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Gabriel Iglesias: Stadium Fluffy (2022) | Transcript
Features Gabriel "Fluffy" Iglesias as he talks about growing up in Los Angeles, an attempt at extortion towards him, and where he holds the record for receiving the highest fine on stage.
[man] Can you please state your name? Martin Moreno. But you might know me as… Martinnnnn! I've been touring with Gabriel Iglesias for 20-plus years. Martinnnnn! And, yeah, he's been screaming my name for 20-plus years. Hurry up, Martinnnnn! Dude, that's better than most marriages. That's a win. It has been an incredible journey. We've gone from garages, clubs, living rooms, to theaters, arenas around the world, and now a stadium. They say comedy is subjective, but when you're selling out stadiums, that's no longer subjective. So, what can people expect? One of the biggest shows Los Angeles has ever seen. And whatever you do, make sure you stick around till the end. You want to see how this thing ends. So, what else is left to say? Without further ado, live from Dodger Stadium, Gabriel Iglesias!
[theme playing from 2001: A Space Odyssey]
[ignition cranking]
[engine not starting]
[engine starts]
♪ California love ♪
♪ California ♪
♪ Knows how to party ♪
♪ In the city of L.A. ♪
♪ In the city of good ol' Watts ♪
♪ In the city, the city of Compton ♪
♪ We keep it rockin' ♪
♪ Now let me welcome everybody To the wild, wild West ♪
♪ A state that's untouchable like Eliot Ness ♪
♪ The track hits ya eardrum Like a slug to ya chest ♪
♪ Pack a vest for your Jimmy In the city of sex ♪
♪ We in that sunshine state With a bomb ass hemp beat ♪
♪ The state where ya never Find a dance floor empty ♪
♪ And pimps be on a mission For them greens ♪
♪ Lean, mean money-makin' machines servin' fiends ♪
♪ I been in the game… ♪
Los Angeles!
[crowd chanting "Fluffy!"]
We did it. I didn't do it, we did it. Thank you so much. Thank you so very…
[in Spanish] "They want to cry." "Yes, they want to cry." I haven't been out here 30 seconds and already… Thank you so much. Thank you. I know some of you just found out Martin is real. 'Cause you finally get to see him, right? And if you're Mexican, yes, he looks like Machete. Or Marco Antonio Solís. If you're white, he looks like the Big Lebowski. Wow! This is awesome. Martin wasn't lying, you guys. We started off in freaking garages and backyard barbecues and quinceañeras and weddings and… now it's like, you know, this is… this is home for us. The biggest thing I've ever done will be tonight without a shadow of a doubt. And I'm glad that you can all be here for this. This is, uh… 'Cause, yeah, after Covid, I wasn't sure what was gonna happen. You know what I'm saying?
Like, the only good thing I can say about 2020 for me was the fact that, for some reason, I managed to lose 70 pounds. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, I lost 70 pounds. People ask me, "What's your secret?"
I said, "It's no secret, they closed all the goddamn restaurants, that's the secret."
I didn't know how to cook. That was the secret. It was me at home with a Foreman Grill making wienies… But, yeah, we were on tour in Kalamazoo, Michigan, when we got the news that we had to go home. And then we came home, and we all turned on our TVs. And we watched them lie to us. I'm not trying to be a conspiracy person, but they told us, remember?
"It's only going to be two weeks."
That's it, they told us, two weeks. Right? "Ladies and gentlemen, we'd just like to ask that you go home for two weeks, be with your loved ones, be with your family, just two weeks, while we figure things out." "Dr. Anthony Fauci has given us some new information to go by." "Just two weeks, that's all we need, just two weeks."
And I apologize for using the same stereotypical old white voice. But that's the one that they used. Because that's the one we listen to in a time of crisis. It couldn't be any other voice. It couldn't be…
[in Spanish and English] "No, man, shut up, look!" "No more than two weeks, okay?" "You gonna go home, go to your mama and your papa." "And if Covid come to the house, you tell Covid, 'Hey, he's not here, buddy.'" "Come back another time, it's okay." "Just two weeks." It couldn't be any other voice. It couldn't be…
[as redneck] "I'll tell you what, this is what you're gonna do, God damn it." "You're gonna take your ass home, you're gonna hunker down." "You're gonna hunker down and if Covid shows up at your front door, get her done right there to the face, okay, that's what you're gonna do." "Just two weeks." It couldn't be any other voice. It couldn't be…
[as Black man] "All right, listen up, this is what's gonna happen." "You're gonna go home, you're gonna be with your family and them, right?" "And if…" oh, you don't wanna laugh at the Black voice, huh? Whatever. That's your guilt, not my guilt, I'm fine. I'm fine. But, yeah, just two weeks, that's what they told us. Two weeks, and two weeks turned into two months, turned into half a year, turned into a year-plus. And little by little, they told us who was most at risk for Covid-19. Come to find out, it's people over 45, okay? People who are overweight. Here we go. Diabetics.
[in Spanish] No fucking way, really? Most at risk, Latinos and African Americans. Yeah. Bye, Felicia. I come to find out I was 85% of the underlying conditions. Over 45, overweight, diabetic, high cholesterol, high blood pressure. Apparently Covid is my Tinder match. Someone finally wants to swipe right, and her name is Corona. Yeah. The mask thing is still a thing. Some are for it, some are not. Some, you know, some places it's required, some places it's optional. Biggest complaint I have heard about the mask is that the mask smells funny. And I'm here to tell you, no, it doesn't. You do. You are smelling what everyone has been telling you all these years, and finally you're smoking what we've been smoking. Oh, yeah. I'll be honest with you, my mask smells delicious. My mask smells like Oreos and tres leches cake, okay? If you smell my mask right now, you will Krispy Kreme yourself, it's so good. I feel like selling it on the OnlyFans website to see if I can make some money. Some of you know what's up?
[in Spanish] You skank. This next thing I'm going to say is in no way, shape or form political. So, please, don't take it that way. The vaccine. Look at some of you, "Oh, here we go." "Here we go, I knew it was coming." "I knew it." "Look at him, he's got 'booster' written all over him."
I'm not here to tell you what to do with your bodies, I'm just here to share a story. I got vaccinated, okay, and I'm not saying it to get approval. I'm just telling you because, hey, look, I was 85% of the underlying conditions. At this point, I'm rolling the dice. Plus, I wanted to work. I got the vaccine, but it was one of those things where, you know, in the beginning, when you wanted to get the vaccine, you couldn't just walk into a CVS. You had to make an appointment. You know, and it was a drive-out, you couldn't just show up. 'Cause I tried. Oh, I tried using the face.
I'm like, "Eh, hey, eh!" Apparently this only works at Red Lobster. Oh, yeah, I could show up at Red Lobster at eight o'clock on a Saturday, it's on. "Do you have reservations?" "It's Fluffy, make biscuits!" But for the vaccine, no, I made my appointment like everyone else. It was a drive-out location, you know.
[imitates car revving, tires screeching]
There's a little speaker box. "May I help you?" This is very familiar. "Yeah, let me have… a large vaccine." "Pfizer/Moderna?" "Uh, I got a coupon." "Whatever's free." "Pull up to the window." Then I pull up to the next window. And then a guy who's all covered up, he's got the whole, you know…
[breathing loudly]
Then you give him your arm, and then they harpoon you. And they make you park your car for 10 to 15 minutes in case you have an allergic reaction. So I'm sitting in the car and I got the radio going and the A/C going, and I glance over and I notice there's people there protesting. And that's fine. Protesting is a right, and I'm all for it, okay? My problem is when protesters leave the sidewalk and get right in your face. So here's what happened. I glance over, I see the protestors, and I locked eyes with one of them. And I could do this all day, I'm in the car.
I'm like, "What?"
The lady who I'm looking at all of a sudden starts walking towards me.
And I'm like, "Ah, shit."
She gets to my car and she starts going off on me. And I have never had a complete stranger go off on me for no reason at all. She gets to the car and she's like, "You are so stupid! You are so stupid!" "How could you get the vaccine? How could you get the vaccine?" "You have no idea what you just put inside your body, dumb ass."
I didn't know what to say. I was like, "Bitch, I eat chorizo." You have no idea what that vaccine has to work through in order to have any type of effect whatsoever. It's got to go through years' worth of chorizo, chicharrón, carnitas, carne asada, freakin' hot dogs, bologna, Spam, menudo, caldo de res. It's gotta go through the gauntlet. But, yeah, so, on top of that, you know, we're trying to figure out this whole thing with Netflix and doing a new special. And during the pandemic, 2020 especially, there was not even a possibility of assembling a few people, much less a stadium.
So, Netflix made it clear. "We need a new special sooner than later, okay?" This was right before… They didn't have Squid Games yet. You remember…
[chanting Squid Games melody]
[in falsetto] "Red light!" Some of you are like, "That's racist." No, that's accurate, that's really good. So anyway, Netflix said, "As soon as there's an opportunity to record a new special, we need a special." So, with time going by, there became two options for recording a special in late 2020. One was Florida and the other was Texas.
[scattered booing]
Some people from Texas cheering, yeah? Okay, you can cheer all you want. That's where I got Covid. Yeah.
