Death's Doorbell by Paladeus
Books » Harry Potter Rated: T, English, Humor & Romance, Harry P., Hermione G., Luna L., N. Tonks, Words: 11k+, Favs: 1k+, Follows: 300, Published: 12/23/2010
Story: Death's Doorbell
Chapter: One-shot
Ships: Harry/Hermione/Luna/Tonks(sorta), Moody/Blow-up doll, Sirius/Remus(Joke only)
Characters: Harry/Hermione/Luna/Tonks, Voldemort, Others are cameo appearances
Rating: T (minor nudity, nothing graphic, sexual overtones, innuendo)
Tags: Crack-fic, Profile Bunny (Caused due to reading a person's profile), Use of the word "wank", Gimp!Severus
Warnings: Crude Humor, Sexual innuendo, Lots of kissing, Crazy old lady, Stereotypes, Death Eater Death
Bashing: Voldemort, Death Eaters, Snape – Oddly, I refrain from Weasley bashing
Note1: No horcruxes other than diary – Dumbledore explained what it was and how it worked. Only one is possible, period.
Note2: Have you ever heard the expression that teenaged boys are all hands?
Summary: When you read all of those copy & paste things in people's profiles, does something like this ever happen to you? What inspired this? "Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that." That! *Points accusingly*
xXxXxXx STORY xXxXxXx
Harry Potter knew he wasn't quite ready to face the Dark Lord Voldemort. The man had studied dark magics to the point the youth was sure the man had done something horrifying with his snake to feel some semblance of emotion. He had apparently never had any interest in females, something Harry could happily say he had realized he made sure was not the case with him now. The dark lord apparently didn't really have any actual friends, since it was apparently very difficult to keep them about if you were always torturing and being downright nasty to them, something Ron Weasley learned the hard way. The man even lived in a hovel that had no cleaning charms applied in fifty years, a dirt floor, drafty windows, half of the roof was missing and it was always filled with men who probably didn't shower nearly as often as they should.
Needless to say, the dark lord had very good reasons to be grumpy. Even if he did not have good reasons to hurt Harry's friends or innocents. At least in Harry's mind. I mean, look at the Dursleys! Harry fantasized daily about Voldemort going after those guys, and it just never happened! How often would Harry have to anger this supposed dark lord to do his dirty work for him?
Harry had become a thorn in Voldemort's side since day one. Almost literally. He wasn't even a real toddler yet and had basically killed the man! Of course, it was okay, really. With his horcruxes, it was like Voldemort had his hand on base yelling 'Neener!' at everyone else, so he came back. Even if he did lose a bit of that supposed charm he had before. Then, Harry had made a point of basically upsetting every one of Voldemort's minions whenever he could. Not for that reason, of course, but it still wound up that way. And the boy's address was definitely known! A year ago, a woman that was part toad had sent dementors to kill him, so it was obviously out there!
Still, the dark lord wouldn't come to do Harry's dirty work. That upset the usually mopey Potter. Something had to be done to push the dark lord past the boiling point. So it was for that reason that Harry snuck back to Little Hangleton in the dark of the night, Tonks' bound and gagged form watching in wide-eyed shock (an expression that had been on her face since he got the drop on her when she was watching him that night, though it could have been because of a slipped hand or five – She really did now believe teenaged males had a dozen hands or Harry was a morpher like herself but far better) as Harry begun the ultimate evil, setting plans in motion to either make this dark lord's spirit break, or bring out the homicidal juggernaut that would obliterate the Dursleys, thus freeing Harry.
After slipping in their address under the door and tossing in several copies of the paper through each window, complete with maps and the Order of the Phoenix's security patrol routes, Harry giggled to himself.
Then he put the cover plate next to the door, screwed it in, tossed a giggling Tonks over his shoulder and slunk away into the night after pushing the button for its first time, purely for testing purposes, of course.
DING DONG!
"Harry!" Hermione hissed, suddenly stuck to the boy's side like a leech in fear. "Is this where I think it is?"
"Oh dear," Luna mumbled, looking about. "This place really is quite dreary. I wonder why he thought it would be smart idea to make his lair in the one place we already know of."
"Yes, Hermione, it is," Harry said solemnly. "Stay under the cloak and you'll be safe. I have a job to do. It's my destiny."
"You are not doing this alone!" Hermione said, quite furiously and quietly. It was an odd combination, really. "We are your friends! We won't leave you! But shouldn't we go back and-"
"It has to happen now, Hermione," Harry said quietly. Rather than look into Hermione's worried brown eyes or Luna's steely gray, Harry strode forward, feeling pride swell in his chest as they didn't hesitate to step with him.
As they reached the door, Hermione turned to Harry and kissed him hard. "Just in case we ... you know. I thought you should know I love you." She pulled out her wand, ready to face the inevitable.
Harry had just enough time to process why his lips tasted of mint and chocolate before Luna made a sound of realization and planted her own, leaving his lips a new taste of ... vanilla and banana? "I don't know if I love you, but I wank to you every night and want you to know I'm willing to make it reality if we live through this."
'This was the best idea ever!' Harry thought, even as he smiled. "Just keep up and we'll all be fine."
He reached out, lifting a part of worm-eaten wood that was designed to fall down and hide the contraption underneath, even as Hermione finally noticed the tiny little button that he had installed the night before. "Harry, is that-?"
"Run!" Harry hissed, grabbing both girls around the waist and rushing off to the bushes. Both would somehow later swear that Harry had three hands on either arm during that rush to relative safety.
"There ... it is ... again, Master!" Wormtail whimpered, huddling in the corner from where he had been hiding after the prolonged cruciatus exposure Voldemort had given him for explaining obviously false tales about why he hadn't been ready for his daily toenail cleaning that morning. He had, in theory, been investigating the strange sound, so Voldemort had shown his displeasure.
The red-eyed dark lord looked to his minion and sneered. He knew what that was, though he was somewhat befuddled since he knew this building didn't have electricity, much less a door bell. Then again, he wasn't too familiar with batteries, either. "That's my intruder alarm," he said, walking with his bare feet to a pair of slightly large boots a muggle had flown out of when hit with a killing curse. His toes hadn't had their daily scraping, so he wasn't about to put on his princely dragon-skin ones. Not until the puss and grime was properly removed. He wouldn't even be willing to tie these up since that wouldn't allow them to breathe properly.
Of course, he hadn't been dressed in his robes as of yet, either, since he still had his foot bath to look forward to, so he was in only his sleeping robe, opened down the middle, and a pair of boxers, so no one would see his lack of male dignity with the tighter undergarments it would otherwise be.
