The 2021 Draft
on	 27 Dec 21	 06 Jan 22
Previously on Adam Riff™:
There was an idea… To bring together a group of disparate people… To see if we could create something more…than a year-end list.
12 people select 10 things they loved from 2021 without any overlap, creating a "best of 2021" list unlike any other.
Circle, triangle, star, or umbrella? / Which Loki variant are you? / Which Britney Spears song are you?
In randomly-generated snake draft order:
Umbrella / 2012 Loki / "Me Against the Music"
Triangle / Kid Loki / "Toxic"
Circle / Classic Loki / "Stronger"
Triangle / Sylvie née Lady Loki / "Circus"
Triangle / President Loki / "Gimme More"
Star / Sylvie née Lady Loki / "Work Bitch"
Triangle / Cyclist Loki / "I'm a Slave 4 U"
Umbrella / Alligator Loki / "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman"
Jon Y [me]
Circle / President Loki / "You Drive Me Crazy (Stop! Remix)"
Jon B
Circle / Kid Loki / "Oops!… I Did It Again"
Circle / Classic Loki / "Lucky"
Umbrella / Kid Loki / "Overprotected"
Alright.
With the first pick in the 2021 Draft, Russell selected…
R1 • Russell
1. Squid Game
Television Series / S01 / Netflix
Ben: Am I allowed to take "MCU TV shows" as a whole?
Jon: Let me check.
Drew: Would you let someone draft "every MCU movie that came out this year"?
Jon: League says no.
R1 • Ben
2. Loki
Television Series / S01 / Disney+
Ben: There are shows I liked more, but there's no way this is making it back to me.
R1 • Aaron
3. Deathloop
Video Game / PC, PlayStation
R1 • Devon
4. Inside Job
R1 • Adam
5. I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson's "Karl Havoc" sketch
Television Scene / S02E01 / Netflix
R1 • Molly
6. Hacks
Television Series / S01 / HBO Max
Jeff: Damn, Deathloop already off the board.
R1 • Jeff
7. The back half of Succession S03
Television Series / E06-E09 / HBO
R1 • Drew
8. Dune: Part One
Film / Dir: Denis Villeneuve
R1 • Jon Y
9. Bo Burnham: Inside
Television Special / Dir: Bo Burnham / Netflix
Jon Y: Y'all really let Inside slip to me.
R1 • Jon B
10. The Milk Carton Kids – "New York Lonely Boy" from Girls5eva
Song | Television Series / S01E03 / Peacock
https://assets.adamriff.com/videos/cmncmn.mp4
R1 • Stan
11. C'mon C'mon
Film / Dir: Mike Mills
https://assets.adamriff.com/videos/nnprfctstrngrs0105.mp4
R1 • Noelle
12. Nine Perfect Strangers
Television Series / S01 / Hulu
13. The Harder They Fall
Film / Dir: Jeymes Samuel / Netflix
14. Reservation Dogs
Television Series / S01 / FX on Hulu
Adam: Fuckin' Stan. I should have flipped my picks.
15. The Nice House on the Lake
Comics Series / What if the gang got together and the worst happened?
16. The Underground Railroad: "Chapter 9: Indiana Winter"
Television Episode / S01E09 / Amazon Prime Video / Chaos reigns on Valentine Farm
17. Fala Chen and Tony Leung's fight in the forest in Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings
Film Scene / Dir: Destin Daniel Cretton
18. Lucy Dacus' album Home Video
19. "Were you silent, or were you silencedt?"
Interview Question / Oprah with Meghan and Harry / CBS
20. Pig
Film / Dir: Michael Sarnoski
21. Boldy James and The Alchemist's album Bo Jackson
22. Mare of Easttown
Television Series / S01 / HBO
23. For All Mankind: "The Grey"
Television Episode / S02E10 / Apple TV+ / Tracy and Gordo sprint across the surface of the moon to avert a nuclear meltdown while wrapped only in duct tape
24. CM Punk and Bryan Danielson join AEW
https://assets.adamriff.com/videos/tssn0101.mp4
25. It's a Sin
26. r/HermanCainAward, and anti-vax, COVID-denying talk radio hosts dying over and over
Subreddit | Make Bereave
27. WandaVision
28. The Suicide Squad
Film / Dir: James Gunn
29. Taylor Swift, intellectual property law, and due dilligence [sic] disasters
Twitter Thread
30. We Are Lady Parts
Television Series / S01 / Peacock
31. The Beatles: Get Back
Television Special / Dir: Peter Jackson / Disney+
32. Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's swollen testicles
Tweet | Meme
33. Psychonauts 2's level design
Video Game / PC, Xbox
34. Titane
Film / Dir: Julia Ducournau
35. Mythic Quest: "Backstory!"
Television Episode / S02E06 / Apple TV+ / C.W. Longbottom's origin
36. Ted Lasso: "Beard After Hours"
Television Episode / S02E09 / Apple TV+ / One crazy night
37. All the beautiful Blackity Blackness of Love Life S02
Television Series / HBO Max
38. Christina Ricci's manic energy in Yellowjackets
Television Performance / S01 / Showtime
Stan: I know this is early, but there is no way this is getting back to me.
