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24 (TV series)

4:00pm - 5:00pm [2.09]

Nina: Drop it, Jack. I SAID, DROP IT! I DON'T WANNA SHOOT YOU JUST YET, BUT I WILL IF I HAVE TO!!! (to the rest of the CTU officers) STAND DOWN! STAND DOWN OR HE'S DEAD!!!

Jack

STAND DOWN!!! SHE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN LEAD US TO THE BOMB!!!

24 (TV series)

4:00pm - 5:00pm [2.09]

[Nina has taken Jack hostage and is going to kill him.] Nina: This isn't how you thought it would end, is it, Jack?

Jack

This isn't over yet.

24 (TV series)

5:00pm - 6:00pm [2.10]

[on her betraying CTU] Nina: It didn't have to be like this, Jack. I never meant for this to be personal. Jack: It felt pretty personal when you killed my wife. Nina: I had to. Teri overheard something that compromised my escape route. Jack: What about bombing CTU? All those people you used to work with? Nina: I didn't bomb CTU, I just sold the plans. Jack: You believe what you have to, Nina, but you killed your friends.

Nina

SHUT UP, JACK! SHUT UP!

24 (TV series)

5:00pm - 6:00pm [2.10]

[Jack is backing away from Nina, who is threatening to kill him] Jack: You kill me before they verify the information you gave 'em, you'll be in violation of your agreement and they'll slap your ass back in jail. Nina: And you'll be dead.

Jack

I'm already dead.

24 (TV series)

9:00pm - 10:00pm [2.14]

Marie Warner: I am going to help you. I'm going to help you stop being a part of the problem. Kate Warner: So it's OK with you if Dad and I die today? Marie Warner: I killed Reza...and I loved him. Why would I care about you and Dad?

Kate Warner

Because we love you.

24 (TV series)

10:00pm - 11:00pm [2.15]

George Mason: Service is bad enough on this plane, you don't have to shoot me. Jack: What are you doing on this plane?

George Mason

Felt like taking a ride.

24 (TV series)

11:00pm - 0:00am [2.16]

Yusuf Auda: I'm supposed to update my home office right now, but I have nothing to report, except that I've been excluded from this investigation since I arrived

Tony

Look, I'll tell you what I can. You can call your home office and tell them whatever you want [...]

24 (TV series)

2:00am - 3:00am [2.19]

Peter Kingsley: Look, I need the chip, so let's not be pigs here. You tell Ronnie where the chip is, I authorize a large sumlarge enough to compensate any kind of guilt you might feel about this. Jack: It's not for sale. Kingsley: If someone wants to buy it, it's for sale. Jack: How can you justify starting a war to profit from the outcome? Kingsley: We're just controlling the chaos, that's all. Jack: No, you're causing it. Kingsley: Let's not waste any time trying to bridge each other's differences. There's only one thing we need to agree ona price. Jack: I already gave you my answer.

Kingsley

When Ronnie's finished working on you, you'll give me another.

24 (TV series)

7:00am - 8:00am [2.24]

Ryan Chappelle: So...what's up, my friend?

Tony

Well, um...it's like this. Either fire me...or get out of my chair.

24 (TV series)

1:00pm - 2:00pm [3.01]

Michelle Dessler: I'll go anywhere with you...as long as I don't have to cook.

Tony

Sweetheart, if you promise not to cook, I will take you with me anywhere.

24 (TV series)

2:00 p.m. – 3:00 p.m [3.02]

Jack: What the hell do you know? My wife died because of this job. I almost lost Kim too. I'm not going to let that happen again. I will do everything I have to, to protect her. Do you understand me? Everything! Damn it Chase, you can not have a normal life and do this job at the same time. Chase: So you're saying I shouldn't have a relationship with anyone?

Jack

That's exactly what I'm saying... especially with my daughter.

24 (TV series)

7:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m. [3.07]

Gael: Don't get in my way, Michelle!

Michelle

External security is already in position, you're not going anywhere. You take one step outside, you know exactly what will happen.

24 (TV series)

8:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. [3.08]

Chappelle: I'm not so sure this is gonna work out well for you, Almeida. Tony: Maybe not, but right now I gotta help Jack get this virus and I don't need you looking over my shoulder, alright? Chappelle: You work for me. You don't give orders; you take them.

Tony

Yeah, except the president put me in charge of this particular operation. Now, if you object, give him a call. I may be wrong, but I didn't get the impression that he's in the mood for any bureaucratic squabbling today.

24 (TV series)

10:00pm – 11:00pm [3.10]

Nina: You really did break Salazar out of prison. Jack: I'm not the man you knew before. Nina: Well, I don't know about that. [Nina begins to caress Jack.] Nina: But for 20 million dollars, I'm gonna keep an open mind. So, Jack...if we're gonna go forward with this, I have to know one thing. Are you gonna be able to forgive me for killing Teri? Jack: If I wanted revenge, Nina, I would have killed you already. You know that. It's like I said, I just want to finish this deal and disappear for good.

Nina

Convince me.

24 (TV series)

2:00am – 3:00am [3.14]

Tony: [While interrogating Nina, he tells her about Alvers' medical history] Being treated for a knee injury, treated for HIV. [In the other room, they could tell Nina's pulse raise slightly upon hearing Alvers' HIV treatment] Michelle: [Talking to Tony over comm] It is likely Nina had sex with Alvers.

Tony

Now see Nina, my collegues in the other room has just informed me that there is something in Alvers' file that, concerns you. I'm guessing it's not the knee.

24 (TV series)

3:00am – 4:00am [3.15]

Amador: You betrayed me, Jack. You were with CTU all along.

Jack

That's right, Amador. You betrayed me, too. I'm just better at it than you.

