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1989-07-05

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> </b><b> GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, why we're here? To be out, this is out...and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People...did you ever hear people talking about "We should go out"? This is what they're talking about...this whole thing, we're all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, we're all out! There are people tryin' to find us, they don't know where we are. (imitates one of these people "tryin' to find us"; pretends his hand is a phone) "Did you ring?, I can't find him." (imitates other person on phone) "Where did he go?" (the first person again) "He didn't tell me where he was going". He must have gone out. You wanna go out: you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...There you're staring around, whatta you do? You go: "We gotta be getting back". Once you're out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seems to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. (talking about George's shirt) The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it: it's too high! It's in no-man's-land, you look like you live with your mother. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you through? (kind of irritated) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You do of course try on, when you buy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I don't actually recall considering the buttons. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you don't recall? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pretends he's talking into a microphone) Uh, no, not at this time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, senator, I just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it. (a waitress approaches the table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Mister Seinfeld. (she pours coffee in his cup) Mister Costanza. (she wants to pour coffee, but George stops her) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are, are you sure this is decaf? Where's the orange indicator? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> It's missing, I have to do it in my head: decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right...it's very challenging work. (ironically) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can you relax, it's a cup of coffee, Claire is a professional waitress. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Trust me George: no one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine. (she pours the coffee and walks away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How come you're not doin' the second show tomorrow? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, there's this uh, woman might be comin' in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman is coming in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, you didn't! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought I told you about it, yes, she teaches political science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing...(looks in the milk can) There's no milk in here, what... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait wait wait, what is she, (takes the milk can from Jerry and puts it on the table) what is she like? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, she's really great. I mean, she's got like a real warmth about her and she's really bright and really pretty and uh...the conversation though, I mean, it was...talking with her is like talking with you, but, ya know, obviously much better. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (with a big smile) So, ya know, what, what happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, nothing happened, ya know, but it was great. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, nothing happened, but it was... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is great! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, ya know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe we'll get together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (whistles disapproving) Ho ho ho, "Had to"? "Had to come in"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "Had to come in" and "maybe we'll get together"? "Had to" and "Maybe"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No...no...no, I hate to tell you this: you're not gonna see this woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (indignant) What, are you serious...why, why did she call? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How do I know, maybe, ya know, maybe she wanted to be polite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> To be polite? You are insane! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, all right, I didn't want to tell you this, you wanna know why she called you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're a back-up, you're a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan of contingency! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I get it, this is about the button. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (The waitress(Claire) passes the table; George stops her and writes something on his note-block) Claire, Claire, you're a woman, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLAIRE </b> What gave it away, George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uhm...I'd like to ask you...ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, ya know, from a female point of view. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) Oh, come on now, what are you asking her? Now, how is she gonna know? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Claire) Now, a woman calls me, all right? She says she has to (makes some gestures to accent "has to") come to New York on business... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh you are beautiful! (ironically) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> and, and maybe (again some gestures) she'll see me when she gets there, does this woman intend to spend time with me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLAIRE </b> I'd have to say: uuhh, no. (George shows his note-block to Jerry, it says very largely: NO) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Claire) So why did she call? <b> </b><b> CLAIRE </b> To be polite. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> To be polite, I rest my case. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea, what you're talking about, now, come on, come with me (stands up), I, I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not gonna watch you do laundry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, come on, be a "come-with-guy". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on, I'm tired. <b> </b><b> CLAIRE </b> (to Jerry) Don't worry, I gave him a little caffeine: he'll perk up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes; panics) Right, I knew I felt something...! (Jerry is laughing, Claire walks away with a smile) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry? I have to tell ya somethin':...this is the dullest moment I've ever experienced. (walks away from the dryer; a man passes George and Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, look at this guy! Look, he's got everything, he's got: detergents, sprays, fabric softeners; this is not his first load. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I need a break, Jerry, ya know, I gotta get out of the city, I feel so cramped... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And you didn't even hear how she sounded. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Laura. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe: (falls on his knees) <b> WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but how could you be so sure? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (gets up) 'Cause it's signals, Jerry (starts snapping his fingers), it's signals! Don't you....all right. Did she even ask you, what you were doin' tomorrow night, if you were busy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She calls you today and she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? It's Saturday night! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is that? It's ridiculous! (Jerry bobs agreeingly) You don't even know, what hotel she's staying at, you can't call her. That's a signal, Jerry, that's a signal! (snaps his fingers again) Signal! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe you're right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe I'm right? Of course I'm right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is insane. You know, I don't even know where she's staying! She, she's not gonna call me, this is unbelievable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (puts an arm around Jerry and whispers) I know, I know. (normal voice) Listen, your stuff has to be done by know, why don't you just see if it's dried? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No no no, don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what it's doing, just let it finish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're gonna "overdry" it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You, you can't "overdry". <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Same as you can't "overwet". (George looks puzzled) You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with dead: like once you die you're dead, right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you: you're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't "overdie", you can't "overdry". <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (looks at the other persons in the laundry and says to them pointing to Jerry) Any questions? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could she not tell me where she was staying? (George stands by the dryer again and secretly opens it: the dryer stops working and George closes the lid) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (points to the dryer) Look at that: they're done! It's a miracle! (Jerry looks surprised) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Laundry-day" is the only exciting day in the live of clothes. It is...no, think about it: the washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. Ya know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kind a dancing around in there...shirt grabs the underwear: "C'mon babe, let's gather". You come by, you open up the lid and they'll: (shows how clothes are acting when you open the lid)...Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives, they're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers...the dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They knew a escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper, the night before: (sock's voice) "Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm goin'...you wait here!" The dryer-door swings open and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. They hope you don't see him and then he goes down the road (shows how the sock is going down the road). They got buttons sewed on their faces: join the puppet show...So they're showing me on television the detergent for getting out blood-stains...Is this a violent image to anybody? Blood-stains? I mean, I, come on, you got a T-shirt with blood-stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now...Maybe you oughta get the harpoon out your chest first. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (The phone rings. He picks it up and says:) If you know what happened in the Mets-game, don't say anything, I taped it, hello... Yeah, no, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number...Yeah, no (somebody knocks at the door) Yeah? (to the door, while still at the phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (enters) Are you up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Kramer) Yeah...(in the phone) Yeah, people do move! Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem (hangs up the phone). <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (upset) Ooohhhh, what are you doing? Kramer, it's a tape! (actually I can't understand the name; maybe "Kramer" wasn't named "Kramer" in the pilot!) I taped the game, it's one o'clock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, I'm sorry, I...ya know, I, I thought you knew...(takes two loaves of bread out of his pockets) You got any meat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (a little irritated) Meat? I don't, I don't know, go...hunt! (Kramer walks to the refrigerator and sticks his head in) Well what, what happened in the game anyway? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (still with his head in the refrigerator) What happened? Well, they STUNK, that's what happened! (takes some meat from the refrigerator and closes it) Ya know, I almost wound up going to that game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (cynical) Yeah you almost went to the game. You haven't been out of the building in ten years! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. (Jerry sits down on the couch. Kramer sits down next to him and starts turning over the pages of a magazine. Suddenly he spots an article he likes and tears it out. Jerry looks at him with a "what-the-h...-are-you-doing-look" and Kramer asks:) Are you done with this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (glues the article back with his own saliva and puts the magazine back on the table) When you're done, let me know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought I wasn't allowed to be in here this weekend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's OK now, that, that girl is not comin' uh, I, I misread the whole thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You want me to talk to her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you know that I was almost... a lawyer. (shows with his fingers how close it was) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That close, huh? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You better believe it. (The phone rings. Jerry picks it up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello...Oh, hi, Laura. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Give me it...let me talk to her (continues this way). <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (gestures Kramer to shut up) No believe me, I'm always up at this hour. How are you?...great...sure...What time does the plane get in?...I got my friend George to take me...(Kramer suddenly notices something in the Mets-game on <b> TV)... </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A SLIDE!...Wow! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...No, it's, it's just my neighbour...uhm...yeah, I got it (takes a pencil and a cereal box to write on) ten-fifteen...No, don't be silly, go ahead and ask...Yeah, sure...OK, great, no no, it's no trouble at all...I'll see you tomorrow...great, bye. (hangs up the phone; to Kramer:) I, I don't believe it...That, that was her. She wants to stay here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George enter, lifting a heavy mattress) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If my father was moving this he'd had to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way. (talks from now on like he has a cigarette in his mouth) Have you got your end?...Your end's got to come down first, easy now, drop it down...drop it down, your end's got to come down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya know, I can't believe you're bringin' in an extra bed for woman, that wants to sleep with you. Why don't you bring in an extra guy too? (sits down) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (hands George a beer) Look, it's a very awkward situation, I, I don't wanna be presumptuous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, all right, one more time, one more time! What was the EXACT phrasing of the request? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, she said she couldn't find a decent hotel- room... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A decent hotel-room... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, a decent hotel-room, would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can't be serious. This is New York city: there must be eleven million decent hotel-rooms! Whatta ya need? A flag? (waves with his handkerchief) This is the signal, Jerry, this is the signal! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (cynical) This is the signal. Thank you, mister Signal, where were you yesterday? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think I was affected by the caffeine. (suddenly a dog enters the apartment and jumps George at the couch) HO, HO, HO, GOOD DOG (etc.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (walks in behind the dog and closes the door) He really likes you, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (ironically) Well, that's flattering. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (the dog runs to the bathroom and apparently starts drinking from the toilet) Oh, he's getting' a drink of water. (sees the mattress on the floor) Is this for that girl? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why even give her an option? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is a person I like, it's not: "How to score on spring break". <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right, can we go? 'Cause I'm double-parked, I'm gonna get a ticket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, OK. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I, I forgot to clean the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what? That's good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now, how could that be good? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because filth is good...Whatta you think: rock stars have sponges and ammonia lyin' around the bathroom? They, they have a woman comin' over: "I've gotta tidy up? Yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Always, ALWAYS do the opposite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is how you operate? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I wish. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me just wipe the sink. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (stands up from the couch and yells.) WHY EVEN GIVE HER AN OPTION FOR? (Jerry walks to the bathroom and closes the door; to George, while pointing to the mattress) It's unbelievable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...How's the real estate-business? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...(surprised he asked) It's uh, not bad, it's comin' along...Why? Did you need something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do you handle any of that commercial...real estate? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I might be getting in to that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (slaps George on the arm) You keep me posted! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm aware of you, all right, let's go (opens the bathroom door), let's go! (Jerry and the dog come out) You're on stage in 25 minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The dating world is not a fun world...it's a pressure world, it's a world of tension, it's a world of pain...and ya know, if a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready, 'cause she needs things. Women need equipment. I don't know what they need. I know I don't have it, I know that...Ya know what they need, women seem to need a lot of cotton-balls. This is the one I'm, always has been one of the amazing things to me...I have no cotton-balls, we're all human beings, what is the story? I've never had one...I never bought one, I never needed one, I've never been in a situation, when I thought to myself: "I could use a cotton-ball right now"...I can certainly get out of this mess...Women need them and they don't need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags, they're like peat-moss bags, have you ever seen these giant bags? They're huge and two days later, they're out, they're gone, the, the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls, ladies? What are you doin' with them? The only time I ever see'em is in the bottom of your little waste basket, there's two or three, that look like they've been through some horrible experience... tortured, interrogated, I don't know what happened to them...I once went out with a girl who's left a little zip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls over my house. I don't know what to do with them, I took them out, I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town: "Let's move on"... The dating world is a world of pressure. Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job-interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it...ya know: "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position, why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be workin' with?". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Airport. Jerry and George are waiting for Laura) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman what she's thinkin'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya know, instead, I'm like a detective: I've gotta pick up clues, the whole thing is a murder investigation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Listen, listen, don't get worked up, 'cause you're gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? How? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Cause it's all in the greeting. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya know, anything in the, in the "lip-area" is good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Lip-area". <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya know a hug: definitely good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hug is definitely good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's so brutal, I hate that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya know how they do that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's why, ya know, a shake is bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Shake is bad, but what if it's the "two-hander"? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hand-sandwich. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I see, well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes...(suddenly a woman approaches Jerry from behind and puts her hands over Jerry's eyes) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Guess who? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, hey. <b> </b><b> LAURA AND JERRY </b> Heeeey! (they take each others hands like they're planning to do a folk dance; George is looking puzzled) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's good to see you. <b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is my friend George. <b> </b><b> LAURA </b> (shakes George's hand) Hi, how nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi, how are you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is Laura. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Laura, sure. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Laura) I can't believe you're here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE AND JERRY </b> Ooh yeah, the bags, sure. (they pick up the bags) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Oh, thank you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (privately to George) Now that was an interesting greeting, did you notice that, George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, the "surprise-blindfold-greeting". That wasn't in the manual, I don't know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. Jerry shows Laura the apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So uh, what do ya think? <b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Ooohhh, wow! This place isn't so bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work on the road...So uh, make yourself at home. (Laura sits down on the couch, takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt) So uh, can I get you anything? Uuhhh, bread, water...salad-dressing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> (laughs) Actually uhm, do you have any wine? <b> </b><b> </b> JERRY; Uh, yeah, I think I do. <b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Oh, do, do you mind if I turn this down? (points to the lamp) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, no, yeah, go right ahead. (she turns down the lamp) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Uh, Jerry, uh, I was wondering: would it be possible, and if it's not, fine, for me to stay here tomorrow night too? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why don't you stay? Yeah, uhm...What is your, what is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you, are you doin' anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> No, I'd love to do something, uh, I have my seminar in the morning, then after that I'm right open. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? What would you like to do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Well...now I know this sounds touristy, but I'd just love to go on one of those five-hour-boat-rides around Manhattan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (doubtfully) Yeah, we could do that...why not, why not. (pours the wine) I'm just, I'm really glad you're here. (the phone rings; he picks it up) Yeah, hello...yes...yes, she is, hold on. (to Laura) Uhm, it's for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> (she takes the phone) Hello?...Hi!...no no it was great, right on time...no, I, I'm gonna stay here tomorrow...yes, yes it's fine..no, we're goin' on a boat-ride...don't be silly...I'm not gonna have this conversation...look I, I'll call you tomorrow...OK, bye (she hangs up the phone). Never get engaged. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're engaged? <b> </b><b> LAURA </b> You, you really have no idea what it's like until you actually do it and I'm on this emotional roller coaster. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're engaged? (still can't believe it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Ya know, I can't believe it myself sometimes. You have to start thinking in terms of "we", uh, it's a very stressful situation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're engaged! (like he's answering his own question) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Yeah...yeah, he's a great guy... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> LAURA </b> You'd really like him...ya know, I can't wait to get on that boat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Me too! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, OK? I, I, I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle...men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it!...It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is: we want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far...The car-horn-honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks: (imitates horn). <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

Good News, Bad News Script

1990-05-31

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE STAKEOUT </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b> (Opening comedy) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, I'm on line at the supermarket. Two women in front of me. One of <b> </b><b> </b> them, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They both <b> </b><b> </b> of course choose to pay by the use of the (pause and gesture to audience <b> </b><b> </b> for response) <b> </b><b> AUDIENCE </b> Cheque <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Cheque. Now, the fact is, if it's a woman in front of you that's <b> </b><b> </b> writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed that <b> </b><b> </b> women are very *fast* with cheques, y'know, 'cuz they write out so many <b> </b><b> </b> cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they don't know <b> </b><b> </b> where that is, but the cheque book they got that. They never fumble for <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> book from an imaginary holster) ``Who do I make it out to?... There's my <b> </b><b> </b> ID...''. There's something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine. <b> </b><b> </b> I don't know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a cheque is like a note <b> </b><b> </b> from your mother that says ``I don't have any money, but if you'll <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you <b> </b><b> </b> just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> these... I wrote on these; is this of any value at all?'' <b> </b> (End stand-up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's that one? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> "Coccoon II: The Return". I guess they didn't like it up there... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Y'know Maureen Stapleton, if <b> </b><b> </b> she gets a craving, she's probably screamin' at those aliens, "I gotta have a Lo mein!" <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, what're we doing here? I have seen *everything*. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah? I don't believe you've seen... this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, lovely... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you think their parents think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "So, uh, what's your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?" <b> </b><b> </b> "Oh, he's a public fornicator. Yes, he's a fine boy..." <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Y'know what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamela's <b> </b><b> </b> birthday. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pamela? Do I know her? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, you met her when we were going out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, right... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You have *no* idea who I'm talking about, do you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (quickly) No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Blonde hair remember? Glasses? (pause) Have you *totally* blocked <b> </b><b> </b> out the entire time we were a couple? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Riverside Drive. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right! In fact... No, never mind... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what is it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some <b> </b><b> </b> bar for her birthday, but... you don't want to go to... that... no. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little deal here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What little deal? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding I <b> </b><b> </b> have on Saturday. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A *wedding*!? Have you *lost* it, man? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y'know, my parents are coming in for this... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They're coming in? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, tomorrow. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no... Still doin' the big *sweep* across. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why does he do that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Doesn't think anyone can tell? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So c'mon, do we have a deal? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A *wedding*? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's a lot of people to mock... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, what the Hell. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Great! <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> When you're dead, you're dead. That's it. You're not goin' <b> </b><b> </b> anywhere... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> C'mon lets go, c'mon... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Was I supposed to bring something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You could have. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I met her *one* time... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It is not necessary. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you say then? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sssshhhhhh!!! <b> </b><b> PAMELA </b> Hi <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi Pamela, you remember Jerry. <b> </b><b> PAMELA </b> Yes, we met. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, happy birthday. <b> </b><b> PAMELA </b> Ahh, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GUESTS </b> Hi <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't bring anything. <b> </b><b> PAMELA </b> Ahh, I put you two right here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Okay (turns to rest of table) I'm sorry, I didn't know what <b> </b><b> </b> to bring, nobody told me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> How big a tip do you think it'd take to get him to stop? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm in for five... <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> I'll supply the hat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself) Uh-oh... What do we have here... <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Why don't you relax and take your jacket off? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I can't-- I have a tendency to get chilly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> How masculine... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Plus I'm wearing short sleeves, I don't want to expose my tattoos. <b> </b><b> </b> (To himself) She's unbelievable! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ROGER </b> (To Vanessa) Hey, this guy says he knows Bricker... <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Oh, you know Bricker! From where? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself) What's going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend, she's <b> </b><b> </b> too good to be alone... What's the difference, I can't maneuver <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> anyway with Elaine next to me... <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> (To Jerry) How do you know Pamela? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Friend of a friend. And you? <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> We went to law school together. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself) Oh no, not *now*... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I had this dream last night and you were in it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh really... (To himself) Oh God, I gotta get out of this... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You were you, but, you weren't you... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No kidding... (To himself) Why is this happening? Please, make <b> </b><b> </b> her stop! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think, I think we were in my house where I grew up, and you were <b> </b><b> </b> standing there, you were looking out the window-- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself) This is *brutal*... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You turned around and you had these wooden teeth... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you like that... (To himself) Can I turn now? Is this <b> </b><b> </b> over? No, I can't, I can't... I'm stuck... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry? Are you listening to me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, I *heard* you. <b> </b><b> PAMELA </b> Elaine, what's the name of that jewelry store you took me to that <b> </b><b> </b> time? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself) Thank *you*, Pamela! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Vanessa) So, you're a lawyer... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself, quickly) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. <b> </b><b> </b> Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft... <b> </b> (To Vanessa) Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Oh, that was you! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Imagine, spelling "Mom" with two O's... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Very funny! What do you do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Comedian. <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Really... That explains it... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself, quickly) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. <b> </b><b> </b> Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. <b> </b><b> ROGER </b> Are you ready? <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> We gotta run. Happy birthday! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself) I can't believe it-- I got *nothing*! I don't even <b> </b><b> </b> know her name! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself, *very* quickly) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and <b> </b><b> </b> Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That wasn't so bad, really... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Y'know, uh, you could use a little work on your manners. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? What did I do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I just don't appreciate these little "courtesy responses", <b> </b><b> </b> like I'm selling you aluminum siding. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was listening! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! You couldn't wait to get back to your little... "conversation". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh-huh... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where you had, uh, wooden teeth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! No! *You* had wooden teeth! *You* had wooden teeth! *I* <b> </b><b> </b> didn't have wooden teeth, *you* did! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, so *I* had wooden teeth, so what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So nothing... Nothing... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic <b> </b><b> </b> relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> himself. He said ``Yeah, I got this new thing-- "platonic". My <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> idea, my name, callin' it after myself... What I do is, I go *out* <b> </b><b> </b> with the girls, I *talk* with them-- don't *do* anything... and go <b> </b><b> </b> right home. What'dya think? I think it's going to be *big*!'' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> relationships named after them, but it didn't work. Y'know, I bet <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, it's a <b> </b> *"Riconic"* relationship...'' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Ah, there he is! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your <b> </b><b> </b> bed! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Y'know, Jerry, we don't have to do this... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you talkin' about? It's fine, I love having you here... <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Tomorrow we'll go to a hotel. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ma, will you stop? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> No, why should we take over your apartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't care-- I'm sleeping next door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Your friend Kramer doesn't mind? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, he's making a bouillabaisse. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So Dad, lemme ask you a question. How many people work at these big <b> </b><b> </b> law offices? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Depends on the firm. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they <b> </b><b> </b> would know who it was? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What's the matter? You need a lawyer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works, but I <b> </b><b> </b> don't know her name. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So why don't you ask someone who was at the party? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I can't ask her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because it's complicated-- there's some tension there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He used to go with her... <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Which one is she? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> From Maryland. The one who brought you the chocolate covered <b> </b><b> </b> cherries you didn't like. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Oh yeah, very alert. Warm person. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, she's great. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> So, how come nothing materialized there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's a tough thing to talk about... I dunno... <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I know what it was... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't know what it was... <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> So, what was it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, we fight a lot for some reason... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> H + M </b> Oh, well... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well, I think she's a very attractive girl. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, she is, she absolutely is. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I can see if there was a *weight* problem... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's not that. It wasn't all one-sided. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You know, you can't be so particular. Nobody's perfect. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, I know... <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Y'know Jerry, it's a good thing I wasn't so particular. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Idiot... (To Jerry) So who're you looking for, Sophia Loren? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's got *nothin'* to do with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> How about Loni Anderson? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Where do you get Loni Anderson? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Why, what's wrong with Loni Anderson? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I like *Elaine* more than Loni Anderson... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you two talking about? Look, Elaine just wasn't "the one". <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> And this other one's "the one"? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno, maybe... <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So ask Elaine there for the number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't-- she'll get upset. I never talk about other women with her, <b> </b><b> </b> especially this one tonight. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> How could you still see her if your not interested? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're *friends*. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Doesn't sound like you're friends to me. If you were friends you'd <b> </b><b> </b> ask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well, go up to the office. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Up to her office? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Go to the building. She goes out to lunch, doesn't she? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess... <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for her to <b> </b><b> </b> come down for lunch. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mean "stakeout" the lobby? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Morty, that's ridiculous. Just ask Elaine for the number! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> He doesn't want to ask Elaine for the number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> So you've got him standing by the elevator like a *dope*! What <b> </b><b> </b> happens when he sees her? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> He pretends he *bumped* into her! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y'know what? This is *not* that *bad* an idea... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What does she look like? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno. Hard to say. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What actress does she remind you of? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Loni Anderson. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Loni Anderson?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, there's something wrong with Loni Anderson? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey listen, thanks again for running over here. I appreciate it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 48th st. Besides, you think <b> </b><b> </b> I wanna miss this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm a little nervous. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, me too... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If I see her, what do I say that I'm doing here in the building? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You came to see me; I work in the building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm an *architect*. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're an *architect*? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't see architecture comin from you... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I suppose *you* could be an architect... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I never said that I was the architect. Just somethin' else... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, she's not even gonna ask, if we *see* her, which is remote. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what'dya want me to say, that I just wandered in here?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We're having lunch with a friend-- he works in the building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is *his* name? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No good? Alright, how about Art... Corr..... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Art Corr... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...velay... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Corvelay? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what does *he* do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's an importer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just imports, no exports? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's an importer/exporter, okay? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Say, did Elaine ever call you back? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I guess she's still mad. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't understand, you never talk to her about other women? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Never. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second... That's her... on the right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I forgot who I am! Who am I?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're you. We're having lunch with Art Corvelay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Vandelay! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Corvelay! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me be the architect, I can do it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, hey... Pamela's birthday party, didn't I see you there... <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Sure! Hi! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is George. ("Grasps" for her name) I'm sorry... <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Vanessa. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> That's right! What're you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, were meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here in the <b> </b><b> </b> building. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, Art *Vandelay*. <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Really? Which company? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. He's an importer. <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Importer? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...And exporter. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's an importer/exporter. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm, uh, I'm an architect. <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Really. What do you design? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, railroads, uh... <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> I thought engineers do that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They can... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y'know I'm sorry you had to leave so early the other night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Oh, me too. My cousin had to go back to Boston. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, that guy was your *cousin*! <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Yeah, and that woman was your-- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Friend! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll just, uh, get a paper... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, um, do you date immature men? <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Almost exclusively... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Bum bum bum bum... I have no letters... Bum bum bum bum... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ma, will you go already? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Bum bum bum bum... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing?! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Wait, I just want to see something... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't look in there, we're playing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Evening, Mr. Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey Morty! (To Jerry) Salad dressing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> "Quo"? Is that a word? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Will you challenge it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ma, you can't look up words in the dictionary! Dad, she's cheating! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> "Quo"? That's not a word. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (To Jerry) You're such a stickler... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well put *something* down, you're taking twenty minutes on this. <b> </b><b> </b> So is Uncle Mac, and Artie, they're all coming over here before the <b> </b><b> </b> wedding? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> They'll be here at two o'clock... Oh, Elaine called. She said <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHE'D BE HERE AT 2 </b> 30. Oh, and she says ``Hope your meeting went <b> </b><b> </b> well with Art... "Vandelay"?'' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She said *what*? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Just what I said, here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She knows! Oh, I am *such* a *jackass*... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> She knows what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She knows the whole stupid thing... Vanessa and the elevator... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> No, no, no, that won't do. He may have a "Z"... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So, how did she find out? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because, Vanessa probably told Pamela, and Pamela probably told <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So, what are you? Afraid of her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. *Yes* *I* *am*! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What else did she say on the phone? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Whatever I wrote down. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Who am I, Rich Little? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well, she can't be too mad-- she's still coming to the wedding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but now I'm nervous. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh, stop it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Quone"? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b><b> ...30...31... </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b><b> ...32... </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a <b> </b><b> </b> *definite* word. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I am challenging... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Quone: to quone something. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-huh... <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I'm not playing with you anymore... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Quone's not a word... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off... <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Why did you make me put that down? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Nah, we need a *medical* dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, <b> </b><b> </b> you *quone* him... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> You want some funny material, you oughta come down to where I work, <b> </b><b> </b> now that's a sitcom! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You must have quite a time down there. (Checks his watch) <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> We got plenty of time... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just waiting for someone... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAC </b> Watch what you say to this guy-- he'll put it in his next act! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah... <b> </b><b> MAC </b> Jerry, did I tell you that I'm writing a book? An autobiography. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAC </b> It's based on all my experiences! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's perfect. (Elaine enters) Could you excuse me one second. <b> </b><b> </b> I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you do, Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, how do you do. Elaine Benes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Um, do you want to do this now, or do you want to wait until we get <b> </b><b> </b> in the car? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh no, let's do it now. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, the whole elevator business, let me just explain-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay... <b> </b><b> ARTIE </b> Jerry, were you goin' with us? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm gonna take my car. <b> </b><b> ARTIE </b> That's why I brought the wagon. Why the Hell did I bring the wagon? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anyway, you know why I didn't ask you, I mean I felt so <b> </b><b> </b> uncomfortable, and you were *so* annoyed in the cab. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with anyone before. It was <b> </b><b> </b> quite the spectacle. <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Jerry, we'll see you there. Bye, Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, bye. Good to see you. <b> </b><b> ARTIE </b> Oh, we didn't meet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin Artie Levine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ARTIE </b> Le*vine*. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, "Le*vine*". And I'm Jerry Cougar Mellencamp... Anyway, I <b> </b><b> </b> admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> obviously we have a little problem here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, obviously. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, if we're gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk about <b> </b><b> </b> other people... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Couldn't agree more. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Great! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Great? Where do you get "great"? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's great to... talk about... other people... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...Guys. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-huh... Yeah... So, anybody specific? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. A general guy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh *really*... Elaine Marie Benes... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? No, it's not a big deal. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, that's great! That's terrific! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, we just met... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Doesn't matter. What's the young man's name? I would like to <b> </b><b> </b> meet him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't think so... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a labourer <b> </b><b> </b> of some sort? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wall street. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ahh, high finance: bulls... bears... people from Conneticut. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And he happens to be pretty good lookin' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pause) Alright, sir. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And... he's *hilarious*. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now that's not fair! So where did you meet this guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I "staked" out his health club. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When you're on a stakeout, do you find it's better to stand up <b> </b><b> </b> against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y'know I think that even if you've had a relationship with someone, <b> </b><b> </b> or let's say, *especially* if you've had a relationship with someone <b> </b><b> </b> and you try to become friends afterwards, it's very difficult. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Isn't this? It's hard. Because, you know each other so well, you <b> </b> know all of each others tricks. It's like two magicians, trying to entertain each other. <b> </b> The one goes, "Look, a rabbit." <b> </b> The other goes, "So? ... I believe this is your card." <b> </b> "Look, why don't we just saw each other in half and call it a night? Okay?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Stakeout Script

1990-06-07

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE ROBBERY </b> Written by Matt Goldman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I move into the centre lane, now I get ahead of this <b> </b><b> </b> women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the finger. It seems like such an... arbitrary, ridiculous <b> </b> thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. <b> </b> (shows several fingers to the audience) It's a finger, what <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work? <b> I </b><b> </b><b> </b> mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> gotta get the shoe off, the sock of and drive, get it up and <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> uh (pretends to drive with one foot in the air and speaks to <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> person driving next to him) look at that toe, buddy. (puts his <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> foot down) I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe, <b> </b> isn't it ? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is packing. Elaine is sitting <b> </b> at the table watching Jerry) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that it? Got the cue tips, got the mini-umbrella, <b> </b><b> </b> something boring to read on the plane. (zips his bag with <b> </b> exaggerated motions) That's it. Done! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (claps her hands) That is the single greatest packing <b> </b><b> </b> performance I have ever seen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (proudly) I am...the master packer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughs) Yeah, right, you're the master packer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What you must understand, Elaine, (picks up the <b> </b><b> </b> umbrella) packing is no different than leading men into <b> </b><b> BATTLE </b> you've gotta know the strengths and weaknesses (hits <b> </b><b> </b> his bag rhythmically with his umbrella) of every soldier in <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of <b> </b> ordinary black socks. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 'Scuse me...master packer! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just gimme your keys. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, sir. (tosses Elaine his keys; apartment buzzer <b> </b><b> </b> goes of, Jerry speaks over the intercom) George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (outside over the intercom) Yeah <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Jerry opens the door) OK, so, now, is there anything <b> </b><b> </b> else I need to know 'bout this place? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> uh, yeah, the uuhh, hot water takes a little while to <b> </b><b> </b> come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all <b> </b> your shopping, you...come back and take a shower. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> OK, this is quite a place. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's more, the refrigerator. (Opens it) Deduct a <b> </b><b> </b> minimum of two days of all expiration dates. (uses the <b> </b> umbrella to point to certain compartments in the refrigerator) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> No meat, no leftovers, no butter. (closes the refrigerator) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> that clear? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll eat out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> One more thing, Benes, regarding sexual activity: <b> </b><b> </b> strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BIG FAVOUR </b> do it in the tub. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (walks in) Ready? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, one sec. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (closes the door) Hey, Elaine <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Coming to the airport with us? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I'm staying here for the weekend. I'm getting a <b> </b><b> </b> break from my roommate. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, the actress-waitress. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, the waitress-actress. She just got some part in <b> </b><b> </b> some dinner-theater production of a Chorus Line. So, now all day <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it". She's gonna get it <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> right in her... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You just kick her out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She's on the lease!...George you have got to find an <b> </b><b> </b> other place for me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, well...a little ruff finding something good in <b> </b><b> </b> your price-range. (looks like he remembers something and turns <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to Jerry) But you, my friend, may be in luck. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not looking. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No no no, this one's different, this one's a beauty! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, what's it like? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I haven't seen it yet, but it's a "two-bedroom", it's <b> </b><b> </b> on the uh, west 83rd, 'bout a half block from the park? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How much? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, twice what you pay in here, but it's a great <b> </b><b> </b> building, it's two bedrooms! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough <b> </b><b> </b> trouble maintaining activity in one. (George looks at Elaine <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> with a "he's-crazy-look"; Jerry turns around) I saw that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You oughtta least take a look at it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? Why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 'Cause then I could move in here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ooohhhh <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's time you got out a here anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, tell'm, but quickly, I'm double parked here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Listen, Jerry, this place is falling apart. You have <b> </b><b> </b> no hot water, you can't have soft cheese... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let's not forget the radiator, the steam has been on <b> </b><b> </b> here for ten years; no human can turn this off. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, come on, you're doin' OK now, you should at <b> </b><b> </b> least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> like this. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like this? You just said, you wanted to live here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from <b> </b><b> </b> Island to Finland. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, what do ya...you wanna...you wanna see the <b> </b><b> </b> place or not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't think about it now. Come on, I'm going to <b> </b><b> </b> Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. Jerry enters his apartment with his <b> </b> bags.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine! (puts his bags down, sits down on the couch, <b> </b><b> </b> picks up the remote control and tries to turn on his TV) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (notices the TV is missing) ELAINE! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (from the bathroom) JERRY! (enters the living-room) <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Great, I had fun, where's the TV, where's the VCR. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine looks guilty) What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They were stolen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stolen? When? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A couple a hours ago, the police are coming right <b> </b><b> </b> over. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stolen? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Kramer enters the apartment) Someone left the door <b> </b><b> </b> open. (it's clear that she means Kramer; she walks to the <b> </b> bathroom) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Kramer) You left the door open?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, Jer, well ya know, I was cookin' and I, I uh, I <b> </b><b> </b> came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, 'cause <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I was gonna bring the spatula right back! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait, you left the lock open or the door open? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (bobs his head guiltily) The door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The door? You left the door open? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula right back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, and? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I got caught up... watching a soap opera...(with <b> </b><b> </b> a broken voice) The Bold and the Beautiful <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So the door was wide open? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wide open! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Elaine enters the living-room) And where were you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I was at Bloomingdale's...waiting for the shower to <b> </b><b> </b> heat up. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you have insurance, <b> </b><b> </b> right buddy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (looks shocked) How can you not have insurance? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because...I spent my money on the Clapgo D. 29, it's <b> </b><b> </b> the most impenetrable lock on the market today...it has only <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ONE DESIGN FLAW </b> the door...(shuts the door) must be <b> CLOSED. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm gonna solve it, <b> </b><b> </b> I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me back, it was an <b> </b><b> </b> accident. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (theatrical) I made a mistake. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (idem) These things happen <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (idem) I'm human <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In your way. <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. A policeman is filling out a <b> </b> report. Jerry and Elaine are there.) <b> </b><b> POLICEMAN </b> Let's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo, one leather <b> </b><b> </b> jacket, a VCR and a computer...is that 'bout it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Answering machine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (disappointed) Answering machine. Oh, I hate the idea <b> </b><b> </b> of somebody out there returning my calls. <b> </b><b> POLICEMAN </b> What do ya mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a joke. <b> </b><b> POLICEMAN </b> I see...Well, mister Seinfeld uh, we'll look into <b> </b><b> </b> it and uh, we'll let you know if we uh, you know, if we find <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> anything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You ever find anything? <b> </b><b> POLICEMAN </b> No. (hands Jerry his copy of the report) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, thanks anyway. <b> </b><b> POLICEMAN </b> You bet. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Policeman leaves the apartment, while George enters) <b> </b><b> </b> I didn't get that joke either. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The crook has the machine. The messages aren't for him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HE'S THE CROOK </b> why would he answer...(turns around and sees <b> </b><b> </b> George standing behind him) How did you get in here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (makes some weird motions) I walked in, your lobby <b> </b><b> </b> door is broken again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Again. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know how you put up with this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, tell'm George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Elaine) You would still wanna move in here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes! You don't understand. I'm living with Ethel <b> </b><b> </b> Merman without the talent. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) Is that uh, other apartment still <b> </b><b> </b> available. (George shows him the keys) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got ripped off for about the...18th time? And now, <b> </b><b> </b> the first couple a times you go through it, it's very <b> </b> upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SAY </b> "Call the police. You really should call the police." So <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts...I'm gonna <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> see some real action." Right, you think that. So, the police <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GIVE YOU </b> your copy. Now...unless they give the crook his <b> </b><b> </b> copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do <b> </b> you?...It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for <b> </b> their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "Did you lose a sony? It could be the Penguin...I think we can <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> round him up, he's dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> he's a PENGUIN! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The apartment on 83rd street. George, Elaine and Jerry <b> </b> are entering the apartment.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (looks around) Oh, well, come on...this is an <b> </b><b> </b> apartment, this is a home! This is a place to live...Oohhh, a <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> fireplace, are you kidding me! Does this work? (takes a closer <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> look at the fireplace) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't know there was a fireplace. A fireplace, this <b> </b><b> </b> is incredible. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you get all that wood in here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They deliver it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They deliver wood? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Whatta ya tip a "wood guy"? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (looking intensively at the form with the apartment <b> </b><b> </b> description) I didn't know there was a fireplace? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look! Look at...look at this! There's a garden. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A garden! I can't believe there's a garden! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Would I have to get a gardener? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, you can get a gardener. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You tip him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Elaine) You don't tip a gardener! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can tip a gardener. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't need a gardener. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, you can barbecue back here (points to garden). <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They deliver the coal? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sure, it's...probably the same guy, who delivers the <b> </b><b> </b> wood. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, than I gotta tip him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh damn, this place is incredible, look at all this <b> </b><b> </b> great light! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't have any plants. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have plants. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, look at this closet! Look at this! I'm walking <b> </b><b> </b> in it! (walks in the closet) It's a "walk-in". Can you believe <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> it? I'm nuts about this, what do you think?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (closes the closet with Elaine still in it)...I like <b> </b><b> </b> that. (opens the closet, Elaine walks out with an angry look) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> What do ya think, George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's your decision. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (walks around with Elaine walking next to him, copying <b> </b><b> </b> his every move. Suddenly Jerry stops walking; Elaine is not <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> able to copy this "move"; they look at each other laughing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I'm takin' it, I'm takin' the place, I'm gonna take it, this <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> is gonna be my new place, I'm livin' here...I'm movin'. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughing with joy) Your movin'? That means I'm <b> </b><b> </b> movin'. (hugs Jerry) Gheeeeee (runs to George) isn't that <b> </b> incredible! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Congratulations. (obviously not so thrilled by the <b> </b><b> </b> fact) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine are there.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about the couch? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You like the couch? I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're movin' in, you're a good friend, I wanna start <b> </b><b> </b> you off on the right foot. Give me...$150 dollars. (Elaine <b> </b> looks shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall) Get it out a <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> here right now, take it out the door, I don't even wanna see <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> it, go, get it out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A $150 dollars? A $150 dollars for what? For this <b> </b><b> </b> couch? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> For this couch?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (shuts the door) OK, you tell me, what is it worth? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> OK, uuhh...I'll tell you what...I could go as high as <b> </b><b> </b> uh... (takes a closer look at couch) I don't know, maybe...$20 <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> dollars? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (has a "you-can't-be-serious-look" on his face; the <b> </b><b> </b> apartment buzzer goes off; Jerry speaks over the intercom) <b> </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (outside over the intercom) Yeah, it's George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. (opens the door; walks back to the couch) <b> </b><b> </b> Oh, all right, forget it, I'm gonna take it with me now... <b> </b> (picks up the cushions) I'm just gonna pack up the cushions <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> right now... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> OK ok ok ok, you win: $40 dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You wanna get the other end, 'cause I wanna get it in <b> </b><b> </b> the hall. (acts like he's going to lift up the couch) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> $50 dollars, OK? $50 dollars, is that all right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> $50 dollars? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you very much. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thank you very much. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (walks in and closes the door) Hey, what's goin' on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I just bought Jerry's couch for $50 dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) So did you bring the lease? (George takes <b> </b><b> </b> the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry) All <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> right, ghee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry (said very quickly), <b> </b><b> </b> listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at <b> </b><b> ALL, AT ALL </b> do not feel like you have to take it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want <b> </b><b> </b> it, <b> </b> don't worry about it because uh, ya know, I, I...I could take <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> it, ya know. (said with a "for-instance-look" on his face) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You could take it? You want it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I don't want it. I want it, if you don't want it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you do want it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No I, I want it if you don't want it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You just said, you wanted it! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you <b> </b><b> </b> didn't want it, I might take it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (picks up the lease and hands it to George) So take it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (refuses to take the lease from Jerry; Elaine looks <b> </b><b> </b> worried) How can I take it?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How can I take it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's your apartment! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How can I want it now, if you want it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Excuse me, uuhh, I don't mean to cause any trouble <b> </b><b> </b> here, but George, if you take it, can I take your place? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, but I am not taking it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I...am not taking it. (drops the lease demonstratively) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, one of you better damn well take it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, whatta you wanna do here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I, I don't know. (makes a gesture, that he doesn't <b> </b><b> </b> know) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you wanna flip a coin? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...Who flips?...You'll flip, I'll call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> OK, fine...(takes a coin from his pocket) This is the <b> </b><b> </b> official flip! No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and <b> </b> that's it, agreed? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know, who to rune for, George's place has <b> </b><b> </b> carpeting. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, now you call it in the air. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No catchin'. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No no. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Flip it. (Jerry flips the coin) Heads! (the coin hits <b> </b><b> </b> the table. It falls on the floor; they all look intently at <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the coin) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tails! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, it hit the table, it hit the table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> INTERFERENCE! YOU CAN'T COUNT THAT. </b><b> COME ON, ARE YOU </b><b> </b><b> </b> CRAZY?!! THE COIN CAN NOT TOUCH ANYTHING, it affects it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You didn't call no interference! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL THAT. THAT'S </b><b> A RULE!! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't believe this. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you win. Take it, <b> </b><b> </b> just take it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't wanna win it like this! Elaine, what do ya <b> </b><b> </b> think? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'd better not... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...Well, I'll tell ya what: I'll choose you for it. <b> </b><b> </b> Straight choose, three takes it, no disputes...that's it, you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> gotta win three. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> OK (they walk around each other)...OK. I'll choose <b> </b><b> </b> you...whatta ya want? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Odds <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I want evens. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You got odds. <b> </b> JERRY You got evens. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right, ready. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> For the apartment. (they take their "choose positions") <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOTH </b> Once, twice, three, shoot! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mine! <b> </b><b> BOTH </b> Once, twice, three, shoot! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mine! (George walks to the table to take a break) <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOTH </b> (they take their positions again) Once, twice, three, <b> </b><b> </b> shoot! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mine! <b> </b><b> BOTH </b> Once, twice, three, shoot! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Jerry wins, Elaine starts measuring up Jerry's couch) <b> </b><b> </b> Congratulations...congratulations. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks. (George walks to the bathroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (screaming in bathroom) WHAT DID I PUT <b> UP TO? WHAT DID </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> I PUT UP TO? </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (enters the apartment "Kramer-style") Jerry, I think <b> </b><b> </b> I'm on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Englishman, who lives down the hall? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The last couple a days he's been acting very strange; <b> </b><b> </b> I think he's avoiding me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hard to imagine. (ironically) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! And get this: I just got of the elevator with <b> </b><b> </b> him and I tested him, I tested him, like I...this is what I <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> said to him, like I, I was like this (shows how he was acting <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> stuff." <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ya know, very casually, so that he was gonna take me <b> </b><b> </b> in to his confidence. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what did he say? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> "What stuff?". <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ooh, case closed! (ironically) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, you don't understand, you see, he swallowed...see, <b> </b><b> </b> the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something! <b> </b> Now, I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna borrow some tee...if <b> I </b><b> </b><b> </b> don't get back in five minutes, maybe you'd better call the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> police. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> OK, starting (looks at his watch)...NOW! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! (said in his own typical way and he runs off) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> One of the problems in life is that when you're a kid, <b> </b><b> </b> you have a certain way of working out disagreements...and <b> </b> those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main way <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SAY </b> "I got the front seat" (other kid's voice) "I wanted the <b> </b><b> </b> front seat!" (first kid again) "I called it". And the other <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> called it, what can I do?". If there was a "kid-court of law" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> IT HOLDS UP </b> (lawyer's voice) "Your Honour, my client did ask <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> it?" (lawyer's voice again) "Well no, he didn't call..." BANG! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (imitating a hammer being hit by the judge); (judges voice <b> </b> again) "He has to call it, case closed...objection overruled". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Coffee house, called Monk's; Jerry is sitting at a <b> </b> table, George is returning from the bathroom) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (walks towards the table) I love the mirror in that <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> in that mirror. (sits down) I don't know if it's the tile or <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the lighting...I feel like Robert Wagner. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (bobs his head) It's a good mirror...(both look at <b> </b><b> </b> their menus) So, what are ya gettin'? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, I can't eat, ya, ya can't have anything <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRENCH FRIES </b> out, BLT: out!...I go to visit my grandparents: <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> three big brisket sandwiches, I'm sittin' here with a carrot! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you eat that stuff?!"...(they look at their menus again) I'm <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> so sick about losin' that choose, you don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, right, forget it, forget it, I'm not taking the <b> </b><b> </b> place! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How can I live there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at you, you're still thinking about it, I'll never <b> </b><b> </b> feel comfortable. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, get out a here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How can I ever have you over? You'll sit there moping. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mope? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're already moping!...Would you take the place? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, impossible! It's your apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You found the place. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You won the choose. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, forget it, it's over, I'm not moving. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, me neither. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Definitely? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Definitely. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, than just get rid of it. You won't have any <b> </b><b> </b> problem. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, it's not a problem, I can get rid of the apartment <b> </b><b> </b> this afternoon. (a waitress approaches) <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> What apartment? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, it's a great place, it's uh "two-bedroom" uh, west <b> </b><b> </b> 83rd 'bout half block from the park. <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> What's the rent? <b> </b> (The apartment on 83rd street. The waitress bought it; <b> </b> Jerry, Elaine and George are invited, they're sitting on a <b> </b> couch, all three moping) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, what we're doin' here, this is <b> </b><b> </b> ridiculous. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She wanted to thank us for the apartment. (very <b> </b><b> </b> irritated) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe I lost the deposit on that u-hall. (I <b> </b><b> </b> can't quite understand what she'd saying here)And I threw out <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> my couch. (She slaps Jerry on the leg) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If only the coin hadn't hit the table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The table is interference, you know it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It is not! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It is too! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My roommate starts rehearsal tonight on Carrousel. <b> </b><b> </b> (irritated) <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi, Carol. <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> I just wanted to introduce you to my husband, this is <b> </b><b> </b> Larry (points to her husband; Jerry, Elaine and George get <b> </b> up). This is George, Elaine and Jerry (points to them) (to <b> </b> Larry) These are the guys who got us the apartment. <b> </b><b> LARRY </b> Oh, you don't know how grateful I am, if there's <b> </b><b> </b> anything I can ever do to repay you, I, I mean, we're just so <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> thrilled with this place. <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> It's a dream. <b> </b><b> LARRY </b> I'm running in the park now, I've lost weight, we're <b> </b><b> </b> barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We're really glad for ya. (very sadly) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Couldn't be happier. (idem) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's wonderful. (idem; they sit down again) <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Diane, Diane, come here. (she beckons a women; she <b> </b><b> </b> comes to the couch) This is my new next door neighbour, Diane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry, Elaine and George get up; Diane appears to be very <b> </b> attractive) (to Diane) These are the guys, who turned this <b> </b> place down, can you believe it? (to Jerry, George and Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Diane gave me the greatest backrub today, she's a masseuse! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DIANE </b> How, how could you guys have turned this place down, <b> </b><b> </b> it's such a great location and it's...so close to the park. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We're aware of the proximity to the park, yes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DIANE </b> Well, it was nice to meet you. (she walks away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nice meeting you. (shakes Carol's hand; they sit down <b> </b><b> </b> again; Carol walks away) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How late are the stores open? I'm thinking of maybe uh, <b> </b><b> </b> buying a new TV and smash it over my head. (two men are <b> </b> standing behind the couch talking) <b> </b><b> RIGHT MAN </b> I get a call from Gilmore this morning and get <b> </b><b> </b><b> THIS </b> they're restructuring the organization in Atlanta and I <b> </b><b> </b> gotta be there on the first of the month. <b> </b><b> LEFT MAN </b> Really? What are you gonna 'bout the apartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RIGHT GUY </b> Well, what can I do? Give it up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Robbery Script

1990-06-14

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> MALE UNBONDING </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Nightclub) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Most men like working on things, tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guy's out in his driveway working on <b> </b><b> </b> something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering out of the house like zombies. <b> </b><b> </b> Men, it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. Just.. you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, "Honey, I think Jim's working on something over <b> </b><b> </b> there." So they run over to the guy. Now they don't actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. That's what men <b> </b><b> </b> want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, "What are you using, the Philips head?" You know, <b> </b><b> </b> we feel involved. That's why when they have construction sites, they have to have those wood panel fences around it, that's just to keep the men out. They cut those <b> </b><b> </b> little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But if they don't cut those holes - we are climbing those fences. Right over there. "What are you using the <b> </b><b> </b> steel girders down there? Yeah, that'll hold." <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment building) <b> </b> (Jerry and George are waiting for the elevator) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I had to say something. I had to say something. Everything was going so well; I had to say something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think you did anything wrong. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I told her I liked her. Why? Why did I tell her I like her? I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel. I like you I don't tell you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We can only thank God for that. <b> </b> (Elevator opens, they get on) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm outta the picture. I am outta the picture. (laughs) It's only a matter of time now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're imagining this. Really. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh no. No, no, no, no. <b> </b> (elevator doors close) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll tell you when it happened. When that floss came flying out of my pocket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What floss? When? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We were in the lobby during the intermission of the play. I was buying her one of those containers of orange drink, for five dollars. I reached into my <b> </b><b> </b> pocket to pay for it, I looked down; there's this piece of green floss hanging from my fingers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, mint. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course. So, I'm looking at it, I look up, I see she's looking at it. Our eyes lock. It was a horrible moment. I just.. <b> </b><b> </b> (eleveator doors open, they get off) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So let me get this straight: she saw the floss, you panicked and you told her you liked her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If I didn't put that floss in my pocket, I'd be crawling around her bedroom right now looking for my glasses. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And you're sure the floss was the catalyst? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, I am. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (looks at a carrying pouch George is wearing) You don't think it might've had anything to do with that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? You don't like this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It looks like your belt is digesting a small animal. <b> </b><b> </b> (they go into Jerry's apartment to find Kramer talking on the phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, they've got a cure for cancer. See, it's all big business.. Oh hey, Jerry just walked in. Hi, George. (resumes talking on the phone) Yeah, yeah yeah, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> yeah, take my number - 555-8643. Okay, here he is. (hands phone to Jerry.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Kramer) Who is it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Take it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who is it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's for you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (into phone) Hello? Oh, hi Joel. (Jerry hits Kramer with a magazine.) .. No. I was out of town. I just got back.. Kramer doesn't know anything.. He's just <b> </b><b> </b> my next-door neighbor. Uh.. nothing much.. Tuesday? Uh, Tuesday, no. I'm meeting somebody.. Uh, Wednesday? Wednesday's okay.. Alright. Uh, I'm a little busy <b> </b><b> </b> right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning? .. Okay.. yeah.. right.. thanks.. bye. (hangs up, then addresses Kramer) Why did you put me on the phone with him? I <b> </b><b> </b> hate just being handed a phone. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's your phone. He wanted to talk to you <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe I didn't want to talk to him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He bothers me. I don't even answer the phone anymore because of him. He's turned me into a screener. Now I gotta go see him on Wednesday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you mean Wednesday? I though we had tickets to the Knick game Wednesday. We got seats behind the bench! What happened? We're not <b> </b><b> </b> going? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're going. That's next Wednesday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. Who is this guy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> His name is Joel Horneck. He lived like three houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer the rest of <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten. I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table.. he's so self-involved. <b> </b><b> </b> (phone rings, Kramer pulls his phone out of his pocket) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's for me. (into phone) Kramerica Industries.. Oh, hi, Mark.. No, no, no. Forget that. I got a better idea. A pizza place where you make your own <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> pie. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can you conduct your business elsewhere? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (ignoring Jerry) No, no, no. I'm talking about a whole chain of 'em. Yeah. (Kramer leaves Jerry's apartment while still on the phone.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know why you even bother with this ping pong guy, I'll tell you that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't bother with him. He's been calling me for seven years. I've never called him once! He's got the attention span of a five-year-old. Sometimes I sit <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> there and I make up things just to see if he's paying attention. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't understand why you spend time with this guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What can I do? Break up with him? Tell him "I Don't think we're right for each other.." He's a guy. At least with a woman, there's a precendent. You know, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the relationship goes sour, you end it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, no,no you have to approach this as if he was a woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just break up with him? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Absolutely. You just tell him the truth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Nightclub) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> As a guy I don't know how I can break up with another guy. You know what I mean? I don't know how to say, "Bill, I feel I need to see other men." Do <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you know what I mean? There's nothing I can do. I have to wait for someone to die. I think that's the only way out of this relationship. It could be a long time. See, <b> </b><b> </b> the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends just because they're two guys. That's almost <b> </b><b> </b> all we need to have in common. 'Cause sports - sports and women - is really all we talk about. If there was no sports and no women the only thing guys would ever <b> </b><b> </b> say is "So, what's in the refrigerator?" <b> </b> (Coffee Shop) <b> </b> (Jerry and Joel are sitting at a table) <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> ..so my shrink wants me to bring my mother in for a session. This guy is a brilliant man. Lenny Bruce used to go to him.. and I think, uh, Geraldo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I read the Lenny Bruce biography, I thought it was really - interesting.. he would- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> (interrupting) Hey, hey, hey, hey we're starving here! We've been waiting here for ten minutes already! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (testing Joel) So, I'm thinking about going to Iran this summer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> I have to eat! I mean, I'm hypoglycemic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anyway, the Hizballah has invited me to perform. You know, it's their annual terrorist luncheon. I'm gonna do it is Farsi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Do you think I need a haircut? <b> </b> (waitress comes to their table) <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Are you ready? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I'll have the egg salad on whole wheat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Let me ask you a question. This, uh, this turkey sandwich here, is that real turkey, or is it a turkey roll? I don't want that processed turkey. I hate it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> I think it's real turkey. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Is there a real bird in the back? <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> No, there's not bird but- <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Well, how do you know for sure? Look, why don't you do me a favor. Why don't you go in the back and find out, okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (waitress leaves) <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> (cont.) Unbelievable.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How can you talk to someone like that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Listen, Joel. There's something I have to tell you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Wait, you'll never guess who I ran into. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY AND JOEL </b> Howard metro. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> He asked me if I still saw you. I said, "Sure, I see him all the time. We're great friends." Anyway, Howard says hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..listen, Joel.. I don't think we should see each other anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This friendship.. it's not working. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Not working? What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're just not suited to be friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> How can you say that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, you're a nice guy, it's just that - we don't have anything in common. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> (starting to cry) Wait. Wat did I do? Tell me.. I want to know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You didn't do anything. It's not you, it's me. It's.. this is very difficult. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Look, I know I call you too much, right? I mean, I know you're a very busy guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's not that. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> (crying) You're one of the few people I can talk to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, come on. That's not true. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> I always tell everybody about you; tell everybody to go see your show. I mean, I'm your biggest fan! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, I know. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> I mean, you're my best friend. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Best friend? I've never been to your apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> I cannot believe that this is happening. I can't believe it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, okay. Forget it. It's okay. Id didn't mean it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Didn't mean what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What I said. I've been under a lot of stress. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Oh, you've been under a lot of stress. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just, can we just forget the whole thing ever happend? I'm sorry. I din't mean it. I took it out on you. We're still friends. We're still friends. Still friends. <b> </b><b> </b> Okay? Look, I'll tell you what. I've got Knick tickets this Wednesday. Great seats behind the bench. You want to come with me? Come on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Tonight? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight, I would've said tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Do you really want me to go? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (faking) Yes. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Okay. yeah, okay. Great! That would be, that'd be great.. so, next Wednesday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Next Wednesday. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Where is that waitress?! Hey! .. <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Bank) <b> </b> (Jerry is at the counter, filling out a slip; George is carrying a jug full of pennies.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ..she calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, the four worst words in the English language. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That, or "Who's bra is this?" <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That is worse. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So we order lunch, and we're talking. Finally, she blurts out how it's "not working". <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, I'm thinking, as she's saying this, I'm thinking: great, the relationship's over. But the egg salad's on the way. So now I have a decision - do I walk or <b> </b><b> </b> do I eat? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hm? You ate. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We sat there for twenty minutes, chewing, staring at each other in a defunct relationship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Someone says, "Get out of my life!" and that doesn't affect your appetite? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Have you ever had their egg salad? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It is unbelievable. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's unbelievable. You know what else is unbelievable? I picked up the check. She didn't even offer. She ended it. The least she could do is send me off <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> with a sandwich. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (looking at George's penny jug) How much could you possibly have in there? GEORGE: It's my money. What should I do? Throw it out the window? I <b> </b><b> </b> know guy who took his vacation on change. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? Where'd he go? To and arcade? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (sarcastic) That's funny. You're a funny guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon, move up. <b> </b> (George moves up in the bank line) <b> </b><b> CUSTOMER </b> Oh great, Ewing's hurt. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ewing's hurt? How long is he going to be out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CUSTOMER </b> A couple of days at the most but.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Geez. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, God. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got scared there for a second. The Knicks without Ewing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Listen, George, little problem with the game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The thing is, yesterday, I kind of.. uh.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I geve your ticket to Horneck. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You what?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I'm sorry. I had to give it to Horneck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! My ticket?! You gave my ticket to Horneck? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (talking about the line) C'mon, c'mon, go ahead, move up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why did you give him my ticket for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You didn't see him. It was horrible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GOERGE </b> Oh, c'mon, Jerry. I can't believe this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I had to do it. <b> </b> (George is up to the teller, Jerry goes to another one.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, please. (to the teller) Can you change this into bills? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TELLER </b> I'm sorry, sir. We can't do that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you want to go with him? You go. I don't mind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not going with him. I don't even know the guy. (to the teller) Look, they did this for me before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TELLER </b> Look, I can give you these and you can roll them yourself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You want me to roll six thousand of these?! What, should I quit my job?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends.) <b> </b> (Nightclub) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I do not like the bank. I've heard the expression "Laughing all the way to the bank." I have never seen anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate <b> </b><b> </b> it when there's nobody on the line at all, you know that part, you go to the bank, it's empty and you still have to go through the little maze. "Can you get a little piece <b> </b><b> </b> of cheese for me? I'm almost at the front. I'd like a reward for this please." <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (George is stuffing pennies into rolls.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ..Thirty-two, thirty-three- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (raises his hand) Not now.. (counts to himself). <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Could you stop the counting? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nnnnnnnninngaaa! (Dumping out roll) What?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can I make it up to you? I'll give you fifty bucks for the jug. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yeah, sure. Keep your money. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, then I'm not going to the game either. Okay? I'll give him both tickets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pantomimes sticking an imaginary knife in his heart, and twists it) Oh geeeee.. Go, go! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I.. no, I don't want to go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He was really crying? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I had to give him a tissue. In fact, let me call his machine now and I'll just make up some excuse why I can't go to the game either. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute. Wait a minute. As long as you're going to lie to the guy, why don't you tell him that you lost both of the tickets, then we could go? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, the man wept. <b> </b> (Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey guys. Man, I'm telling you. This pizza idea, is really going to happen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is the thing where you go and you have to make your own pizza? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, we give you the dough, you smash it, you pound it, you fling it in the air; and then you get to put your sauce and you get to sprinkle your cheese, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and they - you slide it into the oven. <b> </b><b> GOERGE </b> You know, you have to know how to do that. You can't have people shoving their arms into a six-hundred degree oven. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's all supervised. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, well. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All of it. You want to invest? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My money's all tied up in change right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I'm tellin' ya, people, they really want to make their own pizza pie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have to say something. With all due respect, I just never.. I can't imagine anyone in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own <b> </b><b> </b> pizza pie.. but that's me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm just saying.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, okay. I just wanted to check with you guys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, this business is going to be big. I just wanted .. okay. (he exits quickly, then sticks his head back through the door) One day, you'll beg me to <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> make your own pie. (he leaves) <b> </b> (Jerry dials up Joel) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, Joel. This is Jerry. I hope you get this before you - Oh, Hi. Joel.. oh, you just came in.. listen, I can't amke it to the game tonight. I, uh, have to tutor my <b> </b><b> </b> nephew - Yeah, he's got an exam tomarrow.. geometry.. you know, trapezoids, rhombus.. Anyway, listen, you take the tickets. They're at the Will-Call window.. <b> </b><b> </b> And I'm really sorry.. Have a good time. We'll talk next week. Okay.. yeah, I don't.. fine.. fine.. bye. (he hangs up). <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Trapezoid? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. I'm really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some kind of excuse Rolodex. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends.) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment, night time) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come on, let's go do something. I don't want to just sit around here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Want to go get something to eat? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where do you want to go? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't care, I'm not hungry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We could go to one of those cappuccino places. They let you just sit there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are we gonna do there? Talk? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We can talk. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll go if I don't have to talk. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll just sit there. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay. I'm gonna check my machine first. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine sees a pad by the phone, and starts reading it.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (cont.) "Picking someone up at the airport." "Jury Duty." "Waiting for cable guy." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, just ahnd that over, please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, what is this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a list of excuses, it's for that guy, Horneck, who's at the game tonight with my tickets. I have that list now so in case he calls, I just consult it and i don't <b> </b><b> </b> have to see him. (Elaine laughs.) I need it. (Elaine starts writing on the list.) What are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I got some for you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't need anymore. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, no, no, no, these are good. Listen, listen: "You ran out of underwear, you can't leave the house." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sarcastic) Very funny. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How about: "You've been diagnosed as a multiple personality, you're not even you, you're Dan." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm Dan. Can I have my list back, please? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (gives Jerry the list) Here, here. Jerry Seinfeld, I cannot believe you're doing this. This is absolutely infantile. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What can I do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Deal with it. Be a man! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh no. That's impossible. I'd rather lie to him for the rest of my life that go through that again. He was crying, tears accompanied by mucus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You made a man cry? I've never made a man cry. I even kicked a guy in the groin once and he didn't cry.. I got the cab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A couple of touch monkeys. <b> </b> (Elaine laughs, Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hi Elaine, hey. (to Jerry) Hey, you missed a great game tonight, buddy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Game? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Knock game. Horneck took me. We were sitting two rows behind the bench. We were getting hit by sweat! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait. How does Horneck know you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Last week. When I, you know, game you the phone. He's really into my pizza place idea! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is too much. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wait, what pizza place idea? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You make your own pie! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, that sounds like a great idea. It would be fun. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> (from the hallway.)Kramer.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Perfect. <b> </b> (Horneck enters.) <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Hey.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, who wants meatloaf? <b> </b><b> JERRY AND ELAINE </b> No thanks. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Joel) It's gonna be hot in a minute. (exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> So, I though you were tutoring your nephew? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, we finished early. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Uhm, I'll bet. So, are you going to introduce me to your - nephew? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Whoa, Nelson! This is Elaine? I though you guys split? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're still friends. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> So, thanks again for those tickets. But next week, I'm going to take you. You about next Tuesday night? (to Elaine) And why don't you come along? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no, no. Tuesday's no good becasue we've got choir practice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. I forgot about choir. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We're doing that evening of Eastern European National Anthems. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. You know, the wall being down and everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> (to Jerry) What about Thursday night? I mean they're playing the Sonics. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry shakes his head.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh... Thursday is not good because we've got to get to the hospital to see if we qualify as those organ donors. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> You know, I should really try something like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You really should. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Well, let's just take a look here. (looks at his schedule) Forty-one home games. Saturday night we've got the mavericks. If you don't like the Mavericks, next <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Tuesday - Lakers. I mean, you gotta like Magic, right? Let's see, on the road, on the road, on the road, on the road, back on the fourteenth. They play the Bulls. <b> </b><b> </b> You can't miss Air Jordan.. <b> </b> (Scene ends.) <b> </b> (Nightclub) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I really.. I've come to the conclusion that there are certain friends in you life that they're just always your friends and you have to accept it. You <b> </b><b> </b> see them, you don't really want to see them. You don't call them. They call you. You don't call back. They call again. The only way to get through talking with people <b> </b><b> </b> that you don't really have anything in common with is to pretend you're hosting your own little talk show. This is what I do. You pretend there's a little desk around <b> </b><b> </b> you. The only problem with this is there's no way you can say, "Hey, it's been great having you on the show. Were out of time." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

Male Unbonding Script

1990-06-21

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE STOCK TIP </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Nightclub) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Went out to dinner the other night. Check came at the end of the meal, as it always does. Never liked the check at the end of the meal system, because <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> money's a very different thing before and after you eat. Before you eat money has no value. And you don't care about money when you're hungry, you sit down at a <b> </b><b> </b> restaurant. You're like the ruler of an empire. "More drinks, appetizers, quickly, quickly! It will be the greatest meal of our lives." Then after the meal, you know, <b> </b><b> </b> you've got the pants open, you've got the napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes - then the check comes at that moment. People are always upset, <b> </b><b> </b> you know. They're mystified by the check. "What is this? How could this be?" They start passing it around the table, "Does this look right to you? We're not hungry <b> </b><b> </b> now. Why are we buying all this food?!" <b> </b><b> </b> I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I never heard him say anything really funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed.. I'm sure he's got super humor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You would think that, but either you're born with a sense of humor, or you're not. It's not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the way to the yellow sun of the Earth. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know but he ain't funny. <b> </b> (Elaine joins them, they check their watches.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know, I know. I'm sorry I'm late. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No problem. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I dropped a grape. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pardon? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I dropped a grape in the kitchen and it disappeared. I couldn't find it. I was... I was literally on my knees for ten minutes looking for this stupid grape. I <b> </b><b> </b> have no idea where it went. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Were you crying? I mean, it's just a grape. You'll find it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I'm just getting over an allergy attack. This guy I'm going out with <b> - </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Robert. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Robert. Yes.. thank you. He has two cats and I'm allergic to them. You know, I finally meet a normal man, and I can't even go into his apartment, you <b> </b><b> </b> know. And, of course, my apartment is the actor's studio so we can't go there. It's really causing a lot of problems, you know. He won't even go away fro the <b> </b><b> </b> weekend because of these cats. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Guys with cats.. I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've been thinking about asking this girl I'm, uh, seeing - <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Vanessa. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Vanessa, thank you.. I've been thinking about asking her to go away for a couple of days. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh no. No, no,no,no,no. I'd have to advise against that. What do you know this woman, a month? Let's see, you're going to be with her seventy-two <b> </b><b> </b> hours. That's a dating decathlon. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (balancing a spoon on her nose) Hey, why don't you take her to that place in Vermont I was telling you about? You know, that really charming place with <b> </b><b> </b> the separate faucets for the hot and cold. She'll love it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Elaine) That's exquisite. Listen, uh, if it's not too much trouble, could you pass me that paper over there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine gets the paper, he starts flipping through it.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You better find that grape before it mutates into another life form. (Elaine laughs) There was once a mutant grape that terrorized an entire town in the Texas <b> </b><b> </b> panhandle. They brought in the army, nobody could stop it. Apparently it had a pit of steel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To himself) Up again?! This is incredible. I'm.. I'm getting it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're getting what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A stock. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What stock? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you ever meet my friend, Simons? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe. <b> </b><b> GOERGE </b> He knows this guy, Wilkinson. He made a fortune in the stock market. Now he's got some new thing - you know, there's supposed to be a big merger. <b> </b><b> </b> He wasn't even supposed to say anything. You guys should think about doing this too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How high's it suppose to go? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. But Simons said that if I wanted to get involved, that Wilkinson would tell me the exact right minute to sell. You wanna do it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy.. I don't know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'd do it but I don't have any money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What kind of company is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's Sendrax. They've got some new kind of technique for televising opera. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Televising opera? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Some sort of electronic thingy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, how much are you going to invest? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Unsure) Five thousand.. ten. Ten thousand.. Five thousand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> C'mon. Wilkinson's got millions invested in this stock. It's gone up three points since I've been watching it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What if I lose it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> C'mon, go for twenty-five hundred. We'll do it together. Come on, come on. We're in it together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (gives in) All right -- twenty-five hundred. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's it. <b> </b> (Waitress arrives) <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Yeah, can I take your order? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Gesturing to Jerry) Check the raiser. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My bet? All right.. I'll open with a tuna sandwich. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tuna? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, the dolphin thing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They're dying in the nets. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ooohhh.. You know, the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, can't you incorporate one unselfish act in your daily routine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, when I'm driving, I let people in ahead of me all the time. I'm always waving everybody in. "Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead." ..Alright.. alright. I'll have <b> </b><b> </b> a chicken salad. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And I'm going to have an English muffin with margarine on the side and a cup of coffee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Okay. (To George) What about you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll have the tuna. <b> </b> (Scene ends.) <b> </b> (A Korean Market) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have to say. Those people talking behind us really ruined that movie for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Why didn't you do something? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you want me to do? I have the guy the half-turn. Then I have him the full-turn with the eye roll! I mean, beyond that, I'm risking a punch in the <b> </b><b> </b> mouth.. (To a stock boy) Excuse me, do you have these in the puffs? <b> </b><b> </b><b> STOCK BOY </b> No puffs. Just flakes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have you thought any more about that trip? <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Yeah, I've been thinking about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, my friend told me about this great place in Vermont. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> I don't know. I just worry about trips like this.. It's a lot of pressure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's great! It speeds up the intimacy level. It's like putting the relationship in a time compressor. Where we would be six months from now we accomplish <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (snaps) three days. <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Oh, so you want to move our relationship into Phase Two..? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Exactly. I love Phase Two. Extra toothbrushes, increased call frequency, walking around naked.. You know, the presents get a lot better in Phase Two. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> (Starting to like the idea) Really? Could we go fishing up there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. We can fish. What? Blues, carp, marlin? <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> They have marlin in Vermont? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, big fighting marlin. <b> </b> (Jerry picks up a paper) <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Jerry, the stock is the same as when you checked it earlier. There are no changes after the market closes. The stock is still down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. But this is a different paper. I thought maybe they have, uh, different.. sources. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. Jerry's looking at a road map; Kramer is looking at the paper) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that my paper? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bad news, my friend. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? What news? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sendrax. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, c'mon! It's down again?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Two and a half points. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I can't believe it. Let me see that. (Looks at the paper) That's four and a half points in three days! That's almost half my money! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, I told ya. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) Yeah, you told me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's all manipulated with junk bonds. You can't win. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Holding the phone, calling George) There's one thing I don't understand. Why does it please you? (Into phone) George Costanza, please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, I don't care. I'm just telling you to (yelling) get rid of that stock, now! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Into phone) George, what's going on?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sell it, just say I'm selling! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Into phone) Well, where is the guy?! Nothing? Almost half my money's gone.. Well, call me right back. (Hangs up) Nobody can reach Wilkinson. He <b> </b><b> </b> hasn't been home or in his office in the past three days! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, I can't believe you put your money in that Sendrax. And you could've invested in my roll-out tie dispenser. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Roll-out tie dispenser? What was that one? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, you're in a restaurant. You've got a very big meeting coming up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You just (makes noise) tear it off, and you got a new one right here. Then you're gone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're gone alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Looking at map) Hey, where.. where are you going? You gonna take a trip? The map.. what.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I'm going to Vermont with Vanessa for a few days. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, can I use your place? I got a bunch of friends coming over this weekend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What friends? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's just some people I met at a rock concert. <b> </b><b> </b> (Phone rings) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do you mind if they use your bed? (Jerry give him a look) 'Cause they're really good people, Jerry. I'm telling you. You know, they're anarchists. <b> </b><b> </b> They're.. they're.. they're.. huge. <b> </b> (Jerry answers phone) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George.. what?! You're kidding.. Well, what's wrong?.. So, what are we gonna do?.. Great! Alright, I'll speak to you later. (Hangs up) Wilkinson, the guy <b> </b><b> </b> who's supposed to tell us when to sell the stock, he's in the hospital. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer has a pleased reaction on his face) <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Dry-Cleaning store; Jerry and George are in line) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you don't know what's wrong with him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All Simons was able to find out is that he's in the hospital. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, fine. Has Simons been in touch with him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course he's been in touch with him. He's left two messages. He just hasn't heard back yet, that's all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, this is it. I'm selling. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just give it a little more time. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I never should've gotten involved in this. I'm a nervous wreck. I"m not cut out for investing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, alright. That's it. I'm gonna go down there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> To the hospital. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The hospital? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm going to find out what's going on. Alright? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you nuts? You don't even know they guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what? I'll start talking to him, you know, casual, and I'll work my way around to it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What if he's in an iron lung or something? What are you gonna do? (knocking on glass) "How you feeling, Mr. Wilkinson? (makes hissing sound) By the <b> </b><b> </b> way, what's happening with Sendrax?" <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe he's resting. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who goes to the hospital to rest? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you, a doctor? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, fine, fine. When are you going down there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Today. I'm going today. Just don't do anything until you hear from me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b> (Jerry moves up in line, a woman takes his place. George didn't notice) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To woman, thinking she's Jerry) Boy, I have to get to a bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b> (Woman gives him a look) <b> </b><b> DRY CLEANER </b> May I help you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. It's completely shrunk. There's absolutely no way I can wear it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DRY CLEANER </b> When did you bring it in? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of this shirt?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DRY CLEANER </b> You got a receipt? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't find the receipt. <b> </b><b> DRY CLEANER </b> You should get the receipt. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had the receipt- look at it! It's a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DRY CLEANER </b> Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money?! In fact, forget the money. I don't even <b> </b><b> </b> want the money. I just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want an admission of guilt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DRY CLEANER </b> Maybe you asked for it to be washed? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No.. dry-cleaned. <b> </b><b> DRY CLEANER </b> Let me explain to you something. Okay? With certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Interrupting) You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DRY CLEANER </b> I shrunk it. <b> </b> (Scene ends.) <b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner is so I can say to the dry cleaner, "Well, it's ruined." And of course, the dry cleaner can respond, "It's not <b> </b><b> </b> our fault. We're not responsible. We just ruin the clothes. That ends our legal obligation." You see, the whole problem with dry cleaning is that we all believe that this <b> </b><b> </b> is actually possible. Right? They're cleaning our clothes - but they're not getting anything wet. It's all dry. I know there's gotta be some liquids back there, some fluids <b> </b><b> </b> that they're using. There's no such thing as dry cleaning. When you get something on your shirt, ever get something on your shirt and try to get it off like that (brushes <b> </b><b> </b> shirt) - that's dry cleaning. I don't think that's what they're doing back there. They don't have eighty guys going (with imaginary brush) "Come on, hurry up! There's a <b> </b><b> </b> lot of shirts today." <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Elaine sneezes) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bless you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thank you. What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they're clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers <b> </b><b> </b> four times a day and he can't count to ten. So don't give me hygiene. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what are you gonna do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. I can't think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to <b> </b><b> </b> rub out a couple of cats? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you think, Jerry? You wanna make twenty-eight bucks? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm no cat killer. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How about we go over there right now and we shave them? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'd really like to go, Elaine. But, George is coming back from the hospital. I gotta wait for him. But otherwise I would definitely go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He actually wen to the hospital? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh man, he's nuts. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, he's nuts. You wanta bump off a couple of cats. (Enter Kramer, holding a paper) I know, I know. It's down again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How much are you down altogether? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know.. fifteen hundred dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wow. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't have to say "Wow." I know it's "Wow." And there's that smile again. Well, what is that? <b> </b><b> </b> (Intercom buzzes) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's George. (Presses button to let George in.) <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine goes into the bathroom; kramer picks up some binoculars and looks ou the window) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, look at this one by the bus stop. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I really don't need to look. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What a body. Yeeaahh.. that's for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, and you're just what she's looking for too - a stranger leering through a pair of binoculars ten floors up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm gonna go down there and try and talk to her. (leaves) <b> </b><b> </b> (Enter George; he flops onto the couch) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? What? Did you go down there? (George nods) Did he tell you what's gonna happen? (George shakes his head "no".) How long were you there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fifteen seconds. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You told him you knew Simons? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I mentioned Simons. Next thing I know - I'm in the parking lot. Perhaps they had some sort of a falling out. I'll tell you one thing.. I don't know <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> what he's got. But for a sick guy, he's very strong. <b> </b> (Elaine exits bathroom) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's it. Look, I'm going to Vermont. I don't want to think about this. I'm selling. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Didn't work, huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Laughs) Not quite. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, what are you gonna do about the stock? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm keeping it. I'm going down with the ship. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends.) <b> </b> (Country Inn) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I know this guy. I'm getting all my sneakers at a discount now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> I know. You mentioned it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, right. (To himself) Oh God. Get me out of here. What a mistake. What made me think this would work? And I've still got another day! I've got <b> </b><b> </b> nothing left to say. Wait.. wait.. got one. (To Vanessa) That's a nice watch. Do you wind it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> No, it's got a little battery. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's good. (To himself) Well, the drive home should be a delight. I'm speeding the whole way. Let them throw me in jail. I don't care. (To Vanessa) <b> </b><b> </b> That' the manager? Do you wnat me to see if we can get another room? <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> No, it's okay. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, I guess you don't find the separate faucets for the hot and cold - charming? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Not especially. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what do you wnat to do this afternoon? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> What can we do? It's raining. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We cold play "Sorry!" We cold play "Steal the Old Man's Bundle." (To himself) Maybe I can get an extension cord and hang myself. (To Vanessa) What <b> </b><b> </b> kind of perfume is that you're wearing? <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Oh, you've never heard of it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, what? What kind is it? <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> I can't tell you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself) Yeah, that's normal. (Out loud, to a man nearby) Excuse me, Sir. Could I have a look at that business section? <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> That stock? I thought you got out of that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I did. I'm just curious. It's been almost a week. I want to check it out. (finds stock) Six points. It's up six points! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> I told you not to sell. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You did not tell me not to sell. <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> I said, the market fluctuates. Remember? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars! <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> That's probably why.. (stops herself) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Forget it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, what? 'That's probably why..' <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> That's probably why we're staying here, because you lost money on the stock. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself) So, what am I looking at here? Twenty=nine hours to go. Well, at least I got plenty of time to find out the name of that purfume.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends.) <b> </b> (Coffee shop) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Have something else. C'mon, have a little dessert? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm good, thanks. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine, get something! It's all taken care of. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm kinda full. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So don't finish it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (acidly) She's full. (George puts up his hands in an "excuse me" gesture.) So, Big daddy. I'm just curious. How much did you clear on your little trasaction <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> there? All told? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't like to discuss figures. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How much? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, what? Eight thousand. It's a Hyundai. Get out of here.. I told you not to sell. Simons made money, Wilkinson cleaned up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, Wilkinson's out of the hospital now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. You'd be surprised. You don't recover that quickly from a nose job. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine sneezes) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is taht still from the cats? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I just have a cold. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, what ever happened with that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I gave him an ultimatum. (Shrugs) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He chose the cats? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They're very clean animals. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I gotta say, that's pretty sad. Losing out to a cat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Almost as bad as losing out to a perfume. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I told you those trips were relationship killers. Too bad you can't get your buddy Superman to fly around the Earth at super speed and reverse time. <b> </b><b> </b> You'd get all the money back - you could have avoided the whole trip to Vermont. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Superman can go back in time? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We went over that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wilkinson's got a bite on a new one.. Petramco Corp. Out of, hu, Springfield. I think. They're about to introduce some sort of robot butcher. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A robot butcher? <b> </b><b> GOERGE </b> Shhhhh. If you want to get in - there's very little time. (Calling to waitress) Sweetheart.. (Waitress tears of check, George stops her) No, no, no. That' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ought to coever it. (He hands her some money, she turns to leave, George stops her) Just a second.. Just a.. let me.. (looks at the check, then take some money out <b> </b><b> </b> of her hand.) (Urging Jerry and Elaine to eat) Come on, come on, come on.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends.) <b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not an investor. People always tell me, you should have your money working for you. I've decided I'll do the work. I'm gonna let the money relax. You <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> know what I mean? 'Cause you send your money out there - working for you - a lot of times, it gets fired. You go back there, "What happened? I had my money. It <b> </b><b> </b> was here, it was working for me." "Yeah, I remember your money. Showing up late. Taking time off. We had to let him go." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Stock Tip Script

1991-01-23

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE EX-GIRLFRIEND </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Nightclub) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm always in traffic with the lane expert. You know this type of person? Constantly reevaluating their lane choice.. Never quite sure, "Is this the best lane for <b> </b><b> </b> me? For my life?" They're always a little bit ahead of you, "Can I get in over there? Could I get in over here? Could I get in there?" "Yeah, come on over here, pal. <b> </b><b> </b> We're zoomin' over here. This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it.." The ultimate, I think the ultimate psychological test of traffic is the total dead stop. Not <b> </b><b> </b> even rolling. And you look out the window, you can see gum clearly. So we know that in the future traffic will get even worse than that. I mean, what will happen? <b> </b><b> </b> Will it start moving backwords, I wonder? I mean, is that possible? That someday we'll be going "Boy, this is some really bad traffic now, boy. This, is really bad. <b> </b><b> </b> I'm gonna try to get off and get back on going the other way." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's car) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She can't kill me right?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, of course not. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> People break up all the time. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Everyday. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It just didn't work out. What can I do? I wanted to love her. I tried to love her. I couldn't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You tried. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I kept looking at her face. I'd go: "C'mon, love her. Love her!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you tell her you loved her? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I had no choice. She squeezed it out of me! She'd tell me she loved me. Alright, at first, I just look at her. I'd go "Oh, really?" or "Boy, that's, that's <b> </b><b> </b> something." But, eventually you have to come back with "Well, I love you." You know, you can only hold out for so long!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're a human being. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And I didn't even ask her out. She asked me out first. She called me up. What was I supposed to do? Say no? I can't do that to someone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're too nice a guy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am. I'm a nice guy.. (realizing) And she seduced me! We were in my apartment, I'm sitting on the couch, she's on the chair - I get up to go to the <b> </b><b> </b> bathroom, I come back, she's on the couch. What am I supposed to do? Not do anything? I couldn't do that. I would've insulted her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're flesh and blood. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I had nothing to do wtih any of this! I met all her friends, I didn't want to meet them. I kept trying to avoid it. I knew it would only get me in deeper. But <b> </b><b> </b> they were everywhere! They kept popping up, all over the place. "This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy.. This is my cousin.. this is my brother.. thisis my father." <b> </b><b> </b> It's like I'm in quicksand. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told you when I met her.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My back is killing me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You gotta go to my chiropractor, he's the best. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah, everybody's guy is the best. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm gonna make an appointment for you. We'll go together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Please. They don't do anything.. Look, do I have to break up with her in person? CAn't I do it over the phone? I have no stomach for these things. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You should just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion! Right off! <b> </b><b> </b> (Car door opens, it's Elaine) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b> (George pulls his seat forward to allow Elaine into the back seats) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, what are you doing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm letting you in. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh no. No. I don't want to sit in the back. I'll be left out of the conversation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, you won't. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, I will, George. I'll have to sick my chin on top of the seat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay.. <b> </b> (George gets out, and gestures for Elaine to sit in the seat) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why can't you sit in the middle? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Please, it doesn't look good. Boy, boy, girl. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think you're afraid to sit next to a man. You're a little homophobic, aren't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is it that obvious? <b> </b> (Elaine sits in the middle) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you get a haircut? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, shower. So, where are we eating? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tell me if you think this is strange: There's this guy who lives in my building, who I was introduced to a couple of years ago by a friend. He's a teacher, or <b> </b><b> </b> something. Anyway, after we met, whenever we'd run into each other on the street, or in the lobby, or whatever, we would stop and we would chat a little.. Nothing <b> </b><b> </b> much. Little pleasantries. He was a nice guy, he's got a family.. then after a while, I noticed there was not more stopping. Just saying hello and continuing on our way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> polite nodding. Then one day, he doesn't nod. Like I don't exist?! He went from nods to nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (imitating Tony Bennett) "You know, I'd go from nods to nothing.." <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And now, there's this intense animosity whenever we passs. I mean, it's like we really hate each other. It's based on nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it so it turned against you. Same thing happened to The Blob. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think you absolutely have to say something to this guy. Confront him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You would do that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If I was a different person. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment; Jerry's on the phone) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello.. hello. Is Glenn there? I'm sorry. Is this 805-555-3234?.. Yes, I know I have the wrong number. But I just want to know if I dialed wrong or if.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Other guy hangs up on Jerry; he redials; enter Kramer) <b> </b> (The buzzer buzzes; Kramer answers it) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Into phone) Oh, it's you again. See? Now if you had answered me, I wouldn't have had to do this. Now that's too long distance calls I made to you why <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> can't you.. (guy hangs up on Jerry again). (To Kramer) Why? Why do they just hang up like that?! Thank you very much. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer holds up cantaloupe) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Taste this. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I just had a sandwich. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, taste it. Taste it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't want cantaloupe now. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You've never had cantaloupe like this before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I only eat cantaloupe at certain times. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry. This is great cantaloupe. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright.. (tastes it) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, huh. It's good? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's very good. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Good, huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got it at Joe's. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-Huh. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Forty-nine cents a pound. That's practically half than what you're paying at the supermarket. I don't know why you don't go to Joe's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's too far. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not pulling a shopping cart. What am I suppose to wear? A kerchief? Put stockings on and roll 'em down below my knee? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> See, the other thing is, if you don't like anything, he takes it right back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in. <b> </b><b> </b> (Enter George; he's extremely excited - he's dancing around the room, singing the Zorba theme) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm outta there. I did it! It's over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You did it? What happened? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I told her. In the kitchen - which was risky 'cause it's near all the knives. I started with the word "Listen." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah ha. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I said, "Listen Marlene," and then the next thing I know, I'm in the middle of it. And there's this voice inside of me going: "You're doing it! You're doing <b> </b><b> </b> it!" And then she started to cry, and I weakened a bit. I almost relented, but the voice, Jerry. The voice said "Keep going, keep going. You're almost out!" It's like I <b> </b><b> </b> was making a prison break, you know. And I'm heading for the wall, and I trip and I twist my ankle, and they throw the light on you, you know. So, somehow I get <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the front door. I opened it up, I'm one foot away, I took one last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See, it's never as bad as you imagine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I liked Marlene. What's her number? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I, I don't think so. <b> </b> (Kramer stants making noises while eating) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Could you stop that smacking? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George, I want you to taste this cantaloupe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh no, thank you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's the best cantaloupe I ever had. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, really. No, no, thanks. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, tell him how good this cantaloupe is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's very good cantaloupe. (changing subject) So that's it? You're out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Except for one small problem. I left some books in her apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, go get them. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no. No, I can't go back there. Jerry, it's so awkward and, you know, it could be dangerous - sexually. Something could happen, I'd be right back <b> </b><b> </b> where I started. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So forget about the books. Did you read them? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you need them for? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. They're books. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses - like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They're MY books. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you want me to get those books? Is that it? <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Coffee Shop) <b> </b> (Jerry and Marlene are sitting, a pile of books are on the table.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> ..So, it must've been ninety-five degrees that night, and everyone's just standing around the pool with little drinks in their hands. I was wearing my old <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> jeans and T-shirt. And I don't know, I was just in one of those moods - so I said to myself, "Marlene, just do it," and I jumped in. And as I'm getting out, I feel all <b> </b><b> </b> these eyes on me, and I look up and everyone is just staring at me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what'd you do? <b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> Well, nothing. It's not skin off my hide if people like to look. I just didn't see what the big attraction was. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I have a general idea what it was. I could take a guess. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> (Laughs) Hey, you know, Jerry, just because George and I don't see each other anymore, it doesn't mean we shouldn't stay friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> Good enough. I'm really glad we got that settled. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Chiropractor waiting room) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Irritated) I don't know how this happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, it's not my fault. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no. It's not your fault. Books, books, I need my books. Have you re-read those books yet, by the way? You know the great thing? When you read <b> </b><b> </b> Moby Dick the second time, Ahab and the whale become good friends. You know, it's not like Marlene's a bad person or anything, but, my God! I mean, we've <b> </b><b> </b> had like three lunches and a movie. And she never stops calling. (George nods - he knows exactly what Jerry's talking about) And it's these meaningless, <b> </b><b> </b> purposeless, blather calls. She never asks if I'm busy or anything. I just pick up the phone and she's in the middle of a sentence. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's standard. Has she left you one of those messages where she uses up the whole machine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ohh.. you know, and sometimes she'll go, "Hello, Jerry?" and I'll go "Oh, hi Marlene." And then it's "Jerry.." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about getting off the phone? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ohhhh.. you can't. It's impossible. There's no break in the conversation where you can go, "Alright, then.. " You know, it just goes on and on and on with <b> </b><b> </b> out a break in the wall. I mean, I gotta put a stop to this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion, right off! She is sexy though. Don't you think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Yes, she is. <b> </b> (Receptionist enters) <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Mr. Costanza? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> The doctor'll see you now. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Jerry, sarcastically) Yeah, doctor. I'm going to have to wait in that little room by myself, aren't I? (Picks up a crossword puzzle) I better take this. <b> I </b><b> </b><b> </b> hate the little room. "Oh, hello, Doctor." <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. 'Cause it says "Waiting room." There's no chance of not waiting, 'cause they call it the waiting <b> </b><b> </b> room, they're going to use it. They've got it. It's all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got your little magazine. You pretend you're <b> </b><b> </b> reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You know, you're thinking about about them things like "I wonder what he's got. As soon as she goes, I'm <b> </b><b> </b> getting her magazine." And then, they finally call you and it's a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other <b> </b><b> </b> people in the room. "Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see you all later." You know, so you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No. <b> </b><b> </b> You're going into the next waiting room. The littler waiting room. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest <b> </b><b> </b> room that they have, I think. You don't wnat to be in the largest room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these operating theaters, that they have, <b> </b><b> </b> with like, stadium seating? You don't want them doing antying to you that makes other doctors go, "I have to see this!" "Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do <b> </b><b> </b> that to him?" "Are there seats? Can we get in?" Do they scalp tickets to these things? "I got two for the Winslow tumor, I got two.." <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Waiting room) <b> </b> (George returns) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, how was it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything. (Imitating doctor) Touch this, feel that. Seventy-five bucks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's a first visit. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's seventy-five bucks? What, am I seeing Sinatra in there?! Amd I being entertained? I don't understand this. I'm only paying half. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't do that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no, no, no. I pay what I say. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's car) <b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> Are you feeling weird? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm fine. <b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> Nothing really happened. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I know. <b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> We just kissed a little. People kiss. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> Well.. night. <b> </b> (Leans over and kisses Jerry) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good night. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Kramer enters with a golf club) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got it! This time, I got it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hips! See, it's all hips. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You gotta come through with the hips first. (Demonstrates) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That is out there. <b> </b> (Kramer notices Jerry's eating cantaloupe, his eyes light up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Joe's? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, supermarket. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, is it good? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's okay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let me taste it. (Takes a bite, spits it out) See, that stinks. You can't eat that. You should take it back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not taking it back. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, I'll take it back. I'm going by there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't care about it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, you should care. Cantaloupe like this should be taken out of circulation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. Take it back. <b> </b> (Phone rings, Jerry is reluctant to answer it) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (On his answering machine) Leave a message, I'll call you back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> (Leaving a message) Jerry, have you ever taken a bath in the dark? If I'm not talking into the soap right now, call me back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Marlene <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Smiles) Oh. Oh, Marlene. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I took her home one night - we kinda started up a little bit in the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought you were trying to get rid of her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was. She's got me, like, hypnotized. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Does George know? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, he'd go nuts. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, no kidding. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I feel terrible. (Kramer smiles) I mean, I've seen her a couple of times since then, and I know I can't go any further, but.. I've just got this like, <b> </b><b> </b> psycho-sexual hold over me. I just want her, I can't breathe. It's like a drug. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Woah, psycho-sexual. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know how I'm going to tell him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Man, I don't understand people. I mean, why would George want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's partially you, yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're his friend. Better that she should sleep with someone else. Some jerk that he doesn't even know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, he can't kill me, right? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're a human being. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, she called me. I haven't called her. She started it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're flesh and blood. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm a nice guy. <b> </b> (Enter Elaine, she's holding a lamp) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. (Hands Jerry the lamp) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, my little airplane lamp. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city? That's hard to get used to when you're in so many other fast ones. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Unless you're married to a dictator.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah.. because they would be very demanding people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right. Exactly. So I imagine at some point, somebody's going to offer me some cantaloupe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Nope. No good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you know what they say: Luck in love, Unlucky with fruit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm taking this back. (Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, I had what you might call a little encounter this morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? That guy who stopped saying hello? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yep. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You talked to him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yep. I spotted him getting his mail. And at first, I was just going to walk on by, but then I thought "no, no, no, no. Do not be afraid of this man." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, I walked up behind him and I tapped him on the shoulder. And I said, "Hi, remember me?" And he furrows his brow as if he's really trying to figure it <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> out. So I said to him, I said, "You little phony. You know exactly who I am." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "You little phony"? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I did. I most certainly did. And he said, he goes, "Oh, yeah. You're Jeanette's friend. We did meet once." And I said, "Well, how do you go from that to <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> totally ignoring a person when they walk by?" <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Amazing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And he says, he says, "Look, I just didn't want to say hello anymore, alright?" And I said, "Fine. Fine I didn't want to say hello anymore either, but I <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> wanted you to know that I'm aware of it." <b> </b> (Elaine tastes some cantaloupe) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You are the Queen of Confrontation. You're my new hero. In fact, you've inspired me. I'm gonna call George about something right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This cantaloupe stinks. (Spits it out) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Coffee Shop) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't care. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're kidding. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I don't care. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mean that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Absolutely. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't care? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could you not care? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. But I don't. I'm actually almost happy to hear it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you'd be upset. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I guess I should be but I'm not. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Am I a bad person? Did I do something terrible? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, you're a fine person. You're a humanitarian. She's very sexy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That voice. That voice. She's driving me crazy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know, I know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I can see her tonight, and you don't care? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> See her tonight. See her tomarrow. Go. Knock yourself out. She's too crazy for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. As long as you're okay. Because I can't stop thinking about her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm wonderful. I never felt better in my whole life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good. And I'll tell you what.. You don't have to pay me back the thirty-five I gave to the chiropractor for the rest of your bill. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Angry) You paid that crook?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I had to. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He didn't do anything, Jerry. It's a scam! Who told you to do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was embarrassing to me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was trying to make a point. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you make a point with your own doctor? (George gulps) What's wrong? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Gasping) I think I swallowed a fly! ..I swallowed a fly! What do I do? What can happen? <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's car) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..So, you want to come up for a few minutes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> ..I'm sorry, Jerry. I just don't think this is going to work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? I thought.. <b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> I know, I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess I just didn't expect it from the way you've been acting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> You sure you want to talk about this? 'Cause I sure don't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course I want to talk about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> Well, okay. I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> ..I saw your act. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My act? What does that have to do with anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> Well, to be honest, it just didn't make it for me. It's just so much fluff. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe this. So what are you saying? You didn't like my act, so that's it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're a cashier! <b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> Look, Jerry, it's just not my kind of humor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't go by the audience that night. It was late. They were terrible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLENE </b> I heard the material. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have other stuff. You should come see me on the weekend. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Women need to like the job of the guy they're with. If they don't like the job, they don't like the guy. Men know this. Which is why we make up the phony bogus names for the jobs that we have. "Well, right now, I'm the regional management supervisor." "I'm in development, research, consulting." Men on the other hand, if they are physically attracted to a woman are not that concerned with her job. Are we? Men don't really care. Men'll just go, "Really? Slaughterhouse? Is that where you work? That sounds interesting. So whatdya got a big cleaver there? You're just lopping their heads off? That sounds great! Listen, why don't you shower up, and we'll get some burgers and catch a movie." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Ex-Girlfriend Script

1991-01-30

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE PONY REMARK </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My parents live in Florida now. They moved there last year. They didn't want to move to Floriday, but they're in their sixties, and that's the law. You know <b> </b><b> </b> how it works. They got the leisure police. They pull up in front of the old people's house with a golf cart, jump out, "Let's go Pop, white belt, white pants, white <b> </b><b> </b> shoes, get in the back. Drop the snow shovel right there, drop it!" I am not much for the family gathering. You know, you sit there, and the conversation's so boring. <b> </b><b> </b> It's so dull. And you start to fantasize. You know, you think, what if I just got up and jumped out that window? What would it be like? Just crashed right through the <b> </b><b> </b> glass.. You know. Come back in, there's broken glass, everybody's all upset. "No, I'm alright. I was just a little bored, there. No, I'm fine. I came back. I wanted to <b> </b><b> </b> hear a little about that Hummel collection, Aunt Rose. Let's pick it up right there." <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry's parents are in town. His father's watching T.V., his mother is ironing his father's jackets) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (To Morty) You have so many nice jackets. I don't know why you had to bring this jacket. Who wears a jacket like this? (He doesn't respond) What's <b> </b><b> </b> wrong with that nice gray one? You have beautiful clothes. They sit in your closet. Morty, you can't wear - this! <b> </b><b> </b> (Phone rings) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Are you getting that? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I thought you were getting it. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Should I pick up? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You want me to get that? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'll get it! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I'll get it! <b> </b> (They both go for the phone, Helen gets to it first) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Hello?.. Hello? <b> </b> (She hangs up. Jerry enters - he's wearing baseball clothes and carrying a bat and glove) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Talking about the loud T.V.) Would you make this thing lower! I can hear it on the street! (Turns it off) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So, how'd you do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We won. I made an incredible play in the field! There was a tag-up at third base and I threw the guy out from left field on a fly! We'll be in the championship <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> game Wednesday because of me. It was the single greatest moment of my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> This is your greatest moment? A game? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, no. Sharon Besser, of course. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You know what my greatest moment was, don't you? 1946. I went to work for Harry Flemming and I came up with the idea for the beltless trench coat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry, look at this sport jacket. Is this a jacket to wear to an anniversary party? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, the man's an individualist. He worked for Harry Flemming. He knows what he's doing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> But it's their 50th anniversary. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You know, I spoke to Manya and Isaac on the phone today. They invited you again. I think you should go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> First of all, I made plans with Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> So bring her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, I've met them three times in my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I don't know her either. (Gesturing to Helen) She makes me fly all the way from Floriday for this, and then she criticizes my jacket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> At least come and say hello, have a cup of coffee, then you'll leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> How come he gets to leave? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If I wind up sitting nest to Uncle Leo, I am leaving. He's always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. I guess it's because so many people have left in the <b> </b><b> </b> middle of his conversation. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> And it's always about Jeffrey, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, he talks about him like he split the atom. The kid works for the Parks Department. <b> </b><b> </b> (Enter Kramer) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Morty, are you coming in? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Oh, yeah. I forgot all about it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To Jerry) Hey, how'd you do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We won. We're in the finals on Wednesday.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Kramer and Morty) What is this about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm completely changing the configuration of the apartment. You're not gonna believe it when you see it. A whole new lifestyle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Levels. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Levels? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I'm getting rid of all my furniture. All of it. And I'm going to build these different levels, with steps, and it'll all be carpeted with a lot of pillows. You <b> </b><b> </b> know, like ancient Egypt. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You drew up plans for this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no. It's all in my head. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I don't know how you're going to be comfortable like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I'll be comfortable. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When do you intend to do this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ohh.. should be done by the end of the month. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're doing this yourself? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's a simple job. Why, you don't think I can? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no. It's not that I don't think you can. I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I got the tools. I got the pillows. All I need is the lumber. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey, that's some big job. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't see it happening. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, this time, this time you're wrong. C'mon. I'll even bet you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seriously? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I dont' want you betting. Morty, don't let him bet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A big dinner with dessert. But I've got till the end of the month. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll give you a year. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no. End of the month. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a bet. (They both "pinkie swear" to lock the deal) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Manya's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry sits between Uncle Leo and Elaine. Leo grabs his choulder) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seriously, do you wnat to switch chairs? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no. I'm fine. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Jerry, are you listening to this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, Uncle Leo. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> So, so, now the parks commissioner is recommending Jeffrey for a citation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. For reducing the pond scum? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> No, for the walking tours. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah. Where the people eat the plant life - the edible foliage tour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> That's exactly right. He knows the whole history of the park. For two hours he's talking and answering questions. But you want to know something? Whenever <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> he has a problem with one of these high-powered big shots in the Parks Department, you know who he calls? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mickey Mantle? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Helping him worm out of the conversation with Leo) Jerry, Jerry. Did you taste these peas? These peas are great! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Eating a forkful) These peas are bursting with country-fresh flavor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mmm.. phenomenal peas.. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Are you ready for dessert? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, actually, we do have to kind of get going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANYA </b> (Surprised) You're going? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't really eat dessert. I'm dieting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I can't eat dessert either. The sugar makes my ankles swell up, and I can't dance. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANYA </b> Can't dance? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He's kidding, Manya. <b> </b><b> MANYA </b> Is that a joke? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (Canging subject) So, did you hear Claire's getting married? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANYA </b> Yeah, yeah.. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I hear the fella owns a couple of racehorses. You know, trotters, like at Yonkers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Horses. They're like big riding dogs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about ponies? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANYA </b> ..I had a pony. <b> </b> (The room is dead quiet) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..Well, I didn't really mean a pony, per se. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANYA </b> (Angry) When I was a little girl in Poland, we all had ponies. My sister had pony, my cousin had pony, ..So, what's wrong with that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing. Nothing at all. I was just merely expressting.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Should we have coffee? Who's having coffee? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANYA </b> He was a beautiful pony! And I loved him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm sure you did. Who wouldn't love a pony? Who wouldn't love a person that had a pony? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANYA </b> You! You said so! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, see, we didn't have ponies. I'm sure at the time in Poland, they were very common. They were probably like compact cars.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANYA </b> That's it! I've had enough! (She leaves the room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ISAAC </b> Have your coffee, everyone. She's a little upset. It's been an emotional day. <b> </b><b> </b> (Isaac leaves, everyone looks at Jerry) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on <b> </b><b> </b> that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come <b> </b><b> </b> hre if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense.. am I wrong? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Morty and Helen are leaving, their bags are packed) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll drive you to the airport. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> No, we're taking a cab. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I just hope that whole pony incident didn't put a damper on the trip. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Don't be rediculous. It was a misunderstanding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey, I agree with him. Nobody likes a kid with a pony. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, if you ever talk to her, tell her I'm sorry. Elaine too. She feels terrible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You know, you should give Manya a call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe I will. <b> </b> (Jerry opens his door, Kramer's standing in the hallway) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hi. I just came to say goodbye. (Gestures to the bags) ..Need any help with those? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> It's nothing. I got it. So, how are your levels coming along? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, well.. I decided I'm not gonna do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastically) Really? What a shock. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Goodbye, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Take care. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We'll call you. (Leaves) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Bye, Jer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bye, Dad. Take it easy. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Bye, Mr. Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. So long, Morty. (Morty leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, when do I get my dinner? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There's no dinner. The bet's off. I'm not gonna do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. I know you're not gonna do it. That's why I bet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There's not bet if I' not doing it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's the bet! That you're not doing it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, I could do it. I don't want to do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We didn't bet on if you wanted to. We bet on if it would be done. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And it could be done. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, of course it could be done! Anything could be done! But it only is done if it's done. Show me the levels! The bet is the levels. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But I don't want the levels! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's the bet! (Phone rings, Jerry answers it) Hello? ..No, oh, hi.. no, they just left.. Oh my God.. hand on a second. Maybe I can still catch them. (Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> goes over to the window, and opens it. He yells out of it) Ma!.. Ma!.. Up here! Don't get in the cab! .. Manya died! ..Manya died!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Who did you talk to? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uncle Leo. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> And when's the funeral? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. He said he'd call back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You know what this means, don't you? We lost the supersaver. Those tickets are non-refundable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> She just had a check-up. The doctor said she was fine. Unless.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What? Nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't think.. What? The pony remark? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh, don't be ridiculous. She was an old woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't think that I killed her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You know what the flight back'll cost us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was just an innocent comment! I didn't know she had a pony! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Maybe we can get an army transport flight. They got a base in Sarasota, I think. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The whole thing ws taking out of context. It was a joke. (Phone rings) That's probably Uncle Leo. <b> </b><b> </b> (Helen picks it up) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Hello? ..Yes, I know.. Well, it's just one of those things.. Sure, sure, we'll see you then. (Hangs up) The funeral's Wednesday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wednesday? What, what Wednesday? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Two o' clock, Wednesday. (Jerry shrugs) What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've got the softball game on Wednesday. It's the championship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> So? You're not obligated. Go play in your game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't even know the woman. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> So don't go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean I met her three times. I don't know her last name. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jery, no one's forcing you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, who has a funeral on a Wednesday? That's what I want to know. I mean, it's the championship. I'm hitting everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I don't have a dress to wear. (To Morty) And you. You don't have anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I got a sport jacket. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You're not wearing that to a funeral. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What's wrong with it? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> It looks ridiculous. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What? I'm gonna buy a new jacket now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know what to do. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> ..You know what this funeral's gonna wind up costing me? Oh boy! <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We don't understand death. And the proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow. And, uh, I mean, hey, you know. I think if you can't stretch out and <b> </b><b> </b> get some solid rest at that point, I don't see how bedding accessories really make the difference. I mean, they got the guy in a suit with a pillow. No is he going to a <b> </b><b> </b> meeting, or is he catching forty winks? I mean, let's make up our mind where we think they're going. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Coffee Shop) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I actually like ponies. I was just trying to make conversation. What time's your game? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Two Forty-Five. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And what time's the funeral? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Two o' clock. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How long does a funeral take? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Depends on how nice the person was. But you gotta figure, even Oswald took forty-five minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So you cna't do both? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, if the situation were reversed and Manya had some mah-jongg championship or something, I wouldn't expect her to go to my funeral. I would <b> </b><b> </b> understand. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How can you even consider not going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, I've been thinking.. I cannot envision any circumstances in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> just don't see how it could occur. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, funerals always make me think about my own mortality and how I'm actually going to die someday. Me, dead. Imagine that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They always make me take stock of my life and how I've pretty much wasted all of it, and how I plan to continue wasting it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, and then you say to yourself, "From this moment on, I'm not going to waste any more of it." But then you go, "How? What can I do that's not <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> wasting it?" <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Can't you hae coffee with people? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, I can't believe you're even considering not playing. We need you. You're hitting everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He has to go. He may have killed her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Me? What about you? You brought up the pony. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah, but I didn't say I hated anyone who had one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Jerry) Who's going to play left field? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bender. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bender? He can't play left. He stinks. I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead peole care who's at the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up." <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, I met this woman! She is not traveling to any other dimensions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know how easy it is for dead people to travel? It's not like getting on a bus. One second. It's all mental. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fifty years they were married. Now he's moving to Pheonix. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Phoenix? What's happening with his appartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. They've been in there since, like, World War II. The rent's three hundred a month. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Three hundred a month? Oh my God. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Funeral home) <b> </b> (The eulogy is in progress. Jerry attended afterall) <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Although this may seem like a sad even, it should not be a day of mourning.. for Manya had a rich, fulfilling life. She grew up in a different world - a simpler <b> </b><b> </b> world - with loving parents, a beautiful home in the country, and from what I understand, she eve had a pony.. (Jerry throws his hands up) Oh, how she loved that <b> </b><b> </b> pony. Even in her declining years, whenever she would speak of it, her eyes would light up. It's lustrous coat, it's flowing mane. It was the pride of Krakow. (Jery <b> </b><b> </b> sinks in his seat) <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Anteroom of funeral parlor) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Looking at his watch) Well, the game's starting just about now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> It was good that the two of you came. It was a nice gesture. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to Morty talking to an intern) <b> </b><b> INTERN </b> I'm not a doctor yet, Uncle Morty. I'm just an intern. I can't write a note to an airline. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You've got your degree. They don't care. They just want to see something. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts back to Jerry) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Isaac) I just wanted to say how sorry I was.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> (Interrupting) Jerry, you wanna hear something? Your cousin, Jeffrey, is switching parks. They're transferring him to Riverside - so he'll completely revamp that <b> </b><b> </b> operation, you understand? He'll do in Riverside what he did in Central Park. It's more money. So, that's your cousin. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts back to Morty) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You don't understand, I've never paid a full fare. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Isaac) Once again, I just want to say how sorry I am abou tthe other night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, me too. <b> </b><b> ISAAC </b> Oh no, no, no. She forgot all about that. She was much mor upset about the potato salad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, I understand you're moving to Phoenix? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry shake his head and walks away) <b> </b><b> ISAAC </b> Yeah, my brother lives there. I think Manya would've liked Phoenix. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mmm.. gorgeous, exquisite town. Who, what's happening with your apartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ISAAC </b> Of course it's very hot there. I'l lhave to get an air conditioner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, you can have mine. I'll ship it out ot you.. but what about that big apartment on West End Avenue? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ISAAC </b> Although they say it's a dry heat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Dry, wet.. what's happening with your apartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ISAAC </b> I don't even know if I should take my winter clothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I have an idea. Leave the winter clothing in the apartment, and I'll watch it for you and I'll live there and I'll make sure that nothing happens to it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry comes back) <b> </b><b> ISAAC </b> Oh, the apartment. Jeffrey's taking the apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to Jerry) Oh, Jeffrey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Elaine) You know Jeffery? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, from what I understand, he works for the Parks Department. <b> </b><b> </b> (Helen approaches Jerry) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> It's raining. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Moves to the window) It's raining? It's raining. The game will be postponed. We'll play tomarrow. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts back to Morty) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Believe me, I wouldn't bother you if the army hadn't closed that base in Sarasota. Here, scribble a little something here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> INTERN </b> I can't. I'll get in trouble. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Oh, for God's sakes! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Coffee Shop) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who gets picked off in softball? It's unheard of. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's never happend to me before. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I remember saying to myself, "Why is Jerry so far off the base?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll have to live with this shame for the rest of my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And they in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought there were two outs. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I couldn't believe it when I saw you running. I thought maybe they had changed the rules or something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was the single worst moment of my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about Sharon Besser? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, well, of course. 1973. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Makes you wonder, though, doesn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wonder about what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know.. the spirit world. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I never saw anyone play like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I went ot the funeral. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, but that doesn't make up for killing her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe Manya missed the funeral because she was off visiting another galaxy that day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't you think she would've heard I was there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not necessarily. (Elaine laughs) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who figures and immigrant's gonna have a pony? <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Night Club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is the pony? What is the point of the pony? Why do we have these animals, these ponies? What do we do with them? Besides the pony ride. Why <b> </b><b> </b> ponies? What are we doing with them? I mean, police don't use them for, you know, crowd control. "Hey, uh, you wanna get back behind the barricades. Hey! <b> </b><b> </b> Hey, little boy. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Behind the barricades!" So somebody, I assume, genetically engineered these ponies. Do you think they could make them <b> </b><b> </b> any size? I mean, could they make them like the size of a quarter, if they wanted? That would be fun for Monopoly, though, wouldn't it? Just have a little pony and <b> </b><b> </b> you put him on the, "Baltic, that's two down, go ahead. Hold it. Right ther, Baltic. yeah, that's it. Fine. Right there, hold it right there." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Pony Remark Script

1991-02-06

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE JACKET </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I hate clothes, okay? I hate buying them. I hate picking them out of my closet. I can't stand every day trying to come up with little outfits for myself. I think <b> </b><b> </b> eventually fashion won't even exist. It won't. I think eventually we'll all be wearing the same thing. 'Cause anytime I see a movie or a TV show where there's people <b> </b><b> </b> from the future of another planet, they're all wearing the same thing. Somehow they decided "This is going to be our outfit. One-piece silver jumpsuit, V-stripe, and <b> </b><b> </b> boots. That's it." We should come up for an outfit for earth. An earth outfit. We should vote on it. Candidates propose different outfits, no speeches. They walk out, <b> </b><b> </b> twirl, walk off. We just sit in the audience and go, "That was nice. I could wear that." <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Clothing store) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think I've seen enough. <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> Well, I might have something in the back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The back? They never find anything in the back. If they had anything good in the back, they'd put it out in the front. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't they open up an entire store for the back? Call it, "Just Back." All back. No front. You walk in the front, you're immediately in the back. (Picks <b> </b><b> </b> up a tie display) Look, Elaine, tie car wash. <b> </b><b> CUSTOMER </b> (Sees the book Elaine is holding) Oh, I just read that. That's terrific. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pointing to Elaine) Her father wrote that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CUSTOMER </b> Alton Benes is your father? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> CUSTOMER </b> I always felt he deserved a wider audience. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm not so sure he wants one. (Customer leaves) Hey, don't forget Sunday, okay? You and George are coming, right? Hotel Westbury, eight o' clock. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..I guess I'm coming.. I mean.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What, you don't want to go now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'll go. I'm going. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, Jerry, you have to. I need a buffer. You know, I haven't seen my father in a while and.. you know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm worried I won't be able to talk to him. He's such a great writer. Frankly, I perfer the company of nitwits. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, that's why we're not togeter anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Looks at a jacket) What is this? (Holds it up) This is beautiful.. but these jackets never fit me right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Try it on. (Feels it) Wow, this is soft suede. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This may be the most perfect jacket I have ever put on. (Elaine grabs the tag) How much is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Shocked) Oh my God. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bad? (Elaine nods) ..Very bad? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You have no idea. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have some idea. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No idea. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've got a ballpark. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There is no park and the team has relocated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Looks at the tag) ..That is high. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh man, that is a beautiful jacket, though. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Looking at the insides of the jacket) What's with the pink lining and the candy stripes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, it's just a lining. You can always have it changed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Should I get it? I hate these moments. I'm hearing the dual voices now, you know. "What about the money?" "What's money?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> It looks wonderful on you. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry's sitting on his couch wearing his pajamas and his new jacket. He gets up to look at his jacket in the mirror. Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. New jacket? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you think? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's beautiful. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is it me? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's definitely you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's more you than you've ever been. (Starts looking the jacket over) What is with the pink lining? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. It's got a pink lining. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh.. So, what did you pay for this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I paid what it costs. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How much? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the difference? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, you're not gonna tell me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'd rather not say it out loud. It's embarrassing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Over three hundred? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, but let's just stop it right there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's over four hundred? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really, I'm not answering anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Is it over four hundred? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Would you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Finds the tag) Woah, Nelson! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, I know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Talking about his old jacket) What are you gonna do with the leather one? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, are you gonna wear it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Looking over the leather jacket) You're not going to wear this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you want it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, yeah. Okay. I'll take it.. I like the jacket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Takes one last look at the leather jacket) ..Okay, take it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Good karma for you. (Kramer puts on his new jacket, and stands next to Jerry, looking in the mirror.) Oh baby. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (George enters singing "Master Of the House" - a Les Miserables show tune) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "Master of the house.. doling out the charm, ready with a handshake and an open palm. Tells a saucy talke, loves to make a stir everyone appreciates a.." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that song? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, it's from Les Miserables. I went to see it last wee. I can't get it out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. It just comes out. I have no <b> </b><b> </b> control over it. I'm singing it on elevators, buses. I sing it infront of clients. It's taking over my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, Schumann went mad from that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Artie Schumann? From Camp Hatchapee? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, you idiot. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you, Bud Abbott? What, are you calling my an idiot? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't know Rober Schumann? The composer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, Schumann. Of course. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Trying to scare George) He went crazy from one note. He couldn't get it out of his head. I think it was an A. He kept repeating it over and over again. He <b> </b><b> </b> had to be institutionalized. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? ..Well, what if it doesn't stop? (Jerry gestures "That's the breaks." George gasps) Oh, that I really needed to hear. That helps a lot! Alright, just <b> </b><b> </b> say something. Just start talking. Change the subject.. Let's just go, alright? I can't believe we're having dinner with Alton Benes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know exactly what's goin to happen tonight. I'm gonna try and act like I'm not impressed, he's gonna see right through it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, he'll be looking at us like he's backstage at a puppet show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me just get my jacket. (Moves to the bedroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "Master of the house, keeper of the inn.." (Jerry proudly models his new jacket infront of George. George looks in admiration at the jacket) This is huge! <b> </b><b> </b> When did this happen? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wednesday. This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it's with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might've been <b> </b><b> </b> a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet an social challenge. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Nods) Can I say one thing to you? And I say this wiht an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Absolutely. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ..It's fabulous. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And I'll tell you something else, I'm not even going to ask you. I want to know. But I'm not going to ask. You'll tell me when you feel comfortable.. So <b> </b><b> </b> what was it? Four hundred? Five hundred? Did you pay five hundred for this? (Jerry's acting coy throughout the whole thing) Over six? Can't be seven. Don't tell my <b> </b><b> </b> you paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! Did you pay seven hundred dollars for this jacket? Is that what you're saying to me?! You are sick! Is that what you <b> </b><b> </b> paid for this jacket?! Over seven hundred? What did you pay for this jacket? I won't say anything. I wanna know what you paid for this jacket! Oh my God! A <b> </b><b> </b> thousand dollars?! You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket?! Alright, fine. I'm walking out of here right now thinking you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket, <b> </b><b> </b> unless you tell me different. (Jerry still coy, stays silent) Oh, ho! Alright! I'll tell you what, if you don't say anything in the next five seconds, I'll know it was over a <b> </b><b> </b> thousand.. <b> </b> (Enter Kramer) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. Hey, would you do me a solid? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what kind of solid? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I need you to sit in the car for two minutes while it's double-parked. I gotta pick up some birds. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Birds? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. A friend of mine, he's a magician. He's going away on vacation. He asked me to take care of his doves. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So take a cab. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They won't take a cage full of birds. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't. I'm on my way out. There's no way I can do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George, do me a solid? Two minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm going with him. I'd like to, I've never done a solid before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright.. yeah.. alright, have a good one. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer leaves) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Scoffs) Two minutes. Believe me, I know his two minutes.. By his conception of time, his life will last over two thousand years. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Hotel lobby) <b> </b> (Jerry and George enter. George's singing "Master of the House") <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "Master of the House. Quick to catch your eye, never wants a passerby to pass him by." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Points to his head) Schumann. (George gets visibly scared) Where are they? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe he didn't show up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, you don't want to do this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't think there's ever been an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Sees an elderly man sitting on a leather chair) Wait a second, is that him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I think it is. (They walk tward him) Where's Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm nervous. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me.. Mister Benes? <b> </b><b> ALTON </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm Jerry. Elaine's friend.. and this is George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Holds out his hand for a handshake) It's a great thrill to meet you, Sir. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Alton starts hacking, George withdraws his hand) <b> </b><b> ALTON </b> Sit down. Want a drink? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> ALTON </b> (Summons waiter) What do you have? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To waiter) I'll have a cranberry juice with two limes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And, I'll have a club soda with no ice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BENES </b> (Gives both Jerry and George a look) I'll have another Scotch with plenty of ice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You like ice? <b> </b><b> ALTON </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I said, do you like ice? <b> </b><b> ALTON </b> Like it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't you think you get more without it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALTON </b> (Pauses) Where's Elaine? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, we thought she was meeting you earlier. She's usually pretty punctual. (Alton remains quiet) ..Don't you find that, George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah. She's punctual.. and she's been late sometimes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah. Sometimes she's on time, and sometimes she's late. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I guess today she's late. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It appears that way. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yep. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yep. <b> </b> (Both Jerry and George look at the door, anticipating Elaine's arrival) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALTON </b> Looks like rain. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Perks up) I know, I know, that's what they said. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALTON </b> Who said? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The weather guy, Dr. Waldo. <b> </b><b> ALTON </b> I don't need anybody to tell me it's gonna rain. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, of course not. I didn't.. <b> </b><b> ALTON </b> All I have to do is stick my head out the window. (Waiter shows up with the drinks) Which one's suppose to be the funny guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Pointing at Jerry) Oh, he's the comedian. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm just a regular person. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no. He's just being modest. <b> </b><b> ALTON </b> We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. (Long pause) There's nothing funny about that. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and George turn to the door again) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Would you excuse me a minute? I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry leaves. George is left alone with Alton) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed Fair Game. I thought it was just brilliant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALTON </b> Drivel. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe some parts. <b> </b><b> ALTON </b> What parts? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The drivel parts.. Oh my gosh, I just realized - I have to make a phone call. I can believe.. would you.. (Gets up, and leaves) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to the hotel bathroom) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thank you for leaving me alone with him! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That was brutal. I can't go back out there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, let's just leave. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine'll kill me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where is she? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's gotta be here soon. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How could she leave us alone with this lunatic? Ten more minutes, and that's it! I'm leaving. I have to tell you, this guy scares me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The waiter was trembling. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If she doesn't show up, we can't possibly have dinner with him alone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How are we gonna get out of it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We'll say we're frightened and we have to go home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's good. He'd clunk our heads together like Moe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. Just start scratching. Tell him you have the crabs. He was in the military. He'll understand that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All fathers are intimidating. They're intimidating because they are fathers. Once a man has children, for the rest of his life, his attitude is, "To hell with the <b> </b><b> </b> world, I can make my own people. I'll eat whatever I want. I'll wear whatever I want, and I'll create whoever I want." <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Hotel lobby) <b> </b> (Jerry and George come back from the bathroom) <b> </b><b> ALTON </b> Who'd you call? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Caught off guard) My uncle is having an operation. I just wanted to see how he was. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALTON </b> What kind of operation? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bone marrow. <b> </b> (Manager approaches) <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Mister Benes? <b> </b><b> ALTON </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> A message for you. (Hands him a message) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALTON </b> From Elaine. She got tied up. She'll be here in thirty minutes. (Jerry and George freeze) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Hotel lobby) <b> </b><b> ALTON </b> Yeah, they should've taken care of Castro when they had the chance. Like we did in Guatamala in 'fifty-three. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Adding) Well, Guatamala. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sure, Guatamala. <b> </b><b> ALTON </b> (Gets up) Alright, you boys get yourselves together. We'll head up to the restaurant. I'll leave a note for Elaine. I'm going to the bathroom. (Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on, let's go! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about Elaine? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> To hell with Elaine! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She'll be furious. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We're dying here! <b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's her! She's here! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Where is Dad? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Mocking Alton's voice) He's in the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where have you been?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, that .. Kramer! I'm just about to leave, he calls me up. He begs me to sit in his car for two minutes, so he can pick up these birds.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you didn't.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, he said he'd drive me here right after. So, I am sitting in his car twenty minutes! he doesn't come down. I am freezing. Then a cop comes by, tells me <b> </b><b> </b> to get out of the car. He's a city marshal. He's towing the car away. Kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets. He was going to tow it with me in the car! <b> </b><b> </b> So, they tow the car. Now, I am standing outside, and I am freezing, but I cannot leave because I have to tell him what happened to the car.. so, finally, he finally <b> </b><b> </b> comes down with his giant cage filled with doves. He said he was getting special instructions, that each dove has a different diet. So, we're wandering around trying <b> </b><b> </b> to get a cab, when two of these doves fly out! Now we're running down the street after these doves. I almost got hit by a bus. (Sits down, takes a deep breath) ..So <b> </b><b> </b> how's everything going over here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (After hearing Elaine's story, his is..) Great. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Couldn't be better. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Good. 'Cause Dad can make some people a little uncomfortable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no, no. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Get outta here.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Man, Kramer! I could kill him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe it. You know better than to get involved with Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He said he'd give me a lift. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, the lift. Like the lure of the siren's song. Never what it seems to be, yet who among us can resist? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where do you come up with this stuff? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALTON </b> (Returns) Well, look who's here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Hi, Dad. <b> </b><b> ALTON </b> (Kisses Elaine) Hello, dear. Who's the lipstick for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No one. <b> </b><b> ALTON </b> ..How's your mother? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Fine. <b> </b><b> ALTON </b> How about you? Are you working? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing. I told you ten times. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALTON </b> Pendant, those bastards.. Alright, boys. We'll go to that Pakistani restaurant on 46th Street. You're not afraid of a little spice, are you? <b> </b><b> </b> (They all head for the door. Jerry and George trail behind a little) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "Master of the house, doling out the charm. Ready with a handshake and an open.." <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALTON </b> Pipe down, chorus boy. <b> </b> (Alton glares, George gets embarrassed) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohh.. it's snowing. It's beautiful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To George) Snow.. snow, that can't be good for suede, can it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I wouldn't think so. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What should I do? (To Alton) We're taking a cab, aren't we? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALTON </b> Cab? It's only five blocks. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Jerry) Why don't you just turn it inside out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Inside out! Great. <b> </b> (Jery turns his jacket inside out, showing of the pink striped insides. Alton stops him before Jerry can leave the hotel) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALTON </b> Wait a minute. What the hell do you call this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I turned my jacket inside out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALTON </b> Well, you look like a damn fool! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Like a child) Well, it's a new suede jacket. It might get ruined. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALTON </b> Well, you're not going to walk down the street with my and my daughter dressed like that! That's for damn sure! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry looks at George) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's only a few blocks. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry's heading out, the intercom buzzes) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Into intercom) Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. <b> </b> (Enter Kramer) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I've gotta feed the birds. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So?.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got any of those mini Ritzes? <b> </b> (Jerry reaches up, and pulls out some mini Ritzes) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe I do. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! ..Well, are you going out? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, where's your new jacket? (Jerry points to the jacket hanging in the bathroom. It's ruined, and unwearable) What? (Kramer enters the bathroom, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> he's shocked at the sight of the jacket) Ohhh. What did you do to it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was out in the snow last night. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Don't youk now what that does to suede? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have an idea. (Elaine enters) We can make the nine-thirty at Cinema III. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay.. (To Kramer) Hello. (To Jerry) Listen, thanks again for coming last night. Dad said he had a great time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is he still in town? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, he's driving back to Maryland tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Talking about the ruined jacket) So, uh.. what are you gonna do with that one now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well?.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To Jerry) I didn't want to tell you this, but usually he hates everyone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You gonna throw this out? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I can't wear it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To Jerry) Yeah, he like you though. Said you reminded him of somebody he knew in Korea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, if you're just gonna throw it out, you know, I could take it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, go ahead, take it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Dad thinks George is gay. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, because of all that singing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer returns from the bathroom wearing the ruined suede jacket) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, see, I like it like this. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Pointing at the jacket Kramer's wearing) Isnt' that..? (Jerry nods) Oh, is this fromt he snow last night? (Jerry nods again) Ugh.. you know what you <b> </b><b> </b> should've done? You should've turned it inside out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll try and remember that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Talking about the leather jacket from the start of the show) Boy, it's too bad you gave me this one too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm gonna have to do something about this lining. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer exits, Scene ends) <b> </b> (Alton Benes' car) <b> </b> (Alton is driving home, then all the sudden, he starts to sing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALTON </b> "Master of the house doling out the charm, ready with a handshake and an open palm.." <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows ouside most of the time? I don't understand it. <b> </b><b> </b> When it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in, we're all wearing leather.. Open the door! We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here.." "Is it suede?" "I am <b> </b><b> </b> suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Jacket Script

1991-02-13

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE PHONE MESSAGE </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is <b> </b><b> </b> doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV <b> </b><b> </b> like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> commercial people - where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? <b> </b><b> </b> "We have soda, we have soda, we have soda", jumping, laughing, flying through <b> </b><b> </b> the air - it's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there and you're <b> </b><b> </b> watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're advertising <b> </b><b> </b> right there on TV, and it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> jetskiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing there - "Maybe I'm putting too much <b> </b><b> </b> ice in mine." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So then, as we were leaving, we were just kind of standing there, <b> </b><b> </b> and she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasn't sure if she wanted me to ask her <b> </b><b> </b> out, because when women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I <b> </b><b> </b> interpret it like they're Psychotic or something and I don't know if I'm <b> </b><b> </b> supposed to smile back, I don't know what to do. So I just stood there like - <b> </b><b> </b> remember how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy line? - that's what <b> </b><b> </b> I looked like. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you didn't ask? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I froze. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Points to counter) Counter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah. So wait, wait. A half-hour later I'm back in the office, <b> </b><b> </b> I tell Lloyd the whole story. He says "So why don't you call her". I says "I <b> </b><b> </b> can't." I couldn't, I couldn't do it right then. For me to ask a woman out I <b> </b><b> </b> gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks. <b> </b><b> </b> So Lloyd calls me a wuss. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He said wuss? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you called. (They sit at counter) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right. And, and to cover my nervousness I started eating an apple, <b> </b><b> </b> because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it <b> </b><b> </b> makes you sound casual. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, like a farm boy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right. So I call her up, I tell her it's me, she gives me an <b> </b><b> </b> enthusiastic 'Hi!' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow. Enthusiastic 'Hi!', that's beautiful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I don't get the enthusiastic 'Hi!', I'm outta there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, so you're chewing your apple, you got your enthusiastic <b> </b><b> </b> 'Hi!' Go ahead. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, we're talking, and I don't like to go too long before I ask them <b> </b><b> </b> out, I wanna get it over with right away, so I just blurt out "What are you <b> </b><b> </b> doing Saturday night?" <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She bought. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Great day in the morning. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Then I got off the phone right away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure, it's like robbing a bank: you don't loiter around in front of <b> </b><b> </b> the teller holding that big bag of money. You come in, you hit and get out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's amazing: we, we both have dates on the same night. I can't <b> </b><b> </b> remember the last time that happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George's car, parked outside apartment building, night. George and his date <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't stand doing laundry. That's why I have forty pairs of <b> </b><b> </b> underwear. <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> You do not. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Absolutely. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying <b> </b><b> </b> underwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair. That way, I <b> </b><b> </b> only have to do wash once a year. <b> </b> (They both laugh) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's car, also parked outside an apartment building. Jerry and his <b> </b><b> </b><b> GIRLFRIEND DONNA </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (In awful Scots/Irish accent) Come on, try it. Let me hear you try <b> </b><b> </b> a Scottish accent. <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> That's Irish. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Irish, Scottish, what's the difference, lassie? <b> </b><b> </b> (Donna laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DONNA </b> So, er, thanks for dinner. It was great. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. We should do this again. <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Would you like to come upstairs for some coffee? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no, thanks. I can't drink coffee late at night, it keeps me up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DONNA </b> (Looks disappointed) So, um, OK. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> OK. </b> <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Goodnight. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, take it easy. <b> </b> (Donna leaves car. George realizes what he has done and bashes his <b> </b><b> </b> forehead in disgust) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Thanks again for the movie. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're welcome. <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> I'd invite you up, but the place is being painted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, that's OK. <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Unless you want to go to your place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> OK, but there's no cake or anything, if that's what you're looking <b> </b><b> </b> for. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Take it easy, huh, take it easy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think if one's going to kill oneself, the least you could do is <b> </b><b> </b> leave a note - it's common courtesy. I don't know, that's just the way I was <b> </b><b> </b> brought up. <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Values are very important. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, so important. So what are you doing Thursday night - you wanna <b> </b><b> </b> have dinner? <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Thursday's great. (Moves closer) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Looks at his pants) Tan pants. Why do I buy tan pants, Donna? I <b> </b><b> </b> don't feel comfortable in them. <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Are those Cotton Dockers? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I can't begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Really? I like that commercial. (Jerry pauses) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You like that commercial? <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Yeah, it's clever. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now wait a second, you mean the one where the guys are all standing <b> </b><b> </b> around, supposedly being very casual and witty? <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Yeah, that's the one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What could you possibly like about that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DONNA </b> I don't know, I like the guys. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, they're so funny and so comfortable with each other, and I <b> </b><b> </b> could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that. I could sit on a porch and <b> </b><b> </b> wrestle around, and maybe even be part of a real bull session. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Hey, I know guys like that. To me the dialogue rings true. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Shrugs. Pause) Even if the dialogue did ring true. Even if <b> </b><b> </b> somehow somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that have to do with <b> </b><b> </b> the pants? Doesn't that bother you? <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> (Increasingly annoyed) That's the idea. That's what's clever about <b> </b><b> </b> it, that they're not talking about the pants. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But they're talking about nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DONNA </b> That's the point. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know the point. <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> No one is telling you to like it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, all those quick shots of the pants, just pants, pants, <b> </b><b> </b> pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Donna sighs, leans away from Jerry, looks at watch) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY MONOLOGUE </b><b> </b><b> </b> What's brutal about the date is the scrutiny that you put each other <b> </b><b> </b> through. Because whenever you think about this person in terms of the future, <b> </b><b> </b> you have to magnify everything about them. You know, like the guy'll be like <b> </b><b> </b> 'I don't think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the <b> </b><b> </b> rest of my life?' And of course the woman's looking at the guy, thinking 'What <b> </b><b> </b> is he looking at? Do I want somebody looking at me like this for the rest of my <b> </b><b> </b> life?' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm supposed to see her again on Thursday, but can I go out with <b> </b><b> </b> someone who actually likes this commercial? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I once broke up with a guy because he didn't keep his bathroom clean <b> </b><b> </b> enough. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No kidding. Did you tell him that was the reason? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah, I told him all the time. You would not have believed his <b> </b><b> </b><b> TUB </b> germs were building a town in there - they were constructing offices. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Houses near the drain were going for $150,000. <b> </b> (George enters, looking miserable, holding a brown paper bag) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b> (George produces Pepto-Bismol bottle and box of bicarb from bag, places <b> </b><b> </b> them on counter) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're still thinking about this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (While preparing bicarb) She invites me up at twelve o clock at <b> </b><b> </b> night, for coffee. And I don't go up. "No thank you, I don't want coffee, it <b> </b><b> </b> keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee." I said this to her. People <b> </b><b> </b> this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I can't imagine what she must think <b> </b><b> </b> of me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She invited me up. Coffee's not coffee, coffee is sex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe coffee was coffee. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Coffee's coffee in the morning, it's not coffee at twelve o clock at <b> </b><b> </b> night. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well some people drink coffee that late. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, people who work at NORAD, who're on twenty-four hour missile <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> kept saying to myself "Keep it up, don't blow it, you're doing great." <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's all in your head. All she knows is she had a good time. I <b> </b><b> </b> think you should call her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't call her now, it's too soon. I'm planning a Wednesday call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, why? I love it when guys call me the next day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course you do, but you're imagining a guy you like, not a guy who <b> </b><b> </b> goes (in stupid voice) "Oh no, I don't drink coffee late at night." If I call <b> </b><b> </b> her now, she's gonna think I'm too needy. <b> </b> Women don't wanna see need. They want a take-charge guy - a colonel, a <b> </b><b> </b> kaiser, a tsar. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All she'll think is that you like her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, she wants me to like her, if she likes me, but she doesn't like <b> </b><b> </b> me! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know what your parents did to you. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters, points at Jerry) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, I just thought of a really funny thing for your act. Alright, <b> </b><b> </b> you're up there, you're on the stage and you go "Hey, you ever notice how cars <b> </b><b> </b> here in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances anymore. <b> </b><b> </b> Someone's in a life-and-death situation, and we're thinking 'Well, sorry buddy, <b> </b><b> </b> you should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes and sauages <b> </b><b> </b> for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years.'" So you gonna use it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's funny. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It is funny. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's as good as anything you do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, I gotta make a call. Everybody out, come on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why do we have to leave? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because I can't call a woman with other people in the room. Come <b> </b><b> </b> on, let's go. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, see, this is the problem. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're kicking me out of my house? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Don't forget. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh Jerry, do you have any apples? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't do the apples. That's enough already with the apples. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine, Kramer and Jerry leave. George removes jacket, dials phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> PHONE </b> Hi, it's Carol, I 'll get back to you. (Beep) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uhm, hi, it's George, George Costanza, remember me? The guy that <b> </b><b> </b> didn't come up for coffee. <b> </b> You see, I didn't realise that coffee didn't really mean ... well, <b> </b><b> </b> whatever. Anyway, it was fun. It was, erm, it was fun, so, oh boy, uhm, so, <b> </b><b> </b> you call me back. If you want, it's up to you, you know, whatever you wanna do. <b> </b><b> </b> Either way. The ball's in your court. So, er, take it easy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Hangs up. Jerry enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm just gonna get my jacket, I'll meet you downstairs. What's the <b> </b><b> </b> matter, did you call? <b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Got her machine. I'm dead, I'm a dead man. That's it. I'm dead, <b> </b><b> </b> I'm a dead man. Dead man. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know what the hell I said. I gave her an ultimatum and <b> </b><b> </b> there's nothing I can do. It's a machine. The little light is blinking right <b> </b><b> </b><b> NOW </b> 'Come and listen to the idiot. Hey everybody, the idiot's on!' <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> After one date you try and improvise on her machine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now I'm in the worst position of all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Y'know, my brother-in-law once left a message on this guy's machine, <b> </b><b> </b> and he blurted out some business information he wasn't supposed to, and it would <b> </b><b> </b> have cost him $15,000, so he waited outside the guy's house and when the guy <b> </b><b> </b> came home he went upstairs with him and he switched the tape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He did that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Somebody did that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She'll call you back. You're overreacting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not once. <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Never? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have never seen one episode of 'I Love Lucy' in my life ever. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DONNA </b> That's amazing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Is there anything else about you I should know? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, I'm lactose intolerant. <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it. Uhm, <b> </b><b> </b> I'll be right back. (Goes to bathroom) <b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait till you hear this (sees Donna). Whoa, ah, I'm sorry, I <b> </b><b> </b> didn't, I had no idea. (Goes to leave) <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Wait, wait. He's in the bathroom. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just wanted to talk to him for a minute, but I'll come back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DONNA </b> You don't have to leave. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You sure? <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> OK. </b> <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> I'm Donna. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Donna. Oh, you're the one that likes that commercial! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DONNA </b> He told you about that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, he, he didn't actually tell me that, uh, we were talking about <b> </b><b> </b> that commercial, in fact I think I brought it up because I like that commercial. <b> </b><b> </b> No, he, he would never tell me anything like that. He never discusses anything. <b> </b><b> </b> He's, he's like a clam. You're not gonna mention this, to him.. (Jerry re- <b> </b><b> </b> enters) <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> (To Jerry) So you go around telling your friends I'm not hip <b> </b><b> </b> because I like that commercial. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? (To George) What did, what did you say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Say? What? Nothing, I.. <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> You told him how I like the commercial. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, so what if I said that? <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Well, so, you didn't have to tell your friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I had to tell my friends, my friends didn't have to tell you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Donna) Why did you have to get me in trouble? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DONNA </b> I don't like you talking about me with your friends behind my back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Boy oh boy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I said I couldn't believe you liked that commercial. So what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DONNA </b> I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the <b> </b><b> </b> commercial. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b> K Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Kramer, this is Donna. <b> </b> k Oh. Cotton Dockers! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello! Alright, we should be going. Come on .(Grabs Kramer) <b> </b><b> </b> k What? Where are we going? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on! <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Don't bother, I'm leaving. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Donna, really, you're making too much of this. <b> </b><b> </b> K One hundred percent Cotton Dockers, if they're not Dockers, they're just <b> </b><b> </b> pants! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Please, Donna. <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> I don't wanna hear it.(Leaves) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe I said that. You know me, I'm a vault. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't worry about it, it wasn't working anyway. <b> </b><b> </b> k What happened there? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll tell you later. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You are not gonna believe what's going on with this woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> OK, so you remember I made the initial call Sunday, she doesn't call <b> </b><b> </b> back. I call again Monday, I leave another message. I call Tuesday, I get the <b> </b><b> </b><b> MACHINE AGAIN </b> "I know you're there, I don't know what your story is." <b> </b><b> </b> Yesterday, I'm a volcano - I try one more call, the machine comes on, and fly <b> </b><b> </b> like Mussolini from the balcony- "Where the hell do you get the nerve? You <b> </b><b> </b> invite me up for coffee and then you don't call me back for four days? I don't <b> </b><b> </b> like coffee, I don't have to come up. I'd like to get one more shot at the <b> </b><b> </b> coffee just so I could spit it in your face." <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You said that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I lost it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't blame you. I can't believe she never called you back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She did. Today. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She called my office. She said she's been in the Hamptons since <b> </b><b> </b> Sunday. She didn't know if I was trying to get in touch with her. Her machine <b> </b><b> </b> broke, and she's been using her old machine and she doesn't have the beeper for <b> </b><b> </b> it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So she didn't get the messages. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Exactly, but they're on there waiting. She said she can't wait to <b> </b><b> </b> see me, we're having dinner tonight. She's supposed to call me as soon as she <b> </b><b> </b> gets home. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But what about the messages? <b> </b> (George produces cassette tape from pocket) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine's thing? How you gonna get in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll meet her outside the building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you know as soon as she gets in the apartment she's going right <b> </b><b> </b> for that machine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Or she goes for the bathroom. That's my only chance. Who am I <b> </b><b> </b> kidding? I can't do this, I can't do this. I don't even know how to work those <b> </b><b> </b> stupid machines. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's nothing to it. You lift the lid, it comes right out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You do it for me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on, it'll be so much easier. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How you gonna get me up there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll tell her I bumped into you, I'm giving you a ride uptown. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And who makes the switch? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You do. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I do. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't do it. I'll, I'll keep her busy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't get involved in this. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think I may be in love with this woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What if she sees me? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, you are such a wuss. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A wuss? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you call me a wuss? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well there is traffic. It might take her till eight-fifteen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got one problem: you're keeping her busy in the other room. Now, <b> </b><b> </b> what if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in? You have to signal me <b> </b><b> </b> that she's coming. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A signal, right, erm, OK, er OK, the signal is, I'll call out 'Tippy <b> </b><b> </b> toe!' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 'Tippy Toe?' I don't think so. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't like 'Tippy toe?' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No 'Tippy toe.' <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, er, OK I got it, erm, I'll sing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What song? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Erm, 'How do you solve a problem like Maria?' <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, it's a lovely song. (Sings) How do you solve a problem like <b> </b><b> </b> Maria? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anything else? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You pick it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 'Lemon Tree' <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Peter, Paul and Mary. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, Trini Lopez. <b> </b><b> BOTH </b> (Singing) Lemon tree very pretty and a lemon flower <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You got the tape? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Produces tapes) Standard. Micro. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How do you feel? Confident? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Feel good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You nervous? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not at all. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Get up, get up, it's her. Oh, the hell with this, I'm scared to <b> </b><b> </b> death, just walk away, it's off, cancel everything, go! <b> </b> (Carol arrives) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! What are you doing here? I thought I was supposed to call you <b> </b><b> </b> when I got home. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I, I couldn't wait. I was too anxious to see you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Oh, that's so sweet. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, this is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld. I just bumped into him <b> </b><b> </b> around the corner. Isn't that a coincidence? The funny thing is, I see him all <b> </b><b> </b> the time. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All the time. <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> It's nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> So, I'm starving. Where are we gonna eat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, we could go uptown, and that way we could give Jerry a <b> </b><b> </b> ride home. <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> OK. Let's go, I'm ready, where'd you park? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't you wanna go upstairs first? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> No, what for? I'll just give my bag to the doorman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I really need to use the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Oh well there's a bathroom in the coffee shop just next door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, yes, but er, I have to make a call, so... <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Well they have a phone. <b> </b> (George takes Carol to one side) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know Jerry. He has this phobia about public toilets. I think we <b> </b><b> </b> really should go upstairs. <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> (Aloud) You know, I think I will go upstairs. I can check my <b> </b><b> </b> machine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right, right. <b> </b> (They enter building) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> The bathroom's on the hall to the right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Er, you know, why don't you go first, you just had a long trip. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> No, I'm fine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uhmmm, you know, it's the damnedest thing, it went away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Oh that's weird. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no that can happen. I've, er, I've read about that in medical <b> </b><b> </b> journals. It's a freak thing, but... <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Well, let me just check my messages, and we'll go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, Carol, can I talk to you for a second? Right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Please, this is very, very important. (Leads her to other room) <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry goes over to machine to switch tape) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Shouts from other room) Uhh, tippy toe! Tippy toe! Lemon tree! <b> </b><b> </b> (Carol reappears followed by George) <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> (To Jerry) Now I know who you are. You're a comedian. I've seen <b> </b><b> </b> you, it's driving me crazy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. I am. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Carol, that's so rude. Please, I'm serious, just for a moment, if <b> </b><b> </b> you wouldn't mind, and then we'll talk to Jerry. <b> </b> (George leads Carol back out, Jerry switches tapes) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Shouts) Hey you two. I'm ready to go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Carol return) <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the <b> </b><b> </b> pool? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Jerry) Don't you find that strange? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Well, I'll just check my machine and we'll go. No, nothing here, <b> </b><b> </b> let's go. Oh, I forgot to tell you. After I talked to you today my neighbour <b> </b><b> </b> called me and played my messages to me over the phone. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, uhhh... <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Yours were hilarious, we were both cracking up. I just love jokes <b> </b><b> </b> like that. <b> </b> (All three leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw <b> </b><b> </b> somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go "Excuse me, I'm not <b> </b><b> </b> in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away." I also <b> </b><b> </b> have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam <b> </b><b> </b> down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone - "You can't <b> </b><b> </b> talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless <b> </b><b> </b> phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" (Mimes fiddly button-pressing) <b> "I </b><b> </b><b> </b> told him!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Phone Message Script

1991-04-04

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE APARTMENT </b> Written by Peter Mehlman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I painted my apartment again. I've been living in this apartment for years and years, and every time I paint it, it kinda gets me down. I look around, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and I think, well, it's a little bit smaller now. You know, I realize it's just the thickness of the paint, but I'm aware of it. It keeps coming in and coming in. Everytime I <b> </b><b> </b> paint it, it's closer and closer. I don't even know where the wall outlets are anymore. I just look for like a lump with two slots in it. Kinda looks like a pig is trying to <b> </b><b> </b> push his way through from the other side. That's where I plug in.. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise. You know what <b> </b><b> </b> I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control.. that's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurling through space in your living room, watching <b> </b><b> </b> TV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because Kirk was the only one that had a big screen. They came over Friday night, Klingon boxing.. gotta be <b> </b><b> </b> there. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine are looking at Kramer with their arms folded. His hair is slicked down) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mousse. I moussed up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I guess it was just a matter of time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, I should've done this years ago. I mean, I feel like I had two lives. My pre-mousse and now, I begin my post-mousse. Hey, tell me the truth, <b> </b><b> </b> have you ever seen a better looking guy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, look, its so subjective. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't mean to interrupt or anything, but on Sunday, my friend is having a brunch for the New York Marathon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I keep forgetting to enter that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She lives right above First Avenue, and says she has a perfect view of the race. And she said I can invite some friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe. <b> </b> (A loud argument erupts in the hallway between Harold and Manny, the building supervisors) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> No, I'm not going up there. (Manny screams out something in Spanish) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Harold and Manny. <b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> I'm not going. (Manny says something in Spanish, Jerry goes out into the hall) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boys, boys. <b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> Oh, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I slid the rent under your door, Harold. Did you get it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> Yeah, yeah.. (Joking) Hey, Jerry, would you like anything from Mrs. Hudwalker's apartment? (Manny starts yelling at Harold in Spanish) I was only <b> </b><b> </b> joking. (To Jerry) He thinks I'm going to give you Mrs. Hudwalker's things. (Manny starts talking in Spanish) We have to go up there now and clean the apartment. <b> </b><b> </b> It's a good thing her rent was overdue. She'd be rotting up there for a month. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She died? ..Mrs. Hudwalker died? <b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> Ninety-four years old. I found her yesterday. She didn't have a wig on. It was horrifying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MANNY </b> Harold, (In Spanish) Come on, hurry up! <b> </b><b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> (To Manny) What's the matter with you?! I'm talking. So, Jerry, you know anyone who needs an apartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you kidding? You know my friend Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> Oh yeah, I like her. She always says "hello" to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not promised to anybody? 'Cause she would take it in a second. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> Well, Manny wanted it for his brother, but he got deported. (Manny starts protesting in Spanish) What's the difference? It's true. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, it's okay? I could just tell her she can have it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> Sure, sure. She's getting a bargain, too. It's only four hundred dollars a month. (Manny yells in Spanish) Okay.. (Manny keeps talking in Spanish) Okay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry goes back to his apartment, passing Kramer on the way) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Talking about his hair) Hey, Harold, what do you think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> Manny, look, Kramer put mousse in his hair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANNY </b> (In Spanish) It looks worse. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Not knowing what Manny said) Thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry enters his apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What was that all about? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, nothing important. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's going on? What is that look? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What look? Nothing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Something's going on here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know if you should sit for this or not. Sitting is good if you faint, but standing is good for jumping up and down.. I can't decide. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jumping up and down? What are you talking about? C'mon. Cough it up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Elaine. You know the way I am - rarely ever thinking of myself. My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me. Sure, it hurts <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> sometimes - to give, and give, and give.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Would you please? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What would you say if I told you that.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Told me what?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..I got you an apartment in this building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Dumbfounded) No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You didn't. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I did. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You got me an apartment in the building?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got you an apartment in the building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How did you.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Remember Mrs. Hudwalker? The ninety-four-year-old woman who lived above me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She died. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Thrilled) She died?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She died. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She died! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And the rent's only four hundred dollars a month! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get out! (Pushes Jerry, he stumbles back) Four hundred a month? Only four hundred a month?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Four hundred a month. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And I'll be right upstairs? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right upstairs. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right above you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right above me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, we're neighbors. I'll be here all the time! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Suddenly having second thoughts) All the time.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We can exchange keys so we can come in and out. Oh, this is going to be great! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..All the time.. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like you're always making a movie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> You mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole shot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you could take back. You're out <b> </b><b> </b> somewhere with people, "Gee, you look pregnant.. are ya?" "Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, that's not gonna work at all. Walk out the door, and come back in. Let's take <b> </b><b> </b> this whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Coffee shop) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Pays his bill) Thanks, see ya later, Donna. (Walks out, he runs into Jerry outside the shop) What happened to you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't believe what I just did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? What did you do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I could tell you what I did, but you wouldn't believe it. It's not believable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What did you do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could I have done that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Done what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told Elaine about an apartment opening up in my building. She's going to move in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine's moving into your building? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. Right above me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right above you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're gonna be neighbors. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. Neighbors. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's right above you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right above me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How could you do that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect - I'm a much bigger idiot than you are. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed <b> </b><b> </b> advantage. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I need the home bed advantage! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course, we all do. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Gesturing to the coffee shop) Come in for two minutes and sit with me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was just in there. It's embarrassing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, who's gonna know? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They saw me walk out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Two minutes. <b> </b> (Scene cuts to Jerry and George in the coffee shop) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My censoring system broke down. You know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say? Makes sure you don't make a mistake? He went <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> for a cup of coffee, and in that second - ruined my life. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My censor quit two years ago. He checked into a clinic. Emotionally exhausted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..So, is there any way out of this Elaine thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tough. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, the water pressure's terrible in my building.. and she loves a good shower. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't think anyone's turned down an apartment because of a weak shower spray. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If they were fanatic about showers, they might. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> For that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at that woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting, coffee shop corned beef hash. Isn't that child abuse? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'd like to have a kid. Of course, you have to have a date first.. remember my friend, Adam, from Detroit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, the guy with the flat head? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's a cube.. anyway, he got married six months ago. he told me ever since he's been wearing a wedding band, women have been coming on to him <b> </b><b> </b> everywhere he goes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I've heard that about wedding bands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Joking) I wonder if that's really true. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That would be an interesting sociological experiment. You know, Kramer has his father's band. He'd loan it to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Apartment buliding hallway) <b> </b> (George is trying on a wedding band) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thanks a lot. I"ll give it back to you in a week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, I don't even know why you're fooling around with this ring. I've been telling you, get yourself some plugs, or a piece. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not doing that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, man. You know, you're crazy. You're a good looking guy. What do you want to walk around like that for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I'll put half a can of mousse in my head like you. <b> </b><b> </b> (Manny and Harold are arguing again from down the hall) <b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> I told you I don't like these sponges, they're too small! I want a big sponge! (Manny yells) You can't pick up anything with these! There's no absorption! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Manny yells in Spanish, Jerry exits his apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boys, boys. <b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> Hi, Jerry. <b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> Hello, Jerry. (Says something in Spanish to Harold) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> Okay.. your friend can't have the apartment, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> Because somebody offered Manny five thousand dollars for the apartment. I don't want to do it. Manny wants to do it. (Manny yells) Because it's true! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Why shouldn't I tell him? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, hey. I understand. You're businessmen. (Manny talks in Spanish) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> Oh, now, he says that if your friend has five thousand dollars, we'll give it to her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's a lot of money. But, if that's the way it's gotta be, that's the way it's gotta be. (Goes back to his apartment) You know, I used to think that the <b> </b><b> </b> universe is a random, chaotic, sequence of meaningless events, but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What happened to you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Religion, my friend, that's what happened to me. Because, I have just been informed that it's going to cost Elaine the sum of five thousand dollars to get the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> apartment upstairs. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Five thousand dollars? She doesn't have five thousand dollars! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course she doesn't have five thousand dollars! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, she can't get the apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can't get it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, she doesn't move in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No move. So, you see, it's all part of a divine plan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And how does the baldness fit into that plan? <b> </b><b> </b> (The intercom buzzes) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Into the intercom) Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Unlocks the main door. To George) Alright, this is going to require some great acting now. I have to pretend I'm disappointed. You're going to really see <b> </b><b> </b> me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this.. maybe you should go in the other room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you kidding?! I lie ever second of the day. My whole life is a sham! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 'Cause you know, I love Elaine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course you do. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you know.. not in the building. Really, I feel terrible about this. My intentions were good. What can I do? Tell me.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (To someone in the hallway) No, I'll be seeing you. (Starts to sing) "Good morning, good morning.." Have you ever gotten up in the morning <b> </b><b> </b> and felt it's great to be alive? That every breath is a gift of sweet life from above? (George leaves, and goes to the other room) Oh, and before I forget, I have the <b> </b><b> </b> checks for first month, last month, security deposit. I have seventy-five dollars left in my account. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Looks at the checks) Well.. there's a little bit of a problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I know. There's a weak shower spray, I know. I've already thought about it, and I'm switching to baths. As Winston Churchill said, "Why stand when <b> </b><b> </b> you can sit?" Maybe I'll get some rubber duckies.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, someone offered Harold and Manny five thousand for the apartment. I'm sure they'd just as soon give it to you, but you'd have to come up with that <b> </b><b> </b> money. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Five thousand dollars? I don't have five thousand dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How am I going to get five thousand dollars? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have no idea. <b> </b> (Enter Kramer) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, my new neighbor! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm not moving in. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They want five thousand dollars now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, okay. What's the problem? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't have five thousand dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> C'mon, you can come up with five thousand dollars.. Jerry, you don't have five thousand dollars you can led her? Come on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, well, I didn't.. Is that something you want to borrow? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, that's too much money to borrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Loan her the money. You can afford it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She doesn't want to borrow the money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, c'mon. She'll pay you back. What's five grand between friends? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Of course I'd pay you back.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, so what's the problem? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who said there's a problem? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He said he'd loan you the money. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well Jerry, it might take a while for me to pay you back. Maybe a few years. How do you feel about that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's okay. He doesn't care. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, money can sometimes come between friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Get outta here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Let me think about it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's to think about? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know.. I don't know. Five thousand.. let me just take one more look at it. (Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was all over! Taken care of. Done! Finished. Five thousand.. Where's she gonna get five thousand? She doesn't have five thousand. Clean. Good bye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> She's gone. Then you come in, "Why don't you loan her five thousand? What do you care? You've got five thousand. Give her five thousand." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You didn't want her in the building? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I didn't! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, then what did you loan her the five thousand for? Oh, look, maybe she won't take it.. I mean, she did say that she was going to think about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from the animals. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me explain something to you.. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. <b> I </b><b> </b><b> </b> sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because I'm a pod? <b> </b> (George returns for Jerry's bedroom just as Elaine returns) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll take it! <b> </b> (George turns on his heels, and goes back into Jerry's room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Roxanne's apartment) <b> </b> (Guests are milling around, eating. Elaine enters with Jerry and George. Roxanne greets them) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROXANNE </b> Hi, Elaine.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hi, Roxanne. Nice to be here. These are my friends. This is George, and this is Jerry. (They exchange greetings) Jerry's the one who got me my new <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> apartment! <b> </b><b> ROXANNE </b> So, you're Elaine's hero. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it's my life's work. <b> </b><b> ROXANNE </b> There are so few true heros left in this world. (Jerry's attracted to Roxanne, Elaine notices) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Showing off his wedding band) Yeah, my wife couldn't make it today. She's got some thing with her mother.. Who know's what going on with her. Don't <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> let any one kid you, it's tough. (Goes off to mingle) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, better load up on some carbos before the race. (Starts selecting food from the tables) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROXANNE </b> Oh, the marathon is great, isn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yes. Particularily if your not in it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROXANNE </b> I wish we had a view of the finish line. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya, and twenty thousand losers. <b> </b><b> </b> (Roxanne makes a face, Scene guts to George. He's standing next to an attractive woman) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ..Yeah, my wife started getting on me about the lawn today. I'm tellin' ya, it's one thing after another. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RITA </b> Is she here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, she's working. <b> </b><b> RITA </b> What does she do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's an.. entymologist - you know, bees, flies, gnats. What about you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RITA </b> I work for the Director of Madison Square Garden. It's great! I can get free tickets to any sporting even in New York. (George is stunned) Anyway, she's a <b> </b><b> </b> very luck woman. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But.. (She leaves, George is standing there) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to an entering man and woman) <b> </b><b> ROXANNE </b> Hi Stan. Joanne. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, this is Joanne, and this is Stan. They're in my short story class with Roxanne and me. Hey, Jerry just got me a great apartment in his building! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOANNE </b> Well, Jerry, it'll be nice having a close friend nearby? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fantastic.. <b> </b><b> STAN </b> She can pop in whenever she wants. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. <b> </b><b> JOANNE </b> She doesn't even need to knock! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's tremendous. <b> </b><b> STAN </b> Anytime of day. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm in heaven. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Rita come here. This is Jerry. He's the one who got me the apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RITA </b> Oh, Hi. (Calling to someone) bob, this is the guy who got Elaine the apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to George) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sorry, I don't see the big deal about being a matador. The bull charges, you move the cape, wha't so hard? (The both laugh flirtingly) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSIE </b> So, are you really married? Because, I've actually heard of single guys who wear wedding bands to attrack women. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You'd have to be a real loser to try something like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSIE </b> That's too bad, because I really have a thing for bald guys with glasses. (Shrugs, smiles, then leaves George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RITA </b> Hey everybody! Here come the runners! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Everyone runs to the windows. Jerry and Elaine stay put) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So you and Roxanne are hitting it off, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I wouldn't quite say that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? From a distance, you seemed to be coming on to her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm a guy.. it always looks like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because, I was thinking.. are you at all concerned that living in the same building will, y'kno.. cramp our styles? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Na.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because, I was worried that there might be a situation in which one of us come home with somebody, it could get a little uncomfortable. But - as long as <b> </b><b> </b> you're okay with it, it's fine with me. <b> </b> (Scene cuts to George) <b> </b><b> JANICE </b> I've never been able to be with just one person. I can, however, carry on strictly physical relationships which can last for years and years. It's a shame <b> </b><b> </b> you're married.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Frantically tries to take the ring off) I'm not. It's just a sociological experiment! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JANICE </b> Please.. (Walks away) <b> </b> (Jerry walks over to George) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You have no idea what an idiot it. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. (Points to himself) This is an idiot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is that right? (Showing him up) I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> a little respect. For I am Costanza. Lord of the Idiots! <b> </b><b> ROXANNE </b> (Yelling out the window) You're all winners! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Into the phone) George, I didn't sleep at all last night.. I decided I have to tell her.. I'm just going to be honest. That's all.. Yes, I'm nervous.. Are you <b> </b><b> </b> listening to me? Just put some soap on your finger.. it'll slide right off.. Then try axle grease. (Kramer enters) I'll call you back after I talk to her. Bye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's all taken care of. Everything's cool. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? What's cool? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I just found a guy who's willing to pay ten thousand dollars for the apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You what?! Get out! Ten thousand? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Nods) Cash. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who would pay that much? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's in the music business. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine would never borrow that much money! (Hugs Kramer, then grabs him by the cheeks) Kramer, my God, man! This is beautiful! I think I'm in the clear <b> </b><b> </b> here. Elaine's not moving in! I don't have to confront her! She has no idea I never wanted her to move in.. I"m golden! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, occasionally, I like to help the humans. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Harold and Manny are in Jerry's apartment. A pulsing music is coming through the walls) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow. You're right. That is loud. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's just unbelievable. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They rehearse all the time? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All the time. I've been up there six times. They refuse to stop. I can't live like this. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm heading for breakdown! (To Harold) <b> </b><b> </b> Can't you do something? <b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> I'm not going up. It stinks up there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Manny.. <b> </b><b> MANNY </b> (In Spanish) They're allowed to play until eleven o' clock. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HAROLD </b> I'm not the one who said eleven o' clock. He makes up his own rules. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Boy, too bad. If I was up there, you'd never hear a peep out of me. I'm as quiet as a mouse. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Talking about the music) Oh, I love the one they do right after this one! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. What do you do when a neighbor is making, like, a lot of noise at three o' clock in the morning? I mean, can you knock on someone's door and tell them to keep it down? You're really altering your whole self-image, I mean, what am I? Fred Mertz now? What's happening to me? Can I do this? Am I a shusher? I used to be a shushee. There's a lot of shushing going on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. Shh..shh.... shhh... shhh.. Doesn't work, 'cause nobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a Shh. "Was that a shush? I think somebody just shushed me." Some people you can't shush in a movie theater. There's always that certain group of people, isn't it. They're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing them, and shushing them. They won't shush. They're the unshushables. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Apartment Script

1991-04-11

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE STATUE </b> Written by Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have to tell you that I did some very exciting news recently, and I don't know if I should really tell you exactly what it is because it's really not a definite thing yet. Well, I will tell you what I know so far. According to the information that I have in the envelope that I've received, it seems that I may have already won some very valuable prizes. Well, thank you, thank you very much, well thank you. It's very nice to hear that. But, in all honesty, I have to say, I didn't even know I was in this thing. But, according to the readout, it looks like I am among the top people that they are considering. You know, that's what annoys me about the sweepstakes companies, they always tease you with that, "You may have already won." I'd like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts, come out with the truth, just tell people the truth one time. Send out envelopes, "You have definitely lost!" You turn it over, giant printing, "Not even close!" You open it up, there's this whole letter of explanation, "Even we cannot believe how badly you've done in this contest." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (George is reading the paper. Kramer and Jerry both try to enter carrying a large carton with the name Seinfeld on it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Trying to get the box through the door. To Kramer) To the right. (They get it through) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That took awhile. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) Don't get up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'd like to help, but my neck.. <b> </b> (The set the box on the table) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So how long has it been in the basement? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Since my grandfather died. I was suppose to send it down to my parents in Florida, but they didn't want it. They told me to get rid of it, but I felt funny and then I sort of forgot about it. And it's been sitting down there for three years.. until he saw it. (To Kramer) Alright, so, just take what you want and let's get it out of here. <b> </b><b> </b> (They open the box, and start going through it) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's in it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Grandpa clothes. I can't wear them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Pulls out some socks) You want these? Knee socks. You don't wear knee socks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, go ahead. (Looks around his apartment) Look at this place. I can't wait to get it cleaned. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know someone who'll do it. She's good. She's honest. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, Elaine got this writer friend from Finland, Rava. Her boyfriend goes to Columbia grad school, and he's suppose to do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Students can't clean. It's anathema. (Jerry's confused) ..They don't like it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation? <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer pulls a statue out of the box) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now this, I like. <b> </b> (George's eyes light up when he sees the statue) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a second. I can't believe this! Let me see this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Getting possesive) Wait, wait, wait.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me just see it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on.. <b> </b> (The both grab it) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me just see it for a second. Oh my God, it's exactly the same! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly. And, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, "MacArthur Park", and I got to the part about, "I'll never have that recipe again," and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the ten commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George grips the statue, but Kramer wont let go. They start to fight for it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> C'mon, George. I saw it first. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, Kramer. I have to have this statue. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I got dibs! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? No dibs! I need this statue. C'mon, give it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Stepping in) Spread out, spread out you numbskulls. Why don't you just settle it like mature adults? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Potato man! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, no potato man.. Inka-dink. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer and George both visibly add up in their heads to see who would lose if Inka-Dink was the way to go) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay.. start with me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, good, good. <b> </b> (Jerry begins the childish choosing game of Inka-dink, pointing alternately between Kramer and George with every syllable) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Inka-dink, a bottle of ink. The cork fell out, and you stink. Not because you're dirty, not because you're clean - just because you kissed the girl behind the magazine.. (He lands on Kramer, then completes the rhyme) And you are it! (Lands on George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What?! Wait a minute. No, no, no. What are you doing? No, no, oh, oh, okay. He's out. I get it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, no, no.. I'm "it". I win. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, he's it. He wins. "It" is good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do over - start with him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, no, come on, Kramer. Now, you got the socks. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer tosses the statue to George) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, you can have it. Okay, I'm gonna take the suit, and the shoes, and the hat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, c'mon. Let's go. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, I'll look like Joe Friday in Dragnet. (Hums out the theme song) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (In shock) I can't believe I won at Inka-dink. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on, let's go. (They go to the door. George sets the statue down) Aren't you gonna take it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, no, I don't want to carry it around all night. I'll pick it up later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GOERGE </b> (To Kramer) What about your stuff? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, uh, well - okay. (Balls up the clothes he just got, and throws them into his apartment, and leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, let's go. Hey, you know, you owe me one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Inka-dink.. you were "It". <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "It"'s bad? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "It" very bad. <b> </b> (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> RAVA </b> Well, if they don't let you be my editor on this book, I'll go to another publisher. It's that simple. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You told them that? <b> </b><b> RAVA </b> Of course. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is so fantastic. I don't know how to thank you. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry enters for the bedroom carrying luggage) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Frantic) So, where's this boyfriend of yours? I can't wait much longer. I've got a flight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, probably caught in traffic. <b> </b><b> RAVA </b> (Serious) Or maybe he's dead. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Joking) So what do you write, children's books? <b> </b><b> </b> (There's a knock at the door) <b> </b><b> RAVA </b> That's Ray. <b> </b> (Ray enters with cleaning gear) <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Ah, greetings, greetings, and salutations. I beg your forgiveness. My tardiness was unavoidable. Rava, my love. Elaine, my dear friend.. And you must be Jerry. Lord of the manor. Ah, my liege. A pleasure to serve you. (Bows) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Taken aback) ..Alright. <b> </b><b> RAVA </b> And we have to get back to work. (She exits with Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Rushed) I gotta get to the airport. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> Your place shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your save arrival, Sire. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The toilet brush is under the sink.. (Exits) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't really feel that comfortable with a maid, either, because there's that guilt when you have someone cleaning your house. You know, you're sitting there on your sofa, and they go by with the vacuum, "I'm really sorry about this. I don't know why I let that stuff over there." And that's why I could never be a maid, because I'd have an attitude. I'd find them, whereever they are in the house, "Oh, I suppose you couldn't do this? No, don't get up, let me clean up your filth. No, you couldn't dust. No, this is too tough, isn't it?" <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He really did an amazing job, look! He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid. (Opens refrigerator) He cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups. Come here, look at this. (Gets on his knees) He cleaned the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter. How did he get in there? He must be like Rubber Man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There's no Rubber Man. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? There's Elastic Man and Plastic Man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm leaving. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where are you going? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> To Rava's house. I've gotta pick up her manuscript. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait. I'll go with you. (They both go tward the door. Jerry opens it) Elaine, he Windexed the little peep hole! (The leave) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) (Rava's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry, Elaine, and Rava sit in the living room) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To Rava) So, the meeting with Lippman is all set. He's the editor-in-chief! I think because of your request.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAVA </b> Demand. (The sound of locks being unlocked can be heard) There's Ray.. late as usual. <b> </b><b> </b> (Ray enters) <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Well, this is an unexpected surprise - and Delight! The once and future king of comedy, "Jerry the First," gracing our humble abode. Rava, we're in the presence of royalty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Ray, listen, you really did a tremendous job cleaning that apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> But I didn't just clean your apartment. It was a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration of life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Joking about his personality) Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere? <b> </b><b> </b> (They all laugh - Ray laughs longer than everyone else. Jerry savors the laughs of his big fan - then he sees George's statue on the mantle of the fireplace. He's stunned by the sight) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAVA </b> The water is boiling. Are you having tea? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE AND RAY </b> Yes. <b> </b> (Jerry's still stunned) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry? ..Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Snaps out of it) What? <b> </b><b> RAVA </b> (From the kitchen) Ray, would you give me a hand? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> Yeah, I'm coming! <b> </b> (He leaves. As soon as both Rava and Ray are in the kitchen, Jerry and Elaine start talking in loud whispers) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Points to the statue) I think that's the statue from my house. That looks like the statue from my house! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What statue? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I had a statue! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You have a statue? I never saw a statue. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My grandfather gave me a statue! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Since when? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the difference?! That's the one! He ripped me off! This guy ripped me off! <b> </b><b> </b> (Ray pops his head back into the living room) <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Do you take sugar? <b> </b><b> JERRY AND ELAINE </b> Uhh.. no. <b> </b> (Ray goes back into the kitchen) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe it! This guy ripped me off! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you realize what you're saying? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes! This guy ripped me off! He stole that statue right out of my house! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ray pops in again) <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Lemon? <b> </b><b> JERRY AND ELAINE </b> (Causual) Uh.. sure, yeah.. <b> </b> (Ray goes back into the kitchen) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pretty sure! Ninety-nine percent sure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ninety-nine percent sure?! <b> </b> (Ray and Rava both enter, carrying a tray of tea) <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Ah, sweet elixir. It's fragrant nectar - a soothing balm for the soul. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry smells it suspiciously - like it's poisoned. A ding from the kitchen can be heard) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> The pastries! <b> </b> (Ray and Rava exit in different directions) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe it just looks the same. Maybe it's just a coincidence. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Coincidence? This guy's in my apartment and then, just by coincidence, he has the same exact statue in his apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I never saw the statue. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I had a statue! What should I do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..I'll call Kramer. He can check my house. (Grabs the phone, and dials) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh Jerry, don't blow this for me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't worry.. (Whispering into the phone) Kramer! Kramer!.. It's Jerry!.. Jerry! .. from next door!.. Never mind where I am!.. Yes, Jerry Seinfeld!.. (Rava enters with a manuscript. Jerry starts talking casually) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ma, I told ya, just dip the bread in the batter, and put in right in the pan. Okay, bye. (Hangs up) My mother.. She forgot how to make French Toast. You know how mothers are. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAVA </b> My mother left us when I was six years old. All seven of us. He ever heard from her again. I hope she's rotting in an alley somewhere. <b> </b><b> </b> (A long beat passes) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My mom's down in Florida.. she's go one of those condos.. Hot down there in the summer. You ever been down there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ray enters with a tray of pastries) <b> </b><b> RAY </b> I love these pastries. You know, in Scandinavian mythology, the pastries were the food of the gods. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..Listen, I just remembered.. I'm ..uh, getting a facial. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Takes the manuscript) Oh, see you tomarrow morning. <b> </b><b> </b> (They go to leave) <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Oh, how about dinner? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't eat dinner. Dinner's for suckers. (They leave) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (On the phone) Uh huh.. yeah.. Okay, thanks anyway. Bye. (Hangs up) Nope, the cop says it's my word against his. There's nothing they can do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let's go get him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We can't just let him get away with this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you realize how crazy he had to be to do something like this? He knew I was gonna know it's missing, and he took it! And of all things to take - I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. He's crazy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You wanta go get him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, then, if he's crazy you should just forget it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Forget it? I already called my parents. I told them to expect the surprise of a lifetime. My mother's making her roasted potatoes! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, do you realize that Rava's asked me to edit her book? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who is this Rava? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I say we get him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me just call him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll call him. (Picks up the cordless phone. Kramer, George, and Elaine all struggle for control of the other - so they can listen in on the conversation. As Jerry's talking, the three others still fight) Hello, Ray? ..Hi, Ray, this is Rava's friend, Elaine's frined, Jerry.. The King of Comedy.. right. Listen, you know that statue on your mantle, the one with the blue lady? (To Kramer and George) Will you shut up?! (To Ray) Yeah, you don't want to talk about it over the phone? You don't want Rava to hear? ..Yeah, I understand.. You know that coffee shop near my house, Monk's? ..Alright, tomarrow. One o' clock. Great, okay, bye. (Hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Scrambling) Alright, look, look, look, Let's say he stole it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, he stole it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> C'mon, you can't do anything about it. The cops won't do anything. What, are you going to fight him? Why don't you just.. forget it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY AND GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b> (Scene ends) (Coffee shop) <b> </b> (Jerry sits alone. In the next booth to Jerry's back, George is sitting inconspicuously) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Jerry, without looking at him) I thought you said one o' clock. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Relax, he's late. He's always late. It's part of his "M.O." <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Remember, don't take any crap. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah.. don't worry about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll be right here. <b> </b> (Ray enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) That's comforting.. Shh. He's here. (Greeting him) Ray? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> (Stands next to the table) Oh, Jerry. I can't believe you asked me about that statue. Do you know how much trouble you could've got me into? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..Well, I didn't.. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Rava was standing right next to me. I never told her where I got the statue. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Muttering to himself) I wonder why. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, just give it back, and I won't say anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> Give it back? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Muttering) What is he talking about.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> I'm talking about the statue. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, me too. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Give it back to whom? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To himself) Yeah, him. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> You? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Me. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> I'm not getting this. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To himself) You already got it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ray, I had a statue in my house. You were in my house - and then I saw it in your house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> What are you saying? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What am I saying? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To himself) Take a wild guess. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Are you saying I stole your statue? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To himself) What a mind. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I.. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> I can't believe what I'm hearing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe what I'm hearing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to himself) I can't believe what I'm hearing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> For your information, I got that statue at a pawn shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Himself) A pawn shop? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A pawn shop? <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Yes. In Chinatown with the money I earned cleaning people's apartments. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To himself) And cleaning them out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry elbows George - a message to shut up) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, excuse me.. Look, Ray, you were the only person in my house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> What's behind this? It's Rava, isn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To himself) Again with the Rava. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> You want her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Joking) No, she's a little too cheery for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> (Losing it) She's from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know Finland. They're neutral. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Is it me? Do I rub you the wrong way? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I actually find you quite charming.. a bit verbose at times. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Mocking) "Oh, I find you so charming" ..You wuss. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To George) Did you call me a wuss? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> What did you say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I said luss.. I'm at a luss.. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> I would just love to take you down to the shop where I got it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's not necessary. (George slams his menu down on the table in anger) You know, maybe it's not that bad an idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> And I would love to. Nothing would please me more. But, unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to Singapore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Muttering to himself) Singapore?! Do you hear this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> If you really want, maybe I can contact the guy in Singapore aand have him make a photostat of the receipt and send it over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGGE </b> That's it! That's it! I can't take it. I can't take it anymore! (Gets up, turns around, and confronts Ray) You stole the statue! You're a theif! You're a liar! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pleading) George. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> (To Jerry) Who is this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is.. guilty! <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> What's going on here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> GUILTY! </b> <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Your friend is crazy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I'm crazy! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Still pleading) George, george.. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> I've got to get going. I have a class. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh ho! Class, huh? At Columbia? Let me tell you something, pal. I called the registrar's office. I checked you out. They have no record of a Ray Thomas at that school! You liar! <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> Well, that's because I'm registered under my full legal name, Raymond Thomas Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional name. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You mean alias. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> You are starting to make me angry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, that was bound to happen! <b> </b><b> RAY </b> (To Jerry) I hope you think about what you've done here today.. and if you want to call and apologize, you know where to reach me. (Goes to leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Ray. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> (Stops) Yes? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle! <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) (Pendant publishing) <b> </b> (Elaine and Rava are waiting for an elevator) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nervous? <b> </b><b> RAVA </b> Why should I be? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Right. <b> </b><b> RAVA </b> Your notes are very insightful. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The book is great. Did you go out last night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAVA </b> No. We made love on the floor like two animals. Ray is insatiable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They all are.. <b> </b><b> RAVA </b> Was Jerry? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't remember.. <b> </b> (Doors open. They step in) <b> </b><b> RAVA </b> You know, Ray is very upset over these accusations. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, well, I'm staying out of this one. This is between them. I am not getting involved. <b> </b><b> </b> (The doors close. Scene cuts to moments later, on another floor. The doors open) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAVA </b> (Annoyed) So you think he stole it?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you have to admit.. the circumstantial evidence. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAVA </b> I admit nothing! <b> </b> (The doors close. Scene cuts to the inside of the elevator) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Will you put that cigarette out, please? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Rava ignores him) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I mean, he was in the apartment, and then it's gon and it's in your apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAVA </b> Maybe you think we're in cahoots. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no.. but it is quite a coincidence. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAVA </b> Yes, that's all, a coincidence! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A big coincidence. <b> </b><b> RAVA </b> Not a big coincidence. A coincidence! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, that's a big coincidence. <b> </b><b> RAVA </b> That's what a coincidence is! There are no small coincidences and big coincidences! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, there are degrees of coincidences. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAVA </b> No, there are only coincidences! ..Ask anyone! (Enraged, she asks everone in the elevator) Are there big coincidences and small coincidences, or just coincidences? (Silent) ..Well?! Well?!.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Everyone just kinda shrugs, then murmurs. The doors open) <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Will you put that cigarette out?! <b> </b><b> RAVA </b> (Pointing the lit end at him) Maybe I put it out on your face! (To Elaine) It's just like Ray said - you and Jerry are jealous of our love. You're trying to destroy us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The doors close. Scene cuts to another floor. The elevator is empty except for Elaine. There's a janitor's cart parked right outside the doors. She steps out, then throws the manuscript into the garbage can of the cart, and exits) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (On the phone) Ma, will you stop?.. It's just a statue! How is it my fault?! ..It was stolen. I didn't even touch it this time.. Okay, fine. I don't se why this should affect to potatoes! Okay. Goodbye. (Hangs up) She doesn't react to disappointement very well.. unlike me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm not happy about this. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why don't we just throw a Molotov cocktail through their window? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There's just no justice. This experience has changed me. It's made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Casually) Sure. Why not? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, how do you think I feel? Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent, I am proofreading a food allergy cookbook. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can't you talk to your boss? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I did. He loves Rava.. worse.. he loves Ray, and he doesn't think you're funny at all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm not happy about this. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah.. He'll have my parents! <b> </b> (Scene ends) (Rava and Ray's apartment) <b> </b> (Ray's home alone. There's a knock at the door) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Police! Open up! <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Police? (Opens the door a crack - Kramer barges in like a cop. He's wearing Jerry's grandfather's suit and hat. He forces Ray against the wall - face first) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Freeze, mother! <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Hey.. <b> </b> (Kramer shoves him roughly against the wall) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Shut up. Spread 'em. I said spread 'em! (Looks around) You're in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods.. and uh, uh.. murder. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> Murder?! <b> </b> (Kramer shoves him against the wall) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Shut up! Keep 'em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert! <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> I think you have me confused with somebody else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Afraid he's got the wrong guy) Is your name Ray? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Assured) Yeah, you're the punk I'm looking for. (Grabs the statue from the mantle, and puts it in his bag) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> Hey, hey, are you a cop? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop! Today's your lucky day, junior, 'cause I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> Got you? I don't even know what the hell you're talking about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Good. Good. Let's keep it that way. (Exits) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Kramer guides Jerry, Elaine, and George into the apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, alright. What's the big hubbub, bub? <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer runs to his apartment, then returns with a duffel bag. He places it on the table, and reveals the statue) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, I can't believe it. Oh, you're my hero! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, what did you do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I feel like a huge weight's been lifted off my shoulders. (Giddily) I.. I.. I feel happy! Kramer, I don't know how to thank you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'll think of something.. (Slaps George on the back - sending the statue crashing to the ground) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> People are going to steal from you. You can't stop them. But, everybody has their own little personal security things - things that they think will foil the crooks, you know? In your own mind, right? ..You go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker. Who's gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? I tied a bow. They can't get through that. I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Statue Script

1991-04-18

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE REVENGE </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> Remind me to tell you what we did in Lake George. (laughing) Get <b> </b><b> </b> this...I got it all on video. (laughing) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's it. This is it. I'm done. Through. It's over. I'm gone. <b> </b><b> </b> Finished. Over. I will never work for you again. Look at you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (laughing) You think you're an important man? Is that what you think? You <b> </b><b> </b> are a laughingstock. You are a joke. These people are laughing at <b> </b><b> </b> you. You're nothing! You have no brains, no ability, nothing! (knocking <b> </b><b> </b> object over on desk) I quit! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Boy, I have really had it with Newman. He wakes me up again last <b> </b><b> </b> night at three o'clock in the morning to tell me he's going up onto the <b> </b><b> </b> roof to kill himself. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what'd you say? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I said " Jump." Well, he's been threatening to do this for years. I <b> </b><b> </b> said " Look, if you're gonna kill yourself do it already and stop <b> </b><b> </b> bothering me." At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's his problem? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No job. No women. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He called the right guy. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What am I supposed to tell him? How much there is for him to live <b> </b><b> </b> for? Why should I lie to him? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, I'm leaving. I going to the laundry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why don't you use the machines down in the basement? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fluff and fold. The only way to live. (snapping fingers in tune with <b> </b><b> </b> words) I drop it off. I pick it up. It's a delight. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How 'bout if I put a few things -- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a sec. I don't wanna do -- <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you're going over there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't wanna mix in everything! My guys don't know your guys. You <b> </b><b> </b> can't just lock 'em all in the same machine together. They'll start a <b> </b><b> </b> riot. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Have you ever met my guys? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. I can't say as I have. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. Put 'em on top. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, beautiful. This stuff on top is my friends'. Could I get it done <b> </b><b> </b> in a separate machine? <b> </b><b> VIC </b> I'll have to charge you for another machine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Whatever it costs. In fact, I would prefer it if the machines are <b> </b><b> </b> not even touching each other. Because something could, you know, jump <b> </b><b> </b> across. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Guess what. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did you know I was here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer. Guess what. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I quit my job. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get outta here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I couldn't take it anymore. <b> </b><b> VIC </b> You can have this on Monday. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? Levitan? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I go in to use his private bathroom, everybody uses it, and then I <b> </b><b> </b> get a memo - a memo - telling me to use the men's room in the hall. <b> </b><b> </b> Well, (laughing) we share it with Pace Electronics. It's disgusting! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You and your toilets. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I snapped! It was the last straw. (sighs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, what are you gonna do now? Are you gonna look for something else <b> </b><b> </b> in real estate? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nobody's hiring now. The market's terrible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what are you gonna do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I like sports. I could do something in sports. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could <b> </b><b> </b> be like, an announcer. Like a caller man. You know how I always make <b> </b><b> </b> those interesting comments during the game. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that <b> </b><b> </b> are, you know, in broadcasting. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, that's really not fair. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do ya like? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Movies. I like to watch movies. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do they pay people to watch movies? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Projectionists. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's true. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you gotta know how to work the projector. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And it's probably a union thing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports,...movies. What about a <b> </b><b> </b> talk show host? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Talk show host. That's good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone <b> </b><b> </b> even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you <b> </b><b> </b> start? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's where it gets tricky. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can't just walk into a building and say " I wanna be a talk <b> </b><b> </b> show host." <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I wouldn't think so. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's all politics. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. Okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This could have been a huge mistake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (sighs) What should I do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe you can just go back. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Go back? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Pretend like it never happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You mean just walk into the staff meeting on Monday morning like it <b> </b><b> </b> never happened? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. You're an emotional person. People don't take you seriously. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just..go back. Pretend the whole thing never happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Never happened. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was just blowin' off a little steam. So what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what? You're entitled. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm emotional. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's right. You're emotional. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Never happened. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Never happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How ya doin'? <b> </b><b> GLENDA </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? I work here. <b> </b><b> GLENDA </b> I thought you quit. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What quit? (laughing) Who quit? <b> </b><b> DAN </b> Bill, how was your weekend? <b> </b><b> BILL </b> Oh, excellent weekend. What about your weekend? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DAN </b> Fine weekend. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Good weekend. <b> </b><b> DAN </b> Went up to the Cape. Took the kids sailing. (laughing) Lisa was a <b> </b><b> </b> little scared at first, but that kids' gonna be a good sailor <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> someday. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw, she's gonna be a fine sailor. <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> Ava, what happened to you Friday afternoon? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AVA </b> I got a little tied up. <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> I'll bet you did. <b> </b> (laughter breaks out in boardroom) <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> I wanna remind everyone that the tenth anniversary party for Rick <b> </b><b> </b> Barr Properties is gonna be Wednesday afternoon at four o'clock in <b> </b><b> </b> Lasky's Bar, Madison 48th. I want all of you to be there. This really <b> </b><b> </b> means a lot to me. Is that Costanza over there? What are you doing <b> </b><b> </b> here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> Am I crazy, or didn't you quit? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When? <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> Friday. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, what? What? That? Are you kidding? I didn't quit. What? You <b> </b><b> </b> took that seriously? <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> You mean, laughingstock? All that stuff? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on. Will you stop it. <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> No brains? No ability? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Teasing. <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> Okay. I want you outta here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know where you're getting this from. I....you're serious <b> </b><b> </b> aren't you? Oh, (laughing) you see? <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> You can't win. You can't beat me. That's why I'm here and you're <b> </b><b> </b> there. Because I'm a winner. I'll always be a winner and you'll <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> always be a loser. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> " I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser." This is <b> </b><b> </b> what he said to me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, so that's that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. That's not that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's not that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, if that's not that, what is that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've got some plans. I got plans. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What kind of plans? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's the difference? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't wanna tell me? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm gonna slip him a mickey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? In his drink? Are you outta your mind? What? Are you Peter <b> </b><b> </b> Lorre? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't understand. He's got this big party coming up. He's been <b> </b><b> </b> looking forward to this for months. This is gonna destroy the whole <b> </b><b> </b> thing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What if you destroy him? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. No. No. No. No. Don't worry. It's perfectly safe. I researched <b> </b><b> </b> it. He'll get a little woozy. He might keel over. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, wha - what does that do? Big deal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is what they would do in the movies! It's a beautiful thing! <b> </b><b> </b> It's like a movie! I'm gonna slip him a mickey! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You've really gone mental. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where are you gonna get this mickey? I can't believe I'm saying <b> </b><b> </b> "mickey"! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got a sauce. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got a mickey sauce? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And Elaine is gonna keep him busy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine? How did you rope her into this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I told her what a sexist he is. How he cheats on his wife. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She knew that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But she didn't know he doesn't recycle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is the point of all this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Revenge. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, the best revenge is living well. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There's no chance of that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you get your laundry? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's with you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He jumped. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Newman jumped. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did he call you last night? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you say? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I said " Wave to me when you pass my window." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Whew. Did he wave? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No! He jumped from the second floor. Mr. Papanickolous saw him from <b> </b><b> </b> across the street. He's lying out there faking. See, he's trying to <b> </b><b> </b> get back at me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, my god! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's the matter? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, on Thursday when I came home I had $1500 on me. For some <b> </b><b> </b> reason I decided to hide it in my laundry bag and then I completely <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> forgot about it...and then I took the laundry in on Friday! Oh, come on, <b> </b><b> </b> let's go. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Where? Where? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> To the Laundromat. <b> </b><b> VIC </b> I never saw it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay. Come on. Give the guy his money. What -- what are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> VIC </b> Hey, you see that sign right there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I see. So, you put up a sign so you can do whatever you want? <b> </b><b> </b><b> VIC </b> I'm not responsible. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, anybody leaves anything here, you can just take it? You have a <b> </b><b> </b> license to steal? You are like the James Bond of laundry? <b> </b><b> VIC </b> You ever hear of a bank? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on. Let's go. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. You can't let him get away with this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Which one is he? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's him over there. The one that looks like a blowfish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah. I see him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Hey, thanks for doing this. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why pass up the opportunity to go to prison? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is by far the most exciting thing I've ever done. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. It is kind of cool. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> First time in my life I've ever gotten back at someone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe we're doing this. This is the kind of thing they do <b> </b><b> </b> in the movies. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's exactly what I told Jerry! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! <b> </b> (both laughing) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> God, I've never felt so alive! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe we should call this off. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on. What's the big deal? Just gonna put a little concrete in <b> </b><b> </b> the washing machine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And what's gonna happen? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it'll gonna mix up with the water, and then by the end of the <b> </b><b> </b> cycle it'll be a solid block! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile. You're like <b> </b><b> </b> Lex Luthor. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You keep him busy. <b> </b> (Kramer, holding heavy bag of concrete in arms, stumbles to machine, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> knocking chairs around) <b> </b> (Kramer plops concrete down onto washing machine) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whoa! <b> </b> (lifting bag into the air, Kramer, thrown off balance, stumbles backwards <b> </b><b> </b> and slams into dryer) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You go over there - <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You start flirting with him and I'll come by and, while you're <b> </b><b> </b> keeping him busy, I'll slip it in his drink. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wouldn't it be easier just to punch him in the mouth? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> Come on! They're terrible. They got no infield. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oops! 'Scuse me. <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GREENY </b> I'm gonna get some food. You want some? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> Nah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sneezes) <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> God bless you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much. (blowing nose) Really. I mean <b> </b><b> </b> that. I am not one of those people who give insincere thank you's. No <b> </b><b> </b> sir. No sir. When I thank someone I really thank them. So, thank... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> yoooou! <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> You're welcome. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> People don't say " God bless you " as much as they used to. Have <b> </b><b> </b> you noticed that? <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, I'm going to a nudist colony next week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> Nudist colony? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love nudist colonies. They help me..unwind. Aah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> (laughing) I'd never been to a nudist colony. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, really? Oh, you should go. They're great. They're great. Of <b> </b><b> </b> course, when it's over, it's - it's hard to get used to all this <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> clothing, you know. So, a lot of times, I'll just lock the door to my <b> </b><b> </b> office and I'll just sit there naked. <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> Seriously? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah. I usually work naked a...couple hours a day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (whispering) Glenda, can I ask you a favor? Can I have this seat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GLENDA </b> What do you have to sit here for? There are plenty of other seats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (whispering) I can't explain. It's very important that I sit here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GLENDA </b> What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were fired. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (whispering) Okay. Okay. Fine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I cook naked, I clean....I clean naked, I drive naked. Naked. <b> </b><b> </b> Naked. Naked. <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> Who are you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, you don't wanna know, mistah. I'm trouble. Big trouble. <b> </b><b> </b> (lid on machine slams shut after Kramer opens it, forcing him to pour <b> </b><b> </b> concrete all over machine) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about the gentle cycle? You ever use that? <b> </b><b> </b> (opening lid, Kramer begins to contort &amp; flail arms about as a cloud of <b> </b><b> </b> concrete covers his face) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle <b> </b><b> </b> cycle? <b> </b> (Kramer emptying bag into machine) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about fine fabrics? How do you deal with that kind of <b> </b><b> </b> temperament? <b> </b> (finished with machine, Kramer walks to corner of room with half-full bag &amp; <b> </b><b> </b> drops it on the floor) <b> </b> (Kramer giving "OK" sign) <b> </b> (Kramer starting machine &amp; trying to brush the mounds of concrete off of <b> </b><b> </b> the machine) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about stone washing? You ever witness one of those? That must <b> </b><b> </b> be something. <b> </b> What? Do they just pummel the jeans with rocks? <b> </b> (Kramer walks over to where Jerry is standing, his entire body covered with <b> </b><b> </b> dry concrete) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I didn't realize it was a full box. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm gonna count to three. If you don't give up the chair, the wig <b> </b><b> </b> is coming off. <b> </b><b> GLENDA </b> I don't' wear a wig. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> One... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. No. No. No. No. I don't really have a phone. In fact, I - I <b> </b><b> </b> really don't have an apartment. I kinda sleep around. <b> </b> (Levitan &amp; Elaine laughing) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I just like to have and few drinks and just let the guy do whatever <b> </b><b> </b> he wants. Would you close your eyes for a second? I wanna tell you a <b> </b><b> </b> secret about my bra. <b> </b> (George empties contents of tiny bottle into Levitan's drink) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine &amp; Levitan laughing) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello, Rick. <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> Heh heh heh hey! Look who's here! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's right, Ricky Boy, it's me! <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> You know something, Costanza? I'm a very lucky man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh! <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> I've always been lucky. Things just seem to fall right in my lap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Boom! <b> </b> (all laughing) <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> You wouldn't believe it if I told you. In fact, uh, I'm glad <b> </b><b> </b> you're here. You know, maybe I've been a little rough on ya, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> Why should we let petty, personal differences get in the way of <b> </b><b> </b> business? I, uh, I want <b> </b> you to come back. You can use my bathroom anytime you want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You want me to come back? Uh... <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> Hey! How about a toast, huh? Everybody, a toast! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Rick. <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> Everyone, I wanna propose a toast to ten great years at Rick Barr <b> </b><b> </b> Properties. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, Rick.. <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> And all the people in this room, (clears throat) that made that <b> </b><b> </b> possible.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Rick. <b> </b><b> LEVITAN </b> I'd also like to welcome back into the fold our..our little <b> </b><b> </b> shrimpy friend, George Costanza who, although he didn't really have a <b> </b><b> </b> very good year -- how you blew that McConnell deal, I'll never know. But, <b> </b><b> </b> hey, what the hell, huh? We've always enjoyed his antics around the <b> </b><b> </b> office. Heh heh. Anything you wanna add to this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Drink up. I like history. Civil War. Maybe I could be a professor, <b> </b><b> </b> or something. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, to teach something you really have to know a lot about it. I <b> </b><b> </b> think you need a degree. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. That's true. What? My God, the money! The 1500! Where'd you <b> </b><b> </b> find it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It was in my laundry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In your laundry the whole time? I told you not to mix in our guys. <b> </b><b> </b> What did we figure the damage on that machine would be? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It was about 1200 bucks. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh! That's Newman. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I'm on the roof! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, what are you waiting for? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, come on, take a walk with me down to the Laundromat. I gotta <b> </b><b> </b> pay this guy the money.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I like horses. Maybe I could be a stable boy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You wanna shoot some pool tonight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I can't. I'm goin' to the movies. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nah. It's probably a union thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Revenge Script

1991-04-25

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE HEART ATTACK </b> Written by Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I tell ya, I gotta say that I'm enjoying adulthood. For a lot of reasons. And, I'll tell you reason number one: as an adult, if I want a cookie, I have <b> </b><b> </b> a cookie, okay? I have three cookies or four cookies, or eleven cookies if I want. Many times I will intentionally ruin my entire appetite. Just ruin it. And then, I call <b> </b><b> </b> my mother up right after to tell her that I did it. "Hello, Mom? yeah, I just ruined my entire appetite.. cookies." So what if you ruin.. See, because as an adult, we <b> </b><b> </b> understand even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite coming right behind it. There's no danger in running out of appetites. I've got millions of them, I'll ruin <b> </b><b> </b> them whenever I want! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry's sitting on his couch in the dark, watching TV) <b> </b><b> TV VOICE </b> (Germanic) Look, Sigmund. Look in the sky. The planets are on fire. It is just as you prophesied. The planets of our solar system, incinerating. Like <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> flaming globes, Sigmund. Like flaming globes.. Ah, ha, ha, ha.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's now asleep) <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's bedroom) <b> </b> (Jerry's laying in his bed. He wakes suddenly, picks up a pen and scribbles something down on a pad. He laughs, shakes his head, then goes back to sleep, laughing <b> </b><b> </b> to himself) <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Coffee shop) <b> </b> (Jerry looks tired. He's staring at a crumpled piece of note paper. George takes out a cucumber from a bag in his pocket) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you got, a cucumber? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, so what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're bringing in an ouside cucumber? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They refuse to put cucumber in the salad. I need cucumber. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Trying to read the note) What have I done? I can't read this! Ful-hel-mo-nen-ter-val? I got up last night, I wrote this down, I thought I had this great bit. <b> </b><b> </b> (Tries to focus on the paper) Wait a second, wait a second.. "Fax me some halibut." Is that funny? Is that a joke? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. Let me see that. (Takes the paper from Jerry) Don't-mess-with-Johnny." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Johnny? Johnny who? Johnny Carson? Did I insult Johnny on The Tonight Show? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Joking) Did you mess with Johnny, Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me see that. (Studies the note) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, where's Kramer? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. That's like asking "Where's Waldo?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Still holding the note) I think I'm having a heart attack. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think that's it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not kidding. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What does that mean? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think what he's trying to say is that he's having a heart attack. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, he's having a heart attack. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tightness.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Shortness of breath.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, this is ridiculous. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Radiating waves of pain.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know what this is. You saw that show on PBS last night, Coronary Country. (To Elaine) I saw it in the TV Guide. I called him and told him to make sure <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and not watch it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There was nothing else on. Oh, the left arm.. the left arm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Elaine) He saw that show on anorexia last year, and ate like an animal for two weeks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what do you want? You want me take you to the hospital? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Manhattan Memorial, less of a line. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll call an ambulance. (Exits) <b> </b> (A waitress approaches. George is dying, but the waitress doesn't seem to notice) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Is everything alright? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We'll just take a check. (She leaves the check. George, in all his cheapness, can't help but to review the check. He finds an error) You made a mistake <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> on the.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Hospital room) <b> </b> (George lies in the bed. He has EKG cups on his chest, a tube up his nose, and an IV in his arm. The man in the neighboring bed seems to be in pain) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Ooohhh... Argghhh.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are.. are you okay? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Ooooooohhh.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm George.. George Costanza.. I've never been in the hospital a day in my life.. except when I had my tonsils out. You know, they never gave me any <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ice cream. I always felt that- <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Shut up! <b> </b> (Scene goes to Jerry. He's standing at the doorway, showing the note to a nurse) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well? What do you think? <b> </b><b> NURSE 1 </b> "Salami, salami, bologna." Definitely. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Salami salami bologna"? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> (In a hurry) Oh, your friend's fine. He didn't have a heart attack. I'll be in - in a few minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) What a surprise. (Enters George's room overly sympathetic - leading George to think that the Doctor told Jerry something significant) Hey, how <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ya doin' buddy? You need anything? Do you want me to go out and get you a Superman comic? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no thanks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Still going along with the practical joke) You know, I was wondering.. You know that Black Hawks jacket you have? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, sure, my Black Hawks jacket. I love my Black Hawks jacket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you know, I was thinking - if things don't exactly work out.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it wouldn't fit you. The sleeves are too short. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I tried it on. It fits good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I didn't really think about what I was gonna do with all.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you know.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Reluctantly) Well, okay. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, and.. do you think it would be alright if I called Susan Davis? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Susan Davis? (Getting possessive) Hey, wait a second.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's not like we'd be bumping into you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know.. you and Susan Davis? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, if your future was a little more certain.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, go ahead. Call her, get married, have babies, have a great life.. What do I care? I'm finished. (Really depressed) It's all over for me. In fact, let's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow and put it over my face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, ah.. (Takes his pillow) What? Kind of like this? (Violently smothers George with the pillow. George freaks out. He didn't think Jerry would actually <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> do it) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are ya doing?! Whadya, crazy?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters - she gets a clear shot of Jerry's jokingly trying to kill George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Acts like he was cought red-handed) Elaine, what are you doing here? (Takes the pillow off George, and puts it back on his bed) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Jerry) Jerk off. <b> </b> (Jerry goes over to Elaine) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Whispering) There's nothing wrong with him. I saw the doctor. He's fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (They both go to George's bed. Elaine decides to go along with Jerry's joke) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, George. How ya feeling? Is anybody getting your apartment? <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine both sit down, and have their own conversation. They completely ignore George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll tell ya, if I ever get out of here, I'm gonna change my life. I'm gonna do a whole Zen thing. Take up yoga, meditate.. I'll eat right. Calm down, lose my <b> </b><b> </b> anger.. (Sees Jerry and Elaine aren't listening. He snaps) Hey, is anybody listening?! <b> </b><b> </b> (The doctor enters. Elaine and the doctor exchange an awkward, romantic glance) <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> (To Elaine) Uh, hello. (To George) Uh, Mr. Costanza? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Panicky) Uh, yeah. You know, Doctor, I gotta tell you, I feel a lot better. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Well, we looked at your EKG's, ran some tests, did a complete work-up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Getting in a more panicked state) Oh God, Mommy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> And you simply haven't had a heart attack. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Relieved) I haven't? I'm okay? I'm okay? Oh, thank you, thank you, Doctor! I don't know how to thank you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) Hey, that was really fun, George. Can we go home now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> No, actually, we'd like to keep him here overnight for observation, just to be safe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, sure. Sure, anything. Can you believe it? There's nothing wrong with me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Well, I wouldn't go that far. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Starting to panic again) What? Oh my God. What? Is it meningitis? Scoliosis? Lupis?! Is it Lupis?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Have you ever had your tonsils taken out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My tonsils? Yeah, when I was a kid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Well, they've grown back. Your adenoids are swollen too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Jokingly hits the doctor) Whose tonsils grow back? (Laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> It happens. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma rays. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I still have my tonsils. Everyone in my family has their tonsils. In fact, we were forbidden to socialize with anyone who didn't have their tonsils. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> That's interesting. Because, no one in my family has their tonsils, and we were forbidden to socialize with tonsil people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastically) Well, it's like the Capulets and the Montagues. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Drawing attention back to him) Excuse me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Anyway, I strongly recommend they come out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? You mean with a knife? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Yes. With a knife. You know, snip, snip. Anyway, you'd be completely under, you wouldn't feel a thing. And when you wake up, you can have some ice <b> </b><b> </b> cream. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Angry) Yeah, that's what they told me the last time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Think about it. (Turns to leave, but runs into Elaine) Excuse me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Flustered) Oh, I'm sorry. (Doctor exits) I just.. have to ask that doctor one more question. (Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body.. we just want the body. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters, eating off a tray of hospital food) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Boy, they got a great cafeteria downstairs. Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar.. It's like a Sizzler's opened up a hospital! (Sits and starts eating) So, how <b> </b><b> </b> did you have a heart attack? You're a young man. What were you doing? Are they gonna do a zipper job? Oh, they love to do zipper jobs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Trying to shut him up) Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The really bad thing about the heart is the sex thing. See, you gotta be careful about sex now. You get that heart pumping and suddenly, boom! Next <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> thing you know, you got a hose coming out of your chest attached to a piece of luggage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, George didn't have a heart attack. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No? That's good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have to have my tonsils taken out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh man.. No.. George, we gotta get you outta here. Get out! Right now! They'll kill ya in here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Trying to calm George down) It's routine surgery. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah? My friend, Bob Saccomanno, he came in here for a hernia operation.. Oh yeah, routine surgery.. now he's sittin' around in a chair by a <b> </b><b> </b> window going, "My name is Bob" .. George, whatever you do, don't let 'em cut you. Don't let 'em cut you.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, what should I do, Kramer? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, for one think, don't listen to him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll tell you what to do, I'll tell you what to do. You go to Tor Eckman. Tor, Tor, he'll fix you right up. He's a herbalist, a healer, George. He's not just <b> </b><b> </b> gonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids, he is gonna change the whole way you function - body and mind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Eckman? I thought he was doing time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, he's out. He got out. See, the medical establishment, see, they tried to frame him. It's all politics. But he's a rebel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A rebel? No. Johnny Yuma was a rebel. Eckman is a nut. George, you want to take care of your tonsils, you do it in a hospital. With a doctor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's holistic, George. He's holistic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Holistic.. that sounds right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, you need a medical doctor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Jerry) Let me ask you something.. How much do you think it would cost to have tonsils and adenoids removed in the hospital? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, an overnight stay in a hospital? Minor surgery? I dunno, four grand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh-huh. And how much does the healer charge? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> First visit? Thirty-eight bucks. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yeah? Holistic.. that's what I need. That's the answer. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Healer's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry and George are sitting on huge pillows on the apartment floor. Kramers fiddling with an acupuncture model) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, how do you like the way I talked you into comin' down here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't flatter yourself, my friend. I'm here strictly for material, and I have a feeling this is a potential gold mine.. I still think you're nuts, though. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All I know is I've been going to doctors all my life. What has it gotten me? I'm thirty-three years old. I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever. You could do your taxes <b> </b><b> </b> in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I've never had a normal, medium orgasm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Jokingly making fun of George) I've never had a really good pickle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Besides, what's it gonna cost me? Thirty-eight bucks? <b> </b><b> </b> (Tor enters. He hugs Kramer for a long time, then walks over to Jerry and George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOR </b> (To Jerry) Would you not put your foot on that please? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sorry. <b> </b> (Tor sits down, and turns tward George) <b> </b><b> TOR </b> What month were you born? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> April. <b> </b><b> TOR </b> You should have been born in August. Your parents would have been well-advised to wait. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> TOR </b> Do you use hot water in the shower? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> TOR </b> Stop using it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ..Okay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm off hot water. <b> </b><b> TOR </b> Kramer tells me that you are interested in an alternative to surgery. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, yes I am. <b> </b><b> TOR </b> (Blows into George's face) I think we can help you. See, unfortunately, the medical establishment is a business like any other business. And business needs <b> </b><b> </b> customers. And, they want to sell you their most expensive item which is unnecessary surgery. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Still on the showers) Can I use hot water on my face? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOR </b> No. You know, I am not a business man. I'm a holistic healer. It's a calling, it's a gift. You see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain <b> </b><b> </b> sick. You see, that insures good business. You're not a patient. You're a customer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (He thinks this, the audience can hear his thoughts) And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Still on the hot water) What about shaving? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOR </b> (To Jerry) You're eating too much dairy. (To George) May I? (Reaches over, and touches George's face) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I guess so. <b> </b><b> TOR </b> (Feeling George's face) You see, you are in disharmony. The throat is the gateway to the lung. Tonsillitis, adenoiditis, is, in Chinese medical terms, and invasion <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> of heat and wind. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Again, we hear his thoughts) There's some hot air blowing in here.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOR </b> You know, I lived with the Eskimos many years ago, and they used to plunge their faces into the snow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Once again, still on the shower) Could it be lukewarm? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Too much dairy? You really think I'm eating too much dairy? <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Doctor's car) <b> </b> (The Doctor and Elaine are almost done with their date. the doctor is speaking seductively to Elaine while holding out her tongue) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> ..The tongue.. yes, the tongue.. or, in medical terms, the glossa. It's a muscular organ.. Consists of two parts.. the body, and the root.. You see, it's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> covered by this mucous membrane.. These little raised projections are the papillae, which give it that furry appearance. Very tactile.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The Doctor is still holding her tongue) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Healer's apartment) <b> </b><b> TOR </b> (Pouring tea) Your tea is ready now. This will solve your so-called tonsil problem. It's a special concoction. It contains crampbark. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I love crampbark. <b> </b><b> TOR </b> Cleavers. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOR </b> And some couchgrass. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Tor hands George the tea. George isn't willing to drink it right away. Jerry looks skeptical, Kramer, on the other hand, is enthusiastic) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Go ahead, drink it, George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me, Tor. May I ask you a question? You have intuitive abilities. You're in touch with a lot of this cosmic kind of things.. I have this note I can't read. <b> </b><b> </b> I was wondering if- <b> </b><b> TOR </b> (Takes the note, then laughs when he reads it) Oh, yes.. yes.. "Cleveland 117, San Antonio 109.. (Hands note back to Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Go ahead, drink it, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Takes a sip) Hey, it's not too bad.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Ambulance) <b> </b> (George's strapped down on a gurney. His face is purple, and he's screaming. Jerry and Kramer are trying to calm him down. The driver and the assistant in the <b> </b><b> </b> back are having a huge fight) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (In a state of hysteria) I'm an eggplant! I'm an eggplant! I'm a minstrel man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> (To Assistant) I didn't take your Chuckle, man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ASSISTANT </b> I had five Chuckles. I ate a green one, and the yellow one, and the red one is missing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> I don't even like Chuckles! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Assistant) Maybe he doesn't like them. That's possible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My face! My face! Get me to the hospital! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ASSISTANT </b> I want that Chuckle! You hear me?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Assistant) I'll get you a Chuckle. You want me to get you a Chuckle? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ASSISTANT </b> (Angry, to Driver) Pull over! <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Pull over? Did you say pull over?! You want a piece of me?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ASSISTANT </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're gonna fight? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now?! I'm a mutant! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To Driver) Hey, let me drive. <b> </b><b> ASSISTANT </b> Come on, man. Pull over! <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Alright! I'm gonna mess you up, man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ambulance comes to a screeching halt. Driver gets out, and the assistant heads for the back door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pleading) Really, gentlemen, please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My heart! My heart! (To Assistant) Where you going? Are you crazy?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ASSISTANT </b> I'm gonna kick his ass. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To Assistant) Hey, you have keys? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can't leave! This is an ambulance! This is an emergency! <b> </b><b> </b> (The Assistant leaves. Jerry, Kramer, and George watch the two fight) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All this for a Chuckle. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's a Chuckle? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a jelly candy. it comes in five flavors. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Doctor's car) <b> </b> (He's still holding Elaine's tongue) <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> You see, taste buds run on grooves along the surfaces. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can you let go of my tongue now? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Let go of my tongue! <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> (Lets go) Oh, sorry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I should get going.. (The Doctor leans in for a kiss. Elaine stops him) What are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> I was going to kiss you good night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A kiss? With the tongue? The glossa with the bumps and the papillae? ..Yech, I don't think so. (Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Ambulance) <b> </b> (It's now moving. The driver's behind the wheel, but the assistant is nowhere in sight) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You just can't leave him out there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> I told him I was gonna mess him up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, can you call him an ambulance? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> I told him I didn't take his Chuckle. I don't eat that gooey crap! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> hey, watch the road! Watch the road, man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> (Turns back, facing Kramer) Hey, man, you want some of what he got?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY AND KRAMER </b> Watch out! <b> </b> (The Ambulance crashes into something) <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Hospital room) <b> </b> (George is in the bed, watching TV, wearing a neck brace. Jerry enters limping and wearing a neck brace, also. He talks to George, but George can't respond <b> </b><b> </b> verbally) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How ya doing? (George nods) Can't talk? (George shakes his head. Jerry gestures to his brace) Hey, how'd you get the plastic one? (George raises his <b> </b><b> </b> eyebrows) I like that. (George sticks his tongue out) So how's life without tonsils? (George quickly indicates with his arm that he wants ice cream) What? What's <b> </b><b> </b> that? ..So, how much is this thing gonna cost you now? Like, five, six thousand?.. (George signals that it's more) Well, live and learn.. at least we lived. Kramer went <b> </b><b> </b> to Eckman.. He feels better alreadyy.. (George motions for ice cream again) What are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, poor George. Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't stay long. I don't want to run into Doctor Tongue.. Here, I brought you something. (Takes out a pint of ice <b> </b><b> </b> cream. George gets excited) Oh, please, come on.. it was nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Nurse enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, check the TV. <b> </b> (The TV is showing the same exact movie Jerry was watching at the start of the show) <b> </b><b> </b><b> TV VOICE </b> (Germanic) It's just as you prophesied. The planets of our solar system, incinerating. Like flaming globes, Sigmond. Like flaming globes. Ah, ha, ha, ha.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pulls the note out of his pocket) That's it! That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmond! Flaming Globes of Sigmond! That's my note! tha'ts what I thought was so <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> funny?! ..That's not funny.. There's nothing funny about that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George throws the whole carton of ice cream over the separating curtan) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Aaahhhgggg! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have a friend who's a hypochondriac, always thinks he's sick - never is. And they, you have another type of person, always thinks they're well, not matter <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> how bad they really are. You know this type of person? Very annoying. "Feel great.. like being on the respirator.. intravenous heart/lung machine. I never felt better <b> </b><b> </b> in my life." Medical science is making advances every day in control health problems. In fact, it's probably only a matter of time before a heart attack, you know, <b> </b><b> </b> becomes like, a head ache. We'll just see people on TV going, "I had a heart attack this big (Holds out hands, gesturing bigness) ..but, I gave myself one of these. <b> </b><b> </b> Clear! (Puts imaginary electrode panels to his chest) Brrhht.. and it's gone!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Heart Attack Script

1991-05-02

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE DEAL </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've been watching women in the department stores. They're trying on clothes, and I've noticed that they do it differently from men. Women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes, you see? They take a dress off the rack, and they hold it up against themself. They can tell something from this. They stick one leg way out 'cause they nedd to know, if some day I'm one-legged, and at a fourty-five degree angle, what am I gonna wear? You never see a man do that. You never see a guy take a suit off the rack, put his head in the neck, and go, "What do you think about this suit? I think I'll get it. Yeah, it looks fine. Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants, I wanna make sure. Yeah, perfect. And what if I'm walking? Move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? All right, all right. What's the matter with that? What about that one? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Robert Vaughn, The Helsinki Formula? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He was good in Man From Uncle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Guess whose birthday's comin' up soon? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, I'm having my root canal the same week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, right. I hope you have a good oral surgeon because that can be very serious. (Changes channel) Hey, look at naked people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't wanna see the naked people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Been a while? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think my last time was in Rochester. My hair was a lot shorter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I remember that it's a good thing. Someday, I hope to do it again. (Jerry looks at Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What was that look? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What look? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The look you just gave me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I gave a look? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What kind of look? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know that look. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then what was it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why should I tell you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you're the big look expert. I wanna see how smart you are. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Trust me. I know the look. (Pause) So... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about the look? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You got something on your mind? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. Things pop into your head. You? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Things occur to me from time to time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, me too. Well, you can't expect to just forget the past completely. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, of course not. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, it was something we did. Probably about, what? Twenty-five times? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thirty-seven. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, we pretty much know what we're doin' in there. (Points to bedroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We know the terrain. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No big surprises. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nope. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. What do you think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's something to consider. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, let's say we did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What if. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that like the end of the world or something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Certainly not. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. (Points to the bedroom) We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's almost stupid if we didn't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's moronic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Absurd! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We, there are always a few. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Devastating. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because this is very good. (Points back and forth between them to indicate friendship) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And that would be good. (Points to bedroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and the that. But this cannot be disturbed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, we just wanna take this and add that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and vice versa. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. No call the day after that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Beautiful. Let's make it a rule. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, sir. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now here's another little rule. When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, okay. Spending the night is optional! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well now we're gettin' somewhere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about the kiss goodnight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tough one. You're call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's brug-wa (?). <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fine. Well. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You ready? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ready. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So think you can handle this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Definitely. (Runs into bookshelf) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Got the paper? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not yet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No paper? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I haven't been out yet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, what's taking you so long? (Elaine enters from the bedroom. Kramer is a little shocked) Uh? Oh, well, yeah... (He exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on land, or was he just restricted to water? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I think I saw him on land a couple times. So how's the job situation goin'? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you'd like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, this is huge! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, okay. Let's go, details. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I can't do details. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You wha? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't give details. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No details? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not in the mood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, okay. We're in the apartment watching TV. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where are you sitting? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> On the couch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Next to each other? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, separated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> About eleven. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, go ahead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So she's flipping around the TV, and she gets to the naked station. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face. All right, all right. So you're watching the naked station. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And then, somehow, we started talking about, what if we had sex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Boy, these are really bad details. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It pains me to say this, but I may be getting to mature for details. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh I hate to hear this. That kind of growth really irritates me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well. I'll tell you though. It was really passionate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Better than before? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She must've taken some kind of seminar or something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is all too much. So what are you feeling? What's going on? Are you like a couple again now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not exactly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not exactly. What does that mean? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be able to do this once in a while and still be friends. (George laughs hysterically and stands oiut of his seat) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible. It can't be done. <b> </b> (He sits back down) Thousands of years people have been trying to have their cake and eat it too. So all of a sudden the two of you are going to come along and do it. Where do you get the ego? No one can do it. It can't be done. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think we've worked out a system. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, you know what you're like? You're like a pathetic gambler. You're one of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, this is very advanced. We've designed at set of rules that we can maintain the friendship by advancing all of the relationship pitfalls. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sure, all right. Tell me the rules. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. No calls the next day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To himself) So you're havin' the sex, next day you don't have to call. That's pretty good. (Back to Jerry) Go ahead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You ready for the second one? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have tell you, I'm pretty impressed with the first one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Spending the night. Optional. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, you see? You got greedy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, that's the rule. It's optional. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know less about women than anyone in the world. But one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. I could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little army cot this wide (Displays with French fry) You're not going anywhere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think you're wrong. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I hope I am. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is this yours or the roommate's? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The roommate's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Would she mind? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She keeps track of everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm takin' it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, guess I'll get going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I have that root canal tomorrow morning. It'll be easier if I go home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Fine, go away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't understand. Is there a problem? (Elaine is pulling a roll of paper towels about twenty feet long) I'm getting the impression there's a problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm having surgery tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, surgery. You're going to the dentist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you said, it can be very serious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, so fine. Go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened to the rules? Remember? Sleeping over was optional. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, it's my house, it's my option. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It has nothing to do with whose house it is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, of course it does. (Elaine's roommate, Tina, enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TINA </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE + JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TINA </b> Hi, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TINA </b> Such a great improv class tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh really? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TINA </b> I had this improv where I pretended I was working in one of those booths. You know, in the amusement park, where you have to shoot the water in the clown's mouth and you have to blow up the balloon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, Tina? Could you excuse us for just one second? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TINA </b> Oh, yeah. I'll excuse you. (She walks away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't go if you're mad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm not mad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You seemed a little mad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no. Jerry, I'm fine really. It's okay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're okay with everything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Definitely. Are you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Definitely. Well, goodnight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Goodn-- (He starts to kiss her) What're you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Rules. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TINA </b> Hey, who took my cake? (Jerry exits quickly) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about jewelry? That's very nice gift. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no. I have to be very careful here. I don't want to send the wrong message. Especially after the other night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe I'll get her some jewelry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no. You can't get her anything better than me. Whatever I spend, you have to spend half. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What am I supposed to get, a bazooka? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't understand. I'm in a very delicate position. Whatever I give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What does she need? Maybe there's something that she needs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think I heard her say something about a bench. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A bench? What kind of a bench? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, but she mentioned a bench. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, like at a bus stop? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Like a park bench? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have no idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who puts a bench in their house? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Forget the bench. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got it. You wanna get her something nice? How 'bout a music box? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, too relationshippy. She opens it up, she hears that Laura's theme, I'm dead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, what about a nice frame? With a picture of another guy in it. Frame says I care for you, but if you wanna get serious, perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nice looking fellow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about candle holders? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Too romantic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lingerie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Too sexual. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Waffle maker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Too domestic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bust of Nelson Rockefeller. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Too Gubernatorial. (?) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let's work on the card. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe you won't like it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, how could I not like it? Of course I'll like it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You could not like it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just the fact that you remembered means everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course I remembered. You reminded me everyday for two months. Oh, the card. (She opens) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Cash? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Would do you think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You got me cash? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well this way I figure you can go out and get yourself whatever you want. No good? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who are you, my uncle? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well come on. That's $182 right there. I don't think that's anything to sneeze at. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Let me see the card. (Reading) To a wonderful girl, a great pal, and more? (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. Oh, Elaine. I'm glad you're here. Stay right there. I'm gonna be right back. (He exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Pal? You think I'm your pal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I said, "and more." <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am not your pal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's wrong with pal? Why is everyone so down on pal? (Kramer enters with present) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, what is this? You got me something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Open it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh Kramer... (She opens it) The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted! (Jerry looks irritated) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's pretty good, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Great. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Remember when we were standing there and she mentioned it? I made a mental note of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well goody for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, I'm very sensitive about that. I mean, when someone's birthday comes up, I keep my ears open. So what'd you get her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 182 bucks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Cash? You gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would get her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Reading card) Think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was I had such a friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To Jerry) Yates. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh Kramer. (They embrace) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Could you excuse us please? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're talking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, the relationship. (He leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, we never had one fight before this deal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Never. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ever. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We got along beautifully. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Like clams. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was wonderful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A pleasure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I think we should just forget the whole deal, and go back to being friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mean it's... (She nods) No this. No that. No this or that. Oh, boy. What do you want? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This, that, and the other. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, sure. Of course, you're entitled. Who doesn't want this, that, and the other? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Starts to correct then realizes) Well... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Those birthdays. I told you. They're relationship killers. If a relationship is having any problems whatsoever, a birthday will always bring it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I never should have made up those rules. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is it the touching? Is it the nudity? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It can't be the nudity. I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what this means? I can't see her anymore either. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's break up by association. Besides, she's mad at me anyway because of my birthday present. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you end up giving her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 91 dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sorry about that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what're you gonna do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, if I call her, there's no joking around anymore. This is pretty much it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, maybe this should be it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Could be it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She seems like an it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's at it as you get. Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. And she tells me he's a sculptor, they live in Vermont... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We'd have to kill him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'd get caught, I'd get the chair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'd go to prison as your accomplice. I'd have to wear that really heavy denim. Go to the cafeteria line with the guy who slops those mashed potatoes onto your plate. Go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Plus, you know what else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You better call her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got the paper yet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well where is it? (Elaine enters from bedroom with newspaper) Hey, you done with that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you're not reading it now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, you can take it. But I want it back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah. So, ah, what're you guys gonna do today? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, this. And that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And the other. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Boy, I really liked the two of you much better when you weren't a couple. (He exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Deal Script

