Long-Form Test Sets
Collection
A collection of long-form (samples > 30s) datasets used to evaluate the Distil-Whisper models.
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5 items
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Updated
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6
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audioduration (s) 24
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1:04.0 | 2:11.0 | FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, PATIENTLY AND ASTUTELY SCRUTINIZING THE BOXWOOD AND MAHOGANY CHESS SET OF THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, DEVELOPING THE CENTRAL HEADLINE-PAWNS, DEFTLY MANEUVERING AN OH-SO-TOPICAL KNIGHT TO F-6, FEIGNING A CLASSIC SICILIAN-NAJDORF VARIATION ON THE NEWS, ALL THE WHILE, SEEING EIGHT MOVES DEEP AND PATIENTLY MARSHALING THE LATEST PRESS RELEASES INTO A FISCHER SOZIN LIPNITZKY ATTACK THAT CULMINATES IN THE ELEGANT, LETHAL, SLOW-PLAYED EN PASSANT CHECKMATE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS-- I, SOMETIMES, I STARTLE AWAKE UPSIDE DOWN ON THE MONKEY BARS OF A CONDEMNED PLAYGROUND ON A SUPERFUND SITE, GET ALL HEPPED UP ON GOOFBALLS, RUMMAGE THROUGH A DISCARDED TAG BAG OF DEFECTIVE TOYS, YANK OUT A FISTFUL OF DISEMBODIED DOLL LIMBS, TOSS THEM ON A STAINED KID'S PLACEMAT FROM A DEFUNCT DENNY'S, SET UP A TABLE INSIDE A RUSTY CARGO CONTAINER DOWN BY THE WHARF, AND CHALLENGE TOOTHLESS DRIFTERS TO THE GODLESS BUGHOUSE BLITZ OF TOURNAMENT OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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2:08.3 | 3:02.3 | FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, NIGHT AFTER NIGHT ACTUALLY, CAREFULLY SELECTING FOR YOU THE DAY'S NEWSIEST, MOST AERODYNAMIC HEADLINES, STRESS TESTING THE MOST TOPICAL ANTILOCK BRAKES AND POWER STEERING, PAINSTAKINGLY STITCHING LEATHER SEATING SO SOFT, IT WOULD MAKE J.D. POWER AND HER ASSOCIATES BLUSH, TO CREATE THE LUXURY SEDAN THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I LURCH TO CONSCIOUSNESS IN THE BACK OF AN ABANDONED SCHOOL BUS AND SLAP MYSELF AWAKE WITH A CRUSTY FLOOR MAT BEFORE USING A MOUSE-BITTEN TIMING BELT TO STRAP SOME OLD PLYWOOD TO A COUPLE OF DISCARDED OIL DRUMS. THEN, BY THE LIGHT OF A HEATHEN MOON, RENDER A GAS TANK OUT OF AN EMPTY BIG GULP, FILL IT WITH WHITE CLAW AND DENATURED ALCOHOL, THEN LIGHT A MATCH AND LET HER RIP, IN THE DEMENTED ONE-MAN SOAP BOX DERBY OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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1:08.5 | 1:58.5 | LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, RAISING THE FINEST HOLSTEIN NEWS CATTLE, FIRMLY, YET TENDERLY, MILKING THE LATEST HEADLINES FROM THEIR JOKE-SWOLLEN TEATS, CHURNING THE DAILY STORIES INTO THE DECADENT, PROVENCAL-STYLE TRIPLE CREME BRIE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I STAGGER HOME HUNGRY AFTER BEING RELEASED BY THE POLICE, AND ROOT AROUND IN THE NEIGHBOR'S TRASH CAN FOR AN OLD MILK CARTON, SCRAPE OUT THE BLOOMING DAIRY RESIDUE ONTO THE REMAINS OF A WET CHEESE RIND I WON FROM A RAT IN A PRE-DAWN STREET FIGHT, PUT IT IN A DISCARDED PAINT CAN, AND LEAVE IT TO FERMENT NEXT TO A TRASH FIRE, THEN HUNKER DOWN AND HALLUCINATE WHILE EATING THE LISTERIA-LADEN DEMON CUSTARD OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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0:29.3 | 1:58.3 | FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE. CAREFULLY SORTING THROUGH THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, AND SELECTING ONLY THE MOST SUPPLE AND UNBLEMISHED OSTRICH AND CROCODILE NEWS LEATHER, WHICH I THEN ENTRUST TO ARTISAN GRADUATES OF THE "ECOLE GREGOIRE-FERRANDI," WHO CAREFULLY DYE THEM IN A PALETTE OF BRIGHT, ZESTY SHADES, AND ADORN THEM WITH THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL INLAY WORK USING HAND TOOLS AND DOUBLE MAGNIFYING GLASSES, THEN ASSEMBLE THEM ACCORDING TO NOW CLASSIC AND ELEGANT GEOMETRY USING OUR SIGNATURE SADDLE STITCHING, AND LINE IT WITH BEESWAX-COATED LINEN, AND FINALLY ATTACH A MALLET-HAMMERED STRAP, PEARLED HARDWARE, AND A CLOCHETTE TO CREATE FOR YOU THE ONE-OF-A-KIND HAUTE COUTURE HERMES BIRKIN BAG THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I WAKE UP IN THE LAST CAR OF AN ABANDONED ROLLER COASTER AT CONEY ISLAND, WHERE I'M HIDING FROM THE TRIADS, I HUFF SOME ENGINE LUBRICANTS OUT OF A SAFEWAY BAG AND STAGGER DOWN THE SHORE TO TEAR THE SAIL OFF A BEACHED SCHOONER, THEN I RIP THE CO-AXIAL CABLE OUT OF THE R.V. OF AN ELDERLY COUPLE FROM UTAH, HANK AND MABEL, LOVELY FOLKS, AND USE IT TO STITCH THE SAIL INTO A LOOSE, POUCH-LIKE RUCKSACK, THEN I STOW AWAY IN THE BACK OF A GARBAGE TRUCK TO THE JUNK YARD WHERE I PICK THROUGH THE DEBRIS FOR ONLY THE BROKEN TOYS THAT MAKE ME THE SADDEST UNTIL I HAVE LOADED, FOR YOU, THE HOBO FUGITIVE'S BUG-OUT BINDLE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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0:42.5 | 1:26.5 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME CRAFTING FOR YOU A BESPOKE PLAYLIST OF THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, RIGHT OVER THERE, METICULOUSLY SELECTING THE MOST TOPICAL CHAKRA-AFFIRMING SCENTED CANDLES, AND USING FENG SHUI TO PERFECTLY ALIGN THE JOKE ENERGY IN THE EXCLUSIVE BOUTIQUE YOGA RETREAT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, I GO TO THE DUMPSTER BEHIND THE WAFFLE HOUSE AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING, TAKE OFF MY SHIRT, COVER MYSELF IN USED FRY OIL, WRAP MY HANDS IN SOME OLD DUCT TAPE I STOLE FROM A BROKEN CAR WINDOW, THEN POUND A SIX-PACK OF BLUEBERRY HARD SELTZER AND A SACK OF PILLS I STOLE FROM A PARKED AMBULANCE, THEN ARM-WRESTLE A RACCOON IN THE BACK ALLEY VISION QUEST OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:06.0 | 2:34.0 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, MINING THE DAY'S BIGGEST, MOST IMPORTANT STORIES, COLLECTING THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL IRON ORE, HAND HAMMERING IT INTO JOKE PANELS. THEN I CRAFT SHEETS OF BRONZE EMBLAZONED WITH PATTERNS THAT TELL AN EPIC TALE OF CONQUEST AND GLORY. THEN, USING THE GERMANIC TRADITIONAL PRESSBLECH PROCESS, I PLACE THIN SHEETS OF FOIL AGAINST THE SCENES, AND BY HAMMERING OR OTHERWISE, APPLYING PRESSURE FROM THE BACK, I PROJECT THESE SCENES INTO A PAIR OF CHEEK GUARDS AND A FACEPLATE. AND, FINALLY, USING FLUTED STRIPS OF WHITE ALLOYED MOULDING, I DIVIDE THE DESIGNS INTO FRAMED PANELS AND HOLD IT ALL TOGETHER USING BRONZE RIVETS TO CREATE THE BEAUTIFUL AND INTIMIDATING ANGLO-SAXON BATTLE HELM THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, I COME TO MY SENSES FULLY NAKED ON THE DECK OF A PIRATE-BESIEGED MELEE CONTAINER SHIP THAT PICKED ME UP FLOATING ON THE DETACHED DOOR OF A PORT-A-POTTY IN THE INDIAN OCEAN. THEN, AFTER A SUNSTROKE-INDUCED REALIZATION THAT THE CREW OF THIS SHIP PLANS TO SELL ME IN EXCHANGE FOR A BAG OF ORANGES TO FIGHT OFF SCURVY, I LEAD A MUTINY USING ONLY A P.V.C. PIPE AND A POOL CHAIN. THEN, ACCEPTING MY NEW ROLE AS CAPTAIN, AND DECLARING MYSELF KING OF THE WINE-DARK SEAS, I GRAB A DIRTY MOP BUCKET COVERED IN BARNACLES AND ADORN IT WITH THE TEETH OF THE VANQUISHED, TO CREATE THE SOPPING WET PIRATE CROWN OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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0:40.0 | 1:41.0 | FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, CAREFULLY BLENDING FOR YOU THE DAY'S NEWSIEST, MOST TOPICAL FLOUR, EGGS, MILK, AND BUTTER, AND STRAINING IT INTO A FINE BATTER TO MAKE DELICATE, YET INFORMATIVE COMEDY PANCAKES. THEN I GLAZE THEM IN THE JUICE AND ZEST OF THE MOST RELEVANT MIDNIGHT VALENCIA ORANGES, AND DOUSE IT ALL IN A FINE DELAMAIN DE VOYAGE COGNAC, BEFORE FLAMBEING AND BASTING THEM TABLE SIDE, TO SERVE FOR YOU THE JAMES BEARD AWARD-WORTHY CREPES SUZETTE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY, MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I WAKE UP IN THE BAGGAGE HOLD OF A GREYHOUND BUS AS ITS BEING HOISTED BY THE SCRAPYARD CLAW TOWARD THE BURN PIT, ESCAPE TO A NEARBY ABANDONED PRICE CHOPPER, WHERE I SCROUNGE FOR OLD BREAD SCRAPS, BUSTED OPEN BAGS OF STAR FRUIT CANDIES, AND EXPIRED EGGS, CHUCK IT ALL IN A DIRTY HUBCAP AND SLAP IT OVER A TIRE FIRE BEFORE USING THE LEGS OF A STAINED PAIR OF SWEATPANTS AS OVEN MITTS TO EXTRACT AND SERVE THE DEMENTED TRANSIENT'S POUND CAKE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE." |
