I don't think anything really prepares you for the bitterness that comes part and parcel with baby loss.
Let's take it back to 2009. I think I was around 14/15 years old and halfway through secondary school. I had a long term boyfriend, but I couldn't picture a future together. I think it was trendy to be infatuated with tall, white boys back then. Admittedly, I much preferred burying my head in a Biology book than snogging on the field behind school.
Even though this relationship was relatively long term, it was never a forever feeling to me. I knew it was going to end with secondary school, because, quite frankly I needed someone with intellectual fibres running through them. This boy had none (sorry).
I had, however, thought about having children. A lot. Not with anyone in particular, but I would think about how I would love to marry someone and start a family.
It took me years to unravel this and to realise that what I was so desperately craving was a secure family unit. I had grown up with a broken family, been exposed to violent and volatile romantic relationships. I was technically homeless as a child and living through Women's Refuges for around a while when I was just 7 years old. I have two older half-brothers who I have no relationship with. My whole perception of "family" was warped and I felt disoriented in my feelings.
I craved those babies so badly because I wanted to build my own secure family. I was denied that right of a stable family home, and I wanted to take off and do it all for myself.
It wasn't until I met my current partner, that I started to reconsider these strong child-bearing urges. His family immediately took me in as their own. I had never felt this level of love and sheer appreciation and sense of 'family' before and it changed my outlook completely. I no longer craved that family environment, because I was welcomed straight into it.
The family I had selfishly been wanting was right in front of me. I realised I didn't need to bring another life into this world to feel complete. I was enough and I was whole; he made me understand that.
Years go by in a flash and suddenly I'm about to move in with the annoyingly handsome guy from Psychology class. I think it was 2017. We had known each other for 6 years and been together for 5. Pretty solid going. I was having surgery for my tumours and I was also on the pill. I was absolutely meticulous and never missed a single day- it became part of my morning routine: shower, skincare, brush teeth, take the pill.
I ended up having an ectopic pregnancy in summer 2017. At the time, I was also having treatment and surgery for other health issues. It was a truly testing time and I was thoroughly broken by the end of it.
Night after night, waking up in pools of blood, in pain, hoping that I would just hurry up and miscarry quickly like my friend had. It went on for around 2 weeks and I never really dealt with the emotional pain of it all.
Shortly before all of this, 2 close friends (not a couple, 2 separate situations) had announced that they would be having children. These people were very close to us, and I couldn't help but feel like a failure of a woman.
I took myself back to those younger years, a time when I wanted nothing more than to be a parent, yet I was a failure. I failed to carry a life into this world, the sole purpose of being a living human being.
I distanced myself from friends who were having children and essentially broke down a few friendships with people who had kids. It sounds horrible, but I just couldn't stand the sight of a child.
I would get angry at crying children in supermarkets. I would cry in coffee shops when I saw mothers sit down with their pushchairs. I couldn't even bring myself to say congratulations when someone I knew had given birth.
The bitterness was well and truly abundant. It manifested itself as jokes eventually; chatting about how inconvenient and annoying it would be to have children. How lives are "ruined" and the fun spark in relationships are lost after kids. Honestly, it was an awful headspace and I can't imagine what it looked like from the outside.
Fast forward a bit more. 7 years together and we're as happy as can be. I still have that feeling of bitterness and thoughts of failure hidden deep down; I don't know how to get rid of them. I have tried counselling and therapy, none of which I've been able to stick to long enough. For the moment, antidepressants seem to suppress the emotion, but it's not the emotion that's the problem- it's the lack of emotion. It's the detachment, the overwhelming feeling of paranoia that people with children are 'rubbing it in my face' on purpose. The feeling that I will never be able to be a successful woman. The feeling of being defined by my reproductive system. The feeling of being emotionally unavailable for my friends' and relatives' children.
This isn't the only time I've been through this, and statistically speaking, it probably won't be the last.
I don't know where this state of mind will take me, but I hope it's to a place of healing and healthy, relationships with my loved ones' children. I hope this never happens again, but the realist in me is looking at the statistics and feeling hopeless.
I wish I had a conclusive parting word to leave you with; I'm sorry that I don't.
*P.S. I'm in no way suggesting that not being able to carry a child makes you less of a woman, I'm merely expressing my own personal feelings towards myself.
It's come to my attention that a lot of people and brands, who claim to be advocates for diversity and inclusivity are really just concerned with themselves and checking tick boxes.
It's no surprise to me when I get offered a casting job or a campaign in which I am the only POC or curvier blogger. As much as I love getting such opportunities, it strikes me as odd when brands ask me to work for them and I don't see myself represented within their product line(s) or marketing. Thus, leading me to believe that they've probably googled "black or brown UK blogger" or something along those lines. I often get emails from brands who have not even researched my blog/appearance and pitch me to work for their fake tan brand or promote their makeup when they cater for white skin and I am unable to actually use any of it.
I feel like the token for diversity and it's really fucking frustrating.
I was sent a campaign brief recently from a bath/shower product company in which it said: "we prefer flat-lay images that are light and bright, and no nudity; if showing skin product looks best on neutral skin tones". Can you even believe it? I can.