He stalked forward and opened the door to see who was there, ready to throw a killing curse at what he believed would be a door-to-door salesman with no sense of self-preservation, wearing just that.
Harry and the girls had just settled down, mostly due to lack of experience and because Harry had carried their shocked bodies around the hedge so they could hide in the bushes, when Voldemort, the dark lord and feared warmonger in Britain, walked out of his dilapidated shack wearing untied work boots, boxers and a fluffy green robe that had been taken from Narcissa Malfoy.
The youth immediately began giggling.
"Who dares disturb Lord Voldemort?" The bald man asked in quiet, silky tones, looking around and honestly expecting some spirit to speak lamentations on his greatness.
After thirty seconds, he began to doubt his accuracy, wondering if his fearsome presence had frightened the salesman away.
"Who is there!" The man finally called out normally, sounding quite displeased and after a moment, hissing something that Harry could vaguely understand as 'damn pesky kids' and then looked at the door for the offending button, and then being slightly curious about why he couldn't find it, even casting a spell to look for hidden magics and coming up empty.
Grumbling, the dark lord walked back inside even as Hermione let out a very unladylike snort and fell to the ground in mirth. "You really just ding-dong-ditched Voldemort?"
"We just ding-dong-ditched Voldemort," Harry corrected with a warm smile. "Kinda makes him a little less oppressive, huh?"
"Oh, that is funny," Luna said, a peculiar glint in her eye. "I have an idea!" Then she was gone like a flash, much to Harry and Hermione's curiousity. Seconds later, they could have sworn they heard an indignant roar of some large beast.
"Should we be worried?" Hermione asked.
A bear suddenly ran by, somehow looking scared, followed by Luna was was chasing it down with a diaper crafted out of leaves and yelling it was all for the Greater Good.
"Probably," Harry said.
Voldemort growled as he looked over to the corner where Wormtail was laying still, frothing at the mouth and incapable of looking to see who was at the door from his earlier anger. It never really occurred to him before how all of his Death Eaters, every last one of them, had to pretend their normal lives during the day like secret alter egos.
Grumbled and shuffling his arms back and forth as he walked in his boots again, he went to the front door much more quickly, intending to catch his would-be prankster and killing them slowly. Why hadn't he thought to key himself into the apparition wards?
"Light it!" Luna giggled, running with Hermione from the green bag made from tree leaves and the fresh scat from a very large animal within that had just been set aflame. They both dove over the hedges to where Harry quickly wrapped them up in his invisibility cloak, just in time for them to turn around and see Voldemort throw the door open and glare out.
"WHAT?" Voldemort yelled, throwing the door open and looking about wildly, bringing his wand to fore as he cast it about for ne'erdowells. Then he sniffed a couple of times as he smelled smoke and looked down. "AH!"
Even as a magical, when one sees a flame that close, the first thought is to snuff the flame out. When one is that close, the idea of pointing a wand straight down to cast a spell does not seem at all appealing, nor does it work as instinct or natural reaction. No, what does, is stomping the flame out.
SPLUT!
"DAMN YOU KIDS!" Voldemort turned in, yelling to the nearly comatose man in his chamber. "WORMTAIL! GET IN HERE AND LICK MY BOOTS LIKE YOU'RE MEANT TO!"
As the door slammed, the three collapsed into silent laughter, having been silenced by Harry's wand when Hermione almost snorted again.
"How can you do magic without getting into trouble?" Luna asked, drawing some elaborate plan out in the dirt for her next plan once the giggling stopped.
"I blackmailed Snape into covering for me at the Office of Misuse," Harry replied.
"How!" Hermione retorted. "He hates you! He'd let you get caught no matter what, just because you'd be forced to forget the whole magical world and your wand snapped!"
Harry nodded, still smiling. "You know how everyone thinks he hates me because my dad got my mom?"
"Yea," Hermione said slowly, wondering at how that would matter. Everyone already thought it! How would that keep Snape in line.
"It wasn't my mom he fancied, or got caught using a love potion on. And I've got the veritaserum-induced truth set to go out if I get caught."
Hermione immediately hurled into the bush several feet away. There were times knowing your best friend, and secret wank fantasy, looked exactly like his dad that you really didn't want him anywhere near a potion's master.
"Oh! Save that! I've got an idea for it!" Luna chirruped brightly, amending her plans on the fly.
Within the Misuse of Magic offices, Severus Snape cried silent tears as the ninety-four year old lady that was in Madam Marchbanks' usual place popped her false teeth back into her mouth. "My turn, sonny. Come over here and show me some sugar."
Snape whimpered, nodding and doing his job, knowing the fallout if this woman caught on to Potter's personal alarm would be horrible beyond even this. "Yes ... G-G-Grandma N-Naughty," he muttered out, using the woman's preferred name.
"Where the hell did that come from?" Hermione asked, pointing at the car battery and the rather long jumper cables that ran from it, to the water-logged welcome mat that had mysteriously shown up in front of Riddle Manor.
"What?" Luna asked innocently. "Mister Weasley is always going on about how great muggle batteries are. So I borrowed the ones from Ottery St Catchpole a few years ago."
"Nevermind," Hermione shook her head and pinched the bridge of her brow. Somehow, that didn't really surprise her. "Here. I transfigured the present box and put it in."
"Thank you," Luna demurred, rushed a dozen feet out to put the box in plain sight and then skipped over to the front door, barely giving Harry and Hermione enough time to get ready. Luna found that she REALLY liked buttons.
Luna ducked behind the bush just as a strong hand reached over and grabbed her, pulling her up to look into the face of Nymphadora Tonks. "Hello girly! And what are you three hoodlums doing out in this neck of the woods, hm?"
Harry didn't bother thinking as he grabbed both girls and pulled them down onto himself as Hermione covered them all with the cloak, leaving only four sets of feet peeking out and, if McGonagall were to talk by, she'd be far prouder of Harry than if it were Molly Weasley.
The quartet looked up in time to see Voldemort come out, this time launching a curse in hopes of getting the miscreant and making Tonks thankful, as the killing curse flew overhead, that Harry's hands were so damned fast.
Not counting the several that seemed to multiply around her torso that she couldn't explain, unless Luna and Hermione were just getting frisky.
"GET OFF MY LAWN!" Voldemort yelled, launching another few green curses into the random foliage. It was then that he noticed the present box. Eying the shiny wrapping and cute little bow on top with trepidation and no small amount of wariness, the dark lord took a step forward, missing that which was right below his nose by paying attention to the obvious. "GAHHH!"
Like a creepy Halloween ornament, Voldemort's head lit up and showed the skull within.
After Voldemort was blown backwards into the house, an angered yell reached the outside ears as the door was magically slammed shut, causing giggles all around.
