Datasets:

HuggingFaceGECLM

/

REDDIT_threaded

like 0

Follow

HuggingFaceGECLM 10

1337410221

1337559752

t3_tug6m

t5_2to41

[deleted]: Tifu. Always sign the hot ones in. I work as a security guard for a private country club and some of the rich kids were having parties tonight. I am supposed to sign everyone in but this super hot chick came through. I talked to her for a minute and realized that she already knew she was way outa my league. Feeling defeated I let her through without getting her info. This was at 7pm. An hour ago I allowed two cops to come in and patrol. It's now 1:48 in the morning and the tow truck just left with her car. She apparently got shit tanked and drove onto the golf course and got stuck in the sand. The boss is either going to yell at me tomorrow or laugh his ass off. I hope it's the second one. thelordofcheese: I hope your boss asks you, "Well, how hot was she?" zachglover1127: hahahahahaha he did!! it ended up being way ok. CrowCrowBro: Yeah, in the end nothing bad seemed to have happened and I guess it goes without saying that you'll keep this lesson in mind for next time! Im glad that your boss went for the second option! zachglover1127: im glad he did too, we were fortunate that there was no considerable damage, just some messy sand and a belligerent drunk girl.

1337423909

1337846338

t3_tukn6

t5_2to41

matt2709: TIFU: At a BBQ I completely covered a hotdog in mustard thinking it was American style, It was actually English mustard and I had to eat the whole thing out of politeness... Oh god the burning... I still cant taste flavours. windupharlequin: Wait... you mean American yellow mustard doesn't taste the same as English? I always assumed it was the same thing. What does American style taste like, then? [deleted]: I was actually thinking the same thing. TIL England has different mustard than ours. I found myself in a similar situation as the OP's once, except it involved Horseradish mustard. Was not fun. matt2709: I did that once with horseradish sauce, i thought it was bread sauce and ate a tablespoon of it whilst at buffet lunch, Projectile vomit was repressed etc... W0RLDWAR2: Bread sauce?? Forgive my American ignorance, but wtf is bread sauce? matt2709: [Only the greatest thing to have with chicken in the known universe](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bread_sauce) W0RLDWAR2: Hmmm, looks odd. Sounds interesting, thank you

1337364025

1337794863

t3_ttkjr

t5_2to41

squimblish: TIFU: Tried to do something cool, smashed a strangers cellphone. One of the best parts of riding a bicycle in NYC is that people everywhere are trying to hail cabs. This also means strangers are always trying to high five you as you ride by, or at least thats what me and my friends like to think. So we make a game of collecting as many "Bike 5"s as possible. Today, I was almost to my destination and had not had a Bike 5 all day, so i was geting desperate. A woman was hailing a cab at Broadway and Houston, I went for it. Turns out her cellphone was in that hand. And then it was on Broadway in several pieces, some under a bus. Trussss: this is a good and honest fuck up. A CLASSIC! did you pay for it or what? if you didnt + 10 guilty fuck up points joinedjusttosaythis: As someone who bikes and also tries to be empathetic to a fault (and owns a cell phone), I'm going to disagree and say that not only was this not funny ha-ha, it probably doesn't even qualify as funny fopa. Unless you meant classic like maybe how the Japanese internment camps were classic USA, in which case I'm sorry and well played. I don't know why this struck a chord, but this story, and more importantly any commenter that tries to mollify the perpitrator to me represents literally everything I hate. In the world. Ever. So much that fuck it, I'm making this a three paragrapher. Ok, now take the combination of hatred, annoyance, indignation, or whatever emotions those last two paragraphs caused you to feel and multiply that by 100. That's about where I am right now with this FU. I could literally rant for days about every facet of how wrong this shit is, with enough left over for a nice powerpoint and maybe one of those shorter Ted talks that may or may not make the air. Hopefully that made sense - I'm too stream of consciousness to care at this point, so I guess I'll conclude with this is the worst fuckup I've read yet, you and the 7 retards who upvoted you can rot in a dirty dick, and maybe you should consider going back to Africa, because I don't think anything but random racism could possibly come close to conveying how much I despise everything about this reply. TL; DR: Thank you for your time, and go fuck yourself. Trussss: I meant it was a classic because its an everyday kind of situation, (today) where OP (i) unintentionally went wrong whilst trying something cool (fucked up). Secondly, as im sure is pointed out to you very often, joinedjusttosaythis, nice two year club badge. Third, i would like to say that i don't find your post intimidating or indignifying, i just think that you should perhaps take a less serious look at things, due to my 25 comment post you have told me i am the sum of everything you hate, that seems a little judgemental. Lastly I would like to remind you that overly complicated and seemingly rasist jokes are not funny, try to keep your japanese internment and go back to africa jokes to yourself. joinedjusttosaythis: Wow, I actually don't remember writing that, and while I usually tend to not to worry too much about the possibility of insulting anyone on the internet, I definitely understand that what I wrote crosses a line. If you want me to delete it or anything like that feel free. Reading through it again, I think the worst part is probably that it basically wasn't funny at all, just bitter and caustic. I usually don't reddit for extended periods like last night, and going through you can kind of see a steady decline of tact the later it got. The post in question just ended up being the perfect storm of coming after I'd been hitting the bottle for a while, and also hitting a real sore spot of mine - those being bikers and broken phones. So sorry, I really hope that little rant didn't hit you too close to home. Obviously, there's no reason that you should really care what one anonymous idiot on the internet is saying, but I know sometimes you can get caught off guard. Once again let me know if you want me to delete my post or anything I'm deferring completely to you my friend. Trussss: No harm, no foul. just thought it warranted a reply.

1337426844

1337471600

t3_tulkt

t5_2to41

[deleted]: "T"IFU: Quit my semi-crappy job 3 months ago thinking I'd quickly get a new one. Nope. Three months ago I was working a job at a *major* telecom company. It was bad, but looking back I had over-reacted entirely. I (literally) walked off the job, thinking that my skills & experience would net me a new job soon. Today I came to the raw conclusion that * I'm not *that* skilled, * The job market isn't *that* great, and * My old job wasn't *that* bad. So I fucked up. _Anthem_: In general, you shouldn't quit one job unless you have another one lined up already. That being said, you could try calling your boss and asking for your job back. The worst he can say is no, and your situation is unchanged. He might say yes, but you'll come back at an entry level position. Also, never just walk off a job. While you may feel that you were being treated poorly, or deserved better, or whatever, you have to be a professional. Walking off is just childish. Part of growing up is learning to take the high road. Good luck to you. I hope you find a new job soon. nuxenolith: I had always assumed this was common sense. _Anthem_: No, but it is what your parents (should have) always told you, and is therefore completely irrelevant until you realize it for yourself. SubGeniusX: It's amazing how much smarter my parents got as they got older. Back when I was 16, I swear to god my parents were idiots and had no idea how the world worked. It's weird, as I passed through my 20's and 30's my parents must have had a revelation, because they started giving pretty decent advice, and saying stuff that started to make lot of sense. Now I'm in my early 40's, and they have smartened up enough, that I feel I can always go to them and get sound advice, and insight. Took them long enough. DAsSNipez: This depends entirely on the parents in question. Having experience doesn't mean you have had good experience, or experience that will apply to everyone. SubGeniusX: This is very true. I did mean it as more of a humorous personal/general take on the situation. I do realize that there are bad/shitty/horrible parents out there.

1337467923

1337489667

t3_tv9kz

t5_2to41

zachglover1127: TIFU. The things ill do to get laid. I am currently sitting in some girls apt. I wouldn't say its completely disgusting but it is pretty gross. Luckily the girl im after doesnt live here, but this might be where the "magic" happens. I dont want to pass on this but the place smells like wet dog and i haven't seen any signs of animals. wish me luck reddit, ill edit later and let you know what happened. EDIT: 3:22 am. laid. high. drunk. Im passing the fuck out, Thanks guys for everything! sniper_chkn: Gross enough that you couldn't lay towel's on her bed and have some fun fun? Sorry man :( zachglover1127: unfortunately so, the night is young. i may make tucker maxx proud yet. HotPikachuSex: I've never felt more invested in a guy who's not me getting laid. zachglover1127: there will be more stories to come, its summer my friend. Not_A_40_YR_Old_Man: Why didn't you just invite her to your place? zachglover1127: tried man, she didnt want to just "leave" her friend. I tried playing the whole lets get drunk and i had my buddy who would pick us up. but no go man. Not_A_40_YR_Old_Man: Damn. How'd the night play out? zachglover1127: I am drunk, i have two new girls back at my place and were drinking gin and sprite. Ill let you guys know. Not_A_40_YR_Old_Man: Well done. Well done indeed my friend. You have a good night. I'm going to sit here, smoke a bowl, and make sweet love to diablo 3 all night. Update me tomorrow! zachglover1127: my friend, that sounds excellent indeed. =D Diablo 3 wins all the way, and the bowlage is just as awesome, stay classy and have a wonderful passout!

1337454669

1338907183

t3_tv0p9

t5_2to41

insomni666: "T"IFU: Sent my Phi Theta Kappa application to the wrong room number, ended up missing the deadline, and now I might not be able to go to the college of my choice. I've been applying for all the scholarships and financial aid I can apply for, and have been rejected by every single one. I don't even think I qualify for a loan. The only scholarship that would have been a sure thing is the Phi Theta Kappa scholarship (I was nominated 2 times, but only decided the second time to actually accept). As you can see from the title, I fucked up the address and they didn't receive the check in time for the deadline, so they sent it back. Now I might not be able to go to this college because of financial issues and the expense because I would be an out of state student. I want to bash my head into a wall... I cannot fucking believe I was that stupid. thelordofcheese: Community college and a part time job, apply next semester, take courses that can transfer credits and quality values flags. insomni666: I just got an AA from a community college. thelordofcheese: Yeah, I started drinking a lot in college, too. insomni666: ha. :P thelordofcheese: It's 10:30 and I'm drinking while looking for a new job after moving into a new place this weekend and playing vidya from 4AM to 11PM Sunday.

1337474692

1337494175

t3_tve1g

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU my grades and the love of my parents So I got my progress report and it turns out I'm failing 3 subjects, my parents outright told me they are giving up on me and kicking me out very soon. I already made up my assignments and raised my average by at least 15 points in each of the subjects i was failing but I can't seem to get through to them. They are going to rely on my brother who is 10. I am 16 and a sophomore in high school. progamer7100: Can call CPS if/when that does happen, make them kicking you out a legal issue. Fairly certain it's illegal to kick out under-18s. [deleted]: haha, fairly certain?! Not_A_40_YR_Old_Man: Meaning check your states laws.

1337494003

1337554617

t3_tvpfe

t5_2to41

hyperlyss: TIFU: Got yelled at by a blind man's friend for staring... Was excited by his cute dog. The dog looked just like my puppy back home and I got a stupid grin on my face. Blind guy's friend stopped me and said "Don't you know better than to make fun of the disabled?!". I felt bad and ran away rather than explain. swordmaster006: Don't sweat it; that guy's an overly-defensive ass. DNGR_S_PAPERCUT: At least he has his friends back though. [deleted]: I wouldn't call being unreasonably aggressive to grinning strangers 'having his friends back'. DNGR_S_PAPERCUT: I saw someone that he thought was mocking his buddy and he spoke up about it. He "had his friends back" in my book. [deleted]: He's blind, someone smiling is hardly mocking him. I'm sure the blind guy would much rather his not using him as an excuse to be aggressive and self-righteous.

1337495024

1337519470

t3_tvpwy

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU: Missed a potential chance to get laid because my phone was on silent. Woke up this morning to text I got from a girl at ~1:40 in the morning, saying "What're you doing?". I'm not sure why she was asking, especially at 1:40 AM, but I could guess. Fuck me Maybe she just needed a ride home... [deleted]: With this being the only knowledge of your relationship, it seems pretty far fetched that she wanted to have sex with you :/ GODDAMN_FARM_SHAMAN: Or, maybe, she's just an uppity better than everyone superskank.

1337557473

1337756620

t3_twntt

t5_2to41

throwawawaway9000: TIFU: Got drunk, tried to kiss a girl and was shut down. Also spilled on my bike, wrecked the back tire and cut my hand. Happened last night, honestly, if that still counts. uncel_dolan: be gald, seh has herps. everytihgn went better with excpections. interlude27: lol, what? uncel_dolan: interlued pls interlude27: is orry d iont sundersand

1337569289

1337632725

t3_twxlj

t5_2to41

HolyEdward: TiFu: Accidentally smacked a co-workers ass I'm a server. My co-worker was doing something by the counter and i had to reach above her to get a condiment. There was an empty tray in my left hand, and as i was reaching that tray toppled forward. I then pushed my hand forward as well to try and catch the tray. Seems the only thing i caught was the woman's rear end. Now she won't stop flirting with me. EDIT: She's Fat. Suddenly-Dubstep: Don't make eye contact with her ever again. If that doesn't work, you'll need to come up with a Plan B. HolyEdward: I repeatedly denied this girls advances. pretty obviously but also politely and respectfully. -This resulted in her slipping her number into my pocket while i was unaware. what is plan B. WHAT IS PLAN B mamajamerson: I think PLAN B is to do something she would find absolutely repugnant. How much do you know about her? Maybe ask her to join a gang bang with you and your roommates? Or, you could eat some leftovers off of a customer's plate? Be creative! Sixty2: >Maybe ask her to join a gang bang with you and your roommates? Don't do this. She may say yes. mamajamerson: This is a valid concern. Maybe you could share some offensive links with her. But where on earth would you go to find something sufficiently horrifying to quash her interest? I just can't... Legion299: OH YOU DO CodyGriffin: "So i herd u liek 4chan..." nuxenolith: Then OP gets a multimedia text message of a pooper-engulfed sharpie. BlindSpotGuy: How fat are we talkin' again? CodyGriffin: [About THIIIIIIIIIS big!](http://i.imgur.com/jsPBp.png)

1337584621

1337989702

t3_tx7jy

t5_2to41

thebornotaku: TIFU: Accidentally slapped a co-worker's ass... yes, me too. I work as a bagger at a grocery store and today I had grabbed a crumpled up piece of paper and went to go toss it in a trash bin inside the checkstand. Out of habit I usually just reach in to the checkstand and toss it behind the checker towards the trash can. Well, today, I went to go do that right as the fairly attractive female checker took a step back because her till was opening. The result? My hand, which had just opened up to release the trash, met her ass, with force. There was an audible slap sound. She froze for a second (as did the customer, who totally noticed it) before turning around and yelling "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?" at me. After profusely apologizing and trying to explain, my supervisor took me in the office and interrogated me over the whole thing, where I again tried profusely to apologize and explained what happened. My supervisor understood but also told me that if my coworker decided to press the issue that I would lose my job. Thankfully, when my supervisor went to go talk to her, my supervisor was able to explain the situation and my coworker decided to drop it. I had thought for certain I was about to be fired. tl;dr: pay attention where you hands are, and may be going be grateful for the good supervisors you have that help keep your ass out of trouble RageGodReed: Dm;sa thebornotaku: what? SuburbaniteSlob: doesn't matter; slapped ass. c'mon thebornotaku: To be fair, said coworker *is* pretty attractive. I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it before... RageGodReed: thats the spirit nashgasm: and at least now you know she isnt all that into you. i think this is a good outing. kept job, slapped ass, found out she isnt into you, all without the awkward phase of asking and finding rejection. well played sir. GrouchyMcSurly: I would like to offer you a position as my Chief Optimism Officer. nashgasm: i look forward to a pension as well as oppurtunities for advancement. thanks for the offer, consider it accepted. :P Earlier_this_week: How do you advance from Chief Optimism Officer..... President of optimism? nashgasm: And from there to the great 'Optimistic Emperor' of course! there is always room for advancement! there is always a raise in pay and a better station to look forward to right? RIGHT? Earlier_this_week: Right :)

1337616410

1337949152

t3_txnmn

t5_2to41

aforsberg: TIFU: Made a 'your mom' joke to a friend... whose mom has been dead for about 3 months now. [deleted]: To avoid this, I just assume everyone's parents are dead, unless I've met them or heard a lot about them. warrenlain: So you insult them even though you've met them? I find it weird to make yo mama jokes when I have met them. If they are nice, I feel bad. If they mean, I feel bad. [deleted]: I must not take yo mama jokes as seriously as you do. Most of the time, my friends and I talk about sleeping with each other's moms, so its kind of a compliment.

