<commit_before>---
layout: post
title: Are We There Yet?
date: 2017-01-18
summary: I finished book 13 on the plane today. It was appalling. I know I have complained about the previous twelve books but I swear this is by far the worst. I would rank this as the worst book I have ever read...
categories: bridge-to-carpathia
---
I finished book 13 on the plane today. It was appalling. I know I have complained about the previous twelve books but I swear this is by far the worst. I would rank this as the worst book I have ever read. I have never read <em>Twilight</em> but I think this is probably worse than that. As this will be my last post about the <em>Left Behind</em> series I have decided to go all out. You'll get plot synopsis and some choice sections of the book. You're welcome.

<em>Kingdom Come</em> takes place after Jesus returns to Earth. We are not yet in heaven, there's still 1,000 years before that happens. If you're alive and not in Hell it means that you are one of the following:
<ol>
<li><b>A natural:</b> Someone who was living at the time of Jesus's return. You survived by being a believer or being a child. You age semi-naturally AKA very slowly or not past 100 (read on for more details). You still experience feelings.</li>
<li><b>A glorified body:</b> A believer who died prior to Jesus's return and was chilling in heaven. You do not age and are permanently at your "prime" age. For instance Noah (yes, that Noah) looks like he is in his fifties. You do not really experience feelings particularly romantic feelings.</li></ol>

<p>The world still has technology and such but all believers wear white robes and everyone is vegetarian. In fact the book opens <strike>but not really since there's 40 pages of LaHaye and Jenkins prefacing the book that I skipped</strike> with this lovely paragraph:</p>
<blockquote><NAME> had to admit that the first time he saw a bear and then a leopard moving about in public, something niggled at him to keep his distance, to not show fear, to make no sudden movements. But when he saw the bear and the cat cooperate to climb a tree and make a meal of leaves and branches, he was emboldened to trust God for the whole promise. It wasn't just he who had become a vegetarian. It was true of all former carnivores.</blockquote>
<p>Who can phrase things like Jenkins can? "Something niggled at him"??? "All former carnivores"??? Impressive. Doesn't this make you excited to read the following 350+ pages?</p>

<p>The main tension in this book does not center on vegetarianism (although there is a grape dating ritual and that made me very tense) but is centered around the fact that naturals can still procreate and the children naturals must decide whether they want to follow Jesus. If they do not, they will die on their 100th birthday. They are also considered children until their 100th birthday.</p>

<p>Chloe and Buck (who now goes by Cameron/Cam because "there's nothing to buck here") are in their glorified bodies and "would live and labor together with Kenny and raise him, but as there would be no marrying or giving in marriage, their relationship would be wholly platonic." They form a school for the undecided children. They call it Children of Tribulation or COT and their mission is to educate children about the Bible and Jesus.</p>

<p>There are some rebellious children who instead of following Jesus decide to follow Lucifer. They call themselves The Other Light (TOL). Their plan is apparently to live out their 100 years trying to convert as many people as they can to their cause and then when Lucifer is "loosed" at the end of the 1,000 years they will fight on his side and hope that they win despite what the Bible says and that Lucifer will reward them. Have I mentioned that Jenkins is REALLY bad at fleshing out characters, particularly the antagonists? Here is how the leaders describe their recruitment strategy to Kenny:</p>
<blockquote>"Mexico," she said. "Drugs, parties, alcohol. We spread the word quietly, and kids who feel oppressed by their parents or by society or by the church come in droves. We get 'em on our mailing lists and go after them with intellectual arguments."
<br>"You can't be serious."
<br>[...]"There a problem, Williams?"
<br>"Yeah, there is. You lure them with booze and drugs and then you try to persuade them with reason? How reasonable can they be?"</blockquote>
<p>I would call this the date-rape strategy (there's also actually mention of a TOL member trying to rape someone with a glorified body, the TOL offender is smited/smote on the spot). In Turkey they use "hashish" because #culturalawareness. One last point about TOL, they are based in Paris because evidently Jenkins thinks France is a cesspool of druggies and cults.</p>

<p>The book mostly takes place ninety-some years into the 1,000 year reign on Earth. Raymie (that's Rayford's raptured son) and Kenny decide they want to be like their parents and grandparents and form a gang called the Millenium Force (there are other kids in it that are mostly token non-white characters). They decide that their mission is to infiltrate the TOL and undermine their efforts to gain new children to join their cause. Kenny is actually the main character this time so you know what that means... He gets a romantic subplot! YAYYYYYYYYY. Naturally Kenny meets his future wife and falls in love with her immediately. See below:</p>
<blockquote>This made Ekaterina smile and wink at Kenny, and for the first time in his life, something fluttered inside. Perhaps it was that he had never been winked at by anyone but his parents. And he had to face it: like most young people, he hadn't yet become interested in the opposite sex. Well, this one seemed interesting, and he didn't know the first thing about her.</blockquote>
<p>That's not romantic at all, Jenkins. "This one seemed interesting"??? Woo patriarchy! Anyways, Kenny and Ekaterina end up "going together" (apparently we regress to the 1960's in the future, you're welcome social conservatives, I'm sorry anybody who isn't a White male) and everyone loves them.</p>