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1:18.5 | 2:17.5 | FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, AND I HOPE YOU DO, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, TIRELESSLY STUDYING THE LINEAGE OF THE DAY'S MOST IMPORTANT THOROUGHBRED STORIES AND HOLSTEINER HEADLINES, WORKING WITH THE BEST TRAINERS MONEY CAN BUY TO REAR THEIR COMEDY OFFSPRING WITH A HAND THAT IS STERN, YET GENTLE, INTO THE TRIPLE-CROWN-WINNING EQUINE SPECIMEN THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS I BREAK INTO AN UNINCORPORATED VETERINARY GENETICS LAB AND GRAB WHATEVER TEST TUBES I CAN FIND. AND THEN, UNDER A GROW LIGHT I GOT FROM A DISCARDED CHIA PET, I MIX THE PILFERED D.N.A. OF A HORSE AND WHATEVER WAS IN A TUBE LABELED "KEITH-COLON-EXTRA," SLURRYING THE CONCOCTION WITH CAFFEINE PILLS AND A MICROWAVED RED BULL, I SCREAM-SING A PRAYER TO JANUS, INITIATOR OF HUMAN LIFE AND GOD OF TRANSFORMATION AS A HALF-HORSE, HALF-MAN FREAK, SEIZES TO LIFE BEFORE ME IN THE HIDEOUS COLLECTION OF LOOSE ANIMAL PARTS AND CORRUPTED MAN TISSUE THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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0:44.0 | 1:08.0 | FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW SOMETIMES I'M OVER THERE DOING THE MONOLOGUE. AND THEN THERE'S A COMMERCIAL BREAK, AND THEN I'M SITTING HERE. AND I DO A REALLY LONG DESCRIPTION OF A DIFFERENT SEGMENT ON THE SHOW, A SEGMENT WE CALL... "MEANWHILE!" |
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0:00.0 | 0:58.0 | WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, COMBING OVER THE DAY'S NEWS, SELECTING ONLY THE HIGHEST QUALITY AND MOST TOPICAL BONDED CALFSKIN-LEATHER STORIES, CAREFULLY TANNING THEM AND CUTTING THEM WITH MILLIMETER PRECISION, THEN WEAVING IT TOGETHER IN A DOUBLE-FACED INTRECCIATO PATTERN TO CREATE FOR YOU THE EXQUISITE BOTTEGA VENETA CLUTCH THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, WHILE AT A RAVE IN A CONDEMNED CEMENT FACTORY, I GET INJECTED WITH A MYSTERY COCKTAIL OF HALLUCINOGENS AND PAINT SOLVENTS, THEN, OBEYING THE VOICES WHO WILL STEAL MY TEETH IF I DON'T, I STUMBLE INTO A SHIPYARD WHERE I RIP THE CANVAS TARP FROM A GRAVEL TRUCK, AND TIE IT OFF WITH THE ROPE FROM A ROTTING FISHING NET, THEN WANDER A FOOD COURT, FILLING IT WITH WHAT I THINK ARE GOLD COINS BUT ARE, IN FACT, OTHER PEOPLE'S CAR KEYS, TO DRAG AROUND THE ROOTLESS TRANSIENT'S CLUSTER SACK OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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0:26.0 | 1:16.0 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME STANDING RIGHT OVER THERE, GOING OVER THE DAY'S NEWS AND SELECTING THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL CARBON FIBER STORIES, SHAPING THEM IN DRY DOCK INTO A SLEEK AND SEXY HULL, KITTING IT OUT WITH THE MOST TOPICAL FIBERGLASS AND TEAK FITTINGS BRASS RAILINGS, HOT TUBS, AND NEWS HELIPADS, TO CREATE THE CUSTOM DESIGNED, GLEAMING MEGA-YACHT THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I WASH ASHORE AT AN ABANDONED BEACH RESORT AFTER A NIGHT OF BATH SALTS AND SCOPOLAMINE, LASH SOME ROTTING PICNIC TABLES TOGETHER, THEN DREDGE THE NEWS POND TO HAUL UP WHATEVER DISCARDED TRICYCLES AND BROKEN FRISBEES I CAN FIND, STEAL AN EYE PATCH FROM A HOBO, STAPLE A DEAD PIGEON TO MY SHOULDER, AND SAIL INTO INTERNATIONAL WATERS ON THE PIRATE GARBAGE SCOW OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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1:34.0 | 2:17.0 | FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME STANDING RIGHT OVER THERE, OKAY, HANDPICKING ONLY THE RIPEST MOST TOPICAL DAILY HEADLINES, SEEKING OUT THE SWEETEST, MOST REFINED OF JEST-JAMS AND JOKE-JELLIES, CURATING A PLATE OF LOCAL COMEDY-FED MEATS AND SATIRICAL CHEESES TO LAY OUT THE ARTISANAL CHARCUTERIE BOARD A-NEWS BOUCHE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP IN THE GREASE TRAP OF AN UNLICENSED SLAUGHTERHOUSE, SPLASH MY FACE WITH SOME BEEF TALLOW, RENDER A RUDIMENTARY PRESERVE FROM BONE MARROW AND MELTED GUMMY WORMS, AND THROW IT TOGETHER WITH SOME SWEETBREADS AND TRIPE TO PRESENT THE PLOWMAN'S PLATTER OF UNCLAIMED OFFAL THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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1:00.0 | 2:09.0 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND SO MUCH OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, SIFTING THROUGH THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, HAND SELECTING ONLY THE FINEST, MOST PERFECTLY AGED BURMESE NEWS TEAK. THEN CAREFULLY CARVING AND SHAPING IT INTO A REFINED BUDDHA, DEPICTED IN THE "CALLING THE EARTH TO WITNESS" GESTURE, WITH CHARACTERISTIC CIRCULAR PATTERNS ON THE ROBE, SHINS, AND KNEES, OF COURSE, WHICH I THEN CAREFULLY GILD WITH THE MOST TOPICAL GOLD LEAF. THEN I HARVEST THE SAP OF A USITATA TREE TO APPLY THE DELICATE TAI O LACQUER, AND FINALLY HAND DECORATE IT WITH THE WHITE GLASS INLAYS TO CREATE FOR YOU THE GLORIOUS AMARA-PURA PERIOD SCULPTURE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES FOLKS, I WASH UP ON A GALVESTON BEACH, NAKED ON A RAFT OF GAS CANS AFTER ESCAPING FROM A FIGHT CLUB IN INTERNATIONAL WATERS. THEN, STILL DERANGED ON A COCKTAIL OF MESCALINE AND COUGH SYRUP, I STEAL A CINDER BLOCK FROM UNDER A STRIPPED '87 FORD TAURUS, AND CHIP AWAY AT IT WITH A BROKEN UMBRELLA HANDLE I SCAVENGED FROM A GOODWILL DUMPSTER UNTIL IT VAGUELY RESEMBLES THE HUNGERING WOLF THAT SCRATCHES AT THE DOOR OF MY DREAMS AND PRESENT TO YOU THE TORMENTED DREAD-EFFIGY OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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0:57.0 | 2:40.0 | YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU'RE AWARE THAT I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, WANDERING THE NEWS FOREST FOR YOU, FELLING ONLY THE BIGGEST AND HEARTIEST WHITE STORY OAKS, CUTTING AND SHAPING THEM INTO THE NEWSIEST, MOST TOPICAL CLEATS, CLAMPS AND PLANKS, KEEPING THEM AT A CONSTANT ANGLE, GRADUALLY CREATING A SHELL-SHAPED, SHALLOW BOWL HULL USING THE FIRE-BENDING TECHNIQUE INSTEAD OF STEAM-BENDING OBVIOUSLY. THEN I LAY OUT ALL THE KEEL BLOCKS TO CAREFULLY SET UP THE STEM, STERN AND, GARBOARD, ATTACH THE BILGE FUTTOCKS TO THE TIMBER AND LOVINGLY CRAFT A FLAT TRANSOM STERN OUT OF NATURALLY-CURVED QUARTER CIRCLES. THEN SECURE ALL THE PLANKS WITH TRUNNELS HANDMADE FROM THE FINEST LOCUST WOOD AND, FINALLY, ADORN IT WITH A PROUD BOWSPRIT, FOREPEAK, AND CUSTOM GILDED FIGUREHEAD TO PRESENT TO YOU THE DUTCH GOLDEN AGE "SPIEGEL-JACHT" THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS-- YOU GOT TO HYDRATE AFTER THAT. "SPIEGEL-JACHT" BUT SOMETIMES, I AWAKEN FROM A MEAT-SWEAT- INDUCED FEVER STRAPPED TO A BASKET ON THE WONDER WHEEL AT CONEY ISLAND, STUMBLE ACROSS THE GARBAGE-FLECKED BEACH TO THE SOUND OF A TERRIFYING RAGGED BELLOW I REALIZE IS COMING FROM MY OWN LUNGS, WHICH THEN SUMMONS AN ARMY OF SEAGULLS WHOM I INSTRUCT TO GATHER THE HALF-EMPTIED CANS OF BUSCH LIGHT LEFT BY A MOB OF BELGIAN TOURISTS, ALL OF WHICH I GATHER INTO A SACK I FASHIONED OUT OF PANTS I STOLE FROM A SLEEPING COP. THEN I SWIPE A GIANT INFLATABLE BABY YODA FROM A CARNY GAME, STRAP IT TO THE MAST I MADE BY RIPPING A B-68 BUS STOP SIGN OUT OF THE GROUND ON THE CORNER OF STILLWELL, AND LAUNCH THE VESSEL AS CAPTAIN OF THE UNREGULATED PIRATE BOOZE CRUISE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE"! |
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1:48.3 | 2:37.3 | FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, CARVING THE FINEST, MOST-TOPICAL JAPANESE NEWS CYPRESS INTO AN EXPRESSIVE HANNYA DEMON MASK, DONNING MY BLACK AND GOLD SHOZOKU ROBES MADE OF THE SMOOTHEST STORY SILK, AND MASTERING THE ELABORATE CHOREOGRAPHY OF STILLNESS AND MOVEMENT, TO CREATE THE JAPANESE NOH THEATER PRODUCTION THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I ENTER A FUGUE STATE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, SIPHON A BUCKETFUL OF GASOLINE OUT OF MY NEIGHBOR'S MAZDA, RUN BAREFOOT FROM MY HOUSE TO A HOVEL UNDER THE TURNPIKE WHERE I ASK A HOBO FOR A LIGHT AND SET A GARBAGE CAN ABLAZE, THEN PLACE MY FROSTBITTEN HANDS IN FRONT OF THE DUMPSTER TO PROJECT THE SHADOW PUPPET WINO OPERA OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT, "MEANWHILE." |