1991-05-16

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE BABY SHOWER </b> Written by Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Men flip around the television more than women, I think. Men get that remote control in their hands, they don't even know what the hell they're watching. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> You know, we just keep going, "Rerun, don't wanna watch it.. " "What are you watching?" "I don't care, I gotta keep going." "Who was that?" "I don't know what it <b> </b><b> </b> was - doesn't matter, it's not your fault. It doesn't matter, I gotta keep going." Women don't do this. See now, women will stop and go, "Well, let me see what the <b> </b><b> </b> show is before I change the channel." You see? Men just fly. Because women, you see, women nest and men hunt. That's why we watch TV differently. Before <b> </b><b> </b> there was flipping around, before there was television, kings and emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would tell them stories 'cause that was their <b> </b><b> </b> entertainment. I always wonder, in that era, if they would get, like, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip around. Just go, "Alright start telling me a story, <b> </b><b> </b> what's happening? I don't want to hear anymore. Shut up. Go to the next guy. What are you talking about? Is there a girl in that story? ..No? Shut up. Go to the next <b> </b><b> </b> guy. What do you got? I don't want to hear that either. Shut up. No, go ahead, what are you talking about?.. I don't want to hear that. No, the all of you, get out of <b> </b><b> </b> here. I'm going to bed." <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Coffee shop) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Shocked) She's pregnant? Leslie is pregnant?! Oh, see, there is no justice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's the performance artist, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Sarcastic) Yeah, performance artist. She's a real performer. A real trooper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's her husband's name, again? Chip? Kip? Skip? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Todd. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Todd. Oh yeah. (To George) He's a Kennedy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, he's not. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon. He's a third cousin, or something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> By marriage. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, by marriage. (To George) We went to their wedding. You should have heard him talking about Chappaquiddick - trying to blame the whole thing on <b> </b><b> </b> bad directions. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That woman was unequivocally the worst date of my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, pardon me for trying to set you up with a beautiful, intelligent woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you don't think I can attract beautiful, intelligent women? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thin ice, George. Thin ice.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Sarcastic) Maybe for her new performance piece she'll give birth on stage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She stopped performing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Again, sarcastic) Oh, what a huge blow to the culture. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Gesturing to George) You believe this guy? He holds a grudge like Khomeini. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront in Brooklin to see one of her "performances". <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, and she cooks dinner onstage for some celebrity? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> God! She's cooking dinner for God! She's yelling and screaming, and the next thing I know, she throws a big can of chocolate syrup all over my new red <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> shirt. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It was an accident! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yeah, sure, accident, right. She was aiming right at me like she was putting out a fire! Then, for the rest of the show, I'm sitting there with chocolate all <b> </b><b> </b> over my shirt. Flies are landing on me. I'm boiling - I'm fantasizing all the things I'm gonna say when I see her. And later, finally, backstage when I talk to her, I'm a <b> </b><b> </b> groveling worm. "What kind of chocolate was that? Do you throw any other foods?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Elaine) he thought he still had a shot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And then, then, then she leaves with somebody else! Never even, never even said goodbye! Never called me back.. Never apologized. Nothing. Like I <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> was dirt. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What ever happened with the shirt? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I still have it. The collar's okay. I wear it under sweaters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know what I'm gonna do. She asked me to give her a baby shower. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Asked you? You're not going to do that are you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> anyone else, never. But, Leslie - I have a problem saying no to. For some reason, I seem to want her approval. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ask not what I can do for you - ask what you can do for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Germanic) Ich bin ein sucker. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, would you two stop with the Kennedys? Why does everybody make such a big deal about he Kennedys? What is this fascination?! Who cares?! It's <b> </b><b> </b> all so boring.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby monsoon. She deserves Rosemary's baby! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To Jerry) I do have one teeny little problem, though. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Never said goodbye. Never apologized. Nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See, I was gonna give the shower in my apartment.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My roommate has Lyme disease. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr Syndrome? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr. It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist of Lyme disease. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did she get Lyme disease? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. She did some outdoor version of Hair in Danbury, Connecticut. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They still do that play? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's a classic. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> With all the nudity? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I guess. She must've rolled over on a tick during the love-in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Still mad a Leslie) Never said goodbye. Goodbye! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Explain to me how this baby shower thing works. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you wanna know? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Rarely. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's no hazing of the fetus, or anything, is there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When is this suppose to be? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Saturday. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Saturday?.. Well, I have a show in Buffalo on Saturday. They're not gonna bust up my apartment, or anything, are they? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll take full responsibility. You won't regret it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 'Cause I've seen these pregnant women - and they sometimes misjudge their fetal girth. Just like one wrong turn, and boom! And entire buffet is swept off <b> </b><b> </b> the table. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Someday, before I die, mark my words - I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And if you do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I still won't be able to forgive myself - but at least it won't be about this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry's TV's not giving a clear picture. He messes with the dials as Kramer looks over his shoulder) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What are you doing this for? Look at you.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Quiet. I'm trying to get a picture. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But you don't have to do this! This guy is waiting in my house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pleading) Leave me alone. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's a one-time fee. A hundred and fifty bucks. Why live like this?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not getting illegal cable! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, so what are you gonna do? You gonna wait for the cable companies to resolve their dispute? They're gonna be in court for years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I read in the paper.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Sarcastic) Oh, oh, the paper.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, they might hook us up again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, God, you're so naive! All the cable companies care about is the "Big Mammoo." (Jerry wacks the TV) Oh, look at you! You're banging things.. <b> </b><b> </b> Pathetic. Just wasting your life. I'm offering you fifty-six channels - movies, sports, nudity. And it's free! For life! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stop shouting! You're ruining the reception. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Can you hear yourself? Can, can, do you know what you're saying?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What you're suggesting is illegal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's not illegal. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's against the law. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Gesturing to the rabbit ears) Just, just, hold this. Can you hold that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Holding the rabbit ears) Look, will you at least let me bring the guy over? He's an amazing man. He's a Russian immigrant. He escaped the Gulag. He's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> like the Sakharov of cable guys.. He'll slow down your gas meter. He sells slugs, Jerry. Slugs for the subway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A real human rights nut, huh? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. He's intense, man. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. What if I get caught? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you're not gonna get caught. Look, let me get him. Man, it's the nineties, it's Hammer time! Come on, just let me get him. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer drops the rabbit ears, and goes to his apartment. He then returns with a Russian cable guy - Anatoly Tabachnick, and his assistant. Tabachnick mumbles, <b> </b><b> </b> shakes, laughs, then wanders around the apartment. Jerry looks confused) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, why don't we wait? Because, I'm going out of town tomarrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TABACHNICK </b> Tomarrow okay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No problem. Yeah, you'll have the whole thing installed by the time you get back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Mutters to himself) Every time I turn on the TV, sirens are gonna go off. They're gonna track me down like a dog, I know it.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, now look now, Jerry, Jerry, it's no risk. I swear. The Mets have seventy-five games on cable this year.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pauses, thinking about what Kramer just said) Put it in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You won't regret it. (Jerry mutters some more, Kramer rubs his hands together in anticipation, then starts dancing around with a reluctant Jerry) Jerry's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> gonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy.. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry enters carrying luggage. A group of nem in suits are waiting for him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Mr. Steinfeld? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> We're with the FBI. You wanna tell us about your cable hook-up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My cable hook-up? What about it? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> It's been illegally installed, Mr. Steinfeld. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It has? I've been out of town. How did you know? <b> </b><b> </b> (An agent leads Kramer out of the bedroom into the living room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, I had to tell them. I had to. I had no choice. They were onto the scam from the very beginning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> You're in serious trouble, Mr. Steinfeld. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a minute. Wait a minute, hold on! We're just patsies. We're just a couple of users.. We never sold the stuff. What about the Russian guy? The Russian <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> guy is the guy you want. <b> </b> (Tabachnick steps out of the bedroom. He's dressed like the other FBI men, and speaks without an accent now) <b> </b><b> </b><b> TABACHNICK </b> Mr. Seinfeld, Agent Stone. FBI. Undercover. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry looks around for an excape, then makes a mad dash for the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No! Jerry! (The FBI agents open fire. Jerry's gunned down by a hailstorm of bullets. Kramer leans next to a fallen Jerry, cupping Jerry's head in his <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> hands) Cable boy, cable boy.. What have you done to my little cable boy?.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Airplane) <b> </b> (Jerry shudders when looking back on his dream. A stewardess approaches) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me. Can I get something to drink? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEWARDESS </b> I'm afraid not. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's with this airline? What are you, cutting out the drinks now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEWARDESS </b> No sir. We're flying into a blizzard. Please fasten your seat belt. We're making an emergency landing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) Are they gonna go over the instructions again? <b> </b><b> </b> (The passenger, Bill, next to him offers his hand) <b> </b><b> BILL </b> My name is Bill. I might be the last person you ever see. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear of flying and, I have no arguement with that. I think fear of flying is quite rational because, human <b> </b><b> </b> beings cannot fly. Humans have fear of flying same way fish have fear of driving. Put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "This isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this. I <b> </b><b> </b> don't belong here." <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (George's car) <b> </b> (George is driving while wearing an unzipped coat, and a sweater with a bright red collar under it. Jerry's riding shotgun) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sounds like a rough trip. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, fire engines, ambulances all along the runway. And then, when we landed safely, they all seemed so disappointed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, the college cancelled the gig? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, there was so much snow. The roads were closed. I really appreciate it - you picking me up. Thanks again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Modestly) Forget it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, really.. an airport run. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, it's one thing if I asked you "Could you do me a favor?" ..But to suggest it?.. GEORGE: (Obviously up to something. Jerry doesn't suspect anything - <b> </b><b> </b> yet) Whey you told me what you went through on the plane, it makes you stop and think. You appreciate having a real friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Joking) You know, if Richie Brandes did this, I'd be suspicious, you know. He's always got some ulterior motive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Laughs nervously) ..Ulterior motive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't take the bridge.. Get off here. We can't go back to my place, Elaine's having the shower. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Obviously knows that, but pretends he doesn't) What, tonight? Now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah. I forgot all about it. Alright, it's no big deal. We'll just go back to your place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My place? NO, no, no. I hate my place. I don't wanna go back to my place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You want to get a bite? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I would. It's just, you know, I just ate a whole pot roast. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, so what should we do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Shouldn't we at least drop off your bag? <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's suddenly suspicious. He notices George's red collar, then reaches over and pulls the sweater down) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Red shirt! Red shirt! That's the red shirt! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Nervous) What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're wearing the chocolate shirt! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am? What a strange coincidence.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A - Ha! Nice try, my friend, but you gotta get up pretty early in the morning.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Pleading) You gotta let me go over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you gonna do? Badger a pregnant woman at her own baby shower?! What are you, gonna take it off and make her rinse it in club soda? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I'm gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the scent of stale Bosco that I had to live with for three years, and I'm gonna say, "Remember this <b> </b><b> </b> shirt, baby?! Well, now, it's payback time!" <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Leslie is talking to a group of people, including Elaine) <b> </b><b> LESLIE </b> We just bought an apartment on Riverside Drive. Bernard Goetz's mother used to live there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, where's Todd? <b> </b><b> LESLIE </b> Up in Hyannisport. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my God, Hyannisport? With the Kennedys? Who else is up there? Is Rose up there?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> (To Leslie) So, when's your due date? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LESLIE </b> March twentieth, nine a.m. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> You know the time! <b> </b><b> LESLIE </b> I'm having a planned C-section. My therapist told me if I go through labor, I might get psychotic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Leslie, Leslie, whatever happened to Sargent Shriver? Is he still with them? You don't hear much about him these days. Is he out of the loop? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LESLIE </b> (Takes a bite of food) Elaine, who catered this, Sears? <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer bursts through the door, followed by Tabachnick and his assistant. Tabachnick looks over a woman, and nods approvingly. The woman freeze at the sight, <b> </b><b> </b> then disperse nervously) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Whispering to Kramer) What is this?! What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We're putting in cable. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The cable? No, no, no. I'm having a party here. You can't do this now! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, we have to do this now. <b> </b> (Tabachnick and his assistant are leering at the women) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who's this guy? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Which one? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Both of the them. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, they're Soviet Cable guys. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay.. Does Jerry know about this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah.. it's all authorized, yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can't! You can't do this now! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Elaine, do you know how booked up this guy is? Now, if I send him away now, it's gonna take Jerry months to get him back.. He won't like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright. Just do it fast and then get out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Snaps his fingers) Anatoly! (The Russians get to work on command. To Elaine) Look, it's gonna take a few minutes.. Then, you and the gals can take a <b> </b><b> </b> load off and watch something on Lifetime. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (George's car) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And what if we go up there? What are you going to say to her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Boiling) What am I going to say?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What did you go out with me for?! Just to dump chocolate on my shirt and then just dump me altogether?! I don't deserve that kind of treatment! What, <b> </b><b> </b> you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?! To apologize! You think I'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and ignored?! Who's shirt can be <b> </b><b> </b> ruined without financial restitution?! Some sort of a masochist who enjoys being humiliated? You think you can avoid me like I have some sort of disease?! You have <b> </b><b> </b> the disease! You have the disease! You may be beautiful and rich and physically .. just .. unbelievable, but you sicken me! You disgust me! You and everyone like <b> </b><b> </b> you! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You'll never say that to her face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Watch me. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Flirting with a female guest) Yeah, I eat the whole apple. The core, stem, seeds, everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To Kramer) Kramer, Kramer, look at him. (Gestures to Tabachnick) Look! He's eating all the food! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, there are many differences between American and Soviet cultures that you're not aware of. See, in Russian, the cable guy, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> they got the whole run of the house. Yeah, that's tradition. (Turns back to the woman) Did you ever eat the bark of a pineapple? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Tabachnick and his assistant start to argue, then they start fighting) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Trying to break up the fight) Uh.. Excuse me.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Everyone's watching the fight. Kramer breaks it up. Tabachnick walks to the bathroom while his assistant returns to work. Tabachnick bangs on the door, and <b> </b><b> </b> shouts in Russian. A woman finally gets out. Tabachnick gets into the bathroom and slams the door shut. Jerry and George enter. Elaine runs up to greet them) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you doing here? I thought you were out of town for the weekend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The show was cancelled. There was a blizzard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe you told Kramer it's okay to put the cable in during the shower! Jerry, look,, look! They've eaten everything. <b> </b><b> </b> (Leslie approaches them) <b> </b><b> LESLIE </b> Jerry, what a surprise! I thought you sere out of town. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, Leslie, sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Speaking confidentially to George) George, don't even think about it! Don't even dream about it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Unconvincingly coy) About what? <b> </b><b> TABACHNICK </b> (Sticks his head out the door) Kramer, Kramer, Kramer.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer rushes over, and quickly closes the bathroom door as Tabachnick joins his assistant at the food table. George is ready for Leslie - he takes off his sweater, <b> </b><b> </b> revealing the chocolate stain. He walks over to Leslie) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Leslie. <b> </b><b> LESLIE </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> George.. (She doesn't seem to recognize him) George Costanza. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LESLIE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Laughs) You, I guess, you don't remember me.. but we actually, kind of um.. went out.. a couple of years ago.. once.. remember? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LESLIE </b> Vaguely. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You took me to one of your shows.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LESLIE </b> And? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And, um, it was quite good. In fact, you even incorporated me into the show. I'm not actually a performer. Although, my parents felt I had talent.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to Jerry) <b> </b><b> MARY </b> Jerry?! (A woman, angry at Jerry, approaches him. Jerry looks confused) Remember me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry, I.. <b> </b><b> MARY </b> (Livid) Mary Contardi. No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry? We had a date, three years ago. You took me to one of your shows. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Stammering) Oh, I, I, think I remember.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARY </b> Told me you had a great time! Said you'd call me the next day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm sure I meant to call.. I probably just lost your.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARY </b> Liar! Liar! You were never going to call me! You thought you could waltz throught the rest of your life and never bump into me again! But you were wrong, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry! You were wrong! What do you think, I'm some sort of poor, pathetic wretch?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't think that.. <b> </b><b> MARRY </b> Some person who could be dismissed and ignored?! Some insignificant piece of dust?! Some person who doesn't deserve your respect and your <b> </b><b> </b> attention?! You're the one that doesn't deserve my respect and my attention! You're the insignificant piece of dust! <b> </b><b> </b> (She feigns, spitting on the floor near Jerry's shoes, and storms out. Scene cuts to George. Leslie's bored to death) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Actually, I never had any formal training. I guess I'd be better suited for improvs, or something.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Mary runs for the door, pushing Leslie into George. Her chocolate cake is now all over George's shirt) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LESLIE </b> Thanks a lot! <b> </b> (Scene cuts to the front door. Elaine is saying goodbye to a few women who are rushing out the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sorry you have to go. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Yeah. I really have to be going. <b> </b> (Scene cuts to Jerry. He notices the cable guys) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, listen, I've changed my mind about this whole thing. I don't want cable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Don't be a fool. <b> </b><b> TABACHNICK </b> You don't want? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't want. So, just tell me what I owe you for your trouble.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TABACHNICK </b> (Confers with his assistant, then) Four hundred dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Kramer) Four hundred dollars?1 You told me one-fifty! <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to Elaine by the door. Leslie has her coat on, and is ready to leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LESLIE </b> I'm going.. obviously. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry about everything that went on here tonight. You know, I had no idea.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LESLIE </b> Elaine, you know, I was watching you tonight, and I realized something. You're just like you were in college. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Not sure if it was an insult or a compliment) Oh, thank you. (Leslie leaves. Then Elaine wonders to herself) "Like you were in college"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LESLIE </b> (Comes back, and yells in the direction of the bedroom) Come on! Let's go! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George comes out from the bedroom, carrying all the shower gifts - embarrassed) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Sheepishly to Elaine) I'll be right back. (Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Defiantly) I'm not paying four hundred dollars! I don't even want the thing. What are you going to do?! <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry's TV screen is cracked. George and Elaine are slumped on chairs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Every woman on the face of the earth has complete control of my life. And yet, I want them all.. is that irony? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why can't I meet a Kennedy? ..I saw John Junior once downtown. I was on a bus. I hit the ding, but.. it didn't stop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I said I had a good time and I'd call, but who takes that literally? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Pops his head into Jerry's apartment) Hey, come on over, Dr. Zhivago's on cable in five minutes.. I'm making popcorn! (Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this person ever again, for the rest of your life? What do you say? What do you <b> </b><b> </b> say? No matter what you say, it's a lie. "I'll see you around. See you around. If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you around that area. You'll be around other <b> </b><b> </b> people. You won't be around me. But you will be around." "Take care now." Did you ever say that to somebody? "Take care now. Take care, now. Because, I'm <b> </b><b> </b> not going to be taking care of you. So, you should take care, now." "Take care. Take care." What does this mean? "Take off!" Isn't that what you really want to say? <b> </b><b> </b> "Take off now." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Baby Shower Script

1991-05-23

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE CHINESE RESTAURANT </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (A couple of days ago I used a public phone), go over time on the call, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> hang up the phone, walk away. You've had this happen? Phone rings. It's the <b> </b><b> </b> phone company... they want more money. Don't you love this? And you got them <b> </b><b> </b> right where you want them for the first time in your life. You're on the <b> </b><b> </b> street, there's nothing they can do. I like to let it ring a few times, you <b> </b><b> </b> know, let her sweat a little over there, then I just pick it up, "Yeah, <b> </b><b> </b> operator... oh, I got the money... I got the money right here... D'you hear <b> </b><b> </b> that? (taps on microphone) That's a quarter. Yeah, you want that don't you?" <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry, Elaine &amp; George enter the Chinese restaurant) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, they've just got to get more cops on the force, it's as simple as <b> </b><b> </b> that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Cops. I don't even care about cops. I wanna see more garbage men. It's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and <b> </b><b> </b> garbage men. You're never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I tell you what they should do, they should combine the two jobs, make <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> it one job, 'cop\garbage man'. I always see cops walking around with nothing to <b> </b><b> </b> do. Grab a broom! Start sweeping. You sweep sweep sweep... catch a criminal, get <b> </b><b> </b> right back to sweeping. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You should run for mayor. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ehh, nobody listens. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where is someone? I'm starving. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think this is him right here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is there a table ready? <b> </b><b> RESTAURANT MANAGER </b> How many? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How many? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is Tatiana coming? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, I have to call her, tell her where we are. I'm very <b> </b><b> </b> lucky she's even considering seeing me at all. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? I thought things were going <b> OK. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They were, it's kinda complicated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what is it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How many? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, alright, four. Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Four. It'll be five, ten minutes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you wanna do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Let's go someplace else, I am too hungry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We might as well just stay here, we haven't got that much time if we <b> </b><b> </b> wanna make it to the movie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I gotta call Tatiana. where's the phone? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tatiana... <b> </b> (George goes over to the public phone. There's a guy using it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, are you gonna be very long? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (guy on phone just turns the other way without answering) <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Lashbrook(sp?), 4! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So did I do a terrible thing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You mean lying to your uncle? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I couldn't have dinner with him. 'Plan 9 from Outer Space', one night <b> </b><b> </b> only, the big screen. My hands are tied! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know it's a public phone, you're not supposed to just <b> </b><b> </b> chit-chat. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, get menus so when we sit down we can order right away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can't look at a menu now, I gotta be at the table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He knows I'm waiting. He sees me. He just doesn't wanna look. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Everything's gotta be just so with you, doesn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I offered you those cookies in my house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Health cookies. I hate those little dustboard fructose things. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just can't believe at the way people are. What is it with humanity? <b> </b><b> </b> What kind of a world do we live in? <b> </b> (Jerry stares at someone) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's a woman over there that looks really familiar. Dark hair, <b> </b><b> </b> striped shirt? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've never seen her before. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know this woman. This is gonna drive me crazy. <b> </b><b> </b> (a group of people comes in, one of them bumps into Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Oh, Excuse me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sorry. <b> </b> (the group just walks right into the dining room) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Didja see that? Those people, look, they're getting a table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well maybe they were here from before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no no, they weren't here before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, are you going to be much longer? I have to make a <b> </b><b> </b> very important call. <b> </b> (guy on phone turns away again) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Find out what's going on! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me, didn't those people just come in? I believe we were ahead of <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> them. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> What's your name? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seinfeld. <b> </b> (Bruce starts talking to a Chinese woman in Chinese) <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> No, no, they were here before. Keckitch(sp?), <b> 2! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> They think they're so special because they've been chosen. It's enough to make <b> </b><b> </b> you sick. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, you are really hungry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! <b> </b> (guy on phone smiles at him and turns back. George, annoyed, goes over to Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If anything happens here, can I count on you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If we decide to go at it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I wanna get into a rumble... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have to get in touch with Tatiana! And look at his little outfit. <b> </b><b> </b> It's all so coordinated, the way his socks matching to his shirt. I really hate <b> </b><b> </b> this guy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm gonna faint... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, who is that woman in the stripes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She looks so familiar. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ya know, its not fair people are seated First Come First Served, It <b> </b><b> </b> should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over there and <b> </b><b> </b> taking some food off somebody's plate. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say <b> </b><b> </b> anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- I <b> </b><b> </b> give you 50 bucks. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are they gonna do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell <b> </b><b> </b> for the rest of their lives. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or <b> </b><b> </b> something... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no tricks. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Should I do it, George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, alright. Here, hold this. I'm doin' it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine goes over to the table, smiling) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know this sounds crazy, but the two men who are <b> </b><b> </b> standing behind me are going to give me 50 bucks if I stand here and eat one of <b> </b><b> </b> your eggrolls. <b> </b> (the people at the table are confused) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll give you 25 if you let me do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PEOPLE AT TABLE </b> What? What is she talking about? What did she say? <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine runs from the table, laughing) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you see that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What were you doing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I offered them 25, they had no idea... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, the phone's free. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alleluia. <b> </b> (as George reaches for the phone, a woman snatches it and starts dialing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, I was waiting here. <b> </b><b> WOMAN AT PHONE </b> Where? I didn't see you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've been standing here for the last ten minutes! <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Well I won't be long. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's not the point. The point is I was here first. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Well if you were here first, you'd be holding the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed <b> </b><b> </b> to act in a civilized way. <b> </b> (he goes over to Jerry and Elaine) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Does she care? No. Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> over the problems of a fellow individual? No. No. A resounding no! <b> </b><b> </b> (guy on phone approaches George) <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Hey, sorry I took so long. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh that's OK, really, don't worry about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How do people fast? Did Ghandi get this crazy? I'm gonna walk around, <b> </b><b> </b> see what dishes look good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told my uncle I had a stomach ache tonight. You think he bought that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, well, he probably bought it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what happened with Tatiana? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I shouldn't even tell you this. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm with you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. It's like <b> </b><b> </b> right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. <b> </b><b> </b> You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and <b> </b><b> </b> it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to perceive this <b> </b><b> </b> impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great <b> </b><b> </b> lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as <b> </b><b> </b> this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily... <b> </b><b> </b> extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know <b> </b><b> </b> that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm <b> </b><b> </b> going to need... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This could only happen to you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So I finally stop and say, "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the <b> </b><b> </b> wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left". <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You said this to her after. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. During. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, boy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow! So...? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure this woman, <b> </b><b> </b> and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might <b> </b><b> </b> possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very <b> </b><b> </b> sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal. It took me 3 days of phone calls to get her <b> </b><b> </b> to agree to see me again. Now she's waiting for me to call her, and she's <b> </b><b> </b> (gestures towards woman on phone) still on the phone. <b> </b> (Elaine comes over) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I hate this place. I don't know why we came here, I'm never coming back <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> here again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who is that woman?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember, <b> </b><b> </b> it was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food that you never <b> </b><b> </b> saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a delicious and <b> </b><b> </b> exciting adventure? And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them <b> </b><b> </b> to fill up the trough. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's off. (goes over to the now available public phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, talk to that guy again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What am I gonna say? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tell him we wanna catch a movie and that we're late. <b> </b><b> </b> (as Jerry approaches Bruce, a man walks in) <b> </b><b> MR. COHEN </b> Hey, what stinks in here? <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Mr. Cohen! Haven't seen you for a couple of weeks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. COHEN </b> Well, I've been looking for a better place. <b> </b><b> </b> (Bruce laughs) <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Better place... Want a table? <b> </b><b> MR. COHEN </b> No, just bring me a plate and I'll eat here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Give him a plate and you eat here... Come on, I give you a <b> </b><b> </b> table. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me... we've been waiting here. Now, I KNOW we were ahead of that <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> guy, he just came in. <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Oh no, Mr. Cohen always here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's always here? What does that mean? What does that mean? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Oh, Mr. Cohen, very nice man. He live on Park Avenue. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's not there. She left. She must've waited and left because those <b> </b><b> </b> people wouldn't get off the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Didja leave a message? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I told her to call me here and to tell anyone who answers the <b> </b><b> </b> phone to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses. I better tell him I'm <b> </b><b> </b> expecting a call. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Jerry, here comes that woman... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where do I know her? <b> </b> (woman in stripes approaches Jerry) <b> </b><b> LORRAINE </b> Hello, Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Heeeeyyyy... How you doin'? <b> </b><b> LORRAINE </b> How is everything? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good, good, good... What's goin' on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LORRAINE </b> Oh, working hard. And you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you know, working around, same stuff, doing... whatever. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LORRAINE </b> You haven't been around in a while. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, I know... Well, you know. <b> </b><b> LORRAINE </b> You should come by. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Definitely. I plan to, I'm not just saying that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, I'm Elaine. <b> </b><b> LORRAINE </b> Lorraine. Catalano. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry, Lorraine, this is Elaine... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (They all laugh, then silent) <b> </b><b> LORRAINE </b> Well it was nice seeing you, Jerry. And nice meeting you. (she <b> </b><b> </b> leaves) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, nice to meet you too, Lorraine! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my god, Lorraine... that's Lorraine from my uncle's office. I'm in <b> </b><b> </b> big, big trouble. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The one you broke the plans with tonight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, she works in his office. Now she's gonna see him tomorrow and <b> </b><b> </b> tell him she saw me here tonight. He's gonna tell his wife, his wife's gonna <b> </b><b> </b> call my mother. Oh, this is bad, you don't know, the chain reaction of calls <b> </b><b> </b> this is gonna set off. New York, Long Island, Florida, it's like the Bermuda <b> </b><b> </b> Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears. My uncle to my aunt, my aunt <b> </b><b> </b> to my mother, my mother to my uncle... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...My uncle to my cousin, my cousin to my sister, my sister to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You should've just had dinner with your uncle tonight and gotten in <b> </b><b> </b> over with. It's just a movie. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just a movie?! You don't understand. This isn't 'Plans 1 through 8 <b> </b><b> </b> from Outer Space', this is 'Plan 9', this is the one that worked. The worst <b> </b><b> </b> movie ever made! <b> </b> (Elaine nods) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I got news for you, if we're making this movie, we gotta get a <b> </b><b> </b> table immediately. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, OK. Let's stop fooling around. Let's just slip him some <b> </b><b> </b> money. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In a Chinese restaurant? Do they take money? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do they take money? Everyone takes money. I used to go out with a guy <b> </b><b> </b> who did it all the time, you just slip him 20 bucks. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 20 bucks? Isn't that excessive? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well what do you want to give him, change? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's more than the meal! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, come on, We'll divide it up three ways. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright. 7,7, (points at himself) 6. I'm not gonna eat that much! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm counting your shrimps. OK, Who's gonna do it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh no, I can't do it. I-I'm not good at these things, I get flustered. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Once I tried to bribe an usher at the roller derby, I almost got arrested. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I guess it's you, Jer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Me? What about you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I can't do that, it's a guy thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The woman's movement just can't seem to make any progress in the world <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> of bribery, can they? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Give me the money. <b> </b> (Elaine stands close to Bruce, trying to get his attention) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How's it going'? <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Very busy. <b> </b> (Elaine holds the money in front of Bruce) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Boy, we are REALLY anxious to sit down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Very good specials tonight. <b> </b> (Elaine puts the bill on the open reservations book) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> If there's anything you can do to get us a table we'd really appreciate <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> it. <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> What is your name? (he turns the page over the money) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no, I want to eat now! (she gets the money from under the page) <b> </b><b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Yes, we have sea-bass dinner tonight, very fresh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Here, take this. I'm starving. Take it! Take <b> </b><b> </b> it! <b> </b> (Bruce shrugs and takes it) <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Dennison, 4! (goes over to 4 ladies) Your table is ready. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no, no, I want that table. I want that table! Oh, come on, did you <b> </b><b> </b> see that? What was that? He took the money, he didn't give us a table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You lost the 20. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, how could he do that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You didn't make it clear. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Make it clear? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What a sorry exhibition that was. Alright, let me get the money back. <b> </b><b> </b> (goes over to Bruce) Excuse me. I realize, this is extremely embarrassing, my <b> </b><b> </b> friend here apparently made a mistake. <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Your name? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Yeah, Seinfeld 4! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No no no, you see the girl there, with the long hair? <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine waves at him, smiling) <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Oh yes, yes. Very beautiful girl, very beautiful. Is your girlfriend? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, actually, we did date for a while, but... it's really not relevant <b> </b><b> </b> here. <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Relationships are difficult. It's very hard to stay together- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, listen, alright. How much longer is it gonna be? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Oh. In about five, ten minutes. <b> </b> (Jerry goes over to Elaine and George) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There seems to be a bit of a discrepancy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So when are we gonna eat? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Five, ten minutes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We should have left earlier. I told you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't see any way we can eat and make this movie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, well I have to eat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well let's just order to go, we'll eat it in the cab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Eat it in the cab? Chinese food in a cab? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll eat it in the movie. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, who do you think you're going? Do you think that they have big <b> </b><b> </b> picnic tables there? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what do you suggest? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I say we leave now, we go to 'Skyburger' and we scarf 'em down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not going to 'Skyburger'. Besides, it's in the opposite direction, <b> </b><b> </b> let's just eat popcorn or something. <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Cartwright? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't have popcorn for dinner! <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Cartwright? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I have to eat! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So they have hotdogs there. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, movie hotdogs! I rather lick the food off the floor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't go anywhere, I have to wait here for Tatiana's call. Let me <b> </b><b> </b> just check. <b> </b> (goes over to Bruce) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, I'm expecting a call. Costanza? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Yeah, I just got a call. I yell 'Cartwright! Cartwright!', just like <b> </b><b> </b> that. Nobody came up, I hang up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, was it for Costanza or... <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Yes, yes, that's it. Nobody answered. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well was it a woman? <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Yeah, yeah. I tell her you not here, she said curse word, I hang up. <b> </b><b> </b> (George comes over to Jerry and Elaine, stunned) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She called. He yelled Cartwright. I missed her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who's Cartwright? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm Cartwright! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not Cartwri- <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course I'm not Cartwright! Look, why don't you two just go to the <b> </b><b> </b> movies all by yourselves, I'm not in the mood. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well me neither, I'm goin' to 'Skyburger'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So You're not going? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You don't need us. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I can't go to a bad movie by myself. Who am I gonna make sarcastic <b> </b><b> </b> remarks to, strangers? Eh, I guess I'll just go to my uncle's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Should we tell him we're leaving? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What for? Let's just get out of here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (they all leave) <b> </b><b> BRUCE </b> Seinfeld, 4? <b> </b> (closing monologue) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism. Cannibalism, what do they say, I mean, they're eating and, you know, "This is good, who is this? I like this person". You know, I mean, I would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some very deep sleep, you know what I mean? I would think, you'd be like, (pretending to wake up) "Who is that? Who's there? Who's there? Is somebody there? What do you want? What do you want? You look hungry, are you hungry? Get out of here!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Chinese Restaurant Script

1991-06-26

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE BUSBOY </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not a foodie. I don't, "Oh, this is too rare. Oh, it's too salty." Just eat it and shut up. I'll eat anywhere, whatever they're having. I have eaten rotten rolls <b> </b><b> </b> off of room service trays in hotel hallways. I have. It's not a joke. This is my life. I don't know, somebody left it. Why would someone poison a roll, and leave it in a <b> </b><b> </b> hallway for some comic coming down at two o' clock in the morning? Why would they do that? Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in a little <b> </b><b> </b> book. What is this? The story of the bill? "Once upon a time, there were some very hungry people.." What is this? A little gold tassle hanging down? Am I graduating <b> </b><b> </b> from the restaurant? What is this about? <b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b> (A restaurant) <b> </b> (Jerry, George, and Elaine are all eating at an Italian restaurant. George hasn't eaten anything) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you want some of mine? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Take some of mine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why do I get pesto? Why do I think I'll like it? I keep trying to like it, like I have to like it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who said you have to like it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Everybody likes pesto. You walk into a restaurant, that's all you hear - pesto, pesto, pesto. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't like pesto. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where was pesto 10 years ago? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Gesturing to a man) Look at that guy. (Elaine starts to look, but Jerry stops her) I'll bet you he's gettin' hair transplants. Any time you see a guy that age <b> </b><b> </b> wearing a baseball cap, ten to one - plugs. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Elaine turns to look at the man, trying to make it sound like they aren't talking about him) The thing about that painting.. is with the colors and um.. (Turns <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> back to Jerry) Oh yeah, plugola. <b> </b> (George has started eating Elaine's food - and continues to do so) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Elaine) Oh, one more thing about the car. Let it warm up for a minute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's a tough minute. It's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't understand why he couldn't take a cab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine is having a "houseguest." She's picking him up at the airport tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A guy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Slightly embarrassed) Yes, a guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's from a.. Yakima, right? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Seattle. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Everybody's moving to Seattle. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's the pesto of cities. So..? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To Jerry) You tell him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, from what I can piece together, our friend here met a gentleman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ed. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who was in town on a business venture, and um.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ..We shared an interpersonal experience. (George hits his glass with his fork. To Jerry) Go on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So they went out a few times, but apparently, when the fellow returned home, he discovered that the Benes tattoo does not wash off so easily. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> On some people. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oooh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, he's coming in to stay with her for a week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It was just gonna be a weekend, but then somehow it became a week. <b> </b><b> </b> (The menu at a neighboring table catches fire. Elaine quickly picks up a wine glass - about to put it out, but George tosses the menu on the floor, and stomps it out. <b> </b><b> </b> The manager approaches) <b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, the busboy left the menu a little close to the candle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MANAGER </b> Sorry to the disturbance. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Joking, she snobbishly says) I'm never eating here again. <b> </b><b> </b> (Manager leaves) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pats George on the back) Nice going. Thank you, that ought to get us a free dessert.. (They can see the manager chewing the busboy out from the dining <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> room doorway) I think the busboy's in trouble. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said?! I just told him what happened.. he didn't do it on purpose.. (Mangager and busboy are arguing. The <b> </b><b> </b> busboy points in the direction of George) He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I said I would never eat here again.. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Casually buttering a roll, like he's the innocent one) I didn't say anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The busboy takes of his apron, throws it down, and exits the restaurant) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe it. He's going! He's fired! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I said it in a kidding way. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't know he'd get fired. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Jokingly trying to put more pressure on Elaine and George) He'll probably kill his family over this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What if he's waiting for me outside? He pointed at me! Did you see him point?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Again, joking) A lot of ex-cons become busboys. They seem to gravitate twards 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Was it my fault? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Was it my fault? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Doesn't have a care in the world) ..Maybe I'll try that pesto. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, I feel bad for him too, but he'll get another job. I mean, let's face it, it's not a profession where you embellish your resume and undergo a series of <b> </b><b> </b> grueling interviews. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Eating a sandwich) Oh, like you really know busboys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, like you do. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, at least I was a camp waiter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Scoffing) Camp. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It was a fat camp. Those kids depended on me. <b> </b><b> </b> (The intercom buzzes, Jerry talks through it) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Through intercom) Yeah. <b> </b> (Jerry pushes a button on the intercom - letting her in) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Busboys are always changing jobs. That's the business. I know. I work with these guys. I tallk to them in the kitchen at the comedy clubs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Then why don't you try and get him another job? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'd love to, but I don't know anything about him. He could be one of those people that walks around the street pricking people with pins. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know if you people are aware of this, but I am one clever chickadee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? Did you get the busboy's number? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> His phone's been disconnected, but I was able to obtain an address - 1324 Amsterdam Avenue, apartment 4D. (Hands George a card) Now, I did my <b> </b><b> </b> job. (To Jerry) May I have the car keys, please? <b> </b> (Jerry hands the car keys to Elaine) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How did you get all this? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Does the word "charm" mean anything to you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. (George grabs his jacket) So now you're going to his apartment? I really think this is nuts. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Putting his jacket on) I'd like to apologize. I want to tell him I.. I.. didn't mean to get him in trouble. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You, you're going now? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I want to see if there's anything I can do.. maybe get him another job.. maybe I'll hear of something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe the fat camp. (To Elaine) You're not going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I would, but I have to pick up Ed at the airport. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I just don't think you should go alone. Can't you wait till after my set? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It'll take to long. <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Take the K-man. A little support.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Unsure) I don't a.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Take me where? Where? <b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b> (An apartment building hallway) <b> </b> (George's nervous - standing with Kramer infront of the busboy's apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look, I really appreciate your coming, but if you wouldn't mind - try not to say too much. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What am I gonna say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm not an idiot. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Certainly not. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Then we're cool. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah.. yeah, we're - we're cool. (Knocks lightly. Kramer takes charge by knocking on the door louder. The busboy answers) Uh, I'm sorry to bother <b> </b><b> </b> you, I was in the restaurant earlier and I was wondering if I could talk to you for a few minutes about what happened. (He gestures for them to come in. They obey) <b> </b><b> </b> I hope I'm not interrupting anything. It's just that I think I may have - without realizing it - been responsible for getting you fired. (Nervously laughs) And.. and.. and I <b> </b><b> </b> just want you to know that I didn't intend for that to happen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Patting George on the shoulder) He's a hell of a guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is a guy I know.. Kramer. <b> </b> (Antonio, the busboy, is watching them suspiciously) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ¿Habla espanol? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To himself) Oh my God. <b> </b><b> ANTONIO </b> Si. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ¿Como se dice.. waterbed? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Interrupting) Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I'm really sorry that happened, and if I can help out in any way, I'll certainly be glad to do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Pause) Well, I guess that's about it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got anything to drink? ¿Agua? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oy uy uy.. (Antonio points to the sink) We really should get going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let me get a glass of water. (Heads tward the sink) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hurry up. <b> </b><b> ANTONIO </b> (Notices that his cat is missing) Pequita? Pequita? (Starts to panic) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> His cat's gone. <b> </b><b> ANTONIO </b> (Notes the door was left wide open) La puerta esta abierta. (Starts screaming) La puerta esta abierta! (To Kramer and George) Who left the door <b> </b><b> </b> open? (Silence) Who left the door open?! (Kramer and George look at eachother) Come on, come on! Help me look! (All three head out the door to look) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b> (Antonio's apartment) <b> </b> (All three sit in silence) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ..You know, cats run away all the time. You know, my aunt, she had a cat. Ran away. Showed up three years later.. you never know. They got things in <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> their brains where they remember where they're from. Unless, of course, somebody else starts feeding him. See, that's what you gotta worry about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Gestures for Kramer to shut up) Once again, Antonio, I can't even begin to say how deeply, deeply sorry I am about everything. The job, the cat.. (A <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> lamp breaks) the lamp. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The wire was sticking out.. (Fits the two broken pieces together) Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Hands Antonio a card) Here's my card. I'm in real estate, so, if you're ever looking for something bigger, something nicer.. (Antonio is staring at him, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> angered) ..maybe not right now. Anyway.. (Extends his hand for a handshake. Antonio doesn't move) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You oughta get that wire fixed. (They go to leave) I got the door. (Shuts the door, the broken lamp falls to the floor) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (On the phone) George, stop worrying about this guy. It wasn't your fault.. Come on, he's not stalking you. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Kramer) Hey. (To George) He doesn't even know where you live.. Who told you to give him your business card?.. (Intercom buzzes) That's Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer buzzes her in. Jerry talks into the phone) Kramer.. (To Kramer) George wants to know when you want to look for the cat again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's been a week. It's up to the cat now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Into phone) Kramer says it's up to the cat now. (To Kramer) It'll be on your conscience. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh? How do you figure? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Into phone) How do you figure? (To Kramer) 'Cause you're the one who left the door open. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why was I in charge of closing the door? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Into phone) Why was he in charge of closing the door? (Irritated at the phone message relay, to Kramer) 'Cause you came in after him! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Into phone) So! (To Kramer - getting even more angry) So, the last person in should close the door! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let me talk to him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Kramer) Talk - call him from your house. (Elaine enters. Kramer leaves. To phone) He's calling you now.. okay. (Hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ed's downstairs. CAn I have the car keys? <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry pitches her the keys as she goes some tward his bathroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No hello? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Got any asprin? (Finds some) Hello. Now, lookit, you guarantee this car will get me to the airport tomarrow? No problems? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Guarantee? ..Hey, it's a car. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because if there's even the slightest chance of any problem at all, I don't want to take it - because if I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle and out of my <b> </b><b> </b> life, I'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Jokingly asking) So, did you have a nice week together? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I heard a little ping in the car last time. What was that ping? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's no ping. Why are you so wacky? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, you cannot imagine how much I hate this guy.. and he hasn't even done anything! It's the situation. He's a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, you two been, uh.. <b> </b><b> ELAIEN </b> No! I told him I've been having my period for the last five days! I'm sleeping all squished over on the edge of my bed.. But, I've only got fourteen hours to <b> </b><b> </b> go. Nothing can go wrong now. I think I've taken care of everything. I've confirmed the plane reservation. I've checked the weather.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's your airport route? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've got it all mapped out - I'm taking the tunnel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..What about the Van Wyck? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I spoke to a cab driver. For five bucks, he turned me on to the Rockaway Boulevard shortcut. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oooh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Now, lookit, this plane leaves at 10:15. We're getting up at about eight. That gives us enough time, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You still using that old alarm clock? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAIEN </b> Oh, no, no. I bought a new one today. It's got everything - it's got everything... If you oversleep more than ten minutes, a hand comes out and slaps you in <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the face. <b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Flying doesn't make me nervous - driving to the airport can make you very nervous because when you're flying, when you're getting on the plane, if you miss <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> that plane, there's no alternative. On the ground, you have options. You have buses, you have taxis, you have trains. But, when you're taking a flight, if you miss it, <b> </b><b> </b> that's it. No airline goes, "Well, you missed the flight, we do have a cannon leaving in about ten minutes. Would you be interested in that? It's not a direct cannon, <b> </b><b> </b> you have to change cannons after you land." (Imitates cannon operator) "I'm sorry, where you goin'? Chicago? (Cranks the cannon) Oh, Dallas? Alright, wait a <b> </b><b> </b> second.. (Cranks cannon to Dallas) Dallas. That's about Dallas. Texas, anyway. You should hit Texas. Are you ready? Make sure you get out of the net <b> </b><b> </b> immediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b> (Elaine's apartment) <b> </b><b> </b> 15 - they overslept. She gets frantic) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Trying to wake Ed up) Get up! The alarm clock didn't go off! (Shakes him) It's 9:15! You're gonna miss the plane! It's <b> 9:15! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ED </b><b> 9:15? </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes! 9:15! <b> </b><b> ED </b> (Going back to sleep) We'll never make it. I'll leave tomarrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tomarrow?! Are you crazy? No, now, now! Let's go! (Gets his suitcase from the closet, throws it on the bed, and frantically starts packing) You get <b> </b><b> </b> dressed! Get dressed! <b> </b><b> ED </b> Can I shower? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shower?! ARe you out of your mind?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ED </b> I gotta shower. I'll feel dirty all day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Forget the shower! The shower's out. Move it! Put your clothes on! Put your clothes on! (Pulls out drawers of clothes, turning them over in the suitcase. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> He walks tward the door) Where are you going? <b> </b><b> ED </b> The kitchen. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The kitchen?! <b> </b><b> ED </b> I've got a bag of cashews in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They're not making it! Let's get your pants on! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ED </b> What's the big deal if we don't make it? I'll just go tomarrow or the next day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! You have your ticket! You have to go now! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ED </b> I'll never make it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Don't say that! <b> </b><b> ED </b> But it takes forty-five minutes to get there. That'll only leave me five minutes to get to the plane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shut up and pack! <b> </b><b> ED </b> And what if I don't make the plane? You'll have already left. Then what will I do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're talking too much! <b> </b><b> ED </b> Where's my sweater? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What?! <b> </b><b> ED </b> My brown sweater. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What sweater? <b> </b><b> ED </b> My brown sweater. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You didn't bring a brown sweater. <b> </b><b> ED </b> I brought a brown sweater. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Here! Here! You want a brown sweater?! (Recahes into one of her drawers, and grabs a brown sweater, then packs it) You got a brown sweater! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ED </b> That's not mine. I can't take your sweater. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's brown! (Takes clothes still on the hangers, and dumps them into the suitcase) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ED </b> What are you doing?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> NO time for folding.. (Looks around) I think that's it. (Zips up the suitcase) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ED </b> My shoes. You packed my shoes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shoes? Shoes?! Shoes?! Shoes weren't invented till the fourth century! People walked around for thousands of years without them! (Puts her coat on over <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> her nightie. He picks up his suitcase, she grabs it from him, then pushes him out of her way) I got this. Let's go! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anywhere in the city? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Anywhere in the city - I'll tell you the best public toilet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay.. Fifty-fourth and Sixth? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sperry Rand Building. 14th floor, Morgan Apparel. Mention my name - she'll give you the key. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright.. Sixty-fifth and Tenth. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Scoffs) ARe you kidding? Lincoln Center. Alice Tully Hall, the Met. Magnificent facilities. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters. She's still wearing her nightclothes under her coat. Her hair is messed up. She's been through quite an ordeal) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Slow, as if remember a dream) I never new I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold metal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws <b> </b><b> </b> of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there.. and then.. I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's <b> </b><b> </b> ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this - I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car-pile-up on Rockaway <b> </b><b> </b> Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ..The busboy's coming! The busboy's coming! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The busboy's coming? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't mean here? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. I just buzzed him in. He's on his way up.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's coming up?! (Moves to the door) I'll check you out later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where are you going? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm the one he wants! He's coming to settle the score. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Trying to get George and Kramer out) No. You three all know each other. There's no point in me getting involved at this stage of the game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, he's not going to do anything. I guarantee it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, the hell with it. Let him kill me. <b> I.. </b><b> </b><b> </b> (There's a knock in the hallway) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Antonio. In here! <b> </b> (Antonio enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Nervous, his voice cracks) Hey, Antonio. How's it going? <b> </b><b> </b> (Antonio crosses over to George, and gives him a hug) <b> </b><b> ANTONIO </b> Three nights ago, a gas main beneath the restaurant exploded, killing five people in my section, including the busboy who replaced me. If I am not fired <b> </b><b> </b> that night because of you and your thoughtless, stupid, insensitive remarks, it would have been me. You saved my life. (Hugs him again) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Trying to be modest) Ah, come on.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The intercom buzzes) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Into the intercom) Yeah? <b> </b><b> ED </b> It's Eddie. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's coming up. (Buzzes him in) He's coming up.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ANTONIO </b> And that very same night of the accident, while looking for Pequita, I found a job in a restaurant where they pay me almost twice what I was making <b> </b><b> </b> before - and when I returned to the apartment, Pequita, perhaps frightened from the explosion, had miraculously returned. Well, but now, I must go, for today I am <b> </b><b> </b> starting my new and wonderful job. And I am very late. Thank you, thank you, thank you all. (Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b> (Everyone ad-libs congratulations to George. Then, we hear a fight erupting from the hallway) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ED </b> Hey, watch were you're going. You almost knocked my head off! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ANTONIO </b> Hey, why don't you watch where you're going, okay? 'Cause you bumped into me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ED </b> Who do you think you're talking to, pal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ANTONIO </b> Hey, get your hands off me! <b> </b><b> ED </b> Go to hell! <b> </b> (Antonio screams out profanity in Spanish, then we hear them getting into a serious fight) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b> (Coffee shop) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He'll get another job. He's a busboy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It won't for a while. At least not until after the cast comes off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was that fall down the stairs. That's what did it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's not how it happened. It's when he fell on him with his knee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, that was awful. Poor Antonio. (Waiter hands Elaine two bags of food to go) ..Thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, much longer? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Till when - till he goes back to Seattle, or till he can feed himself? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Not wanting to make Elaine mad) I guess it's not important. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Take care of yourselves. (Leaves) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I should probably get going too. If I don't feed Pequita by seven, she goes all over everything.. take it easy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah.. (Takes a bite of his sandwich as the waiter starts cleaning off the table) How ya doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> First of all, I can't believe that people actually do fight. People have fist fights in life. I can't really believe that we have boxing either. It's really kind of an <b> </b><b> </b> amazing thing. To me, the problem with boxing is - you have two guys having a fight that have no prior argument. Why don't they have the boxers come into the ring <b> </b><b> </b> in little cars, drive around a bit, have a little accident? They get out, "Didn't you see my signal?" "Look at that fender!" ..Then you'd see a real fight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Busboy Script

1991-09-18

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE NOTE </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. "Oh, is he good?" "Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best." They can't all be the best. <b> </b> There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes, where are these doctors? Is somewhere, someone saying to their friend, "You should see my doctor, he's the worst. Oh yeah, he's the worst, he's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him. <b> </b> He's just, he's a butcher. The man's a butcher."? And then there's always that, "Make sure that you tell him that, you know, you know me." Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor. What is it, "Oh, you know Bob! Okay, I'll give you the real medicine. Everybody else, I'm giving Tic-Tacs." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry is getting a massage.) <b> </b><b> JULIANNA </b> ...And usually for lunch I'll have a salad, and for dinner, I eat <b> </b> whatever I want. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you think the worst part of being blind is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JULIANNA </b> Excuse me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, if you were blind what do you think the worst part of it would <b> </b><b> </b> be? <b> </b><b> JULIANNA </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food. <b> </b><b> </b> How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be feeling around <b> </b> with my lips and my tongue. <b> </b><b> JULIANNA </b> Well that's how my five-year old eats. He's a very picky eater. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in <b> </b> Pennsylvania? <b> </b><b> JULIANNA </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He was at a carnival with his mother. She goes to get a hot dog, next <b> </b> thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone. <b> </b><b> JULIANNA </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that. And <b> </b> these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy, I could be one <b> </b> of these people. <b> </b><b> JULIANNA </b> Have you seen any good movies? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who takes care of your boy during the day? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JULIANNA </b> We have a woman. Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No no. I'm just saying. <b> </b><b> JULIANNA </b> She had references. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable. I'm talking about the <b> </b> ones that forge them. You know I think this is really helping. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JULIANNA </b> I don't live near here, ya know! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry, Elaine and George are at Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So she's giving me the massage and I'm just making conversation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't like to talk during a massage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Neither do I, but I do it for them. I figure they're bored. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I do that too. I feel guilty about getting the pleasure. I feel <b> </b> like I don't deserve it so I talk. It stops me from enjoying it. There's <b> </b> nothing to eat in here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! I forgot to tell you-- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm in the middle of a story. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, go ahead. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why don't you ever go shopping? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not like it's a really funny story or anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well so she mentioned that she had a son, and the for some reason I <b> </b> launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, wasn't that terrible? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, it was. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not even an apple. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She doesn't want to hear that, that was stupid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know it was stupid. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really stupid. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I just said it was stupid. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about this leftover Chinese food? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Take it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe you said that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, would you stop it already? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, what did she say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, she actually seemed to get a little paranoid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is terrible. What is this, ginger? I hate ginger. I can't <b> </b> understand how anyone can eat ginger. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I have a good masseuse you could go to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, she's really good and she's not just a masseuse, she's a physical <b> </b><b> </b> therapist. There's a big difference. She uses the ultrasound, it's a real <b> </b> medical procedure. In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's covered by <b> </b> insurance. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Physical therapy is covered by insurance? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't have to pay for the massage? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not if you have a doctor's note. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So where do you get this note? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I've never actually done it but if I really wanted to I could <b> </b> probably get one from my friend Roy, the dentist. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right, your friend Roy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's the name of this physical therapist? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll tell you, but don't ask her anything about her kid, she a little <b> </b> off. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And you don't have to pay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Elaine are at the physical therapist's office. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We have three-o'clock appointments. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> George and Elaine, right? Could you fill these out for me <b> </b> please? And Elaine, you'll be seeing Julianna, and George, you'll be with <b> </b> Raymond. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, did you say 'Raymond'? <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But, uh, Raymond is a man. <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> That's right. <b> </b> George sits down slowly, letting this sink in. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't get a massage from a man. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, are you crazy? I can't have a man touching me. Switch with me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I don't want the man either. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's the difference, you're a woman. They're supposed to be touching <b> </b> you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He'd just be touching your back. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He'd just be touching your back too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, it could get sexual. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. That's the point. If it's gonna get sexual, it should get <b> </b> sexual with you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I wouldn't be comfortable. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I would? What if something happens? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What could happen? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What if it felt good? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's supposed to feel good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't want it to feel good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Then why get the massage? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Exactly! <b> </b> A man walks up dressed in white. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> I'm Raymond. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> Are you ready? <b> </b> George gets up cautiously and walks with Raymond. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George is on the table getting a massage from Raymond. George appears extremely <b> </b> uncomfortable. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> ...And then Julianna asked me if I wanted to join her here in the <b> </b> office. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> I used to be a flight attendant. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh boy. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> Ya know, why don't you open those pants, it's gonna be a lot easier <b> </b> that way. <b> </b> George loosens his pants, Raymond grabs them and yanks then down his hips then <b> </b> starts massaging his lower back. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> So what do you do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> I said, 'What do you do?'. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> You don't know what you do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nah. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> Oh, come on. Hey, you're very tense. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Coffee. Too much coffee. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> Okay, just take off those pants now, I'll work the hamstring. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, the hamstring's fine. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> But you wrote that it was tender. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I wrote. Pfft, *I* wrote. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> I'll check it out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> Yeah, take 'em off. <b> </b> George gets up to remove his pants, he looks over and sees Raymond rubbing his <b> </b> hands with oil. Nervous, George pulls his pants down and climbs back on the <b> </b> table. As soon as Raymond touches his leg, George becomes rigid with <b> </b> discomfort. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> How did you hurt this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> You don't know? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> But you just told me-- <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Korea. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> You hurt it in Korea? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> The hamstring. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Korea. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> How? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hamstring. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> How did you hurt the hamstring? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hotel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine is in the waiting room, George walks out very slowly, he appears <b> </b> positively shell-shocked. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How'd it go? George? <b> </b> George walks right out the door, ignoring Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No appointments at all? Because my neck is still tight. What about <b> </b> Thursday? And Friday? Oh boy. Okay, thanks anyway. <b> </b> George enters acting nervous. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's with you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> A... </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, A...? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A man gave me... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, a man gave you...? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A man gave me... a massage. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So he... had his hands and, uh, he was... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He was what?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He was... touching and rubbing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's a massage. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And then I took my pants off. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You took your pants off? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> For my hamstring. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He got about two inches from... there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think it moved. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Moved? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It may have moved, I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sure it didn't move. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It moved! It was imperceptible but I felt it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe it just wanted to change positions? You know, shift to the other <b> </b> side. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, this was a move. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, so what if it moved? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's the sign! The test; if a man makes it move. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's not the test. Contact is the test, if it moves as a result of <b> </b> contact. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think it's contact? It has to be touched? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's what a gym teacher once told me. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Donuts. You know, I looked in there <b> </b> and there he was having coffee and a donut. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Joe DiMaggio? In Dinky Donuts? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Joe DiMaggio. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry, if Joe DiMaggio wants a donut he goes to a fancy restaurant <b> </b> or a hotel. He's not sitting in Dinky Donuts. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well maybe he likes Dinky Donuts. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't even like to sit next to a man on an airplane 'cause our knees <b> </b> might touch. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter in little tiny filthy <b> </b><b> </b> smelly Dinky Donuts. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut like everyone else? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He can have a donut, but not at Dinky. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't even like to use urinals, I've always been a stall man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look I'm telling-- (he does a double take and looks at George) I'm <b> </b> telling you, that was Joe DiMaggio. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe, he's in Dinky Donuts. What about <b> </b> this doctor's note? Let's go see your friend Roy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I never said I'd do that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you talking about, that's seventy-five bucks! I'm not <b> </b> working, I can't afford that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know how I feel about it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, what are you, like, a Quaker now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A stall man, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Jerry are in Roy's office. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...so we were just kinda wondering if it was possible for you to write <b> </b> us a note, and if you can't, believe me, it's fine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He didn't say he can't. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, if you feel funny about it at all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He doesn't feel funny. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If he does. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you feel funny? He didn't say anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He feels funny. You don't have to do this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He knows that! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Roy, should we go? Is this a breach of our friendship? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, can you be any more dramatic? <b> </b><b> ROY </b> Don't be ridiculous. (Notices George looking at a poster on the wall) <b> </b><b> </b> Holyfield. He's a good friend of one of my patients. He's got a hell of a <b> </b> body, doesn't he? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How would I know? <b> </b><b> ROY </b> Do you like him? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you mean, like him? <b> </b><b> ROY </b> Do you like him? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I mean he's a good fighter and a nice guy but I don't like him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROY </b> How come you don't like him? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why should I? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is the matter with you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing, why? You think something's wrong? Am I different? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROY </b> So, you want the notes? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't have to, really. <b> </b><b> ROY </b> Nah nah, it's ok. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We should probably get one for Elaine, too, right George? (turns to <b> </b> George, who is staring intently at the Holyfield poster) George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what about the week after? No appointments at all? (Jerry tries <b> </b> to sit down on the couch, but Elaine is too close to the end and he has to <b> </b> squeeze in between her and the arm to sit down) Can I at least just talk to her <b> </b> so I can apologize? Forget it. (Hangs up) I can't believe this, I make one <b> </b> innocent comment about some lunatic in Pennsylvania and I'm cut off. This woman <b> </b> is insane. (Looks at Elaine for a moment) What's with you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you were too close to me, I was all scrunched in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, you scrunched me. I sat down here first. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh huh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Joe DiMaggio? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Joe DiMaggio, you know this time I went in and sat down across from him <b> </b> and I really watched him. I studied his every move. For example, he dunks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Joe DiMaggio dunks his donut? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, he's a dunker. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why couldn't he be a dunker? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And nothing diverts his attention. Like, I'm uh, you know, like I'm <b> </b> sitting in there, you know. And I start banging on the table, you know, to uh, <b> </b> look up, you know, Like I'm sitting there you know and uh, *bang* (slams the <b> </b> table) You know, *bang* He wouldn't move. So then I start doing these yelping <b> </b> noises. Like, *yip* (high pitched yelping noises) *yip*. No reaction because <b> </b> the guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything that's going on <b> </b> around him. See, that's how he played baseball. He dunks like he hits. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So then what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, then the waitress, she comes up and she tells me to shut up or <b> </b> they're gonna throw me out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why didn't you just call out his name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George enters, his pants are ripped at the knee. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened to you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> One of those kids called me a Mary. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was jumping over a puddle and for some reason I went like this. <b> </b> (George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion) They called me a Mary. So I <b> </b> chased them, and I tripped and I fell. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, George? What is this? (Elaine makes the same outstretched arm <b> </b> motion) What is that? No really, what is that? <b> </b> George heads for the bathroom, the phone rings, Kramer answers it, Jerry grabs <b> </b> it from him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? Oh, hi Roy. What? Oh my god, how did this happen? What can I <b> </b> do? Oh. I am so sorry. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up) That was Roy. He's under <b> </b> investigation for insurance fraud. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...just a man and not a freak, Joltin' Joe DiMaggio. Joe, <b> </b> Joe. Go, Joe... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Told me what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told you we shouldn't do it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He didn't say anything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's got a house, a family, they could take away his license. You <b> </b> should have heard him. Three notes, how stupid was that? We never should have <b> </b> got three notes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Three notes? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, you, me and George. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You got me a note? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But I got my own note. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I got a note from my gynecologist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why'd you do that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I didn't know you were getting me a note. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course I was getting you a note. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But you didn't say anything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Neither did you, that's how he got caught. We sent in four notes from <b> </b> two doctors. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How can you do that to your friend? He's got a wife, kids, and a lot <b> </b> of other stuff. Oh, yeah. <b> </b> Kramer leaves. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are at Roy's office. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Pam. <b> </b><b> PAM </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I just thought maybe I could talk to Roy. <b> </b><b> </b> Roy walks in. <b> </b><b> ROY </b> Pam, did the x-ray from Mrs. Sloan... Hi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Roy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How ya doing? <b> </b><b> ROY </b> Come on back, I have a patient but she's under. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Roy, Jerry and George are talking over a woman sleeping in a dental chair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't even know what to say. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me neither. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I knew this would happen. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me too. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean the whole thing, it's just... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tragic. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well it's not tragic. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Unsettling? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. I mean, what if the-- <b> </b> Pam walks in and interrupts. <b> </b><b> PAM </b> I hope you're both happy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not happy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me neither. I've never been happy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean I'm happy sometimes, but not now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> In college, maybe. Those were fun times. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, college was fun. <b> </b> Pam walks in again and interjects. <b> </b><b> PAM </b> You know the whole practice is in jeopardy, you know that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROY </b> Don't mind her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh please, I love her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've just met her but I'm very impressed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ROY </b> I can't understand, I've never had a problem with these notes before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the next move, what's gonna happen now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROY </b> Well, nothing really, as long as we get the physical therapist to go along <b> </b><b> </b> with our story. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? The physical therapist? Why? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ROY </b> She just has to say the complaint was related to a dental problem. <b> </b><b> </b> The woman in the chair wakes up and looks at Jerry and George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How ya doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are at Julianna's office. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. Look, I know I don't have an appointment but it's really important <b> </b> that I talk with Julianna. <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> I'm sorry, Mr. Seinfeld, she's not it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I know she's mad at me but I really have to speak with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> I told you, she's not here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't understand. <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Look, you have to leave. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second, don't you-- (Julianna walks up with her child) Hi. Hi. <b> </b><b> </b> Look, I don't know what you-- <b> </b><b> JULIANNA </b> Please! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> --but, you see, let me just talk to you for a second, see, what I did is <b> </b><b> </b> inadvertently sent an insurance-- <b> </b><b> JULIANNA </b> I treated you, so please, just get out of the office! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can't you just listen to me? <b> </b><b> JULIANNA </b> Run Billy! Run to the office and close the <b> </b> door! (to the receptionist) Call the police! <b> </b> Julianna then runs down the hall. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The police? <b> </b> Raymond the masseuse walks up. <b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> Hi George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Raymond? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine, Jerry and George are at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I mean it's only six months probation, it's a slap on the wrist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. All of a sudden, I'll <b> </b> be in the middle. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Of what? Oh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I say "Get out of here! <b> </b> What do you want? You don't belong here!" <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do they do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They talk back. They go, "Hey George, how's it going?" I say, "Get <b> </b> the hell out of here!" <b> </b> Jerry spots Kramer through the window. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, it's the K-man. (he bangs on the glass to get Kramer's attention) <b> </b><b> </b> Maybe it's time you got as different hobby. <b> </b> Kramer enters and sits at the booth. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I just came from Roy's. I threw up from the gas. <b> </b><b> </b> The three all put down their coffee cups simultaneously. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did he say anything? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No no, he's fine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my god, it's... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Joe DiMaggio. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Where? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Having a cup of coffee. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's dunking! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow. Look at him. The Yankee Clipper. Here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You see? Now that is a handsome man. (Elaine and Jerry look right at <b> </b> George) Oh please. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait, wait. *bang* (he slams his hand down on the table) *bang* <b> </b> (again) *yip* (another high pitched yelping sound) *yip* See? I told you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Closing monologue) <b> </b> What causes homophobia? What is it that makes a heterosexual man worry? I think it's because men know that deep down we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, "Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little bit, see how you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him in a sandal?'" <b> </b> <b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Note Script

1991-09-25

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE TRUTH </b> Written by Elaine Pope &amp; Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Welcome everyone to the room...Ah, the extra button....yeah ... what kind of a sicko would save these ...have them in a huge file, drawers that wide (small fingers opening imaginary drawers) Where the hell is that ... I mean is it THAT hard to get round black buttons that they have to make it into such a great thing like this? ... is it such a great jacket ... the buttons are so unique, so one of a kind, you'll never find them - they save you the trouble of knocking your brain off - and we know they're going to fall off too, that's the other thing ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> Everyone in my family's creative. And even though I'm working as an accountant <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> now I'd really like to eventually live exclusively on my pappe-ay mache-ay hats <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't understand. Paper Machay hats? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> uh uh <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What if it rains? <b> </b><b> FD </b> They're art. You hang them on the wall. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, art! <b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> It's my creative outlet. One of my passions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Any money in it? <b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> Who so belongs only to his age, references only popenjays and mumbo jumbos <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course, right. <b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> Thomas Carlisle, 1864. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tommy C. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's Apartment <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> These are the receipts from 85 and I'm going to do 86. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm sorry. I thought it was a legitimate charity. I didn't know you'd get audited <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't blame you. I blame myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, blame me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> OK, I blame you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Don't blame me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What was I supposed to do? You knew I was on my first date with Elaine. You come <b> </b><b> </b> barging in here asking me to contribute money for a volcano relief fund for krakatoa. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It was supposed to erupt. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I find the whole thing very embarrassing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know what my feelings are about this. I don't even pay taxes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, tha's easy when you have no income. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, do me a favour will ya'. If you insist o making pasta in my <b> </b><b> </b> apartment please don't put the tomato sauce on the pasta while it's in the <b> </b><b> </b> strainer. All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry smiles) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's so funny <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer dating your room mate. It's funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, it's a riot Alice. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> When do you pit the sauce on? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Any other time. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I like to strain the sauce. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And ... I could really live without the tribal music ... and the make out sessions <b> </b><b> </b> in the living room <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, Tina likes the couch. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you doing? What is all this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh he's uh, helping me sort my receipts. I'm being audited. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> O, your being auditted? What for? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very <b> </b><b> </b> boring. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> When was this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, Along long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Volcano? Really? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Something to drink? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did you think, that would impress me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got it ALL wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Like you this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Those brave Krakatoans East of Java. who sacrifice so much for so long. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Now you're being audited because of it. You see That's Karma. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, that's Krama. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, waddya' going to do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's all taken care of. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How is that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (chuckles) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> An old friend of mine, whom you may have met, George Costanza, <b> </b><b> </b> has recently become intimate with a female accountant who was formally a highly <b> </b><b> </b> placed official with an outfit known as the IRS. And as we speak, at this very <b> </b><b> </b> moment he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information. And she <b> </b><b> </b> has assured us that the matter is well within her field of expertise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why is she doing this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. It must be love. <b> </b> Monks <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't think we should see each other anymore. You're great but I'm I'm riddled with <b> </b><b> </b> personal problems. <b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> What did I do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing It's not you. It's me. I have a fear of commitment. I don't know how to love. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> You hate my earrings don't you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, <b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> And you didn't comment on the chop sticks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I love the chop sticks. I, I personally prefer a fork but they look very nice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> You're not telling me the truth. I must have done something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have a fear of intimacy <b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> Don't give me cliches. I have a right to know. What did I do wrong? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing. It's not YOU.. <b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> I want the truth. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The truth. you want the truth? It is your earrings It is the chopsticks but it's so much <b> </b><b> </b> more. You're pretentious. You call everyone by their full name You call my doorman, Sammy, <b> </b><b> </b> "Samuel" but you didn't even say "Samuel" You went "Sam - U- EL" Papie-eh Mach-eh What is <b> </b><b> </b> Papie-ay Mach-ay? <b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> Keep goin'. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I, I think I made my point. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> No, I asked for the truth. Thank you for being so honest. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can I uh, can I walk you back to work? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> I prefer to go alone. How much do I owe? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, please ... ... four dollars is f... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's Apartment <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ... if this audit had happened to me and I didn't have this woman to help <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> me I would have killed this man. I would have strangled the life out of him <b> </b><b> </b> with my bare hands <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't blame ya' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have you ever been through an audit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's hell. It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal <b> </b><b> </b> examination. I would have killed this man. Torn him limb from limb, ripped the <b> </b><b> </b> flesh right off his bones ... <b> </b> (buzzer) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> George <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come up - Ah, there he is, the man himself, George Louis Costanza. Here I am about to go <b> </b><b> </b> to the electric chair and my oldest friend is dating the governor <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My whole life has been a complete waste of time, (chuckle) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And there's so much more to go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now I know what I am supposed to do. It's so simple. <b> </b><b> </b> Tell the truth That's all. Just tell the truth <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what happened? You gave her my tax papers? ... My papers? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, oh, your papers <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened you didn't give her the papers? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. I did. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> SO? </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...I broke up with her. <b> </b> (Kramer leaves) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I broke up with her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm being audited! And you broke up with her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's OK. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm sure she'll still do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why will she still do it? She hates you now. People don't do you favors after you dump <b> </b><b> </b> them. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no. We left on good terms. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How is that possible? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because I uh, I told her the truth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, my God. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's OK. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's unheard of ... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She asked me to. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you lie! What did you tell her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I told her that she was pretentious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pretentious!? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was <b> </b><b> </b> pretentious? The IRS. They're like the MAFIA. They can take anything they <b> </b><b> </b> want <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How would you like it if someone told YOU the truth? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Like what? What could they say? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There are plenty of things to say. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Like what? I'm bald? What is it specifically? Is, is there an odor I'm not aware of? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, please. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Give me one. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You sure? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Forget it. You are very careful with money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm cheap? You think I'm CHEAP? How could you say that to me? I can't <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> believe this. How could you say that to me? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You asked me to. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You should have lied. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> HUH, so should you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> OK, wait a second, wait a second, what happened to my papers? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (ignoring Jerry) I mean I'm not really working right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When I was working I spent baby. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I know champagne, limos, cigars. WHAT happened to the papers? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She put them in her pocketbook. I guess she took them with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Pocketbook or a handbag? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that relevant? She TOOK them. Call her office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Give me the phone. (dials) Yea, Hi I would like to speak to Patrice. ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> what? ... oh really? ... oh, ok, thank you, ... (hangs up) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She never came back from lunch. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is no good. This is no good. Call her house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (dials) Hi, are you OK? no, no,.. huh, (hangs up) She hung up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. There's nothing to be worried about. She's just a little <b> </b><b> </b> annoyed right now. Tomorrow I'll personally go over there. I'll apologize. <b> </b><b> </b> I'll get the papers. Don't worry. Don't worry. (exits) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not good <b> </b> (break) <b> </b> Jerry's Apartment <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, it's a windshield. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can see that. What's it for? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I found it on the road. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah (to buzzer) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (from intercom) I just finished working out are you busy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Can you believe somebody threw this out? You know I'm going to make a <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> coffee table out of this and surprise Tina. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> wouldn't it be invisible? I mean, what, are you going to just sense it's <b> </b><b> </b> in front of the couch? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> wow <b> </b> (Elaine enters - she and Kramer avoid each other's stares) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> hell-oo <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> hell-oo <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's with you two? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You haven't told him? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tell me what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh, go ahead, tell him. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I, I saw her naked. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He saw me naked. Kramer, ... saw me naked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know, ... it was an accident. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who walks into a woman's bedroom without knocking. I want to know! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought it was a closet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Completely naked? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Completely naked. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerrryyy, How can I go on? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right. I'll tell you what. If it's going to make you feel any better you can see me naked. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer begins disrobing) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No thanks! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I want you to see me naked. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no no. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I want to show you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! Jerry! Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> OK, just a second lets not lose our heads here. Kramer you know you are always welcome in my <b> </b><b> </b> home but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned, that's another story. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer sits down picks up windshield) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ehat is this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's a windshield. It's going to be your new coffee table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, I'm going to kill myself on that thiing. You can't even see it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You'll sense it. <b> </b> (George enters slowly) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what happened? Was she there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no she wasn't. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You didn't get my papers? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I didn't. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, where is she? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A mental institution. <b> </b><b> STAND UP ROUTINE </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Why is it so difficult, uncomfortable, to be naked. It's because when you have <b> </b><b> </b> clothes on you can always kinda make those little adjustments that people like <b> </b><b> </b> to do ... you feel like you're getting it together, yeah, yeah pretty good <b> </b><b> </b> (pulling at lapels, pockets etc.) feeling good looking good But when you're <b> </b><b> </b> naked it's like it's so final you're, Well that's it. (no movements) There's <b> </b><b> </b> nothing else I can do. That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked. Cause I <b> </b><b> </b> feel it gives me something, I know I'm naked, but you know, (tugging and <b> </b><b> </b> lifting belt) I like to get pockets to hang off of the belt that would be, <b> </b><b> </b> wouldn't that be the ultimate? To be naked and still be able to do this (hand <b> </b><b> </b> in pocket) I think that would really help a lot. <b> </b><b> = </b> <b> </b> Jerry's Apartment <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A mental institution? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know what they do in there? Did you see CooCoo's Nest? They put those electrodes in <b> </b><b> </b> your head. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's not really a mental institution. It's more like a depression <b> </b><b> </b> clinic. She went out to Woodhaven and checked herself in. I'm, I'm sick over <b> </b><b> </b> this. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who told you this: <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Her roommate. I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments. But his synapses were so large, it had no effect. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know I hate to raise a crass financial concern but was there any <b> </b><b> </b> information as to the where abouts of my PAPERS! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She put them in her pocket book. She probably took them out there with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what now? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can we go out there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Woodhaven. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We could. <b> </b> Woodhaven <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm very nervous about this. I've never spoken to a mental patient before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My cousin Douglas was in a place like this one time . He came over to <b> </b><b> </b> my house for dinner. There was no soda and he went bezerk. He was screamin' <b> </b><b> </b> "where's the Pepsi, where's the Pepsi?" <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I should be in a place like this I envy this woman. Ya' get to wear <b> </b><b> </b> slippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very underrated. I <b> </b><b> </b> like it it's good. Plus they give you those word association <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> tests. I love those. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That'd be great. There's no wrong answer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Potato <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tuberculosis <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Blanket <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Leroy <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Grass <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tuberculosis <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, boy. Here she comes. <b> </b> Elaine's Apartment <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (African music is playing as Elaine enters, dirty pots and dishes are piled high in the kitchen) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, my god. <b> </b> (Kramer enters dancing with only a towel on.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b><b> KRAMER! </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b><b> WILL YOU PLEASE PUT SOMETHING ON. </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, you want some leftovers? I made some African food. There's, yambalas and uh, sambusa. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TINA </b> Kramer, are you coming back to bed? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there baby. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TINA </b> Oh, hi Elaine. (returns Elaine's ear rings) What did you think of the coffee table? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's invisible. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, is everything cool? or what? <b> </b><b> TINA </b> Yeah, you seem little bit dysfunctional. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, <b> </b><b> TINA </b> Come on Elaine. just tell us the truth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The Truth!, You want The Truth? <b> </b> Woodhaven <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> Who are you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, this is my friend Jerry. <b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> Why are you talking like that? And what do YOU want? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Want, want? What could I possibly want? Uh, I just came because I, I heard so many nice things <b> </b><b> </b> about you from George. <b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> George thinks I'm pretentious. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pretentious? Who isn't pretentious? Ha, ha, if everyone who was <b> </b><b> </b> pretentious was in a mental institution, ... uh, obviously THIS isn't a mental <b> </b><b> </b> institution. <b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> You're just trying to take it all back because you're feeling guilty I'm in here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, that's not it at all. <b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> Don't LIE George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> I'M NOT A LIER! </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, we're cool. Everything's cool (to security attendent) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just chatting. Friendly. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All righty, no reason for us to uh, raise our voices. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> I know what you said. You can't change that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What I said? I saw stupid things all the time I can't go two minutes without saying stupid things. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's one stupid thing after another. So let me ask you, when you come to one of these places, <b> </b><b> </b> what do you bring your pocketbook? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You should be the one criticizing me. I, I'm lucky to even know someone like you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> You mean that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course I mean that. I am incapable of guile. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's never guiled. You know some women keep a lot of important papers in their, uh, pocket book. <b> </b><b> </b> Like for example oh, someone else's personal financial papers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> Papers? Oh, Jerry, You're the Jerome with the tax problem. You know after that day with George I <b> </b><b> </b> got so cuckoo I threw out all your papers. So I'd love to help you but I'll need the copies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> there are no copies. <b> </b><b> PATRICE </b> So are you saying you want to continue seeing me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who makes copies? <b> </b> Elaine's Apartment <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The truth is ... I think you make ... a very nice couple. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine exits) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, <b> </b><b> TINA </b> Kramer, <b> </b> (dancing in the dark to the music) <b> </b><b> TINA </b> Here Kramer? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, lets go to the couch... <b> </b> (sound of smashing glass) <b> </b> Jerry's Apartment <b> </b><b> ( </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (on phone)Yes, I'm trying to get a copy of a receipt for a computer thatI bought there.... <b> </b><b> </b> it was 1987 ... I remember I talked to a guy - he had like a maroon sport jacket - and he might <b> </b><b> </b> have had a toupee - oh, it was a weave - ok uh, then I'll come bye ok, bye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anybody want to take a walk down to 48th street? I think I may have tracked down another receipt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't. I have to go visit Tina in the hospital. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm going to a poetry reading with PATRICE: First time poets, in a burnt out building, down by the docks, <b> </b><b> </b> Supposed to be good. <b> </b> (Kramer enter - all bandaged up. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Are you going to the hospital now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I suppose I am. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, great, great uh, we'll share a cab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're going by 48th St. You can give me a ride. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, I'm getting in on that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know you're chippin' in. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're going that way anyway! <b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I was audited last year. At first I thought well, IRS kinda sounds like Toys R Us maybe won't be so bad. Maybe they have a sense of fun about it, you know. <b> </b> But it's it's bad. It's an ordeal. And they don't do anything to keep your spirits up through the ordeal. I think they should take all your receipts and put them in one of those big Lucite sweepstake and just kinda crank it around there. You know give me a feeling like you might win something. You know what I mean? Then they can pull them out one by one and go "Oh, I'm sorry that's another illegal deduction. But we do have some lovely parting gifts for you. Jail!" <b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Truth Script

1991-10-02

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE PEN </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing suits from other centuries. My parents live in Florida, and if you go down there and you forget your bathing suits then they want you to wear one of theirs. You know how that gets? "You need trunks son? I've got trunks for you. You can wear my trunks." Fathers don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks. It's kind of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming. So I get in the water with in thing and it's like floating around me somewhere. Did you ever put on a bathing suit that you don't even know exactly where you are inside the bathing suit? You bump into somebody you know: "No I'm parasailing, I'm waiting for the boat to come back." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Florida, evening, condo of Jerry's parents) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (looking by the window) They were supposed to be here at 7:30. Call the airlines again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (searching in a kitchen drawer) What happened to the scotch tape? Who takes the scotch tape? Nobody returns anything around here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh I think that's them! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You what I'll do next time? I'll hide it so nobody can find it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine enter) <b> </b><b> ALL </b> Hi, welcome, greetings, hugs, etc. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Welcome to Florida! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi Mr. Seinfeld! (hug) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, there's the old man! (hug) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So, what took you so long? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I don't know why you had to rent a car. We would have picked you up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the difference? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You could have used our car. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't wanna use your car. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What's wrong with our car? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing. It's a fine car. What if you wanna use it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We don't use it. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What are you talking? We use it. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> If you were using it, we wouldn't use it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what would you do? You'd hitch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> How much is a rent-a-car? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. 25 bucks a day. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What? You're crazy. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Plus the insurance. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I didn't get the insurance. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> How could you not get the insurance? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We'll pay for the car. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not paying for it. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Morty. (asking him to back her. He doesn't) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> God it's so hot in here. Why don't you put on the air conditioning? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You don't need the air conditioner. So, you have your speech all ready? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not a speech. Do I have to make a speech? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Of course, they're giving a testimonial for your father. You could do your comic routines. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (ironically) Oh yeah, that will go over real well with that crowd. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (looking by the window) Ooh, you have a lake? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The lake isn't real. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> The lake is real. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Are you kidding? They built the lake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> But it's real. It's water. <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine take their luggages to the guest room) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Where are you going with those? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm gonna put Elaine's stuff in here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Don't sleep in there. You can you use the bedroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't take your bedroom. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I'm up at 6 o'clock in the morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't kick you out of your bed. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We don't even sleep. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ma. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> But this is sofa bed, you'll be uncomfortable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Morty) What about you? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Why should I be comfortable? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Helen) What about him? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Don't worry, he's comfortable. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Will you stop? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I'll just stay in here. (goes in the guest room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (asking Jerry to go in the kitchen so Elaine won't hear) Jerry. You don't have to stay on the couch on my account. The two of you could stay in there together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No that's not such a good idea. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well I tought that... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not now. She's right inside. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (quieter) What happened? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. We decided we don't really work as a couple. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What does that mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well... <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (comes to the kitchen and with a loud voice) Why are you whispering? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Shh! Nothing, nothing. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Elaine... <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (still loud) What about her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (tries to explain to Morty but Elaine then comes out of the guest room to get more luggages, so he fakes a conversation) ...but you know, look at the sun-dried tomatoes. Where were they five years ago? It just goes to show you. You never know what... huh (waiting for Elaine to go back in the guest room) you know... huh... What could happen to a vegetable. It could just take right off at any time. (Morty finally gets it. So Jerry goes on quieter) We've tried all kind of arrangments, but we can't seem to be friend when we sleep together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (Morty goes on louder! Did he ever whisper in any episode? :-) Why do you need more friends? You've got plenty of friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He's an idealist. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What the hell are you looking for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm looking. That's the point. I like looking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He likes looking. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So look. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> But how long can you look? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm going for the record. <b> </b> (Morty walks away with a face like he disagrees with Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You know your father wouldn't say so but he's really glad you came. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, come on. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> This is a big thing for him. Outgoing president of the condo association. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> this is Jack and Doris, neigboors) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Aha! <b> </b><b> DORIS </b> So they arrived safely. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (to Jerry) You remember Jack and Doris? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nice to meet you. This is Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. Nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> So Jerry, you came all the way down here for this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And scuba diving. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're going scuba diving. We'll be back in time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What do you have to go scuba diving for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> For fun. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> For fun? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Jack have some spong cake. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> No. thanks, no. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Jack is emceeing tomorrow. He's in charge of the whole thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> So Jerry, your mother told me you're gonna do one your little comedy skit tommsorow? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> No? Listen Morty you wanna settle up for last night? (Morty nods) All right. I owe you 19.45$ (he gets his checks book and a pen from his pocket). <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What did you have? You had the minute steak? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Did you have a coke or what? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> I did NOT have a coke. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Somebody had a coke. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh I had a coke. <b> </b><b> DORIS </b> And I had the scampi. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> So that's 17.10$ and the tax and the tip. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> All right. Make it 20 bucks. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> It's: 19.45$, Morty. (he gives him the check) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b><b> 19.45$ ? </b> <b> </b><b> JACK </b> See? You know your father. He can't get a write to the penny, but that's why he was such a good president. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry notices Klompus's pen) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What kind of pen is that? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> This pen? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> This is an astronaut pen. It writes upside down. They use this in space. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow! That's the astronaut pen. I heard about that. Where did you get it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> Oh it was a gift. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Cause sometimes I write in bed and I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen works. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> Take the pen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh no. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Go ahead. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I couldn't <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Come on, take the pen! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't take it. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Do me a personal favor! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm not... <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Take the pen! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I cannot take it! <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Take the pen! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Positive! Take the pen! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> O.K. Thank you very much. Thank you. Gee, boy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jack, what are you doing? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Stop it! <b> </b><b> DORIS </b> Jack, we should go. (they go to the door) It was nice to meeting you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mmm, nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks again. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Come on! <b> </b><b> DORIS </b> (to Morty) She's adorable. (they leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (as soon as the door's closed) What did you take his pen for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What he gave it to me. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You didn't have to take it. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Oh my God! She's gotta make a big deal out of everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He offered it to me. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Because you made such a big fuss about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I liked it. Should I have said I didn't like it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You shouldn't have said anything. What did you expect him to do? (the camera shows Elaine shaking her head at their dispute) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He could have said: "Thank you, I like it too" and put it back in his pocket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He loves that pen. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Oh come on! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He talks about it all the time. Every time he takes it out he goes on and on about how it writes upside down, how the astronauts use it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If he likes it so much, he never should have offered it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He didn't think you'd accpet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, he was wrong. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I know his wife. She has some mouth on her. She'll tell everyone in the condo now that you made him give you the pen. They're talking about it right now. (againe we see Elaine smiling at their argument) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you want me to return it? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> He's not gonna return the pen. That's ridiculous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey I don't even want the pen now! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Jack can afford to give away a pen with all his money. Believe me. He gives me a check for 19.45. He didn't have a Coke. Ho, ho, ho! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Here, let me see it. (She takes a pad to try the pen) Hey, it wrtites upside down. <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (condo's guest room) <b> </b> (Elaine is lying on the sofa bed. It's too hot. She can't fall asleep) <b> </b><b> </b> (knock on door) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you O.K. in here? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why is it so hot in here? How can they sleep like this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's only for three days. Today's over and we have tommorow. We leave on Sunday. It's one day, really. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh man. What is with this bar? It's right in my back. It's killing me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh you wanna switch? I'm sleeping on a love seat. I've got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am never gonna fall asleep. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, don't say that. You'll jinx me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How can they not put the air conditioning on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're nuts with temperature. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This bar is right in my back! It's making a dent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How about that guy writing a check for <b> 19.45? </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sweating here. I'm in bed, sweating. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you substract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (condo, morning) <b> </b> (Jerry and Morty are sitting at the table, Helen is at the counter. Elaine's still sleeping? Well, she's still in the guest room.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Stay on 95 South to Biscayne Boulevard. Then you make a left turn. Put you blinker on immediatly, there's an abutment there. Then you're gonna merge over very quickly, but stay on Biscayne. Don't get off Biscayne. You understand me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stay on Biscayne. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You're going underwater? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's so special? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's so special up here? <b> </b> (Elaine open the guest room's door and she's in pain) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! <b> </b> (everybody get up and walk to her) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What's the matter? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My back. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That... That bed. The bar was right in my back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (to Jerry) I told you to let us sleep in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then YOU would be hunched over. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't even know if I can go scuba diving. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't go? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> So stay home. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Without you? That's the whole reason you came down here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Don't go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You sure? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Maybe you should see a doctor. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll stay in a hotel tonight. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (whispering to Jerry) Yes! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> No, we'll stay in there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you get a new sofa? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Nobody uses it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm buying you a new sofa. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh Jerry, don't talk crazy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mrs Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You're hot? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've lost 6 pounds. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I don't even know how to work it. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I keep telling her it's like an oven in here. <b> </b><b> </b> (Evelyn, a neighboor, enters) <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Is everybody up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. How are you? <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Hello Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Evelyn, this is Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (with pain) Hi Evelyn. <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Jerry you got thin. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Too thin? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh stop worrying so much about how you look. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> So where's the new pen? (everybody's surprised by this question) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Jerry scratches his head and acts like he's not sure what she's talking about) What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> The pen. The one Jack Klompus gave you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> How did you know that? <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Blanche told me. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Blanche? <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> That's some good pen. It writes upside down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The astronauts use them. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What did Blanche say? <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> I don't know. She said Jerry wanted the pen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I never really wanted the pen. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> He gave him the pen. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Morty. <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Why you don't like the pen? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, I... <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Cause if you don't like it, give it back to him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Is that what she said? <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Who? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Blanche. <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b> (The phone rings, Helen answers.) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Hello? Oh hello Gussy. What? Jerry wouldn't do that. Jack gave it to him. All he said was he liked it. I mean nobody put a gun to his head. (to Jerry) You're giving him back that pen. (She continues the discussion with Gussy but we don't hear it.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Somebody please-- THE AIR CONDITIONER! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (Morty gets up) Oh! I forgot all about it. <b> </b><b> </b> (the phone conversation is over. Helen looks at Jerry.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All I said was "I like the pen". <b> </b> (Morty looks at the control panel for the air conditioner) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> How the hell do you work this thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (still the condo, later) <b> </b> (Jerry's gone scuba diving. Elaine is lying on the floor with pillows under her legs. Morty and Helen are on the couch, looking at Elaine. Helen is wearing a sweater and she's freezing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Maybe you shouldn't go tonight. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no, I wanna go. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> But your back hurts. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Maybe a couple of muscle relaxers would help. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, oh, O.K. (Helen holds her sweater tight against herself) You can turn down the air conditioning if you want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> No. I'm fine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're not too cold? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> No. <b> </b> (Jerry enters with a black eye) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't be alarmed. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Oh my God! What the hell happened to you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm O.K. My capillaries burst. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Your capillaries? Do you know what you look like? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Elaine on the floor) How are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Having a good time! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is it my imagination or is it freezing in here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What happened to your eyes? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I started to go under... <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> With the instructor? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, and I got about ten feet down and I felt this tremendous pressure on my mask. Like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I told you... <b> </b> (Jack enters, all dressed-up, smoking a cigar) <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Excuse me. (to Helen) Doris would like to borrow red your pocketbook to go with her shoes. (to Elaine on the floor) The shoes have to match the pocketbook. (to the others) What's she doing? Yoga? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My back hurts. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Morty you gotta hurry up. Get ready. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> We got plenty of time. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> (to Jerry) What happened to you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> It's from scuba diving. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> What's there to see underwater? <b> </b><b> </b> give him back the pen) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Listen M. Klompus, it was really a nice gesture of you to give me the pen, but I don't really need it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> You what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean it's a terrific pen, but I think you should keep it. (he tends the pen to Jack) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> Well I mean... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Take it. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> All right! (he smiles and take it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Morty gets up and walks right to Jack) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You know Jack, you've got a hell of a nerve taking that kid's pen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> Whose pen? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> His pen. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> This happens to be my pen. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You didn't give it to him. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> What are you talking about? He pratically begged me for it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Where do you come off with this crap? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> Listen, do you think I take everything everybody offers me? You offered me sponge cake yesterday. Did I take it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You said you didn't want it! <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Then who the hell said you couldn't have any? I mean what the hell do I care whether you have sponge cake? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine can't beleive what they're hearing) <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the scotch tape! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Ahh! Ahh! So YOU got the scotch tape! I've been looking all over for it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> Don't worry about it! I'll give it back! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I don't want it! <b> </b><b> JACK </b> I don't want it! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You know Jack, do me a favor will you? Take the pen and the scotch tape, and get the hell out of here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> Listen do you think I give a damn? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Aah! (Jack leaves) The nerve of that guy! Taking back that pen. Well that'it for them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is going on in this community! Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humudity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I have no use for either one of them. I don't even want them there tonight. (she still has the pocketbook in her hands) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Isn't he supposed to be the emcee? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> yeah, he's supposed to be the emcee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well. This should be a very interesting evening. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (still on the floor) Uh... What about those muscle relaxers? <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (reception room, evening) <b> </b> (Morty, Helen, Elaine and Jerry are standing for a photograph in the entrance. Jerry wears sunglasses and Elaine is all drugged-up on muscle relaxers.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> PHOTOGRAPHER </b> Say astronaut. <b> </b> (Elaine is laughing for nothing and she walks right up to the lens of the camera.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Say what? (laughing) Say what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Jerry brings her back) You took too many of those pills. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Astronaut? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Say it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (still laughing, she says it just as the picture is taking) Astro...naut! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (the image frozes and we see that the picture is awful, with Jerry and his sunglasses, and Elaine laughing who can barely stand.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Good. O.K. (the photographer walks away) What about last year when I took him to the hospital every day? Did he ever say thank you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh God. (foreseeing an arm's grabbing as he sees Uncle Leo entering with his wife Stella) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Leo) Uncle Leo. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Hello! <b> </b><b> STELLA </b> Morty are you nervous? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What nervous? <b> </b><b> LEO </b> (to Jerry while he's grabbing his arm as usual) What's with the sunglasses? Who are you? Van Johnson? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've got a black eye. <b> </b><b> STELLA </b> (to Elaine in a childish voice) Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, this is my aunt Stella. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (shouting as she imitates Marlon Brando) <b> STELLA! STELLA! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Stella) Her back hurts. <b> </b><b> STELLA </b> Humm... We saw you on "The Tonight Show" last week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> I thought Johnny was very rude to you. He didn't even let you talk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> You need some new material. I've heard you do that dog routine three times already. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (still with her imitation, shouting even louder) STELLA! STELLA! <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> Listen, you should get your cousin Jeffrey to write some material for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What are you talking? Jeffrey works for the parks department! <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> You should read the letters he's written. He's funnier than the whole bunch of you! (Jack enters with Doris) Oh, here's Jack. We should sit down. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jack and Morty exchange a look.) <b> </b><b> STELLA </b> (to Helen on a sarcastic tone of voice) This better be good. I'm missing "Golden Girls" for this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (laughing hypocritically till Stella walks away) I hate her like poison. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "Jack let's get started!" Everyone applause and we see, from left to right, all sitting on the same side of a long table, facing the public: Stella, Leo, Elaine, Jerry, Helen, Morty, Jack at the microphone, Doris, and four other people.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> (on the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, every year, Phase Two of the Pines of Mark Gables honors the previous year president. And this year we are honoring Morty Seinfeld (the crowd applause and someone yells: Morty!) A man who slept more hours on the job than Ronald Reagan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (to Helen) Slept on the job? (she shushed him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> Being president of the condo is not easy. It requires hard work, dedication, and commitment, and unfortunately he possesses none of these qualities. (everyone laugh except Jerry, Helen, and Morty. Even Elaine who's still druggy) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (Morty complains again to Helen) He's joking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> His administration did excel in one department: the hiring of incompetents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (to Jack, loud) That's what you say. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> But we do owe him a debt of gratitude because by not fixing the crack in the sidewalk, he put Mrs Ziven out of commission for a few weeks. (Morty is now the only one not laughing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (loud) Tell them when you took my son's pen back. Tell them about that! (he gets up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Dad! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (to the crowd) He gave my son a pen, and then he takes it back. Tell them about that! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> He gave it to me! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Come on. That's enough, sit down! <b> </b><b> JACK </b> I'm not sitting down! <b> </b> (they start to fight. Morty tries to get the microphone off Jack' hands. He yells to Jack to give him the pen. Jerry gets up and tries to separate them. We hear a feedback from the microphone and they stop to fight) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> Ow! You broke my dental plate! (Jack is touching his dental plate while Morty reaches in Jack's pocket to get the pen) Doris! He broke my dental plate. You son-of-a-bitch! I'm gonna sue you. (he leaves the table and Morty follows him and continue arguing with him. Jerry now have the microphone in his hands and the crowd begins to think the ceremony is over.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry, do your act. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (in the microphone, but to Helen) I can't. Nobody's even listening. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> They're all gonna leave. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to himself) Oh God! (in the microphone) huh... Hey! How you folks doing tonight? (everybody in the crowd is talking over Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN IN THE CROWD </b> Who are you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (still with his sunglasses) Have you ever noticed how they always give you the peanuts on the planes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN IN THE CROWD </b> (to heckle Jerry) Not my Harry. He flies first class. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine is almost asleep at the table) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who ever thought the first thing somebody wants on a plane is a peanut? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN IN THE CROWD </b> I'd rather have a bottle of scotch! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (to Jerry) Do the dog routine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All I said was I liked the pen! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (wakes up and yells very loud) STELLA! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Everybody stops talking and put their hands on their ears) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (condo, morning) <b> </b> (Elaine is sitting on the couch and a chiro is examining her. Jerry's sitting next to her. Helen is standing beside them and Morty is still asleep in the guest room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHIROPRACTOR </b> You could aggravated. I wouldn't go anywhere for at least five days. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Five days? You want me to stay here for five more days? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There must be some mistake. <b> </b><b> CHIROPRACTOR </b> I'm afraid not. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (discouraged) Five days. Here. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (to Jerry, happily) So we have you for five more days! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Elaine) Well there's really no point in me staying. I mean you just gonna be... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Excuse me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing. <b> </b> (Evelyn enters) <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Good morning. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Evelyn. <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> (to Helen) Has Morty decided on a lawyer yet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Because my nephew Larry could do it. He's a brilliant lawyer. He says Jack has no case. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I'll ask him when he gets up. <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Oh, and I spoke to Arnold. And he says that according to the bylaws of the condo constitution, they need six votes to throw you out for unruly behavior. Not five. Doctor Chernov is the one you'll have to suck up to. <b> </b><b> </b> (Morty gets up in a bad shape) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Aw! Aw! Oh my back! Oh my back! It's that bar. Who the hell could sleep on that thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I was very comfortable. <b> </b><b> EVELYN </b> Morty, Arnold says they need six votes to throw you out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> It's in the constitution. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (to the chiro) Who are you? <b> </b><b> CHIROPRACTOR </b> I'm a chiropractor. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What are you kidding me? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to Jerry) Five more days? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well today's almost over. And weekdays always go by fast. Friday we're leaving. It's like two days really. It's like a cup of coffee. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (night club, closing monologue) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Pen Script

1991-10-09

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE DOG </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> So I'm on the plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to be making up some <b> </b> time in the air. I thought, well isn't that interesting. We'll just make up <b> </b> time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when <b> </b> they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the <b> </b> aircraft. Now, my question is if you can go faster, why don't you just go as <b> </b> fast as you can all the time? C'mon, there's no cops up here, nail it. Give it <b> </b> some gas! We're flying! <b> </b> New scene. Jerry is on an airplane, seated beside a talkative (and inebriated) <b> </b> man. <b> </b><b> GAVIN </b> Travelling, of course, is the best education. Do you know last year I <b> </b> was in over forty, forty-five countries, and I would have gone to more but I had <b> </b> just got a puppy, and he was too young to take with me. But now I won't travel <b> </b> without him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is he on the plane now? <b> </b><b> GAVIN </b> Oh yes. Yes, he's in the, he's in the baggage compartment. I don't <b> </b> know why they won't let him sit up here with me. He's a lot better behaved than <b> </b> most of the dregs you find onboard here. Do you, do you have any pets? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, just my next door neighbor. <b> </b><b> GAVIN </b> You're missing out on a relationship that could enrich your life in ways <b> </b><b> </b> that you never could have thought possible. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Howbout picking up their, you know. You find that enriching? <b> </b><b> </b> Gavin leans back in his seat wearing a pained expression. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the matter? <b> </b><b> GAVIN </b> Oh, I'm feeling a bit queasy. <b> </b> Cut to external shot of the plane in flight, then back into the cabin where <b> </b> flight attendants are tending to Gavin, who is lying on the floor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT #1 </b> Sir, we're gonna make an emergency landing in Chicago and get you <b> </b> to a hospital. <b> </b><b> GAVIN </b> My dog. What about my dog? <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT #1 </b> Uh, you have a dog? <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT #2 </b> Do you know anyone on the plane, Mr. Palone? <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry stares out the window. <b> </b><b> GAVIN </b> Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Huh? How you feeling? <b> </b><b> GAVIN </b> Would you take care of Farfel? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Farfel? <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT #2 </b> It's his dog. We're landing in Chicago to get him to a hospital, <b> </b> could you take his dog to New York? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The dog? The dog?? <b> </b><b> GAVIN </b> I'm sure it's only for a day or two. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But, you know, what if, you know? <b> </b><b> GAVIN </b> Give me your address and phone number, I'll call you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The dog? <b> </b> New scene. Jerry's apartment, he's got all of his furniture up and there's a <b> </b> loud incessant barking coming from the bedroom. Jerry and Farfel are playing <b> </b> 'tug of war' with one of Jerry's sneakers. Elaine is in the kitchen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let go, Farfel! Let go, gimme that! Gimme the sneaker you stupid <b> </b> idiot! Shut up! (to Elaine) So what would you do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well it's only been three days, I'm sure he's gonna call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> STOP IT! SHUT UUUUUUP!!! (to Elaine) Do you believe this? <b> </b> Do you believe what I'm dealing with here, I've got a wild animal in the house! <b> </b> He's deranged, maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> If only. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at this place. He's going everywhere, I can't go out of the house <b> </b> at night. I haven't performed in three days. This'll be my first night out of <b> </b> the house since I got back. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, when you walk him, do ya... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do I what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you pick it up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, I pick it up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You pick it up?!? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you have to. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, boy would I love to see that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> SHUT UP!! Shut up Farfel, stop it! (to Elaine) I don't know what to <b> </b> do. I mean what if I take it to the pound then the guy shows up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe you should call the airline, they might know where he is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I tried. they don't know anything. (notices Elaine making egg <b> </b> creams) You gotta put the syrup in first. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, milk. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm telling you the guy's a drunk, he's probably on a bender. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is a bender anyhow? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, they drink and they bend things at the bar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe he hasn't called. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his <b> </b><b> </b> dog Cujo. Shut up! One more day and you are pound bound! <b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sorry, I can't watch the dog tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We're going to the movies, we're gonna see Prognosis Negative. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I can't, I gotta get this Ellen out of my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're breaking up? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh ho ho ho yeah, the sooner the better. I can't wait to do it. You <b> </b> know how there's some people you worry about whether you're going to hurt their <b> </b> feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to get it on video, <b> </b> watch it in slow motion and freeze frame it. Oh ho, yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, I don't know how you lasted as long as you did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Woah, you didn't like her? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> If you could see her personality it would be like one of the Elephant <b> </b><b> </b> Man exhibits, you know where they pull off the sheet and everyone gasps. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe someone hasn't killed her yet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How come you never said anything? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't tell someone how you feel about their girlfriend until after <b> </b><b> </b> they stop seeing them. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I tell you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You. I'm talking about people. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are we still going to the movies tonight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I can't I gotta watch Farfel, you and George can go without me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just me and George? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But we need you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you need me for? <b> </b> Jerry's buzzer buzzes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because... Yeah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Prognosis Negative! <b> </b> Elaine buzzes George into the building. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because I relate to George through you, we're like friends-in-law. <b> </b> Besides, you said we were gonna see Prognosis Negative together. Can't you just <b> </b> put some newspapers down or something? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I can't trust him, he gets insane. I won't enjoy myself. That's <b> </b> right, Farfel, I'm talking about you! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just me and George alone? <b> </b> George enters. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let's go, people, let's go! It's Prognosis Negative time, wa ha ha <b> </b> ha!!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can't go, Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because I have to watch idiot Farfel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I thought Kramer was watching. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's breaking up with his girlfriend tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well so what's the problem, you just put some newspaper down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't want that smell in the house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You spritz a little Lysol on it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's like BO and cologne, they combine forces into some kind of <b> </b> strange mutant funk. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So we're not going? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah. You two go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. You still wanna go? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If you want. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's up to you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Go ahead. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, it's, I really wanted to see Prognosis Negative with Jerry, uh, <b> </b> you wanna see Ponce de Leon? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ponce de Leon? Okay. (to Jerry) You sure you don't wanna go? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I want to but I can't. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! I tell you what. How about if I come back here first and I clean <b> </b> everything up and I open up the windows and if you're still not satisfied we can <b> </b> switch apartments for the night. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about this-- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Forget it. Go ahead, you'll have a good time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know, it's not that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's just we want you to go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, thank you very much. I'm telling you, one more day stinkbreath! <b> </b><b> </b> On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking <b> </b> along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of <b> </b> human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think <b> </b> the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a <b> </b> poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge? <b> </b><b> </b> New scene. George and Elaine are at the coffee shop after seeing Ponce De Leon. They're <b> </b> obviously uncomfortable alone together. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So how long did you live there? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> About three years. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's pretty long. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hmm. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's not that long, really. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. An uncomfortable silence ensues. They both speak at the same <b> </b> time, then stop. Another silence. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And then you came here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. So I've been here about six years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight, <b> </b><b> </b> eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one... Yup. <b> </b> New scene. Jerry vs. Farfel, part II <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bad dog! Bad dog! You go outside! Outside!! What do you want from <b> </b> me? Tell me! Money, you want money? I'll give you money, how much?! <b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Kramer is breaking up with his girlfriend. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I must have been out of my mind. Look at you. Why don't you do <b> </b> something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to <b> </b> society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? <b> </b> Couldn't respect myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Monk's, Elaine and George are as bored as before. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I like herbal tea. <b> </b> Elaine yawns. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Chamomile's good. Lemon Lift. Almond Pleasure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry likes Morning Thunder. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry drinks Morning Thunder? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Morning Thunder has caffeine in it, Jerry doesn't drink caffeine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry doesn't know Morning Thunder has caffeine in it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't tell him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. And you should see him, man, he gets all hyper, he <b> </b> doesn't even know why, he loves it! He walks around, going, "God, I feel <b> </b> great!" <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't tell him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That is so funny! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait, have you ever seen him throw up?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> They both make the same convulsive gestures together and break out in more <b> </b> laughter. <b> </b> New scene. Kramer has had a change of heart. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Please! Please!! I take it all back, everything! I take it all back, <b> </b> every word! I love you! I love *you*! I can't live without you, I'll do <b> </b> anything! <b> </b> New scene. Jerry's at his apartment, on the phone, Farfel is barking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's right, Gavin Palone. What? Are you sure? He was released on <b> </b> Monday? *Last* Monday? Did he leave a phone number or address? Unbelievable. <b> </b> Well thank you, thanks, thanks very much. (Hangs up) That's it, Farfel! <b> </b> Party's over! Start packing up your little squeeze toys buddy boy, you're <b> </b> checking out! <b> </b> New scene. Jerry and Elaine are cleaning Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It was weird because George and I get along so great in so many <b> </b> situations but this is the first time we ever really went one-on-one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, one-on-one's a whole different game. Can't pass off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The only time it wasn't uncomfortable was when we were making fun of <b> </b> you. <b> </b> Jerry (answering phone) Hello? Aha! Boy George, about time. Beautiful, how <b> </b> soon? Okay, here's the plan. We take the dog to the pound, we go right to the <b> </b> movies. Right, you, me and Elaine. Yes, all three of us. I am going. Okay, <b> </b> see you in five minutes. <b> </b> Jerry hangs up the phone and begins singing and dancing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Going to the dog pound, everybody! Going to the dog pound, come on <b> </b> down. (To Elaine) What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you have to? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What am I supposed to do? I don't want to do it. I like dogs. I'm not <b> </b> sure this is a dog. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, the guy might have just lost your number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm in the book and I have a machine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound? They keep them <b> </b> there for a week and then if nobody claims them, they kill them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? How late are they open? <b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I went back with Ellen. <b> </b><b> JERRY AND ELAINE </b> Ohhhhh, that's great. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Terrific. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I really think you guys are good together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, she understands you and she is not demanding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do you think that I forgot what you two said about her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was just trying to be supportive, you know. I knew you were upset. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> From now on when we pass each other in the hall, I don't know you, you <b> </b><b> </b> don't know me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Kramer, we didn't mean it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm getting my pot. <b> </b> Kramer grabs a put from under the counter and walks out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, we like her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer? What did we say that's so bad? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I believe I referred to her personality as a potential science exhibit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I said, "How come no one's killed her?" Probably shouldn't have said <b> </b> anything, everyone knows the first break-up never takes. (answers buzzer) <b> </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Prognosis Negative! <b> </b> Farfel begins barking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, Farfel, put your shoes on. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, can't you just give it one more day, it's not his fault. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not my dog, I don't know where this boozehound is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, I tell you what. How about if you and George go to the <b> </b> movies, and I stay here and watch the dog tonight. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't let you do that, what about Prognosis Negative? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We'll see it Sunday. <b> </b> George enters. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tonight's the night, right? Prognosis Negative? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm not going, I'm gonna watch the dog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What does this mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, we'll go see something else tonight. We'll see, uh, Ponce De <b> </b> Leon. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is with this dog, I thought we were taking it to the pound. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She talked me into one more day. Talk amongst yourselves, I'm gonna go <b> </b> to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh Jerry, how long will you be in there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, regular human time? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh why don't you wait then go in the movies? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why shouldn't I go here? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you know, I mean, sometimes it's good to get there and make sure <b> </b> you get your seats and then go to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And isn't it more fun using the urinal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, urinals are fun. Can I go?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, go. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who's stopping you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, are you doing me a favor? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Like we care if you go to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and George, left alone together are obviously uncomfortable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How's it going? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Good. Good. You? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Things are good. <b> </b> After a pause, George starts whistling, then picks a chew toy off the floor and <b> </b> squeezes it towards Elaine, making a squeaking sound. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Boy, he takes such a long time. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know what he does in there? He gargles. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry gargles? Is that why he takes so long? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, he does it like six times a day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How come we never hear him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because he does it quiet. He does it quiet. Lookit, Just like this, <b> </b> watch. <b> </b> Elaine gargles some water and they both break out in laughter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait, wait, did you ever see him throw up?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We talked about that already. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. <b> </b> New scene. Jerry and George are in line outside the Cine 66 theater. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have nothing to say to anybody. I'm so uninteresting. I think I'm <b> </b> out of conversation. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what are calling me six times a day? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All I know about is sports. That's it. No matter how depressed I get, <b> </b> I could always read the sports section. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I could read the sports section if my hair was on fire. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Know what? Ponce De Leon is sold out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It is? Oh yeah, you're right. What else is playing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing except Prognosis Negative. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, I know she really wants to see that with me. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Elaine and Farfel are playing 'tug of war' with a jacket. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Gimme the jacket, furface, this is not Seinfeld you're dealing with! <b> </b> When I get through with you, you'll be begging to go to the pound! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The phone rings, Farfel begins barking. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shut up. Shut up! (Answers phone) Hello? No, who's calling? Oh my <b> </b> god, the dog guy. Where have *you* been? Yeah, well you better pick up your <b> </b> dog tonight or he has humped his last leg. <b> </b> Cut back to Jerry and George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I mean, I could understand if there was something else playing, but <b> </b> it's this or nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know what to do. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is this 'saving movies' thing? Something's playing, you go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, I know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, what? We're gonna do nothing now, this is crazy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It is kind of silly. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course it is. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, it's just a movie, for god's sake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Exactly. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not like she's *in* the movie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Am I supposed to ruin the whole night because she wants to see it? I <b> </b> mean, if I could have seen it with her, fine. But I can't control all these <b> </b> circumstances and schedules and peoples' availabilities at movies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And she'll still see it, you're not stopping her from seeing it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How does sitting next to a person in a movie theater increase the level <b> </b><b> </b> of enjoyment? You can't talk during a movie. You know, this is stupid, c'mon, <b> </b> let's just go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Saving movies. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ridiculous! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Two for Prognosis Negative. I'm in trouble. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, you're dead. <b> </b> New scene. Jerry's apartment, Gavin has come to collect his dog. Farfel is <b> </b> barking as loud as ever. <b> </b><b> GAVIN </b> Bell's Palsy. The entire side of my, of, of my face was paralyzed. <b> </b> Farfel! I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't even feed myself, I was completely <b> </b> incapacitated. Quiet Farfel! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know it's interesting, because I called the hospital and they said <b> </b><b> </b> you were released on Monday. <b> </b><b> GAVIN </b> Yes, yes, that's true, but then I was taken to the Bell's Palsy Center <b> </b> in, in, in, in Rockford. Absolutely first rate facility, top notch physicians. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, c'mon, c'mon, get off me! <b> </b><b> GAVIN </b> He won't hurt you, he's just playing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey you keep that mutt away from me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GAVIN </b> Mutt? I'll wager his parents are more pure than yours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> Kramer, are you coming? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hi Ellen. <b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> Get in here. <b> </b> Kramer sulks off. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Listen, it's really been a pleasure taking care of your dog for a week, <b> </b><b> </b> but if you don't mind... <b> </b><b> GAVIN </b> Pre-prediction. You'll be calling me to ask if you can come and visit <b> </b> him before the month is out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Prediction. I never see you or him again for the rest of my life. <b> </b><b> </b> Farfel barks very loudly and pulls Gavin into the hallway and out of Jerry's <b> </b> apartment. <b> </b> New scene. Jerry and Elaine at in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We made plans. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't we just rent a movie? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought you wanted to see Prognosis Negative. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's supposed to be really bad, *really* bad. I mean it's long, <b> </b> there's no story, it's so unbelievably boring, I heard. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, you promised me we'd go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, George told me the whole story, line for line, I mean I almost <b> </b> feel like I've seen it already and walked out on it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wait, George saw the movie? I saw him yesterday, he didn't mention it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You and George got together? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I wanted to talk about how we have nothing to talk about. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. <b> </b> Kramer, Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's up? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you were right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> About what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ellen. We, uh, broke up again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Too bad. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought she was the one. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll bring back the pot. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, c'mon it's movie time. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, what are you gonna see? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Prognosis Negative. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, that's supposed to be great. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How do you know? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have an instinct for these things. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> I had a parakeet when I was a kid, that was the only pet that I really enjoyed. <b> </b> We used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around and my mother had <b> </b> built, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored. She felt this gives you <b> </b> a feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior design principle that a <b> </b> mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of a jerk <b> </b> walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole nother room in there. <b> </b> There's a guy in there looks just like me." But the parakeet will fall for <b> </b> this, you'll let him out of his cage, he flies around the room, BANG! With his <b> </b> little head, he would just go 'click' Ohh! And I'd always think, even if he <b> </b> thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Dog Script

1991-10-16

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE LIBRARY </b> Written by Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> (JERRY'S APARTMENT) </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me speak with the head librarian. ... Because it's absurd. An overdue book <b> </b><b> </b> from 1971? ... This is a joke right? What are you? From a radio station? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> enters <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya' got me I fell for it. Alright, OK I can be down there in like a half hour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Bye. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's the problem? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This you're not goin' to believe. The NYPL says that I took out Tropic of Cancer <b> </b><b> </b> in 1971 and never returned it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do you know how much that comes to? That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's <b> </b><b> </b> going to be $50,000 <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It doesn't work like that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> If it's a dime a day it could be $100,000 <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not going to be anything. I returned the book. I remember it very vividly <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> because I was with Sherry Becker. She waore this orange dress. It was the first time I <b> </b><b> </b> ever saw her in a dress like that. In oticed since ninth grade she was developing this <b> </b><b> </b> body in secret under these loose clothes for like two years. And then one day ... <b> </b><b> </b> FLASHBACK (to a beautiful buxom young Becky in an orange dress) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That orange dress is burned in my memory <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, memory burn. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I wonder what ever happened to her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How did they ever find you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, computers, they're cracking down now on overdue books. The whole thing is <b> </b><b> </b> completely ridiculous. <b> </b> (buzzer) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's George. Wait 'til he hears we're going to the library <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know I never got a library card. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to speaker) Coming down. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting around reading <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks Trying to save a quarter, ooh, <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I gotta go to the library. You want to go? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, <b> </b><b> LIBRARY </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The Dewey Decimal System, what a scam that was. Boy that Dewey guy really cleaned <b> </b><b> </b> up on that deal. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where's George <b> </b><b> READER </b> Shhh. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Tryin' to save a quarter. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I kinda like those sticks. I'd like to get them for my house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TURNING TO LIBRARY COUNTER </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This woman's completely ignoring me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship.. ... Spinster. <b> ... </b><b> </b><b> </b> Maybe a virgin. ... Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was <b> </b><b> </b> a boy It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. <b> </b><b> </b> She needs a little Kramer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Eventually a little shot of penicillin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LIBRARIAN </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes I called before. I got his notice in the mail. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIBRARIAN </b> Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, Uh, this case has been turned over to our <b> </b><b> </b> library investigation officer Mr. Bookman. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually, Bookman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIBRARIAN </b> It's true. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named, Cone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIBRARIAN </b> Lt. Bookman has been working here for 25 years so I think he's heard all the jokes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can I speak with this Bookman? <b> </b><b> LIBRARIAN </b> Just a second. <b> </b><b> GEORGE ENTERS, FRANTICALLY, TUGS AT JERRY'S JACKET </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think I saw him. I think it's him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you see the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obsenities and doing some <b> </b><b> </b> calesthetics routine <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> yeah <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think that's Mr. Hayman. ...The gym teacher from our High School. <b> </b><b> </b><b> READER </b> Shhh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (whispers) Are you sure? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's older, completely covered in filth, no whistle, but I think it's him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George got him fired. He squealed on him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooh tattle tale <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (yells) I didn't tattle <b> </b><b> READER </b> Shh Shh <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What did this guy do? What happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There was an incident. I'd rather not discuss it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh come on, You can tell me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Some other time. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What tonight? <b> </b><b> LIBRARIAN WALKS BY </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Y'know I never figured you for a squealer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, he sang like a canary. <b> </b><b> LIBRARIAN </b> Mr. Bookman's not here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not here? Why was I told to come down here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIBRARIAN </b> He'll be out all afternoon on a case. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what am I supposed to do now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LIBRARIAN </b> I'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right Thanks. Come on lets go <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let's see if it's Hayman? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, uh, I'll see you boys later. (TURNS TO LIBRARIAN) So uh, what's a guy got to do <b> </b><b> </b> around here <b> </b> to get a library card? <b> </b><b> PENDANT PUBLISHING OFFICES </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where's Karen? <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> She went to pick up lunch. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She didn't ask me what I wanted. <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> She must have forgot. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How could she forget I've been ordering lunch every day here for 3 and a half years? <b> </b><b> </b> Is there something you're not telling me because I'm getting a really weird vibe. <b> </b><b> </b> Is Lippman getting rid of me? It's OK I won't say anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> I don't know anything. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, you don't know anything. You see, "I don't know anything", means there's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> something to know. If you really didn't know anything you would have said "You're crazy." <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN ENTERS </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hi Mr. Lippman. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Elaine, <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, uh, I was wondering if you got a chance to look at that , um, biography of <b> </b><b> </b> Columbus, I gave you? <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Yes I did. Yes I did. ... Maureen this water is still too cold. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's freezing. ... Hurts your teeth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AT MONKS </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm tellin' ya' somethin' is goin' on. He never likes anything I recommend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> And then that lunch thing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So they forgot to get your lunch. Big deal! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you know. You've never worked in an office. (TURNS TO GEORGE) See, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you've worked in an office. Jerry thinks I'm over reacting but you understand, ... LUNCH! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't understand lunch, I don't know anything about lunch. Listen. Just because <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum - does it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did he do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying, "Costanza" He'd say, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "Can't stand ja". <b> </b> "Can't stand ja" ... He made me smell my own gym socks once. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. And the straps <b> </b><b> </b> were hangin' down by his ,... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> OK, OK, I never even had him for gym. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I had him for Hygene. Remember his teeth. It was like from an exhumed corpse. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Little baked beans <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Echh <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come on tell me what happened. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, OK. As I said the guy had it in for me. He actually failed me in gym. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ... ME! </b> <b> </b><b> FLASHBACK TO HIGH SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ... Those spastic shnitzer twins ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HEYMAN </b> Can't stand ja ... Can't stand ja <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, Mr. Hayman <b> </b><b> HEYMAN </b> Your underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HEYMAN </b> Boxer shorts, ha? Well what brand? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not really sure, I... <b> </b><b> HEYMAN </b> Well let's take a look. <b> </b><b> </b> gets a wedgie) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BACK TO MONK'S </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He gave me a wedgie. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He got fired the next day. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why do they call it a wedgie? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because the underwear is pulled up from the back and ... it wedges in.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They also have an atomic wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> waistband on top of the head. Very rare. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Boys are sick. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what do girls do ? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We just tease some one 'til they develop an eating disorder. <b> </b><b> </b> guy who ruined his life. <b> </b><b> KRAMER ENTERS </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey Babaloo, you better get home. You know this guy Bookman from the library <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> he's waiting for ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STANDUP ROUTINE </b> <b> </b> What's amazing to me about the library is it's a place where you go in you can take <b> </b><b> </b> out any book you whant they just give it to you and say bring it back when you're done. <b> </b><b> </b> It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everbody had when they were a little <b> </b><b> </b> kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's <b> </b><b> </b> what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend. And that's why everybody <b> </b><b> </b> kinds of bullies the library. I'll bring it back on time ... I'll bring it back late. <b> </b><b> </b> ... Oh, what are you going to do? Charge me a nickel? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY'S APARTMENT </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you like a cup of tea? <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> You got any coffee? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Coffee? <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> Yeah. Coffee. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't drink coffee. <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't have-- <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> You don't have any instant coffee? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I don't normally-- <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> Who doesn't have instant coffee? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't. <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you <b> </b><b> </b> forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts <b> </b><b> </b> forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried Crystals. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? I'll have to remember that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> You took this book out in 1971. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, and I returned it in 1971. <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. <b> </b><b> </b> Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of <b> </b><b> </b> his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But <b> </b><b> </b> you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Library, fella. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very <b> </b><b> </b> specifically. <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> You're a comedian, you make people laugh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I try. <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> You think this is all a big joke, don't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't. <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity <b> </b><b> </b> that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Certainly not. <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, <b> </b><b> </b> the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean <b> </b><b> </b> anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're <b> </b><b> </b> thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without <b> </b><b> </b> libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change <b> </b><b> </b> the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right <b> </b><b> </b> now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees <b> </b><b> </b> and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week! <b> </b> (Marion sneaks into Kramer's apartment behind Bookman's back as he opens Jerry's <b> </b><b> </b> door to leave) <b> </b><b> KRAMER'S APARTMENT </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's wrong? <b> </b><b> MARION </b> It's Bookman the library cop. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So I didn't do anything wrong. <b> </b><b> MARION </b> I'm supposed to be atwork. I could get fired. I shouldn't have come here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why don't ya' leave? <b> </b><b> MARION </b> I can't. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S DOORWAY </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No way I'm payin' that! I returned that book I n 1971. I have a witness <b> </b><b> </b> Sherry Becker. She wore an orange dress. She gave me a piece of black jack gum. <b> </b><b> </b> It's a licorice gum. What do ya' think of next I remember it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (thinks out loud, opens phone book) Becker, ... Becker, ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> IN MONKS WITH SHERRY </b> <b> </b><b> SH </b> Kevin went to a public school, he's the 14 year old? We were gonna' send Marsha <b> </b><b> </b> to a private school. Cause in some way they don't learn ... enough ... I think. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So Sherry, what do you remember about that day at the library? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SH </b> I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a Friday afternoon. I wore a purple dress. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Purple? Ya' sure it wasn't orange? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SH </b> Positive. And I was chewin' Dentyne. I always chewed dentyne. Remember Jerry? Dentyne? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No Black Jack? <b> </b><b> SH </b> Licorice gum? Never! We were reading pasages to each other from that Henry Miller book, <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tropic of Cancer. <b> </b><b> SH </b> No, Tropic of Capricorn <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tropic of Capricorn? <b> </b><b> SH </b> Rememba? What holds the world togetha' ... "As I have learned from bitter experience <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> is sexual intercourse ." <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second. Wait a second. You're right. I had both of them. <b> </b><b> </b> We read from TROPIC OF CAPRICORN. I was all set to return TROPIC OF CANCER. And then ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> FLASHBACK TO LOCKER ROOM </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok, I'll see you after school. I.m late for Hayman's hygiene. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BACK TO MONKS </b> <b> </b><b> SH </b> Where ya' going? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was nice seeing you again. I just remembered something. I've got to go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (to old man that enters) <b> </b> It was GEORGE! <b> </b><b> LIBRARY </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Read another poem. <b> </b><b> MARION </b> Pressed chest fleshed out west Might be the saviour or a garden pest. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wow, that is great. You should be published. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, the library is kind of a cool place when it's closed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARIAN </b> Oh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet. Listen to the echo: HELLO! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> HELLO! </b> <b> </b><b> MARIAN </b><b> HELLO! </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> HELLO! </b> <b> </b><b> MARIAN </b><b> HELLO! </b> <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> Hello! <b> </b><b> MARIAN </b> Mr. Bookman. <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> I remember when the librarian was a much older woman: Kindly, <b> </b><b> </b> discreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private life. <b> </b><b> </b> We didn't want to know anything about her private life. She didn't have <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> library closes at five o'clock, no exceptions. This is your final <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> warning. Got that, kewpie-doll? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY'S APARTMENT </b> <b> </b> (Jerry in bedroom) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Lippman want's to see me in his office SEE ME! That can't be good <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe you're getting' a raise. <b> </b> (buzzer) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe I'm getting' a wedgie. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's George <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George is on his way up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait 'til I tell him about the book. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (reading) sobs <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you OK? What? What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's marion's poetry. I can't take it (leaves sobbing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Remember that biography I recommended? <b> MY BOSS HATED IT </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry enters). <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm right here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Remember that Columbus book? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Columbus, Euro trash. <b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it's definetly him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Him? Him who? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Him who? Hayman him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hayman The gym teacher? You found him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I found him. He was sitting on the steps of the library. I sat down <b> </b><b> </b> next to him. He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That was double overtime. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So I said, "Mr. Hayman, It's me george Costanza, JFK, ... " He doesn't move. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> So I said uh, "Can't stand ya'", "Can't stand ya'" He turns and smiles, the little <b> </b><b> </b> baked bean teeth. I get up to run away, but something was holding me back. It was <b> </b><b> </b> Heyman. He had my underwear. There I was on the steps of the 42nd St. library , <b> </b><b> </b> a grown man, getting a wedgie. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> At least it wasn't atomic. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It was. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So Georgie Boy, guess what happened to TROPIC OF CANCER <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How should I know? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because I gave it to you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yesah, think. Don't you remember you kept begging me to see it then finally <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I agreed. You were supposed to return it. I met you in the gym locker room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The locker room! <b> </b><b> THE LOCKER ROOM </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it tomorrow, no problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, I'll see you after school. I.m late for Hayman's hygiene. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HEYMAN </b> Can't Stand Ya'. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes Mr. Hayman. <b> </b><b> HEYMAN </b> Your underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HEYMAN </b> Boxer shorts, ha? Well what brand? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not really sure, I... <b> </b><b> HEYMAN </b> Well let's take a look. <b> </b> (George gets a wedgie and TROPIC OF CANCER falls on floor) <b> </b><b> LIBRARY </b> <b> </b> ( Jerry writes out a check for the never-returned TROPIC OF CANCER and hands it to Bookman) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? Y'ever have a man <b> </b><b> </b> die in your arms? Y'ever kill somebody? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is your problem? <b> </b><b> BOOKMAN </b> What's my problem? Punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not <b> </b><b> </b> screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a <b> </b><b> </b> pitbull on a poodle. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (after Bookman exits): That is one tough monkey! (turns to Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b> So you were saying? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh? So, I took your suggestion and I gave my boss Marion's poems. <b> </b><b> </b> The ones that affected Kramer so much. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, beautiful did he like them? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, ... he didn't! No, ... he didn't! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) Was he out there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Na, he's gone. I wonder what happened to him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess we'll never know. <b> </b><b> SOME BACK ALLEY </b> <b> </b><b> HEYMAN </b> Can't stand ya, (laughing) Can't stand ya. (pan to TROPIC OF CANCER on ground) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STAND UP </b> <b> </b> It was a weird school day, you know what I mean because it kind of like started of kind <b> </b><b> </b> of normal. You have like English, Geometry, Social Studies and then suddenly you're like <b> </b><b> </b> in Lord of The Flies for 40 minutes you know you're hangin' from a rope. You have hardly <b> </b><b> </b> any clothes on. Teachers are yellin' at ya' "Where's your jock strap?" Ya' know and kids <b> </b><b> </b> are throwin' dodge balls at you. You're tryin' to survive ... Then its History, <b> </b><b> </b> Science, Language. There's something off in the entire flow of that day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Library Script

1991-10-30

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE PARKING GARAGE </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> INT. ESCALATOR - GOING DOWN TO A GARAGE. </b> <b> </b><b> IN SINGLE FILE </b> GEORGE, JERRY and ELAINE, WHO'S CARRYING <b> A PLASTIC BAG WITH GOLDFISH, AND KRAMER </b><b> WHO'S HAVING A ROUGH TIME WITH A LARGE, </b><b> HEAVY BOX. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> One left...what a joke. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You can have this one. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, that's not enough BTUs for my living room...That was a complete waste of time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, I didn't get one either. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is what people do. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No they don't. They're out on some big picnic. They're cooking burgers. They're making out on blankets. They're not at some mall in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air-conditioner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You should see what my father used to go through before he bought a car. He'd go from state to state. He was away for weeks at a time. It was like he was running for President and he was going through the primaries. We'd get phone calls from motels in New Hampshire. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So we took a little ride. What's the big deal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well at least you accomplished something. You got fish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Big accomplishment. GEORGE Fish. What do they do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (RE: CAR) It's this way. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What time is it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Five o'clock. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Always late. Always late. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not late. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I told them to meet me in front of my building at six-fifteen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My parents. It's their anniversary. I'm taking them out to dinner and a show tonight. You think we'll hit traffic? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course we'll hit traffic. It's rush hour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Isn't it going the other way? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There is no other way in New York. Everybody goes every way all the time. <b> </b><b> </b> ELAINE But it's Saturday. JERRY You got the picnic and burger traffic. GEORGE I always get myself in this position. Can't be on time. Gotta rush. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND. </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's the matter? <b> </b><b> HE MUMBLES SOMETHING AND CONTINUES WALKING. </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have to go to the bathroom. Why do they hide the bathroom in these malls? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER STUMBLES WITH THE AIR-CONDITIONER. </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You want me to help you with that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, I got it. <b> </b><b> AND HE STUMBLES AGAIN. JERRY SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (TO GEORGE, RE:WOMAN) What do you think, Georgie boy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did I need that pointed out for me? What is that going to do for me? How does that help me, to see her? I'm trying to live my life. Don't show me that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> If you like her, go talk to her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, right. I'll just go up and say, "Hi, how ya' doing? Would you like a glass of white wine?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Before you got within twenty feet of this woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button. She's like an expensive car with one of those motion-sensor force field alarms. Any sudden movement in the area could set her off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She's fat. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh she's fat? <b> </b><b> KRAMER STOPS AGAIN, CONFUSED. </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where's the car? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought it was here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't know where we parked? <b> </b><b> KRAMER LOOKS AROUND, THEN RESUMES WALKING. THEY FOLLOW. </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, this is great. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Blue-one. I thought it was blue-one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought it was green. I remember seeing green. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I didn't pay attention. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is just what I need. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sure it's right around here. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It looks familiar. I remember the elevator. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There's elevators all over! It all looks the same. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's over there. I know where it is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NOW JERRY TAKES THE LEAD AND THE OTHERS FOLLOW. </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's black, right? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Dark blue. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You come to a parking lot, you write it down. How hard is that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There it is!...No, no that's a Toyota. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THEY STOP... </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hmmm...I thought it was... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Didn't we come in over there? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought it was over there. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How long can fish live in one of these plastic bags? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> About two hours. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You'd better find this car. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's this way... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I really have to go to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why don't you go behind one of these cars? J <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY SHOOTS HIM A LOOK. </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why? Nobody's around. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll wait. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know when you hold it in like that you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers. They hold it in all the time. Eventually it starts coming out involuntarily. JERRY Alright. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a six hundred million dollar a year industry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe I should just go anytime I get the urge like you...wherever I am. There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANGLE ON ELAINE AND GEORGE... </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There it is!...No that's not it. <b> </b><b> A CAR SCREECHES AROUND A CURVE, ELAINE IS UNNERVED. </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, watch it. ...Did you see that car? Maniac. Can you explain something to me? I got six questions wrong on my drivers test. That's the maximum. I read the book, I'm a college graduate. This is a country where fifty percent of its high school students can't locate Europe on a map. How are they all passing that test? It's a mystery. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...Six wrong? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Those school zones are a killer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Will you let me help you with that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm gonna put it down behind that car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HE DOES SO. </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not worried somebody's gonna pee on it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Pink eleven. Remember that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh I got it. (TO JERRY) That I'm supposed to remember. Where the car is, that's insignificant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (LOOKING AT FISH) I think they're laboring. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look at this place. It's huge... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can tell you this. If I am not in front of my house at six-fifteen, when my parents get there, they will put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a show, "Make sure you hang on to your jacket." <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where the hell is this car, Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's got to be here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why are they using so many colors? And the numbers go up to forty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe it's not on this level. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There are four different levels. Maybe we're on the wrong level. How long was the escalator ride up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It felt like a couple of levels. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You should always carry a pad and pen. GEORGE I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I have a pen. <b> </b><b> THEY REACT... </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where was the bathroom in this mall? There are six-hundred stores, I didn't see one bathroom. What is this, like a joke? They finished building the mall and they go, "Oh my god, we forgot the bathrooms." <b> </b><b> </b><b> MOTHER </b> Don't you dare talk to me like that! You hear me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look at that woman. <b> </b><b> SHE'S HITTING HER BOY ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD. </b> <b> </b><b> MOTHER </b> I told you! I don't care! You'll have to wait. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, is that necessary? <b> </b><b> MOTHER </b> Why don't you mind your own business? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think hitting a defenseless child is my business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KID </b> You're ugly. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...What? <b> </b><b> KID </b> You're ugly. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You are! <b> </b><b> KID </b> You are! <b> </b><b> THE KID GETS IN THE CAR. GEORGE IS STUNNED. </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I should've hit the little son-of-a-bitch. I can't stand kids. Adults think it's so wonderful how honest kids are. I don't need that kind of honesty. I'll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (RE CAR) I found it! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's got it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh...no. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, that's it. From now on no more calling out they found it, unless we're sitting in it. Okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, look at my fish. <b> </b><b> JERRY HOLDS UP THE BAG AND HITS IT WITH HIS FINGER. </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> His eyes look a little cloudy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh are they gonna be furious. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who's got the tickets? GEORGE I do. (TO KRAMER) I thought you knew this mall. You said you'd been here before! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It was easy the last time. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My fish are dying right in front of me! We have to get someone to drive us around the parking lot to help us look for the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No one's going to do that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE SPOTS A FORTY-ISH, STYLISH COUPLE WALKING TO THEIR CAR. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Excuse me, we can't seem to find our car. I was wondering if it would be possible if you're not in a hurry, to drive us around the garage for five minutes so we can look. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN #1 </b> ...Sorry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Five minutes. <b> </b><b> MAN #1 </b> Can't do it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We're not wilding. <b> </b><b> THEY LEAVE. </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Excuse me - I can't seem to find my car - do you think you could drive me... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THEY START LAUGHING. </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh that's funny? Is that funny? Well tell me if you think this is funny - These fish are dying! They're gasping for oxygen right now! They'll be floating in an hour. Is that funny too? <b> </b><b> </b><b> THEY IGNORE HER AND KEEP LAUGHING. CUT TO JERRY AND KRAMER. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Those are really ugly sneakers. Where did you get those? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Right here at the mall. <b> </b><b> BACK TO ELAINE, SEEKING OUT A MAN WITH A BEARD. </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Excuse me... <b> </b><b> HE IGNORES HER AND KEEPS WALKING. </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sorry to have disturbed you. Terribly sorry. But the fish will be dead. You do know that. They can't live in plastic. That's not me talking, that's science. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CUT TO JERRY AND KRAMER. </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. All I have to do is walk into a department store and it's like some kind of horse laxative just kicked in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You drank a whole bottle of water. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So why don't you just go? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I can't. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Don't you get tired of following rules? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You think I'm too cautious? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why be uncomfortable if you don't have to? It's organic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Organic. So's Buddy Hackett. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Buddy Hackett? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's a comedian. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. All right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (pointing) You can go over here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can manage. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (turns away and spots George) George! (leaves scene) <b> </b><b> </b> KRAMER It'll take you ten seconds. <b> </b><b> HE NUDGES JERRY. </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, okay. I'll be right back. <b> </b><b> WE STAY WITH JERRY AS HE WALKS TO THE BACK OF A CAR, LOOKS AROUND </b><b> LIKE SUPERMAN, THEN LETS FLY. HE FINISHES, ZIPS UP, THEN TURNS </b><b> AND SEES A SECURITY GUARD STARING AT HIM WITH HIS ARMS FOLDED. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Okay, let's go. Come with me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But... <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Come on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...Kramer <b> </b><b> INT. SECURITY GUARD'S OFFICE </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Well you're still not allowed. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> That's up to you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you don't care if I die. <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was life and death. <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Uh huh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place. You want to call the Department of Social Services? Oh, it's Saturday. They're closed today. My luck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> You can tell the police all about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. PARKING GARAGE - GEORGE, KRAMER, AND ELAINE. </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Unbelievable, I'm never gonna get out of here. The guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science fiction story. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe he went to one of the other levels. I'll go look for him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh now you're gonna go? ELAINE I'll be back in five minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If you go now, I know what's gonna happen. We'll find the car, Jerry will show up, and then we'll never find you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, I'll be back. <b> </b><b> SHE LEAVES. </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh what's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Does that bother you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Not at all. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> See now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, cause it's people like you who live to be a hundred and twenty because you're not bothered by it. How could it not bother you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I once saw this thing on T.V. with people who are terminally ill. And they all believed the secret of life is just to live every moment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah. I've heard that. Meanwhile I'm here with you in a parking garage, what am I supposed to do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. SECURITY OFFICE - JERRY AND THE SECURITY GUARD. </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> First of all you don't even know technically that I went. That's for starters. I mean I could've been pouring a bottle of water out there. You don't know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> I know what you did. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh really, do you? Well it just so happens that I did pour water out. I had a bottle of very tepid water and I poured it out. And I could see how you made a mistake, because pouring water out sounds very much like a person urinating. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And you know when you think about it it's really quite an amusing case of mistaken identity. That's all it is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Yeah I'm sure. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know this is not the first time this has happened to me. I always carry water because of my condition. It dehydrates me. It's a vicious cycle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. PARKING GARAGE - ELAINE, LOOKING FOR JERRY. </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And now he's gone. I'm sure he's looking for the car. Five minutes, that's all. I just want to find him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN #1 </b> I can't do it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But why? Why can't you do it? <b> </b><b> MAN #1 </b> I can't. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN #1 </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But why? Why don't you want to? <b> </b><b> MAN #1 </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN #1 </b> No, I wouldn't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> INT. SECURITY SHACK - JERRY (A NEW TACK) All right, all right. I want to apologize. I was frightened, I said crazy things. I obviously offended you. I insulted your intelligence. The uromysitisis, the water bottle...I made it all up, and now...I'm going to tell you the truth. Today my father and mother are celebrating their fiftieth, well I'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh wedding anniversary. We made arrangements to spend the evening together. They are supposed to be in front of my building at six-fifteen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What I haven't told you, or anyone else for that matter, is that my father's been in a Red Chinese prison for the past fourteen years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. PARKING GARAGE - GEORGE AND KRAMER, STILL LOOKING FOR THE </b><b> CAR. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The guy's got a fat fetish. Spector never dates a woman under two hundred-fifty pounds. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What does he do with all that fat? Does he just jump up and down on it? Does he gouge it like Killer Kowalski? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who's Killer Kowalski? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He was a wrestler. He would grab hold of someone's stomach and just squeeze it until they gave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've gotta go to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Here? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You and Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. SECURITY OFFICE - GEORGE BEING LED IN BY THE SECURITY GUARD. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't you believe me? It's their fiftieth anniversary. You know this is gonna kill him. You're aware of that. Kill him. On the biggest night of his life... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Oh your folks have an anniversary today too? Was he also in a Red Chinese prison? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A Red Chinese prison? <b> </b><b> INT. PARKING GARAGE - KRAMER, WANDERING AIMLESSLY. </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George! George! <b> </b><b> INT. PARKING GARAGE </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. PARKING GARAGE </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what happened was my father was staying in the home of one of Red China's great military leaders, General Chang, who by the way came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken. You know, the one with the red peppers and orange peel at Szechwan Gardens? GEORGE Sure, I have it all the time. Very spicy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well General Chang was a very flamboyant man. A complete failure as a general, but a helluva cook. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry! JERRY Elaine?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry! Over here... <b> </b><b> NOW THEY SPOT HER. </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where have you been? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was arrested for urinating. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me too. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have uromysitisis. It's very serious you know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look at my fish... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is he... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, but he's not looking good... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Please, we can't find our car. Please drive us around the parking lot to find our car. My fish are dying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN #2 </b> Can't do it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can see not caring what happens to us, we're human. But what about the fish? The fish? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN #3 </b> Sorry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's right, go. Go home to your dumbbells. Work on your pecs. I'm really impressed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's right you heard me. You got a problem with that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine, shut-up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, where's Kramer? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. (TO ELAINE) Where's Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought he was with you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> See, I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look at the time, that's it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Have we looked over there? Have we checked that side? GEORGE We came in over there! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We didn't come in over there! JERRY Where's Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey George, there she is again. ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what do you want me to do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ask her to drive us around. There's your opening. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That is an opening. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me...I really... What's happened is that my friend forgot where he parked and if you're not in a big hurry, we'd really appreciate it if... <b> </b><b> </b><b> AMY </b> Oh sure, I'll drive you around. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You will? <b> </b><b> AMY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> GEORGE WAVES FOR JERRY AND ELAINE. </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thanks a lot. I'm really late. My parents are waiting in front of my building and we're stuck here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AMY </b> I wouldn't want to get lost in here. It smells like a toilet. People are such animals. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Filthy pigs. <b> </b><b> THEY ALL GET IN THE CAR. </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a blue Honda... <b> </b><b> AMY </b> This has happened to me too. It's very frustrating. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, I'm Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> AMY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's very nice of you to do this. I've asked several people and they wouldn't even answer me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AMY </b> I'm happy to do it. (TO GEORGE) I'm Amy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi Amy, I'm George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. PARKING GARAGE </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't mean anything by it. I don't even know L. Ron Hubbard! I didn't know you were... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...with that group. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about my fish? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, those Scientologists. They can be pretty sensitive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll say. <b> </b><b> THEY TURN TO GEORGE, WHO'S GAPING AT SOMETHING. </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The car! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The car! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The car! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We found it. I can't believe it! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, Kramer's not here...I knew it. I knew it! I knew this would happen. (SCREAMING) Kramer! Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> INT. PARKING GARAGE - ONE HOUR LATER </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, over here. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Boy I had a helluva time finding that air-conditioner. I looked everywhere. I completely forgot where I hid it. You know where it was? GEORGE Purple <b> 23. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Right! Purple 23. I could've used you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sometimes it's good to have a pencil to write these things down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What time is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Seven forty-five. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well at least there's no traffic. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What time does that play start? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Eight o'clock. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That might be a problem. (TO ELAINE) Where's your little bag of... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY INDICATES HE SHOULDN'T PURSUE THAT. </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh...(TAKES OUT PARKING STUB) Boy this garage is going to cost a fortune. You know how long we were here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Parking Garage Script

1991-11-06

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE CAFE </b> Written by Tom Leopold <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> There's always that one location, one store location that's constantly changing hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood, it's a leather store, it's a yogurt shop, it's a pet supply. It's constantly changing and nobody can do business there. It's like some sort of Bermuda triangle of retail, you know? Stores open up and then they just disappear without a trace. Nobody knows what happened to 'em. I guess eventually when like aliens land in mother ship of close encounters, bottom will slowly open and all these store owners will come wondering out in a daze going 'I thought there would be more walk-in traffic didn't you?.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Jerry are standing outside in the street. Across the street there is a restaurant called Dream Cafe. Sign says Grand opening.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women don't like nice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is amazing, I haven't seen one guy going in to that restaurant since it opened. Poor guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why is nice bad? What kind of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's that smell? What are you wearing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Little cologne. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Manly. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Monica wants me to wear it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So why didn't you say no? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm too nice. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Poor guy. His family is probably in Pakistan waiting him to send back money. This is horrible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She wants me to take an IQ test. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's because you're stupid enough to wear the cologne. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, she's taking this course in education for her masters. It's part of her research project, I have to be a guinea pig. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've never been a guinea pig. I've been a sheep, a tody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, I can't talk to you anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, you're taking the IQ test. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, and she's going to find I'm a moron. You know, people think I'm smart, but I'm not smart. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who thinks you're smart? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not going to break a hundred in this thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What thing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't listen when people talk to you anymore! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, the IQ thing...yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sure I have a low IQ. I've been lying about my SAT scores for 15 years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you get? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What did I get or what do I say I got? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I say fourteen o nine (1409). <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 1409, that's a good score. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're telling me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you really get? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You are my friend. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I tell you everything, right? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I hope so. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, this I take to the grave. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching Dream Cafe with binoculars and Elaine is reading a newspaper.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's serving Mexican ,Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. That's why no one is going in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why do you keep watching? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for a survival. And even if you know it's not going to make it, you kind of root it for awhile. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And then you flush. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's a spider. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, sometimes people won't go in to a place, if they don't see anyone else in there. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry pulls his sweater over his nose.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You have to do that? Jerry, don't do that, that is so annoying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bazooka Joe. <b> </b> (Buzzer rings and Jerry looks at Elaine who is closer to the door.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The buzzer. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's your house. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My house? You have to be on the lease to press to buzzer. Yeah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> INTERCOM </b> It's George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Casus belli. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's Latin. I read it in some book. I don't know, I just wanted to say it out loud. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Go in, go in! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Have you gone in there? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm afraid if we start talking, I'm gonna wind up going partners with him. <b> </b><b> </b> (George enters. He's got some bagels and big SAT book.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I could probably shoot him from here. I'd be doing us both a favor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine sniffs around.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm wearing some cologne, all right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sure, fine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Casus belli. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Casus belli. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Since when do you wear cologne? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why what I do is so important? Why must I be always the vocal point of attention? Let me just be, let me live. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, how did you do on that IQ test? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't take it yet. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What IQ test? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's casus belli. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it's nothing... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is it about me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why must you always be the vocal point of attention? Why can't you just be? Why can't you live? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's just a Latin phrase George, it does not mean anything. Now, what is this test? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This woman he's dating is making him to take this IQ test for this course. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, that sounds like fun. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, fun. IQ tests are totally bogus. They prove nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You'll do well, you're smart. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No see, he's not smart. People think he's smart, but he's not. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did you get on your SAT's? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It varies. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I don't even know my IQ. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mine's 145. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> 145! </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get out of here! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You get out of here! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You get out of here! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You should take the test for me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that would be something, cheating on a IQ test. Hey, remember in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became a legend after that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah I really had some guts back then. Why wouldn't we do that again? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You could take the IQ test for me. I could pass it to you out the window. We could do it, she lives in the first floor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you serious? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where would I take the test? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, she lives right around the corner. Take it here or go to the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, that would be too noisy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Take it to Dream Cafe, you won't hear a peep. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, what do you think? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I love a good caper. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, that's what is is, a caper. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You'll do it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What the hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeaah, beautiful...(They try to hit a high five, but George hits Elaine in the forehead.) Sorry... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Dream Cafe. Jerry comes in.) <b> </b><b> BABU BHATT </b> Welcome to the Dream Cafe. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I've been looking forward to it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> Oh, how did you hear about us? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Eh, people, people are talking. <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Smoking or non smoking? We are proud to offer both. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Non smoking would be great. <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Very good. My name is Babu Bhatt, I will be your waiter. A steaming hot face cloth for your pleasure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. (Throws the towel around like a hot potato.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> Our specials are tacos, moussaka and franks and beans. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what do you recommend my good fellow? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> Oh, the turkey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, the turkey it'll be. And may I say you have a splendid establishment here , my friend. I'm sure you flourish in this location for many many years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> You're a very kind man. Very kind, thank you. Very kind... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY THINKS </b> Very kind. I am a kind man. Who else would do something like this? Nobody. Nobody thinks about people like I do. All right, snap out of it you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. What do want, a nobel price? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George is taking a test at Monica's bedroom.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You go in the living room. I'll take the test in here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MONICA </b> But why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't concentrate in front of you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MONICA </b> Oh, I think you're making too much of this. IQ tests don't mean anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you kidding me? This is the best tool we have today of measuring a persons intelligence. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MONICA </b> Well, I certainly don't place any importance on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I think you're wrong about that. And now if you would excuse me, I would like to get started please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MONICA </b> Good luck. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't need it. <b> </b> (Monica leaves and George runs to the window where Elaine is waiting.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's been going on in there? I've been standing here for 20 minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sorry I'm sorry, here's the test. Thanks again for doing this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, what time do you want me back here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Eh, twenty to three. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ok. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thanks again. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And don't settle for 145, you can do better, you're a genius. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry is eating at the Dream Cafe. Babu fills the water for Jerry.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you Babu. You have quite a flair. You are quite the restaurateur I must say. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> It is in deed my pleasure. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, please... <b> </b> (Elaine comes in.) <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Oh, welcome to the Dream Cafe. Our specials today... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no no I'll just have a tea and toast. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> Tea and toast. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Eat something! Babu... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, ok, I'll have the rigatoni. <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Oh, very good choice. Very good. <b> </b> (Elaine is opening an envelope and is very excited.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh wow, so you got the test. You're cheating. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know. <b> </b> (Kramer comes in.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh boy. Jerry let me ask you something, hi Elaine... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> This guy leaves this jacket at my mothers house two years ago. Now, she hasn't spoken to him since and now he says he wants the jacket back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm not giving it back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because I meat a lot of women in this jacket, you know they're attracted to it. Why do you think my mother went out with him? <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer takes some nachos and spills some to Elaine's test.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, gees... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, ok...(takes the test and goes to another table.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Anyway, it's been two years. I mean isn't there like statue of limitations on that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Statute. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Statute of limitations. It's not a statue. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, statue. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Just wait a minute...Elaine, Elaine! Now you're smart, is it statue or statute of limitations? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Statute. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I really think you're wrong. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look, Kramer, I have to take this test ok, I don't have a long of time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What test? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> An IQ test. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why do you take an IQ test? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's for George. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, can I...can I explain it to you later? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why are you taking an IQ test for George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Would you please?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, is it for a job or something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Later! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're positive it's statute? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, yes! <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Welcome, welcome. A steaming hot face cloth...(gives Kramer a hot towel and Kramer screams and falls from his chair.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monica's. George is reading a New Yorker on the bed and Monica is trying to get in. The door is locked.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MONICA </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> MONICA </b> The door is locked. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, it's locked? <b> </b><b> MONICA </b> I need to get something. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Monica, I'm really focused here, this stuff's a killer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MONICA </b> George! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wish I could. <b> </b><b> </b> (Dream Cafe. Babu is singing and Elaine gets distracted.) <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Ladadeeda, laadadeeda.... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Babu! If you don't mind? <b> </b> (Babu comes to collect dishes from Elaine's table and knocks down a cup of coffee.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my God! It's all over the test! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> Oh, I'm terribly sorry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh man! Look at this...and I'm late anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> Please, forgive me, please... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Go ahead, I'll take care of it. <b> </b><b> BABU </b> I'm very sorry. Tell your friends! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's all right, she was cheating anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> You're a very kind man. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Babu, you're Pakistani? <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Yes, Pakistani, yes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Babu, may I say something? <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Of course, you're a very smart man, I'll listen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not a restaurateur by any means, but it occurred to me that perhaps you might serve some dishes from your native Pakistan? As opposed to franks and beans for example. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> But there are no Pakistani people here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Doesn't matter. You would have the only authentic Pakistani restaurant in the whole neighborhood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> Yes, you see everything, don't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, not everything. I do what I can. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> I'll close down today and when I open again it'll be whole Pakistani restaurant. Thank you, thank you very much, you're very special person, very special. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Babu leaves) <b> </b><b> JERRY THINKING </b> I am such a great guy. Who else would've gone through the trouble of helping this poor immigrant? I am special. My mother was right. Of course I've never had Pakistani food. How bad it could be? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine is giving the test back to George.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It was an accident. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What did you go on a picnic? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Babu Bhatt did it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Babu Bhatt? How I'm going to explain this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MONICA </b> Time's up George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ok. (George opens the door.) Here you go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MONICA </b> How did you do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Piece of cake. <b> </b><b> MONICA </b> What happened to the test? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? I spilled some food on it. <b> </b><b> MONICA </b> Food? What food? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> MONICA </b> Where did you get food? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> From my pocket. <b> </b><b> MONICA </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I eh, I had a sandwich in my pocket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MONICA </b> And coffee? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, had some coffee, yeah. <b> </b><b> MONICA </b> Where did you get the coffee? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where did I get the coffee? Where do think I got the coffee, from the grocery store. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MONICA </b> How did you get there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I walked. <b> </b><b> MONICA </b> How did you get out of the apartment? I didn't see you leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I climbed out the window. <b> </b><b> MONICA </b> You climbed out the window? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course. <b> </b><b> MONICA </b> Why didn't you go out the door? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The door? Why would I go out the door? The window is right here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MONICA </b> You are a fascinating man, George Costanza. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Closed for renovation.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Most people in a situation like this, they walk right by it. Not me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're very special. <b> </b> (Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, do me a favor. If some guy comes in looking for me, tell him you don't know where I am. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course, I always do. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no it's that guy. He's really been bugging me about the jacket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just give it back to him. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, he'll have to kill me. (leaves.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry sees George from the window.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Georgie! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Coming up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did you do on the IQ test?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> 85! </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What?!! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 85, Jerry! 85 IQ ! <b> </b> (Jerry laughs.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b><b> 85? </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, well, well... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's coming up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm no genius, but according to my calculations he should be here in a few seconds. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, but an 85, that's ridiculous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, maybe the test was gender bias, you know a lot of questions about hunting and testicles... <b> </b><b> </b> (George comes in looking angry.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, hello professor. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, I cannot believe... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Please... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No there has got be a mistake. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But an 85? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever he's name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY MOCKING </b> It was a madhouse. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry! It was! Let me take it again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whow, forget it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, come on, come on. I guarantee 140. What do you have to lose? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You could do worst! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, I guarantee it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, I'll ask her. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ok, now where I'm going to take it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Take it here, I'll leave, there'll be no distractions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Dream Cafe. Babu is on the window looking gloomy. Jerry comes in.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, congratulations my friend. You know, I sorry I missed the grand re-opening. I was out of town for about a week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> You see how I listened. I worked very hard, borrowed more money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think it's fantastic. Has a certain indefinable charm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> You wish to eat? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me tell you something Babu. You go back there in that kitchen and tell your chef I want the works. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> Very good. <b> </b><b> JERRY THINKING </b> Very good? No, not very good, very great. I am very, very great. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. Elaine is finishing the test.) <b> </b> (Monica's bedroom. George is pacing the room.) <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's monologue.) <b> </b> You know the IQ test has always that sample question at the beginning where they show how to fill in the circle. It should be the first eliminating point right there. Anybody goes outside of that circle, yeah you wanna come with us, yeah you're done, the test is over, you went outside the circle ok? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. Elaine finishes the test and is packing the stuff.) <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer charges in and locks the door behind him.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Quiet. Shh, don't say anything. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's going on? <b> </b><b> MAN BEHIND THE DOOR </b> Hey, Kramer! I saw you going there! I'm not leaving until I get the jacket. (Bangs on the door) Open up Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why did you come in here for? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought I'd throw him off. See, he knows where I live. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well Kramer, I have to return this test. I've got to get out of here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought you took the test. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I had to take it again. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How come? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's the difference?!! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you can't leave now. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> MAN BEHIND THE DOOR </b> Come on, Kramer! I want that jacket back! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Never! <b> </b><b> </b> (Monica's apartment. George is looking out the window.) <b> </b><b> MONICA </b> George, open up. <b> </b> (George opens the door.) <b> </b><b> MONICA </b> Well? <b> </b> (George shakes her hand.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How' you doing? <b> </b><b> MONICA </b> Where's the test? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, it's the damnedest thing. I went out the window again to get a cup of coffee... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Dream Cafe. Babu is looking as Jerry eats.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Babu? Babu...(waves Babu to come to table) Babu...you know, I got to tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just that it's a little stringy. You have any chicken? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> The shrimp is stringy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, maybe your refrigerator... <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Quiet!! You shut up! You make me change restaurant, but nobody comes! You say make Pakistani, Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant. But where are people? You see people? Show me people. There are no people! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I think I'll just take the check. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> You bad man! You very very bad man! (leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY THINKING </b> Bad man? Could've my mother been wrong? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monica's. Elaine is gently tapping on the bedroom window. Monica comes to open.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MONICA </b> Are you looking for George? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well eh, kind of.... <b> </b><b> MONICA </b> George left. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> MONICA </b> Is that the test? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, this...emm...yeah...here you go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MONICA </b> Thanks. I hope you did do a lot better this time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Actually, you know what, I think I did. The first time I couldn't really cons...(Monica closes the window)...entreat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At the street. Dream Cafe has a Closed sign on the window and men are carrying furniture out.) <b> </b> (George, Jerry and Kramer are standing across the street. Kramer has no jacket on.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know what it was, bad location. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lets not stand here, we might run in to her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aren't you cold? Where's your jacket? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm going upstairs. <b> </b> (Elaine comes.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey guys, I just ran in to Monica. You know what my IQ is? 151. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> 151? </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's a good score. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, what are you up for? How about Mexican? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Italian. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, Chinese. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, what would be great? <b> </b> (George and Elaine give Jerry a long look.) <b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> It's tough to do a good deed. Just look at your professional good deed doers. Your lone rangers, your superman, your Batman, your Spiderman, your Elasticman. They are all wearing disguises, masks over their faces. Secret identities. Don't want people to know who they are. It's too much aggravation. "Superman, thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here, I've got a security deposit. What am I supposed to do?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Cafe Script

1991-11-13

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE TAPE </b> Written by Larry David, Bob Shaw &amp; Don McEnery <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ....hair that was on your shower soap today could be in your head tomorrow. How did they do the first transplant? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Did they have the guy take a shower , get his soap , rush it in there by helicopter, you know <b> </b><b> </b> keep the soap alive on the soap support system ....looks it over. "We got the hair but I think we lost <b> </b><b> </b> the Zest." <b> </b> ....rejects the transplant with organs. <b> </b> Is it possible that a head could reject the hair transplant . Guy just standin' there and suddenly... <b> </b><b> </b> ..Bink! ( motions hair flying out of his head)........lands in someone's frozen yogurt. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment. A repairman is working on his fridge , Jerry doing work with headphones on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> REPAIRMAN </b> .....The gaskets that you have here are asymmetrical. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah..ha!.. really. ( Jerry is barely listening to him ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> REPAIRMAN </b> So I took off the motor relay on the compressor....'cos you..you (stutters) you've got some discoloration <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! well whatever you have to do. <b> </b><b> REPAIRMAN </b> I was working with one.....mount at a time 'cos you don't wanna disturb the position of the compressor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sarcastically) No you don't.. <b> </b> George enters the apartment. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! what are listening to? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My show from last night. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh! you taped it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah , I was doing new material. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! Did 'ya ever do that thing on the toes that I said . <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah! like the big toe is like the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so <b> </b><b> </b> big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The" coup dé-toe" <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Did you do it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothin'.....nothing at all. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Need to use the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who you calling? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> China. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> China really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. I'll pay for it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What for? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What for? . I'll tell you what for.... for hair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hair? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The Chinese have done it my friend . The Chinese have done it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Done what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Discovered a cure for baldness. <b> </b><b> REPAIRMAN </b> Did you see that last night? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It was on CNN ( Kramer comes in and he is taping from a Camcorder) This Chinese doctor Zeng Zau. <b> </b><b> </b> has discovered a cure for baldness. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ( to Kramer) What's this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I just got it. Spector gave it to me , he's giving everything away...becoming a minimalist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is that the guy who likes fat women? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ( to George) You , you know what you should've done is watching that report on CNN last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I did, I'm trying to call China. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You can't call China now its like, what, three 'O clock in the morning there <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry; Oh! my God!.... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! God.. Oh! man.....Oh! brother!!! I can't believe what I'm hearing. This woman his talking to <b> </b><b> </b> me on my tape recorder while I was on stage. This is wild. I've never heard anything like this in my life. <b> </b><b> </b> Listen to this. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (George puts on the headphones) Oh! my god... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Give me it..( tries to pull them off George's head) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wa..Wait.Wait!......Who is this woman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know . I have no idea . I was just listening and she came on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is like a Penthouse letter...Why can't I meet women like this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right Come on....again attempts to pull headphones off) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> WAIT ,WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!!.... Where was the tape recorder? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was in the back of the room on the left, she must have been sitting right in front of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My god!!! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> C'mon it's my turn. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, All right, all, right!!( gives the headphones to Kramer) How you gonna find out who this is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good question. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Where's the volume..(finds it) A, YAI..YA...YA..YA!!!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut to Monks <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do the Chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If it was real ,they would never let it out of the country. No baldness , it'd be like a nation of Supermen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi boys. <b> </b><b> BOTH </b> Hello... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's happening? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tell her. I wanna hear her reaction. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This woman left this really sexy message on Jerry's tape recorder...... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pushes George) NOT THAT YOU IDIOT!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What?? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Chinese , the Chinese bald cure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I thought you meant the.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I meant the bald cure. We were talking about the bald cure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did she say? <b> </b><b> PETER </b> Seinfeld.....( from way in the back of the restaurant. Cheesy plot device to have Jerry leave the <b> </b><b> </b> table for a minute so George and Elaine can talk) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! Is that Peter? ...I can't believe it. Get me a cup of Decaf.( leaves table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So did you hear this message? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh!, he he, It was unbelievable <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. I can't get over it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh! Sexy? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This woman drove us out of our minds <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Like ...humm...How did she sound? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She had this throaty , sexy kind of whisper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really , like a... like a....(leans over to George and whispers) Jerry, I want to slide my tongue <b> </b><b> </b> around you like a snake.....Ooooooooooha ,oooooohaaaa..... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh! my God!!......You?.....You?...That was you?.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shhhhhh!!! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> how did ya?... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I stopped at the club to see him and I was standing in the back while he was on, right?, <b> </b><b> </b> and there was this tape recorder there and I.....got this impulse. Ha Ha Ha Ha....What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh! no no nothing.... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Now listen , promise me you won't tell him Okay.I want to have a little fun with this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I had no Idea you were filled with such....sexuality.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! That was nothing. So listen, what about this bald thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah! Some bald thing, a bald thing I dunno. It's nothing <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry comes back <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Remember Peter? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Peter? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You remember Peter. remember I told you how he went to the track that one time and he was yelling at this <b> </b><b> </b> jockey and the jockey got off the horse and started chasin' him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So listen , what about this girl on the tape recorder? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh Elaine....What do you think an enraptured female fan of mine might say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She went on in some detail about certain activities, illegal in some states, for consenting adults. <b> </b><b> </b> Things you would know very little about. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! really. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well this type of things is very common when you're in show business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what, Are you gonna ask her out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I can't she didn't leave her name or number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bummer...Okay , good luck finding her . I'm taking off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wh.. Where you going? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Home. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why you going home for? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well , I just came from the gym , unless I can shower at your place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Back to Jerry's <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh! my god. Oh! man... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't get it. Why would a woman do that and then leave no way to get in touch with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (coming out of the shower in a bathrobe) May be she realized she could never have you and she jumped off <b> </b><b> </b> the George Washington Bridge. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (phone rings ,picks up) Operator? Beijing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why are you doing this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why do I do anything? tsss...For women. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine have you ever gone out with a bald man? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know what that makes you?...A baldist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. This I need. Hello!! Hello. i..i..is this the hair restoration clinic? ...Does anyone speak English? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ( to Kramer who just got in with his camcorder) Ooooh! You're taping. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Just be yourselves. ( Elaine plays with her hair flirtingly) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aah! Okaaay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well we're talking with Elaine Benes; Adult film star on the set of her new picture "Elaine does the Upper <b> </b><b> </b> West side" <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ( to the camera) Hi. How 're you doin'? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm doin' fine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you speak English?...English!! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whooooa! here's the director Jerry Seinfeld . Jerry , you discovered Elaine Benes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well yes I did that's true. A couple of a guys I knew in the coastguard told me about her.... and I sensed <b> </b><b> </b> that she had the anger and intensity that I needed to make this film work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> English. Does anybody speak English .Nobody speaks English. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So What scene are you ready to shoot now , Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> In this scene my co-star who's right over here ( goes over to George who is still on the phone) <b> </b><b> </b> Follow meeeee... is George Costanza, he plays an airline pilot who's just returned from Rome <b> </b><b> </b> and I'm about to show him how much I've missed him. <b> </b> Door buzzer rings <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's my Chinese food...So George is this your first movie with Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (visibly disturbed) I...I..I dunno. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So Elaine in your movies is the sex real or is it simulated? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. it's always simulated....except with George that's in my contract. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, Kramer that's it.....( pushes the camera) Hello . English. Does anyone speak English <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ( to the Chinese delivery boy) How much do I owe you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PING </b><b> $15.90. </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> $15.90.? </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Huh. Excuse me (to Ping) Hum... Do you speak chinese? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PING </b> Chinese....Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look...humm..I'm on with Beijing with the hair restauration clinic. Could you talk to them for <b> </b><b> </b> me and tell them I'd like to place an order. <b> </b><b> PING </b> (sounds like) Gwen , Ayon. Wonche son thai gettin my chon fai yu.( looks at George and laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They got a billion people over there and he found a relative. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PING </b> Ah Fuka suma. If you send money they send cream. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They send me? Aw right ..ask 'em Does it really work? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PING </b> Gym a gun sen tokomo. Chin che .They say you grow hair, Look a like Stalin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ask' em Are there any side effects? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PING </b> Dowe o futo yum.... Impotence. ....( makes a just kidding gesture) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw! Funny he's a funny guy. <b> </b><b> PING </b> Get a money order from the Bank of China , be here three days after they get check. <b> </b><b> </b> George leaves all excited. <b> </b><b> PING </b> (continues his phone call) Ha Pachini fair pousher pousher mouist I fai chin fousher... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ( as Ping rambles on ) ...S'cuse me ( Ping looks up) Kind of an expensive call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> On a street at night in George's car <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thanks for driving me home. What did I do to deserve this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yoohoo ,Plenty......Wh..wh..what are doing hum...you're going in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well ya. I guess so Why? You wanna do something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> yeah....euh...I dunno What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Pffft....there's really nothing to do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ( becoming more and more awkward) Yeah..... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you think of anything?.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no....(mumbles) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am up for anything. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really...(he honks the car and is startled, Elaine laughs)......I have to say...You were really good <b> </b><b> </b> doing that porno thing....you're talented. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I was just kiddin, around....... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I thought the thing you said about the sex not being simulated . That was really funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ( feeling awkward as well) Yeah! that was a...f...fun ..mmm?. <b> </b><b> </b> George; So all right I'll speak to you through Jerry and everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay...Thanks a lot for the ride. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine gets out of the car , George tries to catch his breath. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Back to Jerry's. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..She was sitting at the table where I had my tape recorder...Okay great. Thanks again.. bye. <b> </b><b> </b> HA Ha..Who do these women think they're dealing with? Did she think she was gonna leave this incredibly <b> </b><b> </b> erotic message on my tape and I was just gonna let it go. Not Bloody likely... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What is that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's my cockney accent. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Naw ,na , that's no good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lets hear yours. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Not bloody likely.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's the worst cockney accent I've ever heard in my life.( George enters) Hey! Georgie boy , guess what I <b> </b><b> </b> got. <b> </b> George; Guess, what I got. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! Is that the bald stuff? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> From China. All the way from China. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait,wait wait...Let me get the camera. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No Don't get the camera , we don't need the camera. Listen I know your skeptical , but I really believe <b> </b><b> </b> in the Chinese. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes I am skeptical. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why do you have to be so suspicious of every one. This is a great man Zeng Zau, he wants to help bald people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> W..W..Wa...Wa..Wait..Wait wait.. Now lets videotape your head for the before picture, so we can watch <b> </b><b> </b> how it grows and stuff. Sit down (George sits).....Lean back...A little bit to the right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Make sure you get this area here, where he needs the help.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, all right ( Goes to the bathroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's a happy camper huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Happy camper , I don't hear that expression enough. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer; Remember that guy who took my jacket. The one I found at my mother's house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My mother told me that he got arrested for mail fraud <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No kidding? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's in jail. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened to the jacket. Did he take it with him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's what I intend to find out. (George comes out of the bathroom and he's got white cream on his head) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can see it. You gonna walk around like that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It stinks. Can you smell that?....You stink. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How long are you suppose to leave it on for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All day. ( phone rings , Jerry picks up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's Elaine Marie Benes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well Hello.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello.. so did you ever find out who that woman was? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes , I got her number. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is that Elaine? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> HI ELAINE... </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I guess you figure you're in for a pretty wild night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well , as I said this type of thing is very common in show business <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well listen I'm going to (?) do you want me to stop by? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did she say Hello? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? I dunno. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I mean , when I said Hello did she say Hello back? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know , Who keeps track of Hellos. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Isn't polite to say Hello when somebody says hello? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's coming up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine's coming up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. What's wrong, why? ( George runs back to the bathroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How often do you cut your toe nails? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I would say every two and a half to eight weeks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> 'cos the other night , you know, I was sleeping with Marion I rolled over and I cut her ankle <b> </b><b> </b> with my big toe. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The big toe; The captain. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b> Jerry; The captain of the toes. ( phone rings) Hello. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry...Jerry listen I got too much stuff this afternoon, I can't come over, forget it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay....too bad. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So humm....When you gonna call her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Soon as I get off the phone wih you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Good luck. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> okay , bye ( to George) What happened , did you take it off? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, that was enough. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's it, you gave up? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No No I'm working on a system...Who was that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That was Elaine , she changed her mind. She's not coming over. <b> </b><b> </b> As Jerry dials the girls number, George races to the bathroom one more time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALICIA </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello is this Alicia? .This is Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALICIA </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b> Cuts to commercial. Back to Jerry's after an implied date with Alicia <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Kramer) ...( words missing)...laugh , everything's nice and at the end of the night I go for <b> </b><b> </b> a little contact. I get the PULL BACK. This woman said the filthiest things I've ever heard in <b> </b><b> </b> my life. I get the Pull Back. <b> </b> Door buzzer <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up . (looks at his watch) ...What's he doing here now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So , you blew it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She must be psychotic or something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let me have her number. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not giving you her number. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I know how to handle these psychotics. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George comes in wearing a huge cowboy hat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sheriff?........What's with the hat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (George takes off the hat , he's got that cream on again) Pheeewwww! Boy! You stink. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are doing here now? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have to talk to you about something <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right lets take a look to see what we got ( examines George's head) Wait a second.. <b> </b><b> </b> I think I see something here George. Lets go to the videotape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aahh..No..No.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's up? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't tell ya now , he's gonna be back in a ten seconds. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So just start it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! Come om . He'll be over there for a half hour, he gets lost over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> C'mon so what is this about? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right.........I've become attracted to Elaine.. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer burst in with is video setup. <b> </b> Kramer; All right....Sit down George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, can we do this later.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I got the tape right here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, let's do this later. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (ignoring them) Now.. This is the tape that we made earlier and I think ,that I see. a couple of buds <b> </b><b> </b> right here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? ..You think. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer. I would like to talk to George for a minute, please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> 'bout what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's kinda private. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Like the big toe captain.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So now you're doing my bits? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> I'M NOT DOING YOUR BITS!! </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay , all right. I'm gonna take a look at this huh!.( leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Does she know? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> NO!! </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did it happen? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't say. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, why can't you say it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because I promised her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you just said she doesn't know?? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She doesn't. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So how can you promise her? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because she asked me to. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is this, an Abbott and Costello routine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right You really want to know?...It all started when she told met hat...she was the voice <b> </b><b> </b> on your tape recorder. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, Elaine? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah! She made me promise not to tell you .It's supposed to be a joke. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (picks up the headphones) That was Elaine... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well let me hear....( they struggle for the headphones) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second. .Just give me a second <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You heard it fifty times already. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's my ex-girlfriend I think I have precedence <b> </b><b> </b> Door Buzzer <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeaaaah!!! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, It's Elaine is this a bad time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George grabs his hat and rushes to the bathroom again. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ( Yelling from the bathroom) Don't tell her anything , she'll kill me!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, Okay ,I promise. ( puts on the headphones again) Wow!!! Oh Man...Oh God.. <b> </b><b> </b> Oh Brother....Whoooaaaa!! Whoaaaa ( Elaine enters he takes them off rapidly) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ( Concerned) What's the matter? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oooh! I got a pain in my side. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ( to George returning) Hi George. Something stinks in here.( George motions to Jerry, she nods) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I was the one who talked into your tape recorder. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry; I know, George told me. <b> </b> Elaine; You told him!!!! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He..He threatened me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where did you come up with all that stuff? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That was nothing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine.. I have to tell you something... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George NO!! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No no no no no no no.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George I'm telling ya.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm very attracted to you.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aye...... <b> </b> Kramer comes in and yells <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'VE FOUND A HAIR!!! Yes ( goes up to the video machine and inserts the tape) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Hey, come here, come here ,take a look at this. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ever since I found out that you let that message on Jerry's tape recorder <b> I... </b><b> </b><b> </b> Credits start to roll <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whoa!!!....That was you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It was a joke... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait..( picks up the walkman) Oh my god...Oh yeah....Elaine , I can't believe that that is <b> </b><b> </b> you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aah.... ( she stares at the three of them all lined up like the Daltons ,all looking at her <b> </b><b> </b> with lust.) I think I'll get going... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Heuh. huh. Stick around a while. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's early. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We'll order Chinese. <b> </b> She leaves and they all scramble for the tape recorder. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Tape Script

1991-11-20

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE NOSE JOB </b> Written by Peter Mehlman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> Can you give me an explanation as to why the pharmacist has to be two-and-a-half <b> </b> feet up above everybody else? What the hell is he doing, he can't be down there <b> </b> on the floor with you and me? Brain surgeons, airline pilots, nuclear <b> </b> physicists, we're all on the same level. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half <b> </b> feet up. "Look out, everybody, I'm working with pills. Spread out, give me <b> </b> some room." The only hard part of his whole job that I could see is typing <b> </b> everything onto that little tiny label. He has to try and get all the words on <b> </b> there, keep the paper in the- it's a little piece of paper, in the roller of the <b> </b> typewriter. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half feet up. "Yeah, I'd like to <b> </b> get this prescription filled." "Alright, and you wait down there, only I'm <b> </b> allowed up here." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> First scene. <b> </b> Jerry and George are at a newsstand. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where'd you meet her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I met her on an elevator. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> On an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Impossible, right? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You got less than sixty seconds. That's like dismantling a time bomb. <b> </b><b> </b> What got into you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. She was so beautiful, it was like a pure reflex. The <b> </b><b> </b> words just came out of my mouth. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wow. What'd you say? <b> </b> (flashback to Jerry and Isabel on the elevator) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England. <b> </b><b> </b> (end of flashback) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wow. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can you believe I did that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What did she say? <b> </b> (another flashback) <b> </b><b> ISABEL </b> What crop circles? <b> </b> (end of flashback) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not a good sign. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not everybody knows what the crop circles are. (to the newsstand <b> </b><b> </b> owner) Do you know what the crop circles are? <b> </b><b> NEWSSTAND OWNER </b> Crop circles? Why don't you buy something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got something in your teeth there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's green. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, man, it's spinach! I've been walking around like this all <b> </b><b> </b> afternoon. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you bump into anybody you knew? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I had a job interview. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How'd it go? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Take a guess. <b> </b> (flashback to George's job interview, with close-ups of George's spinached <b> </b><b> </b> teeth.) <b> </b><b> INTERVIEWER </b> Well, Mr. Costanza, we have nothing available at the present time, <b> </b><b> </b> but should anything open up, we'll be in touch. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ok, thanks. <b> </b> (end of flashback) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you need a job, you got Audrey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the matter? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You won't think I'm a bad person? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Too late for that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Cause believe me, I would only say this to you and maybe a <b> </b><b> </b> psychiatrist, maybe. Well, her nose is a little big. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, she's got a big nose. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I mean, big would even be ok, a little beyond big. <b> </b><b> </b> (momentary flashback to Audrey's tremendous nose) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a schnoz. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now, I'm aware that my own physical dimensions are perhaps a little <b> </b><b> </b> short of perfection. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A little. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So who am I to be thinking about someone's nose? I mean, I should be <b> </b><b> </b> grateful someone like her even looks at me. I have no job, nothing. But I have <b> </b><b> </b> to say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the nose. I don't <b> </b><b> </b> ask to think about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed at night, I tell <b> </b><b> </b> myself, 'Don't think about the nose, forget the nose,' but I think about it. I <b> </b><b> </b> look at her, I see nose. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stop being so concerned with looks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (momentary flashback to Isabel giving Jerry her number) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have you said anything to her about it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I could never do that. You know the ironic thing is if she had a <b> </b><b> </b> smaller nose, I never could have gone out with her in the first place. She'd be <b> </b><b> </b> out of my league with a smaller nose. And I really like her, I know that. And <b> </b><b> </b> I know one other thing. I'm not getting past that nose. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, shut up, here they come. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How can I not think about it? Look at the size of this thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. <b> </b> Jerry, Elaine, George, Audrey and Kramer are sharing a pizza at Jerry's <b> </b><b> </b> apartment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So my mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house <b> </b><b> </b> so, you know, she gives it to me. Well, two years later he shows up and he <b> </b><b> </b> takes it back. And now he's in prison. He got arrested for mail fraud. So <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell the landlord that <b> </b><b> </b> you're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Won't the landlord know I'm not the daughter? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No no, he's never met her. She's in California. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you coming with me? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah yeah, I have to. I'm your fiancé, Peter Von Nostrand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why don't you just commit yourself already? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> What is so special about this jacket? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He believes it possesses some extraordinary power over women. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> What's the smudge on your hand? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I got stamped at the reggae lounge last night. Yeah, I'm going <b> </b><b> </b> back there tonight, you know, I'm not gonna pay another cover charge. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you didn't wash all day? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I washed, just not the hand. You wouldn't believe the women at <b> </b><b> </b> this club. Ohh, man. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> It's amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually <b> </b><b> </b> find it kind of intimidating. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you're as pretty as any of them, you just need a nose job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How could you say something like that?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? What do you mean? I just said she needs a nose job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no, there's nothing wrong with her nose! I'm so sorry, Audrey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> No, it's ok. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did you have to say that for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I was just trying to help out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah? Well, you can kiss that jacket goodbye, Mr. Von Nozzin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You see what happens when you try to be nice? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Mid-episode monologue. <b> </b> But what would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all <b> </b><b> </b> the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About <b> </b><b> </b> thirteen seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry. Your rear end is too big." "That's ok, <b> </b><b> </b> your breath stinks anyway. See you later, no problem, good-bye, ok, thank you <b> </b><b> </b> very much." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. <b> </b> George and Audrey are in Elaine's apartment. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Elaine said I could stay with her another month until Tina gets back. <b> </b><b> </b> What are you thinking about? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thinking? Nothing. What could I possibly be thinking? <b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> You look like you've got something on your mind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yeah, right. I wish I had something on my mind. (pregnant pause) <b> </b><b> </b> So how about that Kramer, huh? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> How about him? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They way he just says stuff. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> He sure does. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Yeah, he's quite a character. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> So, what did you think? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> About the pizza? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> No, about the nose job. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, the nose job. I don't know, what did you think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Well, I've thought about it, but I don't know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. (another pause) Not that I care, one way or the other, but <b> </b><b> </b> these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined. <b> </b><b> </b> And again, I'm not suggesting. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> I know, they're good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Peter Jennings had one. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class <b> </b><b> </b> had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so... <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Uh huh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's really nothing, it's like going to the dentist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> I hate the dentist. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a cleaning. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> So you really think I should do this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If it makes you happy, I don't focus on these things. I will tell you <b> </b><b> </b><b> THIS </b> Unfortunately, we live in a very superficial society. I don't condone <b> </b><b> </b> it, but it's a fact of life. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Well, maybe I should. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What the hell. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aw, now you talked her into getting a nose job? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me? I didn't say anything. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You encouraged her to get one. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't encourage. No encourage. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Peter Jennings had one? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's possible. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I think you should accept her for who she is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> No, George is right. I want to get one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think it's a mistake. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me too, really. Unless you'd really like to get one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. <b> </b> Jerry and George are at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm going straight to hell, no two ways about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it might not be hell but you're gonna run into some bad dudes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, let's get the check, she's taking the <b> </b><b> </b> bandages off at four o'clock. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We have time. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's exciting, isn't it? She's gonna have a whole new face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It is exciting. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course, not as exciting as miss crop circles, but... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Please, please, Isabel? She is the most despicable woman I have ever <b> </b><b> </b> met in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so <b> </b><b> </b> attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my <b> </b><b> </b> penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He still wins but it's not a blowout. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She wants to be an actress. She makes me read these moronic acting <b> </b><b> </b> scenes with her, and I do it because I'm so addicted to the sex, I'm helpless, <b> </b><b> </b> I'll do anything. So finally Kramer comes in the other day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (flashback to Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't want to see this woman anymore but <b> </b><b> </b> I haven't got the will power to throw out her number. Please, help me. Help <b> </b><b> </b> me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm proud of you. <b> </b> (end of flashback) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I'm never gonna see her again, I'm going cold turkey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good for you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll tell you, the sex... I mean, I was like an animal. I mean it was <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> just completely uninhibited. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not <b> </b><b> </b> caring. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not like that at all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. <b> </b> Elaine, George, Jerry, Kramer and Audrey are at Elaine's apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How do you even know the jacket is there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I don't, I'm guessing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, look, Audrey, before you take the bandage off just remember that <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I was the one that encouraged you to do this, you know? Now that you're gonna <b> </b><b> </b> be a great beauty, let's not forget how this all began. You know, like if you'd <b> </b><b> </b> listened to your friend, Elaine, <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Enough. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, are we ready? Come on, let's get this show on the road. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you sure you want us here for this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Shouldn't a doctor do it? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> No, he said I could do it. Okay, here goes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Very exciting, very exciting, it's like watching a birth. <b> </b><b> </b> Audrey removed the bandage, the gang tries to disguise their horror. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It looks good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Great job. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got butchered. <b> </b> George faints. <b> </b> An undetermined time later, Jerry and Elaine are helping George to his feet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let's put him over here. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Where are you going? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> To the doctor! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait, wait, wait, I'll go with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer leaves, Elaine sits on the couch near George. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How ya feeling? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Too much salt in my diet. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can I get you anything? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nah, I'm good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You sure? Anything? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mmm, no. Boy, it really didn't come out too well, did it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, it didn't. No, it didn't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's like, all dented. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Seems to be. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm sure they'll be able to fix it. You can't stop modern <b> </b><b> </b> science. Can't stop it, you can't stop it. Can't stop science. Can't be <b> </b><b> </b> stopped, no way, no how, science just marches-- <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shut up, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Shut up? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Interesting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. <b> </b> Jerry and Kramer are at Jerry's apartment. Kramer is pouring a bowl of cereal, <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry has cracked. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on, Kramer, seriously, give me her number! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't have it, I threw it out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're lying! You got it, I want that number! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I told you, I threw it out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Give it to me! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You told me not to give it to you, you made me promise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I changed my mind, I want that number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You said, no matter what you do or say, I'm not to give you the number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was lying, give it to me! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, you told me not to! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I want that number! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright! (flinging pieces of torn paper to the ground) Yeah! Yeah! <b> </b><b> </b> Yeah! (Jerry falls to the floor and starts arranging pieces) Look at you! <b> </b><b> </b> Look at what you've sunk to! Look at what you've become! Look in the mirror, <b> </b><b> </b> cause you need help, Jerry. You need help, because I can't stand by and do it <b> </b><b> </b> anymore. It's turning my stomach! I can't stand around here watching you <b> </b><b> </b> destroy yourself. It's eating me up inside! <b> </b> Kramer storms out, then storms back in to grab the box of cereal and the bowl, <b> </b><b> </b> then storms out again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. <b> </b> George and Audrey are at the coffee shop, Audrey is talking about her nose, <b> </b><b> </b> George is trying not to look at it. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> The doctor said that they need to build the lateral wall of the septum. <b> </b><b> </b> Over here... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> You see this perinasal sinus cavity? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I got it. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> You see how it's collapsing? That's what's causing this huge dent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, phew. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> So anyway, George, do you know what I was thinking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Remember we talked about taking a trip together? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We did? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Yeah, we talked about going to Hawaii? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hawaii? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Anyway, I think it would be great to get away after all this. <b> </b><b> </b> George (removing his glasses) You know, Hawaii could be a little tricky right <b> </b><b> </b> now, there's a lot of high pressure winds down there this time of year, there's <b> </b><b> </b> a lot of debris constantly flying around. Wood, and uh, lava, pretty dangerous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> I never heard that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah. My friend lived there. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> We could go to the Caribbean. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, I have to tell you something. You couldn't get me on a plane <b> </b><b> </b> right now. I get those FAA reports directly. My uncle sends them to me, he <b> </b><b> </b> used to be a pilot, so. Big investigation in the, uh, what's the word there, <b> </b><b> </b> uh, offing. It's in the offing. But, you know, you shouldn't let that stop you <b> </b><b> </b> from going. You could go. I don't mind. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> George, I don't think this is working. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. <b> </b> Jerry is rehearsing with Isabel. <b> </b><b> ISABEL </b> Ever since you came back from the Army, you've changed. I swear <b> </b><b> </b> Nelson, I don't even know who you are anymore. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm Nelson! <b> </b><b> ISABEL </b> That's not the line, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, alright, I'm sorry. (reading) Nothing's changed, Alma, I just <b> </b><b> </b> need more time. <b> </b><b> ISABEL </b> I swear, Nelson, sometimes at night, when you're not around, I just go <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> crazy thinking about you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you just need to relax. Maybe a hobby, bowling is fun. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ISABEL </b> Yeah, bowling's good if you're really gross and ugly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh oh. My organs are playing chess again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut to the table where a slightly translucent Jerry's brain is playing chess <b> </b><b> </b> with a similarly visible Jerry's penis. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S BRAIN </b> Well I'm getting a little tired of this. What do you say we <b> </b><b> </b> play one for all the marbles? <b> </b><b> JERRY'S PENIS </b> Oh Brain, what are you doing? You cannot beat me. Do you have <b> </b><b> </b> any idea who you're dealing with? Forget about it! <b> </b><b> JERRY'S BRAIN </b> I can't take her anymore. I hate reading her stupid little <b> </b><b> </b> acting scenes. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S PENIS </b> Oh, so what? So you read from a little play. You can't put up <b> </b><b> </b> with that for an hour to make me happy? You're so selfish. Give me one hour, <b> </b><b> </b> then I will take over, you will not have to think for the rest of the night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY'S BRAIN </b> What about tomorrow morning? Do you have any idea what that's <b> </b><b> </b> like for me? Do you care? No, you don't care. So long as you get to do <b> </b><b> </b> whatever it is you do. You disgust me. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S PENIS </b> Oh, go read a book. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S BRAIN </b> Enough chatting, let's play. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. <b> </b> Elaine and Kramer are outside the landlord's apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know the only reason I'm doing this is because you took Audrey to <b> </b><b> </b> the hospital. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah, ok, now uh, you're clear, you got <b> </b><b> </b> everything? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait wait wait wait wait. (putting a ring on Elaine's finger) Here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do I need this for? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because we're engaged. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We're engaged? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Um hm. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, this is too big. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's my mom's. <b> </b> A stout man walks around the corner. <b> </b><b> LANDLORD </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, uh, hi. I'm Wanda Pepper, I'm Albert Pepper's daughter. My father <b> </b><b> </b> asked me to come here and pick up his jacket for him. <b> </b><b> LANDLORD </b> Oh, hello Miss Pepper, it's a pleasure to meet you. (To Kramer) And <b> </b><b> </b> you must be Professor Von Nostrand? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, yes I am. <b> </b><b> LANDLORD </b> I've read your book, Professor, and I was quite intrigued by it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, yes. Well, it's, uh, very intriguing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LANDLORD </b> Tell me, is it your contention that Shakespeare was an imposter? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My contention? <b> </b><b> LANDLORD </b> Yes, your contention. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, that's my contention. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I heard him contend that. <b> </b><b> LANDLORD </b> It's too bad about your father. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, it was a frame-up. <b> </b><b> LANDLORD </b> A fine man, he spoke often of you. He's very proud of the work <b> </b><b> </b> you're doing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, well, we're all proud of the work I'm doing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She does fine work. <b> </b><b> LANDLORD </b> Your father gave me strict orders not to turn the jacket over to <b> </b><b> </b> anyone, but I suppose I can make an exception in your case. The closet's this <b> </b><b> </b> way. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How kind of you. <b> </b><b> LANDLORD </b> You know, your father has a very extensive wardrobe. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters after Elaine, banging his pipe on the door frame. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. <b> </b> Jerry's Brain and Penis are still playing chess, Jerry's Brain appears to have <b> </b><b> </b> the upper hand. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S BRAIN </b> What's the matter, fella? You look a little tired. Ha ha ha ha <b> </b><b> </b> ha! <b> </b><b> ISABEL </b> Nelson, don't you see? You are a part of me, and I, I am a part of <b> </b><b> </b> you. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S PENIS </b> It's killing me. (Makes a move) <b> </b><b> JERRY'S BRAIN </b> That's your move? <b> </b><b> JERRY'S PENIS </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S BRAIN </b> Well that's trouble, my friend. That's big trouble. Checkmate! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY'S PENIS </b> Getting weak... Losing <b> </b> power... You haven't seen the last of me. I'll be back. You're nothing <b> </b><b> </b> without me. Nothing! <b> </b> Jerry's Penis disappears with an audible pop. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S BRAIN </b> Punk. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Isabel, uh, I don't think this is working. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Isabel checks the script with a puzzled look on her face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Back to Elaine, Kramer and the landlord at Albert Pepper's apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Daddy certainly does have an extensive wardrobe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LANDLORD </b> He is a fine dresser and I'm sure I don't have to tell you he's quite <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> popular with the ladies. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My father, really? I had no idea. <b> </b><b> LANDLORD </b> Yes, they're crazy about him. There was one in particular, came <b> </b><b> </b> around about two years ago, looked a lot like you, Professor. Could have been <b> </b><b> </b> your mother. What was her name again? Carter? Kramer! That's it, Babs <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer. Nasty woman, many a night I had to throw her out on the street, drunken <b> </b><b> </b> stumblebum. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You don't say? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I found it! <b> </b><b> LANDLORD </b> The woman used to walk around here half naked, sucking Colt 45 from a <b> </b><b> </b> can. Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her knees, <b> </b><b> </b> screaming down the hall, "Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy ape, and bring <b> </b><b> </b> back that box of Danish!" <b> </b> Throughout the landlord's narrative, Kramer becomes more and more agitated. <b> </b><b> </b> Finally, he grabs the pipe out of his mouth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. <b> </b> The four are at their usual booth at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So I grabbed the guy by the collar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, and I yelled out, Kramer! Kramer, you're killing him!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I assume the jig was up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, pretty much. <b> </b> Kramer shows off the fruits of their labor; he's wearing the jacket. Audrey <b> </b><b> </b> walks in, her nose has been repaired and she's absolutely beautiful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Audrey? My god, you look incredible! I can't believe it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Well, it was his doctor. He was wonderful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, will I see you later tonight? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Not sure. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'll check <b> </b> you guys out later. (To Audrey) Ready? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> I didn't wash. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Neither did I. We're off to the Reggae Lounge. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Isn't she beautiful? Her nose is in such perfect <b> </b><b> </b> proportion with the rest of her face. She's breathtaking! Who would have <b> </b><b> </b> though she's like-- <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine. Shut up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> The technical term for a nose job is rhinoplasty. Rhino, okay? Do we really <b> </b> need to insult the person at this particular moment of their lives? They know <b> </b> they have a big nose, that's why they're coming in. Do they really need the <b> </b> abuse of being compared to a rhinoceros on top of everything else? When someone <b> </b> goes in for a hair transplant, they don't go, "We're going to perform a <b> </b> cue-ballectomy on you, Mr. Johnson. We're going to attempt to remove the <b> </b> skinheadia of your chrome-domus which is the technical term." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Nose Job Script

1991-11-27

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE STRANDED </b> Written by Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld &amp; Matt Goldman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> So I was in the drug store the other day, trying to get a cold medication. You <b> </b> ever try and pick one of these out? It's not easy. It's a wall. It's an <b> </b> entire wall of cold medication, you stand there, you're going, "Alright, <b> </b> alright, alright, okay, what the hell-- This is quick acting, but this is long <b> </b> lasting. When do I need to feel good, now or later?" It's a tough question. <b> </b> And they always show you the commercials on TV where they show you what's wrong <b> </b> with the guy, you know? They always show you, like, all the problems that he's <b> </b> having. First of all, the always show you the human body, which is usually this <b> </b> guy. No face, mouth open, this is how drug companies see the public. And he's <b> </b> always in, like, a certain pain, it's like red wavy lines are going through him <b> </b> or he's glowing, parts of him are on fire sometimes, lightning is attacking him. <b> </b> I never had a doctor say to me, "Are you having any pain?" "Yes I am." "Are <b> </b> you having any lightning with the pain?" <b> </b><b> </b> First scene. Jerry and George are in a drug store. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did you get fleas? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because my cousin's imbecile dog was rolling around outside and they <b> </b> got in his carpet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe you can get yourself a little bowtie flea collar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's not funny. So, are you coming to the party? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'd go, but Long Island, it's so far out, it smacks of desperation. The <b> </b><b> </b> whole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me, "You came all the way out from <b> </b> Manhattan for this?" <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know Ava's gonna be there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The nice one that works in my office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll drive. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, well, now you're talking. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's supposed to be a good party. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What does that mean, good dip? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, there'll be girls there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's girls everywhere. I go out of my apartment, there's girls in <b> </b><b> </b> the elevator. They're in cafeterias, subways, so what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There's a hundred different things here. What's the difference between <b> </b> these two? (They each grab a box and check the ingredients) You got <b> </b> propylparabin? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Got it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You got isobutane-30? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got isobutane-20. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A-ha. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got sorbitant sesquioliate? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Got it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have aloe! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You got aloe? I love aloe. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where do they make yours? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jersey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> White Plains. <b> </b> George puts down the "Jersey" box and grabs the "White Plains" box from Jerry <b> </b> and they go to the check out counter. Two women are standing at the magazine <b> </b> rack in the background. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Girls. There's girls right here in the store. Look, look, there's one <b> </b><b> </b> over there. Look, there's another one. Soon as I walk outside there'll be <b> </b> girls out there. What's the matter? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I gave her a twenty, she only gave me change for a ten. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you sure? Oh boy, here we go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, I gave you a twenty dollar bill and you <b> </b> only actually gave me change for a ten. <b> </b><b> CASHIER </b> You gave me a ten. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm positive I gave you a twenty. <b> </b><b> CASHIER </b> I know what you gave me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You owe me ten dollars. <b> </b><b> CASHIER </b> Will you please step aside? Next? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, let's just examine the situation for a second. Who, in this <b> </b> situation, would be more likely to make a mistake? Me, who had access to my <b> </b> wallet, knew exactly what was in there? Or you-- <b> </b><b> CASHIER </b> You. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, no, see you're not really listening. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> What's the problem here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No problem. There's no problem. She just owes me ten dollars, that's <b> </b> all. <b> </b><b> CASHIER </b> He's claiming short. <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Alright, let's just take it outside. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, so you don't believe me either? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Come on, let's go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You haven't won. You may think you've won, but you haven't won. Do <b> </b> you know why? It's not over. This is not over. I'm not forgetting what's <b> </b> happening here. You have my ten dollars. I will get it back. Alright, don't <b> </b> worry. It's not over. I'm going now. Good bye. I will be back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. George, Elaine and Jerry enter The Party and stand by the door <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well don't stand here, let's walk in, blend in, blend in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, let's survey first. Camp here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Eva. <b> </b> A beautiful woman starts walking over. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of <b> </b><b> </b> strangers treat your house like a hotel room. <b> </b><b> AVA </b> So, guess who just sold 129 West 81st. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh no you didn't. Get out, when? <b> </b><b> AVA </b> Yesterday <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't believe it. <b> </b><b> AVA </b> Ask Mark. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mark, is this true? <b> </b> A man across the room nods. George and Ava walk towards him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, this has got disaster written all over it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How did I ever let you talk me into this, I must have been out of my <b> </b> mind. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight. In case one of us <b> </b><b> </b> gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so <b> </b> the other one can get us out of it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How old are you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thirty-six. What's the signal? Howbout this? Chicken wing? No, no, <b> </b> no, I got a better one. Head patting. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Whatever you want. <b> </b><b> </b> Fast forward a bit, Jerry is sitting on the couch with a stranger. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GUY </b> You came all the way out from Manhattan for this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah I did. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> So what do you do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm a comedian. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Are you? Lemme ask you something. Where do you get your material? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I hear a voice. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> What kind of voice? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUY </b> How come you keep tapping your head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a nervous tic. I'm on L-Dopa. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut to Elaine, engaged in a conversation with another guy and patting her head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUY </b> On the other hand, you take a guy like George Washington Carver. The man <b> </b><b> </b> devoted his whole life to the peanut. Imagine having so much passion for <b> </b> something. <b> </b> Cut back to Jerry and his 'guy'. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Ya know, people tell me I'm a funny guy. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Elaine and her 'guy'. She's still tapping madly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GUY </b> I've often wondered if he ever worked with the pecan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, me too. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Now is that considered a nut, because I know the cashew is a legume. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to George, now talking with Jerry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How's it going? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Great, how about you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe what's happening here. She hasn't taken her hands off <b> </b> me all night. She was always friendly around the office, but that was it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you account for this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, maybe a safe fell on her head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, she obviously liked you all along. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I would have picked up on it. I can always tell when a woman likes <b> </b><b> </b> me, they always somehow let you know. With me, they could torture me, I <b> </b> wouldn't tell them. If anything I'd try to make them think I don't like them, <b> </b> then they think, "Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking at me, he must <b> </b> have something going for him." <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anyway, I'm ready to go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If not now, when? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Gimme a half-hour. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, half-hour. <b> </b> Cut to Elaine and the 'peanut guy'. By now, she's weary from tapping. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUY </b> Peanut brittle, peanut butter, peanut oil... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can I talk to you for a second? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, excuse me. (gets up to talk with Jerry) What have you been doing, <b> </b><b> </b> I've been smacking myself senseless. People think I'm a mental patient. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I was dying over there. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This guy's going off on the peanut. Now pay attention. <b> </b><b> </b> Fast forward a bit, a woman (Ellen) is talking to Jerry. <b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> Yeah, I think I've seen you in a club. You talk about a lot of every <b> </b> day things, right? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. <b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> Yeah, I remember you. <b> </b> Ellen turns her back and the camera pans out to Elaine, sitting on the couch <b> </b> near a pretentious woman. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> I wonder what happened to my fiancé. I know he's here somewhere. <b> </b> Ellen? Have you seen my fiancé? <b> </b><b> ELLEN </b> He's upstairs. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Are you going upstairs? Tell my fiancé I'm looking for him. I have <b> </b> lost my fiancé, the poor baby. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe the dingo ate your baby. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The dingo ate your baby! <b> </b> Cut to George and Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You ready? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Listen, I have a tremendous favor to ask. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I do favors. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think something's happening here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think she wants me to take her home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What should I do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Go! What could you do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about you and Elaine? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll get a ride. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll be fine, what did she say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She told me she wants-- (Pauses until a woman coming down the stairs <b> </b> passes) She told me she wants me to make love to her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? She said that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get out of here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I swear. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I, I, I can't. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Please, it's-- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I... I... I long for you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I long for you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was so shocked I was lucky I said anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's okay, that's not bad. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's intimidating. <b> </b> The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's a lot of pressure. Make love to me. What am I, in the circus? <b> </b><b> </b> What if I can't deliver? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, come on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't perform under pressure. That's why I never play anything for <b> </b> money, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my office, can you <b> </b> imagine? She goes around telling everyone what happened? Maybe I should <b> </b> cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, you're thinking too much. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know, I know, I can't stop it! <b> </b> Cut to Elaine, talking with yet another guy on the couch. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, right now I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pendant? Those bastards. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Excuse me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Listen, George is going home with this Ava from his office <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? Huh. What a world. So we can go now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, no, he's taking the car. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, what are we gonna do for a ride? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You don't know? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe Kramer can come pick us up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh great, oh, this is great. How could you let him take the car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's nothing I could do, it's part of the code. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Mid-episode monologue <b> </b> All plans between men are tentative. If one man should suddenly have an <b> </b> opportunity to pursue a woman, it's like these two guys never met each other <b> </b> ever in life. This is the male code. And it doesn't matter how important the <b> </b> arrangements are, I mean, most of the time when they scrub a space shuttle <b> </b> mission it's because one of the astronauts met someone on his way to the launch <b> </b> pad. They hold that countdown. He's leaning against the rocket talking to her, <b> </b> "So listen, when I get back what do you say we get together for some Tang?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh look at that. Look at what she's wearing. <b> </b> You see what she's wearing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah, alright. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe she's walking around in that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just don't make a scene. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, is that real fur? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh boy. <b> </b><b> EVA </b> It better be or my ex-husband owes me an explanation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, good night. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You don't care that innocent defenseless animals are being tortured so <b> </b> that you can look good? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Could we talk about this some other time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> AVA </b> Are you a vegetarian? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here we go. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I eat fish occasionally. <b> </b><b> AVA </b> So you're a hypocrite. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect. Anyway- <b> </b><b> </b><b> AVA </b> Well, talk to me when you stop eating fish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Fish don't feel any pain. <b> </b><b> AVA </b> How do you know? Do you communicate with fish? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, they're not kept in little cages. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AVA </b> Ever seen a goldfish? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Goldfish. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah I've seen goldfish. They're not unhappy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AVA </b> Oh yeah, right. Swim around in a bowl for two weeks and get flushed down <b> </b><b> </b> the toilet, that's a good life. (To George) Let's go. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah, that's right. Go ahead, go ahead, maybe you can run over a <b> </b> squirrel! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's why we're here in America. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're beautiful. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Call Kramer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. (Approaches host) Excuse me, this is your party, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> No, I just live here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can I use your phone? <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> What's in it for me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A bigger bill? <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> He he, go for it. <b> </b> Jerry picks up the phone and dials. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Krame? Sein. What are you doing? Well, I'm stuck out here on Long <b> </b> Island. What are your thoughts about taking a ride? You sure? Okay, but don't <b> </b> leave me hanging here. Okay, great. Let me give you directions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut to several hours later. The party has ended. The hosts, Steve and Jenny, <b> </b> are cleaning up, Elaine and Jerry are still there. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You sure you don't need any help? <b> </b><b> JENNY </b> No, not really. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sure he'll be here any minute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JENNY </b> I want them out of here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Call him again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I called, what should I do? (To Jenny) We really appreciate this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JENNY </b> It's two o'clock in the morning. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you got the Civil War book. I saw <b> </b><b> </b> some of that show, it was wonderful. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Six hundred and twenty million people died. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thousand. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thousand. Six hundred and twenty thousand. The horror, the horror. <b> </b> (To Jerry) The wife keeps giving us dirty looks. Are you sure you gave him the <b> </b> right directions? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. (To Jenny) You're sure there's nothing we can do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JENNY </b> No! (To Steve) I am not going to bed with them in out house, this is <b> </b> ridiculous. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know a friend of my father's used to live right around here. Mike <b> </b> Wichter. He sold plastic straws. You know the ones? You could bend them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Have you noticed, people don't use straws as much as they used to for <b> </b> some reason. <b> </b><b> JENNY </b> You know, it doesn't look as if your friend is coming. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, he's coming. <b> </b><b> JENNY </b> Maybe you should take a look at a train schedule. <b> </b><b> </b> Jenny sees a figure outside the kitchen window and screams. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's him. <b> </b><b> JENNY </b> I'm going to bed! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thanks a lot. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks, great party. <b> </b> As Jenny storms up the stairs there's a knock at the door, Steve answers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, how ya doing? <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Ah, look who's here. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, it's okay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I had the directions on the seat right next to me, they flew out the <b> </b> window. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Then how did you find the place? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway, and I thought that <b> </b> the address was 8713 Riviera Drive. Uh uh, so I drove around knocking on <b> </b> everybody's doors that had those numbers; 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837, whoo. <b> </b> Finally, I hit it. 8173. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anyway, thanks a lot for letting us stay here, Steve, I really owe you <b> </b><b> </b> one. <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> No problem. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And if you're ever in the city, you know, you want to come to a comedy <b> </b><b> </b> club, whatever. <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Hey, I might take you up on that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here's my address and number. And really, thanks again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You better zip up. I couldn't get the top on the <b> </b> convertible up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But it's cold out. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, wait till we get on the Expressway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Jerry's at his apartment, talking on the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, I've been sick all week. Elaine was too. Eighty miles an hour, <b> </b> forty degree temperature for fifty minutes. Do the math. Yeah, maybe I will <b> </b> get out. Hey, let me just stop off at the drug store first. Okay, meet me down <b> </b> there in fifteen minutes then we'll go do something. Yeah, Selwyn's. Okay bye. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry hangs up and grabs his coat and there's a knock at the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who is it? <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Mr. Pocatello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who? <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> You mean you don't recognize my voice? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry opens the door. Steve steps in. <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Jerry, baby! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do I know you? <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Boy this comedy's really frying your brain. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry, uh- <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> See, this is the kind of lasting impression I make on people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, okay. <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> You said if I was ever in the city, I'm in the city. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You certainly are. What's going on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> I'm just waiting for a lift back to the island, he won't be ready until <b> </b><b> </b> eleven, so I figured I'd give you a break. I thought I'd see what it was like <b> </b> to hang out with someone in show business. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Listen, I'm really sorry but I'm just on my way out to meet a friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Oh, come on, you can come up with something better than that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, really, I just got off the phone with him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> I understand. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, you can hang out here if you want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Don't be so enthusiastic. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's- <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> I'm not gonna steal anything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, of course not, just close the door when you leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> I think I can do that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really, I'm sorry. Maybe another time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Yeah. Let's have lunch. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Jerry and George are at the drug store. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They guy's in my house right now. What a mistake that party was, I <b> </b> never should have gone. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, me either. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, come on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What come on? Have you ever dated a woman that worked in your office? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've never had a job. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know the anxiety you feel on a date? That's what I have every day <b> </b> now. My worst nightmare's come true, every day is a date. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's one of Dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ava was one of the reasons I used to like going to work, she was a <b> </b> friend. Now we sleep together and suddenly, I don't know how to talk to her. <b> </b> Every time I go to the bathroom I pass her desk. I have to plan little patter. <b> </b> I spend half my day writing. Then afterwards, I sit in my office and analyze <b> </b> how it went. If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom for the <b> </b> rest of the day. I see her laughing and talking with other people, they're all <b> </b> so loose and relaxed, I think, 'that used to be me. I want to go back there <b> </b> again.' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you gonna do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have no choice, I'm quitting. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Steve sitting alone on Jerry's couch watching TV. Kramer walks in <b> </b> and it takes a moment for him to recognize the visitor. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The party, Long Island? <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Kramer, right? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, what are you doing here? <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> I'm waiting for my ride. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Where's Jerry? <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> He split. Let me ask you something. Is there anything to drink in here <b> </b><b> </b> or is that, like, a stupid question? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, Jerry, he doesn't have anything. (Sensing Steve's <b> </b> disappointment) Well, but I might have something. <b> </b> Cut back to Jerry and George at the drugstore. Jerry is selecting medication. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I'm gonna get this. This looks good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How much is that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nine sixty. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nine sixty? Give it to me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't worry, I got it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean, you got it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got it. <b> </b> George takes the box and begins to place it in his jacket. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Since when are you treating me to medicine? What are you doing? You're <b> </b> stealing this, aren't you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not stealing it. They owe me ten dollars. They stole from me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're a lunatic. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have to do this, it's a matter of honor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you say to a person like you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just walk. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b> A security guard approaches George. <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Scuse me. What do you got there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> What do you got in your shirt? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I was gonna pay for this. <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b><b> </b> Come with me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where are you taking me? I was gonna pay for it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CASHIER </b> um-hmm. <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> You don't think I remember you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> I know who you are, I was watching you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you gonna do? Are you gonna call the police? <b> </b><b> </b> The Security Guard drags George away and Jerry steps to the counter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can I still buy this or is this evidence now? <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Kramer and Steve, they're obviously tanked. Kramer is in the middle <b> </b> of a story. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, I'm chasing these doves down the street and she's screaming at the <b> </b><b> </b> top of her lungs, and then when the magician comes back from Europe, two of them <b> </b> turned brown! Well I followed the instructions! <b> </b> They both erupt in raucous laughter. <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Ah, they turned brown!! Brown!! (the laughter winds down) <b> </b> So let me ask you something, you know any women we could call? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Not really. <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Maybe we should call one of those escort services. I saw one of them <b> </b> advertised before on the cable station. <b> </b> Kramer (handing Steve the phone) 555-LOVE. <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Hey, you want in on this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I got a girl in the next building <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Jerry is outside his apartment door, as he puts in the key, he hears a woman's <b> </b> voice from inside. <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Now I want my money, mister, and I ain't leaving until I get it. Now I <b> </b> am through playing games with you, I got things to do. <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Oh Jerry! Jerry! Look who's here, it's Jerry <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What the hell? <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Jerry, this is Patti. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> PATTI </b> It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, I'm sure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What the hell is going on here? <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> I don't know, but I gotta do this more often. (The buzzer goes off) <b> </b> Ooh, there's my ride, finally. <b> </b><b> PATTI </b> I'm not gonna go anywhere until I get the rest of my money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> See ya, Jerr. And tell Kramer thanks and I'll call him tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Kramer huh? <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Yeah, he's a hoot. Oh, goodbye, my dear. (trying to kiss Patti's hand <b> </b><b> </b> as she pulls it away) Ouch. (To Jerry) Weekend of the 26th, come on out, <b> </b> we're having another party. <b> </b> Steve walks out, leaving the front door open. <b> </b><b> PATTI </b> I ain't leaving. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Patti? <b> </b><b> PATTI </b> You got anything to drink? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, how much does he owe you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PATTI </b> Fifty dollars. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fifty dollars. <b> </b> In mid-payment, a police officer walks through the open door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> COP </b> This your apartment? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but-- <b> </b><b> COP </b> You're under arrest for solicitation of prostitution. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second, I-- <b> </b> Elaine walks in. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I brought you chicken soup. (To Patti) Is that real fur? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh boy. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment, watching TV and eating pizza. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You had Sgt. Chadway? Me too. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He was a nice guy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, great guy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Was there a red-headed guy there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The one with the long sideburns? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where does he come off? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I know. There's no call for that kind of attitude. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> One of the guys in my cell threw a piece of gum at him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, we all hated him. <b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> There's two types of favors, the big favor and the small favor. You can measure <b> </b> the size of the favor by the pause that a person takes after they ask you to 'do <b> </b> me a favor.' Small favor, small pause. Can you do me a favor, hand me that <b> </b> pencil? No pause at all. Big favors are, 'Could you do me a favor...' (huge <b> </b> pause, followed by closing credits.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Stranded Script

1991-12-04

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE ALTERNATE SIDE </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Bill Masters <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> Seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car will behave as <b> </b> if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it, <b> </b> it's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not <b> </b> everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't it be nice <b> </b> if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? You know, somebody <b> </b> tries to break in, it goes, "Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?" I would like a car alarm <b> </b> like that. <b> </b><b> </b> First scene. Jerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you believe this? The car was parked right out front. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Was the alarm on? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, I guess it was on. I don't know my alarm sound; I'm not <b> </b> tuned in to it like it's my son. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't understand, how do these thieves start the car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They cross the wires or something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Cross the wires? I can't even make a pot of spaghetti. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They stole my car. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Who did? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They did. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Was it more than just one? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What should I do, should I call the police? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What are they gonna do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'd better call the car phone company, cancel my service. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe you should call your car phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, he's probably driving it right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute, call the car phone, see what happens. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you serious? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, go ahead, call. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't even know if I remember the number. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry dials. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do I say if he picks up? <b> </b><b> CAR THIEF </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? Is this 555-8383? <b> </b><b> CAR THIEF </b> I have no idea. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can I ask you a question? <b> </b><b> CAR THIEF </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you steal my car? <b> </b><b> CAR THIEF </b> Yes I did. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You did?! <b> </b><b> CAR THIEF </b> I did. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's my car! <b> </b><b> CAR THIEF </b> I didn't know it was yours. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you gonna do with it? <b> </b><b> CAR THIEF </b> I dunno, drive around. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then can I have it back? <b> </b><b> CAR THIEF </b> Mmmm, nah, I'm gonna keep it. <b> </b> Kramer gestures for Jerry to hand him the phone. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> CAR THIEF </b> Yeah, who's this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Kramer. <b> </b><b> CAR THIEF </b> Hello, Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Listen, there's a pair of gloves in the glove compartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAR THIEF </b> Wait, hold on... Brown ones? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Listen, could you mail those to me? Or bring them by my <b> </b> building, it's 129 West 81st St. <b> </b><b> CAR THIEF </b> One-two-nine, okay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Thanks a lot, uh here's Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gloves. (Into the phone) Hello? <b> </b><b> CAR THIEF </b> Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, let me ask you a question. How do you cross those wires? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAR THIEF </b> I didn't cross any wires, the keys were in it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sid left the keys in the car. Alright, I gotta go. Drive carefully. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAR THIEF </b> Jerry, when's the last time you had a tune-up? Because I can't find <b> </b> the-- <b> </b> Jerry hangs up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sid left the keys in the car. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who's Sid? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's this guy in the neighborhood, parks cars on the block. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He moves them from one side of the street to the other so you don't get <b> </b> a ticket. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, do you pay him for that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, like fifty bucks a month. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How many people does he do that for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The whole block, forty, fifty cars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He only works three hours a day. He makes a fortune. Course he's been <b> </b><b> </b> doing that for years, right Jerry? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Could anybody do that? <b> </b> Sid enters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Sid, what happened? <b> </b><b> SID </b> I'm sorry, Jerry. Maybe I'm getting too old for this stuff. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You left the keys in the car? <b> </b><b> SID </b> Well, you know they're making that Woody Allen movie in the block, and all <b> </b><b> </b> those people and trucks everywhere, when I saw him I must have got a little <b> </b> distracted. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know I'm in that movie? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You are? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I'm an extra. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How'd you get that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I was just watching them film yesterday and some guy just asked <b> </b><b> </b> me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right out of the clear blue sky? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Clear blue sky! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, why didn't they ask me? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got a quality. <b> </b><b> SID </b> Jerry, you got insurance, right? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SID </b> Well I'm going down to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday, for a <b> </b><b> </b> week, so I can't park it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This Wednesday? <b> </b><b> SID </b> No, next Wednesday, week after this Wednesday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SID </b> If I meant this Wednesday, I would have said this Wednesday. It's the <b> </b> week after this Wednesday. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sid, who's gonna move the cars while you're away? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SID </b> Whoever wants to move them, why do I care who moves them? They can move <b> </b><b> </b> themselves if they want. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe I could move them until you get back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SID </b> What's a young man like you want to move cars for? You don't work? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm in a transition phase right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SID </b> Well if you want to move the cars, move the cars. Just don't forget to <b> </b> take the keys out, that's all. <b> </b> Phone rings. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? Yeah, the defroster's the one on the bottom, just slide it all <b> </b> the way over. You're welcome. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Jerry and Elaine are in line at the rental car agency. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm in awe of his intellect, when he talks it sounds like he's reading <b> </b><b> </b> from one of his novels. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Owen March, I never heard of him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, he's not a baseball player. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's true. Well it sounds like it's going pretty good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Well, there is one little problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's sixty-six years old. <b> </b><b> RENTAL CAR AGENT </b> Next please. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, go, go. <b> </b><b> AGENT </b> Can I help you? Name please? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seinfeld. I made a reservation for a mid-size, and she's a small. I'm <b> </b> kidding around, of course. <b> </b><b> AGENT </b> Okay, let's see here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sixty-six years old? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, well, he's in perfect health. He works out, he's vibrant. You'd <b> </b><b> </b> really like him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would I like him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you think, would you go out with a sixty-six year old woman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'll tell you, she would have to be really vibrant. So vibrant, <b> </b><b> </b> she'd be spinning. <b> </b><b> AGENT </b> I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation? <b> </b><b> </b><b> AGENT </b> Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the <b> </b> reservation. <b> </b><b> AGENT </b> I know why we have reservations. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to <b> </b> take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation and <b> </b> that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody <b> </b> can just take them. <b> </b><b> AGENT </b> Let me, uh, speak with my supervisor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The agent goes into an office with a window in the door so she can be seen <b> </b> speaking with someone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, here we go. The supervisor. You know what she's saying over there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Marge, you see those two people over there? They think I'm talking <b> </b><b> </b> to you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you start talking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, you mean like this? So it looks like I'm saying something but I'm <b> </b><b> </b> not really saying anything at all? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now you say something else and they won't yell at me 'cause they thought <b> </b><b> </b> I was checking with you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, that's it. I think that's enough, see you later. <b> </b><b> </b> The agent returns. <b> </b><b> AGENT </b> I'm sorry, my supervisor says there's nothing we can do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it looked as if you were in a real conversation over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AGENT </b> But we do have a compact if you would like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fine. <b> </b><b> AGENT </b> Alright. We have a blue Ford Escort for you Mr. Seinfeld. Would you <b> </b> like insurance? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna beat the hell <b> </b> out of this car. <b> </b><b> AGENT </b> Please fill this out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you think, you think I'm making a big mistake? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, if you enjoy being with him, that's what's important. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I love being with him. I mean, I like being with him. It's okay being <b> </b> with him. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Elaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I just don't enjoy being with him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well that's what's important. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's around the corner, do I have to <b> </b> break up with him face to face or can I just wait and do it over the phone? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How many times you been out with him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Seven? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Face to face. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Seven dates is a face-to-face break up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If it was six I could have let you go, but seven, I'm afraid, is over <b> </b> the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hmm... How's the pasta over there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters, as he's walking in, George rushes in, pushes him out of the way <b> </b> and heads for the kitchen sink. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whoa, whoa!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is going on out there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I need like a bucket of water! I got a car overheating, I got an alarm <b> </b><b> </b> that won't go off, I'm pressing 'one', I'm pressing 'two', nothing! What do I <b> </b> do?! Help me! Help me! <b> </b> George runs off into the bathroom. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, you know they were supposed to do my scene today? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Today?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know they told me that they wanted me to walk down the block <b> </b> carrying this bag of groceries. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So I start to walk, and I trip, and the grocery bag goes flying, and <b> </b> Woody, Woody starts laughing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He was laughing?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, he was drinking something, it started to come out of his nose. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So then what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got a line in the movie! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get out! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's great! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You got a line in the Woody Allen movie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Pretty good, huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're in the movie? Is he in the scene? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, yeah, it's me and him. I might have a whole new career on my <b> </b> hands, huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mean *a* career. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So was Mia Farrow there? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, I didn't see him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's your line? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, well uh, okay I'm there with, uh, Woody, you know, I'm at this bar <b> </b> and, uh, I'm sit-- you know it's Woody Allen, did I mention that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The other three impatiently encourage Kramer to continue. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So I'm sitting there with Woody and I say, I turn to him and I go, <b> </b> "Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty." <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is that how you're gonna say it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, I'm working on it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do it like this. "These pretzels are making me thirsty." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. "These pretzels are making me thirsty." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no. See, that's no good. See, you don't know how to act. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "These pretzels are making me thirsty!!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry pinches his nose. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That was no good? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I didn't say anything. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm gonna go break up with Owen. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What was wrong with that? I had a different interpretation! Do you <b> </b> know anything about this pretzel guy?! Maybe he's been in the bar a really long <b> </b> time and he's really depressed because he has no job and no woman and he's <b> </b> parking cars for a living! (out the window to honking cars) Alright! Alright! <b> </b> Shut up! Shut up! I hear you! I'm coming down! These pretzels are making me <b> </b> thirsty! <b> </b> George storms out. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Still Jerry's apartment, some time later. There's a pounding on the door, Jerry <b> </b> opens it and Elaine enters with an unconscious older man. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my god. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Call an ambulance. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, he took it hard. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Owen is now lying on Jerry's couch and Elaine is explaining what happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We were walking down the block right by your house and I was just about <b> </b><b> </b> to break up with him then all of a sudden he started to twitch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance at one twenty nine west <b> </b> Eighty-first Street, apartment five-A. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tell then to hurry! Hurry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's an ambulance. (To the operator) I don't know but he's <b> </b> unconscious. <b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> These pretzels are making me thirsty. (He bites into a pretzel.) Boy, <b> </b> these pretzels are making me thirsty. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What happened here? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know, I don't know, what should we do? We called an ambulance, <b> </b> does anyone know first aid? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Shouldn't you do something with the extremities? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What extremities? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's an extremity? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You raise the feet, get blood to the head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You raise the head, you get blood to the feet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, what about a cold compress? They always do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't have a washcloth. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well use a paper towel. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't put a paper towel on his head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What about a big sponge? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How you gonna hold it on there? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Use a belt. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no no no no, that'll, it'll drip all over him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Should we walk him around? <b> </b><b> ELAINE AND KRAMER </b> Yes, yes. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I've seen them do that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no that's for a drug overdose. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Maybe that's what he's got. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no no no, Kramer, I just had lunch with him, he didn't leave the <b> </b> table. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well he could have dropped acid when you weren't looking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He is not a drug addict! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, you know what? Maybe he's a diabetic, he might just need a cookie <b> </b> or something. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A cookie! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Can you give him a cookie? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How's he gonna chew it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll move his teeth, it happened to my uncle, the sugar revived him. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer puts a cookie into Owen's mouth and starts working his jaw up and down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Careful, you're getting crumbs all over him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got him chewing but I don't think he's gonna swallow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know what, let's put a few cookies in a blender and he could drink <b> </b> it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Cookies don't liquefy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes they do, you can liquefy a cookie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright I'll get a blender. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What blender? I don't have a blender. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got a blender. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I would know if I had a blender. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where is the ambulance?! <b> </b> Just then a siren can be heard followed by a skidding sound followed by a <b> </b> crashing sound. <b> </b> The frame dissolves out and in as if to show time passing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, yes, I called for an ambulance like thirty-five <b> </b> minutes ago. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe what's going on out here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is an emergency, what's taking so long? (the door buzzer buzzes) <b> </b><b> </b> Wait a second, maybe that's them. (presses button) Hello? <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Paramedics. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. Okay, they're here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He seems to be breathing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya know, I gotta tell you, he's a pretty good-looking guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Those eyebrows could use a trimming, you ever mention that to him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Almost. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, look at this, c'mon, running wild there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's not an easy thing to bring up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's true. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aw, you should see his bathrobe, man, it's all silk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? Does he wear slippers? I bet he wears slippers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He does, how'd you know that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I could tell. <b> </b> Two paramedics enter with a stretcher. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What happened, what took you so long?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PARAMEDIC </b> We got here twenty minutes ago but we couldn't move, the whole <b> </b> intersection is gridlocked, I've never seen anything like it. So finally we <b> </b> make the turn and this guy who's running around triple-parking cars slammed into <b> </b> us with a blue Escort. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Blue Escort? That's my rent-a-car! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George enters, blotting his forehead with a washcloth. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh man. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened to the car? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sorry, you don't know what's going on out there! (looks at Owen) <b> </b> Who's he? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This guy I'm seeing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We don't know! <b> </b><b> PARAMEDIC </b> Who put cookies in his mouth? <b> </b><b> JERRY AND ELAINE </b> Cookies? <b> </b><b> PARAMEDIC </b> You're not supposed to do that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So how'd you hit the car? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was moving it across the street, I looked up and I saw Woody Allen <b> </b> and I got all distracted. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not even my car, it's a rental. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What are you doing out there?! You're holding up the production of the <b> </b> movie! We can't shoot and Woody, he's really mad at you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Woody mentioned me? What did he say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He said, 'Who's the moron in the blue jacket who's got the street all <b> </b> screwed up?' <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Should I apologize to Woody? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, I'll tell you what. Next time I talk to him, maybe I'll bring <b> </b> it up. I'll feel him out. <b> </b><b> </b> Mid-episode Monologue. What do you think first aid was like though, like hundreds of years ago? You <b> </b> know, I mean they had no medicine, no drugs, no technology, no equipment. <b> </b> Basically, they were there first. That was it, that was the whole first aid. <b> </b> They sit with you. That's all they could do. 'Can you help me?' 'No, no we <b> </b> can't help you, we were the first ones here, I don't know if you know that. Did <b> </b> you see out truck? First aid, that's our motto. We show up before anybody.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Jerry, George and Sid are in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> SID </b> Now you didn't tell me you didn't know how to drive. You should have <b> </b> mentioned that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I know how to drive. <b> </b><b> SID </b> Then how'd all those cars get damaged? Why are people calling me up <b> </b> screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can I get anybody anything? <b> </b><b> SID </b> Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more <b> </b> sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's putting your <b> </b> pants on? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I put my pants on, Sid. <b> </b><b> SID </b> I don't believe you. If you can put your pants on, you can move those <b> </b><b> </b> cars. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SID </b> Who's gonna send money to my sister in Virginia? Her little boy needs <b> </b><b> </b> surgery on his foot. Now he'll be walking around with a limp because you can't <b> </b> park a few cars. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe I could call my father. <b> </b> Kramer enters holding a newspaper. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, you seen the paper yet? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Interestingly enough, no, inasmuch as it is my paper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. There's an article in there about that writer. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry (reading) Owen March, prominent author and essayist suffered a stroke <b> </b> yesterday in the upper West Side apartment of a friend. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh huh, that's the guy that was here. You're the friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The extent of the damage would have been far less severe <b> </b> had paramedics been able to reach him sooner. <b> </b><b> SID </b> Oh lord. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The commotion also delayed production of a Woody Allen movie <b> </b> that was shooting up the block. A spokeswoman for the legendary filmmaker said <b> </b> that Mr. Allen was extremely agitated and wondered if his days of shooting <b> </b> movies in New York were over. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Elaine and Jerry are back at the car rental agency, Jerry's eating a bag of <b> </b> pretzels. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Five seconds. Jerry, I was five seconds away from breaking up with <b> </b> him. Five seconds. The next words out of my mouth were, 'Owen, it's over.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can he communicate? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, well, he nods. And I think he understands me, he seems to enjoy <b> </b><b> </b> it when I read to him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, she's free. (Steps up to the counter) Hi, I called before, <b> </b> uh, my car got smashed. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So listen, what should I do? I mean if I break up with him now it'll <b> </b> look like I'm abandoning him because of his condition, I'll be ostracized from <b> </b> the community. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What community? There's a community? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Of course there's a community. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All these years I'm living in a community, I had no idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AGENT </b> Sir the estimate on the damage to your car is two thousand eight hundred <b> </b><b> </b> and sixty-six dollars. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hmm, well, I got the insurance and everything so... <b> </b><b> </b><b> AGENT </b> Yes, now, uh, in your report you said that you were not the driver of <b> </b> the car at the time of the accident. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That is right, somebody else was driving. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AGENT </b> Alright, well, sir, you're only covered for when you're driving the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh huh, what's that? <b> </b><b> AGENT </b> You're not covered for other drivers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Other drivers? <b> </b><b> AGENT </b> Um hm. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your whole business is based on other drivers. It's a rented car. <b> </b> That's who's driving it, other drivers. Doesn't my credit card cover me or <b> </b> something? <b> </b><b> AGENT </b> Not that particular one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I got a hundred cards, here, pick a card, take a card, any card you <b> </b><b> </b> want, go ahead, whichever one, I don't care. <b> </b><b> AGENT </b> Sir, if you had read the rental agreement-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you see the size of that document? It's like the Declaration of <b> </b> Independence, who's gonna read that? <b> </b><b> AGENT </b> Mr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now, you are not covered for that <b> </b> damage and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> These pretzels are making me thirsty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Elaine and Owen are at Owen's apartment, Owen is in a wheelchair and in <b> </b> generally unresponsive as Elaine feeds him soup. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ahh, it's good, isn't it? Yankee Bean. Why Yankee Bean, huh? Don't <b> </b> they have beans in the south? I mean if you order Yankee Bean in the south, are <b> </b> they offended? Huh? (singing) Yankee Bean, Yankee Bean, I like my Yankee <b> </b> Bean. (she puts the bowl down and wipes Owen's mouth with a napkin) Owen, I <b> </b> think we have to talk. I mean, uh, *I* have to talk. It would be nice if *we* <b> </b> could, but, uh, whatever. Um, don't get me wrong, I like coming here, and uh, <b> </b> feeding you and cleaning a little, and paying your bills, that's good stuff. <b> </b> Good stuff! I have a wonderful time when I'm with you, wonderful! But at this <b> </b> point in my life, I'm not really sure that I'm ready to make a commitment to one <b> </b> person. I'm just not really sure that we have enough in common. For example, I <b> </b> like running in the park, bicycling, roller skating, tennis and skiing, and um, <b> </b> well, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you now, Owen, it's a bitch to get here. <b> </b> It's two subways. I have to transfer at Forty-second Street to take the <b> </b> double-R. Anyway, I mean, this doesn't mean we can't be friends. These <b> </b> pretzels are making me thirsty. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Coffee shop. Elaine, Jerry and George are at their usual booth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked in a <b> </b> vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> An overdose of odor? Good question. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do I smell? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no no no, I was just down on the forty-second street subway today, <b> </b><b> </b> it is disgusting. Guess who I bumped into. Owen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ahh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's alright? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, he's almost fully recovered. He told me he was just using me for <b> </b> sex. <b> </b> The waitress brings the check. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me get that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No no no, I got it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Please. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No come on, let me, let me. I smashed your car, it cost you over two <b> </b> thousand dollars, <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters and sits down. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got fired from the movie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Get out of here, why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know they were gonna shoot it today, and uh, we rehearsed it <b> </b><b> </b> twice, then Woody yells 'Action!' and I turn to him and I say, 'These pretzels <b> </b> are making me thirsty' and I took a swig of beer, ya know, and I slammed the <b> </b> glass down on the bar and it shattered. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aww. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, one of the pieces must have hit Woody. He started crying. And <b> </b> he yells out, 'I'm bleeding' and he runs off. Anyway, this woman, she came up <b> </b> to me and she says, 'You're fired.' Boy I really nailed that scene. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer drops a pair of gloves on the table. Jerry picks up the gloves. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw, wait a--. Oh. Oh, for crying out loud. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best part <b> </b> of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was to get married, <b> </b> you know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, all <b> </b> I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one. Do you take <b> </b> this man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there. Rest of the <b> </b> time, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get the sniffles, you <b> </b> better be there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Alternate Side Script