39. The story of Vader Johan from Big Mouth: "A Very Big Mouth Christmas"
https://assets.adamriff.com/videos/fltbshmsdmnrs0106.mp4
40. Flatbush Misdemeanors
Television Series / S01 / Showtime
41. Celebrity-endorsed fast food
Marketing Trend / The Shawn Mendes Bowl at Chipotle / The BTS Meal and Mariah Menu at McDonald's / Megan Thee Stallion Hottie Sauce at Popeyes
42. Verstappen vs. Hamilton, and the 2021 F1 season
Sports / Auto Racing
43. The intense feeling of dread created by The White Lotus
44. The return of over-the-top album rollouts
Music Promotion / St. Vincent / Kanye West Ye / Lil Nas X / Adele
45. Westside Gunn's album Hitler Wears Hermes 8: Side B
46. Halo Infinite
Video Game / Xbox
47. TOMPA BAY
Sports / NFL Football / Super Bowl LV / Tampa Bay Buccaneers / Tom Brady
48. Jamie Dornan's Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar and Belfast musical double-double
Film Scenes / Dir: Josh Greenbaum | Dir: Kenneth Branagh
49. It Never Ends: A Memoir with Nice Memories by Tom Scharpling
Book / A memoir of a life writing comedy amidst a lifelong struggle with mental illness
50. The History of the Atlanta Falcons
YouTube Series
51. The Other Two S02
Television Series / S01 / Amazon Prime Video
53. The Ever Given getting stuck in the Suez Canal
I'm too old for this ship
54. Ben Affleck's 2021 redemption arc, peaking with the triumphant return of Bennifer
Back Baby Back
Musical Artist
56. Ziwe
57. The voice cast for Illumination's Mario movie
He's so cool
58. The Lady and the Dale
Television Series / S01 / HBO / Profile of car entrepreneur, lifelong scammer, and trans pioneer Elizabeth Carmichael
59. The Power of the Dog
Film / Dir: Jane Campion / Netflix
60. "Damn!" – Kevin Hart's reaction to Don Cheadle's age
Television Moment / Hart to Heart / S01E02 / Peacock
61. Joshua Bassett coming out of the closet a week before Olivia Rodrigo released Sour
Jon Y: Duplicate pick. Select again.
61. "Double homicide…"
Television Moment / Joseline's Cabaret: Atlanta / S01E01 / Zeus
Jon Y: Do you want the meme or the curse? Because the meme is from 2020.
Stan: Shit, I wanted the meme. I saw it on the big board and didn't check.
62. Nick Castellanos home run
62. Jeopardy! fails to make one (1) hire
Drop the Mike
63. Tricking Rick Mitchell into Kissing the Dog Across the Country!
Film Scene / The Mitchells vs. the Machines / Dir: Michael Rianda, Jeff Rowe / Netflix
64. The Twitter thread about dating inspired by Dell and Sonya Curry's divorce
They pegging out here…
65. Selling Sunset's Christine Quinn, the supervillain the streaming era deserves
Television Character / S04 / Netflix
66. No Sudden Move
Film / Dir: Steven Soderbergh / HBO Max / A document theft in 1954 Detroit grows increasingly tricky
67. Anything for Selena
Podcast Series / A quest to understand how Selena Quintanilla has become a potent symbol for tensions around race, class, and body politics in the United States
68. The hyper-capitalization of everything and questionable ethics of digital ownership via NFTs
Planet of the Bored Apes
Devon: My next pick is this ENTIRE THREAD lol.
Jon Y: Sorry…
Devon: NO WAY YOU TOOK THAT THREAD.
69. Guilty Gear Strive
70. Metroid Dread (finally!)
Video Game / Switch
71. AJR – "Way Less Sad"
Song / OK Orchestra LP
72. The Jenkins and Jones Podcast: "The Wild Boy Power Rankings of Bishop Sycamore High School"
Podcast / E189
Russell: I was going to take the Dell Curry single life thread, but I was too late.
73. The Milk Crate Challenge, and the pursuit of viral infamy
74. Burna Boy – "Kilometre"
Ben: I would pick "Saweetie's 2021," but Drew swiped her at 41.
75. Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy being good
Video Game / PC, PlayStation, Switch, Xbox
76. Batman going down on Catwoman
Debate | Television Moment That Wasn't / Harley Quinn / S03 / HBO Max
77. Ten Year Old Tom
Television Series / S01 / HBO Max / Ill-fated misadventures of a remarkably average kid
Adam: Jon Bell was saving this for last. Ha. Fuck you, Jon Bell.
https://assets.adamriff.com/videos/strstrck0102.mp4
78. Rose Matafeo being insanely delightful in Starstruck
Television Performance / S01 / HBO Max
Molly: I was worried I was saving her for too late.
79. The launch of Nextlander following Brad, Alex, and Vinny's departure from Giant Bomb
Video Game Media Empire
80. Jazmine Sullivan's album Heaux Tales
81. Beyond the Infinite Two Minutes
Film / Dir: Junta Yamaguchi
82. Ultramega
Comics Series / A cosmic plague has spread, transforming everyday people into violent, monstrous kaiju
Adam: God damn it. Jon Bell picked my next pick. He picked BOTH comics I wanted.
84. The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
Television Series / S01, S02 / Bravo
Drew: Damn, a steal of a pick. Right up there with Jen Shah's assistant sneaking that purse out of Meredith's boutique. Grand larceny!
85. WizKid – "Essence (feat. Tems)"
Song / Made in Lagos LP
86. Licorice Pizza
Film / Dir: Paul Thomas Anderson
Jon Y: Fuck! I gambled on drafting this at 88 and lost.
Stan: I was only able to see it because I'm on a last minute work trip to New York.
