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i need to stop attaching self worth to my birthday today is my birthday, and every year i do this incredibly toxic thing where the only thing i ever expect is for people to remember and wish me. i know it’s toxic but when people don’t in my head im like “was i not a good enough person this year?” because i associate being wished with how much impact i had on their life. it especially stings that my best friend since second grade, 10 years of friendship, didn’t wish me until reminded. i didn’t wanna call attention to myself, but it kinda sucks when other people with my birthday post pictures of their friends wishes and get gifts and whatever. anyway, this year sucks. this sucks. turning 18 like this sucks. but it’s life. i hope all of you are safe, happy and getting healthier.

anyone else feel like their life is going in a loop? it's like every day goes the exact same

there's only one reason i haven't killed myself yet, and it's not a very good one. (cw: rape)when i was 17, i was raped. he was my boyfriend at the time. he'd done something, asked if it was ok if he slept with someone else on his upcoming 18th birthday, or something like that, and it had disgusted me. i didn't want to have sex with him that night, but "no" was not an answer he liked to hear. previously, when i'd said "no", he just got me drunk, but that night he just kept pushing and pushing until i gave in, because i felt like i had to. i had a history of being abused before that. my family was not a good one. he knew this. he had also systematically isolated me from all of my friends. he knew there was nobody else in my life, and he knew that gave him power. i cried the whole way through, and even though he didn't "finish", because "it really started feeling like i was raping you, and i'm not a rapist", that didn't erase the previous... fifteen or so minutes, if i remember correctly. he didn't stop for me. he stopped for his own self-image. to this day, he is the only person i have had sex with, willingly or otherwise, and that's the only reason i haven't killed myself yet. i don't want to die knowing he was the only person ever to have fucked me, it feels like he's winning. especially since it's been over half a decade since it happened, and i've still not been able to be with someone else. i feel like that's slowly becoming less and less of a concern though. nobody would want me now anyway. i have no life in me, there's nothing about me that would attract another person. i recently realised, after spending several months without any of my friends contacting me, that i could literally have already been rotting and nobody would have noticed. i don't know why i've not done it. maybe i'm scared of the pain of failure.

is mild self harm really that bad? i have noticed when i’m stressed or anxious i normally don’t want to kill myself as much as the feeling of just knowing i could and i resort to normally taking 5-6 extra pills or very mild cutting and if it makes me feel better and doesn’t actually hurt me is it okay? what bad things could come of this?

are you an earthquake? cause you rock my world.

should i study for my math quiz or try to unlock the payday 2 secret ending

i have a controversial opinion. the normalization of pre marital s\*x and m\*st\*rb\*tion has led to the social degeneracy of society.

i feel like life is just too much.sorry if this post comes across as a bit incoherent and whiny. i just need to get some things off my chest, and somebody just to listen. i feel like if i told people in 'real life' they'd just scoff at me and call me whiny. and i know that my problems are nowhere near as bad as other people's, but it's all subjective, right? i'm a final year at university, and i'm due to get a 2:2 (i live in the uk) which is a degree classification that isn't bad, but isn't particularly good either. it's very average and, because of this, i have reason to believe that it's not going to be particularly helpful in finding me a job. a job that i want anyway. i'm deathly scared of getting trapped in a job i hate, and not being able to get a job i want (even though i don't actually know what i to do). of course this isn't the only reason i feel depressed. i've suffered from ocd and anxiety for years and its whittled me down until, last year, i realised i was pretty depressed, started cutting myself and thinking about committing suicide. but, as a person who is already pretty depressed, getting a very average degree and ending up in a sub-par job will be like the nail in the coffin. i'm terrified that when i get out there in the real world, it'll all be too overwhelming and not what i expected. you see, as a young kid i was continuously reassured by my parents: 'don't worry, you'll grow up to get an amazing job, and the world will be your oyster.' on the one hand this was good, positive. i grew up safe and happy and mostly ignorant to the horrors of the world. on the other hand, as i've come to the tail-end of my degree, i've realised the world isn't my oyster, and i can't do anything i want. life is not rosy and happy like i thought it was when i was a kid. and that hits you hard. to have your lovely little belief system ripped out from below your feet, it's heart wrenching. everything i thought would happen to me as an adult hasn't happened. i keep feeling like i'd rather die sooner rather than later, so more of my expectations don't get ripped to shreds. i just feel so...dissatisfied. it's a really vague feeling, but it's always there at the back of my mind. just this feeling that everything is so unsatisfactory, always there, in everything i do. nothing seems to get rid of it. on top of that, i suffered from severe ocd and, for almost three years (due to intrusive thoughts) was convinced i was a paedophile (another story). i came to despise myself. really truly hate myself. it made me feel inhuman. like i was a robot. these days my ocd has got a lot better (the occasional bad day here and there), but i feel the effect of those three years on my back every day. i don't care about myself much; i let my grades slip, don't feed myself, don't ever give myself a break. i'm an emotional wreck. i'm up and down all the time. one minute i'm at one with the world, the next i hate everything and everyone and just want to be put down. i treat my poor partner like shit half the time: i hate him one minute and then love him the next minute. i feel sorry for myself sometimes, and then other times scold myself. i know that i need to grow up and get a grip, but i feel sort of emotionally stunted. like i have the emotional range of a toddler. i don't feel like i really know who i am either. my job aspirations change every other week, and i still don't feel like i'm a real person half the time. basically, i feel very messed up, and the thing is: nobody knows. people just assume i'm a lazy student. and i feel like i can't tell them the truth because they'll either laugh at me or feel disturbed. jesus, sorry for the ramble. and i'm sorry if i come across as whiny and a bit pathetic and full of self-pity. the truth is, i am all of those things.

motivational quotes day 11 nothing in life comes easy so why do you expect something out of a quote?

just got accepted into a university, this is a "poggers" moment this is awesome, it's the course and uni i wanted, and even better, i didn't even do well in my hsc, so today is a good day filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler

anyone got any good discord servers i need people to talk too and all of my servers are dead

is a sad time for me bruh i just squirted ketchup on my nuggies without shaking the bottle first. it looks like the red sea

remember kids middle eastern governments oppressed women, not islam

to all my bi homies out there ayo i kinda think im bi but i cant really put my finger on it, how did yall figure it out

i think i'm ready.hey everyone, it's 3am and at this point i don't know how long i've been crying but that's not what this is about. i think i'm finally ready to end it all. i don't have anyone anymore, my family completely blocked me out, i have no parents and my "friends" barely talk to me. i haven't talked to anyone, really had a conversation with anyone for years. no one cares. they really fucking don't, i knew that all along but still it hurts. everyone who does talk to me only talks about themselves and about all their problems but as soon as i mention anything about mine, i get stonewalled and no response but then they'll message or call me about something that's happened to them after. i try so hard to be friendly to everyone and to be there for people, i don't expect the majority of people to return any kindness, but the fact that my own "friends" do this to me and they are all i have, then what's the point? i'm just so tired of arguing with myself. im so tired of putting on a smile and if im not smiling or acting sweet and friendly to everyone or even just defend myself, people lose their shit and become all offended and whatnot. and...i'm just tired of the world we live in. i'm not sure when, or where but i know i'm ready.