I was asked to work with a plus-size brand recently (which baffles me because I never really shop in plus-size shops, which is why I declined) and when I asked who else was on the campaign, everyone was western white. You're telling me that within a group of 40-50 bloggers/influencers, you could only think to ask one POC? I'm not buying it. This is what I mean by being a token; clearly, they looked at their line up and thought "wow we need someone who isn't white" and spared one spot.
Don't even get me started on makeup brands. I know with all of my heart that brands understand the complexity of foundation shades and how each colour needs two-three different undertones. I know this because they have 30 white person shades and 10 dark shades. Dark skin in itself is richer and more complex to match, so you'd think that there would be more of shade range, yes? No. I'm fed up of seeing the old marketing ploy of "we have 40 shades, we're so diverse" when in fact they have 30 shades for white people and a handful of token dark shades just so they can check the box of "diversity" and "catering for all skin tones". Stop with the marketing lies.
One of my ~fave~ things to do when a new brand follows me or I hear about a new brand, is to scroll down their Instagram feed and see how many dark-skinned POC they feature. I'm not talking white-mixed-race, light-skinned, because, let's face it, white people have that shade commercially covered now due to copious amounts of fake tan and black-fishing, but that's a chat for another day. I'm talking about my skin tone all the way up to Lupita's skin tone. Dark dark. 9 times out of 10 I'll be scrolling a while. I come across brands who are amazing at representation (Makeup Revolution, NYX, Fenty Beauty), and I come across brands who literally do not even feature one POC.
Now you could argue that featuring POC to be more inclusive is essentially the tick-boxing I've been talking about. And it is. But, it's the intention behind this that makes the difference. Are they making a change to be genuinely more inclusive and diverse? Or are they hopping on a diversity bandwagon for a hot minute?
It's usually easy to tell who is doing what- take the brand Papa Johns, for example. They were huge voices when it came to Black History Month and PRIDE. But their CEO and investors fund and openly support Trump's political campaigns and they were FOR building the wall...? A company which mixes Italian and American influences and prides their entire business on that mix of cultures... supports a political party and politician who is against immigration and is an outright racist? Let's not forget how incredibly racist history from America to Italy. Essentially they have jumped on the inclusivity and diversity train and used it as a giant marketing ploy to engage a further demographic, all as part of a business model. SO many brands do this. And yes, if you look deep enough, every brand is corrupt in some way or another, but really, it's about finding the obvious connections and getting down to the core of what they're doing and the intentions behind the actions.
Another example is Morphe being the champion for inclusivity and diversity for years, to then cast a collaboration with Jeffree Star *shudders with disgust*, a known and open racist. His token photos on his cosmetics profile aren't taking away from the fact that he told black people to "splash battery acid" on themselves to make themselves beautiful. Or the number of times he's called black people n*ggers. Or the fact that he called Jackie Aina a gorilla. Or the fact that he called brown people p*akis. Or the countless times he's been violent towards POC and women. Or literally any other time he's been racist or xenophobic.
If you think that supporting someone who acts this way is okay, then please have a long hard think about your actions. If buying a lipstick from this man is more of a priority than being an ally to black people and POC, then you should probably think about your actions. At the end of the day, it's make-up. There are SO many other brands who are un-problematic, CF and vegan that you can shop from, and you're choosing to support and put money in the pockets of a racist (who, by the way, gets his publicist to apologise every time, instead of actually making an apology himself).
People have this big energy for things like not listening to R. Kelly's music because he's a disgusting human, or even Michael Jackson, or Chris Brown. Where's this energy when it comes to boycotting white people? Buried in your privilege, perhaps?
I feel like I've rambled off track a little bit, so back to the matter at hand. Feeling like the token is especially shit when you don't realise it at first. I've worked on many campaigns, done many shoots, and turned up to many events in which I've been the only POC and it's just plain embarrassing to feel like everyone else fits a certain aesthetic and you don't. You're the odd one out and it's obvious.
I once turned up to a shoot for a brand back in 2017 and I was the only POC modelling. There weren't even any POC working the shoot. It was shots of the other three white girls, and then shots of me on my own. I felt alienated and awkward; it was a horrible experience. In the end, the shots of me weren't even used due to the brand "having enough photos" to use already. What's worse is that every other girl was getting paid for this work and I was doing it FOR FREE. When I asked the brand about why I wasn't paid, they said they had no budget left (a classic industry lie). But, the other girls had mentioned that they all stepped in last-minute as the other modelling agency cancelled. Bear in mind that I had confirmed for this campaign months before. If they had the budget to pay these models last minute, how had their budget ran out when I had asked to be paid months prior? I was the token. I didn't need to be paid because they knew all along they wouldn't ~actually~ use my shots.
So, what can you do if you're white? Well, if you're in a position to hire, hire more diverse people. If you're in a position to cast, cast more diverse people. If you're in a position to feature, feature more diverse people. If you're not in any of those positions, educate yourself. Follow more POC on social media, learn about different cultures. Learn correct terminology. Read "Why I'm No Longer Talking To White People About Race". If you see racism in real life, call it out. Educate yourself on casual racism and evaluate if you're a casual racist (you'd be surprised at how many white friends I've had who have been casual racists). Learn to appreciate people for who they are and what they bring to the table, regardless of their skin colour. Learn to appreciate people for who they are and what they bring to the table because of their skin colour. Be curious and observant and stand up for what's right.
