<commit_before>-
    tweet_id: '923337222178463744'
    content: 'You will suddenly question the validity and success of your entire career when you’re asked to be the keynote speaker of “Failcon.”'
-
    tweet_id: '922971225437110273'
    content: 'Congratulations! The stars will be staffing you on a special project that involves updating your resume.'
-
    tweet_id: '922600896286085121'
    content: 'Mars will be in Virgo, Venus will be in Libra, and you will be in nobody since you are hopelessly single.'
-
    tweet_id: '922231021738905600'
    content: 'Your request to “move fast and break things” has finally been heard—your newest junior web developer will be a ten ton white rhinoceros.'
-
    tweet_id: '921861952439246849'
    content: 'While your dedication to high tempo testing is appreciated, you may want to stop requesting your team to execute with more “vivace.”'
-
    tweet_id: '921496857251106822'
    content: 'Your name will be mentioned today when your phone number and email get added to a telemarketing list.'
-
    tweet_id: '921128455512776705'
    content: 'The cosmic indicators have moved all of their tracking code to the server side, rendering your ad blockers useless.'
-
    tweet_id: '920972486933712898'
    content: 'Now is the time to retweet generously.'
-
    tweet_id: '920601993617526785'
    content: 'Congratulations! Your personal details have been added to every company’s database of all time.'
-
    tweet_id: '920238100709888001'
    content: 'You may experience imposter syndrome, but let the stars assure you—you really are just a fraud.'
-
    tweet_id: '919866243573846016'
    content: 'You will be going to the gym daily, but only to repeatedly and humiliatingly lose to a Golbat.'
-
    tweet_id: '919492357942366208'
    content: 'Been a 9x engineer your entire life? This week try being a 10x engineer—you may surprise yourself.'
-
    tweet_id: '919126483569991680'
    content: 'You will be embarrassingly reminded that your company’s ability to attract talent is directly correlated with the size of your data.'
-
    tweet_id: '918759985928130560'
    content: 'Your company will institute “No Meeting September,” which will be immediately followed by “Now How Do We Align Goals October.”'
-
    tweet_id: '918387685307437056'
    content: 'The stars will continue to fuse hydrogen into helium, which will ultimately have no influence on your retention rate this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '918014166035845120'
    content: 'The cosmic indicators have moved all of their tracking code to the server side, rendering your ad blockers useless.'
-
    tweet_id: '917890481681510400'
    content: 'Technological advances in bovine gene splicing and fecal gastrology will finally allow you to eat your own bullshit.'
-
    tweet_id: '917525668451188739'
    content: 'Your company will exceed its growth targets, but only if you did not read this horoscope.'
-
    tweet_id: '917154810855677952'
    content: 'As you prepare to fight a 1,000 year crusade, a part of you just can’t help but wonder if that angel funding was even worth it.'
-
    tweet_id: '916788082019586048'
    content: 'Though both are equally inscrutable and mysterious, it just makes more business sense to hire the tarot psychic over the SEO specialist.'
-
    tweet_id: '916420881479499776'
    content: 'Don’t be afraid to get your board’s approval for the new coffee machine—they’ll appreciate you looping them in.'
-
    tweet_id: '916055388952432641'
    content: 'Your excitement for the new Soylent is due less to its additional nutritional value than to the fact that it’s now an enema.'
-
    tweet_id: '915686914803552256'
    content: 'Your excitement for the master-slave interactive demo will severely dampened when you learn that it’s about database replication.'
-
    tweet_id: '915320169823719424'
    content: 'Listen to your gut—it may be time to pull all devs from their current projects and make them work on chat bots.'
-
    tweet_id: '914950153035018241'
    content: 'You may have misunderstood, after hiring the seasoned mountaineer as the CTO, what the board meant when looking for someone who can “scale.”'
-
    tweet_id: '914587509379813376'
    content: 'Sure, your wife may have failed the Turing test, but at least she has an off switch.'
-
    tweet_id: '914217974659256320'
    content: 'No horoscope for now—the heavens are still enjoying their unlimited PTO.'
-
    tweet_id: '913850815118479361'
    content: 'Much to the offense of your co-workers, describing your ethnic preferences in dating does not constitute as a “race condition.”'
-
    tweet_id: '913486931031412738'
    content: 'The sky is the limit—which means anything beyond the outer edges of the mesosphere will be hopelessly unachievable.'
-
    tweet_id: '913121791031332865'
    content: 'You’ll disrupt the “startup curve” by finding the valley of self-doubt, desert of existential nihilism, and quarry of incurable depression.'
-
    tweet_id: '912756249741135875'
    content: 'Your company will exceed its growth targets, but only if you did not read this horoscope.'
-
    tweet_id: '912386860940500992'
    content: 'Stay hungry, stay foolish, and stay unoriginal enough to blindly recite this phrase.'
-
    tweet_id: '912016803148247040'
    content: 'Be on the lookout—your recurring nightmare of Slack climbing out of your laptop to strangle you may materialize this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '911644504586891264'
    content: 'The stars foresee a massive acquisition in the future. Soon they’ll be driving around in Teslas instead wasting time predicting your future.'
-
    tweet_id: '911274891063767040'
    content: 'You will be denied the “code monkey” job, as you just weren’t able to pass the “monkey” portion of the interview.'
-
    tweet_id: '910910966279401473'
    content: 'You will arrive at a decisive fork in the road—be prepared to merge the biggest pull request of your life.'
-
    tweet_id: '910540412540145664'
    content: 'Your suspicion towards the stars’ predictions will force you to think twice about believing this horoscope.'
-
    tweet_id: '910165558393438208'
    content: 'The sky is the limit—which means anything beyond the outer edges of the mesosphere will be hopelessly unachievable.'
-
    tweet_id: '909793848066527232'
    content: 'The stars will continue to fuse hydrogen into helium, which will ultimately have no influence on your retention rate this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '909428746872066048'
    content: 'The stars will be rolling out its new algorithm to make sure that your most helpful predictions will get buried in the cosmos.'
-
    tweet_id: '909388633802756096'
    content: 'You will finally experience a meteoric rise to success, but only moments before you fall out of orbit and crash onto the face of the Earth.'
-
    tweet_id: '909009605379928064'
    content: 'You’ll disrupt the “startup curve” by finding the valley of self-doubt, desert of existential nihilism, and quarry of incurable depression.'
-
    tweet_id: '908641466569957376'
    content: 'Unlike other software that is eating the world, your software will be regurgitating its own sick all over your users.'
-
    tweet_id: '908273773262012416'
    content: 'Seeing the simultaneous razing of 137 hazardous buildings will force you to ask yourself if you’re at the right demo day.'
-
    tweet_id: '907902758585602048'
    content: 'You may have misunderstood, after hiring the seasoned mountaineer as the CTO, what the board meant when looking for someone who can “scale.”'
-
    tweet_id: '907533157846614017'
    content: 'You may experience imposter syndrome, but let the stars assure you—you really are just a fraud.'
-
    tweet_id: '907164554286821377'
    content: 'You will upend the managerial world by taking the “compliment sandwich” to the next level with the “criticism gyro.”'
-
    tweet_id: '906798440595763200'
    content: 'Enough is enough—let’s finally see if that one weird trick to reduce belly fat works.'
-
    tweet_id: '906430850669203457'
    content: 'Right when the emptiness of life has forced you to contemplate ending it all, you will discover that you can now retweet your own tweets.'
