We Exist: Anonymous
I am a cisgender bisexual woman with a history of mental illness.
I have known I was bi for as long as I can remember, I thought that everyone was and that just nobody spoke about it! ​
I am out to my college friends and have been out to all of my partners, essentially anyone who I would feel comfortable talking about my sex life with. I know that being bi+ is about so much more than sex but in a funny way it feels like when you come out people perceive it as being about just that. I think that has been a major barrier it terms of me coming out at work and to family. ​
I have felt super accepted by my friendship group. I was the first of my friends to come out as bi and quite a number of them ended up coming out as non-monosexual over the years. I like to think that my openness has played some small role and allowing them to think about their own sexuality in a way they may not have before. After I came out to my current partner and explained bisexuality he came to identify as bisexual himself! It has been really wonderful for me to have a bisexual partner who understands.
When I first became involved in the LGBT community I frequently felt overlooked. When the group was being addressed I found myself piping in with "and bisexuals" a lot.
I have found that in some female LBTQ spaces the narrative has been lesbian dominated and not inclusive of those who were attracted to genders other than female.
"It has been really wonderful for me to have a bisexual partner who understands."
I wish I was asked more about the good side of being bisexual. There are many wonderful things. I love that I am never limited by anyone's gender. I feel so at home in the amazing new bisexual community that is emerging. I love how being attracted to more than one gender makes you really question and challenge gender roles and hetero-normative aspects of relationships and really work towards creating your own framework for what works for you and your partner(s).
We Exist: Michelle Hoey
Art student, coffee addict, agus i ngrá leis an Gaeilge. I'm just a kid from rural Donegal with big dreams and a personality to match!
My first crush was on a girl when I was very young, and I very quickly erased it from my head. At that age I had seen it as 'wrong', and since I was a girl, I was only allowed to like boys, right? Moving to secondary school, I was extremely lucky to be surrounded by friends who were so open with their sexuality at a young age, and they really unknowingly helped me discover who I was. It wasn't until the marriage referendum that I had admitted to myself that I was bisexual.
Michelle Hoey
I'm out to the people I know are accepting of my bisexuality! When I moved to Galway for college I found it so easy to be who I was without ridicule. Since everyone was a stranger, I didn't have to have the whole coming out speech prepared, bisexuality was just a part of who I was!
Back at home wasn't difficult, and most of my close friends were already out as gay or bisexual. While it took me a good year to build up the courage to tell my mother, I'm so lucky that she's so open minded and had no problems at all about my sexuality. We even make lighthearted jokes about it!
​I'm so privileged to live in a generation that is so open minded about the LGBTQ+ community, and very lucky to have had few problems regarding my bisexuality.
...bisexuality was just a part of who I was!
I wouldn't be out to a lot of the older people that I know at home. But with people my age being so open minded, I hope future generations won't have the same problem!
The most accepted I've felt was definitely marching in the 2016 Galway Pride Parade. Back at home there are no groups or resources for the LGBTQ+ community, so to walk with hundreds of people who were just like me while singing along to Britney Spears together was definitely such a great moment for me. It's been the only time I've been completely comfortable with my sexuality.
The feel the least accepted back at home in Donegal. A lot of the older generation would be homophobic, and I keep my mouth shut about my sexuality when they rant on about how they disagree with gay marriage or how being anything other than straight is 'wrong'. I wouldn't be out to a lot of the older people that I know at home. But with people my age being so open minded, I hope future generations won't have the same problem!
It's not just a phase! Being in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex does not mean you're straight, and being in a relationship with someone of the same sex does not mean you're gay. A lot of people seem to forget that.
We Exist: Rachael Kelleher
I'm a fat bisexual woman and an aspiring writer, who loves music and kittens and good food. I have an alarming appreciation for puns.
I knew I was attracted to more than just men when I was quite young, though I didn't have the word for it at the time. I knew I was different to the people I lived with because it was more than just Leonardo Dicaprio that had this heart hammering when watching The Titanic.
It was Kate Winslet too.
Rachael Kelleher
I had an overwhelming crush on her before I'd even hit puberty; just looking at her had me struggling to breathe. It made me squirm and look away, and then look again.
I couldn't stop looking.
I didn't learn the term for what I was experiencing until later, having picked it up through an overexposure to adult literature and fanfiction. I was 12 when I learned the term and 13 when I dared to mumble it in front of a girl from school that had knots forming inside me whenever I was alone with her.
I am as out as I can be without shouting it from the rooftops with a megaphone while planes streak the bi-pride tricolour through the air overhead.
