Khalida1w/funny_quotes · Datasets at Hugging Face

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“My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn.""She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn't enough action."-Ranger and Stephanie”	Janet Evanovich,	[ "funny", "janet-evanovich", "ranger", "stephanie-plum" ]
“Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain”	Jon Stewart	[ "funny" ]
“Valkyrie walked to the back door, which hadn't been closed properly, shut it and locked it. There was now a baby in the house, after all. She couldn't take the chance that a wild animal might wander in and make off with Alice, like those dingoes in Australia. She was probably being unfair to both dingoes and Australia, but she couldn't risk it. Locked doors kept the dingoes out, and that's all there was to it, even if she didn't know what a dingo actually was. She took out her phone, searched the Internet, found a picture of a baby dingo and now she really wanted a baby dingo for a pet.”	Derek Landy,	[ "australia", "baby-safety", "child-safety", "dingo", "dingoes", "funny", "humor", "humorous", "precaution", "wild-animals" ]
“I smack myself in the forehead. “Holy priceless collection of Etruscan snoods, they’re not moving!” I exclaim. There’s a choking noise over my head somewhere. “Etruscan snoods?” I glow quietly inside. Some accomplishments mean more than others. I am officially the Shit. Now and forever. “Dude, watch your question marks. I just pried one out of you.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “Admit it, you lost your eternal fecking composure.” “You have an obsession with a delusion about how I end my sentences. What the fuck are Etruscan snoods?” “Dunno. It’s just another of Robin’s sayings. Like, ‘Holy strawberries, Batman, we’re in a jam!’ ” “Strawberries.” “Or, ‘Holy Kleenex, Batman, it was right under our nose and we blew it!’ ”	Karen Marie Moning,	[ "dani-o-malley", "fever-series", "funny", "iced", "ryodan" ]
“My imagination is something of a badass.”	DC Pierson,	[ "funny", "imagination" ]
“I'm going to take a shower," I said and prepared for the comment I knew was coming. "You know what they say, conserve water and shower with a friend.”	Chelsea M. Cameron,	[ "chelsea-m-cameron", "funny", "hunter-zaccadelli", "my-favorite-mistake", "shower", "taylor-and-hunter", "taylor-caldwell" ]
“I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.”	Kinky Friedman	[ "funny", "gay-marriage", "kinky-friedman", "marriage" ]
“He didn't want me to get hurt? Wow. Just wow. I might actually be close to a swoon here”	Jessica Verday,	[ "abbey", "funny", "jessica-verday", "the-hollow" ]
“[The American President] has to take all sorts of abuse from liars and demagogues.… The people can never understand why the President does not use his supposedly great power to make ’em behave. Well, all the President is, is a glorified public relations man who spends his time flattering, kissing and kicking people to get them to do what they are supposed to do anyway.”	Harry S. Truman	[ "democracy", "democracy-fascism", "democracy-freedom", "democracy-voting", "democrats", "elections", "funny", "government", "political-science", "politicians", "politics-observation", "politics-science", "politicsics", "power", "president", "republicans" ]
“I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.”	Brian Helgeland,	[ "chaucer", "funny", "movies" ]
“If they wanted their shit stirred, then stirred their shit was jolly well going to be.”	Stephen Clarke,	[ "british", "funny" ]
“All of my best friends are dead people. Someday I've got to figure out how that happened.”	Claudia Gray,	[ "dead-people", "friends", "funny", "random", "vic" ]
“Life is like butter - when things cool down it can be reshaped”	Alan Sheinwald,	[ "accomplishment", "action", "actions", "alan-sheinwald", "art", "attributed", "be-yourself", "belief", "best", "confidence", "experience", "faith", "fate", "fear", "fitting-in", "freedom", "funny", "human-nature", "inspirational", "integrity", "life", "light", "live", "magination", "mistakes", "peace", "perception", "pessimism", "planning", "plans", "reality", "relationships", "romance", "sadness", "smile", "smiling", "strategy", "strength", "those-who-matter", "wisdom" ]
“I'M SCOTTISH!”	Elizabeth Wein,	[ "argument", "english", "funny", "humor", "scottish" ]
“Yes," he said. "I am sure. I double-checked everything after you went home yesterday. I even made a few improvements, just in case." The first part of that reassured her. The second part... not so much. "What kind of improvements?" "Oh, nothing, really. Mostly just streamlining. You really did very well; I certainly don't want you to think that I am one of those people who has to be in control all the- Oh, well, I suppose that's actually true- I do have to be in control all the time. But only because I am in charge, of course.”	Rachel Caine,	[ "claire-danvers", "funny", "ghost-town", "humor", "morganville-vampires", "myrnin", "rachel-caine", "vampire", "vampires" ]
“The Doctor: I've seen bigger.Clara: Really?The Doctor: Are you joking? It's massive!”	Steven Moffat	[ "clara-oswin-oswald", "doctor-who", "funny", "good", "humor", "the-doctor" ]
“If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.”	Bauvard,	[ "aging", "funny", "humor", "women" ]
“I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline.”	Michael Summers,	[ "dreaming", "dreams", "funny", "humor", "life", "relationships", "sleep", "sleeping" ]
“I had a dream about you last night.. You were playing with chicken livers and told me everyone was in quarantine.”	Amy Summers,	[ "dreaming", "dreams", "funny", "humor", "life", "relationships", "sleep", "sleeping" ]
“Let me ask you something, in all the years that you have...undressed in front of a gentleman has he ever asked you to leave? Has he ever walked out and left? No? It's because he doesn't care! He's in a room with a naked girl, he just won the lottery. I am so tired of saying no, waking up in the morning and recalling every single thing I ate the day before, counting every calorie I consumed so I know just how much self loathing to take into the shower. I'm going for it. I have no interest in being obese, I'm just through with the guilt. So this is what I'm going to do, I'm going to finish this pizza, and then we are going to go watch the soccer game, and tomorrow we are going to go on a little date and buy ourselves some bigger jeans.”	Elizabeth Gilbert	[ "body-image", "funny", "italy", "jeans", "love", "self-esteem" ]
“The queen's eyes smouldered. "I know my own kind when I see them, and right now there is one in these city walls." She pointed a finger toward the balcony."I want her found and brought to me.""Right," said Kai,"that'll be no problem in a city of two and a half million people. Let me just go dig out my special Lunar detector, and I'll get right on that.”	Marissa Meyer,	[ "funny" ]
“There were no windows in my bedroom, so I had to sit up and read my clock to figure out how angry I should be at my visitor. Eight A.M. I hated whoever woke me up. Had they come an hour earlier, I would have also hated their families and any household pets.”	Lish McBride,	[ "funny", "humor" ]
“Will sat where he was, gazing at the silver bowl in front of him; a white rose was floating in it, and he seemed prepared to stare at it until it went under. In the Kitchen Bridget was still singing one of her awful sad songs; the lyrics drifted in through the door: "Twas on an evening fair I went to take the air, I heard a maid making her moan; Said, 'Saw ye my father? Or ye my mother? Or saw ye my brother John? Or saw ye the lad that I love best, And his name it is Sweet William?" I may murder her, Tessa thought. Let her make a song about that.”	Cassandra Clare,	[ "funny" ]
“SHUT UP. Both of you. You're coming with me." To me he said, "Put some pants on.""Fuck you. This is my house. I make the rules. You take your clothes off. John, get the Twister mat.”	David Wong,	[ "favorite-books", "funny", "vulgar" ]
“I'm way hot," he muttered. "But I don't feel sick. Just — way hot."Fang”	James Patterson,	[ "fang", "funny" ]
“After climbing off his bike, I smacked his shoulder. “Did you forget I was with you? Are you trying to get me killed?”“It’s hard to forget you’re behind me when your thighs are squeezing the life out of me.” A smirk came with his next thought. “I couldn’t think of a better way to die, actually.”“There is something very wrong with you.”	Jamie McGuire,	[ "abby-abernathy", "abby-and-travis", "beautiful-disaster", "bike", "funny", "jamie-mcguire", "sweet", "travis-maddox" ]
