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fawkesmulder: TIFU by attempting to drink 79 cents I got about 20 minutes of sleep last night. I had to commute 2 hours for work in the early morning and 2 hours back. On the drive back home, I was deathly tired. I started falling asleep at the wheel, so I got off the freeway, pulled up to a gasoline station, and bought a 5 hour energy drink for $3.21, paying the clerk four $1 bills. I grabbed my change, and started walking back to my car while clumsily unwrapping the thin plastic membrane covering the screwtop. When I reached my car, I unscrewed the lid, and brought my hand to my mouth, emptying its contents -- anticipating the putrid, yet invigorating liquid that would enable me to complete my journey back home. I relaxed my throat muscles, preparing for the drink to pass through quickly. You can guess what happened next. Alas -- it was not the barely palatable yet effective liquid I had prepared myself for. What I tasted was the grime from thousands of hands, and not fluid...not even close. I choked, spraying most of the change over the asphalt. I may have swallowed 2 cents because I only recovered 77. tl;dr really tired, tried to drink my change instead of my energy drink. FromTheHood: A homeless nigga that lives outside my house coulda used dat change lil nigga. But shit, you are watchu eat. So, you is literally money bruh. derp111: Man this is a terrible account... FromTheHood: Thank you for your opinion ma nigga. You truly made an impact on the world. Stamp derp111: umm.. cadillacs and 50 cents?

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zfriderici: T(W)IFU: Auditions + Dyslexia = Bad time The long and short of the matter is this: I was given a phone number to call this director at for an audition at a gig this summer...I called multiple times, only for it to go to an unidentified voicemail at the time. The event coordinator emails me today saying the director never heard from me; I check the number in the email. I'd been switching two of the digits in the number the entire time. TL;DR may have lost a gig to dyslexia. Edit: Called director, sent audition CD, will hear from him tomorrow. All might be well yet! Edit 2: Got the gig after all. Everything went better than expected, eh? creepingdeathv2: I was lolin as soon as i read the title. but i m feelin bad now. btw you dont use siri ? hope you asked the director for another opportunity ... all the best sunlight10: Might not have an iPhone (or 4S)? zfriderici: Still in the Dark Ages of Android...some day, I'll get me an iPhone and join all the cool kids. creepingdeathv2: Android ?! Get Iris FTW !!!

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[deleted]: There goes my self-esteem Posted a picture online saying that I think im beautiful in my own way and that im happy with how I and my life have turned out. First comment I got was that I was ugly and had a terrible personality. Never should have posted the picture. -_- emo_kakyo: I didn't think so :D Xonix1234: Haha thanks. :p emo_kakyo: you're welcome ;p

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[deleted]: TIFU: I was too drunk to spend my last night with my fellow graduates. So my high school graduation was this morning, my family threw a party after at our house. The night after graduation, my school has a "grad night," from 7:30-4:30 A.M. I was not looking forward to spending that much time with all of these people, and I got sloshed at the party. I was visibly drunk, and my parents forbid me from going (understandably). This was going to be the last time I will ever see the majority of my class (~400 people) TL;DR: Got too drunk, couldn't attend graduation celebration with my class. rodStewart: Almost 9 years after high school and I hardly talk to any of the people I graduated with, and I am a very social person. It won't matter in the end because you will all grow apart anyways. [deleted]: Yeah, I mostly fucked up because I dealt with my doubts/anxieties about being tired + around people for so long in an unhealthy way. It wasn't a loss for my class as it ways a loss for me personally.

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Brisaster: TIFU: Caught sex skyping by grandma... This happened about an hour ago. The setting is my grandma's house(and she has a disdain for me). I was Skyping this guy and things got a little hot and heavy. I was showing off my lady bits and he was jacking off. The house was quiet and I had assumed she had gone to bed. All of a sudden the door burst open and well, I'm shirtless. She's a very conservative woman and she didn't buy the "I was hot" excuse. She figured it out pretty swift but just gave me a lecture(thank the gods). She didn't see the screen though because I was moving it around(which just made her more suspicious) It's going to be a very awkward breakfast in the AM. EDIT/UPDATE: It was indeed an awkward breakfast. She had made pancakes and she serves them to everyone but me. She looks at me and says "Troie non si ottiene la prima colazione." She's Italian but I've never heard her actually SPEAK it.. let alone an entire phrase. If you're wondering that translates into "Sluts don't get breakfast." I looked it up because I was confused, speaking none of it myself. Now, she's making roast beef later and says I can have some... I think she's trying to make a statement... Hey, at least I get to eat at all! Michi_THE_Awesome: Don't grandmas knock anymore? Mine kept throwing a fit when I locked the bathroom door to use it. Grandmas be trippin'. brajx: In my family, people knock but they don't wait for a response before they burst through the door. Michi_THE_Awesome: There is no such thing as privacy in my family. Everyone knows everything about anything and anyone. It's both sides of my family and my in laws. It was completely mortifying growing up. Brisaster: Once again... Italian family... secrets tend to be well kept. But she's a nosy ol' lady. Michi_THE_Awesome: My family isn't Italian. They're just nosy with no sense of respect for someone's privacy. Y'know what really helped? Moving over a thousand miles away. Brisaster: If only. I'm 19... got no place to go until I get my apartment in the city in September. Michi_THE_Awesome: I wish you luck.

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TheAwesomeinator: TIFU: Made a super-insensitive status about a dead kindergartner, riled up a bunch of people. Our first day of summer, we hear about a kindergartner who had just drowned. Sad, right? So now everyone's depressed about it, and I make a status whining about how everyone's depressed on the first day of summer because of this dead kid. Now, I didn't realize at the time how insensitive that sounded. But earlier this morning, I finally realized how bad it was... after people had already started getting mad at me for it. "People" being most of my best friends. So now I've got most of my best friends mad at me, I feel like shit, and I'm constantly apologizing to people about it. Honestly, this isn't as bad as some of the other stuff here, but I still dun fucked up. rpm1984: [It's not so bad](http://imgur.com/ncXmC) Watchman304: [This stuff happens.](http://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/musicnews/default/iconic-album-cover-kids-nirvana--large-msg-118719113485.jpg)

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[deleted]: TIFU I got extremely drunk and threw up all over my living room I am only 16 and my parents are away for the weekend. After thinking, wow this is gonna be great, I figured that I should get some booze and get drunk for the fuck of it. Well I had a little too much to drink and I ended up waking up in a throwup covered living room. The couch, the carpets, everything had throwup on it. I have spent the last few hours cleaning that shit up and trying to make the throwup smell go away. It still smells and my parents are coming home in a few hours. I fucked up bad. wheresthegoatat: why were you drinking alone EpicToastable: Because [monkeys](http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/issues/03_03/03-03_zen_drinking_alone.htm) thats why.

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NarcoticNarcosis: TIFU: Lost the master key set at work. I work as a housekeeper in the tourism/hospitality industry. I'm pretty new at it, and as such I'm not very good, but I've been getting better. However, today as we were starting work, we discovered the master key set, the one that has keys for all the rooms, was missing. Since I had the set last, that makes them my responsibility, at least as far as I'm concerned. Pretty sure my bosses feel the same way. I'm absolutely certain I hung them up where they normally go, but we've gone through most of the rooms today, I've gone through all my stuff, and the other guy working here has gone through all of his stuff, and they're nowhere to be found. I've already been having doubts about my ability to perform this job, but this pretty much seals the deal. I've created a huge breach in security that's going to cost quite a bit of money to fix, (new locks, new keys, new copies, etc.) and even if nothing bad happens, I've pretty much cemented myself as a liability. Regardless of the keys turning up or not, I'm incredibly close to resigning. The owners aren't actually making all that much money doing this, they live on the property, and I'm cutting into their livelihood. All I wanted was to do a good job and make some money over the summer. OH, and to top this all off, I'm over 3,000 miles from home and have about $200 to my name. This is also the first job I've had in about a year. **TLDR** Lost keys to all the rooms that now have to be replaced and/or changed. First job in a year, 3,000 miles from home and pretty close to broke. [UPDATE]: Brought up the issue to my boss. He obviously wasn't happy about the fact, but he said he did appreciate my honestly and willingness to take responsibility. The keys are being replaced, and they original set will probably turn up eventually, seeing as how I never left the property with them. It's not a big place. Gevits: People fuck up. The fact that you're aware of the situation you've created shows that you're more competent than you think. Own up to it and get back to work. Tarkaan: This, and the fact that he didn't immediately blame someone else shows character.