need some helptoday was my 18th birthday. i spent it with my family and youth group. i really had a pretty good day. when i was driving home from church, i suddenly almost decided to drive into the other lane. i had to talk myself out of it and i started to cry. i'm on medication. i've had suicidal thoughts before but always without intent. i'm very scared and hurting. my next appt with my therapist isn't for a few weeks but i texted her asking if she had anything sooner. any advice is greatly appreciated.

what should i do? i have this physics assignment and it’s so difficult and i can’t focus and it’s almost 2am. should i do it now or wake up early and do it? i’m scared i’ll oversleep tho hahah

fuck thisi'm falling deeper and deeper. i am about to give up my desperate search for any feeling of joy or brightnessfalse or notto light up my dull everyday schedule. every person in my life likes me for someone i am not. i've been posing to be filled with confidence, charisma, and people skills. but when i'm alone and i take the mask off, i hate myself more than everyone surrounding me should. i feel as though i am being slowly eaten alive from the inside, and theres nothing i can do to change myself. my true self. i hate it. i hate what i've become. i don't want to carry on. i don't know what to do.

my profile picture is so hawt i know you agree with me

just told my mom that i'm pretty sure i am depressed..i walked into her room, said "i think i have depression", then immediately broke into tears. she hugged me and comforted me saying she will do anything to help me, she will find me someone to talk to, and that i can always talk to her about anything. i love my mom so much she is one of the only people that actually can make me happy. just thought i'd share

just a loser writing some shit, sry for wasting your time if you read this fullyi often wonder how good it'll be if i was not born at all. or how good it'll be if i could just die today or if i don't wake up tomorrow. i often fantasize about me killing myself and it feels honestly good. like won't i have to die someday right why suffer till then. why wait to eat your food until it's noon just eat it whenever you feel like it, or whenever you want it why wait and suffer. but i guess a pussy like me can't decide when i can i guess. i honestly hate this survival of the fittest game that we play. but hating it won't change anything, writing about it won't change anything. i know. but the crazy things is we're often ignorant, we don't care about other people unless they have something to do with us. i guess it's just who we are but i wish someone would find like an cheap and an painless way to die. like how abt a pill if you swallow it you won't feel anything and you'll be dead just like that. i bet that person will become a millionaire in a few weeks

i wish someone would spend time with mei wish someone would see movies with me, go to concerts with me, go to the beach with me, talk to me all night, let me vent to them, etc. i wish someone would give me a hug.

i'm sorry. i just wanted to say this somewhere. it's okay to ignore it.no throwaway. i don't really have a reason to use this account again. just once, i want to be able to put all of this into words, but i've been staring at the screen for twenty minutes. i don't think i can. i am 27. i still haven't finished undergrad. i've never had a real job. i have no skills, no accomplishments, and nothing to be proud of. i'm spending so much money, but i'm not even majoring in anything that will help me make a decent living. ten years ago, i was young. i was accepted into the school of my dreams. young. i thought i would be just fine. i am not going to be fine. mental illness was an excuse. i still had choices. i still could have done something with myself. or, at least, i could have ended it, before it got to this. i don't know how to become a functional adult. it's like trying to speak some sort of language i never learned. i don't want to hurt the people i love. i love my family. i love my best friend. i love my boyfriend, very much. i was never sure how i got to be so lucky. just hearing his voice every night has always felt like some sort of incomprehensible miracle. if i could have pulled it together, i would have done my best to take care of them and make them happy. but i'm making them miserable. i don't want to do that anymore. i never wanted to be a burden on anyone. i'm really sorry. good night, world. i wanted to know all about you. i wish i could have learned to speak your language.

so yesterday, during zoom class, my english teacher asked us what a “tradition” was and i gotta say, i really enjoyed watching a bunch of people temporarily double over when i said “peer pressure from dead people”

i’m such a fucking disappointing fuck upi just impulse quit my job. i’m sad about it. they liked me. i should’ve done it. it was the first time in a long time i felt like i had purpose. now that’s gone again. i just saw the joker with some friends but apparently i agreed to see it with my boyfriend first. i’ve been too out of it to really retain any information so i guess i didnt remember but now he’s pissed at me. hes really all that’s keeping me here. idk what i’d do if he left. he’s so mad. i should just fucking do it. he’ll find someone so much better than me. i’m such a fucking failure of a human. waste of fucking oxygen.

progress!hello everyone! first post in this sub! today i feel like i had an important breakthrough/epiphany, and thought those of you who suffer from low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness might gain something from my ramblings. writing this out will probably help me more than you, but i wanted to share. for the first time in my life, i am starting to realize a few things. people don't actually care if you are ugly, super awkward, unintelligent, goofy, weird, or anything else like that. maybe it helps a tiny bit to be suave, but it is miniscule in comparison to things like having genuine interest in others, or being a caring and honest person. and none of those negative awkward traits has the power to affect your self worth if you don't want them too (and you shouldn't, because that sucks). if you met someone more awkward or ugly than you, would you consider them less of a person? or someone more attractive and smooth, would you consider them more of a person? so why should you judge yourself so harshly?! perhaps it will help motivate you to improve? it does the opposite. thinking you are awkward is a self fulfilling prophecy. being afraid of judgment just makes you more closed off to people, afraid to be honest about yourself. people sense that you are being closed off, causing them to close too. this obviously impedes progress of relationships with people. if i accept my negative traits, and become totally ok with them, they will actually become things people like me for! things people find endearing!(that blew my mind) the nature of love is loving people for their flaws, not despite them. could you imagine an old loving couple. lets say the man has a huge nose. the man asks his wife if he should get plastic surgery to make his nose look normal. which do you think would happen? a.the wife says, "yes thank god, i cant stand that thing another instant." b. the wife says, "if it makes you happy, but know that i love you just the way you are and wouldn't change a thing." the correct answer is clearly b., b. would happen. it's not the traits themselves that people are repelled from, its the sense of shame we have about them! that's what people don't like! if we accepted our flaws, others would too. if people get to know me, they will probably like me! suck on that, my brain! tl:dr i am a worthwhile person no matter how not suave i am! some traits like awkwardness or goofiness become endearing and likeable as soon as you accept them and stop being ashamed of them! editformatting