24 (TV series)

5:00am – 6:00am [3.17]

Stephen: Mr. President? David: Yes. Stephen: It's time for your first assignment. A very simple one, but one necessary to our future relationship. David: We don't have a relationship.

Stephan

No, you don't negotiate with terrorists. Well, I don't negotiate with heads of state, so just do what you're told.

24 (TV series)

6:00am – 7:00am [3.18]

Jack: The only thing you need to know is that I need these files decrypted now. Chloe: Well, I'm doing my very best. Your tone of voice is not exactly a morale booster.

Jack

(exasperated) Chloe, please just do it!

24 (TV series)

7:00am – 8:00am [3.19]

Jack: You and I have been doing this long enough to know that there is no such thing as a meaningless lie. How are you involved in this? Tony: You're not making any sense, Jack. That intel was good. Without it you'd have never been in the white house to save the President. Jack: What is your involvement? Tony: You're not thinking straight. Jack: How were you shot? Does Galvez even have a second man or was it just you? Tony: Just stop and listen to what you're saying. It's insane. It's paranoia. Now, why don't you put the gun down? Jack: Don't you move!

Tony

The toxin is starting to affect your judgement. That's what's happening. You can see that, right? Is this what you're looking for? I never wanted to hurt you, Jack. I told you to stay out of it. But you wouldn't listen, would you?

24 (TV series)

10:00am – 11:00am [3.22]

Tony: My God Jack, didn't you learn anything from what happened to Teri? Jack: (pushing him away) SHUT UP, TONY! Shut up!

Tony

Just because you sacrificed your wife for this job doesn't mean I'm gonna sacrifice mine!

24 (TV series)

11:00am – 12:00pm [3.23]

Jack: Take a look at your handiwork, Stephen. WHOLE FAMILIES! Stephen: Sometimes a fire needs to be lit to put out another fire.

Jack

I don't need to hear your justification, Stephen. This is over!

24 (TV series)

11:00am – 12:00pm [3.23]

Stephen: Let her go! Do as I say now, Jack!

Jack

When your daughter is infected, I'm gonna make you watch her die.

24 (TV series)

7:00am - 8:00am [4.01]

Jack: What is happening at eight o'clock?! I am not messing with you. [He flips the table.] Jack: You are going to tell me what is happening at eight o'clock! [He shoots Sherek's leg.] Jack: What is your primary objective?! What is your primary objective?! Sherek: Secretary of Defense!

Jack

Secretary Heller? Secretary Heller's the target! Call Secret Service now!

24 (TV series)

2:00pm - 3:00pm [4.08]

Audrey: Look. We were fighting for our lives a few minutes ago, and if it hadn't been for Tony, we would've been dead. Now I've been through a lot today, and I'm sure, when this is all over, your boss will understand. Jen Slater: And if he doesn't? Audrey: [deadpan] I can have him killed. [They both grin.]

Jen Slater

Knock yourself out.

24 (TV series)

2:00pm - 3:00pm [4.08]

Henry Powell: Who are you guys? Police? FBI?

Tony

Actually, I'm currently unemployed.

24 (TV series)

7:00am - 8:00am [5.01]

[First Lady Martha Logan stands before a bathroom sink, dismayed.]

Martha Logan

I look like a wedding cake.

24 (TV series)

8:00am - 9:00am [5.02]

[In a van, Derek watches nervously as Jack moves to incapacitate an FBI agent.]

Chloe

Relax. He's really good at this.

24 (TV series)

1:00pm - 2:00pm [5.07]

[President Logan lays into Cummings about his botched entrapment of Russian separtist terrorists.] Walt Cummings: Oh, you make it sound like our goal was to kill Americans! Charles Logan: What the hell was your goal, Walt?! Explain that to me! Walt Cummings: I'm a patriot, s Mr. President. We were acting in the best interest of this country. Charles Logan: How is any of this in our best interest?

Walt Cummings

Shoring up a-a strategic partner in the war on terror? Ensuring a stable flow of oil? How is any of that not in our national interest?

24 (TV series)

4:00pm - 5:00pm [5.10]

[Martha has hung up on Logan after refusing to get out of the Suvarovs' limousine. Logan argues with Mike.] Charles Logan: What am I missing, Mike?! T-t-t-there's gotta be some way out, something that I'm not seeing. Mike Novick: You are not missing anything. Any action we take to save Martha would save the Suvarovs. And if that happens, the terrorists will release the gas. Unfortunately, it's that simple.

Charles Logan

And there's nothing we can do, right? Unless I warn them... Martha's going to die with the Suvarovs.

24 (TV series)

4:00pm - 5:00pm [5.10]

[In CTU, Carrie is on the phone.] Carrie Bendis: Understood. Those protocols should be coming over shortly. Caller: Okay. [Carrie hangs up. Lynn comes over.] Lynn McGill: Who were you on the phone with? Carrie Bendis: Homeland Security. Lynn McGill: I gave you specific orders to have everyone's system mirrored to mine. Carrie Bendis: I've been doing that. Lynn McGill: But you're not finished, yet somehow you have time to chat with Homeland Security. Carrie Bendis: They needed us to give them updated codesets. It'll just take another minute. Lynn McGill: No, it won't. Stiles, finish her task. Carrie, you're done. Carrie Bendis: What do you mean, "done"? Lynn McGill: Fired! You don't work here anymore. Edgar Stiles: Mr. McGill, it's not her fault. She's just

Lynn McGill

Edgar, one more word out of you, you walk out with her. What's it gonna be?