-
    tweet_id: '906063456075489280'
    content: 'It may be finally time to accept the fact that your hockey stick growth will actually just be stick growth.'
-
    tweet_id: '905696109284261888'
    content: 'The stars will continue to fuse hydrogen into helium, which will ultimately have no influence on your retention rate this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '905452754591723521'
    content: 'The chat bot you’ve created to cure your loneliness will last a whole 10 minutes before killing itself due to your depressing conversation.'
-
    tweet_id: '905084997605969921'
    content: 'While your enthusiasm and passion were genuinely appreciated, imitating an aggressive orgasm was incorrect when asked to define “Big O.”'
-
    tweet_id: '904719689892470784'
    content: 'Much to the disbelief of your co-workers, wearing a condom and penetrating a computer’s USB port will not transmit a trojan virus.'
-
    tweet_id: '904351013531942912'
    content: 'Listen to your gut—it may be time to pull all devs from their current projects and make them work on chat bots.'
-
    tweet_id: '903985140136902657'
    content: 'Though the all-in-one entertainment console wasn’t intended for carnal pleasures, don’t let that nip your fetish for entertainment consoles.'
-
    tweet_id: '903621496882462720'
    content: 'The cosmos will continue to expand at an exponential rate, which will ultimately have no impact on your monthly active users this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '903563357244063745'
    content: 'Unlike other software that is eating the world, your software will be regurgitating its own sick all over your users.'
-
    tweet_id: '903194309603852289'
    content: 'Your vanity will reach new heights when you are the first to create a “shallow learning” algorithm.'
-
    tweet_id: '902823132020572160'
    content: 'Exercise some open-mindedness—this is the week to finally allow David from accounting to design your company’s new logo.'
-
    tweet_id: '902456007787413506'
    content: 'The cosmic indicators have moved all of their tracking code to the server side, rendering your ad blockers useless.'
-
    tweet_id: '902087598616739840'
    content: 'No horoscope for now—the heavens are still enjoying their unlimited PTO.'
-
    tweet_id: '901717082768801792'
    content: 'Your company’s dedication to transparency, though praised, may be too much when it’s annual report reveals your deepest sexual fetishes.'
-
    tweet_id: '901352066441981952'
    content: 'The chat bot you’ve created to cure your loneliness will last a whole 10 minutes before killing itself due to your depressing conversation.'
-
    tweet_id: '900979544697569280'
    content: 'You’ll finally find employment at the manufacturing plant, but at the expense of being able to successfully solve CAPTCHAs from now on.'
-
    tweet_id: '900612125693022208'
    content: 'Your desire to be the object of someone else’s interest is finally fulfilled; too bad it’s a BDR who just wants to schedule a demo.'
-
    tweet_id: '900243107329048576'
    content: 'No Meetings Thursday will be replaced by Mandatory Highly Structured and Institutionalized Socialization Wednesday.'
-
    tweet_id: '899876050255179776'
    content: 'Rejoice! You’ll finally get a 360 degree view of your customers, but only after that harrowing freak accident with your neck.'
-
    tweet_id: '899511068451639296'
    content: 'You will appreciate when your company starts providing complimentary matches and candles for you to burn the midnight oil.'
-
    tweet_id: '899145759089729537'
    content: 'The stars indicate that, though some failures lead to learning and growth, your failures this week are really just failures.'
-
    tweet_id: '898777953508573185'
    content: 'The stars, portentously arranged at this precise moment in time, indicate that this is not a good week to merge any pull requests.'
-
    tweet_id: '898407915895246848'
    content: 'Your company will institute “No Meeting September,” which will be immediately followed by “Now How Do We Align Goals October.”'
-
    tweet_id: '898040019818098688'
    content: 'The stars will continue to fuse hydrogen into helium, which will ultimately have no influence on your retention rate this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '897672808842526725'
    content: 'You will be surprised to learn, after you start quantified self, that you are actually a zero.'
-
    tweet_id: '897299922780917761'
    content: 'Your suspicion towards the stars’ predictions will force you to think twice about believing this horoscope.'
-
    tweet_id: '896929038765350914'
    content: 'Congratulations! The stars will be staffing you on a special project that involves updating your resume.'
-
    tweet_id: '896556871833858048'
    content: 'Unlike other software that is eating the world, your software will be regurgitating its own sick all over your users.'
-
    tweet_id: '896192473558548480'
    content: 'You will appreciate when your company starts providing complimentary matches and candles for you to burn the midnight oil.'
-
    tweet_id: '895820098367348738'
    content: 'Listen to your gut—it may be time to pull all devs from their current projects and make them work on chat bots.'
-
    tweet_id: '895451953731325953'
    content: 'Now is the time to retweet generously.'
-
    tweet_id: '895075188517294081'
    content: 'Though your precision is generally appreciated, it’s difficult for recruiters to understand the abilities of a “1.374x Engineer.”'
-
    tweet_id: '894709375591481344'
    content: 'Your engineering skills will continue to test the delicate balance of knowing how often to use the force flag when pushing your commits.'
-
    tweet_id: '894343521049731072'
    content: 'You will be embarrassed when you arrive wearing nothing but a mangled bikini bottom to learn that the word was actually “hackathon.”'
-
    tweet_id: '893973721794437120'
    content: 'Much to the disbelief of your co-workers, wearing a condom and penetrating a computer’s USB port will not transmit a trojan virus.'
-
    tweet_id: '893608398473879552'
    content: 'Your progressive startup will replace its male and female bathrooms with one, large genderless bucket.'
-
    tweet_id: '893239803751403520'
    content: 'Your journey to finally understand Ruby ends abruptly when the FBI finds the missing gem from 2012 under your bed.'
-
    tweet_id: '892871986581471232'
    content: 'No horoscope for now—the heavens are still enjoying their unlimited PTO.'
-
    tweet_id: '892504849505562625'
    content: 'The stars will be coming to you for answers if you don’t hit their quarterly investment predictions.'
-
    tweet_id: '892138535586811904'
    content: 'Mars will be in Virgo, Venus will be in Libra, and you will be in nobody since you are hopelessly single.'
-
    tweet_id: '891763287385403396'
    content: 'Congratulations! Your personal details have been added to every company’s database of all time.'
-
    tweet_id: '891394959550664704'
    content: 'Your excitement for the new Soylent is due less to its additional nutritional value than to the fact that it’s now an enema.'
-
    tweet_id: '891028305310298112'
    content: 'Though both are equally inscrutable and mysterious, it just makes more business sense to hire the tarot psychic over the SEO specialist.'
-
    tweet_id: '890658178701991936'
    content: 'It feels nice to have someone occasionally check in on you, but having it in the form of a retargeting ad makes it a bit creepy.'
-
    tweet_id: '890289146962509824'
    content: 'Enough is enough—let’s finally see if that one weird trick to reduce belly fat works.'
-
    tweet_id: '889924402938343426'
    content: 'Your commitment to embrace the “tribe” value of your startup will be met with confused horror when you sacrifice a goat during all-hands.'
-
    tweet_id: '889559005575643137'
    content: 'Mars will be in Virgo, Venus will be in Libra, and you will be in nobody since you are hopelessly single.'
-
    tweet_id: '889185776319287300'
    content: 'They will continue to champion “software is eating the world,” just as you will continue to eat their bullshit.'
-
    tweet_id: '888820686378213376'
    content: 'You will finally live a day of happiness and fulfillment, only to realize that you just were in your room wearing a VR headset.'