1337618070

1337635873

t3_txozi

t5_2to41

OhManItsMyAPClass: TIFU by giving my friend a wedgie, she was on her period Needless to say, the narrow and red pancake on the floor was enough to deter me from ever doing that again. GrouchyMcSurly: Wait, what? What was the pancake? OhManItsMyAPClass: The red 'cake was her pad. karlos349: I was trying to picture how that even happened... but then quickly decided it was best not to. godlyjacob: But I want to know. Why would her pad be on the floor from giving someone a wedgie? Also, based on his/her response below, why would the OP smell it and throw up? karlos349: True, this does raise enough questions for me to be curious again. Saydrah: Yeah, post is in all likelihood bogus. I can imagine how this might happen, but I think this is more likely a 13-year-old expressing his obsession with the bodily functions of women. We are witnessing the development of a very bizarre fetish for being forced to clean up used feminine hygiene products in front of strangers. Megan_Bee: I think you're on to something here. Plus, he called it a "red pancake". I don't mean to be gross, but the pad wouldn't be completely red. Nobody let's it get that bloody. His facts don't add up... micheesie: Yeah, it starts to leak when it gets that bloody, so it's a bad idea to just leave it like that.

1337621085

1338414874

t3_txrl5

t5_2to41

biitchhplease: TIFU: Probably buried my turtle alive At least, today I found out I fucked up. Last year, my 10-year-old sister and I found a very young box turtle at my uncle's house. We figured it probably would have got eaten by one of the million animals that eats baby turtles, so we took it home. We kept it for a long time, but it didn't seem very healthy - we probably didn't take very good care of it, and I don't think we even got it the right food, because it refused to eat for some reason. After a long time of it not seeming healthy, it just stopped moving. Guessing it had passed away, we had a cute little funeral for it, and buried it (deep) in the backyard. Well, today I found out box turtles hibernate. TL;DR - thought my sister's turtle was dead, we buried it, turns out it was probably hibernating and I killed it. Stevehops: Dig it up. Probably still alive if it hibernating. They bury themselves in the mud, don't they? [deleted]: If he didnt try this by now then screw him wheresmyhouse: I know it says "Today I fucked up," but I think this is something more along the lines of "8 years ago I fucked up." jacqueofalltrades: Except for the whole, you know, "last year" part. biitchhplease: I don't think they have an r/LYIFU, so I posted it here. jacqueofalltrades: I was backing you up... :( biitchhplease: Haha, thank you for that :)

1337642445

1337650330

t3_tybbz

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU by not asking enough questions Long story short I am intern, did some stuff I was asked to by one guy next thing I know the main boss is emailing me telling me that I fucked up everything to meet him in his office next morning. Just a quick question if anyone does read this, how much does this impact my future employments? Update (5/22/2012): since this thing got so few up votes and such I figure I would just update this post. I did not get fired (woooo) but did get chewed out like nobody's business (also my boss is so far up my arse I cant breath with out asking) but thanks to the feedback from you guys I think I did convince him (boss) that I am not completely useless so thanks! Michi_THE_Awesome: During your next interview call it a learning experience. Now you know to ask more questions when you don't know something. [deleted]: Thanks, never thought of spinning it that way stokleplinger: Now you're thinking with Marketing.

1337649736

1337659393

t3_tyhrp

t5_2to41

so_obscure: TIFU by launching a rock from my lawnmower into my mother's $500 glass front door. Needless to say, she wasn't happy... My main talking point was that shit happens. Suddenly-Dubstep: This seems like one of those things that just happens and you have little control over. Just a peaceful day mowing the lawn and then bam, a rock hits the glass, and the cracks begin to show. Shrappy: This is my new favorite novelty account.

1337652279

1337710087

t3_tyk10

t5_2to41

mollyfg: today i sold tickets to a fellow redditor for a show i thought was tonight - turns out it was last night rya11111: removed. please follow rule 1 and repost. Thnx :) mollyfg: fair, sorry! new to this subreddit

1337653380

1337659299

t3_tyl1p

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU Lying about grades. I normally did very well in high school, with no C's in my report card, and my parents were proud of me. Given that my older brother and sister were average, they expected me to outshine them, and I believed in myself too. And then junior year came along, and I was getting a C in Algebra 2 and in Chem first semester, and utterly failing Spanish, and my mother already stopped believing in me. While my Spanish class has possibly the shittiest teacher ever, I can only blame myself for chem and math. Now it's the last week of school and I have a D in math and chem, and still failing Spanish. The worst part is my parents have no idea, because I disabled the emails that get sent to them informing them of my grades, and every time they asked I would lie. I feel like a horrible son and lost all my confidence, and I'm so afraid of what's going to happen when my parents find out that I'm not the achiever of the family, I'm just another "average kid," not to mention the lost trust that's sure to follow. I feel incredibly guilty and really regret what I did. Sorry for all that, I just needed to vent. brainleech430: Lying is never a good way out, especially with grades. You just have to tell them that your grades are in the shitter and that you're sorry that you lied to them and then hope for the best. If you need some help with chem pm me. poopyjoe43: Thanks for the offer, but it's way too late now, and no way am I taking chem next year. I know lying is stupid, but my mom just kept yelling at me and telling me she didn't care anymore, so I disabled the email. I know it was a prick move but I was tired of being yelled at (I'd honestly rather be grounded/have my shit taken away any day) and I thought I didn't need the threat of her yelling to do well.

1337656785

1338665682

t3_tyo3m

t5_2to41

Shrappy: TIFU while peeing. Just happened. I'm wearing gym shorts. You know, elastic waistband? So I'm doing my business when my thumb slips off the waistband, causing it to shoot up into my exposed gentlemen vegetables. This resulted in a rather spectacular stream of homemade lemonade covering the side of the bowl, the floor next to it, the shower curtain and parts of the bathtub. TL;DR: Thumb slipped, junk whipped, everything dripped. Edit: That awkward moment when your most successful post on Reddit ever...is a self post. Feelsbadman. joinedjusttosaythis: Don't beat yourself up, every guy has made that mistake at one point or another. Consider yourself lucky that the only collateral damage was the bathroom and not your chest and face. violencewithin: i have had the latter happen before. I immediately stopped(didn't even mind the pain) stripped everything off and immediately entered the shower joinedjusttosaythis: Pain? Like from snapping your pants back too far, or one of those pisses that turns your dick into a fire hose, or what? octoplasm: you can't stop once you've started, it stings. joinedjusttosaythis: I've never really had that problem to be honest. The only times I get a little sting are occasionally when "switching pipes" and maybe after a sketchy hookup. [deleted]: What the fuck is switching pipes. Xvapor1zerX: When number one turns into number two.. [deleted]: That's...that's poo. Xvapor1zerX: Doo doo baby

1337649625

1337685212

t3_tyho7

t5_2to41

jululous: TIFU I tipped a chair onto my crush So in every classroom in my school, there are a couple really crappy desks in the back of the room that fall over really easily, and we call them the tippy desks. So today I was sitting in a tippy desk next to my crush, and suddenly the desk tipped over while I was sitting in it, and it landed on my crush's foot. Ouch. AnonymousPhi: You crushed your Crush's foot? jululous: lol i guess so :)

1337688442

1337726038

t3_tz4r0

t5_2to41

Alexi_Strife: TIFU by putting electrodes on my penis So I work in a porn store and one of the products we sell is a E-stim package. It contains 4 electrodes and a remote. I messed around with it previously with my girlfriend when I first got it and we had fun naming all the power settings which ranged from 'cat claws in the morning' to 'zoidberg hands' and the most powerful setting, 'midnight knife fight in downtown Oakland'. Well, tonight I was bored and alone. Decided to try to rub one out and go to sleep but nothing was really doing it for me, so I decided to be adventurous. I hook up two of the electrodes to my junk, around the shaft and pressed play on my "acquired" copy of Avengers. It was the perfect set up, in moments I was going to make a new addition to the spank bank thanks to miss Scarlet Johansson and some mild voltage. At first it didn't work. I assumed you had to have all four electrodes making contact somewhere, so I tried connecting the second set to...ahem... another region. It felt amazing, a few of the settings were uncomfortable but nothing too bad, I would quickly switch to a different mode and it was all good. I eventually found a nice mild setting and kept it there but increased the speed. I finally found the perfect setting and it was amazing, I had never came so hard in my life. Unfortunately, when I came I twitched in such a way that one of the electrode popped off and landed on the arm that was holding the remote. It twitched and clenched the button that increased the voltage. I went from bliss to searing agony in seconds. It felt like a legion of fire ants; commanded by my exes, were marching through every vein and inch of my member. I kind of wanted to scream out for help but I couldn't let my roommates find "this". After about 10 seconds, which felt like hours, I got the thing to stop. Never again. Never again. TL;DR. I stuck an e-stim on my penis. Felt like a downtown Oakland knife fight on my junk. 8Adnihilo8: Dude, that's just messed up. There's so much porn out there, and you chose The Avengers?! DVentresca: In his defense, have you seen dat ass? C-Bake: Chris Hemsworth all day...

1337716078

1337800157

t3_tzqnz

t5_2to41

l0l_cabbage: TIFU - Screw you, reddit is fun app! I opened reddit Is fun app on my lesson. Someone replied to me, so the notification sound came. My teacher notices this and takes my phone. She refuses to give It to me and tells that she will give It only to my mom. My mom refuses to take the phone until the end of May. Meh, I'll just take my phone from teacher desk when teacher will be somewhere else. thebornotaku: Don't use your phone in class, you twit. [deleted]: It's boring In class without my phone. thebornotaku: Class isn't meant to be entertaining, it's meant to be educational. [deleted]: It's hard to get focused to education when only a couple of days of school left :/

1337705658

1337784824

t3_tzh81

t5_2to41

cosakboomhauser: TIFU by puking in my bathroom sink and clogging it I was extremely intoxicated and half asleep. Didn't think to go to the toilet at the time because it was the heat of the moment. Upchucked my whole meatball sub that I had for dinner. C7J0yc3: Done this more than once, all while intoxicated. Don't worry bout it buddy. cosakboomhauser: Yeah but I left it there until the next morning and actually had to drain it with a plastic cup since the drain itself wouldn't budge. C7J0yc3: Again, this has happened every time to me. In fact after the second time and seeing a trend I purchased a mil-surp gas mask to have something to wear while cleaning to prevent gagging. cosakboomhauser: Lol I think i learned not to make that mistake again.

1337748415

1337778138

t3_u0jw7

t5_2to41

Spillanya: TIFU by letting my boyfriend drive my car. [Oops.](http://i.imgur.com/hEF81.jpg) [deleted]: but but...i thought the stereotype applied to women only o_0 siegewolf: He must've been an Asian. Asnanon: They drive as if there is no tomorrow. Aszuul: More like so there won't be a tomorrow. Asnanon: Well that is the consequence if it goes "well".

1337784695

1338483459

t3_u123n

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU my piano test Today I took a piano test in front of room full of people. When I finsihed the judges said : "***, you know what we're about to say : you need to work more. It's a C". C is the worst mark you can get in my music school. djm4391: was it a bad performance? or just completely not what they were looking for? either way just keep at it. i went to culinary school and i always believed the grading system was BS, i would think music school is similar. there isn't really a right or wrong with music (or cooking), which makes giving a letter grade difficult.. it's completely under the discretion of whoever's giving the grade. i remember we had a knife skills test, 10 minutes to cut some potatoes different ways.. chef went around to each person individually and gave out grades. one guy didn't have enough time to dice the potato so he cheated and grabbed his buddies cup of diced that had already been graded.. chef didn't notice and scored him 10 points higher then the guy who actually cut them. who knows maybe if somebody else played exactly as you did they would have gotten different remarks. behindtheaegis: >there isn't really a right or wrong with music What does this even mean? That you can't play a wrong note? Do you know what you're talking about? djm4391: music can sound good whether or not it's exactly what the instructor wanted behindtheaegis: He's not performing his own works, he's performing other peoples' works that have established "dos" and "don'ts." If he was performing his own music, playing it "his way" or "with mistakes" is one thing. He is in music school; he is being trained to play the classics in the performance practice of the time. Playing wrong notes or jumbling together voices not only sounds bad but is also not the point of these examinations. djm4391: noted.

1337799353

1337868892

t3_u1esk

t5_2to41

IManageTacoBell: TIFU: emailed an important company client a thread where four co workers and myself mocked their team members on our project, got fired. I work in the media industry. Had been with the company for 3+ years when I sent along a thread to our customer where we were complaining about them. Had a great salary, excellent benefits and a career on the rise. Had no major incidents during my time there and never had less than an above average review. The customer was very important to us, and someone's head had to roll. Now I'm out of a job. I fucked up. **UPDATE** After spending the summer off, I found a better job with another software company. Bigger salary, better opportunity and less travel. I am happy to finally bury this in the past, but I thought I'd update TIFU with the good news. I'll be more careful this time.... MandatorilyMatutinal: If you're gonna fuck up, might as well go all in. Mocking people over emails and thus leaving written evidence is a stupid idea on its own, as someone can find it. But sending it to the people you mocked? That takes a special effort. Nimanzer: Way to comfort a guy :( MandatorilyMatutinal: If you want comforting, then posting on TIFU is in itself a fuck up. hoppi_: Hello you. On the right side it says: > Today I Fucked Up, a community for the dumbass in all of us. We all have those moments where we do something ridiculously stupid. *Let us make each other feel better about ourselves.* Could be just me, but that implies that we make each other feel better about it / us. MandatorilyMatutinal: I interpret it more as 'Other people doing obscenely stupid things will make you feel better about yourself as your mistakes will seem more trivial.' And I would be willing to stake a large sum of money on the fact that 95% of the people who come to this subreddit are here for a good giggle to cheer them up, as opposed to doling out sympathy. Earlier_this_week: I feel better now because your interpretation is wrong.

1337804061

1338164938

t3_u1j8h

t5_2to41

jululous: TIFU: A blue pen exploded in my mouth I was chewing on a pen, and it exploded in my mouth. Currently on my third round of mouthwash. Now that I think about it, the first thing I should've done was take pics for reddit, but it didn't occur to me. I guess I'm not a true redditor :( EDIT: Pics: http://imgur.com/OxosY I've gotten most of it off, but there's still a lot on my tongue and some on my teeth edit: I also think I may have broken my tastebuds with too much mouthwash, kind of like when you burn your tongue. meh. [deleted]: When I was in highschool, I used to do this once a week. A few times at first it was accidental, I liked chewing pens, but I noticed that I could just ran out of class with a blue mouth and the teachers didn't give a shit. To be honest I didn't mind the taste so much. jululous: Didn't the teachers notice that this happened way too often? And also, I'm so glad this didn't happen during school. I might have died. [deleted]: I went to a public school in a bad part of my city, so they weren't the best teachers to begin with, and so long as you had a decent excuse they didn't really care too much. Don't worry about the colour too much, it'll start to fade pretty quick after a few good brushes. jululous: yeah it's mostly gone now, but thanks :). BTW, I'm surprised you didn't get ink poisoning or something :P [deleted]: When you have as many pens exploding in your mouth as I did, you learn not to swallow. ...I didn't mean that to sound so gay. StubbornGoat: But it's better gay......