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0:28.0 | 1:46.0 | FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, ASSEMBLING THE DAY'S BIGGEST, MOST-IMPORTANT STORIES, THEN HAND-SHAPING THEM INTO SLEEK, ELEGANT BODYWORK, WHICH I LINE WITH ONLY THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL POLISHED MACASSAR EBONY AND OPEN-PORE PALDAO VENEER, ADDING LIGHT MOCCASIN AND DARK SPICE LEATHER SEATS, AND MALABAR TEAK WOOD TO SET OFF A SCULPTED MINIMALIST SWITCHGEAR, ACCOMPANIED BY A STERLING SILVER HUMIDOR AND CHAMPAGNE CELLARETTE, THEN HAND-SET 1,600 FIBER OPTIC LIGHTS ALIGNED WITH PINPOINT PERFORATIONS IN THE ROOF-LINING, TO CREATE FOR YOU THE BESPOKE COACH BUILT ROLLS-ROYCE SWEPTAIL THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES, I JUST, I JUST SHRIEK AWAKE IN THE SCRAPYARD OF A DERELICT MACHINE SHOP, SCAVENGE A 3.6-HORSEPOWER BRIGGS AND STRATTON LAWN MOWER ENGINE, BULLY A DOG INTO GIVING ME ITS FRISBEE TO USE AS A STEERING WHEEL, THEN I BRIEFLY CONSIDER-- BUT DECIDE AGAINST-- SWIPING THE BRAKE PADS OFF AN UNATTENDED HEARSE, BECAUSE WHERE I'M GOING, WE DON'T NEED BRAKES. I HOOK IT ALL UP TO A RUSTY DOLLAR TREE SHOPPING CART, SHOTGUN A WHITE CLAW, NO LAW ON THE CLAW, SPRAY PAINT MY TEETH, AND BLAST OFF IN THE "FURY ROAD" THUG-BUGGY OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE"! |
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0:43.5 | 1:30.5 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME STANDING RIGHT OVER THERE, COMBING THROUGH THE DAY'S STORIES TO FIND AND ERECT FOR YOU THE FINEST GRECIAN NEWS COLUMNS, ADORNING THEM WITH THE MOST UP-TO-THE-MINUTE BAS-RELIEF. AND THEN I IMPART MY MOST TOPICAL TEACHINGS TO BE ABSORBED BY EAGER, SPONGE-LIKE MINDS IN THE AUGUST ATHENIAN ACADEMY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I COME TO IN A DRIED-OUT BABY POOL ON AN ABANDONED RANCH I WON IN A RUSSIAN ROULETTE GAME OFF THE COAST OF MOZAMBIQUE I GATHER TUMBLEWEEDS AND I LASH THEM TOGETHER WITH SOME TWINE I FOUND IN A DUMPSTER BY A BURNED-OUT REST STOP, THEN I SHOTGUN A HOT MONSTER ENERGY DRINK AND CHEW ON MACA ROOT AS I HALLUCINATE THROUGH THE NIGHT IN THE VAGRANT'S HOT -BOX YURT OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWILE!" |
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1:33.0 | 2:12.0 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I'VE SPENT DECADES CULTIVATING THE MOST RELEVANT RED OAK, FELLING THEM WITH TOPICAL HUSQVARNAS, MULTIGRADING THEM INTO THE MOST BUZZWORTHY THREE-QUARTER INCH FLOORSTRIPS, AND FINISHING THEM WITH UP-TO-THE-MINUTE HIGH-GLOSS POLYURETHANE, TO LAY FOR YOU THE FLAWLESS PARQUET N.B.A.-QUALITY BASKETBALL COURT THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I SCARE THE GEESE OUT OF THE BOG BEHIND MY UNCLE'S SHED, FILL IT WITH SAND I STOLE FROM AN ABANDONED PLAYGROUND, THEN BLANKET IT WITH WET TRASH AND DISCARDED AMAZON BOXES, TO CREATE FOR YOU THE MUSKRAT-RIDDLED BOUNCELESS BACKYARD WALLBALL PIT OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:39.0 | 2:24.0 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW AND I HOPE YOU DO, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, CAREFULLY ERECTING THE NEWSIEST, MOST TOPICAL CORINTHIAN COLUMNS, FOLLOWING THE GOLDEN RATIO, POLISHING THE FINEST CARRARA MARBLE, AND ENGRAVING ONTO IT MYTHIC TALES WITH FLOURISHES OF HUMOR AND PATHOS, TO CREATE THE GRECO-ROMAN ACROPOLIS THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I GRAB A COUPLE OF OFF-BRAND LEGOS THAT HAVE BEEN JAMMED BETWEEN MY TOES SINCE I STEPPED ON THEM IN 2003, FISH THE STICKS OUT OF SOME MELTED POPSICLES IN A BROKEN FREEZER, COLLECT THE PRE-SOAKED SAND FROM A PLAYGROUND I BROKE INTO IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT, AND THROW IT ALL TOGETHER TO CONSTRUCT FOR YOU THE RAMSHACKLE PARTHENON OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:10.0 | 2:59.0 | FOLKS, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, SURVEYING THE NEWS MARKET FOR THE BIGGEST STORIES, THEN CAREFULLY SELECTING THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL BUFFALO NEWS HIDE WHICH I THEN SOAK USING NATURAL SPRING AND LIMEWATER-- ONLY DURING COLDER MONTHS-- AND SCRAPE IT UNTIL IT IS EVENLY TRANSLUCENT AND SUPPLE. AND THEN, USING THE TRADITIONAL PUSH-KNIFE METHOD, I DELICATELY MAKE MORE THAN 3,000 CUTS TO CREATE THE EMOTIVE AND POWERFUL FIGURINE WHICH I DECORATE WITH GRADATIONS AND CONTRAST, EMPLOYING THE SHAANXI REGION FIVE-COLOR SYSTEM. THEN I CAREFULLY CONNECT THE FIGURINE'S JOINTS WITH COTTON THREADS SO THEY CAN BE OPERATED FREELY, AND FIRE UP A PAPER LANTERN BEHIND A FINE HUANGZHOU SILK SCREEN, AND, BACKED BY A SUONA HORN, AND YUEQIN, AND BANHU FIDDLE, I OPERATE NO LESS THAN FIVE OF THESE FIGURINES AT ONCE, BECOMING THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF THE 1,000-HAND GWAN-YIN, TO MOUNT FOR YOU THE EPIC AND MOVING TONG DYNASTY PI-YING SHADOW PLAY THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES, IT'S CRAFTSMANSHIP. IT GOES LIKE THAT, RIGHT THERE. SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I AM PECKED AWAKE BY A DIRTY SEAGULL ON THE INTRACOASTAL WATERWAY, WHILE STILL LYING ON THE BACK OF A MANATEE WHO RESCUED ME FROM SOME ARMS DEALERS I DOUBLE-CROSSED OFF THE COAST OF CAPE FEAR, AND WHO THEN DUMPS ME ON AN ABANDONED WHARF WHERE I SLIP THEIR DIRTY SOCK OFF A SEVERED FOOT I FISHED OUT OF A STORM DRAIN, AND SLAP GOOGLY EYES ON IT MADE FROM TWO MENTOS I PRIED OUT OF THE MOUTH OF A MANGY COYOTE. THEN I FASHION A KAZOO OUT OF A POCKET COMB I STOLE FROM A FISHERMAN AND THE WAX PAPER FROM HIS MEATBALL SUB, TO HONK OUT A DIRGE WHILE YAMMERING A TONE POEM ABOUT THE DEMONS INFESTING MY BEARD IN THE UNBALANCED MANIC SOCK PUPPET SHOW OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:49.5 | 2:42.5 | FOLKS. I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME GATHERING FOR YOU THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL STORIES ABOUT NATIONAL STUDIES, SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGHS, AND DRUNK MOOSE BREAKING INTO ICE CREAM SHOPS, ONLY TO HAVE A PANDEMIC HIT, DURING WHICH I TAKE THEM INTO A SAD, EMPTY LITTLE ROOM WHERE MY ONLY FRIENDS ARE ROBOT CAMERAS AND A PURELL BOTTLE, AND I LET MYSELF GO WHILE SLOWLY DESCENDING INTO MADNESS AS I SHOVE MY SWEET INNOCENT LITTLE JOKES INTO A SEGMENT THAT I AM FORCED TO RENAME "QUARANTINE-WHILE." BUT SOMETIMES, I CRAWL OUT OF THE BROOM CLOSET AFTER 15 MONTHS, POUR MYSELF BACK INTO A SUIT, ASSEMBLE THE TOP TEAM IN THE BUSINESS, THE SWINGINGEST BAND IN LATE NIGHT, AND THE BEST DAMN AUDIENCE IN THE WORLD. SO I CAN RETURN TO YOUR LOVING ARMS IN THE KICK-ASS, PROPERLY-PRESENTED CELEBRATION OF MARGINAL NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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0:52.0 | 1:37.0 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME HARVESTING THE DAY'S MOST TOPICAL MATCHA POWDER, CAREFULLY POLISHING THE NEWSIEST CHAWAN TEA BOWL WITH A HEMP CLOTH, AND ADDING THE PUREST BOILED WATER COLLECTED FROM THE RIVER OF STORIES, TO STAGE THE ELEGANT JAPANESE TEA CEREMONY THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, I CONVINCE A TRUCK DRIVER TO GIVE ME A RIDE IN EXCHANGE FOR AN UNREGISTERED HAND GUN AND A HALF-EATEN CAN OF BEANS, HITCHHIKE TO THE SONORA DESERT WITH NOTHING BUT AN OLD POT THAT I FILL WITH THE NEWSPAPER I'VE BEEN USING FOR A BLANKET, AND THE SALVAGED TOBACCO FROM A SIDEWALK CIGARETTE BUTT, TO BREW FOR YOU, THE NIGHTMARE HALLUCINATION-INDUCING FERMENTED AYAHUASCA SLURRY OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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0:37.6 | 1:26.6 | FOLKS, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, THAT I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, GATHERING THE FRESHEST, NEWSIEST HEADLINE FLOWERS, SCOURING THE FIELDS AND FORESTS FOR THE MOST TOPICAL AND FRAGRANT SYLVAN NEWS BOUGHS, THE JOKIEST FESTIVE GOURDS, AND THEN CAREFULLY ASSEMBLING AND ARRANGING THEM ALL INTO THE GRAND YET TASTEFUL STATE DINNER-WORTHY CENTERPIECE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, NOW, SOMETIMES, I RUB SOME LEAD PAINT CHIPS ONTO MY GUMS, STAGGER