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DepressionDetection

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ilearn is down and out great considering final are this week

talking bout depression girl i just got off the pill

i feel like i don t deserve to be happy i have so much in life i ve got to look to look forward too i have loving friend and family a good job a decent living situation and i ve even recently got into a poly relationship with two awesome people but i feel a if i don t deserve any happiness at all it could be that i m dating two guy and my parent are strictly against anything homosexual it could be the fact that i may be addicted to porn or hell it could even be just some other random thing in my life but i just feel like i m happy one day then depressed a hell the next day i don t know what to do who to talk too or how to fix this i don t even know if this is the right subreddit to put this here but i m out of option

i m never enough why do people always leave why do i always scare them away i can t anymore i want everyone to be happy but i cant do it im not enough for them i wish i can make a difference i feel so alone right now i want to disappear

i ve always been scared if the dark it something i can t explain i know there s something there not trying to sound crazy lol everytime i put my phone down to sleep i just get crazy anxiety and start seeing thing sometimes i m going to wake up at pm tomorrow at this rate

i remember back in high school senior year my anxiety wa at it absolute worst it wa difficult for me to make friend so i came home and lost myself in video game to try and forget about how difficult it wa for me to talk to people i had to attend school the next day so i needed some way to cope w the anxiety i d play video game all day and do my work last second i graduated then i took extra time off before heading to college even though i didnt attend h anymore i still had anxiety of having to talk to people when eventually going to college i had issue of self worth i continued to play my video game day in and day out it wa excessive and my family occasionally had outburst theyd say thing like what are you a baby you still like video game grow up keep playing those video game you re never going to amount to anything you re so lazy what s your problem i ve grown out of that phase and my anxiety is more manageable nowadays but looking back i d like to make a point if you know some that is incredibly lazy it may not be by choice their head can feel like a complete mess and they may feel like the only way to cope is by zoning out a much a possible just being alone in a room w my thought made my heart race like crazy and excessive sweating ensued some people just wouldnt understand until it happens to them perhaps some of you do though

hi i wa wondering if anyone ha this happen to them i have have had depression for decade i have good day and bad day no period that last for week or month like i did when i first started having symptom 0 year ago thank god it is mostly occasional bad bout most often i just have a dull low depression that i can dell with using moving muscle using cognitive dispute today i had one of the rare event that i used to get often i wake up early have a cup or two of coffee yet i feel really exhausted i slept fine the night before i end up having breakfast but that exhausted feeling becomes overwhelming and i go back to bet by 9am the entire day consists of me sleeping having lucid bat shit crazy bizarre dream the dream are not nightmare in fact they are rather creative but the local and situation are like the came from somebody imagination in a distant galaxy they would make really interesting sci fi fantasy i also dream about being lonely i have no family few friend one thing i remember wa this gut wrenching sadness about a girl i dated over 0 year ago thought she wa the one but it fell apart after about 0 to hour i get up have something to eat i feel hung over an d it is like a storm passed through my brain spent it s energy and now calm ha returned i wa wondering if anyone else had had similar experience like this it would be concerning if it wa a frequent occurrence which it once wa in the early day of depression again that wa decade ago thanks in advance for any observation or comment peace

hebb i wish i could go to bed

work today

i have never felt this feeling so strongly before like my borrowed time is up and my life is just a whisp away from being gone i feel like it s inevitable and i m almost at peace with it it s time i think and it ha been for so long

ha a hangover

halitosis is also associated with depression and symptom of obsessive compulsive disorder

help i need a new boyfriend i m stuck in a rut

letsinorollz ivy nkk ignore consistent behaviour that spiral her back to depression no guy mental health first idc

alielayus i want to go to promote gear and groove but unfornately no ride there i may b going to the one in anaheim in may though

fuck i can t sleep

already been on ssri s and they didn t do anything i don t desire companionship or want relationship just want to kill the desire entirely

hutsoncap everything alright

this suit me much better than working in a care home and hospital eg i ve had a lot of death and sickness in my life amp i found it fundamentally difficult to manage my depression when facing the end of life and loss of self and huge emotional pain so deeply

