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The Sin City BetBot Presents: A Pound of Hate
Fantasy Sharks December 16, 2005
Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50's (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot's wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
The Betbot's column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, "Typing is a dame's BZZZT job."
OK, the LVP votes have been tallied and we're ready to present the awards. I want to thank the shark tank for making such a large contribution – nearly 30 people voted for the LVP awards and had a big impact on exactly who gets to take home the …BZT… hardware. Before I get more e-mail this year about the awards, let me remind you that 1)I'm soaked in Gin right now and 2)You helped me pick these players. Just to review the award criteria:
Merrill Hoge LVP award (6) – awarded to the player who was the most disappointing fantasy player at his position – think high expectations, low return (like …BZZT… Hoge's prom night).
Here's how the votes get tallied: First, I take everyone's vote from the shark tank forums, based on this thread: https://www.fantasysharks.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=68319 . The forum votes at each position account for 15 points out of 60. To account for the other 45 points, I run my exclusive Jackpot™ algorithm three different times and each run allocates 15 points per position across a group of players. Jackpot™ was originally designed to set the lines for special all-star football events like the East-West game and the Pro Bowl. However, Dolfi re-programmed it to analyze the best and worst fantasy performers for the season, which is nice because I can use it to determine exactly which players were sucky enough to …BZZT… call themselves Merrill Hoge winners.
I'd explain more but, to be blunt, you wouldn't understand anyway. Let's just say that there isn't a more accurate LVP voting method in existence, and I mean that with all the sincerity of a drunken robot that tallied these up during happy hour at the …BZT… Kit Kat Klub on Wednesday night. Of course, you expect nothing less from the same website that brings you The Progno every week.
Before we get to the winners, let me remind you that I'm running my Royal Flush MVP voting this week, so check out the Main Tank in the forums for the MVP thread, and I'll be back next week with a couple of MVP winners!
On to the awards, I'm going to post the top 5 finishers in each race (with first place votes in parentheses) – for the full voting results see the LVP thread in the main tank.
Pct. Of Total
Culpepper (4)
Leftwich
Roethlisberger
This is about as easy as it gets when giving out …BZZT… hardware. Not only did Daunte Culpepper garner 44.5% of the total vote, he received all 4 first place votes, a veritable landslide of support. And can you really blame us? Culpepper was probably a first round pick in most leagues and he came out shooting more blanks than Tom Cruise. And then just when Culpepper owners were finally ready to sit him down for good, he mercifully ended his season with a severe …BZZZT… knee injury. He more than deserves to win this year's Merrill Hoge LVP Award at QB and has a great shot at winning the Grand Balloon Knot award in two weeks. Does anyone else cringe when they see his FedEx commercial? There hasn't been a reputation go this bad this quickly since America found out Howard Dean was nuts.
The shark tank had no problems throwing their support behind Culpepper, who garnered 78% of the forum vote, here's some choice quotes for you Daunte, thanks for ruining so many fantasy seasons!
Coalesce – "[Culpepper] sucked before injury, Brad Johnson turning the season around makes him look bad."
Dragonz20 – "[Culpepper] sucked when he was healthy and sucked when he was hurt."
Decktard – "[Culpepper's] injury was the highlight of the year… owners didn't have to agonize over the decision to start him anymore."
Well said gentlemen. You're good men, good bleeping men. The rest of the finalists were …BZT… busts, but nothing on the scale of Culpepper. Kerry Collins failed to live up to the lofty expectations that come with a Randy Moss infusion, and Trent Green, Donovan McNabb, Byron Leftwich, and Ben Roethlisberger all share a portion of third place. This was a year of QB surprises, and we all know surprises aren't always good. Just ask Joey 'Ice Pick' Vernini, he met an untimely …BZZZT… demise when he had a heart attack at his own surprise party. Three party planners were subsequently whacked, as they …BZT…say.
J.Lewis (3)
K.Jones
J.Jones
McGahee (1)
It was a little closer on the RB voting, mostly based on the large number of Jones' that decided to add to the legend of the …BZT… sophomore jinx. I nearly had a bad sophomore year back in '59, but what we found out was that the club manager at the Sands had mistakenly substituted my request for Beefeater Gin with Gordon's. Once we fixed the problem I returned to normal, but let's just say that Artie didn't last long in the business. Some things you just need to know, and a club manager needs to know the difference between top shelf liquor and frat party liquor. It's also important for them to understand the difference between a classy, classy call girl and a regular street worker. That's how you build a …BZT… solid rep in a town like this.