1337805660

1338183095

t3_u1ks1

t5_2to41

CJ090: TIFU: Told the false story of the last time I had sex, now a full blown investigation is being conducted on the subject. So im in the military and am a pretty to myself. When people see you arent trying to be "that guy" they assume one or two things 1: you're a virgin 2: you're gay. for me it was both under the assumption. Heres how the story happens I have had a nail biting problem since childhood so to prevent that i cover my nails in clear nail hardener and let them grow so my nails are quite long. So today some douche asks me why they are long and shiny and i tell him but thats not good enough for a douche so he goes there and asks "dude are you gay" no mother fucker im not. then, because once again im not "that guy" (that guy meaning being kind of a tool objectifying women all day always talking about my need for beer) he goes and asks am i a virgin; because that is the next worst thing possible. Now i may not be a virgin BUT, my last time was almost a year ago and thats kind of embarassing so instead of saying that i say i got laid last time i was on leave. So instead of leaving it at that they start grilling me; Who is she? What does she look like? blah blah blah. To respond i use the name of a friend back home who i have not hooked up with but could of and missed my opportunity before leaving for the service. Now they want verification they want to see my facebook and her profile saying they are going to add her and ask her if we've fucked (should of said some hipster response about deleting my facebook because it got childish and pointless) but the fact remains that these guys are really into invading peoples lives and outing them for anything but i probably shouldnt have lied and told them yeah i havent been laid in almost a year, what of it. Currently Im trying to run interference by deleting her from my friends list so if they add me and look for her and see shes not there i can say oh she must of deleted me. But im hoping they just forget because they arent the smartest of people and are too concerned in other bullshit to try and out me. **UPDATE** Situation diffused crisis avoided onelovee: reminds me of high school [deleted]: if they were college material they wouldn't have joined the military as privates onelovee: meh, I have a friend who just enlisted because he's impatient

1337939682

1338864579

t3_u1l5y

t5_2to41

Vefantur: do you have an ex? do you know how scary some exes can be? Joey_Bellows: Especially a crazy ex. cfsharp_: I had a teacher in high school whose ex-gf robbed a bank. Then she went crazy and almost shot him. Joey_Bellows: My buddys ex stabbed him, he was fine had to get 5 stitches in his had but it was an interesting night, police and ambulance and the whole 9 yards.

1337803381

1337830962

t3_u1ilx

t5_2to41

WrecktheBeast: TIFU a Job interview at _______ Marketing It starts off reasonably well. At two o'clock eastern time, I leave my current place of residence to go to the interview at 2:30 pm. With the directions in hand, I hop in the driver seat of my four door dodge with broken indicators. I'm dressed to kill (i'll probably make a seperate post to r/malefashionadvice). This job is mine. Approximately forty-five minutes later, I arrive at the location. Traffic was a bitch. I'm led to a room filled with applicants, all of whom are silent. Fuck. I pick up an application and sign in. Within minutes, me and another applicant named Mike are called on. We're both led a to a room for a joint interview. I haven't finished my application. Double fuck. When the interviewer enters the room, I try to calm my frayed nerves. I end up calling him "ma'am". I didn't want that job anyway. thelunaticinthehall: was it vector marketing...? sounds similar to their interview process WrecktheBeast: lol yes. I was trying to be subtle-ish? didn't work at all did it? AnticScarab3: If it's the same Vector Marketing that I worked at, then you should probably be fine. They don't really have a limit on how many people they hire, so as long as you seem like you'd be a decent salesman, they'll hire you. WrecktheBeast: Seriously? It's that lax? AnticScarab3: If we're talking about the same Vector, yes. See, the way their business works is that sales reps (like you) generate all of their own leads by networking (calling old friends, people you went to school with, etc.) After getting in touch with people, it is then your job to sell [Cutco cutlery](http://www.cutco.com/home.jsp) to them. Since they only pay you by commission, you don't really cost them anything. And since you bring in all of the business yourself, they want to hire as many reps as possible. Obviously, they limit themselves a bit based on how many people they want to train, but it's not like "Okay, we need to find three salesmen." This time a year, they pretty much continually hire as many people as they can find. WrecktheBeast: lol nope.jpg not doing this one. AnticScarab3: It can be a bit awkward at first, but it pays well (REALLY well, if you're good at it), and it's great job experience (looks sexy on your resume). Really, Sales experience is some of the best job experience you can get. WrecktheBeast: How well did you do? AnticScarab3: I was pretty mediocre. I sold almost exactly $10,000 over the summer that I worked for them. At my office, that wasn't a whole lot. Granted, I worked at the best office in the country, so I had a lot of competition. WrecktheBeast: how much did you keep? AnticScarab3: If you sell 10k, I believe you make $2,000. That's about what I would expect to make from a part time job that I worked over the summer. Seeing as I had just graduated high school, it was probably the best job I could have hoped for. WrecktheBeast: i see. thanks for your comments man. I appreciate your help. AnticScarab3: No problem. I hope you get the job!

1337816304

1338167802

t3_u1ui7

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU I called my fiancee a cunt I'm such a piece of shit, today I royally fucked up. I called my fiancee, who is my best friend and lover fit over 7 years, a cunt. I only did this cause she wouldn't open the driver side door from the inside cause I can't from the outside. Please tell me how fucked up I am, and any suggestions to fix it? [deleted]: It's cool guy, if this is the first time in 7 years, and it sounds like it is because you're so worried, I think she'll understand you were just pissed off, because she was being a "cunt". And if she doesn't understand, then you're right anyway. HappyonaShelf: Cunt-calling aside...why would you marry someone who doesn't have the heart to open a door for you when you can't get in any other way? She was either mad at you for something else you did or is a jerk. I remember some comedian saying something about the kind of woman who will unlock the driver door for you before you have the chance to open it with a key...just sayin'. I guess that was before everyone had remote door locks... [deleted]: I would imagine she was just joking around, teasing him about not opening the door, but he just wasn't in the mood for it and lost patience. But maybe not, maybe she really was just being a cunt, I just got the feeling from the way he said it that she wasn't doing anything to warrant his harsh reply.

1337823839

1337825505

t3_u214y

t5_2to41

TheRedditSurvivalist: TIFU : Finals Fucked up. http://imgur.com/PqWrO [deleted]: ...Did you study? TheRedditSurvivalist: No, thought it was going to be on the 21st, (Monday) but it was on the 14th which is also a monday. [deleted]: Well there's your problem. As long as you learn from your mistakes. TheRedditSurvivalist: Yup.

1337843345

1337846305

t3_u2fe9

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU I put a hash-tag in Reddit Yulex2: #youmeanlikethis [deleted]: #yeahImeanlikethat #ididntintendtopostthis

1337861293

1337931843

t3_u2mxv

t5_2to41

paper_weights: TIFU: I got dirt in my eye, and promptly stuck a bleach-covered finger in there to get it out. Consequence: Ow ow fuckity ow. pdonoso: I got a better one. I was chopping some [long peppers](http://machukitchen.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/aji-amarillo.jpg) and without washing my hands went to take a pee. After trying to wash it with literally everything i had int bathroom, i decided to just lay in the floor in fetal position for around 15 minutes paper_weights: My friend, I feel your pain. I completed the Godzilla challenge in Oxford, which is [this](http://www.foodnetwork.co.uk/sites/default/files/pictures/articles/atomic-burger-close-up.jpg) motherfucker smothered in [Ghost chili](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhut_Jolokia_chili_pepper) sauce, the fifth hottest chili in the world. I vomited fiery hell three times during this challenge, and suffered equally awfully in other... orifices... never again. pdonoso: Dude WTF.... I did it by mistake, why would anyone put himself and his anus through such a pain... I really hope there are boobies involved, because there's no other excuse paper_weights: Dude... I'm a girl :P pdonoso: Well, good for you, there where boobies involved.... Now, why the fuck would you eat that? paper_weights: fuck knows, worst idea of my life. but you get a winners t-shirt if you can finish it in an hour. that's probably why SpaceSharkUhOh: Well, at least you got a t-shirt out of it. If you didn't already know, cold milk will mostly get rid of the burning. paper_weights: yeah, i drank 4 pints of milk during the challenge in order to withstand the pain, but unfortunately the sheer quantity of food + plus milk just induced all the horrific vomiting :P

1337890801

1337903512

t3_u3at2

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU I got caught by a teacher During a test I was not sure weather the country was Argentina or brazil. So i looked at the sheet of the girl sitting next to me to check. The girl next to me is very attract. After i check the answer the teacher is staring at me for 20 seconds. I finish the test and she tells me to not copy. I say i didn't copy anything (i didn't mention i checked). She says i was staring at something so if i wasn't staring at her test I must have been looking somewhere on her i shouldn't have since that's inappropriate. So she asks weather i cheated and i said no and she sighed. TLDR: Cheated off a hot girl the teacher thought i was starring at the hot girls chest thebornotaku: How about don't fucking cheat? jefftheboss: I rarely cheat thebornotaku: How about *don't fucking cheat?* jefftheboss: You've never cheated before? thebornotaku: No, because I actually *pay attention* during class. jefftheboss: You can do both thebornotaku: If you pay attention, take notes, and study, then cheating isn't necessary. Besides, it's called cheating for a reason. [deleted]: How about you learn the material, and take the test on your own merit. That way you can TEST what you know. This is the problem with America today, memorize and regurgitate. Even college is this way, and you don't *learn* anything anymore. thebornotaku: That's what I do. Now that I'm in college I don't even study anymore. I had a 50 question final the other day that took me 12 minutes and I got 46 right. I was just suggesting that the OP try taking notes and studying more because he's obviously not learning.

1337900046

1338173374

t3_u3j12

t5_2to41

meaghanhall_: TIFU by punching myself in the face (subsequent bloody nose) upon waking up. Yeah, I opened my eyes (still drowsy), thought my hand was a bee. I'm fucking terrified of bees, so in a panic, my arms flailed everywhere. I then punched myself in the nose and, due to my deviated septum, got a nosebleed. I should also mention my nose is pierced, so that's always fun. nomogoodnames: Oh you silly meaghanhall_: The worst part was, as I was cleaning up my nose, I thought to myself "that would have made a funny .gif". Kwibjo: Could you re-act it out again? meaghanhall_: Once my nose piercing is fully recovered, I'll try. I may not be able to master the look of sheer terror, though. That's reserved for *actual* bees. Kwibjo: OP will surely deliver.

1337915409

1338017914

t3_u3w2a

t5_2to41

Estranged_Noodle: TIFU: I'm severely lactose-intolerant, got super fucked up this afternoon at a work party, and my colleagues ended up convincing me to drink unpasteurized yogurt. I'm now shitting snow-white while wrenching in constant, agonizing pain Earlier_this_week: It comes out white? Estranged_Noodle: Yeah .. it's really smooth and I feel like a soft-serve machine. It's getting better though, my stool is less soft-serve soft and more ice-cream hard. Still white though IbanezDestroyerii: pics just_this_thrice: Seconded. It'd be the third time I saw someone's shit on here this week, there's no going back now. Dash275: There needs to be a /r/todayItookashit or something. gigitrix: Anypoop's welcome in /r/randomactsofpoop! (full disclosure, I moderate that shit) Dash275: I *just* watched a guy chopping his shit up. WTF. gigitrix: ...yup.

1337914646

1337995204

t3_u3ves

t5_2to41

Mrninjamonkey: TIFU: was practicing for a upcoming longboard race, broke head the week before. I have always wanted to go to a downhill longboarding competition, but my parents had always forbade me from doing it. After a year of constant reassurance that it was safe enough and I had proper skill and safety equipment they finally gave me the ok. So I began practicing on this small run near my house....without a helmet...and I fell HARD about a week before the race. I ended up knocking myself loopy and had to get 8 staples in my head. After all the work I put into this, I now am NEVER allowed to compete ever. TheWolfofMibu: There are a lot of reason why this is completely your fault. Mrninjamonkey: All the better reason to post it! I always wear it now!

1337934048

1338234014

t3_u47g6

t5_2to41

warrenlain: TIFU: Whilst driving 70MPH on the freeway, the iffy hood latch I neglected to fix for a year came undone. Picture proof of the aftermath. This thing flew up and covered my entire windshield (and by some miracle, the windshield did not crack). I eased off the accelerator and pulled to the shoulder when it was safe, driving blind the entire time. But when I got to the shoulder, it wasn't wide enough for my car and the room I needed for getting out to try to shut the hood again. Cars whizzed by, honking angrily while I thought to myself: "WTF DO YOU ALL WANT FROM ME," promptly slammed the hood down, and jumped back into my car to begin trying to merge back on the freeway in what had to have been no more than 4 seconds in that shoulder. I hoped and prayed it wouldn't happen again. Somehow, I remained calm during the actual hood-flying-up-bit. I would have said I acted like a boss but it really was my own fault. Edit: Warned by a few people to not use FB images - http://imgur.com/wWZbK mguzman011: Warren, I would really change that Facebook link into a imgur link :) warrenlain: Why's that? mguzman011: Ah, didn't even realize your name was the same as your Facebook... Well anyway, anyone can find your profile just by the link to the picture. It's just generally better/more private if you just use imgur. warrenlain: Yeah I don't really care about people knowing my name here. I like being me. ColegeProfessor: Hi Warren!