Jon Y: [shakes fist at Stan's employer]
87. Stern's Godzilla pinball machine
88. "Death in the Family": Hitman III's murder mystery mission
89. Hailee Steinfeld as Kate Bishop in Hawkeye, capping off a banner year for famous part-Filipinos
Television Performance / S01 / Disney+ | H.E.R. wins an Oscar / The Saweetie Meal at McDonald's / Silk Sonic
90. Home Is Where's album I Became Birds
91. A Little Devil in America: Notes in Praise of Black Performance by Hanif Abdurraqib
Book / A reflection on how Black performance is inextricably woven into the fabric of American culture
92. The Six Sidekicks of Trigger Keaton
Comics Series / The world's most unlikable action star has been found dead, and his previous television sidekicks are looking to solve the mystery
Adam: Jon Bell was going to pick this. I'm glad I got it because that's too many comics for one man.
93. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 1+2
94. And Just Like That…, and Peleton's ad in response
Television Series / S01, S01E01 / HBO Max | Viral Marketing
95. The Savannah Bananas making baseball fun again
Sports / CPL Baseball
96. Will Smith's mid-life crisis
Wild Wild West Philadelphian | Television Series / Welcome to Earth / S01 / Disney+
97. Meet the Richardsons S02
Television Series / Dave
98. Doom Patrol S03
99. Search Party S04, and its gonzo finale
Television Series | Television Episode / S04E10 / HBO Max / Dory witnesses her own funeral
100. Marvel's M.O.D.O.K.
101. Trey Parker and Matt Stone's $935 million South Park deal with ViacomCBS
Muchas Casas Bonitas
102. The Sex Lives of College Girls
Television Series / S01 / HBO Max / Four freshman roommates discover (or reinvent) themselves
103. The NBA playoffs, and a new generation of superstars making the leap
Sports / Basketball / Giannis Antetokounmpo / Devin Booker / Trae Young
Drew: Castellanos was more like 2020, right?
Jon: Yup.
104. The surreal, ever-evolving debacle that is Ben Simmons' standing with the Philadelphia 76ers
Sports / NBA Basketball
105. John Cena apologizing for calling Taiwan a country
Film PR / F9: The Fast Saga / Dir: Justin Lin
Adam: Ah, you gotta be kidding. "Celebrities apologizing to Israel and China" was gonna be my next pick.
106. What's the Furthest Place From Here?
Comics Series / A post-apocalyptic coming-of-age story about the things that matter most – your survival, your loved ones, and your record collection
107. Angel Olsen's 1980s cover EP Aisles
108. Regé-Jean Page's meteoric rise to stardom off of Elizabethan mommy porn
Television Series / Bridgerton / S01 / Netflix
Final Round Wild Card Pick
Along with your final pick, please select something from 2021 that you have yet to experience as of 15 December 2021 but are keen on.
R10 • Noelle
109. Zola
Film / Dir: Janicza Bravo
+ Don't Look Up
Film / Dir: Adam McKay / Netflix
R10 • Stan
110. Courtney Barnett's album Things Take Time, Take Time
+ The Worst Person in the World
Film / Dir: Joachim Trier
R10 • Jon B
111. Friend of the Devil: A Reckless Book
Graphic Novel / When a missing woman shows up in the background of an old B-movie, troublemaker-for-hire Ethan Reckless is drawn into Hollywood's secret occult underbelly
+ Red Rocket
Film / Dir: Sean Baker
R10 • Jon Y
112. It Takes Two
Video Game / PC, PlayStation, Xbox
+ Spider-Man: No Way Home
Film / Dir: Jon Watts
Jon Y: Y'all really let No Way Home slip to me.
R10 • Drew
113. AITA for "perpetuating ethnic stereotypes" about Jorts?
Reddit Post
+ The Witcher S02
Television Series / Netflix
R10 • Jeff
114. Wet Leg, and the "2005 blog buzz" atmosphere around their breakout
Music Band
+ The Matrix Resurrections
Film / Dir: Lana Wachowski
R10 • Molly
115. "Father, son, and House of Gucci."
Film Quote / House of Gucci / Dir: Ridley Scott
+ The Tragedy of Macbeth
Film / Dir: Joel Coen / Apple TV+
R10 • Adam
116. Sellout: The Major-Label Feeding Frenzy That Swept Punk, Emo, and Hardcore (1994–2007) by Dan Ozzi
Book / The stories of 11 bands and their major label debut albums
+ The Book of Boba Fett
R10 • Devon
117. Venom: Let There Be Carnage
Film / Dir: Andy Serkis
+ Boldy James and The Alchemist's album Super Tecmo Bo
R10 • Aaron
118. Resident Evil Village, and its tall vampire lady who made the internet horny
+ Cobra Kai S04
R10 • Ben
119. Zoom Cat Lawyer
+ Midnight Mass
R10 • Russell
120. Cinnamon Toast Shrimp Tails
You tellin' me…
+ Chillin Island
Jon Y: Jensen Karp: Mr. Irrelevant. Milkshake Ducked into oblivion.
20 HBO/HBO Max series/films!
Jeff: Picking Matrix for my wild card over Station Eleven might be my biggest miss in the history of the draft.
Undrafted!
Crying in H Mart
Eve Fartlow
Framing Britney Spears
Logan Paul vs. Floyd Mayweather
Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl
r/WallStreetBets and GameStop
SNL Hosts Introducing the Musical Guest
Steve Burns' Blue's Clues video
The Super League
Yassification
Click to view the draft by team.
