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A little less than a decade ago, hockey fans were blessed with a slate of games every night, but on Thursday sources confirmed that for the ninth consecutive year NHL players have been locked out, with very slim hopes of an agreement in sight. It seems like just yesterday Martin St. Louis and his Lightning teammates were raising the Stanley Cup, high school hockey coach and onetime ESPN analyst Barry Melrose said. Obviously, Im still hoping the two sides can come together and reach an agreement, but Im starting to think nobody really misses hockey anymore. Nope. Nobody but old Barry. Id still love to catch an Atlanta Thrashers game. Observers have noted that when arena doors do reopen, the NHL will face the perhaps greater challenge of convincing fans to return to hockey instead of watching more popular sports like football, basketball, baseball, and SlamBall.

The writers of the HBO series The Sopranos took another daring storytelling step by killing off 10 million fans during the seventh season's premiere episode Sunday night. 'This was definitely a bold choice, one that producers of the show would have never thought of making five years ago,' said New York Times television critic Virginia Heffernan, who noted that the move was hinted at in a season-five episode in which Tony dreamt he was riding a horse through his house. 'But now that I look back, this was strongly foreshadowed throughout all of last season.' Industry insiders predicted that the show's producers would try to bring at least some fans back for the series finale, which may come as early as May.

Despite claims from the TV news outlet to offer 'nonstop news' and 'coverage you can count on,' an selfnews investigation has uncovered hundreds of instances in which KAMR Channel 4 10 OClock Eyewitness News team relied almost exclusively on news reports, weather forecasts, and even special-interest features already generated by the stations 6 OClock Eyewitness News team. The investigation found that 10 OClock News Team is in fact not the 'team you can trust.' In an examination of 98 consecutive prime-time and late-night broadcasts, including dozens more nationwide, the Amarillo-based stationthe regions self-styled 'News Leader'repeatedly ran pieces for its Health Beat, Pet Patrol, and Bargain Busters segments in both evening news slots, and regularly relayed the same weather updates and traffic reports up to 15 times a day. KAMR even routinely rehashed 6 p.m. footage for seemingly urgent 'breaking news' reports, most recently the Plum Creek Nursing Home power outage and the Bonham Middle School roof collapse. In an April incident involving the 10 p.m. recap of a local Cancer Fun Run, anchor Andy Justus read almost the exact same copy introducing the piece as he had just four hours earlier, while reporter Shalandys Anderson altered only one word between broadcasts, changing 'heartwarming' to 'inspiring.' 'If theyre on our side, as they claim, what, then, is a purportedly professional news team doing in the four hours between broadcasts?' Amarillo resident and frequent local-news viewer Mark Jette said. During another 10 p.m. broadcast, 'live continuing coverage' from reporter Matt Orlando of a two-alarm Elwood Park house fire consisted almost wholly of previously aired footage of the firefighters in action. The lack of updated footage disappointed viewers such as Hereford, TXs Kelly Byer, whose mild curiosity about the blaze, first piqued at the 6 p.m. newscast, went ungratified. <h3>'We'll continue to watch this important breaking news story.'</h3><p>Elizabeth Dinh, after a report on a broken gas main, which had already run in two previous newscasts</p> 'Its true that the image of that scorched little doll was powerful and may have bore repeating, but where was the follow-up footage of the devastated family at a Red Cross shelter?' Byer said. 'Or some fresh b-roll of the charred ruins of the house? The public deserves better.' The investigation also found the 10 p.m. KAMR broadcast consistently re-aired closing stock numbers and high-school baseball highlights and sports bloopers, its producers and anchors apparently unaware or indifferent to the fact that the information was hours old and already common knowledge among viewers. 'They say that the 6 oclock news team is the areas most watched news team,' Jette said. 'Especially by the 10 oclock news team.' Just last Tuesday, investigative reporter Meaghan Colliers 'Problem Solvers' segment on squalid conditions at a local dog kennel aired again at 10 p.m. without even a cursory update on the broken-legged puppy featured in the report. 'Their Scorching Summer coverage was even worse,' Jette continued. 'How many times do you have to repeat the same cool tips before all of Amarillo is crystal clear on exactly how to beat the heat?' While KAMR was a particularly flagrant offender, it is by no means alone. In a segment about the San Diego Zoos baby pandas, KFMB- TV-8s News At 11 not only offered footage identical to the previous telecast, but practically indistinguishable coos of affection from the co-anchor. At some stations, the problem goes far beyond one-time reuse. An 11 p.m. segment on heart-smart dinner alternatives on New Haven, Connecticuts WTNH Channel 8 was not only previously seen on the 6 p.m. news, but also on Live At 5, The 4 Report, and The News At Noon With Sonia Baghdady. Another piece on the citys aging school buses was rotated into the following days Good Morning New Haven! as well. In extreme examples, such as in Louisville, KYs WLKY-TV prime-time and late-night newscasts, the only distinguishable characteristic is the lead anchors concluding suggestion to 'stay tuned for [David Lettermans] The Late Show.' Despite the mounting controversy over the KAMR Channel 4 team, the investigation was unable to conclusively prove that the hopeful wishes to see viewers the next day, and the camaraderie and laughter shared between co-anchors Kyla Cullinane and Elizabeth Dinh, were anything less than genuine.

After receiving 'subpar' service and experiencing an unusually long wait for his $4.75 lunch at a local Beefside Family Restaurant Monday, customer Gus O'Connor opted to give waitress Carla Hyams a reduced 10 percent tip in an attempt to communicate his dissatisfaction and raise awareness of the areas in which he felt her performance was lacking. OConnor hoped his reduced tip would be a wake-up call for Hyams Hyams, 49, who has been serving tables at the popular eatery for 13 years, expressed enthusiastic gratitude for the 'immense personal growth' the gesture will afford her, adding that, in the long run, the experience will make her a better waitress. 'Maybe I was a little short with him when I told him to 'hold on a sec,' but in the future, I'll do my best to ensure a situation like that never, ever happens again,' said Hyams, who put O'Connor's order slip in as the understaffed cooks dealt with a large, complicated meal for a busload of senior-citizen tourists. 'It's days like this that I thank God I get paid less than minimum wage and can rely on a built-in economic incentive to keep me motivated during those 16-hour double shifts.' Hyams added that she now knows she should always bring a glass of water without any ice cubes every time someone orders a Diet Coke, and that the phrase 'when you get a minute' is in fact a polite way of indicating that the customer wants his request filled in under one minute. 'If he hadn't withheld that 50 cents, I'd make these same mistakes over and over for the rest of my career,' she said. 'Even at my age, it's amazing to think you can still learn something new about a low-paying, menial-labor job.' Hyams added that the next time she sees O'Connor she will remember that he undertipped her and strive to serve him better to avoid any further disappointment. O'Connor 'He may not realize it, but his actions today will not only improve my work ethic, but will directly benefit him, as well, in that I will gain economic and personal rewards by treating him with the tremendous respect and unfailing attention he deserves,' Hyams said. 'So really, if you think about it, that 10 percent tip is a win-win situation for both of us.' O'Connor said he felt he needed to get through to the waitress, and did so the best way he knew how. 'By giving her less than the universally agreed-upon minimum, I sent a clear, unmistakable yet constructive message,' said O'Connor, who claimed that he hoped the smaller tip would be a 'wake-up call' for Hyams. 'I was just trying to help push Carla along the path to achieving her full potential as an employee.' 'It was the absolute least I could do,' he added. O'Connor said he first considered reducing his usual 15 percent tip for the waitress when Hyams failed to replace the cream packets for his coffee while he looked over the restaurant's extensive list of lunch specials. But it wasn't until Hyams neglected to ask if he needed extra ketchup that O'Connor made the decision to let his 'money do the talking.' 'In the competitive service industry, there is a mechanism to effect change,' he said. 'I know this will be an invaluable lesson she won't soon forget, but I just did what any decent human being in my position would have done. And that feels good.' O'Connor said his overall goal was not only to receive better service, but to help Hyams become a role model for her two teenage children, Tyler and Michael. 'I know as well as anyone how hard it is for a single mother with a limited income to raise kids on her own,' he said. 'But this way they learn the value of money and the satisfaction of a job well done.' In the end, Hyams said, she could not agree more. 'My boys have had a few run-ins with the law, and they could certainly use some good advice,' she said. 'I can't wait for them, and maybe a couple of their friends, to meet Mr. O'Connor firsthand. I think they'd get a lot out of it.'

After watching his beloved Seattle Mariners prevail against the San Diego Padres, third-grader Timmy Hastert was moved to ask his father, 46-year-old insurance salesman Christopher Hastert, why interleague play is 'good.' 'Well, it lets people see the teams they normally don't get to see all that often, I think is the point, there, buddy,' Hastert said after beginning three different sentences in seven minutes. 'After all, without interleague play, we wouldn't get to see players like like Brian Giles and Scott [Linebrink], would we? Although I think we play the Yankees and Red Sox less often as a result. Right? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's how they do it.' In a moving but ultimately doomed effort to give his impressionable boy the right messages, Christopher also attempted to answer Timmy's questions regarding why only the American League has a DH, why and how the All-Star game now 'counts,' what performance-enhancing drugs are, and how baseball officials could have sat idly by when they knew there was a major steroid problem in their sport.

At a cafeteria-table press conference Monday, David Pernell, 10, 'categorically denied' girl-liking allegations recently levied against him by fellow Lakeview Elementary School fourth-grader Jonathan Witt. 'I do not, have not and will not ever like girls,' Pernell told the crowd of seven boys assembled at the lunchroom's back table. 'Mr. Witt's accusations are not only 100 percent false, but also slanderous, as it has always been my firm conviction that girls are totally and completely gross.' Pernell went on to suggest that perhaps it is Witt who likes girls, particularly Jenny Loughlin, 10.

Stunned shock and dismay were just a few of the reactions from Bobby Guntergrass on Tuesday when the 10-year-old learned that the woman from The Guinness Book Of World Records who has the ability to pop her bulging eyeballs nearly all the way out of their sockets was not a millionaire. 'No way, she's gotta to be rich,' said Guntergrass, adding that, if he himself possessed the woman's unique attribute, he would be a billionaire. 'Maybe she spent it all on a giant house. Yeah, that makes sense. She probably bought a huge mansion.' At press time, Guntergrass had reportedly grown even more disillusioned after learning that the man who holds the record for the world's longest fingernails lives in a developing nation and has no access to clean water.

Speaking with reporters before a game Monday, local Little Leaguer Nathan Garrett expressed his heartfelt wish that, just once, his unemployed father could not make it out to see him play. Every time I come up to bat, I hope deep down inside that this will be the time that I look up into the stands and dont see my dad, said the visibly downcast 10-year-old, confirming that his father Peter Garrett, a former hospital records clerk who has been out of work for 15 months, had not missed even one game all season. I look down the rows of bleachers but hes always there. And when I see him my heart just sinks. I would give anything for him to be in an office not watching me play, Garrett added. The fourth-grader admitted he often feels envious of his teammates, whose steadily employed fathers are either unable to make it to games or only show up for the final inning or two. In addition, Garrett reported being especially saddened when his dad failed to miss even the most inconveniently timed games right after school in the middle of the week, stating that he felt embarrassed and ashamed that everyone else on the team might notice that his father was the only parent in the stands. With his father never putting in long hours at work, Garrett acknowledged that he has devised ways to help him cope with the constant attention he receives. I try to put the whole thing out of my mind, but sometimes its really hard not to think about how Dad isnt stuck behind a desk somewhere, especially when he stands up and cheers my name, said Garrett, sullenly noting that the number of games left in the season that his father could potentially miss were rapidly running out. And once I start thinking about how he came to yet another game and how hell probably come to the next one too, I just feel awful. I guess Dad will always be the one whistling and clapping for me in the stands instead of furthering a career, Garrett continued. And thats just something I have to live with. In addition to showing up at games, Garretts long-unemployed father is said to frequently disappoint his son with his constant availability at home as well. In particular, Garrett stated that his dad, who hasnt had a job interview in months, is always ready to play catch in the backyard at any time, drive him to and from practice at all hours, and even help out with school or Boy Scouts projects. Moreover, Garrett noted with a dejected sigh that his father frequently offers to take him to the local minor league ballpark. In spite of his frustrations with his fathers behavior, Garrett said that ever since he joined Little League last springshortly after his dad was laid off from the job hed held for over a decadehe has clung to a sliver of hope that his father might one day apologize and offer an excuse about having important work to take care of instead of showing up. I just want Dad to come up to me before a game, put his hand on my shoulder, and finally say, Im not going to be there tonight, champ, said the second baseman for the leagues Blue Jays club. If he only knew how much I think about walking off the field after a game without being hugged or congratulated. Thats all I want. Ultimately, Garrett said that, when he later looks back at this time in his life, he wants to remember his father having work obligations that prevented him from attending his sons extracurricular activities. I just wish Dad would realize how much it means to me that he not be here, said Garrett before taking the field. When it comes down to it, I just want my dad to have a little less time for me, you know? The 10-year-old then reportedly covered the tears welling in his eyes with his glove after hearing the phrase Go get em, Nate! shouted from behind the dugout.

Sports journalists and television crews were pushed aside during Super Bowl Media Day on Tuesday as more than 1,000 writers for the website BleacherReport.com entered Lucas Oil Stadium to acquire material for their trademark style of reportage. 'I asked Tom Bardy [sic] where he thought he should be on my list of the top 10 guys to ever play in the Super Bowl, and he said it didn't sound like I had anyone who played before 2005,' said Bleacher Report writer Darron Nasty, 16, whose credentials identified him as 'Writer, Top 10 Carolina and Miami Hurricanes Writer, June 2011.' 'I think we got a lot of good answers, though, and our Super Bowl analysis lists are going to give a lot of insight to the fans and coaching staffs.' Also at Media Day for the first time was the sports and culture web magazine Grantland, which sent Vin Scully to narrate the proceedings so that editors could sit at home listening to him on the radio while drinking cognac.

SALEM, VAF;or the eighth straight world-history period, sophomores at Riverside High School watched the 1959 classic Ben-Hur Tuesday. 'The chariot races were pretty cool,' Michael Bower said of the 211-minute film he and classmates have been watching in 25-minute segments, between roll call and free-reading. 'And when Mr. Franks got back from the teachers' lounge, he told us Jesus is in tomorrow's part.' Bower said he dreads next week, when the class will break into Ben-Hur discussion groups and share their ancient-history unit journals.

Marveling at his extraordinary proficiency in geometry for someone his age, teachers at T.C. Williams High School told reporters Thursday that local 10th-grade prodigy Michael Greenan is currently studying mathematics at a 10th-grade level. Michael is a really gifted kid. Hes working his way through a sophomore math textbook right now, learning and applying concepts such as the Pythagorean theorem and the Cartesian coordinate system that his fellow 10th-graders cant even begin to comprehend, said Greenans math teacher, Emily Cress, citing the 16-year-old whizs impressive understanding of the state-mandated curriculum that is designated appropriate for his age range. The truth is, hes always had exceptional mathematical abilities. I remember hearing crazy stories years ago about how he passed his eighth-grade placement tests at 13. If he keeps this up, by the end of the year, he could be ready for 11th-grade algebra 2. Cress went on to add that at this rate, the wunderkind will probably graduate from college by the time hes 22.

Lee Brandt, 11, a fifth-grader at North Woods Elementary School, announced Monday that he and his friends plan to spend Friday night smoking cigarettes. Brandt (center) shares a cigarette with two of his fellow new smokers. 'Tommy [Stovall] said he stole a pack from his mom's carton of Virginia Slims,' Brandt said. 'He said she goes through them so fast she'd never notice one missing. He's supposed to instant-message me after school if he could get some. And he said if he can't swipe some from his mom, he knows where his sister hides hers. Either way, we're set.' The smoking is set to take place at 8 p.m. in Hanrahan Park, a site chosen for conduciveness to furtive, pre-adolescent smoking. 'The park has this thing, it's like a solid-wood hamster wheel,' Brandt said. 'I figure that'd be the best place to go, because you can't see it from the street, and we can still smoke there even if it starts raining. It's either that or underneath the big slide, which isn't as hidden. Plus, it smells really bad under there, so that's a last resort.' Though Brandt and Stovall have smoked an estimated 10 cigarettes each in the last six months, they are excited to have the opportunity to devote a full evening to the endeavor. 'Before, Tommy could only swipe an already open pack from his mom because he didn't know where she hid the cartons,' Brandt said. 'We'd have to save them for special occasions like the sixth-grade dance or sneaking out of Sunday school. This time, though, we'll be able to take our time and really focus on the smoking.' In addition to Stovall, Brandt said he is expecting friends Rob Marchand and Patrick Ayler, as well as class tomboy Sheri Eiland, to show up. 'Rob invited Sheri because he's had a crush on her since fourth grade. And Tommy never does anything without his little sidekick Patrick,' Brandt said. 'I just hope we have enough cigarettes, with so many people coming. We should be okay, though: Patrick's probably only gonna smoke one or two, because he's a big wuss and practically had to be forced into coming. Me, I'll smoke at least five or six.' Even though the young smokers have mutually sworn to keep the event a secret, a few leaks have occurred. 'Marisa [Ebenkamp] asked what Lee and I were talking about at lunch last Wednesday,' Stovall said. 'I told her we were talking about smoking, and she freaked. I shouldn't be surprised. Marisa's a total loser and acts like a little baby, with all that 'N Stink crap she's into. I just hope she doesn't tell anyone. I'd hate to miss out on smoking just because she can't keep her stupid mouth shut.' Another near-setback occurred last Thursday, when Stovall's mother forbade him from hanging out with Brandt. 'Mom thinks Lee's a bad influence, but everything's cool,' Stovall said. 'As long as we make all our plans at school or over the Internet, she'll never find out. Besides, me and Lee don't hang out that much, just mainly when we try to get cigarettes or when we want to chuck rocks at that closed-up 7-Eleven.' Despite the careful planning leading up to the event, Brandt said the evening's activities are relatively unstructured. 'We'll probably just hang out and, you know, smoke,' Brandt said. 'Maybe we'll compare cigarettes we've smoked before. Like that open pack of Kools somebody left on the table at Wendy's. And maybe there'll even be some teenagers in the park we can trade with.' Brandt, who is certain he can avoid getting caught by the police officers who patrol the park after nightfall, is equally confident that his parents will not find out about his illicit endeavor. 'I snagged a bottle of Febreeze from the hall closet and put it in my backpack,' Brandt said. 'That should cover up the smell. If that doesn't work, we've already decided to tell our parents we were hanging out right near the smoking section at Denny's.' Brandt is already looking forward to gathering with friends and recounting the smoking adventure at the cafeteria lunchtable Monday. 'If there's one thing even better than smoking,' Brandt said, 'it's talking about smoking.'

BOSTONTravelers on Interspace 92 experienced delays of up to three hours after 117 aerocars were involved in a tropospheric pileup Monday. 'We traced the problem to a malfunctioning holosign over the harbor's low-pressure zone,' said Anders Featherston, lead engineer of Boston's Big Draft project. 'Four horizontal lanes and three vertical lanes merged without warning, causing the first few propeller-benders, and it only escalated from there.' The 22 deaths caused by the accident were only temporary, as EMTs had the victims' cortical memory stacks decanted into fresh bodies within hours.

Stroll through more than 200 picturesque rows of my beautiful orange trees. Pick as many of my oranges as youd likein fact, pick them all! But dont eat them. Bring them back to me! No pay.