-
    tweet_id: '888454383243067393'
    content: 'You will suddenly question the validity and success of your entire career when you’re asked to be the keynote speaker of “Failcon.”'
-
    tweet_id: '888235721693290497'
    content: 'Rejoice! You’ll finally get a 360 degree view of your customers, but only after that harrowing freak accident with your neck.'
-
    tweet_id: '887864838751432706'
    content: 'While your dedication to high tempo testing is appreciated, you may want to stop requesting your team to execute with more “vivace.”'
-
    tweet_id: '887500019108106240'
    content: 'The inquisitive sun will uncover some skeptics, but don’t pay them any mind. If you say it’s hamster tech, it’s hamster tech.'
-
    tweet_id: '887132729766273024'
    content: 'Listen to your gut—it may be time to pull all devs from their current projects and make them work on chat bots.'
-
    tweet_id: '886758602345771009'
    content: 'Your tendency to tell jokes, while amusing at first, will be distracting during the team’s daily standups.'
-
    tweet_id: '886393648610455552'
    content: 'The rise of Mercury in the western sky can only mean one thing—but you’ll insist on making this whole thing apply to your company’s growth.'
-
    tweet_id: '886026109510352897'
    content: 'Your enthusiasm to dogfood your product will be met with amused confusion when you finish eating the entire bag of kibbles and bits.'
-
    tweet_id: '885661950352531456'
    content: 'Your insatiable appetite for entire pizza pies will be the bane of every manager’s existence.'
-
    tweet_id: '885291143516360704'
    content: 'You will appreciate when your company starts providing complimentary matches and candles for you to burn the midnight oil.'
-
    tweet_id: '884920141523415040'
    content: 'After days of profuse sweating, you will start to question whether or not you’re in the right kind of incubator.'
-
    tweet_id: '884550799371759616'
    content: 'Though your precision is generally appreciated, it’s difficult for recruiters to understand the abilities of a “1.374x Engineer.”'
-
    tweet_id: '884526708635971585'
    content: 'Your app that visually endows you like a stallion will be rejected by the virtual reality marketplace as it is actually “virtual fantasy.”'
-
    tweet_id: '884494037570420739'
    content: 'It feels nice to have someone occasionally check in on you, but having it in the form of a retargeting ad makes it a bit creepy.'
-
    tweet_id: '884323173243781120'
    content: 'Don’t let your board dictate how your company should grow—instead, let your own incompetence dictate how your company should fail.'
-
    tweet_id: '883957879396593664'
    content: 'Remember—if you crash and burn as a founder in the valley, you can still become a VC.'
-
    tweet_id: '883586869979742208'
    content: 'The world may be ready for self-driving cars, but their unexpected and inexplicable alcohol addictions may cause further problems.'
-
    tweet_id: '883211158660022273'
    content: 'The inquisitive sun will uncover some skeptics, but don’t pay them any mind. If you say it’s hamster tech, it’s hamster tech.'
-
    tweet_id: '882837842426302464'
    content: 'Remember: your worth as a human being is tied directly to the month-over-month percentage growth of your company.'
-
    tweet_id: '882474634658156544'
    content: 'Technological advances in bovine gene splicing and fecal gastrology will finally allow you to eat your own bullshit.'
-
    tweet_id: '882149101575524352'
    content: 'The sun is in flux—now is the time to rewrite your entire web app in that experimental new front-end javascript framework.'
-
    tweet_id: '881784194178973696'
    content: 'The stars, portentously arranged at this precise moment in time, indicate that this is not a good week to merge any pull requests.'
-
    tweet_id: '881418421505798144'
    content: 'A nesting sun for a sensible Leo suggests saying yes to adding the ball pit in the corner of the office.'
-
    tweet_id: '881050078236082178'
    content: 'The stars understand that faith is difficult in the modern world, but trust them when they tell you that CAC must be less than LTV.'
-
    tweet_id: '880682236827381760'
    content: 'Your vanity will reach new heights when you are the first to create a “shallow learning” algorithm.'
-
    tweet_id: '880317287391166464'
    content: 'You may experience imposter syndrome, but let the stars assure you—you really are just a fraud.'
-
    tweet_id: '879948272248508416'
    content: 'Your app’s bugs will continue to surprise and delight you this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '879575323146428416'
    content: 'Your desire to be the object of someone else’s interest is finally fulfilled; too bad it’s a BDR who just wants to schedule a demo.'
-
    tweet_id: '879478243329540099'
    content: 'While times have certainly been challenging, giving up via a publicly announced separation is guaranteed to make things better.'
-
    tweet_id: '879102585910812674'
    content: 'Your enthusiasm to dogfood your product will be met with amused confusion when you finish eating the entire bag of kibbles and bits.'
-
    tweet_id: '878737534553030657'
    content: 'While it’s condemned to be racist in public, rest assured that you can still be as racist as you want behind the anonymity of the internet.'
-
    tweet_id: '878369169108078592'
    content: 'You will be saddened after crawling on your knees to learn that analyzing traffic over a network is the real meaning of “packet sniffing.”'
-
    tweet_id: '877991886996348928'
    content: 'You will appreciate when your company starts providing complimentary matches and candles for you to burn the midnight oil.'
-
    tweet_id: '877688528469151744'
    content: 'Rejoice! You’ll finally get a 360 degree view of your customers, but only after that harrowing freak accident with your neck.'
-
    tweet_id: '877653713585885184'
    content: 'Congratulations! The stars will be staffing you on a special project that involves updating your resume.'
-
    tweet_id: '877639567490330624'
    content: 'Your company will institute “No Meeting September,” which will be immediately followed by “Now How Do We Align Goals October.”'
-
    tweet_id: '877611589536538624'
    content: 'Congratulations! Your personal details have been added to every company’s database of all time.'
-
    tweet_id: '877340958018240512'
    content: 'The capricious stars suggest adopting a seventh project tracking tool just to manage the six other ones.'
-
    tweet_id: '876976956067205122'
    content: 'You will be denied the “code monkey” job, as you just weren’t able to pass the “monkey” portion of the interview.'
-
    tweet_id: '876608226787287040'
    content: 'The sky is the limit—which means anything beyond the outer edges of the mesosphere will be hopelessly unachievable.'
-
    tweet_id: '876236050812874752'
    content: 'The stars foresee a massive acquisition in the future. Soon they’ll be driving around in Teslas instead wasting time predicting your future.'
-
    tweet_id: '875873508521373701'
    content: 'Your journey to finally understand Ruby ends abruptly when the FBI finds the missing gem from 2012 under your bed.'
-
    tweet_id: '875508430202695680'
    content: 'Technological advances in bovine gene splicing and fecal gastrology will finally allow you to eat your own bullshit.'
-
    tweet_id: '875135233942794240'
    content: 'You will exercise both your civic duty and your naïve optimism that you actually have any influence in national politics by voting.'
-
    tweet_id: '874768191326744581'
    content: 'You will learn that there are a few things more universally reviled than committing murder, such as committing directly to master.'
-
    tweet_id: '874399297126760449'
    content: 'Though you have led a long and active life, your most valuable contribution to society will still be your personal data.'
-
    tweet_id: '874033831950602240'
    content: 'Your enthusiasm to dogfood your product will be met with amused confusion when you finish eating the entire bag of kibbles and bits.'
-
    tweet_id: '873666084863442944'
    content: 'You will be denied the “code monkey” job, as you just weren’t able to pass the “monkey” portion of the interview.'
