Not delivered(!)
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Programming perception vs reality
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Was gonna laugh but then I saw the bottom panel…
Wife bad
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They're already in the room
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Found on FB
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How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
My Roomba accidentally wandered outside my house, and all the animals started viciously attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
There another language more confusing than Javascript
https://ift.tt/2tb1yQf
Of course it's r/dankmemes
I was in the library one day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "It's 2018, dude, use whatever printer you want."
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
DAY 2,343 I AM STILL NOT TIRED OF THIS PICTURE
Why can't you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
What do you call it when during wartime distribution of female toys is limited? Vibe rations.
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?. The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh… No, I didn't know that.' 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children? The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea. And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
Wtf is this
Make Great Britain Great Again
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A gorgeous nymphomaniac boarded a plane…
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States …" He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar." In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?" "No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
Bonus points for the fucking 9gag watermark
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith
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My favorite basketball player?
I know it's an old format but…
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Linked lists ftw
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But the Bible says.
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I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Woof to the person who asked for the book.
My favorite time of day is 6:30; hands down
No text found
So u n c o m f o r t a b l e
Day Job
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year
I killed a chicken last week
Now I Think I'm getting haunted by a poultrygeist
"F" for a good joke taken too soon
I think this belongs here
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What's the most fucked up thing you've done for money?
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Tf is this name?
2 Girls, 1 Cup isn't for everyone.
But some people eat that shit up.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
Always taking the low road Repugs …
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Found in the local newspaper. Merry Christmas!
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Dad does dementia run in the family?
"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)
CAN WE FUCKING STOP IT WITH THE SKYRIM MEMES FFS
How do you make chocolate milk?
By shredding brown crayon and putting it in a blender with milk!
What will Quentin Tarantino be called if he gets detected with COVID-19?
Quarantino.
Bridge Rectifier Gang where you at
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Slow down there, Satan
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Hunters good gatherer bad
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My wife asked me if "I was listening to her?!"
Strange way to start a conversation….
NEEDS MORE RED CIRCLES
My neighbor. She's single. She's shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.
I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door. I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?" I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!" "Great" she said. "Can you watch my dog?"
I have a request
OOF 100 😂👌
Quick, someone call 911!
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Haha women useless! (I translated for you :) )
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Thank you for job security, excel
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A logical map of conspiracy theories
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Researchers are being nosy about this
Nobody asked
What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
They're, there, their.
Kidnapped by mimes.
I started my new job at the local hospital helping to move patients around the hospital
It's not much, but it's a rewarding job
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Slowest of the slow
If the entire world being stopped by an invisible virus isn't too bizarre to accept…Nah, this still won't ever happen.
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I thought we were done with JonTron reactions
Hitler built a boat in pixelated blocks and named it
Mein Kraft
The true value of PHP
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Meanwhile, in Scotland…
My fave
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
Reddit good, facebook bad!
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me…£380." "I refuse to pay," I told him. "You have to," he insisted. "Well then, you'll have to fight me for it." So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten. He said, "£380. Cough it up." "No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
One of the best gift ever for me!
https://ift.tt/2Ic8WPk
The OP's title and image say it all
A German Shepherd, Doberman, and a cat die and go to heaven.
God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master". God says " this is good, you can sit here at my right hand." Next God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left." Finally God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies "I believe you are in my seat".
English 7 year old made a KILLER French pun.
makes you think
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TV bad. Foot knife?
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We have a new national pastime…
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I relabeled all the jars in my mom's spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
Haha gen z dum
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Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
"Yes, we arson."
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
Urge to kill: rising…riiissiinngg…
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Somethings off here…. can't put my finger on it🤔
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A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
"Pop", goes the weasel.
Responding to Trump's latest Twitirade
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Day 5(?) of wfh. My co-worker insists on 'reviewing' my code but also brought along an external consultant called Dilophosaurus that only speaks in roars. They keep making additions to the code that end up giving loads of compile errors, but then blame it all on me. Not productive at all.
https://ift.tt/33x5hp5
What do you get when you cross Father's Day and Cake day?
Extra Karma… I hope.
Just why would add that?
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Big Brain
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Brutally and Efficiently Executed on the Spot.
*tired hopeless noises*
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