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1,198,485 | Dear deidre | Big day with girl my parents love is looming but all I can think about is my hot work fling | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1198485/big-day-with-girl-my-parents-love-is-looming-but-all-i-can-think-about-is-my-hot-work-fling-2/ | OUR 15-year-old daughter was struggling to do her hair and my husband grabbed her hair straighteners, threw them across the room and told her to “shove them up her a***”. He can’t deal with any problem without losing control. I have talked to him about anger management but he won’t hear of it. He’ll give himself a heart attack because he gets so stressed. He’s 45 and I’m 43. I don’t want my children thinking all adults are angry. My little boy is just seven. Should I fight for this marriage or give up? | If he’s not always been on such a short fuse, tell him he needs to see his doctor to rule out an underlying medical cause. If he gets the all-clear, explain that his temper is destroying your relationship and either he changes or you will have to end your marriage for your children’s sake. My e-leaflet on Managing Anger can help. Get in touch Email me here, private message me on Facebook, or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE). |
1,174,204 | Dear Deidre | Workmate put block on affair when I spoke of being ready for commitment | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1174204/workmate-put-block-on-affair-when-i-spoke-of-being-ready-for-commitment/ | I HAVE been having an affair with an unhappily married colleague – but she seemed to panic when I said I was ready to commit. She said she had to stay with her husband and then repeatedly blocked and unblocked me on Facebook. What’s going on? I am in a relationship so we just started off talking as friends. She spoke about her husband being a serial cheat who talks down to her at every opportunity and told me that she longed to feel like a wanted woman. She is 12 years older than me but I said she is beautiful and should be appreciated. I’m 27 and my girlfriend is 26. My lover has two children aged ten and seven. I didn’t intend to start an affair but we messaged on Facebook and Whatsapp. We met up a few times and that’s when we kissed and had passionate sex. I fell in love and cared so much for her. My girlfriend loves me but I don’t feel the same. We have tried to rekindle the spark but it hasn’t worked. I feel bad for betraying my girlfriend but the affair just seemed to happen. My girlfriend found out and gave me the choice of either my lover or her. I was going to leave her because I adore my new woman. But then she told me she didn’t love me and didn’t know if she ever would. She said she had to stay with her husband for the sake of her children. She stopped communicating with me, deleted me off Whatsapp and then did this blocking and unblocking on Facebook. My heart is breaking. I love her so much and want her, but does she want me or not? I cannot sleep and simply can’t seem to get over her. I just feel broken-hearted. | When you break up a marriage with children it is a massive decision and your lover sounds like she is in turmoil. Her life may feel very bleak without you in it. Maybe all this blocking and unblocking is her dithering over whether you can stay just friends, or perhaps it has deeper significance. You feel so much for her, so ask one last time whether you should wait to make a go of things with her – but understanding it would almost certainly mean sharing your life with her children. If she’s not ready to leave her marriage, then make a firm break yourself and don’t look to be friends with her, not even on Facebook. Have as little contact as possible and work on either rescuing your relationship or leaving. Long-term relationships don’t just look after themselves. Either put some energy into it or call it a day and free her to find someone else who will really appreciate her. Family’s got it in for my husband |
1,174,204 | Dear Deidre | Workmate put block on affair when I spoke of being ready for commitment | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1174204/workmate-put-block-on-affair-when-i-spoke-of-being-ready-for-commitment/ | MY sister is getting married and all the family will be there except me. I can’t go as children are not invited and my family know I have no one to babysit for my kids. I think it was deliberate. I’m 36 and my husband is 38. We have two children aged nine and seven. My family don’t like my husband. We are very happy yet they have the impression that he is bossy and controls me. My mum became aggressive when my husband joked with her recently and threatened to “punch his lights out”. | Could your husband not have looked after your children while you went to the wedding? Be wary of adding fuel to the flames of this feud. Unless there is something about your husband that you’ve not told me, this is more about your mum than your husband. Perhaps she herself grew up with judgmental parents. Tell your family it is off-limits to be rude about your husband. They have a choice – change their attitude or you won’t visit. You’ll feel much better for getting it out into the open. Her son is hanging out with thieves |
1,174,204 | Dear Deidre | Workmate put block on affair when I spoke of being ready for commitment | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1174204/workmate-put-block-on-affair-when-i-spoke-of-being-ready-for-commitment/ | MY girlfriend’s 16-year-old son let his friends into our house and they stole jewellery, a laptop and the spare keys to my car. Then they stole the car, went joy-riding and caused hundreds of pounds worth of damage when they crashed. My girlfriend’s son claims he knows nothing about the stolen items but they’d have needed time to search for the keys and jewellery. I can’t help but think he’s in on it. He was excluded from one school and is on the verge of it happening again. I’m 41 and my girlfriend is 38. We all used to get on so well until her son became friends with a group of people we weren’t keen on. We asked him not to bring them to our house but he ignores everyone. | Teenagers acting out often masks sadness, vulnerability or fear. Is his dad around? Keep telling him you love him and are on his side – but teens need rules and consequences. Have a round-table where you sort out agreed ground rules. My e-leaflet Teenage Troubles? will help and you can talk to Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222) for support. |
1,174,204 | Dear Deidre | Workmate put block on affair when I spoke of being ready for commitment | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1174204/workmate-put-block-on-affair-when-i-spoke-of-being-ready-for-commitment/ | MY boyfriend got drunk and slept with his ex. I want to forgive him and try again but he needs to sort his head out. His dad was abusive when he was young and his parents split up when he was seven. He has kept it all in until now but he feels ashamed that it was somehow his fault. I’m 24 and my boyfriend is 26. He’s in a really dark place and I think he’s falling into depression. I try to help but feel I’m being pushed away. He broke up with me because he feels he’s hurting me. We still talk but sleeping with his ex has changed everything. | Clearly he is a troubled young man but you can’t solve his problems for him. He was wrong to sleep with his ex – though people can behave out of character when they are distressed. Urge him to see his GP. He may be more likely get help if he can’t rely on you – but be ready to draw a line and walk away if he refuses to. |
1,174,204 | Dear Deidre | Workmate put block on affair when I spoke of being ready for commitment | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1174204/workmate-put-block-on-affair-when-i-spoke-of-being-ready-for-commitment/ | I’VE tried dressing up and having a few drinks with my boyfriend to loosen him up but nothing works. He’s not interested in cuddling, let alone initiating sex. We’ve been together for three years. I’m 35 and he’s 36. We’ve had an OK sex life but once he comes, that’s it. We haven’t had sex for six months. I’ve stopped suggesting it now as I don’t want to put him under pressure. He has no interest in oral sex or anything else. He doesn’t know a thing about my body. We row over it when we are drunk. I love him but I can’t be in a sexless relationship. I feel unattractive and get jealous if he talks to other women. | Talk to him when you are both sober. Tell him he’s a lovely guy but sex is part of a relationship for you and you need to know how he feels. Maybe he’s withdrawn and defensive because he feels a failure. My e-leaflet Thrilling A Woman In Bed could help. topic4today IF there can be any good from child abuse stories it is that survivors are realising they are not as alone as they thought. My e-leaflet Abused As A Child? explains common long-term effects and where to find support. Email me at [email protected] for a copy. Get in touch Email me here, private message me on Facebook, or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE). |
1,198,773 | Dear Deidre | Wife’s brother is also my lover but I can’t leave my partner and kids | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1198773/wifes-brother-is-also-my-lover-but-i-cant-leave-my-family/ | I’M having fantastic sex with my wife’s brother. I can’t stop seeing him but I can’t leave my wife and kids. I’m 35, my wife is 34 and we have two children, aged four and six. My brother-in-law is 28 and single. My in-laws retired recently when they sold their business and my wife organised a surprise party for them at our house. It was a great evening, a lot of alcohol was consumed and at the end there was just my wife, her brother and me left. My wife went into the kitchen to clear up and her brother made a pass at me. I put it down to us all having had too much to drink and brushed it off. He got a cab home later but the next day I kept thinking about him and what happened. I ended up texting him and we arranged to get together the next evening. We met at a pub near his flat. It felt awkward at first but as the evening went on and we had more to drink, I started to feel more comfortable — and it became obvious that we were attracted to each other. When the pub closed, he suggested a few more drinks back at his flat, which is very luxurious and stylish — he has a great job and good taste. He opened a bottle of wine and sat down beside me. We looked deep into each other’s eyes and the next thing we were kissing and one thing led to another. Before I knew it we were having sex. It was amazing and we have been doing it ever since. That was four months ago. He says he loves me and he wants me to leave my wife –– but I feel stuck. I don’t want to leave my kids but I can’t keep going on like this with my wife and brother-in-law forever. | Leaving your wife for your brother-in-law would tear the family apart – as well as being very hurtful for your wife and damaging for your children. If your affair with him is only about sex, you would end up riddled with guilt. Even if you feel it is more than sex, you need to take a step back before deciding what to do. Despite their different genders, your wife and her brother will share certain characteristics – and what attracted you to your wife is probably similar to what is now attracting you to your brother-in-law. Stop the affair and focus on your marriage, for yourself, your wife and for your children too. They will be best off if you can get your marriage back on track happily. Relate can help (relate.org.uk, 0300 100 1234) and my e-leaflet on Bisexual Issues will help too. Do stop cheating, though – being bisexual doesn’t make it OK. Should I give ex another chance? |
1,198,773 | Dear Deidre | Wife’s brother is also my lover but I can’t leave my partner and kids | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1198773/wifes-brother-is-also-my-lover-but-i-cant-leave-my-family/ | MY ex wants us to try again – and I used to be stupidly in love with him – but I’ve been seeing a colleague who is a really good guy and has all the time in the world for me and my son. I don’t want to hurt either of them. I was with my ex for four years until two months ago but he always resented my son, who’s seven, and flirted with other women behind my back. I’m 30 and he is 32. When I confronted him about any of it, he just lied. My colleague is 37, with kids aged four and six. They get on well and he’s fantastic with my son. We went for a drink a couple of weeks ago and kissed for the first time. I have strong feelings for him and he says he wants a future with me. My son says I’m always happy and smiling now. But my ex wants to try again and I’ve agreed – though we haven’t met up yet. | Why even think about getting back with a man who showed you no love or commitment and who resents your son? Finish with him for good but don’t rush into the arms of your colleague. Take time to get to know each other properly before you commit, for your sake and for the children involved. Dreading future without partner |
1,198,773 | Dear Deidre | Wife’s brother is also my lover but I can’t leave my partner and kids | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1198773/wifes-brother-is-also-my-lover-but-i-cant-leave-my-family/ | I LOST my wife to cancer in March. She was the love of my life and I worshipped her. It’s our anniversary tomorrow and I don’t know if I’ll cope. We were together for almost 20 years. We had so much fun. Life now seems so empty and sad. I have grown-up children and they are lovely to me but the house is so empty and quiet when I walk in from work. I cry myself to sleep and dread every day. I’m 59 and my wife was 55. People say to remember the good times. I do but this anniversary will be so different from last year when we had no idea she was ill. | I am so sorry. This sort of heart-breaking loss is the price we pay for the joy of living and being loved. In a while you will be able to rejoice that you and your wife had so much fun together. For now, shed your tears when you need to and be glad for your loving children. You can find understanding through the Macmillan Cancer Support online community (macmillan.org.uk, 0808 808 0000). I’m sending you my e-leaflet Have You Lost Someone To Cancer? and will be thinking of you. |
1,198,773 | Dear Deidre | Wife’s brother is also my lover but I can’t leave my partner and kids | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1198773/wifes-brother-is-also-my-lover-but-i-cant-leave-my-family/ | MY dad says I’m naïve because I think happiness is more important than money. I’m 22. I got good grades at school but I have always loved flowers and I worked in a flower shop when I left school. Now I’ve got a job in a department store. The money is OK but I hate the job. I have no outlet for my creativity. I have been offered a job doing flowers for weddings and occasions. I’d love that but the work is not regular. My dad says I should stay where I am. He says financial security is more important. | Why not suggest to your father that you try doing the flower job for six months? Perhaps you could start by doing that job part-time, but continue part-time at the department store. You have to work hard to follow your dream. Tell your dad if it doesn’t work out, you will do any job while you think about your future and work towards getting further qualifications. |
1,198,773 | Dear Deidre | Wife’s brother is also my lover but I can’t leave my partner and kids | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1198773/wifes-brother-is-also-my-lover-but-i-cant-leave-my-family/ | MY partner pleasures himself while looking at porn and has lost interest in sex with me. We have been together for two years and our sex life was great. For the past six months he has been saying he is tired or not in the mood. I woke up the other night and realised he wasn’t in bed. He was downstairs in the lounge on his laptop. I’ve tried confronting him about it but he looks really uncomfortable and changes the subject. I’m 32 and he’s 35. What should I do? | Tell him how much you are missing his loving and ask if he is worried about something. Stress can affect the libido and it could be easier to find relief by pleasuring himself than having to worry about your satisfaction. But warn him that online porn is especially addictive, has a numbing effect and he is risking your relationship. My e-leaflet Your Man Lost The Urge? can help. topic4today ONE in six UK adults has taken part in a threesome and it is one of the most common fantasies readers write to me about. My e-leaflet Thinking Of A Threesome will help you decide if it is right for you. Email me at the address below for a free copy. Get in touch Email me here, private message me on Facebook, or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE). |
