Datasets:

hugginglearners

/

reddit-depression-cleaned

like 1

Follow

fastai X Hugging Face Group 2022 237

i m a year old man and i m in the worst state of my life right now i started out my adult life by dropping out of college after week due to depression and severe anxiety and getting 0 000 in debt it took me year to pay that and my car loan off and i wa finally back to even financially i spent thousand of dollar trying therapy medication chiropractor for my back issue and nothing helped me i ve tried exercise healthy diet yoga everything i ve ever been told to do to get better and it never helped me long term i ve been working dead end job ever since and barely scraping by each month while my body and mind deteriorate i have so many untreated and likely some undiagnosed health issue and i barely have the energy to do my laundry once a week anymore and can t do anything else productive i am too anxious to leave my room and even be around my roommate i ve known since high school i feel like i m never going to escape the poverty loop i finally broke even year ago when i wa and now i m back 000 in credit card debt stressing me out every day my car broke down and now have to uber around town making my finance even worse i failed at any goal i set in term of trying to get a better career i can t live like this working 0 hour a week at a dead end job with nothing bringing me enjoyment except food i have no family to help me i haven t had more than day off a week since i wa in high school why is the world punishing me because my parent ignored my health concern growing up and they were too poor to help me afford college it seems like everyone else who is a bad off a i am ha their family to help support them through their finance and health issue whereas mine just exacerbated mine i just can t do it any more i broke down cry at work last night i can t even stand working a job where i sit at a desk hour a night and talk to people per shift i want to end it all so bad but don t know a painless guaranteed way to do it i just want help and my country and state don t care about me and i have nobody else

i ve been suffering from bout of depression since my dad died last year i wa already in the second semester of my master s when it happened i finished that semester with the exception of my research method course and then i took a leave of absence then in september 0 i went back to school to work on my placement at a political office until november from january to march i worked there part time until my contract finished and told them that i would be focusing on my thesis until my school is finished my thesis didn t go a planned and i can t help but feel like i ve let my supervisor down she is super sweet and although she is very busy she ha been very supportive and know what happened to my dad my thesis ended up not having enough interview not enough literature and i d have to finish it by next week and find a second reader in order to graduate on time this wa also my fault because i feel like i haven t been taken my mental health seriously enough a i have had so many day where i did not want to do anything i ve procrastinated so much a a result of fear depression grief and burnout etc i just have not mentioned this to my supervisor because i don t want to be making excuse it would take a miracle for me to finish this all on time and i really want to because it s so expensive to pay for another semester i m feeling so depressed over this

i wake up and expect to deal w the same shit i had to yesterday life is gettin boring to say the least

i never had illusion of grandeur growing up i had a pretty low bar for what itd take to make me happy

every time i start to be stupid enough to believe that maybe i m not crap or that thing might be ok something bad always happens when i stay depressed and assume the worst and feel bad about myself thing usually remain about the same what is the use of trying

i m currently on prozac rexulti and buspar i m in a pretty bad place so my doctor added wellbutrin to my medication generally how long will it take to show improvement in fatigue and motivation if it work

i really need to talk with someone just to break down or cry just release all of the shit that have been pilling up people do notice that i m depressed something wrong but every time people ask if i m okay i answer yes i don t really know how to ask for help i don t know who is being nice and who really care how can i open up to someone

to clarify i guess i wa only happy because i wa really high but i stopped for a minute and started thinking i wa thinking about who i am and how much of a sad useless piece of shit i am i wa hanging out with a few people at the time so i had to shake the thought pretty quickly fuck i wish i could just forget who i am altogether i m getting tired of me

i hate myself and my self destructive behavior

what depressing is that i have covid stuck in my room for day lost weight bc i havent been eating bc i think im a burden for asking for food i actually thought my sister would at least help me my year old sister is sleeping in the lounge room for the time being and whenever i ask if there food kitchen is step away from living room she doesnt check and say idk didnt look a for my twin i ask her to her me smth and she would say i cant be bothered tell j younger sister to get it i only get snack and food when she s already at the shop i would do anything but why cant they do it for me im the oldest sister and i dont get respect it sad and depressing

self explanatory title i can make it through the day when distracted with a busy day at work or surrounded by friend but a soon a i m alone or i have a minute to think i realise how deeply unhappy i am in almost every aspect of my life i don t want to die i know there s thing to live for like family friend travelling new career potential love and child and maybe being one day happy but every day i wake up and struggle i feel little part of my health and sanity being chiseled off one by one and i just don t know how long i can do this for before i just give up

while i wait for my school counselor to give me an update on the whole online school therapy thing i wa convinced to check out a confidential free and text based crisis hotline it s apparently designed for teen like me who have noone in their life that they could talk to now for me personally my experience wa subpar i don t want to disrespect the volunteer work there but after the successful attempt one in the morning and one just hour earlier i felt like i wa just a number on a waiting list the system constantly kicked me out of the conversation and the one time i actually had a decent conversation it felt like they were trying to cast me aside a quick a possible a soon a i mentioned that music help me organize my thought at time they told me to just listen to music and the conversation closed immediately after maybe i m stupid or maybe it s just my anxiety and paranoia but they seemed annoyed i guess it would help to say what i wa expecting i wa thinking it would be a deep dive into why i feel the way i do but it wa more just a short session of giving me a metaphorical ice pack and sending me home with an old stale lollipop if i didn t feel worthless enough already then well a for the nd successful attempt it wa even shorter they asked me how i wa feeling they asked a question to confirm what i said i answered and then the very next message wa telling me that i must ve stepped away and that the conversation had been closed the automated reply also hit me with a stinger saying you matter it doesn t feel like it it doesn t help that i had to reply stop over and over because i kept getting auto reply from the bot needle to say i have le faith that online school therapy will even put a dent in how i feel tldr seeking help a many advise when situation like these crop up hasn t worked this time around and my already weak ability to see a good future for myself ha withered away a bit more

i m fucked up badly with my 9f ex girlfriend and now i m so guilty of how i handled thing i m punishing myself mentally and physically i ve lost nearly 0lbs from not eating and going the gym so now i m around lb at i don t leave the house unless i have to and i just exist in my room everytime i smile or laugh i stop instantly because i don t feel like i deserve to feel happiness anymore i think i ve had a mental breakdown because i m so guilty all the time and i can t seem to forgive myself because it doesn t even feel real that i d decide to make the choice i made i don t even know who i am anymore if i can be so deeply confused at choice i ve made in hindsight imagine knowing deep in your heart you ve met the love of your life and you ve thrown it all away because you can t handle a simple issue

i am 0 year old and genderfluid they she he and every day i am alive i have no clue what is going on my depression is mostly caused by my other disorder asd adhd and ocd and i ve had it since junior high often i feel so hopeless because those disorder all have their own comorbidities that mess with me on the day to day i struggle with writing spelling understanding verbal word social cue my own emotion if my thinking or the disorder and more there is just so much happening all the time at a nightmare level of complexity it exhaust me and paint the world dull i feel like i am always on the verge of imploding and exploding at the same time people get mad at me for thing i didn t know and expect so much from me when right now this is all i got my goal is to move far away onto a hill in the middle of nowhere it seems like the more the world asks of me the le i do instead of a big moment breakdown it little one like a car sputtering to a stop this all being said i know that my life will keep moving forward and thing will change but right now it s just so hard to believe that a if the world wa against me since day one ya know thank you for listening if anyone can offer advice on dealing with this i would v much appreciate it