“He would have shaved the centaurs, dipped them in honey, covered them with feathers, and hung them up like a bunch of pinatas. I'm just saying." - Warren”	Brandon Mull	[ "burgess", "centaurs", "funny", "humor", "patton", "warren" ]
“You can’t enjoy art or books in a hurry.”	E.A. Bucchianeri,	[ "art", "arts", "arts-and-humanities", "book", "books", "culture", "easy-going", "enjoying-art", "enjoyment", "funny", "funny-book-quotes", "humanities", "i-love-art", "i-love-books", "i-love-reading", "i-love-to-read", "laid-back", "literature", "reading", "reading-books", "taking-your-time" ]
“He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.”	Carroll Bryant	[ "funny", "funny-but-true", "humor", "humorous", "humorous-quotes" ]
“Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals.”	Amit Kalantri,	[ "animal", "animal-instinct", "animals", "clever", "cleverness", "earth", "fun", "funny", "funny-quotes", "human", "humans", "inspiration", "inspirational", "inspirational-quotes", "intelligence", "intelligent", "intelligent-men", "man-is-clever", "motivation", "motivational", "motivational-quotes", "philosophy", "strength", "strong", "wisdom", "wisdom-quotes", "wit", "witty", "witty-quotes" ]
“Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.”	Darynda Jones,	[ "funny", "humour", "paperwork" ]
“I hated that the soldier doll had my name. I mean, please. I didn't play with him much. He was another Christmas present from my clueless grandparents. One time when they were visiting, my grandpa asked me if G.I. Joe had been in any wars lately. I said, "No, but he and Ken got married last week." Every Christmas since then, my grandparents have sent me a check.”	James Howe,	[ "funny", "gender", "gi-joe", "homosexuality" ]
“Jake wasn't about to be seduced like some schoolgirl. Not by a man who went by the unlikely name of Tornado, not by anyone. He stood as firmly as he could in the mud and tore his mouth from the kiss, staring into too dark eyes. As his hands made their way into Tor's wet jeans he said, "This doesn't mean I like you, you know.”	Chris Owen,	[ "funny", "hot" ]
“Girls, on the other hand, have always come easy. I don't know why that is, exactly. Maybe it's the outsider vibe and a well-placed brooding look. Maybe it's something I think I see sometimes in the mirror, something that reminds me of my father. Or maybe I'm just damn easy on the eyes.”	Kendare Blake,	[ "anna", "anna-dressed-in-blood", "attraction", "cas", "cassio", "funny", "love", "sarcastic" ]
“He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.”	Darynda Jones,	[ "charley-davidson", "first-grave-on-the-right", "funny" ]
“There are very few personal problems that can't be solved with a suitable application of high explosives.”	Darynda Jones,	[ "funny", "t-shirt-sayings" ]
“Iggy. This is not a democracy," I said,(...)"It'sa Maxocracy.”	James Patterson,	[ "funny", "iggy", "maxocracy" ]
“1. You left a multipack of Mars Bars on top of your wardrobe. Can I have one? Dad x2. I had three. Hope that's OK. Dad x3. I'm just going to have one more. Dad x4. Harriet, your Dad's made himself sick on an entire multipack of Mars Bars again. Please don't leave sweets where we can find them. A x”	Holly Smale,	[ "british", "funny", "humour", "texting" ]
“We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.”	Mokokoma Mokhonoana	[ "adversity", "affliction", "aphorism", "aphorisms", "aphorist", "aphorists", "austerity", "be-determined", "be-persistent", "be-tenacious", "carry-on", "challenge", "challenges", "continue", "deprivation", "destitution", "determination", "difficult", "difficulties", "dire-straits", "distress", "doggedness", "dream", "dreamer", "dreamers", "endurance", "entrepreneur", "entrepreneurs", "firmness", "follow-through", "funny", "give-up", "go-on", "go-the-distance", "hammer-away", "hang-in-there", "hang-on", "hardship", "hardships", "hilarious", "hold-on", "humor", "humorous", "humour", "impecuniousness", "indefatigability", "inspiration", "inspire", "intransigence", "joke", "jokes", "keep-at-it", "keep-going", "keep-on", "leave-no-stone-unturned", "mental-strength", "mentally-strong", "misery", "misfortune", "motivate", "motivation", "need", "neediness", "never-give-up", "not-take-no-for-an-answer", "obduracy", "obstinacy", "pain", "patience", "penury", "perseverance", "persevere", "persist", "persistence", "pertinacity", "plod-on", "plug-away", "poverty", "press-ahead", "press-on", "privation", "problem", "problems", "purposefulness", "quotations", "quotes", "resoluteness", "resolution", "resolve", "satire", "soldier-on", "stamina", "stand-fast", "stand-firm", "startup", "startups", "staunchness", "stay-the-course", "staying-power", "steadfastness", "stick-it-out", "stoic", "stoicism", "stoics", "stop-at-nothing", "strength", "strength-of-purpose", "strong", "struggle-on", "stubbornness", "suffer", "suffering", "tenacity", "tirelessness", "travails", "trial", "trials", "trials-and-tribulations", "tribulation", "tribulations", "trouble", "venture-capitalist", "venture-capitalists", "want", "wretchedness" ]
“His heavy-lidded gaze reflected a languor that had nothing to do with having just awakened, and there was no doubt what was on his mind. But this is no safe cherry picker, Gwen thought, growing more concerned by the moment.This man looks like a cherry tree chopper-downer.”	Karen Marie Moning,	[ "funny" ]
“Keefe shouted, "YOU GUYS HAVE TO SEE THIS!" They ran to the main room and found Keefe standing under the skylight, holding up Mr. Snuggles like it was a baby lion about to be made kind. The sparkly red dragon twinkled almost as much as Keefe's eyes as he said, "I went in to check on our boy and found him cuddling with this!”	Shannon Messenger,	[ "funny", "humor", "keefe", "keefe-sencen", "keeper-of-the-lost-cities", "kotlc" ]
“...she's leaving now....Janis attacks the back door of the school gym and finds herself in a heavy cloud of smoke. She realizes she's found the Goths' hangout. Who knew?"Oof," someone says. She keeps walking, muttering, "sorry" to whomever it was she hit with the flying door.***Cabel: ... That was the Goth stage where I decided I'd never get the girl of my dreams because of my scars. Not to mention the hairstyle.(pause)But then she slammed a door handle into my gut. And, when a girl does that to a boy, it means she likes him.”	Lisa McMann,	[ "funny" ]
“Elizabeth."I feel my smile on my face as I understand what she is doing. Though it's a strange one, she has a name-sound just like I do, and she's telling me what it is. I try to make the same sounds."Ehh..beh." I frown. Why is her name-sound so difficult and so long?She frowns right back at me and says it again. "Elizabeth.""Beh-tah-babaa."She sighs and her forehead wrinkles. "Elizabeth. Eeee-lizzzz-ahh-beth.""Laahh...baaay."She taps her chest again."Beth!"The sound is shorter but still very odd."Beh-bet.""Beth," she repeats.I've had enough. I reach out and touch her should."Beh.""Beth." I tap her a little harder and growl."Beh", I repeat. I tap her again. "BEH!"Her eyes widen a bit, and she inhales sharply. A moment later, her shoulders drop and she sighs."Beh," she says quietly.”	Shay Savage,	[ "cute", "funny" ]
“Whoa. Not too stiff," Cody said. "Secure, strong, but calm. Like you're caressing a beautiful woman, remember?"That made me think of Megan.I lost control, and a green wave of smoky energy burst from my hand and flew out in front of me. It missed the pipe completely, but vaporized the metal leg of the chair it sat on. Dust showered down and the chair went lopsided, dumping the pipe to the floor with a clang."Sparks," Cody said. "Remind me to never let you caress me, lad.”	Brandon Sanderson,	[ "epic-fail", "funny", "humor", "slightly-awkward" ]
“They say the content and the cover are the most important things when it comes to a book or a novel, right? I totally disagree – The reader is the most important thing to a book”	Jimmy Tudeski,	[ "funny", "kind", "nice" ]
“You know how I think they choose people for Gryffindor team?" said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later, as Snape awarded Hufflepuff another penalty for now reason at all. "It's people they feel sorry for. See, there's Potter, who's got no parents, then there's the Weasleys, who've got no money - you should be on the team, Longbottom, you've got no brains.”	J.K. Rowling,	[ "darco", "funny", "longbottom", "malfoy", "neville" ]
“Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt.Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt’s collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I’dmet them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on topof it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted.“Hindenburg,” I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. “Walt, why in the world—?”“Sorry!” he yelled. “Wrong amulet!”The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn’t much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawedat the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas.I moved to Walt’s side and tried to get my bearings.”	Rick Riordan,	[ "carter-kane", "destruction", "earthquakes", "floods", "funny", "funny-and-random", "giant-snake", "humour", "ra", "rebellious", "riordan", "riots", "sadie-kane", "serpent", "snake", "sun", "survive", "tornado", "tsunamis" ]
“(Aries can be impatient)I wouldn't call myself impatient. I just like to get things done really fast.”	Jimmy Tudeski,	[ "astrology", "funny" ]
“This is an Aston Martin, Gin.You don't run over dead bodies in an Aston Matin.""Tell that to James Bond”	Jennifer Estep,	[ "aston-martin", "comeback", "funny", "james-bond", "web-of-lies" ]
“So hologram means--" I finally said."It means non-corporeal, yeah. Which sucks seeing as how there are a lot of very corporeal things I'd like to do with you right now.”	Rachel Hawkins,	[ "archer", "archer-cross", "corporeal", "funny", "hex-hall", "hologram", "rachel-hawkins", "sexy", "sophie", "spell-bound" ]
“And when demigods use cell phones, the signals agitate every monster within a hundred miles. It's like sending up a flare: Here I am! Please rearrange my face!”	Rick Riordan,	[ "funny", "rick-riordan" ]
“Yes, I'm back," he said, "And look who I ran into."Horace grinned at him. "i hope you ran into him hard.""As hard as I could.”	John Flanagan,	[ "funny" ]
“Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.”	Honore de Balzac	[ "clever", "funny", "humour", "sarcasism", "witty" ]
“I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it”	Terry Lander,	[ "aspiration", "comedy", "funny", "humour", "inspiration", "life", "poetry" ]
“But Amy," Elder says. "Space suits!”	Beth Revis,	[ "a-million-suns", "funny" ]
“She was the most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from one story to another was a mystery beyond solution. A lady so decorous in herself, and so highly connected, was not to be suspected of dropping over the banisters or sliding down them, yet her extraordinary facility of locomotion suggested the wild idea.”	Charles Dickens,	[ "funny", "humor" ]
“I guess I like things that take time and attention. More worthwhile that way.”	Huntley Fitzpatrick,	[ "funny", "humour", "romance", "young-adult", "young-adult-romance" ]
“Friends are like bras, attached near your heart for support. Foes are like panties, deported, every now and then, when they get dirty.”	Santosh Kalwar,	[ "friends", "funny", "inspirational", "love" ]
“Hatsuharu Sohma: [after tripping Kyo] If I hadn't had tripped you, you wouldn't have stopped now would you.[addressing the audience]Hatsuharu Sohma: By the way what I just did was very dangerous. And if it had been anyone but Kyo they probably would have been hurt pretty badly, so don't try it at home.Kyo Sohma: Don't try it here and who are you even talking to? ”	Natsuki Takaya	[ "fruits-basket", "funny" ]
“I felt my cheeks turn red, and she laughed out loud. But I didn't mind too much, because the last thing she saw was my middle finger aimed in her direction as I stepped outside”	Jessica Verday,	[ "abbey", "comeback", "funny", "jessica-verday", "the-hollow" ]
“It's sick and twisted and violent. Other than that it is totally G rated.”	Elizabeth Cruickshank	[ "battle-royale", "funny", "oxymoron", "sick", "twisted", "vioolence" ]
“No bikinis on a first date.” He nods. “I’m sure that’s a rule. Or should be. For my sisters anyway.”	Huntley Fitzpatrick,	[ "funny", "humour", "romance", "young-adult", "young-adult-romance" ]
“Look at him,” she said, shaking her head. “Travis Maddox: Mr. Mom.”	Jamie McGuire,	[ "america", "beautiful-disaster", "funny", "jamie-mcguire", "mr-mom", "travis-maddox" ]
“Jean grinned down at her, and she handed him something in a small silk bag.'What's this?''Lock of my hair, ' she said. 'Meant to give it to you days ago, but we got busy with all the raiding. You know. Piracy. Hectic life. ''Thank you, love, ' he said.'Now, if you find yourself in trouble wherever you go, you can hold up that little bag to whoever's bothering you, and you can say, "You have no idea who you're fucking with. I'm under the protection of the lady who gave me this object of her favour. "''And that's supposed to make them stop?''Shit no, that's just to confuse them. Then you kill them while they're standing there looking at you funny.”	Scott Lynch,	[ "awesome", "funny", "romantic" ]
“That cat doesn't have a lick of sense,' I said, sighing.Well, honey, he's not right in the head,' Dad said, flipping his cigarette into the front yard.I glared at him. 'And just what do you mean by that?'Dad counted on his fingers. 'He's cross-eyed; he jumps out of trees after birds and then doesn't land on his feet; he sleeps with his head smashed up against the wall, and the tip of his tail is crooked.'Oh yeah? Well, how about this: he once got locked in a basement by evil Petey Scroggs in the middle of January and survived on snow and little frozen mice. When I'm cold at night he sleeps right on my face. Of that whole litter of kittens he came out of he's the only one left. One of his brothers didn't even have a butthole.'I stand corrected. PeeDink is a survivor.”	Haven Kimmel,	[ "funny" ]
“If the Lord hasn't got a boyfriend lined up for me to marry, that's his business.”	Barbara Kingsolver,	[ "funny", "humor", "love", "poisonwood-bible" ]
“Master Kell,” said Alucard, cheerfully. “What an unexpected pleasure, running into you here.” His voice had a natural undercurrent of laughter in it, and Kell could never tell if he was being mocked.“I don’t see how it’s unexpected,” said Kell, “as I live here. What is unexpected is running into you, since I thought I made myself quite clear the last time we met.”“Quite,” echoed Alucard.“Then what were you doing in my brother ’s chambers?”Alucard raised a single studded brow. “Do you want a detailed account? Or will a summary suffice?”	V.E. Schwab,	[ "funny" ]
“Now that that's settled, you're coming with me.""Never in a billion suns. Not even if Zeus showed up as a swan and tried to peck me in your direction. I wouldn't go with you even if my other option was Hades dragging me to the Underworld for an eternal threesome with Persephone.”	Amanda Bouchet,	[ "amanda-bouchet", "cat", "funny", "griffin", "humor", "kingmaker-chronicles" ]
“Do you see that man in the black Porsche?" I asked the women.They squinted out at Ranger. "Yes," they said."Your partner.""He's homeless. He's looking for a place to stay and he might be interested in renting Singh's room."Mrs.Apusenja's eyes widened. "We could use the income."She looked at Nonnie and then back at Ranger. "Is he married?""Nope. He's single. He's a real catch."Connie did something between a gasp and a snort and buried her head back behind the computer. "Thank you for everything." Mrs.Apusenja said. "I suppose you are not such a bad slut. I will go talk to your partner.:"Omigod," Connie said, when the door closed behind the Apusenja's. "Ranger's going to kill you." The Apusenjas stood beside the Porsche, talkig to Ranger for a few long minutes, giving him the big sales pitch. The pitch wound down, Ranger responded, and Mrs. Apusenja looked disappointed. The two women crossed the road and got into the burgundy Escort and quickly drove away. Ranger turned his head in my direction and our eyes met. His expression was still bemused, but this time it was the sort of bemused expression a kid has when he's pulling the wings off a fly."Uh-Oh,"Connie said. I whipped around and faced Connie. "Quick, give me an FTA. You're backed up, right? For God's sake, give me something fast. I need a reason to stand here until he calms down!" Connie shoved a pile of folders at me. "Pick one. Any one! Oh shit, he's getting out of his car."....He leaned into me and his lips brushed the shell of my ear. "Feeling playful?""I don't know what you're talking about.""Watch your back babe. I will get even."-Ranger and Stephanie”	Janet Evanovich,	[ "connie", "funny", "humor", "ranger", "stephanie-plum" ]