INTO THE WOODS WITH NOTHING BUT A STAPLE GUN AND SOME EMPTY CANS OF SPRAY PAINT, AND THEN, BY THE LIGHT OF THE TIRE-FIRE, USING SMASHED LARVAE AND MY OWN SALIVA AS GLUE, I COBBLE TOGETHER A CRUDE PILE OF PUNKY WOOD AND ANIMAL SKULLS TO PRESENT TO YOU THE UNHINGED LONER'S CORNUCOPIA OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:36.0 | 2:19.0 | YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE HAND-RAISING AND SELECTING THE NEWEST, MOST-TOPICAL SEVILLE ORANGES, CAREFULLY SIMMERING THEM WITH TURBINADO SUGAR AND PRISTINE FILTERED WATER TO CREATE FOR YOU A DOUBLE-GOLD-MEDAL-WINNING BITTERSWEET ENGLISH MARMALADE TO SPREAD ON THE PERFECTLY TOASTED ARTISANAL BRIOCHE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I GRAB AN EXPIRED TUB OF WHIPPING CREAM, TOSS IT IN A BLENDER WITH THE HALF OF A GOGURT I FOUND IN A SCHOOLYARD, AND LET THAT FERMENT BEHIND THE FURNACE WHILE I FISH A DRIED PITA OUT OF THE GUTTER UNDERNEATH THE CORN-- CORNER KEBAB STAND, THEN SLATHER IT WITH THE UNPRESSURIZED NIGHTMARE DAIRY OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:14.0 | 1:53.0 | YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER THERE CAREFULLY ASSEMBLING THE MOST TOPICAL VIRTUOSO WIND SECTION, TUNING THE VIOLAS, CELLOS, AND CONTRABASS TO THE COUNTRY'S ZEITGEIST, AND WAVING MY CONDUCTOR'S BATON TO THE TEMPLE OF HUMOR TO PRESENT FOR YOU THE SPECTACULAR BRAHMS CONCERTO IN SATIRE MAJOR THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP IN A FUGUE STATE BEHIND THE ABANDONED VIDEO STORE, STEAL A GARBAGE CAN LID AND A BROKEN UMBRELLA HANDLE, AND THEN GRAB AN EMPTY CAN OF P.B.R. I'VE BEEN USING AS AN ASHTRAY TO FASHION A RUSTED KAZOO, ALL TO CREATE THE 2-IN-THE-MORNING ONE-MAN-STOMP SHOW OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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0:49.3 | 1:48.3 | FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, TENDERLY CLIPPING THE NEWSIEST, MOST FRAGRANT TEA-LEAF BUDS OF THE DAY, GINGERLY LAYING THEM TO DRY BY THE LIGHT OF THE ROSY-FINGERED DAWN, PAINSTAKINGLY STEEPING THEM TO PERFECTION IN THE MOST TOPICAL OF FRESH WATER GATHERED FROM THE NATION'S NEWS RESERVOIR, BEFORE CEREMONIOUSLY SERVING TO YOU THE ANTIOXIDANT-RICH ELIXIR OF BESPOKE TEA SHAN THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES FOLKS, AFTER A BENDER ON ABSINTHE AND MOUNTAIN DEW CODE RED, I SWEAT MYSELF AWAKE HOVERED OVER A VAT OF BLISTERING SEWER RUNOFF. I ADD TO THE GURGLING POT OF NIGHTMARES WHATEVER THE VOICES DEMAND: SCRAPS OF WET TRASHCAN LETTUCE AND BAND-AIDS FROM THE COMMUNITY POOL. THEN, USING AN OLD GYM SOCK I FOUND AT THE HOBOKEN Y.M.C.A., I STRAIN IT ALL INTO A DISUSED GASOLINE CONTAINER TO OFFER YOU THE SCALDING-HOT DEMENTED DEMON TONIC OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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0:57.0 | 2:02.0 | FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, CRUISING THE VAST TSUKIJI FISH MARKET OF THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, CAREFULLY SURVEYING THE FRESHEST, MOST TOPICAL CATCH OF THE DAY, CHOOSING ONLY THE HIGHEST GRADE AHI NEWS TUNA, AWABI, AND UNAGI, THEN DELICATELY PICKING THROUGH THE RICE GRAINS OF THE HEADLINES, GENTLY WRAPPING THE INGREDIENTS IN THE FRESHEST HAND-PICKED NORI, AND CAREFULLY LAYING IT ALL OUT TO PRESENT TO YOU THE YAMANAKA LACQUERED THREE-TIER JUBAKO BENTO BOX THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT -- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. YOU KNOW WHAT'S COMING. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I AM SLAPPED AWAKE BY A POSSUM ON A BED OF WET TIRES NEAR A LONG-ABANDONED WHARF, SELL MY LAST REMAINING ADULT TEETH TO A VAGRANT FISHMONGER FOR AN EXPIRED SALMON CARCASS, AND GRIND THAT INTO A SOFT PASTE, THEN ROLL IT IN ENOUGH STALE RICE KRISPIES TO MAKE SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP TAKE A HARD LOOK IN THE MIRROR, AND SERVE YOU THE NIGHT-SCREAM INDUCING HOBO HAND-ROLL OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:31.0 | 2:15.0 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, DIGGING DOWN INTO THE NEWS PIT AND MINING FOR YOU THE DAY'S CLEAREST STORY DIAMONDS, CLEAVING THEM INTO THE MOST TOPICAL CUTS, FACETING THEM, POLISHING THEM TO A HIGH FINISH, THEN SETTING THEM ALL IN A DELICATE 24 KARAT GOLD CHAIN TO CREATE THE BESPOKE CARTIER NECKLACE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE, BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES FOLKS, I JUST HUFF A LITTLE TOO MUCH EPOXY AND STUMBLE DOWN TO AN ABANDONED PIER, WHERE I FIND A PIECE OF DISUSED FISHING LINE AND STRING IT WITH OLD BOTTLE CAPS, RUSTY PADLOCKS, AND BABY TEETH, THEN RIP THE SEAT BELT OUT OF A BURNED-OUT POLICE CAR TO MAKE A CLASP, AND PARADE NAKED THROUGH A CHI-CHI'S WEARING THE PSYCHO CHOKER OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE." |
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3:53.0 | 4:35.0 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, HANGING FOR YOU THE DAY'S HOTTEST, MOST TOPICAL NEWS DECORATIONS, BOOKING THE SEXIEST BAND, CURATING THE MOST RELEVANT DRINKS MENU, DISTRIBUTING PLAYFUL, YET TASTEFUL PARTY FAVORS, AND GLITTER HATS THAT SAY "2022," AND THEN SETTING THE MOST AU-COURANT LIGHTING TO THROW FOR YOU THE UPSCALE, "PITCH PERFECT" NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I WAKE UP IN THE RAFTERS AFTER LOSING A BET TO A CROW. AND THEN I SPIKE THE PUNCH BOWL WITH CHLOROFORM AND MILITARY-GRADE HELICOPTER LUBRICANTS, MAKE A BUNCH OF RESOLUTIONS TO QUIT HUFFING WD-40, AND PUNCH A POLICE HORSE DURING THE FUGITIVE NEW YEAR'S HO-DOWN OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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0:38.0 | 1:18.0 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME SHUCKING FOR YOU THE DAY'S MOST TOPICAL CLAMS, BONING THE FINEST, MOST CURRENT NEWS CHICKENS, AND COLLECTING THE HIGHEST QUALITY STORY SHRIMP AND SAFFRON RICE, THEN GENTLY SIMMERING IT ALL IN A CAST-IRON COMEDY PAI-YERA, TO CREATE THE FRAGRANT SEAFOOD PAELLA THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I SHAMBLE DOWN TO THE DOCKS WITH A RUSTY CROWBAR, MANEUVER THROUGH THE POLLUTED CANAL USING A MCDONALD'S STRAW AS A SNORKEL, AND SCRAPE THE BARNACLES OFF A PASSING GARBAGE SCOW, TOSS THEM IN A POT WITH SOME HALF-USED RAMEN FLAVORED PACKETS AND MOUNTAIN DEW, TO BREW FOR YOU THE CHUNKY STEW OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:00.0 | 1:43.0 | YOU KNOW FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME STANDING RIGHT OVER THERE, PAINSTAKINGLY PENCILING THE DAY'S MOST TOPICAL AND HEROIC STORIES, STAGING THEM IN METICULOUSLY PLANNED PANELS, HAND-INKING THEM WITH THE PITHIEST DIALOGUE, THEN COLOR BALANCING THE FINISHED PAGES TO CREATE FOR YOU THE GENRE-BENDING ONCE-IN-A-GENERATION GRAPHIC NOVEL THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I JUST TEAR A PAGE OUT OF A WET NEWSPAPER I PEELED OFF A SUBWAY SEAT, GRAB A BROKEN CRAYON I FOUND IN MY COUCH, CRUDELY DRAW SOME FILTHY CARTOONS, SCRIBBLE IN AS MANY CURSE WORDS AS I CAN IN THE PORNOGRAPHIC DRIFTER ZINE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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0:39.0 | 2:11.0 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, PORING OVER THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, COLLECTING THE FINEST, MOST-TOPICAL NEWS CALFSKINS AND PAINSTAKINGLY WASHING THEM IN A CALCIUM HYDROXIDE SOLUTION, THEN SOAKING THEM IN LIME FOR DAYS TO REMOVE ALL NARRATIVE IMPURITIES AND CREATE A PALE VELLUM THAT I LATER PLACE ON MY SCRIPTORIUM IN A MONASTERY ON THE CLIFFS OF DOVER. THERE, USING A PEN CUT FROM THE WING FEATHER OF A SWAN OF THE RIVER AVON, I DESIGN COPTIC AND SYRIAC ILLUSTRATIONS, ADORNED WITH WHIMSICAL CELTIC SPIRALS AND USE GERMANIC ZOOMORPHIC DESIGNS TO CREATE THE MARGINALIA SURROUNDING THE PAGES OF ELEGANT HALF-UNCIAL INSULAR SCRIPT THAT TELL THE HOLIEST OF STORIES, WHICH I THEN BIND WITH GOLDEN THREAD UNDER A PROTECTIVE CASE OF CARVED OAK TO CREATE FOR YOU THE GLORIOUS LATE ANGLO-SAXON PERIOD ILLUMINATED MANUSCRIPT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES, THESE PEOPLE KNOW, THEY KNOW, THEY KNOW BUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I COME TO UNDER A RAMP IN THE MIDDLE OF A DEMOLITION DERBY, HOTWIRE