i dont want to die but i dont want to live life is so lonely i can not for the life of me connect with anyone anymore and my brain taunt me with the past connection that i did have but now gone because thats life people and thing come and go and i need to be okay with being alone and working hard for my future alone but i see no point we work we meet people we eat healthy we work out we take care of ourselves but for what to just die at the end it miserable everyday is miserable and the good time are so quick to end and then youre back in your miserable loneley relality but after every good moment the bad moment just get worse and worse i have been excluded all my fucking life and i dont feel a purpose or community anywhere i dont feel wanted

i can t find the strength to do anything i m supposed to do like studying going to the gym or finding a job i have been losing interest in thing i used to like to the point i don t enjoy doing them and they are becoming difficult to do because they are supposed to make me happy and being happy requires a lot of energy i don t have by losing interest and thing i like i m running thin of thing that keep me motivated for living and hope for the future i have difficulty getting help because i don t think it is worth the effort for a hopeless person like me i don t even think i deserve that help considering the thing i hate about myself i don t even want to talk about this thing with other people that care for me because with my point of view of the world and future might grab them down to this dark and hopeless vision the only thing that keep me from km is that i know it would hurt people around me i really need something to look forward something that give me the motivation to keep going

year old here i hate myself so much i wish i could be different more motivated i wish i wasn t so skinny i wish i could be braver funnier more fun to be around more cool more outgoing and calm i m an anxious loser who stress over everything but doesn t try and be better i wish girl would talk to me thats all i want a girl to like me i wish i could feel the happiness of someone liking me

i m probably most content when i m by myself don t need anyone to talk to or try to impress but the moment i have to fauxalize fake socialize a i call it and then i get completely irritated and annoyed by any and everyone if they re too happy if they re too talkative if they stand too close etc my irritation level go from 0 to 00 and i just want to completely remove myself from the situation before i blow a fuse

many time when i want to end the suffering i think of committing suicide or other method to alleviate the pain such a starting to smoke drink drug there are time that i think that one of these method can help me get through the bad moment i am going through but there is always something that in the end prevents me because deep down i know that none of that will help me and that i join it that i can continue fighting a i do and the day will come when i will be free

hey guy im gon na be honest here im a year old stoner with a lot of mental health issue i havent ever really had anyone i felt comfortable or safe opening up to and i know it can be the same for a lot of other men of all age i wanted to create a subreddit of some sort a a safe place to vent give and seek advice for domestic or any other reason a men mental health problem seems to be kinda looked over i m looking for advice on how to grow that kind of community i haven t had a safe place like that for me and i dont want men to have the same problem or feel the same way kindest regard safewithus

of this sub i really wish all that post on this sub could just find the peace they are looking for but it seems like it just talking to a wall a lot of post have no response so why post is it to get it out in writing looking for other opinion wanting someone to say hey you are not worthless because i like everyone else here that read these post is struggling with my demon do ordinary people read these post and get a chuckle out of them i dont have the answer if i did i would share with everyone here so i apologize this wa a rant and more question

i m not interested in life there thing i d like to do but i have no money to experience them i dont have friend or any girl to share a relationship with life is bland i have a job interview tomorrow i ll probably get it now i ll have to show up and sell 0hrs of my life doing something i could care le about for some money i hate everything it s not enjoyable pandemic ruined everything a girl i started really liking doesn t want to see me anymore because i m not vaxed that one definitely hurt a bit she went cold on me please skip the anti pro vax debate i m over it amp i m not anti i dont like leaving the house or dealing with people i dont see any point in this thing called life it just drain me and i d like it to end it simply exhausting amp i get 0 enjoyment from it it feel like a sadistic game i just want it to end i wont hurt myself i dont think i will i dont know if i m depressed i either feel nothing or anger i envy people who are blissfully happy enjoying life i d give anything have that i dont need everything to be great but i d at least like to not hate day to day life i dont have much left in me anymore

i m so done with everything i love my career but everyday is harder and harder to get up and go to class i get home and just sleep instead of studying because i feel like absolute trash i feel like nobody love me or even care about me i feel like my friend don t care that i am skipping class and that i have literally stopped talking to everyone i just stand there with them but don t engage with anything because if i do i m scared i ll bust into tear my best friend completely changed his behavior with me a few month ago and now i feel like he doesn t like me anymore i feel like the most unlovable unlikeable person ever nobody ha ever been in love with me i have never kissed anyone or even held hand i just want someone to care about me to ask me about my day to ask me how i m feeling it doesn t even have to be romantic i just want someone anyone to care i fear that my depression get so bad that i stop completely going to class and i fail this semester i don t know what to do

i talk to myself for like minute sometimes this so intense that i my hand gesture too there is always a intervention from my brain asking what am i doing this happens when i am stressed with some hypothetical issue which probably will never occur for example what if i park my vehicle in a spot how will my neighbor react if i some what unknowingly encroach on his parking spot if this scenario play out then what would be my reaction this issue i just make some hypothetical scenario about my interaction with my neighbor and how would i react to this so called dispute there will be several different scenario playing my mind with realte to this example please help me if this related to adhd and if yes how severe is this if not adhd then what is this

i fucking hate everyone and everything i can t take another day fck everyone on this planet why tf do i have to feel so shit all the time fuck god he ain t shit he abandoned me why tf do i have to feel so shit all the time while everyone else get to enjoy their life and get everything they want i also hate people who take advantage of other people i can t wait to end it i wish no one wa around so i can do it idgaf about anything that s my rant

you re easily replaceable and trust me they will replace you if you re lucky you ll be born into a loving and sweet family but that s often not the case for most people you re alone and will be alone for most of your time on this earth you ll reach an expiration date for your usefulness and they ll kick you to the curve it doesn t matter if you re really struggling and barely hanging on or if they re aware of what you re going through and they ll give you every excuse in the book but the simple matter of the fact is that they don t care about you anymore what do you have to offer now

i just hate my parent for bringing me into this world and giving me a shitty childhood and shaping me into the worst version of myself i can t keep living like this

just a motivational quote

my world ha been falling apart for a decade i ve finally hit the bottom i need someone to talk to real bad anybody i m cry in an empty teamspeak atm opening apps hoping to see someone

i don t know how to explain it i had bad childhood and tbh i never felt love in my whole life if i care for someone and they see this they hurt me i m not only talking relationship but with overall people around me and i have depression i feel tired all the time and sometimes i can t even leave my bed also i m very paranoid i feel like everyone want to betray me u me and i have lost all the trust because of it don t even feel like human

