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1989-07-05

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> </b><b> GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You know, why we're here? To be out, this is out...and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People...did you ever hear people talking about "We should go out"? This is what they're talking about...this whole thing, we're all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, we're all out! There are people tryin' to find us, they don't know where we are. (imitates one of these people "tryin' to find us"; pretends his hand is a phone) "Did you ring?, I can't find him." (imitates other person on phone) "Where did he go?" (the first person again) "He didn't tell me where he was going". He must have gone out. You wanna go out: you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...There you're staring around, whatta you do? You go: "We gotta be getting back". Once you're out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta go. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Seems to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. (talking about George's shirt) The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it: it's too high! It's in no-man's-land, you look like you live with your mother. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are you through? (kind of irritated) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You do of course try on, when you buy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I don't actually recall considering the buttons. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, you don't recall? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (pretends he's talking into a microphone) Uh, no, not at this time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, senator, I just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it. (a waitress approaches the table) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Mister Seinfeld. (she pours coffee in his cup) Mister Costanza. (she wants to pour coffee, but George stops her) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Are, are you sure this is decaf? Where's the orange indicator? <b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> It's missing, I have to do it in my head: decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right...it's very challenging work. (ironically) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Can you relax, it's a cup of coffee, Claire is a professional waitress. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Trust me George: no one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine. (she pours the coffee and walks away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How come you're not doin' the second show tomorrow? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, there's this uh, woman might be comin' in. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman is coming in? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, you didn't! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I thought I told you about it, yes, she teaches political science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing...(looks in the milk can) There's no milk in here, what... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Wait wait wait, what is she, (takes the milk can from Jerry and puts it on the table) what is she like? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, she's really great. I mean, she's got like a real warmth about her and she's really bright and really pretty and uh...the conversation though, I mean, it was...talking with her is like talking with you, but, ya know, obviously much better. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (with a big smile) So, ya know, what, what happened? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, nothing happened, ya know, but it was great. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, nothing happened, but it was... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> This is great! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So, ya know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe we'll get together. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (whistles disapproving) Ho ho ho, "Had to"? "Had to come in"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> "Had to come in" and "maybe we'll get together"? "Had to" and "Maybe"? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No...no...no, I hate to tell you this: you're not gonna see this woman. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (indignant) What, are you serious...why, why did she call? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> How do I know, maybe, ya know, maybe she wanted to be polite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> To be polite? You are insane! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, all right, I didn't want to tell you this, you wanna know why she called you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're a back-up, you're a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan of contingency! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I get it, this is about the button. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (The waitress(Claire) passes the table; George stops her and writes something on his note-block) Claire, Claire, you're a woman, right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLAIRE </b> What gave it away, George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uhm...I'd like to ask you...ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, ya know, from a female point of view. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) Oh, come on now, what are you asking her? Now, how is she gonna know? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Claire) Now, a woman calls me, all right? She says she has to (makes some gestures to accent "has to") come to New York on business... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh you are beautiful! (ironically) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> and, and maybe (again some gestures) she'll see me when she gets there, does this woman intend to spend time with me? <b> </b><b> </b><b> CLAIRE </b> I'd have to say: uuhh, no. (George shows his note-block to Jerry, it says very largely: NO) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Claire) So why did she call? <b> </b><b> CLAIRE </b> To be polite. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> To be polite, I rest my case. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea, what you're talking about, now, come on, come with me (stands up), I, I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not gonna watch you do laundry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, come on, be a "come-with-guy". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Come on, I'm tired. <b> </b><b> CLAIRE </b> (to Jerry) Don't worry, I gave him a little caffeine: he'll perk up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes; panics) Right, I knew I felt something...! (Jerry is laughing, Claire walks away with a smile) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry? I have to tell ya somethin':...this is the dullest moment I've ever experienced. (walks away from the dryer; a man passes George and Jerry) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, look at this guy! Look, he's got everything, he's got: detergents, sprays, fabric softeners; this is not his first load. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I need a break, Jerry, ya know, I gotta get out of the city, I feel so cramped... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And you didn't even hear how she sounded. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Laura. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I can't believe: (falls on his knees) <b> WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but how could you be so sure? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (gets up) 'Cause it's signals, Jerry (starts snapping his fingers), it's signals! Don't you....all right. Did she even ask you, what you were doin' tomorrow night, if you were busy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> She calls you today and she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? It's Saturday night! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What is that? It's ridiculous! (Jerry bobs agreeingly) You don't even know, what hotel she's staying at, you can't call her. That's a signal, Jerry, that's a signal! (snaps his fingers again) Signal! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe you're right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Maybe I'm right? Of course I'm right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is insane. You know, I don't even know where she's staying! She, she's not gonna call me, this is unbelievable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (puts an arm around Jerry and whispers) I know, I know. (normal voice) Listen, your stuff has to be done by know, why don't you just see if it's dried? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No no no, don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what it's doing, just let it finish. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You're gonna "overdry" it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You, you can't "overdry". <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Same as you can't "overwet". (George looks puzzled) You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with dead: like once you die you're dead, right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you: you're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't "overdie", you can't "overdry". <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (looks at the other persons in the laundry and says to them pointing to Jerry) Any questions? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How could she not tell me where she was staying? (George stands by the dryer again and secretly opens it: the dryer stops working and George closes the lid) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (points to the dryer) Look at that: they're done! It's a miracle! (Jerry looks surprised) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Laundry-day" is the only exciting day in the live of clothes. It is...no, think about it: the washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. Ya know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kind a dancing around in there...shirt grabs the underwear: "C'mon babe, let's gather". You come by, you open up the lid and they'll: (shows how clothes are acting when you open the lid)...Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives, they're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers...the dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They knew a escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper, the night before: (sock's voice) "Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm goin'...you wait here!" The dryer-door swings open and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. They hope you don't see him and then he goes down the road (shows how the sock is going down the road). They got buttons sewed on their faces: join the puppet show...So they're showing me on television the detergent for getting out blood-stains...Is this a violent image to anybody? Blood-stains? I mean, I, come on, you got a T-shirt with blood-stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now...Maybe you oughta get the harpoon out your chest first. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (The phone rings. He picks it up and says:) If you know what happened in the Mets-game, don't say anything, I taped it, hello... Yeah, no, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number...Yeah, no (somebody knocks at the door) Yeah? (to the door, while still at the phone) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (enters) Are you up? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Kramer) Yeah...(in the phone) Yeah, people do move! Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem (hangs up the phone). <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (upset) Ooohhhh, what are you doing? Kramer, it's a tape! (actually I can't understand the name; maybe "Kramer" wasn't named "Kramer" in the pilot!) I taped the game, it's one o'clock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey, I'm sorry, I...ya know, I, I thought you knew...(takes two loaves of bread out of his pockets) You got any meat? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (a little irritated) Meat? I don't, I don't know, go...hunt! (Kramer walks to the refrigerator and sticks his head in) Well what, what happened in the game anyway? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (still with his head in the refrigerator) What happened? Well, they STUNK, that's what happened! (takes some meat from the refrigerator and closes it) Ya know, I almost wound up going to that game. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (cynical) Yeah you almost went to the game. You haven't been out of the building in ten years! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah. (Jerry sits down on the couch. Kramer sits down next to him and starts turning over the pages of a magazine. Suddenly he spots an article he likes and tears it out. Jerry looks at him with a "what-the-h...-are-you-doing-look" and Kramer asks:) Are you done with this? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (glues the article back with his own saliva and puts the magazine back on the table) When you're done, let me know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> I thought I wasn't allowed to be in here this weekend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's OK now, that, that girl is not comin' uh, I, I misread the whole thing. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You want me to talk to her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't think so. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you know that I was almost... a lawyer. (shows with his fingers how close it was) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That close, huh? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> You better believe it. (The phone rings. Jerry picks it up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hello...Oh, hi, Laura. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Give me it...let me talk to her (continues this way). <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (gestures Kramer to shut up) No believe me, I'm always up at this hour. How are you?...great...sure...What time does the plane get in?...I got my friend George to take me...(Kramer suddenly notices something in the Mets-game on <b> TV)... </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> A SLIDE!...Wow! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...No, it's, it's just my neighbour...uhm...yeah, I got it (takes a pencil and a cereal box to write on) ten-fifteen...No, don't be silly, go ahead and ask...Yeah, sure...OK, great, no no, it's no trouble at all...I'll see you tomorrow...great, bye. (hangs up the phone; to Kramer:) I, I don't believe it...That, that was her. She wants to stay here! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George enter, lifting a heavy mattress) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If my father was moving this he'd had to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way. (talks from now on like he has a cigarette in his mouth) Have you got your end?...Your end's got to come down first, easy now, drop it down...drop it down, your end's got to come down. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya know, I can't believe you're bringin' in an extra bed for woman, that wants to sleep with you. Why don't you bring in an extra guy too? (sits down) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (hands George a beer) Look, it's a very awkward situation, I, I don't wanna be presumptuous. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, all right, one more time, one more time! What was the EXACT phrasing of the request? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, she said she couldn't find a decent hotel- room... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A decent hotel-room... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, a decent hotel-room, would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You can't be serious. This is New York city: there must be eleven million decent hotel-rooms! Whatta ya need? A flag? (waves with his handkerchief) This is the signal, Jerry, this is the signal! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (cynical) This is the signal. Thank you, mister Signal, where were you yesterday? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I think I was affected by the caffeine. (suddenly a dog enters the apartment and jumps George at the couch) HO, HO, HO, GOOD DOG (etc.) <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (walks in behind the dog and closes the door) He really likes you, George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (ironically) Well, that's flattering. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (the dog runs to the bathroom and apparently starts drinking from the toilet) Oh, he's getting' a drink of water. (sees the mattress on the floor) Is this for that girl? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Why even give her an option? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is a person I like, it's not: "How to score on spring break". <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right, can we go? 'Cause I'm double-parked, I'm gonna get a ticket. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, OK. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I, I forgot to clean the bathroom. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> So what? That's good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now, how could that be good? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Because filth is good...Whatta you think: rock stars have sponges and ammonia lyin' around the bathroom? They, they have a woman comin' over: "I've gotta tidy up? Yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Always, ALWAYS do the opposite. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is how you operate? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, I wish. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Let me just wipe the sink. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (stands up from the couch and yells.) WHY EVEN GIVE HER AN OPTION FOR? (Jerry walks to the bathroom and closes the door; to George, while pointing to the mattress) It's unbelievable. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> ...How's the real estate-business? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...(surprised he asked) It's uh, not bad, it's comin' along...Why? Did you need something. <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Do you handle any of that commercial...real estate? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, I might be getting in to that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (slaps George on the arm) You keep me posted! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm aware of you, all right, let's go (opens the bathroom door), let's go! (Jerry and the dog come out) You're on stage in 25 minutes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The dating world is not a fun world...it's a pressure world, it's a world of tension, it's a world of pain...and ya know, if a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready, 'cause she needs things. Women need equipment. I don't know what they need. I know I don't have it, I know that...Ya know what they need, women seem to need a lot of cotton-balls. This is the one I'm, always has been one of the amazing things to me...I have no cotton-balls, we're all human beings, what is the story? I've never had one...I never bought one, I never needed one, I've never been in a situation, when I thought to myself: "I could use a cotton-ball right now"...I can certainly get out of this mess...Women need them and they don't need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags, they're like peat-moss bags, have you ever seen these giant bags? They're huge and two days later, they're out, they're gone, the, the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls, ladies? What are you doin' with them? The only time I ever see'em is in the bottom of your little waste basket, there's two or three, that look like they've been through some horrible experience... tortured, interrogated, I don't know what happened to them...I once went out with a girl who's left a little zip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls over my house. I don't know what to do with them, I took them out, I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town: "Let's move on"... The dating world is a world of pressure. Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job-interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it...ya know: "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position, why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be workin' with?". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Airport. Jerry and George are waiting for Laura) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman what she's thinkin'. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya know, instead, I'm like a detective: I've gotta pick up clues, the whole thing is a murder investigation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Listen, listen, don't get worked up, 'cause you're gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? How? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> 'Cause it's all in the greeting. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya know, anything in the, in the "lip-area" is good. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Lip-area". <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Ya know a hug: definitely good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hug is definitely good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Sure. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's so brutal, I hate that. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ya know how they do that? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> That's why, ya know, a shake is bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Shake is bad, but what if it's the "two-hander"? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hand-sandwich. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I see, well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes...(suddenly a woman approaches Jerry from behind and puts her hands over Jerry's eyes) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Guess who? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, hey. <b> </b><b> LAURA AND JERRY </b> Heeeey! (they take each others hands like they're planning to do a folk dance; George is looking puzzled) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's good to see you. <b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is my friend George. <b> </b><b> LAURA </b> (shakes George's hand) Hi, how nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi, how are you? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is Laura. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Laura, sure. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Laura) I can't believe you're here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE AND JERRY </b> Ooh yeah, the bags, sure. (they pick up the bags) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Oh, thank you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (privately to George) Now that was an interesting greeting, did you notice that, George? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, the "surprise-blindfold-greeting". That wasn't in the manual, I don't know. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. Jerry shows Laura the apartment) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So uh, what do ya think? <b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Ooohhh, wow! This place isn't so bad. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work on the road...So uh, make yourself at home. (Laura sits down on the couch, takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt) So uh, can I get you anything? Uuhhh, bread, water...salad-dressing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> (laughs) Actually uhm, do you have any wine? <b> </b><b> </b> JERRY; Uh, yeah, I think I do. <b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Oh, do, do you mind if I turn this down? (points to the lamp) <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, no, yeah, go right ahead. (she turns down the lamp) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Uh, Jerry, uh, I was wondering: would it be possible, and if it's not, fine, for me to stay here tomorrow night too? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why don't you stay? Yeah, uhm...What is your, what is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you, are you doin' anything? <b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> No, I'd love to do something, uh, I have my seminar in the morning, then after that I'm right open. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? What would you like to do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Well...now I know this sounds touristy, but I'd just love to go on one of those five-hour-boat-rides around Manhattan. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (doubtfully) Yeah, we could do that...why not, why not. (pours the wine) I'm just, I'm really glad you're here. (the phone rings; he picks it up) Yeah, hello...yes...yes, she is, hold on. (to Laura) Uhm, it's for you. <b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> (she takes the phone) Hello?...Hi!...no no it was great, right on time...no, I, I'm gonna stay here tomorrow...yes, yes it's fine..no, we're goin' on a boat-ride...don't be silly...I'm not gonna have this conversation...look I, I'll call you tomorrow...OK, bye (she hangs up the phone). Never get engaged. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're engaged? <b> </b><b> LAURA </b> You, you really have no idea what it's like until you actually do it and I'm on this emotional roller coaster. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're engaged? (still can't believe it) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Ya know, I can't believe it myself sometimes. You have to start thinking in terms of "we", uh, it's a very stressful situation. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're engaged! (like he's answering his own question) <b> </b><b> </b><b> LAURA </b> Yeah...yeah, he's a great guy... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> LAURA </b> You'd really like him...ya know, I can't wait to get on that boat. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Me too! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, OK? I, I, I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle...men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it!...It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is: we want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far...The car-horn-honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks: (imitates horn). <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