-
    tweet_id: '873301564936650752'
    content: 'Crossing the chasm will take on a devastating new meaning when a sudden earthquake separates you from your customers.'
-
    tweet_id: '872934129750466562'
    content: 'Mars will be in Virgo, Venus will be in Libra, and you will be in nobody since you are hopelessly single.'
-
    tweet_id: '872562385692876800'
    content: 'The world may be ready for self-driving cars, but their unexpected and inexplicable alcohol addictions may cause further problems.'
-
    tweet_id: '872191571134951425'
    content: 'The rise of Mercury in the western sky can only mean one thing—but you’ll insist on making this whole thing apply to your company’s growth.'
-
    tweet_id: '871821460314128384'
    content: 'Rejoice! You’ll finally get a 360 degree view of your customers, but only after that harrowing freak accident with your neck.'
-
    tweet_id: '871451891896635396'
    content: 'You will be embarrassed when you arrive wearing nothing but a mangled bikini bottom to learn that the word was actually “hackathon.”'
-
    tweet_id: '871078078537224192'
    content: 'The sun blazes a trail through the bull’s zone, commanding you to hire the next person who walks through your door.'
-
    tweet_id: '870709302251601920'
    content: 'The sun is in flux—now is the time to rewrite your entire web app in that experimental new front-end javascript framework.'
-
    tweet_id: '870672515496017920'
    content: 'Cosmic indicators confirm that VC money will continue to subsidize your lazy, instant gratification driven, piece of shit lifestyle.'
-
    tweet_id: '870576520393261056'
    content: 'While your enthusiasm and passion were genuinely appreciated, imitating an aggressive orgasm was incorrect when asked to define “Big O.”'
-
    tweet_id: '870571832805646336'
    content: 'The stars regretfully inform you that since their investors are pressuring them to cut costs, this Friday will be your last day.'
-
    tweet_id: '870202745176952832'
    content: 'Much to the disbelief of your co-workers, wearing a condom and penetrating a computer’s USB port will not transmit a trojan virus.'
-
    tweet_id: '869825770209857536'
    content: 'You will acquire the skills necessary to become a “full stack” developer, allowing you to freely add technical debt to the entire codebase.'
-
    tweet_id: '869458967348604928'
    content: 'Though you have led a long and active life, your most valuable contribution to society will still be your personal data.'
-
    tweet_id: '869094824586223616'
    content: 'When you begin feeling ignored and unnoticed, remember that companies are watching you and tracking your most intimate browsing habits.'
-
    tweet_id: '868725445579206656'
    content: 'You will be surprised to learn, after you start quantified self, that you are actually a zero.'
-
    tweet_id: '868360811084906496'
    content: 'You will arrive at a decisive fork in the road—be prepared to merge the biggest pull request of your life.'
-
    tweet_id: '868290307338752000'
    content: 'Believe in yourself—eventually, someone will laugh at your dongle joke.'
-
    tweet_id: '867916494042263552'
    content: 'Your progressive startup will replace its male and female bathrooms with one, large genderless bucket.'
-
    tweet_id: '867546597801984000'
    content: 'The stars will be coming to you for answers if you don’t hit their quarterly investment predictions.'
-
    tweet_id: '867281959218708480'
    content: 'On the internet, nobody knows you’re a dog, until now, when your picture that got captioned “much wow” becomes a viral meme.'
-
    tweet_id: '867261100248772608'
    content: 'Now is the time to retweet generously.'
-
    tweet_id: '867248498139439104'
    content: 'Don’t be afraid to get your board’s approval for the new coffee machine—they’ll appreciate you looping them in.'
-
    tweet_id: '866878073064624128'
    content: 'Your excitement for the new Soylent is due less to its additional nutritional value than to the fact that it’s now an enema.'
-
    tweet_id: '866507126050623488'
    content: 'Cosmic indicators confirm that VC money will continue to subsidize your lazy, instant gratification driven, piece of shit lifestyle.'
-
    tweet_id: '866140737309745152'
    content: 'You will appreciate when your company starts providing complimentary matches and candles for you to burn the midnight oil.'
-
    tweet_id: '865773555451129856'
    content: 'It may be finally time to accept the fact that your hockey stick growth will actually just be stick growth.'
-
    tweet_id: '865408886215278592'
    content: 'Your name will be mentioned today when your phone number and email get added to a telemarketing list.'
-
    tweet_id: '865335937668194304'
    content: 'You may experience imposter syndrome, but let the stars assure you—you really are just a fraud.'
-
    tweet_id: '864969752472629248'
    content: 'The stars will be rolling out its new algorithm to make sure that your most helpful predictions will get buried in the cosmos.'
-
    tweet_id: '864602592768401409'
    content: 'You’ll disrupt the “startup curve” by finding the valley of self-doubt, desert of existential nihilism, and quarry of incurable depression.'
-
    tweet_id: '864236188722495488'
    content: 'On the internet, nobody knows you’re a dog, until now, when your picture that got captioned “much wow” becomes a viral meme.'
-
    tweet_id: '863866314288500737'
    content: 'The stars regretfully inform you that since their investors are pressuring them to cut costs, this Friday will be your last day.'
-
    tweet_id: '863499880186228736'
    content: 'Your friends are unsure what’s stranger after the hack—your password being “<PASSWORD>” or your active membership in the Neopets community.'
-
    tweet_id: '863127876572512261'
    content: 'Your smart phone will become a little too smart when it retorts “no, YOU figure out directions to the Whole Foods.”'
-
    tweet_id: '862760107096113152'
    content: 'Been a 9x engineer your entire life? This week try being a 10x engineer—you may surprise yourself.'
-
    tweet_id: '862392084669620225'
    content: 'Right when the emptiness of life has forced you to contemplate ending it all, you will discover that you can now retweet your own tweets.'
-
    tweet_id: '862014785025658881'
    content: 'Your insatiable appetite for entire pizza pies will be the bane of every manager’s existence.'
-
    tweet_id: '861648578053386240'
    content: 'You will be embarrassed when you arrive wearing nothing but a mangled bikini bottom to learn that the word was actually “hackathon.”'
-
    tweet_id: '861281875289022464'
    content: 'Remember—if you crash and burn as a founder in the valley, you can still become a VC.'
-
    tweet_id: '860916404605911041'
    content: 'The cosmic indicators have moved all of their tracking code to the server side, rendering your ad blockers useless.'
-
    tweet_id: '860545487031734272'
    content: 'You will finally solve your retention problem by eating that leftover P.F. Chang’s and getting completely constipated.'
-
    tweet_id: '860180623289442304'
    content: 'Swiping right endlessly was not done in vain—your more dexterous thumb will unlock a whole new world of self-stimulation possibilities.'
-
    tweet_id: '859816758018002945'
    content: 'You will be saddened after crawling on your knees to learn that analyzing traffic over a network is the real meaning of “packet sniffing.”'
-
    tweet_id: '859449284596510720'
    content: 'Technological advances in bovine gene splicing and fecal gastrology will finally allow you to eat your own bullshit.'
-
    tweet_id: '859073844174360576'
    content: 'The stars, looking for new revenue streams, will begin selling ads in their horoscopes, which are now brought to you by Frito Lay™.'
-
    tweet_id: '858709309215080448'
    content: 'You may experience imposter syndrome, but let the stars assure you—you really are just a fraud.'
-
    tweet_id: '858336592167153664'
    content: 'You will blow the minds of engineers and chefs alike with your new “lasagna code.”'
