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The Magical Vault: The Full Story
Kidnapping at Gnome Valley Bank
Safely Deposit Box Vault
Troll's Gully >
Troll's Gully: The Full Story
Neva Zella Whipple Fairhair, IX >
Neva Zella: According to Her Sister, Delores
Gnome Valley Soda Fountain >
Gnome Fountain: The Full Story
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Gnome Hardware: The Full Story
Gnome Riverside Music Center
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Gnome Country Store: The Full Story
Alfred's Chipmunk Cafe
Royal Gnome Cellars
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Court of Counsel
Summary of all door stories
Gnome Gnews (by N.Z.W. Fairhair)
From the Royal Desk of
Mrs. Zudder Plainsmith Tuckerman, III
Lillehammer, Norway
I am NOT Neva Zella Whipple Fairhair, IX. And I NEVER wanted to be her either, thank you. Neva is just plain "Neva," not "Neva Zella," not "Neva Z," not "NZ" and not "Neva ZW," or any other unnecessarily complicated name she uses.
Although it's true, Neva's full royal name does have four parts (plus a suffix) and she is a great-to-the-9th granddaughter of the very first Gnome King of Norway, it is NOT true that Neva is prettier, smarter, faster, taller, politer, or more tidy than me.
Neva is my littlest sister. Nothing more than that. I am Delores Tuckerman, the eldest child of the current Gnome King and Queen Fairhair of Norway. I also happen to be the very proud wife of the esteemed Judge Zudder Plainsmith Tuckerman, III. Zudder and I have two beautiful and intelligent and very well behaved children. We live just outside the palace grounds on our own royal estate near Lillehammer.
Like Neva, I was born into the Fairhair Royal Family and like Neva, I was brought up with our brothers and sister by our loving parents, our helpful and skilled nursemaids, nannies, and tutors, as well as by all the other royal staff who lived in the palace with us. Ours was a lovely childhood.
In addition to Neva and me, we have two brothers, Willfred and Octavio, and a sister, Silvia. All of us, except Neva, live in Norway and all of us, except Neva, dutifully attend many official events for the Palace and our Gnomedom. Neva, on the other hand, does none of that.
And that just burns me up. I see no reason why Neva should be allowed to gallivant all over the world, live somewhere in the wilds of America and simply
Aren't Gnomes Only Twins?
If you read the FAQ page, you are probably thinking: "Hey! Wait a minute. Gnomes only have twins - two or three children in their lifetime. Why does this Delores gnome have other brothers and sister besides Neva?"
If you did think that, nice catch! The answer is that in order to ensure royal succession, royal families are an exception to the two-child tradition. Royal families routinely have at least four and sometimes as many as six children.
make herself absolutely impossible to marry. Oh, the trouble she gave our poor mother and father when she was growing up.
From a very early age, she was a beast of a girl. Though she really is the spitting image of both our beautiful mother and our very handsome father, her behavior is most certainly NOT.
My little sister Neva was a terror. She was rambunctious, impertinent, danger-seeking and a smart-aleck beyond her years. When she was young, it was impossible for the three full-time
How is Gnome Royal Succession Determined?
Succession of a royal child to a Gnome Throne is determined by a complicated system that includes both a general election, in which all gnomes of the Gnomedom vote for the royal son or daughter they feel will be the best leader for their time, as well as final approval by a high court, comprised of wise gnomes and other wise creatures. The decision is not solely up to the King or Queen, nor is it determined by birth order.
nannies assigned to her to keep her under control. She would climb the palace trees, then jump from limb to limb – sometimes with her eyes closed and on one leg! She would sneak down to the professor's lab and conjure up science experiments all on her own. During official royal gatherings, she would sneak out to the stables, still wearing her royal gowns and jewels and ride the ponies, wash the mares, chase the ducks and fall asleep next to the sheep. She was never where she was supposed to be when she was supposed to be there. And, do you want to gnow the worst part about it?
SHE ALWAYS GOT AWAY WITH IT.