to the girls saying kill all men i wish you guys would hurry and do it already 😔

guys i finally did it!!! no not get a girlfriend....i already have one lol ​ i had chocolate for the first time in years!!!! :o ​ ngl tastes good & weird....i think it's cuz it has sugar owo but idk lol i don't like chocolate maybe that's why i stopped eating years ago (2-3 years). a secret: >!my unknown secret lies in worthy hands, and never been told <3!<

my life is shit..i have been depressed for like a half a year.. im ashamed of myself and my family.. my mom's brother took advantage of me when i was young (made me suck his and he sucked mine) and i am ashamed of it.. yesterday my older brother admitted to killing 3 people when he was my age (one was for self-defence and the other two was done as a revenge because they stabbed and cut his back with knives) although in the morning he said that it was some bullshit he made up because we both were drunk but honestly im not sure wether or not he was telling the truth and got scared as he saw that i got a little spooked about it.. my mom was depressed my whole childhood and once i was with her in a car and she was screaming at me that she will kill us both via car accident.. my dad despises me because im a bit reckless (adhd) and he has verbally abused to this day and physically when i was younger.. my other brother is an alcoholic "writer" with signs of schizophrenia (delusions etc.) i think he has quit drinking but now is abusing benzos.. my whole family is despicable and i hate and feel ashamed of them. i started cutting myself while back because my dad threw me out and told my boss that im not a reliable person to do my job and i couldnt come to work there anymore and told my stepmom that im aggressive he propably left out the part where he yelled at me "hit me you coward! hit me! ive taken beatings in my life one more doesnt hurt!" (i think he was trying to manipulate me to hit him do he can have a excuse to throw his "violen"t son out) i didnt hit him although i kinda wish i did cus i know i could kick his ass.. im not great either.. ive had troubles with drugs (weed mostly) and alcohol and with my family history of mental illness it is like playing genetic russian roulette (especially with weed). after a summer of constant toking i got really anxious and since then ive had thede feelings of fuckness. fuck my life i wish i could fucking killmyself but i cant because there is people who love me... ps. english is not my native language so pardon me (finland, 17yrs old male)

parents told me to kill myself.i'm 16 (turning 17 on august 20th) and recently my mom lost about 160 dollars out of her wallet. my dad is a scum bag and loves to take advantage of my mom. not only that, he blames everything on me and my mom loves to chime on in. if money goes missing it's my fault, food goes missing it's my fault even though i barley eat due to my depression and my dad weighs 270+ pounds and that's not muscle that's pure fat. since my birthday is coming soon my friends decided to buy me some space dandy stuff from amazon because they know how much i love that show. i told my mom how excited i was about the gifts coming my way through the mail and she looked at me with a face of disgust. to be honest that was typical but i shrugged it off and wanted to be happy that my birthday was coming up. yesterday my friend told me that she got an email, it was from amazon, saying that the shirt that she had ordered for me arrived and i should go pick it up. i was ecstatic at this point, so i rushed down stairs to the concierge (i live in a small apartment) to pick it up. they told me they didn't get anything from the ups guy. at this point i was kind of bummed out. i really wanted to both see and wear that shirt but whatever, i went back upstairs and took a nap. it was around 5 pm that my mom came home from work and told me that i had a package. you see, the ups guy comes around 2pm latest 3pm so the concierge basically lied to me. back to my mom, she read the bag and then tore it open. i told her that was for me and she shouldn't open my stuff. she then proceeded to tell me that she told the concierge downstairs not to give me the packages that were for me until she got home to get them herself and open them. i told her that, that was invading my privacy and that she should stop. and of course she told me the whole "i'm older than you and i am your mother so fuck off" kind of thing. after that whole ordeal i took to instagram to tell people what was going on (note that i didn't tag her nor my dad) and how i felt uncomfortable her opening my packages that my friends bought for me and how she thinks that i took her money to buy myself those things even though i don't have a debit card/credit card etc. about five minutes later my mom comments and said "sweetie @(myaccount) if you don't like it then its time to save money and move out." and people went ham on her. saying that this is how kids are lead astray she shouldn't do that and how she's a shitty parent and how i'm turning into an adult soon and blah blah blah you get the point. today, i go to my ged classes and i get a text from my dad saying "i'm going to give you 5 minutes for you to take that bullshit down or your going to lose your phone" i proceeded to tell him that, that was my account and i could do what i please with it (note that he follows my account and every time when i block him he complains and acts like the victim) but then i eventually took the post down. he then called me to tell me that he didn't care about me and he hopes that i kill myself but not inside the house because since i love attention so much i should just go do it outside the house and the house would smell like shit because i was there and if i did survive it or didn't do it to get the fuck out of his house. i'm currently home crying my eyes out and holding a full bottle of my antidepressants in my hand. i started cutting once again after five months of not doing it. i think i'm actually going to end it this time.. __________________________________________________________________________________________ update 1: -- i got kicked out of the house. i would call the cops but to be honest i would rather live in a tent than going back to that place that damages my both mental and physical health. thank you all for the support. it might not seem that way but thank you all. although my suicidal thought lingers in my head i thank you all. none of my friends would let me stay with them because of their parents but i'm still trying to find a place to stay. i'll keep you updated. (written from the ged computer lab) __________________________________________________________________________________________ update 2: -- my parents called me and told me that if i didn't come back home they would both disconnect my phone and kill my pet snake leo. so, sadly i'm going back home to these fucks even though they kicked me out. suicidal thoughts are coming back. (written from my phone) __________________________________________________________________________________________ update 3: -- hey everyone. i'm currently at my friends house typing this. i was recently baker acted friday and got out today (monday at 5:00 pm) for trying to kill myself. my parents don't care as usual. so i'm running away. i honestly can't keep living in that household anymore. the mental and verbal abuse is awful. i'm either going to live at my friends house or just going to live in a fucking tent. (written from my friends computer)