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Adam Riff™ Clips of the Year
on	 26 Dec 21	 25 Dec 21
1. Cobra Kai
2. The Simpsons
3. WandaVision
4. Mr. Mayor
5. Search Party
7. The New York Times Presents: Framing Britney Spears
8. It's a Sin
9. Ginny and Georgia
10. WWE SmackDown
11. AEW Revolution
12. Zack Snyder's Justice League
14. Made for Love
15. Jeopardy!
16. Exterminate All the Brutes
17. Chad
19. Girls5eva
20. That Damn Michael Che
21. Let's Be Real
23. Bo Burnham: Inside
26. Dave
28. I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson
30. Starstruck
31. American Horror Stories
32. Rick and Morty
34. Awkwafina Is Nora From Queens
37. Heels
38. The Premise
39. Star Wars: Visions
40. Only Murders in the Building
42. Dear White People
44. Chucky
45. The Love Trap
46. South Side
47. Saturday Night Live
48. Hawkeye
49. How To with John Wilson
50. PEN15
51. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
https://assets.adamriff.com/videos/thxtthngyt0104.mp4
52. Good Pho U (The Next Thing You Eat, S01E04)
Molly and Taurean eating appetizers (Insecure, S05E09)
Frank eats a turd (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E07)
Charlie erupts in tearful agony (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E08)
"So where's the food? Nigga really in the mood for a quiche. You a ham, no ham? You Kosher?" (Insecure, S05E09)
"Hey, I read somewhere that Denver has 0.001 Black people per capita, so, for every person, there's only 0.001 Black people. You about to be a fraction, nigga." (Insecure, S05E09)
"Oh, no, sir. L.A. got some bomb barbecue spots."
"Yeah, I mean, you got Woody's, Bludso's, Moo's Craft, Ray's." (Insecure, S05E09)
"Nah, once people have Texas barbecue, they know what's good."
"Barbecue must not be good enough to keep 'em there." (Insecure, S05E09)
♫: 6ixbuzz – "Up and Down [feat. Pressa and Houdini]" (Insecure, S05E09)
"Get to movin', tartare." (Insecure, S05E09)
"What you're doing right now, is you puttin' bad miles on your johnson. You never heard of a car have highway miles and fuckin' city miles?"
"I never heard of miles on a johnson."
"Right now, we got dick depreciation." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E09)
"Also, when I get excited, I jump up suddenly, like at a sports game or something, a little, little, little, little pee-pee escapes. I wanna wear white pants with you." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E09)
"Where's all this stuff come from?"
"Most of this comes from, uh, women who died at Park La Brea Apartments." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E09)
"I've never had goulash."
"Me either."
"Nice knowing you, pre-goulash." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E09)
Morning Becomes Eclectic (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E09)
"Maybe we're not goulash guys." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E09)
"So my vagina has to get involved in this whole fucking thing?" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E09)
"Look at this beautiful senior that I'm with." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E09)
"Have a vagina viewing another time." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E09)
"I'm not gonna get the, uh, vaginal surgery."
"Well, Susie gave me a little sneak peek and…I do not want any part of that. It was like a melted cave." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E09)
"Kate, you're my partner." (Hawkeye, S01E06)
"It worked, bro, we went to Maroon 5 instead." (Hawkeye, S01E06)
Hawkeye Season Grade: C
"I knew you couldn't host a dinner without a motive." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E07)
"He had me up against the wall. What was I supposed to do?"
"Not eat a poopy!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E07)
"I'm so sorry about Frank. I can't believe he tried to feed you shit." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E07)
"Now I hate to say this, you know, but it is an emergency. So I'm just gonna blurt it right out. Bros before hos." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E08)
"I was trying to decompress my Vitruvian spine. I'm sorry!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E08)
"Don't you dare get another shamrock tattoo, you son of a bitch!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E08)
"To be fair, COVID killed your dad. I just gave it to him." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E08)
"Goddamn it! This is exactly what I was worried about. It's the end of the Vitruvian era! It's over!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E08)
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season Grade: C
License plates (How To with John Wilson, S02E05)
"Hello, Lon, Baker, Bex, other assorted pieces of fucking shit." (MacGruber, S01E05)
"Oh, I see. So when the going gets tough, the tough run back to their floppy-dicked husbands." (MacGruber, S01E05)
♫: Crash Test Dummies – "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" (MacGruber, S01E05)
"You have any idea what it's like to see your mother's brains splatter all over your face and cake?" (MacGruber, S01E05)
"Why won't you just cum on me?" (MacGruber, S01E05)
"Tongues intertwined, twisted, coiled liked two serpents. Like the two snakes on that medical doctor symbol." (MacGruber, S01E05)
"I don't close my eyes and trace Barrett's testicles with my tongue, remembering every wrinkle and pimple on yours. And I don't round the horn with my mouth and nose, hoping to helplessly fall down your rabbit hole like…Alice in the looking glass, forgetting myself, forgetting everything, becoming at once tiny and giant, losing myself in your musky, damp, verdant…life-giving earth." (MacGruber, S01E05)
The Final AR™TV World Drama Champion: Succession
The Final AR™TV World Comedy Champion: How To with John Wilson
with	0 Comments	Share Facebook Twitter Email in	clip of the week
This is my husband, Chad
Tonight's Feast of the Seven Fishes:
1-3: Alcoholic-beverage-flavoured, cold-smoked farmed salmon
4: CLT
5-6: Thousand-Island-sauce-style squid and smelt
7: Lobsta BFT (whole, two-pound butter-poached lobster wrapped in a cheese-stuffed flour tortilla)
And to drink?