friendfeed beta doesn t appear to like my twitter account http ff im y0zm

i m extremely suicidal but i want to live could anyone give me reason to live i don t want to feel this way but i hard not to think about it please anyone

awwh babs you look so sad underneith that shop entrance of quot yesterday s musik quot o i like the look of the new transformer movie

i used to be a swimmer back in elementary 0yrs old it s so quiet underwater and everything feel so light after a year in sport my mom started pressuring me she would compare me a lot to my other teammate and eventually it made me lose my passion for it i tried drowning myself a lot of time and one of my teammate would eventually pull me up i left swimming and suffered half of my junior high life being blamed financially by my mother up to this day i m still afraid of receiving thing because what if they ll blame for losing money for it so instead i would try to get high grade so it ll feel like i deserve it and now i m being pressured a lot again by my family i ll be in college next year and they re expecting me to get into one of those state university i just want to be dissappear at this point

university drain a lot of energy in student damn the level of depression there could make a lot lose weight

so long story short i recently started to become what i think is depressed thing is after the first few day of it being a bit tough i became to find it enjoyable to some extent amp x 00b to put it simply it ha let me achieve something i ve been trying to achieve for a very long time near zero emotion positive or negative but this time it isn t from repressing my emotion i also don t crave nearly a much social interaction a before and i give no shit meaning i wa able to get work done in class i usual hate since i don t hate them anymore the main downside to all this are increased tiredness increased frustration and low motivation low motivation and increased tiredness don t really bother me since i don t get homework and i don t have a job so it s not getting in the way of anything the increased frustration however is a wee bit annoying since i seem to quit my game way more than usual making me lose progress i also know i won t do anything suicidal cause that would violate of my core logical value amp x 00b all in all i rate this experience a 0 it would be an 0 if it weren t for the increased frustration

i have to take my sidekick back

thestar rage i want one too is the branch in midv open too

i had a chick year ago a baby chicken to be exact im in the middle of mental life family probs that time i dont want to talk about it long story short when i wa a split second away from jumping off the chair i heard my chick chirping so loud and i rethought my decision that day my chicken died last year but leaf me some egg now i own a poultry farm dedicated to her name thank you so much chichi

been depressed my whole life it feel like i used to have hope maybe high school wa rough but college will be my time to have fun and be happy then college wa traumatizing but i told myself thing will be better once i get a job and am done with school well guess what the time ha come and working 9 is a hell worse than all the others my whole life ha been miserable and it ha only gotten worse and worse why on earth would i believe thing will get better it ha never happened that s just on a personal level too with everything that s going on in the world environmentally politically even if i wa a mentally happy person who can honestly feel optimistic about the future of humanity after experiencing the past couple year my spirit feel truly crushed in a way i can t even describe even if i heal some of my mental illness what s the point what do i have to look forward to working til i die the thing i d do just to feel happy for one day

still sick feeling a bit better got some new medicine hope i feel good after a night of sleep ohh and it s suppose to snow wtf

good morning hope everyone is feeling better than me this cold ha really got hold now

not sure if this is the right sub to post but wasn t sure where to go really i wouldn t say that i feel anxious but i m what people call a worry wart if there s something i can worry about even if it s maybe very small i will still worry about it i m worried about multiple thing currently my dog leg that s hurting a pain i have in my lower jaw finding a new job etc i will have thought about these sort of thing and on the surface they don t seem like much but then i start to think about them more and more and i start to worry even more until i start getting scared of panicking sometimes like i have had this pain in my jaw for a few day now i m assuming it s because i haven t worn my retainer for the full time i m supposed to the past few night my mind think that but i also start worrying it might be another cavity and i ll have to go to the dentist which is the worst thing for me but then i think hang on i ve gone to them for similar stuff like this before and it wasn t a cavity but what if it is this time you see the problem i m having even though i ll try and think about it logically my brain always make up some sort of way to worry about stuff that might not even need that much thought this is half a rant and half me looking for advice i worry so much in my life and i hate it i know i won t stop worrying but can anyone give me some advice to maybe worry le