just got dumped, lost the only good thing in my life.i'm 19/m, and a couple weeks ago my girlfriend left me. we had been together for five years. i even proposed to her two months ago, bought her a nice ring, and she said yes. she seemed ecstatic. but a couple days after she changed her mind saying we should wait a bit longer. that sucked, but she gave some good reasons. then, seemingly out of nowhere, she dumped me. saying things weren't working, that we're incompatible, etc. she didn't even want to be friends anymore. she wanted to have a final goodbye and then stop talking altogether. i said my goodbyes to her, and that honestly was the hardest thing i've ever done in my life. she's been my whole world. my best friend, my lover, my gaming buddy even. i've done everything with her. we've spent so much time together that we had no time for other friendships. we didn't need anyone else. i don't even know how to make friends anymore; i've forgotten how. we have talked a bit since then. she seemed really sad and bummed out for a while. she'd call me crying, or she'd come over and tell me she still loves me and she'd want to have sex, which made me really confused, but hopeful that things would turn around and we'd get back together. afterwards she'd regret doing that and leave. i don't know what to think guys. i try to occupy myself, but i find myself checking my texts all the time to see if she's texted me, or i wake up and try to call her like i usually do in the morning. i can't now since she's changed her number and i'm not a stalker or anything crazy like that. i've left her alone, please don't take any of that the wrong way. i've respected her space and her decision. it's usually her who texts me every couple days, which isn't much compared to how we used to talk. for five years we did not miss a single day of communication. which is why i'm still finding this hard to believe. part of me isn't even believing this is happening. now, i just feel.. empty. i don't know who i am without her. who am i as a person. well, what do i do for fun? well, i play games with her or we hang out and watch movies or just talk. can't do that anymore. who's my friend? her. don't have a friend anymore. no one to talk to. so what do i do now? when i'm not working i browse reddit, and sometimes play video games by myself, which isn't even fun because it all just reminds me of her. during that time i'm checking skype to see if she's sent me anything or if she's online. i don't know what to fucking do or how to cope. i cry and i'm just a fucking wreck all day. all i can think of is how i'd have done things differently, i think of every stupid mistake i made and i feel like shit because i feel like it's too late to redeem myself. and, what future do i have? even if i do recover emotionally, how do i move on? how would i begin to forge new relationships? i don't know how. i'm a bit awkward meeting new people. extremely awkward actually. was never awkward with her, i knew her well. i guess now in hindsight i realize i've pretty much placed all of my hopes and dreams on her, and to an extent i believe she did too. but it's too late now and my life is fucked because of it. if i asked myself whether i could get anywhere in life after all of this, my answer would have to be no. all i see is a failure and a shut-in, with no friends and no future. i just had to get that off my chest, thank you to anyone who actually read all of that. i'm not the best writer.

the bite of 87 meme is the only meme that makes me laugh lmao my humour is so broken istg

what kind of mental health professional should i see?i'm pretty depressed. the cliff notes version is that i'm a semi-forever alone (i did have my first relationship last year at 25, but it's over), i'm directionless, body image issues, self esteem problems, no friends, no job/career, sexual orientation confusion, basically i'm just stuck in every way a person can be stuck. if you want to reddit stalk me this in my alt account where i complain about how depressed i am and ponder/complain about my homosexuality. i want to talk to someone that's not my mom or my one friend about it. i guess i have a couple of choicescounselors, psychologists, psychiatrist, or my general doctor. on the one hand i sort of want to work out my problems and on the other hand it would be so nice if a pill made them go away. i tried a little self medication, taking vyvanse (ritalin). i wasn't abusing it. i was just taking a regular once a day in the morning dose, for about three weeks. i know it's not for depression, but it made me feel so much better for the first week or two. it felt as if i had been drinking coffee all day and i was able to actually get things done and it made me more sociable. i wanted to go out and do stuff. however around the third week the positive mental effects started to taper off and i was having some cardiovascular side effects like not being able to get an erection and feeling winded even when resting. so i stopped it. taking vyvanse made me feel like bradley cooper in limitless, at least for the first week or two. so i guess my questions for /r/depression: should i goto a psychologist/counselor to talk it out or cbt? should i goto a psychiatrist to get an anti depressant? should i goto my general doctor and attempt to get a stimulant? are there people that specialize in sort of gay issues or sexuality? where is a good place to look for a psychologist/counselor/psychiatrist?

do you think my mother would accept my death by suicide?i'm not sure if this is the right place to ask something like this. when i asked my mother about this she obviously said that she doesn't want me to die and that she would be sad if i did, but i don't think that she would be honest to me about this anyways. and judging from her behaviour, i think that she would be more or less okay with me killing myself. i guess i would kill myself even if she would be devastated because of it, but it would still be a relief to know that it wouldn't be all that bad for her. when i was eightteen years old she found the equipment that i was going to use to kill myself in my room, and she said to me that because i'm an adult i can do whatever i want and that if i really want to do it, she can do nothing to stop me (technically not true, she could have me involuntarily admitted even as an adult), and that was all she said about it. i understood this as her basically allowing me to kill myself. when i asked her later about it, she said she was just stating facts and didn't mean anything by it. maybe i'm misinterpreting things, i don't even know what she could have done that would have made me think that she really cares about me. if she meant nothing by it then why would she say it? this was the most obvious one but there were other occasions where i felt like she accepts my "choice" to kill myself. like one time i orderes scalpels online to cut myself and possibly kill myself, and when they arrived she opened the package and decided to give them to me even though she knew what they were for. what do you think? i know you guys can't tell for sure what my mother really thinks about this. i think that if asked her about this, she would lie and tell me she cares about me blah blah even if it weren't actually true. what could i do to make her be more honest with me? maybe i could tell her that i would feel better if i knew that she could accept my death and that i'm going to kill myself no matter what she does anyways, but that would probably place too much of a burden on her. idk.

tough anniversary comingmom died 11/16/1998. i was 18. it has been 18 years since then. i'm days away from the point in my life where i will have lived more without her than with her. i'm 36. the same age she was when they diagnosed her. my partner has a business trip. i will be alone. i scheduled friend visits. i'm rational now, and yet my brain is casually suggesting ways to die. it's ok; i can ignore. but when alone on the day... or when my mind insists on examining death closely... it is difficult to communicate. i feel so far from people. if rational self didn't pre-empt irrational self with suicidewatch team, i would not know how to tell anyone there was an emergency. i'm scared.

daily “i’ll pay any girls £20 if they’ll let me take a nap with my head on their lap” post i’m getting dangerously affection deprived he’ll

you could have been all i wanted, but you weren't honest now get in the ground you choked off the surest of favors but if you really loved me you would have endured my world

i made a subreddit i made a subreddit!!! it’s called r/dumbconspiracytheorys i’m so exited first community i’ve created!!!!!!!!

racism is back look at the reddit icon on your homescreen, what do you think about that, more riots?

planned datei’m excited now. on my 18th birthday i am going to kill myself at school in the bathroom stall i always eat lunch in. i have like 10 months til then but i don’t know if i can last that long. it’s funny, the school found out about this and the only reason they could think of for me not to do it is “someone could be traumatized seeing that” lol. unless it’s a teacher or custodian, i really don’t care if someone is traumatized seeing it.

should i get an oculus quest 2 or a nintendo switch? so i've been saving up for a switch for some time, but then the quest 2 released, and it's the exact price of a switch. now i'm extremely torn. which should i get?