how do you keep going when you feel like nothing is going well

life is fucking hard that s it we care which ha left many of u with scar disappointment rejection one of the few emotion we carry daily bc we see no hope the overwhelming feeling that we should be doing more but what is the fucking point just do something feel sorry for yourself i feel sorry for you i feel sorry for myself yet our dream are keeping u alive suffocating u to do something no matter how little the task it make a difference so if you want to lay in bed binge watch cinema or sleep away your thought away do what you must your dream still life on we re waiting for you when you wake up rock tar

hedonist lover ive lost myself upon your devilish gaze smile razor blade cutting word vibrantly painting picture with blood marking wall memory screaming out i will infest your subconcious like drapery beautiful silk of morbid whisper cover my body while my soul gently rock in the wind hedonist lover set me free

i m just so tired i can t do anything there are bag full of clothes and me took one and a half hour to unpack le than two of them i also made a mistake of leaving myself with my own thought so i began to spiral starting with me being angry at my ex and ending on me having flashback from primary school when i probably wa also depressed when i wa every day after school sitting at my desk trying to study or do homework but i couldn t even start or focus due to adhd and executive dysfunction i wa every day sitting at my desk after school guilty over doing nothing and sitting like that until sleep time only to get yelled at next day for getting another bad grade for not doing homework i just despise almost everything in my life my parent aren t supportive at all except providing therapy and med which is a lot but they re one of the reason why my mental health is so bad since i remember i can t do anything and i m useless i might need to repeat my school year cause i missed a lot of class due to me literally being unable to get up i don t have energy or time for my friend but i constantly vent to them and i know it s annoying a heck for them even though they claim that i can vent a much a i want to cause they do the same but i just can t go without telling someone how shitty i feel and even if they read that stuff they just respond with one word reply or sad emoji my ex constantly stress me out with his weird as message and i have to see him at school every day i just feel like everything is just too much and definitely a lot more than i m able to do the biggest challenge in my day is waking up and taking any care of myself but i m also expected to help out with chore study a lot for final be at every class and to not make everyone uncomfortable with how bad my mental health is so right now i m sitting and having mental breakdown for hour and forty minute already with three bag of clothes waiting to be sorted while i have private lesson in 0 minute and my dad will get angry a fuck at me if i won t get this done before those lesson the worse part is just how no one even care about that not my friend not my parent cause in their opinion i m lazy and probably no one here too the only person that care is my therapist who is paid to care about the fact that i more and more feel like killing myself over the simplest thing like chore

about month ago i had one of the worst day of my life and i wa ready to call it quits if it wasn t for my closest friend stopping what he wa doing to come see me i probably would ve then and there p this is an appreciation post

i just got a new girlfriend we both had sex last weekend and it wa great we re both and love each other i ve been pretty depressed during the past year and when i met her everything changed i though she would be my new world and she is but something she told me broke my heart and made me depressed again one of her crackhead mom friend had been touching her in the private area when she wa younger she told me this because she got flashback from that moment while i were doing the same to her she didnt want to hurt me so she did not say anything this made me furious and sad i want to kill that motherfucker so badly and now everytime we have sex she is going to be thinking about that moment after this i told my self to never let this happend to her again although she will always be hurt it hurt me almost just a much to know this i need help tip support anything please

i recently lost a family member that i knew and met i ve only lost so far in this same criterion i ve been not doing so well even before any of that i feel like i m on autopilot daily i feel empty and nothing brings me joy even the thing i used to love and be passionate about i have a hard time communicating anything to anyone because all i want to do is be quiet and pas through people life a an invisible specter aimlessly living to survive and be away from everyone even the one that want to be in my life i have trouble sleeping at night drinking make me worse smoking only amplifies my anxiety and existential crisis meditating is useless now and i have no way to cope with what i m feeling have been feeling for the past few year it s easier for me to type thing out than it is to say them out loud i find myself losing my mind in work and zoning out while staring at my wall on a daily basis doe anyone have any advice for what i m dealing with and how to manage some of this i m not one to normally ask for help but at this point i m willing to try anything to get away from this darkness that haunt my life

afters year i finally had contact with a person i like i sleepover at her house quite often i like her alot and day ago she told me that she is getting sent to psychiatry why cant i just be happy why is it all getting taken away from me

i don t know what to do at the moment lately i ve been cry almost everyday and i m angry constantly i felt that i had the obligation to please everyone mom boyfriend etc but i forgot how to be happy how to look forward for tomorrow

ha anyone been prescribed mirtazapine or other alpha receptor antagonist to treat their anxiety i would prefer not to use start with ssri s what wa you experience

everything about how i act and what i say and how i say it and about the way i move and breathe and everything i think everything i like everything i want everything about my face and body and the way i dress and my life and my future is fucking stupid people eventually always realize this

hello i ve been dealing with depression for what seems an eternity i went through a pretty bad episode back in 0 9 and it lasted all the way till half of 0 i made some lifestyle change and it worked at first but then my routine turned into a chore and i stopped doing it le and le i m at a point now where i feel exhausted but i want so bad to continue being productive and i just can t i feel like i m just lazy or that i m using my mental health a an excuse but i m so tired some day i m still and my mom prohibits the use of antidepressant or any medication that help with chemical imbalance in the brain i tried therapy but i feel i could benefit more from taking medication it s a constant battle in my head one side tell me to rest the other say that i can t let myself go down bad again ive missed a lot of school because of this but because of covid most of my work is in a laptop so i m missing day but i still maintain good grade i tried talking to my counselor and she said that she agreed that i needed further mental help but because i m a minor and my mom there s not much we can do i need help i don t know what to do anymore