1,198,370 | Dear Deidre | Fallen for holiday lover but I know he doesn’t feel the same way | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1198370/he-wanted-thai-sex-with-no-ties-2/ | I’VE been having great sex with an old pal I met by chance, but I know he sees other women and just considers us “friends with benefits”. I want more. I’VE been having great sex with an old pal I met by chance, but I know he sees other women and just considers us “friends with benefits”. I want more. I was getting some winter sun in Thailand when I noticed a man looking at me as I lay by the pool. I knew from the way he was staring that he wanted sex — and he was really fit, so I knew I’d be up for it. Then I realised it was a guy I had known years ago. By chance he was staying at the same resort. I am 36 and divorced. He is a couple of years older than me and was staying at the hotel with a woman friend. I was holidaying with a female friend because we were both in need of a break and had no one to go with. The guy and his friend didn’t seem to be getting on too well and she was giving him angry looks. It wasn’t surprising as he was so obviously eyeing up the talent. I think it was the sunshine, the alcohol and the sexy atmosphere around the pool that made me long for a man to hold me and tell me how desirable I am — and this guy fitted the bill perfectly. He came over and we had the usual conversation about being surprised to bump into one another like that. Then he whispered that he would see me at midnight in the hotel grounds. I went along and he was waiting for me. We kissed then had sex. Since getting home we have been meeting up regularly and I have really fallen for him, but I know he doesn’t feel the same way. He wants us to carry on as we are, meeting up just for sex. I know he sleeps with other women too, which really eats into me. I don’t know if I should walk away or keep seeing him and sleeping with him, hoping one day he’ll feel the same way about me. | You have given this guy the message that you are willing to join his troupe of girlfriends for sex. Starting again on the basis that you are worth more than casual sex will be difficult – if he had wanted a proper relationship, he would have behaved differently in the first place. You might try telling him you want to meet somewhere to talk, so the situation then can’t become sexual. You can explain where you are coming from, how you want a real relationship, and see what his reaction is. But don’t hold your breath waiting for him to say that is exactly how he feels too. It is unlikely. He is the guy he is – as that woman he was with on holiday could tell you. You would do better to cut your losses and concentrate on meeting new people and finding the sort of guy you are looking for. Otherwise you could end up feeling unworthy of the love of a decent man. Baby on way but no sign of love |
1,198,370 | Dear Deidre | Fallen for holiday lover but I know he doesn’t feel the same way | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1198370/he-wanted-thai-sex-with-no-ties-2/ | MY partner has never once told me she loves me – and I feel so unappreciated. MY partner has never once told me she loves me – and I feel so unappreciated. We have been together for ten months and three months ago she discovered she was pregnant. I am 31, she is in her late thirties and already has two small girls. I’ve spent every weekend and a lot of money doing up the house ready for the baby but she says she isn’t ready to commit to me for good. She says I am immature and just like her useless exes. I have tried my best to be loving and show her I’m not like the rest but she won’t listen. I’m becoming insecure. I would walk away but she is carrying my child and I so want us to be a happy family. | Tell your partner you realise you are younger than she is, but you are ready and willing to be a good dad and worry she is tarring you with the same brush as her exes. Ask her to be specific about how you can be a better support. This baby deserves you both to try your best but you need constructive suggestions. She knows how much work a baby is though, and may be worried about what lies ahead. Try to be patient and check out dad.info. dad.info. Why did Dad lie about his life? |
1,198,370 | Dear Deidre | Fallen for holiday lover but I know he doesn’t feel the same way | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1198370/he-wanted-thai-sex-with-no-ties-2/ | I WOULD like to try to find out the truth about my family – but my late dad told me huge lies about his background. I am 47. My dad died three years ago, having left my mum when I was ten. She has passed too now. My dad told me he was born in New York but when I got hold of his birth certificate I found out he was born in Newcastle. He said he had been in the Army and served in Korea – but when I checked, he hadn’t. I don’t even know if he had any brothers or sisters. I have teenage kids who ask about their grandparents and uncles and aunts and I hate having to fob them off. I would so like to know what relatives I have, if any, and where they came from – but I don’t know where to start. | Perhaps your dad was hiding things he was ashamed of, or it could just be he was a bit of a fantasist who wanted to sound more exciting. Try to keep an open mind when exploring your family history so you don’t get any nasty surprises. See the National Archives nationalarchives.gov.uk and try findmypast.co.uk. nationalarchives.gov.uk findmypast.co.uk My e-leaflet Tracing Someone has lots of other suggestions to help. |
1,198,370 | Dear Deidre | Fallen for holiday lover but I know he doesn’t feel the same way | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1198370/he-wanted-thai-sex-with-no-ties-2/ | MY partner calls me vile names and hits me. If I so much as look in the wrong direction he calls me a slag and spits in my face. When I told him I’d had a miscarriage he sniggered. If we go out I am on eggshells worrying about when he is going to start on me. He also drinks and loses a fortune in the betting shop. Meanwhile I am struggling to work and run our home. I am 24, he is 31. I’ve tried walking away but he worms his way back in. Why can’t I leave him when my life is going down the drain because of him? | You know he is ruining your life yet you can’t break free. The answer as to why probably lies somewhere in your past. Maybe he seems familiar because of your background or you are frightened you won’t find a new love if you walk away from him. Either way you have to act. My e-leaflet Abusive Partner? will help you break free. |
1,198,370 | Dear Deidre | Fallen for holiday lover but I know he doesn’t feel the same way | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1198370/he-wanted-thai-sex-with-no-ties-2/ | MY girlfriend doesn’t think she can handle kids, even though she always said she wanted a family. I’m devastated. I’m 34 and she is 29. We’ve been together for four years and everything has been great. We discussed children when we first got together and she said she definitely wanted them in the future. Now she says she doesn’t think she could handle kids. I know she’d be a great mum but nothing I say will convince her otherwise. I told her from the start I wanted to be a dad. I don’t know where to go from here as she is my world. I’d love to start a family with her. | You need to discover what she finds so off-putting. Having kids is a massive life change, especially for the parent who does most of the childcare. If she is nervous about what’s involved, could that parent be you? Give her a year to sort out her feelings. Then decide if you need to move on. |
1,210,847 | Dear Deidre | I’m hooked on a lad who legged it after our wild night but too scared to tell him | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1210847/im-hooked-on-a-lad-who-legged-it-but-too-frightened-to-tell-him/ | I BUMPED into a lad I knew at school and we instantly connected again – so much so we went back to the flat where he was staying and had sex. But the last time I saw him he left a few hours later without saying a word and didn’t answer any of my texts. I am 19, he’s 20 and we were in the same class in school but he’s moved away and we had not spoken for three years. When we met in a club he was so sweet, we danced all evening and he acted like my boyfriend. He made it clear how much he wanted me and I felt so comfortable with him I agreed when he asked me to go back to his brother’s flat for a coffee. We talked for a bit then we started kissing and the sex was something else. He was staying with his brother for a month while he was between jobs. After that first time we bumped into one another at the same club again several times and went back to his brother’s for sex. He treated me like a princess, always telling me how beautiful I looked. The last time I saw him we didn’t have sex, just cuddled and talked about our lives, and kissed the whole night. Everything seemed perfect, we are so comfortable around one another. We talk and laugh and I have never felt like he only wanted me for sex. The next morning he went out to buy a coffee and have a cigarette. An hour went by and he still hadn’t come back so I texted him but got no reply. His brother came in and said he had gone home. I was gutted that he went without even saying goodbye. He’d given me completely mixed signals. Is he scared of showing his feelings for me? I have fallen in love with him but I am too frightened to tell him in case it scares him off. | You felt a strong connection but he may have taken the message from you that having sex on the first night meant you were up for a casual fling. Perhaps, while he was away from what is now his home it was just a holiday romance. Are you sure he hasn’t got a girlfriend back there? He clearly felt bad about something, to sneak off like that. Phone him to say you are confused and hurt by his careless attitude. Pluck up the courage to be honest. Say you are developing feelings for him. If he does not feel the same at least you’ll know where you stand. He won’t be the guy for you. If he is keen then he needs to learn how to treat a girl. Either way this is going nowhere without you having a heart to heart. I cannot last so wife has cheated |
1,210,847 | Dear Deidre | I’m hooked on a lad who legged it after our wild night but too scared to tell him | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1210847/im-hooked-on-a-lad-who-legged-it-but-too-frightened-to-tell-him/ | I FEEL like I am fighting a losing battle to save my marriage. We are both 35 and have two fabulous boys aged 12 and 13 years. We have a beautiful house and a good lifestyle, but our sex life is rubbish. I cannot last long and have not been able to for years. It has driven us apart. My wife says she loves me but has no sexual desire for me. She has had a couple of flings, but swears they were non-sexual. I found out about the latest guy last week. I told her I was leaving and after mulling it over she said she wants to sort things for the boys. But since saying that she has done nothing to show she is willing to change. | You cannot fix this broken marriage alone. There’s no point staying together for the children if you’re not going to work to make yours a happy home. As long as your wife is willing to try too, together you can do a lot to solve your premature ejaculation. Read my e-leaflet How Men Can Last Longer and see a Relate sex therapist (call 0300 100 1234, or see relate.org.uk). Fiancee freaking over my porn use |
1,210,847 | Dear Deidre | I’m hooked on a lad who legged it after our wild night but too scared to tell him | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1210847/im-hooked-on-a-lad-who-legged-it-but-too-frightened-to-tell-him/ | WHEN my fiancée looked at my web history and found some porn sites, she blew it out of all proportion and keeps saying I am lusting after other women. We have been together nearly two years. She is 22 and I am 25. We get on great and the sex is amazing. When I am bored or horny when she is at work, I sometimes go on porn – maybe once a week. I think it’s totally normal for a guy. She caught me out twice. I have promised I would never cheat and that I love her to bits. To be honest I think she is a bit controlling to go through my history. | She sounds rather insecure but if she’d never sneaked a look at your history before, ask what prompted her to do so now. Looking at soft porn is no big deal but this has tapped into some underlying anxieties for your fiancée. Has someone cheated on her before? Are there areas of your relationship where you could do better? Keep reassuring her how much you love and desire her. My e-leaflet Upset by Pornography? will help you understand how she feels. |
1,210,847 | Dear Deidre | I’m hooked on a lad who legged it after our wild night but too scared to tell him | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1210847/im-hooked-on-a-lad-who-legged-it-but-too-frightened-to-tell-him/ | MY stepson’s weight has ballooned to 19st and he ate his way through a whole multi-pack of Mars bars when we were at work the other day. He is 16 and has lived with us for the past five years though he still sees his mum. She and my husband divorced when my stepson was seven. Then he just ate. He has been overweight ever since and on various NHS healthy-eating schemes. Counsellors say his weight is an attention-seeking tool. He is a clever boy and has friends, but he is jealous of his dad and our two sons, aged three and one. I’m 29 and my husband is 32. We are at our wits’ end. | Comfort-eating has become a hard habit to break. He needs encouragement rather than criticism to develop self-esteem. Encourage his dad to spend more quality time with him and contact Beat eating disorder charity (b-eat. co.uk, 0345 634 7650). |
1,210,847 | Dear Deidre | I’m hooked on a lad who legged it after our wild night but too scared to tell him | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1210847/im-hooked-on-a-lad-who-legged-it-but-too-frightened-to-tell-him/ | I LOVE my girlfriend but I keep getting flashbacks of her previous relationship. How can I get rid of the memory? We’ve been together for two years. We are 19 and plan to marry after I finish my university degree. Being apart from her is hard but we chat every day and have phone sex. I have always had doubts and feel jealous, but I met her ex and he told me all about their relationship and sex life. Now what he told me is in my head 24/7. She loves me a lot and I love her too. I want a happy life for us but without her past. I feel I am going crazy. | Her ex was looking to cause trouble bragging about their sex life. Remind yourself they are not together and that she is choosing to be with you. Jealousy is about your insecurity rather than about her past. You have to deal with it or risk pushing her away. My e-leaflet Dealing With Jealousy will help. Catch me on TV today DO you have a controlling partner? Whether they are emotionally abusive or inflicting physical harm, don’t miss my live phone-in on Good Morning Britain on ITV from 6am today. Get in touch Email me here, private message me on Facebook, or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE). |
1,165,870 | Dear Deidre | I’m a serial cheat after transgender op and it’s made me stop wanting sex with my long-term boyfriend | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1165870/im-a-serial-cheat-after-transgender-op-and-its-made-me-stop-wanting-sex-with-my-long-term-boyfriend/ | I’M addicted to having sex with strangers I meet on sex sites — even though I’m in a relationship with a fantastic guy. I feel so guilty. I’m transgender. I was born a boy but I started dressing as a woman at university and I’ve never looked back. Now I’m a woman aged 30. I work for the local council. I’ve been there since I got my degree and my colleagues accept me for who I am. I met my boyfriend on a trip back from Spain. He’s 28 and he’s a cabin steward with an airline. He’s always known my history. He visited me every night he could after work following my gender reassignment operation and took time off when I was discharged from hospital three months ago. I couldn’t wait to be a full woman — but the sad truth is, I now hate my body even more than before. The surgeon has done a good job but it’s far from perfect — not what I was dreaming of. I felt down when my boyfriend was away, so I went on a male to female dating site. I loaded up my profile and got some instant likes. One guy started chatting to me and I arranged to meet him at his flat. He wanted sex and I was curious to see if I could attract a man who didn’t know my story. He undid my clothes and stood back and looked at me and said: “Wow, you look beautiful.” It really gave me a boost. I had sex with him and then left. The sex wasn’t that thrilling — but finally feeling attractive was. I must be a horrible person though, because my boyfriend loves me so much and treats me right but now I’m addicted to these sites. Every time he is away with work, I keep arranging to meet anyone who gives me attention. I’ve been with eight guys so far. It’s been a mixed experience — they’ve not all been as flattering as the first guy — but I love it when men want me. The trouble is it’s made me stop wanting sex with my boyfriend so he knows something is up. | You have endured years of feeling you were in the wrong body and can’t expect surgery to have magically transformed your inner feelings too. You have to allow time for emotional healing and adjustment. If you have any worries about the success of your operation, talk it over with your surgeon. Explain to your boyfriend that you’re feeling insecure so he can reassure you. Tell him you need extra attention to arouse you and make a massive effort to stay off those dating sites. You’re risking your relationship and putting yourself in danger having sex with random men. Contact the Beaumont Society who support the transgender community (beaumontsociety.org.uk, 01582 412 220). Could it work to live with ex again? |
1,165,870 | Dear Deidre | I’m a serial cheat after transgender op and it’s made me stop wanting sex with my long-term boyfriend | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1165870/im-a-serial-cheat-after-transgender-op-and-its-made-me-stop-wanting-sex-with-my-long-term-boyfriend/ | I’VE fallen for my daughter’s dad all over again and he wants us to be a family but can it work after all this time? I got pregnant by this man 15 years ago. He was married and he told me to have a termination but I refused. My daughter was my only chance of being a mum at 40. He had a serious drug habit at the time too. I dumped him and decided to be a single mum. It has been challenging as my daughter is very demanding. She wanted to meet her dad a year ago, so I got in contact with him and we arranged a meeting. The old flame was lit once more and we have spent two nights together each week since. I’m 55 now and he is 58. He says that he loves us both and we are the best part of his life. He wants to leave his wife and move in with us. I’m not sure it’s a good idea. | You’re sensible to feel wary. Sharing lives a couple of days a week is very different from living together non-stop. Tell him you need to be sure he is thinking realistically and not imagining life as a family through rose-tinted spectacles. You’ve no reason to rush a decision. Booze is turning ex into monster |
