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Speaking of Dying. . .
Since I have been diagnosed with cancer. I soon found that jokes about death took on new meaning, such as this one.
Three buddies were talking about death and dying. One asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man."
The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"
A man elects to have a prostatectomy (removal of the prostate) and asks the surgeon to try to spare the nerves that produce an erection.
Well, he goes into surgery and wakes up in the recovery room and sees his doctor.
Man: So how did it go?
Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.
Man: Give me the good news first.
Doctor: We were able to save the nerves.
Man: That's great news! What's the bad news?
Doctor: They're under your pillow.
Guess Who One the Bet.
Sam and Abe, now in their late seventies, first met in the second grade in a school on the lower East Side of New York. Their relationship now is one of playing pinochle, playing jokes and making bets.
Sam calls Abe and says, "I got a bet for you: I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars"!
Abe says, "How can that be? If you knew anything about biology, you..."
Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. One thousand dollars...yes or no"?
Abe says, "Okay, okay, I'll take your bet! How long is yours soft"?
Sam says, "Eleven years".
The Call of Nature
Ernie's driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden Nature calls.
He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.
When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, women are dancing on the tables nd there's hardly standing room anywhere.
Ernie scans the place a couple of times to find the restrooms, but to no avail. Finally, he spots a small stairway and scrambles up.
When he gets to the top, he discovers that all the doors are locked. All but one. When he opens the door, all he sees is a big hole in the floor. Desperate, he drops his pants and dumps the biggest load he's ever had, right there in the hole.
Relieved, he calmly walks down the stairs. The once crowded barroom is completely empty, not a soul is in sight. Slowly, a bartender rises from behind the bar.
"What happened!?!" asks Ernie.
The bartender responds, "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"
After the Honeymoon
The morning after their honeymoon, the wife said to her husband, "Y'know, you're really a lousy lover"!
The husband replied, "How would you know after only 30 seconds"?
It's All in the Colours
A visitor to the US from the Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Dutch flag. "Our flag symbolises our taxes" he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them".
"That's the same with us" the American said, "only we see stars, too".
The Diet of Pool Balls - a Groaner
"My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor", complained the patient.
"What have you been eating" asked the doctor?
"That's easy. I only eat pool balls".
"Pool balls" said the astonished doctor!!? "Maybe that's the trouble. What kind do you eat"?
"All kinds," replied the man, "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner".
"I see the problem," said the doctor. "You haven't been getting any greens"!
The 'phone Call
A man answers the 'phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Nancy has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is".
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her".
"You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? All right".
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room, "Nancy, your mother wants to talk to you"!
Just No Pleasing Some People!
A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.
"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."
He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.
The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"
They Have a Word for It As Well
Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin' the salami and so on, there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.
"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.
"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.
"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."
The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."
"What's that?"
"Finishing the job."
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