I know this post has come off as very ~ranty~ but in all seriousness, I'm actually so friendly and 100% up for educating people. If you have any questions relating to diversity, race, inclusivity, anything at all, please do drop me a message and ask!
Dear mum, don't read this blog post.
I recently read that in a national survey, 1 out of 5 women said that they have never masturbated in their lifetime. Compare this with the stats for men: 1 in 927. Shocking. It's no secret that female masturbation is a taboo topic.
When you think about the term 'wanking', the immediate visualisation is that of a male. I attended secondary school between the years of 2007 and 2011 and still then, it was never talked about really. There was the odd conversation at paries, between close girl friends, but nothing open and honest. In sex education, I remember that the boys were advised to 'practise putting on a condom at home', which is an obvious code for 'have a posh wank'. There is always this ingrained science that in order to reproduce, men need to cum. They deposit their sperm. They have a great old time. What about the woman? We're never taught that the woman also needs to cum. Obviously, I know that biologically, this is not true to ~make babies~ however, it would be nice, ey?
My point is, throughout my time in school there was a clear distinction: boys should cum, doesn't really matter if girls cum. This notion is often carried through to porn; where the female finds it extremely easy to orgasm, or the porn is focused on the male orgasming.
Let's be honest, porn isn't honest.
In my experience of most porn, the female takes around 0.347 seconds to successfully self-lubricate and even less time for whatever weird strumming action the male is doing to make the female feel good. I think this is why so many straight and bisexual women opt for lesbian porn. Even though it's still very porn-y unrealistic, it's definitely more patient and detailed.
According to Porn Hub, lesbian porn is the 4th most popular category on their site, and women are actually the ones who are seeking it out. Women are 132 times more likely to search for lesbian porn than men.
Having read a paper by Megan Flemming Ph.D, it is apparent that straight women prefer lesbian porn or female masturbation porn because it takes time to focus on clitoral stimulation and female oral sex, something which is never a prevalent activity in heterosexual porn. Megan also suggests that if you're wanting to give gentle nudges to your sexual partner, lesbian porn is the way forward. Hetero couples who watched lesbian porn together found that the woman was 78% more likely to orgasm after they had watched lesbian porn together.
Moving on from hetero couples who have a boring sex life: let's chat about wanking again. I cannot stress the importance of exploring yourself sexually. If you don't know what turns you on, how do you expect someone else to get it right? It's been proven that masturbation helps reduce stress hormones, release endorphins, helps you sleep better, improves your self-esteem and body confidence, relieves menstrual cramps, strengthens your pelvic muscles. Plus, there's no risk of an STI or pregnancy (unless you're doing something super weird...??) There are no obvious downsides to masturbating, essentially.
If you're exploring yourself and having struggles on finding out what turns you on, definitely watch some porn (it seems like lesbian porn is the way forward) or grab a sex toy - perhaps a vibrator or bullet? These are probably the most common sex toy amongst women; they're super affordable and easy to get hold of. If you're after something cheap and cheerful to try out, look on Ann Summers or LoveHoney; ordering online is discreet as it comes in unbranded packaging and the sender address is listed as an unidentifiable name!
If you're already a self-love queen and you've ~been there done that~, you'll probably want to be introduced to my new (*gifted) best friend: the Lelo Sona Cruise. It's a sonic clitoral massager that stimulates 75% more of your clitoris than your average sex toy - and trust me, it works. "Sonic clitoral massager" isn't just some fancy talk for "vibrator". Oh no. It's built with Lelo's signature Cruise Control and SONA tech. This means it doesn't rely on vibrations. It uses sonic waves to stimulate the clit all the way, even the inside bits you can't touch or see. It has 8 different settings which you can vary in intensity, so there's something for everyone's rhythm and sensitivity. With easy to use buttons, it's simple to navigate and has a discreet sound. What's best is that it has a USB charger and it's 100% waterproof, including the charging socket. So, in the words of Lelo - "if you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain... your chariot has arrived". Solo sesh in the bath, shower, hot tub, anywhere you please...
Also yes, I have actually been hashtag gifted a sex toy. Tell me my job isn't the best, I dare you.
I'm not just writing this in because it's been gifted, by the way, I had this blog post drafted up a long time ago. I just thought I would incorporate Lelo into it as I love their brand and what they stand for: female pleasure and liberation. I was sent the Lelo Sona Cruise but I had no obligation to write or mention it on my socials or blog. It's a product that I genuinely think can help a lot of women feel sexy and confident about sex.
Finally, to answer my own initial question: why is female masturbation so taboo? It's because the majority of people (men) are watching shit porn that focuses on their pleasures instead of a woman's. My conclusion? Dump him, sis, then buy a Lelo.
Hey, I'm Shannon...
I'm a 24-year-old lifestyle, travel and beauty blogger from Sheffield, UK.