prompt
stringclasses 1
value | completion
stringlengths 34
1.06k
|
|---|---|
Give me a joke | A policeman came to my door yesterday and asked, "Where were you between four and six?" So I said, "Probably either in kindergarten or first grade." |
Give me a joke | How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blankets. |
Give me a joke | A woman is getting lunch ready when the phone rings. "This is the middle school calling about your son Phillip. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies." "I'll say he has," the woman replies. "I don't have a son." |
Give me a joke | A man bought a self-help book from the bookstore. The title of the book was How to Handle Life's Biggest Disappointments. When he opened the book to read it that night he realized all the pages were blank. |
Give me a joke | A bride is going over the wedding planning with her mother. "I've got something new and something borrowed, but I don't have anything old or blue." "Don't worry," the mother says, "your father's mother is coming and she hasn't paid her heating bill in months." |
Give me a joke | Did you hear about the man who received a life sentence just for one day of bobsleighing? He killed twenty Bobs in one day. |
Give me a joke | Did you hear about the new garlic and onions diet? You eat nothing but garlic and onions for a week. You don't lose much weight, but people will be standing so far away you'll appear smaller. |
Give me a joke | The CEO of a major corporation is asked to give an address to shareholders at the yearly meeting. He asks the company press officer to write him a twenty-minute speech. |
Give me a joke | What's the worst part about sitting in traffic? Getting run over. |
Give me a joke | What goes click, "How about now?" click, "How about now?" click, "How about now?" A blind man attempting to solve a Rubik's Cube. |
Give me a joke | A hangover is the wrath of grapes. |
Give me a joke | Fart in church and you'll end up sitting in your own pew. |
Give me a joke | A woman was driving in rush-hour traffic when the car in front of her stopped suddenly. She didn't have time to brake and smashed right into the car's back bumper. |
Give me a joke | While watching a movie in the theater, a man can't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him. |
Give me a joke | A drunk man hails a taxi cab. When the taxi pulls over, the drunk sticks his head in the passenger side window and asks the driver, "Have you got room in here for a whole lobster and three bottles of wine?" |
Give me a joke | A drunk man stared at a huge billboard for more than an hour. The billboard, advertising soda, wanted the world to Drink Canada Dry. So the drunk bought a bus ticket to give it a shot. |
Give me a joke | A lady walks into a dress shop one afternoon after spotting a gorgeous strapless dress in the shop window. She tells the store clerk, "I'd like to try on that strapless dress in the window." |
Give me a joke | Three convicts escape from jail and are being chased by police. They turn onto a dark alley and spot a bunch of potato sacks. Each of the three hides in one. |
Give me a joke | A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?" |
Give me a joke | Three men are convicted of a crime and sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed to bring something into the cell. |
Give me a joke | A man is driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A police car pulls him over as he veers all over the road. |
Give me a joke | Just before boarding began, a flight attendant announced that the flight was overbooked. She explained that the airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. |
Give me a joke | The town drunk stumbles over to a parking meter, stands in front of it, and reads that there are sixty minutes left until it expires. "I don't believe it!" he cries out. "I've lost 100 pounds!" |
Give me a joke | A prisoner finishes a thirty-year sentence and is released from jail. The moment he's outside the prison walls, he begins to jump up and down and scream out, "I'm free! I'm free!" |
Give me a joke | A man releases a genie from a bottle and is granted only two wishes. "Fine," says the man, "I can live with just two wishes. I'll take the best wine in the world and best woman in the world as my wife." |
Give me a joke | Fifteen minutes into a cross-country flight, the plane's captain announces over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed." |
Give me a joke | A drunk man arrives for his day in court. He appears before the judge, who looks down at his case file and says, "You've been brought here for drinking." |
Give me a joke | After a two-week criminal trial in a very high-profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ends its fourteen hours of deliberations and enters the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. |
Give me a joke | A guy walks into a bar and grabs a stool. Before he can order a drink, the bowl of pretzels on the bar in front of him says, "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." |
Give me a joke | Two classmates are discussing the current state of their alma mater at a reunion weekend barbecue. "Things have really gotten crazy here," the first man says. |
Give me a joke | Did you hear about the social studies teacher fired for being cross-eyed? He couldn't control his pupils. |
Give me a joke | Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It's on a collision course with his ship. He sends out a light signal: "Change your course ten degrees east." |
Give me a joke | A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he'd like something tall, icy, and full of vodka. The bartender holds up his finger for the man to wait a minute and yells into the back room, "Hey Tiffany, someone is here looking for you!" |
Give me a joke | A woman calls her husband's cell phone to tell him the car is giving her a problem. She thinks there is water in the carburetor. "How the heck would you know that?" the husband asks. "Because I just drove it into a canal." |
Give me a joke | A pastor was enraged when he found a bill for a $250 dress in his wife's purse. "How could you do this?" the pastor cried. "You know we're on an incredibly tight budget!" |
Give me a joke | A drunk man falls down the front steps of the W Hotel in New York. He lands at the feet of a cab driver waiting for his next fare. The drunk man stands up and says, "Take me to the W Hotel!" |
Give me a joke | One evening an old farmer decides to go down to his pond. He hasn't been there in months, and feels the urge to check on things. As he gets closer, he hears loud giggling coming from the pond. |
Give me a joke | A diet guru is holding a seminar in the conference room of a large hotel. "The food we eat," he explains, "is slowly killing us. Red meats attack the heart. Vegetables and fruits are sprayed with harmful pesticides." |
Give me a joke | A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera. He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn't speeding. |
Give me a joke | A man was complaining about the local police to his neighbor. "I'm sick of the cops in this town telling me how to drive when they are some of the worst drivers in the state." |
Give me a joke | Every week, I constantly pass signs on the side of the road that say Police, Accident. |
Give me a joke | A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty. "What happens when I turn fifty?" the young woman asks, staring down at the cards. "Oh, nothing," said the fortuneteller. "You'll just be used to it by then." |
Give me a joke | There are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning." |
Give me a joke | A man spends the entire night getting hammered at his local pub. After last call, the man stands up from his stool but falls flat on his face trying to walk. He pulls himself up in the doorway of the bar, attempts to stand, but falls flat on his face to the sidewalk. He drags himself to his car and drives home. He tries to unlock his front door, finally gets it unlocked, but falls flat on his face in the hallway of his home. His wife is standing on the steps to the bedroom, waiting for the man. "You've been out drinking again, haven't you?" "What makes you say that?" the man asks, still lying on the cold wooden floor. "Because the bar called. You forgot your wheelchair again!" |