Lies , Liar Just Like B.J Does
Lying Checklist
Most lies succeed because no one goes through the work to figure out how to catch them. Usually it doesn't much matter. But when the stakes are high there is reason to do that work.
The kinds of questions to ask when catching someone in a lie
Lie checking isn't a simple task, quickly done. Many questions have to be considered to estimate whether or not mistakes are likely and, if they are, what kind of mistakes to expect and how to spot those mistakes in particular behavioural clues.
Questions have to be asked about the nature of the lie itself; about the characteristics of the specific liar and of the specific lie catcher.
No one can be absolutely certain whether or not a liar will fail or a truthful person will be exonerated.
Lie checking provides only an informed guess. But making such an estimate should reduce both believing a lie and disbelieving the truth mistakes.
At the least, it makes both liar and lie catcher aware of how complicated it is to forecast whether a liar can be caught.
However, of the most common motives for telling lies, avoiding punishment is the primary motivator for both children and adults.
Other typical reasons include protecting ourselves or others from harm, maintaining privacy, and avoiding embarrassment, to name a few.
Deception costs businesses and government billions, ruins relationships, undermines what we care about and even takes lives.
The more white matter (see my blog
The Truth About How Your Brain Gets Smarter)—or some might even say the more intelligent the neocortex—the greater potential a person has to lie.
Your Brain On Lies
Three key parts of our brain are stimulated when we lie. First, the frontal lobe (of the neocortex), which has the ability to suppress truth—yes,
it's capable of dishonesty due to its intellectual role. Second, the limbic system due to the anxiety (hi, amygdala!) that comes with deception
—and yes, when we're lied to our "Spiderman sense" here can perk up, just as we can feel guilty/stressed when we're doing the lying.
And third, the temporal lobe is involved because it's responsible for retrieving memories and creating mental imagery.
Just for fun, add the anterior cingulate cortex because it helps in monitoring errors, and the dorsal lateral prefrontal cortex because it is trying all the while to control our behavior.
Our brain is busy, busy, busy when we lie.And it's far more peaceful when we tell the truth, because our limbic systems isn't stressed about lying and our frontal lobe isn't inhibiting the truth.
Lies At Work
Where do we see a prevalence of lies? At work, or more specifically, to get out of work.
According to Zety's recent 2020 research, of over 1,000 Americans, they found 96% confessed to lying to get out of work. Here's the net-net:
The most common lies include feeling sick (84%), family emergencies (65%), doctor's appointment (60%), or lying about a family member's death (31%)!
On average, one person has used 7 different excuses to get out of work on different occasions.
Only 27% of respondents who lied to get out of work regretted it, and 41% of respondents would lie again.
91% of people making up excuses to get out of the office were never caught!
More men than women were caught lying, and only 27% of respondents who lied to get out of work regretted it.
For those caught, 70% regretted lying. But despite not feeling bad about themselves for lying, 59% of respondents said they wouldn't do it again.
Are we all pathological liars? Or do we need to look at why we feel compelled to make up stories instead of just telling the truth?
Is lying to avoid work a cultural problem, at least in part? And what about people that don't experience regret when they lie?
The stance of perpetual innocence, or extreme entitlement (and thus reality distortion) is a topic I addressed in my blogs on Borderline
Lying Rx
To reduce the amount of lying in your workplace, you'll want to first look at how safe people feel. Is it ok to tell the truth?
Is it ok to fail? Is it ok to be human and not a super hero/work robot/cog in a wheel?
Is it ok to have feelings and need a break now and then? Find out.
· Use the emotion wheel at the beginning of each meeting to check in on how everyone is doing
· Create support groups if people need a little extra help
So why do we lie? Because it works for us. Temporarily, at least. For fun, you might want to join me in telling the five types of truth
; you'll notice not only how good it feels, but how much simpler it makes your life.
How often do you lie? Why?
Even More Motivation
I suspect there are motivations behind telling lies that fall outside one of the above nine categories, such as trivial deceits like lies told out of politeness or tact
, which are not easily subsumed by these nine motives. However, these nine were presented in data I collected myself
and can, at least, be used as the foundation to explain why people lie.
Want to know if you are being lied to?
When lying, the face often contains two messages- what the liar wants to show and what the liar wants to conceal.
Often, these hidden emotions leak in the form of a micro expression, a brief (half a second or less) involuntary facial expression revealing true emotion.
While Dr. Ekman cautions that a single micro expression or flash of leakage does not offer conclusive proof of lying,
micro expressions are one of the most effective nonverbal behaviors to monitor to indicate a person is being dishonest.
Many people lie because they want to protect themselves from an unpleasant situation or conflict. Think of young children who lie; they lie to make sure that they don't get into trouble.
Children lie to avoid unpleasant consequences or punishment. Adults do the same
Many people lie because they know they've done something that will anger the other person.
A woman might lie about the cost of the shoes she purchased and a man might lie about which buddy he was going to hang out with.
