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Give me a joke

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

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A man pulls over to the side of the road after a police cruiser flashes him to do so. "How long have you been riding around without a taillight?" asked the officer. "Oh, no!" screamed the man, jumping out of the car. "Wait 'til my family finds out!" "Where's your family?" the officer asked. "They're in the trailer that was hitched to the car!"

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"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend." —EMO PHILIPS

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A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, "Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go—don't throw a fit. It won't be long."

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In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says, "There, there, Missy, don't cry. Two more aisles, and we'll be checking out."

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When they get to the checkout stand, the little girl howls for gum. The mother says, reassuringly, "Missy, we'll be done in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."

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In the parking lot, the man stops the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he says. The mother sighs, "Oh, no—my little girl's name is Francine. I'm Missy."

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The odd thing about parenting is that by the time you are experienced at your job, you are unemployed.

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A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day. "Thank you for coming," the son said. "It means so much." "Of course I'd be here," the mother replied. "It's not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day."

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A family takes a trip to Disney World. After seven exhausting days, they head home. As they drive away, the son waves out the window and says, "Goodbye, Mickey." The daughter waves and says, "Goodbye, Minnie." Dad waves and cries, "Goodbye, money."

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Sarah watches as her mother tries on an expensive fur coat in a high-end department store. "Do you realize," Sarah says, "that some poor, dumb animal had to suffer just for you to wear that coat?" Sarah's mother turns to her and snaps, "Think about how much I've suffered! And don't call your father an animal."

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Passing through his son's college town late one night, a father decides to drop in and pay his kid a visit. The father knocks on the fraternity house door. No one answers. He knocks louder, but still no answer. He begins to bang angrily on the door. Finally, a head pops out of a window on the second floor. "You need something, pal?" a frat brother asks from the window. "Yes, does Billy Powers live here?" the father asks. "Yeah," says the frat brother, "just dump him on the steps and we'll grab him in the morning."

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"Then we figured out we could just park them in front of the TV; that's how I was raised and I turned out TV."—HOMER SIMPSON

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A dad was trying to teach his kid about the evils of drinking. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water survived, but the worm in the whiskey curled up and died almost immediately. "All right, kid," the father began, "what does this little experiment prove to you about drinking?" "Well," the kid replied thoughtfully, "it proves that if a person drinks alcohol he probably won't get worms."

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A guy calls 911 in a panic. "My wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!" "Calm down," the 911 operator says. "Is this her first child?" "No, you idiot!" the guy shouts. "This is her husband!"

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How is a computer like a grandparent? The first thing that goes on both is their memory.

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What does a baby computer call his father? Data!

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A little girl asks her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answers, "Well, God made Adam and Eve and then they had kids. So all mankind was made."

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Two days later the little girl asks her father the exact same question. The father answers, "Many years ago, there were monkeys from which the entire human race evolved."

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The confused little girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said man developed from monkeys. Why do you have different stories?"

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The mother answers, "Well, I was referring to my side of the family and your dad was talking about his side."

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"When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me . . . no one showed up."—RODNEY DANGERFIELD

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The three wise men visit Joseph and Mary in the stable to see the newborn son. The extremely tall wise man hits his head on the door frame and exclaims, "Jesus Christ!" Joseph looks at Mary and says, "Write that down—that's much better than Clyde."

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A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, "No change yet."

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Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, "What are you two arguing about?" One boy answers, "We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it." "You two should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.

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"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."—JERRY SEINFELD

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A young boy runs into the house and excitedly shows his mother a fifty-dollar bill he found in the park. "Are you sure it was lost?" the mother asks. "I'm positive," the boy replies. "I even saw the guy looking for it."

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A teacher asks her class, "True or false? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia." "False," says a boy in the back. "It was written in ink."

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A teacher walks over to the desk of a student during an exam and says to him, "I hope I didn't just see you looking over at your neighbor's answers." The boy replies, "Yeah, I hope you didn't see it either."

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A school teacher notices a student is getting much better with numbers than he was just a few weeks earlier. "Your counting has improved," the teacher tells him after class. "Thanks," the boy says. "My dad will be glad to hear that. He's been working on them with me every night and weekend." "Fantastic," the teacher replies. "So here's a quick quiz—what comes after nine?" "Ten," the boy replies enthusiastically. "Right, and what comes after ten?" the teacher quizzes. "The jack!" the boy answers.