Swim out past the breakers
Top titles of 2021:
1. Kitchen Nightmares's YouTube channel
Top 2 television title sequences of 2021:
2. Snabba Cash
1. Yellowjackets
Top 3 Ringer podcasts about Succession of 2021:
3. The Prestige TV Podcast Friday precaps
2 The Prestige TV Podcast Wednesday deep dives
1. The Watch Monday instant reactions
Top 4 guests on Kara Swisher's official Succession podcast of 2021:
4. Organizational psychologist Adam Grant
2. Party designer for the wealthy Ken Fulk
1. Anthony Scaramucci
Top 5 problematic Jeopardy! hosts of 2021:
5. Ken Jennings
4. Mayim Bialik
3. Dr. Oz
2. Aaron Rodgers
1. Mike Richards
Top 6 MAGA Masked Singer contestants of 2021:
6. Honey Boo Boo
5. Larry the Cable Guy
4. Willie Robertson
3. Johnny Rotten
2. Rob Schneider
1. Caitlyn Jenner
Top 7 Black supporting characters in a new series of 2021:
7. Kareem (Flatbush Misdemeanors)
6. Marcus (Hacks)
5. Lamar (BMF)
4. Homer (The Underground Railroad)
3. Agent 355 (Y: The Last Man)
2. Earl (Blindspotting)
1. Yogi (Love Life)
Top 100 cringiest scenes from a Netflix original of 2021:
This should be an annual supercut. I'd make it myself if I consumed more Netflix content.
"Pound back jerk chicken" (Ginny and Georgia)
Addison Rae singing (He's All That)
Ed (Cowboy Bebop)…
https://assets.adamriff.com/videos/iasip1506.mp4
51. Soul Coughing (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E06)
Irma eating bruschetta (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E08)
Kate and Yelena (Hawkeye, S01E05)
"You're thinking every bit of me wants to tell this…slab of gravlax to go fuck himself." (Succession, S03E09)
"Um… You kind of tried to kill yourself, dude, and that's not cool."
"I fell off an inflatable." (Succession, S03E09)
"I guess through her dad, she's, like, eighth in line for the throne of Luxembourg?"
"Eighth in line? Greg, you marry her, you're a plane crash away from becoming Europe's weirdest king!"
"Don't be silly."
"Dude, you off a couple of hemophiliacs and you'll be the king of Luxembourg. You'd sound like a fancy cookie." (Succession, S03E09)
"Dad's putting together a more adhesive and potent gloop."
"Working on his fucking…his jism?" (Succession, S03E09)
"I have some beef with Greenpeace." (Succession, S03E09)
"I mean, who hasn't clipped the odd kid with a Porsche, am I right?" (Succession, S03E09)
"I'm not sure I wanna pull out a move like that. Maybe I just stick with what I got."
"Which is what? Hard drive full of dick pics?" (Succession, S03E09)
"Say hello to someone who could be Logan's ex-wife's step-cousin-in-law and heir apparent to the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg. 12 times removed or some shit. And potential count of somewhere and legitimate claimant to the dormant throne of Italy."
"What, Greg?"
"Me and the contessa. We're hitting it off. She's having an existential crisis about her personal branding and I'm right in there to wheedle away." (Succession, S03E09)
"Do you want a deal with the devil?"
"Well… What am I gonna do with a soul anyways?" (Succession, S03E09)
"What have you got in your fucking hand?"
"What have I got? I don't know, fucking…love?
"Love? You come for me…with love?" (Succession, S03E09)
Succession Season Grade: B
"I've always loved that quote from the movie Magnolia. Um, 'We may be through with the past, but the past isn't through with us.'"
"Yeah, I didn't see that one." (Dexter, S09E06)
"It's never good to kill the family member of a serial killer." (Dexter, S09E06)
"The people who matter recognize Daria, okay?" (Yellowjackets, S01E05)
"Call me when you're ready to shake Misty down for Motrin." (Yellowjackets, S01E05)
♫: BIA – "SKATE" (Insecure, S05E08)
"Hi, welcome. Walk tall, be Black. Hi. Love Blackly, walk safely, okay? Ooh, and welcome to you, too. Yes, totally rad that you're here." (Insecure, S05E08)
♫: Vince Staples – "Are You With That?" (Insecure, S05E08)
Ty Dolla Sign (Insecure, S05E08)
"Wanted for armed robbery, armed battery, and stealin' medieval armor from the Excalibur." (Insecure, S05E08)
"Yeah, I'd like the bruschetta."
"The bruschetta, you got it."
"I would advise against that."
"You get little bits of tomato on a piece of hard bread. They pile it up…"
"Yeah?"
"You take a bite it all falls, they're very structurally unsound. Can you bring an extra layer of bread for the bruschetta?"
"That would just be a tomato sandwich." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E08)
"Little Women?"
"Yeah."
"I cannot stand those March sisters. Boy, do they get on my nerves."
"What about them gets on your nerves?"
"The giggling all the time, making jam, getting under the blanket and cozying up with Marmee. Oh, they're all so talented in their own right. A writer, and a musician, and an artist. And one, of course, has to be an actor. Is there no creative realm these sisters can't conquer?" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E08)
"Ooh, I got, like, a bubble here. You got any Gas-X?"
"Leon, is there anything you have that might disperse the bubble?" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E08)
"What the fuck, man? You're in a bad spot, Larry. Gotta tap that ass under duress? That's the worst."
"Have you ever tapped someone under duress?"
"Course I have. My uncle passed away unexpectedly. So, I had to tap this cougar at this mortuary. Got a half off that coffin."
"I hope this turns out as successful as your dead uncle's coffin." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E08)
"You like Little Women?"
"Fucking love 'em. I stack two on top of each other, make 'em one whole women. Tap that ass." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E08)
"I don't like anything unnatural near my lymph." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E08)
"Come and sit beside me."
