By Odds in my favour
Today, I put out a public ad for a dancing buddy. No pictures, just a brief description of what I was looking for. A guy answered and we started chatting. The more he revealed, the more familiar he sounded. Yep! That's him! My stalker from 10 years ago. Guess I have to move. FML
Clocked
By seriously? - United States - Manassas
Today, I discovered that my dad still doesn't consider my career as an app developer a "real job". FML
By don'tdrinkthat - United States - Quincy
Today, I came home to find my 14-year-old son attempting to get drunk off aftershave. FML
By thisisme - Canada
Today, I was on a plane. When my flight attendant brought me my drink, it had a lid and a straw. He told me, very seriously, "not to spill." No one else got a lid. I'm 18, and apparently I look spill-prone. FML
By FootInMyMouth - United States - Miami
Today, a customer brought his cat in to be euthanized. I told him to "have a nice day" as he was leaving. FML
By deven - United States
Today, I saw a fight so I went over to try and break it up. Someone thought I wanted to join in, so he gave me an unexpected whap in the happy sacks, and I also got a bloody nose for my troubles. FML
By Rman - United States
Today, I got a letter confirming I had dropped out of college. I received this letter shortly after completing the 10th essay I had finished this week as a result of me deciding to finally apply myself to my schoolwork. Turns out that while dropping a class, I checked Drop All instead of Drop 1. FML
By apparentlyhesbusy - United States
Today, my boyfriend of almost a year invited me over to dinner at his house. Before leaving, I called him to let him know I was on my way. Just as he begins to tell me he'll call me back, I hear another girl in the background say, "Why don't you just tell her you're busy?" FML
By Anonymous - Australia
Today, I finally found the words to describe how I felt after 2 years of depression. I asked on Yahoo Answers what I should do next. The most 'helpful' answer told me to go on a picnic. FML
By Anonymous - Israel - Netanya
Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me with two different guys. Her incredibly moving excuse was that she was getting "more experience" so she could please me better. FML
By AJL - United States
Today, I parked my motorcycle in a parking spot. When I came back, my bike had been moved and was laying on its side with a note saying, "Sorry I dropped your motorcycle I was trying to move it forward so I could park my car because there weren't any other spots." FML
Today, I was hiking down a steep hill, and I slipped. I instinctively grabbed the nearest object to me: a very prickly cactus. FML
By ===== - Pakistan - Karachi
Today, the sewage pipe busted on the side of our house, spew fecal matter and the condoms I recently flushed. My parents now refuse to talk to me, and won't let my girlfriend anywhere near the house. FML
By uni life - Australia - Perth
Today, whilst working in a pharmacy, I was given the pleasure of listening to an old lady share the details of what she sticks up her vagina. FML
Today, I was picking my daughter up at day care. She was outside playing kick ball. A red ball rolls over to me, and trying to impress the kids, I kicked it over the slide. I turn around to see three crying six year olds. It was their hamster ball. FML
By argh - United States
Today, after going to the doctor to have him look at a rash on my man bits, I asked him how to get rid of the redness. He shrugged and said: "Don't worry, nobody will see it other than you and me." He's right. FML
Today, my brother and I were talking about Ebola, when he says he would love to have the disease because of how famous it would make him. Plus, his college essays about him "fighting through the disease" would be "phenomenal". FML
By Kyle
Today, I celebrated my 30th birthday by accidentally knocking my fiancée's tooth out with her glass as she tried to a sip. FML
Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend, some of my friends decided to take me to a comedy club for a girls night. My friend's jealous husband decided he had to come along, then decided to invite my other friends' boyfriends. I ended up being the seventh wheel on a night meant to cheer me up. FML
By EnemyofKarma - Canada
Today, I marched into my workplace yelling "take this job and shove it", under the impression I would be on a flight in a few days out of here. However, the airline has informed me I cannot fly until April because cargo is too cold for my dog this time of year. Jobless, four weeks to wait. FML
By whatever - United States
Today, I was on a third date with a girl. Things had been going really well. At one point, the conversation lulled. After a moment of silence, she asked me what my greatest fantasy was. I told her that it was being a superhero. She told me that she meant sexual fantasy. I'm 25. FML
By micahmatt - United States
Today, I found out why my 20 year-old girlfriend broke up with me. She was building everything she did to match her favorite TV show. The main character left her boyfriend in the exact way she left me. And the breakup email she sent me contained monologue from the TV show, word for word. FML
By RectalSteve - United Kingdom - Belfast
Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML
By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn
Today, I found out that my roommate secretly edited a paper I wrote and recently turned in, so that it repeatedly refers to the famed author "Kneel Gayman." I'm positive that's not how it's spelled. FML
By lastalittlelonger - United States
Today, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from all the sex we were having. We had sex for two minutes. FML
By TerribleAddiction - United States
Today, I decided to quit smoking. My wife conveniently decided on the same day that she was going to start smoking. FML
Today, as any other work day, I sat down for lunch. Unfortunately, the door to the toilet is right next to where I sit. Every time a colleague uses the toilet, I hear everything, which puts me off my lunch. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me telling me I have problems communicating and that I didn't understand her. When I asked her why she didn't talk to me about this before she said "I didn't want to talk about it." FML
By GetAnotherRoomAlready - United States - Singapore
Today, I woke up at 2 AM to the sounds of my roommate and his girlfriend on Skype, playing a game of, "No, I love YOU more, baby, schmoopy schmoopy schmoopy schmoo". It went on for around half an hour. FML
By MyChemicalRomantic - 31/3/2020 02:00
Not that handy
Today, I found out that I can never go to my local cinema again. Not just because of the current lockdown, no. The guy I gave an embarrassing, drunken hand job at a party to works there. FML
By Doctor!