Luna leaned in and kissed Harry solidly, even while Tonks was the one on top of him. This time, Tonks was sure it wasn't the blonde's hands, since they were holding Harry down to snog him senseless before coming up for air. "You really know how to show a girl a good time, Harry."
Giggling, Hermione leaned down and did the same, though she was much more adult about how she went about it (Harry was now fully cognizant of what a warm female mouth could feel like when sucking on his tongue.) She pulled up for air even as Tonks blushed scarlet as what she then felt was not a hand!
"Okay you three," Tonks said, hoping to get away from Harry's many hands. "Dumbledore found out the Boy Wonder here escaped his minders and was about to do some tracking thing that would have led him straight here. I made up a story about him going temporarily mad under the stress and carting me off to a hotel last night, bound and gagged, where I was forced to sate his endless needs and he was so worn out he was still asleep where I'd left him so he would let me come and get you."
Three shocked faces stared at Tonks in amazement.
"What? It worked, didn't it?" Tonks defended herself. Had she not been blushing and still sitting around Harry's middle, it wouldn't have been so shocking to them. "Look, he was able to read my mind a bit and knew Harry caught me and bound and gagged me before I was able to put up my occlumency barriers and ... Whatever. It was the first thing that came to mind. Let's just get out of here."
"What have you got to say for yourself, Harry?" Dumbledore asked, staring over his spectacles at the teenager in front of him. "First, last night with Tonks, and now she finds you with both Miss Granger and Miss Lovegood? Your clothing is rumpled and you've even got twigs in your hair and dirt upon your clothing. How did you even get them to you?"
"How did you even keep going?" Sirius asked, looking for what, to him, were the most important answers.
"Oh it was quite easy after the first time," Luna said with an energetic nod of her head. "He approached quite slowly and then struck with one hand, then we were just sort of under the bushes in a pile and it felt like his hands were everywhere. After that, the next one was my idea. It was difficult with the anus so tight, but we managed."
Sirius whimpered and looked like someone had kicked him in his dog form.
"The last one was actually my favorite," Hermione said, thinking like Luna that Dumbledore had somehow figured everything out. "It was a bit of a shock when Tonks showed up, but had pulled her down and we were all out of sight pretty quick. I've never actually seen someone thrown backwards from the force like that, before. I mean, once when I was younger, I saw my dad dance around afterwards for a few minutes, but that was from just a little one from what I understood since it happened in a different room. Still, I already had plans for this clamp mechanism and a cream pie when Tonks made us leave."
"Glacius," Sirius incanted, freezing his lower half.
Dumbledore coughed a little, unsure of how to proceed. There was now no removing these girls from Harry's circle. To speak so cavalierly about everything meant they were far too comfortable with their current set-up to legitimately break them up now. So much for hoping to get Ron and Hermione closer by giving them Prefect duties the next year. "Ah, yes. Well ... I suppose we should correct room assignments, then. I will ensure the master suite is altered to suit your styles."
Harry, Hermione and Luna all looked at each other curiously while Tonks cottoned on and began to blush. 'Oh man! The worst part is I can't correct his thinking without blowing everything! Well, except Harry. Even if they think that already happened...'
"Molly won't like it," Sirius warned, frost coming off of his pants in sheets as he moved. He had been in prison far too long for these kinds of conversations. Suddenly, with all that long hair, Dumbledore looked a bit like a bird from the back...
"Then she may leave," Dumbledore announced. 'If love is the Power he knows not, then I cannot deny Harry that which he has obtained.' Instead of saying that, he sighed and nodded. "I shall leave the four of you be. All of your things will be moved into Sirius' room, where he may now rest with Buckbeak."
"Hey!" The indignant shout was ignored as the three teens finally realized what they had just sort of admitted to.
"Enjoy your days and ... er... nights." Blushing like a schoolgirl, the old headmaster walked out of the room and house, not to be seen for the rest of the day until dinner, a function that Molly Weasley allowed no one to miss. Not even busy old men who were trying to lead a war.
An uncomfortable silence enveloped everyone as the teens were sure they were being judged and while Tonks was thinking it wasn't so bad. Even as gloomy and dark as the place was, it was better than her apartment. At least now she didn't have to step over the cockroaches territory lines to get into the kitchen for her meals. Even if she did have to room with three teens, it couldn't be worse than the murder attempts those tiny bastards pulled out at night. At least she didn't have to be the responsible one anymore.
"So," Luna suggested, shrugging after realizing she didn't really care what the others thought. "Get back to it?"
"I'm in!" Tonks called out, followed closely by the other two blushing, but nodding.
As the foursome was about to leave, however, Moody stomped over to them, eying them speculatively. "You four aren't heading to your rooms," the grizzled man said suspiciously, having been aware of the conversation. "What are you doing?"
"We've spent the day taunting the dark lord and pissing him off," Harry said without preamble. "We'd offer you a place, but this is something we're all doing as couples and, apparently, we're all four involved."
Moody raised a gnarled eyebrow. His eye saw a lot, including outright lies. That wasn't one. "You're serious."
"That's me!" A voice called from in back somewhere. After being a dog so long, he could hear his name from a mile away (two miles if uttered by a woman.)
"We are," Luna said.
"Hold on a moment. This I can't miss, no matter what. We used to do this with the new recruits back in the day." Moody stomped off up the stairs to where he had a hidden room under even more enchantments and protections than the house itself, much to the others' curiousity. Moments later, however he was stomping down the stairs, carting a plastic doll, filled with water and runes drawn along it, designed to keep the body from popping.
The younger generation paled.
"This is Esmeralda."
"You've gotta be kidding," Harry said in a dead tone of voice. It was ironic, really, because Moody's furious visage was suddenly filling Harry's sight while his wand prodded him under the chin.
"What was that?" Moody growled.
"Why has she got .. er, tattoos?" Hermione asked delicately, hoping to ease the apparently crazy man's temper. "Harry's never seen them before other than on Death Eaters. I'm sure he just feared the worst."
Moody glanced at Hermione and then Harry as he licked his lips, making up his mind. "Right! Sorry 'bout that. I just get protective of my girl."
"I understand," Harry muttered, standing between Moody and the others out of habit and reflex.
"She's a delicate flower, my Esmeralda. Had to toughen her up a bit. She's put on a lot of water weight the past few years and doesn't move about much anymore, but then again, neither do I," Moody said in a joke that creeped the others out. "But, she don't mind a bit if I animate her some. She likes to take the lead, but needs me directin' her. She likes a strong man."