THE TRUCKASAURUS AND LEAD THE POLICE ON A CHASE BEFORE CRASHING INTO A SWAMP GATHERING JUST AS, WHAT I ASSUME IS A PRIEST SAYS, "YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE," RIP A LEECH OFF MY ASS, AND USE IT TO HASTILY DOODLE A SKETCH OF THE SCENE IN MY OWN BLOOD ON AN OLD DAVE AND BUSTERS RECEIPT, THEN STAGGER TOWARD THE HAPPY COUPLE CLUTCHING THE NIGHTMARE STALKER'S WEDDING ALBUM OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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0:22.5 | 1:08.5 | FOLKS, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF RIGHT TIME OVER THERE, CAREFULLY STUDYING THE LATEST, NEWSIEST CLINICAL STUDIES, PRACTICING AND TRAINING UNDER THE BEST, MOST TOPICAL DOCTORS, CAREFULLY STERILIZING ALL MY EQUIPMENT, AND ASSEMBLING THE WORLD'S GREATEST SURGICAL TEAM TO PERFORM FOR YOU THE DAZZLINGLY COMPLEX AND GROUNDBREAKING THORACIC AORTIC DISSECTION REPAIR THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, I GET KICKED OUT OF MY HEALTH CARE PLAN FOR LISTING MY DOG BENNY AS A GASTROENTEROLOGIST, SO I STIPPLE SOME INCISION MARKS ON MY ABDOMEN WITH A DRIED-OUT SHARPIE, SLAM A COUPLE OF RED BULLS IN FRONT OF A SHATTERED MIRROR, AND FISH A RUSTY BONING KNIFE OUT OF A STOLEN CRAB BOAT TO PERFORM THE EXPLORATORY HOBO APPENDECTOMY OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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2:04.0 | 2:54.0 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE. CAREFULLY COMBING THROUGH THE BIGGEST STORIES OF THE DAY, SOURCING FOR YOU THE NEWSIEST MIKADO ORGANZA IN A HIGH SHEEN, ADDING THE MOST TOPICAL IVORY FEATHER FRINGE AND A DIPPED BACK, THEN THROWING ON A DEMURE BUT KICKY FLORAL EMBROIDERED TULLE SHRUG WITH STATEMENT PEARL ACCENTS TO PRESENT TO YOU THE GLORIOUS "VOGUE" COVER-READY WEDDING GOWN THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, WHILE ON A GLUE-HUFFING BINGE, I CRASH A STOLEN HEARSE INTO AN ABANDONED CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL WHERE I USE MY TEETH TO TEAR UP SOME OLD CURTAINS AND STAINED CARPETING, AND STEAL A BUTTON OFF AN OLD SURGICAL APRON, AND STITCH IT ALL TOGETHER WITH A NEEDLE MADE FROM A CHICKEN BONE TO THROW TOGETHER THE SHRIEKING CAT LADY'S SACK DRESS OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE." |
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0:00.0 | 0:49.0 | FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME ON THE SHOW-- IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW YOU'D FIGURE THIS OUT, RIGHT OVER THERE, STANDING RIGHT OVER THERE IN THE MONOLOGUE SPELUNKING THROUGH THE DAY'S STORIES TO SELECT AND SOURCE THE NEWSIEST MARBLE, CHISELING IT INTO A PEDESTAL OF HUMOR AS WIDE AS TWO GREEK ISLES. THEN I CAST THE MOST TOPICAL CURRENT-EVENTS-BRONZE INTO A FINELY CRAFTED MOULD TO ERECT FOR YOU THE TOWERING GRECIAN COLOSSUS THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I JOLT AWAKE INSIDE WHAT'S LEFT OF A RUSTED MAZDA MIATA IN A WHITE CLAW AND OVEN-CLEANER-INDUCED FUGUE STATE, SHAMBLE THROUGH THE JUNKYARD, RANSACKING THE DEBRIS FOR OLD FISHING RODS, MELTED BATTERIES AND THE SHOVEL OF A DERELICT BACKHOE, AND THEN BOOST AN ACETYLENE TORCH TO HASTILY WELD TOGETHER THE BOOTLEG TRUCKASAURUS OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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2:00.0 | 2:35.0 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPENT A LOT OF TIME CAREFULLY RESEARCHING THE DAY'S MOST CULTURALLY PRECIOUS STORIES, CROSS-REFERENCING HISTORICAL ACCOUNTS WITH TOPOGRAPHICAL MAPS, AND ASSEMBLING THE FINEST TEAM OF ARCHAEOLOGISTS TO UNEARTH THE UNESCO WORLD HERITAGE EXCAVATION SITE OF HUMOR THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I DISTRACT AN ORPHAN WITH A PIECE OF LINT-COVERED CANDY AND STEAL THEIR BUCKET AND PAIL, THEN SNEAK INTO THE POTTER'S FIELD IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT WITH TWO DRIFTERS I PICKED UP ON THE COMMUTER TRAIN, AND FORCE THEM TO DIG FOR THE ABANDONED PAUPER'S GRAVE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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2:57.0 | 4:32.0 | FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, CAREFULLY COMBING THE NEWS LANDSCAPE AND HARVESTING THE FINEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL STORY PIGMENTS LIKE MALACHITE, AZURITE, AND CINNABAR, WHICH I SLOWLY GRIND UNDER A GLASS OF MULLER WITH ONLY THE MOST TOPICAL LINSEED OIL, WORKING THEM INTO SMOOTH, BUTTERY VERMILLIONS, VERDIGRIS, AND NEW GAMBOGES, WHICH I THEN APPLY TO A GRISAILLE PREPARED ON A CANVAS OF FLAX, TOW, AND JUTE, SLOWLY WORKING UP THE SHADOW SHAPES AND MAJOR MASSES, THEN DELICATELY RENDERING THE INTERPLAY OF LIGHT AND FORM, BEFORE APPLYING THE FINE DAMMAR AND MASTIC VARNISH TO UNVEIL FOR YOU THE GLORIOUS REMBRANDT PORTRAIT OF THE DAY'S EVENTS THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES-- SOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES I'M SHAKEN AWAKE INSIDE THE DARKENED TRUNK OF A BULGARIAN MOBSTER'S VOLVO 940, I QUIETLY RELEASE THE SAFETY CATCH AND TUMBLE ONTO THE SIDE OF A DIRT ROAD, BREAKING BOTH CLAVICLES, WHICH I DO NOT FEEL BECAUSE OF ALL THE ANGEL DUST. I STAGGER INTO AN ABANDONED TANNERY WHERE I BEFRIEND AN OWL WHO TELLS ME TO I HAVE TO LET HIM SPEAK THROUGH ME OR HE'LL MURDER THE CLOUDS. AND IN HIS DIRECTION, I MIX THE FUN DIP I FOUND IN MY POCKET WITH THE FISTFULS OF HEXAVALENT CHROMIUM I SCOOP UP FROM THE DISUSED TANNING PITS, THEN HURL IT AT THE SIDE OF A NEARBY DEFUNCT DAIRY QUEEN IN A FUGUE STATE OF LASHING OUT AT LIGHT AND COLOR, TO UNLEASH FOR YOU THE ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONIST SPLATTER FRESCO OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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0:48.0 | 1:32.0 | FOLKS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF TIME DELICATELY WHITTLING A MELANGE OF THE DAY'S MOST PRESSING STORY TIMBERS, PRECISELY MEASURING THE NECKS, RIBS, AND BACKS OF THE NEWS, EMPLOYING ONLY THE MOST SOPHISTICATED AND TOPICAL PURFLING, THEN LAYING 15 EXQUISITE COATS OF INSIGHT ONTO THE ORNATE YET ROBUST STRADIVARIUS VIOLIN THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I GATHER UP FRAYED ELECTRICAL WIRE FROM A BURNT-OUT BOWLING ALLEY, TAPE IT TO A TERMITE-INFESTED 2-by-4, THEN SHOVE ONE END TO A DISCARDED CHUM BUCKET TO MAKE FOR YOU THE APPALACHIAN DRIFTER'S BANJO OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:13.0 | 1:58.0 | FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME GATHERING FOR YOU THE LATEST, MOST CUTTING-EDGE NEWS STORIES, CAREFULLY EXAMINING THE DAY'S CT SCAN, THEN ASSEMBLING AMERICA'S CRACK MEDICAL TEAM, AND MAKING PRECISE INCISIONS WITH THE AID OF A STRYKER 1588 LAPAROSCOPE IN THE GROUNDBREAKING SURGICAL ARTISTRY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, WHEN I NEED A LITTLE EXTRA CASH TO PAY OFF MY COCK-FIGHTING DEBTS, I SET UP A RUSTY COT UNDER A TARP IN WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK, WHERE I PLY CURIOUS PASSERSBY WITH BATHTUB COUGH SYRUP TO HELP DULL THE PAIN WHILE I USE GARDEN SHEARS TO CUT OUT ANYTHING THAT LOOKS SUPERFLUOUS IN THE AMATEUR APPENDECTOMY TENT OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT... MEANWHILE! |