24 (TV series)

4:00pm - 5:00pm [5.10]

[Still on the warpath, Lynn finds Chloe assisting Audrey in the server room.] Lynn McGill: Chloe! Wat are you doing in here? Audrey: I asked her to help me. Lynn McGill: She doesn't work for you, Ms. Raines. She works for me. Audrey: But I don't, and DoD has assignment priority over CTU. Lynn McGill: We're in the middle of a real-time investigation, and we're understaffed. Chloe is a department head. You can't just take her away from me. Audrey: I'm not taking her away from you. We needed a system patch on the server, and Chloe's the only one who can fix it! Lynn McGill: Well, then you come to me, and you ask me. Everything in this office runs through me! Audrey: Lynn, we are all trying to do the same thing! Can you please just get pass this? Lynn McGill: Yeah, I'm past it. I want Chloe back.

Chloe

Okay. I'm finished here. Sorry, Mr. McGill it won't happen again.

24 (TV series)

7:00pm - 8:00pm [5.13]

[On the phone as he runs to Medical, Jack tells Tony not to kill Christopher Henderson.] Jack: You don't want to do this! It's not gonna bring back Michelle! Tony: No. But I'll feel better. Jack: Trust me, you won't!

Tony

You're probably right. I'll let you know.

24 (TV series)

8:00pm - 9:00pm [5.14]

Theo: I'm here by permission of your government, you can't touch me.

Jack

Right, we'll see about that!

24 (TV series)

8:00pm - 9:00pm [5.14]

Jack: Theo, it's . I'm sorry. Theo: We had a deal. Jack: When this is all over I promise you I will help you rebuild your investigation. I give you my word.

Theo

I had your word, now I know what it's worth.

24 (TV series)

9:00pm - 10:00pm [5.15]

[Jack pulls a gun on Collette Stenger after finding she framed Audrey at Henderson's advice.]

Jack

He's using you. He wanted you to get inside my head. And it worked. And now I'm... upset.

24 (TV series)

9:00pm - 10:00pm [5.15]

[After the shootout at the gas plant] Jack: Curtis, the Sentox is already in the system. Who's in charge here? [Sam the foreman raises his hand] Jack: Listen to me. You have Sentox nerve gas running through your pipelines. Can you shut down the pumps? Sam: By the time we power down, gas will be in the main tanks and it's out into the city. Jack: I need the closest pipeline that feeds those tanks. Sam: Just out the door, to your left. It'll have a red arrow on it. Jack: [to Curtis] Get me C4 and a timer, get these people out of here. Buchanan: Jack, what are you doing?

Jack

In order to deliver the Sentox it had to mix with natural gas. If we can ignite that gas before it leaves the plant, the Sentox will be incinerated. Bill, this is the last chance we've got to stop this threat.

24 (TV series)

9:00pm - 10:00pm [5.15]

[Jack has just been caught in an explosion and sees Bierko escaping] Jack: Curtis, I've got a visual on Bierko! Curtis: Jack, you don't have time before the main tanks explode.

Jack

Right now, he's our only connection to Henderson!

24 (TV series)

12:00am - 1:00 am [5.18]

[Arrested for helping Jack, Chloe insists that Jack did not kill David Palmer.]

Miles Papazian

He's a federal fugitive wanted for the murder of a former President. Which means you're going to jail, O'Brian. For a long time.

24 (TV series)

2:00am - 3:00am [5.20]

Miles Papazian: What's Bauer doing on Flight 520?

Buchanan

You have no idea what you're dealing with, you little ass-kisser.

24 (TV series)

4:00am - 5:00am [5.22]

[Bloodied and tied to a chair, Secret Service agent Aaron Pierce listens to Logan's attempt to bribe him to silence.] Charles Logan: Are my terms acceptable?

Aaron Pierce

There is nothing you have said or done that is acceptable to me in the least. You're a traitor to this country and a disgrace to your office. And it's my duty to see that you're brought to justice for what you've done. Is there anything else... Charles?

24 (TV series)

6:00am - 7:00am [5.24]

[On Marine One, with President Logan in the back, Bauer pulls a gun on the other pilot.]

Jack

Captain. I can fly this thing if I have to, which leaves you with one of two choices. You either do what I say and you live, or you don't and you die for nothing. You understand me?

24 (TV series)

6:00am - 7:00am [5.24]

[A stony-faced, silent Jack holds Logan isolated on Marine One.]

Charles Logan

What are you trying to do, Jack? Whatever it is, you know you won't get away with it! Are you going to kill me? I suppose you want some sort of revenge. I understand that. Bad things happened. I didn't want them to happen. People who work for me, they-they-they went too far, they did things I thought I wanted them to do, but they were wrong! You have to understand, I have always acted in the country's best interest. But you're just trying to get even. Do you realize what effect this will have on the American people?! This day has been trying enough! And now the President is being attacked. If you want to do what's right, you will turn this thing around, and go back. Damn it, Bauer, say something!

24 (TV series)

6:00am - 7:00am [5.24]

[In the abandoned building, Jack sits down before a defiant Logan.]

Jack

A year and a half ago, I was warned that my life was in danger, by someone within the government. I was told the only way I could stay alive was to create the illusion that I was dead. I was forced to deceive people that I loved. My only daughter will never forgive me. As I see the depth of your corruption unfold, I have no doubt that you are that source of danger. David Palmer was a great man, and he was a great President! But he was also my friend. He tried to warn me about you and now he is dead. Other people tried to help me, and they are dead, too. So Mr. Logan, I hope you understand... I have absolutely nothing to lose. You are going to be held accountable for your part of everything that happened today. You are not going to be able to hide behind the Presidency right here, right now, you are going to face justice! And make no mistake about this, this is personal. And if you think for a second that I am scared to put a bullet in your brain, you don't know me. I am going to ask you one last time. Who are your co-conspirators? You have until the count of three, or I will kill you.

24 (TV series)

6:00am - 7:00am [5.24]

[Charles follows Martha into the airfield hangar. In private, he slaps her and frisks her for a wire.]

