By YoushouldsaythattoHER
Today, a guy was telling me how his girlfriend considers me a "perfect beauty". Not getting such compliments every day, I felt extremely flattered... Until he started to explain in great detail why he couldn't disagree with her more. FML
By Mushman
Today, I sharted while skiing - wearing a bib outfit and no change of clothing. FML
By Luke - United States - San Antonio
Today, after all of the business cards for the car dealership that I work for were printed, the phone number was wrong, and the lady got so pissed about getting so many calls that she told them that they had won a free car. I had to tell dozens of ecstatic customers that they hadn't. FML
Contradictions everywhere
Today, I was demoted from my job because I didn't volunteer to help out with my job during COVID-19. I texted them on the day of sign-up to see if they had enough people. I was told since I was there not to worry about it. FML
By AnxietyGirl - United States - Parker
Today, I had to admit that I desperately need anti-anxiety medication. Apparently, when you walk around a grocery store avoiding eye contact and generally acting "sketchy", management will call the police on you, who will then pat you down to be sure you aren't shoplifting. FML
By Moose - Poland
Today, my boss signed and sent me back my timesheet. He named the PDF file "Timeshit". Now I don't know whether he's terrible at spelling, or just expressed his view of my job. FML
Today, I wore crotchless panties to bed and my boyfriend didn't notice. It's been 10 months since we've had sex. FML
By AntiAxe
Today, there are rumors flying around my office that I hooked up with the guy who picks his nose and leaves boogers under tables. I didn't. Last night I took a shower at my boyfriend's place, who happens to use the exact same body wash and shampoo as the office outcast. FML
By lectro - France
Today, I learnt that the girl with who I've being going out for 6 months, has been sleeping with every guy around except one. Guess who? FML
By cook for yourself dammit! - 12/7/2020 14:01
Kitchen Nightmares
Today, tired of my husband complaining that my food was basic and bland, I went out of my way to learn to cook using new recipes and fresh ingredients. He complained that I took too long to make dinner, and that the food is "fancied up shit." He can cook his own meals now. FML
Today, I explained to my boss what clickbait is and why it's bad practice to use it when writing online. After my explanation, she ordered me to go ahead with it, saying it's "exactly what we need". This person is the marketing communications director for a major multinational company. FML
By denied - United States
Today, I was walking with my boyfriend in the hallway of our school, and once we got to his class, I leaned in for a kiss. Surprising me, he leaned away, and I asked what was wrong. He told me he's glad we're going out, but just doesn't want anyone to know. FML
By Georgia
Today, my boyfriend turned down a shower with me because he didn't want to get his hair wet. FML
By stupidboys - United States
Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend after helping him study for his ACT, giving him a back rub, and having really awesome sex with him. His reason for dumping me? He's too stressed out to have a girlfriend right now. FML
By Anonymous - United States - Fort Worth
Today, during class our teacher asked us, "Who is Uncle Sam?" A girl answered, "He's the guy who founded KFC, right?" I'm in an AP class and have to put up with these morons constantly. FML
By Anonymous - United States - Des Moines
Today, I blew a huge gum bubble. My cat was on my lap and decided to shove her face in the bubble. There's gum all over her, and I still have scars from the last time I tried bathe her. FML
By AquaKelly - United States - Newark
Today, I set a trap to catch a mouse that ran across my foot. Not only did the trap shut on my finger twice, but I watched the mouse run over the trap without it snapping shut. I guess I have a new roommate. FML
By Tomatoe Face - United States - Antioch
Today, I used a facial mask for super sensitive skin, recommended by several friends with similar skin issues. Apparently, when the warning says, "May cause some slight redness for thirty minutes", it really means, "Your face will have hives and swell to twice its normal size for several hours." FML
Today, my brother and I were talking about Ebola, when he says he would love to have the disease because of how famous it would make him. Plus, his college essays about him "fighting through the disease" would be "phenomenal". FML
By Anonymous - United States - Yucaipa
Today, the Star Wars Cantina song had been stuck in my head since I woke up, as my brother was humming it. I finally managed to get it out of my head. Then my mom started to whistle it. It's stuck in my head again. FML
By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn
Today, I found out that the guy I've been sleeping with is my mom's gynecologist. FML
By JennaMarie - United States
Today, I was in the car with my husband complaining about the way I look. His response, "Babe, if I cared about the way you looked I wouldnt have married you." FML