1,165,870 | Dear Deidre | I’m a serial cheat after transgender op and it’s made me stop wanting sex with my long-term boyfriend | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1165870/im-a-serial-cheat-after-transgender-op-and-its-made-me-stop-wanting-sex-with-my-long-term-boyfriend/ | MY ex’s drinking is turning her into Jekyll and Hyde and it’s badly affecting my son. I’m 40 and my ex-wife is 38. We have a 12-year-old son together, who I have to stay most weekends. My ex was always a drinker but over the past two years it has got a lot worse. She’s abusive to me and our son. I couldn’t care less what she does. But if it affects my son, it affects me. She’ll wake him in the middle of the night to do the washing up or make her a cup of tea. She sometimes tells him to go to live with me. She’s fine sober but my son has to focus on school. Should I insist he lives with me? | You do need to take this seriously, for your son’s sake. When she’s sober, tell her you’re worried about her drinking and realise she’s unhappy and stressed. Suggest to her that your son should stay with you on weekdays so his schoolwork is not disrupted, and be with her weekends — as long as she cuts down on her drinking and gets help. She can speak to her GP or Drinkline (0300 123 1110). My e-leaflet Dealing With A Problem Drinker can help. |
1,165,870 | Dear Deidre | I’m a serial cheat after transgender op and it’s made me stop wanting sex with my long-term boyfriend | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1165870/im-a-serial-cheat-after-transgender-op-and-its-made-me-stop-wanting-sex-with-my-long-term-boyfriend/ | MY boyfriend has lost his mojo since he had an accident. He’s a painter, fell off his ladder and shattered his leg, requiring pinning and surgery. I nursed him through his operation and his surgeon says he can return to work now but he won’t hear of it. He can walk a mile to the shops and he walked a lot when we went on holiday, but he’s now back gaming, morning, noon and night. We met on a gaming site and had so much in common then, though he’s 46 and I’m 31. We haven’t had sex for months. Should I leave him? | Ask him what is really worrying him. Is it laziness or has he lost his nerve for ladders? Tell him his gaming is damaging your relationship. Maybe he needs a different job but give him a time limit to cut down on screen time. My e-leaflet Reviving A Man’s Sex Drive can help but if nothing is different in six months’ time, best move on. |
1,165,870 | Dear Deidre | I’m a serial cheat after transgender op and it’s made me stop wanting sex with my long-term boyfriend | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1165870/im-a-serial-cheat-after-transgender-op-and-its-made-me-stop-wanting-sex-with-my-long-term-boyfriend/ | I’VE fallen in love with my fiancé’s older brother. I’m 22, my fiancé is 25 and His brother is 35. My fiancé and I have a one-year-old. We got engaged on his birthday. My fiancé’s brother kissed me at our engagement party and I took a selfie. It wasn’t a snog but he’s always on my mind. I love my fiancé but I don’t think I’ll ever get married to him. He’s too immature. I text my fiancé’s brother and sometimes he sends me a wink or a kiss. How can I make him notice me? | You can’t. This guy knows very well you’re coming on to him but he’s not interested because you’re with his brother. You’re not being fair to your fiancé. If you’re not going to marry him, you need to tell him this relationship isn’t right for you. Ensure he keeps as good a relationship as possible with his son but my leaflet Ending A Relationship will help. Topic for today A DOMESTIC violence incident is reported every minute, two women a week are killed by a partner or ex, and men are victims too, though they can feel too embarrassed to admit it. My e-leaflet Abusive Partner? explains the support available. Get in touch Email me here, private message me on Facebook, or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE). |
1,179,354 | Dear Deidre | I’m confused after having the most loving sex with my best pal | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1179354/im-confused-after-having-the-most-loving-sex-with-my-best-pal/ | I HAD the most loving sex with my best friend when he was drunk one night. We laughed it off as we’d done nothing wrong but it happened again and he was sober. I know he is seeing another girl but I am not jealous, just confused. We met when I was 18 and he changed my life. He is kind, caring and amazing. We fell in love and started acting like boyfriend and girlfriend. He was 21 and I was his first girl. I was going through a horrible break-up at the time and I was not ready to jump straight into another relationship. I broke his heart when I told him that and we stopped seeing one another as he said it was too painful. He is in the Army and we met by chance at a friend’s party six months later when he was home on leave. All the old feelings came flooding back. We became best friends. That was nearly 18 months ago. I feel closer to him than anyone else in my life. When he’s home we go out with mutual friends and have fun but we’d never crossed the line to romance until recently. We’d had a brilliant night out with friends and he was meant to be sleeping on my sofa so he didn’t have to drive. But we fell into bed together and the sex was tender and special — just as it always used to be. We had sex again the next night — when we were both stone-cold sober. Now I’m not sure where we stand. I know he is into a girl he serves with and he’s said he’s going to sort of ignore what happened between us. I told him I feel as though I am in an unrequited love situation and suggested we don’t talk or see one another again. He then got incredibly sad and said I am the only girl he ever loved. I am 21 now but just don’t know what to do or how we ended up in this mess. | He was hurt when you wouldn’t commit to a relationship and don’t try to tell yourself you’re not hurt now he is backing away from you. He may not be deliberately getting his own back but you must look after your own emotional welfare. Of course he’d like to keep you and the girl he works with, but where does that leave you? Tell him that good friends don’t have sex. Pluck up the courage and spell out exactly how you feel about him and what you want. But be firm that either you two try to make a go of a relationship or – as you suggested – stop seeing one another, at least while your feelings settle. If he’s not the one then you can move on and find the guy who wants what you do. |
1,179,354 | Dear Deidre | I’m confused after having the most loving sex with my best pal | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1179354/im-confused-after-having-the-most-loving-sex-with-my-best-pal/ | MY boyfriend beat up a guy I’d snogged at work and hit me. Now he wants us to marry. I had this crazy connection with the guy at work. He’s 22. I told him for a joke that I loved him and he looked into my eyes for ages then kissed me. I’d never felt anything like it. We started messaging and meeting secretly every night. I asked my boyfriend to leave. He’s 30 and I am 20. He didn’t take it well. He found the guy and beat him up, then came home and hit me. Our neighbours called the police. I was scared what my ex might do so I took him back and blocked the other guy. My ex wants us to marry but my feelings for the other guy have not changed. | The guy at work may or may not be the one for you, but you will only find out when you leave your current partner. Contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline for advice on how to end the relationship safely (0808 2000 247). My wife’s as cold as ice in the bedroom |
1,179,354 | Dear Deidre | I’m confused after having the most loving sex with my best pal | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1179354/im-confused-after-having-the-most-loving-sex-with-my-best-pal/ | MY wife is my ideal woman and I fancy her as much now as when we first met, but she is cold as ice in bed. She lost all interest in sex after our first child was born eight years ago. I tried not to take it personally but it was hard. When we did have sex there was no foreplay, no oral and I had to make it quick. I have come to realise that I am missing the emotional connection and feeling desired. I miss feeling masculine and being able to take my wife when I want her – with her whole-hearted consent, of course. We aim to have sex once a week but it rarely works out and I end up feeling like a desperate schoolboy. I don’t bring it up any longer but I am constantly wondering if she will start something and then I go to bed bitterly disappointed. I wish she still wanted me like I want her but I fear that animal instinct is dead and buried. We’re both 31. | Having a baby is the most common trigger for sexual problems. Tell your wife you need a relationship MOT and talk about what’s great and what’s not-so-great. My e-leaflet Has She Gone Off Sex? can help you sort this. |
1,179,354 | Dear Deidre | I’m confused after having the most loving sex with my best pal | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1179354/im-confused-after-having-the-most-loving-sex-with-my-best-pal/ | I LOVE my wife so much I forgave her for sexting other men but I cannot forget it or get it out of my head. It happened over a year ago. I am 32, she’s 27 and it has been such a tough time for me. The messages were hard enough to read but they also exchanged rude pictures. I still see them when I close my eyes. I tried talking to her about it at the time but she refused to listen to me and still won’t discuss what went on. I met a woman at work and I have started to have feelings for her, though nothing has happened between us. I have three wonderful kids and never thought this would happen to us. | Resist the temptation to find comfort in another woman’s arms. Tell your wife your marriage is in serious trouble and you cannot fix it alone. My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? explains how you can get over her betrayal. I fear my hubby is bedding ex-lover |
1,179,354 | Dear Deidre | I’m confused after having the most loving sex with my best pal | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1179354/im-confused-after-having-the-most-loving-sex-with-my-best-pal/ | MY husband was still having a friends-with-benefits relationship with his ex right up to our marriage last year. I have bad vibes that he is lying to me and still seeing her. He’s 29 and lives in the UK. I’m 22 and I am in India waiting for a visa which seems to be taking forever. He is home for our anniversary and I checked his phone yesterday and found many messages between him and his ex. When I confronted him he said it was just banter and told me to talk to his ex. I called her and she said they are still in touch and sometimes go for dinner, but that’s all. He is angry and says I should trust him. | You are married but living in very different cultures. He says you are over-reacting but how would he feel if you were having a similar relationship with a man where you are? Seeing his ex is asking for him to feel tempted at the very least, and he should spend his leisure time with friends with whom he hasn’t been FWB. Can you improve how you stay in touch so you feel closer in spite of the distance? Can you access Skype, or do sexy texting? Topic for today NEARLY half of men (45 per cent) worry they are too small sexually but 85 per cent of women are happy with their partner’s size. Skill not inches makes a good lover. My e-leaflet Manhood Too Small? offers reassurance. Email the address below for a copy. Get in touch Email me here, private message me on Facebook, or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE). |
1,171,701 | Dear Deidre | I'm pregnant with my lover's child but he doesn't know I'm married to father of my six-year-old son | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1171701/im-pregnant-with-my-lovers-child-but-he-doesnt-know-im-married-to-father-of-my-six-year-old-son/ | I’VE been having a passionate affair and I’m expecting my lover’s baby – but he has no idea I’m married. I have been with my husband for 11 years. Things have not been good for the majority of that time and I don’t love him any more. I have tried to leave him several times but we have a son who is six. My husband is controlling and makes me feel guilty if ever I talk about splitting up. I’m 29, he’s 33. I decided about a year ago that I needed to tone up, so I started swimming seriously three times a week in the evenings after our son went to bed. I often saw this particular guy there and one evening he bumped into me. He apologised and we got chatting. He asked me if he could take me for a drink afterwards to say sorry. I was flattered because he is seriously hot and all the girls fancy him. He is 30. We started meeting up and soon he invited me to his flat, where we ended up having wonderful sex. We always go there now after I’ve been swimming and making love with him is better than anything I’ve ever had before. I have fallen madly in love with him and he says he feels the same, but I still haven’t told him I’m married or about my son. I know it’s wrong. He thinks I live with my parents and has asked me to move in with him. He says he wants to marry me and have a family together but I don’t know how to tell my husband I’m leaving. Now I’m pregnant I’ve got to do something. I haven’t told my lover yet, because I have only just found out myself. I know it’s not my husband’s because we haven’t had sex for months. I have started being sick in the morning which my husband has noticed so he is getting suspicious. I really don’t want to be with him and just want to be happy — whether it’s with my lover or on my own. | Maybe it’s good this pregnancy has brought things to a head. You clearly want to get out of your marriage, but how do you feel about having another baby when you could end up as a single parent? Your lover talks of having a family together but you two haven’t even lived together. Your relationship is untried. He doesn’t know you have a son. Tell him the truth and see how he reacts. My e-leaflet on Unplanned Pregnancy will help you. You say your husband is controlling so talk over your marriage safely with the National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) or see refuge.org.uk. |
1,171,701 | Dear Deidre | I'm pregnant with my lover's child but he doesn't know I'm married to father of my six-year-old son | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1171701/im-pregnant-with-my-lovers-child-but-he-doesnt-know-im-married-to-father-of-my-six-year-old-son/ | NOW my husband has finally learned how to use a computer, he spends the whole day watching porn and searching for escort girls. We’ve been married for 12 years and we’re both 39. Over the past three years our sex life has dwindled to nothing. That made me sad but when I looked at his internet history it totally broke my heart. I feel worthless and ugly compared to these women online. Is there any point me carrying on with this marriage? Please believe me, I have tried again and again to put the spark back into our sex life but it’s been hopeless. | What was going on for him three years ago? Bereavement, anxiety and depression can all have a negative impact on a man’s libido. Pornography can be an escape, a comfort and a sexual release but it’s very addictive. Suggest the free online programme Kick Start Recovery to him – sexaddictionhelp.co.uk. |
1,171,701 | Dear Deidre | I'm pregnant with my lover's child but he doesn't know I'm married to father of my six-year-old son | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1171701/im-pregnant-with-my-lovers-child-but-he-doesnt-know-im-married-to-father-of-my-six-year-old-son/ | MY husband has been getting sexy messages from a female colleague who is 12 years younger than him. I found some on his phone and he admitted there had been more but he’d deleted them so I wouldn’t see them. He says he didn’t want hassle. We have been together for 15 years and have two kids aged nine and 11. He’s 40, I’m 38. He has a history of cheating. He’s done it before but only told me a year later. Whenever I hear his phone beep, I feel my blood boil. He doesn’t seem to understand how much it hurts me. He says he always comes home to me, so that is all that matters. | Of course this is a form of cheating. Tell him that your children deserve better, so he must stop flirting and focus on his family and your relationship. If need be, insist you go for counselling together or your marriage is on the line. Get free support from Relate (relate.org.uk). Fiancee’s ex sent pic of her post-sex |
1,171,701 | Dear Deidre | I'm pregnant with my lover's child but he doesn't know I'm married to father of my six-year-old son | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1171701/im-pregnant-with-my-lovers-child-but-he-doesnt-know-im-married-to-father-of-my-six-year-old-son/ | MY fiancée’s ex sent a picture to her phone of her naked on his bed – clearly after having sex. She’d been trying to say nothing was going on. I spotted warning flags when she kept getting texts from this ex-boyfriend. She’d been buying new clothes and sexy underwear and started coming home late. She denied everything but then he sent that photo – and clearly intended me to see it. We are both 24 and he’s 26. She then admitted she’d had sex with him once, after they’d been drinking. He then blackmailed her with the picture whenever he wanted sex – which was several times. I don’t know what to believe. She says she lied about cheating because she didn’t want to hurt me and that she loves me, but I can’t forget the image of her naked after sex with another man. | No wonder you’re hurt and full of doubts but the basic issue is whether she loves you enough for her to convince you she will never do anything like this again. Insist she deletes all her ex’s contact details from her phone. My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help, but only if you both give it your all. My guy’s mother really hates me |