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"We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow."—STEWART FRANCIS

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A husband and wife are visiting the wife's family during the holidays. Her mother is a stickler for her food intake, and will only eat organic and fresh foods. The husband goes to the store with specific instructions on the type of foods to buy. "Excuse me," the man asks the grocer, "are these vegetables sprayed with any harmful chemicals or pesticides that could kill a person?" "Nope," answers the grocer proudly. "Okay," says the man, "I guess I'll just have to do that part myself."

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A second-grade teacher is giving her daily grammar lesson. "Tammy," the teacher calls out to a girl in the first row of class, "please use 'I' in a sentence." "I is," Tammy begins, but was immediately interrupted. "No, Tammy," the teacher says, "that's incorrect. You always say 'I am.'" "All right," Tammy says. "I am the letter that comes after H."

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A church pastor is invited to dinner at the house of a parishioner. The pastor sits at the table with the family. The mom requests her daughter, age six, say grace before the meal. She sits in silence. "It's okay, dear," the mother calms her. "You can do it. Just repeat what you heard daddy say before breakfast this morning." The little girl folds her hands, bows her head, and says in a loud voice, "Oh Christ, why did you invite the pastor over for dinner tonight?"

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During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table. The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during which one of the children is heard saying, "You see, it is vanishing cream!"

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"Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own."—ARISTOTLE

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A kid is late for school one day. "I had to take the bull down to mate with the heifer," he explains to the teacher. "Well, couldn't your father have done that?" the teacher asks after class. "Sure," the boy replies. "But the bull would have done a better job."

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A father confronts his young son in the backyard. "I heard you skipped school today to go to the beach with your friends." "That's a lie!" the boy shouts. "And I've got the movie stub to prove it."

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Children left alone in the backseat can cause accidents, which is ironic considering that accidents in the backseat can cause children.

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A stranger at the park is watching a young boy play in front of his young mother. After a few minutes of the boy clucking incessantly, the man asks, "Why does your son repeatedly say 'cluck, cluck, cluck'?" The young mother replies, "Because he thinks he's a chicken." "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?" the stranger asks. "Well," says the mom, "because we really need the eggs."

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"My dad is actually a manic-depressive, which is very exciting half the time."—MARC MARON

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Four expectant fathers pace back and forth in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!" "What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

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A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!" "That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers, "considering I work for the 3M Company."

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An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets. The man says, "That's insane! I work for the Four Seasons. What a weird coincidence!"

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After hearing this latest news, everyone's attention turns to the fourth expectant father, who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers to the attending nurse, "I knew I shouldn't have taken that job at Books-A-Million."

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"Having children is like living in a frat house: nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up."—RAY ROMANO

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A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. "Dad, what music did you like growing up?" "I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin," the father replies. "Who?" the son asks. "Yeah," the dad responds, "I liked them too."

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A teacher asks her class their favorite afterschool snacks. "Decklyn," the teacher calls to the new student in the back of the room, "what's your favorite afterschool snack?" "Nuts," he replies. "Very good," the teacher replies. "What kind of nuts? Peanuts? Pine nuts?" The boy shakes his head and answers, "Doughnuts."

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Two young boys, Bobby and Tommy, are sharing a hospital room. After getting to know each other a little bit, Bobby eventually asks Tommy, "Hey, what're you in the hospital for anyway?" "I'm getting my tonsils out," explains Tommy. "And I'm a little worried." "Oh, don't worry about it," Bobby says. "I had my tonsils out and it was actually not so bad. I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!" "Oh yeah?" replies Tommy. "That's not bad. So, Bobby, how about you? What are you here for?" "I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Bobby answers. "Oh my god! A circumcision?" Tommy cries. "I got one of those when I was a baby. I couldn't walk for two years!"

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"Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch."—JON STEWART

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A lifeguard asks a mother to scold her son for urinating in the public pool. "It's perfectly natural," the mother says, "for young children to urinate in the pool. Plenty of children at this pool do it. I don't see why my son doing it is such a big deal." The lifeguard pulls down his sunglasses and replies, "Well, all the other kids aren't doing it off the diving board."

