Sketch: Are you sitting comfortably? Then Jeremy will begin...
Michael Deacon watches Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt make a statement on the future of Lewisham Hospital's A&E ward.
Jeremy Hunt, the Health Secretary. Photo: Geoff Pugh
By Michael Deacon, Parliamentary Sketchwriter
4:28PM GMT 31 Jan 2013
This sketch has said it before, and it will say it again. The cheeky little quiff, the boyishly pure skin, the camply flailing arms… Jeremy Hunt doesn't look like a senior Cabinet minister. He looks like a children's TV presenter.
You may think it a trivial point. But it does make it hard to take him seriously. Because when he's addressing the Commons on a matter of grave import – such as he did today, on the proposed closure of Lewisham A&E in London – you can't help thinking, "This poor chap can't be in charge of the NHS. Not a big, scary job like that. Surely someone could have found him a role better suited to his talents. Like introducing this morning's episode of Peppa Pig."
And once you've got that image into your head, it's hard to get it out. So as Mr Hunt rises to speak, you don't expect to hear about clinical safeguards and healthcare trusts. You expect to hear something like this.
"With permission, Mr Speaker, I'd like to do today's birthdays. Who's this fella peeping out from behind Scooby Doo on the front of this super home-made birthday card? Yes, it's Barry Hillock from Papford in Kent, and he's four today. Happy birthday, Barry! And that comes with lots of love from Mum, Dad, Auntie Sue, baby sister Sophie and Keith the dog.
"Now it's time for Postman Pat – and after that, we'll take a quick whizz through today's hospital closures!"
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Many children's TV hosts have had puppet sidekicks: Gordon the Gopher, for example, and Edd the Duck. Jeremy Hunt would doubtless insist on one of his own.
"Look who it is, Mr Speaker – it's Norman the Lamb! Isn't he lovely and woolly! Say hello to all the boys and girls on the Opposition benches, Norman!"
Norman Lamb (coldly): "I'm not a puppet. I'm a 55-year-old man and I'm Minister of State for Care and Support."
"Come on, Norman, don't be ashamed – no need to look so sheepish! Ha ha! Now, tell the boys and girls – what's the news about Lewisham A&E? Is it… baaaaad? Do you get it, boys and girls! Baaaaa! That's the noise a lamb makes! Altogether now: 'Baaaaa!'"
In the end, the news about Lewisham A&E was fairly baaaaad, but not as baaaaad as it might have been; rather than closed, it will be reduced in size. The hospital's maternity unit will also be downgraded.
Andy Burnham, Shadow Health Secretary, called it a "Lewishambles", yet another of Labour's endless puns on last year's buzzword, "omnishambles". I suppose we should be grateful Mr Burnham wasn't around in 1916, otherwise he'd probably have accused Field Marshall Haig of a Sommenishambles.
Mr Hunt was very cross with Mr Burnham, but this highlighted another problem with looking so boyish: his anger isn't terribly intimidating. "He's failed to come up with a single alternative proposal!" he squeaked.
And now it's time for Treasury Questions with Dick & Dom.
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