Hermione decided then and there that Harry could never, ever be allowed to turn out anything like that! The whole kissing thing had been fun, but she didn't think she would be able to support Harry having multiple girls and was hoping to win his affections from Luna, but this changed her mind entirely! Harry would have love and lots of it in the form of real women! Moody honestly didn't seem to realize Esmeralda wasn't real! This man knew all of their secrets!
"I'm very pleased to meet you!" Tonks gushed happily and shook hands with the doll, making the teens question her sanity as she turned with a bright smile to Moody, who looked pleased as punch. Esmeralda was always a shy thing. Never left his room, actually. That these people would welcome her so warmly brought a disturbing smile to his face. "You should introduce her to the twins. They bet me you didn't care about a relationship because it was a weakness and I told them you'd have someone in your life just like her!"
Moody blushed even as Tonks was counting the galleons she had just won in her head. Maybe she'd make a peace offering and buy the four of them all a nice, large bed? Something with self-cleaning charms and a mirror on top?
"Er, we're all paired up in twos," Luna mumbled, even outside of her own very wide comfort bubble. "Perhaps we should go while we've still got the element of surprise ... lots of surprise."
Severus Snape was a death eater who had done numerous horrible things that never made him squeamish in the slightest. Well, except for that one time in second year when Lily Evans hugged him and he realized that she had grown breasts. Until then, he had always thought she was just a really androgynous male. Other than that, he could kill children, use them as potions ingredients or mutilate pretty much anything with an artful precision that even the Dark Lord was hard pressed to show no enthusiasm for.
Finding out Eugene Earnhardt still had her dominatrix outfits and all the accessories, however, had the man fall to his knees and begin praying to multiple gods and goddesses, hoping they would smite him before it was too late.
Miss Earnhardt, however, thought the man knew exactly what his role was and couldn't hide her enthusiasm to start into things right away since he obviously knew what to do and all about safety words and the universal (in her eyes as she only ever used the one) sign of things getting to be too much. So, she gagged him and brought out her clamps and implements of torture, which were supposedly great for enjoyment of pain.
It would be hours before she finally felt she had found the perfect gimp. The man knew how to cry and whine, beg and plead as if it were totally real, but no matter how much pain or torment she inflicted, he never once gave the sign that it was too much. Not even the toys she usually used on herself, no matter how large, were accepted just like it was really horrible, but he never once crossed his fingers, telling her enough was enough.
Severus Snape, after four hours of torment, lay next to the ancient body holding him by a collar and knew he would never be able to show his anger about this towards Potter or the boy may learn what had happened. He could never admit to having had an imitation appendage within himself that was larger than his own forearm. He could never admit to being forced to watch the old woman polyjuice into himself (and didn't care anymore to wonder where you could get such a kit where such a potion came as standard supplies) and he could never let anyone, ever, know that this woman had branded him with a cattle iron with "Property of Naughty Granny" in fanciful script, now seared into his backside.
He could never tell anyone.
Severus Snape cried that night. He cried for the pain of his body, the scarring of his mind, and the knowledge that this woman had put an enchanted collar on him to forever claim him as her gimp, all because she had asked for a sign that would show he was against the idea that Severus had never heard of before.
Severus Snape cried.
True to her word, Hermione stealthily set up a swinging arm, attached to the feeble roof of the building, with a tripwire and filled it with a cream pie. Somehow, the danger of everything was gone and all that was left was tormenting this vile excuse for a non-human (which was better than calling other races non-human because they were still alive naturally, of course. This man cheated.)
Six hidden bodies watched as the front door was thrown open and the screaming form of Peter Pettigrew was thrown out magically, letting him fall to the ground a few feet out from the building where he moaned in pain. A moment later, the body was magicked to rub along the ground and then popped up quickly like someone had just picked up the strings to a marionette, lifting Peter this way and that for a few seconds, ignoring the man's pleading and whining before a wary bald head poked out from the door to the sound of a multitude of dainty giggles coming from everywhere.
Moody, after hearing that they would all have to be quiet so Voldemort didn't know where they were at, had erected a mild sound amplification ward around the entire house. He was scared to death that Esmeralda couldn't contain her giggles and wanted to help protect her from that. She so loved life and had a wonderful sense of humor! Now, they could giggle, and the sound would come out from everywhere, the ward making them sound like sprites and nymphs.
Voldemort, naturally, felt he was still right and that ghosts had come back. That they were haunting him and somehow, they were the ones doing all these things. Though, once he used Peter's body to find any obvious traps, he summoned the bloated body back to the door. "Look around, Wormtail," Voldemort hissed.
Peter nodded and crawled along, hoping to see nothing. Which, surprisingly, he did. "I s-see nothing, My Lord."
Voldemort stood straight up and walked forwards, looking down only long enough to see what had applied pressure to his ankle and thus, not seeing the wooden arm swing down and into his face, knocking him back into the house.
DING DONG! DING DONG! DING DONG!
Moody rung the doorbell repeatedly, having a bit too much fun and then spun around and ran like a bat out of hell. He was surprisingly spry when he needed to be, the others thought as the man hightailed it out of the vicinity of the front of the house, leaving behind a tiny little package tied to the handle of the front door. No one was sure of exactly what was in it, they only know the man had made a pit stop with Fred and George Weasley before coming with them.
That made the man's running a little more worrisome to the kids hiding under the bushes.
They could hear arguing and yelling from within the house for a few seconds before Peter's body was launched out of the front window this time. They would have expected it from the door, so Voldemort deigned to outwit them.
"N-nothing's on the roof, your evilness!" Peter mumbled, getting up slowly and looking around. A few seconds later, he looked to the front door and his eyes widened. "MY LORD! WAIT!"
It was too late. Believing there was nothing to fear, the dark lord had thrown open the front door and the pins were pulled from the large number of devices on the floor. The Dark Lord Voldemort was subject to the release of two dozen dung bombs all being set off at once. Right in front of his feet.
It would be a long while and much bathing to get rid of that which had found its way into his nasal cavities where he had nothing to block the brown excrement's entry.
The kids almost felt bad for Peter as he writhed under the torture curse.
Harry and his band of hooligans sat in the bushes, now in a small clearing that had been warded by Moody with a Fidelus where they had a little table and chairs so they had a safe place to watch from. The old auror hadn't had this much fun since his last group of auror trainees had selected targets and pranked them. Though, even he thought turning Lucius into a woman and tossing her into a muggle male prison was a little harsh.
He'd have had the tosser delivered with a bow on his head in a vat of Vaseline.
Still, the group watched idly as Voldemort laid some traps, drinking a really delicious tea that Moody said Esmeralda made. In hindsight, it probably wasn't so surprising that the others only pretended to drink it. The one-eyed auror had been with them, so they weren't actually sure where the tea actually came from. And even in the world of magic, some things were just not meant to be understood. Still, Harry got some fruit while he was getting the balloons for his next prank so the girls could drink some juice instead, and they had been enjoying that while Moody doted on the quiet Esmeralda. They where surprised to come back to see the dark lord at work as he was now.