1991-12-11

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE RED DOT </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry it's gotta be a little bit of a scary place to work. I don't know how you feel about it. You want to be standing there having people comming in all day going "I need knives. I need more knives. Do you have any bigger knives? I'd like a bigger knife, a big, long, sharp knife, that's what I'm in the market for. I like them really sharp. Do you have one with hooks and gouges like blades and kind of serrated? That's the kind of knife I'm looking for. I need one I can throw. I need another one I can just hack away with. Do you have anything like that? <b> </b><b> </b> (Commercial) <b> </b> At a party <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, like you know what you're talking about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Like you do. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what do you think? They put the statue on a giant raft and a tugboat pulled it all the way from France? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you think? The brought it over in pieces and screwed it together like a coffee table? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. It's too early for a Christmas party isn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why did France give that to us anyway? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was a gift. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So countries just exchange gifts like that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If they like each other. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There's Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See that guy he's talking with? That's her new boyfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? They work here in the office? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. They're having a little fling so don't say anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who am I going to tell? My mother? Like I've got nothing better to talk about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't. He's a recovering alcoholic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. He's been off the wagon for two years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "Off the wagon"? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think it's off the wagon. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think it's "on the wagon". <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, George, what are you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What am I doing here? Ba-boom (holding out a present) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> *gasp* My god! My watch! You found my watch! (pushing Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where did you find it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Under the sofa cushion. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And you stopped by just to give it to me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's your Christmas present. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I though I'd never find it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well today's your lucky day. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. Today's *your* lucky day. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It will be my first one. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You want to work here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah one of the readers left and there's a job opening. Dick, this is Jerry and this is George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DICK </b> Hi nice to meet you. Is this the guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "The guy?" <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (softly to Dick) Dick. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How can you just get it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My boss told me to find someone. I'm in charge of it. All you have to do is meet him. Come on. Come on, come on, here hold my drink. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Cranberry juice? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And vodka. <b> </b><b> DICK </b> I got the cranberry juice. <b> </b><b> DICK </b> So... you're Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So... I'm Jerry. (he puts down the drink) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOSS </b> So have you ever done this kind of work before? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you know, book reports. That kind of stuff. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOSS </b> How do you read? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I like Mike Lubika. <b> </b><b> BOSS </b> Mike Lubika? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's a sports writer for the daily news. I find him very insightful... <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOSS </b> No, no, no. I mean authors. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lot of good ones. I don't even want to mention anyone because I'm afraid I'm going to leave somebody out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOSS </b> Name a couple. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who do I like? I, like, uh, Art, Vandelay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOSS </b> Art Vandelay? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's an obscure writer. Betnik, on the village. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOSS </b> What has he written? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Venetian Blinds. <b> </b><b> DICK </b> (picking up the drink) I've got new for you. I'm funnier than you are. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't get we together New Years day and watch some football. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where's my drink? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There. (turns to George) So, how did it go? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think he was impressed. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, no, this is just cranberry juice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, uh, I think maybe Dick picked up yours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Dick? He can't drink. He's an alcoholic. I told you to hold it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't know you meant *hold* it, I thought you meant hold it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> One drink like that and he could fall right off the wagon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Told you. <b> </b> At a clothing store. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I never feel comfortable in the women's department. I feel like I'm just a *little* too close to trying on a dress. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do I really have to buy her something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey the woman got you a job. The least you could do is buy her a gift. How about this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is that? Is that cashmere? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. She would love cashmere. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who doesn't like cashmere? Find me one person in the world that doesn't like cashmere. It's too expensive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at this. It's 85 dollars marked down from 600. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wow. Excuse me, Miss? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How come this sweater is only 85 dollars? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> (showing the dot) Oh, here. This is why. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? I don't see anything. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> See this red dot? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh it's damaged. (grabbing the sweater) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (grabbing the sweater back) Well it's not really damaged. 85 dollars huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> There's no exchanges on this. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think she would care about the red dot? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's hard to say. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't even think she'd notice it. Can you see it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I can see it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, but you know where it is. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what do you want me to do? Not look at it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pretend you didn't know it was there. Can you see it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's hard to pretend because I know where it is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well just take an overview. Can't you just take an overview? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You want me to take an overview? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Please. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I see a very cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something. That's my overview. <b> </b><b> </b> At Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah so? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's acting very strangely. I think he started drinking again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh boy, can you smell it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. I can't smell it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well if you can't smell it then he hasn't been drinking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You don't always smell someone from a drink. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes you do. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about one drink? Would you smell it from one drink? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes you would. <b> </b> Kramer enters <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll prove it. Would you do me a favor? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Would you take a drink and let us smell you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You can smell me without the drink. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I suspect that this guy I'm seeing might be drinking but I can't smell it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, well what am I drinking? What do you got? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got a bottle of scotch my uncle gave me. It's Hennigans. It's been here for two years. I've been using it as a paint thinner. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer drinks. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right. <b> </b> Elaine and Jerry lean up really close to him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't smell anything. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe we're too close to the bottle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's buzzer buzzes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (over the speaker) It's George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That is *damn* good scotch. I could do a commercial for this stuff. Mmmmm, boy that Hennigans goes down smooth. And afterwords you don't even smell. That's right folks. I just had three shots of Hennigans and I don't smell. Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigans, the no-smell, no-tell scotch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello everybody. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. (snuggling really close to George) I'm going to tell you what I think. I know you don't care what I think, but I'm going to tell you. I think that you are terrific. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (uncomfortablly) Thank you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey what's that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's an early Christmas present. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Christmas present? For who? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> For you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> *gasp* (pushing George) Get out of here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret. (singing) h-e-double n... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer. Yeah that'll do. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (opening the present) Oh George, this is beautiful. Is this cashmere? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course it's cashmere. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I love cashmere. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well who doesn't. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My, George this must have cost a fortune. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ahh, money. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, how could you let him spend so much money? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I tried to stop him. I couldn't. He just wants to make people happy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well good, good. Take it off you're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's that red dot on your sweater? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just take it off. I'm getting hot just looking at it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uhh. This. It's like a red dot. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What red dot? What are you talking about? Jerry come here for a second. Do you see anything here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (uncomfortable) Uh, I don't know. Uh, I don't know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What don't you know? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well do you see it or don't you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ahem. Say that again? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you see it or don't you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do I see it... or don't I? That's the question. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry goes to the counter and pours some scotch. He drinks it. He comes back groggy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now what did you ask me again. <b> </b> Kramer is snoring. <b> </b> (Commercial) <b> </b> (Whew, Jerry is saved by the bell.) <b> </b> At the office. Elaine is walking by. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're still here. You're a dynamo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe I get paid for this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll see you tomorrow. <b> </b> Elaine walks out. George gets back to work. The cleaning lady comes by. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How you doing? <b> </b><b> CLEANING LADY </b> Hello. <b> </b> The lady starts cleaning. George has a thought. He watches the lady as she is cleaning. <b> </b><b> </b> At Monk's. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You had sex with the cleaning woman on your desk? Who are you, how did you do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hennigans. I was there sitting in the office and the cleaning woman comes in. I've always been attracted to cleaning women. Cleaning women, chambermaids. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah chambermaids, I'm attracted to them too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why is that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a woman in your room. So go ahead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So she starts vaccuming, back and forth, back and forth, her hips swivelling, her breasts, uh... (trying to think of a word) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Convulsing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Convulsing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, I'm trying to help you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Then I asked her if she wanted a drink. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't drink. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know but I couldn't think of anything else to say to her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you started drinking. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So we started drinking, and I'll tell you I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next think I knew she was mopping the floor with me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So how was it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well the sex was okay, but I threw up from the Hennigans. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good thing the cleaning lady was there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Dick was fired. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mean to tell me if I had put that drink six inches over to the right, and none of this would have happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You knew he was an alcoholic. Why'd you put the drink down at all? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you saying? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm not saying anything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're saying something. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What could I be saying? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you're not saying nothing you must be saying something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> If I was saying something I would have said it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well why don't you say it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I said it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you say? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nothing. It's exhausting being with you. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's buzzer buzzes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (over the speaker) It's George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, let me ask you something something. Did George buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because it was cheaper? (Jerry is unconfortable) Ooookay, you just gave me the answer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I didn't. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes you did, yes you did. I saw your expression. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't have an expression. I have a deviated septum. I have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How much did he save? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Frankly I am shocked that you would ask such a question (Elaine sticking out her tongue like she isn't buying a word of it) of me, that you would think - the only surprise is how you could even think of that. That's what you were seeing. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine gets up and goes into the bathroom. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have to talk to Elaine. This cleaing lady is turning the screws on me. She's pushing for this whole relationship thing. She keeps calling me, threatening to go to the boss with this thing, I could lose my job, I gotta do something to keep her quiet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine is in the bathroom. She's wise to whole red dot thing. She's asking me all kinds of questions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you tell her anything? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you swear? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not swearing. I don't want to swear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh you told her didn't you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey George, did you buy that sweater knowing that red dot was on it because you could get it at a discount? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? Did I what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You did didn't you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine, I'm, I'm shocked. I'm shocked. Here I go out in the spirit of the season (Elaine looking like she's not buying a word of it) and spend all my savings to buy you the most beautiful Christmas sweater I have ever seen to show my appreciation to you at Christmas and this is the thanks that I get at Christmas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well Jerry told me that you did. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You told her? How could you tell her? I told you not to say anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't tell her you stupid idiot. She tricked you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine you don't understand. I had 103 temperature when I bought that sweater. I was so dizzy I was seeing red dots everywhere. I thought everything in the store had a red dot on it. I couldn't distinguish one red dot from another. I couldn't afford anything. I have nothing. I haven't worked for a really long time. (Jerry is standing right behind George. Jerry takes out a hankerchief and starts fake-crying in it.) I mean look, I have no clothes, look at what I'm wearing. It's just a little red dot. <b> </b><b> </b> At the office. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is for you. <b> </b><b> LADY </b> Oh, Georgie, you bought this for me? Oh I knew you cared for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> As you care for me. Which is why it is very important that you never breathe a word of this to anyone about the... you know. What, with Clarence Thomas and everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LADY </b> Okay, okay, can I open it now? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes of course go ahead. My guess is you're going to like this very much. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LADY </b> Oh! Is that cashmere? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course it's cashemere. <b> </b><b> LADY </b> A cashmere sweater. Oh Georgie Porgie! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just a little something for Christmas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LADY </b> When I was a little girl in Panama, a rich American came to our town and he was wearing the softest most beautiful sweater. I said to him, "what do you call this most beautiful fabric?", and he said "they call it cashmere". I repeated the words "cashmere, cashmere". I asked if I could have it, and he said "No. Get away from me." Then he started walk away. But I grabbed onto his leg screaming for him to give me the sweater and he dragged me through the street. And then he kicked at me with the other foot and threw some change at me. Oh, but I didn't want the change Georgie. I wanted the cashmere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I had a feeling you would like it. No, don't try it on now, try it on later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LADY </b> Wow, look at this. It feels so beautiful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Take it off. You're going to ruin it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LADY </b> (noticing the dot) What's this? <b> </b> At the comedy club. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was in the men's room the other day and they had the hand blower, instead of the paper towels, you know this thing. I like the hand blower I have to say. It takes a little bit longer, but I feel when you're in a room with a revolting stench you want to spend as much time as you can. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DICK </b> The only stench is comming from you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDIENCE </b> Oooooh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, wait a second, I believe we have a heckler ladies and gentlemen. Hey Dick I don't know what your problem is. It's not my fault you're back on the wagon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DICK </b> It's off the wagon. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In the old days how do you think they got the alcohol from town to town? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DICK </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> On the wagon. Don't you think they broke into a couple of those bottles along the way? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DICK </b> You can't drink on a wagon it would be too bumpy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They had smooth trails. What about the Cumberland Gap? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DICK </b> What the hell do you know about wagons? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know enough not to get on them. <b> </b> In the boss' office. <b> </b><b> BOSS </b> I'm going to get right to the point. It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who said that? <b> </b><b> BOSS </b> She did. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ingnorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frouned upon, you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you peope do that all the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOSS </b> You're fired. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well you didn't have to say it like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOSS </b> I want you out of here by the end of the day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about the whole Christmas spirit thing? Any flexability there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOSS </b> Nah. Wait, wait, she wanted me to give you this. <b> </b><b> </b> He tosses the sweater and it lands right on top of George's face. George walks out of the office "wearing" it. <b> </b><b> </b> In the hall of the office. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You had sex on your desk with the cleaning woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You never had sex in the office before? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. I once made out with someone but that was it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright so you made out with someone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well that's not sex. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kissing is sex. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kissing is not sex. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, did Jerry leave that drink next to Dick's on purpose? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Over here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm taking the kid out to dinner to chear him up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey Jerry when do you consider that sex has taken place? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I would say when the nipple makes its first appearance. <b> </b><b> </b> (Commercial) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, George told me that you left the drink next to Dick's on purpose. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nice try. So guess who heckled me at the club last night. <b> </b><b> </b> *crash* <b> </b><b> DICK </b> Merry Christmas. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my god that's Dick. It's Cape Fear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hide, hide under the desk. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ow, ow move over. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get off of me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've got no room. <b> </b> Dick walks over dragging behind him a Christmas tree. He looks down and notices them under the table. George holds out the sweater, his hand shaking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DICK </b> Is that cashmere? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course it's cashmere. <b> </b><b> DICK </b> (noticing the dot) What's this? <b> </b> At the comedy club. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But in a way, I think I inadvertantly turned this guy into an alcoholic. I hate being around alcoholics because they're either telling you how much they love you or how much they hate you. And those are the two statements that scare me the most. But I think he's okay now because I have no idea how he feels about me. He's finally off the wagon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DICK </b> You mean on the wagon. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't get smart. <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Red Dot Script

1992-01-08

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SUBWAY </b> Written by Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's Cafe, the whole gang at a booth) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, Coney Island. Ok, you can take the B or the F and switch <b> </b><b> </b> for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb <b> </b><b> </b> and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, <b> </b><b> </b> but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith <b> </b><b> </b> and 9th street, then you got to get on the R. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, yeah... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ok, what time is your job interview George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> 9:45 </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Remember, don't whistle on the elevator. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview, in 'Death of <b> </b><b> </b> a salesman'. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman, very encouraging. The <b> </b><b> </b> biggest loser in history of American literature. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, I'm gonna go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What time is the lesbian wedding? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b><b> 9:30 </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lesbian wedding. How do they work bride and groom out, what do they <b> </b><b> </b> flip a coin? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, they flip a coin. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, was that not politically correct? It's a legitimate question. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm so tired. I'll fall asleep on that train (yawns) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're <b> </b><b> </b><b> THINKING </b> "That's why I'm not heterosexual". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, come on let's go, pick up the check so we can go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm paying for breakfast? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why do I always pay? What am I made of money? You bunch of <b> </b><b> </b> deadbeats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> On the Subway. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How many tickets are you paying today? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, let's see: speeding, running a red light, no license, no <b> </b><b> </b> registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror...yeah. (gives <b> </b><b> </b> George a ticket) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No doors? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm fighting that one. You know, this is gonna cost me over six <b> </b><b> </b> hundred bucks. <b> </b> Blind violinist comes playing, with mug for the money. Everybody else gets <b> </b><b> </b> some change, except George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't carry any changes in these pants, it falls out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VIOLIN PLAYER </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That guy is not blind. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, can I convince anybody to come down to Coney Island with me? I <b> </b><b> </b> got to pick up my car at the pound. George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe they actually found your stolen car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not only that they found it. It was simonized and the front end was <b> </b><b> </b> aligned. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's amazing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what do you say? Run in the cyclone. Hotdogs on Nathan's is on <b> </b><b> </b> me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you? Satan? I'm close to a job here. It's my second <b> </b><b> </b> interview with them. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, biff. Elaine, merry-go-round? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't. I'm the best man. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, bumper-cars? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I've gotta go to court, I'll get in trouble. What's the matter with <b> </b><b> </b> you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Could be years before I get back to Coney Island. I can't go to <b> </b><b> </b> rides alone. <b> </b><b> SUBWAY ANNOUNCEMENT </b> 42th street. Change to D,N,RR,2,3,4,5,7,C,E,F train. <b> </b><b> </b> They all get off and go to different directions. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See'ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Another subway. Jerry comes in and sits down. Fat man across him gives a <b> </b><b> </b> look. <b> </b> George gets on another subway. Sits next to a beautiful woman. They smile to <b> </b><b> </b> another. <b> </b> Kramer rushes to yet another subway and tries to find a seat. Stumbles <b> </b><b> </b> around as all seats get filled right before him. <b> </b> He squeezes himself to same seat with obese young man. <b> </b> Jerry is falling asleep and leans towards the next guy who leaves and Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> falls in his seat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Woman next to George rubs her leg and George looks at her. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> You looking for a job? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me, why? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Well, you're reading the classifieds. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no no no. I was just looking for stock-pages. Here it is. <b> </b><b> </b> Looking for the quotes. Gotta check to quotes. Love a good quote. Oh, IBM <b> </b><b> </b> up a quarter. <b> </b><b> WOMEN </b> You didn't look like someone who needed a job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me? No, no, I don't, I don't. Doing very well, very well, yep. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMEN </b> So, you're in 'the market'? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah I'm, eh, in 'the market'. <b> </b><b> WOMEN </b> Which market? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Which market, the, eh, big one, the big market, the big board. <b> </b><b> </b> Bull market, bear market, you name the market, I'm there. <b> </b><b> WOMEN </b> So, do you work for one of those big broker-houses? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They wish. I hate the big broker-houses. Hate them with a passion. <b> </b><b> </b> Big broker-houses killed my father. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, they hurt him bad. Really hurt his feelings. It's a long <b> </b><b> </b> story. I- I don't like to talk about it, but I swore then that I would <b> </b><b> </b> never work for big broker-houses. See, all they care about is money. I'm <b> </b><b> </b> about more than money, I'm about people, always gone my own way and I've <b> </b><b> </b> never looked back. <b> </b> Train horn blows and George looks back <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine's train. She's carrying a wedding present. A older woman approaches <b> </b><b> </b> her <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would <b> </b><b> </b> give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's ironic. <b> </b><b> WOMEN </b> What's ironic? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, <b> </b><b> </b> but you know we've lost the little things, the niceties. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> No, I mean what does 'ironic' mean? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh... <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Where are you up to, with such a nice present, birthday party? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A wedding. <b> </b><b> WOMEN </b> A wedding? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Hah, I didn't know people still get married. It's hard today with <b> </b><b> </b> men and women. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're telling me. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> So, are they a nice couple? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, very nice. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> What does he do, if you don't mind me asking? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She. <b> </b><b> WOMEN </b> She? She works, he doesn't. He sounds like my son. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There is no he. <b> </b><b> WOMEN </b> There is no he. So, who's getting married? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Em, two women. It's, eh...lesbian wedding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMEN </b> Lesbian wedding. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aha, yep. I'm the...eh...bes tman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMEN </b> My luck. I don't talk to a soul in the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> subway for 35 years. I get a best man at a lesbian wedding. (leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, no, you don't understand! I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, <b> </b><b> </b> but I'm not a lesbian! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer's train. A man leaves and lefts a newspaper to his seat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer and another guy glance each other and rush to get the paper. The <b> </b><b> </b> other man gets to it first and Kramer gets only little piece of one page. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's train. He is still sleeping and trying not to fall to the floor. <b> </b><b> </b> Man across gives him a look. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine's train. Train is full packed. <b> </b><b> ELAINE'S VOICE </b> I'm really looking forward to this. I love weddings. Maybe <b> </b><b> </b> I'll meet somebody, umm maybe not. <b> </b> Train suddenly stops <b> </b><b> ELAINE'S VOICE </b> Oh, man. We're stopping? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George's train. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Well, this is where I get off. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, you do? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Eh, hey why don't you...oh nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, what, what? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Well, I was going to say: why don't you get off with me, but you're <b> </b><b> </b> obviously very busy on your way to some important meeting or something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, well.... <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Yeah I knew it was a bad idea. <b> </b> George is in agony thinking if he should go or stay. Then runs after her <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, what's another million, give or take. I get off where and when <b> </b><b> </b> I wanna get off. <b> </b> He gets stuck between closing doors. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm stuck. Pull a little, just a second. Don't start the train! <b> </b><b> </b> Don't start the train!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer is reading a newspaper. Couple of men behind him are talking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN1 </b> This, it's the fourth horse of the first race, Pappanick. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN2 </b> How do you know it's going to win? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN1 </b> My UPS-guy tells. Guys who own the horses are regular customers. <b> </b><b> </b> Every horse he has ever given me has won. <b> </b> See, they've been sandbagging and looking for a good spot. He's been <b> </b><b> </b> getting it light cause they've been using bug boy and the workout hasn't <b> </b><b> </b> been published. Now they are ready to run with it. They are gonna break his <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> a lock. <b> </b><b> MAN2 </b> But it rained last night. <b> </b><b> MAN1 </b> Exactly, this horse loves the slop. It's in his bloodlines. His <b> </b><b> </b> father was a mudda', his mother was a mudda'. <b> </b><b> MAN2 </b> His mudda' was a mudda'? <b> </b><b> MAN1 </b> What did I just say? Come on, let's go to the office, I'm going to <b> </b><b> </b> call my bookie. Hey, don't tell anybody. <b> </b> Kramer quickly turns away <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry wakes up and looks to guy opposite to him. The fat guy is naked and <b> </b><b> </b> reading a paper. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> O-K. You realize of course, you're naked? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NAKED MAN </b> Naked, dressed. I don't see any difference. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You oughta' sit here. There is a difference. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NAKED MAN </b> You got something against naked body? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got something against yours. How about a couple of deep knee bends, <b> </b><b> </b> maybe a squat thrust? <b> </b><b> NAKED MAN </b> Who's got time for squat thrusts? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, how about skipping breakfast. I'm guessing you're not a <b> </b><b> </b> 'half-grapefruit and black coffee' guy. <b> </b><b> NAKED MAN </b> I like a good breakfast. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I understand, I like good breakfast. Long as you don't wind up <b> </b><b> </b> trapped in a room with bimbo broals(?) and pigtails, been counseled by Dick <b> </b><b> </b> Gregory. <b> </b><b> NAKED MAN </b> I'm not ashamed of my body. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's your problem, you should be. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Naked man drops half of his newspaper <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't get up, please, allow me. <b> </b> Jerry picks up the paper <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine is still trapped in a stopped train. <b> </b><b> ELAINE'S VOICE </b> Oh, this is great. This is what I need, just what I need. <b> </b><b> </b> Ok, take it easy I'm sure it's nothing. Probably rats on the track, we're <b> </b><b> </b> stopping for rats. God, it's so crowded. How can there be so many people? <b> </b><b> </b> This guy really smells, doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city? What is <b> </b><b> </b> so hard, you take the cap off, you roll it on. What's that? I feel <b> </b><b> </b> something rubbing against me. Disgusting animals, these people should be in <b> </b><b> </b> a gage. We are in a gage. What if I miss the wedding? I got the ring. <b> </b><b> </b> What'll they do? You can't get married without the ring. Oh, I can't <b> </b><b> </b> breath, I feel faint. Take it easy, it'll start moving soon. Think about <b> </b><b> </b> the people on the concentration camps, what they went through. And <b> </b><b> </b> hostages, what would you do if you were a hostage? Think about that. This <b> </b><b> </b> is nothing. No, it's not nothing, it's something. It's a nightmare! Help <b> </b><b> </b> me! Move it! Com'on move this fu(beep) thing!! Why isn't it moving?!? What <b> </b><b> </b> can go wrong with a train!?! It's on tracks, there's no traffic! How can a <b> </b><b> </b> train get stuck. Step on the gas!! What could it be? You'de think the <b> </b><b> </b> conductor would explain it to us? 'I'm sorry there's a delay we'll be <b> </b><b> </b> moving in 5 minutes'!! I wanna hear a voice. What's that on my leg?!! <b> </b><b> </b> Lights in the train go off <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and the woman step in to a hotel room. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you often on business trip? Nice...oh, hey nice ice-bucket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Make your-self comfortable. <b> </b> She steps in to bathroom. <b> </b><b> GEORGE'S VOICE </b> Make myself comfortable. What does that mean? Does she want <b> </b><b> </b> me to take my clothes off? Is she taking her clothes off? What if I take my <b> </b><b> </b> clothes off and she still has hers' on? Then I really look like an idiot. <b> </b><b> </b> She could get offended and leave. So maybe I should leave them on, but what <b> </b><b> </b> then if she takes her off? Then she'll feel humiliated. 'Make yourself <b> </b><b> </b> comfortable'. I got this unbelievable woman and this 'comfortable'-thing <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> can ruin me. I got it! I take my shoes off and sit on the bed. There, <b> </b><b> </b> that's comfortable. She can't accuse me being unconvertible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> She comes out from the bathroom, wearing a nightie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Gotta tell you I'm pretty comfortable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office. He is talking with a guy <b> </b><b> </b> behind in the line. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, it's all set. They got the bug boy on him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUY </b> The bug boy. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, the little father has run his hard out. They're gonna break <b> </b><b> </b> his maiden. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Really? But, it's a little bit slow out there it rained last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, this baby loves the slob, loves it, eats it up. Eats the slob. <b> </b><b> </b> Born in the slob. His father was a mudda'. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> His father was a mudda'? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> His mother was a mudda'. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> His mother was a mudda'? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What did I just say? <b> </b> Kramer gets to the cashier <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey,all right, 600 Pappanick to win. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's train <b> </b><b> FG </b> They still have no pitching. Goodin's a question mahk. ...You don't recover from those rotator cuffs so fast. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JS </b> I'm not worried about their best pitching. They got pitching. ...They got no hitting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FG </b> No hitting? They got hitting! Bonilla, Murry. ...They got no defence. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JS </b> Defence? Please. ...They need speed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FG </b> Speed? They got Coleman. ...They need a bullpen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JS </b> Franco's no good? ...They got no team leaders. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FG </b> They got Franco! ...What they need is a front office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JS </b> But you gotta like their chances. <b> </b><b> FG </b> I LUV their chances. <b> </b><b> JS </b> Tell you what. If they win the penant I'll sit naked with you at the World Series. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FG </b> It's a deal! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine is in a stopped train with no lights. <b> </b><b> ELAINE'S VOICE </b> Why couldn't I take a cab. For 6 dollars my whole life <b> </b><b> </b> could've changed. What is that on my leg? I'll never get out of here. What <b> </b><b> </b> if I'm here for the rest of my life? Maybe I'll get out in 5 seconds. 1 <b> </b><b> </b> banana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4 banana, 5 banana...no, I'm still here! Still <b> </b><b> </b> here! Why don't they start moving? Move! Move!! Move!!! Train starts <b> </b><b> </b> moving, lights get back on It's moving! It's moving! Yes! Yes!! Train <b> </b><b> </b> stops again and lights go off Motherf(beep-beep)!!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and the beautiful woman are still in the hotel room. The woman is <b> </b><b> </b> putting handcuffs on George and the other end to the backboard of the bed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Eh, gee, I hope you have the key for these things. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Oh, don't worry. I do. <b> </b> She steps in to the bathroom <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, my mother used to walk around on our apartment just in <b> </b><b> </b> her bra and panties. She didn't look anything like you, she was really <b> </b><b> </b> disgusting, really bad body. If you could imagine uglier and fatter version <b> </b><b> </b> of Shirley Booth. Remember Shirley Booth from Hazel. Really embarrassing, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> cause you know I had only mother in the whole neighborhood who was worse <b> </b><b> </b> looking than Hazel. Imagine the taunts I would hear. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Like what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Like a "Hey your mother is uglier than Hazel. Hazel really puts <b> </b><b> </b> your mother to shame" <b> </b> She comes out of the bathroom fully clothed <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's going on? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> It was a pleasure doing business with you George, but I'm afraid I <b> </b><b> </b> have to get going. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Get going? But we haven't really, you know.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Eight dollars? Eight dollars? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you doing? You're robbing me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMEN </b> I wasted my whole morning with you for eight dollars? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait, wait a second, what are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> I'm taking your clothes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, that's my only suit. It cost me 350 dollars. I got it at Moe Ginsburg <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Bye George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No wait, you can't just leave me here! Will I see you again? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office. The race is on and Pappanick <b> </b><b> </b> is slowly making ground <b> </b><b> </b> yes... <b> </b> The winner is Pappanick <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes! Yes! I won, hey (shouts to cashier) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer collects the winnings. A big pile of cash. Shows the money around. <b> </b><b> </b> There is a big thug looking at the money. <b> </b> Kramer goes into the subway and sees that the thug followed him. He makes <b> </b><b> </b> a run for it. Thug follows. Kramer steps out of the train and so does the <b> </b><b> </b> thug. Kramer tries to jump back on the train, but door closes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The naked man has put his clothes back on and he and Jerry are getting of <b> </b><b> </b> the train. <b> </b><b> </b> I haven't had a hotdog at Nathan's for 20 years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> First we ride the cyclone. <b> </b><b> </b> Chilly out. <b> </b> Jerry takes a deep breath <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aah, French fries. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer is running away from the thug and enters the train where the blind <b> </b><b> </b> violinist is playing. Kramer knocks down the violin player and the thug <b> </b><b> </b> picks Kramer up and looks for the money. <b> </b><b> THUG </b> Give me the money. Give me the money! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Police!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Back to the Monk's café. Jerry, Kramer and Elaine are sitting in a booth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I never got the car. We were having such a good time, by the <b> </b><b> </b> time I got to the police garage, it was closed. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Too bad. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You wouldn't believe what this guy put away at Nathan's. Look at <b> </b><b> </b> what we won! <b> </b> Waves around a stuffed monkey <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You want him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get that out of my face. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, you missed the wedding. You'll catch the bris! <b> </b><b> </b> George enters wearing a sheet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How would you like a 'Hare Krishna' fist on your throat, you little <b> </b><b> </b> punk? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Biff, what did you whistle on the elevator? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You have my spare-key in your apartment, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it's in the kitchen drawer. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Give me your key, I gotta get it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Never mind what happened, just give me the key. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on, I'll go with you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Here, pay. (Gives the check to Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait, wait, wait... <b> </b> Kramer gets the check, looks at it and gets pile of cash and pays. Jerry and Elaine look amazed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Subway Script

1992-01-15

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE PEZ DISPENSER </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...pianist. A classical pianist. She plays the piano. She's a <b> </b><b> </b> brilliant woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Waldstein Sonata! The Waldstein! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We did a crossword puzzle together, in bed. It was the most fun <b> </b><b> </b> I ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? in my life! <b> </b> Y'know? <b> </b> Jerry enters <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was telling you about Noel. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (sarcastically) Heh heh heh... So side-splittingly funny... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, I'm sorry. What about her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you think I'm going to repeat the whole thing now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, you told me you like her, everything is going good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No everything is not going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have <b> </b><b> </b> no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. Once in <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand-- no hand at <b> </b><b> </b> all. She has the hand; I have no hand... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How do I get the hand? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the <b> </b><b> </b> hand right from the opening. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's playing a recital this week at the McBierney School. You wanna hear her play? I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that sounds like somethin'... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Then afterwards maybe we could all go out together. Y'know she'll <b> </b><b> </b> see me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as myself. <b> </b><b> </b> Maybe I can get some hand that way. <b> </b> Kramer enters <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, smell my arm... Smell it! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> With all due respect, I don't think so... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That smells good, what is that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The beach! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The beach? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, did you go swimmin'? It's 29 degrees out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I just joined the Polar Bear Club. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You joined the Polar Bears?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What the Hell is a "Polar Bear"? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's these people-- they go swimmin' in the winter. They're terrific, I just took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr! It's invigorating.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah... So's shock therapy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (with glee) What is that, a Pez dispenser?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Want one? Yeah, I just bought it at the Flea Market. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, what goes on there, exactly? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't know? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I-I-I know... (retreats back to his Chinese take out) I know... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You think they have fleas there, don't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes you do, Biff. You've never been to a Flea Market, and you <b> </b><b> </b> think they have fleas there. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, I think they have fleas there. So what... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINELAINE </b> I don't know how anyone does this. It must be so nerve racking... <b> </b><b> </b> How do they warm up their fingers? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They have a piano backstage they warm up on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINELAINE </b> No, we would have heard it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, do you think they just crack their knuckles and come out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay? And don't applaud <b> </b><b> </b> when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (quickly whispering) I resent that you said that! That's <b> </b><b> </b> directed at me, isn't it?! <b> </b> A very elegant Noel comes out and sits at her piano. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is this okay? Can I do this? (he claps) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Something I said? (no response) It's John... Mollika. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINELAINE </b> Oh, oh, John... Oh, hi John... Hi... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> What're you doing down here? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I was just at this recital and Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg and I <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> started laughing. <b> </b><b> MOLLIKA </b> Jerry's in there? I heard you guys broke up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We did. We're just hanging out. <b> </b><b> MOLLIKA </b> REally. ... You really look great. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, uh, thank you. Are you still friends with Richie Appel? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MOLLIKA </b> Oh, Richie, he's been doing comedy in L. A. for a few years. He <b> </b><b> </b> just got back a month ago. He's kind of messed up. On drugs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I don't know what to do for the guy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Have you thought about an intervention? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MOLLIKA </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You get all his friends in a room, They confront himm to try to get <b> </b><b> </b> him into rehab. It's a very popular thing now. <b> </b><b> MOLLIKA </b> He'd never listen to anyone. ... Except of course Jerry. He'd listen to <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry. Jerry would have to be involved. He really respects Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut to Jerry playing with Tweety Bird Pez dispenser. <b> </b> Outside Noel's dressing room <b> </b><b> ELAINELAINE </b> I'm sorry. George, I'm sorry! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What did you put the Pez dispenser on her leg for in the first <b> </b><b> </b> place? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno, it was an impulse. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What kind of a sick impulse does that?? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could I know she would start to laugh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINELAINE </b> I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can we just go in already? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are we gonna tell her? <b> </b><b> ELAINELAINE </b> I'll tell her I was the one who laughed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, don't say a word. If she thinks my friends are jerks, then <b> </b><b> </b> I'm a jerk... <b> </b><b> ELAINELAINE </b> (To Jerry) Oh, remind me to talk to you about something later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey! We're discussing something! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, but I'm distracted now. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you? A baby!? All right. Tell her. <b> </b><b> </b> E When I was outside I ran into John Mollika. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really John Mollika, they guy that used to bartend at the Comedy Club. How's he doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, can we cut to the chase? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Cut to the chase"? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What're you, "Joe Hollywood"? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A lot of people say it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I would lose that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Accusingly) What's that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Lose that"? That's not a Hollywood expression! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Realizing full well it isn't) ...Yes it is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Anyway ... So John told me that Richie is in town from <b> </b><b> </b> Los Angeles and he's really messed up on drugs. So I told <b> </b> him that he should do an intervention. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really, an intervention ... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Y'know people, we got a situation over here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, but he want's you to be a part of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Me? Why me? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 'Cause Richie really respects you and he would listen to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y'know these things are really hard to load... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, OK, I'm goin' in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We've got to talk about this (to Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. <b> </b> (They Enter) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi, hi, hi, You were wonderful. <b> </b><b> NOEL </b> No.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, these are my friends, Elaine and Jerry, ... Noel <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You play a Hell of a piano. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I was really moved, really moved. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NOEL </b> Well didn't you hear that person laughing? I couldn't play. I was <b> </b><b> </b> humiliated... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I'm sure it wasn't at you. <b> </b><b> NOEL </b> Well then, what was she laughing at? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pez? <b> </b><b> NOEL </b> Uh, no, No thank you. Did you see her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me, uh, uh, no, ... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean only a sick twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Even if this so called mental defective did put something on her leg she's still the one who laughed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NOEL </b> I'll never forget that laugh for the rest of my life. (exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sure she would apologize if she could. Probably somebody is holding her back against every fibre in her being. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If she want's to continue to have a fibre of her being she'll be very careful (hitting each other) <b> </b><b> </b> (Noel enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, so are you ready, so we'll go out and get something to eat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NOEL </b> I don't feel like it tonight. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll be outside <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was nice meeting you By the way, How do you warm up your fingers before you play? <b> </b><b> </b><b> N </b> I just crack my knuckles. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We'll have a good time <b> </b><b> N </b> I don't feel like it <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, come on <b> </b><b> N </b> I said I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Um, all right, um, uh, I'll call 'ya. I'll call you and we'll talk on the phone. A telephone communiqué. Every thing is fine ok, uh, fine, .. (exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> (MONKS) </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know I thing Kramer might have been responsible for getting Richie involved with drugs in the first place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? How? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A few years ago the comedy club had a softball team. Kramer was our first baseman You couldn't get anything by him It was unbelievable. <b> </b><b> </b> Anyway this one game we came back to win from like 8 runs behind. So Kramer says to Richie why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head? The club owner. So Richie goes ahead and does it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So? What happened? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? The guy was like 67 years old, it was freezing out, he caught a cold, got pneumonia, <b> </b><b> </b> and a month later he was dead. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shut up! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All the comedians were happy. He was one of these club owners nobodu liked anyway. But Richie was never the same. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Whar about Kramer? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's the same! <b> </b> (Jerry on phone at home) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you sure you want me John. I have spoken to Richie in two years. I don't have a good apartment for <b> </b><b> </b> an intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational. All right All right. Goodbye. <b> </b><b> </b> (to Kramer) Remember Ricie Appel? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (looks shocked) Oh sure, the guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right, we'll John Mollika is organizing some kind of intervention for him. We're having it here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Can I get in on that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you think? It's like a poker game? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Is Elaine going? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I knew him as well as she did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but John invited her. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So what are you saying, you don't want me to intervene? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, intervene, go intervene all you want. I am just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Buzzer <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's George <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stop smelling your arm. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just <b> </b><b> </b> came home from the beach <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hum, a cologne that smells like the beach. I can't believe I'm saying this, "That's not a bad idea." <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Tell me about it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you call Steve D'Jiff, he works in the marketing department at Calvin Klein. <b> </b><b> </b> In fact he's a good friend of John Mollika and Richie also. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well it's over. It's definitely over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She broke up with you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, but I can tell she's going to. I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation. <b> </b><b> </b> I was so nervous before I called I made up this whole list of things to talk about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What was on the list? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let's see, How I'm very good at going in reverse in my car, why isn't Postum a more popular drink, <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, Postum is under-ratted, <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Anyway there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said <b> </b><b> </b> "no, maybe we could get together for lunch." You know what that means. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's wrong with lunch? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lunch is fine at the beginning then you move on to dinner. you don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again. I know it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I like the Jumble You ever do the Jumble? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have no power Do you understand? I need hand. I have no hand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Break up with her <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You break up with her. You reverse everything that way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A preemptive breakup. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. <b> </b><b> </b> We either break up which she would do anyway but at least I go out with some <b> </b><b> </b> Dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> (MONKS) </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, I am have to going to break up with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NOEL </b> You're breaking up with me? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I, ... am breaking up with, ... you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NOEL </b> Wow. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Shocked? <b> </b><b> NOEL </b> I really am. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Never expected this did you? <b> </b><b> NOEL </b> I thought everything was fine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, live and learn. <b> </b><b> NOEL </b> I don't understand. You're breaking up with me. Didn't we have fun doing the crossword puzzles? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kind of. <b> </b><b> NOEL </b> I'm very confused. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I didn't mean to hurt you kid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NOEL </b> I thought,... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now, stop it ... <b> </b><b> NOEL </b> What do you want, I can make you happy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When you're playing the piano do you think about me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NOEL </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is what I'm talking about. <b> </b><b> NOEL </b> OK, I'll think about you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All the time. <b> </b><b> NOEL </b> All the time? ... OK, All the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't hear you. <b> </b><b> NOEL </b> All the time. ALL THE TIME. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> See, It's not so hard. <b> </b><b> (CALVIN KLEIN) </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Go ahead smell, smell <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Yeah, so? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do you recognize it? ... The beach. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I'm talking about the beach. <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> What about it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know the way you smell when you first come home from the beach? <b> </b><b> </b> Well, I want to make a cologne that captures the essence of that smell. <b> </b><b> </b> Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> STEVE </b> That is the dumbest idea I have ever heard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, wait, Did you here what I just said? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Do you think people are going to pay $80 a bottle to smell like dead <b> </b><b> </b> fish and sea weed? That's why people take showers when the come <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> home from the beach. It's an objectionable offensive odour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So you don't think it's a good idea? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE INTERVENTION </b> I may have confused the names of some of the male interveners below) <b> </b><b> </b> To Elaine <b> </b><b> GUY </b> The membranes get dried and it just starts bleeding. Since I was a <b> </b><b> </b> kid so I have to stick tissue up there <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (very uninterested) Uh, you have to work like that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUY </b> Nobody minds Nobody has ever said anything to me. <b> </b><b> </b> To Jerry <b> </b><b> OTHER GUY </b> Are there any ice cubes? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In the freezer. <b> </b><b> OTHER GUY </b> I looked. There aren't any ice cubes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I guess there aren't any ice cubes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> OTHER GUY </b> I can't drink this. It's warm! (walks away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUY </b> Shouldn't we rehearse this a little bit before Richie comes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> What's the plan? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do I have to talk? I don't feel like talking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> OTHER GUY </b> Well, if he's not going to talk I'm not going to talk either. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUY </b> No, we all have to talk. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's the order? <b> </b><b> GUY </b> We'll go in alphabetical order. First Roberta. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBERTA </b> Why am I first? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Albano is your last name. <b> </b><b> ROBERTA </b> That's not my name any more. I'm divorced. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> I'll go first. <b> </b> Kramer enters <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Is this the interference? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Intervention. <b> </b><b> OTHER GUY </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, is it all right if I stay for the intervention? <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Hey, this is for close friends only. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm a friend. Who do you think told him to pour the Gatorade <b> </b><b> </b> over Marty Benson's head? <b> </b><b> OTHER GUY </b> Let him stay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, you know I got someone to make up that cologne for me, big mouth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Somebody's going to make that crap? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Some old guys enter <b> </b><b> OLD GUY </b> Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, come on, these are some of my polar bear buddies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> OTHER GUY </b> They can't stay. <b> </b><b> OLD GUY </b> We're having a party here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, we're having an intervention <b> </b><b> OLD GUY </b> An intervention? Who's intervening? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's a friend of ours on drugs and we're going to confront him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> OLD GUY </b> Sure, we used to do that when one of our polar bears stopped <b> </b><b> </b> coming. We would go to his house and say, "What you don't want to be a <b> </b><b> </b> polar bear anymore? It's too cold for you?" <b> </b> Buzzer <b> </b><b> GUY </b> It's him. <b> </b><b> ROBERTA </b> What should we do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hide! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's NOT a surprise party! Yeah (to intercom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's George <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, come on up. ... It's not him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GUY </b> If you don't go out with me it's because I'm a bar tender. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look, I don't think this is appropriate right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUY </b> Is it because I have a tissue in my nose? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're getting warm. <b> </b> George and Noel enter (Noel looks awful) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We just came from Chadway's(?) What's going on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're having the intervention for Richie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, right, right, the intervention. Should we leave? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, uh.. <b> </b><b> NOEL </b> (happily) Elaine, hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hi Noel <b> </b> (Noel sits on couch with Elaine with Old Guy between them) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you're looking well. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, let me tell you something, "A man without hand is not a man." <b> </b><b> </b> I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves. I got to thank Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Even if I were dragged through manure I still wouldn't put that stuff on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Kramer) This man is a genius. Genius! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> You think so? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't think so I know so, Kramer, come here I got to talk to you <b> </b><b> </b><b> OLD MAN </b> The male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch only the female has it. The male has pouch envy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Chuckles) <b> </b> Old GUY; at least give me a pocket. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughs) <b> </b> Noel turns to Elaine. Jerry raises his eyes to heaven <b> </b><b> NOEL </b> That laugh. That's the laugh. That's it. You're the one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no. It was an accident. It really wasn't my fault. It was Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg. <b> </b><b> NOEL </b> You put a Pez dispenser on her leg during my recital?. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't know she would laugh. <b> </b><b> NOEL </b> You lied to me George, you lied to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I, uh, um, wa, wa, What did I do? ... Where are you going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NOEL </b> I ... am breaking up ... with you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can't break up with me. I've got hand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NOEL </b> And you're going to need it. <b> </b> Noel exits, George chases her <b> </b> Richie and John enter <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Richie <b> </b><b> RICHIE </b> So what's going on? <b> </b> Later <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was pretty ugly from the get go. he's not listening, He's hostile, he's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> talking back. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't do these puzzles. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So he starts to get up He spots the Pez dispenser on the coffee table <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah ah Pez dispenser. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He picks it up - he stares at it - It's like he's hypnotized by it. Then he's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> telling us this story about how when he was a kid he was in the car with his father, and <b> </b><b> </b> his father was trying to load one of them <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well they're hard to load. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tell me something I don't know. So as the father's trying to load it he loses control <b> </b><b> </b> of the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria. Nobody's hurt but Pez is all <b> </b><b> </b> over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Poor kid. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So as he's telling the story he starts crying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What did you do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you think? I gave him my Pez dispenser. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wow <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Two hours later he checks into Smither's clinic. I talked to the doctor yesterday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> He's doing great on the rehab. He's hooked on Pez. He's eating them like there's no tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's a three letter word for candy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't do those things. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Pez Dispenser Script

1992-01-29

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SUICIDE </b> Written by Tom Leopold <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> The thing I don't understand about the suicide person is the people who try and commit suicide for some reason they don't die and that's it. They stop trying. Why? Why don't they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact it's worse because now they've found out one more thing you stink at. Okay, that's why these people don't succeed in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I say, pills don't work, try a rope. Car won't start in the garage, get a tune up. You know what I mean? There's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you have set for yourself. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Na. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? We're going out for dinner in ten minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you realize this is the last meal I am going to have for three days? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (buzzer) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. . . . I never heard of this. You've got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test. How you gonna do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. How could I possibly have ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think I'll take out the garbage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, have you ever fasted? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, once I didn't have dinner until, like 9:00 o'clock, that was pretty rough. (exits to hall with garbage – meets George) Hey, do me a favour will ya'? Throw out my garbage for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on, it's just down the hall. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Give me two bucks. I'll do it for two bucks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll give you 50 cents. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There's no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on. Fifty cents. (??) a piece of Drake's coffee cake <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're not getting no Drake's Coffee Cake for fifty cents. Yae, Hey, I'm all set. I got the ticket. I'm going to the Cayman Islands this Friday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's an incredible deal. I don't know why you don't come with me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, I don't go for these non-refundable deals. I can't commit to a woman. I'm not going to commit to an airline. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Gina enters the hall) <b> </b><b> GINA </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> GINA </b> How are you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gina, do you know what a Drake's Coffee Cake is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GINA </b> Of course, the plane cake with the sweet brown crumbs on the top. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How much do they cost? <b> </b><b> GINA </b> The junior? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no the full size. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no the junior. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You didn't say "junior". <b> </b><b> GINA </b> I haven't had one of those since I was a little girl. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? You should be ashamed of yourself. I want you out of here! (MARTIN enters the hall) How ya' doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARTIN </b> Good enough. <b> </b> (MARTIN leaves with Gina) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy she's sexy isn't she? <b> </b> (Jerry leaves garbage bag by Kramer's apartment and knocks on the door. As he and George enter Jerry's apartment Kramer comes out and takes the garbage bag.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you believe that guy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What guy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My neighbour: <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, that creepy guy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, did he think I was flirting with her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He didn't seem too pleased. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe I'll get a steak with french fried onion wings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> hey, you know what? I just remembered something. I had a dream about that guy last night. This is amazing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's so amazing? You've seen him before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I haven't seen him for months. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What was the dream? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport Maine. ??? night club. The stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think I've played there. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've had a lot of other paranormal stuff happen to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're a little paranormal <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, George, you know my friend goes to a psychic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh uh, you should go some time. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'd love to go. Make an appointment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Psychics, vacations. How about getting a job? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just got fired. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, come on, lets get out of here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I wonder what Ghandi ate before his fast. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah. Ghandi loved Triscuits. <b> </b> (They exit) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment late at night there is knocking at the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who is it? Who is it? <b> </b><b> GINA </b> It's Gina. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who? <b> </b><b> GINA </b> Martine's girl friend. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Martine? <b> </b><b> GINA </b> You next door neighbour. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Martin! <b> </b> (Jerry opens door) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's Martine. I think he's dying. He tried to kill himself with pills. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GINA </b> Come on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In my pajamas? I better get my robe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GINA </b> We don't have enough time. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It'll take two seconds. <b> </b><b> GINA </b> There is no time. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We don't have two seconds? <b> </b><b> GINA </b> All right. Go ahead. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, forget it. <b> </b><b> GINA </b> No, go ahead. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah. I'll just wear the pajamas. <b> </b><b> GINA </b> Will you just get it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> GINA </b> Forget it. Come on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, I'll go get the robe. <b> </b> (Metropolitan Hospital Center) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's not too bad. It's not like a Sunny von Bulow comma. The doctor said he should snap out of it anytime. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GINA </b> You know why he did this? Because I told him it was over. I did not want to see him anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? It's over? <b> </b><b> GINA </b> I could not stand it another minute. Yesterday he turned over a man's hot dog stand because he thought the man was looking at me. And then after he saw you in the hall. Ach, he was crazy with jealousy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh boy, did he say anything about me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GINA </b> He does not like you. And all indications are he does not like Drake's Coffee Cake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He said that? <b> </b><b> GINA </b> He was screaming about it all night. How it's too sweet and it falls apart when you eat it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry if I caused any trouble. I was just being friendly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GINA </b> I wasn't. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You weren't? <b> </b><b> GINA </b> No, I have thought about you many times. Have you thought about me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course. <b> </b><b> GINA </b> Tell me everything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you sure he can't hear anything? <b> . . .MARTIN, MARTIN. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GINA </b> I wish he was not in a coma. I wish he was dead. I wish I could pull the plug out from him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I, would, I would wait on that. I know how you feel but. Juries today, you never know how they're going to look at a thing like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GINA </b> I saw you looking at your watch. You want to leave? Go ahead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I just wanted to see what time it was. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GINA </b> Are you afraid of him? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GINA </b> Then kiss me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here? <b> </b><b> GINA </b> Yes, right here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is this the proper venue? <b> </b><b> GINA </b> You don't want to? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, I want to. I, I very much want to. I, I desire to. I, I pine to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GINA </b> Then kiss me right in front of him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't. What if he wakes up? <b> </b><b> GINA </b> A man is lying here unconscious and you're afraid of him? What kind of a man are you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A man who respects a good comma. If it was one of those in and out comas, maybe. But when a guy's got a coma going like this ... you don't want to mess with it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Did you hear about Martin? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I heard. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I can't believe he's in a coma. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who told you about Martin? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman! He's good friends with him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jx; Oh, big mouth Newman. I should have guessed. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's got all of my attachments, you know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, let me ask you something. How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call Doctor Kavorkian? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know I don't get that whole suicide machine. There's no tall buildings where these people live? They can't wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So what's going on between you and Gina? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I went with her to the hospital last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, uh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So we're in the room and she's trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, uh, you see that's the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what did you do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, what kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't know what the coma etiquette was. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There is no coma etiquette. You see that's the beauty of the coma, man. It doesn't matter what you do around it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're saying, his girl, his car, his clothes, it's all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'd give him 24 hours to get out of it. They can't get out of it in 24 hours, it's a land rush. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So if the coma victim wakes up in a month, he's thrilled, he got out of the coma. He goes home, there's nothing left? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> NOTHING LEFT! That's why I'm trying to get that vacuum cleaner. Because somebody's going to grab it. <b> </b><b> </b> (The psychic's apartment) <b> </b><b> RULA </b> Martin's spirit came to you as a warning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why would he come to George? <b> </b><b> RULA </b> Because George has heightened extra sensory perception. FAYGY GET YOUR FINGER <b> OUT OF YOUR NOSE. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I knew it. I always felt different. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RULA </b> You are. Some coffee cake? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Drakes? <b> </b><b> RULA </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you buy this for me? <b> </b><b> RULA </b> No, why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ha, because I love Drake's Coffee Cake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RULA </b> Maybe I did. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Take it away. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She hasn't eaten in two days. <b> </b><b> RULA </b> Who's Pauline? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pauline? . . . Wait a minute. I got it. My brother once impregnated a woman named Pauline. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RULA </b> Do you think about her? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When I hear her name mentioned. <b> </b><b> RULA </b> Cut these with your left hand. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There was a woman, Audrey. She had a very big nose. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RULA </b> I see an Audrey, but with a small nose. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, yes, she had a nose job. I loved her very deeply. Will she ever speak to me again? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RULA </b> Not in this life. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Should you be smoking? <b> </b><b> RULA </b> Does it bother you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're pregnant. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> RULA </b> I smoked when I had Faisy. <b> </b><b> RULA </b> Ah oh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah oh? What? What Ah oh? <b> </b><b> RULA </b> I don't know about this trip George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can see the Cayman Islands in there? Is something going to happen to me? What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's really bad for the fetus. Do you know that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine, she's a psychic. She knows how the kid's going to be. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Should I not go on this trip? <b> </b><b> RULA </b> George, I am going to tell you something and I want you to really hear me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Now listen. I just don't know how a person, with everything we now know about pre-natal care can put a cigarette in her mouth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine, what are you doing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's disgusting. <b> </b><b> RULA </b> I DON'T BELIVE IT. I would like you both to leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh fine, I don't like to be around people who are just so irresponsible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RULA </b> Get the hell out. <b> </b> (Elaine leaving) <b> GEORGE </b> A plane crash? A Heart attack? Lupus? Is it Lupus? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RULA </b> Do you want me to call the super? He was an Israeli commando. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If you don't say anything I will assume it's a plane crash. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RULA </b> Get out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not a plane crash. (leaving) Is it a plane crash? <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> GINA </b> I do not like your toothbrush. There are no bristles. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can say what you want about me but I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GINA </b> It is too small for someone with such a big mouth (kisses Kerry). Let me ask you. What will you do if Martine wakes up? Run away like a mouse? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GINA </b> Who are these Stooges you speak of? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're a comedy team. <b> </b><b> GINA </b> Tell me about them. Everything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, they're three kind of funny looking guys and they hit each other a lot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GINA </b> You will show me The Stooges? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I will show you The Stooges. <b> </b><b> GINA </b> When? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I don't really know where The Stooges are right now but if I locate them you will be the first to know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GINA </b> Come, you walk me to a cab. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, uh, I uh, I don't want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe it's not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GINA </b> You're still afraid. You are not a man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GINA </b> Are you going to walk me to a cab or not? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, all right. All right. <b> </b> (Jerry and Gina meet Kramer and leaving his apartment with Newman) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You should just eat fruit. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I can't eat fruit. It makes me incontinent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> ??? </b> <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello Gina. Hello Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello Newman. <b> </b> (Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you think Newman would tell Martin if he wakes up? What kind of sicko would do that? He could kill me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> People smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked. It didn't hurt me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (jumps with fear to Jerry) Did you see that wall move? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, it's a good thing we came. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Could there be a native p0roblem in the Caymans? Maybe there's native unrest. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, I haven't eaten in three days. I was wondering how much longer it would be until I get my X-ray. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NURSE </b> We'll call you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, I want you to promise me something. If I'm ever in a comma. In the first 24 hours get everything out of my apartment and put it in storage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How come? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Looters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How do we know that dog food is any good? Who tastes it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's really hungry. <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, Newman's upstairs visiting Martin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would you buy my Cayman Island ticket? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're not going? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The psychic said something terrible will happen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I dig. <b> </b> (Metropolitan Hospital Center - Martin's room) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I want my vacuum cleaner! I know you can hear me. Look my mother, she's going to come and visit me. She sees that rug, she's going to kill me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> W </b> He can't hear you, you idiot. Why don't you just buy another one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why would I buy another one when I spent a hundred bucks on this one? <b> </b><b> </b><b> W </b> I have a carpet sweeper you can use. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't want a carpet sweeper. They don't do anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> W </b> It gets my rug clean. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> W </b> Well, you should take a look at my rug then. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I wouldn't set foot in your house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How's he doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He looks happy to me. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I hope he stays this happy when he wakes up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why wouldn't he? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> No reason. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He'll have a lot of catching up to do, I guess. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I'll bring him up to date. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How up to date? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oh, all the way up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And nothing could change your mind? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, it would take a hell of a lot. Because a friend is something you earn. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, Jerry has a friend who has free tickets to the Cayman Islands for this weekend. He's not going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I don't care much for the beach. I freckle. . . . Is that a,.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Drake's Coffee Cake <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Wow, where did you get that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> From my house. I got a whole box of them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Boy, that's the full size. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's your big boy. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Can I have a bite? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't give out bites. I got another one. But I'm saving it for later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Just one bite? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think so. You know they, they're so fragile. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> All right! All right. I won't say anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You swear? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I swear. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> On your mother's life? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> On my mother's life. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> oh oh oh oh oh <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oooh, <b> </b> (Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And there it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck either, but juicy tender breasts of duck. <b> </b><b> </b> (George sees the Psychic's girl, Faisy and follows her into the Psychic's room)) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...sweetheart, no come here, ... sweetheart <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RULA </b> pew, pew, pew, pew (breathing) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> how did I know you were here? Something drew me here. This is phenomenal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RULA </b> The nurse said she would be right back. They're supposed to take me into the delivery room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, that's great. That's great. By the way I have to apologize for my friend the other day. Friend? Uh, uh I don't even know that woman. I met her on the bus on the way over. I couldn't get rid of her. Uh, My psychic instincts were a little off .. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RULA </b> Oh, where's the nurse <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know where the nurse is. Sweetheart why don't you get a nurse for mommy? ... Anyway I was just curious. Remember the other day you were saying something about my trip. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RULA </b> Don't take that trip. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, why? Why? <b> </b><b> RULA </b> (screams) EEEY, beegit, beegit beegit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Doctor enters) <b> </b><b> DX </b> All right, Rula, it's time to go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because? Because? <b> </b> (Elaine enters Martins room) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Assassins! How dare they keep a person waiting like this! ... Drake's Coffee Cake? ... Give me that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Jerry, you better stop her or I'll tell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine! No! No! <b> </b><b> MARTIN </b> Ooooh, ahhhh, <b> </b> (In hallway as they wheel Rula to give birth) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus? <b> </b><b> </b> (Martin's room – Martin grabbing Jerry – Elaine eating the Drake's Coffee Cake) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> He did it right in this bed, Martin. Right in front of you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I want my vacuum cleaner! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It was disgusting. <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? We're going out to dinner in ten minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I never assisted in a birth before. It's really quite disgusting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did she name the kid? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You wouldn't believe it. Rasputin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Heey! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> when did you get back? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A couple of hours ago. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So how was it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> osh. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Woah. (hitting George) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow! (hitting George) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! (hitting George) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We played Backgammon in the nude. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! (hitting George) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She's a sweet kid. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nude backgammon with swimsuit models! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you know what? The second day I was there I stepped on a jellyfish. Now it kind of stung my foot. That's probably what Rula was trying to warn you about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, you gotta' watch for the jellyfish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it's an invitation to a house warming from Martin and Gina. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They moved in together? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it's some place down in the village. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Phew. <b> </b> (buzzer) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right we're coming down. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, where ya' going? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're taking Elaine to dinner. She's got to start the fast again. Um, you want to go? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Um, I'd like to but a bunch of us from the islands, we'll be getting together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elle McPherson going to be there? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> OH! I got to call her back. <b> </b> (Kramer exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Suicide Script

1992-02-05

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE FIX-UP </b> Written by Larry Charles &amp; Elaine Pope <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> I tell ya, I never really understood the importance of the conductor. I mean <b> </b> between you and me, what the hell is this guy doing? Do you really need <b> </b> somebody waving a stick in your face to play the violin? Does that really help <b> </b> you out? I could see how we need him at the beginning. Okay, tap-tap-tap, <b> </b> start. Okay, I can see how you need that. But once we're going, okay, once <b> </b> it's all happening, what do we need him for then? I don't see the cellist <b> </b> looking up, go, "I'm confused. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to <b> </b> do." And the conductor goes, "Do this. Like this" "Oh, okay, thank you very <b> </b> much." <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are seated at a table in a restaurant. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why even try anymore? There's no sense to it. I'm never gonna meet <b> </b> anybody, I should just accept it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yes you will. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I won't. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, maybe you won't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I mean it's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are my nostrils getting bigger? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. Why must it be so difficult? Why is there all this tension and <b> </b> hostility? Why can't I just walk up to a woman on the street and say, "Hi. I'm <b> </b> George. How are you?" Is that so terrible? <b> </b> Just then a beautiful woman walks past their table, George offers up a meek 'Hi' <b> </b> which the woman ignores as she passed. George then says 'Hi' a few more times <b> </b> as he reaches for and drinks from his water glass, as though we was saying that <b> </b> anyway and it had nothing to do with the woman. (Funnier to watch than read.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and a friend, Cynthia, are seated at a table in another restaurant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> There's just no men out there, you know? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> I mean the problem is that the good ones know they're good. And they <b> </b> know they're in such demand they're just not interested in confining themselves <b> </b> to one person. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I hate the good ones. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Is Jerry one of the good ones? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's a good question, I think he thinks he is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Well, the mediocre ones are available, but they're so insecure about <b> </b> not being one of the good ones that they're always going, "Well I'm not good <b> </b> enough for you, what are you doing with me?" and eventually I just go, "You're <b> </b> right." <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, maybe you need somebody between good and mediocre. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> No, maybe I need somebody who has nothing, somebody who just has to <b> </b> appreciate being with me because he's so desperate. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to George and Jerry, George is eating sloppily. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I mean it's gotten to the point where I'm flirting with operators on <b> </b> the phone. I almost made a date with one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, so there's still hope. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become <b> </b> hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you don't care, that <b> </b> indifference makes you attractive. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, so hopelessness is the key. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's my only hope. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Elaine and Cynthia. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> See, I wouldn't really mind so much, but I feel badly for my mother. <b> </b> I mean, if my mother weren't around, it wouldn't be so bad. But, I'm telling <b> </b> you, if I'm not married by the time I'm forty, I'm gonna have to kill her <b> </b> because it's the only fair thing to do. I just couldn't put her through that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, at least you're not bitter. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Who says I'm not bitter? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aren't you too young to be bitter? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> No, you can be young and bitter, just maybe not as bitter as I'm gonna <b> </b> be ten years from now, but I'm bitter. Anyway, don't tell anyone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Don't worry, your bitterness is safe with me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Um, order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna go throw up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Elaine are reading the newspaper at Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at my hands. Look. Filthy from the paper. You know, they should <b> </b> give you a Wet-nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what'd you do last night? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Went out with George, you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Went out with Cynthia. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How was it? What'd you talk about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you know, the usual; The Federal Reserve, the rainforest. <b> </b> Cynthia thought we should nuke the rainforest, you know, get rid of it in one <b> </b> fell swoop so we can at least eliminate it as a subject of conversation. What <b> </b> about you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We brushed on that. Actually, George was in rare form. He just can't <b> </b> find anybody. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know, Cynthia too. She's really given up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George too. <b> </b> They look at each other for a moment. <b> </b><b> JERRY AND ELAINE </b> Yeah, right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've never fixed anybody up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, me neither and I am not about to start with George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well why wouldn't you start with George? You think she's too good for <b> </b> George? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I didn't say 'too good', did I say 'too good'? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you implied it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I didn't say it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because if you think she's too good for George, you are dead wrong. <b> </b> Dead wrong. Who is she? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who is he? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's George! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She's Cynthia! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What, you don't think she's beautiful? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, what's with the eyebrows? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I went out with you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's because my standards are too low. And by the way, you know, <b> </b> women kill for eyebrows like that. Do you know that? I mean women pluck their <b> </b> real eyebrows out of their head, one by one, until they're bald, Jerry. Bald <b> </b> above the eyes! And then they paint in these eyebrows to look like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well let me tell you something about George. He is fast. He can run <b> </b> like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift a hundred pounds over his <b> </b> head without even knowing it. And you wouldn't know it to look at him, but <b> </b> George can bait a hook. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He can really do that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on, let's do it, I think they'll really get along. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What, are you into this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, come on, it's a good match. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, wait a minute, wait a minute. They're gonna be telling us how <b> </b> their dates went. Are we gonna share that information? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Naturally. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, wait a minute, we're gonna tell each other everything, I mean <b> </b> every secret? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Everything. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What if it worked out? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Out of the question. Out of the question! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! I'm not gonna do that! That's one step away from personal ads! <b> </b> And prostitutes! No! No, I am not going down that road! What does she look <b> </b> like? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's good looking. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How good looking? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Very good looking. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really good looking? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really very good looking. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would you take her out? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, I would take her out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, you hesitated. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What hesitate? I didn't hesitate! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, something's off here, you hesitated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm telling you, she's good looking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about the body, what kind of body? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good body, nice body. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How nice? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nice. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just nice? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pretty nice. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really good? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really very nice and good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about personality? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good personality. Funny. Bright. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Smarter than me? I don't want anyone smarter than me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could she be smarter than you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, let's see, let's see. What else. What else. Oh yeah, what <b> </b> does she do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Cynthia are having a similar discussion. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> First of all, what does he do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He was in real estate, um, now, he's not working right now- <b> </b><b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> He's not working?! How come he's not working? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, um, he, he got fired. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Why did he get fired? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh. Why? Oh, right. Um, well, he tried to poison his boss. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Excuse me? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Such a long story, Cynthia, seriously, I mean he just had some problems <b> </b> at work. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Is he nuts? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, no, he's a really really funny guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> What does he look like? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Pardon? <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> What does he look like? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, well, he's got a lot of character in his face. Um, he's short. <b> </b> Um, he's stocky. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Fat. Is that what you're saying, that he's fat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Powerful. He is so powerful, he can lift a hundred pounds right up <b> </b> over his head. And um, what else. What else. Oh, right. Um, well, he's kind <b> </b> of, just kind of losing his hair. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> He's bald? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! No, no, no, he's not bald. He's balding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> So he will be bald. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yup. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Jerry and George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What kind of hair? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, long dark hair. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Flowing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Flowing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick lustrous hair is <b> </b> very important to me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 'Thick lustrous hair is very important to me,' is that what you said? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, that's right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just clarifying. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me ask you this. If you stick your hand in the hair is it easy to <b> </b> get it out? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you want to be able to get it out or do you want to not be able to <b> </b> get it out? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'd like to be able to get it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think you'll get it out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about the skin? I need a good cheek, I like a good cheek. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's got a fine cheek. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is there a pinkish hue? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A pinkish hue? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, a rosy glow. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows, women kill to have her <b> </b> eyebrows. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who cares about eyebrows? Is she sweet? I like sweet. But not too <b> </b> sweet, you could throw up from that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think you'll throw up. *She* likes to throw up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Elaine and Cynthia. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Has he ever been married? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Has he been close? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He once spent a weekend with a woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> He didn't really try to poison his boss? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, he did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The next day, George is back at Jerry's. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We had an incredible phone conversation. We talked for like twenty <b> </b> minutes. I threw away my notes in the middle of the call. You know, I thought <b> </b> she had a great voice timbre. Is it timbre or tamber? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think it's tamber. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why'd I think it was timbre? Yeah, she could do voiceover commercials, <b> </b> why didn't you tell me about her voice? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't notice the voice. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's mellifluous! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, Saturday night. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She had to be impressed by that conversation, had to! It was a great <b> </b> performance. I am unbelievable on the phone. On the date they should just have <b> </b> two phones on the table at the restaurant, done. <b> </b> Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! Saturday night! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, what did she say? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She said you're getting together Saturday night! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She didn't mention anything about the conversation? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now, you see, I don't get that. We had a relaxed stimulating, great <b> </b> conversation, she doesn't mention it? Why doesn't she mention it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She could have mentioned the conversation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, alright, I'll go on the date, but that's that. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know my friend, Bob Sacamano? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, the guy from Jersey? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. He just got a job at a condom factory in Edison. Look at this, <b> </b> he gave me a gross. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you gonna do with all of them? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, well... Come on, take some, Jerry. Grab 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No thanks, they look like they came out of a cereal box. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on, Elaine, here, take half a bag. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Half a bag? What am I, a hooker? Anyway, they look kind of cheap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll take one. It's possible. <b> </b><b> </b> Mid-episode monologue. <b> </b> The problem with the condom is still buying them. I think we should have like a <b> </b> secret signal with the druggist that you just walk into the drugstore, you go up <b> </b> to the counter, he looks at you and if you go like this (nods) he puts them in <b> </b> the bag for you, that's it. You show up there, you put your little shaving <b> </b> cream, your little toothpaste, you know, "How are you today?" (nods) "Have a <b> </b> nice day." "You too." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Jerry are on the phone, waiting for George and Cynthia's date to end. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So where are they already, it's a quarter to twelve, they should be back <b> </b> by now, what did they do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think they went out to dinner. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait, I got another call. That must be him. (clicks over) Hello? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, it's me, I just got home. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hold on. (clicks back) It's George, he just got home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah, I got Cynthia on the other line. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I'll call you back as soon as I'm done. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Remember our pact. Full disclosure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course. (clicks back to George) Yeah, go ahead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright look, I'm gonna tell you, but I made a pact with Cynthia, we <b> </b> swore we were not going to tell you and Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can tell me, I'll vault it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's in the vault? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm locking the vault. What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We had sex. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my god, you had sex, how did that happen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. I closed my eyes and made a move. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> At your apartment? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She didn't stay over? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, she left. Listen, you can't mention any of this to Elaine. <b> </b> Cynthia will kill me, we made a deal. <b> </b> Cut to Elaine on the phone with Cynthia. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my god. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> He was uncomfortable because it was our first time so he felt he would <b> </b><b> </b> perform better if we did it in the kitchen. He said the kitchen is always the <b> </b> most sociable room in the house. And he was serious. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So? How was it? <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> How good could it be? My head was on a hot plate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wait, I got another call, that must be Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Oh wait, don't you tell him any of this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, ok. (clicks over) Hello? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, what did she have to say? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did he have to say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He said they had a good time. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Her too. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Anything else? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nope. You? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nope. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You sure? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yup. You? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright. Well uh, guess everything is under control. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Okay then. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright. Goodnight. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Goodnight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I left three messages. I can't believe this woman. She has sex with <b> </b> me, leaves ten minutes later then I never hear from her again. What kind of a <b> </b> person does this? I mean, she used me. I feel cheap and violated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm gonna do something about this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you gonna do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nevermind. Disgraceful. Leaves you sitting there on the kitchen floor <b> </b> like some kind of roach trap. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Sir, whatever. <b> </b> She's not going to get away with this. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I keep wracking my brain to try and figure out what I did. I was <b> </b> smart, I was funny, I made great small talk with the waitress so she could see I <b> </b> could relate to the commoners, you know, I'm a man of the people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm gonna call her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, don't call her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm calling her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, Jerry, don't call. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, forget it, I'm gonna call. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't want you to call. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get away from me, I'm gonna call her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Give me the phone! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, do you wanna fight? Do you wanna fight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, I'm gonna kill you! <b> </b> Kramer enters and gets between them to break up the fight. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey hey hey!! Come on! Jerry, George, now stop it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll just call her when you leave! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can't do that, it's none of your business! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It is so my business! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey hey hey! I don't want to hear another word out of either one of <b> </b> you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But tell him to give me the-- <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ay ay ay! The next one of you that opens up your mouth, says <b> </b> something, you're gonna have to deal with me. You know, I bet I know what this <b> </b> is about. It's about a woman, isn't it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but-- <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah yeah! You see, this is exactly what they want to do to you. They <b> </b><b> </b> play one against the other. You can't let them manipulate you like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But Kramer-- <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Noh noh noh! I want you guys to shake hands. Come on, there are <b> </b> plenty of women out there for all of us, let's go. <b> </b> Jerry and George shake hands. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes. You see? Isn't that better than fighting? Animosity? I mean, <b> </b> you wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me. Oh, by the way George, you <b> </b> know those condoms I gave you? They're defective, don't use them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Defective?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Defective. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How could you give me a defective condom?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I didn't even know they were defective. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry gets between them to break up the fight. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Didn't even thin you were gonna use them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you mean you didn't think I wasn't gonna use them?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Take it easy, you guys, just spread out! Don't worry about it, if <b> </b> anything was wrong she would have called you already! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine answers her door, it's Cynthia. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> I missed my period. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my god. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> I am very worried, I am never late. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But he used a condom, right? <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> I know, but these things aren't always foolproof. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh no. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Was it blue? <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Yeah. How'd you know? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just a hunch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is in his apartment trying to open a bottle of soda. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ow! Ow! Twist off! Twist off! Twist off! <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine walks in and give him a funny look. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hi. Soda? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No thanks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So tell me. What's the problem with your little flaky friend? She <b> </b> doesn't return calls? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who are you to talk about her like that? She'll call him when she's <b> </b> good and ready. You don't even know her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I know her. I know her type. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Her type? What type? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The type that doesn't return phone calls. I knew we shouldn't have done <b> </b> this, it was a bad idea in the first place, I told you! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You told me? You pushed this whole thing on me, it was your idea! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was just trying to help your bitter, twisted friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She's not bitter! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, bitter's a judgement call, but she's twisted! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Twisted? God, I did you a favor. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you said they had a good time, is there anything else you're <b> </b> keeping from me? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you calling me a liar? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm calling you one if you are one, are you a liar? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get your finger out of my face. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You get yours out, I was here first! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't care. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get it out! <b> </b> Kramer walks in just as this argument begins to turn into a slap fight, and gets <b> </b> in the middle. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey hey, alright, hey hey, stop it! Come on, break it up! What's the <b> </b> matter with you? Now don't you two see that you're in love with each other? I <b> </b> mean, why can't you face that already? You're running around out there looking <b> </b> for something that's not even there, when everything that you dream of is right <b> </b> here, right here in front of you. Now why can't you admit that? By the way, <b> </b> when you see George give him these, these'll work. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I knew those condoms were defective! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did you know they were defective?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George walks in. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because! Because she missed her period! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She missed her period? Oh my god. I can't believe it! I'm a father! <b> </b> I did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it! <b> </b> George rushes out, hysterical. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Cynthia are at a restaurant. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> So he shows up. He's all out of breath. He's disheveled. And he <b> </b> tells me that no matter what happens, whatever I decide is fine with him and <b> </b> that I could depend on him, and that he would be there to support me in whatever <b> </b> way I need. Elaine, I was speechless. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow. Wow. You see? You think you know somebody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> I said to him, "I really appreciate this, but I just got my period." <b> </b> And so, I asked him to come in, he came in-- <b> </b> George and Jerry walk up, Jerry is limping. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sorry, we're a little late. We got so hung up in traffic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Acting. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Very mature. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. Hi Cynthia. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well this is a great place to sit you got here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> Best seat in the house. (Looking at George) right next to the <b> </b> kitchen. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Stop it, stop it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what are these? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, we ordered some appetizers. Start eating. <b> </b><b> </b> George stars eating like a slob, Cynthia looks at him funny. You get the idea <b> </b> that the relationship has just ended. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is good. Oh, this is good. <b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> Have you ever fixed anybody up? Why do we do it? Why? You thought they would <b> </b> have a good time. And a little power trip for you, isn't it? Now, you're <b> </b> playing god. Of course god was the first person to fix people up. He fixed up <b> </b> Adam and Eve. You know, I'm sure he said to Adam, "She's nice. She's very free <b> </b> about her body, doesn't really wear that much. She was going out with a snake, I think that's over though." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Fix-Up Script

1992-02-12

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE BOYFRIEND PT 1 </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Larry Levin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> To me, going to the health club, you see all these people and they're <b> </b> working out, and they're training and they're getting in shape but the <b> </b> strange thing is nobody is really getting in shape for anything. The only <b> </b> reason that you're getting in shape is that so you can get through the <b> </b> workout. So we're working out, so that we'll be in shape, for when we have <b> </b> to do our exercise. This is the whole thing. The other thing I don't get <b> </b> about it, is why we're so careful about locking up our dirty towels and <b> </b> smelly jock-straps. What exactly is the black market on these disgusting gym <b> </b> clothes? I give my car to any valet guy in front of a restaraunt because he <b> </b> has a short red jacket, yeah he must be the valet guy, I don't even think <b> </b> about it but my stinking, putrified gym clothes, I got one of these locks <b> </b> you could put a bullet through it and it won't open. That stuff is safe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Gym Locker Room) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wide open, I was wide open underneath! I had three inches on that <b> </b> guy. You two were hogging the ball. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me? It wasn't me I never even saw the ball. All you do is dribble. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have to dribble, if I give it to you, you just shoot. You're a <b> </b> chucker. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh I'm a chucker. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's right, everytime you get the ball you shoot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe you called me a chucker. No way I'm a chucker, I do <b> </b> not chuck, never chucked, never have chucked, never will chuck, no chuck! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You chuck. <b> </b><b> GEROGE </b> Kramer am I a chucker? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're a chucker. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All these years I've been chuckin' and you've never told me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well it's not an easy thing to bring up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey you know this is the first time we've ever seen each other naked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Believe me I didn't see anything. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you didn't sneak a peak? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, did you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I snuck a peak. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why not? hey what about you George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> yeah, I ... I snuck a peak. ... But it was so fast I didn't see <b> </b> anything. It was just a blur. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just <b> </b><b> </b> don't want to have. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, I gotta go meet Newman. All right. I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Have a good one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> See ya. <b> </b> (Kramer exits) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> look at this guy. Does he have to stretch in here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know who that is? That's <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Keith Hernandez? The baseball player? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Positive. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wow, Keith Hernandez. He's such a great player. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, he's a real smart guy too. He's a Civil War buff. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'd love to be a Civil War buff. ... What do you have to do to be a buff <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So Biff wants to be a buff? ... Well sleeping less than 18 hours a day <b> </b><b> </b> would be a start. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ho ho ho ho. You know I only got two weeks left of unemployment. I got <b> </b><b> </b> to prove I've been looking for a job to get an extension <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, should we say something to him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yeah I'm sure he loves to hear from fans in the locker room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> well he could say hello to me. I wouldn't mind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's Keith Hernandez. You're Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you comparing yourself to Keith Hernandez. The guys a baseball <b> </b> player Jerry, Baseball! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know what he is. I recognized him. You didn't even notice him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, ... you are making some wisecracks in a night club... wo wo wo. <b> </b> The guy was in game SIX two runs down two outs facing elimination. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Excuse me. I don't want to disturb you, I'm Keith Hernandez and I just <b> </b> want to tell you what a big fan I am. I love your comedy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> I've always wanted to do what you do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What I do? You are one of my favorite ball players of all time <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mine too. <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> I love that bit about Jimmy Olson <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know Keith, what I've always wondered, with all these ball clubs <b> </b> flying around all season don't you think there would be a plane crash? ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KEITH </b> (to Jerry) Do you perform anywhere in new York right now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm performing in this club on the east Side. You should come in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But if you think about it...26 teams, 162 games a season, you'd think <b> </b> eventually an entire team would get wiped out. <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> You know, I live on the East Side. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll tell you what, I'll give you my number and uh, just give me a call, <b> </b><b> </b> tell me whenever you want to go. <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> or maybe just to get together for a cup of coffee <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. that would be great. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, it's only a matter of time. <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Who's this chucker? <b> </b><b> --- </b> <b> </b> (Monks) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's been three days and he hasn't called. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well maybe you should call him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't ... I can't <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. I just feel he should call me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's the difference? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't understand, Elaine. I don't want to be overanxious. If he wants <b> </b><b> </b> to see me he has my number, he should call. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yech, look at this ashtray. I hate cigarettes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't stand these guys. You give your number to them and then they <b> </b> don't call. Why do they do that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sorry honey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, I thought he liked me. I really thought he liked me. we were <b> </b> getting along. He came over to me I didn't go over to him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me? I mean here I <b> </b> meet this guy this great guy, a baseball player, best guy I ever met in my life. <b> </b> .. Well that's it. I'm never giving my number out to another guy again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sometimes I've given my number out to guys and it takes them a month to <b> </b><b> </b> call. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hu, good, good,... well if he's calling in a month he's got a prayer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know maybe he's been busy. Maybe he's been out of town? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, they don't have phones out of town? Why do(?) people say they're <b> </b> too busy. Too busy. Pick up a phone!! It takes two minutes. How can you be <b> </b> too busy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why don't you just go ahead and call him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't call here, it's a coffee shop. I mean what am I going to say to <b> </b> him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just ask him if he wants a to get together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> For what dinner? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Dinner's good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong? .. Isn't that like <b> </b> a turn off? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, He's A GUY! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ... this is all .. very confusing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STAND UP </b> <b> ========= </b> When you're in your thirties it's very hard to make a new friend. Whatever the <b> </b> group is that you've got now that's who you're going with. you're not <b> </b> interviewing, you're not looking at any new people, you're not interested in <b> </b> seeing any applications. They don't know the places. They don't know the food. <b> </b> They don't know the activities, If I meet a guy in a club on the gym or <b> </b> someplace I'm sure you're a very nice person you seem to have a lot of <b> </b> potential, but we're just not hiring right now. Of course when you're a kid, <b> </b> you can be friends with anybody. Remember when you were a little kid what were <b> </b> the qualifications? If someone's in front of my house NOW, That's my friend, <b> </b> they're my friend. That's it. Are you a grown up.? No. Great! Come on in. Jump <b> </b> up and down on my bed. And if you have anything in common at all, You like <b> </b> Cherry Soda? I like Cherry Soda! We'll be best friends! <b> </b><b> </b> (New York State Department of Labor) <b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> You know you only have two more weeks before your benefits run out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes and I was hoping ... to get a thirteen week extension. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> So where have you been looking for work? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well you know what I've discovered Mrs. Sokol. It's not so much the <b> </b> looking as the listening. I listen for work. And as I'm looking and listening I <b> </b> am also looking. You can't discount looking. It's sort of a combination. It's <b> </b> looking, and listening, listening and looking. But you must look. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> Can you be specific about any of these companies? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Specific, Ah, lets see. I've walked in and out of so many buildings <b> </b> they all .. blend in together, I uh, .. <b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> Well just give me one name. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Absolutely, uh, lets see there's, uh, Vandaley Industries, I just saw <b> </b> them. I got very close there. very close. <b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> And what type of company is that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Latex, latex manufacturing <b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> And you interviewed there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, for a sales position. Latex salesman, the selling of latex, and <b> </b> latex related products. They just wouldn't give me a chance. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> I'm going to need an address and a phone number for this uh, <b> </b> Vandaley company... <b> </b><b> GOERGE </b> You like gum? 'Cause I have a friend in the gum business. I got a <b> </b> gum guy. I make one phone call. I got boxes of delivered right to your door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> The address! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> YYYDDSSHE(?) ... Jose Jimenez. You recognize it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jose Jimenez, ... verrry funny. ..very funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> The ADDRESS! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> uh, Uh, Vandaley Industries, is uh. 129 West 81st street. It's a very <b> </b><b> </b> small industry Vandaley. It's one of the reasons I wanted to uh, work for them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> The PHONE number. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's uh, KL5-8383. Are you calling them soon because, they keep very <b> </b><b> </b> strange hours. <b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> As soon as I'm done wit you! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sure, well uh, you know I'll check in with you next week uh, I gotta run <b> </b><b> </b> now because I got a full plate this afternoon. All right, really go to <b> </b> uh,. <b> </b> (George runs down hall) <b> </b> (Street phone booth- George pulls kid out of booth) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Frantically, takes phone and screams...) He'll call you back. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (loungingly talking on phone) It's a par five. So you know I step up to <b> </b><b> </b> the tee and I hit a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway. <b> </b> I mean you know my hook, right? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, how about this shirt? Is this okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, ... He's a GUY! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> well it's a dog leg left, so I play the hook right? .. hold on there's <b> </b><b> </b> another call. <b> </b> (Phone Booth) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Frantically) Jerry, Jerry? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer put Jerry on the phone. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Angrily) Yeah, look I'm in the middle of something. Call back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer!! Kramer no!! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ... so the ball takes of and I'm waiting for it to turn. <b> </b><b> </b> (Phone Booth) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> hitting phone <b> </b> (Cop bangs on booth with kid beside him) <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I'll talk to Jerry. Yeah, (Hangs up) . . . you know that was <b> </b> Michael and Carol. She's wondering when we're going to come over and see <b> </b> the baby. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, see the baby again with the baby.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who are they? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, he's this guy who used to live in the building and they keep calling <b> </b><b> </b> us to see the baby. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (imitates) Ya' gotta see the babi - When are ya' gonna see the babi... <b> </b><b> </b> Can't they just send us a tape? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know if you waited a few more months it won't be a baby anymore <b> </b> then you wouldn't have to see it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> uh uh because then it would be all grown up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> yeah ha ha ha <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Kramer what do you think of this shirt? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (does a double take) It's too busy <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It looks like you're trying too hard to make an impression on him. <b> </b> You're not being yourself. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What guy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know he's just a guy but .. I LIKE him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Who are you talkin about? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, Keith uh Hernandez. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> KEITH HERNANDEZ? </b> <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (enters) KEITH HERNANDEZ? <b> </b><b> </b> (In cab) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do me a favor would you? Would you change lanes? Would you get outta <b> </b> this lane. You gotta get out of this lane. This lane stinks. They're <b> </b> all double parked here Please get outta this lane. I'm beggin you please <b> </b> please. <b> </b> (changes lanes) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what, bad mistake my mistake do me a favor go back to the other <b> </b><b> </b> lane - you'll never get there - forget this lane - y'a kn ow what this lane <b> </b> stinks - go back to the other lane - bad decision - go go go take this light - <b> </b> take this light - <b> </b><b> CABBY </b> That's it GET OUT!! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Get out? <b> </b><b> CABBY </b> Get out of my cab. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wa, I'm not getting out of this cab <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Cabby gets out) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no! You can't throw me out <b> </b> (Wrestling in cab) <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hellooo Newman. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I hate KEITH HERNANDEZ - hate him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I despise him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Why? I'll tell you why... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let me tell it .. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> No, you can't tell it .. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You always tell it .. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> All right, tell it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ja ja ja - just tell it <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> June 14, 1987.... Mets Phillies. We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon <b> </b> in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error to a five run Phillies <b> </b> ninth. Cost the Mets the game. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people, you know, they were <b> </b> waiting by the player's parking lot. Now we're coming down the ramp ... (cut <b> </b> to film of the day - like the Zabruter film - with the Umbrella man and <b> </b> everything - Oh so brilliant parody!!!) ... Newman was in front of me. Keith <b> </b> was coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, " Nice game pretty <b> </b> boy.". Keith continued past us up the ramp. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> A second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and <b> </b> profound way front that day forward. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What was it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He spit on us.... and I screamed out, "I'm hit!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Then I turned and the spit ricochet of him and it hit me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow! What a story. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise <b> </b><b> </b> of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss Benes as <b> </b> I've heard this story a number of times. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story Keith <b> </b> passes you and starts walking up the ramp then you say you were struck on <b> </b> the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple <b> </b> striking Newman between the third and forth rib. The spit then cam off <b> </b> the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist causing him to drop his <b> </b> baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, Pauses In mid air <b> </b> mind you- makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one <b> </b> magic luggie. <b> </b><b> (THE BRILLIANCE OF THIS SCENE IS THAT IT IS AN EXACT PARODY OF </b><b> KEVIN COSTNER'S COURTROOM SCENE IN </b><b> </b><b> THE FILM JFK - AND WAYNE KNIGHT PLAYED THE SAME POSITION IN BOTH!!!) </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well that's the way it happened. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened to your head when you got hit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well. uh, well my head went back and to the left <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Again <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Back and to the left <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Back and to the left Back and to the left <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, what are you saying? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I am saying that the spit could not have come from behind ... that there had to have been <b> </b> a second spitter behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claimed <b> </b> that would have caused your head to pitch forward. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So the spit could have only come from the front and to the right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But that is not what they would have you believe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I'm leavin'. Jerry's a nut. (Exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait, wait, (Exits) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The sad thing is we may never know the real truth. <b> </b><b> </b> (George runs in) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Frantically) Did anybody call here asking for Vandaley industries? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. What happened to you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now, listen closely. I was at the unemployment office and I told them that I was very close <b> </b> to getting a job with Vandaley Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when now when the phone <b> </b> rings you've got to answer "Vanadaley Industries". <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm Vanadaley Industries? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And what is that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're in latex <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Latex? And what do I do with latex? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya manufacture it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Here in this little apartment? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And what do I say about you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm going to hire you as my latex salesman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think so. Why would I do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because I asked you to. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk pushing papers <b> </b><b> </b> around, you can forget it. I have enough headaches just trying to <b> </b> manufacture the stuff. <b> </b> (Buzzer) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's Keith. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right we're coming down. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> KEITH HERNANDEZ:? </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, come on Elaine, lets go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where are you goin? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's giving me a ride You know there had to have been a second spitter. <b> </b><b> </b> But who was it? Who had the motive? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's what I've been trying to figure out the past five years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What the hell are you two talking about? (All exit) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Keith's car) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well that was really fun, thanks. <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Yeah, it really was. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Should I shake his hand? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, ... <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> UH, do you want to catch a movie this weekend? Have you seen JFK? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I haven't. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This weekend. WOW! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure, that would be great. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Damn, I was too overanxious, he must have noticed that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, ... if you want to. <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Well, how about this Friday? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, Friday's okay. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Go ahead shake his hand. You're Jerry Seinfeld. You've been on <b> </b> the Tonight Show. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, good night (holds hand out and shakes hand) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Goodnight. Oh, Jer, by the way, the woman we gave a ride to earlier <b> </b> tonight, <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Yeah. What's her story? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, I don't know, we used to go out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Would you mind if I gave her a call? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> For a date? <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no, uh, go ahead. You got a pen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KEITH </b> You sure you don't mind? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> .... (silence) <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So then we went to dinner. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who paid? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We split it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Split it. Pretty good. Talk about game six? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Naw, I gotta wait until its just the right time. <b> </b><b> </b> (Buzzer) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So then what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, nuthin'. Then he took me home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Shake his hand? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (smiling) Yeah <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What kind of a shake does he have? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good shake. Perfect shake. Single pump, not too hard, you know, doesn't <b> </b> have to prove anything, but, you know, firm enough to know he was there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, uh, you gonna see him again? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He asked me if I was doing anything Friday night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wow! The weekend. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So then as I was getting out of the car, ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b><b> HI </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sooo, how was your date? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What date? It's a GUY. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So you know , ... he called me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Already? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Keith called you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (nods) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He he This guy really gets around. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you mind? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't mind at all. Why should I mind? What did he say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He asked me out for Saturday night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, ya' going? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I told him I was busy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, really. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, we're going out Friday. <b> </b> (long pause) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Friday? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's going' out with you on Friday? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's supposed to see ME on Friday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, uh, I didn't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We made plans. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, uh, I'll cancel it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, don't cancel it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh. Well this is a little awkward, isn't it/ <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, frankly it is. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've never seen you jealous before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you're not even a fan. I was at game six - you didn't even watch <b> </b> it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wait a second wait a minute, You jealous of him or you jealous of me? <b> </b><b> </b> (long pause) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Any Hennigans around here? <b> </b> (Phone rings) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Vandaley Industries, Kel Varnsen speaking. May we help you? ... Oh Hi <b> </b> Keith. Na, I was just jokin' around <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. No. I don't mind at all. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (whispers) No, no, no, I can cancel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure, we can do something next week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (whispers I can cancel. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, its no problem at all. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (whispers) I,... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, take it easy. (hangs up) That was Keith. we're going to do <b> </b> something next week. <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey what are you doing Friday night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Friday night? Nothin', ... now. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, wanna come with me and see the baby? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fasten your seat belts. we're goin' to see the baby. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on, if you don't see the baby now you're never gonna see it <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, I'll go <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right <b> </b> (Jerry exits with garbage) <b> </b> (Kramer sits beside Elaine - awkward moment) <b> </b> (phone rings) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yallo. What delay industries? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> no no , .. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (from bathroom) VANDALEY, SAY VANDALEY! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Na, you're way way way off.. Well, yeah that's the right number but <b> </b> this is an apartment <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (from bathroom) VANDALEY, SAY VANDEL... (George falls) ... vandaley <b> </b> Industries, ... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> no problem, ... no problem. (Hangs up) ... How did YOU know who that <b> </b> was? <b> </b> (Jerry enters - sees George on the floor) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And you want to be my latex salesman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Notice magazine is on wrong side on the floor) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Boyfriend Part 1 Script

1992-02-12

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE BOYFRIEND PT 2 </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Larry Levin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (New York State department of Labor) <b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> Just sign here please. <b> GEORGE </b> I know who it was too. It was the guy who interviewed me. He was <b> </b> very threatened by me. Why else wouldn't he hire me? I could sell <b> </b> latex like that (snaps fingers). <b> MRS. SOKOL </b> Sign that. <b> GEORGE </b> Who is this? (sees photo) <b> MRS. SOKOL </b> It's my daughta' <b> GEORGE </b> THIS is your daughter? My God! My God! I I hope you don't mind my <b> </b> saying. She is breathtaking. <b> MRS. SOKOL </b> Ya' think so? <b> GEORGE </b> Ah, would you take this picture away from me. Take it away and get <b> </b> it outta here. Let me just sign this and go. <b> MRS. SOKOL </b> You know she doesn't even have a boyfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, Okay. Who do you think you're talking to? What are ya'... you <b> </b> trying to make a joke, because it's not funny. I can tell you that. <b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> I'm serious. <b> GEORGE </b> It's one think to not give me the extension But to tease and to <b> </b> torture me like this. There's no call for that. <b> MRS. SOKOL </b> Would you like her phone numba'? <b> MRS. SOKOL </b> Mrs. Sokol I, I don't know what to say. I, uh, where should I sign this <b> </b> thing? <b> MRS. SOKOL </b> No no no, Don't worry about it. <b> </b> (Fitzpatrick's Bar) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So tell me more about this game SIX. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Well, there was two outs, bottom of the tenth, we're one out away from losing <b> </b><b> </b> the series. <b> ELAINE </b> ooooh ahhh <b> </b> (Mike and Carol's Apartment) <b> KRAMER </b> (to baby) Koochie koochie koochie koo <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to baby) Hello. How are you/ <b> CAROL </b> So, wadda ya' think? Do you love her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. I do love her. (to baby) You have a very nice place here. <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> So how do you think she looks like? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Lyndon Johnson. <b> CAROL </b> What? Lyndon Johnson? <b> JERRY </b> He's joking. <b> KRAMER </b> I'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon Johnson. <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Jerry, I can't believe it took you so long to come see the baby. I kept saying to <b> </b> Michael, "When is Jerry going to see the baby?" <b> JERRY </b> I was saying the same thing. <b> CAROL </b> Let's take a picture. Michael, get the camera. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, you don't have to take a picture. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> I don't know where it is. <b> CAROL </b> It's in the bottom draw' of are dressa'. Hurry up! ... He's such an idiot. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jerry, You want to pick her up? <b> JERRY </b> I better not. <b> KRAMER </b> I'll pick her up. <b> BABY </b> (cries) <b> </b> (George's car) <b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> Thank you for a wonderful time George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Glad you enjoyed it. <b> CARRIE </b> I haven't had a Big Mac in a long time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ... millions and millions ... <b> CARRIE </b> Would you like to come up? <b> GEORGE </b> (pause) Would I like to come up? I would love to come up. I, I'm fighting not <b> </b><b> </b> to. Fighting! Unfortunately I uh have to get an early start tomorrow. Gotta' get up <b> </b> and hit that pavement <b> CARRIE </b> But it's Saturday. all the offices are closed. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got me an appointment with a hardware store. I'm not saying I want to do it <b> </b><b> </b> for the rest of my life, but, uh, hardware fascinates me. Don't you love to make a <b> </b> key? <b> CARRIE </b> Will you call me as soon as you get home? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pause) Tonight? <b> CARRIE </b> Yes. <b> GEORGE </b> Will I call you when I get home? ha ha What do you think? ee, you kill me <b> </b><b> </b> kill me <b> CARRIE </b> Well. good night.(puckers up) <b> </b> (Mike and Carol's Apartment) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well it was an accident. Right Jerry it was an accident. Ah, she's going to be <b> </b> all right. .. baby, baby, ah, baby. <b> </b> (Keith's car) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, thanks for a nice evening. It was really fun. <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Yeah, it was. (mind) Gosh, should I kiss her good night? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (mind) Is he going to try to kiss me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I love Cajun cooking. <b> KEITH </b> Really, you know my mom's one quarter Cajun. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, my father's half drunk. ha ha ha ha <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Maybe they should get together. (mind) Go ahead. Kiss her. <b> </b> I'm a baseball player dammit. <b> ELAINE </b> (mind) What's he waiting for? I thought he was a cool guy. <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> (mind) Come on I won the MVP in 79. I can do whatever I want to. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (mind) This is getting awkward. <b> KEITH </b> Well, goodnight <b> ELAINE </b> Good night (they kiss - REALLY KISS) <b> ELAINE </b> (mind) Who does this guy think he is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KEITH </b> (mind) I'm Keith Hernandez. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, who else? ... Mookie. Mookie was there. Do you know him? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know him. I know who he is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hum, he's such a great guy. You should meet him. You know he's the one <b> </b> who got that hit ... <b> JERRY </b> I know. He got the hit in game SIX. So, so then what happened? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nuthin'. Then he took me home. <b> JERRY </b> So, did you two, uh, ... have uh, ... <b> ELAINE </b> What?! <b> JERRY </b> ... You know <b> ELAINE </b> Milk? <b> JERRY </b> No! <b> ELAINE </b> Cookies? <b> JERRY </b> Did he kiss you good night? <b> ELAINE </b> I dunno. <b> JERRY </b> What do you mean you don't know? <b> ELAINE </b> All right. He kissed me. Okay? <b> JERRY </b> Well, what kind of a kiss? Was it a peck? Was it a kiss? Was it a long make <b> </b><b> </b> out thing? <b> ELAINE </b> Between a peck and a make out. <b> JERRY </b> So, you like him. <b> ELAINE </b> I don't understand. Before you were jealous of me. Now you're jealous of <b> </b><b> </b> him? <b> JERRY </b> Ah, I'm jealous of everybody. (phone rings) <b> JERRY </b> hello. Oh, hi. What's happening? ... what? oh um, sure, ... um, yeah, okay, <b> </b> uh. I'll see you then. Yeah, yeah, Bye. <b> ELAINE </b> Who was that? <b> JERRY </b> That was Keith. <b> ELAINE </b> What's going on? <b> JERRY </b> He wants me to help him move. <b> ELAINE </b> Help him move? Move what? <b> JERRY </b> You know, furniture. <b> ELAINE </b> So, what did you say? <b> JERRY </b> I said yes, but I don't feel right about it. I mean I hardly know the guy. That's a <b> </b> big step oin a relationship. The biggest. That's like going all the way. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And you feel you're not really ready for,... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well we went out one time. Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong? <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's going on? <b> JERRY </b> Keith Hernandez just asked me to help him move. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? Well, you hardly know the guy.... What a nerve. You see wasn't I <b> </b> right about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going to do it are you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ... I said yes. <b> KRAMER </b> YOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride or self respect? I mean, how <b> </b> can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going to do? You're going <b> </b> to start driving him to the airport? <b> JERRY </b> I'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT! <b> .. </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> yeah yeah <b> JERRY </b> hey Kramer do me a favour . <b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> JERRY </b> Don't mention it to anybody. <b> KRAMER </b> I wish you never mentioned it to ME. (exits) <b> </b><b> </b> (George's car) <b> GEORGE </b> I had a great time tonight Carrie. And I am going to call you as soon as I get <b> </b> home. <b> CARRIE </b> Don't bottha <b> GEORGE </b> Bother, wa', what kind of bother? <b> CARRIE </b> I would prefa' it if ya' didn'. <b> GEORGE </b> Why? Is there anything wrong? <b> CARRIE </b> It's over buddy. Done. Finished. So long. Good bye. Adios. Sayanara. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? <b> CARRIE </b> I bin thinkin about it. You got no job. You got no prospects. You're like Biff <b> </b><b> </b> Loman. <b> GEORGE </b> I went to the hardware store interview. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARRIE </b> You think I'm going to spend my life with somebody because he can get me a <b> </b> deal on a box of nails? <b> GEORGE </b> I thought were a team. <b> CARRIE </b> If I ever need a drill bit I'll call you. (exits car) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Carrie, could you do me a favour? Could you not mention this to your <b> </b> mother? <b> </b> (Fitzpatrick's Bar) <b> KEITH </b> Ya know I hate to brag but, uh, I did win eleven straight golden gloves. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (chuckles) <b> KEITH </b> I wouldn't have brought it up but since you mentioned it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ha, I didn't mention it. <b> KEITH </b> Well I won them anyway. <b> ELAINE </b> Well so what. I mean you played first base. I mean they always put the worst <b> </b><b> </b> player on first base. That's were they put me and I stunk. <b> KEITH </b> Elaine. you don't know the first thing about first base. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ha ha well I know something about getting to first base. And I know you'll <b> </b> never be there. <b> KEITH </b> The way I figure it I've already been there and I plan on rounding second <b> </b><b> </b> tonight at around eleven o'clock. <b> ELAINE </b> Well, uh, I'd watch the third base coach if I were you 'cause I don't think he's <b> </b><b> </b> waving you in. You know I hate to say this but I think we're really hitting it off. Get <b> </b> it? Get it? <b> KEITH </b> Funny. <b> </b> (Keith takes out a cigarette) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you doing? <b> KEITH </b> What's that? <b> ELAINE </b> You smoke? <b> KEITH </b> Yeah. <b> ELAINE </b> I didn't know you SMOKED. <b> KEITH </b> Is that a problem? <b> ELAINE </b> Uh, ... <b> </b> (Monks) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She likes him I mean she really likes him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How do you kn ow? <b> JERRY </b> Who wouldn't like him? I like him. And I'm a guy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I suppose he's an attractive man, I <b> , ... </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Forget that. He's a ball player. MVP( 1979. I'm making wise cracks in some <b> </b><b> </b> night club. This guy was in game six. They're a perfect match. They like go <b> </b> together. They're like one of these brother and sister couples that look alike. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hate those couples. I could never bee one of those couples. There are no bald <b> </b><b> </b> woman around. You know? <b> JERRY </b> You know I know this sounds a little arrogant but I never thought she would find <b> </b> anyone she would like better than me. Ya know, I guess I had my chance and that's <b> </b> that. <b> GEORGE </b> You know what I would like to do? I would really like to have sex with a tall <b> </b> woman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant Like six five. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> GEORGE </b> What was the tallest woman you ever slept with? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know ... six three. <b> GEORGE </b> Wow, ... god! You see this is all I think about. Sleeping with a giant. It's my <b> </b><b> </b> life's ambition. <b> JERRY </b> So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than say, Thomas <b> </b> Edison, Magellan, these types of people. <b> GEORGE </b> Magellan? You like Magellan? <b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah,. My favourite explorer. Around the world. Come on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who do you like? <b> GEORGE </b> I like DeSoto. <b> JERRY </b> DeSoto? What did he do? <b> GEORGE </b> Discovered the Mississippi. <b> JERRY </b> Oh. like they wouldn't have found that anyway. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, I've got to go down to the unemployment office. Wanna take a <b> </b><b> </b> walk? <b> JERRY </b> No I can't I've got some stuff to do then I've got to meet Keith at my apartment <b> </b><b> </b> at three. I'm helping him move. <b> GEORGE </b> What? The guy asked you to HELP HIM MOVE? Wow. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know isn't that something? <b> KRAMER </b> He's got money. Why doesn't he just pay a mover? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know ... he's got some valuable antiques, He's worried they'll break <b> </b><b> </b> something. <b> GEORGE </b> The next thing you know, he'll have you driving him to the airport.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> I'M NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (New York State Department of lab or) <b> GEORGE </b> I gave. I gave everything I could Mrs. Sokol. but nothing was good enough <b> </b><b> </b> for her. <b> MRS. SOKOL </b> Sign here please. <b> GEORGE </b> Ha, I don't know who she's looking for. I don't know. I'll tell you something. <b> </b><b> </b> She's very particular, your daughter. Very particular. What is she looking for some <b> </b> big hot shot businessman? Well I've got my pride too. I'm not going to beg her. <b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> All right just sign it. People are waiting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You, uh, you like baseball? (picks up baseball from desk) <b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> That was autographed by the '86 Mets. I saw every inning that year. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Funny, cause I happen to be very good friends with Keith Hernandez. <b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> You know Keith Hernandez. <b> GEORGE </b> Know him? Would you, uh, like to meet him? <b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> Oh, come on. Come on. <b> GEORGE </b> I can produce Keith Hernandez right here within the hour. <b> </b><b> MRS. SOKOL </b> All right. You got ONE hour. <b> GEORGE </b> All right Mrs. S. I and my good pal Keith Hernandez will be right back. <b> </b><b> </b> (exits) <b> </b> (Same phone booth) <b> </b> (George sees large construction worker in booth and leaves. he hops into a cab) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 129 west 81st street and hurry. <b> </b> (same cabby stares at him) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Goodbye (exits cab) <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Better bring your gloves, it's freezing out there. It shouldn't take too long. I'd <b> </b> say maybe, oh, four hours. Really though, Jerry, there's not that much. First we got <b> </b> the bedroom, we got two dressers and the bed. <b> JERRY </b> Is there a box spring? <b> KEITH </b> What's that? <b> JERRY </b> Is there a box spring? <b> KEITH </b> Yeah there's a box spring but it's attached to the headboard and we'll have to take <b> </b><b> </b> that apart. Then we got the couch. <b> JERRY </b> Is that a sectional? <b> KEITH </b> Yeah. Twelve pieces. (not clear) ...coffee table. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that a thick marble? <b> </b> (... Jerry and Keith start to laugh and Jerry walks behind Keith so they don't make eye <b> </b> contact and break up) <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Three inches thick. Got it in Italy. But the BIG problem is going to be the <b> </b><b> </b> convertible sofa. You see when you move it it tends to open up so it's going to be <b> </b> real difficult getting it down the stairs. <b> JERRY </b> STAIRS??? There's no elevator? <b> KEITH </b> Nah, it's a brownstone. Three floors. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry I can't do this. I can't do it. I can't. It, it's too soon. I don't know you. I <b> </b> can't help you move. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't. <b> </b> (Kramer enters, sees Keith and does a double take) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hello. <b> KEITH </b> Hello. <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you don't remember me. <b> KEITH </b> No should I (continuity error: in fact he SHOULD from the basketball game) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, you should. I certainly remember you. Let me refresh your memory. <b> </b><b> </b> (Newman enters) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> June 14th, 1987. Mets Phillies. You made a big error. Cost the Mets the <b> </b><b> </b> game. Then you're coming up the parking lot ramp. <b> KEITH </b> YOU said, "Nice game, pretty boy." <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, you remember. <b> NEWMAN </b> And then you spit on us. <b> KEITH </b> Hey, I didn't spit at you. <b> NEWMAN </b> Oh, yeah, right. <b> KRAMER </b> No no no, well, then who was it? <b> KEITH </b> Well lookit, the way I remember it (back to the grainy 8mm film parody) I was <b> </b><b> </b> walking up the ramp. I was upset about the game. That's when you called me pretty <b> </b> boy. It ticked me off. I started to turn around to say something and as I turned <b> </b> around I saw Roger McDowell behind the bushes over by that gravely road. ... <b> </b> Anyway he was talking to someone and they were talking to you. I tried to scream <b> </b> out but it was too late. It was already on its way. <b> JERRY </b> I told you! <b> NEWMAN </b> Wow, it was McDowell. <b> JERRY </b> But why? Why McDowell? <b> KRAMER </b> Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right field stands cursing at him <b> </b> in the bullpen all game. <b> NEWMAN </b> He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It was McDowell. <b> KRAMER </b> Oh boy. Uh, look uh, Keith, uh, we're sorry. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yeah, I couldn't be sorrier. I uh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KEITH </b> look guys, don't worry about it, I uh, Well I guess I better get going. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait, uh what are ya' doing? <b> KEITH </b> I gotta move. <b> KRAMER </b> Want any help? <b> KEITH </b> I'd love some. <b> KRAMER </b> I'd love to help you move. <b> NEWMAN </b> Me too. <b> KEITH </b> Ok guys, we gotta be careful of one thing. Some of the stuff's very fragile <b> </b><b> </b> We're going to have to handle it like a baby. <b> KRAMER </b> No sweat. <b> </b> (they exit) <b> </b> (phone rings) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, ... oh hi Elaine .. what's going on ... no he just left ... you broke up <b> </b><b> </b> with him? ... ME TOO .. what happened? ... oh smoking you know you're like <b> </b> going out with C. Everet Coope ... me ... nah ... I couldn't go through with it ... I <b> </b> just didn't feel ready ... so what are you doing now? ... Oh, great idea, I'll meet you <b> </b> there in like thirty minutes. Okay bye. <b> </b> (George frantically enters) <b> GEORGE </b> Keith, Keith Wa What happened? Where's Keith? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You just missed him. he just left. What do you need him for? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (out the window) Keith, Keith, up here. Can you do me a favor? I need you <b> </b><b> </b> to go to the unemployment office with me. I, I'm Jerry's friend ... the guy from the <b> </b> locker room, ... I'm the chucker. It'll take five minutes. Wait. Wait. <b> </b><b> </b> (sits down) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well Biff/ What's next? <b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. <b> </b> (Tall girl enters) <b> </b><b> TALL GIRL </b> Excuse me. I was walking behind you and you dropped your wallet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> </b> When You're moving your whole world becomes boxes. That's all you think about is <b> </b> boxes. Boxes, where are there boxes? You just wander down the street going in and out <b> </b> of stores. Are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes? I mean it's all you think <b> </b> about. You can't even talk to people because you can't concentrate. Shut up I'm looking <b> </b> for boxes. Just after a while you become like really into it you can smell them. You walk <b> </b> into a store. There's boxes here. Don't tell me you don't have boxes. Dammit, I can <b> </b> SMELL them. I'm like I'm obsessed. I love the smell of cardboard in the morning. You <b> </b> could be at a funeral. Everyone's mourning crying around, and your looking at the <b> </b> casket. That's a nice box Does anyone know where that guy got that box? When he's <b> </b> done with it do you think I could get that? it's got some nice handles on it. And that's <b> </b> what death is really. It's the last big move of your life. The hearse is like the van. The <b> </b> pale bearers are your close friends the only ones you could ask to help you with a big <b> </b> move like that. and the casket is that great perfect box you've been waiting for your <b> </b> whole life The only problem is, once you find it you're in it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Boyfriend Part 2 Script

1992-02-26

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE LIMO </b> Written by Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> Do you think that the people at the airport that run the stores have any idea <b> </b> what the prices are every place else in the world? Or do you think they just <b> </b> feel they have their own little country out there and they can charge anything <b> </b> they want? You're hungry? Tuna sandwich is nine dollars. You don't like it; <b> </b> go back to your own country. I think the whole airport airline complex is a <b> </b> huge scam just to sell the tuna sandwiches. I think that profit is what's <b> </b> supporting the whole air travel industry. I mean think about it; the terminals, <b> </b> the airplanes, it's all just a distraction so that you don't notice the beating <b> </b> that you're taking on the tuna. <b> </b><b> </b> George is at the airport. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's all departures. I see nothing but departures. (to the woman <b> </b> beside him) Do you know where the arrivals are? <b> </b> The woman walks away. George addresses the man standing on the other side. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, sir, do you have the time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> There's a clock over there. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> There. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But you have a watch on. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> It's right by the escalator. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why don't you just look at your watch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> I told you, it's right over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me see the watch. <b> </b> George grabs the man's wrist. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Hey! What are you, some kind of nut?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know we're living in a society! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry walks up from the ramp. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry. Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sorry, the flight was delayed, how long've you been waiting? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just got here. My car broke down on the Belt Parkway. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry, Oh I can't believe-- why don't you get rid of that piece of junk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> One mile from the exit it starts shaking, really violently shaking, <b> </b> like it's having a nervous breakdown. It completely stopped dead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you have no car? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what good are you? <b> </b> Jerry looks over towards a chauffer holding a sign that says <b> O'BRIEN </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll tell you one thing, this chauffeur's gonna be waiting a while, <b> </b> O'Brien's not showing up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How do you know? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He was in Chicago, the flight was overbooked, wouldn't let him on the <b> </b> plane. He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square Garden. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We should take his limo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a second. Think about it. He's not showing up. Wait till you <b> </b> see the line of cabs, its like forty-five minutes long. You said he's in <b> </b> Chicago. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's definitely in Chicago. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well the guy's just standing there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How would we do it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We just go up to him, we say, "We're O'Brien." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe he knows O'Brien? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, he doesn't know O'Brien, if he knew O'Brien he wouldn't have a <b> </b> sign. Let's just do it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What if we get caught? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's gonna happen? They can't kill us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who's gonna be O'Brien? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll be O'Brien. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who am I? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just me? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you don't want to be you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well if you're gonna be O'Brien, why can't I be somebody? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Like who? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Dylan Murphy. <b> </b> George mumbles something. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, now you wanna be Dylan Murphy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I like Dylan. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You could be Colin. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Colin O'Brien. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm Dylan Murphy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm Colin O'Brien. <b> </b> They walk towards the chauffer. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are we really doing this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on, <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Hey, do you have the time? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Clock over there. (to chauffer) O'Brien. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHAUFFER </b> Yes sir. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sorry we're late. <b> </b><b> CHAUFFER </b> Here let me take that for you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh thank you. <b> </b><b> CHAUFFER </b> I'll get the car and I'll bring it around front. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thank you very much. Dylan? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Colin? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Jerry are in the back of a limo. George is giddy with excitement. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is incredible! This is one of the greatest things I've ever done <b> </b> in my life! I'm gonna call my mother. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What for? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I dunno, I'm in a limo. (dials) Hello ma? It's me. Guess where I am. <b> </b> In the back of a limo. No, nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell you <b> </b> now. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would you stop <b> </b> it? Alright, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you! How's this? I'm <b> </b> *never* telling you! I don't care! No! Fine! Never!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She happy for you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can he hear us? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I thought I saw him look in the mirror suspiciously. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He can't hear us. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let's test him. Hey, driver. What do you say we stop off, pick up <b> </b> your sister, have a little fun back here? No, he can't hear us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where's he dropping us? Maybe we can get him to drop us right at my <b> </b> house? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We'll ask him. (opens partition) My dear fellow, where are you <b> </b> dropping us? <b> </b><b> CHAUFFER </b> Madison Square Garden, of course. I have the four passes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course, the uh, the four passes. (closes partition) Four passes to <b> </b><b> </b> Madison Square Garden? Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Of course! Chicago! <b> </b> The Knicks are playing the Bulls tonight! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We are going to the Knick game! Michael Jordan! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're going to the Knick game! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did I tell you?! Did I tell you?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe it! You may have hit with this one! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You see, you see? I see things as they are and I say, 'no!' Uh, wait, <b> </b> you see things as they are not and you s- Wait, uh, you see things, do you see <b> </b> things as they are? What do you say when you see things? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lemme call Elaine and Kramer. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If I see things as they are, I would ask 'why' or 'why not?' <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine? It's me. What are you doing tonight? Great. George and I <b> </b> have tickets, four free passes to the Knicks-Bulls game, Madison Square Garden. <b> </b> Can you go? Great, listen, call Kramer, tell him to meet us on the corner at <b> </b> seven o'clock. Alright. We're gonna pick you up in a limo. That's right <b> </b> babydoll. Hey listen, when we pick you up, I'm Murphy and George is O'Brien. I <b> </b> can't tell you now, it's a long story. I am serious. Okay. Okay bye. (opens <b> </b> partition) 'Scuse me, driver, we have to make a little stop first. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHAUFFER </b> I know. <b> </b><b> JERRY AND GEORGE </b> He knows? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where are we going? Why are we pulling off here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe it's a shortcut. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We're on the Grand Central, there's no traffic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver, why are we getting off this exit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHAUFFER </b> Pick up the other members of your party. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right. The other members of our party. (closes partition) Other <b> </b> members of our party? What other members of our party? I didn't even know we <b> </b> were in a party. Oh, I'm telling you, the jig is up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was a bad jig to begin with, we never should have started this jig. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It was a good jig. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was a bad jig, a terrible terrible jig. What are we gonna do now? <b> </b> They're gonna know you're not O'Brien. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There could be more than one O'Brien on a plane who ordered a limo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> First of all, you don't look like any O'Brien, period. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well you should have been O'Brien. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't want to be Murphy anymore; do I still have to be Murphy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, you have to be Murphy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It makes no sense now, me being Murphy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're Murphy! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm Seinfeld! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're Murphy!! Look, let's just jump out of the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're doing sixty miles an hour! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So we jump and roll, you won't get hurt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who are you, Mannix? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We're slowing down. Are those the people? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright put your hands up over your face, pretend you're sleeping. <b> </b><b> </b> The limo pulls over, two people, a man (Tim) and a woman (Eva), get in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Mr. O'Brien? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm, uh, Dylan Murphy. Mr. O'Brien had a long trip, he's sleeping. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EVA </b> Oh, well I don't want to disturb him. We're just rather <b> </b> excited to meet him face to face, finally. We're faithful readers of his <b> </b> newsletter. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Newsletter? <b> </b><b> TIM </b> And of course, his great book, "The Game". <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yes, he's very proud of his work in the big game. So you've never <b> </b> uh, met him before? <b> </b><b> EVA </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Never seen a picture of him? <b> </b><b> EVA </b> Never. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not even on the book jacket? <b> </b><b> EVA </b> There was no picture on the book jacket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey O'Brien, wake up, c'mon, we got company. Wake up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello. I'm O'Brien. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine meets Kramer of Jerry's corner. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, you took a cab? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah? So? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How much do you make? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm not telling you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> C'mon. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll tell you how much I make. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know how much you make. I don't even know why I'm doing this, I <b> </b> don't even like basketball. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You ever seen Michael Jordan? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just in those commercials. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Maybe you'll see him do one of those three-sixty dunks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, it's like this, here, you guard me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Kramer then drives to 'the hoop' and tumbles headfirst into a bunch of garbage <b> </b> cans. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to 'O'Brien' and 'Murphy' in the limo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think we're gonna make the tip off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> You think someone's been tipped off? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, um, you've read "The Big Game", have you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> EVA </b> Yes I've read it and I've memorized it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tell me your impressions, I would love to hear what a young woman <b> </b> thinks of "The Big Game". <b> </b><b> EVA </b> Well, this is sort of embarrassing, but it's changed my life. The way you <b> </b><b> </b> analyzed the game? The way you identify the major players? Well it left me <b> </b> breathless. You're a brilliant, brilliant man. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it's just a game. Remember that, kids. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Just a game. He's so humble. Don't forget what you wrote in the <b> </b> epilogue, the fate of the world depends on the outcome of this game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I was exaggerating a bit, just for effect. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He tends to exaggerate. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, I mean it's serious but-- <b> </b><b> EVA </b> We are really looking forward to your speech tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, my speech? <b> </b><b> EVA </b> Yes, your secretary faxed me the copy. Would you like to look it over? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you might as well look it over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Kramer and Elaine waiting on the corner. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So what's going on, how did all this happen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry and George called me from this limo and they said we're all going <b> </b><b> </b> to the Knicks-Bulls game. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Limo? I thought that George went to pick him up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He did. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well then why would they take a limo from the airport? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's pretty strange. Did he say anything else? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. He said, um, he said it's really important that we call them <b> </b> O'Brien and Murphy. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> O'Brien. Why would he want to be called O'Brien? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to the limo, George is reading from O'Brien's speech. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...and the Jews steal our money through their Zionist occupied <b> </b> government and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed white <b> </b> minority communities. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not going to open with that, are you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> EVA </b> What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I said so many things. <b> </b> Suddenly they hear a loud bang. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They're shooting! They're shooting! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Alright, get down! <b> </b> The limo comes to a screeching halt. Tim exits the limo to look around, Eva has <b> </b> fallen on top of George. <b> </b> Eva. Ohhh. I'm ready to die for you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's really very nice of you, Eva. Thank you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> EVA </b> But of course you know I would. I would do anything for you. Anything. <b> </b><b> </b> Tim returns. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Nothing to worry about, it was just a flat tire. But rest assured, we're <b> </b><b> </b> prepared to handle anything that might come up. <b> </b> Tim opens a briefcase filled with firearms. Eva grabs one and starts handling <b> </b> it sensually. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nice looking Lugar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jodi Baskerville, reporting live. <b> </b><b> JODI </b> I'm standing in front of the Paramount adjacent to Madison Square Garden <b> </b><b> </b> where a growing number of vociferous and angry demonstrators are gathering to <b> </b> protest the very first public appearance of Donald O'Brien, the leader of the <b> </b> midwestern regional chapter of the Aryan Union, and reputed to be their most <b> </b> charismatic spokesman. The reclusive Mr. O'Brien is an advocate of the violent <b> </b> overthrow of the government. He has openly professed a deep admiration of Adolf <b> </b> Hitler. Even David Duke has denounced him as a dangerous extremist. There is a <b> </b> full house inside awaiting his arrival from the airport. Sources tell me he is <b> </b> in route and should be arriving momentarily. Police have set up barricades, but <b> </b> quite frankly Bill and Jean, I don't think they're any match for the emotional <b> </b> fuse that has been lit here tonight. Reporting from the Paramount, I'm Jodi <b> </b> Baskerville, back to you in the studio. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Kramer and Elaine on the corner. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Something's very strange. George goes to the airport to pick up Jerry. <b> </b> They come back in a limo with four tickets to the basketball game and wanna be <b> </b> called O'Brien and Murphy? O'Brien. O'Brien, why O'Brien? <b> </b> A group of people approach from the adjacent sidewalk. One of them recognized <b> </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> DAN </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Dan! Oh, hi Dan, how are you? <b> </b><b> DAN </b> Good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, oh, this is um, Kramer. <b> </b><b> DAN </b> Oh, Kramer? <b> </b> They shake hands. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's going on? <b> </b><b> DAN </b> Oh, we're heading down to protest this big neo-nazi rally. The head of <b> </b> the Aryan Union is speaking, he's in from Chicago. You should come. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, can't, I'm going to the Knicks-Bulls game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DAN </b> Oh, well that's where the rally is. The Paramount, right next door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, well, maybe we'll run into you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DAN </b> Yeah, yeah ok. It's really gonna be something, this is the first time <b> </b><b> </b> he's ever appeared in public, no one even knows what he looks like. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Who? <b> </b><b> DAN </b> The head of the Aryan Union; O'Brien. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to the limo. Jerry and George are alone inside. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's taking him so long out there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Didja see the way she was looking at me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi though. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well we gotta make a plan before they come back, what are we gonna do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let's just make a run for it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't run, I have a bad hamstring. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How'd that happen? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I hurt it in a hotel room. You know where they tuck the covers in real <b> </b><b> </b> tight in those hotel rooms? I can't sleep like that so I tried to kick it out <b> </b> and I pulled it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, why do they make that bed so tight? You gotta sleep with your <b> </b> feet like that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> For a mental patient. Wait a minute, the phone, we'll call the police. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George grabs the phone and dials. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 9... 1... 1. She said she'd do anything. Hello, police? Uh, yeah <b> </b> listen, we're in the back of a limo in Queens-- <b> </b> Tim re-enters the limo. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> --Astroturf? You know who's responsible for that, don't you?! The <b> </b> Jews! Ah, the Jews hate grass. They always have, they always will. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> We'll be ready in a minute. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would you excuse us for a minute Tim boy, we're kind of in the middle <b> </b> of something. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> With all due respect, Mr. O'Brien, we're just about to leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tim, who's the head of the Aryan Union, you or me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> You are. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And who's responsible for making hate mongering and fascism popular <b> </b> again? <b> </b><b> TIM </b> You are. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good. I think you forgot something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good. Now get out. <b> </b> Tim leaves. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, what are we gonna do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, how's this? We wait till we get to your street corner, we see <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Kramer then we get out. They can't shoot us in the city. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah. No one's ever been shot in the city. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Elaine and Kramer on the corner. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm telling you, something's going on. I can feel it, sense it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sure he was just joking around. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh no no no, this is no joke. O'Brien's coming in from Chicago, <b> </b> Jerry's in a limo, says he's O'Brien? That's not funny. Oh my god. Yes. Yes! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Don't you see? There's always been something very strange about Jerry, <b> </b> always so clean and organized. Do I have to spell it out for you? The limo? <b> </b> The name? The rally at Madison Square Garden? Jerry, O'Brien are the same <b> </b> person. Jerry is the leader of the Aryan Union! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry's a nazi?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I can't believe I didn't see it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Listen, you idiot! Just calm down! I know Jerry, he's not a nazi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You don't think so. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, he's just neat. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to the limo. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> You know it's funny. You don't look like an O'Brien. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me?? <b> </b> George and Jerry laugh nervously. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> And you really don't look like a Murphy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I may not look like a Murphy but I act like a Murphy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's extremely Murphy. He's Murphy to a fault. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Where are you from? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Dublin. Originally. Parents came over here when I was eighteen. <b> </b> Cereal famine. Couldn't get a bowl anywhere. Bad. 'Tis a beautiful country <b> </b> though; lush rolling hills, and the peat, ah the peat. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Sounds more like Scottish. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We were right on the border. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to the street corner. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Maybe he's with the company. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The CIA! Maybe they placed him in there to infiltrate the organization <b> </b> from within. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about his comedy act? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's the perfect cover! All that time on the road? Look Jerry, he's <b> </b> too normal to be a comedian. These comedians, they're sick, neurotic people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about George? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What about him, he's part of it. His whole personality is a disguise. <b> </b> No real person can act the way he does. Elaine, I'm telling you they're with <b> </b> the organization. They're all part of it. He's in there with Helms and Hunt <b> </b> and Liddy, that whole crowd. George and Jerry, they probably know who killed <b> </b> Kennedy! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll bet they were even in on it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, what are we gonna do? I'm not gonna let him hurt you. (grabs <b> </b> and hugs Elaine tightly) I'm not gonna. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, you're hurting me! <b> </b><b> </b> Quick cut to the now approaching limo. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Those are my friends I was telling you about. We're gonna talk to <b> </b> them, pull over. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get off of me!! <b> </b> The limo pulls over and George and Jerry get out. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> O'Brien. <b> </b> This attracts the attention of Dan and his friends standing at a nearby bus <b> </b> stop. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> O'Brien? Is that him? <b> </b><b> MAN #2 </b> Yeah, that's him. <b> </b><b> MAN #3 </b> Look there's O'Brien! <b> </b><b> MAN #4 </b> Filthy nazi bastard! <b> </b><b> ALL FOUR </b> Let's get him!! <b> </b> They begin running full speed towards the gang. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do I do?! What do I do?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get in the car! Get in the car! <b> </b> George, Elaine, Jerry and Kramer all jump into the limo which speeds off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> O'Brien. Long time no see. How's tricks, Murphy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Why did you call him O'Brien and him Murphy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, he was talking to me, he's cross-eyed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It could be very confusing. <b> </b> The limo phone rings Kramer answers it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah? Eva? <b> </b><b> EVA </b> It's for me. (takes phone) Hello? (cups receiver) It's O'Brien. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> O'Brien? Well that's weird. <b> </b><b> EVA </b> Who are you? <b> </b> George and Jerry begin simultaneous explanations about how George's car broke <b> </b> down when he went to pick Jerry up at the airport. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Jodi Baskerville, reporting live. <b> </b><b> JODI </b> A limousine has just pulled up it's being surrounded by a huge group of <b> </b><b> </b> protestors, this has the makings of a very ugly scene. <b> </b> Cut back to the limo, Elaine has joined the group explanation, none of the three <b> </b> are intelligible at this point. <b> </b><b> JODI </b> They are banging on the car, trying to flip it over. The police seem <b> </b> unable or unwilling to control the crowd, I would imagine Mr. O'Brien must be <b> </b> having some very grave doubts if he made the right choice for his first public <b> </b> appearance. <b> </b> Cut back to the limo. The explanations are becoming more heated and less <b> </b> understandable, the limo is rocking violently and Tim and Eva are becoming <b> </b> unnerved. <b> </b><b> EVA </b> Get out!! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look, it's Dan! Hi Dan! <b> </b><b> DAN </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to George in front of a news camera, the on screen graphic says 'DONALD <b> </b> O'BRIEN Leader of the Aryan Union'. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am not O'Brien! I am not O'Brien! I'm not O'Brien! Ask anyone! <b> </b> Jerry?! Jerry?!! <b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> So I was watching this movie the other night, it was a World War Two movie and <b> </b> there was Nazis in the movie and I noticed that the Nazis in those movies always <b> </b> had like two separate heils. They had like the regular heil that they would do <b> </b> and then when they were around the offices they had like this casual heil, <b> </b> remember that one, you ever notice that? They come in, yeah, heil, how are ya, <b> </b> is the kid back with the coffee yet? Come on, are you finished with the copier? <b> </b> Yeah. World domination, Aryan race, whose donuts are those? Yeah, heil, nice <b> </b> to see ya, can I have one of those donuts? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Limo Script

1992-03-04

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE GOOD SAMARITAN </b> Written by Peter Mehlman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry is driving alone talking on his car phone to Elaine at home in her <b> </b> bed) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know it's bad enough you have a car phone, you have to use the <b> </b> speaker? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's safer! Plus it's more annoying to the other person. <b> </b><b> </b> (Driver cuts in front of Jerry) <b> JERRY </b> Oh look at this guy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's goin' on? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh there's a guy trying to get in front of me, he has to ask <b> </b> permission. Yes. Go ahead. Get in, get in. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you get a thank you wave? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, nothing. How could you not give a thank you wave? Hey buddy! <b> </b> Where's my thank you wave? <b> </b> (Jerry sticks his head out the window) <b> JERRY </b> Give me that wave! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, are you free on Friday? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I'm free, why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, God, I bumped into Robin Sandusky today, she asked me to have <b> </b> dinner with her and her husband. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my God! You won't believe what I just saw! A car just bashed into <b> </b> a parked car, and sped off, right on my block! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You gotta follow that car! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can't let him get away with that! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, the guy could be dangerous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you, yellow? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not yella. (In a cowboy voice) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, if you don't follow him, you're yella. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait, he stopped, he's parking. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What? I can't hear you. Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene moves outside where Jerry get out of his car to confront other <b> </b> driver, who as they come out of their car, is an attractive woman) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, excuse me, uh, I was uh, driving behind you, uh, a few blocks <b> </b> back, and I, I couldn't help, uh, maybe you didn't realize, uh, I witnessed <b> </b> that, uh, um, you're tire's a little low. That can affect the performance <b> </b> of the twin high-beam suspension, not to mention your rack and pinion <b> </b> steering. (They both smile flirtatiously at each other) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene moves to Jerry's apartment where Jerry and George are talking by the <b> </b> table) <b> JERRY </b> So I wound up going out for a decaf cappuccino with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Boy! What a story! I'm speechless. Speechless. I have no speech. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I really liked her. We talked. We flirted. And when she <b> </b> left, she reached out and touched my arm. <b> </b> (Reaches out to touch Georges arm to demonstrate) <b> JERRY </b> He, he, he. (Simulating her feminine laugh) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I love when they touch your arm. I can't get enough of that. Why is <b> </b> that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let's not even analyze it. <b> </b> (Jerry begins walking towards door) <b> GEORGE </b> So you didn't turn her in? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I wanted to but I couldn't go through with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Gonna see her again? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Friday night. <b> </b> (Intercom buzzes, Jerry presses the button) <b> JERRY </b> Yep. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's me! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. <b> </b> (Jerry unlocks and opens door) <b> JERRY </b> By the way, Elaine does not need to know about anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey, hey! I dig. <b> </b> (George walks into kitchen and opens cupboard to get cups) <b> JERRY </b> Oh, you dig? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! I see enormous potential here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b> (George pours two cups of milk) <b> GEORGE </b> Because great couples always have a great story about how they met. <b> </b> That's why I've never been in a long term relationship. I've never had a <b> </b> good meeting story. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I wonder if I'm nuts for pursuing this woman at all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, she slammed into a parked car! She took no responsibility for <b> </b> mutilating the property of a stranger, then she sped off like a criminal! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry takes a drink of his milk while both remain silent) <b> JERRY </b> On the other hand, does that mean she should never be allowed to date <b> </b> again? You scratch one car and you're forbidden to have social contact for <b> </b> the rest of your life?! <b> </b> (Jerry looks at his cup in disgust) <b> JERRY </b> What am I drinking, milk? <b> </b> (Elaine enters, hanging up her jacket) <b> ELAINE </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b> (Elaine tosses a sweater to Jerry) <b> ELAINE </b> Sweater. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So? What happened? <b> </b> (Jerry starts walking away) <b> JERRY </b> With that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> With the car! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What car? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The hit and run! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, the hit and run. <b> </b> Well. Actually, the guy went into Queens. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Queens?! You followed him over the bridge? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Over the bridge. (Making a pointing motion with his hand) <b> </b><b> </b> (George walks out of the kitchen) <b> GEORGE </b> Oh, well I didn't know you went into Queens Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, Queens. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So? Then what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So he gets out of the car, I say, "Hey buddy! I saw you hit that <b> </b> car!" So he says to me, "What are ya gonna do about it?" <b> </b> (Elaine gasps) <b> JERRY </b> So I said to him, "Whatever's necessary." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine stutters with her mouth open in amazement) <b> ELAINE </b> I am speechless. I am without speech. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tell her about the shoving. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b> (George smiles pointing at him) <b> ELAINE </b> What shoving?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it was nothing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! Tell her. <b> </b> (Jerry looks at George with a grin) <b> JERRY </b> Well he kinda lost his temper, and he was pushing me up against the <b> </b> car. So I went into a karate stance. (Jerry assumes karate position and does <b> </b> two punches) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know karate?? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know a little. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, this is so, amazing to me! Jerry what did he do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He backed off. Pretty pathetic actually. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> KRAMER </b> Hey! (Group does likewise) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you tell Kramer? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, nah! (Waving his hand and walking away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? What? What? Tell me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry saw this guy crash into a car, and he followed him. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry looks at Kramer and raises both his arms smiling) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Good for you! What kind of a sick lowlife would do a thing like <b> </b> that? You know those people, you know they're mentally disturbed. (Pointing <b> </b> a finger at Jerry) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They should be sent to Australia. <b> </b> (Jerry has a confused look) <b> JERRY </b> Australia? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah, that's where England used to send their convicts. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But not any more. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b> (Everyone pauses and looks at Kramer) <b> ELAINE </b> Hey Kramer, Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What happened to you right here? (She's pointing to her forehead) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know! <b> </b> (Jerry smiles and shakes his head) <b> KRAMER </b> You know I was watching Entertainment Tonight, and uh, suddenly I <b> </b> got dizzy. And the next thing I know I hit my head on the coffee table. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine has a look of surprise) <b> ELAINE </b> Well, that is, that is strange. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yep. (Mumbles off) <b> </b> (Elaine walks toward door) <b> ELAINE </b> Alright, oh Jerry, we're still on for Friday night, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh Friday, I can't, I'm sorry, I have a date. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine closes door and walks back toward Jerry) <b> ELAINE </b> But last night you said you were free! (Sounding very disappointed) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We just met. <b> </b> (Kramer is tapping his temple with his finger) <b> KRAMER </b> Maybe it was a reaction to the sardines. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But I, I can't go alone! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ask George to go with you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, come on! I'll pay for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You'll pay? I'm there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why do you even need anybody? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because I hate being at a table alone, with a married couple. <b> </b> Talking about their married friends, and their married furniture. They're <b> </b> always trying to make me feel like their life is so much better than mine. <b> </b> You know, I have a very exciting life. It's very exciting. (As she's closing <b> </b> the door to leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene moves to restaurant with Elaine, George, and the married couple, <b> </b> Michael and Robin, sitting down talking, George is mainly focused on eating <b> </b> his meal) <b> ROBIN </b> You went out with a bullfighter? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, well, an ex-bullfighter now. <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> Wow. <b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> What was his name? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> His name? Name, um, his name was uh, uh, Eduardo Carochio. <b> </b><b> </b> (George points across the table) <b> GEORGE </b> Pass the salt please. <b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> Where did you meet him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, actually, I met him in Switzerland, and he was fighting uh, is <b> </b> that the word they use? Fighting? Because they don't really fight the <b> </b> bull, they avoid fighting the bull. <b> </b> (Elaine and couple laugh, George points at the bread) <b> GEORGE </b> Bread. <b> </b> (Elaine hands bread to George) <b> ELAINE </b> I just love meeting new people. You know that's how you really do <b> </b> learn about life. <b> </b> (Robin sneezes, no one says anything, George lifts his head and looks at <b> </b> Michael) <b> GEORGE </b> God bless you. <b> </b> (Robin smiles) <b> ROBIN </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I wasn't going to say anything, but then I could see that he wasn't <b> </b> going to open his mouth. (Chuckles) <b> </b> (Michael stops pouring wine and looks seriously at George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene moves to Jerry's car, where Jerry and hit-and-run woman are both <b> </b> eating an ice cream cones) <b> WOMAN </b> You know who's a good actor? Anthony Quinn. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Anthony Quinn, fine actor. But from what I understand, not a very <b> </b> good driver. Hits everything on the road. But always leaves a note. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Did you ever see Zorba the Greek? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excellent film. In fact Quinn said he never felt so good as when he <b> </b> left a note after smacking into a car. <b> </b> (Woman touches Jerry's hair, smiling) <b> WOMAN </b> Come here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene moves back to restaurant where an argument has developed between <b> </b> Michael and George) <b> GEORGE </b> Really, I was, I was only kidding around. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> He was only joking Michael. <b> </b> (Michael throws down his serviette) <b> MICHAEL </b> You think you're so damn special because you say 'God bless you'? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not <b> </b> special. <b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> He was only joking Michael! Sorry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> All right! Take his side! <b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> I am not taking his side. <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> Well who's side are you taking?! <b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> Well I'm not taking your side! <b> </b> (Robin sneezes, George gestures to Michael that the floor is his) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene moves back to Jerry's car, where Jerry and the hit-and-run woman are <b> </b> now kissing) <b> JERRY </b> Kirk Douglas. Now there's another very bad driver. But he's such an <b> </b> unbelievable guy, that when he hits someone, he doesn't even leave a note. <b> </b> He sits in his car and waits for the other person to show up so he can <b> </b> exchange license, registration, and apologize. <b> </b> (Woman pulls Jerry back in and starts kissing him again) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene moves back to Jerry apartment with George talking outside Jerry room, <b> </b> where Jerry is) <b> GEORGE </b> I said 'God bless you'. Was that so wrong? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The question is, did you allow a space for the husband to come in <b> </b> with his 'God bless you'? Because as the husband, he has the right to first <b> </b> refusal. <b> </b> (George makes a confused look. The intercom buzzes, Jerry walks over and <b> </b> presses the button) <b> ELAINE </b> It's me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. <b> </b> (Jerry unlocks door, conversation moves into kitchen) <b> GEORGE </b> Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let me say this: Once he passes <b> </b> on that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No argument. Unless, she's one of these multiple sneezers, and he's <b> </b> holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance, until she completes the series. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, because she sneezed <b> </b> again later, and it was also a single. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What if she's having an off night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine walks in, Jerry goes to sit down on sofa) <b> ELAINE </b> Hi! <b> </b> Jerry. Hi. <b> </b> (Elaine takes her coat off and walks into kitchen) <b> ELAINE </b> Well! If it isn't mister gesuntheit! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George walks out of kitchen) <b> GEORGE </b> Oh ya, like there's something wrong with saying 'God bless you'. I <b> </b> was raised to say 'God bless you'. <b> </b> (Jerry sneezes) <b> GEORGE </b> Ah, shut up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What does it mean anyway? 'God bless you'. It's a stupid <b> </b> 'stuperstition'. <b> </b> (Elaine sits on sofa, George sits on arm of sofa) <b> JERRY </b> A stupid what? <b> </b> (Elaine looks at Jerry) <b> ELAINE </b> Whatever. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, if you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, <b> </b> you shouldn't say 'God bless you', you should say, 'You're soo good <b> </b> lookin''. <b> </b> (Elaine nods, George rolls his eyes) <b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah, that's better than 'God bless you'. Anyway, she left a <b> </b> message on my machine, she wants you to call her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Robin! <b> </b> (George looks quickly at Elaine) <b> GEORGE </b> Why?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well I assumed she called to apologize, that's why she called me. <b> </b><b> </b> (George stands up) <b> JERRY </b> Entertainment Tonight's on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where's the remote phone? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bedroom. <b> </b> (George walks toward Jerry's bedroom) <b> ELAINE </b> Hey, grab Jerry's sweater for me, would you? <b> </b><b> </b> (Theme music plays on TV, Kramer walks in, waves at Jerry and Elaine, then <b> </b> walks over to Jerry's bookshelf, dancing to the music. Voice of Mary Hart <b> </b> starts on TV and Kramer starts having a wild seizure behind the sofa.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's it like out? <b> </b> (Kramer continues to shake behind sofa) <b> ELAINE </b> Chilly out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can I take a sweater? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, you can take a sweater if you want to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Scarf? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nah, hey, shut this off, shut it off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine finally notice Kramer as he finishes) <b> JERRY </b> What's the matter? What's going on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer is looking around like he's lost) <b> KRAMER </b> What happened?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I think I hit my head again! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is wrong?! <b> </b> (Elaine is pointing at the TV) <b> ELAINE </b> Hey, hey, wait a minute! Let me ask you something. Kramer, the last <b> </b> time you hit your head, was Mary Hart on TV? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b> (Elaine claps her hands together then stands up) <b> ELAINE </b> That is it! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b> (Elaine walks toward Kramer pointing her finger at him) <b> ELAINE </b> That is it! Mary Hart's voice, don't you see? There's something <b> </b> about Mary Hart's voice that's giving you seizures. Just like, just like, <b> </b> just like that woman in Albany! <b> </b> (George walks out of Jerry's bedroom toward kitchen, Kramer sits down) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mary Hart! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> God. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well she apologized, and then she wanted to know if we could get <b> </b> together Wednesday afternoon. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get together? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe she just wants to talk to me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Married women don't 'get together'. They have affairs. <b> </b><b> </b> (George walks to other side of sofa) <b> GEORGE </b> Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and <b> </b> martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me <b> </b> any money. <b> </b> (George sits on chair) <b> ELAINE </b> Are you actually considering this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't have an affair with a married woman, that's despicable! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, it's like hitting a car and driving away without leaving a <b> </b> note. <b> </b> (Jerry moves around sofa as if uncomfortable) <b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b> (Kramer walks out of washroom) <b> KRAMER </b> Hey, you know who owns that car? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What car? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The one that was hit a couple of nights ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah who? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That blond across the street. You know the one with the long <b> </b> ponytail, she wears those blue sweatpants. <b> </b> (Jerry stands up and walks toward kitchen) <b> JERRY </b> The blond with the blue sweatpants! Yeah, I think I've seen her. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine nods, smiling) <b> ELAINE </b> Well I've got to get going. I'm meeting a guy with grey sweatpants. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine walks out door, Kramer follows) <b> KRAMER </b> Wait, wait, wait, how do you know it's not John Tesh? <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry closes door behind them, then runs over to George very excited) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The blond with the blue sweatpants! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, who is she? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've had a crush on this woman for year! I've always been afraid to <b> </b> approach her! She looks like she belongs on one of these Hallmark cards. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh right, right! The blue sweatpants! Gees, it's too bad you can't <b> </b> say anything because of Angela. <b> </b> (Jerry sits down, disgruntled, flips aimlessly through a magazine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah. Too bad. Angela. Lousy thug. I mean what kind of sick person <b> </b> does something like that? That woman belongs in prison! I mean, I actually <b> </b> owe it to society to do something about this! I can't sit by and allow this <b> </b> to go on. It's a moral issue is what it is! <b> </b> (Jerry and George are both pointing their fingers at each other) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can't compromise your principles! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How am I going to live with myself?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can't live! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not religious, but I certainly know where to draw the line! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This country needs more people like you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't sell yourself short saying 'God bless you' to every Tom, Dick <b> </b> and Harry in great personal risk. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I believe strongly in that as you know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There should be more people like us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's why the world's in the shape it's in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're telling me. <b> </b> (Jerry and George both flip pages simultaneously and start reading their <b> </b> magazines) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene moves to apartment across street, where Jerry is talking to the girl <b> </b> with the blue sweatpants, Becky Gelke, outside her door) <b> JERRY </b> Anyway, I just wanted you to know, that I'm going to do everything I <b> </b> can to make sure the party responsible is made to be responsible or <b> </b> something very close to that. <b> </b> (Becky touches Jerry's arm, smiling) <b> BECKY </b> Well God bless you. <b> </b> (Jerry pauses) <b> JERRY </b> Thank you very much. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene moves to George's apartment, where George and Robin are together in <b> </b> bed) <b> GEORGE </b> Oh my God. I must be crazy. What have I done? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> Oh no, what's wrong? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. I just committed adultery! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> You didn't commit adultery, I did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> If I didn't do it with you, I would have done it with someone else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I wouldn't want you to do that. You know there's a lot of <b> </b> losers out there. <b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> Maybe even someone who didn't say 'God bless you'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, that's a given. <b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> In three years with Michael, not one 'God bless you'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Must be hell living in that house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene moves to Elaine's apartment, where she is talking on the phone to <b> </b> Michael) <b> MICHAEL </b> Hi, it's Michael. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, Michael! <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> Is Robin there? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Robin? No, why? <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> Uh, she said she was going to be with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No I haven't spoken to her all day-uh, yeah right, um, as a matter <b> </b> of fact, um, she was here, and she uh, left a note, but I wasn't here, but I <b> </b> have the note, uh, right here. <b> </b> (Elaine sits on the couch and crumples newspaper into the phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> If she's not with you, then where is she? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well I, I don't know. <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> Is she with your bald friend from the other night?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, come on Michael! <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to <b> </b> twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his <b> </b> joints, and reattach them! <b> </b> (Michael sneezes) <b> ELAINE </b> You're soo good lookin'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene moves back to Jerry's apartment, where Jerry and Angela are talking <b> </b> by the sofa) <b> ANGELA </b> Now you listen to me, suck face! You tell anybody, anything, and I <b> </b> will carve my initials in your brain tissue! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me rephra- <b> </b><b> ANGELA </b> I'll bash your skull into a vegematic like a bad cabbage, and I'll <b> </b> have a party on your head! <b> </b> (Elaine walks in) <b> JERRY </b> Hi Elaine, this is Angela. <b> </b><b> ANGELA </b> I'll pluck all your body hairs out with my teeth! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry walks past her away from the kitchen) <b> JERRY </b> Well I think I get the gist of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANGELA </b> So you don't say anything to anybody about me hitting that car! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry shrugs) <b> JERRY </b> What car? <b> </b> (Jerry hands Angela her purse) <b> ANGELA </b> Good. I'm glad we understand each other. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not complicated. <b> </b> (Angela walks out and down hall, Elaine waves) <b> ELAINE </b> Very nice meeting you! <b> </b> (Intercom buzzes, Elaine hits button while walking toward Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come on up. <b> </b> (Elaine laughs) <b> ELAINE </b> Well, well, well, Mr. Seinfeld! That must have been so frightening! <b> </b> When you confronted that guy, in Queens! Now, let's just see if I've got <b> </b> this scenario right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, no, no, no. Because I'm picturing 'French Connection', kind <b> </b> of thing. You know? Sort of a Popeye Doyle chase through the city! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was just a couple of blocks. <b> </b> (Elaine takes cup from Jerry and sets it on counter) <b> ELAINE </b> Oh no, no, come on. Don't be so modest! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George walks in open door, and into kitchen. Elaine walks toward him, Jerry <b> </b> goes to washroom) <b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, did you check you machine? <b> </b> (George takes glass from cupboard) <b> GEORGE </b> No, why, what's happening? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Michael called me today, and he asked me where Robin was. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, okay. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And I said I hadn't seen her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no George! You don't understand! She didn't tell me she was <b> </b> using me as an excuse! Okay?! But then I realized what was going on, and I <b> </b> said that she left a note. Um, but he didn't really buy that. And then, and <b> </b> then he did mention your name. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He mentioned my name?! What did he say?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He said he was going to sew your ass to your face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? Why couldn't you think of something?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well I don't know, he caught me off guard! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You lie! How hard is it to lie?! <b> </b> (Jerry walks back from washroom) <b> JERRY </b> It's not that hard. <b> </b> (Elaine points finger at George) <b> ELAINE </b> Well who told you to sleep with her George?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's not my fault! I wasn't going to do anything until you got her <b> </b> all juiced up with your story about having the affair with the matador! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh Gosh! None of this would never have happened if you wouldn't have <b> </b> said 'God bless you'! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh don't- <b> </b> (Jerry raises his arms) <b> JERRY </b> Hold it! Hold it! Hold it people! Matador? What matador? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She told this couple she had an affair with a matador. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A matador! Well, well, well. Uno momento por favor. Pray tell, what <b> </b> was the young man's name? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, Eduardo, uh, Carochio. <b> </b> (Jerry uses hand towel to mimic matador) <b> JERRY </b> Eduardo, Carochio! That's good. That's very good. Kind of just rolls <b> </b> of the tongue. I wonder where on the upper west side a single girl might <b> </b> meet a matador? Perhaps Zabars? Or Ray's Pizza! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene moves to Becky's apartment, where Jerry is talking to her outside her <b> </b> door) <b> JERRY </b> Anyway, this person told me to tell you to get an estimate on the <b> </b> damage. <b> </b><b> BECKY </b> Well, I already got an estimate. It's <b> $875. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> $875? </b> <b> </b><b> BECKY </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, well, I'll tell you what. Um, I'll give you a check, and then <b> </b> this person can pay me back. <b> </b> (Jerry takes out checkbook, and start writing) <b> JERRY </b> Um, who do I make it out to? <b> </b><b> BECKY </b> Becky Gelke. G-E-L-K-E. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, what are you doing this weekend? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry hands check to Becky) <b> BECKY </b> You have got some nerve! You smash up my car, you don't admit it, and <b> </b> now you want to ask me out on a date? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't do it! <b> </b><b> BECKY </b> Yeah righ- <b> </b> (Becky sneezes) <b> JERRY </b> You are soo good lookin'. <b> </b> (Becky closes door) <b> BECKY </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene moves to Jerry's apartment where Jerry is changing in bedroom and <b> </b> George is looking out window) <b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, let's go! You ready? <b> </b> (Jerry walks out of bedroom) <b> JERRY </b> You sure you want to do this? I'm going to be on the road for three <b> </b> weeks! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, I've got a maniac stalking me, I'm not staying in the <b> </b> city. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright! <b> </b> (George put his bag over his shoulder) <b> GEORGE </b> Come on let's get out of here. <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> KRAMER </b> How could you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Man! I never thought you were capable of this! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did I do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I just talked to Becky Gelke outside, she told me how you hit and <b> </b> ran. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> I- </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't even want to look at you anymore! All these years of <b> </b> friendship and you're nothing but a felon. You're an embarrassment to the <b> </b> building. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't do it! I just had to pay her to cover for somebody else! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now you're not going to lie to me, are you? <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry is putting on sweater) <b> JERRY </b> No, never. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright. Well. Glad we got that straightened out because I've got a <b> </b> date with her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got a date with Becky Gelke?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, going out with her Saturday night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, can we get out of here?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> As a matter of fact, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have even had <b> </b> an excuse to talk to her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I'm happy to help, in any way that I can. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry yanks coat out of George's hands) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Good Samaritan Script

1992-03-25

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE LETTER </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Nina's art studio. Kramer is posing for Nina (Jerry's current girlfriend.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> (laughing) Kramer, would you hold still? I can't do this if you keep <b> </b><b> </b> moving. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You sure you don't want me to take my clothes off? (beat) I'll do it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> No, that's the last thing in the world I want you to do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, why don't you take your clothes off? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> I don't know... I don't think Jerry would like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (debonair smile) Well, it'd be our little secret. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (bursting out of the bathroom, fumbling with his fly) Button fly! <b> </b><b> </b> Why do they put buttons on a fly? It takes ten minutes to get these <b> </b><b> </b> things open! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I like the button fly. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (incredulous) What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking <b> </b><b> </b> metal teeth. It's like a mink trap down there. (beat) What are you <b> </b><b> </b> doing today? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have to go meet Nina. Want to come up to her lot, check out her <b> </b><b> </b> paintings? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't get art. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's nothing to get. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have <b> </b><b> </b> someone explain the explanation. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She does a lot of abstract stuff. In fact she's painting Kramer <b> </b><b> </b> right now. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What for? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She sees something in him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So do I, but I wouldn't hang it on a wall. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Nina's studio again--same scene) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Are you getting the eyes? 'Cause they're brown. (beat) Or, really, <b> </b><b> </b> they're dark brown, like rich, Columbian coffee. <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Tell me about Elaine. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She and Jerry were a big thing, like Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> But, they're still friends. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, they're like this (holds up two fingers together). <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> Don't you think that's strange? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why, what's the difference? <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Well, are you still friends with any of your ex-girlfriends? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know... I, uh... have many relationships. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the door outside Nina's studio) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, I'm a little nervous. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you know... the friend meeting the new woman. I feel like I'm <b> </b><b> </b> getting fixed up for a friendship. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know how long this is gonna last. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? I thought you liked her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I do... she's got like a jealousy thing. She doesn't like me having <b> </b><b> </b> fun with anyone but her. (knocks on the door) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, it's a miracle you're not married. (beat) Hey, I'm not <b> </b><b> </b> obligated to buy anything, am I? <b> </b> (Nina opens the door) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, Nina. (smooch) This is my friend George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> How nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you. (George nods) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (walking over to where Kramer is posing) Hey, look at this guy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Nina) I brought George up to see some of your paintings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> Oh, are you interested? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (looking uncomfortable) Um... yeah! Sure, sure I'm interested. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George, you gonna buy a painting? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (gritting teeth) Yeah, sure. <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Are you an art-lover? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am an art-adorer! I adore art. <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Great! Well, take a look around. Pick out something you like. <b> </b><b> </b> (George reluctantly begins to look around, while Jerry strolls over to <b> </b><b> </b> the painting-in-progress (Kramer) and picks up a brush.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> May I? (pantomimes making a big "X" across the painting) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> (laughing) Get outta here! (beat) Here, play with this. (hands <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry a small white envelope) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's this? <b> </b><b> NINA </b> My father gave me four tickets to the Yankee game for Saturday <b> </b><b> </b> afternoon. Owner's box, first row behind the dugout. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sincerely disappointed) Oh, Saturday... I'm working, I'm going <b> </b><b> </b> out of town. <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Oh, well. I'm not gonna go without you. Do you guys want 'em? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (immediately) Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're right behind the dugout, George, first row! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Behind the dugout, are you kidding? How did you get them? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> Oh, my father's the Yankees accountant... it's the owner's box. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All my life I've dreamed of sitting front row, behind the dugout! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> (gesturing towards a small, ugly painting George was apparently look- <b> </b><b> </b> ing at and happens to be holding) You like that one? <b> </b><b> </b> Saturday, the game. George, Kramer, and Elaine are being lead <b> </b><b> </b> to their seats) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look at where we are! (referring to the seat usher) He's not <b> </b><b> </b> stopping! He just keeps going and going and going! (the usher <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> abruptly stops at the second row) We're not in the first row? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> USHER </b> No, no, these are your seats. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She said first row! Right behind the dugout! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, it's the second row. It's just as good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was all primed for the first row; I was gonna put my feet up <b> </b><b> </b> on the dugout! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Would you shut up? These are great! You can't get any better than <b> </b><b> </b> this. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, there's better, (pointing at the row in front of them) right <b> </b><b> </b> there, that's better. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Right. (Elaine giggles) Oh boy... okay, who wants a dog? (Kramer <b> </b><b> </b> hands out the hot dogs)What a great day! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I could've been at my boss' son's bris right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (amused) You're supposed to do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shrugs) Yeah. (beat) What makes you think anyone would want to <b> </b><b> </b> go to a circumcision? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'd rather go to a hanging. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Anyway, I called him back... I told him I had to go visit my father <b> </b><b> </b> in the hospital in Maryland. (George laughs) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (screaming at the players on the field) <b> YOU BETTER CATCH IT, </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOHNNY, 'CAUSE THIS AIN'T PHILIDELPHIA!! </b> <b> </b> (a man approaches the trio) <b> </b><b> MAN </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Hi. I'm Leonard West, Nina's father. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi! Mr. West, this is my friend Elaine-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (screaming again) HEY, 230 AIN'T GONNA <b> CUT IT IN THIS TOWN, BABE! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> --and this is Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey. <b> </b> (the Yankees make a good play, the crowd applauds) <b> </b><b> WEST </b> So how are the seats? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Great, great. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> WEST </b> George, I heard you bought one of Nina's paintings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, it's being framed right now. I don't even know what it costs. <b> </b><b> </b> (beat) Not, uh, too expensive, is it? <b> </b><b> WEST </b> Well, if you have a lot of money. <b> </b> (Yankees make a horrible play, the crowd responds) <b> </b><b> WEST </b> (leaving) Well, enjoy the game. (beat -- to Elaine) I think you <b> </b><b> </b> better take off that Orioles cap. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (thinking he's joking) Yeah. I better! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WEST </b> No, no, no. Seriously. You're in the owner's box, and I don't <b> </b><b> </b> think it's a good idea. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're not serious. <b> </b><b> WEST </b> Yes, yes, yes, I am! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, did he say that? <b> </b><b> WEST </b> No, no, but he gave me the seats. I don't think he'd like it if <b> </b><b> </b> you wore an Orioles cap. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well maybe you should ask him! <b> </b><b> WEST </b> I don't have to ask him! Now are you gonna take the hat off or <b> </b><b> </b> not? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! I don't have to take it off, why should I take it off? This <b> </b><b> </b> is ridiculous!! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just take the cap off. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, we are at a baseball game! This is America! <b> </b><b> </b><b> WEST </b> Look. Either you take the cap off, or you'll have to leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I don't care, I'm not taking it off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just take the cap off! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! <b> </b> (a fight starts between Elaine and George; Elaine ends up taking off <b> </b><b> </b> GEORGE'S hat, and throwing it onto the field... West calls security <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> over, they proceed to remove Elaine) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! Just wait a minute. We just got here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Elaine) Do you want us to go with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (getting up) I'll go get your hat, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sarcastically, to George) Stay! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, we'll go! <b> </b> (meanwhile Kramer is climbing over the dugout retrieve George's cap... the <b> </b><b> </b> camera cuts to the field where the batter hits a pop fly to where Kramer <b> </b><b> </b><b> IS </b> the ball knocks him squarely in the head, he falls off the dugout onto <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the crowd) <b> </b><b> END OF ACT 1 </b> <b> </b><b> ============================================================================= </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ACT 2 </b> <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment--day) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ...and then the ball hits him in the head and he falls right over <b> </b><b> </b> the railing! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is he okay? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, yeah, he's fine! We took him to the emergency room, and you <b> </b><b> </b> know, the x-rays were all negative. (beat) It was quite a day! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is the most amazing story I've ever heard--why did he want you <b> </b><b> </b> to take off the baseball cap? That is so insane! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know! Can you imagine that? <b> </b> (Kramer enters with a bandage wrapper around his forehead) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How you feeling? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (beat--holds up newspaper) Hey, <b> </b><b> </b> we made the paper. Eh? Look at this- page 2, sports section... we're <b> </b><b> </b> all in the picture. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wha- a picture? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A picture. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b><b> OUR PICTURE'S IN THERE?? </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b> (they all crowd around, looking at the picture) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (gasps) I cannot believe this! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pointing) There's George! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yup, yup! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohmygod! Lippman could see this! He thinks I was visiting my father! <b> </b><b> </b> Oh my g-I make up one little white lie and they put my picture in <b> </b><b> </b> the paper! <b> </b><b> </b> Lippman's office. Lippman is at his desk, Elaine enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, Mr. Lippman. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> How's your father? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My, my father? <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Yeah. You, you went to see him, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I went to visit him. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Uh-huh. So, what was wrong with him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you name it, uh, neuritis, uh, neuralgia... <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> But--but he's feeling better now? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, yup. Yes, yes, it just... such a miracle, um. My visit must have <b> </b><b> </b> buoyed (Elaine says "boyed") his spirits. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> (correcting her) Boo-eed. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What--what did I say? <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> You said "boyed." <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I did? <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b> (Elaine starts to laugh hysterically, and at the same time discreetly removes <b> </b><b> </b> Lippman's sports section from his desk. She manages to maneuver it into her <b> </b><b> </b> lap, out of sight.) <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Well, I got a plane to catch. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! Where are you going? <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Going to Houston. It's a publisher's convention. (beat) Can I have <b> </b><b> </b> my sports section? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah. ...Yeah. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> I've been saving it for the plane. I never miss the Sunday sports <b> </b><b> </b> section. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There's nothing to read, it's just yesterday's news. You know, the <b> </b><b> </b> Yankees won, the Mets lost, Ricky Henderson's unhappy... <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Right, right. (starts to take the paper from Elaine's hand; Elaine <b> </b><b> </b> holds on tight.) What, what are you doing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wha-- oh! (noticing her hand) Oh, god! (laughs) That is the THIRD <b> </b><b> </b> time today I have done that! BLAAAH! (laughs again) Grabbing news- <b> </b><b> </b> papers... I'm just tugging at 'em... (laughs) <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Gotta go. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay! Well, you know, have a nice trip, and uh... alrighty! (beat) <b> </b><b> </b> I'll just hold down the, uh, fort! <b> </b><b> </b> Nina's studio. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong are admiring Nina's "Kramer.") <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS.ARM </b> I sense great vulcrability. A land child crying out for love, an <b> </b><b> </b> innocent orphan in the post-modern world. <b> </b><b> MR. ARM </b> I see a parasite. <b> </b><b> MRS.ARM </b> A sexually-depraved miscrient, who is seeking to gratify only his <b> </b><b> </b> most basic and immediate urges. <b> </b><b> </b> Another part of the studio where Jerry and Nina are arguing.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> She was a guest of my father's. She should've taken the cap off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's preposterous! They ask someone to take off a baseball cap <b> </b><b> </b> at a baseball game. (beat) How can you defend that? <b> </b><b> </b> Armstrongs admiring painting again.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS.ARM </b> He is struggled, he is man-struggled. He lifts my spirit! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ARM </b> He is a loathsome, offensive brute, yet I can't look away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Nina again.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, I'm really getting tired off all the fighting. Maybe we <b> </b><b> </b> should just end this before we really start hating each other. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> Oh, well, you wouldn't want that because you always have to <b> </b><b> </b> remain friends! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I like to remain friends with people I was friends with! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> Hey -- why don't you just go then! And -- oh, give this to George. <b> </b><b> </b> Tell him he owes me $500! <b> </b><b> </b> Armstrongs) <b> </b><b> MRS.ARM </b> He transcends time and space. <b> </b><b> MR. ARM </b> He sickens me. <b> </b><b> MRS.ARM </b> I love it. <b> </b><b> MR. ARM </b> Me too. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Five-hundred dollars?! What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's what she told me! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not paying $500 for this! It's a piece of junk! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's what it costs! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why did you even take it? You broke up with her! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I wasn't thinking! I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You weren't thinking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, she framed it and everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm not buying it. No way. Forget it. No way I'm buying this! <b> </b><b> </b> (beat) I mean, look at it! What is it? It's a bunch of squiggly <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> lines! (beat) Are you telling me you couldn't paint this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you want me to paint you something? I'd love to paint you some- <b> </b><b> </b> thing! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not paying for this. If you were going out with her, it'd be a <b> </b><b> </b> different story. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (entering, handing Jerry a piece of paper) This was in front of your <b> </b><b> </b> door. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi, Mike. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (looking at the paper) Wow, a letter from Nina! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (notices the painting) Whoa, man! That is the ugliest thing I've ever <b> </b><b> </b> seen! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (reading note) Oh my god! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is amazing, you can't believe this! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's it say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Listen to this: "I don't know what you expect to find out there, <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry, you know what you want better than me. But there's one thing <b> </b><b> </b> I do know. I know I can stand here watching you destroy everything <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I've ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with my fists, <b> </b><b> </b> because you won't make even the slightest effort to offer happiness <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and still know that I love you. You mean so much to me that I'm will- <b> </b><b> </b> ing to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity." <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> WOW! </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (emotionally) She's deep. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (reading on) "...'cause that's what you need to do to prove I'm not <b> </b><b> </b> going to leave you. I'm sick and tired of running from places and <b> </b><b> </b> people and relationships. You want me, that fight for me, becau-" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer blows his noes loudly) "...because I'm sure as hell fighting <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> for you!" <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know Jerry, she sounds like a poet! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No one's ever written me a letter like this. Maybe I was wrong about <b> </b><b> </b> her! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (pushing Jerry towards the phone) Yeah! Get in there and give her a <b> </b><b> </b> call. Pick up the phone and call her! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Should I? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (screaming) YES! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU SHOULD! (hysterically) Fight <b> </b><b> </b> for her, Jerry, she's sure as hell fighting for you! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ALL RIGHT, all right! I'll call her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment, another day. Jerry is helping Nina put on her <b> </b><b> </b> coat. The TV is on a horse race.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> SHOT! (the sound of a shot on the TV is heard) I told ya! (the inter- <b> </b><b> </b> com buzzes) Yeah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (on intercom) It's George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. (to Nina) Well, now we gotta get a posse together. I love <b> </b><b> </b> a good posse. <b> </b><b> NINA </b> What's the appeal of the posse? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The appeal of the posse? The posse has tremendous appeal. Get away <b> </b><b> </b> from the job, camp out, you're with your friends... Come on, it's a <b> </b><b> </b> week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback. <b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Hello, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Nina! (beat) I owe you some money, don't I? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> Well, I really love that piece. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yeah, me too, me too. Boy oh boy oh boy...! You know, in fact, <b> </b><b> </b> I've been thinking about it, and I feel like I'm stealing from you! <b> </b><b> </b> Five-hundred dollars! It's gonna be worth thousands soon! You know <b> </b><b> </b> what? On second thought, I can't even accept it. <b> </b><b> NINA </b> No, no no no, George! A deal's a deal. I want you to have it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This could be in a museum some day! It's not safe with me! It should <b> </b><b> </b> really be in a doormanned building. <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Honestly, George, the money's not important. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who said anything about money? (intercom buzzes) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (on intercom) It's Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...Yeah. <b> </b><b> NINA </b> (rolling eyes) This person does not believe in telephones, does she? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She likes the pop-in. I've told her how I hate the pop-in. (pointing <b> </b><b> </b> to George) He likes the pop-in, too. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just popped in now. I'm a big pop-in guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How 'bout Kramer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> HUGE pop-in guy! <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Well, I was leaving anyway, so, uh, we're on for tomorrow? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay! <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Bye. (just as Nina is about to leave, Elaine walks in.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to Nina) Hello! <b> </b> (Nina doesn't respond, just walks past Elaine) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sarcastic) Chatty gal. (beat) Lippman's coming back tomorrow, I'll <b> </b><b> </b> be fired! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If he noticed, he would have called you from Houston! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, he wants to torture me. <b> </b><b> </b> later on that night. George, Elaine, and Jerry are watching TV. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry, with the remote, is furiously flipping through channels.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (annoyed) Oh! Would you gimme the clicker? I hate it when you're the <b> </b><b> </b> clicker! You go too fast! (Elain makes a grab for the clicker, insti- <b> </b><b> </b> gating a tug-o-war between Elaine and Jerry over the clicker) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (tugging at the clicker) I'm a great clicker! (gets the clicker back) <b> </b><b> </b> Great instincts. How dare you impune my clicking. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're all over the dial! You don't know what you want! I've never <b> </b><b> </b> seen you stay on anything for more than 5 seconds. Gimme that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (another tug-o-war starts) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let go! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, come on! I want it, Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let go, Elaine! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well at least let George do it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, George can't click! (George joins in the fight) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (as Jerry and Elaine continue to whine) Give it! Give it! (he finally <b> </b><b> </b> gets the remote away from them) Pinheads. <b> </b> (George starts clicking, the first station he lands on is playing Neil Simon's <b> </b><b> </b> Chapter 2. After a few seconds, George gets bored, and changes the station) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait, wait a second! Go back, go back to that. (they watch it a little <b> </b><b> </b> longer) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's Chapter 2, it's Neil Simon. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (on to something) Wait a second... wait a second!! (he watches the TV <b> </b><b> </b> for another minute) The letter, that's the letter! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What letter? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is the letter she wrote to me, she stole it right from the movie! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry get up to go find the letter. A second later, he returns, and starts <b> </b><b> </b> reading in unison with movie on TV.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "...'cause you don't even make the slightest effort to offer happiness <b> </b><b> </b> still know that I love you!!" <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is incredible! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I always thought there was something funny about this letter! She cop- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ied it right out of Chapter 2! She a thief, a bunko-artist! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe I won't send her that check. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, it's not really that terrible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you talking about? She completely misrepresented herself! <b> </b><b> </b> (mimicking the letter) I don't offer happiness. I offer happiness! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> James Caan doesn't offer happiness! <b> </b><b> </b> Lippman's office. Lippman is on the phone when Elaine walks in and <b> </b><b> </b> places something on his desk. After she does, she tries to leave <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> but Lippman, still on the phone, motions for her to stay in the room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> (into phone)...yeah, yeah. But she wouldn't take the cap off? (beat) <b> </b><b> </b> But didn't she know they were the owner's seats? (beat) Aw, that's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> unbelievable. (beat) Yeah. Okay. Alright Lenny, thanks again. Take <b> </b><b> </b> care. (hangs up the phone, and then, to Elaine) That was Lenny West, <b> </b><b> </b> my accountant, who is a hell of a guy. And he handles the Yankees <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> too; it's his biggest account. So every once in a while they throw <b> </b><b> </b> him a couple of seats and last weekend he gave them to his daughter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> She's an artist, by the way. Anyway, her daughter gives 'em to some <b> </b><b> </b> friends, you know. One of her friends shows up wearing a Baltimore <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> cap! (beat) You're from Baltimore, right? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, oh, it's Townscend, which is NEAR Baltimore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Yeah, but you're an Oriole fan, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, uh, fan. My father-- <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Anyway, she refused to take the cap off; caused a whole big scene! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So... impudent. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Yeah, so Lenny gave me the tickets for tomorrow night. I'm inviting <b> </b><b> </b> Frank and Marsha. 'Wantcha to come. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pause) Ah. I've-I've got plans, though, Mr. Li-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Well, break 'em. You missed the bris, I want you at the game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (very reluctant) Okay. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Good. (Elaine stars to leave) Oh--and Elaine. You know the Baltimore <b> </b><b> </b> cap you got in your office? Wear it. I'm gonna have a little fun with <b> </b><b> </b> him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That will be fun. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Nina's studio. Nina is working on a painting. Jerry is watching her, <b> </b><b> </b> sitting on the sofa.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How's it coming? <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Good, good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seen any good movies lately? <b> </b><b> NINA </b> No... not really. You? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. I like a good comedy. You know, like a Neil Simon? You like Neil <b> </b><b> </b> Simon? <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Neil Simon? Uh, some of his stuff. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've seen MOST of it. I guess my favorite would have to be, uh... <b> </b><b> </b> Chapter 2. Have you ever seen that? <b> </b><b> NINA </b> I don't know... maybe. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have. Funny, funny. In fact it was on TV just the other night. <b> </b><b> </b> Happened to catch it. (a knock is heard at the door) I couldn't help <b> </b><b> </b> notice a STUNNING similiarity-- (Jerry is interrupted as Nina opens <b> </b><b> </b> answer the door...) <b> </b><b> MR. ARM </b> Well, we've made our decision. We want "The Kramer." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment, night. Jerry and George are watching a baseball <b> </b><b> </b> game and talking.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Five-thousand? Why would anybody buy Kramer for $5000? (laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, the Yankees cannot buy a hit tonight! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So is it all over between you and... Marsha Mason? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. (picks up Nina's painting George bought) And by the way, can <b> </b><b> </b> you get this thing outta my house? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tell you what, I'll make a deal with you. I'll sell it to you right <b> </b><b> </b> now for ten bucks. <b> </b> (the Yankees announcer is heard on TV) <b> </b><b> TVVOICE </b> Uh, there's seems to be a lot of trouble in the area just behind the <b> </b><b> </b> Yankee dugout. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Behind the dugout, that's where we were sitting the other day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TVVOICE </b> Well, we're not going to show it, we don't want to encourage that kind <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> of behavior. Say, it's a young lady, and boy she's really going at it <b> </b><b> </b> with the security guard. She's a fiesty one. And now they're getting <b> </b><b> </b> the other security guard to come down. How do you like that Seegers? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Boy, she's someting. (beat) And a ball to left field..." <b> </b> (Jerry and George look at each other, wondering.) <b> </b><b> </b> the Armstrong's dining room. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong are having <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer over for dinner.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...then, when I was seventeen, I ran away from home and hopped a <b> </b><b> </b> steamship to Sweden. (beat) This steak is excellent, by the way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS.ARM </b> More potatoes? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, sure. Please. <b> </b><b> MR. ARM </b> Yes, yes. Go on. You hopped a steamship to Sweden? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. (beat) And, it was a big one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Letter Script

1992-02-04

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE PARKING SPACE </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Greg Daniels <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> At parking lots now they have these 'compact car only' spots, isn't that <b> </b> discrimination against the size of your car? If I want my ass hanging out of <b> </b> the back of my parking spot, that's my business. There are people out there <b> </b> with real asses hanging out of their pants, nobody's stopping them. Nobody <b> </b> goes, "Hey, hold it, sir. Those are compact jeans, you can't pull that in <b> </b> there." <b> </b> Jerry is in his apartment, Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. I got some bad news for you, buddy. I think your car got stolen <b> </b> again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well you parked it on eighty-fourth and Columbus, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yep, well I just walked by there and that car is gone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, I know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, where is it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the difference? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, there's no difference, you know, I'm just curious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You always have to know everything that's going on, don't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What happened to the car? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If I don't tell you it will kill you, won't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah, it'll kill me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You have to know, you must know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I must know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm not telling you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, come on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nope. I don't think so. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, please? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not today, pal. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, I beg you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now see? Just saying beg doesn't make it a real beg. You gotta put <b> </b> some beg into it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, please! Please tell me! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I'll tell you, but your begging needs a lot of work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, okay, what is it? Come on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I loaned the car to George. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, George, alright. Well, what for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George and Elaine went to a flea market in Westchester, okay?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh. I mean, what do they want to go there for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Will you stop it already?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, why didn't they ask me to go? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know! How am I supposed to know?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, they don't like me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> *I* don't like you! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> If they like me, why don't they ask me to go? Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Elaine are in Jerry's car. George is wearing a new hat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I really think it looks good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ten bucks, how can you go wrong? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All bald people look good in hats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You should have lived in the twenties and thirties, you know men wore <b> </b> hats all the time then. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you can wear a hat all the time now. Who's stopping you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I can't. What if I meet a woman? I'd always be worried about that <b> </b> first moment where I'd take it off and see that look of disappointment on her <b> </b> face. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you sure you like these sunglasses? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine moves the rear view mirror so she can check out her sunglasses and this <b> </b> causes George to swerve and hit something. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Kramer and Jerry at Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine. And you know I'm <b> </b> somebody you don't want to have on your bad side. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got <b> </b> problems. (notices some snacks on the table) Oh, is this for the fight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yep. (checks watch) Starts in thirty-five minutes. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer and Jerry start 'sparring'. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh hey, you know I invited Mike Moffit. You don't mind, do you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I like Mike. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I just got off the phone with him, you know we had a great <b> </b> conversation. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah? What did you talk about? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well actually we talked about you. Yeah. He had some pretty <b> </b> interesting things to say. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah? What did he say? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You have to know everything, don't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, come on, Kramer. What did he say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why is that? Why do you have to know everything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, just tell me what the guy said. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Beg me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Please, don't make me beg. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No no no, I want you to beg me. And I don't want you to say it, I just <b> </b><b> </b> want you to put some beg into it. Go on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, please tell me what the guy said. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No no no, that's no good. No, I really don't think that's a beg. No, <b> </b> it's close, but uh... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, I can't say anything. You know, the guy told me the stuff in <b> </b> confidence, I'd be betraying a friend. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you can't just mention it and then not tell me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright. I'll tell you but you can't say anything to him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not saying anything, I'm putting it in the vault, I'm locking the <b> </b> vault, it's a vault! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He thinks you're a phony. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I told you, he thinks you're a phony. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A phony? He called me a phony? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A big phone. A big one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You begged me. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Elaine and George in Jerry's car, the car is now making a clanking <b> </b> noise. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you hear that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Of course I hear that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You had to move the mirror? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I wanted to check out my sunglasses. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I went to look in the mirror, it wasn't there. You threw off my <b> </b> equilibrium. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah, blame it on me because you can't drive, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't drive? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have <b> </b> no idea they're going on. Wanna see me make a right turn from the left lane? <b> </b> Watch this. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I really don't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And I can make a left turn from the right lane too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sure you could. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are we gonna tell Jerry about the car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, start looking for spaces. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, you're never gonna find a space on Jerry's block, just put it in a <b> </b><b> </b> garage. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look, I have my system. First I look for the dream spot right in front <b> </b><b> </b> of the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh come on, George, please put it in a garage. I don't want to spend <b> </b> an hour looking for a space. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't park in a garage. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, I just can't. Nobody in my family can pay for parking, <b> </b> it's a sickness. My father never paid for parking; my mother, my brother, <b> </b> nobody. We can't do it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll pay for it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's <b> </b> like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I <b> </b> could get it for free? (he hears a horn honking) What? What do you want? Go <b> </b> around me, I'm looking for spaces. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh George, there's a space right there! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh beautiful! Look at that, the dream <b> </b><b> </b> space right in front of Jerry's building. Huh? Dreams can come true, what did <b> </b> I tell you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You didn't even have to take it out to dinner. <b> </b><b> </b> They share a laugh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, now you're gonna see some parallel parking. (spitting into <b> </b> his hands and rubbing them together) How I wish you could make a living <b> </b> parallel parking. (turning around in his seat) It's all geometry, knowing all <b> </b> the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing it back in, <b> </b> that's the key. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Will you just park it already? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There's nothing I can even impart to you, that's the sad thing. It's <b> </b> so inborn, I can't pass it on. (begins backing into the space) Look at this <b> </b> guy. Are you crazy, what are you doing?! Hey! Hey, you're stealing my space! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, wait, you don't know who this guy is, people kill for a parking <b> </b><b> </b> space in this city. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No no no, he's not getting away with this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George? <b> </b> George gets out of the car to confront the other driver. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, what are you doing? <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> I think I'm parking my car. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can't do that, you can't just sneak in from the back like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> I'm not sneaking. I didn't even know you were parking, you were just <b> </b> sitting there three spaces up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well if you didn't think I was parking, why did you put it in head <b> </b> first? <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Well that's the way I park. Anyway, you didn't start backing in until I <b> </b><b> </b> pulled in. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was in the middle of a conversation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Hey, buddy, what can I tell you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The point is I was here first. <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> I was closer to this space than you were. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But I'm backing in! You can't put it in head first! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> I can if I have room! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you gonna move the car? <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> No, I'm not gonna move the car. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerk! <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Oh, you're not? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you believe this guy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come on, we'll put it in a garage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am not putting it in a garage, it's my space. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you gonna do, you just gonna leave it here like this? Uh. <b> </b> I'm going upstairs. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you coming back down? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I gotta tell Jerry we're here. I gotta go to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, just make sure he reserves the good chair for me. Wait, what <b> </b><b> </b> are you gonna tell him about the clanking noise in the car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Me? No no no, you. You're gonna tell him. I'm not gonna tell- Noo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, come on, you're good at this. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What am I gonna say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, I don't know, you'll think of something. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine heads upstairs. Mike honks his horn, George honks his in retaliation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is moving chairs, Elaine bursts in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh god, I need a drink, do you got any Hennigan's here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, under the counter. What happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh god. Oh, Jerry it was so terrible what we just went through on the <b> </b> way home. (pouring a big shot of scotch) You wouldn't believe it. (pushing a <b> </b> bag of chips off the counter) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tell me what happened. <b> </b> Elaine (after pouring the shot in the sink while Jerry was distracted and <b> </b> the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?! And there were these, like, this pack of <b> </b> extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?! And for some <b> </b> reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us! And so then we payed the <b> </b> toll, and then we went through, and then they started to follow us, alright?! <b> </b> So George tries to lose them, and, and, but they were in this really like a <b> </b> souped up car, you know?! And so he turned off the road really suddenly and the <b> </b> car was on two wheels and I was just screaming! And then, George is such a <b> </b> great driver. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He is? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, he is fantastic! And then they fired a gun right up in the air. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A gun?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think it was a gun. And then they followed us all the way into the <b> </b> city, and then they just stopped and they turned around and they went home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My god, are you okay? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah, I'm alright. Oh, by the way, the car hit a pothole and now <b> </b><b> </b> it's making a clanking noise. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that, that's the important thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Exactly. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where's George now? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, he's out in front of the building. He's arguing with some guy <b> </b> about a parking space. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look out the window, you'll see. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Georgie! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you okay? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I'm fine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Crazy kids, huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ow!! (Jerry looks over) It's my cuticle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Is that Jerry? Jerry?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hey Mike. <b> </b> George What, you know Jerry? <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Yeah, I know Jerry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How do you know him? <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> What's the difference? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because I know him too, and probably a lot better than you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Well, bully for you. Hey, Jerry! You know your friend here's a real <b> </b> piece of work! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm coming down. <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Hey, will you tell Kramer I'm outside? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George, What, you know Kramer?! <b> </b> Kramer walks into Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, your friend Mike's outside, he wants to talk to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Mike! Come on up, the fight's almost starting! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And you're watching the fight at Jerry's? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh great. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know that guy downstairs? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, he's a real phony. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's going on?! <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Hey, will you come on down? This guy's in my space! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's my space! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll be down in a minute. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you going down? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is anything wrong? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why should anything be wrong? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Be down in a minute. <b> </b> Jerry grabs his jacket and walks out the door. <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Hey pal, you're not getting that space. I mean, I'll sleep in my car if <b> </b> I have to. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll die out here. <b> </b> Two bystanders are discussing the incident. <b> </b><b> BYSTANDER #1 </b> He was down there. Once he passed his front bumper, it's no <b> </b> longer his space. <b> </b><b> BYSTANDER #2 </b> No, it doesn't matter. He was- <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Hey! Jerry! Long time no see! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Mike. (Noticing George's fedora) Indiana. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Hey Krame! You know this guy? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah, I know him. <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> You're looking tremendous. What are you on some kind of <b> </b> regimen? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, twenty-five percent bran flakes. The forty percent was too much <b> </b> so I found a store to mix it up special for me, they take it down another <b> </b> fifteen percent. <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Ha ha ha ha!!! That's killer! Killer! <b> </b><b> </b> I love that! Ha ha ha!!! You gotta use that, that's a definite!! Ha ha ha!!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, come on. <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Hey! Your friend here has some real problems. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me? You see what he did here, you see how he tried to sneak into my <b> </b> space? <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Hey, just 'cause I went in front first doesn't mean I'm sneaking in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You only went in front first 'cause you saw me backing up and you <b> </b> didn't have room to parallel park! <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> I only went in front first 'cause I could make it in front first and if <b> </b><b> </b> you pull out I'll show you! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You've got a prayer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I go in front first all the time. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Front first, that's how you park when you're pulling a bank job. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine shows up and pulls George aside. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you talk to him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, it's all taken care of. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You told him? What did you tell him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I did a number on him, it was a thing of beauty, you really had to have <b> </b><b> </b> been there to appreciate it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't believe it, what did you say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us and <b> </b><b> </b> they followed us into the city. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A pack of teenagers? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, by the time I got to the end of the story, he was to relieved <b> </b> that we were alive he couldn't care less about the car. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You are a genius, it's as simple as that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What can I say, you know? It's a gift. I only wish I could teach it <b> </b> but, you know it's inborn. <b> </b> Elaine and George rejoin the others. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> By the way, thanks a lot for inviting me to the flea market. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, Jerry, he told me all about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh great. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, so that's why you were acting so funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I didn't know you wanted to go to the flea market. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> A flea market? You went to a flea market?? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, who's talking to you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We just didn't think of you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You said it, sister. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? Every time I leave my house now I have to call everybody I know <b> </b> and ask them if they want to do what I'm doing? <b> </b> People forget. Look at "Home Alone". They forgot. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Great move, telling him, by the way, real smart move. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Judgement, Jerry, judgement! You exercised no judgement. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're right. My fault. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer? I'm so sorry, really. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm sorry, I don't care for that sorry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What was wrong with that sorry? It was a good sorry. Jerry, was that <b> </b> a good sorry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was a so-so sorry. <b> </b> A delivery truck pulls up and honks. The driver leans out of the cab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TRUCK DRIVER </b> Hey! Move this car, I gotta get through! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You heard the man. I guess you gotta be moving your car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> And like you're not gonna just back it in if I do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TRUCK DRIVER </b> Well somebody better move something soon! I got a truck full of <b> </b> ice cream here! <b> </b> Fade out/in. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You see, they had to move the cars so the truck could get through, <b> </b> right? But these guys don't trust each other so they got these two nonpartisan <b> </b> drivers to move them. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wild pack of teenagers, huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Amazing how they picked you, out of everyone, to terrorize. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. I know, I said to myself, 'Why us?' You remember? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh huh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sounds like you did some pretty nifty maneuvering, <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you know, It's interesting, you know, under that pressure, what <b> </b> you're capable of. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I learned a lot about myself. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you do to my car?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror, I got discombobulated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, like you've ever been bobulated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you said you were a good driver! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No no, I never said I was a good driver, I said I was a good parker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think you said driver. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Parker, I never said driver, I said parker, a great parker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Will you move it up a little bit? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No no no, that's in the right position. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> No no, I was further in. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No you weren't. Stop there, that's fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Do you mind? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you? <b> </b><b> SID </b> Hey, somebody better move these cars, you're making a commotion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Sid. <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Who are you? <b> </b><b> SID </b> Never mind who I am. I know who I am. Do you know who you are? (to <b> </b> George) Why is it every time you park a car in this block, everything gets <b> </b> disrupted and disjointed? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sid, it's completely his fault. <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Oh, right. <b> </b><b> SID </b> Why don't you start taking the bus? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, George. Come on, let's go. I'm putting it in a garage. The <b> </b> fight's starting in two minutes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't do it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are we gonna do, stay out here all night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! I'm not giving him the satisfaction, it's my space. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why don't you just flip a coin already? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No no, this is a matter of principle. That would just be saying that <b> </b> anybody could just pull into any parking space any way they want. Well I'm <b> </b> making a stand here. I'm saying *no* to head first parking. I'm not putting up <b> </b> with that. We put up with too much crap in this city, we're not putting up with <b> </b> head first parking. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, maybe if you hadn't been sitting there pontificating about <b> </b> what a great parker you were, you might have got the space. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you're against me now? <b> </b> An old man and Matthew, the boy who's father owns the 'fat free' frozen yogurt <b> </b> store, are discussing the incident. <b> </b><b> ANGRY MAN </b> He could have pulled up to the car and backed in, but he chose to go <b> </b> in head first. <b> </b><b> MATTHEW </b> No he couldn't, because the other car was already backing in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ANGRY MAN </b> No he wasn't. <b> </b><b> MATTHEW </b> All that matters is who was there first. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANGRY MAN </b> Ahh, you're not even old enough to drive, you little puke. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MATTHEW </b> You just spit on me! <b> </b><b> ANGRY MAN </b> Don't you raise your voice to me! <b> </b><b> MATTHEW </b> You're not my father. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Matthew. <b> </b><b> MATTHEW </b> Hi Jerry. This guy's really a jerk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How ya doing? <b> </b><b> MATTHEW </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, how's your father? I hear he's closing his store. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MATTHEW </b> What?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh no, nothing. <b> </b><b> MATTHEW </b> What's happened to daddy? He's going out of business? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, no, no. <b> </b><b> MATTHEW </b> We're not going to have any money? We're out of money? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, of course not, of course not! <b> </b><b> MATTHEW </b> Mommy!? Jerry says daddy's closing the store. He's going out of <b> </b> business. We don't have any money? <b> </b><b> MARYEDITH </b> Jerry?! What's the matter with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't-- <b> </b><b> MARYEDITH </b> Boy, I don't know about your friend, Jerry. He says <b> </b> some pretty stupid things sometimes. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, congratulations. <b> </b><b> MARYEDITH </b> What for? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you're pregnant. <b> </b><b> MARYEDITH </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're not pregnant? <b> </b><b> MARYEDITH </b> No, I'm not pregnant. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Are you sure you're not pregnant? <b> </b><b> MARYEDITH </b> Yes, I'm sure! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's weird. <b> </b><b> MARYEDITH </b> Come on, Matthew. <b> </b><b> MATTHEW </b> No. <b> </b><b> MARYEDITH </b> Come on, Matthew! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought she was pregnant. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, do you think I'm phony? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mike thinks I'm a phony. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He thinks you're a phony? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but I can't say anything because Kramer wasn't supposed to tell <b> </b> me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, you have to say something. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't, I told Kramer I was vaulting it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You gotta open the vault. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Open my vault? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Open your vault. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Once I open the vault, it ceases to be a vault. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You have no choice. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oy ga-vault. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You wanna know why you can't go in front first? I'll tell <b> </b> you why. because it signals a breakdown in the social order. Chaos. It <b> </b> reduces us to jungle law. <b> </b> George begins applauding. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> When can you park head first? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Never. <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> What are you asking this guy for? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Who's talking to you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's right. never. <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Oh yeah? What if you got ten car lengths? You have to pull all the way <b> </b> up to the front car? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, I suppose if you got ten car lengths. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When do you ever have ten car lengths? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What about Sundays and holidays? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh please. <b> </b> A passerby (Sheila) stops and asks George, <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> What's going on here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, this guy tried to sneak into my space. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> I really hate people who do that. I hope you don't let him get away <b> </b> with it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, thank you for your support. <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Hey, that's a great hat. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? You like it? I got it at a flea market today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hey George, nice hat. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, thanks. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Can I try it on? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! It, uh, it wouldn't fit you. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well sure it would. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! Get out of here, Newman. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Come on, let me try it on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, Newman, stop it. <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Let him try it on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't want him to! <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> What is wrong with you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You wanna see?! (pulling off the hat to reveal the bald pate) There! <b> </b> There it is! (turning to Newman) Alright, here! You wanna try on the hat?! <b> </b> Here! Try on the hat! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Stop it, George, stop it. I was defending your parking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, just keep the hat! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, that's it. The fight's already started. I'm going upstairs, <b> </b> who's coming? Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It depends on who's going. (to George) Are you going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm not going if he's going. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Me either. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not going if he's going. <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Well I'm going. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well if he's going then I'm not going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> But it's your house. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I still don't have to go. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well I don't want to go if Jerry's not going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Why won't you go if I go? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? I'll tell you why. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. Don't, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like you didn't call me a phony? <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> What? (to Kramer) Thanks! Real good! Jerry! First of all, I think <b> </b> you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary way. I <b> </b> mean, you know when people say, 'He's bad', it really means he's good, sort of <b> </b> thing? You know, slang. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Use it in a sentence. <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. (to Kramer) Why'd you tell him?!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He begged me. <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> He begged you?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, come on. Who wants to watch the fight? <b> </b><b> </b> Two police officers walk up. <b> </b><b> COP #1 </b> Okay, who's cars are these? Let's move 'em. Let's go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Officer, could I just explain something to you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> COP #1 </b> Hey. Let's go or I'm gonna write both of you a ticket in about two <b> </b> minutes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Officer, he can't pull in head first. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Officer, he backed up from down the street. He was double-parked, he was <b> </b><b> </b> sitting there. <b> </b><b> COP #1 </b> Alright, you move your car. It's his space, you can't go in head <b> </b> first. <b> </b><b> COP #2 </b> Wait a second. Why can't he go in head first? He said the guy was <b> </b> just sitting over there. <b> </b><b> COP #1 </b> What are you talking about? This guy was here first. <b> </b><b> </b><b> COP #2 </b> But he didn't take it. <b> </b><b> COP #1 </b> Hey, it's his space. <b> </b><b> COP #2 </b> No, it's his space. <b> </b> Cut to Jerry entering his apartment, George and Mike can be heard arguing <b> </b> through the window. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you're gonna have to go to the bathroom! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Well, you're gonna have to go to work! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't have a job! <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Neither do I! <b> </b> Jerry closes the window, sits down on the couch, picks up the remote and turns <b> </b> on the TV. <b> </b><b> REFEREE </b> Seven... Eight... Nine... Ten. *ding* <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry falls over and hides his face in the couch cushion. <b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> People will kill each other for a parking space in New York because they think, <b> </b> 'If I don't get this one, I may never get a space.' You know? 'I'll be <b> </b> circling for months until somebody goes out to the Hamptons.' I think because <b> </b> everyone in New York City knows there's gotta be way more cars than parking <b> </b> spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. It's like <b> </b> Musical Chairs except everybody sat down around 1964. The problem is car <b> </b> manufacturers are building hundreds of thousands of new cars every year, they're <b> </b> not making any new spaces. That's what they should be working on. Wouldn't <b> </b> that be great? You go to the Auto Show, they got that big revolving turntable, <b> </b> and there's nothing on it. New from Chrysler, a space. <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Parking Space Script

1992-05-06

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE KEYS </b> Written by Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> So, I fly a lot. I like planes. I was on a plane the other day and I was wondering - are there keys to the plane? Do they need keys to start the plane? Maybe that's what those delays on the ground are sometimes. When you're just sitting there at the gate, maybe the pilot's just up there in the cockpit going (mimics looking for keys) "Oh, I don't believe this. Oh my god...I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical, because they don't want to come on the PA system..."Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a little while, I uh...Oh God, this is so embarrassing...I - I left the keys to the plane in my apartment." You see the technicians all running underneath the plane; you think they're servicing it, but they're actually looking for the magnet "hide-a-key" under the wing..."maybe he left it up there somewhere..." <b> </b><b> </b><b> OPENING SCENE </b> Jerry's apartment in the middle of the night. Jerry comes out of his room. We hear his thoughts. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY'S BRAIN </b> What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It's not like I'm running a marathon, I'm just lying there. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry notices his door is open.) <b> </b><b> JERRY'S BRAIN </b> What the hell...? Why is the door open? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry looks out into the hallway, turns back into his apartment, and runs into Kramer in the dark. They both scream. Kramer turns on the light.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, what are you doing here!? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, now calm down, it's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't want to wake you up! Y'know, I was watching "Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo," and I - y'know, I wanted to get some popcorn, and I, uh...I used the spare keys that you gave me to come into your apartment to get your popper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You scared me! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's just me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's enough! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Forgot the popper... (goes to the kitchen, grabs the popper, drops the lid, juggles it around, then exits.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Jerry's apartment, daytime. We hear Jerry hurriedly trying to get in the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon...c'mon... <b> </b> (Jerry enters, sheds his jacket, drops his luggage and heads for the bathroom. He opens the door to find Kramer taking a bubble bath in his tub.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer! What are you doing?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What does it look like I'm doing? What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get out! Get out of the bathroom, I gotta go! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, alright... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sorry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Move it! Move it! Get going! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My drain's all clogged up! (Comes out of the bathroom in a towel, covered in soap suds.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that my towel? <b> </b> (Kramer loses the towel in the hallway and throws it on Jerry's floor from the other side of the door.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Jerry's hallway at night. Jerry approaches his door with a girlfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GIRLFRIEND </b> I'm really happy the movie was sold out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, did you ever pretend there's like, murderers chasing you, and you try and see how fast you can get your keys out and get into your apartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GIRLFRIEND </b> I'm from Witchita, so... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. I see. There he is! (Pretends the murderers are coming.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GIRLFRIEND </b> Hurry, Jerry! He's coming! Hurry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The murderers! (Jerry unlocks his door and they both run inside.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GIRLFRIEND </b> That was close! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you see the look on that guy's face? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GIRLFRIEND </b> You were so fast with those keys. (They prepare to kiss, but are interrupted by Kramer and his girlfriend coming out of Jerry's bedroom, laughing and horsing around.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer! What the hell are you doing here?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Jerry! How are ya? I thought you were going to the movies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, that's it. Hand 'em over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, you know what, the keys. I want the keys. You've lost your key privileges. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, come on! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, come on! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, what, I thought you went to the movies! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was sold out! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now how was I supposed to know it was going to be sold out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's the point. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What point? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just, look, just give the keys. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Just give me another chance! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't ask me! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm asking you! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm telling you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're joking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm serious! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's not going to happen again! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes it will, now give me those keys! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Kramer begin struggling over the keys. Kramer loses his footing and falls on the floor, taking his girlfriend down with him.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> O.K., fine, go ahead, you take the keys! But you're going to regret this. (He angrily storms out. Kramer then re-enters seconds later when he realizes he's left his girlfriend in Jerry's apartment.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Jerry's apartment, the next day. Jerry is now giving his spare keys to Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So put 'em in a safe place. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I will. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. I'll hide 'em. So, is Kramer upset? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think so. I mean, he's acting really weird lately...he's different. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, maybe you should just give him the keys back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't. <b> </b> (There's a gentle knock at the door.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is that Kramer? (Jerry nods.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who's there? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, Kramer. (Jerry opens the door, Kramer enters. Elaine waves at Kramer with the keys in her hand.) Oh, hi...uh...you got the... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I'm not, uh... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no, it's o.k. I don't care about the keys. It's my fault. I gave the keys away with my stupidity. I broke "the covenant of the keys." <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, give him the keys back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine... <b> </b> (Elaine tries to give the keys to Kramer, but Jerry won't let her. Jerry and Elaine begin struggling over the keys. Kramer breaks it up.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't want the keys back! No, I'm glad the way things turned out. I was clingin' to those keys, man! Like a branch on the banks of a raging river. And now I have let go. And I'm free...to go with the current. To float. (To Jerry) And I thank you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Take the keys. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't want the keys! (Jerry tries to force the keys on Kramer, but Kramer refuses.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> O.K.! </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now, one more thing - I would like my keys back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your spare set? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You want 'em back? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Yeah, I think it would be for the best. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry takes a huge ring with hundreds of keys on it out of his drawer, and hands it to Kramer. Kramer begins going through them.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene at the coffee shop. Kramer is now giving the huge keyring to George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Gee, Kramer, I uh...I don't know what to say. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Say yes! Yes, George. Yes! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Should I give you my keys, is that the transaction, trading keys...? Because Elaine has my keys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you can get 'em back. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I suppose I could. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because you see, George, having the keys to Jerry's apartment? That kept me in a fantasy world. Every time I went over to his house, it was like I was on vacation. Better food, better view, better TV. And cleaner? Oh - much cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored the squalor in my own life because I'm looking at life, you see, through Jerry's eyes. I was living in twilight, George. Living in the shadows. Living in the darkness...like you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. I can barely see you, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, stop it Kramer, you're freakin' me out. (The waitress comes over.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Hi, are you ready to order? (George tries to order, but Kramer interrupts.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do you ever yearn? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yearn? Do I yearn? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I yearn. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You yearn. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often, I...I sit...and yearn. Have you yearned? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, not recently. I craved. I crave all the time, constant craving...but I haven't yearned. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look at you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw, Kramer, don't start... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're wasting your life. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am not! What you call wasting, I call living! I'm living my life! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> O.K., like what? No, tell me! Do you have a job? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got money? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do you have a woman? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do you have any prospects? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got anything on the horizon? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh...no. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do you have any action at all? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I like to get the Daily News! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George, it's time for us to grow up - and be men. Not little boys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm goin' to California. You know, I got the bug. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I think I got a touch of something, too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, the acting bug. Ever since I was in that Woody Allen movie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "These pretzels are making me thirsty"? That was one line! You got fired! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I know, I know, but man! I never felt so alive! Now, are you coming with me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, no, I'm not. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, suit yourself. But let's keep this between us - we're key brothers now. (Gets up to leave.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're not really gonna go to California, are you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Up here, I'm already gone. (Kramer exits.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene, Elaine's apartment at night. George is picking up his spare keys from Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Anyway, so he gave me his spare keys, now he wants to have my keys, so I need mine back from you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just 'cause you have his keys? Why does he need yours? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. He said he wants to be my "key brother." <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's ridiculous. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's Kramer. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll give you back your spare keys - but now I want mine back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What for? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 'Cause. I'll give 'em to Jerry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry? Why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 'Cause he gave me his. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, if he has my keys, I should have his. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I don't see why if you have his, he should have yours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I just said the same thing to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, listen, I'll give you your spare keys, but I don't have them with me. Can I please have mine to give to back to Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, O.K. I'll go get 'em. (George begins to leaf through papers on Elaine's counter.) What are you doing? Would you just put that down? (Takes the papers away from George.) I gotta get some new friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene, Jerry's apartment the next day. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you bring the keys? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, but I still don't feel right about letting you into Kramer's apartment without his permission. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This could be an emergency! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You never should have taken away his keys! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I tried to give 'em back, he wouldn't take 'em. (Jerry and George go out into the hallway to Kramer's apartment.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How'd the Mets do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They lost. <b> </b> (Jerry and George open Kramer's door and poke their heads in.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer? <b> </b> (Newman walks up behind them.) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello, boys. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, Newman. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You lookin' for someone? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't play coy with me, Newman, I'm not in the mood! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Coy? I'm not being coy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is he being coy? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, coy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're being coy. Now where's Kramer, Newman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Who? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Listen, Tiny. I wanna know where Kramer is and wanna know now! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Alright, go ahead and hit me, Seinfeld. I got witnesses. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Turn around, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sure. (Turns around.) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> George? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now, you better tell me where Kramer is, or are we gonna have to do this the hard way? (Hits wall with his fist.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Help! Help! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where's Kramer? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> HELP! (Elaine enters.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's going on? <b> </b> (Newman grabs Elaine and hides behind her.) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> They're gonna beat me up! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No we're not. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're trying to find out what happened to Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You wanna know what happened to Kramer? I'll tell you what happened to Kramer. He was ticked off. About the keys. Yeah, that's right - about the keys. Thought he got a bad rap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bad rap? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yeah. From you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Me? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You heard me. So he packed it up and split for the coast. La-La Land. L.A. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> L.A.? </b> <b> </b> (Cut to Kramer in his car on the highway, listening to rock music. The car's engine starts to fail, then stalls. Kramer can't believe it.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Commercial break. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene, Jerry's apartment at night (Jerry's at the window, George and Elaine are on the couch). <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I never should have taken his keys away. But he drove me to it! I had no choice! He wouldn't take 'em back. Elaine, you saw it, remember? I said, 'Take the keys back.' He wouldn't do anything. You saw it, didn't you see it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah, I saw it. (mutters under her breath) I mean, it's complete bullsh*t. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What...? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, what'd you say? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nothing. I didn't say anything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you didn't see it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I saw it. I saw it! I did, I saw it. Yep. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I heard you say something, there. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I didn't say anything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm calling Kramer's mother. (Picks up the phone, dials.) (To Elaine) I don't know what you said. But it was something. I heard something. Hello? Hello, Mrs. Kramer? Mrs. Kramer? Could you turn the music down? Could you turn the music down! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ask her about Kramer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's drunk out of her mind. <b> </b> (Cut back to Kramer with his car broken down on the side of the highway. He tries to thumb a ride.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene, Jerry approaching his apartment door. He tries to unlock it, but realizes Elaine has his keys. Jerry goes to the coffee shop to call Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine? Are you there? It's me, I'm locked out of my apartment, I need my spare keys. Where are you? I'm at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Kramer's managed to hitch a ride on the back of a motorcycle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! You ever been in an accident? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BIKER </b> About five years ago. I was going down this very road. Same time of day, going about the same speed I'm going now...there was a rock in the road. Couldn't have been more than a pebble. Never really saw it! Lost control of the bike, went flyin' about a hundred feet - came down right on my head. Cracked it wide open! Blood and stuff was just splattered all over the road, there...I broke every bone in my face. Hey, you know, when they found me, my eyes were hanging out of their sockets? Yeah, they pronounced me dead at the scene. I was in a coma for...well, they told me about a year...said I'd be a vegetable for life. Yeah, but I showed 'em. Ever since then I always wear a helmet! (The biker goes into a turn.) Lean! (Kramer yells.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Jerry in a booth at the coffee shop waiting for George. George enters, spare keys in hand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Georgie Boy! Way to come through with the keys! Sit down, I'm buying you dinner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look, I gotta tell ya...I been thinkin' about it, I just don't feel right about letting you into Elaine's apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't feel right? What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you know, I shouldn't have let you into Kramer's, now you want to go into Elaine's...she entrusted me with her spare keys, how can I just let you in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is the big deal? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just because you have someone's spare keys, it doesn't entitle you to break into their apartment. That's the reason you took away Kramer's keys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> First of all, you're not even supposed to have Elaine's keys. You're supposed to give 'em back to her, so she can give 'em back to me, because she has mine. So technically, those are my keys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, well, if you had never taken your keys back from Kramer, he never would have taken his back from you and given 'em to me, in which case I wouldn't have had to take mine back from her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I want those keys. (Tries to grab the keys from George.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nope, no can do. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, give them to me, I want these keys. (They struggle over the keys.) I don't want to get physical! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you wanna fight? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you wanna fight? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll fight ya! Not the face! Not the face! (The struggle continues.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Kramer's managed to hitch another ride, this time with a van full of drugged-out hippies. Kramer is telling them a story as they go down the road... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And then, the evil ogre took back the magical keys from the handsome young prince. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HIPPIE #1 </b> Oh no. He didn't take back the keys, no way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes! And then the handsome young prince was cast out into the cruel, cruel world. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HIPPIE #1 </b> Oh man, what a bummer. That ogre dude's pretty cold, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, he's cold. <b> </b><b> HIPPIE #1 </b> Lemme tell you something, Kramer. If that ogre dude pulled that crap on me (pulls out a knife) - I'D STAB HIM! <b> I'D CUT HIM IN HALF! I'D GUT HIM LIKE </b> A FISH, MAN! That's what I'd do! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah...that'd be funny. (To driver) Hey, you can drop me here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> HIPPIE #1 </b> Hey, what's the rush, man? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know, I gotta be goin' now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HIPPIE #1 </b> Hey, Kramer - have you ever killed a man? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What do you think, junior? You think these hands have been soakin' in Ivory liquid? (mimics choking somebody) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HIPPIE #2 </b> Don't leave, Kramer, stay with us. You know so much about the world, we need you, please Kramer! (they all start chanting) Please, Kramer! Please, Kramer! (Scene ends with Kramer trying to escape their clutches.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene, Elaine's building at night. Jerry and George approach Elaine's door, still arguing about the keys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't you see? You're just avoiding the middle man. You were gonna give her her spare keys, so she was gonna give 'em to me. So, all that's happening is that instead of giving them to her, you're giving them to me. It's just unfortunate that when she gave you yours, you didn't give her hers. 'Cause then she would have given 'em to me, because she has mine. So then I would have never had to ask you for hers, so that I could get mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're right, how did I miss that? (Begins unlocking the door, mutters under his breath) Maybe because it's a crock of sh*t. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I heard something. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Didn't say anything. (They go into Elaine's apartment.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Kramer's managed to hitch yet another ride, this time with a woman driving an eighteen-wheeler. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, how long you been drivin' this thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Goin' on four years. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, nothin's sexier than a woman behind the wheel of a semi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Nothin'? (They exchange a glance, then laugh.) Listen to you, you're quite the sweet-talker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, I always wanted to drive the big rigs. I used to watch those commercials during the reruns of Gomer Pyle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> You want to give it a try? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Really? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Do you know how to double-clutch? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Well, come on! (They trade places and Kramer gets behind the wheel. Kramer turns out to be really rusty on the ol' double-clutch.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene, Jerry and George in Elaine's apartment looking for Jerry's spare keys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They were in here, I saw her put 'em in here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, this is great. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, what do they look like? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They look like keys, George. They look exactly like keys. (In disgust) "What do they look like." <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, they're obviously not here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, they've gotta be here somewhere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, unless I pull down on this statuette and a hidden wall opens up, we have checked every square inch of this apartment! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is this? "Murphy Brown"? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> By Elaine Benes? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine's writing a "Murphy Brown"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lemme see this. (Tries to grab the papers.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second! (They fight over the paper.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Gimme half! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, here! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why didn't she tell us? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine is writing a sitcom...! (Elaine enters the room behind Jerry and George. Jerry spots her and tosses his half of the script at George. George throws it back and paper goes flying everywhere.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You weasels! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How dare you! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We hardly read anything! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was funny! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who gave you permission to come into my house and just go through all my things? You thought it was funny? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well... (picks up some of the pages) From what I saw... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, it's just a first draft! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was locked out of my apartment, I'm just trying to get my keys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why did you let him in?! (Shoves George.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He forced me to! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I did not! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes you did! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You! Get out! Get out! Get out! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, wait! I need my spare keys! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Here! Here's your damn keys, you keep 'em! I don't want 'em anymore! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And I want my keys back from you! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you don't want me to hold your keys? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, you can't be trusted! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, alright, fine. (Gives the keys to Elaine.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And I don't want you to hold mine! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Good! I won't! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good! Don't! Are these my keys? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> These aren't my keys! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whose are these? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know! <b> </b> (Meanwhile, Kramer's finally made it to Los Angeles. He's shown roller-skating through traffic, and nearly running over some guy on a scooter.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Commercial break. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene, Jerry and Elaine watching "Murphy Brown" in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I just thought I could write it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that something you want to do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. Those writers make a lot of money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, let me tell you something about show business. It's hard work! You don't just write a "Murphy Brown." You gotta watch the show, study it, get a sense of the characters, how they relate to each other. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> O.K., can I just watch the show? (mutters under her breath) God, what an asshole. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you say? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I didn't say anything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I heard something. (Looks at the TV) Elaine, Elaine! It's Kramer! Kramer's on "Murphy Brown"! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer's on "Murphy Brown"! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, there he is, he's sittin' at the desk! <b> </b><b> </b> (Cut to the screen of Jerry's TV.) <b> </b><b> CANDICE BERGEN </b> Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, you must be my new secretary. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, good morning, Miss Brown. <b> </b><b> CANDICE BERGEN </b> And you are...? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I'm uh, Steven Snell. <b> </b><b> CANDICE BERGEN </b> Snell. Well, hello, Mr. Snell. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Steven. <b> </b><b> CANDICE BERGEN </b> Steven. Are you familiar with this computer system? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh - I'm familiar with it. <b> </b><b> CANDICE BERGEN </b> Steven Snell? I know people...and I have a very good feeling about you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Keys Script

1992-08-12

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE TRIP PART 1 </b> Written by Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Jerry enter Monk's Coffee Shop) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer was on Murphy Brown? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Murphy Brown, the TV show. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon, will ya? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer was on Murphy Brown? That son of a gun! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Something, isn't it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> With Candace Bergen! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've always liked her. Remember her in 'Carnal Knowledge'? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did she show her breasts in that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's not really the naked type. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe I missed Kramer. You know he asked me to go with him <b> </b> to California. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He did? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I turned him down. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How come you didn't tell me? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He asked me to keep it a secret. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you can never keep a secret. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. This was like a record. My previous record was when Joni <b> </b> Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody that we slept together. Kept a lid on that <b> </b> for about 28 seconds. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you've come a long way. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've matured. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey listen, the Tonight Show called me, they want me to come out and do <b> </b><b> </b> the show on the 28th and they're giving me two free tickets to LA. You wanna <b> </b> go? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A free ticket? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, in fact we could track down Kramer. I always felt bad about the <b> </b> way he left, you know? That was a mess. I never should have taken back those <b> </b> keys. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about accommodations? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All taken care of. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is there a meal allowance? What about seat assignments? Could I have <b> </b> the Kosher meal? I hear the Kosher meal is good. And I need clothes. Gotta <b> </b> get a haircut. Gonna have to, I have to refill my allergy medication. Oh, do I <b> </b> need a hat? I need a hat, don't I? Could we do the Universal tour? They have <b> </b> that Backdraft exhibit now, that looks very cool to me... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer, backstage, talking to some aspiring young actors. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So my acting technique, my personal acting technique is working with <b> </b> color, imagining color, then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to <b> </b> the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you'll see that all my lines <b> </b> have a special color, so I don't memorize language, I memorize color. This way <b> </b> I can go through red, yellow, green, blue. And I have a full palette of <b> </b> emotions. <b> </b><b> STUDIO GUARD </b> Hey, didn't I tell you to get out of here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, did you? <b> </b><b> STUDIO GUARD </b> C'mon, let's go. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I was just-- <b> </b><b> STUDIO GUARD </b> Yeah yeah, you were just nothing. C'mon, let's go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, we'll talk about this a little later. Are you an actor? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer's apartment building in LA. Singers and actors are heard practicing in <b> </b> the background. Kramer leaves his apartment and makes a call on the pay phone <b> </b> in the hall. <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Murphy Brown. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Who's calling please? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, just tell her that it's Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Dial tone. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright I'll uh, I'll call her at home. (To man waiting behind him) <b> </b> Go ahead, it's all yours. <b> </b> Helena, a neighbor, steps into the hallway. <b> </b><b> HELENA </b> Hello Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, uh, Helena, how are you? <b> </b><b> HELENA </b> I haven't worked since 1934, how do you think I am? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that's only uh, 58 years. <b> </b><b> HELENA </b> It was a Three Stooges short, "Sappy Pappy." I played Mr. Sugarman's <b> </b> secretary, remember? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, right, right, yeah, yeah, that was a Shemp, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELENA </b> No, a Curly. The boys played three sailors who find a baby, the baby's <b> </b> been kidnapped and the police think that they did it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh huh, right. <b> </b><b> HELENA </b> But, but of course they didn't do it, the police had made an awful <b> </b> mistake. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Right. <b> </b><b> HELENA </b> Moe hits Curly with an axe, <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh huh. <b> </b><b> HELENA </b> The Stooges catch the kidnappers, <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Right. <b> </b><b> HELENA </b> But it's too late. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Really. <b> </b><b> HELENA </b> The baby's dead. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Really? <b> </b><b> HELENA </b> The boys are sent to Death Row and are executed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I don't remember that part. <b> </b><b> HELENA </b> I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah, yeah, you were, you were very good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELENA </b> Yeah, it was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby and the <b> </b> Stooges being executed and all. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that was an unusual choice for the stooges. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELENA </b> Would you like to buy me a fat-free frozen yogurt at the store, Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, well, uh, you know I can't right now, you know, uh, I got a very <b> </b> big meeting, I got these people interested in my movie treatment. So, uh, I <b> </b> guess we'll have to make it another time, alright? <b> </b><b> HELENE </b> Well No! No, don't go out there, Kramer, they'll hurt you, they'll <b> </b> destroy you. You'll never make it in this town, you're too sensitive like me, <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Helena, you're wrong, you know I'm not that sensitive at all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELENA </b> I was engaged to Mickey Rooney! He left me at the altar. Kramer! <b> </b> Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment. George walks in with several stuffed suitcases and <b> </b> backpacks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're going on a two day trip, what are you, Diana Ross? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I happen to dress based on mood. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. But you essentially wear the same thing all the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Seemingly. Seemingly. But within that basic framework there are many <b> </b> subtle variations, only discernable to an acute observer, that reflect the many <b> </b> moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (referring to George's outfit): And what mood is this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is Morning Mist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> A murder scene. There's a body under a blanket and two Lieutenants are talking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LT. COLEMAN </b> What do you figure, 20? 21? <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> Close enough. <b> </b><b> LT. COLEMAN </b> Forensics ought to be able to nail it down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> No ID? <b> </b><b> LT. COLEMAN </b> No ID. <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> No witnesses? <b> </b><b> LT. COLEMAN </b> Just the trees, Johnny. Pretty young thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> She was. Not any more. Somebody saw to that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LT. COLEMAN </b> Sure did, Johnny. Damn shame too. What do you make of it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> I don't know, but I don't like it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are at the airport, in line for the metal detector. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at this guy, he's like a cat burglar. He thinks if he goes through <b> </b> real slow the machine won't detect him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Personally I'm a little nervous about going through these things. I'm <b> </b> afraid I'm gonna step through into another dimension. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just go. <b> </b> George braces himself and walks through the detector. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Heh he, I made it. <b> </b> Jerry walks through and the machine beeps. <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Empty your pockets please. <b> </b> Jerry empties his pockets and walks through again, the machine beeps again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Walk through again please. <b> </b> Jerry walks through, the machine beeps again. <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Are you sure you don't have any metal on you? Bracelets? <b> </b> Rings? Anklets? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anklets? <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> A lot of men wear anklets. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> OTHER SECURITY GUARD </b> What do you have in your bag, sir? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My bag? <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Step over here please. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Over here? <b> </b><b> OTHER SECURITY GUARD </b> Do you have a knife in the bag? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A knife? <b> </b><b> OTHER SECURITY GUARD </b> Open the bag, please. <b> </b> George opens his bag, the other security guard begins rummaging. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> OTHER SECURITY GUARD </b> What's this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Moisturizer? <b> </b><b> OTHER SECURITY GUARD </b> Your wife? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I uh... I use it. <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Spread your arms and legs please. <b> </b> The security guard begins waving a small beeping detector up and down Jerry's <b> </b> body. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you. <b> </b><b> OTHER SECURITY GUARD </b> Have a good trip. <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> Alright, go ahead. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's it? <b> </b><b> SECURITY GUARD </b> That's it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> C'mon Jerry, let's go. What was that all about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I must have iron rich blood. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Here we go, LA. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Coast, <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> La-la Land. I got the window seat, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who said that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I called it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh no. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Monologue, Jerry on stage. <b> </b> Seems to me that the closest thing we have to Royalty in America are the people <b> </b> that get to ride in those little carts through the airport. Don't you hate <b> </b> these things? They come out of nowhere; Beep Beep, cart people, look out, cart <b> </b> people! Look out! We all scurry out of the way like worthless peasants. Oooh! <b> </b> It's cart people! I hope we didn't slow you down. Wave to the cart people, <b> </b> Timmy, they're the best people in the world. Ya know, if you're too fat, slow <b> </b> and disoriented to get to your gate on time, you're not ready for air travel. <b> </b> The other people I hate are the people that get on to the moving walkway and <b> </b> then just stand there. Like it's a ride? Excuse me, there's no animated <b> </b> pirates or bears along the way here. Do your legs work at all? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Stock photo of the HOLLYWOOD sign. Cut to a casting office. Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I'm here for the audition. <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Which audition, the music video, the horror movie, the exercise <b> </b> tape or the infomercial? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, let's see... well. <b> </b> Cut to a montage of Kramer in group auditions for the productions the <b> </b> receptionist mentioned. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer and Chelsea, a woman he met in the horror movie audition, exit the <b> </b> casting office. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You scream good. <b> </b><b> CHELSEA </b> You too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer and Chelsea are seated at a restaurant table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHELSEA </b> So, can I keep this treatment? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, yeah, I got 20 copies. <b> </b><b> CHELSEA </b> 'Cause I can, uh, show it to my manager. He has connections with West <b> </b> German television money. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Really. <b> </b><b> CHELSEA </b> Yeah, they're trying to put together a miniseries for me on Eva Braun. <b> </b><b> </b> I mean think about it, is that a great idea? We know nothing about Eva Braun, <b> </b> only that she was Hitler's girlfriend. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Um-hm. <b> </b><b> CHELSEA </b> What was it like having sex with Adolf Hitler? What do you wear in a <b> </b> bunker? What did her parents think of Hitler as a potential son-in-law? I mean <b> </b> it could just go on and on... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait wait, hold it, hold it. Look who's over there. Don't look, don't <b> </b> look! It's Fred Savage. <b> </b><b> CHELSEA </b> Big deal. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He'd be perfect for my movie. This is a once-in-a-lifetime <b> </b> opportunity. (takes a deep breath) I gotta go over there, I gotta give him a <b> </b> copy of my treatment. <b> </b><b> CHELSEA </b> Why are you breathing so hard? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm just a little nervous. OK, I gotta relax. Phew. Wish me <b> </b> luck, huh? <b> </b> Kramer gets up and approaches Fred Savage who's sitting at a table nearby. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. Oh, did I frighten you? I'm not crazy. I mean, I may look <b> </b> weird, but I'm just like you, I'm just a regular guy just trying to make it in <b> </b> this business. You know I really like your work, the, uh... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRED SAVAGE </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I can't remember the name of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRED </b> Thanks. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, my mind's a blank, I'm sorta nervous, you know, uh... <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRED </b> That's ok. Relax, relax. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ok, but I got this... <b> </b> Kramer lifts his leg and places his foot on a low table and the table collapses. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Stupid table. You know, I'm not normally like this, usually I'm very <b> </b> cool and charming, I don't mean to bother you or anything but I think it's fate <b> </b> that you happened to be here at the same time as me. <b> </b><b> FRED </b> Yeah, its fate, you know, can't avoid your fate. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got this treatment I think you'll be great in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRED </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So I'd like to give it to you. <b> </b><b> FRED </b> Yeah, thank you, thanks a lot. Bye! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, excuse me. Uh wait, wait. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Fred takes the treatment and bolts for the door. After he leaves, Kramer gives <b> </b> the rest of the patrons a thumbs-up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Jerry are in their hotel room. Jerry's on the telephone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, Kramer. K-R-A-M-E-R. Uh, I don't know, wavy? George, how would <b> </b> you describe Kramer's hair? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Curly. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wavy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What'd you ask me for? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I'll hold on. Hey George, did you see a piece of paper I had on <b> </b><b> </b> the nightstand here, like crumpled up, like a napkin? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nope. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 'Cause I had like three jokes on it, they were all perfectly worded just <b> </b><b> </b> the way I wanted to have it. Can't find it. Hello? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, a shoe buffing machine! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, 6-3, George, how tall is Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You got your own shampoo, conditioner, body lotion! Jerry, body <b> </b> lotion! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> About 6-3. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ooh, a shower cap! <b> </b><b> KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Coming. <b> </b> George walks to the door wearing a shower cap. <b> </b><b> LUPE </b> Hello. I have more towels. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh good, good, come in. Come in, welcome. I'm George. And this is <b> </b> Jerry, over there, on the phone, that's Jerry. And you are, um? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LUPE </b> Lupe. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lupe. That's very nice, very nice. Listen, are you going to be making <b> </b> up the bed in the morning? <b> </b><b> LUPE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fine. Excellent. Could you do me a favor? Could you not tuck the <b> </b> blankets in? 'Cause I can't sleep all tucked in. <b> </b><b> LUPE </b> Oh, yes, yes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, I like to just be able to take the blankets and swish them and <b> </b> swirl them, you know what I mean? You know, I don't like being all tucked in. <b> </b> I like to have a lot of room, you know I like to have my toes pointed up in the <b> </b> air. Just like to scrunch up the blankets. <b> </b><b> LUPE </b> Yes, yes. It's too tight to sleep. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Exactly, you know what I'm talking about, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LUPE </b> It's too tight. (Gesturing towards Jerry) Him too? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, Jerry, you want your blankets tucked in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me, what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You want your blankets tucked in? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What blankets? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When Lupe makes up the beds in the morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, whatever they do. <b> </b><b> LUPE </b> I tuck in? Yes? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tuck in, tuck in. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, so that's one tuck and one no-tuck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LUPE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. One second sweetheart. Jerry, I really think it'd be easier if <b> </b> you didn't tuck. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me, fine, you don't want me to tuck, put me down for a no-tuck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Two no-tucks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, hang on a second, You know what? Changed my mind, make it a tuck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You just said you weren't tucking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm tucking! Hello? Hello? They hung up on me. They don't know where <b> </b> Kramer is anyway. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alrighty, so. That's one tuck and one no-tuck. Got that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me, um, did you see a piece of paper on the nightstand here <b> </b> earlier today crumpled up like a napkin? <b> </b><b> LUPE </b> Oh, yes, yes. I throw away when we clean the room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, okay, thanks. <b> </b><b> LUPE </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> LUPE </b> Bye-bye. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, Lupe, bye-bye now. <b> </b><b> LUPE </b> Bye. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bye-bye. <b> </b> Lupe exits. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe she threw that out. I had like the perfect wording of a <b> </b><b> </b> whole joke I was gonna do about the X-ray counter at the airport, I was gonna do <b> </b> it on the Tonight Show, now I can't remember it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well what did you want her to do, you left it on the night table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're not supposed to just take everything and throw it out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey, hey! It's not Lupe's fault, you shouldn't have left it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, just get your thing together and let's get out of here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, now. What mood am I in, what mood am I in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut to Jerry and George in the car, continuing their discussion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You shouldn't have tucked. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I like it tucked. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nobody tucks anymore. <b> </b> As Jerry drives past, Kramer exits a printing shop, gets into his car and drives <b> </b> off, spilling dozens of 8"x10" publicity photos. A police office notices this <b> </b> and picks up one of the photos. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Another murder scene. A police officer pulls a blanket over the body's head, <b> </b> but we catch a glimpse of the dead girl; it's Chelsea, Kramer's friend from the <b> </b> auditions. The same two Lieutenants as before are just arriving. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> OFFICER </b> Hey, Lieutenant. <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> OFFICER </b> This was found on her person. <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> On her person? What kind of expression is that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> OFFICER </b> I don't know, sir. Police lingo. <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> Oh yeah? What's your name, son. <b> </b><b> OFFICER </b> Ross. <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> Ross. Do you see that person there, Ross? <b> </b><b> </b><b> OFFICER </b> Yes sir. <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> She's dead. Have you got that? <b> </b><b> OFFICER </b> Yes sir. <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> Good. Now get out of here before you find yourself on transit <b> </b> patrol writing tickets to senior citizens with fake bus passes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> OFFICER </b> Yes sir. <b> </b> The Lt. examines the evidence. It's a title page that says "The Keys" A movie <b> </b> treatment by Kramer. The paper is torn so that the space where Kramer's first <b> </b> name was is missing. <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> I think we just caught a break. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are at the NBC studio. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is very exciting! You're on the Tonight Show, NBC, who else is on <b> </b><b> </b> the show? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Might meet a celebrity. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe she threw out my napkin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you worried about, you know it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You gonna be alright here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah yeah yeah yeah, go. Go about your business, I'll just wander <b> </b> around. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, don't wander too far, I'll meet you back here in fifteen <b> </b> minutes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Go, go, go, don't worry about it. <b> </b> Jerry leaves and Corbin Bernsen enters through a stage door. he stands near <b> </b> George, obviously waiting for someone. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. (pointing at him) Corbin Bernsen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CORBIN BERNSEN </b> How ya doing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Big fan! Big fan. <b> </b><b> CORBIN BERNSEN </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, you grew a beard, huh? <b> </b><b> CORBIN BERNSEN </b> Yeah, yeah. I'm doing a movie during my hiatus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. You know, do I have a case for you guys to do on L.A. Law. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CORBIN BERNSEN </b> Really. <b> </b> Flash forward to the middle of George's 'pitch'. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...so mind you, at this point I'm only going out with her two or three <b> </b> weeks. So she goes out of town and she asks me to feed her cat. So at this <b> </b> time, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and, uh, it slips my mind for a <b> </b> few days. Maybe a week. Not a week, five, six days. <b> </b><b> CORBIN BERNSEN </b> Yeah yeah yeah. So what happened? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it's the damnedest thing. The cat dies. So she comes back into <b> </b> town, she finds the cat lying on the carpet stiff as a board. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CORBIN BERNSEN </b> So you killed the cat. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's what she says. I say, listen. It was an old cat. It died of <b> </b> natural causes. So get this, now she tells me that I gotta buy her a brand new <b> </b> cat. I say listen, honey. First of all, it was a pretty old cat. I'm not <b> </b> gonna buy you a brand new cat to replace an old dying cat. And second of all, I <b> </b> go out to the garbage, I find you a new cat in fifteen seconds. I say, you show <b> </b> me an autopsy report that says this cat died of starvation, I spring for a new <b> </b> cat. So she says something to me, like, uh, I dunno, get the hell out of here, <b> </b> and she breaks up with me. Now don't you think that would be a great case on <b> </b> L.A. Law? <b> </b> Corbin Bernsen just stares at George. <b> </b> Flash forward, George is now talking with George Wendt in the same hallway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't wanna tell you how to run your show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE WENDT </b> Oh, of course not. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But really, it's enough with the bar already. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE WENDT </b> Yeah, well. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Seriously, have they though about changing the setting? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE WENDT </b> Doubt it, I doubt it. Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? Because people do meet in places besides a bar, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE WENDT </b> Well yeah, they do, heh heh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about a rec room? Huh? Or a community center. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE WENDT </b> Yeah, you oughta write one of those. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE WENDT </b> Yeah, I'll bring it up with the producers, I gotta... uh... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fabulous, I'll think about that George, thank you! <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry walks up as George Wendt leaves hastily. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How's it going? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Great! Great! I actually just had two meaningful intelligent <b> </b> conversations with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, not fan talk, not gushing, you know? Actual conversation, I was <b> </b> incredibly articulate! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got toilet paper on your heel there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George looks down, Jerry walks away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The Tonight Show, George is in the audience applauding. <b> </b><b> ANNOUNCER </b> It's the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Tonight Jay welcomes Corbin <b> </b> Bernsen, George Wendt and comedian Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b> Quick cut to Corbin Bernsen, mid-interview. <b> </b><b> CORBIN BERNSEN </b> Oh yeah, yeah, people are always coming up to me trying to give <b> </b> me a great case for L.A. Law, just a few seconds ago, right here, right outside <b> </b> in the hallway this nut, some sick nut comes up to me and says he's supposed to <b> </b> watch this girl's cat while she's away out of town. Anyway he forgets to feed <b> </b> the cat, the cat dies, starves to death, he kills the cat, refuses to get her a <b> </b> new one, won't give her any money, won't pay her, and he wants Arnie Becker to <b> </b> represent him. Nice guy. Yeah, that'd make a *great* case for L.A. Law. <b> </b> Thanks a lot. <b> </b> Quick shot of the audience, everyone is laughing besides George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut to a police station. Helena is being questioned by Lt. Martel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELENA </b> He's a very handsome man. Passionate, intense, but troubled, strange. <b> </b> I think he may be in love with me. Of course there's nothing abnormal about <b> </b> that, I have many suitors. <b> </b> Cut back to the Tonight Show, George Wendt, mid-interview. <b> </b><b> GEORGE WENDT </b> It's funny, 'cause even after all these years, we still get <b> </b> people giving us advice, how to improve the show. Actually, a few moments ago I <b> </b> ran into a nut back there, he said, you know, that maybe we should think about, <b> </b> you know, not doing the show in a bar. <b> </b> Another quick shot of the audience, again everyone is laughing besides George. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to the police station. One of the kids from the van Kramer hitched a <b> </b> ride to LA in (see "The Keys") known only as 'The Freak' is being questioned by <b> </b> the Lt. <b> </b><b> THE FREAK </b> So that's when I said, "Hey, Kramer, dude. You ever killed a man <b> </b> before?" And he said, "What do you think, Junior? These hands have been <b> </b> soaking in Ivory liquid? <b> </b> Cut back to the Tonight Show, Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt are talking <b> </b> between takes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE WENDT </b> The guy you talked to, what did he look like? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CORBIN BERNSEN </b> Short little bald guy with glasses. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE WENDT </b> Yeah, yeah, that's the same guy I talked to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CORBIN BERNSEN </b> It never ends, does it? <b> </b> Cut to Jerry, on stage, doing his routine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I'm going through the airport and I have to put my bag on that little <b> </b><b> </b> uh, uh, the uh, that uh, the conveyor belt. <b> </b> Quick shot of the audience, nobody is laughing. <b> </b> Quick shot of an extremely uncomfortable Jerry. <b> </b> Cut back to the police station. The Lt. is on the phone. <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> Issue an arrest warrant, put out an APB. Let's pick up this, uh, <b> </b> Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Jerry are leaving the Tonight Show set, <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was terrible. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you, crazy? You were fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, did you hear the end? I couldn't remember what I was trying to <b> </b> say, that whole thing about the, uh... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Conveyor belt. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Because she threw out my napkin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe, you're blaming Lupe? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, Lupe. I'm blaming Lupe. <b> </b> George and Jerry walk past a TV and stop as a special report is being broadcast. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TV NEWSCASTER </b> Our top story tonight, there has been a break in the so called <b> </b> 'Smog Stranglings'. Police have just released a photo of the suspect being <b> </b> sought in connection with the slayings. He is known only as "Kramer". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Jerry stare at each other in disbelief. <b> </b><b> TO BE CONTINUED. </b> <b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> Talk show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show. <b> </b> You know, they're always looking off camera, "Do we have time? Are we out of <b> </b> time? How we doin' on time? Anybody know what the time is? What's the time? <b> </b> Check the time?" You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle this guy or <b> </b> are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll tell <b> </b> you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll drive in the car real fast, stay with us." <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Trip Part 1 Script