is alone downstairs working

donniewahlberg ooh i m excited and not even going be there long love youtube

i reaching help from stranger i really need someone be here for me i cant handle the pressure from depression i really want to suicide please help

sparkly devil hug i m trying really hard to concentrate on the nice dream instead i m sorry you had a bad one too hon

being border restricted victim day by day we getting engulfed in frustration depression suicidal attempt and much more that we can t express in word depression fmwangyisaveindianstudents takeusbacktochina

i fell so fucking in love with my best friend and i m feeling very alone and in a dangerous space rn i normally would say more but i m tired of telling people the same story and just plane exhausted i just want someone to talk to don t have to be therapeutic just a a fellow human

i ve been waking up with anxiety attack every day for the past week it s been a while since my morning anxiety wa this bad i usually get anxious around people or quite randomly throughout the day which i m used to i ve had that since i wa so i can sort of handle that more or le but man the morning anxiety ha me losing my mind i can t function for hour i either lay in bed with racing heart amp thought unable to move or i m the most fuzzy hyperactive person on earth running around doing random stuff just trying to get away from my thought and hoping it ll somehow calm me down i ve tried breathing exercise meditation stretching taking a shower doing stuff to distract me doesn t help much i have to wait til it go away which take around h for me another hour or two until i feel normal again doe anybody have tip please i just wan na be able to manage this until i can get help the worse it get the more scared i get that i ll fail my university class cause i can t get sh t done which in turn make my anxiety worse vicious cycle

i rlly hope someone understands this but i return to school next week and i just had a meeting with my dean and mother and we got onto the subject of grade and he told me and my mum my grade were shocking and that i slack off and when i heard this i literally wanted to cry sure i struggle with math alot and it not my strongest subject but all the other subject i work hard i pull all nighters to get work in on time i ask question in class i get people to read over my work and give me pointer and i have gotten ok grade in most of my subject i never ditch any class and i always listen but my dean wa painting it out to my mum like im some delinquent who is always skipping class and slack off and it really hurt me because i do feel like i really do try my hardest in school idk it really making me start to feel that everyone is out to get me

ellievolia if oooonly we were really so lucky eh and awh definitely too early for work

spring break in plain city it s snowing

like a battery in a remote s back that keep it working i wish i could also remove the battery and just turn off for a while

ate too many oreo yesterday feel very sick today

jonathanrknight i hate the limited letter too hope you and the guy are fine i pray for my dog she s not well

i spent a lot of today thinking about killing myself i made joke about it my friend laughed because i do it all the time but today i really did think about it i miss my ex i want to be happy again but i haven t been able to move past them and i m afraid that i never will if i can t be happy why should i even stay here

i feel there is nobody in my life besides my direct family the last few year have been a process of self isolation and i don t know why up until a few week ago i wa relatively okay i don t know if my medication ha stopped working or if it s just all hitting me at once now but i feel terrible i literally go to coffee shop just for the social interaction with the cash register i need friend but don t know where to find them even though i m comfortable in social situation i ve never been so alone this is a plea anybody whether you are suffering or not please reach out to me if you want to talk about anything

msdrama hey missed ya at the meeting sup mama

my life ha gone way downhill first my best friend leaf without any kind of goodbye then my mother tell me that she doesn t love me after that my ex broke up with me then last sunday she told me not to talk to her again i can t take any of this shit for much longer i really just wished that it wa summer already then i could just kill myself and everyone would forget about me i would do it now if i could but i just think that it might be too close to my breakup and that maybe my ex would think it wa her fault when it isn t i don t really know what else to say my school ha this experience week thing where for a week we just have fun help out our community and don t have to worry about school everyone else in my grade is having fun laughing smiling and shit like that and i m just not i don t see how everyone else can find a way to be happy i see my friend laughing and having fun then they come over to hang out with me and i m just sad i honestly can t wait for the summer then i can fucking kill myself and not have to cry every night to sleep i don t know what help i might want or need but maybe some encouraging word or something might help but anything really would help

stats feed indian doesn t know what is depression we would have been topping the list otherwise