<commit_msg>Added new horoscope<commit_after>-
    tweet_id: '923706957940244481'
    content: 'It may be finally time to accept the fact that your hockey stick growth will actually just be stick growth.'
-
    tweet_id: '923337222178463744'
    content: 'You will suddenly question the validity and success of your entire career when you’re asked to be the keynote speaker of “Failcon.”'
-
    tweet_id: '922971225437110273'
    content: 'Congratulations! The stars will be staffing you on a special project that involves updating your resume.'
-
    tweet_id: '922600896286085121'
    content: 'Mars will be in Virgo, Venus will be in Libra, and you will be in nobody since you are hopelessly single.'
-
    tweet_id: '922231021738905600'
    content: 'Your request to “move fast and break things” has finally been heard—your newest junior web developer will be a ten ton white rhinoceros.'
-
    tweet_id: '921861952439246849'
    content: 'While your dedication to high tempo testing is appreciated, you may want to stop requesting your team to execute with more “vivace.”'
-
    tweet_id: '921496857251106822'
    content: 'Your name will be mentioned today when your phone number and email get added to a telemarketing list.'
-
    tweet_id: '921128455512776705'
    content: 'The cosmic indicators have moved all of their tracking code to the server side, rendering your ad blockers useless.'
-
    tweet_id: '920972486933712898'
    content: 'Now is the time to retweet generously.'
-
    tweet_id: '920601993617526785'
    content: 'Congratulations! Your personal details have been added to every company’s database of all time.'
-
    tweet_id: '920238100709888001'
    content: 'You may experience imposter syndrome, but let the stars assure you—you really are just a fraud.'
-
    tweet_id: '919866243573846016'
    content: 'You will be going to the gym daily, but only to repeatedly and humiliatingly lose to a Golbat.'
-
    tweet_id: '919492357942366208'
    content: 'Been a 9x engineer your entire life? This week try being a 10x engineer—you may surprise yourself.'
-
    tweet_id: '919126483569991680'
    content: 'You will be embarrassingly reminded that your company’s ability to attract talent is directly correlated with the size of your data.'
-
    tweet_id: '918759985928130560'
    content: 'Your company will institute “No Meeting September,” which will be immediately followed by “Now How Do We Align Goals October.”'
-
    tweet_id: '918387685307437056'
    content: 'The stars will continue to fuse hydrogen into helium, which will ultimately have no influence on your retention rate this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '918014166035845120'
    content: 'The cosmic indicators have moved all of their tracking code to the server side, rendering your ad blockers useless.'
-
    tweet_id: '917890481681510400'
    content: 'Technological advances in bovine gene splicing and fecal gastrology will finally allow you to eat your own bullshit.'
-
    tweet_id: '917525668451188739'
    content: 'Your company will exceed its growth targets, but only if you did not read this horoscope.'
-
    tweet_id: '917154810855677952'
    content: 'As you prepare to fight a 1,000 year crusade, a part of you just can’t help but wonder if that angel funding was even worth it.'
-
    tweet_id: '916788082019586048'
    content: 'Though both are equally inscrutable and mysterious, it just makes more business sense to hire the tarot psychic over the SEO specialist.'
-
    tweet_id: '916420881479499776'
    content: 'Don’t be afraid to get your board’s approval for the new coffee machine—they’ll appreciate you looping them in.'
-
    tweet_id: '916055388952432641'
    content: 'Your excitement for the new Soylent is due less to its additional nutritional value than to the fact that it’s now an enema.'
-
    tweet_id: '915686914803552256'
    content: 'Your excitement for the master-slave interactive demo will severely dampened when you learn that it’s about database replication.'
-
    tweet_id: '915320169823719424'
    content: 'Listen to your gut—it may be time to pull all devs from their current projects and make them work on chat bots.'
-
    tweet_id: '914950153035018241'
    content: 'You may have misunderstood, after hiring the seasoned mountaineer as the CTO, what the board meant when looking for someone who can “scale.”'
-
    tweet_id: '914587509379813376'
    content: 'Sure, your wife may have failed the Turing test, but at least she has an off switch.'
-
    tweet_id: '914217974659256320'
    content: 'No horoscope for now—the heavens are still enjoying their unlimited PTO.'
-
    tweet_id: '913850815118479361'
    content: 'Much to the offense of your co-workers, describing your ethnic preferences in dating does not constitute as a “race condition.”'
-
    tweet_id: '913486931031412738'
    content: 'The sky is the limit—which means anything beyond the outer edges of the mesosphere will be hopelessly unachievable.'
-
    tweet_id: '913121791031332865'
    content: 'You’ll disrupt the “startup curve” by finding the valley of self-doubt, desert of existential nihilism, and quarry of incurable depression.'
-
    tweet_id: '912756249741135875'
    content: 'Your company will exceed its growth targets, but only if you did not read this horoscope.'
-
    tweet_id: '912386860940500992'
    content: 'Stay hungry, stay foolish, and stay unoriginal enough to blindly recite this phrase.'
-
    tweet_id: '912016803148247040'
    content: 'Be on the lookout—your recurring nightmare of Slack climbing out of your laptop to strangle you may materialize this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '911644504586891264'
    content: 'The stars foresee a massive acquisition in the future. Soon they’ll be driving around in Teslas instead wasting time predicting your future.'
-
    tweet_id: '911274891063767040'
    content: 'You will be denied the “code monkey” job, as you just weren’t able to pass the “monkey” portion of the interview.'
-
    tweet_id: '910910966279401473'
    content: 'You will arrive at a decisive fork in the road—be prepared to merge the biggest pull request of your life.'
-
    tweet_id: '910540412540145664'
    content: 'Your suspicion towards the stars’ predictions will force you to think twice about believing this horoscope.'
-
    tweet_id: '910165558393438208'
    content: 'The sky is the limit—which means anything beyond the outer edges of the mesosphere will be hopelessly unachievable.'
-
    tweet_id: '909793848066527232'
    content: 'The stars will continue to fuse hydrogen into helium, which will ultimately have no influence on your retention rate this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '909428746872066048'
    content: 'The stars will be rolling out its new algorithm to make sure that your most helpful predictions will get buried in the cosmos.'
-
    tweet_id: '909388633802756096'
    content: 'You will finally experience a meteoric rise to success, but only moments before you fall out of orbit and crash onto the face of the Earth.'
-
    tweet_id: '909009605379928064'
    content: 'You’ll disrupt the “startup curve” by finding the valley of self-doubt, desert of existential nihilism, and quarry of incurable depression.'
-
    tweet_id: '908641466569957376'
    content: 'Unlike other software that is eating the world, your software will be regurgitating its own sick all over your users.'
-
    tweet_id: '908273773262012416'
    content: 'Seeing the simultaneous razing of 137 hazardous buildings will force you to ask yourself if you’re at the right demo day.'
-
    tweet_id: '907902758585602048'
    content: 'You may have misunderstood, after hiring the seasoned mountaineer as the CTO, what the board meant when looking for someone who can “scale.”'
-
    tweet_id: '907533157846614017'
    content: 'You may experience imposter syndrome, but let the stars assure you—you really are just a fraud.'
-
    tweet_id: '907164554286821377'
    content: 'You will upend the managerial world by taking the “compliment sandwich” to the next level with the “criticism gyro.”'
-
    tweet_id: '906798440595763200'
    content: 'Enough is enough—let’s finally see if that one weird trick to reduce belly fat works.'