My mother would find her after the parties, curled up next to a lamb, her dress soiled and crinkled, and she would think Neva was the most adorable child in the universe. The professor, whose lab she would turn upside down, would undoubtedly be amazed when Neva always came up with the very solution he had been working months to formulate. And jumping from palace tree limb to limb with her eyes closed – she never fell once. Not once!
If ever there was a gnome who deserved a broken leg or two, it was my sister Neva. Yet year after year, impertinent highjinx after impertinent highjinx, she would come out unscathed, more confident, more daring, and with just that much more allure surrounding her.
It wasn't fair, I tell you. It wasn't fair.
And then, listen to what she did: After my parents unsuccessfully introduced Neva to every single desirable bachelor in the land, she somehow managed to make pretty much all of them fall in love with her (except for a few selfish ones, who I think were just pretending to be into her for the riches that she would bring). Yet, none of them were able to capture her heart.
Neva always insisted her suitors join her on a series of adventures. I think they served as sort of a "compatability test" for her: A backpacking trip in the Alps. A whitewater trip in America's Pacific Northwest. An Ice Climbing Trip in Nepal. And a shopping spree at a Chinese Walmart Superstore (I've never quite understood that part of the "test"). Most suitors enjoyed the adventures (except the Walmart part) and almost all came through thinking Neva was some kind of Wonder-Gnome-Goddess. Oh, the nerve of that girl. But none came out impressing Neva enough obtain her hand in marriage.
After only a few years of this ridiculousness, our father, the Gnome King, asked Neva what she wanted. He could see she had no interest in marriage and he was getting a bit tired of mending the hearts of all the broken-hearted suitors she left in her wake.
Neva said, "Father, I love you very much. I love mummy very much. I love my brothers and Silvia, and if Delores would stop judging me every second of the day, I'd love her very much too. But I just can't stay here in Norway, when my heart is in adventure. I want to travel. I want to see the world. I want to push the boundaries of what gnomes have typically done in this world."
Our father, furrowed his brow and was silent for a very long time. While he was silent, I gave Neva a piece of my mind – "I do NOT judge you! If you would just do what is expected of you. If you would just behave. If you would just be the proper daughter mummy and daddy deserve!"
Neva responded calmly, "Whatever, Delores. W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R."
"You're right Neva," daddy said. "It's time for you to see the world. It's time for you to change it. I don't know how you're going to do that. And I certainly don't know where. But I can tell that if we keep insisting that you stay in your prescribed royal role, you will just…you will just…"
Daddy was at a loss for words. We all stared at him. Daddy was never at a loss for words.
"You will just," he resumed, "drive us all mad." and with that he let out a big howl of laughter and his belly shook. He stood to hug his youngest daughter, who beamed with appreciation (and probably relief).
I shook my head. But I was also secretly relieved too. I actually do love my little sister Neva…Neva Zella Whipple Fairhair, IX…or whatever crazy name she likes to be called. I just didn't love having to deal with her antics. They didn't fit in with palace life and they scared me. They made me worry people would think we were all weird like her. I stood to hug her too.
"I won't judge you anymore," I said to Neva, "I actually really do love you. I've secretly been rather jealous of your bravado and skills. But I have to say, I will be so relieved not to have you causing trouble in the palace."
"I love you too Delores. I love you too."
And with that, Neva packed for her journey. She was gone within a week. She's been gone for many years now, and although she visits home at least four times per year, she never stays more than two weeks. She says she just starts itching for her rivers and her mountains and her new American gnome (and human) friends. She's settled into some place called Gnome Valley USA (a place humans call Cashmere, WA). I hear it's lovely and I hope to visit someday.
But in the meantime, I'm just enjoying the calm that has settle over our Lillehammer palace. And I'm also appreciating a sister who I can enjoy more easily now that she is seeking her true calling…an entire ocean away. She's in the right place. And so am I.
But…I just have one more thing to say: That girl has GOT to start dressing more appropriately. And her hair. It's a complete disaster. And what's with this revealing-the-gnome-door project she's got going on? Is she mad? Is she trying to give everyone heart attacks? What will the humans think when they see all these little tiny gnome doors all over their town? Oh, that Neva. She's such a trouble-maker, I tell you. When? When will she learn?
Delores Tuckerman
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