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2:42.0 | 3:24.0 | FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME STANDING RIGHT OVER THERE, COMBING THROUGH HOURS UPON HOURS OF GAME TAPE ON THE MOST PROMISING HEADLINES, METICULOUSLY CRAFTING MY BIG BOARD TO RANK STORIES BASED ON THEIR RAW TALENT AND INTANGIBLES, AND CUT DEALS FOR THE MOST TOPICAL TRADES TO DRAFT THE ONCE-IN-A-GENERATION, HEISMAN-WINNING QUARTERBACK THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES I WAKE UP IN AN ICE BATH AFTER DOING RAILS OF GATORADE POWDER, REALIZE IT'S DRAFT DAY, AND I HAVE 15 SECONDS LEFT TO MAKE A CHOICE AND BLURT OUT THE FIRST NAME I SEE TO WASTE THE NUMBER ONE OVERALL PICK ON THE SCRAWNY, UNPOLISHED THIRD-STRING PUNTER OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT, "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:06.5 | 1:54.5 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME SOURCING FOR YOU THE DAY'S FINEST HANGZHOU SILK NEWS STORIES, MOUNTING THEM ON THE MOST TOPICAL, PREMIUM, POLYHEDRAL BAMBOO JOKE FRAME, DECORATING IT WITH ARTISANAL ASH INK, INSERTING A HAND-POURED BEESWAX CANDLE, FILLING IT WITH INTENTION AND THEN SENDING IT ALOFT ON THE UPDRAFT OF AUDIENCE LAUGHTER IN THE SPECTACULAR CHINESE LANTERN FESTIVAL THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I GO VISIT MY BUDDY, BARRACUDA AT THE ABANDONED MALL, DROP A COUPLE OF HUNDOS ON SOME WET ROMAN CANDLES, BENT SPARKLERS SMUGGLED IN FROM THE PHILIPPINES, AND A FLARE GUN STOLEN FROM A CRASHED COAST GUARD BOAT, SET IT ALL OFF IN THE DERANGED, UNREGULATED FIREWORKS ACCIDENT OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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0:52.8 | 1:50.8 | YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, COMBING THROUGH THE DAY'S BIGGEST NEWS, AND SELECTING FOR YOU THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL INDIAN ROSEWOOD, SPRUCE, AND MAHOGANY STORIES. I THEN HAND-SHAPE AND COMBINE THEM WITH AN ABALONE MULTI-STRIPE BACK INLAY, AND FORWARD-SHIFTED SCALLOPED BRACES, ANTIQUE WHITE BINDING, AND A HIGH-PERFORMANCE NECK WITH A HEXAGON FINGERBOARD, AND FINALLY LAY IN A TORTOISE-PATTERN PEARL PICK GUARD, AND A COMPENSATED BONE SADDLE, TO CRAFT FOR YOU THE EXQUISITE MARTIN D-45 DREADNOUGHT ACOUSTIC GUITAR THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I SNAP AWAKE IN A RUSTY COFFIN FREEZER BEHIND AN ABANDONED DAIRY QUEEN OUTSIDE OF GALVESTON. THEN I NAIL A 2-BY-4 TO A CEDAR URN I STOLE FROM A FUNERAL PARLOR, STRING ON SOME BRAKE CABLES I RIPPED OUT OF A COP CAR, THEN CUT EYE HOLES IN A GOODWILL BAG FOR A MASK, HIT A WHIPPET, AND TERRORIZE THE LOCALS ON THE TEXAS CHAINSAW BANJO OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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2:10.7 | 3:33.7 | I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, CULTIVATING FOR YOU THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, PLUCKING THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND TOPICAL NEWS VIOLETS AND MARIGOLDS, STRIPPING THE FRENCH LAVENDER FROM THE STEM AND LOVINGLY PRESSING THEM ALL BETWEEN THE PAGES OF A GILDED FIRST EDITION OF "PRIDE AND PREJUDICE." THEN I FOLD THEM INTO A DOUGH I HAND ROLLED FROM PASINI BAKERY FLOUR, BORDIER BUTTER, AND CHILLED SOMERDALE DEVON DOUBLE CREAM, SPRINKLE THEM WITH A PINCH OF MUSCOVADO SUGAR, AND BAKE THEM IN A "LA CORNUE GRAND PALAIS" RANGE TO PERFECTLY PREP THE GOURMET FLORAL SHORTBREAD COOKIE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, I AM NIBBLED AWAKE BY AN AMOROUS RACCOON IN THE ABANDONED WALK-IN FREEZER OF A HAUNTED BAKERY IN WHICH I HAVE ESTABLISHED SQUATTER'S RIGHTS, I SLIP INTO THE TWISTED KITCHENAID PADDLES I CALL SHOES, AND KNIFE FIGHT A POSSUM FOR AN EXPIRED BAG OF CRUSHED BREAKFAST CEREAL DUST AND A BROKEN EGG, WHICH I MIX WITH THREE SMUSHED RESTAURANT BUTTER PACKETS I STOLE FROM A NAPPING RETIREE'S PURSE, POUR THE REST OF A SHATTERED BOTTLE OF RUBBING ALCOHOL I FOUND IN THE DUMPSTER OUT BACK INTO A RUSTY BARREL TO IGNITE THE HOBO FIRE OVER WHICH I BAKE MY SLUDGE, THEN DISPLAY IT IN A FILTHY CHEF'S HAT TO SERVE YOU THE DERANGED RAT KING BISCUIT OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE"! |
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1:55.3 | 2:40.3 | FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE CAREFULLY PLANTING AND TENDING TO THE DAY'S BIGGEST, MOST IMPORTANT STORIES, TRIMMING THE TOPICAL HEDGES WITH DELICATE EXACTITUDE, RESEARCHING AND SEEDING THE SOIL OF TODAY'S NEWS IN ORDER TO YIELD THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, FRAGRANT JOKE FLOWERS, AND PRECISELY TIMING THE BLOOM IN THE EXQUISITE ENGLISH GARDEN THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I DRIVE A 2003 PONTIAC SUNFIRE THROUGH A HOME DEPOT GARDEN CENTER, DOWN A JUG OF MIRACLE GRO, SMEAR MY BODY IN MUD AND PEA GRAVEL, BUILD A FORT OUT OF PAVERS, PLOP A SUCCULENT DISH GARDEN ON MY HEAD, AND BARRICADE MYSELF INSIDE A PORTABLE TOOL SHED TO CREATE THE PARANOID BACKYARD STANDOFF OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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0:52.5 | 1:37.5 | FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, SORTING THROUGH THE DAY'S TOP STORIES, CAREFULLY SELECTING FOR YOU THE FRESHEST, MOST TOPICAL NEWS-FRUIT, ARTFULLY CARVING IT INTO SATIRICAL SHAPES, DIPPING IT IN THE FINEST ARTISANAL CHOCOLATE, AND GENTLY PLACING THEM INTO THE FLAWLESSLY COMPOSED AND DELICIOUS EDIBLE ARRANGEMENT THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I WAKE UP FACE DOWN IN THE RECYCLING BIN BEHIND A JAMBA JUICE, FIGHT A SEAGULL FOR THE DISCARDED CANTALOUPE RINDS AND PINEAPPLE STEMS, DIP THEM INTO A BUCKET OF DIESEL SIPHONED OFF FROM A SEMI FULL OF UNWASHED BIRD BONES, WHICH I USE TO SKEWER TOGETHER MY GARBAGE KEBABS, THEN STAB THEM ONTO A WATERLOGGED TEDDY BEAR TO CREATE THE CRIMINALLY INSANE NIGHTMARE GIFT BASKET OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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2:52.0 | 3:34.0 | YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, PULLING TOGETHER THE FINEST, NEWSIEST LIMESTONE, CHISELING IN THE MOST DELICATE AND TOPICAL OF BAS-RELIEF, AND THE MOST ORNATE ARCHES, MAKING SURE THERE'S NARY A BAD SEAT IN THE HOUSE, THEN ASSEMBLING THE MOST FEARSOME NEWS WARRIORS THE ARENA HAS EVER SEEN TO CONSTRUCT FOR YOU THE ROMAN COLOSSEUM THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES FOLKS, I WAKE UP MY NEIGHBOR AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING, DRAG HIM INTO MY SHED, WHERE I'VE SET UP A KIDDIE POOL I BOUGHT 20 YEARS AGO AND FILLED WITH EXPIRED JELL-O AND LUKEWARM BEER, HUFF SOME ACETONE OUT OF A PRICE CHOPPER BAG, THEN CHALLENGE HIM TO JOIN ME IN THE OLD MAN WRESTLING LEAGUE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:44.0 | 2:30.0 | FRIENDS, EVERY NIGHT I STAND RIGHT OVER THERE, AND I CAREFULLY WORK ON THE LIGHTING AND STAGING OF THE DAY'S MOST TOPICAL NEWS STORIES, COMPOSING GROUNDBREAKING ORCHESTRAL ARRANGEMENTS TO SUPPORT THEM, AND THEN METICULOUSLY CHOREOGRAPHING THEM AND MYSELF INTO A DELICATE, HEARTBREAKING, AND YET UPLIFTING PAS DE DEUX, TO PRESENT FOR YOU THE EPOCH-DEFINING BALLET THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I FISH A STAINED VELOUR JUMPSUIT OUT OF A CANAL, HOOK A RADIO I RIPPED OUT OF A GARBAGE TRUCK TO AN ABANDONED CAR BATTERY, AND SLAP THE DIAL THROUGH FUZZ TILL IT LANDS ON A RANDOM A.M. OLDIES STATION, AND THEN SHAKE MY ASS FOR NICKELS IN THE DEMENTED VAGRANT MACARENA OF NEWS OF THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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1:00.0 | 1:48.0 | FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, COMPILING THE MOST CURRENT GEOMETRY QUESTIONS, SPRINKLING IN A TOPICAL SET OF DATA ANALYSES, FOLDING THEM TOGETHER ALONG THE NEWSWORTHIEST WORD PROBLEMS, THEN PAIRING ALL OF THAT WITH THE DAY'S MOST PRESSING READING PASSAGES TO COLLATE FOR YOU THE PERFECTLY CALIBRATED, BESPOKE S.A.T. TEST THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, I HUFF A PILE OF SALVIA AND STAGGER INTO A LANDFILL WHERE I FORAGE FOR CRUSTY OLD SUDOKUS, GRAB A SACKFUL OF USED AND WET MADLIBS, AND CRAZY-GLUE THEM INTO THE SPINE OF A DISCARDED "READER'S DIGEST" I FOUND IN A BURNT-OUT WALDENBOOKS, TO PRESENT TO YOU THE ILLEGIBLE HOBO BUZZFEED QUIZ OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:53.2 | 2:33.2 | FOLKS, I SPENT A LOT OF TIME STANDING RIGHT OVER THERE, OKAY, SETTING UP MY NEWS EASEL, LAYING OUT THE MOST TOPICAL BRUSH STROKES, CHOOSING THE MOST RELEVANT COLORS, ALL TO FAITHFULLY CAPTURE FOR YOU, THE SOUL OF THE STORIES OF THE DAY IN THE OIL-ON-CANVAS MASTERPIECE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES -- JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS -- I SET A LIQUOR STORE ON FIRE AND COME BACK THE NEXT DAY TO SCRAPE SOME CHARCOAL OFF THE BURNT TIMBERS, USE THE CARDBOARD FROM THE DISCARDED REFRIGERATOR BOX I'VE BEEN CALLING HOME FOR THE WEEKEND, THEN HARASS TOURISTS TO ETCH THE OFFENSIVE BOARDWALK CARICATURE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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2:02.7 | 2:52.7 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, COMBING THROUGH THE DAY'S BIG STORIES, SELECTING THE FINEST NEWS TENORS AND THE SILKIEST