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"When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action . . . they rented out my room."—WOODY ALLEN

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A teenager is talking to her friend before class. "For the prom, I'm renting a limo, spending $500 on a new dress, and bringing in the best makeup artist in the state to do my hair." A teacher overhears the conversation and remarks, "Wow, that's more than I spent for my wedding!" The girl replies, "Yeah, well you can get married three or four times, but you only go to prom once."

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On his eighteenth birthday, a son announces to his parents that he is no longer abiding by their curfew. "I'm an adult now," he says, "and you can't stop me from exiting and entering the house any time I want." "You're half right," says his dad. "We can't stop you from leaving the house, but we can stop you from coming back in."

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"How dare you disobey your mother!" a father yells at his daughter. "Do you think you're better than I am or something?"

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"How did the car end up in the living room?" a furious father asks his son. "Simple," the boy replies. "I made a right at the kitchen."

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A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store. He's arrested and put in county jail. The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell. About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. "I assume you're the boy's father," the arresting officer says. "No," responds the man, "I'm here to deliver a pizza."

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Two young girls, students at an exclusive prep school in California, are eating lunch and flipping through a celebrity magazine. "Oh my god, I forgot to tell you!" the blonde says to the brunette. "My mom is getting remarried!" "No way," the brunette replies. "To who?" The blonde flips open the magazine and points to a famous director. "Oh!" screams the brunette. "You'll love him! He was my dad last year!"

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"Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime."—RED SKELTON

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A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. "You'll like it here," he tells her. "Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron." "Do you know who I am?" the girl asks her new classmate. "I'm the daughter of the principal." The boy is silent and then asks her, "Do you know who I am?" She shakes her head no. "Good," says the boy as he walks away.

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A teacher asks her student where the English Channel is located. "I'm not sure," the student answers, "we switched cable companies last month."

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A father goes into his son's room to find him lying face-down on the bed. He asks him, "Hey buddy, how did your test go today?" "I did just what George Washington did," the son replies, his words muffled by the mattress. "How so?" the father asks. The son looks up and answers, "I went down in history."

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After weeks of personal classes and hundreds of dollars, the parents ask the tutor for a progress report. "Good news," the tutor tells them over the phone, "your son is getting straight As." "That's outstanding!" says the father. "I'll say," the tutor replies. "I think we're finally ready to move on to the letter B."

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What's the difference between a teenager and E.T.? E.T. actually phoned home.

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How many teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb up and the world revolves around him.

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"Many children threaten at times to run away from home—this is the only thing that keeps many parents going."—PHYLLIS DILLER

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Grandma and Grandpa are trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, has died. "You know," Grandma said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stops crying and asks, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

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"You're not famous until my mother has heard of you."—JAY LENO

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On a visit to see his grandmother, a teen boy listens as she goes on and on about the cost of living. "When I was a young girl," she moans, "you could go to the store with a dollar and come home with enough food to feed your family for weeks!" "Well, Grandma," the boy replies, "we learned about that in school recently, and that's called inflation." "Inflation nothing!" the grandmother answered. "It's all these darn security cameras they've got today!"

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Ted's grandmother pulls him aside at his eighth birthday party and hands the boy a five-dollar bill. "Here, this is a little something extra from Grandma. But not a word of this to your brothers and sisters." The boy looks at the bill and responds, "If you want me to stay quiet, it's going to cost you a lot more."

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How many Jewish grandmothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, because never mind us, we'll just sit here in the dark, don't go out of your way . . ."

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"The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money."—DAVID RICHERBY

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A husband and wife are staring at their garden. "Sooner or later," the wife comments, "you're going to have to put in a better scarecrow." "What's wrong with the one we've got?" asks the husband. "It scares away all the birds and it's still got a few good years left." "I agree," the wife says, "but my mother can't stay out there forever."

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"Hi! My name is Gertrude," says the lady to the man next to her on the airplane. "It's so nice to meet you! I'm flying to New York for my grandson's third birthday. I'm so excited! I remember when he was just a little pumpkin and now he's already three! It's really hard to believe. He's the most adorable thing you've ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse. Yes, here it is. Just look at him, isn't he adorable? Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest. He says to me in the cutest voice, 'Hi Grandma!' It just gets me all teary-eyed." After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude realized that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. "You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me, what do you think about my grandson?"