i m 0 and i m alone and it s tough to pretend i m a whole person amp x 00b i haven t made a friend since high school i m starting to befriend someone at work but it s giving me a lot of anxiety because when am i going to say the thing that make her hate me it feel like i have to do everything right to be social or maybe i m missing something that everyone else ha or maybe i m just not cut out to be social but to have friend you have to answer them when they fucking text regardless of what s going on in my life and i just don t have the energy to keep up with that i recently had someone tell me i wa probably not doing well on bumble bff because i m a slow responder sometimes i don t know what to say sometimes word aren t happening in my brain sometimes i m just too tired maybe missing out on social thing for all of my 0 s is something i m never going to be able to recover from amp x 00b i ve been in a lot of workplace where i wa the loser i had no friend i d catch people saying mean thing about me they all get together with each other and i m not invited i ve been in multiple situation where group of people don t like me and do shitty passive aggressive thing to me every chance they get i don t know what i do wrong i try to just be a genuine kind person i get feedback that i m nice i know i m not perfect but at least i ve had some feedback that i m not totally delusional to think i m a nice person but there have also been a few time where i know what i said there have been a few time when i can pinpoint the off comment that make someone turn on me and it must be more than one off comment because it s always easy for that person to get a group to turn on me it s terrifying to feel like at any moment i can slip up and someone will just decide i m not worth their time amp x 00b and i never feel like i say the right thing some of my coworker s response are lackluster think lol and i just wonder if she even want to talk to me making friend give me the same anxiety that trying to date someone give me that s kind of fucked up i should probably not care so much whether or not someone decides they want to be my friend but also it affect me i feel like i m not worthy of friendship because so many people have decided i m not worth their time and honestly this is a big moment for me because this is the moment i realize i ve internalized all that rejection and got to where i don t feel good enough for friendship why would someone pick me when i m a ball of nerve why would someone want to hang out with someone who only feel like half a person amp x 00b lately i ve been doing okay relative to the last 0 year i finally got a job that doesn t feel like chinese water torture i m on medication and that help a ton i m a lot better about not letting myself slip into negative thought pattern this week i haven t been feeling the overwhelming cloud of misery because i finally got medication that isn t expired and i m taking it regularly but every time i think about social stuff it just give me this squished feeling i can t name the feeling but it s visceral my body feel shitty i m going on a vacation with my mom and her work friend in a month and i m so fucking nervous because what if i do the thing that make everyone hate me i don t even know what the fucking thing is but spending four day with people who are talking crap about you in a small space i did that around this time last year and it wa so bad amp x 00b okay amp x 00b i m a solution oriented person and part of my problem is that i don t know how to fix this part of my life i don t really know what the solution is to feeling unworthy of friendship it took me eight year to figure out the solution to hating myself and honestly even though it s a struggle it s also worth it to fight through those feeling and find an even timbre social situation are just approached totally differently from a mental health perspective i ve googled how to feel le lonely and the fucking answer wa make friend how do you make friend when you feel like nobody want to be your friend and for good reason therapist have basically told me to find a group and the friendship will happen naturally but there s not a huge meet up scene in my area and i have a ton of anxiety about going to one and the few i have been to were not great i couldn t read the book on how to influence people and never feel powerless again i got halfway through it and it honestly felt like customer service kiss as bullshit but this time i m not even getting paid for it that book make me feel like i have to scrub my personality clean and poke myself into a small box to be socially acceptable amp x 00b i just don t know i m going to keep trying different thing i m going to keep putting myself out there because the only other choice is to keep doing thing the same shitty way with the same shitty outcome amp x 00b i needed this rant today and if anyone actually manages to read all that thanks for your time and i hope both our day get better

addimitdedley never i thought i would still be here m at some point i gave up and thought i would effectively die in some ill advised manner never planned to be in this situation i have hope a career and a wife now yet someday i m waiting for it all to go up in flame feel like my time is limited and i wa never meant to get this far tittering on the edge of the abyss honestly don t know if i have it in me to climb out again getting flash back of being in that hole i can t recall how i got out it before in my case i can only describe it a god supernatural intervention i hope he doesn t allow me to go through this again honestly don t know if i can do this again

so my wife ha clinical depression she wa diagnosed two year ago and ha actively been taking medication i won t lie it get hard sometimes but i m trying to understand this more and more so that i can maintain my own stability and mental health while helping her when i can anyhow so from an outsider s point of view sometimes it feel like my wife experienced something or doe something and then the depression symptom happen sometimes they boil over and sometimes you go back into therapy to help when i ask she say nothing specifically happened she just doesn t feel good is this common can yo help understand how some of you experience an onset of symptom tl dr trying to understand to be there for my wife

i m quitting my job today and i m a wreck this job ha great people but the work and the hour day most of the year ha pushed me deeper into my depression than i can help i feel like such a failure quitting such a prestigious job because i couldn t handle it my therapist is hyping me up and all of my friend and family are so supportive but i am so unsupportive of myself that all of it read false ha anyone quit their job before because of mental difficulty how do you get excited about new opportunity rather than feeling depressed about past challenge

some people are so incredibly good at faking confidence and man it s hard to believe how charismatic and shit people who are anxious or depressed can be

lot of depressed people out here just barely holding on to what little they have if anything life is tough another day

i know problem have always existed many people who are depressed now have been depressed before all of this shit happened but i can not help but feel like two year of our life have been taken away from u most people my age had to waste one year or more of their life doing college university remote i personally have witnessed multiple war and conflict break out over this time so much death so much stress so much grief anxiety and sorrow covid isn t the worst of what ha happened recently i feel like i don t need to mention what the world ha been going to hell a lot of people are writing that nothing seems fun well that s because it s not we re not allowed to do anything we re only allowed to be miserable and watch each other suffer emotionally financially mentally physically where ha everything went wrong maybe this is all a cruel joke well it s not funny

being loved by everyone having money to take care of my family giving back traveling the world getting up each morning working on project having no insecurity being respected being king

i can t cope with being alone again why am i so envious of my closest friend being happy with others while i am here by myself heartbroken and given delusion that i have an actual special relationship with her you told me that i wa your closest friend but why don t you treat me like one why do you look happier when you re with others why do you always make me look like a fool when i show my affection but appreciate any other person when they show theirs i ve always helped you at you at your lowest but why did you give up on me at my lowest there s so much that i want to ask her but i would look pathetic if i do you always tell me in person that i am important to you but why don t you want to spend time with me like the way we used to how can i get used to being alone again it s like i m being choked then allowed to breathe for a second just to get choked again right after my envy won t let me go i still want her i am still hoping i could fix this i want to be happy too but now nobody care if i show sadness i ll be seen a weak why do others get loved and have dependable people with them while i am left alone trying to find answer from people that are lonely too may i ask how can i depend on solely myself again i need to learn how i opened myself too much and now i feel like a husk with everything taken out from me i would not commit suicide but i have no fear of death now if it mean taking away these thought away from me once and for all

it never get easier no matter how many year i wait it s not getting better i never learn to cope properly i don t even feel the slightest bit more okay or hopeful even after three year of therapy i am so fucking miserable every single day everything is so exhausting and i dread the fact that i have to wake up tomorrow and do something i just want to be left alone i can t deal with all of this i already shut down because of the smallest thing i have depressive episode every single day after work i don t want to live a a human being i hate this stupid world and everything in it i don t want it i never wanted to live in the first place i m so angry that i am forced to just exist because otherwise i d make people feel sad the joy i might feel for a few second once in a while doesn t make up for how much pain i go through daily none of this is fucking worth it and everyone who say it is is either lying to themselves or incredibly stupid

i hate it when people cheer me on or encourage me or anything uplifting at all it hard to believe that they are genuinely saying that and not just saying it out of pity and just to be nice for example when i wa younger i hated being cheered on during race or competition even though i wa so far behind it felt horrible miserable and i wa furious i felt like fighting whoever cheered me on whenever people try to say something uplifting it just seems like they are being nice if you are saying something just to be nice it mean it not true and they feel bad for u idk if this is a personal thing but i just wan na know if anybody else can relate