SOPRANOS. THEN, I BRUSH UP ON THE WORKS OF CERVANTES AND FIND THE PERFECT SWEET SPOT BETWEEN DRAMA, HUMOR, AND OPERA TO COMPOSE FOR YOU THE TIMELESS AND SEDUCTIVE SPANISH ZARZUELA THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I WAKE UP IN THE FREEZER OF A COMBINATION TACO BELL PIZZA HUT ON THE EXPRESSWAY, AND I CUT A PAIR OF LEG HOLES INTO A POTATO SACK AND RACE BAREFOOT INTO THE CITY TO BREAK INTO AN ABANDONED DOLLAR STORE, WHERE I FASHION A PAIR OF CASTANETS FROM DEFECTIVE CHATTERING TEETH TOYS. THEN I DOWN A JERRY CAN FULL OF RED BULL AND COUGH MEDICINE BEFORE STAGGERING INTO A PUBLIC PARK TO DISTURB TOURISTS WITH THE DRIFTER'S FLAMENCO SHOWCASE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:36.5 | 3:21.5 | LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, METICULOUSLY SIFTING THROUGH THE DAILY NEWS DESERT, HARVESTING THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL MINERAL SANDS-- ABOUT 65% SILICA, 10% FLUX OF SODIUM OXIDE, AND A STABILIZER OF CALCIUM OXIDE-- WHICH I THEN SMELT IN A HIGH-TEMPERATURE CALCERA FURNACE AT 1,200 TO 1,400 DEGREES CELSIUS, FUSING THEM INTO LIQUID GLASS, THEN CAREFULLY DROPPING MY FURNACE TEMPERATURE SO I CAN FOLD IN HAND-SELECTED CULLET AND COBALT TO OBTAIN MY INTENDED COLOR AND CREATE THE MOST PRISMATIC NEWS CRYSTALS, WHICH I THEN DELICATELY HANG ON A HAND-CRAFTED BALUSTER OF HEADLINES, ARRANGING THEM TO CATCH AND REFRACT, IN A GENTLE DANCE OF LIGHTS AND SHADOWS, THE MOST TOPICAL REFLECTIONS OF THE DAY, ADORNING THE ARRANGEMENT WITH ONE FINAL FINIAL OF QUIPS TO PRESENT TO YOU THE VENETIAN MURANO GLASS CHANDELIER THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES FOLKS, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES, I JOLT AWAKE NAKED IN THE BACK BOOTH OF A LONG-ABANDONED COUNTY FAIR, I PULL ON SOME OVERALLS I STOLE OFF A SCARECROW, AND CLAW THROUGH THE GROUNDS SCRAPING THE LEAVINGS OFF SOME DISUSED SPARKLERS, PICK THROUGH BROKEN COKE BOTTLES AND BIRTHDAY CANDLES, BOIL OFF THE REMNANTS IN A DISCARDED TUB OF LAUNDRY DETERGENT TO EXTRACT THE BENZENE. THEN, USING THE SHOELACES I TOOK OFF A HOBO SLEEPING UNDER THE FERRIS WHEEL AND DENTAL FLOSS CURRENTLY IN USE BY SAID HOBO, I BIND THE CONGLOMERATE OF SHARDS AND ACCELERANT TOGETHER AND HOLD IT NEAR THE SPUTTERING SPARK PLUG OF AN OLD ICE CREAM TRUCK TO IGNITE THE CHAOTIC CANDELABRA OF FLAMING NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE"! |
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2:03.0 | 2:55.0 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, PORING OVER THE DAY'S NEWSIEST, MOST TOPICAL NAUTICAL RECORDS TO DETERMINE THE ROUGH POSITIONS OF THE DAY'S TRENDING SHIPWRECKS. THEN I USE THE LATEST SONAR TECH TO LOCATE AND FIND THE ORIENTATION OF THE FINEST SALVAGE SITE. THEN MY TEAM OF CERTIFIED AND LICENSED COMEDY DIVERS DESCEND TO THE OCEAN FLOOR AND USE CUTTING EDGE UNDERWATER CAMERAS TO STITCH TOGETHER THE DETAILED 3D-MODELED HISTORIC ATOSHA SHIPWRECK SITE OF SATIRICAL OBSERVATIONS THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I WAKE UP NAKED BY THE DOCKS COVERED IN PIRATE TATTOOS, BLAST A STRING OF WHIPPETS, THEN STAGGER INTO THE FESTERING HUDSON RIVER, WHERE I SLOWLY SINK THROUGH THE MURK UNTIL I IMPALE MYSELF ON THE RUSTY AXLE OF A SUNKEN TAXI IN THE TETANUS-LACED CRIME SCENE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT... "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:09.0 | 2:43.0 | WELL FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME, ON THE SHOW, RIGHT OVER THERE, WANDERING THROUGH THE FARMERS' MARKET THAT IS TODAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, SQUEEZING THE FINEST NEWS RADISHES, THE RIPEST STORY PEPPERS, SNIFFING THE MOST TOPICAL DATES, WHICH I THEN PAIR WITH FRA'MANI SOPPRESSATA, AND THE MOST SUCCULENT HANDRAISED PATA NEGRA JAMON IBERICO, BACKED UP BY GENEROUS HELPINGS OF BEEMSTER GOUDA, AND A WEDGE OF BRILLAT-SAVARIN TRIPLE CREAM BRIE, THEN I ADD FORTNUM AND MASON APRICOT AND FIG SPREADS WITH GRISSINI BREADSTICKS AND LA PANZANELLA CROCCANTINI, AND FINALLY LIBERAL SPRINKLINGS OF SAN SABA ELLIOT PECANS AND SICILIAN CASTEL-VETRANO OLIVES ON A RAW CARRARA MARBLE SLAB TO LAY OUT FOR YOU THE SPECTACULAR GOURMET CHARCUTERIE BOARD THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES FOLKS, SOMETIMES, I AM HOSED AWAKE INSIDE AN EMPTY 6,000 GALLON DIESEL TANKER OFF OF I-24, WHERE I AM HIDING FROM A CULT THAT I STARTED, THEN DASH, NAKED BEHIND A RECENTLY DEFUNCT QUIZNOS, WHERE I MUST WRESTLE A POSSUM FOR THE REMAINS OF A BAJA CHICKEN FOOTLONG, STAGGER INTO A MIDDLE SCHOOL REC. YARD AFTER FIGHTING A SEAGULL FOR THE LAST HAM CUBE IN A LUNCHABLES TRAY, PUNCH A RACCOON TO STEAL HIS PEANUT, THEN DUMP IT ALL INTO A HUBCAP I STRIPPED OFF AN ABANDONED '76 CHEVY VEGA TO OFFER FOR YOU THE RAIL YARD BUFFET OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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2:48.0 | 4:31.0 | YOU KNOW FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, ISOLATING THE BIGGEST, NEWSIEST STORIES OF THE DAY AND CONTAINING THEM IN THE MOST TOPICAL CIRCULAR TUNNEL, WITH A CIRCUMFERENCE OF 26.7 KILOMETERS, AND A DEPTH RANGING FROM 50 TO 175 METERS. THEN, I ADD TWO ADJACENT PARALLEL BEAM-LINES, WHICH TRAVEL IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS AROUND THE RING, INTERSECTING AT FOUR POINTS. I ADD 1,232 DIPOLE MAGNETS TO KEEP THE BEAMS IN THEIR CIRCULAR PATH, WHILE AN ADDITIONAL 392 QUADRUPOLE MAGNETS ARE USED TO KEEP THE BEAMS FOCUSED, THEN I ADD STRONGER QUADRUPOLE MAGNETS CLOSE TO THE INTERSECTION POINTS IN ORDER TO MAXIMIZE THE CHANCES OF INTERACTION BETWEEN THE TWO BEAMS CROSS, ALL SO I CAN SMASH JOKE PROTONS AGAINST EACH OTHER AT NEAR THE SPEED OF LIGHT TO GENERATE THE HIGGS BOSON HEAVY COMEDY PARTICLES THAT MAKE UP MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I WAKE UP IN AN ABANDONED JUNKYARD, STRAPPED TO THE CHASSIS OF WHAT USED TO BE A SCHOOL BUS. I GNAW MYSELF FREE OF MY RESTRAINTS AND CLIMB ATOP A HILL OF CRUSHED MAZDA MIATAS TO UTTER A CALL THAT CAN BE HEARD ONLY BY THOSE IN THE MIDST OF A LIFE-CHANGING PEYOTE TRIP. WITH MY FREAKS GATHERED AROUND ME, HOTWIRE AS MANY BURNT-OUT '91 BUICK LESABRES AS WE CAN FIND TO ANIMATE A FLEET OF FURY-ROAD-WORTHY LEMONS, THEN ROLL THEM TO THE ABANDONED SUBWAY STATION BELOW CITY HALL, WHERE I LAUNCH THEM HEAD ON AT TOP SPEED IN THE UNREGULATED HOTWHEELS COLOSSAL CRASH TRACK OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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1:00.0 | 1:54.0 | FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, WITH MY EARS, MY MIND, AND MY HEART OPEN TO THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, AUDITIONING AND SELECTING ONLY THE MOST TOPICAL NEWS-OBOES, THE MOST RELEVANT AND LILTING VIOLAS, ROUNDING IT OUT WITH SOME NOBLE FRENCH HORNS, AND INSOUCIANT BASSOONS, THEN COMPOSING AND ARRANGING THE NEWSIEST, MOST UPLIFTING YET BITTERSWEET RONDOS, ALLEGROS, SCHERZOS, AND SONATAS TO PRESENT TO YOU THE TIMELESSLY MOVING YET INFORMATIVE POST-MODERN OPUS NUMBER ONE SYMPHONY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES FOLKS, I WAKE UP AT THE WHEEL OF A STOLEN CEMENT TRUCK, SNORT ANOTHER RAIL OF KETAMINE AND BATH SALTS, THEN I STRIP DOWN AND SCAMPER THROUGH A CEMETERY TRAPPING RATS UNDER RUSTY COFFEE CANS. AFTER AN IMPASSIONED SPEECH TO THEM ABOUT THEIR NEED TO HELP ME SAVE AN OLD THEATER, THEY ACCOMPANY ME ON A RAID TO A PRESCHOOL MUSIC ROOM TO STEAL ITS FLUTES, RECORDERS, AND KAZOOS, WHERE I CONDUCT THE FUGITIVE VERMIN PHILHARMONIC OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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1:59.0 | 3:07.0 | FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND MUCH OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, PLANTING AND GROWING THE DAY'S BIGGEST NEWS IN A PARCELED TERROIR AT PRECISELY 80 METERS, ON A NORTH-FACING SLOPE, WITH JUST THE RIGHT MICROCLIMATE, THEN HAND-PICKING ONLY THE RIPEST, MOST TOPICAL BOTRYTIS-PRUNED STORY GRAPES. AFTER THREE PRESSINGS, I THEN CAREFULLY BARREL-AGE THEIR NOBLE-ROTTED NECTAR FOR 30 MONTHS EXCLUSIVELY IN NEW OAK BARRELS TO BRING OUT THE AROMAS OF TROPICAL FRUITS, HONEYED PEARS, AND ROASTED NUTS IN THE CHATEAU D'YQUEM SAUTERNES THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I WAKE UP IN A BULGARIAN