Good News, Bad News Script

1990-05-31

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE STAKEOUT </b> Written by Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld <b> </b> (Opening comedy) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, I'm on line at the supermarket. Two women in front of me. One of <b> </b><b> </b> them, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They both <b> </b><b> </b> of course choose to pay by the use of the (pause and gesture to audience <b> </b><b> </b> for response) <b> </b><b> AUDIENCE </b> Cheque <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Cheque. Now, the fact is, if it's a woman in front of you that's <b> </b><b> </b> writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed that <b> </b><b> </b> women are very *fast* with cheques, y'know, 'cuz they write out so many <b> </b><b> </b> cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they don't know <b> </b><b> </b> where that is, but the cheque book they got that. They never fumble for <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> book from an imaginary holster) ``Who do I make it out to?... There's my <b> </b><b> </b> ID...''. There's something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine. <b> </b><b> </b> I don't know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a cheque is like a note <b> </b><b> </b> from your mother that says ``I don't have any money, but if you'll <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you <b> </b><b> </b> just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> these... I wrote on these; is this of any value at all?'' <b> </b> (End stand-up) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What's that one? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> "Coccoon II: The Return". I guess they didn't like it up there... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Y'know Maureen Stapleton, if <b> </b><b> </b> she gets a craving, she's probably screamin' at those aliens, "I gotta have a Lo mein!" <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay, what're we doing here? I have seen *everything*. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah? I don't believe you've seen... this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, lovely... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What do you think their parents think? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "So, uh, what's your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?" <b> </b><b> </b> "Oh, he's a public fornicator. Yes, he's a fine boy..." <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Y'know what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamela's <b> </b><b> </b> birthday. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Pamela? Do I know her? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, you met her when we were going out. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, right... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You have *no* idea who I'm talking about, do you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (quickly) No. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Blonde hair remember? Glasses? (pause) Have you *totally* blocked <b> </b><b> </b> out the entire time we were a couple? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Riverside Drive. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Right! In fact... No, never mind... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what is it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some <b> </b><b> </b> bar for her birthday, but... you don't want to go to... that... no. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little deal here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What little deal? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding I <b> </b><b> </b> have on Saturday. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A *wedding*!? Have you *lost* it, man? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y'know, my parents are coming in for this... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They're coming in? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, tomorrow. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, no... Still doin' the big *sweep* across. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Why does he do that? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Doesn't think anyone can tell? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So c'mon, do we have a deal? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A *wedding*? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's a lot of people to mock... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Alright, what the Hell. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Great! <b> </b><b> WOMAN </b> When you're dead, you're dead. That's it. You're not goin' <b> </b><b> </b> anywhere... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> C'mon lets go, c'mon... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Was I supposed to bring something? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You could have. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I met her *one* time... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It is not necessary. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What did you say then? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sssshhhhhh!!! <b> </b><b> PAMELA </b> Hi <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi Pamela, you remember Jerry. <b> </b><b> PAMELA </b> Yes, we met. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hi, happy birthday. <b> </b><b> PAMELA </b> Ahh, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GUESTS </b> Hi <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I didn't bring anything. <b> </b><b> PAMELA </b> Ahh, I put you two right here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, Okay (turns to rest of table) I'm sorry, I didn't know what <b> </b><b> </b> to bring, nobody told me. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> How big a tip do you think it'd take to get him to stop? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm in for five... <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> I'll supply the hat. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself) Uh-oh... What do we have here... <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Why don't you relax and take your jacket off? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I can't-- I have a tendency to get chilly. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> How masculine... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Plus I'm wearing short sleeves, I don't want to expose my tattoos. <b> </b><b> </b> (To himself) She's unbelievable! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ROGER </b> (To Vanessa) Hey, this guy says he knows Bricker... <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Oh, you know Bricker! From where? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself) What's going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend, she's <b> </b><b> </b> too good to be alone... What's the difference, I can't maneuver <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> anyway with Elaine next to me... <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> (To Jerry) How do you know Pamela? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Friend of a friend. And you? <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> We went to law school together. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, Jerry! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself) Oh no, not *now*... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I had this dream last night and you were in it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh really... (To himself) Oh God, I gotta get out of this... <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You were you, but, you weren't you... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No kidding... (To himself) Why is this happening? Please, make <b> </b><b> </b> her stop! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I think, I think we were in my house where I grew up, and you were <b> </b><b> </b> standing there, you were looking out the window-- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself) This is *brutal*... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You turned around and you had these wooden teeth... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you like that... (To himself) Can I turn now? Is this <b> </b><b> </b> over? No, I can't, I can't... I'm stuck... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry? Are you listening to me? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes, I *heard* you. <b> </b><b> PAMELA </b> Elaine, what's the name of that jewelry store you took me to that <b> </b><b> </b> time? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself) Thank *you*, Pamela! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To Vanessa) So, you're a lawyer... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself, quickly) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. <b> </b><b> </b> Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft... <b> </b> (To Vanessa) Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Oh, that was you! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Imagine, spelling "Mom" with two O's... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Very funny! What do you do? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Comedian. <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Really... That explains it... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself, quickly) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. <b> </b><b> </b> Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. <b> </b><b> ROGER </b> Are you ready? <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> We gotta run. Happy birthday! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself) I can't believe it-- I got *nothing*! I don't even <b> </b><b> </b> know her name! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (To himself, *very* quickly) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and <b> </b><b> </b> Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That wasn't so bad, really... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Y'know, uh, you could use a little work on your manners. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? What did I do? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, I just don't appreciate these little "courtesy responses", <b> </b><b> </b> like I'm selling you aluminum siding. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I was listening! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! You couldn't wait to get back to your little... "conversation". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh-huh... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Where you had, uh, wooden teeth. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No! No! *You* had wooden teeth! *You* had wooden teeth! *I* <b> </b><b> </b> didn't have wooden teeth, *you* did! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, so *I* had wooden teeth, so what? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So nothing... Nothing... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic <b> </b><b> </b> relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> himself. He said ``Yeah, I got this new thing-- "platonic". My <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> idea, my name, callin' it after myself... What I do is, I go *out* <b> </b><b> </b> with the girls, I *talk* with them-- don't *do* anything... and go <b> </b><b> </b> right home. What'dya think? I think it's going to be *big*!'' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> relationships named after them, but it didn't work. Y'know, I bet <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, it's a <b> </b> *"Riconic"* relationship...'' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey! <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Ah, there he is! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your <b> </b><b> </b> bed! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Y'know, Jerry, we don't have to do this... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you talkin' about? It's fine, I love having you here... <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Tomorrow we'll go to a hotel. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ma, will you stop? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> No, why should we take over your apartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't care-- I'm sleeping next door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Your friend Kramer doesn't mind? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, he's making a bouillabaisse. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So Dad, lemme ask you a question. How many people work at these big <b> </b><b> </b> law offices? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Depends on the firm. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they <b> </b><b> </b> would know who it was? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> What's the matter? You need a lawyer? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works, but I <b> </b><b> </b> don't know her name. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So why don't you ask someone who was at the party? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I can't ask her. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Why not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because it's complicated-- there's some tension there. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> He used to go with her... <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Which one is she? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> From Maryland. The one who brought you the chocolate covered <b> </b><b> </b> cherries you didn't like. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Oh yeah, very alert. Warm person. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah, she's great. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> So, how come nothing materialized there? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, it's a tough thing to talk about... I dunno... <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I know what it was... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You don't know what it was... <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> So, what was it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, we fight a lot for some reason... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> H + M </b> Oh, well... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Well, I think she's a very attractive girl. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, she is, she absolutely is. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I can see if there was a *weight* problem... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, it's not that. It wasn't all one-sided. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> You know, you can't be so particular. Nobody's perfect. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I know, I know... <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Y'know Jerry, it's a good thing I wasn't so particular. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Idiot... (To Jerry) So who're you looking for, Sophia Loren? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's got *nothin'* to do with it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> How about Loni Anderson? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Where do you get Loni Anderson? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Why, what's wrong with Loni Anderson? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I like *Elaine* more than Loni Anderson... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you two talking about? Look, Elaine just wasn't "the one". <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> And this other one's "the one"? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno, maybe... <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So ask Elaine there for the number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't-- she'll get upset. I never talk about other women with her, <b> </b><b> </b> especially this one tonight. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> How could you still see her if your not interested? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> We're *friends*. <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Doesn't sound like you're friends to me. If you were friends you'd <b> </b><b> </b> ask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh yeah... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well, go up to the office. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Up to her office? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Go to the building. She goes out to lunch, doesn't she? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I guess... <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for her to <b> </b><b> </b> come down for lunch. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You mean "stakeout" the lobby? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Morty, that's ridiculous. Just ask Elaine for the number! <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> He doesn't want to ask Elaine for the number. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> So you've got him standing by the elevator like a *dope*! What <b> </b><b> </b> happens when he sees her? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> He pretends he *bumped* into her! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y'know what? This is *not* that *bad* an idea... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What does she look like? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I dunno. Hard to say. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What actress does she remind you of? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Loni Anderson. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Loni Anderson?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What, there's something wrong with Loni Anderson? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey listen, thanks again for running over here. I appreciate it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 48th st. Besides, you think <b> </b><b> </b> I wanna miss this? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm a little nervous. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, me too... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If I see her, what do I say that I'm doing here in the building? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You came to see me; I work in the building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What do you do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm an *architect*. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're an *architect*? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't see architecture comin from you... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I suppose *you* could be an architect... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I never said that I was the architect. Just somethin' else... <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Alright, she's not even gonna ask, if we *see* her, which is remote. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well what'dya want me to say, that I just wandered in here?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We're having lunch with a friend-- he works in the building. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What is *his* name? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No good? Alright, how about Art... Corr..... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Art Corr... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...velay... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Corvelay? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, right. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what does *he* do? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's an importer. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Just imports, no exports? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> He's an importer/exporter, okay? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Say, did Elaine ever call you back? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I guess she's still mad. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't understand, you never talk to her about other women? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Never. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait a second... That's her... on the right. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I forgot who I am! Who am I?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're you. We're having lunch with Art Corvelay. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Vandelay! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Corvelay! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let me be the architect, I can do it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hey, hey... Pamela's birthday party, didn't I see you there... <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry. <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Sure! Hi! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> This is George. ("Grasps" for her name) I'm sorry... <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Vanessa. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nice to meet you. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ah, Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> That's right! What're you doing here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, were meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here in the <b> </b><b> </b> building. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, Art *Vandelay*. <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Really? Which company? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't know. He's an importer. <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Importer? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...And exporter. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> He's an importer/exporter. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm, uh, I'm an architect. <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Really. What do you design? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, railroads, uh... <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> I thought engineers do that. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> They can... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y'know I'm sorry you had to leave so early the other night. <b> </b><b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Oh, me too. My cousin had to go back to Boston. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, that guy was your *cousin*! <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Yeah, and that woman was your-- <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Friend! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'll just, uh, get a paper... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So, um, do you date immature men? <b> </b><b> VANESSA </b> Almost exclusively... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Bum bum bum bum... I have no letters... Bum bum bum bum... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ma, will you go already? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Bum bum bum bum... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What are you doing?! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Wait, I just want to see something... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You can't look in there, we're playing! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Evening, Mr. Kramer! <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Hey Morty! (To Jerry) Salad dressing? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> "Quo"? Is that a word? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Maybe! <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Will you challenge it? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ma, you can't look up words in the dictionary! Dad, she's cheating! <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> "Quo"? That's not a word. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> (To Jerry) You're such a stickler... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well put *something* down, you're taking twenty minutes on this. <b> </b><b> </b> So is Uncle Mac, and Artie, they're all coming over here before the <b> </b><b> </b> wedding? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> They'll be here at two o'clock... Oh, Elaine called. She said <b> </b><b> </b><b> SHE'D BE HERE AT 2 </b> 30. Oh, and she says ``Hope your meeting went <b> </b><b> </b> well with Art... "Vandelay"?'' <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She said *what*? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Just what I said, here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She knows! Oh, I am *such* a *jackass*... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> She knows what? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She knows the whole stupid thing... Vanessa and the elevator... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> No, no, no, that won't do. He may have a "Z"... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So, how did she find out? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because, Vanessa probably told Pamela, and Pamela probably told <b> </b><b> </b> Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> So, what are you? Afraid of her? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yes. *Yes* *I* *am*! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What else did she say on the phone? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Whatever I wrote down. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound? <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Who am I, Rich Little? <b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Well, she can't be too mad-- she's still coming to the wedding. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, but now I'm nervous. <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Oh, stop it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Quone"? <b> </b><b> HELEN </b><b> ...30...31... </b> <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> "Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b><b> ...32... </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a <b> </b><b> </b> *definite* word. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I am challenging... <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Quone: to quone something. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-huh... <b> </b><b> HELEN </b> I'm not playing with you anymore... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MORTY </b> Quone's not a word... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off... <b> </b><b> </b><b> HELEN </b> Why did you make me put that down? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Nah, we need a *medical* dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, <b> </b><b> </b> you *quone* him... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> You want some funny material, you oughta come down to where I work, <b> </b><b> </b> now that's a sitcom! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You must have quite a time down there. (Checks his watch) <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> We got plenty of time... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just waiting for someone... <b> </b><b> </b><b> MAC </b> Watch what you say to this guy-- he'll put it in his next act! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, yeah... <b> </b><b> MAC </b> Jerry, did I tell you that I'm writing a book? An autobiography. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> MAC </b> It's based on all my experiences! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> That's perfect. (Elaine enters) Could you excuse me one second. <b> </b><b> </b> I'm sorry. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you do, Jerry Seinfeld. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, how do you do. Elaine Benes. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Um, do you want to do this now, or do you want to wait until we get <b> </b><b> </b> in the car? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh no, let's do it now. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, the whole elevator business, let me just explain-- <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Okay... <b> </b><b> ARTIE </b> Jerry, were you goin' with us? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, I'm gonna take my car. <b> </b><b> ARTIE </b> That's why I brought the wagon. Why the Hell did I bring the wagon? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Anyway, you know why I didn't ask you, I mean I felt so <b> </b><b> </b> uncomfortable, and you were *so* annoyed in the cab. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with anyone before. It was <b> </b><b> </b> quite the spectacle. <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Jerry, we'll see you there. Bye, Elaine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh, bye. Good to see you. <b> </b><b> ARTIE </b> Oh, we didn't meet. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, I'm sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin Artie Levine. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ARTIE </b> Le*vine*. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, "Le*vine*". And I'm Jerry Cougar Mellencamp... Anyway, I <b> </b><b> </b> admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> obviously we have a little problem here. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, obviously. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I mean, if we're gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk about <b> </b><b> </b> other people... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Couldn't agree more. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Good. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Great! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Great? Where do you get "great"? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's great to... talk about... other people... <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...Guys. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Uh-huh... Yeah... So, anybody specific? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No. A general guy. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh *really*... Elaine Marie Benes... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? No, it's not a big deal. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No, that's great! That's terrific! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, we just met... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Doesn't matter. What's the young man's name? I would like to <b> </b><b> </b> meet him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't think so... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a labourer <b> </b><b> </b> of some sort? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Wall street. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ahh, high finance: bulls... bears... people from Conneticut. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And he happens to be pretty good lookin' <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (pause) Alright, sir. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> And... he's *hilarious*. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Now that's not fair! So where did you meet this guy? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I "staked" out his health club. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> When you're on a stakeout, do you find it's better to stand up <b> </b><b> </b> against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Y'know I think that even if you've had a relationship with someone, <b> </b><b> </b> or let's say, *especially* if you've had a relationship with someone <b> </b><b> </b> and you try to become friends afterwards, it's very difficult. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Isn't this? It's hard. Because, you know each other so well, you <b> </b> know all of each others tricks. It's like two magicians, trying to entertain each other. <b> </b> The one goes, "Look, a rabbit." <b> </b> The other goes, "So? ... I believe this is your card." <b> </b> "Look, why don't we just saw each other in half and call it a night? Okay?" <b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Stakeout Script