ha finland sleeping for the night not really enough time

look at me and tell me why i shouldn t just end it all today and tonight my girlfriend think i m an ugly waste of oxygen who ha no value it s time for me to die

theekween depression and anxiety thelmasherbs

argh got up early for girl aloud on freshly squeezed and it wa just the video

this way the people clearing out this flat will have le work i dont want to cause more work than nessecary

now i regret ever seeking help the hotline had me wait so long and basically just mirror my word what s the point of looking for help anyway they just add to thing i fail again

i can t stand the constant shitty feeling of depression in my chest head and stomach idk how to put it into word but pretty sure every depressed person know what i mean i can t shake the feeling and everything is starting to get under my skin and send me into such a downwards spiral of overthinking and overanalyzing everything so much to the point that i overanalyze feeling sad in the first place and minimize my own feeling i m not motivated to do anything except sit around like a blob and waste time and space my fiance is a blessing and doe so much to make me feel better but he can t be my savior and it s been so hard just to get through the work day and go through the motion i know it s temporary and will pas cause that s the illness but i feel so awful and helpless rn i forgot what i m supposed to do i hope typing this out will make me feel better thanks so much for reading and have a wonderful night

hello if anyone listens that s okay but it s okay if not i just have to vent because i m so anxious and a little depressed i have anxiety and take medication for it recently i ve been getting interview for job that i am unsure about i m basically just applying to everything i will have a bachelor degree in education but i will not have a teaching license a i have decided i do not want to teach in a classroom student teaching wa not a good experience i have no idea what my purpose in life is i don t have much money but i used a lot of it to buy my girlfriend an engagement ring i love her more than anything i m just so terrified i ll be a failure and won t be able to support her i just want a decent paying job where my anxiety doesn t get in the way i ve gotten some offer but they are all sale position and i just don t want to work for a company that is essentially a revolving door my anxiety lately is crippling me i ate nothing yesterday today is a little better but i don t know what to do with myself i want to cry i m a year old male and i don t care i want to cry and i have i feel so far behind everyone else i just want to be a normal person i m worried my anxiety will cause me to lose everything i love in life my girlfriend is beyond supportive but i know my mental health ha had an impact on her a she is in nursing school idk why i came here i feel alone and isolated and have to vent i feel like i m dying inside im so great when my anxiety isn t there to screw it up it s like i m a shell of my self right now

everyone i have ever met in my life ha told me that i m beautiful some even the most beautiful that they have ever seen all my life i ve expected the rest of the world to bow down before my beauty and tell me that i m beautiful i always rely on that validation and reassurance i keep on waiting for people to tell me that i m beautiful i keep track of who tell me i m beautiful and who hasn t for those who haven t i wonder if they think i m beautiful this happened with my 0 year old same sex female teacher i wa expecting her to tell me that i m beautiful even a she wa rejecting me and i noticed that she didn t tell me what i wanted to hear and just pointed out aspect about my personality i wa cry over it my own thinking ha led to me having many problem in life i lack even the most basic common sense even when something is so obvious like flying to germany and showing up unannounced at the airport asking to be picked up at pm and expecting to free load for two week with relative i haven t seen in year over christmas being invited to a friend s birthday party and not even talking to her and wondering why she became cold to me even at work when toothpick fell i wa picking them up to put them back on the bottle i wa stacking clothes that they kept on falling my coworkers who are younger than me helped me and their mind are more mature than mine when my former professor 0 year my senior told me he loved me and that i wa the most beautiful woman he ha ever met i wa blown away i wa so distracted by him telling me that i wa beautiful that i could not see that he could have been lying i have received a couple of complaint about my personality someone told me yes you are beautiful in look but ugly a hell at heart you are narcissistic and manipulative you surely do act like the world revolves around you another person ha told me you told me that you are when i wa talking to you i felt like i wa talking to a year old you are a very immature woman and you re not that bright either is this why i don t have any friend is there more to life than being beautiful would people find my immaturity to be unattractive