today wa a normal day i have started keep a to do list to tackle my depression it not always necessary for me to everything on that list provided i have some definite reason in my mind to not doing everything like okay i didn t cook today because the gas connection wasn t there also this list ha helped me with my medication a sometimes heavy dos make me feel forget to do small stuff but something s left from the list undone and i don t have any particular reason for that except spending extra time resting or etc i feel horrible and then a fear started to grow back of my head that if i don t keep with that list i will again fall in depression today after work i took some time off for myself then my boyfriend came over and we spent some quality time but it also made me let for cooking my dinner and a i planned to go for cycling after dinner now i am constantly feeling horrible for not striking off one job from my list and the absurd thing is i haven t even had my dinner yet so i am already freaking out about something which probably i will have time to do this whole situation is not only giving me anxiety without any concrete reason but also making me feel guilty for enjoying something that i love

hello just need some music to listen and spend time thank you

just booked to speak to my doctor about starting anti depressant i suffer from panic disorder agoraphobia developed from this depression and gad on a couple different thing at the moment but never had an ssri haven t been prescribed yet but zero doubt i will be i just wanted to see what people have experienced with these did they work for you did you face any unpleasant encounter with them any and all experience you are willing to share i would be grateful for i m just nervous about starting them my mind is quite foggy at the moment and it hard to get rid of my worry about them

the first dog that my family ever got recently started experiencing seizure we took her to the vet and we won t be able to find out what the problem is a it cost too much money she is suspected of having a brain tumor and her steroid medication seems to be working i just can t help but feel like there isn t much time left for her and i can t deal with just the thought of her dying all i know is that she ll be in a better place and that she will have lived an amazing and happy life but i m completely broken

i m just an armature idiot i m not a pro bodybuilder despite being diligent for over year in my training i m not a manager despite literally figuring out my current job from scratch and training everyone i m fucking short and pathetic and no one ever take me seriously i m not competent since i m a dumbass dropout and my depression and self loathe ha destroyed my social life how can i just go blip and never come back

over lockdown i started binge eating to get through it wa fucking fantastic i d just get unbelievably stoned and eat and then suddenly it s tomorrow i didn t have to deal with anything but i don t enjoy eating anymore i don t like food it suck and i m at work and i pig out just to try make myself feel better because i guess that s what i do and i felt horrible so i thought hey is a good a year a any to develop an eating disorder so i tried throwing up in the toilet and literally couldn t get anything up i just gagged and then i pull back and suddenly the cloud change and i m just bathed in sunlight kneeling on the floor of a bathroom and i just couldn t stop thinking of those prayer add that say try praying and couldn t stop laughing for like 0 minute i wanted to share because i think it s really funny but who tf am i telling this story to so you get it anyways now i feel spewy af and need a smoke hope you enjoyed xo

i ll go back to the beginning i started dating a girl i feel i really fell in love with it lasted only month but i really felt something for her there were a few time i asked to be intimate with her with the last time her telling me she thought she wa asexual i wa fine with that and wa trying my best to adapt she wasn t a touchy partner but my love language is touch whenever she asked to tone it down i did everything i could to tone it down though in hers and my whole friend group s eye i didn t try hard enough she broke up with me over text with a long paragraph not in person because our friend group probably told her i wa shaking from anxiety that morning i talked to a friend who wasn t in the friend group about what i knew wa going to happen the girlfriend got very upset with me about that but i felt like i couldn t talk to anybody about it without them telling the girlfriend about how scared i wa i admit talking to someone else instead of her wa wrong but i felt like if i talked to the girlfriend about how scared i wa of the break up it wa going to get worse she told me i made everyone uncomfortable that i don t listen or have boundary after reading that long break up paragraph i spiraled i ran somewhere the group wouldn t find me and i completely broke down it wa so bad that i wa taken to the hospital because of my thought of self harm and worse i lost that friend group that girlfriend a lot of people from that place there s only one person in that friend group that still talk to me and i think she s annoyed with how much i dream about everyone no one in the group talk about me anymore i wa easy to get rid of and easy to forget what suck more is that this isn t the first time this happened in that group i always knew that one wrong move and i wa next and then it actually happened i haven t been able to keep track of time or my own memory i haven t been sleeping well either too little or too much i ve been using pot a lot more than i had before and i m exhausted all day every day all i want is to die

i dont know what s wrong with me i live in the philippine and im a year old boy i used to be a honor student when we still had face to face class but we had online class for the past year and in my first year of online class i got lucky and passed but now i don t know what im doing anymore im not doing anything productive i don t know what s happening i can t do anything right i can t even force myself to eat or take a bath or get out of my room i haven t eaten for half a day and i just feel bad all the time i always have this bad feeling in my stomach everytime i get messaged by my teacher about my missing project and i do my everything to avoid it i don t know why but everytime i see something about school i get dizzy and i skip it immediately i can t even sleep anymore because everytime i sleep i get nightmare about not doing my schoolwork i dont know if im just overreacting or im just lazy but i hate this feeling so much the disappointment of my parent when they find out every semester that i always have missing schoolwork the feeling in my heart and stomach i would rather die everytime i feel it i just want to dissapear everynight wishing to not wake up anymore wishing that i dont have to wake up and have the exact same feeling i might be overreacting about this but i just really want someone to talk to it always ha a chain reaction of overthinking and it lead to my childhood trauma like how i got sexually assaulted by my cousin when i wa at the age of everytime i came to their house to play they would teach me inappropriate thing that lead me into being exposed to pornography at such a young age they made me do thing that pleasure them and i used to think that it wa just normal and something that friend do i still blame myself for not stopping them and that i didn t say no i have always hated myself i wanted to live someone else s life anyone but me i dont want to be myself anymore i just want to dissapear i hate this feeling but i don t know what it is

the number one reason i m severely depressed is the fact that i can never get a foothold in life i m like this powerful rocket on the launch pad that never take off rocket have phenomenal thrust potential but they need a team of people to actually allow it to succeed at what it wa built for i need friend i need family i need people to actually work with me i m year old and have yet to find a foothold to allow me to ascend the mountain for success i ve worked so hard i ve worked countless hour i ve dedicated my heart and soul to excellence i even started my own company a few year ago but a company can not simply run itself you need client investor and people that actually believe in what you re doing in order for that to reach it fully potential i have all this stored up explosive thrust yet no way to get any of it off the launch pad i can have all the desire integrity energy die hard spirit and tenacity however i can t do it alone in a world of untapped potential i feel absolutely isolated and alone i m incredibly intelligent and resourceful yet i m still broke financially and can t ever find a way to get a leg up it take more then one person to succeed i can t continue to give 000 while this world turn a cold shoulder to me and give nothing in return it doesn t and can t work that way so yeah i m depressed and teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown because life isn t working with me it s constantly working against me and to my ultimate demise

i think i am meant to die in obscurity i ve been working here for almost year and learned everything from scratch this company is just a mess yet i ve got nowhere else to go last year we had a new guy start and he ended up being my best friend i trained him we literally know everything about each other and we ve gotten close but one thing that bothered me wa that he s gotten two promotion not just small promotion i m talking management business partner promotion within le than month here i am who know the service center and struggling to keep our employee happy and training new people yet i keep getting overshadowed i ve given up on everything now it s clear to me that i personally don t matter anywhere i have to die so i can be reborn or just never be born agai into this pathetic life i m too nice and i m short and dropped out of college i m happy for him because i m such a nice guy and i know his story so i know it s not nepotism and he would be a great fit but so would i not even a freaking interview just to be a temporary solution for a permanent manager so why set yourself up for failure and use somoene who ha not been in this role in over minths and avoid the one person who took everything on and learned everybing from scratch and literally got a pay increase a year after because they diddint fucking realize i had worked for over 0 ymfycmi g year kill me nowjillmekillemememememenediediedeidekillme