1992-08-19

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE TRIP PART 2 </b> Written by Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> There are many different job in the police. It seems to me, that the chalk outline guy is one of the better jobs that you can get. You know it's not dangerous, the criminals are long gone, that seems like a good one. I don't know who they are, I guess they're people who wanted to be a sketch artists, but they couldn't draw too well..."listen Johnson, forget the sketches. Do you think if we left a dead body right there on the sidewalk, you could manage to trace around it? Could you do that?". I don't even know how it helps to solve the crime? You know, they look at the thing on the ground..."aah his arm was like that when he hit the pavement. That means the killer must've been Jim." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> OPENING SCENE </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE AND JERRY ARE IN A CAR. GEORGE IS GRABBING JERRY'S ARM </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's on the lamb(?), he's on the loose! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Would you let go of my arm?! I'm trying to drive, you're getting us both killed! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are we supposed to do? What do you do on a situation like this? Should we call a lawyer, should we call the police? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Obviously we're gonna call the police and tell that he's not the guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hope he's not the guy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Couldn't be the guy...nah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> God, I'm starved, I'm weak from hunger. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How can you think of food at the time like this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Time like what? I'm hungry. My stomach doesn't know that Kramer's wanted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told you to have breakfast, you should've had breakfast! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I couldn't have breakfast, it was lunchtime! The three hour time difference threw me. I wanted a tuna fish sandwich, they wouldn't serve me tuna fish sandwich, because they were only serving breakfast. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You should've had some eggs. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> For lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have you ever heard of egg salad? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why didn't you say something then? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've gotta to tell you about existence of egg salad? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I need food, Jerry. I feel faint, I'm getting light headed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've gotta call the police, there's a pay phone over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pay phone in L.A., look it's a miracle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CUT TO KRAMER SINGING IN A SHOWER FOLLOWED BY A FALLING SOUND </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BACK TO GEORGE AND JERRY ON THE STREET </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't have any change. You've got any change? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I don't have any change. I never carry change. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, we need change and all I have is twenties. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have a ten. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, break it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, buy something. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, some mints or TicTacs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Breath problem? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I just want some change. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tell me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your breath is fine. It's delightful, it's delicious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, I haven't eaten anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I just wanna call the police! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why don't you just call 911? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But is this an emergency? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course it is. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How is this an emergency? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Your friend is been accused of being a serial killer. I think that qualifies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, I'll call 911. Think he did it? Could've he done it? Couldn't done it? How could've he done it? Couldn't be? Could it? Hello 911? How are you? I'm sorry it was just a reflex...I know it's an emergency number...it is an emergency...my friend is being accused of being a smog strangler and I know he didn't do it...they're putting me trough to the detective in charge of the investigation...what is my name? Who am I? I'm eh...George Costanza... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's the matter with you? Are you crazy? Why are you using my name?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, don't be a baby! What are you scared of? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What am I scared of? I'm scared of the same thing that you are, everything! Why don't you just use your own name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your name is a good name, Costanza. Sounds like it's stands for something, they'll believe us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think so? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah. Yes I have some very important information regarding the smog strangler. (George leans close) would you suck a mint or something. Can I come right now? I suppose, where are you located? Where is that? I don't know where we are. Where are we? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We don't know. He says ask somebody, ask that guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, where are we? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Earth. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, you know I'm on the phone with the police! Some guy just gave me a wise answer. Ask that woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me Ms. which street are we on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't know? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How come you don't know what street are you on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> You don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, it says it here on the phone. It's 12145 Ventura Boulevard. Aha, ok...do we know where the 101 is? (George shakes his head) No...do we know where 170 is? (George shakes his head) No...do we know where 134 is? (George just looks at Jerry) No. Aha, ok. (Jerry hangs up) He's gonna send a black and white to pick us up. <b> </b><b> </b> (Police car rolls by the sidewalk and stops. The police listens their conversation.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Black and white? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A cop car. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why didn't you just say that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought it sounded kind of cool. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah, real cool. You're a cool guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you are? I guaranty you, Lupe is going to tuck your covers in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll bet you, how much? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Her tip. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You've got a bet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How much do you tip a chamber maid? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> POLICE </b> Which one of you is Costanza? <b> </b> (Jerry and George point at each other.) <b> </b><b> POLICE </b> Get in. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi, how are you guys? Listen, does either one of you have like a mint or piece of gum or... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER IS SHAVING. HE SNEEZES AND GETS SHAVING CREAM ON THE MIRROR </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BACK TO THE POLICE CAR WITH JERRY, GEORGE AND TWO COPS </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, would you do me a favor, close the window. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY SEARCHES FOR THE HANDLE, BUT CAN'T FIND ONE </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, get out of here...hey officer, he's fooling around back here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> COP </b> Cut it up back there. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He started it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I did not. You guys gonna go through some red lights? <b> </b><b> </b><b> COP </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you could? <b> </b><b> COP </b> Oh yeah, of course we could. We can do anything we want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> COP 2 </b> We could drive on the wrong side of the road. <b> </b><b> </b><b> COP </b> Yeah, we do that all the time. You should see the looks on people's faces. <b> </b><b> </b><b> COP 2 </b> Shoot people... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You guys ever shot anybody? <b> </b><b> COPS </b> No... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, can I flip on the siren? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why are you bothering them for? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm just asking, all they have to do is say no. <b> </b><b> </b><b> COP </b> Yeah, go ahead. <b> </b><b> GEORGE TRIES THE SIREN. </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wohoo, check it out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can I try it? <b> </b><b> COP </b> Yeah, go ahead, hurry up. <b> </b><b> JERRY TRIES THE SIREN </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Scared the hell out of that guy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what I never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid it was always "waaaa, waaaa", you know now it "woo-woo-woo-woo-woo". Why did they do that, did they do some research? Did they find that woo-woo was more effective than waa? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, what about those English sirens, you know...eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY AND GEORGE </b> Eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa... <b> </b><b> COP </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> KRAMER IS COMBING HIS HAIR. TRYING TO GET THE COMB THROUGH. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm dizzy. <b> </b><b> BACK TO THE POLICE CAR </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nice shotgun. <b> </b><b> COP </b> Thanks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Clean as a whistle. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You could eat of that shotgun. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that, a 12 gauge? <b> </b><b> COP </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 12 gauge. Seems to be the most popular gauge. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My favorite. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mine too, love the 12 gauge. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Makes the 11 gauge look like a cap pistol. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> COP </b> What do got over there? <b> </b><b> COP 2 </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> COP </b> Looks like a possible 5-19. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 5-19? What's a 5-19? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where? <b> </b><b> COP 2 </b> Think so? <b> </b><b> COP </b> Looks like it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe this. A 5-19? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where, where? I can't see. <b> </b><b> COP </b> This is car 23, we have a possible 5-19 in progress, over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> COP 2 </b> All right, let's pull over and check it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pull over? You can't pull over. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you doing? Where do you think you're going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pull over? The lieutenant is waiting to see us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey hey hey, we're in a rush here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We have an appointment! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you doing?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Great. <b> </b><b> COPS GO TO ARREST A GUY FOR TRYING TO STEAL A CAR </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies up there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Which flavor? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Milano. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Cops eating Milanos. What crazy town is this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Should I take some? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think that's a 5-19. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm starving... <b> </b><b> GEORGE REACHES FOR THE COOKIES AND THE COPS SLAM A GUY ON THE </b><b> HOOD AND GEORGE BACKS AWAY </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're busting this guy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They're cuffing him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe this. <b> </b><b> GEORGE GET CLOSER TO JERRY AND THEY THROW THE GUY NEXT TO GEORGE </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MONOLOGUE </b><b> </b><b> </b> I can't believe that cops still have to read that whole "you have the right to remain silence"-speech to every criminal they arrest. I mean is there anybody who doesn't know that by now? Can't they just go "Freeze, you're under arrest. You've ever seen Baretta? Yeah, good, get in the car." <b> </b><b> </b><b> BACK TO POLICE CAR </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, I'm Jerry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> George, how you doing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE OFFERS HIS HAND, BUT THE GUY IS IN CUFFS </b> <b> </b><b> GUY </b> What did you do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Oh yeah right, me neither. Hey I didn't do nothing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> COP </b> Shut up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hot out. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Brutal. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you tip a chamber maid. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> I don't know, five bucks a night. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, a dollar, two tops. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Hey, you guys aren't cuffed. What are you, narks? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Narks? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Imagine, us narks? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No no no, you know actually we are friends of a serial killer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUY </b> Really? Well, that's very nice. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, thank you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Suspected serial killer, he didn't actually do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah well, we don't think. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're pretty sure. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> A dollar a night? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's a good tip! <b> </b><b> GUY </b> That stinks! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I read it in Ann Landers. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Oh, Ann Landers sucks! <b> </b><b> COP 2 </b> Hey, shut it up back there. <b> </b><b> POLICE RADIO </b> Attention all units, attention all units, all units code 3. All units in the area, code 3 in progress, 1648 North Bartholis, units required for assistance in apprehension of 702. <b> </b><b> </b><b> COP </b> That's smog strangler. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer. <b> </b><b> COP 2 </b> Got him. Let's go. <b> </b><b> POLICE CAR COMES TO THE SCENE. JERRY OPENS THE BACK DOOR THROUGH </b><b> THE WINDOW AND THEY GO AFTER THE COPS </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I wanna see what's happening. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know why I'm doing this. <b> </b><b> LT MARTEL KNOCKS ON A DOOR AND KRAMER OPENS </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, George! <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> You are under arrest in first degree murder and death of Ms Chelsea Lang. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE CAR THIEVE GUY RUNS AWAY FROM THE DOOR THAT JERRY AND GEORGE </b><b> LEFT OPEN </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER IS RUSHED THROUGH A GROUP OF PRESS </b> <b> </b><b> REPORTERS </b> Why did you do it? What possessed you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know... <b> </b><b> COUNTY OF LOS ANGELES CENTRAL JAIL </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY AND GEORGE ARE VISITING KRAMER </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, how are you doing? Jerry! George! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're doing fine. How are you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What me? Fabulous, just fabulous. I've got a lot of auditions, a lot of call backs and I've got a lot of interest for my movie treatment. I'm in development, I'm in developed vehicles. And there's a lot of energy here, man. You know, the vibe, it's powerful. I'm just swept up at it. Yeah, I'm a player. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A player? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, a player... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, do you realize what's going on here? Do you know why you're here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? What this? I'll be out of here in couple of hours. Hey, guess who I met today? Rick Savage, oh nice kid, really good kid. You know, we're talking about doing a project together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, you've been arrested as a serial killer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So? I'm innocent! I mean you guys believe that I'm innocent, don't you? Jerry? George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, yeah...sure. <b> </b><b> POLICE </b> Kramer, let's go. The Lieutenant wants to see you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ok, yeah. All right look, I'll be out of here by noon. Maybe we'll have lunch together, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER GOES WITH THE POLICE OFFICER, BUT ASKS IF HE COULD SAY </b><b> JUST ONE MORE THING </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Help me!! Help me! <b> </b><b> OFFICER DRAGS KRAMER AWAY </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER IS BEEN INTERROGATED BY LT. MARTEL </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I didn't kill anyone, I swear! I swear to God! <b> </b><b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> Don't you ever swear to my God, Kramer. My God is the god who protects the innocent and punishes the evil scum like you, have you got that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're making a big mistake. <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> No! You have made the mistake, Kramer. Sickies like you always do. The only difference is that this time you're gonna pay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> Now you might beat the gas chamber Kramer, but as long as I have got a breath in my body you will never ever see the light of day again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wow wow wow wow, you've got the wrong man!! It wasn't me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> Oh yeah, right. Maybe it was one of your other personalities huh, the wise guy, the little kid, the bellhop, the ball player, maybe the door to door vacuum cleaner salesman, but not you right? No, you wouldn't hurt a fly. You just couldn't help yourself, could you Kramer? You saw life brimming brightly with optimism and verve and you just had to snuff it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ok, can I just talk to somebody? Can I just explain... <b> </b><b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> I'm not interested in your explanations, Kramer! Sure, I bet you've got a million of 'em. Maybe your mother didn't love you enough, maybe the teacher didn't call on you in school when you had your little hand raised, maybe the pervert in the park had a present in his pants, huh? Well, I've got another theory Kramer: you're a weed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No... <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> Society is filled with them. They're choking the life out of the all pretty flowers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER SOBS </b> <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> You see something even remotely pretty and you have to choke the life out if it, don't you Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER CRIES </b> <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> You killed all the pretty flowers, didn't you Kramer? You killed the pretty little flowers, didn't you? You dirty, filthy, stinky weed! Didn't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PHONE RINGS </b> <b> </b><b> OFFICER </b> Lieutenant, it's for you. <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> Martel...yeah...yeah...yeah...yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER KEEPS CRYING </b> <b> </b><b> OFFICER </b> What it is, Lieutenant? <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> Let him go. <b> </b><b> OFFICER </b> What, but Lieutenant? <b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> You heard me, let him go. They just found another body at the Laurel Canyon. Go on Kramer, get out of my sight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, how did you know about the guy in the park? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LT. MARTEL </b> I said beat it! <b> </b><b> JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WAITING OUTSIDE OF THE JAIL </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER WALKS OUT </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hahaa! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Somebody got killed while they had me in custody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? Did you hear that? Somebody else was killed! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're kidding? Somebody else got killed? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> While you were in jail. So you're free. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, I'm free. (singing) 'cause the murderer struck again! <b> </b><b> </b><b> THEY ALL DANCE A FEW STEPS AND THEN AS A POLICE GOES BY THEY </b><b> LEAVE QUIETLY </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER, JERRY AND GEORGE AT THE HILLS OF L.A. </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So Kramer, what are you going to do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do. You know, I've always done what I do. I'm doing what I do, way I've always done and the way I'll always do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, what the hell are you talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What do you want me to say? That the things haven't worked out the way that I planned? That I'm struggling, barely able to keep my head above water? That L.A. is a cold place even in the middle of the summer? That it's a lonely place even when your stuck in traffic at the Hollywood Freeway? That I'm no better than a screenwriter driving a cab, a starlet turning tricks, a producer in a house he can't afford? Is that what you want me to say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'd like to hear that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm not saying that! You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, she was murdered! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> As a suspect in a serial killing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ok, yeah, you guys got to put a negative spin on everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What did they put on this tuna? Tastes like a dill, I think it's a dill. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're not gonna come back to New York with us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No no I'm not ready, things are starting to happen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Taste this, is this a dill? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's tarragon. Hey Kramer, I'm sorry about that whole fight we had about you having my apartment keys and everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ok, it's forgotten. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tarragon? Oh, you're crazy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, take it easy. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, ok. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, take care. Stay in touch. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey hey, whoa come on give me a hug... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, you're crushing my sandwich. <b> </b><b> JERRY AND GEORGE AT THE HOTEL. GEORGE IS KICKING THE TUCKED COVERS. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it's so nice when it happens to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BACK TO JERRY'S APARTMENT. GEORGE AND JERRY ARE WATCHING TV. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mint? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No thanks. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've got to tell you, I'm really disappointed in Lupe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's been three days already, forget about Lupe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you think she gets to take any of those little bars of soap home? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You would think that at the end of the week when they hand out the checks, throw in a few soaps. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, maybe they should throw in a couple of lamps too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll tell you something, if I'd own a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up on the walls and in their home, like Lenin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How much did you wound up tipping her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh my God, I forgot! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, communism didn't work. <b> </b><b> KRAMER WALKS IN </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> KRAMER GOES TO THE FRIDGE </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Any mustard? This is empty. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, there's a new one in there. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No no, I don't like this one. It's too yellow. Any pickles? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Help yourself. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, all right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, what are you doing here? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Getting something to eat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, here! <b> </b><b> JERRY THROWS THE APARTMENT KEYS TO KRAMER. KRAMER WALKS OUT AND </b><b> COMES BACK WITH HIS KEYS. </b><b> </b><b> HE THROWS THEM TO THE TABLE KNOCKING JERRY'S SODA. </b> <b> </b><b> ACTION NEWS. KEITH MORRISON. </b> <b> </b><b> NEWSCASTER </b> Authorities exposed today, that the latest suspect in the smog strangling was apprehended this week on an unrelated charge, but somehow managed to escape from the police car, in which he was being held. Tobias Lehigh Nagy, who is also wanted in connection with a series of unrelated slains in the North West is still at large, his whereabouts unknown. He's described as 5'5" bald and reputedly a very generous tipper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> The thing about L.A. to me, that kind of threw me, was when they have these smog alerts out there and they actually recommend that people stay indoors during the smog alert. Now, maybe I'm way off, but don't you think, wouldn't you assume, that the air in the house pretty much comes from the air in the city where the house is? I mean what do they think, that we live in a jar with couple of holes punched in the top? What the hell is going on out there? It's very strange, do you realize that it's now possible for parents to say to their children "All right kids, I want you in the house and get some fresh air! Summer vacation, everybody indoors." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Trip Part 2 Script

1992-09-16

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE PITCH </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At club bar) <b> </b> Jerry and George are talking. Stu and Jay enter. <b> </b><b> STU </b> Excuse me, Jerry? I'm Stu Chermak. I'm with NBC. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> STU </b> Could we speak for a few moments? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> JAY </b> Hi, Jay Crespi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, C-R-E-S-P-I? <b> </b><b> JAY </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm unbelievable at spelling last names. Give me a last name. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JAY </b> Mm, I'm not- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George- <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (backing off) Huh? All right, fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STU </b> First of all, that was a terrific show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh thank you very much. <b> </b><b> STU </b> And basically, I just wanted to let you know that we've been <b> </b> discussing you at some of our meetings and we'd be very interested in <b> </b> doing something. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? Wow. <b> </b><b> STU </b> So, if you have any idea for like a TV show for yourself, well, <b> </b> we'd just love to talk about it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'd be very interested in something like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STU </b> Well, here, uh, why don't you give us a call and maybe we can develop <b> </b> a series. <b> </b> They start to exit. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. Great. Thanks. <b> </b><b> STU </b> It was very nice meeting you. <b> </b><b> JERY </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> JAY </b> Nice meeting you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nice meeting you. <b> </b> (George returns) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What was that all about? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They said they were interested in me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> For what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, a TV show. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Your own show? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I guess so. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They want you to do a TV show? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, they want me to come up with an idea. I mean, I don't have <b> </b> any ideas. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on, how hard is that? Look at all the junk that's on TV. <b> </b> You want an idea? Here's an idea. You coach gymnastics team in high <b> </b> school. And you're married. And your son's not interested in gymnastics <b> </b> and you're pushing him into gymnastics. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why should I care if my son's into gymnastics? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because you're a gymnastics teacher. It's only natural. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But gymnastics is not for everybody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know, but he's your son. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, forget that idea, it's not for you....Okay, okay, I <b> </b> got it. You run an antique store. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah and...? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And people come in the store and you get involved in their <b> </b> lives. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What person who runs an antique store gets involved in people's <b> </b> lives? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So someone comes in to buy an old lamp and all of a sudden I'm <b> </b> getting them out of a jam? I could see if I was a pharmacist because a <b> </b> pharmacist knows what's wrong with everybody that comes in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know, but antiques are very popular right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No they're not, they used to be. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah, like you know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh like you do. <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...And you're the manager of the circus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A circus? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on, this is a great idea. Look at the characters. You've <b> </b> got all these freaks on the show. A woman with a moustache? I mean, who <b> </b> wouldn't tune in to see a women with a moustache? You've for the <b> </b> tallest man in the world; a guy who's just a head. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look Jerry, the show isn't about the circus, it's about watching <b> </b> freaks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think the network will go for it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, I'm not pitching a show about freaks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh come on Jerry, you're wrong. People they want to watch freaks. <b> </b> This is a "can't miss." <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Kramer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello Newman. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Come on lets go. I got the helmet. Lets get the radar detector. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right I'll be back in a second. You guys coming to my party? (exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOGETHER </b> Yeah, sure. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's this all about? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> We're making a trade. I'm giving him my motorcycle helmet - he's giving me his radar detector. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't know you had a motorctcle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well my girlfriend had one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You have a girlfriend? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I HAD a girlfriend and she was pretty wild. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I never remember you with a girl. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Nevertheless, ... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is a pretty bad deal for Kramer. You know a radar detector is worth much more than that helmet. I think you're cheating him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Don't say anything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know you're getting gypped over here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Really, Ah, <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> We had a deal. Are you reneging out of the deal? Are you reneging? That's a renege. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, stop saying 'reneging". <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well you're reneging. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I, Okay, okay. I'm not reneging. <b> </b> (they try to exchange items but won't let go) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> All right give it to me. let go ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You let go - come on ...(they fight over the items) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gimme that - just gimme that. Here. Idiots! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Thanks buddy. So long he he ...(exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Does that thing work? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Nah. <b> </b> At Monks. <b> </b> (Jerry and George enter.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ... I just got a postcard from Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, they're in London now. They'll be back in a few weeks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe she got involved with a shrink. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, what's happening with the TV show? You come up with anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, nothing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why don't they have salsa on the table? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you need salsa for? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Salsa is now the number one condiment in America. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know why? Because people like to say "salsa." "Excuse me, do <b> </b> you have salsa?" "We need more salsa." "Where is the salsa? No salsa?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order <b> </b> seltzer and not get salsa. (Angry) "I wanted seltzer, not salsa." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa?? You <b> </b> have the seltezer after the salsa!" <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> See, this should be a show. This is the show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This. Just talking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (dismissing) Yeah, right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just talking? Well what's the show about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's about nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No story? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No forget the story. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You've got to have a story. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who says you gotta have a story? Remember when we were waiting for, <b> </b> for that table in that Chinese restaurant that time? That could be a TV <b> </b> show. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And who is on the show? Who are the characters? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I could be a character. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. You could base a character on me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, on the show, there's a character named George Costanza? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. There's something wrong with that? I'm a character. People are always saying to me, "You know you're a quite a character." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And who else is on the show? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine could be a character. Kramer.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now he's a character. (Pause) So everybody I know is a character on the show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And it's about nothing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Absolutely nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're saying, I go in to NBC, and tell them I got this idea for a show about nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We go into NBC. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "We"? Since when are you a writer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Scoffs) Writer. We're talking about a sit-com. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You want to go with me to NBC? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. I think we really go something here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do we got? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> An idea. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What idea? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> An idea for the show. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I still don't know what the idea is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's about nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Everybody's doing something, we'll do nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, we go into NBC, we tell them we've got an idea for a show about nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Exactly. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They say, "What's your show about?" I say, "Nothing." <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There you go. <b> </b> (A moment passes) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Nodding) I think you may have something there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry's explaining George's idea to Kramer) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, the show would be about my real life. And one of the characters would be based on you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Thinks) No, I don't think so. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean you don't think so? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't like it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't understand. What don't you like about it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't like the idea of a character based on me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> well it just doesn't sit well. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're my neighbor. There's got to be a character based on you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's your problem, buddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't understand what the big deal is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, I'll tell you what - you can do it on one condition. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Whatever you want. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I get to play Kramer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't play Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I am Kramer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you can't act. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Phew! <b> </b> (Newman enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, fine. We'll use Newman. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Use me for what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothin' What do you want? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, you'll never guess what happened to me today. I was uh, driving ( Jerry and Kramer turn away) home on the palisades parkway when I looked in the rear view mirror and what did I see? The fuzz. And it's funny because my new radar detector was on. I didn't hear a thing. Isn't that strange? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. That's strange. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> A radar detector, as I understand it, <b> DETECTS RADAR! WITH A SERIES OF BEEPS </b> AND FLASHING LIGHTS. But oddly, for some reason I didn't hear a thing except for the sound of a police siren. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's queer uh? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b><b> I WANT MY HELMET BACK! GIVE ME BACK </b><b> MY HELMET AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR </b><b> THAT TICKET. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, you better think again Mojumbo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You gave me a defective detector. ... Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Buyer beware. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Are you going to give me back that helmet or not? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees in life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> No, but there's karma, Kramer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Karma Kramer? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> And one more thing. I'm not coming to your party. (exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) ( NBC reception area) <b> </b> (Jerry and George are waiting) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself) Salsa, seltzer. Hey, excuse me, you got any salsa? No, not selzer, salsa. (George doesn't react) What's the matter? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Nervous) Nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You sure? You look a little pale. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm very good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, are you nervous? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, not nervous. I'm good, very good. (A beat, then he snaps) I can't do this! Can't do this! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't do this! I can't do it. I have tried. I'm here. It's impossible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This was your idea! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What idea? I just said something. I didn't know you were going to listen to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Dont' worry about it. They're just TV executives. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear suits and ties. They're married, they have secretaries. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told you not to come. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I need some water. I gotta get some water. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They'll give us water in there. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? That's pretty good. <b> </b> (Jerry looks into hallway) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh God, it's Joe Devola. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This guy's a writer, he's a total nut. I think he goes to the same shrink as Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh God he saw me. <b> </b><b> DEVOLA </b> Hello Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Joe! HOW YOU DOING? <b> </b><b> DEVOLA </b> You're under no obligation to shake my hand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no, Just a custom. Uh, THAT'S MY <b> FRIEND GEORGE. YOU LOOK GOOD. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DEVOLA </b> Why shouldn't I look good? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no reason. You're into karate right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DEVOLA </b> You want to hit me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> DEVOLA </b> I dreopped a script off. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> AH, GOOD FOR YOU. </b> <b> </b> (they stare at each other) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, ... <b> </b><b> DEVOLA </b> You don't have to say anything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, Uh, hey I guess I'll see you Sunday night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DEVOLA </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer's party. <b> </b><b> DEVOLA </b> Kramer's ... having ... a ... party? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, he's not having a party. He's doing something. I don't know what it is. It's nothing. He's not doing anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DEVOLA </b> Gee, I thought Kramer and I were very close friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm sure you are. I'm sure you are very close friends. Very close. <b> </b><b> </b> (Crazy Joe leaves) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Give my best to Hinckley. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What was that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe what I just did. I didn't know kramer didn't invite him. I better call Kramer, ... <b> </b><b> </b> (before he can dial) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> They're ready for you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, okay. Look, you do all the talking, okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Relax. Who are they? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, they're not better than me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Course not. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who are they? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're nobody. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why them? Why not me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm as good as them. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Better. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You really think so? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b> (The door opens, and, from Jerry and George's point of view, four executives stand up) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) ( NBC president's office) <b> </b> (Stu Chermak, Susan Ross, Jay Crespi, and Russell Dalrymple, the head of the network, are all talking with Jerry and George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STU </b> (To Jerry, laughing about one of his bits) The bit, the bit I really liked what were the parakeet flew into the mirror. Now that's funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The parakeet in the mirror. That's a good one, Stu. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it's one of my favorites. <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> What about you, George? Have you written anything we might know? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Quickly making it up) Well, possibly. I wrote an off-Broadway show, "La Cocina." ..Actually, it was off-off-Broadway. It was a comedy about a Mexican chef. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it was very funny. There was one great scene with the chef - what was his name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pepe. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Pepe. Yeah, Pepe. And, uh, he was making tamales. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSANEWMAN </b> Oh, he actually cooked on the stage? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, he mimed it. That's what was so funny about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> So, what have you two come up with? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, we've thought about this in a variety of ways. But the basic idea is I will play myself- <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Interrupting) May I? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Go ahead. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: NOTHING. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Nothing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Smiling) Nothing. <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> (Unimpressed) What does that mean? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The show is about nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To George) Well, it's not about nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Jerry) No, it's about nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, maybe in philosophy. But, even nothing is something. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and George glare at each other. The receptionist enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Mr. Dalrymple, your niece is on the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> I'll call back. <b> </b> (Receptionist leaves) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Attempting to spell his last name) <b> D-A-L-R-I-M-P-E-L? </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> (Obviously dislikes George) Not even close. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is it with a "y"? <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> No. <b> </b><b> SUSANEWMAN </b> What's the premise? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..Well, as I was saying, I would play myself, and, as a comedian, living in New York, I have a friend, a neighbor, and an ex-girlfriend, which is all true. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, but nothing happens on the show. You see, it's just like life. You know, you eat, you go shopping, you read.. You eat, you read, You go shopping. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> You read? You read on the show? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I don't know about the reading.. We didn't discuss the reading. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> All right, tell me, tell me about the stories. What kind of stories? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no. No stories. <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> No stories? So, what is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Showing an example) What'd you do today? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> I got up and came to work. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There's a show. That's a show. <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> (Confused) How is that a show? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, uh, maybe something happens on the way to work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, no. Nothing happens. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, something happens. <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Well, why am I watching it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because it's on TV. <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> (Threatening) Not yet. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity. And I'll tell you <b> </b> something else, this is the show and we're not going to change it. (To Jerry) Right? <b> </b><b> </b> (A moment passes) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Russell) How about this: I manage a circus.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monks) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> . . . I thought the woman was kind of cute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hold it. I really want to be clear about this. Are you talking about the woman in the meeting? Is that the woman you're talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I thought I might give her a call. I, I don't meet that many women. I meet like three women a year. I mean, we've been introduced. She knows my name. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> IT'S COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE! </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? Maybe she liked me. I, I mean she was looking right at me. You know, I think she was impressed. You know, we had good eye contact the whole meeting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I forgot to call Kramer. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute let me call Susan. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no this is more important. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She might be leaving to work any minute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I got to warn him that I told Joe Devola about his party. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b> (they race to the pay phone) <b> </b> (Paris hotel room - Dr. Reston and Elaine are kissing) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> I was just thinking about this patient of mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> Just wondering if he's taking his medication. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, come on we're on vacation. <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well we were standing uh, inn the waiting area there, and you know how Devola is. He's all, ... (buzzer) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah (to buzzer) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (OC) It's George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And so, uh I felt very uncomfortable with him and you know I just blurted out something about your party. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whoa, back up a second. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I didn't know that you didn't invite him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why would you think I would invite him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I just a ssumed, ... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Assumed? Never assume anything. I don't want that nut in my house. You know he's on medication. <b> </b><b> </b> (George and Susan enter) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello, oh, hello. You remember, ... Susan, from N B C. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course. How are you? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Fine, it's good to see you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And this is Kramer. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right go ahead Susan, tell him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tell me what? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, I, (phone rings) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, sorry, Excuse me one second. Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TEL </b> Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TEL </b> Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TEL </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well now you know how I feel. (Hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, go ahead, tell him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, are you drinking that milk? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the expiration date on that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> September third. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The third? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> and SUSAN: The third? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Um, Uh, ugh, ... <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Noooo... (Kramer throws up on Susan) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. Should have seen it coming. I didn't see it coming. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think SHE saw it coming. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know she was behind the idea. She was going to champion the show. That's what I was bring her up there to tell you. And she liked me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look just because Kramer vomited on her doesn't mean the deal is dead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, are you crazy? It's a traumatic thing to be thrown up on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Vommiting is not a deal breaker. If Hitler had vommited on Chamberlin, Chamberlind still would have given him Chekoslovakia. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Chamberlind, you could hold his head in nthe toilet, he'd still give you half of Europe. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters with helmet) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened to you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Devola came after me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? Devola? See I told you this guy is crazy. I can't believe this. What happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Can I have a coffee. ... What, you know I was walking home and I had to pick up my helmet from the shop, you know. I gota new strap. And I had it on you know, and I was checking the strap out to make sure it fit. Then suddenly I feel this kick hit me on the side of the head. It knocks me down, I look up and it's Crazy Joe Devola. And he say's, "That's what I thin k of your party." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy,that is some kick. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, yeah, Newman's helmet, it saved my life. Look at that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow, Newman's helmet. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Holly. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got bad news for you buddy. Devola says you're next. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Me, why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He doesn't like you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What does he want from me? I didn't do anything. See this is all Elaine's fault. She took off to Europe with his psychiatrist. He probably can't get his medication. Now I got some nut after me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Pass the cream. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a second. (smells it). all right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Pitch Script

1992-09-16

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE TICKET </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Enter Kramer with one pant leg on) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where the hell did I put this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What are you looking for? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The remote, the remote, I can't find the remote. Did I lost, I lost it. Did you take it? Did you put it some place? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no. <b> </b> (Jerry notices Kramer's look) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, what is this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> what is what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, very funny. I get it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're in a weird mood. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on. Go back to your apartment and fix it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Fix what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your pants! <b> </b> (Kramer is startled when he realizes his looks) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> what is this? What have I got one pant leg on for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't you know? Look-look at your face! You only shaved the right side of your face! What is this? A joke? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, t's a joke.. a joke... a joke... you think this is funny? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Go look at your face in the mirror. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wha-huh-wha-huh... <b> </b> (door buzzer) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> yeah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't believe this. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mean, you didn't know you were doing any of these things? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I swear. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I bet this is from that kick from that crazy Joe Davola. You better see a doctor and get some X-rays. <b> </b><b> </b> (Enter George) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah! You're just the man I'm looking for. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Me? <b> </b> (George hands Kramer a paper) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, here you go. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A dry-cleaning bill? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> From that woman at NBC? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A dry-cleaning bill for what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> For vomiting on her vest! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, come on George! I didn't do that on purpose! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I shouldn't have to pay for it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, neither should I! Jerry's the one who left the milk in the refrigerator. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, your milk. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He drank it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I didn't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, well, we should all chip in I guess. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How much was it to clean the vest? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Eighteen dollars. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can you get vomit out of suede? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yo-yo Ma! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? Yo-yo Ma? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What about him? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You just said 'Yo-yo Ma'. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's Yo-yo Ma? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's a cellist. (to Kramer) You should see a doctor today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, come on, come on, let's go. Six dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe she sent you that dry-cleaning bill. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That doesn't really bode well for the show, does it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The show! Forget about the show! We should take the idea to a different network <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah. Right. Like anybody's ever gonna do this! How did you get me to go along with that? A show about nothing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It was a good idea. Susan liked it. Now, if he hadn't vomitted all over her, we'd be writing it right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jeez! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Anyway. <b> </b> (Phone rings, Kramer picks up. Answers in Italian.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What're you doing? Give me that phone! Go to your apartment and lie down, I'll make an appointment for a doctor today. <b> </b><b> </b> (on the phone) Hello? Oh hi! I'm sorry. No, that's my next door neighbor. He's not quite himself. He got kicked in the head. What? Really? You're kidding! Today? Yeah! Sure! We could make it. Two o'clock? Yeah, we would do that. Okay. Great! Thanks a million! Okay, bye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> NBC! They wanna have another meeting about the idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They wanna have another meeting? They wanna buy it?! They wanna but it?! Oh! I tell you! We're gonna be rich!! What are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know about sixty. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, it's gotta be fifty! Hee hee! You know how much Ted Danson makes, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ted Danson! Now, how are you comparing us to Ted Danson? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't say 'We're Ted Danson.' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, you did. You said 'We're Ted Danson'! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I think he wears a piece. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm ten minutes slow again! That's it for this piece of junk! I've had it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (He throws his watch in the trash can beside him) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, is that the one your parents gave you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! But it never works. You know we're supposed to be there by two o'clock. We should take a cab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, we'll be a little late, I,m not taking a cab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll pay for it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's not the money! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what is it you object to? The comfort? The Speed? The convenience? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Both raise their arm to signal a cab.) <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uncle Leo! <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Helloooo! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello there, how're you doing? <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Ha ha! How are you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good, good. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> How's your mom and dad? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good, fine. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> What are you getting to be too much of a big shot now to give me a call? I don't hear from you anymore! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no. I've been kinda busy. It's all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> You know where I just came from? <b> </b> (He grabs Jerry's forearm.) <b> </b> Danny Barma. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, sure. Danny. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> He used to be in the pajama business. I used to be able to get pajamas for free. I used to come over and get pajamas all the time! <b> </b><b> </b> (Leo shakes Jerry around using his grip on Jerry's arm.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember. <b> </b> (George gets impatient, touches his watch subtly, maybe subconsciously.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> The funny thing is: I can't wear 'em. I get too hot. I sleep in my underwear and a t-shirt. If it gets too hot, I just get the t-shirt off! Anyway, Danny says to me: 'You need any pajamas?' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I-I'm sorry Uncle Leo, I really gotta get going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> Oh. Well. You gotta get going, so go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We, we got a big meeting with the president of NBC. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> Nobody got a gun to your head! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I'm really sorry, uh. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Go. Really. I understand. You got an appointment, go to your appointment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry, really. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> You know, I know plenty of people in Hollywood too! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sorry, really. <b> </b> (Leo turns around and leaves. He passes by the trash can and sees the watch. He picks it up, takes it to his ear, laughs and puts it on. He walks away.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Hall out of Kramer's apartment) <b> </b> (Newman knocks on Kramer's door) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Come on, are you ready? Let's go! <b> </b> (Straightens his tie) <b> </b> (Kramer opens the door. He has shaving cream on his face.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> For what? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What's the matter with you? I just talked to you fifteen minutes ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> what about? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> The courthouse. You gotta go with me to the courthouse. I'm contesting a ticket today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You gotta go with me. I mean, you-you're my alibi. You have to take the stand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I can't! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, let me remind you of something. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life! You would be dead! Dead! You would cease to exist! You would be gone for the rest of eternity! You wouldn't even begin to comprehend what that means!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Shut up! I'll get my coat! <b> </b> (Newman enters Kramer's apartment) <b> </b> Don't step on anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (NBC's waiting room) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You see the look on my uncle's face? Did you see how insulted he was? What could I do? Waht are we supposed to do? You can't leave. There's no excuse good enough to justify walking away from a conversation with one of my relatives. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't shave this morning. I don't feel like myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You could be a fireman on a fire truck on the way to a fire. You bump into one of my relatives. 'I'm sorry Uncle Leo, there's a building full of people burning down. I really do have to be running.' He'll go: 'Go. Go ahead. Go to your fancy fire. If that's what you have to do.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look at this. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why didn't you shave this morning? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Cause I shaved yesterday in the afternoon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because of the day before. It's a long story. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry looks down the hall.) <b> </b> Can't get back on schedule. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that Joe Davola? <b> </b> (Jerry crouches in his seat) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's not him! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't live tlike this. I'm being stalked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Mister Seinfeld? They're ready for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b> (They get up) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mister Seinfeld? What about Mister Costanza? I'm not here? <b> </b><b> </b> (They walk toward the office) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. Look. Now, you promised you're gonna be a little more flexible on the nothing idea, okay? Jsut a little. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay. A little. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Courthouse waiting room) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Okay, you're all set? You got your story? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> When the cop stopped me, I told him that I was rushing home because my friend was about to commit suicide. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uhm... <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Now, you're that firend. Now, all we need is a reason why you were going to commit suicide. <b> </b><b> </b> (Pause; they're thinking) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I never had an air conditioner. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> No! That's no reason to kill yourself! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why? It gets hot at night, you can't sleep. You ever tried to sleep in a really hot room? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Every night I sleep in a really hot room, I don't want to kill myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I slept in really hot rooms and I wanted to kill myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> No, no, no. That's not gonna work. Something else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I was never able to become a banker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Newman has a revelation.) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Banker! So you're killing yourself because your dreams of becoming a banker have gone unfulfilled. You-you-you-you can't live without being a banker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah. If I can't be banker, I don't wanna live. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You must be banker. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> MUST be banker. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Okay, we'll go with the banker story. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (NBC office) (I might be missing a line here, I suck at cutting the commercials. If so, please complete.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story otherwise it's just masturbation. <b> </b><b> </b> (George is the only one laughing) <b> </b><b> RUSSEL </b> And people really have to care about the characters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Care? Forget about care. Love. They have to love the characters. Otherwise, why would they keep tuning in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wouldn't tune in. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would they tune in? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No tune. <b> </b><b> RUSSEL </b> We like to look at the show as if it were in EKG. You have your highs and your lows and it goes up and down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The show will be like a heart attack! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just a huge massive coronary. <b> </b><b> RUSSEL </b> So what you said last week about no story, you're a little flexible on that now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is-is that what I said 'no story'? Because Jerry had to tell me later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He couldn't believe it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I said, I said: 'Get outta here! No story? Is that what I said?' <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and George laugh) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Courtroom) <b> </b><b> POLICE OFFICER </b> Well, I informed him that he was exceeding the speed limit and uh, that's when he told me that he was racing home because his friend was about to commit suicide. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JUDGE </b> And then what happened? <b> </b><b> POLICE OFFICER </b> Well, then he became very loud and hysterical. He was flailing his arms about as he told the story and then he threw himself on the ground and he grabbed me around the legs and then he begged me to let him go. And when I refused, that's when he began to scream: 'My friend's going to die, my friend's going to die.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (NBC office) <b> </b><b> RUSSEL </b> Look. I don't know how you two guys feel but we would really like to be in business with you. <b> </b><b> </b> (George starts, Jerry starts later, both speak at the same time, nonstop) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, we would like to be in business. Let's do business. We'll have some business. Let's have business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We would love to be in business. We'll do business. We're in business. It's... it's business. This is business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> STU </b> Would it be possible to get a-a-a copy of 'La Cocina'? <b> </b><b> </b> (Pause. George and Jerry are puzzled.) <b> </b> (Jerry gets it, pokes George.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your off-Broadway play. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, oh. Uh, you know. It's the damndest thing. I, uh, I moved recently and my files, pfff, disappeared. Now, I-I don't know if they fell off the truck or if there was some sort of foul play but let me tell you something. I'm not through with that moving company. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hmm, hmm. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's my vow to you. <b> </b><b> RUSSEL </b> Well, I got a feeling about you two. And even more than that. I place a great deal of confidence in that lady's judgment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (the lady is Susan) <b> </b> (George and Jerry both speak at the same time, nonstop) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh! That's good judgment. That's a pile of judgment there. Sure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! Taht's judgment. Yes, yes. Judgment with earrings on. Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSEL </b> So, let's make a pilot. <b> </b> (Hand shakes) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Courtroom) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I had gone up to Westchester. I go there every Tuesday. I do charity for the blind in my spare time for the Lighthouse. I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi with an old blind man and I excused myself to call my friend as he was very depressed lately because he never became a banker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JUDGE </b> I don't understand. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You see, it'd been his lifelong dream to be a banker and he uh, just the day before he was turned down by another bank. I believe it was the Manufacturer's Hanover on Lexington and 40th Street. That was the third bank to turn him down so I was-I was a little concerned. I wanted to see how he was doing. Well, Your Honor, he was barely audible. But I distinctly recall him say... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yo-yo Ma! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JUDGE </b> So then he didn't kill himself. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> No sir. He did not. But only by thge grace of God. He's in the courtroom today <b> </b><b> </b> (Stands up, points to Kramer.) <b> </b> (dramatically) sitting right over there! And he can corroborate my entire testimony. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (NBC's waiting room) <b> </b> (Jerry and George are coming out of the office) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> See? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I told you, I told you! Ha ha ha! Ooh ooh! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now, all we gotta do is write it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! How're we gonna do that? <b> </b> (Enter Susan) <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hey! Congratulations! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, thank you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you, thanks. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thanks. Gee, you know, I thought you were mad at me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> No. <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Mister Seinfeld, you have a phone call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Phone call? Who knows I'm here? <b> </b> (He picks up the phone) <b> </b> Hello? Mom? How'd you know I was here? Oh, I was not rude to him, that is baloney! I couldn't talk! I couldn't talk! I had a meeting! I don't know... he-he went off on something about pajamas! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When you sent me the-the bill for the dry-cleaning. I thought the show didn't have a chance. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, it was only vomit. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Anyway, I-I would like to-to pay for the cleaning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh no-no, it's okay. *comment from transcriber: yeah, she doesn't want to be paid, didn't she send the bill?* <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No-no-no, we all chipped in. We have the money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, it was eighteen dollars. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, uh, eighteen dollars, and there it is. There you go. So maybe we could get together this weekend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah. Call me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, great. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Bye. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bye thanks. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bye, thanks. (To Jerry, when Susan is far) I can't believe she took the money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I offered to pay. She should've said no. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She did, you insisted. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe this is what the pilot should be about, vomiting on somebody's vest. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How much are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> oh, I d-I don't know. I d--- <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, gotta get fifty. Gotta get fifty. All right, I tell you what. We go to the coffee shop, you call your manager. Maybe they made an offer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, let's go, let's go, let's go, come on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Coffee shop) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thirteen thousand? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thirteen thousand. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> a piece? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, for both! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's insulting! Ted Danson makes eight hundred thousand dollars an episode. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, would you stop with the Ted Danson? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, he does. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're nuts! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's somebody. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're nobody. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why him? Why not me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's good, you're not. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm better than him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're worse, much much worse. (crouches in booth) That's Davola! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? Where? Where? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Outside! I saw him outside! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Europe) *I think.* <b> </b> (Elaine is kissing with a guy. He stops. She keeps kissing him, then stops.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> what is it? <b> </b><b> BOYFRIEND </b> Oh, it's this patient. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Again? <b> </b><b> BOYFRIEND </b> I'm fairly certain. I forgot to leave him an extra prescription for his medication. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, so, he can live without his Valium for a couple of days. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOYFRIEND </b> Nah, you don't understand. He could be dangerous. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine turns around, rolls her eyes.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Coffee shop) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Go outside and see if he's still there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't go out there, he knows we're friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what are we supposed to do? I gotta take Kramer to the doctor. <b> </b><b> </b> (A cop sits down at the counter.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tell the cop. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good idea. <b> </b> (Walks to counter) <b> </b> Excuse me officer. There's a guy outside and he's kind of a nut job and I think he's waiting to beat me up. If you could just walk me outside and wait till I get into a cab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> COP </b> Yeah, all right. Just let me get a muffin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks. <b> </b> Jerry waits a while and realizes he has to go sit back with George and wait over there.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's gonna get a muffin and then he'll walk us outside. This is a great way to go through life. <b> </b><b> </b> (Looks over at the cop) <b> </b> Hey! He's looking at the menu now. What's he looking at the menu for?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I thought you said he was gonna get a muffin. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry gets up and walks to the counter) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> COP </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, are you ordering food now? <b> </b><b> COP </b> Yeah! Yeah, I decided to get a sandwich. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened to the muffin? <b> </b><b> COP </b> I got a little hungry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All of a sudden you get hungry? <b> </b><b> COP </b> Yeah! You got a problem with that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No! Enjoy your lunch. <b> </b> (Goes back toward the booth and stops.) <b> </b> You know a muffin can be very filling. <b> </b> (Keeps walking to the booth) <b> </b><b> </b> He's getting a sandwich now! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I thought he was just gonna have a muffin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All of a sudden he gets hungry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, a muffin can be very filling. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Courtroom) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Mister Kramer, you heard the testimony so far. Would you please tell the court in your own words what happened on the afternoon of September 10th? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What do you mean 'my own words'? Whose words are they gonna be? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You know what I mean. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I was very upset that day. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> And why was that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Would you let me say it? Let me talk! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> All right, all right. Go ahead, go ahead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I was very upset that day because I could never become a banker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> And that failure to become a banker was eating at you. Eating-eating-eating at you inside. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, yeah. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It was your family that pushed you into banking , it was their dream for you... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JUDGE </b> Mister Newman. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Your Honor, I'm only trying to establish Mister Kramer's fragile emotional state, my entire case depends on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JUDGE </b> Uh, continue. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> As you were saying, Mister Kramer... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What was the question? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You're telling how your parents pushed you into banking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, well, my father when I was a kid, he took me to the bank and he lifted me up and he pointed to the teller and he said: 'Sonny boy, take a good look at him, that's gonna be you some day.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> But you never became a banker, did you Mister Kramer? Why? Why did you fail? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It was because you hated your father and you would do anything to displease him. Isn't THAT true? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JUDGE </b> Uh, could you get to the speeding? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yuh, yes. I intend to Your Honor. And then, on the afternoon of September 10th, you received a phone call did you not? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Phone call? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yes, a phone call! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> From who? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> From me! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> From you? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yes, from me!! I called you remember? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You called me? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yes, I called you, you idiot! Because you were going to... You were going to... Remember? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> what? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You were going to... <b> </b> (Mimmicks hanging himself, growing hysterical as only Newman can) <b> </b><b> </b> You were going to do something <b> </b> (Mimmicks stabbing himself in stomach and jerking the knife around) to yourself! You were going to do something to yourself! Remember the banking? The banking, about the banking, about the banking!!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JUDGE </b> I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call a--- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yes, the banker!!! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What banking? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> A banker! A banker! Your Honor, Your Honor, Your Honor... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JUDGE </b> That's enough already. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Your Honor, Mister Kramer's obviously very distraught. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm distraught!?! Wooh-wooh-hoo! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You shut up! <b> </b><b> </b> I demand a recess so I can take him outside and help him regain hius composure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JUDGE </b> That'll be seventy-five dollars. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What's the matter with you? We had it all worked out! <b> </b><b> </b> (They fall on their backs. Kramer knocks the flag on judge.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Coffee shop) (Missing another line here as well. Told you, I sucked at cutting the commercials, didn't I? Please complete again. *between asterisks are only guesses. Correct if not accurate.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> *JERRY </b> Do you see him? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not* sure. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, either you see him or you don't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. I don't. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is he doing? Is he getting coffee? I think he's getting coffee.! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's with this guy? <b> </b> (Jerry walks to the counter) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you just order coffee? <b> </b><b> COP </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is really too much. <b> </b><b> COP </b> What is your problem? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm sitting over there waiting for you to finish your sandwich for twenty minutes. Now you're drinking coffee, that's gonna be another ten minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> COP </b> Well, you're just gonna have to wait. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Enter Kramer and Newman) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Never said anything about the banking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You're off your rocker. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey you guys! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What are YOU doing here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, is Davola outside? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Davola? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I didn't see him. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Crazy Joe Davola? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, yours is eleven dollars. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Eleven dollars for what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Muffin, sandwich and coffee! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, NBC okayed our idea. We're gonna make the pilot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're gonna do the circus freak show, uh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Pilot? So what do you make for something like that? Fifty? Sixty thousand? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's the difference? The money is not important. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Newman, is that your red car? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think you're getting a ticket. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Deh! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Run, run! Go, go, go! <b> </b> (Newman runs outside) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hey! What are you doing? It's after six o'clock! You can't give me a ticket! Hey, you're not gonna get away with this. I'll fight this. I got witnesses. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I saw the whole thing! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe this whole thing would be a good idea for the pilot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, get outta here. The vomiting is much funnier. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, like you know what you're talking about! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, YOU do! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Ticket Script

1992-09-23

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE WALLET </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> Don't you hate "to be continued" on TV. It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show. You're into the story. There's like five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it." Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in five minutes. I mean the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm - Can you come back next week?" <b> </b><b> </b> (In Jerry's Car) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George and I went up to NBC and we told them our idea for a series now we're just waiting to sign the contract. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> And they liked your idea? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What'ya got leather seats here? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Since when is George a writer? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What writer? It's a sitcom. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> That's exciting. When are you going to sign the contract? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Soon, there's a couple of problems. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Jerry, I wanna tell you that meal was the worst. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you expect? It's airline food. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> . . . give you fish. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could you eat fish on a plane? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> because she puts up such a big stink every time I have a piece of meat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What kind of problems? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, George doesn't think $13,000 is enough money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What? He's not even working. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> George is right. Those people will try to get away with murder. Believe me. They're all crooks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry, I want you to sign that contract. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're going to sign it. We're going to sign it. In fact George is out with the woman from NBC right now. <b> </b><b> </b> (George's car) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, I'm uh, I'm afraid we're going to have to pass. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You're passing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it's . . . much too low. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Are you and Jerry in complete agreement on this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, yeah, . . . I believe I can speak for the both of us on this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Because you know, because this is your first show this is a pretty standard deal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Standard? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is Ted Danson's deal standard? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Ted Danson? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, the guy from Cheers. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah, I know who he is. (laughs) You're not Ted Danson. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't say I was Ted Danson. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> All right, I'll tell Russell tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> - </b> <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, uh, before I forget, . . . cigars. A present from my father. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, uh, do I have to write him a note or something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah, I am sure he'd appreciated that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But what do I say in the note? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Ah, you're a writer. You'll think of something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, uh, yeah, I'm a writer, (laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's car at gas station) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Were you waiting long at the gate? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't even know? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Where's that watch we bought you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh uh <b> </b> (Flashback to street) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's enough with this piece of junk I've had it. (throws watch in garbage) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's the one your parents bought you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but it never worked. <b> </b> (Back to present day in car at gas station) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> . . . it's being fixed. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I got a guarantee on that watch. Give it to me, I'll take it back to where I got it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's at the jeweler. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You send me the bill. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not sending you the bill. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> That watch was a gift. You shouldn't have to pay for it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GSUSAN </b> That's uh, $18.50. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Here, I got it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you talking about? It's my car. You can pay for the gas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> No, no put it away . . . <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Dad! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Stop it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have money. I make money. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Yeah, yeah, you make money. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't think I make money. That's what you think isn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> No, I don't think that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes you do. That's what you both think. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'll pay. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm paying. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Get out of here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not paying <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Jerry please, <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not doing this. <b> </b> (both fighting to pay) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, you got a lot of stuff here. . . . Dad, what are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Nothing nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Leave it. What about your back? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Morty, what are you doing? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> All right, all right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You come all the way up here to see a back specialist and you're lifting heavy suit cases. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Morty. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey, Mr. Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Mrs. Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What happened to you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well some guy kicked me in the side of the head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What guy? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Crazy Joe Devola. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I was having this party and I didn't invite him and Jerry tipped him off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why did you tell this crazy guy that Kramer didn't invite him to his party? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't know he wasn't invited <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey, these are very comfortable pants. You know what I paid for these Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> So why did you say anything? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was a mistake. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> They're good around the house and they're good for outside. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Are you okay? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah, yeah. I was a little off last week - but the doctor says it was just a slight concussion <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> So what's the matter with this Devola guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's got like a chemical imbalance. He needs to be on medication. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. He's after Jerry now. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer!! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He's what?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's joking. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He's after you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nooo. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Why is he after you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's not after me. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Morty, did you here this? Some crazy guy is after Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I'll make a few phone calls. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who are you going to call? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What are you worried about? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I want to know what you did to this guy that he's after you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't do anything. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well you must have done something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, he just doesn't like me. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Doesn't like you? How can anyone not like you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, it seems impossible. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Doesn't like you? How can that be? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ma, I know this may be hard for you to understand but I am sure there are many people who do not like me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Huh, Jerry, don't say that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's true. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> No, it's not true. You're a wonderful, wonderful boy. Everybody likes you. It's impossible not to like you. Impossible. Morty? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Maybe some people don't like him. I could see that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Kramer? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I like him. Hey Jerry, what time you got? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Um, huh, I don't have my watch on. It's being fixed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> When you getting it back? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, next week. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Next week? How come it's taking so long? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I said how come it's taking so long? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. They're backed up. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> wait a minute, wait a minute, where did you take it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where'd I take it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where did I take it? Where Did I Take It? (stabbing with knife) Um, to that place on, uh Columbus and uh, 85th. Okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jimmy Sherman's? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I know the guy. I take my stuff in there all the time. Yeah, I bet I can get your watch back by tomorrow morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, Kramer, I don't want you to say anything to him <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'd be happy to. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's a friend of mine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'd like to follow the regular procedures. I don't want any special treatment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, I'm going to get that watch back for you by tomorrow, buddy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Give me the receipt. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll get that too. (exits) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Be right back. (follows Kramer out) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (In the hallway) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> . . . I threw it in the garbage can on the street. It didn't keep good time. My parents gave it to me so don't mention it again, okay! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait, wait , . . . <b> </b> (Jerry reenters his own apartment) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What was that about? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, oh, uh, he's got my Calamine lotion and uh, I told him not to return it. If he needs it he should keep it. He's got uh, he's got a thing on his ankle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> How can anyone not like him. <b> </b> (Back doctor's office) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hi, Morty Seinfeld. I have a two o'clock appointment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Yes, Mr. Seinfeld. Would you please fill in this form(?). <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> All this? This whole thing? It's going to take me forty-five minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> I know. It's very long. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Look at this. It's a book. Employer's address. What do they need this? You know I never had a back problem until that night I slept on the convertible sofa. My back was fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well, it's not the sofa. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You stick up for that sofa like I'm criticizing a person. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We got it at Sullivan's. It's a good store. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> One day somebody's going to sleep on that thing and we'll get sued. I hope this doctor knows what he's doing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Leo says he's the best there is. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Leo, I'm listening to Leo now! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You're lucky he was able to get you this appointment. You know what the waiting list is for this guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well, if he fixes my back I'll be happy. . . . (back to the form) Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease? That's IT! . . . Here, you got my name, you got my address. That's enough. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Julie, you want to take him back? <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You what? You passed? How could you do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, my young friend, you are so naïve. You are so so naïve. You know about a few things. You know about comedy, a little bit about relationships, some baseball, but you are so far out of your element here, you are embarrassing yourself. Now listen to me. I am negotiating. Negotiation, this is what you do in business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me explain to you what you just did. There are literally hundreds of people trying to get pilot deals with them this year. They go with maybe, five. Okay, if we pass, they go to the next show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ooooo, I'm scared. . . . Ooooo they're not going to do the show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're lucky they are even interested in the idea in the first place. We got a show about nothing. With no story. What do you think, they're up there going, maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no idea, more money! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oooo what are we going to do? I'm shaking! I'm shaking! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I think you're wrong. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, we'll just see. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes we will. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes we will. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I just said that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know you did. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So good for you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So good for you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll you're repeating everything I'm saying? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We'll you're repeating everything I'm saying? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well George is an idiot. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well George,,. . . . <b> </b> (Doctor's examination room) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> All right, all right, Let's go already. They keep you in here a year. They don't give a damn. I could die in here. . . . Excuse me! Excuse me! What's going on? I'm here twenty minutes. Could somebody please help me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (enters) Shhh. Quiet! Everyone can hear you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Twenty minutes. I've been waiting twenty minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well the doctor must be busy. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well what do they make appointments for if they can't keep them. uh, look if I did that in my business I wouldn't have made a nickel . <b> </b><b> </b><b> NURSE </b> Hello, Mr. Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I thought you forgot about me. <b> </b><b> NURSE </b> We didn't forget. <b> </b> (pulls apart the Velcro blood pressure band) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Ah! It's Velcro. I can't stand Velcro. It's that t-e-a-r-I-n-g sound. I used to be in raincoats. I refused to put that in any of my lines. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NURSE </b> Okay, Mr. Seinfeld, please come this way. We need some X-rays. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Leave all my stuff here? <b> </b><b> NURSE </b> Leave it. <b> </b> (They exit) <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, by the way. Do you want a box of Cuban cigars? I smoked one last night. I got nauseous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I don't want them. <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll take it. No, I'll take it. What is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Here you go. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A box of cigars? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yep, <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The kind that Castro smokes. You can't buy them anywhere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Castro eh? Pasto costillo homiga (nonsense Spanish) <b> </b><b> </b> (Buzzer) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Federal Express. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Federal Express? Come on up. . . . Federal Express. I'm not expecting a package. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wooo, you know what you just did? You let a burglar into the building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You think so? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Federal Express? Of course. It's the oldest trick in the book. You know it might not be a burglar it might be a murderer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you want us to abolish all home package deliveries. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes. It's dangerous. <b> </b> (Knock on the door - Kramer prepares for a fight) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who is it? <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Federal Express. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, . . . <b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ALL </b> Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, Hi, I thought you went to California. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I came back for you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, shut up (pushes Kramer) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I missed you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, . . . <b> </b> (lots of missing you talk) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm going to be right back. I'm going to get a match. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who's suitcase is this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it's my parents. My father came up to see a back specialist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, golly, it's probably from sleeping on that sofa. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Boy, you look really great. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You lie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no you really look great. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hu hu, ha. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So tell us about the trip. How's Dr. Reston? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, he's fine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Things are good? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, you know (scratches cheek) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh oh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What, Uh ih? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you see that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I saw it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a tell. You gotta tell. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What tell? What's a tell? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When you ask someone about their relationship and they touch their face you know it's not going too well. Go ahead ask me how it's going with somebody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, uh, who's it going with, uh, Alice? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good, going good (scratches chin) And the higher up on the face you go the worse the relationship is getting. You know it is like - pretty good - not bad - I gotta get out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How high did I go? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You almost did the nose. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you eating my peanut butter out of the jar with your disgusting index fingers? This is a sickening display. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not eating bread now. I'm off bread. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're off bread. . . . So what happened is it over? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well not quite. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He was my psychiatrist, you know. He knows all my patterns. In my relationships I always try to find some reason to leave, so as my doctor, he can't allow me to do this, so he's not letting me leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you mean - "Not letting you?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He has this power over me, okay. He has this way of manipulating every little word I say. He's like a Svenjolly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Svengali. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did I say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Svenjolly. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Svenjolly. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't see how I could have said Svenjolly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So maybe he's got like a cheerful mental hold on you. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know I can't find a match anywhere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what you should do? You should tell this guy you're seeing somebody else. That's the easiest way to get out of these things. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, it's not going to work with this guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you just tell him an old boyfriend has come back into your life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nice try. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Took a shot. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> This is a good cigar (hair is on fire) . . . WOOOOOOOOOOW . . . (runs to bathroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Doctor's examining room. Morty enters) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So, when do I get to see the doctor? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NURSE </b> He'll be in with the X-Rays in a few minutes. You can get dressed. (leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (checking pants) They stole my wallet. The bum stole my wallet. MY WALLET'S <b> GONE! </b><b> </b><b> </b> MY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It's gone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NURSE </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Yes, I'm sure. I went in to get my X-Ray Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the operation here? <b> </b><b> </b> (doctor enters) <b> </b><b> DR. DEMBROW </b> Mr. Seinfeld, I'm Dr. Devro <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'm not interested in the X-Rays. I want my money back. Somebody stole my wallet. I had $225 in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DR. DEMBROW </b> Why, I don't see how something like that could have happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Oh, you don't see. You don't see. Well it happened. Believe me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (enters) What's going on? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> They stole my wallet. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> While I was in getting X-Rayed. <b> </b><b> DR. DEMBROW </b> All right, Mr. Seinfeld, I am sorry about your wallet but would you like me to look over these X-Rays? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What kind of clip joint are you running here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DR. DEMBROW </b> All right, fine. (leaves) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> The least you could have done was hear your diagnosis. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I am not interested in his diagnosis. He's a bum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You came all the way from Florida to see him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I want to know what kind of an office this is where you can't leave your pants in the room. You tell me. <b> </b><b> </b> (Dr. Reston's office) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am sorry but there's somebody else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> Huh, huh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well it's nothing I planned on happeniong, you knoe. It just kind of happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> Tell me about him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, there's not really much to tell, you know, he's just a guy. Really. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> Yes, I assumed he was a guy. And you've known him how long? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> . . . Years. Years, um, we've been close friends and then recently something you know just happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> You mean sexually? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah. Sexu-ally. <b> </b> (phone rings) <b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> Excuse me. Yes, Oh yes, Bobo. No it's just east of madison. Around 4:00 will be fine. All right Bobo. (hangs up) . . .I'm sorry where were we? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I was just telling you about this other guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> Elaine, do you remember your dream where you have a sexual encounter with a Chinese woman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Yeah, (cough, cough) ha um. <b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> Elaine, I'm concerned about you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, don't concern yourself with me, because I'm good. I'm very good, I mean I'm really very very good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> Elaine. Have you been urinating a lot again? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> . . . no. <b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> And how often have you been seeing, . . .? I'm sorry what is his name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> His name? <b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> Yes, his name. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, what's the difference? <b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> Are you afraid to tell me his name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, I just don't see how that's relevant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> It doesn't matter if you don't see how. I see how. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, his name, uh, Idon't even know, all right you want to know his name? I'll tell you his name. His name is . . . Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> Kramer. Is that his first name or his last name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I'm really uncomfortable talking about this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> Elaine, I want you to do me a favor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> I want you to tell this young man to give me a call. It is very important that I speak to him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no, no no no, I can't do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> You can do it and you will do it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I can't. <b> </b><b> DR. RESTON </b> You can and you will. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, okay. I'll have Kramer give you a call. <b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you didn't even let the doctor treat you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I wouldn't give him the satiusfaction. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Why did you leave your wallet in your pants? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What are you talking about? What was I supposed to hide it somewhere? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well. You could have taken it with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Oh, yeah, I'd be lying on the X-Ray table with my wallet in my mouth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Leo enter) <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Hello, ,hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Uncle Leo. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> I just talked to Dr. Denvro's son. He said they almost had to call the police. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What are you talking about? I'm the one who should have called the police. They stole my wallet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> You know how hard it was for me to get thjat appointment for you? You can't just walk in on this guy. He did me a personal favor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> All right, Leo. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> You walked out without paying. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> How was I supposed to pay? I didn't have my wallet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> Well, I hope you sent him a check. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What for? <b> </b><b> LEO </b> What for? This man was nice enough to see you. He did me a personal favor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> That's the second time you said "personal favor". Why do you keep saying that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> I said it once. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Twice! And Dembrowdoesn't even know you. His son happens to live on your floor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Leo, where did you get that watch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> You know where I got this? (flashback) I found it in the garbage can. It kept terrible time. I brought it over to Jimmy Sherman right here on 85th and Columbus. Gave it to me back the next day. Works great. What kind of idiot throws a way a perfectly good watch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Doesn't that watch look like the one we gave Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, where's the waiter. Dad, what say we have some red meat tonight. Let's live a . . <b> </b><b> </b> (looking at watch) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can we continue this another time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Wallet Script

1992-09-23

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE WATCH </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's an entire industry of bad gifts, aren't they? All those <b> </b> executive gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put a piece of green <b> </b> felt on the bottom. "It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organiser, dad." But to <b> </b> me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's no better <b> </b> way than a paperweight, to express to someone that, "I refuse to put any thought <b> </b> into this at all." Where are these people working that the papers are just <b> </b> blowing right off of their desks? What, are their desks screwed to the back of <b> </b> a flat-bed truck going down the highway or something? What, are they <b> </b> typing up in the crow's nest of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> Jerry, Helen and Morty Seinfeld and uncle Leo are having dinner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (to Leo) I don't understand this jeweller, Jimmy Sherman. <b> </b> (indicates Jerry) He brings in a watch, it takes over a week to fix. He fixed <b> </b> yours in one day. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you know these jewellers, they're enigmas. They're <b> </b> mysteries, wrapped in a riddle. <b> </b> Morty sits, brooding a little. A hostess, Naomi, passes the table. <b> </b><b> </b> Helen watches her. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (indicating to Jerry) She's very attractive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's okay. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Just okay? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's nice. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> She's better than nice. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's all right. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> She's beautiful. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's not beautiful. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I think she's beautiful. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you ask her out. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I'm not gonna ask her out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with <b> </b> you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's pretty. She's not beautiful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I should drop dead if she's not beautiful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think that's a little extreme. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> (grudgingly) She's awright. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (oblivious to the above) Two exact same watches. He tells you a <b> </b> week, and him a day. How could that be? Something's fishy about this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's Car) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He said what? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> "The hell with them." <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "The hell with them?" <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Those were his exact words. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (worried) Oh boy. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> He said, "We've got five hundred shows to choose from. Why <b> </b> should we give two guys, who have no idea, and no experience, more money?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (still worried) He was pretty emphatic? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Pounded on his desk. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pounded? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (tossing her purse on the dash) I told you to take the offer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (getting animated) Look I, I uh, I had nothing to do with this. <b> </b> It wasn't my decision. It was Jerry! Jerry told me no. I'm the creative <b> </b> guy. He handles the business end. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You said it was insulting. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was quoting him. Why would I be insulted? I'm never insulted. <b> </b> You could call me baldy, dump soup on my head. Nothing insults me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, there's nothing I can do. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, don't they make a counter offer? How can they just cancel <b> </b> the whole deal like that? What kind of a maniac is this guy? I mean he <b> </b> just, he says no, and that's it? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah, that's the way Russell is. He doesn't like to play games. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, he has to play! He can't just not play. We're playing! <b> </b> Look, I gotta see him, how do I get in touch with him? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You'll have to wait til Monday. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mon...? No, no, I can't wait til Monday, that's impossible, I <b> </b> gotta talk to him now. Where does he live? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (laugh) I can't give you his address. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George looks frustrated for a second, then notices Susan's purse on the <b> </b> dash. He grabs it, Susan grabs it and a struggle ensues. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Give it back! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Gimme the purse! <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's Apartment) <b> </b> Elaine and Kramer sit on the couch. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, so he just wants to talk to you. I couldn't talk him out <b> </b> of it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, <b> </b> okay. Can you do that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Have we been intimate? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, how often do we do it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think <b> </b> he's gonna ask you that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like <b> </b> that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, alright. We do it, uh... (thinks) five times a week, <b> </b> okay? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (suggestive) Oooh, baby. (smiles) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, man. Alright, listen. Just tell me something, what are you <b> </b> gonna say? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I know what I'm gonna say. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, but I would like to hear it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no. I don't wanna say it out loud. Kills the spontaneity. <b> </b> You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed. (indicates phone) 'Kay, go 'head, do it. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine picks up the phone, while Kramer prepares himself. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (dialling) Alright, okay. You talk to him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (playing with his hair) Talk to him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, how's your hair? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, well, yeah, it's good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (handing over the phone) You're not the type that should be <b> </b> playing with matches, seriously Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (listens) Uh, yes. Uh uh, Doctor uh, Reston, is he in? Well, <b> </b> this is Kramer and uh, he's expecting my call. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (mouths silently) Okay. <b> </b> Kramer holds on. He begins to sing along with the hold music. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (singing) ...Johnny ...was a rebel. He rode through the land... <b> </b><b> </b> He waggles his eyebrows at Elaine, who gives a 'what the hell is he <b> </b> doing?' look. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...Yu uh, yes, yes uh, uh, Doctor Reston. Uhm well, hello <b> </b> there. Ahh yeah, well, I'm a good friend of Elaine's... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (animated, but quietly) No, no. Not friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...Well, actually uh, we're uh, we're not friends Uh, we're uh, <b> </b> we're much more than friends... <b> </b> Elaine signals her approval, indicating that Kramer should keep going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...and uh, I'm afraid we have a bit of a problem. Well, the <b> </b> point is, doctor uh, I'm very much in love with Elaine... <b> </b> Elaine smiles. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...and uh, she's very much in love with me, and uh, well uh, we <b> </b> would uh, appreciate it if you would cease and desist, and allow us to pursue <b> </b> our courtship unfettered. <b> </b> Elaine looks extremely pleased, she gives Kramer okay gestures. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (mouths silently) That's perfect! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> If not, I can assure you, doctor, that I can make things very <b> </b> unpleasant for you and your staff. If you have one. <b> </b> Elaine looks even happier. She slaps Kramer on the arm to indicate he's <b> </b> doing so well. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes. Yeah, but the point that I... (listens) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine's smile begins to look a bit stiff. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...Ah, ye... (listens) Well, no... Uh, yeah, that's possible... <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine's face starts to look a bit sick. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (listens) ...Well, I suppose I could, (turns away from Elaine) <b> </b> but I'd have to shift a few things around, uhm... Hold on for a second, will <b> </b> you? Uh... <b> </b> Kramer reaches down and picks up a writing pad, he puts it on his knee. <b> </b> Elaine watches, looking increasingly confused and worried. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ... Uh, go ahead, yeah. (listens and makes a note) Alright <b> </b> uh... Yeah, yeah, okay... I look forward to it too. (listens) Eh, hah, okay. So <b> </b> long. <b> </b> Kramer hangs up the phone. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What happened? What'd he say? (indicates pad) What's going on <b> </b> here? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, okay now. He uh, you know, he uh, wants to get together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (horrified) Get together!! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He wants to talk. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, why didn't you say no!! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (momentary confusion) Wha...? Uh... (thoughtful) That's <b> </b> interesting. <b> </b> Elaine flops back into the couch, let down again by Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (frustration) Ugh! <b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> Naomi, the hostess, stands by the Seinfeld's table. <b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> Did you enjoy your poisson? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> It was... different. <b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> (to Jerry) And how was yours? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, very good. <b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> You should try our mousse. (a little flirtatious) It'll change <b> </b> your life expectancy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No thanks, just the check. <b> </b> Naomi leaves. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What's the matter with you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Why didn't you flirt with her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> She was flirting with you. Why didn't you say something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What am I gonna say? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You just sat there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you made me uncomfortable. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You're a comedian, couldn't you come up with something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> (to Morty) Where's the bathroom? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In the back, on your right. <b> </b> Leo gets up and leaves. The busboy brings the check to the table. As he <b> </b> puts it down, Morty takes hold of it. Jerry grabs it too. A tug of war <b> </b> develops. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Dad! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Will you stop it Jerry. Let go. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Will you let me pay just once. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You're out of your mind. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How you gonna pay? You don't even have a wallet! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Don't worry about it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What're you gonna do? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What's the difference, we'll figure something out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (to Jerry) You're not paying. <b> </b> Jerry releases his grip, allowing a triumphant Morty to take the check. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, fine. You figure something out. I'd be very curious to <b> </b> know how you pick up a check with no money. 'Cause if this works, the whole <b> </b> monetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum. (standing) I'm going to the <b> </b> bathroom. <b> </b> Jerry walks away. Morty reads the check, with Helen leaning to read it <b> </b> too. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> How the hell am I gonna pay for this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant Bathroom) <b> </b> Jerry enters, to find Leo washing his hands. Leo notices Jerry in the <b> </b> mirror. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> They give you some portion here, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, yeah. (broaching a subject) Hey uncle Leo, I hope I wasn't <b> </b> uh, rude to you that day I bumped into you on the street. Uh, I really did have <b> </b> to get to a meeting. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> (preening himself in the mirror) Aw, no, no, I understand. I got <b> </b> plenty of friends in showbusiness. I know you're all very busy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you found that watch in the garbage can, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> Yeah. In fact it was right after I ran into you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, heh. You know, a friend of mine has a watch just like that. <b> </b> I'd love to replace it for him as a gift. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Well, I haven't seen too many like (indicating watch) these. <b> </b><b> </b> Leo begins to head for the door. Jerry walks backwards, keeping pace <b> </b> with him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I know. Maybe uh, you wanna sell me that one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> (sarcastic) Aww, sure. (laughter) <b> </b> Leo opens the door and begins to exit. Jerry grabs him by the arm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pulling Leo back in) Hang on a second. I got a little <b> </b> proposition for you. <b> </b><b> </b> (Apartment Building Lobby) <b> </b> A uniformed doorman is on the phone to a tenant, while a nervous George <b> </b> stands beside him. <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> (into phone) There's a George Bonanza to see you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Costanza. Costanza. <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> (into phone) George Costanza. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The guy who pitched him the show with the stories about <b> </b> nothing. (snaps fingers) Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld's friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> (into phone) Seinfeld friend. (he listens) (to George) He <b> </b> says, call him Monday. <b> </b> A desperate George grabs the phone, and the doorman's hand, and pulls <b> </b> it down so's he can speak into it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (into phone, frantic) Mister Dalrimple! Mister Dalrimple I have <b> </b> to talk to you! <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> Excuse me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's about the show. It... No, it was... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> Excuse me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...It was all a terrible misunderstanding, sir. Just five <b> </b> minutes. Just five minutes of your time. (listens) Thank you! Thank you, Mister <b> </b> Dalrimple. <b> </b> George releases his grip on the phone, and indicates the doorman should <b> </b> listen to it. Keeping a wary eye on George, he does. <b> </b><b> DOORMAN </b> (into phone) Very good, sir. <b> </b> A happier George slaps the doorman on the shoulder and heads toward <b> </b> Russell Dalrimple's apartment. <b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> Morty stands, explaining his predicament to the maitre d', who speaks <b> </b> with an approximate French accent. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You don't understand. I can't allow my son to pay for me. Look, <b> </b> as soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you I'll mail you a check. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAITRE D' </b> Why don't you just let him pay, and then you can pay him <b> </b> back? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> No, no, he won't let me do that. <b> </b><b> MAITRE D' </b> Why don't you just put the money in his pants pocket, <b> </b> unsuspectingly? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> He could wash them. <b> </b><b> MAITRE D' </b> Monsieur, we are running a reputable business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Don't tell me about business! I sold raincoats for thirty-five <b> </b> years! <b> </b><b> MAITRE D' </b> Aha, but you did not give them away, did you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You don't understand my... <b> </b><b> MAITRE D' </b> Ah, monsieur, I cannot get involved with you and your <b> </b> family, ah. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street Corner) <b> </b> Kramer and Elaine stroll to the entrance of Dr Reston's building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Now look, don't take too long. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (looking around) Look at this building. What is this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. It's a building. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (indicating) The door's on a diagonal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (looking around) It's architecturally incorrect. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (frustrated) Just go. <b> </b> Kramer opens the door and begins to enter. Elaine waves him goodbye, <b> </b><b> </b> then wonders why she's doing that and gives up. <b> </b><b> </b> (Russell Dalrimple's Apartment) <b> </b> Russell has opened the door to an anxious George. In the background is <b> </b> a set dinner table, at which sits Cynthia, Russell's beautiful date. She <b> </b> looks haughty and bored throughout the scene. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (sidling in) Is this a bad time? I hope I'm not disturbing <b> </b> anything. <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> We were about to sit down to dinner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George motions he's sorry, but makes no effort to leave. <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> (indicating) This is Cynthia. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (entering the apartment more fully) Oh. Oh, hi, hi. Hi. Nice to <b> </b> meet you. (peering at the table) What're you having, veal? <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Looks like veal. <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> It's not veal. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it's a good looking piece of meat. (laughs nervously) <b> </b> Wow, this is some place. A duplex, huh? (indicating) Look at this, you got stairs in <b> </b> an apartment. All my life, I dreamed about having steps in an apartment. <b> </b> Even one step. Sunken living room. Although, one step is really not all that <b> </b> sunken. (tries hard to elicit a laugh) <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Who gave you my address? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, that's a fair question. It is, uhm... (nervous chuckle) <b> </b> Jerry, yeah. (to Cynthia) Jerry's a friend of mine. (to Russell) He uh, he gave it <b> </b> to me. Unbelievable how many addresses of people this guy has. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Russell closes the door. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's got Marlon Brando's. I could go to Marlon Brando's house <b> </b> if I really wanted. <b> </b> Cynthia rises and slinks past George toward the living room area. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Course, I wouldn't, I mean uh, the guy is uh, well obviously <b> </b> (to Cynthia, as she passes) the guy has his problems. <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> So, what's the surprise? You wanna talk about the show? <b> </b><b> </b> Cynthia sits on the couch, and puts her wine glass on the coffee table. <b> </b> As George speaks, Russell crosses to the coffee table, picks up the glass <b> </b> and puts down a coaster, before sitting the glass on it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you know, it's really very funny, because you know what <b> </b> we got here, really? We really, really, just have a terrible misunderstanding. <b> </b> You see, when I passed on the deal, I thought that's what Jerry wanted me to <b> </b> say. Y'know, I, I misinterpreted. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> (bored) Russell, where's the TV Guide. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, what time is it? Eight thirty? I'll tell you what's on. You <b> </b> got Major Dad, Blossom, very funny programme... <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Blossom's on Monday. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you sure? Oh, look who I'm talking to. The president of <b> </b> NBC. (forced laughter) <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Look Mister Costanza, it's too late now anyway. I already made <b> </b> a deal with another writing team. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (worried) Alright, alright. Look, we're people, you and me, <b> </b> huh? Businessmen. Colleagues, if I may. Let's not quibble. We'll do it for <b> </b> the thirteen thousand. Thirteen thousand, and I never came up here, we <b> </b> never talked, alright. You take good care. (moving past Russell toward the door) It <b> </b> was nice seeing you again, and nice meeting you. (to Cynthia) Cynthia, right? <b> </b><b> </b> George is opening the door. <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Alright, now look. These deals are already made. <b> </b><b> </b> George closes the door and turns back to Russell. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Awright, lemme just say this. Ten thousand dollars, alright, <b> </b> and now I'm going below what you wanted to pay. You have your dinner, have your <b> </b> veal, or whatever it is. Enjoy... <b> </b> George opens the door, and is halfway through. <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Mister Costanza. <b> </b> George re-enters again. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, that's it. Alright, good, eight thousand dollars. (to <b> </b> Cynthia) Cynthia, again, nice meeting you. Have I commented on the shoes? I love <b> </b> suede, it's so thick and rich. Did you ever, you ever rub it against the <b> </b> grain? Alright, anyway... <b> </b> George is halfway through the door again. <b> </b><b> CYNTHIA </b> (bored, frustrated) Russell, can we eat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> (to George) Alright. Eight thousand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pleased) You've made Jerry very happy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George exits and Russell closes the door firmly. As Russell returns to <b> </b> Cynthia, there is a tentative tap at the door. Russell opens it, to reveal <b> </b> George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> May I just use your bathroom for a moment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant Bathroom) <b> </b> Leo and Jerry are mid-negotiation over the watch. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, two hundred, but that's as high as I can go. I really <b> </b> think you're being unreasonable here! <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Jerry, I'd give you the watch. It's not the money, I happen to <b> </b> like it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, I happen to know how much that watch cost. It's a sixty <b> </b> dollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred dollars. I'm <b> </b> offering you two hundred! <b> </b><b> LEO </b> (indicating) I've never seen a band like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aww, right. Three hundred, plus fifty for the repair. Three <b> </b> fifty, that's it! <b> </b><b> LEO </b> You have it on you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I think I do. <b> </b> Jerry fetches out his wallet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (under his breath) This is unbelievable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry begins handing over a wad of bills to Leo. The door to the <b> </b> bathroom opens and Morty enters. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What the hell is going on here? <b> </b><b> </b> (Dr Reston's Office) <b> </b> On the street outside, Elaine waits, while upstairs Kramer introduces <b> </b><b> </b> himself to Dr Reston. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it uh, (offering his hand) it's a pleasure to meet you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RESTON </b> (shaking hands) Thank you for coming in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> RESTON </b> Please, sit down. <b> </b> Dr Reston sits in one of a pair of leather armchairs which face each <b> </b> other, he crosses his legs. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (quiet) Okay. <b> </b> Kramer sits and the leather of the chair makes a series of embarrassing <b> </b><b> </b> rumbles and squeaks, with more of the same as he emulates Dr Reston's crossed <b> </b> legs sitting position. <b> </b><b> RESTON </b> Could I offer you something to drink. Uhm, coffee? Anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay uh, yeah. I'll have a uh, you have a decaf cappuccino? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RESTON </b> I don't think we have that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that's a little strange. <b> </b><b> RESTON </b> Uh, why does that surprise you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's uh, it's a very popular drink <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RESTON </b> This is an office. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's true. But, you know, I can't help but think that uh... <b> </b><b> </b><b> RESTON </b> (interrupting) So tell me Mister Kramer... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...Okay, yes, shoot. <b> </b><b> RESTON </b> Tell me all about uh, you and Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, alrighty uh... <b> </b> He moves in his seat, resulting in another digestive tract rumble from <b> </b> the leather. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, what we have here, doctor, is uhm, an extraordinary <b> </b> situation. <b> </b><b> RESTON </b> Is it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you better believe it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street Corner) <b> </b> Elaine is waiting outside for Kramer. Along the street strolls Joe <b> </b> Davola, singing as he goes. <b> </b><b> DAVOLA </b> (singing) '...Travelling along...' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine recognises the tune, and joins in. <b> </b><b> ELAINE/DAVOLA </b> '...singing a song, side by side...' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Davola stops and looks at Elaine. He looks like he likes what he sees, <b> </b> and Elaine seems interested too. They flirt. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow. You really have a terrible voice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DAVOLA </b> Do I know you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uhh, I don't think so. <b> </b><b> DAVOLA </b> 'Cos you really look familiar. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, well maybe you've seen me. My face is on uhm, Mount <b> </b> Rushmore. <b> </b><b> DAVOLA </b> Oh yes, of course, that's it. I guess I'm just used to seeing <b> </b> it on a much larger scale. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah, right. I replaced uh, Teddy Roosevelt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DAVOLA </b> Oh really. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Umm. Trustbuster. Bust this. <b> </b> They laugh and smile at each other. <b> </b><b> </b> (Dr. Reston's Office) <b> </b> Kramer and Dr Reston are also laughing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, I never thought of it like that before, doctor. <b> </b> (points) You, are absolutely right. <b> </b><b> RESTON </b> I'm glad we agree. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (reaching in pocket) Hey, would you like a cigar? Y'know, <b> </b> they're Cubans. <b> </b><b> RESTON </b> I'd love one. <b> </b> Kramer hands over a cigar and fetches a match from his pocket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. You know, I think Elaine is a wonderful woman. You two <b> </b> are gonna make a wonderful couple. <b> </b> Kramer strikes a match on the sole of his shoe. <b> </b><b> RESTON </b> If you ever feel, a need to talk to someone... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (lighting Dr Reston's cigar) Uh huh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RESTON </b> ...About anything. You have my number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (lighting his own cigar) Well, that's very kind of you. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer puts down the match, not noticing he's placed it on a box of <b> </b> tissues. He and Dr Reston puff contentedly at their cigars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mmm, these are good, huh? <b> </b> Kramer notices he's set light to the top tissue in the box. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (quiet) Oh. <b> </b> Kramer pulls the smouldering tissue from the box. He shakes it to put <b> </b> out the fire, but a piece falls to the floor. As he reaches for it, he keeps <b> </b> the rest of the tissue in his hand, where it burns his fingers. He jumps, almost <b> </b> dropping his cigar, and sucks at his burned digits. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street Corner) <b> </b> Elaine is using Davola's back as a rest as she jots her number on a <b> </b> piece of paper. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I cannot believe I'm doing this. I never meet people like this. <b> </b> You're not a nut, are you? <b> </b><b> DAVOLA </b> No, I don't think so. <b> </b> Elaine hands the piece of paper and the pen back to Davola as they <b> </b> laugh at the ludicrous possibility that he might be a nut. <b> </b><b> </b> (Restaurant) <b> </b> Naomi is handing her card to Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe I'm doing this. I never do stuff like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> (joking) Really? I give out my number to just about every <b> </b> customer who comes in here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. (chuckles) Really? You don't seem that desperate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> (playing it straight) Oh yeah. Actually, I'm a little <b> </b> disappointed. I kind of had my eye on uncle Leo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh huh. Well uh, I'll give you a call, and thanks for the fish. <b> </b> By the way, you know why fish are so thin? <b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They eat fish. <b> </b> Naomi starts to laugh at his joke. It is, of course, the laugh later <b> </b> described as 'Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer'. It's loud and persistent. Jerry <b> </b> leaves, but then leans back around the corner with a look of disbelief on his face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Lobby In Dr. Reston's Office) <b> </b> A cheerful Joe Davola waits for the elevator to arrive, whistling 'Side <b> </b> By Side'. The elevator arrives with a ding of the bell. The door opens and <b> </b> Kramer steps out, shielded from Davola by other passengers. Kramer walks away, <b> </b> relighting his cigar, as Davola enters the elevator, still whistling <b> </b><b> </b> happily. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street Corner) <b> </b> Elaine sits on the steps outside the building. The door opens and one <b> </b> of the other elevator passengers exits, he releases the door, which swings <b> </b> shut, almost striking Kramer. Kramer walks toward Elaine. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What happened? What took you so long? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, he's a terrific guy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wha...? What are you talking about? What'd he say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, we talked about a lot of things. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The camera pans up, toward the lighted window of Dr Reston's office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You talked about a lot of things? Well... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you talk about us? <b> </b> Elaine and Kramer's voices fade out, and the voices inside the window <b> </b> fade up. <b> </b><b> DAVOLA </b> I'm in love. I just met her outside in the street. Her <b> </b> name's Elaine. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RESTON </b> Did you say Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b> (Nightclub) <b> </b> Jerry's standup piece. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How come the psychiatrist, every, the hour is only fifty <b> </b> minutes? Wha, what do they do with that ten minutes that they have left? Do they just <b> </b> sit there going, "Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he <b> </b> was saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another headcase!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry brings his parents' cases from the bedroom. Helen is finishing <b> </b><b> </b> packing. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You shoulda told me it didn't work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, I know. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You didn't have to throw it out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was always late. It was frustrating me. I'm sorry, I really <b> </b> am. <b> </b> The buzzer sounds. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh, that must be Leo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I woulda taken you to the airport. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He has nothing to do. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Neither do I. (to intercom) Yeah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. (to parents) It's George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Oh, it's George. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What ever happened with NBC and the deal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, George turned it down. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He turned it down? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Why did he do that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because of Ted Danson. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What does Ted Danson have to do with it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (fetching a drink from the fridge) Hey, who knows, maybe we'll <b> </b> wind up getting more money. <b> </b> George enters. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Jerry) Hey. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey, Georgie-boy, how are ya? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Mr Seinfeld. (shakes Morty's hand) Hey, Mrs Seinfeld. How <b> </b> are you? <b> </b> He approaches Helen for a greeting. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What's the matter with you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What'd I do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about NBC? Did you hear anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did. <b> </b> Jerry looks expectantly, but George makes him wait. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We got a deal. <b> </b> There is an outpouring of jubilation and congratulations aimed at <b> </b> George. <b> </b><b> MORTY/HELEN/JERRY </b> (simultaneous) Hey!/That's wonderful!/We got a deal! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Heyy! Terrific. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You see, he had the right idea. Hold out. That's how you get the <b> </b> big money, huh George? (slaps George on the shoulder) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, please, Morty. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> No, no, no. He knows how to talk to these people. No-one's gonna <b> </b> take advantage of Georgie. (slaps George's shoulder again) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm just happy to be working with your talented son... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aww... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...Who's not doing this for the money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...C'mon. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You have no idea how refreshing that is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what'd we get? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (big smile) Eight thousand dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Beautiful! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (quietly) That's uh, for the two of us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Four thousand apiece? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lemme see if I understand this. In other words, you held out <b> </b> for... less money. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was wrong, you were right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, the basic idea of negotiation, as I understand it, is <b> </b> to get your price to go... up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're smart, I'm dumb. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, this is how they negotiate in the bizarro world. <b> </b><b> </b> The buzzer sounds. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> That's gotta be Leo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to intercom) Yeah? <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Leo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, we're coming down. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Alright, let's get going. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Dad, before we go, I got a little something for you. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry fetches a small package from the kitchen drawer and offers it to <b> </b> Morty. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A present. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> A present? <b> </b> Morty opens it. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey! Look at this, a wallet. Exactly what I needed, y'see. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon, you lost your wallet, I figured I'd get you another one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I hope you didn't spend too much on that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I wanna tell you. This is one of the most thoughtful gifts <b> </b> anyone's ever given me. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He's something, you son, isn't he? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah hah, alright, let's go. <b> </b> Everyone begins to head for the door. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You're a terrific kid. <b> </b> Jerry picks up a case. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, he's something, isn't he? <b> </b> George picks up the other case, as Morty and Helen exit. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> How could anybody not like you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Jerry) You're very special. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pointedly) Yeah, I'm good for about four thousand dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Uncle Leo has the trunk of his car open and looks impatient. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> Hey, let's go! It's twelve (checks watch) uh, twelve twenty-two. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Alright, Leo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, uncle Leo. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Hi, hi... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How you doing? <b> </b> There are murmurs of greetings. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is some beautiful parking spot you got here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> Yeah, I hate to give it up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Hey, dad, you sure you don't need any more money? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I'm just joking. Listen, have a nice trip. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (hugging Jerry) Bye bye, Jerry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bye Mrs Seinfeld, take care. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Bye bye. (hugging Jerry) Thanks again for the wallet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shaking hands with Morty) Morty, always a pleasure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Take care now. So long. <b> </b> Jerry and George walk away to cross the street back to the apartment. <b> </b><b> </b> They speak quietly, so's Helen and Morty don't overhear. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, like he was really gonna take your money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars in the new wallet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're kidding. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He lost all that cash. It was the only way I could give it back <b> </b> to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Man, would I like to see the look on his face. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry gives a final wave to his parents. They wave back. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You believe this? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (indicates the new wallet) It's velcro. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You're kidding. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Who needs this? <b> </b> He tosses the wallet into the trash bin. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Leo, let's go. <b> </b> Morty and Helen climb into Leo's car. Leo closes the trunk and walks <b> </b> toward the driver's door. He stops, as something catches his eye. Leo picks the <b> </b> wallet out of the trash, looks around to see if anyone's watching, and tucks it <b> </b> into his pocket as he goes to get in the car. <b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> Jerry's standup piece. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...main difference between the women's wallet and the man's <b> </b> wallet, is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph of every <b> </b> person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since the beginning <b> </b> of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean? It's, "Here's my <b> </b> cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now." "This is my dog. He died <b> </b> during the Johnson administration." You know. You get stopped by a cop, no <b> </b> licence, no registration, (waves imaginary wallet) "Here's fifty-six people that <b> </b> know me." Cop goes. "Alright, ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Watch Script

1992-10-07

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE BUBBLE BOY </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Naomi enter Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well this is it. <b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> This is nice. Thanks again for the Chinese food. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you're welcome. You know I think I ate too much of that garlic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> Yeah, me too, <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I ate the whole plate. I didn't know those little things were garlic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> Laughs - ha ha ha (obnoxious laugh). Oh, you know what? I think Naked <b> </b><b> </b> gun is on. I've seen it. I <b> </b> laughed through that whole thing. You wanna watch? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I mean, I don't think so. <b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you uwere happy go lucky. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, nah, I'm not happy and I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything <b> </b><b> </b> I'm sad stop unlucky. <b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> ha ha ha ha ha ha ha <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's not funny Naiomi. I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you <b> </b><b> </b> check the TV guide. I think uh, Holacost is on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (on phone) Jerry, it's George. Hey, hey are you all set foe the week end. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> This is going to be great. You're going to have a great time with Naomi. <b> </b><b> </b> All right, you know she's got that laugh. What did you say? It's like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer? <b> </b><b> </b> AAnyway, i was thinking we would take two cars up to the cabin and that way if one of wanted to stay you know... <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry rips machine out of the wall plug) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This thing has never worked right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> You think I laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, first of all Elmer Fudd is one of the most beloved internationally known cartoon characters of <b> </b><b> </b> all time. "I'm going to kill that cwazy wabbit ... ha ha " Come on. Not only that, a juicer is one of the <b> </b><b> </b> healthiest ways ... (Naomi exits) it makes the juice ... extracts the pulp and the vitamins, for long life <b> </b><b> </b> and vitality. <b> </b> (break) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could you leave a mesage like that on my machine.? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well how could you just play your message in front of anybody? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because I didn't think anyone would leave it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I didn't think anyone would play it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, now she's not going away for this weekend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you mean not goin'? We got plans here. Call her up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's better anyway. I mean really. What was going to happen? I'm a comedian. How can I go out with a <b> </b><b> </b> girl with a laugh like that? It's like Coco Chanel goin' out with a fish monger. <b> </b><b> </b> Cause she's with all the perfumes and a fish mongers a pretty bad smell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well maybe you should ask Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah but if I ask Elaine, Kramer will feel slighted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh no no, don't say anything to Kramer. Susan can't stand him. He vomited all over her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, .. wait a minute do you smell smoke? <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters smoking a cigar) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hello boys, top of the morning to ya. What do you say? What do ya be? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Will you put that thing out before you start another fire. You had to give him a box of cigars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, what are you guys doin this weekend? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> , GEORGE: uh uh, we're uh .. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because I'm going to e playing golf at the Westchester country club. Hum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Westchester? Isn't that a private club? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, that's right buddy. It's private. It's very private. But I met the pro at the golf shop up on 49th St. <b> </b><b> </b> and I gave him one of these Cubans and he invites me up to play a free round then he says anytime I lay one of <b> </b><b> </b> these babies on him it's going to be the same deal. Ha ha. Isn't that beautiful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> and GEORGE: ye, hu, um ye, <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Man, I'm going to be hitting the links all weekend. foooo <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Gee, that's too bad. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Too bad. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why? What wa? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, they got any golf courses up there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> and GEORGE: No, no, no, no. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's pie country. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They do a lot of baking up there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They sell them by the side of the road. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PIE PIE PIE PIE </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> (MONKS) </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on. I don't want to tag along with George and Susan. If you're there it will be a better group. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, it's an autographed picture for my dry cleaner. I don't know what to write on these things. <b> </b><b> </b> I hate doin' this. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> "I'm very imPRESSED"? ... Ah you mean pressed caus' its like a dry cleaner? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, see that's why I hate it. So, come on, you going to go? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, what about the sleeping arrangements? In the Cabin! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, um same bed and uh, underwear and a tee shirt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You'll be naked of course. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, thats, ... <b> </b><b> MEL </b> Excuse me, Jerry Seinfeld? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> MEL </b> My name's Sanger, mel Sanger. I drive that truck out there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, the Yoo Hoo? I love Yoo Hoo. <b> </b><b> MEL </b> It's a fine product. Anyway I saw you on the Tonight Show a couple of weeks ago. I was watching <b> </b><b> </b> the show with my son Donald. He's got this rare immune deficiency in his blood. Damnedest thing. <b> </b><b> </b> Doctors say he has to live in a plastic bubble. Can you imagine that? A bubble. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A bubble? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A bubble? <b> </b><b> MEL </b> Yes, a bubble! <b> </b><b> MEL </b> Do you mind? May I? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, sure. <b> </b> (Mel sits down with them) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MEL </b> Ah, It'd break your heart seein' him in there. It's like a prisoner. No friends - just his mother and me. <b> </b><b> </b> And I'm out there six days a week haulin' Yoo Hoo We have sacrificed everything. All for our little bubble boy <b> </b><b> </b> (breaks up in tears) <b> </b><b> MEL </b> Excuse me, I <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Here (giving out paper napkins) <b> </b><b> MEL </b> Excuse me, anyway we were watching you on TV <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You get in the bubble with him? <b> </b><b> MEL </b> No. He can see through the bubble. It's plastic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I thought it was like an igloo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MEL </b> No, it's clear. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah ha. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who has the remote? <b> </b><b> MEL </b> He does. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The remote goes through the bubble? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MEL </b> Yeah, he's in the bubble with the remote. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you have no control over the remote? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MEL </b> No, it's frustrating. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, of course, yeah. <b> </b><b> MEL </b> So anyway, you're his favourite comedian. he laughed so hard the other night we had to give him an extra shot <b> </b><b> </b> of hemoglobin. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's nice! <b> </b><b> MEL </b> Tomorrow is his birthday and it would mean so much to him if you could find it in your heart ta' pay him a visit <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and just say hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hu, well, tomorrow, I, ... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry! Of course he'd pay him a visit. You'd be happy to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, uh, Ok, uh, tomorrow uh, where do you live, uh up town? Upper west side? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MEL </b> Up state. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Up state! Hummm. <b> </b> (break) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's a bubble boy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A bubble boy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. a bubble boy. <b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> What's a bubble boy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He lives in a bubble. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Boy! <b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> So, what kind of a bubble? Like an igloo? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, that's what I thought but apparently it's just a big piece of plastic dividing the room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> Oh, <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What kind of plastic do you think it is? What do you think like that dry cleaning plastic? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's no good. He wouldn't last ten minutes in there. anyway what can I do I promised I'd go visit him tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> It's his birthday. I can't go to the cabin. <b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> Well, where does he live? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, up state, Falls, somethin' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> Wait a minute, This is right on the way to the cabin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, beautiful, so you stop in. Ya, ya visit the bubble boy for twenty minutes and then we can go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You think we can do it? <b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> I know exactly where this is. You can just follow us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, great. Ok we'll goin' away. I think I'm excited. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> I'm excited. Oh, you're going to love this cabin. My grandfather built it in 1947. It's it's incredible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right there you go. It's a '47 cabin all right. So, we'll see you tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> OK, </b> <b> </b> (Kramer enters with golf bag, clubs and outfit, smoking a cigar) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> and JERRY: Very nice, very nice, nice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Susan recoils at his presence) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm off to the links. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> and JERRY: Yeah, <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Listen, I want to thank you for the invite up state. I'm sorry I can't make it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> The what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing, uh lets get going. Come on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> Did you.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, we'll talk about it later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> Is that one of the cigars my father gave you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> IN car on highway <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> hey, what's with George and Susan? Does he actually like her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, I don't know if he likes her as much as he likes it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, that's nice! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's he doing? What is his hurry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well you know George. It's not enough to get there. you gotta make good time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know he once went from West 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I never heard the end of it....Look at him. <b> </b> (George's car) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would you stop that please. Would you just stop that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ... just sit in your seat over there you're distracting me. We're making incredible time here. <b> </b><b> </b> I once went from west 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in uh 15 minutes. hu uh Here hold this. It's <b> </b><b> </b> ten dollars for the tolls. <b> </b> (Jerry's car) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's he doing? Is he out of his mind? Do you see him? I don't even think I see him anymore. Where is he? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Isn't that blue car him? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no that's not him. What happened to him? I can't believe it. I lost him. That stupid idiot. <b> </b><b> </b> Now what are we going to do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's no big deal Jerry. We'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't even know where the bubble boy lives. I don't even remember the name of the town. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wa',you don't have the directions? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I was following him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How could you not take the directions? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because, HE'S my directions. <b> </b> (from George's car) <b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> I didn't see them George. <b> </b> (Jerry ranting in his car) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> we make all these plans - he goes a hundred miles an hour - the whole weekend's over - incredible - just like that - <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Poor little bubble boy. He's sitting there waiting for you in his bubble, or igloo thing or whatever. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW </b><b> WHERE I AM </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just get off at this exit. We'll figure somethin' out. <b> </b><b> </b> (from George's car) <b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> We lost them. Do you KNOW THAT. WE LOST <b> THEM! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's not my fault. Seinfeld can't drive. How hard is it to follow somebody? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> Well now what are you going to do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's fine, we'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> Does he have the address? <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment - Kramer enters - picks up a piece of paper from the counter) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (answering machine) Leave a message. I'll call you back. Thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> (on phone speaker) Hi, Jerry it's Naomi, Listen, if its not too late I've changed my mind, I'd like to go to the cabin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait, wai, ... ... Yeah. Hello!, Hi, Aw, this is Kramer. Yeah, I'm the next door neighbour. Aw, well you know, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's left, uh, But listen, yeah, see my golf game got cancelled. Uh, I'm thinkin' of going up myself... They got <b> </b><b> </b> pies and I got the directions right here. <b> </b> (break) <b> </b> (Kramer's car) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So then I drive all the way up to the country club and then I find out they got a tournament goin' on. Do you mind <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> if I smoke? <b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> These are Cubans. (IN FAKE SPANISH) Maria, poquendo los scientos de estes con gleam. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> ha ha ha ha ha ha <b> </b> (The Sangers' house) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know of this is the house. I don't see Jerry's car anywhere. <b> </b><b> </b> (Susan smooches him) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Stop, would you quit it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe someone is going to see us here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> So what? You are SUCH a prude. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, I am not a prude sweetheart. I swing with the best of them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> Come on lets go in. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> Well we should at least tell them what happened. They might be very late if they make it at all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't go in there. I can't face the bubble boy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> What's the matter? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just don't react well to these situations. My grandmother died two months early because of the way I reacted in the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> hospital. She was getting' better. <b> </b> And then I went to pay her a visit. She say my face. BOOM. That was the end of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> We're goin' in. Come on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Susan, please... (grabs her) <b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> George. Stop. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would you wai,.. <b> </b> (Highway diner) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (ranting) Can't believe how a little thing like George going too fast - how my whole weekend is gone - the plans, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> packing, ... everything <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Your whole weekend? What about the bubble boy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why do you keep bringing up the bubble boy. You don't have to mention the BB? You don't have to mention the BB. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I know about the BB. I'm aware of the BB. Why do you keep reminding me about the BB? <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine stares at him and blows a bubble with bubble gum) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll have a cup of coffee and a turkey club. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> How about you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll just have a glass of water. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (whispers) You can't just have water. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why not? That's all I want. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well this is not like a park bench where you just come in and sit down. It's a business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Hold it a second. Don't you play on <b> TV? </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> YES! yes. You saw him on TV. <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> What's your name? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaaaiinne... <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Garry Seinfield! I saw him on the Tonight Show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right. Hey, wouldn't you like an autographed picture? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Oh, ha ha <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, I don't have anymore pictures Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's lying. They're in the trunk (takes car keys ) Now you get to sign another one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not lying. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, he is. (as she leaves) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She'll have a cup of copy and a broiled chicken. <b> </b><b> </b> (Sanger's house) <b> </b><b> MRS. SANGER </b> You see it's not really a bubble. A lot of people think it's an igloo. But it's really just a plastic <b> </b><b> </b> divider. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> and SUSANAOMI: (nod) <b> </b> (long pause) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can you uh, go in the bubble? <b> </b><b> MRS. SANGER </b> Well, you have to put so many things on because of the germs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MEL </b> The gloves, the mask, it's a whole production. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So then he makes his own bed? <b> </b><b> MRS. SANGER </b> well, that's one of the things we fight about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MEL </b> Would you like to meet him? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, well, you know,... <b> </b><b> MRS. SANGER </b> He loves games. Maybe you could play Trivial Pursuit with him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> HEY MA WHAT THE HELL DO I GOT TO DO </b><b> TO GET SOME FOOD AROUND HERE? I'M STARVIN'. </b><b> AND IF IT'S PEANUT BUTTER, </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHOVE IT IN YOUR FACE. </b> <b> </b><b> MRS. SANGER </b> (embarrassed) ha ha ha. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Highway Diner) <b> </b><b> </b> he he he One picture left in the truck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, THANKS! This is FUN! This turned out to be a GREAT weekend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where's my water? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it's comin'. - Here ya' go. <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Thanks. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Waddya' write? <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> "There is nothing's finer than being in your diner." <b> </b><b> </b> E, hu hu hu hu hu "There is nothing's finer than being in your diner."? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No good? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> THIS is what you came up with? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That is so lame. Jerry, people are going to be reading that for the next twenty years and laughing at you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah, you're right. Excuse me, excuse me. would you mind. I'd like to take the picture back. I'm not happy with what I wrote. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> It's good. I like it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, believe me it's not good. I'll mail you a new one with something really funny written on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Well, when you mail me a new one I'll send you back this one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, look, you don't understand. I, I want the picture. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> RIGHT! (leaves) <b> </b> (Donald's room) <b> </b><b> MRS. SANGER </b> This is Donald. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> DONALD </b> WHO ARE YOU? Where's Seinfeld? <b> </b><b> MRS. SANGER </b> He's on his way. These are his friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? NEVER SEEN </b><b> A KID IN A BUBBLE BEFORE? </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Course I have. Come on. My cousin's in a bubble. My friend Jeffrey's uh, sister, also ... you know ...bubble. I got a lot of bubble experience. Come on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> WHAT'S YOUR STORY? </b> <b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> I, I have no story. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She works for NBC. <b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> HOW 'BOUT TAKING YOUR TOP OFF? </b> <b> </b><b> MRS. SANGER </b> Donald, behave yourself. <b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> COME ON. </b> <b> </b><b> MRS. SANGER </b> I know. I know. Why don't you play a game of trivial Pursuit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you know we gotta been running because of the ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> WHAT? ARE YOU AFRAID? </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Humph, no, uh, it's just that ... <b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS. </b> <b> </b> (Highway Diner) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, I was nice enough to give you the picture. I don't like what I wrote. I don't want it up there. Now please just give it back to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> You are really startin' to get under my skin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I want that picture. <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Well, you can't have it! In fact maybe you better just pay your check and get out. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine digging into the roast chicken) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not paying for anything until I get that back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Well, you ain't getting' it back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, maybe I'll just take it back. (Hits picture) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This chicken is really good. <b> </b> (BB's room) <b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> OK, HISTORY. THIS IS FOR THE GAME. HOW </b><b> YA DOIN' OVER THERE? NOT TOO GOOD! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right BB. Let's just play... Who invaded Spain in the 8th century? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> THAT'S A JOKE. THE MOORS. </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, Noooo, I'm so sorry. It's the MOOPS. The correct answer is, The MOOPS. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> MOOPS? LET ME SEE THAT. THAT'S NOT MOOPS </b><b> YOU JERK, IT'S MOORS. IT'S A MISPRINT. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sorry the card says MOOPS. <b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> IT DOESN'T MATTER. I'S THE MOORS. THERE'S </b><b> NO MOOPS. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's MOOPS. <b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> MOORS. </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> MOOPS, </b> <b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> MOORS! </b> <b> </b> (The4 cabin) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, anybody home? <b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> What should we do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh, hold these (boxes of) pies. <b> </b> (Kramer falls in through open window) <b> </b> (Donald's room) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Help, someone. (BUBBLE BOY is strangling George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> THERE'S NO MOOPS. YOU IDIOT. </b> <b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> Stop it. Let go of him! <b> </b><b> MRS. SANGER </b> Donald, stop it! Now, let go of him Donald. Donald! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> I'M GOING TO KILL HIM. </b> <b> </b><b> MRS. SANGER </b> Donald, ... donald... <b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> MOORS. SAY MOORS! </b> <b> </b><b> MRS. SANGER </b> Donald, No. ... stop it .. <b> </b> (Susan bursts the bubble) <b> </b> (hissing sound and Donald's hands leave George's throat) <b> </b> (Highway Diner) <b> </b> (Waitress is strangling Jerry, cook is grabbing Jerry, Elaine is grabbing the cook) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? You're choking me. Elaine! <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Are you going to pay for that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I want the picture back. <b> </b> (angry guy enters) <b> </b><b> MAN #1 </b> Something's happened to the BB. They're rushing him to the hospital. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> What? (releases Jerry) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The BB? He lives around here? <b> </b><b> MAN #1 </b> That's his house right down the road. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN #2 </b> He got in a fight with some guy. <b> </b><b> GUY1 </b> What kind of person would hurt the BB? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN #2 </b> Some little bald guy from the city. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN #1 </b> Vern, Page, Preston, don't you think we ought to do somethin'? <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine and Jerry make their escape) <b> </b> (The cabin) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Naomi, come on let's get goin'. <b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> But that lake must be freezing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Nah, it's good for ya'. Retards the aging process. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> Ready to go swimming? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let's go. OK, <b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> ha ha ha ha ha <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The Sanger house) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, what happened to you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened to you? You were going like a hundred miles an hour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was not. The BUBBLE BOY was trying to kill me. Susan tell him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> It's a long story. <b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> HEY SEINFELD! </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Happy Birthday. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> THANKS FOR SHOWING UP. YOU KNOW YOUR </b><b> FRIEND HERE TRIED TO KILL ME. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, you lying little snot. And he's a cheater. Aren't ya' you little twerp? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> MOORS </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> MOOPS </b> <b> </b><b> DONALD </b><b> MOORS </b> <b> </b> (The towns people arrive) <b> </b><b> MAN #1 </b> There's the guy that tried to kill the BB. Get him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Go, go, get out, ... <b> </b> (our heroes run for it) <b> </b> (Jerry's car, sirens blasting) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fire engines? <b> </b> (George's car) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Must be a big one. <b> </b> (In the woods) <b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b> Do you smell something? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, smoke. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> yeah, (cough) Definite smoke. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Argh, look at the fire! (cough) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Holy cow! look at that! <b> </b><b> SUSANAOMI </b><b> IT'S MY FATHER'S CABIN! </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The CABIN is on fire! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just realized. Ya' never gave me back the change from the toll. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How could this have happened? <b> </b> (Kramer and Naomi arrive in bathing suits) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (singing) ... wild funky mountain man <b> ... </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> Oy, my god, the cabin? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you two doin' here? <b> </b><b> NAOMI </b> Look at that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You didn't (makes motion like lighting a cigar) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (runs to burning cabin) My Cubans! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Bubble Boy Script

1992-10-28

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE CHEEVER LETTERS </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry and George enter with some plastic bags) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She hasn't told her father yet? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. We're supposed to tell him tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "We're"? What do you mean, "We're"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Susan wants me to be there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're meetin' the father for the first time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Reluctantly) Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Chuckles slightly) Well, you'll make quite an impression on him when you tell him how you burned his cabin down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't burn it down - Kramer did! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Laughs) I mean, the whole thing is ironic. Think of it: Here the guy is nice enough to give you a box of very fine Cuban cigars.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I know what happened. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, but wait, wait: And then you dump them off onto Kramer.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Getting frustrated) I know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Continuing) ..Who, who proceeds to burn the man's cabin down with one of those very same cigars! (Topping off his observation) It's very comical.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Listen, maybe we shouldn't start writing today. I got a lot on my mind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Persisting) No, no, we put this off long enough. Today's the day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Letting his conscious get the best of him) I wonder how Susan's father's going to react to this. Alright, what- what's the worst he could do? So you burn <b> </b><b> </b> a cabin down.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Agreeing) C'mon. It's not even a house - it's, like, a cabin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We could build a cabin like (Snaps) that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Blunt) Well, maybe not us, but two men could. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Looking over the writing materials they just bought) Bics? What, d'ja get, bics? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, you got a problem with the pen now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I like a rolling writer. They're very smooth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, let's just get to work. (They both move into the living room - ready to start writing their script. Jerry sits down) NBC Pilot, Seinfeld project. Act I, <b> </b><b> </b> Scene A. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Still standing) So, you're gonna sit there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Wanting to get started) Just - just park yourself. (George reluctantly sits on the sofa) Alright. Act I, Scene A. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Offering) Drink? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no thank you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Uncapping his pen) Alright, here we go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Act I, Scene A.. <b> </b> (A long pause as they both attempt to start writing passes) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Weren't you supposed to call Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Eagerly reaching for the phone) Yes. (George turns the TV on, and begins watching as Jerry dials the number) Hi, is Elaine there? Oh, uh, Hi, Sandra. Uh, <b> </b><b> </b> yeah. I can hold. (To George) Every time I call I gotta chit-chat with her assistant for, like, twenty minutes. (Back into the phone) Oh, hi, Sandra. Listen, I'm at a pay <b> </b><b> </b> phone, and there's lots of people here waiting to use it. (Yelling out for believability) I'll be off in a minute! (To Sandra) Yeah, could you just put me through to <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine? Okay, thanks! (He turns to George) Are you thinking of ideas? (George, picking his teeth with his finger, is absorbed into the television. He seems to not <b> </b><b> </b> even notice Jerry) Listen, Elaine, is there any way I could get through to you directly? Every time I call Sandra bends my ear for, like, twenty minutes. (Pause) So <b> </b><b> </b> we're on for later? <b> </b> (Scene cuts to Elaine's office. She's waving a pencil around in her free hand) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I'll come by after work. Hey, I got a rubber pencil thing happenin' here.. (Sandra passes her doorway) Uh, I gotta go. I gotta go. (Hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Sandra! Sandra? Hi, can you come here for a second? <b> </b> (Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, let's go. (George shuts the television off, ready to work) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, here we go. You got it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Here we go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, how about this: I'm in my apartment, you come in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Holding out his arms - giving praise) It's beautiful. Now, what do I say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (A long pause, then the scene jumps back to Elaine and Sandra) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Could you do me a favor? Um, when my friends call, could you not talk to them for too long? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDRA </b> Why? Did Jerry say something? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no. <b> </b><b> SANDRA </b> He must have said something. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no, he didn't say anything. <b> </b><b> SANDRA </b> (Near tears) I can't work for you! I can't. I'm leaving. (Exits quickly) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Calling out to Sandra) No, Sandra. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I really am! Listen, listen, Jerry's under a lot of pressure right now. It's very hard being a <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> stand-up comedian! Sometimes they don't laugh! <b> </b> (Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George are sleeping. Kramer slams his apartment door shut, waking both of them up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, let's go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here we go. <b> </b> (Both get situated to write as Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> yeah, Kramer, we're, uh, kind of in the middle of something here. We're trying to do a little work.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, come on. (Kramer gives out a frustrated sigh) What's with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Complaining) No more golf. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you remember I told you about the pro, you know, at the Westchester Country Club, who's letting me play a round every time I give him a couple <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> of those Cuban cigars? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Angered) Yeah, well, I lost them all in the fire! (Leaning over the couch, he addresses George) Hey, George, maybe you can ask Susan's father for <b> </b><b> </b> more, huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you, Crazy? I can't ask the guy for more cigars after you burned down his cabin! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why? What's one thing got to do with another? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, please. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I can't go back to the public courses, now. I can't! I won't. I mean, you know what that's like? It's crowded, the grass has big brown patches in it, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> they don't rake the sand traps! Not to mention the caliber of people you have to play with! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, I can't help you. You're gonna have to get them some place else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Opening the door) Where? They're Cubans. (Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Getting up) You know what? Maybe I should take off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you know, I gotta go to, uh, Susan's parent's house for dinner.. and, you know, I want to shower first.. and I want to leave myself plenty of time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Looking at his watch) You got four hours! What about the script? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think we got a bite on it. (Exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (The Ross' house) <b> </b> (Susan, her parents, and George are all dining) <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> (To Mr. Ross) Doesn't George look like your sister, Sarah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> (Gruff) A slight resemblance. <b> </b> (George laughs slightly) <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> (To George) Her son's a podiatrist, you know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ohh, I have tremendous respect for people who work with feet. I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot - you're toiling in virtual anonymity. I mean.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Seeing the Ross' expression, he trails off) <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> How are you enjoying those cigars I gave you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, uh, the cigars.. (Chuckles nervously) I'm, uh, suckin' 'em down. I'm puffing my brains out, yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> You know those cigars are made special for Castro? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Impersonating Carson) I didn't not know that. Weird. Wild. (Susan and George both laugh) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> What? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (Explaining) He's doing Johnny Carson, daddy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> I didn't care much for his jokes. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (To George) Daddy never laughs. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, well, so what? Laughter - what is that? I mean, what is the point of opening your mouth and going "Ha, ha!"? What is that? "Ha, ha!"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> You know, you can't get those cigars anywhere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> You and your cigars.. <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> (Shooting back at his wife) Wear some more lipstick. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Daddy, there's, um, there's something that we have to talk to you about.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Oh, I forgot to ask you - how'd you like the cabin? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Even more nervous than before) Oh, the, uh, the cabin.. well, (Clears throat) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine are talking. Jerry's using a harsh tone) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right after we get off the phone, then you go and tell her that?! Well, of course she knows it was me who complained! Now I'm responsible for this <b> </b><b> </b> woman's quitting. Oh, this is unbelievable! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Full of guilt) I know! I screwed up. It's all my fault. Would you call her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Caving in) Ohh.. dial the number. (Elaine picks up the phone, and starts to dial) How could you do this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Handing the phone over to him) I was just trying to help you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Muttering) Oh, just trying to (Rudely grabs the phone from her) help me.. (Into the phone) Hello? Sandra? Hi, uh, this is Jerry Seinfeld. (Elaine now has her <b> </b><b> </b> hand in a bowl of popcorn - grabbing a fistful) Listen, I - I just want to tell you, (Jerry sternly grabs Elaine's hand - forcing her to drop the popcorn, then shoves her <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and she thought I was being sarcastic, you know, 'cause I'm a comedian and all. She thought I meant (Deeply sarcastic) "Yeah, it was a real treat talking to her on <b> </b><b> </b> the phone." (Back to normal) You know, but I was really being sincere.. No, of course I like you.. Tonight? ..Um, uh, hold on a second. (To Elaine, whispering) <b> </b><b> </b> Now she wants to have a drink with me. (Elaine mouths out "Just go" while making gestures. Jerry, again, gives in. Back on the phone) Yeah, I think I can.. Um.. <b> </b><b> </b> yeah, I know where that is.. Ok.. uh, I'll see you there. Okay, bye. (Hangs up, peeved) Now I gotta have a drink with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (The Ross' house) <b> </b> (Same diner party is going on. News of the cabin has yet to be discussed) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The cabin.. (Laughs nervously) Well.. (Pauses as he thinks of a way to break the news, then decides to pass it off) Susan? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Uhh.. about the cabin.. <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> (Cutting her off) I love that place. My father built that cabin in 1947. My mother was recuperating from Impetigo at the time, and dad thought it would <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> be a good idea to get her out into the fresh air. She died there the following winter. And he passed away 10 years later to the day. His last words to me were, (Mrs. <b> </b><b> </b> Ross, bored out of her mind, has obviously heard this story a million times - she mouths the words as Mr. Ross says them) "Cherish the cabin." Not, uh, "Take care <b> </b><b> </b> of your sister." (Adding) She's a paraplegic. But, "Cherish the cabin." (Smiling, reflecting) And I have.. for 45 years. It's often been a.. sanctuary for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Annoyingly butting in) Kinda like Superman's fortress of solitude. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> S, uh, Superman - he, uh, built the fortress of solitude up at the North Pole, to, uh, you know, sort of get away from it all.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> When I go, I'm passing it on to her. (Pointing at Susan) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> (Drunk, she laughs out loud) I'll take a hotel any day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Daddy.. <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Daddy, about the cabin.. <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> (Laughing, she points to her shirt) Look, Henry, I spilled wine on me! (Laughs again) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> (To Susan) What about it? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, the thing is.. <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> What? What is it? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Well, the - the cabin, is, kind of, uh.. George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Extremely blunt) Burned. <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Burned? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> There was a fire, and it uh.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Burned. <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> (Still trying to comprehend what has happened) The cabin burned? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Laughs) yeah, burned. Whoo.. <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> (Laughing out loud) Burned! (George laughs with her) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> Was anything found? Was it all burned to the ground?! Did they find anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (Solemn) No. Nothing. <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> (Laughing, she's obviously getting a kick out of her husband's misfortune) Nothing! Ha, ha, ha. <b> </b><b> </b> (Mr. Ross, devastated, slowly gets up and starts walking toward the room's exit as everyone continues to talk) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Eh, but, you know, Mr. Ross, if - if you look at the whole situating, what with it being your cigars, and everything, it's really rather ironic - one might even <b> </b><b> </b> say, in a sense, comical.. (Mr. Ross has, by now, left the room. Mrs. Ross is pointing at George, nodding, laughing. As if to say he hit the bullseye. George calls out <b> </b><b> </b> to Mr. Ross) Really. Think about it. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Sandra runs out of Jerry's room, hastily putting on her jacket. Jerry follow, buttoning his shirt) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDRA </b> (Offended) I can't believe you said that! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What?! <b> </b><b> SANDRA </b> (Buttoning her jacket) How could you say something like that to me?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? What?! You were the one who was talking dirty. I was just trying to keep up! <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDRA </b> That was a weird thing to say. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? It didn't mean anything. I was just trying to join in so you wouldn't feel embarrassed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDRA </b> Ohh, I think you're really sick. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Getting slightly offended) I'm not sick. (Pointing at her) You - you said much sicker things than me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDRA </b> I'm leaving. (Moves toward the door. Jerry blocks her path) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I really think you're making too much of this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDRA </b> (Attempting to get past him) Excuse me. (They both move to the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me walk you to a cab. <b> </b><b> SANDRA </b> (Opens the door) That's ok. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, the main thing is that this is just between us, and that'll be the end of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDRA </b> Oh, really? (Quickly walks out) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Calling after her) I mean, people - they're not interested in things like this. They don't want to hear about it. They really don't. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (The Coffee shop) <b> </b> (Jerry's telling George about last night) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, we're.. uhh, drinkin' and talkin', and uhh, so, she starts rubbing my leg. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wo-hoah! What did you do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) Have you ever told a woman to stop touching your leg? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, I know it's the wrong thing to do. She works in Elaine's office. I know it's wrong - but I can't get that hand off my leg. I mean, I'm looking at the <b> </b><b> </b> hand, and I'm thinking, "That hand should not be on my leg." But I can't make my brain to get my mouth to say the words, "Would you mind?!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, woman have no problem getting the hand off. How do they do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, they're working on a whole other level.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, so, go ahead. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So we go back to my apartment.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Expressing shock) Woah. Whoa! Woah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, we're, uh, foolin' around there.. you know, it's getting a little passionate.. (Scoots closer to George, to prevent others from hearing) and, uh, she starts <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> with the dirty talking. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Putting his hands up) Alright, alright, hold on! (Jerry has George's full attention) Time out! Woah, woah! (Scooting in, giddy) What did she say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Modest) Oh, you know, the usual.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I don't know. How do I know the usual? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Typical things. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Picking up the ketchup) What typical? Gimme typical. Gimme some typical. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She says, uh.. (Mumbles something inaudible. George, so shocked by what he's just heard, accidentally squeezes the ketchup bottle - ketchup squirts out <b> </b><b> </b> and files off-screen. George reacts deeply) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Breathing deeply) That's very dirty. (Jerry nods) That's absolutely filthy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..And then she starts talking about her panties. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Yelling out to a waitress) Gonna need some water here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I said something. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ok, what did you say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Defensively) Now, bear in mind, I am just trying to keep up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay? So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh.. So, I said, "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Takes a few seconds to mull this one over. Shooting Jerry a confused look, he repeats it) "The panties your mother laid out for you"? (Jerry nods) What <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> does that mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Throwing up his hands) I don't know! It just popped out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, how did she react? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She flipped out! Just left. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, that's not offensive. (Reflects) It's abnormal, but it's not offensive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, the main thing is I don't want Elaine to know about any of this. I mean, especially the panty remark. I mean, it's embarrassing. And she's never let me <b> </b><b> </b> hear the end of it. <b> </b> GEORGE; Well, what if this girl says something? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She will tell her. She's going back to work. I talked her into it - how stupid was that? (Changing subject as they both collect money to pay for the check) <b> </b><b> </b> Hey, so, Susan's father took that news pretty hard, huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah. He went into the bedroom and started sobbing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess he failed to see the humor in it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Huh. (Makes a "over his head" gesture with his arm) C'mon, let's go, go. We got a lot of work to do today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Getting up) Alright, big work day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's right. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry and George, with their writing materials, go to sit down in the living room while giving each other pep talks) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let's go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Here we are. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right now. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let's do it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You and me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What'dya got? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Reading from his notebook) I got: You enter, you go "Hi", and I go, "Hello." Now.. we need something here.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey. <b> </b> (Both George and Jerry get up, giving Kramer an excited greeting - talking fast, together) Oh, you guys are working? I'll come back. (Turns to leave. Jerry and <b> </b><b> </b> George strongly protest with a series of "No, no, no!"'s) No, you guys should get back to work. (More protests) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't be silly. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come in, we're taking a break. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Moving back into the room) Oh, yeah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, George, did you talk to that guy about getting me some more cigars? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Scoffs) No, I told you, I'm not gonna do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Concluding) Okay.. well, I guess I'm just going to have to take matters into my own hands, huh? (Pause) Alright, I'll see you guys. (Leaves, despite <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "No, don't go!" and other various comments by Jerry and George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building) <b> </b> (Kramer walks up to a secretary) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Buenos dias. <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> Buenos dias. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, habla ingles? <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> Si. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Giddy-up. Ok, uh, (Looks at a woman wearing dark sunglasses and sitting on a sofa behind him. He reacts oddly) Um. I need to talk to someone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> What is this about? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, well, It's a very private matter, but it's extremely urgent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> Are you an American? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> I see.. excuse me. (Picks up the phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry, curled up on his living room chair, and George, laid out on the sofa, are asleep. Jerry's buzzer goes off, waking them up. George rolls off the couch and falls <b> </b><b> </b> to the floor) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Stirring, he gets up to answer the buzzer) Alright, let's get going. C'mon, c'mon now. (Approaches the intercom) C'mon, let's get it together.. (Through <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> intercom) Yeah? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon up. (Slightly opens the door for Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Standing up, still waking up) Alright, you know what we should do? We should go to the movies. Get away from this script for a while.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Agreeing) Yeah, we should. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, I just have to go over to the Ross' apartment and drop off Susan's sunglasses. You'll come with me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Wha - what, does she live with them? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, no, no. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, nice going, Jerome Seinfeld! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I just got a message from Sandra, she's coming back to work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, then, you've just got to fire her! Don't even think about it - there's no two ways about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? What happened? Did you talk? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Talk? Did I talk? It - you're darn right I talk to her! We talked up a storm - and I concluded from the basis of these talks that this isn't anybody you should <b> </b><b> </b> be talking to. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? You really think I should fire her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah. Yeah, in fact, if George and I weren't so busy here working on the script, I'd do it myself. <b> </b><b> </b> (George, sitting out the couch, dozes off to sleep) <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building) <b> </b> (A group of men in suits walk out into the lobby to deal with Kramer) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> (To secretary) Expira te afuera. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Standing up, greeting the men) Buenos dias. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> What is your name, Senor? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, Kramer. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> So, Senor Kramer, what is this about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Leaning in, confidentially) Cigars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> (Confused) Cigars? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Definite) Cigars. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> What about cigars? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, see here, I.. (Pulls out a paper ring from his pocket) I saved one of the cigar rings.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Ohh.. (Laughs, pulling a cigar from his inner coat pocket) You mean - one of these.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Pointing at the cigar, incredibly nervous) Yeah, yeah. That- that's, uh, okay, So, uh, I'd like to buy a couple of boxes of those from you, yeah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> (Deeply sniffs the cigar's aroma) You do realize, of course, these are illegal in your country. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Um, wha - oh, illegal, huh? <b> </b> (The man is staring at Kramer's clothes, mesmerized. He reaches out to touch Kramer's legendary jacket) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> I like that jacket.. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (The Ross' apartment) <b> </b> (There's a knock at the door. Susan answers it - it's Jerry and George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hi! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi, how are ya? (They kiss) <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hey, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I thought you two guys were working today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, just - takin' a little break. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Chuckling) yeah. Uh, oh, here's your sunglasses. (Hands them to her) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Ok, thanks. Come on in for a second. (They move into the living room. Susan gestures to a man sitting on the couch reading the paper) This is my brother, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Ricky. He's home from college for the weekend. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ohh, hey there, young fella. (They shake hands) What's your major? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICKY </b> (Blunt) I don't have one. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you should always consider podiatry. (Patting Ricky on the shoulder) There's nothing wrong with the feet. (Ricky looks critically back at George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (Now gestures to an old woman in a wheelchair) And this is my Aunt, Sara. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SARA </b> (Staring at George) He doesn't look like me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Sara, what do you have on your wheels? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SARA </b> Nothing, they're clean. <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> Ricky, did you wipe her wheels off? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RICKY </b> (Annoyed) Yes. <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> (Concluding) Well, they're filthy. It's just a matter of common courtesy.. (Wheels Sara over to a spot off the rug) When you come in the house you <b> </b><b> </b> wipe your wheels. <b> </b> (Doorbell rings) <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Excuse me. (Answer the door. It's her doorman, Raymond, carrying a burnt box) Hello, Raymond. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RAYMOND </b> Ah, yes, the man from the insurance company dropped this off this morning. He said it was the only thing left from the remains of the fire. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (Accepts the box) Oh, thank you. (As the doorman leaves, she turns to Jerry and George) Wow, I've never seen this before.. (Opens the charred box) <b> </b><b> </b> Oh, they're letters. (Hands the box to George) Here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, sure. (Holds the box out as Susan takes out a few letters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> From.. (Trying to read one) from John Cheever. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY AND GEORGE </b> Oh, wow. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (Chuckles as she opens up one of the letters. She reads it) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my.. orgasm (She now has everyone's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> attention) has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work.. (Jerry and George make odd faces as Susan is still concentrating on the notes) I love <b> </b><b> </b> you madly, John. (Pause) P.S. Loved the cabin." (George nods, and Jerry gives a "Oh, of course" reaction) <b> </b><b> </b> (A long pause) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, we.. we, we, ah.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Looking at his watch ) Yeah.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We really should be, uh, heading out.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. (Tapping his watch) Look at the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, the time.. <b> </b> (Susan's father is now standing in the hallway) <b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> The box! (Rushes toward George, grabbing the box away from him, then the letters from Susan's hands) My letters! Gimme that! (Now holding them <b> </b><b> </b> against his chest, defensively) Who told you to open this?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> (Hysterical) Who's John?! Who's John?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SARA </b> (Yelling out) I knew it! <b> </b><b> MRS. ROSS </b> I want to know who John is! <b> </b><b> RICKEY </b> John Cheever?! Dad, you and John Cheever?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. ROSS </b> (Proclaiming) Yes! Yes, he was the most wonderful person I've ever known. And I love him deeply! In a way you could never understand.. (Slowly <b> </b><b> </b> walks back to his room, leaving everyone speechless. Susan seems to be affected the most. A long pause passes. Jerry gives George a signal that they should go) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, we really should be- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, heading out. Jerry really hates to miss the coming attractions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, and, (Pointing to his watch) because of the.. (Slowly exiting) time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> yeah, time is what he's indicating there.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Waving good bye) We'll see ya. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, anyway, (Waving bye to everyone) onward and upward. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry grabs George, leaving) <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry and George, once again, are sitting down in the living room, attempting to write) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, here we go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, let's go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on now. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right now. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Here we go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You and me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You got it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No foolin' <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ok, so, what'dya got? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Looking at his notebook) Alright, I got, uh, you come in, you say "Hi", and I say "Hello". <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, so, we need something.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah.. how about this: I say "How's it goin'?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "How's it going?" - beautiful. <b> </b> (They both start to write it down as a pounding on the door sounds) Oh, come on, we were just on a roll now.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Getting up to answer the door) Alright, did you get that line? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Nodding, writing) "How's it going?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you write it down? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm writin' it. "How's it going?" <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay.. (Opens the door to a frantic Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Real good! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you know how much money you cost me today?! 429 dollars! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What?! How? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I got Sandra transferred to another office upstairs, okay?! So, she blabs to Lippman about my long distance calls to Europe! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What calls?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh! I made a friend when I was in Europe, okay?! And we've been in touch, and Sandra told Lippman! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, did - did she say anything else to you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Confused) "Anything else"? What do you mean "anything else"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So she just left the office - didn't say a word to you about anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Smiling to himself) Beautiful. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why is that beautiful? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no, not beautiful. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's four hundred and twenty nine dollars! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, look, I'm going to pay for that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Taking out his checkbook) No, I insist. I was the one who encouraged you to fire her - the whole thing was all my- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Giving up too easy) Okay. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pauses, noting Elaine's quick accept) fault. (Starts to write a check out, then stops, looking at the door) Do you smell smoke? <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine opens the door to find Kramer and the 3 Cubans dressed up in golf wear, smoking cigars) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you to meet my new friends, here. (Introducing each one) This is, uh, Louis, Jorge, and Umberto. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, how you doing? Nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, we're heading up to Westchester - gonna hit the links. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. (Notices Louis' jacket) Isn't that, uh, your.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Trying to avoid the issue) Oh, yeah, yeah, Okay, we're going. (To his three friends) Vamanos, muchachos! <b> </b><b> </b> (They exit) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Turns to George, he is now reading a book) Hey, what are you reading? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, uh, "The Falconer" by John Cheever. It's really excellent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To Jerry) John Cheever, you ever read any of his stuff? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, yeah, I'm familiar with some of his writing. (George shoots Jerry a smirk, then returns to his book) Alright, (Hand the check to Elaine) look, we gotta <b> </b><b> </b> get back to work. We just had a big breakthrough here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Folding up the check) Ok, I'll leave you two alone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Moving back into the living room) Okay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (In the door way) Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties (Jerry pauses right before sitting in his chair) and they're - all laid <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> out for me. (Leaves, smiling to herself. Jerry and George both look at each other, frozen in their places) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Cheever Letters Script

1992-11-04

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE OPERA </b> Written by Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the <b> </b> same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like <b> </b> the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy. The tuxedo <b> </b> is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are <b> </b> undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one <b> </b> step over and she marries the next guy. That's why the wedding vow isn't 'do <b> </b> you take Bill Simpson', its 'do you take this man'. <b> </b><b> INSIDE JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (answering machine) leave a message and I'll call you back, thanks. <b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA </b> Jerry, Joe Divola. *Pbt* *Pbt* *Pbt* I have a hair on my <b> </b> tongue, I can't get it off, you know how much I hate that? Course you do, <b> </b> you put it there. I know what you said about me Seinfeld. I know you <b> </b> badmouthed me to the execs at NBC, put the kibosh on my deal. Now I'm gonna <b> </b> put the kibosh on you. You know I've kiboshed before, and I will kibosh <b> </b> again. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S APARTMENT. </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY ENTERS </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER ENTERS </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, what do you think? <b> JERRY </b> About what? <b> KRAMER </b> About the opera. <b> JERRY </b> Nah, I don't wanna go. <b> KRAMER </b> You gotta go. <b> JERRY </b> I-I-I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? <b> </b> You got something to say, say it! <b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, you don't understand, that's the way they talk in Italy, <b> </b> they sing to one another. Kramer starts to sing in bad Italian. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, all right. <b> KRAMER </b> That's the way it was, you know. You listen to the language, its <b> </b> got that sing songy quality. It's the language Jerry, the language <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So why don't they talk like that now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well its, uh, well its too hard to keep up, you know, they were <b> </b> tired. <b> </b><b> BUZZER </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Better get that <b> JERRY </b> Yeah? <b> ELAINE </b> (intercom) it's me! <b> JERRY </b> Come on up. <b> KRAMER </b> So, huh? <b> JERRY </b> I don't know <b> KRAMER </b> Oh come on Jerry, its opening night, black tie, Pagliacci! The <b> </b> great clown, the great sad tragic clown, like you. <b> JERRY </b> Well it's very flattering. How did you get these tickets, I heard <b> </b> they're impossible to get. <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, well I have many associates. <b> JERRY </b> I don't know, opera, it's not my kind of thing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, you not gonna go I'm not gonna go, I'm gonna call the <b> </b> whole thing off. <b> JERRY </b> No, wait a minute, wait a minute, that's not fair, what about <b> </b> George, Susan and Elaine, what do you need me for? <b> KRAMER </b> You're the nucleus, the straw that stirs the drink. You're the <b> </b> Miana! <b> JERRY </b> Well I guess if I'm the Miana I should go. All right, all right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE ENTERS </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi! <b> JERRY </b> Hi! <b> KRAMER </b> Hey! Hi Elaine! <b> ELAINE </b> You got the tickets right? <b> KRAMER </b> Well no, I don't have them on me. <b> ELAINE </b> What? That's why I came all the way over here. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My friends got 'em, I'm going to pick them up tomorrow. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I was gonna surprise Joey with them, you got an extra one <b> </b> right? <b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah! <b> JERRY </b> So I finally get to meet your pal Joey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Its killing you isn't it? <b> JERRY </b> Yeah, so Joey's a great lover of the opera <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Listen, I got news for ya, its nice to be involved with somebody <b> </b> who's interested in something other than nick at night. Now he's got a grip <b> </b> on reality, he's happy, he's well adjusted. <b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT </b> <b> </b> Opera music playing (Paliachi?) <b> </b> Divola is crying while lifting weights. Photos of Elaine are scattered on <b> </b> the floor. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S APARTMENT </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I'm looking forward to meeting him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've got to go <b> JERRY </b> Where are you going, what's the rush? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm going to surprise Joey, I've never been to his apartment so I'm <b> </b> just going to 'pop in' <b> JERRY </b> Oh, good, men love that! <b> </b> Kramer is reading Jerry's mail under the lamp. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! <b> KRAMER </b> You've got a message buddy. <b> JERRY </b> Ooo, could be from that blonde <b> KRAMER </b> Oo yiggity diggigg <b> JOE DIVOLA </b> (answering machine message)'Jerry, Joe Divola. I have a hair on <b> </b> my tongue' <b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT </b> <b> </b><b> DIVOLA HAS HIS HAND OVER A CANDLE AND IS LAUGHING </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY'S APARTMENT </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (shouting) Kramer what am I going to do did you hear that that guy's <b> </b> gonna put a kibosh on me he's crazy he's out of his mind.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Steady, steady, now calm yourself, come on, now get a hold of <b> </b> yourself, <b> JERRY </b> What the hell he's supposed to be on medication I don't understand <b> </b> he told me he's getting medication what happened to his medication!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> OK Quiet! Quiet! Now let me think! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm gonna call the cops. That's what I'm doing, I'm calling the <b> </b> cops. <b> KRAMER </b> The cops? What are you calling the cops for? They're not going to <b> </b> do anything! <b> JERRY </b> What do you mean they're not going to do anything, they're the cops, <b> </b> they gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you know what the <b> </b> kibosh means, its a kibosh! <b> KRAMER </b> Yiddigtkk ka kibosh. <b> JERRY </b> I mean it's a terrible mistake, I mean he thinks I ruined some deal <b> </b> of his at NBC, I don't know anything about any deal at NBC. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Call him and tell him <b> JERRY </b> That's what I'll do, I'll just call him and tell him, I'll tell him. <b> </b> That's all I'll do. He's a human being, I'll talk to him. He'll understand. <b> </b> Right? <b> KRAMER </b> Right.... Don't mention my name <b> JERRY </b> Oh, I got the machine. <b> KRAMER </b> What's his message like? <b> JERRY </b> Nice! <b> KRAMER </b> Eh! <b> JERRY </b> (into phone) Hello Joe, listen this is Jerry Seinfeld, I really think <b> </b><b> </b> there's been a huge colossal misunderstanding, <b> KRAMER </b> Big! Big! <b> JERRY </b> and I feel if we can just talk about this we can straighten the <b> </b> whole thing out, so listen, so call me back. Bye. <b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT </b> <b> </b> The door is open. Elaine knocks and then enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Joey? Joey? <b> </b> She sees a wall covered in photos of her. Joe Divola enters and shuts the front door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh god, oh, its you! You scared me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA </b> Good. Fear is our most primal emotion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You left your door open. <b> JOE DIVOLA </b> I know, I like to encourage intruders. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughs) What's all this? <b> JOE DIVOLA </b> Do you like it? My home is a shrine to you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where did you get all these pictures? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA </b> I took them myself with a telephoto lens. Coming out of your <b> </b> office, your apartment, shopping, showering. <b> ELAINE </b> Showering? <b> JOE DIVOLA </b> I developed them myself in my dark room. Would you like to see? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> In the dark room? Uh no, no thank you. Not right now. I'm a day <b> </b> person!... Are you all right? <b> JOE DIVOLA </b> Why <b> ELAINE </b> Well I don't know, you just don't seem yourself? <b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA </b> Who am I? Who am I supposed to be? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's a good question, good question, its very... exerstential! <b> </b> Who are you? Who am I? Yeah, well. <b> JOE DIVOLA </b> What are you doing here? <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, nothing, I just stopped by to chat, you know, shoot the breeze. <b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA </b> Were you able to get those opera tickets to Pagliacci from that <b> </b> friend of yours? I'm really looking forward to it. <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no, he couldn't get them. We're not going. <b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA </b> Really? <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, dammit, you know I just remembered I gotta go, I left something <b> </b> on, the gas, the lights, the water in the tub. Something is on somewhere so <b> </b> I'm just gonna get the uh.. <b> </b> Divola is blocking the door with his head. <b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA </b> You know the story of Pagliacci, Nedda? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh.. I'm Elaine! <b> JOE DIVOLA </b> He's a clown whose wife is unfaithful to him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> JOE DIVOLA </b> Do you think I'm a clown, Nedda? <b> ELAINE </b> Do I think you're a clown? No, not if it's bad to be a clown, if <b> </b> it's bad to be a clown then you are definitely not a clown. But if its good <b> </b> to be a clown then, you know, I would have to rethink the whole thing. <b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA </b> You've betrayed me with another, haven't you, Nedda? Who is he. <b> </b> I want you to tell me who he is. I want his name. Tell me his name. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, like any man would ever look at me, come on, I'm gonna... get <b> </b> out of here. <b> </b> Divola blocks the door when Elaine tries to leave. <b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA </b> Pagliacci kills his wife. <b> ELAINE </b> Se, now that's terrible, that is not a nice thing to do at all, I <b> </b> don't know how this Paliachi thing turns out but you know I would assume <b> </b> that there is big big trouble for that clown <b> JOE DIVOLA </b> You're not leaving <b> </b> Elaine sprays Divola in the eyes and he falls on his back. Elaine leaves. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY'S APARTMENT. </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (on phone) But officer, he threatened me! I don't understand, that's <b> </b> not right! What if it was the President of the United States I bet you'd <b> </b> investigate. So what's the difference, I'm a comedian of the United States, <b> </b> and I'll tell you I'm under just as much pressure. Alright, thanks anyway, <b> </b> ok bye. <b> </b> Knock at door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (cautiously) Who is it? <b> GEORGE </b> It's George. <b> </b> George enters wearing a very small tuxedo. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, are you locking the door now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, well, look at you. It's a little skimpy there isn't it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I <b> </b> made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding. <b> JERRY </b> Ooo, that was a bad toast. <b> GEORGE </b> It wasn't that bad. <b> JERRY </b> I never heard anybody curse in a toast. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was trying to loosen 'em up a little bit. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There were old people there, all the relatives. You were like a Red <b> </b> Fox record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were <b> </b> just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the <b> </b> worst all time toasts. <b> GEORGE </b> Alright, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that, he <b> </b> could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock! Susan's not <b> </b> going tonight you know. <b> JERRY </b> What do you mean not going? why not? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, she said she had to pick up a friend of hers at the <b> </b> airport. It cost me a hundred dollars this ticket. <b> JERRY </b> Why doesn't she pay for hers? <b> GEORGE </b> That's a very good question. You know she and I go out for dinner, <b> </b> she doesn't even reach for the check. That's all I'm asking for is a reach. <b> </b> Is that so much to ask for? <b> JERRY </b> It's nice to get a reach. <b> </b> Loud thump is heard from the front door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who is it? <b> KRAMER </b> It's me! <b> </b> Kramer is on the floor <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, are you locking the door now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because of Divola! Get in here... How come you're not dressed? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I am dressed. <b> JERRY </b> You're going like this? <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Hey I want you to hear something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you said people dress up when they go to the opera! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> People do, I don't. <b> JERRY </b> Well what about me! If you're going like that, I'm not going like <b> </b> this. <b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute, wait a minute, do you think I'm comfortable here. I <b> </b> can't change, I've got no clothes here! You've got to go like that, I can't <b> </b> go like this alone! <b> JERRY </b> Why should I be uncomfortable just because my apartment is closer to <b> </b> town hall than yours? <b> GEORGE </b> That's not the issue, we're friends, if I've got to be <b> </b> uncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable too! <b> JERRY </b> All right, all right, I'll wear this. It's bad enough I've got to go <b> </b> to the opera I've got to sit next to ozzie nelson over here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer is playing opera music <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Would you turn that down! What is that crap! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's Pagliacci! <b> JERRY </b> Oh beautiful. Listen, we've got a little problem here, we've got two <b> </b> extra tickets. <b> KRAMER </b> Why? What happened? <b> JERRY </b> Well Susan isn't going and Elaine just left me a message her friend <b> </b> isn't going either. <b> KRAMER </b> That's fantastic! We'll scalp the tickets, we'll make maybe five <b> </b> hundred a ticket. <b> GEORGE </b> What? Really? <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> GEORGE </b> People are looking for tickets here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, are you kidding? Opening night Pavarotti and Pagliacci. Ha, <b> </b> we're gonna clean up! <b> GEORGE </b> Oh man! I knew I was gonna love the opera. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah right. <b> KRAMER </b> OK come on, let's go get the tickets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, all right. <b> JERRY </b> All right, you guys listen, I've got to wait here for Elaine, I'll <b> </b> meet you in front of the theatre. <b> GEORGE </b> Oh, wait, isn't scalping illegal? <b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah! <b> </b> Kramer and George leave. <b> </b><b> INSIDE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT </b> <b> </b> Opera music is playing, Joe Divola is putting on white clown make up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> END OF ACT 1 </b> <b> </b><b> OUTSIDE THE THEATRE. </b> <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine are waiting. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Cherry Binaca, it's new. <b> JERRY </b> See, I don't get that. First they come out with the regular, then a <b> </b> year later they come out with the cherry. They know that we like the cherry, <b> </b> start with cherry! Then come out with the regular! <b> ELAINE </b> It's like I didn't even know him. He's like a totally different <b> </b> person. <b> JERRY </b> Well you should hear the message from my nut. Where's George and <b> </b> Kramer, I want to get inside already, I don't like standing out here, I feel <b> </b> very vulnerable. <b> </b> Jerry drops a coin that he was tossing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, hey, what are you doing, that's my quarter. <b> </b><b> MAN#! </b> No it's not, it's mine. <b> JERRY </b> I was just flipping it, it's mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN#! </b> No, I dropped it, it's mine. <b> JERRY </b> All right, do you want the quarter, take the quarter, but don't try <b> </b> and tell me it's yours. <b> MAN#! </b> Well it is mine. <b> JERRY </b> What, do you think I care about the money? Is that what you think? <b> </b> You want me to show you what I care about money? Here look, here look at <b> </b> this, here's a dollar here look, there, that's how much I care about money. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry tears up the dollar. <b> </b><b> MAN#! </b> You think I care about money, that's how much I care about money, I <b> </b> don't care about money. <b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, well why don't you Just get lost. <b> </b><b> MAN#! </b> Why don't you get lost. <b> JERRY </b> Because I was standing here, that's why. <b> </b><b> MAN#! </b> Oh Yeah? <b> JERRY </b> Yeah! <b> </b> The man walks away. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I kinda like this opera crowd, I feel tough... Anybody else got a <b> </b> problem? <b> </b><b> IN THE PARK </b> <b> </b> Joe Divola, dressed up in a clown suit is walking through the park. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PARK GUY#1 </b> Hey clown! <b> PARK GUY#2 </b> hey clown! <b> PARK GUY#1 </b> Make us laugh, clown! <b> PARK GUY#2 </b> Nice face, clown! <b> PARK GUY#2 </b> Make me laugh, clown! <b> </b> Divola kicks them all to the ground. <b> </b><b> ALLEYWAY </b> <b> </b> Kramer and George are trying to sell the tickets. <b> KRAMER </b> I got two, I got two huh, Paliachi, who needs two, Pagliacci, come <b> </b> on, the great tragic clown, come on, check it out, he laughs, he cries, he <b> </b> sings, Pagliacci. Hey, I got two beauties right here, check it out all <b> </b> right. <b> MAN#2 </b> Hey, hey. Are you selling. <b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, I'm selling. <b> MAN#2 </b> Where are they? <b> KRAMER </b> Orchestra, Row G, dead center, primo! You'll think you died and <b> </b> went to heaven. <b> MAN#2 </b> What do you want for them. <b> KRAMER </b> All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. Cause you look like a nice <b> </b> guy, a thousand dollars for the duce. <b> MAN#2 </b> I'll give you five hundred for the pair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ok, it's a deal! <b> KRAMER </b> Pzzzt. No. <b> GEORGE </b> No? Are you crazy? <b> KRAMER </b> Look, let me handle this. <b> GEORGE </b> Five hundred dollars, that's a great deal! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're blowing this, the guys a pigeon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The man walks away <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you see that? The guy's walking away. What is wrong with you? <b> </b> That was a three hundred dollar profit. <b> KRAMER </b> Look, I know what I'm doing here George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is not a Metallica concert, it's an opera alright, a little <b> </b> dignity, a little class, just give me my ticket, I will stand over here and <b> </b> sell it. <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. <b> GEORGE </b> Thank you very much. You just stand over there, I'll stand over <b> </b> here. <b> KRAMER </b> I know where I'm standing. <b> GEORGE </b> Alright. <b> KRAMER </b> Hey! <b> GEORGE </b> (shouting) Get your Paliachi! <b> </b><b> OUTSIDE THEATRE </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where are they already? <b> ELAINE </b> I guarantee they don't sell either one of those tickets. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, look, there's Bobby Eighteen's father-in-law, Mr Reichman. <b> </b> George and I were just talking about that today, I can't believe it! That's <b> </b> the guy who threw George out of the wedding. <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah, when George made that bad toast! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you remember the curse toast? <b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah, the curse toast. <b> JERRY </b> So, can you believe that message? Now I've got to spend the rest of <b> </b> my life looking over my shoulder. <b> ELAINE </b> Me too <b> JERRY </b> Crazy Joe Divola <b> ELAINE </b> How do you know his name? <b> JERRY </b> What do you mean? Why wouldn't I know his name? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I never told you his name. <b> JERRY </b> I never told you his name. <b> ELAINE </b> Wait a second, who are we talking about here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Joe Divola. <b> ELAINE </b> Right, Joe Divola <b> JERRY </b> How do you know his name? <b> ELAINE </b> I've been out with him three times, I should know the mans name. <b> </b><b> </b> They click <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my god, its Joe Divola <b> ELAINE </b> Is he stalking you? are you kidding me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That madman is trying to kill me. <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Jerry, why didn't you tell me his name! Oh my god, he accused <b> </b> me of seeing someone else, he said tell me his name, he said tell me his <b> </b> name!! <b> JERRY </b> Oh! He said that! Can you imagine what he'll do if he sees me with <b> </b> you! He'll think I'm the one who ruined his deal at NBC and took away his <b> </b> girl, he'll put a kibosh on me! <b> ELAINE </b> Oooohh, what about me! <b> </b> Divola walks up to them, dressed in the clown suit. <b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA </b> Excuse me <b> ELAINE&amp;JERRY </b> Aaahhhhh!! <b> </b><b> ALLEYWAY </b> <b> </b> George still hasn't sold the ticket. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But this is Pavarotti! <b> MAN#3 </b> Three hundred dollars, that's a lot of money. <b> </b><b> </b> Mr &amp; Mrs Reichman are walking through the alley <b> </b><b> MR REICHMAN </b> You know Steven Holstman (?) did a production at Tunis last <b> </b> yeas and from what I understand, the Moslems really took to it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, I'll tell you what, you seem like a nice guy, let's stop <b> </b> jerking around. Give me.. two hundred and fifty dollars, I've got people <b> </b> waiting for me, I've got to get the hell out of here. <b> MR REICHMAN </b> Scalping! I told them to put out extra security.. Excuse me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey pop, would you buzz off, I've got something cooking. <b> </b><b> MR REICHMAN </b> Costanza!? <b> GEORGE </b> Mr Reichman? <b> MR REICHMAN </b> You've still got a mouth like a surd give me those tickets. <b> </b><b> MRS REICHMAN </b> Harold, no, Harold, Harold be careful of you're hair <b> </b> transplant! <b> </b><b> OUTSIDE THE THEATRE </b> <b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA </b> Anything is welcome, I accept change. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't have anything, I gave it to that guy. <b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA </b> You know, you could just say no, you don't have to humiliate <b> </b> me. I may be dressed as a clown but I am a person. <b> JERRY </b> I'm telling you, the guy took..... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA </b> And I don't need people like you looking down their noses at <b> </b> me. I am just a street performer out here trying to make enough to get by. <b> </b><b> </b> Mrs Reichman runs past <b> </b><b> MRS REICHMAN </b> Doctor! Doctor! Is there a doctor anywhere! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA </b> What, are you showing off to your girlfriend here, is that it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm not his girlfriend. We dated for a while, but things didn't <b> </b> really work out. <b> JOE DIVOLA </b> You people make me sick. <b> JERRY </b> That is one angry clown! <b> </b><b> COMEDY CLUB </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that <b> </b> you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?", "I'm not <b> </b> working with that clown, did you hire that clown?", "The guy's a clown!". <b> </b> How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that you want to <b> </b> be a clown, I guess you get to a point where you're pants look so bad, it's <b> </b> actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations done. <b> </b> Because if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus around them, <b> </b> is really just a very annoying person. You're in the back seat of this guys <b> </b> Volkswagen, "What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh man!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> END OF ACT 2 </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Singing) Camera, curtains, lights - This is it, we'll hit the <b> </b> heights - Oh what heights we'll hit - On with the show this is it! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, it is so sad, all your knowledge of high culture comes <b> </b> from bugs bunny cartoons. <b> JERRY </b> Oh there's that clown again, what does he want from me. Look I'm <b> </b> serious, I'm not kidding, I don't have the quarter, that guy took it. <b> </b><b> JOE DIVOLA </b> I don't want any money. <b> ELAINE </b> I smell cherry. <b> JOE DIVOLA </b> It's Binaca. <b> JERRY </b> Binaca? <b> </b> They see the real clown singing and realize that they are talking to Crazy <b> </b> Joe. They run away. <b> </b><b> ALLEYWAY </b> <b> </b> George is finalizing the deal. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What did we say? Two seventy-five? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN#3 </b> Two fifty. <b> GEORGE </b> Two fifty? Are you sure <b> MAN#3 </b> Yeah, yeah, I'm sure. <b> GEORGE </b> All right, all right, two fifty. <b> SUSAN </b> George! <b> GEORGE </b> S-Susan <b> SUSAN </b> I can't believe it, I'm so glad I caught you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you doing here, I though you were going to the airport. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, there was some problem with the plane, they landed in <b> </b> Philadelphia. <b> GEORGE </b> So what, they don't have another plane? She couldn't take a bus? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> She's coming in tomorrow. I made it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah you made it, how about that. <b> SUSAN </b> Oh, I'm so excited, now we get to see the opera together. <b> </b><b> </b> George gives the man the ticket and takes the money. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We get to go to the opera together! <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Who's that? <b> GEORGE </b> That's-that's-Harry Fong, he's a very good friend of mine and he's <b> </b> a big opera buff. Enjoy the show there harry!... You know what. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ENTRANCE TO THEATER. </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on, you gotta let us in <b> USHER </b> Not without tickets. <b> JERRY </b> We have tickets, we just don't have 'em with us. <b> </b><b> USHER </b> Well that's a problem. Excuse me. <b> JERRY </b> You don't understand, someone's after us, a crazy clown is trying to <b> </b> kill us. <b> USHER </b> A crazy clown is after you? Oh that's rich. Now clear the entrance so <b> </b> people with tickets can get through. <b> </b> Kramer slides in. <b> </b><b> JERRY&amp;ELAINE </b> We're with him, we're with him. <b> KRAMER </b> Are you guys ready? <b> JERRY&amp;ELAINE </b> Yeah, Yeah!! <b> KRAMER </b> Have you seen George? <b> JERRY </b> We thought he was with you. <b> ELAINE </b> Come on, he's on his own, come on! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SITTING IN THE THEATER </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> These are great seats huh? <b> ELAINE </b> Yeah <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah <b> JERRY </b> Boy, some cast, huh? Pavarotti, Aver Martone. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aver Martone. I've heard of her, who's she playing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's playing, Pagliacci's wife, Nedda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nedda? <b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> ELAINE </b> Oh my god.. <b> </b> Man #3 enters and shuffles to his seat. <b> </b><b> MAN#3 </b> Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. <b> </b> Susan comes in from the other side. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Susan! What are you doing here? <b> SUSAN </b> My Friend's flight couldn't make it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where's George? <b> MAN#3 </b> I got his ticket. <b> SUSAN </b> He decided not to come. He said he was uncomfortable. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uncomfortable? How does you think I feel?.. Hey let me ask you <b> </b> something, how much did you pay for that ticket? <b> MAN#3 </b> One seventy-five. <b> JERRY </b> Kramer, who'd you sell your ticket to? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Some nut in a clown suit! <b> </b> The show starts, everyone claps except Elaine and Jerry who look very <b> </b> frightened. <b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I had some friends drag me to an opera recently, you know how <b> </b> they've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really need <b> </b> binoculars, I mean how big do these people have to get before you can spot <b> </b> 'em. These opera kids they're going two-fifty, two-eighty, three-twenty-five, they're wearing big white woolly vests, the women have <b> </b> like the breastplates, the bullet hats with the horn coming out. If you <b> </b> can't pick these people out, forget opera, think about optometry, maybe that's more you're thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Opera Script

1992-11-11

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE VIRGIN </b> Written by Peter Mehlman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and George talking near a bar.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're dead. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We're not dead. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We are dead. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on. We got all day tomorrow to come up with a story. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All day tomorrow? We had a month and a half to come up with something and we didn't do anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So we'll do it tomorrow. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me ask you something. When's the last time you went skiing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> About six years ago. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think you can take the lift ticket off your jacket now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Women like skiers. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what? You can't meet anybody. You're going on with Susan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, see those two women over there? I almost dated the one on the right. She's in the closet business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The closet business? What's the closet business? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is it your business? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm interested. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She reorganizes your closet and shows you how to maximize your closet space. She looked into my closet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you thought she was good looking and figured this would be a good way to meet her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. So what happened? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, she mentioned she had a boyfriend and then it hit me. What do I need more closet space for? (Across the room) Hi, Marla. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> (Walks over to Jerry and George) Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, Marla. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Marla. <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> George. Jerry, Stacey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stacey. <b> </b><b> STACEY </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, Stacey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Stacey. <b> </b><b> STACEY </b> George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry. Marla. (Realizing Jerry's cue) Stacey! (Walks over to Stacey) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> So, how was your trip to Berlin? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Trip to Berlin? <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Remember? That's why you put off doing the closets. You said you were going to Berlin for a while. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, right, right. <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> The wall had just come down, and you told me you wanted to be part of the celebration. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, yes, I did. But, you know, I was watching it on CNN, and they covered it so well I thought, "Why knock my brains out?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> You, know my boyfriend went. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Yes, I told him all about you going and he got all excited and decided to go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, did he like it? <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> I don't know. He never came back. (Over to the other side of the bar) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Anyway, we met with NBC about a month ago and they gave us the green light to go ahead and write a pilot. In fact, we got a big meeting with them tomorrow. They gotta approve of the story before we can write. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STACEY </b> Wow, what a great job. A writer. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not a bad way to make a buck. <b> </b><b> STACEY </b> Sounds great. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'll tell you, Stacey. It's a lot of hard work. But, it comes fairly easy to me. Some people write symphonies. This is my gift. (Raises ski lift ticket while Stacey looks away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, are you gonna go out with her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I might. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about Susan? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? I'm not married. I'm not allowed to go out with somebody else? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Depends. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Depends on what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> On many factors. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Like what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, how long you've been seeing her. What's your phone call frequency? Are you on a daily? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. Semi-daily. Four or five times a week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about Saturday nights? Do you have to ask her out, or is a date implied? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Implied. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She got anything in your medicine cabinet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There might be some moisturizer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah hah. Let me ask you this. Is there any tampax in your house? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Pause) Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'll tell you what you've got here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got yourself a girlfriend. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, no, no. Are you sure? A girlfriend? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily with tampax in his house and an implied date on Saturday night. I would like to help you out, but... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would you believe my luck? The first time in my life I have a good answer to the question, "What do you do?" and I have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't need a girlfriend when you can answer that question. That's what you say in order to get girlfriends. Once you can get a girlfriend, you don't want a girlfriend, you just want more girlfriends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're going to make a good father someday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well it's not fair, Jerry. It's just not fair. All right, all right. That's it. I'm getting out of this thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fine. Break up with her. But you know what this means? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The script, the pilot, the TV show. That's all over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? What do you mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Figure it out. She's one of the executives at NBC that's gonna make the decision whether or not they pick up the show. She's one of our biggest fans. You drop her off, you think they're gonna pick us up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, right. Oh no, man. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> you know, it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can get you girls. But, you also have a relationship. But if you try and get rid of the relationship so you can get the girls, you lose the job. You see the irony? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah. I see the irony. All right. What about this? What if I can find some way to break up with her so that she'll still like me and it doesn't affect the deal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sarcastically) Oh, yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait, wait. Here me out. Don't dismiss this. You're very quick to dismiss. Don't dismiss. She's got a big crush on David Letterman, I mean, a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC; I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out, they fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is your plan? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no. I'm just thinking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think you are. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Let me tell you what I think. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Please, and be brutal. I have no closet sensitivity. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Are you very fussy about your pants? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think I am. <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Because I have a very radical idea. Can you handle it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Try me. <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Here's what I'm proposing. We eliminate all this. The hangers, the bar, the shelves. And in its place install a series of hooks. We'll put everything on hooks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Everything? <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Everything. The shirts, pants, sport jackets, pajamas. We could get eighty hooks on here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're quite mad, you know. (Kramer enters) Oh, I don't believe this. (Goes into other room) Hey? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm watching The Bold and the Beautiful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is not a good time. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Five minutes. What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you have to give your TV away to George for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because I've been watching too much. It was an addiction. I couldn't stop. It was, it was destroying my brain cells. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but now you're in here all the time. (Marla enters from other room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, wow. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Marla, Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you go out? It's nice out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, no. There's nothing out there for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's weather. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Weather? I don't need weather. Weather doesn't do it for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm tellin' George to give you your TV back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, I don't want it back. (Pause) Are you gonna watch the Knick game tonight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Will you tape it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer... (points to Marla) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. (He exits) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So your boyfriend never came back from Berlin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Never came back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you must have been devastated being left for a wall. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> It was about to end anyway. There was this... problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah hah. (Buzzer) Excuse me one second. Yeah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. Oh, it's Elaine, she's just a friend of mine. I don't know what she's doing here now. (Buzzer) I'm sorry. What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I didn't get it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ugh. So you were saying there was this problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Well, he wanted me to move in with him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Snapple? <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> No thanks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Go on. <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Well I wouldn't move in because... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Well because... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Well because I'm a virgin. (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, um. Marla, Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company. I just wanted to return your tape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, thanks a lot, two weeks late. Now that costs me thirty-five dollars to see Havana. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sorry, I really am. I just kept forgetting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> I should be going. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, I'm leaving. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I like that thing in your hair there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah? This woman was selling them at this crazy party I was at last night. You'll appreciate this. Snapple? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> No thanks. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa. And my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, ahh! Staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so. I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm, who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right? (Sips the Snapple) Ahh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> I should be going. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So we'll talk about the hooks then? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Yes. (She exits) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Was it something I said? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's a virgin, she just told me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well I didn't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well it's not like spotting a toupee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well you think I should say something? Should I say something? Should I apologize? Was I being anti-virgin? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, I mean... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 'Cause I'm not anti-virgin. I'll be right back. (She leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, Elaine... (Buzzer) Yeah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's a virgin? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A virgin. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wow. So what're you gonna do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. I'm very attracted to her. That accent, it's so sexy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't think I could do it. You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You need a little pioneer spirit. You know, you don't have any of that Lewis and Clark in you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, sometimes those guys don't make it back. (Looks in fridge) I'm really hungry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, me too. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We gotta get something. I don't want to go to that meeting on an empty stomach. Let's get some Chinese. You wanna order it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, but then we gotta get some work done. Let me just call Kramer, see if want anything. (Calls) Hey, we ordering Chinese food. If you want anything-- (Kramer enters quickly) let me know what it is and I'll order for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm in. Let's go for it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you want? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't care, whatever. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll tell you what. Why don't we just get a couple of dishes and we'll just share 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay. What are you getting? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm gonna get a Chow Fung. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's a Chow Fung? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a broad noodle. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What do you mean, a broad noodle? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a big flat noodle. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I don't want a big flat noodle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What kind of noodle do you want? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Who says I want a noodle? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, look. I'm getting the Chow Fung. You don't have to have any. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right. I'll get pea pods and you can't have any of my pea pods. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fine. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Get extra MSG. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look, Marla. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here's the one thing you've gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality it's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> So they just leave? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Well, the smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner. How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow. What is about being up early? They all turn into farmers suddenly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Wow. It must be pretty good to put up with all that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Eh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, let's go. We don't have much time before the meeting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where's the food? What happened to Ping? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't worry, he'll be here. Look, we only got about two hours. We just need to come up with one good story so we can get through this meeting. (Buzzer) There's your food. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, what about this? I'm in a car accident. The motorist is uninsured, you with me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My car's totaled. It's all his fault and now, he has absolutely no money. There is no way that he can pay me. So the judge decrees that he becomes my butler. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your butler? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right. He cooks my food, he cleans my house, he does all my shopping for me. And there you go, that's your program. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about me? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't worry, we'll find something for you. (Knock of Jerry's door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Getting the door) That's the stupidest idea I ever heard. Sentenced to be a butler. (Elaine, Marla, and an injured Ping are at the door) Ping, what happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There was a bit of an accident. <b> </b><b> PING </b> Head hurts. Head really hurts. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Marla and I went out for coffee and afterwards I was crossing the street and he was biking right towards me. So I got out of the way just in time, but then he ran into a parked car. He hit his head and everything went flying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Something happened to the food? <b> </b><b> PING </b> I only saved one bag. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Should I call an ambulance? Do you wanna see a doctor? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> I'll get some ice. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (After looking in the bag) The pea pods? All you saved was the pea pods? (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, you got the food? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, here. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What took you so long? Hey, Ping! <b> </b><b> PING </b> Kramer. (Kramer and George sit on the couch) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Where's yours? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He dropped it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, that's too bad. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You should slow down, you know that? It's dangerous to go that fast. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PING </b> No, no. I have green light. You jaywalked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To Jerry) Hey, you watchin' Oprah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To Ping) I did not jaywalk. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To George) You're givin' him back that <b> TV. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PING </b> (To Elaine) Yes, you jaywalked. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To Jerry) No, I don't want it back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PING </b> (To Elaine) Jaywalker. I could slap suit on you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Jerry) We got work to do. What about the meeting? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To himself) Hey, look. An hour with Patrick Swayze. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A month and a half we had. We did nothing. I can't believe we put it off until today and then we couldn't do anything because Elaine runs out to apologize to a virgin, crosses against a light, and knocks over a Chinese delivery boy. Now we're gonna make fools of ourselves, we got nothing. You're not even in show business. I gotta reputation. You drag me into the sewer with you. I've been on TV buddy boy. You know how fast word spreads in show business? It's like that (Snaps in George's face) , like that! One bad impression, you're outta the business! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, let's postpone it. Let's get out of here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean? They know we're here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll fake an illness. (Acts it out) My back! My back! I can't believe, my back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, would you get up? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can do this, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, I'll tell them my sister died. (Starts fake crying) My poor sister died. She was standing and then she was laughing and then they SHOT her! That's the kind of sick city that we're livin' in. They shoot you for laughing. I must go and comfort my poor family. Jerry, take me home so I can comfort my... my poor family. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's David Letterman. I just saw David Letterman walk by. I'll be right back. (He exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Mr. Seinfeld, they're ready for you. (She exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon to his star. (Jerry enters meeting) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN #1 </b> Hey, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, how are you doing? Nice to see you all here. Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RITA </b> Hello, Jerry. I'm Rita Kearson. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, uh, nice to meet you. Where's Russell? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RITA </b> He, uh, had to go to LA. There's a problem on the set of Blossom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, poor Blossom. (He sits) <b> </b><b> RITA </b> Anyway, he asked me to sit in for him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN #2 </b> Where's George? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, he ran to say something to David Letterman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> David Letterman's on the floor? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, he just walked by. <b> </b><b> RITA </b> Well, I think we should get started anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, good idea. <b> </b><b> RITA </b> So how are you guys comin' along? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good, good, we've got a lot of ideas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RITA </b> Good. (Pause) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have you ever been to a Chinese restaurant and they tell you it'll be, like, five minutes for a table and you wind up waitin' there for, like, thirty minutes? Well, we thought it would be very funny to do an entire show where all you're doin' is waitin' for the table. (They don't seem to like it) Because we've all been in that situation. You know, you're waiting... and you're hungry... and you bump into somebody you know... When is Russell coming back? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RITA </b> So that's the idea? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well no, that's one. We have many others. We have an idea where, uh, I get into an accident with a guy who has no insurance and the judge sentences him to be my butler. (Everyone laughs) You know he cooks for me, he has to cook for me... He cleans my house, he's doin' my shopping, you know? I'm walkin' around with one of those big neck collars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN #2 </b> Those collars are funny! <b> </b><b> MAN #1 </b> Once you see someone in those collars you start laughing immediately. (George enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You tellin' 'em about the butler story? Is that beautiful or what? Hey, sorry I'm late. (Looks at Rita) Russell? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RITA </b> I'm Rita Kearson. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, Rita. Hey, Mr. Shermack, how're you doing, good to see you. Jay, always a pleasure. (To Susan) Sweetie. (Kisses her and then sits down next to Jerry) Yeah, yeah, that butler idea, that's beautiful. Isn't that killer? (Aside to Jerry) I thought I was getting the butler. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't worry, uh, we'll find something for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So Letterman didn't spark to your idea, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, he said there was nothing he could do, and next time I should probably break the Prozacs in half. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You, you guys wanna hold it down? I'm watchin' Jeopardy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Would you give him the TV back? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, by the way, George. Susan called for you a minute ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I bet they're probably doing summersaults about us over there. You think they get butler stories like that everyday? (He calls Susan) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To the TV) Who is Joseph Cotton? Giddee up! <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi, it's me. It's Georgie Boy. What's going on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What's going on? What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. I'm fired! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fired? Why? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Because you kissed me. You kissed me, you stupid idiot! Rita called Russell and he fired me over the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To the TV) What is pi? Ooh! Giddee up again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But I had no... I didn't realize. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You didn't realize? How could you not realize? You're stupid! You're a stupid, stupid man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just feel terrible This is just terrible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To the TV once again) What is the cha-cha? Ooh, yes indeed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I'll speak to you later. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Hangs up phone and pauses) this is great! He fired her! This is incredible, he fired her. I'm out, baby! I'm out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why did he fire her? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because I kissed her in the meeting. Russell found out, he fired her over the phone. Finally, my stupidity pays off! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What is here comes the judge, here comes the judge! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't break up with her now. Her life is shattered. You got her fired. You gotta be there for her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You gotta at least wait until she gets another job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Another job? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Couple of interviews. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, this is unbelievable. I'm stuck. Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Are you gonna leave after its over? You know, if we have sex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? Leave? Where? Why? <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> You know, the apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why would I leave? This is my apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Well what if it was my apartment? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who gave you this idea I would wanna leave? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Well Elaine said men like to leave after it's over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock into what Elaine has to say about relationships. She comes from a broken home, and I mean that literally. A tree fell on her roof and cracked the whole structure. Her parents got along beautifully, but her house was in bad shape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Maybe I should get going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What else did you say to her? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nothin'. I was just givin' her the straight dope. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> More like a dope was giving it to her straight. Another cup of coffee with you, she'll wind up in a convent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Listen, there was a lot more I could've told her, believe me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that about leaving after sex? Did I ever leave with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You might've if I'd stayed. So you know what? I got served with papers today. Ping is suing me. I need your virgin as a witness. You better be nice to her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was trying to be. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look at George. (On the other side of the restaurant) He lucked out, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you're not kiddin'. Who'd 've figured Susan would break up with him? They had a good thing going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, since she met him she's been vomited on, her family cabin's been burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do I do? Well actually, I'm a writer. In fact, I'm writing a comedy pilot for NBC right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> A sitcom? How can you write that crap? Carol, this guy's writing a sitcom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> A sitcom? Come on, let's go. (They leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> A sitcom. Can you imagine? And he actually tried to use it to hit on me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Virgin Script

1992-11-18

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE CONTEST </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's Coffee shop) <b> </b> (Jerry and Kramer are sitting opposite Elaine at a booth, eating lunch) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Elaine) Let me ask you a question. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mm-hm. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're a hostage, captured by terrorists- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Smiling, chewing) Who, me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You, anybody - whatever. You're in the little room, you're chained to the floor, you're there for a long time.. do you think they would ever consider doing <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the laundry? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Matter-of-factly) They have to, it's in the Geneva Convention. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Imitating a Turkish terrorist) You! Take off your socks, your pants, your underwear. We're doing the wash. C'mon! Take it off, take it off! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine both laugh at Kramer's impression as George slowly enters. He's in a melancholy state) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Georgie. <b> </b><b> JERRY AND ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b> (George sits down next to Elaine - opposite Kramer) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To George) What's the matter? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Slowly shakes his head) My mother caught me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Caught" you? Doing what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know. (All three give him blank stares) I was alone.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Making a face of surprise) You mean..?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Nods) Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Laughing) She caught you? <b> </b> (Elaine laughs with Kramer) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Not really wanting to embellish) ..I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes.. Nobody was there - they're supposed <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to be working. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying the story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through it.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Glamour"? <b> </b> (Kramer and Elaine laugh slightly) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ..So, one thing lead to another.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, what did she do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!" And it looked like she was gonna faint - she started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRMAER </b> (Reflecting on the story so far) Man.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I zipped up! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Wide-eyed) So, she fell? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. (Noticing this makes him out to be the bad kid, he gets defensive) Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I guess you couldn't have.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (In the middle of Elaine's sentence, smiling) No, I wouldn't think so. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Finishing it off) ..done that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, she fell, and then she started screaming, "My back! My back!" So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Between chuckles) How is she? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Somewhat angered) She's in traction. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Still laughing) Ok, I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's not funny, Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Stifling her laughter) I know. I'm sorry. I'm serious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of days. All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George, why?!".. I said, "Because it's <b> </b><b> </b> there!" <b> </b> (Kramer laughs, sipping his drink) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Glamour"? <b> </b> (Elaine laughs) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Vowing) Well, I'll tell you this, though - I am never doing.. that , again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What, you mean, in your mother's house, or all together? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Definite) All together. <b> </b> (The next three lines are said at the exact same time) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, gimme a break.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Skeptical) Ohhh yeah.. right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, like you're gonna stop? <b> </b><b> JERRY AND ELAINE </b> C'mon.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't think I can? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No chance. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Daring) You think you could? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I know I could hold out longer than you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Care to make it interesting? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure, how much? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A hundred dollars. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pointing) You're on. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Butting in) Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this. (Clicks his tongue) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You'll be out before we get the check. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Smiling) I want to be in on this, too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE AND JERRY </b> (Rejecting) Ohh, no. No, no, no.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Showing difference) It's apples and oranges.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Why? (More 'no, no, no's from Jerry and George. Persistent) Why? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because you're a woman! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Sarcastic) Oh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh.. shaving. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, that is such bologna. I shave my legs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Making a point) Not everyday. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, look, you want to be in? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You gotta give us odds. At least two to one - you gotta put up two-hundred dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, a thousand! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I'll - I'll put up one-fifty. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, you're in for one-fifty. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Nodding) Okay, one-fifty. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, now, how are we gonna monitor this thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, obviously, we all know each other very well, (Elaine slightly laughs) I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable within the confines of the honor system. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright. (Holds out his pinkie at the center of the table) <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry, Elaine, and George all hook their pinkies onto his, in a 'pinkie promise', they all pull their hand away, yelling out "Yeah!") <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry's sitting on the couch, eating cereal while George is on the phone with his mother) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Stern) No, ma, I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist. N- I don't care if you do pay for it! No! Discussion over. Yeah, alright, I'll see you later. Yes, of course <b> </b><b> </b> I'm gonna come by. Alright. (Hangs up, slamming it down on the coffee table. He sits down next to Jerry) My mother wants me to see a psychiatrist now. Why?! <b> </b><b> </b> Because she caught me? (Scoffs, shaking his head) You know, if everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist.. (Laughing, he snorts) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Waits for the rest of the sentence) ..Yeah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Defensively) Whatever. <b> </b> (Intercom buzzes, Jerry gets up to answer it) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How is she? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Shrugging it off) She'll be fine. I gotta go to the hospital to see her tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Answering to the intercom) Yeah? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. (Lets her in by unlocking the front door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, what are you doing tonight? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Opens his door slightly for Elaine) Dating Marla. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, the virgin? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters, heading for Jerry's window) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, look at this, c'mere. There's a naked woman across the street. <b> </b><b> </b> (George and Jerry quickly join him at the window) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Second floor from the top. (Pointing) See the window on the left? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (In awe) Wow! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Also amazed) Who walks around the house like that?! <b> </b><b> </b> (All eyes are glued to the woman) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Suggesting) Maybe she's a nudist. You know, those nudist colony people.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ..Yeah.. (Pause) yeah.. (Slowly stands up, and walks out Jerry's apartment - leaving Jerry and George with the view, he shuts the door behind him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, let me ask you a question. In these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I would imagine it's all naked. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about the chamber maids? Are they naked, too? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Still focused on the nudist) They're naked, the gardeners naked.. the bellhops. (Jerry makes a noise of astonishment) One big nude-a-rama. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY AND GEORGE </b> (Only turning back for a second) Hey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, (Smiling) where's my money? Who caved? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Over his shoulder) Not me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Also, over his shoulder) Not me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What're you looking at? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's a naked woman across the street. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Smiling, chuckling) This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. (Moving on to a new topic) So, my fried, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics <b> </b><b> </b> class. I'm gonna go tonight. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Commenting) Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying attention) So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to Mars. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Still staring at the woman) Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Have a good time. <b> </b> (Kramer casually enters, takes a few step toward the kitchen, and slaps a wad of bills onto the counter) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Declaring) I'm out! <b> </b> (Kramer now has the attention of everyone in the room. Jerry's mouth is open in shock. A moment passes) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're out?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah.. (Notes their reactions) what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, that was fast! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it was that woman across the street. (To Jerry) You know, you better be careful, buddy. She's gonna get you next. (Walks out, shutting the door <b> </b><b> </b> behind him) <b> </b> (Jerry, Elaine, and George all look at each other, reflecting) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ..And then there were three. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Hospital room) <b> </b> (Estelle is on a hospital bed. George, sitting back in a chair, is visiting her) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing better to do at three o' clock in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk, I come home, and find <b> </b><b> </b> my son treating his body like it was an amusement park! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Stern, trying to shut her up) Ma. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing I didn't hit the table. I could of cracked my head open. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ma, people can hear you. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (Heavy in sarcasm) Too bad you can't do that for a living. You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> people could watch you! You could be a big star! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Getting up) Alright, Ma, that's enough! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I want you to go see a psychiatrist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Why? Why not?! Why won't you go? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Like a kid) Because I don't want to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I want you to go see somebody. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I am not going. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> It's a good thing your father's in Chicago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's cousin, Shelly, enters) <b> </b><b> SHELLY </b> Hello, Aunt Estelle. Look at you - how did this happen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Snapping) Is that important, really? What is this, a police investigation? The woman's been through enough. She has to relive the experience now?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (On the other side of a curtain divider, the silhouette of a shapely nurse can be seen entering) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NURSE </b> Hi, Denise. Six-thirty, time for your sponge bath. <b> </b><b> </b> (The shadow of a patient awakening can be seen) <b> </b><b> DENISE </b> Mmm.. is it six-thirty already? I fell asleep. <b> </b><b> </b> (The two women go about preparing the sponge bath. George is visibly affected - breathing heavily, and staring at them through the curtain) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHELLY </b> (Seems not to notice what's going on beyond the divider) So, George, what are you doing now? I hear you got some kinda television, writing - thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Slowly backing away, he's not at all committed to the conversation) Yeah.. television. <b> </b><b> </b> (The patient, Denise, is trying to get her gown off) <b> </b><b> NURSE </b> Let me help you out with that. Here, just slip it over your head.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DENISE </b> Oh.. thank you. <b> </b><b> SHELLY </b> (Nodding) Well, it's about time. We thought you were gonna wind up on the street. (As the bath is going on, George is now completely mesmerized) <b> </b><b> </b> What is it you're doing, exactly? <b> </b> (A moment passes. George seems not to have heard his cousin) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> George, you're cousin, Shelly, is talking to you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (New York Health Club) <b> </b> (Elaine, dressed for a work-out, is signing forms while talking with her friend, Joyce) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOYCE </b> So, when was the last time you took a class? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, it's been a while. <b> </b><b> JOYCE </b> (Overly excited) Are you psyched? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Fake excitement) Yeah. yeah, I'm really.. psyched. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOYCE </b> Well, you're gonna thank me for getting you in here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why is that? <b> </b><b> JOYCE </b> (Pointing, she directs Elaine's attention off-camera) See the guy with the dark hair and the red shorts? <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine looks over, and her jaw drops to the floor. Breathless, she turns back to her friend) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Between breaths) Oh, my God. (Joyce nods) John F. Kennedy Junior's here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOYCE </b> He's gonna be in your class today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Still unable to speak right) In my class? John Kennedy's gonna be in my class?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOYCE </b> I can get you a spot right behind him. He has got a great butt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's butt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's car) <b> </b> (Stationary, Jerry's girlfriend, Marla, and him are making out. After some deep kissing, Marla breaks away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Let's slow it down a little. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Slow it down"? <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Well, (Reminding him of her virginity) You know.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, yeah.. I know. <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> You're okay with that, right? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you think I care about the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn't mean anything to me. (Faint) I don't <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> care about that. <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> So, I'll see you Saturday night, then? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Smiling, nodding) Sure, Saturday night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Alright, then. Good night. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Goodnight. (She gets out. Jerry leans forward, adding) Not just a good night - a great night. (She shuts the door, he waves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's bedroom) <b> </b> (Jerry, in the middle of the night, is moving around - unable to get to sleep, he's restless. Scene cuts to George. He's wide awake, and staring at the ceiling. Cut to <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine. She's settling into bed, unable to get to sleep. The scene takes a final cut to Kramer. He's sound asleep) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry's in a grouchy mood. Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Singing) Goood Moorrrnninng! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Out of it) Yeah, good morning. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ha, ha! Nothing like some good solid sack time. (Turns toward Jerry's window) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's not there. She's doin' her wash. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Turning back to Jerry) Oh. So, did you make it through the night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Over the top) Yes, I'm proud to say I did! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, you're still master of your domain. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Nodding) Yes. Yes I am. (Kramer chuckles) Master of my domain. But I will tell you this: I am going over to (Gestures to the nudist) her apartment, and <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I'm tellin' her to put those shades down! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you just say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I' here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in <b> </b><b> </b> this contest - something's gotta give! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! (Jerry puts on his coat) This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- I'm not gonna let you do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Persistent) Well, I'm doin' it, get out of my way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Stopping him) No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, looking through our <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> noise) throw it away?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, I'm sorry- <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, (Trying to pass him) get outta my way! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Frantic) No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! For my sake! God knows I don't ask you for much! (Pleading) Now, come on. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm <b> </b><b> </b> beggin' ya! Please! (Claps hands) Come on! Please! <b> </b> (A pause as Jerry thinks it over) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright.. (Takes his coat off) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..Alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Moving to the window) Thank you, thank you, thank you. (Sits in Jerry's chair, looking out the window) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's not there! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I can wait.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's Coffee shop) <b> </b> (Jerry and George are sitting opposite each other in a booth) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous.. then I got a look at the patient.. (Laughs, then snorts) I was going nuts. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Fake sympathy) Well, my mother, Jerry.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry nods) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Pointing) But are you still master of your domain? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Arms out) I am king of the county. You? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lord of the manor. <b> </b> (Elaine enters and sits next to Jerry) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> John F. Kennedy Jun-ya! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Smiling) He was in my aerobics class. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? Did you talk to him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, you don't understand - he was working out right in front of me. So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the exact same moment, and he says to me, (Thinking the world of what he said) "Quite a workout." <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "Quite a workout"? What did you say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Smiling, proud) I said, "yeah." <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Adding, fake praise) Good one. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, and I saw him again, on the way out. (Giddy and nearly out of breath) So we're walkin' and <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> And I said, "Sure" - even though I was going downtown. So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right? But this is John F. Kennedy Junior <b> </b><b> </b> we're talkin' about! (Deep breath) So, then, he says to me, "Where do you live?" And I - and I - and I was close to your block, so I said your building. So he <b> </b><b> </b> dropped me off in front, (Laughs) and I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house.. (Picks up a glass of cold water and presses it up to her <b> </b><b> </b> forehead to cool her off) Oh, God.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But the question is, are you still master of your domain? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Sets the glass down) I'm queen of the castle. (Pops a piece of food into her mouth) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Estelle's hospital room) <b> </b> (George quickly runs in, turning around - he checks both his watch and the wall clock. He smiles to himself) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> You're back. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course I'm back. Why wouldn't I be back? My mother's in the hospital, I'm going to pay her a visit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I know, but two days in a row? You didn't have to do this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're my mother! What wouldn't I do for you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> You know what you could do? I haven't eaten lunch or dinner. I can't eat this hospital food. Maybe you could run down to the deli and get me a <b> </b><b> </b> sandwich.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Smiling) You got it, Ma. (She smiles back, nodding) A little later. (George sits back in a nearby chair, looking at the divider in anticipation) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (Let down) Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry. I'm weak. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I don't understand why you can't do this for me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Standing up) I just got here, Ma! I'd like to spend a little time with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ten minutes! Here, here, (Fishes a box of Tic-Tacs out of his coat pocket and tosses them to her) Have some Tic-Tacs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Get the hell outta here. (Angrily sets them aside) I'm sorry you came. <b> </b><b> </b> (Nurse enters) <b> </b><b> NURSE </b> (To patient) Six-thirty. Time for your sponge bath. <b> </b><b> </b> (George eagerly takes his seat, looking up at their shadows on the divider) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> George.. I'm huuunnnggry! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Muttering, slow) Hang on, Ma.. hang on.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (New York Health Club) <b> </b> (Elaine, dressed to impress, walks up to the counter. She's obviously looking around for JFK Jr.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOYCE </b> Hi! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JOYCE </b> Did you get your hair done today? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I just, uh, fixed it.. a little bit. (Still looking around, she quickly checks her breath) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOYCE </b> You know who - isn't here. He was in the early class today. (Elaine looses her composure) But I think you made quite an impression on him yesterday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Regarding herself) What? What? Who? Me-me-me? I made an impression? What impression? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOYCE </b> Let me just put this back. (Turns to put a stack of shorts away) <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine violently grabs her jacket, pulling Joyce back in her direction) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! No! Now! Tell me now! What did he say?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOYCE </b> (Uneasy) He asked about you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Ecstatic) He asked about me? John Kennedy asked about me?! (Hangs off the side of the counter, both feet in the air) What did he say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOYCE </b> He wanted to know your situation. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Quick) What situation? I have a situation? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOYCE </b> I-I told him you were single. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That was good. That was very good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOYCE </b> He said you were just his type. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Frank) Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? Are you tryin' to hurt - you're tryin' to injure me, right? You're trying to hurt me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOYCE </b> He also told me to tell you that he'll be in your neighborhood tomorrow around nine o' clock - so he's gonna stop in front of your building if you want to <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> come down and say hello. <b> </b> (Breathless, Elaine almost collapses) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Kramer's at the window while Jerry's on the phone with his mother, watching TV) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, Ma, I'll talk to you later.. Nothing, I'm, I'm watching, uh, Tiny Toons here, on Nickelodeon.. It's, I-I like kid shows. They have a very innocent, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> wholesome quality. Okay, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye. (Hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Obviously watching the nudist across the street) Oh, that's good. That's good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's hot in there.. (Jerry looks back at <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer in envy) It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's good.. yes, yes, yes.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Trying to block out Kramer, he starts to sing along with the TV) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The <b> </b><b> </b> wheels on the bus.. <b> </b> (Kramer joins in with Jerry, only, he has a different version) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Both Kramer and Jerry continue to sing the two different versions, trying to over ride the other) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's room) <b> </b> (George is wide awake, staring at the ceiling. Scene cuts to Jerry. Once again, he's restless and flings the covers off him. Scene cuts to Kramer - he's out like a light. <b> </b><b> </b> The scene takes a final cut to Elaine. Foreshadowing the next scene, she's sound asleep too) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry and George. They're bickering at each other due to the lack of sex) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't keep real coffee in here, I get my coffee on the outside! (Intercom buzzes. He answers it) Yeah?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Through intercom) It's Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Shouting) Come on up! (Opens his door for Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where did you get those socks? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think those are my socks! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How are these your socks?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, but those are my socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe, and now I don't have them anymore! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that's right, well, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet. They looked so good to me, I just had to <b> </b><b> </b> have them! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, well, they're my socks! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're my socks! <b> </b> (A brief moment passes as they look at each other) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh boy.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are we doing here.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ..Oh boy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is ridiculous. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you believe this? We're fighting. We're fighting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I haven't been myself lately. I've been snapping at everybody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me too. I've been yelling at strangers on the street. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine slowly enters, shutting the door behind her) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello.. (Pulls a wad of bills out of her purse, and starts to count it up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Shocked) You caved?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's over? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're out? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ohh-my-God. The Queen is dead. <b> </b> (Elaine sets the bills down on the counter) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I figured you'd cruise. At least through the Spring. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It was..uh.. John-John. <b> </b><b> JERRY AND GEORGE </b> Ohhhhh.. John-John. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you made it through the day before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce, the aerobics teacher, that he wants to meet me outside here at nine o' clock tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why outside here? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because he think I live here. Remember when we shared a cab, and he dropped me off out in front? He's picking me up. <b> </b><b> </b> (George picks up the money, counting it) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, Costanza - it's just you and me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And then, (Smacks the money) there were two. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Slowly) Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry and Marla are making out on the couch) <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Let's go in the bedroom. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You sure? <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You really want to? <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> I do. I'm ready. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay.. <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> I know how difficult this must have been for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Chuckles) You don't know the half of it. <b> </b><b> </b> (They both laugh slightly) <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's kinda silly, but.. <b> </b> (Scene cuts to Elaine on the sidewalk waiting for JFK Jr. She checks her watch. Scene cuts back to Jerry's apartment. Marla, obviously upset, is putting her coat <b> </b><b> </b> on) <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Contest?! A contest! This is what you do with your friends? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually started with George and his mother- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> I don't want to hear another word. And to think how close I came to you being the one! I must have been out of my mind. <b> </b><b> </b> (She leaves, slamming the door. Jerry hangs his head, then directs his attention to his window. Eagerly walking over, he sits in his chair, staring at the woman) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to Elaine. Marla walks out in front of her, trying to hail a taxi) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Marla? Hi, oh, I'm glad I ran into you- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> I don't want to have anything to do with you or your perverted friends. (Confused, Elaine moves closer) Ooohh, get away from me! You're horrible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Horrible! All of you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told her about the contest. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohh. Boy, she's a whack-o. <b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Elaine) Hey, what happened? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I thought you were meeting Kennedy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Let down) He didn't show. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, he did. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? He's - He's out there? Oh, my God. I-I gotta go, I gotta go.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, no. He just left. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, he was talking to Marla. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Marla? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I think, you know, she was, like, crying, and he was consoling her, and then, she, uh, just got into his car, and they just drove away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Angered) He left with Marla, the virgin? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They drove away? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, drove away.. You know, I said 'Hello' to him. You know, he's - he's- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Moving to the window, shocked) Oh my God in heaven! <b> </b><b> </b> (All three crowd around the window) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Makes a sound of surprise) Is that..? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer?! <b> </b> (A brief pause) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's waving.. <b> </b> (All three wave back) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's bedroom) <b> </b> (Elaine's sound asleep. Scene cuts to George, then Jerry. They too, are sleeping. Scene takes a cut to Kramer and the nudist - both asleep; then a final cut to Marla's <b> </b><b> </b> bedroom. She's sleeping with JFK Jr) <b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Ohh, John. That was wonderful.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Contest Script

1992-11-25

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE AIRPORT </b> Written by Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...cramped seat, working on a tiny computer; there's always a small problem "There'll be a slight delay, we'll be a *little* late, if you could be a *little* *patient*! We're just trying to get one of those *little* trucks to pull us up just a *little* closer to the jetway so you can walk down the narrow hallway and there'll be a man there in a tight suit and he'll tell you you have very little time to make your connecting flight. So move it!". <b> </b><b> </b> Open with Jerry and Elaine in a car on their way to the airport. Elaine is singing a poppy Jazz tune. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bah bah baaah, Boo doo bah bah bah, boo doo waaaah, waah, waaaah... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, could you do me a favour? (pause) Could you shut-up?They both chortle, and Jerry is hot so he's taking his coat off, but Elaine refuses to take the wheel and Jerry's hand gets stuck and before you can say "Planes, Trains and Automobiles", they collide head-on with a Snapple truck.... <b> </b><b> </b> Would you believe a big purple jeep? <b> </b> Okay, they don't hit anything, but Jerry's hand *did* get stuck... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Anyhoots, Elaine goes to roll down the window, and... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey guess what? This window doesn't work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I hate rental cars. Nothin' ever works: the window doesn't work, <b> </b><b> </b> the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (pause) Or is that you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Gimme ten bucks and find out... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, this worked out pretty good. Them givin' me an extra ticket, y'know, you get a free trip to St. Louis, I did my gig, you got to <b> </b><b> </b> see your sister... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, worked out good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And here's the beauty-- <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George is pickin' us up at the airport. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get out of here! Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know that awning outside my building? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's always bragging about his vertical leap, so I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't touch the awning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what happened? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He didn't come within two feet of the thing. He's wavin at it... <b> </b><b> </b> So, I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he wouldn't have <b> </b><b> </b> to pay me anything. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, how we doin' on time? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Timed out perfectly. Drop off the car, pick up the rental car shuttle, we walk right on the plane... <b> </b><b> </b> Oops. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! Wait up! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! Wait up! <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Sorry. Heh heh heh... <b> </b> The driver speeds away without our heroes, and he seems pretty happy about it. <b> </b><b> </b> Finally inside, they check their luggage... <b> </b><b> SKYCAP </b> Where you goin'? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, JFK. (To Elaine) I need some small bills for a tip. You <b> </b><b> </b> got anything? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, you want five? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gimme ten. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're giving him *ten* dollars? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, we got three bags. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's a pretty big tip... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's what they get! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They don't get that much. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let's ask him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We can't ask him... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let's see what he says. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, we don't have time for this... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Two seconds. (To Skycap) Excuse me, my friend and I here, we were having a discussion and we were wondering what you usually get for a tip. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SKYCAP </b> Depends on the person, depends on the bag. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, how about a couple of people like us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SKYCAP </b> People like you? I wouldn't expect much, you don't even look like <b> </b><b> </b> you know what you're doing... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon, seriously... <b> </b><b> SKYCAP </b> Well, since you asked, usually, I get five dollars a bag. <b> </b><b> </b> What!? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What!? <b> </b><b> SKYCAP </b> That's right. <b> </b> *Five* bucks a bag? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> *Five* dollars a bag? I don't think so. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SKYCAP </b> Look, you asked, I told you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You got some nerve trying to take advantage of us... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, look, we're late. Thank you very much... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're lucky I don't report you... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SKYCAP </b><b> JFK... </b> <b> </b><b> THEN ELAINE'S </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SKYCAP </b> ...Honolulu. <b> </b> Inside the gate, J+E are running to get to the ticket counter in time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wait up! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! <b> </b><b> </b> Get your knees up! <b> </b> Yeah, but Jerry-- she's so darned perky when she runs. Besides, she's carrying luggage and you're not. Some gentleman. Hmfph. Anyway, they get to the ticket counter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY+ELAINE </b> The flight's been canceled?!?! <b> </b><b> TICKET LADY </b> Everything into JFK's booked... No, wait-- I have two seats <b> </b><b> </b> into Laguardia-- but they're not together. It's boarding right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll take 'em! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We're not going to sit together? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, so what? It's not that long-- you'll read. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, what about George? He's supposed to pick us up at Kennedy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll call him... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There's no time. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No time? (To ticket lady) Is there time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TLADY </b> There's no time. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's no time. All right, we'll call him from the plane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TLADY </b> I have one seat in first class, and one in coach. The price is the same since your flight was canceled. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll take the first class. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why should you get the first class? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, have you ever flown first class? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right then. See? You won't know what you're missing. I've <b> </b><b> </b> flown first class, Elaine-- I can't go back to coach. I can't... I won't... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You flew here coach. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's a point... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, fine. I don't care. If the plane crashes, everybody in first class is going to die, anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I'm sure you'll live. <b> </b> They board the plane, and the flight attendant "welcomes" Elaine aboard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT #1 </b> Third row right... <b> </b> Then Mr. First class Jerry comes aboard. <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT #1 </b> Oh, you're in here, sir. Welcome aboard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bon voyage, Lainey! <b> </b><b> </b><b> PASSENGER #1 </b> Oh, excuse me... Um, excuse me, miss, I think you're <b> </b><b> </b> sitting in my seat... <b> </b> Elaine moves over, and he moves in. The guy's got like 5 bags and Data General laptop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PASSENGER #1 </b> I never check my bags-- I can't stand that wait in the baggage area. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Great... (To herself) Help me... <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIA </b> Excuse me, I think you're in my seat... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, sorry... My mistake... (To himself) Thank... *you*! <b> </b><b> </b> Did I mention that Tia is one hot tamale? Yikes. <b> </b> Anyway, we cut back to George and Kramer in the car. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, thanks for coming with me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, what made you think you could touch that awning? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I confused it with another awning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So how we doin' on time? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We're perfect. I timed this out so we would pull up at the terminal *exactly* 17 minutes after their flight is supposed to land. That gives them just enough time to get off the plane, pick up their bags and be walking *out* of the terminal as we roll up. <b> </b><b> </b> I tell you, it's a thing of beauty. I can not express to you the feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup. <b> </b><b> </b> Um, George... Did you say "perfect"? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's going on? What are you doing? The Long Island Expressway? <b> </b><b> </b> What are you getting on the Long Island Expressway for? Do you know what the traffic will be like? This is a suicide mission! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Will you relax?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I had it perfectly timed out: the Grand Central, the Van Wyck! <b> </b><b> </b> You destroyed my whole timing! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> This is the best way to go! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you know what happens if I miss him? I don't get credit for the pickup and I lose my 50 bucks... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George, there's no traffic at this time. Now, come on, man... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> If anything, we'll probably get there early. I'll have a chance to <b> </b><b> </b> go to the Duty Free shop. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The Duty Free Shop? Duty Free is the biggest sucker deal in retail. <b> </b><b> </b> Do you know how much duty is? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Duty. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, "duty". Do you know how much duty is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I dunno how much duty is. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Duty is *nothing*. It's like sales tax... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I still like to stop at the duty free shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I like to stop at the duty free shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> G+K </b> I like to stop at the duty free shop! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I like to stop at the duty free shop! <b> </b> Meanwhile, back on the plane, Jerry and Tia are chatting (isn't that always the way? You get stuck beside someone who insists on going on and on about their kids and how their life didn't go according to plan and all that boring dreck...) <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIA </b> So, he says, "squeeze your breasts together", and I say, "I thought this was an ad for shoes"... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my... <b> </b> Okay, maybe not all conversations are dull and boring... <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIA </b> Is that the new Esquire? Turn to page <b> 146. </b><b> </b><b> </b> Oh yeah, did I mention he had a magazine on his lap and *that's* what she was gawking at? Anyway, he checks out page 146. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow! Coming out of the shower... It's a good thing they gave you <b> </b><b> </b> that washcloth to cover yourself up... <b> </b> Um, what was that page number again? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is this an ad for? <b> </b><b> TIA </b> See those wrinkled jeans slung over the chair? Way in the background, out of focus? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-huh... <b> </b> In traffic, Kramer and George are surrounded by honking cars and what is obviously heavy traffic... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How does it look on your side? (Pause while George just stares at him) We'll get there... <b> </b><b> </b> Back in, ugh, *coach* (those heathens), the annoying guy is sleeping beside <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, look at this... He's sleeping and I have to go to the bathroom. Maybe he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major organ? I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I'm doing for him... (To passenger on the other side of her, but still to herself) Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum-- that's helpful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They're not here! You cost me fifty bucks! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look at you! You run like a girl! Run like a man! Lift your knees! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look, we're wasting our time here! We're a half-hour late, they've probably took it off the board already. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, there it is, right there-- 133... and it's canceled. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Canceled? Do I still get credit for the pick up? I was here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ok, c'mon... let's go check over at the ticket counter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GROSSBARD </b> Oh, there it is honey, gate 18A, 8:30... (He leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Did you see that guy? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No... What guy? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That guy.. He was just... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Listen, you go over to the ticket counter, I'm going to go stop in the gift shop and pick up a copy of Time magazine. There's supposed to ba blurb about Jerry in it and I think he mentioned my name! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (still lost) I know that guy... <b> </b> Y'know, he looks familiar to me, too. Reminds me of this guy John Grossbard that I knew a while back. Got me involved in one of those shady pyramid schemes... Man, if I ever meet up with him again... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PRISONER </b> Gotta get my Time magazine... Never miss my Time magazine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUARD </b> Yeah, get your magazine and let's get out of here. <b> </b><b> </b> George lifts the last copy from the rack before the con can get it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PRISONER </b> Hey, I was gonna take that! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Gee, I'm sorry... I got here first. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PRISONER </b> I don't care when you got here, I want the magazine... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't understand, there's a *blurb* about me in this magazine! <b> </b><b> </b><b> PRISONER </b> A *blurb*?!? *You're* a blurb! Check out the cover, idiot! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUARD </b> All right, let's go... <b> </b> George checks out the cover shot which shows a picture of the aforementioned prisoner with the caption "Caught!" written below. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PRISONER </b> I want the magazine! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Umm... No. <b> </b><b> PRISONER </b> You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But you are Blanche... You *are* in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my *Time* magazine! Laaaast copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow-- in the park! It's supposed to be a beeyootiful day! Have a nice life... sentence, that is! <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer comes into the gift shop and does a Krameresque double-take at "that guy" from the departure screen who's browsing books. He goes up to <b> </b><b> </b> George. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They're on a different flight. They're scheduled to land in a half hour, only at Laguardia. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Laguardia? All right, let's go. C'mon... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Where do I know that guy from? <b> </b> Back in the developing nation section of the plane (coach, that is), Elaine is still pining for the guy next to her to wake up so she can go to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To herself, loudly) Wake up, you human slug! Wake up! *Wake* <b> </b><b> </b> *up*!! I can't hold it anymore! (To the slug out loud) Excuse me, I've gotta go to the bathroom... <b> </b><b> </b> The cad has the nerve to look peeved, and Elaine has a hard time getting out of her seat. She looks a little like Kramer stumbling and falling into the aisle. The capper is that as she's getting up, facing the row of seats (and their staring sitters) across from her, Elaine makes faces at them like she's a homicidal maniac from "Taxi Driver". You can just see the words "You lookin' at *me*?" etched in her brain. It's a killer. <b> </b><b> </b> Anyway, as Elaine scurries off to the bathroom, Jerry and Tia are enjoying some hot towels on their faces. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my... that *is* refreshing... <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Would you care for some slippers? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sounds lovely! (To Tia, motioning to put them on her) May I? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIA </b> Please! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why, It's a perfect fit. You must be Cinderella. <b> </b><b> </b> They chortle to themselves and tink glasses (no, that's not a cleverly- masked euphemism). Back in the car... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My name is not mentioned in this blurb... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Ding! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's Grossbard! <b> </b> Why don't these people listen to me? I don't understand... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who's Grossbard? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> When I lived on Third avenue and 18th street 20 years ago, I had this roommate who was *always* behind in his rent. Then one month, <b> </b><b> </b> he asks me to loan him his share of the rent-- 240 bucks! He took the cash and )pfffft( disappears. Well, I try to find him, I went <b> </b><b> </b> to his girlfriend's house, even his family. Uh-uh. I never got the money back! He screwed me! And that's the guy-- John Grossbard! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey Kramer, c'mon-- it was 240 bucks twenty years ago... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I'm gonna turn around... I'm gonna get that guy... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No-no-no, Kramer. Kramer! Kramer! You *cannot* abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social contract. <b> </b><b> </b> We... we must go forward... not back. <b> </b> George, that's beautiful. Ever thought of running for office? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tia, did you see all the flowers in that bathroom? It's like an English garden in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> They're gardenias, mostly. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought I smelled lilac. <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Yes, there are a few of those, too... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIA </b> It's almost overwhelming... <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAPTAIN </b> Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Due to equipment problems at the runway at Laguardia, we've been <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> instructed by the tower to re-route and land at JFK. We apologize for any inconvenience... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To anyone who'll listen) What'd he say? What'd he say? <b> </b><b> </b> Back to George and Kramer at Laguardia; George has been inside to see if J+E are there, he reports his findings back to Kramer in the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, You're not gonna believe it... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The plane's been re-routed *back* to Kennedy. We've got 45 minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let's go. Listen to the bell, Grossbard-- it tolls for thee. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer peels out. He's on a mission from God. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> We have some *delicious* Chateau Briande, my personal favourite. <b> </b><b> </b> Or, if you prefer something lighter, a poached Dover sole in a delicate white wine sauce with just a *hint* of saffron. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, saffron! That sounds good. <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> And today we're featuring wines from the *Tuscany* region... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY+TIA </b> Tuscany! <b> </b> They do that "tink" thing again, and we rejoin Elaine going back to her seat, but the other attendant is serving the slop to the unwashed masses <b> </b><b> </b> in coach and he's in her way. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. Can I get to my seat? <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> You're just gonna have to wait... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But you just passed it. I'm sitting right there next to that guy... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> You're not supposed to get up during the food service. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, nobody *told* me that! <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Look. This plane is *full*. I got a lot of people to serve. <b> </b><b> </b> Now please... You're just gonna have to wait. <b> </b> Back at JFK, George and Kramer check out the Arrivals board (again)... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There it is. Gate 46... We got plenty of time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Grossbard's plane leaves in ten minutes. I *still* got time to <b> </b><b> </b> catch him! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How you gonna catch him? He's probably boarded the plane already. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Gimme your credit card. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My credit card? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Just gimme the card, don't ask me any questions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not gonna give you my card unless you tell me what it's for! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm gonna buy a ticket-- I'm gonna get on that flight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, are you, nuts? You're gonna spend more on the ticket than you're gonna get back from Grossbard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I'm not gonna use the ticket! I'm gonna get my money, I'll get <b> </b><b> </b> off the plane and turn your ticket in for a refund. It's not gonna cost you a dime! Now gimme the card. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is a *great* idea! Here... use this one. I get frequent flyer <b> </b><b> </b> miles with every purchase... Wait! Get two tickets. As long as <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> your turning it in for a refund what's the difference? I'll get *double* the bonus miles. <b> </b><b> </b> Back in *coach* (I get hives just thinking about it), Elaine returns to her <b> </b><b> </b> seat now that the attendant is done serving. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Excuse me. I'm sorry to make you do this, but I got stuck in the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't let me get through. <b> </b><b> </b> There's no way to get around that cart... <b> </b><b> PASSENGER 1 </b> You're not supposed to get up during the food service. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll try and remember that. (Pause) Where's my meal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> PASSENGER 1 </b> He asked me where you were, and you were gone so long I thought you, uh, switched seats. <b> </b><b> </b> Uh-huh... Elaine addresses the nearby attendant. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Excuse me? Excuse me, but I didn't get a meal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, I'm sure! I would know if a tray of food had been served to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Would you? <b> </b> Ooooh, them's fightin' words, Monroe. <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Well, the only meal left is a kosher meal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kosher meal? I don't want a kosher meal. I don't even know what a kosher meal is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PASSENGER 1 </b> I think it means when a Rabbi has inspected it, or something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PASSENGER 2 </b> No, no. It all has to do with the way they kill the pig. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PASSENGER 1 </b> They don't eat pigs! <b> </b><b> PASSENGER 2 </b> They do if it's killed right-- under a Rabbi's supervision. <b> </b><b> </b> Ummmm, sure. Another (uncredited) passenger addresses the debate from somewhere out of camera range. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PASSENGER 3 </b> Oh, You know what? *I* ordered the kosher meal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Then why didn't you take it? <b> </b><b> PASSENGER 3 </b> I ordered it six weeks ago, I forgot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're eating my food! <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Look, I got earplugs to collect. Do you want it, or not. <b> </b><b> </b> Take the food, Elaine. But ask that guy just what the heck a kosher meal is-- I'm curious... <b> </b><b> </b> Meanwhile, Jerry and Tia enjoy a nummy-lookin' dessert treat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> J+T </b> Mmmmmmmm! <b> </b><b> TIA </b> This is the best sundae I've ever had. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, man. You know what... they got the fudge on the bottom-- y'see? <b> </b><b> </b> That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're eatin' your ice cream. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIA </b> I've never met a man who knew so much about nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you... <b> </b><b> J+T </b> Mmmmmm! <b> </b> We get a quick shot of Elaine staring at *something* on the end of her fork <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> More anything? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> More everything! <b> </b> Does that include Rabbi-slaughtered bovines? <b> </b> Back at JFK... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, I got Super Savers! C'mon. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Super Savers? Are they refundable!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You bought non-refundable tickets, you idiot! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She talked me in to it-- she said it was the best deal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you know how much this is going to cost me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, I'll tell you what-- I'll split it with you <b> </b><b> </b> How big of you, you brute. They board the plane. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look, I'm gonna go to the bathroom... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I dunno, George. Those *coach* bathrooms stink. Just ask Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer goes forward and confronts Grossbard. For his part, Grossbard doesn't seem to recognise Kramer from twenty years ago (then again, he apparently had short hair at the time). After trying in vain to reach Grossbard's wallet, Kramer is escorted off the plane. Before this can take place, George knocks on the bathroom door to a reply of "Just a minute" from the occupant inside (I bet he stinks). Anyway, the door opens and, surprise! It's the Prisoner without his Time magazine (at least now we know why he needed it so badly-- reading material for the john). Anyway, the guy pulls George into the bathroom (he's still wearing his cuffs and shackles, BTW (that's got to make it rather difficult to go to the bathroom, but I digress)). So, while George is in the can with the serial killer, Kramer is escorted off the plane. Don't worry-- the plane isn't moving yet. And what's up with going to the bathroom on a non-moving plane? Isn't there laws against that? Or is it just trains that you have to wait until they're moving? Who really cares, anyway? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Excuse me... Excuuuse me... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Oh, no... nothing for me thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> What is your name? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Elaine Benes? <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> (Checks her list) You're going to have to go back to coach. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, but there was nobody sitting here... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Yes, but you're still not allowed. These seats are very expensive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no, please, don't send me back there. Please, I'll do anything. It's so nice up here. It's so comfortable up here. I don't want to go back there. Please don't send me back there... (She notices another attendant offering goods) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Oh, you got *cookies*! <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> You're going to have to go back to your seat! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ok, fine. I'll go back... You know, our goal should be a society *without* *classes*! (She goes through the curtain to,ick, *coach*) Do you realise that the people up here are getting *cookies*! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The outburst has awoken Jerry and Tia who are sharing a blanket and napping (at least, that's what I *think* they're doing under that big, blue blanket...) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is all the racket back there? You know, you're trying to relax on the plane and this is what you have to put up with. <b> </b><b> </b> (To attendant) What is going on? <b> </b><b> ATTENDANT </b> Sir, this woman tried to *sneak* into first class. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem is, that curtain is no security-- there really should be a locking door. <b> </b><b> </b> Electrified, with a moat if possible. They return to snuggling... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! That guy owes me 240 bucks! <b> </b> No good. He breaks free and makes a run for it and seemingly escapes. <b> </b><b> </b> Meanwhile, Jerry is getting ready for deboarding and he glances out the window only to see a rather harried Kramer running, arms flailing out on the runway. He takes a second look, just to be sure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Couldn't be... <b> </b> After they get off the plane, J+E look for the boys and get their baggage <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> how would they know Kramer was there, too? They didn't get a hold of George on the phone, or he would've went to Laguardia in the first <b> </b><b> </b> place...) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where are they already? I don't see them anywhere... <b> </b><b> </b> Well, George is being raped in a bathroom and Kramer is still on the lam somewhere in the airport... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got my bags, I'm ready to go. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, *you* got *your* bags... <b> </b> In Honolulu, Elaine's bag appears to be having a good time, revolving around the baggage thingy, complete with lei... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The worst flight I have been on in my entire life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, me too... <b> </b> He seems so sincere. Tia walks by, along with an entourage of photographers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIA </b> I'll call you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay... (To a bamboozled Elaine) It's a business thing... <b> </b><b> </b> Enter the K-man through the ramp where the baggage comes out-- you didn't expect a whole episode to go by without a "Kramer entrance", did you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You guys ready? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Where's George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> </b><b> </b> Well, you can't hear him through the window, but he is definitely shouting <b> </b><b> </b><b> "KRAMER!" </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I have to admit, I like flying. I like those little bathrooms that they have on the plane. It's kind of like a small apartment of your own on the plane. You go in, you close the door, the light comes on. It's like a small surprise party every time you go in there. The worst way of flying, I think is "standby", you ever fly standby? It never works, you know, that's why they call it standby-- <b> </b><b> </b> you stand there going "Bye!" So I was on this flight where the flight attendant-- it was her first day on the job so they didn't have a uniform for her yet, and that really... makes a big difference, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I mean this is just some regular person coming over to you going "Would you mind bringing your seat back all the way up?" It's like, "Who the Hell are you?!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Airport Script