did they find out that im a pedo?😳 i woke up to that red sign on my profile. tell me what that is pls, im scared. . . . filler ig

you are coolhere we are

i want to diei have been looking into suicide for months now, and i think today is the day that i actually do it. i've been reading on some things. i just can't tale the pain anymore. my kids hate me my family hates me. i have no support i just want to die

felt like my world is crushed into pieces2 weeks ago, the love of my life broke up with me. he just out of nowhere blurted out the words "i feel like our relationship has grown apart" and as soon as i saw those words, i knew it was over. i went home right away and left my mom at the salon, but called my dad to pick her up, so i can talk to him. part of me wished he was just kidding, but he said he was serious. my life just shattered to pieces. he is my life, my love, my everything. i have tried to forget what i feel for him, tried to move on, but whether i am away from him or right there with him, all i do is love him even more. i don't know what do, and can't imagine my life without him. we were also engaged. we've been together for 6 years and promised to be together through thick and thin. we've been through a lot together and i feel like everything is just a blur to me. i am so depressed that i can't even sleep at night and there were times that i have considered ending my life, since it is useless now without him. i want him back in my life so bad, it hurts. i feel like my heart wants to explode sometimes just thinking about how much i love and miss him.

if the people i follow posted on their profiles more, i’d like my homepage more than this sub you people are so interesting

this brings me joy://matias.ma/nsfw/

i just can't take it anymore.... you say bobux and no body cares anymore...... it's like the world has gone crazy, but if you say mega fart booksub 3000 gtx everyone want to kiss and hug you? i just can't explain.....

my mom is about to kill mewhere should i escape???

someone talk to me 16 m if you're bored dm or pm me i don't mind either

quick question if i created a sub for you to spam memes would you. join?

how do awards work? filler filler filler filler filler filler filler

i had a girl ask me for my snapchat it was because were in the same group for an english project but-

some kid knows my ip address i'll explain this best i can, in greentext format >be me >7th grade >be in this class that assists in math >only be in there if you failed the math test at the end of the year prior >have one kid in that class >become good friends >ffw to 8th grade >friend starts saying he can hack people >dont believe him >he tells me to give him my insta >do that >him and his cousin put me in group chat >they begin threatning me >explain how they have my home address as well >saying how i'll be murdered or raped (im a dude) >kinda fear for family >they slow down my internet for a good week >forget about it >ffw to present day >they have slowed down my ps4 speed for a solid month >laptop works, phone works, ps4 is the only thing being slow >not too concerned for family, more concerned for ps4. cant play games no more >i have no online classes with him or any form of contact >dont know his home address >he probably doesnt even go to my hs what do?

the last nice place on the internet, place give me hope...*please the internet is a cruel scary place.. the rest of the world isn't far behind. i don't have hope anymore. i've lost motivation to follow my dreams because of everything. i just need someone to at least pretend to care. thank you.

just a quick idea imagine reddit added a karma shop

imagine sleeping cringe, couldn't be me \*visible sleep deprivation\*

you know what i did today i ate an entire large pizza, sliders, a pound of pasta, and a couple burgers. still kinda hungry

day 3 of posting interesting songs on here. eminemgodzilla 2! [aj aj aj aj aj aj aj aj aj aj aj aj aj aj aj aj aj aj aj aj a](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsuath_nc2u)j filler and woomy.

hopelessi feel hopeless. i get ignored all day, get called annoying, am useless, and just am an overall loser. i don't serve a purpose in this world. "oh, but you're still young." it doesn't help when you feel hopeless at thirteen either. life just gets harder. i didn't intend to be a burden, but that's all i am to my friends. i'm probably not going to kill myself tonight, but sure wish that i would accidentally happen to die...

a friendly reminder of things you should probably be cleaning at least once a month... 1. all of your linens: sheets, pillowcase(s), blankets, comforters, quilts etc. just take a day yall, just a few hours and it will be as good as new. i would say stuffed animals too but i know i have some with sentimental value that i just cant bring myself to throw in the washing machine lol. 2. your water bottle/ coffee cup: i shouldn't need to explain this, especially in these covid times. make sure you clean the part where your mouth goes and the straw on the inside if your cup has it 3. your bath towel and washcloth(s): again, ur gross, clean ya damn towels the same day you clean your linens. same wash cycle (unless you are washing colors with whites, don't do that) 4. your room: doesn't even have to be a deep clean, but choose one thing to do at least. vaccum, dust, take your dishes out of your room, organize, do laundry etc. just try ok i promise you will feel better if you do. 5. yourself: i understand mental illness, but please take care of yourself and your personal hygiene too. take a nice bath, brush your hair, drink some water, eat, brush your teeth and be nice to yourself. i don't even know if anyone will read all of that, but if ya did i hope you have a great rest of your night/ day :)

u/comrade-d0ggo: how the otter put this person in an endless circle it all started when u/comrade-d0ggo decided to share the otter with a 2 million community of teenagers. little did they know, it was only beginning to what would happen next. the awards are constantly flooding, and this account’s reddit premium weeks is slowly creeping farther away from today. every comment requesting more otter only results on more otter films, and the cycle repeats itself. there is no escape, the otter cult has been spreading all across the subreddit, slowly but surely becoming the biggest trend on this platform. the memes, the fanarts, this was a result of one short clip. our fellow redditor is suffering from a disease, known as success.

almost went through with it.recently i found out allot of things. they pretty much hit me all at once. i found out the for the first time in our 4 year relationship, my wife cheated on me. out of spit and because i partly pushed her away by acussing her of cheating because of my panic attacks and paranoia of ever losing her. it wasn't anything that i can't get over as it wasn't serious. they never physically met or talked over the phone. it was just a bit of texting and snapchatting in a way that no just friends would. but, like i said it's nothing i couldn't get over. i am 20 yro male with depression, axiety, bpd, and add symptoms of cognitive distortion. my wife is 19 and has axiety which she doesn't take her meds anymore. and anger issues. and we have a 3yro daughter. i found out my wife has been texting this person on monday and i couldn't control myself and almost broke my hand by punching a wood chair that was close to me about 6 or 7 times. i didn't want to cut myself anymore or kill myself even though i threatened it. i found out when my wife was gone and wasn't going to be back for a few more days. in those short days until the last one i was going crazy. i wasn't able to sleep or eat and since a month ago i have gone from 181 to 169. on the say my wife came back i was so excited to see her. and didn't want to know a whole lot. i just wanted to talk a little bit and that is what we did. i felt a lot better and today we had a night out planned for dinner. it didn't go so well because of not feeling like she wanted to eat. she has low self esteem like me so it's hard to feel good and go out to eat. we came back and talked more and she told me that she didn't think it could work out because of how guilty she is and how much she doesn't deserve me. and she has felt like she doesn't deserve me even before she did this. and how many times i explained that i deserve a chance to work with her on it she didn't think it was best to waste my time anymore. when we got to the end of talking and feeling like tonight will be the last night of my life because i can't live without waking up to my wife and daughter everyday; she said to give her the night to think about it. she is so upset of how she has treated me and how good i have treated her that she wants me to be with someone who deserves me. i cannot live without her in my life. i have expressed that countless times and after sitting outside i asked her to come outside and we talked some more. she agreed to see a marriage counselor with me and to work on our relationship after this 5hr conversation today. i am happy that there is hope. i love her more than anyone could love a person. i love her more than my own life. i would sacrifice myself in a heartbeat for her. i just needed to vent a little. thanks

