By bs_happens - United States
Today, I found out that a water pipe at my work had burst over the weekend. There is absolutely no water in the building, including the bathrooms. It's a 9 hour day, and I took a laxative this morning before I came in. FML
Looks like we made it… Oh.
By RZ - United States
Today, my girlfriend was complaining of being stressed, so I mentioned having heard that sex relieves a lot of that build up of stress. She replied, "I think I'd rather stay stressed." FML
By whyyyy - 17/6/2020 05:05
Today, my daughter shaved her head in solidarity for a friend who went bald from cancer. Normally this would be an amazing gesture. Unfortunately, her "friend" is a fictional character from a book she's reading. My daughter had almost 24-inch long hair. FML
By Physics fail. - United States
Today, I finished up my physics project. I had to make some thing out of toothpicks and glue that will keep an egg from breaking when dropped 20 feet. It took me 10 hours to make it, but only took my dad 10 seconds to step on it and break it. It's due tomorrow. FML
By Volume_control - United States
Today, my boyfriend and I were having it off in his den, I screamed at the height of my climax, and from the family room came the roaring laughter of my boyfriend's brothers. FML
By Machine - Japan
Today, I asked to borrow my fat friend's pants for a semi-formal activity tomorrow. I figured I'd just get a belt to hold the pants up. Turns out, the pants fit me. FML
Today, in front of our family reunion, my daughter accused me of being a racist because I won't let her date a black man. I do not have a racist bone in my body; this man is an actual gang member and he has killed people before. Nobody believes me. FML
By coffeeshopgirl - United Kingdom
Today, I'm cheering myself up about being newly single by having a sleepover with my best friends. Their boyfriends have all decided to sleep over as well though, so I'm currently alone in a corridor with nothing but the sound of all my friends having loud sex to keep me company. FML
By katie_sadface - Canada
Today, I learned why so much money has been missing from my credit card account. My boyfriend stole it, and has been buying toys for his 3 children. I never knew he had kids. FML
By nobodyreadsmyemails - Canada
Today, I noticed that I've been spelling my company's name wrong in my email signature for over a year. FML
By Happy Employee - United States
Today, I returned from my first paid vacation in the past 2 years from a place with no cell, or internet. I've just found out that our department has been downsized. FML
By NoDocVisit - United States - Parrish
Today, I found out why my husband doesn't want me to go to the doc. It's not because of the reasonable copay. It's because he has let 3 other women use my insurance to give birth, in the last 4 years. They are all his. FML
By LA - United States
Today, at physical therapy, the girl next to me had a blue armband. I said, "Hey, sweet iPod". She said, "Actually, I have diabetes." FML
By livingonmyownfromnowon - United States - Olivehurst
Today, after evicting my roommate for excessively not abiding by the lease agreements, he thought he could get back at me by sending me a video of my sister giving him head. FML
By crash and burn - United States
Today, I moved states to be with my soulmate in our new condo. It was also the day I took out a neighbor's balcony with my U-Haul. FML
By stpddog - United States
Today, while trying to get my attention, my dog got her nail stuck in a usb port in my laptop. She freaked out and ran off, dragging it off my lap and through the house before if came off. Her nail was only slightly chipped- my laptop now has a cracked screen. FML
By Pooping - Canada - Aldergrove
Today, while I was at work, a coworker began ranting about his theory that the government is going to create a disease that sterilises everyone, and use the antidote to control the population. I was just trying to take a crap in the stall next to him. FML
By ENDmySUFFERING - United Kingdom - Southampton
Today, I walked into my son's room to be attacked by a swarm of flies. I'm afraid to go back in there. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I've recently become serious about getting fit, and have lost nearly 84 pounds. Apparently, when I was fat, I made her look smaller in comparison. When I got slimmer, she insisted I either gain the weight back or she'd leave. So she did. FML
By IEatDammit - Canada
Today, I had a stomach virus, so I didn't eat anything. My new roommate asked me if I was anorexic and to prove I wasn't, I ate a sandwich in front of her... Only to go into the bathroom and throw it up later. She heard and now thinks I'm bulimic. FML
By Hopelesslover - Malta
Today, I was trying to give my girlfriend an orgasm. While doing so she was lying on her back. I asked her: "How do you like that, baby?". She responded by asking where I bought the false ceiling and spotlights as she thought it would look good in her flat. She got bored instead of excited. FML
Today, I found my missing shoe. It hit me as it fell out the tree in our front yard. FML
By Anonymous - United States - Cuyahoga Falls
Today, I downloaded a movie for my mom that she really likes, "When Harry Met Sally". When she loaded the file, we soon found out it was actually some kind of obscure porno billed as "When Harry Wet Sally". FML
By rolypoly - United Kingdom
Today, I achieved a personal goal by completing a half-marathon for charity, despite being overweight and unfit before training. When I finished I cried, not because I was proud of myself, but because I ran the last 2 miles while being followed by kids on bicycles calling me a "fat cunt". FML
By Username - United States
Today, I got a really bad sunburn on my face while at the lake. Not to worry, though; my friends made me feel better by saying, "It takes the attention away from your acne." FML
By Anonymous - Brazil - Americana
Today, I was at work, reading some funny stories on my phone. Just as one of my co-workers decided to share that his father had passed away recently, I burst into uncontrollable, teary-eyed laughter at a story. They don't believe my explanation, and have branded me the office asshole. FML
Today, I took my first fare as a qualified taxi-driver. The pride soon diminished as I was forced to listen to my passenger give a greatly detailed description of his recent colonoscopy. FML
By mrs14 - United States
Today, I spent five minutes sitting in my car, panicking and tearing my purse apart because I couldn't find my keys. I then found them. They were in the ignition, and the car was running. FML
By brando2k5 - United States
Today, I got the official word my wife is pregnant. Her sister, who lives with us, is also pregnant. I'm stuck in an apartment with two women due in late 2012. FML
By babydoc - 3/7/2020 23:00
Today, I visited a friend and her new baby. The baby had a tight constrictive headband and a clearly wet cloth nappy on. I tried to give some friendly advice on why this was bad, but she shot me down, saying what would I know, I don't have a kid. She's 17 and I'm a 26-year-old practicing midwife. FML
By 3firedepos - 15/6/2020 05:06
Today, I walked outside and was so happy about the return of smell of campfires and summer time. I now realize that the campfire smell was a house burning down in my neighborhood. FML
By MyLife
Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML
By jaqlove - United States - Clementon
Today, I woke up with a cockroach in my ear. FML
Phew, glad it wasn't me
By Anonymous - Canada - Montreal
Today, I had to spend a few hours in a hospital with a toddler and a preschooler projecting vomit all over, because my husband thinks "expiration dates are for pussies." FML
By Crushed
Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip this weekend so that she won't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML
By boiled ladybits - 25/6/2020 14:02
Call the waaaambulance!