very very busy not getting a chance to twitter a much a before

femibello you think mourinho wasn t depressed with pogba s poor form and later sack and won t he be depressed by his name being linked to pogba by being the cause of his depression it seems mourinho ha no mental health

for awhile i ve been having thought like these i ve spoken to my therapist and i can t really say she s said much i m trying to make it become a bigger topic but these thought seem so weird and i m not sure how to deal with them it s really extreme stuff too i don t see anyone forgetting like i will literally sit there and be like what if i cheated on my boyfriend and just don t remember it you people reading this probably think i m so stupid but it can t just be me

congrats r anxiety we ve all made it to wednesday this is a weekly thread that serf a a place for u to shine some light on what is going well in our life it is easy for mental health subreddits to focus primarily on the negative after all we re not here because everything is going wonderfully but once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of place if you look at it right so whether you made it out of bed today spoke up in a meeting or class rode the bus or just stepped outside please share with u what went well for you in the past week any accomplishment victory positive thought or action no matter how big or small is welcome here

is there anyone i can talk to just for a while

sooo sick of the snow ughh

i graduated in 0 9 and since then i moved back home and have been living in my room aside from going place with my family when they would force me and emotionally manipulate me to go which worsened my mental health my mum keep putting pressure on me to go with her to a spa or something even though i tell her it s not good for my mental health for her to try and manipulate me or guilt trip me to do thing with her when she ha friend and sister she can ask to do that with last year of university during the last semester i became mute and forgot how to talk to people because i wa alone and isolated i m socially awkward shy and my self esteem and confidence are none existent i prefer being alone but don t necessarily enjoy my own company i just prefer it to being around others i wa happy when lockdown happened because it meant everyone wa stuck at home like me and we could all be miserable together summer is coming which is my least favourite season because everyone s out and about laughing and having a good time and i m always home alone i don t want to live this way being all depressed anxious and suicidal i want to live and enjoy my life and remaining 0 i turn in a few month what can i do like what step can i start to take to be more confident self loving and go out more also what sort of thing can i do on my own or to find friend and a boyfriend please don t suggest online dating because for some reason i can t download any of the apps on my phone anymore

too much accumulation of knowledge without execution lead to depression growth forex crypto davido victony fireboy

is losing her hubby for a week tomorrow for work easter and all

the absolute gal of some fucking people i don t know about the rest of you but i post in r suicide and this page to cope with my negative feeling and emotion it ha helped me a lot this past year and it ha helped me be more open about it in general it s good to read other people s experience and know you are not alone and then this person decided to ask to speak with me and then go on to invalidate and minimize my feeling because surprise they have a fucking saviour complex these space are meant for u to express what we can t normally say to the rest of the world and there s nothing wrong with that we are allowed to experience sadness suicidal ideation loneliness if that make you uncomfortable that in you motherfucker don t sit there and tell me you want to help me and hear me but start the conversation off by saying everyone ha stress your only there s option how dare you invalidate my experience because you don t want me to be sad bitch i have a fucking therapist for a reason i come to this platform to here thing like me too or i feel the same way or your not alone not uhh don t be sad cuz i don t like that holy shit doe anyone else relate to this how people just won t let you be sad cuz it make them uncomfortable if your uncomfortable imagine how i feel imma be sad today motherfucker

i feel really lazy it wa embarrassing for me to even have to ask for something but it s been over week and everything got worse idk if i feel any different think now i just have even le energy to do anything my room is disgusting my essay are overdue and i haven t been outside in too long i m way too embarrassed to ever say this to my gp no word of encouragement on reddit will help im afraid but idk what to do anymore it s getting worse and every day i m just procrastinating i m scared of everything catching up but somehow can t do anything about it never felt like this before i almost want to hide away and die not literally just don t know how to overcome this there s not a lot and i have a massive incentive

oslinam lwala la depression hawu

missed the gig

playandstay well i ve actually only been to thorpe park so i m sooo looking forward to alton tower

i m on antipsychotic and they make me sleep for hour i would like to sleep for even longer if possible and no i don t think upping my dose of antipsychotic will make me sleep longer and besides i don t want more side effect