<p>Everyone except for Qasim. Qasim wants to join the Millenium Force but Raymie and Kenny are suspicious of him. Of course, Token Non-White Character #1 screws things up by giving Qasim a mission anyways. I'll just summarize the extraordinarily boring and convoluted plot by saying that he had a crush on Ekaterina and plays some pranks on Kenny which evidently is clear evidence that he is not a believer and someone how convinces all of COT and the Millenium Force that Kenny has gone native but it turns out was the mole for the TOL in the COT. This is actually the main plot of the book, I don't know how to express how much of a waste of time reading this book felt like.</p>

<p>Sideplot #1: Abdullah becomes a Christian chaplain to his local TOL chapter. His local TOL chapter only consists of two guys. One of whom is always described as "oily." That's a check for characterization! Actually I think they are also described as short. So two for you <NAME>! There's some drama when Kenny who has infiltrated TOL's leadership shows up at Abdullah's TOL chapter but naturally it's not dramatic at all because THIS IS THE LEFT BEHIND SERIES. Also Abdullah succeeds in badgering one of the two to become a Christian, not sure if it's the oily one or not but whatever.</p>

<p>Sideplot #2: Rayford is sent with Irene (Amanda is with her first husband), Tsion, and Chaim to Egypt because Egypt rebelled against Jesus and did not attend a feast (where SURPRISE! there was actually meat). God stops all of the water from flowing into Egypt and renames it Osaze. Just trust me when I say it's all very Old Testament-y but with in-ear cellphones. Rayford gets kidnapped by the TOL chapter in Osaze but an angel rescues him and his fellow prisoners - but not before Rayford is able to convert a single mother who was his prison guard. Old man's still got it.</p>

<p>Sideplot #3: Rayford gets some "heroes of the faith" to speak to the children of COT. Noah, Joshua, Caleb, and David all come and tell their stories. I skipped those sermons because I've been to Sunday School.</p>

<p>All of this takes place in the first 342 pages of the book. The epic battle between Lucifer and Jesus and everyone actually going to heaven? Jenkins affords that a whole 11 pages. This book was clearly a cash grab despite the 40 preface pages and two postscript pages trying to convince readers otherwise.</p>

<h3>Closing Thoughts</h3>

<p><b>Moment of silence for the dead:</b> All of my brain cells</p>

<b>Question for your pastor:</b>
<ol>
<li>Can you put me in touch with a Christian publisher? I don't even want to be a writer but it seems like an easy way to make money if you can get this junk published.</li>
</ol>

<p><b>Current excitement level:</b> <strike>17. I AM SO EXCITED TO BE DONE AND TO READ SOMETHING THAT HAS ACTUAL WORTH.</strike> 1. Trump's presidency begins on Friday.</p>

<p><b>Moment of applause for the readers:</b> Yes for me (and my brave roommate who also joined me on this mission of self-flagellation) but also for you. Thanks for following me on this journey. Please go read something that actually deserves to be read. May I suggest <a target="_blank" href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316055441/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0316055441&linkCode=as2&tag=hsuchro-20&linkId=468c369d3d9be01df745af1a15908045">The Goldfinch</a> which won a Pulitzer Prize or <a target="_blank" href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1620972255/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1620972255&linkCode=as2&tag=hsuchro-20&linkId=1c5d064944725f5ce438bd81570d33c5">Strangers in Their Own Land: Anger and Mourning on the American Right</a> for some quality and empathetic non-fiction or <a target="_blank" href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/034553980X/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=034553980X&linkCode=as2&tag=hsuchro-20&linkId=edcb469f3fbe3e9a64f2309dc2deac3d">Red Rising</a> which may surpass <em>Harry Potter</em> as my favorite series ever. For real. Check it out. Now let's pretend like I didn't just waste the last two months of my life and go back to forgetting that this series ever existed.</p>
<hr>
Read all installments of my Bridge to Carpathia series <a href="https://hsureads.github.io/category/bridge-to-carpathia/">here</a>.<commit_msg>Update 2017-01-18-are-we-there-yet.md<commit_after>---
layout: post
title: Are We There Yet?
date: 2017-01-18
summary: I finished book 13 on the plane today. It was appalling. I know I have complained about the previous twelve books but I swear this is by far the worst. I would rank this as the worst book I have ever read...
categories: bridge-to-carpathia
---
I finished book 13 on the plane today. It was appalling. I know I have complained about the previous twelve books but I swear this is by far the worst. I would rank this as the worst book I have ever read. I have never read <em>Twilight</em> but I think this is probably worse than that. As this will be my last post about the <em>Left Behind</em> series I have decided to go all out. You'll get plot synopsis and some choice sections of the book. You're welcome.

