Commentary OpinionTHE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION
The donkey party's God-sized 'mistake'
Exclusive: Barry Farber uses his bag of jokes to interpret platform-amendment debacle
By Barry Farber
Published September 11, 2012 at 8:06pm
It's time to thank certain members of the Democratic Party for words and deeds of theirs that gave me joy. Most Americans who feel as I do about today's Democrats didn't get anything close to "joy" from those particular words and deeds, but some of them reincarnated old jokes; they brought some great old goodies literally back to life, and they deserve recognition.
Illinois Sen. Dick Durbin leads the parade. When Fox's Bret Baier asked him why the Democrats deleted all references to God in their party platform, Durbin went to war. He nastily accused Bret and Fox of trying to portray Democrats as godless people who want to throw Israel under the bus. "God is not a Republican franchise," thundered Durbin. And throughout the senator's rant, Bret Baier kept calmly repeating, "I'm just asking why God was omitted from your platform."
OK, Sen. Durbin may have committed a childish outburst, but he revitalized a joke that hasn't been heard since 1935. A group of American reporters were visiting the pre-war Communist Paradise, and their handler was showing off the fabled Moscow subway system, truly the most luxurious in the world; every subway station a veritable art palace. "How does this palace compare to your filthy, noisy, unattractive stations in New York?" beamed the Communist guide. One of the American reporters asked, "Where are the trains?" The guide shot him a dirty glance.
"Please notice the ornate tile-work in the floor and ceiling. The gold, silver, platinum and, yes, even jade, make this one single station wealthier than the two African kingdoms of Rwanda and Burundi combined."
"Where are the trains?" repeated one of the American reporters. The dirty glance got dirtier.
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"Indeed," continued the guide, "Soviet citizens who aren't even going anyplace come to these stations just to gain inspiration and re-energize their love and appreciation for the Communist Fatherland."
"But where are the trains?" came the insistent American reporter's question.
And that did it. The Communist guide pulled a "Durbin" and shouted, "What do you mean, 'Where are the trains?' What about the Negroes in the South?"
The Democratic Party chairwoman, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, was caught in a blazing lie and accused Philip Klein of the Washington Examiner of deliberating misquoting her. Schultz acidulously added, "It's not surprising that a conservative publication like that would deliberately misquote me." Klein promptly produced the audio tape proving Schultz had said exactly what he said she'd said. The Washington Post then did its part, awarding Schultz four Pinocchios, leaving Debbie Wasserman Schultz in the fix of the Georgia politician presented on the courthouse steps with bull-proof and pig-tight evidence of his thievery from the highway fund. After looking at each of the four pages, he threw his shoulders back, thrust his chin into the air and declared, "I will not dignify a fact of this nature with a fraudulent denial!" And he walked off.
Thanks to the entire Democratic Party for the unbelievable hash they make of eliminating any mention of God from its platform. Jerusalem was also dis-fellowshipped as the capital of Israel, as far as American Democrats are concerned. The reversal of those bull's-eyes in both feet was done about as Democratically as Hitler's Reichstag's ratification of the Nuremberg Laws.
Charles Lane of the Washington Post, appearing with the Fox All-Stars, discussing the Democratic convention, casually dismissed the Democrats' "God-Jerusalem" upscuddle as a "mistake"! A mistake! That takes us to the public affairs director of South Carolina's Fort Jackson who got a call from an aristocratic-sounding woman who explained she was headmistress of an exclusive girls' finishing school near Charleston, and could he please provide 60 of his finest cadets to escort her graduates to the cotillion in early June.
"I think we might be able to accommodate you, Ma'am," replied the colonel.
The woman had a shopping list. Summer dress uniforms. All men at least six feet tall. And, she added, "These are all fine young flowers of womanhood from the cream of Southern society. So please, Colonel, if you don't mind, no Jews!" The colonel agreed.
On the appointed evening the khaki army bus pulled up to the colonnaded façade of the exclusive girls' school and out marched 60 tall, immaculately spit-and-polished, crew-cut and handsome young soldiers in impeccably creased uniforms; every single one looking like a recruiting poster and every single one of them black. The woman answered the door and went almost immediately into mild cardiac arrest. "Who … who are you?" she stammered and stumbled. "There must be some mistake!"
"Oh, no, Ma'am," said the black sergeant. "Colonel Ginsberg doesn't make mistakes!"
And neither did whoever removed God and Jerusalem from the Democratic platform.
And that Democratic "mistake" puts God in the same position as the president of the corporation, lying in the hospital, who gets a letter from the chairman of the board saying, "I've been authorized by the board of directors to wish you a speedy recovery; by vote of five-to-four!"
Congratulation, God! You made it back onto the platform after only three voice votes.
We knew You had it in You!
Barry Farber
Barry Farber is a pioneer in talk radio, first beginning his broadcast in 1960. "The Barry Farber Show" is heard weeknights 8 to 9 p.m. Eastern time. An accomplished author, Farber's latest book is "Cocktails with Molotov: An Odyssey of Unlikely Detours."
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