rachaelyamagata you were amazing rach thank you for the music i waited outside but you never showed up there s always the next album

i feel at peace but i can t stop cry i m done with life i will no longer be a noose ance anymore i guess part of me wish someone would stop me still i don t know i m done edit it is now the next day i m still thinking about killing myself but it s way le intense now more of a thought than a plan and intent i don t know it s been rough it s hard to see a way out of it but i know that inaction isn t going to help me get over it man i wish life wa le difficult but it really feel like i m learning everything from the ground up i know for sure that there are many people who are going through similar situation experience a i am but due to the nature of it nobody dare to talk about it i do however think that my experience are universal therefore survivable idk i just wish it didn t have to be that way but i need to accept it

alejandralei i dont think i can cause it my cousin birthday party

so i am currently doing a school project where we have to come up with an empathetic invention that help solve a problem that you or someone you know is going through i struggle with anxiety specifically in social situation where i have to talk to new people my project idea is to create a bracelet with a variety of texture to help soothe provide relief ground someone when they are nervous that is discreet i wa wondering if anyone had any suggestion a to texture that help you calm down when you are nervous fabric thing you fidget with etc thanks

no one will read this but there would be occasion i took benzodiazepine and alcohol together and had no memory for example mg ativan and a beer or beer and three ativan or beer and ativan i haven t done that in awhile issue is i am having extreme anxiety that i have ruined my brain chemical somehow like very bad and now i ve convinced myself i ve ruined my brain and i m going to be anxious forever

so a the title say i m looking to go and see a doctor about my anxiety i ve been to a rehabilitation centre and talked to a few doctor people there i smoke weed for my anxiety and it doesn t help anymore it can t be everywhere and anytime i get a anxiety attack my weed usage ha been extremely high before going to the rehab place and now that i ve brought it completely down i get mad anxiety when i smoke i smoke to stop the anxiety now i just get anxiety from smoking i m not sure that i can go about smoking anymore financially it s not good for me doe anyone have any suggestion on what doctor would be good to talk to when i call to book a appointment

kellymreynolds yep it s been week a lady at our church is watching her

i feel so trapped been through a divorce that s completely breaking me financially i have no friend and i work too much to make them i wa dating a lady fell hard for her and i can t move past her or get over her since we work directly with each other my job is a fairly uncommon one so i don t have much opportunity for another one that s pay a well i m completely stuck and i just want to be done with all of life s bullshit that s all i ever get handed is bullshit

i feel like i ll never get a girlfriend i m i also have a genetics disorder i feel like no woman will ever want me because of it i don t think you can tell i have it but i feel once i tell them that they won t want me i ve been feeling really depressed about it and i m scared to talk to woman so that doesn t help

i just hit something hard i mean i ve been numb before the loss of feeling ha even killed relationship but after the breakup of the best bf i ve ever had numb ha been more common keep in mind it s been abt a week so far well lately with how he s acted and everything and because he even said so i thought we had a chance to work again in the future we broke up because he is suffering mental issue well today he told me he actually lost feeling i also had a small issue with a close friend over lying and smoking and i flipped all my past trauma clicked in right there all the past ex and friend and just people who lied and left me it all hit again which it s crazy to me he triggered it but maybe it s because of the connection i once shared with him but hearing that he lied when he said a couple day before that he still loved me and just wa struggling at the time and all the little flirting and care he s shown feel so contradicting to the point everything clicked off i cried it all out and the emotion wont come back but not even the emotion feel gone i feel like i lost my soul like i wa just blackout drunk my whole life and i just woke up and only recall blurry scene from my life and it s all gone i ve distanced myself from a few close friend and rn only have my bsf and sister im really talking to i cant tell if i fucked up or what but it all is so hazy and confusing i lost whhat im doing and idk what this is or what to do to somehow bend up a better person out of this it s awfully terrifying and it s making me so light headed

frago i hate you i didn t need to see that i need to call my therapist now

so much for my roast tonight still frozen solid

i ve been having this for a few day doe anybody know of this is from anxiety my hearth is normal but i ve been having headache and chest pain too