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gigermunit: TIFU and now have a large scar on my tailbone I am about 125-130 pounds and my height is I suppose 5 foot 9 or 10. I wanted to start getting in shape to gain some weight and muscle so I have been recently been working out every other day. My reason for working out was I was sick of being known as the skinny kid and I noticed my stomach didn't look as good as it once did, my way of fixing that was doing situps. Now I usually work out in gym shorts on the ground or on a situp bench but I live in Florida and it's now summer so it's hot as hell and until this week gas was too expensive to go anywhere. I decided I would stay home and do my situps in my room on the rug, this was a bad idea, after hitting number 85 I felt this extremely warm spot on my ass. I thought nothing of it as I usually have problems sitting on the floor for long that makes my cheeks numb so I just checked it off as that and continued. When I hit 100 I felt this extremely sharp pain and took it as an indication I was done and something is horribly wrong. I went to touch the spot that hurt and felt something like a wet leather material sticking out of my lower back. I got a mirror and proceeded to check in the bathroom. To much of my surprise I had not only rubbed my tailbone raw but under that I can only assume the friction from my situps caused me to burn a clearly indented defined hole on my right ass cheek next to the tailbone. It has pained me to sit down for days now but I have put some numbing solution on it and cushioned myself when I sit with a jacket. TL;DR: Wanted to work out my abs, ignored pain in lowerback, hit 100 situps and burned a hole on my ass cheek. asnof: Contrary to popular belief situps are quite bad for your back and there are other alternatives to abs. I recommend taking on p90 or insanity 60(if youre hardcore). Also remember most of the results you see come from diet so you need to feed yourself accordingly gigermunit: I have, I will try p90 as soon as my friend finds his dvd of it.

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notarapist72: TIFU at an intersection doing 90 km/h http://i.imgur.com/zpThE.jpg notarapist72: stereotype woman cant drive, goes thru red light, hits me Switchitis: So someone hit you? If that is the case, they fucked up, you did not. notarapist72: Still a fuck up in my mind Mech1: You should try a V8, you do not have to wait til 5k RPMs to get the power you need. j/sing notarapist72: Vtec engages at 3500. FortunaExSanguine: Depends on which engine.

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[deleted]: TIFU: Ruined a friend's 21st Birthday Party So today saw a friend of mine, we'll call him Jay, turn 21. His family had organised a party, renting out a social club, putting on a DJ, food and whatnot. It was a good party until I fucked up big time and was pretty much forced to make a quick exit. You see, while a load of Jay's friends had been invited, it was predominantly a family gathering. All sorts of aunties, uncles, cousins, family friends and so on. It was a fancy dress party, too - inconsequential to the story, but the fact that I was dressed as Buzz Lightyear (complete with foam wings!) definitely adds a certain element to the scene that unfolded... Now, Jay is the drummer in a band, he's really into music and is quite talented, as such his parents had made an awesome cake, styled to look like a snare drum. It was unveiled on a table in front of the stage to many oohs and ahhs, this cake was damn impressive! Eventually, as the evening progressed and we all got steadily drunk, the party was pretty dull with it being a family event, so me and a few of my friends decided to head to the dance floor. The dance floor was in front of the stage, which, if you remember, is where the cake was placed on a table. Everything was fine, everyone having a good time and having a little dance, when my inebriated self decided it was time to step up the dancing game; I crack out my best moves. More people start getting involved and coming over to the dance floor, as I decide for the old favourite - the worm. But the worm, you see, wasn't a great idea. For as I did it, I moved steadily backwards, feet first, toward the table. Then, with one almighty thrust of my body, I booted the table from underneath. I didn't get to see the flight in all its glory, as I was facing the other way, but I'm told the cake was graceful in its short-lived airborne experience. What I did see though, was the utterly ruined cake on the floor. Splattered. Unsalvagable. Smeared across the ground. It had easily dropped 6 foot, flipping over as it went. Jay's parents weren't very happy with me, as you can understand, and within about 5 minutes it'd become quite apparent that I was no longer welcome, so off I went. Jay's mother was crying at this point. Erk. Anyway, I've since spoken to Jay, and he's fine with me, appreciates that it was an accident and that having the cake even near the dance floor was stupid to begin with. But he also advised I avoid his parents for a little while, apparently they're pretty pissed. Turned out that they wanted it to be a family event, as they were scared that his 'crazy friends would mess things up'. I was that guy. So there you go. That's how I fucked up today. **TL;DR:** ***Booted a birthday cake while dressed as Buzz Lightyear, bailed.*** ravia: You are a bad person. warboy: meh, not really. I would like this guy as a friend. ravia: I was joking... warboy: I know not all jokes are funny but I think you are stretching when you call your post a joke. ravia: If it actually has to be s p e l l e d out that in this context he is not a bad person, there is something wrong. That is all. ಠ\_ಠ warboy: This is like some double rainbows level shit here. WHAT DOES IT MEANNNNNN? ravia: It means that on the basis of the OP's story, it shouldn't even be in question whether he's a bad person. Thus, one should be able to say, "you are a bad person" and the only possible realistic meaning is that it is a joke. Now, one can rejoinder that people who downvote such a comment are simply imagining that the commenter saying that is just a jerk for whom it is precisely in question, and the question has indeed been answered: that OP is a bad person. But one take on this is to say that *even to downvote* such a comment plays into it's being possible in this context, as if one were treating the question itself seriously. My point is that it should be so far out of the question that it is not even possible to *downvote* the comment. In such an instance, were some dialogue to ensue in which the commenter (me) were to proceed to actually try to back up such a ridiculous claim (that OP is a bad person, and here's why!), at that point, I'd want to see something along the lines of "are you *serious*? I mean I figured you *had* to be joking!" This would seem a bit of an unfair way to take this, given that there are real idiotic trolls and all, but for some reason I am inclined to take the stance of accentuating the fact that it's out of the question by *not* saying that it's joke. It's a bit like saying, "Oh, you have red hair? You are a *bad person*! **Just kidding!!**" You can see in this example why it's odd to actually have to specify that one is joking in the case of another's having red hair. Well, how about that? I'm actually saying that the OP's lack of true "badness" is on the level of, say, having red hair. This is along the lines of South Park's famous Ginger episode(s), in which they definitely didn't take pains to say, "by the way, this is a joke". It also reminds me of an SNL skit in which a Latino comic (not sure why it was Latino/Mexican) would punctuate every single joke he made on a TV show in the skit with a funny sound to *let others know he was joking*. At some point the skit brought attention to this very issue, the point being that if you have to say you're joking about something like that, something is wrong. I guess it is a bit of a double rainbow thing. But then, people are complicated already. In fact, I think people *are* double rainbows! warboy: Dude... ravia: DUDE!!!!!!!!

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Switchitis: TIFU: Took a shot up dish soap. My friend is visiting from Washington and we headed home to drink and hang out for a while. After getting there we pulled out about 10 bottles of alcohol and decided what to try first. I pour myself a shot of some pink fruity smelling hard alcohol and faced it. I realized once I swallowed it that it wasn't actually alcohol, it was pink dish soap in a tequila bottle. Proceeded to throw up in her sink and rinse my face hole out with hot water. Bottle of "alcohol" I drank from : http://imgur.com/Km5C3 TLDR: Friends parents keep dish soap in a tequila bottle and I took a shot of it. FromTheHood: Shiiieeet, a homeless whiteboy that live outside my apartment gets drunk on mouthwash. Shit's fucked on the real. Xvapor1zerX: Huh? BabyFetusMuncher: "Shit, a homeless Caucasian which lives outside this man's establishment becomes inebriated off of mouthwash." Xvapor1zerX: Oooh ok NOW I understand

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betadan: TIFU: How I broke a bathroom I wasn't using. The following story did not occur today. However I just found TIFU. A little insight may help explain how this happened. As far back as I can remember I have never handled humidity very well. Sadly I have never outgrown this. So here begins my story. It was a humid and cloudy day. I was helping a friend and his family move. All went well during the move. However... After pizza was eaten I felt a rumbling in my stomach. It was the kind that I usually get when I have eaten greasy food on a day like this. I asked to use the bathroom (there was no time to make it home), and was advised to use the upstairs bathroom. This was one of the most epic craps I had ever taken, This was a triple flusher. As I am flushing for the third time I hear "STOP FLUSHING". I went white. I washed up, luckily I had no need for a fourth flush. When I arrived down stairs I was advised that the downstairs bathroom toilet was overflowing. There was crap everywhere, my crap to be exact. The only reason they knew it was overflowing was because their 5 year old was asking for towels to use in the now broken bathroom. did I mention that said bathroom was carpeted. I felt so horrible. Of course I offered to pay for any repairs. About a week later I was talking with my friend, It turns out that the plumber they hired found literally years of built up "waste" in the pipes. Since this was the case the landlord had to pay for the whole thing as it would have happened sooner rather than later. Sadly though, I was still "that guy" ludicrousattainment: Their toilet has carpet floor? ಠ\_ಠ Xvapor1zerX: Unusual?? ludicrousattainment: Isn't it? I mean the after you finish shower, the carpet will be soaked and.... Xvapor1zerX: Shower curtains/doors? A throw rug at the base of the tub? Actually drying your feet before you get out? violencewithin: i have seen fully carpeted bathrooms. thats what he meant

