Temper Jokes
What do you call an unvaccinated 3 year old having a temper tantrum?
A mid-life crisis.
A doctor was sued for malpractice due to his horrible temper
Needless to say, that was the day he lost all of his patients.
A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,
"Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!" All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. "I'm sorry," he says. "What I meant to say was half o...
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler's outbursts a "temper tantrum."
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
Why did the doctor lose his temper?
Because he didn't have any patients.
Did you hear the one about Hitler's temper?
He was Fuhrerious.
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "l have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water a...
Historically, the Inuit are one of the few groups of people who never lose their temper. After decades of research, scientists were able to figure out why...
They're nomads.
You guys see that new hairy guy who started last week?? Moving slow, bad temper, and you can't understand a word he's saying..
C'mon guys, take it easy on him.. He'll get it soon enough, he's still just a Wookie..
I don't understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.
I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.
"Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"
A woman ask her therapist about her husband's temper
The therapist asks, "What's the problem?"
The woman replies, " I don't know what to do. My husband loses his temper everyday for no reason and it is starting to scare me."
The therapist advises, "I think I know a solution. When your husband starts getting angry, just take a gulp of wat...
What is the keyboard shortcut to becoming an idiot who throws temper tantrums like a child?
Alt-right.
My daughter was throwing one of her temper tantrums when she shouted at me...
"Well sorry for being born!"
I looked her straight in the eyes and said, "It's all right, just don't do it again."
People say Frankenstein's monster had a temper,
but actually he was surprisingly level headed.
There was a train conductor with a bad temper.
He would be angry all the time, being snarky and yelling at people, just aggressive in general. One day, a young girl was trying to board the train right at departure time, and being the man he was, the conductor started the train and she fell under and died. The man was taken to court, and sentence...
My manager at the millinery has a really short temper
I mean he gets really angry at the drop of a hat!
Nude marathon
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump o...
Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:
I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...
An elderly couple died in a car crash
They had been in excellent health for years through taking regular exercise and also because the wife was obsessed with eating health foods, keeping a strict watch on both of their diets.
So when St Peter welcomed them to Heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-class relaxation ...
A guy is enjoying a nice cold beer in a bar when out of nowhere...
A clearly drunk old man walks over and says to him "Hey boy! Guess what! I saw your little sister naked! Wotcha gonna do about it pussy?"
The guy says "Nothing. Go and sit down and leave me alone."
10 minutes later the old man comes back and says "Oy young fella! I once touched your Gr...
[NSFW] Go home...
Bill the Giant, who's known to be a cruel brawler with a short temper sits at the bar.
A drunk, skin-and-bone old guy approaches Bill and grins, saying "I fucked your mom and it was so good."
People at the bar quickly move away not to be in the way of Bill's wrath but strangely, Bill s...
Anna Kournikova is approached by her agent with one last career option.
He explains that with her youthful looks behind her, her best option is to take a training shoe endorsement she has been offered. She'll only need to model the footwear from the legs down, and give them use of her name.
She's reluctant because years of top level tennis gave her leg muscles wh...
After a brief, bloodless gunfight,
Prickly Bob and his Saddlesore Gang have managed to capture Dan Hollings, Deputy of Tombstone. Prickly Bob, not wanting a murder warrant on his head, has decided to let the desert take care of his latest problem with the law.
Now, I won't lie to you. Alone and buried up to his chin in red des...
A blonde rear-ended a sports car...
A blonde was driving and accidentally rear-ended a sports car. It wasn't much damage but it was enough to give the sports car a dent and scratched paint.
A large man got out of the sports car and was red with rage. He yelled at the blonde to get out of her car. She did, and the man drew a cir...
A man goes to confession after a round of golf...
Man: Father, I took the Lord's name in vain while out golfing today.
Priest: That's ok, my son, golf is a frustrating sport, and we all slip up from time to time.
Man: No, no, I would really feel better if I could atone for my sin.
Priest: Well then by all means, tell my what happened.
A guy and his dog walk into a bar.
The guy asks the bartender: "My dog can speak. Can I get a free beer if he speaks with you?"
"Sure", the bartender said, not believing the guy.
"Okay, dog", says the guy." What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!", the dog answers.
"That's not speaking, that's ju...
A man runs a well-known bakery. One day, a kid enters his bakery.
"Hello, sir. Do you have spinach pies?"
"I'm sorry, buddy... I don't have them right now..." - said the man.
The kid leaves. On the next day, 2 kids enter the bakery.
"Hello, sir." - say the kids at unison - "Do you have spinach pies?"
"Sorry, kids, I'm afraid I don't hav...
One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...
... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.
"Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?"
My wife went shopping and we got into a fight
My wife went shopping and we got into a fight when she came home.
She spent $1000 on a bag of pasta. I couldn't believe it, and I lost my temper.
But she reassured me that it would be worth every penne.
A guy rents a hotel room and hires a prostitute to meet him there.
Being quite shy, he turns the light off, leaving the room lit only by the faint glow of the moon through the blinds.
There is a *knock* on the door, and sitting on the edge of the bed, already aroused in anticipation, he says, "It's open. Come in and leave the light off". She enters and stra...
Men are like steel
They're useless when they lose their temper
A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...
As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.
At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...
Jack rings the boss one Friday and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick"
so the boss says OK and Jack turns up as normal on Monday. Next Friday though Jack rings in again and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick". This pattern repeats every week for a couple of months and eventually the boss calls Jack into his office and asks him what's the matter.
"Well...
A man goes to confession at his local church...
He sits in the confessional box and begins to confess his sins.
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. This week, I took the Lord's name in vain."
"Tell me what happened, my son" replied the priest
"Well, Father. I was out golfing on Wednesday afternoon and I'd been playing a gre...
Why did the sword's wife leave him?