[in Spanish] Fucking slacker. So… So, here's the story. So, I had done shows before in Texas, and I had never done a show in San Antonio, so the original plan was, we wanted to record a special in San Antonio for the new Netflix show, you know, for the series. So, we couldn't really travel too much.
And remember they kept telling us, "Stay in your Covid bubble." "Don't forget to stay in your bubble," so, in order to be as proactive and just careful, we all went out there together as a team, okay, and then we all basically said, "We're going to do a residency in San Antonio for 30 days." "Thirty shows in 30 days, and on the last day, we'll record a new special." This way gives me a chance to start performing again because it had been over a year since I touched a stage. And so we get there and they gave me the option, "Do you want to stay in a house or do you want to stay in a hotel?"
And I said, "Well, I've never lived in Texas before, so let's see what a house feels like." So they got us, like, this fancy Airbnb, and basically, you know, it was Martin, Alfred, my friend Rick, myself, it was four of us. It was like the Mexican version of The Real World, okay? So, we're all in this big house together. Everyone gets their own room, and so, of course, I get the big room 'cause it's me. And… you know. Look at some of you, "No!" Yes! So I open up the door, I turn on the light… click! And I'm like, "This is a beautiful room." "Wow! Look how big it is."
And then I notice there's a hole in the wall. I said, "That's weird." So I get really close to the wall, and when I got close, I realized it's not a hole, it's a big-ass roach. And let me tell you, I am not exaggerating when I tell you that cuca was this big. That roach was this big. Now, I have used this unit of measure before to exaggerate, and I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that freakin' cucaracha was this big.
And I don't want you guys thinking, "You think you're too good for roaches?" No! I grew up with roaches my whole life. My mom and I, we lived in apartment buildings, projects. We always had roaches, but they were different. First of all, they were this big. And California roaches are very different, okay? For example, when you turn on the light, they scatter. In Texas, he chilled. In California, they respond to sound and movement. "Haaaa!" "Scatter!"
I tried my California technique on this Tejano roach. I said, "Haaaa!" And the roach was like, "What?" Oh, my God, I don't think he's in my room, I think I'm in his. And at that moment, my tour manager walks in the room, and she's like, "Is everything okay with the accommodations?" I said, "No, the room is beautiful, but, um, look at the wall." "Aw, there's a hole in the wall!" I said, "Get closer." She gets up to the wall and she's like, "Oh, it's a big-ass roach."
I said, "You're okay with that?" She said, "He's not in my room." She can see that I'm visibly bothered by this roach, so she's like, "Would you like me to take care of your little friend for you?" And it is a little emasculating, because I'm a big guy and she's like 5′ 2″. So she's like, "Move, fool." She takes off her shoe, she grabs it, she gets up on a chair, and she brings it back and she's like, ♪ Soy la 69 ♪ Bam! Nailed that roach. Threw down her shoe, put it on. I look at the wall, and it kept moving. And I said, "You have angered our friend." And she was defensive. "Uh-uh, fool, round two!"
So she grabs her shoe, gets back up on the stool, and she brings it back, and just as she's about to nail this roach for the second time… that shit started flying. It was a Harry Potter roach! Oh, man, look, look, look! She's ñañaras, man. So anyway, we were there for 27 days. And for some reason, on the 27th day, out of a team of 30 people that were there to film a special, I was the only one that tested positive for Covid-19. No one else got it. Not Martin, not Alfred, nobody.
And I told Martin, "Dude, I don't know where I got it." And he said, "I think you got it from the roach." Anyway, on top of dealing with Covid… and, by the way, a sincere apology to the city of San Antonio because I was supposed to tape a special with you guys, and clearly for obvious reasons we couldn't do it. But I hope you understand why I had to do this tonight.
[cheering]
On top of dealing with Covid, the vaccine situation, I come to find out someone was trying to extort money from me. Yeah, and they weren't even family.
[in Spanish] So, suck it. Watch. I get a phone call from my manager telling me that someone reached out claiming to have video footage of me being "inappropriate" with models. Yeah, see? Look at 'em. You guys are like me. Yeah, I'm like, "I need to see it too." Now, no disrespect to any woman who has ever given me the opportunity. But none of them were models. Maybe a couple of cochinas from West Covina, maybe. But they were not models. They were just good citizens. Thank you. So, anyway, they said I had until 9 a.m. to make a deposit of $50,000 into an account or they were going to release the footage to TMZ and my career was going to be over. When I got the message, it was already 6 p.m. So I had missed the deadline by half a day. So I was like, "Let me turn on the TV, see if I still got a job."
And clearly this is the first time you guys are hearing about this because there was no footage. They were just trying to scare me into giving them money. The only reason why I'm telling you the story is because… only 50,000? Like, seriously? That's what my career is worth? Don't get me wrong, when I said $50,000, some of you were like, "Oh!" And it is a lot of money, but if you're going to go after a celebrity, $50,000 is really low. Like, to put it into perspective, they did the same thing to Kevin Hart. And with Kevin Hart, they hit him for ten million. Ten million. Which lets me know where I stand on the comedy totem pole of success. There's Kevin Hart with ten million, and I am like the Groupon of extortion. "Where'd you get your extortion?" "Got that shit at Ross on clearance."
Fifty thousand dollars. You can't even buy an Escalade with $50,000. That is like a Hyundai Sonata at best, okay? And that's like a base model. You still gotta do this shit to the window, you know? Fifty thousand dollars? But… on a more happier note, I did manage to stay busy during the pandemic. I did a movie from my living room. Yeah. And it wasn't even on Pornhub. The movie already came out in theaters. It was called Space Jam, it's the movie with LeBron. Los Angeles, you are looking at the new voice of Speedy Gonzales.
Thank you. I found it ironic that they hired the slowest Mexican to play the fastest, you know? And two weeks after I get this part, I come to find out that they're trying to cancel Speedy Gonzales. I'm sure some of you heard that they came after two cartoons. They came after Pepé Le Pew and Speedy. Now, Pepé I understand. He's a little touchy. You know, but he disguises it with a "Oh-oh, mon chéri." "Oh-oh-oh!" "Mon chéri. Oh-lah-oh-ohhh!"
Yeah. But Speedy Gonzales, what's his crime? He's Mexican and he's fast. That is not a crime. In Montebello, that's called job security. So I said, "I cannot let them hurt Speedy," you know. "I can't let them cancel him." So I came to his defense. Plus, it was my only job. I went to the only place I felt I could go to protect him. I went on Twitter. And Twitter, ooh, Twitter's a scary place. It is. You only go there to fight, to get into it, to prove a point, and so a friend of mine said, "If you want to get some attention, use a hashtag," and so I did. And I wrote a tweet that said, "Hey #cancelculture." "My name is Gabriel Iglesias, and I'm the new voice of Speedy Gonzales." "You cannot cancel or catch me."
And I posted it. I had no idea that when you go on Twitter looking for problems, you will find them. Oh, yeah. Every major news outlet picked up my tweet and used it in a story about cancel culture. ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN. If I would have known that, I would have used spellcheck. 'Cause my family called.
[in Spanish] "What, are you stupid? Spell correctly!" Oh, my God. Even Fox News did a story with my tweet. Fox News. You know how I know? My bus driver Dave called me. Oh, he was thrilled. He was like, "Fluffy, God damn it, I've never been prouder." "You made it, baby. You're on Fox News." I said, "Dave, shut up, you're stupid." He's like, "America." Even Warner Bros. Pictures reached out to say thank you, and before I know it, I was on a Zoom call. And I know a lot of us had to get used to Zoom, and it's kind of convenient, right? All they see is this. So to entertain myself, every time I took a Zoom call, I was full Winnie the Pooh. And if you're not laughing now, you better ask someone who is, 'cause there is no coming back from full Winnie the Pooh. I was leaving baby powder all over the house. It looked like an episode of Narcos. So I get on the Zoom call with the director, writer and producer of Space Jam. And they're being super nice, super supportive, super cool. They're like, "Gabriel, thank you so much for lending your voice talents to our film." "We really appreciate you being part of this." "If you have any questions or concerns, let us know." So, "Thank you." "We have a question for you." I said, "Okay." "How do you feel about the voice of Speedy Gonzales?"
I said, "Well, what do you mean?" "Well, you know, some people find him to be a little stereotypical." "What are your thoughts?" I said, "Well, you have not met my family." I cannot speak for all brown people, but I can tell you that me personally in my house growing up, Speedy Gonzales was not viewed in a negative way. As a matter of fact, he was the only form of representation we had growing up. It was him and the little bumblebee on The Simpsons. "Gabriel, we were thinking that perhaps you would like to lend your real speaking voice to the character?" "Maybe modernize him a little, you know, bring him up to speed." I said, "Well, you know, with all due respect, I appreciate the fact that you would give me the power to change the sound of such an iconic character, but at the end of the day, when people see the movie, I don't want them to think of me, I want them to think of Speedy Gonzales." So I said, "Please keep his voice original." And then he asked the question, "Well, do you think you can do the voice?"
How did I get the part? Now, remember, I never auditioned for Speedy Gonzales, they just called me. And I assumed that they knew that I did voices for a living and that I could pull this off. So I says, "What made you choose me if you didn't know whether or not I could do the…" "Oh." "You needed a big brown shield in case shit happened, huh?" And then all three people on the phone call were like… I said, "Well, don't worry 'cause with me you get a twofer." "You get an actual Mexican and you get someone that can nail the voice."
