Gift-Giving Myths and Mishaps
Don't sell yourself—or your loved ones—short this holiday season
By Vicki Iovine Published: Nov 12, 2008
The stores have been decorated since Labor Day, the malls have extended their hours and the country is experiencing an epidemic of carpal tunnel syndrome from obsessive online shopping. What is everybody looking for?
The Perfect Gift, of course. And not just one gift, dozens of them, for family, friends, colleagues, teachers, neighbors, even those people we would never put on our gift lists if they didn't keep putting us on theirs. Even in this time of economic woe, many of us are still picking and poring over catalogs, combing through racks and display cases, and, in desperate moments, seriously considering whether Chia Pets really can be considered hip and funny.
Ask a fellow gift seeker what makes a perfect gift and she'll probably tell you that it's something the recipient really wants or needs, and that fits his or her personality and taste. Our kids, of course, don't count in this game because their formula is simple: Watch TV commercials, crave everything, write a list for Santa and expect to find it all under the tree or after the Chanukah candles are lit—a no-brainer. It's everybody else who requires imagination.
Hard as gift giving can be, however, gift receiving is even harder. You have to respond appropriately, with just the right amount of enthusiasm and appreciation—no matter what's inside the wrapping. I sometimes envy kids who just tear into presents with little regard for Santa's feelings. If they like it, they play with it; if they don't, they move on. It's those of us who have grownup consciences and a certain amount of guilt who know instinctively that no giver goes to that much trouble without expecting a joyous response.
The problem is, a lot of gifts hurt. What was she thinking? you wonder as you open a beautiful package to find inside a self-help book (all the rage among my women friends recently). I generally act my little heart out to make sure the giver is not disappointed. I even write thank-you notes afterward! But I can't help but think, Why me for this problem? It's a Present with a Subtext, and it's not one that makes me feel all cheery inside.
Closely related to the subtext presents are gifts that set you up for failure. At the top of that list I put chocolates, brownie baskets and anything else that tempts my sweet tooth. Why do people gleefully give us the very things that they themselves struggle not to touch the rest of the year? I generally pass it on to other people without breaking the cellophane—but I don't pretend it's a gift.
Which leads me to regifting. I don't have a problem with people passing on a lovely present that just isn't right for them. But that's seldom what regifting is, is it? The only good thing I can say about most recycled gifts is that they usually don't come from the nearest and dearest in your life.
Because big disappointment gifts do, and they can cause big hurt. What you wanted was a deep expression of love and affection, but what you received didn't quite hit the bull's-eye or, worse, failed to even aim for the target. You know the gifts: the silver earrings in a jewelry box perfectly sized to hold a diamond ring, or a key fob from the designer whose purse you've been coveting.
When I was little I wanted a Barbie doll in the way that millions of little girls have wanted a Barbie: desperately. To my father, however, all dolls looked pretty much the same, so he bought me a Christie doll. I was sorely disappointed, but I'm proud to say that even then, at 7, I knew this didn't mean my father didn't treasure and adore me.
Bottom line:Gifts are simply a statement about the giver's ability to give gifts. That's all. Gifts are not personal unless you choose to make them personal. So perhaps the lesson here is for both givers and receivers to lighten up. We're all doing the best we can, and creating unrealistic expectations over every gift is kind of childish when you think about it. The best part about exchanging presents is just being with people you care about who care about you—and doing something nice for each other. In the end, the only thought that really counts is that one.
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