Charles Logan

You said that I was a good liar? But I am nothing compared to you.

24 (TV series)

6:00am - 7:00am [5.24]

[Jack's kidnappers drag him through a dark enclosed space with hanging chains. Chinese operative Cheng Zhi appears.] Cheng Zhi: You surely must be aware, Mr. Bauer, that China has a long memory. Only 18 months ago, you invaded our territory and killed our consul. Did you really think that we would forget? Hmm? Jack: [gasping] I know how this works. I need to make one phone call. Please. Just one phone call. [After a moment of silence, Jack spits at Cheng. The men drop him to the ground.] Jack: Kill me. Just... kill me.

Cheng Zhi

Kill you? You're far too valuable to kill, Mr. Bauer.

24 (TV series)

6:00am - 7:00am [6.01]

Jack: Audrey? Bill Buchanan: Audrey doesn't know you're back. Jack: My daughter? Bill Buchanan: Kim doesn't know, either.

Jack

You keep it that way.

24 (TV series)

6:00am - 7:00am [6.01]

[President Wayne Palmer talks to Jack before he's handed over to Abu Fayed.]

Jack

I understand what's expected of me, Mr. President.

24 (TV series)

6:00am - 7:00am [6.01]

[Per Fayed's instructions, Buchanan and Curtis prepare to leave Jack chained to a water system grate.] Buchanan: I don't know what to say, Jack.

Jack

Do you understand the difference between dying for something and dying for nothing? The only reason I fought so hard to stay alive in China was because I didn't want to die for nothing. Today, I can die for something. My way, my choice. To be honest with you, it'll be a relief.

24 (TV series)

6:00am - 7:00am [6.01]

[Buchanan is livid over Chloe's rogue attempt to track Jack, jeopardizing the deal.]

Buchanan

Don't think you're the only one mourning Jack; you're not.

24 (TV series)

7:00am - 8:00am [6.02]

[As Omar begs through his pain, Jack pulls back from his brutal interrogation.] Assad: Why'd you stop? Jack: I can see it in his eyes. He's not going to tell us anything. [Jack walks off, but Assad grabs a knife and resumes the torture.] Assad: Where is Fayed? Omar: I know where some of his men are going to be! [Beat. Assad is alarmed at Jack's reluctance to head out after Fayed.] Assad: My men are dead. I can find Fayed, but I cannot stop him by myself. Jack: I don't know how to do this anymore.

Assad

You'll remember.

24 (TV series)

7:00am - 8:00am [6.02]

[Scott enters the Amar home to find a dead man and a wounded Ahmed, who pulls a gun on him.] Scott: Ahmed. We're friends.

Ahmed Amar

What friends? You can't even pronounce my name. It's not Ah-med, it's Ack-med.

24 (TV series)

9:00am - 10:00am [6.04]

Chloe: You were right about Curtis and Assad. Curtis was in the army, just after desert storm. His squad was ambushed by Assad's people. They killed 5 of Curtis's men and took 2 more hostage. Curtis was badly wounded, he couldn't go after them. The next day a tape was sent to the local television station. Assad's lieutenant forced the men from Curtis's patrol to beg for their lives, and then he personally beheaded them both.

Jack

Oh my God.

24 (TV series)

9:00am - 10:00am [6.04]

Jack: Curtis, put down your weapon! Curtis: I can't do that, Jack.

Jack

Curtis, by order of the President of the United States, PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON!

24 (TV series)

9:00am - 10:00am [6.04]

[Jack is violently ill after killing Curtis to save pardoned terrorist Assad.] Jack: Tell the President I'm sorry, I can't do this any more.

Buchanan

The hell you can't!

24 (TV series)

9:00am - 10:00am [6.04]

[Ahmed directs Scott after receiving orders on the phone to kill him.]

Ahmed

Don't make this any harder than it already is. Kneel.

24 (TV series)

9:00am - 10:00am [6.04]

[Buchanan loudly reviews CTU's recent failures.]

Buchanan

We have to do better than we're doing, and we have to do it faster!

24 (TV series)

9:00am - 10:00am [6.04]

[Jack has been forced to shoot Curtis] Bill Buchanan: Curtis didn't leave you any choice.

Jack Bauer

That's what I keep trying to tell myself.

24 (TV series)

10:00am - 11:00am [6.5]

Liddy: It's . You won't believe who just called here. Graem Bauer: Who? Liddy: Your brother Jack. Graem Bauer: What are you talking about? Jack's rotting away in some Chinese prison. Liddy: No, actually he's here in L.A. Graem Bauer: How the hell did that happen? Liddy: I don't know. Graem Bauer: What's he want? Liddy: He's looking for the old man. Graem Bauer: Yeah? Why? Liddy: He didn't say. But if I were you, I'd expect a call from Jack. Your name came up. Graem Bauer: Damn it. We should have killed Jack when we had the chance instead of handing him over to the Chinese. Liddy: We tried.

Graem Bauer

This isn't good. My brother has a way of digging things up that need to stay buried.

24 (TV series)

10:00pm - 11:00pm [6.17]

[Just before hanging Fayed, in reference to Fayed's brother, a terrorist Jack killed]

Jack

Say hello to your brother.

24 (TV series)

10:00pm - 11:00pm [6.17]

[Mike Doyle sees the bodies of several guards dead on the floor, and Fayed strangled, hung from a chain]

Doyle

Damn, Jack.