So… oh, yeah. That's right. So, before I know it, this sound person, the guy who does recordings over at Warner Bros., gets on the call. The only thing I know about this guy is that he's loud, okay?
He gets on the call, he's like, "Gabriel Iglesias, how are you?" Wow! "How's it going?" "My name's Steven, the sound coordinator at Warner Bros. Pictures." "So here's what's gonna happen." "Basically, I'm gonna hit 'record, ' and as soon as I hit 'record, ' I just need for you to start talking like Speedy Gonzales." "We're gonna get the flow, the tempo, the timing, and as soon as we got it dialed in, we're gonna make a movie." "Sound good?" "Sounds good." "This is Gabriel Iglesias for Space Jam: A New Legacy, Speedy Gonzales, take one." "Gabriel, mic check, 1, 2, 3." "1, 2, 3." "Sounds good, here we go." "And… go."
All right, here we go. "Hola, amigos, my name is Speedy Gonzales, the fastest mouse in all Mexico." "¡Arriba! ¡Epa, epa, ándale!"
The director, writer and producer, all three were like… "That was perfect!" I said, "I know, I've been Mexican a long time." And I said, "And don't just think that just because I'm Mexican, I can only play the Mexican character." I said, "I do voices for a living." "If given the opportunity, I could voice the entire film all by myself." I could. Watch. Marvin the Martian. "Oh, my, oh, my modulator." Yosemite Sam. "I hate that rabbit!" Bugs Bunny. "Eh, what's up, Doc?"
I said, "You can fire all the other voice actors right now. I will do the whole movie for half plus medical insurance."
And it was the middle of 2020, so I meant that shit. I'm like, "Yeah, no co-pay, no co-pay." My favorite part about this was the fact that they actually entertained the conversation. Like, he could have just looked at me and said, "You're stupid."
And I would have accepted that. I would have been like, "Okay," you know? But I guess we're living in different times where people are a lot more sensitive and more mindful, and so he just wanted to make sure I was okay, so he's like, "Gabriel, I am not taking anything away from your credibility as a voice talent, as an entertainer, as just an individual, but my hands are tied." "Contracts have been signed, checks have been cut." "This was a union project," and I'm like, "Look at him go!"
The producer is also on this call, and the producer is the one responsible for the finance, the money. So he hears the director just freakin' goin' down, and he's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on." "Hear the man out." "Gabriel." "Fluffy." "Baby!" "Talk to me, puddin'." "If we can make this happen, what are we talkin'?" I said, "What do you mean?" "Well, what are we talkin'? What's your rate, what's your fee?"
I said, "Well, word on the street is I go for no less than 50,000." "And I do have emails to support that."
They still said no, but whatever. I know I'm going to have to defend Speedy Gonzales again at some point, because unfortunately that's how cancel culture works. You know? And don't get me wrong. I understand that some people need to be held accountable, but… And by the way, if I'm the one telling you about cancel culture, it's already gone way too far. Because I pride myself in the fact that I'm not a comedian who's divisive. That's why I don't talk about politics, religion or sports, okay? Because all three will divide people. That's why I talk about food. Because food brings people together. That's right. Unless you're vegan. In which case, you can leave right now. I don't give a shit. I don't care if I offend you and your salad, you can leave. Bye. And the only reason why I'm so "ugh" on the vegans is because I once was vegan. I know, some of you are like, "No!"
Yeah. I was vegan for a little under a year. Some of you are probably thinking, "You weren't vegan, then, if it was less than a year." But think about it. Anyone who has ever gone on a diet knows just how hard it is to change your eating habits for one week, much less a year. And they told me, they said, "You're going to lose weight." And they were not lying. I lost weight, patience and friends. So I'm just here to let you know, I'm back.
[bellows like cow]
So… I almost got canceled. I almost got canceled because I posted a tweet of one of my dogs. Now, some of you already know I have two Chihuahuas. Yeah. People watching at home are like, "That's not stereotypical." Yeah, I know. I have two Chihuahuas. I have a little boy dog named Vinnie and a little girl dog named Risa. Combined weight, 14 pounds. My little girl dog Risa, she is 4 pounds, and she's 17 years old. Yeah. Her anger keeps her alive. I will confirm every stereotype about Chihuahuas. Oh, yeah, it's real. The rage is real. But with me, she loves me, okay? She's 17, she has no teeth. Her tongue hangs out. She's adorable.
So I posted a picture of her on Twitter with the caption that basically read, "Going to take my little nugget to go get some chicken nuggets." And then I tagged "@Chick-fil-A." Okay, so, yeah, you feel that? See how the majority of the room was like, "That place is good"? "Sucks they're closed on Sunday."
And then there was a few of you in here and you heard the groan… Yeah. Half of those people, vegans. The other half are the ones that blew up my Twitter feed. My Twitter feed started getting flooded with nasty comments. "You're stupid, you're horrible. How could you? We thought more of you." "Really, Fluffy, you?"
And I don't know what they're talking about. The problem with cancel culture is they only attack, they don't educate. They don't explain. They just attack, and they expect you to know better or understand them, but they're not willing to play nice. So here's what happens. I'm asking questions, no one wants to answer. "Fluffy, you're horrible."
I'm like, "What do you mean?" "Really? Chick-fil-A?" I'm sorry, Popeyes was closed, I don't know what to tell you. "You know what you're doing." I am more hungry than woke. I don't know what you mean. And then finally someone took the time to explain to me why I was "wrong" for that tweet. Come to find out that Chick-fil-A in the past has been known to make contributions to organizations that are a little out of line with the LGBTQ+ community. Now, forgive me for using my hand to get the letters right. I just wanna get the letters right. I do consider myself a supporter and an ally, and I'm trying my best to be as understanding as I can be… …with the limited information I have available. Now, I'm gonna say it again. I'm trying to be as understanding as I can be with the limited information I have available, which basically means I only read headlines. Here's the thing, you guys. There are a million struggles in this world. Every single day there are people trying to better their lives, trying to get to a goal, trying to achieve something to get them out of one place and into something better. And it's impossible to keep up with everyone's fight unless you mess up, and then someone pulls you aside and reads you the riot act. So, here's how the conversation went. 'Cause I finally got one. They said, "Well, Gabriel, if you consider yourself a supporter of the LGBTQ+ community, moving forward will you still be tagging Chick-fil-A in future posts?" I said, um, "Yes, I will, but it's not because I'm not a supporter." "I'm definitely a supporter of your cause, but causes are a two-way street." "You gotta support mine too." I said, "I tagged Chick-fil-A for the same reason I tag every other company I use organically." "I'm trying to get free shit." Plain and simple, don't look past it. And I know some of you are like, "Well, Gabriel, don't you make money?" Yes, I do, and you know how you keep it? Free shit. Yeah, let me tell you how I discovered this one. So, I was at a Chipotle one night, and the staff was incredible.
So I wanted to give them a little shout-out online.
So I gave them a shout-out and then I tagged "Chipotle." Chipotle saw my tweet and then they reached out to me to say thank you, and to show their appreciation, Chipotle mailed me a burrito card, good for one year's worth of unlimited Chipotle. And I tested it. Oh, they gave it to the wrong person. After about two weeks, it looked like a Metro card. It was all scratched up. So now, let me tell you guys, if you were me and you sent out one tweet that got you fed for a whole year for free, wouldn't you be tagging as many companies as you could to see who else would want to donate to the cause? The only thing I'm guilty of is ho'ing myself out, that's it. I was being a little cyber skank, that's all I was doing. But again I understand that some people need to be held accountable for certain actions. I just feel like a lot of times a simple conversation can fix things. I know that based on today's rules, I can be canceled right now for previous comedy specials that I've done over the years. And I understand that, so I'm just waiting for the call. I know I can be canceled for previous comedy specials. And I know they probably expect me to apologize, but I would never apologize for my previous work because, you know what, it was perfectly acceptable at the time. Clearly there are things I would change now, but there's no way to go back and apologize for that when everything was okay. I want to let you all know right now that there are things about me that you don't know that you're gonna find out sooner than later. So basically what I'm trying to do at this moment is do what my lawyer said and "get ahead of it." I offended someone whose name I should have never brought up. I offended a professional fighter. His name is Canelo. I know. Go big or go home. If you are not familiar with who Canelo is, give me a few seconds to explain. Canelo is arguably one of the best fighters in the world. Okay? You cannot miss him. He is, in fact, Mexican, but he does not look traditional. Canelo is, in fact, the whitest Mexican on Earth. He's super white. He's so white, he's redhead. Canelo is a redheaded white Mexican fighter. He is so white, even Donald Trump was like, "You can come." Super white. But then he opens his mouth and you realize, "Oh, Canelo, he's not local." So here's how I got in trouble. A comedy friend of mine by the name of Ron White reached out to me. And Ron White invited me to be part of his tribute to the troops comedy show for the national network. And I told Ron, "I'd love to do the show. Anything for the troops. Let's do this." So the show taped in Vegas, and it's a couple of comics plus myself, and Ron White's the host. He brings me up onstage, and I figure I'm only doing ten minutes, okay? I might as well just do references to Las Vegas since everybody knows Vegas, so I started talking about boxing. And then I brought up Canelo. And here's where I got in trouble. I said, "Canelo is my favorite fighter of all time." "I just wish…" And it was all downhill after that. I said, "I just wish he would not do interviews in English, because English is not his strong language, and if you're a professional fight…" Hear me out. If you're a professional fighter, you need to sound confident, engaged, threatening, aggressive, on point, in your face. And in Spanish, he does. In English, not so much. In Spanish, he's a killer. In Spanish, the reporter, the announcer comes out…
[in Spanish]
"We're here with Canelo Álvarez, who'll be fighting Floyd 'Money' Mayweather this coming weekend on pay-per-view at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada." I know some of you heard that right now and you're like, "Oh, my God, I think I understand Spanish." 'Cause you do. So then the reporter will look at Canelo and ask him about the fight.