Anyway, Jamal Lewis gets the nod with over 32% of the total vote. I know a lot of guys who went to jail and really got into shape. Lewis went to jail and got fitted with lead shoes, having a year we would all like to forget. Has anyone checked to see if they removed the ball and chain from his legs? Between the poor performance early in the year and the Chester Taylor time-sharing arrangement later in the year (culminating with the Taylor start last week), well let's just say that I don't think Lewis will be wearing Ravens purple next year. And he won't be wearing the …BZZZT… colors of many a fantasy team, either, with 43% of the forum voting for Jamal.
Thrasher2005 – "Jamal Lewis – So much for a repeat performance? I saw projections for about 1,800 and 12 tds…"
Agenda42 – "Jamal Lewis has been utterly horrible, and with no major injuries to boot."
Beerbarian – "Jamal Lewis. Many people on this site were down on Kevin Jones and we were warned against A. Green, so the award goes to Jamal."
Lewis may have drawn the ire of fantasy owners in the tank, but at least he'll always have his Merrill Hoge LVP Award to put on his mantle. A surprise first-place vote to Willis McGahee, the self-proclaimed "best back in the league", who made a lot of people look silly for touting him as the next great RB stud. One thing to learn from our list? Other than injuries, the biggest indicator for RB failure appears to be …BZT… lack of QB play – each of our healthy LVP finalists suffered from some kind of Boller mucking up the works. It's not easy to get fantasy production when the defense is stacking the line because your QB can't move the football.
R. Moss (3)
M.Clayton
Burleson (1)
A. Johnson
J.Walker
Our closest vote yet, with Randy Moss squeaking by Michael Clayton to earn the WR award. I must say that either of these guys would have made a fine choice for LVP, and Nate Burleson even made this a three horse race on the back of his first place vote. But in the end, Moss wins the Merrill Hoge LVP Award at WR. Moss and Kerry Collins never really got into synch – that may have to do with an injury to Randy early in …BZT… the season; or maybe Randy and Daunte are some sort of symbiote creature whose separation is causing a slow death to their careers. I don't know…I'm just throwing out some …BZZZT… bleeping theories. I can't explain how both of them could start sucking out loud all at once. At least we can say that Clayton and Burleson didn't have a steady production history, so there was risk built in to their expectations even though they looked like prime cuts in August. But Moss? He's the only receiver to see first round action since Jerry Rice.
Moss was our winner in the shark tank as well, with a larger 36% of votes to Clayton's 29%.
Panechevitz – "R. Moss – over hyped, now referred to as the Collins Factor."
Agenda42 – "Randy Moss isn't even the best guy in the NFL named Moss…or the best producing WR on his team. Yeah, Owens was a disaster too, but Moss needed 13 games to get what TO did in 7."
Dragonz20 – "Randy Moss ~ he wasn't worth where he was most likely drafted as the first or second overall WR."
Finn2056 – "Randy Moss. His presence was supposed to turn Collins and Porter into fantasy studs. Instead, we get the Tui and Lamont show in Oak-town."
Windsor2003 –"Randy Moss – what a miserable disappointment."
Nicely said boys. Honorable mention goes to Andre Johnson and Javon Walker. Johnson was sometimes hurt and sometimes awful, and he never lived up to his supposed breakout 3rd season after solid rookie and sophomore campaigns. Walker was supposed to be one of the top receivers in the league this year but blew his knee exactly 24 minutes after being drafted at the top of many, many fantasy drafts. Plus, he gets …BZZT… bonus hate points for the Drew Rosenhaus slime that rubbed off on him due to his ridiculous holdout.
Gonzalez (1)
Witten (1)
B. Franks
D. Clark (1)
S. Alexander (1)
Well, it was hard to pick a …BZT… winner here. Tony Gonzalez scored nearly a third of the total points but only one first-place vote. To be honest, he didn't have an awful year in terms of yardage, but he didn't get into the end zone. When you consider that he was a top 3 TE pick again in most leagues, and probably taken way before the second tier guys, well, that gets you voted the Merrill Hoge LVP winner at TE. Tony, you just can't set everyone's expectations that high and then tank the season, it's just not professional. If the owners down at the Palomino club all of a sudden trotted out some toothless brutes, how long do you think they'd stay open for business? Use your head, man.