1337967596

1338579128

t3_u4rc8

t5_2to41

Estranged_Noodle: TIFU: Called my mom a nigger today and I'm white. Not only do I feel awful, but now my whole family thinks I'm racist I got into an argument with my mom today. Long story short, I got into a rage and as she screamed back at me, I called her the n-word. I immediately regret that decision because now she won't talk to me and didn't even pull the "I'm disappointed in you son;" instead, she told me that she has "never met someone so racially insensitive and disrespectful" and is in "disbelief" that she raised any of her sons that way. My heart and soul is crushed. EDIT - Still have coffee-colored poop and today was an icing on top. Sucks, my balls feel less powerful, and looking forward to a long, less-alcoholic fueled weekend. slowwwpoke: Yep, you're racist sidewalkchalked: Not necessarily. He just said nigger. That doesn't make him racist you jump to conclusion mat. njkb: He is. Or he's a casual racist at least. He didn't just *say* the word he used it as an insult towards his mother. (Even saying the word at all is still racist) His mother has it right...he is, "racially insensitive and disrespectful". MasterAndMargarita: He just got mad and said something he knew would hurt her feelings you PC numskull. Nigger is just a word, its not like Voldemort, saying it doesn't magically change your character. njkb: I don't give a shit if he just got mad. It's just a word....? Is that really your argument here? Tell that to those people whose ancestors were shot with that word being the last thing they heard. It's racist. Let that sink in, okay? Why do you want to use it so badly? Stop being such a shit hole. MasterAndMargarita: I'm sure all the black people of the world are eternally grateful to your deference to their ancestors, and pray every day for the continuance of your white man's burden to soften the blows of their oppression. Get your head out of your ass, you really think black people need you to scour the internet telling people they're bad for saying nigger? I think that as humans they can fight their own battles, bud. Why do I want to use it? Who says I do? Its a word that has a meaning and specific purpose, I don't think it needs to be censored like its some dangerous monster that causes death when uttered. Ever read Mark Twain? Have a problem with Huck saying nigger? Its a word, it shouldn't hurt your feelings, grow some balls. [deleted]: >Ever read Mark Twain? Have a problem with Huck saying nigger? OK wait just there. Do you honestly not get the difference? Mark Twain was showing how ignorant you have to be to call somebody a nigger. He was a satirist. There's a difference between a satirist and somebody who just screams nigger whenever he's pissed off. MasterAndMargarita: The guy said he felt bad about it. My point wasn't that their usages of the word was similar, just that the word itself isn't something that you can use as a dichotomy for someone being a horrible person. Hell there are racists who are nice people. [deleted]: It's good that he feels bad for being a racist, but that doesn't make it not shitty to be a racist. Also, your Mark Twain reference really made my night. It was such a blatant Hail Mary of logic that failed so badly. MasterAndMargarita: I hope you tuck yourself in good and pat yourself on the back for protecting the blacks today, bud. Internet battle won. [deleted]: Aww you're leaving already? I wanted to see some more of your analogies. Hmmph. Yeah I'm not really helping "the blacks" as much as I'm enjoying myself, making fun of you. MasterAndMargarita: Honestly, I'm participating in two similar arguments right now, so my Mark Twain thing was off mark. The kids a dumb fuck, but he's talking to his mom, got mad and tried to hurt her feelings as bad as possible. He is not the anti christ for saying nigger. [deleted]: Nah, the anti christ isn't a real thing. But racist shitheads are. Hopefully he takes this time to really take a look at himself and his prejudices. It could be a turning point. But come on, if the worst possible thing in your mind is automatically a slur used to dehumanize black people for hundreds of years, that's pretty racist. MasterAndMargarita: Not necessarily, but I can't really think of a more awful way to insult your own mother than calling her a nigger. People are assholes when they're upset, everybody's been there. [deleted]: People literally got shot because of the hate of the word...so let's constantly remind people of the word and its strict hateful definition instead of taking the meaning away from it. That's what you are dealing with right now. You can't argue your way out of it. [deleted]: How do you "take the meaning away from it" without devaluing the history of racial oppression in this country (assuming you're American)? [deleted]: Because it becomes to mean something else. You take the power from it people wanted to give to it, instead of trying to enforce its power. [deleted]: The power of the word doesn't come from it's literal meaning, it comes from the fact that the word is inextricably connected to centuries of racial oppression. The N-word is *the* symbol of racial oppression in this country, *that* will never change no matter what new meanings people try and give the word. You can't say that white people using the N-word isn't racist without saying that those centuries of racial oppression aren't a big deal. [deleted]: It has a history behind it, but that doesn't mean its use will always harken to its history. [deleted]: *Yes, it does.* That "history" you speak of so dismissively is the racist oppression of black people that has held the black community in this country for centuries and continues to disadvantage them to this day. That is *always* part of the context of a white person using the word and it is a *big fucking deal*. [deleted]: SNo, its not, it is just a word. Black people have already started taking the meaning out of the word by turning it into a term of endearment. A cop calling an innocent black man *nigger* is an example of the racism you discuss, and highlights a serious issue. Some kid calling his mom *nigger* is not playing to years of racism, it is someone using a bad word to offend someone else. [deleted]: Black people reclaiming the word is a source of empowerment. They take a word with this context of racial oppression make it their own as a "fuck you" to that oppression. That context of oppression is still there, but the meaning of it changes because it is a member of the oppressed group using it, not a member of the oppressing group. A white person who uses that word for any reason is acting in a racist manner because they are part of the oppressing group, not the oppressed group. But beyond that, > Some kid calling his mom nigger is not playing to years of racism, it is someone using a bad word to offend someone else. That kid is trying to offend his mother by essentially calling her a black person by using a word that has been used by white people for hundreds of years a a slur targeting black people. That is undeniably racist. [deleted]: >Black people reclaiming the word is a source of empowerment. They take a word with this context of racial oppression make it their own as a "fuck you" to that oppression. That context of oppression is still there, but the meaning of it changes because it is a member of the oppressed group using it, not a member of the oppressing group. A white person who uses that word for any reason is acting in a racist manner because they are part of the oppressing group, not the oppressed group. Do you think most people throwing around casual "niggas" are doing so as a means of empowerment? Or because it is just a word they use as endearment? >That kid is trying to offend his mother by essentially calling her a black person by using a word that has been used by white people for hundreds of years a a slur targeting black people. That is undeniably racist. No, he is taking an offensive word and using it against her. It isn't that he is trying to call her black, he is trying to drum up an extremely offensive word and use it against her. And as this thread shows, people are maintaining the offensiveness of the word by making it so forbidden. That's why it is being used, not racism. [deleted]: >Do you think most people throwing around casual "niggas" are doing so as a means of empowerment? Or because it is just a word they use as endearment? Who gives a shit why individuals use the word on an individual basis? The community as a whole has reclaimed the word as a means of empowerment. >That's why it is being used, not racism. I don't give a shit *why* he used it, his intent doesn't fucking matter. He used a racist slur to insult someone, that is a racist action, if he refuses to stop doing it or thinks theres nothing wrong with using racist slurs, that makes him a racist. I'm done with this. [deleted]: Agree to disagree then. You can't say "its a means of empowerment" when they are just using it, and you can't say "it was racist" when he didn't have racist intentions. Meanings evolve.

1337990003

1338064972

t3_u5a3t

t5_2to41

m0lly: TIFU: Dumped a girl's mom's ashes... TIFU: I was messing around with her necklaces for awhile, looking at one that was half heart with "friend" on it...she knew I was playing with her necklaces cuz I was doing it for awhile...then I saw her locket, I thought there might be a cute picture of her and her boyfriend in it or something. It was oddly hard to open, so I worked at it for awhile and got it open. This grey powdery stuff fell out. I asked her what it was. She stared at me for a good 2 minutes, then told me that they were her mom's ashes. I said sorry about 50 times. Then she hugged me and left. TL;DR: I was messing around with her necklaces and unknowingly pried open the locket containing her mother's ashes. Sprinkles2009: Wearing a necklace with dead moms ashes, not creepy at all. ShivaNZ: I dunno, I intend to turn my Mother and husband into diamond jewellery.. Mummy can be earrings, hubby can be a necklace. poorchris: Let's hope you're not too eager to have a few new accessories. ShivaNZ: XD they're both old, it won't be long ;) .... I'm a terrible person. Yaaf: How do you know you'll outlive your husband? ShivaNZ: He's got sixteen years and health problems on twenty two year old vegan me... We assume it'll go that way. Yaaf: He's got 16 years left to live? ShivaNZ: XD he's sixteen years older than me Yaaf: Ah, so you, a 22 year old girl, are married to a 38 year old guy? When did you guys meet? ShivaNZ: Soon to be married. We're old friends. When his marriage ended I was there as a friend because I cared and we ended up figuring out that we were perfect together. I get my best friend and beautiful kids :) Yaaf: So you've been old friends huh? Since you were 15? Assuming old friends + time for you to have grown close enough to get married. ShivaNZ: Not quite sure why you're judging... Despite how old we physically are, we're both children pretending to be adults and that's alright with us. Yaaf: I wish you all the happiness in the world :) ShivaNZ: Thank you :)

1338005662

1338020261

t3_u5kng

t5_2to41

[deleted]: tifu: I spent $167 on computer parts and a game just to find out I can't play it. I spent all of the money I've had saved up to upgrade my computers [video card](http://www.evga.com/products/moreInfo.asp?pn=01G-P3-1526-KR&family=GeForce%20500%20Series%20Family&sw=) and [ram](http://www.newegg.com/Product/Product.aspx?Item=N82E16820145184&Tpk=N82E16820145184) and then purchased Diablo 3 just to find this [list](http://us.battle.net/d3/en/forum/topic/4903441037) [deleted]: I don't see anywhere on there that the GT 520 is listed. Link1589: The GT Series is listed [deleted]: Then I must be missing it, and if the GT series was listed a majority of people would be screwed i have a GT 560TI. I think you need to reread the list, the only Nvidia card that has GT in it is the 7300. Link1589: WELP, tifu: and misread something then posted in on reddit just to get saved. Thank you blackice, i really appreciate it. :D stalker7d7: dafuq? You didn't even try before giving up? Really? Link1589: It's en route and wont be here til Tuesday. I'm also young and naive which leads to me jumping to conclusions. stalker7d7: Makes sense.

1338056727

1344599922

t3_u68q8

t5_2to41

RancidPonyMilk: TIFU: fingered girlfriend after eating ghost-pepper infused hot wings, then she made me fuck her, god the pain It had been at least 30-40 minutes after and i had washed my hands but apparently that naga jolokia oil stays with you for hours. Things got a little "hot" later on and started fingering her and she started screaming and unzipped my pants and told me to fuck her. She didn't tell me she was in pain at first. Started burning like hell but I still had to come and led to a pretty intense orgasm. However I'm sure some of the oil got into my pee hole and we've both been contemplating suicide as we're all out of percocet. tl;dr: fingered gf with hot pepper oil on fingers, she returned the favor by getting it on my dick by making me fuck her. super fucking painful. my neighbors probably think we're filming a porno with all the screaming and moaning KixStar: My vagina just begged me for a glass of milk after reading this. Procrasturbator11235: what. the fuck. KixStar: lol. I posted this 2 months ago. The WTF is pointed in your direction, sir/madam. Procrasturbator11235: Sir lol. *My vagina just begged for a glass of milk after reading this* I just don't know what to make of this post. Haha I don't know what to say... KixStar: Well, you're welcome for flabbergasting you. Procrasturbator11235: I was more hoping for an explanation. KixStar: OP fingered his girlfriend with oil from the world's hottest pepper on his fingers. Milk neutralizes spiciness. Ergo, my vagina wants a glass of milk because it thought about how much that might burn. Procrasturbator11235: Still not changing your "Chick With Milky Vagina" tag ;p lol. KixStar: Meh, it's cool. I'll consider it an honor. There are pornos centered around shooting milk in vaginas. Wait.... wut? Procrasturbator11235: I was about to say wait wut? But then you said it. -_- In all my years of watching pornos... KixStar: Expand your horizons. There's all kinds of weird shit out there. Procrasturbator11235: an example being... KixStar: lol. That's for you to find yourself. Look up "milk vagina" or something. I think I'm done with this awkward conversation. Good luck in your porn endeavors.

1338065580

1338111747

t3_u6ey4

t5_2to41

aimlessinwonder: TIFU by knowingly letting my friend get eaten out by a guy that had just vomited I felt to awkward to interrupt their alone time to tell her that I had just found out he puked so I let it happen. I'm an awful person. excited_by_typos: Assuming the dude rinsed his mouth out afterwards (assuming he was in a bathroom), whatever. MySperm: with the toilet water

1338084877

1339555895

t3_u6rmh

t5_2to41

supernova1331: TIFU: Complimented one of the girls in our school's drama club on her fake self-injury makeup. The cuts were real. We were at Illinois High School Theaterfest (this happened a while back but I'm just now posting it). She had just got out of a horror movie makeup class and had plenty of fake injuries. I apologized profusely; she still hasn't spoken to me though. [deleted]: Upvotes for the Illinois High School Theaterfest =) anyone involved with theater in high school (esp. in IL) gets my upvote~ supernova1331: Cool! were you in it too? [deleted]: Haha no. Our high school's speech team (which I was on for a couple of years) went there every year, so I'm happy to see someone at the festival, even though you did a TIFU. XD [deleted]: My school does the Illinois theaterfest too :o [deleted]: Hurray for theatre in high schools =]

1338103042

1338161813

t3_u71tt

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU - dropped a table on my foot, then proceeded to break my car key which resulted in me limping my way home from work after a 14 hour shift. W0RLDWAR2: How did you break your key? And im sorry that sucks dick. Im really sorry you had to go through that [deleted]: I'm not too sure. It didn't break in the lock, it was just broken when I pulled it out my pocket. W0RLDWAR2: Thaaaaaaaaats weird. Fuck magical breaking keys dude, that sucks! [deleted]: One possible explanation is that it got broke when i dropped the table. W0RLDWAR2: Maybe, still weird though

1338112672

1338449334

t3_u74s9

t5_2to41

kungPOWchickeen: TIFU almost got caught during sexy time by my gf's sisters Im 20 and my gf is 19.. sexy time had started and everything was cool... we decided that for a change we would do it somewhere else other than the bedroom so we got going in the living room. fully naked and finished the foreplay just about to insert then the front door opens.. me being a man with quick reactions pushed her on the floor and got dressed in about 2 seconds, meanwhile gf ran off to hide in the bathroom (with no clothes).. they walked in and knew exactly what was happening then to my embarrassment her eldest sister nicely pointed out that my tshirt was inside out. excellent! JonnE-The-Brony: I've seen enough porn to know where this is going.... OP, was there any aftermath? kungPOWchickeen: aha no they were fine with it.. just said we all been caught once and left it there. atleast it wasnt her dad! mmartinez42793: Your gf's family sounds chill kungPOWchickeen: yeah they are pretty chill.. slightly older sister was like yeah its cool ive been caught by my dad like 3 times.. **FUCK THAT!**

1338114041

1338287132

t3_u755j

t5_2to41

Tohroe: TIFU: I tried to put out a fire with 130 proof rum. A few coals fell off a barbecue onto the dry, leafy ground around it. I panicked a little (I'm really not good in situations such as these), and grabbed the nearest liquid to put it out, which just so happened to have a *very* high alcohol content. Went up in flames quite beautifully until my friend poured some water on it and stamped it out. dguv22: This is definitely funny as I imagine it in my mind Maskeus: I imagined him as a pirate. Tohroe: I'm a girl, but I did dress up as a pirate *a lot* when I was a kid, so it's not entirely inaccurate. Kamaroth: Yar har, fiddle di dee. Things that are alight, are scary to me. Put it out with some rum; it was all I could see. You are a pirate. EDIT: A pirate who likes to change narratives, rather. Tohroe: Shit. I laughed way too hard at that.

1338131226

1338198340

t3_u7bje

t5_2to41

galico: TIFU: Drank my Mum's 30+ year old whisky Actually, last night I fucked up. '86 bottle of Famous Old Grouse mostly gone. It gets better though, she won the bottle in the height of her horse racing career for racing for England. Dope. Argle: http://www.whisky.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8041 TheMightyCreep: I have no idea why but my IP address is banned. Someone in this household has been having fun over there, it seems. Guess I'll just proxy it, whatever. thirty-nine: OP: >does whiskey still age in the bottle? open or sealed? Reply: >Spirits essentially never gain anything from being in a bottle. There are a rare few bottlings that do have benefits from aging (mostly brandy-based), however those are difficult to find and these days only come from small distillers. TheMightyCreep: Me: >Guess I'll just proxy it, whatever. thirty-nine: Thought it wouldn't hurt to help anybody else experiencing IP issues, or if you were unable to proxy for whatever reason. TheMightyCreep: AFAIK nobody else reported issues and I didn't exactly ask for help either. gloves_off: Stop being a douche. TheMightyCreep: Sorry, I'm just used to being independent and I generally get irritated when someone helps me with such an "easy" issue. It just makes me feel like people think I'm dumb. (this is not me trying to further respond like a dick but a hopefully legitimate apology) [deleted]: Aw, you're like us when we were 5. "NO, I CAN DO IT ON MY OWN!!!" TheMightyCreep: However you wish to put it.

