Datasets:

shuttie

/

dadjokes

like 6

I asked my priest how he gets holy water

He said it’s just regular water, he just boils the hell out of it

Life Hack: If you play My Chemical Romance loud enough in your yard

your grass will cut itself

OMG. SISTERS. JAMES. CHARLES. IS. DOING. A

GIVEAWAY his career

Why did Mr. Potato Head get pulled over

He was baked

On zombie cravings. My kids and i had some fun with these on a car trip this past weekend. What do zombie plumbers crave. Draaaaains. What do zombie pilots crave. Planes. Plaaaanes. What do zombie conductors crave. Traaaains. What do zombie opthalmologists crave. Fraaames. What do zombie construction workers crave. Craaanes. What do zombie nurses crave. Paaains. What do vampires crave

Blood

My wife is really mad at the fact that. I have no sense of direction. So

I packed up my stuff and right

My dad made a joke in court. In court he had to prove that he had a relationship with his father by answering some questions about him. He was asked how his dad liked to have his pie. He replied with well with fork or spoon I would think

The judge laughed

Back when. I was in a band. I had a roadie that was from. Poland. I also had a

Czech one too, czech one too

How did the Mexican John Wick taste his Burrito

He took Juan Lick

My wife said, “Why do you always insist on walking ahead of the rest of us. ” I said, “Sorry

I don’t follow

What do you call it when a pig loses its memory

Hamnesia

I was reading a book on the History of Glue earlier

I couldn't put it down

My slow cooker. (x post /r/funny) http://i. imgur. com/osGKwl5

jpg

My GFs Dad commented on my Facebook Pic http://imgur

com/sTv7AMC

How did the programmer get high

By doing lines of code

Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle. Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question

dogs can't whistle

Why are feet so great

Because they are living legends

What did the black duck call the white ducks

Quackas

Little did. Trump know before he became

President... .

Learn from your parents mistakes

Use birth control

We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit

I guess the pervert thinks of them as sex cymbals

What goes 99 bonk

A centipede with a wooden leg

I was starting to get concerned that my pony was having trouble neighing. Then

I realized it’s probably because he’s just a little horse

If money doesn't grow on trees

then why do banks have branches

I showed. Reddit to my gf, now she hangs here all day long

I kinda regreddit...

The other day I was second guessing my decision to book time to visit a Native American community

It was a reservation reservation reservation

Do you know where I store all these dad jokes

In my dadabase

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a turban made out of paper towels. Bartender: What the hell

Pirate: Arrr, there is a Bounty on me head

Grandpa hit me with this one while we were hoeing around some trees. We were cutting out some weeds and the handle of his favorite hoe broke in two pieces. He said Oh man that was my favorite hoe. At least I've still got your grandmother

Good one grandpa

To the person who stole my glasses. Remember,

I have contacts

Why do you measure a snake in inches

Because they don’t have any feet

Last night I dreamt that I was a muffler on a car

Woke up exhausted

And everybody's invited. Taking a shit. Daughter and dog come storming through the door and want to hang out in the bathroom. Mom asks what's going on

It's a real shit show in here

“I’ll call you later. ” “Please don’t do that

I’ve always asked you to call me Dad

Yesterday. I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. My doctor says. I'm okay, but. I feel like

I've dyed a little inside.

I had a job interview at the zoo yesterday They didn't hire me

They said I was underkoalafied

I got some good tips on how to spice my roast chicken I guess you could say it was

sage advice

What do kids learn at pirate school

The three arrrs

If he doesn't appreciate your fruit jokes

You need to let that mango

Remember when air at the gas station used to be free. Now it costs 25 cents, 50 cents, I've even seen a dollar at one place. You know why they started charging for it

Inflation

I had a joke about alzheimers. But

I forgot the punchline

I had a dream I was a car

I woke up exhausted

Everytime we are at a restaurant. Waiter/waitress: sir how would you like your (eggs, burger, ect). Dad: orally please

Still cracks me up every time

Heh. http://i. imgur. com/PB7NuVc

jpg

How do you comfort a frightened grammar nazi

There there, they're there

Dad joked by a girl graduating to become a labor and delivery nurse

Her graduation cap read: L&D nurse, at your cervix

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side. I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me

