By TriangularBanana - 10/12/2016 22:50 - United States - Houston
Today, I babysat my little cousin. He thought that a glue stick would have the same effect as chapstick. FML
I'm late… for business!
Live, laugh, love no one
By Rynne S. - 13/03/2012 06:12 - United States
Today, I got my yearbook. My sister and I are identical twins, and we realized only my sister had a picture in it. When we asked the head of yearbook, they said they thought it was the same girl trying to get two pictures, so they put in the prettier one. FML
By aphre - 18/03/2009 12:35 - United Kingdom
Today, my boyfriend of over a year and I were discussing how neither of us is the other's usual 'type'. I explained that I usually go for insular asshole types and then asked him what made me different from his usual choices. He said 'Oh, well, I usually go for the attractive ones.' FML
Today, my husband and I were having sex. It was stormy outside, and when lightning flashed through the window, he screamed like a little girl and scrambled off the bed. FML
Today, I thought it would be a good idea to take a short cut driving through the snow. I skidded to avoid an oncoming car and ended up in someone's garden, inches from their brand new extension. The house belonged to a police officer. FML
Manlet issues
By falling short - 20/03/2015 15:26 - India - Mumbai
Today, my best friend confessed to having feelings for me. I've been in love with her for a long time, so I was ecstatic. She doesn't see herself ever going out with me, though, because she's a couple of inches taller and can't imagine herself "towering" over her man. FML
By KennyDidIt - 09/12/2012 13:18 - United States - Grand Bay
Today, it's my sixth day taking care of my family's seven animals while my parents are in Singapore. So far, I've emergency-called the vet twice, taken a dog to the vet once, and cleaned up liquid dog shit five times. FML
By With_Love929 - 29/10/2012 21:45 - United States - Staten Island
Today, my family and I are sitting in our house while Hurricane Sandy is going on. My grandma is freaking out because she believes it's our recently deceased dog Sandy getting revenge for putting her to sleep and getting a new dog. FML
This is a robbery
By Anonymous - 30/07/2012 20:02 - Ukraine - Kiev
Today, I was walking to the movie theatre with my boyfriend, when three guys muscled over and told us to hand over our phones. My boyfriend didn't waste any time pushing past me and running like hell, leaving me in tears and almost having a panic attack. FML
By krh14 - 10/02/2015 12:59 - United States - Crofton
Today, my girlfriend was feeling a little down, so I tried to console her. She said she just needed space and I respected that. Then an hour later she was fine, so I asked how she did it. She replied that she talked to her ex for a whole hour. This is a common procedure. FML
Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML
By TJ - 06/04/2012 11:10 - United Kingdom - Redhill
Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed. She slipped her hand under the duvet, and I got all excited thinking she was going to give me a hand job. She was actually pulling out her wedgie. FML
By full bladder - 28/04/2015 22:39 - United States - Valrico
Today, I found out my anti-depressants are super-effective. So effective, they affect things they aren't even supposed to. Like my ability to pee. FML
By emilyhendrix0414 - 28/09/2012 10:53 - United States
Today, my 5-year-old, overweight Siberian Husky tackled me because he thought that my lipstick was food. FML
By Audrey Anna Grace Somers - 12/05/2019 14:00
Today, I was trying on a dress at my grandmother's house. When I posed for her, she told me she would expand the waist, because I won't be sucking in the whole time I would be wearing it. The joke's on you Grandma, I've been sucking my stomach in since I was twelve years old. FML
By SoMuchPee - 06/03/2017 22:00 - Australia - Melbourne
Today, after scrubbing every surface twice a week for a month, I finally found the source of the pee smell in my bathroom. Under the toilet. The people who built our house didn't think it was necessary to seal around the toilet. There was two years of pee under there. FML
Today, I was texting my friend. He has a history of depression, which we were talking about, and somehow, he turned the conversation to, "If we ever broke up, I would kill myself." I didn't even know we were even going out. FML
By Anonymous - 07/04/2015 21:00 - Canada - Calgary
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend repeatedly whispering in my ear, "You want to give me a blowjob". Yes, he actually thought it would work. FML
By poor baby - 12/06/2015 16:51 - Germany
Today, my boyfriend forgot to pick our son up from daycare. His excuse? Fighting in a battle in World of Warcraft was far more important and he had to stay absolutely focused. Our son had to wait for two hours. FML
By backtothelaundrettethen - 03/12/2012 11:40 - Germany
Today, I bought some expensive fabric softener since I'm not too keen on my detergent's smell. Only after washing two weeks worth of laundry did I discover that mixed together they realistically mimic the smell of fresh puke. FML
By jaleesadavis21 - 18/10/2011 13:25 - United States
Today, while I was in the shower, my older brother thought it would be funny to change the language on my phone to Serbo-Croatian. I don't know how and can't change it back. FML
By ak - 02/03/2009 21:26 - United States
Today, I was laying with my girlfriend on the couch. I looked at her and says "You're so beautiful. How did I ever get you?" She replied, "I was drunk." FML
Today, I found out that my husband keeps in contact with the woman he was infatuated with in high school. He texts her more than he texts me. FML
By larvagirl23 - 18/06/2009 15:08 - United States
Today, my girlfriend of ten months sent me a picture message of her making out with a guy. Under it, it read, "You can pick your stuff up in the morning." FML
By Anonymous - 06/12/2016 17:09 - United States - Orange Park
Today, it's the 11th day I've been in the hospital due to my kidneys. My mother has come in every day since to make me feel bad about missing Thanksgiving. FML
By ok then - 31/10/2016 15:55
Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML
By fuck off you fucking shitburglar - 31/10/2015 10:20 - United Kingdom - London
Today, a tailgating idiot rear-ended me at a red light, then had the balls to say it was my fault for "driving too close" to his car. FML
By animalover - 13/08/2009 16:49 - United States
Today, I swerved to avoid hitting a dog that ran in front of my car. The dog was fine but I hit a road sign, ripped off my rearview mirror, and cracked my passenger side window. When I got out to examine the damage to my car, the dog growled at me. FML
Today, my girlfriend blew up at me for a comment I had made several weeks ago about not wanting kids. Then, she told me that she's pregnant. After consoling her and telling her that whatever we do, we'll do it together, she further explained that she's not sure if it's mine. FML
By Anonymous - 03/08/2014 15:13 - United States - Atlanta
Today, I should be spending my birthday with my boyfriend of 8 months. Instead he's visiting his ex, who's pregnant with a baby that "may or may not be" his. FML.