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MrGoldenVoice: TIFU: How I Got Fired From My First Job This was about a year ago but I was not a Redditor at the time. So, let's time-travel back one year, shall we? Okay. I worked as a Head Cashier at a local farm goods store. One of the products that the store is really careful of is Glyphosate. What Glyposate is, is a liquid fertilizer that farmers use, and they protect this shit like gold. Freeze frame. We'll come back to this. Two days prior: I had unfortunately ended the longest relationship I've had with a girl. Six months to be exact. The same girl whom I lost my virginity to and took to Senior Prom. Not exactly a good way to spend your 4th of July. Okay, back to work: I'm already in a depressed mood because of the breakup, so I'm in somewhat of a mental fog. A gentleman comes in with a big pushcart carrying 15 cases of Glyphosate. Our checkout technology is advanced enough to where I can scan one item and then just enter how many items the person actually has of that product. I thought I had typed in 15, but instead typed in 1. The farmer walked out of the store with over $500, yes, over $500 worth of free glyphosate. Just an hour later, the manager calls me into his office and tells me about what happened, and that I was subsequently fired. Because of the firing, I have had to forego spending all 4 years at the college of my dreams, and start at a community college. (No disrespect to the CC, just not how I envisioned my college years.) I was also making a dollar over minimum wage. So paychecks were never better. Feels bad man. TL;DR Got complacent, screwed up a huge purchase, cost the store 500 bucks, and got fired. Feelsbadman le_catchy: I got fired from my job at Blockbuster because a customer gave me weed. they came back as I was closing up and just plonked a handful onto the counter and left. [deleted]: It might not have been the act of them giving you weed, but your actions afterwards. What did you do after said event? le_catchy: haha, well that's where I got stupid(*er*). on another shift, I told the story of getting the weed - online... on the work computer. I didn't think they actually checked the internet history - since all the other employees used to go on Facebook on the work computer all the time. still, I should've known better. [deleted]: Yea... Even though you already know, it doesn't hurt to say it: If you do anything on a work computer, the IT department **can** see it... if they want to. le_catchy: in my case it was the "big boss" from another city who found it. my manager tried to battle for me, but yeah... I consider myself lucky they didn't call the cops. [deleted]: Well, I do have to ask: What did you do with the weed? le_catchy: I shared it with my neighbour, who taught me how to roll a joint. [deleted]: I hope it was good, because that's not what you should have done... le_catchy: it was. she was 30 something, and I was 18, and she told me about her adventures in Amsterdam and London. what would you have done? [deleted]: Reported it to my manager/supervisor, ask about calling the police. I don't smoke, or whatever it is called when you smoke weed. le_catchy: >I don't smoke, or whatever it is called when you smoke weed. ah, well that makes a lot of sense. I should clarify - I smoke weed. but even if I didn't, I wouldn't call the cops. I don't agree with cannabis prohibition. (we don't need to do the thing where you disagree with my stance, and then I disagree with you and then we have a big ol' disagreement party and then one of us loses an ear or something) [deleted]: Well, I don't agree on prohibition either. It's their body, ya? Let 'em do what they want with it. I'd rather people be high off their ass than drunk. Even so, the law is the law... you might disagree with it, but it's still there. That's why it's important to vote kids. le_catchy: yeah, but have you seen the cannabis laws in Australia? at least in America, they're starting to see sense. but here... you either break the law to reap the benefits of smoking weed (medicinally or not, it still affects your body in a positive way) or lawfully drink alcohol. it's not uncommon for people in my city to drink until they black out on a weekly basis.

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canipaybycheck: 15,000! Hey everyone, Congratulations on reaching 15,000 subscribers! Despite being 13 weeks old, we are still in the [top thirty hottest subreddits](http://redditlist.com/hot-new). We hope that you'll continue to promote us around reddit whenever you see any fuck-ups that belong on /r/tifu. This is also an announcement of a new "rule". The mods thought that [this thread](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/uhwuo/tifupdate_had_successful_date_with_dream_girl/) was a great potential feature for the community to enjoy. So, from now on, we are encouraging update posts that begin with "TIFUpdate." I'll end this with a question for all of you. Do you have any other ideas for the future of this sub? In other words, what would you do to improve the community? Please post your thoughts in the comments here, and we'll be sure to review them. Thanks! Vusys: http://i.imgur.com/I5ess.png Today you fucked up your custom CSS. SaltyChristian: OH SNAP SON IS THIS ON MOBILE OR SOMETHING IT'S NOT DOING THAT FOR ME GIMME THE DEETS SO I CAN FIX IT Edit: Does it work now? Vusys: Works. Now it's merely ugly on distinguished comments :) SaltyChristian: I'M A GENIUS But I don't know how to make it white like the username when it's distinguished with RES Vusys: a.author[href$="/canipaybycheck"]:after { content: "✓"; color: #EE2C2C; font-size: 10pt; display: inline-block; margin-right: 0.5em; } a.author.moderator[href$="/canipaybycheck"]:after { color: #fff; } SaltyChristian: Thank you :)

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VelvetOnion: TIFU - I left a case of beer on the bus. I bought a case of 4 Pines Kolsch on my way home from work, put it on the seat next to me. Then I ran off the bus leaving it behind. [deleted]: Did you fuck up? Or did you make someone's day that little bit better? VelvetOnion: Nice way of thinking about it. FromTheHood: Unless some alcoholic fellow came along and you contributed to his addiction. [deleted]: And then beat his wife because he was drunk... runean: And then double dipped... His Kit-Kat, that he took a bite of all four fingers instead of breaking it apart... 11equals7: you Monster. Schaffersaurus: That's not the worst part... He then posted [this](http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3pmte8/) on 9gag.

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Azethian1989: TIFU: Broke a toilet, Set the house on fire, Jerked off in another girls bed and wiped it on her sheets, knocked down a sign at a grocery store, took a long bus ride back to Connecticut. I recently found TIFU and decided I would tell the story of the most fucked up occurrences to ever happen to me over the course of a few days. Let's start with the backstory. I live in South Carolina, I had a friend who was getting married soon and he had invited his fiancee down with her friends to have some fun. Me and one of her friends hit it off and had some sex, fast forward two weeks and she says I should visit her in New York. I decided I would spend Spring Break with a buddy in Connecticut and then she would pick me up and bring me to her place in New York, then I would take a bus back. So I get to New York all fine and great, this chick goes down on me in the car and I can tell she is ready to jump on a fence post. We get back to her place where she lives with her 3 roommates. They had spring break at a different time so they had class all day while I derped around the house during the day. Day 1: We go to the grocery store to buy some food. I was tossing an orange up in the air and catching it while we were walking. I somehow managed to have it land perfectly on top of a sign down one of the rows and it broke the chain off, causing the sign to slam down into a row of food before breaking the other chain and dropping to the floor. Day 2: We get drunk and have some fun and some of her roommates go to bed. It was the chick and one other roommate there talking about how much they hate another girl (Let's call her Debby). Well in my drunk state, I was like, "wouldn't it be funny is someone jerked off in her bed and rubbed it on her sheets?" We all laughed and said that would be hilarious. Well you know, its all fucking cool when were are drunk, but when I actually did it, I become a goddamn Satanic worshiper. They instantly disapproved, although they all laughed, and they just washed her sheets before she got back from class so she would never know. Day 3: I decide to be cool and wake up early and cook breakfast. I started working on bacon and eggs while I had myself a bowl of cereal. My chick had woken up and asked me to help her move some boxes in her room. I put my bowl of cereal on top of the fridge for some reason and went to help her. Another roommate woke up and went to the fridge, the bowl fell on the ground and broke everywhere. This was unfortunate but still not that bad. I soon realized the bacon was burning because the fire alarm had gone off. Evidently, on their campus, when a fire alarm goes off, everyone in the dorms, even separate dorms, have to walk outside until the emergency is fixed. So I got to stand there as easily 1000 people walked outside to see who fucked up. You could tell when the campus safety showed up that is was me >.< Day 4: Even after all this, my chick and I were still on good terms and still having sex and such. Now I normally don't like to shit in other people's houses unless I know them pretty well and not just fucking them on the side, but I really had to go. I waited until everyone left for class and took a well deserved shit. It felt amazing to get all of it finally out. Soon enough, I was done and went to flush. The toilet started to overflow and I desperately tried to get it to stop. My shit then proceeded to start plopping on the floor and poopy water ran over the side of the toilet. They did not have a plunger so I used the internet to try to figure out ways to unclog the toilet before they get back. I tried a hanger, pouring hot water into the toilet, putting my hands in trash bags and just digging in there, I was freaking out. I finally had to go asking around for a plunger and was delighted to see everyone was back home when I got back and was talking about how I shit all over the floor. By this time everyone was kind of done with me and made the rest of the day as awkward as possible. I went to the Bus Agency later that afternoon to get my ticket changed for the next day and left very early in the morning without saying a word. TL;DR I met a chick, visited her, broke signs, jerked off on a girls bed, clogged toilet, set house on fire, and snuck out. WhatTheGentlyCaress: > another girl (Let's call her Debby) Why bother calling her Debby, when you never refer to her again? Azethian1989: Youre right, I suppose I can give some back story to why they hate "Debby". Evidently she is a whore that sleeps around and brings guys back all the time. Her roommates did not enjoy waking up every other morning with some strange dude in their house. I guess they didnt hate her enough. matty8888: Strange dude in house that breaks things, starts fires, and spreads shit everywhere.