1990-06-07

<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre> <b> THE ROBBERY </b> Written by Matt Goldman <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So I move into the centre lane, now I get ahead of this <b> </b><b> </b> women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me... <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the finger. It seems like such an... arbitrary, ridiculous <b> </b> thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. <b> </b> (shows several fingers to the audience) It's a finger, what <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work? <b> I </b><b> </b><b> </b> mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> gotta get the shoe off, the sock of and drive, get it up and <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> uh (pretends to drive with one foot in the air and speaks to <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> person driving next to him) look at that toe, buddy. (puts his <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> foot down) I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe, <b> </b> isn't it ? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is packing. Elaine is sitting <b> </b> at the table watching Jerry) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Is that it? Got the cue tips, got the mini-umbrella, <b> </b><b> </b> something boring to read on the plane. (zips his bag with <b> </b> exaggerated motions) That's it. Done! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (claps her hands) That is the single greatest packing <b> </b><b> </b> performance I have ever seen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (proudly) I am...the master packer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughs) Yeah, right, you're the master packer. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> What you must understand, Elaine, (picks up the <b> </b><b> </b> umbrella) packing is no different than leading men into <b> </b><b> BATTLE </b> you've gotta know the strengths and weaknesses (hits <b> </b><b> </b> his bag rhythmically with his umbrella) of every soldier in <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of <b> </b> ordinary black socks. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 'Scuse me...master packer! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...Yes. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Just gimme your keys. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Alright, sir. (tosses Elaine his keys; apartment buzzer <b> </b><b> </b> goes of, Jerry speaks over the intercom) George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (outside over the intercom) Yeah <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Jerry opens the door) OK, so, now, is there anything <b> </b><b> </b> else I need to know 'bout this place? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> uh, yeah, the uuhh, hot water takes a little while to <b> </b><b> </b> come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all <b> </b> your shopping, you...come back and take a shower. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> OK, this is quite a place. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> There's more, the refrigerator. (Opens it) Deduct a <b> </b><b> </b> minimum of two days of all expiration dates. (uses the <b> </b> umbrella to point to certain compartments in the refrigerator) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> No meat, no leftovers, no butter. (closes the refrigerator) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> that clear? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'll eat out. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> One more thing, Benes, regarding sexual activity: <b> </b><b> </b> strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> BIG FAVOUR </b> do it in the tub. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (walks in) Ready? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, one sec. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (closes the door) Hey, Elaine <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Coming to the airport with us? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, I'm staying here for the weekend. I'm getting a <b> </b><b> </b> break from my roommate. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, the actress-waitress. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> No, the waitress-actress. She just got some part in <b> </b><b> </b> some dinner-theater production of a Chorus Line. So, now all day <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it". She's gonna get it <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> right in her... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You just kick her out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> She's on the lease!...George you have got to find an <b> </b><b> </b> other place for me. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, well...a little ruff finding something good in <b> </b><b> </b> your price-range. (looks like he remembers something and turns <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> to Jerry) But you, my friend, may be in luck. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I'm not looking. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No no no, this one's different, this one's a beauty! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, what's it like? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I haven't seen it yet, but it's a "two-bedroom", it's <b> </b><b> </b> on the uh, west 83rd, 'bout a half block from the park? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How much? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Uh, twice what you pay in here, but it's a great <b> </b><b> </b> building, it's two bedrooms! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough <b> </b><b> </b> trouble maintaining activity in one. (George looks at Elaine <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> with a "he's-crazy-look"; Jerry turns around) I saw that. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You oughtta least take a look at it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Really? Why? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> 'Cause then I could move in here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ooohhhh <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> It's time you got out a here anyway. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yeah, tell'm, but quickly, I'm double parked here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Listen, Jerry, this place is falling apart. You have <b> </b><b> </b> no hot water, you can't have soft cheese... <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Let's not forget the radiator, the steam has been on <b> </b><b> </b> here for ten years; no human can turn this off. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, come on, you're doin' OK now, you should at <b> </b><b> </b> least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> like this. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Like this? You just said, you wanted to live here. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from <b> </b><b> </b> Island to Finland. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Jerry, what do ya...you wanna...you wanna see the <b> </b><b> </b> place or not? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I can't think about it now. Come on, I'm going to <b> </b><b> </b> Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. Jerry enters his apartment with his <b> </b> bags.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Elaine! (puts his bags down, sits down on the couch, <b> </b><b> </b> picks up the remote control and tries to turn on his TV) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (notices the TV is missing) ELAINE! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (from the bathroom) JERRY! (enters the living-room) <b> </b><b> </b> Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Great, I had fun, where's the TV, where's the VCR. <b> </b><b> </b> (Elaine looks guilty) What? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They were stolen. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stolen? When? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A couple a hours ago, the police are coming right <b> </b><b> </b> over. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Stolen? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Kramer enters the apartment) Someone left the door <b> </b><b> </b> open. (it's clear that she means Kramer; she walks to the <b> </b> bathroom) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Kramer) You left the door open?! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Uh, Jer, well ya know, I was cookin' and I, I uh, I <b> </b><b> </b> came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, 'cause <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I was gonna bring the spatula right back! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Wait, you left the lock open or the door open? <b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (bobs his head guiltily) The door. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The door? You left the door open? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula right back. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, and? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Well, I got caught up... watching a soap opera...(with <b> </b><b> </b> a broken voice) The Bold and the Beautiful <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So the door was wide open? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Wide open! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (Elaine enters the living-room) And where were you? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I was at Bloomingdale's...waiting for the shower to <b> </b><b> </b> heat up. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you have insurance, <b> </b><b> </b> right buddy? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (looks shocked) How can you not have insurance? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Because...I spent my money on the Clapgo D. 29, it's <b> </b><b> </b> the most impenetrable lock on the market today...it has only <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ONE DESIGN FLAW </b> the door...(shuts the door) must be <b> CLOSED. </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm gonna solve it, <b> </b><b> </b> I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me back, it was an <b> </b><b> </b> accident. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (theatrical) I made a mistake. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (idem) These things happen <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (idem) I'm human <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> In your way. <b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. A policeman is filling out a <b> </b> report. Jerry and Elaine are there.) <b> </b><b> POLICEMAN </b> Let's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo, one leather <b> </b><b> </b> jacket, a VCR and a computer...is that 'bout it? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Answering machine. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (disappointed) Answering machine. Oh, I hate the idea <b> </b><b> </b> of somebody out there returning my calls. <b> </b><b> POLICEMAN </b> What do ya mean? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's a joke. <b> </b><b> POLICEMAN </b> I see...Well, mister Seinfeld uh, we'll look into <b> </b><b> </b> it and uh, we'll let you know if we uh, you know, if we find <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> anything. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You ever find anything? <b> </b><b> POLICEMAN </b> No. (hands Jerry his copy of the report) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, thanks anyway. <b> </b><b> POLICEMAN </b> You bet. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (Policeman leaves the apartment, while George enters) <b> </b><b> </b> I didn't get that joke either. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> The crook has the machine. The messages aren't for him. <b> </b><b> </b><b> HE'S THE CROOK </b> why would he answer...(turns around and sees <b> </b><b> </b> George standing behind him) How did you get in here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (makes some weird motions) I walked in, your lobby <b> </b><b> </b> door is broken again. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Again. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know how you put up with this. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, tell'm George. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to Elaine) You would still wanna move in here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yes! You don't understand. I'm living with Ethel <b> </b><b> </b> Merman without the talent. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) Is that uh, other apartment still <b> </b><b> </b> available. (George shows him the keys) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club.) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I got ripped off for about the...18th time? And now, <b> </b><b> </b> the first couple a times you go through it, it's very <b> </b> upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SAY </b> "Call the police. You really should call the police." So <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts...I'm gonna <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> see some real action." Right, you think that. So, the police <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GIVE YOU </b> your copy. Now...unless they give the crook his <b> </b><b> </b> copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do <b> </b> you?...It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for <b> </b> their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> "Did you lose a sony? It could be the Penguin...I think we can <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> round him up, he's dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him, <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> he's a PENGUIN! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (The apartment on 83rd street. George, Elaine and Jerry <b> </b> are entering the apartment.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (looks around) Oh, well, come on...this is an <b> </b><b> </b> apartment, this is a home! This is a place to live...Oohhh, a <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> fireplace, are you kidding me! Does this work? (takes a closer <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> look at the fireplace) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I didn't know there was a fireplace. A fireplace, this <b> </b><b> </b> is incredible. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How do you get all that wood in here? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> They deliver it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They deliver wood? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Whatta ya tip a "wood guy"? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (looking intensively at the form with the apartment <b> </b><b> </b> description) I didn't know there was a fireplace? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Look! Look at...look at this! There's a garden. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> A garden! I can't believe there's a garden! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Would I have to get a gardener? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Yeah, you can get a gardener. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You tip him? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (to Elaine) You don't tip a gardener! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> You can tip a gardener. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You don't need a gardener. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, you can barbecue back here (points to garden). <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> They deliver the coal? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Sure, it's...probably the same guy, who delivers the <b> </b><b> </b> wood. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, than I gotta tip him. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Oh damn, this place is incredible, look at all this <b> </b><b> </b> great light! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't have any plants. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I have plants. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Jerry, look at this closet! Look at this! I'm walking <b> </b><b> </b> in it! (walks in the closet) It's a "walk-in". Can you believe <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> it? I'm nuts about this, what do you think?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (closes the closet with Elaine still in it)...I like <b> </b><b> </b> that. (opens the closet, Elaine walks out with an angry look) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> What do ya think, George? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's your decision. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (walks around with Elaine walking next to him, copying <b> </b><b> </b> his every move. Suddenly Jerry stops walking; Elaine is not <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> able to copy this "move"; they look at each other laughing) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> I'm takin' it, I'm takin' the place, I'm gonna take it, this <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> is gonna be my new place, I'm livin' here...I'm movin'. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> (laughing with joy) Your movin'? That means I'm <b> </b><b> </b> movin'. (hugs Jerry) Gheeeeee (runs to George) isn't that <b> </b> incredible! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Congratulations. (obviously not so thrilled by the <b> </b><b> </b> fact) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine are there.) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What about the couch? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You like the couch? I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> What? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're movin' in, you're a good friend, I wanna start <b> </b><b> </b> you off on the right foot. Give me...$150 dollars. (Elaine <b> </b> looks shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall) Get it out a <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> here right now, take it out the door, I don't even wanna see <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> it, go, get it out. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> A $150 dollars? A $150 dollars for what? For this <b> </b><b> </b> couch? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> For this couch?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (shuts the door) OK, you tell me, what is it worth? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> OK, uuhh...I'll tell you what...I could go as high as <b> </b><b> </b> uh... (takes a closer look at couch) I don't know, maybe...$20 <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> dollars? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (has a "you-can't-be-serious-look" on his face; the <b> </b><b> </b> apartment buzzer goes off; Jerry speaks over the intercom) <b> </b> Yeah? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (outside over the intercom) Yeah, it's George. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Come on up. (opens the door; walks back to the couch) <b> </b><b> </b> Oh, all right, forget it, I'm gonna take it with me now... <b> </b> (picks up the cushions) I'm just gonna pack up the cushions <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> right now... <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> OK ok ok ok, you win: $40 dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You wanna get the other end, 'cause I wanna get it in <b> </b><b> </b> the hall. (acts like he's going to lift up the couch) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> $50 dollars, OK? $50 dollars, is that all right? <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> $50 dollars? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Uh-huh. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thank you very much. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Thank you very much. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (walks in and closes the door) Hey, what's goin' on? <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I just bought Jerry's couch for $50 dollars. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (to George) So did you bring the lease? (George takes <b> </b><b> </b> the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry) All <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> right, ghee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry (said very quickly), <b> </b><b> </b> listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at <b> </b><b> ALL, AT ALL </b> do not feel like you have to take it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Why? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want <b> </b><b> </b> it, <b> </b> don't worry about it because uh, ya know, I, I...I could take <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> it, ya know. (said with a "for-instance-look" on his face) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You could take it? You want it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I don't want it. I want it, if you don't want it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So you do want it. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No I, I want it if you don't want it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You just said, you wanted it! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you <b> </b><b> </b> didn't want it, I might take it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (picks up the lease and hands it to George) So take it. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (refuses to take the lease from Jerry; Elaine looks <b> </b><b> </b> worried) How can I take it?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How can I take it? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It's your apartment! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How can I want it now, if you want it? <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Excuse me, uuhh, I don't mean to cause any trouble <b> </b><b> </b> here, but George, if you take it, can I take your place? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Yes, but I am not taking it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I...am not taking it. (drops the lease demonstratively) <b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Well, one of you better damn well take it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Well, whatta you wanna do here? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I, I don't know. (makes a gesture, that he doesn't <b> </b><b> </b> know) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Do you wanna flip a coin? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> ...Who flips?...You'll flip, I'll call. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> OK, fine...(takes a coin from his pocket) This is the <b> </b><b> </b> official flip! No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and <b> </b> that's it, agreed? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I'm good. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I don't know, who to rune for, George's place has <b> </b><b> </b> carpeting. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, now you call it in the air. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No catchin'. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> No no. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Flip it. (Jerry flips the coin) Heads! (the coin hits <b> </b><b> </b> the table. It falls on the floor; they all look intently at <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the coin) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Tails! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, it hit the table, it hit the table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> So what? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> INTERFERENCE! YOU CAN'T COUNT THAT. </b><b> COME ON, ARE YOU </b><b> </b><b> </b> CRAZY?!! THE COIN CAN NOT TOUCH ANYTHING, it affects it. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You didn't call no interference! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b><b> YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL THAT. THAT'S </b><b> A RULE!! </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't believe this. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you win. Take it, <b> </b><b> </b> just take it! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> I don't wanna win it like this! Elaine, what do ya <b> </b><b> </b> think? <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I'd better not... <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> ...Well, I'll tell ya what: I'll choose you for it. <b> </b><b> </b> Straight choose, three takes it, no disputes...that's it, you <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> gotta win three. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> OK (they walk around each other)...OK. I'll choose <b> </b><b> </b> you...whatta ya want? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Odds <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I want evens. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Good. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You got odds. <b> </b> JERRY You got evens. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Right, ready. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> For the apartment. (they take their "choose positions") <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOTH </b> Once, twice, three, shoot! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mine! <b> </b><b> BOTH </b> Once, twice, three, shoot! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Mine! (George walks to the table to take a break) <b> </b><b> </b><b> BOTH </b> (they take their positions again) Once, twice, three, <b> </b><b> </b> shoot! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mine! <b> </b><b> BOTH </b> Once, twice, three, shoot! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (Jerry wins, Elaine starts measuring up Jerry's couch) <b> </b><b> </b> Congratulations...congratulations. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Thanks. (George walks to the bathroom) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (screaming in bathroom) WHAT DID I PUT <b> UP TO? WHAT DID </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> I PUT UP TO? </b> <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> (enters the apartment "Kramer-style") Jerry, I think <b> </b><b> </b> I'm on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Englishman, who lives down the hall? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Yeah. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> The last couple a days he's been acting very strange; <b> </b><b> </b> I think he's avoiding me. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Hard to imagine. (ironically) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! And get this: I just got of the elevator with <b> </b><b> </b> him and I tested him, I tested him, like I...this is what I <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> said to him, like I, I was like this (shows how he was acting <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> stuff." <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Right. <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Ya know, very casually, so that he was gonna take me <b> </b><b> </b> in to his confidence. <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> So what did he say? <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> "What stuff?". <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Ooh, case closed! (ironically) <b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> No, you don't understand, you see, he swallowed...see, <b> </b><b> </b> the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something! <b> </b> Now, I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna borrow some tee...if <b> I </b><b> </b><b> </b> don't get back in five minutes, maybe you'd better call the <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> police. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> OK, starting (looks at his watch)...NOW! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> KRAMER </b> Yeah! (said in his own typical way and he runs off) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Comedy club) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> One of the problems in life is that when you're a kid, <b> </b><b> </b> you have a certain way of working out disagreements...and <b> </b> those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main way <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> SAY </b> "I got the front seat" (other kid's voice) "I wanted the <b> </b><b> </b> front seat!" (first kid again) "I called it". And the other <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> called it, what can I do?". If there was a "kid-court of law" <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> IT HOLDS UP </b> (lawyer's voice) "Your Honour, my client did ask <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> it?" (lawyer's voice again) "Well no, he didn't call..." BANG! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (imitating a hammer being hit by the judge); (judges voice <b> </b> again) "He has to call it, case closed...objection overruled". <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Coffee house, called Monk's; Jerry is sitting at a <b> </b> table, George is returning from the bathroom) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> (walks towards the table) I love the mirror in that <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> in that mirror. (sits down) I don't know if it's the tile or <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> the lighting...I feel like Robert Wagner. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> (bobs his head) It's a good mirror...(both look at <b> </b><b> </b> their menus) So, what are ya gettin'? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, I can't eat, ya, ya can't have anything <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> FRENCH FRIES </b> out, BLT: out!...I go to visit my grandparents: <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> three big brisket sandwiches, I'm sittin' here with a carrot! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> you eat that stuff?!"...(they look at their menus again) I'm <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> so sick about losin' that choose, you don't know. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, right, forget it, forget it, I'm not taking the <b> </b><b> </b> place! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> What?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How can I live there? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Why not?! <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Look at you, you're still thinking about it, I'll never <b> </b><b> </b> feel comfortable. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, get out a here. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How can I ever have you over? You'll sit there moping. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Mope? <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You're already moping!...Would you take the place? <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, impossible! It's your apartment. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> You found the place. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> You won the choose. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> All right, forget it, it's over, I'm not moving. <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Well, me neither. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Definitely? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Definitely. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> Oh, than just get rid of it. You won't have any <b> </b><b> </b> problem. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> No, it's not a problem, I can get rid of the apartment <b> </b><b> </b> this afternoon. (a waitress approaches) <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> What apartment? <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Oh, it's a great place, it's uh "two-bedroom" uh, west <b> </b><b> </b> 83rd 'bout half block from the park. <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> What's the rent? <b> </b> (The apartment on 83rd street. The waitress bought it; <b> </b> Jerry, Elaine and George are invited, they're sitting on a <b> </b> couch, all three moping) <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> I don't know, what we're doin' here, this is <b> </b><b> </b> ridiculous. <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> She wanted to thank us for the apartment. (very <b> </b><b> </b> irritated) <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> I can't believe I lost the deposit on that u-hall. (I <b> </b><b> </b> can't quite understand what she'd saying here)And I threw out <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> my couch. (She slaps Jerry on the leg) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> If only the coin hadn't hit the table. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> The table is interference, you know it! <b> </b><b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It is not! <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> It is too! <b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> My roommate starts rehearsal tonight on Carrousel. <b> </b><b> </b> (irritated) <b> </b><b> WAITRESS </b> Hi. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Hi, Carol. <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> I just wanted to introduce you to my husband, this is <b> </b><b> </b> Larry (points to her husband; Jerry, Elaine and George get <b> </b> up). This is George, Elaine and Jerry (points to them) (to <b> </b> Larry) These are the guys who got us the apartment. <b> </b><b> LARRY </b> Oh, you don't know how grateful I am, if there's <b> </b><b> </b> anything I can ever do to repay you, I, I mean, we're just so <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> thrilled with this place. <b> </b><b> CAROL </b> It's a dream. <b> </b><b> LARRY </b> I'm running in the park now, I've lost weight, we're <b> </b><b> </b> barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable. <b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We're really glad for ya. (very sadly) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> ELAINE </b> Couldn't be happier. (idem) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> It's wonderful. (idem; they sit down again) <b> </b><b> </b><b> CAROL </b> Diane, Diane, come here. (she beckons a women; she <b> </b><b> </b> comes to the couch) This is my new next door neighbour, Diane. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> (Jerry, Elaine and George get up; Diane appears to be very <b> </b> attractive) (to Diane) These are the guys, who turned this <b> </b> place down, can you believe it? (to Jerry, George and Elaine) <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b> Diane gave me the greatest backrub today, she's a masseuse! <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> DIANE </b> How, how could you guys have turned this place down, <b> </b><b> </b> it's such a great location and it's...so close to the park. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> We're aware of the proximity to the park, yes. <b> </b><b> </b><b> DIANE </b> Well, it was nice to meet you. (she walks away) <b> </b><b> </b><b> GEORGE </b> Nice meeting you. (shakes Carol's hand; they sit down <b> </b><b> </b> again; Carol walks away) <b> </b><b> JERRY </b> How late are the stores open? I'm thinking of maybe uh, <b> </b><b> </b> buying a new TV and smash it over my head. (two men are <b> </b> standing behind the couch talking) <b> </b><b> RIGHT MAN </b> I get a call from Gilmore this morning and get <b> </b><b> </b><b> THIS </b> they're restructuring the organization in Atlanta and I <b> </b><b> </b> gotta be there on the first of the month. <b> </b><b> LEFT MAN </b> Really? What are you gonna 'bout the apartment? <b> </b><b> </b><b> RIGHT GUY </b> Well, what can I do? Give it up. <b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> </b><b> THE END </b> </pre>>

The Robbery Script

1990-06-14

"<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre>\n\n\n<b> MALE UNBONDING\n</b>\n\n\n (...TRUNCATED)

Male Unbonding Script

1990-06-21

"<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre>\n\n\n<b> THE STOCK TIP\n</b>\n\n\n (...TRUNCATED)

The Stock Tip Script

1991-01-23

"<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre>\n\n\n<b> THE EX-GIRLFRIEND\n</b>\n\n\n (...TRUNCATED)

The Ex-Girlfriend Script

1991-01-30

"<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre>\n\n\n<b> THE PONY REMARK\n</b>\n\n\n (...TRUNCATED)

The Pony Remark Script

1991-02-06

"<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre>\n\n\n<b> THE JACKET\n</b>\n\n\n (...TRUNCATED)

The Jacket Script

1991-02-13

"<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre>\n\n\n<b> THE PHONE MESSAGE\n</b>\n\n\n (...TRUNCATED)

The Phone Message Script

1991-04-04

"<bound method Tag.get_text of <pre>\n\n\n<b> THE APARTMENT\n</b>\n\n\n (...TRUNCATED)

The Apartment Script