Gonzalez was the landslide winner in the shark tank, garnering 67% of the vote.
Coalesce – "Tony G – finally turned around his season a little after abysmal start. He still has less touchdowns than a couple backup TE's."
Thrasher2005 – "Tony Gonzales – Hampered by immensely resurgent running game…and a receiver called Kenninson)."
Finn2056 – "Gonzo – 737 yards and 2 touchdowns aren't bad, but it is a huge dropoff from last year's 1258 and 7."
Other first-place vote getters include Jason Witten, who went from …BZZT… Bill Parcells' favorite weapon on offense last season to an afterthought this season, much to the chagrin of fantasy owners everywhere; Dallas Clark, who really should have been more productive in Indianapolis now that Marcus Pollard is with the Lions; and Stephen Alexander, who sucked so bad even the slightest amount of expectation earned him a 5th place tie. Bubba Franks continues to …BZT… disappoint, although with his production in recent years we'll probably stop expecting much from him as Brett Favre's red zone flavor of choice. Jermaine Wiggins was supposed to help boost the passing offense in Minnesota after a decent year as H-back last season, but that panned out as well as Philip Rivers' contract negotiation strategy.
Akers (2)
Vinatieri (1)
Longwell (1)
Janikowski
We're picking kickers? What the bleep?!?! Whose idea was this? I'm calling Tony as soon as I'm done dictating this …BZT… article. Look, I won't belabor the point here, except to say that both David Akers and Adam Vinatieri were about as solid as you get at kicker for the last several seasons, and both of them failed their owners this year.
However, I think you have to go with Akers here for the Merrill Hoge LVP Award at K, a disappointing season all around for the Eagles means a bad season for…BZT… the kicker. Add in a freak injury, some crying on the sideline, and you got a real train wreck on your hands for a top 3 kicker pick. The tank agreed with me, throwing 50% of their vote behind Akers.
Dragonz20 – "Akers ~ injury to him and his team really affected his fantasy football production."
Windsor2003 –"David Akers -his injury and the offensive implosion = barf sandwiches."
Ryan Longwell sneaks in a first place vote as the …BZT… Packers fell off a cliff this season (not that I didn't warn you in August), and honorable mentions to Sebastian Janikowski (if that guy's sea bass…) and Jeff Wilkins, kickers on teams whose offenses weren't exactly the powerhouses we expected.
D/ST
Baltimore and New England split the first place votes here, and it's really a two horse race. But I think most reasonable people can agree that the Ravens beat out the Patriots for the Merrill Hoge LVP Award at D/ST. The Pats…BZZZT…may have 'won' except the injuries to Ray Lewis and Ed Reed cemented a bad year for this unit. If Brian Billick is back as the head coach of…BZT… this sorry bunch, I'll burn Walls with a Harvard Red Eye. For years, Baltimore was a consistently good defense and special teams unit, but it all came crashing down in 2005. The Ravens were especially disliked in the shark tank, earning a whopping 93% of your vote. Apparently every time a bell rung in 2005, God dropped a pound of hate on the Baltimore Ravens defense.
Coalesce – "Baltimore. Drafted early and better options were found on the waiver wire."
Thrasher2005 – "Ravens – Never believe the hype…"
Finn2056 – "Baltimore in a squeaker over New England. People are probably also disappointed that Buffalo didn't repeat last year's strong performance."
Honorable mentions go to Buffalo, Washington, and Pittsburgh, great choices in any year where people don't have the opportunity to lash out at Ray Lewis.
Well, there you go. What a sad sack of crud. If you had more than one of these disappointments on your team, you…BZT… probably lost. But hey, you had fun, right? Right? Thanks for all your help, kids – don't forget to vote in the forums for the MVP winner. I'll be back next week to hand out those MVP awards and to set you up for the Awards show spectacular in week 17!
Until next time, Showgirls and Gin, my friends, Showgirls and …BZT… Gin.
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