<em>Kingdom Come</em> takes place after Jesus returns to Earth. We are not yet in heaven, there's still 1,000 years before that happens. If you're alive and not in Hell it means that you are one of the following:
<ol>
<li><b>A natural:</b> Someone who was living at the time of Jesus's return. You survived by being a believer or being a child. You age semi-naturally AKA very slowly or not past 100 (read on for more details). You still experience feelings.</li>
<li><b>A glorified body:</b> A believer who died prior to Jesus's return and was chilling in heaven. You do not age and are permanently at your "prime" age. For instance Noah (yes, that Noah) looks like he is in his fifties. You do not really experience feelings particularly romantic feelings.</li></ol>

<p>The world still has technology and such but all believers wear white robes and everyone is vegetarian. In fact the book opens <strike>but not really since there's 40 pages of LaHaye and Jenkins prefacing the book that I skipped</strike> with this lovely paragraph:</p>
<blockquote><NAME> had to admit that the first time he saw a bear and then a leopard moving about in public, something niggled at him to keep his distance, to not show fear, to make no sudden movements. But when he saw the bear and the cat cooperate to climb a tree and make a meal of leaves and branches, he was emboldened to trust God for the whole promise. It wasn't just he who had become a vegetarian. It was true of all former carnivores.</blockquote>
<p>Who can phrase things like Jenkins can? "Something niggled at him"??? "All former carnivores"??? Impressive. Doesn't this make you excited to read the following 350+ pages?</p>

<p>The main tension in this book does not center on vegetarianism (although there is a grape dating ritual and that made me very tense) but is centered around the fact that naturals can still procreate and the children naturals must decide whether they want to follow Jesus. If they do not, they will die on their 100th birthday. They are also considered children until their 100th birthday.</p>

<p>Chloe and Buck (who now goes by Cameron/Cam because "there's nothing to buck here") are in their glorified bodies and "would live and labor together with Kenny and raise him, but as there would be no marrying or giving in marriage, their relationship would be wholly platonic." They form a school for the undecided children. They call it Children of Tribulation or COT and their mission is to educate children about the Bible and Jesus.</p>

<p>There are some rebellious children who instead of following Jesus decide to follow Lucifer. They call themselves The Other Light (TOL). Their plan is apparently to live out their 100 years trying to convert as many people as they can to their cause and then when Lucifer is "loosed" at the end of the 1,000 years they will fight on his side and hope that they win despite what the Bible says and that Lucifer will reward them. Have I mentioned that Jenkins is REALLY bad at fleshing out characters, particularly the antagonists? Here is how the leaders describe their recruitment strategy to Kenny:</p>
<blockquote>"Mexico," she said. "Drugs, parties, alcohol. We spread the word quietly, and kids who feel oppressed by their parents or by society or by the church come in droves. We get 'em on our mailing lists and go after them with intellectual arguments."
<br>"You can't be serious."
<br>[...]"There a problem, Williams?"
<br>"Yeah, there is. You lure them with booze and drugs and then you try to persuade them with reason? How reasonable can they be?"</blockquote>
<p>I would call this the date-rape strategy (there's also actually mention of a TOL member trying to rape someone with a glorified body, the TOL offender is smited/smote on the spot). But the mailing list strategy sounds like TOL has watched a Bed, Bath & Beyond marketing webinar. Also in Turkey they use "hashish" because #culturalawareness. One last point about TOL, they are based in Paris because evidently Jenkins thinks France is a cesspool of druggies and cults.</p>

