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offensive-humor

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What do you call two underwear thieves?

A pair of Knickers.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...

Unlike the passengers in his car who were screaming and yelling! http://www.thedailyenglishshow.com/friday-joke/98-how-to-die/

"What kind of house does cheese like to live in?"

"A cottage"

If I ever fire someone who is a Taylor Swift fan

I'll say "I knew you were trouble when you clocked in."

I don't like going to funerals early in the day.

I'm not much of a mourning person.

A priest and a cab driver

A priest and a cab driver went to heaven. The priest was given fifty bags of gold and a nice house. The cab driver was given the same but also a boat, a lake and a box of diamonds. The priest asked St. Peter, "Hey I was a priest, how come I don't get a box of diamonds or a lake or a boat?" St. Peter said, "We go by results. During your sermons people slept, during his cab rides people prayed."

Did you hear Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese?

He's going to make America grate again.

Cogito Ergo Spud.

I think, therefore I yam.

I hear that in Star Wars VIII they're going to introduce Han's perpetually depressed younger brother.

His name is Y Solo.

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.

They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

Why did the redditor go to /r/zelda?

To boost his link karma! (X-post from /r/Jokes)

Someone dropped their Scrabble in the middle of the road...

...that's the word on the street anyway.

What did daddy fish do when mommy fish got herself lost?

...He flounder

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide

Timmy: I'm Hungary...

Mum: Why don't you Czech the fridge? Timmy: OK I'm Russian to the kitchen. Mum: Hmmm... Maybe you'll find some Turkey. Timmy: Yeah, but its all covered in Greece. Yuck! Mum: There is Norway you can eat that. Timmy: I know, I guess I'll just have a can of Chile. Mum: Denmark your name on the can. Timmy: Kenya do it for me? Mum: OK, I'm Ghana do it. Timmy: Thanks, i'm so tired. Iran for an hour today. Mum: It Tokyo long enough. Timmy: Yeah, Israelly hard sometimes...!

The signature dish of a restaurant called the Twisted Rooster:

Möbius Chicken Strips.

One potato asks another:

-"Are you sure we are related?" -"Yes I yam!"

My first job...

My first job out of college was a "diesel fitter" at a pantyhose factory... As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, "Yep, deez'll fit her!"

What do you call a car that eats other cars?

A carnivore.

What did the famous musician say the moment he was born?

*I'LL BE BACH*

Accidental Seafood

I tried dolphin once...but not on porpoise.

Wages

Jim: I just bought a new car. John: What kind is it? Jim: It's a German make. John: What's a German make? Jim: About 100 Euros a day. John: My wife went shopping today. Jim: What did she buy? John: A Grecian urn. Jim: What's a Grecian urn? John: About 50 Euros a day. Jim: My wife went shopping with her. John: What did she buy? Jim: A Peruvian net. John: What's a Peruvian net? Jim: About half what they do in German and Greece.

Why was the egg kicked out of the comedy club?

Because he was telling bad yolks!

What did one slice of bread say to the other at the end of a game of chess?

"It's stale, mate."

Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports?

Because she always ran away from the ball <p> My favorite joke since I was little

I fell off a forty foot ladder today....

lucky I was on the bottom rung.

I personally don't believe in bros before hoes or hoes before hoes..

There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis

Help me figure out this joke

This joke was posted here a while back and I've read it 2 times a day since it was posted and I just don't understand it. It's driving me insane, I can't concentrate on work I just think about it. This is it, please try to help decipher: The key word is failure... Jones came home and found the bucket he had at age thrust upon him. Lolly (wife) hadnt been home in 4 years. Jones is regretting trying to live his life with God in it now. He rebukes his commitment, and throws the bucket into the air. But suddenly, the bucket changed colors: . . . ! It was staring at him, holding money in its raibow mouth. "Rainbow Money Mouth Bucket House 2: Jones' Quam with The Creator." starring Brandi, rated R

Will Smith's website isn't responding. What do you do?

Refresh Prince of Bel Air.

Swimming Cats

There are 2 cats, an English cat and a French cat, in a contest to swim the English Channel. The English cat is called the one two three cat, and the French cat is called the un deux trois cat. who won? The English cat. The un deux trois quatre cinq.

Why did the puppy get away with committing murder?