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sorepheet: TIFU accidentally gave toll booth 2 nickels sandwiched between 2 quarters. Now I have a court summons over $.40! [X-Post from /r/Maine] http://www.reddit.com/r/Maine/comments/ulfm5/gave_incorrect_change_at_toll_accidentallthave_an/ The part that really frosts my ass is that my car in under my lady's EZ-Pass. If I had just rolled through that it would have been oh silly me I don't have the pass in the car. Nope I try to do the right thing, ACCIDENTALLY give incorrect change and get berated by the state trooper. He asks me in the most condescending tone, "You know how to count, right? How old are you? You went to elementary school?" I answer, "Yup." "Middle school?" He asks. "Yup." I answer. Tone gets even more sarcastic. He asks me, "High school?" I say, "Yes. Sir." Being sure to enunciate each word loud and clear. He goes on with, "Some college?!" "That's correct officer, finished even." I answer more quickly and coldly. He then let's me know he has no reason to believe that I made a mistake and was actively trying to rip the state off. I show him the multiple quarters, dimes and nickels at my disposal that can make this situation go away. He huffs and goes back to his car. For 15 MINUTES! I knew there was no more discussion to be had with this man. He handed me my summons for "theft by deception" had me sign and asked if I had any questions. I asked what class crime this was and he told me it was a misdemeanor. He then told me I should be careful since toll took a pic of my license plate they could suspend my registration. TL;DR I made a mistake. My question I guess is do I call and file a complaint? He was super sarcastic, condescending and rude. Officer was not interested in a dialogue and had mind made up before reaching my car. What would you do reddit? EDIT: Woah! Guess I pissed someone off in law enforcement with this post. Someone went on a downvote spree on my comment history. 300 less karma this morning. Interesting. EDIT 2: Looked up Violation 17-A Sec. 3571A Class E http://www.mainelegislature.org/legis/statutes/17-a/title17-Asec357.html Feeling a lot better about my case. I DID try to make the situation right and it was $.40!!! EDIT 3: Just heard back from lawyer. Sending him the summons. He's calling BS on the charges. GO TEAM! I'll be sure to post a TIFUpdate when I know more Ninwa: Any updates? sorepheet: Unfortunately no. My lawyer is opting for what he calls, "Defense by cop death" aka draw this hint out until either 1) cop dies or 2) whoever can represent prosecution will see the hilarity in this minor $.40 infraction and the whole thing will go away. Court date is in August. I don't have to go, lawyer will put in my plea as "Not Guilty" and we'll go from there. Only real regret is that same week I share my fuck up some chick shits on her man's dick and I don't get TIFU of the week LOL. Shit happens amiright?! rhubourbon: Any new developments? sorepheet: In process of working through our "case". Painfully slow, I just wish someone with some common sense would look at the whole thing and laugh it off and end this mess. I'll be sure TIFUpdate when I know more [deleted]: How about now? sorepheet: Latest: My car WAS under EZ Pass as of May 1st. I guess while I was being harassed by the cop I failed to mention that to him. The way I see it now the state owes me $.60! Hazah! I let my lawyer know about the fact my car is registered under EZ Pass. He's doing this Pro bono for me so I still await his response. I'll be sure to do a TIFUpdate when I get this issue resolved. Thanks for checking in. [deleted]: Haha wow, I can't believe this is still going on, 6 months in the future sorepheet: Tell me about it. It's ridiculous. Obviously the state has bigger fish to fry. Oh well, the wait continues. PhilaDopephia: Anything? sorepheet: Waiting on my lawyer. We're still waiting for a court date. He is doing this pro bono, so I'm at the bottom of his priority list. Believe me when I know I'll be sure to post an TIFUpdate!

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t3_umkor

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jebus_cripes: TIFU by getting caught shoplifting after successfully doing it for a year. I started shoplifting about a year ago because my wages were being garnished and I literally had no money. I'd put a few things in my bag then buy a few other things. Today somehow I got caught, and since it was over $20 they had to call the cops. Although since I cooperated I did not get arrested. I do have a court date, not sure of the fine I'll have to pay though. On the plus side, I got to keep the groceries I paid for. FlightLevel360: You've been fucking up for the past year, not just today. jebus_cripes: Yeah I know. But I wasn't stealing like televisions and shit I was stealing food like fruit. Today I got caught with bananas and Lean Cuisines. FlightLevel360: It's not what you're stealing, it's the act of doing it. I know that it isn't easy to get jobs in this economy, but those who try eventually succeed. Good luck in getting everything straightened out the right way :) jebus_cripes: I know. I've learned my lesson. And I'm glad it's not worse. I've got a job, but my hours just got cut, which makes it suck. But thanks.

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br0kenr3crd: TIFU: Went abalone diving, lost my dive bag and gauge...and the abalone I had in my bag. EDIT: Dove down through some heavy sea grass and kelp. Ran out of air and was struggling to get to the surface, got tangled up in the kelp and finally ripped free only to find out when I got to the surface that my catch for the day was now sitting somewhere in the dense growth of ocean. Some other diver that day may have been very happy with that find. faenorflame: Well, all things considered, at least you live to dive another day. br0kenr3crd: Very true JustALilWhale: Be careful. I didn't read that you were poaching abalone but my cousin went to prison for like 4 years for poaching abalone. He caught like 2 more than his limit he had a license for and there was a warden, or whatever they're called in the ocean, waiting for him at the surface when he came up. He got comfortable always bringing a couple extra with him when he went out, and it caught up with him...

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t3_umq5l

t5_2to41

11equals7: TIFU: I plugged in my tablet charger and got sparks. Result: fried tablet. Bluebraid: Wait. What part of this is your fuck-up? DCMFDOOM: You're supposed to plug your charger into the wall, and then into your device to prevent the unfortunate even of this happening. 11equals7: I learned it the hard and sparking way. darthelmo: Your sacrifice will not go in vain; I did not know this information previously, and I thank your brave, brave tablet for his noble deed.

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t3_umrst

t5_2to41

Perf1ction: TIFU: I was texting a girl I liked all day yesterday, I caused her cellphone bill to be > $160 Due to circumstances I have a phone from the US, but I live in Canada (where the girl lives). We started texting and I forgot to warn about the probable long distance charges. We ended up texting all day yesterday and partway into the morning. Earlier today she got a text from her provider saying that each text to and from my phone costs $0.80 and we texted ~200 times... I've felt like shit all day. premiumserenium: I don't understand. Why did she have to pay for your texts? Is it normal to have to pay to receive a text? I never heard of that before. SambobmaS: Roaming charges. They suck. Telco's make them a trap for unsuspecting peeps such as these. premiumserenium: It must be different in the US. Over here the increased cost is paid by the person initiating the call or text, not the receiver. Otherwise I could text anyone I wanted and deliberately bump up their bill. People have no choice regarding whether they receive a text or not, it's not like a phone call where they can see it's from an international number before they answer. It seems like a crazy system to me. If I don't have to pay to receive a letter in the mail why should I have to pay to receive a text message? There were several court cases here about telcos charging unfair roaming charges and it ended up with a scheme [like this](http://ec.europa.eu/information_society/activities/roaming/regulation/archives/current_rules/index_en.htm) where all these rules had to be put into place. SambobmaS: International borders change things. US based contracts only apply inside mainland/continental US, these were i'nat texts. That's what I'd guess judging from the price. On a different note, my sister called my mum from Italy for her birthday. Mum lives in Australia. It was a 5 minute phone call on her work mobile phone: $250. premiumserenium: You're right I misread the OP. I had thought he was in the US texting someone in Canada. But he was also in Canada, on his US mobile. So that changes things. It's still nuts to have to pay to receive a text though. I text people in the US fairly regularly (13c each from Ireland), and I never had to pay to receive a reply. For me to ring Australia from my mobile costs [35c per minute](http://www.o2online.ie/wps/wcm/connect/O2/Home/Explore%20Services/Price%20plans/Speakeasy%20prepay/International%20Rates/Australia). And I'm on the most expensive tariff. I don't know how your sister got charged 150 times more. But yeah, I feel for the OP. That's a horrible shock. Kazinsal: That 5 minute phone call on Skype would cost you about half of what one minute costs from your telco. If you have wifi access and Skype on your phone, long distance is so much cheaper that way. And it doesn't sound like absolute crap! Unfortunately you need to load up your Skype account with like ten bucks worth of Skype credit first, and I think it expires...