1338161830

1338251307

t3_u7wop

t5_2to41

strappingyoungpeople: TIFU by leaving a vibrator in too long, lost the cord in my anus, then had to poop it out and clean it off in a public restroom Igneous_Schist: To clear up, add flavor (oh god that phrasing), and help you understand. We were having afternoon sexy-times, both of us were experimenting with Anal (fingers and toys with loads of lube) and pleasing each other. After a messy time we washed up and went around town. The toy she had inside of her was a tiny vibrating bullet, the string was too short (we fixed that now!) So after a couple apparently pleasant hours of a buzzing bum. Nature called, it was stuck, so the only was out was to push it out, a messy affair in total. But sometimes you just have to laugh or you'll gag. strappingyoungpeople: ^ And this is why he is the best boyfriend in the world. <3 i_am_sad: At least you managed to poop that out. If my time on the internet has anything to do with anything (and it does) then I'd say you are very very lucky that a nice young doctor didn't have to fish it out for you during surgery on your anus. NEVER let things go completely inside of your anus, at all costs. Things get stuck a lot, that's why anal plugs have a thick base, so they can be pulled out. EDIT: Also, you should experiment with cameras, /r/gonewild needs more m+f phyreseed: >/r/gonewild needs more m+f Good god, please. "I'm totally shy and I'll give you more pictures if you upvote me". Camwhores. FUCKRADIOHEAD: It is more like "I'm a bit shy but here is 20 photos of my twat". IceK1ng: [f]irst time, a little shy... BUT HERE ARE MY FALLOPIAN TUBES! friendliest_giant: You mean [f]irst time, very shy and virgin...BUT HERE ARE MY EGGS

1338150368

1338163095

t3_u7oib

t5_2to41

ineedtousespaces: TIFU: Heard about how I tried to punch a friend in the face while drunk. I'm a pretty mild-mannered guy when sober and drunk. But, apparently last night I was so gone that I don't remember leaving the club, don't remember climbing upstairs into my female friend's apartment and bedroom, and don't remember trying to punch a male friend in the face while they were moving me from my friend's room into the living room so she could go to sleep. Apparently I was inches away from his face because he felt the wind from my swinging fist. The one girl I like was there and she was shocked, saying, "I've never seen you like that." Strike one. The guy I tried to punch was supposedly fine with me the next day after realizing how wasted I was and "forgave" me; he doesn't respond to my texts about hanging out or working out anymore. Strike two. I feel like a douchebag for having done that and it's my fault, but, knowing people look at me differently is destroying my psyche. Strike three. Don't tell me I'm the only one to have done this, right? *smh* scrubcity25: My buddy is normally really chill and fun to hang out with but when he gets drunk he takes a turn for the worst... He thinks he knows everything and is just the most annoying kid on the planet. So I was already irritated with him and he randomly called me a name which put me over the edge. So I punched him and we fought and I whooped his ass and the next day it was okay :) jimb0ner: Moral of the story: your friends will get over it; they're being dramatic douches if they're judging you based on this one incident. They'll be back don't worry

1338167455

1338249925

t3_u80lg

t5_2to41

Helwyr: TIFU: Learned the hard way how hot Icyhot really is I'm not gonna lie, I did it out of 80% curiosity, 20% an accident. I got what I thought was a small amount, and put it on myself in a nonsensitive area. That wasn't bad at all. In fact, I didn't really even feel it. So then I got to wondering, what would happen if I put a little bit on my balls? I'll tell you what happens- PAIN HAPPENS. For the first 15 seconds or so, it was a warm sensation that was a bit uncomfortable, but it was manageable. After that came a searing pain that can only be described as pouring lighter fluid on my junk and lighting a match. Immediately I started freaking out and ran to my shower, hoping that it it would feel better. I tried washing it off, but the damn stuff was already on my skin, so there wasn't much that I could do about it. I discovered that cold water made it feel a bit better, so I spent a good hour and a half in a freezing cold shower with my nuts on fire. tldr: Icyhot burns like HELL in sensitive areas bleedgr33n: I once got my little step brother to put after shave on his balls. I can't remember what we said to get him to, but the after ensued like...... **FUCK FUCK FUCK**, and he ran around the house like this for a good few minutes. By far one of the funniest things I've seen, and I didn't feel an ounce of bad. Also, I hated the kid, so that helps. Sandbox47: Yea, we all hated him. >:) Silly kid. He's cool with us now though. bleedgr33n: He's dead now.... Sandbox47: inb4 zombie cool kid? bleedgr33n: Wut?

1338165871

1338258411

t3_u7zg6

t5_2to41

throwinglemons: TIFU: Took 2 hits of acid and woke up in the hospital because I had had a seizure. [deleted]: And hopefully today was the day you realized that drugs are never worth the trouble. iDunTrollBro: No, drugs are fine. You just can't be dumb when you take them. People that overestimate themselves and their own thresholds are the problem - not responsible users. Acid can be quite an enlightening trip, you just have to make sure you're ready for it. throwinglemons: I've taken acid before, in fact I've taken more than I did when I had a seizure. So I don't believe that I somehow caused the seizure by "not being ready." Pretty sure the problem was that throughout my entire trip I was seeing a strobe light. (Not in real life of course.) ionine: lots of fake shit going around. might've been substituted amphetamines like DOB or DOM

1338175688

1338177289

t3_u86j2

t5_2to41

Mike_Hawksbigg: TIFU by joing reddit. I can tell tonight is gonna be a long night guys. Good thing i dont go in till 4 tomorrow. TheWolfofMibu: You get no karma from self-posts. Mike_Hawksbigg: wasn't my intention, I just could find out how to edit the title asnof: >wasn't my intention, I just could find out how to edit the title Wasn't my intention, I just wish I could find out how to edit the title Theres another one, the grammar nazi's could have jailed you. Seeing as its your first day and all I think I will let you off with a warning. Also, welcome to the end of your social life. :) Mike_Hawksbigg: damn it. I didn't catch that one.. but thank you officer!

1338175197

1338284738

t3_u8666

t5_2to41

nobutreallybro: TIFU my cover letter by sending it with a typo. I'm applying for an editorial position. I'm pretty sure that is an instant disqualifier. TheWolfofMibu: Even if wasn't for an editorial position, many businesses that receive many applications will automatically toss ones with spelling errors. nobutreallybro: Exactly... it's just especially bad to claim I have excellent editing skills, and then fuck up in the next paragraph. Whoops. n2xo: Maybe you can play it off as having a sense of humor

1338181758

1338677549

t3_u8asv

t5_2to41

warrenlain: TIFU: Did not realize cupholders in cars are not for actual cups without lids. Looked down to grab this cup of milk to go with my brownie, and in making sure it did not spill, I rear-ended someone whilst going 30MPH. Needless to say, there was milk all over my dashboard. Since I just discovered TIFU, I thought I would be honest and say this happened 9 years ago. jferron23: Wow. That's the only fuck up you've made in nine years? I'm impressed. GMFK: agreed. It was darwin who fucked up this time.

1338184800

1338275152

t3_u8cp3

t5_2to41

calbalcrf80: how i lost my father 180,000 dollars mdax8414: These things can be repaired with explanations. Usually a good "my son is a royal fucktard and telemarketers are assholes" is sufficient. Most fathers can relate to that on some degree. There will be other buyers otherwise. ScrubTutor: I donno man, people who are paying $180,000 for something can get pretty ornery over very little. mdax8414: This is true, but at least his father still has the product to move. I wonder what it is. "Product" sounds like illicit substances >.> Spk4420: I was just thinking that. calbalcrf80: it was kitchens and shelving and stair cases.

1338230442

1338711509

t3_u91ku

t5_2to41

Zebedy: Bike wouldn't start, pulled every fuse, swapped every relay, uninstalled alarm, shorted out fuel pump, arranged pick up collection for feked ECU... flicked kill switch back on - oops!! kipperfish: hahaha...it happens to the best of us. i once called my dad to come out with a trailer and pick me up, i was about an hour from home...he arrived, and saw the killswitch was off. i felt like a dick. but then, i still find it funny to flick other peoples killswitch as i walk by there bikes, then sit somewhere nearby and watch the spectacle. [deleted]: Holy shit why have I never thought of this Lewie_Goin_Krazy: http://i.imgur.com/2Ify8.gif

1338237778

1338252329

t3_u97n0

t5_2to41

searspoop: TIFU and took a shit in sears...but I wasn't in the restroom. Today I enjoyed a nice coffee at home and departed for the mall. At the mall I had a chicken sandwich, with a packet of Texas Pete hot sauce; it was delicious. Not 15 minutes later, I'm standing in the electronics section of Sears, texting my friend. I feel a bit of warmth in my ass; I figure I have farted a bit and am feeling the warmth of the gas. I then realize that I also simultaneously heard a soft *plop*. Glancing over my shoulder I see a 4 inch diameter puddle of brown liquid, my 100% liquid shit. Assuming that the warmth in my ass is more shit, I rush to the bahtroom, which (thank god) was just around the corner and empty. It takes me fewer than 5 seconds to get to the restroom. In the restroom I free my right leg from my wide legged cargo shorts, thankfully there is only a small smattering of liquid on my calf, which I wipe off. I also wipe a small dime-sized wet spot off of my fortunately black shorts. Sitting on the toilet now, I decide to try to shit, even though I don't feel like I have to. I proceed to diarrhea much more than expected. I wipe my wet ass and then start to decide what I should do. I can't just leave the shit there like [this person did](http://imgur.com/3aOVx.gif), can I? Less than a minute has passed since the accident. This bathroom is only equipped with a blow dryer, so I grab a large wad of toilet paper and shove it in my pocket. I don't wash my hands, there's no time to waste and wet hands would just weaken the toilet paper. I exit the bathroom, determined to clean this up as quickly as possibe, but also determined not to fess up to it if someone was already cleaning. I definitley would have just kept walking if someone was there. Thankfully for everyone, nobody was there. I quickly stoop down and wipe the liquid up, it is almost entirely soaked up by the toilet paper. In my head I formulated a story saying that I accidentally spat some chewing tobacco spit out. Saying I had vomited after eating chocolate would probably have been a better excuse. 98.5% of the liquid is now in the toilet paper wad in my hands. I speed walk the 20 feet to the rest room, walking past two people whom I hope did not see any of this. I toss the wadded toilet paper in the toilet, and take another unexpected shit. I realize that while my legs, shoes, and shorts are clean, my boxers are not. They are wet. I ditch the boxers and throw them away in the trash can in the bathroom. I then take a slow, agonizing trip up the escalator, and promptly exit Sears. I'll never know if the announcements of "Jay, call 266" were in relation to my shit or not. Once completely clear of that half of the mall, I finish the text to my friend and enjoy the rest of my shopping commando. **TL;DR** I shit on the floor of sears and cleaned it up. [deleted]: Why did you just buy a pair of shorts and some boxers? Sears does sell clothes. brizket: Then he would have to walk to the clothing section, find shorts and boxers, then walk to checkout and pay, then back to the bathroom, all smelling like and leaking shit. Throwing away a pair of boxers is much less humiliating. [deleted]: Not really, grab some shorts and boxers, run back to the bathroom, explain what happened and then pay. brizket: Explaining what happened to a store worker is even more humiliating... [deleted]: He'll most likely never see them again anyway. brizket: That doesn't change the fact he would have to walk up to someone and say "Hi, I just shit my pants back there, and wiped it up off the floor. I threw my shit pants away in the bathroom, and put these on from your Men's Clothing section. I would now like to pay for them."

1338239782

1338253734

t3_u99ah

t5_2to41

AWildCharizard: TIFU when trying to make a Plushie TIFU: I went to go use my Old as shit iron for this plush I am making of Big Macintosh, from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and as soon as I turned it on the lowest setting the damn thing turned into a blow torch in my hands, and I burnt my thumb. The connecting cord to the iron had just blown up, and I guess was spewing the electrical current everywhere and the spark made some sort of flame, and then before I could pull the plug or turn it off it stopped. Scared the shit out of me, and after a few moments of yanking the cord out of the wall and calming myself, I took it straight to the garbage. I am lucky not to have been electrocuted, or caught fire to my clothes or apartment. Just figured I would share my fuck up for the day. TLDR: I tried to use my iron for a plush I am making, and it turned into a blowtorch, and scared the shit out of me and burnt my thumb. Thanks Reddit. <3 BlueBob-Omb: Saw Plushie, knew it was an MLP one. Are we the only fandom to use the word Plushie or something? AWildCharizard: I don't think so. After I got into Anime, "Plushies" have been real popular. And ever since, I've referred any stuffed thing as "Plushie". Unless they have a name then I just call them by the name. Lol [deleted]: Love the MLP though...

1338257133

1338322053

t3_u9n7y

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU: Fought the police, punched a man in the face, and attempted suicide Deleted because as someone said this is more of a shit show than a fuck up. NarcoticNarcosis: If I hadn't been in a totally different, but similarly outrageous situation, I wouldn't believe you. ratchet1106: Care to share? NarcoticNarcosis: This is a long read, but there's some rather essential backstory. Brisbane, Australia. Late August 2009. A few months before, I met a guy from there on the internet, and we became fast friends. In June of that same year, I signed my enlistment papers in an ill advised and foolhardy attempt at building a future with my then-girlfriend of 1.5 years. Ten days after I sign, She breaks up with me. My buddy in Australia is having girl problems of his own. Somehow, we end up getting our respective families on board with the idea of me flying over there and visiting for a couple of weeks. Keep in mind that I'm single, 19 (legally able to drink over there), and I'm signing my life away to the US gov't for the next 8 years. Also, this all took place over the course of about 2-2.5 hours. Three days after I arrive, we go out drinking. We meet with some of his best friend's coworkers. All goes well at first, but then I finish my 3rd pint and first shot of Jack. This is where it gets fun. I grab another pint and start chatting with some of the girls. Well, less chatting and more propositioning. "I would fuck your brains out" is probably the most eloquent thing I said. eventually one of the guys came up to me and told me that one of the girls I was speaking to was his fiancée. I excuse myself, finish my pint, grab another one and another shot of Jack and go outside to have a cigarette with my friend. He's talking with another girl who he apparently goes to church with. And then this gem stumbles out of my mouth: "Hi, I'm _____. I think your religion is awesome. I would fuck your brains out". My friend and I left shortly afterward. He was arguably as drunk as I was, so we kind of carried each other back to his house. He dropped me twice. So once we get back to his house, we get chewed out a bit by his dad, (who had explicitly stated before I left the States that we weren't to go and get so absolutely plastered). We apologized as profusely as two drunk teenagers could, went out back for a smoke. I puked on the back lawn. Their dog never went near that spot for the rest of my stay. I went inside, and hugged the toilet for 15 minutes or so. Then went to bed. In the morning, I woke up to a rather pervasive dampness. I think I was still a little drunk too. Anyway, it turns out that in my highly inebriated state, I pissed the bed. I still have no idea why his folks didn't kick me out. Needless to say, due to this and one other incident, I'm terrified of ever going to Queensland again out of pure shame. My friend and I Still talk, so that's all good. But damn, if I wasn't an idiot. ratchet1106: Great story! Laughed for a good minute *at your very persuasive attempts to get laid. And great writing; very fluid :) NarcoticNarcosis: I thought it was pretty scatterbrained, tbqh. thanks though. Glad you enjoyed it. the double post has been rectified. ratchet1106: Yeah, on a serious note though, people like us should avoid getting plastered... It turned me into a completely different person. And I wasn't laughing at the beginning part, I'm sorry for all that occurred before the drunken part I was commenting on. How did you sign up for 8 years? I thought it was 4? And what branch? NarcoticNarcosis: No, you sign up to do X amount of years on active duty. The remainder is spent in a pool of sorts, and they can call you up at any time they want in those years after your active service as long as the time from your initial entry isn't more than 8 years. It's called the Individual Ready Reserve. Remember the whole Stop-Lossing crap? Yeah, that's how they were able to do that. That's why it's important to read what you sign. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stop-loss_policy I personally enlisted in the Army. I didn't make it through Basic Training. and there's no need to apologize. It wasn't your fault.

1338310718

1338311863

t3_uak4x

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU: End of high school drunken fuck up. Well, I graduated high school a few days ago. Summer has just started. Last night I got a call from one of my buddies, inviting a bunch of friends and I to our usual spot in the woods where we chill. When I arrived I saw that we had a 5'th of rum, and some beer. I was really disappointed that there was no weed.( I'm not much of a drinker, but I'm no stranger to alcohol. I usually just toke.) So I'm drunk as fuck, and I realize I was supposed to be home an hour ago. I try telling my friends that I have to leave, but they refused to let me drive. I ended up sneaking away from them, and got in the car. I made the 10 minute drive home just fine. Its all a blur to me now. I came home confused as hell, and didn't know what to tell my parents. I had to use the bathroom. Somehow I found myself sitting on the floor in my parents closet, about to relieve myself... My dad got me up and pointed me to the bathroom. I'm still waiting for my father to get home, and tell me my punishment. I'm fucked.But I deserve whatever I get. I feel really fucking guilty. I could have killed someone last night driving. I could have killed myself. I'm an irresponsible little fuck. Usually I have a really good handle on myself, but I lost it last night. Reddit, Today I fucked up. TLDR: Got wasted, drove home drunk as fuck, almost pooped in parents closet. beenhard33: ride a bike nigga Squeakopotamus: Can still get a ticket for it, at least in CA. Check your local vehicle code for the rules. [CA VC on biking under the influence](http://www.dmv.ca.gov/pubs/vctop/d11/vc21200_5.htm)

1338306865

1338317082

t3_uagwu

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU: Went on vacation for a week the freezer was left a little open chicken went bad. Lets just say it doesn't smell pleasant in here. Recuse: Clean out the freezer, clean it well, and sprinkle it with baking soda, and leave for a couple hours. Open windows. :( Sorry about the chicken, Hope you had an excellent vacation. Mase12: Thank you so much for the tip going to go buy baking soda in a bit. It was a good vacation thanks!