1992-12-16

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE PICK </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I loved her Jerry, I loved her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, you didn't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And she loved me. Hoo, ho, she really did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No she didn't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What am I going to do now? I can't live without Susan. I gotta get her back. How? How, am I gonna get her back? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (OC) Not only didn't you love her, you didn't even like her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who says? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You did. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, ...A beautiful successful intelligent woman's in love with me and I throw it all away. uh oh boy. Now I'll spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment watching basketball games, eating Chinese take out. Walking around with no underwear. Because I'm too lazy to do a laundry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You walk around with no underwear? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, what do you do when you run out of laundry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I do a wash. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who am I going to meet who is better than her? No one, Jerry. No one's better than her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When you were with her you said you couldn't stand her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I loved her! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You said goin up the steps of her apartment was like being taken to a cell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I would give anything to be going up those stairs again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I gotta call her. Should I call her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, I don't know if that is such a good idea? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whyie? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You need some professional advice. Why don't you go see Elaine's friend? She's a therapist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not going to see that nut doctor she went to Europe with. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no no (Elaine enters, flossing teeth) Elaine what's the name of that friend of yours ... that's a therapist ... the woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Dana Folley. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right, Dana Folley. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She any good? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, she's terrific. Why? You thinking of going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wa, uh, ... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tia? Who's that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's the model I met on the plane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She sent you a Christmas card? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Um uh. And we're going out Saturday night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My Darling Susan! My DARLING!!! <b> </b> (They ignore George) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ... date with Fred. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The religious guy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's not THAT religious. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let us pray. <b> </b> (Kramer Enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, you got any Double Crunch? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, should I call Susan? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My little man doesn't know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The little man knows all. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My little man's an idiot. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See, she was clever. You know she put her picture on a card. I should do that. I never do anything like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You want a picture like that on a Christmas card? I can do that for you. ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She kept such a nice clean apartment. She was so sanitary. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, I was just thinking out loud I don't want my picture on a card. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, I'll take your picture. I'll take care of everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She made a big breakfast every Sunday. I don't know what she put in those eggs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, ... now, you come on over. I'll have my cereal and I'll take your picture. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? Can you really take a picture? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, he's good. He takes good pictures. He's got equipment over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, ha ha <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know about that outfit though. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? What's wrong with it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, we'll have to improvise. <b> </b> (Elaine and Kramer exit) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (singing) Oh hey, if you happen to see the most beautiful girl who walked out on me. Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her I need my baby ... oh won't you tell her ... I love her. Oh hey, ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Change of Scne Tia at Jerry's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, I'm thinking of putting in na tropical fish tank right here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIA </b> Are you sure you're ready for that kind of comitment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I figure if it doesn't work out I can always flush them down the toilet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIA </b> That's horrible! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's that perfume you're wearing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIA </b> oh I completely forgot I want you to see this. The CALVIN KLEIN ad I was telling you about came out today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that smell? <b> </b><b> TIA </b> It's here somewhere. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It smells like the beach. <b> </b><b> TIA </b> Exactly. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my God is that the new perfume? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIA </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe this. My next door neighbour had the idea for this exact perfume last year. He even met with an executive at CALVIN KLEIN. I can't believe they stole his idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIA </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And you're the model for this perfume? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Noise) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, that's him. He just came home. ... Uh, the door (Jerry pushes his door against Kramer's entrance) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, how ya' doing? (Trying to enter) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, uh, I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I just wanted to borrow your Dust Buster. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right come on in. ... Just wait over HERE! Just wait here and I'll get it for you. ... Kramer this is Tia. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hello. <b> </b> (Jerry pushes tia back away from Kramer) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How tall are you? <b> </b><b> TIA </b> Five ten. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on lets see - Back to Back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> NO! Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's the matter with you? I just wanted to see how tall she was. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you're tall - she's tall I'm tall. What's the difference who's tall. We're all tall. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That smell. What's that smell? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (starting the Dust Buster) What smell? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's very familiar. I can't put my finger on it. It's very familiar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, they're all the same. Here. (gives him Dust Buster) Now if you'll excuse us, .. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, okay, So I'll see you tomorrow uh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Nice meeting you. <b> </b><b> TIA </b> Nice meeting you too. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll see you later. <b> </b> (Kramer slowly leaves as Jerry shuts door on him) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ooow, that was close. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> (OC) THE BEACH!!! </b> <b> </b> (enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You smell like the beach. What's the name of that perfume? you're wearing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIA </b> It's Ocean by CALVIN KLEIN. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> CALVIN KLEIN? No, no. That's my idea. They, they stole my idea. Y' see I had the idea of a cologne that makes you smell like you just came from the beach. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know look at this (shows ad) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whooo, ... That's you! What is going on here? The gyp(?) he laughs at me then he steals my idea. I could have been a millionaire. I could have been a fragrance millionaire, Jerry. ... They're not going to get away with this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (End of scene) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Therapist's Office) <b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> DANA </b> Hello. George, come in. Come in I've heard an awful lot about you. Please sit down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well hello. Um, ah, specifically the reason that I'm here, uh, I don't know uh what Elaine told you but uh I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. Actually she broke up with me (struggling with his coat zipper) and uh, well, I was the cause of it and uh, I just wanted to find out from you ... What's with this thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> So uh, she broke up with you? ... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, and, ... Why won't this go down? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> It's all right don't worry about it. So, why did she break up with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is with this damn zipper? <b> </b><b> DANA </b> It doesn't matter. You'll fix it later. Tell me about your girlfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's stuck on a piece of cloth here. I can't get the cloth out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> It doesn't matter, so ... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is a brand new jacket. Boy this really burns me up, ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> George, George, look at me. Okay, forget about the zipper. ... What's your girlfriend's name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ... Susan. <b> </b><b> DANA </b> Okay, we're getting somewhere. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> UH, ha ha, ... It's just SO frustrating. It's a brand new jacket. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Anyway so Fred and I are going to do some volunteer work for that Church on Amsterdam. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, volunteer work!. See that's what I like about the holiday season. That's the true spirit of Christmas. People being helped by people other than me. That makes me feel good inside. Look at what we have here. (mail). A Christmas card from Laine. You didn't have to go to all that trouble. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It was no trouble. My assistant did the whole thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't even see the picture. How did it come out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you know. It's a picture? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah. Look at that. Looks good. Kramer did a good job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, well. How hard is it to take a picture? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ... um ... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you look at look at this picture carefully? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Carefully? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because I'm not sure and and and correct me if I'm wrong but I think I see ... a nipple. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here. Take a look. What, what is that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (gasps) Oh my God! That's my nipple. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's what I thought. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's my nipple. My nipple's exposed. I sent this card to hundreds of people! My parents. My boss. Uh, Nana and Papa. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> DIDN'T YOU LOOK AT THE PICTURE? </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh God I didn't notice. Oh, what am I going to do? You know your whole life you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple and then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Have you seen the card? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What card? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This car. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah. Of course. I took it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well did you notice anything unusual about it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well come here and take a look. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, so? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, what's that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's a nipple. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right!! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooo! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aw, great!? Didn't you see that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aw, no, no I didn't notice it. no, uh, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's because you made me wear that stupid shirt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, maybe no one noticed it. You didn't notice it. Let me go get Newman. We'll see if he sees it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. I don't want him looking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh what's the difference. Everybody else you know has it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my God. I sent one to the super in my building. My mailman. My ten year old little nephew. Sister Mary Catherine. Father Chelios. Oh my God Fred! I sent one to Fred. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry enters with Newman) <b> </b><b> NX </b> Okay. What is it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Take a look at this card. Tell me if you notice anything unusual about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NX </b> Your nipple's showing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. Thanks. <b> </b><b> NX </b> Anything else? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> NX </b> All right. See you later. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? So what? It's a nipple. A little round circular protuberance. What's the big deal? See everybody's got them. See I got them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got them too. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Everybody's got them. <b> </b> (Therapist's Office) <b> </b><b> DANA </b> You see it's kind of got a little piece of cloth that's slipped underneath and it's ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pull it up a little bit. <b> </b><b> DANA </b> Uhg. Well you hold it. Wait, uh, Damn It! I can't move it. God, I've never seen a zipper so stubborn. DAMN IT! I almost had it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, okey, wait wait. That will separate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> No. Let me try... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Take it right off the chest... <b> </b><b> DANA </b> Ugh, .. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're gonna rip it. You're gonna rip it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> YEAH!! UGH!!! ARG!!! ... I am afraid we're going to have to stop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay. Uh, my mother is is going to pay for the sessions. ... Oh,Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (stares at card) <b> </b> (Jerry's car - BMW) <b> </b> (Jerry scratching right side of nose. Tia in a cab sees him, in shock. Cab pulls away.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, No, No, No, Oh, No. <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry hanging up phone) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well every day for the past four days she hasn't returned one call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Was it a scratch or a pick? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was a scratch. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. It's me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't you think I know the difference between a pick and a scratch? <b> </b><b> </b> (Buzzer) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (OC) It's me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Was there any nostril penetration? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There may have been some incidental penetration. But from her angle she was in no position to make the call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So let's say in her mind she witnessed a pick. Okay, so then what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that so unforgivable? Is that like breaking a commandment? Did God say to Moses thou shalt not pick? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I guarantee you that Moses was a picker. You wander throughh the desert for forty years with that dry air. ... You telling me you're not going to have occasion to clean house a little bit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me ask you something. If you were going out with somebody and if she did that what would, would you do? Would you continue going out with her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. That's disgusting! <b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You cannot believe what I'm going through. That card is plastered all over the office. Everybody is calling me, Nip! ... Yeah. That's my new nickname at the office. Nip! These guys keep asking me out for drinks. Not only that, Fred, you know the guy I told you about? He hasn't called me in three days. ... (sees card) Oh please! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. How come I didn't get a Christmas card? Everybody else got one. Jerry got one, Kramer got one. I thought we were good friends. I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? All right here. (rubs George's head on her breasts) Here's your Christmas card. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Got any Double Crunch? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> yeah. I think I do. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's that perfume? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What, Ocean. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's mine. That's my smell. Jerry you've got to get that model to get me an appointment with CALVIN KLEIN. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't She won't return my calls because she caught me in a pick at a light. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought you said it was a scratch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But that's not what she thinks. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why don't you call her agency. Maybe she's been out of town and she didn't get the calls. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. I'll call the agency. (Elaine grabs card from George) Hello. Yes, I'm trying to get in touch with Tia Van Camp. Do you know if she's been in town? She's been in town. Oh really. well thank you very much. (hangs up) She has been in town. She's at CALVIN KLEIN's right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let's go. <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It'll be different this time. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I need someone a little more stable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not stable? I'm like a rock. I take these glasses off, you can't tell the difference between me and a rock. I put these glasses on a rock. You know what jumps into most people's minds? Costanza! <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> People don't change. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I change I change. Two weeks ago I tried a soft boiled egg. Never liked it before. Now I'm dunkin a piece of toast in there and I'm loving it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I'm not a soft boiled egg. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And I am not a piece of toast. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I just don't think we have anything in common. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's okay. That's good. You think Louie Pasteur and his wife had anything in common? He was in the fields all day with the cows, you know with the milk, examining the milk, delving into milk, consummed with milk. Pasteurization, Homogenization, She was in the kitchen killing cockroaches with a boot on each hand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Why were there so many cockroaches? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because. There was a lot of cake lying around the house. Just sitting there going with all the excess milk from all the experiments (grins) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> And they got along? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! Yes. You know. She didn't know about Pasteurization. He didn't know anout Fumigation. But they made it work! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Trump Towers) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I want to talk to Calvin. <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> You can't go in there. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let me talk to Calvin. <b> </b> (Kramer enters office) <b> </b><b> TIA </b> Kramer? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, uh. <b> </b><b> CALVIN KLEIN </b> Who are you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm here to talk about the ocean. <b> </b><b> CALVIN KLEIN </b> Oh, yes kramer. I uh, think I know something about this. Will you excuse us Tia? (Tia leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now I don't want any trouble Calvin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CALVIN KLEIN </b> Neither do I. <b> </b> (Outside office) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello there you are. <b> </b><b> TIA </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I had to talk to you - I noticed you haven't been returning my calls. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIA </b> Well, I've been busy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because I - I thought we had a good time the other night, an' the only explanation I can come up with is that you think that you caught me (flustered, he <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> indicates a nose pick) <b> </b><b> TIA </b> (Waving him off) I'd rather not talk about this.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I was clearly on the outer edge of the nostril. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIA </b> I know what I saw. (Turns toward the elevators) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But there - but there was no pick! I - I did not pick! There ws no piick! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIA </b> I gotta go. (Quickly walks away from Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No! No pick! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Calvin Klein's office) <b> </b> (Kramer, standing, is talking with Klein) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, now here's the scoop, Jockey. I, uh, I came in here last January to talk to one of your ffflunkies.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KLEIN </b> (Reflecting on Kramer) Interesting face.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah.. And, um, when I told him my idea about the beach cologne, you know, he - he laughed at me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KLEIN </b> You're very lithe, aren't you? Very graceful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, yeah. <b> </b><b> KLEIN </b> Sit down, eh? (Kramer, misjudging one side of the couch, sits down uncomfortably) You're very lean, but muscular.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, I try to take care of myself. I - I watch what I eat. Ah, just recently I cut out fructose. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KLEIN </b> You're spectacular. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Flattered) Oh? <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine's office) <b> </b> (Elaine's fighting with her boyfriend, Fred, about her Christmas card) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I told you, Fred - my friend's next door neighbor took it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRED </b> (Incredulous) Soo - what happened?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I-I-I must a missed a button. I forgot to button it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRED </b> I really don't see how you could miss a button like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, you've never missed a button?! (Phone rings, she puts it on speakerphone) Yeah?.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Your sister, Gail. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, God - my nephew. (Picks up the phone and hits the button) Hi, Gail!.. Yu.. yu... Yes, Gail, I know how old he is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CO-WORKER </b> (Pokes his head into the doorway) Hey, Nip, ya need that manuscript or can I take it home? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, take it! Take it!.. An' stop calling me "Nip"! (Co-worker takes it and quickly leaves. Elaine goes back to the phone) It was an accident! Well.. <b> </b><b> </b> well.. it's gotta be somewhere. Look under his mattress. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Susan's apartment building) <b> </b> (George and Susan are slowly making their way up the stars to Susan's apartment. He's treating it very much like the long walk to an execution; she's mellow and <b> </b><b> </b> happy) <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Calvin Klein's office) <b> </b> (A couple people are sitting with Klein, and talking. Kramer is no where in sight) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> About the focus group? I had nothing to do with the focus group. What's your point? (She sees Kramer emerge from another room. He's wearing only <b> </b><b> </b> dress shoes, socks, and his briefs) My.. he's sexual, athletic.. an' without a trace of self-consciousness! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KLEIN </b> His buttocks are sublime! <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Of course, his pectorals could use a little work - I suppose we could get him into the weight room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> (Mesmerized with Kramer's body) No, let's get him in the studio today. We can send these out immediately. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer casually puts his hand on the wall, attempting to lean on it, but the corner is rounded, and he slides along it, eventually falling down. Fortunately, the other <b> </b><b> </b> people don't notice - they're talking amongst themselves) <b> </b><b> MAN </b> You've done it again, C.K.! <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Calvin Klein office building) <b> </b> (In a hallway, Tia and others are waiting for the elevator. Jerry, deciding to make a speach, starts to preach to the crowd) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> An' what if I did do it? Even though I admit to nothing, and never will. What does that make me? And I'm not here just defending myself but all those <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Pickers out there who've been caught. (Elevator doors open) Each an' every one of them, who has to suffer the shame and humiliation because of people like you.. <b> </b><b> </b> (Everyone but Jerry is now in the elevator. Jerry's still addressing them) Are we not human?! If we pick, do we not bleed?! (Elevator doors shut. A few people in the <b> </b><b> </b> hallway are looking at him, he turns and addresses them) I am not an animal! <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine's office) <b> </b> (Elaine's standing in the doorway, yelling at Fred) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I did not bare myself deliberately, but I tell you, I wish now that I had! (Fred, shocked by her speech, flees. She calls after him, still standing at the hallway) Because it is not me that has been exposed, but you! For I have seen the nipple on your soul! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> GX </b> So the minute I started up the steps to her apartment I knew I made a terrible mistake. Going back with her. So we're in her apartment she goes into the bathroom. I'm cursing myself; now how do I get out of this? Then it hits me like a bolt of lightening. The pick. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The pick? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The pick? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She comes out of the bathroom, I'm in up to my wrist. You should have seen the look on her face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think I've seen that look. <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I've got the magazine. The underwear ad came out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, they really worked on your pectorals. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Your buttocks are spectacular. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm not sure but... I think I see your... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Pick Script

1993-01-06

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE MOVIE </b> Written by Steve Skrovan, Bill Masters &amp; John Hayman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's with the age gap hiring policy at most movie theaters? Didja <b> </b><b> </b> ever notice, they never hire anyone between the ages of fifteen... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and eighty, you know what I mean? Like, the girl that sells you the <b> </b><b> </b> ticket, she's ten. Then there's the guy who rips the ticket, he's a <b> </b><b> </b> hundred and two. So, what happened in the middle, there? You <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> couldn't find anybody? It's like they want to show you how life <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> comes full circle. You're fifteen, you sell the tickets. Then you <b> </b><b> </b> leave, you go out, you have a family, kids, marriage, career, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> grandchildren, eighty years later, you're back in the same theater <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> three feet away. Ripping tickets. Took you eighty years to move <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> three feet. <b> </b><b> </b> 32 seconds) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't understand. I got this all timed out. I got another <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KERNIS </b> I hear you, guy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And I'm doin' Letterman Monday. You know, I gotta work out the <b> </b><b> </b> material! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KERNIS </b> Why don't you come back and do the 11 o'clock spot? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm supposed to meet my friends to see this movie "CheckMate" <b> </b><b> </b><b> AT 10 </b><b> 30. </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> Hey, Jer! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (not losing a step) Heeeeyyyyyyyy..... (and out the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, do you have a ticket? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay. Good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are (you) doing here? <b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> Hey, do you think this is funny? "Why do they call it athlete's <b> </b><b> </b> foot? You don't have to be an athlete to get it. I mean, my <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> father gets it all the time, and believe me, he's no athlete!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've been *dying* to see "CheckMate". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, if it's as good as "Ponce de Leon", I'll be happy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> "Ponce de Leon", are you kidding me? I hated that movie! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "Ponce de Leon"? But that was great! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, (come on). That Fountain of Youth scene at the end, where <b> </b><b> </b> they're all splashin' around, and then they go running over to the <b> </b><b> </b> mirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on! (laughing too <b> </b><b> </b> hard to continue) That's stupid! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lemme tell you sum'in. When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw <b> </b><b> </b> that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> cheek? ... I lost it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Listen, I'm gonna get a hot dog at Payapa King. <b> </b><b> </b><b> G+E </b> No, wait! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're not going to get back here in time! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm starvin', I haven't had any dinner! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can get a hot dog in the theater. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't wanna get a movie hot dog! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (in tears) I want a Papaya King hot dog! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, Jerry is going to be here any second, and then this line is <b> </b><b> </b> going to start moving, and we're going to end up in the front row. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, just save me a seat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! I don't want to save seats. Don't put me through that! I once <b> </b><b> </b> had the fleece just ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> incident! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm in line to buy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, George, this is the ticket-(holders) line. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No it's not, it's the ticket-(buyers) line. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Then how come we're not moving? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Good question. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is this the ticket holders line, or the buyers? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Holders. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But I asked you before if you had a ticket, and you said no! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> I didn't. My friend was getting it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (furious) Good. It's good to be accurate like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can you believe him? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's spaced out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How long would *you* have stood in the ticket-holders line? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (thinks for a while) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (gives up) Yeah, exactly... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't wanna go to a... miniplex multi-theater! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's the same movie! What's the difference? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POWs to <b> </b><b> </b> show them propaganda films. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to taxi driver) Take the Park! <b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> No no no, take 55th. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> Jerry, I want you to do me a favor. No more fish! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (rubbing his eyes hoping the nightmare will end) <b> </b><b> </b> Okay, I get your point! <b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> I had a point? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, you know what else is playing here? "Rochelle Rochelle". <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sigh/Ugh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I wouldn't mind seein' (that). <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if <b> </b><b> </b> there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will <b> </b> take her top off. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what's your point? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> By the way, you owe me seven fifty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, all right. Can you break a twenty? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I don't have any change. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, well, then I'll pay you later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Or, I could take the twenty, then I could pay *you* later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, you *could*... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Might be easier. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean, how is that easier? I mean, then you would owe me twelve <b> </b><b> </b> fifty instead of me owing you seven fifty. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (trying to act as if he doesn't care one way or the other, but we <b> </b><b> </b> know better) Either way. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So... Can I have it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I tell you what, I'll get the popcorn and the soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whaddya mean, you'll "get" the popcorn and the soda? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I will buy your popcorn and soda. We'll call it even. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I tell you what, you give me the twenty, and I will buy <b> </b><b> </b> *you* a popcorn and soda, and I'll throw in a bon-bons. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (exasperated) George, you're sappin' my strength. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You go in and save seats. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (in a panic) Me!? But that's three seats! I can't save three <b> </b><b> </b> seats! I told you about that guy who tore up my winter coat! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> Jerry, I want you to have this piece of material. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's very nice of you, but I can't do the voices. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> Jerry! Don't start up with me! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I gotta get out of this cab... <b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> But Jerry, quit riffing! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring! Do you understand the <b> </b><b> </b> difference? <b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> (pause) Can you help me get on The Tonight Show? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, these are saved. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> All of them? C'mon, you can't take *four* seats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What, is that a rule? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, why don't *you* go, and I could save the seats. You said you <b> </b><b> </b> didn't like saving anyway. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (stopping someone from sitting in the seat next to her) <b> </b><b> </b> No, *TAKEN*, Taken, taken. <b> </b> (to George) (shrugs) I'm getting the hang of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why don't you give me the twenty, and I'll stop and get change, <b> </b><b> </b> and then you and I can... uh... you-know, settle. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can we do this later, George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Psh. What's the point of even discussing it? (condescendingly <b> </b><b> </b> takes her hand and pats it) You'll give me the money when you have <b> </b><b> </b> it. (takes two steps, then reconsiders, then re-reconsiders) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I, I trust you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Could you do me a favor? If you see a guy that's five foot eleven, <b> </b><b> </b> he's got uh a big head and flared nostrils, tell him his friend's <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> going to be right back, okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I'm sorry, these are taken. ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> They're in the lobby buying popcorn. ... <b> </b> What are you doing? These are taken, these are taken! <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Which one? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> These two and this one. ... <b> </b> No! Don't come over here! These are taken. Go! Go! <b> </b> These are taken! They're taken! THEY'RE TAKEN!!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, take 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Um, excuse me, have you see a guy with like a horse face, <b> </b><b> </b> big teeth, and a, and a pointed nose? <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> ... flared nostrils? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Nope, haven't seen him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> Jerry, could you do me a personal favor? And if I'm out of line, <b> </b><b> </b> *please*, let me know. Could I keep my trench coat in your closet <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> for a few months? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your trench coat in my closet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> Jerry, my closet is packed to the gills, I'm afraid to open the <b> </b><b> </b> door. Just for a few months. It'll make all the difference in <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the world. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> We should see "Rochelle Rochelle". I hear it's really hot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No thanks, maybe some other time. <b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> Really? Do you really mean that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> You liked the athlete's foot bit, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. No. I was kidding. It's terrible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, I got some friends inside, I gotta get a message to 'em. <b> </b><b> </b> Mind if I walk through real quick? <b> </b><b> USHER </b> (indicates "okay") <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, did that guy show up? <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> The guy with the... horse face... and the big teeth... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, the guy with the big head and the flared nostrils. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Haven't seen him. There was a short guy with glasses... <b> </b><b> </b> Looked like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon hat. But he left. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> So I got home, and he was vacuuming! I mean, he's twelve years old! <b> </b><b> </b> Who else but my Alan would do something like that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> And then last night, he put on my high heels. Oh, he put on such a <b> </b><b> </b> show for us! He was dancing around, lip-sync'ing to "A Chorus <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Line", I mean you can see he's got talent. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (annoyed) Excuse me, excuse me. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> What's the problem? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (momentarily shocked, as if the answer were self-evident) <b> </b><b> </b> You're talking. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> It's the "Coming Attractions". <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> So anyway, he sings, he dances. And do you know what he's gotten <b> </b><b> </b> into now? He is cooking! He does a crepe... <b> </b><b> </b><b> USHER </b> Ticket, sir? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, I just went out, I went to look for my friend? <b> </b><b> </b><b> USHER </b> Do you have your stub? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (as if the word were totally foreign) My `stub'? <b> </b><b> </b><b> USHER </b> Mm hm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't remember me? <b> </b><b> USHER </b> It's a big city, sir. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I went in with a pretty woman? You know, kinda short, big wall o' <b> </b><b> </b> hair, face like a frying pan? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (whispering) Elaine? <b> </b> (loud whisper) Elaine! <b> </b> (louder whisper) Elaine! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (quite out loud, not even pretending to whisper) Elaine! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NARRATOR </b> The Village Voice calls it a masterpiece. A young woman's <b> </b><b> </b> strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NARRATOR </b> It's a story about life. And love. And becoming a woman. <b> </b><b> </b> "Rochelle Rochelle", now playing at Paradise 2. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> 13:38) </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, could I have a medium Diet Coke? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Do you want the Medium size or the middle size? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's the difference? <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Well, we have three sizes. Medium, Large, and Jumbo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (momentarily perplexed) What happened to the small? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> There is no small. Small is Medium. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's... medium? <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Medium is Large, and large is Jumbo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh-kay. Gimme the large. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> That's medium. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right. Yeah. (fearing the answer) Could I have a small popcorn? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> There is no small. (flash of perky inspiration) Child-size is small. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's `medium'? <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Adult. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do adults ever order the child-size? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> (chuckling) Not usually. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughs appreciably) Okay, gimme the `adult'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Do you want butter? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is it *real* butter? <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> (perkily) It's butter-*flavored*! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (exasperated) What is it made of? <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> (perkily) It's yellow! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 44th and 9th. <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Have you got a cigarette? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> </b><b> USHER </b> Ticket, sir? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We've just been through this! You don't remember? We just had <b> </b><b> </b> this exact same conversation a minute ago! <b> </b><b> USHER </b> I need to see your stub. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (realizing the only way out is to show the stub) I've got the stub. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There you go, okay? That's my *other* friend's ticket. <b> </b><b> </b> You happy now? You got two tickets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> USHER </b> Ticket, sir? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, no, see, my friend already bought me a ticket. <b> </b><b> </b> I'm late, and she's inside. <b> </b><b> USHER </b> Go ahead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Is that seat taken? <b> </b><b> WOMAN BEHIND ELAINE </b> It's all yours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> I'm very sorry, you give me few minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I have to stop for gasoline. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gasoline? Can't you get it after you drop me off? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> (taken aback) No! Impossible! It is on `Empty'! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> You're soaking wet. Who are you? <b> </b><b> ROCHELLE </b> My name is Rochelle, I'm from Milan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I'm supposed to visit my relatives in Minsk. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Here, stand by the fire. Take off those wet clothes, <b> </b><b> </b> you'll catch cold. <b> </b><b> ROCHELLE </b> Oh, my hand's so cold, I can barely get these buttons open. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ROCHELLE </b> Oh, that's much better. Much... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I just went to get popcorn... Ugh... (shakes more popcorn) <b> </b><b> </b> I just went to get popcorn, okay? <b> </b> And and and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> USHER </b> There's a seat in the front row. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no, I can't sit in the front row. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> USHER </b> Well, you're going to have to wait, then. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't stand around here for *two hours*! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> USHER </b> I could let you see "Rochelle Rochelle". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (heavy sarcasm) Oh. Thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hey, listen, by the way, have you seen a tall... lanky... <b> </b><b> </b> doofus, with a, with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Frankenstein? <b> </b><b> USHER </b> Haven't seen him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, did I make it? <b> </b><b> KERNIS </b> Sorry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, great. That's great. What a night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNOUNCER </b> Pat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Another round of applause for Pat Buckles! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got my spot? <b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> That athlete's foot bit killed! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really... <b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> Do you think I need to lose some weight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Weight? Naw. Just need some more height. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My whole night's ruined. <b> </b> I didn't do any sets, didn't do any movies... <b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> Come on, we can still catch most of "Rochelle Rochelle". <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Rochelle Rochelle", huh? <b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (his interest piqued) Minsk? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, gimme a break! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine! <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> (whispered) Shut up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George! (waves hi) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, where's Kramer? <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> (whispered) Will you shut up? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. Does this movie stink or what! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let's get outta here. (to Buckles) I'll see ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> You're leaving? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> (holding out his coat) Jerry, take the coat. Please. One month. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't want the coat. <b> </b><b> BUCKLES </b> Jerry! Call me when you get home so I know you're okay! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (studying his jacket) Oh man! Look at this! I sat in gum. <b> </b><b> </b> Oh, by the way, you owe me seven fifty. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't even use the ticket! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I still paid for it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I only have a twenty. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's my coat! Gimme that. Where did you get that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It was on the seat... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> *YOU* took my seat!? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You uh owe me for the ticket. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, right... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is that stain (on my coat)? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's yellow mustard. (To George) Can you break a twenty? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I always get confused in the movie theater by the, by the plot. <b> </b> It's embarrassing. It's an embarrassment to have to admit, <b> </b> but I'm the one that you see in the parking lot after the movie <b> </b> guy from the (beginning)... Ohhhhhhhhhh..." Nobody will explain it <b> </b> to you. When you're in the theater, you can't find out. <b> </b> (whispering to imaginary friends seated around him) "Why did they <b> </b> kill that guy?... Why did they kill him?... Who was that guy? What <b> </b> was the... I thought he was with them? Wasn't he with them? Why <b> </b> would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't *really* with <b> </b> them.... I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed <b> </b> him." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Movie Script

1993-01-27

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE VISA </b> Written by Peter Mehlman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> What are lawyers, really? To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the <b> </b> rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our <b> </b> pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person <b> </b> that has read the inside of the top of the box. I think one of the fun things <b> </b> for them is to say, "objection." "Objection! Objection, your Honor." <b> </b> Objection, of course, is the adult version of, "Fraid not." To which the judge <b> </b> can say two things, he can say, "overruled" which is the adult version of "Fraid <b> </b> so," or he could say, "sustained," which is the adult version of "Duh." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> First scene. George is at the counter at Monk's, he's talking with an Oriental woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you're a lawyer. What kind of cases do you handle? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Oh, everything. Divorce, patents, immigration and naturalization. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is that, immigrants come over, you show them how to act natural? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Are your friends as funny as you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, they're not funny at all. No, I have no funny friends. I'm the <b> </b> funny one. El Clowno. <b> </b> Quick pan to the front door as Jerry and Elaine are entering. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look, I was nice enough to pick it up for you <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I've been back four days, I want my mail. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's mostly bills, magazines and junk mail anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, that's what mail is. Without bills, magazines and junk mail, <b> </b> there is no mail. <b> </b> Cut back to George and Cheryl at the counter. <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Here's my card. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, ok. Thank you. It was good talking to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Nice meeting you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Cheryl leaves, George walks over to the booth to meet Jerry and Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, how ya doin? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You would not believe what just happened. I was waiting for you and <b> </b> this woman was sitting at the counter. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What, the one who just left? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah, and we started talking, and she's this lawyer who's <b> </b> incredible! Everything I said was funny! You know, she laughed at everything I <b> </b> said, she thinks I'm hilarious. You know in a way, it was almost too good. I <b> </b> started so good, I can't go any place but down now, ya know? I got no place to <b> </b> go. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, well, I guess it's all over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, is that Babu? It is! (walking over) <b> </b><b> </b> Hey, Babu! <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at you, you got the job. <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Yes, yes, they give me job thanks to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I didn't do anything. <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Yes, you do everything, get me job, you get me a place to live in your <b> </b><b> </b> building. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on. <b> </b><b> BABU </b> You very very good man, you do everything for me. My family and I can <b> </b> never thank you enough for everything you do. <b> </b> Cut back to George and Elaine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You see, this is what I do with women. I start out too strong, now I <b> </b> have to become real, that's when it all falls apart. What good is real? They <b> </b> don't want real, they want funny. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No they don't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ooooh, yes they do. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nooo. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya gotta put on a show, ya always gotta give them a big show. You <b> </b> always have to be 'on' otherwise why would they like me? They'd just go for a <b> </b> better looking guy with more money. <b> </b> Elaine nods her head in approval. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You mean that's true, I'm right?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok, great, well, I'm glad everything worked out, Babu. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> Oh, yes, yes, everything wonderful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok, I'll see you around the building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> I'll see you *in* the building. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Remember Babu Bhatt? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who's he? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Remember that guy who opened the restaurant across the street from the <b> </b> building last year and he wasn't doing so well and I told him he should make it <b> </b> into all Pakistani and that drove him right out of business? So, you uh, going <b> </b> with me to the auto show with me Saturday? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can you bring my mail then? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What mail? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I picked up his mail while he was on the road <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why didn't Kramer pick it up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Cause he's at that baseball fantasy camp in Florida. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah, right. When's he coming back? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Monday, I think. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. <b> </b> People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do <b> </b> nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have <b> </b> sex without dating; that's a fantasy camp. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey listen, if you're gonna go out with this lawyer, why don't you have <b> </b> dinner with us and then maybe you can go to the auto show with her if you want, <b> </b> you know, have a little company, take the pressure off. <b> </b> George has a dream sequence where the four of them are at a dinner table and <b> </b> Cheryl is laughing hysterically at one of Jerry's jokes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...he never heard of corduroy! <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Stop it, you're killing me!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He never heard of corduroy! True story, true story. <b> </b><b> </b> Dream sequence ends. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no I don't think so. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I think I'm better off going one-on-one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know why you want to play man-to-man when you could play a zone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She might not be comfortable. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? We're all very nice, we're very friendly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll be funny. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! No. It's not good, I don't think so. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, well if you change your mind, we'll wind up as Isabella's <b> </b> probably around seven. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no Isabella's, I don't want to go to Isabella's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's too trendy, no Isabella's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. George and Cheryl are at Isabella's. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excellent. Like I really know what I'm talking <b> </b> about. <b> </b> Cheryl laughs. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast, I love. Never start the <b> </b> day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Just then the headwaiter seats Jerry and Elaine at the next table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look who's here! Georgie-boy! <b> </b> What are you doing here? I thought you said you hated Isabella's? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I talked him into it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What happened to the auto show? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, we're still going, we're still going. Elaine, do the spokes model. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The turbo quadramatic transmission offers you the power and prestige to <b> </b> propel you well into the 21st century. <b> </b> Jerry and Cheryl laugh, George, unamused, tries pushing Jerry and Elaine away <b> </b> from their table. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Cheryl, Elaine, and uh, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Would you like to join us? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh no no no, they don't want to join us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Oh no, it's ok, don't be silly. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ok, well why don't we just put these two tables together? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, you can't do that, they're round, it makes an 'eight' and, yeah, well alright. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry? Jerry, tell them that funny story you were telling me-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No George, it's so funny. We saw this cab driver's picture, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know we should really order, the service is so slow <b> </b> here, by the time you get anything... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Cheryl, can I ask you a legal question? Um, I'm being sued. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Oh? What happened? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I ran out to apologize to a virgin and I crossed against the <b> </b> light and I knocked over the delivery boy. <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Was he Chinese? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Is your last name Benes? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did you know? <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Ping is my cousin! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's so funny! <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> I'm handling his case! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? You're Cheryl Fong? <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> That's right! <b> </b> By now, they're all laughing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my god, I can't believe it! That is such a coincidence! <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Yeah, I know! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow, well, I guess you don't have any advice for me on how to win the <b> </b> case? <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Will you excuse me? I have to make a call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tell Ping I said hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tell him you think you may have broken the case wide open. <b> </b><b> </b> They all laugh as Cheryl walks away. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you doing? What are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is not good. This is not good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the matter? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just don't think it's such a great idea for you to sit here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He thinks that if you're too funny, he might not look so funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Biff? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not worried about that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, of course not. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, so what if I'm funny? Who cares? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll walk <b> </b><b> </b> out on his show, go see the other show. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, should we leave? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe you don't have to be so funny. I mean, would it kill you not to <b> </b> be so funny all the time? That's all I'm asking. This woman thinks I'm very <b> </b> funny. Now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short <b> </b> bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is so ridiculous. Can we just go over there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't have to be funny, I don't care. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No way! It's completely under my control. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, it's not. You cannot not be funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course I can, am I being funny now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A little. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, this is funny? I'm being funny? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, is this funny? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's funny! (To Elaine) and it wouldn't kill you to not be so funny <b> </b> either. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What did I do? <b> </b> Cheryl returns. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. Welcome back. <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Sorry, it was my aunt's birthday and she makes such a big deal about <b> </b> it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, nobody likes to get old, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and <b> </b><b> </b> how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better <b> </b> self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not <b> </b> to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are <b> </b> to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Funny guy, huh? <b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Elaine is bringing Jerry's mail to his apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Here, take it. I was glad to get rid of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well thank you very much, it's about time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh listen, guess what? Cheryl convinced Ping to drop the case against <b> </b> me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Drop the case? Well, congratulations, that'll save you some money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, no kidding. That lawyer was gonna charge me a fortune. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh great, a birth announcement from Arnie and <b> </b> Joy Harris. <b> </b> They hear a noise from the hallway. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hear that? Guess who's back. (Opening the door) Hey! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you weren't coming back till Monday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, the camp ended a few days early. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, well there was an incident. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I punched him and they took him to the hospital and then they <b> </b> canceled the rest of the week. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You punched who in the mouth? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mickey Mantle. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know, we were playing a game and, you know, I was pitching, <b> </b> and I was really throwing some smoke. And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man that <b> </b> guy, you know, he was crowding the plate. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow! Joe Pepitone! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate. So I <b> </b> throw one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his <b> </b> pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well the next pitch, <b> </b> he's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You plunked him. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the <b> </b> mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know? A brouhaha breaks out <b> </b> between the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players, and as I'm <b> </b> trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know, somebody pulls <b> </b> me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down, <b> </b> and woah man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow, this is incredible! <b> </b> A voice is heard from the hallway. <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Leave me alone! You can't do this to me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's going on out there? <b> </b><b> BABU </b> What are you doing? This is not right, people. You're making a very bad <b> </b> mistake, very bad. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Babu? (leaving) I'll be right back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, so? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's screaming, "Mickey! Mickey! What have <b> </b> you done with Mickey? You killed Mickey!" <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what'd you do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I got the hell out of there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They took Babu away! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They took Babu away?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, the Immigration guy said his Visa was expired. Poor Babu, <b> </b> everything was going so well for him. He had an apartment, he had a job. What <b> </b> a shame. <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Jerry! Jerry! Help me! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I will, Babu! I will help you, Babu, don't worry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's chasing me around, he trips over third <b> </b> base and knocks over Clete Boyer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh oh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well this is interesting. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a letter from the Immigration Bureau, it's Babu's Visa renewal <b> </b> application form. They must have put it in my mailbox by mistake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, doesn't he need that? <b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If you had given me my mail last week when I got home, this whole thing <b> </b><b> </b> never would have happened. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you should have come to my house to pick it up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, so am I being funny now? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, actually, you're not being funny now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See, I told you I wasn't funny all the time. (George enters) Hey <b> </b> George, look, I'm not funny now. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, and you weren't funny last night either. In fact, you got us both <b> </b> so depressed, she asked me to drive her home after dinner. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh look, I need to get in touch with Cheryl. Babu needs a lawyer, his <b> </b> Visa's expired. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you need her for? There's a million lawyers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but you said this is one of the things that her firm does. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, alright, but no funny business, same deal as last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, will you stop it already? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, please? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How long is this gonna go on? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Till I'm comfortable. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, when is that gonna be? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> After consummation. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Consummation? I don't think you have enough material. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Jerry and Cheryl are at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> I actually have a friend in the Immigration Department who owes me a <b> </b> big favor. You're very lucky. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's wonderful news. Thank you. <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> You're a very serious person, aren't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't <b> </b> seem like it would be fair to be cheerful. <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> I understand. <b> </b> Jerry reaches for the milk for his coffee. <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> I think it's curdled. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't care. <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Do you ever laugh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not really. Sometimes, when I'm in the tub. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> That's so sad. What do you do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm a comedian. Oh, let me get that. (reaching for the check) You've <b> </b> been so helpful. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, we're gonna go see Babu now, right? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I'll just pay for this. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I'm just gonna go say hi to Cheryl. (walking over to the booth) <b> </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Listen, gosh, I wanted to thank you so much for convincing Ping to drop <b> </b><b> </b> the case. <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Well, after we met, you were all so nice. I just couldn't go through <b> </b> with it. But between you and me, you would have paid through the nose. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're kidding. <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> No, I'm not. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Jerry and Elaine are at the Immigration office. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Babu! <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Jerry! Jerry, hello Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You remember Elaine. <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Yes, yes of course! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> BABU </b> So nice of you both to come. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Babu. <b> </b><b> BABU </b> No no, you're both very kind, very kind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY AND ELAINE </b> Oh, well, you know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We try. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We do what we can. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We do what we can. <b> </b><b> BABU </b> The problem is I never got my Visa renewal form in the mail. I was <b> </b> expecting it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, well, see, here's the thing, Babu. Um, what happened was I was <b> </b> away for a couple of weeks doing some comedy shows. <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Comedy shows! You're a very funny man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, Elaine here was picking up my mail while I was away, because you <b> </b><b> </b> know that little box can get very full. <b> </b><b> BABU </b> Oh yes, of course. TV Guide, magazines, everything. You know, I would <b> </b> have picked up your mail, your box is right next to mine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I don't want to bother you. <b> </b><b> BABU </b> No bother! You get me job, you get me apartment, you very very good man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So yesterday, after they took you away, I looked in my mail and I <b> </b> noticed that the mailman accidentally put your Visa renewal in my mail box. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> Come again? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You see, I've been home for a week and Elaine didn't give me my mail <b> </b> until yesterday, even though I asked her repeatedly for it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, but Babu, he could have come to my house to pick it up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> You had my Visa application?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well not technically. <b> </b><b> BABU </b> I kill you!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what about her? <b> </b><b> BABU </b> I kill both of you!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Babu?! <b> </b><b> BABU </b> No Babu! No Babu! You bad man! You very bad man! You very lazy bad <b> </b> man! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Babu, I'm gonna fix everything! I have a lawyer who knows someone in <b> </b> the Immigration Department, they're gonna straighten the whole thing out, the <b> </b> wheels are in motion, things are happening even as we speak! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> The wheels are in motion? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The wheels are in motion, things are happening! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene. George and Cheryl are parked. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry? <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> I'm very attracted to him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think the person you were talking to is him? That's not even close <b> </b> to him. He's funny, Jerry's funny. <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> He never said anything funny. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He can't not be funny. <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> No no no, he's dark. And disturbed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and <b> </b> cereal. I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was funnier. <b> </b> That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed, that's disturbed. You can't <b> </b> find sickness like that anywhere, you think sickness like that grows on trees? <b> </b> Nobody is sicker than me, nobody. He's pretending, I'm the genuine article. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> So you're telling me Jerry's whole thing was an act? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! And I put him up to it, because I'm sick! I'm the one that needs <b> </b> help. <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> I gotta go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, should I call you later? <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> Please don't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But, but I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it <b> </b> all!! <b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, what's up with Babu? How come he's not back? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, I don't understand it. Cheryl was supposed to take care <b> </b> of it, he should be back by now. (Answering the buzzer) Yeah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon up. <b> </b> They hear a voice in the hallway, Jerry opens the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Babu must be back. <b> </b><b> BABU'S BROTHER </b> Babu, my goodness, what has happened to you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where's Babu? <b> </b><b> BABU'S BROTHER </b> He is in Pakistan! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who are you? <b> </b><b> BABU'S BROTHER </b> I am his brother. He knew a lawyer, it was all going to be <b> </b> fixed. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sure the lawyer did everything they could. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU'S BROTHER </b> Then where is Babu? What happened to Babu? Show me Babu! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Snapple? <b> </b><b> BABU'S BROTHER </b> No, too fruity. <b> </b> Babu's Brother leaves, George enters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, what happened? I thought Cheryl was gonna help Babu get his Visa. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She didn't help him? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where is he? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's in Pakistan. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh boy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean, oh boy? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, last night she told me that she liked you. Not you, the <b> </b> disturbed you, so I had to tell her the truth. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Told her the truth? Well, you got Babu deported. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you mean, I got? You didn't give him his Visa application. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's because she had my mail. <b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, well I wouldn't have had to get your mail if he hadn't gone to <b> </b> that fantasy camp. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I just came back from Mickey Mantle's restaurant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could you go in there? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I had to. I had to apologize. I mean, I punched Mickey Mantle, <b> </b> my idol. It was eating me up inside! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what happened? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got down in my knees and went, "Go ahead, Mickey. Hit me. I'm <b> </b> begging you, Mickey, please hit me. C'mon, hit me. I love you, Mickey, I love <b> </b> you!" <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, what did he do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, the four of them, they picked me up by my pants and they threw me <b> </b><b> </b> outside, right into a horse. <b> </b> There's a knock on Kramer's door. <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Kramer? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah? It's my Chinese food. <b> </b> Ping enters with a bag of food. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! Ping! Hi! Listen, thank you so much for dropping that lawsuit <b> </b> against me. <b> </b><b> PING </b> Not anymore. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> PING </b> Cheryl call me last night, lawsuit back on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> PING </b> She call you and your friends big liars. You think she nice girl? Wait <b> </b> till you see her in court. She's a shark! They call her the Terminator. She <b> </b> never lose a case. Now you make her mad. She double the damages. Hasta la <b> </b> vista, baby. <b> </b> Ping exits. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene. Babu and a friend are sitting at a table in an outdoor cafe in Pakistan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> So his friend got the mail but she did not give it to him. And then he <b> </b> came to visit me. Said the lawyer was called to help, he said the wheels were <b> </b> in motion, but there was no motion. There was nothing. And so they sent me <b> </b> back here. <b> </b><b> BABU'S FRIEND </b> This is a terrible story, Babu. What are you going to do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABU </b> I'm going to save up every rupee. Someday, I will get back to America, <b> </b> and when I do I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He <b> </b> haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very very bad man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> I am for open immigration but that sign we have on the front of the Statue of <b> </b> Liberty, 'Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...', can't we just <b> </b> say, 'Hey, the door's open, we'll take whoever you got.'? Do we have to specify <b> </b> the wretched refuse? I mean, why don't we just say, 'Give us the unhappy, the <b> </b> sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, that they have trouble <b> </b> merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't <b> </b> parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they're clogged, <b> </b> if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food <b> </b> between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a <b> </b> spot shaving, in other words any dysfunctional defective slob that you can <b> </b> somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over, we want 'em.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Visa Script

1993-04-02

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SHOES </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment, working on the script for the "Jerry" pilot episode.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a second, wait a second...and then the butler says, "I'm not cleanin' it up! I'm sick of cleaning!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's funny, that's funny! "I'm sick of cleaning." That's very funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've never seen a pilot script as funny as this! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it's funny! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I mean, how funny is this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's funny. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I mean, we're not stupid, right? We know when something's funny! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It cannot not be funny! Now come on, let's stay with it, we gotta finish this today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay. Hey, you know what, maybe I should give it to my therapist to read. She's smart, I trust her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, maybe I'll give it to Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, you know, we haven't brought the Elaine character into the show yet. We should try and get her into this scene. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right, right. Okay. (Writing) Elaine enters. (Thinks) What does she say...? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, what do women say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't even know what they think. That's why I'm in therapy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, if we bring Elaine in, it's going to be so many people to keep track of. It's gonna be too hard, I'll forget where everybody's standing, you, me, Kramer, the butler, it's too much. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, forget Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. (They tear the pages out of their notepads. Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You are never gonna believe who I just ran into today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Your old flame. Gail Cunningham. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you talk to her? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I was on my way to the Y, and I saw her coming towards me? I didn't know what to do! Because I remembered you had three dates with her and she wouldn't kiss you goodnight. So now I'm thinking, what is my duty to my friend? Do I acknowledge her? Do I ignore her? I mean, what is my responsibility here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what happened? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah, so she sees me and she goes, (imitates Gail) "Oh, hi! Kramer!" You know? Like nothing happened! Like she never went three dates with you and refused to kiss you goodnight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I know about the three dates. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know what I did? I snubbed her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean, you snubbed her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I walked right by her - bffffft - never said a word. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right by her? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Right by her! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What you do say about a guy like this, huh! (George applauds.) You are some great friend, I tell ya, snubbed her! (seriously) Not that I condone it. I've never condoned snubbing in my administration. Your loyalty is beyond question. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Well, you know, she was lucky I was in a good mood - coulda been a lot worse. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Jerry and Elaine at the coffee shop. Jerry is showing her the script. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm not even in here! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought there was going to be a character named Elaine Benes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, there were too many people in the room, we couldn't keep track of everybody. George, and the butler, and... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You couldn't "keep track" of everybody? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, we tried. We couldn't. We didn't know how to, uh...(confessing) ...we couldn't write for a woman. We didn't know what you would say. Even right now, I'm sitting here, I know you're going to say something, I have no idea what it is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You have no idea? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Something derogatory? (Gail enters the coffee shop and walks over to the booth.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GAIL </b> I thought I'd find you here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, Gail Cunningham. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, Gail. <b> </b><b> GAIL </b> Hi, Elaine. (To Jerry) Hey, what is with your friend Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GAIL </b> He snubbed me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> GAIL </b> Yeah, I'm sure. What did you tell him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing. (Elaine grabs Jerry's sandwich and is about to take a bite.) Hey, where you goin' with that? Gimme that. (Takes back the sandwich.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought you were finished. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I took two bites, how am I finished? (Elaine coughs.) Plus you're coming down with something? You want me to get sick? (Offers Gail the sandwich) Bite? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GAIL </b> So, how come? Why did Kramer do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. Once he leaves the building, he's out of my jurisdiction. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GAIL </b> Well, tell him that I am mad at him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. So, where ya cookin' now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GAIL </b> Pfeiffer's. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, the power lunch crowd. <b> </b><b> GAIL </b> Nice shoes! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. Thank you. <b> </b><b> GAIL </b> Where'd you get 'em? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They're um, Botticelli's. <b> </b><b> GAIL </b> Ooh, Botticelli's! Look at you! I'm afraid to go in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Would you care to join us? <b> </b><b> GAIL </b> No, no, I gotta get to the restaurant. (Looks at her watch.) Oh! See ya. (Exits.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See ya. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> "Oh, look at you, the Botticelli's." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That bothered you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, it bothered me. So I bought a pair of shoes at Botticelli's, I'm not allowed to shop there? That really embarrassed me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It did? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes! Couldn't you see that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. This is why you're not in the pilot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - George in a session with Dana, his therapist. <b> </b><b> DANA </b> Well, George, I think you're beginning to get some perspective on things. I think we're making progress. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I feel like I've grown. <b> </b><b> DANA </b> Good. So, let's pick up on this next week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Great. (They both stand.) Oh, by the way, did you get a chance to read the script? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> Yes, yes I did. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, what'd you think? <b> </b><b> DANA </b> Uh...it was...good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You didn't like it? <b> </b><b> DANA </b> Well, no, I - <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe this! What was wrong with it? What didn't you like about it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> It wasn't funny. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It wasn't funny? What, are you kidding? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> No, I didn't find it funny. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You didn't find it funny?! This is what I'm paying for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> Well, that whole storyline about a guy who gets into a car accident, doesn't have any insurance, so the judge sentences him to be a butler? I didn't really buy that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me tell you who did, uh, buy it...we pitched this story to Russell Dalrymple, the president of NBC, and he ate it up with a spoon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> George, if you're going to be in a creative field, you're going to have to learn how to deal with criticism. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How's this for criticism? Um...you stink. How do like that criticism? You know what's funny to me? That diploma up on the wall. That is my idea of "com-med-dee"! You sitting here, telling people what to do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> I think you'd better go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I'm goin' baby. I'm goin.' (Heads for the door, then stops.) It's Jerry's fault. He took out all my good lines. He's such a control freak! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment. They're both standing by the door. Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, you send me to this therapist to help me with my emotional disorders, and she criticizes our script. (Tosses the script to Jerry.) What kind of a therapist is that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I guess she didn't think it was funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, she didn't think it was funny. What is she, Rowan &amp; Martin? We're supposed to meet with NBC tomorrow! She completely shattered my confidence. And I'm paying for this, she's my employee! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought your mother's paying for it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And she slaves to earn every penny. So that someday, I might be able to walk up to a woman and say, "Yes, I'm bald, but I'm still a good person." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, he's right. It's not her place to criticize the script, which reminds me - what did you think of it? You never told me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did I think of it? (Manufactures a cough instead of answering. Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, buddy, I got something to tell ya. (Elaine runs towards to the bathroom in lieu of answering Jerry's question.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, one second, you don't get off that easy. C'mon, tell me what you thought. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you know, I... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I just kissed Gail Cunningham. (Jerry turns and looks at Kramer, shocked. Elaine grins and heads to the bathroom.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I kissed her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You kissed her? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Right on the mouth. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What kinda great friend are you? How do you go from snubbing to kissing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I saw her outside the Y, you know, she came up to me, she started yelling because I snubbed her, and then we started talking a little bit, and I walked her to her building. And just before I left, I put my arm around her waist, I pulled her to me, and I - mmm - I planted one! (Laughs.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And what did she do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She kissed me back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't get this. I go out with this girl three times, she doesn't want to shake my hand - why's she kissing you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No they don't. I tried that once. I snubbed for a year. Nothing. Every woman I saw, I snubbed. You never saw people so pleased. (Elaine returns from the bathroom.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooh, so...I understand you're buying new shoes now at Botticelli's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Who told you that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Gail Cunningham. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't understand, why is this woman talking about my shoes? Why are my shoes a topic of conversation? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know, we were just talking, and she mentioned how you're buying your shoes now at Botticelli's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> "How I'm buying my shoes now at Botticelli's!" Did you hear this? (Shoves Jerry and Kramer.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what?! She is talking about my shoes! She is discussing my shoes! It is nobody's business where I buy my shoes! (Storms over to the couch and angrily sits down. Jerry, Kramer and George look at Elaine from the kitchen, comically puzzled by her outburst...) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Gail cooking in the kitchen at Pfeiffer's Restaurant. Elaine marches in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! Gail! <b> </b><b> GAIL </b> Elaine...! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why are you talking about my shoes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GAIL </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My Botticelli shoes. You've been talking about my Botticelli shoes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GAIL </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you or did you not tell Kramer that I got my shoes at Botticelli's? (A waiter comes over and puts a plate of food on Gail's cutting board.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITER </b> Too spicy. He wants another one. You got that pasta primavera? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GAIL </b> Look Elaine, I am very busy here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who else have you mentioned my shoes to, huh? I wanna know why my footwear is your conversation! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GAIL </b> I am not discussing this. This is insane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITER </b> You got that pasta primavera? Let's go! (Gail passes the plate to the waiter in front of Elaine. Elaine sneezes on it. The waiter brings the pasta to the dining room and serves it to Russell Dalrymple, the president of NBC.) Here you are, Mr. Dalrymple. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> WAITER </b> Sorry for the delay. Enjoy your lunch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Jerry and George arrive at Dalrymple's apartment to discuss the script. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Well, come in. (They shake hands.) Awfully sorry to make you come up here, but I really wasn't feeling well enough to go back to the office, and well, it's the only chance I have to meet with you this week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you alright? <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Well, it's my stomach. I think there must have been something in the pasta primavera I had for lunch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where did you eat? <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Pfeiffer's. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah. I know the chef there. <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Yeah. The food's usually terrific. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My cousin worked for Bouchard's. They used to use the bouilla-base for a toilet. (Jerry and Russell are shocked.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> What are you saying? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you didn't hear it from me, but needless to say, if you go in there - stick with the consumee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Well, we'd better get started, my daughter's going to be here soon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you have a daughter? <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Yeah, she just turned fifteen last week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw, that's a fun age. (Jerry looks at George distastefully.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Alright. The script. Now, I've read this thing three times...and everytime I read it...(looks nauseous, struggles not to vomit.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Excuse me for a second. (Gets up and runs to the bathroom.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would you like a Pepto-Bismol? I keep them in my wallet...! (Russell goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.) (To Jerry) Do you think he liked it? (From the bathroom, we hear Russell violently heaving his guts.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not sure. (The sounds of Russell vomiting emanate from the bathroom. Jerry and George sit there uncomfortably.) What was that dish he said he had...? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pasta primavera. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah. You know, 'primavera' is Italian for 'spring.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Really, I'm terribly sorry, it just, uh...all of a sudden it just hit me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, you were saying how, um...about the script... <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Right. The script. Your script needs some...it needs, um...(looks nauseous again. Gets up and runs to the bathroom a second time.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> More jokes? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Another ending? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A different name for the butler? (Russell throws up again.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe we should go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We haven't heard his notes yet, we don't know how he feels about our work. (Russell throws up yet again.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Oh God. Oh my god. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't listen to anymore of this, the guy's losing a lung in there. (Russell's daughter Molly enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MOLLY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> MOLLY </b> I'm Molly. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm Jerry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're here discussing our script with your father. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He just read it. (Russell vomits again. Jerry and George look ashamed.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MOLLY </b> Daddy? Are you okay? <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Yeah, sweetie. I'm fine. (Molly sits on the back of the chair.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, you live with your mother, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MOLLY </b> Uh, yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid. Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know. (Russell comes out of the bathroom.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MOLLY </b> Daddy, are you alright? What's the matter? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> It's just a stomach thing. <b> </b><b> MOLLY </b> Yuck. <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> We're going to have to do this some other time, so if you'll give me your number, I'll call you later. (Jerry and George nod. Molly takes her jacket off.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, suddenly I'm in the mood for pasta primavera myself. (Jerry nudges George to sneak a peek at Molly's cleavage as she bends over and looks in her backpack. Jerry has a quick look, but George stares, hypnotized. Russell comes up behind George.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Get a good look, Costanza? <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What were you doing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it's not my fault. You poked me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're supposed to just take a peek after a poke. You were like you just put a quarter into one of those big metal things on top of the Empire State Building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's cleavage. I couldn't look away. What am I, waiting to win an Oscar here? This is all I have in my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. So, he caught me in a cleavage peek, so big deal. Who wouldn't look at his daughter's cleavage? She's got nice cleavage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's why I poked. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's why I peeked. (Jerry opens the door to take some trash out, and meets Kramer and Gail in the hallway.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GAIL </b> Hey! What is with your friend Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GAIL </b> She comes to my restaurant, comes right in my kitchen, and starts complaining that I'm talking about her shoes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Right in the kitchen. Disgraceful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GAIL </b> I don't want people coming into my kitchen. I think she might have sneezed all over someone's pasta primavera. Someone might have gotten sick because of her. (Kramer and Gail exit.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pasta primavera? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that what she said? (Kramer pokes his head back in the door.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She's somethin', huh? She's a wild one. She's wearin' me out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She is? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She's sensual. You know, with the...cooking and all. (Kramer grins happily at Jerry and leaves. The phone rings. Jerry tosses the trashbag to George.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? Oh, hi Stu. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> From NBC? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. What's goin' on? What? Really? Oh my god....did he give you a reason?...Oh boy. Okay. Alright. Thanks. (hangs up.) Dalrymple just cancelled the pilot. (George drops the bag, shocked.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Commercial break. <b> </b> New scene - Jerry, George and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If you hadn't gone into her restaurant, this never would have happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look, I don't like people talking about my shoes behind my back, okay? My shoes are my business. The two of you shouldn't have been looking at some fifteen year-old's cleavage anyway! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He poked me! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There was cleavage in the area. That's a reflex - (mimics nudging someone with an elbow) - cleavage-poke, cleavage-poke... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But she was fifteen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't consider age in the face of cleavage. This occurs on a molecular level, you can't control it! We're like some kind of weird fish where the eyes operate independently of the head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, what's the difference. What are we gonna do now? He won't take our calls, we can't get into his office... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know what we could do? He eats at that restaurant, Pfeiffer's? We could have Gail call us, tell us the next time he's there, go there and talk to him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, now you're onto something. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The whole thing is so stupid. Like he wouldn't do the same thing if Elaine walked by in a low-cut dress. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Well, maybe not Elaine, but...somebody like Gail, though. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What do you mean, Gail? (Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yah-hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, listen, I want you to ask Gail to do me a favor. The next time Russell Dalrymple comes in the restaurant, ask her if she would call me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, I'll call her right now. (Kramer goes back to his apartment.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you mean, Gail? You don't think I can attract attention? You don't think I can put asses in the seats? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, sweetheart, you know you've got it all. But let's face it... (Kramer comes back.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She said she'll do it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Beautiful. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But she wants the shoes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She says she wants those shoes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She wants my shoes? What kind of person is this? Alright! She is not getting 'em! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, come on! I'll buy you another pair! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, these were the last pair of these that they had! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll get you another one just like it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, but these were the only really cool ones like this! Don't you see how everybody likes 'em and how everybody talks about 'em? (Jerry, realizing Elaine's motivation, sits at the counter unbelievingly.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine, this pilot...it doesn't matter to me, it's not me I'm concerned about...it's my mother. I've been over to the hospital to see her... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah, because she caught you jer <b> - </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Never mind! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, come on, wait a second, this whole thing is ridiculous. How do I even know she wears the same size? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, what size are you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Seven-and-a-half. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Eh! Bingo. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Gail in the kitchen at Pfeiffer's. She notices Dalrymple being shown to his table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GAIL </b> Sauce this. (Goes to the telephone and dials.) Yeah, he's here. Oh, and one more thing...bring the shoes. (Hangs up.) <b> </b><b> </b> Continuation of last scene - Russell eating at the restaurant. Jerry and George arrive. Jerry hands the shoes to Gail, and they walk over to Russell's table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! Whattaya know! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look who's here! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fancy meeting you here! <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Oh. Hello. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pasta primavera! Back on the horse. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, it's a funny thing, because after the pilot got cancelled, we hadn't heard from you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Didn't hear anything... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Didn't know...we were wondering...what happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> It just didn't seem to be the right project for us right now. (Elaine walks by in a low-cut dress. Jerry and George look at her as she moves to the table opposite Russell.) So, what were you saying? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh...uh, because if it had anything at all to do with what you perceived as me leering at your daughter, I really have to take issue with that. I did not leer. (To Jerry) Did I leer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No leer. (Elaine comes over to Russell's table.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Excuse me, are you using that ketchup? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Uh, no. (Elaine takes the ketchup and goes back to her table.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because, if I'm looking straight ahead, and something enters my field of vision, that's merely a happenstance. (Elaine loudly snaps and unfolds her napkin at the next table to get Russell's attention.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Under the circumstances, I don't really feel that we should be in business together. (Elaine comes back over.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Here's your ketchup back. You know, I had the hardest time trying to get some out. I mean, I just kept pounding and pounding on the bottom of it. Do you have any trouble? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you have a...ketchup secret? <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> No, I... (finally notices Elaine)...don't have a ketchup secret. (Smiles.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because if you do have a ketchup secret, I would really, really like to know what it is. (Russell is pleased, and smiles at Elaine. Elaine goes back to her table, sits down, and waves at Russell.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Field of vision, huh? <b> </b><b> </b> Commercial break. <b> </b> New scene - Jerry, George and Elaine having dinner at Pfeiffer's. Gail comes over to the table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GAIL </b> How's everything? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mmmm. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This pasta primavera is fabulous. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Very tasty. <b> </b><b> GAIL </b> How'd everything go with that NBC guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Great. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The pilot's back on. In fact, Elaine's going out with him tomorrow night. (Gail nods and walks away.) Listen, Elaine, if Russell mentions anything about the pilot, you'll of course tell him how much you liked it...? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, I happen to have the script right here with me and, uh...on page 3, for example, suppose the Elaine character comes in wearing a...a low-cut dress. And the butler is very distracted, and can't work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh...that kind of comedy, that's a little broad for us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I'm sure it's right up Russell's alley. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it's a funny idea. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's funny! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> C'mon, funny is funny. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Funny is funny, we're here to entertain, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, maybe I'll mention it to Russell tomorrow night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If you can. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Where's he taking you, by the way? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bouchard's, on 53rd. (George starts choking on his wine, and attempts to tell Elaine something.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think what he's trying to say is, "get the bouilla-base." (George nods 'yes' and continues to choke.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Shoes Script

1993-11-02

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE OUTING </b> Written by Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know about you, but I'm getting sick of pretending to be excited <b> </b><b> </b> every time it's somebody's birthday, you know what I mean? What is the <b> </b><b> </b> big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born? <b> </b><b> </b> Every year, over and over... All you did was not die for twelve months. <b> </b><b> </b> That's all you've done, as far as I can tell. Now those astrology <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> things where they tell you all the people that have the same birthday as <b> </b><b> </b> you? It's always an odd group of people too, isn't it? It's like Ed <b> </b><b> </b> Asner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George dropping off his date for the night) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> I don't want to *live*! I don't want to *live*! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because of me? You must be joking! Who wouldn't want to live because <b> </b><b> </b> of me? I'm nothing! <b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> No... You're *something*. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and <b> </b><b> </b> hit someone better than me. I'm no good! <b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> You're good. You're *good*! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm bad. I'm *bad*! <b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> You're *killing* me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. She threatened <b> </b><b> </b> to kill herself. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Over you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine and George exchange thoughts on what they got Jerry for his birthday) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got two tickets to see "Guys And Dolls". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I got him a two-line phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry returns to the booth and explains the phone call.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Unbelievable! She's not there. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What paper does she write for? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The works for the NYU school newspaper. She's a grad student in <b> </b><b> </b> journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me, has <b> </b><b> </b> no idea who I am. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Never even seen you? Gotta kinda envy that... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y'know, you've been developing quite the acid-tongue lately... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Proudly) Really? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Living or all time? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All time. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends <b> </b><b> </b> with Brezhnev. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Y'know, just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean you <b> </b><b> </b> should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, whaddya say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (indignantly) What's the matter with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (quietly) C'mon, go along... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose- <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEPPING PAST ME </b> "C'mon Jerry, go along, go along..." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y'know I hear that all the time. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hear what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That I'm gay. People think I'm gay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And you get along well with women. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I guess that leaves me in the clear... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno <b> </b><b> </b> actor. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, what? "Buck Naked"? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, how did you know that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You told me that already like two months ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Allison bought it for me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How you gonna get out of *that* one? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I dunno. I guess I have to wait for her to die. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's gonna hang around if that's alright with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHARON </b> Sure, I'd like to talk to him, too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry did you wash this pear? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I washed it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It looks like it hasn't been washed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So *wash* *it*. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You hear the way he talks to me? <b> </b><b> SHARON </b> You should hear how *my* boyfriend talks to me... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEROGE </b> Let me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHARON </b> It's nice. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry said he didn't like it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was O.K... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, you said you didn't like it... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, so what if I don't like it. Is that like the end of the world, or <b> </b><b> </b> something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHARON </b> So how did you two meet? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually, we met in the gym locker room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes <b> </b><b> </b> and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and <b> </b><b> </b> then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever <b> </b><b> </b> since. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHARON </b> Do you guys live together? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (quizzically) Live together? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I got my own place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHARON </b> And do your parents know? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Know *what*? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My parents? They don't know *what's* goin' on... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on <b> </b><b> </b> us. I *knew* you looked familiar! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing <b> </b><b> </b> for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my <b> </b><b> </b> friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> there's anything wrong with that... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, of course not... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean that's fine if that's who you are... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Absolutely... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean I have many gay friends... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My *father* is gay... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHARON </b> Look, I know what I heard. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was a *joke*... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were going to take a steam! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No steam! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I don't want to sit there naked all by myself! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Happy birthday paruba! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Today's not my birthday. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I beg to differ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at this! A phone! A two-line phone! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, where you going? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I gotta go return something... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHARON </b> Jerry, it's Sharon from NYU. I'm just calling to tell you that I'm not <b> </b><b> </b> going to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you very much, that's great- )click( Oh! Hold on a sec, I got <b> </b><b> </b> a call on the other line. )click click( Hello? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that reporter from the newspaper on <b> </b><b> </b> the other line. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, what did she say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She says she's not going to play up that angle of the story. She <b> </b><b> </b> thinks we're heterosexual. (sarcastically) I guess we *fooled* her. <b> </b><b> </b> I'll get rid of her, hold on... )click click( Sharon? Hello? Sharon, <b> </b><b> </b> are you there? )click click( I'm back... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Y'know... I could hear you on the other line... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you talkin' about? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I heard what you said: "Sharon, are you there?". <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You heard me talkin' on the other line, are you sure? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, I heard you! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, maybe she was disconnected. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the whole conversation! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, hang on. Let me call Kramer and see if you can hear anything, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> hold on. )click click click(... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yello? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, there may be a problem with the phone, hold on. )click click( <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "There may be a problem with the phone, hold on"! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh no! )click click( Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk, goodbye! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye"! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh no! Now she's heard everything! What are we gonna do?!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now she thinks we're gay, not that there's anything wrong with it... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, of course not! People's personal sexual preferences are <b> </b><b> </b> nobody's business but their own! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHARON </b> Why don't you take a seat? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thank-you. <b> </b><b> SHARON </b> Why don't you take your coat off? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So she kept insisting I take off my coat. I refused, and then she <b> </b><b> </b> forcibly tried to get me to remove it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She wouldn't take her coat off at my house, either. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Y'know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on <b> </b><b> </b> in somebody's house, the families go to war! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Not that there's anything wrong with that... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not at all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Two tickets to "Guys And Dolls"! I'm gonna go with you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Guys And Dolls"? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway musical? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's "Guys And *Dolls*", not "Guys And *Guys*". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "The Collected Works Of Bette Midler". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you got there? <b> </b><b> MAN #1 </b> _The New York Post_, they've got an article about you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his <b> </b><b> </b> long-time *companion* seem to be inseparable..." Oh no! The Associated <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Press picked up the NYU story. That's going to be in every paper! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I've been "outed"! I wasn't even "in"! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now everyone's going to think we're gay! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not that there's anything wrong with that... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, not at all... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> 54) </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor *pad*, Seinfeld and <b> </b><b> </b> Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of *fruit* like an old <b> </b><b> </b> married couple--" *I told you that pear was washed*! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought we were friends... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here we go... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not true! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! C'mon, Jerry, the <b> </b><b> </b> masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So are you... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> MRS. S </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mrs. Seinfeld?!? <b> </b><b> MRS. S </b> Oh, my God... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, my God! (takes the phone) Ma? <b> </b><b> MRS. S </b> Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ma! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, my God! My *MOTHER*!!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. S </b> Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ma, it's not true! <b> </b><b> MR. S </b> It's those damn culottes you made him wear when he was five! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. S </b> They weren't culottes, they were shorts. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. S </b> They were culottes! You bought them in the girl's department. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. S </b> By mistake! By mistake, Jerry! I'm sorry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. S </b> It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ma, it has nothing to do with the culottes! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. S </b> Not that there's anything wrong with that, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. C </b> I open up the paper, and *this* is what I have to read about? I fell <b> </b><b> </b> right off the toilet. My back went out again, I couldn't move... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The super had to come and get help me up. I was half naked! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEROGE </b> It's *not* *true*! <b> </b><b> MRS. C </b> Every *day* it's something else with you. I don't know anything about <b> </b><b> </b> you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who <b> </b><b> </b> knows *what* you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. I'm Buck Naked. <b> </b><b> MRS. C </b> Jerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin. Not that there's anything <b> </b><b> </b> wrong with it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course not... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NURSE </b> 6:30, Scott. Time for your sponge bath. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, now the play is tomorrow night. So do you want to have dinner <b> </b><b> </b> first, or do you just want to meet at the theatre? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SAILOR </b> Excuse me, sir? I don't mean to bother you. I just wanted you to <b> </b><b> </b> know that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did, and that <b> </b><b> </b> you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a <b> </b><b> </b> discharge from the service. Thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y'know, I think I'll pass on the "Guys And Dolls"... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. Just imagine her reaction. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, my God... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She hasn't seen the article! When she sees it, she's gonna think-- <b> </b><b> </b> *I'm out baby*!! I'm out!!!!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> Yeah? So? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah so?? <b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> Well this is nice. They mention your name. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what that's <b> </b><b> </b> implying? <b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> No, what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> You're *gay*? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> (matter-of-factly) I don't believe it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't believe me? Ask Jerry. <b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> I will. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you mean you will? That's a bad idea. Jerry is a very <b> </b><b> </b> private person. <b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> (Grabs George's lapels) I want to hear it from *Jerry*... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> 11) </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHARON </b> Oh, can you ever forgive me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno... (they kiss again) *Alright*, I forgive you... <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHARON </b> Y'know the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What!? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're with a *woman*! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know! What are you doin' here?!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do! I <b> </b><b> </b> trusted you! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (forcibly removing G. from the apt) Would you get the Hell out of <b> </b><b> </b> here! <b> </b><b> SHARON </b> What's going on? <b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> Yeah, what's going on? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, tell her. Go ahead. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tell her what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Y'know. About *us*. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not gay. My name's Buck Naked, <b> </b><b> </b> I'm a porno actor. <b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> *Really*? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We'll see you later... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's the *phone* man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Not that there's anything wrong with that... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I am not gay. I am, however, thin, single and neat. Sometimes when <b> </b><b> </b> someone is thin, single and neat people assume they are gay because that <b> </b><b> </b> is a stereotype. They normally don't think of gay people as fat, sloppy <b> </b><b> </b> and married. Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the stereotype. I'm sure they are the minority though within the gay <b> </b><b> </b> community. They're probably discriminated against because of that, <b> </b><b> </b> people say to them "Y'know Joe, I enjoy being gay with you but I think <b> </b><b> </b> think it's about time, y'know that you got in shape, tucked the shirt <b> </b><b> </b> in and lost the wife". But if people are even going to assume that <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> think Joe might be a little... (waves hand back and forth)", they should <b> </b><b> </b><b> VACUUM </b> "Y'know I think Joe might be )vroom( (makes vacuuming motion). <b> </b><b> </b> Yeah, I got a feeling he's a little )vrooom(..." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Outing Script

1993-02-18

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE OLD MAN </b> Written by Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when <b> </b><b> </b> they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones <b> I </b><b> </b><b> </b> like the same way I do with the ones I don't like? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll <b> </b><b> </b> *all* be over... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, how about a mute? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A mute would be good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, where you gonna meet a mute? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is what my life has come to... Tryin to meet a mute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's a void, Jerry, <b> </b><b> </b> there's a void... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A deep, yawning chasm... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on <b> </b><b> </b> top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey boys! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! How you doin'? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Good. Okay, well, it's all set. I start tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Start what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I signed up to do volunteer work with senior citizens. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> *Really*. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. God, I can't tell you how I feel! I mean, I feel *so* <b> </b><b> </b> *good*! I *really* feel good. The strange thing is, I mean, I <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> haven't even met the woman yet. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Volunteer work, huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What're you gonna do down there? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, they say all it is is that you go over to their apartment and, <b> </b><b> </b> I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee and <b> </b><b> </b> it's supposed to make them feel good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's what I do with him (points at George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When did you get this idea? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Last time I had lunch with you here. You were going *on* and *on* <b> </b><b> </b> and *on* about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> English. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, do you break it in with her, then you try it out on me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And... and anybody can do this? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yup. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Helping people... Of course. Of course! It makes perfect sense! <b> </b><b> </b> How could I *not* be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, Dammit! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To Jerry) What about you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, it's not for me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What *kind* of a person are you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think I'm pretty much like you-- only successful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AGENCY REP </b> This is a wonderful thing you're doing. They're so grateful <b> </b><b> </b> just to have someone to talk to. And I can tell you that <b> </b> everyone who participates finds the experience extremely <b> </b> rewarding. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I feel better already. I'm feelin' like a good person. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AGENCY REP </b> Good luck. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, what's your guy's name again? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fields. Sidney Fields. *87* years old. *87*. How about your <b> </b><b> </b> guy? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ben Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll make it to that age? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> *We*? No. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So what's up, Diggity Dog? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George and I just signed up with the Senior Citizen's Volunteer <b> </b><b> </b> Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, that's too bad. Now don't say I didn't try to warn you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What're you talkin' about? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, Jerry, I'm *surprised* at you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's a *con*. These agencies are usually a front for some money <b> </b><b> </b> laundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out of <b> </b><b> </b> their life savings, oh *yeah*. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where do you *get* this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Kramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?! Kramer!!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm in here. C'mon... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, *Newman*... <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Jerry, George. (To Kramer) So, did you ask him about the records? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well-- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What records? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, Newman and I are going partners selling used records. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You know Ron's Records down on Bleeker? They pay big cash for used <b> </b><b> </b> records! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, so we thought if you had any of those big, y'know, old- <b> </b><b> </b> fashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around-- <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Y'know, we'd take them off your hands, free of charge. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I'm a United States postal worker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a <b> </b><b> </b> gun and shoot everybody? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Sometimes... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why *is* that? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and <b> </b><b> </b> coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the <b> </b><b> </b> more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar <b> </b><b> </b> code reader breaks and it's *Publisher's Clearing House* day!!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RON </b> I'll give you five bucks. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Five bucks??? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, you know how much those records are worth!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RON </b> Yeah, I do... Fi' dollars. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Those records are worth more than five dollars! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (In Newman's ear) He's gyppin' us... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You're gyppin' us! <b> </b><b> RON </b> Well, whattya got here, y'know, you got "Don Ho: Live At Honolulu", <b> </b><b> </b> you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio Mendes, <b> </b><b> </b> now come on... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait, wait, wait... Sergio Mendes has a cult following. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> They follow him like a cult. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He can't even walk down the street in South America... <b> </b><b> </b><b> RON </b> Look, that's his problem, alright? Now you don't like it, too bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (In Newman's ear) I don't like it... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I don't like it. <b> </b><b> RON </b> Well, then get the Hell out of my store, alright? You bring me <b> </b><b> </b> something decent, I'll give you some money. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (In Newman's ear) Alright, well be back, jack. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Alright, well be back... *jack*! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOUSEKEEPER </b> Agency? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, is this Sid Field's residence? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HOUSEKEEPER </b> Sid Fields. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SID </b> What the *Hell* is it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mr. Fields? <b> </b><b> SID </b> What!?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SID </b> Agency? What agency? The *CIA*? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, the-- <b> </b><b> SID </b> Who let you in here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The woman, she-- <b> </b><b> SID </b> Oh *her*. She *steals* from me. Steals my money. She says she <b> </b><b> </b> doesn't speak English. My *ass* she doesn't speak English. Plays <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as Hell <b> </b><b> </b> wasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SID </b> Oh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend. <b> </b><b> </b> Are you going to *kill* me? I'm an old man for crying out loud, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!? (Jerry gets out card) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, Mr. Field, look, really I'm-- <b> </b><b> SID </b> I can't read that you fool... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's all this stuff? <b> </b><b> SID </b> Trash. Garbage. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're throwin' this out?? <b> </b><b> SID </b> I believe that's what you do with garbage, you idiot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't want any of this? <b> </b><b> SID </b> Well if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing it away, *Ein-stein*. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know I have some friends who would really like to have these. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SID </b> Well, take it. I'm sure as Hell not going to give it to my family. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, do you want to go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee... <b> </b><b> </b><b> SID </b> With you? I'd rather be dead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just remembered I got an <b> </b><b> </b> appointment to get my, um, tonsils out. <b> </b><b> SID </b> Good. Thank God. Good riddance. (pause) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? <b> HAA!! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> No, I feel great for 85. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Y'know the average life span for an American male is like, 72. <b> </b><b> </b> You're really... kinda pushin' the envelope there. <b> </b><b> BEN </b> I'm not afraid of dyin'. I never think about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't? Boy, I think about it a lot. I think about it at my <b> </b><b> </b> age. Imagine how much I'll be thinkin' about it at your age. All <b> </b><b> </b> I'll do is keep thinkin' about it until it drives me insane... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> I'm grateful for every moment I have. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Grateful? How can you be grateful when you're *so* close to the <b> </b><b> </b> end? When you know that any second-- Poof! Bamm-O! It can all be <b> </b><b> </b> over. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting on the <b> </b><b> </b> wall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake... <b> </b><b> BEN </b> I guess I just don't care. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in <b> </b><b> </b> the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any <b> </b><b> </b> *sense*?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> that you don't know what you're talkin about Anymore!!?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a second, where are you going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> Life's too short to waste on you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute, please-- <b> </b><b> BEN </b> Get out of my way... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But Mr. Cantwell, you... you owe me for the soup... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mrs. Oliver? <b> </b><b> MRS. O </b> Yes my dear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ooh! <b> </b><b> MRS. O </b> What's the trouble? Are you alright? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. <b> </b><b> MRS. O </b> It's my goiter, isn't it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you say goiter? What goiter? <b> </b><b> MRS. O </b> This football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, *that* goiter. Hey... Heh heh heh... Whaddya know... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. O </b> Does it bother you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a little goiter like that <b> </b><b> </b> bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> want to know something? I, I wish I had one. (pause) Really. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (END Act I) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't look the woman in the <b> </b><b> </b> face. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they send <b> </b><b> </b><b> YOU OVER THERE </b> "Oh, by the way, this woman *almost* has a second <b> </b><b> </b> head". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They really should mention that in the breakdown: height, weight, <b> </b><b> </b> goiter. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Y'know you try to do some good. You want to be a good person but <b> </b><b> </b> this is too much to ask. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice <b> </b><b> </b> disposition than the nut they sent me to. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey Georgie, what happened with your guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't think it's gonna work out... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Whattya mean? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He fired me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He fired you?!? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> *How* do you get fired from a volunteer job? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I dunno. I was just talking to the man and he walked out on me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I dunno about you two, but I'm quitting. I hate my guy. <b> </b><b> </b> He's a mean, mean guy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I wish I could quit... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So quit! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. <b> </b><b> </b> I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my <b> </b><b> </b> grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, here's your *albums* (Journey "Escape" is on top, BTW...) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Five dollars. He offered us *five* dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, what kind of stuff are you listening to? You *embarrassed* me <b> </b><b> </b> at that store. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> That guy thought we were a couple of total squares. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, you and your *Sergio Mendes*... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in <b> </b><b> </b> South America! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you shoulda seen the pile of albums this old guy I was <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jolson, Benny Goodman... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin them out?? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, and then I asked him if my friend could have them and he <b> </b><b> </b> said yeah. <b> </b> Kramer Okay... <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (In Kramer's ear) The old coot's sittin' on a mountain of gold! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you're going to have to go get em. I'm not carryin' them <b> </b><b> </b> all. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, but you've gotta come with us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact you should see this house <b> </b><b> </b> keeper he's got. She's from Senegal (and, ala Carson) Wild, Wild, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Stuff... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Senegal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you don't speak *any* English at all? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HOUSEKEEPER </b> English? No. <b> </b><b> SID </b> Hey, what are those bums doin' back there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you said they could come and take the records. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SID </b> It's like watchin' a couple of hyenas goin' through the garbage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't speak *any* English? <b> </b><b> HOUSEKEEPER </b> No English. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over <b> </b><b> </b> your body. <b> </b> (No reaction) You don't understand! It's a miracle! You <b> </b> don't understand because you don't speak English! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So Mr. Fields I just don't know if this arrangement is-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> SID </b> Hey, I don't like what's goin' on around here. I want all you bums <b> </b><b> </b> outta here. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now calm down, Mr. Fields... <b> </b><b> SID </b> Now don't tell me to calm down... Get your hands off of me! Why you <b> </b><b> </b> little... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oooow! He's biting me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SID </b> My teeth! My teeth! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where's his teeth! Where's his teeth! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I thought I saw something fly over here... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well turn the light on... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's the garbage disposal! <b> </b><b> SID </b> My teeth! You idiots!!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. O </b> And we would take long automobile trips-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. O </b> Staring out the window-- <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh huh... <b> </b><b> MRS. O </b> You'd see a long view of rolling pastures and-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, that'll get you goin' right there... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. O </b> Big, roaming cows-- <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Cows, well that's fascinating... <b> </b><b> MRS. O </b> That's when I began my affair with Mohandas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> MRS. O </b> Mohandas. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ghandhi? <b> </b><b> MRS. O </b> Oh, the *passion*. The *forbidden pleasure*-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You had an affair with Ghandhi? <b> </b><b> MRS. O </b> He used to dip his bald head in oil and rub it all over my body. <b> </b><b> </b> Here, look... (shows Elaine a picture of the two together) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, my God... The Mohatma? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RON </b> Twenty bucks. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Twenty bucks?!? Are you out of your mind? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RON </b> Well, take it or leave it. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Take it or leave it!? We got *Al Jolson* here, *Al Jolson*!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> RON </b> Now what the Hell do I care about Al Jolson. I'd just assume her <b> </b><b> </b> you sing "Mammy". Heh heh heh... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (In Newman's ear) This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap... <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You are nothing but a piece of crap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RON </b> Pardon me? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (In Newman's ear) A piece of crap... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> A piece of crap. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (In Newman's ear) I find you extremely ugly... <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I find you extremely ugly. <b> </b><b> RON </b> *Do* you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (In Newman's ear) You emit a foul and unpleasant odour... <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You emit a foul and unpleasant odour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RON </b> Oh, is that right? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (In Newman's ear) I *loathe* you... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I *loathe* you. <b> </b><b> RON </b> That's it. Get out of my store! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (In Newman's ear) Make us. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Make us! <b> </b><b> RON </b> Oh, I'll make you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AGENCY REP </b> Do you realize how irresponsible this is? Our agency's sole <b> </b><b> </b> purpose is to care for senior citizens. And in one fell swoop <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you've single- handedly destroyed our reputation. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, but-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Into intercom) Yes? <b> </b><b> TIM </b> It's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, c'mon up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Rep) I dunno what happened, we were just trying to take <b> </b><b> </b> him to the dentist. <b> </b><b> AGENCY REP </b> Why were you taking him to the dentist? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Um, well, his false teeth got mangled up in the garbage <b> </b><b> </b> disposal-- <b> </b><b> AGENCY REP </b> What were his false teeth doing in the garbage disposal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, after he bit my friend-- <b> </b><b> AGENCY REP </b> Bit your friend?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> What the *Hell* is going on here? How do you *lose* a human <b> </b><b> </b> being?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I, I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> And who were these other people. What were they doing in the <b> </b><b> </b> apartment!? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I brought them up there to take his records-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Take his *records*? Do you realize how valuable that record <b> </b><b> </b> collection is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There you are. Did you find him? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, y'know we took the old man's records over to Ron's and he <b> </b><b> </b> tried to *screw* us so we got in a fight. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It was a real melee. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, a real brouhaha... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Scene of George on couch with the maid rubbing oil on his head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Old Man Script

1993-02-25

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE IMPLANT </b> Written by Peter Mehlman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> The cosmetic surgery procedures that are available to people today - liposuction, are you familiar with this? This is a fat-sucking machine. Now you know, somewhere, somebody is working on a way that this thing could go into a restaurant. And you could just order it off the menu. 'I tell you what, give me the cheesecake, crank me up to nine, and put a scoop of ice cream on the side.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Opening scene - Sidra on a Stairmaster at the New York Health Club. Jerry enters after his workout w/gymbag in hand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Oh, hi Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, Sidra. I usually last about ten minutes on a Stairmaster. Unless of course there's someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Really. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah. That's why they call it a Stairmaster. You get up there and you stare. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Well, I'm done. I think I'm gonna go take a sauna. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I'll see you Thursday night, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Thursday night. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b> Elaine walks over to Jerry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Good workout? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tremendous workout. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's a pretty girl. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tremendous girl. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She's the one you went out with last night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. I really like her. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, uh...they're fake. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? Don't say that! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nah! They're fake! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you know? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can tell. You know how you're always bragging how you can spot a lesbian? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not bragging, I happen to have a very keen lesbian eye. (A woman walks by Jerry and Elaine.) Hi, how ya doin.' (Jerry jerks a thumb at the woman to confirm his talent. Elaine is skeptical.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, right. C'mon, don't you think they seem a bit too perfect? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, they do! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I never knew you were so into breasts. I thought you were a leg man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs. Have you ever seen her naked in the locker room? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, well, then I can't accept your testimony. Maybe if you had seen her naked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't want to see her naked. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I do. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, that's your problem. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, you made the allegation. The least you could do is follow up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna go in there and spy on her in the sauna? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes! Go in there! Do a little investigative journalism. I need to know! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But a few more dates and you can find out for yourself! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't be so sure. Look at George - he's on his ninth date with Betsy, he still hasn't gotten anywhere with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's his problem? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, every time he tries to make a move, something screws up. Like on their last date, they were on the couch, but she was sitting on his wrong side. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wrong side? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand. Can't go left. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He can't go left. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No! I'm lefty, can't go right. What about women? Do they go left or right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nah, we just play defense. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - George and Betsy at Betsy's apartment. George tries to make it to the right-hand side of the couch, but Betsy beats him to it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can I ask you a question? Would you mind switching seats? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BETSY </b> Oh, actually, I really prefer to sit here. I don't hear very well out of this ear (points to her right ear) so, I always try to sit to the right of people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll shout. <b> </b><b> BETSY </b> Well, I really think I feel more comfortable here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> C'mon, c'mon...(stands up and physically rolls Betsy to the left side of the couch.) See, now, is that so bad? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BETSY </b> What? (The phone rings.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, the machine'll get it... <b> </b><b> BETSY </b> No, no, it's not on... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They'll call back. <b> </b><b> BETSY </b> But George, what if it's an emergency? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> In the whole world right now, there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think, on this entire planet, that you're one of those three? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BETSY </b> George, please. (Gets up and answers the phone.) Hello? What? (shocked) Oh my god! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, maybe four. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Elaine at the health club, in the sauna with Sidra and some other women. We hear her thoughts. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE'S BRAIN </b> Boy, I'm really sweatin.' Good sweat, beads of sweat...sweatin' bullets. (Notices Sidra.) Look at her. I don't need to see her naked to know those aren't real. Why does she need to tie the towel around her? She's got a rack on her chest. (Sidra takes her towel off and lies down.) Oh god! Sidra's takin' the towel off! (Looks at Sidra's chest.) Whoa, doctor! That's it, I knew it! I knew it, they're definitely fake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to George and Betsy at her apartment. Betsy's still on the phone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BETSY </b> So, when's the funeral? Well, Aunt Clarice was so ill, I guess it was really a blessing. (George, on the couch behind Betsy, is impatiently waiting for her to get off the phone so he can continue putting the moves on her. He shrugs, and crosses himself.) Yeah, I'll fly home as soon as I can. (George waves goodbye, and mimics a plane flying through the air with his hand.) O.k. You, too. Get some sleep. (Betsy looks at George, and he manufactures a completely phony look of sorrow.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're sure? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Positive! This chick's playin' with confederate money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well then, that's it. That's the end of that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Just 'cause of that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just 'cause of that? It's like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, come on! You've dated women with nosejobs, what's the difference? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't touch the nose! You don't aspire to reach the nose. You don't unhook anything to get to a nose, and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I take it very seriously. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. You know, I do kinda wonder what fake breast feel like. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I know what they feel like. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You? How do you know? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I lived in Los Angeles for three months. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought you hated Los Angeles. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I do! I just miss the warm weather, y'know? Jeez. Oh man, I wish I could get away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Real busy now down at the office? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. Huh? You know who I saw at the health club? Salman Rushdie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah right, Salman Rushdie. Yeah well, I can see that - you got five millions Moslems after you, you wanna stay in pretty good shape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Jerry, George and Kramer in the sauna at the health club. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know what the problem is - I like her too much. That's why I can't make a move. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You put her on a pedestal. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I put them on a dental chair. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He puts 'em on a dental chair. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not her boyfriend. I want to be her boyfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whoo. It's like a sauna in here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's funny. You're a funny guy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, funny. Yeah, I never heard that before. (To George) So, you goin' to the funeral? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why, you think I should? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, are you kidding? It's a golden opportunity to advance the relationship. She's crying, you put your arm around her and console her...you're the consolation guy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm the consolation guy...? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Consolation Guy is big. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Her aunt dying is the best thing that ever happened to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's like ten dates in one shot. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This confers upon you instant boyfriend status. The family's there...you're taking care of things...you're gettin' the sandwiches...you're the rock! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's in Detroit though, it's an expensive flight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why don't you get a "death in the family" fare? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> In fact, listen...I'll go down there with ya. You know, we'll tell them there's a death in my family, you buy the ticket, I'll split it...then I'll get the bonus miles and you'll get to Detroit for a quarter of the price! <b> </b><b> </b> (George considers.) <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Elaine in the sauna again. We hear her thoughts. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE'S BRAIN </b> Boy, I'm gettin' a good sweat here. Great sweat, good beads. Nice beads. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Sidra enters the sauna with a friend.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE'S BRAIN </b> Ah, look who's here. "Silicon Valley." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> So anyway, we go out on one date, he asks me out for a second, then out of nowhere he cancels the date and says he doesn't want to see me again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh...sorry, I couldn't help overhearing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Oh, that's o.k. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did he give you a reason? <b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Yeah. He's going back to his old girlfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> He said she's mentally ill. He's one of those guys who is obsessed with neatness and order? Everything has gotta be just so. He would have made a great Nazi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, does he ever talk about Superman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Yes! How did you know? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I know the type. <b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> So you can relate? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah. <b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> You know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hi. I'm Elaine. (Gets up to shake Sidra's hand, but stumbles and falls "right into them.") <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Commercial break. <b> </b> New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So anyway, I stood up to shake her hand, then suddenly I lost my balance and I fell right into her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You fell on her? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I touched 'em. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I...touched...'em. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You touched 'em?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I needed them to help me break my fall! If it hadn't been for them, I could have really injured myself! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Anyway...they're real. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think they might be real. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, what do you know, you have no breast touching experience. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've touched mine! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So have I. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, right...I forgot. (smiles) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anyway, touching two breasts doesn't make you an expert. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, well anyway, I think they're real. And if they are, I must say they are...spectacular. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw, what are you doin' to me? (puts his head down on the counter.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - George and Kramer at the airline ticket counter. Kramer is pretending to be grief-stricken. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You see, my friend here, his aunt passed away last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Oh, I'm very sorry. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I saw her last week, she looked healthy and peaceful, but...she knew... <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> You poor thing! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> I...I... </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't think you can buy the ticket yourself...? No, there, there...you sit, and I'll purchase the ticket for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> You're a good friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Yes, all you have to do is pay the full fare now, then return to any one of our counters with a copy of the death certificate, and we'll refund half your fare. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The death certificate? <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Yes, yes, we do need documentation or you know, people could take advantage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What kind of a sick person would do a thing like that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> I know! But it happens. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You want my friend to ask his uncle, a man who just lost his wife of 44 years, for a death certificate so that he can save a few bucks on a flight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> That would be $387 round-trip. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, so you'll need my frequent flyer number, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, one minute you say they're fake, the next minute you think they're real...I don't know what to believe! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's touched 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you were just grabbing on to them to save your life. If you were drowning and I threw you a life preserver, you think you could tell me if it was an inflatable? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I wouldn't have said anything if I knew you were going to stop seeing her! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I don't mind someone with a phony personality, but I gotta draw the line somewhere. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. George off to Detroit? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yep! And, in two days, I'm off to Puerto Rico. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey Kramer, by the way, I saw that guy at the health club...that is not Salman Rushdie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Pffft - wrong. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Kramer and Jerry at the health club. They see "Salman Rushdie" talking to Sidra. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's Sidra. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There's Salman. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Talkin' to that woman. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Talkin' to Sidra? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> If that's Sidra, she's talkin' to Salman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think that's Salman. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I don't think they're real. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If that's Rushdie, they're real. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> If they're real, that's Rushdie. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I gotta know - I'm talkin' to Sidra. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I gotta know, I'm talkin' to Salman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Kramer and "Salman" sitting in the sauna together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's like a sauna in here, huh? I feel like I'm...back at the desert. <b> </b><b> </b><b> "SALMAN" </b> You've lived in the desert? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've uh...I've spent a little time in the Mideast. You ever been to the Mideast? <b> </b><b> </b><b> "SALMAN" </b> Yes, I've been there. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My name's Kramer. <b> </b><b> "SALMAN" </b> Sal Bass. Pleased to meet you, Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, uh...what kind of work do you do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> "SALMAN" </b> I'm a writer. <b> </b><b> </b> New scene - George and Betsy at Aunt Clarice's wake in Detroit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BETSY </b> Have you met my boyfriend George? <b> </b><b> AUNT MAY </b> No! (shakes George's hand.) <b> </b><b> BETSY </b> George, this is Aunt May, and Father Jessup. Oh, and that's my brother, Timmy. (Timmy smiles thinly.) This is my boyfriend, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AUNT MAY </b> Oh George, how nice of you to come all this way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm the boyfriend. Otherwise, what's the point of being the boyfriend? This is where you have to be when you're the boyfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AUNT MAY </b> Betsy, dear, have you had anything to eat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BETSY </b> I'm not very hungry. <b> </b><b> AUNT MAY </b> They have some very nice snacks. <b> </b><b> FATHER JESSUP </b> I'm about to get myself a snack. <b> </b> (Betsy starts to go for a snack.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no, no, no...you sit right here...I will get you a nice snack. <b> </b><b> </b> (George goes into the other room and meets Father Jessup.) <b> </b><b> FATHER JESSUP </b> This is my third wake this month. It never gets any easier. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, losing a loved is, uh...I mean, forget about it. (Starts wolfing down the sandwiches.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> FATHER JESSUP </b> You seem to be of great comfort to Betsy, we're very appreciative. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh - comfort, schmomfort. Listen, Father, can I ask you a question? In a terrible time like this...who would I get the death certificate from? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Jerry and Kramer entering Jerry's apartment after returning from the health club. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> C'mon Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, how can you be so sure? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer. He said his name was Sal Bass. Bass, Jerry! Instead of salmon, he went with bass! He just substituted one fish for another! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, you idiot, first of all, it's Salman, not salmon! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, Jerry, you're missing the big picture! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, maybe it is, but listen, I gotta get ready - Sidra's coming over in a few minutes, so if you don't mind... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, did you ask her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm gonna find out tonight. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yes indeed... <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to George at the wake in Detroit. <b> </b><b> DR. ALLENWOOD </b> Why do you need a death certificate? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, Dr, Allenwood, uh...I was hoping to compile an - admittedly, rudimentary - scrapbook of her life. Something that Betsy could have, and hold onto. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DR. ALLENWOOD </b> Well, I suppose I could make a copy of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, that would be wonderful. <b> </b><b> DR. ALLENWOOD </b> It was very nice meeting you, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Likewise. <b> </b> (George walks over to the snack table as Timmy watches him from across the room. He takes a chip from the bowl, dips it, takes a bite, and then dips again. Timmy hurriedly comes over.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIMMY </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> TIMMY </b> Did...did you just double-dip that chip? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me? <b> </b><b> TIMMY </b> You double-dipped the chip! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "Double-dipped"? What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIMMY </b> You dipped the chip. You took a bite. (points at the dip) And you dipped again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So...? <b> </b><b> TIMMY </b> That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip - just take one dip and end it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...but I don't dip that way. (takes a chip.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIMMY </b> Oh, you don't, huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. (dips the chip) You dip the way you want to dip...(bites the chip) I'll dip the way I want to dip. (dips the chip again.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIMMY </b> Gimme the chip! (Grabs George and the chip goes flying.) Gimme the chip! (They struggle in front of the snack table.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> New scene - Night-time; Jerry and Sidra in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> I don't know what I'm doing here, I must be crazy. (Moves to the couch and sits on the left side. Jerry tries to run over and beat her to it, but doesn't make it. He sits down on the right side.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, would you mind switching seats? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I don't know...I just like sitting to the left of people, makes me feel like I'm driving. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> O.K....(they switch places.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How ya doin'? <b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Good. How you doin'? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good, feel good...you know that Jayne Mansfield had some big breasts. Really big, huge...just coming out the top of her dress, they were like, chokin' her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> I hear that's how she died. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have you noticed that women today are, you know, they seem...bigger. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Well, a lot of women are having them done. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you like that. <b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> A lot of people ask me if I've had mine done. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw, you know people. <b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> It gets a little tiring, it's really none of their business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, the nerve. You know, some people have asked me if you've uh, done that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> What do you tell them? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Whatever you want me to tell them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Well, I think you'll find out soon enough. (They prepare to kiss. There's a loud bang on the door.) Aren't you going to get that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> What if it's an emergency? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, there's no emergency... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry! C'mon, it's an emergency! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me. (Gets up and answers the door.) Alright, what is it? You're interrupting! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know, I'm packing for Puerto Rico, I need to borrow your bathing suit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is an emergency? You need a bathing suit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I like yours. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, my bathing suit? That's a little familiar, I don't want your...your boys down there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> C'mon, what's wrong with my boys? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your boys should stay in their neighborhood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, c'mon! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. It's in the top drawer. Hurry up. (Kramer goes to get the suit. Elaine enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, Jer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hi, Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh...hi, Sidra - <b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Hi...Elaine? (Kramer comes back into the living room.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm looking for Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, she was just showing me pictures of places I can visit when I go to Puerto Rico...you know, when you two went down there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. yeah. Alright. (pushes Kramer and Elaine out the door, then sits next to Sidra on the couch.) So, where were we? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> I was just leaving. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right, you were leaving. <b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> I can't believe you sent a woman into the sauna to do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That was an accident! <b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> I think you're both mentally ill. (leaves, then opens the door again.) And by the way...they're real, and they're spectacular. (Sidra leaves.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to an exterior shot of the funeral home in Detroit. We hear the commotion of George and Timmy fighting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BETSY </b> Stop it, George! Get out! Get out! I never want to see you again! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DR. ALLENWOOD </b> Go back to New York! Get out! <b> </b><b> </b> New scene of a disheveled George at the airport in Detroit, talking to Clerk no. 2. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK 2 </b> Alright sir, now all I need is a death certificate and you'll be on your way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you see, what happened was...the doctor - the very same doctor that was attending to my late aunt - suffered an untimely stroke, and lost the use of his right hand, so...obviously I was unable to get the death certificate. However, I do have this. (Reaches inside his coat and takes out a Polaroid photo.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK 2 </b> What's this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's a picture of me next to the coffin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (We see a photo of George standing next to a coffin.) <b> </b><b> CLERK 2 </b> Nice try. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not even close, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Implant Script

1993-03-18

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE JUNIOR MINT </b> Written by Andy Robin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't just *have* an adultery-- you *commit* adultery. And you <b> </b><b> </b> can't even *commit* adultery unless you already *have* a commitment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about <b> </b><b> </b> committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you commit, then you can commit the adultery and then you get caught, <b> </b><b> </b> get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But y'know <b> </b><b> </b> some people actually *cheat* on the people that they're cheating <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> with. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to the robber next to you and goin' "Alright, gimme everything you <b> </b><b> </b> have, too". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Produce section. *Very* provocative area. A lot of melons and <b> </b><b> </b> shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So when're you gonna see her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tonight. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's her name? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I... don't... know... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How could you not know her name? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something to do <b> </b><b> </b> with a car, or a fish... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at that. Why do I get bananas? They're good for *one* day... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from the <b> </b><b> </b> State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public school <b> </b><b> </b> back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Lincoln Savings Bank. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I did that too. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You remember the, the little bank book, there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade, I <b> </b><b> </b> completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> me down. The interest has accumulated to 1 900 dollars. 1 900 <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> dollars! They're sending me a cheque! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without <b> </b><b> </b> doing anything... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y'know I have friends who try to base their whole life on that <b> </b><b> </b> principle. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? Who? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nobody you know... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe I'll go down to the track. Put it all on a horse... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you put it in the *bank*? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The *bank*? This is *found* money. I want to *parlay* it. I wanna <b> </b><b> </b> make a big score! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> *Oh*, you mean you wanna *lose* it... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's with the gloves? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm staining my floors and, y'know, I don't want to get my <b> </b><b> </b> hands dirty... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, the whole apartment? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm <b> </b><b> </b> gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> 'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry (Snaps fingers)... Wood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, you rented "Home Alone"? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you saw that already... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I saw "Home Alone II". <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, right... But you *hated* it! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I was lost, I never saw the first one. By the way, do you <b> </b><b> </b> mind if I watch it here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What for? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing <b> </b><b> </b> anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I can't work with these! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's wrong? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no *fine touch*... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You said "gloves"... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, these are too thick. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oooh, is that "Home Alone"? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. The *original*. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey Boys-O! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Remember Roy, the artist? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right, the "triangle" guy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Exactly, the "triangle" guy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, you liked him. What happened with him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah I did. He was very talented. He was just a little too... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Artsy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Fat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He was a fat, starving artist, y'know. That's very rare. Anyway, <b> </b><b> </b> he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should go <b> </b><b> </b> visit him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Listen, Jerry can you do me a favour? Could you go into the room <b> </b><b> </b> with me to visit him because I don't want him to think that I'm, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> y'know... interested. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I think I can do that. I believe I've played that role before <b> </b><b> </b> to some critical acclaim. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's with him? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y'know a lot of people have asked that... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Roy! <b> </b><b> ROY </b> *Elaine*! What a *surprise*. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, my *God*! I hardly recognise you! You look so... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROY </b> I've lost some weight... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A *lot* of weight. <b> </b><b> ROY </b> I know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You look ter*rific*. <b> </b><b> ROY </b> Thank you. So do you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is... uh... you *really* lost weight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ROY </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Waaaaaaaaa! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, the mother lode! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe it! You were *huge*! Like blubber! I couldn't <b> </b><b> </b> even get my arms around you... <b> </b><b> ROY </b> Yes, I remember. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well that's the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose <b> </b><b> </b> weight. <b> </b><b> ROY </b> Elaine, it wasn't the illness. It was you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ROY </b> After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated. I couldn't eat for <b> </b><b> </b> weeks. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> *Get* *out*! <b> </b><b> ROY </b> Really, it's the truth. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, did you hear that? He couldn't eat for weeks... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's terrible... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I had no idea I had that kind of effect on you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROY </b> You did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know I can't get this damn thing to sleep... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Now listen, tell me something. When are you gettin out of here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROY </b> Next Thursday. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, I'll tell you what. How about on Friday I take you out for <b> </b><b> </b> a *big* meal because *you* are getting *too* thin... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Honey... Aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No that's the week after. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I believe it's next week. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're wrong. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I'm not... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Shut up... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Pay dirt! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh Roy, this is Kramer-- he's one of our friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROY </b> How do you do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I do great. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Hi Roy. <b> </b><b> ROY </b> Oh, hey Dr. Siegel. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Doc, check this out. (does an around-the-world) I *just* <b> </b><b> </b> learned that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> I just wanted to stop by to see if you had any questions about <b> </b><b> </b> tomorrow's operation. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I have a question. What do you know about inter-abdominal <b> </b><b> </b> retractors? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Are you asking because you saw "20/20" last night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I sure am. <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Well that report was about *one* very specific type of retractor <b> </b><b> </b> and I can assure you we do not use that kind type of retractor in <b> </b><b> </b> your friend's procedure. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But you *will* use... a retractor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> We have to... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mmm-hmm... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Tell you what. You're obviously concerned about your friend's <b> </b><b> </b> welfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's <b> </b> operation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch it <b> </b><b> </b> with them? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'd love to watch the operation, yeah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut <b> </b><b> </b> him open. His guts'll be all over the place... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's true... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...They'll saw through bone. (makes saw noises while gesturing over <b> </b><b> </b> Roy's chest) You'll see what's *inside* bone... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are doing, you crying?? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You crying from "Home Alone"?? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The old man got to me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, just get yourself together... I dunno if I can be friends <b> </b><b> </b> with you anymore after this display <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Shut up! What are you doing back so soon, anyway? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer got the gloves and wanted <b> </b><b> </b> to get home and start working on his floor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How's the guy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine are getting pretty chummy. <b> </b><b> </b> Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's nerve... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, so she and "Triangle Boy" can go out to fancy restaurants. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Y'know what it is? It's "Clara Nightingale Syndrome". He falls <b> </b><b> </b> ill; she falls in love. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mean Florence Nightingale. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What'd I say? Clara? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Clara Barton? What did she do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not sure, but I think she was nice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Susan B. Anthony I think I'd have a problem with. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I think you would. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, you gonna buy his art? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. Why don't you buy it? You got 1 900 dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, that's what I want-- triangles. Alright, I'm outta here. <b> </b><b> </b> Have fun with what's-her-name. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I will. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Y'know, now you gotta ask her her name. It's so embarrassing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it isn't. I can find out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah? How? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There are ways. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y'know I remember when I was a kid growin up, kids would make fun <b> </b><b> </b> of my name like you wouldn't believe-- "Jerry Jerry Dingleberry", <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "Seinsmelled"... <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> "Seinsmelled"? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. What about you? Did people make fun of your name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Are you kidding? They were merciless! What do you expect when your <b> </b><b> </b> name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy? Of course, not <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> everybody can be as sweet as you are. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Oh, Jerry... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh... *you*... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now let's try "breast"... Celeste... Kest... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Rest... Sest... Hest... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Hest"? That's not a name. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you should've just asked her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, I should've asked her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What're you gonna do now? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already made out with her. Once <b> </b><b> </b> you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aretha! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bovary! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, that's enough. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, well you know what you gotta do, you gotta go through her <b> </b><b> </b> purse. Y'know, the credit cards, driver's license... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How am I gonna do that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When she goes to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, there you are. My date stood me up. Listen, will you guys <b> </b><b> </b> go to the operation with me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You asked a date to go to the operation? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah... So c'mon, what d'you say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What kind of operation is it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Spleenectomy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Isn't that where they remove the-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> C'mon, what d'you say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mulva! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mulva? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> C'mon, do you wanna go? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, alright. Just let me finish my coffee... then we'll go <b> </b><b> </b> watch them slice this fat bastard up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity, exposing the body's internal <b> </b><b> </b> organs. Nurse-- retractor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you eating? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Junior Mints. Do you want one? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I can't see... Psst.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where'd you get those? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The machine. You want one? Here, take one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't want any! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, they're good! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't want any! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Just take one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No! Kramer, stop it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> 30) </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing *into* the <b> </b><b> </b> patient! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you mean "into the patient"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Into the patient, *literally*! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Into the hole? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, the hole! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Didn't they notice it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How could they not notice it?!? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because it's a little mint. It's a *Junior* Mint. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What did they do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They sealed him up with the mint inside. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They *left* the Junior Mint *in* him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I guess it can't hurt him... People eat *pounds* of those things. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They *eat* them, they don't put them next to vital organs in their <b> </b><b> </b> abdominal cavity! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, this wallpaper is *very* good. My place looks like a ski <b> </b><b> </b> lodge! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why did you force that mint on me? I didn't want the mint! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I didn't believe you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could you not believe me?!? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's <b> </b><b> </b> peppermint-- it's *delicious*! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's true. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's very refreshing! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, just don't say anything about this to Elaine... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Prognosis... negative. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Prognosis *negative*!? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's not doing well, the doctors don't know what it is. They're <b> </b><b> </b> baffled. <b> </b><b> J+K </b> Oh, my God... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just my luck, y'know... just when he's getting thin and attractive. <b> </b><b> </b> Y'know Jerry, you should buy some of his art. That would really <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> lift his spirits. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's that bleak? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mmm... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Y'know if the guy dies, the art could really be worth something... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We gotta confess. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We could be tried for murder... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't have this on my conscience. We're like Leopold and Loeb! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're not gonna say anything, you got that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm telling and you can't stop me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're *not*!!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey Elaine? Put me down for some of that art. 1 900 dollars worth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, that's the spot... <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> What're you so tense about? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, nothing really... Just a homicide. (She finds the right spot <b> </b><b> </b> on his back) Oh that's terrific... Mulva. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mulva? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Mulva? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My Aunt's name is Mulva. She's a masseuse. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> I'm going to the bathroom. Be right back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, good idea... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I was just looking for some... gum or... mint. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Oh, I have Junior Mints. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No! (throws her purse back at her) No, I mean, no thank you... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Any news? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (whispering) No, you better get out of here. No, wait a second... <b> </b><b> </b> Wait a second... I don't know the name of this woman in the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> she'll be forced to say her name. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> 10-4. </b> <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Oh, hello. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hello, I'm Kramer. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> See you later. (He leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Well, I better get going. I don't want to be late for the play. <b> </b><b> </b> Y'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and meet Olympia Dukakis. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, there's a name you don't forget. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Oh, hi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi, I'm George. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Nice to meet you, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I gave it a shot... So, any word on the "artiste"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I haven't heard anything. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I got my triangles. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yup, y'know, they really spruce up the apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I'm sure... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta tell 'em what happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, Jerry. I wouldn't do that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You could get in trouble. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, I gotta try and help the guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who are you to play God!? Every man's time comes! If his number <b> </b><b> </b> is up, who are you to interfere!? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes I'd like to speak to Dr. Siegel... it's about Roy Kordic's <b> </b><b> </b> condition... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, thats *fantastic*! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He didn't get better, did he? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you very much. Bye-bye. He's gonna be okay! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where's the luck? There's no luck. 1 900 dollars down the drain. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ROY </b> You saved my life, George. You buying my art is what inspired me <b> </b><b> </b> to get better. I'll never forget what you did for me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, that's great. That's great. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Y'know, art is a great investment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's gonna look great in your apartment, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes I look forward to many years of looking at the triangles. <b> </b><b> </b> Well, I'll wait for you outside. <b> </b><b> ROY </b> Hey, George... (kiss) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Y'know I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in <b> </b><b> </b> your recovery, but I think there were other factors at play here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> I have no medical evidence to back me up, but something happened <b> </b><b> </b> during the operation that staved off that infection. Something <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> beyond science. Something perhaps from above... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mint? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Those can be very refreshing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ROY </b> So Elaine... Where are we going for our big dinner on Friday? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we're going to the Poconos on <b> </b><b> </b> Friday, right honey? (pointing to Jerry (the boyfriend)) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think so... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We are... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I believe we're not... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Catching another glimpse of Roy eating) Please can we go to <b> </b><b> </b> the Poconos? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'll think about it... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Great seats. You could see the actors spitting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really... <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> And afterwards we went backstage and Olympia Dukakis autographed my <b> </b><b> </b> playbill. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, what're you saying, you got her autograph? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you have it with you? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Yeah, it's in my purse. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me see. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Y'know I really think I'm falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Oh, well, I really think I'm falling for you... (reads autograph) <b> </b><b> </b> ...Joseph Puglia... <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> I had it autographed for my uncle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I know... <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> You don't know my name, do you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes I do. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It, uh, rhymes with a female body part. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mulva... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gipple? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Loleola? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! Oh! *Delores*! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> 15) </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ages zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing else. <b> </b><b> </b> Family, friends, school-- they're only obstacles in the way of <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> getting more candy. And you have your favourite candies that you <b> </b><b> </b> love. "I love those... I hate those...". "I hate those... I <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> love those...". And only a seven year old kid can taste the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> difference between a red M&amp;M and a light brown M&amp;M. Two totally <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> different things when you're seven years old. "Well, your red is <b> </b><b> </b> more of a main course M&amp;M, but the brown is more of a mellower <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> flavour; it's an after dinner M&amp;M, really". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Junior Mint Script

1993-04-15

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SMELLY CAR </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Peter Mehlman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...And it *is* embarrassing, because a doggie bag means either you <b> </b><b> </b> are out at a restaurant when you aren't hungry, or you've chosen the <b> </b><b> </b> stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about the <b> </b><b> </b> doggie bag on a date? That's a good move for a guy, huh? Lemme tell <b> </b><b> </b><b> YOU SOMETHING </b> if you're a guy and you ask for the doggie bag on a <b> </b><b> </b> date, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals too. <b> </b><b> </b> You're not going to be needing those for awhile, either. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that bothering you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, not at all... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, could you please hurry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (mockingly) "Please hurry". Look at you. Look at what you've <b> </b><b> </b> become. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What have I become? I haven't "become" anything... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, *Carl* can't wait a few more minutes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't want to keep him waiting... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He'll like you more... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's impossible... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WIFE </b> Andrew, why do you have to pick your teeth at the table? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HUSBAND </b> Leave me alone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I'm wanting to get married *real* soon... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, where am I dropping you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> His place... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This guy's got quite a racket. I take you to dinner and then drop <b> </b><b> </b> you off at his apartment... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> *And* he gets the rest of my chicken... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, is tonight "the night"? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You never know... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oooh! Bay-bee *doll*! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, do you smell something? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of *course* I <b> </b><b> </b> smell something. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think it's B.O.! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's B.O. The *valet* must have had <b> B.O. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It *can't* be. Nobody has B.O. like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry. It's *B*.*O*. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But the whole car smells. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". <b> </b><b> </b> Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe you ski! <b> </b><b> CARL </b> I'm a great skier. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah? What else? <b> </b><b> CARL </b> Let's see... I ski, I fish, I pillage, I plunder... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (delightedly) Oh! You "pillage and plunder"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CARL </b> ...When I travel. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See? Finally, *finally* I get to meet a man who pillages and <b> </b><b> </b> plunders! I'm so lucky. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This'll only take a second. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I'm going to poke around... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to himself) Hey, whatd'ya know? Look at that! A *lesbian* <b> </b><b> </b> sighting. Oh-ho! My lucky day. They're *so* fascinating. Why is <b> </b><b> </b> that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to himself) Oh, my God! It's Susan! What do I do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to himself) Argh! (to Susan) Susan! Hi! Oh, boy! What are <b> </b><b> </b> you doing here?! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Renting a video! What do you got there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, ... some stupid movie... <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> This is Mona. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, hi... <b> </b><b> MONA </b> Pleasure to meet you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. Well... <b> </b><b> MONA </b> Well, I'll let you two, uh... catch up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You okay? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Yes! I just haven't seen you in a long time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> And you didn't expect me to be holding hands with a woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, *please*! Me? C'mon! That's *great*! Are you kidding? I <b> </b><b> </b> think thats fan*tastic*! I've always encouraged experimentation! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I'm the first guy in the pool! Who do you think you're talking to? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I *know* who I'm talking to. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course you do... It's just, uh, y'know, I-I never *knew*, uh, <b> </b><b> </b> that, uh... <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I liked women? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There you go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, uh, how long has this been going on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Since you and I broke up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ssssso, after me, you... went that way? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I think that's fantastic. Good for you. Nice. That's very <b> </b><b> </b> nice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> So, what have you got there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I, uh-- <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, ``Rochelle, Rochelle'' <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a foreign movie... a *film*, is what it is, actually. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah... A lot of nudity in that, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, no... Just a *tiny* bit... It's not even *frontal* nudity. <b> </b><b> </b> It's... *sidal* nudity... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Next. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, that's me. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Alright, well... Good seeing you, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, good to see you, too. And Good luck with, uh... with the <b> </b><b> </b> whole thing, there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Uh, what are you returning? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (embarrassed pause) ``Rochelle, Rochelle''. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Ah, ``Rochelle, Rochelle''... "A young girl's strange, erotic <b> </b><b> </b> journey from Milan to Minsk"... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Uh, that'll be, uh... $3.49. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> $3.49? It says $1.49. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Well, you didn't rewind it. There's a $2.00 charge for not <b> </b><b> </b> rewinding. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What! There's no signs here! This is an outrage! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George, don't give him any money for that. It'll cost you less to <b> </b><b> </b> keep it another day, rewind it and bring it back tomorrow. Don't <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> give him the satisfaction. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not giving you the satisfaction. I'm gonna watch it again... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, this morning I go down to the garage to check the car out. I <b> </b><b> </b> figure by this time, the odour molecules have had at least twelve <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> hours to de-smellify. I open the car door, like a *punch* in the <b> </b><b> </b> *face*, the stench hits me-- it's almost as if it had *gained* <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> strength throughout the night... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Y'know I can think of at *least* six known offensive odours that <b> </b><b> </b> I would *rather* smell than what's livin' in your car. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about skunk? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't mind skunk. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Horse manure? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I *loooove* horse manure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I've never seen anything like this in my life. In fact, I <b> </b><b> </b> went to the car wash, they want 250 dollars to detail it, and get <b> </b><b> </b> the smell out. I'm not payin' for that. That's not my <b> </b> responsibility. In fact, I'm drivin' up to that restaurant now, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and *demand* they pay for it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Absolutely. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Listen, lemme ask you something. When you're with a guy, and he <b> </b><b> </b> tells you he has to get up early, what does that mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It means he's lying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? Is that what he told you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, last night. Oh, come on... Men *have* to get up early some <b> </b><b> </b> time... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. Never. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry! I'm *sure* I've seen men on the street early in the morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will <b> </b><b> </b> *always* trade sleep for sex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anything's *possible*... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the matter with you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Steinbrenner! He's ruinin' my life... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, Steinbrenner... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't think I can take another season with him, Jerry. He'll <b> </b><b> </b> just trade away their best young prospects, just like he did with <b> </b><b> </b> Beuner, McGee, Drabek... McGriff... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know the list... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's that smell? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What smell? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooooh... You stink. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Whatd'ya mean I stink? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You *stink*. Why don't you go take a shower? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I showered! Oh, wait a second... Since I showered, I've been in <b> </b><b> </b> the car! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't you see what's happening here? It's attached itself to me! <b> </b><b> </b> It's alive! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> If it attached itself to you, then... Oh, my God! That's why Carl <b> </b><b> </b> said he had to get up early! Because I stink! Jerry, he thinks <b> I </b><b> </b><b> </b> have B.O.! Me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? My car *stinks* is what happened. And it's <b> </b><b> </b> destroying the lives of everyone in it's path. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is that? B.O.? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is *unbelievable* B.O. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know... I was at the car wash this morning and the guy told me <b> </b><b> </b> in his 38 years in the business, he's never smelled anything like <b> </b><b> </b> it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, let me ask you. Do you think I could have done this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no. It's the valet guy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, I mean, driving Susan to lesbianism. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh... No, that's ridiculous. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What if her experience with me *drove* her to it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Suicide, maybe, not lesbianism. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The woman she's "lesbianing" with? Susan told me she's *never* <b> </b><b> </b> been with a guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, this isn't even B.O.! This is *beyond* B.O.! It's *B*.B.O.! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a "Smell <b> </b><b> </b> Gestapo". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with a <b> </b><b> </b> big, soapy brush... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing <b> </b><b> </b> now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, <b> I </b><b> </b><b> </b> never would've broken up with her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Lemme see if I understand this... On second thought... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here he is... that's the guy! (rolls up window) <b> </b><b> </b> No, thank you, go back... go back... I'll park it! You go back! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RESTAURATEUR </b> What do you mean-- "stunk up"? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean the car *stinks*! George, does the car stink? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Stinks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stinks! <b> </b><b> RESTAURATEUR </b> Well, perhaps *you're* the one who has the odour... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I've never smelled in my *life*, buddy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> RESTAURATEUR </b> Really? Well, I smell you now. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's from the car! <b> </b><b> RESTAURATEUR </b> Well, maybe *you're* the one who stunk up the car, rather <b> </b><b> </b> than the car stinking up you! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, it's the chicken and the egg... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you very much... Well, then go out and smell the car; <b> </b><b> </b> see which smells worse. <b> </b><b> RESTAURATEUR </b> I don't have time to smell cars. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Forget about smelling the car. Smell the valet. Go to the <b> </b><b> </b> source... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You've gotta smell the car <b> </b><b> RESTAURATEUR </b> I'm a busy man <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon! One whiff! <b> </b><b> RESTAURATEUR </b> Alright, one whiff... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RESTAURATEUR </b> Alright! I give up! I admit it! It stinks! Now will you <b> </b><b> </b> let me out! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, will you pay for the cleaning? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RESTAURATEUR </b> Yes! 50 dollars! I'll give you 50 dollars! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RESTAURATEUR </b> I'm not paying for *that*. They've already got my seven <b> </b><b> </b> dollars... (sarcastically) "...erotic journey from Milan to <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Minsk"... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CARL </b> The valet had such bad B.O.? <b> </b><b> ELAINE: OH, MAN, JUST *RAMPANT*, MUTANT B.O. THE "O" WENT FROM </b><b> THE </b><b> </b><b> </b> valet's "B", to the car, to me. It clings to everything. Jerry <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> thinks it's an entity. But I showered and I shampoo'ed, so... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CARL </b> That's a relief... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> CARL </b> It's still there... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, no! It *can't* be! I shampoo'ed! I rinsed! I repeated! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Listen, I gotta ask you: I was a little concerned that perhaps I <b> </b><b> </b> was responsible in some way for your, uh... metamorphosis. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> That'll be $98.00. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What $98.00? <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> That's what I said. $98.00. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How could that piece of *crap* cost <b> $98.00!? </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, was it me? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, don't be ridiculous! Is that what you wanted to talk to me <b> </b><b> </b> about? (Gives him the $35) Here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot. I'll pay you back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yeah, *sure*... I gotta go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Listen. Let me ask you something. If you and Mona were ever <b> </b><b> </b> to... dance, how do you decide who leads? I mean... do you take <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> turns? Do you discuss it beforehand? How does that work? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You're an idiot. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? That's a *legitimate* sociological question. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I'll see ya. And George, by the way... You stink... Real bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's not me! It's the car! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MONA </b> I didn't think I'd come. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I knew you would. <b> </b><b> MONA </b> Oh, Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAR WASHER </b> We spray everything with Ozium-D, let it de-ionise, vacuum the <b> </b><b> </b> spray out with a de-ionising machine. Hit it with high-pressure <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> compressed air, and wet-dry vac it to extract the remaining <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> liquids. We top it off with one of our seven air-fresheners, in <b> </b><b> </b> your case, I would recommend the Jasmine, or the Potpourri. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let's do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HAIRDRESSER </b> The first thing we're gonna do is flush the follicles with the <b> </b><b> </b> five essential oils. Then, we put you under a vapour machine, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and then a heated cap. Then, we shampoo and shampoo and <b> </b> condition and condition. Then, we saturate the hair in diluted <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> vinegar-- two parts vinegar, 10 parts water. Now, if that <b> </b> doesn't work, we have one last resort. Tomato sauce. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tomato Sauce? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a minute! It still smells! It still smells! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CARL </b> It still smells. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It still smells! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How could it still smell after all that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, what are you gonna do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're *selling* the car!? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more <b> </b><b> </b> powerful than anything you can imagine. Even *Superman* would be <b> </b><b> </b> helpless against this kind of stench. And I'll take anything I can <b> </b><b> </b> get for it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe I'll buy it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This <b> </b><b> </b> is not just an odour-- you need a *priest* to get rid of this thing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I still smell! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You see! You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's <b> </b><b> </b> the beast! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Kramer! Kramer! Kramer, open up, I know you're in there! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Susan! <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Kramer! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is going on? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You know what's going on? First, he vomits on me. Then, he burns <b> </b><b> </b> down my father's cabin. And now, he's taken Mona away from me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He stole your girlfriend? <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Yes. She's in *love* with him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings 'em back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's the *least* of what you've accomplished... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kramer, Kramer... Hold on a second. <b> </b><b> </b> I don't get this. This woman has *never* been with a man her <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> *entire* life-- <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know what you're going through. Women. Who knows what they want? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> I just don't know what she sees in *Kramer*. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Listen. You're beautiful. You're intelligent. You'll meet other <b> </b><b> </b> girls... <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You think so? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, I know so. You happen to be a very eligible lesbian. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You're very sweet... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, I know what I'm talking about. I gotta be honest with you, I <b> </b><b> </b> gotta tell ya... Ever since I saw you holding hands with that <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> woman, I can't get you out of my mind. <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, you're just so... hip. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, my God... <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's Allison. I dated her right after you. She's obsessed with me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Allison! Hi! Oh, my God! How are you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> Good. You know, you owe me $50... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right. I don't have it on me. Allison, this is Susan. Susan, <b> </b><b> </b> Allison. <b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> Nice to meet you... <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Nice to meet you... <b> </b><b> ALLISON </b> That's a beautiful vest... <b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Thank you... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't understand it. I was with her last night in my apartment; <b> </b><b> </b> it was very romantic. Y'know with that fake wood wallpaper, the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> atmosphere is *fabulous* in there, now. It's like a ski lodge. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> What year did you say this was? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> '90. </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Anyway, we were on the couch, I move to hug her, next thing she <b> </b><b> </b> tells me she's leaving; she's got to get up early. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's strange... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> How many miles you got on this thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> 23 000. </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And I was looking good, too. I had a nice, new shirt on, I'm <b> </b><b> </b> wearing *your* jacket... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second... My jacket! I wore that in the car! The Beast! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> I can't sell this car. <b> </b><b> JERRY: THIS... THING... HAS GOT TO BE STOPPED! </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HAIRDRESSER </b> So, what do you want to do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sauce me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why do we need B.O.? What is the function of it? Everything in <b> </b><b> </b> nature has a reason, has a purpose, except B.O. Doesn't make any <b> </b><b> </b> sense-- do something good, hard work, exercise, smell very bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> This is the way the human being is designed. You move, you stink. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Why can't our bodies help us? Why can't sweat smell good? It'd be <b> </b><b> </b> a different world, wouldn't it? Instead of putting your laundry in <b> </b><b> </b> the hamper, you'd put it in a vase. You'd go down to the drugstore <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and pick up some odourant and perspirant. You'd probably have a <b> </b><b> </b> dirty sweat sock hanging from the rear-view mirror of your car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> And then on a really special night, maybe a little underwear comin' <b> </b><b> </b> out of your breast pocket. Just to let her know she's important. <b> </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Smelly Car Script

1993-05-13

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE HANDICAP SPOT </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At the comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have a friend who is about to get married, they're having the bachelor party and the <b> </b> bridal shower on the same day... So it's conceivable that while she's getting the lingerie, he'd be at <b> </b> a nude bar watching a table dancer wearing the same outfit. That is possible. But to me, the <b> </b> difference between being single and being married, is the form of government. You see, when you're <b> </b> single, you are the dictator of your own life. I have complete power. I can give the order to fall <b> </b> asleep on the sofa with the TV on in the middle of the day, no-one can overrule me! When you're <b> </b> married, you're part of a vast decision-making body. Before anything gets done there are meetings. <b> </b> Committees have to study the situation. And this is if the marriage works. That's what's so painful <b> </b><b> ABOUT DIVORCE </b> you get impeached and you're not even the president! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, is it my imagination, or do really good looking women walk a lot faster than <b> </b> everybody else? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We don't walk that fast... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No seriously... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Seriously, we don't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The better looking they are, the faster they go! I mean, I see they out there on the <b> </b> street, they're zooming around, like a blur. Like they have a motor on their ass. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Yelling to Jerry in the bedroom) Hey Jerry, come on, let's go. We're gonna miss the <b> </b> previews! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the big hurry? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, how are we gettin' to Scott Drake's party on Saturday night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Drake's party, I forgot to buy a present. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I gotta buy a present now? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Of course you do, it's an engagement party. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It never ends, this present stuff! Engagement present! Then they get married, you gonna <b> </b> have to get them something for that! Then the baby, there's another present. Then the baby starts <b> </b> getting their presents. I don't even like Drake. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't like the Drake? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hate the Drake. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I *love* the Drake. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could you not like the Drake? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who's the Drake? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> "Who's the Drake"? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Drake is good! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So listen, what are you gonna get him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I haven't even met the fiancee! Whatever! (Leaves for washroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, look. I drew this triangle free-hand. It's a doodle. It's perfect! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what? That's easy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Easy? <b> </b> (Kramer enters in his usual way) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi! Hey, have you gotten your present yet for the Drake? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, no, no, not yet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you like the Drake? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I *love* the Drake! I'm looking forward to meeting the Drakette! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm lukewarm about the Drakette. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Looking at Jerry's doodle) That's a nice triangle... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's Isosceles <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooh, Isosceles. I love the name Isosceles. If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. <b> </b><b> </b> Isosceles Kramer. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, you know what, maybe we should all chip in for the gift. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The chip-in! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, a pretty good idea, huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, the chip-in, defenitely! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know what, let's go to that mall in Liberal(sp?) before we go to the party. We'll have <b> </b> to take your car, it's got the most room. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no! My car's not running. <b> </b> (George enters the room from the washroom) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about your father's car? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, no. Out of the question. I was over there today. He's got the good spot in front <b> </b> of the good building in the good neighbourhood. I know he's not gonna wanna move. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you serious? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't know what that spot means to him. Once he gets it, he doesn't go out for weeks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How about this, you put your car in the good spot, that'll hold the good spot in front of <b> </b> the good building, and we can get the good car! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good thinking! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good to meet you! <b> </b> (George's car) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what are we gonna get him? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We could get him anything we wanted, we're chippin' in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I like this area. I could live out here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, we ought to all get a house and live together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll tell you what chuckles, I give you permission to sublet my <b> </b> room right now. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look at this. There's no spaces here. (to another car) Excuse me, are you gettin' out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN IN CAR </b> No! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why don't you take a handicap spot... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no! We'll find a space. There's spaces in the other lot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't want to walk that far. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What if a handicapped person needs it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, come on, they don't drive! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, they do! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Have you ever seen a handicapped person pull into a space and park? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well there's spaces there, they must drive! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well they don't. If they could drive, they wouldn't be handicapped. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So if you can drive, you're not handicapped? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look, we're not gonna be that long anyway... we have to get to the "party"! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be <b> </b> treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's right! It's the same thing with the femenists. You know, they want everything to be <b> </b> equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What does that mean? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, go ahead. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, come on, it's five minutes. <b> </b> (pulls into handicap spot) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Make sure we don't forget where the car's parked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (walking in the parking garage) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you believe the deal we got on this? A big screen TV? At that price? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What a sale, huh? And how about that store, delivering it tonight? We're gonna be swimming <b> </b> in 'thank you's... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What did I get the veggie burger for? You got a veggie burger, so I had to get the veggie <b> </b> burger, I'm allover crums... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No-one's gonna have a better gift than this big screen TV! Good for them, love the Drake! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Got to *love* the Drake! <b> </b> (sound of police cars) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, what's going on over here? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Must have been an accident... <b> </b> (they turn the corner so they can see their car, surrounded by a lot of people) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to a woman) Hey, what's going on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Some jerk parked in a handicap spot, so this woman in a wheelchair had to wheel up this <b> </b> incline, and half way up her batteries gave up, and she rolled backwards into the wall. Taken her to <b> </b> St. Elizabeth's... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is she OK? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> I don't know. We're just waiting here for the owner of this car to show up. May not get out <b> </b> alive! Thug! Taking up a handicap spot? He's gonna pay! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Son's of bitches! Good luck finding them... him... whatever. I'd like to stick around and <b> </b> get my hands on him myself, but I gotta take off. <b> </b> (man hits George's car in rage) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How are we gonna get out of here? They'll kill us! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to George) Are you happy now? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Who would think these people we're gonna be here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about the party? What about the Drake? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Screw the Drake! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I love the Drake! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let's just take a bus back to the city. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can't leave the car here! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's my father's car! <b> </b><b> </b><b> EVERYBODY </b> Yeah! Yeah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let's get out of here. <b> </b> (coffee shop) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are we gonna do? How are we gonna get out of here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The thing is, even if we go back by the car, and there's nobody there, how do we know <b> </b> they're not all hiding, waiting for us? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, they have to give up some time, they can't stay out there all night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are we, John Dillinger? How did this get to be the crime of the century? It's not like <b> </b> we stuck a broomstick in her spokes and she went flying... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What I don't get is, just because the battery is dead, you think she'd be able to roll up <b> </b> the hill with her hands! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You'd think... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I mean, batteries have gone dead before, aren't they prepared for that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Most of them don't even have batteries. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Must be one of those rich, spoiled handicapped people, who didn't want to do any work, and <b> </b> just wanted to sit in her wheelchair and take it easy. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm sorry! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Our big screen TV is probably arriving right now... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How are we gonna get out of here? We need a plan! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got it! (snaps his fingers) We give the keys to Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! You're a woman! Men don't hit a woman! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, they won't? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not if they don't know you... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm not going for this, Kramer should go! It was all his idea! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No chance in hell! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What if we created some sort of diversion? What if we all went by the car and started <b> </b><b> </b><b> SCREAMING </b> "There he is, there's the guy that took the handicap spot!" And then, when they all run into <b> </b> the other direction, we'll jump in the car! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's good, we'll give it a try... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's good... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That doesn't work, we'll give 'em Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh? <b> </b> (parking garage) <b> </b> (the four of them approach George's car, which is smashed to pieces) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (as George picks up a broken piece of his car) You know, a lot of these scratches will buff <b> </b> right out... <b> </b> (George's parents' house) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Eight years have I had this car. Not a scratch on it! Eight years! <b> </b><b> </b> (Estelle is playing Mahjongh with the ladies) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> A beautiful Mercury! I special-ordered that bench seat! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dad, that other car cut us off! They had swastikas all over it... They were hurling racial <b> </b> epiphates at us... I could have been killed! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (to Frank) I told you not to give it to him! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (to George) You know, my insurance doesn't cover this? The whole thing is a total loss! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAHJONGH LADY </b> Frank, the important thing is, he didn't get hurt! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> No it isn't! <b> </b><b> MAHJONGH LADY </b> So what are you doing now, Georgie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm uh... writing a pilot for NBC... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Where the hell is my paper? <b> </b><b> MAHJONGH LADY </b> You're writing a pilot? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> With his friend, Jerry Seinfeld... the comedian... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAHJONGH LADY </b> So what's it about? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, Jerry's car gets hit and the other driver doesn't have any insurance, so the judge <b> </b> sentences him to be Jerry's butler. <b> </b><b> MAJONGH LADIES </b> This is the same situation! Frank, maybe you ought to make him your butler! <b> </b><b> </b> (giggling) <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Every time you're with that Kramer, something happens... He's a real trouble maker! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nah, he didn't have anything to do with it... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> He's all together crazy, that one! Jerry? I used to think was nice... I don't know what <b> </b> happened to him... <b> </b> (Estelle wins at Mahjongh) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry's on the phone with the Drake, Elaine is eating an Oreo cookie) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to the Drake) So it was a good party, huh? Oh... you're welcome, you're welcome... (to <b> </b> Elaine) They loved the TV, *loved* it! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to the Drake) Oh, wait a second, I'll ask her.. that's a great idea. (To Elaine) Drake <b> </b> wants to know if we want to come out to Minneolis this afternoon, since we missed the partly last <b> </b> night, to maybe get something to eat? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sure! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to the Drake) Sure! ... Okay... Don't worry, I'm taking MY car! ... okay... okay, see you <b> </b> later... bye... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Drake is great! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hmm.. he's so nice! I'm really happy for them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Well, I don't know if I'm happy for them, I mean I'm glad they're happy, but, <b> </b> frankly, that doesn't do anything for me. <b> </b> (buzzer rings) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. <b> </b> (Door opens, Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. I just came from St. Elizabeth's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> St. Elizabeth's Hospital? Why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, the handicapped woman? I went to see her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You went to see her? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow, what happened? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm in love. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I love her Jerry, I really love <b> </b> her. I'm gonna ask her to marry me. She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being. <b> </b> Except for the walking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, what's the difference, you don't go out that much. <b> </b><b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, I'm glad you're here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, now, we gotta go out. We gotta buy a wheelchair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A wheelchair? What for? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know I went to the hospital today, and I saw the woman, you know, and the <b> </b> wheelchair is totalled, we gotta get her another one! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Doesn't she have collision? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George, I'm in love with her! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, my father works for the United Volunteers, maybe he can get her one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No! She needs it now! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about these two? Aren't they gonna chip in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, we told you not to park there! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can't we just fix the old one? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, alright. Fine George! Don't chip in! But some day, we're gonna be driving along, <b> </b> we're gonna look out the window, and see her crawling along 5th avenue! Is that what you want? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, alright! We'll buy her a wheelchair! Wheelchairs, engagement presents.. IT <b> NEVER </b><b> </b><b> ENDS! </b> <b> </b><b> </b> (at Surgical Appliances) <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> This is out best model. The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is <b> </b> like... you're almost glad to be handicapped. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So now, what's this got? <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> Inductive joystick, dynamic braking, flip-up arms, it's fully loaded. I put Stephen <b> </b> Hawking in one of these two months ago, he's lovin' it! It's rated number one by Hospital Supply and <b> </b> Prosthetic Magazine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How much? <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b><b> 6200. </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you have something a little more... less expensive? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At the Drake's) <b> </b> (The Drake opens the door, the Drakette is sitting on the couch) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY AND ELAINE </b> Hey Drake! Hi Drake! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Alison! Hey, there's the TV, Elaine, look at that! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My God this is fantastic! Tell me, were you guys just blown away or what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE DRAKE </b> Oh yeah, yeah... it's fantastic... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry sits down next to Alison) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I am gonna make good use of this! I'm watching every superbowl here, every big fight.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh man, there is nothing like a really big TV, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So where're we eatin'? <b> </b><b> THE DRAKE </b> Well, actually... Jerry... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm *really* hungry! <b> </b><b> THE DRAKE </b> ... we just broke up... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When did this happen? <b> </b><b> THE DRAKE </b> About 20 minutes ago... Hey, I am really sorry about this guys... whew! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at the picture on this thing... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, cristal clear! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They know how to make 'em... <b> </b> (The Drake starts sobbing) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are there any good Italian restaurants around here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE DRAKE </b> Gagliano's... that's pretty good... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well... we should... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get movin'... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah... Hey, Drake, what ever happens, I am sure it'll be for the best. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Take it easy. Bye-Bye Alison! <b> </b> (The Drake is sobbing again, Elaine takes the remote control out the door then returns) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, the remote! Okay, I'm just gonna put it on top of the television... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (at Surgical Appliances) <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> Alright, this one is about 8 years old. Not a scratch on it, it was owned by some lady <b> </b> who only used it to go from the bathroom to the kitchen and to feed her cat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But this'll get you around? <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> Oh sure, it just doesn't have any of the thrills of the Cougar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Like what? <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> For example, your tremor-damping. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now what's that? <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> It helps to control the direction regardless of the operator's tremors or spasticity. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, is it alright if I try it? <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> Hop in! <b> </b> (Kramer sits down, and likes it) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah! <b> </b> (Salesman is laughing) <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> I tell ya... <b> </b> (Kramer crashes into wheelchairs while trying to control his) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> When I see someone enjoying themselves like that, it reminds me why I got into this <b> </b> business in the first place. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How much? <b> </b> (Kramer crashes into some more wheelchairs) <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> How about $240? <b> </b><b> GEORGE &amp; KRAMER </b> We'll take it! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's appartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Drake gave her the TV? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He gave her all the gifts; he felt guilty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, she can't keep it, it's not fair, that's *our* TV! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know it is! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Boy, I am really starting to dislike the Drake! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I hate the Drake! Maybe the whole thing was a scam. Anybody can just get engaged and get <b> </b> presents and just keep them all. Maybe they're on their way to Chicago tomorrow and do the whole <b> </b> thing all over again. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They don't know anybody in Chicago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't worry, they'll make friends fast with that nice TV. <b> </b><b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, guess what? The Drake broke up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The Drake broke up?! That's fantastic! Now we get the TV back! It'll help defray <b> </b><b> </b> some of the cost of the wheelchair. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know about defraying. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're not gettin' that TV. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you mean? The engagement is off, we get the TV back. That's business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The Drakette took it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She can't take it. It's not hers, it's theirs. Once there's no theirs there's no hers, it <b> </b> should be ours. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, she has it! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I *told* you the Drake was bad! I hate the Drake! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe we should call her. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, who's gonna call? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You are. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Why is it me who always has to do these things? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because that's your thing! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Calling people I hardly know, and demanding they return expensive gifts, that's my <b> </b> "thing"? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's your thing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, gimme the phone... it's my "thing"... <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine starts dialling) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I'm thinking about getting a yo-yo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I could see that... <b> </b><b> </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alison! Hi, this is Elaine... <b> </b><b> </b> I gave all the gifts to charity. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Okay... well thanks a lot... sorry again about you and the Drake... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I hate the Drake. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Everybody does. Bye-bye.... <b> </b> (Elaine hangs up the phone) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She gave it to charity. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Charity?!? That's apalling. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate! <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I gave her the wheelchair! You should have seen the look on her face. And then she <b> </b> told me, that the old wheelchair, that wasn't any good anyway! So you see George, the whole <b> </b> incident was a God blessing! Yeah! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You mean a blessing in disguise? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah.... <b> </b><b> </b> (At George's parents' place) <b> </b><b> LADY </b> And I would also like to personally thank our gracious host Frank Costanza, who has earned <b> </b> the silver circle award and is our unanimous choice for the United Volunteer Representative of the <b> </b> Month! <b> </b> (applause) <b> </b><b> LADY </b> Due to his tireless effort, he personally raised over $22,000. That's a lot of wheelchairs! <b> </b><b> </b> (applause, door bel rings) <b> </b><b> LADY </b> On behalf of the United Volunteers of Greater New York, we thank you! <b> </b><b> </b> (Estelle opens the front door, two men walk in) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Well... thank you very much! <b> </b><b> COP </b> Mr. Costanza? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> COP </b> You're under arrest. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Under arrest? What for? <b> </b><b> COP </b> Reckless endangerment of public safety, and violation of traffic code 342-A. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> COP </b> Parking in a handicap spot. Let's go... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> George! George! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's appartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your father got arrested? For what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Parking in a handicap spot. Right in the middle of his United Volunteers meeting. When he <b> </b> got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ho-ly! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Between the car getting totalled, the towing charge and the fine, there's no way I can <b> </b> ever pay him back... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what are you gonna do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I agreed to become his butler. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the matter? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's over! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's over? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Me and Lola.... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The woman we bought the wheelchair for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, she dumped me! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She dumped you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster dufus. Am I a hipster dufus? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY &amp; GEORGE </b> ... no... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Said I'm not good looking enough for her. Not good looking! Jerry, look at me, look at my <b> </b> face, huh, am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...you're very attractive... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> yeah... she says she doesn't wanna see me again. Told me to drop dead! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Drop dead? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Boy, even I never heard that one... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's pretty rough! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeesh-jip! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, we just blew 240 bucks on a wheelchair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 240 bucks? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it was slightly used... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Used? <b> </b><b> </b> (cut to Lola rolling down a hill trying to use her brakes that don't work, screaming) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's parents' place) <b> </b> (George's vaccuuming) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I don't think you did such a good job on these... <b> </b><b> </b> (George turns off the vaccuum) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What!? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You're supposed to your face there! Do you see your face in there? <b> </b><b> </b> (Phone rings) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Yeah? ...oh really?...oh... how about that?... Right down a hill huh? <b> </b> Okay! Alight! Bye! <b> </b> (hangs up the phone) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> George, forget about the shoes. Want you to do something for me (scribbles something on a <b> </b> piece of paper). This handicapped woman had an accident. Somebody gave her a used wheelchair with <b> </b> defective brakes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sons of bitches! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Anyway, I want you to pick up this big screen TV, and deliver it to her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Big screen TV? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Do you think you can handle it? <b> </b><b> </b> (At the Drakette's) <b> </b> (knock on door, the Drakette opens) <b> </b><b> ALISON </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi, we're from the United Volunteers, we've come to pick up the TV. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALISON </b> Oh great, it's right over there. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooh, it's a big one! <b> </b><b> </b> {All four inside a delivery van outside the mall) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who's got the receipt? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I do. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Will they give us cash? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's their policy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I hate this mall, there are never any spaces here... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why don't you park in front of the hydrant? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What if there is a fire? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What are the chances of that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Handicap Spot Script

1993-05-20

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE PILOT PART 1 </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (night club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings for these people? They'll go: "Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is to have a stereo and a cream-colored couch." According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. *Death* is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's) <b> </b> (Jerry is entering his apartment, following by Kramer) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why can't I play Kramer? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look we've been through this already. You're not an actor! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Neither are you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. So why do we need two people in the show that can't act? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh come on Jerry. How hard is it to act. You say something, I'll pretend it's funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My grandmother's in the hospital. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ha ha ha. Your grandmother's in the hospital! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is real believable. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What you didn't think I was really laughing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It stinks. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let me see you do it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Say something funny. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright. I've never been to Mars but I imagine it's quite lovely. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah.......... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mine was better than that! Come on look. (starts to laugh again, Jerry too) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George enters while they're both laughing) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why are two pretending to be laughing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're acting. (they stop laughing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, real good. (George makes a face like: you stink) Any word from NBC? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't understand. They're supposed to be casting this week. Something's wrong. Maybe they're not doing it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Jerry) Well at least let me audition. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) He wants to play Kramer in the Pilot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to George) Yeah! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Out of the question. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oughh! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Jerry) How could we not hear anything? What's with this Russel? What's he doing? (Jerry raises his arms and shoulders like: he doesn't know) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Peter McManus cafe, an Italian restaurant) <b> </b> (Elaine and Russell are sitting down at a table) <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> I really appreciate you coming. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, that's O.K. I don't have much time though. So... <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> All right, first of all, I want to apologize for all the phone calls. It's just--It's just-- (awkward pause) I don't understand, we went out once... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That was two months ago. <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Yes I know. I just-- I can't get you out of my mind. Ever since that-- that day in the restaurant when we met... (we see a flashback from 'The Shoes' of Elaine showing her cleavage and asking Russell for his Ketchup secret) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Russell, you are the president of NBC. You can have any woman you want. (picks up the bowl of munchies on the table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> But I want you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> God I hate these mixtures. Why don't they just put pretzels on the table. Even peanuts would be good, but I don't know how eats these cheesy things (she does). <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Is it something I said... or did? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um... Look Russell... You're a very sweet guy. But I got to be honest with you. I don't like television... and that's your world. That's your life. I mean maybe if you were in... I don't know... Greenpeace or something, that would be different, but network television... I mean, come on, Russell, you're part of the problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Oh Elaine, we're doing some really very interesting things right now. We've got some very exciting pilots for next season. We have one with a bright young comedian, Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah, oh yeah. I've heard of him. He's that "Did you ever notice this? Did you ever notice that?" guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Yeah. Anyway it's a ground breaking show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? What is it about? <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> (a little more enthusiast) Well, really, it's very unusual. It's about nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (surprised) What do you mean it's about nothing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> (starts doing George at the first meeting with NBC in 'The Pitch') For example, what did you do today? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, I got up. Um, I went to work. Then I came here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> There's a show. that's a show. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Russell, see, I'm really not interested in this stuff and I do have to go to work (she gets up). So... <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> (stops doing George, he's down again) Elaine, When--when--when are we gonna see each other again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sorry Russell. I'm sorry O.K.? Bye-bye. (Russell, still sitting watches her leaving). <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's) <b> </b> (back to when we left earlier with Jerry, Kramer and George. Jerry is answering the phone while Kramer is about to go back into his apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? Yeah he's here. (to Kramer) Hey! It's for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's getting phone calls here now? (he's standing near the counter and eating chips out of a big bag) <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer sits down and starts to talk on the phone) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) Again with the sweat pants? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? I'm comfortable. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable." (George is baffled) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to the phone) Hold on a second I got another call. Hello? Yeah, he'll call you back. (Jerry and George look at each other) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Kramer) Who is it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's NBC. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> NBC!?! Give me the phone! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm in the middle of a conversation here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get off the phone! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to the phone) Look, I'll call you back. (hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know I'm waiting to hear from them. Who was it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Russell Dalrimple's secretary. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. Now you're doing something to help me. (to the phone) Hello yeah it's Jerry Seinfeld returning the call. Uh-huh.. O.K. great thanks a lot. (hangs up)(to George) Casting tomorrow at NBC. 4:00. We're in business baby, the pilot's on. You're gonna successful. (George looks disappointed) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Dana's office) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What if the pilot gets picked up and it becomes a series? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> That'd be wonderful George, you'll be rich and successful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried about. God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> I thought you didn't believe in God? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I do for the bad things. <b> </b><b> DANA </b> Do you hear what you're saying? God isn't out to get you George. What... What is that on your lip? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> DANA </b> It's like a discoloration. It's white. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (gets up and picks a mirror) Yes. Yes, it's white. Why it's white. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> You'd better get that checked out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Better get that checked out? <b> </b><b> DANA </b> I would. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What kind of a therapist are you? I'm telling I'm scared that something terrible is gonna happen to me, right away you start looking for tumors? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> I'm trying to help you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you like a sadist? No matter how bad somebody feels, you can make 'em feel worse. I bet you're rooting for a tumor. (pointing to her) <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANA </b> I think you'd better go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh I'm going baby! I'm going! (he leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry and George in a cab at a light) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right here. (showing his lip) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get out of here, it's nothing. (Jerry knows George is hypochondriac. See 'The Heart Attack') <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to the cab driver) Excuse me, do you see anything on my lip here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CABBIE </b> Yeah, it's like a discoloration. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, my God. <b> </b><b> CABBIE </b> Yeah, it's all white. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Jerry) It's all white Jerry! It's all white! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Would you stop? <b> </b><b> CABBIE </b> I would get that checked out if I were you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Again with the checked out. I'm not going to the doctor. If I don't to the doctor, then nothing will happen to me. If I go he might find something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If you go, maybe they'll catch it in time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Catch what in time? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Whatever it is. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think it's something? <b> </b><b> CABBIE </b> Ah! I hate these bums with their filthy rags. No no no, I don't want it, get away, get away from my car (he starts his wipers) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE DEVOLA </b> (through the opened window's cab) Good luck on the pilot Jerry. (the cab pulls away) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> (NBC) </b> <b> </b> (Stu and Jay are sitting. George is standing in front of them, asking about his lip. The Casting Director, a woman, is sitting across from them on a couch. Jerry is in the back, standing and looking through the window. There's a box of raisins on the coffee table.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> STU </b> (to George) Yeah I think I see it. It's like a white discoloration. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Jay) What do you think it is? <b> </b><b> JAY </b> It's like a... white discoloration. (we understand now why a sitcom needs so many producers) <b> </b><b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> O.K. guys, are we ready to start? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, where is Russell? I thought he was gonna be here. <b> </b><b> </b> (George sits down next to Stu and Jay, and grabs a magazine and the box of raisins. Jerry walks over to Goerge and sits next to him.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> STU </b> Oh you know I don't know. I saw him in the hall this morning, I said hello to him. He walked right past me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JAY </b> He must be worried about the fall schedule. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STU </b> Ah, it's a real bear. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. So what's going on? We're gonna shoot the pilot and then it's gonna be on TV the following week? <b> </b><b> </b><b> STU </b> Yeah. Right. <b> </b> (the casting director enters with an actor) <b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> This is Mark Matts. He'll be auditioning for the role of George. (the guy looks very cool and casual, and has a lot of hair) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARK </b> Hey how you doing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (thinking) They've gotta be kidding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (thinking) This guy's perfect. <b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> O.K. Let's read this. I'll be reading Jerry's part. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARK </b> Anyone call for Vandelay Industries? (George is the only one in the room to find Mark funny) <b> </b><b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> No. Why? <b> </b><b> MARK </b> Listen to me. I told the unemployment office I was close to a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when you answer the phone now, you've got to say: "Vandelay Industries". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> I'm Vandelay Industries? <b> </b><b> MARK </b> Right. <b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> What is that? <b> </b><b> MARK </b> You're in latex. <b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> What do I do with latex? <b> </b><b> MARK </b> I don't know, you manufacture it. <b> </b> (scene cuts) <b> </b> (the casting director enters with another actor) <b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> This is Michael Barth. Another George. (he's in sweat pants, bald, with glasses) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALL </b> Hi Michael. How you doing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Everything all right? <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> I just came from the podiatrist. I have a mole on my foot. I've got a little gangrene, they're probably gonna have to amputate. (everyone laugh except George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> Any questions? <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> Yeah. What are we looking at here? Is this guy like a real loser? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, not a loser! <b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> Let's start with the second scene. You have it here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> A man gave me a, you know, massage. (everyone laugh except George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> So? <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> Well, he-- he had his hands, you know, and uh, he was, huh, ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> He was what? <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> He was you know... he was touching and rubbing. (loud laughter) <b> </b><b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> That's a massage. <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> I think it moved. <b> </b> (scene cuts) <b> </b> (the casting director enters with a beautiful actress) <b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> This is Melissa Shannon. <b> </b><b> MELISSA </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> ALL </b> Hi. How you doing. <b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> Melissa is reading for Elaine. <b> </b><b> MELISSA </b> It's like a bald convention out there! (she saw George) Sorry. I, uh, made a faux pas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No you didn't. He knows he's bald. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MELISSA </b> So how about that guy wearing sweat pants? I mean did he do that for the part or does he walk around like that? (Jerry approves with a nod, George drops his notepad on the coffee table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> O.K. Shall we start? (Melissa and the casting director sit down) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (getting up) Uh, you know what? I'll read with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MELISSA </b> Oh, great. <b> </b> (the casting director leaves the chair to Jerry. Jerry sits in front of Melissa and slides the chair very close to her) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, want to start? <b> </b><b> MELISSA </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> O.K. </b> <b> </b><b> MELISSA </b> Ahem. What was that look? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What look? <b> </b><b> MELISSA </b> That look you just gave me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I gave a look? <b> </b><b> MELISSA </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thank you! Thank you very much. (Jerry and Melissa stop and look at George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> Let's see some more Kramers. <b> </b> (We see many short scenes with a wide variety of fat, tall, or small actors opening the door like Kramer does. Finally enters Tom Pepper, the guy that will get the role of Kramer) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALL </b> Hi. How you doing? <b> </b><b> TOM </b> (to Jerry and very seriously) How you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (smiling and surprised at the way Tom is talking) Good. <b> </b><b> </b> (scene cuts) <b> </b> (Tom and the casting director are into a scene) <b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> What is this about? <b> </b><b> TOM </b> (standing) Levels. <b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> Levels? <b> </b><b> TOM </b> Yeah. I'm getting rid of all, all my furniture. All of it! I'm building... levels... with steps... completely carpeted... (making the gesture of carpeting steps) with pillows. (everyone laugh. He sits down) Like Ancient Egypt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> I don't know how you're gonna be comfortable like that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOM </b> Oh! I'll be comfortable. (laughter, applause. He gets up, goes to the coffee table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Very nice <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Very good <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Very nice Tom, that was terrific. <b> </b><b> TOM </b> May I? (pointing the box of raisins) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sure. Thank you for coming in. (Tom eats some raisins) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) It was a wonderful reading. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Really. <b> </b><b> TOM </b> Well, bye. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Take care. Take it easy. (Tom leaves with the casting director) <b> </b><b> </b><b> STU </b> Now, I thought he was really good, very funny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I liked him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What happened to the raisins? <b> </b><b> JAY </b> Yeah, there was a box of raisins there! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did he just steal the raisins? <b> </b><b> STU </b> You think he stole them? <b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> (enters with the real Kramer) This is Martin Van Nostrand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Kramer) What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CASTING DIRECTOR </b> You two know each other? <b> </b><b> STU </b> Wait a minute, I know you. You're the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's true. <b> </b> (Jerry and George look at each other. They're gonna let Kramer have a shot at it. Kramer unfold the script and smile at Jerry and George, very confident.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (acting very bad) I saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Doughnuts again, but this time, I went in. (pause, stops acting) Oh! Uh, where's the bathroom? <b> </b><b> </b><b> STU </b> I think if you go down the hall, it's on the right at the very end. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Be right back. (Kramer leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "Sorry buddy, full house." We then see Kramer outside leaving the building and running across the street to a restaurant: "Sorry, customers only" ...running into a movie theater: "Hey you need a ticket!" ...running through the park...) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine at a booth) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So who's playing Elaine? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, don't worry about it. Very talented, very takented young actress. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who is it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's an eskimo, actually. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, my God (not in the mood to be kidding) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She came down from Juno by sleigh, she was in the Iditarod. Got to the finish line, just kept going. She's got the dogs with her in the hotel room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Listen, was Russell at the casting? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, he didn't show up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, I'm a little bit worried about him. I don't understand. We had one date two months ago. Am I that charming and beautiful? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. No you're not. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why do I keep setting you up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to the waitress) Could we get a little more? (she doesn't listen and walks away) Aghh... You know ever since this new owner took over, the service here is *really* slow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Have you noticed anything else that's different since the new management? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mmm. They're putting a little lemon in the tuna. I love that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Beside that. Look at the waitresses. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah? (we see that all the waitresses have big breasts) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What physical characteristic would you say is common to all of them? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean look at this. Every waitress working here has the same proportions. Wouldn't you say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, I would say. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's going on here. How is that possible? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you think it's a coincidence? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. I haven't seen four women like this together outside of a Russ Meyer film. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (the waitress finally came with the coffee) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to the waitress) Hi. Excuse me. Who does all the hiring waitresses here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> He does. (pointing to the manager, Mr. Visaki) In fact we're looking for another girl if you know anyone. (she walks away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know what? That's discriminatory. That is unfair. Why should these women have all the advantages? It's not enough they get all the attention from men, they have to get all the waitress jobs, too? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey that's life. Good-looking men have the same advantages. You don't see any handsome homeless. <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (doctor's clinic) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You see, It's right here. It's all white... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Oh yeah. Yeah. I've never seen this before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You've never seen this before? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> I'm gonna have to take a biopsy on that. (George grabs the doctor's arm) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (dramatically) A what? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> A biopsy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A biopsy? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Cancer? Is it cancer? Do I have cancer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Well I don't know what it is. <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A biopsy! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did he say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He said he didn't know what it was. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. So? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get outta here". That's what I wanted to hear: "Cancer? Get outta here?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, maybe he doesn't have a "get outta here" kind of personality. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How could you be a doctor and not say "get outta here"? It should be part of the training at medical school: "Cancer? Get outta here!" "Go home! What are you crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut. You know that?" (Jerry gives him half of his sandwich to hopefully shut him up) I told you that God would never let me be successful. I never should've written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead Jerry. Because of this. (showing his lip) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can't you at least die with a little dignity? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity? <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. What happened to you yesterday? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got mugged. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You got mugged? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mugged? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I wouldn't have minded it so much but I was running home to go to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why didn't you use the bathroom in the building? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It was full. I tried a few other places, you know, but that didn't work. I mean it was an emergency Jerrry. I was really percolating... So I decided to run home through the park and then these two guys they stopped me and... <b> </b><b> </b> (door buzzer) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But now I have a big problem, buddy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I waited so long I-- I missed my chance. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You didn't go? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. And now I can't get it back. <b> </b> (George gives back the sandwich to Jerry and goes to the bathroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How could you not think about it? <b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (mumbles and leaves) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's the matter with him? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's a little backed up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh... <b> </b> (George gets back from the bathroom and takes back the sandwich from Jerry's hand and sit on the couch.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So I spoke to some of my sisters about that coffee shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, the sisters (he sits at the table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine goes into Jerry' bedroom) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Jerry) Have you seen the waitresses in there lately? I never had so much coffee in my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So we decided I should go over there and apply for a job myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Apply for a job? What for? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because, it's discriminatory (she comes back wearing one of Jerry's shirt, untucked) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a coincidence. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is what you gonna wear? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not gonna get the job. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Exactly. <b> </b> (phone rings, Jerry gets up and answers, Elaine sits on the couch's arm next to George and takes a bite of his sandwich) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to the phone) Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah I guess we could do that. At what time? All right. I'll see you there. O.K., bye. (hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who was it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> TV Elaine. She wants to get together and talk about the part. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about the dogs? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're having sex in the hotel room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Peter McManus cafe, same table as earlier) <b> </b><b> </b> Sandi Robbins) <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> So, the Elaine character is based on someone you know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> And she's really your ex-girlfriend? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, Huh, yeah. <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> I want to get to know her from the inside. What is she like? Tell me about her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals, banlon, and seeing people running for their lives. She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDI </b> How would she eat a hamburger? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> With her hands. <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> What about pasta? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Also with her hands. <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> Seriously... I want to experience everything she's experienced. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Everything? <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> Everything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right she cuts her pasta with a knife. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDI </b> That's good. What's her favorite movie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Shaft. <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> You got to get me a picture. What about sex? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She likes talking during sex. <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> Oh... dirty talking? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. Just chitchat, movies, current events, regular stuff. You know Sandi-- (looking at his watch) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDI </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> Call me Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. Elaine. <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> How does Elaine kiss? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well-- <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> Does she kiss... like this? (she kisses Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Actually she has a thing where she spirals her tongue around, it's like-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDI </b> Like this? (kisses again but with the spiral) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think you got it. <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (Kramer and Tom at a the booth behind the cashier) <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOM </b> I'll have a hamburger. That's it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, that's good. Oh, now I like to play golf. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOM </b> This stuff doesn't matter to me. See, I'm gonna do the character like me, not like you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You gotta play him like me. I'm Karmer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOM </b> I'm Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whoa, I'm Kramer. <b> </b> (scene cuts to Elaine who enters and walks to the manager) <b> </b><b> MR. VISAKI </b> (foreign accent) What can I do for you? Would you like a table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I'd like to apply for a waitress job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. VISAKI </b> (looks Elaine up and down) Have you ever waited on tables before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah. I've been a professional waitress for the last 10 years. I've worked all over the city. These, uh, are my references. I'm sure you'll find that I'm more than qualified. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. VISAKI </b> I don't think I need anyone else right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're in big trouble mister. And I mean trouble with a capital 'T'. (she leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. VISAKI </b> What? What did I do? <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission Office) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Anyway there's at least four of them, and they're all huge. And one is bigger than the next. It's like a Russ Meyer movie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRED </b> Who's Russ Meyer? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, he's this guy who made these terrible movies in the 70's with these kinds of women. He's obsessed. He's obsessed with breasts. That's hard to say. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRED </b> Anyway, go on. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um... Well, there's not really much more to tell. He was looking for waitresses, and I went in to apply for the job. And, he looked me up and down and he rejected me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRED </b> (to a guy in the hall at the water cooler machine) Paul. Come in for a second. I want you to listen to this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAUL </b> (to Elaine) Hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> FRED </b> Paul, woman here claims there's a restaurant on the West side that's only hiring large-breasted women. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAUL </b> (to Elaine) Really? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Pilot Part 1 Script

1993-05-20

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE PILOT PART 2 </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (NBC, pilot's set) <b> </b> (Jerry, Tom, and Michael are at the counter, rehearsing. George is standing and watching them next to another guy. Rita, Jay, Stu and Russell are sitting in the crowd's bleachers) <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOM </b> What do you mean made up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up. It's not Danish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOM </b> You're crazy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I'm not. (to Michael) George. Is Haagen-Dazs Danish? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> What do you mean Danish? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to the guy next to him) This guy stinks. (speaking of Michael) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Danish. Is it from Denmark? <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> No, they make it in New Jersey. It's just a Danishy name. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOM </b> I can't believe that. They fooled *me* Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RITA </b> (to Jay) Boy, talk about a show about nothing. (Jay, the integral producer, smiles stupidly) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, excuse me. (stopping them from rehearsing) Excuse me. (he walks to the guy's in charge of yelling: "take #!") This--This is not right. May I? (the guy looks at George with a bothered face. George then walks up to Tom and takes him away from Jerry and Michael to talk to him in private)(to Tom) You see, you're going: "They fooled *me* Jerry!" (George shakes his head with disapproval) You wanna hit 'fooled' more: "They *fooled* me Jerry!". You see the difference? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOM </b> I'm not gonna say it like that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just a suggestion. (chuckles and walks back to the yelling guy) <b> </b><b> </b><b> YELLING GUY </b> (with the same bothered face and while he's looking at George) All right everybody, take a five. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (very casual and raising his hand in the air) Yep. That's five! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George? (walks away to talk privately. George, still casual, taps on Jerry's shoulder) I don't have a lot of experience with this acting stuff. But from what I can gather, they're a little touchy about being told how to say the lines. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why is that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, but they don't seem to like it. By the way how am I doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, you're fine... you're fine. (looking at Tom in the back and then quieter to Jerry) So you think this guy playing Kramer took the raisins? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why would he steal a box of raisins? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, it's bizarre. (they both look around them suspiciously) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene cuts to the bleachers with the producers) <b> </b><b> RITA </b> (to Jay about Russell) What's with him? (to Russell) Russell? (louder) Russell? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> What? <b> </b><b> RITA </b> You O.K.? <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Yeah. No, uh, I was just thinking of something. I'll be back in a second. (he gets up and leaves) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene cuts to Jerry sitting next to Sandi. They're both going through their copy of the script) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDI </b> What's the matter? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing. <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> You're acting weird. Is anything wrong? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> Are you breaking up with me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are we going out? <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> You're breaking up with me, aren't you? (almost crying) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you want me to break up with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDI </b> If that's what you want. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't even know what you're talking about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDI </b> Fine. Break up with me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. We're broken up. <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> (little pause) Can we still be friends? (Jerry raises his head, staring ahead and wondering what's going on) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene cuts to George and Tom standing, backstage) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Remember when you came to audition for us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOM </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There was a box of raisins on the coffee table. Did you, by any chance, take them with you when left? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOM </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well we were all eating the raisins. And I remember you--you were eating some of the raisins. And then you left, and the raisins were gone. And I was just wondering if, you know (chuckles), maybe you took them with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOM </b> Are you accusing me of stealing the raisins? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no, no-- <b> </b><b> TOM </b> (angry) Why would I steal a box of raisins!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No you wouldn't. Nobody would. It's just that... they were missing, and... well I'm just inquiring. (chuckles nervously) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOM </b> Let me give you a word of advice. O.K.? I want you to stay away from me. I don't wanna talk to you, and I don't wanna hear anymore of your stupid little notes and suggestions. I don't like you. So if you got any other problems whether it's raisins, prunes, figs, or any other dried fruit, just keep it to yourself and stay out of my way, O.K.? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right. I don't think we're gonna have any problem with that. (chuckles nervously) Good talking to you Tom. Really. <b> </b><b> </b> (scene cuts to Russell, still on the set, but on the phone with Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> (nervously, almost desperately) Elaine. Elaine. What do you want? What can I do? Is it my job? Is that what it is? Elaine I can't go on like this. Will you call me? Would you call me? Well, why? All right. May I call you? Elaine? Elaine? (she hung up. An employee walks by, bumps into Russell and spills coffee accidentally on him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> DAVID </b> Excuse me Mr. Dalrimple. I am so sorry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> All right. All right. What's your name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DAVID </b> David Richardson. <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Get out! You're fired! <b> </b><b> DAVID </b> But Mr. Dalrimple-- <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> Don't talk back to me. Didn't you hear what I say? Get out! You want me to call the cops? I make and break little worms like you every day. Do you know how much money I make? Do you have any idea! Do you know where I live? I can have any woman in this city that I want. Any one. Now, GET OUT! (David leaves. Everyone on the set is looking at Russell) What are you all looking at? Go back to work! BACK! NOW! (they do, Russell leaves) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The doc called and said the lab's backed up and now I'm not gonna get the results for another two days. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah! You're fine. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm the one who's dying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because I can't act! I stink! I don't what I'm doing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on you're... uh... you're fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This show's gonna ruin my entire career. I don't know how I got involved in this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about me? I was a total failure. Everything was fine. Now this thing's gonna be a success and God's gonna give me a terminal disease. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This actress playing Elaine, she's out of her mind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The guy playing Kramer threatened me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'cause I asked him about the raisins. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mentioned the raisins. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did he take 'em? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well if he didn't take 'em, what happened to 'em? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's what I'm trying to find out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters slowly and carefully) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Any luck? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. No, nothing. I got no... peristalsis. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about bran? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well my friend, (Jerry puts his hand on Kramer's shoulder) it may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Pfft! Hold it right there. If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, you're wasting your time. I am not Jerry, under any circumstances, doing any inserting in that area. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it's not that bad! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes it is. <b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well it's all taken care of. I filed a report. An investigation is underway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Elaine) So, you going to the taping tomorrow night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. I don't think I should go. I really don't wanna bump into Russell. He called me the other day. He won't quit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, come on you gotta go! He's harmless. He's got a little crush on you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, this is not a crush. This is a complete fixation. he makes me very uncomfortable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We need you there! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to Kramer) Hey are you gonna go? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. No. I'm gonna stay home. I want to be close to my home base in case there's any news from the front. (he leaves) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (NBC, pilot's set, the taping) <b> </b> The taping is about to begin. <b> </b> People are walking into the studio. <b> </b> Jerry is getting a makeup. <b> </b> Michael walks around backstage, he seems nervous and agitated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Rita, Stu and Jay are sitting in the crowd. Russell is missing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George looks at his lip in a mirror. <b> </b> Tom is sitting in his dressing room, eating the raisins. <b> </b> Elaine walks into the studio, wearing and adjusting a blonde short-haired wig, and also wearing bold glsasses. <b> </b><b> </b> Scene cuts to the drugstore where Kramer is buying the dreaded apparatus. <b> </b><b> </b> Sandi, sitting next to Jerry who's still getting a makeup, is having her hair done. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDI </b> (to her hairdresser) No! Pick it up more in the front! It's got to be higher! Higher! Make a wall! A wall! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ASSISTANT DRESSER </b> Sandi, are you in wardrobe? Sandi? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Try Elaine. <b> </b><b> ASSISTANT DRESSER </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> Yes? <b> </b> (scene cuts to the crowd. Elaine is sitting in the front with her disguise, and a guy behind her taps on her shoulder) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILTON </b> Elaine? It's me-- Wilton Marshall. Remember? Camp Tioga-- 1978? Remember? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, right. <b> </b><b> WILTON </b> Wow! You know you haven't changed a bit. <b> </b><b> </b> (scene cuts to Michael, backstage, still walking around nervously. He sees Jerry and runs to him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> I can't remember my lines!!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just relax, you'll be fine. <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> I can't relax. I don't know what line! I don't know any of 'em! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're just like George. George'd do the same thing. You're just like him. It's amazing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> Help me Jerry! Help me! <b> </b> (scene cuts to the producers in the crowd) <b> </b><b> RITA </b> (to Stu) Where is Russell? <b> </b><b> STU </b> You know I don't know. I thought he was coming. I assumed he wouldn't miss it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JAY </b> He hasn't been well. <b> </b><b> STU </b> (to Rita) Can I tell you something in confidence? I think it's a woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RITA </b> How pathetic. <b> </b> (scene cuts to George on the same phone as Russell earlier) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is George Costanza, I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh, my God. WHY! WHY! WHY? What? What? Negative is good? Oh, yes of course! How stupid of me. Thank you. Thank you very much. (he hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene cuts to the crowd and we see Joe Devola is there) <b> </b> (scene cuts to Kramer entering his apartment with the dreaded apparatus) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene cuts to George, happy, eating and double-dipping chips. Tom is staring at him, George notices him, and aborts a double-dip) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (he walks casually to Tom, and taps his arm) Listen. I know we've had our problems in the past, but we got a show to do tonight. Time to pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say, let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins-- They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange to do to walk into a room, audition, and to walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always opened. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins. We'll have a nice laugh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOM </b> How would you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now, and shoved it down your throat? <b> </b><b> </b> (scene cuts to the presentor, Pat Hazell, talking to the crowd) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PAT HAZELL </b> Are you ready to meet our cast? (crowd applause) All right. <b> </b><b> </b> (scene cuts to Kramer holding and staring at the dreaded apparatus, then closing his bathroom's door.) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene cuts to Jerry, holding a microphone and talking to the crowd) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good evening, folks. How you doing? (small reaction from the crowd) Well, you sound like a great crowd. We have a show we're gonna put on for you tonight. It's a new TV show. It's what they call a pilot. And we hope it becomes a series. It's called 'Jerry', and I'm playing Jerry-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE DEVOLA </b> (getting up then shouting) SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! (he jumps over a balcony and on the stage. The crowd is yelling) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sic semper tyrannis? What is that, Latin? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it's what John Wilkes Booth yelled out when he shot Lincoln. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? What does it mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It means: "Death to tyrants". <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can see that. <b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See, now this is exciting! This is exciting! Did I miss anything already? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it starts in five minutes. You were there at the taping, what's the big deal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nah, now it's on TV. It's different. I told everybody I know to watch it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, me too. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, what about Russell? Did you hear from him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Strange. Even not showing up at the taping... <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters, singing and dancing) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, pistol-packin mama, you swing that gal around, Allemande left with the old gray hag, around and around you go. Yee-ha!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, well, well. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Congratulations. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, thank you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You went for the big "E". <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wet and wild. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. Come on sit down. It's about to start. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yes. <b> </b> (Elaine finds something under the couch cushions) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, what's this? Look. A wallet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A wallet? Let me see that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, man! It's my father's wallet! The one he thought they stole at the doctor's office that time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Shh! This is it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you like that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's) Jerry's apartment with Elaine, George and Kramer watching the pilot. <b> </b><b> </b> (TV) The pilot <b> </b> (Viewers) Characters from the season 4, watching TV in their home and commenting on the pilot.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ===(TV)=== </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "I get into a car accident. The guy that hit me doesn't have any insurance. So the judge sentences him to be my butler. Sounds like a sitcom, doesn't it?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ===(Jerry's)=== <b> </b> (they all applause as the intro ends) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bravo! <b> </b> (Kramer taps George on the shoulder) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You hurt me. <b> </b><b> ===(TV)=== </b> <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment, Michael knocks and enters) <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey George. <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> New sneakers? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> What do you need new sneakers for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I like sneakers. <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> How do you make a decision which one to wear? I'd go crazy if I have to decide which sneakers to wear every day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, you're crazy anyway. <b> </b> ===(Viewers)==== <b> </b><b> * </b> <b> </b> (Susan and Allison from 'The Smelly Car'. They're eating popcorn, sitting on a couch) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN AND ALLSION </b> (to each other while they recognize one of George's behaviors in Michael) George! <b> </b><b> </b><b> * </b> <b> </b> (Sid and the housekeeper from 'The Old Man') <b> </b><b> SID </b> What kind of stupid show is this? Hey! It's that idiot that took all my records! (the houskeeper starts laughing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> * </b> <b> </b> (John-John and Marla the virgin from 'The Contest'. Marla is under the bed sheets while John-John is sitting at the end of the bed, with the TV remote in his hands) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> John, what are you doing? Come back to bed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOHN </b> (with a Boston accent) This show looks interesting. Isn't he that Seinfeld fellow you went out with? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARLA </b> Ooh, he's horrible! Horrible! <b> </b><b> JOHN </b> Nevertheless... <b> </b><b> * </b> <b> </b> (The Drake, who went back with the Drakette, Allison, from 'The Handicap Spot'. They watch the pilot on a tiny mini-TV with a tiny antenna) <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE DRAKE </b> Ah, that Jerry's a funny guy. Huh? Got to love the Sein! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALLSION </b> Hate the Sein! (while she adjusts the tiny antenna) <b> </b><b> </b><b> * </b> <b> </b> (Ping and Cheryl from 'The Visa'. They talk in Chinese and we see sub-titles in English) <b> </b><b> </b><b> PING </b> I can't believe you liked him. <b> </b><b> CHERYL </b> I thought he was dark and disturbed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PING </b> Real perceptive. <b> </b><b> * </b> <b> </b> (Donald and his parents from 'The Bubble boy'. We see his arm coming off the bubble, between his parents. He doesn't have the TV remote anymore. His parents are laughing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> DONALD </b> This is a piece of crap! <b> </b><b> MOTHER </b> Donald, you used to like him. <b> </b><b> DONALD </b> What a sellout! Give me that remote! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MEL </b> No, Donald. <b> </b> (he grabs the remote from his father's hand and the three of them start to fight) <b> </b><b> </b> ===(Jerry's)=== <b> </b> (Jerry is getting a soda from the refrigerator) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on Jerry, the commercials almost over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know Jerry I really like this guy who's playing the butler. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah. He's good. You know he's John Ritter's cousin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ===(TV)=== </b> <b> </b> (doorbell, Jerry opens the door, it's the butler, Charles) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, Charles. <b> </b><b> CHARLES </b> Hello. So, where do you want me to start today? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you start in the bedroom? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHARLES </b> (to himself, upset) Start in the bedroom... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Tom enters) <b> </b><b> TOM </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. The butler's here. <b> </b><b> TOM </b> He is? Listen. When he's finished, send him over to my house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not sending him to your house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOM </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because the judge decreed he'd become my butler, not my friend's butler. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOM </b> Jerry, he is your butler. You can give him any order you want. That's what butlers do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I don't want to. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, my house is a pigsty, come on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (buzzer, Jerry presses the button) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> (from the buzzer's speaker) It's Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. <b> </b> (The butler comes back from the bedroom with a can of Pledge) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHARLES </b> I need more Pledge. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> More Pledge! I just bought two cans last week and I don't even have any wood in the house! <b> </b><b> </b><b> CHARLES </b> Well, it goes fast. <b> </b> (Sandi enters) <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> (to Charles, very friendly) Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CHARLES </b> Hello. (he goes back in the bedroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's all this about? <b> </b><b> SANDI </b> We had a date. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You had a date? You went out with my butler? Who said you could go out with my butler? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDI </b> Why do I need your permission? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because he's my butler! <b> </b> ===(Viewers)=== <b> </b><b> * </b> <b> </b> (Morty and Helen laughing) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> That's terrific! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> How could anyone not like him? <b> </b><b> * </b> <b> </b> (Calvin Klein with Tia from 'The Pick') <b> </b><b> C.K. </b> I like his style. He has a sort of casual elegance. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIA </b> But he picks his nose. <b> </b><b> C.K. </b> Nevertheless... <b> </b><b> * </b> <b> </b> (Sal Bass and Sidra from 'The Implant') <b> </b><b> SAL BASS </b> He's a member of our health club. Isn't he? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SIDRA </b> Yeah... <b> </b><b> SAL BASS </b> You know that Kim Novak has some big breasts? <b> </b><b> </b><b> * </b> <b> </b> (Newman sleeping and snoring in his chair while a baseball game is on TV) <b> </b><b> </b><b> (TV) </b> <b> </b> (final monologue at the comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ever notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves? <b> </b><b> </b> (quick shot at (Jerry's) they all watch) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know I think when you name a baby Jeeves, you've pretty much mapped out his future, wouldn't you say? Not much chance is gonna be a hitman I think after that. (with a British accent) "Terribly sorry Sir, but I'm going to have to whack you". <b> </b><b> </b> (end of the pilot and of the three different settings) <b> </b> (back to Jerry's) <b> </b><b> ALL </b> (applauding and shaking hands) Wooh! Yeah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow! That was great! That show was so funny. It was really funny. I'm not just saying that cause I know you. Honestly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let's go out and celebrate! (they all get up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That was so good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on let's eat something. (phone rings) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know what I think this thing is gonna get picked up George. You guys are gonna be rich! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you really think so? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And God didn't kill me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to the phone) Hello? <b> </b><b> RITA </b> Hi Jerry, this is Rita Kierson. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hi Rita. <b> </b><b> RITA </b> I'm calling to let you know that Russell Dalrimple is no longer with this network. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, my God. Did he get fired? <b> </b><b> RITA </b> To be honest with you. Nobody really knows. He seems to have disappeared. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Russell's disappeared? <b> </b><b> RITA </b> In any event, I've been made the new president of NBC. As you may or may not know, Russell and I did not see eye to eye on many, many projects. And as my first order of business, I'm, uh, passing on your show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're passing already? But the show just ended two minutes ago! <b> </b><b> </b><b> RITA </b> Well, I just got the job. Goodbye, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, see ya. (he hangs up) <b> </b> (Jerry and George stare at Elaine) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What-- What are you looking at me for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It was you! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did I do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you realize his obsession with you cost us a TV series? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I didn't know that he'd fall for me and I'd drive him insane. I mean, you know, that's not my fault. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes it is! You're very charming! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe this? What happened to him? Where the hell is he? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No one knows. <b> </b> (scnen ends) <b> </b> (Greenpeace raft on the ocean, following a whaler) <b> </b> (Russell with two other guys in the Greenpeace boat) <b> </b><b> RUSSELL </b> She works for Pendant Publishing. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. You know, I used to work for NBC, but when I go back to her this time, she'll respect me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN ON RAFT </b> You'd better get down. They might start firing soon. (harpoon fires) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (The restaurant is full of men, some of them standing and waiting for a table. Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey look at this. What is going on here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, well, well. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nothing has changed. How did this happen? (she sees the two guys of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission at a table) Ah, these are the two guys I talked to at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Hey! What are you two guys doing here? I thought you were gonna do something about this. Now you're eating here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRED </b> Oh no. That's why we're here. We're checking things out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAUL </b> Yeah, we're checking it out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to Paul) You're checking it out? <b> </b> (a man is leaving the restaurant and walks by Fred and Paul's table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> (to Fred and Paul) See you back at the office, guys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. VISAKI </b> Fred, Paul, lunch and dinner? Boy, you guys ought to move in. How about a piece of pie on me? Sophia! Take care of these fellows. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to the manager) Hey! Come here a second. I want you to know something. You are not gonna get away with this! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. VISAKI </b> Get away with what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, "with what?" You know what. With the waitresses. How they're all... alike. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. VISAKI </b> Of course they're alike. They're my daughters. <b> </b><b> </b> (they all show smiles of surprise) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (embarrassed, but smiling) Oh, your daughters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You must be very proud Mr. Visaki. (shaking his hand) And may I say sir they're lovely girls, absolutely lovely girls. It's nice to see such fine upstanding women in gainful employment, Mr. Visaki. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. VISAKI </b> Oh, here's a table for you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A table right here. <b> </b><b> MR. VISAKI </b> Peggy! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Peggy! (they all sit) His daughter Peggy. Peggy's coming over to serve. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What a family! <b> </b><b> MR. VISAKI </b> My daughter Peggy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah! Peggy. Good to see you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi Peggy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thank you very much. (Peggy leaves the menus and walks away) So guess what I got do tomorrow? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Start looking for a job. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know what you ought to do George? You should work for Greenpeace. You those people they attack the whalers out on the open sea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you crazy? You take your life in your hands with those nuts. <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Greenpeace raft) <b> </b> (Russell fell off the boat but still hangs on to a rope. The other man, still in the boat is screaming to him and holds the rope.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Keep fighting matey! Get your head above the water! I've got you matey! I've got you! Matey! (he loses the rope) I'll remember her name! Elaine Benes! I'll write to her. I'll tell her all about you and what you did out here! Goodbye, matey! Goddbye! <b> </b><b> </b> (we see the script of the pilot 'Jerry' floating on the ocean) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Pilot Part 2 Script

1993-05-16

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE MANGO </b> Written by Buck Dancer &amp; Lawrence H. Levy <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (nightclub) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave. A very few people know where it is and if you're lucky enough to see it you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find you way back after you left. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, what's her name? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Karin. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is she nice? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Great. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you like her? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think so. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't know? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't tell anymore. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well do you feel anything? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Feel? What's that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, let me ask you this: when she comes over, you're cleaning up a lot? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're just straightening up or you're cleaning? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Cleaning <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You do the tub? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> On your knees, Ajax, scrubbing, the whole deal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, I think you're in love! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Tub is love? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tub is love. So there you are. You've got a nice girl and a clean apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yep. There's one little problem. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sexual? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeeeaaah. Well..... I've never really feld confident in..... one particular aspect. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Below the equator? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nobody does. You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. Last time I got the tap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got the tap? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, you're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap. (George taps his own shoulder). You know it's like pfffff (whistling sound), all right that's enough, you're through. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The tap is tough. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's like the manager coming out and asking you for the ball. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well maybe she just wanted to move on to other business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, this wasn't moving on. I got the hook. I wish I could get a lesson in that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a very complicated area. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can go crazy trying to figure that place out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a haaazy mystery. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Anyway, I think everything else is okay. Unless of course she's faking. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine joins them) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who's faking? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Faking what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nobody's faking. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah! Orgasm? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's not faking! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How do you know? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. I can tell. It's one of my powers. Why, did you ever fake? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Of course. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You faked? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> On occasion. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And the guy never knows? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How can he not know that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because I was gooood. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and George laugh) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You didn't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You didn't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you saying... <b> </b> (George calls a waitress) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think I'll have a piece of cake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> With me? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You faked with me? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You faked with me? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You faked it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I faked it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Not bad huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Fake, fake, fake, fake. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm stunned, I'm shocked! How many times did you do this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uuuhm, all the time. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All the time?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We got a chocolate malt in here! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I'm so good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sure you are. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, listen, it wasn't you. I just didn't have 'em back then. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She faked. <b> </b> (George smiles sarcastically) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe they've all been faking. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sure they're not. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe Karin is faking. <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Kramer is lighting his cigar on the stove) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She was probably joking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No no, it was no joke. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She didn't have any? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. None. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She faked 'em all. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Faked 'em all. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well so she faked 'em, so what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The woman had an orgasm under false pretences. That's sexual perjury. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know I heard her screaming from my apartment? She woke me up a few times. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did she do it? She's like Meryl Streep this woman. And I had to work the equipment. I'm not unskilled, I'm in the union. If she'd at least told me, maybe I could have done something about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah I could have helped you out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What could you have done? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I could have given you some pointers. I know how to press those buttons body. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm feeling very inadequate about the whole thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aaaaah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't aaaaah! I'm supposed to do something with her later? I don't even think I wanna see her. <b> </b><b> </b> (The phone rings) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Giddy-up. <b> </b> (Jerry picks it up) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello... Oh hello Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So we're having dinner tonight? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, I'm not really in the mood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? What's wrong? You're not still thinking about this afternoon are you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, the grilled cheese? Naaah, they always burn the toast. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nooo, the other thing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oooh that. Well... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh come on, Jerry. Making to much of a big deal about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah I guess. So you wanna meet at that place at seven thirty? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, see you later. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bye. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bye. <b> </b> (Elaine's office) <b> </b> (Rene walks passed the office) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Rene, can you come here a second? Let me ask you something: have you ever... you know... faked it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RENE </b> Yeah, sometimes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really, like when? <b> </b><b> RENE </b> Like if we went to a Broadway show, if we had really good seats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, well... <b> </b><b> RENE </b> Well you know, if it's enough all ready and I just wanna get some sleep. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I really don't feel like seeing her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, I faked it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You faked it? Why would you do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well you know, if it's enough already and I just wanna get some sleep. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but why would you... <b> </b> (Kramer spits out his peach) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bad peach? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's terrible! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you get that at Joe's? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, of course I got it at Joe's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's surprising, his fruit is usually the best. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna return this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're returning used fruit? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry this peach is sub par. <b> </b> (Joe's) <b> </b><b> JOE </b> So what do you want me to do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I want restitution. <b> </b><b> JOE </b> Restitution? You want restitution? Why should I give you restitution? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because it's no good. <b> </b><b> JOE </b> When you put that fruit out, that's where it ends for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's still your fruit, you gotta stand behind your fruit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE </b> I stand behind my fruit. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So... <b> </b><b> JOE </b> Hey, you got a bad peach? That's an act of God. He makes the peaches. I don't make the peaches, I sell the peaches. You have a problem? You talk to him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know this whole place is going vrrrrrrrrrrrrt, downhill. I could have come in here last week with a bad plum but I let it go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE </b> Well let me put a solution for you: do your business elsewhere, I don't want your business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh now you don't want my business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE </b> No, I don't want your business and from this moment you're banned from the store, you're banned! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But what am I gonna do for fruit? <b> </b> (restaurant) <b> </b> (Karin starts moaning and lights a cigarette after finishing dinner) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You seem like you really enjoyed your Risotto. You have a very contented air over there. You look very contented, very satisfied. Are you satisfied? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KARIN </b> I'm very satisfied. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sure if you weren't satisfied you would probably say something wouldn't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KARIN </b> I probably would. But then again I'm an enigma. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey listen... instead of the movie... maybe we'll go back and... you know... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KARIN </b> Maybe. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So... you feel okay about that whole thing... what we do in there... generally okay with everything in there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KARIN </b> Generally. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you feel the way you feel after the Risotto? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KARIN </b> No, I feel full after the Risotto. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah... full. <b> </b> ((another) restaurant) <b> </b> (Elaine starts moaning after finishing dinner) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Satisfied? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, you know what? You wanna go see that new Meryl Streep movie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Meryl Streep? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You don't like her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, she's okay. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I love her Jerry, she's so authentic. I really believe everything is actually happening to her. There's no acting there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. You don't want coffee or anything do you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I really admire actors, you know. It's just such an incredible skill. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah, can we get off of this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's the matter? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're not still thinking about that are you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nooo. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Give me another shot! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Another shot, I want another shot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You mean...? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oooh no, I don't think so. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on! One shot, I can do it, I know I can do it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, we're friends! We can't do that, it would ruin our friendship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh friendship... friendship, shmanship <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry no, that's important to me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We won't ruin the friendship. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes we will! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No Jerry, it is out of the question. You know what sex does to a friendship, it kills it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A half hour, give me a half our. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, fifteen minutes. I guarantee you fifteen minutes, I can make it happen! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're worried I'll be able to do it aren't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What, no, it doesn't matter. Jerry, I don't care. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's it, that's it. You like having this over me, you don't want me to do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That is so ridiculous. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on, Elaine! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! <b> </b> (Karin's bedroom) <b> </b> (George indicates that the sex went wrong) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's Jerry's fault. <b> </b><b> KARIN </b> Jerry? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry and Elaine. They made me nuts. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KARIN </b> Oh I don't care, George, really it's all right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you feel okay? <b> </b><b> KARIN </b> Well, it's not like after the Risotto. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's car) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well good night. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I still don't understand why we had to walk out on that movie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh that Meryl Streep, she's such a phony baloney. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Goodnight. Thanks for a really fabulous evening (sarcastic). <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh what, you're upset? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes I'm upset, can't you tell? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I can't, maybe you're faking. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm really, really sorry I told you that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry too. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well stop being such a baby. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're a baby! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're a baby! <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him: 'Please wake up, do something.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're mysterious little fellows aren't they? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I hate 'em! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters the apartment) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey listen, if I give you money would you go out and get me some fruit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why can't you get it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I got banned from the store I can't go back in there now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well you know, we had a fight over the peach and... well Joe doesn't want my business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, was that a joke about Houdini? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. (And to Kramer:) I told you not to say anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, what am I gonna do for fruit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you'll have to go to the supermarket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The supermarket? That's impossible! They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don't know what's going on with the Papayas! Jerry you gotta go to Joe's, you gotta get me some fruit! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh so what I'm going to buy all your fruit now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well if Houdini couldn't do it, what chance do I have? <b> </b><b> </b> (George leaves the apartment) <b> </b> (The phone rings, Jerry picks it up) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello... Oh hi Patty, thanks for calling me back. I just wanted to ask you a question: when we we're going out did you have orgasms?... Okay, thanks... No that's it... Okay, bye. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry hangs up the phone) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Patty Lawrence had 'em! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, I'm gonna make you a fruit list, all right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b> (Jerry makes another call) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello Elaine? Patty Lorens had orgasms what do you think about that? And I got calls in to six other women and I bet you they confirm an orgasm too. So what do you have to say now Elaine?... Hello? <b> </b><b> </b> (outside Joe's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right now here's the list. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All this? It's too much. What do you need five mangos for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I like mangos. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Avocado? I don't know how to pick out an avocado. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well they gotta be soft. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How soft? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Not too soft. Better too hard than too soft. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not going through this every week, I tell you that right now. And what are these? Plums? What is that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah now get the ones that are red on the inside. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well how do I know what they look like on the inside? What do they look like on the outside? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh! And get some plantains. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Plantains? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What the hell is a plantain. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's part of the banana family. It's a delicacy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not getting any plantains. <b> </b> (Jerry enters Joe's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Joe. <b> </b><b> JOE </b> How is it going? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good, just getting some fruit for myself. Gotta have fruit in the house. I like it as a snack. Wholesome, natural, chock-full of vitamins. I don't know let's see... mangos... four plums with red on the inside... avocado... ooo, just right... and three plantains ought to do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE </b> All right, all right, just hold it right there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> JOE </b> This fruit isn't for you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, what are you talking about? <b> </b><b> JOE </b> You think I don't know? Mangos, plantains, plums with the red on the inside, that's Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't buy mangos and plantains? <b> </b><b> JOE </b> All right, get out! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're making a big mistake, Joe! <b> </b><b> JOE </b> I'll tell you something else: I don't what your business anymore either. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're saying you're banning me from the store? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE </b> That's exactly what I'm saying. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm banned?! <b> </b><b> JOE </b> You're banned. <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, where do you want it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Put it over there. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes! Oh look at this, these mangos are beautiful! Oh these are beautiful, you did good George. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer leaves the apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right I gotta get going. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got a date with Karin. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Nothing happening down there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're thinking about it too much. You're putting too much emphasis on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I knew this was gonna happen some day. It was inevitable. I've known it ever since I was a little kid. I've been waiting for it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters the apartment) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> This mango is delicious! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That reminds me, I'm not getting you guys any more fruit. That guy was eyeballing me the whole time. He gave me the creeps. All right, you owe me twenty-eight sixty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sorry, I don't have any cash. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I only got hundreds. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right I knew it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on, come on, we're gonna pay you! Here have some mango. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't want any mango. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on, take some. It's good. <b> </b> (George tries a piece) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Very good. Juicy. Ripe. This Joe's got some terrific fruit. <b> </b><b> </b> (George looks a little weird) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I feel like I got a B12 shot. This is like a taste explosion! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I told you. <b> </b> (George stands still) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think it moved. Oh my god, I think it moved. Yeah, give me the big piece. I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters the apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm back, baby, I'm back! <b> </b> (George leaves the apartment) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Want some mango? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, thanks. <b> </b> (Kramer leaves the apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well well, if it isn't the first lady of the American Theatre. What brings you here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just gonna return some of your things that were in my house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh and I've got some things of yours here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I'll get them. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm waiting. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. You got my fins? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah I got your fins. You got my poker chips? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got your poker chips. You got my goggles? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They're next to the fins. You got my cards? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're next to the poker chips. <b> </b> (They switch bags) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right and that just about... does it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, well... see you around. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, see you. <b> </b> (Elaine opens the door and then closes it again) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, let's go, I give you half an hour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come on! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you serious? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look, Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sex... to save the friendship. Well, if we have to... <b> </b><b> </b> (Karin's bedroom) <b> </b><b> KARIN </b> Oh George, oooh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Please, it's not necessary. <b> </b><b> KARIN </b> What do you mean it's not necessary? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The little extra moan you threw in there. Laying it on a bit thick, don't you think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KARIN </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What am I talking about? Come on. You don't think I bought all that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KARIN </b> What, what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're very good. Very good with the moanings and the gyrations. You really had me going there for a minute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KARIN </b> You think I was faking? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on: 'Oh George, oh Geeeooorge!' Come on! Not that I don't appreciate the effort that was put into it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KARIN </b> I'd like you to leave. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KARIN </b> I said, I would like you to leave. Come on, just get your clothes on and get out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But why? <b> </b><b> KARIN </b> Because I said so. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't find my glasses. <b> </b><b> KARIN </b> Well hurry up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I need to look for my glasses. <b> </b><b> KARIN </b> Get out! Get out!! Get out!!! <b> </b> (Jerry's bedroom) <b> </b> (Elaine is reading a magazine and Jerry is making desperate noises) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's all George's fault. All that talk about impotence. He got to me. And that orgasm stuff: orgasm this and orgasm that. It's a lot of pressure! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know I'm a little hungry. You wouldn't happen to have any of that mango left? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry looks like he's got an idea) <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Mango Script

1993-05-23

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE PUFFY SHIRT </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry and George are waiting for Kramer, so he can help them move George's stuff back into his parent's house) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe this! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it won't be for that long. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How can I do this?! How can I move back in with those people? Please, tell me! They're insane! You know that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, my parents are just as crazy as your parents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How can you compare you parents to my parents?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My father has never thrown anything out. Ever! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My father wears his sneakers in the pool! Sneakers! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Showing Jerry up) Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee.. never went 'Ha!' <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A smirk? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe!.. And I'm moving back in there! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told you I'd lend you the money for the rent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, no, no. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer stumbles in) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright. I'm ready. (To George) You know, I still don't understand - why do you want to move back in with your parents? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't want to! I'm outta money! I got 714 dollars left in the bank. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, move in here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Stopping the notion) What's that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why doesn't he just move in here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Sarcastic) Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna move in with him. He doesn't even let you use the toilet! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You can move in with me, if you want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Sincerely) Thank you.. I, uh.. that might not work out. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (The Costanza's house) <b> </b> (Jerry, George, and Kramer enter carrying George's luggage. Kramer clumsily bangs the wall with one of the suitcases) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Careful! Careful with the suitcases! We just painted! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hello, Mrs. Costanza. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Hello, Kramer. Close the door. <b> </b> (They set down George's luggage) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I gotta bring in more stuff. (Heads for the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> More stuff?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. (Exits) <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (To George) How much is there?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Annoyed) There's more. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> So, how are ya, Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fine, Mrs. Costanza. (Attempts to get Estelle to laugh) Hey, I got a terrific joke for you.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (Sits down on the couch) Nah, not interested. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no. It's really funny. There's these two guys- <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (Interrupting) Tell it to the audience. (George gives Jerry an 'I told you so' look) Here, (Picks up a plate full of sandwiches) I made some bologna <b> </b><b> </b> sandwiches. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bologna?! No one eats bologna anymore! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> What are you talking about?! Have a sandwich. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No thanks. <b> </b> (Kramer enters with some more suitcases) <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Oh, stop it! You don't want one, Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uhh.. no thanks. (Goes back out the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I think you're all a little touched in the head. (Puts the plate down) You're so worried about your health.. You're young men. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I really don't eat it. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> What am I gonna do with all these sandwiches?! Will you take them home? Give them to someone in your building? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know if I'd feel comfortable handing out bologna sandwiches in the building.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Enters with a box) Alright, that's it. Anything else? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Muttering) No, that's it. <b> </b> (A horn honks from outside the house) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I gotta go move the car. (Leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I guess we'll be going.. (Heads for the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Runs over to him, not wanting him to leave) What? You're going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wha - what are you doing later? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Elaine and I are going out to dinner with Kramer and his new girlfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> that?' <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah.. may - maybe I'll meet ya? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> No, George. We're going out to eat tonight with your father. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Mutters) Oh.. okay.. talk to you later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, take it easy. (Leaves) <b> </b> (George watches his mother sitting contentedly on the couch. She's staring off into space) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, my God.. (Buries his face into his hands) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (A Restaurant) <b> </b> (Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, and Leslie are all laughing) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, well, he had this idea of a pizza place where you make your own pie! (Laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. <b> </b><b> ELIANE </b> You remember that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, that was a good one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well.. <b> </b> (Kramer's girlfriend starts to mumble out some words, but Kramer's the only one who seems to hear her. Jerry and Elaine both bend forward, trying to hear what <b> </b><b> </b> she's saying) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me? <b> </b> (She 'talks' some more. Jerry and Elaine still can't hear her. They give up - leaning back in their seats) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah.. yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yep. Yeah.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know that, uh, Leslie (Points to her) is in the clothing business? She's a designer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Interested) Oh? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> In fact, she's come up with a new one that is going to be the big new look in mens fashions.. It's a, a puffy shirt. (Leslie mumbles to Kramer) Well, yeah, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> it - it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, a puffy shirt. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Puffy. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, see, I think people want to look like pirates. You know, it's the right time for it.. to be all puffy, and devil-may-care.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Leslie starts 'talking', Kramer laughs. Jerry and Elaine have no clue what she's saying. They lean closer) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Still laughing) That's true.. (Gets up) I'll be right back. (Walks off laughing. Jerry and Elaine are left with the low-talker. A moment passes) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, oh! (Remembers something they could talk about) Jerry's going to be on the "Today" show on Friday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's right! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yep.. yep. Um, he's promoting a benefit for Goodwill, you know, they, uh, they clothe the poor, and the homeless.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Points at Elaine) And the indigent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And the indigent, yeah.. I, I do volunteer work for them. I set the whole thing up, and I got Jerry to do it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Leslie starts talking. Of course, Jerry and Elaine can't hear her voice) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohh, yeah. Yeah.. yep. <b> </b> (Leslie talks some more) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yep. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yep.. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mmm <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (A Restaurant) <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Maybe you should take a civil service test. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Studying the salt shaker) I'm not taking a civil service test. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Look at this, George. (Takes a coin out of his pocket) You ever seen a silver dollar? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, I've seen a silver dollar. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why don't you want to take a civil service test? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> To do what?! Work in a post office? Is that what you want me to do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Would you believe when I was 18, I had a silver dollar collection? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I don't understand. You get job security - you get a pay check every week.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm a college graduate. You want me to be a mailman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Still looking at his coin) You know, I couldn't bring myself to spend one of these. I got some kind of a-a-a-a-a phobia. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> So what are you gonna do?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. I do know that I have some kind of a talent - something to offer. I just don't know what it is yet! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Looks fed up with his parents) Oh my God.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I don't like this waiter. (Holds up his hand to get the waiters attention - starts snapping) Look at him.. He sees us.. he doesn't want to come over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Needing to get away from his parents, he gets up) I need some air.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> George, where are you going?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Walks off) I got a lot of thinking to do. <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene cuts to the front of the restaurant. George accidentally runs into a woman - causing her to drop her purse. Items spill out onto the floor) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry.. (Bends down, and starts picking up her things) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Look at what you've done! You spilled my bag! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Stuttering) I, I, I, .. here, let me - let me help you.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> No, no ,no. It's all right. (Begins helping him pick her things up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It - it's just that I'm here with my parents, and my mother wants me to take a civil service test - and to tell you the truth, I don't even think I'd pass it.. So.. <b> </b><b> </b> (George hands the last of the items to her, she takes them from him, then starts to admire his hand) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Hmm.. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> (Looking at both his hands intensely) Your hands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about them? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> They're quite exquisite! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They are? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> (Mesmerized) Extraordinary! Have you ever done any hand modeling? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hand modeling? (Shakes his head 'No') <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> (Fishes a card out of her purse, then hands it to George) Here's my card. Why don't you, uh, give me a call? (Walks off) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (George is holding up his hands for Jerry to see) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Shrugs) I - I don't get it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me neither! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're hands! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This woman just set me up for a job! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Gets up, and displays his own hands) Well, what about my hands? I don't see how your hands are any better than my hands. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, are you kidding? (Points at the flaws of Jerry's hands) The knuckles are all out of proportion. you got hair over there - where do you get off <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> comparing your hands to my hands?! This is a one-in-a-million hand. (Points to his own hand) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is it! It happened to me, Jerry! I was sitting in the restaurant, the two nut jobs were talking - I couldn't take it any more. I got up, and (Makes a <b> </b><b> </b> noise) I bop into this woman.. <b> </b> (Enter Kramer) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. (He's carrying a suit cover. He hangs it on Jerry's coat hooks) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, George! (Holds out his hand. George shakes it - a hand buzzer goes off. George starts freaking out. Kramer laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you, crazy?! What are you, crazy?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You coulda damaged my hand! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Laughing) But, it's only a toy! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Explaining) George has become a hand model. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A hand model? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To George) Really? Let me look at them.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Defensively) You can look at them, but do NOT touch them. (Holds them out. Kramer studies them) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let's see.. oh, those are nice. You know, I've never noticed this before? They're smooth.. creamy.. delicate, yet (Turns to Jerry) masculine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Takes two oven mitts from his back pack) Alright, (puts them on) I gotta get going. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oven mitts? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Embarrassed) That's all I could find. (A moment passes) Would you mind getting the door? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. (Jerry opens the door for George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thank you very much. (Walks out) <b> </b> (Jerry shuts the door, then starts going through his mail) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're not going to believe what happening with Leslie. You know, ever since you agreed to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show, she's been getting <b> </b><b> </b> all these orders from boutiques and department stores.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-huh.. (Finally realizes what Kramer said, he looks up) Since I said what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Agreed to wear the puffy shirt. (Starts unzipping the suit cover) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> When you said that you'd agree to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show. (Takes the ridiculous puffy shirt out of the cover) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Goes up to it) This? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I agreed to wear this?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But, when did I do that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> When we went to dinner the other night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you, crazy?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What were you talking about when I went to the bathroom? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know! I couldn't understand a word she was saying! I was just nodding! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There you go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where I go? You mean she was asking me to wear this ridiculous shirt on national TV, and I said 'Yes'?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, yes! You said it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But, I - I didn't know what she was talking about. I couldn't hear her! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Takes it off the hook, and starts walking toward Jerry with it. He backs defensively backs away from it) Well, she asked you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I - I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV! I mean, look at it! It looks ridiculous! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you gotta wear it now! All those stores are stocking it based on the condition that you're gonna wear this on the TV show! The factory in New <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jersey is already makin' them! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're making these?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, yes. This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, - this is gonna be the new look for the 90's. You're gonna be the first pirate! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Like a little kid) But, I don't want to be a pirate! <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (The Costanza house) <b> </b> (George is giving himself a manicure over a tray. He's carefully primping his fingernails) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I knew it. I knew it.. I always knew you always had beautiful hands. I used to tell people. Frank, didn't I use to talk about his hands? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Looking up from his paper) Who the hell did'ya ever mention his hands to? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (Getting annoyed) I mentioned his hands to plenty of people! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You never mentioned them to me! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Snaps, then points to the coffee table) Hand me an Emory board. <b> </b><b> </b> (Estelle hands an Emory board to George. He takes it, then goes back to his manicure) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I always talk about your hands - how they're so soft and milky white.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> No! You never said milky white! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (Getting angry) I said milky white! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (A moment passes as George fights to keep his temper down around his parents) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Estelle) Scissor. (She gets the scissors from the coffee table and hands them to George) Don't hand them to me with the point facing out! <b> </b><b> </b> (Estelle, visibly nervous, reacts, flipping the scissors around) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're sorry?! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (Apologizing) I'll try to be more careful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Stern, angered) I hope so. (Takes the scissors) <b> </b><b> </b> (Another moment passes as George primps his hands) <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Georgie.. (Nudges George's arm, disrupting his work) Georgie, would you like some Jell-O? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (To Estelle, referring to the Jell-O) Why'd you put the bananas in there?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (Yelling) George likes the bananas! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (Trying to match her tone) So let him have bananas on the side! <b> </b><b> </b> (George stands up with the manicure tray. He's obviously had enough) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright! Please, please! I cannot have this constant bickering!.. Stress is very damaging to the epidermis! Now, I have an important photo session in the <b> </b><b> </b> morning - my hands have got to be in tip-top shape, so please - keep the television down, and the conversation to a minimum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (Meek) But Georgie.. what about the Jell-O? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Definite) I'll take it in my room. (Walks off) <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (A Today Show dressing room) <b> </b> (Jerry's in a back room, getting dressed while Kramer's thumbing through a magazine. There's a knock at the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, come in. <b> </b> (A Today Show stagehand enters) <b> </b><b> STAGEHAND </b> I just wanted to let you know he's got about five minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Giddy-Up. (Stagehand leaves) Jerry! Five minutes! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry walks out from the back room wearing the 'puffy' shirt. He has the expression of extreme resentment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now that's a great looking shirt! (Gets up, admiring the shirt) Ayye Captain! (Growls like a pirate) Yeah! I'm glad I ironed it. It's perfect. (Walks around <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry, inspecting the shirt) Look at it! It's fantastic! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Resisting) Kramer, how am I gonna wear this?! I can't wear this! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Reassuring) Hey, this look's better than anything you own. You know, in two months time, everybody's gonna be wearing the (imitates a pirate) pirate <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> look. Aye! <b> </b> (A knock at the door, Kramer answers it - it's Elaine) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, Kramer. Guess what - I just saw Bryant Gumbel, he said he might help out at the benefit! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Great. <b> </b> (Elaine stops in her tracks when she sees Jerry in the shirt. Then, bursts out laughing hysterically) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Between laughs) What is that?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's the puffy shirt. Look at it, eh? Whatd'ya think? Is it cool or what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (To Jerry) Why're you wearing that now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Obviously mad at the situation he's in) 'Why am I wearing is now?'? I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now - because the lowtalker asked me to, that's why! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> And I said 'yes'. Do you know why? Because I couldn't HEAR her! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> When did she, (Snickers) when did she ask you this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When we were at dinner, when Kramer went to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I didn't hear anything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Yelling out) Of course not! Nobody hears anything when this woman speaks! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Just now making the matter serious) Well, you can't wear that on the show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (To Elaine, muffled, low, and threatening) Elaine, you want to stop? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Turning around to Kramer) Wha- What? No. (Back to Jerry) Jerry, you are promoting a benefit to CLOTHE homeless people. You can't come out <b> </b><b> </b> dressed like that! You're all puffed up!.. You look like the Count of Monte Cristo! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Arms out, complaining) I have to wear it! The woman has orders for this shirt based on me wearing it on TV.. they're producing them as we speak! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Arguing) Yeah, but you're supposed to be a compassionate person! That cares about poor people! You look like you're gonna.. swing in on a <b> </b><b> </b> chandelier! <b> </b> (A knock at the door, Jerry answers) <b> </b><b> STAGEHAND </b> (Looking down at a clipboard, enters) Okay, let's go. (Looks up, points at Jerry's puffy shirt) Is that what you're wearing? <b> </b><b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (A photographer's studio) <b> </b> (George is holding out his hands while a man and woman marvel at them. A photographer is fooling around with a camera towards the right wall) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> I've never seen hands like these before.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> They're so soft and milky white. <b> </b><b> PHOTOGRAPHER </b> You know who's hands they remind me of? (Pauses for effect) Ray McKigney. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The woman nods as the man looks off into space) <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Ugh.. Ray. <b> </b><b> PHOTOGRAPHER </b> He was it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who was he? <b> </b><b> PHOTOGRAPHER </b> The most exquisite hands you've ever seen.. Oh, he had it all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Hands still out, even though they've stopped looking at them) What happened to him? <b> </b><b> </b> (Obviously a touchy subject, the woman coyly walks over to the photographer, and they both occupy themselves. The man is left to tell George the answer to his <b> </b><b> </b> question) <b> </b><b> MAN </b> (Clears throat) Tragic story, I'm afraid. He could've had any woman in the world.. but none could match the beauty of his own hand.. and that became his <b> </b><b> </b> one true love.. <b> </b> (Long pause) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You mean, uh..? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Yes. he was not.. master of his domain. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Makes a gesture saying he understands. The man nods) But how.. uh..? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> (Quick, to the point) The muscles.. became so strained with.. overuse, that eventually the hand locked into a deformed position, and he was left with nothing <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> but a claw. (Holds hand up, displaying a claw-like shape) He traveled the world seeking a cure.. acupuncturists.. herbalists.. swamis.. nothing helped. Towards the <b> </b><b> </b> end, his hands became so frozen the was unable to manipulate utensils, (Visibly disgusted by this last part) and was dependent on Cub Scouts to feed him. I hadn't <b> </b><b> </b> seen another pair of hands like Ray McKigney's.. until today. You are his successor. (George looks down at his hands) I.. only hope you have a little more <b> </b><b> </b> self-control. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Smiling to himself) You don't have to worry about me. (Nodding, gloating) I won a contest. <b> </b><b> </b> (The man nods, unsure of what to say or do) <b> </b><b> PHOTOGRAPHER </b> Ok, let's get to work. <b> </b> (Scene ends) <b> </b> (The Today Show) <b> </b> (Jerry's in the guest chair, and Bryant Gumbel's in the interviewer's spot. Jerry, visibly, does not want to be there) <b> </b><b> </b><b> BRYANT </b> (Talking directly to the camera) Back now, 7:46. On Tuesday the 19th here in New York there will be a benefit for the Goodwill Industries - a used <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> clothing organization that provides service to the needy. One of the performers will be comedian Jerry Seinfeld. (Turns to face Jerry) Jerry, good morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Mumbling out) Thank you, Bryant. <b> </b><b> BRYANT </b> (Pointing out) And speaking of clothing , that is a very, very unusual shirt you have on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Looking down at the shirt) Oh, thank you. <b> </b><b> </b> (Backstage, Kramer's standing with his girlfriend. She's brimming with pride) <b> </b><b> </b><b> BRYANT </b> You're all kinda, (Waves his hands around) all kinda "puffed up". (Chuckles) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it's a puffy shirt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Puffy Shirt Script

1993-05-30

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE GLASSES </b> Written by Tom Gammill &amp; Max Pross <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (nightclub) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I never get enough sleep. I stay up late at night, cause I'm Night Guy. Night Guy wants to stay up late. 'What about getting up after five hours sleep?', oh that's Morning Guy's problem. That's not my problem, I'm Night Guy. I stay up as late as I want. So you get up in the morning, you're ..... (?), you're exhausted, groggy, oooh I hate that Night Guy! See, Night Guy always screws Morning Guy. There's nothing Morning Guy can do. The only Morning Guy can do is try and oversleep often enough so that Day Guy looses his job and Night Guy has no money to go out anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Elaine and Jerry hang out the window) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you ever spit on anybody from here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. You? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. Do you ever think about it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Me too. <b> </b> (Kramer enters the apartment) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I got it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got me the air conditioner? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What do you think? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Beautiful! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What air conditioner? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My buddy works in an appliance store and he got us thirty percent off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is it a good one? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Good one? It's the Commando 8. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Commando 8? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> 12.000 BTU's. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought you hated air conditioning. You've never had an air conditioner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, but Amy likes air conditioning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oooh, you're getting an air conditioner for Amy. (In a wining voice:) Amy doesn't like the temperature up here. She's a little hoooot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, so, I'm gonna measure the window up, okay buddy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b> (George enters the apartment wearing goggles) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, rock on! <b> </b> (Kramer leaves the apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I gotta get out of this city. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're tunneling to the center of the Earth? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm at the health club and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You don't have an old pair? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I broke 'em playing basketball. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He was running from a bee. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now if I wanna see anything I gotta wear these. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, those are prescription goggles? What is there to see in a health club pool? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's a lot of change down there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When I find that guy, this much I vow: those glasses will be returned to their rightful owner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters the apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What kind of a sick, demented person wants another person's glasses? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, especially those frames. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know you ought to do? Go see my friend Dwayne at J &amp; T Optical and Columbus Avenue. He'll give you thirty percent off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, come on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, he just got me thirty percent off on an air conditioner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Retail is for suckers. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wow. What do I have to do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You just gotta mention my name. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's it. <b> </b> (J &amp; T Optical) <b> </b> (George tries on a pair of glasses) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about these? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They look good. I liked the other one too. I've liked about five of them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a tough decision. I have to wear these every day. I'm deciding on a new face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on, George. Pick a face and go with it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Now those look good, they're very bold. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, they are bold. Jerry, what do you think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (While looking at posters of women wearing glasses:) I think these women would be pretty good looking if they weren't wearing glasses. <b> </b><b> </b> (A man with a dog enters the store) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi there, little doggy. (And to the owner:) Do you mind if I pet your dog? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOG OWNER </b> It's okay with me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey little doggy. <b> </b> (Elaine pets the dog and he bites her) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aaah! <b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> Hey, you can't have that dog in here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The man leaves the store taking his dog with him) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you okay? Did he bite you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can you believe that guy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm okay, it's just a nick. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He just walked away! And once again I'm standing here like a little man. Well not this time! <b> </b><b> </b> (George leaves the store and follows the dog owner) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You! Dog man! <b> </b> (George, without his glasses, squints and it looks like he sees something interesting. He enters the store again) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My leg looks pretty bad. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh I'm gonna take you over to the emergency room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To George:) Hey, any luck? Did you catch 'em? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uuh, no. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, I'm gonna take Elaine over to the hospital. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (In a really strange way:) Good, good, do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the matter? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no, nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't tell you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, can we go? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah, in a second, in a second. (And to George:) What do you mean you can't tell me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't tell you, don't ask. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm asking! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, my leg. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah, take care. <b> </b> (Jerry throws her some toilet paper) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on, George, what is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I saw Amy making out with your cousin Jeffrey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They were right outside! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Amy and Jeffrey? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, positive. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you can't see, there's no lenses in those frames. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know! I was squinting. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Listen, Jerry, you just catch up with me okay? You can just follow the trail of blood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're gonna have to talk about this later. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine holds the door open for Jerry) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. Taxi! <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine leave the store) <b> </b> (George tries on another pair of glasses) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To the store owner:) Excuse me, what do you think of these? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> Oh, we just got those in. It's a very exciting new frame. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, it is exciting! All right, this is gonna be my new face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> All right, you have a prescription? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b> (George hands over the prescription) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer... <b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer... <b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> What about him? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You do know Kramer? <b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> Yes... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm mentioning his name. <b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because... you know... <b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> No, I don't know. Look, I'm gonna need a deposit on these. <b> </b><b> </b> (hospital) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey? It's not possible! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not? They could have met. She loves the park, he works for the Parks Department. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, that is so ridiculous. But, George didn't even have his glasses on! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But he was squinting. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you kidding? I've seen 'em squint. He can squint his way down to like twenty, thirty vision. Once we were driving down from the Catskills and he lost his glasses. He squinted his way from Wortsborough down to the Tappan Zee Bridge! He was spotting raccoons, on the road! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTER </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay? That's it? I don't need a shot? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTER </b> Not shot, dog bite. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTER </b> Not shot, dog bite. Woof woof, not bang bang. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry and Amy watch television) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now, look at this. Cable's out. <b> </b><b> AMY </b> Oh that's okay, we don't have to watch tv. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, no. No trouble at all, it's a principal the thing. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry picks up the phone and dials the number) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I like them to know that I know what's going on. That they're not... getting away with anything. Oh, I'm on hold. So, what did you do yesterday? <b> </b><b> </b><b> AMY </b> Yesterday? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, you remember yesterday? Beautiful day... good day to be... out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AMY </b> I didn't do anything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh you must have done something. <b> </b><b> AMY </b> No, nothing really. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Didn't go out of the house? Didn't take a walk... on Columbus Avenue? <b> </b><b> </b><b> AMY </b> Well, I did go out for a little while. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, your day's getting more interesting already. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry shows the phone) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, see, told me they'd be back in a minute and THEY lied. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AMY </b> You can't thrust anyone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No you can't. Now let's cut the ball, sister! You think I don't know about you swapping spit with somebody yesterday on Columbus Avenue? <b> </b><b> </b><b> AMY </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, my friend saw you. <b> </b><b> AMY </b> Saw me? With who? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You tell me. <b> </b><b> AMY </b> There's nothing to tell. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There isn't? <b> </b><b> AMY </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh... all right... wanna get some pizza? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Amy stands up and walks away) <b> </b><b> AMY </b> I had a feeling this was to good to be true. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> AMY </b> I knew there had to be another side to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, there's no side! <b> </b><b> AMY </b> There is a side, an ugly side. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, no ugly side. <b> </b><b> AMY </b> Look, I think I'm gonna go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> AMY </b> It's really hot in here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uuh, so we can still go out on Friday though? <b> </b><b> </b><b> AMY </b> Yeah. When are you getting an air conditioner? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's coming! It's a Commando 8! 12.000 BTU's! It's gonna be like a meat locker in here. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was an idiot for listening to you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, I saw what I saw. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ooh, everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she sees a side. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What side? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A bad side, an ugly side. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ooh, so what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what? I wasn't planning on showing that side for another six months. Now you make me throw off the whole learning curve. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why don't you just ask Jeffrey? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, he'd just deny it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There must be some way to find out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Amy said nothing happened. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you're gonna take her word over mine? I'm your best friend! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but you're blind as a bat! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was squinting! Remember that drive from Wortsborough? I was spotting those raccoons. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey look, a dime. <b> </b> (George walks over to the other end of the room and picks up a dime) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mercury head. You mind? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Stunned:) No, keep it. <b> </b> (Elaine enters the apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey what happened to you? You buzzed five minutes ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There was a dog in front of the building and it spooked me. I couldn't come in until he left. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A little white dog? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Snowball? You were afraid of Snowball? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm afraid of dogs now. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's like a squirrel. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well he frightened me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you get the shot? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. He said I didn't need a shot. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You got bit by a strange dog and you didn't get a rabies shot? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What, you think I should have? <b> </b> (George indicates 'yes') <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, you should just go back to the optical store and ask Dwayne if he knows the name of the owner of the dog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, that's a good idea. I'm gonna do that. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters the apartment) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The AC is on his way. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pardon me, I went to see your friend Dwayne... there was no discount. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's right, no discount! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well did you mention my name? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, I mentioned your name. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bubkis! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now I don't believe this. That guy owes me big time. I got him off sugar! Look, I'm gonna go down there with you right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, let me just... I'm gonna grap an apple. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Little Snowball? He runs on batteries! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George takes a bite out of an union) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, George, that's an union. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes it is. <b> </b> (And he takes another bite) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He couldn't tell an apple from an union and he's your eye witness? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I saw them making out, you can believe it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know what to believe! You're eating unions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, all you gotta to is get Amy and Jeffrey together somewhere, that's it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey wait a second, wait a second. I'm going over to Jeffrey's apartment tomorrow night to pick up these Paul Simon tickets. I'm gonna surprise Amy. All I gotta do is bring her with me. And then when Jeffrey opens the door, it's Howdy Doody time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Right this way, mister Doody! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You'll see I'm right. <b> </b> (J &amp; T Optical) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Dwayny. <b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> Oh hello Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What is going on here? <b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm talking about the thirty percent discount. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uhm excuse me... uh... a man came in here... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine, don't interrupt, they're discounting something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> Who said anything about a discount. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooh, how quickly we forget. You owe me buddy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> For what? <b> </b> (Kramer pulls out a candy bar) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Remember this? <b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Six months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast and chasing it with a ring ding. And two butter fingers on the train. Sounds familiar? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> Put that away! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Remember that night I found you at Dinky Donuts? You were all hopped up on cinnamon swirls! They wouldn't serve you anymore! You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's fruit stand and stuff a cantaloupe down your throat! So much for gratitude... yeah, yeah, yeah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> All right, all right, all right! I'll give him the discount, just put that thing away! This squares us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can I just have the name... <b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> Out! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We'll see you Dwayne. <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (George shows Jerry his glasses) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know what to tell you, Elton. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (While reading a book:) Oh oh, listen to this, this is not good, listen to these symptoms for rabies: anxiety, irritability. I got those, I'm irritable! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To George:) Who picked these out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I did! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're ladies' glasses! All you need is that little chain around your neck so you can wear 'em while you're playing Canasta. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well Elaine was supposed to help me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine runs over to George and starts screaming) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! I got bit by a dog! I had to go to the hospital! I was bleeding to death! I can't solve every little problem you have! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sorry... sorry. <b> </b> (Kramer enters the apartment with the air conditioner in his arms) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Commando 8 has arrived! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Take it to the window. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> 12.000 BTU's of raw cooling power. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer places the air conditioner in the window) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Installed! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's it? You don't have to screw it in or anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, just plug it in and the Commando 8 does the rest. (And to Jerry:) I'll seal that up later, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just in time for Amy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah, when are you gonna execute that plead? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've got such a headache. Oh, that's another symptom! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Of what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Rabies. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh that's fatal, you don't want that! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine runs over to Kramer and starts screaming again) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid hipster dufus! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, hey, what is this? What's going on here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sorry, Kramer, I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, it's all right. I had a friend who had rabies once. <b> </b><b> </b> (George's eating chips) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> May I have one of those, madam? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Madame? What are you calling me madam for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They're ladies' glasses. <b> </b> (Kramer takes George's glasses and shows him the inside) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now look here, see it's right here: Gloria Vanderbilt Collection. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He sold me ladies' glasses! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I... I think I'm... I'm having trouble swallowing. I can't... I can't swallow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She's got rabies, just like my friend Bob Sacamano. She's delirious. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine drinks some water and drools) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She's foaming at the mouth! <b> </b> (hospital) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is this gonna hurt? <b> </b><b> DOCTER </b> Yes, very much. <b> </b> (Elaine gets the shot) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What if Jeffrey's not home. Did you ever think of that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh he'll be home, it's Friday night. That's the big night on the Nature Channel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Let me tell you this: there is no way cousin Jeffrey is dating Amy. He looks like a horse! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He does look like a horse. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, he's got a real horse face. (Elaine, while looking out the window:) Here, look at this! It's the guy with the dog! (She opens the window and screams:) Hey! You down there! Remember me? I had to get shot because of your stupid dog! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOG OWNER </b> Who are you calling stupid? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, shall we spit on him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no no no, come on, let's go downstairs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters the apartment) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Singing:) Oh myyyy papayaaaa. <b> </b> (The air conditioner wobbles) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The air conditioner! <b> </b> (Kramer tries to keep it from falling by holding it's cord, but it snaps) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I think it got the dog! <b> </b> (New York Health Club's locker room) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh boy. <b> </b><b> BLIND MAN </b> Excuse me, I'm new here, would you mind walking me back to my locker? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh uuh, sure, hang on. Hey, that's the guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BLIND MAN </b> What guy? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The guy that stole my glasses. This time I got 'em! <b> </b><b> </b> (George follows the man onto the street, dragging the blind man with him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Would you pick it up a little? <b> </b><b> BLIND MAN </b> Where the hell are we going? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's getting on a bus, damn! (To the blind man:) Those are nice glasses. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BLIND MAN </b> I don't like 'em, they pinch my nose. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is that really? <b> </b> (J &amp; T Optical) <b> </b> (George has taken the blind man with him) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dwayne, my friend and I would like to exchange frames. Could you put his lenses in my frames and mine in his? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> (While eating a candy bar:) Yeah, we can do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And I'd like a discount. <b> </b><b> DWAYNE </b> Why should I give you a discount. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Listen, you're lucking I'm not asking for a refund. You gave me ladies' frames! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BLIND MAN </b> What's that about ladies' frames? <b> </b> (The man with the dog enters and the dog wears a collar) <b> </b><b> DOG OWNER </b> I'm trying to track down that lady that was in here the other day, the one that was messing with my dog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, well, she's trying to track you down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOG OWNER </b> Well I would love to talk with her. She lives on 81st Street, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, that's Jerry. <b> </b><b> DOG OWNER </b> Really? You wouldn't happen to know what apartment he's in, would you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, 5A! <b> </b><b> DOG OWNER </b> Thanks a lot! <b> </b> (in front of Jeffrey's apartment) <b> </b><b> AMY </b> So what are we doing here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you'll find out. <b> </b><b> AMY </b> I don't know, you're acting very mysteriously. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm very mysterious by nature. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry knocks on the door) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A lot of women find that attractive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AMY </b> I find it annoying. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b> (Uncle Leo opens the door) <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Helloooo! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uncle Leo! <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Come on in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is Amy. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Hello Amy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Unlce Leo, what are you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Jeffrey went out tonight. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ooh! Very convenient. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> I'm supposed to tape this nature show for him, he loves nature. Botany, zoology. You know his botany teacher from college stays in close touch with him? They became friends! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh really? <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> That's pretty rare! I mean, actual friends! Like equals! They have dinner together, they have discussings... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uncle Leo! Did he leave any tickets here for me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Oh yeah yeah, I'll get 'em. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> AMY </b> What tickets? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> To the Paul Simon concert in the park! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AMY </b> We're going to the Paul Simon concert? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's right, lady! <b> </b><b> AMY </b> Oh what a great surprise! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you'd like that. <b> </b><b> AMY </b> Oooh, that's why you've been acting so mysteriously. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now you know. That, and that alone, is the reason. <b> </b><b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Hear Jeffrey's favorite animal: the leopard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AMY </b> Why is that? <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> He likes the spots. Oh uh, here's the tickets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Oh uh, he asked me to give you a message. He said that he's very sorry and he hopes you'll forgive 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Amy:) Aha! So it's true! You were making out with him! <b> </b><b> </b><b> AMY </b> What are you talking about, I don't know Jeffrey. Oh so this is why you brought me up here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh very convincing, but it's not gonna work this time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> What are you talking about? All he meant was that he was sorry that the seats aren't very good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh... oh... wanna get some pizza? <b> </b> (in front of J &amp; T Optical) <b> </b> (George is walking with the blind man) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait, these really do pinch the nose. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George takes of his glasses) <b> </b><b> BLIND MAN </b> Tough luck! Deal's a deal. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh my got it is them. <b> </b> (George puts on his glasses again and sees it's a woman kissing a horse) <b> </b><b> </b> (New York Health Club locker room) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I still don't know how you spotted that dime. I think you planted it. Plus I've got to pay that vet bill for the stupid dog. I don't know how that guy got my name. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Boy these really do pinch. I tell you, if I ever find the son of a bitch that stole my glasses... <b> </b><b> </b> (The camera shows George's glasses on top of his locker) <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Glasses Script