"What do we do now?" Tonks asked, chewing with her mouth open. She was particularly fond of the snacks Harry had obtained for them. Though her table manners left something to be desired. "We could probably break those traps, but not fast enough to not get caught and there's no way past them. They're almost exclusively of the deadly kind, and those that aren't are pure torture. There's no way for us to get across them and we can't go over them."
"Got an idea," Harry said with a grin. He turned to Hermione, giving her his cloak and leaning in to whisper in her ear.
"What!" Hermione asked, sitting ramrod straight and her eyes bulging comically.
"Come on, Hermione," Harry pled. "It's all for the fate of the world!"
Blushing like mad, Hermione snatched the cloak and put it over herself. They heard grumbling, and not a few dark invectives towards Harry, before a hand darted out, handing him her wadded up bra.
"That's one hell of a line," Tonks said with a quirked eyebrow. "I can't believe you can get away with saying that and actually make it work. I'm impressed you ... why are you looking at me like that?" The pink-haired woman asked slowly, watching Harry's grin turn towards her as Hermione handed him the cloak with her cheeks a dark pink. "Aw hell."
Seconds later, after Tonks showed an interesting move that showed that particular piece of clothing can be taken off with a shirt still on, Harry turned to Luna, who was grinning at him. "If you want mine, you've gotta come and get it yourself." She thrust her arms upwards, waiting for him to do the evil deed, even as Moody magicked Esmeralda's arm to cover his eyes.
She was the jealous sort, after all.
"WHAT!" The manic voice of the dark lord could be heard all the way in the trees where the group was hiding
The group giggled even as Luna put her wand down, letting the minor levitation on the flap hiding the doorbell drop after Harry let the small rock he had levitated to push the button fall, rushing behind the five posts shoved into the ground with the girls' bras hanging between them and the pair of panties that Luna had volunteered for Harry since they didn't have enough bras. Apparently, Moody had no intention of letting them use his girl's unmentionables. Harry's only regret was that Hermione wouldn't let him remove those, too.
"Ready!" Tonks giggled out.
"Aim!" Hermione snorted, all three girls pulling back on their unmentionables with the balloons held within those supportive cups.
The door creaked open, a bald head looking around suspiciously.
"Fire!" Luna cackled, releasing her bra at such the precise same moment as the others that any casual observer would swear they were a military unit trained for such symmetry. Assuming they weren't males who were looking at the girls' pokies, anyway.
Just as Voldemort opened the door a little wider to look out, ensuring he didn't step forward to risk any tripwires, two apple-sized, four grapefruit-sized and one watermelon-sized balloons hit the dark tosser, covering him in the foulest, slimiest substances the girls could find in the forest, including another stop by one truly bewildered bear.
The dark lord yelled in rage, blowing up the building in a bout of accidental magic as his magic rushed from his body, leaving a tiny crater in the ground. The force of the wind knocked over the juice Harry had obtained for himself and the girls, and each of them were thrown to their backs even as detritus covered everything. Luna looked up with her face covered in the juice that had flown everywhere since she was closest while Tonks and Hermione were covered in snacks and Harry had found himself sitting in a puddle of tea, making it really quite uncomfortable.
The group watched with wide eyes as the dark lord developed a tick over his left eye and his head began to twitch uncontrollably before he magically repaired the house and groaned as he realized his minion was a charred lump on the floor. Not dead, but if his mind wasn't all but shut down due to the cruciatus, he'd have been whining. After the day the dark lord had been having, however, causing mayhem and chaos was just what he needed. The world knew he was back already. Perhaps a personal appearance where he could kill indiscriminately and torture a few people, perhaps even steal some candy from a child would help calm him down.
"I will be back once I have obtained some potions, Wormtail," Voldemort hissed, unknowingly letting the kids know his plans, along with Moody and his girlfriend. "We shall perform a raid on some of the mudbloods tonight. I feel it is long overdue." With that, the dark lord popped away, finally glad to have taken the time to add himself to the apparition wards.
"What are we going to do about tonight?" Hermione asked as the group trudged into Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place after their last prank on the dark lord. Without him there, there really was no point in sitting around and it was just about dinner time anyway. And they knew there was no way of getting around missing dinner with Mother Weasley in the house cooking for everyone. It was a source of comfort for the woman and no one could really begrudge her that, even if she did try to stuff them silly.
"We can't just let them go out and hurt people when we know about it," Tonks agreed. "The guy may be a bastard, but maybe Snape will learn of it and tell us."
Paling, and trying not to bring attention to his use of extortion and blackmail to have had the much-hated potions master busy for the day, Harry coughed nervously before speaking up. "Er, maybe we can think of something while we eat, then talk afterwards?"
"No need," Luna said merrily as she bounced on the balls of her feet, coincidentally catching Harry's very focused attention. "I already have an idea. We simply need to return as quickly as possible so we can get back at it!"
"Oh good lord, Harry! Not again!" The group turned as one to Dumbledore, who was sitting in the main foyer with Sirius, Remus and Filius Flitwick where they had been having a meeting. The old man looked absolutely shocked and flabbergasted, which was a curious expression. Moody would have found it very out of character had he not been taking Esmeralda back to their room where he knew she would feel more comfortable while away from the crowds. Resigned and sighing, the old man motioned the group of teenagers, though one was physically older, she got up to so much that she was still considered one, into the room.
"Yes, Headmaster?" Hermione asked, each of the four blushing lightly.
"Please tell me you were not out doing the same thing again, Harry," Dumbledore pleaded lightly. In this man's mind, Harry had basically forced himself upon these girls who trusted him and cared for him too much to be upset and, in their young ages, hormones were getting the best of them and they had no resentment towards him for it. Still, going out and ... what was the phrase used by today's youth? Going out and 'getting jiggy' with it, was not going to help him defeat the dark lord!
Strange how the man didn't realize that leaving him locked up and getting abused by mean relatives was actually much worse since at this, were it actually happening as the man thought, would give Harry a reason to win, if not live while doing it.
The group of chagrined pranksters looked at each other and then down to the floor, nodding. There was an odd mix of embarrassment for what the group had accidentally led the aged headmaster to believe earlier and, because it was the natural order for them to feel as such while in his presence right after doing something wrong, guilt. Throw in that sense of self-preservation where you never wanted to volunteer information and risk getting into more trouble, the kids simply answered the question as simply as possible, while attempting to be as vague as possible.