These lies are strictly to escape punishment or to avoid a fight. The person may not have done anything wrong, but would prefer not to have to justify, explain or face an irate spouse.
To Spare Feelings
Some people who lie often do so with good intentions. We call these "white lies",
or lies that occur when the person wants to avoid causing someone else pain.
A husband may lie to spare his wife's feelings, or a father may lie to avoid his child's tears. One example of a common white lie is, "Yes, dear, that dress looks great on you."
To some, a white lie is nothing more than a reason or excuse rather than an untruth.
The ethical philosophy behind telling a white lie is debated the world over by theologians and philosophers.
Each individual must decide if telling a white lie is justified. If keeping someone from being hurt unduly means omitting the truth and no damage comes from the fib, then most people not only feel it is justified, but necessary.
A pathological liar lies constantly to get what he wants, caring little for who gets hurt along the way.
Considered a coping mechanism, pathological liars often exhibit other personality disorders. Words that describe a pathological liar are
deceptive, manipulative and selfish. Pathological liars actually believe their own lies, but may change the story from telling to telling.
Others realize the lie, but the liar often does not and has no remorse. She will often make up things as she goes and seldom plans out a lie.Once told, she will defend the lie and rarely admit that she told a lie.
The lies of a pathological liar can be absurd such as saying she was in the park people-watching and saw a crime take place, when in reality she was shopping with a friend.
Dealing with a compulsive or pathological liar is enough to try the patience of loved ones.
The compulsive lying is a habit and pathological lying is an identity disorder.
How to Tell if Someone Is Lying
Someone telling a lie often gives clues that what's being said is not true.
The clues may be body language, facial expressions or what the person actually says. Someone telling a fib often perspires or seems nervous and jittery.
Lack of eye contact or wandering eyes while telling a tale tops the list of how to tell if someone is lying. Liars will talk with a rise in the pitch of the voice.
Body language tells a story of deception. Liars will often place an object such as a book, magazine, or notebook in front of them.
By doing this, the liar places a barrier between herself and the other person.
The liar may move away from you by turning or taking a step back.Gestures that become pronounced during the telling of a lie begin with rubbing the forehead,
licking the lips, swallowing often and hard, and wringing hands.Rather than smiling in a natural way, a liar will force a smile that shows the mouth in a smile, but not in the eyes.
In the midst of a lie if a person is asked a question such as, "Did you take the money from my purse?"
A liar will often respond with "I did not take the money from your purse." She will repeat the question back to you without using the contraction "didn't."
Other verbal clues that a lie has been told include giving too much detail and speaking in a monotonous tone.
The longer the liar talks the greater the chances the lie will come out, so go ahead and give the person enough rope to hang himself.
Actually knowing for certain that someone is telling a lie is often impossible and the best way to get the truth is from a confession.
The next time you suspect someone is telling you a lie, watch for facial expressions and body language to see if any of the tell-tale signs of a liar are visible.
Increase your accuracy of spotting lies with lie checking
Lie checking will allow a suspicious person to estimate their chances of confirming or disproving their suspicions.
Sometimes all they will learn is that they can't find out; or they may learn which mistakes are likely, and what to look and listen for. Lie checking could also be useful to a liar.
Some may decide the odds are against them and not embark on a lie or not continue their lie. Others may be encouraged by how easy
it appears to get away with a lie or may learn what to focus their efforts upon to avoid the mistakes they're most likely to make.
38 questions have to be answered to check a lie. I have gathered them into a single checklist.
An easy lie for the liar should produce few mistakes and therefore be hard for the lie catcher to detect, while a hard lie for the liar should be easy for the lie catcher to detect.
An easy lie would not require concealing or falsifying emotions, there would have been ample opportunity to practice the specific lie, the liar would be experienced in lying, and the target, the potential lie catcher, would not be suspicious.
A hard lie could involve a combination of concealing and falsifying emotions, the liar would have to "think on their feet" to make up the lie and possibly remember other previous lies,
the liar would be inexperienced at lying, and the target would already be suspicious of them.
Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Virginia, has confirmed that lying is simply a condition of life. In her research she found that both men and women lie in approximately a fifth of their social exchanges lasting 10 or more minutes.
Wow. And over the course of a week we deceive about 30 percent of people we have 1:1 interactions with. Wow wow.
Women are more likely to tell altruistic lies to avoiding hurting other people's feelings, and men are more likely to lie about themselves. De Paulo found that men lie more often to impress.
A typical conversation between two guys contains about eight times as many self-oriented lies as it does lies about others.
Motives for Telling Lies
My data collected during interviews with children and from questionnaires completed by adults suggests that telling lies occurs (at least in part) for one of nine reasons:
1. To avoid being punished. This is the most frequently mentioned motivation for telling lies (by both children and adults). It's important to note that there were no significant differences for lies told to avoid punishment for a purposeful misdeed versus an honest mistake.
2. To obtain a reward not otherwise readily obtainable. This is the second most commonly mentioned motive, by both children and adults. An example of this is falsely claiming work experience during a job interview to increase chances of hire.