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bax101: TIFU: Attempted to repair a Skydrol hydraulic pump unit. Ended up with Skydrol all over me. I was asked to fix our hydraulic mule pump because the tank was cracked at the flange. There was no way PRC could hold up to Skydrol because it is so corrosive. So with out any instructions I put the pump on a forklit and placed a metal bucket underneith it. The bucket only had a small hole on the top so I had to attach a funnel to it. There was probably about 5 gallons of Skydrol in the tank and the drain plug was seized up. After finally loosening the drain only a little bit was trickling out. So I decided to just take the drain off completely which was a major fuck up because it started to come out so fast that the funnel backed up and there wasn't enough air flow for it to handle so much fluid. It took in this major air bubble then erupted like a geyser hosing me with Skydrol then I panicked and moved the bucket out of the way to stop the flow with my thumb. I just put my thumb into the drainhole with no glove on to plug it up for a second which made it shoot out to the sides and hose me some more. At least I was smart enough to wear safety glasses, but I had to yell across the hanger for help. Someone came over gave me another bucket so I could free myself, but by this time I was burning all over and I had to go douse myself with castor oil because it neutralizes the burn feeling of skydrol on your skin. Then I had to change my clothes and take a shower, but as I write this I still feel my skin burning on my arms and my cheeks. Here is a link in case you don't know how nasty Skydrol is: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skydrol [deleted]: Holy smokes man, that sounds like it could've been worse than it was. How do you clean that stuff up? bax101: When it's on the floor it's really slippery so I had to put down about 40 pigmats and then I used a zamboni floor cleaning machine to clean the rest up. But when it's on your skin you need to use castor oil which is like rubbing cooking oil on yourself. It sucked especially since the day before I had liquid duct tape glue on my skin which was the worst ever. Fuckin jet fuel leaked into the center fuel bladder and turned the glue on the back of the duct tape into liquid and it was my job to clean it up. Needless to say I was covered in that glue for about 2 days. ZombRat: I think people can now get high by licking your colorful back and make poison arrows from your sweat...

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t3_unabb

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mcmk3: TIFY by coating myself in sticky semen sanchezbloodrush: DUDE. I get that fucking goo shit too! Just don't fap in the shower, it seems to be some kind of chemical reaction with water. CaptO: It's the reaction to the hot water. Fap in a cool shower and it slides right off. smoothisfast: Pro life tip.

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t3_unxku

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU by drawing a penis I was sitting next to my friend in English class and I see he has his daily planner on his desk. I pick it up, flip to a random page, and draw (in pencil) a rudimentary penis. I show him and he laughs. He then takes the planner and (with pen) adds details such as hair and shading. It turns out to be quite impressive. We laugh, close the book, and promptly forget about until the end of class. We both get up to leave and I notice he left his planner on his desk. I note that he is leaving his planner and he says "I thought that was your planner..." We together realize in abject horror that we have drawn the master penis in our uber conservative ne-plus-ultra 60 YO English teacher's planner. ABORT. ABORT. TLDR: A friend and I drew the master penis in a planner that turned out to be the English teacher's. EDIT: Just to clarify, the teacher was female. CrowCrowBro: man I once got in trouble for doodleing around in class with my friend and I just randomly drew a swastika (Mind Im here in germany. I didnt do for any reason but that I think its a funny/interesting shape) Somehow my teacher spots it and he gives me the talk. But my friend coems up with a bullshit excuse and bails me out fortunately. zuzah: The Swastika was actually only made 'popular' during the Nazi times as it was Hitler who adopted it as his symbol. There are a lot of examples of the Swastika in early buddhist cultures on statues, and overall it's only linked to bad things because of Hitler. It's outlawed almost, which is ridiculous, as it meant something good I believe within the buddhist culture before Hitler adopted it. bilwis: It's not almost outlawed; it is *actually* outlawed in Germany. Only if it is displayed for purposes of "education, defense against unconstitutional movements, arts and sciences, reporting on the events of the time etc." is it considered legal. The buddist/hinduist swastika is also commonly displayed as "sqare" (as opposed to the skewed by 45° "diamond") and with the hooks to the left instead of to the right. Alas, *no one* in Germany would not immediately connect the swastika to the nazi terror. It's tainted and likely will remain tainted for the forseeable future, so I am strongly in favor of keeping it prohibited. WhipIash: So, basically the german government is infringing your freedom of speech? Great... bilwis: Yes, you are also not allowed to publicly praise nazis or deny the holocaust. Freedom of speech is only granted within constitutional boundaries. WhipIash: This is ridiculous, and frankly, outrageous! Alright, let's talk about this seriously and have a grown up discussion for a minute, okay? The thing is, I'm not a nazi, nor do I deny the holocaust happened (duh), BUT(!), there's no way *anyone* who didn't witness it first hand can be *absolutely* certain. Let's just say, for the sake of the argument, that some scientists find reasonable doubt that the holocaust actually didn't happen... then what? Every taboo, scientific idea and presumed fact *have* to be revised and looked at every once in awhile. You know, just in case. bilwis: History this recent is subject to facts, not scientific speculation. The probabillity of several million people producing the same lie is zero. Those facts are not disputable, and any attempt to do so is either foolish or malicious. WhipIash: I'm just saying, as a scientist, you can't make *any* assumptions. Well, of course, to test hypothesis you have to make a lot of assumptions, but you only do so to test them. And in a hundred, or two hundred years, how can they know what the holocaust was or even if it actually happened, if we're never allowed to even imply it didn't happen? It's *very* dangerous when a government decides, and even makes a law, that something is true. bilwis: Most of our basic laws are not grounded in science, and rightfully so. Those laws are the codification of the morals of society. We all know that murder is wrong because our collective morals, formed by millenia of culture and religion, tells us so. Science has no part in this, because it cannot prove that murder is "wrong". It is *by definition* free of ethics. Laws hold a different kind of truth than science strives for. WhipIash: Exactly, and the holocaust is, as of now, a scientific and historic fact, not anything you can say happen by making it a law. That's like saying; God is real, it says so in our constitution. This German law apparently bans anyone from questioning scientific facts. Well, that's ridiculous, because remember; it was once a scientific fact that the earth was flat, everything orbited earth, and so on and so forth. The core of my argument is this: one must *always* have the ability to re-check and establish scientific ideas, facts, and theories. bilwis: I agree with you on that. The law as it stands today is certainly a bit harsh and the law should prohibit as few ideologies as possible. However, one must understand that it serves to protect the public, and the youth in particular from people glorifying the nazis and denying the holocaust. The reasoning is that what happened then, 80 years ago, when the nazis rose to power, could happen again in the future if we were to forget what the terrible consequences are. Therefore no one is allowed to deny these consequences in public and especially not in schools. So this is a very special provision which is a unique extension of the prohibition of instigating the public against the constitution. It's not pretty, but it's *actually* for our own protection (I realize that sounds like totalitarian government quote #1, but I don't think any German is going to argue with that [except for the nazis, of course :P]). WhipIash: Haha, so true. I'm no Nazi, but I still believe the Nazis are entitled to their right to believe and say what ever the hell they want. Then again, I of course also have the right to tell them they are bat shit crazy and full of lies. I understand, and am actual in favour of, protecting the public; however, Germany is a democracy, right? So let's ask the hundred million dollar question: if, say, 90% of the population were to believe in Nazi ideology, then they would legally have the power to the whatever the hell they won't, shouldn't they? Because, if not the people themselves (the overwhelming majority at that), who are to tell them what is actually, objectively, right? You? Me? I don't really think so. bilwis: "[...]who [is] to tell them what is actually, objectively, right?" *GOD.* /discussion \*snickers\* WhipIash: mmmm snickers.