-
    tweet_id: '906430850669203457'
    content: 'Right when the emptiness of life has forced you to contemplate ending it all, you will discover that you can now retweet your own tweets.'
-
    tweet_id: '906063456075489280'
    content: 'It may be finally time to accept the fact that your hockey stick growth will actually just be stick growth.'
-
    tweet_id: '905696109284261888'
    content: 'The stars will continue to fuse hydrogen into helium, which will ultimately have no influence on your retention rate this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '905452754591723521'
    content: 'The chat bot you’ve created to cure your loneliness will last a whole 10 minutes before killing itself due to your depressing conversation.'
-
    tweet_id: '905084997605969921'
    content: 'While your enthusiasm and passion were genuinely appreciated, imitating an aggressive orgasm was incorrect when asked to define “Big O.”'
-
    tweet_id: '904719689892470784'
    content: 'Much to the disbelief of your co-workers, wearing a condom and penetrating a computer’s USB port will not transmit a trojan virus.'
-
    tweet_id: '904351013531942912'
    content: 'Listen to your gut—it may be time to pull all devs from their current projects and make them work on chat bots.'
-
    tweet_id: '903985140136902657'
    content: 'Though the all-in-one entertainment console wasn’t intended for carnal pleasures, don’t let that nip your fetish for entertainment consoles.'
-
    tweet_id: '903621496882462720'
    content: 'The cosmos will continue to expand at an exponential rate, which will ultimately have no impact on your monthly active users this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '903563357244063745'
    content: 'Unlike other software that is eating the world, your software will be regurgitating its own sick all over your users.'
-
    tweet_id: '903194309603852289'
    content: 'Your vanity will reach new heights when you are the first to create a “shallow learning” algorithm.'
-
    tweet_id: '902823132020572160'
    content: 'Exercise some open-mindedness—this is the week to finally allow David from accounting to design your company’s new logo.'
-
    tweet_id: '902456007787413506'
    content: 'The cosmic indicators have moved all of their tracking code to the server side, rendering your ad blockers useless.'
-
    tweet_id: '902087598616739840'
    content: 'No horoscope for now—the heavens are still enjoying their unlimited PTO.'
-
    tweet_id: '901717082768801792'
    content: 'Your company’s dedication to transparency, though praised, may be too much when it’s annual report reveals your deepest sexual fetishes.'
-
    tweet_id: '901352066441981952'
    content: 'The chat bot you’ve created to cure your loneliness will last a whole 10 minutes before killing itself due to your depressing conversation.'
-
    tweet_id: '900979544697569280'
    content: 'You’ll finally find employment at the manufacturing plant, but at the expense of being able to successfully solve CAPTCHAs from now on.'
-
    tweet_id: '900612125693022208'
    content: 'Your desire to be the object of someone else’s interest is finally fulfilled; too bad it’s a BDR who just wants to schedule a demo.'
-
    tweet_id: '900243107329048576'
    content: 'No Meetings Thursday will be replaced by Mandatory Highly Structured and Institutionalized Socialization Wednesday.'
-
    tweet_id: '899876050255179776'
    content: 'Rejoice! You’ll finally get a 360 degree view of your customers, but only after that harrowing freak accident with your neck.'
-
    tweet_id: '899511068451639296'
    content: 'You will appreciate when your company starts providing complimentary matches and candles for you to burn the midnight oil.'
-
    tweet_id: '899145759089729537'
    content: 'The stars indicate that, though some failures lead to learning and growth, your failures this week are really just failures.'
-
    tweet_id: '898777953508573185'
    content: 'The stars, portentously arranged at this precise moment in time, indicate that this is not a good week to merge any pull requests.'
-
    tweet_id: '898407915895246848'
    content: 'Your company will institute “No Meeting September,” which will be immediately followed by “Now How Do We Align Goals October.”'
-
    tweet_id: '898040019818098688'
    content: 'The stars will continue to fuse hydrogen into helium, which will ultimately have no influence on your retention rate this week.'
-
    tweet_id: '897672808842526725'
    content: 'You will be surprised to learn, after you start quantified self, that you are actually a zero.'
-
    tweet_id: '897299922780917761'
    content: 'Your suspicion towards the stars’ predictions will force you to think twice about believing this horoscope.'
-
    tweet_id: '896929038765350914'
    content: 'Congratulations! The stars will be staffing you on a special project that involves updating your resume.'
-
    tweet_id: '896556871833858048'
    content: 'Unlike other software that is eating the world, your software will be regurgitating its own sick all over your users.'
-
    tweet_id: '896192473558548480'
    content: 'You will appreciate when your company starts providing complimentary matches and candles for you to burn the midnight oil.'
-
    tweet_id: '895820098367348738'
    content: 'Listen to your gut—it may be time to pull all devs from their current projects and make them work on chat bots.'
-
    tweet_id: '895451953731325953'
    content: 'Now is the time to retweet generously.'
-
    tweet_id: '895075188517294081'
    content: 'Though your precision is generally appreciated, it’s difficult for recruiters to understand the abilities of a “1.374x Engineer.”'
-
    tweet_id: '894709375591481344'
    content: 'Your engineering skills will continue to test the delicate balance of knowing how often to use the force flag when pushing your commits.'
-
    tweet_id: '894343521049731072'
    content: 'You will be embarrassed when you arrive wearing nothing but a mangled bikini bottom to learn that the word was actually “hackathon.”'
-
    tweet_id: '893973721794437120'
    content: 'Much to the disbelief of your co-workers, wearing a condom and penetrating a computer’s USB port will not transmit a trojan virus.'
-
    tweet_id: '893608398473879552'
    content: 'Your progressive startup will replace its male and female bathrooms with one, large genderless bucket.'
-
    tweet_id: '893239803751403520'
    content: 'Your journey to finally understand Ruby ends abruptly when the FBI finds the missing gem from 2012 under your bed.'
-
    tweet_id: '892871986581471232'
    content: 'No horoscope for now—the heavens are still enjoying their unlimited PTO.'
-
    tweet_id: '892504849505562625'
    content: 'The stars will be coming to you for answers if you don’t hit their quarterly investment predictions.'
-
    tweet_id: '892138535586811904'
    content: 'Mars will be in Virgo, Venus will be in Libra, and you will be in nobody since you are hopelessly single.'
-
    tweet_id: '891763287385403396'
    content: 'Congratulations! Your personal details have been added to every company’s database of all time.'
-
    tweet_id: '891394959550664704'
    content: 'Your excitement for the new Soylent is due less to its additional nutritional value than to the fact that it’s now an enema.'
-
    tweet_id: '891028305310298112'
    content: 'Though both are equally inscrutable and mysterious, it just makes more business sense to hire the tarot psychic over the SEO specialist.'
-
    tweet_id: '890658178701991936'
    content: 'It feels nice to have someone occasionally check in on you, but having it in the form of a retargeting ad makes it a bit creepy.'
-
    tweet_id: '890289146962509824'
    content: 'Enough is enough—let’s finally see if that one weird trick to reduce belly fat works.'
-
    tweet_id: '889924402938343426'
    content: 'Your commitment to embrace the “tribe” value of your startup will be met with confused horror when you sacrifice a goat during all-hands.'
-
    tweet_id: '889559005575643137'
    content: 'Mars will be in Virgo, Venus will be in Libra, and you will be in nobody since you are hopelessly single.'
-
    tweet_id: '889185776319287300'
    content: 'They will continue to champion “software is eating the world,” just as you will continue to eat their bullshit.'