i m missing my best friend i miss our fun time together i love you guy and i miss you so much

chelserlynn haha it so cooooold in the d and no but you should still go to the show they do some incredible stuff

that depression can sieze today

ahhhhhhh everyones doing laundry except me

mizzzidc the word depression is thrown around a lot on this app honestly you could ve addressed any issue you have with your mom privately know what to post and not now we know how you speak to your mom and how disrespectful you are to her over a pair of sneaker

argh iggy pop swift cover add on spotify way to kill the mood

i m at a very weird place in my life right now i m a year old male in college i m failing my college class a i have no motivation to do well in them i have a very poor relationship with my parent and family the one organization in my college that i m extremely involved with ha cut tie with me over accusation that are not true i have a leadership role in this organization and being a leader in the organization with no prior experience ha brought me a ton of hater and people that just want to see my downfall i literally have no future a i m supposed to graduate this semester and get a job but i am nowhere near both i can t pursue my real passion and to top it all of and what really might put me over the edge is problem with this woman in my life we met through this organization that i wa talking about earlier in this text a a captain i have my own committee of people that i oversee and she wa one of my committee member the first time we hung out in october she took me out to a bar after i turned it wa just me and her we quickly started to develop this really cool friendship where d we hangout and talk almost daily a a young man hopeless in love i started to develop feeling but nothing crazy because i almost always saw her a a best friend first and i m sure she felt the same way then we were at a bar about a month ago she wa talking to some guy at the bar and i wa having a funny conversation with my friend but i could see from the corner of my eye that she wa talking to this man and that s when i first started feeling these feeling of jealousy but i could tell she wa looking at me too talking to my friend and she came to me and we embraced and i hugged her almost all night had my arm around her and everything and she had her hand over mine too and we just kept feeling each other this wa the first time we ever moved into this phase of our friendship and i think we both felt something brewing in our heart for one another a few day went by and i wa out yet again talking to this other chick i met at the bar and we ended up almost hooking up back at my place but i couldn t go through with it because all i could think about wa my best friend who i really liked i m an introvert at heart and will always keep my feeling inside because i m scared to tell people how i feel and i suppress those feeling but literally the next day after this hookup that didn t happen i wa at a friend s st birthday party and got hammered myself and i had this urge of wanting to tell my best friend how i truly felt about her and that s exactly what i did it wa a thursday night she always go to this one specific club on thursday night so i ditched my friend and went to that club to see her and it literally played out like a romantic film she wa the first person i saw when i walked in and went up to her and for the first time in my life i poured my heart out to her and told her how i felt about her and how she make me feel and at first she wa shocked and then she said she felt the same way and we kissed for a long time at this moment i wa on cloud 9 i had never had a girlfriend before had never been in a relationship before but in this moment it wa just me and her against the world and i loved it we started to head back to my apartment but the alcohol wa kicking in for me and i passed out once i got back to my apartment i woke up the next day and saw her heel on the floor but she wa nowhere to be found so i texted her and told her that i wa sorry for passing out from the alcohol but i meant every word i told her last night she didn t text me back till later that day and she said that she wa thinking about it all day and night and she didn t want to fuck up our friendship a it s one of the few good thing in her life right now and i totally get that wa i disappointed hearing this yeah of course i wa but i texted her back saying that we can talk about this in person another time but for right now enjoy your weekend the next day we saw each other at a party and i talked to her outside and told her that i d rather say we tried to make it work and it didn t rather than not giving u a chance at all and she never gave me a clear answer she texted me later that night saying that she needed a break and some time to think so i said okay a few day later we had our last committee meeting and it wa so awkward cause we hadn t talked before and we were on this so called break and after the meeting ended she immediately left even though she usually wait for me i got a text from her later that night around am saying that this letter i wrote for everyone on my committee wa very sweet and cute and i asked her how long this break should last and she said she wasn t sure a she didn t want me to think that she wa leading me on which i thought she wa doing so we hopped on this facetime call and had a really nice long conversation about all the stuff we had to catch up on and then after an hour i switched the topic back to our relationship and she basically said that she didn t feel the same way i wa so hurt when she said this because all the sign pointed to her liking me too and i really felt like i knew what her heart wa saying we both went to sleep cry that night for each other the next day i sent her a text this time saying that i do need some space to figure thing out and we can talk after spring break so for the next week we didn t talk she didn t view my story like any of my social medium post and just simply didn t communicate with each other and it wa one of the worst thing for me to go through a she wa someone i really looked forward to talking to and to not be able to do that just sucked the sunday before we came back to college i texted her and asked if she d be down to hangout that first week we got back and she said she wa down to do so and i wa so happy because it felt like i wa getting my friend back again but then a few day later she angrily text me asking if i told anyone that we hooked up which isn t true and i told her that i didn t which is true there were rumor going around about u from people that saw u hangout a lot that saw u embrace at the bar that saw u kiss at the club and saw u walk back to my apartment together so people could only assume that we were a thing and i kept telling her that but she wasn t having it she facetimed me saying that she regretted ever kissing me she didn t want to be friend anymore and all this shit i wa extremely hurt hearing this and just wanted my friend back and wanted to forget ever opening up my feeling for her so i sent her a really long text explaining that i never said anything that i really cared about her and just wanted my best friend back she responded by saying that she appreciated me reaching out and that she wa over the situation and that she s not ready to move forward with me and doesn t think our friendship will ever be the same so i texted her this morning and i said i get it and if there wa any way we could meet in person and just talk she responded back by saying that she s potentially open to it but not now maybe next week so i said i just genuinely need someone to talk to but i understand her the last text she sent me wa i don t think i can be that person for you anymore i m sorry i am heartbroken devastated and hopeless angry at myself angry at this world and i just want to leave i have no direction in life no one to turn to anymore and i just want to end it all a soon a possible