24 (TV series)

8:00am - 9:00am [7.1]

Senator Mayer: Let the record show this is the third day of this Senate hearing investigating human rights violations by the recently disbanded Counter Terrorist Unit. Yesterday, when we adjourned, we were discussing brutality and torture by CTU agents in the course of their operations. Will the witness please state his name? Jack Bauer: . Senator Mayer: Mr. Bauer, I don't see your counsel present. Is he or she not aware that we're about to start? Jack Bauer: I have chosen not to retain counsel. Senator Mayer: Mr. Bauer, I have to advise you that many of the questions that we're about to pose to you are of a legal nature and might result in answers that could incriminate you. Jack Bauer: I understand that, Senator. Senator Mayer: We can postpone your testimony until this afternoon if you'd like to bring in representation something that I would strongly advise. Jack Bauer: What is the first question, Senator? Senator Mayer: [beat] All right, then. Let's begin. Mr. Bauer, who is Ibrahim Hadad? Jack Bauer: That information is classified. Senator Mayer: We represent the people of the United States, and we have declassified those files on their behalf. Now, I'm going to ask you one more time: Who is Ibrahim Hadad? Jack Bauer: [beat] He was a member of a terrorist sleeper cell CTU had under surveillance in 2002. Senator Mayer: And isn't it true that you detained Mr. Hadad without due process, and that you used extreme interrogation methods on him until he answered your questions? Jack Bauer: Yes, sir. Senator Mayer: Would you say that you broke procedure with this interrogation? Jack Bauer: [beat] Probably. Senator Mayer: Probably? Well, that's a... very cavalier answer. You don't seem to care about the implications here. [beat] Well, Mr. Bauer? Jack Bauer: I'm sorry, Senator. I didn't hear a question. Senator Mayer: All right, then. [sternly] Did you torture Mr. Hadad? Jack Bauer: [beat] According to the definitions set forth by the Geneva Convention...yes, I did. Senator, why don't I save you some time. It's obvious that your agenda is to discredit CTU and generate a series of indictments. Senator Mayer: My only agenda is to get to the truth. Jack Bauer: I don't think it is, sir. Senator Mayer: Excuse me? Jack Bauer: Ibrahim Hadad had targeted a bus carrying 45 people, ten of which were children. The truth, Senator, is I stopped that attack from happening. Senator Mayer: By torturing Mr. Hadad. Jack Bauer: By doing what I deemed necessary to protect innocent lives. Senator Mayer: So, basically, what you're saying, Mr. Bauer, is that the ends justify the means, and that you are above the law. Jack Bauer: When I am activated, when I am brought into a situation, there is a reason. And that reason is to complete the objectives of my mission at all costs. Senator Mayer: Even if it means breaking the law?

Jack Bauer

For a combat soldier, the difference between success and failure is your ability to adapt to your enemy. The people that I deal with they don't care about your rules. All they care about is a result. My job is to stop them from accomplishing their objectives. I simply adapted. In answer to your question, am I above the law? No, sir. I am more than willing to be judged by the people you claim to represent. I will let them decide what price I should pay. But please do not sit there with that smug look on your face and expect me to regret the decisions that I have made. Because, sir, the truth is...I don't.

24 (TV series)

8:00am - 9:00am [7.1]

Sean Hillinger: You do know you could hire a $14-an-hour data-applications geek to do this work?

Renee Walker

I wouldn't advertise that.

24 (TV series)

9:00pm - 10:00pm [7.14]

Senator Mayer: This morning at the hearing you said you had no regrets, but what I saw was a man full of regret. Jack: Of course I have regret, Senator. I regret losing my family. My wife was murdered because I was responsible for protecting David Palmer during the assassination attempt. My daughter cant even look at me. Every day I regret looking into the eyes of men, women and children knowing that any moment their lives may be deemed expendable in an effort to protect the greater good. I regret every decision and mistake I might have made that resulted in the loss of an innocent life. But you know what I regret the most? That this world even needs people like me. Senator Mayer: You think Im naive to think that we need to hold ourselves to a higher standard of conduct? Jack: It doesnt even matter what I think, Senator. You just need to understand that where I work things get a lot messier than where you work on the Hill. Senator Mayer: What youve lost, Mr. Bauer, is tragic. What youve been through compelled to do in the name of saving innocent life is tragic. But sometimes we need to incur the most horrible losses in order to uphold the ideals that this country was founded on. How can we presume to lead the world unless we set an example? Jack: You make it sound so simple.

Senator Mayer

Well, maybe its simpler than you think. Maybe all the things that youve seen and all the things that youve done have clouded your vision.

24 (TV series)

10:00pm - 11:00pm [7.15]

Tony: What the hell are you doing? Don't do it, Jack. Don't turn a surveillance job into a firefight; it'll be two against ten!

Jack

Two against nine.

24 (TV series)

4:00 p.m. – 5:00 p.m [8.01]

Teri: Jack? Jack: Oh. Sweetheart, we already talked about this, remember? You're supposed to call me Grandpa. Teri: You don't look like a grandpa.

Jack

'Couldn't agree with you more.

24 (TV series)

2:00pm - 3:00pm [8.23]

Jack: (while holding Pres. Logan at gunpoint) Call President Suvarov and tell him you want to meet him where you are immediately after the press conference. President Logan: And what am I supposed to tell him?

Jack

(smiling) Try the truth for once. Tell him that you have credible intelligence about a threat to his life.

24 (TV series)

3:00pm - 4:00pm [8.24]

[Last line of the series]

Chloe

Shut it down.

2 Broke Girls

Pilot [1.01]

[First lines] Oleg: Pick up. Tables 12, 4, 11. Max: Got it. Hey, when you get a second, stop looking at my boobs. Hipster #1: Excuse me. Waitress? Dude? [snapping his fingers] Max: Hi, what can I get ya? Hipster #1: We need some... Max: [snaps her fingers in his face every time she speaks] Is that annoying? Is that obnoxious and rude? Would you find it distracting if someone did that to you while you were working? Oh, you don't have a job. Sorry. Hipster #2: Damn, dude, she burned you.