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t3_up1vy

t5_2to41

[deleted]: TIFU Well since there isn't a subreddit for 5 years ago I fucked up... Starting with the back story, I was working at Books A Million. And anyone that has ever worked there knows that if your shift says you're off at midnight, you're probably going to be there at 3 am still cleaning up books. Well this was one such night but on top of that we also had inventory so it was going to be an even longer night. I've always been a great guy with the customers and never gotten any complaints, but I'd had enough with the ladies this night. Despite what guys think about ladies bathrooms, they're not clean. It's like a Halloween prank every time I had to go in there, toilet paper everywhere. Well this night I decided that I was going write on the bathroom stall "Toilet paper belongs in the toilet" I was tired enough to find this incredibly amusing. Fast-forward a week, the manager approaches me with a picture of the writing and a sample of my writing from my paperwork. I made the mistake of apologizing and admitting to doing it, I was told to clean it up which was easy enough. The next day I was fired, the only bridge I've ever burned. -_- TL;DR Long night, wrote on bathroom stall, was fired. Edit: I forgot to mention, after I was fired I found out that as the Magazine Specialist that had to put out thousands of magazines every week I was supposed to be paid 25 cents more every hour. Never saw that money. FromTheHood: Burn the store down. Just_Quit_Smokin: With toilet paper as a fire starter. "I told you it belonged in the toilet... Hinhinhin" DykeButte: Who the hell laughs like that? Just_Quit_Smokin: A french ginger that just quit smokin, duh! DykeButte: Congrats on quitting by the way. Just_Quit_Smokin: Thank you, it's been a week now. I decided to drop the cigarette and take up reddit. Not sure Im better on the addiction front though... DykeButte: Reddit's probably more and less healthy at the same time.

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t3_up4d3

t5_2to41

Michi_THE_Awesome: TIFU: I didn't go to work b/c of bad phone habits. I rarely ever charge my phone and I usually leave it around the house. This results in missed calls and me not checking messages for a week at a time. Those are my bad phone habits. Work: I've got two part time jobs (in order to still have the flexibility to go to school). The one IFU is the daytime one where I sub at an elementary school. Well I had been asked for yesterday and tomorrow. B/c my phone was dead and somewhere under a couch cushion I never heard it ring. Apparently (when I thought about checking the messages) the VP called to see if I was coming into work. She had me down as going into work today as well as yesterday and tomorrow. I did not know that. Well I heard two very angry messages. IDK what to do. Should I call and try to explain the situation ,or should I just show up tomorrow and pretend I don't know what's going on? Some advice would most appreciated. Just an FYI the school has messed up my schedule before. They'll say a half day starting at 8am, when they really meant was starting at 11:30am. Or I'll show up on Monday(when they told me Monday), and they really meant Thursday. They'll say Kindergarten class and I end up in a third grade class. This job pays well and the school year ends next week. I want to stay on the sub list for next year. What do I do?!?! If I'm advised to call the school day ends in 3 hours. Please help me!!! EDIT: I called and all is well. I called and to apologize and how I fear there had been a miscommunication. I kissed butt and did my best to clarify the situation. She was very understanding. I am so relieved. I was so sure I was going to be screamed at and possibly dismissed. emilyokay: o wow you are a substitute? i think that means that you need to be better with your phone. ! anyway if you are a good liar then say "my phone was broken" or something. if you are not a good liar, apologize and offer a candy bar when you show up tomorrow etc and never do it again. oh and i would call the school as well and try to come in tomorrow. like i said either lie or not... that's your choice. i would def call the school now no matter what. just either lie and say your phone was broken or tell the truth and apologize. Michi_THE_Awesome: I have it so they call me in advance with the dates, not as an on call whenever thing. I try to keep the phone where I'm most likely to be (on the couch reading, near the computer, etc) I also have a regular home phone located in the kitchen. But for whatever reason I heard no ringing from either phone. I think I'm going to call and tell them the truth, but in a more diplomatic way (not i'm so freaking sorry blah blah blah phone excuse blah blah). I'll update with my actual script and their reaction. Maybe a muffin basket? I feel very anxious about calling. emilyokay: well that sort of sucks but still.. if it is good money i think you can make the effort to come in at last notice once and a while and also update your phone... eh not a muffin basket do something store bought because home made things can annoy people... but only if you really want to, it's your choice... Michi_THE_Awesome: Aren't muffin baskets store bought? I'm calling now, and bringing in the goodies tomorrow morning. emilyokay: oh well i guess some are... again you don't have to but that's the way i try to deal with problems or say thank you haha Michi_THE_Awesome: I feel like goodies/bribes work wonders. How mad can you at the person who brought you a basket of blueberry muffins? (she likes blueberry muffins)

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t3_up5a7

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[deleted]: TIFU and used the wrong restroom. This actually happened about a month ago. I'm waiting outside my next class and I have to pee. Now, at this school every restroom is the same--men's on left, women's on right, back to back. I've used this particular restroom several times before. But for some reason on this day my brain decided that the left one was women's. So I go in, despite the fact that the stalls and sinks are on opposite sides of the room. The urinals don't even register. I'm in the stall and someone comes in, pees, and leaves. This would have been great, no harm done and no realization of my mistake if another guy hadn't come in right as I'm coming out of the stall. I take a good look, trying to figure out if he's just a manly looking girl or if I just walked into the men's restroom. jesselikesfood: A fuck-up usually means there are one or more victims... this is more of a "whoopsie-daisy" xSleyah: Fair enough.

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[deleted]: TIFU by telling my best friend's crush not to fall for him This happened two years ago but thought I would share. So my ex-best friend, who lets just say gets angry for almost everything, had a crush on this girl who actually had a huge crush on him first. Anyways all was going good and she told him that she would go out with him as soon as she turns 16 (she is really cool with her parents so that means she has to follow every rule they give her which was she wasn't allowed to date anybody til she turned 16 because of a previous relationship also he was 17 at the time when she was 15. Lets call my best friend Mario and the girl Rafaela). Anyways one day one of my other close friends asks me if this one girl is a slut and I told him hell yea and that he will catch something if he messes with her and apparently she did a few nasty things with the ex boyfriend of Rafaela. Apparently when Rafaela was going out with her ex, he sent her a pic of his hard cock and it was a finger size one. Rafaela told Mario and told him its a secret, Mario told me and said it was a secret, and my dumbass accidentally told my close friend it was secret and I guess it went back to her. She got mad at him, he never told anybody besides me and then told me. He got extremely pissed and called me cussing me out and then saying we are no longer friends. Before this, he has been acting terribly toward me, his coach (he was very athletic), his dad, and other friends even Rafaela. I guess Mario was so pissed that he even cussed out Rafaela before calling me. This pissed me off. After he called me to tell me that we weren't friends anymore, Rafaela called me and literally asked me if he was taking steroids. Since we weren't friends anymore I told her that he told me he was thinking about it and since I was pissed I told her that all her wanted was sex. Yes I know I fucked up I still regret it today. He apologized a week later, now Rafaela thinks that, and I had that in my back. I confessed almost a month later because I felt it was the best thing to do. We were no longer friends shortly after that, and he officially told me we were not friends when summer began. He apologized almost 9 months later but nothing has been the same since. TL;DR: Best friend told me secret, I told somebody and went back to him. He told me we weren't friends and I got mad, told his future gf all he was interested was sex. Confessed to him later on and we were no longer friends. Now we're cool but it is not the same. Just_Quit_Smokin: You did not fuck up. You knowingly acted like an asshole... mezzizle: Actually I did fuck up, and I agree I did act like an asshole. But I did fuck up.

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strongbadiophage: TIFU by getting caught watching porn. I was in my little inconspicuous corner of the house where we always put the laptop. No one can see what you are doing but the positioning isn't sinister by any means. Anyways, as my older brother is loading some game or something on the tv, it starts skipping. I say,"Hey man, it's exploding." I guess he thought I was asking for help with the computer and not for him to fix the tv, because he starts coming towards me at the computer. I was currently on Reddit with porn on my other tab. I struggle to quickly close the separate tab and in my rushed clumsiness, I fucking click on the tab instead of the little x! So when he gets there, he sees a bunch of pussy and ass and a hot, smiling porn actress. I hurriedly close it this time, and he leaves. He was facing the screen the whole time. He leaves to go fix the tv, the merciful bastard, pretending he hadn't seen anything. He hasn't said anything about. I feel terrible. But I know he watches porn too so he can't be *too* mad at me. Fuck. Bazzatron: Protip: mouse-wheel click closes a tab ;) I know you were on a laptop, but just saying, I only figured it out a couple days ago by mistake :) strongbadiophage: WHAAAAAAAT mind=blown Bazzatron: You're welcome bro, we all gotta pull together for these noble causes lol! SPDSKTR: I initially read your username as "Brazzerstron." Bazzatron: Maybe you should get your mind out of the gutter then ;) SPDSKTR: Absolutely NOT. It's quite cozy down here...