According to reports, another dozen publicists are dead in what talent managers are calling a minor victory in the ongoing struggle to rebrand The Rock as Dwayne Johnson. 'We lost a lot of good men and women ensuring our client was addressed only as Dwayne Johnson during his Good Morning America appearance this week,' said head PR strategist Nate Schaumberg, who has overseen the bloody campaign for years, beginning with the moderate aim of promoting the actor as Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson. 'Soon, the whole world will know the name Dwayne Johnson.' The Rock is a professional wrestler best known for his seven WWE titles.

While enjoying the first day of her four-week stay at North Winds Summer Camp, 12-year-old Tracy Rowley told reporters Monday how thrilled she is to meet her fellow girl campers who will spend the rest of the summer mercilessly teasing and harassing her. Im really looking forward to spending time with all the girls in my bunkitll be really fun to stay up and talk every night after lights out, Rowley said of the girls who will constantly make fun of her weight, call her Brace-Face Trace at every opportunity, and cause her to cry several times a week. Were going to be like sisters! Reached for comment, Rowlands parents told reporters that their daughter, whom they will be forced to pick up and bring home halfway through the camp session, will have a really fun and memorable summer at North Winds.

While recognizing that he and the junior senator from Florida share a similar ethnic background, 12-year-old Hispanic boy Damon Aguilar admitted to reporters Tuesday that he doesnt really know whether hes supposed to be looking up to Marco Rubio or not. I dont know, should I try to be like Marco Rubio when I grow up? Is he the model I should be aspiring to? said Aguilar, adding that Rubio may look like he does, but only when compared to all the other members of the U.S. Senate. I guess hes given some pretty big speeches, but I dont know if Im supposed to be impressed with that or what. Its not as if my parents or teachers have ever told me, Hey, if you work really hard, maybe someday you could be the next Marco Rubio. Aguilar later told reporters that as far as role models go, Hispanic-looking Miami Heat head coach Erik Spoelstra would probably be a far safer pick.

Noting the limited number of gifts requested and the omission of the years most popular toys, sources confirmed Wednesday that 12-year-old David Huffmans Christmas list demonstrates a heartbreaking awareness of his familys current financial circumstances. Lego has this high-speed train set that looks awesome, but I think Im just going to ask for the little gas station they make, said Huffman, who, in a further distressing display of his appreciation for the hard times that have befallen his family, added that a replica rubber football would probably be just as good as the nice ones made of either leather or a composite material. Oh, and I really want to get BioShock Infinite, and it came out in March, so they can definitely find a used copy at GameStop, which is fine. A new controller would be great too, but honestly, the one I have isnt that bad once youre used to how the A button kind of sticks. At press time, Huffman was quietly crossing a few items off his list while listening to a particularly heated argument between his parents over a credit card bill.

Days after they were announced as the 10 nominees for Best Original Screenplay and Best Adapted Screenplay at the upcoming Academy Awards ceremony, sources revealed Tuesday that the films 12 Years A Slave, Captain Phillips, American Hustle, The Wolf Of Wall Street, Blue Jasmine, Dallas Buyers Club, Her, Nebraska, Before Midnight, and Philomena were all in fact written over the course of the same Introduction to Screenwriting for Film continuing education class. Thanks to our work together on narrative structure, realistic dialogue, and screenplay formatting, the students in my class managed to write some great scripts, and Im very proud of them all, Barton Adult Education Institute course instructor Keith Whitney told reporters, referring to enrollees in the six-week intensive script writing seminar that included students David O. Russell, Spike Jonze, and Woody Allen. Granted, they were a little wet behind the ears when we first started out. The script Billy [Ray, writer of Captain Phillips] first gave me didnt have an inciting incident until page 40, and [Before Midnight writer] Richard [Linklater] couldnt figure out a three-act structure to save his life. But once we got the fundamentals locked down, they were all able to really impress the Academy. They were a good group. At press time, Barton Institute sources also confirmed how proud they were of Gravity director Alfonso Cuarn, a recent graduate of the continuing education schools Learn Final Cut Pro in 14 Days online correspondence course.

Despite having spent eight of the last 10 days in his classmates living room playing Xbox alongside him, local 12-year-old Michael Cutler admitted to reporters Wednesday that he couldnt even venture a guess as to what the boys name is. Jeez, I could describe what he looks like, but honestly I dont know if Ive ever caught his name. Sam? Aaron, maybe? Cutler said, noting that based on casual observations, he could recall that the fellow sixth-graders Xbox Live account is batman672, he has a turtle, and he completely flips his shit when you accidentally shoot him in Call Of Duty. It might be Justin. I know theres a Justin there, Im just not sure if its his house or hes one of the other guys who also comes over to play Xbox after school. There are a few Erics in my grade, too, so theres a decent chance it could be Eric, but thats really a total shot in the dark. Cutler added, however, that if asked, he could easily name each of the 21 games his friend owns as well as every variety of snack food in his pantry.

Disgusted with the total childishness of those around her, 13-year-old Alexis Keefe announced Monday that she can't believe how immature everyone is. Orlando, FL, 13-year-old Alexis Keefe, who has taken a bold anti-immaturity stance. 'Everyone in the world is, like, so immature,' said Keefe, rolling her eyes at a group of boys playing dodgeball during lunch recess. 'I mean, when are people going to grow up? We're in eighth grade now, but everyone still runs around and plays baby games and acts completely retarded all the time.' In addition to the juvenile behavior of her classmates, Keefe is forced to endure the immaturity of her younger sister, who doesn't even know what fractions are; the produce manager at the grocery store, who whistles constantly; the youth-group leader at her family's church, who wants everyone to hold hands like they're in nursery school; the clerk with all the buttons at Payless Shoes; and, worst of all, her parents. 'My dad is always singing these dumb songs and telling stupid knock-knock jokes. I mean, get real. Knock-knock jokes? That is, like, so third grade,' Keefe said. 'Plus, he always calls pajamas 'PJs.' Excuse me?' Her father, Richard Keefe, admitted that he does get 'a little silly' sometimes, but stressed that he is making every effort to be respectful of his daughter's exceptional maturity. 'Alexis is quickly becoming a young woman, so her mother and I are always trying to think of family activities that take this into account,' Keefe said. 'We've come to find that this excludes such infantile activities as holding family sing-alongs, getting Blizzards at Dairy Queen, watching Animal Planet, visiting Grandma, shopping at Sears, swimming at the public pool, going to the planetarium, playing Frisbee, and pretty much anything else that requires Alexis to leave her room or get out of the car.' Even Keefe's best friends have come under fire for their immaturity. 'I really like Becky [Christopher] and Jen [Ingrassia], but sometimes they're totally embarrassing to be around. I mean, Becky goes to karate class, and Jen listens to Z-96. How immature can you be?' Added Keefe: 'Sometimes I think Becky and Jen need to go back to Miss Schukal's kindergarten class or wear diapers or something.' Among other things Keefe avoids at all costs: stuffed animals, pancakes, mittens as opposed to gloves, digital watches, pencils instead of pens, cotton candy, animated movies, sandals, yo-yos, ponytail holders, sack lunches and white nylons. 'We should consider ourselves lucky to have such a discriminating individual in our midst,' said Marjorie Schu, Keefe's guidance counselor at Eastlake Junior High School. 'It was only two years ago that Alexis was a watchdog for all things that were 'boring,' and before that she was foremost in her class in pointing out things that were 'gay.'' 'What will be next?' Schu asked. 'Will she move on to combat the 'lameness' that surrounds her, or will she choose to speak out against things that are 'fake' or 'cheap'? I guess all we can do is wait and see.'

CINCINNATIA 737 traveling from Cincinnati to Salt Lake City was lost with all passengers and crew Monday when cash-strapped Delta Airlines, the aircraft's operator, canceled Flight 1060 en route. Delta Flight 1060, which was forced to land in an Indiana cornfield after being canceled mid-flight. According to a statement from Delta, the midair cancellation was made as part of the company's plan to cut continental service by 25 percent and emerge from Chapter 11 bankruptcy with an economically viable business strategy. 'Delta Airlines regrets any inconvenience to our valued customers,' the statement read in part. 'Unfortunately, in today's uncertain economy, service interruptions and cancellations are inevitable.' Air-traffic-control personnel reported that Flight 1060 was at cruising altitude when Delta cancelled the flight. According to the aircraft's black-box flight recorder, the crew announced the cancellation over the intercom, instructed passengers to gather their luggage from overhead bins for disembarking, then shut down all aircraft systems. At 9:46 a.m. Central time, Flight 1060's tracking designation vanished from air-traffic-control radar screens. Approximately 15 minutes later, the aircraft crashed in a cornfield outside Tipton, IN, killing all onboard. While Delta officials are blaming the cancellation on financial troubles, other problems, such as high fuel costs and bad weather, have caused delays and lost profits for airlines in recent months. Passengers at San Diego International Airport await news of more midair cancellations. 'Airlines have been compensating for recent shortfalls by canceling flights, as well as overbooking,' airline-industry observer Gerard Mendez said. 'These things never fail to irritate customersespecially when they're done in midairbut unfortunately, the airline industry is a business like any other, and as it becomes increasingly competitive, these sorts of frustrations are taking place more and more.' In May, Delta officials made an adjustment for an overbooked flight by bumping six passengers from Flight 400 somewhere over the Allegheney Mountains. Delta Airlines spokesperson Clarice Waddell said that, in cases of cancellation and overbooking, the airline does everything it can to accommodate its customers' travel plans. Said Waddell: 'When we're forced to bump passengers from a moving airplane, we always offer meal vouchers or SkyMiles credits.' Consolidating flights is another controversial cost-cutting measure used by Delta in recent months. Delta's last attempt to consolidate flights in midair, in December 2005, resulted in the total destruction of two 747s, which exploded in a large fireball approximately 35,000 feet over central Arizona. Although the loss of these planes was recoupable as a tax deduction for the airline, Waddell stressed that Delta nonetheless regretted any unfortunate repercussions the decision may have had on the company's top prioritythe customer.

Area dock worker Bert Greer celebrated his birthday with a quiet party at his home Sunday, surrounded by family. Asked the secret to his astounding longevity, the feisty 134-year-old credited 'healthy eating, a good walk every evening, and a Social Security workers accidental striking of an extra digit while typing in my age.' The remarkable Greer, who remembers meeting President Lyndon Johnson as a young boy, said he has no plans to retire any time soon.

The U.S. continued to make progress in its fight against totalitarianism Tuesday, when 137 more oil wells were liberated for democracy. The U.S. flag flies high atop a newly liberated oil well. 'For decades, these oil wells have suffered untold misery under Saddam Hussein's tyrannical rule,' said U.S. Commander General Tommy Franks, speaking from southern Iraq's Rumailah oil fields, the site of the liberation. 'With this victory, these long-oppressed wells will soon pump their first barrels of crude as free and equal wells in the global petroleum marketplace. They will join the ranks of the world's liberated oil wells, enjoying the same rights as their democratic brethren around the globe.' The Rumailah wells are the latest of nearly 900 to be freed from the yoke of oppression by coalition forces. As U.S. troops continue to advance deeper into Iraqarmed with constant standing orders to 'Secure the oil wells; repeat, secure the oil wells'an estimated 1,500 more wells are expected to be liberated in the coming weeks. For months, U.S. officials have gone to great lengths to assure the public, both in America and abroad, that the Iraq invasion is not motivated by oil interestsa sentiment echoed by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld during a press conference Monday. 'This war is not about oil,' Rumsfeld said. 'Our decision to intercede against this dictator and not against the dozens of other ruthless dictators in the world is not about oil. France and Russia's opposition to this war is not about the purely coincidental fact that both countries have lucrative, pre-existing oil contracts with Iraq. Furthermore, the interest of many U.S. corporations in the war has nothing to do with oil, either. This war is about liberty. Oil wells deserve liberty, too.' Continued Rumsfeld: 'These oppressed Iraqi oil wells deserve the right to pump oil as freely as any other oil well on God's Earthbe it in Saudi Arabia, Nigeria, or an Alaskan wildlife refuge. It is crass and cynical to view this operation as being motivated by greed, profit, or the second-largest oil reserves in the Middle East. This war is motivated by one thing: democracy. Our military action is meant to provide all of Iraq's oil wellsbe they big or small, staggeringly lucrative or merely very lucrativewith their God-given right to pump under a democratic system of self-governance.' In the weeks leading up to the war, the U.S. sought to make its intentions clear by air-dropping hundreds of thousands of pamphlets over Iraq assuring its people that the U.S. was not launching a war against them, but against Saddam Hussein. The pamphlets also gave Iraqi soldiers instructions on how to surrender properly, as well as a promise that they would be treated well if they did so. Most importantly, though, they included a stern admonition to all Iraqis not to burn any oil wells, warning that they would be hunted down and prosecuted as war criminals if they did. U.S. officials hope that the pamphlets' message, especially the part about the oil wells, gets through. 'These valuable natural resources belong to the Iraqi people, who rely on their output for desperately needed food and medicine under the U.N.'s Oil-For-Food Program,' Franks said. 'But ultimately, we need to remember that these oil wells do not really belong to anybody. They, like any other free oil well, have the basic, inalienable right to independent representational government and self-determination under their own rule. Every oil well deserves to choose how and when it wishes to produce oil, and for whose economic benefit.' Aiding the wells in their transition to democracy will be Texaco, Mobil, and other U.S. businesses, each of which bring years of expertise in dealing with the problems and challenges that oil wells face in a free society. These private companies will be well-equipped to help manage the oil wells as they make the difficult adjustment to producing oil in freedom. Despite the apparent inevitability of victory in Iraq, White House sources stress that the battle for oil-well liberty is far from over. 'We must remember that there are many, many oil wells living under oppression all across the world, not just in Iraq,' White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said. 'Until every oil well enjoys the fruits of democracy, no oil well is truly free.'

Acting on information gathered from billboards, alternative weeklies, and Internet banner ads, an FBI strike team liberated 14 dazed, sallow, and undernourished American Apparel models in a raid on the controversial organization's downtown Los Angeles compound early Monday. 'There were girls lying everywheredraped over furniture, sprawled spread-eagled in the corner, and huddled close like animals,' FBI Special Agent Curtis Froman, who oversaw the raid, said at a press conference. 'Many of them had been given nothing more than a pair of tube socks or men's briefs to wear.' Law enforcement officials continued clearing models from the compound into the early morning hours. Froman said it took agents nearly 20 minutes to cut through the holding-cell padlocks, only to find the ambiguously ethnic-looking captives living in 'unspeakable conditions.' 'They just stared up at us with blank expressions of utter confusion,' Froman added. 'I don't think they'd seen the sun in weeks.' Nine American Apparel security enforcers were also killed during the raid. The models, who range in age from 18 to 22 but appear to be 12 to 14, were taken to an emergency safehouse where they were given food, clothing, and access to soap. Officials said they were conducting tests to determine whether the girls were subjected to brainwashing during their captivity. 'I thought it would never end,' said Fiara, a Brazilian-Finnish brunette who was held in an empty white room for weeks in nothing but Lycra tights and a halter top. 'I can't believe how good it feels to wear something that buttons again.' After freeing the captives, many of whom appeared drugged, agents seized thousands of amateur Polaroids and several dozen pairs of oversized sunglasses whose purpose remains unclear, FBI reports said. [slideshow:66656] 'We may never know the full extent of what went on in there,' Special Agent Hugh Conroy said. 'We do know they were held against their will in an airless, windowless basement under harsh fluorescent lights, forced to sign liability waivers, and posed in contorted positions on bare cement floors. 'The humiliating combinations of flimsy unitards, leg warmers, and '70s-inspired tank tops they were forced to wear clearly show a deranged mind at work. Those poor, poor girls.' Several models said they were initially drawn in by American Apparel's progressive environmental policies, sweatshop-free manufacturing, and youthful corporate identity. But their dreams of success were soon shattered. 'Before I knew it, I was squatting on the floor in this humid room with a camera pointed at my crotch,' said model Gabrielle, whose image can be found on the back page of this newspaper. Law enforcement agencies have long suspected that the company's much-vaunted vertically integrated structure deliberately hid the unpleasant realities of this international model-exploitation ring. Despite their ongoing investigations, agents present during the raid were 'completely unprepared' for the level of degradation they discovered inside the American Apparel facility. 'I'll never forget those hollow, emotionless eyes,' Special Agent Jane Cosgrove said. 'I don't care how many stock options they were givennothing is worth what those girls went through.' Still at large, FBI sources say, is the models' alleged captor, a shadowy, unkempt, elaborately facial-haired figure in his late 30s or early 40s known only as 'the Creepy Man.'

The Florida Keys diet, which can be adequately described in 14 words, has been padded into a 204-page book: Losing Weight The Florida Keys Way, available in bookstores Tuesday. 'The diet is pretty much, 'Avoid saturated fats and simple carbohydrates, eat mostly fresh vegetables and seafood, and exercise,' said author Dr. Harris Jegen. 'Unfortunately, no one is going to shell out $24.95 for one sentence, so I've got some recipes and charts in there, a bunch of testimonials, and a 50-page Diet Diary.' Jegen's previous books include The Florida Keys Diet and The Florida Keys Diet Made Easy.

A local teenager was in stable condition Monday after nearly being crushed to death by the 263 corporate logos he recklessly wore at one time. 'The patient was admitted to our emergency room unable to breathe,' St. Joseph's Hospital chief of surgery Dr. Lyle Wilson-Scheidt said. 'His chest was collapsed under the weight of nearly 150 pounds of company and product logos, including Tommy Hilfiger, Abercrombie & Fitch, Pepsi, Nike, Adidas, Fubu, Taco Bell, Nintendo, MTV, Budweiser, the Chicago Bulls, the NBA and, for some reason, Aetna Life Insurance.' Hospital workers used a jaws-of-life device to extract the 14-year-old from the deadly crush of insignias. The AMA strongly warns individuals against wearing more than one logo for every five pounds of body weight.

At an age when most boys are going to Little League practice and playing video games with their friends, spunky Congressional whiz kid Paul Ryan, 14, has issued a comprehensive proposal to balance the federal budget, impressed Washington sources told reporters Thursday. When I was 14 years old, all I was thinking about was having enough allowance money to buy comic books, but this little teen dynamo is actually trying to rein in annual spending and eliminate the deficit, Congressman Earl Blumenauer (D-OR) said of the perky, high-school-age wonder boy, whose budget reform plan seeks to reduce government spending by $4.6 trillion by 2023 through a long-term fiscal policy that includes deep cuts to food stamps and other entitlement programs. He comes in here every day in his little two-piece suit, with his snazzy haircut that it looks like his mom gave him, and you just have to admire the kid. Heck, hes still three years away from applying for college, for Gods sake! I imagine hes not too popular with the other kids his age, but Im sure hes used to that by now. Despite their enthusiasm for the teen whiz kids pluck and hard work, Congressional sources were quick to note that Ryans budget plan made absolutely no sense.

Following last week's deadly crash of United Airlines flight 9753, which claimed the lives of 137 passengers and five crew members, the National Transportation Safety Board announced Wednesday that the victims were actually far likelier to have perished in an automobile accident. 'Although these individuals died tragically, it's important to remember that their flight was 80 times less likely to kill them than if they had driven to their destination,' said NTSB chairperson Deborah Hersman, adding that their horrific deaths were 'almost a statistical impossibility' when compared to highway travel. 'In actuality, these people were 11 times more likely to die crossing the street than in the terrifying onboard fire and subsequent 10,000-foot free fall that took their lives.' Hersman concluded by reaching out to the victims' families, stating that she sincerely wished they would have been able to see 24 of their loved ones eventually die of violent heart attacks, 20 waste away from cancer, and one or two commit suicide, as would be expected of a random 142-person sample.