I've been out online since I was a teenager, though it was to a few select people that I trusted.
I didn't come out to people offline until the summer of 2014. I was almost 22 at the time. That summer was when I came out to family, and it didn't go well in the least. I was told I couldn't be trusted to go on a vacation alone with the most wonderful female friend I could ever ask for - even though we all knew she was as straight as an arrow. I was no longer trustworthy, as though being attracted to women made me a danger suddenly, as though I couldn't control the urges I felt.
Understandably, I was more hurt than I can ever express...but I pushed past the pain of that moment. I refused to retreat into the closet. If anything, I became more prideful. I've come out to more and more people since then.
I don't think it ever stops.
But I still get to choose who has the right to know who I am because some don't deserve the right.
I have never felt more accepted than when I discovered Bi+ Ireland existed.
Largely, I'd been isolated from other people like me. I felt like I was the one queer in the entire village. Online friends living in other countries were the one solace I had at the time.
I was suffocating from loneliness and isolation.
But that changed in 2016.
The shooting at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando happened earlier that year, and that was what drove me out the door. It drove me to attend the Pride festival scheduled in Cork City, and it was the first time I'd ever been brave enough to do so because I was an introvert that often struggled with anxiety. I went to the Pride Picnic and came upon one of those info books that gets printed around that time.
There was an article from a member of Bi+ Ireland inside.
I almost ran home once I was finished at the picnic and I scrambled to turn the computer on. I found their facebook page as soon as possible and liked it immediately, and I was quick to inform the administrators that I wanted to join the secret group being advertised on their page.
That night I was invited to join an unofficial meet-up later that week. I couldn't breathe. I was shaking with nerves. It was the first time I ever dared to go to a bar where I wouldn't know a single person. The first thing I saw when someone from the group arrived was a man wearing a purple shirt and pulling a bi-pride flag from his backpack.
I almost cried in relief and euphoria.
I was home.
The shooting at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando happened earlier that year, and that was what drove me out the door. It drove me to attend the Pride festival scheduled in Cork City
The moment I felt least accepted? That was during the marriage referendum in 2015. My best friend was on her erasmus in Germany, and I was visiting her family, because her home had become a refuge to me whenever mine was too toxic for me to cope with. I went to her house so I could breathe. I went to her house so I could feel loved and wanted.
I made the mistake of mentioning how excited I was for the impending referendum and my best friend's mother thought I meant the other one. I was quick to correct her.
The kitchen went dead silent as soon as the words escaped me. It was as though I'd been plunged into the heart of the Atlantic at the height of winter.
No one spoke afterwards.
I was being driven home within an hour of mentioning the referendum. Usually, my best friend's mother would drive me home after visiting, but she didn't drive me home that night. It was another visitor to the house that drove me home instead. While she was driving, she told me "it wasn't personal."
But it felt damned personal. It felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart with a shard of ice.
She went on to say, "We don't talk about the referendum in that house. It just starts arguments between the parents and kids."
Neither of us spoke after that. She dropped me outside my house. I had to hide the trembles in my hands as I opened the door and stepped inside. I didn't speak to anyone. I just went down to bed.
I broke down in tears.
I just want people to ask: How can I help make it better?
I want people to want to help us.
We Exist: Terri Louise Ó Leathlobhair
For someone with BPD identity is not an easy thing to figure out. I'm Bisexual. Pro Choice. Equalist. Unwilling Loner. Chronic Spoonie. Untapped Potential.
Terri Louise Ó Leathlobhair
I knew I was bi before I knew what bi was. My first childhood crush was on a neighbourhood girl. It wasn't until secondary school that I heard someone identify as bisexual. I knew then what I was and that I didn't seem to be alone. Except bisexuality wasn't as advertised. The people that had brought me my awakening had also brought me my shame by telling me that bi didn't mean you actually liked boys and girls it meant you were gay but just not ready to say it. I knew that wasn't me so back to square one I went.
For all intents and purposes I am out. Outwardly very proudly but with a lot of internal shame. Both my public and private coming out experiences where traumatic and not initiated by me and it has hindered how I express myself within my own family. I am trying to mention it a little more, let everybody know its not a phase. Positive responses so far.
I'll do both in the same story.