i just can t i m too weak too pathetic too lazy too cowardly i m going to kill myself

i failed my behind the wheel test for the third time god know how many time i took and failed the written exam though i seem to be doing fine when i m driving with my husband i wonder if me and driving is not just meant to be i suck at everything

i just can t people and the thought of how i am uninteresting and awkward in social situation make me sick

i m just wondering if starting on antidepressant again after having taking a break is it still month i have to wait for them to kick in again i m assuming so but i wa also hoping maybe it d be sooner i ve been off fluoxetine for about a month or so i think it s hard to keep track and i feel like i m spiralling back into feeling hopeless kinda dream like where i can never keep up with everything i know i shouldn t have stopped but i m so forgetful and it wa so hard keeping up with staying on schedule with taking my med i m also thinking maybe i should ask my doctor about an adhd diagnosis i wa with a free service headspace with a clinician helping me with my mental health but i feel like they weren t helping me enough don t get me wrong i really really appreciate everything they did for me but it just felt so long getting answer between the session and i did try bringing these thing up to my clinician it wa kind of a toss up between me possibly having adhd or autism but since i m an adult and i live in a small town in australia there s no psychologist or anything who can formally diagnose me here we were doing zoom call with an actual psychologist at time but these were very long month apart and it felt like nothing wa happening he also couldn t tell me if it wa autism adhd since he didn t have the qualification it wa hard juggling the schedule with my job i had recently gotten and i kept forgetting to go to my appointment then i kept forgetting to take my med eventually i stopped going to headspace and wa no longer enrolled in their program i felt like i would be fine i could deal with it but i just can t i feel so damn isolated like i m on another plane of existence sometimes i struggle so much to keep up with everything i struggle so much to connect with people and communicate genuinely without having to mask or act i just don t know what to do since the only other way i can get a proper diagnosis is going to the nearest big city and paying a lot of money for that diagnosis it s 00 for a doctor to tell me if i have autism or not and i don t even know how to go about the adhd diagnosis another 00 for the flight and accommodation too should i try and save money for the diagnosis i feel like my friend and family dismiss me so much about my mental health too they make me feel so doubtful like i d be wasting money like i d go over there and i d be told nothing is wrong with me i can save the money but i m afraid of my friend and family being right about this sort of thing

i haven t had a mental breakdown in a while because i m practicing to not let thing get to me a much a i did before now a day i ve been feeling sad not wanting to talk to people getting angry and cry i cried for about day now and i don t know how to get back to normal i m scared that i might go back in my black hole and that would be terrible because i don t think i can stop the thought if they yell loud enough i m scared because i might fall back and listen it s miserable in the black hole honestly i ve been pushing so hard in 0 i just want someone tell me that they are proud of me and to keep pushing please if you re a father please note that you are because i would love to hear it from a dad father s are their daughter first love but not in my case so please help me out

i didn t do the best in school i doubt i ll have any success i hate blaming it on other thing but i wa homeless for a little while and constantly on the edge of being homeless and i knew it i wa physically abused and have ptsd because of it i ve struggled with substance abuse i m just feeling like i ve already messed up and i don t even have good memory of my childhood i don t know what to do i m only 9 and i m just over it all i don t see it getting better im closed off from my friend and family i barely see them im just so lost mentally

depressed college student checking in i literally get 9 hour of sleep every single night i dont drink or abuse substance and am in good shape for the love of god i can not get my as out of bed i seriously cant im having really poor attendance issue becayse of this i hate what i do i see no point in all of this struggle to just fuckin exist all this hell i go thru debt stress and burnout is all so i can have a chance at a shit show 9 job my school love to make life unnecessarily hard to keep student from graduatin on time so they can suck more ane more from u getting out of bed is my biggest challenge it all full circle im depressed i dont like what i do and i dont feel that what im doing is effective i m anxious about my future and dont know what to do about it all i look forward to doing is sleeping eating is a chore showering is a chore being awake is a hassle the cost of existance ha won it beat the life outta me

i m and my doctor diagnosed me with anxiety yesterday meanwhile my mom doesn t leave any chance to make me feel inferior keep barking the world would be a mess if there will be more like you thank god i didn t have another child are some common term i hear everyday but let s skip that i workout almost everyday and took a day break due to a minor injury while bench pressing but now i m just not feeling ok i worked out today and my forearm got so fatigued that i could do nothing so i started with ab again nothing then leg stretching again nothing i m tired of myself i couldn t even tell the doctor what s happening with me i m hitting myself of anger i m shouting i m throwing the weight here and there and what not i ve been feeling really off and am feeling weird my chest is heavy my throat is heavy im not able to cry i m not able to do anything

i am 0 trying to achieve my goal but i stay on bed doing nothing for several month i live alone and feel loneliness all the time i want somebody to get motivated together on daily basis to overcome our problem

i usually brush it off with excuse but it s time to be honest with myself i m actively in a depression episode feeling like cry constantly and it s exhausting to do anything no interest in living just existing and my med aren t working for it so here i am depressed and feeling stuck

i passed the part where the withdrawal made me feel crap i m slowly becoming the person i wa before med but i really didn t miss it my insecurity is the highest it s ever been in year i ve been ignoring school i ve gained weight there is always this sound in my head saying no one actually want me my usual cheerful self feel forced now it s weird how the feeling i had for year can feel so foreign i don t know a long a my family doesn t know about it it s okay i guess

i m tired of trying but sadly i m insistent or maybe i never actually tryed something im alone since ever i ve never had friend or someone special never dated anything the only relationship that wa all the time on my head wa the one with myself or maybe how much this relation wa needed and it feel the same about having a family i think of leaving them and start living for me and my own and only life for literally the first time im going to a therapist now it took me long and hurtful year to accomplish this im really proud of me for taking this step alone and even hyped kinda faithful but honestly i ll never recover around my family and that suck cause i don t have money yet and not even a job im not able to work thanks to depression my family pay my shit and make sure to remember me this every day that s my biggest shame but on the inside i know that i can t do that for me now but the feeling that i m a total waste of life will never fade away cause i never did it i never lived but i saw too much i have so many me on me that i don t know which one is the actual me i believe i m still a child year when my first trauma happened there s no memory from moment before or after this age only from my emotion and fear and it s scary af cause they re all fear of a little girl it s all the same cold not sure of anything but know a lot not alive enough to feel but feeling too much at the same time and i m the same girl alone scared and sad willing for help but with no one to ask besides me been living through other age and others version of myself every one with their personality and the y me me living the alternative story that in the end is probably another part of another time of my existence but i m lost on who or what i am i m still scared from the bad today the bad from inside that s the worst one growing in silence causing confusion and suffering turned myself into a monster to protect me but made me forever guilty for losing my own respect dangerous in all the scariest is that the real cunning and devious danger is inside i still wonder when i ll get home even though i have no idea of where or what home is or feel like