"I'd love to except I bruised my testicle getting off the Peloton." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E08)
"So, then I found out his name was Tannenbaum. I played the Jew card, I couldn't believe it. It worked like a charm."
"You gotta play those fucking cards. I'm telling you, man."
"Imagine if he was bald, what I could've done?"
"I got a whole fucking deck of cards. I… I got the Black card, I got the handsome card, the tall card, the Big Johnson card…" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E08)
"It feels like, as a guy who's lost a certain amount of hair, I was expected to get into woodworking." (Joe Pera Talks With You, S03E09)
"Look at us. No kid deserves this." (Joe Pera Talks With You, S03E09)
"Well, I got my license back, so I'm gonna go take the family for a drive."
"Nice. Good time of year for that."
"Yeah. It is nice. It's my favorite activity, and I'm never gonna drink and drive ever again."
"Okay." (Joe Pera Talks With You, S03E09)
Joe Pera Talks With You Season Grade: C
Sriracha (Hawkeye, S01E05)
"The trail of blood that follows him, it could wrap around the entire world."
"Okay. Wow. That was very Russian." (Hawkeye, S01E05)
Coin trick callback (Hawkeye, S01E05)
"Do we look like Royal Tenenbaums?" (Hawkeye, S01E05)
"It's bad enough the Mayor made us come in on L.A. Christmas Eve."
"Christmas Eve? It's the 22nd."
"Yeah, exactly, it's the three to seven days before Christmas when everyone leaves to go celebrate someplace human." (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"♪ And it's hard as a crotch out in Sherman Oaks ♪" (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"Hey, sorry to interrupt, but can either of you think of a Christmas-y word that rhymes with 'horchata'?"
"Not now, Jayden."
"It's a little bent, but I'll try it." (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"No, Spirit Airlines. The one time I need you to be trash, you're on time?" (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"Sorry, but I'm catching my flight to PA, and then I'm going to the Wawa where Mare of Easttown and my cousin Nico were shot." (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"I want someone to make snide comments with or kiss under the mistletoe, our breath rich with Andes mints and ham." (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"There's definitely an energy between you. Like, you're the two hottest people at a Rite Aid, and you know it." (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"Hey, tell your boss this is like a baby saying curse words – not cute, not funny." (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"Do you like this time of year?"
"Parts of it. Pfeffernuesse, that Mariah Carey song, 'Touch My Body.'" (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"Patrick is in love with you, and now you get to do what Keira Knightley couldn't pull off back in the day, and I don't mean low-rise jeans with a bralette." (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"Glad to hear it, my new friend… Oh, God, what's his name? I know it's a kind of salad. Caprese." (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"He's about to guess Orly's favorite restaurant."
"Is it Matsuhisa Aspen?"
"Yeah, but isn't that everyone's favorite restaurant? Sorry, I hear it." (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"She's a retired ballerina. Her breasts got too large to continue dancing." (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"Arpi, yes, yes, run to him! Run as fast as your bone density allows!" (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"All I wanted to do was get home to my Lola, sit on her plastic-covered couch, and eat bibingka together, and this was my last chance. She's not dying, I just plan on doing keto in the new year." (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"That woman thinks everything you did today was romantic because she's been brainwashed by some British people. What you did today is not romantic, it's weird. And Love Actually sounds like a deeply problematic movie. One of the stories is Bilbo Baggins shooting a porno on Christmas." (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"Giving a good gift isn't about what you want. It's about what the recipient wants."
"Of course. Oh, my God, it's like sex." (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"♪ There's a fist fight at the Trader Joe's on Vine ♪" (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"♪ Grab a Pink's hot dog / Drink a twink's eggnog ♪" (Mr. Mayor, S01E10)
"I'm one wet wipe away from being your MILF." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E05)
"I dig it here, man. Yeah, you know, you get all the comforts of Philly. You got drunks, you got Irish people, you got, um…I guess that's the same thing." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E05)
"Lucky for you, I happen to have experience covering up blunt force trauma." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E05)
"We're into all the same shit. Um, cheese, ghouls…" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E05)
"Everybody was on the island that weekend. Jizzaline…" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E05)
"He didn't do anything with the kids, but he was really into the manatees, which, by the way, also got very sexual."
"Frank, can you, can you just stop talking about sexual things with manatees?"
"The following year, he doesn't show up, the manatee's all bent out of shape. I mean, this manatee was so depressed, she actually swam into a boat propeller. Boom! Blammo! Mantacide." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E05)
"Am I to believe that you're a natural redhead and yet there's no odor?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E05)
"That's not rubbish. It's, uh, shredded documents from a sex island." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E05)
"Give me a chance, please. I can still be an obnoxious American mom you'd like to F!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E05)
"I don't trade roles for sex."
"Oh, goddamn feminists ruin everything." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E05)
"The role is 'abused wife.'"
"Is it Abused Wife Number One?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E05)
"Oh, my God, I'm on a call sheet! That's my name! I can't believe this! I'm gonna be an abused wife!" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E05)
Dee can't pour Guinness (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E06)
Frank trying to suck a seed out of his teeth (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E06)
"♪ And I am Frank, and I factor in somehow ♪ Aw, I shouldn't have used a screw." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E06)
"Oh, Father, look, I-I've been S'ing and F'ing my way through life for far too long. I think it's time that I started sucking down the words of the Bible. And instead of looking for pieces of ass, I'd just look for peace." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E06)
"I will S and F him into oblivion." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E06)
"I'm talking to the castle."