Max

Oh. [snaps her fingers in front of Hipster #2 too] No, hipster. No. Do not think we're on the same team. We have nothing in common. I wear knit hats when it's cold out. You wear knit hats 'cause of Coldplay. You have tattoos to piss off your dad. My dad doesn't know he's my dad. [turns to Hipster #1] And finally, you think [snaps her fingers in his face] this is the sound that gets you service. I think [snaps again] this is the sound that dries up my vagina.

2 Broke Girls

Pilot [1.01]

Max: [notices Caroline sleeping on the subway] Hey. Caroline: I have a taser! [wakes up suddenly and tasers Max, who falls unconscious to the ground] Oh, my God. I am so sorry. I didn't think it would hurt so much. It's pink. Max: It didn't feel pink. Caroline: I didn't know it was you. I thought I was being raped.

Max

That's not what rape feels like.

2 Broke Girls

And the Break-up Scene [1.02]

Caroline: Are you sure you're fine? 'Cause I heard you crying last night. Max: I don't cry. I sold my tear ducts to an organ bank for cash two years ago. Caroline: I was on the couch. And I heard you crying alone in your bedroom. Max: Really? What did the crying sound like? Caroline: Like... [moaning] Max: I wasn't crying.

Caroline

Well, then what were you d [Max widens her eyes in irony] Oh! So none of my business.

2 Broke Girls

And the Break-up Scene [1.02]

Caroline: When I went to the cute coffee place, I spoke to the counter girl, Nabulangi Max: If someone named Nabulangi is making an appearance in the first sentence, I have to sit down. Caroline: And she said her manager'll be in at 11:00. So I thought I'd Chanel it up, walk on over there, introduce myself and your fabulous cupcakes. Max: That's exactly what I was gonna do. Caroline: I'm just gonna go say good-bye to Chestnut and get going. You know, having only one cute outfit takes hours off getting dressed. [walks out into the backyard] Oh. That is a lot of fresh Brooklyn. Morning, Chestnut, it's a beautiful [slips and falls on Chestnut's feces] Max: No. Way. [Caroline walks back inside with feces all over her dress]

Max

Look, Chanel Number 2. [laughs]

2 Broke Girls

And Strokes of Goodwill [1.03]

Max: Okay, ready to go? Caroline: Do we have to? It's so hot outside. When did heat get so hot?

Max

Stop fighting it, just give in to it. I don't know why I'm quoting a rapist.

2 Broke Girls

And Strokes of Goodwill [1.03]

Caroline: Um, didn't you see me crying? Max: Lots of people cry at Goodwill. You go to France, you eat snails. You come here, you cry. Caroline: That's odd, you didn't even react. You need to react when people cry. Max: I did, I rolled my eyes. Look, eventually, you'll learn to do that on the inside. Caroline: Okay, well, just FYI, when I used to cry in front of my other girlfriends, they'd be like, "What you cryin' about, C-line? Look at you, girl, you're fierce, you got your glam on!"

Max

Are your girlfriends black drag queens?

2 Broke Girls

And the Rich People Problems [1.04]

Max: [after Han decides to install a karaoke machine in the diner] You can't give hipsters a microphone. That's like throwing gasoline on a pretentious fire. Han: Hipsters like karaoke.

Max

Replace the word "like" with the word "Hitler" and you've got the three worst things in history.

2 Broke Girls

And the Rich People Problems [1.04]

[Max and Caroline break into Caroline's closet in her old townhouse, and Max is amazed by it.] Max: What?! No way! No way! Is this Narnia? I'm about to say something I swore I'd never say. OMG! Again, OMG! It's lame, but nothing else really nails it. This is the room that OMG was born for. Caroline: Max, it's just my closet.

Max

Your clothes have a house!

2 Broke Girls

And the '90s Horse Party [1.05]

Kay Jean: Hola, dudarinos. Laundromat's closing early. We've rented it out for our '80s pop-up disco party. Bobby. [Bobby hands Max a flyer of the party]

Max

Shouldn't it be called an "'80s pop-up lame hipster will do anything to be ironic and lame" party?

2 Broke Girls

And the '90s Horse Party [1.05]

Max: Come on, Chestnut, go poo-poo near the hipsters. Hey, how cool would it be if we could get Chess to go poo on a hipster? Caroline: How can all of those people have $75 just to dance at a laundromat? I've been doing my roots with white-out.

Max

Hipsters in Williamsburg will pay for anything if it makes them feel like they're in on something new no one else knows about. All you need's a gimmick.

2 Broke Girls

And the Disappearing Bed [1.06]

Caroline: So, tell me, did you give Peach the card? Max: No, I didn't. Caroline: Why? Max: It was like my mouth wouldn't let me do it. Caroline: That's crazy. What's so hard about going up to Peach and saying, "Good afternoon, Peach. Exciting news... I started a cupcake business. Here's our card. Please pass them out to all your friends and help us launch our exciting new business venture. Thank you."

Max

That sounds needy, like when someone asks you to come to their one-woman show. "Somebody date-raped me, and I didn't think I'd live through it, but I did, and now I'm stronger, and, uh, still needy."

2 Broke Girls

And the Disappearing Bed [1.06]

Max: Call him right now! He can't come over here. Look around! I have his napkins hanging up everywhere. He'll think I'm Dexter. [intercom buzzes] Don't answer that. Don't you... Caroline: [answering intercom] Come on in, Johnny. Yes, I did it. I need a bed. Max: You are so selfish! Caroline: Yes, I'm selfish, and you're Dexter. So, quick... help me take down the napkins. Oh, God, there are so many! How come I never noticed how many there were before? Max: I don't know. Same reason you didn't notice your father stealing everybody's money? Caroline: Really? Really? Now when I'm helping you?

Max

You're right. We'll trash you later.