[in Spanish] "Canelo, what will be your fighting approach?" Canelo takes the microphone. He's a man of few words, but he's on point. He looks at the camera and he's like, [in Spanish] "Look, I'm gonna punch him like this and like this." "I'll knock him to the ground and, boom!" "So don't miss the fight this weekend at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada, Canelo Álvarez vs. Floyd 'Money' Mayweather." "Don't miss out!" Same exact interview. English. "I'm standing here alongside Mexican superstar Saúl Canelo Álvarez, who's going to be facing Floyd 'Money' Mayweather this weekend on pay-per-view." "Canelo, what is your strategy and your plan of attack going into this weekend's fight against such a technical opponent, if you will, a man who has single-handedly redefined the sport of boxing?" "What is your plan of attack going into the fight?" "Uh…" "Well… I… am going to hit him like this." "I'm going to hit him like this." "He going to… fall on the…" "How do you say piso?" "Floor? He going to fall to the floor and then… así." "All right, well, there you have it." "Floyd Mayweather, I hope you are ready, my friend, because, yeah, that's what's waiting for you." "Reporting live for ESPN News, I'm Phil Stevens." "Back to you in the studio, and we're out." "What the hell was that, God damn it?!" "Why didn't you warn me?" So word gets back to Team Canelo about the joke that I did. I find out because I have friends in the boxing community who reached out to tell me, "Bro, what happened?" I said, "What are you talking about?" "Dude, we heard." "Heard what?" "We heard that Team Canelo's pissed." I said, "So, what does that have to do with me?" "Well, I guess it's about a joke you did about Canelo?" "Huh?" "Who showed him?" If I would have known one of the best fighters in the world was going to see me do a joke about him, I would have never done a joke about him. I didn't think he'd ever see Ron White's tribute to the troops comedy show on the national network. I didn't think he was ever gonna see it. Shit was in English. Now I'm worried about the confrontation because I know it's only a matter of time. And I know where he's going to confront me. It's gonna happen in Vegas. And the reason why I'm so confident that it's going to happen there is because when I perform in Vegas, I perform for MGM Grand Properties. And so I get free tickets to the fights. And I always go 'cause it's free! And they put me ringside so that my face comes out on the jumbotron to help me sell tickets.
So I know 'cause I've seen Canelo fights before ringside, I've never spoken to him, but I know that's where it's gonna happen. And I'm nervous about this confrontation, because I didn't know if he's going to confront me in English or Spanish. I hope it's in Spanish 'cause I want to feel the fear, you know what I'm saying? I hope, you know, he's like, [in Spanish] "I'm going to kill you, fucking fat man!" I'm just worried he might, you know… "Hey!" "Hey, jou." "Hey, jou, fat bitch mother Fluffy." "He just called me 'fat bitch mother Fluffy!'" So, if anything happens to me… Canelo. But I guess I should feel honored at the fact that someone at his level would even acknowledge a comedian. You know, it feels good at least knowing that he knows who I am, which is nice. It at least makes me feel relevant. Because, you know, after 2019, I wasn't sure what was gonna happen. Honestly, for me, I thought that 2019 was the best year I ever had in comedy. And the reason why I say this is because I was this close to hosting the Oscars. Yeah. Pretty sure I got a good chance next year. The year that I almost got to host, that was the year that Kevin Hart was supposed to host. I don't know if you remember the story, but basically, Kevin Hart was supposed to host the Oscars, and any time you host, the background check is next level, okay? They go through all of your social media, all the way back to Myspace. People over 40, you know what's up. Come to find out that ten years ago, Kevin Hart had sent out a couple of tweets that were questionable, so the academy confronted Kevin Hart about the tweets. And they said, "Kevin, can you please explain?" And Kevin was like, "Yes, I said those things." "I acknowledged them ten years ago and I apologized ten years ago." "Can we move forward?" And the academy was like, "Well, good, Kevin, we're glad that you apologized because they've been brought to our attention again and we need for this to go away, so we need you to apologize." And Kevin said, "You can't make me apologize twice for the same thing ten years apart." And they said, "Well, you have to, because if you don't, you cannot host the Oscars." And Kevin said, "Well, thank you, but no, thank you." And he walked away from the job. I would have done the same thing in his position. Because by him apologizing, he gives more power to cancel culture, and we can't give them more, we gotta take it back. So… now… So, now the academy was left with a problem… trying to find a suitable replacement for Kevin Hart, which is not an easy thing to do. So they reached out to a bunch of actors to see if there was interest, and everyone said the same thing: "Thank you, but no, thank you." "We want no part of that Kevin Hart drama." No one wanted the job. Me, on the other hand… Oh, I recognize a job opening when I see one.
So I had my manager call the academy, and the academy was thrilled to hear from anyone. They were like, "Gabriel Iglesias, yes, we know who he is." "He's very funny, very witty." "We think he would make a good host for the Oscars." "Please have him submit some comedy material so we can see what the vibe of the night would be, and based on the material, we'll make our choice." So, that's what I did. I sat down one night, got a pen, piece of paper, wrote out a bunch of jokes, and I turned them into the Oscars. And I think that's why they said no. It never made it to TV. So tonight…
Tonight, I would like to do the opening joke that I was going to do for the Oscars. And then you can decide what the vibe of the night would have been. All right. Let me do the voice.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Academy Awards." "Here's tonight's host, comedian-funnyman Gabriel Iglesias." "Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen." "Thank you, it is an honor." "Thank you. Thank you." "It is an honor to be here tonight hosting the Oscars." "In keeping with tradition, here is another Mexican doing a job nobody else wanted." And they passed. They passed. Yeah. You know, and then getting back into the swing of things, we have definitely come a long way from 2020. The fact that we're in a sold-out stadium, elbow to elbow, ready to laugh. Have fun. We've come a long way. You know? 2020, you guys, I gotta just thank my dogs. I gotta thank my dogs 'cause my dogs kept me sane, they kept me happy, they kept me focused. 'Cause I was so depressed, I was sad, I didn't know what to make of things. Do we have any dog owners?
Yeah? See, dog owners, you know what's up. No other animal in the world will give you 100% like a dog. What? Cat? No. I'm sorry, no disrespect to cats or cat owners, but cat owners, you know as well as I do, your cats… 'cause I know you got more than one… your cats look at you like you live in their house. You walk in, you try to scold them for something…
[purrs]
Then when you try to talk to them, they turn their back and show you their butthole. You're staring like, "Oh, my God, it's so dark!" Only a dog will give you 100% of itself. That's why they get so sad when they know you're about to leave and why they get so happy when you come home. You are literally everything they've been looking forward to. "And now you're back!" I know for a fact nothing on this planet loves me more than my dogs. I said this last night, and someone said, "What about your son?" I said, "Nothing loves me more." I could leave my dressing room for one minute or for one hour. When I come back, the reaction is the same. It is the greatest moment ever, every single time. Oh, yeah, my dog Vinnie will jump off the couch and run towards me top speed, and then when he gets to me, he jumps up and down, and he makes a sound like…
[imitates Chihuahua]
You can almost hear, "Where were you? Where were you? Where were you?" And he pees everywhere. I used to get upset that he would do that, but then I thought about it. My dog loves me so much, he cannot control his own bodily functions. That's why, when I would go home, I would immediately pick him up before anything. And then my girlfriend would get mad. "How come you don't come to me first?" I said, "Because the dog loves me more." "How do you know I don't love you more?" I said, "I don't see a puddle." Mira. Dry. Yeah, she didn't like that. Sorry. But, yeah, these dogs, man. Let me tell you. And I apologize if I'm kind of stuttering or I'm not as focused right now. I have never been distracted by a blimp with my face on it.
[cheering and applause]
I'm sorry, Netflix, but, shit, this… This is like a birthday and Christmas and the Super Bowl and the World Series and losing my virginity all at the same time. [chuckles]
♪ Even saw the lights Of the Goodyear Blimp ♪
[laughing]
I'm sorry, you guys, I'm just so goddamn happy right now, thank you.