03 gang rise upima mf adult this year god i hate adulting already

do any of y’all have tips for going to sleep? lately i have been struggling a lot to go to sleep because of stress with school and also for some reason my brain thinks it’s a good idea to make me sad as soon as i hit the pillow. i haven’t slept properly for 4 days and i’m starting to get darks circles because of it. i need help. edit: and don’t say “just close your eyes” “or just go to sleep” the reason i made this post is because any time i try to go to bed i get sad or i just have nightmares. seems like my brain is always finding a reason for me to not sleep properly.

what according to you is the most attractive thing in a person? :3 we all have different preferences so it might vary greatly depending from person to person. let me know!! :)

one question, why do people act like it ever gets better?it won't. i have been bipolar as fuck for 6-7 years now and nothing fixes it. it just gets worse and worse until i die. but to be fair i do deserve it. i am definitely a piece of shit who should kill himself, so it isn't really a bad thing. it just sucks you know? it would've been so much better if i wasn't born in the first place but unfortunately for everyone here i am. and it's soooooo selfish of me for killing myself if i decided to do it right? because it's not like i have thought of anyone else but myself right? that's why i want to kill myself right? because i'm a selfish bastard. sorry for posting this, i just wanted to get my thoughts out. don't waste your time trying to help me, it won't work. sorry for being born.

guys i’m sorry i kept bugging you about valerie and lab rats i just wanted to make you happy. i know how much you like lab rats so i made you a sequel but i know i went to far and i am sorry here you go

i’m like a credit card i’m either being used or denied

really considering suicidei just thoguht my life was turning, that i would get away from all the bullying that has followed me up until like 2-3 years ago, but it i've became bullied again and i think it's time for me to go. i've been feeling down for weeks now, i've felt kind of down since 2012 but it's only been a week where i've felt down usually, but now it has been weeks and i can't stop thinking about suicide. i'm turning 18 in 4 weeks and i've accepted that i'm not gonna experience my 18th birthday and i know i'm gonna die alone and nobody will ever love me. i don't even know why i'm writing this, maybe because i'm drunk but who knows.

giving away silver. ginmie gud memes/jokes and you might get my silver if you're funny.

todaytoday marks one year since someone very close to me took his own life away. i hadn't been best buds nor have i ever actually hung out with him outside of school but we did talk every now and then and every second of it was filled with laughs. every time i'd see his smile, it would make my day. this kid would honestly light up a whole room with his happiness. it's so messed up how someone so happy, could actually be so sad inside. we all have our demons. some people have ones bigger than others. some may even get help with theirs. but letting it take over is never an option. no person should take their life. please anyone out there who is going through anything similar, taking your life won't solve anything. the impact, the sadness, the pain. it's like a curse. just trying to run away from it by taking your life just leaves it behind to torture the people you love and the people that love you. instead try to help others and to try to get help for yourself. i miss you bud. every day i think about you and how much you've changed my life. thank you for everything.

here is how much 1 viral post can bost your internet points before today i had 666 karma and 3 followers now i have 7.3k+ karma and 60+ followers

i'm tired of being suicidal and so is everyone in my lifeit's just never ending. even when everything is okay, i still feel like killing myself. i'm tired. and my best friend is tired of it, i can tell. i asked him to come over tonight because i was afraid i'd actually do it, and he's too tired. my husband stayed home with me instead of going out, which means he's going to resent me even more than he already does. and he's no good when i get like this. he doesn't know what to do. i'm just weary. i feel like the kindest thing to do would be to get it over with so everyone else can go on with their lives. sure, they'd be sad, but they'd get over it eventually. i worry about how my kids would take it, they're the only reason i haven't already done it, but do they really need a crazy, suicidal mother? i'm bipolar type 2, i have asperger's, i have chronic pain, and i'm just tired of fighting. i'm ready to go. i used to be scared when i got like this, but this time i'm not.

a sacrifice must be made my mom just called reddit “like instagram” how shall i sacrifice her and to which god?

there was a spider in my shirt. my hair was messy so i thought it was just tickling my neck until ‘the hair’ fell down my shirt. check inside my shirt and its a spider. i am in shock and have just changed my shirt after scrubbing my torso 50 times but i wasn’t *that* traumatized.

i screwed up... and badly.hey everyone. recently, a close friend of mine (lets call her jane) got admitted into the mental hospital because of suicidal attempt by overdosing. i was very worried. she spent the weekend there.. when she came back, she posted this on facebook: *nice to finally see who the fuck you actually are. thanks for being there when i needed you most, asshole.* now, at first, i thought it was about me; i let go of that thought because..well.. i just did. i had just recently stopped self-harming because my mom found out, and i was also cutting too deep. when she came to school, i told her many nice things and i treated her extremely good.. then she told me her mom made her switch schools. and that she did not know why. as turns it out, it was all because of me. she was absent on monday, and the teacher asked if anybody knew why.. i told her. the teacher then told the guidance counselor, but the guidance counselor already knew this. she (the guidance counselor) then called me up and asked me about jane. she asked what i knew about her. thinking i was going to help, i told her that people bothered her in the bus calling her emo and throwing things at her, people making jokes about her, and basically just bullying her. the guidance counselor told jane's mom all this and made her switch schools, leaving behind all her friends.. just because i couldn't keep my mouth shut. lets rewind to her suicide attempt: i hadn't talked to her in weeks. every time i tried the conversation would go nowhere.. i wanted to help her; i couldn't. she was always drugging herself, she was always depressed, having mood swings, cutting herself.. i do not think it was all because of me, but i do think part of it was that i was the only person that could help her..yet i didn't. she's had a rough past. she was molested at a very young age, she's struggled with bulimia, low self-esteem, self-harm and depression for a long time, and i am fully aware of what that feels like because i too have dealt with this. every time i try to talk to her, she acts "normal" or just simply never texts back (that's the only way of communication we have). so reddit.. what do i do? i know it's not completely my fault, but i was part of the cause. i let her know i love her and that i do care about her everyday, but she's too stubborn about it. i guess she needs to blame someone to make herself feel better..or is she right? was it all me? p.s.thank you for reading. i thought no one would actually read this.

i kinda want waffles. i don't have a waffle maker though sadly. :(

remember to spread your legs lads if your balls get too hot, your sperm die making you temporarily less fertile. also dont wear jeans for thgr same reason

i have a tumor in my head and im scared. im not really sure what to do. its called "the game" and you just lost. try not to remember it.