In an announcement that quickly set Lowndes County abuzz with excitement, royal family sources revealed Tuesday that Brandy Puckett, 15, Duchess of McComb and first in the line of succession to the throne, was pregnant with her first child. Brandys got a baby in her! said Duke Bo Puckett, 17, addressing a rabid mob of reporters and paparazzi gathered around the back porch of the royal estate. She hadnt bled for quite a spell, so we took her to the doctor and he said shes gonna be a mama. Ending widespread speculation that the duchess was sick with something on account of she was throwing up, McComb palace officials confirmed that Duchess Brandy was three months pregnant, would give birth early next summer, and had already put in for two months of maternity leave from the local Price Chopper. Dont know who the daddy is yet, said Brandys mother Lurline III, the unmarried, 28-year-old reigning Queen of McComb. Might could be her pas, but probably not, though. Me, I reckon its most likely either [Earl of Lowndesboro] Clydes or [Gordonville High Count] Darryls. Whosever it is, I aint taking care of it, Her Royal Highness added. Though the byzantine, incestuous royal ancestry of McComb is reportedly impossible to trace for more than a couple of generations, experts on the family confirmed that the duchesss child is set to move ahead of Brandys six brothers and eight sisters in the line of succession, presumptively becoming monarch directly after Brandy herself. Its a figurehead position, course, said Lord Skeeter Puckett, who explained that real power in Lowndes County ultimately resides with the sheriff. The childs role will be to please the people; enjoy the life of McComb royalty, free from responsibility; wave at the public through the screen door; wear the royal camouflage sun hat; and fill his or her days with recreational game hunting, fishing, and off-road driving in the royal pickup. The pregnancy announcement came as welcome news for the royal family, which has endured numerous scandals, the most recent of which was the McComb Enquirers publication of a nude photo of all 53 of Brandys cousins. At press time, sources confirmed the duchess had been hospitalized for a Vicodin overdose.

A stunned crowd outside Del Monte Shopping Center watched in horror Saturday as helpless 15-year-old Haley Garner was savagely attacked and ripped to shreds by a pack of her frenzied peers. 'They homed in on her immediately, surrounded the poor girl from all sides, and then just tore her to pieces,' witness Barry Motts told reporters, saying there was nothing anyone could do for the defenseless teen except look away and let nature run its course. 'As traumatizing as it was, I can see why it happened. A beanpole adolescent standing outside a nice mall in an oversized T-shirt tucked into jean shorts, waiting for her mom to pick her up? It's amazing she survived as long as she did.' Later, the rabid pack of teens reportedly emitted a series of violent screeches before encircling a slightly obese girl who had entered the mall.

MINNEAPOLISHaving exhausted several more conventional sources for illegal drugs, area copy editor Alex Henderson, 33, was forced to ask his 15-year-old nephew Kevin for MDMA Monday. Henderson hangs out at his nephew Kevin's house. 'My girlfriend Paula [Tanner] was talking about how fun ecstasy was the two times she did it,' Henderson said. 'She got really excited when I said I'd never tried it before, because I guess the first time is the best. She said we should take it and spend all night having sex. I told her I'd make some calls.' Although ecstasy use among young adults is on the rise, Henderson said he has been 'out of the drug loop' for several years, and thus unsure where to buy the club drug. It was only after two weeks of intense searching that Henderson asked his nephew if he knew any dealers. 'Let me assure you, going to Kevin was my absolute last resort,' Henderson said. 'I explored every single avenue I could think of before I went to track him down after band practice Monday night.' Henderson said the first person he contacted before approaching the high-school sophomore was his friend Dean Holston. 'Dean and I used to party a lot in college, but he was always the one who took the money and got the stuff for our group,' Henderson said. 'It turns out he cleaned himself up and is just starting a job drafting legislation in Washington. I got him working late. He said no way. Then he said it was too bad I couldn't make it to his wedding last summer.' 'It wasn't one of my finer moments,' he added. After he asked all of his friends and several of his more irresponsible-seeming acquaintances, Henderson decided that he needed to seek out a younger demographic. He said he spent three days cozying up to Christine Polley, the 22-year-old intern at his office, before casually broaching the subject of having the history major find him some ecstasy. 'Everyone from the office was having a couple of beers after work,' Henderson said. 'Christine seems pretty laid-back, so I didn't think it would be out of line to ask her if she could hook me up. She didn't freak out or anything, but she got a little evasive and told me that she didn't do drugs and didn't know anything about that stuff. She left kind of quickly afterward. I hope she doesn't think I'm the office narc or something.' Only after several more weeks of failed attempts did Henderson turn to his nephew. 'Let's just say itI was desperate,' Henderson said. 'I can admit that much.' Although Henderson found it awkward to ask his nephew for illegal drugs, the prospect of pleasing his girlfriend convinced him to go forward with his plans. 'I tried to call at a time when no one else in the family was around, but my brother Jake answered the phone,' Henderson said. 'I talked to him for a minute, and then I was like, 'Yeah, so how's Kevin?'' Henderson said his concern for his nephew seemed to confuse his brother. 'He was like, 'Kevin? He's okay. He got a B-minus on his research paper.' That was my road in,' Henderson said. 'I was like, 'B-minus. Hmm. Maybe I should talk to him.'' Henderson's brother, though surprised by the request, put his son on the phone. 'Once I had Kevin on the phone, I told him he didn't need to worry so much about a B-minus, that it was just one grade, that he was doing great. I asked him what sports teams he's rooting for these days, if he thought that movie about the Alamo was going to be any good, and then if he could get me some X.' According to Henderson, Kevin initially did not understand the question, forcing his uncle to repeat himself several times. 'I was like, 'Ecstasy. Can you get me some X?'' Henderson said. 'Finally, after like five minutes, he was like, 'Oh. Oh. X? Oh. Um, I guess I can ask around.'' Henderson said he immediately had second thoughts after getting off the phone with his nephew. 'It kind of got me worried,' he said. 'I don't think my relationship with Jake would ever bounce back if he found out I'd enlisted Kevin as my drug mule. He's still a little mad at me because I took Kevin to see House Of 1000 Corpses.' Although Kevin's initial inquiries were unsuccessful, the high-school sophomore promised to keep his ear to the ground for his uncle, in spite of his apparent discomfort in doing so. 'Some kids might think it's cool to score drugs for their uncle, but it kind of gives me the creeps,' Kevin said. 'I don't really hang out with the kids who deal that stuff, so it's awkward to go up and ask them for it. I'm going to try, though. It's even worse to have Uncle Alex calling here and hanging up when Dad answers. We have caller ID.'

Reportedly left dumbfounded by the news that recent parolee Terry Raney had been reincarcerated on charges of assault and battery, officials at Woodbourne Correctional Facility struggled Tuesday to make sense of how the prisoner had not been rehabilitated by 15 years of constant threats, physical abuse, and periodic isolation. It just doesnt seem possible that an inmate could live for a decade and a half in a completely dehumanizing environment in which violent felons were constantly on the verge of attacking or even killing him and not emerge an emotionally stable, productive member of society, said chief warden Albert Gunderson, who noted that, as hard as it was to believe, Raneys recidivism proved that his criminal impulses had not in fact been corrected by the sense of grave distrust he felt toward every other person in the facility, including both fellow inmates and prison authorities, every day since 1999. We surrounded him with a combustible mix of rival gangs and made sure that he was consumed by a round-the-clock sense of terror that the slightest misstep on his part could result in a sharpened piece of scrap metal being shoved into his neck, and yet he still leaves this facility with the same criminal thoughts and violent mindset as before? Im truly at a loss for how this could have happened. Gunderson then noted his additional confusion at how the mans criminal record and the social stigma of his prison sentence had somehow failed to land him a steady job immediately upon his release.

NEW YORKSeeking to reduce costs and streamline internal operations, AT&T eliminated 1,500 mid-level employees Tuesday. AT&T logo 'The telecommunications industry is an incredibly competitive one and, unfortunately, it is sometimes necessary to make cuts in order to ensure longterm fiscal viability,' said AT&T chief executive C. Michael Armstrong, standing among 10-foot-high piles of former employees. 'It's a shame that these people are no longer with us, but the end result should be a leaner, stronger AT&T.' More employee liquidation is planned in the near future, with over $23 million in staff cuts over the next 18 months through buyouts, early-retirement incentive packages and pneumatic bolt guns. Addressing stockholders at a meeting yesterday, Armstrong said he is 'extremely excited about the positive impact these changes will make.' The company's stock jumped from 62 1/4 to 72 following the announcement of the personnel cuts, the second-largest terminal layoff in AT&T history. 'After a 15 percent drop in profits over the last two quarters, we knew we had to shake things up,' said AT&T vice-president of human resources Harold W. Burlingame. 'Once we made the decision to eliminate some personnel, our priority was to do so in the most quick and painless way possible. I believe we accomplished this.'' Burlingame expressed regret that AT&T was unable to provide the employees greater advance notice of their liquidation. 'Whenever we let employees go, we try to let them know well in advance, so they have ample time to say goodbye to co-workers, supervisors and loved ones,' Burlingame said. 'But in this case, we unfortunately couldn't, because we really needed to have them working hard right up to the minute we assembled them in the cafeteria.' Burlingame said AT&T has no plans to offer the 1,500 departed employees severance pay, claiming it would be 'of little use to them.' He thanked the employees for their many years of loyal service to AT&T and expressed hope that they ultimately find themselves in an even better place.

OOGA-BOOGA LAND OR WHEREVERRelief efforts are pouring into some country someplace, where 15,000 brown people have died over the past few weeks from flooding or a hurricane or something like that. 'Never have our people endured such a terrible catastrophe,' said this one dark-skinned guy who lost his entire family in the disaster of some sort. 'Our God has forsaken us.' The affected nation may possibly be the same one where about 90,000 brown people died two or three years ago in that one earthquake.

More than 15 millennia of human artistic endeavor, stretching back to the Lascaux cave paintings of the Magdalenian Age, have culminated in See Spot Run, the hit Warner Brothers comedy about a wacky mailman and on-the-lam pooch. 'From the plays of Sophocles to the concertos of Bach, to the modernist breakthroughs of Martha Graham, for thousands of years, artistic expression has fed man's soul and united the human race,' said Oxford University humanities professor Dr. Edmund Woolsey-Cooke. 'See Spot Run, starring David Arquette and Leslie Bibb, is the logical endpointthe apogee, if you willof this cultural progression.'

A few days into his summer vacation, local 16-year-old John Vucinich told reporters Tuesday that he is excited to have the next three months to do nothing but sit back, relax, and meticulously plot out the details of the mass shooting he is planning for the upcoming school year. After a long, stressful year, its great to have all this free time to just kick up my feet and figure out exactly when, where, and how Im going to make everyone pay, said Vucinich while lying comfortably in a deck chair and sketching out a rough list of students and teachers he plans on targeting during his upcoming rampage, as well as a tentative arsenal. When class is in session, theres way too much homework and studying for me to spend on outside projects, like sketching out a route from the parking lot to the cafeteria in order to maximize the body count. But now I have all the time in the world! Will I get Clint and those guys on the football team first? Should I go for head shots or just spray the crowd? Luckily I have a long, lazy summer to figure all that stuff out. At press time, Vucinich was enjoying a glass of fresh squeezed lemonade while fantasizing about leaving homemade explosives in the trash cans by the gymnasium, the teachers lounge, and the library.

The Arizona Diamondbacks organization apologized to fans, their families, and the community at large Thursday after more than 16,000 people attending the previous night's game were killed by the poisonous Western diamondback rattlesnakes given out as part of Complimentary Rattlesnake Night. 'I feel terrible,' Diamondbacks general manager Jerry Dipoto told reporters as emergency personnel working out of temporary triage stations around Chase Field injected antivenom into the estimated 23,000 victims who survived the initial wave of snakebites. 'All we wanted to do was give people something that was symbolic of the Diamondbacks, something they could take home and keep to remember the team by.' 'I don't think they'll be taking their rattlesnakes home after this, though,' Dipoto said. 'They probably won't want them now that all those people are dead.' The rattlesnakes, which average 4 feet in length, weigh about 10 pounds, and account for the second-highest number of snakebite fatalities in the United States, were given out to the first 20,000 ticket holders who entered the stadium. While some volunteers initially suffered bites that destroyed their muscle tissue and caused major paralysis, event organizers said the promotion seemed to go smoothly at first. 'Other than a few hundred fans who complained of swelling, dry mouth, and blurred vision, most seemed to really like their rattlesnakes,' said promotions manager Dustin Payne, who doctors believe will make a full recovery after the loss of his left arm due to venom-induced cytotoxic tissue necrosis. 'They were twirling them around by their tails, you know, sort of like a Terrible Towel thing, and we were all thinking we had maybe started a great stadium tradition.' 'But then that little girl died,' Payne continued, 'which was pretty sudden and sad. And then her mom died. And her little brother died, too, after he got bit in the throat by a rattlesnake.' Observers said that even prior to the initial deaths, a number of isolated incidents seemed to indicate that the night was headed for disaster. One particularly rowdy fan had to be escorted from the game after waving his rattlesnake in a female attendee's face, and later, outfielder Gerardo Parra was poisoned and had to be carried off the field after a fan asked the hard-hitting lefty to autograph his rattlesnake. When Diamondbacks reliever Blaine Boyer was spotted in the bullpen wildly convulsing in a writhing knot of rattlesnakes, the stadium grew quiet, save for a steady undercurrent of rattling. Videotape of the event later showed thousands of fans toppling over and clutching their chests as the snakes' neurotoxic venom caused massive respiratory malfunctions and heart failure. Though most of the Western diamondbacks ultimately sought refuge underneath the stadium seats, by the seventh inning half the people in the stands were dead. 'Everywhere you looked, snakes were lashing out and biting people. I saw a man get bit in his calf, reach down to grab his leg, get bit in his face by another snake, fall down, and then get bit several more times on the top of his head,' said Graham Rossini, the Diamondbacks' director of Special Projects and Fan Experience. 'It's weird because they were such beautiful snakes, too. I think the problem was that we gave out a lot of older rattlesnakes, and apparently they can deliver much more venom.' 'We probably should have given out baby rattlesnakes,' he added. The Diamondbacks organization has announced that it will donate all unclaimed rattlesnakes to a local children's charity next week. Until then, ticket holders who did not receive their rattlesnake may do so by sending the team a self-addressed stamped envelope and $8 to cover shipping and handling.

As the first round of preseason games drew to a close Monday, NFL sources reported that the league's 164 closeted gay players were turning in excellent performances across the board as they battled for roster positions on the league's 32 teams. 'It's still early, but so far so good,' said one Giants lineman, who told reporters he was pleased with his team's 31-16 victory over the Jets and who, like every gay player in the NFL, is not out to his teammates and asked not to be named. 'I feel good physically and I'm playing well, so I should be able to survive at least the first roster cut if I stay healthy.' 'I'm not going to make any predictions, but I think all of us gay guys did great tonight,' said a Jets skill-position player, dismissing his team's preseason loss as unimportant. 'In fact, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if all nine of our homosexual players made the cut.' Across the NFL, gay players are shaking off the rust of a long offseason, contending with the rigors of learning the playbook, and competing with their teammatessome of whom are younger, some of whom are stronger, some of whom are also gayfor a spot on a 53-man roster. For the past several weeks, they have been practicing, showering, watching videotape, eating, and sitting in the trainer's hot tub alongside straight players. While many have formed close friendships in that time, every closeted gay player realizes as much as every openly straight player that the team doesn't have enough positions for all of them. 'The first test for any player, gay or not, is how you do in that first full-pads practice, where the speed and power of players at this level surprises some guys who are coming right out of college,' said a gay player for the Kansas City Chiefs, adding that his career would surely be ruined if his sexual orientation were to be revealed. 'Our first week, a receiver coming across the middle got hit so hard by a gay member of our secondary he could barely believe it. You see that happen a lot.' Most gay players agreed the biggest test comes in the preseason games, when they are evaluated under actual playing conditions. According to sources, over the first weekend of exhibition play, the majority of homosexual players acquitted themselves more than adequately. 'I'm extremely proud of the way [my closeted gay players] performed against the Chargers last weekend,' Chicago head coach Lovie Smith said when asked about several players on his roster whose sexual orientation he was unaware of. 'I feel that [certain gay offensive players] are going to be a big component of our ground game and [various gay members of the defense] will continue to contribute in all aspects, although the pass rush is naturally a concern, as always.' 'So, why did you ask about those guys in particular?' Smith added. Realistically, the NFL's gay players told reporters, they cannot all make their respective teams. 'Not everyone can compete at this level,' said a three-time Pro Bowl linebacker and homosexual. 'There's no shame in it. It's just a fact of life. But for a lot of gay players, it's one of the hardest things to admit to yourself.' However, hopes remain high. If there's one thing aside from their carefully hidden sexual orientation that unites these athletes, it's their positive attitude. 'I'm definitely going to make the NFL. There's no doubt in my mind,' said a gay former college standout who has struggled with the transition to the pros and been cut for three consecutive years. 'I'm going to make it onto the Cowboys this year. I haven't been this sure of anything since I was 17. Mark my words: I'm going to be playing out there right alongside those straight guys, just like all the other gay players people don't realize they're cheering for every week.'

Following their synchronized emergence this week after gestating underground since 1996, a colossal swarm of 17-year cicadas were horrified today to learn about the events of September 11, 2001. Holy shit, are you serious? said one member of the East Coast brood of winged insects, expressing its continued shock and horror about the coordinated terrorist attacks that claimed the lives of 3,000 people. They just flew the planes right into the fucking buildings? Man, oh, man. People must have just been completely freaking out. Christ, I know I would have been. At press time, the 17-year cicadas were beginning to express serious doubts about how two structures supported by reinforced concrete and steel beams could just collapse like that.

Fairfax resident and Save-A-Child sponsor Gene Anderson withheld his monthly $18 contribution from his Zimbabwean child, Mtumbe Chigumbura, in order to teach him a lesson in responsibility. Chigumbura 'The boy has to understand that life isn't always going to be peaches and cream,' Anderson said. 'Mtumbe may feel flush now, but a little guidance with fiscal responsibility seems to be in order.' Mtumbe, 12, lives in an orphanage in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe's second largest city. He has been in the orphanage since he was nine after both of his parents succumbed to the AIDS virus. Anderson's decision to withhold his monthly sponsorship was sparked by the adolescent's reckless, spendthrift actions, as evidenced in Mtumbe's recent letters. 'Dear Mother and Father Anderson,' the most recent letter read, 'Thank you once again for your generous gift. I was able to get my [immunization] shots and enough milk and flour to feed myself and to buy some new clothes for school. Because milk was cheaper this month, I had a little money left over and was able [to buy materials] to fix my football, or, as you call it in America, soccer ball.' 'I don't expect him to know everything about money, what with out of control inflation forcing his country back towards a barter system' Anderson said. 'But if Mtumbe wants to better his lot in life, he needs to start socking a little away for the future, not wasting it on every little fancy and childish whim.' Added Anderson: 'I was under the impression that this was a hand-up, not a hand-out.' Mentions of impulse purchases in previous letters, amid overflowing gratitude, first triggered Anderson's concern with the child's spending habits. These purchases included HIV medication for an uncle and a new crutch for a fellow orphan, who is an amputee. Gene Anderson and wife, Jean, hope Mtumbe will see the big picture and 'quit mussing around' for Pete's sake. 'I could see that Mtumbe was a little free with his money, and I let it slide, probably for too long in retrospect,' said Anderson. 'If I continue to let him get away with this kind of thing, the next thing I know he's got a glue problem.' Anderson also plans on suggesting that Mtumbe invest the money that he has left at the end of each month. 'Mtumbe should at least open a savings account. Things might not always be as good as they are now,' said Anderson. 'I know there are banks in Africa. I get emails from them all the time,' added Anderson. Anderson, father of University of Vermont junior Kara Anderson, is no stranger to doling out this kind of lesson. 'Mtumbe's spree reminds me of when Kara went a little crazy at the campus store with her emergency credit card,' said Anderson. 'A few lonely weekends in her dorm room after I froze accounts really taught Kara the value of a dollar. I suspect that this little situation with Mtumbe will have similar results.' Anderson hopes that this example, in addition to teaching the orphan how to manage his money, will inspire some ambition in Mtumbe. 'I understand boys will be boys, but if he wants a little fun money, he should get a part-time job delivering papers or clearing land mines,' said Anderson. 'Believe me, you enjoy the little extras in life all the more if you feel like you've earned them.' Anderson said he will always be there for Mtumbe, but that it is his responsibility to teach him how to pull himself up by his bootstraps. This, of course, is contingent on Mtumbe showing enough forethought to save for boots.