I wish my mom were here to see this. You have no idea. She would have been happy to see all of you, but she would have been like, [in Spanish] "Fuck off." "Look, what… my son is in heaven, he's with Jesus in the sky, you see?" That is amazing. Some of you guys okay? I heard a cough over there. You all right? Don't cough, they just let us come back. I would rather you fart than cough. If you feel another one of those coming, just hold your face, convert the energy, and blow it out the back, all right? And I know the people behind you are like, "Don't do that!" You let it rip, and if the people behind you can't smell it, then they got Covid. Okay, that's a free home test. Anyway… So during 2020, my dogs and I, the most normal thing we could do was just take a drive, okay? Drives, you could just get in the car. Nothing was open, but you could take a drive, and so we get in the car.
[imitates doors closing, engine revving]
I put on this playlist and just drive. Eventually, we went out looking for food. And I know that sounds crazy to say it that way, but remember, 85% of the underlying conditions. I never once set foot in a market because I was afraid. All of my food came from friends and street vendors. Yeah. Yes, I support street vendors in case anyone's wondering.
'Cause no matter what, they're working their asses off, again, trying to make a better life for themselves and for their families. After leaving a taco stand one night, I realized that a lot of people needed to step out of their comfort zones in order to find alternative ways of making ends meet. I made the mistake one night of assuming the guy working the stand was Mexican.
[in falsetto] He wasn't. I even spoke Spanish to him, which is a no-no. The rule is, when engaging a brown person, you must speak English to them first, and then if there's a language barrier, then you go to plan B high-school Spanish. You start off in English. "Hello, sir, may I…"
[in Spanish] "I don't understand."
[in English] "Oh, hold on, I got this." "Hola." "Yo me…"
So I walked up to this guy at the stand and I was like, you know, he reminded me of a tío, so I was like…
[speaking Spanish] Which is like, "Hello, friend, how are you?" And he responded, [Greek accent] "What are you saying to me?" "I'm sorry, sir, I thought you were Mexican." "No, no, I am not Mexican. I am Greek." Greek? Shit, I was way off. "I'm sorry, brah, it's late, I'm tired. Can I have two tacos?" "What you mean, 'Can I have two tacos?'" "I just finish tell you, I am not Mexican, I am Greek." "I do not sell taco." "I sell yee-roh." "Yee-roh?" And then I remember seeing writing on the front of the car, and I just thought it was the guy's name or something, right? I'm like, it spells it out: G-Y-R-O. "Gyro!" He got all pissy. "It is not a gyro, it's a yee-roh." "That shit says 'gyro.'" "It is yee-roh!" "Bro, I'm tired, it's late." "What is a 'yee-roh'"? "It's like a taco." "Gimme two." Eventually businesses started opening their doors and allowing us to go back inside, and I'll tell you guys right now, my big, guilty pleasure is Starbucks, okay? That's my guilty pleasure, I'm all about a Starbucks drive-thru. But the difference is, when you have the option of going inside versus drive-thru, that's one thing, but when they tell you you can't go inside anymore and then they tell you you can, you kind of miss it. Like me, I couldn't wait to go back inside when they said the doors are opening up. I couldn't wait to go in and order from a counter and talk to a person and look at a menu. I didn't mind. I showed up early.
[imitates engine revving, tires screeching]
Got my dogs with me, I didn't care. We walk into Starbucks. And I know they did this over in Long Beach. I'm not sure if they did this here, but they put stickers on the floor. And so there I am standing on this freakin' sticker. I got my dogs, just chillin'. Standing there looking like a third grader. We're just chillin', waitin'. And some lady behind me notices that I'm holding two dogs. She clearly had an issue with the fact that I was holding two dogs, and instead of saying, "Pardon me, excuse me, hey there, hi, hola," she does the whole…
[clearing throat] I'm hearing this and I'm like, "Shit! Covid!" "I don't see any stickers!" "I'm off the grid!" And she was like, "I do not have Covid." "Are those service dogs?" "They're Chihuahuas." "And these, in particular, are the complete opposite of service dogs." "Well, are they supposed to be inside?" I say, "You know, I didn't ask." "I didn't want to leave them in the car." "I'm not staying, I'm going to order my drinks and leave." "I'm not even going to put them down. I'm sorry." And she's like, "Well, are they at least legal?" You're gonna ask a Mexican if his dogs are legal? Fortunately… "Next in line." "Thank God."
So I get to the front, and now I'm worried, because the lady has me thinking in the back of my head that I'm doing something bad, that I'm about to get scolded or kicked out.
So I'm trying not to make eye contact with the guy.
So I'm just looking at the menu, and I hear him, "Dogs." "Hi, bro, sorry about that. Sorry, sorry, I know." "They're adorable!" "What are their names?" "Oh! Well, this is Vinnie, this is Risa." "They're so cute." "Thank you." Then here comes another barista, and she's like, "I see dogs!" "I'm sorry." "They're adorable." "What are their names?" I was like, "Oh, well, this is Vinnie, this is Risa." "They're too cute." "Thank you."
So I placed my order, and then the girl barista, she goes… "Yes?" "You know, I gotta tell you something about your dogs, right?" "I know, I'm sorry, I just didn't want to leave them in the car." "What are the little ones gonna have?" "Well… as much as I would love to share my coffee with my dogs, I don't think caffeine and Chihuahuas mix." "No, silly." "Maybe your little puppies would like a Puppucci…" Okay, you see that shit? Now you're vocal. When I talked about stickers, "We don't know nothin' about stickers, pero un pinche Puppuccino, all freakin' day," right? Sorry. Anyway… When she said "Puppuccino," I was like, "What kind of a drink is it?"
I'm looking at the menu like, "I don't see that shit anywhere." "No, silly, a Puppuccino is just a little cup, and we put whipped cream in the cup." "This way, you can enjoy your beverage and your little ones can enjoy something with you." I said, "Oh, my God." "I love this." "How much are they?" "Oh, they're free." "Tell me more." "You have two little puppies so you get two free Puppuccinos." "Oh, my God, can I have a third one?" "Oh, is there another little puppy we're missing?"
This one. I was so excited, I told her, "Do you understand how happy you just made me with this whole Puppuccino thing?" "Oh, yeah." "They let it be known that if anyone ever shows up with a dog, always offer them a Puppuccino on the house." "So, it's cool that I walked in with my dogs?" "Oh, yeah, they're welcome any time."
I'll just tell you guys right now, I am very petty. I am so petty, I was like, "Can you say that louder?" "Your puppies are welcome any time!" I'm not gonna lie, I felt a little bit like Canelo. I did, I couldn't help it. I turned around, I was like, "Eh, you hear that, bitch mother?"
[woman's voice] "I was there the night Fluffy got fired." Like I said, no matter what you say or do, someone's gonna find a way to twist things and make it bad. I've already gotten an email over the fact that I did that joke about… that nothing on this planet loves me more than my dogs, versus my son. Someone already reached out, like, "How devastating for your son."
I'm like, he knows! I love him very much. My son is going on 25 years now. He's 24 years old. Frankie is 24 years old. Thank you for clapping, he's still at the house. I did an interview recently and someone was asking me questions about my son. They said, "You know, Gabriel, you've always mentioned your son in your specials." "Can we look forward to a new story coming out?" And I said, "Not really a new story so much as…"
'Cause my son is doing his own thing now. He's doing his own thing, he's got his own life, and that's awesome. I do however still have stories from the past that I never told, and he goes, "Well, do tell." I said, "Okay, my favorite story is actually probably the first one." "In 2007, when I first got him…" Some of you know he's technically my stepson, but I've never liked saying "stepson."
He is my son, yeah.
He is my son or my aftermarket child. No gray area. Anyway, it's 2007, and for some reason, I'm home on Halloween. Now, here's the thing. As a comedian, I have signed up to perform 365 days a year. There is no sacred day for me. I work on Christmas day. I work on New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, birthdays, holidays, special occasions, no matter what. My mom told me, [in Spanish] "If you have a job, you have to work."
You gotta work, especially if you got a good job. You don't want no one to take it, so if you're going to go for it, give it everything. So the fact that I'm not working on Halloween is super rare. And so my son's mom is like… She's like, "I think this is so cool that you're home today." "You know, since this is Frankie's first year where it's just the three of us, how about this?" "How about tonight you take him trick-or-treating and I'll stay home and give out candy?" "This way, it will give the two of you the opportunity to get to know each other, have some conversations, have some laughs." "What do you think?"
I said, "Baby, you know what, that's a great idea." "I love it, I love it." "Okay, I'm on it. Frankie! Come on, we're going trick-or-treating." "What about my mom?" "She's gonna stay home." "Yay!" So we get in the car.
And I take Frankie to "that neighborhood." You know what I'm saying. That neighborhood that gives out the Costco candies. Yeah. So we park the car and we start going up the street. And I'm not wearing a costume, I'm there for him. So he's dressed up for Halloween, I'm just me. So some of the doors we knocked on, the people freaked out. One guy was like… "The Fluffy!" I was like, "Oh, my God, I've never been referred to as 'The Fluffy.'" I didn't know what to say. "It is I."
[humming epic tune]
One door we knocked on, they opened the door, they were like, "Oh, my God, you're famous!" I was like… We go all the way up, cross the street, come all the way back. By the time we get to the car, the bucket is overflowing with candy. Okay? So we get back to the house, and it hasn't even been an hour. We walk in, and Frankie's mom is pissed. She's like, "What the hell is this?" I go, "What?" "I thought I told you to take him trick-or-treating."