By Anonymous - 22/09/2010 19:22 - Chile
Today, I finally quit my job after talking with a friend about making our own design/multimedia company. While I was on my way to his house, he called me and told me not to quit because he got an awesome job offer and couldn't refuse. FML
Territorial Pissings
By El Camino - 25/11/2010 21:01 - United States
Today, I parked in a different lot because the one I usually park in was full. When I came back later, a bumper sticker was stuck to the windshield that said, "INCONSIDERATE F***, DON'T PARK HERE AGAIN!" To make matters worse, it was stuck on with a special type of glue, so it can't be removed. FML
Today, I woke up at 2 p.m. to realise I'd slept through all of my alarms and missed my really big presentation at university, all because I was up most of the night with food poisoning. FML
You're back!
Today, I heard that one of our customers had passed away. Saddened, I told everyone who came into our shop about his death. Understandably, some customers got very upset and one even fainted. Suddenly, the "dead" man walked into the shop. Turns out I got the name wrong. FML
By gera3gera - 07/10/2009 02:07 - United States
Today, I was walking my dog when, as usual, he did his business in the grass and stepped off to the side. I squatted and reached for the bag when my dog spotted another canine. He lunged forward in excitement and I landed face forward in the feces. FML
Today, I was walking down the hall from the livingroom. I overheard my mom telling someone how proud she was of her baby girl and how much she loved her. I thought she was referring to my first ever all "A" report card. Turns out my new kitten used its litter box correctly for the first time. FML
By Owned - 25/03/2009 23:43 - United States
Today, my parents came to visit me at the ranch I work at. They're scared to death of horses, but I was explaining how they are almost completely harmless. I was showing them how to work around the horse without getting kicked. As they relaxed, the horse kicked me. I now have a broken leg. FML
By Anonymous - 19/06/2014 08:24 - United States - San Francisco
Today, I shouldn't have told my boss that I was interested in management. She now throws any problem she doesn't want to solve at me and either gets mad when I can't work it out or takes credit when I do. FML
By Cameraman - 01/06/2017 01:00 - Israel
Today, I got a reply from a women who's SD card I found 2 months ago and tried to give back. Yesterday I formatted it. FML
Disinterested
By lily - 13/09/2020 14:01 - United States
Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I slightly opened my eyes during it and saw him with his eyes wide open, watching TV. FML
Today, my granny died. My aunt wants to throw away all her books and furniture. When I offered to take care of selling it, or giving it away, like granny would have wanted, my aunt said she would let me "keep a percentage" of the few bucks I'd get for my troubles. FML
captain_hero89 21
Thursday 15 December 2016 7:05
that ought to shut him up
You should have told him to kiss the wall. Enjoy the peace and quiet and five minutes before his parents get home, pry him off with a putty knife.
The_Bleeder 13
Let's play the overused annoying pun game! I'll go first... That sounds like a sticky situation.
My turn: I hope you mean EX cousin!
That's… that's not a pun, #3. Try not being a colossal idiot, eh?
I love sitting on babies! Especially ex cousins.
Lalala579121 27
Now that's a real shitty situation. Or as one might call it, a catastrophe.
J352SAURUS 30
Divorce your cousin! You dodged a bullet, OP!
extrasnipes 22
Wait this really affects the fml Did he try it on you or himself?
TheyCallMeDamien 17
Sounds like this is your cousin's FML. And you have a good humbling story for him when he gets older.
Goblin182 26
The effect as much better than chap stick.
mariri9206 32
Try dipping a q-tip in hot water and soap. Should work to remove the glue in a relatively unharmful way.
jsalamo 22
So...Did it?
Taurus_ChicKa 36
Saturday 17 December 2016 22:24
Wait, did he put it on himself or you?
Sunday 18 December 2016 1:40
Glue stick glue isn't very glue-y. Did it actually create a problem? Even white school glue wouldn't be strong enough to keep lips from easily separating, I'd think.