1,171,701 | Dear Deidre | I'm pregnant with my lover's child but he doesn't know I'm married to father of my six-year-old son | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1171701/im-pregnant-with-my-lovers-child-but-he-doesnt-know-im-married-to-father-of-my-six-year-old-son/ | I BOUGHT my boyfriend’s mum flowers, chocolates and a present on her birthday but she threw them in the bin, saying she wouldn’t accept them – because she doesn’t accept me. I’ve been seeing my guy for ten months but his mother hates me. He still lives with his parents. He’s 22, I’m 21. His mum banned me from their house. She’s very controlling and causes arguments between everyone. I feel like I’m tearing the family apart. My boyfriend invited me to a family party and when we arrived together she started screaming that he’d give her a nervous breakdown if he carried on seeing me. We love each other and he wants me to be his girlfriend but how can I accept when his mother behaves like this? | You are not tearing his family apart, his mother is and he must deal with her himself. She’ll continue being manipulative as long as he and his father let her. If your boyfriend wants to be with you, he must make it clear to his mum that he is an adult and going to do what he wants. My e-leaflet Standing Up For Yourself will help. Topic for today One in six UK pregnancies is unplanned - with the majority among women aged 20-34. With contraceptive options better than ever, my e-leaflet Guide To Contraception explains how to make every child a wanted child. Get your copy from the address below. Get in touch Email me here, private message me on Facebook, or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE). |
1,167,676 | Dear Deidre | Hubby’s cheat video with my best friend is haunting me and ruining marriage | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1167676/hubbys-cheat-video-still-haunts-me-and-it-is-ruining-our-marriage/ | I CAUGHT my husband and best friend having sex in our utility room. I wasn’t there but I’ve got it on video. She’s been my friend for 20 years. We were in the same ward when our daughters were born and our friendship has always stayed strong. She’s 42 and my husband and I are both 43. Her mum and dad both died last year then her husband walked out to go off with someone else. I was there for her through it all. I knew she was feeling needy and was likely to throw herself at the first man who paid her any attention, so I wasn’t too pleased when she started flirting with my husband. She was making a fool of herself but I never thought she would try making a fool out of me. I work in a supermarket and it seemed like she could never remember my shifts. She always turned up on the nights when my husband was home on his own. I confronted my husband about this. He said not to worry — my mate was just lonely and bored. Then my sister sent me a text when I was stacking the shelves at work one time. She said she’d called round and caught the two of them kissing by the back door. What my husband was getting up to while I was at work began to worry me so much I got my nephew to set up some movement-activated cameras. One was in the kitchen and they had sex in the utility room with the door open so the camera caught it all. I showed my husband the video when I got home and he went white. He said it was a moment of madness which he totally regretted. I then confronted my friend and she said it had been just a one-off. My husband says he loves me and I don’t want to give up on my marriage — but I can’t get those images out of my head. | I’m not surprised. You can make a start by deleting that video but that doesn’t necessarily mean you can simply shrug and move on. They both behaved really badly and you want to be sure they both accept this and know just how angry you are. Your friend has been through a really bad time but that doesn’t excuse what she did. Has she really said sorry and tried to explain? But what matters most is your marriage. Be careful you don’t throw away what you value. Most marriages go through a bad patch, so make this a time for you both to take stock. My e-leaflet Cheating: Can You Get Over It? can help you get through this. Your friend needs to work hard on rebuilding bridges with you. If you’re willing, suggest she finds help for the loss of her parents through Cruse (cruse.org.uk, 0808 808 1677). Should I tell pal fiancé is gay? |
1,167,676 | Dear Deidre | Hubby’s cheat video with my best friend is haunting me and ruining marriage | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1167676/hubbys-cheat-video-still-haunts-me-and-it-is-ruining-our-marriage/ | I MET a cute gay man online but have just found out he’s due to get married next month – to a woman. I’m 29 and also a gay man. I often find people to chat to online and this guy and I really clicked. He’s 28 and we soon bared our all on the webcam. We arranged to meet up but I checked him on Facebook beforehand. I was shocked to see he is engaged to a woman and has two little kids. Not only that but he’s friends with an old pal of mine. I spoke to her and she said his fiancée was thrilled to be tying the knot at last. My friend begged me not to speak to her because she had just bought a house with her fella. She said I should talk to the guy, so I did, but he didn’t seem bothered. Should I tell his fiancée? | He is clearly leading a double life and that rarely ends well. But blowing his cover won’t make it OK. Talk to him, though. Say you hope he’s not risking his fiancee’s sexual health and that if he’s hurting her then he’ll also be hurting his kids. And let’s hope that that pricks his conscience. Our girl blames us, not abuser |
1,167,676 | Dear Deidre | Hubby’s cheat video with my best friend is haunting me and ruining marriage | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1167676/hubbys-cheat-video-still-haunts-me-and-it-is-ruining-our-marriage/ | MY daughter was sexually abused by her cousin when she was 13 and he was 21. Her dad and I didn’t tell the police back then and she blames us for that now. I didn’t know what to do at the time so I rang a helpline. They said not to report him, as it would cause needless trauma for her. We took that advice and supported our daughter as best we could. Years later she told us that was the wrong thing to do. We finally reported her cousin to the police. He will shortly appear in court. I’m 51 and my daughter is now 24. She’s very upset by it all. She blames us and says we messed up big time. | You meant well. She is projecting on to you some of her anger about the abuse she suffered then – though that was her cousin’s fault, not yours. Try to stay calm and tell her she can find support through NAPAC – the National Association for People Abused in Childhood (napac.org.uk, 0808 801 0331). You can find help at MOSAC which supports non-abusing parents of sexually abused children (mosac.org.uk, 0800 980 1958). |
1,167,676 | Dear Deidre | Hubby’s cheat video with my best friend is haunting me and ruining marriage | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1167676/hubbys-cheat-video-still-haunts-me-and-it-is-ruining-our-marriage/ | I SAID the L-word to my boyfriend and he freaked. I said I was sorry and haven’t dared say it again. I’m 28 and he’s 31. We’ve been together for six months but I’ve no idea how he feels about me. His partner before me was very controlling. She moved herself into his flat after only a month and stopped him from seeing his friends. In the end he told her to leave and he met me soon after, but I’m afraid I’m being tarred with the same brush. I don’t want to move into his place and I encourage him to go out with friends, but I’ve no idea if he loves me or not. | I doubt he does either. What seems clear is that he’s not ready for another relationship yet. Why did he let her move in if it wasn’t what he wanted? Why did he let her control him? Tell him to give you a call when he’s ready for love. Hope that clears his mind and he makes that call soon. |
1,167,676 | Dear Deidre | Hubby’s cheat video with my best friend is haunting me and ruining marriage | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1167676/hubbys-cheat-video-still-haunts-me-and-it-is-ruining-our-marriage/ | I’VE always thought our sex life was good but my wife told me last night she has never reached orgasm – she fakes it. I’m 44 and she’s 38. We have three lovely children and I’ve always felt lucky and loved. But this has now knocked me for six. It was my wife’s birthday and she doesn’t normally drink but had a few glasses of wine. She then came out with it as we got into bed. I was so shocked that I broke down in tears. I cannot understand what’s gone wrong. She then said she loves me and our sex life is “fine” – but I thought it was better than that. It’s been brilliant for me. | This might seem a disaster but it’s really a breakthrough. Your loving wife has plucked up courage to talk about sex. Tell her you’re glad she told you and ask her to carry on talking and showing you what would really arouse her. My e-leaflet on Women and Orgasm can help. Topic for today THE average household is £6,693 in debt, excluding mortgages. Some people know they’re sinking, others suddenly find themselves in trouble owing to redundancy, health or a relationship ending. My e-leaflet Solving Debt Problems helps you find free advice. Get in touch Email me here, private message me on Facebook, or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE). |
1,161,698 | Dear Deidre | Strung along by my sexy married neighbour after mind-blowing sex sessions | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1161698/strung-along-by-my-sexy-married-neighbour-after-mind-blowing-sex/ | I HAVE been having mind-blowing sex with a woman the same age as my mum. I have fallen for her but am getting mixed messages. She has known me since I was five, when she moved in three houses up from my parents. I’m a 23-year-old guy and moved back in with my mum last year when my relationship ended. This woman is 44 and is married with twin sons who are 11. I saw them playing football in the park and could see they were good so I offered to take them to training at the local football club. They were delighted and it became a regular thing. I get on really well with them. Their mum flirted with me every time I picked them up and took them back home. She asked me to go round one evening when the boys were staying with their grandparents and her husband was at work. We both had a bit to drink and I made a move on her. She responded quickly and we had incredible sex. She is better than anyone else I have ever known. Her husband has a good job so she doesn’t need to work. I work shifts and it has been easy for us to see each other regularly for sex. I have really fallen for her. She is pretty, sexy and everything I have ever wanted. The age gap doesn’t bother me in the slightest, nor does the fact that she is married and has kids. I would drop everything in a heartbeat if she would leave her husband. I have told her how I feel about her but she just kisses me to stop me talking. I know she doesn’t feel the same about me and I know the age gap worries her. But she still flirts with me and wants sex. It’s like she’s got me on a string. | I can understand the lure to carry on having sex with your neighbour but she doesn’t feel as much for you as you do for her and it sounds as though she reckons she has too much to lose to let this go any further. If you carry on this affair, you are the one who will get hurt. In any case, you are at very different stages in life. It may not feel like an issue now but imagine yourself at 33 and probably wanting kids of your own while she is 54. Be brave, be determined and stop having sex with her now. It is keeping you tied to her and stopping you seeing the relationship for what it is. My e-leaflet Your Lover Not Free? will help you assess this realistically. You deserve to have a girlfriend you can love openly – and have great sex with too. Agony at losing our baby girl |
1,161,698 | Dear Deidre | Strung along by my sexy married neighbour after mind-blowing sex sessions | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1161698/strung-along-by-my-sexy-married-neighbour-after-mind-blowing-sex/ | MY beautiful daughter died four weeks ago. Every morning I wonder how I am going to get through the day. It was very sudden. She was our only child. She was happily married to a wonderful man and was six months pregnant with their first child, our first grandchild. She was 24. My husband and I are 48. She phoned us one morning saying she was in terrible pain. We went round straight away and called an ambulance. Our daughter gave birth almost immediately and it was a gorgeous little boy but things went from bad to worse. The doctors and nurses did all they could but our daughter died from complications. Our grandson died six hours later. We are finding it impossible to come to terms with what has happened. | You and your husband are both in agony and it can make you draw back from one another, so do share your feelings with friends and look for outside support. Find real understanding through Compassionate Friends, for anyone who has lost a child of any age (tcf.org.uk, 0345 123 2304). Barmaid may tell my wife of sexts |
1,161,698 | Dear Deidre | Strung along by my sexy married neighbour after mind-blowing sex sessions | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1161698/strung-along-by-my-sexy-married-neighbour-after-mind-blowing-sex/ | I HAVE been sending sexy messages to a barmaid at my local and now I’m afraid it may backfire. I have been going to this pub for years and she started work there a few months ago. I texted her complimenting her figure and she said she liked men to admire it. I sent her a few more comments and they became increasingly sexual. I’m 38 and she’s in her twenties. I was in the pub recently and texted her while she was working. I saw her look at it but she didn’t reply. I felt stupid and sent another message apologising but she still didn’t reply. My wife’s 36 and she’s going to the same pub with colleagues next week. This barmaid is good-looking with a great body but she isn’t a particularly nice person. I’m scared she will show my wife the messages. Should I text her again apologising or leave it alone? | The barmaid clearly wants an end to these texts. She didn’t reply, so respect that and don’t message again. Say no more and hope she won’t show your wife. If she does, beg your wife’s forgiveness. Steer clear of her at the pub. |
1,161,698 | Dear Deidre | Strung along by my sexy married neighbour after mind-blowing sex sessions | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1161698/strung-along-by-my-sexy-married-neighbour-after-mind-blowing-sex/ | A LETTER dropped through the door saying my boyfriend had been cheating on me. We’ve been together for three years and have just bought a flat together. I’m 27 and he’s 29. The letter included a printout of their intimate texts. He claims it was just messages and nothing happened but she visited our house twice. She’s now sent another letter and a WhatsApp message saying they had sex twice. He denies it and says she is trying to split us up. It is a small blip and we can carry on. I’m fine at work and with friends and family but I get nervous when at home in case there are more letters. | You can’t sweep your hurt under the carpet. He is trying to make light of whatever happened but spell out it will be over if he does anything like that again. My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you rebuild your relationship more soundly. |
1,161,698 | Dear Deidre | Strung along by my sexy married neighbour after mind-blowing sex sessions | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1161698/strung-along-by-my-sexy-married-neighbour-after-mind-blowing-sex/ | MY mother-in-law didn’t want to know me until I gave birth to her grandchild. Suddenly she wants to be in our lives. She wanted to take my son to the park without me. He clung to me and screamed, as he is just 11 months old. She claims it’s my fault that he hasn’t bonded with her. Now she wants me and my husband to go away for a weekend so she can enjoy time with our son. She is 49. My husband and I are in our mid-twenties. He told his mother my family are terrible with our son and said he won’t go to see them but that is a lie. He will do anything to keep her happy and says I must give her what she wants. | Tell your husband to sort out his priorities. You and his son come first and he ought to be clear about that with his mother or her attitude will damage your marriage. My e-leaflet Standing Up For Yourself will help. Topic for today ADDICTION to online porn is a fast-growing problem but how do you tell if you’re hooked? Eleven hours a week is the tipping point. The youngest I’ve heard from with this worry was just 11. For my leaflet Internet Pornography Worry? email me here. Get in touch |
1,165,117 | DEAR DEIDRE | I caught my new wife in bed with my teenage son | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1165117/i-caught-my-new-wife-in-bed-with-my-teenage-son/ | I FOUND my son in bed with my wife. She isn’t his mother but I think it’s appalling. I’m 44. My son is 19 and his sister is two years younger. Their mother died ten years ago. The three of us had a tough time. I was so busy trying to take care of my two little kids and make money as well that I hardly had time to grieve. My daughter always behaved like an angel but my son was a different story. I know losing his mum hit him hard but I don’t understand why he blamed me. When the kids got older, I realised how lonely I was and I tried to find love. I’ve had a few girlfriends and my daughter was pleasant to every one of them. Not so my son. When I’ve introduced him to a girlfriend he could barely be bothered to smile and say hi. Later he’d tell me my girlfriend was ugly or dull. I tried not to get angry as I knew he was missing his mum but it still made me feel really sad. Then I met a friend of a mate who was lovely and sweet and she made me feel happy inside. When my son met her he grudgingly told me that she was OK. My daughter liked her, too. I was over the moon. It was a whirlwind romance and we got married six months later. She made me feel good and she loved my two kids. READ MORE: Strung along by my sexy married neighbour after mind-blowing sex I love my boyfriend but I’m hooked on orgasmic sex with my boss Hubby had sex with my sister and now I’m not sure I can ever forgive them I was away at the weekend with work and my daughter was staying with friends. That left my wife and my son in the house. I came home early and went upstairs to get changed. I found my son and my wife having sex in my bed and my world crashed down around me, I love them both. I don’t know what to do. | You must be in turmoil right now. There are no rules for dealing with such a blow, except try to stay calm and get through it. You’ve been horribly betrayed by your new wife and you’ll need to put distance between you. Tell her she has to move out while you try to take stock – and try to talk to your son. It sounds like his grief at the loss of his mum is still raw. Did he have counselling when his mum died? He chose to hurt you profoundly and that means real anger inside. Talk to Cruse Bereavement Care (cruse.org.uk, 0808 808 1677). You did your best to cope at the time but now you need to do more than just cope. You can’t do that alone. With help you may forgive your son but forgiving your wife may be too much to ask. Start by getting support for yourself. His low sex drive makes me angry |
