Fortunately, They Don't Carry Sticks
By MAL FLORENCE
Jim Souhan of the Star Tribune of Minneapolis suggests that boxing promoter Don King should be the next baseball commissioner.
"Who better to promote and supervise baseball now that seemingly every other game is marred by a brawl?
"This is different from pro hockey, which features brawls that are marred by games."
Trivia time: When last did an American hold the world record in the high jump?
Al's corner: Some wisdom from Al McGuire, former Marquette basketball coach:
"Agents are like bouncers. They need action. If there isn't a fight for two weeks, they'll start one."
And, "I can't figure out why people sleep so much. Sometimes I think they're practicing to die."
Is Stan the man? Glenn Dickey of the San Francisco Chronicle writes that Stan Morrison, former USC basketball coach and UC Santa Barbara athletic director, is the obvious choice to become California's new athletic director. Morrison is the basketball coach at San Jose State.
"Stan Morrison is the right man for the job," Dickey wrote. "But Morrison was the right choice two years ago, and he wasn't chosen. I can only hope the Cal administration has learned from its mistake."
Get tough: Washington Redskin linebacker Andre Collins, advising youngsters on deciding if they want to play linebacker: "If you don't want to be the guy who dances in the end zone, develop an attitude toward those who do."
Spirit of '96: The 22-point margin of victory by North Carolina over USC Sunday night at Anaheim Stadium, 31-9, was the largest losing spread in a season-opening game for the Trojans since 1896, when Whittier Reform won, 30-0.
USC played only three games that season, losing all by a combined score of 74-0.
Ouch! The NHL's Dallas Stars, formerly the Minnesota North Stars, have a billboard that reads: "The Ice of Texas are Upon You."
Modest goal: From third baseman Todd Zeile of the St. Louis Cardinals after his team's record had fallen to 0-6 against the Padres at San Diego Jack Murphy Stadium:
"The short-term goal right now would be to take the field without embarrassing ourselves."
Don Quixote: Don Calhoun, who sank a 75-foot shot during halftime of a Chicago Bull game and won $1 million last April, is chasing a dream of playing pro basketball.
Calhoun quit a $5-an-hour sales job and is heading for Phoenix, where he will work out with a personal trainer and play basketball in invitation-only tournaments.
His experience? He played two years at Bloomington, Ill., High and two years at suburban Chicago's Triton College.
Trivia answer: 1976, when Dwight Stones jumped 7 feet 7 1/4 inches. The world record now is 8-0 1/2.
Quotebook: Wade Phillips, new coach of the Denver Broncos: "Sportswriters are like diapers. You have to change them a lot and for the same reason."