After asking why the United States was in Afghanistan in the first place, 18-year-old U.S. Army Pvt. Josh McCombs received a frank description of the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, from Master Sgt. Todd Brinkman, 33, between raids on Taliban insurgents Tuesday. Turns out, the little shaver was only 7 back then, and his folks didn't want him to see the horrible pictures on TV, the commanding officer later told reporters. Then Pvt. McCombs asked: If 9/11 happened more than 10 years ago, why are we here now? And thats when I told him to stop asking questions and just follow orders. McCombs was last seen explaining 9/11 to his fellow young infantrymen, who all reportedly asked the same follow-up question McCombs did.

In a miracle that defies statistical probability, Corey Muntner, 18, reported Monday that he found his soulmate, Tammy Gaska, right in his very own hometown of Peshtigo. Muntner and his one true love. 'They say God puts one special person on this planet who is your one true love,' said Muntner, who has left Marinette County twice in his life, both times for marching-band competitions in nearby Menominee. 'It's incredible, but I somehow found mine right here in the town where I've always lived. If that's not fate, I don't know what is.' Muntner, a 2001 graduate of Peshtigo High School, met Gaska, currently a junior at the school, in November 1999 in the student parking lot. 'I was hanging out by my car with my buddy Bryan, and this really hot chick comes walking up,' Muntner said. 'She asks us for a smoke, and I give her one of my Camels. So Bryan, who's a good guy but kind of a goober, says, 'What are you doing Saturday night?' She says, 'Nothing with you.' Then, for some reason, I say, 'How about me?' and she smiles and says, 'Sure.'' 'That girl's name, you ask?' Muntner continued. 'Tammy Gaska.' Relationship experts estimate that the chances of meeting someone in your lifetime that you fully connect with on a spiritual, intellectual, and physical level are one in 2.3 billion, making the geographic proximity of the soulmates nothing short of astonishing. 'How often does a person find their one true love at all, much less in the tiny rural Wisconsin town where they grew up?' Muntner said. 'That's why me and Tammy are still going out even though she gave Danny [Corvo] a hand job in the Copps [Food Center] freezer a few months ago. You just don't give up on true love.' Muntner said he very nearly did not meet Gaska, making their union all the more incredible. 'When I was in 10th grade, my dad got a job offer in Manitowoc, and we almost moved,' Muntner said. 'If he'd taken the job, I would have never met Tammy. It's pretty scary to think about how close that was to happening. Obviously, somebody up there wanted us to be together.' Muntner said he knew almost immediately that he and Tammy were 'so meant to be together.' 'I could tell on the first date that Tammy was Mrs. Right,' Muntner said. 'When she told me she wanted to eat at Schussler's Supper Club, I was like, 'That's my favorite place in town!' What are the odds that out of Peshtigo's five restaurants, we'd both like the same one?' While many of his friends have had to search the state, country, or at least somewhere outside a three-mile radius to find 'The One,' Muntner said he is doubly blessed that Gaska lives a mere four blocks away. 'My friend Rodney [Auer] has a girlfriend who lives all the way over in Oconto Falls,' Muntner said. 'Sometimes, he doesn't get to see her all week if something is wrong with his truck. I don't think I could stand to be away from Tammy for that long.' Muntner, who prior to meeting Gaska had dated only two girls, one for five weeks and the other for two months, said he is amazed that he was able to find the perfect person so quicklyand in a town of only 3,400 people. 'Tammy is really special.' Muntner said. 'Most people who marry someone from their hometown just settle for whatever's around. I'm glad I didn't have to do that.'

According to a report released Monday by Boston University's School of Lifestyle Management, more than 180 trillion leisure hours were lost to work in 2004. A Detroit resident spends valuable leisure hours at an auto plant. 'The majority of American adults find work cutting into the middle of their daysexactly when leisure is most effective,' said Adam Bernhardt, the Boston University sociology professor who headed the study. 'The hours between 9 a.m. and 6 p.m. are ideally suited to browsing stores, dozing in front of the television, and finishing the morning paper. Daytime hours are also the warmest and sunniest of the day, making them perfect for outdoor activities. Unfortunately, most Americans can't enjoy leisure during this time, for the simple reason that they're 'at work.'' In addition to surveying 12,000 citizens nationwide, researchers studied data from seven different government agencies. Deborah Kletter, an expert in the field of rest and relaxation, emphasized the pervasive nature of the problem, which she said affects 96 percent of employable Americans year-round. 'Week after week of potential relaxation time is squandered to jobs, with millions of would-be leisurers prohibited from sleeping in, working on hobbies, or taking trips,' said Kletter, executive director of the Five-To-Nine Foundation. 'An average employed person's ability to stroll aimlessly around his town and 'do whatever' is basically nonexistent 49 weeks out of the year.' Kletter said there is a vast disparity between the U.S. and Europe, where a strong leisure ethic is taught during youth. 'Americans simply can't keep up with the European leisure force,' Kletter said. 'In such fields as suntanning, skiing, and cooking elaborate meals that can be eaten over the course of an entire evening, Europe has us beat.' The report's internals reveal that full-time workers are hit hardest, with part-time workers coming in a close second, and freelancers marking a distant third. A group of friends enjoy some rare leisure hours in Sunnyvale, CA. 'Ironically, the unemployed fared the best in this report,' Kletter said. 'One of the questions that remains unanswered, unfortunately, is how jobless citizens' high number of available leisure hours somehow fails to translate into overall happiness.' Bernhardt and Kletter found that employed persons do find one small but regular opportunity for leisure. 'In general, Saturdays and Sundays were unaffected by work,' Kletter said. 'Unfortunately, this fact does little more than underscore the fact that a serious problem exists five out of seven days of the week.' The loss of leisure-related revenue is another factor to consider, Kletter said. 'Leisure-time reduction is costing America billions of dollars in weekday concert-ticket revenue, airfare, and violin lessons,' Kletter said. 'I don't understand why the government hasn't already stepped in.' Kletter said that, 'on the bright side,' many Americans have learned to reclaim leisure time through aggressive multi-tasking. 'Americans have an impressive ability to do several things at once,' said Kletter, who compiled the at-office leisure figures. 'Enterprising workers managed to shop online, have long-distance telephone conversations with friends, and stare at their cubicle walls for hours. Those findings are very encouraging.' Bernhardt and Kletter acknowledged that their report was responsible for the loss of nearly 2,000 leisure hours.

A capacity crowd of 18,000 sports fans erupted into wild cheers and applause Thursday when a thing traveled through another thing. The thingwhich was sent into the air in a last-ditch attempt to score as time expired, and which went through the other thing as a loud sound marked the end of the gamewas watched intently by everyone in the building. Replays of the thing traveling through the thing were shown repeatedly, in slow motion, and from multiple angles, leaving no room for doubt that the first thing had correctly cleared the second. 'That was amazing,' said Jarrod Mancuso, 27, who was rooting very hard for the thing to go through the thing. 'I have never been part of something that exciting in my life. When I get older I can tell my kids I was there when [a thing went through the opening of another thing].' 'It was a miracle,' he added. Sources confirmed that if the thing had gone too far right or left of the thing, or had clanged off the thing and not gone directly though it, the members of the crowd would have had the complete opposite reaction. 'This is what sports is all about!' said jubilant longtime thing fan Kyle Shroyer, who remarked on how amazing it was to be present when a thing was successfully propelled through the other thing at the last minute to ensure a victory. 'It doesn't get any better than this!' During the competition, members of both teams had put the thing through the thing an equal number of times, with normal to above-average fanfare. However, the very last time the thing went through the thing the cheers were deafening. Following a lengthy celebration, many in attendance admitted that while they had prayed to God for the thing to go through the thing, they realistically felt it had no chance, considering the unusual distance the thing had to travel, the number of people trying to stop it from going through the thing, what a rare thing it was for a team to even attempt to score with the thing at that range from the thing, and how difficult a thing it must be for a player to get the thing through the thing with so much pressure to do such a difficult thing. Sources said that because the thing went through the thing in such a dramatic fashion, they now believe their team is destined to continue putting the thing through the thing until it receives a trophy for being the best at doing so. 'This is our year, baby!' said Matt Pally, 32, adding that the player who received the thing from his teammate, advanced it, and sent it on a thing-entering trajectory is a hero. 'We're No. 1!' Though many in the building were ecstatic about the thing's outcome, some individualsparticularly those wearing different-colored clothes from the majority of fans in attendancehad not wanted the thing to go through the thing at all. Many of these fans told reporters they had hoped the thing would be taken from the possessing team, or at least struck in the complete opposite direction so that it headed toward the thing on the opposite end of the playing surface. Visibly disappointed sources confirmed the sight of the thing going through the thing not only angered them, but caused their hearts to sink. 'This bullshit always happens to us,' said 33-year-old Amy Ondas, adding that her team's coach should be fired, and that the organization needs to make some serious changes in the offseason. 'It's a pretty easy game when you think about it. Stop one fucking thing from going through the other fucking thing. That's what these guys are paid to do.'

Clad in his pajamas, fuzzy slippers, and floppy nightcap, mustachioed 1930s comedian Max Ruckle announced Sunday night that he had finally gotten the best of his new houses stubborn Murphy bed. That oughta do the trick, Ruckle said after a prolonged 45-minute struggle with the malfunctioning bed, during which he repeatedly stomped on its mattress in an attempt to keep it down and became frantic each time it suddenly sprung upward and trapped him inside the wall. Beds trying to make a monkey out of me, eh? Well, it takes a lot more than a pile of springs to outwit ol Max Ruckle! Sources confirmed the sleepy Ruckle then blew out the flame from his candlestick and jumped into bed, immediately causing the walls of his house to collapse outward in all four directions.

President Clinton is strongly denying special prosecutor Kenneth Starrs claim that he has a receipt proving that on July 11, 1994, Clinton rented Night Eyes 2 and Night Eyes 3, two mature-audiences-only erotic thrillers starring former Playboy Playmate Of The Year Shannon Tweed. According to Starr, the receipt, unearthed during a year-long Justice Department probe of D.C.-area video stores, clearly proves that the president not only rented these two films, but, even more damning, did so on the same night. That is over three hours of steamy adult fare enjoyed in one single viewing by the president. In the wake of the findings, Starr is ordering the store where the films were rented to hand over all receipt records dating back to 1992 to discern whether Clinton may have also rented Night Eyes, the first installment in the series, starring Tanya Roberts. Starr also ordered the Justice Department to hand over recently surfaced White House cable-tap recordings that are purported to contain over 40 hours of Spice Channel pay-per-view. Tweed has refused to comment on the crisis.

In spite of winning an $18-million Powerball jackpot in 1998, William Berringer, 39, insisted on returning to his line-cook job at Nelson's Steak House Tuesday. 'Winning all that money didn't change me,' Berringer said. 'I'm still the same Bill Berringer that I was before I hit the jackpot, then proceeded to spend it all on partying, bad stocks, and a Jamaican condominium.' Berringer added that he hopes everyone at work will treat him the same way they always did, or at least the ones who were there when he quit his job the day after he won the jackpot.

Saying that the speech remained as vibrant and important to them now as it was 15 years ago, members of University of Virginias class of 1998 reported this week that they continue to regularly draw inspiration, reassurance, and inner strength from the commencement address delivered by Governor Jim Gilmore. Class members told reporters that they still become awestruck and overcome with emotion whenever they reflect on Gov. Gilmores stirring message of responsibility, resourcefulness, and charity. According to the UVA alumni, the lessons they gleaned from the speech continue to inform each decision they make, with all unanimously agreeing that Gilmores words have, every single day since graduation, motivated them to lead better lives. I still get chills thinking of all the things Jim Gilmore said to us that day, said class of 98 graduate Michael Kellogg, stating that he typically recalls Gilmores exhortation to become an active, well-rounded member of society between 10 and 20 times per day. Whenever Im facing a difficulty in my life or just feeling down, I simply close my eyes and think back to Jim Gilmore standing up on that podium and telling us, In a world filled with limitations of one kind or another at every turn, it is very important for all of us to seek and find better and better ways to define excellence and then to achieve it. When you hear words as eloquent, original, and profoundly moving as those, it changes your life forever. Everything Ive doneeverything I amis because of Jim Gilmores speech, Kellogg added. The 1998 UVA graduates told reporters that they consider the onetime Virginia attorney generals address on the values of self-reliance and public service among the greatest moments in their lives. Saying they would never forget Gilmores indelible words, the former students asserted that such maxims as success comes from hard work and mental discipline and do not become self-absorbed and interested only in gaining wealth were undoubtedly the most cherished and influential pieces of counsel they had ever received. Members of the 1998 class also confirmed that the former Henrico County prosecutors advice had only grown more valuable in the last decade and a half. According to the alumni, Gilmores calls to make the world a better place served as a profound awakening for all of them, opening their eyes for the first time to their own immense potential while also fostering deep personal growtha growth that they acknowledged has only continued as they discover more nuance and insight in the speech with each passing year. In addition, sources said they routinely reminisce with classmates about Gilmores lighthearted yet poignant stories concerning his own experiences as an undergraduate at UVA, with many admitting that they frequently quote entire sections of the speech verbatim in their daily lives and others acknowledging that they have adopted many of Gilmores inspirational phrases as their own personal credos. Once we learned that Jim GilmoreGovernor Jim Gilmorewould deliver our commencement speech, we had extremely high expectations, but he completely blew them out of the water, said alumna Marsha Powell, noting that she and her fellow graduates still regularly encourage one another to continue striving for greatness, just as the one-term Virginia governor wanted of them. Everyone in our class can point to his speech as the exact moment when we knew we could achieve our dreams, stand on our own two feet, and better mankind. That speech has become a part of who we are, not just as UVA alums, but as human beings. Sometimes Ill run into another 98 grad and well just look at each other and say Gilmore, Powell continued. And thats all we have to say. Just that name alone means everything. The roughly 3,600 class members agreed that they were tremendously fortunate to have heard the one-time Benedetti, Gilmore, Warthen and Dalton law partner speak that day, describing his address as a timeless fount of wisdom and proudly asserting that they would hand down Gilmores sage advice on civic involvement to their children and grandchildren. A friend of mine who graduated from Portland State University that same year had Bill Clinton at her commencement, but I cant imagine anything could compare to the speech that Jim Gilmore gave, said Eric Sheffield, who added that he rarely goes more than two or three days without rereading the transcript of Gilmores speech he keeps pinned above his desk as a source of inspiration and courage. I honestly dont know where I would be today if it werent for his advice that we work to make the world a better place. Thats a powerful, unforgettable message for which I am eternally grateful and indebted. As Jim Gilmore himself said, Your education, your liberty, and your duty all go hand in hand, Sheffield continued, his eyes welling up with tears. And you know what? They do. They really, really do.

Sources reported Monday that 'Smooth,' the 1999 collaborative effort of guitarist Carlos Santana and singer-songwriter Rob Thomas, has somehow persevered against all odds and continued to receive regular radio airplay this week. 'While the projections of most experts suggested 'Smooth' would fade from the national consciousness within its first year, the song has actually proved surprisingly resilient over time,' noted musicologist Sidney Brown said of the No. 1 single's inexplicable staying power. 'Though it seems not to have any musical or cultural relevance whatsoever, many people, myself included, find themselves humming the track's guitar lick at least once every other week.' At press time, the triple-platinum, Latin-tinged rock record was heard emanating from an estimated 780,022 open car windows and 2,300 department store sound systems.

The Miami Dolphins' magical ride continued on Sunday, as the worse-to-worst-to-somewhat-better team celebrated a loss by only one point to the lowly Houston Texans, taking its record to 2-3. 'What a ride,' said Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter, who stayed in Reliant Stadium long after the near-victory to bask in the moment. 'No one believed that we could be 2-3. No one. After all we went through last year, to win twice already and almost win another? We're blessed, truly blessed, right now. We're really coming together almost as often as not, and it seems like everything we try to do nearly works. Wow.' Porter also expressed his love for the Dolphins' fans, saying no one deserved a 2-3 team more than Miami.

In the wake of the launch of 'Doritos 3-Ds,' Frito-Lay is experiencing a sharp decrease in sales of its original two-dimensional Doritos. 'The public has gone wild for our revolutionary three-dimensional chips, which, in addition to the usual length and width, also possess depth,' Frito-Lay spokesman Isaac Toomer said. 'So wild, in fact, they have lost interest in traditional monoplanar snack chips.' Toomer said Frito-Lay is now developing a highly theoretical 'Funyuns 4-D.' 'One day, people everywhere will enjoy crispy, extratemporal Funyuns that intersect with an infinite number of parallel universes,' Toomer said. 'It will be a whole new world of non-Euclidean snacking.'

Joyously celebrating after his hometown team defeated the Kansas City Royals to clinch the championship, local 2-year-old Daniel Balane admitted to reporters Wednesday night that he never thought he would actually see the San Francisco Giants win a World Series in his lifetime. Ive waited my whole life for the Giants to win the World Series, and its just so surreal to actually see it finally happen, said the 2-year-old toddler, adding that as far back as he can remember, the Giants have only been a mediocre National League team that couldnt even make the playoffs. Deep down, I always held out some hope that it could eventually happen, but after waiting for so long, you start to think theyll just never get over the hump. So, when they finally won tonight, all that pent-up emotion just came pouring out. I still dont think its fully sunk in yet. I mean, we did itwere world champs! Balane went on to say that the Giants playoff run was the most exciting hes witnessed since watching the San Francisco 49ers make it to the NFC Championship Game all the way back in 2013.

With Hurricane Sandy pounding New York City with powerful winds and a dangerous storm surge Monday, emergency workers were mobilized quickly to evacuate 20 colossal morons from the M&Ms World store in Times Square. When our first responders found amid the storm several largely oblivious idiots sampling various colors of the milk-chocolate candy and posing for pictures with a large statue of the green female M&M character, we recognized we had to do everything in our power to bring them to safety, New York City Office of Emergency Management commissioner Joseph F. Bruno said of the tubby fucking dimwits clad in Lion King hats and shirts, several of whom were said to have initially resisted the rescue attempt because they had not yet purchased an M&M plush doll. Fortunately, we were able to relocate each one of these staggering dopes, as well as most of the American Girl Place bags they were clutching, to a more secure location. At press time, emergency personnel were working to locate any remaining dummies by pounding on the doors of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.

With Congress once again turning its attention to health care reform, millions of uninsured Americans made their hoarse and sickly voices heard Monday when they left their hospital beds, assisted living facilities, and piles of rejected medical claims behind to march extremely slowly on Capitol Hill. 'The time for universal health care is now,' limping demonstrator Vicki Dowbenko said to the crowd as it stopped to catch its breath 500 feet into the three-mile march. 'We will not stand by as owwww, unggghh.' Congressional leaders have reportedly agreed to meet with rally organizers as soon as a wheelchair ramp large enough to accommodate them all is built in the Capitol.