1,165,117 | DEAR DEIDRE | I caught my new wife in bed with my teenage son | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1165117/i-caught-my-new-wife-in-bed-with-my-teenage-son/ | MY husband and I have had sex three times in two years. I’m 29 and he’s 28. We have been together for four years and have a one-year-old baby girl. I love him to bits but he never instigates sex. He rejects me in the bedroom and says he doesn’t want counselling or doctors. He says that he loves me but has no sex drive. I’m angry that he didn’t tell me before we got married. I’ve met a new man through work and I feel a connection. I’m tempted to leave the man I love and go for a man who wants sex. | If you want to have sex and you need to feel loved and desired then you’re never going to be happy with your husband. His sex drive won’t change unless he wants it to change. You have your little girl to think of too, so work through all of this with Relate (relate.org.uk, 0300 100 1234). In-laws ruining our engagement |
1,165,117 | DEAR DEIDRE | I caught my new wife in bed with my teenage son | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1165117/i-caught-my-new-wife-in-bed-with-my-teenage-son/ | I’M engaged but my future in-laws are a nightmare. I have been with my girlfriend for five years and have my own flat. My fiancée still lives with her parents and that’s how they want it to stay. She is 26 and I’m 28. Her mother complains about everything and her husband just backs her up. She was slagging off her husband and my girlfriend when I said: “I don’t know why they put up with you.” I tried to build bridges but I just lost it again when her mum said I’d never amount to anything. I swore and said I had already achieved more than she had. I want my girlfriend to move in with me but she’s unsure. | Ask her to think about how she sees your relationship. If she isn’t willing to plan a real future with you, this isn’t going anywhere. The longer she stays there, the harder it will be. It’s time for her to decide. |
1,165,117 | DEAR DEIDRE | I caught my new wife in bed with my teenage son | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1165117/i-caught-my-new-wife-in-bed-with-my-teenage-son/ | MY boyfriend insults and hurts me. He says we are finished, then claims it was only a joke. I’ve been with him for three years and he calls me fat and ugly and says no other man will want me. I’m 25 and he’s 29. When I was pregnant he called me a hippo and did face swaps with photos of me and a hippo, and stuck them round the house. The worst bit came when our baby was born. He said the whole thing was disgusting. He accused me of flirting with a doctor because I let him touch my private parts. When they gave him our daughter to hold, he said she smelt rank, “like her mum”. He never pays for anything. I have suffered from depression since our daughter was born and he says he has caught it from me. Is this normal? Will he change? Should I leave for the sake of my daughter? | It is vile behaviour and not normal. No, he won’t change unless he wants to and that could be never. Yes, please get away from this abusive and horrible man for the sake of your daughter and yourself. He’s clearly worn down your self-esteem. Read my e-leaflet Abusive Partner for support and courage to go your own way. |
1,165,117 | DEAR DEIDRE | I caught my new wife in bed with my teenage son | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1165117/i-caught-my-new-wife-in-bed-with-my-teenage-son/ | MY son’s girlfriend is lazy. I don’t think she has cleaned their house for a year. She is 27 and my son’s 26. Instead of washing pants or socks she chucks them out and buys new ones. They have two lovely boys aged five and seven who deserve better. I’m 51 and it upsets me. Is there anything I can do? | Perhaps she wasn’t taught any housekeeping skills. Has your son got the skills that she lacks? Being parents means being a team. Ask if you can help out, too. |
1,165,117 | DEAR DEIDRE | I caught my new wife in bed with my teenage son | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1165117/i-caught-my-new-wife-in-bed-with-my-teenage-son/ | MY girlfriend turns into a lesbian when she drinks. I’ve begged her to stop her behaviour but she won’t. She’s 26, I’m 28 and we’ve been together for six months. When she’s sober she’s great. She touches me in all the right places and makes me feel sexy and loved. When she’s drunk she will leave me alone in the pub and start kissing some girl. Last time she did it she brought the girl over, hand-in-hand, and tried to persuade me to have a threesome with them. I didn’t like the way she looked at the girl, like she made her feel really turned on. It made me feel funny so of course I refused. She kept on, so finally I left the pub and went home alone. She’s a beautiful girl and I can’t live without her but this is breaking up our relationship. What can I do? | Is she confused over her sexuality? She’s certainly acting that way. When she’s sober, be brave and ask if she’s really bisexual or gay. Go very gently, as she may need help to accept this about herself. The LGBT+ Helpline can help (switchboard.lgbt, 0300 330 0630), as can my e-leaflet Bisexual Issues. You can live without her. If she can’t be happy with just you, then you’re better off walking away. Topic if the day I REGULARLY hear from people worried that the way they or their partner enjoys sex isn’t normal. Nothing is wrong as long as you both enjoy it but one person’s fancy can fill the other with horror. My e-leaflet Kinky Sex Worries? can help. Get in touch Email me, private message me on Facebook, or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE). |
1,157,910 | Dear Deidre | Friend is furious after I cheated on my violent girlfriend with his little sister | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1157910/friend-is-furious-after-i-cheated-on-my-girlfriend-with-his-little-sister/ | I HAD sex with my best mate’s sister after a row with my ex. It was great at the time but now all three of them are furious with me. I’m 29 and my ex is 25. She’s a beautiful girl with a huge sexual appetite. We’ve been on and off for three years. It’s been an exciting and nerve-racking time. I never know when I’ll say the wrong thing and she’ll get in a rage. She’s got a filthy mouth and doesn’t think twice about thumping me hard. Since I’ve been with her I’ve found myself acting the same. We keep splitting up and then getting together again. The last time it happened I felt like I just couldn’t take any more. I went down the pub and this girl at the bar started chatting to me. She was pretty and fun and it took me a while to catch on to the fact that she’s the sister of my best mate. She’s 24. I walked her back home. She said that she’d liked me for years and I ended up staying the night. The sex was great but in the morning I realised I’d made a mistake. I was feeling messed-up and hungover. She asked if she’d see me again and I basically said, “No way!”. Not tactful, I know. This girl told her mate that we’d been together. Word got around and got back to my girlfriend, or ex — or whatever she is. She’s furious. She’s told my mate’s sister to stay away from me or else. The poor girl was freaked and told her brother she’d been threatened. Now my best mate has told me we’re finished as friends and my girlfriend has told me we’re over as lovers for good. I’m at my wits’ end. We’ve been mates since we were at secondary school. I just want to be back with my girlfriend and on good terms with my mate. | I don’t think you will be able to make it up with them both. Your mate won’t be impressed if you go back to the girl who threatened his sister. What’s more, if his sister has told him how badly you treated her that night, then I doubt he’d want to be mates with you again anyway. What puzzles me most is why you’re so keen to get back with your girlfriend. Your sex life may be great but does that make up for the violence and verbal abuse? She sounds like a troubled person with a troubled past. I’d be wary of settling down with a woman like this. You say that you’ve changed since you’ve known her. Do you feel happy with what you’ve turned into? If you keep away from her now, my guess is she’ll soon change her mind and come running. But don’t rush to get back in her arms. My e-leaflet Addictive Love? can help you think this all through. Hubby’s porn use is out of control |
1,157,910 | Dear Deidre | Friend is furious after I cheated on my violent girlfriend with his little sister | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1157910/friend-is-furious-after-i-cheated-on-my-girlfriend-with-his-little-sister/ | MY husband seems to look at porn whenever I walk out of the room. I can’t compete with his digital fantasies. I’m 28 and he’s 33. I’m not against him watching it now and then but his viewing escalated while I was pregnant – and hasn’t changed since our son was born in March. This weekend we had sex on Saturday morning while our little boy slept, then my husband went downstairs and switched on porn. Then he came back upstairs and had more sex with me. It was the same on Sunday. He seems to enjoy having sex still but he doesn’t climax with me like he did. I don’t feel like I’m good enough. We had lots of sex this weekend but it could be weeks before it happens again – and I know he’ll be looking at porn every day. He got into the habit of viewing pornography during your pregnancy and it’s become compulsive behaviour. | Tell him how sad it makes you and that it’s affecting your marriage. Suggest he try the Kick Start Recovery Programme (sexaddictionhelp.co.uk). My e-leaflet Internet Pornography Worry? will help too. Should I tell his wife he’s a cheat? |
1,157,910 | Dear Deidre | Friend is furious after I cheated on my violent girlfriend with his little sister | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1157910/friend-is-furious-after-i-cheated-on-my-girlfriend-with-his-little-sister/ | A GOOD friend has told me he cheats on his wife. I’ve told him he’s making a big mistake but he won’t stop. He let me in on his secret affair at the start. He said it was just a quick fling but that was six months ago now and it’s still going on. We’re both in our early forties and our wives are a similar age. The two of them are very close friends but neither of them know about this affair. Should I tell my wife what is going on or go straight to his wife and confess all? Or should I have a chat with the “other woman”? I feel stuck in an awful situation. What should I do? | What’s really bad is that you’re having to keep a secret from your wife. She may well pick up on the fact you’re deceiving her and get the wrong idea about who’s cheating. Tell your friend that you don’t want to hear another word about his affair, that you think it is wrong and hate being put in the position of being less than truthful with your wife. Then back off and focus on making sure your own wife feels loved and appreciated. |
1,157,910 | Dear Deidre | Friend is furious after I cheated on my violent girlfriend with his little sister | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1157910/friend-is-furious-after-i-cheated-on-my-girlfriend-with-his-little-sister/ | I CAUGHT my now ex-girlfriend violently shaking our six-month-old daughter then throwing her on the bed. I called the police straightaway and took my daughter to A&E. I’m 28 and my ex is 26. She has a volatile temper and it wasn’t the first time I’d seen her get angry with our baby. The police and social services investigated but my ex denied it. Social services has now kicked me out of the house because of a domestic incident with a previous girlfriend five years ago. I want to get full custody of my daughter but that looks unlikely now. | As long as you have overcome your anger problems it’s worth your best shot, especially if your daughter is at risk. Families Need Fathers can support and advise (fnf.org.uk). Whatever happens, I hope you’ll maintain regular involvement with your little girl. She clearly needs your love and care. |
1,157,910 | Dear Deidre | Friend is furious after I cheated on my violent girlfriend with his little sister | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1157910/friend-is-furious-after-i-cheated-on-my-girlfriend-with-his-little-sister/ | MY sex life has taken a nosedive since my daughter was born three months ago. I’m 22 and my husband is 23. He used to be the best lover but now he can last for a couple of minutes at most. I worry he just isn’t that into me any more and is rushing intercourse to get it over with, but he swears he still fancies me just as much as ever. The other thing is that I don’t seem to enjoy sex like I used to and I haven’t climaxed in such a long time. I want things back to how they were before. | Having a baby probably interrupted your sex life for a while, so your husband’s sexual tension had more time to build up – hence him starting to climax quickly. Fret less and explore other ways to show you love each other in ways other than sex while you both adjust. My e-leaflets Want To Last Longer? and Sex After A Baby will help. Topic for today A WHOPPING 93 per cent of couples who have seen a Relate sex therapist found it improved their relationship. If you would like some helpful suggestions on how to spice up your sex life, email for my e-leaflet, How Sex Therapy Helps. Get in touch |
1,160,470 | Dear Deidre | Hubby had sex with my sister and I’m not sure I can ever forgive them | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1160470/hubby-had-sex-with-my-sister-and-now-im-not-sure-i-can-ever-forgive-them/ | I CAUGHT my husband and sister having sex on our lounge floor. It gave me the shock of my life. I thought we were so strong together, now I am utterly lost. We have been together for two years and have twin boys aged four. My husband is 26, I am 23. It has been a tough year. That afternoon I had been out fund-raising for our local children’s hospice as my niece — my sister’s daughter — died from cancer late last year. She was nine. My sister, who is 30, is still not coping at all well and her husband has sort of disappeared into himself. My husband and I have been her main support and I was so proud of him as it’s not been easy with our two boys being pretty demanding too. That day I realised I had forgotten my mobile so popped home after an hour to pick it up and there they were. I ran out of the house, collected the boys from my friend where they were playing with her little boy, and drove to my mum’s house. My husband came after me but I refused to speak to him. He keeps apologising, saying he loves me, that sex with my sister meant nothing and he has no idea how he let it happen. Apparently she had come round in tears again, he gave her a cuddle and one thing led to another. My sister too is in pieces saying it will never happen again. I believe they are sorry for hurting me but I still cannot even look him in the face let alone sleep with him as he wants us to. He thinks making love will put things right but I am broken and disgusted. How on earth can we get through this and be the happy couple we were before? We have been through so much together and he has always been my rock until now. I have been there for my sister too. This is how they repay me. | There is no excuse but your sister has suffered a terrible bereavement and people do sometimes behave totally out of character at these times. It’s good that your husband is desperate to make it up to you but tell him it is too soon to just kiss and make up. Men often tend to see sex as the way to get closer while women need to feel close before they have sex. You can get through this crisis and be even stronger than you were before. He is going to have to start wooing you all over again and convince you that you can trust him. You must try to see the bigger picture – that it would be a tragedy to let one mistake wreck your everything. My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? explains how. You’ll need to take a break from your sister but try to keep your heart open so a rift doesn’t split the whole family. |
1,160,470 | Dear Deidre | Hubby had sex with my sister and I’m not sure I can ever forgive them | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1160470/hubby-had-sex-with-my-sister-and-now-im-not-sure-i-can-ever-forgive-them/ | MY husband has a short fuse and is constantly fighting with my two sons. He’s 41 and I’m 38. My eldest is 16 and he’s a good kid but tends to lash out verbally and doesn’t always obey the rules we set for him. He gets irritable and will stand arguing the toss for ages. He has few real friends and his two best mates are online. Our youngest is 14 and he copies his brother and that winds my husband up. He does his schoolwork and gets good grades but I wish we could live more peacefully together. I feel like I know the right answers but no one is listening to me. | Children copy the behaviour of adults around them and seeing your husband lose his rag is brushing off onto the boys. Keep rules to a minimum, and make them about staying safe and showing mutual respect. Family Lives can help (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222). |