...He had paws-able deniability.

A bear walks into a bar

The bartender asks what he can have. The bear goes "Can I have a gin?" The bartender goes and grabs a gin and comes back and hands the bear his gin. The bear goes "And tonic." The bartender says "Why such the big pause?" The bear looks down at his paws and says "I don't know" :(

What animal is best at hitting a baseball?

A bat!

Why was the school grey?

Because it was a Greyed School. I woke up with this joke in my head this morning. I think my brain is trying to kill me with horrible puns.

why didn't the bicycle cross the road?

because it was two-tired.

What did the cow say to the bull that got in its way?

Mooooooooove.

what do you call a vampire that sucks mucus instead of blood?

nose-feratu!

The three unwritten rules of /r/cleanjokes are:

1. 2. 3.

Why there should be a February 30th

So dentists can have a day to celebrate

What do you call a dinosaur FBI agent?

A pteredacted.

A priest was in the middle of a battlefield...

Trying to spread the word of God to not fight, call for peace, et cetera. Some nearby soldiers suddenly handcuffed him and brought him to a courthouse. He was charged with War Propheteering.

What did Captain Ahab say when he harpooned a whale's tail fin on the first try?

"Well that was a fluke."

Prom joke

So, there was a boy in high school, and there was a girl he really, really liked, and prom was coming up, but he was bashful. Eventually, he worked up the nerve to ask her out. The girl says yes, and the boy is over the moon. He's got to get everything ready first though. He needs a tux, to rent a limo, and to get her a corsage. The prom isn't far away, so the boy starts working on getting everything ready. First he goes out to rent a tux, and when he gets there, there's a line at the tux shop. So he stands in the tux line, and finally gets up there to pick out the perfect tux. Next, a limo. So, he heads to the limo rental place in town, when he gets there, there's another line. So he stands in the limo line, and finally gets up there to rent a limo. All that's left is to get her a corsage, so he heads to the florist. When he gets there... wouldn't you know it, another line. So the boy stands in the florist line... finally he gets up to pick out the perfect corsage. The big day finally arrives, and the boy gets ready. He's got his tux on, the corsage ready to go, and the limo standing by to pick them up. So, he goes to her place to pick her up, and she is stunningly beautiful. She loves the corsage, and can't wait to go to the prom. They ride off in the limo, talking and laughing on the way. They finally arrive at the prom, and ... can you believe it? There's a line to get in the prom. So they stand in the prom line, talking with their friends, having fun. They finally make it in, and the music is going, the lights are flashing, and they start dancing and having a blast. A few dances in, the girl starts to look a little uncomfortable, and the boy asks what's wrong. The girl says, "Not much, but I am a little thirsty. I'd love some punch." So the boy looks over at the punch bowl... And there was... No...

I'm getting mighty fed up with these sheep-human hybrids!

What is with ewe people!?

What do you cal a bear with extreme mood swings?

A bi-polar bear.

What did the beaver say when water ruined his plans

Damn

What name is given to the most chickens ?

pEGGy

Just wrote a book on reverse psychology...

Don't read it!

Patricia and the Frog

Patricia Black is a loan officer at a small, local bank. One day, she comes in to work, sits at her desk, and looks over her messages... ...when up to her desk comes hopping a frog, holding a little bag. "Good Morning," says Patty. "Can I help you?" "I hope so," says the frog. "The bigger banks have refused my loan application. See, I have a plan for a business, but not enough capital. So I could use a loan, to get things off the ground." Ms Black, being a kind soul, decides to help the frog. "Well," she says, "do you have any collateral?" "Only this." The frog opens up his bag and takes out a little porcelain figurine. "It's an antique, rare Hummel that I inherited from my grandmother. I think it has some value." Patty looks at the figurine, and asks if she can show it to her manager. The frog agrees. So she goes to her boss' office, holding the figurine. The boss looks up from his work and says, "What do you need, Patricia?" "Well..." she explains about the frog, his business plan, and the antique. "I'm not sure what to make of this. What do you think about it, Mister Woods?" The boss takes the figurine, turns it over a few times, then hands it back to her and says: "It's a knicknack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan!"

A penguin walks into a bar...

He goes up to the barman and says, "Have you seen my father in here today?" The barman says, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend. [X Post from r/Fantasy]

They're both cauldron.

