U students elated about gun decision
By By I.M. Postal
By I.M. Postal
Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks.
The verdict is in-the Utah State Legislature's new bill to overturn the U's ban on concealed weapons is a huge hit with students.
"Yah-f***in-hoo, man! I knew this day would come," exclaimed John Boner, a U sophomore in business. Boner and his friends celebrated in a nearby field last Saturday with a few cases of Colt 45 and enough bullets to shoot into the night's sky for hours.
Boner's excitement resonated throughout the U campus where, for so long, students were denied the fundamental, God-given right to carry a weapon.
The state Legislature, in a bold and progressive move, realized this glaring injustice and remedied the situation.
"I declare today a victory for rednecks and paranoids everywhere," said James Filmore, a junior and member of the National Rifle Association. "Before, I would sit in a class lecture, you know, uneasy-people looking at me and s***. Now that I am packing heat, I feel at ease."
Charlton Heston, NRA spokesman, could not be reached for comment. However, sources close to Heston say that he was "elated to actual arousal" with news of the Legislature's decision.
Clark Monroe, a professor of psychology at the U, was less excited about the news.
"I just don't see the need for guns on campus, especially on a campus as safe as ours," he said.
(Yeah, what a pu***.)
"The Legislature's decision could not have come at a better time," Jen Kingsley, a senior in communication, said. "This was one of the biggest issues facing our state. I mean, who knows what could have happened without guns on campus?"
In these uncertain times, it is especially important that students and professors are allowed to carry concealed weapons.
"There is no DMZ anymore," said Harrison Brickman, a U junior. "You could easily confuse a jacked-up Jeep with an armored vehicle."
For some students, the mean streets between Marriott Library and the Union provide reason enough to pack heat.
"Screw mace," said Marie Cooper, a law student at the U. "If some guy attacks me, I won't kick him in the nuts, I'll shoot him in the nuts."
Anticipating the popularity of guns with the U's female students, the Roxy clothing company has already come out with Hawaiian-print holsters (they match your seat covers!) and colorful gun/cell phone holders. The Honda Civic has also jumped on the bandwagon-the new 2005 model (available only in Utah and Wyoming) will come complete with a "gun holder"-so you will never fumble for your weapon in your vehicle.
Some whiney types on campus worry that guns could potentially go off accidentally-citing some statistic (probably from Michael Moore-what a crackpot!) about guns being more likely to kill or injure the person that carries one than to protect them against attack.
"Screw that," Josh Tyler, an undeclared senior, said. "If someone gets hurt accidentally, then hey-that's the price you pay for freedom."
When U student Jake Handren was asked why he carried a gun, he simply said, "In case any sh** goes down." That's reason enough for anyone, really.
Former U President Bernie Machen, who fought to keep guns off campus for years, had this to say about the Legislature's decision: "I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to get out of this wack-ass state." He then yelled, "I'm rich, biatch!" and drove away.
Who needs him? No-good, Godless, un-American gun hater.
"My vote for the next U president?" Handren said. "What's Heston got going on these days?"