3. To protect another person from being punished. As with lying to avoid personal punishment, motive does not change with intent. We've seen this occur between coworkers, friends, family, and even with strangers!
4. To protect oneself from the threat of physical harm. This is different from being punished, for the threat of harm is not for a misdeed. An example would be a child who is home alone telling a stranger at the door that his father is asleep now and to come back later.
5. To win the admiration of others. Telling lies to increase your popularity can range from "little white lies" to enhance a story being told to creating an entirely new (fabricated) persona.
6. To get out of an awkward social situation. Examples of how telling lies can look when motivated by this are claiming to have a babysitter problem to get out of a dull party, or ending a telephone conversation by saying there is someone at the door.
7. To avoid embarrassment. The child who claims the wet seat resulted from water spilling, not from wetting her pants, is an example if the child did not fear punishment, only embarrassment.
8. To maintain privacy without notifying others of that intention. For example, the couple who claims to have eloped because the cost of a wedding was beyond their means when, in reality, they were avoiding the obligation to invite their families.
9. To exercise power over others by controlling the information the target has. Famously embodied by Hitler, this is arguably the most dangerous motive for telling lies.
To Protect Feelings
While some people who lie want to protect the feelings of others and spare someone else pain or hurt, many people lie to protect their own feelings, self-esteem, self-confidence, or other personal emotion.
A woman who says, "I didn't want that job anyway," when she really did, is lying to protect herself. A child who yells out,
"I hate you!" may be trying to protect himself from feeling hurt or to reject others before he is rejected.
To Keep a Secret
When thinking of lies that are concocted to keep a secret, one must only think of birthdays and Christmas.
Plenty of people lie about where they went or what they bought, with the good intention of maintaining an aspect of surprise. Most of the time, the lies are obvious.
A teenager may know that her mother went out, but something about her mother's excuse fosters suspicion.
When the truth comes out and the teen receives a nice gift for a special occasion, the lie is forgiven and forgotten.
To Present a Good Image
Many people want to present a good image, often for work-related reasons.
Think of a job interview where a person might dress well and attempt to impress the interviewer in order to land the job.
People who lie for image reasons often do so because they want to gloss over a blemish in their work history or avoid providing the real reason for termination of employment from a previous job.
To Be Liked
Everyone wants to be liked and being part of the group is important, as well as part of human nature. Many people lie simply to be accepted by others.
A person may feign interest in something or agree with a statement he or she does not believe
. One problem that might occur with this type of lie is a lack of individuality, as well as not being able to be oneself.To Manipulate Others
We learn very quickly that we can manipulate other people. Whether we choose to do so might be a subject of debate.
The fact remains that many people lie to get other people do what they want them to do.
People who lie to manipulate a situation or other people are often only interested in personal gain and fail to consider other people's feelings.
By lying or omitting details, the person can achieve a personal goal.
However, it is important to note that a lie manipulates a situation and a person's thoughts; even a lie that is told with innocent intentions.
What we say and do has an effect on others and even well-intended lies are a form of manipulation.
A Matter of Trust
Lying creates an uncomfortable situation because we expect others to treat us honorably and tell the truth.
We expect not to be lied to and when the situation occurs, we lose faith and trust in the other person.
There are some people (typically those with certain personality disorders) who lie frequently and do not care about the effects of their lies.
This type of person also typically does not care about the treatment he receives from other people.
Most people, however, care how others treat them and knowing they were lied to can be a breach of trust, depending on the gravity of the lie
.Our perception can affect our acceptance of lying and the consequences of the lie itself. For example, many people believe politicians lie.
Since it is expected, the lies are often accepted. The same applies to used-car salespersons.Few people are affected by the breach of trust that might occur
when these people lie and life goes on, with little upset.
Compulsive and Pathological Lying
A more serious problem with lies occurs when lying becomes compulsive or pathological.
The differences in the two may be subtle, but it's important to understand each.
A compulsive liar uses lies as a way of life.Lying for any situation or no reason takes the place of honesty.
A compulsive liar lies because it serves the person in some odd way and he takes comfort in lies.
Telling the truth just doesn't feel right to a compulsive liar who will bend the truth to fit her own needs and desires. Compulsive lying is often accompanied by other personality disorders like narcissism.
While the person delving into compulsive lies feels secure, the lies often hurt and damage relationships, family and friends. Compulsive lying is an addiction and becomes difficult to stop once it has become a way of life.
You may never know for certain, but it's worth a try.While this list is not exhaustive, it does give an interesting look into the reasons why people lie and may help to ease a difficult situation.
If you can determine that your spouse lies about his whereabouts not because he is cheating on you, but simply because he doesn't want to get in trouble for working late again, this should give you peace of mind
If you decide that your teen is lying because she feels restricted by your rules, you could possibly discuss allowing her more freedom and you will likely receive more respect in return.
It is important to keep in mind that people who lie don't always do so to hurt your feelings.