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A grizzly kept talking to me
He was unbearable
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I rubbed mayonnaise on my eyes
Oh fuck oh shit it hurts please help this is no joke it pains fuck help me already
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What do you say to encourage an asteroid?
Go little rockstar.
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They always ask me why my mood is always negative
Just multiply by -1 😉
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Recently I started working with horses
It's a stable job.
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My favorite word is "drool"
Just rolls off the tongue.
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Where’s a dogs favorite place to eat
At Woofle House
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Why don't oysters share their pearls?
They're shellfish 🐚😂!
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What do you call two guys hanging out above a window?
Kurt & Rod
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Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present!
So where's my present?!
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What is a visit to the dad joke factory called?
Sighseeing
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Did you hear about the mentally unstable train conductor they arrested down in Mexico?
He was a serial killer with Loco-motives.
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What would you call a diving dog?
Scuba-doo.
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I run Denmark's premier safari clothing destination.
You could say I dress the Danes down in Africa.
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If a friend comes clean about their STD
Be sure to clap for them.
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What do you call a sword wielding platypus?
Parry the platypus
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A friend of mine collects blunt pencils,
personally I find his hobby a bit pointless.
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What did the first ant say to the second ant after he farted
It's not me, it's *deodorant*.
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What time did Sean Connery normally make it to Wimbledon?
Tennish
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Tell your young children that you bought them edible toilet paper. This way it will wipe their butt for them whenever they poop. I told this to my kids years ago when we
They thought it
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Someone threw a bunch of herbs in my face
Now I’m parsley sighted.
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How do you make the number one disappear?
Just add a g and it's gone.
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What do you say when a Mexican is in bed?
Taco-Stado
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Christmas present
So now I look forward to get the other sock next time.
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Why did the old man fall in the well
Because he couldn't see that well.
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Where do shoes talk while they wait for trains?
At the Converse station!
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Why do astranomers are bad at eye contact
They tend to stare into space.
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How did the farmer find his wife?
He tractor down
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What do you call a person who repeatedly farts?
A BadAss
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Why didn't the apostles chase Jesus after their argument?
Anytime you crossed him, he would come back 3 days later
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My son’s fourth birthday was today, but when he came to see me I didn’t recognize him at first.
I’d never seen him be 4.
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Convertibles are the most cold-hearted and merciless of cars
They're roofless!
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Nasa wants you to find water on Mars.
say no more
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Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Because they’re all dead.
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As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?"
Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't. "I continued... "Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
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What did Sherlock Holmes say when he found some cheese at a murder scene
It's emmental, dear Watson.
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There was this poor clinic for amputees. They didn’t have enough prosthetic limbs to go around.
So they resorted to arms trading
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Did you hear about the woman in Brazil who was wrongly convicted of having an abortion?
It was a miscarriage of justice
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Been a few years, my kid and I are catching up
he hasnt learned to hold the glove the other way yet.
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My stainless steel started rusting
It must've been a carbon copy
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When did the polish man wake up?
At the Kraków dawn
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What do conspiracists and Excel have in common?
They spreadsheet
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Why was the last season of The Office less popular
The cast was Carellless
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I went to a bookstore and asked where the self-help section was
The clerk said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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I had such high hopes for the New Year.
Until I realized 2022 is pronounced just like 2020 too.
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I just like surprising people.
I just like surprising people.
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How to be a great Dad! Check below for my 4 Keys to Success.
S U C E
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What is the name of the boy band made up of converted jews
Boys to Mensch. Oy vey
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I was really disappointed when I saw my Mom's sister orgasm
Such an Anticlimax
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Why are cannibals so popular?
People are really into them.
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Did you hear about the wizard that died of thirst?
He'd had a dry spell.
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How do cats communicate online?
They send each other e-meows.
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I told my kids my super-hero name would be: Mr. Pee Pee
because, if you see me, urine trouble!
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What did the banana say before it dived into the lake?
I think I'll peel first.
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What would you get if you crossed a small bear and a cow Winnie the Moo
Winnie the Moo!
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I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
Now she’s back at AA.
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People often ask me how is it like working as an elevator operator
It has its ups and downs.
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What did the football say to the player?
I get a kick out of you.
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Have you guys heard of lemon demon
All of his songs are great but "two trucks" is a banger
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Did you hear about the artists that got into a fight
It ended in a draw.
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Where did George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies
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What do I know about dwarfs?
Very little.
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My parents were dwarfs.
For years they struggled to put food on the table.
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I asked my friend if he liked Nickleback
He told me that he never gave me any money.
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Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome
It had a bad start, but by the end I really liked it.
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Does anyone want to buy this tube of Polos I've kept from 1972?
It's a bit stale.
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Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
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How do you get a country girl to like you?
Attract her.
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Why would a snake lose in a shootout?
Because they're unarmed
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Why do flamingos lift one leg?
If they lifted both, they'd fall.
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Why is Christmas just like another day at the office
Because you do all the work and some fat guy in suit a gets all the credit!!
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I was gonna write a joke about drills
But it's pretty boring
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What's the loudest kind of chair?
A Rockin’ chair!
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A little-known fact: Che Guevara decided for a while in the year of 1962 to give up the communist cause in Cuba and start a career instead in music.
Reporter: So what kind of music will you be playing, Sir?
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I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and laugh.
My humor is so ironic that I find myself funny.
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Why was my sushi buzzing?
It wasabi
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Why did the alcoholic marry the ghost?
For the Boos
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Will things be good or bad in 3,028 years?
It’s 5050
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*Poo-Ping* Was a Chinese Man.
He was always a little crappy at kung fu.
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How do you make an adorable pickle?
You use a cute-cumber!
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My WIFI password
Giveme50bucks
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What do you call a duck that‘s addicted
A quackhead
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What do you get when you mix Cerave in a bowl with a fork?
Scramble Eczema Lotion
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How do Auto Body repairmen prefer their pasta cooked?
All Denty
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When one door closes, another one opens
Other than that, it’s a pretty good car.
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I use the word Mucho around my Spanish friends
It means a lot to them
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Why are coal miners so happy?
They mine their own business.
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What’s another name for a dozen donuts blessed by a priest
Holy Bread
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Here’s a joke my dad always used to play on me
Why did he always have to ruin the fun?
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I used to work for a knife manufacturing company
There was never a dull moment... But eventually I was cut
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My 5th grader’s joke today: Two friends walked into a store
Because H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide!
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Did I tell you about my friend with a boat making business in his attic?
Sails are through the roof!
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This year my resolution is to become an expert in both cattle roping and iambic pentameter.
I'm hoping to become a Poet Lariat.
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I like my kids and dad jokes just as I like my movies.
Not spoiled.
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Did you hear of the Librarian who became sick reading a book?
She became **ILL-**literate.
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For some reason i always think there is only 25 letters in the alphabet
...i never know y?
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What's the difference between a goldfish and a clownfish?
The other fish doesn't wear makeup
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Have you heard about the tapeworm epidemic going on in France?
awful lot of Paris sights
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Did you hear Bill Gates lost a dance contest to Al Gore?
He didn’t have the Al Gore Rhythm
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What do 16yr old Sasquatches give you when you try and ask them a sensible question?
A whole lotta Squatch-sass.
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