"You're talking to the castle?" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E06)
"You can theorize all you want on changing events that happened in the past, but I promise you…I fuck that pangolin every single time." (South Park: Post COVID: The Return of COVID, 17 Dec 21)
"You people need to stop trying to change the past! COVID happened. Space Jam 2 happened." (South Park: Post COVID: The Return of COVID, 17 Dec 21)
"Oh, Jesus, like the future needs another fucking pho shop." (South Park: Post COVID: The Return of COVID, 17 Dec 21)
"If Butters wants to pitch investments, he might go to one of those co-working coffee flex spaces. That's where his biggest targets will hang out." (South Park: Post COVID: The Return of COVID, 17 Dec 21)
"It's the future. You can't just sell food to people. You lure your customers in with some good pancakes and french fries, and then you…fuck 'em with some NFTs!" (South Park: Post COVID: The Return of COVID, 17 Dec 21)
"Here. It's a farting rainbow with Tom Brady's signature." (South Park: Post COVID: The Return of COVID, 17 Dec 21)
"Jesus, I feel like an Islamic hooker in a gay bar – totally normal and as respectable as any other human being." (South Park: Post COVID: The Return of COVID, 17 Dec 21)
"The pandemic happened and they made Space Jam 2. Soon, there will be a Space Jam 6 and 7, and 8. Like tears…in rain." (South Park: Post COVID: The Return of COVID, 17 Dec 21)
"Kenny just won the Nobel Prize for combining dark matter and breast implants!" (South Park: Post COVID: The Return of COVID, 17 Dec 21)
Receipt printing (Station Eleven, S01E01)
Navy Pier (Station Eleven, S01E01)
♫: Bob Dylan – "Don't Think Twice, It's All Right" (Station Eleven, S01E01)
♫: The jam at 34:30 (Station Eleven, S01E02)
"When mankind first looked up to the stars, mankind thought: non-linear delivery options…what are those things?" (Station Eleven, S01E03)
♫: Etta James – "I'd Rather Go Blind" (Station Eleven, S01E03)
"Uh, Jay Leno is the reincarnation of Molière" (How To with John Wilson, S02E04)
"Iguana Belts w/ Head" (How To with John Wilson, S02E04)
"And I apologize with my whole heart, base to tip, so you have to forgive me." (MacGruber, S01E01)
"I don't mind that you put your penis in Vicki's vagina, but put it in her heart too."
"You got it, Mac." (MacGruber, S01E01)
"Ain't nothing but a MacG thing." (MacGruber, S01E01)
"There's only one person in the world who knows where Brimstone is, and his name rhymes with 'fuck you-ber.'" (MacGruber, S01E02)
"You're tying play me like a blank CD, but we all know what happens to blank CDs – they get burned." (MacGruber, S01E02)
"Go fuck yourself."
"Another home run. Have you been working on these?"
"I sure have, and I don't accept your compliment." (MacGruber, S01E02)
"They asked him to do a suicide mission, and he RSVP'd, 'Yass, queen.'" (MacGruber, S01E02)
"Oh, he was such a giving partner. He never wanted me to have to do any of the work. Sometimes he would even tell me to not talk so he could picture something. Probably just the two of us on a hike or swimming at the Y. We would build to this crescendo, and he would generously finish for the both of us, and then use the restroom. Be in there for a while. Then he would come, and in his best Jim Carrey voice, he would say, 'Do not go in there.' He would shake my hand, ask me to leave, and then hug me with one arm. It was pure bliss." (MacGruber, S01E02)
"You're better than this. Be best. Be best." (MacGruber, S01E02)
"I cannot wait to tell Queeth about it, right before I rip out his throat and take a major dump down his neck. You know what that's called, huh? An 'upper-necker.'" (MacGruber, S01E02)
"He always wanted to pull out someone's eyes." (MacGruber, S01E02)
(MacGruber, S01E02)
"I've been sitting around waiting for some Prince Charming when all along, my Shrek has been standing right in front of me the whole time." (MacGruber, S01E03)
"Yeah, I'm at your 11:00. Sorry, Central Standard Time." (MacGruber, S01E04)
The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: Succession
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: How To with John Wilson
Get spit on by a xenomorph and chopped by a fan
Under-discussed what a great year Rebecca Hall had: starred in The Night House, directed Passing, and got to say "Kong bows to no one." [source]
Adam Driver's 2021:
• Jackhammers Lady Gaga on a desk in House of Gucci
• Performs singing cunnilingus on Marion Cotillard in Annette
• Rapes Jodie Comer in The Last Duel
A veritable Fuck, Marry, Kill.
// visiting my parents
"Jon, you have a lot of clothes with animal faces or monster faces on them. You should stop wearing them. They will bring you bad luck."
"Jon, you walk too fast. You need to walk slower. It's better for your spine."
Why does she have a shoebox full of empty Trader Joe's Grapefruit and Lemon Hand Sanitizer Spray bottles?
https://assets.adamriff.com/videos/pn150215.mp4
50. First Kiss (PEN15, S02E15)
"She says she can't live off…macaroni and memorial services."
"Oh, wow! Poor old Eleanor Rigby wants to eat dick and drink champagne for the rest of her life instead?" (Succession, S03E08)
"Oh, no. Scary Poppins is on maneuvers." (Succession, S03E08)
"Maybe he's just going to Macao and he's feeling lucky." (Succession, S03E08)
"Maybe he's trying to fuck a gaming site something with…" (Succession, S03E08)
"Well, I'm not used to negotiating via eggplant. I'm not sure he wants the deal. He might just want a fucking moussaka." (Succession, S03E08)
"He had a bit of bad luck with a salmon-smoking business and he lost his place in Pimlico." (Succession, S03E08)
"Do not try to fuck Laurie." (Succession, S03E08)
"Iverson!" (Succession, S03E08)
"Life's not knights on horseback. It's a number on a piece of paper. It's a fight for a knife in the mud." (Succession, S03E08)
"I'm a great revolutionary. A bit of fucking spice. Bit of fun. A bit of truth. I fucking know things about the world, or I wouldn't turn a buck. Not necessarily nice things." (Succession, S03E08)
"I'm already so stressed, I'm jerking dust." (Succession, S03E08)
"Is he a Twitter panty-flasher? Or is he a serious person?" (Succession, S03E08)
"I can win any bout with a boxer fuck, but I don't know how to knock out a clown." (Succession, S03E08)
"Have you heard of dick pics, dad?"