1338314724

1338394405

t3_uanpi

t5_2to41

sabertooth66: TIFU. Fell asleep during a haircut and let out a terrible fart. Chaos ensued. I got let out of work early today so decided to get a haircut. Luckily the woman who has been cutting my hair for two years was there. She offered to wash my hair which I knew might knock me out, but it's my favorite part of a haircut. Sure enough I fell asleep just long enough to accidentally let out an awful fart. Eating McDonald's for breakfast AND lunch is an unkind thing to do to your stomach. I woke up in time to see my hairdresser holding a hand over her mouth and gagging loudly. I still had no idea what was happening. But then I smelled it and knew what had happened. Within seconds she had puked all over the floor. The other woman working in the store came over to help her out but also started gagging at the sight of puke. They both went into the back room to gather themselves. I left her a tip for washing my hair and slipped out of the building as quickly as I could. My hair was still wet, and I still need a haircut. lukedoyle24: McDonald's for breakfast AND lunch? sabertooth66: Never again. nrfx: Man, you gotta mix it up. McDonalds for breakfast, Arbys for lunch. [deleted]: Chipotle for dinner, taco bell for fourth meal. Broviet: McDonalds for breakfast Arbys for lunch Chipotle for dinner Taco Bell for fourth meal Diabetes for Christmas n52te: I smell a new diet. TheBeardlessSquirrel: I smell new organs. IVEGOTA-D-H-D-WHOOO: I smell fried eggs because I'm having a stroke.

1338317995

1338325481

t3_uaqlc

t5_2to41

kinda_alone: TIFU: Roasted some peppers, ate one off the grill. I decided to try a new recipe for roasting peppers today. Since I had never roasted peppers before, I could not tell if they were getting close to being done or not. So I decided to try one. My dumbass brain temporarily shut off and I ate one straight off the grill without letting it cool. My mouth immediately blistered, and I now can barely open it. It hurts. It fucking hurts. **tl:dr** Ate a pepper before it cooled. Burnt the shit out of my mouth. HeadxDMC: Coat your mouth in sugar and let it sit for a minute. Rinse your mouth out and you'll feel loads better. There's science behind why it works, I don't have that info, but it works. kinda_alone: Thanks man

1338332577

1338454742

t3_ub4m2

t5_2to41

BearSole: TIFU, I was working on my Photoshop portion of my Photography final with 5 minutes left in class, and instead of deleting a layer, I deleted the entire picture. Dunno what's gonna happen now, the teacher said "I won't count you off". I either get a 50 or 100 on the final. Grade is teetering on ambiguous wording. Edit: I couldn't control+z it, as hard as I tried, because I accidentally closed the picture somehow and it wouldn't undo. Regardless of whether or not I deleted/closed it, whatever, I couldn't fix it or undo it and it still sucks. Update: Teacher is the best ever, just passed out 100's to everybody in the class, including me. Sweet, I don't fail Photography :D tronncat: Ctrl Z? BearSole: I forgot to mention that it asked me if I wanted to save and I said no out of habit of deleting a layer that I past+cut+deleted, so I couldn't undo it. Fucking sucks, I wish I could've just Ctrl+Z'd it. [deleted]: ctrl + alt + z? BearSole: What does that do? [deleted]: Can keep undoing not just one time. ArtimecZeus: If I had known that, I'd be the equivalent of Picasso by now.

1338332425

1338349164

t3_ub4gs

t5_2to41

Zebedy: TIFU by putting up a post about being an arse and not putting TIFU at the start biitchhplease: Do British people think the word "ass" looks weird? Because I'm American and I can't over how awkward the word "arse" looks. Whenever I read it I picture a seal in my head going "arrs-arrs-arrs." But I might just be kind of insane. violencewithin: This.

1338379390

1338424147

t3_ubzjc

t5_2to41

throwawayyourdignity: TIFU: I took liquid paraffin and now my anus is an uncontrollable leaking mess. Two nights ago I took liquid paraffin (it's supposed to be a laxative, had a bit of trouble 'going') and the next morning there was still nothing. So I researched some more and took a slightly higher dosage as I figured I don't have work until the weekend, it'll be okay. This morning I woke up and everything seemed fine, I ended up getting called into work as other employees were sick. I got to work and was half an hour into my shift when I noticed an odd feeling in my pants. I ignored it and let out some gas. It instantly felt like I shit my pants. I rushed to the toilet and pulled down my pants to this yellow liquid. I what the fucked for like five minutes before I realised I still had a few hours of my shift to go. The only solution I had to solve this problem was to shove toilet paper in my panties and hope for the best. After I finished work, I went back to the bathroom and tried to poop. [This is all that came out](http://i.imgur.com/1IYm0.jpg) It's been two days and I still haven't 'pooped'. EDIT: I just woke up to three days of no poop and wow, so many comments! My most successful reddit post ever is on my throwaway and is a tifu post, yay! [deleted]: I don't know why I opened that picture. [deleted]: I ate about 10 minutes ago, and I don't know why I clicked it. I never feel sick after looking at gross pictures. Now I feel like I am going to puke. Dear god why?!? gef21: I am currently eating a Pot Noodle, the two look incredibly similar! [deleted]: I think knowing it came out of a female made it worse. Girls don't poop. violencewithin: now we have proof [deleted]: [NOOOOOO!!!](http://www.nooooooooooooooo.com/)

1338390187

1338409897

t3_uc6bz

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU. I got put in Internal Excision in school for one lesson and I lost my entitlement as a mentor. I have a problem with wearing spare PE kit, I got into an argument with my PE teacher because I was not the only one refusing to wear the spare kit but I was the only one in trouble. I got sent to IE where I got into another argument because I was annoyed and the teacher inside the class was having a go at me. Needless to say, I have no lost my rights to become a mentor. safebrowseatwork: am i the only one who has no clue what the fuck this dude is on about? z0mbiee: In highschool we have a thing called motoring, I got chosen for it but lost the entitlement because I was effectively not conforming to rules. safebrowseatwork: Bad news bears, yo. z0mbiee: Plus I realised I spelt *Exclusion wrong in the title and I forgot how to change the name of the title. D':

1338409543

1338470023

t3_ucn3c

t5_2to41

dickblister: TIFU by having to refuse a booty call because i'd blistered my dick wanking over the person who's just invited me over. The wank was after a drunken one night stand with this person. As it says, we had a drunken get together, when I finally got in I thought I'd have a quick wank. My dick was obviously a little sore anyway an I've gone at it too hard. Obviously I can't explain this to them, they'll probably just assume I have an infection (which I don't) so best to stay clear and hope I have the chance again. FML. UPDATE: It healed up in about 5 or so days to the point i'd be confident with it. Met up with her last night and had a great night/ morning together during which my dick performed admirably. Seeing her again soon. Turns out [pillowplumper](http://www.reddit.com/user/pillowplumper) was right, thanks all for the advice and funny comments which made me laugh during the rather depressing evening when I turned her down! goblan: If you have a blister on your dick, you're fapping wrong son. FinnTheZombie: Not the way my uncle taught taught me how to fap. Blister is a sign of success SCBazinga: Your uncle should not have taught you how to fap. FinnTheZombie: then how would I have learned? SCBazinga: I myself learned from my brother. Bassie93: Who needs to "learn" how to fap?? ಠ\_ಠ victhebitter: your mother

1338413110

1338424860

t3_ucqjh

t5_2to41

IMSA: Please Just Shoot Me. What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done trying to get to know someone? [deleted]: ppffchh... I'm sorry, but that's funny! It could have been much worse, it's kinda her fault for reacting so intensely over a mistake anyone could'v made. She probably wasn't that nice a person. IMSA: it was kind of funny at the time too, kindo of... lol [deleted]: I'v done plenty stupid things like this before. After a while they just become another funny story to tell. Like for instance, I was on an overnight field trip with my band in school. We were at an amusement park before competition and there was this guy I kinda had a crush on, (I'm female in case you're wondering), so I decide to ride the biggest most intimidating, ohmygod shityourpants, rollercoaster there with him....Long story short I puked on him... It was awful and embarrassing and I wanted to die from shame over the next week. but now it's funny. IMSA: That's really funny now! Probably not so much then. [deleted]: Oh course it wasn't funny then! But hell, it's not like I can change time! All I can do is laugh at it. IMSA: Yep, me too

1338417993

1338686200

t3_ucv1q

t5_2to41

thrwntllwy: TIFU: Had successful date with dream girl, ended up in bed with somebody else. Oh man, I have messed up. So I met this girl about two weeks ago. She's *amazing*, truly, it's hard to believe that she's from the same planet as me. She seems to operate on a higher plane, and only floats down from her cloud from time to time to brighten the world for us mere mortals. Something else altogether. She turned up in my world and I was bowled over. But straight away I went into self-defence mode, forbidding myself from falling for her, because there's just no point, she's utterly out of reach, and besides, every man and most of the women in town want her too, so what chance have I got? Time passed and we found ourselves getting along more and more. She asked if we could have lunch together. Well lunch turned into dinner, and dinner turned into a lovely evening together. It was the first time we'd hung out with nobody else around, and it was really something special. The end of the night came and I walked her home, bade her goodnight, and... we kissed. I could not believe my luck. I floated away ten feet tall and two feet off the ground. My head was full of dreams of a long and beautiful future together. But the night was still young, and I knew my friends were out, so I went and joined them and partied. In the crowd was another girl, who it turned out had had designs for me for some time. Let me tell you, she's no oil painting, and not exactly the life and soul of the party either. I ended up hammered and started thinking with the small head. She took advantage, and next thing you know, we're in bed. I have no interest in this second girl at all. I just took the opportunity because it was there. In doing this I have probably screwed up everything with the angel, because she'll find out, and I'll be in the shit, and quite deservedly too. I've hurt two women by one act of idiocy. Not cool. To use an analogy, I went out and dined on Wagyu steak, then stopped off at the burger van on the way home. I am deeply ashamed of myself. TIFU. says_this_here: i'm going to go against the popular notion here... you had one date, which is hardly any level of commitment. do you know if she's seeing anyone else? it was a mistake, and that's all it was. she doesn't need to know about it... you didn't cheat on her, you cheated yourself. Brynhild: I agree. OP isnt even in a relationship with this angel yet, for all he knows, she's dating other guys. They havent even had a relationship conversation yet and where the boundaries are. As for the other girl, OP has to settle that himself. thrwntllwy: Oh no, she's single. Has been for a long time. Brynhild: Being single doesn't mean that she can't be dating others. It takes quite a few dates to be officially in a relationship. But don't worry, you didn't cheat on her. Go on more dates and if you click well, ask her to be your girlfriend.

1338434753

1338624186

t3_ud9y2

t5_2to41

Mrninjamonkey: TIFU: parents busted me for smoking pot on a bluff. I have to give a little backstory here. My parents are by far the worst in trying to find the bad in people. They will go out of their way to spy on me and make sure I'm not doing anything they don't like. Anyways, last night I had been smoking pot with a few of my friends, one who was staying the night with me. All we did was toke up, ride to our local park, enjoy the playground, and then headed to a local outdoor mall. Me and my buddy came home around 11:30( I had told my parents I would be home at midnight before I left) and I went to bed thinking everything was ok. I had made sure the car was aired out even though we didn't smoke in it(never have, never will) and put in my sun shades. All of the sudden my parents barge in and tell me to report to their room(I'm fucked)They told me they were searching my car and that it reaked of pot. Me being the dumbass I am, I tried to convince them it didn't and got angry that they searched through my car for no reason. After much yelling, I just told them that I had been smoking pot, no use lying anyway. Turns out they had been bluffing that the car smelt of pot(but they really did search it, finding nothing). Now I'm being forced to work two jobs so I won't have time to "be a delinquent," chop my hair military style, not be allowed to see any friends until I go back to college, and just to be mean, they now will have surprise "inspections" for me which will include a drug test and a sniffer dog. TL;DR Parents bluffed that my car smelled of weed, I told them I smoke, now I have to work two jobs and be subject to surprise drug inspections and drug tests until I go back to college. Shrappy: move the fuck out, your home sounds like a prison camp thebornotaku: this, seriously. If you own the car, pack all your shit in it and dip out. If you're 18, you don't have to subject yourself to this kind of shit. djskrilla: Wow you must love pot more than having a place to live. Getting stoned is not more fun than being homeless. I mean where would you store the milk for your cereal? thebornotaku: I actually don't smoke weed anymore, I didn't much care for it. It's less the whole "My parent's won't let me smoke weed" think and more the fact that his parents are being fucking Nazis are about it.

1338438543

1338478528

t3_uddci

t5_2to41

DeboothOxyodious: TIFU: Got bear maced I was out with my band, we were about to pick up pizza, just chillin on the side of the street. When this car pulls up beside us, and my friend Jarred goes to see what they want. Next thing you know hes got a can of bear mace 3 inches from his face and he got sprayed for a good 2-4 seconds directly in the face, so I ran in to pull him away and got it too. We both lost our eye sight temporarily. Too boot, I am the only one with first aid training, or who knows what to do, so I have to coach my friend through how to deal with this, blind, not able to breath, and through a shit ton of pain. (I didnt know where else to post this sorry) EDIT: Can=Car. Thrashlee: What kind of pizza did you get? DeboothOxyodious: My friend, this is the most horrible part of the story. Because of this commotion, I was unable to dine such as the gods. We received no pizza. Thrashlee: Oh maaaaaaan. You poor soul. DeboothOxyodious: Your enthusiasm sends warm fuzzy shivers through my body and mind. Thank you sire. Thrashlee: *Dame. You're welcome (: DeboothOxyodious: My apologies Madame. Thrashlee: Why thank you, kind sir. DeboothOxyodious: So I'm guessing by the user name that you're a metal head, yeah? Thrashlee: Little bit. DeboothOxyodious: then you should like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iFC9hVhrug&ob=av3n Thrashlee: I don't hate it... I prefer old heavy metal and hard core personally. Now I am going to fry the fuck out of some rice.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTZsCCxx17w I'll just leave that here. DeboothOxyodious: Ah,I understand you slightly more now. Old school metal. I dig all music. Anyhow my friend fry fuck that frying rice. May the butter be your ever guiding light. Thrashlee: Butter? You spelt garlic wrong (: DeboothOxyodious: Garlic makes my face hurt. -Peter: Nowkiss.jpg

1338412464

1338468247

t3_ucpxw

t5_2to41

tngpnchfrtbx: At my staff party Thrashlee: What exactly is icing? Drugs of some form or..? foxy1167: "Icing A Bro" 1. You trick a bro into touching a Smirnoff Ice. 2. Said bro must get down on one knee. 3. The aforementioned bro must drink the entire bottle, or risk some sort of punishment from the other bros. Thrashlee: Whaaat? I thought the real bros only drank beer. Or I wish they did. foxy1167: It's because bros are supposed to hate Smirnoff Ice, so its more of a prank than anything, forcing someone to drink shitty alcohol. Thrashlee: Perfect. highexplosive: Don't spread it. It need not be mentioned in any form during any and all functions. Just don't.

1338471540

1338557107

t3_udu12

t5_2to41

HeIsMyPossum: TIFU: Used toothpaste as deodorant and deodorant as toothpaste. In a hurry, trying to do both at once. Placed the deodorant on toothbrush, and popped it into my mouth as I applied the toothpaste to my right armpit. My mouth still tastes weird. Fuck. StiffyAllDay: And you didnt realise that you you had to push a button on a cannister where youd normally squeeze a tube and vice versa? Learn to lie more believeably in future haha. HeIsMyPossum: I have red zone deodorant... the kind that you twist and a little bit is squeezed out the top. It wasn't like I was rubbing the stick back and forth lol Just one quick motion cause I really wasn't paying attention. Believe it or not. I just thought it was funny afterwards.