“Is there any good news?' Tesla said.Who ever promised that? Who ever said there'd be good news?”	Clive Barker,	[ "despair", "funny", "life" ]
“Why?' He asked.'Why what?' What could I say? Noah, despite you being an asshole, or maybe because of it, I'd like to rip off your clothes and have your babies. Don't tell.”	Michelle Hodkin,	[ "asshole", "babies", "clothes", "crazy", "cute", "don-t-tell", "don-t-tell-anyone", "funny", "having-babies", "humerous", "love", "love-hate-relationship", "mara-dyer", "noah", "noah-shaw", "random", "relationships", "rip-off-clothes", "secret", "sex", "shh", "why" ]
“I read the title from the cover. ' 'The joy of... crap.' ' I read the rest of the full title of the thick, nondescript volume to myself and felt myself redden.Noah turned over on to his side and said with mock seriousness, 'I have never read 'The Joy Of Crap'. Sounds disgusting.' I blushed deeper. 'I have, however, read 'The Joy Of Sex.' ' He continued, a smile transforming his face. 'Not in a while, but I think it's one of those classics you can come back to again... and again.”	Michelle Hodkin,	[ "awkward", "blushing", "book", "classic", "cringe", "cute", "embarrassing", "funny", "humerous", "joy", "mara-dyer", "noah-shaw", "old", "romance", "sex", "the-joy-of-sex" ]
“That's the problem with best friends. Sometimes they know you better than you know yourself.”	Cecily von Ziegesar,	[ "best-friends", "book", "books", "friends", "friendship", "fun", "funny", "gossip-girl", "happy", "knowledge", "life", "love", "quote", "quotes" ]
“I think you’re wonderful.” “Wonderful, huh?” “Yep,” I say, and link my arm in his. “You’re smart and funny and kind and — ” “Handsome,” he says. “Don’t forget handsome." “And very handsome”	Tahereh Mafi,	[ "friendship", "funny", "juliette", "kenji", "restoreme" ]
“My tiny scary friend is coming”	Laini Taylor,	[ "daughter-of-smoke-and-bone", "funny", "karou" ]
“Marc’s hand tightened visibly around Kevin’s fingers, his digits going white. Again. Both men clenched their jaws, Kevin in pain, and Marc in an obvious effort to control his temper and keep from breaking Kevin’s hand. Off. Why couldn’t guys find a more original way to test each other’s manly prowess? Arm wrestling might have been more subtle. Or maybe comparing the length of their…canines.”	Rachel Vincent,	[ "funny" ]
“Anyway... she knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a horse who knows a goat who knows another horse-”	Rick Riordan,	[ "coach-hedge", "funny" ]
“Meet Tony. My first chest hair. I called him Tony as he’s Tony one I got,” Connor laughed.Jason laughed at his joke at first and then as fast as lightning grabbed Connor’s only chest hair and plucked it.“Tony one you had,” Jason corrected.”	Mark A. Cooper,	[ "connor", "funny", "jason", "jason-steed" ]
“What? Quinn's one of them? I just thought he was an a*shole!”	Simon Holt,	[ "aaron", "funny", "simon-holt", "the-devouring" ]
“Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!”	Rick Riordan,	[ "die-demigod-scum", "funny", "hilarious", "humor", "laugh-out-loud", "name-badge", "random", "rick-riordan", "the-son-of-neptune" ]
“Isn't that someone we know?" asked Horace. He pointed to where a cloaked figure sat by the side of the road a few hundred meters away, arms wrapped around his knees. Close by him, a small shaggy horse cropped the grass growing at the edge of the drainage ditch that ran beside the road."So it is," Halt replied. "And he seems to have brought Will with him.”	John Flanagan,	[ "funny" ]
“Somehow, Sydney had an internal clock that told her when time was up. I think it was part of her inherent ability to keep track of a hundred things at once. Not me. In these moments, my thoughts were usually focused on getting her shirt off and whether I’d get past the bra this time. So far, I hadn’t.”	Richelle Mead,	[ "adrian-ivashkov", "bloodlines", "funny", "hot", "kissing", "sydney-sage", "sydrian", "the-fiery-heart" ]
“The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.”	David Sedaris,	[ "funny", "holidays", "religion" ]
“I'm healthy as an ox. And you?" "To compare myself with a bovine would be both ridiculous and insulting, but I'm fit as ever, if that is what you are asking.”	Christopher Paolini,	[ "eragon", "funny", "saphira" ]
“There had to be a circle of Hell where you were eternally fourteen, eternally in junior high. One of the lower circles.”	Laurell K. Hamilton,	[ "anita-blake", "funny" ]
“There's no equality in the blow job, if all you ever do is suck at it!”	Jimmy Tudeski,	[ "funny" ]
“Are you okay with what we ordered?” Angeline asked him. “You didn’t pipe up with any requests.” Neil shook his head, face stoic. He kept his dark hair in a painfully short and efficient haircut. It was the kind of no-nonsense thing the Alchemists would’ve loved. “I can’t waste time quibbling over trivial things like pepperoni and mushrooms. If you’d gone to my school in Devonshire, you’d understand. For one of my sophomore classes, they left us alone on the moors to fend for ourselves and learn survival skills. Spend three days eating twigs and heather, and you’ll learn not to argue about any food coming your way.” Angeline and Jill cooed as though that was the most rugged, manly thing they’d ever heard. Eddie wore an expression that reflected what I felt, puzzling over whether this guy was as serious as he seemed or just some genius with swoon-worthy lines.”	Richelle Mead,	[ "adrian-ivashkov", "angeline-dawes", "bloodlines", "cute", "eddie-castile", "funny", "humor", "jill-dragomir", "swoon-worthy", "sydney-sage", "sydrian", "the-fiery-heart" ]
“I am not forgotten, you know, no, I still receive a very great deal of fan mail.. . . Gladys Gudgeon writes weekly. . . . I just wish I knew why. . . .”He paused, looking faintly puzzled, then beamed again and returned to his signing with renewed vigor. “I suspect it is simply my good looks. . . .”	J.K. Rowling,	[ "funny", "gilderoy", "harry-potter", "humor", "lockehart", "rowling" ]
“Don’t lick the guests, darling. Bad manners.”	Patricia Briggs,	[ "funny" ]
“You've brushed your teeth," He says, staring at me."I used your toothbrush."His lips quirk up in a half smile. "Oh Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?”	E.L. James,	[ "ana", "anastasia", "anastasia-steele", "christian", "fifty-shades", "fifty-shades-of-grey", "funny", "humor", "sex", "toothbrush" ]
“Barzûl!”	Christopher Paolini,	[ "brisingr", "eldest", "eragon", "funny", "humor", "orik" ]
“I had died and woken up in High School Musical”	Jamie McGuire,	[ "abby-abernathy", "beautiful-disaster", "funny", "high-school-musical", "jamie-mcguire" ]
“Cat, hmmm? From where I sit you look more like a Kitten."My head jerked around and I shot him an annoyed look. Oh, I was going to enjoy this, all right. "It's Cat," I repeated firmly. "Cat Raven.""Whatever you say, Kitten Tweedy.”	Jeaniene Frost,	[ "bones", "cat-crawfield", "catherine-crawfield", "funny", "halfway-to-the-grave", "humor", "jeaniene-frost", "kitten-tweedy", "night-huntress" ]
“So the plan wasn't a clusterfuck, it was just circling the clusterfuck target zone, getting ready to come in for a landing.”	Martha Wells,	[ "funny", "murderbot", "sarcasm", "swearing" ]
“This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.”	P.G. Wodehouse	[ "funny", "humor", "jeeves", "wooster" ]
“Trust her; we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.”	Sandi Lynn,	[ "funny", "humor", "periods", "psycho" ]
“There was the smell of old books, a smell that has a way of making all libraries seem the same. Some say that smell is asbestos. ”	Scott Douglas,	[ "funny", "libraries" ]
“Stomp stomp. Whirr. Pleased to be of service.Shut up.Thank you.Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. Thank you for making a simple door very happy.Hope your diodes rot.Thank you. Have a nice day.Stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. It is my pleasure to open for you...Zark off....and my satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done.I said zark off.Thank you for listening to this message.”	Douglas Adams	[ "funny", "humor", "random" ]
“Nerd life is just so much better than regular life.”	John Green	[ "author", "funny", "john-green", "quote", "true" ]
“What is it about hairdressers? You tell them 'not too short' and some part of their hairdresser brain hears this as 'whack the shit out of it.' If you never say, 'not too short,' everything is fine. You say it, & it's a guarantee you'll come out ready for the military>”	Deb Caletti,	[ "funny" ]