He had quite the temper.
A woman is standing in line at a grocery store...
In front of her is a granddad and his young grandson. The kid goes "I WANT THAT CANDY NOW!" as he swings his arms around. The grandfather says "James, calm down or you're gonna hit someone."
A while later the kid goes "GIVE ME THAT TOY NOW!". His grandfather says "James, just be patient."
[Original joke] [Long] A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic with ice. The bartender nods and prepares the drink. A few moments later, he hands the man a glass of gin and tonic, with no ice. The man notices and points out the mistake to the bartender.
The bartender smiles. "Sorry, I had to remove the ic...
A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player...
...and one day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job.
The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.
As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had eve...
Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 20% off.
Edit: Wow. So to all you humorless twats getting offended over a joke, I heard this while visiting my grandmother in the hospital. The Jewish woman (who was probably a little senile) that shared a room with her told me th...
A kid named Arthur is hired...
at a supermarket. He preferred Artie, so that was put on his name tag. He was a pretty good worker, but he had a short temper.
Artie is bagging an order for a rich older couple and offers to take it to their car. They accept, and he pushes the cart out. He loads the bags into their trunk...
A Man is driving down the road with his...
A man is driving down the road with his wife in the passenger seat when he gets pulled over by the cops. The police officer comes up to the car and says "Sir. You were going 65 in a 55, I'm going to have to give you a ticket for that." To which the wife replies "He was going at least 70!" The man ...
An Old guy sits at a bar and starts drinking...
...he drinks and drinks until he is quite drunk...
Then a HUGE and very menacing looking guy enters the bar and sits next to the old drunk guy and asks for a beer... after a while the old guy turns to the huge fellow and spurts out:
-"you know... i fucked your mother"
The bar...
An unfortunate fast-food visit.
A guy walks into a fast-food restaurant. As soon as he goes in he slips and falls down, everyone laughs at him. The guy doesn't seem to give it that much of a deal and proceeds to wait at the line. There are 2 people in front of him which shouldn't take time. After the people are done ordering, the ...
A man brought his son to a grocery store...
A man brought his son to a grocery store, but as soon as they walked in the store the young child began to throw a temper tantrum. While they went down each aisle the child would yell, throw items in and out of the cart, and overall just be an annoyance.
Despite the scene his son was causing, the...
There was once a marching band director named James
James had a passion for music, but also a notoriously bad temper. One day during practice, one of his trombone players kept playing out of tune. After the third time yelling at him, James decided to come down and beat him over the head with the trombone, and James ended up killing him. The trial was...
Texas Three Kick Rule.
A lawyer from California was duck hunting between a lake, and a farm.
The Lawyer was a bad shot, and scared all the ducks into the air. One finally landed on the fence of the farm across from the lake. The lawyer took aim, and fired. The duck keeled over and fell onto the dirt on the farm's s...
[Long] So I had a friend who was really into video games...
...For the sake of preserving his anonymity, I'll call him "Vidya". My pal Vidya was a really nice guy. His politics erred on the side of backwards from time to time, sure, and he had this really short, hair-trigger temper. But he was mostly a chill dude. He used to throw video game and pizza partie...
What is the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump?
One is a cartoon character with a hot temper and the other is a duck.
An angry man makes pots for a living.
He works all day in his pottery making pots. When he leaves, he slams the door and grumbles home.
At home he demands his dinner, and then reads the paper. Every night his loving wife nags him that his temper will get him in trouble.
Sure enough one day on his way home he bumps into a w...
So the other day I was walking from the sports field with a bag of 100 tennis balls...
That's a big bag, but I managed to carry it. However, unbeknownst to me, it was dragging over the ground, and eventually caught on a sharp piece of kerb, and ripped open. All 100 tennis balls falling out, ending up everywhere. Really annoying. I had to get all of them back individually and only retr...
Which candy is the angriest?
Temper mints.
A man is charged and sent to court, but nobody will tell him what he's been charged for.
He sits down and the judge starts with the legal proceedings. After he is finished, the man asks "What are you charging me for?!"
The judge gives him an odd look and continues with the court case. Once again the man exclaims "But judge, what am I being charged for?!"
The judge gives a ...
Comic-Con Mysteries Panel
A friend of mine went to Comic-Con in San Diego a few years back, and attended a panel on mystery books and movies. Authors and actors there, a large panel, nearly 20 people. Most of the cast of the Sherlock Holmes movies and a few Agatha Christie adaptation were there. One of the audience members a...
Pilot Choice
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Sudde...
Its the age of sailing ships and a prospective Captain in training is taking his final exam at the Royal Naval Academy
"Alright" says the Admiral giving him his examination, "Here's the scenario - your close to the shore, and a massive bout of wind is driving your ship unstoppably towards the rocks, what do you do?"
"Well id probably attach a few reserve sails to the starboard side and see if i could turn...
A man dies and goes to heaven
...and when he gets to the pearly gates, St. Peter says "Come, good sir, tell me how you died, so I may deem whether you deserve to enter eternal paradise."
The man replies "Alright, I'm not proud of it, but here goes. I lived in Washington, D.C. I had a beautiful wife, and lived on the seve...
Nelson Mandela...
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in...
A blind man goes into a restaurant...
A blind man goes into a restaurant and sits down at a table. He orders something to drink and says to the waiter "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?"
The waiter replies, "Well, actually sir, I am a blonde. And there is a man just over at the bar who is an ex-con with a violent streak and he i...
The Boss With No Ears
A successful businessman owns his own company. While he is quite accomplished, he has a very short temper, especially regarding his physical deformity - he was born with no ears.
He is holding interviews with potential new employees. The first interviewee has pretty good credentials, and his ...
Strange Punishment
Little Johnnie, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnnie. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of though...
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