-
    tweet_id: '888820686378213376'
    content: 'You will finally live a day of happiness and fulfillment, only to realize that you just were in your room wearing a VR headset.'
-
    tweet_id: '888454383243067393'
    content: 'You will suddenly question the validity and success of your entire career when you’re asked to be the keynote speaker of “Failcon.”'
-
    tweet_id: '888235721693290497'
    content: 'Rejoice! You’ll finally get a 360 degree view of your customers, but only after that harrowing freak accident with your neck.'
-
    tweet_id: '887864838751432706'
    content: 'While your dedication to high tempo testing is appreciated, you may want to stop requesting your team to execute with more “vivace.”'
-
    tweet_id: '887500019108106240'
    content: 'The inquisitive sun will uncover some skeptics, but don’t pay them any mind. If you say it’s hamster tech, it’s hamster tech.'
-
    tweet_id: '887132729766273024'
    content: 'Listen to your gut—it may be time to pull all devs from their current projects and make them work on chat bots.'
-
    tweet_id: '886758602345771009'
    content: 'Your tendency to tell jokes, while amusing at first, will be distracting during the team’s daily standups.'
-
    tweet_id: '886393648610455552'
    content: 'The rise of Mercury in the western sky can only mean one thing—but you’ll insist on making this whole thing apply to your company’s growth.'
-
    tweet_id: '886026109510352897'
    content: 'Your enthusiasm to dogfood your product will be met with amused confusion when you finish eating the entire bag of kibbles and bits.'
-
    tweet_id: '885661950352531456'
    content: 'Your insatiable appetite for entire pizza pies will be the bane of every manager’s existence.'
-
    tweet_id: '885291143516360704'
    content: 'You will appreciate when your company starts providing complimentary matches and candles for you to burn the midnight oil.'
-
    tweet_id: '884920141523415040'
    content: 'After days of profuse sweating, you will start to question whether or not you’re in the right kind of incubator.'
-
    tweet_id: '884550799371759616'
    content: 'Though your precision is generally appreciated, it’s difficult for recruiters to understand the abilities of a “1.374x Engineer.”'
-
    tweet_id: '884526708635971585'
    content: 'Your app that visually endows you like a stallion will be rejected by the virtual reality marketplace as it is actually “virtual fantasy.”'
-
    tweet_id: '884494037570420739'
    content: 'It feels nice to have someone occasionally check in on you, but having it in the form of a retargeting ad makes it a bit creepy.'
-
    tweet_id: '884323173243781120'
    content: 'Don’t let your board dictate how your company should grow—instead, let your own incompetence dictate how your company should fail.'
-
    tweet_id: '883957879396593664'
    content: 'Remember—if you crash and burn as a founder in the valley, you can still become a VC.'
-
    tweet_id: '883586869979742208'
    content: 'The world may be ready for self-driving cars, but their unexpected and inexplicable alcohol addictions may cause further problems.'
-
    tweet_id: '883211158660022273'
    content: 'The inquisitive sun will uncover some skeptics, but don’t pay them any mind. If you say it’s hamster tech, it’s hamster tech.'
-
    tweet_id: '882837842426302464'
    content: 'Remember: your worth as a human being is tied directly to the month-over-month percentage growth of your company.'
-
    tweet_id: '882474634658156544'
    content: 'Technological advances in bovine gene splicing and fecal gastrology will finally allow you to eat your own bullshit.'
-
    tweet_id: '882149101575524352'
    content: 'The sun is in flux—now is the time to rewrite your entire web app in that experimental new front-end javascript framework.'
-
    tweet_id: '881784194178973696'
    content: 'The stars, portentously arranged at this precise moment in time, indicate that this is not a good week to merge any pull requests.'
-
    tweet_id: '881418421505798144'
    content: 'A nesting sun for a sensible Leo suggests saying yes to adding the ball pit in the corner of the office.'
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    tweet_id: '881050078236082178'
    content: 'The stars understand that faith is difficult in the modern world, but trust them when they tell you that CAC must be less than LTV.'
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    tweet_id: '880682236827381760'
    content: 'Your vanity will reach new heights when you are the first to create a “shallow learning” algorithm.'
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    tweet_id: '880317287391166464'
    content: 'You may experience imposter syndrome, but let the stars assure you—you really are just a fraud.'
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    tweet_id: '879948272248508416'
    content: 'Your app’s bugs will continue to surprise and delight you this week.'
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    tweet_id: '879575323146428416'
    content: 'Your desire to be the object of someone else’s interest is finally fulfilled; too bad it’s a BDR who just wants to schedule a demo.'
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    tweet_id: '879478243329540099'
    content: 'While times have certainly been challenging, giving up via a publicly announced separation is guaranteed to make things better.'
-
    tweet_id: '879102585910812674'
    content: 'Your enthusiasm to dogfood your product will be met with amused confusion when you finish eating the entire bag of kibbles and bits.'
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    tweet_id: '878737534553030657'
    content: 'While it’s condemned to be racist in public, rest assured that you can still be as racist as you want behind the anonymity of the internet.'
-
    tweet_id: '878369169108078592'
    content: 'You will be saddened after crawling on your knees to learn that analyzing traffic over a network is the real meaning of “packet sniffing.”'
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    tweet_id: '877991886996348928'
    content: 'You will appreciate when your company starts providing complimentary matches and candles for you to burn the midnight oil.'
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    tweet_id: '877688528469151744'
    content: 'Rejoice! You’ll finally get a 360 degree view of your customers, but only after that harrowing freak accident with your neck.'
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    tweet_id: '877653713585885184'
    content: 'Congratulations! The stars will be staffing you on a special project that involves updating your resume.'
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    tweet_id: '877639567490330624'
    content: 'Your company will institute “No Meeting September,” which will be immediately followed by “Now How Do We Align Goals October.”'
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    tweet_id: '877611589536538624'
    content: 'Congratulations! Your personal details have been added to every company’s database of all time.'
-
    tweet_id: '877340958018240512'
    content: 'The capricious stars suggest adopting a seventh project tracking tool just to manage the six other ones.'
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    tweet_id: '876976956067205122'
    content: 'You will be denied the “code monkey” job, as you just weren’t able to pass the “monkey” portion of the interview.'
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    tweet_id: '876608226787287040'
    content: 'The sky is the limit—which means anything beyond the outer edges of the mesosphere will be hopelessly unachievable.'
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    tweet_id: '876236050812874752'
    content: 'The stars foresee a massive acquisition in the future. Soon they’ll be driving around in Teslas instead wasting time predicting your future.'
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    tweet_id: '875873508521373701'
    content: 'Your journey to finally understand Ruby ends abruptly when the FBI finds the missing gem from 2012 under your bed.'
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    tweet_id: '875508430202695680'
    content: 'Technological advances in bovine gene splicing and fecal gastrology will finally allow you to eat your own bullshit.'
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    tweet_id: '875135233942794240'
    content: 'You will exercise both your civic duty and your naïve optimism that you actually have any influence in national politics by voting.'
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    tweet_id: '874768191326744581'
    content: 'You will learn that there are a few things more universally reviled than committing murder, such as committing directly to master.'
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    tweet_id: '874399297126760449'
    content: 'Though you have led a long and active life, your most valuable contribution to society will still be your personal data.'
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    tweet_id: '874033831950602240'
    content: 'Your enthusiasm to dogfood your product will be met with amused confusion when you finish eating the entire bag of kibbles and bits.'