By sma93 - United States - Baldwin
Today, after my work's Christmas party, everyone got so drunk that I had to help one of my only sober co-workers take everyone home and clean up vomit. FML
By - Moved Across the Country - United States
Today, I found out my ex is applying for a job at my current company. She may be my boss. FML
Today, I was bet 100 dollars that I couldn't break a piece off a brick with my head. I couldn't, and I have 2 gashes in my head now. FML
By Anonymous - 28/8/2020 23:01 - United States
Say my name, say my name
Today, after being unemployed for over four months, I got a call from a company I've wanted to work for for over 2 years. After they were about to set up an interview, they called me by a different name. After correcting them, they hung up on me. Turns out they had the wrong number. FML
By pissed
Today, I got offered an interview for a job after months of unemployment. It's a 3-month contract 3 hours away from where we live. My boyfriend's reaction was to tell me to move out and take our hamster with me. FML
By fatandsad - United States
Today, I bought a $450 elliptical machine to get in shape of the new year. After 5 hours of putting it together, I realized that all the ceilings in every room of my apartment are too low for me to use it without hitting my head. I can't return it. FML
By TuralSucks - United States
Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML
By sleepylillion - United States - Eleele
Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend chuckling to himself. Turns out he had just clogged the toilet. When he called maintenance, halfway through explaining the problem he started hysterically giggling and had to hang up mid-sentence. This has been a reoccurring theme. FML
Today, I thought it would have been funny to cut off my friend's rat-tail. He thought it would be funny to put a brick through my windshield. FML
By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Rugby
Dating is hell
Today, I had my third date with a lovely guy. After I got home, I figured I'd try to see if I could find his Facebook profile. I did. His pictures were nice; lovely wedding photos for sure, and his newborn baby is adorable. FML
Today, I decided to drive to the airport and park in extended stay. As the plane was going down the runway, I tried to spot my car. I found it very quickly as the car alarm was going off and all its lights were flashing. FML
By BeautifulDisastre - United States
Today, I drove the six hours to LA to attend my Uncle's birthday party. When I tried to get off at the exit, it took me two hours just to get onto the street where the club was. By the time I showed up, the party was already over, so I ended up going to a Denny's. I drove eight hours for a Denny's. FML
By anon - United States - Dublin
Today, I walked into my mother's house to find that she had knitted clothes for some of the household appliances. The toaster was wearing a dress. FML
By melonhead - Australia
Today, my friends thought it would be funny to try and break a watermelon on my head while I was asleep on the couch. FML
By Sady_Ct
Today, I caught my husband trying on the sexy bra I bought to wear just for him. For shits and giggles, I made him try on my dress too. He looked better in it than I do. FML
Today, after being told by her therapist to try to make her kids a bigger part of her life because we're so distant from her, my mom's new favorite thing to do is to constantly use the words "YOLO" and "swag" around us. FML
Today, my friend explained to me that the toilet paper in his bathroom is "just for show." Now I know why his hamper smells like shit. FML
By Anonymous - 3/11/2020 22:02 - United States - Anchorage
Get the message, dude
Today, after telling my boyfriend of 8 years on Monday that I'm unhappy and don't want to be in a relationship anymore, he said to me just now, "So, I'm thinking of proposing to you in December." FML
By bluhbluhbluh | 14
#7692284 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 22:16
Steal his girl. That is the only logical course of action.
By gavanator127 | 8
Go date his girlfriend XD You can do it girl
By real life problems | 26
You people care way too much what others think of you.
Rabite | 28
#7693059 - Friday 14 September 2018 3:02
You don't have to care about what other people think about you to be annoyed by some unsolicited assholery from some random guy.
By interesting33 | 36
why. why would he do that? sounds like he is trying to hurt you.
By Angel Meadows | 8
#7692864 - Thursday 13 September 2018 20:43
I'm sure he won't be laughing it up when you abscond with his girlfriend. He put you down, like an asshole, so it's only fair.
By tounces7 | 27
Girls are MUCH harder to please aesthetically. So her opinion counts 100x more than his anyway.
By MitiMiki | 16
#7693596 - Friday 14 September 2018 21:35
I figured he was angling for a threesome!
By Taurus_ChicKa | 36
#7693698 - Saturday 15 September 2018 3:53
Maybe he was telling his girlfriend that so he didn't get in trouble for agreeing with her?
#7717195 - Thursday 1 November 2018 5:24
Screw him, steal his girlfriend XD