<p>The book mostly takes place ninety-some years into the 1,000 year reign on Earth. Raymie (that's Rayford's raptured son) and Kenny decide they want to be like their parents and grandparents and form a gang called the Millenium Force (there are other kids in it that are mostly token non-white characters). They decide that their mission is to infiltrate the TOL and undermine their efforts to gain new children to join their cause. Kenny is actually the main character this time so you know what that means... He gets a romantic subplot! YAYYYYYYYYY. Naturally Kenny meets his future wife and falls in love with her immediately. See below:</p>
<blockquote>This made Ekaterina smile and wink at Kenny, and for the first time in his life, something fluttered inside. Perhaps it was that he had never been winked at by anyone but his parents. And he had to face it: like most young people, he hadn't yet become interested in the opposite sex. Well, this one seemed interesting, and he didn't know the first thing about her.</blockquote>
<p>That's not romantic at all, Jenkins. "This one seemed interesting"??? Woo patriarchy! Anyways, Kenny and Ekaterina end up "going together" (apparently we regress to the 1960's in the future, you're welcome social conservatives, I'm sorry anybody who isn't a White male) and everyone loves them.</p>

<p>Everyone except for Qasim. Qasim wants to join the Millenium Force but Raymie and Kenny are suspicious of him. Of course, Token Non-White Character #1 screws things up by giving Qasim a mission anyways. I'll just summarize the extraordinarily boring and convoluted plot by saying that he had a crush on Ekaterina and plays some pranks on Kenny which evidently is clear evidence that he is not a believer and someone how convinces all of COT and the Millenium Force that Kenny has gone native but it turns out was the mole for the TOL in the COT. This is actually the main plot of the book, I don't know how to express how much of a waste of time reading this book felt like.</p>

<p>Sideplot #1: Abdullah becomes a Christian chaplain to his local TOL chapter. His local TOL chapter only consists of two guys. One of whom is always described as "oily." That's a check for characterization! Actually I think they are also described as short. So two for you <NAME>! There's some drama when Kenny who has infiltrated TOL's leadership shows up at Abdullah's TOL chapter but naturally it's not dramatic at all because THIS IS THE LEFT BEHIND SERIES. Also Abdullah succeeds in badgering one of the two to become a Christian, not sure if it's the oily one or not but whatever.</p>

<p>Sideplot #2: Rayford is sent with Irene (Amanda is with her first husband), Tsion, and Chaim to Egypt because Egypt rebelled against Jesus and did not attend a feast (where SURPRISE! there was actually meat). God stops all of the water from flowing into Egypt and renames it Osaze. Just trust me when I say it's all very Old Testament-y but with in-ear cellphones. Rayford gets kidnapped by the TOL chapter in Osaze but an angel rescues him and his fellow prisoners - but not before Rayford is able to convert a single mother who was his prison guard. Old man's still got it.</p>

<p>Sideplot #3: Rayford gets some "heroes of the faith" to speak to the children of COT. Noah, Joshua, Caleb, and David all come and tell their stories. I skipped those sermons because I've been to Sunday School.</p>

<p>All of this takes place in the first 342 pages of the book. The epic battle between Lucifer and Jesus and everyone actually going to heaven? Jenkins affords that a whole 11 pages. This book was clearly a cash grab despite the 40 preface pages and two postscript pages trying to convince readers otherwise.</p>

<h3>Closing Thoughts</h3>

<p><b>Moment of silence for the dead:</b> All of my brain cells</p>

<b>Question for your pastor:</b>
<ol>
<li>Can you put me in touch with a Christian publisher? I don't even want to be a writer but it seems like an easy way to make money if you can get this junk published.</li>
</ol>

<p><b>Current excitement level:</b> <strike>17. I AM SO EXCITED TO BE DONE AND TO READ SOMETHING THAT HAS ACTUAL WORTH.</strike> 1. Trump's presidency begins on Friday.</p>

<p><b>Moment of applause for the readers:</b> Yes for me (and my brave roommate who also joined me on this mission of self-flagellation) but also for you. Thanks for following me on this journey. Please go read something that actually deserves to be read. May I suggest <a target="_blank" href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316055441/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0316055441&linkCode=as2&tag=hsuchro-20&linkId=468c369d3d9be01df745af1a15908045">The Goldfinch</a> which won a Pulitzer Prize or <a target="_blank" href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1620972255/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1620972255&linkCode=as2&tag=hsuchro-20&linkId=1c5d064944725f5ce438bd81570d33c5">Strangers in Their Own Land: Anger and Mourning on the American Right</a> for some quality and empathetic non-fiction or <a target="_blank" href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/034553980X/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=034553980X&linkCode=as2&tag=hsuchro-20&linkId=edcb469f3fbe3e9a64f2309dc2deac3d">Red Rising</a> which may surpass <em>Harry Potter</em> as my favorite series ever. For real. Check it out. Now let's pretend like I didn't just waste the last two months of my life and go back to forgetting that this series ever existed.</p>
<hr>
Read all installments of my Bridge to Carpathia series <a href="https://hsureads.github.io/category/bridge-to-carpathia/">here</a>.
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