1338471045

1338523092

t3_udtob

t5_2to41

glook: TIFU by running git reset --hard in my development directory to test undoing a commit. I lost three weeks worth of uncommited development work. I have since read and learned many things that I should have done, but didn't. My boss is pissed because the uncommited stuff was supposed to go live two hours after I wasted it. I have no choice but to start over. seventoes: No committing for three weeks?! Jesus christ. I get nervous when I don't commit for a half hour. [deleted]: So, when you do a push, do tons of past commits go with the push? npfund: 1. Yes, *and that's almost the entire point of version control* b) With git (and probably other DVCSs), you can rewrite history to make it as pretty as you want before you push

1338486962

1338488223

t3_ue6yr

t5_2to41

IMSA: TIFU: Please Just Shoot Me. What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done trying to get to know someone? I’ll start, Several years ago I was attending Portland State University and decided to take summer classes to get a jump on the following school year. During the summer many students living in Portland, but attending universities out of the area, would take summer classes at PSU for one reason or another so it was common to see many students wearing Oregon State, University of Washington, and so on sweat shirts around campus. One day I was in the cafeteria at lunch time and I got my daily large cup of coffee in a Styrofoam cup. I put a lid on the cup, grabbed a couple packets of sugar, and proceeded to find a table to sit at. Across the cafeteria sitting at a table all alone was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen wearing a green University Oregon sweatshirt studying an anthropology text book. Now I was rather shy at the time but I was instantly attracted to this girl and I just had to meet her. She had long blond hair, a beautiful face, long tanned legs accented by her white shorts, and even though she was wearing a sweatshirt it was evident she had a nice bust. As I approached the table I glanced at her ring finger on her left hand and it was bare so I assumed she was single. At that point I gathered every bit of nerve and courage I could muster and asked her if I could sit with her. She looked at me, then looked at the empty tables around us, looked at me again smiling and said yes. At this point I’m feeling pretty confident and we start to make a little small talk. So I’m sitting across from her, feeling really proud of myself for making the effort to meet her, and placed my coffee cup on the table in front of me. We continued to chat a little and she seemed to be enjoying my company. “Great” I thought to myself. I then proceeded to take the lid off my coffee cup and added the two packets of sugar while paying more attention to her than my coffee cup. I then put my plastic stir stick into my coffee to stir the sugar except the stir stick hit the side rather than the bottom of the cup. Instant disaster! When the stir stick hit the side of the Styrofoam cup, the cup fell over spilling 24 ounces of coffee all over the table, her books and writing tablet, a little on her fresh white shorts, and the remainder into my lap. She immediately jumped out of her chair to escape the coffee now spreading all over the table, slammed her book shut, and yelled “ you fucking asshole” loud enough for everyone in the cafeteria to hear which immediately drew everyone’s attention to what was going on. At that point she stomped out of the cafeteria leaving me at the table alone with a lap full of coffee and several students now laughing at me. Fuck! So there I am trying to figure out what I want to do next. I could sit there another 4 hours and wait for my coffee soaked Levies to dry or I could just leave. I decided to just put my tail between my legs and leave. I walked out of the cafeteria looking like I had pissed my pants to a roar of laughter. I never saw that girl again. NoneOfAKindBen: Can she really blame you for doing that? I'm sure it was easy to distinguish that what you did was an accident. Does that deserve a "You fucking asshole"? Maybe it was a good thing you did that because it showed how quick she is to point fingers. Oh, and I think it's time to invest in a new coffee cup. IMSA: It's pretty funny now looking back on it. Guess it was pretty funny then come to think of it but it was brutal walking across campus with the big wet horseshoe on the front of my pants. lol NoneOfAKindBen: I guess you can say it was worth it. xD

1338490249

1338493724

t3_uea03

t5_2to41

BurningPixel: TIFU Failed Eyebrows, as a man Well i was at the Barber today and just casually small-talked with the guy, so we were talking about him winning some style competitions and other stuff as he asked me if he should do my eyebrows. Just to clearify that, I'm Male 17 Years old straight and was all like well why the hell not? BIG MISTAKE I've never really plucket my eyebrows except for making sure they don't touch, and i thought that if a pro does it it should look good, shouldn't it? Well he shaved and plucked the living hell out of it so that nearly nothing is left. FML TL;DR: Dumb decisions at the Barber left me nearly without eyebrows Ratava: So if you were gay and got your eyebrows done, you wouldn't be a man? BurningPixel: never talked about not being a man, just that my eyebrows are gone and it looks kinda weird :P Ratava: Your title is that you "fucked up as a man" by getting your eyebrows done and your post refers to you being straight. Implying that you think getting your eyebrows done should only be for gay people, who by association aren't real men. BurningPixel: wait the title is so misleading? I meant that i fucked up my eyebrows, and to not make people think that im breaking the rules of this subreddit by posting ordinary stuff, which if we talk about failing at making or adjusting the eyebrows is normal in the case of a female person but not as a male, I thought that I would emphasize that by adding "as a man" Ratava: Ah, I understand now.... I took it to mean that you'd fucked up as a man by getting your eyebrows done, not that you fucked up getting your eyebrows done, and you're also a guy.

1338390116

1338520049

t3_uc69i

t5_2to41

kentuckyfriedfish: TIFU by drinking an entire bottle of schnapps the night before a final and an as yet uncompleted project are due. I have roughly four hours. Also tried to work through it and drink some coffee to stay awake, except that resulted in almost no sleep and not much progress. TheWolfofMibu: Why? kentuckyfriedfish: It was my last opportunity to see some good friends before they move out of state for grad school. That and it was the first atheist club party where we drank.

1338493559

1349481113

t3_ued77

t5_2to41

moonbutton: TIFU an entire restaurant. I work as a waitress at my friends' family business, and I tend to bring in some wicked tips, but today I fucked up. How did I fuck up? I did not tie my shoes correctly and when I was parking at the restaurant one of the laces got stuck on the pedal and I stupidly tried to kick it off. That was when my truck crashed through the wall. Customers were sent running in every direction. No one was hurt, but the restaurant is closed for the week while they make repairs. I'm not fired, but no tips until it is paid off. **EDIT:** Because some questions and comments have come up more than others, I am going to address them in this short follow-up: when I broke through the wall, it was a wall that was mostly a window so all I really broke was some glass. The estimate for getting it fixed is pretty reasonable, and since I make minimum wage plus tips I offered to help pay for it as a measure of personal responsibility. Some people have mentioned a news reporting of this incident, but my little crash never went to the news, nor was it that explosive for the customers, so that report is just another unlucky restaurant. Also, because I had not realized the stereotype when I first posted this, I am Asian, making my crash all the more hilarious. tesnakeinurboot: So you accidentally the restaurant? cookiewhistle: Moonbutton is a pretty cool guy. eh accidentallys restaurants and doesn't afraid of anything. moonbutton: I'm a pretty cool *girl*. An Asian girl who slammed into a wall with her car. Oh boy, I hadn't realized that stereotype yet... cookiewhistle: This is why we can't have nice things. entae: As another Asian female...it really isn't our fault. We're born with two innate "strikes" against us. 1. Asian driver 2. Woman driver DatAsianGurl: And this is the reason I am reluctant to drive every day. entae: How many blinks does it take to cross 8 lanes? 0? I go now good luck everybody else! eVaan13: Where is this from? JustLetMeComment: Family guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKcSZfY1sf4

1338503507

1338963726

t3_uembn

t5_2to41

aprofondir: TIFU: Slapped my Physics teacher in the butt accidentally.. Well, not today, but some days ago, I can't remember ; but now that I've got a computer I can put it on Reddit. So, we had a test from Physics. Of course, I finished first, and I was packing my shit (and by that I don't mean fecal matter) and my pencil case was the last thing on the desk, so I picked it up and swinged it a bit, just casually, going around my desk, waiting for the other kids to fucking move. Little did I know, my teacher was right behind me, and it turns out I hit her in the ass with my fucking pencil case. I didn't see her. I was so embarrased and I tried not to talk with the teacher. I tried to say ''sorry'' but.. I was doomed. dmw1987: How did the teacher react? Regardless, if you feel bad about it, you need to make the situation right. Apologize, explain your error and maybe try to be a little more patient in the future. I don't think it's healthy to blame the other kids when you could have taken a few extra seconds to prevent this from happening. At the end of the day, it was a mistake. Your intentions were pure. Don't beat yourself up over something you never intended to happen. [deleted]: Yeah make this right. The school years almost over. She's hot. Do it in her car. omnomdumplings: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-57445389-504083/erin-sayar-nyc-teacher-accused-of-sex-with-16-year-old-student-due-in-court/ OP delivers. [deleted]: I can't stop laughing.

1338524584

1338526565

t3_uf4md

t5_2to41

strongbadiophage: TIFU by making a Facebook At first I made it because this girl kept pressuring me to make one because she wanted to invite me to one of her parties through it. She is really nice so I obliged, but now I look back at what a stupid reason that was to make a Facebook. Why couldn't she just invite me in real life or something. For the longest time I had vowed not to make a Facebook and be a part of this terrible trend where all kinds of stupidity transgresses. Now I have a ton of "friend requests" from people I don't even really talk to in real life. I didn't want this. I just wanted to keep this quiet so the girl could just invite me. How did so many people find out? She was the only one that knew and I can't imagine her going and telling a bunch of people. And I am also pretty pissed that, whether I really want to or not in the end, I can't just delete the damn thing. I have to "deactivate" it. It probably isn't a big deal, but I hate the feeling of Facebook having some of my info and I can't just wipe it away. They will always have it and there's nothing I can go. If you read this far thanks very much. **TLDR**: Made a Facebook just so a friend can invite me to something, (what was I thinking?) I hate Facebook and vowed never to make one, I wanted to keep it quiet but somehow a bunch of people found out. rcocman125: I agree with you on the 'they have my info part'. But maybe you need to tell the girl that you really don't want one. Be aware, estrogen is quite strange and she might get pissed that you don't? I don't really know. But yeah, deactivating it isn't really a big deal or anything. Back to top. strongbadiophage: Yeah. I don't know why I didn't just do that. Guess I was afraid to make her mad or something. I immediately regret this decision. Thanks for reading. rcocman125: Yeah man, you're welcome.

1338525156

1339071345

t3_uf538

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU Got Caught... At Work! Okay so I'm basically fucked. Let me get started on how badly I'm going to lose my job. So today at work my boss was sick so he called in her daughter who is a year older than me to come in to help close. So she came in and we proceeded to get done clean up and the other workers left. I work in a grocery store by the way so nothing too special. Anyways I was getting my stuff from the back when she came back there and she started to get really touchy. So this is where shit got hot and heavy and we proceeded to carry on, she blew me for a bit and then she asked if I had a condom. I had one in my car so I went out of the store, but I took the short way which was to open the loading door, at the time I thought nothing of it. So we finished up and she said she has been wanting to do that for a long time and next time we should make it even more kinkier and all over the store. So this is where shit gets bad. I was driving home when I was thinking of how awesome it was, when the thought hit me. The alarm was set because we had locked up. So tomorrow my boss is going to get to work and see the alarm had gone off, and do what anyone would do. Watch the camera's. So I'm basically fucked. TL;DR - I fucked my bosses daughter in his store, but was dumb and opened the garage door making an alarm go off. So now he is going to watch the camera's and see us. EDIT 1: I don't work till Saturday. Next time I work with my Boss is Tuesday. I'm hoping he doesn't make a guest appearence anytime soon. EDIT 2: The girl was cute, not hot. There is a difference. But a good difference. EDIT 3: Talked to "Sally" today for two hours. She said she will try to delete a weeks time of video and if he does/has found out she will try to calm him down. EDIT 4: Done work today and he said nothing. I think I'm in the clear :D :D [deleted]: I wish I had a story like this to tell. My best "and then I got sacked" story involves food poisoning. (sacked = fired, not sure if that's clear across all English cultures as it could easily mean fucked too) darthelmo: Never heard that definiton of "sacked" before. Source? beigebox: It's a Britishism. Example: This article from the Guardian. http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2012/may/25/what-happens-after-a-sacking darthelmo: Getting fired, that I knew about. It was the, er, more physical interpretation I was looking for a source for. beigebox: Ah, sorry! My bad. darthelmo: No problem, mate. Do you perhaps know the answer? That meaning is new to me. beigebox: I'm as puzzled by you are at the way the word's evolved to mean being teabagged. I assume 'nutsack' --> 'sack' --> v. 'to sack' ? [deleted]: No no, it would come from sack is to bed as sacked is to bedded. beigebox: *enlightened* :)

1338553228

1338583797

t3_ufih8

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU Caused $4000 of water dam... with a cat My neighbors have a cat that I let into my house sometimes and give him water, then play. I went off to work today, and he was sitting in the living room. I didn't want to kick him out (it was raining), so I filled half a bucket of water and put it next to him so he could drink, then left. I cam home with the cat greeting me, then saw that the bucket was tipped over. It had spilled on my hardwood flooring and caused it to bloat and crack. The estimate for repair is about $4000... Edit: Everyone seems to think this is fake. The hardwood floor is made from a specific type of wood. It's a very dark brown, almost black wood. The carpenters want to replace the whole rooms' flooring, saying that the water may have spread (hence the $4000). Also, to that one guy, cats DO drink out of buckets, I don't see how they can't reach inside. Sleepy_McTiredson: If you got a quote of $4k you're probably getting hosed. Just get a floor dryer fan from a rental place and let it dry, the swelling will go down as it dries. [deleted]: And if there's permanent damage, you can replace it yourself. Hardwood floors aren't actually that hard. Soukai: Well... they are hard, given the name 'hard'wood floors. But that's besides the point and I know what you were getting at. [deleted]: Balsa wood is considered a hardwood. Soukai: Correct me if I'm wrong here... but isn't balsa wood really soft? I remember doing some project with it in middle school and I could cut through it with my pencil [deleted]: You are correct :P but that was my point, hardwood and softwood denote the type of tree it is, not nessisarily the hardness of the wood. They both have ranges from soft to hard. Another example is Yew, which is a softwood but its hardness is harder than most hardwoods. Softwood comes from trees that are gymnosperms, hardwood comes from trees that are angiosperms. Soukai: And that's a TIL if I ever did see one. Thanks for the info!

1338557704

1339151121

t3_ufkw2

t5_2to41

aprofondir: TIFU by causing a fire-fuckfest at my friend's house Well this was some weeks ago, but fuck it..Here's the story: We wanted to make something to eat, like, desperately. So we found a website about making little sweet shit. I don't know how do you call it in English, you can call it LSS or maybe donuts but not quite. So, flour, yoghurt, oil and all the shit. We make the shit needed to make the shit (again I don't know the correct word so I use the universal word ''shit'') and the friend put it into the pot.. We have only made like two LSS's and my friend went to the other side of the room to check something and all the sudden... ''It's burning.'' ''What?'' ''OHMYGOD IT'S FUCKING BURNING! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!'' It was a big flame. What the fuck. My friend, out of the panic, didn't know what to do, so he fucking spitted in the pot, to fix the fire. But no, the fucking flame went apeshit and became even bigger, reaching the ceiling. I run to the other room because of all the fucking smoke, we couldn't breathe, so, what we did, we took some blankets and put them over our faces a la Al-Qaeda and tried to take the smoke out of the room, while trying to put the fire out. Eventually my friend, after fighting the fire with water for what seemed like hours in my head, put the fire out making a sound what I can best describe as heaven and hell colliding, a plane crashing into a steam train , and screams of a thousand souls being tortured. It was horrifying but at the same time I felt relieved. Later we were still trying to get the smoke out. Later we figured out what was the cause of fire. Too much fucking sunflower oil. All we said that day was ''That was STUPID. The stupidest thing we ever fucking did in our lives.'' P.S. To the creator of that fucking recipe: FUCK YOU. Yes, it's our fault, but still, FUCK YOU. GreenStrong: That was fucking hiliarious. English may not be your first language, but FUCK, you swear like a goddamn expert. "Fire-fuckfest" is a word I will be trying desperately to work into conversation for weeks. aprofondir: Thanks mate. This would be even funnier in Serbian. rahmspinat: Translation please? I got a Serbian workmate who surely approves of this. aprofondir: Okay, here's the translation: Danas sam zasrao/zajebao: napravio sam vatreni pičvajz u kući mog druga Ovo je bilo prije koju nedelju, al' jebeš ga...Evo priče: Htjeli smo da napravimo nešto za jesti, očajnički. Te smo našli sajt o pravljenju malih slatkih govana (krofnica). Ne znam kako se zovu na engleskom, možete ga zvati MSS ili krofne, mada nije baš isto. Dakle, brašno, jogurt, ulje, i sva ta sranja. Napravili smo sranje (smjesu) potrebnu za pravljenje MSS, i drug je stavio u šerpu. Napravili smo samo oko dva mala govna i drug je otišao na drugi kraj sobe da nešto vidi, i odjednomd... ''E, gori.'' ''Šta?'' ''JEBOTE LJEB GORIIIIIII! AAAAAAAAAA!'' Bio je ogroman plamen. Jebote. Drug, iz panike, nije znao šta da radi, i kao idiot, pljunuo je u šerpu, da ugasi vatru. Ali ne, jebeni plamen je popizdio i postao još veći, skoro dotakao plafon. Otrčao sam u drugu sobu zbog jebenog dima, nismo mogli disati, te, šta smo uradili, uzeli smo ćebadi i stavili preko lica a la Al Kaida i pokušali otjerati dim iz sobe, u isto vrijeme pokušavajući ugasiti vatru. Eventualno, drug, nakon borbe protiv vatre vodom za vrijeme koje je bilo kao sati u mojoj glavi, ugasio je vatru praveći zvuk koji najbliže mogu opisati kao sudaranje raja i pakla, zaletanje i sudaranje aviona i parne lokomotive, i vrisci hiljadu duša kojih muče. Bilo je strašno i užasno ali sam osjetio olakšanje u isto vrijeme. Kasnije smo i dalje pokušavali da otjeramo dim. Kasnije smo saznali uzrok požara. Previše jebenog ULJA. Sve što smo govorili tog dana je ''To je bilo GLUPO. Najgluplja stvar koju smo ikad uradili u svojim životima.'' P.S. Autoru toga jebenoga recepta: JEBO VAM TITO MATER. Da, mi smo krivi, ali jebite se. Vefantur: I don't know why I even tried to read this. I knew it was going to be in a language I couldn't read and I still tried. I should sleep. aprofondir: Please try recording yourself trying to read this, it's hilarious for Serbians.