Alex Vartan, 24, a Louisville-area convenience-store cashier and part-time DJ, spends 20 percent of his income ironically, sources reported Monday. Vartan in his irony-filled apartment. 'I know I should really try to sock away some cash, but there's just so much funny shit out there,' Vartan said. 'Like, just yesterday, I passed by this Christian bookstore, and in the window they had those statues of Jesus playing basketball and a bunch of other sports with little kids. Now, how are you supposed to pass something like that up?' Though his job as a cashier doesn't provide much in the way of disposable income, Vartan spends roughly one-fifth of his $21,000-a-year salary on such ironic items as Future Farmers of America jackets, Successories posters, and Knight Rider lunchboxes. Vartan's love affair with irony-based shopping began in high school, when he bought a used sitting bath at a hospital surplus sale. 'I just thought it would be funny to use it for a chair,' Vartan said. 'Plus, it was only $3. At a garage sale a few days later, I found a bunch of copies of 'The Super Bowl Shuffle' for a dime apiece, and I gave them all out to my friends for Christmas. From that point on, I was hooked.' The habit grew worse in the spring of 1996, when Vartan discovered eBay. 'Man, that blew my mind,' said Vartan, who combs the popular auction site for ironic items almost daily. 'I couldn't believe the amazing stuff you could find on there. Like, about a month ago, I found this bootleg Wendy's employee-training video from the mid-'80s where this black kid does this how-to-cook-the-burgers rap. I shit you not.' A typical trip to the supermarket for Vartan involves the purchase of at least one ironic foodstuff, such as Frank's Kraut Juice or Uncle Sam's cereal. When he returns home, he often pops open a can of Schlitz beer and unwinds with his prized laser-disc copy of Leonard Part 6 or a book of Lockhorns comic strips. A small sampling of Vartan's possessions. Even when his financial situation is dire, Vartan has a hard time resisting ironic purchases. 'Last June, I found a $20 bill on the street,' Vartan said. 'I was totally psyched, because I was seriously hurting for cash at the timeI think I had, like, $5.85 in my checking account. I was going to put it in the bank, but on the way home I saw this shirt in the window of Ragstock that said, 'It's Not A Beer Belly, It's A Gas Tank For A Sex Machine.' Of course, I got the shirt and lost seven pounds that month because I ate nothing but rice and beans, so it was even more ironic.' Though he tends to gravitate toward pop-culture artifacts from the '70s and '80s, Vartan has recently taken to investing in contemporary items that he speculates will have future kitsch appeal. 'I spent $200 on a rare movie poster for the Italian version of The Adventures Of Pluto Nash,' Vartan said. 'I emptied out my bank account to get the money, and then I had to call the electric company and make up some excuse why I couldn't pay them this month. That kinda sucked, but it's gonna be worth it in a few years when Pluto Nash is recognized as a classic on par with Battlefield Earth and Showgirls.' Despite his misgivings, Vartan said he does not have any immediate plans to change his spending habits. 'I know I really should save for my future, but it's almost impossible with all the great crap you come across,' Vartan said. 'If I ever do manage to save enough money, though, I'd love to get a house in Celebration, FL, that freako Disney-planned community near Orlando. That place sounds so unbelievably weird and depressing, it'd be hilarious.'

The nation looked on in reverence Friday as 20,000 citizens were decapitated, dismembered, and burned alive in the name of Corporate America, continuing the age-old annual rite to ensure bounteous profits in the coming fiscal year. 'Corporate America has always provided us with plenty,' said High Priest James N. Cahill, who opened the ceremony by plunging the horn of a bull into a fair-haired child's abdomen and using the freshly spilled blood to write the current value of the Dow Jones Industrial Average upon sacred parchment. 'JPMorgan Chase, General Electric, and all in the great pantheon of publicly traded entities will continue to watch over us so long as we appease them each year with human lives.' 'The prophecies are clear,' Cahill continued. 'As we utter the hallowed incantations and make our humble sacrifices of flesh, so shall the shelves of retailers overflow with the most desirable consumer products.' The blood offering follows last week's Feast of Increasing Market Values, a yearly celebration during which Americans gather with their families under the second Q4 full moon to give thanks to corporations and to pray for cash dividends during the holiday shopping season. The grand foyer of one of the nation's great corporate overlords, to whom tribute was bountifully paid this week. In accordance with tradition, Friday's ritualhosted this year by the Greater Wilmington Convention Centerincluded stonings in honor of Monsanto, the drowning of elders on behalf of Ford, and live flayings in the name of Whole Foods. 'A joyful noise filled the hall as the priest pulled the first virgin's heart from her chest and recited the ancient, mystical section 102(a)(3) of the Delaware General Corporation Law,' said 44-year-old disciple David Infantes, recalling the blasts from plastic horns donated by Wells Fargo that accompanied a young girl's lifeless body rolling down the altar steps. 'In that moment, I pledged my soul anew to our blessed Corporate Overlords, increasing profits be upon them.' By many accounts, the highlight of the evening took place when the 500 Shareholder Guardians, wearing robes adorned with logos of the nation's top-ranked businesses and chanting optimistic revenue projections, used their companies' balance sheets to ignite the alcohol-soaked vestments of the 'cursd and damnable' children born the day Lehman Brothers collapsed. 'To quick profits on high-risk, short-term investments of other people's money!' the assembled masses shouted in unison. 'Quick and easy profits for all eternity!' The ceremony drew to a close as the High Priest bathed in the accumulated blood on the altar and cleansed himself in the Font of Gross Receipts, symbolically rinsing the corporate world of undesirable red ink and granting it immunity from disclosure of negative earnings. Though the ceremony's origins are shrouded in mystery, most scholars agree on its historical success, noting that the yearly killings have coincided with an exponential growth in corporate earnings over the past two centuries. Recently, however, some high-profile academics have suggested the practice is flawed, citing the recent economic malaise as evidence. 'We're stuck in the Dark Ages if we still believe some elaborately choreographed, archaic ritual has any impact on today's dynamic multinational corporations,' New York University professor Nouriel Roubini said on CNBC this week. 'If we really want Corporate America to restore our prosperity, then we have to own up to the facts, face reality, and kill every last one of our firstborn sons with our own bare hands.' 'It was a great honor for my daughter to be chosen by a company as esteemed as Best Buy,' said ceremony attendee Mark Granaldi, who, as a family member of one of the sacrificed, received a complimentary gift bag that included Crest whitening strips, a $25 Hess gas card, Old Navy board shorts, and a tote bag bearing the trademark of Merck. 'Just as the flames rose from her body toward heaven, so too shall Best Buy's stock price climb ever higher.' At press time, Corporate America had conferred upon its devout followers the blessings of several new Doritos flavors and a sacred promise to release a deluxe unrated edition of Salt, starring Angelina Jolie, on Blu-ray.

Flushed with anticipation and ready to emerge from another long, cold winter, millions of Americans participated this week in the annual tradition of trimming their pubic regions in time for Valentine's Day. A ritual as old as time itself, this year's pubis-shearing is expected to be among the largest in decades, with more than 20,000 tons of curly clippings predicted to fall by Feb. 14. 'My boyfriend and I are going to see As You Like It and then enjoy a nice candlelit three-course dinner,' said Brooklyn resident Lydia Simonson, who along with many other hopeful lovers will soon excuse herself from her daily duties, retreat to a nearby bathroom, and carefully tend to the area around her genitalia. 'It's going to be so romantic!' Indeed, tiny scissors and electric razors have already begun to fly off drugstore shelves, while all across the country legs are dangling precariously over open bathtub drains. According to statistics from the National Depilatory Council, the week before Valentine's Day is by far the busiest time of the year for shaving, trimming, sculpting, playful pattern-making, waxing, and even manscaping. 'David and I are going to take a long walk around the park and then maybe on the way home we'll stop and grab some ice cream,' said Julie Stibbons, a Dallas-area design consultant who recently made use of grooming shears, a pair of tweezers, and two magnifying mirrors to contribute her 0.4 ounces to the nation's total raw tonnage. 'I wonder if David will send me flowers at work like last year.' Added Stibbons, whose smooth vaginal region will show no signs of stubble for days to come, 'He's just so wonderful.' While this year promises to be prolific, experts said the country has gone through many personal grooming phases over the years. In 1947, the first year records were kept, Americans only mowed about 1.25 tons off their 'crotch lawns,' while in the mid-1970s private trimmings were so rare that documentation was actually abandoned until 1981. But with the booming economy of the 1990s, the U.S. saw a significant resurgence in preValentine's Day shearing and plucking. 'There's a huge spike every year in the first half of February,' said Brooks Watson, who is head of sales at Schick, makers of the TrimStyle razor for women. 'The rest of the year, Americans generate about 50,000 tons of total trimmings, but in the week before this special holiday we see a massive jump. It's a veritable clear-cutting down there.' 'Bzzzzzzzz,' he added. 'Timber!' According to Schick's marketing research, during the Valentine's season, U.S. pubic hair removal rates briefly approach those of Brazil, traditionally the smoothest country on the planet. While Americans seem willing to chop it all off for their annual celebration of romance, personal trimming still varies by season, and plummets to levels almost as low as Greece's during the week of Thanksgiving. 'If I trim the shrubs, the tree looks bigger,' said Jeremy Wertz of Boise, ID, standing in front of his hall mirror with a pair of scissors taken from his employer's supply closet. 'See? Worth the itching, if you ask me.' While many consider the practice a time-honored tradition, not all Americans share Wertz's enthusiasm. 'I'm not going to let corporate America dictate the date or time at which I choose to groom my genitals,' said Denver resident Marcus Shannon, adding that Valentine's Day was 'invented by the razor industry' to sell grooming devices. 'If you really love somebody, you should shave your pubes year-round.' Meanwhile, National Depilatory Council director Donna Spaulding said the sudden nationwide surge in follicular concern is understandable, but she urged caution. 'We all want to look good and feel desirable, but it's important to keep things in perspective,' Spaulding said. 'In the end, you want people to love your pubic region for what's inside, not just for how it looks.'

In one of the largest marketing coups in recent years, holiday cheerthe intangible spirit of goodwill towards man, peace on Earth, and warmth in the hearts of allwill now be sponsored by the Toyota Motor Corporation, sources reported Tuesday. One of 100 million greeting cards Toyota is sending out to the American public this Christmas season. The exclusive $30 million deal, which includes promotional tie-ins with the season's first snowfall and the smell of roasted turkey wafting gently through a warm and cozy home, was signed earlier this week by Toyota Motor Sales U.S.A. executive vice president James Lentz. 'We are very excited to be working with holiday cheer,' said Lentz, who called the look of wonder on a young child's face and the company's new line of durable trucks a 'natural pairing.' 'From now on, whenever anyone curls up in front of a crackling fireplace, or takes a moment to reflect on the importance of family, Toyota will be there.' Added Lentz: 'This truly is the most wonderful time of the year.' While many details of the deal are still unclear, Lentz said that the automotive company has been awarded endorsement rights to all affection and joy experienced during the month of December. Toyota will also be the chief sponsor of numerous holiday-related events, such as the untangling of Christmas lights while listening to Bing Crosby sing old seasonal classics, and the making or consuming of eggnog. Additionally, as is specified in the terms of the agreement, all sugar plum fairies will now be preceded by a 15-second Toyota ad before dancing inside consumers' heads. 'Landing holiday cheer was huge for us,' said Toyota marketing executive Rebecca Greer, moments after announcing that the 2008 Corolla would be the official car of sitting down with loved ones and reminiscing about years past. 'We got trapped in a bidding war with General Motors over the sound of carolers beneath an open window, but it was worth it in the end.' 'After all, yuletide spirit is everywhere you look,' Greer added. 'Or, I should say, 'Toyota Presents: Yuletide Spirit' is everywhere you look.' Toyota's marketing campaign has reportedly increased sales figures by 3 percent in the last week alone, and investors are hopeful that the deal will continue to spread the holiday message of generosity, compassion for others, superior handling on all luxury 4Runners, good tidings, antilock brakes on every SUV and year-end truck, and faith in your fellow man. 'We've enjoyed a steady increase in revenue since becoming a proud supporter of warming up with a hot cup of cocoa,' Toyota promotions director Kyle Williamson said. 'Plus, sponsoring that priceless smile on your wife's face Christmas morning will only open more potential growth markets to us.' Toyota is not the first company to make a cross-promotional deal with a popular indefinable entity, however. In 2002, Johnson & Johnson secured a partnership with a mother's unconditional love for her child, while Budweiser paired up with a teenager' s desire to escape feelings of social anxiety and confusion in 2005. Despite Toyota's initial success, many market analysts claim that the car company may have overpaid for its abstract product placement. 'This might have been a smart move in the 1950s, or even the '60s, when holiday cheer was still alive and well,' Car & Driver reporter and family black sheep Malcolm Jones said. 'But these days, Toyota could have gotten twice the exposure for half the cost had it sponsored holiday depression and ill will instead. And if they had been willing to buy out Lean Cuisine frozen meals' stake in postNew Year's resignation and apathy, the ad tie-ins could have extended well into January.' While only time will tell what effect the marketing subterfuge will ultimately have on consumers, Toyota's tactics have already angered a number of Americans. 'The holidays shouldn't be about consumerismthey should be about faith, and hope, and the simple pleasures in life,' Chicago resident Samantha Bryant said. 'Like the all-new Toyota Camry, for instance.'

Sasha Obama testified before the Senate Committee on Finance this week after it was revealed that the second-grader had collected more than $136 in undisclosed allowance payments over the past year. The first daughter responds to charges of hoarding taxpayer nickels. Sasha, who has been under fire from congressional leaders since her 2008 tax records were made public earlier this month, arrived at the Capitol to address accusations that she received dozens of federal dollars for completing the most basic of household chores. 'Ms. Obama, I've examined your records and what I've found sickens me,' said ranking committee member Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA), addressing the 7-year-old as she shifted nervously in her chair. 'How could you, during this time of economic turmoilduring this time of economic despairaccept nearly 50 cents for making your bed?' Added Grassley, 'Have you no shame at all?' The hearing, which lasted more than six hours, began shortly after 9 a.m. when Sasha was led into the courtroom by her mother, shown to her seat before the assembled senators, and asked to clearly state her full name into the microphone before her. After requesting that a telephone book be placed on the first daughter's chair, a visibly irritated Sen. Grassley outlined his charges. The 7-year-old's extravagant travel costs do not even include the candy she demands on her journeys These included Sasha's failure to declare the weekly earnings she took in for helping to wash the dishes at night; several oral contracts the child entered into, whereby she received small stipends of taxpayer money for finishing all of her homework; and, perhaps most damning of all, the gifts she is said to have accepted from lawmakers, Cabinet members, and aunts and uncles visiting the White House on her birthday. 'Although it is not clear how your accountant manipulated the tax code to hide your exorbitant income, I can assure you that this committee will find any loopholes or nefarious shelters that were used,' Senate finance chairman Max Baucus said. 'Believe me, Ms. Obama, you will suffer the harshest punishment available under the law.' Baucus went on to say that he was disgusted by the second-grader's 'ruthless greed, especially at a time when so many honest Americans have to go without.' According to witnesses, the chairman repeatedly demanded that Sasha respond to the charges before her and refrain from trying to dodge questions by playing with her pigtails, leaving to use the bathroom, and asking what 'personable accountafrility' means. 'The fact that you keep looking over to your mother to find out what to say suggests guilt on your part,' Baucus said. 'Well, young lady, I'm afraid you've run out of places to hide. The American people are finally going to get the explanation they deserve.' A report released by the watchdog group Citizens for Fiscal Responsibility criticized the first daughter's extravagant lifestyle, condemning her for traveling almost exclusively by limousines and residing in a plush 132-room mansion, all at the taxpayers' expense. 'This is a girl who held lavish tea parties while banks across the country were failing,' CFR spokesperson Linda Carlson said. 'At these galas, Ms. Obama would often entertain a number of her associates, including a so-called 'Mr. Fuzzles' and a 'Professor Peanut Butter.'' Added Carlson, 'We believe these were in fact code names for powerful Washington lobbyists.' Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT), who pressured Sasha to enumerate her expenses, estimated that the first daughter spent more than 20 percent of her earnings on opulent gowns for her dolls and on sour candy. The remaining funds were reportedly funneled into a large piggy bank the first daughter kept secret. While interrogating Sasha about her annual costs, the committee was also shocked to find that she did not contribute to food costs, transportation, or even rent. 'How do you explain that not a single tax record of yours exists prior to the year 2001?' said Hatch, who along with Finance Committee members approved $67 million for an official investigation of the young lady's blatant excess. 'Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. You will not walk away from this, Ms. Obama.' Still reeling from the controversy of having three of his Cabinet nominees investigated for owing back taxes, President Barack Obama attempted to distance himself from this latest situation. 'I'm sorry, but I barely know this woman,' Obama said during his testimony before the committee. 'Apart from a few conversations we've had in the past eight years, I'd say she's a complete stranger.'

Baseball experts agreed Thursday that the 2011 MLB season has become a year defined by pitching, hitting, and defense. When people look back on this season, what is really going to stand out is the pure offensive and defensive domination displayed by a talented group of batters, pitchers, and fielders who are playing at a professional level, said MLB Network analyst Peter Gammons, adding that baserunning, team chemistry, and baseball players have also been highlights of 2011. This season proves that if your club can simply outpitch, outhit, and out-field the other team, youre going to have a much better shot at competing. Experts said they expect this trend to continue for the foreseeable future, noting it does not seem likely a season dominated by base coaches is coming anytime soon.

In an effort to keep pace with its largely progressive customer base, Toyota Motor Corporation announced Monday that the 2012 line of Prius hybrid-electric vehicles would come equipped with a crude but functional reproductive system. 'It's the same fuel-efficient, environmentally friendly car that drivers love, but with the option of male or female sex organs,' said Toyota spokesman Veronica Bates, inviting reporters to examine the 85-pound vulva of a just-assembled female Prius, as well as the passenger-side vas deferens of its male counterpart. 'The new anatomy is seamlessly integrated into the car's design, which means there's little maintenance required except for occasional cleanup of a nocturnal emission or heavy-flow menstrual cycle.' Bates added that automated Fallopian tubes might be available as soon as 2014.

Driving up the narrow student-only entrance ramp and plowing over speed bumps as if they were sand dunes, Robert T. Everett High's Class of 2012 thundered through their school's parking lot Monday like the coalition forces storming Baghdad. 'You ready to rock, Big Ace?' said 17-year-old senior Brian Grady, removing his sunglasses as he addressed an Aropostale-shirt-wearing Curtis Jenner, who nodded his head while hanging out the sunroof of a Hyundai Tucson as if it were an armored M1151 Humvee blasting 'Welcome To The Jungle' into the arid desert air. 'Let's do this, Double Dutch.' At press time, the 117-strong force had sprung from their vehicles and breached the school's hallways on foot, equipped with their Jansport backpacks, lunch money, and a surge of adrenaline pounding through their veins.

Marveling at how dire things seemed in the relatively stable days of 12 years ago, Alan Gibson, 41, a local man of the year 2024, wistfully recounted on Wednesday the then-record temperatures recorded in the United States in 2012. 'To think that we were concerned about a 55.3-degree average is almost comical, but then, I guess at that point we must have still had some kind of perceivable ozone layer,' Gibson said fondly while reapplying the full-body coat of UV-resistant resin he and his fellow citizens of the 43 contiguous United States wear at all times. 'Today, you wouldn't think twice about a 96-degree day in the middle of February, but a mere decade ago you would look up at the skies waiting for snow. Christ, those were the days, man.' Gibson then recounted at length to reporters the story of how he and his family narrowly escaped the Eastern Seaboard during the abrupt and tragic events of March 2019.