girl, are you my pinky toe? because i wanna bang you against every piece of furniture in the house.

rainbow 6 is the best 6v6 game i snuggled around a bomb, with 5 burly men, and we all stood up at once and committed multiple murders

so fucking done with myself i’ve done some horrible stuff and i do mean truly horrible stuff which is why i don’t want to explain it and recently it’s been weighing on me so much i can’t even sleep anymore. i always try to be a good person these days but i just feel like i’m lying to myself at this point considering what a scumbag i am and it’s driving me insane. i deserve to die in all honesty and knowing that yet carrying on with day to day life like a normal person just feels so wrong. lord knows why i’m posting this here but i don’t even know what i doing anymore, just want to end it all and do everybody a favour.

help me so uh recently our class had a really big falling out and i've deleted all forms of communication w/them. i need a hobby or something to do, because i was just dumped by my girlfriend and best friend. please give me something so i don't just fall asleep sad forever now. also does this flair mean im giving advice or taking it? i'm taking advice.

i just need someone to talk toi've got a problem. actually, quite a lot, but only one i'll mention here. when it comes to socializing, i'm backwards and outlandishon one hand, i cannot stand casual relationships. people exhaust me and most bore me before i've had 10 minutes to talk to them. on the other, i am freakishly lonely, wanting little more than a voice of familiarity to resonate with mine. i only maintain "important" relationships, but that leaves autonomous me in a quiet, empty chasm. as a 20 year old female college student, the majority of my classification/peers can get so much joy from drama, lunch with friends, little college activities, etc., and i like socialization that is... well, not like that. i get rises from talking about the universe, the limitations of conscious human experience and like activities of ambitious intellectual improvement (such as studying math theories or solving tough problems). i'm awful in real-time conversation, though, so i shy away from math clubs or other groups because i fear they won't take me seriously when i inevitably screw up my logic while talking to them. i dont want to make a bad representation of myself because i'm so socially inept in person. it's driving me into sadness. a dull, lasting sadness. i can't seem to relate to anyone. i have one social connection (the only one, for 2 years now), but he scarcely understands me (and admits to it). i'm not mean or at all prissy to other people and i get along very smoothly with anyoneas an acquaintance. on the inside, though, at my deepest levels, i'm lonely, restless, starving for actualization and swirling in the thought of my whole life being this empty and lonesome. what can i do to overcome the struggle? tl; dri'm a troubled loner. i can't hold onto relationships and i don't make friends easily at all, but living life without being myself around people is making me unhealthy. edit: after re-reading this, i probably sound like i belong on /iamverysmart... damn it, sorry. **ignore my weird wording**, i just like being clear with what i mean.

there is that demon inside me that is just waiting for my signal to push me down the bridge...i cannot hold it much longer. i am about to call a cop. wait for him with a crowbar, beat him, take his gun and shoot my brain out. my purpose in this existence is just gone, and i was already in a massive downfall. i have no support anymore. no one to count on. i am always alone in school and evreywhere. i don't want to go to school and start crying seeing all the others having great disscusion until they see me cry and they will ask what is wrong. there is no way out of this. i am maybe 17. i am maybe a guy but i can cry the fuck out like a pussy, i've always been cowardly minded like this. it's about to exceed for me. growing pain. each night if i sleep i cry. i dont want to drop tears of pain anymore. sick and fucking tired.

treatment shaming in "the sun"it's no secret that a lot of people who suffer from depression or related disorders also struggle with substance abuse. however, the right thing for any disorder is to seek treatment from professionals. as a sufferer of depression myself, this makes my blood boil. i was just reading news when i came across this about carrie fisher in an article from "the sun": >“some of her friends i talked to **doubted she was ever totally clean and sober** because **she got doctor’s ­prescriptions to treat her bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety**.” > [archive link](http://archive.is/sbifs) the idea that a person isn't sober because they're being treated by doctors for bipolar, depression, and anxiety pisses me off like nothing else. chemical dependence was never my problem. but i've seen first hand a number of friends and loved ones who suffer from both addiction and other psychological illness be told to totally stop their treatment against medical advice after getting involved in 12-step programs (aa, na) and being told that they were not sober if they continued to get their meds. so, instead of being healthy, they got a plastic chip. all got worse. one got dead by suicide. i am just sharing this because no one who suffers from depression or related disorders should ever stop medical treatment because some amature shames you into thinking you're "not really sober" when you're taking your meds as prescribed. obviously, it goes without saying that meds should not be abused. they should be used as prescribed and only as prescribed. changing meds and dosages should only be done under medical supervision. this article disgusts me. i made it an archive.is link so as to not give the site any undeserved traffic. also, use oxford commas. seriously.

most people want to die because they don't want to live anymore, i want to die to die.the thing is, i'm not afraid to die, at all, no matter how painful it is. it's only because of how my ma and my one friend will react if i killed myself, that i am still alive today. i feel so selfish because of the good life i have. my family isn't rich, but i have everything i could ever need, and many wants as well. i feel so selfish because there are millions of suffering people out there that deserve the life i have. i knock myself down every second of the day. whenever i think about ending it, it always leads to me telling myself 'you are selfish' 'you should be grateful for this life' 'how dare you say you are suffering when you have everything you need.' i don't mind living, living is okay i guess, but there is nothing for me here. the sun goes up and then it goes down and then it goes up again. everything is heartbreaking and boring. i have some things that i enjoy, but it's never enough and that makes me sooo selfish, but it's how i feel. i want to know, so badly, what happens after death. it eats me alive every day and haunts me in my dreams to the point where i feel insane. i believe whatever it is, it'll be worth it because atleast i have my answer. if it is just blank, then it won't matter, i'll be dead. i got panic disorder, so that shit sucks. i got alotta anxiety which also sucks. my ma had a really rough past and i know deep down if i killed myself or even just died, she would kill herself. i do not, ever, want to be responsible for killing someone that isn't deserving of death. even i, sometimes think that i don't deserve death, that i deserve worse than death. i'm not going to kill myself, not yet. i guess i'm posting this because i've never talked to anyone about this before and i thought i would feel a little relief to admit it.

help, please!i am always depressed and saddened by everything, i don't care half the time, and cry to no end. i end up going over everything i can blame myself for, or come up with ridiculous reasons on why something non-relevant is my fault, and make my feelings worse. i've had suicidal thoughts, but don't cut myself, or anything like that. i don't want to stay bottled up like this, i just want help. fast. i,m afraid to talk to anyone i know, because of what they'll think. i cannot go to a therapist, because i do not have a car. can anyone give me advice?