1993-10-07

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SNIFFING ACCOUNTANT </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry, George and Elaine at Monk's Cafe) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, does he like you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you think? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You like him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah like him, definitely like him. I like him a lot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's wrong with him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nothing, and I've looked. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm sure you'll find something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, how did you meet him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> In the office. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, he's a writer. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, big surprise. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, I was sitting at the reception desk, I was looking pretty hot. I was wearing my sling back pumps. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are those? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ask your mother, you live with her now, don't you? Anyway, so then this guy comes up to me and starts feeling my jacket through his thumb and his forefinger <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> like this. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, what did you do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I said: "So, what do you think?". And he said, "Gabardine?". And I said, "Yeah." That was it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wow, just felt your material? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah...Jake Jarmel. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sounds like a cool guy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sounds like a jerk. Felt your material, come on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, where did you get that sweater? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you think? I found it at the back of my closet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think that's what the back of closets are for. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine looks out the window <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, that's Barry. Look it's Barry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who's that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's Barry Prophet, he's our accountant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know how you can let this guy handle all your money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, he doesn't handle my money, he handles Jerry's money. He just does my taxes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Barry comes in <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Barry, how you doing? This is my friend George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BARRY </b> Hi George. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, what are you doing on this neighborhood? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BARRY </b> Nothing really. sniffs You, eh, you eat here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, so how's my money? <b> </b><b> BARRY </b> Still green. sniffs <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, you got a cold? <b> </b><b> BARRY </b> No, no. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow, look at that ring. <b> </b><b> BARRY </b> Oh, you like that? sniffs Say, where's the bathroom? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bathroom, bathroom is right over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Barry goes to bathroom <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you see that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, I saw that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What was all that sniffing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't think...? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no! Come on Jerry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He was definitely sniffing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean what if, what if, this this guy has got all my money. Plus he has got some Kramer's money with him. This guy can write checks to himself right out of my account. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I have known this guy since college. He doesn't do drugs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then, what was all that sniffing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe it's the cold weather. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Today is not cold. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, I've got to get going. My parents are expecting me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Don't forget to wash your hands before supper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Costanza's. George, Estelle and Frank are eating dinner. George is pounding a ketchup bottle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Why do you need all that ketchup for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is my ketchup. I bought this ketchup just so I could have as much as I want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> So, I talked to Phil Casacof today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Phil Casacof? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Yeah, you know my friend, the bra salesman. He says they are looking maybe to put somebody on so I got you an interview next Friday with his boss. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Next Friday, what time? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> 2 o'clock. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's my whole afternoon! I was going to look for sneakers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You can look for sneakers the next day! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> He doesn't know anything about bras. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know a little. Besides, what do you have to know? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Well, it wouldn't hurt to go in the and be able to discuss it intelligently. Maybe you should take a look at a few bras? Where is you bra? Give him a bra to look. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I am not giving him a bra. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Because I don't need him looking at my bra. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Why, so he'll go to the interview and he wouldn't know what he's talking about!?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do we have to...? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You don't even know what they're made from. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They are made from lycra-spandex. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Get out of here! Lycra-spandex? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I think they are made from lycra-spandex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Wanna bet? How much you wanna bet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I'm not betting! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Take a look. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> All right, I'll get a bra. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I don't know what the big problem is getting a bra?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She doesn't want to get a bra. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I'm not saying go to the library and read the whole history, but it wouldn't kill you to know a little bit about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, it wouldn't kill me. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I-I know about the cups. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Here, here's the bra. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Let me see it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Let me see it. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I told you. Here, think you know everything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Hmm, that's surprising. All right, what else? You got the cups in the front, two loops in the back. All right, a guess that's about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got it. Cups in the front, loops in the back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> You got ketchup on it! <b> </b> George takes his plate and the ketchup and leaves. <b> </b><b> - </b> <b> </b> 5A. Jerry and Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sniffing, what do you mean sniffing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sniffing, with his nose. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, he probably had a cold. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I asked him. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, what are you saying? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, you know, what if...? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Drugs? You think he's on drugs? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. All I know he was sniffing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, listen, we went in on a CD together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And Newman gave you money too. I didn't even meet this guy. We trusted you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, it doesn't necessarily mean anything yet, it just means he was sniffing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, what else? Was he nervous? Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, he didn't use 'man'. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I mean when he was leaving did he say I'm splittin' ? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, but in one point he did use the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whoh! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you think that's a bad sign? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes!! Yes, that's what they do! They live in the bathroom! All right, what are we going to do? We are going to get our money back, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. This sweater really itches me. You want it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine's apartment. Jake is there and Elaine comes in. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello.... hello, oh... <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Well, you notice anything? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You have cleaned out the whole apartment and you're making dinner. Oh, you are a perfect, you are a perfect man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jake feels Elaine's coat material. <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Ooh... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did anyone call? <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> I got a few messages, I wrote them down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where are they? <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Lets see, they are...here they are. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thank you. Heh, I'll call you back.Ooh, Myra had the baby! Oh, my God that's wonderful! Who called? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JAKE </b> She did. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She did? Oh, that's so great! <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Where do you keep the corkscrew? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> In the drawer on the right. Hmm... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JAKE </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh it's nothing. <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's nothing. <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Tell me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I was just curious why you didn't use an exclamation point? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JAKE </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See, right here you wrote "Myra had the baby", but you didn't use an exclamation point. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JAKE </b> So? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, it's nothing. Forget it, forget it, I just find it curious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JAKE </b> What's so curious about it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I mean if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You don't think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Hey, I just chalked down the message. I didn't know I was required to capture the mood of each caller. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I just thought you would be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Ok, I'm excited. I just don't happen to like exclamation points. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you know Jake, you should learn to use them. Like the way I'm talking right now, I would put an exclamation points at the end of all these sentences! On this one! And on that one! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Well, you can put one on this one: I'm leaving! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> 5A. Jerry and Elaine <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're out of your mind you know that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's an exclamation point! It's a line with a dot under it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I felt a call for one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A call for one, you know I thought I've heard everything. I've never heard a relationship being affected by a punctuation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I found it very troubling that he didn't use one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George was right. Didn't take you long. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Anything new on that guy on drugs? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's not on drugs. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Then why the sniffing? Who walks around sniff, sniff sniffing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, here, you call him right now. See if he's sniffing right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good idea. <b> </b><b> VOICE ON THE PHONE </b> Prophet and Goldstein. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, I'd like to speak to Barry Prophet, please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VOICE </b> I'm sorry he's out of town. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Out of town? <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Yes, he went to South America. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> South America? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> South America? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll call back, thank you. He went to South America! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yyyeeaaah!! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who goes to South America? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> People go to South America. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, and they come back with things taped to they're large intestine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, because of a few bad apples you're gonna impugn an entire continent? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, I'm impugning a continent. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I say we're going to take our money right now! <b> </b><b> </b> Newman enters <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hey, hey... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello Newman. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello Jerry. So, any news? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, he skipped out and ptruut went to South America! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> South America?! What kind of snow blower did you get us mixed up with? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ok, gentlemen. The fact remains you still have no proof. This is all speculation and hearsay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait, there is one way to find out. We set up a sting. You know like Abscam. Like Abscam Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you gonna do? You gonna put on a phony beard and dress-up like Arab sheiks and sit around in some hotel room. I mean come on... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second. Maybe there is someway we can tempt him and find out... <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> If we put our three heads together we should come up with something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> - </b> <b> </b> Jerry, Kramer and Newman in the Saab <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's today? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It's Thursday. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Really? Feels like Tuesday. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I feel Tuesday and Wednesday... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, shut up the both of you! You're making me nervous. Where is he already? He should've been out of work by now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hey, you know this is kind of fun. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, maybe we oughta become private detectives... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah maybe you should. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Maybe I will. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yeah, me too. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, what are you gonna say to him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Just gonna find out if he's interested. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hey, hey maybe I should go with him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, you stay in the car. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Who made you the leader? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right Newman, one more peep out of you and you're out of the whole operation! There he is. He's going to that bar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, I'm going in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Be careful Kramer. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I've should've gone in with him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, you stay here in the car. I may need you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What you need me in the car for? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I might need you to get me a soda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> In the bar. Barry is drinking by the counter. Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll have a brewsky , Charlie. <b> </b><b> BARTENDER </b> Name's Mitch. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, there's nothing like a cold one after a long day, eh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BARRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, I've been known to drink a beer or two. But then again, I've been known to do a lot of things. <b> </b><b> </b> Waiter opens the counter which hits Kramer on the head <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Cigarette? <b> </b><b> BARRY </b> No, I never touch them. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I suck'em down like Coca-Cola. Well here's to feeling good all the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer drinks the beer and smokes the cigarette at the same time <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Barry sniffs <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Looks like you've got yourself a little cold there, eh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BARRY </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Me neither. <b> </b> Kramer puts the cigarette wrong way to his mouth <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Back in the car with Jerry and Newman. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You should try this new dental floss Glide, it's fantastic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I use dental tape. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You should try this. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I don't wanna. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not even once? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're an idiot. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Why, because I use dental tape? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right, anyone who uses dental tape is an idiot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Back in the bar. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> South America? <b> </b><b> BARRY </b> Yeah, yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's importuning(?) continent. <b> </b><b> BARRY </b> They are expanding their economic base. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Tell me about it. <b> </b><b> BARRY </b> Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm hip. <b> </b><b> BARRY </b> Hip to the what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> To the whole scene. sniff <b> </b><b> BARRY </b> What scene? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The bathroom scene. sniff, sniff <b> </b><b> BARRY </b> Listen, don't take this personally, but when I'm coming back I'm sitting over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Back in the car. Newman takes a dental floss out of his mouth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> No, no I don't like it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean you don't like it? How could you not like it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I like the thick tape. <b> </b> Newman puts dental floss on the dashboard. Jerry looks disgusted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The bar. Kramer enters the bathroom, kicks the door open and takes a photograph. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BARRY </b> Heeyy!! What kind of a nut are you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George's job interview. <b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> So, basically the job here is quite simple. Selling bras. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, that interests me very much Mr. Farkus.Very much indeed, sir. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> Have you ever sold a woman's line before? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, but I have very good repute with women, very good, top form. And the first time I laid my I on brassieres I was enthralled. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> Hum. tell me about it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I was 14 years old. I was in my friends bathroom. His mother's brassieres were hanging on the shower rod. I picked it up, studied it. I thought, I like this. I didn't know what way or what level, but I knew: I wanted to be around brassieres. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> That's incredible story. You have a remarkable passion for brassieres. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They are more than an underwear to me Mr.Farkus. Two cups in the front, two loops in the back. How do they do it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> Well, I think I can say, barring some unforeseen incident, that you'll have a very bright future here at ED Granmont. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thank you Mr.Farkus, thank you very much indeed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> See you monday 9 o'clock. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If you don't mind, sir. I'll be here at 8. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> Excellent. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So long, Mr. Farkus. <b> </b> George leaves the office and goes to the elevator. A women there is waiting for the elevator. George felts her blouse material. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MS. DE GRANMONT </b> What you're think you're doing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, nothing... <b> </b><b> MS. DE GRANMONT </b> Farkus, get out here! <b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> Yes, Ms. De Granmont? <b> </b><b> MS. DE GRANMONT </b> Who is this pervert little weasel? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FARKUS </b> This is Costanza, he's our new bra salesman. He's supposed to start on monday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MS. DE GRANMONT </b> If he's here on monday, you're not. Take a pick. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FARKUS TO GEORGE </b> Get out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> - </b> <b> </b> Pendant publishing. Elaine is at Lippman's office. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You wanted to see me, Mr. Lippman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> I was just going over the Jake Jarmel book and I understand you worked with him very closely. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, krhm, yes I did. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> And, anyway I was just reading your final edit, um, there seems to be an inordinate number of exclamation points. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I felt that the writing lacked certain emotion and intensity. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Oh, "It was damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right, well... <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> You put exclamation point after sweatshirt? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's that's correct, I-I felt that the character doesn't like to be ch-ch-chilly... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> I see, "I pulled the lever on the machine, but the Clark bar didn't come out!" Exclamation point? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, yeah, you know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters in to machine and then prrt nothing comes out... <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Get rid of the exclamation points... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ok, ok ok ... <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> I hate exclamation points... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ...ok I'll just.... <b> </b><b> -- </b> <b> </b> 5A. Jerry, Kramer, Newman writing a letter. Elaine reads on the couch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 'Dear Barry. Consider this letter to be official termination of our relationship effective immediately.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Exclamation point. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You still have no proof. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Elaine, he was sniffing like crazy around me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 'I will expect all funds in form of cashier checks no later than the 18th'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Double exclamation point! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Will that take care of ours too? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I'll give you yours as soon as I get my money back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hey, you want me to mail it? I'm on my way out anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, thanks. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It'll be my pleasure. <b> </b> Kramer puts the photograph to the envelope. Newman and Kramer laughs and Newman leaves. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> See'ya later. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know this... <b> </b> Knock on the door. It's pizzaguy <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Ralph. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Ralph. <b> </b><b> RALPH </b> What's up fellows? That'll be 14,30. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mushrooms, you got mushrooms Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Ralph sniffs and rubs his eyes. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's the matter? You've got a cold? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RALPH </b> No Kramer, what is this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's a sweater. <b> </b><b> RALPH </b> What's it made out of? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know, Jerry gave it to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mohair, I think. <b> </b><b> RALPH </b> Mohair, that figures, I'm allergic to mohair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mean you just started sniffing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RALPH </b> Yeah, mohair does it to me every time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Ralph leaves <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was wearing that sweater in the coffee shop when Barry came in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, I was wearing it in the bar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The sweater! The sweater made him sniff! I told you he wasn't a drug addict. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh no! The letter, Newman, it's got exclamation points all over it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Not to mention the picture of him on the toilet. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry leaves the door and comes back second later <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The what?? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Newman is taking the letter to the mailbox. There's a woman at same time at the letterbox. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> After you. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Thank you. <b> </b> Newman feels the woman's coat material. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Get your hands off of me! Johnny!!! Johnny! <b> </b><b> </b> Newman rushes away dropping the letter on the ground. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Costanza's <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What do you mean you felt the material? What, with your fingers like this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what, what is so bad about that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Who goes around feeling people's material? What can be gained feeling a person's material? It's insanity! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What ever happened to "Why, that's a lovely dress you have on. May I have this dance?"!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At the cafe. Kramer and Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You are really lucky Newman never mailed that letter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sorry I'm late, I just came from a meeting with my lawyer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a letter from your friend Barry Prophet's lawyer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He is filing a chapter eleven. Why, what's going on, why is he filing a chapter eleven? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bankruptcy, bankruptcy...as in I've taken your money and spent it on drugs! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you mean, I thought it was the sweater. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, What about the money? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about the money? Apparently if I had dissolved my relationship with him prior to his filing chapter eleven, I've could've got the money back. Which <b> I </b><b> </b><b> </b> would've done, if for certain imbecile had been able to get to a mailbox and mail a letter!! <b> </b><b> </b> Newman enters and goes to the counter. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Pair of bear claws, please. <b> </b> Jerry approaches Newman, but some women comes between and feels Jerry's shirt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Nice. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Think so? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Yeah, what is it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Half silk, half cotton, half linen. How can you go wrong? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Sniffing Accountant Script

1993-10-14

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE BRIS </b> Written by Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b> <b> INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY (1) </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> STAN </b> ...And so the baby's head comes <b> </b> out, and I'm screaming and my <b> </b> brother who's been videotaping the <b> </b> whole thing turns green, his eyes <b> </b> roll up in his head and he blacks <b> </b> out, drops the camera, the camera <b> </b> breaks, then , the placenta comes <b> </b> flying out. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Whoa. <b> </b> <b> STAN </b> And then doctor says... <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Thank you, that's enough. <b> </b> <b> JERRY AND ELAINE EXCHANGE GLANCE. </b><b> MYRA IS BREAST FEEDING. JERRY WINCES, HE CAN'T WATCH. </b><b> HE IS VISIBLY UNSETTLED. </b> <b> STAN </b> Will you look at that baby. Sucking like there's no tomorrow. <b> </b> Just sucking away. Suck, suck, suck... <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (LOOKING AWAY) Yeah, yeah, yeah. <b> </b> <b> STAN </b> Look at that JERRY, look at that. Sucking, sucking... <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I looked. I saw. <b> </b> <b> STAN </b> This doesn't make you uncomfortable, does it? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Uncomfortable? Not at all. (ASIDE TO ELAINE) See your friend's wife's breast sticking out - why would that make me uncomfortable? <b> </b> <b> STAN </b> Look at him. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> How long do they do that? <b> </b> <b> STAN </b> Oh, a year or two. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> No break? <b> </b> <b> STAN </b> Then comes the weaning. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So after the sucking, comes the weaning. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> First the sucking then the weaning. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well, you gotta wean. <b> </b> <b> STAN </b> Gotta wean. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> It's a must wean situation. <b> </b> <b> PAUSE. </b> <b> GEORGE </b> What about that spot I got? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's a great spot. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> You open the door to the car, boom, you walk right into the <b> </b> hospital. You can't beat that spot. I'm on a roll. I am just <b> </b> willing these great parking spots. In front of my house. In front <b> </b> of JERRY's building. Did I tell you about the spot in front of <b> </b> the post office? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Yes. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> I'm driving to the post office. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> <b> (INTERRUPTING) GEORGE. </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Maybe the baby would like to see my spot. A positive, uplifting <b> </b> message to start his life out with. You can still get a great <b> </b> space in this town - if you apply yourself. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Where's KRAMER? He should've been here by now. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Did you give him the room number? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Yes, 1397. <b> </b> <b> CUT TO: </b> (KRAMER, Patient, Orderlies) <b> </b> <b> ACT ONE </b> <b> SCENE B </b> <b> INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY 1 </b><b> </b> <b> KRAMER, WANDERING. </b> <b> KRAMER </b> <b> 1937, 1937, 1937... </b> <b> A WANDERING PATIENT STOPS HIM </b> <b> PATIENT </b> Excuse me. Do you know where the staircase is? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER LOOKS AROUND. </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Uh.. over there... <b> </b> <b> PATIENT SMILES AND EXITS. KRAMER </b><b> WALKS A BIT FURTHER AND FINDS </b> <b> WHAT HE THINKS IS THE STAN'S ROOM. </b> <b> KRAMER (CONT'D) </b> <b> 1937. </b> <b> HE ENTER THE ROOM. TWO ORDERLIES </b><b> RUN DOWN THE HALL, FRANTICALLY </b> <b> SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE. </b> <b> CUT TO: </b> <b> ACT ONE </b> <b> SCENE C </b> <b> IN HOSPITAL ROOM #2 - DAY 1 </b> <b> KRAMER LOOKS AROUND. THERE IS A </b><b> PATIENT BEHIND A CURTAIN. OUTSIDE </b> <b> THE CURTAIN IS A TRAY OF FOOD. </b><b> HE PICKS UP THE TRAY. KRAMER IS </b> <b> HUNGRY AND LIKES HOSPITAL FOOD </b><b> TO BOOT. AS HE STUFF HIS FACE, </b><b> HE </b> <b> BECOMES AWARE OF A STRANGE SOUND </b><b> EMANATING FROM BEHIND THE </b> <b> CURTAIN. IT SOUNDS LIKE THE "OINK" </b><b> OR "SQUEAL" OF A PIG. HIS </b> <b> CURIOSITY GETTING THE BEST OF HIM, </b><b> WITH HIS MOUTH FULL, HE STEPS </b> <b> INSIDE THE PARTITIONED AREA. A </b><b> BEAT. THEN HE COMES BURSTING OUT, </b> <b> SPITTING FOOD AND SCREAMING. </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Pig man! It's a pig man! Pig man! <b> </b> <b> CUT TO: </b> (JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, STAN, Myra, KRAMER (Steven) <b> </b> <b> ACT ONE </b> <b> SCENE D </b> <b> INT HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 1 </b> <b> STAN </b> ..So anyway, JERRY and ELAINE, we have something we want to ask <b> </b> you. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Look at it. I pulled it in perfectly equidistant from the car in <b> </b> front of me and the car behind me. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Will you shut up. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I'm taking a cab home. I can't take it anymore. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So what were you about to say, <b> STAN? </b><b> </b> <b> STAN </b> Myra and I would like you and ELAINE to be the Godparents of <b> </b> Steven. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Wow. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Me? A godfather? <b> </b> <b> STAN </b> Yes. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (A LA DON CORLEONE) Never go against the family, ELAINE. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER ENTERS. </b> <b> KRAMER </b> The pig-man! I saw a pig-man! He was just lying there and then he <b> </b> woke up. He looked up at me and made this horrible sound (MAKES <b> </b> <b> SOUND). </b> <b> GEORGE </b> KRAMER, what the hell are you talking about? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> I'm talking about the pigman, GEORGE. I went into the wrong room <b> </b> and there he was. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> A pigman? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Yes, a pigman. Half pig, half man. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> That's nice, KRAMER... So, anyway, what exactly is involved in <b> </b> being a Godparent? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (A LA DON CORLEIONE) ELAINE, don't ever ask me about my <b> </b> business!.... (SHEEPISH) "Godfather." <b> </b> <b> MYRA </b> Nothing really. <b> </b> <b> STAN </b> The most important thing is to help with the bris. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> The bris? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> The bris? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> A bris? you mean snip snip? <b> </b> <b> STAN </b> Yeah. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> I would advise against that. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> KRAMER. It's a tradition. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Well, so was sacrificing virgins to appease the gods, but we <b> </b> don't do that anymore. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well, maybe we should. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Why are all those people milling around my car? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> I don't know. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Maybe they're admiring your spot. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> No. They're all looking up. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE. </b> Oh my god, there's somebody on the roof of the hospital. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Whoa. That's the guy who asked me where the staircase was. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Jeez, I hope he doesn't.. Oh no! <b> </b> <b> BY EVERYONE'S REACTION WE SEE HE </b><b> HAS JUMPED. THEN WE HEAR THE </b> <b> THUD OF THE PATIENT ON GEORGE'S </b><b> CAR. </b> <b> GEORGE </b> My car! My car! <b> </b> <b> GEORGE RACES OUT OF THE ROOM. </b> <b> CUT TO: </b> <b> (JERRY GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER) </b> <b> ACT ONE </b> <b> SCENE E </b> <b> INT JERRY'S APARTMENT DAY (2) </b> <b> JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER WHO SITS </b><b> HIS FACE BURIED IN THE </b> <b> NEWSPAPER, IGNORING THE OTHERS. </b> <b> ELAINE </b> A mohel! What the hell is a mohel? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> A mohel is the person who performs the circumcision. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Where am I going to find a Mohel? <b> </b><b> (LOOKING THROUGH THE YELLOW PAGES, </b> MUTTERING) How do you find a <b> </b> mohel? Motels, models.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Oh, finding a Mohel is a piece of cake. Any idiot can find a <b> </b> Mohel. I have the tough job. I have to hold the baby while they <b> </b> do it. How would you like that job? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Have you ever seen one? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> You mean that wasn't - <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> No.. you? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Ya. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> What'd you think? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (SHAKES HER HEAD) No... <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Not good? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> No, had no face, no personality, very dull. It was like a <b> </b> martian. But hey, that's me. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE ENTERS WITH ESTIMATE. </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Well I just got the estimate. It's going to cost more to fix that <b> </b> roof than the car's worth, So I'm gonna go see the hospital <b> </b> administrator today. Someone's paying for that damage and it's <b> </b> not gonna be me. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Ah, you're screwed. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> I know, swan dives from twenty floors, lands right on to it. What <b> </b> do I have a bulls eye on there? He couldn't move over two feet? <b> </b> Land on the sidewalk. That's city property. <b> </b> What are the chances, what are the odds? He couldn't do it again <b> </b> if his life depended on it... <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Well I have to interview a Mohel. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Oh, poor ELAINE. Look at her. Attended the finest finishing <b> </b> schools on the Eastern seaboard. Equestrian competitions. <b> </b> Debutante balls. Well, look at you now. Interviewing Mohels. <b> </b> <b> SUDDENLY, KRAMER ENTERS, HOLDING </b><b> THE PAPER, EXPLODES WITH A SPASM </b> <b> OF REVELATION. </b> <b> JERRY </b> What's the matter? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Are you alright? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Don't even question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. <b> </b> (RE:PAPER) Look at that. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> What now? <b> </b> <b> HE SHOWS JERRY THE PAPER </b> <b> JERRY (CONT'D) </b> "Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research".." Government <b> </b> funds genetic research at area hospital" ... Yeah, so? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Pigman, baby. Pigman. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, if I hear about this pigman one more time... <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive. The governments been <b> </b> experimenting with pigmen since the fifties. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study <b> </b> DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Oh. JERRY wake up to reality. It's military thing. They're <b> </b> probably creating a whole army of pig warriors. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking <b> </b> around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to <b> </b> fix me up at least they could say, "Hey he's no pig-man!" <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pig-men. No <b> </b> matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts <b> </b> attracted to it. "Oo that little tail turns me on." <b> </b> <b> ELAINE GROANS AND HEADS FOR THE </b><b> DOOR. </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (MUMBLES) Alright, that's about enough <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Oh, what's the matter you're not interested in this? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> No, it's fascinating, could you do me a favor, could you tape the <b> </b> rest of the pigmen and the women who love them discussion and <b> </b> I'll listen to it next time I'm here. I've got to find a Mohel. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> You should call this off, ELAINE. It's a barbaric ritual. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Perhaps one day when the pigmen roam free it will be stopped. <b> </b> Until then, off with their heads. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE LEAVES. </b> <b> GEORGE </b> But KRAMER, isn't it a question of hygiene? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, that's a myth. Besides, you know, it makes sex more <b> </b> pleasurable. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. So how does that help me? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (TO GEORGE) Hey GEORGE, have you ever seen one? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, my roommate in college. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So what'd you think? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> I got used to it. <b> </b> <b> DISSOLVE TO: </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> ACT ONE </b> <b> SCENE G </b> <b> (JERRY, GEORGE, KRAMER) </b> <b> INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2 </b><b> </b> <b> JERRY AND KRAMER ENTER. PEOPLE </b><b> PASS IN HALLWAY. </b> <b> JERRY </b> Alright, I'm waiting. I want to see the pig-man. Show me the pig- <b> </b> man. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna show him to you, and you'll never be <b> </b> the same. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Maybe he's just a guy with a nose like this. You know a lot of <b> </b> people have a nose like this, they're not necessarily pig-men. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Believe me, JERRY, somewhere in this hospital the anguished oink <b> </b> of pigman cries for help. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> If I hear an anguished oink, I'm outta here. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> I can't let this go on. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Let me understand this. So if you find the pigman, your intention <b> </b> is to ...emancipate him? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> That's right. (CALLING OUT) <b> </b> Sue-wee! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> KRAMER! well I don't see any pig-men. Look (HE POINTS AT <b> </b> PASSERBY) Human, human, human... <b> </b> <b> HE LOOKS DOWN CORRIDOR, WITH ALARM. </b> <b> JERRY (CONT'D) </b> (WITH MOCK ALARM) Wait a minute!... Oh, that's GEORGE. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE APPROACHES. </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Okay. The administrator's on the third floor. I'll meet you guys <b> </b> by the car. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> You got room for the pig-man? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> The pig-man can take the bus. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> You know, if pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Come on GEORGE, be realistic. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> All right, if pig-man comes along, we'll squeeze him in. I'll see <b> </b> you later. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE EXITS. </b> <b> CUT TO: </b> (GEORGE, Mrs. Sweedler) <b> </b> <b> ACT ONE </b> <b> SCENE H </b> <b> INT HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATION OFFICE </b><b> - DAY 2 </b> <b> THE ADMINISTRATOR, MRS. SWEEDLER, </b><b> USHERS GEORGE IN. THEY SIT ON </b> <b> EITHER SIDE OF HER DESK. </b> <b> MRS. SWEEDLER </b> Mr. Costanza, come in, come in. It's been a very trying couple of <b> </b> days around the hospital. Patients, doctors, everyone, just grief <b> </b> stricken over this unfortunate occurrence. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Well, I join them in their grief. <b> </b> Mrs. Sweedler <b> </b> Horrible, just a horrible thing. Flew right past the children's <b> </b> wing. All the sick children, in the playroom, looking out the <b> </b> window, just traumatize by the incident. Apparently, they all <b> </b> thought he was flying. You know how children are, "Oh look. A man <b> </b> is flying. A man is flying" And then, splat... <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Yes, splat. Exactly. Splat. That's where I come in. On splat. You <b> </b> see, Mrs. Sweedler, or is it hospital administrator Sweedler? <b> </b> Mrs. Sweedler <b> </b> Mrs. Sweedler's fine. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> You see, that trudge affected me in a very, very personal way. <b> </b> Mrs. SWEEDLER <b> </b> How is that? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Yes, you see, the deceased landed on my car. The splat, as it <b> </b> were, actually took place on the roof of my car. I can't help but <b> </b> think that had it been a convertible this whole tragedy may have <b> </b> been averted but I've never been the type to buy a convertible, <b> </b> what with the baldness and all. <b> </b> Mrs. SWEEDLER <b> </b> Well I've known bald men who owned convertibles. They wore a hat. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Well then it's all pulled down. Anyway. The damage, <b> </b> unfortunately, has marred an otherwise fine automobile, rendering <b> </b> it virtually undriveable. <b> </b> Mrs. SWEEDLER <b> </b> (STIFFENING) Yes, well, that is a shame. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Yes, a shame. That's just how I would describe it. Now, with all <b> </b> due sensitivity and discretion, bearing in mind the scope of the <b> </b> situation, I can't help but think the hospital bears some <b> </b> responsibility to compensate the other, still living "victim", of <b> </b> this horrendous, horrendous tragedy. <b> </b> <b> SHE GLARES </b> Mrs.Sweedler <b> </b> Mr.Constanza. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Yes. <b> </b> Mrs. SWEEDLER <b> </b> A man plummeted tragically to his ultimate demise - <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Yes. <b> </b> Mrs. SWEEDLER <b> </b> ... and you greedily, callously try to profit from it. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> <b> (PULLING OUT ESTIMATE OUT OF HIS </b><b> POCKET) </b> Well, profit. I think you'll see from the estimates that I'm not <b> </b> really profiting that much. They might be a little high, but.. <b> </b> Mrs. SWEEDLER <b> </b> (WITH ANGER) How dare you. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b> Mrs. SWEEDLER <b> </b> Have you no decency? Have you no shame? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Yes.. you know, depending. <b> </b> Mrs. SWEEDLER <b> </b> Get out! Get out, now! get out of my office. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE PUTS HIS ESTIMATES ON THE </b><b> DESK AND BEGINS TO EXIT. </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Should I leave these with you? <b> </b> Mrs. SWEEDLER <b> </b> Get out! <b> </b> <b> HE EXITS. </b> <b> CUT TO: </b> <b> ACT ONE </b> <b> SCENE J </b> (JERRY, KRAMER, resident) <b> </b> <b> INT HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY 2 </b> <b> KRAMER AND JERRY FIND PIGMAN'S </b><b> ROOM. BUT, IT'S EMPTY. KRAMER </b> <b> STOPS A YOUNG SMART ALECK RESIDENT. </b><b> JERRY TRIES TO LOOK </b> <b> INCONSPICUOUS. </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Excuse me. What happened to the man, that was in this room <b> </b> before? <b> </b> <b> RESIDENT </b> I don't know what you're talking about. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> You know. (HE PUSHES HIS NOSE UP <b> WITH HIS THUMB). </b><b> </b> <b> RESIDENT </b> No. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> (STILL HOLDING HIS NOSE UP ) This doesn't look familiar to you? <b> </b> <b> RESIDENT </b> Sir? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Look, I know what's going on. Oink, oink. <b> </b> <b> RESIDENT </b> I really have some patients I have to attend to. <b> </b> <b> HE TRIES TO MOVE ON. KRAMER GRABS </b><b> HIM BY THE LAPELS AND BACKS HIM </b> <b> AGAINST THE WALL. JERRY LOOKS THE </b><b> OTHER WAY. </b> <b> KRAMER </b> (TOUGH TALKING) Look, you little quack, I know you had a half man <b> </b> half pig holed up in that room, there. Now where is he?! Where is <b> </b> he?! <b> </b> <b> RESIDENT </b> Half-what? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> You know what - bacon, sausage, (A LA PORKY PIG) A-deek-a-deek-a- <b> </b> deek th-th-th-that's all folks. <b> </b> <b> RESIDENT </b> Oh, the pig-man. They moved him down the hall. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER RELEASES THE RESIDENT, WHO </b><b> RUNS AWAY. </b> <b> JERRY </b> Alright KRAMER, enough of this. Let's go find GEORGE. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> You go ahead. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER WALKS OFF. </b> <b> JERRY </b> <b> KRAMER </b> <b> BUT HE CONTINUES WALKING. </b> <b> FADE OUT </b> <b> END OF ACT ONE </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> ACT TWO </b> <b> SCENE K </b><b> (JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, KRAMER, </b> STAN, Myra, Mohel man, Woman, <b> </b> <b> (STEVEN)) </b> <b> INT FLICKS' DAY 3 </b> <b> JERRY ELAINE, KRAMER, THE FLICKS, </b><b> AND ASSORTED GUESTS </b> <b> JERRY </b> Where's the Mohel? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> He'll be here. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> He's late already. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Relax. You'd think you were getting whacked. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> How did I get to be Godfather? I don't even know him that well. <b> </b> Just cause we're on the softball team and I'm the pitcher and <b> </b> he's the catcher he thinks we have a relationship? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I thought pitchers and catchers did have a special rapport. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Maybe in hardball it's more involved you know they have signals <b> </b> and everything. I'm just lobbing it in. We don't have <b> </b> conferences. He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> What about me? I watched a few games with her sitting in the <b> </b> stands. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Don't they have any closer friends. They're level jumping on our <b> </b> friendship. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> yes it is level jumping. <b> </b> <b> ANGLE ON: GEORGE TALKING TO WOMAN. </b> <b> GEORGE </b> So uh... ever been to a bris before? <b> </b> <b> WOMAN </b> No. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> If you fell little woozy, and it's quite common, just stay close <b> </b> to me. I'll get you through it. <b> </b> <b> WOMAN </b> I'm a cardiologist. I think I can manage. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Oh. <b> </b> <b> ANGLE ON: KRAMER AND MYRA. SHE </b><b> IS SOBBING. </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Don't believe them when they tell you it doesn't hurt. It hurts <b> </b> bad. It hurts really bad. Imagine, this will be his first memory. <b> </b> Of someone yanking the hat off his little man. I know you love <b> </b> your baby, but what kind of perverts would stand idly by while a <b> </b> stranger rips the cover off his 9-iron and then serve a catered <b> </b> lunch? <b> </b> <b> MYRA RUNS AWAY, SOBBING </b> KRAMER (cont'd) <b> </b> She'll be okay. <b> </b> <b> HE SLINKS AWAY. ELAINE ANGRILY </b><b> CONFRONTS KRAMER. </b> <b> ELAINE </b> What's wrong with you? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Me? What's wrong with you?! How can you let this go on? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Hey have you ever seen one of those? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Well I have and believe me it's no picnic. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, how bad could it be? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (TO GATHERING) Alright. Has anybody here ever seen one? <b> </b> <b> MAN </b> One what? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> ... you know <b> </b> <b> MAN </b> I have. <b> </b> <b> WOMAN </b> I have. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> And? <b> </b> <b> ALL </b> (SHAKE THEIR HEADS) No... <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> I got used to it. <b> </b> <b> SFX: DOORBELL. </b> <b> RELIEVED<b> DOOR. </b> ALL (CONT'd) <b> </b> (ADLIB) It's the mohel! the mohel is here! Thank God, the mohel <b> </b> is here. <b> </b> <b> THEY OPEN THE DOOR. THE MOHEL STANDS </b><b> IN THE DOORWAY WITH BAG. </b> <b> EVERYONE CALMS DOWN IN HIS BEATIFIC </b><b> PRESENCE AS HE ENTER. HE NODS </b> <b> IN GREETING AS HE WALKS THRU THE </b><b> ASSEMBLED GUESTS. </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> MOHEL </b> Hello, hello, I'm the mohel. It's very nice to meet you all... <b> </b> <b> A PAN CLANGS TO THE GROUND. THE </b><b> MOHEL SNAPS. </b> <b> MOHEL (CONT'D) </b> Oh! What was that?!? Jeez. Scared the hell out of me. My god. I <b> </b> almost had a heart attack! <b> </b> <b> THE CROWD GROWS UNEASY. </b> <b> MOHEL (CONT'D) </b> (CALMING DOWN) Alright I'm fine, I'm fine. Anyway, we're here to <b> </b> perform the mitzvah of the bris and... <b> </b> <b> SFX: BABY CRYING </b> <b> MOHEL (CONT'D) </b> (WITH INCREASING TENSION) ...Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is <b> </b> that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry, <b> </b> 'cause that could pose a problem. Do you have any control of your <b> </b> child 'cause this is the time to exercise it when baby is crying <b> </b> in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you <b> </b> insane?!!! <b> </b> <b> MRS. FLICK TAKES THE BABY INT OTHER </b><b> ROOM. THE MOHEL MASSAGES HIS </b> <b> FOREHEAD. </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Did you find the place alright? <b> </b> <b> MOHEL </b> Did I find it alright? I mean could you send me to a more <b> </b> dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading walking back to the subway, <b> </b> someone shouldn't crack me over the head and steal my bag, <b> </b> 'accuse I'll be lying there on the street in this neighborhood <b> </b> and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll lie in the <b> </b> gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like an animal! God <b> </b> forbid someone should help me or call an ambulance. No, that's <b> </b> too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh! <b> </b> What's the point. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Do you feel alright? <b> </b> <b> MOHEL </b> (TO ELAINE </b> How that glass is near the edge of the table. You got the whole <b> </b> table there to put the glass, why you chose the absolute edge, so <b> </b> half the glass is hanging off the table, you breath and that <b> </b> glass falls over, then you're gonna have broken glass on the <b> </b> carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag, <b> </b> broken glass, bits of broken glass that you never get out. you <b> </b> can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and <b> </b> knees with a magnifying glass, you can't get all the pieces, and <b> </b> then you think you got it all and two years later, you're walkin' <b> </b> barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you kill <b> </b> yourself, is that what you want? I don't think you want that, is <b> </b> it? .. Do you? <b> </b> <b> THE MOHEL BEGINS TWITCHING. ANGLE </b><b> ON: ELAINE AND MYRA. </b> <b> ELAINE </b> (TO MYRA; ON THE 'QT') He's very highly recommended. <b> </b> <b> ANGLE ON: JERRY AND KRAMER </b> <b> KRAMER </b> (TO JERRY; ON THE 'QT') The mohel is twitching. <b> </b> <b> MOHEL </b> Who's holding the baby? Hello! Who is holding the baby?!? <b> </b> <b> NO RESPONSE. </b> MOHEL (cont;d) <b> </b><b> (WITH ACCOMPANYING 'MOCK' SIGN </b> LANGUAGE) Who is holding the baby? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> JERRY is.. (TO JERRY) JERRY! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (UNCERTAIN) Yeah. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> JERRY go over there. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Go. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I'm going. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> <b> C'MON </b> <b> JERRY </b> Don't push me. <b> </b> <b> MOHEL </b> Okay. you sit here. Bring out the baby. Bring out the baby. I <b> </b> need the baby! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER DASHES INTO THE BEDROOM </b><b> AND RELUCTANTLY BRINGS OUT THE </b> <b> BABY. BEFORE HE HANDS IT OVER, </b><b> HE HAS SECOND THOUGHTS. HE GRIPS </b> <b> THE BABY TIGHTLY. </b> <b> KRAMER </b> I can't let you do this. <b> </b> <b> (AD-LIB KRAMER! </b> <b> EVERYONE MOVES TOWARD HIM. </b> <b> KRAMER. </b> I can't let you do this! <b> </b> <b> PEOPLE GRAB HIM, TRYING TO PRY </b><b> THE BABY AWAY FROM HIM. THERE IS </b> <b> A STRUGGLE. </b> <b> ALL </b> (AD LIB) Let go of the baby! KRAMER! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> No! No! I won't! <b> </b> <b> THEY FINALLY YANK THE BABY AWAY </b><b> FROM THE DISTRAUGHT KRAMER. </b> <b> MOHEL </b> People compose yourselves. (SHOUTING AS STRUGGLE CONTINUES) This <b> </b> is a bris. We are performing a bris here, not a burlesque show. <b> </b> This is not a school play! This is not a baggy pants farce! This <b> </b> is a bris. An ancient, sacred ceremony, symbolizing the covenant <b> </b> between God and Abraham... or something. <b> </b> <b> THE MOHEL OPENS HIS BAG AND HIS </b><b> INSTRUMENTS FALL OUT. </b> <b> MOHEL (CONT'D) </b> Damn. <b> </b> <b> PEOPLE REACH IN TO HELP. </b> <b> MOHEL (CONT'D) </b> No! Don't touch anything! Don't touch a thing! Away! <b> </b> (MUTTERING).. I coulda been a kosher butcher like my brother. The <b> </b> money's good. There's a union, with benefits. And, cows have no <b> </b> families. You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your <b> </b> life... Anyway. <b> </b> <b> HE HOLDS UP THE 'INSTRUMENT'. HE </b><b> TWITCHES. HIS HAND TREMBLES. WE </b> <b> PAN THE EXTREMELY ANXIOUS CROWD. </b><b> WE ANGLE ON A VERY BUG-EYED, </b> <b> NERVOUS JERRY AS THE MOHEL RAISES </b><b> THE INSTRUMENT. </b> <b> ANGLE BACK ON: MOHEL, AS HE BRINGS </b><b> THE INSTRUMENT DOWN. </b> <b> SFX: CROWD SCREAMING. </b> <b> CUT TO: </b> <b> ACT TWO </b> <b> SCENE L </b> <b> (JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER) </b> <b> INT GEORGE'S CAR - DAY 3 </b> <b> JERRY </b> Hurry up GEORGE! Step on it! <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Alright, alright! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> That damn Mohel - he circumcised my finger! The mohel circumcised <b> </b> my finger! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> You flinched. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Flinched? I did not flinch. GEORGE, did I flinch? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> How should he know He blacked out. He fainted. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> It was very traumatic. But the last thing I remember is you <b> </b> flinching. Then, everything went black. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Who's got a tissue? I need more tissues! Look at this thing. It's <b> </b> my phone finger! <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Be careful, you're bleeding all over the car. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> What about the baby? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> The baby's fine. They're just taking him to the hospital as a <b> </b> precautionary measure. I'm the one who's hurt. Look at me. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Will you stop it? You'll just need a few stitches. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Stitches? I've never had stitched. I'll be deformed. I can't live <b> </b> with that. It goes against my whole personality. It's not me! <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Hey look a this - boy are you lucky - another spot - right in <b> </b> front of the hospital. In an emergency yet! How lucky is that? Is <b> </b> that unbelievable? How unbelievable is that? <b> </b> Cut to: <b> </b> ACT two <b> </b> <b> SCENE </b><b> JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE, KRAMER, </b> Myra, (Pigman), (Male Nurse) <b> </b> <b> (GUARDS)) </b> Int Hospital Day 3 <b> </b> <b> JERRY, ELAINE, GEORGE, AND KRAMER </b><b> WALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR. </b> <b> JERRY </b> I'm getting faint. I'm losing consciousness. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> You'll be okay. I'll see you later. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER EXITS </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Where's he going? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE LIFTS NOSE UP WITH HER THUMB. </b> GEORGE (con'td) <b> </b> I'm gonna look for a bathroom. <b> </b> <b> MOHEL ENTERS. </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well if it isn't Shakey the Mohel! You did a hell of a <b> </b> circumcision there pal. But it's not supposed to be a finger. <b> </b> <b> MOHEL </b> (RE:JERRY) It was your fault! You flinched! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Who made you a mohel? Whadya, get your degree from a matchbook? <b> </b> <b> MOHEL </b> (HE MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT) See! See! He flinched again! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Good mohel picking, ELAINE. You picked a helluva mohel. <b> </b> <b> MOHEL </b> One more peep out of you and I'll slice you up like a smoked <b> </b> sturgeon. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Don't threaten me, Butcher Boy. <b> </b> <b> MOHEL </b> Butcher Boy?! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> What was this? (HE IMITATES MOHEL'S FLINCHING) What was this? <b> </b> <b> MOHEL </b> What was this? (HE IMITATES JERRY) <b> </b> <b> JERRY AND MOHEL GET INTO A STRUGGLE. </b> MOHEL (cont;d) <b> </b> It was your fault! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> It was not! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> JERRY, be careful. The Mohel's got a knife! <b> </b> <b> THE FLICKS ENTER. </b> <b> STAN </b> Hey, hey stop it, stop it! What's going on here? <b> </b> <b> STAN AND ELAINE AD-LIB DURING BREAK-UP </b><b> OF FIGHT. </b> STAN (cont'd) <b> </b> You two should be ashamed of yourselves. <b> </b> <b> MOHEL </b> Ah, blood. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> How's the baby? <b> </b> <b> STAN </b> The baby's fine. There's nothing wrong with the baby. <b> </b> <b> MOHEL </b> Thank god the flincher didn't harm the baby. <b> </b> <b> ALL </b> (AD LIB) Amen. <b> </b> <b> THE MOHEL LEANS INTO JERRY AND </b><b> WHISPERS. </b> <b> MOHEL </b> I will get you for this. This is my business, this is my life. No <b> </b> one ruins this for me. No on! (TO ELAINE) Here's my card. <b> </b> <b> THE MOHEL BEGINS TO EXIT. SUDDENLY </b><b> KRAMER COMES DASHING DOWN THE </b> <b> HALLWAY. HE IS CARRYING THE PIG </b><b> MAN ON HIS BACK. THE MALE NURSE </b> <b> AND SECURITY GUARDS ARE IN HOT </b><b> PURSUIT. THEY KNOCK OVER THE </b> <b> MOHEL. THEY ALL EXIT. </b> <b> JERRY AND ELAINE LOOK AT GEORGE. </b> <b> DISSOLVE TO: </b> <b> ACT TWO </b> <b> SCENE N </b> <b> INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (4) </b><b> </b> <b> JERRY IS TRYING TO OPEN A BOTTLE </b><b> WITH BANDAGED FINGER, </b> <b> JERRY </b> I can't do this. (A LA GODFATHER) Look what they did to my boy, <b> </b> They massacred my boy. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> You really do the worst Godfather I ever heard. You're not even <b> </b> close. <b> </b> <b> SFX:BUZZER </b> <b> JERRY </b> It's the Flicks. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> (ON PHONE) It's a '76 Chevy Impala. It was stolen right in front <b> </b> of the hospital. Yeah, I saw him take off in it. He's about five <b> </b> feet, hairless, pink complexion.. well. he looks like a pig. <b> </b> Yeah, okay, thanks a lot. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER ENTERS. </b> <b> GEORGE </b> So any word? Did you hear from the "pigman?" <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> And he's not a pigman is he? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> NO, he's not.. .He's just a fat little mental patient. <b> </b> <b> THE FLICKS ENTER </b> <b> JERRY </b> Hi STAN, hi Myra. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE GOES TO ADMIRE BABY. MYRA </b><b> PULLS HIM AWAY. </b> <b> MYRA </b> Don't touch him <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> What's wrong? <b> </b> <b> STAN </b> You're out, JERRY. You're out as Godfather. You too, ELAINE. <b> </b> You're both out. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> <b> BUT- </b> <b> STAN </b> We want KRAMER. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> (A LA GODFATHER) I'd be honored. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER, STAND AND MYRA START TO </b><b> EXIT </b> <b> JERRY </b> But I'm the pitcher. You're the catcher. We have a special <b> </b> relationship. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER AND FLICKS EXIT, THEY CLOSE </b><b> THE DOOR, BUT LEAVE IT </b> <b> SLIGHTLY AJAR, AS THEY STAND IN </b><b> THE HALLWAY. THE FLICKS EMBRACING </b> <b> KRAMER, JERRY , ELAINE AND GEORGE </b><b> WATCH IN DISBELIEF THROUGH THE </b> <b> CRACK IN THE DOOR. </b> <b> STAN (CONT'D) </b> Godfather. <b> </b> <b> MYRA </b> Godfather. <b> </b><b> </b> <b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Bris Script

1993-10-28

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE LIP READER </b> Written by Carol Leifer <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Professional tennis. To me I don't understand all the shushing. Why are they always shushing. Shh, shh. Don't the players know that we're there? Should we duck down behind the seats so they don't see us watching them? Tennis is basically just ping-pong and the players are standing on the table. That's all it is. And that goofy scoring, you win one point and all the sudden you're up by 15. Two points, 30-love. 30-love. Sounds like an English call girl. "That'll be 30, love... And could you be a little quieter next time, please, shh." <b> </b><b> </b> (Commercial) <b> </b> In the bleachers at the tennis court. Two players are hitting the ball back and forth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are these seats unbelievable or what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where's the sunblock? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 25? You don't have anything higher? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, are you on Mercury? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I need higher. This has paba in it, I need paba-free. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got a problem with paba? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, I have a problem with paba. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't even know what paba is. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know enough to stay away from it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So are you going to Todd's party this weekend? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll go if someone else drives. You going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Gwen really wants to go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're bringing a date to a party? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No good? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A party is a bad date situation. It doesn't matter who you're with. You could be with J. Edgar Hoover. You don't want to sit and talk with Hoover all night. You want to circulate. (Makes hand motions) Ho, ho, ho. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why'd you pick Hoover? Was he that interesting to talk to? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I would think, with the law enforcement and the cross dressing. Seems like an interesting guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah I guess. What can I do? I gotta take her with me. Todd introduced us, I'm obligated. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That woman is absolutely stunning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The Croat? (the tennis player) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not the Croat, the lineswoman. That is the most beautiful lineswoman I've ever seen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, she's a B.L. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b><b> B.L.? </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Beautiful lineswoman. I'm going to go to the concession stand and get some real sunblock. You want anyting? Jerry? (Jerry is staring at the lineswoman) Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b> At Elaine's office. <b> </b><b> COWORKER </b> You know, I just heard the Lexington line is out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You are kidding me. How am I supposed to get to this meeting? <b> </b><b> </b><b> COWORKER </b> Take a car service. We have an account. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh forget it, I hate those. Everytime I take one, the driver will *not* stop talking to me. No matter how disinterested I seem he just keeps yakking away. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Why does everything always have to have a social componant? Now a stage coach, that would have been a good situation for me. Cause I'm in the coach, and the driver is way up there on the stage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> COWORKER </b> Well you're not going to get a cab now. Four thirty in the afternoon? Read a magazine, keep your head down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I guess that could work. <b> </b> At the tennis court concession stand. George is eating a sundae. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At Jerry's apartment. Kramer is watching TV. <b> </b><b> ANNOUNCER </b> And that is it. The match to Ms. Natalia Valdoni. Comming up next, mens single, but for now let's stop a minute and take a look at our beautiful tennis center backdrop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, hey, it's George. <b> </b> George is on TV eating a sundae. His face is covered in ice cream and fudge. He is taking a bite of ice cream and dripping it around his mouth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNOUNCER </b> Holy cow it's a scorcher. Boy I bet you that guy can cover a lot of court. Hey buddy, they got a new invention. It's called a napkin. We'll take a station break and continue with more... <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine in the car service car. <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Dag Gavershole Plaza (sp?) huh? (Elaine ignores him) Pendant Publishing, that's books right? (Elaine is annoyed and still ignoring him) Miss? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Pardon me? <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Books, that's what you do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Yeah, I don't read much myself, (Elaine is annoyed) well you know besides the paper. Yeah a lot of people read to relax, but not me. You know what I do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know I'm having a lot of trouble, um, hearing you back here. So... <b> </b><b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> (Yelling) I said you know what I do (Elaine is very annoyed) when I want to relax? The Jumble. Hey do you make a book of Jumbles? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm going to have to be honest with you. I'm going deaf. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Going deaf? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Oh I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It can be very frustrating. <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Hey what about a hearing aid? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> An I fearing AIDS? Oh, yeah sure, who isn't. But you know you gotta live your life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> No, no I said. Ehhh, forget it. (Elaine looks pleased) <b> </b><b> </b> At the tennis court. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't take my eyes off that lineswoman. That lineswoman is absolutely mesmerizing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Boy you are really smitten. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I gotta talk to her. What do you think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Cold? How are you going to do that? You're not one of those guys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm going to psyche myself into it like those people that just walk across the hot coals. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They're not mocked and humiliated when they get to the other side. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have to. I won't be able to live with myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute Jerry, there's a bigger issue here. If you go through that wall and become one of those guys I'll be left here on this side. Take me with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you going to say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, "Hi". <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think you're going to the other side with "Hi"? You're not going to make it. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine in the car service car. <b> </b><b> RADIO </b> Base to 92 come in <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Yes this is 92 <b> </b><b> RADIO </b> After this go back to city for a 6:00 pickup <b> </b><b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Righteo <b> </b><b> RADIO </b> 794 Bleeker the party's Hanks. Tom Hanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tom Hanks? After me you're picking up Tom Hanks? I love him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> So I guess your hearing goes in and out huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Yes it does... <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Yeah. You know what I think? I think you made that whole thing up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no, no no. <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Yeah yeah, I know your type. You're too good to make conversation with someone like me. Oh god forbid you could discuss the Jumbles. But to go so far as to pretend you're almost deaf, I mean that is truly disgusting. And Mr. Tom Hanks, may I say he too would be disgusted by your behavior. <b> </b><b> </b> At the tennis court. Jerry is standing behind the lineswoman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me. (Woman ignores him) Excuse me? (Still ignores him) Oh that's nice. That's right ignore me. That's real polite. Nobody's even talking to you. All you big lineswoman. Oh you've got some kind of a cool job. I know your type thinking your too good for everyone, but it's women like you (woman turns around and notices him) oh well, what are you deaf? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Bingo. <b> </b> At Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And you're saying she's deaf. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not *saying* she's deaf, she's deaf. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Can't hear a thing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can't hear a thing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And you're going to go out with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, isn't that something? <b> </b> Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY AND KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey I know how to sign. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah when I was 8, I had a deaf cousin who lived with us for about a year. (signing as he speaks) So I haven't been able to do it in a while. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is this about? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I met this deaf lineswoman at the tennis match. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You are kidding. That is amazing. (She pushes Jerry, Jerry falls back into Kramer.) I just took a car service from work and to get the driver to not talk to me, I pretended I was going deaf. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow good plan. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh didn't work. He caught me hearing. I know it's terrible, but I'm not a terrible person. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY AND KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. When I shoo squirrels away, I always say "get out of here". I never ever throw things at them and try to injure them like other people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's nice. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, and when I see freaks in the street I never, ever stare at them. Yet, I'm careful not to look away, you know, because I want to make the freaks feel comfortable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's nice for the freaks. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, and I don't poof up my hair when I got to a movie so people behind me can see. I've got to make it up to this guy or I won't be able to live with myself. What can I do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you get him some tickets or something, how about that friend of yours that works at the ticket area. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah yeah Pete, he can get you great tickets to something. Like a rock concert. Whatever you like. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, thanks Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got it. Hey Jerry, do me a favor. The next time you see that lineswoman ask her how those ball boys get those jobs. I would love to be able to do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity. It's ball *boys*, not ball men. There are no ball men. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah I think he's right. I've never seen a ball man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well there ought to be ball men. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right I'll talk to her. If you want to be a ball man go ahead, break the ball barrier. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey you know a friend of mine from work said that she saw George at the tennis match on TV yesterday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah me too. Yeah he was at the snack bar eating a hot fudge sundae. He had it all over his face. He was wearing that chocolate on his face like a beard and they got in there real nice and tight. And he's... (Imitates scooping up ice cream.) <b> </b><b> </b> At Monk's. <b> </b><b> GWEN </b> I'm sorry George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't understand things were going so great. What happened? Something must have happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GWEN </b> It's not you, it's me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" routine? I invented "it's not you, it's me". Nobody tells me it's them not me, if it's anybody it's me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GWEN </b> All right, George, it's you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're *damn* right it's me. <b> </b><b> GWEN </b> I was just trying to... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GWEN </b> I'm sure you do it very well. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes well unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out. <b> </b><b> </b> George then looks confused like what he said just didn't sound right. <b> </b><b> </b> At Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I thought things were going great. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah so did I. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did she say why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. She tried to give me the "it's not you, it's me" routine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But that's your routine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Well aparently word's out. <b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, George, I saw you on TV yesterday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? At the tennis match? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah you were at the snack bar eating a hot fudge sundae. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Get out of here. I didn't see any cameras there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, the cameras was, vrooom, there. The announcers, they made a couple of cracks about you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Cracks? What were they saying? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That you had ice cream all over your face. They were talking about how funny you looked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe Gwen saw it. Maybe that's what did it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I'll tell you it wasn't a pretty sight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She must have seen me eating it on TV. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So she sees you with hot fudge on your face and she ends it? You really think she would be that superficial? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not. I would be. <b> </b> The phone rings. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello... Oh hi dad... You saw him?... Really with the ice cream?... All right I'll talk to you later, bye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're parents saw me on TV? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is nighmare. Kramer how long was I on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It felt like 8 seconds. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> One-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, three-one-thousand. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I heard you *really* inhaled that thing. Did anyone tape it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can we move on? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He thinks Gwen broke up with him because she saw him eating the ice cream on <b> TV. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh come on. If she's that superficial you don't want her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes I do. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So I guess you're not going to Todd's party on Friday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I can't now, Gwen's going to be there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well she should be the one that shouldn't go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well if a couple breaks up and have plans to go to a neutral place, who withdraws? What's the ettiquite? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Excellent question. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think she should withdraw. She's the breaker, he's the breakee. He needs to get on with his life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I beg to differ. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's the *loser*. She's the victor. To the victor belong the spoils. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I don't care, I don't want to go anyway. I don't want to fight that traffic on Friday night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well we can take the car service from my office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, they don't know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "To the victor goes the spoils." What are you going to do tonight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh I got a date with Laura the lineswoman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. (he stands there) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? (George fiddles with the lock on the door.) Well what are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I was just going to wander the streets. Wouldn't want to tag along with you or anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, uh, do you want to come with us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry please, that's very nice, but, uh, (closes the door) where would we be going? <b> </b><b> </b> At a Chinese restaurant. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, I've got ice cream all over my face. There were no napkins there. Whoever it was that's responsible for stocking that concession stand cost me a relationship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> They never have napkins there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let's get the check. (Waves in the air) Is this considered signing? Do you do this when you want the check? Really. I know a sign, that's my first sign. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Uh, oh. That couple is breaking up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They're breaking up? How do you know? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She reads lips. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are they saying now? <b> </b><b> LAURA </b> "It's not you, it's me." <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Holding his drink up to his mouth) Oh my gosh, I just had a great idea. She could come to the party tomorrow and read Gwen's lips for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Puts his hand over his mouth) What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Puts nuts into his mouth, and in the process covers his mouth) We bring her to the party, and she can tell me what Gwen is saying about me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Holds his drink up to his mouth) She's not a novelty act, George. Where you hire her out for weddings and bar mitzvas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Puts his hands on his face, rubbing his eyes) Look. It's a skill, just like juggling. She probably enjoys showing it off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Puts his napkin over his mouth) I don't know George. I'm not sure about this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Puts his arms in the air, stretching, and covers his mouth with an arm) Could you ask her, just ask her. If she says no, case closed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Puts his hand on his chin over his mouth) All right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh Laura, George was wondering if... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Sure. I'll do it. <b> </b> After the restaurant. Jerry at Laura's place. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I really had a good time. <b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Yeah, me too. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you want to go to the party on Friday night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, we're taking a car service. So we'll swing by and pick you up. How about six? (Laura looks offended). Six is good. (Laura looks offended and angry). You got a problem with six? (Laura opens the door and gets out). What? What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Commercial) <b> </b> At the tennis court. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Okay listen up people. There are plenty of you here, but we've only got two spots to fill. Good luck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOY </b> Hey pops, isn't there a better way to spend your twilight years? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I may be old, but I'm spry. <b> </b><b> BOY </b> The tryout lasts three and a half to four hours. Are you up for it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh I'll be up for it punk. <b> </b> Kramer fetches some balls, and he is doing some pretty fancy footwork. <b> </b><b> </b> At Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See I was saying "six" but she thought I was saying "sex". We straightened the whole thing out though. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She confused "six" with "sex"? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well if she can't tell "six" from "sex" then how is she going to lip read from across the room? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well "six" and "sex" are close. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's two completely different sounds. "ih" and "eh". <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Eh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It seems like a problem. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I'm not dating any other deaf women. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey guess who's going to be the new ball man for the finals. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're kidding. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. They said they haven't seen anybody go after balls with such gusto. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When is that car service comming? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In five minutes. He's then going to pick us up, then we're going to pick up Elaine, and Laura is going to meet us there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If this lip reading thing works tonight do you know how incredible this is going to be? It's like having Superman for your friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. It's like X-ray vision. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If we could just harness this power and use it for our own personal gain, there'd be no stopping us. <b> </b><b> </b> Newman enters. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I hear you've got some lip reader working for you. You gotta let me use her for one day. Just one day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can't do it Newman. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> But Jerry, we've got this new supervisor down at the post office. He's working behind this glass. I know they're talking about me. They're going to transfer me, I know it. Two hours, give me two hours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not going to happen. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (Sinister) All right, all right. All right you go ahead. You go ahead and keep it secret. But you remember this. When you control the mail, you control... information. <b> </b><b> </b> In the car service car. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh just pull over right there by the stop sign. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Pardon me sir? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I said pull over by the stop sign. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> I'm so sorry, you'll have to forgive me. I can't hear a damn thing. I went to that rock concert last night at the garden. My seats were right up agains the speaker. It's a heavy metal group. Metalla-something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> -ca. <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ca. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ah. <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> My ears are still ringing. Some woman's idea of a joke. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine gets in. The driver looks up and notices her. He gets angry. <b> </b><b> </b> A moment later, the group gets out of the car. <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Get out. Get out. Go on. Hey. Shut the door. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer shuts the door and the car takes off, squeeling the tires. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At the party. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know the whole idea of taking the car service was so I wouldn't have to fight the traffic on Friday night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Laura sees the group and gets up. She points to her watch. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. I'm late. Hey now I know two signs, (puts his hand in the air) check, and (points to his watch) late. Hey this is the guy you helped become the first ball man. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer and Laura start signing to each other. We see confusion from them as they are signing. George puts his forhead on his hand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She doesn't know what she's talking about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TODD </b> Guys you made it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey hey. <b> </b><b> TODD </b> Sorry to hear about Gwen. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? Did she say something to you about why she broke up with me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TODD </b> Oh no. Tonight will be the first chance I've had to talk to her. Look George, I'm friends with both of you. I can't betray her confidence by telling you anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I wouldn't hear of it, huh. It's none of my business. You should try to find out everything you possibly can. In fact, I'll even stay all the way on the other side of the room so there's no chance of me overhearing anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TODD </b> You are so centered. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to the others) Let's go, let's go. All right what are they saying? <b> </b><b> </b> Gwen and Todd talk. Laura makes hand signs and Kramer translates. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> "Hi Gwen, hi tide." <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi tide? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi Todd. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> "You've got something between your teeth" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No that's what he said. "That's interesting. I love carrots, but I hate carrot soup. And I hate peas, but I love pea soup." So do I. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She's so wild. Can I borrow her for a few hours tomorrow afternoon? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. If I lend her to you I'll have to lend her to everybody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GWEN </b> I don't envy you Todd. The place is going to be a mess. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TODD </b> Maybe you can stick around after everybody leaves and we can sweep together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> "Why don't you stick around and we can sleep together." <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> "You want me to sleep with you?" <b> </b><b> TODD </b> I don't want to sweep alone. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He says "I don't want to sleep alone." She says, oh boy, "love to." <b> </b><b> </b> George walks across the room over to them. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you're getting rid of me and now the two of you are going to sleep together? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GWEN </b> What? You're crazy. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> "What? You're crazy." <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I heard your whole conversation. <b> </b><b> GWEN </b> How? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> "How?" <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (looks back to the group) I can read lips. You said let's sleep together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GWEN </b> No I didn't. I said "sweep". Let's sweep together, you know with a broom. Cleaning up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> "... with a broom, cleaning up." <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sweep? <b> </b><b> GWEN </b> Yes sweep. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> "Yes sweep." <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Cut it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George says "Cut it." <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Cut it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George is saying "Cut it." <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Cut it. (goes back to the group) (Yelling) Would you stop signing? She said "sweep together" you idiots, not "sleep together." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Laura's mouth is wide open. She looks at Kramer and points to George. She is mad at Kramer. Aparently she did say sweep and Kramer mis-translated. She signs to Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I know how to sign. <b> </b> Kramer and Laura are arguing back and forth with sign language. They are gesturing signs fiercely. One of Laura's signs causes her hand to swing backwards and hit George in the face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ow. My eye, my eye. <b> </b><b> </b> (At the tennis court) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's so amazing getting to see Monica Sellas playing in the finals. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know and on the first tournament of her comeback. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer is sitting poised on the sideline. He waves back to the group. George and Elaine gives him a thumbs up. The two players hit the ball back and forth. The ball lands in the net. Kramer springs into action running toward the ball and runs into Monica Sellas. Monica falls to the ground in pain. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thus ends the great ball man experiment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Laura gets into the car service car. <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> You with the tennis center? <b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Yep. <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Hey how about that ball man injuring Monica Sellas. Wasn't that something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Laura. I'm deaf. <b> </b><b> DRIVER </b> Oh. (Very suspicious look on his face.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Lip Reader Script

1993-11-04

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE NON-FAT YOGURT </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've always been a big fan of the little check move. You <b> </b> know. Unless the waiter's not too sharp, then you got to total <b> </b><b> </b> it up. Sometimes they have to come over, "Do you want the check?" "No, I want to be pen pals. Can't you see what I'm doing here? I'm trying to be cool and impress people." <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hmm! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fantastic! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told you. How good is this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How good? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Very good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They got blue berries. And there's real blue berries. What <b> </b> kind did you get? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Coffee. And they grind up the coffee beans, and they put it <b> </b> in. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Let me test-taste that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Huh? Huh? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hmm! Rico! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Suave! And it's non-fat! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> See, how could this not have any fat? It's too good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You want to taste mine? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, you want to taste mine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I don't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, if you want to taste mine, you don't have to offer me <b> </b> some of yours. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, let's just forget it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, Kramer's going to clean up on this place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He invested in it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No kidding? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. We've been coming here everyday. This is so <b> </b> *beep*ing good. <b> </b><b> LADY </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, we should get going. But, I'm going to get a little <b> </b> bit more, okay? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, god. Look who's here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This guy from my old neighborhood. Lloyd: Braun. He's a <b> </b> big advisor to Mayor Dinkins. He thinks he's so cool. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, really? <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Hey, George! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! Lloyd! My friend Jerry. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> So, I hear you're living back home now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, there was a fire in my apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Fire! Whoa! There's a lot of major chicks in this place, <b> </b> huh? Something wrong with your arm? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, uh, yeah. Actually, the, uh, I bumped my elbow on a <b> </b> desk and injured something. And now it sort of moves involuntarily. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Wow, that's a bitch, huh? <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> So, how are your parents doing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, pretty good. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> This place does some business, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, this is my first time here. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Hey, she's a doll. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, Elaine, this is, uh, Lloyd. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi! <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Oh, hi! Very nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nice to meet you, too! <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Well, I'm really sorry I got to run now. Well, take it easy, <b> </b> huh, George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah! Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Boy, he is really cute! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's a jerk. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's gone, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. All right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, there were a lot of people there, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, man, that yogurt place - you're going to make a fortune. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're doing an incredible business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, I told you to go in on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did you know? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I tasted it at the one downtown. It's got a remarkable <b> </b> texture. You'd never know it was non-fat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Buzz me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. Hey, I had the show of my life last night. I ad-libbed <b> </b> like ten new minutes. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, but did you tape it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right there. I got it. I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire. <b> </b> Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your feet up? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm telling you, I got like a whole new Tonight Show here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the matter? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I was having lunch, and I bit down on the fork. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, it's hard to believe - with all that biting experience - a <b> </b> person could still make a mistake like that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yow! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you're getting heavy. Yeah, you look like you put on <b> </b> five, ten pounds. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll tell you something else, you're looking a little chunky <b> </b> yourself, buddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Me? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where's your bathroom scale? Oh my god, I've gained seven <b> </b> pounds. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've gained eight. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I told you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, my god! A couple, but 7 pounds. How did I gain 7 <b> </b> pounds? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did I gain eight? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't get it. I, I've been doing the same exercises. I <b> </b> haven't been eating anything different. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Me, either. Wait a second. Wait a second. Maybe it's that <b> </b> yogurt. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no. That's hundred percent yogurt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, how else could this have happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, maybe it's the Oreos. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't eat Oreos. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You don't eat Oreos? The way you break them open? <b> </b> You're ~ practically having sex with them. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about me? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You? You're getting old. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, guess again, Tubby! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, there's got to be a way to find that out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There must be some kind of lab that would do that kind of <b> </b> thing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Gasp! I've got it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll call the Food and Drug Administration. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, I'll tell you what, Chubby, if that yogurt has fat in it, I <b> </b> will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, let's start the insanity. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Giddy-up! <b> </b> Dad Tommy Tune is a very good dancer. You ever see Tommy Tune dancing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> MOM </b> I like tap dancing. <b> </b> Dad Tap dancing. Anyone can tap dance. It's all in those shoes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MOM </b> Are you kidding? They practice for years, those people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's for supper? <b> </b><b> MOM </b> Somebody's at the door. <b> </b> Dad Tommy Tune is very tall. That helps. It makes him lankier. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MOM </b> Lloyd? <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Hello, Mrs. Costanza. <b> </b><b> MOM </b> Georgie, Lloyd: Braun is here. <b> </b> Dad Hey! Lloyd! <b> </b><b> MOM </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Well, I was just in the neighborhood visiting my mother, and <b> </b> so I thought I'd drop by and say, "Hello". <b> </b><b> MOM </b> Georgie. Come here and say hello. <b> </b> Dad How are you doing, Lloyd? I hear you're a big advisor for <b> </b><b> </b> Dinkins now. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> That's right. Hey, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Lloyd. How's it going? <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> I ran into George: yesterday in the city. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MOM </b> Ow! What's the matter with you? <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> So, uh, how's the arm, huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, it's good. It's good. <b> </b><b> MOM </b> What's the matter with your arm? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Oh, his arm moves like this. <b> </b> Dad Your arm moves like this? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Dad I never seen your arm move like this. <b> </b><b> MOM </b> Me, either. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it comes and goes. <b> </b> Dad It's like some kind of a spasm. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Ooh! I asked Mr. Dinkins if he knew any good orthopedists, <b> </b> and he said he had the best. So, I made an appointment for you. Dr. Dekter. <b> </b><b> MOM </b> Mayor Dinkins got an appointment for him? <b> </b><b> </b> Dad You mentioned George's name to Mayor Dinkins? You <b> DISCUSSED GEORGE </b> with the mayor of New York? <b> </b><b> MOM </b> Dinkins was talking about you. He was discussing you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, Lloyd, I've been to the doctor - there's really <b> </b> nothing they can do. <b> </b> Dad Hey, Mayor Dinkins set this up for you. You know what kind of a doctor this must be if Dinkins knows him? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. All right. I'll go. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Well, that's great. And, uh, I'll be very interested to hear the <b> </b> diagnosis. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh-huh. Okay, well, we're coming down. All right. Okay. <b> </b> I got a place that can analyze it. It's in Brooklyn. We have <b> </b><b> </b> to drive there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And they said they can do it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, it's forty-five bucks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. Let's go down to the yogurt store, and we'll get a <b> </b> specimen. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hm-hmm. <b> </b> Lady Well, I hope you're satisfied. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b> Lady Every word out of my son's mouth now is *beep*, *beep*, <b> </b><b> </b> *beep*. You know what he said to me five minutes ago? Where's my *beep*ing cupcake? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gee, I'm really sorry. <b> </b> Lady He wants to be like you because you're a comedian. Maybe <b> </b><b> </b> you could talk to him? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'd be happy to. <b> </b> Lady Thank you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's yogurt <b> </b> at the yogurt place - does that have any fat in it? <b> </b> Lady No *beep*ing way! <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Well, it was very nice seeing you again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MOM </b> Oh, it was good seeing you. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Oh, um, by the way, who was that gorgeous woman I saw <b> </b> you with the other day? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, uh, just a friend of mine. <b> </b><b> MOM </b> You must mean Elaine. Isn't she adorable? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> She is. She is. How about giving me her number? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, you know, Lloyd, I really don't have it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MOM </b> She works at Pendant Publishing. Elaine: Benice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Oh, great. Thanks a lot! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> So long. <b> </b><b> MOM </b> Bye! Oh, that Lloyd: Braun. He is something, isn't he? <b> </b><b> </b> Newman Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said, "Nice try, granny!" And I <b> </b> sent her to the back of the line! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, Newman. <b> </b> Newman Hello, Jerry. Say, this yogurt is really something, huh? And <b> </b> it's non-fat! I've been waiting for something like this my whole life! And it's finally here! <b> </b> Owner Hey, Seinfeld. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using obscenities <b> </b><b> </b> around my son, huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was an accident. I'm going to talk to him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I want a small, plain vanilla in a cup to go. That's non-fat, <b> </b> right? <b> </b> Owner That's right. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 'Cause I'm on a special diet, and the doctor said I can't have <b> </b> any fat. <b> </b> Owner Yeah, well, there is no fat. <b> </b> Newman Hey, another round of strawberry for me and my friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hurry, Jerry! Hurry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How's it doing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Not too good. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you can't have this tested now. It's melting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It changes the molecules. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you don't know what you're talking about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, fatso! I got a 90 in biology. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You call me fatso one more time; you're going to be walking <b> </b> back. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, hi! Hi. I called earlier about getting the yogurt tested. <b> </b><b> </b> Labbie Oh, right. Would you fill this out, please? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Oh, does it matter if it's melted? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Labbie No! You know, this is going to take a couple of days. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's okay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hello, there. <b> </b><b> LABBETTE </b> Hello! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooh! Test tubes. Cool! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you got there? <b> </b> Labbie Actually, this is Mr. Giuliani's blood. We're doing a <b> </b><b> </b> cholesterol work up on it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, I'm done. <b> </b><b> LABBETTE </b> It was really nice meeting you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, the pleasure's all mine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't take that chemist out. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because she's like the jury. She's going to be sequestered. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm not taking her out just to influence the results. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I think the whole thing stinks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It smells. Smells bad. Smells really bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's enough. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, with the smells. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, he made an appointment for me to see Dinkins' doctor. <b> </b> He's just trying to humiliate me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And I have to go. If I don't go, he'll know I'm lying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, so, what are you going to do? Sit in the doctor's office <b> </b> doing this? He's going to think you're a mental patient. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't care. Look, Lloyd: doesn't know what he's up against. <b> </b> This is nothing to me. My whole life is a lie. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey! <b> </b> G&amp;J Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, guess who called me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, don't tell me. Lloyd? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We're going out tomorrow night. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, look, he's going to ask you about my arm. So, just tell <b> </b> him I banged it against a desk. And it's been moving involuntarily ever since. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't say that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What if I like him? I'm going to start out lying to this guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, you're taking his side? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. But what if we get married or something? We'll always <b> </b> have that between us. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Already you're marrying this guy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You never know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, believe me, you're not going to marry him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right, well, then what if we become a couple, George? <b> </b> Every time we see you you're going to be walking around going like this? Even you can't keep that up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I believe he can. <b> </b> Lady Hi! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi! <b> </b> Lady You know Jerry. <b> </b> Son Of course, he's the funny *beep*er. <b> </b> Lady See! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Listen, Matthew, I want to explain something to you. Now, <b> </b> cursing is not something that most comedians do. <b> </b> Son You did it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's true. But it was an accident. And I haven't done it <b> </b> since. And I would never do it again. And if you continue cursing, you'll never become a comedian like me when you grow up. Excuse me one second. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, Lloyd: advises Dinkins on everything he does. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah. Big advisor. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He tells him which soap to use. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What the *beep* are you doing? You little piece of *beep*. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LABBETTE </b> Shh! We don't want to disturb the security guard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Where's the lights. Whoa! <b> </b><b> LABBETTE </b> How about this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! Bunsen burner. You want a taste? It's Cappuccino. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LABBETTE </b> It's delicious. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I hear you. <b> </b><b> LABBETTE </b> Non-fat? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you tell me. Is the verdict in yet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LABBETTE </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, this is in case there's a tie! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, as far as I know, he bumped his arm into a door and <b> </b> it's kind of got this involuntarily movement. Some sort of a <b> </b><b> </b> spasm. So, anyway, you're a big advisor to Dinkins, huh? <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Yeah, yeah. It's coming right down to the wire. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow! You know what I would do if I was running for <b> </b> mayor. One of my campaign themes would be that everybody should wear name tags all the time to make the city friendlier. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Name tags, hmm? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, everybody would know everybody. It would be like a <b> </b> small town. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Maybe I'll mention that to him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? Wow! <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> You sure you don't want any yogurt? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I'm watching my weight. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Well, it's nonfat. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, so they say. <b> </b><b> LLOYD </b> Well, should we go? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Okay. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Three days and he hasn't called me, and you know why? <b> </b> Because he thinks I'm too fat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He said that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, but I saw the look on his face when he put his arm <b> </b> around me. And then we went to his apartment, and I sat on one of his chairs and it broke. And he says, "Boy, you're a <b> </b><b> </b> lot of woman!" <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! So, hear anything on the yogurt? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, but I expect to hear anytime. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why do you say that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No reason. Oh, did you hear about that Dinkins? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. What about him? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You didn't hear? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Un-huh. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's proposing a plan where everyone in the city should wear <b> </b> name tags. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Name tags? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! So people can go around saying "hello" to one another. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I see. So you can go, "Hey, you know who I saw <b> </b> wilding today? Herb!" <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's become the laughing stock! You know The Times has <b> </b> already stated it could cost him the election. Name tags! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, really? Okay, thank you <b> </b> very much. Bye-bye. Well, the yogurt verdict is in. Fat! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeow! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The next morning, I woke up, and it was going like this. I <b> </b> can control it if I really concentrate. But otherwise, oh! <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Yes, well, I'm going to have to be perfectly honest with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Please, doctor. <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> I've examined you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> I've looked at your X-rays. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> And I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hmm. Really? Nothing? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> No, not really. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How so? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> May I suggest the possibility that you're faking? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Faking? What makes you think that I have time to see <b> </b> doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> I don't know what kind of a person would do something like <b> </b> that. Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person. <b> </b><b> </b> A person who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time. Good-bye. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now, see here, doctor. <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> I said, good-bye. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fine. Ow! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, come on, look. Let's go over to that yogurt store. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, Elaine, I've been thinking about this. This has got to <b> </b> be a massive conspiracy. Who knows how deep it goes. Hey, look, wait a second, Kramer, turn that up. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> NEWS </b> Rudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical last week, received <b> </b> some startling news today when his cholesterol count turned <b> </b><b> </b> out to be a whopping 375. What effect this will have on the <b> </b><b> </b> minds of the voters remains to be seen. In another development, Mayor Dinkins has fired his top advisor, Lloyd <b> </b><b> </b> Braun, who is believed to be responsible for the name tag fiasco. We now take you to Giuliani headquarters where Rudy <b> </b><b> </b> Giuliani is about to make a statement. <b> </b><b> GIULIANI </b> It's hard to understand. Because I've been doing everything I <b> </b> normally do. I've been watching my diet very carefully. I exercise regularly. My only indulgence, I guess, would be that <b> </b><b> </b> I eat a lot of frozen yogurt. But it's non-fat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yogurt? Oh, my god. They got Giuliani and he doesn't even <b> </b> know it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Now look what you've done. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, we've got to do something. I'm calling Giuliani's <b> </b> headquarters. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Name tags! Name tags! What kind of an idiot thinks <b> </b> anybody would be interested in an idea like that. <b> </b> Dad I don't think it's so bad. People should wear name tags. <b> </b><b> </b> Everyone would be a lot friendlier. "Hello, Sam." "How are you doing, Joe?" Hey, your arm. It moved again. I thought you said it went away. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I banged it on the desk in the doctor's office. And . . . <b> </b><b> </b><b> MOM </b> Be quiet. They're starting the press conference. <b> </b><b> </b> Giuliani My campaign staff has received some very disturbing <b> </b><b> </b> information regarding the fat content in yogurt that's being <b> </b><b> </b> sold throughout the city. I pledge to you now, that if I'm elected mayor, as my first order of business I'll appoint a <b> </b><b> </b> special task force to investigate this matter. I promise you, <b> </b><b> </b> my fellow New Yorkers, that Mayor Giuliani will do everything possible to cleanse this city of this falsified non-fat <b> </b><b> </b> yogurt. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The old yogurt was so much better. Oh, this is terrible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Phew! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, it stinks. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mine, too. I got one more day. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't eat this. <b> </b> Newman Hey, Jerry. Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It had fat in it, it's not good for you. <b> </b><b> </b> Newman I don't care. It was good. I was enjoying it. Had to <b> </b><b> </b> interfere. Couldn't leave well enough alone. Well, I will get <b> </b><b> </b> even with you for this. You can count on it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, you guys, listen to this. Listen to this. Apparently <b> </b> some blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube causing his <b> </b><b> </b> cholesterol count to be 150 points higher than was initially <b> </b><b> </b> reported. Ironically, the mishap by bringing the non-fat yogurt <b> </b><b> </b> scandal to the attention of the public, probably clinched the <b> </b><b> </b> election for the Republican. It was the one issue which seemed to electrify the voters and swept Giuliani into office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, in effect, the yogurt won him the election. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I wonder what actually happened in that lab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, me, too. <b> </b> Newman I can't eat this. <b> </b><b> BOY </b> Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat *beep*! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Non-Fat Yogurt Script

1993-11-11

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE BARBER </b> Written by Andy Robin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. TUTTLE </b> Well George we here at Sanalac like to think of ourselves as a fairly progressive company. We <b> </b><b> </b> have a small but prestigious group of clients. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well a lot of people consider me small and prestigious. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. TUTTLE </b> That's funny George. You're very quick. I feel like I, like I don't have to explain every little <b> </b><b> </b> thing to you. You understand everything immediately. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I enjoy understanding. <b> </b><b> MR. TUTTLE </b> I want you to have this job. Of course... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> Mr. Zimmer is on line 2. <b> </b><b> MR. TUTTLE </b> Thanks. I've got to take this call. Listen, I'm really glad that you came in. <b> </b><b> </b> (commercial) <b> </b> At Monk's <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I want you to have this job. Of course... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean that's it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He never finished the sentence. He got a call, that was the end of the interview. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Of course" was the last thing he said? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe he was going to say "Of course I have to check with my associates." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> "I want you to have this job, of course the Board of Directors is under indictment and will be <b> </b><b> </b> serving time." <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "I want you to have this job, of course sodomy is a prerequisite." <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why don't you go ahead and call him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because he made a big deal about how I understand everything immediately. That's what <b> </b><b> </b> impressed him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So if you call and ask if you have the job, you might lose the job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And if I don't call... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You might have the job, but you'll never know it. What kind of company is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Rest stop supply. <b> </b> Kramer comes in and sits down. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah, yeah, hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Shower? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Haircut. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who'd you use? Gino? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh course. I wouldn't let that other butcher cut my hair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What butcher? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The uncle Enzo. That's the guy Jerry uses. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I've been going with him for 12 years. I can't switch. I'd hurt his feelings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You never get good haircuts. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You can get a good one today. It's Enzo's day off. Gino's there all by himself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. You know what, you should go over there and get one to look good for my bachelor <b> </b><b> </b> auction. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What bachelor auction? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh it's a thing where they auction off dates with bachelors for charity. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And you didn't ask me to do it? I could raise enough money to cure polio. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I believe they've had a cure for polio for quite some time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Polio? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Will you go ahead? You need a haircut. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What are you all dressed up for? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I had a job interview. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. How'd it go? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good. Of course... <b> </b> At the barber shop <b> </b><b> ENZO </b> Oh Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh hi Enzo. <b> </b><b> ENZO </b> Oh, you've come for the haircut. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, actually I was just... <b> </b><b> ENZO </b> It's my day off, but I take care of you anyway because you're my favorite customer. You've been <b> </b><b> </b> with me for so long. You're so loyal. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I, if it's your day off I really... (tries to leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ENZO </b> (He pulls Jerry into the barber chair. Jerry is trying to get away but can't.) Eh, what's the difference. <b> </b><b> </b> It takes 10 minutes. Jerry, today I'm going to do something special for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I don't want to take too much off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ENZO </b> Hey who's your barber, eh? You tell the joke, I cut the hair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Gino, you've outdone yourself this time. This is the best haircut I've ever had. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At Jerry's apartment. <b> </b> Jerry is sitting down on the couch with a really bad haircut. He is holding a mirror. Jerry and George are <b> </b><b> </b> looking in disbelief at the haircut. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He massacred you. You look like you're five years old. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What if I shampoo? Sometimes a shampoo helps. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You've got to start seeing someone else. Get out of this relationship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't. He loves me. He says I'm his most loyal customer. Plus he's right there on the corner. I'd <b> </b><b> </b> have to pass him every day when I go by. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You gotta do it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't, I can't. I'd break his heart. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. He flinches when he sees the haircut. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No way my Gino did that. It's an Enzo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He did the job. You told me he wasn't going to be there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't want to hurt his feelings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> His feelings? You can't continue seeing him. You're destroying yourself. I'm not going to let <b> </b><b> </b> you. If you don't call him I will. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No Kramer. I don't want you to do that. You can't do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm going to call Gino, you're going to see him, and we're going to get that haircut fixed up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't want you to call him. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, geez. You're crazy. <b> </b> Kramer leaves. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So I still haven't heard about that job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah that's a tough one. What are you going to do about that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have an idea. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I show up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean you show up? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I show up. I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't <b> </b><b> </b> have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hmm. Not bad. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's the worst thing that could happen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out <b> </b><b> </b> in shame with your tail between your legs. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, so? <b> </b> At the office. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to various people as he walks in) Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Hi nice to see <b> </b><b> </b> you. How are you. Good morning. (to the secretary) Good morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> How can I help you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The name's George Constanza. I'm starting work here today. I was wondering if you could tell <b> </b><b> </b> me where my office is. <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> I wasn't aware that, uh, Mike, this is George Constanza. He's starting here today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Welcome aboard. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thanks Mike. Nice to be aboard. <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> I wasn't aware that Mr. Tuttle was finished interviewing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, well, he was probably just getting anxious to start his vacation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> He wants to know where his office is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Oh, ah, let's see, we've got two. There's a big one down the hall there and a small one over here. <b> </b><b> </b> You know I should ask Jack. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh leave Jack alone. Jack's got enough problems. I'll just take the small office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MIKE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. I like to feel cozy. I have a very small apartment. I like to feel tucked in, nestled in. Love <b> </b><b> </b> to be nestled. <b> </b><b> MIKE </b> All right, it's 808 right down there. Meanwhile, I'll get you the Pensky file, you can start working on that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, yes of course. The Pensky file. Ho ho, can't wait to sink my teeth into that. Wow that <b> </b><b> </b> Pensky. Well we'll straighten him out. <b> </b> George walks into his office. He sets down his briefcase and coat and sits down. He quickly flips through <b> </b><b> </b> the folder, then drops the folder on his desk with a big thud. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George puts the folder in his briefcase. He picks up the briefcase and his coat and he walks out. <b> </b><b> </b> At Monk's. Jerry is wearing a baseball cap. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what did you do there all day? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They gave me the Pensky file. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So it's a nice place to work? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know I'm enjoying it very much. I think my coworkers are really taking to me. <b> </b><b> </b> *flashback* (a white fuzzy border is around the TV screen) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (continuing) I feel like a family. In fact, yesterday was Grace's birthday. She's such a sweet <b> </b><b> </b> woman so, we had a little party, with cake and champagne. I made a toast. <b> </b><b> </b> *end flashback* <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about your boss? The guys you interviewed you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He'll be back on Monday. <b> </b> Elaine enters and sits down. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. How come you're wearing a hat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got a haircut. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah? Can I see it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh there's nothing to see. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come on. Let me see it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Forget it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b> Jerry takes off his baseball cap. Elaine bursts out laughing. George starts laughing. Jerry rolls his eyes in <b> </b><b> </b> the air. Elaine and George are still laughing. George pounds his fist on the table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (still laughing, tears in her eyes) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I'll tell you this, you can forget about me going to that bachelor auction. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? No Jerry, you have to go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know Elaine, I'd do it but I'm working that day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (dryly) Yeah, too bad. <b> </b> At the barber shop. Gino is giving Kramer a shave. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It the worst haircut Jerry's ever had. You gotta fix it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GINO </b> Sure, I fix it. But you gotta make sure you no tell anybody. He's a little crazy. I don't know what <b> </b><b> </b> he'd do if he found out I touch Jerry's hair. (Enzo enters) So I love the Edward Scissorhands. That's the <b> </b><b> </b> best movie I've ever seen. <b> </b><b> ENZO </b> Oh ah, again with the Edward Scissorhands. How can you have hand like scissors, huh? Show me <b> </b><b> </b> one person who's got hand like scissors. <b> </b><b> GINO </b> Hey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love to be this man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ENZO </b> Did you ever think about what you're going to do on the toilet? (yelling) What are you going to do <b> </b><b> </b> on the toilet? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'd like to have shoehorn hands. <b> </b> At Monk's. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay listen to me. I talked to Gino, he's going to fix the haircut. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh great, then you can go to the bachelor auction. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but how am I... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No buts. His apartment tonight, Eight o'clock. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can he fix it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know. <b> </b> At Gino's apartment. <b> </b><b> GINO </b> Boy, you've got a beautiful head of hair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> GINO </b> I bet uncle Enzo, he tell you that all the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well actually Enzo hasn't said that to me in a while. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GINO </b> I don't think uncle Enzo realize what a lucky barber he is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's nice of you to say. <b> </b> The buzzer buzzes. <b> </b><b> GINO </b> Just a second. Yes. <b> </b><b> ENZO </b> (over the speaker) It's your uncle Enzo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GINO </b> It's Uncle Enzo. Go in there. I'll clean up. <b> </b><b> </b> "The Barber of Seville" music is playing. <b> </b> Gino picks up the chair and puts it into the closet. He picks up a broom and sweeps some hair into the next <b> </b><b> </b> room. <b> </b> *knock, knock, knock* <b> </b> Gino opens the door. <b> </b><b> GINO </b> Uncle Enzo, what are you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ENZO </b> I've come to apologize. <b> </b><b> GINO </b> Apologize? <b> </b><b> ENZO </b> Yes. I rented the move Edward Scissorhands. That Johnny Depp, he make me cry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GINO </b> He make me cry too. You want something to drink? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ENZO </b> Hey, what's all of this? <b> </b><b> GINO </b> Nothing. It's just hair. <b> </b><b> ENZO </b> You do haircut in the apartment? <b> </b><b> GINO </b> No. Pizza man was here. Maybe some fall off. He's going bald. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ENZO </b> It looks very familiar. <b> </b> (commercial) <b> </b> At Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In the one minute he worked on me I could tell he was really good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Slow, gentle, attentive. I told you he could do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Enzo picked up one of my hairs off the floor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, so? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think he knew. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. He doesn't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who do you know? He knows my hair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Listen you're just imagining things. He doesn't know a thing. Now come on. Pull yourself <b> </b><b> </b> together. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, okay. <b> </b> Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What happened? It looks the same. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He didn't get to finish it. His uncle came in. We almost got caught. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, the auction is in a few hours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Take the K-man. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can still go. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What are you kidding? Look at him. He's grotesque. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You think? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do I think? He's repugnant. <b> </b> Elaine fiddles with the hair, trying to make it not look so bad. It doesn't work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What would you wear? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whatever it takes. <b> </b> At the barber shop. <b> </b><b> ENZO </b> See, now Newman is a good customer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Once I find a barber I stick with him. I almost went to barber school. I always felt I had a talent <b> </b><b> </b> for it. <b> </b><b> ENZO </b> Oh, not everyone like Newman, so loyal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yeah, just the way that I was raised. I'm special. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ENZO </b> You know I don't mind if somebody's funny, but I no like the funny business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GINO </b> I'm going to go out for a little bit. I'll be right back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ENZO </b> Take your time. (Gino leaves) You happy with the haircut? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It's okay. A little crooked. <b> </b><b> ENZO </b> How'd you like to have free haircut for six months. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What's the catch? <b> </b><b> ENZO </b> You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a *year's* free haircuts. And a comb. <b> </b><b> </b> At George's office. <b> </b> George is "playing the drums" on his desk. He is tapping his desk with pencils. <b> </b><b> </b> *buzz* <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> (over the speaker) Mr. Costanza, Mr. Pensky is here to see you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mr. Pensky? Of the Pensky file? <b> </b> Pensky enters. <b> </b><b> PENSKY </b> Costanza? Arthur Pensky. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mr. Pensky. I was just working on your file. I was transferring the contents of the file into this <b> </b><b> </b> flexible accordion-style folder. <b> </b><b> PENSKY </b> Where's Tuttle? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's on vacation. <b> </b><b> PENSKY </b> He was on vacation the last time I dropped by. Give me my file. (looks through the file) Looks <b> </b><b> </b> like you put a lot of work into this. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well you know in college they used to call me the little bulldog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PENSKY </b> Hey, you are Pensky material. Would you ever consider coming to work directly for me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> PENSKY </b> You are aware... <b> </b> *buzz* <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> (over the speaker) Mr. Castanza? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not now Florice. <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> (speaker) I thought Mr. Pensky should know they're towing his car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PENSKY </b> Damn this city. <b> </b> Pensky leaves. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am aware. I am aware. <b> </b> At Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> GINO </b> He knows. He knows about us. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you know? <b> </b><b> GINO </b> Because I know. He's crazy. All morning, he looking at the hair. He *staring* at the hair. <b> </b><b> </b> *knock knock knock* <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who is it? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It's Newman. <b> </b><b> GINO </b> He was in the shop with Enzo. He can't see me here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, go in the bedroom. Open the window. You can go out the fire escape. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry opens the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you want? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Can I use your bathroom? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's wrong with yours? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> My toilet's clogged. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't unclog it? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you ask Kramer? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> He's out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Number one? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yes, yes. Can I go? Cause I gotta go very badly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. Flush twice. <b> </b> He goes in the bathroom. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (thinking to himself) (checks a comb) No. (checks a brush) Jackpot. I don't believe this. <b> </b><b> </b> There's no hair in this thing. I've never seen a person that didn't have at least *one* hair in a brush. <b> </b><b> </b> (searches the bathtub drain) Unbelievable, nothing. (sees some scissors) Ahh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You all right? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yeah, yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm watching Edward Scissorhands. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oh, can I watch a little? It's my favorite movie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah all right. <b> </b> Newman follows behind Jerry closely as Jerry goes to the kitchen. Newman puts the scissors close up to <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's hair. Jerry turns around. Newman hides the scissors. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You want something to drink? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> No. <b> </b> Newman tries again as Jerry goes to his couch. Newman follows behind Jerry closely. Newman puts the <b> </b><b> </b> scissors close up to Jerry's hair. Jerry turns around. Newman hides the scissors. Jerry looks at Newman <b> </b><b> </b> confused. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If you want to watch, sit down. You're making me nervous. I tell you this Scissorhands is a hell of <b> </b><b> </b> a barber. <b> </b> Newman reaches behind Jerry and get a snip of hair. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Gotta go. Oh gee, I dropped a nickel (reaches down and picks up the hair.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Newman leaves laughing. Jerry looks confused. <b> </b> At the barber shop. <b> </b><b> ENZO </b> Did you get it? Oh you done good Newman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> It was a cinch. Where are you going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ENZO </b> Io volgio vandetta. <b> </b> At the auction house. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nine hundred. Do I hear a thousand? Ladies, he is a Harvard graduate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> A thousand. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A thousand. Okay, a thousand once, a thousand twice, a thousand three times, sold to the lucky <b> </b><b> </b> lady in the third row. Congratulations, thank you so much. <b> </b> Kramer peeks out the curtain and comes out and walks around on stage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay next bachelor is number, um 124 on your program. He's uh, he's a high school graduate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Equivalent. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, uh equivalency. A high school equivalency program graduate. He's uh, self-employed. He's... <b> </b><b> </b> I don't know, six foot three, 190 pounds, he likes, uh... fruit, and he just got uh, a haircut. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer steps from the stage onto a table. The table tips over and Kramer falls off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Kramer. Okay uh, why don't we start the bidding. Do I hear, uh, five bucks? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't get this Scissorhands. What, is he supposed to be like a super hero, like Green Lantern or <b> </b><b> </b> somebody? What's with this guy? (Gino looks at him annoyed) Just asking. <b> </b><b> </b> *knock, knock, knock* <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who is it? <b> </b><b> ENZO </b> (yelling) Enzo Manginero. <b> </b> "Barber of Seville" music playing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my god, he knows. (Jerry and Gino scrambling) Go. (yelling to the door) One second. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ENZO </b> It was you that was in Gino's apartment the other night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I wasn't there. <b> </b><b> ENZO </b> Don't lie. I know it was you. I get a sample of your hair. I match them up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sample? (under his breath) Newman. Uh, I was there but I was just dropping off a book. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GINO </b> Don't Jerry. <b> </b><b> ENZO </b> So, it's true. <b> </b><b> GINO </b> Yes it's true. <b> </b><b> ENZO </b> I'm going to kill the both of you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Enzo notices "Edward Scissorhands" playing on the TV and becomes calm. <b> </b><b> </b> At the office. <b> </b> George is at his desk sleeping with a newspaper draped over him. Tuttle walks in. He bangs on the door. <b> </b><b> </b> George wakes up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mr. Tuttle, you're back. <b> </b><b> TUTTLE </b> George, I'm surprised to see you here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You are? <b> </b><b> TUTTLE </b> I though you would have taken the large office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. Really. <b> </b><b> TUTTLE </b> I guess I didn't make that clear when I hired you. So where's that Pensky file? Let's see what <b> </b><b> </b> you've been up to all week. (pages through the file) What have you been doing all week? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well you missed a lovely little party that we had for Grace. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TUTTLE </b> You haven't done anything with this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well bear in mind that I am in the smaller office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TUTTLE </b> I'm beginning to wonder if you understand anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You are aware that Pensky is interested in me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TUTTLE </b> (scoffs) You're not Pensky material. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, we'll just see about that. Ta-ta, Tut-tle. <b> </b><b> </b> At Jerry's apartment. <b> </b> Gino and Enzo are watching "Edward Scissorhands" on TV. They are both sobbing. <b> </b><b> </b> At the barber shop. <b> </b> "Barber of Seville" music is playing. <b> </b> Jerry looks in the barber shop window and sees Newman giving a guy a haircut. He enters. Newman looks <b> </b><b> </b> at him scared. Jerry picks up an electric razor and walks toward Newman. Newman is very frightened. <b> </b><b> </b> (commercial) <b> </b><b> PENSKY </b> Gee George, I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression. What is was going to say was, now you <b> </b><b> </b> are aware that our Board of Directors has been indicted, myself included, and we're prohibited from doing <b> </b><b> </b> business until the investigation is completed. So obviously, we would have no use for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Obviously. <b> </b> *buzz* <b> </b><b> PENSKY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> (over the speaker) Excuse me, but Mr. Costanza's car is being towed. <b> </b><b> </b> George waves his hand and the final note of "Barber of Seville" plays. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Barber Script

1993-11-18

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE MASSEUSE </b> Written by Peter Mehlman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's office and Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Elaine's on the phone with Jerry) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No eight years isn't such a long streak. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It isn't? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I haven't vomited in thirteen years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get out! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not since June 29, 1980. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You remember the date? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, because my previous vomit was also June 29th... 1972. That's why during the '80 vomit, I was yelling to George: "Can you believe it? I'm vomiting on June 29th again." <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Boy, you know when Joel told me he hadn't thrown up in eight years, I was wondering if he was normal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just happens to have the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New-York. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah... (2 co-workers enter Elaine's office) Oh Jer, I gotta go. I gotta go. (she hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOANNE </b> Hi, we just saw your boyfriend at a bus stop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah? <b> </b><b> JOANNE </b> Yeah. What's his name? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Joel... <b> </b><b> JOANNE </b> Joel what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh... Rifkin. <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> Rifkin? Joel Rifkin? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. It's just a coincidence obviously. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> Guess you better keep on his good side. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Very funny. That's very funny. <b> </b><b> JOANNE </b> I wouldn't sleep with my back to him if I were you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. Well that's enough of that. That's enough. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> Hey Elaine listen. If you smell anything decaying in the trunk of his car... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (she's upset, gets up and yells) OK look this is my boyfriend we're talking about OK? And he's a gentlemen, he's good looking, he's a good shaver and he hasn't thrown up in eigth years so just shut up about him! Shut up! <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The whole city is talking about this monster Joel Rifkin, and I am dating a Joel Rifkin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But you like your Joel Rifkin. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. I just wish he has a different name. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ask him to change it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can't ask a person to change their name. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Would you change yours? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If someone asked me nicely. I'm Claude Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, how many people did Rifkin strangle? Eighteen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Eighteen strangles. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know why Rifkin was a serial killer? Because he was adopted. (saying it as he's taking a lot of paper towels from Jerry's roll; Elaine and Jerry are confused at Kramer's statement) Just like Son of Sam was adopted. So apparently adoption leads to serial killing. (Kramer leaves and we don't know why he needed so much paper towels) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know Joel and I have an extra ticket to the Giants game. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry doesn't have the time to open his mouth before Kramer pops in again) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll go. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> O.K. I'll leave the ticket for you at will call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! Ooh! (leaves again) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You think I should have asked George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey did you hear that George got back with Karen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Karen? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Risotto. (we see a flashback from The Mango where Karen tells George that she feels full after a Risotto, as opposed to when she has sex with him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! The Risotto broad. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. He's really got a good thing with her. In fact I'm doubling with them tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I tought you didn't like double dates. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George likes them, he feels it's a good personality showcase. He likes a date to see him with a friend so she can get a window into his nondate personality. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've looked through that window and screamed at him to shut the blinds. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He feels he's funnier, more relaxed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And you're taking... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jody the masseuse. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, did you get a massage yet? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No! How many times do I have to go out with her before I get a massage? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, she gives massages all day. She doesn't wanna to give them on dates. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah I know... She just wants to have sex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well it's like going to Idhao and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idhao, I want a potato. <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (The Chinese restaurant (the same as in 'The Chinese Restaurant')) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry, Jody, Karen and George sitting at a table. Yes! They got a table!) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (George is telling a story. Karen is laughing and she seems to be the only one to find him funny) So I go into this clothing store and the saleswoman is wearing this (whistling) low cut thing. So I said to her: "Can I ask you a question? When you put on a top like that, what's your tought process? What's going on in your mind?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> KAREN </b> That is so funny. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Jody) You're listening to this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> Yeah. I heard you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Jody) My neck is killing me. Right in this spot. Very tender over here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> (to George) So what did she say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well nothing. I didn't actually say that. (Karen is still laughing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> You just said that you said it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sweetheart, I was exaggerating. <b> </b><b> KAREN </b> I'm learning a lot about you tonight George. I've never seen you like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (touching the back of his neck) It's like somebody's pulling on wires back here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know it's like you never see a really attractive woman getting a traffic ticket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> How can you say that? My sister got a ticket last week. Are you saying she's not attractive? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I've never met your sister but obviously these are not hard-and-fast rules. (to the waitress) Darling, the tea is getting a little cold sweetheart. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> (to Jerry) Can we go? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Let's go. <b> </b><b> KAREN </b> So soon? (they get up) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Good seeing you again Karen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KAREN </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JODI </b> Nice meeting you Karen. <b> </b><b> KAREN </b> Yeah. Nice to meet you too and I'm gonna call you about that massage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jody let's do this agian real soon (he tends his arms for a hug but she avoids him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> Yeah. (she and Jerry walk away) <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's place later that night) <b> </b> (Jerry and Jody are sitting next to each other on the couch, watching TV) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I strained my neck last night. <b> </b><b> JODI </b> Really, how? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I tried brushing my teeth by holding the brush and moving my head from side to side. It didn't work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> So what's the deal with your friend George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No deal. Why? <b> </b><b> JODI </b> What was all that "attractive women not getting tickets" nonsense? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He was just showcasing his nondate pesonality. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> I don't know how you can hang out with that guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Sometimes he really makes me tense (he takes Jody's hand and put it on his shoulder) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> Did you see the way that he was eating? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, he's disgusting. (putting her hand back on his shoulder. She unconsciously starts to massage a little while watching <b> TV) </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> I have to tell you, I really don't like him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, me either. (he takes her other hand and put it on his other shoulder) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> It's just I hate that type. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, he's a bad seed. <b> </b><b> JODI </b> Now you however, you, I like. (she stops massaging and kisses Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> JODI </b> What do you think I'm doing? (he won't get his massage...) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (The Chinese restaurant) <b> </b> (George and Karen are still at the table, they're about to leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, what do you think? <b> </b><b> KAREN </b> Really enjoyed it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jody's nice. <b> </b><b> KAREN </b> She's very nice. (grabs George's hand) Let's discuss this later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think she liked me? She seemed to like me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KAREN </b> Yeah <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was personable. Don't you think I was personable? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KAREN </b> You were *extremely* personable. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I tought I picked up a little something. I'm very good at this. Did you pick up anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KAREN </b> I didn't pick up anything. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The second time I sent the noodle back, I tought she made a face... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KAREN </b> I didn't see a face. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I tought I saw a face. <b> </b><b> KAREN </b> Anyhow, what is the difference? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No difference. I could care less. She's Jerry's girlfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KAREN </b> George, George, instead of talking about this, we could be... you know... (she makes a move with her head like George did in 'The Mango' while saying: "instead of the movie...") <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He he he he <b> </b><b> KAREN </b> Ah ah ah ah <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you think she likes me? <b> </b> (Karen gives up and slams her forehead down on the table) <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's place) <b> </b> (She's sitting on the couch, reading, and Joel is coming quietly behind her to massage her neck.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (as he touches her) Uhh! What are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Massaging your neck. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. Huh. Of course. Massaging. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Uh, boning up on football? (talking about the magazine she's reading as he sits beside her) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah. You know what? There are a lot of players named Dion these days. What a cool name, Dion. If I were gonna change my name, I'd go with Dion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Dion Benes? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well as a woman, it makes no sense. But, I mean, let's say I was you. And I decided I was gonna change my name for no real reasons whatsoever-- Dion Rifkin. Wow! That is so cool. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> D-Dion Rifkin? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well maybe you're not the Dion type. O.K. then let's see, let's see, what do we got? (looking at the magazine, she starts to gasp and loses it) Oh! Oh oh oh! O.J.! O.J. Rifkin! You don't even use a name, it's just initials. Oh please please please change your name to O.J.! Please, it would be so great! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Elaine! What is going on? <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (Jerry and George at a booth) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She stayed over? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. (disappointed) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The sex wasn't so good? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. The sex was fabulous. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I want the massage! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you ask her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I tried putting her hands there (on his neck) but she pulls it away immediately, she's not into it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess 'cause it's her job. It's very frustrating. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So we had a good time... the four of us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We all got along. Everyone seemed very pleasant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What did Jodi say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She had a good time. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is that it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pretty much. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did she say anything about, uh... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nah. It's all right. Great! She had a good time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah (a so-so yeah as he takes a sip of coffee) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You just hesitated. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was blowing on the coffee. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She didn't like me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look it's not like you're gonna be spending a lot of time with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So she doesn't like me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She said that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She told you she doesn't like me! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What were her exact-- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "I don't like him." <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh-Huh (gulp) Why didn't she like me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not everybody likes everybody! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I tried to be nice. I wasn't nice? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You were very nice! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I bent over backwards for that woman! Is it that thing I said about her sister? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It has nothing to do with her sister. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't even know her sister but believe me, if she's getting traffic tickets, she's not that good-looking! <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (hall in Jerry's building) <b> </b> (George and Jerry are coming back from Monk's) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You vomited in 1987. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh no. That was the dry heaves. <b> </b> (Jodi is in front of Jerry's door) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jodi. <b> </b><b> JODI </b> Hey, Jerry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ha! Ha! Hey! (moving his arms like: it's so great to be all here) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> JODI </b> I was giving Kramer a massage. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer! (tries to hide he's upset and jealous) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> I got to run. I have an appointment downtown. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Here. Let me take your tabe downstairs for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> No that's O.K. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Please give it to me. I love to help people. This is what I do. Come on. I'm going this way. (he takes the table from Jodi's hands and she has no choice but to follow him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll see you tonight. (he's opening his door apartment as Kramer comes out of his in a bathrobe) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! I am looser than creamed corn! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who told you to get a massage from her. I haven't gotten a massage from her yet! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You don't know what you're missing buddy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (they enter Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (street in front of Jerry's building) <b> </b> (George and Jodi) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No one hails a cab like me. My hailing technique is unmatched. I get the wrist going from side to side and boom! Cabs are crashing into themselves to just pick me up. (a cab stops) All right, here we go. Let me get door. Feminists aside, I know women like the door holding. Here we are all righty. O.K. Jodi let's get together again real soon and say hello to your sister for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> You've never met. (the cab starts and George is following to keep talking to Jodi) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whatever. Believe me, if I wasn't involved right now, I wouldn't mind being set up. Something tells me she's a knockout. (we see, from the camera inside the cab, George's hand waving as the cab drives away) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Kramer is lying on the couch as Jerry is cutting a block of cheese on the kitchen counter) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Kramer is talking much more slowly and smoother than usual) First she sets the mood perfectly with this new age music played over ocean sounds. Then she lays you out on this table, and she proceeds to rub oil over your entire body. And she rubs long... and deep... Jerry, she rubs with love. (Jerry is obviously cutting much harder than the cheese needs it as he listens to Kramer) Every muscles she touches just... (long pause) ooo-zz-es. Beneath those silky, soft fingers, you can scarcely contain yourself, buddy. (Jerry slams down the knife and goes to the couch) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you had a good time. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh... yeah... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Enjoyed yourself. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Very... much... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right now you listen and you listen good! (he grabs Kramer's legs and throws him down the couch) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What! (Kramer is back to his usual way of speaking) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The massages are out! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wha-- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ahh!!! They're out! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because if I can't get one, you're not getting one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I need my massages! Can't you see I'm burned out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry, Kramer. (he goes back to the kitchen) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why? Why? Look, I paid for her. (Jerry stops walking) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't you ever talk about her like that! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's final!!! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah!!! Yahh!!! <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (Giants Stadium) <b> </b> (Elaine and Joel) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, you have photos in your wallet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Yeah. Why? Is that weird? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, it's normal. You're very normal. You're totally normal. Who's this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> That's my mother. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah. I see the resemblance. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> No, there's no resemblance. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, there is, right here you see-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Elaine, I was adopted. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pause) Oh. That's nice. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> The game's about to start. I wonder where your friend Kramer is. <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (ticket counter) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to the ticket man) Uh, yeah, a ticket for Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TICKET MAN </b> Here it is. I need some I.D. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah. (snaps fingers) You know, I forgot my wallet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TICKET MAN </b> Well, I can't give it to you then. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Are you kidding me? <b> </b><b> TICKET MAN </b> I'm afraid not. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on, just look at me. Tell me I'm not Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TICKET MAN </b> I'm sorry. I need proof. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, I'll drive out here tomorrow and I'll show the I.D. I got nothing to do all day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TICKET MAN </b> Neither do I. But without I.D., I need confirmation from the person who left the ticket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Where is a phone? <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (back to Elaine and Joel watching the game) <b> </b><b> ANNOUNCER </b> Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? Would Joel Rifkin report to the stadium office. Joel Rifkin...telephone. (the crowd stops cheering and we see a football player distracted from the game while hearing the announcer saying Joel Rifkin) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Who would be calling me here? (he stands up and look around) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to the person in front of her) He's not the murderer. <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Kramer enters, moaning) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, God. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the matter with you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, I need another massage! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You just had one yesterday. What do you need another one for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because of the Giant game! I told you, It went overtime! You know what those seats are like. They're very unforgiving. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh please. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And then the game-winning field goal went over the net and into the crowd and I dove over three rows! My back, it's killing me! It's killing me Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, did you get the ball? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh I got the ball. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I never even caught a foul ball at a baseball game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, It's quite a thrill. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you get somebody else? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because nobody does it like she does. She's the best. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's it! Tonight's the night. I'm getting one. No "if and's or but's". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What about my massage? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ask Newman. <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (George and Karen at a booth) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So I lugged that table. That big heavy massage table all the way down to the cab! You ever seen one of those things? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KAREN </b> Of course. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I don't know. Maybe you haven't. You know, not everybody's seen a massage table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KAREN </b> What, do you think I've never had a massage before? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Anyway, I don't even get a thank you. I don't get it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KAREN </b> George, frankly, I'm getting a little tired of hearing about her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I wanna know what I did to this woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KAREN </b> What, you got a little thing for her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, No! She's going out with a friend of mine. It's only courteous that we should try and like each other. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KAREN </b> What difference does it make? Who cares if she doesn't like you? Does everybody in the world have to like you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. I must be liked! <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's apartment) <b> </b> (Elaine and Joel sitting on the couch) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Of course I support your decision to change your name. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> After the Giant game I realized that this--this problem isn't going away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, listen, I just want you to know that I was more than willing to stick it out with Joel Rifkin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Sure? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (she fakes a strangling) RRR... <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> O.K. you got your list? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Yeah. 10 names. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Right. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> O.K. And if somebody objects, you can just veto it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b><b> O.K. </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> O.K. You start. What's your first choice? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Stuart. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (right away) No. Second choice. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Stu--Stuart's no good? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've never met a normal guy named Stuart. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> O-O.K. My second choice is... Todd. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (repeating to hear how it sounds) Todd. (pause) No. Veto. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> All right. Oh, Hey, I think you're gonna like my first my third choice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Great... <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Alex. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I gotta tell you, I have a bad association with the name Alex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Bad bad association? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, in college I sat next to an Alex in art history. And he was always drinking coffee and after every sip he would go: "Ahh!". I mean every two seconds: "Ahh!". And he would take like 40 sips and after everyone: "Ahh!". I had to drop the class. <b> </b><b> </b> (scnen ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's place) <b> </b> (Jerry is opening the door for Jodi. She has her massage table. New age music is playing, and the lights are shaded) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JODI </b> Hi. (kissing) I was running late and I didn't have a chance to drop off my stuff before I came over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, no problem. That's fine. <b> </b><b> JODI </b> What's with this music? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's new age music. Sounds of the forest. I find it soothing. Hey, look at this! What do you know? A massage table! This is great! (he starts to install the table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just checking it out. Look at how this thing is made. Can I tell you something? That's a hell of a piece of equipment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> Actually, I should get a new one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nonsense. This one's fine. (as he sits on the table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> So, where do you wanna go? (as she puts her hand on his shoulder) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Go? Why go anywhere? (as he places his hand over hers. She starts to massage his shoulders a little) Ahh, that feels good. Yeah. That's, uh... That's good. (he tries to go further. He grabs her hands over his shoulders and he lies down on the table on his chest) Yeah, that's nice. That's very nice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> (she stops massaging) No. No, this isn't good. I can't do this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why, what's wrong? (he grabs her hands and force her to keep them on his shoulders) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> I can't (she tries harder to pull her hands away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. Yes you can. (he hangs on) <b> </b><b> JODI </b> No, I can't! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on! I know it's something you wanna do! (she pulls harder and he falls right off the table) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (Karen's place) <b> </b> (George and Karen are making out on the couch) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what? I should really go talk to her. Nothing confrontational. Just two adults sitting down trying to clear the air. I just know if I could spend some time alone with her. I've got to. (he grabs his jacket) I've got to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KAREN </b> You're going now? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think I can still catch her. <b> </b><b> KAREN </b> All right George. I have had just about enough of this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? What are you talking about. <b> </b><b> KAREN </b> I am talking about you and Jodi. You're completely obsessed with her! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. I know. <b> </b><b> KAREN </b> Who is more important to you, her or me? I like you, she doesn't. Who are you gonna pick? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (he thinks a little about it... and as he puts his hand on his knee and gets up) I'm sorry Karen. I know I care for you, but I just can't stand when someone doesn't like me. (he opens the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KAREN </b> Well, now *I* hate you! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That I'm used to. (he leaves) <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (back to Elaine's place) <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Ned? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is wrong with Ned? <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Ned's a guy who buys irregular underwear. Next! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ellis. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Ellis?! You might as well go with Alex. It's the same thing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ellis and Alex aren't even close. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b><b> NEXT! </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohh, what is the point? <b> </b><b> JOEL </b><b> NO, NO. COME ON! </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> O.K. O.K. Remy. <b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Remy Rifkin? Should I get a beret? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Stuart's a lot better! (talking like a baby) Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEL </b> Grrrr! <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b> (back to Jerry's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean, no? <b> </b><b> JODI </b> No means no. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, who are you kidding? You come up to my apartment with your table and your little oils, and I'm not supposed to expect anything? You're a massage teaser. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JODI </b> Listen. I massage who I want, when I want. I don't submit to forcible massage. (he tries desperately to get her hands on his shoulders again but she pulls them away immediately) I'm getting out of here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fine. Go. <b> </b> (George enters. He's staring at Jodi) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, could you excuse us for a few minutes, please? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What for? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We need to talk. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> *You* need to talk? <b> </b><b> JODI </b> We have nothing to talk about. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look it's no secret what's going on between us. (to Jerry) She doesn't like me. Now Jerry if you don't mind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, anything you have to say to her, you can say in front of me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (he makes a sign to Jodi to wait and turns to Jerry) Jerry... This woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She just dislikes me so much... It's irresistable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can see that. <b> </b><b> JODI </b> I'm getting out of here. (to Jerry) Don't call me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't worry. (she leaves) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're a lucky guy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got to go after her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George. I wouldn't push for the massage. (George nods) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> JODI! (he starts running after her) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Masseuse Script

1993-12-09

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE CIGAR STORE INDIAN </b> Written by Tom Gammill &amp; Max Pross <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> Jerry's standup piece. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can always tell what was the best year of your father's life, because <b> </b><b> </b> they seem to just freeze that clothing style and just ride it out to the end, <b> </b> don't they? And it's not like they don't continue shopping, it's just they <b> </b> somehow manage to find new old clothes. Every father is like this fashion time <b> </b> capsule, you know what I mean. It's like they should be on a pedestal, with <b> </b> someone next to 'em going 'This was nineteen sixty-five'. To me the worst thing <b> </b> is shopping for pants. I hate dressing and undressing in that little room. What <b> </b> men need is a place to shop where you go in, you check your pants at the door, <b> </b> and you just walk around the store in your underwear. That would be the best <b> </b> way. Then you'd really have to lie to the salesman. 'Need some help?' 'No, just <b> </b> getting some air.' <b> </b> (George's parents' house) <b> </b> Elaine and Jerry in the living room. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How would you describe the smell in this house? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sniffing) Dandruff? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's part of it. (sniffs) Kasha? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There's some kasha. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Dandruff, kasha, mothballs, cheap carpeting. It's pot pourri, <b> </b> really. <b> </b> George enters from the kitchen (?). <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, let's go, come on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wha... you're going? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. You know we shouldn't have bowled that last game, I'm gonna be <b> </b> late. <b> </b> Kramer enters from bathroom. He's holding some brightly coloured objects in his <b> </b> hand and obviously has an unpleasant taste in his mouth. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Egh. These aren't candies. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer. did you use those? These are guest soaps! (he grabs the soaps <b> </b> and begins examining them for damage) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I'm a guest. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Now my parents are gonna know I had people over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not allowed to have people over? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't have any parties while they're out of town. (he leaves to return <b> </b><b> </b> the soaps) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, this is a party? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Not any more. Come on, get your ball, we're leaving. Let's go, let's go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry, Elaine and Kramer begin to leave. George re-enters and notices Jerry's <b> </b> mug on the coffee table. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (yells) Wow! Who put this cup right on the new table! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (picks it up) I was having coffee, I put it on the coffee table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But you didn't use a coaster, Jerry, you left a stain! (he runs to <b> </b> kitchen) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whoah boy. There's always one at every party, huh? <b> </b><b> </b> George returns with a cloth and begins wiping at the stain. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (impatient) Come on! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the big rush? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm having people over. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The girls for poker night. You know, Joanne, Renee, Winona... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Eh, eh, ah. Winona's gonna be there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. And she broke up with the vitamin guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (interested) Really? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll put in a good word for you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks, because I would really like... (distractedly puts coffee cup back <b> </b><b> </b> on the table) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (screaming) Aaahh!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (picks it up again) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But Jerry, this is not coming out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just put a coffee table book over it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My parents don't read! They're gonna wonder what a book is doing on the <b> </b><b> </b> table! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what would make a great coffee table book? <b> </b> A coffee table book about coffee tables! Get it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Got it! C'mon, let's go, let's go. Bye George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait, wait wait, not so fast. Jerry, you gotta take me to get this thing <b> </b><b> </b> refinished. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Now?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, now. It's gonna take a few days and my parents are gonna be back. I <b> </b><b> </b> gotta have it back before them! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, you promised you'd get me home by seven. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, we'll take the subway. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There you go. That'll get you home in time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! The subway? From Queens? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, Jerry, I'm gonna get my coat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry Elaine, I'll make it up to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I need something to read on the subway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (handing her a magazine) Here, read this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (looks at it) TV Guide? <b> </b> (Subway train) <b> </b> Elaine and Kramer sit together. Elaine is reading TV Guide, Kramer is expanding <b> </b> on his book concept. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got history of coffee tables, celebrities and their coffee tables. <b> </b> It's a natural. This is a story that must be told. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (engrossed in magazine) Hmm-mmm. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, you're gonna talk to your boss about it, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (still paying no attention) Hmm-mmm. First thing in the morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (claps hands) Yes indeed. <b> </b><b> TANNOY </b> Next stop, Queensboro Plaza. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, Queensboro Plaza. (reties his shoelaces) This stop is famous for its <b> </b> gyros, you want one? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How are you gonna get something and get back on the train in time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, they got a stand right out on the platform. Gyros are cooked, and <b> </b><b> </b> wrapped, and ready to go. (he pulls money from his pocket) Three dollars, no <b> </b> change. You want one? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughing) No thanks. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, but no bites. <b> </b> Kramer goes to the door, where he stands jostling with a couple of other guys <b> </b> waiting for it to open. When it does, they all exit in a hurry. Elaine continues <b> </b> to study the TV Guide. A guy sitting opposite (bald, glasses, anorak inside and <b> </b> out) proffers a pen. <b> </b><b> RICKY </b> Highlighter? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Excuse me? <b> </b><b> RICKY </b> To highlight the programmes you plan to watch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah. Uh, look really (looks about to try and avoid contact) I'm just <b> </b> trying to read. <b> </b><b> RICKY </b> Fine, okay. It's just, I've never seen a beautiful lady reading 'the <b> </b> Guide' so far away from a TV. You must really like television. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The train about to leave, the doors begin to close. As they do, Kramer tries to <b> </b> enter. The door closes, trapping his arm at the shoulder, leaving him holding <b> </b> his gyro into the carriage. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (yells) Elaine! <b> </b> A passenger walking down the carriage grabs the gyro from Kramer's hand and sits <b> </b> down to eat it. Kramer extracts his arm and the doors slam closed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RICKY </b> Guess your boyfriend'll have to catch the next train. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's not my boyfriend. <b> </b><b> RICKY </b> He's not? (thoughtful) Interesting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Furniture refinishers) <b> </b> Gepetto, the store owner is assessing the state of the coffee table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, maybe I should get Elaine something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, you know, I didn't drive her home. Plus, I give her a gift in front <b> </b> of Winona, how does that hurt me? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can't hurt you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about, what about this thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The Indian? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. You know, kind of a peace offering. Cute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEPETTO </b> Well, I can have the table ready for you on Monday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, but no later, because my parents are coming back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEPETTO </b> They left you home alone, huh? <b> </b> (Subway train) <b> </b> Elaine still sits with Ricky the TV anorak. He's poring over the TV Guide. <b> </b> Elaine is looking like she'd rather be anywhere else. <b> </b><b> RICKY </b> Oh, 'kay, see. On this particular Tuesday (he swaps seats and sits beside <b> </b> Elaine) you could've watched six hours of Lucy. There's I Love Lucy, The Lucy <b> </b> Show, Here's Lucy. <b> </b> The brakes come on as the train pulls into a stop. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, (nervous laugh) my stop. (making her escape) Bye-bye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICKY </b> (after Elaine) Hey miss! (waving TV Guide) You forgot this! <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine has gone. Ricky looks at the cover of the magazine, and sees the address <b> </b> label, upon which is printed F. COSTANZA, 1344 QUEENS BLVD, FLUSHING <b> NY 11353 </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Furniture refinishers) <b> </b> Gepetto explaining the Indian to Jerry. George sits waiting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEPETTO </b> They don't make these any more. The work is, is all done by hand. <b> </b> (Sylvia enters the store behind him) Takes years, and years, and... (notices) <b> </b> Sylvia! For crying out, you're forty-five minutes late! <b> </b><b> SYLVIA </b> Yeah, yeah. (to George, smiling) Is that your car out there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, it's, it's his. (indicates Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SYLVIA </b> Oh, nice. You guys are obviously from Manhattan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, he is. I, uh, I live around the corner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SYLVIA </b> Really? Ah, I didn't think any cool guys lived in this neighbourhood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (sensing his chance) Well, they do now. Neighbourhood's changing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I'll take it. <b> </b><b> GEPETTO </b> Smart choice. <b> </b><b> SYLVIA </b> Wow, you bought the Indian? Oh, you guys have great taste. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, we're collectors. We, uh, see objects of great beauty and, uh, we <b> </b><b> </b> must have them. <b> </b> (Elaine's apartment) <b> </b> Elaine and the girls are sitting at a table playing poker. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Knocked you out Jack. Pair of deuces <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE GIRLS </b> Oh/Aah. (and similar comments) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (triumphant) Ha, ha, ha ha! <b> </b> There's a knock at the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who is it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's Jerry. <b> </b> Elaine gets up and opens the door, revealing Jerry standing beside a large <b> </b> object (the Indian) half-covered with a black plastic bag. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Surprise! (he carries in the object) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I felt bad about this afternoon, so I got you something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, you did? (to girls) Oh, do you guys all know Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE GIRLS </b> Hi Jerry/Hello. (etc) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. Hi Winona. Nice to see you again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GIRL </b> Elaine, is it your birthday? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't need a reason to give gifts, it's my nature. I love to make <b> </b> people happy. <b> </b><b> THE GIRLS </b> Aww/That's so sweet. (general murmur of approval) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you ready? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (whips off bag to reveal Indian) Ta-da! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> There is a deathly hush. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a cigar store Indian. (to Elaine) Read the card. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (examines card) (embarrassed) That's very nice. Thank you very much. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Read it out loud. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I, I don't think so. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (takes the card from Elaine) We had a little fight this afternoon. <b> </b> (reading from card) Let's bury the hatchet. We smoke um peace pipe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WINONA </b> (gathering her stuff) Hey, you know, it's late. I really should go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I, uh, I don't blame you Winona. I, uh... <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry begins rocking the Indian back and forth, making the stereotypical movie <b> </b> Indian chant. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey-yah, ho-ah, hey-yah, ho-ah. <b> </b> Winona leaves, looking offended. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you out of your mind?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...ho-ah. It's, it's, it's kitschy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Winona is a Native American. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She is? <b> </b> (George's parents' house) <b> </b> Sylvia is looking round the living room. Some cheesy male harmony singing can be <b> </b> heard in the background. <b> </b><b> SYLVIA </b> You got very unusual taste. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (proffering glasses) I hope prune juice is alright. It's the only thing <b> </b> I had that was chilled. <b> </b><b> SYLVIA </b> Fine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sorry about that lock on the liquor cabinet. The combination musta <b> </b> just flown outta my head. It's a mental block. <b> </b><b> SYLVIA </b> (regarding photo) Ahh! Is this your son in the bubble bath? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (bashful) No, that's me. <b> </b><b> SYLVIA </b> Oh. You don't see many guys your age who keep baby pictures of <b> </b> themselves around. (laughs) I like it. Consistent with the rest of the house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, it is consistent. I've, uh, I've tried to maintain a consistent <b> </b> feel throughout the house. <b> </b><b> SYLVIA </b> What is this we're listening to? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The Ray Conniff Singers. (nervous chuckle) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SYLVIA </b> Mmmm, what's that smell? Kasha? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a pot pourri. May I, uh, may I show you the master bedroom? (they <b> </b><b> </b> leave together) <b> </b> Jerry, downstairs at Winona's building. He's talking on the buzzer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WINONA </b> Who is it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, Winona, it's Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> WINONA </b> (unimpressed) Yeah? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uhm, listen, I really felt bad about what happened, and I, I, I'd really <b> </b><b> </b> like to apologise. Can I come up? <b> </b><b> WINONA </b> I'll come down. <b> </b> (Elaine's apartment) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I came by to get my ball. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's right over there. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, yeah, thanks. (gets ball) Yeah, it's got the magic grip. How d'you <b> </b><b> </b> think I bowled that two-twenty today, huh? (sees Indian) Yo! Where did this come <b> </b> from? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You want it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (unbelieving) I can have this?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yuh! You wanna lug it uptown, it's yours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. I'll lug. <b> </b> (Street outside Winona's) <b> </b><b> WINONA </b> It's just that it's a very sensitive issue for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And well it should be. I think if you spent any time with me at all, <b> </b> you'd see I'm very sensitive to these matters as well. You wouldn't be hungry by <b> </b> any chance, wouldya? <b> </b><b> WINONA </b> (smiling) I guess I could go for a bite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You like Chinese food, 'cos I once went to a great Szechwan restaurant in <b> </b><b> </b> this neighbourhood. I don't remember the exact address... (he spots a mailman <b> </b> crouched emptying a box) Uh, excuse me, you must know where the Chinese <b> </b> restaurant is around here. <b> </b> The mailman stands, turns and is revealed as Chinese. He takes offence. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAILMAN </b> Why must I know? Because I'm Chinese? You think I know where all the <b> </b> Chinese restaurants are? (adopts hackneyed Chinese accent) Oh, ask honolable <b> </b> Chinaman for rocation of lestaulant. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I asked because you were the mailman, you would know the neighbourhood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAILMAN </b> Oh, hello American Joe. Which way to hamburger, hotdog stand? (storms <b> </b> away) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't know that... <b> </b><b> WINONA </b> You know, it's late. I should probably just go home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I, I had no idea. <b> </b> A cab drives by. Kramer leans out the window, along with the top of the Indian. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (yells) Hey Jerry! (thumps cab door with his palm) Look what I got! <b> </b> (begins doing war-whoops) <b> </b> Winona looks offended again. Jerry is mortified, and can find nothing to say. <b> </b> Winona storms back into her building. <b> </b> (George's parent's house) <b> </b> George and Jerry are returning the table. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Looks pretty good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, did a good job. <b> </b> They put the various ornaments back on the table. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. I don't think they'll be able to tell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I don't get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person where the <b> </b><b> </b> Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I <b> </b> mean, someone asks me which way's Israel, I don't fly off the handle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, anyway, what's uh, what's the status with, uh... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, she kinda calmed down. I talked to her today. In fact I'm gonna see <b> </b><b> </b> her tonight. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, great. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but I'm a little uncomfortable. I'm afraid of making another <b> </b> mistake. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aw c'mon. <b> </b> The front door opens and George's parents enter. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Hello, hello! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (insincerely) Ahh, hey you're home. Hi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Oh, the house looks very nice. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, huh. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Where's the mail? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Hello Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, how was the trip? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Ah, your father... <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Is there anything wrong with getting a receipt at a toll booth? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I'm going upstairs. (she leaves for the bedroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (examining mail) This stack should be bigger, where's the TV Guide? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What TV Guide? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I'm missing TV Guide volume forty-one, number thirty-one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, Elaine took it to read on the subway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Elaine took it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't know she took it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wa, it's two weeks old. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (shouting) How could you let her take the TV Guide?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Jerry) He collects them. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You collect TV Guide? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> The nerve of that woman. Walking into my house, stealing my collectible! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (screaming) Oh my God! (she enters holding a small packet) This was in <b> </b> our bed. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (taking the packet) What is this? (accusingly to George) A prophylactic <b> </b> wrapper?! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> What is this doing on my bed?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, uh... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll see you later. (he leaves with unseemly haste) <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You were having sex on our bed?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Who told you you could have sex in our bed? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pleading) Well, my bed is too small. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Your bed is too small? I'm gone two weeks and you turn our house into, <b> </b><b> </b> into Bourbon Street! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Where am I going to sleep? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What're you talking about? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I can't sleep in there! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course you can. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I can't! (screams) I can't! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> That's it! You're grounded! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (incredulous) You can't ground me, I'm a grown man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You wanna live here? You respect the rules of our house. (yells) You're <b> </b><b> </b> grounded! <b> </b> (Winona's apartment) <b> </b> Jerry sits on the couch. Winona enters with their jackets. <b> </b><b> WINONA </b> So, where are we gonna go eat? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought we'd eat at the Gentle Harvest. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WINONA </b> Ooh, I love that place, but it's usually so crowded. Can we get a table? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, don't worry. I made reser... (catches himself) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WINONA </b> You made what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I uh, I uh, I arranged for the appropriate accommodation. And then, Knick <b> </b> tickets, floor seats. <b> </b><b> WINONA </b> How did you get these? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Got 'em on the street, from a scal... (catches himself again) A uh, one <b> </b><b> </b> of those guys. <b> </b><b> WINONA </b> What guys? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, the guys, that uh, they sell the tickets for the sold-out <b> </b> events. <b> </b><b> WINONA </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second, you got the Mark McEwan TV Guide. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WINONA </b> That's Al Roker. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh well, they're both chubby weathermen. I get Dom Deluise and Paul <b> </b> Prudhoe mixed up too. Could I have this? <b> </b><b> WINONA </b> Sure, take it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks. <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> Jerry enters with the TV Guide. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, Winona had the TV Guide. Told you I'd make it up to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aah, so Mr Costanza was pretty mad, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. You almost ruined his life's work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He collects (holds up magazine) these? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow! Alright, well I will personally go out to Queens and deliver his Al <b> </b><b> </b> Roker TV Guide to him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What'ya do with the one you took? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I dunno. <b> </b> (Ricky's apartment (?)) <b> </b> Ricky sits at a table, in a room which looks like that of a messy teenager. He's <b> </b> cutting away at the TV Guide with a pair of scissors. He's humming the theme to <b> </b> I Love Lucy to himself as he does so. <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah uh, Elaine uh, what'd he say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did who say? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Your boss. Didn't you tell him about the coffee table book? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uhmm... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, you didn't tell him didya? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, it is such a dumb idea. I would be (raising her voice as Kramer <b> </b> speaks his line) totally embarrassed to bring it... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (simultaneous) Wait a minute, on the cover I'm... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I would be embarrassed to bring it up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought it was a pretty good idea. It's about coffee tables, it's on a <b> </b><b> </b> coffee table. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, right, right, and on the cover is a built-in coaster. (clicks <b> </b> tongue) Alright, well I'm gonna go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where you going? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm gonna go to the cigar stores. I'm gonna see if I can sell that <b> </b> Indian. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My Indian? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, I think it's worth something. It's kitschy. (tongue click) <b> </b><b> </b> He leaves. <b> </b> (George's parents' house) <b> </b> George and Frank in front of the TV. Frank is still bothered by the TV Guide <b> </b> incident. George is slumped in the sofa, looking long-suffering. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> How do you just walk into a house and take a TV Guide? How does she <b> </b> expect you to watch TV? (doorbell rings) Am I just supposed to turn it on and <b> </b> wander aimlessly around the dial? <b> </b> Estelle answers the door. Opening it, she finds Ricky outside, holding what <b> </b> looks like a bouquet of flowers. <b> </b><b> RICKY </b> Hello. Is Elaine home? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Elaine Benes? Oh, she's my son's friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (shouting) And she's not welcome in this house! <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICKY </b> (entering) Oh, 'cos I made her this very special gift. 'Kay, it's a <b> </b> bouquet of paper from her TV Guide. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (yelling) That's my TV Guide! Ripped to shreds! She gave that to you?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RICKY </b> (seeing TV) Hey, is that the Twilight Zone you're watching? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> RICKY </b> Oh, this is a good one. <b> </b> (Subway train) <b> </b> Elaine riding the subway to Queens. <b> </b><b> TANNOY </b> Next stop, Queensboro Plaza. <b> </b> A thought occurs to Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mmm, gyro. <b> </b> She jumps up and goes to the door. She sizes up the woman next to her at the <b> </b> exit. When the doors open, she barges the woman aside and rushes out first. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> Jerry is pouring glasses of Perrier in the kitchen while Winona looks around. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WINONA </b> I like your place. It's very unassuming. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, why would I assume. I never assume. Leads to assumptions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WINONA </b> (laughs) Oh, by the way. That TV Guide I gave you, I need it back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> WINONA </b> Well, I'm doing a report on minorities in the media, and I wanted to use <b> </b><b> </b> that interview with Al Roker. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's too late. I gave it to Elaine, and she's already on her way to <b> </b> give it to George's father. <b> </b><b> WINONA </b> Jerry, I really need it back. It, it is mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't give something and then take it back. I mean, what are you... <b> </b> (catches himself) <b> </b><b> WINONA </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A uh, a person that uh... <b> </b><b> WINONA </b> A person that what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, a person that gives something and then they're dissatisfied and <b> </b><b> </b> they wish they had, had never uh... <b> </b><b> WINONA </b> And? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...give, given it to the person that they originally gave it to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WINONA </b> You mean like, an Indian giver?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that term. <b> </b><b> </b> (Subway train) <b> </b> Elaine is eating her gyro. As she does, unseen by her, juices from her sandwich <b> </b> are dripping onto the TV Guide in her bag. <b> </b> (George's parents' house) <b> </b> Frank and Ricky are going through Frank's TV Guide collection. The coffee table <b> </b> is covered in boxes of the magazine. <b> </b><b> RICKY </b> I like the special fall preview issues the best. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Those. I've been saving those from the beginning. <b> </b><b> </b> The doorbell rings. <b> </b><b> RICKY </b> These are worth like, a lot of money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Estelle opens the door, to find Elaine. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Oh, hello Elaine! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. (she enters) <b> </b><b> RICKY </b> (jumping to his feet) Elaine! Hello! You look scrumptious. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine looks nervous and surprised. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Why'd you take my TV Guide? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (placatory) I'm so sorry about that Mr Costanza, but look. Look, I <b> </b> brought you another one. (hands it over) <b> </b><b> RICKY </b> I made this for you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (accepts reluctantly) Oh, thank you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (examining magazine) What is this? You got stains all over it! What the <b> </b> hell'd you do? <b> </b><b> RICKY </b> Hey, you can't talk to her like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (yelling) I'll talk to her any way I want! <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICKY </b> Come on Elaine, let's go. <b> </b> As Ricky strides over to Elaine, he catches the coffee table with his leg. It <b> </b> tips up with the weight of the TV Guide collection and falls over with a crash. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> My coffee table! <b> </b> (Gus' Smoke Shop) <b> </b> Kramer is stands beside the Indian in the cigar store, trying to do a job of <b> </b> salesmanship. The guy behind the counter doesn't look impressed. In the <b> </b> background, Mr Lippman is browsing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't understand. How can you have a cigar store, without an Indian? <b> </b><b> </b> It's unseemly. <b> </b><b> SPIKE </b> I'll give you a box of Coronas for it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Forget it. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Uh, excuse me. Are you uh, selling this Indian? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, yeah. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Uh, I'm just uh, redecorating my office in a south-western motif and <b> </b> this'd be perfect. Give you five hundred dollars for it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Giddyup. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Yeah? Could you help me bring it up to my office, I'm right next door. <b> </b><b> </b> Pendant Publishing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Pendant Publishing? Giddyup again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Lippman's office) <b> </b> Kramer is sitting in a chair before the desk, smoking a cigar. Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr Lippman. I'm sorry, I was in Queens uh... (sees Kramer) Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, hi Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you doing in here with that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, well, it's a business transaction. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> (entering, smoking a cigar and with a handful of cash) Listen uh, petty <b> </b><b> </b> cash just had tens and twenties. (hands cash to Kramer) Go ahead, count it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I'm sure it's all here. (puts in in his pocket) You know I was <b> </b> just admiring your coffee table, out there in the hall. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> You like that, huh? I had that custom made for me in Santa Fe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You mind if I use it in my book? <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> What book? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm doing a coffee table book on coffee tables. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> About coffee tables? <b> </b> Elaine is pulling skeptical faces. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh huh. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> That's fantastic. (Elaine looks gobsmacked) Who's your publisher? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm still shopping it around. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Yeah? (to Elaine) You see, this is the kind of idea you should be <b> </b> coming in with. What the hell do you do round here all day anyway? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well I (indistinct) ...manuscript that <b> I... </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> (ignoring Elaine) God, that Indian really completes the room. Don't you <b> </b> think? <b> </b> Elaine looks sick. <b> </b> (Furniture refinishers) <b> </b> Estelle is showing the table to Sylvia. <b> </b><b> SYLVIA </b> I know this coffee table, it's George Costanza's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> It's mine. I'm his mother. <b> </b><b> SYLVIA </b> Oh, I haven't seen George for a while. He must be working very hard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> George doesn't work. He's a bum. That's why he lives at home with us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SYLVIA </b> He does? <b> </b> (Subway train) <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine sit together on the train. Elaine still looks unhappy. Jerry <b> </b> has a copy of the TV Guide. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know why we didn't think of this before. We just could call TV <b> </b><b> </b> Guide. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I dunno. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's gonna make Mr Costanza very happy. (he hands the magazine to <b> </b> Elaine) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I guess. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the matter? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What d'you think is the matter? I've been assigned to work on Kramer's <b> </b><b> </b> coffee table book. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It is a good idea, Elaine. <b> </b><b> TANNOY </b> Next stop, Queensboro Plaza. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You want a gyro? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't think so. <b> </b> Jerry jumps up and rushes out of the door, pushing his way past other commuters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> moments later) <b> </b> Elaine sits alone in her seat. Jerry tries to enter the carriage just as the <b> </b> doors close. They close on his arm, trapping it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine! <b> </b> A guy walking through the carriage picks the gyro out of Jerry's hand, just as <b> </b> Jerry pulls his arm free. He sits down opposite Elaine, preparing to eat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AL ROKER </b> Guess your boyfriend's gonna have to catch the next train. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's not my boyfriend. <b> </b><b> AL ROKER </b> He's not? Interesting. (gives a big grin) <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine gets a flicker of recognition. She lifts up the TV Guide and finds the <b> </b> guy opposite her is the same guy pictured on the cover, Al Roker. She looks up <b> </b> at the real guy again and he has the exact expression as the picture on the <b> </b> cover. <b> </b> (Nightclub) <b> </b> More Jerry standup. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was always excited as a kid, when that new TV Guide would come. Somehow <b> </b><b> </b> when that front cover's nice and flat, seems like there's good fresh TV shows <b> </b> in. Then, as the weeks go by you start to hate the TV Guide. All the shows <b> </b> stink. Everything's getting all crumpled and ripped from being sat on, thrown <b> </b> across the room. TV Guide is always thrown, never handed, to another person. <b> </b> It's the world's most thrown reading material. 'Where's TV Guide?' (mimes <b> </b> throwing) 'There it is.' You know in the back of the TV Guide, they have a phone <b> </b> number, ninety-five cents a minute, they will give you the answers to the TV <b> </b> Guide crossword puzzle? My question is, if you can't do the TV Guide crossword <b> </b> puzzle, where are you coming across ninety-five cents? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Cigar Store Indian Script

1993-12-16

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE CONVERSION </b> Written by Bruce Kirschbaum <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know doctor is supposed to be such a prestigious occupation. But <b> </b><b> </b> it's really like one of the only jobs where you have to have your diploma <b> </b><b> </b> right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn't it? "I <b> </b><b> </b> really am a doctor you know. You think I'm not, just check it out." I don't <b> </b><b> </b> know why they need these little bits of psychological leverage over us all the <b> </b><b> </b> time. "Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes, and I'll <b> </b><b> </b> give you my opinion." After that, anyone that comes in with pants on seems <b> </b><b> </b> like they know what they're talking about. In any difference of opinion, <b> </b><b> </b> pants always beats no-pants. <b> </b> (Commercial) <b> </b> At a restaurant. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can I say one word to you? Lobster. The lobster here is <b> </b><b> </b> unbelievable. (looks at the menu) Ooh, a little expensive. <b> </b><b> GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND </b> Twenty five dollars. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, well, you know, I'm not thinking about the price. You know <b> </b><b> </b> you're the only woman I've never thought about the price. Get the lobster. I <b> </b><b> </b> beg you to get the lobster. Go for the lobster. <b> </b><b> GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND </b> George, George, uh, I think we have to talk. I think we <b> </b><b> </b> have a problem. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND </b> We can't keep seeing each other. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND </b> (crying) Because it's over. *sob, sob, sob* It's my <b> </b><b> </b> parents, the differences in our religion. Oh George, can you ever forgive me? <b> </b><b> </b> *sob* <b> </b><b> WAITER </b> Uh, have you decided yet? <b> </b><b> GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND </b> (crying) Yes. I'll have the lobster. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Um, you know I'm starting to think that maybe lobster isn't the way <b> </b><b> </b> to go. <b> </b> The hallway outside Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then he asked you out? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We started to talk, and I told him that I jog, and then he put his <b> </b><b> </b> hand on my heart. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> On your heart? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, the man is a doctor. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Doctor? He's a podiatrist. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's the same thing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anyone can get into podiatry school. *George* got into podiatry <b> </b><b> </b> school. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND </b> Are you going to be stopping by later? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, I'll be stopping. See you later. (to Elaine) Well we can't all <b> </b><b> </b> be dating podiatrists. <b> </b> They enter Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's over. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did you get in? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lobster. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Looks like a swan. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She says we can't go out anymore. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because I'm not Latvian Orthodox. Her parents won't let her get <b> </b><b> </b> involved with anyone who isn't Latvian Orthodox. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Latvian Orthodox? Mmm, it is lobster. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox? Too bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. This was the only woman I never lied to. Well that's not <b> </b><b> </b> entirely true. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mmm, delicious. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mmm, succulent. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She knew I didn't have a job, she knew I lived at home. Didn't seem <b> </b><b> </b> to bother her. I think I could have married this woman. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why don't you just ask her parents? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't. I met them. They're devout. You know, In the cab on the <b> </b><b> </b> way over here, I actually thought about converting. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> To Latvian Orthodox? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? What do I care? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know it's not like changing toothpaste. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think it would be romantic. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying <b> </b><b> </b> Mrs. Simpson. Ooh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> King Edward. King Edward, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah well King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle <b> </b><b> </b> Costanza. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what? I could probably do this. What's the difference. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George I was just kidding around. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. I wouldn't even have to tell her. I could surprise her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George I wasn't serious. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How hard could it be? You make a little contribution, have a <b> </b><b> </b> ceremony. I am going to think about this. I am *really* going to think about <b> </b><b> </b> this. <b> </b> George leaves. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I guess this one is my fault. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah. <b> </b> At Jerry's girlfriend's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND </b> *kiss, kiss, kiss* Oh that was nice. Have you always <b> </b><b> </b> been such a good kisser? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh I don't know. Not always. No I uh I had to work at it. When I <b> </b><b> </b> was a kid all the kids would be out playing, I would be up in my room <b> </b><b> </b> practicing my kissing. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND </b> Well it was worth it. *kiss* I'll be *kiss* right *kiss* <b> </b><b> </b> back *kiss*. Where are you going? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> To wash my hands. They're sticky from the orange. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND </b> Meet you back here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right there. <b> </b> Jerry goes into the bathroom and washes his hands. <b> </b> He sees the medicine cabinet open slightly and peeks in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (thinking to himself) "Fungicide". Fungus? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At Monk's. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fungicide. I mean what could she have? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Fungus. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what did you say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I said I was coming down with the flu or something and I had to go <b> </b><b> </b> home. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What were you doing opening her medicine cabinet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't open it. It was open. I just nudged it a little. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You were snooping. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was not snooping. I did not break the seal. There was no breaking <b> </b><b> </b> and entering. I wouldn't do that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I would. I always open medicine cabinets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well I trust people not to do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Big mistake. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you ask that doctor what it is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Now he's a doctor? Before he was a podiatrist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But that's what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus. They're knee- <b> </b><b> </b> deep in fungus. This guy know fungus. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am not going to ask him about funguses. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Fungi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Fungi. <b> </b> In the priest's office. <b> </b> (boy, I am *really* bad with names on this episode... ;) ) <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> Why do you want to accept the Latvian Orthodox faith? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> *ahem* In this age of uncertainty and confusion, a man begins to ask <b> </b><b> </b> himself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into words something <b> </b><b> </b> so um... (trying to think of a word) <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> Enigmatic? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> Vast? (he pronounces it as "vost") <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No not vast (he pronounces it as "vost") <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> Well whatever it is, basically you like the religion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST 2 </b> Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly <b> </b><b> </b> attractive? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (he thinks) I think the hats. The hat convey that solemn religious <b> </b><b> </b> look you want in a faith. Very pious. <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> Are you familiar with Orthodox theology? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well perhaps, not to the extent that you are. But I know the basic <b> </b><b> </b> plot. Yeah. <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> Plot? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah. You know the uh flood, and the uh lepers, and the <b> </b><b> </b> commandments and all that. <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST 2 </b> Well it's obvious that you are sincere in your desire. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yes I am Father. Incredibly sincere. So, uh, pffft, am I in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> The first step would be to familiarize yourself with these <b> </b><b> </b> texts (brings out a pile of books). <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah hah. You see Father, I'm I'm incredibly anxious to become a <b> </b><b> </b> member. Um, don't you offer any kind of an express conversion? A quick <b> </b><b> </b> change? <b> </b> Sister Roberta enters. <b> </b><b> SISTER ROBERTA </b> Oh I'm sorry. Father, there's a man waiting in the chapel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> You may attend to it Sister, oh this is George Costanza. He <b> </b><b> </b> is interested in joining the church. <b> </b><b> SISTER ROBERTA </b> Oh are you? That's wonderful. Well good luck to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nice nun. <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> No, Sister Roberta is not a nun. She is what we call a <b> </b><b> </b> novice. <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST 2 </b> She won't be taking her final vows until next Thursday. <b> </b><b> </b> In the chapel. <b> </b><b> SISTER ROBERTA </b> May I help you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, I'm here to pick up my friend George Costanza. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SISTER ROBERTA </b> Well he's in with the Father. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> SISTER ROBERTA </b> I'm Sister Roberta. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. Kramer. Pleasure. <b> </b><b> SISTER ROBERTA </b> Mine. (she smiles at Kramer) <b> </b> At Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe how easy it is. I'm virtually Orthodox. All I have <b> </b><b> </b> to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I'm in the club. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's all there is to it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's all there is to it. By Christmas day I will be Brother <b> </b><b> </b> Costanza. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. He is flinging a slinky. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh a slinky. Where did you get it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sister Roberta gave it to me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why did she give you that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I think she liked me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean she liked you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> *Liked* me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, they like everybody. They're friendly people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. I think I picked up on a vibe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You picked up on a vibe, from a nun. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, Jerry I'm telling you I have this power. And I have no control <b> </b><b> </b> over it. <b> </b> Kramer leaves. <b> </b> Jerry's girlfriend appears at the doorway. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND </b> I just wanted to stop by and see how you were feeling. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (weakly) A little better. *fake cough* <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND </b> If you need anything let me know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. All right bye. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Story. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's subletting Carol's place for a month. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She likes you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah but there's a problem. I found a tube of a fungicide in her <b> </b><b> </b> medicine cabinet. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I don't know what she's using it for. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well how do you even know it's hers? Maybe it belonged to Carol. <b> </b><b> </b> Did you see a name on the tube? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't even think to look. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well take a look. It might not even belong to her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> People always leave old things in their medicine cabinet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah I've got this old bottle of cough medicine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I still have brill cream. <b> </b> At Jerry's girlfriend's apartment. <b> </b> Jerry knocks on the door <b> </b> *knock, knock, knock* <b> </b><b> JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. Can I use your bathroom? <b> </b> At the doctor's apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You sure you don't mind? <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> No of course not. People ask me medical questions all the <b> </b><b> </b> time. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well the question isn't even for me it's for a friend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Elaine, I'm used to it. I'm a doctor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well... podiatrist. <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no, I'm just saying you didn't really go to medical school, you <b> </b><b> </b> went to podiatry school. Which I'm sure is very grueling in it's own way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> I went to podiatry school because I like feet. I chose to work with <b> </b><b> </b> feet. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I like feet too. I'm just saying... <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Saying what? <b> </b> In Jerry's girlfriend's apartment. <b> </b> She knocks on the bathroom door. <b> </b> *knock, knock, knock* <b> </b><b> JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND </b> How are you doing in there? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fine all done, just looking for the soap. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is looking around for the bottle of fungicide. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND </b> No soap? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I don't see it. <b> </b> Jerry finds the bottle of fungicide and picks it up. Jerry's girlfriend <b> </b><b> </b> enters the bathroom with soap. Hastily, Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in <b> </b><b> </b> his pocket. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND </b> (giving Jerry the soap) Here you go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At George's parent's house. <b> </b> George is in the bathroom with his Latvian Orthodox books. <b> </b> *knock, knock, knock* <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> George what are you doing in there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? Nothing. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You've been in there an hour. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> You don't feel well? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm fine. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I want to know what you're doing in there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> George, open the door. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Georgie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No! <b> </b> At Kramer's apartment. <b> </b> Sister Roberta is knocking on the door. <b> </b> *knock, knock, knock* <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> SISTER ROBERTA </b> Good evening. I hope I'm not disturbing you, but I found <b> </b><b> </b> another toy I thought you might like. <b> </b> (Commercial) <b> </b> At Jerry's Apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, Latvius was the son of which apostle? And I'll need that in the <b> </b><b> </b> form of a question. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. I can't believe they're making me take this test. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, did you talk to the doctor? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, the next time you see him show him this. (He presents the <b> </b><b> </b> bottle of fungicide.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You *took* her medicine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not on purpose. I was hoping there would be a name on the tube. When <b> </b><b> </b> are you seeing him again? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. We got into this whole thing about how podiatrists <b> </b><b> </b> aren't real doctors. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could you say that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's you fault. You just got me thinking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was merely speaking extemporaneously. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've got nothing against the foot. I'm pro-foot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Me too. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you think I should call him and apologize? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. He's a doctor. <b> </b> Elaine starts to leave. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second. <b> </b> Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in Elaine's purse. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) What are you doing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What does it look like I'm doing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Reading words George wrote on his hand) "Matthew, Luke, Paul", what <b> </b><b> </b> you're cheating on your conversion chest? <b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I told you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I told you she liked me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sister Roberta. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you know? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She told me. She said she's never had a man stir up all of these <b> </b><b> </b> feelings inside of her. She's questioning her faith. She's thinking of <b> </b><b> </b> leaving the church. Oh, uh, this power. I'm dangerous Jerry, I'm very very <b> </b><b> </b> dangerous. <b> </b> At the priest's office. <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> I must say George, I was somewhat surprised at the results of <b> </b><b> </b> your conversion test. I don't recall having seen such an impressive <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> performance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the Lord. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I'm I'm full of it Father. <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST 2 </b> (muttering something to Father-Priest 1) ...(mumble)... Kramer <b> </b><b> </b> ...(mumble)... <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> Yes, yes I see. (To George) I'm sorry something has come up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I understand. <b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Um, you wanted to see me Father? <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> Yes. Please, sit down. Sister Roberta came to see me <b> </b><b> </b> yesterday. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I know what this is about Father. I didn't do anything. I just <b> </b><b> </b> spoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. It's just that, that I have <b> </b><b> </b> this power. <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> Yes. Kavorka. <b> </b> (I wouldn't mind having "Kavorka" myself ;) ) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Kavorka? <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> It is a Latvian word which means "the lure of the animal". <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't understand. <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> Women are drawn to you. They would give anything to be <b> </b><b> </b> possessed by you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Help me Father. Help me. <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> Yes, yes I will help you. Listen very carefully. I want you <b> </b><b> </b> to buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ounces... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The hallway by Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that stench? I got it. (He follows the smell to Kramer's <b> </b><b> </b> door) Ah hah. <b> </b> *knock, knock, knock* <b> </b> Kramer opens his door. He is wearing a ring of garlics around his neck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. What are you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I've got the Kavorka Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Kavorka? What's that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The lure of the animal. I'm dangerous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is this thing around your neck? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The priests they're helping me. I just bathed in vinegar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know you're funcifying the whole building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Keep away Jerry. Keep away. <b> </b> He closes his door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer. *knock, knock, knock* Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> +---------------------+ </b> <b> </b><b> | CONVERSION CEREMONY | </b> <b> </b><b> | FOR | </b> <b> </b><b> | GEORGE COSTANZA | </b> <b> </b><b> | 3 </b><b> P.M. | </b> <b> </b><b> | | </b> <b> </b><b> | | </b> <b> </b><b> | | </b> <b> </b><b> +---------------------+ </b> <b> </b> The sign is on a black background with white stick-on letters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> A woman reads the sign. <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> George Costanza? Estelle's son? <b> </b> At George's parent's house. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> For a woman. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> A woman? What are you out of your mind? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Why can't you do anything like a normal person? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No it's a regular religion. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I'm calling my lawyer. It might not be too late to get out of this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't want to get out of it. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> George, you don't know what you're saying. You're under their <b> </b><b> </b> control. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What, they brainwashed you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No no. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You're not performing any rituals in this house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Go back to the psychiatrist. I beg you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> And stay away from those squirrels. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At Jerry's girlfriend's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND </b> Oh how you doing Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good. What's the matter? <b> </b><b> JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND </b> I'm tired. I hardly slept last night with all this <b> </b><b> </b> scratching. Bonkers was going crazy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bonkers? <b> </b><b> JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND </b> My cat. He's got this weird sort of skin condition. <b> </b><b> </b> Some type of fungus, I couldn't find his medicine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh it's your cat! <b> </b><b> JERRY'S GIRLFRIEND </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ooh, nothing. <b> </b> At the church. <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> Are you ready my son? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes faddah. <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> What did you say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> I thought you said faddah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I said faddah, I meant Father. Just a little bit nervous. <b> </b><b> </b> Outside on a sidewalk. <b> </b> A woman is waiting for a cab. Kramer walks up to her. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How you doing? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Get away from me you creep. (She walks away.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, Yes. It worked. Sister Roberta I've still got time to catch <b> </b><b> </b> her. <b> </b> At the church. It is George's conversion ceremony. <b> </b> Church music plays. <b> </b> George is dressed in a white church gown. <b> </b> He walks down the church aisle carrying a candle. <b> </b> Father-priest says some Latvian words. <b> </b> Kramer is running down the street going to the church. <b> </b> The church music is still playing. <b> </b> George takes a drink of some wine. He spills some on his gown. He makes a <b> </b><b> </b> hand motion on his gown. <b> </b> Kramer is still running to the church. <b> </b> The church music is still playing. <b> </b><b> FATHER-PRIEST </b> Congratulations George. Welcome to the faith. Sister Roberta <b> </b><b> </b> would you please offer the final benediction. <b> </b><b> SISTER ROBERTA </b> (hesitates) I can't. (crowd murmurs) I'm sorry. It's a <b> </b><b> </b> beautiful religion, but I am not worthy of it. I found something else. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters the church. <b> </b><b> SISTER ROBERTA </b> Him. <b> </b><b> CROWD </b> Kavorka, Kavorka. <b> </b> At Elaine's apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> *kiss, kiss* Because I love the foot. I'm a big fan of the foot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Well it's my fault. I got a little defensive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And that pinkie toe, come on . How adorable is the pinkie toe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> It's my favorite toe. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Let's face it, you get a bunion, where are you going? You're not <b> </b><b> </b> going to the ear guy. <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> No you're not. <b> </b> *phone rings* <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll be right back. <b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> Oh uh, where's the bathroom? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's right down here to the left. I will meet you right back here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine it's her cat. Her cat had the fungus. So I need the tube <b> </b><b> </b> back. <b> </b> The doctor is in Elaine's bathroom. <b> </b> He peeks into the medicine cabinet and finds the tube of fungicide. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DOCTOR </b> (Thinking to himself) "Fungicide"? Fungus? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> At the church. <b> </b><b> SISTER ROBERTA </b> Something's wrong. I don't feel the same lure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You don't? <b> </b><b> SISTER ROBERTA </b> What have I...? I must return to the church. By the way you <b> </b><b> </b> really need to take a bath. You stink. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah yeah. <b> </b> (Commercial) <b> </b> At Monk's <b> </b><b> GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND </b> For me? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I didn't do it for my mother. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND </b> I'm really flattered. But I just don't feel ready to <b> </b><b> </b> make a commitment yet. Maybe when I get back from Latvia. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Latvia? <b> </b><b> GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND </b> Yes. I'm going to stay with some relatives there for a <b> </b><b> </b> year. Isn't it great? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Enjoy, enjoy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE'S GIRLFRIEND </b> Oh George, you are so sweet. Don't ever change. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'd like a doggie bag for this please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Conversion Script

1994-01-06

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE STALL </b> Written by Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b> (the bathroom) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> what a dope! <b> </b> uh..excuse me <b> </b> umm.. I'm sorry <b> </b> this is.. this is kind of embarrassing but.. there's no toilet paper over here <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> (from the stall on Elaine's right) <b> </b> are you talking to me? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> yeah.. I <b> </b> I just forgot to check <b> </b> so if you could just spare me some <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> no I'm sorry <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> what? <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> no I'm sorry, I can't spare it <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> you can't spare it?? <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> no there's not enough to spare <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> well I don't need much, just 3 squares will do it <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> I'm sorry I don't have a square to spare, now if you don't mind.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> 3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares?? <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> no I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> oh is it two-ply? cause it it's two-ply I'll take one ply, one ply, one, one <b> </b> puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply (flushing and leaving) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> no no, no no, don't don't, I beg you <b> </b> (the movie theater) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (eating pop corn) <b> </b> hmm I love this artificial flavoring <b> </b> I like it better than butter <b> </b> I think it's more consistent <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> what? <b> </b> (offering pop corn to Jane) <b> </b> (elsewhere in the same theater) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> <b> HEY </b> <b> TONY </b> <b> HEY </b> hey? where is my popcorn babe? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> what? <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> my popcorn, you were supposed to get me popcorn <b> </b> what? would you forget about me babe? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> JANE </b> I mean.. a person needs a certain amount of toilet paper to be covered.. <b> I </b><b> </b> simply could not spare it <b> </b> this woman just didn't get it, she kept harassing me <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> 3 squares!! that's all I was asking for! 3 squares! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> JANE </b> she wouldn't stop <b> </b> "help me! help me!" <b> </b> she was insane <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I was begging her <b> </b> "please! please!" <b> </b> she was insane <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> who do you think she is? how dare she? <b> </b> you want me to get the manager? too bad they don't have those old ladies <b> </b> walking around with flashlights anymore <b> </b> we'd flush her out <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> I don't know what she looks like <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I wonder where Elaine is sitting? I really wanted you to meet her <b> </b> she's supposed to be here tonight with her new boyfriend Tony <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> hmm where is Jerry sitting? he's supposed to be here tonight with his new <b> </b> girlfriend I'm dying to see what she looks like <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> hey? you think if I jumped off this balcony I'd get hurt? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apt.) <b> </b> (Jerry's at his computer) <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> <b> HEY </b> <b> JERRY </b> <b> HEY </b> <b> KRAMER </b> hey guy, can I use your phone in your bedroom? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> what's the matter with yours? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> huh.. my batteries are dead <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> hey it's not one of those 976 calls, is it? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> look come on, let me use it, 5 minutes, I'll pay you back huh? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> why do you do that? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> oh... (get in the bedroom) <b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I am never going back to the movies again <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> hey where were you last night? I looked for you, I didn't see you <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I looked for you too, I was all the way over on the side <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> oh with huh.. pretty boy.. Tony <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> <b> YEAH </b> <b> JERRY </b> hey hey (fooling around with his collar) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> yeah, all right ok <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Tony, hey hey (continues fooling) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> that's nice. Listen, listen to this <b> </b> I am in the bathroom, right before the movie starts <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> huh huh <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I'm in the stall and there's no toilet paper <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> no what? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> toilet paper <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> oh.. whoa.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> so I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some and she refuses! ho ho <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> well maybe she couldn't spare it <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> a square? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> well, you know, sometimes a square is everything <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> a ply? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Elaine, you cannot judge a person on a situation like that. I mean it's like <b> </b> asking for someone's canteen in the desert <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> <b> YEAH </b> <b> JERRY </b> it's battle conditions <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> yeah, well <b> </b> I just hope I run into her again ok, cause I will never forget that flinty <b> </b> voice, it is tattooed in my brain <b> </b> if I hear it, watch out <b> </b> So listen what happened with Jane last night? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> oh.. Jane she huh.. she huh.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> the 4 of us are going out Saturday right? hat should be fun <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> yeah that should be real fun <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> you know what, it's getting late, can I call Tony? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> <b> YEAH </b> (Elaine picks up the wireless phone and presses for the tone) <b> </b> <b> WOMAN'S VOICE ON THE PHONE </b> then we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat.. how's that Andre? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Andre? <b> </b> (Jerry approaches and listens to the phone with Elaine) <b> </b> KRAMER (on the phone) <b> </b> what about the driver? we could get an accident <b> </b> <b> WOMAN </b> so what? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> oh that wouldn't be very good <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (on the phone) <b> </b> hey Andre, get the hell off the phone! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> what is going on? what.. who is Andre? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Kramer's Andre, he's fooling around with these 976 numbers (Kramer walks out <b> </b> of the bedroom) hey I told you, I don't want you doing that on my phone <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone sex thing is hilarious, like this woman <b> </b> Erika, here look (showing the ad in the newspaper). You gotta call her, the <b> </b> voice she uses.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> hey you know it's weird because that voice sounded a little familiar to me <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> hey, you're hungry? Monk's? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> no I gotta go downtown <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> oh wait, you're giving me a lift home right? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> <b> YEAH </b> <b> ELAINE </b> so listen, what happened last night with Jane? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> nothing, she just.. choked on a jujube <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's car) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> you know I hate to tell you this, but it's time to defrost that freezer <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I know, I just can't bring myself to do it <b> </b> meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller (she smiles) <b> </b> (Elaine looks at her watch) <b> </b> oh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> hey you got a problem with Tony? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> hunky.. Tony.. hey hey hey (fools around with his collar again) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> ok Jerry, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> of course you would <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> oh yeah, oh.. like you're one to talk <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> <b> ELAINE </b> <b> ELAINE </b> what? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> it's different for a man <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> huh? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> we're expected to be superficial <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I'm not being superficial <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Elaine, he's a.. he's a male bimbo, he's a mimbo <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> he's not a mimbo, he's an exciting, charismatic man <b> </b> he just happened to have a perfect face <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> and that's why you're going out with him <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> no it is not <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> you know, I think George has a non sexual crush on him <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I think he does too <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I mean, every time I see him, it's Tony this, Tony that. George is like a <b> </b> school girl around him <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> (MONK'S) </b> <b> TONY </b> so I said huh.. "hey dude, you better step off" <b> </b> (Tony takes his cap and wears it backwards) <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> "step off"? <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> <b> YEAH </b> <b> GEORGE </b> you said "step off"? <b> </b> wow, that is too much <b> </b> hey..huh hey (George turns the cap his wearing backwards like Tony) <b> </b> Tony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm for us. Can you guess what it is? <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> <b> NO </b> <b> GEORGE </b> bowling! what do you see bowling? bowling's insane! bowling is crazy time <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> bowling? I don't think so George you get no rush from bowling <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> rush? you want a rush? drop a bowl on your toe my friend, talk about a rush, <b> </b> you'd be throbbing, you'd see visions <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> no no no no, I'm thinking.. rock-climbing <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> all right! rock-climbing! J..just the 2 of us? alright! hey I'll make some <b> </b> sandwiches, what what do you like? tuna? peanut butter? <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> what.. whatever <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> alright alright, I gotta buy some bread <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> yeah yeah, you know I'm definitely down for some rock-climbing <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> me too, I am down, I am totally down, mark me down <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> cool, so what do you say we climb a rock mañana? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> huh.. mañana? huh mañana might.. huh mañana might be a problem, I'm supposed <b> </b> to have huh a boil lanced mañana. Huh you know I think they charge me if I <b> </b> cancel with only one mañana's notice (Kramer enters) <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> hey Kramer <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> <b> HEY </b> <b> TONY </b> hey, hey Kramer my man, what are you doing mañana? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> mañana I'm doing nada <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> what do you say you scale some rock with me and George? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> huh Tony? there's not gonna be too many sandwiches <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> c'mon Kramer what do you say? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> huh Kramer it's huh.. gonna be pretty dangerous up there <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> I am down <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> yes.. alright buddy, take it easy Kramer <b> </b> you down to it George? what's wrong? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> I am down! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> (JERRY'S) </b> <b> ELAINE </b> rock climbing? hehe.. where do you come off going rock climbing.. rock <b> </b> climbing? you need a boost to climb into your bed (Elaine and Jerry laughs) <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> alright alright <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> yeah yeah what is it with you and Tony? what are you? it's like his sidekick <b> </b> now? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> yeah that's right. I like it. He's such a cool guy <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> cool guy? what are you, in 8th grade? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> he's the first cool guy I've ever been friends with in my whole life. You <b> </b> know.. it's a different world when you're with a cool guy, he's not afraid of <b> </b> anybody. You should hear the way he talks to waitresses.. he gets free pie! <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> <b> HEY </b> <b> EVERYBODY </b> <b> HEY </b> <b> GEORGE </b> hey nice move today <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> what? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> horning on my rock climbing trip. It's just supposed to be me and Tony <b> </b> KRAMER: he asked me <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> you put him on the spot <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> you know I think you're in love with him <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> what?.. that's ridiculous! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> no no no, I don't think so. You love him <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> you better be careful on those rocks tomorrow buddy. And you're not getting <b> </b> any sandwiches either <b> </b> (phone rings, Kramer answers) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> you're making sandwiches? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> <b> HELLO </b> <b> GEORGE </b> well I don't know if there's gonna be any place to eat up there <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> who? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Hey Elaine, does Tony like peanut butter? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> hates it <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> good thing I asked <b> </b> JERRY (to Kramer): who is it? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> well she says Jane <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> yeah, so? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> well that voice, it's very familiar.. throaty, almost flinty <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> did you say flinty? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> yeah yeah, (in a flinty voice) flinty <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (on the rocks) <b> </b> (Kramer and George are hanging on a rock) <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> <b> (SINGING) </b> yodel lay hee hoo! yodel lay hee hoo! <b> </b> hello! (Kramer jumps around George from one side to an other) <b> </b> <b> ECHO </b> <b> HELLO </b> <b> KRAMER </b> hey George, hear that? <b> </b> (George is terrified) <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> please please please, stop moving <b> </b> that's all I'm asking.. <b> </b> Kramer!! <b> </b> (George grabs Kramer's leg) <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> let go, hey grab the rock <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> what rock? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> the rock <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> uh oh.. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> you gotta relax.. try the yodel (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> <b> (SOBBING) </b> yodel lay hee hoo.. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> <b> (CHANTING) </b> yodel lay hee hoo <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> <b> (SOBBING) </b> yodel lay hee hoo.. <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> (voice from below) <b> </b> George! Kramer! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> yeah! <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> take the rope, thread it through the carabiner and knot it, and I'll climb up <b> </b> to where you are <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> alright.. George you got it? (gives him the rope) <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> <b> YEAH </b> <b> TONY </b> hey George, you got anything to eat dude? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> (taking it out of his jacket pocket) <b> </b> yeah I got some sandwiches.. I got tuna.. and salmon salad Tony because I know <b> </b> you don't like peanut butter <b> </b> (the ropes slides down) <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> what? <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> dude aah....... <b> </b> (George and Kramer look at each other) <b> </b> <b> GEORGE AND KRAMER </b> ahh.....!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> (JERRY'S) </b> (Jerry and Jane are eating) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> ..can I have your napkin? <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> what? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> you napkin I'm dripping <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> well where is your napkin? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I used it up <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> well I need mine <b> </b> (looks at her watch) <b> </b> oh god loot at the time, I gotta get to work <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> you know I'd like to hear about this job of yours <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> I told you already it's very boring <b> </b> you know I think I got a little too much garlic, can I have a piece of gum <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> you're fine (goes to the bathroom) <b> </b> (buzzer rings) <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> oh how does this thing work? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> just press it <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> it's Elaine <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> oh come on up <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> (coming out from the bathroom) <b> </b> who was it? <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> it's Elaine <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> oh..huh.. is she coming up? <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> <b> YEAH </b> <b> JERRY </b> huh.. uh.. you know your breath is a little garlicky you better take some gum. <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> <b> OK </b> <b> JERRY </b> Yeah have a couple of pieces, weak, weak gum yeah <b> </b> (Jane has her mouth full of gum and can't talk now) <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> <b> HMM </b> <b> JERRY </b> have some more, take a load <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> isn't it too much? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> trust me.. nah it's good <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> smell? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> yeah stinks, terrible <b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> hi Elaine <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> <b> HI </b> <b> JERRY </b> this is Jane Elaine <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> hi, nice to meet you finally <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> it's so nice to meet you (chewing) I look forward to Saturday night <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> yeah me too <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> ok so I'll see you Saturday night <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Saturday night (she leaves) <b> </b> (Jerry shuts the door) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> what is with the gum? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I know it's a big problem.. she puts like 4 pieces in her mouth, it's <b> </b> ridiculous, I don't think we're gonna be able to get together on Saturday <b> </b> <b> NIGHT </b> <b> ELAINE </b> because of the gum <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> well it's too much, it's embarrassing <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> why does she have to chew so many? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> she's one of those person, always have to be different <b> </b> (on the other side of the door) <b> </b> <b> (WHISPERING) </b> <b> GEORGE </b> she's there, I can hear her <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> alright, who's gonna tell her <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> huh you tell her <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> it was your fault <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> if you hadn't come, this whole thing wouldn't have happen <b> </b> (back on Jerry and Elaine's side, we can hear George saying "I was the one who <b> </b> was invited", Jerry opens the door) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> <b> WELL </b> <b> ELAINE </b> <b> HEY </b> <b> GEORGE AND KRAMER </b> <b> HEY </b> <b> GEORGE </b> what are you doing here? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> did you have fun <b> </b> <b> GEORGE AND KRAMER </b> <b> YEAH </b> <b> KRAMER </b> for a little while <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> where's Tony? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> oh.. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> huh.. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Kramer was supposed to tie a knot <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> whoa ginga, you were supposed to tie the knot <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> did something happened? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Tony.. took a bit of a tumble <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> his face, did something happen to his face? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> well it all depends on what you mean by.. happen <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> he..he's alive <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> <b> YEAH </b> <b> ELAINE </b> what happened to his face, tell me, what happened to his face <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> you see he slipped, and he landed on a kinda of a.. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> <b> ROCK </b> <b> GEORGE </b> yeah.. the ambulance got there very quickly <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> some big rock <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> we rode along all the way to the hospital <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> yeah I sang 99 bottles of beer on the wall <b> </b> (Elaine rushes out) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> well aside from that from that, how did he like the sandwiches? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> (TONY'S) </b> <b> ELAINE </b> so huh, what did the doctors say? <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> the said huh.. they said I'm coming along (Tony's face is covered by bandages) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> but what else did they say <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> well, they said huh Tony, try to keep it clean <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> yeah.. no I mean did they get into stuff like a.. long jagged scars or.. gross <b> </b> deformities, major skin grafts, stuff like that <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> I really don't remember, I was kinda out of it for the 1st couple of days, I <b> </b> was on a lot of medications, it was kinda like haze, it's pretty cool <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> huh (smiles) but huh, in this medicated haze, in this woozy state, um do u <b> </b> recall the words.. radical reconstructive surgery being uttered? <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> I don't know, I don't know <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> think Tony, think <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> I'm drawing a blank, babe <b> </b> (knock on door) <b> </b> (Elaine gets it, it's George) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> this isn't a very good time George <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> I just wanted to talk to Tony for a minute (hands Elaine some stuff) <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> step off George, I don't wanna see you <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> me? "step off" <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> yeah, Tony says you better step off George <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> but..why, it wasn't my fault, I .. you asked me a sandwich, I .. I make such <b> </b> delicious sandwiches Elaine <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> just beat it dude! <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> here here, Superman (hands a comic book to Elaine, who passes it to Tony) <b> </b> please, next time it will only be the 2 of us <b> </b> <b> TONY </b> there won't be any next time George <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> oh Tony don't <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> ok step off George, can u just step off? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> I I just.. but.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Bye bye (shuts the door) oh.. (opens it back) <b> </b> George wait wait <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> yes? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> can you throw this trash out (closes the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> (JERRY'S) </b> (Jane is giving Jerry a massage) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I've been waiting a while for this. <b> </b> You know it's a shame Tony got all banged up, we're not gonna be able to get <b> </b> together on Saturday night <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> that is too bad, what a shame <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> yeah, it's a damn shame, a damn shame! <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> well maybe he's feeling better <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> yeah without a doubt, I'm down <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> oh hey how're you doing? Jane this is my neighbor Kramer <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> <b> HEY </b> <b> JANE </b> hello Kramer (he acts all weird, a la Kramer) <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> well hello Jane <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> Jerry told me so much about you, I feel like I know you intimately <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> (very quickly) <b> </b> oh I don't think so, no we never met, I never talked to you before on the <b> </b> phone, alright I'll see you later buddy <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> wait, where are you going? where are you going? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> uptown, to the ? <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> oh I'm going uptown too, you wanna split a cab? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> what about the driver? <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> what are you talking about? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> alright I changed my mind, yeah I don't think I'm not gonna go now <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> well ok I'll see you later, nice meeting you <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> what's with you? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> that's her <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> who? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Erika, she's Erika <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> oh you think she's Erika, the phone sex woman <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, I'm telling you it's her <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> oh you're crazy <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> am I? or am I so sane that you just blew your mind? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> it's impossible <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> is it? or is it so possible your heard is spinning like a top? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> it can't be <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> can't it? or is your entire world just crashing down all around you? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> alright that's enough <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> yeaaaaah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> (MONK'S) </b> <b> ELAINE </b> he's supposed to get the bandages off on Sunday.. what if? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> what? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> you know (acts like a monster) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> oh you're afraid he might look like Zippy the pinhead <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> yeah I mean, I mean what is my obligation here, you know we were just dating, <b> </b> it was probably gonna be over in a couple of weeks anyway <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> oh I though you didn't care about his looks <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I lied <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> <b> AHA </b> <b> ELAINE </b> are you kidding, he's a mimbo I know that.. but he's my mimbo, you know even <b> </b> if he is a hideous freak maybe, maybe I can learn to love him, maybe in some <b> </b> final irony (Jerry is looking the other way), I'll learn what love really is. <b> </b> You know Jerry <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> oh I'm sorry I didn't get most of that.. isn't that Kramer over there? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> yeah, yeah <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> hey Kramer <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> what? hey (walks by Jerry and Elaine's table) it's all set <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> what's all set? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Erika is gonna meet me here, now we're gonna find out the truth <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> how's you get her to meet here? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> I don't know, we have a certain chemistry <b> </b> (Jane shows up and when she sees Jerry, she walks by their table, smiling) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> oh my god <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> hi I thought I'd find you here <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> hello.. Erika <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> Erika? what are you talking about? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> how can u say things like that over the phone? <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> what are you talking about? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> selling sexual pleasure over the phone? <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> I sell paper goods you jerk <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> paper goods? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> excuse me, do you have a tissue? <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> I'm sorry, I can't spare it, there's not enough to spare <b> </b> (Elaine realizes) <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> where's the ladies' room (Kramer points her) <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I have to go to the bathroom too (runs to be ahead of Jane) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (the bathroom) <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> oh damn <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> something.. wrong? <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> yeah there's no toilet paper out here, I usually check but would you mind? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I can't, I don't have it, I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a <b> </b> <b> SQUARE </b> <b> JANE </b> wait a minute, I know you <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> that's right honey, and I know you! <b> </b> (Elaine gets out and she has 2 rolls of toilet paper) <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> no, no, no!!! <b> </b> (she's out of the bathroom now, very satisfied, and walks towards Jerry and <b> </b> gives him the rolls) <b> </b> ELAINE: here, take it <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> (walks out of the bathroom, very furious) (to Jerry) <b> </b> don't call me anymore <b> </b> (Jerry doesn't say anything and waves his hands) <b> </b> (Jane walks by Kramer and turns back) <b> </b> <b> JANE </b> (to Kramer, in a very sensual voice) <b> </b> you either <b> </b> (sticks her tongue out) <b> </b> (Kramer and Jerry look at each other, with their mouth open) <b> </b><b> </b> <b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Stall Script

1994-02-03

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE DINNER PARTY </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> We never should have landed a man on the moon. It's a mistake. Now everything is compared to that one accomplishment. I can't believe they could land a man on the moon . . . and taste my coffee! I think we all would have been a lot happier if they hadn't landed a man on the moon. Then we'd go, They can't make a prescription bottle top that's easy to open? I'm not surprised they couldn't land a man on the moon. Things make perfect sense to me now. Neil Armstrong should have said, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for every, complaining, sob on the face of the earth. " <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, do you believe I got happy new year today? It's February. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I once got Happy new Year in July. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's pathetic. . . . hey, is it cold out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's really cold. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Scary cold. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. What's your definition of scary cold? <b> </b><b> </b> (George enters in Gore-Tex jacket) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh, What is that, ha? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When did you get that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This week. My father got a deal from a friend of his. It's Gore-Tex. You know about Gore-Tex? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You like saying Gore-Tex, don't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can't even turn around in that thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at this (start hitting George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey George, can you feel this? (they are hitting his jacket) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, all right. KNOCK IT OFF. Come on, let's go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe we should stop off on the way and get a bottle of wine or something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What for? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> These people invited us for dinner. We have to bring something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? <b> ELAINE </b> Because it's rude, otherwise. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You mean just going there because I'm invited, that's rude? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you're telling me instead of being happy to see me they're going to be upset because I didn't bring anything. You see what I'm saying? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The fabric of society is very complex George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can't bring Pepsi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because we're adults? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? Huh, no way wine is better than Pepsi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm telling you George, I don't think we want to walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi on the table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just don't like the ideas that every time there is a dinner invitation there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, let's go. Who's driving? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You are. I can't get that thing (George) in my car. <b> </b><b> </b> (In Kramer's car) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where's the heat in this car? Come on Elaine warm me up, oh! I'm cold. Give me a squeeze. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get off of me. Get off of ME! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're pretty comfortable up there eh. Bubble boy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yeah. You wish you had this coat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I was just thinking. The four of us can't show up with just one bottle of wine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, here we go. Why don't we get them a couch? Bring them a nice sectional. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We'll get some cake. Can you stop off at the bakery? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why don't you just get some Ring Dings at the liquor store? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ring Dings? <b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Ring Dings are better than anything you'll ever get at a bakery. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I like Ring Dings. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, we can't show up at someone's house with Ring Dings and Pepsi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> HEY YOUR LIGHTS ARE ON! </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a funeral procession. . . . And I got news for you. I show up with Ring Dings and Pepsi, I become the biggest hit at the party. People be coming up to me, "just between you and me I'm really excited about the Ring Dings and the Pepsi. Europeans with the Beaujolais and Chardonnay . . . <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, wait a minute. There's the bakery. Stop here. Stop here. Okay, let me out. You, whatever your name is... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, Jerry, come with me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, so we're going to get the wine and we'll pick you up here in ten minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The Royal Bakery) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ummm, I love the smell of bakeries. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie. I love the black and white. Two races of flavor living side by side (mumble?) It's a wonderful thing isn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm looking forward to it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. I think it will be a very smooth transition for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you. All right, look at all this stuff. What are we getting'? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> CHOCOLATE BOBKA! That's their specialty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Love that Bobka. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So listen Elaine, when we get up to the door, you , you hold the cake box. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, just standing there with a box, holding it by the little string. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You think it's effeminate? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a tad dainty. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, we forgot to pick a number. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You see that's not fair. We were here ahead of all these people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You think I should go ask her for hers? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, forget it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no it's not fair. Just because they have a ticket doesn't mean they were here first. We were here and we were ahead of them, and them, and her. Come on let's just go ask them. Come on. . . . Excuse me. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer's car) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wow, I'm not finding a spot here. What do you want to do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just double park <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll get a ticket! Besides,, what if somebody wants to get out of here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you kidding? People get spaces this good, they never give them up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's a fallacy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, I'll tell you what, why don't you go into the store and I'll wait in the car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why don't YOU go into the store and I'LL wait in the car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because, I've got the coat. I can sit in the car and not get cold. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So what I'm going to leave the car running and the heater'll be on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Does the heater even work in this car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, there's a spot right in front of the liquor store. You see <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I see. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You see, ho ho, <b> </b> (Royal Bakery) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But we were here ahead of you. <b> </b><b> BARBARA </b> How do I know that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well we saw you come in. <b> </b><b> YYY </b> Well, that's easy for you to say. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah, right, that's something I do all the time, right. I make up stories to get ahead in line at bakeries. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b><b> 46? </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wait, wait a second are, are you Barbara Benedict? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BARBARA </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my god. I, I know you. Um, I'm Elaine Benes, you remember we met at Linda van Grak's baby shower. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BARBARA </b> I'm on my way over there right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Me too. <b> </b><b> D </b> You're Jerry right? <b> JERRY </b> David! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well,, this is a little awkward, isn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BARBARA </b> Yes it is. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know we were here ahead of you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BARBARA </b> You're NOT getting my number. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh so you still don't believe us. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b><b> 47! </b> <b> </b><b> BARBARA </b> Us. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, oh, fine, go ahead. But listen let me tell you something as soon as I get there I'm going to tell everyone what a jerk you are. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BARBARA </b> Well, I'll be there ahead of you and I'LL be telling them what a jerk YOU are. . . . I'll have the chocolate Bobka. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> You're lucky Mrs. Benedict it's our last one. <b> </b><b> </b> (Liquor Store) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So alright, what are we getting? It's so hot in here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What do you say we get a Mouton Cadet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's robust, bold, very dry. As opposed to a Beaujolais which is richer and fruitier. Here's one. Twelve dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Twelve dollars? I knew we should have gone to the bakery. I guarantee you they aren't getting no twelve dollar cake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right but I am going to have to pay you back latter I don't have my wallet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> . . . Why not? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because I don't like to carry my wallet. My osteopath says it's bad for my spine. It throws my hips off kilter <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "throws your hips off kilter" So where's your money? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I never take it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what do you do? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I get by. <b> </b> (Royal Bakery) <b> </b><b> BARBARA </b> See you later (exits with the Bobka) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> /JERRY: See you later. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's the last Bobka. They got the last Bobka. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know. They're going in first with the last Bobka. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That was our Bobka. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can't beat a Bobka. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We should have had that Bobka. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They're going to be heroes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are we going to do now. If we can't get the Bobka the whole thing's useless. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well how about a carrot cake? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Carrot cake? Now why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into a cake. I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Black Forrest? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Black Forrest? Too scary. You're in the Forrest, oohh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How about a Napoleon? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless war monger. Might as well get Mengle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That wa sour Bobka. We had that Bobka! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's this one? <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> That's cinnamon Bobka. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Another Bobka? <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> There's chocolate and there's cinnamon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, we've got to get the cinnamon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with a lesser Bobka. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a back seat to no Bobka. People love cinnamon. It should be on tables at restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime anyone says, "Oh This is so good. What's in it?" The answer invariably comes back, Cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and again. Lesser Bobka - I think not. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b><b> 49? </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll have the cinnamon Bobka. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ... and a black and white cookie, for me. Peace! <b> </b><b> </b> (Liquor store) <b> </b><b> CLECK </b> That will be 13.05 <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right here you go. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> A hundred? I can't change that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can't - oh uh oh All right let's go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait a second. I can get change. <b> </b> (Out on the street) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, anybody got change for a hundred? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey What are you doing? You'll get us killed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Don't go shouting we got a hundred dollar bill. People will be jumping out of windows after us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay. Let's go but something. Then we'll get some change. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am not buying something just to get change. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George, there's a news stand right over there. Now come on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All rright let's get some gum or something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pack of gum, okay here you go. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> What I this a hundred? I can't change a hundred. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> You got to buy more than that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Here, get a newspaper. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A newspaper. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> That's not enough. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A Clark Bar. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Clark Bar. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Keep going. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There's 22 dollars here. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George, George, Get a Penthouse Forum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That will make great dinner party conversation. We'll read the letters at the dinner table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, that's nice. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, did you ever read one of these? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's not real. They're all made up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, it's real. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know there is an unusual number of people in this country having sex with AMPUTEES! . . . Penthouse forum, newspaper, gum, Clark Bar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b><b> 6.75. </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, great. With the wine I'm in over twenty dollars now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN1 </b> (gibberish Arabic yelling) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sorry, it's a new coat. It's Gore-Tex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You better be careful with that thing. You'll start a war. <b> </b><b> </b> (Royal Bakery) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uhm, The thing about eating the Black and White cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate And yet somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie all our problems would be solved. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Your views on race relations are fascinating. You really should do an op-ed piece for the Times. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Um, um, Look to the cookie Elaine. Look to the cookie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's a hair. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, take it back. Let's get another one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, we've already got this. I'll just take it off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, really, let's get another one. It will just take a second. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Excuse me. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Hey hey, I'm in line here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No noo no, we just bought this. . . . Um, you sold us a cake with a hair on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> You have to take a number. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We waited fifteen minutes for this. Oh. YOU SOLD ME A CAKE WITH A HAIR ON IT. Then you want me to wait? . . . What are you doing (to Jerry taking a number) are you going to wait here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm not going to eat a cake with a hair on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It was a little hair. I took it off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A little hair? Do you think that makes it better? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What if it's your hair? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What if it's your hair? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is wrong with my hair? Nothing. Nobody takes better care of their hair than me. You can serve dinner on my head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who needs misty herbal rain water crap they sell in the health food store. I use Prell, the hard stuff. A hundred proof - takes your roots out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, fine, we'll just wait until she calls the number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, why don't we just forget about the cake? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No I'm bringing cake! <b> </b> (Liquor store) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right we got the wine. Aren't we lucky? We got wine. Imagine if we didn't bring wine. We'd be shunned by society. Outcasts! WHERE'S YOUR WINE? GET OUT! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> "I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy but every word of this story is true..." (exits to street) " A weeks days ago my girlfriend happened to mention to me how attractive our new neighbor Linda was..." <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look at this? Somebody double parked and blocked us in. DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHOSE CAR THAT IS? Maybe there's a note on it. No, no note. Can you believe this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> "...well of course I noticed it too with those ample breasts and those pouty lips. I don't have to tell you she was a knock out...." <b> </b><b> </b> (still on street but much later) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I really can't comprehend how stupid people can be sometimes. Can you comprehend it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no I can't comprehend it? <b> GEORGE </b> I mean we can put a man on the moon but we're basically still very stupid. The guy who's car this is? He could be one of the guys who built the rocket. You see what I'm saying? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, he could build the rocket but he's still stupid for double-parking and blocking somebody in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you really understand my point about building a rocket and double-parking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, on one hand he's smart with rockets and on the other part he's dumb with parking. . . . It's cold out here huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe it's not even stupidity. Maybe it's just a blatant disregard for basic human decency. If this how dictator's start. Do you think Mussolini would circle the block six times looking for a spot? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How about Idi Amin? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ill tell you, if I was running for office I would ask for the death penalty for double-parking. If this is allowed to go on this is not a society. THIS IS <b> ANARCHY! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Are those shoes comfortable? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No not really. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> They look comfortable. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know that's why I bought them but they're not comfortable. <b> </b><b> </b> (Royal Bakery) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why couldn't we have just taken the hair off and go? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, out of the question. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because I had a bad experience with a hair when I was younger. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'd rather not talk about it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can't tell me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right . . . I once had a hair in my Farina and I freaked out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You found a hair in your Farina? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I started screaming, "There's a hair in my farina. There's a hair in my farina." Then I ran out of the house and I was running and running. I was little but I could run very fast. I just kept running and they found me like three hours later collapsed at a construction site. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow. Who's hair was it? <b> JERRY </b> My mother's. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b><b> 68! </b> <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's us. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You sold us a hair with a cake around it. I'd like another one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> (coughing and coughing) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, that's lovely. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just what you want to see, yeah. . . . You want to trade your hair for some phlegm <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Here you are. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, okay, we got the cake now. Where are George and Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b> (on street outside Liquor Store) <b> </b> (honking) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> HEY DOUBLE-PARKER. SOVIET SCUM. COME </b><b> ON OUT. IT'S FREEZING! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We're really late now. We're in big trouble. Big trouble. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, Elaine. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What about her? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> . . . I'm a little scared of her. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're scared of Elaine? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you ever see her lose her temper. I was once late because I bought a Panama hat she grabbed it by the brim, pulled it down so hard my head came right through the top of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let's go inside the liquor store. It's freezing in here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why didn't you wear a heavier coat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because I wanted to look good for the party. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey that's great! That's very nice. We've been waiting twenty minutes for you people? What do you think? You're Mussolini? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN2 </b> Back off puff ball it's not my car! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I wasn't talking to you. <b> </b> (Royal Bakery) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wait until I get my hands on that George. I'm going to pull that big hood over his little head, tie the string and suffocate him. You remember that Panama hat? That was nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, wa? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's the matter with you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, I don't feel so good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's wrong? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The black and white? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Not getting along? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think I got David Duke and Fahrikan down there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well if we can't look to the cookie where can we look? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I feel like I'm going to throw up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, what about your vomit streak? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, I haven't thrown up since June 29th, 1980. <b> </b><b> </b> (Man with cane puts cane on Elaine's foot) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, oh! <b> </b><b> MAN3 </b> Sooory. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sorry? You almost took my toe off. Why don't you watch what you're doing you, LUNATIC!... uh, I think he broke my toe. (Jerry gets up) Where're you going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fourteen years down the drain. <b> </b> (Liquor Store) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do chickens have individual personalities? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (shivering) I don't care. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If you had five chickens could you tell them apart by just the way they acted? Or would they all just be walking around? Cluck, puk cluck? Because if they have individual personalities I don't think we should be eating them. What's the matter with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Can I help you guys with anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We bought the wine here before, but now we're blocked in by some car that's double parked and we're just waiting for the guy to pull out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Well wait outside. This isn't a hangout. But my friend here has hypothermia. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I've got hypothermia. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> All right guys, take it outside. <b> </b> (George turns and breaks wine bottles) <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> You're paying for these. <b> </b> (Royal bakery) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How was it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> As good as it gets. <b> </b> (Outside Liquor Store) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know that coat was Gore-Tex. It was worth a hell of a lot more than that cheap Chardonnay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm freezing. Definitely freezing. I can't stop shaking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm cold too. At least you've got a coat. Let's get in the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, my god that's Saddam Hussein. <b> </b><b> MAN4 </b> Don't walk around without a coat in this weather; you'll catch your death of cold. So long. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Can I get you anything else? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no thanks. <b> </b><b> CLERK </b> How about a nice box of "scram". <b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Somebody double parked, we couldn't help it. It might have been Saddam Hussein, we're not really sure. He had a British accent though. What, what happened to you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Somebody put a cane on my foot. Just like the one I'm going to put up your <b> .... </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, what happened to your coat? And what's the smell, what are you drunk? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I had to give it to the liquor store guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What for? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I spilled some Chardonnay. So what did you get? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Cinnamon Bobka. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Cinnamon? Why didn't you get chocolate? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George! <b> </b> (In the car) <b> </b> (silence) <b> </b> (Apartment #7) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Here, here's your cake. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And your wine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See ya'. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See ya'. <b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> JERRY </b> I heard a weather man say that 75% of your body heat is actually lost through the top of the top of the head. Which sounds like you could go skiing naked if you got a good hat. But there's no hat that makes a statement quite like a hat with a flap. The hat with the flaps makes a statement like no other hat makes. This hat says to the world "I would rather have the heat in my skull rather than anything society could possibly offer." In fact I would say if you're on trial for a serious crime and you lawyer recommends the insanity defense, this is the hat to wear. Your lawyer should insist on it. [puts on the hat] Your honor, "The defense rests." <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Dinner Party Script

1994-02-10

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE MARINE BIOLOGIST </b> Written by Ron Hauge &amp; Charlie Rubin <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment, Jerry is at the table and Elaine is on the phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to the phone) Well did he bring it up in the meeting? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry picks up a yellow shirt and walks to Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, see this T-shirts, six years I've had this T-shirts, it's my <b> </b><b> </b> best one, I call him...Golden Boy <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm on the phone here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Golden Boy is always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry, here <b> </b><b> </b> touch Golden Boy! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No thanks. (to the phone)Yeah, Yeah I'll hold. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But see look at the collar, see it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly <b> </b><b> </b> dying. Each wash is brings him one step closer, that's what makes <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the T-shirts such a tragic figure. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some <b> </b><b> </b> Woolight? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No!!! The reason he's iron man is because he goes out there and plays <b> </b><b> </b> every game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> from him, you break his spirit! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine is suddenly excited) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to the phone)Yeah. Oh! What? He is! Oh! this is so fantastic! I'm <b> </b><b> </b> so excited! Yes I'm excited, OK I'll be in soon! OK, OK, I'm <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> coming, yeah, yeah I'm coming, I'm coming! (Elaine jumps up and <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> dances around) Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The guy in the gulag! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah! Pendant's publishing his new book, and I'm working on it! <b> </b><b> </b> Lippman and I are going to the airport to pick him up Thursday in a <b> </b><b> </b> limousine! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You wanna barrow Golden Boy! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! Don't you know what this means, it's like working with Tolstoy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey ya know what I read the most unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the <b> </b><b> </b> other day, did you know the original title for "War and Peace" was <b> </b><b> </b> "War--What Is It Good For?"! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ha ha. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no.. I'm not kidding Elaine it's true, his mistress didn't like <b> </b><b> </b> the title and insisted him change it to "War and Peace"! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But it's a line from that song! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's were they got it from! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not joking! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George enters with a handful of mail) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can't handle the truth!(he solutes) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm working on my Jack Nicholson, You can't handle the truth!(he <b> </b><b> </b> solutes) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What, is this your mail? (She takes the mail and starts flipping <b> </b><b> </b> through) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I grabbed it on my way, I don't want my mother reading it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! Your Alumni Magazine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your mother reads your mail? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean like post-cards? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, anything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She doesn't open? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She'll open! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You've caught your mother opening envelopes! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did she say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was curious! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Isn't that against the law? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe I can get her locked up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (She looks closer at the mag.) Hey Jerry, you're in the Alumni <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Letterman" and the "Tonight Show" and he did a pilot for NBC called <b> </b><b> </b> "Jerry"...that was not picked up. Georgie, why isn't there anything <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> about you in here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He can't handle the truth! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right.. this is too fun I gotta get back to work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine leaves and in the hall she meets up with Kramer, he is holding a set <b> </b><b> </b> of golf clubs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, maybe you could use this (he searches through his jacket) Ah, <b> </b><b> </b> here, ah, it's an electronic organizer, ah, here it is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine Gasps) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah you know, for phone numbers, addresses, keep appointments, <b> </b><b> </b> everything <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's got an alarm that beeps! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! I can't believe this, Kramer! I've been wanting to get one of <b> </b><b> </b> these things! Are you sure...(Kramer drops a piece of paper and <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> bends over to pick it up and drops balls everywhere) Are you sure you <b> </b><b> </b> can't use one of these things?? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh no. I got all my appointments up here. (he points to his head) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where'd you get this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The bank, I opened a new account. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Back inside Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you see that whale thing on TV last night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm such a Huge whale fan. These marine biologists were showing how <b> </b><b> </b> they communicate with each other with these squeaks and squeals, what <b> </b><b> </b> a fish! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a mammal. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whatever. (George looks to the table) Hey new tape recorder? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, got it from the bank. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters without his golf bag) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (over excited) Hey <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (still over excited) Who wants to have some fun! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I do. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I do. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (once again, over excited) Are you just sayin' you want to have fun <b> </b><b> </b> or do you really want to have fun?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I really wanna have some fun. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm just sayin' I wanna have some fun. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Right now there six-hundred Titleists that I got at the driving <b> </b><b> </b> range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rock-a-Way <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and hit them-----------(very over excited) into the ocean! Now <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> picture this....we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, we take <b> </b><b> </b> out our drivers, we tea up and (he makes a golf stroke), that ball <b> </b><b> </b> goes sailing up into the sky holds there for a moment and then....... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ..... gulp! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on. Ya wanna go get some lunch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, let me just stop by the cash machine and I'll meet you at the <b> </b><b> </b> coffee shop. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I'm gonna go get a paper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer gets ready to make another swing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Keep your head down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At the automatic teller machine Jerry is getting his money and there is a <b> </b><b> </b> woman beside him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Cash advance...yes (he looks over) no (he looks over again)balance <b> </b><b> </b> inquiry...no (he looks again) receipt....no (he looks again) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> processing...processing...processing.(He opens the box and gets his <b> </b><b> </b> money and then looks at the woman and says)I won! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry starts to walk away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DIANE </b> Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah <b> </b><b> DIANE </b> Diane, Diane DeConn, from college. I've seen you on TV you're doin' <b> </b><b> </b> great. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah pluggin' along. <b> </b><b> DIANE </b> I got the Alumni magazine. Ya know what ever happened to your friend <b> </b><b> </b> George? I never see him in there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well he's kind of modest. <b> </b><b> DIANE </b> He was always such a goof-off. I mean did he ever get anywhere? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> DIANE </b> Yeah? What field? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Marine biology. <b> </b><b> DIANE </b> George is a marine biologist?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A pretty damn good one, too! <b> </b><b> DIANE </b> I can't believe it I mean I would never had thought.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah...he specializing in whales. He's working on lowering the <b> </b><b> </b> cholesterol level in whales...all that blubber-- quite unhealthy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> You know its the largest mammal on earth but as George says "they <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> don't have to be." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (In the coffee shop Jerry and George are sitting) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Diane DeConn? You saw Diane DeConn! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Something huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah! How'd she look. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She looked great. She asked about you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She did! What did she say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "How's George?" <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> George! She said George? She remembered my name. Diane DeConn <b> </b><b> </b> remembered my name. She was the "it" girl! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah she asked for your number, I think she's gonna get in touch with <b> </b><b> </b> you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> OK, I'm tellin' you right now if your kiddin' around I'm not gonna <b> </b><b> </b> be able to be friends with you anymore. I'm serious about that. You <b> </b><b> </b> got that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got no problem with that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good. Cause if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your <b> </b><b> </b> idea of some cute little game...we're finished! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Expect a call. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh my god he's not kidding. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now I should tell you at this point she's under the impression the <b> </b><b> </b> you are a..... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A marine biologist. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A marine biologist....why am I a marine biologist? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I may have mentioned it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But I'm not a marine biologist! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm aware of that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't think it's a good job. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't think it was a job. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. It's a fascinating field! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What if she calls. What will I say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (In George's parent's house...George is sitting in a chair. He is talking to <b> </b><b> </b> Diane on the phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Algae, obviously plankton, I don't know what else I can tell you, Oh <b> </b><b> </b> I just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands, I was living <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> with the turtles. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (In the limo Elaine, Lippman, and Testikov are talkin') <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> We have got you in a very nice hotel, I don't know how you like to <b> </b><b> </b> work but I can arrange for an office if you want. <b> </b><b> TESTIKOV </b> I will work in hotel...much better. I will work away from all the <b> </b><b> </b> penny bickering and interference. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> You know Tolstoy use to write in the village square. The faces <b> </b><b> </b> inspired him. <b> </b><b> TESTIKOV </b> He didn't need any inspiration....God spoke through his pen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That is so true! Although one wonders if "War and Peace" would has <b> </b><b> </b> been as highly acclaimed as it was if it was published under it's <b> </b><b> </b> original name "War---What Is It Good For?" <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes. Mr. Lippman. It was his mistress who insisted he called it <b> </b><b> </b> "War and Peace." "War--What Is It Good For."(sang) Absolutely <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> nothin'! (spoken to Testikov)that's the song that they got from <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Tolstoy. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> I'm sorry, it's just her sense of humor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's organizer starts beeping) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TESTIKOV </b> What is that noise! <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> What is that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's coming from my purse. It must be my new organizer, here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Elaine...here! <b> </b><b> TESTIKOV </b> Turn it off. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> It's the top one! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm trying! <b> </b><b> TESTIKOV </b><b> HERE! </b> <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (He throws it out the window of the limo) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (On the beach Kramer is getting ready to hit a ball. He swings and misses. <b> </b><b> </b> He looks for it in the air and the notes that it is still on the <b> </b><b> </b> ground. Then he goes nuts) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I did it for you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, but what did you have to tell her that for. You put me in a <b> </b><b> </b> very difficult position, Marine Biologist! I'm very uncomfortable <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> with this whole thing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know with all do respect I would think it's right up your alley. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well it's not up my alley! It's one thing if I make it up. I know <b> </b><b> </b> what I'm doin, I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos Islands <b> </b><b> </b> livin' with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the <b> </b><b> </b> squeaking and the squealing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why couldn't you have made me an architect? You know I always <b> </b><b> </b> wanted to pretend that I was an architect. Well I'm supposed to see <b> </b><b> </b> her tomorrow, I'm gonna tell her what's goin on. Maybe she likes <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> me for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer bangs into the room with his golf clubs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey ya want these (He throws down the golf clubs) I don't want em! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I stink! I can't play! The ball is just sitting there, Jerry, and <b> </b><b> </b> I can't hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what happened? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I have no concentration! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer starts to scratch his body and rip his coat off) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, what, what's wrong with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sand, I can get rid of the sand. (Looking down his shirt) Look there <b> </b><b> </b> is still some in here, it won't go away! Look I even got sand in the <b> </b><b> </b> pockets! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (He empties his pocket and tons of sand falls out) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey you're getting it all over the floor! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Karma falls over as the phone rings) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to the phone)Hello....yeah....yes it is....really....oh. Can you <b> </b><b> </b> hold on a second? (to George and Kramer) Hey listen to this, some <b> </b><b> </b> woman found an electronic organizer, my name was in it, she wants me <b> </b><b> </b> to help track down the owner. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How'd she find it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It hit her in the head! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Woman on the phone and Jerry are sitting in the coffee shop) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CORINNE </b> So I am walkin' along, minding my own business when all off the <b> </b><b> </b> sudden this thing come flying out off no were and cunks me right on <b> </b><b> </b> the head. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya. <b> </b><b> CORINNE </b> Yeah, So they took me to the hospital and they put me in this thing <b> </b><b> </b> that fells like a coffin for forty-five minutes. Have you ever been <b> </b><b> </b> in one of those things? You could go berserk in there! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you have insurance... <b> </b><b> CORINNE </b> I wish! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Unbelievable! <b> </b><b> CORINNE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Organizer beeps) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is with this thing. <b> </b><b> CORINNE </b> I don't know, it never shuts up. So anyway, you can see why I <b> </b><b> </b> would be interested in finding this person. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Absolutely. You should not have to pay for that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Organizer beeps again) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CORINNE </b> (shouting at the top of her lungs)Stop it! Stop it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me have a look at this thing. <b> </b><b> CORINNE </b> Yeah know somebody told me they thought they saw it coming out of <b> </b><b> </b> a limousine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Typical rich people, using the world for their personal garbage can. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CORINNE </b> Boy am I lucky your name came up. I just pushed a button. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I would like to know what my name is doin in this creep's organizer <b> </b><b> </b> to begin with. <b> </b><b> CORINNE </b> Ya. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who do I even know that would have been in a limousine yesterday <b> </b><b> </b> anyway. OHHHH! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (In the hallway Elaine knocks on Kramer's door, he answers) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, "great" organizer that you gave me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer is still itching cause the sand) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you like it huh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It wouldn't stop beeping in the car so Testikov through it out the <b> </b><b> </b> window. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I transferred everything in there. I threw out my old book. I'm <b> </b><b> </b> lost now, Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (He goes crazy again) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What, what is it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The sand, it's everywhere! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> OK I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer closes the door and Jerry walks up to his door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, there you are! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There you are! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what do you have to say for yourself? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what do you have to say for yourself? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry unlocks the door and they both walk in and close the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why should I have anything for say for myself? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> "War-- What is it go for?"! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ha Ha, who told you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ha ha ha. Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You told Testikov that Tolstoy wanted to name his book "War-- What <b> </b><b> </b> Is IT Good For?"? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ya know what happened? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can I take a guess? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Please. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh I don't know, he threw your organizer out the window? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine pushes Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What, how did you know that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because I know who has it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What, how did you find it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because the woman who got hit in the head with it found my name in <b> </b><b> </b> it, called me up, and we met! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well where is it, give it to me! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't have it! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why not. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because she's not returning it until she gets the money back for the <b> </b><b> </b> hospital bill. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But I didn't do Testikov did it, he should have to pay for it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How much is Testikov getting from Pendman for this book? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> One million. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well that's a start. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Diane are walking on the beach) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Then of course with evolution the octopus lost the nostrils and took <b> </b><b> </b> on the more familiar look that we know today. But if you look <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> really closely you can still see a bump where the nose use to be. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DIANE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, but enough about fish I can talk about other things like... <b> </b><b> </b> architecture... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At the hotel that Testikov is staying at) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know what room Testikov's in? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ya, 308. I'm crazy for doing this! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you want to get your organizer back don't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why are you so interested, you want to take her out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know when Super Man saves someone no one asks if he's trying to <b> </b><b> </b> hit on her! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well you're not Super Man. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you're not Louis Lane. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. Listen, you have the tape-recorder. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya, are you sure you want to do this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ya I got to get Testikov on tape. If this woman ends up in the <b> </b><b> </b> "New England Journal Of Medicine" I'm not going to pay for it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, here she comes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Corinne enters through the hotel door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, Elaine, this is Corinne. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, you got the organizer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The organizer starts to beep as Corinne opens her coat to show the organizer in her inside coat pocket) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right lets go. We'll meet you back here in ten minutes hopefully <b> </b><b> </b> with the money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At the beach George and Diane are still walking) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DIANE </b> Your parents must be so proud of you, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, they're busting! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (there is a large crowd of men and women) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DIANE </b> What are those people doing over there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (In Testikov's hotel room there is a knock and he goes to answer it. He <b> </b><b> </b> opens it up and it is Jerry and Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TESTIKOV </b> (In a loud and cranky voice) What, What is it! Oh! Come in. That <b> </b><b> </b> is if you can spare a minute from your busy schedule! And you bring <b> </b><b> </b> guest for my entertainment? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, yes this is my friend Jerry. He accompanied me, ya know, single <b> </b><b> </b> woman alone in a big city could be dangerous. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. That's why I where these sneakers, in case of any trouble and <b> </b><b> </b> zip, I'm gone. <b> </b><b> TESTIKOV </b> Yeah, Yeah. The sneakers. The Americans and their sneakers. <b> </b><b> </b> Always running from something. Well, sit stop running, two minutes <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and I'll give you the latest manuscript! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (They both sit down and Jerry picks out a very large book from the coffee <b> </b><b> </b> table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! Ramscy(?), great great book if I my say so sir. I almost read the <b> </b><b> </b> whole thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Corinne is standing in the hotel lobby smoking while the organizer is still <b> </b><b> </b> beeping) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CORINNE </b> What! <b> </b><b> HOTEL CLERK </b> If you can't thing off I'm going to have to ask you to leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CORINNE </b> I'm waitin for two people! <b> </b><b> HOTEL CLERK </b> Well you can wait for them outside. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CORINNE </b> Yeah I guess I'd better. Wouldn't want to take any attention away <b> </b><b> </b> from the hookers! <b> </b><b> HOTEL CLERK </b> All right, All right. Out, Out. <b> </b><b> CORINNE </b> What ever you say Cro..w-well! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (On the beach George and Diane are standing with the crowd) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DIANE </b> What's going on over here? <b> </b><b> WOMAN AT BEACH </b> There is a beached whale, she's dying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Is anyone here a marine biologist? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (In Testikov's room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TESTIKOV </b> Here is the latest draft. I see you next week. Same time, same <b> </b><b> </b> place. On time please. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was nice meeting you, real pleasure! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, by the way Mr. Testikov do you remember the other day when we <b> </b><b> </b> were in the limo and my organizer started beeping and you threw it <b> </b><b> </b> out the window? <b> </b><b> TESTIKOV </b> How could I forget? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well would you believe that it hit actually somebody in the head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right in the head! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Boing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The tape-recorder in Elaine's purse starts to squeak) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TESTIKOV </b> (Shouting)What is that noise! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um ,nothing. <b> </b><b> TESTIKOV </b> What is the noise! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (He grabs the purse) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey that's my purse! <b> </b> (He pulls out the recorder) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TESTIKOV </b> A recorder! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No that's a radio.. <b> </b><b> TESTIKOV </b> You were spying on me! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No I wasn't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (He throws the recorder out of the hotel window) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Corinne is standing outside of the hotel and looks up to see the <b> </b><b> </b> tape-recorder falling to hit her in the head) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer is standing at his window knocking his boot on the windowsill trying <b> </b><b> </b> to get the sand out but he drops it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Newman is walking down the street whistling but he stops and looks up and he <b> </b><b> </b> yells as the boat hits him in the head) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At the beach everyone is yelling at George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CROWD </b> Come on! Save the whale! Hurry up it's gonna die! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DIANE </b> Save the whale George... for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (He turns and throws his hat down. He walks into the ocean) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (At the coffee shop Jerry and Kramer are awaiting the story) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I <b> </b><b> </b> was terrified! But I pressed on and as I made my way passed the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine <b> </b><b> </b> intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> at that moment I was a marine biologist! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters and sits down) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George I was just reading this thing in the papers, it's amazing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know I was just telling them the story. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on George, finish the story. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to <b> </b><b> </b> return soup at a deli! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry gives Kramer a "what the h-" glance) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got about fifty-feet out and then suddenly the great beast <b> </b><b> </b> appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a <b> </b><b> </b> foot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "Easy big fella!" And then as I watched him struggling I realized <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I could see directly into the eye of the great fish! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mammal. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whatever. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, what did you do next? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Then from out of nowhere a huge title wave lifted, tossed like a cork and I found myself on top of him face to face with the blow-hole. I could barely see from all of the waves crashing down on top of me but I knew something was there so I reached my hand and pulled out the obstruction! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George pulls out of the inside pocket a golf ball) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and George just stare at Kramer) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What is that a Titleist? A hole in one eh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well the crowd most have gone wild! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yes they did Jerry they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1. <b> </b><b> </b> Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me. We <b> </b><b> </b> both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> beautiful. It was at that moment I decided to tell her I was not a <b> </b><b> </b> marine biologist! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow! What'd she say? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She told me to "Go to hell!" and I took the bus home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right lets go. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you in a bad mood? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I just got my laundry back. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohhh! GoldenBoy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He didn't make it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is GoldenBoy's son, BabyBlue. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's with you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sand. It's everywhere <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Marine Biologist Script

1994-02-17

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE PIE </b> Written by Tom Gammill &amp; Max Pross <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's coffee shop, evening) <b> </b> (Jerry and his date, Audrey, are sitting at a booth having dinner) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Hum! That was really good! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Are you full? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Oh no, I've had just enough. <b> </b> (Waitress brings dessert) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here we go... apple pie! Best apple pie in the city. (Jerry starts eating) Delicious. I'm not waiting for you. Take some. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> No thanks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not gonna have any? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> No (with a disgusted face) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you not like apple pie? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> No, it's not that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, at least taste it. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> No (a resolute "no") <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You won't even taste it? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on, try it! (Audrey shakes her head doing "no") A little taste! (still shaking) Come on! (still shaking) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's appartment, the next day) <b> </b> (Jerry and George) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did she say why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. She wouldn't say anything. She just kept shaking her head like this (Imitating Audrey) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe she's diabetic. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. She carries Entemanns doughnuts in her purse. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe you said something that offended her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The only thing I can think of is I told her we should have those moving walkways all over the city. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Like at the airport? (getting excited) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's a great idea!!! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tell me about it! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We could be zipping all over the place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They could at least try it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They never try anything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the harm? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No harm! <b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (still talking to George) I'm sorry. There's no reason for her not to taste that pie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who wouldn't taste a pie? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Audrey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Dump her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, I never broke up with anyone for not tasting pie??? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (piffling) I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You did? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He could be eating a Hero, he wouldn't offer me anything. It's a sickness. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I can't walk anywhere now. I just gonna be wishing there were walkways. (seeing Elaine removing her shoe) What are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I got a pebble. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, I never heard of that happening to a woman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What the hell does that mean? <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! Elaine. Go Like this. (imitating a mannequin posture) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do it. Do it. This. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Like... (doing it) Like this? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah! It's you! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's me? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to the gang) There's a clothing store downtown. They got a mannequin in there that looks exactly like Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get out! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's uncanny! It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, and screwed you back all together, and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, what's the name of the store with the mannequin? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Rinitze. (he takes Jerry's spatula and starts rubbing his back with it) Oh yeah... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Kramer) Uh... may I help you? (wondering what the hell's Kramer doing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's this itch. I was watching TV without my shirt on, and one my couch cushion didn't have any fabric on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute, Rinitze? Don't they have somme really cool suits in there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Real Boss! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm going down there. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm gonna go with you. I gotta get a new suit. I got a second interview with MacKenzie, and I think I'm really close. They're all taking me out to lunch on Friday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (grabbing George by the arm, hurried to leave) Let's go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. All right. (They both leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (leaving too, with the spatula) Are you gonna need this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Keep it. (implied: please) <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Rinitze) <b> </b> (George and Elaine stares at the mannequin) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It looks exactly like me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's like some pod landed from another planet and took your body. Don't fall asleep Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's going on here? How do you think this happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whoa, look at this. This is a beautiful suit. Huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You think that could be a coincidence George? Is that possible? <b> </b><b> </b> (the saleswoman approaches George as he's trying the suit) <b> </b><b> SALESWOMAN </b> (european accent) You are perfect for that suit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think so? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to the saleswoman) Excuse me. Where did this come from? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESWOMAN </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You really think this looks O.K. on me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESWOMAN </b> Fabulous. Perfect fit. And it's the last one we have. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm sorry. You can't tell me where the mannequin came from? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESWOMAN </b> I told you, I don't know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (irritated, but still polite) Well, is there somebody around here I could talk to who would know? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESWOMAN </b> Why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Isn't it obvious? This mannequin looks exactly like me. <b> </b><b> </b> (saleswoman rolls her eyes at George about Elaine) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (upset) Did you just roll your eyes at him? Because let me tell you something, if anobody should be rolling their eyes, it is me at him about you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESWOMAN </b> I think maybe you're flattering yourself. That mannquein is wearing a 1200$ Gaultier dress. <b> </b><b> </b> (George is looking at himself in the mirror and doesn't care about their dispute) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you saying, that I'm not good enough for this hideous dress? (looking at her name tag) Listen Natasha... I wouldn't be caught dead wearing your crummy little euro-trash rags. (to George) I'll meet you outside. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine leaves and waits outside) <b> </b><b> SALESWOMAN </b> What is her problem? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pfft! What can you do? (looking at a tag on the suit) Is this the price tag? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESWOMAN </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, hello. Party's over. (taking off the suit) <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESWOMAN </b> I'll tell you a little secret. We're having an unadvertised sale starting Friday, that suit will be half-price. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you think you can put the suit aside and hold it for me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESWOMAN </b> Oh, I'm afraid I could't do that. It wouldn't be fair to the other customers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yes, of course, and we have to be fair. (placing the suit further away in the rack) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (Jerry, Elaine and Kramer at a booth) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, I found out who supplies the mannequins and I called 'em up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How did they get your face? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. They wouldn't tell me. (Jerry is not listening, he's looking at two women sitting in the other booth) Jerry? Je... Hello? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Jerry gets up and walk to these persons) Uh... Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice you offered her a piece of your pie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN 1 </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And you waved it away. <b> </b><b> WOMAN 2 </b> Right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you give her a reason? <b> </b><b> WOMAN 2 </b> Yes, I was full. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You were full. So you gave a reason. You didn't just shake your head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN 2 </b> No, I'm not a psycho. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Exactly. You're not a psycho. You've been very helpful. Thank you very much. Allow me to leave the tip. (sits back with Elaine and Kramer) Well, I think we proven who the psycho is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We certainly have. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Elaine scratch my back. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No way! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on, one lap around. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It will be a funky adventure. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, forget it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, how about you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think you know my policy. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm going home to spatula. (picks up the check and walks to the cashier) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I thought George was meeting us here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No he's going downtown to guard the suit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's guarding a suit? <b> </b><b> OLIVE </b> (to Kramer) Do you need some help with that itch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Madam, I pray you're not toying with me. (Olive shows her long finger nails) Whoa. <b> </b><b> </b><b> OLIVE </b> Turn around. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, all right. (Olive scratches, Kramer enjoys, Elaine and Jerry watch.) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Rinitze) <b> </b><b> SALESWOMAN </b> (makes a guy trying the suit. His name is not mentionned but it seems to be Bob as it appears in the credits at the end of the episode.) It fits you perfectly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> You think so? (she nods and walks away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (outside, looking the guy trying the suit through the window, and thinking out loud) What's this? Can't I leave this place for a second? (goes in, take off his jacket, walks to the guy and talks to him with an european accent) Can I help you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> I'm buying the suit. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, no, this suit is not for sale. (tries to take off the suit from the guy) <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Excuse me, do you work here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (leaving the european accent) No. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> Then what the hell business is it of yours? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look, I'm doing you a favor. They're having an unadvertised sale. This suit is gonna be half-priced starting ... Monday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Really? This Monday? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. Now take off those pants. <b> </b><b> SALESWOMAN </b> Actually, the unadvertised sale starts on Friday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Friday? Thanks. (Gives a dirty look at George and leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to the saleswoman) You know honey for an unadvertised sale, you're doing a lot of yapping about it. <b> </b><b> </b> (she starts undressing mannequin Elaine, and George acts like he's really seeing Elaine naked) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Poppie's restaurant) <b> </b> (Jerry and Audrey are sitting at a table, and Jerry looks at the menu) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't beleive your father owns this place. So how are the desserts here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Everything is delicious. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You've tasted them? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Um-hmm, I think almost all of them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh I see they have apple pie. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Mmm-hmm. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You've had the apple pie? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Many times. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Audrey, I got to be honest with you. I'm a very curious guy. It's my nature. I need to know things. Not tasting the apple pie the other day, I can't get past it. You obviously like pies. You carry doughnuts in your bag, you're not averse to pastry. Surely you could see how such a thing would prey on my mind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Can we drop this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (like a frustrated child) Why can't I know? <b> </b><b> </b> (Poppie comes to the table) <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Ah! Poppie. <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Sweetheart, hello. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Poppie, this is Jerry. <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Welcome (shakes Jerry's hand) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello Poppie. <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Don't fill up on the bread. I'm making you a very special dinner. Very special. (he leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The pies. I'm going to the bathroom. You know. (he leaves) <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Poppie in the bathroom. Jerry washes his hands while Poppie flushes and gets out of the stall) <b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Ah, Jerry! Tonight you in for a real treat. I'm personnaly going to prepare the dinner for you and my Audrey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (He zips up and leaves whitout washing his hands. Jerry notices it) <b> </b><b> </b> (back at the table with Audrey, Jerry can see Poppie in the kitchen with his hands in the dough, making dinner) <b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Jerry are you OK? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Is anything wrong? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, Nothing. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> You look like you've seen a ghost. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry can't talk and he's staring at Poppie's hands. Poppie smiles and winks at him) <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> OLIVE </b> (to another cashier) I'll see you tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters with flowers) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. These are for you Olive. <b> </b><b> OLIVE </b> Thank you. <b> </b> (They leave and she starts scratching Kramer's back) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ohh! <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Poppie's) <b> </b> (Poppie serves dinner) <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Here it is. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Wait till you taste this. (she eats) Poppie, this is perfect. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> (to Jerry) Well? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Jerry have some. <b> </b> (Jerry shakes his head doing "no") <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> You're not gonna taste it? <b> </b> (still shaking) <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Jerry. <b> </b> (still shaking) <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's appartment) <b> </b> (Jerry and George eat cereals sitting on the couch) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So she tought I did it to get back at her <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why didn't you just tell her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think that's the kind of thing you wanna hear about your father. But I'll tell you when he came out of that bathroom and he was kneading that dough, it was a wild scene. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How could he not have washed? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Even if you're not gonna soap up, at least pretend for my benefit. Turn the water on, do something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, just like I do. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know a chef who doesn't wash is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help, he wants to get caught. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I think Poppie's got some problems. There's a whole other thing going on with Poppie. So how did you leave ti? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We haven't spoken. <b> </b> (Kramer enters holding the spatula) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm not gonna need this anymore. I got Olive. (Jerry throws out the spatula) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Olive? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. My lady friend down at Monks. You guys ought to see the way she works her nails across my back. Ohh! She's a maestro. The crisscross. The figure eight, strummin' the ol' banjo, and this wild, savage free-for-all where anything can happen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got to get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Is that Elaine mannequin still there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. The last time I saw her, she was naked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, and Poppie's got problems... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Rinitze) <b> </b> (The saleswoman unlock the door's entrance where Bob is waiting. He rushes inside and George enters after him slowly and confident. Bob can't find the suit on the rack. George walks to a different rack.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Where is it? Where is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (George takes out the suit from the other rack) Well, look at this. (innocently) This doesn't belong here! Someone has made a terrible mistake. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> You bastard! You hid the suit. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hid? I have no idea how this suit got misplaced. Nevertheless, I do believe I shall purchase it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> I hope you rot in that suit. I'm gonna get you for this. I don't know how, but I'm gonna get you. You are going to pay! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I'll pay. Half-price. Arrivederci my fellow 40-short. <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Monks) <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine at a booth) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So I made a little list of people who might've made the mannequin. You know, possible suspects. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, all right. Go ahead. (not very interested) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There's this blind guy at a party I was at, and he felt my face for a really long time. You know, to see what I looked like. He almost put his finger up my nose. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hum... ok, what else you got? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> OK, I'm not gonna tell you the rest of the list. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, because I didn't think the blind guy did it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because you have an attitude. <b> </b> (George enters wearing his new suit, parading and snapping his fingers) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY AND ELAINE </b> Oh! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Georgio! Nice duds! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're telling me. (he walks around and the suit makes a swooshing sound) So, what do you think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you hear something? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, like a swoosh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It must be the fabric. It's rubbing between you thighs when you walk. That's what's making that swooshy sound. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George walks back and forth to verify and it swooshes again) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I probably didn't hear it on the way over because of the street noise. (he panics) This is no good! I got to meet these guys from MacKenzie for lunch in half an hour! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what? What would they care? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This MacKenzie, he's a bit of a nut. Someone told me he fired the last guy because his nose whistled when he breathed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you think you're not gonna get the job because your pants make a noise? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let's say it comes down to me and one other guy. He's got a nice quiet suit, and I'm whooshing all over the place! Who do you think he's gonna hire? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I think all these interviews are making you nuts. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer comes back from the bathroom) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey Jerry, I saw your girlfriend was in here before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Audrey? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yep. Sat down, had herself a piece of pie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Was it apple? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What else? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel! <b> </b><b> </b> (a stranger stops and looks at Elaine) <b> </b><b> STRANGER </b> Do I know you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hmm... No you don't. <b> </b><b> STRANGER </b> Yeah! You were wearing a G-string and one of those bras with points. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The mannequin! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I got to see this thing. <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Rinitze) <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine enter and see the mannequin getting spanked by another mannequin) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, the resemblance is uncanny. <b> </b> (Elaine goes to the saleswoman) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You think you can pose me however you want? That's my ass in your window! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESWOMAN </b> It's our store and our mannequin, we can do whatever we want with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! You take down that mannequin right now, or I'm pressing charges. (Jerry goes along) Yes, this is my attorney. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESWOMAN </b> (to Jerry) Yeah? What law am I breaking? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I believe there's some legal precedent - Winchell vs. Mahoney, <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh-huh <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Charlie Macarthy hearings. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh-huh. Are you taking this down? <b> </b><b> SALESWOMAN </b> I'm getting the manager. (she leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry get the car. (she's getting the mannequin) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just get the car! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, as your legal counsel I must advise against this. <b> </b><b> </b> (They get out with the mannequin) <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Jerry's car) <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine are sitting in the car with the mannequin between them. Jerry looks at the two Elaines beside him.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know about you, but I'm getting a hankering for some doublemint gum. I'm dropping you off at work, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where are you going? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Poppie's <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (a restaurant) <b> </b> (George with MacKenzie and two other businessmen are walking to a table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MACKENZIE </b> Thanks for meeting me down here George. My office is out of control, (George's pants are making noise) phones ringing, people running in and out. (MacKenzie stops talking and walking, George too) Did you hear something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I didn't hear anything. <b> </b><b> MACKENZIE </b> Huh, that's strange. (they start walking again) It's quieter here. We can concentrate without people wooshing around... (he stops again, George too) That sound again. Sure you didn't hear anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, can't say as I did. <b> </b><b> MACKENZIE </b> Kind of like a... rustling. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Could be the leaves... <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Poppie's) <b> </b> (Audrey talks to a client on the phone) <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> That's right. Poppie's on 77th. Ok we'll see you at 8:00. Bye-bye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So how was the pie? <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> What pie? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The apple pie you had today at Monks <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> I'm very busy here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pretty good, wasn'it? I told you you should've tasted it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> You better not let Poppie see you here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (a man in a coat, a Health Inspector, comes to Audrey) <b> </b><b> HEALTH INSPECTOR </b> All right, I'm looking for someone named Poppie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> Uh, who are you? <b> </b><b> HEALTH INSPECTOR </b> Board of health, we've had several complaints. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, about the... uh (Jerry pretend to wash his hands) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HEALTH INSPECTOR </b> Are you Poppie? <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> I'm Poppie. <b> </b><b> HEALTH INSPECTOR </b> I think you'd better come with me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> What's the problem? <b> </b> (Poppie leaves with the Health Inspector) <b> </b><b> AUDREY </b> What do they want from Poppie? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, Poppie's a little sloppy. <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (at the restaurant with MacKenzie) <b> </b> (everybody's laughing at the table) <b> </b><b> MACKENZIE </b> You taught I'd care about your pants wooshing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I heard the last guy got fired because his nose whislted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MACKENZIE </b> No, no, no. He got fired because he wasn't a team player. That's something we don't joke about at MacKenzie. You'll find we're team here George. We don't tolerate dissent. If you want to go your own way, you're in the wrong place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No problem there. Conformity is an obsession with me. <b> </b><b> </b> (The waiter brings dessert) <b> </b><b> WAITER </b> Chocolate cream pie. Compliments of the house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MACKENZIE </b> Oh! Hope you saved room for dessert. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITER </b> (to George) The chef said that he made it special for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh... (George looks around and sees the chef hiding behind a plant: it's Bob!) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MACKENZIE </b> Mmm.. Best pie I've ever tasted. Take a bite George. (George shakes his head doing "no") Well, take a bite. It's delicious. (still shaking) I insist. (still shaking) <b> </b><b> </b><b> BUSINESSMAN </b> If you're one of us, you'll take a bite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (still shaking) <b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (evening, George, Jerry and Kramer at a booth, Olive at the cash) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you didn't get the job. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. But I was the only one at the table that didn't get violently ill. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, you can't keep avoiding her like this, you're gonna have to say something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What am I supposed to say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tell her you lost your itch. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What happened to your itch? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I lost it two days ago. I've been faking it so I wouldn't hurt her feelings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you should tell her. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll let her down easy. All right. (he gets up and walks to Olive) Well, hi Olive. (she reaches for Kramer's back) No, no. No more of that. There's something I have to tell you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> OLIVE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, well, there's someone else. <b> </b><b> OLIVE </b> Someone else? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah, yeah... <b> </b><b> OLIVE </b> Who is she? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Her. (he points to the Elaine mannequin in Jerry's car) <b> </b><b> </b><b> OLIVE </b> her? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, there she is. That's my gal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> OLIVE </b> You're a liar. I've seen her in here before. She's not your girlfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now Olive, look, I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> OLIVE </b> Why is she wearing her underwear? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's a style. (turns back to Jerry) Jerry give me the keys. (Jerry throws his keys to Kramer) Well, I guess we're gonna go for a drive now. She really loves that. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer gets into Jerry's car and starts making out with the mannequin while Olive is looking through the window. But it doesn't work quite as good as Kramer was hoping cause the mannequin's hand fall out from the arm!) <b> </b><b> </b> (Commercials cut the scene but we assume Kramer left with Jerry's car and the mannequin. Jerry and George are still at the table, eating dessert) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you ever solve the riddle of the pie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. That's one for the ages. But I think they're gonna put Poppie away for a long long time. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters and sit with Jerry and George. Olive is looking at her, confused.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You guys are not gonna believe this. I just got a letter from a friend of mine in Chicago who's shopping, and she said she saw a mannequin that looked just like me. What if there're more. Where are they coming from? <b> </b><b> </b> (scene ends) <b> </b> (The building where Ricky works. Ricky's the guy in "The Cigar Store Indian" who made a bouquet for Elaine from Frank's TV guide.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RICKY'S BOSS </b> Ricky, we've been getting a tremendous response to your TR-6 mannequin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RICKY </b> TR-6? I prefer to think of her as... Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Pie Script