Today, I was in the shower having a little fun with the detachable shower head. I didn't know anyone else was home until I heard a toilet flush and scalding hot water flooded my cooch. I think I need to go to the ER, but I'm too embarrassed to ask for a ride there. I can't walk or sit properly. FML
By pokeloser
Today, my high point was still being able to recite all 151 generation one Pokémon in order, from memory. I need a life. FML
By man - United Kingdom
Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML
By CHStennis_4 - United States
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML
By Stinkycar
Today, it was an unusually hot day and I saw one of my friends walking down the street carrying a large bag. I stopped and asked if he needed a ride. When he got in, I noticed a horrible stench. He then told me he'd just been dumpster diving. FML
By badsister - United States
Today, I made a batch of "special" brownies for a party I was going to tonight. I wrapped them up and put them on the counter with a note that said DO NOT EAT. Later on I came home from some errands to find a tray of half eaten brownies and my ten year old sister passed out on the couch. FML
By whatwasthatnoise | 0
#768628 - Monday 11 January 2010 20:06
i'm by no means certain, but i'm pretty sure its probably illegal to make you work in a building that doenst have water and toliets...i may be wrong..but i do remember hearing something like that..atleast in the UK, but also..why would you take a laxative before you went to work?
By Starfire22 | 5
Why would you take a laxative before work?
LoriZ_fml | 0
#769214 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 1:03
That is true - it's illegal to work in a building that doesn't have working bathroom facilities.
But I hope your work is willing to pay for your new pants!
nazooer | 11
saaaammmmm | 0
#790425 - Friday 22 January 2010 8:28
Being illegal doesn't magically stop it from happening, unfortunately. The OP could have "volunteered" to work in the building. The risk of possibly being laid off or a misguided sense of duty can cause people to get coerced into working in less than ideal conditions. I hope the OP at least got paid time and a half as compensation for not having a toilet.
loriny24 | 0
#979929 - Thursday 15 April 2010 3:35
true.. I beleive in ny u can't work with no water I could be wring though.. n ydi for takeing a laxitive before work
bamskey | 0
#1007409 - Wednesday 26 May 2010 4:03
take an upper-decker......
(when u take a shit in the water tank insted is the toilet)
works everytime
jandrews10 | 0
This is gay AND fake.
mkahane1990 | 0
#770437 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 18:27
how is it gay?
peters2010 | 0
#977715 - Sunday 11 April 2010 10:30
do you honestly think your job is gonna pay you to take craps all day?
and why would you want to blow up the bathrooms at your work? Im pretty sure that's something you should take care on your own time!
Honda288 | 2
No shit man, that just screams bad idea.
By pw57 | 0
the smart thing would be to take it once you get home. Who would chose to have the shits at work on purpose?
By andydawg8891 | 0
Ladies and Gentlemen I present:
The Fake FML
By peanut46 | 0
Correct me if I'm wrong but....FAKE!
By last12win | 0
Why would someone want to take a laxative and go to work... ???? you WANT to crap your brains out in a bathroom shared with your co-workers? yikes.
TheTragicReturn | 0
Taking a laxative does not mean crapping "your brains out." The OP could take just enough to ease constipation.
shadexilmaendu | 4
#4561173 - Wednesday 13 June 2012 14:41
I know a few people with digestive problems who take laxative as part of a daily routine otherwise they can't go or it's always painful.
By Skullcrusher | 5
That's not anything a good ole adult diaper wouldn't take care of.
By WONDERWB | 2
It is also illegal in the US to have no plumbing in a public or private work place.
By CallMeHush | 0
You can still crap, you just can't flush. FTheJanitorsLife.
Electric_Star | 0
Omg this made me laugh so hard, imagining the janitor and the look on his face. I'm sure he'll have a few choice words.
CallMeHush | 0
You know there was no joy in that mans life on that day.
By TrollTrollTroll | 0
shit on your boss
x_HELLo_tHERE_x | 0
On Debra's desk, like-a boss. :)
jeffav51 | 0
#2179167 - Monday 14 March 2011 8:04
29, absolute WIN