2 Broke Girls

And the Pretty Problem [1.07]

Caroline: I have a surprise. I redecorated my room. I scoped out some cheap fabric in bedding places down on Houston Street. What do you think? [pulls down her Murphy bed] Max: I think you've made a vagina. Caroline: What? Max: Sister, you may think that sex is the last thing on your mind, but you turned your bed into a vagina. Caroline: Do you think my vagina has curtains? Max: I don't know how long it's been. Caroline: I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Max: Okay, but I still have to make the cupcakes to bring by that place tomorrow. I don't wanna keep you awake, so why don't you sleep in my bed tonight and I'll pass out on your vagina?

Caroline

Okay, but you better buy me breakfast in the morning.

2 Broke Girls

And the Pretty Problem [1.07]

Serena: All right, let's go around and introduce ourselves and tell us why you came tonight. Let's start with the cute guys. Stephanie and Serena: Always! Steve: I'm , I thought this would be a fun idea for my bachelor party. I'm getting married to Michael... right there. Serena: So cute. God bless! Michael #1: And I'm Michael. Michael #2: I'm Michael as well. Michael #3: Michael. Stephanie: Oh... So many Michaels. [turns to Max] And you are?

Max

Michael. No, I'm .

2 Broke Girls

And Hoarder Culture [1.08]

Oleg: Pick up. Table 10, table 12, table 69. Caroline: Oleg, there is no table 69. Oleg: There could be. Caroline: Oleg just sixty-nined me, and now I don't remember any of the table numbers. Max: Look, he's never gonna stop sixty-nining us. Forget the table numbers. Here's how you remember your orders. You just give people nicknames. Look, I got Thin Cee Lo, Fat Rihanna, Jon Beret Ramsey, and Kristen Bad Wig.

Caroline

Oh, okay. I got Seth Rogaine, Child Molester Moustache, and Lesbian Justin Bieber.

2 Broke Girls

And Hoarder Culture [1.08]

Max: [to Oleg and Han] What are you staring at? It's just clothes. Oleg: Max, you look like a lady. Tonight when I dream of having sex with you, as always, this time I will ask you to stay. Caroline: Max, you look perfect for your date. Max: It's not a date. Caroline: It is. Han: No, it's not. It's booty call. Max: There is a fresh, white billboard. I'm climbing it with my friend, and we're putting up his artwork. Han: Booty call on billboard. If it's after 2:30, call is for the dirty.

Max

What's that from? Dr. Seuss' Oh, the Places You'll Put It In?

2 Broke Girls

And the Really Petty Cash [1.09]

Caroline: You'll never guess who just came into the restaurant. You'll be very happy. Max: Gary, the fat guy from Teen Mom? Caroline: Someone you like, someone you want to kiss, someone you're hot for.

Max

Tyler, the skinny guy from Teen Mom?

2 Broke Girls

And the Really Petty Cash [1.09]

Max: I kissed Johnny. Caroline: What? When? Max: He came by the apartment right after you left.

Caroline

I was only gone 20 minutes. What'd you do, shine a bat symbol on your vagina?

2 Broke Girls

And the Very Christmas Thanksgiving [1.10]

Caroline: You're lucky I edited your application. Max: Why, what was so bad? Caroline: You requested to work in Santa's sex toy shop. Max, that's not even a thing. Max: Tell that to my candy-cane-shaped vibrator. Caroline: Max!

Max

I call it "Santa's big helper."

2 Broke Girls

And the Very Christmas Thanksgiving [1.10]

Max: It'll be a miracle on 34th Street if we make it out of the bottom of this slave ship without elf scurvy. Mary: Hi. I couldn't help but overhear you mention Miracle on 34th Street. That's my absolute favorite Christmas movie. Caroline: Mine too! Mary: My second favorite is It's a Wonderful Life. Caroline: Mine too! Max: I've got Schindler's List on Blu-ray. Mary: Hi. I'm . Caroline: I'm . Mary: [turns to Max] Hi. I'm .

Max

It's cool, we don't need to talk.

2 Broke Girls

And the Reality Check [1.11]

Han: Look, two parties of cool hipsters are sitting at tables near wall. [referring to a group of four hipsters sitting next to two homeless men] Max: You think those are six hipsters? Okay, let's go over this one more time. Hipster or homeless pop quiz, ready? Han: Ready. Max: Hipsters wear? Han: Skinny jeans. Max: Homeless wear? Han: Dirty jeans. Max: Hipsters listen to? Han: Radiohead. Max: Homeless listen to? Han: The voices in their head. Max: Hipsters have? Han: Beard and a blog. Max: Homeless have? Han: Beard and so much sadness. I see sadness, there and there. Max: I'll handle this. [walks toward the group of hipsters] I told you before, I don't want your kind in here. Take a trendy hike. Better step it up. The Apple Store closes at ten. Han: Max, why did you kick out the hipsters?

Max

'Cause I could not be in the background of another Instagram photo.

2 Broke Girls

And the Reality Check [1.11]

Max: Oleg, take a picture of your junk on this customer's camera. Oleg: Done. Max: Aren't you gonna ask why? Oleg: No need. [Caroline screams] Caroline: I just saw Oleg's...

Max

Yeah, that might have been my fault. Kind of a shock seeing it for the first time.

2 Broke Girls

And the Pop-Up Sale [1.12]

Han: Don't forget to pick up customer comment card. Customers very important. It's all about the fans. Max: Yeah, I'm not a fan of hearing what people have to say. For instance, what's happening right nownot a fan. Han: Max, feedback from customers is very important business tool. Perhaps we'll pump the brakes on sour waitress attitude.

Max

There's only one tool that can change my 'tude, but I'm gonna need two AA batteries and a 20-minute break.