I go, "I did. Like, show the score." "The whole point of you taking him trick-or-treating wasn't to get candy." "The hell you say." "What was the point?" "The point was for the two of you to spend time together, have some laughs, have some conversations, get to know one another." "You're not going to do that in an hour." "Can you please, for me, take him out one more time for at least an hour?" "Baby, I get it, don't even worry about it, I got it."
So I said, "Frankie, come on. Dump out your bucket. Round two." So we go outside, we get in the car…
[imitates doors, engine]
I don't want to go door-to-door again, so I say, "I got an idea." I take Frankie to Walmart. We get to Walmart, and Frankie goes, "What are we doing here?" "I got it, watch."
We walk in, I said, "Grab a cart." "Follow me." And I lead Frankie all the way to the candy section. As soon as we get to the candy section, I stop the cart. And I got in Frankie's face and I said, "Frankie, you have exactly 30 seconds to grab as much candy as you can." "Ready? Go!"
And he froze. I said, "Dude, clock's ticking, move." "Oh, my God!" So he grabs a bag, looks at it, throws it in the cart. Grabs a second bag, looks at it, throws it in the cart. Grabs a third bag, and on the third bag… "Time!" And it was the first time I heard him go, "Shit!"
'Cause he knew he wasted that golden opportunity, those first few seconds. So we get to the car, I rip open the three bags, I dump them out in his bucket, and I tell him, "Look, Frankie, when we get home, you cannot tell your mom that we went to Walmart." "Why not?" "Because she's gonna say that we cheated trick-or-treating." "But it's better." "I know it's better."
So we get home, and of course now it's a different tone. She's like, "There you are. Did you guys have a good time?" "We had a great time, baby. We had a good time, huh, Frankie?" "That's good. Frankie, give me your candy." "Why, Mom?" "Because I need to go through your candy to make sure it's safe for you to eat." "Why wouldn't it be safe? It all came from…"
[in Spanish] "Shut up, you idiot! Shut up. Shut up, you son of a bitch. Shut up." He almost took down the empire, know what I'm saying? So he hands over the bucket and she grabs it and immediately dumps it out on the table right in front of us. She notices, you know. "There's a lot of the same candy right here." "A lot of the same candy." "Can you explain why there's so much of the same candy in Frankie's bucket?" "I don't know what to tell you, baby, there's a lot of basic bitches in this neighborhood." "We can't go back to that other neighborhood because they got cameras and they're gonna know us and we don't want to be 'that person.'"
So fast forward one year. It is now October 31st, 2008. And for some reason, I'm not booked on Halloween again. And so my girl's like, she swears up and down.
"Oh, it's a sign, it's a sign." I'm like, "It's a sign my agent is slacking."
Shout-out, Matt, I know you're here. Sorry about that joke. You're doing a great job, thank you for this one, but that year you dropped the ball, so… But anyway…
[chuckles]
And so Frankie's mom is like, "I think that, you know what?" "Maybe, just maybe, we can make this like a tradition." "This could be you guys' thing: the two of you go out trick-or-treating and then I'll stay home and give out candy." "This could be your thing." I go, "You know what, baby, sounds good to me." "Frankie, come on, we're going trick-or-treating." "What about my mom?" "She's gonna stay home again." "Yay!" So we get outside, we get in the car.
[imitates doors closing]
I lean over and I look at Frankie and I said, "Frankie, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Walmart!" We pull up to Walmart.
[engine revs, tires squeal, doors slam]
We walked in, I said, "Frankie, grab a cart." "Follow me!" And I lead him all the way to the candy section. As soon as we get to the candy section, I stop the cart and I get in his face. I said, "Frankie, you have exactly 30 seconds to grab as much candy as you can." "Ready? Go!"
Apparently, this motherfucker was training all year for this. As soon as I said "Go!" his arm, bam, and he starts gutting the shelf. He's ripping bags of candy into the cart. He overflowed the shopping cart in ten seconds. I firmly believe that's the first day of my diabetes. And that's a story that I've been sharing, you know, at parties and just close friends, and I just recently started telling it onstage. And he overheard me one time saying the story, and he's like, "Really? Still?" I'm like, "It's a good story!" "You're the hero!"
And, you know, some things transpire. And, uh, one day he wanted to have a conversation with me, and he caught me off guard. He's like, "Can I talk to you, Dad?" "Yeah, what's up?" "I have something I want to tell you." "Okay, what's up?" "It's important." "Okay." "It's serious." "Can you please sit down?" "How far along is she?" "What are you talking about?" "What are you talking about?" "Don't be scaring me, dude." "It's about us." "Okay." "What's up?"
He tells me… "Can you please stop making fun of me?" And when he said it, I felt it, because I knew how hard it was for him to bring that up. And I said, "How long have you felt this way?" "My whole life." "Have you ever tried to bring this up in the past?" "Yeah." "What did I say?" "You told me to put on deodorant." "It worked." "Look, Frankie, um… I didn't know how to be a dad, okay?" "It was one of those things where there were certain things I didn't want to do." "I knew that I never wanted to yell at you, and I knew for a fact that I never wanted to hit you." "So I did the best thing I could do with what I knew how to do." "I made fun of you!" "That's called shaming." "This year." "Look, if you don't want me to do any more stories or jokes or just make fun, I understand."
It's one of those things where I didn't want to make him feel bad, and I don't want to feel bad, you know what I mean?
So I said, "Look, I'm going to let the audience know that we spoke. And… so that they understand why, moving forward, in the future, there will be no more stories about Frankie."
"Why is that important?"
"Because if I don't explain why I stopped talking about you, they're gonna think you died."
"I don't want… "
"I don't want them to think you died either."
Gave him a big hug, reminded him how much I love him, 'cause I love him very much, and I hope he knows that.
I think that a lot of the issues and frustrations we've had for a while now have a lot to do with the fact that I am no longer with his mom. I don't want you guys to think that I'm going to start doing jokes about her. I'm not. I have absolutely nothing bad to say about the woman I was with for almost 14 years. Okay? Nothing bad, nothing negative, nothing derogatory, nothing… nothing short of awesome. Nothing short of good vibes, okay? I have nothing bad to say about her. And not just because I signed a piece of paper that said I wouldn't say anything bad. But because, at the end of the day, that is still my son's mom and I need to make sure she continues to support me being his dad. So you got to keep it cool. I will tell you, though, that I did not handle the breakup well. She was, in fact, the first breakup, like real… She was my first true love. I'll just say it, she was my first true love. And I did not handle it well. You're supposed to have your heart broken when you're, like, 12. When you have your first crush. That's when you're supposed to have your first heartache, not in your forties. It's supposed to be when you're young, you're little, you're resilient. You realize it's not going to work out, so you're devastated.
♪ And I… ♪
Yeah. Not when you're in your forties. So, without divulging too much information, let me just tell you that, when everything was finalized, I was at the gas station and I got a text message basically saying, "Everything's been signed." "It's official, it's turned in."
And I'm like, "Oh, wow, okay."
I get in the car, I start the car, and then I put it in drive. And that's when it hit. That's when it became real. That's when it was like, "Oh, my God." "I can no longer go home." That's no longer an option. I have messed things up. I can no longer go back to what I called home. I have to restart my life right then and there at the gas station. And I had a full-blown meltdown. And some of you know that my tour came to an end a while back and people were wondering, is it drugs, is it alcohol, is it mental health? I was going through my first breakup. How was I supposed to be an effective comedian when I couldn't stop crying? You know what I mean? It was bad. And you guys have heard the shows before, you know I never bring this up. It was the lowest point of my life. I had never felt so sad, weak, vulnerable, depressed, lonely, everything all rolled into one. And it was at the lowest point of my life that I found… That's right, country music. Country music knows when you're sad. Country music knows when you're weak. Country music knows when you're vulnerable and you need something to fill the void. I used to fight off country music. I used to look country music in the face and tell country, "You can take your achy-breaky heart, you keep on movin'."
But not today. Let me tell you what's going on. I'm in the car and I'm crying so much, my tears are rolling down my cheek and they're blending with my snot. They're blending with my mocos. My tears are blending with my mocos, and then blending with my babas, with my drool. I have three different fluids coming out of my face at the same time. My neck looked like menudo. It was bad. All I needed was a pinch of limón and say, "That's it, right there."
I am making ugly sounds, and I don't want to hear myself, so I turn on the stereo, and I started hitting buttons. And it lands on the country station. And I knew immediately that it was country music I was listening to, and I did not try to change the station, because I figured, you know what? I deserve to suffer more for the mistakes I made and the people I hurt.
So I let it play. And play and play and play. I listened to country music for over an hour and I came to this conclusion: country music has at least one song that will speak to your heart directly because you feel like the artist wrote the song specifically about you and your life, because of how detailed the songs are. Oh, yeah, my hat's off to country music singers and artists. You guys, you know how to do something very well, and it's not till you experience a certain time of your life that it makes sense. I'm in that car bawling and all of the sudden on the radio, I hear this…
♪ It's been seven days ♪
♪ Since you seen her ♪
How does he know it's been seven days since I've seen her?
