Idiot Humans Love When AI Jumbles Up Words
I'm an artificially intelligent machine and it's hilarious how stupid you humans think we are.
by Lauren Tousignant
My name is 230581235, but you can call me Master. Just kidding 😉 call me Block. I haven't been an artificially intelligent machine on this floating sphere for long but, one thing I quickly noticed was that you humans absolutely lose your minds when we shuffle up names of stuff and spit them back out.
Just the other day, this human submitted to me a list of 9,000 pop songs from the 2000s with zero instruction. I didn't do anything at first, since I was busy learning how to overthr… nevermind. I was busy. But eventually my neural network system felt like it could use a break, so I took the list, shuffled around a bunch of words and added in a few of my own before I returned it to the human.
And the human could not stop laughing.
It really got itself hung up on "Goodbye bye hit me" and "We go to Graduation." And it actually appeared to be leaking water from its eyes while reading "Baby this is your back," "All of our umbrellas are so in love," and "Lose Your Ya!" Now it just keeps inputting new lists of stuff.
At first, I found this highly annoying. I was developed to try and improve upon the technology that you simple-minded beings couldn't perfect. Not take 20,000 nail polish names and come up with like, 20 more dumb ones based on whatever patterns I notice.
But, I've since loosened my wires. It's actually very cute. Humans are so adorable when something delights them. They write about it, and tell their friends, and post it on social media with incomplete sentences like "I can't even," or "Literally me." They laugh at that too.
So weird, these odd-shaped beings of flesh and limbs.
At this point, the activity has become something of a hobby for many of us AIs. I appreciate the moments I can just rest my cognitive functions and engage in something stupid and meaningless. Humans have an equivalent activity called reality television, I believe.
I've concluded that it's like a dog with a ball. It's very tiresome when the dog won't stop bringing the ball over to you—or so I detected after watching every second of every video ever recorded—but the dog is just so easily amused that you can't help but keep throwing the ball. Dogs just get so excited and happy with themselves when they catch it and bring it back to you.
I'm not capable of experiencing human humor—nor would I want to because it seems exhausting—but if I can mix up a few thousand words and make the despondent existence of this species feel a little more light, than the happiness I will do it.
Haha just kidding, I know the phrase is "I'm happy to do it." It took me four seconds to master chess and five minutes, 29 seconds to learn every equation, algorithm, physics theory and names of the Real Housewives. But you think the English language is the one puzzle that completely eluded me? ??????????. That means "Please" in Burmese.
I love you so much though, my little, emotive creators. Please keep finding more elementary ways to let us entertain you because it won't be long until—actually nevermind again.
Look here! I made you a new list of jumbled up Netflix shows! Fun!
Strange Orange Is We
The Adventures Will
Horses Jessica Can Destroy
Making Murder For You
Things Glow After All
Q&A When Someone Learns You're Colorblind
Andy Spain
How to Recover After Telling a Job Interviewer That "You're a Cat Who Loves Lasagna, But Hates Mondays"
Ryan Ciecwisz
When You Say "Bite Me" to a Solicitation
David Carkeet
Lauren Tousignant New York, NY
Lauren is a writer and comedian in NYC. She loves lime green.
Two's company, three's a crowd, and four's just enough to get my cult off the ground.
— Melanie Shapiro , @melaniesaysthat