PRISON, CONVICTED OF WHAT MY NON-ENGLISH SPEAKING, COURT-APPOINTED LAWYER ONLY CALLS "ANIMAL WRONGS." I TRADE THE CIGARETTES I WON IN A BARE-KNUCKLE MATCH WITH A GUARD FOR SOME FIG MARMALADE, APPLE CORES, AND DISCARDED KETCHUP PACKETS, TOSS IT ALL IN THE PLASTIC BAG I STOLE OFF A CELLMATE DRAGOMIR'S FOOT WHILE HE SLEPT, LEAVE IT UNDER A FERMENTING PIPE OVERNIGHT, TO SERVE UP THE SOUR-MASHED GOON PLONK OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:46.5 | 2:32.5 | AND, YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON THIS SHOW, RIGHT OVER THERE, CAREFULLY HARVESTING THE HIGHEST-QUALITY ORGANIC ACAI NEWS BERRIES, PUTTING THEM INTO MY CURRENT EVENTS BLENDER, THEN PULSING ON HIGH UNTIL THEY'VE BECOME THE SMOOTH PURPLE PUREE OF STORIES TO BE PILED WITH GRANOLA, CHIA SEEDS, AND SLICED JOKE BANANA, TO MAKE THE HIGH-PRICED, ARTISANAL SMOOTHIE BOWL OF NEWS THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I LIKE TO SCROUNGE TOGETHER SOME EXPIRED KALE FROM THE BACK OF THE FRIDGE, MIX IT WITH THE FERMENTING ORANGE SLICES LEFT IN THE BACK SEAT AFTER LAST WEEK'S LITTLE LEAGUE GAME, AND AN APPLE CORE I FOUND INSIDE A COFFEE CUP, THEN PULVERIZE IT ALL IN A LEAKY NUTRI-BULLET TO MAKE THE PRISON TOILET GREEN JUICE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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0:43.5 | 1:36.5 | FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, COMBING THROUGH THE DAY'S NEWS, CAREFULLY SELECTING THE MOST TOPICAL, FRAGRANT HERBS AND JOKE-RICH ALLIUM, DELICATELY STIRRING THEM INTO A SATIRICAL STOCK, BRINGING THE CONCOCTION TO A BREAKING NEWS BOIL BEFORE PAINSTAKINGLY EDITING AWAY THE SCRAPS, LEAVING ONLY THE PUREST, NUTRIENT-RICH CONSOMME OF COMEDY THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I SWEAT MYSELF AWAKE INSIDE A DEFLATED BOUNCY CASTLE AT A DEFUNCT AMUSEMENT PARK, BREAK INTO A COMBINATION GAS STATION PIZZA HUT WHERE I THROW TOGETHER WHATEVER OLD HOT DOGS AND REPURPOSED CHEESE PRODUCT I CAN GET MY CHAPPED AND CRACKING HANDS ON. AND THERE, BY THE CRUEL LIGHT OF A PIZZA WARMING DRAWER, I DROWN THE MIXTURE IN A CAN OF DISCONTINUED SURGE FROM 2002 BEFORE STRAINING IT THROUGH THE GREASE-SOILED BEARD NET TO CREATE THE FESTERING MOP BUCKET SOUR MASH OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
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1:50.0 | 2:39.0 | FOLKS, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, CAREFULLY WELDING TOGETHER THE DAY'S TOP STORIES, FORGED FROM THE FINEST NEWS METALS, WIRING IN THE MOST EFFICIENT, HIGH- SPEED ENGINE. THEN I COMBINE THE MOST TOPICAL TITANIUM ACCENTS WITH ITALIAN CURRENT-EVENTS CRAFTSMANSHIP TO CREATE THE BESPOKE TRIUMPH MOTORCYCLE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, AFTER STANDING TOO LONG OVER AN EPHEDRINE BARREL FIRE, I STUMBLE INTO A DEFUNCT BODY SHOP, SLAP A HALF-EMPTY CANISTER OF PROPANE ONTO A STOLEN HUFFY, WRAP IT IN NEWSPAPER AND BITS OF CAUTION TAPE THAT I SWIPED FROM A STILL-ACTIVE CRIME SCENE, AND HOOK IT UP TO AN OLD MILK JUG FULL OF NITROUS I STOLE FROM A BLACK MARKET ORTHODONTIST, IN ORDER TO MAKE THE FLAMING DEATH ROCKET OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:21.5 | 2:18.5 | FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, COMBING THROUGH THE DAY'S NEWS AND CAREFULLY SELECTING THE MOST PRISTINE OPALESCENT GLASS STORIES, ORNATELY FUSING THE PIECES USING ONLY THE MOST TOPICAL COPPER WIRE AND LEAD CASING BEFORE COLORING THEM WITH THE MOST PIGMENT-RICH JOKES AVAILABLE TO CONSTRUCT FOR YOU AND YOU ALONE THE ELEGANT STAINED-GLASS TIFFANY DOME THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I JOLT AWAKE BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A '79 BUICK REGAL LOWRIDER WHILE DOING DONUTS IN THE PARKING LOT OF A BOARDED UP JOANNE FABRICS, WHEN I CLIP A BARREL FIRE AND I'M THROWN FROM THE CAR INTO THE DUMPSTERS. THERE, I RUMMAGE THROUGH THE BITS OF BROKEN FANTA BOTTLES, AND GLUE THEM TOGETHER WITH STILL-WARM CHEWING GUM, AND STAIN THEM WITH WHATEVER REMNANTS I CAN SCRAPE FROM OLD KETCHUP AND FUN-DIP PACKETS. THEN I DOUSE MY PANTS IN KEROSENE AND LET HER BLAZE TO PROJECT THE DEMENTED NIGHTMARE KALEIDOSCOPE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE |
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0:53.0 | 1:47.0 | FOLKS, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, WORKING THE OLD MIRTH KILN, MELTING DOWN THE DAY'S MOST IMPORTANT GOLDEN STORY INGOTS TO MAKE AN ORNATE SET OF CUSTOM NEWS VAMBRACES. THEN CARVE A MOULDED CUIRASS INTO THE MOST TOPICAL ANIMAL-THEMED CHEST PLATE THAT I DECORATE WITH FINE FILIGREE AND ORNATE PRE-COLUMBIAN PATTERNS TO CREATE THE BESPOKE SET OF GOLD MUISCA ARMOR THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I WAKE UP IN THE BASEMENT OF A DERELICT ROW HOUSE DURING A FULL MOON, RIFLE THROUGH A DISCARDED BOX OF ELBOW PASTA AND STRING SOME NOODLES TOGETHER INTO CRUDE SHIN GUARDS WITH COPPER WIRE I STRIPPED OUT OF THE FUNERAL HOME I ROBBED EARLIER. THEN, I FASHION A HAT BY STAPLING OLD NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS TO A BIKE HELMET AND WRAP MYSELF IN A TARP I SWIPED FROM THE RETIREMENT HOME'S HOT TUB TO FROLIC BEFORE YOU IN THE MADMAN'S HAZMAT SUIT OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:34.3 | 2:34.3 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, AND I HOPE YOU DO... THEN YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, CAREFULLY UNWRAPPING THE DAY'S NEWS, PLACING THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL ORNAMENTS UPON THE HAND-CUT DOUGLAS FIR OF THE DAY'S TOP STORIES, SPRINKLING BIODEGRADABLE TINSEL ON THE BOUGHS WITH PRECISION AND DECADES OF TRAINING THAT COMES ACROSS AS EFFORTLESS, CHECKING EACH JOKE BULB FOR THE OPTIMAL TWINKLE, AND FINALLY TOPPING IT OFF WITH A FAMILY HEIRLOOM STAR TO CREATE THE MAGICAL CHRISTMAS MEMORY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, I BREAK INTO A HOME DEPOT, HUFF A BOTTLE OF GOO GONE, STEAL A PALLET OF TWO BY FOURS, A PILE OF RUSTY NAILS, A BUCKET OF DISCONTINUED FAUCET PARTS, SLAP THEM TOGETHER WITH A RECEIPT PAPER AND INDUSTRIAL ADHESIVE, PUT IT OUTSIDE THE LIVING ROOM WINDOW OF THE RETIREMENT HOME I WAS KICKED OUT OF FOR A VERY GOOD REASON, AND THROW IN A COUPLE OF MANNEQUINS STOLEN FROM A BURNED OUT FOREVER 21 TO CREATE THE HELLSCAPE CRECHE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE"! |
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1:31.6 | 2:10.6 | YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME ON THE SHOW RIGHT OVER THERE PRECISELY MEASURING THE NEWS' INSEAM, SELECTING THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL IMPORTED MERINO STORY WOOL, THEN HAND-STITCHING IT WITH JOKES TO CREATE FOR YOU THE BESPOKE, DOUBLE-BREASTED SAVILE ROW CURRENT EVENT SUIT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO GATHER UP SOME USED BURLAP FROM BEHIND THE MEAT-PACKING PLANT, DRAPE IT OVER AN ABANDONED MANNEQUIN AT OLD MAN JENKINS' BURNED-DOWN DRESS FACTORY, AND SEW IT TOGETHER WITH SHOESTRINGS AND A STAPLE GUN, TO CREATE FOR YOU THE HAUNTED POTATO-SACK SCARECROW OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" |
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1:16.5 | 2:04.5 | FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, SELECTING THE FINEST GRAINS OF NEWS, HAND SIFTING THROUGH BARRELS OF STEELCUT JOKE OATS, SELECTING THE RIPEST SEASONAL STORY BERRIES, AND HOME-FERMENTING MACROBIOTIC ALMOND MILK INTO THE UPSCALE ORGANIC YOGURT TO LOVINGLY FOLD TOGETHER THE BUZZWORTHY BREAKFAST PARFAIT THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I SWEAT MYSELF AWAKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, CREEP OUT TO AN ABANDONED SCHOOLYARD, SCRAPE A BUNCH OF SPILLED CHEERIOS AND DISCARDED GOGURT WRAPPERS INTO A BIG GULP TRAVEL MUG I WON IN THE GREAT TRUCKER-DRIFTER WARS OF 2019, ADD SOME FERMENTED CRABAPPLES FROM BEHIND THE SWING SET, AND CHUG BACK THE FETID PRISON PORRIDGE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE! |
Dataset Card for "meanwhile"
This dataset consists of 64 segments from The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. This dataset was published as part of the Whisper release by OpenAI. See page 19 of the Whisper paper for details.
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