Saying that late October through mid-April looks to be an incredibly tough stretch for them, league experts said Wednesday that the newly released 2013-14 NBA schedule does not bode well for the Phoenix Suns. The schedule isnt kind to Phoenix at allthey start off against the Trail Blazers at home, and then there are about 81 games there where theyll face teams that present some pretty tough matchups for them, said NBA On ESPN analyst Jalen Rose, also highlighting games against the Heat, Spurs, Thunder, Bulls, Rockets, Clippers, Warriors, Celtics, Cavaliers, Grizzlies, Pelicans, Nets, Knicks, 76ers, Magic, Wizards, Nuggets, Timberwolves, Jazz, Lakers, Kings, Bobcats, Raptors, Hawks, and Mavericks as incredibly difficult games for the Suns. The schedule gets a little easier during the All-Star break, but after that there isnt any let-up. When asked to comment on the schedule, Suns coach Jeff Hornacek said he has circled the teams 41 away games and 41 home games as contests that could pose significant tests.

For the first time in its nine-year history, Animal Planets annual Puppy Bowl will feature a coaching matchup between puppies from the same litter, with two 14-week-old Bernese Mountain Dog brothers calling the plays for Puppy Bowl IX, sources confirmed Thursday. Whether they want the attention or not, the battle of wits between Gunner and Zeus will be all anyones talking about come game day, said Jezebel editor Doug Barry, noting that the puppies, who were raised together on a rural Ohio farm, displayed a knack for strategy and barking orders from an early age. We already know these dogs are masters at moving the football chew toy down the fieldthe question will be how they respond to the combined pressure of sibling rivalry and performing on puppy footballs biggest stage. The two coaches, along with the 62 puppies under their command, will reportedly be available for adoption at animal shelters throughout the country following the game.

Citing a succession of tragedies that have darkened the majority of 2013, including the Boston Marathon bombing, the Bangladeshi garment building collapse, and yesterdays Oklahoma tornado, media outlets across the nation confirmed today that their end-of-the-year news slideshows are looking rather horrific so far. Were still in May, and this things already turning out to be a real soul-crusher, said CNN web producer Kim Benson of their websites 2013 Year In Photos feature, which is reportedly packed to the gills with horror and misery despite containing only five months worth of material so far. I mean, the Texas fertilizer plant explosion; the New Orleans Mothers Day Parade shooting; the continuing Syrian genocide; fucking Ariel Castro. This things a doozy already. And remember, its not even storm season yet and murder rates spike in the summer. At press time, sources confirmed we still had seven more months of this goddamned year.

Seeking to expand on two of their most beloved properties, 20th Century Fox executives have approved production on United 93 vs. Predator, a crossover film speculating what might have happened the morning of Sept. 11, 2001, if a team of self-cloaking alien hunters had also been aboard the doomed flight that crashed in Shanksville, PA. This film will ramp up the action and tension in the original United 93 by a factor of five, Fox vice president Adam Bronford promised Tuesday, adding that the films tagline will be We Dont Negotiate with Predators. In addition to terrorist hijackers, the passengers will face traveling carnivorous space chameleons who blend into their surroundings and pick off passengers one by one for their alien blood sport. We wont give out any spoilers, but its fair to say a planeload of brave, freedom-loving Americans will prove to be more than those Predators bargained for. If the film is a success, New Line Cinema will reportedly green-light the script for Freddy vs. Jason vs. New Years Eve on the Achille Lauro.

Passed over for a promotion at Barton Financial Services, little 22-year-old fuck Darren Meeker filed a lawsuit against the company Monday, claiming to be a victim of age discrimination. 'Just because someone has 20 years of experience, that doesn't automatically make him more qualified than my client,' said attorney Martin Lippman, who represents the whiny shit. 'In his first seven months on the job, Mr. Meeker has more than proven his potential.' The little prick was unavailable for comment.

A local 22-year-old has obtained a job at a website, sources confirmed Wednesday. I am eager to begin my career working at this website, said the white male in his 20s, who secured his position after graduating from a four-year educational program at an accredited university. This is an exciting industry. My job will allow me to use my technological skills in the workplace. According to preliminary reports, the 22-year-old is currently looking to rent an apartment in the major metropolitan area where the website is located.

The CIA has announced that 231 agents were killed Wednesday during a sensitive and highly overt operation overseas, the deadliest incident to strike the agencys Overt Ops program in nearly a month. Speaking in a televised press conference this morning, acting CIA director Michael Morell said the agents were shot dead while attempting to infiltrate the government of Turkmenistan, part of a widely publicized program of U.S. espionage there, the details of which remain unclassified. Today it is my somber duty to report that 231 heroic Americans have lost their lives in the Overt Ops mission we briefed you on earlier this week, Morell said of the agents, who reportedly made no attempt to blend into Turkmen society, spoke English openly, and greeted everyone they met on the ground with the words Hello, do you have any information for me? Their already well-known names, faces, and personal histories, which we posted on the CIAs website last month, will never be forgotten. These brave men and women died as they livedin plain sight, nakedly advancing the intelligence interests of their country without making any effort to conceal their intentions, Morell added. Multiple CIA press releases indicate the mission, code-named Operation Steal Secret Files From Turkmenistan At 9 A.M. March 6th And Then Catch The Next Flight Out Of The Country, involved hundreds of overt operatives pouring into public places all over the country. Once in position, they loudly informed locals that they were CIA agents, asked if any of them happened to be informants, and requested any information anyone might have on where to find the governments most sensitive internal documents. Live coverage of the operation carried by cable news networks, the BBC, and Al Jazeera showed Turkmenistans armed forces opening fire on dozens of CIA agents as they stood in city squares shouting anti-government slogans through bullhorns and distributing pamphlets critical of the ruling party. The victims, who all wore yellow field jackets with CIA printed in large letters on the back, were reportedly identified immediately by the unforged, completely authentic passports they each carried on their person. It was chaos down there, Overt Ops chief Stuart P. Braithwaite said today on CBS This Morning. The gunmen were shouting, Who are you? What is your purpose here? And our agents kept saying, Were Americans, were trying to undermine your government, we sent you several e-mails about this last week, didnt you get them? They repeated it in every language spoken in the region, but its as if the Turkmen troops werent even listening. Were hoping to avoid such miscommunications in the future by providing live updates on our blog and via Twitter, where you can follow us under the handle @OvertOpsUSA, he added. According to federal officials more than willing to speak on the record, agents in the Overt Ops program undergo years of rigorous training, are able to remain highly conspicuous in almost any situation, and can stand out in a crowd with ease. Confiscated from the teams hotel rooms following the massacre were detailed topographical maps indicating the location of Turkmenistans extensive natural gas reserves, several hundred kilograms of hard drugs in bundles labeled For Sowing Chaos in Ahal Province, and commemorative T-shirts printed in anticipation of a successful mission. In a statement issued Wednesday by the White House, President Obama praised the courage and sacrifice of the agents. The 231 Americans who gave their lives today must never be forgotten, and we must honor them by following the proud example they set, Obama said. Indeed, thats exactly what well be doing on Friday when we send Overt Ops to knock on the front door of Bashar al-Assads palace in Damascus and ask if anyone inside is interested in helping them orchestrate a coup.

Generously bestowing the kind of wisdom that only comes with age, worldly and venerable 27-year-old Matthew Owen took the time last night to offer his enlightened counsel to 24-year-old family friend Dennis Paige, sources confirmed Tuesday. Paige, who since graduating from the University of Minnesota in 2011 has struggled to find a full-time job or commit himself to any long-term plan, was reportedly taken aside by Owen for a candid one-on-one talk during which the elder man imparted just a sampling of the profound knowledge hes amassed from nearly five years in the real world. Listen, I remember feeling the same way when I was in my mid-20s, said the 27-year-old, drawing upon his abundant wealth of life experience. Believe me, when I was your age, I didnt know who I was or what I wanted to do either. Life is just something that takes a little while to figure out, you know? But eventually you get everything figured out, and then its all good. Take it from someone whos been there, added Owen, placing a supportive hand on the shoulder of the man three years his junior. As he offered his vast, seemingly limitless insight into the ways of the world, Owen reportedly advised the wide-eyed 24-year-old not to get too down on himself about the mistakes hes made or the difficulties he currently faces, assuring Paige that its natural for someone to take a few wrong turns at such an impressionable young age. The enlightened Owen, a 2008 college graduate, also said that while it may be hard for Paige to see the bigger picture right now, hell soon mature and begin to gain a broader perspective on things. Look at it this waya guy your age is standing at the beginning of a long journey, and sometimes its hard to see where youre going, said Owen, who has held a salaried position as a marketing associate at Duluths RGM Partners for the past 18 months. But when youve reached the end of that journey, as I have, you look back and realize just how nave you once were. The fact is, youre still very young, the prudent and world-wise 27-year-old continued, and you still have a few years left to find your way. Owen went on to say that sometimes you just have to be patient and let life take its course. He explained that for him, the pieces of the puzzle all fell into place back in 2011, when he landed his first full-time job. At that moment, he said, everything kind of clicked for him in terms of his career, his long-term personal goals, and his broader purpose in life. I know youre looking at me right now and thinking, Im never going to get to where he is, said Owen, who lives downtown in a two-bedroom apartment he shares with a roommate. But you will. I was once anxious and young like you are, and look how things worked out for me. Youll get there, bud, added the man born in 1986. Owen then chuckled, sources said, and admitted that he wished someone had told him all these things back when he was just starting out. Although he acknowledged he had not asked Owen for advice, Paige told reporters he was incredibly grateful the 27-year-old had taken the time to speak with him. I wasnt expecting it at all, but Im really glad Matt pulled me aside and shared some of his thoughts with me, the 24-year-old said. Its nice to hear from someone whos been through a lot of the things Im going through now, and to see how hes turned out. Its really helped me to think more clearly about my own future. Added Paige, When I look at him, I realize that if Im not careful I could turn into some kind of huge condescending prick in just three years.

In one of the most devastating tragedies in the history of the Academy Awards, 240 attendees were killed in a deadly stampede at Hollywoods Dolby Theater Sunday after a bucketful of Oscars was just dumped onto the stage, triggering a frenzied rush for the statuettes by every audience member in attendance. According to eyewitness accounts, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences President Howard Koch carried a large plastic tub filled with Academy Awards to the center of the stage halfway through the ceremony and wordlessly overturned the container, sending 120 of the highly prized trophies tumbling into a pile on the floor and causing screaming audience members to abruptly vault from their seats and charge toward the stage to reach the scattered Oscars. Sources confirmed that over 1,000 guests suffered serious injuries from the stampede of actors, directors, producers, screenwriters, makeup artists, costume designers, dates, and cinematographers. There was this moment or two of eerie silence right after he dumped out the Oscars, and then all hell broke loose, said actor Mark Ruffalo, bleeding profusely from a head wound and wincing in pain from an apparent dislocated shoulder. Christ, people just went crazy while scrambling to get those trophies. I saw people out therepeople Ive worked with and know welldo terrible things. Just terrible things. Im lucky to be alive, Ruffalo added. And lucky that I was able to get out of there with an Oscar for Best Production Design, too. Early reports have confirmed that Jack Nicholson, Amy Adams, George Clooney, Kate Winslet, Michael Douglas, Charlize Theron, Brave lead animator Austin Madison, Tom Wilkinson, and Jake Gyllenhaal were killed in the stampede of Hollywood elite. Mangled bodies believed to be those of Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe, Nicole Kidman, Tim Burton, Paul Giamatti, Rob Reiner, Helen Mirren, Ang Lee, and numerous others were also found but could not be positively identified at press time. While most of the fatalities were allegedly accidental, several eyewitnesses informed reporters that Sissy Spacek was, in fact, murdered. Sources confirmed that Spacek attempted to escape the bedlam with an Oscar in hand, but was cornered by the cast of Les Misrables and viciously beaten to death. No one was innocent tonight; everybody out there was storming that stage like their lives depended on it, said security guard Chris Brooks, who watched helplessly as his coworkers were overwhelmed by a rush of starlets blindly searching for the nearest statuette. The sounds of bones snapping in half and bloodcurdling screeches will definitely haunt me for the rest of my life. At one point, I turned around and saw Ron Howard, with this wild look in his eyes, strangling Lauren Bacall, Brooks continued. He was covered in blood and daring people to come at him. Its an image Ill never forget. Emergency medical responders who arrived at the traumatic scene said they were stunned not only by the sheer number of deceased A-list celebrities strewn about the auditorium, but also by the degree of emotional trauma suffered by those survivors who were unable to claim one of the free Oscars. Some of them came so close but just didnt quite make it, said paramedic Virginia Cox of the televised event, which early reports are indicating was the most watched Oscars telecast in history. Remember, many of these people had to trample beloved co-stars and crew members in order to reach the front of that stage, so to end the night empty-handed was doubly tragic for them. At press time, acclaimed director Steven Spielberg was reportedly last seen exiting the theater, struggling to carry approximately 57 Oscars in his arms.

Approaching the second half of her twenties with a college degree, a full-time job, and a wide circle of friends, local woman Amanda Laskys main goal in life still remains being a popular high school student, sources close to the 25-year-old confirmed. Lasky, who lives in an apartment and earns $50,000 a year, reportedly hopes to one day be the prettiest and coolest girl at Bristol Regional Higha 2,500-student public secondary school she attended from 2002 until 2006. Sure, Id love to hang out this weekend is a thought that often goes through Laskys head as she sits at work and imagines a future in which she is a well-liked high school sophomore with a busy social life. You guys could come here, or I could meet you wherever. I can also give people rides if they need it. Just dont invite too many people, though, continued Lasky, who is as committed to being a popular high school student now as she was when she was 14. It should only be us for now. According to reports, Laskys five-year plan consists of getting a promotion at work, having a serious relationship, and, most importantly, being a well-liked teenager whose locker is the one everyone hangs out at between class periods. In addition to being recognized in the hallway by Matt Schultz, Josh Dumont, and other members of the football team who played their last game together in 2005, Lasky dreams of one day receiving praise from fellow high school girls on her fashion, hair, and weight. Moreover, the woman who completed high school nearly 10 years ago said that she is determined to be a high school student who impresses Jackie and Taylor with her clear skin and flat stomach, which Laskys been working on every morning before her full-time job in the hopes of one day being invited to go shopping or hang out after school. Oh wow! You look so cute today! Andrea Lowden, a popular member of the student council told Lasky in one of many cherished encounters that the 25-year-old is hoping to have one day. That color is great on you. I definitely want one of those, but I can never find them for some reason. Probably because theyre sold out. Youll probably win Best Dressed, Lowden added before asking Laskya grown woman currently emailing her adult coworkers about an upcoming meetingif she wanted to hang out the next day. How are you getting to Marks on Saturday? I think he likes you. While aspiring to eventually be on Homecoming Court and having a life where she can focus on balancing cheerleading with being chair of the prom committee, Lasky acknowledged that she wants to date one of three people: J.D. Cronin, captain of the JV baseball team who just got his drivers license; Luke Matthews, a senior who would probably go out with Lasky, especially since he went out with Amanda Jefferies; or Kyle Hodge, who Lasky thinks is really cute and super funny in English class when he makes fun of Mr. Green. Reports confirm Lasky is currently dating 26-year-old Paul Conover. Maybe instead of going to prom in a limo we can just drive and meet people there, Lasky, who lost her virginity at a college party six years ago, said during an imaginary conservation with a teenage boy she hoped to have sex with for the first time. I know its not quite what you had in mind, but I think itll be really fun. Then afterwards we can just drive straight to Jesses parents lake house. Trust me, itll be really fun, added Lasky, who was currently booking tickets for an old college friends wedding. I really want to do this with you. At press time, Lasky was eating a salad during her lunch break because thats what Jackie and Taylor usually eat.

Stating that he has shed nearly 10 percent of his body weight this year and is now down to 250 pounds, local 36-year-old Michael Peters sadly revealed Monday that he is in the best shape of his life. Man, I feel great! said the still-obese man, whose health, depressingly enough, has reached an all-time peak, leaving him at high risk for heart disease, Type 2 diabetes, and many other serious conditions. Ive dropped 25 pounds, and for the first time in my adult life Im wearing pants with a 46-inch waist. Im back down to my college weight! At press time, Peters was reportedly sweating.

For the fifth straight year, Jordan McCabe will return home for the holidays and spend the night before Thanksgiving running into every smug and unlikable asshole he ever went to high school with, the 26-year-old reported Monday. The trip back home, scheduled for later this week, will reportedly bring McCabe face-to-face with an endless string of pricks from his past, each of whom he will have to engage in awkward conversation, and generally pretend to be happy about seeing again. 'They're all going to be there,' said McCabe, purchasing an Amtrak train ticket for Rochester, NY. 'Every last one of them, just as shitty and conceited and phony as ever.' 'I can't believe I'm going to see all those assholes again,' McCabe continued. Though he will initially intend to stay at home with his parents, grandparents, and other relatives, McCabe told reporters that after spending approximately five hours in their company, he will grow antsy, borrow his father's car, and drive to nearby Marleybone Pub. There, McCabe expects to bump into at least five insufferable assholes in the first three minutes. 'Guaranteed Ricky Cook will be there,' said McCabe, adding that there isn't much else to do in his hometown. 'And probably Vanessa Torres, and that dickhead Michael Schmidt. Yeah, Schimdt will definitely be there. Probably be hammered, too.' At Marleybone, McCabe will be required to partake in a number of unpleasant activities, including making small talk with several assholes who used to openly mock him during high school, and reminiscing about the 'good old days' of which he was never a part. While the consumption of alcohol will initially make the evening more tolerable, McCabe is ultimately expected to leave the bar after realizing he has just as little in common with all these assholes as he did when he was 15. 'Katie Reynolds will probably come up and give me a big hug like we're the best of friends, even though she never once talked to me during school, and pretty much acted like I was invisible the whole time,' McCabe said. 'Boy, I can't wait to hug that bitch again.' After leaving Marleybone, the 26-year-old predicts he will patronize Bud Murphy's Tavern, a favorite haunt for locals, where an even greater number of assholes are expected to congregate in even higher densities. Assholes such as Craig Horble, Kyle Davis, Vinny Iagosa, Brittany Pipitone, Justin Smigowski, Nick Casey, and Nick's asshole brother, Dennis. According to McCabe, all the assholes in attendance will look the same except for being 10 to 20 pounds heavier, and possibly sporting a new beard or goatee. However, that same old shit-eating grin will still be on all their faces, McCabe reported. If previous years are any indication, assholes who live in the area will not be the only ones out the night before Thanksgiving. Like McCabe, who since graduation has moved to New York, many Marshall High School alumni are expected to return from their new homes all across the country. 'I bet Bill Harding is going to show up and talk about his big lawyer job in San Francisco,' McCabe said. 'I can see it now: 'You know, hours are a real bitch. Money's good, though.' I've known that guy since fifth grade. He's always been an asshole.' Early reports indicate that the mingling of assholes will likely trigger a fight between the hours of 1 a.m. and 2 a.m., with a scuffle expected moments after two giant assholes argue over who rushed for more touchdowns during senior year. McCabe said that he usually tries to avoid any involvement in these fights, but nonetheless anticipates an elbow to his forehead or at the very least a spilled drink on his pants. '[Wayne] Maldonado just loves to run his mouth, especially when it comes to talking shit about people's girlfriends,' McCabe continued. 'He used to be kind of scary when we were all in school, but the guy is almost 30 now. I feel kind of bad for him.' Though he remains anxious about the inevitable fracas, McCabe explained that those experiences are usually counterbalanced with more pleasurable events, such as finding out which assholes now have kids. 'I heard Marissa Feely got knocked up this year,' he said. 'What is that? The third time?' The 26-year-old is not the only one dreading the upcoming week. Several Marshall High School alumni have expressed similar misgivings about running into former classmates on the night before Thanksgiving. 'I can't believe McCabe is coming back,' said local resident Ricky Cook. 'That guy's such a fuckin' asshole.'