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"When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed, wondering where my brother was."—MITCH HEDBERG

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A young boy finds his grandfather, an avid gardener, working in his garden one afternoon. "What do you usually put on your celery?" the boy asks his grandfather. The old man wipes the sweat and dirt from his forehead. He's amazed his grandson has taken such an interest in his hobby. "Well, I usually put on a mix of enriched soil and rotted horse manure." "That's weird," the grandson replies. "We usually just put on ranch dressing."

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A family moves into their new house. Grandma comes for a visit and asks the youngest child, a five-year-old, how he likes the new place. "It's terrific," he says. "I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad."

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A man comes home one night to find his blonde wife reading his personal journal. "I can explain everything," he begins. She interrupts him midsentence and exclaims, "You're darn right you've got some explaining to do, and you can start with telling me who April, May, and June are!"

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"The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter." —LENNY BRUCE

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A man decides to bury his cat. He gets a shovel and starts digging. He goes down two feet, three feet, four feet, and then he hits the cat.

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A couple looks over the side of a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns. The guy says, "Wow, it really works."

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A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?" The waiter says, "A penny." The man exclaims, "A penny? How much for a steak?" The waiter says, "A nickel." The man is astonished. "Are you serious? Where's the man who owns this place? I'd like to shake his hand!" The waiter answers, "He's upstairs with my wife." Confused, the man asks, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The waiter smiles and says, "The same thing I'm doing down here to his business."

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"I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming."—JIMMY CARTER

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A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes, I am." The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man answers, "Sure, hold on a second." The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality."

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After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable—an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, he embraces and kisses her long and passionately as her husband watches with a raised eyebrow. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down as though in a daze. The therapist turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

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A very elderly couple is celebrating their seventy-fifth wedding anniversary. The man says to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never looked quite like the rest. Now, I want to assure you that these seventy-five years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, and then confesses. "Yes, he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality hitting him harder than he expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally she says to her husband, "You."

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An old man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you." The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" No response. He moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again—no response. Five feet, no answer. Finally, he stands directly behind her and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" She says, "For the fourth time, I said chicken!"

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"Husbands are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender."—MARY BUCKLEY

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A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband. "But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter. "Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."

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A man is on a cross-country trip when he picks up a hitchhiker. During a lull in the conversation, the hitchhiker notices a brown paper bag resting in the center console. The driver notices his glance and says, "That's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The hitchhiker replies, "That's a pretty good trade."

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"When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'"—RITA RUDNER

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A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?" "Oh yes, great! I think I really impressed the boss. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." "Oh, no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

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What do you call a man who has lost 90 percent of his intelligence? Divorced.

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Real men wear pink because that's what their wives bought.

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A man goes away on business. He e-mails his wife from the road and says he'll be home that night because the trip wrapped up earlier than expected. When he gets home, he walks into the bedroom to find his wife in bed with another man. Without a word, the husband leaves the room and goes down to the local bar. He explains the whole situation to the bartender. "Well, why don't you call her and talk to her? Maybe there is an explanation for all of this." The man picks up his cell phone and calls his house. His wife answers and before she can say a word he yells, "Why did I come home to find you in bed with another man?" The wife calmly responds, "Because I just got around to checking my e-mail."

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"Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife."—SHELLEY WINTERS

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A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband. "Do I look fat in this dress?" the wife asked. "Do I look dumb in this shirt?" the husband replied.

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A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot. She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, "I'll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up some colorful language." The woman says, "Oh, that's okay." She buys the parrot and takes it home. When she takes the towel off its cage, the parrot looks at her and says, "Awk. New madam. Hello madam." A few hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters come home from school. The parrot looks at them and says, "Awk. New girls. Hello girls." A couple hours after that, the woman's husband Phil comes home from work. The parrot looks at him and says, "Awk. Hi Phil."

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Did you hear that everyone at the mint went on strike? They wanted to make less money.

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What did one geologist say to the other while they both stared down at a giant fissure in the rocks? "I wonder whose fault this is."