Why don't Bond villains feel cold in the winter?

Because they dress in lairs.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheburg.

Bridge Out?

Driving down a country road, I ignored a bright "Bridge Out Ahead" sign and continued on. A minute later I found myself facing a road completely barricaded, so I turned around and retraced my route. That's when I saw a sign on the back of the first sign that said... "It was, wasn't it?"

What has six eyes but cannot see?

Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded and kids that need a bath

How do you make a computer your best friend?

You buy it a nice bunch of software and get it loaded!

Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken Sedan.

I once ate a watch.

It was time consuming, I didn't go back for seconds.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate?

Because of the silent P.

What do you do with epileptic lettuce?

You make a seizure salad!

Why didn't Silento knock before coming inside?

Because you already know who it's isss! My little sister told me this joke.

what happens if you drink 3.14 liters of water?

you will Pi ss

What do you call shaving a crazy sheep?

Shear madness.

Where do literal dogs live?

On the roof.

Why did Trump insist on Hillary Clinton as Secretary of state?

He doesn't believe women should get above secretary

When Captain Picard's sewing machine broke he brought it to the repairman and said...

"make it sew."

The joke of 2016

Trump

Two fish were in a tank

one asked, "How do we drive this thing"

Why did the rope get put in timeout?

Because he was very knotty.

Two potatos are in a bar. How can you tell which ones the prostitute

The one with the sticker saying Idaho

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out.

What a waste of thyme.

Have you heard about the Black Magic book for orphans?

It's called the necro**mom**icon

A few amoosing cow jokes

How does a cow become invisible? Through camooflage Why are theaters popular among cows? They enjoy watching moovies What do you call a cow who plays an instrument? A moosician That is all; Hope these put you in a good mooood.

What do you call an Egyptian doctor who works on peoples backs?

A Cairopractor!

Want to hear a joke about a crappy restaurant?

Nevermind, I'm afraid it may be in poor taste.

Why doesn't the Sun go to college?

Because he has a million of degrees.

Why should you leery of stairs?

Because they are always up to something.

Who was the most important Knight of the Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

Words can't possibly describe how beautiful you are...

But numbers can 4/10

Why was the chicken kicked out of class?

For using *fowl* language.

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables?

You better not try to start anything.

Why are cats bad storytellers?

Because they only have one *tale*

Mary had a little lamb.

She's not a vegan anymore.

Why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks?

Because they are a little meteor

First post and an original

How much does a Chinese elephant weigh? .................. Wonton

Why cant college students take exams at the zoo?

Too many cheetahs

What is black, white, and red all over?

A Communist Propaganda film from the 1930s.

Why was the burrito embarrassed?

It saw the salad dressing.

2 guys are going Moose hunting in Canada

And they hire a hydro-plane to take them out there. When they get there they pilot tells them "Okay, be back here same time next week and I'll pick you up" The guys say okay and go about their trip. The week rolls around and the guys are back at the dock to meet the plane. Now both guys were really lucky and had each killed a moose, when the pilot sees this he says "Hey guys, I can't fit that all on the plane, we won't make it off the water!" The guys look at each other and shrug saying "Well the last guy said that, but he took us." The pilot looks at his plane and the load again and begrudgingly says "Allright". They barely get off the water and barely miss the trees when WHAM! Right in the side of the mountain. The guys are laying out in the dirt and one sys to the other. "Hey Jake, where are we?" Jake looks around for a bit and says "Oh, 'bout a half a mile further than we were last time"

How does a fish always know how much they weigh?

Because they have their own scales!

What happens if socialism comes to the Sahara?

Old Soviet-era joke told in Russia: What happens if socialism comes to the Sahara? Nothing at first, but then the sand shortages will start.

I thought about starting a business selling halos...

...but the cost of overheads was too high.

Why did the mortgage broker go out of business?

...because he lost interest.

was going to make a joke about science

but I know for I wont get a reaction...

Why doesn't the sun need to go to University?

He's too bright.

A classic: what do you call somebody with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

Did you hear about the fight in the candy store?

Two suckers got licked

Is your refrigerator running?

Well, you better get glasses, and stop doing drugs

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Why are bears so hairy ?

They don't have salons in the jungle !