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throawayeaye: TIFU: I changed the amount on a customers check after they left. Throwaway for obvious reasons, but today at work there was a lady who had came in to buy a few items. We were chatting away about life, when she wrote the check for $56. Well, she saw the total before I added tax, and I didn't notice the amount was off until she left ( should be around $59). So, to cover my tracks I crossed out the total she wrote and changed it to the correct total. I even went as far as to add fake initials. I know I fucked up, and I am so paranoid I'm going to get caught. The closing manager didn't call me when the store closed, so that means the tills are fine. Even if the bank accepts the check, what happens if the customer finds out? I'm freaked out right now. I work tomorrow night and I will update if anything happens. Any advice? I'm seriously sick to my stomach. beigebox: Also? If asked about changing the check, deny everything. People legitimately change checks like this all the time. I've even done it recently - although legitimately (wrote a rent check for the wrong amount, crossed out and initialled the changes, then gave it to the building manager). AlphaWolf1993: Unless there are cameras that cover the register...probably shouldn't lie if it's on tape, just tell them you goofed if need be throawayeaye: There aren't any cameras by the registers that work. There's only one camera in the whole store, and it's a dummy cam. JustALilWhale: I agree with AlphaWolf. It's typically better to admit you fucked up after getting caught then to continue the lie. And sometimes that is the test, is giving you the benefit to come clean and explain the situation because they only know the result.... Panderian109: That's true. Better to admit your human than get caught in a lie and make it worse. So easy to say when it's not happening to you but it's really the truth.

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hullokoala: TIFU and was sprayed by a skunk at close range. I was in front of my house smoking and fiddling with my phone. With smoke time over, I begin my trip to the porch and up the steps, the whole time on auto pilot with my phone in my face. About two feet from the door, I notice a black fuzzy creature that resembled one of our outdoor cats until it turned around to reveal the mini heart attack inducing tell-tale white stripe of the skunk. The little guy appeared to wish to pass me in the opposite direction so, being the courteous gal that I am, I step to the side. He then proceeded to turn around and spray me (body and face), my phone, the new prescription glasses (the glasses spared my eyes!) and half the porch with pungent skunk juice. Breakfast tasted like skunk this morning. asnof: A "supposed" remedy is take a bath in tomato juice. I have never been in a situation to test it though. misssavageone: "Supposed" is definitely the key word there. Sincerely, A redditor who grew up in the country and had a retarded dog. McHammerPants123: One time my dog got sprayed, and we used dawn soap, baking soda, and something else.. Forgot all the ingredients o_o We did it at a car wash. In winter. He was happy. misssavageone: LOL!... Did you tie a nice pine tree air freshener on his collar when you were done? :P McHammerPants123: No. New car smell.

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courtneyfightsfoo: TIFU: Looked at ex-boyfriend's reddit account. He commented on someone's post and said I was dead to him and lied about buying me a cat. I don't know why I looked at it. I knew it would make me upset but I did it anyway. Brisaster: Why would he lie about buying you a cat? That seems a bit pointless... courtneyfightsfoo: To make me sound worse than I am I suppose. Brisaster: Either way, if he's like that then it's a good thing he's in the past. :)

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Infernuzz666: TIFU: Got fired from internship Well, actually this story is from a two years ago, and I thought I'd share it now that I had found out this subreddit. I was still in high school, where we were obligated to do an internship of 25 hours at a non-profit organisation which were helping people in a way. Me and a friend decided to find one together to make it a little easier for us, and had some trouble already finding one. Finally we found a second-hand shop where the profit would be used to save countries with a bad economy. So while we were happy to finally have an internship, we had to clean up really dirty shit from for example furniture and there wasn't even a single "thank you" from our 'leader' at the end of the day. It was just as if we were expected to be her personal slaves as she had the ability to judge us on our final review. After a while my friend got a bit unfocused on the stuff we had to do and he started fucking around with little elastics. He got told to cut it out a few times but kept on going. After a while this bitch comes up to us and tells **we** have to stop doing this, she got angry at particularly me. While I and another voluntary guy working there were trying to explain I had nothing to do with it, I was being treated like trash. She got angry at me and threatened to fire me from the internship *(she had threathened before)*, which would get me in trouble at school. I couldn't hold my anger inside any longer, called her a fucking bitch and told her to not be so fucking stupid. Then I was fired, my friend could stay though, because he apparently did nothing (according to her). The worst part of it was that I had done **23** of the 25 hours, and then had to explain my supervisor at school what happened, while the bitch had already called school and made me look like an asshole. I had to look for a new internship and had to do another 10 hours. Luckily my new internship was at my father's place and other workers in that area and I had to do all kinds of random stuff which were way more fun, I even got thanked to do this for them and sometimes got double hours from them for my hard working. [deleted]: You told the dragon bitch to fuck off and ended up with a better internship with awesome people. Glad you won in the end, bro. [deleted]: Hehe, thanks!

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ipitythefail: TIFU-Left my shoes at the park. I was hanging out at the park with a bunch of friends, and then we left to go to Waffle House. I forgot that I had left my shoes in the middle of the fucking playground. I went to get them about 30 minutes later and they were gone. Fuck. FromTheHood: People get beat up and shot for their nice sneakers. Stay safe my man. But anyway, now you will probably value your shoes a lot more and never forget. fuckitletsgo: [NEVER FORGET](http://imgur.com/VOsKL)

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[deleted]: TIFU: sent a video gore video too some chick. I had just watched this crazy video of a bear mauling some guy and I wanted to sent it too my friend on Facebook, so after writing something on the lines of "you should watch this" and adding the link at the end I sent it to him. Right after I closed the chat I realized I had sent it too the wrong person and freaked out, so I quickly told her not watch it and that I had sent it too the wrong person. [deleted]: Well, did she watch it ? And link pleaase. I_Am_The_Moonstar: http://www.bangedup.net/video/225/bear-attack

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emikokitsune: TIFU: Walking into a bathroom without knocking first, my brother-in-law was in there... I woke up half asleep this morning and went straight to the bathroom because I really had to pee. I figure it's super early (6:50am) and no one is in there. I was staring at my feet the entire time as well (for some reason I look down when sleepy). My brother-in-law was standing there. All I saw were his feet and his boxers around his feet. Luckily I saw nothing more. Still awkward. **TLDR: Sleepy me opened bathroom without knocking and saw brother-in-law's feet and underwear around his ankles. Luckily saw nothing more.** iamzombus: Who drops their drawers to their feet? emikokitsune: Honestly I have no idea what he was doing. I'm guessing he was peeing, but it looked like he was in front of the sink. So I'm just not going to think about it....

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MyNewPants: TIFU and realized I lost all the sources for my 10 page research paper due today. Really, I have no idea where they went. Dean999111: Sorry if it's silly of me to think you may not have considered this, but are some of them saved in browsing history? If not, good luck in finding your sources. MyNewPants: hahahaha it is alright! The first draft of our research paper was due a month ago and we got it back a week ago. I was looking to put the finishing touches on it and... well no sources. I tend to delete my browsing history once a month to keep the internet running a little bit faster platy1234: > I tend to delete my browsing history once a month to keep the internet running a little bit faster lol MyNewPants: Okay I get it. It may not be the reason my internet runs faster but, it seems like if I have a clear browser history the pages tend to load more often Frenchy-LaFleur: It is not the history, as so more likely the website cache and data deletion that would speed up browsing. History is just basic text entries and take up minimal space while the above can take up hundreds or thousands of megs. WhipIash: Hundreds of thousands of megabytes? That would literally be several hundred gigabytes. Frenchy-LaFleur: > hundreds or thousands of megs. Read in proper context. Makes you look like less of a douche. WhipIash: Is there something I'm missing? Dr_fish: The 'or'. WhipIash: Oh.. shit.

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frankfurter89: TIFU: I partied with Pat Kane and pissed my bed More like a few weeks ago I fucked up, but I was at a bar and met Patrick Kane (hockey player). We got super drunk and then I went home. In an attempt to not have a hangover for work the next morning, I drank like 10 glasses of water. I woke up in a giant pool of piss and my mattress still smells. Son of a bitch. SupernaviX: So... Did you get a hangover? [deleted]: Still drunk in the morning. I had to leave work at 2.