1994-02-24

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE STAND-IN </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy Club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The bus is the single stupidest, fattest, slowest, most despised vehicle on the road. Isn't it? You ever notice when you get behind the bus, people in your car go 'what are you doing? get away, come on.' The back of the bus is like an eclipse isn't it? people are just like 'the sun, where's the sun?' It's like this huge metal ass taking up the whole wind shield of your car. When it pulls out it even sounds like a fat uncle trying to get out of a sofa. (acts like he is trying to get out of a car and makes the sound of a bus/guy starting to get going) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and George on a Bus) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's just not good, it's not good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm bored. She's boring, I'm boring, we're both boring. We got out to eat, we both read newspapers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well at breakfast everybody reads. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. Lunch we read, dinner we read. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You read during lunch? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, well. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There's nothing to talk about. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya, what's there to talk about. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you talk to her about how there's nothing to talk about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She knows there is nothing to talk about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> At least you'll be talking. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh shut up. <b> </b> (Al comes onto the bus) <b> </b><b> AL </b> Hey, look who's here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Al. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Al. How's it going? <b> </b><b> AL </b> (extremely happy) Deeply in love. We have soo many things to talk about. Sometimes we'll talk all night, till the sun comes up (pauses in his happiness; to George) so how about you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh I'm seeing someone, yes. You know her, Daphne Bower. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AL </b> Great girl. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We have no need to speak. We communicate with deep soulful looks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower. <b> </b><b> AL </b> (to Jerry) Oh did you hear about Fulton? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya. <b> </b><b> AL </b> I went by the hospital to see him a few days ago (looking at Jerry) think he'd really like you to come visit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Me? <b> </b><b> AL </b> Ya, he said he could use a good laugh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about me? <b> </b><b> AL </b> (to George) He didn't mention you. (Looks toward the front of the bus) This is my stop. Uh see ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya, see ya. <b> </b> (Al leaves) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Deeply in love. If you can't say anything bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say anything at all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (points to George) Ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry and George enter the apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't even know Fulton was in the hospital. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Could use a good laugh. You know what kind of pressure that is? Come on, come with me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Na no, I'm not good in these situations. I can't hide my pity. I..I make em feel worse. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, stop it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya and also I'm afraid that people in that state are finally going to tell me what they really think of me. You know they got nothing to lose what do they care? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're not gonna come? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No but say hello for me. <b> </b> (Kramer and Mickey enter) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! Hey Mick. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Hey Jerry. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's doing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing, what's doing with you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Same old, same old. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George this is Mickey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi, nice to meet you. <b> </b> (George and Mickey shake hands) <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Pleasure. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How's work going you guys? <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Lets not even talk about it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Kramer) You got a job? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ya, Mickey. He hooked me up. We're stand-ins for the actors on 'All My Children.' Mickey, he's a stand-in for an eight year old kid and I stand in for the kids father. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> (to Jerry then both Jerry and George) But I got a big problem. The kid I stand in for, he's growing. He was four feet last month, now he's like four-two and a half. He shot up two and a half inches. I can do four-two, four-three is a stretch, any higher than that and I'm gonna be out on my ass doing that paralegal crap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you stop a kid from growing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Mickey) I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> I offered him cigarettes, (to Jerry and George) but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Mickey) What about lifts? <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> (to Kramer) Out of the question. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Mickey) Can't you just switch with another Midget? <b> </b><b> </b> (Mickey grabs the counter with rage on his face, Jerry does a form of gulp) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> (turns and moves up to George, points his finger at him) It's little people, you got that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Easy Mickey, easy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yap.. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right we gotta get back to the show. What are you guys doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm going to the hospital, to visit Fulton. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (on his way to the door) Oh, oh well say hello for me. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer and Mickey leave Jerry's apartment and enter the hallway) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now look, we're going to stop at the shoe maker right now. You gotta get some lifts for your shoes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Lifts?! Look Kramer you don't understand, this kind of thing is just not done. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You wanna keep your job don't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Ya but.. <b> </b> (Kramer interrupts him) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> YAH! No Buts <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Kramer <b> </b> (Kramer interrupts again) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (with his hand in Mickey's face) YAAAAAH! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Fulton's Hospital Room) <b> </b> (Fulton lying in the Hospital Bed, Jerry Enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, woahoh Fulton. It's me. <b> </b><b> FULTON </b> Hey Jerry, good to see ya. I could really use a good laugh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who couldn't. <b> </b><b> FULTON </b> I haven't cracked a smile in months. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh don't worry, you'll crack. Cracking's inevitable, first you crack then you chuckle. That was the motto with the Russians at the Caesar Leningrad... first you crack then you chuckle. (Fulton looks at him not amused) You know because Leningrad when the Nazis attacked, it wasn't a very happy time... because of the war, famine, plus it was cold, very cold... they were eating each other. (Nervous under the pressure; Fulton not finding anything Jerry is saying funny) Maybe this isn't a good time for a visit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FULTON </b> It's a fine time. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, all right ah well... There's a priest, a minister and a rabbi, and they're all staring at him.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (George and Daphne sitting in a booth reading the paper) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (sets down his paper) So how were the eggs? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DAPHNE </b> Eggs are eggs. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Not amused with her answer) Eggs are eggs. That is very profound. (laughs; Daphne goes back to reading her paper) By the same token you could say fish is fish. Ha ha ha, I don't think so. (pauses) Listen Daphne <b> </b><b> </b><b> DAPHNE </b> (correcting George) Daphne. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Daphne. I have to tell you something, this is very difficult... <b> </b><b> </b><b> DAPHNE </b> (interrupts and hurriedly puts down her paper) Oh, I forgot to tell you. Al Netchie called me today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya, ya. I bumped into him on the bus. What did he have to say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DAPHNE </b> He told me not to get involved with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> DAPHNE </b> Ya, he said you could never make a commitment to any one and you'd just wind up (reaches out and lightly slaps George's hand) hurting me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He said that? (Daphne shacks her head) What a nerve. How dare he say something like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DAPHNE </b> Is it true? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course not. I mean sure, there may have been one or two occasions in the past, when I may have reacted in uh impulsive or somewhat immature manner, but those days are well behind me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (ABC Studios) <b> </b> (All My Children Set) <b> </b><b> SON </b> How long are you going to be away for Daddy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FATHER </b> I'm not really going away, I told you, I'll be back every other weekend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SON </b> Don't go Daddy, don't go. <b> </b><b> FATHER </b> Now Porter, you know your mother and I love you very much, but sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DIRECTOR </b> (walks into the scene) ...and there's your scene. Stand-ins <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yo <b> </b><b> STAGE HAND </b> All right you guys get on their spots so we can fix the lights. <b> </b><b> </b> (Mickey and Kramer walk onto the set and get into positions) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (taps the Father on the shoulder) That's good work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> (quickly with no acting) How long you going to be away for Daddy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (trying to act like the guy playing the Father) I'm not really going away, I told you I'd be back every other weekend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> (tugs on Kramer's coat) Don't go Daddy, don't...go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now listen Porter, you know your mother and I love you very much. But sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer and Mickey go to hug and Kramer's pipe hits Mickey in the face) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Ah! (pauses for the hug) all right (Kramer still holding on) all right! Kramer! (pushes Kramer off him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> DIRECTOR </b> Ok everybody that's lunch... one hour. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The director pauses and looks at Mickey as if something is different) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How do those lifts feel? <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Quiet. <b> </b><b> TAMMY </b> Hi guys. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Hey Tammy. <b> </b><b> TAMMY </b> Hey, you look different. Have you been working out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> (looks at Kramer) Not that I know of. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TAMMY </b> Well whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it you look great. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> How about lunch? <b> </b><b> TAMMY </b> OH I can't today, but um I see it our future. (starts to leave) See ya Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ya. <b> </b><b> TAMMY </b> Bye Mickey <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooo she likes you buddy (they to a high five hand shake) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER &amp; MICKEY </b> Ya! <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> All of a sudden. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> JOHNNY </b> Hey Mick. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> How you doin' Johnny? <b> </b><b> JOHNNY </b> What gives...what's going on? Goin' out with Tammy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Maybe. What's it to you? <b> </b><b> JOHNNY </b> Somethin' different about you. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> I got my hair cut that's all (turns to look at Kramer) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOHNNY </b> Nah, that's not it. Something else... Ya you look different. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer starts eating a sandwich) <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> You don't, you got the same ugly mug since the day I met ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOHNNY </b> I don't know what it is, but I'll find out. (walking away) I'll find out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer and Mickey look at each other, Mickey makes a pointing motion as if to reference the conversation with Johnny, Kramer shakes his head no.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Back to Jerry with Fulton) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ..so uh she's just sitting there and a uh Pachyderm, you remember the derm. He says uh, I'm gonna go up to her. So we uh he uh picks up the two pieces of (wipes his brow) pizza and uh the uh and then they're steaming hot and they're burning his hands see so he... he's juggling em (does juggling motions) he's jugglin em, jus throwing them up in the air and just as he gets up to her down they go. (Swallows and takes a breath) Well we all just lost it. (Fulton not laughing, stone faced) It was really, really, funny. <b> </b><b> </b> (Phil Enters) <b> </b><b> PHIL </b> Hey Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Phil how you doing? <b> </b><b> PHIL </b> You look terrific. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got my health. <b> </b><b> PHIL </b> Well, that's the most important thing. (to Fulton) Hey how ya doing Fulton! Octane, Butane, Nitrane! (Fulton looks at him still stone faced and not amused. To Jerry) How's he doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (wiping his brow) He could use a couple laughs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You should have told that story about Pachyderm dropping the pizza. <b> </b><b> </b> (Buzzer) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told it. (Answers the buzzer) Ya? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (on the speaker) Ya <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya. (hits the button, opens the door. To Elaine) Hey you know what as I was leaving I bumped into Phil Titola. He is one of the greatest guys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do I know him? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, but I'll tell you something. Of all the guys I know, I could envision you going out with him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> If you were a woman would you go out with him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If I was a woman I'd be down at the dock waiting for the fleet to come in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughs) Ya, I bet you would. all right, give him my number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> all right. <b> </b> (George Enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This you are not going to believe. Al Netchie, that pimple. Tells Daphne, not get this 'Not to get involved with me.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya. That's what she told me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because he's afraid she's gonna get hurt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is she? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wa.. He doesn't have to tell her. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe he likes her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh no no no. He's deeply in love, and I was just about to break up with her when she told me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what are you gonna do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I can't break up with her now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because he said I was going to. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So now you're going to keep going out with her, for spite? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, I am. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya, I could see that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't see any way around it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, me either. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What choice do I have? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> None. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (ABC Studio Locker Room) <b> </b> (Mickey walks in to discover his Locker is open and that his lifts where in there) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry and Kramer) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Fulton's wife told me it's all my fault. She said since my visit he's taken a turn for the worse. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Did you tell him the Pachyderm story? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (yelling) Yes I told him the Pachyderm story! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Maybe I outta go over there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Towards what end? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm very good with sick people. They love me. When my friend Len Nicodemo had the gout, I moved into his hospital room for three days, the doctors were amazed at his recovery. <b> </b><b> </b> (Knocking on the Door) <b> </b> (Jerry and Kramer walk over to it, Kramer opens it to reveal Mickey) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Mick. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> (to Kramer) Johnny Vigiano went through my locker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b><b> YAOH! </b> <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> (slamming the door) That little Bastard! He saw the lifts in my shoes. He knows I'm heightening. (to Kramer) This never would have happened if you hadn't pushed me to get those things. I told you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, nobody put a gun to your head. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Ya well just keep out of my business you big ape. (pushes Kramer) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Who you calling big ape? (pushes Mickey back) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> You (grabs Kramer) <b> </b> (Mickey and Kramer begin a struggle) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (starts pulling them apart) All right break it up, break it up. Come on, just cut it out now (Kramer yells) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (pacing back and forth) Ya. <b> </b> JERRY; Behave yourselves. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> I'm sorry Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No no it's all right, it's all right. You're stressed Oout! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Mickey) Why does this guy Johnny have it in for you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Oh, he's always been jealous of me. I always get to stand in for the bigger stars; The Cosby Kids, Ricky Schroder, Macaulay Culkin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (whistles) What's he like huh? <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> He's a good kid. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ya? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what does he care if you put lifts in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> You don't understand. There's an unwritten code about this kind of thing. I could be ostracized. I remember when I was a kid, some guy tried to heighten. He lost his job, lost his friends, Everything. Oh, I knew I was crazy to try this kind of thing, but I was so desperate. (pauses laying on the couch; jumps up) What is this kid taking anyway? Hormones? Steroids? Would you tell me!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's car outside Daphne's place) <b> </b><b> DAPHNE </b> George, tomorrow's Sunday. We could sleep late, and get the paper and half breakfast and spend the morning together, go for a long walk, maybe do a little shopping, have lunch... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (interrupts her) You know what. I don't think I'm going to be able to stay over tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DAPHNE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I, I really should go home. Ya.. actually I'm planning on spending the day with my father tomorrow (short laugh) we're uh we're going to a father-son picnic, just the two of us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DAPHNE </b> I thought we were going to spend the day together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well Dad's been planning this for such a long time, he bought a new blanket, and he got tha...that game with foam paddles and the Velcro ball. (laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DAPHNE </b> Have you given any more thought to what we talked about? You know, moving in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, oh yes very much. <b> </b><b> DAPHNE </b> Maybe you don't want to move in. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no I do. You know it's just... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DAPHNE </b> (interrupting him) Maybe Al Netchie was right, maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (angry that she believes Al was right) No he's not right. Al Netchie is not right! all right I'm canceling the father-son picnic. I don't know what he's gonna do with all that potato salad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine and Phil in Phil's car outside Elaine's Apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Phil cracking up) So then Pachyderm picks up the pieces of pizza, and mind you know they are burning hot.. he can barely hold 'em. I mean he's like trying to juggle (does a juggling motion and begins laughing) the pizza, you know ah. And then they go flying out of... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PHIL </b> (dying of laughter) I'm peeing in my pants. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (cont.) they go flying out of his hands, and one lands on her face and the other lands on his face. (pause as they both continue to laugh really hard) and the whole place went crazy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PHIL </b> Oh, I'm sorry, Oh. What a story. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know, I know, I was unbelievable <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (laughter dying) <b> </b><b> PHIL </b> Oh that is one of the funniest stories I've ever heard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (wipes her eyes because she laughed so hard she cried) I know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PHIL </b> Well this has been one hell of a night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I'm sorry Jerry didn't suggest this sooner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PHIL </b> You know, you really are beautiful Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, well, (pauses) Good night. <b> </b><b> PHIL </b> Good night? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well (leans in to kiss Phil, then looks down at his pants with a awkward look on her face) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry sitting on a stool on the phone) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (on phone) Come on Adrian give me another chance, I know I could cheer Fulton up. I'll tell you what, I'll do my act (pauses for response from Adrian) No new material (Elaine enters) He's never heard it. He'll love it, I just did it at the Concord last week. It killed. (waves hello to Elaine; pauses for response from Adrian) Thank you, thanks fo.. you will not regret this. Ok, Bye. (hangs up phone; to Elaine) Hey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on. How was your date? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, the date. The date. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya how was it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Interesting. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh ya. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why what happened? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Let's see, (thinking) how shall I put this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just put it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He took it out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (confused) He what? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He took (blows on her glasses twice to clean them) it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He took what out? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He took It, Out? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yessiree Bob. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He couldn't. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He did. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (motions of making out) Well you were involved in some sort of amorous... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Noooo. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mean he just <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh quite. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There was no mistaking it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (looks straight into his eyes) Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you were talking, (Elaine makes an agreement sound "mmm") you're having pleasant conversation, (Elaine makes an agreement sound "mmm") then all of sudden... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yea. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I, I can't believe this. I know Phil, he, he's a good friend of mine. We play softball together. How could this be? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh it be. (sarcastically) You got any other friends you want to set me up with? <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. (to Elaine) Hey how was your date with Phil Titola? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to Kramer) He took it out. <b> </b> (Shocked, Kramer acts like he just got a cold shiver down his back) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Maybe uh, it needed some air. You know sometimes they need air, they can't breathe in there. It's in human. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (Jerry and George sitting at the booth nearest to the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So she's just sitting there, she's having a pleasant conversation... and all of a sudden. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Out. (Jerry shakes his head in agreement) Wow. I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off. (Jerry nods; George looks at his watch) all right, Hey come on, get out of here, Daphne gonna be here any minute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right I'm going. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what I've come to realize? I'm not just bored. I genuinely dislike her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well how long you are going to keep this up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey I'll get married if I have to. Al Netchie will think twice before he opens his mouth about me again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know George they are doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days. I'd be happy to set-up a meet and greet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm very disappointed to here you talk like that. You still don't know what makes me tick. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes I do. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm going to the hospital to see Fulton. I'm not even saying hello, I'm going right into material. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Fulton's Hospital Room) <b> </b> (Phil and Jerry in the hall outside Fulton's Room) <b> </b><b> PHIL </b> Ah hey Jer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh hey Phil. <b> </b><b> PHIL </b> You know I'm sorry things didn't work out with Elaine. I don't know what I did wrong. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, y..you showed her who you are. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Phil turns to see a woman breast feeding her baby down the hallway) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PHIL </b> Oh, look at this, what she's got to breast feed in public. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya, that's the.. last thing you want to see. Well, next to last. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PHIL </b> I'll see ya. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya take it easy. <b> </b> (Phil leaves) <b> </b> (Jerry enters Fulton's Room) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (acting like he was walking on stage) Hey how ya doing? Good to be here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (ABC Studios set) <b> </b><b> KRAMER &amp; MICKEY </b> Rock, paper, scissors match. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> all right, rock beats paper. <b> </b> (Mickey smacks Kramer on the hand for losing) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought paper covered rock? <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Nah, rock flies right through paper. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What beats rock? <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> (looks at his hand) Nothing beats rock. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> all right come on. <b> </b><b> KRAMER &amp; MICKEY </b> Rock, paper, scissors match. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Rock. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Rock <b> </b><b> KRAMER &amp; MICKEY </b> Rock, paper, scissors match. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Rock. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Rock. <b> </b> (Bob walks by) <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Hey Bob. What's with you? You gotta problem? (to Kramer) You see that look he gave me? (starts to get up to go after him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (stops Mickey) all right, come on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER &amp; MICKEY </b> Rock, paper, scissors match. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Rock. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Rock. <b> </b> (Tammy walks up) <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Hey Tammy. <b> </b><b> TAMMY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> So Tammy, finally, today's our big lunch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TAMMY </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Why not? What the hell are you talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TAMMY </b> Look Mickey, everybody knows that you're heightening. It's all over the set. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Wait, wait (goes to grab her arm) <b> </b><b> TAMMY </b> (recoils) Don't touch me. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. All the progress we made over the years and you go and blow it by pulling a stupid stunt like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Wait a second, wait a second, you got me all wrong. It was all because of the kid. (numerous little people begin to crowd around them) (to Tammy) The kid was growing. He shot up two and a half inches in a month. (to all the little people) I woulda' lost my job. Any one of you would have done the same. You got no right! I'm Mickey Abbott! I stood in for Punky Brewster when all of you was nothing. (seeing the crowd still doesn't agree with what he did, he points at Kramer) It's all his fault. (Kramer acts like he doesn't know what Mickey is talking about) It was his idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TAMMY </b> Come on Johnny, let's go get something to eat. <b> </b><b> </b> (all the little people leave including Tammy along with Johnny) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> (in complete disgust as seeing Tammy leave with Johnny) AH! (turns and looks at Kramer) AH! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b> (Mickey runs and tackles Kramer) <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b><b> AH! </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mickey! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Back in Fulton's Hospital Room) <b> </b> (Jerry is doing material) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This guy's belching out vitamins.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FULTON </b> (dying of laughter and coughing) Stop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (cont.) and this whole justice league, Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman. You mean to tell me Superman can't cover everything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FULTON </b> (still laughing and coughing) Stop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> For crying out loud, He's Superman. (Fulton stops laughing, Jerry's face is stunned) Fulton? (looks at him) Fulton? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Back at Monk's) <b> </b> (George and Daphne at the booth nearest to the door) <b> </b><b> DAPHNE </b> George, first let me just say I've never been with a guy who was so committed to commit. I mean it's so rare in men these days an, that's what makes this all the more difficult. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (happily) Difficult? <b> </b><b> DAPHNE </b> The other day, after work, some girlfriends and I went to a bar for some drinks and there was this crazy mishap and I wound up meeting someone as a result. George... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (acting disappointed) Oh, please don't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DAPHNE </b> Uh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid the worst of it is it's someone you know. Jerry Persheck. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Pachyderm? <b> </b><b> DAPHNE </b> Heh, he was carrying these two pieces of pizza... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Stand-In Script

1994-03-17

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE WIFE </b> Written by Peter Mehlman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> Of all the places that you go all the time, the dry-cleaning relationship is one of the most bizarre. Because you keep giving each other the same thing, back and forth, over and over again. He gives it to you, you give it to him, he gives it back to you. It's like it's half his shirt, in a way. He has it as much as you do...you oughta go shopping with him. 'What do you think of this shirt?' 'That would look good with a light starch.' The only warning label people really respect is 'dry-clean only.' Y'know what I mean? Speed limits, lung cancer, cigarette warnings - your very life is at stake! People go, 'Ah, the hell with it!' But dry-clean only? 'Oh, don't put that in the wash! It's dry-clean only! Are you crazy?!' <b> </b><b> </b> Opening scene - Jerry and his girlfriend Meryl at Jerry's apartment. Meryl comes out of Jerry's bedroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Good morning. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good morning. <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> How'd you sleep? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, you are the couch tonight, young lady. You were all over my side. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> I was not! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon, I was sleeping with one cheek off the bed! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> By the way, you're falling way behind on the 'I love you's.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, 12-8! <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> No, it's 15-8. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know I can't beat ya, I'm just trying to stay competitive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Alright c'mon, let's get some breakfast. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, let me get a coat. I think I'll try a sport jacket and scarf thing, you know, like an unemployed actor. (Goes into his room, and comes back out with the jacket on.) Haven't worn this one in a long time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Ooh, cashmere? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, gore-tex. It's new. (Checks his pockets.) Hey, look at this locket. What the hell is this? There's a picture in here, look at that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Wow, this is really old. You don't know whose it is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I haven't worn this jacket since I got it back from the dry-cleaner. Maybe we should ask him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Alright, we'll stop over there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. What do you want to get for breakfast? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Pancakes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh now, c'mon, you know I'm getting pancakes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> I don't know that! Mark's Michelle is a dog. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But we can't both get pancakes, it's embarrassing. It's like one step from the couples who dress alike. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> I'll get the short stack. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, that's why I love ya. 15-9. (They go out into the hallway and run into Kramer and his African-American girlfriend, Anna.) Hey, how ya doin.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We just got back from breakfast. The pancakes were dynamite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, is that my maple syrup? (Kramer hands it over.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> You bring your own syrup? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Got to. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got a lot to learn about pancakes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Meryl at Marty the dry-cleaner's. <b> </b><b> MARTY </b> This is my wife. She died eight years ago. I been looking all over for this! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, it's a lucky thing I put the jacket on. But how did it get in the pocket? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARTY </b> Well, see here, the chain is broken...it must have slipped in when I was, uh...(gestures at the racks of clothes behind him.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, wow. <b> </b><b> MARTY </b> I turned my house upside-down looking for this! It's all I have left of her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Oh, that's so touching. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, come on! <b> </b><b> MARTY </b> What are you talkin' about? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's silly! <b> </b><b> MARTY </b> Hey, forget it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Get outta here! <b> </b><b> MARTY </b> It's done! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Well, I guess I get it too, because I'm his wife. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARTY </b> I didn't know you were married. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh...yeah...you've never met my wife, Meryl? Meryl Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARTY </b> Sure, you get the discount, too. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You might regret that, because the money my wife spends on clothes... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> I'm taking him to the cleaners! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah - see the sense of humor? C'mere, I'm so nuts about you...(hugs Meryl.) I tell ya, it was fun being single, but when you meet a woman like this, you don't walk to get married - you run! <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine on the street outside the New York Health Club. Greg comes out of the club. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hi Greg. <b> </b><b> GREG </b> Haven't seen you in a while. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Well, today was the first day I worked out since the Central Park Mini-Marathon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GREG </b> You ran the Mini-Marathon? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, but I exercised that day. (Laughs.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GREG </b> Well, I gotta take off. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I guess as an airline pilot, you're one of the few people who can say that and mean it. (Laughs again. Greg looks at her, unamused.) Um, do you have the time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GREG </b> Eleven-thirty. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Eleven-thirty? <b> </b><b> GREG </b> Wait, ten-thirty. Sorry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> GREG </b> Do you have to be somewhere? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> GREG </b> Then what are you doing? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm just waiting for my friend George, we worked out together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GREG </b> Oh. Well, it was good seeing you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, nice to see you, too. <b> </b> (Greg plants an open-lipped kiss on Elaine and walks away. She looks after him with a puzzled expression.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Meryl having breakfast at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Uh, would you, um...can I... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pardon? <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> The syrup. Would you pass the syrup? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you want to try the syrup! (Meryl smiles and takes it. The waitress comes over.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Can I get you anything else? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Um, yeah...I think my wife and I'll have a little more coffee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> And a check for my husband. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> To my beautiful wife. <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> To my adoring husband. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Adoring? What about handsome? <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> I like adoring. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure, adoring's good for you, what does it do for me? (Meryl laughs. The owner of the coffee shop comes over.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> OWNER </b> Excuse me...where did you get that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I, uh...well... <b> </b><b> OWNER </b> Uh, we don't allow any outside syrups, jams or condiments in the restaurant. (To Jerry) And if I catch you in here with that again...I will confiscate it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I told my wife not to bring it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, just Meryl. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why, why? Why does she get it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because she's my wife! (The door buzzer sounds, and Jerry lets Elaine into the building - Jerry: Yeh? Elaine: Meh. Jerry: Eh.) And I'll tell ya, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love saying "my wife." Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop - "my wife" this, "my wife" that...it's an amazing way to begin a sentence. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> "My wife has an inner ear infection." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I like that! Hey look, will you do me a favor? Will you take my quilt into the cleaners for me, so I can get the discount too? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh come on, we're gonna start doing this now? I can't be taking all your dry-cleaning in! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> C'mon, just this one time! It's expensive! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. (Elaine enters.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. Hey Elaine, what do you say if neither of us is married in ten years, we get hitched? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Let's make it fifty. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We're engaged! Alright, I'm gonna get my quilt. (Kramer leaves.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, listen to this. Remember that guy I was telling you about at the health club? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The fly-boy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, where's George? I thought he was with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I waited, he didn't show up. Anyway, this guy gave me an open-lip kiss. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So? We've always just kind've pecked. This one had a totally different dynamic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. I mean, his upper lip landed flush on my upper lip. But his lower lip landed well below my rim. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Moisture? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Definite moisture. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's an open-lip kiss, alright. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Listen, I think he's giving me a big signal...maybe he wants to change our relationship. (The buzzer sounds, Elaine answers it.) Yeah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, uh...it's George. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, what happened to you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing...little problem. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, what was it? I mean, I was waiting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can I come upstairs, please? (Elaine pushes the button and lets George in.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean, maybe he wants to ask me out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know why you're interested in this guy, he's a jerk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because, he doesn't pay any attention to me, and he ignores me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, so? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I respect that. (George enters.) Mmm, what happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing, I... said it was a little problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah? What was it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well...I was in the locker room showering, and I...I had to go, so... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here we go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Anyway, I think the guy in the shower opposite saw me. He gave me a dirty look. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You went...in the shower? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, so what? I'm not the only one! (Kramer enters with his quilt.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you go in the shower? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, never. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I take baths. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, what was I supposed to do? Get out of the shower, put on my bathrobe? Go all the way down to the other end? Come all the way back? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ever hear of...holding it in? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no...no, that's very bad for the kidneys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How do you know? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Medical journals! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry dropping off Kramer's quilt at the dry-cleaners. Meryl is already there dropping off some stuff of her own. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Oh, hi...honey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> I just thought I'd drop off a few things. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. (Smiles at Marty nervously.) Well, I must have been in the incinerator room when you left. Here you go, Marty. (Hands over Kramer's quilt.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARTY </b> Another quilt? Huh? (Uncle Leo enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uncle Leo! <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Hello! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> MARTY </b> So, if you or your wife want to drop by on Wednesday, it should be ready. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Your wife? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah...my wife. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh...I got married. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> You got married? I wasn't invited? Nobody sends me an invitation? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it was sudden. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Are you ashamed of your uncle? Do I embarrass you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, it was a small ceremony. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Haven't I always been a good uncle? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, yes, you have. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Who told you when you went to school that you print well? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You did, you did. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> When he was younger, he had a beautiful penmanship. I used to encourage him to print. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm a good printer. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> I remember your 'V.' It was like a perfect triangle. Whoa, there's my bus! (Rushes out.) Hello! Wait! (Jerry tries to catch Leo before he runs off to tell him about his "pretend marriage," but doesn't make it.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine talking with Greg while he's on a Stairmaster at the health club. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GREG </b> I'm glad you're here. This can get really boring. Do you know where I can get some good olives? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can find out. <b> </b><b> GREG </b> Would ya? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sure. (Thinks - Ooh, a project. That's a definite signal!) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GREG </b> By the way, you look really great in that leotard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, thanks. (Thinks - That's no signal, who wouldn't like me in this leotard? I look amazing in this leotard.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GREG </b> Hey, you know what's weird? I think I had a dream about you last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Thinks - Okay, he open-lips me, he dreams about me, we have an olive project...that's it, I'm asking this guy out.) Um, you know Greg, I... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GREG </b> Can I have a sip of your water? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah, sure. (Hands Greg her bottle.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GREG </b> Thanks. (Is about to take a drink, but wipes the neck of the bottle with his shirt first.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Thinks - Oh my God.) <b> </b><b> GREG </b> I'm sorry, what were you saying? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It was nothing, forget it. (George enters the gym.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GREG </b> See that guy right there? I caught him urinating in the shower. I'm thinking about turning him in, too. (On the other side of the room, George falls off an exercise machine and gets his foot caught in it.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Meryl in Jerry's apartment. Meryl is lounging on the couch, watching TV and eating chocolates. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Honey? Could you get me something to drink? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're right there. <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> C'mon, I'm sitting! (Jerry walks to the kitchen, annoyed. Meryl laughs at the TV show she's watching.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Honey, what'd you do with the can opener? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> I didn't do anything with it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's not here, it was here yesterday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> It's in the first drawer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm looking in the first drawer. It's not here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Yes, it is. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey...I'm not stupid. I'm looking in that drawer, there's no can opener. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Did I say you were stupid? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, wouldn't I have to be? You tell me there's a can opener in the drawer, I'm looking in the drawer, there's no can opener - what other conclusion could one reach? (The phone rings.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Do you want me to go find it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. I do. You show me where there's a can opener in that drawer. (Answers the phone.) Hello! I'm sorry, I'm just fighting with my wife. <b> </b><b> </b> (Cut to Morty and Helen in Florida, each with phone in hand.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry, we just heard, what's going on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Why the hell didn't you tell us? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Listen, Ma... <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> It was in here yesterday! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's what I said! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Who is she? When did this happen? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I told her you'd get married. She thought you'd never do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Morty, you're talking too loud. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'm not talking loud! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You're hurting my eardrum. <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Well, you must have done something with it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm on the phone! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Is she there? Can we talk to her? What's her name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mom, I'm not married. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not married! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I knew it, I told ya! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Uncle Leo said. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm just pretending I'm married to get a discount on dry-cleaning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> A discount on dry-cleaning? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Could you make a little more noise? (To his parents) Listen, I'm gonna have to call you later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Well, I give up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, whoopie whoop. (Meryl goes into the other room. Kramer staggers in the door in his bathrobe.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Got any coffee? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. (Kramer lurches into the kitchen, trips, and falls onto the kitchen floor.) I'll get it, I'll get it! Take it easy, why are you so tired? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My quilt is still at the cleaners. Jerry, I can't sleep without my quilt. Like the other night? I was cold. So, last night, I turn up the heat - it's too hot. I open up a window - it's too cold. (Frantic) I can't get into a zone! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that? (Points to Kramer's pocket as Meryl comes back.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I forgot. (Hands back Jerry's can opener.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Meryl in bed later that night. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I'm sorry about all that can opener stuff. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Yeah, me too. Love you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Love you. <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Well, goodnight. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Goodnight. (They kiss goodnight, then promptly roll away from each other and go to sleep.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Commercial break. <b> </b> Jerry, George and Elaine in Jerry's apartment the next day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They could kick me out of the health club if he tells them! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what do you want me to do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Talk to him! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How can I do that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You said the guy gave you an open-lipped kiss! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, but then he wiped his hand on the top of the bottle when I offered him water! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, that doesn't mean anything! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you kidding? That's very significant! If he was interested in me, he'd want my germs! He'd just crave my germs! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's right, George. Bottle-wipe is big. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, what about the open-lipped kiss? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bottle-wipe supercedes it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, you're right, you're right. (To Elaine) Alright, maybe he's not interested, but you still know him - can't you just ask him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George...but if I ask him now, I will have no chance of going out with him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I...I don't know... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aha. Aha. Could it be because you don't want him to know that you have a friend who pees in the shower, is that it?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, that's not it! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I think it is! I think that's exactly what it is! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why couldn't you just wait? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was there! I saw a drain! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Since when is a drain a toilet?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's all pipes! What's the difference?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Different pipes go to different places! You're gonna mix 'em up! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll call a plumber right now! (Goes for the phone.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, can we just drop all the pee-pipe stuff here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay! Okay! I will talk to him. (Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, I think that quilt is ready. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you gotta pick it up for me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I'll pick it up, but it's the last time I'm doin' it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm so tired! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Boy, you don't look good. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh? I don't? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, you look pale. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Pale? Oh my God...I gotta meet Anna's parents today! (The phone rings.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? Oh, hi honey. (annoyed, weary) Yes, I told him. I'll get it. (George and Elaine give each other a look, then leave Jerry to argue with Meryl on the phone.) Whenever. Okay, I'm sorry... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry at the dry-cleaners. Kramer paces outside impatiently, waiting for his quilt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARTY </b> I'm sorry, it's not ready yet. (Kramer bursts in.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Not ready? It has to be ready! What kind of a business are you running here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARTY </b> Who the hell are you? It's not your quilt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's a very good friend of mine, he's kind've like an older brother to me...when things don't go right, he kinda takes it personally. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARTY </b> Well, uh...maybe tomorrow. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Maybe. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it's okay, it'll be okay. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, I'm gonna see you later. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where you goin'? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I gotta meet Anna's parents today, remember? I look terrible! I'm gonna hit the tanning machines. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe you still do that. You know those things are bad for ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, that's how I maintain my glow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm goin' home. (Kramer exits. An attractive woman enters the dry-cleaners with a bundle of clothes in her hands. Jerry notices her and waits by the door.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PAULA </b> Excuse me? Uh, how much would it cost to clean this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARTY </b> Oh, about thirteen dollars. <b> </b><b> PAULA </b> Thirteen? Well, I can't afford that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARTY </b> Well, I'm sorry. <b> </b> (Paula turns around to leave and runs into Jerry. They smile at each other.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Greg at the health club. A sweaty Greg is exercising on a leg machine.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, Greg. <b> </b><b> GREG </b> Hey, Elaine. I'll be off in a second. (Another guy approaches the exercise machine.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I got the machine next, buddy. (Greg finishes up his workout and gets off the machine.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GREG </b> It's all yours. (Walks away. Elaine looks at the machine, then George runs over.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What happened? Did he bring it up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Never mind that, look at the signal I just got. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Signal? What signal? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Lookit. He knew I was gonna use the machine next, he didn't wipe his sweat off. That's a gesture of intimacy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll tell you what that is - that's a violation of club rules. Now I got him! And you're my witness! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Listen, George! Listen! He knew what he was doing, this was a signal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah! It's a social thing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What if he left you a used Kleenex, what's that, a valentine? Now you go up to him and you tell him that if he's thinking of turning me in, that I got the goods on him! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! I won't be a party to this. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you're gonna let me get suspended for shower urination? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, I'll talk to him. But you're putting me in a very difficult position. (Walks away.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Paula in a booth at the coffee shop. Jerry is trying to get the bundle of clothes from her so he can pay for the dry-cleaning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> PAULA </b> I won't let you do this! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I want to! <b> </b><b> PAULA </b> But it isn't right! I can't. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Give me the clothes. <b> </b><b> PAULA </b> Jerry, please. What about her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, the hell with her. (Paula dramatically flees from the coffee shop. Jerry thinks for a second, then follows her and catches up to her on the street.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAULA </b> No, Jerry, please! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not gonna let you walk out of my life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> PAULA </b> I can't fight you. (They embrace and kiss passionately.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you want box or hanger? <b> </b><b> PAULA </b> You decide. (Jerry considers.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer in a tanning booth at the health club. He lies down on the tanning bed and bonks his head. Cut back to Elaine and Greg in the weight room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're really working up quite a sweat today, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GREG </b> Yeah. (Spies the shapely manager of the health club.) Oh, there's the manager. Good. I think I'm gonna talk to her about that guy, you know, we cannot have people like that in here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you sure you want to do that? <b> </b><b> GREG </b> Yeah. He's disgusting! Besides, I'll take any chance I can to talk to her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're interested in...in her? (Points at the manager.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GREG </b> Very. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah. You know, uh...I'm engaged. (preens) Yep, gettin' married in fifty years. (Snaps the straps of her leotard against her chest and winces. George walks by the manager.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GREG </b> Oh good, there he is. I wanna be able to point him out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, Greg, I wouldn't do that if I were you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GREG </b> Why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it a violation of club policy to not wipe down a machine after using it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GREG </b> Oh, I see...you're friends with the urinator, aren't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, well, at least he had a drain. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Cut back to Kramer lying on the health club tanning bed - fast asleep and snoring.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Meryl picking up her clothes at the dry-cleaners. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Here you go. (Pays Marty, then looks at the clothes on the hanger.) Excuse me, this isn't mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARTY </b> Oh, yes it is. Your husband brought it in himself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Really? (Takes her change and grabs the clothes off the hanger.) Thank you. (Exits.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Anna with her family and friends at her apartment. There's a knock at the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNA </b> That's him! (Opens the door. Kramer stands there, deeply tanned and smiling. Anna and her grandfather are shocked.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Meryl in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> You son of a bitch! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Who is she? I want to know who she is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It doesn't matter. I want a divorce. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> A divorce? Oh, so you can marry her and give her the discount? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, that's right. <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> What happened to us, Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll tell you what happened. We got married. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> I'm sorry, this is my fault. I pushed it on you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. I guess I just wasn't ready for the responsibilities of a pretend marriage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Goodbye, Jerry. Oh, I forgot...(reaches in her purse)...this is your maple syrup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's alright, I want you to have it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Okay, thanks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll always have...pancakes. <b> </b><b> MERYL </b> Bye, Jerry. (Exits.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Kramer at Anna's door. <b> </b><b> GRANDPA </b> I thought you said you was bringin' a white boy home! I don't see a white boy! I see a damn fool! <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer stands there, grinning foolishly.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Wife Script

1994-04-28

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE RAINCOATS PART 1 </b> Written by Tom Gammill, Max Pross, Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I really feel as human beings, we need more training in our basic social skills. Conversational Distance, don't you hate these people that talk to you they talk into your mouth like you're a clown at a drive-through and Hand shakes is the worst, there's absolutely no guidelines for hand shakes you know these people? Too long, too weak, sometimes they give you the three-quarter handshake just the fingers, early release, late release, sometimes people will dispute your release, you let go there're hangin' on. I have actually said to people 'Hey the handshake is over!.' Too many pumps, coming in too high, too sweaty, coming from too far away. Sometimes a guy will give you a strong grip, late release, and pull you in for the too close conversation. To him I say 'That's three strikes you're out.' <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (George and Jerry at the usual booth) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know their timing couldn't be worse. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is there ever a good time to have your parents stay with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't understand, I haven't been together with Rachel for like three weeks. First I was on the road, then my parents show up, I'm getting a little uh backed up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When are they leaving for Paris? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not for another three days. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about her place? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She lives with her parents. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? (Jerry shakes his head) Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sarcastically)Ya, then maybe baldness will catch on. This will all be turning your way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The baldies <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey by the way my parents really want to have your parents over dinner before they leave town. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's good, then I get the apartment for at least one night. You know I'm paying for this whole Paris trip it's their anniversary present. <b> </b><b> </b> (Alec and Joey enter) <b> </b><b> ALEC </b> (walking over to Jerry and George's table) Hey guys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey Alec <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Alec <b> </b><b> ALEC </b> This is Joey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey Joey, how you doin'? <b> </b><b> ALEC </b> (Joey was about to talk) Hey listen, I was wondering if either one of you guys would be interested in doing some work for the Big Brother program? I'm kinda running the local chapter. What do you say George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well uh.... <b> </b><b> JOEY </b> (interrupts) Wouldn't you like to be a big brother to someone like me? Please? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, sure Joey, sure, I would be thrilled. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALEC </b> That's great George, thanks a lot I'll get in touch with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEY </b> Wouldn't you like to be a big brother.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALEC </b> (grabs Joey to stop him) Ya alright Joey that's enough, let's go (walking over to the counter) See ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What could I do? Did you see the mug on that kid? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (acting like Joey) Wouldn't you like to pass the ketchup to someone like me? Please? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> (Jerry and George walking down the sidewalk.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey did you notice they moved where they do the interview on Jeopardy now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya it used to be right in the middle of single Jeopardy and now they do it right after single Jeopardy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya, it's much better isn't it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, n-no comparison. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, I gotta stop off at the bookstore to pick up my parents one of those French-English dictionaries. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (stops Jerry realizing something) Hey hey hey hey hey hey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Your parents are going to Paris right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yea? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So I tell Alec that I have to goto Paris for an undetermined amount of time. Then all I have to do is buy some post cards and have your parents mail them from Paris. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about little Joey? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, I think he's probably better off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (Morty and Helen are sitting at Jerry's Table; Jerry and George are standing by them) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program. So when you get to Paris (handing Morty the postcards) all you have to do is drop 'em in any mailbox. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> But there are no stamps on these. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well no not yet, you gotta buy french stamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you of course. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Why are you doing this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He wants this guy to think he's in Paris. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because George is a deeply disturbed individual. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh hey, Helen uh, Could I uh, use some more of your hand lotion? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I told you it was good. (hands Kramer the lotion) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (putting on the lotion) Ya <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> It's from the Sachs Fifth Avenue in Miami. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mmm (smelling the lotion as he rubs it in) I'm gonna remember that if I'm ever in Florida. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya, or if you're ever on Fifth Avenue here in New York City, you could get some there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ya <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Say those are some nice pants. I got a pair just like them at home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well uh that doesn't surprise me, ya i bought these at Rudy's. It's a used clothing store. See when people like you die, the widows they bring in their wardrobes, they make a bundle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? My father has a ton of old clothes just sitting up in the attic, y-you think they're worth something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ya if they're vintage, and you're a widow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What happens if the husband dies after the wife, who brings in the clothing in then? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I suppose the children do. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pondering) Yes I suppose they do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (takes another smell of his hands) Alright I gotta a ten o'clock, I'll see everybody later. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer goes to turn the door nob and falls straight to the floor slipping off the nob, then continues to try to open the door with no one really watching; He then uses his coat to get a grip and then smiles and exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (grabbing his jacket) Hey oo, I just remembered uh my parents really wanna have you guys over for dinner before you leave town. What about tonight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Morty and Helen look at each other) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Tonight? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yea they're making Payaya. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (looking at Morty) Uh oh I don't think we think we can make it tonight, (turns toward George) we have plans. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (watching the whole conversation from his desk) What plans? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (turns to Jerry) We have plans. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where'd you get plans? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (annoyed) We have plans. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well um, what about tomorrow night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (turns back toward George) Maybe <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ok uh, I guess I'll tell them that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (to George as he is about to leave) Hey give 'em our best though. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (quietly) Ya. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (walking over toward George and the door) I'll call you later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya. <b> </b> (George tries to open the door hand slips then he exits; Jerry makes sure the door is closed) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what plans do you have? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> None <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So how come you're not going over there for dinner? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry we don't care much for the Costanzas'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> We can't stand them. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? Since when? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Since always. We've never liked them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well they're so loud, they're always fighting it's uncomfortable, you never notice? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I notice but they're from your age group I didn't know you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well we do. <b> </b> (Buzzer; Jerry goes over to answer it) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya? <b> </b> (Elaine and Aaron are heard laughing on the Intercom) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's us. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> U-oh come on up. (buzzes them up) It's Elaine you don't have a problem with her do you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We adore Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She wants to say hi, she's with her new boyfriend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What's he like? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's nice, bit of a close talker. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> A what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You'll see. (pause) Boy, I had no idea you felt this way about the Costanzas' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> They're exhausting it's like being in an Asylum. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine and Aaron enter) <b> </b><b> EVERYONE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hello Elaine <b> </b> (Morty and Helen give Elaine a hug) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is Aaron. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Hello Aaron <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> AARON </b> (getting up in Helen's face) So how long you folks in town? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh, three more days, three more days then we're off to Paris. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> Ah <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> We're going with a select charter group. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> I love France, (moving over to Morty's face) I was just there last year. In fact, you know I still have an envelope full of French Franks, I'll give 'em to ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We can't take money. <b> </b><b> AARON </b> Oh, no, it's a gift. (looking toward Elaine) from us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, that is soo nice (very elaborate nice) Aaron. Isn't he nice? (to Helen) So listen has Jerry been showin' you a good time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I haven't. <b> </b><b> AARON </b> You know (to Morty) I have a friend who works at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. How would you like a behind the scenes tour? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (grabbing Aaron) Really, you could do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> (up in Helen's face) Easily <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I wouldn't be any trouble? <b> </b><b> AARON </b> (gets closer) Of course not. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> When would we go? <b> </b><b> AARON </b> How about right now? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'm ready <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> AARON </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Ok, let me get my coat. <b> </b> (Helen goes to get her coat) <b> </b><b> AARON </b> (walking over to Elaine and getting into her face) Elaine what do you say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> W-well I don't think so Aaron, uh, I have plans. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> Oh. (getting into Jerry's face) How about you Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm swamped. <b> </b><b> AARON </b> You sure? You could examine the art work up close. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe I'll try and catch up with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (under her breath) Ya that'll happen) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> (Moving toward the door) Alright. We're off. <b> </b><b> </b> (Aaron, Helen and Morty heading out the door) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Ok, bye. <b> </b><b> HELEN &amp; AARON </b> Bye. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok buh bye. Have a good time. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bye. <b> </b><b> AARON </b> See everybody later (Morty and Helen leave; Aaron closes the door blowing Elaine a kiss) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why would he ask your parents to go to a museum? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe he was just trying to be nice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Have you ever heard of anyone doing anything like this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second, he just did me a big favor. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry walks over to the couch sits down and picks up the phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (dialing) He got em out of the house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Call Rachel. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (on the phone) ah no, I got the machine. Rachel! Are you there?! I got the place to myself for a few hours! Rachel! Where are you? Rachel! (hangs up the phone very disappointed) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (putting on lipstick) Sorry pal, wish I could help you out. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine kisses at Jerry; Jerry looks at her in disgust) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Costanza House) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> They're not coming? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, they had plans. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> How could they have plans? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's what I wanna know. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Well what difference does it make? They wouldn't lie to us, they're are dear friends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> What am I supposed to do with all this Paella? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They said tomorrow, maybe. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Maybe? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Maybe they don't like us. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Why wouldn't they like us? (tastes the Paella; disgusted) Again with the pepper? What do you gotta use all the pepper for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Ah keep quiet. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What are you trying to set my mouth on fire? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know what the reason could be. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (Morty, Helen and Aaron enter) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (disappointed) Oh, Hi, hi. <b> </b><b> AARON </b> Ah Jerry you would not believe the time we had. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Aaron is quite the tour guide. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Jerry have you ever seen any of those impressionist paintings? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh sure like Monet. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Don't you think he had to be uh near sighted? I mean nobody would paint like that if they could see. It's all out of focus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well he's from the impressionist school, you know like Monet, Manet, Tippi Tippi Dayday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I say the guy was painting without his glasses. <b> </b><b> </b> (phone rings) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (answering phone) Hello? Rachel, ya uh no they're back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry if you have something to do we could just sit right here and read. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh haha ya well uh I'm sorry too I'll call you later, ok bye (hangs phone up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> Well I should be going. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh thanks again. <b> </b><b> AARON &amp; HELEN </b> Buh bye. <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> AARON </b> Oh you must be Kramer (advances on Kramer to close to his face Kramer walks back into the fridge to avoid him and falls to the ground) I've heard about you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You must be Aaron, I've heard about you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> (Laughing) Well see you later. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> AARON </b> (leaving) Bye <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bye <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So uh what are you guys doing for dinner? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We have no plans. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (noticing Kramer's coat) Look at that, Helen do you see what he's wearing? That's the Executive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Now what is Executive? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The belt-less trench coat. My father invented it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I sure did. Raincoats were my business. The Executive was a classic, these haven't been made in twenty years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Why would they? Nobody bought them then. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> He's wearing one. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yea these are a hot item over at Rudy's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You don't say? You know I have boxes of those sitting in my garage in Florida? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Get 'em up here. You give me twenty-five percent I-I'll take care of everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You gotta deal. <b> </b> (Kramer and Morty shake hands) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yaaaa. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is like the meeting of Smith and Wesson. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'll call Jack Klompus, he's got a key to the garage. He can send them overnight delivery. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You're gonna first start shipping boxes? We're leaving for Paris in three days. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> He'll send them express. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You're crazy. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'll tell you how crazy I am, I'm gonna pay for this whole trip with these coats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> N-na I'm paying for the trip. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So much the better. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (George and Alec are sitting at the booth closest to the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Anyway it's kind of a fluke thing but uh I'll be leaving for Paris in two days. I will send you a postcard when I get there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALEC </b> Paris huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yea, ya..ya know I feel terrible about Joey but it's jus..it's a great business opportunity. I-I don't even know how long I'm gonna be away for. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALEC </b> Where will you stay? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> An apartment complex, the uh the Eiffel Towers. uumm Like I said uh you'll be getting a postcard uh in a few days and again I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ALEC </b> George, you have no idea how fantastic this is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fantastic? <b> </b><b> ALEC </b> Ya, we've been trying to reunite Joey with his father who lives in Paris. But he's afraid to fly alone, you know he's kinda withdrawn, but he seems to take to you. (George smiling in surprise) So it's a perfect solution. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How gee what a coincidence. <b> </b><b> ALEC </b> And you'll send me a postcard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Apartment) <b> </b> (Elaine and Aaron lying in bed) <b> </b><b> AARON </b> Helen really seemed to respond to Renoir. I think she really connected to the way he painted children. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mm hmm. <b> </b><b> AARON </b> And that Morty, I'll tell ya that guy is full of life. (laughs) He was convinced Monet was near sighted. I kept telling him <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aaron <b> </b><b> AARON </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, let me ask you a question. How come you asked Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld to go to the museum with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> Well, they were in from out of town, I thought they would enjoy it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uhuh, um you didn't feel uncomfortable spending the whole day at the museum with two complete strangers who were more than twice your age? <b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> No, it was fun. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> Yea, they bought me a coke. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (Morty and Jerry are sitting at his table; Kramer is standing next to Morty; Helen is getting the fold out sofa ready to sleep) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So how'd you come up with the idea for the belt-less trench coat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I came home one night, and I tripped over one of Jerry's toys. (Jerry smiling points to himself and nods with cards in his hands) So I took out my belt just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How serendipitous. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So that night I cut off the loops and the Executive was born. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mmm <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He also came up with an idea for a brimless rain-hat but that never materialized. (to Morty) Alright come on let's play. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Did you call Jack Klompus yet? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I haven't been able to reach him. Hey I'll call him right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah come on. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Just a second. (Goes to grab the phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry have you seen Schindler's List? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I haven't seen it yet. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh you have to go you have to <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm going <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You have to <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (on the phone) Hello Jack. <b> </b> (Jack in Florida) <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Ya <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> It's Morty <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Who died? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Nobody died. Jack I want you to do me a big favor. (Jerry holding up some cards looking at his father) In my garage there are a couple of boxes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> What boxes? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'm gonna explain what boxes. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Alright how the hell do I know? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Anyway there are these three big boxes, you can't miss them. I want you to ship them here to New York for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> I thought you're going to Paris <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'm still going to Paris. I got a big deal cooking here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> What's in the boxes? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Raincoats. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Raincoats? (Doris sighs) You think you're gonna sell those old crappy raincoats? That's garbage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I guarantee you Doris is not letting him mail those boxes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> When do you want these? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Send them tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Costanza House) <b> </b> (George, Estelle and Frank are sitting at the table for breakfast all still in what they slept in) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> You think they're coming tonight? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I dunno they said maybe. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Of course they're coming, they're leaving soon. If they don't come tonight they might not see us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Well they better come, I got all this Paella. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I admire Morty and Helen going to France. We should take a trip, maybe a cruise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes a cruise, a long cruise, just the two of you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Georgie what were you doing poking around the attic last night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I-I wasn't in the attic. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I heard noise. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe it was a mouse. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (jumping to his feet) OK that's it! We're moving! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I will not tolerate infestation. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You haven't even seen one. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Don't you understand the very thought, the very idea, I'll never be comfortable again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> All right Frank that's enough. <b> </b> (Frank sits back down) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Rudy's Antique Boutique) <b> </b> (Rudy is checking out the clothes) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I guess I've been hanging on to them for so long cuz i couldn't accept the fact that Dad was really gone forever (hugs a piece of clothing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Uh huh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They will get a good home won't they? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Look I gotta be honest with you there's nothing here too spectacular. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh I beg to differ. My father took great pride in his appearance, he was a very handsome man, a Casanova really. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> I'll give you uh two-hundred dollars for the three boxes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Could you make it two-twenty-five that was his hi-game in bowling. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Yea I'm in a good mood here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thank you. <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, George what are you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, I'm just selling some of Dad's things, (looking into Kramer's eyes) that's what he would have wanted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I gotcha (clicks) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (leaving) That'll do. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh hey guess what. Morty Seinfeld and I are going into business together, selling raincoats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey that's swell. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yea we worked it out all over dinner last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dinner? (grabs Kramer) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ya. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You had dinner with the Seinfelds? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yea, last night. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Was this something you had planned for a while? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No it was a spur of the moment. Well you know Morty likes to fly by the seat of his vintage pants. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (hurriedly leaves Rudy's) They had plans, They had plans! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oooo, boy I've never seen these before (looking at the clothes George just sold Rudy) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Well they just came in, part of my spring-time cruise collection. Two for twenty-five dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh I'll take these. <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> All right <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, remember this raincoat that you sold me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Sure that's the Executive. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ya, you have any others? <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> I wish. They don't make 'em anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Suppose I told you I had fifty in mint condition, would you be interested? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Very interested <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Cuz they're coming in from Florida as we speak. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Well bring 'em in. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So you'll buy them? <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> I don't see what would possibly stop me. <b> </b><b> </b> (Out of one of the boxes George sold Rudy flies a couple of moths as the scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa (finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans huh? They were busy. They were busy with their (doing a little dance to make the plans seem all that important) big plans! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mom and Pop Seinfeld <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right I happen to know what they did last night, they had dinner with Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh they were tired it was a last minute thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what's the deal they don't want to have dinner with my parents? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is there something wrong with my parents? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Absolutely <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because my parents happen to be two pretty wonderful people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> These the people you currently live with? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh huh <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So are they coming tonight or not? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look I really don't know what they're plans are. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ok, fine. It's going to be very interesting, very interesting if they don't show up tonight. You know my mother made all this Paella. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that anyway? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a Spanish dish. It's a mélange of fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I-I'll tell 'em <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey could you do one other thing for me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Name it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think your parents would have any objections to taking a little kid to Paris with them? (Jerry looks at him confused) It turns out that the kid's father lives in Paris. (chuckling) Is that a coincidence? (Jerry smiles) Eh you know Alec wants me to take him over there so I figure as long as they're going (claps) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you thought as long as they're mailing postcards, it wouldn't be too much to ask my parents to drag a child who they've never seen, through the streets of Paris? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pause) All right if you think it's too much they don't have to mail the postcards. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Office) <b> </b> (Elaine at her desk; Joanna standing near the door) <b> </b><b> JOANNE </b> So where's he taking you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well first we're going to a matinee, I'm taking the afternoon off, we're gonna go see "My Fair Lady" and they we are gonna go to dinner. He knows all these fantastic places. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOANNE </b> You are one lucky girl. (Elaine laughs in happiness) Wish I could find a nice guy. (Joanne goes to leave; Aaron enters) Hi Aaron. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> (getting up in Aaron's face) Hey Joanne. (turns to Elaine and goes over to her) Hey <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (already out from behind her desk goes to Aaron) Hi <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine and Aaron kiss) <b> </b> (Enter Helen) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Hello, Hello. <b> </b> (Enter Morty) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hello Elaine <b> </b> (Morty gives Elaine a kiss; Elaine is in shock) <b> </b><b> AARON </b> I was able to finagle two more tickets to "My Fair Lady" and I thought why not ask Morty and Helen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Great. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (looking around) This is some office. What's the square footage? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You don't mind to you Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mind? Oh o-of course not. <b> </b><b> AARON </b> We can make a whole day of it. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> This is some building, Harry Fleming used to have an office here. There was a deli on the first floor. You don't get corned beef like that anymore. What happened to that deli? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (somewhat annoyed) I really don't know Mr. Seinfeld <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Collection of Scenes with the music and singing from "My Fair Lady" over them. First the matinée where we see (from left to right) Helen, Morty, Elaine and Aaron. Morty opens a candy bar takes a bite then offers it to Elaine then Aaron who takes it as the scene changes to the Cafe 123. At the restaurant we see (from left to right) Morty, Elaine, Helen and Aaron. Morty is pointing at a painting while talking to Elaine then takes off his glasses. Next George is seen getting ready to hop into a cab when Morty, Elaine, Aaron and Helen ride by in a horse drawn carriage (Handsome Cab) drinking champagne. George then smacks the top of the cab in disgust) <b> </b> (song from "My Fair Lady") "I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night, and still have begged for more. I could have spread my wings, and done a thousand things, I've never done before. I never know what made it so exciting, but all at once my heart would fly" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry and Rachel making out on Jerry's couch) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (stopping them) We better not. (they make out some more; then stop) T-They're gonna be here any second. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> When are they leaving? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In two days. <b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> It's been soo long. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. <b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Ok, it's only two more days. <b> </b> (They both run their hands through their hair) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right, Thursday three o'clock. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (from outside the door; singing) I could have danced all night (entering with Helen) I could have danced all night and still have <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Ooh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh Hi. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We didn't know you had company. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (tucking in his shirt) Oh ya this is Rachel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> HELEN &amp; MORTY </b> Hello Rachel. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Uh we'll come back another time. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What other time? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Whenever <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where you goin'? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Uh we'll drive around for a while. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't have a car. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> We'll take a bus. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on stop. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> No we don't mind <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'll get a book. <b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> No no it's ok, I was just leaving anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> O-oh are you sure? <b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Yea. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Cuz we don't wann.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (interrupting) No no it's ok. (walking Rachel out) So we'll go see Schindler's List later right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Definitely <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok.Uh <b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> (going out the door) It's night meeting you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Nice meeting you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok, see you later. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Boy that was some show. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What show? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> "My Fair Lady" <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When did you get tickets to see that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Aaron surprised us, and Elaine came. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh (laughing) Elaine really? Well that sounds interesting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> We saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He looks better on TV. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh <b> </b> (Phone rings) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (answering phone) Hello? <b> </b> (Jack Klompus in Florida) <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Hello Jerry, <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yea. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> It's Jack Klompus. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh hi Jack. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> So when are you coming down to Florida again? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> As soon as is humanly possible. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> You know I still got that pen, the one that writes upside down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yea yea ya I shoulda kept it. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> So uh where's your father? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya he's right here. <b> </b> (Jerry hands Morty the phone) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Yea <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Morty, listen I can't get into the garage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> There is something wrong with the key. The key doesn't work <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You gotta jiggle it a little bit. I jiggled it. I jiggled it for fifteen minutes. <b> </b><b> </b> (Doris enters the scene with Jack) <b> </b><b> DORIS </b> Tell him to come down here and get his own packages. You have nothing better to do then worry about his boxes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You gotta pull on the knob as you turn it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> Get the hell outta here with your knob. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DORIS </b> What does he want from you? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> My idiot son could open that garage door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did I do? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Just do it first thing tomorrow. I need it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jack is seen hanging up his phone) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> They'll be here first thing Thursday morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Thursday morning? You know we're leaving at three o'clock. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (in a hurry) Yea you're leaving at three o'clock. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> How are you gonna get all this done in time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Don't worry about it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (in a hurry) Ya how you gonna get all this done in time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Costanza House) <b> </b> (George, Estelle and Frank all standing in the kitchen) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They were drinking champagne in a buggy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> First Kramer, then Elaine? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yea <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> It's a slap in the face. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (with her arms out in wonder) What did we ever do to them? (George puts his arms out and imitates Estelle as she moves her arms up and down as she speaks) I want to know what we did them! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What are they too good for us? A raincoat salesman, I could buy and sell 'em like that. <b> </b><b> </b> (Frank leaves the kitchen and moves into the living room) <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> The hell with them. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (in the threshold between the living room and the kitchen) The thing that bothers me the most, is the lying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Estelle move their way into the living room) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Let's forget about it. We're going on a beautiful vacation. (sits down in his chair) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (sitting down) Vacation? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You're mother and I are planning on taking a cruise. <b> </b><b> </b> (Estelle is already sitting next to George on the couch) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (claps all happy) AH! (half hugs Estelle) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> But I can't find any vacation clothes. They were in the attic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The attic? Y-you haven't wore any of those clothes for years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> How can I go on a cruise with out my cabana wear? I love those, those clothes. (Looks down yells) AH! (jumps out of his chair) A mouse! I saw a mouse! (takes off into another room with glass doors on it and shuts the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (picking up what Frank saw as a mouse) It's the remote. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (looking from the room; you can see him through the glass) Where the hell are my clothes? I love those clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ally outside Rudy's) <b> </b> (Rudy has a gasoline bottle and is burning some clothes) <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Lousy moth ridden crap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Median Monologue) <b> </b> I-I-I'm not crazy about used clothes. I mean they call it vintage, you know to take your mind off of what it really is 'nasty wear.' Oh it's clean you know people wear underwear, ya well they don't wear iron underwear and that's what it's gonna take to get me in those clothes. I mean I'll move into an apartment after a strange person moves out, why would I wanna move into somebody's pants? There is no vintage underwear of course, but it's not because the guy couldn't sell his underwear, it's because men wear their underwear until it absolutely disintegrates. Men hang on to underwear until, until each individual underwear molecule is so strained it can barely retain the properties of a solid. It actually becomes underwear vapor. W-we don't even throw it out, we just open a window and it goes out like dandelion spoors. That's how men throw out underwear we just go (blows on the mic) and it's gone that it is jus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Schindler's List) <b> </b> (Schindler's List is playing as Jerry and Rachel are making out. Newman is then seen disgusted by this display) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry Enters; Morty and Helen are sitting at the table with a map out) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey, Jerry. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> So how was the movie? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, really good, really good. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> And didn't the three hours go by just like that (snaps her fingers) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like that (snaps his fingers) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What about the end, with the list? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya that was some list. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What did you think about the black and white? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (confused) The black and white. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> The whole movie was in black and white. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yea, I didn't even realize. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You don't even think about it, there's so much going on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya ya, I tell ya I could see it again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Rudy's Antique Boutique) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So Klompus has the key, but the jerk couldn't open it up. All you gotta do it jiggle it (has is hand out jiggling) jus get it in there (jiggling making a bunch of noises) jigg jigg jiggle reiggle <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Look, I find this whole thing very uninteresting. When you get the coats come in. <b> </b><b> </b> KRAMER; Ya hey I'm on your side. <b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey what again? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm trying to buy some of the clothes back. (realizing something) Hey you wanna come over for dinner tonight? My mother made all this extra Paella. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Payaya, ya I'll be there. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Apparently the Seinfelds' are too good for us. I shouldn't say anything bad about your uh your partner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No no you know we're not partners. I only get twenty-five percent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Twenty-five percent? It was your idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yap I know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're doing all the leg work. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's right <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's ripping you off <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're right he's ripping me off <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If anybody should be getting more it's you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's ripping me off <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well don't let him take advantage of you like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> YAH! (exits) <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> (coming out of the back-room noticing George) Oh it's you? You're the one who sold me the moth ridden cabana crap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (Morty coming out of the bathroom) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You know I've been thinking, why is Kramer getting twenty-five percent? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well he told you about the place. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So what, why is that worth twenty-five percent? It's a finders fee. You know what a finders fee is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You find something you get a fee. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Finder's fee is ten percent and no more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well it's too late now. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Those are my coats. I saved them, I stored them, I've been waiting years for this pay off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well you're not gonna say anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I've been thinking about something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Ya so have I <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ahh! I don't think the deal is fair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You don't think it's fair. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No no, I found the place, I set the whole thing up, I'm doing all the leg work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What leg work? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, there's leg work. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> If anything you're getting too much. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Too much?! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> That's right, they're my coats. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look I want thirty-five percent. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'm thinking more like fifteen. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No way I'm taking fifteen. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well you're not getting thirty-five. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright let's compromise. Twenty-five percent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Ok it's a deal <b> </b> (They shack hands.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Rudy's Antique Boutique) <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Moths are a discourage to my business, all it takes is one moth to lay eggs. You know what happens to the larvae? They hatch and they're everywhere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sorry, umm he-here's your money back (gives Rudy the money back) I-I-I'll have the clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> (counting the money to make sure it's all there) It's already put a dent in my fumigation bill. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So uh where are the clothes? <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> I burned 'em. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. That's good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine sitting in the booth) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> N-I know they're your parents Jerry an' they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a thirty-five year old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean don't you find that abnormal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It is a tad askew. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've hardly been out to dinner with them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See, See, I can't even say anything you know because all he's really doing is being nice but but nobody is this nice, this is like certifiably nice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're right he's insane. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, he's insane, that's what I think. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what are you going to do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know, I don't know what to do. (sighs) Oh god.... so how was the movie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh from what I saw it was pretty good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ya what do you mean from what you saw? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I um I didn't ah actually get to see the whole movie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yea why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was kind of um (pauses) making out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (thinks for a second) You were making, out during Schindler's List? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time, it just got the better of me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> During Schindler's List? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (trying to justify it) We're both living with our parents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did anybody see you? Did anyone say anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I don't think so. I saw Newman as I was leaving but see me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (A knock at the door prior to the reveal of Jerry's apartment; Morty is sitting at the table Helen closes the refrigerator to answer the door; Newman is revealed in his full Newman) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello Mrs. Seinfeld <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (like Jerry) Hello, Newman. Jerry's not here. (goes to shut the door on him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Uh ah (stops her from closing the door; walks in) Having a nice trip? (walks over, grabs a junior mint, smells it then puts it in his pocket) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Wonderful, we went to the theater last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oh the theater. Because I was wondering. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Wondering what? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Why I didn't see you at Schindler's List with Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well we already saw it. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oh, well it's a good thing for Jerry that you didn't go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (getting up from the table and coming over) Why is that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well he really seemed to have his hands full if you know what I mean. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I'm afraid I don't. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Him and his little buxom friend Rachel were going at it pretty good in the balcony. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What, do I have to spell it out for ya? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers into Poland. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry was necking during Schindler's List? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yes! A more offensive spectacle I cannot recall. Anyway I just really came up to get some detergent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry sends his laundry out. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice seeing you folks and a by the way you didn't hear this from me. Tata (runs down the hallway laughing) <b> </b><b> </b> (Helen closes the door and looks at Morty in disgust) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment-Later that day) <b> </b> (Jerry enters; Morty is sitting on the couch writing, Helen is in the bathroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi (takes off his coat and puts it on the counter at which point his parents are both right by him as he goes into the refrigerator. He grabs a drink then turns around to see his parents right there) What? What did I do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> How could you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could I what? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You were making out during Schindler's List? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? No. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Don't lie Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (turns) Newman. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> How could you do such a thing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time and we just kinda started up a little during the coming attractions and the next thing we knew, the war was over. <b> </b><b> </b> (Morty and Helen both sigh and turn to go back to what they were doing; Phone rings) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (answering the phone) Hello. <b> </b> (Jack in Florida with a bandage on his right hand) <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Hello Jerry, it's Jack Klompus. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hang on a second. (handing Morty the phone) Dad it's Klompus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hello <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Hello Morty, listen that key doesn't work. It's no good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You didn't get in? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Oh I got in, I had to break the window with a rock and then I got my hand all cut up reaching in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You broke the window? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He broke the window? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> You wanted those damn boxes didn't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DORIS </b> (off camera) He should be on his hands and knees thanking you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Did you send them? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Yea, they'll be there tomorrow afternoon, two o'clock. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Tomorrow afternoon? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Tomorrow afternoon? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tomorrow afternoon? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I told you to send them express. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> W-well it was ten dollars cheaper in the afternoon than the morning, I figured what the hell's the difference. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So what did you do about the window? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> I gotta fix your window now? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> All right all right. Goodbye. (Morty hangs up the phone, Jack hangs up the phone) I don't think we are gonna make that flight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> W-what do you mean you're not making the flight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We have to make the flight, we're with a charter group. If we don't the trip is off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well what's the difference we'll go some place else. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry annoyed walks toward his room) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Some place else? What about Paris? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You don't understand, I've come this far, I can't stop now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I can't believe that you're doing all this just to sell some stupid raincoats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You don't understand fashion is cyclical this thing could come back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I think you're out of your mind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Costanza House) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I just don't understand how all those clothes can disappear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Moths? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Moths, ate three boxes? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well you know what happens with larvae hatch, they-they're everywhere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> You know, I was thinking today. I never liked those Seinfelds anyway, he's an idiot all together. (Knocking at the door) Ah there's Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b> (Estelle goes to answer the door) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (from outside) Hello? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Hello <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle opens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle hello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Hope you're hungry. (goes into the kitchen) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooo Paella <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey uh let me take you're coat. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (giving George his coat) Oh ya thanks buddy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> That shirt, where'd you get that shirt? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wha? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> That's my cabana shirt, you stole my shirt you son of a bitch! (really fast) George you let your friends go up in my attic and steal my clothes? (grabbing at the shirt) Gimme that back <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (trying to get away) woah <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dad?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (laughs as Frank ends up tickling him; gets away) I bought it from Rudy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Rudy?! That skunk, I knew he didn't burn those clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Who's Rudy? What clothes? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I sold your clothes yesterday. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You sold my clothes (smacks George on the forehead) what do you mean you sold my clothes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't think you wore them anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> It's cruise wear! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Kramer, I love that shirt. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yaya <b> </b><b> FRANK </b><b> THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MINE!! </b> <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> You look just like Frank, on our honeymoon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, well, thank you. <b> </b> (Estelle giggles) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Who's this Rudy? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well Rudy's the guy buying Morty's raincoats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Mory Seinfeld? He's a bum. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, the whole deal going down tomorrow. Morty's gonna miss his plane for it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Missing his plane? Wasn't that a charter flight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yea. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What happens to charter tickets when you don't use em? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I suppose they are wasted. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes I suppose they are. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Tomorrow I'm going straight down to this Rudy and get my clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A mouse! <b> </b> (Frank starts making noises; Kramer and Frank both run to the other room where they get stuff in between the door and wall; Frank hits Kramer to get him in then closes the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (Jerry and George enter) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You want the tickets? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're gonna take this kid to Paris? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey I get a free trip to Paris, I go in the Big Brother's Hall-of-Fame, I mail my own postcards. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know I'm paying for these tickets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's alright, I got lunch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Airport) <b> </b> (Kramer, Morty and Jerry standing at a luggage carousel) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you should have gone to the Costanzas' for dinner. Mmm the Payaya was magnificent. Have you ever had really good Paella? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Not really. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh it's a orgiastic feast for the senses. The want and the festival, the sites, sounds, and colors an mmmummumm mumm <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Dad are you sure we are at the right carousel? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> This is it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So how much are we gonna make? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Take it easy, I've been through a million of these negotiations. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wha two thousand? Three thousand? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> That's giving it away. This is a one of a kind item. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> More? More than three thousand? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Just watch me do my thing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Say Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting on the carousel next to an open box) isn't that one of yours? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Look at this. Look at how this idiot packed it. He didn't tape it, he just flipped the flaps. (Kramer, Morty and Jerry are looking around grabbing raincoats which are scattered all over the place.) Kramer you missed a couple. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Bon-jour, welcome to the Gateway to Paris Charter Flight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (turns around noticing the Charter flight) Dad isn't that your charter group? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Joey enter the scene getting in line for the Charter Flight) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Honesty, hard-work, these are the values that I was raised on. The most important thing Joey, is to be able to look yourself in the mirror before you go to sleep at night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEY </b> Hey! I got news for you four eyes, there's no way you're staying with us in Paris. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Joey walks by George to board the plane and puts his Gum on the wall.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Rudy's Antique Boutique) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You burned them? Those clothes are not yours to burn. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Who are you anyways? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I'm the father. <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> He said his father was dead. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> He said I was dead? <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> That's right. Squeezed an extra twenty-five dollars out of me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> That's what my life is worth to him? Twenty-five dollars. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer and Morty enter with a bunch of raincoats) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Frank! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Oh, I just want to you know I'm retracting our dinner invitation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well you don't have to retract it because we never went. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I'm retracting that it was ever offered. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I retract your retraction. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Oh, you trying to unload some of that junk of yours? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Would you excuse me please, we're conducting business here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> You can keep your raincoats. I'm not interested. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought we had a deal? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> That's another one of my shirts!! <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> I'm not buying anymore clothes from anyone off the street. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Who's off the street? I'm in the raincoat business for thirty-five years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Ya how do I know there aren't moths like his stuff? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> My clothes don't have moths! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Because of his moths you're not buying my raincoats? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (laughing) I'm all ticklish. (a moth flies out of his shirt; they all look at it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Airport) <b> </b> (Morty and Helen with a couple bags; Jerry, Elaine and Aaron saying good-bye) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNOUNCEMENT </b> Flight-433 now boarding for Miami, Gate 18a. Flight-433 now boarding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Ok, let's go. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (to Aaron) It was so nice of you to come to the airport to see us off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> Are you sure you can't stay a little longer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE &amp; JERRY </b><b> NO. </b> <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Ah, good-bye. <b> </b> (Jerry hugs Morty; Helen and Elaine give each other a kiss) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Good-bye <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Take care <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Alright Jer. <b> </b> (Morty and Elaine hug; Jerry and Helen give each other a kiss) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nice to see.. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Buh bye Elaine <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Buh bye. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Buh bye. <b> </b> (Aaron torn by emotion moves in and gives Morty and Helen a hug a hug) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (looking at Jerry while being overly hugged by Aaron) We'll call you when we get home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think she meant me, but. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Make sure Kramer uses good tape when he sends back the raincoats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok. <b> </b> (Morty and Helen go to board the plane) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bye. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bye. <b> </b> (Aaron begins to follow them) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aaron? Aaron are you ok? <b> </b><b> AARON </b> I could've done more. I could've done so much more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You did enough. <b> </b><b> AARON </b> (turning toward her) No, I could've called the travel agency, got them on another flight to Paris, I coulda got them out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You tried Aaron, it was too expensive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> (holds his arm up) This watch, this watch could've paid for their whole trip. (holds his other hand up) This ring, this ring is one more dinner I could've taken them out to. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other like he's crazy) Water, they need some water (turns around and runs to the Flight Agent) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> AARON </b> (to the Flight Agent) They'll get dehydrated on the plane! Get the Seinfelds some water. Please! Please! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine continue to look at him funny) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Rachel's Parents' Place) <b> </b> (Jerry knocks on the door; Mr. Goldstein answers) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Mr. Goldstein is Rachel home? <b> </b><b> MR. GOLDSTEIN </b> I'm afraid Rachel's not going to be able to see you tonight, or any other night for that matter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why what did I do? <b> </b><b> MR. GOLDSTEIN </b> (Rachel is know seen behind her Dad) You know very well. I heard about your behavior at the movies the other night it was disgraceful. You should be ashamed of yourself, I for one will not allow my daughter to be involved with someone of such weak moral fiber. Fortunately my postman happened to have witnessed the entire incident. A heavy set fellow, I believe he lives in your building. (Jerry turns to almost do a 'Newman') Now if you don't mind. (starts to close the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Rachel! <b> </b><b> MR. GOLDSTEIN </b> (closing the door on Jerry) Good night! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Rachel! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine at the normal booth) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So my parents get home, they open the door, my father flicks the light on, the whole place is cleaned out, everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aahh, (pushes Jerry from her seat at the table) Get Out! How did it happen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The broken window, Klompus never fixed it. They just walked right in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oohh, boy. They could use a vacation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yea they're taking one, the travel agent is trying to set something else up for them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sighs) So how about that Aaron? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Whew <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know what drove me crazy about him? Did you ever notice that he stood too close to you when he talked? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I hadn't noticed. <b> </b> (Newman enters and walks by the table; Jerry doesn't notice him as he is getting something out of his coat pocket) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (at the counter) Pair of bear claws please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (hearing Newman turns and sees him) Hiya Newman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (moving away from the counter getting closer to the door) Hello Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Say, I happened to catch you coming out of Schindler's List the other night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Ohh, were you there? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes I was. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (looking scared) I-it's a it's a...powerful film. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, shocking brutality don't you think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (couple quick breaths) Shocking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, well that was nothing. <b> </b> (Newman makes a noise and takes off toward the door as Jerry gets up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (running out the door) Jerry! Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry chases Newman right out the door) <b> </b><b> </b> (Paris) <b> </b> (George is sitting at an outside eatery in France with Joey) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where the hell is your father?! <b> </b> (George smiles and waves at a girl sitting at another table; Joey puts some stuff on George's glasses) <b> </b><b> </b> (Cruise ship out in the Ocean) <b> </b> (Estelle and Frank walking around on the boat) <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> This is the best thing we ever did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I just hope those exterminators know what they're doing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Ah forget about them let's just... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Frank and Estelle run into Morty and Helen) <b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> Personal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal distance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna be about six feet back don't you? Because people a little edgy around that ATM don't they? They got their money out, their eyes are darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six feet away is Urinals, you want some distance there too. ATMs and Urinals, I guess whenever someone's taking valuable out of their pants you want to give them as much room as possible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Raincoats Part 1 Script

1994-04-28

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE RAINCOATS PART 2 </b> Written by Tom Gammill, Max Pross, Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (Morty and Jerry are sitting at his table; Kramer is standing next to Morty; Helen is getting the fold out sofa ready to sleep) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So how'd you come up with the idea for the belt-less trench coat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I came home one night, and I tripped over one of Jerry's toys. (Jerry smiling points to himself and nods with cards in his hands) So I took out my belt just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How serendipitous. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So that night I cut off the loops and the Executive was born. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mmm <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He also came up with an idea for a brimless rain-hat but that never materialized. (to Morty) Alright come on let's play. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Did you call Jack Klompus yet? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I haven't been able to reach him. Hey I'll call him right now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah come on. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Just a second. (Goes to grab the phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry have you seen Schindler's List? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I haven't seen it yet. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh you have to go you have to <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm going <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You have to <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (on the phone) Hello Jack. <b> </b> (Jack in Florida) <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Ya <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> It's Morty <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Who died? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Nobody died. Jack I want you to do me a big favor. (Jerry holding up some cards looking at his father) In my garage there are a couple of boxes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> What boxes? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'm gonna explain what boxes. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Alright how the hell do I know? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Anyway there are these three big boxes, you can't miss them. I want you to ship them here to New York for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> I thought you're going to Paris <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'm still going to Paris. I got a big deal cooking here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> What's in the boxes? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Raincoats. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Raincoats? (Doris sighs) You think you're gonna sell those old crappy raincoats? That's garbage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I guarantee you Doris is not letting him mail those boxes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> When do you want these? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Send them tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Costanza House) <b> </b> (George, Estelle and Frank are sitting at the table for breakfast all still in what they slept in) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> You think they're coming tonight? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I dunno they said maybe. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Of course they're coming, they're leaving soon. If they don't come tonight they might not see us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Well they better come, I got all this Paella. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I admire Morty and Helen going to France. We should take a trip, maybe a cruise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes a cruise, a long cruise, just the two of you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Georgie what were you doing poking around the attic last night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I-I wasn't in the attic. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I heard noise. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe it was a mouse. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (jumping to his feet) OK that's it! We're moving! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I will not tolerate infestation. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You haven't even seen one. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Don't you understand the very thought, the very idea, I'll never be comfortable again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> All right Frank that's enough. <b> </b> (Frank sits back down) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Rudy's Antique Boutique) <b> </b> (Rudy is checking out the clothes) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I guess I've been hanging on to them for so long cuz i couldn't accept the fact that Dad was really gone forever (hugs a piece of clothing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Uh huh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They will get a good home won't they? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Look I gotta be honest with you there's nothing here too spectacular. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh I beg to differ. My father took great pride in his appearance, he was a very handsome man, a Casanova really. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> I'll give you uh two-hundred dollars for the three boxes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Could you make it two-twenty-five that was his hi-game in bowling. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Yea I'm in a good mood here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thank you. <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, George what are you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, I'm just selling some of Dad's things, (looking into Kramer's eyes) that's what he would have wanted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I gotcha (clicks) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (leaving) That'll do. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh hey guess what. Morty Seinfeld and I are going into business together, selling raincoats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey that's swell. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yea we worked it out all over dinner last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dinner? (grabs Kramer) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ya. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You had dinner with the Seinfelds? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yea, last night. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Was this something you had planned for a while? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No it was a spur of the moment. Well you know Morty likes to fly by the seat of his vintage pants. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (hurriedly leaves Rudy's) They had plans, They had plans! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oooo, boy I've never seen these before (looking at the clothes George just sold Rudy) <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Well they just came in, part of my spring-time cruise collection. Two for twenty-five dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh I'll take these. <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> All right <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, remember this raincoat that you sold me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Sure that's the Executive. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ya, you have any others? <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> I wish. They don't make 'em anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Suppose I told you I had fifty in mint condition, would you be interested? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Very interested <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Cuz they're coming in from Florida as we speak. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Well bring 'em in. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So you'll buy them? <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> I don't see what would possibly stop me. <b> </b><b> </b> (Out of one of the boxes George sold Rudy flies a couple of moths as the scene ends) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Aaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa (finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans huh? They were busy. They were busy with their (doing a little dance to make the plans seem all that important) big plans! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mom and Pop Seinfeld <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right I happen to know what they did last night, they had dinner with Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh they were tired it was a last minute thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what's the deal they don't want to have dinner with my parents? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is there something wrong with my parents? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Absolutely <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because my parents happen to be two pretty wonderful people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> These the people you currently live with? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh huh <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So are they coming tonight or not? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look I really don't know what they're plans are. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ok, fine. It's going to be very interesting, very interesting if they don't show up tonight. You know my mother made all this Paella. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that anyway? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a Spanish dish. It's a mélange of fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I-I'll tell 'em <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey could you do one other thing for me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Name it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think your parents would have any objections to taking a little kid to Paris with them? (Jerry looks at him confused) It turns out that the kid's father lives in Paris. (chuckling) Is that a coincidence? (Jerry smiles) Eh you know Alec wants me to take him over there so I figure as long as they're going (claps) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you thought as long as they're mailing postcards, it wouldn't be too much to ask my parents to drag a child who they've never seen, through the streets of Paris? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pause) All right if you think it's too much they don't have to mail the postcards. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Office) <b> </b> (Elaine at her desk; Joanna standing near the door) <b> </b><b> JOANNE </b> So where's he taking you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well first we're going to a matinee, I'm taking the afternoon off, we're gonna go see "My Fair Lady" and they we are gonna go to dinner. He knows all these fantastic places. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOANNE </b> You are one lucky girl. (Elaine laughs in happiness) Wish I could find a nice guy. (Joanne goes to leave; Aaron enters) Hi Aaron. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> (getting up in Aaron's face) Hey Joanne. (turns to Elaine and goes over to her) Hey <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (already out from behind her desk goes to Aaron) Hi <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine and Aaron kiss) <b> </b> (Enter Helen) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Hello, Hello. <b> </b> (Enter Morty) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hello Elaine <b> </b> (Morty gives Elaine a kiss; Elaine is in shock) <b> </b><b> AARON </b> I was able to finagle two more tickets to "My Fair Lady" and I thought why not ask Morty and Helen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Great. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (looking around) This is some office. What's the square footage? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You don't mind to you Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mind? Oh o-of course not. <b> </b><b> AARON </b> We can make a whole day of it. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> This is some building, Harry Fleming used to have an office here. There was a deli on the first floor. You don't get corned beef like that anymore. What happened to that deli? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (somewhat annoyed) I really don't know Mr. Seinfeld <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Collection of Scenes with the music and singing from "My Fair Lady" over them. First the matinée where we see (from left to right) Helen, Morty, Elaine and Aaron. Morty opens a candy bar takes a bite then offers it to Elaine then Aaron who takes it as the scene changes to the Cafe 123. At the restaurant we see (from left to right) Morty, Elaine, Helen and Aaron. Morty is pointing at a painting while talking to Elaine then takes off his glasses. Next George is seen getting ready to hop into a cab when Morty, Elaine, Aaron and Helen ride by in a horse drawn carriage (Handsome Cab) drinking champagne. George then smacks the top of the cab in disgust) <b> </b> (song from "My Fair Lady") "I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night, and still have begged for more. I could have spread my wings, and done a thousand things, I've never done before. I never know what made it so exciting, but all at once my heart would fly" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry and Rachel making out on Jerry's couch) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (stopping them) We better not. (they make out some more; then stop) T-They're gonna be here any second. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> When are they leaving? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In two days. <b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> It's been soo long. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know. <b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Ok, it's only two more days. <b> </b> (They both run their hands through their hair) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right, Thursday three o'clock. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (from outside the door; singing) I could have danced all night (entering with Helen) I could have danced all night and still have <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Ooh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh Hi. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We didn't know you had company. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (tucking in his shirt) Oh ya this is Rachel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> HELEN &amp; MORTY </b> Hello Rachel. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Uh we'll come back another time. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What other time? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Whenever <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where you goin'? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Uh we'll drive around for a while. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't have a car. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> We'll take a bus. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on stop. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> No we don't mind <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'll get a book. <b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> No no it's ok, I was just leaving anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> O-oh are you sure? <b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Yea. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Cuz we don't wann.. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (interrupting) No no it's ok. (walking Rachel out) So we'll go see Schindler's List later right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Definitely <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok.Uh <b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> (going out the door) It's night meeting you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Nice meeting you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok, see you later. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Boy that was some show. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What show? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> "My Fair Lady" <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When did you get tickets to see that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Aaron surprised us, and Elaine came. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh (laughing) Elaine really? Well that sounds interesting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> We saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He looks better on TV. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh <b> </b> (Phone rings) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (answering phone) Hello? <b> </b> (Jack Klompus in Florida) <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Hello Jerry, <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yea. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> It's Jack Klompus. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh hi Jack. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> So when are you coming down to Florida again? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> As soon as is humanly possible. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> You know I still got that pen, the one that writes upside down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yea yea ya I shoulda kept it. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> So uh where's your father? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya he's right here. <b> </b> (Jerry hands Morty the phone) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Yea <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Morty, listen I can't get into the garage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> There is something wrong with the key. The key doesn't work <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You gotta jiggle it a little bit. I jiggled it. I jiggled it for fifteen minutes. <b> </b><b> </b> (Doris enters the scene with Jack) <b> </b><b> DORIS </b> Tell him to come down here and get his own packages. You have nothing better to do then worry about his boxes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You gotta pull on the knob as you turn it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> Get the hell outta here with your knob. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DORIS </b> What does he want from you? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> My idiot son could open that garage door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did I do? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Just do it first thing tomorrow. I need it. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jack is seen hanging up his phone) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> They'll be here first thing Thursday morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Thursday morning? You know we're leaving at three o'clock. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (in a hurry) Yea you're leaving at three o'clock. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> How are you gonna get all this done in time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Don't worry about it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (in a hurry) Ya how you gonna get all this done in time? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Costanza House) <b> </b> (George, Estelle and Frank all standing in the kitchen) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They were drinking champagne in a buggy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> First Kramer, then Elaine? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yea <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> It's a slap in the face. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> (with her arms out in wonder) What did we ever do to them? (George puts his arms out and imitates Estelle as she moves her arms up and down as she speaks) I want to know what we did them! <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> What are they too good for us? A raincoat salesman, I could buy and sell 'em like that. <b> </b><b> </b> (Frank leaves the kitchen and moves into the living room) <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> The hell with them. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (in the threshold between the living room and the kitchen) The thing that bothers me the most, is the lying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Estelle move their way into the living room) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Let's forget about it. We're going on a beautiful vacation. (sits down in his chair) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (sitting down) Vacation? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You're mother and I are planning on taking a cruise. <b> </b><b> </b> (Estelle is already sitting next to George on the couch) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (claps all happy) AH! (half hugs Estelle) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> But I can't find any vacation clothes. They were in the attic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The attic? Y-you haven't wore any of those clothes for years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> How can I go on a cruise with out my cabana wear? I love those, those clothes. (Looks down yells) AH! (jumps out of his chair) A mouse! I saw a mouse! (takes off into another room with glass doors on it and shuts the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (picking up what Frank saw as a mouse) It's the remote. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> (looking from the room; you can see him through the glass) Where the hell are my clothes? I love those clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Ally outside Rudy's) <b> </b> (Rudy has a gasoline bottle and is burning some clothes) <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Lousy moth ridden crap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Median Monologue) <b> </b> I-I-I'm not crazy about used clothes. I mean they call it vintage, you know to take your mind off of what it really is 'nasty wear.' Oh it's clean you know people wear underwear, ya well they don't wear iron underwear and that's what it's gonna take to get me in those clothes. I mean I'll move into an apartment after a strange person moves out, why would I wanna move into somebody's pants? There is no vintage underwear of course, but it's not because the guy couldn't sell his underwear, it's because men wear their underwear until it absolutely disintegrates. Men hang on to underwear until, until each individual underwear molecule is so strained it can barely retain the properties of a solid. It actually becomes underwear vapor. W-we don't even throw it out, we just open a window and it goes out like dandelion spoors. That's how men throw out underwear we just go (blows on the mic) and it's gone that it is jus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Schindler's List) <b> </b> (Schindler's List is playing as Jerry and Rachel are making out. Newman is then seen disgusted by this display) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (Jerry Enters; Morty and Helen are sitting at the table with a map out) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hey, Jerry. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> So how was the movie? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, really good, really good. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> And didn't the three hours go by just like that (snaps her fingers) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like that (snaps his fingers) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What about the end, with the list? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya that was some list. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> What did you think about the black and white? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (confused) The black and white. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> The whole movie was in black and white. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yea, I didn't even realize. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You don't even think about it, there's so much going on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya ya, I tell ya I could see it again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Rudy's Antique Boutique) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So Klompus has the key, but the jerk couldn't open it up. All you gotta do it jiggle it (has is hand out jiggling) jus get it in there (jiggling making a bunch of noises) jigg jigg jiggle reiggle <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Look, I find this whole thing very uninteresting. When you get the coats come in. <b> </b><b> </b> KRAMER; Ya hey I'm on your side. <b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey what again? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm trying to buy some of the clothes back. (realizing something) Hey you wanna come over for dinner tonight? My mother made all this extra Paella. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Payaya, ya I'll be there. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Apparently the Seinfelds' are too good for us. I shouldn't say anything bad about your uh your partner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No no you know we're not partners. I only get twenty-five percent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Twenty-five percent? It was your idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yap I know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're doing all the leg work. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's right <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's ripping you off <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You're right he's ripping me off <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If anybody should be getting more it's you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's ripping me off <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well don't let him take advantage of you like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> YAH! (exits) <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> (coming out of the back-room noticing George) Oh it's you? You're the one who sold me the moth ridden cabana crap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (Morty coming out of the bathroom) <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You know I've been thinking, why is Kramer getting twenty-five percent? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well he told you about the place. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So what, why is that worth twenty-five percent? It's a finders fee. You know what a finders fee is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You find something you get a fee. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Finder's fee is ten percent and no more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well it's too late now. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Those are my coats. I saved them, I stored them, I've been waiting years for this pay off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well you're not gonna say anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I've been thinking about something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Ya so have I <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ahh! I don't think the deal is fair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You don't think it's fair. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No no, I found the place, I set the whole thing up, I'm doing all the leg work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What leg work? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, there's leg work. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> If anything you're getting too much. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Too much?! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> That's right, they're my coats. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look I want thirty-five percent. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I'm thinking more like fifteen. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No way I'm taking fifteen. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well you're not getting thirty-five. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright let's compromise. Twenty-five percent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Ok it's a deal <b> </b> (They shack hands.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Rudy's Antique Boutique) <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Moths are a discourage to my business, all it takes is one moth to lay eggs. You know what happens to the larvae? They hatch and they're everywhere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sorry, umm he-here's your money back (gives Rudy the money back) I-I-I'll have the clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> (counting the money to make sure it's all there) It's already put a dent in my fumigation bill. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So uh where are the clothes? <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> I burned 'em. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. That's good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine sitting in the booth) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> N-I know they're your parents Jerry an' they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a thirty-five year old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean don't you find that abnormal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It is a tad askew. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've hardly been out to dinner with them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See, See, I can't even say anything you know because all he's really doing is being nice but but nobody is this nice, this is like certifiably nice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're right he's insane. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, he's insane, that's what I think. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what are you going to do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know, I don't know what to do. (sighs) Oh god.... so how was the movie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh from what I saw it was pretty good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ya what do you mean from what you saw? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I um I didn't ah actually get to see the whole movie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yea why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was kind of um (pauses) making out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (thinks for a second) You were making, out during Schindler's List? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time, it just got the better of me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> During Schindler's List? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (trying to justify it) We're both living with our parents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did anybody see you? Did anyone say anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I don't think so. I saw Newman as I was leaving but see me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> (A knock at the door prior to the reveal of Jerry's apartment; Morty is sitting at the table Helen closes the refrigerator to answer the door; Newman is revealed in his full Newman) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello Mrs. Seinfeld <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (like Jerry) Hello, Newman. Jerry's not here. (goes to shut the door on him) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Uh ah (stops her from closing the door; walks in) Having a nice trip? (walks over, grabs a junior mint, smells it then puts it in his pocket) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Wonderful, we went to the theater last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oh the theater. Because I was wondering. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Wondering what? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Why I didn't see you at Schindler's List with Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well we already saw it. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oh, well it's a good thing for Jerry that you didn't go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (getting up from the table and coming over) Why is that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well he really seemed to have his hands full if you know what I mean. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I'm afraid I don't. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Him and his little buxom friend Rachel were going at it pretty good in the balcony. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What, do I have to spell it out for ya? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers into Poland. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry was necking during Schindler's List? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yes! A more offensive spectacle I cannot recall. Anyway I just really came up to get some detergent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry sends his laundry out. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice seeing you folks and a by the way you didn't hear this from me. Tata (runs down the hallway laughing) <b> </b><b> </b> (Helen closes the door and looks at Morty in disgust) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment-Later that day) <b> </b> (Jerry enters; Morty is sitting on the couch writing, Helen is in the bathroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi (takes off his coat and puts it on the counter at which point his parents are both right by him as he goes into the refrigerator. He grabs a drink then turns around to see his parents right there) What? What did I do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> How could you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could I what? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You were making out during Schindler's List? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? No. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Don't lie Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (turns) Newman. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> How could you do such a thing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time and we just kinda started up a little during the coming attractions and the next thing we knew, the war was over. <b> </b><b> </b> (Morty and Helen both sigh and turn to go back to what they were doing; Phone rings) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (answering the phone) Hello. <b> </b> (Jack in Florida with a bandage on his right hand) <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Hello Jerry, it's Jack Klompus. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hang on a second. (handing Morty the phone) Dad it's Klompus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Hello <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Hello Morty, listen that key doesn't work. It's no good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You didn't get in? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Oh I got in, I had to break the window with a rock and then I got my hand all cut up reaching in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You broke the window? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He broke the window? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> You wanted those damn boxes didn't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DORIS </b> (off camera) He should be on his hands and knees thanking you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Did you send them? <b> </b><b> JACK </b> Yea, they'll be there tomorrow afternoon, two o'clock. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Tomorrow afternoon? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Tomorrow afternoon? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tomorrow afternoon? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I told you to send them express. <b> </b><b> JACK </b> W-well it was ten dollars cheaper in the afternoon than the morning, I figured what the hell's the difference. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So what did you do about the window? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> I gotta fix your window now? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> All right all right. Goodbye. (Morty hangs up the phone, Jack hangs up the phone) I don't think we are gonna make that flight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> W-what do you mean you're not making the flight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> We have to make the flight, we're with a charter group. If we don't the trip is off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well what's the difference we'll go some place else. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry annoyed walks toward his room) <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Some place else? What about Paris? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You don't understand, I've come this far, I can't stop now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I can't believe that you're doing all this just to sell some stupid raincoats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> You don't understand fashion is cyclical this thing could come back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I think you're out of your mind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Costanza House) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I just don't understand how all those clothes can disappear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Moths? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Moths, ate three boxes? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well you know what happens with larvae hatch, they-they're everywhere. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> You know, I was thinking today. I never liked those Seinfelds anyway, he's an idiot all together. (Knocking at the door) Ah there's Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b> (Estelle goes to answer the door) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (from outside) Hello? <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Hello <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle opens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle hello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Hope you're hungry. (goes into the kitchen) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooo Paella <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey uh let me take you're coat. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (giving George his coat) Oh ya thanks buddy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> That shirt, where'd you get that shirt? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wha? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> That's my cabana shirt, you stole my shirt you son of a bitch! (really fast) George you let your friends go up in my attic and steal my clothes? (grabbing at the shirt) Gimme that back <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (trying to get away) woah <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Dad?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (laughs as Frank ends up tickling him; gets away) I bought it from Rudy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Rudy?! That skunk, I knew he didn't burn those clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Who's Rudy? What clothes? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I sold your clothes yesterday. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You sold my clothes (smacks George on the forehead) what do you mean you sold my clothes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't think you wore them anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> It's cruise wear! <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Kramer, I love that shirt. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yaya <b> </b><b> FRANK </b><b> THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MINE!! </b> <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> You look just like Frank, on our honeymoon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, well, thank you. <b> </b> (Estelle giggles) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Who's this Rudy? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well Rudy's the guy buying Morty's raincoats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Mory Seinfeld? He's a bum. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, the whole deal going down tomorrow. Morty's gonna miss his plane for it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Missing his plane? Wasn't that a charter flight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yea. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What happens to charter tickets when you don't use em? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well I suppose they are wasted. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes I suppose they are. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Tomorrow I'm going straight down to this Rudy and get my clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A mouse! <b> </b> (Frank starts making noises; Kramer and Frank both run to the other room where they get stuff in between the door and wall; Frank hits Kramer to get him in then closes the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (Jerry and George enter) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You want the tickets? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're gonna take this kid to Paris? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey I get a free trip to Paris, I go in the Big Brother's Hall-of-Fame, I mail my own postcards. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know I'm paying for these tickets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's alright, I got lunch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Airport) <b> </b> (Kramer, Morty and Jerry standing at a luggage carousel) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you should have gone to the Costanzas' for dinner. Mmm the Payaya was magnificent. Have you ever had really good Paella? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Not really. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh it's a orgiastic feast for the senses. The want and the festival, the sites, sounds, and colors an mmmummumm mumm <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Dad are you sure we are at the right carousel? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> This is it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So how much are we gonna make? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Take it easy, I've been through a million of these negotiations. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wha two thousand? Three thousand? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> That's giving it away. This is a one of a kind item. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> More? More than three thousand? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Just watch me do my thing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Say Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting on the carousel next to an open box) isn't that one of yours? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Look at this. Look at how this idiot packed it. He didn't tape it, he just flipped the flaps. (Kramer, Morty and Jerry are looking around grabbing raincoats which are scattered all over the place.) Kramer you missed a couple. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Bon-jour, welcome to the Gateway to Paris Charter Flight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (turns around noticing the Charter flight) Dad isn't that your charter group? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George and Joey enter the scene getting in line for the Charter Flight) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Honesty, hard-work, these are the values that I was raised on. The most important thing Joey, is to be able to look yourself in the mirror before you go to sleep at night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOEY </b> Hey! I got news for you four eyes, there's no way you're staying with us in Paris. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Joey walks by George to board the plane and puts his Gum on the wall.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Rudy's Antique Boutique) <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> You burned them? Those clothes are not yours to burn. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Who are you anyways? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I'm the father. <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> He said his father was dead. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> He said I was dead? <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> That's right. Squeezed an extra twenty-five dollars out of me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> That's what my life is worth to him? Twenty-five dollars. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer and Morty enter with a bunch of raincoats) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Frank! <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Oh, I just want to you know I'm retracting our dinner invitation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well you don't have to retract it because we never went. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I'm retracting that it was ever offered. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> I retract your retraction. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Oh, you trying to unload some of that junk of yours? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Would you excuse me please, we're conducting business here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> You can keep your raincoats. I'm not interested. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought we had a deal? <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> That's another one of my shirts!! <b> </b><b> RUDY </b> I'm not buying anymore clothes from anyone off the street. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Who's off the street? I'm in the raincoat business for thirty-five years. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> Ya how do I know there aren't moths like his stuff? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> My clothes don't have moths! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Because of his moths you're not buying my raincoats? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RUDY </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (laughing) I'm all ticklish. (a moth flies out of his shirt; they all look at it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Airport) <b> </b> (Morty and Helen with a couple bags; Jerry, Elaine and Aaron saying good-bye) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNOUNCEMENT </b> Flight-433 now boarding for Miami, Gate 18a. Flight-433 now boarding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Ok, let's go. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (to Aaron) It was so nice of you to come to the airport to see us off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> Are you sure you can't stay a little longer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE &amp; JERRY </b><b> NO. </b> <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Ah, good-bye. <b> </b> (Jerry hugs Morty; Helen and Elaine give each other a kiss) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Good-bye <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Take care <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Alright Jer. <b> </b> (Morty and Elaine hug; Jerry and Helen give each other a kiss) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nice to see.. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Buh bye Elaine <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Buh bye. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Buh bye. <b> </b> (Aaron torn by emotion moves in and gives Morty and Helen a hug a hug) <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (looking at Jerry while being overly hugged by Aaron) We'll call you when we get home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> Thank you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think she meant me, but. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Make sure Kramer uses good tape when he sends back the raincoats. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok. <b> </b> (Morty and Helen go to board the plane) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bye. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bye. <b> </b> (Aaron begins to follow them) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aaron? Aaron are you ok? <b> </b><b> AARON </b> I could've done more. I could've done so much more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You did enough. <b> </b><b> AARON </b> (turning toward her) No, I could've called the travel agency, got them on another flight to Paris, I coulda got them out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You tried Aaron, it was too expensive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> AARON </b> (holds his arm up) This watch, this watch could've paid for their whole trip. (holds his other hand up) This ring, this ring is one more dinner I could've taken them out to. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other like he's crazy) Water, they need some water (turns around and runs to the Flight Agent) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> AARON </b> (to the Flight Agent) They'll get dehydrated on the plane! Get the Seinfelds some water. Please! Please! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine continue to look at him funny) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Rachel's Parents' Place) <b> </b> (Jerry knocks on the door; Mr. Goldstein answers) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Mr. Goldstein is Rachel home? <b> </b><b> MR. GOLDSTEIN </b> I'm afraid Rachel's not going to be able to see you tonight, or any other night for that matter. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why what did I do? <b> </b><b> MR. GOLDSTEIN </b> (Rachel is know seen behind her Dad) You know very well. I heard about your behavior at the movies the other night it was disgraceful. You should be ashamed of yourself, I for one will not allow my daughter to be involved with someone of such weak moral fiber. Fortunately my postman happened to have witnessed the entire incident. A heavy set fellow, I believe he lives in your building. (Jerry turns to almost do a 'Newman') Now if you don't mind. (starts to close the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Rachel! <b> </b><b> MR. GOLDSTEIN </b> (closing the door on Jerry) Good night! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Rachel! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine at the normal booth) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So my parents get home, they open the door, my father flicks the light on, the whole place is cleaned out, everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aahh, (pushes Jerry from her seat at the table) Get Out! How did it happen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The broken window, Klompus never fixed it. They just walked right in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oohh, boy. They could use a vacation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yea they're taking one, the travel agent is trying to set something else up for them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sighs) So how about that Aaron? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Whew <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know what drove me crazy about him? Did you ever notice that he stood too close to you when he talked? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No I hadn't noticed. <b> </b> (Newman enters and walks by the table; Jerry doesn't notice him as he is getting something out of his coat pocket) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (at the counter) Pair of bear claws please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (hearing Newman turns and sees him) Hiya Newman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (moving away from the counter getting closer to the door) Hello Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Say, I happened to catch you coming out of Schindler's List the other night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Ohh, were you there? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes I was. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (looking scared) I-it's a it's a...powerful film. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, shocking brutality don't you think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (couple quick breaths) Shocking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, well that was nothing. <b> </b> (Newman makes a noise and takes off toward the door as Jerry gets up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (running out the door) Jerry! Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry chases Newman right out the door) <b> </b><b> </b> (Paris) <b> </b> (George is sitting at an outside eatery in France with Joey) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where the hell is your father?! <b> </b> (George smiles and waves at a girl sitting at another table; Joey puts some stuff on George's glasses) <b> </b><b> </b> (Cruise ship out in the Ocean) <b> </b> (Estelle and Frank walking around on the boat) <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> This is the best thing we ever did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> I just hope those exterminators know what they're doing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Ah forget about them let's just... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Frank and Estelle run into Morty and Helen) <b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> Personal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal distance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna be about six feet back don't you? Because people a little edgy around that ATM don't they? They got their money out, their eyes are darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six feet away is Urinals, you want some distance there too. ATMs and Urinals, I guess whenever someone's taking valuable out of their pants you want to give them as much room as possible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Raincoats Part 2 Script

1994-05-05

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE FIRE </b> Written by Larry Charles <b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there...you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it...you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.' <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine, Kramer, and Kramer's excitable girlfriend Toby in Elaine's office at Pendant. They're looking at proofs for Kramer's "coffee table book about coffee tables." <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> These are great! Just great! Really great! Really, really great! Don't you think so, Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, really great. <b> </b><b> TOBY </b> A coffee table book about coffee tables! (To Kramer) How did you come up with this idea? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It was there! <b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Oh, look at this one! It's saying, 'I'm a coffee table, put some coffee on me! Oh, the hotter the better, that's what I'm here for!' (laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Actually, I've got some work I gotta do, so... <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, how about if the book came with these little fold-out legs...so the book itself becomes a coffee table? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Ohhh, that is a great idea! Really, really great! <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Jerry in Jerry's apartment later that day. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 'And that coffee table is saying, put some coffee on me!' I'd like to put some coffee on her. Hot, scalding coffee - right in her face! I swear! This is like working with a contestant from "The Price Is Right"! (demonstrates) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's real interesting. Elaine, listen, tell me if you think this is funny - (reads comedy he's written) "Men definitely hit the remote more than women...men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV. Women want to see what the show is before they change the channel, because men hunt and women nest." <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, it's funny, I dunno. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't know? Come on, that's gold! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I don't know about "gold." <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, that's gold, baby. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 'Baby'? What, are you doing George now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was saying 'baby' way before George! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I don't know, don't ask me any more questions about jokes, Jerry, it puts too much pressure on me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, this guy Leonard Christian's gonna be there tomorrow night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, who's he? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's a writer from Entertainment Weekly. I would like to have a good show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Danke schoen, my little dumplings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, how about that Toby, huh? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, how about her? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooh, she's a package full of energy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, she's a package full of something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And that something is life. Jerry, you gotta meet this gal - she's brimmin' with positivity! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, pleeeeease. (moves to the living room and sits down) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, are you performing tomorrow night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Great, I'm gonna bring Toby. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you better laugh 'cause I'm being reviewed. Leonard Christian's gonna be there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, she's a great laugher - right, Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah, she's a great laugher, Jerry. (imitates Toby) Really, really great! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you want to sit with George? I think he's coming with Robin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Is that the waitress from the comedy club? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about her kid, is she bringing him, too? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She's got a kid? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, you should see George get along with this kid! <b> </b><b> </b> George and Robin in a booth at the coffee shop. Robin's kid is under the table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ow! What are you doing under there? Hey, stop that! Don't eat that! That's not food! (to Robin) He's suckin' down Equal packets! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> Do you think 25 kids is too much? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 25 kids for his birthday party? (to kid under table) Don't put your tongue on the floor! He's putting his tongue on the floor! Here, here, have some more sugar packets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> So, what about entertainment? (to kid) Should I get Barney? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KID </b> No Barney! <b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> Maybe a clown. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How about Bozo? <b> </b><b> KID </b> Who's Bozo? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who's Bozo? Bozo the Clown, that's who Bozo is. When I was a kid, Bozo the Clown was the clown, bar none. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> George... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> With the orange hair, and the big clown shirt with the ruffles... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> George... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And the TV show! He had cartoons! <b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> George! Forget Bozo, George. Bozo's out. He's finished. It's over for Bozo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, when I was a kid, we didn't have these elaborate birthday parties with catered food and entertainment. I remember my 7th birthday party... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Blow out the candles! Blow out the candles, I said! Blow out the damn candles! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Stop it, Frank! You're killing him! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> Well, this time, you can blow out the candles. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nah, I have asthma. (Robin's kid grabs George's leg from under the table, and George struggles.) <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine in her office at work. Toby enters. <b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Hi! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, Toby. <b> </b><b> TOBY </b> How are you doing today? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Fine... (Toby sits and waits for Elaine to speak.) How are you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Oh, I'm great! Just great. Really great! Oh, hey - did you hear about Bob Rosen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nope. <b> </b><b> TOBY </b> He is going to Knopp. He is going to be a vice president. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Knopp? Really? Boy. That means there's an opening here for senior editor...has Lippman, uh, hired anyone? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> No. I hear he wants to promote someone in-house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really! <b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Maybe it'll be you! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh...well... <b> </b><b> TOBY </b> You really deserve it. I mean, you have experience, seniority...Lippman really respects your opinion... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well! Well, it could be you. <b> </b><b> TOBY </b> No... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, really. <b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Really? You think so? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Boy, wouldn't that be exciting! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean, stranger things have happened... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Wow! Me! A senior editor! (deadly serious) I'd like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you shouldn't get your hopes up, Toby. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Well, it's a possibility, like you said! Stranger things have happened! Thank you, Elaine. Thank you. (Exits.) <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Ronnie the Prop Comic backstage at the comedy club. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Ronnie. (To bartender) Can I have a club soda? (To Ronnie) Goin' on tonight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RONNIE </b> Yeah. You? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> RONNIE </b> You know Leonard Christian's here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I know. <b> </b><b> RONNIE </b> Can I ask you something? Are my nostrils getting bigger? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't...think so. <b> </b><b> RONNIE </b> Are you sure? Take a good look. They seem a little bigger? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't...I dunno. <b> </b><b> RONNIE </b> Is it possible for nostrils to expand? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, is this a bit? <b> </b><b> RONNIE </b> Hey, I don't do "bits." I'm a prop comic. Dammit, I can't find my water gun. I can't go on without my water gun. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer and Toby enter.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Jerry. Toby, this is Jerry. <b> </b><b> TOBY </b> This is so exciting! Look, I have goosebumps! (To Jerry) Touch! Touch them! (Jerry touches her arm. Toby screeches with excitement.) I've never been to a comedy club before! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really! You know, a lot of restaurants are serving brewed decaf now, too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> You are so funny! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you'll have a good time, I swear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Oh! He swears like he thinks I don't believe him. I believe you. I believe you! Oh, he's so funny! (laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What about me? <b> </b><b> TOBY </b> What about you? (laughs) I'm only kidding. You're funny, too. I love to laugh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good, good. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So, you up next? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, why don't you guys get a table so you'll have good seats? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Oh yeah, we don't want some jerk sitting in front of us, it'll be like, 'Hey, big head, can you move out of the way? I didn't pay a cover charge to stare at your bald spot.' (laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, so you have a good show, huh buddy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Oh, have a great show. Hey, we'll make sure it's a great show! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> O.k., good, I'll see you later. (Kramer and Toby are about to exit. She turns around and clutches Kramer's jacket.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Oh, he's so great! This is so great! I'm so excited! <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to Jerry on stage. Toby and Kramer are sitting in the audience near the front. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Men definitely hit the remote button more than women... <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Oh, really! Really! That is so true! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, yeah...see, men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on <b> TV. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Yes! Yes! Right on! Right on! (Other audience members give her puzzled looks.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See...women really want to see what the show is before they change the channel... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Oh, that is so true, yes! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...that's why men hunt and women nest. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> BOO! BOO! Hiss! Boo! (Toby's obnoxious behavior causes Jerry to completely lose his place and mess up his act.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry pacing the floor backstage after his act. Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, what's the deal? What was goin' on there? I invite you down here, I have an important show, and she heckles me?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, she didn't mean anything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what is the matter with her? Is she crazy?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She's just being enthusiastic, that's all! <b> </b><b> </b> (Toby enters.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! What is wrong with you?! <b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Me? Nothing's wrong with me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You boo me?! You hiss?! You didn't stop blathering throughout the whole set! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Oh, come on! I thought you're a pro! That's part of the show. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No! Not part of the show! Booing and hissing are not part of the show! You boo puppets! You hiss villains in silent movies! <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Well, that's the way I express myself. How are you gonna make it in this business if you can't take it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I can take it. <b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Let's go. (Ronnie walks by Jerry.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RONNIE </b> Hey, man. Good set. <b> </b> George talking to Eric, the clown at Robin's son's birthday party. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bozo? <b> </b><b> ERIC </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> B-O-Z-O? </b> <b> </b><b> ERIC </b> Sorry, I... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You've never heard of Bozo the Clown? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ERIC </b> No! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How could you not know who Bozo the Clown is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ERIC </b> I don't know, I just don't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How can you call yourself a clown and not know who Bozo is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ERIC </b> Hey, man - what are you hassling me for? This is just a gig, it's not my life. I don't know who Bozo is, what - is he a clown? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is he a clown? What, are you kidding me!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ERIC </b> Well, what is he? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, he's a clown! <b> </b><b> ERIC </b> Alright, so what's the big deal! There's millions of clowns! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, just forget it. <b> </b><b> ERIC </b> Me forget it? You should forget it! You're livin' in the past, man! You're hung up on some clown from the sixties, man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, very good, very good...go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric! What kind of name is that for a clown, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBIN'S MOTHER </b> Excuse me...you must be George! I'm Robin's mother. Oh, you seem like such a lovely young man! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I do what I can. (Robin comes over.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> Hi Mom, how's everything? <b> </b><b> ROBIN'S MOTHER </b> Oh, this is just a wonderful party! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> The burgers should be ready in a minute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, great, great. (sniffs) What's that smell? Smoke? (walks to the kitchen) Hey everybody, I think I smell some smoke back here...(smoke boils into the doorway.) FIRE! FIRE! Get out of the way! <b> </b><b> </b> (The kids all scream and the party goes crazy. George barrels out of the kitchen, pushing down kids, clowns and old ladies in a mad panic to escape. He runs out the door and leaves everyone behind.) <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to George sitting in the back of an ambulance with an oxygen mask on his face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It was an inferno in there! An inferno! (Eric, Robin's mother, and all the kids rush at George.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ERIC </b> There he is! That's him! (Tries to clobber George with his big shoe.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBIN'S MOTHER </b> That's the coward that left us to die! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Commercial break. <b> </b> Cut back to George attempting to explain his cowardly actions to Robin, her mother, Eric and a fireman from the back of the ambulance at the party. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I...was trying to lead the way. We needed a leader! Someone to lead the way to safety. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> But you yelled "get out of my way"! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because! Because, as the leader...if I die...then all hope is lost! Who would lead? The clown? Instead of castigating me, you should all be thanking me. What kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live in, where heroes are cast as villains? Brave men as cowards? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> But I saw you push the women and children out of the way in a mad panic! I saw you knock them down! And when you ran out, you left everyone behind! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Seemingly. Seemingly, to the untrained eye, I can fully understand how you got that impression. What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions? <b> </b><b> </b><b> FIREMAN </b> How do you live with yourself? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Its not easy. <b> </b> George and Jerry at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So she doesn't want to see me anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you knock her over too, or just the kids? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, her too. And her mother. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? Her mother. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. I may have stepped on her arm, too, I don't know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You probably couldn't see because of the smoke. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. But it was somebody's arm. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you feel "women and children first," in this day and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> To some degree. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So basically, it's every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> In a manner of speaking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's honest. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center, she'll see things differently. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Perhaps. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, what was the fire? Just a couple of greasy hamburgers? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Eric the Clown put it out with his big shoe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> By the way, did you see this? (Hands George a magazine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's the Leonard Christian article about my show. Plus my gig in Miami got cancelled, I betcha it's because of the article. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wow, he really does a number on you. (reads) "Seinfeld froze like a deer in the headlights in the face of incessant heckling." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I should have let her have it! I held back because of Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what you oughta do. You should go to her office and heckle her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, like all the comedians always say, 'How would you like it if I came to where you work and heckled you?' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that'd be something. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not kidding, you should do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But wouldn't that be the ultimate comedian's revenge? I've always had a fantasy about doing that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, go ahead! Do it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why can't I? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No reason! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know what? I think I'm gonna do that! She came down to where I work, I'll go down to where she works! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is unprecedented! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's no precedent, baby! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What...are you using my babies now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Toby in her office at Pendant. Jerry pokes his head in the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, nice shoes. What, you wear sandals to work? It's always nice to walk into a room and get the aroma of feet. That's real conducive to the work atmosphere. I'm sure your co-workers really appreciate it. 'Hey, let's go eat in Toby's office. Great idea! We can check on her bunions!' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> You know, I have work to do here! I'm very busy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, is this disruptive? You find it hard to work with someone...interrupting? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Well, how would you like it if I called security? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Security? Well, I don't know how you're gonna make it in this business if you can't take it! Ya gotta be tough! Booo! Boooo! <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer arrives just as Toby gets upset and storms out.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait a second, what's happenin' here? Toby! Toby! <b> </b><b> </b> (Street outside. We hear screeching tires and Toby screaming, "My pinky toe!" Kramer is heard yelling "Toby!" and is shown with a shocked expression on his face.) <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What did you go up there to heckle her for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because she came down to the club and heckled me! Give her a taste of her own medicine! (George enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, YEAH! You gave her a taste of medicine, alright. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I didn't want her to have an accident. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What accident? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's unbelievable! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You ran? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy - step on it." <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Holy cow! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy - " (Kramer throws two quick punches and a massive uppercut) - knocked him out cold! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How could you do that?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion...the bus is out of control! So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and now I'm drivin' the bus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're Batman. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin' me! So I'm fightin' him off with one hand and I kept drivin' the bus with the other, y'know? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door with my foot, you know - at the next stop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You kept makin' all the stops? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, people kept ringin' the bell! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, what about the toe? What happened to the toe? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well! I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You did all this...for a pinky toe? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's a valuable appendage. <b> </b> Elaine in her office at work, talking with two co-workers. <b> </b><b> JOANNE </b> So, Kramer found the toe, and they re-attached it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really. <b> </b><b> JOANNE </b> Poor kid. What an ordeal. <b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> And you know how extremely sensitive she is...she's gonna need our full support. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> Toby, what can I do? Can I get you something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TOBY </b> Oh no, I'll be fine... <b> </b> (A horde of employees flood into Elaine's office to gush over Toby. Elaine is pushed to the floor as a result.) <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Jerry in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She got the promotion? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yep. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll tell ya why. Because of her pinky toe, that's why. Because Lippman felt so sorry for her, he didn't want to hurt her feelings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Too bad. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sure, the pinky toe is cute! But, I mean, what is it? It's useless! It does nothing. It's got that little nail that is just impossible to cut. What do we need it for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because Elaine, that's the one that goes 'wee-wee-wee all the home.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why don't you just shut the f- <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey Elaine, did you hear the good news? Toby got promoted! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, I heard, Kramer - I work there, remember?? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, and you know what she told me? She said her first order of business is to put my coffee table book into the bookstores as soon as possible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, wonderful! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, throughout this whole thing, she always kept a smile on her face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, of course! She's deranged. <b> </b> Jerry and Ronnie backstage at the comedy club. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, I went down to the magazine, I pleaded with him to come and see me again, finally he agreed to come down tonight, and he's going to write another article. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RONNIE </b> I heard you went down to somebody's office and heckled them? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Damn right! We've been lapdogs long enough! <b> </b><b> </b><b> RONNIE </b> How could you do that? I mean, everybody's talking about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's about time one of us drew a line in the sand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RONNIE </b> Jerry, you're like Rosa Parks. You opened the door for all of us. I can't wait till the next time someone heckles me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, well, won't be long. <b> </b><b> ANNOUNCER </b> Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jerry Seinfeld! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gotta go. (heads out on stage) <b> </b> (George enters and sees Robin working.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Robin? Robin! <b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> George, what is it? I'm working. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Robin, listen to me. The most amazing thing has happened. Kramer has opened my eyes. I think I've changed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> O.k....(is about to explain. Cut to Jerry on-stage.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, Bozo the Clown...does he really need "the clown" in his title, as clown? Bozo, "the" clown? Are we going to confuse him with Bozo the district attorney? Bozo the pope? There's no other Bozo... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to George explaining his situation to Robin. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...you'll see, things will be different now - if you just give me one more chance. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> Listen...I gotta think about this. (walks away.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, but I'm serious about this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RONNIE </b> Alright, hand it over man! <b> </b> Cut back to Jerry onstage. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...that's why men hunt and women nest. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's got a gun! He's got a gun! (Tries to flee the bar in a mad panic. The audience in the club also goes nuts and heads for the exits. Jerry stands onstage, perplexed.) <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to George in the bar. <b> </b><b> ROBIN </b> George! This is Ronnie Kaye! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The prop comic? (Ronnie holds up his water gun and smiles.) Oh, hi...I didn't recognize you, what...did you get a haircut? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RONNIE </b> Nostrils. <b> </b> (Jerry comes backstage.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George - could I have a word? <b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was in a hotel the other day, and on the back of the door in the hotel they have the fire map. I'm flattered that they think I have it together enough to stand in a burning hotel room memorizing directions. 'Yeah, I'll go left by the stairs, right by the candy machine...' I'd probably get lost, have to go back to the room, check the map again...and they always tell you, no matter what, whatever you do in a hotel fire - do not panic. Hey, I got four minutes to live, I've never panicked in my whole life - it's my option. Even if they find you, you have a perfect excuse...'Gee, I heard they saved you swingin' from the shower curtain naked with an ice bucket on your head. What happened there?' 'Well, I panicked.' 'That's understandable.' <b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Fire Script

1994-05-12

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE HAMPTONS </b> Written by Peter Mehlman &amp; Carol Leifer <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> Look at the work people do to get to the ocean. <b> </b> They'll fight the traffic and the heat and the parking and the hot sand. <b> </b><b> </b> Trying to get through the waves, and the ironic thing is the ocean doesn't <b> </b><b> </b> even want us in there. That's what surfing is. Surfing is the ocean <b> </b><b> </b> throwing us out of itself, you see? We keep trying to paddle in, the <b> </b><b> </b> ocean's saying, "No you don't." The ocean is like a nightclub and the <b> </b><b> </b> waves are bouncers tossin' us out. The undertow's like a really mean <b> </b><b> </b> bouncer. Instead of throwin' you out, they take you in back and rough you <b> </b><b> </b> up a little bit. "Oh, you wanna come in? How 'bout comin' in like 25 <b> </b><b> </b> miles?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> back seat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, get off at the next exit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, I've driven to the Hamptons many times, I know the exit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's a great house, pool's something? Yeah, I'll be there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Elaine) You sure we're makin' the right move? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We gotta see the new baby anyway, at least we'll get a weekend in <b> </b><b> </b> the Hamptons out of it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Didn't they just have a baby? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That was two years ago, remember? 'Jeh-Ree, you gotta see the <b> </b><b> </b> Bay-Bee! You gotta see the Bay-Bee!' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is it possible they're just having babies to get people to visit <b> </b><b> </b> them? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Put that on the top of your list. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, not for me. A little too delightful. Well, George and Jane <b> </b><b> </b> should be almost there by now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but <b> </b><b> </b> they're spending the weekend together? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, George is pretty pleased about it. It's like she signed a <b> </b><b> </b> letter of intent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> When's Rachel comin' out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's makin' the three o'clock train. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Her father is so religious, I'm just amazed that he's letting you <b> </b><b> </b> see her again after that Schindler's List make-out session. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I bought him some kishka. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's kind of a stuffed meat thing. Israeli soldiers carry it. In <b> </b><b> </b> case they're captured behind enemy lines, they eat it and it kills them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I never tasted a cough medicine I didn't love. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANE </b> Me too. I love cough medicine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You see? We were made for each other. (Thinking to himself) It's <b> </b><b> </b> amazing. If I reach out and touch her breast right not, she'd scream and <b> </b><b> </b> throw me out of the car. But at this time tomorrow, I could touch it all I <b> </b><b> </b> want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANE </b> What's your favorite? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Potussan. Ever try it with club soda? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANE </b> No. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, very refreshing. (Thinking again) Sex is like joining a <b> </b><b> </b> private club. I'll be the same me tomorrow, but suddenly, the no <b> </b><b> </b> trespassing sign will be gone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANE </b> Are we almost there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, about ten, fifteen minutes. But I have to stop at a <b> </b><b> </b> vegetable stand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANE </b> What for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My mother loves Hampton tomatoes. She's nuts for Hampton tomatoes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANE </b> Can you buy 'em later? I really wanna get some... sun. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey Jerry. Rub some lotion on my back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who are you, Mrs. Robinson? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Come on, I'll rub some on yours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, that's no sweet'ning the deal. No. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Jane) You know, when I was a kid, I once found a dollar and <b> </b><b> </b> fifty cents in change on the bottom of the pool. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANE </b> (No feeling in her voice) You must've been excited. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Hey, you know, I gotta go get these tomatoes. You wanna go <b> </b><b> </b> for a ride? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANE </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Kay. I'll uh, I'll see you later. Anybody want some tomatoes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. (George leaves for the tomatoes) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANE </b> I'm gonna take a dip. (She leaves for beach, Elaine enters <b> </b><b> </b> with a shady hat on) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And then there's Mog. (She sits down next to Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look at my face, look at it. You see any lines? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No lines. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know why? One word: shade. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So when're we gonna see this baby? When is the momentous event? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. They're takin' a nap or something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm gonna go see if there are any girls on the beach. Elaine, you <b> </b><b> </b> wanna come? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Sarcastic) No thanks. I got plenty of girlfriends. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Looking toward beach) Oh this is interesting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jane's topless. (They all look) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yo yo ma. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boutros Boutros-Ghali. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nice rack. (Carol and Michael inside open back door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Come on, you guys. You can come on and see the bay-bee! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, in a minute, Carol. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We're gonna be right there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is weird wild stuff. George hasn't even seen her yet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why do you think we're getting the sneak preview? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Maybe she's trying to create a buzz. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know, get some good word of mouth goin'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, here she comes. (They pretend to not have watched as Jane <b> </b><b> </b> enters) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANE </b> I'm thirsty. Anyone want a drink? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Deh-deh-deh-deh- (Jane exits) All right, show's over. I'm goin' <b> </b><b> </b> to the beach. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> not far behind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Adam (the baby's name), Jerry and Elaine are here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, he's a cute little shnugly baby. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Isn't he gorgeous? (Elaine looks at baby, only to be frightened <b> </b><b> </b> and turn away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ugghh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Is she gorgeous? (Elaine + Jerry looking away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, gorgeous, yes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So very gorgeous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Michael, shut the door! You're letting bugs in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> then seeing a rope leading to something he doesn't know of yet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is it me or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, I couldn't look. It was like the Pekinese. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool. (They sit) <b> </b><b> </b> And, you know, the thing is, they're never gonna know, no one's ever gonna <b> </b><b> </b> tell them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, you have to lie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a must lie situation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, it's a must lie situation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I don't think we should tell George we saw Jane topless. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I don't think so. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, we might want to tell Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> Oh this ointment should do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> How are you feeling, Adam? (She sees Elaine in the hall) Elaine! <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters) This is our pediatrician, Ben Feffa. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Look at him, Elaine. How gorgeous is he? I ask you, how gorgeous? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Looking at Ben) Pretty gorgeous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> Elaine, you have children? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Me? Oh no, but I'd love to have a baby, I mean, I can't wait to <b> </b><b> </b> have a baby. I'm just dyin' to have a baby. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> A beautiful woman like you should. You're quite <b> </b><b> </b> breathtaking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Breathtaking? I'm breathtaking? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> And he's very particular. Ben, you're staying tonight, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> Sure. (Elaine celebrates to herself as Jerry enters and <b> </b><b> </b> quickly looks away from the baby) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, I'm gonna go pick up Rachel at the station. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, see ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. (He leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Oh, just look at him! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> Yeah, he really is breathtaking. (Elaine confused by his <b> </b><b> </b> comment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Train was so crowded. I had to sit in the seat facing the wrong <b> </b><b> </b> way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh I like that. It's like going back in time. (George comes <b> </b><b> </b> outside) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey Rachel! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> (Quickly gets out of seat) Hi. I'm gonna go in there to change. <b> </b><b> </b> (She leaves) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What kind of a greeting was that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's got greeting problems. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. I love Hampton tomatoes. You know, you can eat 'em like <b> </b><b> </b> apples. You know it's funny, the tomato never took on as a hand fruit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, the tomato's an anomaly. So successful with the ketchup <b> </b><b> </b> and the sauce, but you can't find a good one. (Kramer enters with a box of <b> </b><b> </b> lobster) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, hey, hey! Look at what I got! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! Wow, the K-Man! (They walk into the kitchen inside) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got lobster for everybody? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, and they're fresh! Right out of the ocean. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is fantastic. Man, what a weekend. Swimming, lobster for <b> </b><b> </b> dinner... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I know, it's great. And I saw Jane topless. (Jerry shows that <b> </b><b> </b> 'damn' expression behind George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You saw who, what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I saw Jane topless. Well, we all saw her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Jerry realizes the situation is hopeless) All right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You saw Jane topless? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, when you went for the tomatoes she lied out topless. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh you mean face down on her chest. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Face up on her back? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well why'd she do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I guess she was hot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You mean she just laid there topless? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, she got up, walked around... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Walked around? And you looked? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Of course. She's got a great body, buddy. All right, I'm gonna go <b> </b><b> </b> upstairs, I'll be right back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe it, you saw her before me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Think of me as a doctor. (They go outside again) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, how good a look did you get? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what'd you mean? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, if she was a criminal and you had to describe her to a police <b> </b><b> </b> sketch artist... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They'd pick her up in about ten minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Great, great. So anytime you want you can just visualize her <b> </b><b> </b> naked. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess that's true... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Stop it, stop it! It's not fair. It's not fair. I don't like <b> </b><b> </b> this situation, Jerry. I don't like it one bit. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you want me to do? You wanna see Rachel naked? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, yes! The punishment should fit the crime. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can see me naked. I can offer you that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn around for a sip of Tang and <b> </b><b> </b> you jump out first. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nobody ever called me breathtaking before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've never been called breathtaking either. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean, if he thinks that that baby's breathtaking, then who's not <b> </b><b> </b> breathtaking? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe he just said it because the mother was in the room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, right, that's a possibility. I have to find out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How are you gonna do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can be very clever. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> I'm gonna take a swim. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, me too. I'll meet you down. (She goes in the hall and sees <b> </b><b> </b> George) Oh, don't go in, Rachel's getting undressed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, okay. (Starts to walk other way and then walks to their room <b> </b><b> </b> and goes in) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, sorry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Don't you knock? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sorry, uh, it's not like I'm gonna see something I've never <b> </b><b> </b> seen before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You might have. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You won't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> What'd you want anyway, George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, George. I'm kind of wondering myself. What is it what you <b> </b><b> </b> want? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I was just wondering... if you guys, uh, had any gum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh! So you were swimming in the pool, and you wanted some gum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, because the water was cold... and the chewing warms me up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> We don't have any gum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay. (Chewing) Thanks anyway. (Continues to chew as he exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Strange man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait'll you get to know him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> So where is this baby, anyway? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, check it out. I guarantee you've never seen anything quite so <b> </b><b> </b> objectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left. (Rachel walks <b> </b><b> </b> down hall, walks in on George changing out of his swimsuit) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> (She screams) Oh my God! I'm sorry, I thought this was the baby's <b> </b><b> </b> room. I'm really sorry. (She exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was in the pool! I was in the pool! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did she do it on purpose? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was my fault, I told her the wrong door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was supposed to see her. She wasn't supposed to see me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well ordinarily I wouldn't mind. But... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was <b> </b><b> </b> cold... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh... You mean... shrinkage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. Significant shrinkage! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you feel you were short changed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! I mean, if she thinks that's me she's under a complete <b> </b><b> </b> misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, so what's the difference? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What if she discusses it with Jane? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How do you know? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Women aren't like us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about <b> </b><b> </b> everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm not gonna tell her about your shrinkage. Besides, I think <b> </b><b> </b> women know about shrinkage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How do women know about shrinkage? (They see Elaine walking down <b> </b><b> </b> the hall) Elaine! Get! (She enters) Do women know about shrinkage? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you mean, like laundry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It shrinks? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like a frightened turtle! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why does it shrink? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It just does. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know how you guys walk around with those things. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> Thanks for the lobster, Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Rachel, aren't you gonna have any? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Oh, no, I can't. I'm kosher, we don't eat shellfish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You mean you've never tasted lobster? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> No. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wow. You're so pious. I really respect that. You know when you <b> </b><b> </b> die, you're gonna get some special attention. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Oh, the baby's crying. I'll go get him. He can sit with us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE + JERRY </b> No! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, you don't wanna do that. You'll be uncomfortable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, finish eating. The baby's not gonna have any fun over here. <b> </b><b> </b> We're not fun for a baby. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, the lobster'll scare him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> I'm gonna get him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> See, look at this. Rachel, my T-shirt shrunk. It used to be much <b> </b><b> </b> bigger, and now it shrunk. You see, that's what water does. It shrinks <b> </b><b> </b> things. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? Tell us more, Mr. Science. (Rachel whispers in Jane's <b> </b><b> </b> ear, which prompts Jane to laugh) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What're you doing? What're you, telling secrets? What're you <b> </b><b> </b> laughing at? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANE </b> It's nothing, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, it's very impolite to tell secrets. Are you talking <b> </b><b> </b> about me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANE </b> What is it with you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To George) Easy big fella. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> So Kramer, where'd you get all these lobster, at the <b> </b><b> </b> Fleesher's Market? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I got 'em in the ocean. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> The ocean? What'd you mean? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I found this rope and I kept tugging on it, and all these <b> </b><b> </b> lobsters came up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> Those are commercial lobster traps. You can't take those <b> </b><b> </b> lobsters from there. That's against the law. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Take it easy. There's plenty of lobsters in the ocean for <b> </b><b> </b> everyone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> My father was a lobsterman. He got up every morning at <b> </b><b> </b> four and came home every night stinking of brine. He sent me through law <b> </b><b> </b> school with the lobsters he caught! (Kramer stands up from table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> (Entering with baby) Here he is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ahhh! (Falls to floor as he sees the baby) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Some night, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> Yeah, I wish I had my telescope. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Some dinner, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> Nothing like fresh caught lobster. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Some house, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> It was built by Mark Farman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Some ugly baby, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> What did you say? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I said, uh, some snuggly baby. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> He is something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, to tell you the truth, Dr. Feffa, I , I was surprised to hear <b> </b><b> </b> you use a word like breathtaking to describe a baby, I mean, because you <b> </b><b> </b> also used it referring to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> Well, you know Elaine, sometimes you say things just to be <b> </b><b> </b> nice. (Elaine relieved, then confused, not knowing if he was being nice to <b> </b><b> </b> her or to the baby) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You told her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Yeah, what's the big deal? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't understand. This organ, it's very... schizophrenic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Jerry, what the difference? You know, you're the ones obsessed <b> </b><b> </b> with this stuff, not us. I'm sure it wouldn't matter to Jane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're going back to New York now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANE </b> Yeah, I have some things to do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh huh. Uh huh! I think you spoke to your little friend Rachel, <b> </b><b> </b> that's what I think. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANE </b> So what if I did? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And she didn't say something to you about a certain something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANE </b> I don't know what you're talking about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> *I* think that *you* think that a certain *something* is not all <b> </b><b> </b> that it could be, when in fact it is is all that it *should* be, and <b> </b><b> </b> *more*! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JANE </b> I'm sure it is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look, you don't understand. There was shrinkage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> fridge and Kramer lights up a cigar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Looking for this? (Holding up lobster) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Oh, Kramer! You startled me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I thought you might wind up around here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Yeah, well, I couldn't stop thinking about how everyone was <b> </b><b> </b> enjoying the lobster so much. I thought I little taste wouldn't hurt, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm afraid I couldn't do that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that wouldn't be kosher. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> C'mon, Kramer. I really want to try it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Nah, I'm sorry, honey. Not on my watch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Come on, Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Heyahhh! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> I just heard a car drive out. What was that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, that's just Jane driving home to New York in the middle of the <b> </b><b> </b> night. (Rachel shocked) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> George, thanks so much for making breakfast. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, these are the best scrambled eggs I've ever tasted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I didn't know you could cook. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm just expressing my gratitude to our gracious host. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BEN </b> Yes, George, the whole breakfast is breathtaking. (Rachel <b> </b><b> </b> and Jerry enter) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Good morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ALL </b> Hey, hey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Kramer, I just want to thank you again for last night, you really <b> </b><b> </b> saved me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> What happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Well, I almost tried the lobster, but Kramer stopped me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You'd regret it for the rest of your life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> You're right, I would have. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Referring to George) Hey, look at this guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A little breakfast. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (To Rachel) And, uh, you eat eggs, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Yes, I do, thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Geez, these are delicious. Where did you learn to make eggs like <b> </b><b> </b> this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Umm... This is so good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, enjoying them? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Mm-hmm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, good. You know, you might wanna try eating it with one of <b> </b><b> </b> these. (Holds up lobster bib) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> There's lobster in these eggs? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not that much. You know, they tend to shrink in the water. <b> </b><b> </b> (Rachel storms out of room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I guess I gotta go, too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, this has turned out to be one *helluva* weekend. (Policeman <b> </b><b> </b> knocks on door, Michael answers) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> Excuse me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> POLICE </b> I'm sorry to bother you, but we're trying to track down a lobster <b> </b><b> </b> poacher that cleaned out on of the traps. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wonder what's goin' on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, I guess I should go up and apologize. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICHAEL </b> There he is, officer. (Michael points to Kramer, Kramer <b> </b><b> </b> waves to policeman) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Ahh! Don't you ever knock? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know why Rachel had to drive back with Michael to town. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, if you saw me naked, I wouldn't want to ride back in the same <b> </b><b> </b> car with you either. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I still can't believe Michael finked on Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How is he gonna pay off a thousand dollar fine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They got some sort of program. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> officer. Back to the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, there's a tomato stand, let's stop, I can get some more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, isn't that Michael's car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There's Rachel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where? (He looks out window and gets hit by a tomato) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Hamptons Script

1994-05-19

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE OPPOSITE </b> Written by Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld &amp; Andy Cowan <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It is pretty hard to justify, at this point in history, the existence of men and their <b> </b><b> </b> handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it, and then put it back <b> </b><b> </b> in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucous, yup, I've got <b> </b><b> </b> everything. Is it because men can't give birth that they're just proud of anything <b> </b><b> </b> that comes out of us? We actually have a monogram sewn on to them. What is the <b> </b><b> </b> source of pride here? We actually have it sticking out of the breast pocket of our <b> </b><b> </b> jacket. "I have a snot rag." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> We see a sad-looking George staring out at the ocean. Then cut to the office of Mr.Lippman, where Elaine and Mr. Lippman are toasting in champagne. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> To your promotion. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, thank you! ( They drink ) Oh, thank you, Mr Lippman, I can't tell you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> how much I appreciate this. I mean, of course I deserve it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR LIPPMAN </b> Well, you're really on your way now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine screams with joy and Mr. Lippman coughs violently. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You really oughtta do something about that cold. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got a raise? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't fool around, baby! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you said Pendant was in financial trouble. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They were, but they're being absorbed by Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, when did that happen? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They're signing the papers next week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Does this mean they're gonna be publishing Kramer's coffee table book? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, they'll definitely do it now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion, plus you're back with Jake Jarmal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking about moving in together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, you really got it all, I'm sure Helen "Girlie" Brown would be very proud of you. <b> </b><b> </b> Enter George <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Speaking of having it all ... Where were you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I went to the beach. ( J and E exchange looks ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, the beach. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's not working, Jerry. It's just not working. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is it that isn't working? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but ... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong. <b> </b><b> </b> ( A waitress comes up to G ) <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup of tea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, there's no telling what can happen from this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cos salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good for the tuna. <b> </b> ( A blonde looks at George ) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what? What am I supposed to do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Go talk to her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> something! <b> </b> ( He goes over to the woman ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VICTORIA </b> Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch as me. <b> </b><b> </b> ( G takes a deep breath ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VICTORIA </b> I'm Victoria. Hi. <b> </b> Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you kidding? They can't cancel that show on me now, it's too late for me to book anything else for that weekend. Alright, alright ... okay, bye. <b> </b><b> </b> ( Enter Kramer ) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. Buddy, it's all happening! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's happening? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The coffee table book. It's a go! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, I heard all about it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know what this means? I'm starting the book tour. First stop: Regis and Kathy Lee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're going on Regis and Kathy Lee? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you better believe it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll loan you my puffy shirt. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No,no,no. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What're you gonna talk about? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, coffee tables. <b> </b> ( The phone rings ) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it. I just had something cancelled the same weekend. Ok. Great. Bye. <b> </b><b> </b> ( Turns to K ) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, life is amazing. I just lost a job and five minutes later get another, same weekend, same money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know who you are? Even Steven <b> </b> Cut to G's car; G and Victoria driving <b> </b><b> VICTORIA </b> Are you growing a beard? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why shave every day? It just grows right back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VICTORIA </b> I guess ... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm afraid I'm just not interested in how I present myself. If those kind of superficialities are important to you, this probably isn't gonna work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ( A car cuts in in front of them, G has to make a sudden maneuver <b> ) </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VICTORIA </b> Hey watch, he just cut you off! Did you see that?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Take it easy. Take it easy. It's not the end of the world. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to the movie theater; two young men are sitting behind G and Victoria <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN NO.1 </b> Hey baby, how about a little tongue action, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN NO.2 </b> Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ( They kick G and Victoria's seats ) <b> </b><b> VICTORIA </b> What are we gonna do? Shall we just move? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That won't be necessary. <b> </b> ( G gets up and turns towards the two men ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me? Now, shut your mouths or I'll <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> shut'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because I would love it! <b> </b><b> </b> ( People applaud as G sits down again ) <b> </b> Cut to G's car <b> </b><b> VICTORIA </b> Are you sure you don't wanna come up, I mean, it's only nine thirty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't think we should. We really don't know each other very well. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VICTORIA </b> Who are you, George Costanza? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to movie theater. Elaine is waiting for someone <b> </b><b> THEATER MANAGER </b> Excuse me, is your name Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> THEATER MANAGER </b> Were you suposed to meet a Jake Jarmal here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> THEATER MANAGER </b> Well, I'm afraid he's been in an accident. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> An accident? What happened? <b> </b><b> THEATER MANAGER </b> He got side-swiped by a cab, but he's alright. He's in St.Vincent <b> </b><b> </b> Hospital, room 907. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. Ok. Thank you. <b> </b> ( She starts to leave, but changes her mind and goes back to the counter ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Could I have a box of Jujyfruit? <b> </b> Cut to hospital <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> So, then, you know, the light was clearly green, I started walking, he skidded and he went right into my hip. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ( With her mouth full of Jujyfruit ) Oh, that is so terrible. That is so terrible, Jake. I mean, how can people be so stupid? Just sickening. <b> </b><b> </b> ( Jake looks at E eating ) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You want one? <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> No thanks. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So when do you think you're gonna get outta here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Where did you get those? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> At the movies. <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Didn't the theater manager give you the message before you went in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, he did. <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Then when did you get those? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right after ... that ... <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> So you heard that I was in a car accident , and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well... the counter...was right there, and... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JAKE </b> I would think, under the circumstances, it would have sent you running out the building. Apparently, it didn't have any effect on you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, it does! <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> If you got into a car accident, I can guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruit! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But...Jake... <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> I would like to be alone now, please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But, Jake, I didn't... <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Goodnight! <b> </b> Elaine is forced to leave. We cut to Jerry's apartment. He's having a poker night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN NO.1 </b> Ah, whaddya say we call it a night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN NO.2 </b> Good idea, I'm kinda tired. <b> </b><b> MAN NO.3 </b> How'd you do? <b> </b><b> MAN NO.4 </b> Won 50. <b> </b><b> MAN NO.2 </b> Lost 72. <b> </b><b> MAN NO.1 </b> Won 37. <b> </b><b> MAN NO.3 </b> Lost 15. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Broke even. <b> </b> Cut to "Regis and Kathy Lee" <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> Can I bring out our next guest now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> Please, please. <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> Young guy, he's got a new book coming out, and it's about, and this is the best part - <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> I love this. <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> It's a coffee table book about coffee tables! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> Yeah. Is that clever? I think that is so clever! <b> </b><b> </b><b> REGIS </b> I think so too. Did you get to meet him back stage? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> I did. <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> I mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't he? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> I love his hair. <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> Yeah, oh, I do too. This guy could be a little bonkos. Really. Anyway, if you will, would you please welcome: Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b> ( K comes in, kisses Kathy Lee ) <b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> I don't know, maybe it's the hair or something! <b> </b><b> </b><b> REGIS </b> Kramer. So, a coffee table book about coffee tables. Where did you come up with this idea? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, Regis... actually, this is a true story. I was skiing at the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> REGIS </b> You know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm trying not to kill myself, and you're writing books! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, now you kids don't go out and try that. You stay in school! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> Have you always had an interest in coffee tables, because, really, I love coffee tables, and I thought I was the only one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You see the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table, it turns into a coffee table. <b> </b><b> </b> ( Demonstrates with his book ) <b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> Is that fabulous? <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> Look at this! <b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> Is that fabulous? <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> Fabulous! <b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> I want one of these. <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> Did I tell you this guy was bonkos? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> This coffee table (book) is full of pictures of celebrities' coffee tables. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's true. That's right. <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> Yeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's mine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, it's on file, right here. ( points to his head ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> REGIS </b> I'm tellin' ya, this guy's bonkos! He really is! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> But he's adorable. <b> </b> ( Kramer takes a sip of coffee, then spits it out all over Kathy Lee's dress ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> REGIS </b> We'll be right back. <b> </b> Cut to Jerry's apartment <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So it's all over? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, it got pretty nasty. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And what did you go back for? Jujyfruit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's not like I went across the street. I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in a cab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why didn't you eat it in the cab? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because I got popcorn too, and I ate that first. <b> </b><b> </b> ( E points to the table ) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's all this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Played cards last night. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah? How'd you do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Broke even. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You always break even. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I know; like yesterday I lost a job, and then I got another one, and then I missed a TV show, and later on they re-ran it. And then today I missed a train, went outside and caught a bus. It never fails! I always even out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you have twenty bucks? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What for? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just gimme twenty bucks. <b> </b> ( E takes the money and throws it out the window ) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What the hell was that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know you could've thrown a pencil out the window and seen if that came back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, things were going so good for me, you know, I got the job <b> </b><b> </b> promotion, we were talking about moving in together - <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, maybe next time someone's in a car accident you won't stop off for candy first. <b> </b><b> </b> ( George comes in ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, I just found twenty dollars! I tell you this, something is happening in my life. I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down, black was white, good was - <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bad. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Day was - <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Night. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you just did the opposite of everything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the travelling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ. <b> </b><b> </b> ( George rushes out, J+E follow him. J puts his hand in his pocket <b> ) </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine ... look! A twenty! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my God. <b> </b> Cut to Mr.Lippman's office <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey boss. <b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> Kramer. Come in. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How're you doin' there, big guy? ( Puts his arm around the tobacco store Indian <b> ) </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> Have a seat. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, have you got yourself a cold? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ( Mr. L sneezes, K jumps in his chair ) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wow, that's quite a honk! Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> The reason I asked you in here, is I caught your appearance on "Regis and Kathy Lee" the other day and - <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It was pretty good, huh? <b> </b> ( New sneeze, K jumps again ) <b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> Anyway, the thinking here is that it would be best if you didn't do any more of these shows. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because of the coffee thing? <b> </b><b> MR.LIPPMAN </b> Kramer, I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What about "Sonia Live"? Now you're not cancelling "Sonia Live"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> It's out - <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She's a doctor, I got a thing for her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> Kramer, I - <b> </b> ( Mr. L sneezes again, K falls out of his chair ) <b> </b> Cut to Yankee Stadium, and G's job interview <b> </b><b> MR. CUSHMAN </b> Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experiences? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alrighty. Ah ... my last job was in publishing ... I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. CUSHMAN </b> Go on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, before that, I was in real estate. I quit, because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. CUSHMAN </b> Do you talk to everybody like this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course. <b> </b><b> MR. CUSHMAN </b> My niece told me you were different. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am different, yeah. <b> </b><b> MR. CUSHMAN </b> I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ( Mr. Cushman gets out of his chair ) <b> </b><b> MR. CUSHMAN </b> Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> Nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> Hire this man! <b> </b> Cut to Pendant Publishing <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> Tina Robbins is here to see you. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Who's that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out four years ago, but I've been sub- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> letting my apartment from her. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Alright, see ya. ( Meets Tina in the door ) Hey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TINA </b> Please. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi Tina. <b> </b><b> TINA </b> Hi Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, I haven't seen you in a while. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TINA </b> Elaine, we have a problem. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, what is it? <b> </b><b> TINA </b> You're getting kicked out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kicked out?! Why?! <b> </b><b> TINA </b> Well, there's been a number of complaints. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah? Like what? <b> </b><b> TINA </b> Well, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed up a jewel thief. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I didn't know who he was! <b> </b><b> TINA </b> That's why there's a buzzer. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What else? <b> </b><b> TINA </b> Well, apparently, the week after that, you buzzed up some Jehova's Witnesses and they couldn't get them out of the building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What else have you got? <b> </b><b> TINA </b> Well, let's see. ( Takes out a list from her bag ) <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to Monk's <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is. If you're going out with someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> I suppose... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, come on, that's a huge feature. When they approach a new recruit, I'm sure that's one of the big selling points. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Jerry ... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> I've been doing a lot of thinking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aha? <b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Well, I don't think we should see each other any more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, that's okay. <b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet somebody else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> You will? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. See, things always even out for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's fine. Anyway, it's been really nice dating you for a while. And ... good luck! <b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Yeah, you too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry leaves. Cut to Jerry's apartment <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The New York Yankees?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The New York Yankees! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm the assistant to the travelling secretary. I'm going on the road trips with them! I'll be on the plane... I'm working in Yankee Stadium! This is a dream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe it. <b> </b> ( The door buzzes, J lets E up ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And I' moving out of my parents' house, I'm taking that apartment on 86th street, remember the one we saw? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's a great place! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm back in business, baby! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, I wouldn't get too excited about this stuff, you know, things have a way of evening out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! ( to Elaine, who doesn't look too cheerful ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How're things going? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How're things going? You wanna know how things are going? I'll tell you how things are going. I am getting kicked out of my apartment! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? Why are they doing that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know! They have a list of grievances. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The jewel thief? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, the jewel thief. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What else? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I put Canadian quarters in the washing machine. I gotta be out by the end of the month. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you could move in with my parents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Was that the ... opposite ... of what you were going to say, or was that just instinct? ( She squeezes G's mouth between her fingers ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Instinct. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Stick ... with the opposite. ( Slaps G on the forehead ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, don't get too down. Everything'll even out, see, I have two friends, you were up, he was down. Now he's up, you're down. You see how it all evens out for me? <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to Pendant Publishing <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> Mr. Lippman, the people from Matsushimi are here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> Alright... tell them I'll be right there. Well, this is it, Elaine. You know, without this merger, we'd be out on the street. Boy, they sure saved us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ( Mr Lippman leaves the room, and forgets his handkerchief, which he probably needs because of his cold, and Elaine can't tell him, 'cos she's got her mouth full of Jujyfruit...) <b> </b><b> </b> ( Mr Lippman goes to meet the Japansese businessmen, then he sneezes, and realizes he doesn't have his handkerchief, but he is forced to meet the Japanese, as they have already spotted him and started talking to him ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> INTERPRETER </b> Mr Lippman, it is with great pride that we undertake this partnership with your company. <b> </b><b> </b> ( The Japansese "boss" reaches out his hand to shake Mr L's ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR LIPPMAN </b> I ... I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand right now. It's germs. <b> </b><b> </b> ( This leads to a loud discussion in Japanese, and we sense a rather hostile atmosphere ) <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to George's parents' house <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that the end of it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, it's the last one. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I can't believe you're moving out. ( Grabs Kramer ) Kramer, is this true? Is it really happening? It's ... it's like a dream. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, it's true. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, let's go. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Don't get in trouble with the Yankees. You be nice. ( Slaps G's forehead ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not gonna be nice. That's how I got the job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Jerry, did you hear this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He knows what he's doing. <b> </b> ( G pulls both his parents to him ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just want the both of you to know how much you mean to me, and I love you both very, very much. <b> </b><b> </b> ( K and J look at each other ) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Opposite. <b> </b> Cut to Monk's <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I must've had at least eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why'd you have to eat so many? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them. I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd you expect him to blow his nose? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't say that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's true. I'm George! I'm George! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ( Enter George, dressed in A Yankees suit ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Greetings, people. Greetings. Greetings and salutations. What a beautiful day for a ball game. Let's play two! ( Sits down, says to waitress:) <b> </b><b> </b> Oh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual, you know what I get, darlin'. ( Turns to the Gang ) So, let's see, I had a little conversation today with Mr Don Mattingly - he's the first base man. We talked about his new batting stance, you know, I'm not crazy about it, but I said , "Danny, go with it 'till it stops workin'." Donny baseball. He's a helluva guy. <b> </b><b> </b> ( J and K pay the check ) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait, wait, wait, that's too much. Mine was more than yours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah ... let's call it even. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Coffee's a drink that seems to encourage a lot of accessories around it. Coffee cake, coffee table, coffee table book, clutches of people. Say what you want about alcohol, but not only are there not a lot of optional accessories, alcohol actually helps you get rid of things. Family, home, job, driver's license. In fact, at a certain point, the only thing you have to remember to get, is more alcohol And maybe a rag for your squeegee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Opposite Script

1994-09-22

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE OPPOSITE </b> Written by Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld &amp; Andy Cowan <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It is pretty hard to justify, at this point in history, the existence of men and their <b> </b><b> </b> handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it, and then put it back <b> </b><b> </b> in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucous, yup, I've got <b> </b><b> </b> everything. Is it because men can't give birth that they're just proud of anything <b> </b><b> </b> that comes out of us? We actually have a monogram sewn on to them. What is the <b> </b><b> </b> source of pride here? We actually have it sticking out of the breast pocket of our <b> </b><b> </b> jacket. "I have a snot rag." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> We see a sad-looking George staring out at the ocean. Then cut to the office of Mr.Lippman, where Elaine and Mr. Lippman are toasting in champagne. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> To your promotion. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, thank you! ( They drink ) Oh, thank you, Mr Lippman, I can't tell you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> how much I appreciate this. I mean, of course I deserve it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR LIPPMAN </b> Well, you're really on your way now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine screams with joy and Mr. Lippman coughs violently. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You really oughtta do something about that cold. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got a raise? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't fool around, baby! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought you said Pendant was in financial trouble. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They were, but they're being absorbed by Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, when did that happen? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They're signing the papers next week. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Does this mean they're gonna be publishing Kramer's coffee table book? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, they'll definitely do it now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion, plus you're back with Jake Jarmal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking about moving in together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, you really got it all, I'm sure Helen "Girlie" Brown would be very proud of you. <b> </b><b> </b> Enter George <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Speaking of having it all ... Where were you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I went to the beach. ( J and E exchange looks ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, the beach. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's not working, Jerry. It's just not working. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is it that isn't working? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but ... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong. <b> </b><b> </b> ( A waitress comes up to G ) <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup of tea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, there's no telling what can happen from this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cos salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good for the tuna. <b> </b> ( A blonde looks at George ) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what? What am I supposed to do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Go talk to her. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> something! <b> </b> ( He goes over to the woman ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VICTORIA </b> Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch as me. <b> </b><b> </b> ( G takes a deep breath ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VICTORIA </b> I'm Victoria. Hi. <b> </b> Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you kidding? They can't cancel that show on me now, it's too late for me to book anything else for that weekend. Alright, alright ... okay, bye. <b> </b><b> </b> ( Enter Kramer ) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. Buddy, it's all happening! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's happening? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The coffee table book. It's a go! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, I heard all about it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know what this means? I'm starting the book tour. First stop: Regis and Kathy Lee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're going on Regis and Kathy Lee? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you better believe it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll loan you my puffy shirt. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No,no,no. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What're you gonna talk about? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, coffee tables. <b> </b> ( The phone rings ) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it. I just had something cancelled the same weekend. Ok. Great. Bye. <b> </b><b> </b> ( Turns to K ) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, life is amazing. I just lost a job and five minutes later get another, same weekend, same money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know who you are? Even Steven <b> </b> Cut to G's car; G and Victoria driving <b> </b><b> VICTORIA </b> Are you growing a beard? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why shave every day? It just grows right back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VICTORIA </b> I guess ... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm afraid I'm just not interested in how I present myself. If those kind of superficialities are important to you, this probably isn't gonna work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ( A car cuts in in front of them, G has to make a sudden maneuver <b> ) </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VICTORIA </b> Hey watch, he just cut you off! Did you see that?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Take it easy. Take it easy. It's not the end of the world. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to the movie theater; two young men are sitting behind G and Victoria <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN NO.1 </b> Hey baby, how about a little tongue action, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN NO.2 </b> Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ( They kick G and Victoria's seats ) <b> </b><b> VICTORIA </b> What are we gonna do? Shall we just move? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That won't be necessary. <b> </b> ( G gets up and turns towards the two men ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me? Now, shut your mouths or I'll <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> shut'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because I would love it! <b> </b><b> </b> ( People applaud as G sits down again ) <b> </b> Cut to G's car <b> </b><b> VICTORIA </b> Are you sure you don't wanna come up, I mean, it's only nine thirty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't think we should. We really don't know each other very well. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VICTORIA </b> Who are you, George Costanza? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to movie theater. Elaine is waiting for someone <b> </b><b> THEATER MANAGER </b> Excuse me, is your name Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> THEATER MANAGER </b> Were you suposed to meet a Jake Jarmal here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> THEATER MANAGER </b> Well, I'm afraid he's been in an accident. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> An accident? What happened? <b> </b><b> THEATER MANAGER </b> He got side-swiped by a cab, but he's alright. He's in St.Vincent <b> </b><b> </b> Hospital, room 907. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. Ok. Thank you. <b> </b> ( She starts to leave, but changes her mind and goes back to the counter ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Could I have a box of Jujyfruit? <b> </b> Cut to hospital <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> So, then, you know, the light was clearly green, I started walking, he skidded and he went right into my hip. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ( With her mouth full of Jujyfruit ) Oh, that is so terrible. That is so terrible, Jake. I mean, how can people be so stupid? Just sickening. <b> </b><b> </b> ( Jake looks at E eating ) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You want one? <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> No thanks. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So when do you think you're gonna get outta here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Where did you get those? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> At the movies. <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Didn't the theater manager give you the message before you went in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, he did. <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Then when did you get those? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right after ... that ... <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> So you heard that I was in a car accident , and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well... the counter...was right there, and... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JAKE </b> I would think, under the circumstances, it would have sent you running out the building. Apparently, it didn't have any effect on you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, it does! <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> If you got into a car accident, I can guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruit! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But...Jake... <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> I would like to be alone now, please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But, Jake, I didn't... <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Goodnight! <b> </b> Elaine is forced to leave. We cut to Jerry's apartment. He's having a poker night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN NO.1 </b> Ah, whaddya say we call it a night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN NO.2 </b> Good idea, I'm kinda tired. <b> </b><b> MAN NO.3 </b> How'd you do? <b> </b><b> MAN NO.4 </b> Won 50. <b> </b><b> MAN NO.2 </b> Lost 72. <b> </b><b> MAN NO.1 </b> Won 37. <b> </b><b> MAN NO.3 </b> Lost 15. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Broke even. <b> </b> Cut to "Regis and Kathy Lee" <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> Can I bring out our next guest now? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> Please, please. <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> Young guy, he's got a new book coming out, and it's about, and this is the best part - <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> I love this. <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> It's a coffee table book about coffee tables! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> Yeah. Is that clever? I think that is so clever! <b> </b><b> </b><b> REGIS </b> I think so too. Did you get to meet him back stage? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> I did. <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> I mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't he? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> I love his hair. <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> Yeah, oh, I do too. This guy could be a little bonkos. Really. Anyway, if you will, would you please welcome: Kramer! <b> </b><b> </b> ( K comes in, kisses Kathy Lee ) <b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> I don't know, maybe it's the hair or something! <b> </b><b> </b><b> REGIS </b> Kramer. So, a coffee table book about coffee tables. Where did you come up with this idea? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, Regis... actually, this is a true story. I was skiing at the time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> REGIS </b> You know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm trying not to kill myself, and you're writing books! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, now you kids don't go out and try that. You stay in school! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> Have you always had an interest in coffee tables, because, really, I love coffee tables, and I thought I was the only one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You see the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table, it turns into a coffee table. <b> </b><b> </b> ( Demonstrates with his book ) <b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> Is that fabulous? <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> Look at this! <b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> Is that fabulous? <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> Fabulous! <b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> I want one of these. <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> Did I tell you this guy was bonkos? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> This coffee table (book) is full of pictures of celebrities' coffee tables. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's true. That's right. <b> </b><b> REGIS </b> Yeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's mine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, it's on file, right here. ( points to his head ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> REGIS </b> I'm tellin' ya, this guy's bonkos! He really is! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATHY LEE </b> But he's adorable. <b> </b> ( Kramer takes a sip of coffee, then spits it out all over Kathy Lee's dress ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> REGIS </b> We'll be right back. <b> </b> Cut to Jerry's apartment <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So it's all over? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, it got pretty nasty. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And what did you go back for? Jujyfruit? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's not like I went across the street. I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in a cab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why didn't you eat it in the cab? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because I got popcorn too, and I ate that first. <b> </b><b> </b> ( E points to the table ) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's all this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Played cards last night. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah? How'd you do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Broke even. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You always break even. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I know; like yesterday I lost a job, and then I got another one, and then I missed a TV show, and later on they re-ran it. And then today I missed a train, went outside and caught a bus. It never fails! I always even out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you have twenty bucks? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What for? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just gimme twenty bucks. <b> </b> ( E takes the money and throws it out the window ) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What the hell was that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know you could've thrown a pencil out the window and seen if that came back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, things were going so good for me, you know, I got the job <b> </b><b> </b> promotion, we were talking about moving in together - <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, maybe next time someone's in a car accident you won't stop off for candy first. <b> </b><b> </b> ( George comes in ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, I just found twenty dollars! I tell you this, something is happening in my life. I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down, black was white, good was - <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bad. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Day was - <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Night. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you just did the opposite of everything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the travelling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ. <b> </b><b> </b> ( George rushes out, J+E follow him. J puts his hand in his pocket <b> ) </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine ... look! A twenty! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my God. <b> </b> Cut to Mr.Lippman's office <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey boss. <b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> Kramer. Come in. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How're you doin' there, big guy? ( Puts his arm around the tobacco store Indian <b> ) </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> Have a seat. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, have you got yourself a cold? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ( Mr. L sneezes, K jumps in his chair ) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wow, that's quite a honk! Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> The reason I asked you in here, is I caught your appearance on "Regis and Kathy Lee" the other day and - <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It was pretty good, huh? <b> </b> ( New sneeze, K jumps again ) <b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> Anyway, the thinking here is that it would be best if you didn't do any more of these shows. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because of the coffee thing? <b> </b><b> MR.LIPPMAN </b> Kramer, I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What about "Sonia Live"? Now you're not cancelling "Sonia Live"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> It's out - <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She's a doctor, I got a thing for her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> Kramer, I - <b> </b> ( Mr. L sneezes again, K falls out of his chair ) <b> </b> Cut to Yankee Stadium, and G's job interview <b> </b><b> MR. CUSHMAN </b> Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experiences? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alrighty. Ah ... my last job was in publishing ... I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. CUSHMAN </b> Go on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, before that, I was in real estate. I quit, because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. CUSHMAN </b> Do you talk to everybody like this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Of course. <b> </b><b> MR. CUSHMAN </b> My niece told me you were different. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am different, yeah. <b> </b><b> MR. CUSHMAN </b> I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ( Mr. Cushman gets out of his chair ) <b> </b><b> MR. CUSHMAN </b> Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> Nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. STEINBRENNER </b> Hire this man! <b> </b> Cut to Pendant Publishing <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> Tina Robbins is here to see you. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Who's that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out four years ago, but I've been sub- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> letting my apartment from her. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> Alright, see ya. ( Meets Tina in the door ) Hey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TINA </b> Please. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi Tina. <b> </b><b> TINA </b> Hi Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, I haven't seen you in a while. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TINA </b> Elaine, we have a problem. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, what is it? <b> </b><b> TINA </b> You're getting kicked out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kicked out?! Why?! <b> </b><b> TINA </b> Well, there's been a number of complaints. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah? Like what? <b> </b><b> TINA </b> Well, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed up a jewel thief. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I didn't know who he was! <b> </b><b> TINA </b> That's why there's a buzzer. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What else? <b> </b><b> TINA </b> Well, apparently, the week after that, you buzzed up some Jehova's Witnesses and they couldn't get them out of the building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What else have you got? <b> </b><b> TINA </b> Well, let's see. ( Takes out a list from her bag ) <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to Monk's <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is. If you're going out with someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> I suppose... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, come on, that's a huge feature. When they approach a new recruit, I'm sure that's one of the big selling points. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Jerry ... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> I've been doing a lot of thinking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aha? <b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Well, I don't think we should see each other any more. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, that's okay. <b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet somebody else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> You will? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Sure. See, things always even out for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's fine. Anyway, it's been really nice dating you for a while. And ... good luck! <b> </b><b> </b><b> RACHEL </b> Yeah, you too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry leaves. Cut to Jerry's apartment <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The New York Yankees?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The New York Yankees! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm the assistant to the travelling secretary. I'm going on the road trips with them! I'll be on the plane... I'm working in Yankee Stadium! This is a dream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe it. <b> </b> ( The door buzzes, J lets E up ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And I' moving out of my parents' house, I'm taking that apartment on 86th street, remember the one we saw? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's a great place! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm back in business, baby! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, I wouldn't get too excited about this stuff, you know, things have a way of evening out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! ( to Elaine, who doesn't look too cheerful ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How're things going? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How're things going? You wanna know how things are going? I'll tell you how things are going. I am getting kicked out of my apartment! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? Why are they doing that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know! They have a list of grievances. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The jewel thief? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, the jewel thief. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What else? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I put Canadian quarters in the washing machine. I gotta be out by the end of the month. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you could move in with my parents. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Was that the ... opposite ... of what you were going to say, or was that just instinct? ( She squeezes G's mouth between her fingers ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Instinct. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Stick ... with the opposite. ( Slaps G on the forehead ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, don't get too down. Everything'll even out, see, I have two friends, you were up, he was down. Now he's up, you're down. You see how it all evens out for me? <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to Pendant Publishing <b> </b><b> SECRETARY </b> Mr. Lippman, the people from Matsushimi are here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. LIPPMAN </b> Alright... tell them I'll be right there. Well, this is it, Elaine. You know, without this merger, we'd be out on the street. Boy, they sure saved us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ( Mr Lippman leaves the room, and forgets his handkerchief, which he probably needs because of his cold, and Elaine can't tell him, 'cos she's got her mouth full of Jujyfruit...) <b> </b><b> </b> ( Mr Lippman goes to meet the Japansese businessmen, then he sneezes, and realizes he doesn't have his handkerchief, but he is forced to meet the Japanese, as they have already spotted him and started talking to him ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> INTERPRETER </b> Mr Lippman, it is with great pride that we undertake this partnership with your company. <b> </b><b> </b> ( The Japansese "boss" reaches out his hand to shake Mr L's ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR LIPPMAN </b> I ... I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand right now. It's germs. <b> </b><b> </b> ( This leads to a loud discussion in Japanese, and we sense a rather hostile atmosphere ) <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to George's parents' house <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that the end of it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, it's the last one. <b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> I can't believe you're moving out. ( Grabs Kramer ) Kramer, is this true? Is it really happening? It's ... it's like a dream. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, it's true. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, let's go. <b> </b><b> FRANK </b> Don't get in trouble with the Yankees. You be nice. ( Slaps G's forehead ) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not gonna be nice. That's how I got the job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ESTELLE </b> Jerry, did you hear this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He knows what he's doing. <b> </b> ( G pulls both his parents to him ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just want the both of you to know how much you mean to me, and I love you both very, very much. <b> </b><b> </b> ( K and J look at each other ) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Opposite. <b> </b> Cut to Monk's <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I must've had at least eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why'd you have to eat so many? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them. I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd you expect him to blow his nose? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't say that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's true. I'm George! I'm George! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> ( Enter George, dressed in A Yankees suit ) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Greetings, people. Greetings. Greetings and salutations. What a beautiful day for a ball game. Let's play two! ( Sits down, says to waitress:) <b> </b><b> </b> Oh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual, you know what I get, darlin'. ( Turns to the Gang ) So, let's see, I had a little conversation today with Mr Don Mattingly - he's the first base man. We talked about his new batting stance, you know, I'm not crazy about it, but I said , "Danny, go with it 'till it stops workin'." Donny baseball. He's a helluva guy. <b> </b><b> </b> ( J and K pay the check ) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait, wait, wait, that's too much. Mine was more than yours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah ... let's call it even. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Coffee's a drink that seems to encourage a lot of accessories around it. Coffee cake, coffee table, coffee table book, clutches of people. Say what you want about alcohol, but not only are there not a lot of optional accessories, alcohol actually helps you get rid of things. Family, home, job, driver's license. In fact, at a certain point, the only thing you have to remember to get, is more alcohol And maybe a rag for your squeegee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Chaperone Script

1994-09-29

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE BIG SALAD </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> It's fascinating. When you go into a stationery store that they're manufacturing millions of pens; constantly we're all buying them. I must have bought six thousand Bics in my life. I've used up maybe two of them. Where are the rest of them? When you move the refrigerator there's a couple back there but it doesn't account for it. Where are all the pens? <b> </b> That's why it's so embarrassing if you don't have one. You got a pen? Can I borrow a pen? We always have to whisper because it's so humiliating. I don't have a pen. They're making millions of them every week! I know; where are they? <b> </b><b> </b> (Stationery store) <b> </b><b> STATIONER </b> May I help you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, uh, I'm looking for a Rollamech 1000 mechanical pencil. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STATIONER </b> Oh, I know the Rollamech 1000. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I'm sure you do. <b> </b><b> STATIONER </b> They're pretty expensive. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, it's for my boss. <b> </b><b> STATIONER </b> What do you do? <b> </b><b> STATIONER </b> Well, we don't have any in stock right now but I would be happy to order it for you. Just give me your phone number and when it comes in I'll give you a call. You're name is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> STATIONER </b> Elaine, . . . and your last name? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's just Elaine, like Cher. Ha ha ha <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STATIONER </b> And your number? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, aw, KL5-239O. <b> </b><b> STATIONER </b> Okay. Thanks a lot. You'll be hearing from me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, (to Jerry) Move along. . . <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why did you give him MY number? <b> </b> (On the street) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think he's got ideas. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I wonder if any woman ever said that about Einstein? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Call me when the pencil comes in Okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (On the street) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just call me when the new pen comes in, okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why does Mr. Pitt prefer a pencil to a pen anyway? Hey. Look who's here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey hey <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Hi Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Julie. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine, Julie. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Oh, hi. Elaine's my middle name. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, mine's "Ike". <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, wanna get some lunch? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just had a big bowl of Kix. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah, well, that's very mature. What about you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, no. <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Please come, Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no. How about if you bring me back something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sure, all right, what do you want? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, hum, I don't know.. . . A big salad? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What big salad? I'm going to the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They have big salads. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've never seen a big salad. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They have a big salad. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is that what I ask for? The BIG salad? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's okay, you don't... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, Hey I'll get it. What's in the BIG salad? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like volleyballs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (???), we'll see you in a little while. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Maybe I should just get married. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Dating is really starting to get embarrassing isn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know. You know, whenever I'm on a date I feel people can tell. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can say that again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's embarrassing for them. It's painful for us to watch. I'm going out with someone later, I'm not even taking her out of the house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Good for you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't need a bunch of people staring at us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right on baby. (???) <b> </b> (noise from hall) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What was that? <b> </b> (Kramer enters with his golf clubs) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That Gendason, what a jerk. I'm never playing golf with him again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who Gendason? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Steve Gendason. <b> </b><b> .ELAINE </b> Why is that name familiar? <b> HX </b> He used to be a baseball player. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, how did you end up playing golf with him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I met him on the course a couple of years ago. Yeah. Played with him a lot. But today was it! We're on the fifteenth hole, ya, he's beating me by a couple of strokes. Then, he's about to hit his second shot, when, he picks up the ball and CLEANS it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Umph, sorry! But the rules clearly state that you cannot clean the ball unless it's on the green. The rules are very clear about that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Certainly are. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ya, so I penalized him a stroke. <b> </b> Jx; Ah, so what happened? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He LOST IT! We almost came to blows. We were face to face like a manager and an umpire like this . . kara a pukka ba ya ka ba . . . <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. You're in MY face. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I still don't see what the big deal is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A rule is a rule. And let's face it. Without rules there's chaos. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monks) <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> I like Anna ???'s column and Sapphire. Don't you like Sapphire? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, Sapphire. Uh ha <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Although at times can be rather pedantic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He can be pedantic. He can be pedantic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JULIE </b> And Bob Herbert's great. He's the Daily News. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. Yes. You know what's interesting. The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is Bobby Hebert. No "r" which I find fascinating. You know it's Herbert h-e-r-b-e-r-t, Hebert h-e-b-e-r-t. "Hebert" it's a fun name to pronounce. Try and say it Hebert. Take a shot. All right. (check arrives) All right. I <b> </b><b> </b> got it. <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> No, no. I'd like to take you out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, Julie, Julie, don't insult me. You know, what difference does it make who pays for lunch. It's totally meaningless. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Okay, thanks, George. <b> </b><b> WX </b> Here's your big salad to go. <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Oh, thank you. <b> </b> (Jerry's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (on phone) Hello. No she's not here. Okay, fine, whatever. I'll tell her. Okay. Goodbye. The stationery store guy called to say he ORDERED your pencil. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I told ya'. He has ideas. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He doesn't even care if a man answers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Or you. <b> </b> (George and Julie enter) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Sorry e're late. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No problem. <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Here's your big salad. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thank you, Julie. <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Oh, you're very welcome. So, I guess I better get going. Gotta meet mother a t the Guggenheim. Sure you don't want to go? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, you go Guggenheim. I'm not much of a Guggenheim. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Sure, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya, you go. <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Okay, I'll see you later. Goodbye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bye bye <b> </b> (Julie exits) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you see what just happened? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that all depends. . . <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you happen to notice that Julie handed the big salad to Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, so? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, she didn't BUY the big salad. I bought the big salad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that a fact? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes it is. She just took credit for my salad. That's not right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No it isn't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I mean I'm the one who bought it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes you did. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think she should have said something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She could have. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Imagine, her taking credit for your big salad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know you buy a big salad for somebody it would be nice if they knew it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Obviously. <b> </b> (Kramer rushes in) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Turn on the TV. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm puttin it on... <b> </b><b> TV </b> . . . the district attorney's office and the police department have not answered any questions as yet. To repeat in case you're just joining us. Former baseball start Steve Genderson, has been taken to Police headquarters for questioning the murder of Bobby Pinkus the owner of Royal Dry Cleaners at 2759 Amsterdam Avenue. According to Pinkus' wife, Gendeson had been involved in a dispute with the cleaner about a stain on a pair of gray Sans-A-Belt slacks. We also have a report that earlier in the day a groundskeeper at Vancourtland's Golf Course saw an irate Gendeson leaving the clubhouse in a huff. Whether there is a possible connection between the two is something we'll just have to wait. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry . . . <b> JERRY </b> Well, it has nothing to do with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, but maybe he was so mad from the penalty stroke that he murdered the dry cleaner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, generally speaking you don't need any extra incentive to murder a dry cleaner. I wouldn't worry about that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (In a cab) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I like Julie. She's very personable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, she's very lovely. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's great George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So did you enjoy your lunch? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, A big salad. Very good. Actually it was too big. Ha ha ha Wht? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> oh, . . .because she handed you the bag. I could have handed you the bag. She happened to pick it up at the restaurant even though, . . . <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Even though what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> . . . naw, it's just you thanked HER, and and oh, . . . what's the difference? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What are you trying to say, George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's just that I was the one who actually paid for the big salad. She just happened to hand it to you. But it's no big deal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You want the money for the big salad, George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no, <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is the problem? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> There is no problem. . . just a small miscommunication. Whereby you thanked her instead of the person actually responsible for purchasing the big salad. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And Kramer thinks a penalty stroke may have driven him to it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> Well, they haven't even arrested him yet. Come on, let's go out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, no , I don't think so. <b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We don't need a bunch of people staring at us. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> Who is staring? <b> JERRY </b> Oh, they're staring. They know we're on a date. They're making fun. Come on. It's embarrassing. <b> </b><b> </b> (Phone rings) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. No she's not here. Yes I will tell her. No I don't know what time she might be coming back. Look I gotta' go. Goodbye. . . . That, that's a long story. <b> </b><b> </b> (Newman enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello Newman. <b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> Hello Jerry, I was wondering if you knew where Kramer was. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no I don't. Why? <b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> You know, Genderson. This is something big. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I suppose. <b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> What did Kramer say? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. Nothing.? <b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> Come on Jerry. You know something TELL ME! TELL ME!, Oh, chocolates . . . Margaret? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You two know each other? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You might say that. <b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> We used to go out. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, tootle loo. And nice seeing you again Margaret, goodbye Jerry. Have fun. Hehe <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> . . . YOU went out with . . . Newman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> Just a few times. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> I liked him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You liked, Newman? <b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> Look I'm a little uncomfortable talking about this okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm sorry. I'm just a little curious. I mean why did you stop seeing him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> He ended it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> . . . HE ended it? <b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> YES!! Yes! It was a couple of years ago. Why does it matter? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no of course not. <b> </b> (Kramer enters) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, Jerry they found a tee. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What tee? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A golf tee. In the dry cleaner. <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Newman! She went out with Newman! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It must be a mistake. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. It isn't and the most distressing part of it is, not that she went out with him but that HE stopped seeing her. Do you understand? He, Newman; Newman stopped seeing her. Newman never stopped seeing anybody. Newman will see whoever is willing to see him. Not so much why she did see him as disturbing as that is. But why, did HE, Newman, stop seeing her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Perhaps there's more to him than meets the eye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, there's less. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's possible. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No it isn't. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WX </b> Would you like some more coffee? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No,, but thank you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, by the way, your stationery store guy called and he's got your pencil. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ugh! You are kidding me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, he left the store early, made a special trip to the distributor and got it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I bought mine yesterday on 14th Street. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what did you do that for? You ordered it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> To please Mr. Pitt. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you better go down there and tell this guy. He's very excited. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, great! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Julie. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi Julie. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, how are you, Elaine? I'm meeting George here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, well then I better get going otherwise George will make me buy him lunch to make up for that big salad he bought me yesterday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you know THAT? <b> </b> (Newman's apartment) <b> </b> (knock knock) <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Who is it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's Jerry. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> You've come at a bad time now. Could you come back later? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on Newman. OPEN THE DOOR! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hellooo Jerry. What a rare treat. What brings you down to the east wing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, pudgy, lets stop playing games. What happened with margaret? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> There's no need to get excited. Can't we discuss this like gentlemen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, we can't. My skin is crawling just being inside your little rat's nest. Now, what happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Do you really want to know what happened? I'll tell you what Happened. She wasn't my type. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Noit your type? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Not really. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, how come? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Ah, she just didn't do it for me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, what is wrong with her? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well, h ha ha- if you're happy with her, that's all that matters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't think she's attractive? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> No. I need a really pretty face. But, Hey, that's me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, Newman, thanks a lot. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Care for some lemonade? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, thank you. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Drop bye anytime, jerry. Hah, ha ha <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Listen to this, "If a player cleans his ball during the play of a hole accept on the putting green he shall incur a penalty of one stroke. " That's a rule, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But it's just a friendly game. Why do you have to be such a stickler? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Because that's the way I weas raised. You know when I was growing up I had to be in bed every night by nine o'clock. And if I wasn't, well I don't have to tell you what happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you so worried about this for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You know he talked about Pinkus on the course? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He did? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, he said he brought a pair of pants into Pinkus' and they came back stained with some kind of dry cleaning fluid. And Pinkus denied responsibility. You see he was very upset with Pinkus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So it had nothing to do with you. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, but maybe I pushed him over the edge. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't think so. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Poor Pinkus, poor little Pinkus. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, let me ask you a question. You met margaret. Doo you think Margaret's good looking? Um, she's a natural beauty. Oh, no makeup. I like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, and the curls. You like the curls? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I love curls. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah,, me too. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where you going? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Genderson's. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're going to see Genderson? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's weighing on my conscience. <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, I think I could have played with dolls if their were dolls in the house. It seems like fun to me. It doesn't seem like a gender thing. I think I would like to play with dolls. What's so terrible? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Ha. So, George, I was talking to Elaine before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A ha! We're just friends. <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Yes, well anyway, she said something that was kind of intriguing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, share. <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Well, when I came over to the table she mentioned something about how she better hurry up and leave or you'd make her buy lunch to make up for the one you bought yesterday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ha, ha ha uh, I'm not following that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Well, my question is, How could Elaine be under the impression that you bought the big salad, when I was the one who handed it to her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, she probably just assumed. <b> </b><b> JULIE </b> Um, did she? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> . . .uh, . . . wait a second. Are you suggesting that I went out of my way to tell Elaine that even though you handed her the big salad, that it came from me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JULIE </b> That's what I'm suggesting. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> . . . WELL IT WAS A BIG SALAD. AND WHAT </b><b> I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IS, HOW DOES A </b><b> PERSON WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE </b><b> BIG SALAD CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT </b><b> SALAD AND ACCEPT THE THANK YOU UNDER </b><b> FALSE PRETENSES - AH - AH? </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JULIE </b> George, all I did was hand someone a bag. <b> </b><b> </b> (Julie leaves) <b> </b> (Stationery store) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's just that my boss is very demanding and he needed the pencil right away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STATIONER </b> Well,, why did you tell me to order it if you knew you were going to get one someplace else? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no no I didn't know. I, I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STATIONER </b> I went all the way down to the warehouse. It took me three hours. I had a big fight with the foreman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? A fight with the foreman? <b> </b><b> STATIONER </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, again, I'm just awfully sorry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STATIONER </b> Yeah? Well, then how about going out with me tonight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay. <b> </b> (In Margaret's car) <b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> I mean they found a tee and he played golf that day. Nobody walks into a dry cleaner's with a tee. The circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You had how many dates with him? Three? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> Around three. I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And . . <b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> I told you. He stopped calling me. I moved on. I'm not hung up on him. What are you looking at? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? I'm not looking. Nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why are you looking at my face? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where am I going to look? <b> </b><b> MARGARET </b> Kiss me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> . . . I can't. <b> </b> (Throws Jerry out onto sidewalk and drives off) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Newman! <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All I could think of was when I was looking at her face was; Newman found this unacceptable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, ,I'm going out with the stationery store guy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're going out with the stationery store guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I felt so guilty about the pencil I couldn't say no. <b> </b><b> </b> (George enters, upset) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, well, well, I'm not treating you to lunch ANYMORE! You had to tell Julie that I made a special point of telling you that I bought you the big salad. Didn't ya'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, uh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, if it was a regular salad I wouldn't have said anything. But you had to have the BIG SALAD. <b> </b><b> </b> (phone rings) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, what? You're kidding. I'm turning it on. Oh, my god. Get out of here. (hangs up) Hey listen to this. They issued a warrant for Genderson's arrest. He escaped and the police spotted him on the New Jersey Turnpike. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TV </b> As you can see white Bronco. The police have cleared the highway traffic in front of him but they are keeping their distance and don't want the situation to escalate. And we have gotten an identification on the driver of the vehicle. His name is; Kramer, one of Genderson's golfing buddies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POLICE </b> 9-1-1 What are you reporting <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, this is Kramer. I got Genderson in the car. He wants to see his fish. I'm taking him to see his fish. So tell the police to back off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POLICE </b> Okay, sir, and what's your name? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My name is Kramer. You know who I am dammit! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GENDERSON </b> I told you not to take the turnpike. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought we would blend in. <b> </b><b> GENDERSON </b> If we took the palisades this never have happened. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> we would have had all that bridge traffic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GENDERSON </b> Ah, just drive. <b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Jail doesn't really seem like that great of revenge. Wouldn't years of subtle psychological mind games be a lot more satisfying? Constantly calling him, hanging up when he answers the phone. Sending pizzas and taxis to their house all night long. After a while he would go, "I wish that guy would kill me already, I can't take it anymore." And how come when the police catch some really bad criminal or something they put him in the handcuffs, they hit him with the baton, they put the choke hold on him, then they're always careful they don't want him to hurt his head when they're putting him in the back of the patrol car. "Watch your head, watch your head. Don't hit that metal edge there. . . . That REALLY hurts" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Big Salad Script

1994-10-06

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE PLEDGE DRIVE </b> Written by Tom Gammill &amp; Max Pross <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> There's something very insincere about these greeting cards we send back and <b> </b> forth to each other all the time. They're like these little one-dollar folded <b> </b> paper emotional prostitutes, isn't it? "I don't know what my feelings are, so <b> </b> I'll just pay some total stranger a buck to make up this little Hallmark hooker <b> </b> to do the job for me. So I can go, 'Yeah, I didn't write this, but whatever <b> </b> they wrote, I think the same thing.'" Wouldn't it be better if we just had one <b> </b> card that covered every occasion for everybody in one shot? Just "Happy <b> </b> birthday, merry Christmas, happy anniversary, congratulations, it's a Boy and <b> </b> our deepest sympathies. Signed, the whole office" <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Jerry and in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She was hitting on you? My friend Noreen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your friend, Noreen. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you sure you're not just flattering yourself? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If I was flattering myself, I think I'd come up with someone a little <b> </b><b> </b> less annoying than Noreen. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I cannot believe that she was hitting on you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If you don't believe me, ask her. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I will. Besides, she's got a boyfriend, Jerry, you know him. Dan. <b> </b> Remember, we went to that party at his house? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, right. The guy who talks with a really high voice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, did you get my Fortune magazine in your mail? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Check the pile. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, who sent you a card? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Open it, it's from Hallmark. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hello, my love. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello, darling. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Isn't that cute, a 'thank you' card from Kristin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let me see. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who's Kristin? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She works for PBS, I met her when I agreed to do that pledge drive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Did you ask her about me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, in fact she said that you could be one of those people that sits <b> </b> in the back and answers the phone. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Giddy-up! Alright! So now, how does that work? Now, what, I get a <b> </b> percentage of every pledge I bring in, right? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer work. All the money goes <b> </b> to the station. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, yeah, alright, that sounds good, but I still get a tote bag <b> </b> though, right? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, and one of those foam beer can holders. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer leaves, satisfied. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know what I'm doing? I'm calling Noreen. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, go ahead. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You sure you don't mind? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like she's really going to admit she was flirting with me. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine finishes dialing, the phone rings and a high pitched voice answers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HIGH PITCHED VOICE </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, it's Elaine. Listen, I was just talking to Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HIGH PITCHED VOICE </b> Jerry? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> HIGH PITCHED VOICE </b> Oh, I like Jerry a lot. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You mean like like? <b> </b><b> HIGH PITCHED VOICE </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Noreen, were you hitting on him? <b> </b> Cut to the other end of the conversation, there's a bald man on the telephone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HIGH PITCHED VOICE </b> Noreen's not here, this is Dan. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ooh. <b> </b><b> DAN </b> You say that Noreen was hitting on Jerry Seinfeld? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, I'll call you back later. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh oh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So was I right? She likes me, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine is sharpening pencils for Mr. Pitt. The phone is ringing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Hello? (to Elaine) It's for you. Must you keep giving <b> </b> my number out? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Pitt. Hello? <b> </b><b> HIGH PITCHED VOICE </b> Elaine? What is going on? Why did you tell Dan I was <b> </b> hitting on Jerry Seinfeld? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is this Noreen? <b> </b><b> HIGH PITCHED VOICE </b> What would ever possess you to make up a story <b> </b> like that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, listen, Jerry mentioned it, and, I don't know-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> DAN </b> I think I deserve an explanation. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Noreen, are you crying? <b> </b><b> DAN </b> No, this is Dan! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, hi Dan. <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Elaine? Work? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tell Noreen I'll just call her back later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Who was crying? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No one. I'm sorry Mr. Putt, that won't happen again. <b> </b><b> </b> Mr. Pitt (unwrapping a candy bar, placing it on a plate and cutting it with <b> </b><b> KNIFE AND FORK) </b> I'm sure it won't, but someone was crying and I want to know <b> </b> who it was. <b> </b> Well, it's a long story, okay? But my stupid friend Jerry told my other friend <b> </b> Noreen that she was-- (noticing Mr. Pitt eating the candy bar with knife and <b> </b> fork and becoming distracted) You know, hitting on him and so I called her to <b> </b> see what was, uh, going on and I accidentally got her boyfriend, who is this, <b> </b> you know-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Kristin, the PBS rep, are in Jerry's apartment. Jerry is reading from <b> </b> a sheet of paper. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking <b> </b> about the financial crisis at PBS. Show us you care. Call in your pledge now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRISTIN </b> Jerry, I am so grateful that you're doing this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I know you are. <b> </b><b> KRISTIN </b> You got the card I sent? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I did. <b> </b><b> KRISTIN </b> So where is it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRISTIN </b> The card. Is this it in the trash? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No? <b> </b><b> KRISTIN </b> This is my card, you threw it away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well-- <b> </b><b> KRISTIN </b> I put a lot of thought into this card. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You signed your name and you addressed the envelope, it's not like you <b> </b> painted the picture and wrote the poem. <b> </b><b> KRISTIN </b> Fine. I gotta get back to the office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why, because I threw the card out? How long was I supposed to save it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRISTIN </b> You have no sentimentality. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have sentimentality, really, I'm sentimental. Here, look. Here's <b> </b> some cards I've saved, these are birthday cards from my grandmother, see, I'm <b> </b> not a bad guy. <b> </b><b> KRISTIN </b> Oh, so you save her cards but not mine! Oh great! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, but, you see, I saved something! <b> </b><b> </b> See? I can save. I'll see you at the pledge drive, ok? <b> </b> Kramer enters as Kristin leaves. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> New cards, huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, they're old cards from my grandmother. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. Well, I'll tell you, a nice greeting card can really lift a <b> </b> person's spirits. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, a check. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, she puts ten dollars in every card for my birthday, that's why I <b> </b><b> </b> save them. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There's a check in all these? Why don't you cash them? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, it's ten dollars. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But you got a whole pile here. 1987? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh so what. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, your grandmother gave you this gift. She wants you to spend the <b> </b> money, to have the fun that she can't have. Oh, this is tantamount to a slap in <b> </b> the face. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, get out of here. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, a gift not enjoyed is like a flower that doesn't blossom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, alright, I'll cash the checks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was a 'thank you' card from Kristin because I'm doing the PBS drive. <b> </b> I mean, how long am I supposed to keep it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The rule is a minimum of two days. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You making that up or do you know what you're talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm making it up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean really, what's the point of saving it? I could see if I had a <b> </b> mantel. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, well, a mantel's a whole different story. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Absolutely. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If my parents had a mantel, I might be a completely different person. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So anyway, she's kind of upset about it so I need you to do me a favor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let's have it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm doing the PBS show, so during the show they're gonna be <b> </b> running the Ken Burns baseball thing. So I thought if I could get a baseball <b> </b> player to come on the show with me... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You want me to ask one of the Yankees. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Could you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright. I'll run it by a few people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, Do your thing, where you lie to everyone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I should never have made that phone call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, did you ever get to talk to Noreen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, she's very upset. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So was I right about the flirting? Was it true? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know, I never asked. She was yelling-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who was flirting with you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Remember when we were in the bookstore, that woman came up to us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She wasn't flirting with you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, sure she was; Asked me where the 'humor' section was? Humor? Come <b> </b> on. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, her brother just had a book of political cartoons published. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and George laugh derisively. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, so maybe she wasn't flirting with me. So what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, yeah, that's funny. Hey, you wanna hear something weird? Mr. Pitt <b> </b> eats his Snickers bars with a knife and fork. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why does he do that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He probably doesn't want to get chocolate on his fingers. That's the <b> </b> way these society types eat their candy bars. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you think I eat all my meals with you? (To waitress) Excuse me, <b> </b> sweetheart? I think you may have overcharged us. What is this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> That's the extra toast. Get it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Got it. (the waitress walks away) Did you just see what happened <b> </b> here? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the finger. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's how waitress types express derision. They don't want to get <b> </b> their mouths dirty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George is in a meeting at work. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, what do you think? <b> </b><b> MR. MORGAN </b> A PBS fundraiser? I'm not gonna waste any of the players' time <b> </b> with that, besides the team already does so much promotion for channel eleven. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Channel eleven? Forgive me for trying to class up this place, for <b> </b> trying to have the Yankees reach another strata of society that might not watch <b> </b> channel eleven. <b> </b> George begins eating a candy bar with knife and fork. <b> </b><b> MR. MORGAN </b> Uh, what the hell are you doing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I am eating my dessert. How do you eat it, with your hands? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. MORGAN </b> You know, maybe George has something here about PBS. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Kramer are at an ATM. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, sixty bucks from Nana. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh? Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Nana is home knitting, the phone rings. <b> </b><b> NANA </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Hello, this is Chemical Bank. Just wanted you to know that your <b> </b> checking account is overdrawn. <b> </b><b> NANA </b> Chemical Bank? I haven't used that account in months. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Well, someone's been cashing the checks and you're overdrawn. <b> </b><b> </b> Oh dear. I'll be down there first thing in the morning. <b> </b><b> VOICE </b> Wait, we can do this over the phone. <b> </b> the alarm, fully dressed, gathers her coat and purse, sighs, and heads for the <b> </b> door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George, Jerry and Kramer are at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got Danny Tartabull?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You wanted a Yankee, I got you a Yankee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, you really came through. Kristin's gonna be thrilled. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, the Bull owes me one, I helped him with his swing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So you're bringing Danny Tartabull to the fundraiser tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Absolutely. Pending approval of the script. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, I'm Yankee management. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I'd like to see the script too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're just answering phones! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It would put me at ease. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, when you order from the waitress, get her to point to the menu. I <b> </b> want to see what finger she uses. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, say, I wanted a side order of fruit but I didn't see it on the men <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Oh, you're getting it (pointing to menu with index finger), it comes <b> </b> with your breakfast special. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right you are. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't get the special, but I'd also like the fresh fruit too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> I'll check. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't believe it, she did it again! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, she had an itch. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She had an itch. She could have used any one of those fingers. That <b> </b> finger was meant for me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, she knew what she was doing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> By the way, lunch is on me. I just cashed my Nana's birthday checks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Nana is standing on a deserted street in front of an abandoned building, <b> </b> checking for an address. A street tough approaches from behind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STREET TOUGH </b> Looking for something, lady? <b> </b><b> NANA </b> Isn't the Chemical Bank on this block? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STREET TOUGH </b> The bank? It burned. It's gone! <b> </b><b> NANA </b> Oh dear. <b> </b><b> STREET TOUGH </b> Now what you wanna do is go down to forty-ninth street, that's <b> </b> the main customer service branch. Ask for Mr. Fleming. He'll help you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is in his apartment, the phone rings. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Jerry? Hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uncle Leo! <b> </b> Listen, I don't want to alarm you, but your nana is missing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nana's missing? <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> I came to pick her up for a doctor's appointment, she wasn't here. <b> </b> I called the doctor, nobody knows where she is. She hasn't left the apartment <b> </b> in twenty-five years! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've been thinking about her, I just cashed some of her checks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, that's right. You did. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> What kind of checks? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think Chemical Bank. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, they were Chemical. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Chemical?! She hasn't used that account since her branch closed. <b> </b> What are you doing cashing her checks anyway? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, Kramer thought it would make her happy. (To Kramer) I never <b> </b> should have cashed those checks! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, I didn't twist your arm. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Your grandmother's on a very fixed income. What, are you broke? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just call me if you hear anything. (hangs up and faces Kramer) Well? <b> </b> I cashed the checks, the checks bounced and now my Nana's missing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, don't look at me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's your fault! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum <b> </b> checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Mr. Morgan is sitting at an outdoor cafe, eating a candy bar with a knife and <b> </b> fork. Noreen walks by and takes notice. Cut to Noreen and Elaine seated at the <b> </b> counter at Monk's. <b> </b><b> NOREEN </b> So anyway, it's caused a lot of problems. Dan thinks I'm interested in <b> </b> Jerry, he won't let up. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm really sorry, but you can see why I'd make a mistake like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NOREEN </b> No, why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you know, because he's a high talker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NOREEN </b> He does raise his voice occasionally, but that's normal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. No, no, no, not a loud talker, a high talker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NOREEN </b> Really? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You don't think his voice sounds a lot like yours? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NOREEN </b> I never noticed that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, it's no big deal, you know, it's just that he can sound like a <b> </b> woman, you know? <b> </b><b> NOREEN </b> Great. I'm going out with a man who sounds like a woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, he looks like a man. <b> </b><b> NOREEN </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He's bald. I know that's a guy thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NOREEN </b> I guess. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know he belches a lot. <b> </b><b> NOREEN </b> Well, that's something. So, Jerry thought I was flirting with him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> NOREEN </b> Hm. He's kind of a baritone, isn't he? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> NOREEN </b> I'm eating this cookie. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, no, but why are you using a knife and a fork? Did you just <b> </b> think of that? <b> </b><b> NOREEN </b> No, I've seen people do it. I like it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George is driving Danny Tartabull to the pledge drive. <b> </b><b> DANNY TARTABULL </b> This isn't gonna take long, is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh no, in and out, I made sure of that. And you'll be happy to know I <b> </b> perused the script and it's met with my approval. <b> </b><b> DANNY TARTABULL </b> I'm sure it's fine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! Watch it! Did you see that guy? He just gave me the <b> </b> finger! <b> </b><b> DANNY TARTABULL </b> You sure? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah! Middle finger, straight up, at me! At us! <b> </b><b> </b><b> DANNY TARTABULL </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm following him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Nana is at the bank. <b> </b><b> BANKER </b> I'm sorry, the account had insufficient funds. We had to return the <b> </b> checks made out to a Mr. Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> NANA </b> Oh dear, that's my grandson. May I call him now and explain? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANKER </b> Oh, certainly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And now I think she might really be interested in you. And Dan is <b> </b> obsessed, he keeps leaving these annoying messages on my machine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The phone rings. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Would you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello? <b> </b><b> NANA </b> Hello, I need to speak to Jerry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, it's you. We were just talking about you. <b> </b> Listen, Jerry doesn't want to talk to you. Nobody wants to talk to you, so why <b> </b> don't you just drop dead? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Heh? <b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Any word from Nana? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nana? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, my grandma's missing. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Missing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. I think it might have something to do with those checks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, what does Nana sound like? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like a grandmother, why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you hung up on my Nana?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know, maybe. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You told Nana to drop dead?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's possible. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, it is! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, alright. Look, Jerry, we gotta get down to PBS, PDQ. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George is still driving, he's all worked up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No one gives us the finger! We're Yankees! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DANNY TARTABULL </b> Want this last donut? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, you can have it. <b> </b> Danny Tartabull begins eating the donut with a knife and fork. George takes <b> </b> notice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Kramer are at PBS. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, where are all the tote bags? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm not leaving the premises without tote bags. I was promised <b> </b> tote bags and tote bags I shall have. <b> </b><b> KRISTIN </b> Jerry, this man wants to see you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Leo? <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uncle Leo! What are you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> I wanted to tell you that your grandmother is fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> She's had quite a day but she's gonna watch you tonight on the TV. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRISTIN </b> Jerry, I'm dying to meet Danny Tartabull. Where is he? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He'll be here any second. <b> </b><b> KRISTIN </b> You know you guys are both on in five minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah. <b> </b><b> KRISTIN </b> Okay. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Why didn't you tell me you were a little short? Here. If anybody <b> </b> asks you where you got it, you don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, that's ok, I really don't need any money. <b> </b><b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> What are you talking about? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Please- <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> I want- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not necessary. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Jerry, would you please take it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't, I can't take it. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> I want you to have it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uncle Leo, I don't want to have it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> Jerry, take the money! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't want it!! <b> </b> There's a knock at the door. <b> </b><b> HIGH PITCHED VOICE </b> Jerry, open up. We need to talk. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Who's that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know what? It sounds like the friend of Elaine's that was hitting <b> </b> on me in the book store. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, I'll take care of it. <b> </b> Kramer walks out and sees Dan. <b> </b><b> DAN </b> Is Jerry in there? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, he can't be disturbed now. <b> </b><b> DAN </b> Well this situation is driving me crazy. He's all I think about. I can't <b> </b> get him out of my mind. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm sorry. I mean, I know what it's like to be in love. Ties you up <b> </b> in knots. And Jerry is a very sexy man. <b> </b><b> DAN </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, I'm not judging you. In fact, we here at PBS, we have many <b> </b> programs celebrating your lifestyle. Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City, <b> </b> Gender Bending and Swinging in San Francisco. Before Stonewall about those dark <b> </b> ages when you couldn't come out of the closet, lest you be persecuted because of <b> </b> your, you know. <b> </b><b> DAN </b> No, I don't. <b> </b><b> KRISTIN </b> Are you Danny Tartabull? <b> </b><b> DAN </b> No, I'm not. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George is parked at a gas station, he steps out of the car and slams the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll take care of this, Danny. <b> </b> George approaches the man he's been following, who's now pumping gas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Excuse me. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> What's the problem? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I believe you cut me off, and then made an obscene gesture. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> I did? Where? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Outside of Manhattan, about an hour ago. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Wow! Is that Danny Tartabull? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's right, of the New York Yankees. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> I'd like to shake his hand but I can't. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The man holds up his arm, it's in a cast with his middle finger sticking <b> </b> straight up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is doing his bit for PBS. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking <b> </b> about the financial crisis here at PBS. Our lines are open, so please call the <b> </b> number you see on your screen. <b> </b> Cut to Nana, watching the pledge drive. She picks up the phone and dials. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Jerry, <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is the only time this year we'll be asking for donations. You've <b> </b> been enjoying Ken Burns' Baseball- <b> </b> Cut to Kramer sitting at the phone bank, his phone rings. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> PBS pledge drive. <b> </b><b> NANA </b> Hello, I'd like to speak with Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, you again. Buddy, look, forget about Jerry. It's not gonna <b> </b> happen. <b> </b><b> NANA </b> This is his grandmother. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, uh, Nana. Hello. <b> </b><b> NANA </b> Tell Jerry I'm sorry, I'm going to have to write him some new checks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> As long as you've got your checkbook out, how about forking a little <b> </b> over to PBS? You watch the station, don't you? You don't want to be a <b> </b> freeloader. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> -programs like Ken Burns' Baseball. And if Danny Tartabull were here, <b> </b><b> </b> I'm sure he'd say, 'That's correct, Jerry.' <b> </b> Kramer rises in the background. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry? I have an announcement. Your grandmother is on the line. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My Nana? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And as we speak, she's generously writing PBS a check for fifteen <b> </b> hundred dollars! <b> </b> Everybody applauds as Uncle Leo comes out from sidestage. <b> </b><b> UNCLE LEO </b> She can't do that, she's on a very fixed income! Stop the show!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Elaine are at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got another card from Kristin. Not quite as chipper as the first one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wow. Isn't this little bunny giving you the- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, he is. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You should show this to Georgie. <b> </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Here's your knife and fork. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, she's cutting up an Almond Joy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I just don't get it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I saw someone on the street eating M&amp;Ms with a spoon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is wrong with everybody? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look, they're doing it. They're all doing it! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is wrong with all you people?! Have you all gone mad?!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Pledge Drive Script

1994-10-13

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE CHINESE WOMAN </b> Written by Peter Mehlman <b> </b><b> </b> (The street) <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Good shave today.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [wry/sarcastic] Don't worry, Jerry, I can manage these bags; really I'm <b> </b> fine. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I'm thinkin' of lettin' my sideburns grow in a little.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Can we rest here a second. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [pause] Yeah, I guess. <b> </b> [She sits on the stairs of a small entryway.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> .. So how's Noreen? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Mm! She's got a new boyfriend: Paul. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Already? That was fast.. I assume he's not a High Talker.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> No, but, he has, The Worst Habit. Whenever he answers the phone, he <b> </b> won't put Noreen right on. Ya have'ta go through, like, ten minutes of <b> </b> chit-chat. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> A Long Talker. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Yeah! But he is so boring! But now, whenever he answers the phone: <b> I </b><b> </b> just hang up. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [pause] All right; let's move it out. <b> </b> [ELAINE gets her bags.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Hey, isn't that George's father? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah, it is! Should we say hello? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I've never seen him in Manhattan before; it's weird. So out of context. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> That man he's with: is he wearing a cape? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I believe he is wearing a cape. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Why is Mr. Costanza with a man in a cape? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well, it is good cape weather. Cool. Breezy. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, why a cape? Who wears a cape? Where do you even get a cape? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> You're right; it is strange. In fact, let's cross to the other side of <b> </b> the street. Cover me. <b> </b> [ELAINE positions the bags to cover her face and upper body. JERRY walks <b> </b> by her so he's out of view, too.] <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [End of Intro-- time: 1:23] <b> </b> [Commercial Break] <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [JERRY and ELAINE arrive at JERRY's "house."] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Just, ah, plop it on the counter there. <b> </b> [ELAINE drops one bag deliberately and throws the others on the counter. <b> </b> He hadn't helped her at all on the way--payback time. Then, during the <b> </b> following, she spends a lot of time looking for food in the bags and <b> </b> puts some in one bag--presumably hers.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Oh! I got a message. [presses button on phone machine] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [on tape] Hey, it's George. I got nothin' to say.. [beeeep] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> That sounds Urgent.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Let me call him back.. <b> </b> Hello?? Who is this? <b> </b> Donna Chang? Oh, I'm sorry, I must o' dialed the wrong number. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Donna Chang? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [is redialing] Should've talked to her; I love Chinese women. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Isn't that a little racist? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> If I like their race, how can that be racist?.. <b> </b> Hellooo??.. <b> </b> Oh, is this Donna Chang again?!.. <b> </b> Yyy-yes, I am calling George.. <b> </b> Oh, the lines are crossed; you're getting his calls. Well, what do you <b> </b> know?! <b> </b> [KRAMER comes in. He's got a bottle of water. JERRY stays on the line to <b> </b> chat with Donna.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So listen.. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> I'm goin' through this stuff like water.. [to JERRY] Who you talkin' to? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> He's on with a Chinese woman. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Oooo, ooooo. You know, I dig Asian women. [a little distracted, pulling <b> </b> down his underwear in back, through his pants] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> You got a.. comfort problem there? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I think these Jockeys shrunk. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I thought you wore silk underwear. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> No. Well, you know, I wore 'em for about a month but I couldn't stay <b> </b> with it. Yeah, I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. [he's serious. <b> </b> Then he makes a hand gesture of grabbing up.] My boys need a house. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [not charmed..] That's nice. <b> </b> Listen, Kramer, you know, if you ever want to have kids you shouldn't <b> </b> wear briefs. Boxers are much better for your sperm count. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Sperm count? <b> </b> Well how many ssssperm should I have? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> A lot. <b> </b> [JERRY comes back. He'd wandered into the bedroom and is now off the <b> </b> phone.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I got a date! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> With the Chinese woman?! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> She knew who I was! She saw me in a club one time! My first date ever <b> </b> with the Pacific Rim. I'm very excited. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Jerry. Did ya ever have your sperm count checked? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> No, why should I? I wear boxers. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> You ever get a woman pregnant? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry, Kramer. Those records are permanently sealed.. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> What would you say if I told you, "I never impregnated a woman"? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Really? You never slipped one past the goalie in all these years??.. <b> </b> Boy, I'm surprised. You've slept with a lot of women, I-- <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> A lot of 'em! [wild gesture, freaked out] <b> </b> Do you think maybe I'm.. Depleted??!! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm sure you're not.. Totally Depleted. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Well, but what if I am? I'm the last male Kramer! We're facing extinction! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well, go to a fertility clinic. Have your sperm count checked. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, but then I'd have to.. well, you know.. into a cup? In the middle <b> </b> of the day?? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Does that conflict with your regular schedule? <b> </b> [KRAMER, distracted, leaves.] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [going to the phone, she's been eating chips from small package of them] <b> </b> All right. I'm gonna try Noreen again. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I am very excited about this date! We're goin' to Hunan Balcony! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> She's Chinese so you suggest Chinese food? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> She suggested it! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> She's very assimilated. <b> </b> [Elaine's on the phone--we hear a male, "Hello?" on the other end. <b> </b> ELAINE quickly hangs up.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Paul again? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [matter of fact] You can't get one ring past him. <b> </b> [GEORGE comes in.] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Hey, hey, hey! You don't call me back?! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I tried! Your line's crossed with a Chinese woman! <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Uh? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [coming toward GEORGE to sit over by JERRY, who's on the arm of the <b> </b> couch. GEORGE is standing.] Hey, George, we saw your father on the <b> </b> street before. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> What's he doin' in the city today? <b> </b> [They both shrug.] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> You didn't ask him? <b> </b> [They both shake heads no. Elaine's eating chips.] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> You didn't say hello? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Well, he was with someone. <b> </b> A man.. In a cape. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Why was he wearing a cape?.. <b> </b> [ELAINE and JERRY shrug.] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Was my father wearing a cape? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> No. Jacket and tie: no cape. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Huh.. Cape.. [turns, slowly goes to door] W--a man with a cape doin' <b> </b> with my father?.. What was my father doing with a man in a cape? .. <b> </b> [opens door] Why a cape? [out the door and gone] <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [Fertility clinic. In an examination room. Kramer's waiting. The DOCTOR <b> </b> comes in.] <b> </b> <b> DOCTOR </b> The results of your sperm test are in. <b> </b> Well, ummm.. Are you planning to start a family? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Yes! I would like to! Very much!.. <b> </b> Well, I'm low, now, aren't I? I ca--I can feel it!... <b> </b> <b> DOCTOR </b> Yes, I'm afraid you're a little low. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Ohhh. Man!! It's over! The Kramer name is finished! I'm never goin' to <b> </b> procreate! I-- <b> </b> <b> DOCTOR </b> Hey--that's not necessarily true. There are measures you can take to <b> </b> improve your fertility. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> All right, all right. What. What. You tell me; I'll do anything. Come <b> </b> on, Doc, tell me. <b> </b> <b> DOCTOR </b> First thing: you should wear boxer shorts. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> All the time? <b> </b> <b> DOCTOR </b> All the time. Ya have to get off Jockeys right away. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, but I've always worn Jockeys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [At Elaine's. She's in her robe and talking on the phone, blowing a hair <b> </b> dryer onto the phone.] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Hi Paul! It's Elaine calling! <b> </b> Yeah, I'm calling from a car phone so I don't really have time to talk. <b> </b> Is, is, uh, Noreen there?!.. Oh. She's not?! Okay, great. Well you can <b> </b> just tell her I called, then, an'-- <b> </b> Well, yes. It has been unseasonably cool lately.. <b> </b> Oh, okay, well, I'm pulling up to the building now. So, I'm gonna.. <b> </b> [a little later, is sitting] Yeah, I took 20%, too.. <b> </b> Uuum. Look it's uh.. [turns hair dryer on and off] Paul. The.. car.. <b> </b> seems to be running out of gas. .. I'm gonna.. have to get off the <b> </b> phone. [hangs up] <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [Night. The Hunan Balcony. Jerry's in the waiting area, in a good mood, <b> </b> sitting next to a GUY.] <b> </b> <b> HOSTESS </b> Just let me know when the rest of your party has arrived, sir. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Yes, I will. <b> </b> <b> GUY </b> [indicating a cigarette] Mind? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [good mood] No--go ahead--I second-hand smoke two packs a day. <b> </b> [DONNA CHANG walks up. She's not oriental. But is good-looking.] <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> Jerry. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [pause] 'scuse me? <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> Hi. Sorry I'm late. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Who're you? <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> I'm Donna Chang.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [stands, in shock, it's not sinking in] What do you mean? <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> I mean: I'm Donna Chang. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [pause] You're Donna Chang? <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> Did you think I was Chinese?.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Oh. No. Oh, you mean because of the "Chang"? <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> Actually, the family name wasn't originally Chang. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I didn't think so. <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> It used to be "Changstein." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [Day. At Jerry's, ELAINE and JERRY. She's making herself a bowl of <b> </b> Raisin Bran.] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> She's not Chinese? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> No. Not Chinese. <b> </b> Not even Asian. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> So. What is she? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well, she's.. like you. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [pause] Oh, how.. disappointed you must have been. [walks to couch, with <b> </b> her cereal] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well, it's false advertising, see? And the thing is, I think she likes <b> </b> people thinkin' she's Chinese. She suggests Chinese food. She always <b> </b> introduces herself as "Donna Chang,".. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> So why're you seeing her again.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well, she is a woman. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I spoke to Paul an' Noreen. They might be breakin' up. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Well, maybe. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [sits on couch as something occurs to him] Hey, wouldn't it be funny if <b> </b> Paul an' Noreen broke up because o' you kept hangin' up on him? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [pause] What do you mean? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well, you know if Paul thought it was some guy.. hangin' up because he <b> </b> was having an affair with Noreen? <b> </b> [As ELAINE considers the implications, KRAMER comes in. he's got a pile <b> </b> of underwear in his hands.] <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Here. Take my Jockey shorts. <b> </b> [JERRY leaps up and KRAMER's following him as JERRY walks backward <b> </b> around the apartment during the following.] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Whoa! Whoa! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> What is that?!! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Look, you gotta help me. I have to get off Jockey shorts. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Wha--you have a low sperm count? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Very low! Come on, Jerry. Take 'em. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Nnnoo--I don't want 'em. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, look! You gotta help me! I can't have 'em near me! If I have one <b> </b> pair in my house, I'm gonna wear them! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Look! I don't want 'em! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> All it takes is one pair! Now, come on! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I'm not gonna be able to sleep if those are in the house! <b> </b> [KRAMER's put the pile on Jerry's table and is grabbing at his own <b> </b> pants.] <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Boxers! How do you wear these things!! Look at that--they're baggin' up, <b> </b> they're rising in! An' there's nothing holding me in place! I'm flip <b> </b> pin'! I'm floppin'! <b> </b> [ELAINE's distracted by disgust.] <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> What am I gonna do!? Jerry! I'm goin' crazy in these things! [leaves] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [calmly turns back to The Pile on his table] Well. I'm gonna have to <b> </b> move now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [At Monk's. GEORGE and his FATHER at a booth.] <b> </b> <b> FRANK </b> Ya know what I like about Manhattan? There's no mosquitoes. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Plenty of mosquitoes. <b> </b> <b> FRANK </b> Queens is full of mosquitoes. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> So, Dad.. <b> </b> <b> FRANK </b> Gnats, too. If I'm not mistaken. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Dad! I heard you were in the city the other day! <b> </b> <b> FRANK </b> Your mother has to tell you every move I make!? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> No.. Jerry and Elaine saw you. <b> </b> <b> FRANK </b> They didn't say hello? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Well, they were in a rush. <b> </b> <b> FRANK </b> They couldn't just say hello?! .. Oh, to hell with them. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> They, uh.. said you were with some guy who was wearing a cape, ha ha. <b> </b> <b> FRANK </b> Elaine, I can see, not sayin' hello. She's very--what's the <b> </b> word--supercilious. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> So Dad. <b> </b> <b> FRANK </b> How could Jerry not say Hello?!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [Night. At Jerry's with he and DONNA CHANG. She's on the couch and he's <b> </b> drying the dishes. She's just hung up the phone.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So did they, uh, uncross the lines, yet? <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> No. They can't find the problem. It's really getting ridicurous(sic). <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [long pause--did he hear "ridicurous"(sic)--should he say something--can't <b> </b> decide if he should. finally..] Did you say, "ridicurous"(sis)? <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> Ridiculous. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [pause] I thought you said.. "ridicurous."(sic) [he and she look at each <b> </b> other, puzzled.] <b> </b> [GEORGE comes in.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Oh, what are you doing here? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I wanted to, [notices DONNA] talk to you--I'm sorry, I--didn't know <b> </b> you had company. [JERRY indicates he should stay] Hi, uh, I'm George. <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> Oh! Hi! [they shake hands] I'm Donna Chang. [GEORGE to himself registers <b> </b> that as weird, is heading to the kitchen.] <b> </b> I just spoke to your mother before. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [pause] You spoke to my mother? <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> She was trying to call you, but-- <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> The rines(sic) were crossed? <b> </b> [They both look at him weird.] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Did you say, "The rines(sic) were crossed?" <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Did I? <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> [pause] George, she's so sweet. We talked for an hour! <b> </b> Anyway, I'm really sorry. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Sorry? Why sorry? What do you have to be sorry for? <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> Well, she told me she and your father are getting divorced. <b> </b> [JERRY and DONNA watch as GEORGE immediately and ritually goes to the <b> </b> oven, turns on the gas, opens the door and sticks his head in it.] <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [End of Act I-- time: 10:18] <b> </b> [Commercial Break] <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [Same night, at Jerry's apartment--Donna's left. Elaine's there.] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Divorced. That's really too bad.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Yeah, you know it's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years <b> </b> ago. He could have been normal. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [coming out of bathroom] Oh my God! You know what I just realized?! If <b> </b> they get divorced an' live in two separate places? That's twice as many <b> </b> visits! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> I never thought of that. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Imagine if I had to see them both on the same day? [mirthless] Haha! <b> </b> It's like runnin' the double marathon! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Hey George, did you have any idea that anything was wrong? <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Have you ever spent any time with these people..? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape--I bet you he is <b> </b> mixed up in this! <b> </b> I don't trust men in capes. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> You can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearin' a <b> </b> cape. .. Superman wore a cape.. An' I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand <b> </b> here an' let you say something bad about him. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> All right Superman's the exception. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [has been watching that with amazed disbelief] <b> </b> [KRAMER enters.] <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey! Elaine, I just heard that Noreen and Paul are breaking up. <b> I </b><b> </b> want you to put in a good word for me. [to JERRY] I've always had a <b> </b> thing for Noreen. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Kramer. You don't understand. This could be my fault. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Well, if she's available now, I'm not gonna let her slip through my <b> </b> fingers this time. Nooope. [walking around at ease, some dancy moves] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers.. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Wellll, I wouldn't go as far as that. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> You went back to the Jockeys? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Wrong again. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [pause] Oh, no. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> What? What?.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Don't you see what's goin' on here??? .. No boxers, no Jockeys.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Eeaawww... <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Kramer, say it isn't so. <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Oh, it be so. <b> </b> I'm out there, Jerry, an' I'm lllovin' every minute of it!!! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Don't you need a little.. help? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Surprisingly, no. I'm freee, I'm unfettered.. [opens door to leave, <b> </b> still very happy, then:] I'm like a naked innocent boy rrroamin' the <b> </b> countryside!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [Day. At Monk's. ELAINE and NOREEN are sitting at the counter. We're <b> </b> looking straight at them.] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Well, you guys are tryin' to work it out! That's great!.. <b> </b> <b> NOREEN </b> Yeah, well.. We're trying.. He just went insane there for a while.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Oh, he went insane?.. <b> </b> <b> NOREEN </b> Believe it or not: Paul was convinced I was having an affair because <b> </b> somebody kept calling and hanging up whenever he answered! What kind of <b> </b> a Sick Person calls and hangs up over and over? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [awkward, defensive yet hypothetical, avoids eye contact] Well. Uh. I <b> </b> don't know about sick. I mean, maybe it was somebody who, didn't wanna, <b> </b> talk to whoever was answering because whoever was answering was always <b> </b> making, boring chit-chat, an' was completely oblivious to the fact that <b> </b> the person who was calling, didn't want to speak to them, ah! <b> </b> <b> NOREEN </b> [has been growing increasingly slackjawed in amazement] I can't believe <b> </b> that was you.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [looks at NOREEN] I'm really sorry, Noreen.. <b> </b> <b> NOREEN </b> [pause] So you thought he was boring? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Hey! Noreen! Don't go by me! Ha ha. <b> </b> <b> NOREEN </b> [reconsidering Paul's worthiness.] <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [Day. JERRY and ELAINE at Jerry's apartment.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> What are you doin' to this woman?! This is the second relationship <b> </b> you've ruined for her in a few weeks!! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> I know-- <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> First you ruin her relationship with the High Talker. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Well, Jer--I got confused, they sound exactly the same. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So she breaks up with him. Somehow picks up the pieces of her life. Miraculously meets: A New Guy! Ya bust that up! An' then, just as they're <b> </b> reconciling, you announce to the world: He's Boring. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [apologetically] I didn't know she'd take it so seriously. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well, apparently you have a tremendous influence over this woman! <b> </b> Anything you say she does! <b> </b> [Door bell buzzes. JERRY goes over, hits the button.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> It's Donna Chang. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [hits button] Come on up. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Well, I guess I just didn't realize it.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well, let's look back on your history with this woman. Okay? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Okay.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> First, you encouraged her to join: The Army. .. She did. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> She was lost.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Then: you suggest she goes.. AWOL! She did! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Well, she didn't seem to be havin' so much fun.. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> You know.. You better make sure you never tell this woman to jump off <b> </b> the Brooklyn Bridge.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> If I have this much influence over her, why don't I just call her an' <b> </b> tell her to get back together with him--that's aalll! <b> </b> [DONNA CHANG comes in briskly, good mood.] <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> Hi. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Oh, Miss Changstein! This is Elaine.. <b> </b> [At the same time--DONNA: Helllo..--ELAINE: Hi! Good to meet you.] <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> [to JERRY] Guess what? Mrs. Costanza called me, they're not getting <b> </b> divorced. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Why? What happened? <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> Well, she was trying to call George last night, she got me, we spoke for <b> </b> an hour, she changed her mind!!! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Wow! That's amazing! <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> Anyway, she wants to meet me! She invited me over for dinner! She said <b> </b> you should come too. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Tonight? <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> Yeah--I just remembered: I'm gonna have to cancel my acupuncture class. <b> </b> [goes to phone] <b> </b> [Behind her, JERRY and ELAINE slowly exchange looks.] <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [Same day. At the Costanzas', are GEORGE, FRANK, and ESTELLE--GEORGE <b> </b> just entered. ESTELLE's snacking watching TV.] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> All right. Let me just say one thing: there is no way that this is goin' <b> </b> to happen. No Way! Because if you think I'm going' to two Thanksgivings, <b> </b> you're out of your minds!!! <b> </b> <b> ESTELLE </b> [calmly] We're not getting divorced. <b> </b> <b> FRANK </b> You mother changed her mind.. [tries to catch a fly with his hand] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [glee!] Ya-De! That's Goood! That's Very good! I'm very glad to hear <b> </b> that. <b> </b> <b> FRANK </b> Yeah. We worked it out. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> All right. So let me ask you a question. Who was the man in the cape? <b> </b> <b> FRANK </b> He was my lawyer. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> You lawyer wears a cape..? <b> </b> <b> FRANK </b> Yeah. So what? <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Who wears a cape? <b> </b> <b> FRANK </b> He's very independent; doesn't follow the trends. <b> </b> <b> ESTELLE </b> He looks ridiculous in that thing.. <b> </b> <b> FRANK </b> You have no eye for fashion!!! <b> </b> <b> ESTELLE </b> I have no eye for fashion?!?!?! <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> All right! Come on! <b> </b> Let's not fight. <b> </b> FRANK and ESTELLE <b> </b> All right! All right! <b> </b> <b> ESTELLE </b> Georgie's right. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> So what made you change your mind? <b> </b> <b> ESTELLE </b> It was that Chinese woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [In Jerry's car. Jerry's driving, DONNA CHANG is with him.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> So I'm curious. What'd you tell Mrs. Costanza that changed her mind? <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> I mentioned a few bits of wisdom from Confucius. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [pause] Confucius, huh? <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> Yeah. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [pause] You know, you're not Chinese... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [The Costanzas again. They open the door for JERRY and DONNA.] <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Hey! I heard the good news! <b> </b> <b> FRANK </b> Jerry: how come you didn't say hello to me the other day, huh?! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Elaine was.. in a rush. <b> </b> <b> FRANK </b> I knew it was Elaine!! <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> You must be Estelle. <b> </b> <b> ESTELLE </b> Yes. Who are you..? <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> I'm Donna Chang! <b> </b> <b> ESTELLE </b> You're not Chinese! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [Meanwhile, in Noreen's apartment. NOREEN and KRAMER are sitting on the <b> </b> couch when the phone rings. KRAMER picks it up. Scene cuts back and <b> </b> forth between ELAINE and them.] <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Hello? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Paul? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Elaine! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Kramer? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> [pause] Yeahh! <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> What're you doin' there? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Wellll, isn't it obvious? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Uh! Ah, is Noreen there? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Yes, she is.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Well? Can I talk to her? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> What? Am I, tooo.. boring for you? <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [tired] Fine--would you just put her on? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Well, I feel it'd be best if you just didn't talk to her for a while.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> You feel? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> That's right! <b> </b> She an' I have had a very long talk. An' I was appalled to learn of the <b> </b> destructive influence you've had over her life lo these many years.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> What are you insane?! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> From now, on, I'll be calling the shots around here.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Oh! Haha. An' what're you gonna tell her? <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Well. I've encouraged her to go back into the Army.. <b> </b> There she'll get the structure an' the discipline she needs right now.. <b> </b> And she'll have qualified officers telling her what to do.. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> Uh! Kramer! You have got to let me talk to her! <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Can't help ya, kid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [Back at the Costanzas'. Still daylight.] <b> </b> <b> ESTELLE </b> You're not Chinese!?!? <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> [pause] No. <b> </b> <b> ESTELLE </b> I thought you were Chinese!! <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> I'm from Long Island. <b> </b> <b> ESTELLE </b> Long Island?!?! <b> </b> I thought I was gettin' advice from a Chinese woman!! <b> </b> <b> DONNA </b> I'm sorry..? <b> </b> <b> ESTELLE </b> Well! Then, that changes everything! <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> What?! <b> </b> <b> ESTELLE </b> She's not Chinese; I was duped!! <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> So what?! She gave you advice; what's the difference if she's not Chi <b> </b> nese?!?! <b> </b> <b> ESTELLE </b> I'm not taking advice from some girl from Long Island!! [goes into <b> </b> <b> KITCHEN] </b> <b> GEORGE </b> [chases her] Wait a minute! You're--now you're getting a divorce because <b> </b> she's from Long Island?!?! <b> </b> <b> FRANK </b> [from the living room, standing, shouts after them] You want a <b> </b> divorce?!!? You got one!!! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [pause, to DONNA] You know, you might wanna think about changin' your <b> </b> name.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [Day. JERRY and ELAINE, walking down the street.] <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> So, ever since she started dating Kramer, she won't even talk to me! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Well--Noreen listened to you like George's mother listened to the <b> </b> Chinese. <b> </b> <b> ELAINE </b> [pause] You know, everybody listens to the Chinese. <b> </b> I mean, look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with that in <b> </b> any other restaurant. <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> [has just bought a newspaper out of a machine] Yeah, no one's reading <b> </b> any rolled-up messages in a knish.. <b> </b> [A cab pulls up and GEORGE gets out.] <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> Oh, it had to happen!! I knew it!! <b> </b> <b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b> <b> GEORGE </b> I predicted it! [hits cab roof twice, it drives off] <b> </b> Saw both of them today! <b> </b> What a disaster! <b> </b> I'm runnin' all over Queens. First I saw my mother. We had lunch <b> </b> together. Never had, Lunch, with my mother before--it's like a date! <b> </b> Then we drive down to Kew Gardens! Tons of traffic! I see my father. We <b> </b> played "Clue"! All day with this! <b> </b> [KRAMER sticks his head out of his (or Jerry's) apartment window, shouts <b> </b> down to them.] <b> </b> <b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Jerry! Guess what! The Kramer name might live on! Noreen's late! <b> </b> She's laaate!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> [During credit roll. Night on the Brooklyn Bridge. NOREEN peers over the <b> </b> edge, the wind blowing up on her face. Then a man in a black cape edges <b> </b> over to her cautiously, reaches and holds her forearm.] <b> </b> <b> NOREEN </b> Who are you?! <b> </b> <b> MAN </b> [calmly, businesslike] I'm Frank Costanza's lawyer. [he helps her get <b> </b> back off (and out of view of the camera).] <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> <b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Chinese Woman Script