While speaking with his mother over the phone Monday evening, sources confirmed that 27-year-old marketing coordinator Daniel Hewitt lied about every single detail of his life in order to keep his parents from worrying about him. Hewitt reportedly updated his mother with a litany of false information throughout the 18-minute conversation and, in an attempt to spare her from any distress, blatantly distorted the truth about his job, finances, social life, living situation, and overall level of happiness. Everythings good here, said Hewitt in the first of what would amount to over three dozen flat-out lies. Work has been going well. Its fun, and everyone at the office is really nice. Im learning a lot. I really love it out here, Hewitt continued. Its great. Hewitt, who moved this past September from Bloomington, IL to Boston for a new job, is said to receive a phone call from home about once a week and has reportedly struggled to adjust to his new surroundings, feeling increasingly lonely and isolated. However, sources confirmed that the man who regularly questions whether he made a poor decision by relocating across the country has yet to report even one negative aspect of his life to his parents. My apartments greatits nice and big, so I have plenty of room, said Hewitt, adding that his monthly rent is pretty reasonable and that he lives in a really safe area of the city. Yeah, the heat works well, Momits nice and warm in here. And if theres ever any problem, my landlord is very responsive and fixes things right away. So, what have you and Dad been up to these days? added Hewitt in a desperate attempt to steer the conversation away from himself. According to reports, in order to prevent his parents from fretting about his financial situation, Hewitt vaguely claimed to be making enough money and saving a little bit each month. The 27-year-old went on to stress that he was in no need of any extra finances and neglected to mention that he currently has less than $400 in his savings account. Hewitt, who has reportedly eaten frozen pizza for dinner four times this week and spends virtually every night after work zoning out in front of his television, then told his mother that he started going to a gym recently. Sources said that after he was asked about his companys health care plan, Hewitt remained totally silent for several seconds before quickly muttering, Its good, really good. Ive made plenty of friends here in the last few months, said Hewitt, reportedly doing his best to hide his congested voice so as not to alert his mother that he recently caught a cold. I hang out with them all the time. We go out together and do all sorts of stuff. Im definitely having a lot of fun. Im doing fine, Hewitt added. Im really fine. Rather than explain that he spent the past weekend alone in his apartment sleeping until the late afternoon and then playing video games, Hewitt went on to say that he has been seeing all the sights in Boston, claiming that he has already visited a museum and that he went to a Bruins game the other week. Fearing that she would discover the actual, authentic realities of his life, Hewitt then politely rejected his mothers offer to come visit him, reportedly claiming that now isnt the best time, but maybe in a few months. Ill be sure to call you if I need anything, lied Hewitt as the phone call drew to a close. I actually have to get going, though. I have plans with some friends tonight. Miss you, too, added Hewitt quickly in his only moment of genuine honesty.

Following in the same patterns of viciousness and savagery that have persisted since the dawn of mankind, the 2.8-million-year-old cycle of human cruelty reportedly continued unabated Tuesday on the playground of Hamilton Elementary School. As the students of Hamilton Elementary attacked and tormented one another on the schools four-square courts and atop the jungle gym, sources confirmed they exhibited the same aggressive, spiteful, and often ruthlessly violent behavior inherent in humans since the earliest bands of Homo habilis began to fight among themselves ages ago. I hate you, Aaron! said third-grader Joshua Stevens during the 30-minute recess period, displaying the hostility and senseless brutality that are a fundamental part of his genetic makeup and shared by billions of his ancestors, who even in prehistoric times mercilessly set upon their fellow hominids at the slightest provocation. Youre stupid and I hate you. As corroborated by playground sources, the elementary school students went on to demonstrate the same tendencies toward tribalism and violent exclusion adopted en route to the formation of modern human civilization, bullying past anyone in their way as they sought out coveted seats on the swing set or one of a limited number of inflatable rubber balls made available for their use. Look, Aarons crying! continued Stevens, who appeared to relish the pain and suffering of another in the same manner as his Paleolithic forebears. Hes running away! Lets get him! According to observers, the widespread tradition of mindless barbarism was also furthered by several children who, when brought to anger while climbing on the monkey bars, playing tag, or digging in the sandbox, lashed out with the same blind, destructive fury that has inflicted abject misery upon countless individuals around the world for millions of years. Just as throughout its time on earth humanity has been cursed with an implacable rage that leads one person to slaughter another without reason or empathy, reports indicated that Hamilton Elementary students became caught up in a chaotic ordeal of violence and recrimination that led one member of Mrs. McNallys second-grade class to scratch at and administer Indian burns to an adversary, only to become the victim of a separate attack himself moments later. Hey, give me that! said 7-year-old Jeremy Croespe, following in the footsteps of so many before him whoperhaps consumed with jealous anger upon noticing someone holding a slab of antelope meat, a gleaming shard of obsidian, or a purse containing gold coinshave set upon a member of their own species with fists and teeth. No, I was playing with it before. Its mine. He pushed me! Did you see? He just pushed me! the frenzied, hate-filled human continued. As corroborated by playground sources, the elementary school students went on to demonstrate the same tendencies toward tribalism and violent exclusion adopted en route to the formation of modern human civilization, bullying past anyone in their way as they sought out coveted seats on the swing set or one of a limited number of inflatable rubber balls made available for their use. Even as they lined up to return to class, many reportedly employed the inhumane tactics of the Mongol Empire, the kingdom of Assyria, and ancient Sparta by singling out and assaulting the vulnerable, the weak, and the fearful among them. Kara has a My Little Pony lunchboxthats so lame, said fourth-grader Amanda Romero, joining with her peers to prey on those whose differences confuse them and make them want to destroy all that which they do not understand. I bet she cant even fit enough food in there to stuff in her fat face. Following continued discord punctuated by a shoving match between Trevor Martinez and Mason Keller near the basketball hoop, sources confirmed Hamilton Elementarys after-lunch play period continued its descent into the ceaseless rhythm of callous savageness that has persisted since primates first tentatively balanced themselves on their hind legs, a cycle of restless violence that can be traced from the tetherball pole to the sacking of Rome to the Spanish Inquisition to the imperialist enslavers to the construction of the first atomic bomb, as humankind in its restive hatred realizes its most lethal impulses and spills the blood of billions upon billions. At press time, schoolyard sources confirmed that one child could be seen picking up a rock in order to wield it as a weapon.

Front-office officials for the popular minor-league St. Paul Saints baseball team called their decision to name Monday 'Kill Your Children Night' an 'egregious mistake' and 'a rousing attendance success' after Twin Cities families took advantage of the team's offer to take $5 off adult ticket prices for every child they kill in the parking lot. 'After all the crazy promotions we at the Saints have held over the years, we know one thing for certain: People will do anything for cheap baseball tickets,' Saints marketing manager Bill Silberklang said. 'We expected one or two infanticides, sure, but this This may be the worst thing to happen in quirky baseball promotion since Disco Demolition Night.' Team officials have apologized to the community for encouraging them to murder their children, and said that the attendance record set that same night would forever be marked with an asterisk in the team's media guide.

Speaking with reporters Friday after picking up his suit from the dry cleaners, 29-year-old Jeremy Wallace confirmed that he has spent every weekend for the past three years attending a different friends wedding. There was Amys wedding last week, Taras the week before, and Erics before that, and Im just about to head out to my friend Sams rehearsal dinner tonight, said the man who has for each of the past 156 weekends packed a bag and traveled to friends weddings all across the country and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. I was thinking about skipping Joshs in July because its a five-hour trek up to Vermont, but we were pretty good friends in college. Plus, if I missed his wedding, it would be weird when I see him at Devins and Lukes weddings later that month. Wallace said he was looking forward to an upcoming wedding-free weekend in early October during which time hes scheduled to attend three separate bachelor parties.

Area resident Brian Whitford had 'the best friggin' time' writing his will, the 29-year-old disclosed Monday. 'That was so awesome, dividing up my DVDs and shit,' said Whitford upon completion of the bequest portion. 'I even got to give [former college roommate Steve] Krollner a big 'fuck you' by leaving him nothing but that one Phish CD I used to play all the time that he hated.' Whitford, who left most of his possessions to members of his family, bequeathed girlfriend Cindy Meijer his prized collection of vintage 1977 McDonaldland glasses.

With the 2012-2013 academic year beginning this week, longtime James G. Blaine Elementary School teacher Suzanne Pomponio, 39, expressed her astonishment Wednesday at how much fatter her second-graders keep getting. 'I honestly didn't think it was possible for this year's kids to be any fatter than last year's, but boy, was I wrong,' Pomponio told reporters, explaining that her students have grown noticeably chunkier in each of her 15 years as an educator. 'When they all came in on Monday morning, I really couldn't believe how huge they were. The first thing I thought was, wow, each student must be 8 to 10 pounds heavier than anyone in my 2011 class. And everyone in that class was pretty fat, too.' 'The short ones are fat, the tall ones are fatthey're all just so fat,' she added. 'I didn't even know 7-year-olds could get that big.' Though she's only been back in her classroom for a few days, Pomponio said she has already witnessed nearly all of her young pupils struggle to hoist their overweight frames out of their desks when called upon to approach the blackboard. She also stated that this year's students wear sweatpants and oversized T-shirts almost exclusively, and seem to prefer sitting on benches or playing in the dirt at recess instead of running and climbing. In addition, Pomponio admitted she had recently looked at the class picture of her first group of students from 1997 and noted how trim they were by comparison, claiming that any single member of her current class would have been considered 'the fat kid' back then. 'Sure, there were one or two overweight children in each class when I started teaching, but now every single kid I have is, I hate to say it, just alarmingly obese,' said the teacher, explaining that when her students raise their hands to answer questions, the amount of fat hanging off their arms startles her every time. 'Most of these kids can't even walk to the bathroom and back without sweating and getting all pink in the face. Eight of my students are on cholesterol medication.' 'They also grunt more,' she added. 'It doesn't matter what physical activity they're engaged in, they grunt when they do it.' As she recalled the round, jowly young faces she sees whenever she looks up from her desk, the veteran educator identified several students as especially rotund. In particular, Pomponio noted a 7-year-old named Keegan who reportedly has to wedge himself into his chair each morning, with a portion of his stomach bulging over the top of his desk. Pomponio also confirmed that her students are so large they cannot even breathe properly, and said that when the children read silently, it's as if the entire class begins wheezing in unison, with almost every student laboring with each inhalation. Moreover, Pomponio stated that as her students have gotten fatter, an indistinct but foul-smelling odor in the classroom has gotten more and more pronounced. 'I don't know how to describe it, but it smells like a mixture of sweat and meat of some kind,' said Pomponio, adding that while one of her students is no doubt 'the jock' of the group, it's impossible to tell whom, given their size. 'These kids are only 4 feet tall, and I swear to God, they've got to be pushing 100 pounds, easy. Maybe 120.' 'They don't eat their lunches,' she continued. 'They inhale it. They wolf it down. They're finished eating within five minutes, and you can tell they want more.' Citing such concerns as the astonishing speed with which they fatigue while standing for the Pledge of Allegiance and how winded they become just banging wooden blocks together during music class, Pomponio said she has grown increasingly worried about her students' health. 'I'd really like to address the value of eating healthy during parent-teacher conferences next month, but I'm afraid the message won't even get through to these families,' Pomponio said. 'The truth is, the parents keep getting fatter every year, too.'

Notorious for its abandoned buildings, industrial warehouses, and gray, dilapidated roads, Detroit's Warrendale neighborhood was miraculously revitalized this week by the installation of a single, three-by-four-foot plot of green space. The green space, a rectangular patch of crabgrass located on a busy median divider, has by all accounts turned what was once a rundown community into a thriving, picturesque oasis, filled with charming shops, luxury condominiums, and, for the first time ever, hope. The Johansens, who just moved to Warrendale, enjoy some outdoor time. 'What we've seen here is amazing,' Warrendale Beautification Committee chairman Michael Pulowski said of the $150 city-funded initiative. 'Not only do residents feel better about themselves, but our streets are now totally safe, employment is up, and our children's test scores are through the roof. It's hard to believe this is even the same neighborhood anymore.' Warrendale's incredible transformation began early Monday morning when city officials laid down the yard-wide strip of sod. Two days later, dozens of boarded-up businesses were suddenly bustling with customers, and streets once littered with hypodermic needles were instead plastered with colorful murals. 'It all happened so quickly,' said resident Jeffrey Huza, who watched the sliver of lawn single-handedly attract tourism, reduce air pollution, and bring a sense of peace and tranquility to the area. 'I always knew a little green would do our neighborhood good, but I never thought we'd benefit this much.' 'I used to sit all day in the old tire yard getting high with no prospects for any kind of future,' Huza continued. 'But now that tire yard is a library.' Besides giving children a safe place to playprovided they do so one at a timethe revitalizing green space has also transformed the lives of numerous Warrendale adults. The green space's impact is evident in Warrendale's sudden, overnight transformation from complete shithole (above) to a charming and desirable place to live (below). The ideal spot for short evening strolls, relaxing upright reading, and weekend picnics that don't exceed 12 square feet in total area, the new park has completely changed how many feel about their neighborhood. In fact, dozens of residents who had given up on this once violent and moribund urban wasteland almost as completely as they'd given up on life itself, have recently chosen to put down roots and start families. 'Sitting in the middle of the park, it's like all of the troubles of city life just melt away,' said homeowner Samantha Hodge, who every day gazes at the narrow green space between two lanes of traffic and is filled instantly with calm. 'A week ago, I was ready to call it quits and never come back. Nowadays, I couldn't imagine living anywhere else.' Local events, including a Shakespeare in the Park production of Romeo And Juliet, a breast cancerawareness march, an outdoor concert by the London Symphony Orchestra, and a Fourth of July fireworks display are reportedly also scheduled to take place in the new green space. The towel-sized band of topsoilto be dedicated as 'Warrendale Park' as soon as enough room is found on its grounds to erect a signhas brought back more than a sense of community. It has also brought back the sound of laughter. 'I didn't recognize it at first, it had been so long since I'd heard it,' said Howard Cochrane, a lifelong resident. 'But there it was, ringing out like sunshine from that Heller boy who lives down the way. To see him roll his ball back and forth over the same five inches of grassit filled my tired heart with joy.' Despite the overwhelmingly positive influence of this simple patch of lawn, a number of Warrendale residents have come to regard its popularity as a double-edged sword. 'Everywhere I look now, well-dressed moms are pushing babies in designer strollers, high-end coffee shops are opening their doors, and fancy galleries are replacing old neighborhood bars,' said mechanic Kevin Miles, who was evicted from his tenement apartment after his rent tripled almost overnight. 'I used to know everyone who lived here, but now it seems like half the people are college kids or vacationing Europeans.' Added Miles: 'I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the old decrepit Warrendale.'

Saying that the past 72 hours offered him plenty of time to pause and reflect, local man Andrew Boyle told reporters Tuesday that the states three-day waiting period to purchase a handgun had allowed him to devise a far more practical murder plot. I was just going to drive straight over there, bust through the door, and start firing indiscriminately. But now that Ive really thought about it, I can make sure that I not only take this guy out, but his whole family as well, said Boyle, who added that holding off until later in the week had afforded him the opportunity to carefully monitor his targets daily routine, learn how to override a home security system, and craft several contingency plans should any aspect of his plot fall through. Having all this extra time to formulate a clear, well-thought-out plan has actually been a blessing. If theyd sold me the gun right away, theres no question I would have been so enraged that I would have overlooked all the finer details and totally botched it. Boyle then added that, because of the three-day wait, he was pretty much assured of getting away with the crime as well.

According to sources, the long Memorial Day weekend in honor of Mondays federal holiday is practically over already, with the hours left in said weekend dwindling away at an increasingly rapid pace even as you read this news article. Reports have confirmed that, given the hour in the day, it is practically Sunday already, so you can basically consider half the weekend gone, and that between the various errands you have to run, the various things you need to finish up before Tuesday, and the hours you effectively waste doing nothing at all, sources say youll only really be enjoying the rest of the weekend in any substantive way for another hour or two tops. In fact, sources are verifying, when you really think about it, you should probably just watch a show on Netflix and get some sleep before heading back to the office because, lets face it, the weekend is pretty much over at this point, and you know it.

Triggering a range of emotional responses that had lain dormant in his psyche for decades, approximately 35 different chemical processes were reportedly activated in the brain of local man Rob Northcutt upon hearing the phrase pigs in a blanket Tuesday. According to accounts, within nanoseconds of recognizing the words and calling to mind the dough-wrapped cocktail wieners, the mans limbic system simultaneously summoned feelings of hunger, joy, envy, desire, and even, somehow, a deep sense of loss. Additionally, the flood of neurotransmitters and flurry of synaptic activity, which reportedly spanned four areas of Northcutts temporal lobe, is said to have conjured up a diverse mixture of tastes, smells, sounds, and memories, including that of late-summer sunlight, the sharp aroma of dijon mustard, the pattern on the dishware at his grandparents old house, and the chorus of the song Where Do You Go by No Mercy, which was playing at a family wedding in 1997 where pigs in a blanket were served. At press time, Northcutt heard the words German potato salad, sparking not a single chemical or emotional response and leaving him feeling completely numb.

Noting that the sad little seasonal addition really seemed to pull the place together, local resident Jason Uhlir, 28, was reportedly pleased Tuesday by the way his newly purchased 3-foot-tall Christmas tree completed the unbelievably depressing look of his one-bedroom apartment. I had this bleak, empty corner between my stained secondhand futon and the slanting bookshelf where I keep my six DVDs, so I thought it might be nice to put a misshapen, pathetically under-decorated Christmas tree there, said Uhlir, noting how the shabby miniature pine with its two ornaments and single pitifully draped strand of colored lights really tied together nicely with the ratty, soiled towel he placed beneath the tree and the nearby blinking internet router and tangle of Ethernet cords in the middle of the floor. I kind of had my own vibe going on in here with my completely blank, bare walls and oppressive fluorescent overhead lighting, so I didnt know how a Christmas tree would look. But I have to say that this miserable little decoration and the pile of needles accumulating around it have really put the utterly dispiriting atmosphere of my apartment over the top. Sources noted that Uhlirs living room was only one embarrassing, shoddily wrapped Christmas present away from pulling off that hands-down, blow-your-brains-out wretched look.

Prompting questions over safety standards in similar laboratories across the country, three sports scientists were reportedly left dead and dozens more injured at the University of Tulsa on Tuesday while attempting to harness the X factor. Weve been trying for decades to isolate the elusive X factor in a controlled setting, and in this particular case we were simply calibrating the degree of clutch over various periods of crunch time when everything suddenly went awry, said Dr. Andrew Solzman, one of just two sports scientists to have survived the accident unscathed, having fled the building as soon as measurements of hustle, toughness, and spark began going off the scales. Our goal is of course to reverse-engineer the X factor and one day develop a synthesized version available to athletes across the world. But given its many intangibles, the X factor has proven incredibly unpredictable and unstable, and today we unfortunately saw the devastation it could wreak when not handled properly. In an unconfirmed report, sources also claimed that immediately following the accident, a terrified and completely nude Joe Montana was seen frantically fleeing from the lab wreckage.