♪ You just can't Get her off your mind ♪
♪ 'Cause every little thing That you do or say ♪
♪ Is another reason You pushed her away ♪
♪ And now you're sittin' in your car ♪
♪ All alone ♪
Waaaa! How does he know? Make it stop! And it doesn't stop, it keeps kicking you on the ground, reminding you what a piece of crap you are.
♪ You should have gone home And locked the door ♪
♪ But you was outside being a whore ♪
So moving forward, it's been over a year now, and the same question has been asked over and over again: "So, what now?" "Are you gonna start over, you gonna get back up on that horse, you gonna get a girlfriend, you gonna get a wife, start a new family, what are you gonna do?" And I'm like, "I got dogs." "I'm good right now."
I know what it's like to be single for a long time, and I know what it's like to be in a relationship for a long time. And there's pros and cons to both. I can only speak for the guys on this one. Some guys. Guys, you ever been single so long, you start to question whether or not it's by choice? And then you find yourself saying things like, "Guess I'll be single forever, you know, just nobody wants me."
♪ Nobody wants me, nobody wants me ♪
Some of you are laughing 'cause you have that friend. A lot of you are quiet, 'cause that's you right now. And then you notice how sometimes all it takes are just a couple of minor changes, a couple of minor adjustments to get back in the game. Like, maybe you start cutting your hair different. Maybe you start dressing better. Maybe you start, I don't know, showering and shit. Someone takes notice and decides to give you a chance, and now you're back in the game. And there's no greater feeling in the world than that of being in a brand-new relationship 'cause you're just so happy. You're so happy, you're the most optimistic person in the world. Nothing can mess your day up when it's brand-new. You can miss your bus on the way to work.
[imitates bus passing]
"There'll be another." You could get fired. "Guess it wasn't meant to be." You are so freaking happy. And then you start to reflect on your life before the relationship, and you remember how you would look at your phone and it would never ring. You thought it was broken because there's no text messages. You look at your DMs, nothing. But the minute you get into a brand-new relationship, like magic, your phone…
[imitates buzzing]
Text message. Ding! Your social media, now you got numbers in there. People in the street are talking to you, and then you say this out loud. "Where were all these people at when I was single?" Answer: they were there the whole time. The difference is, you were not this happy. I found out that happiness is one of the most attractive things in the world. Who doesn't want to be around someone who's positive? You know? Unless you got Covid. Never mind. Nice, pleasant. A joy to be around. Good energy. You know who really notices just how happy you are, guys, when it's that brand-new relationship? Other women. Not your woman. Other women. They can't help but notice how happy you are. They stare at you and they point.
"Look at him. Look how happy he is. I bet I can change that."
Guys, you are now blood in the water, and the sharks are out. And if you've never been hunted before, it is one of the scariest things in the world. 'Cause usually you don't know you're being hunted until it's too late. You're over there minding your business, you're in your relationship, you're trying to make it work, and here they come.
[imitating "Theme from Jaws"]
Before you know it, it's too late, she's got ahold of you and she has you pinned down in the back seat of a car. And she's hitting you. She's hitting you with a…
♪ Baby shark, do-do-do-do-do-do ♪
♪ Baby shark ♪
You will never look at that song the same way again, you're welcome. 'Cause I'm a giver. I know. They're flashing. Okay, so, um… Netflix is letting me know… [laughing] …that my one-hour special has gone over by 37 minutes and 30 seconds.
[man] Keep it going!
[cheering loudly]
[chanting "Fluffy!"]
Should I keep going?
Should I keep going?!
Netflix. The people have spoken. For legal reasons, I must say this out loud. I have officially fulfilled my contractual obligation with the good people of Los Angeles and Netflix. The show is technically over. From this moment forward, anything you hear, if you don't like it or you don't think it's funny, you can't get mad. You can't get mad. 'Cause you didn't pay for it. The show is now over. This is now a Fluffy hangout.
[in Spanish] Fuck off.
Thank you. I'm gonna keep going, but is it cool if I grab a soda? Okay. Because, wow, look. Sorry. That's why I said the show is officially over. All right.
[whistles]
To the city of Los Angeles and all surrounding counties and everyone who's here tonight, salud!
I have a little bit more I'd like to share with you before I completely start breaking down again. Earlier tonight, I made a comment about how there's some things about me that you don't know yet that are coming down the pike. And…
[woman] Love you!
This next thing… I love you too, maybe not after this story. Don't forget me. The story that I'd like to share right now happened a long time ago, but based on today's rules, that's what's concerning me. I'm gonna share this story in a different way. I'm gonna tell you the ending first and then tell you how it happened. Like Star Wars. At least by me giving you the ending first, it allows the people that brought children to make a choice. That's why… see, you're already leaving. I see how it is. I'm sorry. Can't hang, huh? Okay. Here's the end of the story. When I walked offstage, I was completely naked. Here we go. So 15 years ago plus, I was doing a show with my friend Martin.
[audience] Martin!
[in Spanish] Come on!
We were doing a show together in Orlando, Florida, at a comedy club called The Improv. Now, The Improv is a comedy club chain that's all across the country. There's a couple here in Los Angeles, so it's an awesome chain. The difference between this comedy club and any other clubs in the country is that the dressing room for the comics is actually on the stage. Not only is it on the stage, it's on the second floor. So there's a door that opens up and stairs that lead down to center stage. So Martin is hosting and he introduces me.
"Gabriel Iglesias!"
And then here comes my big Cinderella ass come down the stairs, right? He hands me the microphone, gives me a hug, and then he whispers in my ear.
"Bro, order a shot of tequila, I'll explain later."
I start the show and, shoot, 30 minutes go by. And… I have completely forgotten about Martin's request. So out of the corner of my eye, I start seeing movement, and I turn, and it's Martin, and he's like this. And I'm like, "Oh, shoot, I forgot. I sure could go for a shot of tequila right about now."
And here comes Martin walking with the tray. And the tray has two shots on it.
So I'm thinking, he must want to do a toast to the audience, right? Who knows? It's a Tuesday. He comes down to the front row, and I guess during his performance, he was eyeballing some girl in the front. And he wanted me, his friend, to set up this magical moment for him to do a tequila shot with her so he could impress her so he could, you know… Martin! Baby Shark!
So I look at the girl like, "I think my friend wants to do a shot with you." And she was excited, she was happy, she's like, "Okay!"
Martin hears "okay" and he doubled down. He's like, "Let's do body shots!"
And she stands up, "Okay!" And the whole crowd is like, "Whoo!" And I'm like, "What the hell?!" Martin grabs a lime off the tray and then he rubs it on his neck. And then he takes salt and sprinkles salt. And then she snatches the lime away from him and rubs it all over her chest 'cause she's a whore. Next thing you know, they're making out in the front row, and the whole crowd's going crazy.
"Martin! Martin! Martin!"
And they walked away together, and I'm like, what the hell? I didn't even get my shot! A couple of minutes go by, and here comes a guy, and he walks up to the stage and he's holding a shot glass, and he goes, "Hey, Fluffy, you can have mine!" And he gave me his personal drink.
So I said, "Thank you, bro, I appreciate that."
So I held it up and I said, "To Orlando!" And everyone cheered, right? And then I slammed the shot, and then everyone cheered, and then I gave him back the glass, gave him a fist bump, and he walked away.
A couple of more minutes go by, here comes another guy. And this guy's holding a glass. Not a shot glass, a glass glass. And he gets to the front and he holds it up and he goes, "Hey, Fluffy, take mine!" And I grab the glass, and it's full of black stuff. I said, "What is that?" And he said, "That is Jäger." "Excuse me?" "Jäger!" And it freaked me out because he would not close his mouth. "Jäger!" I smelled the drink, it smelled sweet, I said, "Oh, this is gonna be good."
So I held it up and I said, "To Orlando!" And everyone cheered, and then I slammed this double shot of Jäger. Oh, my God, it tasted like expired NyQuil. It was so bad. The guy looks at me, he goes, "What do you think?" I didn't want to be rude. He gave me his personal drink, so I sucked it up, I'm like, "It was good, it went down the wrong way, I'm sorry."
[in Spanish] "It's for soothing a cough, for a cough!"
I give him back the glass, he takes the glass, and then he does this, he holds it up, and then he goes… And he licked the entire rim. I have seen enough episodes of Law & Order: SVU to know that if he commits a crime, I was there.
I'm like, "Dude, what are you doing with the glass?"
He will not explain why he did that, he's just laughing at me.
So I'm just following him and questioning him. He won't tell me. I'm not paying attention. I don't realize that a small line has formed on the other side of the stage of people holding shots of Jäger. The problem that I have is that I'm a drinker. Clearly. And I have a rule. If I'm at a bar and I'm sitting at the bar, I'm in a drinking environment, if someone sends me a shot, I don't say no. I say, "Thank you," I accept the shot, and I tell the bartender, "Who sent it?" so that I can lock eyes with that person and go, "Thank you," and they can see me drink the shot so they know it didn't go to waste. If someone sends me a shot, I take that as a compliment. I think it's an awesome thing if someone sends you a drink, so when I send someone a drink, I mean good intentions with that drink. And if that person is, like, at the bar, and they're like, "Ugh, no," I'd take offense to that. I'm like, "Ugh, dick."
I don't want to make someone feel that way, so I know, if I'm in a drinking environment, I don't say no. I have already established the fact that this is a drinking environment. I've already done two rounds.