And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them

My daughter had asked me what a Steakhouse was . My response was Of course, it's a house made of steaks. Except the floor of course. That's made of ground beef

Heard the wife's eyes roll from across the room

How do you know if there's ducks in your roof

There's quacks in the ceiling

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator in three steps. Open the refrigerator door 2. Put the elephant in 3

Close the refrigerator door

My grandfather sat me down for a talk. He put his hand on my shoulder and solemnly said, Guess who's back. Who

Yours

What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass

Lawn-Forcement

Whats the best thing about free wigs

You don't have toupee for them

The furniture store won’t stop calling me

All I wanted was one night stand

How bad does my kids want to watch Shaun the Sheep

Really Ba-a-a-a-a-ad

The bartender said We don't serve time travelers here

A time traveler walks into a bar

Me: Did you hear Reese ‘whats-her-name’ stabbed somebody. Kids: Witherspoon

Me: No, with a knife

How do you find Will Smith in the snow

You look for fresh prints

What do you call Dracula with hayfever

The pollen count

How do you catch a mag fish

With a magnet

A pun walks into a room and kills ten people

Pun in, ten dead

I went golfing and I brought two pairs of socks

In case I get a hole in one

I sat at the park for 3 hours today just staring at a frog

It was ribbiting

You know what’s odd

Every other number

This hipster got upset when his man bun was cut off

He really lost his cool

What kinds of bird never has babies

A swallow

Got dad joked hard while shopping yesterday My dad and I go up to the cash register at a clothing store to pay for some shorts. My dad asks the cashier Do you take chips

(Credit card chip readers) Without hesitation the cashier goes Yes sir and we have salsa to go with that and holds up a fresh jar of salsa from behind the register

A man with 2 left feet walks into a shoe store and asks

Do you sell flip flips

What’s a communist’s favorite unit of time

Hours

My girlfriend makes costumes for my university's drama department. One day I asked her. Is something wrong

You seamstressed

Where can you read about planets exploding

In the orbituaries

What do you call the first Hawaiian in space

A Coconaut

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road

It got stuck in a crack

My doctors name is Peter Parker

But I just call him Web MD

A fruit fly lands on my iPhone. I shoo it away and it keeps coming back. Me: this fruit fly won't leave my phone alone. It keeps coming back

Boyfriend: Well, it is an apple

When my family went to France I made sure we avoided the Eiffel tower because I was afraid it would suck our blood

It is a Paris site

What do you call a fake noodle

An impasta

Don't spell part backwards

It's a trap

My dad just dropped this on my sister. Sister:. Dammit my computer keeps freezing. Dad: put a little sweater on it. Then her and

I let out groans

I was running a bath the other day and had to pop to the kitchen quickly, my gf shouted after me: Don't leave the bath running

I shouted back at her: Don't worry; it won't get very far

How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

Don't throw sodium chloride at people

That's a salt

When the nurses ask me how tall. I am. I tell them 5’10. I used to be taller but

I got married and settled down.

What's a dog's least favorite Christmas song

Fleas Navidad

What does a Norse god do when they don’t want to attract attention

They stay low key (Loki)

One of us is possessed by an owl Son: who

Me: found it

My biology teacher asked What's heavier, the Indian or African elephant

I said The elephant obviously

My friend glued both his hands to his pistols. Everyone told him it was a bad idea, but he insisted they were all wrong

He's sticking to his guns

I was playing Trivia Crack, and I (jokingly) asked out loud which state Philadelphia is in

My dad said decay

What do you call a dog with no legs

Doesn’t matter, he won’t come when he’s called anyway

Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head. When

I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.

I admit to everyone on here that. I have a masterbation addiction

It’s cumpulsive

Customer at work paid with $100 bill and ask for his change in smaller bills

Sorry sir, all the bills are the same size

One of my kitchen gadgets is randomly playing classical music. I think it’s the

Chopin board.

Customer contemplates buying a cord and then says: Don't know if it'll work but might as well take a shot

Lincoln did

Conjunctivitis

com Now that's a site for sore eyes

What do your call a campground you just drove by

Past tents

How did the hot dog ask out his crush

He mustard up the courage

Why was Yoda afraid of seven

Because six, seven eight

What is a birds favourite port on the back of a TV

AV in