Hannah Robles, 3, shrieked in terror Monday when a Bennigan's waitress brought her father a plate of audibly hot Super Sizzlin' Fajitas. 'Those fajitas really startled Hannah,' said Evan Robles, 35. 'I'm not sure if it was the sound of the fried onions angrily crackling in their 500-degree juices or the heat-distortion waves rising off the cast-iron skillet plate, but she just freaked.'

ESPN executives announced Saturday that the next installment in the networks critically acclaimed 30 For 30 documentary film series will examine the historical impact of the ESPN documentary series 30 For 30. Four years ago, a group of filmmakers began an ambitious, unprecedented project, read the press release for the episode, which is titled The 30 For 30 Era and is set to premiere this fall. They could tell what they were doing was specialthey were telling sports stories like no one had beforebut not even the series creators knew what a revered cultural touchstone 30 For 30 would soon become. The episode, which will be directed by Peter Berg, features interviews and unseen footage focusing on Peter Berg's groundbreaking creative vision and how it affected 30 For 30's prominent impact on American society.

In one of the most merciful disasters in recent years, a Greyhound bus traveling from Rochester to Albany, NY skidded into a ditch Tuesday, killing a dozen deadbeat fathers and penniless addicts, and putting nearly 20 more hapless bastards out of their misery. Four of the degenerate sacks of shit who perished in the accident. According to Greyhound officials, the fatal crash occurred less than an hour after passengers gathered their pathetic belongings and dragged what little hope they had left onto the despair-soaked bus. Emergency crews called to the scene described the remains of the victims as 'slightly more lifeless than they were before the accident.' 'This is by far the saddest thing I've ever witnessed,' said head rescue worker Charles Rabnett, referring to the sea of fast-food wrappers, losing lottery tickets, and scorched corpses that littered the crash site. 'We've done our best to contact family members and loved ones, but so far we've only been able to reach four parole officers and 10 AA sponsors.' Added Rabnett: 'Dear God, what a terrible waste of my time.' While officials are still not sure what happened aboard the Albany-bound bus, a number of theories have been posited, including icy roads, low visibility due to fog, and the likelihood that the driver, Ron Jenkins, fell asleep at the wheel after spending a restless night consumed by his failures as a husband. Police investigators also suspect that the cause of the accident may have been as simple as 'these luckless bastards getting shit on by the world one last time.' 'Dental records have helped identify only two-thirds of the casualties, as the remaining 10 passengers were discovered to have none of their original teeth left,' Albany police chief Henry Goodwin said. 'Among those, one is believed to have been a recently disowned teenage mother, the other an elderly widow forced to pawn her favorite necklace in order to purchase a bus ticket, and what appears to be the hollow shells of several middle-aged men.' No survivors were reported following the accident. In addition, initial surveillance of the wreckage seems to indicate that those who managed to pull their world-weary bodies out of the overturned bus, gave up on their wretched existence within minutes. According to paramedics, it is likely that many of the casualties had suffered during the crash, and, if not then, for years earlier. 'Thank heavens nobody made it,' said chief paramedic John Thurston, who described the 'disturbing smell' at the scene as a combination of gasoline, body odor, Aqua Velva, and relentless disappointment. 'For a second there, I was worried I'd actually have to interact with some of these people.' In response to the relative tragedy, Greyhound has agreed to donate $200 worth of rolled quarters and greasy, crumpled dollar bills they had collected as bus fare to a local charity. The casualties of the crash will also be memorialized with a small commemorative plaque that will hang at the Albany station, between an out-of-order vending machine and a set of bathrooms where customers can often be heard weeping. 'It's hard to believe that something like this could even happen,' said Albany resident Carl Robinson, who, since losing his home to a fire earlier this month, has been sleeping in the city's dilapidated bus station. 'To know that life, no matter how dreadful or hopeless, always has a chance of coming to an endit's so inspiring.' As of press time, hundreds of men and women had gathered at the site of the fatal accident to mourn the loss of a perfectly good bus.

While calculating his budget Wednesday, Ben Hollis, a 30-year-old man, carefully factored in the birthday money hell receive next month as a way to offset a number of expenses, sources confirmed. I usually get $100 from my parents, and then theres a $25 check from Aunt Darlene, and another $25 from Aunt Lorrie, so thats groceries right there, said the full-grown adult, who then made a mental note to call his grandparents later that week to talk about his birthday plans so that theyll remember to send their customary $10 bills. If Uncle Howie sends something, I might only have to pay half of my phone bill. Then I can get the new Tomb Raider game. Hollis reportedly reassured himself that if the value of the anticipated gifts falls short of expectation, he can spend his own money on his gym membership, but hed prefer not to.

After accounting for the cost of tuition, four years of lost earning potential, and the minimal increase in salary an undergraduate degree provides, 30-year-old local man Patrick Moorhouse has, at this point in his life, earned $11 more than he would have had he not attended college at all, an independent study confirmed today. All told, Patricks B.A. in Political Science translates to about $5,000 more in annual wages, but when you account for his student loan payments, including his 6 percent interest rate, his degree from a respected four-year university amounts to slightly more than 10 extra bucks in his wallet, said researcher Ken Overton, adding that had Moorhouse been accepted to his more prestigious first-choice college, his earnings would have totaled $54 more than if he had never enrolled in higher education. If Patrick had started working straight out of high school, he would have had slightly fewer job options than he does now, but living at home instead of a dorm or student apartment even just those first two years would have added at least $16,000 in total savings, which pretty much evens things out. All in all, the countless hours Patrick spent stressing about getting into school and then working hard to succeed in college have been more or less a financial wash. The study noted, however, that one cannot ever truly put a price on the 12 Post-WWII European History lectures Moorhouse attended junior year.

The so-called 'Kansas rectangle,' a desolate and featureless region covering 82,277 square miles in America's mysterious Great Plains, has been a source of speculation among paranormal investigators for decades. Though the questions surrounding its existence have never been answered, one thing is certain: The life of former Chicagoan Kevin Corcoran suddenly vanished into the eerie region 30 years ago this week, never to return. The last time Kevin Corcoran was seen being active. According to his friends and family, Corcoran, a bright and energetic young man of 18, was last seen driving into the Rectangle in a Plymouth Duster on the afternoon of May 8, 1978. Surveillance footage shows him stopping at a gas station near the border to buy fuel and snacks at 4:15 p.m. Although his trip was only supposed to last the summer, he was never seen or heard from again. The last known communication from Corcoran was sent from somewhere within the Rectangle, and made reference to plans to marry a large blond woman and enroll in a local technical college. Records indicate the message was received from 37 degrees 42 minutes north latitude and 97 degrees 20 minutes west longitudebut when searchers attempted to investigate that location, they found nothing but a tiny town with zero signs of life. 'Who knows if my son will ever return to civilization,' said Corcoran's father, Dennis, now 76. 'Some have reported seeing a pale and dead-eyed specter of him, trudging to and from a small office-supply firm every day, but they could just be legends. We don't know.' Acquaintances of Corcoran say they warned him that once he entered the Rectangle, he would never make it back out, but he did not listen, and was drawn there to investigate tales of cheap tuition. It wasn't until Corcoran failed to show up in the summer of 1978 for an annual camping trip, however, that the reality of his disappearance began to sink in. 'I knew then he wasn't coming back,' friend Craig Wilkins said. 'He got sucked into this alternative reality, and he can't get out. I'll never see my friend again.' The mysterious region has, according to some accounts, swallowed thousands of potentially interesting and active lives. As haunting as his story may be, Kevin Corcoran is only one of hundreds of people who, for unknown reasons, have had years or even decades of their lives utterly fade away in the mystifying region. Still, most cases lack any hard evidence: The few known photos from inside the Rectangle show only a flat, blank emptiness, stretching unremarkably to the horizon. What happens in the lives of those who venture within remains a mystery. Matthew Hume, a researcher at the University of Chicago who studies the Rectangle, said the bizarre phenomena associated with the region might never be fully understood. 'As best we can tell, those who go beyond the area's borders for too long are knocked off course by the low external pressure to succeed,' Hume said. 'But after that, it's as if they fall off the face of the earth. There are cases of an entire Greyhound bus full of people entering the Rectangle and vanishing into obscurity.' Experts estimate that several million tons of consumer goods disappear into the region per year. Yet, almost nothing, save for the odd Sunday morning church broadcast, is ever detected coming back out. Still, some travelers have returned to tell their tales. The most frequent occurrence reported by those who have survived the Kansas Rectangle is extreme disorientation and an unsettling perception of time distortion. Boulder, CO resident Ned Frome entered the Rectangle in 2005 while en route to visiting family in St. Louis. 'I had been driving for hours, but it was as though I hadn't moved at all,' Frome said. 'I had no idea which direction I was going in. No matter where I looked, everything was exactly the same and before long, normal navigation was almost impossible.' 'I'll never go in there again,' Frome added with a shudder. 'I felt like I was going insane.' Kyle Manheim, a photocopier salesman from Minneapolis who was once inside the Kansas Rectangle for two weeks on business, said he could not clearly remember any events from the time period. 'There isn't a single thing I can recall that would be worth mentioning,' Manheim said. 'I know I was there, but that's about it. It's like those 14 days never happened.' While many strongly believe in the eerie, soul-destroying powers of the Kansas Rectangle, the dearth of concrete evidence has drawn its share of skeptics. 'If you look at the statistics, there's nothing going on in that area that doesn't happen every day in the rest of the country,' said Stephen Finney, a long-haul trucker who is familiar with the region. 'What happened to Kevin Corcoran could have happened in Iowa, Indiana, or even Michigan. 'It's just a myth,' Finney added. 'This whole 'Kansas' place people talk about simply does not exist.'

According to estimates, roughly one-third of a billion Indian citizens were left without power Wednesday after workers successfully repaired the nation's electrical grid and brought all of its systems back online. 'Since restoring our infrastructure to 100 percent capacity following Monday and Tuesday's blackouts, vast swaths of India are now completely without access to electricity,' said the country's power minister, Veerappa Moily, who confirmed that three out of every four residents lacked access to such basic amenities as lighting, food refrigeration, and the use of simple appliances now that the country's grid had fully recovered. 'We are currently not monitoring the situation, as everything appears to be functioning normally again in India.' Government officials also stated that the widespread power outage had in no way compromised their ability to provide adequate sanitation to 31 percent of India's citizens.

An estimated 300 naked women, including actresses Pamela Anderson and Shannon Elizabeth, are feared lost as the result of a tragic computer crash Monday. 'One minute, they were there, and the next, they were gone,' said a visibly shaken Jonathan Blauvelt, 33, the Ellicott City resident whose Power Mac G4 was the site of the disaster. 'To lose so many young girls in the blink of an eye like that, it's hard to comprehend. Angelina Jolie, Anna Kournikova, the chick from Speciesit's just too much to bear.' As data-recovery workers comb through the hard drive for signs of ass, Blauvelt is asking well-wishers to pray for the naked ladies' safe return.

Across the U.S., ceremonies have already begun to commemorate the 30th anniversary of 1973. 'No one who lived through 1973 can ever forget it,' said singer Tony Orlando, unveiling a plaque Monday on the National Mall reading '1973: 1973-2003.' 'From Richard Nixon's second inauguration to Billie Jean King's defeat of Bobby Riggs, 1973 was a special year that will be celebrated all year long.' The U.S. Postal Service announced plans Tuesday to observe the milestone with a paisley stamp trumpeting '30 Years Of 1973.'

Describing himself as a complete anomaly within his peer group, local 31-year-old Drew Winberg confirmed Tuesday that he is the only one of his friends who has yet to get married and divorced. Sometimes I feel like Im never going to find that special person I can fall in love with, pledge my life to, grow apart from, and then break up with before engaging in a bitter and costly legal battle, said Winberg, lamenting his perpetual role as the token single guy celebrating friends over-the-top weddings and then supporting them through their messy divorces. It seems as though everyone I know is delving back into the dating scene with this new lease on life, and here I am the odd man out. Winberg consoled himself with the thought that if he married soon, he could still get divorced and find a new girlfriend in time to take her to his friends second marriages.

In what some economists believe to be a sign that the U.S. could be headed for a recession, a job opening last month at the Findlay-area Bob Evans prompted a deluge of more than 3 million job applications from out-of-work Americans, restaurant manager Tom Fields confirmed Tuesday. Within three days of placing a 'Help Wanted' sign at the Bob Evans front entrance, Fields reportedly received more than 800,000 resums for the part-time hostess job. The newly available position offers no health benefits, minimum-wage pay, and a dress code that mandates both the standard red-and-white Bob Evans kerchief and 'a smile,' as well as a 15 percent discount on all meals eaten during one's shift. 'Word of a job opening in this country sure does travel fast,' the visibly exhausted Fields said. 'I'm just dreading having to make those 3,199,999 rejection phone calls.' Former pediatrician Dr. Peter Weintraub, who provided his beeper, cell phone, and home numbers, was not offered the job. Over the next two weeks, another 2 million applications poured into the chain eatery from college graduates, former teachers, engineers, factory workers, computer programmers, 60,000 Americans formerly employed in the private sector, construction workers, Ph.D. candidates, and nearly 1.3 million Americans who have previous food service experienceincluding 230 former executive chefs. Fields, who decided to forgo calling the group's 6 million personal and professional references before making this particular hire, called the selection of potential hostesses 'very strong.' Although competition among the applicants has been fierce, many say they are simply glad to once again have the chance to apply for a job. 'I would kill for this opportunity,' said former Ford plant supervisor Chris Thaney, who has been unemployed since 2006 and previously earned $75,000 a year. 'I really think this is the lucky break my family and I have been waiting for.' Thaney, who waited for 15 hours for an interview in a line extending out the door, around the block, and into neighboring Toledo, said he was so excited by the possibility of securing the 25-hour-a-week position that he uprooted his family from Georgia and moved them to Findlay. After the interview, Fields told the 43-year-old father of three that he would keep his resum on file and 'would let [him] know.' 'The final decision will be tough,' Fields said. 'We're looking for someone who is a team player, has good people skills, and won't buckle under the pressure. This place can get pretty nuts during breakfast, and we're always slammed after church on Sundays.' Fields said that he has already gone through one round of interviews, and plans to tackle the rest of the 2 million resums piled up on his desk by the end of next month. He hopes to have the field narrowed to 400,000 by the end of August. Leading economists said they were not surprised by the turnout. More than 4 million Americans reportedly applied for a job at a Fort Wayne, IN American Eagle Outfitters in December, and all 7.7 million of the nation's unemployed expressed interest in a part-time, holiday-only position at the Westmoreland Mall Sunglass Hut last November. A number of experts also predicted that, once the position at Bob Evans is filled, there will not be another job opening in America for at least six months. 'I completely botched the interview,' said former AT&T; mainframe programmer Richard Morrow, who studied the Bob Evans menu extensively for the interview, but was flustered when Fields only seemed interested in Morrow's experience studying abroad in college. 'I wanted it too bad and it showed.' Thus far Fields has remained tight-lipped about any leading candidates for the job. Sources amongst the waitstaff, however, were 'almost certain' that the position would be filled as early as next Wednesday by Fields'16-year-old niece, Samantha.

WASHINGTON, DCWashington police seized 22 members of the House of Representatives, 12 members of the Senate, and more than 100 fighting cocks Monday night, in the latest crackdown on blood sports at the highest levels of the U.S. government. Congressmen Don Nickles (R-OK), Charles Schumer (D-NY), Dick Gephardt (D-MO), and John Lewis (D-GA) minutes before their arrest. 'At 1 o'clock this morning, uniformed officers, acting on tips from undercover operatives, staged simultaneous raids on four known beltway pits, arresting a large bipartisan coalition of legislative cockfighting enthusiasts,' D.C. police chief Charles H. Ramsey told reporters Tuesday. 'Of course, we were aware of the longstanding cockfighting problem, but we were shocked to catch so many highly placed lawmakers in the act of betting on, training, and selling fighting birdsor, in the case of [Rep.] Tammy Baldwin [D-WI], operating back-alley clubs.' A full report of evidence gathered in the raids will be issued later this week, but police have released certain facts, including details about a breeding network for elite fighting cocksprized for their extreme aggressiveness and high pain thresholdrun by members of the House Judiciary Committee. Undercover officers said they witnessed committee members selling birds to other congressmen for hundreds of dollars apiece. Evidence also included photos of congressional motor-pool limousines that had been converted into 'crating trucks' to transport cocks from venue to venue. Perhaps most stunning of all were the firsthand sightings of cocks, their crests and wattles surgically removed, being trained to fight with blades tied to their natural spurs in a 400-bird 'hardening pen' in the basement of the Old Executive Office Building, just blocks away from the White House. Detective William Gargano of the D.C. vice squad was present for the previous evening's raid on El Pollo Diablo, a cockfighting pit located among several blocks of abandoned warehouses in southeast D.C. 'I was there shooting undercover video when detectives and animal-control operatives, working in a combined task force, busted down all the doors to the place at once,' Gargano said. 'It had already been shaping up to be one hell of a night. [Sen. Dick] Lugar [R-IN] was a few hundred dollars ahead in the pit. His famous Stag Hammer just couldn't lose. Well, that didn't sit well with [Sen.] Hillary Clinton [D-NY], who accused him of giving his bird ginger and amphetamine suppositories to make it fight harder.' Continued Gargano: 'Then [Sen. Dianne] Feinstein [D-CA] tried to suck her rooster's punctured lung clear so it could last a whole match, but she swallowed too much blood and puked everywhere. [Supreme Court Justice David] Souter had just broken up a fight between [Rep.] Mark Kennedy [R-MN] and [Rep. Jim] Oberstar [D-MN], after they knocked the damn carcass barrel all over the floor. When the raid happened, I was relieved. It was getting pretty dicey in there.' The raids themselves were carried out with minimal resistance. Only Sen. John Edwards (D-NC) needed to be restrained and charged with resisting arrest. Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) inspects fighting birds during a cock-buying trip to Tibet. Ramsey said that, though formal charges have yet to be filed, the congressmen taken into custody will most likely be charged with illegal gambling, animal cruelty, and collusion. Nearly all of the arrested cockfighting enthusiasts are out of jail after posting bail. However, not one of the arrested parties, even those who were not elected officials, has agreed to speak openly to reporters. One legislator who asked not to be identified said the charges were 'petty,' and that the indicted members of Congress were victims of a 'witch-hunt.' 'Although violent, cockfighting is a traditional part of the American lawmaker's way of life,' the legislator said. 'It's a sport, with a code of conduct the uninitiated simply wouldn't understand. I'm sure many of the good people of Oklahoma, hypothetically speaking, would agree that there's a place for different people's tastes in this great country. As far as the cruelty charges go, that's ludicrous. I love my fighting cocksmy wife likes to say I treat my champion red-eyes better than I treat herand I'm sure my fellow Congressmen would say much the same.' As troubling as the mere existence of a legislative cockfighting ring may be, lawmakers who were not implicated in the scandal say they are more disturbed by evidence that legislation has been derailed, altered, or passed based on successes and failures in the cockfighting pit. 'One week, the Civic Funding for Secondary Education Act is dead in the water, with no compromise on the horizon,' Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) said. 'The very next week, 12 Democrats turn over on their votes. I heard strange rumors that some hefty debt to the Senate Republicans was just erasedsomething involving '10-to-1 odds on a one-eyed Rhode Island Red.' It didn't make sense until this morning, when I flipped on the news and saw all these same senators getting cuffed at the rooster pit in a basement off Constitution.' 'Now that I think about it, this may explain why the Chicken Feed Price Stabilization Act passed through the House so quickly last month,' McCain added.