-
    tweet_id: '873666084863442944'
    content: 'You will be denied the “code monkey” job, as you just weren’t able to pass the “monkey” portion of the interview.'
-
    tweet_id: '873301564936650752'
    content: 'Crossing the chasm will take on a devastating new meaning when a sudden earthquake separates you from your customers.'
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    tweet_id: '872934129750466562'
    content: 'Mars will be in Virgo, Venus will be in Libra, and you will be in nobody since you are hopelessly single.'
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    tweet_id: '872562385692876800'
    content: 'The world may be ready for self-driving cars, but their unexpected and inexplicable alcohol addictions may cause further problems.'
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    tweet_id: '872191571134951425'
    content: 'The rise of Mercury in the western sky can only mean one thing—but you’ll insist on making this whole thing apply to your company’s growth.'
-
    tweet_id: '871821460314128384'
    content: 'Rejoice! You’ll finally get a 360 degree view of your customers, but only after that harrowing freak accident with your neck.'
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    tweet_id: '871451891896635396'
    content: 'You will be embarrassed when you arrive wearing nothing but a mangled bikini bottom to learn that the word was actually “hackathon.”'
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    tweet_id: '871078078537224192'
    content: 'The sun blazes a trail through the bull’s zone, commanding you to hire the next person who walks through your door.'
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    tweet_id: '870709302251601920'
    content: 'The sun is in flux—now is the time to rewrite your entire web app in that experimental new front-end javascript framework.'
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    tweet_id: '870672515496017920'
    content: 'Cosmic indicators confirm that VC money will continue to subsidize your lazy, instant gratification driven, piece of shit lifestyle.'
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    tweet_id: '870576520393261056'
    content: 'While your enthusiasm and passion were genuinely appreciated, imitating an aggressive orgasm was incorrect when asked to define “Big O.”'
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    tweet_id: '870571832805646336'
    content: 'The stars regretfully inform you that since their investors are pressuring them to cut costs, this Friday will be your last day.'
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    tweet_id: '870202745176952832'
    content: 'Much to the disbelief of your co-workers, wearing a condom and penetrating a computer’s USB port will not transmit a trojan virus.'
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    tweet_id: '869825770209857536'
    content: 'You will acquire the skills necessary to become a “full stack” developer, allowing you to freely add technical debt to the entire codebase.'
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    tweet_id: '869458967348604928'
    content: 'Though you have led a long and active life, your most valuable contribution to society will still be your personal data.'
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    tweet_id: '869094824586223616'
    content: 'When you begin feeling ignored and unnoticed, remember that companies are watching you and tracking your most intimate browsing habits.'
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    tweet_id: '868725445579206656'
    content: 'You will be surprised to learn, after you start quantified self, that you are actually a zero.'
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    tweet_id: '868360811084906496'
    content: 'You will arrive at a decisive fork in the road—be prepared to merge the biggest pull request of your life.'
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    tweet_id: '868290307338752000'
    content: 'Believe in yourself—eventually, someone will laugh at your dongle joke.'
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    tweet_id: '867916494042263552'
    content: 'Your progressive startup will replace its male and female bathrooms with one, large genderless bucket.'
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    tweet_id: '867546597801984000'
    content: 'The stars will be coming to you for answers if you don’t hit their quarterly investment predictions.'
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    tweet_id: '867281959218708480'
    content: 'On the internet, nobody knows you’re a dog, until now, when your picture that got captioned “much wow” becomes a viral meme.'
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    tweet_id: '867261100248772608'
    content: 'Now is the time to retweet generously.'
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    tweet_id: '867248498139439104'
    content: 'Don’t be afraid to get your board’s approval for the new coffee machine—they’ll appreciate you looping them in.'
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    tweet_id: '866878073064624128'
    content: 'Your excitement for the new Soylent is due less to its additional nutritional value than to the fact that it’s now an enema.'
-
    tweet_id: '866507126050623488'
    content: 'Cosmic indicators confirm that VC money will continue to subsidize your lazy, instant gratification driven, piece of shit lifestyle.'
-
    tweet_id: '866140737309745152'
    content: 'You will appreciate when your company starts providing complimentary matches and candles for you to burn the midnight oil.'
-
    tweet_id: '865773555451129856'
    content: 'It may be finally time to accept the fact that your hockey stick growth will actually just be stick growth.'
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    tweet_id: '865408886215278592'
    content: 'Your name will be mentioned today when your phone number and email get added to a telemarketing list.'
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    tweet_id: '865335937668194304'
    content: 'You may experience imposter syndrome, but let the stars assure you—you really are just a fraud.'
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    tweet_id: '864969752472629248'
    content: 'The stars will be rolling out its new algorithm to make sure that your most helpful predictions will get buried in the cosmos.'
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    tweet_id: '864602592768401409'
    content: 'You’ll disrupt the “startup curve” by finding the valley of self-doubt, desert of existential nihilism, and quarry of incurable depression.'
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    tweet_id: '864236188722495488'
    content: 'On the internet, nobody knows you’re a dog, until now, when your picture that got captioned “much wow” becomes a viral meme.'
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    tweet_id: '863866314288500737'
    content: 'The stars regretfully inform you that since their investors are pressuring them to cut costs, this Friday will be your last day.'
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    tweet_id: '863499880186228736'
    content: 'Your friends are unsure what’s stranger after the hack—your password being “<PASSWORD>” or your active membership in the Neopets community.'
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    tweet_id: '863127876572512261'
    content: 'Your smart phone will become a little too smart when it retorts “no, YOU figure out directions to the Whole Foods.”'
-
    tweet_id: '862760107096113152'
    content: 'Been a 9x engineer your entire life? This week try being a 10x engineer—you may surprise yourself.'
-
    tweet_id: '862392084669620225'
    content: 'Right when the emptiness of life has forced you to contemplate ending it all, you will discover that you can now retweet your own tweets.'
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    tweet_id: '862014785025658881'
    content: 'Your insatiable appetite for entire pizza pies will be the bane of every manager’s existence.'
-
    tweet_id: '861648578053386240'
    content: 'You will be embarrassed when you arrive wearing nothing but a mangled bikini bottom to learn that the word was actually “hackathon.”'
-
    tweet_id: '861281875289022464'
    content: 'Remember—if you crash and burn as a founder in the valley, you can still become a VC.'
-
    tweet_id: '860916404605911041'
    content: 'The cosmic indicators have moved all of their tracking code to the server side, rendering your ad blockers useless.'
-
    tweet_id: '860545487031734272'
    content: 'You will finally solve your retention problem by eating that leftover P.F. Chang’s and getting completely constipated.'
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    tweet_id: '860180623289442304'
    content: 'Swiping right endlessly was not done in vain—your more dexterous thumb will unlock a whole new world of self-stimulation possibilities.'
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    tweet_id: '859816758018002945'
    content: 'You will be saddened after crawling on your knees to learn that analyzing traffic over a network is the real meaning of “packet sniffing.”'
-
    tweet_id: '859449284596510720'
    content: 'Technological advances in bovine gene splicing and fecal gastrology will finally allow you to eat your own bullshit.'
-
    tweet_id: '859073844174360576'
    content: 'The stars, looking for new revenue streams, will begin selling ads in their horoscopes, which are now brought to you by Frito Lay™.'
-
    tweet_id: '858709309215080448'
    content: 'You may experience imposter syndrome, but let the stars assure you—you really are just a fraud.'

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