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David-Shitts-Creek

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That is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard.

I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here.

It's my birthday.

Funky is a neon T-shirt you buy at an airport gift shop next to a bejeweled iPhone case. This is luxury.

It’s just one long string of really bad luck, and I don’t know what kind of carnage I inflicted in my past life to deserve it. I must have been Dracula or a spin instructor or something.

You look like the downfall of society.

There's a collection of undershirts hang-drying outside of my room. Is there any way they could be removed? Or is there like, a Texas Chainsaw movie being filmed out there that I'm not aware of?

Like Beyoncé, I excel as a solo artist.

I am suffering romantically right now.

The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you…a lot.

I saw a lot of my body, and I didn't like it.

That’s a real quick no.

Mmm. Eat glass!

I am a delightful half-half situation.

I would hardly call myself an expert on this subject, and by subject, I mean genuine human emotion, so I am just going to tell you what I know.

Would we call that pretentious, or timeless?

I'm very uninterested in that opinion.

I have never heard someone say so many wrong things, one after the other, consecutively, in a row.

No, I will not accept that.

I was perfectly fine not trusting people. Not trusting people is what I’m used to. It is my comfort zone.

I thought I was shame eating in private.

I don't love the way you phrased that.

I want people to know I am not a joke.

One pizza? What is this? Les Mis?

OK, well, movies aren’t always right, all right? You’ll learn that later in life.

I haven’t bedazzled anything since I was 22.

Ok, this is passive harassment.

Come in, come in. Make yourself at home. There’s nothing in the fridge, and I marked the booze, so I’ll know if you touch it!

You smell very flammable right now.

Would we not agree that all words are weapons?

You just watch a season of Girls and do the opposite of what they do.

I thought I was being mature, but in actuality, it was just a classic case of self-sabotage."

It smells like pennies and burps.

What kind of sociopath abandons her family in some vomit-soaked dump to galavant around the world with her dumb, shipping-heir, loser boyfriend she's known for three months?

Join the club.

I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit, and falling asleep early.

Would half a muffin help?

I could not be more at one with nature. I do Coachella every year.

This was just a big waste of time and frown lines.

This is a lot of information to process on a Tuesday morning.

I am good. Thanks, though.

Fall of a bridge, please.

Wow, that's bleak. But thank you...for planning that.

You lost me at fun group games.

I never saw myself living with someone.

Every inch of that statement made me sick.

Yeah, I just feel like the whole session was rushed. Like, there was no backlighting or emotional direction.

You are gonna laugh yourself right out of the closet on this one.

OK, I’m sorry I’m not a condom.

I like the wine, and not the label.

We are literally connected by a door that does not lock. How much more connected do you want to be?

I am not in a place right now to be emotionally available.

I don’t want this job.

As stupid as this is, now I am invested.

Poor thing is a hot mess.

I ran out of eye creams.

I love making connections.

Shame on you for attempting that position at 8 o' clock in the morning.

OK. There is only so much that I can do in a day.

Wow, believe it or not, that's one of the warmest welcomes I have received so far.

We have way too much work to do today for me to feel attacked by way of an imbalanced social dynamic.

I’m sorry, but I know what looks correct. And this situation looks incorrect!

She sort of fades into the background after a while. You know, like a smoke alarm.

I have asked you thrice now for a towel so I may wash this town off my body.

I am gonna need a stiff drink to get through this.

Don't be a little B!

It’s a general store, but it’s also a very specific store.

I’m not going to the botanical gardens by myself. What, am I gonna walk around and admire the cherry blossoms alone, like some pervert?

We can talk about this anytime you’d like. Preferably not before 10 a.m., because I’m not really a morning person.

I’ve been burned so many times. I’m like the human equivalent of the inside of a roasted marshmallow.

Let’s not ruin a meal by talking about the process.

This is a teachable moment for all of us.

I am remorseful over an action I participated in.

Your body, your problem.

Being Approachable Isn’t That Important Anyway.

I’m Very Uninterested in That Opinion.

I Thought I Was Being Mature, but in Actuality, It Was Just a Classic Case of Self-Sabotage.