"We were," Hermione admitted, along with Harry while Tonks scuffed her shoes and Luna grinned brightly. The blonde had gone a long time not caring what others thought and didn't care of the consequences while spending that time with friends who cared for her.
With that kind of mindset, it shouldn't have been surprising she was the first, and only one, to volunteer information when Dumbledore looked over his half-moon glasses at them, trying to make them regret their actions.
"Hermione's cream pie went off wonderfully right in his face!" The blonde chirruped gaily, bouncing on the balls of her feet again, accidentally stopping Molly Weasley at the entrance of the room where she was coming to tell them dinner was ready. The woman was far too shocked to do much else but stand there with her mouth wide open.
The brunette had the decency to blush.
Sirius had the indecency to giggle like a schoolgirl.
Luna paid this no mind as she knew they had to get back to work. "Now, if you don't mind, we're all sticky. Harry's juice covered us and my face and hair are all sticky. We all need showers."
Sirius gaped as Filius fell forward in a dead faint when the girls turned, Harry stopping only because Dumbledore asked him to. "Harry, please wait a moment!"
"Er, Harry," Tonks asked with a deep blush. "It's my only one here," she explained, holding out a hand. The other girls had stopped, curiousity making them wait for their other partner in crime.
With a blush, Harry reached into his pocket and withdrew three pairs of bras, handing them to the girls in question while pulling Luna's panties out of another one, ignoring Sirius as he, too, fell forward in a faint. "Sorry 'bout that. We left the clearing in a bit of a rush, so... yea." Harry turned to face the flummoxed headmaster while the girls beat a hasty retreat.
"Er, Harry," Albus began, "it may be a little late for this but ... you see, when a hippogriff and a unicorn love one another..."
"Alright Harry, explain," Remus demanded as he and Sirius cornered the boy as everyone was finishing dinner. Well, mostly the girls that had been spending time with Harry and Ron, to be honest. The latter, they understood. He ate until food was gone. Tonks was much the same. She just also took forever to eat because she talked a lot, too. At least she didn't spray food around while doing it. But, since Harry had a tendency to eat little to begin with, he was one of the first to be gone from the table and was planning on getting things together.
"We didn't figure it out until a few minutes ago, but we don't think you're actually shagging those girls silly all day long," Sirius said, sounding ... disappointed? Well, the man was in Azkaban for twelve years... And the only women he had to look at was Molly Weasley, Minerva McGonagall and teenaged girls that wouldn't have anything to do with him. Was it any wonder he was looking longingly at Dumbledore from behind?
"Your scents are all over each other," Remus continued, "but not the smell of that. So what's going on?"
Harry sighed, knowing he couldn't lie to these two. "Last night, I really did bind and kidnap Tonks," he began, getting two sets of comically wide eyes. "Only, it was because she was my Order guard that night. I took her, along with some simple tools and a battery-operated doorbell, to Voldemort's lair where we've been pranking his arse all day long. We got him to accidentally blow up his house before he fixed it and went to get potions to heal Pettigrew. I'm kind of hoping to either break him, or get him to finally go after the Dursleys."
"Then how did you get their knickers?" Sirius asked, ignoring his decade-long scheming for revenge, the fact that his godson was tormenting a murderous dark lord, that said dark lord was apparently getting pissed and that Peter was apparently alone for the time being and easily captured for what was obviously the most important question he could possibly be asking right now.
Twelve years is a very long time...
Harry shrugged. "I told Hermione it was for the fate of the world. Tonks didn't want to be arsed to lose a verbal argument and Luna just wanted me to be the one to take them off of her, though Hermione wouldn't let me get her knickers," he finished with a sigh of longing.
"We want in," the two remaining Marauders chorused as one.
"Sorry gents," Harry began, holding up his hands with his palms up, showing a universal sign of 'nothing I can do'. "After everything, it's become something of a thing for couples. Me and the girls and Moody and Esmeralda."
Sirius' eyes shifted to the side, making Remus very uncomfortable. "What?" The werewolf asked nervously.
"Take one for the team," Sirius said solemnly.
"WHAT!" Remus shrieked like a little girl.
"We can't let him keep this up on his own," Sirius said, his years in Azkaban showing more pronouncedly now. The man had finally cracked, it seemed. "Neither of us are with a girl and we can't let them go off on their own. It's our duty! We owe it to James and Lily!"
Remus Lupin, known for being the intelligent one of the Marauders, had no idea how to deny that they very much did, indeed, owe a great deal to their deceased friends. "We'll do this just long enough to help Harry out and then we never speak of this again," Remus finally offered, feeling it was something of a valid compromise.
Sirius nodded once resolutely, ignoring his completely disgusted godson. "You realize that I've never been on a date where I didn't get snogged senseless, right? That's a record that I can't just give up."
"Forget it," Remus snarled.
"This is not what I meant!" Sirius hissed, moving the long bangs that he now had after Remus took the head off of a mop from Grimmauld and used a sticking charm to put it on the convict's head.
"One of you had to be the woman," Luna said simply, hoping to stop the argument before it started. Again. "Now do be quiet. I'm almost ready here. I just need to wait for Moody."
Hermione set down the bag of supplies she had obtained for this prank, er, mission. It was filled with ropes, balloons, stuff scraped from the cellar of Grimmauld, a pair of each girl's undergarments in case they needed them again, soap and several other odds and ends. She really had no idea what Luna's plan was, as the girl was remaining tight-lipped about it. It was two hours to sundown and Luna had Moody out, actually adding a large number of near-lethal wards and many that would just simply torment. The only information she had given about her plan was that, in the spirit of what they were doing, they should realize that their ultimate goal was to win the war, not just simply upset one little dark lord.
Harry had thought to voice his disapproval, explaining he didn't want to win until after the man-turned-creature had taken out the Dursleys, but decided to see what the girl had in mind. He also didn't want to be on the wrong end of any of the girl's scary intellects. They were proving more and more how smart they were and, not surprisingly, it was much more so than himself.
"Alright girly," Moody growled, stomping over to Esmeralda and wrapping a protective arm around her. "I've done what you asked. Now what is your plan?"
Luna provided a brilliant smile and then flourished her wand. "Accio Peter Pettigrew!"
Through a window again, the lump of unconscious man was summoned to the clearing before Luna sidestepped out of the way, letting him hit the tree that was behind her. "Stupefy!" She stunned him for good measure before putting the tip of her wand to his forearm. "Since Voldemort is still gone, now is the best time to do this!"
Then she shoved magic into the fat man's arm, activating the dark mark and calling everyone she could, not sure how to specify anyone in particular, and trying to indicate a sense of urgency, then she launched the wounded man back into the home. "And now we wait and watch!"