Years ago after a terrible public outing. A gay 'friend' had decided he was going to take matters into his own hands by 'helping me really come out' he told everyone that would listen, even people I didn't know that I was a lesbian. I was already being bullied at the time. I tried to stand up for myself. I tried to combat the rumours with the truth. Turns out 'she's bisexual' wasn't as snappy a line as 'she's gay'. The bullying to my horror tried to spread to my younger sister by text but as usual she was having none of anyones bullshit. She got a text saying 'Your sisters diseased' to which she replied 'no she's not, she's bisexual' to this day she doesn't know just how validated that made me feel.
...to this day she doesn't know just how validated that made me feel.
How does it feel? How does it feel to be erased under the guise of priviledge? How does society impact you as a bisexual woman? What can we do to make it easier?
Submit your story to We Exist
We Exist: Paula Dennan
I'm a queer angry feminist, activist, writer and book reviewer. When not spending far too much time online, I can usually be found organising with pro-choice groups. Always learning.
I was 28. I'd been out as gay since my teens, I never had a big ah-ha moment about it and it didn't cause me any angst or stress. I just was, until I wasn't. ​
Paula Dennan
Questioning my sexuality in my 20s was something I didn't expect. It wasn't without its ups and downs, what the fuck moments, lots of soul searching and dismantling the internalised biphobia I felt that lead me to say and do some things I wouldn't say or do today. I eventually realised that for me sexuality is a spectrum and being bisexual now doesn't mean I was lying to myself or others when I was gay. My sexuality evolved and I'm OK with that. ​
I am. I was out as gay, so coming out as bi was both an easy and complicated task. Easy because it never occurred to me to remain in the closet, something I am eternally grateful for. Complicated because people were used to me being gay, were used to me only dating women and seeing me any other way, took some people time to get used to. Some people never accepted it, which was difficult to accept at the time. For many it wasn't an issue at all.
Funny story - my now husband and I almost didn't get together because he thought I was gay. When we met there was an immediate connection between us, but he didn't think it would ever turn romantic. It took a few months before I realised he had missed my coming out as bi, so I set him straight (pun most definitely intended!) and, well, we got married so you can guess what happened next. ​
Most accepted - In the Bi+ Ireland community. I would be lost without the people I've met and friendships I've made within the group. Whether people are out outside of the group or not, we all see each other and we know that each one of us matters. That's incredibly powerful.
We all see each other and we know that each one of us matters. That's incredibly powerful.
Least accepted - I've made no secret of the fact that I found the bi-erasure of the Yes Equality campaign difficult to deal with. So many bi+, trans and non-binary people were made to feel at best like allies in a campaign that directly impacted them and at worst like their experiences and feelings didn't matter. I still feel anger, sadness and frustration about that. ​
Don't assume that everyone in a queer space is a lesbian or gay and don't assume that everyone in a different gender relationship is straight.
The question I wish people asked - What can I do to help stop biphobia? This isn't something bi+ people can do alone. We need help. We need others to call it out when they see it. Don't assume that everyone in a queer space is a lesbian or gay and don't assume that everyone in a different gender relationship is straight. People's sexuality isn't dependent on the gender and sexuality of the person they're dating. Believe us when we talk about our experiences. ​
We Exist: Jess Connor
​Irish, cis woman, fat, supremely privileged, bi as fuck, pro choice, feminist. I've worked in tech as a Project Manager for 7+ years.
Jess Connor
I've had bi+ experiences since I was very young. They never felt weird to me. I never stressed about it. Well, that's half true. I have two distinct memories of having anxious times, mainly I wanted to explore more with women, but I had no idea how to.
As a 17 year old teenager I remember being online and talking with women, and desperately wanting to meet up with them, but being terrified at the prospect of meeting someone 'from the internet'. LGBT+ womxn just weren't around where I grew up, and so I felt trapped. This was the first time I ever felt like I was doing something taboo. There were no LGBT resources, and there wasn't a lot of representation in the media. I felt lost and alone. ​
"There were no LGBT resources, and there wasnt a lot of representation in the media."
When I was about 22, and in a long term relationship with a cis man, I began to wonder about being with womxn again. Because it was something I was still unsure of, I became incredibly focused on it. I spent a whole summer wondering if I was, in fact, gay.
Anyway, all of this is to say, one day my boyfriend at the time walked out of the shower naked and I grinned while checking out his behind. And I had this sudden realisation (or affirmation) that no, in fact, I was absolutely attracted to him and men in general. And to womxn and non binary folk. And that was just undeniably true. A fact. And it was ok. It was a huge relief, because I hadnt been able to bring myself to speak to anyone about my feelings that summer. I stayed happily in that relationship for many more years. And I found my voice and talked about it with my partner and friends about being bi+.​
​Yes, but it took me until I was 29 to be 100% public about it even though I've been having bi+ experiences since I was very young and my partners and friends had known. When I look back at my life and experiences, I feel denied. ​
Denied a community, a language and experiences. I try not to be regretful, but so much of my anguish could have been avoided. That's why I volunteer as a coordinator with Bi+ Ireland. Visibility matters. It's also why I am labouring over this series, I think/hope it can make a difference.
