How does an accountant stay out of debt?
He learns to act his wage.
Did you hear about the blonde Management Accountant?
She went to see her fitness trainer to talk about stretch targets.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
Why do economists exist?
So accountants have someone to laugh at.
There are just two rules for creating a successful accountancy business:
1. Don't tell them everything you know. 2. [Redacted]
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait – 13 seconds, no wait – 14 seconds, no wait……
Why was the accountant so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 59 weeks?
Because on the box it said 8-12 Years.
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What does an accountant say when boarding a train?
'Mind the GAAP'.
It's 4:04. Do you know where your auditor is?
What is the definition of "accountant"?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
How do you know when an accountant is on holiday?
He doesn't wear a tie and comes in after 8am!
What's grey and not there?
An accountant on vacation.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
Why did the cannibal accountant get disciplined?
For buttering up her clients.
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.
What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
What's an accountant's favourite book? 50 Shades of Grey.
A woman went to the doctor who told her she only had 6 months to live.
"Oh my gosh!" said the woman. "What shall I do?"
"Marry an accountant," suggested the doctor.
"Why?" asked the woman. "Will that make me live longer?"
"No," replied the doctor. "But it will SEEM longer."