“My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn.""She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn't enough action."-Ranger and Stephanie”

Janet Evanovich,

[ "funny", "janet-evanovich", "ranger", "stephanie-plum" ]

“Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain”

Jon Stewart

[ "funny" ]

“Valkyrie walked to the back door, which hadn't been closed properly, shut it and locked it. There was now a baby in the house, after all. She couldn't take the chance that a wild animal might wander in and make off with Alice, like those dingoes in Australia. She was probably being unfair to both dingoes and Australia, but she couldn't risk it. Locked doors kept the dingoes out, and that's all there was to it, even if she didn't know what a dingo actually was. She took out her phone, searched the Internet, found a picture of a baby dingo and now she really wanted a baby dingo for a pet.”

Derek Landy,

[ "australia", "baby-safety", "child-safety", "dingo", "dingoes", "funny", "humor", "humorous", "precaution", "wild-animals" ]

“I smack myself in the forehead. “Holy priceless collection of Etruscan snoods, they’re not moving!” I exclaim. There’s a choking noise over my head somewhere. “Etruscan snoods?” I glow quietly inside. Some accomplishments mean more than others. I am officially the Shit. Now and forever. “Dude, watch your question marks. I just pried one out of you.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “Admit it, you lost your eternal fecking composure.” “You have an obsession with a delusion about how I end my sentences. What the fuck are Etruscan snoods?” “Dunno. It’s just another of Robin’s sayings. Like, ‘Holy strawberries, Batman, we’re in a jam!’ ” “Strawberries.” “Or, ‘Holy Kleenex, Batman, it was right under our nose and we blew it!’ ”

Karen Marie Moning,

[ "dani-o-malley", "fever-series", "funny", "iced", "ryodan" ]

“My imagination is something of a badass.”

DC Pierson,

[ "funny", "imagination" ]

“I'm going to take a shower," I said and prepared for the comment I knew was coming. "You know what they say, conserve water and shower with a friend.”

Chelsea M. Cameron,

[ "chelsea-m-cameron", "funny", "hunter-zaccadelli", "my-favorite-mistake", "shower", "taylor-and-hunter", "taylor-caldwell" ]

“I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.”

Kinky Friedman

[ "funny", "gay-marriage", "kinky-friedman", "marriage" ]

“He didn't want me to get hurt? Wow. Just wow. I might actually be close to a swoon here”

Jessica Verday,

[ "abbey", "funny", "jessica-verday", "the-hollow" ]

“[The American President] has to take all sorts of abuse from liars and demagogues.… The people can never understand why the President does not use his supposedly great power to make ’em behave. Well, all the President is, is a glorified public relations man who spends his time flattering, kissing and kicking people to get them to do what they are supposed to do anyway.”

Harry S. Truman

[ "democracy", "democracy-fascism", "democracy-freedom", "democracy-voting", "democrats", "elections", "funny", "government", "political-science", "politicians", "politics-observation", "politics-science", "politicsics", "power", "president", "republicans" ]

“I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.”

Brian Helgeland,

[ "chaucer", "funny", "movies" ]

“If they wanted their shit stirred, then stirred their shit was jolly well going to be.”

Stephen Clarke,

[ "british", "funny" ]

“All of my best friends are dead people. Someday I've got to figure out how that happened.”

Claudia Gray,

[ "dead-people", "friends", "funny", "random", "vic" ]

“Life is like butter - when things cool down it can be reshaped”

Alan Sheinwald,

[ "accomplishment", "action", "actions", "alan-sheinwald", "art", "attributed", "be-yourself", "belief", "best", "confidence", "experience", "faith", "fate", "fear", "fitting-in", "freedom", "funny", "human-nature", "inspirational", "integrity", "life", "light", "live", "magination", "mistakes", "peace", "perception", "pessimism", "planning", "plans", "reality", "relationships", "romance", "sadness", "smile", "smiling", "strategy", "strength", "those-who-matter", "wisdom" ]

“I'M SCOTTISH!”

Elizabeth Wein,

[ "argument", "english", "funny", "humor", "scottish" ]

“Yes," he said. "I am sure. I double-checked everything after you went home yesterday. I even made a few improvements, just in case." The first part of that reassured her. The second part... not so much. "What kind of improvements?" "Oh, nothing, really. Mostly just streamlining. You really did very well; I certainly don't want you to think that I am one of those people who has to be in control all the- Oh, well, I suppose that's actually true- I do have to be in control all the time. But only because I am in charge, of course.”

Rachel Caine,

[ "claire-danvers", "funny", "ghost-town", "humor", "morganville-vampires", "myrnin", "rachel-caine", "vampire", "vampires" ]

“The Doctor: I've seen bigger.Clara: Really?The Doctor: Are you joking? It's massive!”

Steven Moffat

[ "clara-oswin-oswald", "doctor-who", "funny", "good", "humor", "the-doctor" ]

“If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.”

Bauvard,

[ "aging", "funny", "humor", "women" ]

“I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline.”

Michael Summers,

[ "dreaming", "dreams", "funny", "humor", "life", "relationships", "sleep", "sleeping" ]

“I had a dream about you last night.. You were playing with chicken livers and told me everyone was in quarantine.”

Amy Summers,

[ "dreaming", "dreams", "funny", "humor", "life", "relationships", "sleep", "sleeping" ]

“Let me ask you something, in all the years that you have...undressed in front of a gentleman has he ever asked you to leave? Has he ever walked out and left? No? It's because he doesn't care! He's in a room with a naked girl, he just won the lottery. I am so tired of saying no, waking up in the morning and recalling every single thing I ate the day before, counting every calorie I consumed so I know just how much self loathing to take into the shower. I'm going for it. I have no interest in being obese, I'm just through with the guilt. So this is what I'm going to do, I'm going to finish this pizza, and then we are going to go watch the soccer game, and tomorrow we are going to go on a little date and buy ourselves some bigger jeans.”

Elizabeth Gilbert

[ "body-image", "funny", "italy", "jeans", "love", "self-esteem" ]

“The queen's eyes smouldered. "I know my own kind when I see them, and right now there is one in these city walls." She pointed a finger toward the balcony."I want her found and brought to me.""Right," said Kai,"that'll be no problem in a city of two and a half million people. Let me just go dig out my special Lunar detector, and I'll get right on that.”

Marissa Meyer,

[ "funny" ]

“There were no windows in my bedroom, so I had to sit up and read my clock to figure out how angry I should be at my visitor. Eight A.M. I hated whoever woke me up. Had they come an hour earlier, I would have also hated their families and any household pets.”

Lish McBride,

[ "funny", "humor" ]

“Will sat where he was, gazing at the silver bowl in front of him; a white rose was floating in it, and he seemed prepared to stare at it until it went under. In the Kitchen Bridget was still singing one of her awful sad songs; the lyrics drifted in through the door: "Twas on an evening fair I went to take the air, I heard a maid making her moan; Said, 'Saw ye my father? Or ye my mother? Or saw ye my brother John? Or saw ye the lad that I love best, And his name it is Sweet William?" I may murder her, Tessa thought. Let her make a song about that.”

Cassandra Clare,

[ "funny" ]

“SHUT UP. Both of you. You're coming with me." To me he said, "Put some pants on.""Fuck you. This is my house. I make the rules. You take your clothes off. John, get the Twister mat.”

David Wong,

[ "favorite-books", "funny", "vulgar" ]

“I'm way hot," he muttered. "But I don't feel sick. Just — way hot."Fang”

James Patterson,

[ "fang", "funny" ]

“After climbing off his bike, I smacked his shoulder. “Did you forget I was with you? Are you trying to get me killed?”“It’s hard to forget you’re behind me when your thighs are squeezing the life out of me.” A smirk came with his next thought. “I couldn’t think of a better way to die, actually.”“There is something very wrong with you.”

Jamie McGuire,

[ "abby-abernathy", "abby-and-travis", "beautiful-disaster", "bike", "funny", "jamie-mcguire", "sweet", "travis-maddox" ]

“He would have shaved the centaurs, dipped them in honey, covered them with feathers, and hung them up like a bunch of pinatas. I'm just saying." - Warren”

Brandon Mull

[ "burgess", "centaurs", "funny", "humor", "patton", "warren" ]

“You can’t enjoy art or books in a hurry.”