so why do i still feel so depressed i survived a horrible brain injury twice i did well in school and went to college and earned a degree i found love and got engaged i attended again and got a second degree i m working in the field i wanted to in the speciality that i love i have friend and family who love me i do the thing that i enjoy doing i feel hopeless i feel worn out i am bored with life at only i feel pessimistic i feel depressed doe anyone else feel like they ve done all the right thing followed all the right step and are still depressed i know this process take time but it s hard to feel motivated to continue trying when for almost eleven year nothing i m doing is helping

the only time i enjoy this life is when i m next to my laptop but i cant stare at it for ever i m always uncomfortable outside my room it s the only safe place i have been told to face reality many time before and when i do i always end up worrying others with my mental state so this time i think i ll face reality head first and i m sure some of them will be sad i know people care for me but i don t care about myself but i care them so by doing this im just helping them long term right im sorry for hurting confusing etc others i never meant to

i feel so tired so exhausted i sleep most of the day away and have no reason to get up thing are hard and my life is in a bad spot on one had i feel like i wan na let go and let the tear flow but on the other hand i just feel so empty and they don t even wan na come out i just sit here staring at the same spot in the wall with no drive to do anything anymore i m not sure the anti depressents are even helping me much anymore they re gon na run out soon anyways because of some bullshit with my insurance that s nice i just feel like i need to get out get some where far away and if i don t soon thing are gon na end badly i have nightmare about my emotional support animal dying still it s so hard to get over it my friend keep checking in on me because i m not active and say it s fine and i can vent but i feel i m letting them down i don t even drink to escape and feel like i can t anyways because an abusive drunk father i had got violent when he did and i m scared of ending up like him this is a vent post so i don t expect any reply out of it i just really needed to let this out and i obviously couldn t tell a therapist because i d just be put in a damn hospital and billed out of my as for it

recently i anonymously posted on my uni facebook page just to vent about my constant self doubt and how i struggle to do well in the course i want to succeed in because it s a dream job you can post anything there a long a it s uni related most comment were nice but this one absolutely unnecessary comment told me i should give up and how it s unfair that i m taking up space for others who will do better in my course like huh i know what they said is so off track and i should 00 ignore it cu they re a fking loser who know nothing about everything but i can t help but have it repeated in my head because i already have such a lack of self confidence in my skill and i genuinely believe that i m not cut out for it but i know damn well that i m trying what i can to achieve a goal despite everything around me but yeah needed to let this out i can t believe people like him exist it wasn t even just my post he shat on everyone else who wa struggling with uni how sad can your life be to do that

i wqs wondering after i remember myself trying lot of med im currently on risperidona 0mg and it working like a charm what dose do you guy use of your med and what type of med for profound psychotic depression

why there is psychosis in profound depression whats the chemical explanation

amp x 00b how do u deal with the loneliness when living alone how do u engage yourself who do u talk to i literally crave some human being to talk to but have only few friend

my parent recorded a great deal of my early childhood so there is a lot of footage of me when i wa very young i used to be the most innocent and carefree little boy who never even once thought about what others thought about him or the way he looked i never cared about being lonely it wa just me with me and my mom and dad and i wa the happiest kid in the world the smallest thing made me smile year later i am now miserable and wishing i wa dead i barely even speak to my parent anymore and i push away and resent everybody around me my parent are heartbroken by the fact that i don t speak to anyone i m horrified by how shit my life ha become and how terrible of a person i am now due to my own mental health deteriorating beyond control i had so many friend a year ago but all i do is push people away and be a burden seeing what i used to be and comparing it to what i am now make me want to cry every time i see a little kid being happy and innocent i wish so badly that i never grew up and i could have remained a happy little boy forever

i can not change the bad in me i feel hopeless i do not want to hurt i always want to make the best out of the worst i do not want to hurt

i just got another thing i have to look out and care for overcame the college exam and finally found one more freelance deal to keep me fed anyway job got cancelled because of covid 9 but it s an online tutoring what doe it ha to do with covid i m doing all i can with every option i have i work consistently but why doe it always have to be so one sided i have day left with only little money enough for a single meal until i may get the chance to work there are phone and landline bill which i wouldn t be able to work without yet still unpaid because college say fuck you and pay u or we kick you out because i didn t have enough to enroll for this term why why why i want to die but i can t i don t want to make people i care about sad but this is not fair

hello stranger this is just a vent post so i ll try to be thorough if i m going to suffer on account of my own bad decision i might a well try to get some upvotes out of it he blocked me on his snapchat although i have thought about reaching out and trying to patch thing up via other texting apps i m pretty sure he s done with me i need to mention that we weren t technically dating and i ve only been together with him about a month you wan na know the best part i wa the one who actually hurt him i can t even claim to be the victim here every shitty emotion currently pinning me down is 00 deserved all because i wa having a bad day and decided to smother my emotion in the company of another dude it wa only a month nothing ha really changed in my life i m still 9 year old i m still going to college i m still not attending class and i m still just a shitty a i wa before someone asked me once where i wan na be in five year if i m lucky my the time i m twenty four i ll be long dead i ve been thinking about ending my life almost every day i don t really see a way out of this endless cycle of bad emotion i m just scared that i m too much of a coward to go through with it i guess i want to know if it get better i want someone to tell me that i m not too far gone and there s still hope for me even if i don t believe it myself

just completely drained of all impulse feel like my body is a big doll and it just leaked all it air and i m just completely deflated i sold out gave up on my belief i wasted my young year loving someone who doesn t love me gave in to every compulsion and spent my year a a sidekick a a passerby a a ghost i don t even feel like dying or living or anything i m just deflated dissaociated i feel like i m just the memory that my body have and those memory are all terrible or associated with terribleness like i m stuck in a dark room and can only hear the same stupid dumb anticlimactic story over and over and over again there is no point or reason or value or meaning to anything i honestly don t understand how ppl can walk in city and think this urban hell is real we live in a horrible dystopian hell

i once had some talent look charm and a sense of the endless possibility of life and existence but i blew it all with terrible decision now i stand here with head bowed beaten destroyed the oyster is rotten

for long in a while i hit a down again and that come with a lot of thinking like last time when i felt like that i distanced myself from my friend and they didn t even bother to ask me what is wrong with me i m an really introverted person but ask them all the time how they are doing and offer them my support i ask myself when they would if they start to ask themselves where i am if i would just dissappear without saying anything i can t believe i am posting in this sub again but i don t know who to tell stuff like this

so i came out of clinical depression like month ago i wa never on med i somehow used affirmation and mental exercise however today when i still see people battling mental illness and not address it and be in this successful relationship in front of the world and them coming to me with their relationship issue which point back to their mental health i find this so ironic and make me feel stupid for healing completely cause in this world we live in a healed person is punished with solitude and a person who is goin thru their trauma ha support from someone or something i don t even know what this cycle mean i just wan na know and be for someone out there