1,160,470 | Dear Deidre | Hubby had sex with my sister and I’m not sure I can ever forgive them | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1160470/hubby-had-sex-with-my-sister-and-now-im-not-sure-i-can-ever-forgive-them/ | I CANNOT perform as much as my girlfriend would like and I fear she may look elsewhere. She has a much higher sex drive than me and that is becoming a problem which really bothers me. I am 23, she is 20 and gorgeous. Guys always eye her up. We have been together for four months and she wants sex constantly. She jokes about buying a sex toy for when I cannot manage sex. I share the joke but deep down I am terrified she will actually go to someone else for it. Is there any way I can boost my sex drive to help me satisfy her needs? | Lots of couples have different sex drives. If she wants sex toys you may need to brush up on your techniques. Or is it that she needs reassurance you love her. How often do you kiss and cuddle apart from when you have sex? My e-leaflet on How To Thrill A Woman In Bed? can help. Loving wife has no idea I’m gay |
1,160,470 | Dear Deidre | Hubby had sex with my sister and I’m not sure I can ever forgive them | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1160470/hubby-had-sex-with-my-sister-and-now-im-not-sure-i-can-ever-forgive-them/ | I HAD my first gay experience a few years ago and it was mind-blowing. I now have regular sex with this guy who is 40, but I have none with my wife. She loves me so much and it would kill her to know the truth. I am 45 and lost my virginity to my wife in my early twenties. It was great – and a relief, as I was attracted to boys but homosexuality was not accepted in my family. We have a daughter, who is 21 now, but we hardly have sex now. I finally started a gay relationship which has been wonderful. Everyone says my wife and I are a fantastic couple but most nights I want to go to my lover instead. | Your wife can’t be happy about your marriage either. You have some choices here. She could accept you having another relationship, you could end your marriage but without sharing your other relationship with the family, or you could come out. Your sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of but an ongoing deception is. You can find support through Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline (switchboard.lgbt 0300 330 0630). Longtime lover is only up for fun |
1,160,470 | Dear Deidre | Hubby had sex with my sister and I’m not sure I can ever forgive them | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1160470/hubby-had-sex-with-my-sister-and-now-im-not-sure-i-can-ever-forgive-them/ | I’VE been seeing a man for four years but I have never met his family or friends. We’re both divorced and agreed we don’t want to marry again or live together. We get on really well, have loads of fun but he insists we’re still casual. I want to feel special. He’s 45 and has a 15-year-old daughter but he will only tell her that we’re friends. She doesn’t know that I stay over when she is not there. I’m 47 and have a married grown-up daughter who knows all about us. She and her husband have met his daughter but they must only say we are friends. I love him but my daughter thinks I am wasting my time waiting for him to change. | Four years is long enough for him to know whether he wants to commit to you. If you give him an ultimatum it might make him realise he doesn’t want to lose you. But don’t go there unless you’re clear you’d rather be alone than have your feelings ignored like this. If he only wants something casual, best finish with him and free yourself to find someone who wants what you want. |
1,205,937 | Dear Deidre | I'm having a relationship with a guy whose family wants him to marry another girl | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1205937/lovers-dad-is-raging-at-affair/ | I’M having a passionate relationship with a guy I worked for, but he has cheated on me with a girl his family really want him to marry. I’m 21 and my lover is 28. I first met him out clubbing and he took me back to his flat a few times for sex, which was great. He’s very good-looking. His family own an Indian restaurant and he runs it. He told me they were looking for a waitress and asked if I was interested. I jumped at the chance because I’d been unemployed for a while and it meant I could see more of him. We always flirted a lot and sometimes we’d go out for a drink when the restaurant closed in the afternoon or up to his flat after work. We’d always make love but he never let me stay the night. He said his family wouldn’t like it if they realised. I was devastated when his dad brought a girl to lunch in the restaurant one day and told all the staff that this was my boyfriend’s fiancée. I was so shocked I burst into tears and then it all came out about our affair. It was a terrible scene with the other girl sobbing and screaming, my boyfriend and his dad shouting at one another, and me in meltdown. The other staff and customers looked terrified. His dad was furious with my boyfriend and sacked me, even though I was one of their best employees. My boyfriend is still in contact with me secretly, though, and he always tells me how much he loves me. He says he doesn’t want to marry the other girl but has to go along with what his family wants or they will cut him off. I’m still sneaking round to his flat whenever he gives the word. It is as passionate as ever. He wants us to carry on seeing one another even after he’s married. I really do love him but can it ever work? Will his family let it? | It’s very hard when relationships are pressured by such strong cultural and family traditions but you’re best backing off before you get hurt even further. This guy deceived you, leaving you feeling betrayed and humiliated but it’s not as if the two of you built up a strong relationship. He is accepting what his family says so he is unlikely ever to go against his parents and stand up for having a relationship with you. It’s just going to be a dead-end affair for you and you deserve better. Tell him you understand he feels torn but say you can’t see him again unless he openly breaks off his engagement and commits to you. You’re young with your life ahead of you. My e-leaflets Mend Your Broken Heart and Help For Job Hunters will help you to move on and find work too. I've been made a fool by my love |
1,205,937 | Dear Deidre | I'm having a relationship with a guy whose family wants him to marry another girl | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1205937/lovers-dad-is-raging-at-affair/ | I LIVED with a woman I considered my best friend for three years, hoping for a proper relationship. Now she’s told me that will never happen. I feel she’s taken me for a fool. We met five years ago and I was instantly smitten. We have many things in common - we had both been married before and each had two children. We spent every day together and even moved into the same house but not the same bedroom. I am 49 and she’s 46. My other friends thought I was a fool. After three years I wanted to move our relationship forward and become a real couple. She told me she didn’t want a relationship – ever. I was devastated and told her I didn’t want to see or hear from her again. She’s gone now and I miss her so much. Was she just playing me for a fool or have I made a terrible mistake? | I doubt she cynically deceived you. It’s more likely her divorce has made her wary and she was comfortable where she was. At least now you know and can meet someone new for a proper relationship. My e-leaflet Finding The Love Of Your Life can help. He makes drugs a priority over me |
1,205,937 | Dear Deidre | I'm having a relationship with a guy whose family wants him to marry another girl | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1205937/lovers-dad-is-raging-at-affair/ | IT would be OK if my boyfriend smoked cannabis only now and again but he’s smoking it every day. I feel it is more of a priority to him than our relationship. He sits in his car with his friend at night smoking until stupid o’clock in the morning. I think it should be a weekend thing if he has to do it. I’m 21 and my boyfriend is 22. We’ve been together for a year. We had a problem a few months back when he took drugs with a friend and we ended up arguing so much that he cheated on me. We have been fine since then but I’m still learning to trust him again. I feel I need to trust his friends too. I’m unsure of how I should feel or react. I don’t want to push him away but he’s pushing me away. | You don’t trust him – that’s a fact. You can’t stop him taking drugs either. This is a choice only he can make for himself. But you must stand firm and urge him to get help from FRANK to quit (talktofrank.com, 0300 123 6600). If the drugs mean more to him than your feelings and he has no intention of changing his ways, then it may be best for you to walk away. |
1,205,937 | Dear Deidre | I'm having a relationship with a guy whose family wants him to marry another girl | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1205937/lovers-dad-is-raging-at-affair/ | THINGS seem to be fizzling out between me and my partner. What can we do to get the spark back? I am 32, she’s 28. We have been together for six years. I have always lacked confidence sexually but lately my sex drive is pretty much non-existent. We both work in demanding jobs, so get tired, and we often just fall asleep in front of the TV after tea. She helps her brother take care of her elderly parents so our weekends seem to be spoken for before they arrive. I do love her still and I’m sure she loves me. I’d just like us to enjoy more intimacy. How do we get more time for us and get the passion back before it’s too late? | Tell your partner that you love her and aim for quality rather than quantity in your sex life. Plan a night every other weekend, if needed, when you devote time and attention to each other. My e-leaflet 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex will help. |
1,205,937 | Dear Deidre | I'm having a relationship with a guy whose family wants him to marry another girl | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1205937/lovers-dad-is-raging-at-affair/ | MY husband spends most of his day asleep or watching box sets on TV. He gave up work after our second son was born to care for me as I have rheumatoid arthritis but our son is now four and I am back at work while studying part-time too. I’m 36 and my husband is 38. The house always looks like a bomb has hit it. Trying to get him to do any housework is a nightmare. He becomes very angry and says he will leave if what he does isn’t good enough. I’ve tried doing everything myself but I get too ill and tired. | He may not have been taught the right skills and so gets defensive. Talk to him without being critical about how to get organised. Write a schedule for everything that needs doing and volunteer a bit – but block off the hours you are working and studying. Could he be suffering depression? If so, help him see his GP. topic4today A SENSUOUS all-over body massage can revive a flagging sex life. It is a non-threatening way to get physically close again when full sex feels a challenge too far. My leaflet Massage For Couples is a step-by-step guide. Email me at the address below for a copy. Get in touch Email me here, private message me on Facebook, or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE). |
1,175,561 | Dear Deidre | Why must my hot romp with old boss be kept a secret? | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1175561/why-must-my-hot-romp-with-old-boss-be-kept-a-secret/ | I HAD breathtakingly wonderful sex three times in a row with my former boss. I stayed the night with him but next morning he told me that we had better keep it to ourselves or it could cause problems. Now I don’t know what to think. I am 20 and a freelance designer. I did some work for an advertising company who needed temporary staff for a big new client. I got on very well with the manager. He was 30-something and really hot. I didn’t think much more about it when I left, but then he started sending me messages on Facebook. I responded because I hoped it would lead to another job. He invited me to an agency party at a swish venue. I dressed my smartest and sexiest, hoping it would make me stand out in the crowd and lead to some work. My old boss paid me a lot of attention and towards the end of the evening, told me he really liked me. We shared a taxi afterwards and he had told the driver to go to his place, not to my friend’s where I was supposed to be staying. He asked me in for a drink and soon got more than a little affectionate. We ended up having sex, which was great, but it was what he said next morning that bothers me. He said to keep what happened “between ourselves”. I can’t see why this is. There was no evidence of a woman living there. I don’t have contact with his other staff to spill the beans. So what is the big deal? Is he going to be my new boyfriend or not? I feel used and confused. | It looks like this is one night you should put down to experience. Learn from it. Maybe he just felt like sex and found you tempting. He may even have planned the whole scenario at the time he first messaged you. If he wants it kept under wraps, it sounds as though he has something to hide. A long-term partner? A wife and kids out of town? Or maybe he just sees you as a short-term fling and has a reputation for it. Accept that you need to know more about someone before having sex. You know now how it can leave you feeling. Knowing nothing about his personal life leaves you at risk of infection. If you want to see him again though, contact him and ask, “What now?” You may not hear anything or maybe he will fancy arranging another get-together. If so, make sure you find out a lot more before going home with him. |
1,175,561 | Dear Deidre | Why must my hot romp with old boss be kept a secret? | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1175561/why-must-my-hot-romp-with-old-boss-be-kept-a-secret/ | My boyfriend went crazy when I told him I thought I was pregnant. He told me to get rid of it, saying if I keep it he will do a runner. This happened just after we had come back from a wonderful holiday in Tenerife. I am 26, he is 29. He has a son by his ex and I told him I am going to tell her when the child is born as our baby has a right to know he or she has a half-brother. He went mad and said I have no right, that he doesn’t want his children knowing about one another. I suggested to him we meet up to talk but he refused. He says he wants me but not the baby and to get shot of it. | This uncaring boyfriend is not going to be a caring partner and father so you are on your own here. He would have a legal duty to pay maintenance but that is all the support you’re going to get, and your child would never know a loving dad. I doubt your relationship can survive him being so harsh anyway, but only you can decide what matters most to you now. My e-leaflet on Unplanned Pregnancy will help and you can find the support you need right away through Brook (www.brook.org.uk, text 07537 402 024). |
1,175,561 | Dear Deidre | Why must my hot romp with old boss be kept a secret? | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1175561/why-must-my-hot-romp-with-old-boss-be-kept-a-secret/ | I have met a very attractive woman on a social network site. We exchanged phone numbers and have regularly chatted online, but she always makes excuses when I suggest we meet. She is 37 and has a daughter who is 17 and whom she says is having problems back in her home country of Nigeria. She keeps asking me for money to help her daughter out. I haven’t given her anything yet but she goes on about it and I’m beginning to suspect this whole thing might be a scam. I have tried calling her on the mobile number she gave me but I get no reply. I really like her but I am not in a position to help her out financially. Obviously I don’t want to upset her by accusing her of anything underhand. I am 53. | This sounds like a regular online scam. The fact that this woman makes herself sound really likeable is all part of the softening-up process but any photo you’ve seen could be of anyone. You might not even be chatting with a woman, nor to the same person every time. I’d be amazed if there is a genuine daughter abroad. Stop your contact and report your suspicions to Action Fraud (www.actionfraud.police.uk, 0300 123 2040). |
1,175,561 | Dear Deidre | Why must my hot romp with old boss be kept a secret? | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1175561/why-must-my-hot-romp-with-old-boss-be-kept-a-secret/ | I keep visiting “working girls” because I suffer from erection difficulties. I can only climax when I ask someone to dress up, perform certain acts, etc. I am 39. I don’t have a partner or regular girlfriend. I haven’t had a sexual relationship since I split up with my last girlfriend eight years ago. She was not keen on sex and finally we drifted apart because we had nothing in common. I like knowing that I can ask a woman for just about anything and she will oblige without being shocked. I know I will be able to get an erection when a woman wears sexy underwear, for example. I don’t know how to deal with this as I think that if I ever do find another girlfriend, I won’t be able to perform at all. | In a proper relationship with a partner you love and trust, the two of you will be able to work out between you what is most enjoyable for both of you. Unless you have far more extreme tastes than you imply here, all should be well. Or is that about you finding it hard to allow for a partner’s needs and feelings at all? My e-leaflet Solving Erection Problems will help you decide and find the right sort of help. Teenage Trouble |