Today, I found that I have a rare side effect to the hydrocodone prescribed after surgery. One pill keeps me up for almost 24 hours. Either I'm in tremendous pain and try to sleep, or I'm not in much pain and stay awake. I can't win. FML
By XLhottie - United States
Today, I was at Target trying on swimsuits. I tried on a medium bottom and was so excited because it fit perfectly even though I've gained a few pounds. My self-esteem was at an all-time high until my mom told me I could never fit into a medium. I rechecked the tag. It was an extra large. FML
By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cardiff
Today, I've spent nearly three weeks indulging my boyfriend's weird fetish, where he wears a hockey mask and I call him Jason. He just confessed it isn't really a fetish for him and that was just fucking with me. He's already told all his friends. I'm humiliated. FML
By CH - United States
Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML
By Anonymous - United States - Reno
Today, I spent well over an hour waiting for customer service to assist me with my forgotten password, only to realize, 5 minutes into the conversation, that I had never created an account in the first place. FML
By Urinator - United Kingdom - Inchture
Today, I invited a girl back to my house and she seemed cool. I then left to go to the toilet. When I came back, there was a giant wet patch on the rug. The girl then blamed it on my dog, whose picture is on the wall. My dog died last week. FML
By AZN656 - Australia
Today, I found out my brother blew chunks into the inside of my jeans. How did I find this out? I put them on. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend chooses extra shifts at work over hanging out with me. Every time. She doesn't even like her job. FML
Today, my annoying and disrespectful roommate discovered Pandora. She also discovered that she can play Christmas music on Pandora. Only 23 more days until Christmas. FML
Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML
By Lonely
Today, I sent a question in a newspaper self-help column about how I often feel ignored. I quickly received a note advising me to not feel ignored, but due to the volume of questions, I would likely not receive a response. FML
By TotallyNotJeevas | 15
#7606125 - Friday 2 March 2018 5:26
Why would you have to move? Did you seriously put more info in the ad than just your mobile number?
By RichardPencil | 29
That's so adorable! You think he's your stalker from 10 years ago? He's always been your stalker!
Running away won't solve anything. The way to deal with a stalker is go out with him. Be dirty and smelly and be boring as hell. You'll never have to deal with him again.
By Mynxie | 26
#7605570 - Thursday 1 March 2018 4:46
Did you use your personal cell number or an email that isn't linked to anything of importance? I'm so sorry he might have found you again. I have been dealing with a stalker on FB and it has spilled over to instagram. Stay strong and stay alert. Change any personal info you used of you can. And if you can't, abandon it.
Rabite | 28
Um, if he is still so obsessed that he tracked down her ad, he surely already knows where she is living/working/etc.
By user53658 | 15
#7607370 - Monday 5 March 2018 13:33
It's a thin line between a man who really wants to fight for you and a stalker.
befuddled455 | 9
#7608270 - Wednesday 7 March 2018 10:00
no means no. if a guy was 'fighting for her' when she didn't want him to, and he didn't back off, then it goes into stalking territory.
some men have this idea that if they're in love with a woman she owes it to them to love them back. this is so horrendously untrue.
stop. romanticising. stalking.
One is cute, the other is not,
Yeah well ask the creepy piano dude who got punched in the face for being creepy about it.
By pjsr | 32
There's no other answer; challenge him to a dance to the death!
bigdaddyeric | 30
#7611516 - Thursday 15 March 2018 8:04
You would know Pencil Dick, I mean Richard Pencil.....
By LAUGHINGKOMODO | 25
Be something he isn't expecting. He might change his mind and leave, but make sure you always got someone you can trust with you while with him.
By thatslifeiguess7 | 15
if you knew you have a stalker why wouldn't you use a throw away phone?
MadiGirl24 | 18
From ten years ago, they probably thought this person wasn't an issue for them anymore.
By Lobby_Bee | 17
I guess you guys are meant to be together. Can't run from fate.
By ARISKomuniszt | 24
The Stalker became the Talker...