Surprised, they all took their seats, Moody and Esmeralda sitting on a log, Harry and his girls on a plush loveseat that Hermione had transfigured with the brunette on his left, Luna on his right and Tonks sitting on the back with her legs spread around the other girls so she could bend down to eat the popcorn Hermione had packed away, expecting an opportunity to sit back and enjoy the show and none of the girls commenting on the strange number of hands they felt all over.
And of course, Sirius was complaining as he was cuddled up to Remus, both of them planning on finding a partner for the next time or deciding they wouldn't be going.
After a few minutes, people began to arrive in the robes and masks of death eaters on the outskirts of the clearing around the house before they began to walk confidently towards the house, activating the multitude of traps and wards that had been put in place.
The first few activated wards that were about ten feet across and exploded, sending bodies flying, but having been weak enough to not lose a limb even if they would be horribly scarred for life.
The next few that appeared, seeing their fallen brethren, rushed to their sides, being hit with crippling curses that vanished or shattered bones, leaving them wailing in agony before the stunners associated with them sent them to blissful oblivion.
The next several dozen tripped confundus wards and mild imperius and compulsion wards to fight anything wearing death eater regalia, thus allowing them all to take out their own numbers however they so chose.
After an hour, there were roughly sixty bodies on the ground with one lone survivor standing amongst the fallen enemies. Of course, once he was left alone, it was only then that he realized he, himself was wearing his death eater clothing.
Well, that was easily solved with a killing curse to the face.
The group that consisted of the Light forces, most with popcorn halfway to their mouths, stared in wide-eyed shock as the battle played out, finally ending with the last one suiciding himself.
Crunch! Munch, munch, munch.
The group slowly swiveled their heads to where Luna was happily chewing away on her popcorn and trying to mentally count the hands she felt until she saw them. "Well, this stops the killing they would do tonight, plus, we can leave a message."
Blinking, the group watched her get up, and then transfigure a sign that looked like a cardboard cutout of Harry, only made of wood, where he was smiling winningly and with a speech bubble over his head with the words, "Harry Potter was here" not only written in large, easy-to-read letters, but complete with glowing letters that even flashed. The blonde hummed merrily to herself as she put it over one of the death eaters and then retransfigured it so the cutout's right foot was resting atop a death eater's head.
"There!" Luna smiled brightly, turning to the others with an expression that practically screamed "Lookit! Look at what I did! Aren't you proud?"
Actually, they kind of were. Scared as all hell, and more than a little terrified, but pride was definitely there.
And Harry had no doubts that this would get the dark lord after the Dursleys, since that was supposed to be where he was at.
With pride and gratitude swelling in his chest, and burning desire a bit lower, Harry walked up to Luna and kissed her passionately on the lips, holding her tightly to his body as her legs gave out in shock and extraordinary amounts of pleasure. After twenty seconds that didn't seem nearly long enough, Harry pulled back, looking into the eyes of the blonde girl that looked far more dazed than usual. "Oh, there is no way I'm letting you go now," he growled out, kissing her again.
Hermione rubbed her legs together unconsciously as she shifted on the couch, planning methods to get those that didn't come tonight.
Tonks was already gone, buying the new bed.
Moody, in the way that bloodshed and killing always did, was talking sweetly into Esmeralda's ear. Bloodshed and killing always made him frisky.
Remus and Sirius were holding onto each other rather tightly, both scared of the blonde girl. She was far too innocent and sweet to have such a dark, depraved and immoral soul hidden so well. To them, it was like watching a little four year old with the same personality as Bellatrix, thankfully going after the baddies instead of the good guys.
The moment they heard Voldemort return, roughly half an hour later, Harry immediately magicked the doorbell again. They could have ran up and then away again, since the wards were now all destroyed with the number of people that had tripped them all, but running through the fallen bodies would have been too difficult.
So it was, with everyone cuddling once again, that they watched the bald head of Voldemort come out like a groundhog looking for his shadow, after putting away a bag of stolen candy, and his red eyes widen comically as he saw half of his numbers on the ground, all dead.
He was far too shocked to be angry.
A quick wave of his wand told him a massive battle had been fought here. All high-level spells and not a single one was considered Light. None except a single levitation charm and a piercing hex, both from Harry Potter's wand and magical signature.
The dark lord's anus tightened by some strange reflex as he finally noticed the smiling cutout of his nemesis standing over one of his fallen minions before he realized it wasn't really Potter. But only Potter would be foolish enough to be so vain and blatant. However, Voldemort knew Dumbledore would never stoop to using any spell considered dark, and he would not tolerate any of his people doing it, either. He actually allowed his own people to be imprisoned for it in the last war.
That meant all of this was because of Harry Potter. Harry Potter, apparently alone, had come through and killed all of his minions now laying on the ground before him, purely as a message to Voldemort.
The dark lord saw red at this slight upon him.
"GRAH!" Voldemort's wand flashed out and a killing curse hit the cutout, blasting it apart into pieces with the impactive power. Then fiendfyre was used to rid himself of the bodies and the evidence before the dark lord slammed his door shut and began to layer defensive wards on the house itself. Had anyone been there, he would have been able to sense them, so he decided to strengthen the home first, then ward it later so warding the home wouldn't destroy the wards put around the building.
"Here's your wand, kid," Moody said, giving the wand back to Harry after clearing it of the large number of killing curses that had been used with it minutes ago.
Harry looked at it, shocked by the number of kills it had just 'confirmed'. Moody, after coming back to his senses earlier, had taken the wand so it would show up as Harry's signature since he had apparently wanted the dark tosser to get upset at him for something. He had then used it to ensure all those dead death eaters were well and truly dead. Apparently, pranks were all fine and dandy, but it wasn't quite the same if they could remain alive to come back later.
And, since the whole thing seemed to be about pissing the dark lord off, what better way than to make it seem Harry had just went face-to-face with all sixty-four of those men laying on the ground and killed them all while he, alone, survived?
Still, this had been less about the amusing pranking that the earlier stunts had since this was as much to stop later bloodshed, killing, raping and torturing. Each of those who had come would have done horrible and unspeakable things that night. Knowing about it, they just couldn't let it continue, so it had to be stopped. Pranks wouldn't have done that.
At least not alone.
So, they let this event become more serious and finished things. But it came at a price.
"I'm not really sure we should be pranking him anymore," Hermione said nervously, having watched as Moody systematically "confirmed the kill" on sixty-four people. While most were probably already dead, they had contributed to that. She didn't regret it, since they would have done worse to innocent people, but she did feel a little put off by it.
Not so much that cuddling Harry wasn't curing her of the need to get sick, especially since she had taken a large amount of her observational skills to try and figure out where those extra hands came from, but knowing that it was your own pranking that caused the homicidal man to want to go out and kill kind of put a damper on things.