E.A. Bucchianeri,

[ "art", "arts", "arts-and-humanities", "book", "books", "culture", "easy-going", "enjoying-art", "enjoyment", "funny", "funny-book-quotes", "humanities", "i-love-art", "i-love-books", "i-love-reading", "i-love-to-read", "laid-back", "literature", "reading", "reading-books", "taking-your-time" ]

“He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.”

Carroll Bryant

[ "funny", "funny-but-true", "humor", "humorous", "humorous-quotes" ]

“Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals.”

Amit Kalantri,

[ "animal", "animal-instinct", "animals", "clever", "cleverness", "earth", "fun", "funny", "funny-quotes", "human", "humans", "inspiration", "inspirational", "inspirational-quotes", "intelligence", "intelligent", "intelligent-men", "man-is-clever", "motivation", "motivational", "motivational-quotes", "philosophy", "strength", "strong", "wisdom", "wisdom-quotes", "wit", "witty", "witty-quotes" ]

“Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.”

Darynda Jones,

[ "funny", "humour", "paperwork" ]

“I hated that the soldier doll had my name. I mean, please. I didn't play with him much. He was another Christmas present from my clueless grandparents. One time when they were visiting, my grandpa asked me if G.I. Joe had been in any wars lately. I said, "No, but he and Ken got married last week." Every Christmas since then, my grandparents have sent me a check.”

James Howe,

[ "funny", "gender", "gi-joe", "homosexuality" ]

“Jake wasn't about to be seduced like some schoolgirl. Not by a man who went by the unlikely name of Tornado, not by anyone. He stood as firmly as he could in the mud and tore his mouth from the kiss, staring into too dark eyes. As his hands made their way into Tor's wet jeans he said, "This doesn't mean I like you, you know.”

Chris Owen,

[ "funny", "hot" ]

“Girls, on the other hand, have always come easy. I don't know why that is, exactly. Maybe it's the outsider vibe and a well-placed brooding look. Maybe it's something I think I see sometimes in the mirror, something that reminds me of my father. Or maybe I'm just damn easy on the eyes.”

Kendare Blake,

[ "anna", "anna-dressed-in-blood", "attraction", "cas", "cassio", "funny", "love", "sarcastic" ]

“He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.”

Darynda Jones,

[ "charley-davidson", "first-grave-on-the-right", "funny" ]

“There are very few personal problems that can't be solved with a suitable application of high explosives.”

Darynda Jones,

[ "funny", "t-shirt-sayings" ]

“Iggy. This is not a democracy," I said,(...)"It'sa Maxocracy.”

James Patterson,

[ "funny", "iggy", "maxocracy" ]

“1. You left a multipack of Mars Bars on top of your wardrobe. Can I have one? Dad x2. I had three. Hope that's OK. Dad x3. I'm just going to have one more. Dad x4. Harriet, your Dad's made himself sick on an entire multipack of Mars Bars again. Please don't leave sweets where we can find them. A x”

Holly Smale,

[ "british", "funny", "humour", "texting" ]

“We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.”

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

[ "adversity", "affliction", "aphorism", "aphorisms", "aphorist", "aphorists", "austerity", "be-determined", "be-persistent", "be-tenacious", "carry-on", "challenge", "challenges", "continue", "deprivation", "destitution", "determination", "difficult", "difficulties", "dire-straits", "distress", "doggedness", "dream", "dreamer", "dreamers", "endurance", "entrepreneur", "entrepreneurs", "firmness", "follow-through", "funny", "give-up", "go-on", "go-the-distance", "hammer-away", "hang-in-there", "hang-on", "hardship", "hardships", "hilarious", "hold-on", "humor", "humorous", "humour", "impecuniousness", "indefatigability", "inspiration", "inspire", "intransigence", "joke", "jokes", "keep-at-it", "keep-going", "keep-on", "leave-no-stone-unturned", "mental-strength", "mentally-strong", "misery", "misfortune", "motivate", "motivation", "need", "neediness", "never-give-up", "not-take-no-for-an-answer", "obduracy", "obstinacy", "pain", "patience", "penury", "perseverance", "persevere", "persist", "persistence", "pertinacity", "plod-on", "plug-away", "poverty", "press-ahead", "press-on", "privation", "problem", "problems", "purposefulness", "quotations", "quotes", "resoluteness", "resolution", "resolve", "satire", "soldier-on", "stamina", "stand-fast", "stand-firm", "startup", "startups", "staunchness", "stay-the-course", "staying-power", "steadfastness", "stick-it-out", "stoic", "stoicism", "stoics", "stop-at-nothing", "strength", "strength-of-purpose", "strong", "struggle-on", "stubbornness", "suffer", "suffering", "tenacity", "tirelessness", "travails", "trial", "trials", "trials-and-tribulations", "tribulation", "tribulations", "trouble", "venture-capitalist", "venture-capitalists", "want", "wretchedness" ]

“His heavy-lidded gaze reflected a languor that had nothing to do with having just awakened, and there was no doubt what was on his mind. But this is no safe cherry picker, Gwen thought, growing more concerned by the moment.This man looks like a cherry tree chopper-downer.”

Karen Marie Moning,

[ "funny" ]

“Keefe shouted, "YOU GUYS HAVE TO SEE THIS!" They ran to the main room and found Keefe standing under the skylight, holding up Mr. Snuggles like it was a baby lion about to be made kind. The sparkly red dragon twinkled almost as much as Keefe's eyes as he said, "I went in to check on our boy and found him cuddling with this!”

Shannon Messenger,

[ "funny", "humor", "keefe", "keefe-sencen", "keeper-of-the-lost-cities", "kotlc" ]

“...she's leaving now....Janis attacks the back door of the school gym and finds herself in a heavy cloud of smoke. She realizes she's found the Goths' hangout. Who knew?"Oof," someone says. She keeps walking, muttering, "sorry" to whomever it was she hit with the flying door.***Cabel: ... That was the Goth stage where I decided I'd never get the girl of my dreams because of my scars. Not to mention the hairstyle.(pause)But then she slammed a door handle into my gut. And, when a girl does that to a boy, it means she likes him.”

Lisa McMann,

[ "funny" ]

“Elizabeth."I feel my smile on my face as I understand what she is doing. Though it's a strange one, she has a name-sound just like I do, and she's telling me what it is. I try to make the same sounds."Ehh..beh." I frown. Why is her name-sound so difficult and so long?She frowns right back at me and says it again. "Elizabeth.""Beh-tah-babaa."She sighs and her forehead wrinkles. "Elizabeth. Eeee-lizzzz-ahh-beth.""Laahh...baaay."She taps her chest again."Beth!"The sound is shorter but still very odd."Beh-bet.""Beth," she repeats.I've had enough. I reach out and touch her should."Beh.""Beth." I tap her a little harder and growl."Beh", I repeat. I tap her again. "BEH!"Her eyes widen a bit, and she inhales sharply. A moment later, her shoulders drop and she sighs."Beh," she says quietly.”

Shay Savage,

[ "cute", "funny" ]

“Whoa. Not too stiff," Cody said. "Secure, strong, but calm. Like you're caressing a beautiful woman, remember?"That made me think of Megan.I lost control, and a green wave of smoky energy burst from my hand and flew out in front of me. It missed the pipe completely, but vaporized the metal leg of the chair it sat on. Dust showered down and the chair went lopsided, dumping the pipe to the floor with a clang."Sparks," Cody said. "Remind me to never let you caress me, lad.”

Brandon Sanderson,

[ "epic-fail", "funny", "humor", "slightly-awkward" ]

“They say the content and the cover are the most important things when it comes to a book or a novel, right? I totally disagree – The reader is the most important thing to a book”

Jimmy Tudeski,

[ "funny", "kind", "nice" ]

“You know how I think they choose people for Gryffindor team?" said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later, as Snape awarded Hufflepuff another penalty for now reason at all. "It's people they feel sorry for. See, there's Potter, who's got no parents, then there's the Weasleys, who've got no money - you should be on the team, Longbottom, you've got no brains.”

J.K. Rowling,

[ "darco", "funny", "longbottom", "malfoy", "neville" ]

“Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt.Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt’s collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I’dmet them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on topof it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted.“Hindenburg,” I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. “Walt, why in the world—?”“Sorry!” he yelled. “Wrong amulet!”The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn’t much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawedat the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas.I moved to Walt’s side and tried to get my bearings.”