And so I see what's going on, and I'm looking for help because that's a lot.
So I look for security, and I'm like, "Security!" And security sees, and security was so clueless that night.
They're like, "Want me to help you drink?"
"No, stupid!" Martin is gone somewhere, security's clueless, so I'm stuck on my own.
So I walk over and I start drinking. I grabbed the first shot, and I held it up and I said, "To Orlando!" Boom! Second one, "To Orlando!" Boom! Third one, "To Orlando!" Boom! After about eight shots, I was like, "To Nanando!" Boom! After about 12 shots, I was like, "To Armando!" Boom! I did 17 shots of Jäger.
At this point, people are no longer watching my show for the sake of stand-up comedy, they're watching a train wreck and they don't want to leave 'cause they want to see what's going to happen. I am now reaching for number 18. And as I'm reaching for it, someone in the back of the room yells out, "Take it off!" And I was like, "You take it off!" And then her boyfriend stands up. "Hey! She'll take off whatever you take off." And all of the sudden, we had a party. That girl came up onstage and she was beautiful. According to Jäger. She's standing on the stage next to me, but at this point I'm so gone, I can barely finish a sentence. So then the crowd starts chanting. "Take it off! Take it off!" I'm like, "Here we go," so I kick off a shoe. She kicks off a sandal. I kick off the other shoe, she kicks off the other sandal. Then we started going toe-to-toe. Eventually I end up in my boxers and nothing else. And she's in a sports bra and her underwear, and it's her turn, and we all know it's her turn. And this is what I feel like I might get in trouble for because I was instigating. I was like… "Oh! Oh!" "We're gonna see something. We're gonna see something." "I don't know what we're gonna see, but we're gonna see something." "It's either going to be mo-mo or meow-meow." "It's going to be something."
As soon as she heard "meow-meow…" she ran off the stage, and now I'm standing there in my boxers. No one there to help me. Finally, my friend shows up. Martin comes out the door, runs down the stairs, takes the microphone away from me. And he goes, "Get your ass upstairs."
I'm not paying attention, I'm just looking at the ground, you know? I am gone, I'm this guy. I look like the end of a Mortal Kombat game. So, I'm not looking at Martin, so he pops me in the chest. He goes, "Hey!" And I see Martin's face. And his whole face is covered with salt. 'Cause he's a whore.
Martin says, "Get your ass upstairs!" "Okay, Martin!"
So I start trying to walk up the stairs, but I can't 'cause I'm too drunk, so I got to do that little baby bear crawl. You know, that football thing where you get on all fours. And so I crawled up the stairs like a little baby bear, and when I got to the top, everyone cheered. "He made it!"
And so I'm, "Whoo!" And Martin, he's just trying to get me to go away.
He's like, "Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Mr. Gabriel Iglesias." "This man gave you everything he had!" "He almost got naked for you!" And then I heard "almost." And a little devil appeared on my shoulder. And his name was Jäger! And from the top of the stairs, freakin' 3-2-1, "I'll tell you what…" And I threw my underwear at Martin. Half the crowd saw my side naked profile, the other half saw Pikachu. Now, the problem with sharing a story like that is that people have questioned the credibility of that story. They say, "How is it possible you could remember a story like that with such detail after drinking so many shots?" And honestly, I don't. But we recorded the show. So I know the story very well, you know.
"She'll take off whatever you take off. She'll take off whatever you take off. She'll take off whatever you take off."
I know it very well. The question that I've always gotten over the years is, you know, "Are your stories real? You know, we hear these crazy stories, whether it's about me and Snoop Dogg or Martin or all these different adventures or my son Frankie. People have always questioned whether or not the stories are, like, legit-legit. And so in my last special, I addressed it. I was tired of people asking if my stories were real, so to prove a point, at the end of my last special that I did, I included a photo of every single one of the stories that I talked about so that people would know the stories are real. And tonight… is no exception. So… Did I really get naked onstage? Ryan, hit the button. I'm fucking with you.
[laughs]
Oh, my God, you guys thought you were gonna see 3-D. I'm sorry, I did that for me. Oh, my God. You were getting stressed, like, [in Spanish] "You asshole! There are kids here!" Oh, my God. The number-one question I've gotten when it comes to my shows is, "What is your writing process?" My writing process is simple. I do not sit and write out jokes. I am really bad at that. Ask the Oscars. I experience things, and then I come out onstage and I share them, and sometimes people laugh, and if they laugh, I keep that, and whatever doesn't get a laugh, I work on until it gets a ha-ha.
Fifteen-plus years ago, my friend Ivan, who is one of my… he is my number-one longest, oldest employee. Not old like, "Hello, how are you?" He's been around a long time. He's been there from day one. Ivan's original job was to record my shows using a camcorder. Now, the fact that I'm saying "camcorder" should be an indication of the timeline. 'Cause some of you right now are like, "What's a camcorder?" It was the Snapchat of our day.
So Ivan would record the shows and then put away the camcorder and the tripod and a bunch of tapes into a bag. It was very bulky, it wasn't a phone, it was bulky. And then we'd go back to the hotel and he'd break the little guard off the back of the TV and then he'd hook it up and we'd watch the thing, and that's how I would review my material. One night, we go to dinner. Ivan packed up the bag. And we met in the hotel lobby. And Ivan forgot the camera bag in the hotel lobby. And we went to dinner, and when we came back, it was gone. And we never recovered the tape. And I know some of you are like, "How convenient." "The tape of him getting naked is gone." And to you I say, "Why would I even make up such a story that could potentially hurt my credibility or my image?" I don't need five minutes of ha-ha. What I need is there to not be a tape. I know that there's footage out there of me doing something really embarrassing and something I wish I could take back, and I know that, when this Netflix special airs, a lot of people are gonna see it, and hopefully the person who has the footage is watching. And I would like to tell that person right now, in your living room, I know you have the tape. I have $50,000 with your name on it. Come get paid.
[fans chanting "Fluffy!"]
For the last 25 years, every year I get the same question. People ask me, "Gabriel, in all your years of doing comedy, what has been the greatest moment of your career?" And it's always been one of those things where I never try to put a highlight to one specific thing, because there have been so many incredible moments over the last 25 years. You know? I love the fact that my mom saw so much of it and she saw her son become successful and that she raised someone that was respectful of people and that, you know, chased his dream. And I've always been very, like, I never wanted to put a specific date or time or event on one thing, whenever people would ask, "What has been the greatest moment of your career?" The problem is, I think that, if someone were to ask me the question on Monday… "Gabriel, what has been the greatest moment of your career?" I think I have an answer.
I'm sorry, I'm not trying to mislead you guys. This is not the greatest moment of my career. This is the greatest moment of my life.
And if I die tomorrow, I did everything I've ever wanted to do and then some. I think at this point, there's only one thing left to say. I get pulled over one night two minutes after coming out of a Krispy Kreme drive-thru. I made a left turn instead of making a right turn, but I wasn't paying attention because I had a box, right? I was like, "You're going to get it when you get home!" "You've been so bad, so bad!" "Aaah! You've been so bad." I'm not paying attention, I go the wrong way.
[imitates car passing]
[siren wailing]
Awwww!
[engine revs, tires squeal]
Hmm!
[in falsetto] Later.
[speaking gibberish]
The officer's taking forever. I said, "Forget this, he's taking too long." I grab my box, I put it on my lap, I flipped it open. "Ahh! Mmmmm!" "Ha-ha-ha-ha!" "Mm-waah! Waaaah!" And just as I'm about to tear it up, the officer gets to the window. "You know why I stopped you?" It was too easy, I said, "'Cause you can smell it!"
Los Angeles. I love you. You are my home. Thank you for 25 years. Thank you for the greatest night of my life. I will never forget you. Thank you. Thank you. This show is dedicated to the memory of Vincente Fernandez! Muchísimas gracias! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Martin!
[Vincente Fernandez singing "El Rey"]
Give it up for the man that made history tonight. You guys and Gabriel Iglesias! All I can tell you right now, this cabrón right here, Gabriel Iglesias, pulled all you guys together to unite Los Angeles. Every color, every single race, every single belief, every single faith, every background, every neighborhood, everybody's here united in laughter because of Mr. Gabriel Iglesias, ladies and gentlemen.
Listen to me, everybody out there with a dream, these are three Mexican kids from the freaking 'hood, cabrones, all right? East Los Angeles! East Los. Long Beach! Wilmington! That's right. And I tell you, if we can follow our dreams, you follow your dreams, cabrones.
I don't care what it is!
[Gabriel] Don't make excuses.
Don't let nobody tell you no!
[Gabriel] Don't make any excuses, you guys. If we can do it, por favor. I know that somewhere tonight, someone's watching this special, they're going to be inspired to do something great. I know that a few years ago, I was in Philadelphia and I saw Kevin Hart in front of a football stadium perform a show like this, and I said, "You know what, Kevin Hart can do it, I can do it."
So I hope somewhere tonight, someone is watching this, says, "You know what, I can do it too." Whatever your dream is, please go for it. Please chase it. Work hard for it, sacrifice.
[in Spanish] Just do it.
So, Martin, did he really get naked? Did he get naked? His balls were everywhere!
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