"Perhaps you're right," Luna stated, her face in the crook of Harry's shoulder so she didn't have to see the piles of ashes that had once been people.
Harry, despite having two highly cute, cuddly and romantically-inclined girls in each arm, was having a different thought. "Just one last one," he said, sounding strangely odd.
He got up and walked towards the home, putting a quick glamor over his scar, then transfiguring his robe into coveralls he had seen a plumber wear once before changing his hair to blonde and giving himself a fake mustache.
"GAH!"
Harry heard the yell from inside and hid a smirk.
The door flew open and Voldemort was about to launch a curse, either magical or of the vocal variety, when he paused, seeing someone standing outside for the first time all day. "Potter!" He hissed, his eyes narrowing as he prepared the killing curse with relish.
"Why does ev'rybody call me that?" Harry asked with a horrible Australian accent. "Do I have the ruddy scar? The black hair?"
It was enough to give Voldemort pause. He looked up to see not one, but four lines on this man's forehead, looking like someone was waiting to play a game of tic-tac-toe. "Ah, quite right. And Potter hasn't a mustache. Then who are you and why shouldn't I kill you now?"
"I was called by a man named Peter. Said there was a strange ding-dong sound and he wanted it removed for his master."
Voldemort instantly perked up. "Yes!"
Harry nodded, pulling out his wand. "Where is the little devil?"
"Strange," Voldemort stated with an expression of confusion. "Potter has a wand just like that o-"
"Reducto." Harry said simply.
The headless body of Voldemort fell to the floor.
"I can't believe I never thought of that before," Harry said simply, even as the others rushed to his side. They dared not rush out once they realized Harry wasn't running away earlier, since that would certainly screw up anything he had planned. But seeing the dead dark lord fall to the ground, sans a cranium, all bets were off.
"Harry!" Hermione hugged Harry hard enough to make him grunt. "What the hell were you thinking!"
Kick. Kick.
"Luna, stop kicking the body," Hermione moaned out. Despite herself, kicking a dead body, even a dark lord, just seemed wrong and she called the blonde on it.
"Sorry," Luna said, sounding surprisingly sincere. Then she moved to kick the groin. Hermione was oddly okay with it.
"Harry, you just ended the worst part of the war," Tonks said, joining Luna and getting one good kick into the dead body's groin.
"I know," Harry said, actually quite miserable. He had all these grand plans of watching the Dursleys suffer an agonizing death at the hands of this madman, but he realized he couldn't be greedy and let his selfish desires for third-hand revenge get the better of him. Not when he had thought up a way to end the war.
And if he was going to be greedy and selfish, he would much rather think of a way to keep this relationship thing the way it was rather than anything whatsoever to do with the Dursleys.
Sadly, not everyone was happy.
"We didn't even get a chance to prank him," Sirius cried, sitting on the ground and actually crying with Remus doing his best to calm down his near-hysterical friend.
"True," Harry said. "But we have got Pettigrew, so we can get you declared innocent and back into society where you can hope to find a girl as great as those I've got." If he was going to try and keep his girls, the praise and compliments should start right away! He hugged Hermione tighter even as Luna came up to cuddle into his other side, then hugged her tightly, too.
"Let's go home, Harry," Hermione said, hugging Harry and finding mostly relief in the knowledge that Harry had killed the worst part of this whole war. It was mostly up to the dregs now. And with this many hands when he just hugged her, Hermione was very curious about what sleeping next to him would be like. The thought made her blush.
"You all should go. Take Esmeralda with you," Moody said, handing the doll to the two Marauders with a glare that promised pain if they tried anything with her. "Tonks and I will deliver this to the Ministry, along with Peter. We'll make sure Amelia gets 'em both and we'll free Sirius while we get this done."
Luna sighed contentedly as Harry's arm wrapped around her, those wonderful extra hands seemingly coming with them. "I agree. It's really quite late and I'm rather tired. Plus the Headmaster made a nice room up for us a Tonks kindly provided a large bed. We can deal with it tomorrow."
Harry perked up. "I guess we'd only get in your way. Don't call us if you need us." He then quickly led them away. He had wooing on the brain.
xXxXxXx Omake Theater xXxXxXx
Omake 1: Story-Related Epilogue (This is the way the story would end.)
Severus Snape groaned out painfully as he laid down into his bed after the first week of potions classes. After twelve years from the night that his first master, the dark lord Voldemort, had died, the first installment of the hated Potter spawn had arrived. Twins from the former Lovegood, a daughter from the former Granger and a son from the former Tonks.
All four were intelligent, all four were near perfect and all four were pre-dispositioned to hate him as much as he hated them. He went out of his way to be cruel, but chasing them down so he could catch them in the act was taking a toll on his body. The spirit was willing, but the flesh was bruised and spongy.
He was just laying down to bed in Hogwarts when he heard a most peculiar sound...
Omake 2: Sharing
Luna Lovegood-soon-to-be-Potter was a firm believer in sharing happiness and that all the world should be able to enjoy it. Part of this came from not having many friends and being willing to share anything and everything with those of whom she could call 'friend'. It was a magical word that surpassed all the Latin in the Hogwarts library.
But it didn't just work one-way! Her friends shared with her, too!
Just this last year, her fiancé, Harry Potter, had defeated a dark lord and five dozen of his minions because he shared with her and her co-fiancé, Hermione Granger-soon-to-be-Potter, a muggle game called "ding-dong-ditch"!
Well, Luna was always willing to make new friends...
Barny Fife hadn't worked at Azkaban for long. He was actually a fresh recruit and greenhorn auror. Sadly, he had a bad tendency to screw things up, so he was usually only allowed to work in places where he just stood still or had to stay quiet. At least until they found out he was one of the few who could cast a corporeal Patronus. Then his superiors were all too gleeful to send him to guard the worst-of-the-worst.
He was actually quite embarrassed by how much they heaped their praises onto him while getting him to take the job.
It just so happened to be his first night on the job when he heard a strange sound from the front gates...
Omake 3: Lora (A shameless plug for my other story, "Death's Pride"
Lora finally released a breath she had been holding for a little over two hundred years. Harry Potter, her most aggravating soul, was finally at peace. He had beaten Voldemort and lived his life fully with his family and had numerous grandchildren.
He had finally died of natural causes and was meeting with his loved ones even now. His father, godfather and sort-of-an-uncle had been waiting for decades for him while his wives who had passed on only a week before him had their own plans for what they would do with him, which Lora was glad to say she wasn't going to pry into.
She was just sipping a soothing cup of tea before she blinked curiously as a sound made it across her office...