Rick Riordan,

[ "carter-kane", "destruction", "earthquakes", "floods", "funny", "funny-and-random", "giant-snake", "humour", "ra", "rebellious", "riordan", "riots", "sadie-kane", "serpent", "snake", "sun", "survive", "tornado", "tsunamis" ]

“(Aries can be impatient)I wouldn't call myself impatient. I just like to get things done really fast.”

Jimmy Tudeski,

[ "astrology", "funny" ]

“This is an Aston Martin, Gin.You don't run over dead bodies in an Aston Matin.""Tell that to James Bond”

Jennifer Estep,

[ "aston-martin", "comeback", "funny", "james-bond", "web-of-lies" ]

“So hologram means--" I finally said."It means non-corporeal, yeah. Which sucks seeing as how there are a lot of very corporeal things I'd like to do with you right now.”

Rachel Hawkins,

[ "archer", "archer-cross", "corporeal", "funny", "hex-hall", "hologram", "rachel-hawkins", "sexy", "sophie", "spell-bound" ]

“And when demigods use cell phones, the signals agitate every monster within a hundred miles. It's like sending up a flare: Here I am! Please rearrange my face!”

Rick Riordan,

[ "funny", "rick-riordan" ]

“Yes, I'm back," he said, "And look who I ran into."Horace grinned at him. "i hope you ran into him hard.""As hard as I could.”

John Flanagan,

[ "funny" ]

“Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.”

Honore de Balzac

[ "clever", "funny", "humour", "sarcasism", "witty" ]

“I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it”

Terry Lander,

[ "aspiration", "comedy", "funny", "humour", "inspiration", "life", "poetry" ]

“But Amy," Elder says. "Space suits!”

Beth Revis,

[ "a-million-suns", "funny" ]

“She was the most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from one story to another was a mystery beyond solution. A lady so decorous in herself, and so highly connected, was not to be suspected of dropping over the banisters or sliding down them, yet her extraordinary facility of locomotion suggested the wild idea.”

Charles Dickens,

[ "funny", "humor" ]

“I guess I like things that take time and attention. More worthwhile that way.”

Huntley Fitzpatrick,

[ "funny", "humour", "romance", "young-adult", "young-adult-romance" ]

“Friends are like bras, attached near your heart for support. Foes are like panties, deported, every now and then, when they get dirty.”

Santosh Kalwar,

[ "friends", "funny", "inspirational", "love" ]

“Hatsuharu Sohma: [after tripping Kyo] If I hadn't had tripped you, you wouldn't have stopped now would you.[addressing the audience]Hatsuharu Sohma: By the way what I just did was very dangerous. And if it had been anyone but Kyo they probably would have been hurt pretty badly, so don't try it at home.Kyo Sohma: Don't try it here and who are you even talking to? ”

Natsuki Takaya

[ "fruits-basket", "funny" ]

“I felt my cheeks turn red, and she laughed out loud. But I didn't mind too much, because the last thing she saw was my middle finger aimed in her direction as I stepped outside”

Jessica Verday,

[ "abbey", "comeback", "funny", "jessica-verday", "the-hollow" ]

“It's sick and twisted and violent. Other than that it is totally G rated.”

Elizabeth Cruickshank

[ "battle-royale", "funny", "oxymoron", "sick", "twisted", "vioolence" ]

“No bikinis on a first date.” He nods. “I’m sure that’s a rule. Or should be. For my sisters anyway.”

Huntley Fitzpatrick,

[ "funny", "humour", "romance", "young-adult", "young-adult-romance" ]

“Look at him,” she said, shaking her head. “Travis Maddox: Mr. Mom.”

Jamie McGuire,

[ "america", "beautiful-disaster", "funny", "jamie-mcguire", "mr-mom", "travis-maddox" ]

“Jean grinned down at her, and she handed him something in a small silk bag.'What's this?''Lock of my hair, ' she said. 'Meant to give it to you days ago, but we got busy with all the raiding. You know. Piracy. Hectic life. ''Thank you, love, ' he said.'Now, if you find yourself in trouble wherever you go, you can hold up that little bag to whoever's bothering you, and you can say, "You have no idea who you're fucking with. I'm under the protection of the lady who gave me this object of her favour. "''And that's supposed to make them stop?''Shit no, that's just to confuse them. Then you kill them while they're standing there looking at you funny.”

Scott Lynch,

[ "awesome", "funny", "romantic" ]

“That cat doesn't have a lick of sense,' I said, sighing.Well, honey, he's not right in the head,' Dad said, flipping his cigarette into the front yard.I glared at him. 'And just what do you mean by that?'Dad counted on his fingers. 'He's cross-eyed; he jumps out of trees after birds and then doesn't land on his feet; he sleeps with his head smashed up against the wall, and the tip of his tail is crooked.'Oh yeah? Well, how about this: he once got locked in a basement by evil Petey Scroggs in the middle of January and survived on snow and little frozen mice. When I'm cold at night he sleeps right on my face. Of that whole litter of kittens he came out of he's the only one left. One of his brothers didn't even have a butthole.'I stand corrected. PeeDink is a survivor.”

Haven Kimmel,

[ "funny" ]

“If the Lord hasn't got a boyfriend lined up for me to marry, that's his business.”

Barbara Kingsolver,

[ "funny", "humor", "love", "poisonwood-bible" ]

“Master Kell,” said Alucard, cheerfully. “What an unexpected pleasure, running into you here.” His voice had a natural undercurrent of laughter in it, and Kell could never tell if he was being mocked.“I don’t see how it’s unexpected,” said Kell, “as I live here. What is unexpected is running into you, since I thought I made myself quite clear the last time we met.”“Quite,” echoed Alucard.“Then what were you doing in my brother ’s chambers?”Alucard raised a single studded brow. “Do you want a detailed account? Or will a summary suffice?”

V.E. Schwab,

[ "funny" ]

“Now that that's settled, you're coming with me.""Never in a billion suns. Not even if Zeus showed up as a swan and tried to peck me in your direction. I wouldn't go with you even if my other option was Hades dragging me to the Underworld for an eternal threesome with Persephone.”

Amanda Bouchet,

[ "amanda-bouchet", "cat", "funny", "griffin", "humor", "kingmaker-chronicles" ]

“Do you see that man in the black Porsche?" I asked the women.They squinted out at Ranger. "Yes," they said."Your partner.""He's homeless. He's looking for a place to stay and he might be interested in renting Singh's room."Mrs.Apusenja's eyes widened. "We could use the income."She looked at Nonnie and then back at Ranger. "Is he married?""Nope. He's single. He's a real catch."Connie did something between a gasp and a snort and buried her head back behind the computer. "Thank you for everything." Mrs.Apusenja said. "I suppose you are not such a bad slut. I will go talk to your partner.:"Omigod," Connie said, when the door closed behind the Apusenja's. "Ranger's going to kill you." The Apusenjas stood beside the Porsche, talkig to Ranger for a few long minutes, giving him the big sales pitch. The pitch wound down, Ranger responded, and Mrs. Apusenja looked disappointed. The two women crossed the road and got into the burgundy Escort and quickly drove away. Ranger turned his head in my direction and our eyes met. His expression was still bemused, but this time it was the sort of bemused expression a kid has when he's pulling the wings off a fly."Uh-Oh,"Connie said. I whipped around and faced Connie. "Quick, give me an FTA. You're backed up, right? For God's sake, give me something fast. I need a reason to stand here until he calms down!" Connie shoved a pile of folders at me. "Pick one. Any one! Oh shit, he's getting out of his car."....He leaned into me and his lips brushed the shell of my ear. "Feeling playful?""I don't know what you're talking about.""Watch your back babe. I will get even."-Ranger and Stephanie”

Janet Evanovich,

[ "connie", "funny", "humor", "ranger", "stephanie-plum" ]

“Is there any good news?' Tesla said.Who ever promised that? Who ever said there'd be good news?”

Clive Barker,

[ "despair", "funny", "life" ]

“Why?' He asked.'Why what?' What could I say? Noah, despite you being an asshole, or maybe because of it, I'd like to rip off your clothes and have your babies. Don't tell.”