i turn 30 today and life surprised me.i thought i would be someone by this age. i never had concrete goals but being a single 30 year old lady who works a lame job and lives in a shitty apartment wasn't high up on my list. i wasted my entire life, the best years are all gone now and i literally never lived at all. worst of all today i got a wedding invitation from a girl who i was once friends with (we had a competitive friendship) and to see someone actually succeeding in life hurt me a lot (which i know is pathetic, i should be happy to them). people are marrying and having kids and i haven't ever even dated. i know it's too late to change things. i should have done so much when i had the time-things could be so different now. i would matter. people would care about me. in life i always fantasized about having someone be interested in things i had to say or my opinion or even something stupid like my favorite book. my biggest regret is that i never had a love in this life, even if it's not true i want to believe when this life ends i might get another chance and i could live better.

anyone able to relate?in high school i never worked on improving grades, never prepared for college, never thought about dreams or career goals because to be perfectly honest, i never thought i would make it that far... i never made plans of suicide or anythingbut somehow i believed i would just wither away and die from the magnitude of suffering i carried around for so long. i never thought i could get better... and now that i have, i'm buried in a personal grave that i never meant to dig. now that i'm better, my whole life feels like a bad dream, like the choices i made and didn't make weren't even in my control. but i have to live with the consequences now. i'm in my early twenties at a dead end job and i'm having to start from here. i'm just having a hard time coping and figuring out how to be successful this late in life. i'm so grateful, more than anything in the whole world that i'm finally whole, but nobody around me understands why i'm a "loser". why i never had dreams, why i never did anything with my life. i'm just tired of being belittled for being unsuccessful and feeling worthless. i just really, truly never though i would make it here... :-(

breathe manually sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

i don't know what i'm expecting.i feel the need to write this. like one last shout into the void. nine years ago i was 14, i had anxiety and depression, and was on medication for both. i had a terrible panic attack on one particularly rough evening, and just started swallowing pills to get it to stop. i woke up in a hospital bed a day or so later with the awesome revelation that my brain had instinctively tried to end my life, and that i had failed at it. it took a long time for me to get over that with a lot of people keeping their eyes on me, but i eventually reached a state of normality. fast forward nine years, i'm done and i couldn't tell you why. i am pretty sure my brain is trying to finish what it started. i haven't felt anything in months, except the urge to slam my car into a tree or eat a fucking gun. this feeling has always been there and it's never going away. i'm doing this eventually and a loved one has recently flat out told me "do it or don't." so i'm going to. later.

help me. ..please. i'm going insane.i feel awful. this is my last resort. i need the good reddit folk to give me some confidence. i had a bad breakup with my ex, in that we didn't want it but for the pointless arguments we were having it was 'for the best'. fast forward 4 months and i feel like i'm losing her completely after we tried to stay in touch. found out that she's kissed another guy despite her telling me she loves me. i am going insane and i'm having an extreme anxiety attack right now. please make me feel better. like i'm worth *something* in this world. i feel like i'm gonna crack any second and do something stupid. update: i spilled my heart and saw her today. we kissed. or i kissed her. we hugged for a while. not many words spoken but it felt good, positive, right (for me). i hope things get better soon. i'm still anxious but i am trying to be as positive as possible. thanks for all the support. please keep it coming. it's always needed. in return i will do the same for another where possible.

i’m so glad i dropped out of college it made me so depressed i literally wanted to kill myself every day

heyyyyooo my boyfriend and i run a gaming server together if anyones interested in joining its aimed at people 13-17 and we have a small minecraft java survival server too- we currently have 170 people and a handful of members are really active, we have a good community and we're just looking to grow it a bit more ! if anyone wants i can dm them the link :)

i was the person who posted the cyberpunk 2077 post yesterday, and someone got it for him! yesterday, i posted a photo (it got removed) of my friend who wasn’t able to afford cyberpunk. as it turns out, someone actually gifted it to him! whoever did it, i don’t know who yet, i, our friends, and more importantly he appreciates it. i’m just honestly amazed that he actually got a copy of it. even i don’t have a copy of it yet!

dae feel like being apathetic/ungrateful even though you don't want to be?like you're supposed to love your family but you just don't feel affection/love towards them and sometimes they just become annoying to you? i know i need to be grateful for so many things. in my head i am but i just don't fucking feel it. to my mom and my dad, sister, etc. i just get pissed at my mom when everytime everything i say (even the simplest things) she has something to lecture me on and even misunderstands me as being rude when i'm not like shut the fuck up i don't even care, she even makes it personal and then yells at me like fuck man she takes it so personally, she's so sensitive and emotional while i'm not. and now i have to wait until her anger gets relieved so i can go back and help in her business again smfh ps. this is more like a rant post, sorry.

first time i've decided to let anybody know what's going on.i'm a 29 year old male. i've had a lot going on for me for a long time, but have battled depression since high school. the last three months have been the murphy's law of my existence so far. february saw the end of my marriage, though that may have been for the best. she took most of my possessions, my dog, etc. and left me with a looooot of bills. right before the court date, i totaled my car, and had to deal with that essentially alone and with no money. silver lining to that, my car was worth around $10,000, which was extremely helpful in getting caught up on bills. about two months ago, i got laid off of my dream job, and left with little or no reference moving forward. none of my chosen references decided to write a letter, or were comfortable helping me look elsewhere. this made job searching extremely difficult and it took a toll on my happiness. the $10,000 my totaled car got me bought me about 3 months of financial comfort, but now it's completely dry. already about $10,000 in debt from credit cards (thanks wife), i really can't take out any more, even to survive. my credit score is also quite low. all this was minor news, nothing i couldn't handle, because i had the love of a girl that is so incredible. one that made me happier than my wife ever did. one that made every grey day have a little bit of sunshine. as all of this debt and job loss seemed to happen at the same time, i get a phone call from my new girlfriend. you know, the dreaded "we need to talk". turns out that she doesn't see this relationship going anywhere, even though 48 hours prior, we were being flirty, and talking about the future. so the triple whammy of being in debt and poor, jobless, and heartbroken all at the same time has got me on the edge. i think about suicide hourly, if not more. i'm a wimp, which is why i haven't done anything yet. i guess all i'm looking for is somebody to talk to. i'm willing to talk myself out of it. but this absolute waste of a life i've been given isn't giving me a better option right now.

a car almost hit me yesterdayi was riding a bike and my friend crossed the road and i didn't even think about it i just followed him. a car was 1 meter away from me and i got a weird feeling in my stomach. everything was in slow motion and i really thought i was going to die. im kinda sad that it didn't hit me. im disappointing everyone. my family and friends hate me because im an asshole. i have no reasons to stay alive. i am not living my life, i'm just existing. im tired of everything. i am going to visit a psychiatrist very soon and i hope that she'll help me. sorry about my english and this is kinda messy but i needed to write this.