1338580479

1338767249

t3_ug3si

t5_2to41

Muricate: TIFU Caught with pot Me, Circa yesterday, at school. Being the stoner that I am, I had just traded a cigarette for some amazing weed. Half an hour later, I decide to go outside, and look at my wonderful herb. As soon as, and I literally mean as soon as I pulled out said bag of weed, my planning teacher decides to open the door. I am holding the bag so I ball up my fist and put it in my pocket. We then have an at least ten minute conversation about what I just put in my pocket, with me ending up saying I was going home and it was none of her business. As I walked away, a joint fell out of my hoodie. She saw. I'm suspended. TL;DR I ended up getting caught with weed MrBitchin: gotta lock your stash down, bummer man. Muricate: ._. I'm now grounded for this, my dad found out.

1338584509

1338748586

t3_ug7hp

t5_2to41

Metabilities: TIFU: as a vegetarian I ate a giant steak So, mega fuck up on my part today. I am 26 and have been vegetarian for health reasons (not ethical) for about 8 years. I rarely cheat, maybe once or twice a year when I'm craving protein, and I keep it very small, like a slice of bacon or two. Well today, I had an ultra-monster-mecha craving for meat. It's been building up for weeks and I can't hold it any longer. Ok, so time to cheat, what should I have? I'll just get a little something at the local diner. When I look at the menu, however, the repressed caveman in me can't stop staring at the steaks. So I order one. A 14 oz sirloin. Fast forward a few hours, once all the deliciousness is inside me, I realize what a huge mistake I've made. My intestines are trying frantically to keep up with what I've just done to them, and respond by opening the floodgates and letting it all out. Another bit of TMI for you, I also just happened to enjoy a bit of *ahem* backdoor action with the BF last night. That makes is much more difficult to hold anything in that wants out IMMEDIATELY. Unfortunately I am at work, and cannot go home for another 4 hours, so I have been back and forth to the bathroom every 10 minutes or so. My colleagues are starting to wonder. Also I'm pretty sure they can small it from the hallway. The worst is when I'm mid-flaming shit squirt and one of them walks in, forcing me to clench as hard as I can to keep it in for just....ten....seconds....please.... Nope. I don't know how much longer this is going to continue, but I'm pretty sure the next 4 hours of will be spent in humiliating, ass reaming agony as I battle the anal leakage and try oh so hard not to shit my pants at work. TIFU, Reddit. TIFU bad. TL;DR- vegetarian + giant steak = fiery buttpee at work EDIT: Fucking FINALLY time to go home! Thanks to MustardMcguff for the Kenny G and Mad Magazines idea, sounds rather sexy. I think I'll light some candles too, and then ass-piss to my heart's content long into the night... gyanos422: For every animal you don't eat, I'm going to eat two. inflexiblemadness: Upvote for the Maddox reference. zahlman: It's supposed to be *three* animals. :| inflexiblemadness: Is it? Granted, I have visit his website in a while. zahlman: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=sponsor It's 3:1 so that the total amount of animals consumed is greater than it would be if your vegetarian "friend" hadn't decided on vegetarianism. inflexiblemadness: Thank you for the clarification, sir. Did you ever see his recipe for the manliest sandwich? I don't recall it off hand or even where to find it on his website, but I made it once and it was delicious. Bonus points for you if you can find it for my lazy ass. Metabilities: [Are these the droids you are looking for?](http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=sandwich) inflexiblemadness: That's the one. You are a king among men, sir.

1338585184

1340253229

t3_ug82p

t5_2to41

ScrubTutor: TIFU - I realized that my resume, with which I have applied unsuccessfully for 30 or 40 jobs, had my girlfriend's old phone number on it, and not my own. IDangleFreely: How did that happen? ScrubTutor: I didn't used to have a cell phone, so I dialed my girlfriend's number a lot. Now I have speed-dial, and almost never call my cellphone. My girlfriend's old number was just in my head, I suppose. tuoder: This story just makes me so sad.

1338608038

1338609489

t3_ugp30

t5_2to41

theubster: TIFU: ruined brand new entrance to a ranch...in front of my boss I was working on wood-staining our new archway in a cherrypicker, and spilled two or three gallons of it on our new gleaming concrete entrance. Now there is a 20 foot diameter black/brown stain. I did this all in front of my boss. [deleted]: If you didn't get fired and if you didn't have to pay for it then I would say that you had a small victory. theubster: well, yes. professionally, no. but the ranch owner is coming tomorrow to see, you guessed it, the new entrance. happiness will not abound [deleted]: You should get a montage going and fix it before he comes :3 theubster: i like it! some humor might fix things a bit.

1338600071

1338728597

t3_ugjg5

t5_2to41

cfsharp_: TIFU: I lit my kitchen on fire... With a potato Well, this happened yesterday, but here it is anyways. I was hungry as hell, so I decided to make a baked potato. Being the newly-independent post-college student that I am, I don't have an oven, so I couldn't actually bake the potato. So I decide to use the microwave. I put the potato on a plate, and put it in the microwave. Then I try to remember how long my dad told me to cook the potato when he was teaching me how to cook as a college student. I finally decided on 10 minutes. This was obviously a bad decision. After about 9 minutes of the potato cooking, the living room starts to get a bit hazy. (Living room and kitchen are connected, no door or anything.) So I decide to get up and check the potato. I walk into the kitchen and the damn potato is on fire. So I open the door to the microwave and pull out the plate. The paper plate. I set it down on the counter and go to open some windows. When I come back, the paper plate is aflame. "What the fuck," I think. So I poured a cup of water and put the plate out... Then called my dad and said "WHAT THE FUCK, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COOK BAKED POTATOES FOR 10 MINUTES IN THE MICROWAVE!?" He responded by saying "That's for four, you dumbass." TL;DR I left a potato cooking in my microwave for 10 minutes, and it almost lit my kitchen on fire. Also, the way the potato was burning was kind of like one of those smoke bombs, and it made a shit ton of smoke. Kind of funny now that I think about it. [deleted]: I kinda just laughed. 10 minutes? Really? At least you didn't put aluminum foil in there. bigbadbass: UK here, 10 mins is pretty normal? Do you guys have extra powerful microwaves? David_mcnasty: I'm guessing he forgot to poke holes in it, although my microwave only takes 7min, 4 on one side 3 on the other. bigbadbass: You flip the potato over half way?! David_mcnasty: Yea ^_^ no idea why just the way i was taught.

1332866434

1338613412

t3_rg1jp

t5_2to41

kayraree: TIFU: I called into work to go see a boy who subsequently bailed. Technically it was yesterday, but I didn't find this subreddit until today. I do stupid things when I care about people. HE_WHO_DRAWS: Maybe he had a stroke or something... kayraree: Nawh, he was just kind of an asshole. Doesn't matter now.

1338599461

1338680118

t3_ugj0e

t5_2to41

Graham1020: TIFU: Ran away from a chihuahua This was about 3 years ago, and I had this paper route for a local newspaper in my neighbourhood. I got my dad to drive me qround our neighbourhood in our van, and I would stand inside with the door open and when we got to a drive way, I would jump out and run down the driveway with a paper, drop it off and run back. We get to this one drive way, and it's super long. My dad stops and I hop out and start walking down the driveway. I get to the house, drop off the paper and start walking back. I hear a dog barking from the direction of the house ( by the way, I'm fucking terrified of dogs, like beyond what you can imagine. When i was a kid a big-ass dog came and barked at me or some shit, so I'm terrified) I turn around and look but don't see anything. I start walking a little faster. I hear the bark again and I turn around and see bulldog type thing on a chain come around the corner and bark at me. My vision wasn't great at the time because I had glasses and such. I start jogging back up to the car when I hear a second dog start barking. I'm like 80ish feet away when I turnaround and see this other dog come tearing around the corner. From the distance I thought it was another bulkeog thing and I'm fuckin terrified. I start sprinting as fast as I could up the drive way and the dog is closing in on me. I'm thinking that I'm gonna have to kick it in the face or something so it doesn't bite me. It's like 20 feet away and I'm like 20 feet from the car and I realise it's not a bulldog or anything. It's a chihuahua. I stopped running, it runs two circles around me, then runs back to the house. rgzmeu: It's okay, buddy. When I was 10, I was chased by a wiener dog. It was a surprise chase, but a chase. [deleted]: Surprise! Ahh! The only probable thing to do is ruuun! ahhh!

1338617411

1338875931

t3_ugv8m

t5_2to41

Switchitis: TIFU only made it 2 minutes into my road trip. I got a call from my best friends who live out of state saying they were coming back to our hometown, they invited me to come see them. So I seized the opportunity to reunite with them, I got my shit together and left my house. I stopped at the gas station a half mile away and payed for my gas, filled up the car, and drove off. A mile down the road I realized my wallet wasn't in my pocket. So I whipped a u-turn hauled ass back and interrogated every damned person in the gas station about my wallet. It's now gone forever, drivers license, insurance card, credit card, family pictures, and some cash. TL:DR Made it 2 minutes into my road trip to see my lifelong best friends, lost my wallet, turned right back around and went home. i-dont-have-a-gun: Turn all that wallet shit off so that bastard can't take more money. You did that, right? Switchitis: I cancelled my credit card, and called my insurance company, but I don't think there is much I can do about the License or I.D. theft. I called the local police department to report the missing wallet, but they said they can't do anything but hope it turns up. Do you think the gas station would let me review the security tapes? [deleted]: Don't forget to put a fraud alert on your account w/ the credit bureaus!

1338624866

1338629153

t3_ugyl6

t5_2to41

Thrashlee: TMFFU-She called a baby at work "hot" and might lose her job. She works in a supermarket and actually referred to an infant as hot. His mother overhead and placed a complaint about her to the manager. seven_wings: Just tell her to say that she meant "hot" as in "running a fever". Thrashlee: She already said she meant hot as in sexy.

1338633142

1339051709

t3_uh193

t5_2to41

Sh1bble: TIFU: Teabagged a sleeping friend and was dumb enough to let friends film it Was my good friends 20th birthday and an old friend who i used to have feeling for punched me in the eye, knocked my glasses off and managed to full thrust her knuckle into my left eye socket, not wanting to kick off and ruin the atmosphere, I instead resorting to dropping my bollocks on her face while she was sleeping. Looking back it's not one of my proudest things I've done to date, but figured it's still worth laughing over. [deleted]: This clearly wasn't a fuck up. This is geneous. Xvapor1zerX: Genius* ShamanicHellZoneImp: Generous* derajydac: Hodor* Nimanzer: Mordor* tjham: One does not simply correct spelling into 'Mordor'. darthelmo: I cannot top this. You win the interwebs.

1338610731

1338672952

t3_ugr2u

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU and almost blew up an apartment building So my brother and I got summer jobs as handymen for an apartment complex. We've been on the job a week, and today we were told to paint the floor of the basement laundry room. We had to remove the machines from the room first, so we got to unplugging the machines. Washing machines are easy, so we did those first. Then we got to the dryers. Before today I had no idea that there are dryers that use gas for heating. I thought they were all electric. So when I looked behind the machine I saw this thin yellow tube, and I thought "must be a water or air line. Let's unscrew it." So I unscrew it. I smell gas instantly, and I dropped the gas line. My brother and I flipped out, and as I worked on getting the gas line back in my brother ran around the basement looking for the gas cutoff. Nobody got hurt. But it could have been baaaaad. karlos349: Generally, bright yellow tubes = gas. Also, if there is a gas leak don't stick around and try to fix it. Open outside doors and windows if you can safely and get out. Call the gas company or 911 (Source: http://www.uniongas.com/safety/leakandodour.asp). I have a friend who's dad tried to cover up a pipe he hit when digging outside. He's been in a mental institution for close to 20 years with absolutely no memory. stormtide311: I assume it blew up? why does he have no memory? karlos349: He passed out from the gas and by the time they found him he had suffered massive brain damage. [deleted]: Thats fucked up man, jobs should teach employees these things.

1338677667

1338697863

t3_uhs6s

t5_2to41

Near122: Well Tifu by breaking my boyfriends leg SteveTheDragonborn: Damn. That sounds painful. So, I'm guessing you gave him something special to make up for it then, right? Near122: Yeah I just feel like complete shit Dic3rZ: Please don't feel like shit, acciddents happen. Go take care of him, give him extra attention. thebornotaku: Anal. i-dont-have-a-gun: Cowgirl anal, his fucking leg is broke

1338683993

1338928444

t3_uhwuo

t5_2to41

thrwntllwy: TIFUpdate: Had successful date with dream girl, ended up in bed with somebody else. [Previous thread here.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/ucv1q/tifu_had_successful_date_with_dream_girl_ended_up/) Some people asked for an update, so here it is. Well, I met up with her. Once we were sitting down, I said I had something to tell her, that she wasn't going to like it, and that if she never wanted me to come anywhere near her again, I'd understand. I told her the whole story of what happened after I left her. She listened. She started to cry. She cursed me quietly in a language I don't understand. Then she called me all manner of idiots in English. She told me she had already found out, although she found it hard to believe, so she appreciated me having the balls to tell her myself. I told her I had no reason to expect anything from her, but I hoped she could see past it, as I thought we were really onto something, and it would be a crying shame to stop before we've started. And then, when we'd both said our piece, there was a pause. She looked at me, half-smiled, and calmly said "Well, it will make a good story to tell the grandchildren." Told you she was something else. It's going to be a slow and tricky road from here, and I've got a lot of work to do, but I think we might just make it. Thanks for the support/abuse/jokes, everyone. RageGodReed: Noice. Though everywhere else on Reddit they say her mentioning grandkids is insta-bail. thrwntllwy: Yeah, obviously, she wasn't being entirely serious... Legion299: Where is she from though? You said she spoke in a non-English language thrwntllwy: Not telling, sorry. Long before I met her I was of the view that her country produces the most beautiful women I've ever seen. She only confirmed it. Legion299: Could you at least tell a region? :O thrwntllwy: It's a small, cold country. strechy27: Somewhere in Scandinavia... ItCanAlwaysGetWorse: Sweden it is, then.