Michelle Hodkin,

[ "asshole", "babies", "clothes", "crazy", "cute", "don-t-tell", "don-t-tell-anyone", "funny", "having-babies", "humerous", "love", "love-hate-relationship", "mara-dyer", "noah", "noah-shaw", "random", "relationships", "rip-off-clothes", "secret", "sex", "shh", "why" ]

“I read the title from the cover. ' 'The joy of... crap.' ' I read the rest of the full title of the thick, nondescript volume to myself and felt myself redden.Noah turned over on to his side and said with mock seriousness, 'I have never read 'The Joy Of Crap'. Sounds disgusting.' I blushed deeper. 'I have, however, read 'The Joy Of Sex.' ' He continued, a smile transforming his face. 'Not in a while, but I think it's one of those classics you can come back to again... and again.”

Michelle Hodkin,

[ "awkward", "blushing", "book", "classic", "cringe", "cute", "embarrassing", "funny", "humerous", "joy", "mara-dyer", "noah-shaw", "old", "romance", "sex", "the-joy-of-sex" ]

“That's the problem with best friends. Sometimes they know you better than you know yourself.”

Cecily von Ziegesar,

[ "best-friends", "book", "books", "friends", "friendship", "fun", "funny", "gossip-girl", "happy", "knowledge", "life", "love", "quote", "quotes" ]

“I think you’re wonderful.” “Wonderful, huh?” “Yep,” I say, and link my arm in his. “You’re smart and funny and kind and — ” “Handsome,” he says. “Don’t forget handsome." “And very handsome”

Tahereh Mafi,

[ "friendship", "funny", "juliette", "kenji", "restoreme" ]

“My tiny scary friend is coming”

Laini Taylor,

[ "daughter-of-smoke-and-bone", "funny", "karou" ]

“Marc’s hand tightened visibly around Kevin’s fingers, his digits going white. Again. Both men clenched their jaws, Kevin in pain, and Marc in an obvious effort to control his temper and keep from breaking Kevin’s hand. Off. Why couldn’t guys find a more original way to test each other’s manly prowess? Arm wrestling might have been more subtle. Or maybe comparing the length of their…canines.”

Rachel Vincent,

[ "funny" ]

“Anyway... she knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a horse who knows a goat who knows another horse-”

Rick Riordan,

[ "coach-hedge", "funny" ]

“Meet Tony. My first chest hair. I called him Tony as he’s Tony one I got,” Connor laughed.Jason laughed at his joke at first and then as fast as lightning grabbed Connor’s only chest hair and plucked it.“Tony one you had,” Jason corrected.”

Mark A. Cooper,

[ "connor", "funny", "jason", "jason-steed" ]

“What? Quinn's one of them? I just thought he was an a*shole!”

Simon Holt,

[ "aaron", "funny", "simon-holt", "the-devouring" ]

“Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!”

Rick Riordan,

[ "die-demigod-scum", "funny", "hilarious", "humor", "laugh-out-loud", "name-badge", "random", "rick-riordan", "the-son-of-neptune" ]

“Isn't that someone we know?" asked Horace. He pointed to where a cloaked figure sat by the side of the road a few hundred meters away, arms wrapped around his knees. Close by him, a small shaggy horse cropped the grass growing at the edge of the drainage ditch that ran beside the road."So it is," Halt replied. "And he seems to have brought Will with him.”

John Flanagan,

[ "funny" ]

“Somehow, Sydney had an internal clock that told her when time was up. I think it was part of her inherent ability to keep track of a hundred things at once. Not me. In these moments, my thoughts were usually focused on getting her shirt off and whether I’d get past the bra this time. So far, I hadn’t.”

Richelle Mead,

[ "adrian-ivashkov", "bloodlines", "funny", "hot", "kissing", "sydney-sage", "sydrian", "the-fiery-heart" ]

“The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.”

David Sedaris,

[ "funny", "holidays", "religion" ]

“I'm healthy as an ox. And you?" "To compare myself with a bovine would be both ridiculous and insulting, but I'm fit as ever, if that is what you are asking.”

Christopher Paolini,

[ "eragon", "funny", "saphira" ]

“There had to be a circle of Hell where you were eternally fourteen, eternally in junior high. One of the lower circles.”

Laurell K. Hamilton,

[ "anita-blake", "funny" ]

“There's no equality in the blow job, if all you ever do is suck at it!”

Jimmy Tudeski,

[ "funny" ]

“Are you okay with what we ordered?” Angeline asked him. “You didn’t pipe up with any requests.” Neil shook his head, face stoic. He kept his dark hair in a painfully short and efficient haircut. It was the kind of no-nonsense thing the Alchemists would’ve loved. “I can’t waste time quibbling over trivial things like pepperoni and mushrooms. If you’d gone to my school in Devonshire, you’d understand. For one of my sophomore classes, they left us alone on the moors to fend for ourselves and learn survival skills. Spend three days eating twigs and heather, and you’ll learn not to argue about any food coming your way.” Angeline and Jill cooed as though that was the most rugged, manly thing they’d ever heard. Eddie wore an expression that reflected what I felt, puzzling over whether this guy was as serious as he seemed or just some genius with swoon-worthy lines.”

Richelle Mead,

[ "adrian-ivashkov", "angeline-dawes", "bloodlines", "cute", "eddie-castile", "funny", "humor", "jill-dragomir", "swoon-worthy", "sydney-sage", "sydrian", "the-fiery-heart" ]

“I am not forgotten, you know, no, I still receive a very great deal of fan mail.. . . Gladys Gudgeon writes weekly. . . . I just wish I knew why. . . .”He paused, looking faintly puzzled, then beamed again and returned to his signing with renewed vigor. “I suspect it is simply my good looks. . . .”

J.K. Rowling,

[ "funny", "gilderoy", "harry-potter", "humor", "lockehart", "rowling" ]

“Don’t lick the guests, darling. Bad manners.”

Patricia Briggs,

[ "funny" ]

“You've brushed your teeth," He says, staring at me."I used your toothbrush."His lips quirk up in a half smile. "Oh Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?”

E.L. James,

[ "ana", "anastasia", "anastasia-steele", "christian", "fifty-shades", "fifty-shades-of-grey", "funny", "humor", "sex", "toothbrush" ]

“Barzûl!”

Christopher Paolini,

[ "brisingr", "eldest", "eragon", "funny", "humor", "orik" ]

“I had died and woken up in High School Musical”

Jamie McGuire,

[ "abby-abernathy", "beautiful-disaster", "funny", "high-school-musical", "jamie-mcguire" ]

“Cat, hmmm? From where I sit you look more like a Kitten."My head jerked around and I shot him an annoyed look. Oh, I was going to enjoy this, all right. "It's Cat," I repeated firmly. "Cat Raven.""Whatever you say, Kitten Tweedy.”

Jeaniene Frost,

[ "bones", "cat-crawfield", "catherine-crawfield", "funny", "halfway-to-the-grave", "humor", "jeaniene-frost", "kitten-tweedy", "night-huntress" ]

“So the plan wasn't a clusterfuck, it was just circling the clusterfuck target zone, getting ready to come in for a landing.”

Martha Wells,

[ "funny", "murderbot", "sarcasm", "swearing" ]

“This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.”

P.G. Wodehouse

[ "funny", "humor", "jeeves", "wooster" ]

“Trust her; we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.”

Sandi Lynn,

[ "funny", "humor", "periods", "psycho" ]

“There was the smell of old books, a smell that has a way of making all libraries seem the same. Some say that smell is asbestos. ”

Scott Douglas,

[ "funny", "libraries" ]

“Stomp stomp. Whirr. Pleased to be of service.Shut up.Thank you.Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. Thank you for making a simple door very happy.Hope your diodes rot.Thank you. Have a nice day.Stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. It is my pleasure to open for you...Zark off....and my satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done.I said zark off.Thank you for listening to this message.”

Douglas Adams

[ "funny", "humor", "random" ]

“Nerd life is just so much better than regular life.”

John Green

[ "author", "funny", "john-green", "quote", "true" ]

“What is it about hairdressers? You tell them 'not too short' and some part of their hairdresser brain hears this as 'whack the shit out of it.' If you never say, 'not too short,' everything is fine. You say it, & it's a guarantee you'll come out ready for the military>”

Deb Caletti,

[ "funny" ]