1994-10-27

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE COUCH </b> Written by Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The love seat, that's a nice little item, there...I guess some guy <b> </b> thought, 'Well, if we can't get them to sit closer to us, why not just shorten the <b> </b> furniture?' My other favorite furniture brand is the La-Z-Boy. This is very flattering to <b> </b> the prospective customer, isn't it? Why don't we just call it the 'half-conscious deadbeat <b> </b> with no job, home all day, eating Cheetos and watching TV' recliner? I mean, it goes back <b> </b> so far, that thing...I mean, it's like, 'Go to bed already! It's over! You're wiped!' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George in a furniture store. Jerry is shopping for a new couch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, she got you to join a book club? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got a feeling I'm gonna be much smarter than you pretty soon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I think that statement alone reflects your burgeoning intelligence. (Sits on a couch.) Hey, what about this one? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nah, I don't like that one. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, what's your first book? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "Breakfast At Tiffany's." 90 pages. (Waves a hand like it's nothing.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's kinda old, isn't it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They wanted to read a Truman Capote book. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, sure...Truman Capote. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's a great writer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you ever read anything by him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. You? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, what about this one? Look at this, this is it! This is what I'm looking for. (Sits on the couch.) Oh, yeah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. The moving guys are delivering Jerry's new couch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, what's going on? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> New couch, baby! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> New couch? Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I love this couch. You know what the best part about it is? It doesn't fold out, so no one can sleep over. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine laughs. Carl and another furniture mover come in, and they pick up Jerry's old couch.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> CARL </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, let me get the door for you. (They carry the couch out the door.) Ooh, be careful! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait till you see it, it's perfect. The guy told me it's one of a kind, they stopped making it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you doing with your old couch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing, the moving guys are taking it. Why, you want it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I'll take it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm sure that they can deliver it to your apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, they can. (Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! Couch is comin.' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's here! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright! Yeah. You know, I'm excited about this, Jerry. In a way, I feel like I'm getting a new couch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. So do I. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooh! Remember Poppie? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you mean from Poppie's Restaurant? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, yeah. Anyway, uh...we're going into business together. Remember that idea I had a few years ago about the pizza place where you make your own pizza? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What was that again? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's a pizza place where you make your own pie! We give you the dough, the sauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap it, you flip it up into the air...you put your toppings on and you slide it into the oven! Sounds good, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ooh, I can't wait to get me a fella and make mah own pie! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What made you resurrect that old idea? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I happened to be eating at Poppie's when I told him the "old" idea, and his eyes - waaaaaah! - just lit up. You know, he wants to back it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I heard Poppie's was good, let's go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not goin' there. Didn't he get busted by the Board of Health? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That was in the past, Jerry. As it happens, New York Magazine just judged his kitchen to be one of the cleanest in the city. They got a duck there, you think you died and went to heaven. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ooh! I love duck. C'mon, c'mon! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, but you gotta order it two days in advance. (To Jerry) You know, I'm gonna call him, I'm gonna order the duck for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Kramer, I - <b> </b> (Kramer turns around and runs smack into Jerry's new couch being brought in by Carl and the other moving guy, and hits the floor. They place the couch in the same spot as the old one.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right there, guys. That's perfect. Ah? Whatta ya think, Lainie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh no, I don't want anyone sitting on it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARL </b> Sign here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Excuse me, I was wondering if would it be possible if you could deliver the old couch to my apartment? It's not very far. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARL </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 'Kay. You, uh...you got room in the truck for me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARL </b> Yeah, I think we can squeeze you in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, goody. Okay, well uh...(to Jerry and Kramer)...I'll see you chumps later. (Elaine and Carl exit.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Did you offer those guys a drink? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, no. Should I have? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What kind of a person are you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> </b> George at home, preparing to read "Breakfast At Tiffany's." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay. "Breakfast At Tiffany's." (Begins to read, but gradually his attention is drawn to the TV Guide on the end table. George realizes there's a show on he wants to see by looking at his watch, and doesn't start the book.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's Restaurant. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, he puts the couch down, and just as he's about to leave he says, "Do you date moving men?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah ha... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You wanna know what I said? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't wait. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> "I do now." <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Clever. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is that something? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Is that something? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're something. So anyway, when they were in my house before, I didn't offer them anything to drink. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, they're real men, Jerry. They get sweaty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, anyone sweaty comes into your house has to be offered a drink? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, would you apologize for me? (Elaine nods. Poppie comes out of the kitchen.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Hello! Jerry, so good to see you again! (Puts his hand out.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, Poppie. This is Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nice to meet you, Poppie. <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Let me show you to your table. (Leads Jerry and Elaine to the table.) Your duck is cooking as we speak. It is so succulent...so succulent! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, Kramer told us all about your business venture together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Your friend and I are going to make a lot of money. Of course, I already have a lot of money. Poppie does very well...very well. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, your mother must be very proud of you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> My mother...was taken from my house by the Communists in the middle of the night when I was ten years old. She was sent to a slave labor camp, where she labored for twelve years. Finally, they released her and she was on a boat to America to re-unite with us...but she was served some bad fish, and she died...on the high seas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, what's good tonight? <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to George at home. His television program finishes, and he turns off the TV. He stretches, then goes back to reading - not "Breakfast At Tiffany's" however, but an issue of Cracked magazine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Boy, I'm really looking forward to this duck. I've never had food ordered in advance before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, I could've stayed home and ordered a pizza from Paccino's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Paccino's? Oh no. You should never order pizza from Paccino's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because, the owner contributes a lot of money to those fanatical, anti-abortion groups. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, you won't eat the pizza? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No way. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what if Poppie felt the same way? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I guess I wouldn't eat here, then. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. That's right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, perhaps we should inquire. Poppie! Oh, Poppie. Could I have a word? (Poppie comes over.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Yes, Jerry. I just checked your duck...it is more succulent than even I had hoped. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Poppie, I was just curious...where do you stand on the abortion issue? <b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> When my mother was abducted by the Communists, she was with child... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, boy. <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> ...but the Communists, they put an end to that! So, on this issue there is no debate! And no intelligent person can think differently. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well...Poppie. I think differently. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> And what gives you the right to do that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The Supreme Court gives me the right to do that! Let's go Jerry, c'mon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN AT NEXT TABLE </b> I heard that. Let's go, Henry. <b> </b><b> HENRY </b> But we just got here... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And I am not coming back! <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> You're not welcome! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'm certainly glad I brought it up. (Gets up and leaves.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George in a booth at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you should have seen it. It was quite a scene over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sorry I missed it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you really missed something. And I have to say...it was pretty much all my fault. (Jerry smiles. George laughs.) So, how's the book coming? (George's laughs taper off...) I say, how's the book comin'? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh...pretty good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, what's it about? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it's about Holly Go-Lightly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Holly Go-Lightly. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, she's quite a character. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, you haven't read a page, have you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Big surprise. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I couldn't. You know, if it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not very bright, are you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not. What am I gonna do? The book club meets in a few days. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you rent the movie? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Why don't I rent the movie.' See, this is when I like you. Alright, now I'm relieved. (Kramer enters and comes over to the booth.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So...how was the dinner last night? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh...well... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Did you enjoy the duck? (Elaine comes back from the bathroom.) Oh, Elaine! I was just asking how dinner went last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh...well... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, what did you do to Poppie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nothing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, he's in the hospital. And the cook says you put him there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's wrong with him? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know! I'm gonna go and visit him later. (angrily) It would be nice if you got him something. (Punches the the table to accentuate this, and leaves.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We should get him something. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. You're right. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Carl sitting in carl's moving van after a date. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you know that I have been using the same bottle of shampoo for a year? And I shampoo every day. (Carl smiles.) So, what do you think of my conversation? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CARL </b> Not much! (They both laugh.) I, uh, would have invited you up, but I don't have any furniture. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You don't have any furniture? <b> </b><b> CARL </b> No, I hate furniture. I can't look at it. (They laugh again.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I can understand that. Pretty good date, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARL </b> Yeah! No heavy lifting. (Elaine and Carl look into each others eyes, then kiss.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer visiting Poppie at the hospital. There sitting on a bench outside. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Anyway, Jerry and Elaine felt very badly about what happened to you, and they wanted you to have this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> What's this? A bottle of wine and a five-alarm chili? They're trying to kill Poppie?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why, what...? <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Don't they know I have a gastro-intestinal disorder? If I would have any of this, I would die. Then Poppie's no good to anyone! This is a sick, sick joke on Poppie. How could you be friends with those two? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, we're not very close. <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> They owe me for those ducks. They were flown in from Newfoundland. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, they got good ducks there, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Oh, very good ducks. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine shows up at Jerry's apartment. Jerry opens the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm in looove! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Whoa! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This is it, Jerry! This is it! He is such an incredible person! He's real, he's honest, he's unpretentious...oh, I'm really lucky! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you tell him I was sorry I didn't offer him the drink? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I forgot. And, the best part is, he doesn't play games. You know? There are no games! (Sits down on the couch.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No games? What is the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, all I know is, he doesn't like games and he doesn't play games, you know? He has too much character and integrity. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah ha. And what is his stand on abortion? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is his stand...on abortion? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you know? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because he, well...he's just so good-looking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you should probably ask, because if he's gonna be coming over with those Paccino's pizzas...could be trouble. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George at a video store counter. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'd like to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Uh, this is out. Someone has it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Out? Oh no, I've been to four other places, you're the only ones that have had it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Well, I could put it on reserve for you, if you'd like. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe we could call them and ask them to return it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> Oh, sorry. We can't do that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, maybe they're done with it. I could go pick it up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLERK </b> I don't think so. It doesn't work that way. <b> </b><b> </b> (The clerk goes to help another customer, and leaves George unattended. George waits until the clerk's back is turned, then has a good look at the information on his computer monitor.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Commercial break. <b> </b> George at the address of the people who have rented Breakfast At Tiffany's. He's buzzed their apartment on the intercom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VOICE ON INTERCOM </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, excuse me, are you Joe Temple? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> INTERCOM </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, yes, uh...you don't know me, my name is George Costanza...did you happen to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry laying on his new couch. Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, what's happenin.' <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know, Poppie's over at my place. Tonight's the big night. I'm gonna make the first test pizza at the restaurant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got a regular 'Manhattan Project' going on over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Anyway, he's about to leave, he wants the duck money. (Poppie enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. Hi, Poppie. <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry about the gift, I didn't know about your condition. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> That's fine. If you just give me my duck money, I'll be on my way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. I'll get it. (Goes into the bedroom.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why don't you sit down, Poppie? You're still recuperating. (Poppie moves to the sofa and sits down, and exhales a loud sigh of relief.) What, are you tired, Poppie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Poppie...you really think people wanna make their own pizza? <b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Kramer, did I ever tell you about my mother? My mother - <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here you go. (Poppie stands up and takes the money.) Anyway, I'm sorry again about the...(notices a large, wet stain on his couch)...the...the... <b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> The what? (Looks at Kramer, and exits.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...the...the... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So long. I'll see you tonight. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, Kramer, what is this?! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What is what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This puddle on my sofa! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What puddle? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That puddle! (Kramer sees the puddle and does a double-take.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? IT IS! (Grabs Kramer.) Poppie peed on my sofa!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what is it then?! My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm sure it'll come out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't care if it comes out, I can't sit on that anymore! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, you're making too much of it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, you're right. It's just a natural human function...happens to be on my sofa, instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Right! <b> </b><b> </b> George at Joe Temple's door. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, anyway, the book club meets tomorrow, Mr. Temple. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE </b> Well, I was going to watch it with my daughter. She likes Audrey Hepburn very much. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She was a delicate flower. <b> </b><b> JOE </b> Why didn't you just read the book? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, as I say, the pink-eye made my vision...quite blurry... (Joe's daughter comes to the door.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE </b> Remy, this is George. Would you mind if he watched Breakfast At Tiffany's with us? (George smiles at Remy. Remy looks at Joe doubtfully.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine climbs into the cab of Carl's moving van. <b> </b><b> CARL </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. (They kiss.) <b> </b><b> CARL </b> I missed you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I missed you! <b> </b><b> CARL </b> I don't remember the last time I felt this way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Me, either! <b> </b><b> CARL </b> I think about you all the time. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You do? <b> </b><b> CARL </b> Do you think about me? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh yeah, all the time, all the time...although, recently I've been thinking about this friend of mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARL </b> What friend? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, just this woman...she got impregnated by her troglodytic half-brother, and decided to have an abortion. (Waits in suspense for what Carl's response will be.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARL </b> You know, someday...we're going to get enough people in the Supreme Court to change that law. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine breaks down in tears.) <b> </b><b> </b> George sitting on Joe's couch, about to watch Breakfast At Tiffany's with Joe and Remy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, anything to uh, nosh? <b> </b><b> JOE </b> What did you want? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Popcorn? <b> </b><b> REMY </b> Popcorn? Where do you think you are? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, a lot of people keep popcorn in the house. <b> </b><b> </b><b> REMY </b> Well, we don't. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You might want to try it...makes the movie more enjoyable, that's all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE </b> Here's some nuts. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh! Nuts! Excellent! You know what I love? How there's two nuts named after people. Hazel...and filbert. <b> </b><b> </b><b> REMY </b> Can we watch the movie now, Daddy? (Joe presses play on the remote.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, let's turn off the lights, get some real 'movie atmosphere.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE </b> The lights are fine. (George shrugs, and the movie begins.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer and Poppie in the kitchen of the restaurant, making the first 'test pizza.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> See, anybody can do this. (Tosses pizza dough into the air.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Use your wrist! It's all in the wrist. (Kramer tosses the dough way up there.) Not too high! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, put a little sauce on here... (speaks some unintelligible words in an Italian accent while spreading the sauce around.) Some cheese... <b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Not too much! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And...cucumbers! (Grabs a large handful and puts them on the pizza.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Wait a second...what is that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's cucumbers. <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> No, no. You can't put cucumbers on a pizza. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, why not? I like cucumbers. <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> That's not a pizza. It'll taste terrible. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> But that's the idea, you make your own pie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Yes, but we cannot give the people the right to choose any topping they want! Now on this issue there can be no debate! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What gives you the right to tell me how I would make my pie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Because it's a pizza! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's not a pizza until it comes out of the oven! <b> </b><b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, it isn't! <b> </b><b> POPPIE </b> Yes, it is! <b> </b><b> </b> Cut back to George, Joe and Remy watching the movie. Joe's wife enters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE'S WIFE </b> I'm home. <b> </b><b> JOE </b> Hey, honey. <b> </b><b> REMY </b> Hi, Mom. <b> </b><b> JOE'S WIFE </b> Hi, baby. (To George.) Hello. Breakfast At Tiffany's? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JOE'S WIFE </b> Well, I just came back from Angela's, it's not looking very good for Duncan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE </b> Aw, that's too bad. <b> </b><b> JOE'S WIFE </b> Yeah, the doctor thinks it's just a matter of time - <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Joe...could you... <b> </b><b> JOE'S WIFE </b> Poor guy, I hate to see him suffer like this... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, I'm sorry, I...I hate to be one of those people, but we're right in the middle of this thing...I can't hear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE'S WIFE </b> Who are you? <b> </b><b> JOE </b> This is George Costanza. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is very hard to follow with all the talking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE </b> I'll pause it, okay? (Pauses the tape with the remote.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Any more grape juice? (Gets up and goes to the kitchen. Remy moves to the end of the couch where George was sitting.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOE'S WIFE </b> Who is this guy? <b> </b><b> REMY </b> He's in some book club. <b> </b><b> JOE'S WIFE </b> And what's he doing here? <b> </b><b> REMY </b> Cheating on his test. (George returns from the kitchen with a glass of grape juice.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, we watching the movie, or are we still talking? (Joe's wife shakes her head and goes into the other room. George gestures to Remy to move.) Okay, c'mon. Let's go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> REMY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> C'mon, you took my seat. <b> </b><b> REMY </b> It's not your seat. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was sitting there, c'mon. <b> </b><b> REMY </b> You didn't save it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I had the arm! Joe... <b> </b><b> JOE </b> What's the difference? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I was very comfortable! I've got my nuts here... <b> </b><b> </b><b> REMY </b> It's my couch. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, c'mon, scooch over. (Tries to squeeze into the corner seat of the couch and struggles with Remy. He spills his glass of grape juice all over the couch in the process.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> REMY </b> Look! Look what you did! You got grape juice all over our couch, you've ruined our couch! (Joe slowly walks toward George with his hands on his hips.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Joe... <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment the next day, looking at the "Poppie-stain" on Jerry's sofa. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh my god. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You see?! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, you're gonna get a new couch? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I guess I have no choice. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you want your old couch back? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was hoping you'd offer. (The intercom buzzes, Jerry answers it.) Yeah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> INTERCOM </b> It's the movers. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> 'Kay. (Buzzes them in.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who's that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Your boyfriend, he's taking it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, he's not my boyfriend. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Take a guess. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, really. (Carl and another moving guy come in and pick up the couch.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> CARL </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Carl, I also need you to go to Elaine's and bring my old couch back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARL </b> Today? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Could you? <b> </b><b> CARL </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What are you doing with this couch? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George is taking it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Did you tell him it was peed on? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He said he doesn't care, he'll just turn the cushion over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Carl in Elaine's kitchen. <b> </b><b> CARL </b> I'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, me too. <b> </b><b> CARL </b> It's just too bad. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. It is. <b> </b><b> CARL </b> Well, I better get this couch back to Jerry's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Can I offer you anything to drink? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CARL </b> Yeah, sure. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All I've got is grape juice. <b> </b><b> CARL </b> Throw it! <b> </b> (Elaine heaves the grape juice bottle over-hand at Carl, and we hear the sound of breaking glass.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> CARL </b> The couch! <b> </b><b> </b> Commercial break. <b> </b> George sitting in with the book club around a back booth at Monk's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MARIE </b> She didn't want the constraints of any relationship, that's why she got rid of the cat. The most important thing in Holly's life was her independence. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, not really. After all, she did get together with George Peppard. I mean, Fred. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARIE </b> George...Fred's gay. <b> </b> (George ponders this quizzically.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Couch Script

1994-11-03

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE GYMNAST </b> Written by Alec Berg &amp; Jeff Schaffer <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've never been able to figure out why they make these bizarre toilet seats that they have. You know, like those clear Lucite ones, with all the, the coins in it? It's a lovely tribute to our past president, by the way. It's not bad enough Lincoln got shot in the head, we gotta pull down our pants and sit on him, too. It's just incomprehensible that you would buy a thing like this, you install it on your toilet seat, and this says what about you? "Well, I can't afford to just throw money down the toilet, but look how close I am!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I cannot believe Lindsay's still seeing you after that "Breakfast at Tiffany's" thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think she finds my stupidity charming. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> As we all do. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, anyway, she's uh, having some kind of a family lunch, I'll swing by after. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, so you're gonna meet the mother? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I'll zip in, "How do you do?", zip out. She'll love me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're good with the mothers. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Y'know, I'm better with the mothers than I am with the daughters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe you should date the mothers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, if I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then I'd really have something goin'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you got something goin'. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (enters apartment) Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! (heads toward bathroom) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, you got a hammer? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you need a hammer for? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I got this new poster. 3-D art? Computers generate 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah! I wanna see that. Bring it over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, I don't have it now. I gotta pick it up at Mr. Pitt's. Elaine was framing a bunch of stuff for him, so she did me a favor. What, you wanna take a ride? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, I don't think so. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (shouting to the bathroom door) George, you wanna go for a ride? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (inside bathroom) Nah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, COME ON! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, could you wait until the man finishes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, I've had it with you two. (opens apartment door to leave) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, guess what? Remember that woman you saw me with the other day? You know, she used to be an Olympic gymnast? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A gymnast! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, she's Romanian, she won a silver at the '84 Olympics. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A gymnast, Jerry. Think of the flexibility. Mmm, that sex'll melt your face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, well, I think I'm bailing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (shuts door) "Bailing"? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, you know, Kramer, there's always a price to pay for just a sexual dalliance. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, you should pay that price. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's Romanian. What am I gonna talk to her about, Ceausescu? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ch- oo-... what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (emerging from bathroom, buttoning his shirt) A gymnast! I can't believe it, you didn't tell me she was a gymnast. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (watching George buttoning his shirt) What is this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, I'm puttin' my shirt back on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (stares at George, incredulous) "Back on"? What was it doing off? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I take it off when I go to the, uh, y'know, to the "office". <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (laughing) What for? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it frees me up. No encumbrances. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Unbuttoned, or all the way off? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ALL the way, baby! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Of course. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (convulses in pain) Yeow! Whoa. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, again? Kramer, if you keep getting these attacks, you should see the doctor and have it checked out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (exiting apartment) Yeah, yeah, yeah... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (picks up newspaper, turns to George) You always take the shirt off? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Always. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, I tell ya', knowing you is like going out in the jungle. I never know what I'm going to find next, and I'm real scared. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Mr. Pitt's office) <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Elaine, I need you to proofread this report for my meeting with the Poland Creek Bottled Water people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What meeting? <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> I told you. I sit on the Board of Trustees for Morgan Springs, and we're trying to acquire Poland Creek. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! (tries to take paper) <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> (pulls away) Are you using a fountain pen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> They smear! Under no circumstances is ink to be used in this office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right! I'll use a pencil, Mr. Pitt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (knock at door) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Come in, come in! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. (enters, points at package) Yah, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, right there, yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (rips open package) Yeah, that's... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, it's... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (holds up framed picture): There she blows! (throws paper around) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, Kramer, can you do this at home? I've got, I've got work to do, okay? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, these are nice corners, huh? <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Elaine, did I hear... (sees Kramer) Oh, this is very odd. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (looking at picture) Yeah, it's 3-D art. Computers generate 'em. BIG computers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Yes, I've heard about these. How do they work? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you blur your eyes like you're starin' straight through the picture. And you keep your eyes unfocused. And then... (Kramer and Pitt stare at picture) Oh, oh, oh, YEAH! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> I don't see it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, it's a spaceship, surrounded by planets, asteroids... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> I still don't see it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, Kramer, that's enough. Mr. Pitt has got work to do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ya' ever dream in 3-D? It's like the boogeyman is comin' right at you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> A spaceship, where? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (pointing) Right in here. Just keep your eyes unfocused. (convulses in pain) Waahh! Oh, mama! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, what's wrong? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Mama! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, Kramer, are you okay? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I think I gotta go to the doctor! (exits) Oh, mama! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> (still staring at picture) How long does it usually take? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Lindsay's mother's apartment) <b> </b> (Lindsay's relatives are laughing, and George has apparently been witty and charming) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ENRIGHT </b> Oh, George, it is so nice to finally meet you. And I'm sorry we've kept Lindsay so long. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LINDSAY </b> Mother... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no, no, not at all. No, I have always felt that the most important thing in the world is spending time with family. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ENRIGHT </b> Oh? Are you and your family close? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (hesitates) Very close, yes. Almost painfully close. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LINDSAY </b> Mother, I'm going to walk Nana and Aunt Phyllis to the elevator. George, do you mind waiting just one more minute? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mind? Why would I mind? I would love to wait! (shakes hands with Nana) Nana, nice to see you. Ni-ni-ni-ni-NANA! (embraces another guest, kisses her) Aunt Phyllis, always a pleasure. What a pleasure! Hey, let's do this again real soon. I had fun, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ENRIGHT </b> Can I offer you anything to eat? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no no no, I'm fine. Let me help you with these dishes, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ENRIGHT </b> Oh no, George, you don't have to... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I know I don't have to, I want to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ENRIGHT </b> George, you are such a gentleman. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'd argue if I could, Mrs. Enright. (exits) Here we go, all right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kitchen) <b> </b> (George opens trash bin, sees an éclair at the top with one bite taken out of it. After looking around to make sure no one is watching, he picks up the éclair and takes a bite just as Mrs. Enright enters the kitchen.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ENRIGHT </b> (wide-eyed) Oh... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (spits out mouthful of food): Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Mr. Pitt's office) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pointing at 3-D picture) Look, there's a spaceship! That is so cool! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Where is it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pointing) Right here. <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> I'm looking there! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no, unfocus. <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> I am unfocused! <b> </b> (phone rings) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (answering phone) Hello? Oh, yeah, okay fine. Uh, he'll be right down. (to Pitt) Car's here to pick you up and take you to the meeting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> (still staring at picture) Meeting? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, the Poland Creek merger? <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Why don't you go for me? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How can I go? <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Oh, all they're gonna do is read the report. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Pitt, I do not think that is such a good idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Oh, DAMN this thing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's car) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (trying desperately to make conversation) So, Ceausescu. He must've been some dictator. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATYA </b> Oh yes. He was not shy about dictating. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He, uh, he must've been dictating first thing in the morning. "I want a cup of coffee and a muffin!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATYA </b> And you could not refuse. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, you'd have to be crazy. <b> </b><b> KATYA </b> He was a very bad dictator. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. Very bad. Very, very bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's Diner) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So lemme get this straight: you find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair, in the receptacle. And you think to yourself, "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash." <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no. No, no, no. It was not trash! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Was it in the trash? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then it was trash. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It wasn't down in, it was sort of on top. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But it was in the cylinder! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Above the rim. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Adjacent to refuse, is refuse. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It was on a magazine! And it still had the doily on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Was it eaten? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> One little bite. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's garbage. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides Man and Bum. You are now a Bum. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer enters, walking awkwardly) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's with you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got a stone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What stone? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A kidney stone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that, anyway? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's a, it's a stony mineral concretion, formed abnormally in the kidney. And this jagged shard of calcium pushes its way through the ureter into the bladder. It's forced out through the urine! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, that's gotta hurt. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Poland Creek office) <b> </b><b> ARONSON </b> Our shareholders have given basic approval for the merger, including the stock swap. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah. The "stock swap". Let's swap some stock. (giggles) <b> </b><b> </b><b> BECK </b> And if you'll just give this to Mr. Pitt, and tell him we expect to be in full-scale production by the spring. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. (standing up) Hey, you guys--what's the name of the new company gonna be? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BECK </b> Moland Spring. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (making a face) "Moland"? <b> </b><b> ARONSON </b> Yes, we combined Morgan and Poland. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I know, but... "Moland"? I wouldn't drink anything called "Moland". <b> </b><b> </b><b> ARONSON </b> But it was Mr. Pitt's idea. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! Well, ah, what's in a name? I mean, water's water. Right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ARONSON </b> (to Beck) We've got to do something about that name. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (on phone, as Jerry gestures beside him) No, Lindsay, it was not IN the garbage. It was above the garbage. Hovering. Like an angel. Of course I know your aunt bit it. I kissed her goodbye. Listen, can I tell you something else? In my family, we used to eat out of the garbage all the time. (Jerry makes a face) It was no big thing. That's right. Oh, okay. Buh-bye. (hangs up phone) I'm back in, she gave me a second chance. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good for you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, good for me! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y'know what you should do now? Get her some flowers, smooth it out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, flowers. I will get her flowers, I will go to the florist! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (enters apartment, holding up videotape) Behold! The Games of the '84 Olympiad! Katya's silver medal performance! (inserts tape into VCR, sets up TV) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, are you still on this? I've seen gymnasts. I know what they do. It's not going to make any difference. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, what is your problem? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, y'know, guys like you, with no conscience, don't know what it's like for guys like me. I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider people's feelings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, Jerry--are you familiar with the Kama Sutra? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Tantric yoga? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, you can really talk some trash. (to George) I guess that's better than eating it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, all right, why don't we just watch the tape? (starts playback) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did you pass your stone yet? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Not yet. But the suspense is killing me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pointing at TV) Hey, that's her! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah. Oh yeah, that's her. (feminine grunts and sighs can be heard as they watch the tape) Look at the height, Jerry, the extension! Now watch the tuck. Handstand, half-turn, giant into a straddle, back into another handstand. Nice kip. Reverse hecht. Oh, nice leg extension, good form! Now, here comes the big dismount. Look at the rotation, full in, double back, and she sticks the landing! (gets up to leave as George and Jerry continue to watch, mouths agape) Perhaps you'd like to keep the tape? (silence) Well, I'll take that as a yes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's car, night) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (smiling and excited) Well, here we are. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATYA </b> Yes. We are here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How did you stay on that beam like that? (holds up hand) I mean, it's only this wide! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATYA </b> I can balance myself in any position. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry swallows) <b> </b><b> KATYA </b> It is amazing after years of training how one can contort one's body. Of course, it is only useful in gymnastics. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh boy... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment, morning) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I couldn't believe it. Uh, I mean I thought I was entering a "magical world" of sensual delights, but it was just so ordinary. I mean, there was nothing gymnastic about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, what did you think she was gonna do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you know. I mean... I dunno. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, obviously I prefer not to mention any, you know... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What did you think, she was going to take some of that chalk and... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You see, now I really don't want to get into this, any kind of specifics... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, come on. One thing? One thing! What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well... Frankly, I thought, you know, I was gonna kinda' be like the apparatus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You mean like the uneven parallel bars? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See, again, I really don't feel that... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The balance beam? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Could we stop? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (gasps in mock surprise) Not the pommel horse? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. Let's just drop it. <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine move to couch) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So lemme ask you this: how long would you say I have to put in now because of, you know, last night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I dunno, at least three weeks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (sarcastic) Oh, great. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, that is such small potatoes. I think that I may have single-handedly put the kibosh on the big water merger. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Between Poland and Morgan? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Started a big name controversy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer shouts from off-screen) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer! The stone! <b> </b> (Jerry and Elaine rush to Kramer's apartment, stand in doorway) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What happened, did you pass the stone? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Off-screen) No, I tried to do a reverse hecht off my couch and I didn't make it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (City street) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (singing as he exits florist with bouquet and a cup of coffee) "...tootsie, good-bye. Too-too, tootsie..." (takes a drink, makes a face, shouts back at shop) You call this coffee? (dumps out coffee behind him, accidentally hitting a parked car's windshield) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN IN CAR </b> Hey! What the hell was that?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sorry! I'm terribly sorry! I- I- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN IN CAR </b> Clean that up! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, sure. Of course. (looks for place to set down flowers) Um, uh, could you hold these? For just a second, just a second. (grabs newspapers from trash bin, begins wiping windshield) Here you go, now don't worry about a thing. It's gonna be fine. Here we go. Look at this shine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MRS. ENRIGHT </b> (sees George cleaning car windshield, looks appalled) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Look at this sparkle. (looks up, sees Lindsay's mother) Mrs. Enright! (runs after her) Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (on phone, as Jerry gestures beside him) No, Lindsay, I had accidentally spilled coffee on the gentleman's windshield. Why would I do that? I have a job! Well, did she see a squeegee? Well, you're not going to make a dime without a squeegee. That's right, that's right, just tell your mother it was all a big misunderstanding. You won't regret it. Okay, I'll see you later. Buh-bye. (hangs up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Strike two! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You think I'm going down? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're behind in the count. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (enters apartment, points at Jerry) Hey, what are you doing later? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm going out with Katya, thanks to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, maybe you should try again. You know what happens the first time: people are a little shy, a little reticent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If I do it again, that extends my payment book another two weeks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, where you going? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're going to the circus. One of her old Olympic teammates is an acrobat. I don't even feel like going out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, Jerry, it's your obligation. C'mon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, well, y'know what? If I gotta go, and spend time with this girl, then you're coming with me, Dr. Cyclops! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no, no, I don't wanna go to the circus, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, well you're going. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, but I'm afraid of clowns! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Mr. Pitt's office) <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> (in polo outfit, complete with jacket and high boots) I didn't send you over there to complain about the name. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I couldn't help it. "Moland Spring"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> I like the name "Moland". I picked it out. After all those months of negotiating! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I'm so sorry! I- <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Well, I'm going riding. I haven't been on Jenny for three days, all because of this blasted painting. (phone rings) Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, sorry. (picks up phone) Hello? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> (walks by 3-D poster, stops) Wait a minute! Wait a minute. Ah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Circus, backstage) <b> </b> (Clowns rush by Jerry and Kramer, Kramer flinches in fear) <b> </b><b> KATYA </b> So, Jerry, you're enjoying the circus? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Greatest Show on Earth"! <b> </b><b> KATYA </b> My father used to take me to the circus. When the elephants came by, he would scream curses at them, blaming them for all the ills of society. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, they certainly take up a lot of space. <b> </b><b> </b> (Katya's friend walks up) <b> </b><b> KATYA </b> Ah, Misha! <b> </b><b> MISHA </b> Katya! <b> </b><b> KATYA </b> Misha, this is Jerry. <b> </b><b> MISHA </b> Ah, yes. The "co-me-dian", eh? (speaks in Romanian to Katya) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KATYA </b> (laughs, replies in Romanian while pointing at Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Mr. Pitt's office) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (on phone) Oh, yes, yes I'll tell him. Yes, thank you. Um, um hold on. (to Pitt) Mr. Pitt! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> (staring at 3-D poster) I think I'm on to something! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Pitt! The board of directors is on the phone. They've called an emergency meeting. They want you to be there to discuss the merger! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> You said keep your eyes out of focus, which is misleading. You want DEEP focus! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (on phone) Yes, hi. Okay, fine, yeah, hold on just a second. Lemme just... (reaches into purse) Yeah, I've got it... (pulls out both hands completely covered in black ink) Oh! Oh! Yeah, yeah, he'll be there. (drops phone, rushes to Pitt) Mr. Pitt, you have GOT to stop staring at that poster! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> I see something that could be a spaceship. Is it round? Is it pointy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (grabs poster, smashes it) No, you don't see it, and you're never going to see it! (grabs Pitt by the lapels, getting ink all over his jacket) Mr. Pitt, you have to meet with the shareholders, you have to leave now. Do you hear me? Do you hear me?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Hmm, what's happened to me? (straightens lapels) When's the meeting? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> In about twenty minutes. <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Oh! (puts finger to face, smearing ink on his upper lip which now resembles an "Adolph Hitler"-style moustache) Do I have time to change? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, no. <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Well, excuse me, I'd better get straight over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, Mr. Pitt... <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, there's a just... (points at her own upper lip) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> (sees Elaine's hands covered in ink) Is that ink? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No? <b> </b> (Pitt exits) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George's car) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, here we are. <b> </b><b> LINDSAY </b> Do you want to come in? My mother's having a little party. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe I could just use the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LINDSAY </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Circus, back stage) <b> </b><b> ANNOUNCER </b> (voiceover) Ladies and gentlemen, could I direct your attention to the center ring, where the incomparable Misha will balance ten stories above the circus floor on a wire no wider than a human thumb. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MISHA </b> It is time. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, break a leg. <b> </b> (Misha gives Jerry a dark look) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Eh, show biz... <b> </b><b> ANNOUNCER </b> Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable Misha! <b> </b><b> </b> (Misha exits) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Boy, those capes are really coming back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Lindsay's mother's apartment) <b> </b><b> PARTY GUEST </b> (exits bathroom, finds George waiting) Oh, sorry I took so long. They've got one of those 3-D art posters in there. (wipes eyes) It's mesmerizing. <b> </b><b> </b> (George enters bathroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Circus) <b> </b> (Kramer repeatedly convulses in pain, spilling popcorn and food everywhere, enters Men's room) <b> </b><b> </b> (Misha walks slowly across tightrope) <b> </b> (Long scream bellows forth from Men's room, causing other occupant to flee and Misha to wobble) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Circus, back stage) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that sound? <b> </b><b> KATYA </b> (covering ears) It is horrible! <b> </b> (Shots of various circus performers reacting to the reverberating scream. Misha falls off the tightrope as audience gasps in horror) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Lindsay's mother's apartment) <b> </b> (George emerges from bathroom, shirtless and rubbing eyes) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whew! Anybody see that poster in there? That is weird, wild stuff, huh? Whew! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George looks around and sees all the party guests staring at him, then realizes he's shirtless. Tries to act casual) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Morgan Springs shareholder meeting) <b> </b> (Mr. Pitt stands at a podium, and still has the small black "ink moustache". He speaks harshly and with conviction, gesturing emphatically.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> I have been accused of wrong-doing. But these false accusations will not deter us. We WILL annex Poland by the Spring, at any cost! AND... our stock will rise HIGH! (raises hand) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Circus, back stage) <b> </b><b> KATYA </b> He'll be all right. I must go and be with Misha now. I don't want you to come with me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, why not? <b> </b><b> KATYA </b> It has been three days since our night together. Misha said that was all the time I needed to put in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> KATYA </b> In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian". You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian. (walks off) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Circus, Men's room) <b> </b> (Kramer walks out, jubilant and whistling) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Gymnast Script

1994-11-17

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE MOM AND POP STORE </b> Written by Tom Gammill &amp; Max Pross <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I like the names they have for cars. Like, no baron has ever owned a LeBaron. Or the Ford LTD. "LTD." Limited. It's a "limited" edition...what did they make, fifty million of those? "Yes, it's 'limited' to the number we can sell." Or when they try and mangle a positive word into a car name, you know how they'll do that? The "Integra." Oh, integrity? No, Integra. The "Supra." Or the "Impreza." Yeah? Well, I hope it's not a "lemona"...or you'll be hearing from my "lawya." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George looking at cars at a used car lot, checking out an '89 Volvo.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAR SALESMAN </b> George, are you sure I can't show you any other cars? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't think so, Vic. I've done my homework. '89 Volvo, that's the car for me, it's the one I want. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> I got a LeBaron convertible right here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> N.I. Not interested. <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> It's got a few more miles on it, but the previous owner was John Voight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jon Voight? <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone with Tim Whatley. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, Tim. You're welcome. (Hangs up.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Was that Tim Whatley? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, it was. He wanted your address - you, my friend, are going to be invited to his night-before-Thanksgiving party. (Elaine raises her hands triumphantly, then gleefully struts her way to the kitchen.) You know, he's got that great apartment on 77th street, and they overlook where they inflate all those huge balloons for the Macy's Thankgiving Day Parade? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I have always had a big crush on Tim Whatley. Why can't he ask me out? (Punctuates this by shoving Jerry.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, he's a dentist. You don't want to go out with a dentist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He'll always be criticizing your brushing technique, it'll drive you crazy. (Mimics brushing his teeth) Away from the gums... (The door opens a little, George jangles the keys to his new car at Jerry and Elaine, then enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh - new car! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohhh! Mark's Michelle is a dog. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! Did you get the Volvo? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I decided to go with an '89 LeBaron. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A LeBaron? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought Consumer said Volvo was the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What Consumer? I'm the consumer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. Seems like...a strange choice. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, maybe so...but it was good enough for Mr. Jon Voight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jon Voight? The actor? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's right. He just happened to be the previous owner of the vehicle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You bought a car because it belonged to Jon Voight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, no... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I think yes, yes. You like the idea of telling people you're driving Jon Voight's car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, maybe I do. So what. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've never even seen him in a car. I mean, look at his movies. No cars. Deliverance - canoe. Midnight Cowboy - boots. Runaway Train...runaway train. (Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, you know that shoe repair place at the end of the block? Well, if they don't get some business, they're gonna have to shut down and make way for one of those gourmet coffee or cookie stores. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I like coffee. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I like (imitates Kramer) "cookies." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, of course you do. And do you know why? Because you're a bunch of yuppies. It's your go-go corporate takeover lifestyles that are driving out these Mom and Pop stores and destroying the fabric of this neighborhood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, what's so great about a Mom and Pop store? Let me tell you something. If my Mom and Pop ran a store, I wouldn't shop there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, Bogambo - they've been in the neighborhood for 48 years. Now, come on, Jerry. You've gotta have a pair of shoes in need of a cobblin.' <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I really don't wear the kind of shoes that have to be cobbled. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, what about sneakers? You know, they'll clean 'em. They do complete detailing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, take 'em. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah-yah. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer dropping off a box full of Jerry's sneakers at Mom and Pop's shoe repair shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POP </b> Kramer, without you, we'd be out of business. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well you know, these sneakers, they belong to my neighbor, Jerry Seinfeld? The comedian. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MOM </b> So many sneakers! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, he's got a Peter Pan complex. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> POP </b> They'll be ready a week from Thursday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, well, no rush. (wipes his nose) Uh oh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MOM </b> What's the matter? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I keep getting these nosebleeds. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MOM </b> Oh, lie down, and put your head back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. (Lies on the couch and cracks the back of his head against the armrest.) Hey, what's with your ceiling? (Mom and Pop look up.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> POP </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you got wires sticking out every which way. That looks dangerous, you should call the electrician. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POP </b> You know, in the 48 years we've been here, I don't think we've ever called an electrician. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah well, you should. This place could blow any minute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine at Mr. Pitt's, listening to big band music on the radio. Mr. Pitt enters. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, Mr. Pitt? <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Have you gotten all the salt off those pretzels yet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I'm still working on it. <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> What in blazes are you listening to? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Artie Shaw. "Honeysuckle Jump." (The song ends.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> DJ ON RADIO </b> That was Artie Shaw, "Honeysuckle Jump." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Elaine! How did you know that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, my father used have a huge collection of big band records. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DJ ON RADIO </b> Congratulations to our listener Wayne Hopper for identifying it. And by doing so, he becomes our seventh person to land the WFBB-sponsored Woody Woodpecker balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. (Mr. Pitt hears this and is intrigued; mouths the words "Woody Woodpecker.") There are only three spots left. We're going to take a little break now; when we come back, you'll have three more chances to win a spot holding a rope under Woody Woodpecker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Could you identify the next song? Could you? Could you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mr. Pitt, why would you want to hold onto the ropes on the Woody Woodpecker balloon? <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> My father was a stern man. He forbad us to participate in any activities that he thought were associated with the common man. The Thanksgiving Day Parade was first on the list. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. Alright, I'll do the best I can. (Turns up the radio.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> DJ ON RADIO </b> Alright, here we go for the next spot under the balloon. If you know the name of this song, call 555-BAND. (The music starts. Elaine listens intently.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Well, Elaine? Do you know it? What song is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Will you shut up? I can't hear! <b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> I'm sorry! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! I've got it! It's "Next Stop Pottersville"! (Grabs the phone to call it in.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. PITT </b> Goody! Yes! Yes! Yes! (Dances back and forth, elated) Next Stop Pottersville, Next Stop Pottersville! You are a genius! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George walking down the street toward George's new car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You are gonna love this car. Even if you don't like Jon Voight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I like Jon Voight. Just seems like kind've a strange reason to buy a car, because he might have driven it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do you mean "might"? You don't think he really owned this car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, why would the guy make up something like that? Of all the names he could pick, why settle on Jon Voight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't you see, that's the genius of it. If he had said Liam Neeson, you'd know he's making it up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Neeson? How are you comparing Liam Neeson with Jon Voight? Jerry, we're talking about Joe Buck. If you can play Joe Buck, Oskar Schindler's a cake walk. (Opens the car door for Jerry, Jerry's about to get in.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, look at this, I stepped in gum. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whoa, whoa, you're not getting in my car with gummy shoes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I'll change my shoes. (Heads back to his apartment. George follows.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Liam Neeson. You know, he's not American. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Cut to Jerry and George coming back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry tosses his gummy sneakers on the floor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me get a clean pair. (Goes into his room. George strides over to the window.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Everybody's talkin' at me...I can't hear a word they're sayin'...just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer! (We hear Kramer's door slam open and shut. Kramer enters. Jerry comes out of his room.) Hey! Where's all my sneakers? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You said take 'em. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not all of 'em! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, obviously there was a miscommunication. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Obviously. So what am I supposed to wear? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, I left you a pair right here...(goes into Jerry's room and comes out with a pair of cowboy boots.) C'mon. There, put on those boots. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't wear these! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They're uncomfortable. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> C'mon here, try 'em on. (Jerry sits down and puts the boots on.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where did you get those? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I worked a club in Dallas one time and they couldn't afford to pay me so they gave me these. Oh, I can't wear these! (Stands up.) They look ridiculous! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah, you look like a cowboy! Huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> But I don't wanna be a cowboy! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, stop it. You know that friend of yours, Tim the dentist? I got an invitation to his Thanksgiving Eve party. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I got one too. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah? Huh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, nothing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, what is it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's just that I, uh...didn't get one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You didn't get one? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, but he called me up and he asked for yours and Elaine's addresses, I'm sure that means I'm invited. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Not necessarily. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, why would you call someone up and ask them for two addresses if you're not invited to the party? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's the genius of it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm callin' Elaine. See if she can find out anything from Tim Whatley. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. I got Jon Voight's LeBaron. (Jingles the keys.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Boss! <b> </b><b> </b> Mom and Pop talking to the electrician about the faulty wiring in the ceiling of the shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POP </b> Four thousand dollars? We can't afford that! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELECTRICIAN </b> Well I'm afraid you're gonna have to do something about it, because it's in violation of the building code. Otherwise, they're gonna close you up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> POP </b> But what if we can't pay for it? <b> </b><b> ELECTRICIAN </b> Then I have to report you. Otherwise, I lose my license. Sorry. (Exits.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> POP </b> 48 years, Mom! And now we have to close! All because of that idiot and his bloody nose! (Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Afternoon, Mom! Afternoon, Pop. You know you got a crack in the sidewalk out there? Now, you oughta get that fixed. <b> </b><b> </b> (Pop glares at Kramer angrily.) <b> </b><b> </b> George and Jerry driving along in John Voight's car. George is humming the tune to "Everybody's Talkin.'" <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon, put the top up, it's November! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I feel alive, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let's check out the glove box. (Opens the glove compartment, takes out a pencil.) Ah. Pencil. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey...you don't think...sure, that's Jon Voight's pencil! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> With Jon Voight's teeth marks. (Looks at the owner's manual.) Owner's manual...you know what? This car was owned by Jon Voight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah! See? I told ya. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Except Jon is spelled with an H. J-O-H-N. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Doesn't Jon Voight spell his name J-O-N? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, what are you saying? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nothing. I'm sure "Jon" probably mispelled his own name. I know sometimes I spell Jerry with a G...and an I! (Laughs uproariously.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Get out of the car! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's right, you heard me. Get out! You are ruining this whole experience for me! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, look! There's Gregory Peck's bicycle! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Get out! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And Barbara Mandrell's skateboard! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Get out!! (Jerry gets out and George drives away. A couple of guys notice Jerry in his cowboy boots.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> TOUGH GUY </b> Hey, cowboy. Where's your horse? (Jerry slips and slides in his cowboy boots and runs away.) Yeah, you better run! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Commercial break. <b> </b> Jerry, George and Elaine at Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Did they take anything? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, they didn't even touch me. I tripped because of these stupid cowboy boots. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Anyway, again, I'm sorry about throwing you out of the car. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You really seemed to enjoy it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It was kinda fun. (Elaine gives Jerry a cold cloth for his jaw.) You know, maybe his name really is J-O-H-N, but he changed it to J-O-N for show business. Well, you know, J-O-N is a lot zippier. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's possible. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How would you find out something like that...wait a minute, what am I thinking? I've got the entire Yankee organization at my disposal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He'll dispose of it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Heh, that's right. See ya later. (Exits.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So Jerome, I did a little snooping around for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah! What'd you find out, Lois? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I talked to Tim Whatley... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And I asked him, "Should Jerry bring anything?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So...? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mmmm...and he said, "Why would Jerry bring anything?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, but let me ask you this question. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Which word did he emphasize? Did he say, "Why would Jerry bring anything?" or, "Why would Jerry bring anything?" You emphasize "Jerry" or "bring." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think he emphasized "would." <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know what? The hell with this party, I don't even want to go to begin with. (Kramer enters.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, so where's my sneakers? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's what I wanna know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I saw Mom and Pop this morning, but when I went by the store on my way home? The place was empty. Everything is gone. Mom and Pop - vrooop - vanished. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So all my sneakers are gone? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm afraid so. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I've been asking around - they didn't even have any kids. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mom and Pop aren't even a Mom and Pop?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It was all an act, Jerry. They conned us, and they scored, big time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So. Mom and Pop's plan was to move into the neighborhood...establish trust...for 48 years. And then, run off with Jerry's sneakers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Apparently. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, that's enough of this. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where ya goin'? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I gotta go to the Dixieland Deli to pick up Mr. Pitt's security pass for the parade. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why does he want to hold a rope underneath Woody Woodpecker in the Thanksgiving Day Parade? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He finds his laugh "intoxicating." (Laughs like Woody Woodpecker, and exits.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George in a meeting at Yankee stadium. <b> </b><b> MR. MORGAN </b> So George, what kind of promotional events are we talking about? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I think we need more special days at the stadium, you know? Like, uh...Joe Pepitone Day. Or, uh...Jon Voight Day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MR. MORGAN </b> Jon Voight? The actor? (Rubs his eyes wearily.) Uh, I make a motion that we have no more of these meetings that have been initiated by George Costanza. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I suppose if I had suggested Liam Neeson Day, you'd all be patting me on the back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine at the Dixieland Deli, seated at a table with the other contest winners. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CONTEST WINNER </b> I guessed Stan Herman's "Boomtown Blues." What'd you guess? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, it was, uh..."Next Stop Pottersville." (The group is unimpressed.) Uh, do you know when they're giving out the passes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CONTEST WINNER </b> After the music. (The band starts playing directly behind Elaine. She is deafened by the loudness of the horns.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer walking down the street. His nose starts to bleed. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. Oh man. (Takes out a Kleenex and puts his head back. Jon Voight comes out of a doorway and hails a cab.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VOIGHT </b> Taxi! (Walks right by Kramer.) Taxi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! Jon Voight! Jon Voight! (Voight waves at Kramer and hurriedly gets in the cab. Kramer runs over to the car.) Hey, listen, can I ask you something? Listen, listen...(Leans in the the open back window of the cab. Defensively, Voight grabs Kramer's arm and bites it. Kramer screams. The cab speeds off leaving Kramer in the street, stunned.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No Jon Voight Day, huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. Now I'll always have this doubt about the car. What, your jaw still hurts? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it's all swollen. I think I may have chipped a tooth when I fell yesterday. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You should have somebody take a look at that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm calling dentists all day here, there's nobody working the day before Thanksgiving. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You going to the party? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I don't know if I'm invited. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, there's going to be a lot of dentists there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, you're right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't want to suffer with this all weekend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I gotta see a dentist, this is killin' me. Well, I'll take a chance. We'll go together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe I'll just meet you there. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't want to go with me? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, for all I know this guy went out of his way to not invite you. How am I gonna feel if I show up with an uninvited, unwelcome intruder? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The way I feel when I go places with you? (Kramer enters.) Hey, so'd you find my sneakers yet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. (To George) But I did run into somebody you might be interested in, a Mr. Jon Voight, the actor? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jon Voight! Are you kiddin' me? Did you talk to him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, he was a little standoffish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, you didn't ask him about the car? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I couldn't, his cab pulled away. But he did, however, make an impression on me. (Pulls up his sleeve and shows George his arm.) Look. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> His tooth marks. He bit me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jon Voight bit you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what is he, a vampire? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, it's justifiable. He thought I was going for his wallet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He left perfect imprints. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That he did. Now, you got that pencil with the bite marks on it? We get a trained eye to match 'em up, and we'll see whether or not you're driving Jon Voight's car! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, please. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute, wait, it's not that stupid. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's stupid. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why? Why isn't it possible? I mean, they're both bite marks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're gonna show up at that party with a chewed-up pencil and Kramer's gnarled arm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's worth a shot. (Goes to the door.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, Kramer, you wanna go to the party together? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, look, come on, I'm an invited guest. I can't be aiding and abetting some...party-crasher. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Tim Whatley's party. Jerry peeks his head around the corner, then slowly moves through the crowd, covering his face to keep a low profile. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me, uh...dentist? You a dentist? (The guy shakes his head. Jerry moves on to another guy.) Dentist? Are you a dentist? <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to George and Kramer looking at the parade out the window. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> These are the balloons? Big deal, all I see is Woody Woodpecker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got a problem with Woody Woodpecker? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, what is he? Some sort of an instigator? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> That's right. He's a troublemaker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine enters the party with a trophy under her arm, and runs into Jerry.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Elaine. Did you get my message? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? I can't hear a word you're saying. I was stuck at the Dixieland Deli all day. My head is still ringing. Where's Tim? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is that, the Empire State Building? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? I can't hear you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, would you marry me? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I told you, I can't hear a word. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright. Forget it. <b> </b> (Tim gets up from the couch and meets George and Kramer.) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Tim. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Hey, George. Kramer, how ya doin.' (They shake hands.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Watch the arm! Tim, listen, we don't want to bother you, we know you're busy here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> No, it's no problem, what is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me show you something, take a look at this... (Another guy at the party interrupts.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUY </b> Alright Tim, I'm gonna get goin.' <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Alright, let me take down your number. (Grabs George's pencil, then notices Jerry sitting on the couch.) Is that Jerry Seinfeld? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He didn't come with us. (Tim walks over to Jerry.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, Tim, the pencil... <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Tim. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Jerry. I didn't think you'd show. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you say, "Jerry, I didn't think you'd show" or, "Jerry, I didn't think you'd show"? (Elaine comes over.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Elaine! Hi! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Tim. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Well. I'm really glad you came. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Really glad you came. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh huh. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Listen, Elaine, I've been wanting to ask you...would you like to go out with me New Years Eve? (Elaine thinks Tim is offering her a nut, and shakes her head no. Tim, rejected, walks away.) Thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? What? <b> </b> (Cut to George and Kramer talking to another dentist at the party.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me ask you something. Could you tell if teeth marks on someone's arm matched teeth marks on a pencil? <b> </b><b> </b><b> DENTIST </b> It's possible. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Roll up your sleeve. <b> </b><b> DENTIST </b> Somebody bit you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Not just someone. Jon Voight. <b> </b><b> DENTIST </b> Jon Voight bit you? (George notices Tim across the room with the pencil in his mouth.) The pencil! Hey, hey! Get the pencil out of your mouth, you're destroying Jon Voight's teeth marks! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> That's John Voight's pencil? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's right. I got his whole car downstairs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Are you the one who bought his LeBaron convertible? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes! Yes, I'm the one! Hey! So, you know Jon Voight! <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Yes! Yes, I went to dental school with him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jon Voight, the actor? <b> </b><b> TIM </b> No. The periodontist. (George snaps the pencil in two.) <b> </b><b> </b> (Cut to Jerry by the window, getting one of the dentists at the party to look at his chipped tooth.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> DENTIST </b> Can't this wait until Monday? Come by my office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just a quick peek. I'm in agony. <b> </b><b> DENTIST </b> Alright. Sit down. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's this one here in the back. (Tilts his head back, and knocks Elaine's trophy out the window. A loud hissing sound and commotion is heard from the street below. Everyone runs to the windows to look.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh! You popped Woody Woodpecker! <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Hey, who invited you, anyway? You're a troublemaker! (Jerry nervously laughs like Woody Woodpecker as the breeze from the popped balloon blows in the window.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment, watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ANNOUNCER ON TV </b> Hey, it looks like Woody Woodpecker is running out of air. In fact, he's collapsing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Those kids look pretty disappointed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Especially that big kid up in the front. (Mr. Pitt is shown on the television, trying to hold up the deflating Woody balloon.) How old is he? (The phone rings.) Hello? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUY ON PHONE </b> Hello, is this Jerry Seinfeld? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes it is. <b> </b><b> GUY ON PHONE </b> You don't know me, but a really strange thing happened. I was at a garage sale, and this old couple sold me a used pair of sneakers they claimed belonged to Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can I have the address of that garage sale? Okay, thank you very much. (To Kramer) I found Mom and Pop, they're sellin' my sneakers! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Where are they? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Parsippany, New Jersey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Let's go! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My car's in the shop. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, how are we getting to Parsippany? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Cut to Jerry and Kramer sitting in the back of a Trailways bus, en route to Parsippany. Kramer's nose starts to bleed again.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh. Jerry. These nosebleeds are starting again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe we should get you to a hospital. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, I ain't goin' to no Bellevue! Look at me, I'm fallin' apart here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Mom And Pop Store Script

1994-11-10

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SOUP NAZI </b> Written by Spike Feresten <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. So, what theatre you wanna go to tonight? We got 61st and 3rd or 84th and Broadway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Which one you wanna go to shmoopy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> You called me shmoppy. You're a shmoopy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're a shmoopy! <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> You're a shmoopy! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're a shmoopy! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, shmoopies...what's it gonna be? Pick a theater. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh..we'll go to 3rd Avenue. So, can you come with us for lunch to the soup place? <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> No. You have a good lunch. But I'll meet you back here for the movie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Hi Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi Sheila. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, then. I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Bye shmoopy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bye shmoopy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay. We ready to go? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. Please. Please, let's go. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Boy, I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. We gotta go to the soup place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What soup place? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, there's a soup stand, Kramer's been going there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's always raving. I finally got a chance to go there the other day, and I tell you this, you will be stunned. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Stunned by soup? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't eat this soup standing up, your knees buckle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh. All right. Come on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's only one caveat -- the guy who runs the place is a little temperamental, especially about the ordering procedure. He's secretly referred to as the Soup Nazi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? What happens if you don't order right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He yells and you don't get your soup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just follow the ordering procedure and you will be fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. All right. Let's - let's go over that again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. As you walk in the place move immediately to your right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The main thing is to keep the line moving. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. So, you hold out your money, speak your soup in a loud, clear voice, step to the left and receive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. It's very important not to embellish on your order. No extraneous comments. No questions. No compliments. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, boy, I'm really scared! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. Jerry, that's enough now about the Soup Nazi. Whoa! Wow! Look at this. You know what this is? This is an antique armoire. Wow! It's French. Armoire. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ar-moire. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How much is this? <b> </b><b> FURNITURE GUY </b> I was asking 250, but you got a nice face. 2 even. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh? Ha. 200. You know, I've always wanted one of these things. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He gave you the nice face discount. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. All right. You guys go ahead. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about the soup? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm getting an armoire, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (in French accent) Pardon. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This line is huge. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's like this all the time. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Isn't that that Bania guy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no. It is. Just be still. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whoop! Too late. I think he picked up the scent. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Hey, Jerry! I didn't know you liked soup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hard to believe. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> This guy makes the best soup in the city, Jerry. The best. You know what they call him? Soup Nazi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Shhhhh! All right, Bania, I - I'm not letting you cut in line. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because if he catches us, we'll never be able to get soup again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Okay. Okay. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Medium turkey chili. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Medium crab bisque. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't get any bread. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just forget it. Let it go. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Bread -- $2 extra. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> You want bread? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, please. <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b><b> $3! </b> <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> No soup for you! (snaps fingers) <b> </b> (cashier takes George's soup and gives him back his money) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you mean I can't bring in here? I live here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUPER </b> It's Sunday, Elaine. There's no moving on Sunday. That's the rule. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But I didn't know, Tom. I g -- can't you just make an exception? Please. I've got a nice face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SUPER </b> Tomorrow, okay? You can move it in tommorrow. I'll even give you a hand, all right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohh! Well, you're just gonna have to hold this for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> FURNITURE GUY </b> I'm a guy on the sidewalk. I don't have layaway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no...please don't go. Please - please don't walk away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, man. Ohh! This is fantastic. How does he do it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, I don't see how you can sit there eating that and not even offer me any? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I gave you a taste. What do you want? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why can't we share? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told you not to say anything. You can't go in there, brazenly flaunt the rules and then think I'm gonna share with you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you hear yourself? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry. This is what comes from living under a Nazi regime. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I gotta go back there and try again. Hi Sheila. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Hi. Hi shmoopy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi shmoopy. <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> No, you're a shmoopy! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're a shmoopy! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm going. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, listen, so we'll meet you and Susan at the movie tonight? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what? I changed my mind. I, uh, I don't think so. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I just don't feel like it anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just like that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just like that. <b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Boy, he's a weird guy, isn't he? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (taking Jerry's couch cushion) Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wha -- what are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Elaine, she has to leave her armoire on the street all <b> </b><b> </b> night...I'm gonna guard it for her. I need something to sit on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, sit on one of your couch cushions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, but this is so nice and thick. Ahoy there! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Kramer! Thank God. I really appreciate you doing this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Well, you ask for it, you got it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Do you need anything? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, a bowl of muligatawny would hit the spot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Mulligatawny? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. It's an Indian soup. It's simmered to perfection by one of <b> </b><b> </b> the great soup artisans <b> </b> in the modern era. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! Who? The Soup Nazi? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> He's not a Nazi. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most <b> </b><b> </b> geniuses are. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. I'll be back. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait a second. You don't even know how to order. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, no. No. No. No. I got it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. No, Elaine! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, I got it. Hey. Didn't you already get soup? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. I didn't get it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? What happened? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I made a mistake. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughing) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. Well, we'll see what happens to you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. No. Listen, George, I am quite certain I'm walking out of <b> </b><b> </b> there with a bowl of soup. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Hey, let ask you something. Is it just me, or - or do you <b> </b><b> </b> find it unbearable to be around Jerry and that girl? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I know! It is awful! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why do they have to do that in front of people? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is that with the shmoopy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohh! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmmopy, shmoopy! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ohh! Stop it! I know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I had to listen to a five minute discussion on which one is <b> </b><b> </b> actually called shmoopy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ugh! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And I cancelled plans to go to the movies with them tonight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, we should say something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, we absolutely should. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean, why does he do that? Doesn't he know what a huge turnoff <b> </b><b> </b> that is? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know. He can be so weird sometimes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I still haven't figured him out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. Me neither. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. Shh! I gotta focus. I'm shifting into soup mode. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, God! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Good afternoon. One large crab bisque to go. Bread. Beautiful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> You're pushing your luck little man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sorry. Thank you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi there. Um, uh -- (drumming on countertop) Oh! Oh! Oh! One <b> </b><b> </b> mulligatawny and, um.... <b> </b> what is that right there? Is that lima bean? <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Never been a big fan. (coughing) Um..you know what? Has anyone ever <b> </b><b> </b> told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, " Scent Of A Woman." <b> </b><b> </b> Who-ah! Who-ah! <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Very good. Very good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I -- <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> You know something? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hmmm? <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> No soup for you! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Come back one year! Next! <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Look at this. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> It's an antique. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> It's all hand made and I love the in-lay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Yes. Yes. me, too. Ay, it's gorgeous. Completely. Pick it up. No. No. <b> </b><b> </b> Pick it up from the bottom over there. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What are you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> What does it look like we're doing? We're taking this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You can't take this. This belongs to a friend of mine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Look, you wanna get hurt? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> BOB </b> I don't think you wanna get hurt. Because if you wanna get hurt I can <b> </b><b> </b> hurt you. Now, just back off. <b> </b><b> RAY </b> Bob. <b> </b><b> BOB </b> Just pick it up. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What is this, huh? <b> </b><b> BOB </b> You have some kind of problem here? What is it you not understanding? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> We taking the armoire and that's all there is to it. Okay? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean, is he allowed to do this? It's discrimination! I'm gonna <b> </b><b> </b> call the states' attorney office. I really am. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, this is fabulous. My God Elaine, you have to taste this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. All right. Give me a tsate. Mmm! Oh God, I gotta sit <b> </b><b> </b> down. What happened? Where's my armoire? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, b -- it was stolen. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wha--? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> These street toughs, they robbed me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Street toughs took my armoire? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. It was very frightening. My life was in danger. You should've <b> </b><b> </b> seen the way they talked to me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe this! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, where's the soup? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wha -- the Soup Nazi threw me out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh...yeah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you gonna get? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> I'll decide at the last minute. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You better decide, sister. You're on deck. Sheila! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Soup Nazi pounding on countertop) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-oh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Hey, what is this? You're kissing in my line? Nobody kisses in <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> my line! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> I can kiss anywhere I want to. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> You just cost yourself a soup! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> How dare you? Come on, Jerry, we're leaving. Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do I know you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So, essentially, you chose soup over a woman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was a bisque. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. You know what I just realized? Suddenly, George has become <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> much more normal than you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Come on. I mean, think about it. He's engaged to be married. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Your top priority is soup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Have you tastes the soup? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. All right. You made the right decision. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> See, the way I figure it, it's much easier to patch things up with <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Sheila than with the Soup Nazi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There he is. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Elaine, I'm really sorry about the armoire. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. I know. Me, too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, did these thieves want any money? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They just wanted the armoire? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. They were..quite taken with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (interom buzzes) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hup! Hup! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, have you noticed George is acting a little strange lately? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. In what way? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. A lot of attitude, like he's better than me, or <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't think George has ever thought he's better than anybody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Were you just talking about me? What's going on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Absolutely not. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Something's going on here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, (claps hands) I'm gonna go get some soup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> One of these days that guy is gonna get his. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, how was the movie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw, we didn't go. Sheila and I are kind of on the outs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yeah? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Wha - wha - what are you, happy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Happy? Why should I be happy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know, but you look like you're happy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why should I care? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't fool me. Don't insult me, George because I know when <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you're happy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. I am happy, and I'll tell ya why -- because the two of <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you were making me and every one of your friends sick! Right, Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine sneaks out of Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that so? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Yeah. With all that kissing and the shmoopy, shmoopy, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy out in public like that. It's disgusting! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Disgusting? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> People who do that should be arrested. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I guess I have all the more reason to get back with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ye - yeah. And we had a pact, you know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You shook my hand in that coffee shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're still with the pact? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mmm-hmm. You reneged. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All I did was shake your hand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah-ha! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And then they just ran off with the armoire, just like that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Ohh! This city. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> One large jambalaya, please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> So, continue. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, my friend is awful disappointed is all. You know, she's very <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> emotional. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Thank you. (inhaling deeply) Jambalaya! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> All right, now listen to me. You have been a good friend. I have <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> an armoire in my basement. If you want to pick it up, you're welcome <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to it. So, take it, it's yours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How can I possibly thank you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> You are the only one who understands me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You suffer for your soup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Yes. That is right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You demand perfection from yourself, from your soup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> How can I tolerate any less from my customer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CUSTOMER </b> Uh, gazpacho, por favor. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Por favor? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CUSTOMER </b> Um, I'm part Spanish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Adios muchacho! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Git. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was stupid of me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Well, it was very insulting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. I know. I - I was really sort of half-kidding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Well, behind every joke there's some truth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about that Bavarian cream pie joke I told you? There's no truth <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United States <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they get <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> there and they don't have it he says " Aw, I'll just have some <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> coffee." There's no truth to that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Well, I guess you're right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, am I forgiven, shmoopy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Yes, shmoopy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hey, Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hi Susan, George. You remember Sheila. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yes. Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Hello. Won't you join us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Of course. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. Well -- So, uh, sit on the same side at a booth, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. That's right. You got a problem? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I, uh, just think it's a little unusual. Two people to sit on one <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> side...and leave the other side empty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, we're changing the rules. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ahh. Good for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Aw, what are you getting George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, honey. What do you want to get? (in babying voice) I <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> want you to get anything you want...'cause I love you so much. <b> I </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> want you to be happy. Okay, sweetie? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, George, you're so sweet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I could be a little sweetie tweetie weetie weetie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Aww! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about you, shmoopy? How 'bout a little tuna? You want a little <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> tuna fishy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SHEILA </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yum yum little tuna fishy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (George &amp; Susan begin making out; Jerry &amp; Sheila begin making out in order <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to keep up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And..voila! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (gasps) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh! Oh, I love it! I absolutely love it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Did the K Man do it or did the K Man do it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The K Man did it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughing) How much did you pay for this thing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> How 'bout zero? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? Who's was it? Where'd you get it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll tell ya where I got it. I got it from the guy you so callously <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> refer to as the Soup Nazi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine pushes on Kramer's chest, causing in to fall backwards through her <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> swinging door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> The Soup Nazi gave it to you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I told him the whole story and he just let me have it. Wha -- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Yeah. He's a wonderful man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (gasps) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Well, a little bit misunderstood but, uh.... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I'm just gonna go down there and personally thank him. I <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> mean, I had this guy all wrong. This is wonderful! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Well, he's a dear. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How much tip do you leave on $8.15? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You know sweetie, I just want you to know that I was so proud of you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> today expressing your feelings so freely in front of Jerry and all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Just knowing that you're not afraid of those things is such a great step <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> forward in our relationship. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> (in babying voice) Because you love your little kiki don't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CUSTOMER </b> How is he today? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> I think he's in a good mood. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. You know, Kramer gave me the armoire and it is so beautiful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I'm mean, I just can't tell you how much I appreciate it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> You? If I knew it was for you, I never would have given it to <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> him in the first place! I would have taken a hatchet and smashed it <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to pieces! Now, who wants soup? Next! Speak up! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm heading over to Elaine's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. Jerry, those are the guys that mugged me for the armoire. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Those two? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you sure? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. That's them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, let's confront 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. No. No. No. Let's get a cop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's no cops around. They're gonna leave. Come on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let's go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Oh, wow look, that one is gorgeous. I would just kill for that one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> Oh, not in blue. Blue does not go with all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Oh, please. Do you know what you're talking about? Because I don't <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> think you know what you're talking about. Take a look at that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Excuse me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> Are you talking to me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, well, uh, we -- <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> RAY </b> I said, are you talking to me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BOB </b> Well, maybe, he was talking to me. Was you talking to him? Because you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> was obviously talking to one of us. So what is it? Who?! Who was you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> talking to?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, wha -- I, uh -- uh, we were kind of, uh, talking to each <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> other, weren't we? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry &amp; Kramer turn around and run away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I mean, you know, I've never been so insulted in my entire life. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> There's something really wrong with this man. He is a Soup Nazi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> What? What is that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. " 5 cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> olive oil, 3 pounds of celery, chopped parsley..." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Let me see this. (gasps) You know what this is? This is a recipe <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> for soup, and look at this. There are like thirty different recipes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> These are his recipes! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERY </b> So? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So? So, his secret's out. Don't you see? I could give these to <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> every restaurant in town. I could have 'em published! I could - I could <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> drop fliers from a plane above the city. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second, Elaine. Where do you think you're going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you care? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, I don't want you causing any trouble down at that soup <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> stand. I happen to love that soup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Get out of my way, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, let the man make his soup! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Don't make me hurt you, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Look, they have it in blue...for my baby bluey. Are you my baby <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> bluey? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, yes. I - I'm your baby bluey. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well. Well. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Hi, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Susan, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> You know, I really like Sheila a lot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, really? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Mmm-hmm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because we're kind of not seeing each other anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Oh, no! That's too bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Well, she was very affectionate - which I love. You know I love that - but mentally, we couldn't quite make the connection. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Too bad, 'cause you gotta have the affection - which you obviously have. I think it's great that you're so open with your affections in public. See, we had that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SUSAN </b> Mmm-hmm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You did? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah. But the mental thing. But anyway. I'll see ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. See ya. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Go on! Leave! Get out! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> But I didn't do anything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Next! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> You. You think you can get soup? Please. You're wasting everyone's time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't want soup. I can make my own soup. " 5 cups chopped Porcine <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds celery." <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> That is my recipe for wild mushroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, that's right. I got 'em all. Cold cucumber, corn and crab chowder, mulligatawny. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SOUP NAZI </b> Mulliga...tawny? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're through Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (panting) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Something's happened with the Soup Nazi! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wha - wha - what's the matter? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Elaine's down there causing all kinds of commotion. Somehow she got a hold of his recipes and she says she's gonna drive him out of business! The Soup Nazi said that now that his recipes are out, he's not gonna make anymore soup! He's moving out of the country, moving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry! No more soup for any of us! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, where are you going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> He's giving away what's left! I gotta go home and get a big pot! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Soup Script

1994-12-08

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SECRETARY </b> Written by Carol Leifer &amp; Marjorie Gross <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> I don't even know what, what is supposed to be attractive about fur? <b> </b> Why does a man want to see a woman in a fur? Men want women to shave their legs, shave their armpits, pluck their eyebrows and then before we go out, we dress them up like a bear. <b> </b> To me the only reason to wear fur, would be if you were trying to sneak up on another animal. Did you ever see those tribal hunters where they wear the fur and then they had the other animals, head on top of their head? You know I'm sure there's a moose looking at that going, <b> </b> Yeah, that looks real good. Yeah, I'm gonna turn my back on this goof ball with the extra head. Because there's nothing fishy going on there. <b> </b><b> </b> I'll just keep drinking from the stream. I've seen a lot of two-headed tigers with knees. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior of a Dry Cleaners -- then inside where Jerry and George are talking, Jerry is holding a few items, waiting to drop them off to be dry cleaned. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I am actually going to have a secretary and I get to do the <b> </b> interview. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's incredible. Six months ago you were taking messages for <b> </b> your mother. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, and now someone's going to be taking messages for me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> From your mother. <b> </b> (George &amp; Jerry turn and move closer to the counter as a few customers <b> </b> leave the store.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So this ah, woman you plan on hiring, is she going to be in the <b> </b> Spokes model category? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sure. I could go the tomato route. But eh, I've given this a <b> </b> lot of thought Jerry. All that frustration. I'll never get any work <b> </b> done. So I'm doing a complete 360. I'm going for total efficiency and <b> </b> ability. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's a 180, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Whatever. <b> </b> (Jerry turns and walks up to the counter. George wonders about the <b> </b> lobby area) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Willie. <b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Hey Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got this stuff and ah my mother's fur coat for storage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> What are you doing with it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, she keeps it in my apartment for when she comes up from <b> </b> Florida. <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Hey Jerry, you know my wife “Donna”. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, that's why I said “hi”. <b> </b> (Donna smiles and walks away) <b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Hey, nice jacket. (looking over the jacket) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks. It's Hounds-Tooth. <b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Whoa, this is a beauty. Great cut. It's probably very <b> </b> flattering. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yes, it really accentuates my bust line. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Daylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium, then to George Costanza's <b> </b><b> </b> office where he is interviewing an attractive applicant for his <b> </b><b> </b> secretary job. <b> </b><b> APPLICANT </b> Well, I type about 90 words a minute. I'm completely <b> </b> well-versed in all IBM and Macintosh programs. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (looking over her resume) Well Miss Coggins you're ah, obviously <b> </b> qualified for the job. You've all the necessary skills and experience. <b> </b><b> </b> But you're extremely attractive. you're gorgeous. I'm looking at you, <b> </b> I can't even remember my name. So ah, I'm afraid this is not going to <b> </b> work out (he crumples her resume into a ball) Thanks for coming in. <b> </b><b> </b> (the camera is now back on the applicant's seat, but another even more <b> </b> attractive woman is seated there) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're luscious. You're ravishing. I would give up red meat <b> </b> just to get a glimpse of you in a bra. I'm terribly sorry. (both <b> </b><b> </b> George and the attractive female applicant stand up as George reaches <b> </b> across the desk and shakes her hand for coming in) <b> </b><b> </b> (A very plain looking applicant now sits across from george) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ADE </b> As you can see my references are impeccable. I think I'd be a real <b> </b> asset here. My only concern is, I do take care of my mother. So will <b> </b> there be any late nights? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't imagine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior shot of Jerry's apartment, then inside where Elaine is holding <b> </b> a garment bag and talking with Jerry. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ok, So Barney's is having this huge sale. I try this dress on <b> </b> -- (holds the garment bag out towards Jerry) -- Stunning. Stunning. <b> I </b><b> </b> couldn't take my eyes off myself. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> OK, so then I put it on at home. It looks like I'm carrying <b> </b> twins. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're saying, Store -- Hotsy-Totsy, Home-- Hotsy-Notsy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah exactly. Anyway I've got to go over there and return it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought we were going to the movies? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right I'll try it on again. You tell me what you think. <b> </b> (she turns and goes into the bedroom to change clothes) <b> </b> (George Enters) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey George <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey Elaine. (George hangs up his raincoat next to the door) I'm <b> </b> telling you Jerry, having a secretary is incredible. (George claps <b> </b> hands) I don't know why I didn't have one before. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because you didn't have a job? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Perhaps. (hehe) I walk in, everything is organized -- messages, <b> </b> appointments. And I can't tell you how proud I am of myself for going <b> </b> with Ade. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A lesser man would have crumbled. They would have gone for the <b> </b> “dish” and the sure fire sexual-harassment suit. <b> </b> (Elaine walks back into the living room, modeling the dress, arms <b> </b> extended straight out from her sides, elbows bent, with the look on her <b> </b> face that says, huh ... what do you think? -- She walks towards George <b> </b> and Jerry) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a little ... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All Right! (throws arms down) You answered it right there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You got no waist in that thing. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You arms look like something hanging in a kosher deli. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I said, All Right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well wha'd you buy it for? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why did I buy it, because in the mirror, at Barney's, I looked <b> </b> fabulous. This woman was just walking by said I looked like Demi Moore <b> </b> in Indecent Proposal. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How fast was she walking? <b> </b> (Elaine heads for the bedroom to change out of the dress, turns and <b> </b> looks at Jerry) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Demi? I thought it was Demi? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. I think it's Demi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? I never heard of a semi tractor-trailer. (Jerry nods <b> </b> in agreement) <b> </b> (Elaine walks back in, still in the dress) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wait a minute (claps hands) Wait a minute. I know what's going <b> </b> on here. Skinny Mirrors! (she pushes George and Jerry in their <b> </b><b> </b> respective chests, with her arms extended -- one arm for each of them -- <b> </b> they recoil with surprise) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Skinny Mirrors! Barney's has Skinny Mirrors, they make you <b> </b> look, like, 10 pounds lighter. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you're crazy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Am I? (hands on hips) Do you think I would have bought this <b> </b> dress if I looked like this at Barney's? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Jerry, as Jerry nods in agreement) You know I think she <b> </b> might have something there. <b> </b> (Kramer enters, seeing Elaine -- his head and upper body lurches <b> </b><b> </b> backwards) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whoa. What are you all dressed up for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh I'm returning this dress to Barney's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Good idea. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do it tomorrow. Well go to the movies. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah yeah, ok. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey look, if you're going there, maybe you could pick me up some <b> </b> of this super hydrating, it's a total-protection moisturizer with Uva. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Moisturizer? That's girls stuff. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No no, look. I'll tell you what -- they're having a sale right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'll meetcha down there, well have lunch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well we could ... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, we'll get to know each other. We never get to spend any <b> </b> time together. Oh sure we have our little group here, but ... (he looks <b> </b> and gestures out towards George and Jerry, as Elaine walks back into <b> </b> the bedroom to change out of the dress -- Kramer scratches his head in <b> </b> sort of disbelief) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Daylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium, then to George Costanza's <b> </b><b> </b> office, he stands in front of a wall calendar, as Ade, his new secretary <b> </b> takes down notes as to what George is saying. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And then assuming the strike is resolved, on April 14th, we, ah, <b> </b> play the Angels. So let's clear a floor at the Anaheim Hotel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ADE </b> Anaheim Hotel. (George picks up a container of chinese food from <b> </b> the credenza) You may want to reconsider. I believe they only have <b> </b> room service until 10 P.M. and then it's only finger foods. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ade, you're a wonder. (he he -- george laughs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ADE </b> OK, now I projected some of those figures for you regarding the <b> </b> switch to Canola oil for the stadium popcorn and surprisingly it will <b> </b> only come to 1/2 a cent more per bag, so it is definitely doable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ade, I have to tell you, I, I have never met anybody so ... <b> </b> efficient. <b> </b><b> ADE </b> Well thank you, I'm flattered. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I mean you're just, you're just a marvel of organization. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ADE </b> Well I'm just, hm, doing my job. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's like I'm thinking of something, and you're (snaps fingers) <b> </b> one step ahead of me. <b> </b><b> ADE </b> What can I say? I'm ... I'm good at what I do. (smiling and <b> </b> quietly laughing proudly) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (coyly, he looks down and runs his finger along the top of the <b> </b> chair back in front of him) Do you, uh ... do you know what I'm <b> ... </b><b> </b> thinking about now? <b> </b><b> ADE </b> (thinking about the question, she stops writing) Yes, I think I <b> </b> do. (she turns her head slowly and looks directly at him) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is it, uh, doable? <b> </b><b> ADE </b> It's definitely doable. <b> </b> (Ade throws her note pad and pencil in to the air, along with her <b> </b> glasses. George grabs his glasses and takes them from his face and <b> </b> throws them on the couch as he and Ade embrace in a frantic kiss and <b> </b> slither down to the floor between the desk and the couch -- the camera <b> </b> cannot see them on the floor) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Outside a movie theater (The Paragon) Jerry and Elaine have exited the <b> </b> theater and are walking slowly and then stop to talk, as other movie <b> </b> goers leave the theater behind them - in the background, there is a line <b> </b> of people waiting to buy tickets for the next show. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that was the worst. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe they made the Wife the killer. (putting on <b> </b> gloves) Gimme a break. <b> </b><b> MAN </b> (waiting in line for tickets, he overhears Elaine) Hey, give us a <b> </b> break. We haven't seen it yet. Thanks a lot big mouth! <b> </b><b> ANOTHER MAN </b> (waiting in line, closer to the box office) Yeah! (in <b> </b> agreement with the other guy) <b> </b> (Kramer rushes up to Elaine and Jerry) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got a pen? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I think I do. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> And I need something to write on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, all I got is my dry-cleaning stub. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I gust met Uma Therman. She's giving me her telephone number. <b> </b> Uma Jerry, Uma. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uma Therman? Really? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How'd you manage that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah well I don't have any time to talk now. (he rushes back <b> </b> into the theater) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's got the Kavorca. (looking towards the theater door, Jerry <b> </b> notices one of the movie goers) Hey, isn't that Willie, my dry-cleaner? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He just went in. You know, I think he was wearing my <b> </b> Hounds-Tooth jacket. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What would he be doing wearing your jacket? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It looked just like the jacket I brought in to be dry-cleaned. <b> </b> He complimented me on it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Are you sure? <b> </b> (Kramer walks up, smiling gleefully) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I got it. Uma, Uma, Uma. (looking at the ticket) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You are amazing. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, all right. Taxi's on me. (he walks off camera) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior shot of Yankee Stadium at dusk and then to George Costanza's <b> </b><b> </b> office. (moaning) George and Ade are struggling to kneel and undress <b> </b> while kissing. <b> </b><b> ADE </b> Ah no no no no no. A better way to reach the bra would be to undo <b> </b> the jacket, then go around the back of the shirt. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ade you are incredible <b> </b> (as he unbuttons her jacket, they fall to the floor again -- the camera <b> </b> cannot see them between the desk and the couch -- we see over George's <b> </b> desk, keyboard, manila folders and then we see Ade's shoe in the air <b> </b> above the desk) <b> </b><b> ADE </b> Oh ...oh ...oh ... Here, I want to show you something. Hand me <b> </b> that pillow. <b> </b> (we see George's head and arm above the desk ridge, he grabs a pillow <b> </b> from the couch and hands it to Ade. Her arm pulls him back down to her <b> </b> on the ground) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? Oh, My God! <b> </b><b> ADE </b> Mr. CO STAN ZA! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ade, ahh, ahh, ah ... I'm giving you a raise! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior shot of the restaurant (Monks) then inside. George and Jerry <b> </b> are sitting in the normal booth. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're having sex and then all of a sudden, you just blurt out <b> </b> “I'm giving you a raise.” <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just a quick sidebar here -- are you in anyway authorized to give <b> </b> raises? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not that I'm aware of, no. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're so grateful to have sex, that you'll just shout out <b> </b> anything that comes into your head. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't think ahead. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well maybe she'll just think it was bawdy talk. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't say any other bawdy things. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe you could have sex with her again and then take it back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, you know you're not any help at all here. I don't <b> </b> know what even the point is of talking to you anymore. <b> </b> (they stand up from their seats at the booth) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, all right. I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, well, I guess the only thing I can do is go into George <b> </b> Steinbrenner's office and tell him he has to give her a raise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How long has she been there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 3 days. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's almost a week. <b> </b> (Jerry picks up several items of clothing from the booth, in their <b> </b> dry-cleaning bags -- He is wearing his Hounds-Tooth jacket. George and <b> </b> Jerry walk over to the cash register to pay for lunch. At the register, <b> </b> Jerry reaches into his Hounds-Tooth jacket pocket, he pulls out a movie <b> </b> stub) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, My god. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a movie stub from the 9:30 show. George, I think Willie the <b> </b> dry-cleaner has been wearing my clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Commercial <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior shot of Barney's department store, street scene with store <b> </b> windows. Then inside to Elaine, Kramer and the Barney's sales <b> </b><b> </b> associate -- they stand in the women's clothing dept. (Zelda is the name <b> </b> of the clothing line on the wall), outside of the dressing room area. <b> </b> Elaine is wearing the dress she plans on returning. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> These mirrors are skinny mirrors. This is false ... <b> </b> reflecting. And I think, that the department of ... you know, whatever, <b> </b> would be very interested to know what's going on here. <b> </b> something else. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> OK fine. (smiling) I did like that little Calvin Klein number <b> </b> right by the elevator. You know the little ... (motions in the <b> </b><b> </b> direction of the elevator) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ok thanks so much. (the Barney's sales associate turns and walks <b> </b> away. Elaine turns to Kramer as he admires himself in the mirror) What <b> </b> are you all dressed up for? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well Elaine, when you're shopping on Madison Avenue, you don't <b> </b> want to skip on the, swank. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I like your little bag. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Huh, oh hey, look at this. (he pulls a little tube out of the <b> </b> bag) It's the super hydrating, triple-action moisturizer, hmm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh. <b> </b> (Kramer opens the moisturizer and squeezes some onto his palm) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wait till that Uma smells this Uva. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine walks away into the dressing from area. Kenny Bania enters the <b> </b> clothing dept.) <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Hey Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey Bania, what's happening? (Kramer, looking into the mirror, <b> </b> is putting moisturizer under his eyes) <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> I'm looking for a new suit. I can't find anything I like. <b> </b> That's a nice suit. (admiring Kramer's suit) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, thank you. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Did you get that here? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, this is vintage. They don't make this stuff anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> You're telling me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I sure am. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> It's hard for me to find pants that <b> -- </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (interrupting Bania) That don't make you look high-waisted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Yes <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Me too. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> What size are you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, 42. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> 42, That's what I am now. I've been working out, I'm huge. <b> </b> How'd you like to sell it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> make me an offer. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> 100 Bucks <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Surely you jest. (walks away from Bania) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b><b> 175 </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look at the stitching (takes the jacket off to show Bania) This <b> </b> is old world craftsmanship. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> 300 dollars. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Sold. Follow me into the dressing room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> You throw the shirt in? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bania, you're killing me. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Hey that's the women's dressing room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There's nothing in there that I haven't seen before. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Daylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium (Louisville Slugger) then to <b> </b> George Steinbrenner's office. The camera is behind Steinbrenner, <b> </b><b> </b> looking towards the door. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Opens the door, looks in and then knocks 5 times) Mr. <b> </b> Steinbrenner, (waves) can I talk to you for a second? <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Yes yes George. Can you talk to me for a second? Of <b> </b> course you can -- I'm a very accessible man. I just wanted to say <b> </b> you're doing great work on that Canola oil stuff. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, you know, to be honest sir -- my, my new secretary Ade, <b> </b> came up with that one. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Ade, Ade, I like that name George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She supports her whole family. (walking slowly into the room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Is that a fact George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, In fact, her mother is in the hospital right now. It's <b> </b> some kind of a Diverticulitis. (he continues walking slowly towards <b> </b><b> </b> Steinbrenner's desk) <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> I had a bout of that myself one time -- knocked me right <b> </b> on my ass. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She can't even afford to go out to lunch. She's been eating in <b> </b> a high school cafeterias She pretends to be a teacher. It's pathetic. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> What's that cost her, like, two and a quarter? ($2.25) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know what I was just thinking -- she could really use a <b> </b> raise. <b> </b> (Telephone rings -- Steinbrenner reaches for the receiver) <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> You know, she'd be better off making a sandwich at home <b> </b> and bringing it in. (picks up the telephone hand set) Hello, ah, George <b> </b> will you excuse me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Daylight exterior shot of Barney's department store windows, with <b> </b> traffic driving by -- then to Elaine in the dressing room -- she is <b> </b> almost done dressing in the Calvin Klein dress. Kramer climbs up the wall of his dressing room adjacent to Elaine's <b> -- </b><b> </b> we see his head, top of his bare chest, arm and both hands over the top <b> </b> of Elaine's' dressing room wall -- he is looking down at her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Psst. Hey. <b> </b> (Elaine is startled and tries to cover her top, which is mostly covered <b> </b> from the dress she is putting on) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, what are you doing here? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Listen, I need you to get me some clothes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I just sold my suit to Bania for a cool three-hundred. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So go buy a new one. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, at this place? It would destroy my whole profit margin. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Listen do me a favor -- just call Jerry, tell him to bring me <b> </b> some clothes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ouhhh (Kramer disappears back behind his wall as Elaine opens <b> </b> the dressing room door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior shot of the Dry Cleaners store front, then to the interior <b> -- </b><b> </b> Jerry enters as a female customer is leaving the counter with her <b> </b> dry-cleaning . <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, Willie. <b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Hey, Jerry. You dropping off? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, but ah, seen any good movies lately? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> You came by to ask that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Specifically 9:30 shows. Seen any good 9:30 shows at the <b> </b> Paragon, Willie? <b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> What are you gettin at? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I saw you the other night stepping out with my Hounds-Tooth <b> </b> jacket. <b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Jerry that's a breach of the dry-cleaner's code. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You need a code to tell you not to wear peoples' clothes <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> I wasn't wearing your jacket. Jerry you're imagining things. <b> </b> (he makes the circular motion next to his ears - the international <b> </b><b> </b> symbol for “insane”) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeahhh, am I imagining this? (he whips out the movie stub and <b> </b> holds it up to Willie) Found this little cutie in the pocket. (throws <b> </b> the stub on the counter) <b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, Yeah. Well, now that we understand each other -- I'll be <b> </b> taking my business elsewhere. And I want my mother's fur coat back too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Jerry, come on. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now. <b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Now? (Willie looks off with his eyes to his left -- he is <b> </b> thinking about his wife Donna) <b> </b> (Shot of Donna wearing the fur coat, standing at a hot dog stand, eating <b> </b> a hot dog) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. I want that coat. (Jerry opens his wallet, looking for <b> </b> the dry-cleaning ticket) <b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Well ... ahh. (apprehensively) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where's that ticket? Oh, Kramer. <b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Wait, you, you mean to tell me you don't have a ticket for the <b> </b> coat? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, not on me. <b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Well, I, I need to see that ticket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? I've got my cleaning before without a ticket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WILLIE </b> Yeah, but this is different. Those fur storage warehouses are <b> </b> huge. You can't, get anything without a number. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, I'll be back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine inside Barney's, she stands in front of a full length mirror. <b> </b> The sales associate behind her, giving advice on the dress. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah it looks good here, but what does that mean? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know, I have to think about it. (the sales associate <b> </b> walks away) I need a nonpartisan mirror. <b> </b> (Elaine looks around, like she is trying not to be noticed and walks out <b> </b> of the clothing dept.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Daytime exterior of Yankee Stadium, then inside to George Costanza's <b> </b><b> </b> office. <b> </b><b> ADE </b> I can't thank you enough, Mr. Costanza. I'm so grateful <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, well, I sat down with Mr. Steinbrenner. I told him you <b> </b> have been doing great work. I said that you deserved a raise, and if <b> </b> you didn't get it, that I, was leaving. (motions with both arms in a <b> </b> circular motion to his right) <b> </b><b> ADE </b> It was just so generous. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, well, don't worry about it -- he's got plenty of money. <b> </b> (spins his chair away from her) <b> </b><b> ADE </b> Oh I know, but Twenty Five Thousand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (spins his chair back to face her) So you got a $25,000 a year <b> </b> raise. <b> </b><b> ADE </b> Yes, I tell you, Mr. Steinbrenner... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're making more than I am. <b> </b><b> ADE </b> I am? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you doing? You're making more than I am. A secretary <b> </b> cannot make more than her boss. <b> </b><b> ADE </b> Well apparently they can. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine, in the Calvin Klein dress, is walking outside along the <b> </b><b> </b> sidewalk, snow along the curb and store fronts -- It's obvious she is <b> </b> cold without a coat. She checks out her reflection in a florist's <b> </b><b> </b> window, then stops at the Love, Health &amp; Beauty Aids store, where the <b> </b> reflection is more like a mirror in the alcove of the store. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, this is insanity. I'm not this hippie. (meaning her hips <b> </b> are not that large) <b> </b> (a man exits the store) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, what do you think of this? <b> </b><b> MAN </b> (with disbelief): You'll never pull it off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Barney's Department store, inside the dressing room area, a customer <b> </b><b> </b> knocks on the door where Kramer is waiting for Jerry. <b> </b><b> FEMALE CUSTOMER </b> Hey, what's going on in there? <b> </b> (Jerry enters the women's clothing dept.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to the Barney's sales associate) Excuse me, could you tell me <b> </b> where I could find, like, women's moisturizer lotions? <b> </b> (Female customer walks up to the Barney's sales associate that Jerry was <b> </b> just talking to) <b> </b><b> FEMALE CUSTOMER </b> This woman has been in there for over an hour. <b> </b><b> </b> (The Barney's sales associate walks into the dressing room area and up <b> </b> to the dressing room door where Kramer is waiting for Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (Yeah) (through the door) <b> </b> (Jerry hears Kramer and walks into the dressing room door) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, Jerry, you got my clothes? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What clothes? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Didn't Elaine call you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well what are you doing here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What am I doing here? You're in the women's dressing room. I <b> </b> need that ticket stub back so I can get my mother's fur coat out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, the stub, yeah. I left it in my, my pants <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where are your pants? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I sold them to Bania. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? You sold your pants to Bania. Let me in. <b> </b><b> </b> (Kramer opens the door, Jerry goes in the dressing room. Kramer is <b> </b> standing there in his white boxer shorts and no shirt) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why'd you sell your pants to Bania? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ouhhh -- I had Uma Therman's number written on that stub. I <b> </b> lost Uma's number. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where are your clothes? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I told you I sold them to Bania. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mean what you were wearing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How'd you expect to get out of here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I didn't think ahead. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine reenters the Barney's clothing dept., rubbing her arms because <b> </b> he is cold. The sales associate is also coming back from the dressing <b> </b> rooms. Elaine sees her, and quickly stands next to the register counter <b> </b> and tries to act like she has been there for a while.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> This isn't going to work for me ... so if you could show me <b> </b> something else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I am? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ha! That's preposterous. <b> </b> snow in the store. <b> </b> (Elaine looks down and gathers the dress at the salt stain) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. You can wrap it. (Dejected. Elaine puts her head down and <b> </b> her hand to her forehead as she walks into the dressing room area) <b> </b> Kramer, are you still in there? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Elaine) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry? <b> </b> (Bania enters the dressing room area) <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Elaine, where's Kramer? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bania? <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Kramer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm going out. (he comes out of the dressing room, while Kramer <b> </b> remains inside) <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bania. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Kramer, I want my money back for this suit. You're nancy-boy <b> </b> cream leaked all over the pockets -- Suits ruined. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well you're not getting any money back. (Kramer opens the <b> </b> door) Jerry, come back in here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Bania) Excuse me. (he goes back in the dressing room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uma's number is on that ticket. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Never mind Uma, I need that ticket to get my mother's fur coat <b> </b> back. Why don't you just give him the money for the suit? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm not going to give him $300 now for a suit with moisturizer <b> </b> cream all over it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got an idea. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe I'm gonna do this. (Jerry opens the door and <b> </b> exits the dressing room. He walks over to Bania) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bania can I talk to you for a second? How's everything going? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Pretty good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, well, see the thing of it is, I'm in a bit of an awkward <b> </b> position here. Because, uhh, I don't want to get in between you two <b> </b> guys but ... I need a dry-cleaning ticket that's in the pocket of those <b> </b> pants. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Well all you gotta do is tell Kramer to give me my money back, <b> </b> and you'll get your ticket. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah all right, well uh ... tell you what I will do Bania <b> </b> -- you give me the ticket, and uh, I will take you out for a nice <b> </b> dinner. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Can we go back to Mendy's? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You want to go to Mendy's, I'll take you to Mendy's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Twice? I wanna go twice. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> all right let's be reasonable, Bania. I'm taking you out for a <b> </b> nice dinner. All I want is a little ticket in that pocket. I think <b> </b> it's a pretty good deal. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Two Mendy's. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> . . . All right (gritting teeth) Just give me the ticket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Here you go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ohh ... (takes the ticket and heads for the dressing room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Exterior of yankee Stadium (Louisville Slugger) then to George <b> </b><b> </b> Steinbrenner's office. George Costanza stands pleading his case. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But Mr. Steinbrenner, how can I be expected to perform my job <b> </b> properly, knowing that my uh, subordinate is making more money than I <b> </b> am? With all due respect sir, it's outta whack. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Uh huh, I understand what you're saying George and I know <b> </b> what it's like to be financially strapped. When I was a young man in <b> </b> Cleveland I use to hitchhike to work. One time I got picked up by a <b> </b> bakery truck. You think that stuff smells good? Try being cooped up in <b> </b> the back of one of those babies. <b> </b> (George starts to back away from the desk) <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> I couldn't look at a donut for the next two years. Well <b> </b> not that I was ever one for the sweets. <b> </b> (George turning around, nodding and making hand gestures, walking slowly <b> </b> towards the door, his hand gestures get progressively wider eventually <b> </b><b> </b> to full arms extended upwards) <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Sure I like a cup cake every now and then, like everybody <b> </b> else. You know I like it when they have a little cream on the inside, <b> </b> it's a surprise. That's good, plus the chocolate ones are good too. <b> </b> Sometimes I just can't even make up my mind. A lot of times I'll mix <b> </b> the two together, make a vanilla fudge. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry stands outside the Barney's dressing room door that Kramer is <b> </b> waiting in. Jerry quickly knocks on the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me in, it's me. (Kramer opens the door, Jerry goes in the <b> </b> dressing room) Here. You don't know what this is costing me. (hands <b> </b> Kramer the ticket) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (closes the door) All right, nice work. (he looks at the ticket, <b> </b> flips it over, and then over again) Where's Uma's number? The <b> </b><b> </b> moisturizer smudged out the phone number. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Takes the ticket back and looks at it, flips it over) The <b> </b> dry-cleaning numbers are gone too. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (grabs the ticket back and holds it up to the light) It must <b> </b> have been the botanical extracts. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (grabs the ticket back) Give me that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry Opens the door and walks into the clothing dept., while Bania is <b> </b> walking towards the exit of the clothing dept.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey Bania, the dinners off. The ticket's no good. The numbers <b> </b> are all smudged out. (holds out the ticket and hands it to Bania) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> (looking at the ticket then quickly looks up at Jerry) You trying <b> </b> to get out of Mendy's? you can't do that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The ticket is worthless. <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> You promised me. <b> </b> (Jerry makes a smudged up face -- he knows he cannot get out of the <b> </b> deal. Bania turns and walks quickly out of the clothing department. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry sees a woman from the back walking into the dressing room area. <b> </b> She has a fur coat on and is carrying a few items over her arm to try <b> </b> on) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Isn't that my mother's fur coat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine stands at the register counter, now she wears her own clothes. <b> </b> The Calvin Klein dress rests across the counter -- she watches as Jerry <b> </b> follows the woman into the dressing room area. Jerry stands in front of <b> </b> the door where she went into, listens for a half second and then pushes <b> </b> the door open, as she has not had an opportunity to latch it yet -- It <b> </b> is Donna, the dry-cleaners wife -- she is stunned, startled and taken <b> </b> aback ...) <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> No it's not. (the coat) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It is! (Jerry walks forcefully into the dressing room and closes <b> </b> the door) Give me that back. <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> No, what are you talking about. <b> </b> (The camera pans down to the bottom of the dressing room door, so all <b> </b> you see is Jerry and Donna's scuffling feet and lower legs, as Jerry <b> </b> takes the coat from her.) <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Are you out of your mind? Don't you ... take your hands ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't have that coat, it's not yours. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Donna opens the door -- the camera pans back up to eye level as she <b> </b> walks out, kind of indignant. She places her long purse strap over her <b> </b> Left shoulder) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you think the dry-cleaner's is your own personal closet! <b> </b><b> </b> (Donna walks over to where Elaine is still standing at the register <b> </b><b> </b> counter) <b> </b><b> CONTINUITY ERROR -- AS SHE WALKS UP TO ELAINE, DONNA IS NOW </b><b> HOLDING </b><b> </b> her long purse strap in her right hand only, then switches it to her <b> </b> left hand and puts the strap over her left shoulder. The purse hangs <b> </b> below her left hip. She just had placed the long purse strap over her <b> </b><b> SHOULDER AS SHE LEFT THE DRESSING ROOM AREA WALKING AWAY FROM </b><b> JERRY. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Donna, do you think you can get the salt stain out of this? <b> </b> (Holding the bottom of the Calvin Klein dress out) <b> </b><b> DONNA </b> Let me see. (Looking at the stain) Piece of cake. Bring it <b> </b> in. (Holding the dress up by the hanger) What size is it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Tilts her head down, looking over her glasses in amazement of <b> </b> Donna's question) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The camera fades from the previous scene to the winter sidewalk outside. <b> </b><b> </b> L-R Kramer, Elaine and Jerry walk silently in the cold. Above their <b> </b> heads in the background is a sign that reads “KalSigns” -- I believe <b> </b> this is an homage to Jerry's (real life) father that owned a sign <b> </b> company. <b> </b> Kramer is wearing Jerry's mother's fur coat. It is obviously too small <b> </b> for his large frame -- the arms are way too short. The coat comes down <b> </b> to his mid thigh. He has no pants on. He wears shoes and white socks. <b> </b> He looks ridiculous, uncomfortable and cold. <b> </b> Elaine is wearing a long winter overcoat, carrying her Calvin Klein <b> </b> dress in a garment bag over her left arm. Jerry has both hands in the <b> </b> pockets of his winter jacket he is wearing a scarf that he had on <b> </b> earlier in the store. <b> </b> Kramer looks around as he walks along. He tries to button or close up <b> </b> the coat to the best of his ability, but nothing changes. As the scene <b> </b> ends, the fur coat opens slightly at the bottom and you can see his <b> </b> white boxer shorts (actually they look like jockey shorts, but earlier <b> </b> he had on boxers in the dressing room) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The camera fades from the previous scene to an exterior shot of Mendy's <b> </b> Restaurant at dusk, then inside to Bania and Jerry dining at a table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Mmm. This soup is great. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it's very good. (reluctantly) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> I told you Mendy's had the best pea soup. The best Jerry, the <b> </b> best. Are you enjoying it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. I'm having a wonderful time. (it's obvious he isn't) <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Wait till you try the swordfish. You know Jerry, I was <b> </b> thinking. For our next meal, do you think we should come here ... or <b> </b> should we go someplace else? You know it has it's pros and cons. On the <b> </b> one hand, here, you're guaranteed a great meal. On the other hand -- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Interrupting Bania) Yeah, yeah I know. This would be good, but <b> </b> it would be the same. But if we go some place else, it would be <b> </b> different, but it might not be as good. It's a gamble. I get it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Yeah. Well, let's hurry up and eat I gotta get out of here. I'm <b> </b> meeting a woman for a drink. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, and who might that be? <b> </b><b> BANIA </b> Some woman named Uma. I got her number off of that ticket before <b> </b> it was smudged. Hope she's good-looking. (crosses his fingers in the <b> </b> air) <b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If you are a waitress and you ever see me in a restaurant, I'm telling you right now, I don't want to hear about the specials. I don't want to know about the specials. I'm sick of the specials. I hate the specials. My feeling is, if the specials were so special, they'd be on the menu. You know what's special about them? They don't know if anybody likes them. They always have these overly creative descriptions of the specials too, you know. The veil is lightly slapped, and then sequestered in a one-bedroom suite with a white wine intravenous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Secretary Script

1995-01-05

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SWITCH </b> Written by Bruce Kirschbaum &amp; Sam Kass <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Pro shop at Manhattan Plaza Racquet Club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on. Lets go <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No wait, I gotta go in here and pick up Mr. Pitt's tennis recquet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's it doin here? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He wanted to have it restrung. (to clerk) Here I need to pick that up <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> Hello <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Hi. <b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> Jocylin Landis from Doubleday. I interviewed you for a position <b> </b><b> </b> a couple of months ago. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, yes, the one I didn't get. (they giggle) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> I was watching you play <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I'm not very good. <b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> No. You exhibited a lot of grace out there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? Grace? <b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> Yes. So have you found anything yet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, no. Not really. <b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> You know you should keep in touch. Something may be opening <b> </b><b> </b> up in a few weeks. Is that a Bruline? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Bruline. Newman's got the same one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Newman plays tennis? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's fantastic. <b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> Would you mind if I tried this out? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, no ... take it. <b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> How will you get it back? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, I could come by your office and pick it up tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> That's so generous of you. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thanks <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You loaned her Pitt's racquet? <b> </b> E What could I do? She said there might be something for me at Doubleday. <b> </b><b> </b> Oh wouldn't that be great I wouldn't have to work for Mr. Pitt anymore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDY </b> I gotta get going. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, OK. Next time lets play ping pong. It's easier to jump over the net. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SANDY </b> (nods silently) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bye <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bye bye <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Have you noticed she never laughs <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hm, really? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah <b> </b> Kramer and George on street <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Check that out (showing newspaper) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Whoa, you're dating this woman? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> George, you're becoming one of the gliterratti <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ya' know, people who glitter. She's a slim gal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And the amazing thing is she eats like there's no tomorra'. <b> </b><b> </b> I mean I've never seen an appetite like this. Desserts. Everything. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I don't know how she does it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Maybe she's bulimic <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wa? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Bulimic, <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, she's a model. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Exactly <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have noticed she does tend to go to the bathroom right after <b> </b><b> </b> we finish eating. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There you go monkey boy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Pepperdella's Restaurant <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Mmm, Mmmm oh, so good, mmm, mmm. Aren't you hungry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just enjoying watching you. <b> </b> Other restaurant <b> </b><b> SANDY </b> So did you like the movie? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it was OK. Frankenstein didn't seem quite right to me. <b> </b><b> </b> I missed the sport jacket. <b> </b><b> SANDY </b> (nods silently) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not that it was that nice of a jacket. I mean it didn't fit him <b> </b><b> </b> that well. To me there's just something about a monster in a blazer. <b> </b><b> </b> It shows at least he's making an effort. <b> </b><b> SANDY </b> (nods silently) That's funny. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm glad you enjoyed it. <b> </b> Pepperdella's Restaurant <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Oh, I'm so full. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, full. I love to be full ... love to sit back, loosen the <b> </b><b> </b> old belt and digest away for hours. Let those enzymes do their work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> Will you excuse me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Where you going? <b> </b><b> NINA </b> I just need to freshen up. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're fresh (grabs her arm) You're very fresh. You seem <b> </b><b> </b> very fresh to me. You're very vital. I couldn't take you any fresher. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NINA </b> George I need to freshen., George, George, George ... <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's Apartment <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was unbelievable. You're right the jokes kept bouncing off her <b> </b><b> </b> like superman. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> See, what did I tell ya? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And even when she did like something, she doesn't laugh. She <b> </b><b> </b> says, "That's funny." ... That's funny! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oo, I better call that woman at Doubleday and see when I can <b> </b><b> </b> pick up Mr. Pitt's racquet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean how can I be with someone that doesn't laugh. It's like ... <b> </b><b> </b> well it's like something! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (on phone)Hello, yeah, hi. Uh, is Miss. Landis there please. <b> </b><b> </b> Wa? Oh, Gosh, ah ok, she'll be in later? OK, thank you. Uh. (to Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b> This guy said she hurt her arm playing tennis. ... Pretty bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George enters <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I heard a noise. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What noise? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, .. blah ... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What blah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> From the bathroom. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you think she was refunding? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Every time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating <b> </b><b> </b> she's runnin to the bathroom. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So you're concerned. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm payin' for those meals. <b> </b><b> </b> It's like throwing money down the toilet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In a manner of speaking. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me digest it. Let me get my money's worth. Y'know what <b> </b><b> </b> would be good is if there was someone else in the bathroom that could tell me. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Here's your scrubber back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, maybe I could bribe one of those women that hand out the <b> </b><b> </b> towels in the powder room. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A matron? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah <b> </b> Kramer nervously waves at to stop Jerry talking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> uh, well I can't help you there (weakly). <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wha? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Nothin' <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know a matron? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Me? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, now look, just leave me alone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, what is it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, don't, don't make me <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wha? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I can't, all right I can't ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ... My mother's a matron! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Babs? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, there, all right I said it there.. Ya' satisfied? Anything else you <b> </b><b> </b> want to know? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, Kramer, I need to know if Nina is refunding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, George, I can't help ya, all right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? Why not? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> let me go. let me go. Because I haven't talked to my mother in five <b> </b><b> </b> years. We just don't see eye to eye. I don't even want to get into my childhood. <b> </b><b> </b> I'm still carrying a lot of pain. A LOT of pain. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on, Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I can't I can't <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer you're going to have to face her some time <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (mumbles) b'd b'd <b> </b> Doubleday offices <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello (sees Landis) Oh, my goodness. What happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> I tore my umeral epicondilitist <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh <b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> My doctor said it might never fully heal. I may never play again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, you'll be playing ... <b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> If I can't play tennis I don't know what I'll do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> There are plenty of things you can do, there's chess and uh uh mah jong, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> You don't know how lucky you are to be healthy ... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ... and biking and .. <b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> What am I going to do? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> ... hiking ... <b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> (wimpers) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sees racquet) Could I ... <b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> If I can't play tennis I have no reason to live .. (cries) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sees racquet), You know it's not important I'm gonna, ok, well, you know. <b> </b><b> </b> Take care of that condolitis <b> </b> Restaurant Woman's Powder Room <b> </b> Kramer and George enter <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ma? <b> </b><b> BABS </b> Cosmo! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Cosmo? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why didn't you just ask her for it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I told you I couldn't. The woman was crying about how she might never <b> </b><b> </b> play tennis again <b> </b> Buzzer <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey di ho <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So when do you have to get the racquet back to Mr. Pitt? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> augh, he's got a big match tomorrow with Ethyl Kennedy <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He needs a three hundred-dollar Bruline to beat Ethyl Kennedy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> He'll only play with his racquet <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, why don't you wait 'til she's not there on her lunch hour and just <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> take it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's stealing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stealing? You loaned her the racquet! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I know. <b> </b> George enters <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey oh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> JERRY: Hey <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what happened with Kramer's mother? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> where Babs works. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's she like? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, she's a Kramer. And uh, while I was there I uh happened to pick up <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> another juicy little nugget about our friend. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, I'm ready what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I uh got the first name. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You found out Kramer's first name? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's right. You ready? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We've been trying to get it out of him for ten years. What is it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Cosmo <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> JERRY: Cosmo? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Cosmo <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> JERRY: Cosmo <b> </b> - all laugh - <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Cosmo, Cosmo? <b> </b> Kramer enters <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's so funny? ... wha? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b><b> COSMO? </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, OK So you the name now. The cat is .a a a .. out of the bag. <b> </b><b> </b> J; Well I got to hand it to you. You did a hell of a job keeping it a secret all these <b> </b><b> </b> years. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's not such a bad name. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well you know all my life I've been running away from that name. <b> </b><b> </b> That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about it. All this time <b> </b><b> </b> I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b> I'm Cosmo Kramer. And that's who I'm going to be. From now on that's who <b> </b><b> </b> I'm going to be. I'm Cosmo! <b> </b> X's apartment <b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, is Sandy here? <b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Hi, you must be Jerry. Sandy's in the shower. Do you want to come in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I would except I forgot to bring a towel. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> (laughs nicely) <b> </b> Monks <b> </b> {Jerry starts.} <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So the roommate laughed at everything I said. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wow. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It was a great sounding laugh too, kind of lilting and feminine--none of <b> </b><b> </b> those big coarse "ha's." You know those? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh yeah: HA-A-A, HA-A-A. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hate the big coarse "ha." Hate those. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And the worst part of course is that she also possessed many of the <b> </b><b> </b> other qualities prized by the Superficial Man. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I see. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So as you can see, I've got a bit of a problem here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, if I hear you correctly--and I think that I do--my advice to you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> is to finish your meal, pay your check, leave here, and never mention <b> </b><b> </b> this to anyone again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can't be done, huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The Switch? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "The Switch." <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can't be done. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I wonder. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you <b> </b><b> </b> could get locked up for even suggesting it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and <b> </b><b> </b> 1200--somewhere--there were two women living together. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The point is I intend to undertake this. And I'll do it with or without <b> </b><b> </b> you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's <b> </b><b> </b> get it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get on <b> </b><b> </b> board and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, dammit, I'm in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I couldn't do it without you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. Let's get to work. <b> </b> {Now here's the boys' second conversation on the subject, after we've <b> </b><b> </b> seen them struggling with the issue over coffee, wandering the sidewalks <b> </b><b> </b> of NYC-- all to 40's-style movie music--before continuing their <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> discussion in Jerry's apartment. George begins this time.} <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. That's enough for today. You're tired. Get some sleep. I'll see <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you first thing in the morning. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aw, we can't do it, who are we kidding? It's impossible! It's true! You <b> </b><b> </b> can't do the Switch! Nobody can do the Switch! It was a stupid idea to <b> </b><b> </b> begin with! Let's face it. I'm stuck with the non-laugher and that's <b> </b><b> </b> that! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We'll come up with something. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, sure we will. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. See you tomorrow. {George sighs, exits.} <b> </b><b> </b> {Pregnant pause, then George bursts back in.} <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I-I-I-I-I got it!!!!! <b> </b> {Commercial, then "third scene,"The boys are finishing pizza and beer. <b> </b><b> </b> George begins here, slowly, carefully, to make sure Jerry's got it. (Be <b> </b><b> </b> sure to keep in mind the descriptions' hilarious visual enactments.)} <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right. Let's go over it again, one more time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right. So I tell Sandy that I want to have a ménage à trois with her <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> and her roommate. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And you believe this course of action will have a two-pronged effect. <b> </b><b> </b> Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil in <b> </b><b> </b> disgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from the <b> </b><b> </b> premises. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Keep going. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> At this point, it is inevitable that she will seek out the roommate to <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Continue. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The roommate will then offer her friend the requisite sympathy even as <b> </b><b> </b> part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion in <b> </b><b> </b> the unusual request. <b> </b> {George takes over.} <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A few days go by and a call is placed at a time when Sandy is known to <b> </b><b> </b> be busy at work. Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with a little <b> </b><b> </b> playful humor, which she (Laura) of course cannot resist, an invitation <b> </b><b> </b> to a friendly dinner is proffered. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Huh. Well, it all sounds pretty good. There's only one flaw in it: <b> </b><b> </b> They're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandy's back. <b> </b><b> </b> She's not gonna do that. <b> </b> {Another pregnant pause. George?} <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You disappoint me, my friend. Sandy wants nothing to do with you. She <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> tells Laura, "If you want to waste your time with that pervert, that's <b> </b><b> </b> your problem." <b> </b> {Final pause. Jerry?} <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a perfect plan. So inspired. So devious. Yet so simple. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> {George, finger in the peanut butter jar}: This is what I do. <b> </b><b> </b> Doubleday <b> </b> Elaine surreptitiously enters office and takes racquet. <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Can I help you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, no, I'm OK. <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Well then what are you doing with that racquet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, it's mine. Miss. Landis borrowed it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Well, I'm sorry you can't take that, no no no.. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no no, I can. I can. It's mine. It's my racquet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Look sweetheart I don't know who you are. I don't know what you're doing <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> here. But... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right. I'm going I'm going <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Not with ... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Give it give it .. <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> Leave ... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> All right all right forget it. You don't have to mention any of this to <b> </b><b> </b> Miss. Landis do you? <b> </b><b> KEITH </b> I don't have to but I will. <b> </b> Street <b> </b> Babs and Kramer <b> </b><b> CLOTWORTHY </b> Morning Cosmo <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi Mr. Clotworthy <b> </b><b> CLOTWORTHY </b> How are you today? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah couldn't be better. Hi Lorraine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> Hi Cosmo <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> My mom Babs. <b> </b><b> LANDIS </b> Hi Mrs. Kramer <b> </b><b> BABS </b> Lorraine <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, It's a fine day <b> </b><b> UNSEEN </b> (Larry David's voice) What do you say Cosmo? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, everything my man. <b> </b> Sandy's apartment <b> </b><b> SANDY </b> What: <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, I don't know the exact pronunciation but I believe its <b> </b><b> </b> Manage A Trois. <b> </b><b> SANDY </b> Oooo, that is a wild idea <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh? <b> </b> Monks <b> </b> Kramer and Babs <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You ma, know I've been thinking. I want you to quit that matron job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABS </b> Yes, well isn't that just easy for you to say. What the hell do you think <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I'm going to do with myself? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well maybe we could go into business together. If you're clean? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABS </b> I've been clean for two years. Anyway what would we do together? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I've got plenty of ideas. <b> </b><b> BABS </b> I've always believed in you Cosmo. You know that. So I want you to <b> </b><b> </b> call that place today and tell then tha you're through. <b> </b><b> BABS </b> All right. I'll do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Restaurant <b> </b> George and Nina <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Mmmm mm so good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ... so glad. <b> </b><b> NINA </b> Will you excuse me I've got to freshen up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And why shouldn't you? Be fresh Stay fresh <b> </b><b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> I'll be back. I'm not feeling very well. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Care to see our dessert menu? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, yeah. Do you know Babs? <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Oh, yeah I was sorry to hear she left. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Babs left? <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> She quit today. <b> </b> George runs to bathroom and hears retching sounds. <b> </b> George enters woman's bathroom <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah Ha. <b> </b><b> NINA </b> What are you doing here George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I was just wondering what it was you wanted for dessert. <b> </b><b> </b> Nina leaves - woman exits stall <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How 'ya feelin'? <b> </b> Street <b> </b> Newman and Babs <b> </b><b> BABS </b> Hi Newman <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hi Babs <b> </b><b> BABS </b> What are you doin' <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Minding my own business. <b> </b><b> BABS </b> You'll never get into trouble that way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What makes you think I'm lookin' for trouble? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BABS </b> From what I hear you postmen don't have to look too far. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> ha ha ha Well you know sometimes it just has a way of <b> </b><b> </b> finding you. Cigarette? <b> </b><b> BABS </b> Don't mind if I do. <b> </b> Jerry's Apoartment <b> </b> George knocking on Kramer's door yelling Kramer... <b> </b> Jerry opens his door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey <b> </b> George enters <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What happened to Babs. She never showed up last night. <b> </b><b> </b> The whole thing blew up in my face. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, that's a shame. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, what happened with Sandy. I forgot all about it. <b> </b><b> </b> Did you call her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I did. In fact I went over there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what happened? She throw you out? Eh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No actually, she took it pretty well. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what happened? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She's into it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Into what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The manage. And not only that. She just called me and said <b> </b><b> </b> she talked to the roommate and the roomate's into the manage too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's unbelievable. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it's a scene man. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that <b> </b><b> </b> you know me and have access to my dementia? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin <b> </b><b> </b> to do it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't. I'm not an orgy guy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes <b> </b><b> </b> everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to <b> </b><b> </b> grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new <b> </b><b> </b> bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. <b> </b><b> </b> I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. <b> </b> ... Naw, I'm not ready for it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If only something like that could happen to me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I know. <b> </b> Elaine enters <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, what happened? Did you get your racquet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I got caught. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you mean you got caught? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Her assistant caught me. And now I'm probably not going to get a job. <b> </b><b> </b> He's going to tell Landis that I was sneakin around her office. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I still don't understand how you can get in trouble for taking your own <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> racquet. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Meanwhile Mr. Pitt's got this match with Ethyl Kennedy this afternoon. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Cosmo. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi Cosmo <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Thanks man. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, doesn't Newman have a Bruline racquet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, Yeah, yeah, but he's on vacation. Went to Baltimore. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hum, but you've got the key to his place right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well Elaine needs to borrow his racquet. Just for today. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right all right. Come on I'll take you over to Newman's <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, Cosmo what happened to your mother last night. She hung me <b> </b><b> </b> out to dry. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> She quit. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It would have been nice if someone told me about it. I just think you <b> </b><b> </b> could have said something. That's all. <b> </b> Trying to enter newman's apartment <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Don't talk to me George, talk to her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well where is she? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I don't know. <b> </b> They enter Newman's apartment - Babs and Newman on the couch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ma! <b> </b><b> BABS </b> Cosmo! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> We din, we didn't ... ... Cosmo? <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Switch Script

1995-01-19

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE LABEL MAKER </b> Written by Alec Berg &amp; Jeff Schaffer <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> Loyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify. Because the players <b> </b> are always changing, the team can move to another city, you're actually rooting <b> </b> for the clothes when you get right down to it. You know what I mean, you are <b> </b> standing and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the clothes from <b> </b> another city. Fans will be so in love with a player but if he goes to another <b> </b> team, they boo him. This is the same human being in a different shirt, they <b> </b> *hate* him now. Boo! different shirt!! Boo. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are at a hot dog vendor's cart. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You sure you don't want the tickets? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No thanks. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't believe I'm having trouble getting rid of Super Bowl tickets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm telling you, skip the Drake's wedding, go to the game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't, the Drake put me in the wedding party. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well who schedules his wedding on Super Bowl Sunday? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe he didn't know? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Lemme see. I can't believe you got these for free. (Looking at the <b> </b> tickets) Row F?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Row F, in front of the Gs, hobnobbing with the Ds and Es. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Howbout Kramer or Elaine, they don't want them? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I asked. Elaine laughed at me, Kramer's only interested in Canadian <b> </b> football. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wish I could help you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on, take them. You could take Bonnie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You paying my hotel and airfare to Miami? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you think? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So in order to use these, I gotta spend like fifteen-hundred bucks. <b> </b> This is a bill for fifteen-hundred dollars. Plus, she'd ask about the sleeping <b> </b> arrangements, that whole sleeping arrangement conversation is depressing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, sleeping arrangements. So, you haven't, uh... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, no no no, I haven't even seen her apartment yet. Tomorrow night's <b> </b> the first night. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Aah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, is that Tim Whatley? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Dentist? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, is he still mad at you for crashing his Thanksgiving party? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no. I explained the whole thing to him, he was fine with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I blamed it on you. Hi Tim. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Hey Jerry! George. What are you up to? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, just a couple of gals out on the town, shopping and gabbing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm getting a makeover. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. How would you like to go to the Super Bowl? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> What, are you kidding? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Here. Two tickets. Have a good time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> How can I think you? I'll tell you what, I'll take you to dinner <b> </b> sometime. You ever been to Mendys? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No no no. No dinner. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tim, you didn't have to get me a thank you gift. I know, it's a label <b> </b> maker. The Label Baby Junior. Yeah, I hear they're good. Well, label me <b> </b> thankful. Okay, well you enjoy those tickets. Buh-bye. <b> </b> Jerry hangs up, there's a pounding on the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come in. <b> </b> More pounding. Jerry opens the door and Kramer backs in carrying a board game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Where can I put this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's Risk, Jerry. The game of world conquest. (brushing newspapers off <b> </b><b> </b> the table with his foot and setting the game board down) Alright, that's <b> </b> perfect. <b> </b> Newman walks in. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Kramer, why do you have to (noticing Newman) Hello, Newman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello, Jerry. Will he take it? I gotta go to work. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Take what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The board, Jerry. We've been playing at Newman's for six hours but <b> </b> he's gotta go. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So why don't you leave it at Newman's? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I wanted to, he won't let me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> We have to put the board in a neutral place where no one will tamper <b> </b> with it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So that's here? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yes, yes. You're like Switzerland. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't wanna be Switzerland. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in a epic struggle for world <b> </b> domination. It's winner take all. People cannot be trusted. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Don't look at me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I'm looking right at you, big daddy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, soldier boys, let's fall out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Alright, so you're gonna look after it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Stay strong buddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Watch it good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ok. <b> </b> Kramer leaves, Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey. Oh, is that a label maker? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes it is. I got it as a gift, it's a Label Baby Junior. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Love the Label Baby, baby. You know those things make great gifts, I <b> </b> just got one of those for Tim Whatley for Christmas. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tim Whatley? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Who sent you that one? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> One Tim Whatley! <b> </b> Elaine. No, my Tim Whatley? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The same, he sent it as a thank you for my Super Bowl tickets. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think this is the same one I gave him. He recycled this gift. He's <b> </b><b> </b> a regifter! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Or maybe he liked your gift so much, he decided to get me the same <b> </b> thing. Perhaps it's an homage. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, perhaps. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well how did he react when you gave it to him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um, he said, "Oh. A label maker. Howbout that?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He repeated the name of the gift? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, so? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, well, if you repeat the name of the gift, you can't possibly like <b> </b><b> </b> it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you know, like when someone opens something up and they go, "Oh. <b> </b> Tube socks." What are you gonna do about it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know, I guess I'll just get invited up to his apartment and see <b> </b><b> </b> if he's got a label maker. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why'd you get him a gift anyway? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, he did some dental work for me and he didn't charge me so I thought <b> </b> I'd get him a Christmas present. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, well, if you're getting him anything for his birthday, I'm a <b> </b> large. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and his girlfriend, Bonnie, are entering her apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> Well, here we are. This is the place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wow. <b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> Do you like it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I love it! This is fantastic! Look at this couch, is this velvet?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> Are you a velvet fan? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A fan? I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable. <b> </b> And look at this, hardwood floors! <b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> Aren't they great? (sees a man enter from the bedroom) Oh, Scott, hi. <b> </b><b> </b> This is George. George, this is Scott, my roommate. <b> </b> Scott walks into the kitchen. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Heh heh. <b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> Here, check out this view. If you lean out this window, you can see <b> </b> the river. <b> </b> Scott returns from the kitchen eating an apple, and heads back to the bedroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So Scott's your roommate, huh? <b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> Yes. Oh, I'm sure I've mentioned him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, you didn't mention it. <b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> He's a great guy, you'll really like him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm sure I will. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Jerry are at the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Male roommate, huh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes. A male roommate. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is this a problem? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's a huge problem, Jerry. The hardest part about having sex with a <b> </b> woman is getting her to come back to your place! He's already got that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, maybe he's -- <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. Believe me, he's not. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So he's an eligible receiver. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She's confiding in him about our dates. You always like the person you <b> </b> talk to about the date more than the date! It's just a matter of time till they <b> </b> realize, 'Hey, we could have sex.' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's stopping them? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Exactly! You know how they get animals to reproduce in captivity? <b> </b> They just put them in the same cage. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What does he look like? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, that's the worst part of it. He looks just like me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He looks like you and he's working from the inside? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I look like me and I'm working from the outside. Who do you think is <b> </b><b> </b> in the better position? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Not you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ho ho. This bizarre ?harrod? experiment must end! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We'll take a check please. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I gotta find a way to work this out, I love that apartment. It's so <b> </b> cozy, I'm ensconced in velvet. You know, if it were socially acceptable-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, you would drape yourself in velvet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've said that before? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Many times. You love velvet, you want to live in velvet, everything <b> </b> with the velvet. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Guess what? I saw Newman talking to the super. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The super has keys to your apartment. Don't you see what's going on? <b> </b> Newman is planning a sneak attack. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, maybe he's got no hot water. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, alright, fine. You sit there and you watch while Newman takes <b> </b> over the world. But he'd be a horrible leader. And you know who's gonna <b> </b> suffer? The little people; you and George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you through? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. I talked to Arthur Jobanian. Yeah, the Drake's wedding? That's <b> </b> off. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The wedding is off? What happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The Drake, he found out that the wedding is on the same day as the <b> </b> Super Bowl. So he wanted to postpone it, they got in a big argument and *phlf* <b> </b> it's over. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The wedding is off. Now you can go to the Super Bowl. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't call Tim Whatley and ask for the tickets back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You just gave them to him two days ago, he's gotta give you a grace <b> </b> period. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you even vaguely familiar with the concept of giving? There's no <b> </b> grace period. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, didn't he regift the label maker? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Possibly. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, if he can regift, why can't you degift? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You may have a point. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have a point, I have a point. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I'll call him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. What's that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it's Risk, it's a game of world domination being played by two guys <b> </b><b> </b> who can barely run their own lives. (Picks up phone and dials) Hello Tim? <b> </b> Yeah, hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld, remember those tickets I gave you? Well it turns <b> </b> out I can use them. Oh, you do? I understand. Okay. Bye. He already made <b> </b> plans, he can't change them. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well they're his tickets, he can do what he wants <b> </b> with them. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, I gotta go. I'm heading over to Bonnie's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you gonna do about the roommate? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I gotta try and find a way to switch places with him. It's like a <b> </b> Sigfried and Roy trick. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, the pickle breath is a good start. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George leaves, Newman enters, or would except Jerry tries slamming the door on <b> </b> him. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello Jerry, may I come in? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you want? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Nothing, just being neighborly. Do you wanna hang out? Shoot the breeze? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not letting you cheat, Newman. You're not getting anywhere near <b> </b> that board. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Jerry? I'm a little insulted. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're not a little anything, Newman. So just pack it up and move it <b> </b> out of here. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Oh, by the way, what are you doing for the Super Bowl? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno, watch it on TV I guess. Why? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Well if you watch closely enough, you just might see me. I'll be the <b> </b> one waving to the camera from my seat on the forty yard line. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're going to the Super Bowl? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yes I am, a guy on my mail route just got a couple of tickets and he <b> </b> offered one to me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's his name? <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Tim Whatley. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's my ticket! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Is it?! Ohhh, well if only you'd known, you could have saved some time <b> </b> and given it directly to me! Ha ha ha. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Newman! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Bonnie are at Bonnie's <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What a movie. Good choice. <b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> Thank Scott. He recommended it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, Scott, Scott. He's really great, isn't he? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> Yes he is. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes he is. Let me ask you something. When you come out of the shower <b> </b> and you put your robe on, do you cinch it real tight, are you concerned about <b> </b> that? <b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Do you hold the neck together with one hand, or are you just letting it <b> </b> flap in the breeze? <b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> George, you're being ridiculous. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's the massage situation? <b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> What do you mean? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Is there any work being done? Is there any rubbing, touching, finger <b> </b> manipulation on the other person, and if so, who's making the request? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> George, would you just stop? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Say you go to the bathroom at two o'clock in the morning, what's the <b> </b> outfit? I mean, you dressing up or is it come as you are? <b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> George, what is wrong with you? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll tell you what's wrong, a grown woman with a male roommate! It's <b> </b><b> </b> unnatural, it's an abomination! <b> </b> Scott enters. <b> </b><b> SCOTT </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> SCOTT </b> How ya going? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm good. <b> </b><b> SCOTT </b> Are you gonna need the bathroom? 'Cause I'm gonna jump in <b> </b> the shower. <b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> No, just throw my bras out of the way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Tim Whatley are walking together on the street. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Well, this is my building. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes it is. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> This was fun, you know? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> So, I'll call. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Aren't you gonna invite me upstairs? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Upstairs? You wanna go upstairs? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I would love to go upstairs. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Elaine, you are something else. No one can ever put a label on you, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We'll see. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are at their booth in the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Newman. He's going with Newman. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How does Tim Whatley even know Newman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Newman's his mailman. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Who goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who goes *anywhere* with Newman?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, he's merry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He is merry, I'll give him that. (notices a cactus on the table) <b> </b> What's this plant for? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I had a little tiff with Bonnie about the roommate. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, well the cactus will smooth things over. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, guess what? I'm going to the Super Bowl with Tim Whatley. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> We went out for coffee last night and he offered me a ticket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What about the label maker? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, well. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a minute, that's my ticket! You didn't even want to go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It was totally out of the blue. We went upstairs to his apartment, you <b> </b><b> </b> know, to look for the label maker. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, how did you get up there? Did you say you had to use the bathroom? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Then how'd you get up there? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I said, "Do you wanna go upstairs?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And there's you ticket. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's why you're going to the Super Bowl. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You go out with a guy one time, you ask him to go upstairs like you're <b> </b><b> </b> Mae West? Of course he's gonna try and get you alone for the weekend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You mean just because I asked him to go upstairs, he thinks he's going <b> </b><b> </b> downtown? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Obviously. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're crazy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, what happened when you got upstairs? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> As soon as we walked in, he got a call from one of his patients with an <b> </b> impacted molar or something so he had to leave. I didn't even get a chance to <b> </b> look for the label maker. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, well I don't trust this guy. I think he regifted, he degifted, <b> </b><b> </b> and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is in the hallway approaching his apartment door. Kramer walks out of his <b> </b> apartment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. What are you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm watching your door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> My door? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, from my peephole. Fisheye, sees all. <b> </b><b> </b> Cut to the interior of Jerry's apartment. Newman sneaks out from the bedroom <b> </b> towards the table where the Risk board is sitting. He accidentally knocks some <b> </b> CDs off the shelving unit, making a lot of noise. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What was that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Newman! <b> </b> Jerry begins opening the door, Newman does not have enough time to change the <b> </b> board pieces. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Damn! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The bedroom! <b> </b> Jerry runs to the bedroom, catching a glimpse of Newman climbing out the open <b> </b> window and up the fire escape. Jerry and Kramer rush to the window. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I see you, Newman! I see you! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm taking the Congo as a penalty! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine and Tim Whatley are sharing a cab. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've got a confession to make. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Oh? What's that? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've got Super Bowl fever. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Oh yeah, me too. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So where are we staying? <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Oh, the Ambassador. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh. Big room? <b> </b><b> TIM </b> It's a regular room, but it's right downtown. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Downtown? <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Right downtown. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do they have there, a couple of beds? <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Why? You bringing someone else? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, but don't you think there should be two beds? There's two of us. <b> </b><b> </b> Tim's grin disappears. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George enters Bonnie's apartment. <b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> Oh, a cactus. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They don't need any water, so you don't have to keep taking them to the <b> </b> bathroom. <b> </b> They share a laugh. Scott enters from the back holding a cardboard box. He <b> </b> places it on a stack of similar boxes. <b> </b><b> SCOTT </b> Well, look who's here. <b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> I asked Scott to move out. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. Oh! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment. Kramer and Newman are seated at the <b> </b> Risk board on the living room table. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So she kicked him out of the apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's right. It's just me and her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow, she rearranged her whole life for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I guess she did. He's gone, now I'm the man. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's not a good role for you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, it's not. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You unwittingly made a major commitment. That's a lot of pressure. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh my god. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You wanted to be ensconced in velvet, you're buried. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I had the perfect situation here, he was shouldering half the load. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He was shouldering. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I couldn't leave well enough alone?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where are you going? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I gotta go help her tape up all his boxes and get them ready for <b> </b> shipping. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, well here. Take Whatley's label maker, I don't want to see it <b> </b> again. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thanks. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. I am taking over South America and there <b> </b> ain't nothing you can do about it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, too bad about that Super Bowl ticket, eh Newman? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Yeah. I just hope Tim Whatley's electric bills don't suddenly get lost <b> </b> in the mail, or it could be lights out for him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks for having me over, guys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George are out on the street, Tim Whatley comes running up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, I'll see you later. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Hey Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, Tim Whatley. Out scalping? <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Ah, see, now I've been thinking a lot about what happened and I feel <b> </b> horrible. Listen, I want to give you a ticket back. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Are you serious, what about Elaine? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Oh, Elaine. Yeah, well, things just didn't work out like I thought they <b> </b><b> </b> would. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. (notices a car being jacked up by a tow truck) Hey, isn't this <b> </b> Kramer's car? (yelling up) Hey, Cosmo!! They're towing your car!! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What?! Not my car!! Hey!! They're towing my <b> </b> car!! <b> </b> Kramer runs out the door, leaving Newman alone with the Risk board, but only for <b> </b> a moment. He runs back in and grabs the board. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> What are you doing? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I'm taking the board with me. <b> </b> Kramer runs out carrying the board, Newman follows a moment later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Back on the street, Kramer's car is jacked up and the driver is just taking off. <b> </b> Kramer comes running after it, yelling at the driver and balancing the game <b> </b> board with Newman at his heels. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> So, I guess I'll see you at the game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, see you there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George walks into Bonnie's apartment, *everything* is boxed up and Bonnie is <b> </b> taping up the last of the boxes. He knocks to get her attention. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> Hi, George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What, what happened? Where's, where's all the stuff? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> It's gone. It was all his. Is this a label maker? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The table, the stereo, the VCR, the velvet couch, where's the velvet? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> They were his. Besides, we don't need any of those things. We have <b> </b> each other. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer and Newman are on a subway car, the Risk board sits on their laps. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Are you sure you know where the impound yard is? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, stop stalling. Come on. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I can't think, there's all this noise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Or is it because I've built a stronghold around Greenland? I've driven <b> </b> you out of Western Europe and I've left you teetering on the brink of complete <b> </b> annihilation. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I'm not beaten yet. I still have armies in the Ukraine. <b> </b><b> </b> This comment perks up the ears of what appears to be a Russian immigrant. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ha ha, the Ukraine. Do you know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting <b> </b> duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's <b> </b> time to put the hurt on the Ukraine. <b> </b><b> UKRAINIAN </b> I come from Ukraine. You not say Ukraine weak. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well we're playing a game here, pal. <b> </b><b> </b><b> UKRAINIAN </b> Ukraine is game to you?! Howbout I take your little board and smash <b> </b> it!! <b> </b> The Ukrainian pounds the game board, destroying it and sending army pieces <b> </b> flying. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Tim Whatley approaches his building, Elaine is waiting at the door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello, Tim. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Elaine, hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Don't worry, Tim. I didn't come by to yell at you, I didn't come by <b> </b> for that at all. I just came by to pick up my label maker. I gave you a label <b> </b> maker and now I would like to have it back. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> But you gave it to me. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> But you gave me a ticket to the Super Bowl. Hand it over, Whatley. <b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Uh, ok. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You don't have the label maker, do you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> TIM </b> Uh, no. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I knew it! You're a regifter! <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Oh, yeah, some gift. That thing didn't work at all. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> TIM </b> You put a label on something, then ten minutes later it would peel right <b> </b><b> </b> off. It was the worst gift I ever got. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I bought it for you because you were so nice to <b> </b> me for not charging me for the dental work. The way you worked on my filling, <b> </b> you were so, so gentle and so caring and so sensitive. <b> </b><b> TIM </b> Oh, Elaine! <b> </b> They embrace passionately. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> First the exterior, then the interior of a mail truck. Boxes are being jostled. <b> </b> A close-up of a box labeled with "Scott Thomas" and a street address is shown. <b> </b> The labels fall off the box, one by one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> First the exterior, then the interior of a football stadium. Jerry is walking <b> </b> down the aisle. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> H... G... F. Seat four. One, two, three... f-- Hello Newman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Hello, Jerry. Tim couldn't make it, he's in love. Isn't that <b> </b> wonderful? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, it's enchanting. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George is bringing a portable TV to Bonnie's so they can watch the game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Here's the TV. I know you wanted to watch the Super Bowl. Do you at <b> </b> least have some towels we could sit on? It's, like, a four hour game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> George, Scott's gonna drop by. He said he never got his boxes. I'll <b> </b> get the towels. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How am I gonna get out of this? Think Costanza, think! <b> </b><b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> Here we are. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, do you know, Bonnie, I just had a pretty wild idea. <b> </b><b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> What is it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I, uh, I'm not sure how you pronounce it or anything, but I, uh, I <b> </b> believe it's Ménage à Trois? <b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> What? <b> </b> Just then, Scott enters. <b> </b><b> SCOTT </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> BONNIE </b> Scott! Remember what we talked about the other day? George is into <b> </b> it. <b> </b><b> SCOTT </b> Oh really?! <b> </b> Scott walks towards George, the camera moves in on a close-up of an increasingly <b> </b> horrified George, and freezes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Newman are at the Super Bowl. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> Great streak of luck I'm having. First, Kramer almost beat me at Risk <b> </b> but I narrowly escaped, and then Tim Whatley gives me his Super Bowl ticket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can you move over at all?! <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> And then, just as I'm about to go, these boxes show up at the post <b> </b> office with no labels. No labels, Jerry. You know what that means? Freebies!! <b> </b> I got this great mini-TV and a VCR, oh it's unbelievable. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> An inch! Can you move over an inch?!? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Label Maker Script

1994-12-15

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE RACE </b> Written by Tom Gammill, Max Pross &amp; Larry David <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b> The Christmas tree certainly seems to inspire a love/hate relationship. All that time is spent selecting it and decorating it, and then a week after it's just thrown somewhere, you see it by the side of the road, it looks like a mob hit. A car slows down, a door opens and this tree just rolls out. People snap out of that Christmas spirit like it was a drunken stupor, they just wake up one morning and go, "Oh my god, there's a tree inside the house! Just throw it anywhere! <b> </b><b> </b> (Lois's office) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ready to go Lois? <b> </b><b> LOIS </b> You really like to say my name? Don't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Excuse me Lois. Stand back Lois. Jimmy's in trouble Lois. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOIS </b> Oh, Mr. Meyers this is my friend, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DUNCAN </b> Jerry Seinfeld! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Duncan Meyers! <b> </b><b> LOIS </b> You two know each other? <b> </b><b> DUNCAN </b> Yeah! We uh, went to High School together. Didn't we <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry? Gee I hope you're not leaving now. We still have a lot of work left to do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOIS </b> Would you be able to come all the way downtown again in rush <b> </b><b> </b> hour to pick me up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I'd have to be Superman to do that Lois. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no This is all wrong. Where's the Chicken Cashew? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEW </b> You no order Chicken Cashew. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I didn't order any of this. I'm not paying for this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEW </b> Fine Benes. We are putting you on our list. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What list? <b> </b><b> LEW </b> The "do not deliver" list. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU! Well, I guess we'll just go out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. What are you doing with the Daily Worker? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ned must have left it here. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Your boyfriend reads the Daily Worker? What is he? A <b> </b><b> </b> communist? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> HE reads everything, you know, Ned's very well read. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe he's just "very well RED"? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Communist? Don't you think he probably would have told <b> </b><b> </b> me? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, does he wear bland, drab, olive colored clothing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes, . . . yes he does dress a little drab. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Huh, he's a communist. . . . Look at this. "Exciting <b> </b><b> </b> uninhibited woman seeks forward thinking comrade and appearance not important." . . . Appearance Not Important! This is unbelievable. Finally this is an ideology I can embrace. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry enters) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi oh. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> and GEORGE: Hey. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Where's Lois? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She couldn't make it. <b> </b> ===========break ======== <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe you're really going out with a woman named <b> </b><b> </b> Lois. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, finally. But George, guess who her boss is. Duncan Meyers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Duncan Meyers? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Who's he? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, only one other person in the world knows what I am about to tell you and that's George. When we were in the ninth grade they had us all line up at one end of the school yard for this big race to see who was going to represent the school in this track meet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh uh <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was the last one on the end. George was next to me. And Mr. Bevilacqua, the gym . . . <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What's that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mr. Bevilacqua, the gym teacher. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, of course. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He was down at the other end. So he yells out, "Ready, On your mark, Get set, " and I was so keyed up I just took off. By the time he said go I was ten yards ahead of everybody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I looked up. I couldn't believe it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> By the time the race was over I had won. I was shocked nobody had noticed the head start. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And I had won by so much a myth began to grow about my <b> </b><b> </b> speed. Only Duncan suspected something was a miss. He's hated me <b> </b><b> </b> ever since. Now he's back. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well what happened when you raced him again? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I never did. In four years of high school I would never race anyone again. Not even to the end of the block to catch a bus. And so the legend grew. Everyone wanted me to race. They begged me. The track coach called my parents. Pleading. Telling them it was a sin to waste my god given talent. But I answered him in the same way I answered everyone. I chose not to run. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So now Duncan is back? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's back. And I knew he would be someday. (drinks) Man <b> </b><b> </b> that's some tart cider! <b> </b> (In Jerry's Car - Lois gets in) <b> </b><b> LOIS </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> LOIS </b> Sorry I missed the Chinese food. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, so am I . Uh, how's Duncan? <b> </b><b> LOIS </b> He's okay. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He say anything? <b> </b><b> LOIS </b> About what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, nothing in particular. <b> </b><b> LOIS </b> . . . Why did you cheat in that race? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I did not cheat. <b> </b><b> LOIS </b> He said that you got a head start. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, he's just jealous because he came in second. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOIS </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes <b> </b><b> LOIS </b> So you WERE the fastest kid in school. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Faster than a speeding bullet Lois. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So how was work? Another day, another dollar? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NED </b> I guess. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh well nothing wrong with that. Gotta make those big bucks. . . . money money money money money money money . . . ha ha ha ha ah . . . are you a communist? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NED </b> Yes, as a matter of fact I am. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> OH, AH! OH! WOW! WHOA! A COMMIE! Wow, gee, man it must be a bummer for you guys what with the fall of the soviet empire and everything . <b> </b><b> </b><b> NED </b> Yeah, well, we still got China, and Cuba, <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, but come on . . . <b> </b><b> NED </b> I know it's not the same. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you had a good run, what was it 75, 80 years? Wreaking havoc, making everybody nervous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NED </b> Yeah, we had a good run. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, so enjoy yourself. (clink glasses) ha ha uh ha <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you lied to her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I couldn't tell her the truth. I don't know what's going to happen between us. What if we have a bad breakup. She'll go straight to Duncan. And I want him to go to his grave never being certain I got that <b> </b><b> </b> head start. <b> </b> (Elaine enters) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I'm dating a communist. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow, a communist. That's something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, that's pretty cool isn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, did I tell you I called one of those girls from the personal ads in The Daily Worker? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Daily Worker has personal ads? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> And they say appearance is not important. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yours or hers? <b> </b> (Kramer enters dressed as Santa) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas everyone. Merry Christmas. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wow, look at you. So you got the job. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, you're looking at the new Santa at Coleman's Department store. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, congratulations <b> </b> (Mickey enters) <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Come on get your bead on. We're going to be late. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> On Prancer on Dasher, on Donna. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Not Donna, it's Donner. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Donna! <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Yeah, right!. On Prancer, on Dancer, on Donna, on Ethyl, on Harriet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, Oh hi Lois, you want to get together, what for? I don't know about that, I'll have to think about it. I'll let you know. Okay, bye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What's up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Duncan wants to get together with her and me for lunch tomorrow. He obviously wants me to admit I got a head start. And I don't think she believes me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He wants to meet you? I'll tell you what. I'll show up. He doesn't know we're friends. I'll pretend I haven't seen you since High School. I'll back up the story. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's not bad. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not bad? It's gorgeous! <b> </b> (Coleman's Department Store) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ho ho ho Well come on little Princess, tell Santa what you want. Don't be shy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MOMICKEY </b> She doesn't speak English (with a Swedish accent). <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Santa speaks the language of all children. A notchie watchie dotchie do. <b> </b><b> </b> (Child cries and reaches for her mom) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A dotchie cotchie dochie, <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Het, Mickey when do we get a break? My lap is killing me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> There is no break. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A sweat shop. <b> </b> (Elaine and commie enter) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, hey, hey. <b> </b> (Kid sits on Kramer's lap and they both slide to the floor) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Yankee Stadium) <b> </b><b> ADA </b> Natalie on line 2. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Natalie? <b> </b><b> ADA </b> From the Daily Worker. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Thank you. <b> </b> (ADA leaves but listens at the door) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hello, it's Natalie? Yeah, this is a business office but I'm not a business man per se. I'm here working for the people. Yes, I'm causing dissent. Stirring the pot. Getting people to question the whole rotten system. <b> </b><b> </b> (Coleman's Department Store) <b> </b><b> ILENE </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ilene. <b> </b><b> ILENE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> ILENE </b> Doing a little Christmas shopping? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, yeah. Oh, this is Ned. He's a communist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ILENE </b> Oh, really? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yep . . . a big communist, a big big communist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ILENE </b> Oh, well, it's awfully nice to see you. See you later. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bye bye <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, listen while we're here why don't we do a little shirt shopping? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NED </b> Out of the question. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Um. Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi, oh hi Mickey, this is Ned <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey, hi buddy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You guys stay here, I'll be right back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Eight hours of jingle belling and ho ho hoing. Boy, I am ho'd out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NED </b> Anyone who works here is a sap. <b> </b> (Mickey attacks Ned) <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Watch it! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Woah, woah, come on. <b> </b><b> NED </b> You understand the Santa's at Bloomfields are making double what you are? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Double? <b> </b><b> NED </b> I bet the beard itches doesn't it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got that straight. <b> </b><b> NED </b> So when you get a rash all over your face in January do you think Coleman's will be there with a <b> </b><b> </b> medical plan? <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Look, you take that commie crap out into the street. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NED </b> Kramer, I've got some literature in my car that will change your whole way of thinking. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Talk to me baby. <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Don't listen to him Kramer, you've got a good job here. <b> </b><b> </b> (Monks) <b> </b><b> DUNCAN </b> But there's no way you could have beaten me by that much. I already beaten you in Junior High School three times. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't hit puberty til the 9th grade. That's what gave me my speed. Besides, if I got a head start why didn't Mr. Bevilacqua stop the race? <b> </b><b> </b> (George enters) <b> </b><b> DUNCAN </b> That's what I've always wondered about. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I . . . (sees George) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, my God, No, oh my God, . . . Jerry! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry, uh, <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> George, George Costanza! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, George Costanza , Kennedy High. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes yes yes This is unbelievable. <b> </b><b> DUNCAN </b> Hi, George <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, don't tell me, don't tell me. It starts with a . . . Duncan Meyers. Oh, wow, this is something. I haven't seen you guys in what, twenty years? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is Lois. <b> </b><b> LOIS </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what have you been doing with yourself? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm I'm a comedian. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah ha, well, I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. So what do you do, a lot of that "did you ever notice?" this kind of stuff. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah, Well, you really got bald there, didn't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You really used to have a think full head of hair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess I started losing it when I was about twenty-eight right around the time I made my first million. You know what they say. The first million is the hardest one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> yeah, yeah. <b> </b><b> LOIS </b> What do you do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm an architect. <b> </b><b> LOIS </b> Have you designed any buildings in New York? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOIS </b> You did that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yep. And it didn't take very long either. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well you've really built yourself up into something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, well, I had a dream, Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, one cannot help( but wonder what brings you into a crummy little coffee shop like this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I like to stay in touch with the people. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, you know you have a hole in your sneaker there. What is that canvas? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know my driver's waiting, I really should get running. Good to see you guys again. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George, George, hang on. I haven't seen you in so long. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ha, uh, <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought we might reminisce a little more. You know Duncan and I were just taking about the big race. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, the big race. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, yes,. <b> </b><b> LOIS </b> You were there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, sure, surely was. Yeah, I'll remember that day. Well I'll never forget it because that was the day that I uh, lost my virginity to Miss. Stafford, the uh, voluptuous home room teacher. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DUNCAN </b> Miss Stafford? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, yes, you know I was in detention and she came up behind me while I was erasing the blackboard . . . <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> George! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> But I digress. Let me see, now. You were standing at one end of the line and I was right next to you. And I remember we were even for like, the first five yards and then , BOOM,...You were gone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did I get a head start? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Head start, oh no absolutely not. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You satisfied? So you see? <b> </b><b> DUNCAN </b> No, I'm still not convinced and I never will be. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOIS </b> Why don't the two of you just race again? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DUNCAN </b> That's a good idea. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no, no, another race - out of the question. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DUNCAN </b> I know, you've been saying that for twenty years because you know you can't beat me. You couldn't beat me then and you can't beat me now. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOIS </b> Race him Jerry. Race him. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right! I'll do it. The race is on. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> . . . shut up! (?) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And he's calling all these people from High School to come and watch. I knew this day would come. I can't do it. I can't go through with it. I'm calling it off. I can't let the legend die. It's like a kid finding out there's no Santa Claus <b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Each according to his ability, to each according to his needs. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> What does that mean? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, if you've got needs and abilities that's a pretty good combination. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> So what if I want to open up a delicatessen? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> There are no delicatessens under Communism. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, because the meats are divided into a class system. You got Pastrami and Corned Beef in one class and Salami and Bologna in another. That's not right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> So you can't get Corned Beef? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know, if you're in the Politburo, maybe. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (on phone) . It's George Costanza. . are there any messages for me? Why does Mr. Steinbrenner want to see me in his office? . . . Communist? I'm not a Communist . . . . All right, all right. All right, I'll be there. - ( hangs up ) My secretary Ada, told Mr Steinbrenner I'm a Communist Now he wants to see me <b> </b><b> </b> in his office. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you'll just explain to him you're not a Communist. <b> </b><b> </b> You just called the woman for a date. <b> </b> (Phone rings) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, oh hi Duncan, 4:00 o'clock tomorrow? That is not <b> </b><b> </b> going to work. . . . Why? I'll tell you why. Because I chose not to run! <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Apartment) <b> </b><b> NED </b> I'm sorry Elaine. The shirt's too fancy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just because you're a communist, does that mean you can't wear anything nice? You look like Trotsky. It's gorgeous. Fine, you want to be a Communist, be a Communist. Can't you at least look like a successful Communist? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NED </b> All right, I'll try it on. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm going to order Chinese Food. <b> </b><b> NED </b> You're ordering from Hop Sing's, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ugh, does it have to be Hop Sing's. I kind of had a fight with him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NED </b> Elaine, when my father was black listed he couldn't work for years. He and his friends used to sit at Hop Sing's every day figuring out how to survive. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You're father was blacklisted? <b> </b><b> NED </b> Yes he was, and you know why? Because he was betrayed by people he trusted. They "named names". <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, okay. (phones) Um, yeah, hi, I'd like delivery please to 16 West 75th St. apartment 2G. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEW </b> I know that address. You're Benes, right. You're on our list. No more delivery. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. no, she doesn't live here anymore. This is someone else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEW </b> Oh, yeah. What's the name? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why do you need the name? You already have the address. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEW </b> We need a name. Give us a name. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, okay, Ned Isakoff. <b> </b> (Coleman's Department Store) <b> </b><b> KID </b> I want a racing car set. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ho ho ho ho A racing car set! Those are assembled in Tai Wan by kids like you. And these Coleman pigs, they sell it at triple the cost. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KID </b> But I want a racing car set. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You see kid, you're being bamboozaled. These capatalist fat cats are inflating the profit margin and reducing your total number of toys. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KID </b> Hey, this guy's a COMMIE! <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Hey, kid, quiet. Were did a nice little boy like you learn such a bad word like that? Huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KID </b> Commie, Commie, Commie . . . (unknown) <b> . </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Santa is not a Commie. He just forgot how his good friend stuck his neck out for him to get him a good job like this. Didn't he Santa! <b> </b><b> </b><b> STORE MANAGER </b> Is there a problem here? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ho ho ho ho. <b> </b><b> KID </b> This guy's a Commie. He's spreading propoganda. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STORE MANAGER </b> Oh yeah? Well that's enough pinko! You're through. The both of ya' <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> I got two kids in college. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You can't fire me, I'm Santa Claus. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STORE MANAGER </b> Not anymore. Get your skinny ass out of here. <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Car) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi how are you? <b> </b><b> LOIS </b> . . . Fine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's the matter? <b> </b><b> LOIS </b> I just spoke to Duncan. He said if you don't race, he's going to fire me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? He can't do that. <b> </b><b> LOIS </b> Yes he can. He controls the means of production. What are you going to do Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't worry Lois. I'll think of something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine's Apartment) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LEW </b> Ah, I knew it was you! You tried to trick Hop Sing! You are onour list; Elaine Benes! And now you are on our list; Ned Isakoff. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NED </b> You got me blacklisted from Hop Sing's? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LEW </b> She named name! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Steinbrenner's Office) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You, uh, wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Yes George, I did. Come in, come in. George, the wordaround the office is that you're a Communist. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> C-Communist? I am a Yankee, sir, first and foremost. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> You know George, it struck me today me that a Communistpipeline into the vast reservoir of Cuban baseball talent could be thegreatest thing ever to happen to this organization. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sir? <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> You could be invaluable to this franchise. George, <b> </b><b> </b> there's a southpaw down there nobody's been able to get a look at; <b> </b><b> </b> something Rodriguez, I don't really know his name. You get yourselfdown to Havana right away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, sir. Yes sir, do my best. <b> </b><b> STEINBRENNER </b> Good, Merry Christmas George. And bring me back some of those cigars in the cedar boxes, you know the ones with the fancy rings? I love those fancy rings. They kind of distract you while you're smoking. The red and yellow are nice. It looks good against the brown of the cigar. The Maduro, I like the Maduro wrapper. The darker the better, that's what I say. Of course, the Claro's good too. That's more of a pale brown, almost like a milky coffee. (George exits) I find the ring size very confusing. They have it in centimeters which I don't really understand that well... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (On the Street) <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> That was quick! Nice job, Santa! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> I knew that Commie stuff was going to get us in trouble. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well I didn't realize that was such a sensitive issue. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> Communism, You didn't realize Communism was a sensitive issue? What do you think has been going on in the world for the past 60 years? Wake up and smell the coffee. <b> </b><b> </b> K I guess I screwed up! <b> </b><b> MICKEY </b> You sure did. Big time. <b> </b> (Street - race begins) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How do you feel? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I need a miracle. <b> </b><b> DUNCAN </b> Now you're going to see what kind of liar you're mixed up with. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LOIS </b> If he beats you I want a big raise. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DUNCAN </b> If he beats me, I'll not only give you a raise, I'll send you to Hawaii for two weeks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I parked in front of that restaurant . As soon as this race is over I got to go to the airport. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Okay, all right, all right. <b> </b><b> MR. BEVILACQUA </b> You ready boys? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, Mr. Beviacqua <b> </b><b> MR. BEVILACQUA </b> Okay, this is hoiw it works. You take your marks, I say, READY - ON YOUR MARK - GET SET - and then fire. You got it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DUNCAN </b> and JERRY: Yes Mr. Bevilacqua. <b> </b> (Kramer enters his car) <b> </b> (Mr. Bevilacqua raises gun) <b> </b><b> MR. BEVILACQUA </b><b> READY - ON YOUR MARK </b> <b> </b> (Kramer's car backfires) <b> </b> (Jerry is off early and wins the race - the crowd goes crazy <b> - ) </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LOIS </b> So will you come to Hawaii with me Jerry? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe I will , Lois. Maybe I will. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry winks at camera like in the Superman movie) <b> </b> (Havana) <b> </b> (George enters Castro's office (like Steinbrenner) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You wanted to see me, El Presidente? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CASTRO </b> Si, si. (a Spanish word I can't figure out) Come here. <b> </b><b> </b> I understand you are very interested in one of our players, eh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Si, si. <b> </b><b> CASTRO </b> Ordinarily I would not grant such a request but I've heard you <b> </b><b> </b> are, uh, how you say, Communista simpatico, eh? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Muy sumpatico. Muy muy muy. <b> </b><b> CASTRO </b> Well good, then you can have your pick. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, oh! <b> </b><b> CASTRO </b> They will play for your Yankees. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh well, gracias El Commandante, gracias. Muy muy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> CASTRO </b> And I would be honored if you would be my guest for dinner tonight at the Presidential palace. There will be girls there and, I hear, some pretty good food. Of course the problem with parties is you invariably have to eat standing up which I don't care for but on the other hand I don't like to balance a plate on my lap either. Once when I was at a party, I put my plate on someone's piano. I assure you, if I had not been a dictator, I would not have been able to get away with that one. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Race Script

1995-01-26

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE SCOFFLAW </b> Written by Peter Mehlman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The big new accessory with eyeglasses, seems to be that strap, that connects in the back so you can take 'em on and off. Which I don't get, because I thought, if you have glasses, isn't that because you need to wear glasses? 'You need glasses', isn't that what they say? I mean, an eye doctor doesn't say 'Would you care for some glasses?' When people have crutches, they don't havelike a little chain attached to their belt, so they can just let go of 'em every now and then. Why not get a toupee with a rubber band for when you're water-skiing, the thing could just... (mimes semi-airborne wig with hand) <b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> George hurrying along, he passes Gary who recognises him. <b> </b><b> GARY </b> Hey George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Gary? Well, well, well well. Where the hell've you been? I've been <b> </b> leaving you phone messages for months. <b> </b><b> GARY </b> I know. I've been pretty busy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Busy. Don't give me busy. Who's not busy? I'm busy, we're all busy, <b> </b> everybody's busy. All right, tell me, what's kept you so busy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GARY </b> Mostly chemotherapy. 'Kay, I'll see you. <b> </b><b> </b> (Different Street) <b> </b> A cop, with an eye patch, is writing a ticket for a car. Kramer is about to cross <b> </b> the street. He waits for a car to pass. As it passes, a tray of litter is tossed <b> </b> from its window and lands near Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to car as it accelerates away) Hey pig! <b> </b><b> </b> The cop hears this and turns to see who said it. As he does so, the car he is <b> </b> ticketing starts up and speeds away. <b> </b><b> COP </b> (at car) Hey! Hey! Hey! <b> </b> Kramer takes advantage of the distraction to run away. <b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you called the cop a pig? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I was yelling at the litterbug. I mean this is my town. You don't throw <b> </b> trash on the streets of my town. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Didn't you explain that to the cop? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, I fled the scene. <b> </b> George enters. He looks disquieted. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) Hey. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to George) Hey buddy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, uh... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer, I, I, I, uh, I need to talk to Jerry privately. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. What about? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Kramer... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aw come on George, you can share it with me, huh? <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer grabs George in a headlock. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey, you're hurting me! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You gonna share it with me next time, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I swear, I swear! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Aw, all right, I'm looking forward to it. <b> </b><b> </b> He releases George from the headlock and exits, but he closes the door slowly <b> </b> and can be seen peering in through the decreasing gap until it finally shuts <b> </b> completely. Jerry and George watch him until the door is closed. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right, I got news. You ready? (deep breath) Gary Fogel had cancer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, I knew. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You knew? How did you know? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He told me a few months ago. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why did he tell you and not me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How are you closer to him than me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry shrugs. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, is he okay? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, he's fine, fine. He was in bad shape for a while though. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Huh, really? How bad? Was he on his death bed? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, he was on his regular bed. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So why didn't you tell me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He swore me to secrecy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not like you're my wife. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I still think you shoulda told me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, believe me, you were better off not knowing. It's not easy to deal <b> </b><b> </b> with someone in a situation like this. I was so nice to him I almost made myself <b> </b> sick. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I wanna talk to him about this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's right, you let him have it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mmm-mm. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Who is he not to tell you about his life-threatening illness? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's what I'm saying. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> His illness is your business. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If not mine, whose? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If not now, when? <b> </b> The door opens and Elaine enters. She senses a conversation has just ceased. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Were you just talking about me? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, an old friend of ours, Gary. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, the guy with cancer? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Jerry, yelling) You told her? She's not your wife! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If I told you, you woulda given it away. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't think I can keep a secret? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, but he would've read your face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't trust my poker face? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you ever win at poker? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shamefaced) No. <b> </b> Door opens and Kramer enters. He sees Elaine. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. (to Elaine) Oh, I just saw your old boyfriend on TV. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Egh, Jake Jarmel? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. I really liked those glasses he was wearing. Where'd he get those. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? You don't wear glasses. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I know, I know. But I need a new look, I'm stagnating. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have to say, as a glasses wearer I take exception to that. That's like <b> </b><b> </b> me buying a wheelchair to cruise around in. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, I've considered that. (to Elaine) Look, how do I get in touch with <b> </b> this guy? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, he's having a two day book signing at Waldens. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You know, we had a really bad break-up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Jujy Fruits? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (upset) Yeah, the Jujy Fruits. <b> </b> (Waldenbooks) <b> </b> A queue of people wait to have their hardbacks signed by Jake Jarmel, who sits <b> </b> at a table, wearing spectacles with dark oval frames. Kramer is having his copy <b> </b> signed. <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Okay, K-Man, enjoy the book. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Okay, thank you. Listen Jake, uh, where did you get those eyeglass <b> </b> frames? <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> I can't tell you that. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So you don't know where you got 'em? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Yes I do. But I don't want anyone else to have them. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, that's peculiar. (leaves) <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> George and Gary sit in a booth. Among the other customers is an attractive woman <b> </b> sitting in the corner, reading a book. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Eh, there's that woman that never talks to anybody. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GARY </b> Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Every day she comes in, she sits at that table and reads. Never talks to <b> </b><b> </b> anybody. <b> </b><b> GARY </b> Oh, I talked to Debby Bibelo. She said to say hi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pleasant surprise) Really? (admonishing) You know Gary, I really have <b> </b> to say, I'm a little bit hurt that you didn't decide to confide in me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GARY </b> Well frankly, you can't keep a secret. You know, you'd get two pair, the <b> </b><b> </b> whole table knows. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well I still think it was wrong. <b> </b><b> GARY </b> Right, well I'm sorry, all right. I guess I was just thinking of myself. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (well, obviously) Yes. <b> </b> (Another street) <b> </b> Kramer is talking to the eyepatch-wearing cop. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...so I called the litterbug a pig, not you. I like policeman. I wanted <b> </b><b> </b> to be a policeman. <b> </b><b> COP </b> Yeah? So why didn't you? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Scared of being shot. <b> </b><b> COP </b> Mr Kramer, let me tell you a story. In nineteen-seventy-nine I ticketed a <b> </b> brown Dodge Diplomat for parking in a Church zone. That fine was never paid, and <b> </b> since then that scofflaw has piled up more parking tickets than anyone in New <b> </b> York City. For sixteen years I pursued him, only to see him give me the slip <b> </b> time and time again. I never got a clean look at his face, but he's become my <b> </b> 'white whale'. Mr Kramer, that day was yesterday! But thanks to you, I don't <b> </b> know if I'll ever get that chance again! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I like that eye patch. <b> </b> (Monks') <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (standing) All right, I'm gonna move my car, my meter's up. Can't park in <b> </b><b> </b> this city. <b> </b><b> GARY </b> (standing) Hey, George, listen. You know that company I work for, they own <b> </b><b> </b> that parking lot around the corner. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wha, that's a Kinney lot? <b> </b><b> GARY </b> Yeah, and there's a space opening up, and I could get it for you. You just <b> </b><b> </b> have to pay the tax on it. It'd be like, fifty a month. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Fifty bucks a month, that's incredible! Okay, thanks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GARY </b> All right, I got lunch, all right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You still owe me a secret. <b> </b><b> GARY </b> All right, listen. There is something I haven't told you, all right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> GARY </b> Yeah, but uhm, you can't tell Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What do think I tell Jerry everything? It's not like he's my wife. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GARY </b> Okay. Well, the thing is, I've been living a lie. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Just one? I'm living like twenty. (chuckles) What's yours? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GARY </b> Well, I (laughs) I never actually had cancer. (laughs) I'll see you. <b> </b> (leaves) <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b> Kramer and Jerry sit on the couch, Elaine in the chair. Kramer and Elaine are <b> </b> talking, Jerry reads a magazine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So he refused to tell you where he got the glasses? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (rising) Flat out refused! (walks past Jerry, who moves his legs) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, isn't that just like him? (she steps over Jerry's legs) You know, <b> </b><b> </b> he has to be the only one who has 'em. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, tell me about it, soul sister. (he opens the door to leave) <b> </b> Anyway, I told Jake that you said hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? (she slams the door shut before Kramer can exit) You told Jake I <b> </b> said hi? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe you did that! Why did you tell him I said hi? I never <b> </b> said hi! (to Jerry) When did I say hi? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I never heard her say hi. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's uh, common courtesy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, no. (stamps foot) Kramer, you don't understand. He made the last <b> </b> contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he <b> </b> thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's like a game of tag. <b> </b> Elaine gathers her stuff together, ready to leave. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where you going? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nowhere. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're going to the book store to see Jake Jarmel, aren't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what if I do? (heads for the door) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to the exiting Elaine) Yeah, well, listen. If you're going there, <b> </b> (following her out the door) maybe you can get him to tell you where he got <b> </b> those glasses. (shouting after her) Elaine! <b> </b> George enters as Kramer and Elaine leave. He closes the door behind him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. How'd it go with Gary? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shifty, avoiding Jerry's eyes) Fine, fine. (he removes his coat) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (suspicious) Really? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shifty) Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You look like something's on your mind. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. Nothing. Fine. (he sits at the table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, that's your poker face. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> My regular face. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No it isn't. I've seen your regular face. That is not it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What are you saying? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right George, c'mon, what d'you got? (sits opposite George) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I got nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What you got, a pair of bullets? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What you talking about? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Two pair? Three of a kind? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Will you stop it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my God, you got a flush! You're holding a flush! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't have a flush. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> A full house? You got a full house? Turn 'em over George, I wanna see <b> </b><b> </b> 'em. Come on, I'm calling! (thumps hand on table) What d'you got! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (broken, shouts) Gary Fogel never had cancer! <b> </b><b> </b> (Waldenbooks) <b> </b> Jake Jarmel is at the same table as before. Elaine is talking to him. There are <b> </b> other people queuing behind her. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So you see, Kramer took it upon himself to say hi to you from me. When <b> </b> in fact it was an unauthorised hi. <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> You're saying you didn't say hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> That's what I'm saying. <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> So that's what you came down here to tell me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Correct. <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> You never said hi? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Correct. <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> You still like me, don't you? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Correct. (catches herself) What's that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAN </b> Hey, I have been trying to get this book signed all day. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (takes the book from the guy and signs it herself) How can you say that <b> </b> I still like you, when I didn't even say hi to you? <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Elaine, coming down here to say that you didn't say hi is more of a <b> </b> gesture than if you did say hi. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ah, Jake... (realises his logic) I, uh... <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The doctors thought he had cancer, but the surgery revealed he never <b> </b> actually had it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what was wrong with him? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nothing! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So he's been lying to me for two months?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What kind of person is this? There's only one other person who might be <b> </b><b> </b> able to do something like this, and that's you. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't even think you could do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, I could do it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, I guess you could. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (snorts) C'mon. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Did you know he was so worried about losing more hair if he had to get <b> </b><b> </b> chemo treatment, I bought him an unlimited gift certificate at the Hair Team For <b> </b> Men, just to put his mind at ease? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You did that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Oh, I can't wait to talk to this guy. (moves to pick up phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a minute, wait a minute. You can't say anything. (rushes to take <b> </b> phone from Jerry) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (puts down handset) Because he'll know I told you. Besides, he's giving <b> </b> me a parking spot around the corner for practically nothing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you're telling me, because you're getting free parking, I gotta <b> </b> pretend this guy had cancer when he didn't? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well I don't like it. I don't like it one bit! And, I'm supposed to see <b> </b><b> </b> him tomorrow. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, well you have to maintain the same disposition too. You can't <b> </b> start acting any differently. You have to be nice. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why didn't he tell me? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because you were being so nice. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think I can be that nice. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (shouts) You be nice! <b> </b> George and Jerry turn their backs to other and angrily stalk away from each <b> </b> other. <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Jerry enters. He looks around for Gary, and does a double-take as he see him <b> </b> sitting in a booth, wearing a wig. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gary? <b> </b><b> GARY </b> What d'you think? Check it out. (he tries a number of expressions, turning <b> </b><b> </b> his head side to side, to show off the hairpiece) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that from my gift certificate? <b> </b><b> GARY </b> Yeah buddy. You really came through for me man. You've been so nice. <b> </b> (shakes Jerry by the hand) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (through gritted teeth) Yeah, well, I'm glad you could take advantage. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GARY </b> Hey, you know what I'm thinking of doing? I'm getting rid of all my <b> </b> fillings, 'cos that mercury's toxic. Hey, let me see your fillings. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> GARY </b> Oh come on, open up. Let me take a look. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry can be seen struggling against his instincts. He hears George's words from <b> </b> earlier. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You be nice! He's giving me a parking space (echoes) parking <b> </b> space... parking space... <b> </b> Jerry leans forward and opens his mouth, but he's not happy about it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GARY </b> (peering in) Well, what d'you know. Hey, lookee there, you're loaded. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay. (shuts mouth) <b> </b><b> GARY </b> Hey, look who's over there. Miss Cool-toes. Check this out, Jack! (rises) <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer enters. He's wearing an eyepatch like the cop's. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Jerry) Hey buddy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. Look at you. Wha... what's this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> It's an eyepatch. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You look like a pirate. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I wanna be a pirate. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (gesturing) This is Gary. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Gary) How you doing? <b> </b><b> GARY </b> All right. <b> </b> Kramer goes to shake Gary by the hand, but due to his impaired vision, he misses <b> </b> by several inches at the first attempt. He lifts the patch up to restore his <b> </b> depth perception. They shake, and Gary leaves to talk to the 'girl who never <b> </b> talks'. Kramer moves to sit in the vacant seat. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I tell you there's only one problem. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer sits down, misjudges the seat and almost slides under the table. He <b> </b> upsets plates and glasses. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can't see on your right side? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No. It's uh, (swaps patch to the other eye) it's itchy <b> </b><b> </b> (George's car) <b> </b><b> DEBBY </b> Nice car. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Once belonged to Jon Voight. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DEBBY </b> So, what made you just call me out of the blue like that? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, well, uh. Gary told me you said hi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DEBBY </b> I didn't say hi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You didn't? <b> </b><b> DEBBY </b> Uh, no. I told him to send you my regards. I didn't say hi. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Regards? <b> </b><b> DEBBY </b> Yeah, regards. <b> </b> (Cab) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Anyway, I admit I was dumb to go to the bookstore to tell him I didn't <b> </b><b> </b> say hi, but he didn't have to act so smug. Oh, I hate smugness. Don't you hate <b> </b> smugness? <b> </b><b> CABBIE </b> (heavy accent) Smugness is not a good quality. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (looking out of window) Oh my God. That man over there. I think he's <b> </b> wearing glasses that look just like Jake's. Pull over, stop the car. (hands <b> </b> money to cabbie as she exits) Here, here. I think I got a way of getting back at <b> </b> my ex-boyfriend. <b> </b><b> CABBIE </b> Good. Revenge is very good. <b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Elaine is running after a guy who is indeed wearing identical spectacles to Mr <b> </b> Jarmel. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (calling down street) 'Scuse me! 'Scuse me. (catches up to guy) Excuse <b> </b> me, sir. Sir? <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Yes? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh. Ah, if you don't mind my asking, could you tell me where you got <b> </b> your glasses? <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Malaysia. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Malaysia? <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uhm, look, I know this'll sound odd, but can I buy them from you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GUY </b> Actually, I was gonna buy a new pair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (positive) Oh! (little chuckle) <b> </b><b> GUY </b> But I, I can barely see without these. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> C'mon. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> Well, these were expensive. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Let's start the bidding. <b> </b> (George's car) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, you didn't think this was a date? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DEBBY </b> N... no, not really. Why, is it... a date? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I thought it was a date. <b> </b><b> DEBBY </b> No. It's not a date. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What about the regards? <b> </b><b> DEBBY </b> Regards don't mean anything. I mean, it's not like I said hi. Hey, the <b> </b><b> </b> fact is... (sighs) I shouldn't say anything. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, tell me. <b> </b><b> DEBBY </b> Can you keep a secret? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Me? Oh yeah. <b> </b><b> DEBBY </b> (deep breath) I never had feelings for Gary until he got sick. But, h... <b> </b><b> </b> he was so brave and... and gained such a wonderful perspective on life. I... I <b> </b> fell in love with him. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, the guy's got some perspective there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Jerry and Kramer in their booth. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, do you know what the Whip does? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What whip? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The Whip. In the Senate, in the House. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, you know in the old days, when the senators didn't vote the way <b> </b> that the party leaders wanted 'em to... they whipped them. (holds imaginary <b> </b> whip) You better vote the way we want you to, or there's gonna be big trouble. <b> </b> (cracks invisible whip and makes sound effect) <b> </b> Gary returns from talking to the 'girl who never talks'. <b> </b><b> GARY </b> She won't talk to anyone, huh? Oh no, she won't say a word to anybody. <b> </b> Well, she's talking a blue streak now, Jack! <b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> The eye patch-wearing cop spots a familiar Dodge. <b> </b><b> COP </b> Well, well. The 'white whale'. <b> </b> He moves in for the kill. <b> </b> (George's car) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (frustrated) Oh, look at this. There's no place to park around here. I <b> </b> don't even know why they sell cars in Manhattan. <b> </b><b> DEBBY </b> Don't complain, at least you have your health. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> The guy Elaine bought the glasses from is peering blurrily about. It's clear he <b> </b> can barely see anything. He steps between cars and out into the road. <b> </b><b> </b> (George's car) <b> </b><b> DEBBY </b> George, look out for that man! <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> The sound of tires squealing is heard from outside, followed immediately by the <b> </b> crash of cars colliding. Kramer leaps to his feet and heads out to investigate. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> The cop has obviously been distracted by the same noises whilst writing a <b> </b> ticket. The scofflaw has taken advantage, and the Dodge squeals away, passing <b> </b> Kramer as he emerges from Monk's. <b> </b><b> COP </b> (to escaping car) Hey! Hey, get back here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (looking after fleeing car) Newman! The white whale! <b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Can you believe he sold his glasses on the street? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can you believe someone would lie about chemotherapy to get a wig? Would <b> </b> you do that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No. Definitely not. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And you know what else? He picked up that woman in the coffee shop. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The one who always sits by herself? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How did he do that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because he was brimming with confidence from the toupee. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? And Debby told me that she fell in love with him because he has <b> </b> all this perspective! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She thinks a guy who lies about a life-threatening illness, so he can get <b> </b> some phony hair has perspective? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (opening door to leave) He picked her up? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Walked right over to her table. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wow. (he runs his fingers through his hair, and then brushes the <b> </b> resulting fallout off his jacket) <b> </b> (Waldenbooks) <b> </b> Jake still at the signing table. People still queuing. Elaine skips past the <b> </b> queue. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jake, Jake. Take a look. (puts on the frames she bought) Aaw, see, <b> </b> you're not the only one who has 'em. I have them too. <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Where did you get those? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Malaysia. I was in the area. <b> </b> Jake thumps the desk in frustrated rage. <b> </b> (Newman's car) <b> </b> Newman is sitting alone. The door opens and Kramer jumps in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (surprised) Kramer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Just drive. <b> </b> Newman puts the car in gear and sets off. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right. Now you listen, and you listen good. I know who you are. You're <b> </b> the scofflaw. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (defensive) What're you talking about... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (interrupting) Ah, don't play dumb. It's me, Cosmo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> All right, so it's me. So what? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You don't think I know how you're feeling, every second of the day? <b> </b> Looking over your shoulder to see if someone's coming up from behind. Sitting <b> </b> alone at night, knowing they could be closing in. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I can't sleep, I tell you! I can't sleep! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ga, of course you can't, you poor sap! Now why didn't you tell me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So you been living this secret the whole time by yourself? <b> </b><b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (sobbing) Yes, it's been awful. I wanted to tell somebody. (pleading) <b> </b> Help me Kramer! Help me! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> All right, all right, I'm gonna help you. <b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> George and Jerry, walking together. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll try some on and see how they look. It's just hair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You ever see what that thing looks like in the back? You got your natural <b> </b><b> </b> little curls on the bottom, and then that big phony mat coming down on top of <b> </b> 'em. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, some of 'em look good. The ones that look good you don't even know <b> </b><b> </b> about. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What if you get involved with a woman? How're you gonna tell her? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The way they make 'em these days, I'll never have to tell her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you keep it a secret your whole life, then at your funeral the <b> </b> mortician comes out (as mortician) 'Here, Mrs Costanza, I thought you might want <b> </b> this'. (as Mrs Costanza, horrified) Aahh! <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Elaine and Mr Lippman, sitting in a booth. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> It's no secret that it's my dream to have my own publishing house, and <b> </b><b> </b> if this Jake Jarmel book does, you know, what I think it's gonna do. If I can <b> </b> get this whole thing off the ground, then , you know, I think I'll have <b> </b> something for you. (laughs) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Mr Lippman. (joins laughter) That is so exciting. I mean, you have <b> </b> no idea how sick I am of running around town looking for socks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Yeah, by the way, those are great glasses. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh really, you like 'em? <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Uh huh. Very unusual. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, you know what? (removes glasses) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (hands them over) You can have 'em. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Oh, no no no. (waves them away) Please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No no no no. Go to that place on the corner, they'll change the <b> </b> prescription in an hour. Take 'em. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Really? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, I've no use for them anymore. Honestly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> (accepting) I could use a new pair of reading glasses. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They're from Malaysia. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> (putting on spectacles) Oh yeah? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (admiring gasp) Fabulous. <b> </b> (Courtroom) <b> </b> Newman stands before a female Judge. Kramer stands beside him. There are the <b> </b> usual personnel for a courtroom. <b> </b><b> JUDGE </b> Well Mr Newman, in all my years on the bench, I have never come across <b> </b> anything quite like this. I have given this matter some very serious <b> </b> consideration and I've decided that what's best for the city and possibly for <b> </b> yourself, is for you to keep your car, in a garage... <b> </b> Newman bursts into anguished tears. <b> </b><b> JUDGE </b> ...convenient to your home. <b> </b><b> NEWMAN </b> (sobbing) I can't afford that! <b> </b><b> JUDGE </b> Afford it you will, Mr Newman. Or this court will see that your car is <b> </b> impounded... <b> </b> Newman's sobbing reaches new heights. <b> </b><b> JUDGE </b> ...and sold at auction. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, don't you worry, your honour. He's in my custody. <b> </b><b> </b> The judge peers at Kramer. She does not look impressed by this statement. <b> </b><b> </b> (Hair Team For Men) <b> </b> George, Jerry and a Salesman, wearing a substandard toupee, are in a fitting <b> </b> room (?). George is sitting before a mirror, trying on a wig, assisted by the <b> </b> salesman, while Jerry looks on. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Jerry) Well, what d'you think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (unimpressed) I, really can't say. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, say. I want you to say. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's not good, okay. It's not good. You look (searches for word) stupid. <b> </b><b> </b> (to salesman) I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> You have to realise this has not been custom-fitted to his scalp. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (examining reflection) I really think this looks pretty good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why don't you get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get <b> </b> the whole thing over with? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to salesman) Well, maybe you could show me something else. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> As I said, it'll be different once we design something specifically <b> </b> for you. But I don't think your friend here is being very helpful. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, hey, I'm being helpful. I am the only one being helpful! <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> (getting annoyed) No, I don't think you're being helpful! I think <b> </b> you're being disruptive, and you make it very difficult for your friend here to <b> </b> improve his life! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! I'm trying to prevent my friend from becoming one of those guys <b> </b> people snicker at behind their back, because they look ridiculous! No offence to <b> </b> you personally! <b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> (angry) All you people with hair think you're so damn superior! You <b> </b> have no idea what it's like. You ever look down in the bottom of your tub and <b> </b> see a fist fulla hair? How'd you like to start your day with that?! (looks ready <b> </b> to punch Jerry) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right! Take it easy! Take it easy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (leaps to feet) Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Please. (sits again) <b> </b> The door opens and Gary enters. He's humming to himself. <b> </b><b> GARY </b> Hey Jerry, th... (spots George) George, you decided to get a rug! Good for <b> </b><b> </b> you, Jack! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I'm, I'm just looking. <b> </b><b> GARY </b> Oh. (to salesman) Uh, Tommy, I'm gonna need a little adjustment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> SALESMAN </b> I'll be right with you. <b> </b> The salesman/Tommy leaves. <b> </b><b> GARY </b> Listen, George, I got some bad news. I'm not gonna be able to give you <b> </b><b> </b> that parking space. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What? <b> </b><b> GARY </b> This judge has to use it for some scofflaw. And you know you can't fight <b> </b> City Hall. <b> </b> Jerry gives a questioning look to George, who responds with a 'go ahead' <b> </b> expression. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, Gary (slams shut the door) I had a little chat with George the <b> </b><b> </b> other day... <b> </b><b> GARY </b> (to George) You didn't?! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (admiring himself in mirror) I did. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (advancing on Gary) ...and he told me that that... (becomes indistinct) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> We see George continuing to admire himself as, off-camera, Gary and Jerry are <b> </b> heard struggling for possession of Gary's wig. <b> </b><b> GARY </b> (indistinct) I'm not a hundred percent recovered yet! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Gimme that thing! <b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> Typical number of customers. George enters, wearing his new toupee. One or two <b> </b> of the staff give him a glance. He looks around, and taps the counter by the <b> </b> cash register. A beautiful brunette sitting at the nearest table give him an <b> </b> admiring look. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How's your life? All right? <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> Yeah, not bad at all. <b> </b> She pushes the chair opposite her out from the table in an invitation for George <b> </b> to sit down. George looks pleasantly surprised by the beneficial effects of his <b> </b> hairpiece. <b> </b> (Press conference) <b> </b> Mr Lippman and Jake Jarmel are on a small stage with a lectern. In front of it <b> </b> are a group of reporters and, amongst them sits Elaine. <b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> (at lectern) And now, uh, ladies and gentlemen of the press, it is my <b> </b> pleasure to introduce you to Mr Jake Jarmel. (he applauds Jake as he vacates the <b> </b> lectern in his favour) <b> </b> There is a brief ripple of applause as Jake steps up to take questions. <b> </b><b> </b><b> REPORTER </b> So Jake, what's your percentage on this book? <b> </b><b> </b> Several of the reporters laugh, as does Jake. Mr Lippman steps back to the <b> </b> lectern. He has some notes, and is extracting his glasses from his pocket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> Oh, actually I, uh, I have some very interesting information on that. <b> </b> (puts on glasses) You know, uh, this is a co-venture and as... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JAKE </b> (notices glasses) Where did you get those? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> ... as such, it... <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> Those glasses, where did you get those glasses? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LIPPMAN </b> (confused) Where... what? <b> </b><b> JAKE </b> (to Elaine) Is this supposed to be some kind of a joke on me? Because it's <b> </b><b> </b> not very funny. (to the nonplussed Lippman) Give me those! (yelling) I want the <b> </b> glasses! Give me those! <b> </b> He tries to pull them from Lippman's face, and a struggle ensues. Jake can be <b> </b> heard demanding the glasses. The reporters endeavour to get a view of the noisy <b> </b> fracas. Elaine rises and begins to make her way toward the exit. She is <b> </b> apologetic to her neighbour. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (mouths) 'Scuse me. Have to go (audible) look for some socks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Scofflaw Script

1995-02-16

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE KISS HELLO </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now, I was thinking the other day about hair, and that the weird thing about it, is that people will touch other people's hair. You will actually kiss another human being, right on the head. But, if one of those hairs should somehow be able to get out of that skull, and go off on its own, it is now the vilest, most disgusting thing that you can encounter. The same hair. People freak out. (horrified) "There was a hair, in the egg salad!" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> George sits on the couch with a newspaper, Jerry stands. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Say it's Saturday night in Spain. They go out dancing. You <b> </b><b> </b> think they do the flamenco? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I would think. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So you could call a woman for a date, ask her if she's free for <b> </b><b> </b> Dinner and a flamenco? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (scoffs) You don't flamenco on the first date. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Boy, I wish the flamenco was popular here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? Would you do it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, I think I would. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, I knew you'd have an affinity for it, because it's the <b> </b><b> </b> dance of a very proud people. <b> </b> The phone rings. Jerry answers. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. (listens) Oh, hi Nana. (listens) What? Oh. Oh, alright, okay. Don't worry about it. (listens) Okay, I'll see you later. Alright, bye. <b> </b><b> </b> He hangs up the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have to go over to my grandmother's. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What for? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I have to open a bottle of ketchup for her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, what, no lunch? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, we have time. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh. How's she doing? <b> </b> George rises, and he and Jerry collect their jackets and make their way <b> </b><b> </b> to the door. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, she's starting to slip a little. Sometimes she has <b> </b><b> </b> Difficulty distinguishing between the past and the present. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ah. You know, there's gotta be an easier way to open ketchups. They should make it in a tube. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like toothpaste? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya-hah. <b> </b> Jerry and George leave. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Jerry and George stroll along, continuing their conversation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's a squeeze ketchup. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I've seen squeeze mustard. I've never seen squeeze ketchup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, if they make squeeze mustard, doesn't it stand to reason <b> </b><b> </b> that they make squeeze ketchup? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Not necessarily. Mustard lends itself to the squeeze. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I really don't see the difference. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, there's a difference. It's subtle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's subtle. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hey uh, isn't Elaine supposed to meet us? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (looking ahead) Yeah, there she is. Uh-oh. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b> They stop walking. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, she's with her friend Wendy. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wendy? Is that the uh, physical therapist? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. I'm on a kiss hello program with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Really? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Every time I see her, I gotta kiss her hello. I just did <b> </b><b> </b> it once, on her birthday, somehow it mushroomed. Now I dread seeing her because <b> </b><b> </b> of it. <b> </b> Jerry smiles and waves to Elaine, who is approaching with Wendy. Elaine <b> </b><b> </b> Waves back. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (from a distance) Hey. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, I'm down to one kiss hello. My aunt Sylvia. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, that's fortunate. I really admire that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (surprise) Huh. I never heard you say you admire me for <b> </b><b> </b> anything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I told you I admire your hearing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> George waves away the compliment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, don't slough that off, you have great hearing. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and George walk and meet Elaine and Wendy. Wendy greets Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> with a kiss on the cheek, which he's not happy about. Wendy is attractive, but has <b> </b><b> </b> a real old-fashioned fifties-style hairdo. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to Wendy) Wendy, George. (to George) Wendy. <b> </b><b> </b> Wendy and George shake hands. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're uh, physical therapist, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Yes. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, I got this little swelling right here. (rolls up his <b> </b><b> </b> sleeve to expose his wrist) It's kinda painful. What d'you make of it? <b> </b><b> </b> Wendy takes a brief glance at George's proffered limb. Elaine isn't <b> </b><b> </b> happy that George is bothering Wendy. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (warning) George. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Have you tried heat and ice on it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (reluctant) Oh that uh, that seems like a lotta trouble. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Well, you could come by my office later, I could work on it for <b> </b><b> </b> you a little. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (happy) Oh! Okay. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Let me give you my card. <b> </b> Wendy fishes in her bag and hands a card to George. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, thank you. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Well, I'll see you guys later. (to George) Nice meeting you. Bye <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Bye Wendy. I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Bye Jerry. <b> </b> Wendy walks away down the street. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bye. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (slapping George on the arm) What did you do that for? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pinching George's arm) Ask about your arm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Monk's) <b> </b> George, Jerry and Elaine enter. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal <b> </b><b> </b> with that outside of the office. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b> The trio sit down in a booth. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Because, it is what she does. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I love these people, you can't ask 'em questions. (getting <b> </b><b> </b> excited) They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius <b> </b><b> </b> Unless it's in the confines of an office. (worked up) When huge sums of money <b> </b><b> </b> are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> George, you got a little something, right here. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine indicates underneath George's nostrils. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (wiping the area with a hand) People think they're so <b> </b><b> </b> important... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (adamant) Well, I'm going on record right now that that was my <b> </b><b> </b> last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, you know, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I <b> </b><b> </b> don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but <b> </b><b> </b> one step at a time. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (regarding the menu) What're you getting? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Elaine) And what's with that hairdo, by the way? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh, yeah, I know. It's not very flattering. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She looks like something out of an old high school yearbook. You <b> </b><b> </b> Should say something to her. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, I could never say anything to her about that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. Kramer's the only person who could say something like <b> </b><b> </b> that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. Hah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, just tell Kramer to tell her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. If you tell him to do it, he'll never do it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What you have to do is introduce him, and then he'll just come <b> </b><b> </b> out with it. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (sharp intake of breath) Hoh. Yes, yes, you're right. That's <b> </b><b> </b> right. I'll bring her over to meet... <b> </b> Kramer enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to Kramer) ...Kramer. <b> </b> Kramer strolls over to the table. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hello, boys and girls. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Speak of the devil. <b> </b> Kramer sits at the table. Elaine starts to peruse her menu, as Kramer <b> </b><b> </b> speaks to Jerry. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. Hey listen, I uh, I need a picture of you, buddy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What for? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm uh, I'm putting everybody's picture up in the lobby <b> </b><b> </b> of our building. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> So everyone will know everybody's name. See, people are gonna <b> </b><b> </b> be a lot friendlier. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (reluctant) I, I don't want my picture plastered up in the <b> </b><b> </b> lobby. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Imagine walking by someone on the floor, and you say "Hey, <b> </b><b> </b> Carl!" and he <b> </b> says "Hey, Jerry!" You see, that's the kind of society I wanna live in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (still reluctant) Kramer, I don't wanna stop and talk with <b> </b><b> </b> everyone, every time I go in the building. I just wanna nod and be on my way. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (to Elaine) You know your eyeliner's smudged a little. Why do <b> </b><b> </b> you wear so much eye makeup? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (to Jerry, indicating Kramer) Yeah. This is gonna work out just <b> </b><b> </b> fine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Nana's Apartment) <b> </b> Leo is in the living room, speaking with Nana, who's in another room. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> Ma! Again with the ketchup? Don't they have 'em in the plastic <b> </b><b> </b> Squeeze containers? <b> </b> There is a knock at the door. Leo opens it, to reveal Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> (traditional greeting) Jerry! Hello! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello, uncle Leo! <b> </b><b> LEO </b> What're you doing here? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nana called me to open the ketchup bottle. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> Yeah, me too. <b> </b> Nana enters with a bottle of ketchup. <b> </b><b> NANA </b> Hello Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Nana. <b> </b> There's a brief pause, as Leo waits for something. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Aren't you gonna kiss her hello? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. (kisses Nana) Yes of course. <b> </b><b> NANA </b> Ha, well, here's the bottle. <b> </b> Nana holds out the ketchup. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> (grabbing the bottle) I'll do it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (also grabbing) What're you doing, I got it. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Leo begin to struggle for possession of the ketchup. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> Give it to me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Will you stop it. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Jerry, will you give me the bottle? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uncle Leo! (releasing his grip) Alright! Take it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> NANA </b> You should let Buddy open it. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Buddy? He lived next door to us forty-five years ago. <b> </b><b> </b> Leo hands the ketchup back to Nana. <b> </b><b> NANA </b> Leo, did you give Helen the fifty dollars? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LEO </b> What fifty dollars? <b> </b><b> NANA </b> Your father won a thousand dollars at the track last week, and he <b> </b><b> </b> gave you a hundred, and you were supposed to give fifty dollars to your sister. <b> </b><b> </b> Nana walks away out of the room again. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> Ma, dad died in nineteen-sixty-two. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry is staring at Leo, with an expression of suspicion. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> (laughing off Nana's confusion) Believe me. I don't owe your <b> </b><b> </b> mother fifty dollars. <b> </b> Leo continues to force out laughter, and Jerry continues his look of <b> </b><b> </b> mistrust. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Lobby, Jerry's Building) <b> </b> Elaine and Jerry wait by the elevator. Jerry is speaking to the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> building super. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm just not getting any hot water. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JULIO </b> Hey, believe me, I know there's nothing worse than when your <b> </b><b> </b> shower's not working. I'm gonna take care of it as soon as I can, Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks, Julio. <b> </b><b> JULIO </b> Awright. <b> </b> Julio walks away as the elevator arrives. Jerry and Elaine step aboard. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Kramer is rooting through a drawer, searching for something. The door <b> </b><b> </b> opens and Jerry and Elaine enter. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Huh? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (surprised) Hey, hey hey hey. Hello! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's going on here? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (evasive) Ohh, nothing, nothing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (suspicious) Well, then what're you doing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I, I need a pen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What for? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm making out my will. Oh, I got a big slice of dough <b> </b><b> </b> for you, buddy. And you too, Elaine, I haven't forgotten you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (accusingly) You're looking for a picture of me, aren't you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You got that straight. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told you, forget it. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, come on, Jerry. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn't <b> </b><b> </b> have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don't rob somebody, if <b> </b><b> </b> you know their name! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're robbing me. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I'm gonna get your picture, and you're gonna participate <b> </b><b> </b> in my program. <b> </b> Kramer heads out the door, but Elaine intercepts him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wha... W.. Are you going home? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, could you come back in about five minutes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No reason. (big smile) Just wanna see you again. <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer smiles at this. He exits, but turns to flash the smile at Elaine <b> </b><b> </b> as he crosses the hall to his apartment. After Kramer goes into his place, <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine shuts the door of Jerry's apartment. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (removing his coat) So? Are you sure Wendy's coming? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, she'll be here any second. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, this'll be a very interesting experiment to see if Kramer <b> </b><b> </b> Says something. You sure you wanna go through with this? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Listen, Jerry. She never dates, and I know it's because of her <b> </b><b> </b> hair. <b> </b> The phone rings, and Jerry picks up. Elaine removes her coat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. Oh, hi mom. Yeah, I was at Nana's yesterday. I had to <b> </b><b> </b> help her open a ketchup bottle. Hey, mom, let me ask you a question. Do you <b> </b><b> </b> remember when you were a kid, your father winning like a thousand dollars at the <b> </b><b> </b> track? (listens) Really? Did you know he gave uncle Leo a hundred dollars, and <b> </b><b> </b> he was supposed to give you fifty? (listens) How do I know? Because Nana <b> </b><b> </b> doesn't know what year it is, and she thinks this just happened. (listens) Well, I <b> </b><b> </b> think you should. Okay, bye. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The Seinfeld's Place, Florida) <b> </b> Morty and Helen in the kitchen. Morty has a pencil and pad and a pocket <b> </b><b> </b> calculator out, doing some work. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Do you know what the interest on that fifty dollars comes to <b> </b><b> </b> Over fifty-three years? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh, Morty, please. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Six hundred and sixty-three dollars and forty-five cents. And <b> </b><b> </b> that's figuring conservatively at five percent interest, over fifty-three <b> </b><b> </b> years, compounded quarterly. Or, if you put it into a ten-year T-bill... <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Morty, will you stop it! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> (determined) Well, he's not getting away with this! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry by the kitchen. The buzzer sounds, and Jerry answers. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Wendy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. <b> </b> Elaine enters from the bathroom. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, this is it. Shall I go get Kramer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No no, he'll come in. Well, this is gonna be my first <b> </b><b> </b> opportunity to not kiss her hello. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What is the big deal about putting your lips on somebody's <b> </b><b> </b> face? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's the obligation, you know? As soon as this person comes in, <b> </b><b> </b> you know you have to do this. I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast as part <b> </b><b> </b> of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little better. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> How 'bout an intercourse hello? How would that be? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine, now you're being ridiculous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> There's a knock at the door. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (indicating) That's her. That's her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry holds up his hands, indicating he wants a few seconds to prepare. <b> </b><b> </b> He goes to the refrigerator, and indicates Elaine should let Wendy inside. <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine opens the door and Wendy enters. <b> </b><b> ELAINE/WENDY </b> Hi/Hey. <b> </b> Jerry has the door of the fridge open, and his head is inside the <b> </b><b> </b> appliance. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (muffled) Hi Wendy. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Oh, hi Jerry. <b> </b> Wendy wanders over to the fridge. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (muffled) Would you like something to drink? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Sure. <b> </b> Jerry holds out his arm, with a bottle in his hand. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (muffled) There you go. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> (taking the bottle) Ah. <b> </b> Jerry starts to withdraw his head from the fridge, and Wendy is poised <b> </b><b> </b> for the kiss hello. But, just as he turns to face her, he opens the freezer <b> </b><b> </b> compartment and the door blocks her approach. Wendy walks away to the couch. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, look at that. I'm almost outta Klondike bars. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry peers around the edge of the door, to see if the coast is clear. <b> </b><b> </b> Finding <b> </b> that it is, he closes the various doors of the fridge. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, how's everything going? <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Oh, okay. Oh, your friend George came by the office the other <b> </b><b> </b> day, and then yesterday he cancelled on me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, yeah, he had to take his mother to the chiropodist. <b> </b><b> </b> There is a clunk in the hallway, as of Kramer's door opening. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, you hear that? That must be Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's door opens and Kramer enters. He's holding a polaroid camera. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! Jerry! <b> </b> Jerry turns at the call of his name, and Kramer fires off a quick shot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> C'mon, that's not fair! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I told you I was gonna get it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, c'mon Kramer. (crossing to Kramer) Gimme that picture. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (holding the picture away from Jerry) Aagh. No no no no no. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (throws up his hands) Alright, fine. Put my picture up. What do <b> </b><b> </b> I care? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh, Kramer. Kramer, I'd like you to meet my friend Wendy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hello. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> (holds out her hand) Hi. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (shaking hands) Yeah. <b> </b> Kramer does looks at Wendy, and something intrigues him. He turns away, <b> </b><b> </b> Then back again, unable to take his eyes off her hair. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (points) You know, I really like that hairdo. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry and Elaine both look surprised and let-down by Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WENDY </b> (flattered) Oh. Thank you. I actually was thinking it might be <b> </b><b> </b> time for a change. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (hopeful) Oh, you were? <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Well, I... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (interrupting) Oh, no no no. You don't wanna do that. No no. <b> </b><b> </b> Nobody wears it like that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Kramer, if she wants to change her hair... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, no. you'd be a damn fool to change it. It's very becoming. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Oh, well. <b> </b> Kramer raises his camera to take a picture of Wendy and her hair. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WENDY </b> (laughs, flattered) Oh, ho. <b> </b> Kramer presses the button and nothing happens. He turns the camera up, <b> </b><b> </b> to look at the front of it and it chooses to fire at that moment, dazzling <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer with the flash. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Wendy's Car) <b> </b> Wendy drives, Elaine in the passenger seat. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> So, who's that friend of yours? That guy that came in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Kramer. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Yeah. Does he have a girlfriend? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You wanna go out with him? <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Well, why not? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, it's just that... uh, I don't... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WENDY </b> What, is there anything wrong with him? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Elaine stares off for several seconds, with a faraway look in her eyes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'm just thinking about the question. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (ProFitness Physical Therapy Center) <b> </b> George is at the counter with his cheque book. He's moving his wrist and <b> </b><b> </b> Lower arm, clearly much more comfortable. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You know, my arm feels a lot better. That Wendy really knows <b> </b><b> </b> her stuff. (he writes out a cheque) <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> (perky) She is super. Same time tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (tearing out cheque) Yeah, same time. (hands over cheque) There <b> </b><b> </b> you go. <b> </b> George heads for the door. The receptionist looks at George's cheque <b> </b><b> </b> and finds it's not up to scratch. <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Oh. Ah, you owe a hundred and fifty. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What for? <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Well, you cancelled on Tuesday, and our policy is <b> </b><b> </b> "twenty-four hours notice, for all cancellations". <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (agitated) Well, I, I couldn't come. I, I had to drive my <b> </b><b> </b> mother to, to the chiropodist. <b> </b> Wendy enters, carrying a file. She overhears. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> What's the problem? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (harassed) Are you aware that I'm being charged for Tuesday's <b> </b><b> </b> appointment? I had to take my mother to the chiropodist. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Well, I'm sorry, that's our policy. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Wendy walks out, into another room. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (after Wendy and to the receptionist) Oh, you have a policy! <b> </b><b> </b> (to the world at large) The delicate genius has a policy! <b> </b> George heads for the door. <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> So. Will you be here tomorrow? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, it's less than twenty-four hours, so I guess I have to! <b> </b><b> </b> George leaves, slamming the door behind him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Lobby, Jerry's Building) <b> </b> Kramer has covered one wall of the lobby with photographs of the <b> </b><b> </b> tenants. They're all labeled with the appropriate name in magic marker. Kramer <b> </b><b> </b> is just completing Jerry's name underneath the Polaroid he took earlier. Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> and Elaine enter from the street. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey! (indicating photos) So what d'you think? You like it? <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine seems generally positive, Jerry's not so enamoured, especially <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> by his own picture. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh my god! Look at that picture, it's terrible... <b> </b><b> </b> The Polaroid has caught Jerry with his mouth hanging open and his eyes <b> </b><b> </b> wide. It's not flattering in the slightest. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...You can't put that picture up. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, it's not a beauty contest. It's just a way for people to <b> </b><b> </b> get to <b> </b> know one another. <b> </b> The elevator opens and a guy (Steve) steps out. He points to Kramer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> STEVE </b> Hey Cosmo. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey... <b> </b> Kramer turns to the wall of pictures, searches around for the face and <b> </b><b> </b> then <b> </b> points back. Steve makes his way to the door as Kramer speaks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...Steve. (to Jerry) Ah, you see? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey Kramer, my friend Wendy wants to go out with you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (interested) Well, how do you do? <b> </b> A woman (Mary) has entered from the street. She stands behind Jerry and <b> </b><b> </b> Looks through Kramer's gallery of tenants. <b> </b><b> MARY </b> Hello, (finds the right photo) Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh. Hello, uh (looks for and finds the photo) Mary. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARY </b> You know, I've seen you so many times and now we can finally talk <b> </b><b> </b> to each other. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (keen) What was I telling you? Isn't this nice? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (not really) Yeah. <b> </b><b> MARY </b> Jerry. You know, could you help me with a package? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, sure, yeah. <b> </b><b> MARY </b> Thank you. <b> </b> Mary leans across and gives Jerry a quick kiss on the cheek, then makes <b> </b><b> </b> her way toward the door. Elaine is giggling gleefully at Jerry's discomfiture. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, no! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine enter. Jerry mad, and Elaine still giggling. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You see? That's just what I need. More kissing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughs) Hee, hee, hee. Hee hee hee... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is so funny? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Nothing, nothing. (laughs out loud) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> The phone rings and Jerry picks up. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. Oh, hi mom. (listens) What? Oh my... He didn't?! He <b> </b><b> </b> couldn't! (listens) Alright, I will. (listens) Okay, bye. <b> </b> Jerry hangs up the phone, and turns to Elaine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (aghast) Uncle Leo put Nana in a home! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (suspicious) I don't know. Maybe to keep her quiet. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Lobby, Jerry's Building) <b> </b> Jerry is collecting his mail from his mailbox. A woman (Joan) enters <b> </b><b> </b> And immediately goes for the kiss hello. She's friendly and overfamiliar. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JOAN </b> Hi Jerry. (she kisses Jerry) Mmmwah. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (not as eager) Hi Joan. <b> </b><b> JOAN </b> How you doing? <b> </b> Jerry backs away toward the elevator. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pretty good. <b> </b><b> JOAN </b> Just pretty good? Not great? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, great. <b> </b><b> JOAN </b> Are you happy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm delighted. <b> </b><b> JOAN </b> Okay. Have a nice day. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You too. <b> </b> The elevator comes down, the door opens and another woman (Louise) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> emerges, with a big friendly smile for Jerry. <b> </b><b> LOUISE </b> Hi Jerry. <b> </b> Louise also kisses the less than happy looking Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, Louise. <b> </b> Louise walks on and the unhappy Jerry enters the elevator. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry has just arrived with his mail. The door opens and Kramer darts <b> </b><b> </b> into the room. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, well. Thank you very much! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> For what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (agitated) For putting my picture up on that wall! I'm like <b> </b><b> </b> Richard Dawson down there now. And every person I see engages me in this long, <b> </b><b> </b> boring, tedious, conversation. I can't even get out of the building! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You should be thanking me for liberating you from your world of <b> </b><b> </b> loneliness and isolation. Now, you're part of a family. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Family? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle <b> </b><b> </b> Pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother in <b> </b><b> </b> nineteen-forty-one, and my uncle put my nana in a home to try and shut <b> </b><b> </b> her up! And I tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever you wanna be <b> </b><b> </b> called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and I don't care what <b> </b><b> </b> the consequences are. <b> </b> As Jerry reaches the end of his emphatic declaration, Kramer takes <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry's head in his hands, leans in and plants a big kiss right on Jerry's lips. <b> </b><b> </b> Halfway through the kiss, the door opens and George half-enters. Kramer <b> </b><b> </b> releases Jerry, who stands bug-eyed with shock. George stands silently in the doorway, <b> </b><b> </b> he looks from Jerry to Kramer, with a thoughtful expression. Biting his lips, <b> </b><b> </b> George slowly backs out of the door and closes it behind him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre) <b> </b> George enters, and the receptionist spots him. <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Oh, hi. Mister Costanza, we were trying to get in touch <b> </b><b> </b> with you. Wendy can't make her appointment. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What d'you mean? <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> She had some personal affair she had to attend to. I left <b> </b><b> </b> A message on your machine. You didn't get it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> When did you leave the message? <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Few hours ago. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pointedly) Oh, I'm sorry, I require twenty-four hours notice <b> </b><b> </b> for a cancellation. Now, as I see it, you owe me seventy-five dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> Look, Mister Costanza... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Will that be cash, or cheque? <b> </b> George gives an exaggerated wink. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Wendy's Car) <b> </b> Wendy driving into New York at night with Elaine as passenger. Elaine <b> </b><b> </b> is wearing much of her ski gear - woolly hat, with goggles on top of her head, and <b> </b><b> </b> there are ski poles on the back seat. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> I am really glad I took the day off. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, yeah, there's nothing better than skiing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Yeah. I hope my clients weren't too upset. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Ugh, the hell with 'em. <b> </b> Wendy and Elaine share a laugh. Wendy then starts to pull the car over <b> </b><b> </b> to the side of the road. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What're you stopping here for? <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> I'm dropping you off. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pointing) Oh, no, I'm three more blocks. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Yeah, but if I take you to your door, then I have to go all the <b> </b><b> </b> Way around Central Park West, back to Columbus, you know it's all one <b> </b><b> </b> way... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, but it's only three blocks. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Right. It's only three blocks. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (unbuckling her seatbelt) Alright, well... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Elaine struggles along the sidewalk at night with her ski gear in her <b> </b><b> </b> arms. She's not finding it easy fighting with the uncomfortable bulk of skis, <b> </b><b> </b> poles, boots, etc.. Eventually she drops the boots and, rather than pick them <b> </b><b> </b> up, simply kicks them along in front of her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Street) <b> </b> Jerry and Elaine walk together. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She'd driven me a hundred and twenty miles and, all of a <b> </b><b> </b> sudden, three blocks from my door, she decides this trip is over. Isn't that strange? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, it's very strange. Very strange. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I've never heard of anything like this. I mean, it's almost as <b> </b><b> </b> if I was hitch-hiking and she says "Well, this is as far as I can take you." <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I tell you. If you were hitch-hiking, you'd never get into a car <b> </b><b> </b> With someone with a hairdo like that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I had to carry my skis, and my boots and my poles. I think I <b> </b><b> </b> pinched a nerve in my shoulder. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You should have her work on it for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, alright, I gotta go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Lobby, Jerry's Building) <b> </b> Jerry enters his building. Mary spots him from across the lobby and <b> </b><b> </b> closes for a kiss hello. <b> </b><b> MAR </b> Hi Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Mary. <b> </b> Jerry backs away from the kiss with so much effort that he's up against <b> </b><b> </b> The mailboxes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, listen. I decided I can't kiss hello anymore. I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> </b> It's nothing personal.... <b> </b> Mary looks upset by Jerry's outburst. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...It just makes me a little uncomfortable and I can't do it. <b> </b><b> </b> I'm sorry. <b> </b> The door to the street opens and Louise enters, also friendly and <b> </b><b> </b> aiming for the kiss hello. <b> </b><b> LOU </b> Hi Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Louise... <b> </b> Jerry backs sharply away from Louise as she leans in for the kiss. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...I was just telling Mary how I'm not gonna be doing the kiss <b> </b><b> </b> Hello thing anymore. (continues backing away) I'm sorry. I just can't do it. <b> </b><b> </b> It's nothing personal, it's just I'm not really able to do it and uh, I'm <b> </b><b> </b> sorry. <b> </b> Jerry backs into the elevator. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (as the elevator doors close) Thank you for your cooperation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's Apartment/The Seinfeld's Place, Florida) <b> </b> Jerry answers the phone. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Jerry? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi mom. So, what's happening with uncle Leo? Is he paying you? <b> </b><b> </b> In Florida, Helen is on the phone and Morty is still working out <b> </b><b> </b> figures with a pad and a calculator. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well, he said no. He said we had no proof. <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> No proof? We'll get him. He's a crook, sooner or later, he'll <b> </b><b> </b> slip up. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Uh, anyway, I want you to go check on Nana at the home. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Okay, I will. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> D'you realise, an above-average performing growth mutual fund <b> </b><b> </b> For fifty-three years... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry and Kramer emerge from their apartments. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What's up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (locking his door) Oh, I gotta go visit my nana in the nursing <b> </b><b> </b> home. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh. <b> </b> They walk together down the hall. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Lobby, Jerry's Building) <b> </b> The elevator doors open and Jerry and Kramer come out. Something on the <b> </b><b> </b> Wall opposite catches Jerry's eye. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Kramer, look at this. <b> </b> Jerry points and walks over to Kramer's gallery, Kramer following. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at my picture! <b> </b> The photograph has been crudely vandalised with a magic marker. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> 'Grade-A Dork' has been written on the forehead, whiskers, spots, horns and a wormlike <b> </b><b> </b> tongue added and teeth blacked out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I've been defaced! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, don't you worry buddy. I made double prints. <b> </b><b> </b> Behind Kramer a guy (Jack) has entered the building. Jack walks up <b> </b><b> </b> behind Kramer and slaps him on the shoulder in a friendly fashion. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JACK </b> Hey. Hi Cosmo. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, hey, Jack. How you doing? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi Jack. <b> </b> Jack gives Jerry an unfriendly look and walks to the elevator without <b> </b><b> </b> replying. Julio comes out of the elevator, and Jerry walks over to ask him <b> </b><b> </b> something. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Julio. I was wondering, could you get to that shower today, <b> </b><b> </b> You think? <b> </b><b> JULIO </b> Oh, I see. When you need something done, you're very friendly to <b> </b><b> </b> people, huh? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (defensive) No no, that's not true! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JULIO </b> (accusing) Well, I think it is! It's a big building, Seinfeld, <b> </b><b> </b> maybe I'll get to it someday. After I take care of the people who're civil to each <b> </b><b> </b> other. <b> </b> Julio stalks away. Jerry swings to give Kramer a look. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Knollridge Nursing Home) <b> </b> Jerry is talking with a nurse on the porch. <b> </b><b> NURSE </b> Yeah, she's upstairs, playing cards. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, she really doesn't belong here. My uncle put her here, <b> </b><b> </b> Because he's trying to prove he doesn't owe my mother fifty dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> NURSE </b> Well, she seems very happy. She met an old friend who used to <b> </b><b> </b> live next door to her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Buddy? <b> </b><b> NURSE </b> Yes, that's his name. He's right over there. <b> </b><b> </b> The nurse indicates an elderly guy with a white moustache, wearing a <b> </b><b> </b> cap and reading a newspaper on a bench outside. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre) <b> </b> George is talking with Wendy at the counter. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> (smiling) I'm sorry, I don't owe you anything. I had some <b> </b><b> </b> personal <b> </b> business that day. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (irascible) Oh, I see. So your time is more valuable than mine. <b> </b><b> </b> Is that it? You're a delicate genius! <b> </b> Behind George, Elaine has slipped in the door. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> A delicate genius? <b> </b> George spots Elaine. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Elaine? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (surprised) George! <b> </b> George stalks past Elaine and exits. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (leaving) Hah. Good luck. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> What's going on? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (feeling her arm) Wendy, I injured my shoulder, Wednesday, when <b> </b><b> </b> You dropped me off and I had to carry my skis, and my boots, and my poles <b> </b><b> </b> and everything, all the way home. I'm, I'm having trouble lifting my arm. <b> </b><b> </b> Do you think you could give me some treatment? <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Oh sure. You have insurance, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (shocked) Insurance? You're charging me? <b> </b><b> </b> Behind Elaine, George is standing in the open door <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wednesday? That's your personal business?! (stalks over to the <b> </b><b> </b> counter) Skiing?! (angry) So let people suffer, while you're shushing all over a <b> </b><b> </b> mountain? <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> How did you hear that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I hear everything. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> I mean, why don't you two just take your business elsewhere, <b> </b><b> </b> hmm? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, huh huh, that is a good idea. C'mon George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. Let's go. <b> </b> Elaine and George, united, head for the door. AS they get there, Elaine <b> </b><b> </b> turns to deliver her parting shot. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (pointedly) And you know, you might wanna do something about <b> </b><b> </b> that hair. <b> </b><b> WENDY </b> Why, what's wrong with my hair? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Huh, I think it's a little old-fashioned. Don't you? (to <b> </b><b> </b> receptionist) Uh, tell her. <b> </b><b> RECEPTIONIST </b> She's right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Nursing Home) <b> </b> Jerry and Buddy sit on the bench, reminiscing. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you were with him that day at the track? <b> </b><b> </b><b> BUDDY </b> Oh yeah. He won a thousand dollars. His son was there too. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Leo? <b> </b><b> BUDDY </b> Yeah, that's it. Leo. Ooh, what an obnoxious little kid. He used <b> </b><b> </b> to steal my soda bottles. and cash 'em in for the deposits, uh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that so? <b> </b><b> BUDDY </b> And, after your grandfather hit the daily double, he gave him a <b> </b><b> </b> Hundred dollars, and told him to give fifty to his sister. His sister? Why I <b> </b><b> </b> tell you he shoulda give it to me for all the bottles he took! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, that's very interesting. <b> </b> Just then, uncle Leo strolls up the path to the nursing home. Jerry <b> </b><b> </b> spots his arrival. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (standing) Uncle Leo! I just met an old acquaintance of yours. <b> </b><b> </b> (indicates Buddy) You remember Buddy. He just told me quite a story about you and <b> </b><b> </b> Grandpa at the track. <b> </b> Leo's caught out, and looks worried. <b> </b><b> LEO </b> (defensive) One second... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (with a triumphant point) You're busted! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Lobby, Jerry's Building) <b> </b> Jerry enters from the street. Steve is in the lobby, collecting his <b> </b><b> </b> mail. Jerry decides to be friendly. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Steve. How you doing? <b> </b> Steve turns to Jerry, gives him a disdainful look, and turns away <b> </b><b> </b> again. Another guy (Jeff) approaches from within the building. Jerry tries the <b> </b><b> </b> friendly approach again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, Jeff. What's happening? <b> </b> Jeff completely blanks Jerry and goes to get his mail. Jerry spots Mary <b> </b><b> </b> over by Kramer's gallery wall, and walks across to her. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mary! Oh, Mary! Give us a kiss. <b> </b> Mary moves to avoid Jerry. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Don't be like that, Mary. C'mon, I made a mistake! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MARY </b> (contemptuous) Look, why don't you do everybody a favour, and <b> </b><b> </b> just get out of this building? (angry) Nobody wants you here. Nobody! <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry looks downcast. Mary walks over to the mailboxes, where she <b> </b><b> </b> greets Jeff and Steve. <b> </b><b> JEFF </b> Hi Mary. <b> </b><b> MARY </b> Hi Jeff. How are you? <b> </b> Mary and Jeff kiss hello. <b> </b><b> MARY </b> Hi Pete. How you doing? <b> </b> Mary and Pete kiss hello. <b> </b><b> PETE </b> Hey, let's go get some coffee. <b> </b><b> JEFF </b> Great idea. <b> </b><b> MARY </b> Oh, that'd be great. <b> </b> The three of them exit together chatting happily, watched by a rueful <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry. Jerry looks at his photo on the wall and adjusts it so it's straight. <b> </b><b> </b> Then Jerry notices the elevator is about to go up, so he asks a favour of the <b> </b><b> </b> occupant as <b> </b> he crosses the lobby. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Paul, could you hold that door... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> But Paul makes no move to hold the door, which shuts in Jerry's face. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Hall Outside Kramer's Apartment) <b> </b> Jerry, wearing a bathrobe and with a towel round his neck, knocks at <b> </b><b> </b> Kramer's door. Kramer takes a quick peek through the peephole, then opens the <b> </b><b> </b> door. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey. Could I use your shower? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> What, again? You took one this morning. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pleading) I got a date. C'mon, please. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I know but I... (waves toward the interior of his apartment) <b> </b><b> </b> Little problem. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (leaning to look round Kramer) Wendy here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No no no. She changed her hairstyle, (pulls a face) it's <b> </b><b> </b> terrible. No, <b> </b> we're done. <b> </b> A happy looking guy pushes his way past Kramer and out of the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> apartment. <b> </b><b> GUY </b> I'll go get some more beer. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh yeah, yeah, great. (calling after the guy) And get some of <b> </b><b> </b> those blue corn chips. <b> </b> An attractive redheaded woman comes along the hallway. Kramer greets <b> </b><b> </b> Her approach. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey. <b> </b><b> STEFANIE </b> Hi Cosmo. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> STEFANIE </b> (kisses Kramer hello) Mmmwah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ooh, I like that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (impressed) Who's that? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Stefanie. 2-G. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh man. Looks like you got quite a few people here. <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry tries to see around Kramer into his apartment. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah yeah. Well uh, you know, I'd invite you in, but uhm... you know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (rueful acceptance) Oh, yeah, I understand. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Kramer closes the door, and Jerry can be seen peering through the narrowing gap until it shuts. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Kiss Hello Script