The most accepted? The Bi+ Ireland community. The group. The people who I march with us at pride, who might be total strangers, but who stand with me and all of us and declare that we are here and queer and we matter. We exist.
The least? I hated talking about or marching for equal marriage rights, and feeling like I was 'just an ally', and not someone who this directly impacted. So that was an internal struggle. It was part of what made me come out, and eventually find acceptance.​
​I wish people understood the complexity of being bi+. Because we are everywhere on the spectrum, we're not easy to put in neat little boxes. So I wish people would ask how they could help more. I'd tell them to accept us, no matter where we are in our bi-ness. Just to believe us, and accept us as valid without question.
"Ask us how you can help. Believe us."
We Exist: Chris Noone
Queer guy, democratic socialist, feminist, humanist, activist and researcher.
I knew that I wasn't just attracted to girls from a very early age. In fact, I don't remember ever feeling any other way - but I do clearly remember learning that it was not a widely accepted way to be. ​
Chris Noone
I remember agreeing with some of the girls in primary school about how cute our mutual friend's older brother was. I hadn't even thought twice about what I was saying but suddenly I was being ridiculed. It was almost another 10 years before I told anyone that I was open to dating any gender. I think the first time I realised that other people did feel like this and that they identified as bisexual was actually while watching "Desperate Housewives" one night with my mam when I was about 15. I don't remember the character's name but I do remember him clearly articulating that he was bi and finding that exciting because it seemed to fit my own experience.
I don't remember ever feeling any other way - but I do clearly remember learning that it was not a widely accepted way to be."
Still, seeing no LGBT+ people in the town where I grew up, and the lack of acceptance for those thought to not be straight resulted in many years of convincing myself that it was best to stay in the closet. My sexuality became a source of significant anxiety for me, though nobody else would realise this. Later, in my final year of college, a drunken confession to a gay friend led to my first time kissing a guy. It was only then that I really knew that I wanted to embrace my sexuality for what it was. It wasn't easy, it took more years, but I began to come out and to explore my identity and our community. Getting involved in LGBT+ activism really helped this process!
I am lucky enough to be out to my family, friends and colleagues. However, coming out took a long time. For several years, it was just a few close friends and my girlfriend at the time who knew, and I barely ever talked about it. It is only since the months after the Marriage Equality referendum that this has been the case though. This campaign gave me the chance to participate in LGBT+ spaces without fear of being outed or of feeling like an outsider. I met many fantastic people during this, including my first boyfriend. This gave me the confidence to come out, and this was the most liberating thing I have ever done. It wasn't easy, and it was particularly difficult to ensure that people understood my bi identity, but I'm fortunate to have friends and family who support me and the LGBT+ community.
Most accepted - I've immersed myself in the local LGBT community since coming out and in activism more broadly. I feel a tremendous sense of belonging in these spaces, but my bi identity is often not known or forgotten about. I'm usually assumed to be straight or gay depending on where I am and who I'm with. The most accepted I've ever felt as a bi person was the first time I met the other coordinators from Bi+ Ireland. We shared our stories, much like this, and it was refreshing to have the usual interest and acceptance to be accompanied by real understanding.
​Least accepted - I remember a time before I came out where I was experiencing a lot of anxiety and generally feeling low. I decided that I should seek help and I found one of the very few mental health professionals in Galway with whom I could afford to book an appointment. I talked about how I was feeling and about me in general but it took me almost the entire hour to mention that I was bi. As soon as I did, I immediately sensed a discomfort from her that was not there before. She then completely glossed over what I had said and immediately linked "feeling confused" as a natural response to anxiety. I didn't go back to her. She didn't listen and she didn't understand. All mental health professionals have the responsibility to inform themselves regarding LGBT+ identities and issues; nothing less is acceptable.
All mental health professionals have the responsibility to inform themselves regarding LGBT+ identities and issues; nothing less is acceptable.
I wish people would simply ask what the best aspects of being bi are instead of making the usual assumptions. I would tell them that it is liberating to be part of, and learn from, a group embraces true diversity, practices radical inclusion and combats oppression of all forms.