1,175,561 | Dear Deidre | Why must my hot romp with old boss be kept a secret? | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1175561/why-must-my-hot-romp-with-old-boss-be-kept-a-secret/ | I am a girl of 16 but I believe I am really a male. Our prom is coming up soon and I want to wear a tuxedo rather than a dress. My mum will be horrified as she dislikes the masculine clothing I wear and tries to persuade me to have girlie things. I also want a short haircut instead of my long one. I have a girlfriend who is very supportive. She is the only person who knows about me. I have no idea how to tell my family. They don’t know anything about it. I just want to be myself but my family go on at me about my masculine tastes and it makes me feel awkward and ashamed. I even have to wash my boxers at my girlfriend’s house so my family doesn’t see them. | Compromise on the prom outfit. Perhaps a pair of black evening trousers and a top, shirt or jacket which is not too feminine will work for you. It takes time for parents to learn to accept their child is not the person they thought he or she was, but you can all get help from Mermaids who are for under-19s with gender identity worries and their families (www.mermaidsuk.org.uk). |
1,175,561 | Dear Deidre | Why must my hot romp with old boss be kept a secret? | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1175561/why-must-my-hot-romp-with-old-boss-be-kept-a-secret/ | My lovely gran died a while back and I am finding it so hard to cope without her. I miss her so much. I am a boy of 15. I used to cycle round to hers at weekends because she lived alone and needed a bit of company and a chat. She was always kind to me and listened to how things are at school, wanted to know about my friends, etc. She always gave me a bar of chocolate. I went off that type of choc bar years ago but I hadn’t the heart to tell her. I don’t know how I am going to get through Sundays without her. I still imagine her being there in her bungalow, looking out of the window and rushing to the front door to let me in. | Losing someone you love who has been there for you all your life is very sad. It will leave a gap but do talk about your happy memories of your grandmother with your family and friends. Those memories you will keep her with you. Get help through Hopeagain which is for young people and responded to by other young people who have also been bereaved (www.hopeagain.org.uk, 0808 808 1677). |
1,433,176 | DEAR DEIDRE | I'm having a beautiful love affair with an old friend and am devastated he wants to end it | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1433176/im-having-a-beautiful-love-affair-with-an-old-friend-and-am-devastated-he-wants-to-end-it/ | I HAVE been making the most beautiful love with an old friend but now he says he feels too guilty to continue our affair. I am in physical pain with the heartbreak. I am 43 and lost my husband a year ago after nursing him for months at home. This man, who is 49, and my husband used to work together and he was a great support. We all used to go out as a foursome until his marriage broke down three years ago. After my husband died, he took me out and one day, he confessed he was attracted to me. I told him I felt the same but he said we could only be friends because his wife and daughter would never understand. A couple of weeks later he came to see me and said: “I want you so much. We are adults and aren’t harming anyone.” We made love and it was so wonderful. Our affair carried on for three months, snatching moments here and there. We knew we needed to be discreet but inevitably I fell in love with him. At last I could see a happy future. Things were going well, I thought, until one day he told me there could be no more sex or spending time together other than as friends. He said he felt guilty and was worried his wife would use their daughter against him. They are separated but not divorced. I was so shocked. I am heartbroken. I thought my life was moving forward at last. My late husband and I always agreed that, if we ever lost one another, we would hope to find someone kind and loving rather than having a bleak, lonely future. I have asked my new love to give it more time and he agreed — but nothing has changed. | I am so sorry you are suffering all over again but, if the man you have fallen for is determined your relationship can be “friends only”, you have to find ways of moving on. I am so sorry you are suffering all over again but, if the man you have fallen for is determined your relationship can be “friends only”, you have to find ways of moving on. He is more involved with his estranged wife than he let on initially, or perhaps realised himself. He is more involved with his estranged wife than he let on initially, or perhaps realised himself. Now he is pulling back, you can wait a while to see if anything changes – but don’t leave it too long or you will have even more heartache to deal with. Now he is pulling back, you can wait a while to see if anything changes – but don’t leave it too long or you will have even more heartache to deal with. Losing another person you love has probably stirred up the grief of losing your husband. Losing another person you love has probably stirred up the grief of losing your husband. If you had no bereavement support at the time, contact Cruse Bereavement Care (cruse.org.uk, 0808 808 1677) and arrange to see one of their counsellors in confidence. If you had no bereavement support at the time, contact Cruse Bereavement Care (cruse.org.uk, 0808 808 1677) and arrange to see one of their counsellors in confidence. Also try to see your friends and have a social life. Don’t stay at home waiting for your man to ring and say he has changed his mind. Also try to see your friends and have a social life. Don’t stay at home waiting for your man to ring and say he has changed his mind. My e-leaflet Mending A Broken Heart will help, too. My e-leaflet Mending A Broken Heart will help, too. CHEATING DAD HAS BEDDED MY GIRL |
1,433,176 | DEAR DEIDRE | I'm having a beautiful love affair with an old friend and am devastated he wants to end it | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1433176/im-having-a-beautiful-love-affair-with-an-old-friend-and-am-devastated-he-wants-to-end-it/ | MY DAD left his email open and I saw that he and my girlfriend have had sex. I am 25, my girlfriend is 23. We have been together for a year but we don’t have sex because I am embarrassed about my body and worry about my lack of experience. She is very experienced. I told my dad what I found and said I didn’t want him to speak to my girlfriend any more. He’s 45. He has cheated before, with a woman across the road, and we had to move house because of it. My mum forgave him and thinks everything is back to normal. I am worried about her reaction so I have not told her anything yet, and I don’t know if I should. I don’t want her hurt again. | Speak to your dad again and stress that he must stay away from your girlfriend or you will tell your mum. Speak to your dad again and stress that he must stay away from your girlfriend or you will tell your mum. Do you feel you could ever trust your girlfriend again? Do you want to try to save your relationship? Do you feel you could ever trust your girlfriend again? Do you want to try to save your relationship? If so, ask her what led to the fling with your dad. If it’s just about sex, my e-leaflet How To Have Great Sex can ease your worries. If so, ask her what led to the fling with your dad. If it’s just about sex, my e-leaflet How To Have Great Sex can ease your worries. We are all learners at first. She can tell you what feels good. We are all learners at first. She can tell you what feels good. HOW CAN HE LEAVE ME AND OUR SON? |
1,433,176 | DEAR DEIDRE | I'm having a beautiful love affair with an old friend and am devastated he wants to end it | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1433176/im-having-a-beautiful-love-affair-with-an-old-friend-and-am-devastated-he-wants-to-end-it/ | I GAVE my partner one chance after another for the sake of our son. Now he is playing happy families with another girl and her two-year-old daughter and sees nothing of his own child, who is the same age. It breaks my heart. I found sexy texts on his phone a month after I’d had our baby boy and I kicked him out, but then thought he deserved another chance to be a dad so took him back. I’m 24 and he’s 26. He was bad. He forced me to perform a sex act on him while I was holding the baby and he videoed it. And when he discovered I was talking to a girlfriend for support, he threatened to kill me. Now he’s gone and wants nothing to do with me or our child. How can he walk away from us like that? | He’s a deeply damaged man and you and your son are almost certainly better off having no contact with him. He’s a deeply damaged man and you and your son are almost certainly better off having no contact with him. If he does change and tries to fight for contact, do all you can to ensure that it’s not unsupervised. If he does change and tries to fight for contact, do all you can to ensure that it’s not unsupervised. He can’t be trusted with a child’s welfare. You can find ongoing support at Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222). He can’t be trusted with a child’s welfare. You can find ongoing support at Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222). If I take a girl back to my flat, I'm a flop in bed |
1,433,176 | DEAR DEIDRE | I'm having a beautiful love affair with an old friend and am devastated he wants to end it | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1433176/im-having-a-beautiful-love-affair-with-an-old-friend-and-am-devastated-he-wants-to-end-it/ | I’VE failed in the bedroom with the last 12 girls I’ve been with – and that’s not right for a lad my age. I’m 22 and I have no problem attracting girls but when I want sex, I can’t keep an erection. If I take a girl back to my flat, I’m a flop in bed. There’s no way she’ll see me again. I’m fit and healthy but I’ve always suffered with anxiety and sometimes depression. Could this be affecting me? I can masturbate normally so why is sex such a big issue? I’m starting to think I should just stay away from relationships because I’ll never keep anyone at this rate. | It’s a common problem. One sexual disaster can knock a guy back and then you’re in a cycle of anxiety about it. It’s a common problem. One sexual disaster can knock a guy back and then you’re in a cycle of anxiety about it. Rather than one-night stands, have a relationship where you can connect with a girl emotionally. Rather than one-night stands, have a relationship where you can connect with a girl emotionally. My e-leaflet on Solving Erection Problems will help. My e-leaflet on Solving Erection Problems will help. She doesn't want him but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either |
1,433,176 | DEAR DEIDRE | I'm having a beautiful love affair with an old friend and am devastated he wants to end it | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1433176/im-having-a-beautiful-love-affair-with-an-old-friend-and-am-devastated-he-wants-to-end-it/ | I CAME across flirty texts on my husband’s phone and alarm bells started to ring. I know he has been having a secret friendship with his ex for several years and I am worried it might have gone further than that. We are in our forties. His ex is a confident, glamorous woman. I knew she would not give him up without a fight. She doesn’t want him but she doesn’t want anyone else to have him either. I have asked him to be open about what is going on, but he insists he should be allowed to have his own friends and I should trust him. But these messages make it impossible. | Tell your husband you are bound to be upset and suspicious if he is secretive about contact with his ex. Tell your husband you are bound to be upset and suspicious if he is secretive about contact with his ex. Tell him you are not coping and that he would not be happy if you were sending flirty messages to a man. Tell him you are not coping and that he would not be happy if you were sending flirty messages to a man. Make it clear he has to stop if he wants to keep you. Make it clear he has to stop if he wants to keep you. |
109,074 | NINE | Gary Neville: Dear Deidre, I am worried my Spanish fling could dump me | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/109074/dear-deidre-i-am-worried-my-spanish-fling-could-dump-me/ | I AM worried my Spanish fling could be about to dump me. I’m a red-blooded Mancunian man and was recently seduced into a move to Spain by a close friend. He is the owner of Valencia football club, and asked me to take on the role of manager and save the side from relegation in La Liga. I was previously working one night a week as a pundit on Sky television, and had great chemistry with one Scouse colleague in particular. And I was happy in Manchester, where I ran a small football team with some pals. But the opportunity to add some Spanish sizzle into my life was too much to resist. Plus my brother was already out there, and I was jealous of his tan. It all started OK. I won a couple of Cup games and even got an old enemy the sack with a draw against the mighty Real Madrid. But it quickly turned sour. I still have not won a game in La Liga. And we were drubbed 7-0 by Barcelona last week. I am determined to turn it around, but I just don’t know how. I have a good group of players, but sometimes I feel like we just don’t understand each other. And if I don’t start winning games soon, I’m worried I could be shown the door. What should I do next? | I FEEL your pain, Gary. It is never nice to be left out on a Lim by a friend. You are also miles from home – and the sanctuary of the Sky studio. Maybe you should try you luck elsewhere closer to home — Salford maybe? Now watch Gary Neville get lost in translation on the touchline during game against Deportivo de La Coruna |
1,164,128 | Dear Deidre | My married work lover has turned into stalker | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1164128/my-married-work-lover-has-turned-into-stalker/ | I’M having an affair with a colleague but he is controlling – and has been married for 25 years and is still with his wife. I’m a 39-year-old single mum with a daughter of nine and have had a series of failed relationships. I met my lover six months ago when I moved into his section at work. He’s 51 and I was immediately drawn to him. I told him I’d developed feelings for him. He said he felt the same but he wouldn’t start an affair, as he and his wife were “best friends”. But out of the blue one day he suggested we go for a drink. I agreed and loved just being with him. Three days later he turned up at my door late at night. He said he had fallen in love with me. We ended up having amazing sex. I couldn’t believe I was in his arms at last. I didn’t feel guilty, as he’d told me he and his wife hadn’t had sex for years. But he then started to become obsessive. He’d linger outside my office at work and call on me at home at weird times, as if to check no one else was there. He told me he was going to tell his wife about us and that, if he was about to throw away 25 years’ marriage, he wanted to know he had total commitment from me. I told him we needed to know each other better before he made such a huge decision. He then accused me of texting other men and being on dating sites. He told me he had seen me out with other men too. I was speechless. He even said that my daughter has told him I’ve been seeing other men. It’s all in his head but he’s made more accusations since. I am devastated. I have told him that I want us to be over — but as soon as he leaves, I can’t help wanting him back. | Maybe his lack of commitment to you – or his wife – makes him paranoid. But this is abuse. He is causing you emotional damage, and the situation is very harmful for your daughter. There is a risk he may turn violent. You may find it hard to protect your feelings but you must protect your daughter. Tell him you must stop seeing one another. Block his number, avoid him at work and ask to be moved if that helps. If he doesn’t back off, contact the National Stalking Helpline (stalkinghelpline.org, 0808 802 0300). My e-leaflet Social Life For Single Parents will also help. |
1,164,128 | Dear Deidre | My married work lover has turned into stalker | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1164128/my-married-work-lover-has-turned-into-stalker/ | I’M a man of 23 and have been having sex with a guy I met in a bar. But he’s married with a child and another on the way. My lover is 35. We first met a year ago. I wasn’t really looking for anything – it just kind of happened as, after a few drinks, I suggested to this guy that we go back to mine. He agreed and we spent a few hours having amazing sex. We’re still seeing one another. I’ve struggled with my sexuality for some time but I have strong feelings for him. He says he feels the same. I know I should stop but I can’t. I feel disgusted. | The problem isn’t your sexuality but that this guy is a married dad. Maybe he is struggling, too, but he’s off-limits. It will help to talk with someone who really understands. Find support through Switchboard LGBT+ Helpline (switchboard.lgbt, 0300 330 0630). He texts girls but wants me |
1,164,128 | Dear Deidre | My married work lover has turned into stalker | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1164128/my-married-work-lover-has-turned-into-stalker/ | MY ex-boyfriend wants us to try again but I keep asking whether a leopard can change its spots? We’re both 24 and had been together for two years but split after I found he’d been sending sexually explicit messages to other girls. I was beginning to pick myself up and had met someone new when my ex messaged me. He keeps asking if we can try again. I am very worried about how my family would react. Is he for real? | I’d be wary, as I think it could be jealousy. Don’t start seeing your ex behind your new guy’s back. If the new relationship doesn’t work out, be firm with your ex that he only gets another chance if he’s prepared to work at wooing you again and rebuilding your trust. My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help. |