"Well, we do publish a number of popular newspapers, so yes, son." (Succession, S03E08)
"I don't want her hanging around like frozen fucking piss." (Succession, S03E08)
Angel (Dexter, S09E05)
"Hell, I should kill this guy just because of the wallpaper." (Dexter, S09E05)
"I hate to break it to you, but we're not Rizzoli and Isles. I don't need you." (Yellowjackets, S01E04)
"How 'bout you gimme some of that e pluribus anus?" (Insecure, S05E07)
♫: Latto – "On God" (Insecure, S05E07)
"Derek and I might be moving to Denver."
"Wait, what the fuck?"
"Denver, Denver? Like the omelet?" (Insecure, S05E07)
"You gotta be really intentional with the people you love." (Insecure, S05E07)
"I just texted Daniel Kaluuya your address, so y'all gonna have to queen and scram."
"'Get out' was right there, girl."
"Bitch, shut the fuck up!" (Insecure, S05E07)
"Non-pros, there's nothing they love more than when actors tell them what they think."
"Wow. What a mouthful." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E07)
"Have you ever thought about maybe running for, uh, senator, or congresswoman?"
"Uh, no?"
"What about a congresswoman?"
"I don't wanna move to D.C. Too cold." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E07)
"Dr. Frankenstein didn't fuck the monster bride."
"How you make a woman like that and not tap it?" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E07)
"Can't a motherfucker live a life?" (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E07)
"But that golf, that's white man problems."
"Yeah. We have golf. You have voting." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E07)
"He's very strong on environmental issues."
"Really? Like what?"
"He respects wood." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E07)
"Well, I hate people individually, but I love mankind." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E07)
"I tapped the lady that made the holes." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E07)
"You're voting for Reimenschneider?"
"Hmm. I have a proposition for you. I'm voting for Mayhew. We kinda cancel each other out. You know, this line? Why don't we get the hell outta here?"
"I like it. Yeah." (Curb Your Enthusiasm, S11E07)
"Guess who came into the bar during my shift last night?"
"The feds?"
"Kim Dotcom." (Joe Pera Talks With You, S03E07)
"(Not allowed to show game footage)" (Joe Pera Talks With You, S03E08)
"Oh, my God. You're… You're Archer."
"Hawkeye."
"Clint."
"It's the branding issue, I'm telling you." (Hawkeye, S01E04)
"She's awfully composed around her own idol. If I ever met Huey Lewis, I'd be a wreck." (Hawkeye, S01E04)
"My wife gave me this bag. It's embroidered. It says 'Bombshell.'" (Hawkeye, S01E04)
"Richie Keen, keep it clean." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E03)
"You know, Dennis looks like Jerry Seinfeld."
"Thanks, man. Yeah, that's kind of what I was going for."
"Yeah. I don't like how mean they are to each other on that show." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E03)
"Okay, I'll walk on my toes, so you can't tell I'm on skates." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E03)
"We can legally fire her and bring in whichever man we want."
"Oh… Okay. I see, I see where you were going with that."
"Yeah, he's got an agenda." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E04)
"Rumor has it that he also did a short stint making drinks for Kitty Dukakis."
"Okay, okay. Interesting."
"You know those were stiff." (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E04)
"'Whiskey beer island of green and fight.'" (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S15E04)
"I would've liked to have said a few words."
"It's a funeral, not The Moth." (And Just Like That…, S01E02)
Chucky (And Just Like That…, S01E02)
"Weird Al" Yankovic – Bad Hair Day (How To with John Wilson, S02E03)
"He's huge in parking." (How To with John Wilson, S02E03)
Volvo casket (How To with John Wilson, S02E03)
"Yeah, I can't—I can't even do a mile run."
"Yeah, it's 'cause it turns into the mile walk every time." (PEN15, S02E13)
HIM shirt (PEN15, S02E13)
"Your knee is in my back."
"That's my dick." (PEN15, S02E13)
"What are you even talking about? I wipe fine, mom." (PEN15, S02E14)
"It's a massager." (PEN15, S02E14)
PEN15 Season Grade: C
Rings around my father's eyes
Barstool Sports Arizona Bowl, Jimmy Kimmel LA Bowl…
Wasabi Fenway Bowl?
PUBG Mobile New Mexico Bowl??
TaxAct Texas Bowl
TaxAct sponsors 11% of all bowl games.
Idea: A pop-up restaurant that serves bowls inspired by each bowl game.
Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl: Easy.
Tropical Smoothie Cafe Frisco Bowl: A fruit salad in a sourdough bread bowl.
Barstool Sports Arizona Bowl: A Sonoran hot dog topped with melted mozzarella and pepperoni.
Jimmy Kimmel LA Bowl: (Italian chopped salad + taco salad) bibimbap.
Wasabi Fenway Bowl: Wasabi and Fenway Frank fried rice.
PUBG Mobile New Mexico Bowl: A green chile Dorito pie.