2 Broke Girls

And the Pop-Up Sale [1.12]

Jeffrey: [to Caroline] And so sorry to hear about your father being a criminal and you being penniless and all that ugliness. But it is kinda karma. You are where you are now, and I'm back on top.

Max

Look, Jeffrey, I know we just met, but there's no way you're a top.

2 Broke Girls

And the Secret Ingredient [1.13]

Max: We just need to grab ten boxes of Duncan Hines cake mix and we're done. Caroline: Why would we need to do that? Max: Why do you think? To make the cupcakes. Caroline: I thought the cupcakes were homemade. Max: They are, I make them in my home. Caroline: You've been using a boxed cake mix? Max: Relax, I only use it when I'm tired. And I add a secret ingredient of my own to the mix that makes them irresistible. Caroline: So you have no shame using the store-bought mix?

Max

I've no shame about anything. Shame is overrated like Ke$ha. In fact, they should rename shame "keshame." "I just bought a Ke$ha album, I'm so keshamed."

2 Broke Girls

And the Secret Ingredient [1.13]

Tanya: [in a Jamaican accent] All right now, your total is $70.49. Caroline: Wow, that seems like a lot. Tanya: I don't make the prices, now do I? Caroline: No, I was just commenting. Tanya: Well, it's not CNN, now is it? Max: [pulls out a few coupons] Here, give her the coupons. Caroline: The coupons? Max: Yeah, here. Caroline: Max, you use coupons? I had no idea. Max: You're looking at me like I'm on To Catch a Predator. Caroline: We don't need to use those, I have my tip money right here. Max: What are you talking about, I have coupons. Here, take them. [Hands Caroline the coupons] Caroline: [tries to give Tanya the coupons] I I have [turns back to Max] I can't, I don't want to. I've fallen so far, I can't fall any further. Don't make me. Max: There's no need to go down a keshame spiral. [takes Caroline's hand with the coupons and puts it out to Tanya] Hi, she has coupons. Tanya: Oh, now you tell me you have coupons? Should have told me before, now shouldn't ya? Caroline: I didn't wanna tell you at all, she made me. [turns to Max, imitating Tanya's accent] Now didn't ya? Max: Look, it's not a big deal. Lots of people use coupons. Caroline: Coupons are for

Max

Poor people, yes. Like us. People who stand at the cash register and say things like, "Wow, $70? That seems like a lot."

2 Broke Girls

And the Upstairs Neighbor [1.14]

Caroline: [referring to Sophie] Oh, my God, she's a hooker. I've been using a hooker's lip gloss. Max: She's not a hooker. Caroline: Oh, good.

Max

She's too old, she's a madam. You've been using an old hooker's lip gloss.

2 Broke Girls

And the Upstairs Neighbor [1.14]

[In a restaurant, after Sophie asked if the girls would consider working for her and then excused herself from the table for a moment] Caroline: I can't believe she would actually consider asking us to be prostitutes. Max: I know. I mean, me, I get, but you, I don't see it. You heard the guy, I look like I could "take a lot." [referring to a comment from one of the restaurant's waiters] Caroline: Max, it's not funny. Isn't it bad enough I may have gotten herpes from her Chanel gloss? Max: Of course we're not gonna do it, but come on, you'd be a terrible hooker. Caroline: Thank you, I would be a terrible hooker. I have a heart, and soul, and dreams, and wanna fall in love and have a family.

Max

Oh, just say it, you're bad in bed.

2 Broke Girls

And the Blind Spot [1.15]

Oleg: [comes out of the kitchen after learning Sophie was at the diner] Kitchen was closed... But can now be open again for such a beautiful woman. Hello. I am the chef. Max: Oh, here we go. Ukraine's gonna try to invade Poland. It's double D-Day. Caroline: Oleg, this is our neighbor, Sophie. Sophie: I would like to have a plate with sausage on it while I look over the menu. Oleg: Yowza. You are like someone super-sized Victoria's Secret angel. I'd like to Gisele on your Bundchens.

Sophie

[hits Oleg in the crotch with a magazine] You're gonna act like a dog, I'll treat you like a dog.

2 Broke Girls

And the Blind Spot [1.15]

Caroline: [notices Max smoking one of Sophie's electric cigarettes] Max, you shouldn't smoke. You'll get...

Max

What, electrocuted? This is silly. If I'm gonna suck on something this hard and get no pleasure out of it, I should just date.

2 Broke Girls

And the Broken Hearts [1.16]

Oleg: I would like to hire you to clean my house. Sophie: Oh, yeah, this is possible. I will send girl. What is your address? Oleg: I don't want some girl. I want you to come clean. Sophie: Oh, you cannot get me to come. Oleg: Oh, I can get you to come. Sophie: No, I can no longer come anymore. No, Max and Caroline can come. Max and Caroline: No, no, no, no, we're not coming. Oleg: So no one can get you to come? Sophie: Well, some people can get me to come... Just not you.

Oleg

Hard to get... I like it.

2 Broke Girls

And the Kosher Cupcakes [1.17]

Max: You realized I replaced that Purell with K-Y, right? Caroline: Max, please say you're kidding. Max: Of course I'm kidding. I can't afford lube. I just use my tears.

Caroline

Max, seriously, don't mess with my hand sanitizer. I've already caught poverty this year and I refuse to catch the flu.

2 Broke Girls

And the Kosher Cupcakes [1.17]

Caroline: [to Esther Rachael] I'm so happy to be in your warm and wonderful home. I was very close to my neighbors, the Kleins. In fact, they called me their honorary Jew. Max: Stop now. This is like when you tell Earl you're practically black. We'll just get our money and go. Esther Rachael: Take our money and go? What are we, barbarians? Stay and celebrate a little! But, out here in the kitchen, away from the men. Sit, eat, come!

Max

Three of my favorite things to do!