1,164,128 | Dear Deidre | My married work lover has turned into stalker | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1164128/my-married-work-lover-has-turned-into-stalker/ | MY girlfriend is either too tired, not in the mood, or worries the neighbours will hear us when it comes to having sex with me. She makes up every excuse. We are both 22 and have been together for almost two years. We work hard and have a good, loving relationship but the sexual side is dead – she seems to have lost her drive. I love this girl and want to marry her, settle down and have a family but going three to four weeks before we have sex again is taking its toll. I am totally fed up and frustrated. What can I do? | Your sex life clearly isn’t working for her in some way. Ask her what lies behind her loss of sex drive. It could be you need to change technique. Kissing and cuddling each other with no pressure to have sex at first is a start. My e-leaflet Has She Gone Off Sex? will help. Teenage trouble |
1,164,128 | Dear Deidre | My married work lover has turned into stalker | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1164128/my-married-work-lover-has-turned-into-stalker/ | MY mum says my boyfriend raped me because he wouldn’t stop having sex when I said he was hurting me. It’s not the first time. I ended our relationship because of how he treated me when we were having sex. Mum said it was rape and that it’s my choice whether I report him for it. I am 17 and my boyfriend is 19. I still love him and he feels the same but my parents don’t want us to be together. What do I do? | If he continued having sex with you when you had asked him to stop, then it was rape. He may say he loves you but he’s not been treating you in a loving way. That is dangerous. I don’t think you should stay with him and I believe he needs to learn that his behaviour is utterly wrong. But you need to decide what’s right for you. Talk to Rape Crisis (0808 802 9999 rapecrisis.org.uk). |
1,164,128 | Dear Deidre | My married work lover has turned into stalker | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1164128/my-married-work-lover-has-turned-into-stalker/ | MY girlfriend has finished with me because she wants to go travelling. I’m trying to hold on to something I can’t have but I’m desperate. I’m 18, she’s 17 and planning to go to uni after a gap year. I thought we were happy and we’d said we’d get jobs in our gap year. She now wants to go travelling with a girl mate and wants to be single. She said she may want to get back together afterwards. I told her it sounds as though she wants to be free to do whatever she chooses while away but without a guilty conscience. | It is clear she doesn’t want to be with you but it isn’t fair to hold out the hope of a potential future. Tell her you can’t be a backstop, accept it is over and consider yourself free to meet someone new. My e-leaflet Moving On will help. Get in touch |
1,154,724 | Dear Deidre | Sex with Miss is definitely A*, but I want more than just no-strings attached fling | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1154724/sex-with-miss-is-definitely-a-but-i-want-more-than-just-no-strings-fling/ | I AM having an affair with one of my former teachers. She just wants us to have no-strings sex at her house but I want to show her off to everyone. It’s driving me crazy. I am an 18-year-old guy and I left school last year as I decided A-levels were not for me. When I was still at school and struggling with the work, I used to stay behind for extra English tuition. I was happy to do that, mainly because I had the hots for my teacher. She is absolutely gorgeous with a sexy body and smile. I knew she was out of bounds so nothing ever happened between us but the chemistry was there and it was obvious she was attracted to me too. She is 29 and single. She would make excuses to chat to me at break and dinner times and we both enjoyed flirting. I am not sure I improved my English that much but I had a great few months before I left school. I hadn’t seen her for more than six months when I bumped into her one evening in the supermarket. We got chatting and the chemistry between us was still there. She invited me back to her place to carry on catching up and have a drink. I was on cloud nine. I am more mature now and we felt to be on a more equal footing. When we got to hers and she took her coat off she was wearing a sexy top and short skirt — so different from the suits she used to wear to school. We had a glass of wine and then started kissing. It led to the most amazing sex ever. We went to bed and had sex again in the morning. Of course I want to continue the relationship but she is adamant it is just a sex-only thing that we have going. It has been two months now and I want her more every day. | You are both adults and you’ve left the school where she teaches but she probably – rightly – worries that some might claim that she groomed you while you were her pupil. That could damage her career and that may be why she isn’t keen to go public on your relationship. But don’t settle for being a secret lover. It’s not a good place to be. At your age you want to be able to shout your romance from the rooftops. Sex may be great right now and keeping you hooked but without any commitment it could soon turn sour. Show your maturity by ending it. It may not be easy but once you are free you need to get on with enjoying your social life. In time you will find someone who is nearer your own age for romance and a relationship. |
1,154,724 | Dear Deidre | Sex with Miss is definitely A*, but I want more than just no-strings attached fling | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1154724/sex-with-miss-is-definitely-a-but-i-want-more-than-just-no-strings-fling/ | I BUMPED into my first love at a party. I danced all night with her and took her back to my flat where we lay in bed holding hands, talking about old times, then falling asleep. Now I can’t get her out of my head and I feel rather silly. I am 28 and last saw her when I was 17. She is 27 now. I want to tell her how I feel about her and how all my old passion came back but maybe it is pointless. We don’t live near each other but I would move to the other side of the world to be with her. Can I still love her after all this time? | Follow it up or you might regret it for ever. Maybe it is just nostalgia but it has to be worth seeing if those feelings really are still there. Suggest meeting again, maybe for a meal. Chat some more. Find out who she is now, and take things one step at a time. Form a proper relationship before you declare everlasting love. |
1,154,724 | Dear Deidre | Sex with Miss is definitely A*, but I want more than just no-strings attached fling | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1154724/sex-with-miss-is-definitely-a-but-i-want-more-than-just-no-strings-fling/ | MY girlfriend is due to have our second child but we’ve never lived together and she claims benefits as a single mum. I’m out of work and not sure what I want to do, so I suggested to my girlfriend that I move in with her and we claim benefits together until I go back to work. She said no because she doesn’t want to rely solely on me for money and worries I’m trying to avoid getting a job. She is 24 and I am 25. Our little boy is two. She says she loves me and wants us to be a proper family but how can we do that when she won’t let me move in with her? | If you’ve only decided you want to move in with your partner and children to be a proper family when you’re out of work and income, I can understand why she’s wary. Your priority should be to find a job and support your family. Once you’re doing that reliably, then she may well reconsider. How can I escape his daily abuse? |
1,154,724 | Dear Deidre | Sex with Miss is definitely A*, but I want more than just no-strings attached fling | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1154724/sex-with-miss-is-definitely-a-but-i-want-more-than-just-no-strings-fling/ | MY husband constantly abuses me and my children but it is verbal, not physical. There are no bruises so there is no help for us. Every day we have to put up with vile comments and put-downs. If he has had a bad day at work, it is our fault. I am 38, he is 36 and our daughters are 11 and 13. The girls and I live on hardly any money. I use my meagre savings to replace their clothes while he goes off on holiday with his mates. I can’t just walk out because the girls don’t want to be alone with their dad. I have no family for support and no money for legal fees. I feel drained and torn apart. | Even without bruises you are in a criminally abusive relationship – and that has now been spelled out in law. Do you think there is any hope he’d change if he realised your marriage was on the line? If so, together see your GP for a referral for anger management. If not, my e-leaflet Abusive Partner? explains the range of support available and please call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247) or see womensaid.org.uk. Meddling mum will ruin our wedding |
1,154,724 | Dear Deidre | Sex with Miss is definitely A*, but I want more than just no-strings attached fling | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1154724/sex-with-miss-is-definitely-a-but-i-want-more-than-just-no-strings-fling/ | I SHOULD be over the moon since my partner proposed on Valentine’s Day but Mum’s interfering is ruining it all. We plan to marry on my 29th birthday next year and had started making arrangements. But she is organising everything without even consulting us. She booked the venue, has chosen the caterer – even the flowers and guest list. I dare not tell my fiancé how far it has gone. He is 30 and adamant he wants just close friends and immediate family – 30 people, say. She has drawn up a guest list of 100. She says she and my dad are footing the bill but we didn’t ask them to. I feel it is our wedding day, not hers, and how we celebrate it should be our choice. | You must find the courage to tell your mum you want your own choice of wedding reception, not hers. If you don’t, your husband-to-be may feel you started the marriage on the wrong foot. Was your mum cheated of the wedding of her dreams? This is your day, so be firm. Ask your fiancé to back you up in person. My e-leaflets Wedding Worries? and Standing Up For Yourself will help. Topic4today ONE in seven couples has problems conceiving. You should ask your GP for a referral if you have been trying for several months. And there are lots of self-help steps you can take. My e-leaflet Want To Have A Baby? explains. Get in touch |
1,169,639 | Dear Deidre | I regret sex with promiscuous pal who went on to sleep with another mate | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1169639/i-regret-sex-with-promiscuous-pal-who-went-on-to-sleep-with-another-mate/ | I HAD sex with my best friend and thought it was going to be the start of something great – but I regret it now. She’s since gone with one of my close mates and brags about how well hung he is. And she seems to go for anything in trousers. I’m a guy of 20, she’s 21 and we were at school together. She’s always been loud but she is fun. I was very fond of her and loved it when she started flirting with me one night. We had really special sex and I thought we were going to start a relationship but, just a couple of weeks later, she hit on my friend. I realised what she was up to and tried to warn him but he took no notice. Now she constantly goes on about him and how big he is. I know she’s also slept with a 15-year-old guy, which shocked me, as it’s illegal. She flashes her boobs in nightclubs, talks dirty and is totally O.T.T. with the flirting. She gives marks out of ten to the guys she’s slept with and boasts about having slept with other girls. She has now started dating a 31-year-old man. Most of our friends are against it. I don’t mind, if they’re happy, but she’s never faithful to him. She’s on the pull whenever she’s out without him. We went out with my male mates recently and two of them went home early because she was hitting on them and being loud, annoying and way too flirtatious. They have since told me they don’t want to see me if she’s around. She even straddled a friend of mine who’s in a wheelchair and he was embarrassed and angry. I still like her but don’t want to get a bad name or get into any trouble because of her reputation. I’ve tried to talk to her but she won’t change. I asked yesterday whether she loved her boyfriend and how she could do what she does behind his back. She just said: “Spare me the lecture.” | She’s a lucky girl to have a sincere friend who cares about her and I hope you’ll be able to get through to her. Get her on her own, when you are both calm and sober, and say you’re worried about her. Tell her she’s a special person and people will like the real her much better than the brash show she puts on. Ask her to think about the risk of sexual infection she is running by sleeping around. Be very clear, too, that she must not have sex with an underage boy again, as it is against the law. Suggest she talks to a counsellor, through The Mix, about why she is into what is really very self-destructive behaviour (themix.org.uk, 0808 808 4994). If she won’t take any notice, don’t risk losing your other friends because of her. My son refuses to see his child |
1,169,639 | Dear Deidre | I regret sex with promiscuous pal who went on to sleep with another mate | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1169639/i-regret-sex-with-promiscuous-pal-who-went-on-to-sleep-with-another-mate/ | MY son’s girlfriend tricked him into thinking she was on the Pill and gave him a daughter he did not want. The tragedy now is that he has a lovely little girl – but won’t be in the same room as her. He was 19 when his ex told him she was pregnant. She was 21. He begged her to have a termination, as by then she had a drink problem and he was not ready to become a dad. She refused. They broke up and she made his life hell for months. Our granddaughter is now three and we adore her. She stays with us at weekends and with her other grand- parents during the week as her mum is no longer around. Our son swore he would never see his child and he’s been true to his word. When we try to talk to him about it he clams up and gets angry. It is such a sad and horrible way for us all to live. | How sad, but he hasn’t yet realised you can’t wish away what you regret in life. Tell him you understand him but his daughter is there, it’s not her fault and he has a valuable role to play. Shutting her out is damaging this little girl. You can all find support through familylives.org.uk, (0808 800 2222). Hard to accept she likes women |
1,169,639 | Dear Deidre | I regret sex with promiscuous pal who went on to sleep with another mate | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1169639/i-regret-sex-with-promiscuous-pal-who-went-on-to-sleep-with-another-mate/ | I’M struggling to come to terms with my daughter being in a lesbian relationship. She is 24 and lives with her mum since we split up ten years ago. I’m 45 and my ex is 46. We are still close and should be together but her family never liked me and caused the split. I love my daughter. She is very beautiful, though she lacks confidence and is very shy and introverted. She has never had a boyfriend. Completely out of the blue, she rang recently and told me she has met a Spanish woman online and they are holidaying together soon. They started out as friends but now are in a relationship and she is happy. Her mother and I have talked but I’ve not had a heart-to-heart with our daughter yet. | Your daughter probably knows your views but feels strongly enough about this woman to want to share her news with you. She deserves to be happy and this relationship is right for her now. Being judgmental could lose your daughter’s trust. Find help from FFLAG – Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gay (fflag.org.uk, 0845 652 0311). |
1,169,639 | Dear Deidre | I regret sex with promiscuous pal who went on to sleep with another mate | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1169639/i-regret-sex-with-promiscuous-pal-who-went-on-to-sleep-with-another-mate/ | MY partner keeps making excuses not to move in with me. We have a great relationship but I am tired of waiting while he drags his feet. I am 41 and he is the same age. I have two teenage sons who get on well with him. He has his own flat and has said throughout the five years we’ve been together that he wants us to live together. But then he makes excuses. Apart from this issue, he is great. He buys me flowers most weeks and is kind and caring. I know there is no one else. I just feel we want different things. Do I cut my losses? | If so much is good about this relationship, be wary of throwing it all away over just this single issue. What you need is to get to the underlying reasons for his reluctance. He may get on with your boys but not want to live with them 24/7. But talk rather than hand out an ultimatum. Great guys are not that easy to find. |
1,169,639 | Dear Deidre | I regret sex with promiscuous pal who went on to sleep with another mate | https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1169639/i-regret-sex-with-promiscuous-pal-who-went-on-to-sleep-with-another-mate/ | I LOVE my girlfriend like crazy but I feel insecure since she told me how many men she’s slept with. I am 21 and we met six months ago. She is lovely – warm, caring and honest – but she’s told me she has been with 30 men. She is only 22. She says her ex was abusive and cheated, which is why she ended up cheating too. But she promises me she will never give me reason to mistrust her, though she does still chat to one guy and has gone for coffee with another. She is the girl of my dreams. I just wish I could be happy and not have these worries. | Neither of you can change her past but she has been clear she slept around because she was so unhappy. Is it that you disapprove? Or that you feel threatened she is more experienced? Ask for a hug if you feel insecure. But if you cannot love her for who she is, she is not the one for you. Get in touch Email me here, private message me on Facebook, or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE). |