suck when you know you haven t done anything wrong but it feel like you have

i had hour of sleep and now i cant go back to sleeping im thirsty

these few day my mother ha been telling me how much of a disappointment i am and i totally agree with her i only bring bad energy in the house and i always mess something up for the year i ve been alive i haven t made positive impact on my mother life or society i wan na die

i m starting a new job tomorrow and i m extremely anxious about it i m excited to start this new chapter but i just wish i didn t feel so nauseous right now i ve come really far in overcoming my anxiety but i ve taken everything slowly one baby step at a time this is a huge step the only job i ve had in the past year is instacarting grocery shop amp delivery that i started month ago i did everything at my own pace day a week and maybe a few order a day this job i m starting is hour shift time a week i shouldn t have set myself up for so much but i need to start working towards my career a a dog groomer and this bathing job is an incredible opportunity to do so my living situation is changing soon in that i will need to bring money to the table so i didn t have much of a choice the worst part is i can t actually bathe any dog until i ve learned from the other groomer how to do it which will take time so i worry that the day will go by really slowly because i won t even be doing anything or getting paid until i am ready to start bathing which i don t know how long that will take a friend of mine who work there in the pet store not in the grooming room pulled a lot of string for me with the bos a well my entire family and boyfriend family know i m starting tomorrow and are so happy to see me finally starting to do something meaningful they ve all had a problem with my not working for year because of my anxiety i just feel like not only for my sake but for everyone else s sake i can not screw this up i feel like i m throwing myself into the deep end and hoping i can swim

i ve been suicidal on and off for just over year i ve been in therapy for i ve been on antidepressant for i just got out of the psych ward for the first time and now i m in a stupid zoom partial program i ve been taught countless coping skill and way of managing difficult emotion through cbt dbt act you fucking name it they re suggesting that i go to a residential program for a few week but there s no cure for depression everyone keep talking to me about college but i can barely think a month into the future never mind a year and thinking of the whole rest of my life just stretching out ahead of me just make me exhausted i m expected to keep doing this for like 0 more year at the end of the day i just can t imagine going on like this forever and i know it get better and all that bullshit but i m so sick and tired of waiting for better sure there are better day but that just make it all the more frustrating when the bad one come i m ready for this just to be over

a day negotiating wth insurer after spilling beer on my laptop last night probably to no avail