Congress Approves 1.6bn To Build Wall Between Kushner and Trump
Max Inisder
Our sworn journalistic rivals Axios.com reported yesterday that Trump's lawyers wanted a "wall between Kushner and Trump"--but we have scooped them by revealing before anyone that the GOP-controlled congress has moved aggressively on this request! TAKE THAT JONATHAN SWAN!! TAKE THAT!!
With the new revelations about Donald Trump Jr.'s attempt to receive incriminating information on Clinton from a hostile foreign power, Congress has passed a resolution appropriating funds to build a massive wall between Jared Kushner and president Donald Trump. This wall, planned at the request of Mr. Trump's desperate lawyers, would be over fifty feet high and include drone and heat-signature surveillance in an attempt to stop the president's son-in-law, Mr. Kushner, from contacting the president.
Speaking with a senior member of congress who weighed in off the record, but rhymes with Witch McDonnell, we were told that "Since the president won't listen to his lawyers and seems intent on running the crisis control team without any expertise or, indeed, intelligence, we have no choice but to construct a physical barrier between the president and his son in law. At least until we can get another SCOTUS appointment and maybe sign in a big-ass tax cut? I mean, c'mon--we won the whole fucking thing here. Can we at least get one goddamn bill through before we have to go with Plan-Pence??"
For his part, Jared Kushner has lawyered up and refused (intelligently) to speak--but our sources inside his firm's secretarial pool said that Jared was being advised to "spread the culpability around" to improve the chances of a "large, blanket pardon" should Muller hit "pay-dirt." This involved blabbing about his Russian-powered data operation to any senior staffers who would listen and leaking the emails about Donald Trump Junior to the New York Times.
"See, if everyone knows then everyone can get prosecuted," said an underpaid source with a masters degree from Brown who handles filing for Kushner's legal defense team. "I think he's been slipping messages under Matthis' door at night. Ivanka is protected by spousal privilege but he's been told to entangle her in aiding-and-abetting to get her on the docket too."
For his part, Roger Stone, a confidant of Trump noted that it was an open secret that Kushner had leaked the emails. Claiming he would not reveal the name but "Their initials are J.K." However, after drinking a beer we had laced with Xanax, Stone conceded that "It was golden-boy Kushner. God Ivanka's hot--WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE SEE IN HIM? HE'S AN EMPTY SHIRT!!"
See Axios? We can get scoops too! Ha!