i am not sure if this is the right place for it but last friday one of my classmate told me jokingly to jump out of a window she ha been doing that joke for over a month i ve had it up to here so i said i d blow my head off on the weekend i tried to hurt myself and went to the emergency room on monday they prescribed me some lexapro and i went home relieved that i finally got some help half an hour after i returned home cop stormed my apartment saying they received a hint from the school that i wa gon na hurt myself and they searched my whole apartment for a gun which i don t have so they obv didn t find one and restrained me they then took me to the same hospital i wa at just half an hour ago and i spoke to the psychiatrist there again who told the police i am not a threat to myself or someone else so they let me go again during that they took my phone and it ran out of battery and i didn t have access to it for like hour or more during that time two of my classmate messaged me asking why i blocked them and they attacked me not knowing my phone ran out of battery and that s why i didn t answer they then blocked me and i explained to them on instagram what happened and they read it but didn t care apparently my classmate apparently told our headmaster they were worried and then he called the police i am getting the proper help from all of my teacher and my headmaster and i have an appointment with our school psychiatrist soon it s just that this whole police incident ha left me panicking and cry when i see a police officer car and everytime someone with heavy boot walk on my apartment floor i sit up thinking the police will come back again i also can t sleep properly and can t distract myself because i keep having horrible flashback of the scene when the police stormed in which leaf me breaking down it left me broken traumatized overwhelmed and desperate because i don t know what to do on top of that my classmate all blocked me are ignoring me and not even looking at me talking about being worried and not even one person asked me if i wa alright or how i wa doing i am considering going back to the emergency room and talking to the same psychiatrist from before but it s not really an emergency you know sorry if this text is long i am just overwhelmed and don t know what to do anymore all i know is i am traumatized a fuck and broken what should i do someone please assure me that everything is gon na be okay because at this point all my hope ha left me

everyone say it get better i have wanted to kill myself since i m now and i wish i had done it then i wish i wa brave back then because thing are only worse now

i have already had a bad start to my day i wa in a car line about to drop off my daughter and my foot accidentally left the pedal and i bumped into the car in front absolutely no damage or scratch left she come out immediately saying you stupid bitch n a bunch of profanity at me i have my kid in the car under yo and i m pregnant so i avoid all confrontation plus she s threatening to put her hand on me the cop come they give her my insurance info and a of now she ha already filed a claim with them the only thing i m stressing about is telling my husband he s so emotionally abusive and it just suck it wa an accident and i know he s going to talk mess to me i just wished i had a more supportive husband by my side i ve already had a bad day i ve already had enough emotional abuse at the hand of my mother and sometimes i feel like he s worse and i just can t continue living like this any longer he won t let me divorce him either i can only imagine the custody battle he will drag me through i have no job and no where to go no one to lean on i m just feel so stuck even if i did leave he physically won t let me leave with my kid and if i leave when he s not here i ll be scared of the threat

even the most basic task are super difficult to do this is most likely going to be my final week on this shitty planet and it s most certainly going to be my final post

i am year old and i have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depressive problem since i wa i have no one i don t have anyone to talk to when i have a problem my family it s not even that they don t want to help me it s that they don t want to listen to me they have even blamed me for part of their problem my father tried to kill himself over 0 year ago when i wa little and i have always been afraid that he would do it again a few year ago i wa very bad and my father told me that when he saw me like that he wanted to crash the car into a wall how could i share my problem in such a situation i do not have friend i may have had at some point year ago but never particularly close and the one who wa closest to me when he found out about my problem he started to distance himself from me apart from telling many more people what i told him in private i have no one to vent to no family or friend i left my psychologist to whom i paid 0 euro per session because she came to call me selfish for being depressed and not being in the same situation a a beggar a cancer patient or a person from ukraine this last one seemed totally outrageous to me i do not know what to do i m sick all day no one to vent to or talk about anything just my medication that doesn t work for me lately and so with year i can t get any better just survive day to day

i feel the need of depending on people for me to feel better and more comfortable but i don t think that s the right way to go but at the same time i m not even sure how i could better myself on my own it s probably the most difficult thing i m doing and i just feel really nervous right now and i hate that i sleep so late it s honestly bugging me and affecting me so much i just want someone who truly care about me to say i ll do alright that i ll find a way to overcome this it feel uncomfortable to cry at time i can t even do it really anymore it just last a few second and then my state of mind change and my brain just go through these phase of different feeling im not sure what i m gon na do tonight but i guess the only thing i can do is be on my phone and just have this pain in my chest last till i pas out

this week hasn t been any short of just sad i sprained my ankle on sunday and have been using crutch because of it i m on my college campus so getting to class ha been super difficult my ex and i went no contact on sunday and i ve just been cry over that so much because i still am very much in love with them and miss them so much over the past couple of week i ve been rejected from at least 0 job i wa waiting to hear back from this summer internship position yesterday i put my heart and soul into the application other people have received their acceptance email around 0pm last night but i have yet to hear anything and because they said they d reach out to u yesterday if we got accepted i can just assume that i didn t get the position that just feel like the straw that broke the camel back there hasn t been an hour within the past couple day where i haven t cried i just feel so hopeless and so alone i feel myself slipping back into depression and it suck so much i just don t feel like there s anything i can do atp

this past year ha been my get out of hand year i normally handle my depression well i know what trigger low point i know how to get myself out of my funk i know how to manage it but this year oh this year ha beat the ever loving shit out of my mental health i had a baby and got ppd really bad i have ptsd from being in a horrible accident with my best friend and having him literally die while i wa trying my hardest to stop the bleeding and the anniversary of his death is coming up on the st the only person i ever would talk about it with wa our friend sarah who wa dating his brother and she really took me in and helped me the week following his death i had started drinking heavily and just being wreck le and not caring if anything happened to me she wa the biggest ball of sunshine and positive person i had ever met and she killed herself last month i didn t even know she wa depressed so my mind is a wreck right now she wa my positive person my rock and she couldn t handle her sadness and took her own life and i feel even more horrible because how selfish wa it of me to not see that she wasn t okay i have cried every day for two week i am angry and hostile and don t want to be around anyone i don t even want to me around my own kid my mom temporarily moved in for the next couple of week because of how bad i wa getting my neighbor are even texting me asking if i m okay and i have hit the point where i don t even try faking it i just say no no i m not okay

i couldn t take the pain anymore so i locked up my emotion and feeling and when i have to interact with others i fake it i know that when i let them back in it s going to be catastrophic but i need it being on ice feel good every now and then what scare me is that when i wa little i used to do it without realizing it for week at a time and i didn t know how to get out of it now i check myself from time to time to see what state i m in and whether it s time to get out of it or not i think i ll stay in the ice for week i think

it s one thing to feel bad mentally but when i m constantly feeling physically ill a well it make trying to get myself to do positive thing so much harder i can never just feel okay not mentally or physically always in some sort of pain and always feeling like shit then when you ask for help you just get out on a month waiting list