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[deleted]: TIFU: My college career may be in jeopardy due to a misunderstood Facebook post. I'm shaking with nerves/stress/distraught right now. I can't handle this. I'm the co-chair of the student theatre organization on my campus, and, as part of my duties, I must keep in contact with the theatre discipline to avoid conflicts. The prof in charge of relations with my org was out of country, but said he would be back near the beginning of June and we would talk about scheduling stuff. Fast forward to this morning. I get a random call from a number I don't recognize. I think to myself, "Oh, it must be Mediacom, I'll just ignore it." Shortly thereafter, I get an e-mail from this prof saying he's back in town and to call him at my own convenience. "Shit!" I say "I completely ignored his call thinking it was the cable company!" To make fun of myself, I post a Facebook status, reading "That awkward moment when you think it's Mediacom asking for the bill when it's really [PROF'S NAME]." A few hours later, I decide to call him. Oops! The number that called me was someone else entirely! My bad! I delete the inaccurate post and search for my prof's number in the directory. I call him, we discuss things, everything seems fine, we say good-bye, and hang up. About an hour ago, I get an e-mail from this prof, with my comment on Facebook attached. The e-mail reads that someone forwarded that message to him, and he is incredibly offended by it. Here's an excerpt: >I think you need to keep in mind that FACEBOOK is NOT private communication between "friends"; it can sometimes become very public and the remarks you make may come back to bite you in the behind--and potentially with far greater consequences than my feeling hurt or annoyed by your insensitive (and I stress again simply untrue) remarks that you seem to have fabricated for reasons I am not totally clear about except that it gives you the opportunity to trade quips with Andrew at my expense. > >I am trying very hard to have a professional relationship with you, and at this point I am not sure I can trust you to be capable of reciprocating. I think we need to talk about this at some point and I think you owe me an apology. I am also hoping that if you have any future problems or concerns with me that you talk to me personally about them and I won't have to discover them on FACEBOOK. I'm in a complete panic right now. Since theatre is entirely subjective and relies on the good graces of the instructors, I'm terrified that this e-mail will mean the death of my college career. I sent him an e-mail stating that I'm very, very sorry and it was all a misunderstanding, but I don't know if that will be enough. What should I do!? tl;dr I pissed off a professor with an "insulting" Facebook post that wasn't even supposed to be insulting and now my ass is grass. jacqueofalltrades: Okay first of all, when you talk to him, just explain that it was a misunderstanding. That should be obvious, you're in college. Second, he said nothing about your college career being jeopardized, besides the fact that he will grade you poorly. If he's so professional, then this will be a non-issue, and I'm sure once you explain things, your relationship with him will be back to normal. Come on man, don't post this to reddit asking advice on what you should do. It's really obvious what you should do and just man up and go talk to him. And go in person, if you didn't already know that. Once you square things with your prof, proceed to hunt and kill the person who forwarded your status to him. EDIT: Sorry that came off as really mean. [deleted]: ha its a fucking theatre major what a joke jacqueofalltrades: What's that supposed to mean? I didn't mean to come off as mean in my last post but I don't mind doing it here: You're a dick. [deleted]: You're a prick my good sir!

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ohmahjah: TIFU: Peed my Pants The title lies. It should be "TYAIFU" (Two Years Ago I Fucked Up). This very well might be the worst moment in my life, and I hope it doesn't get any worse. Let's flash back to 2010. It was a sunny June. I had been out of fifth grade for about a month. I was a safety patrol at my school in Jacksonville, FL. Every Summer, our school (and every school in Duval county) takes the safety patrols on a trip to Washington, DC. I was on that trip, and one of the places our group went was to the Air and Space Museum. There's a big McDonalds attached to it, and we ate lunch there. And you know those unisex restrooms where it's for men **AND** women? Well, It had one of those, and no separate gender restrooms were to be found. And whats worse, I had to piss really bad. I was 11, and I didn't want to be in the same peeing area as girls. And I was afraid everyone would make fun of me for going into the girl's bathroom. So I didn't. I held in the pee for the whole time we ate. It felt like a really long time, but we were only there for half an hour. I was eating my Happy Meal when I felt something warm go down my leg. And I'll be damned if I weren't sitting next to my crush (I have no idea if I said that right). "EEEEWWWW!! JAKE PEED HIS PANTS!!" Everyone was laughing and I was extremely embarrassed. I eventually got the nickname "Pee-Pee Jake". We still laugh about it today. **TL;DR: Peed myself because I was too embarrassed to go to the unisex restroom.** FromTheHood: Sometimes I wish I had a catheter like House so I wouldn't have to get up to go to the bathroom all the time. Bazzatron: I literally just watched that ep - and I don't know if you remember the outcome, but his ripped and the urine ended up all over the floor - so even if your pants stay dry, you still peed everywhere in front of your peers. ALSO could you imagine that you ripped it under your desk? it'd go all over my cables and computer and carpet. Think I'd rather leave my computer for a few seconds a few times daily than run the risk of taking a piss IN my case and having to spend time away from my PC while I wait for the new one to get here... :)

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[deleted]: TIFU: Me vs. Wall and i won So me and my dad haven't always gotten along, its a love hate kind of thing. Hes a technology guy so i asked him why my cell phone battery wasn't holding a charge anymore and he asked to look through it. Then he asks if he can delete a little weather updater i have and i told him no i use it. He goes on a mini rampage, calls me stupid and walks off. He has always called me names and damnit, i have had enough of it. I head to bed and forget about it until today. He brings up the whole thing again when he texts me while i come home from school and without thinking, I punch the wall in anger over the name calling and quickly notice that not only did i punch the wall, my hand went THROUGH the wall. So i'm really screwed because I can't even hide this lovely hole :( P.s who said i was a guy? Tarkaan: If you're punching walls, you have an anger management problem. Xvapor1zerX: Please go on, psychiatrist... Tarkaan: Would you let your sister date a guy who punched holes in walls? Schaffersaurus: I punch walls when I'm angry because it stops me getting angry at other people... quite frankly, if MY sister wants to date a guy who punches walls then so be it. At least he wont be punching her.

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escroto-peludo: TIFU by grabbing a fistful of man-pubes I was post-shower when I noticed that the water level was quite high. I haven't had a problem with my shower drain clogging before, so naturally my first thought was that something had to be blocking it. I look down at what appears to be a loofah sitting on top of the drain, half-submerged in soapy wash water. Without thinking twice I grab it, as me and both my roommates use body scrubs of some sort (I figured I must have accidently knocked it off the wall mid-shampoo). That's when it happened... the "loofah" began breaking apart in my hands and trickling down my forearms. I panicked and immediately shook my hand away from me, the pube snowball hit the wall and splatterd onto the adjacent wall and on my face and chest. I had to shower again and cursed out my roommate in front of his female company. aprofondir: Oh my God that reminds me of that time I picked up a snail thinking it's a fucking stick. EnkiduEnkita: Points which I feel need to be made: 1. Snails do not look like sticks. 2. Snails are *delightful*. 17Hongo: I read this in Stephen Fry's voice. GrassChick: I read it in Philip J. Fry's voice. meatywood: I read it in David Attenborough's voice. TaylerMykel: I can't read!^^^^^^^^^Iamblack. meatywood: lol

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[deleted]: TIFU: I did this to my mother's sidewalk. [deleted]: What is that? A scratch or a scuff? If it's a scuff mark, you can just buff it out with some *goo gone*. If it's a scratch, I have no idea. Famzilla: It was caused by the rim of a tire, and it looks like it just scratched the shiny paint on the top off.... asnof: Here are a few random ideas; try rubbing it with a bounce sheet Get a hand grinder and a polishing wheel. Try giving it a thorough cleaning then painting over it with a laquer then polishing it. It is hard to tell what kind of damage it is from the pics and I claim no responsibility for whatever outcome

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bashfulfruit: TIFU by trying to make a grilled cheese sandwich. I don't really know how to cook, so I looked up how to make one from google. Use the wrong pan, let it heat up, and once I put butter in the pan it shot up in flames. It was then followed by all my fire alarms going off and scaring the shit of me. I don't think I will be touching the stove anytime soon. maliciousa: how the hell does butter catch fire? bashfulfruit: To be honest, I am not sure. Either I have the cooking talent of a Sim, or I put the burner up too high/put it in the wrong pan. I'm still confused. hoss9424: You should have put the butter in the pan, then let it heat up. JustALilWhale: I luckily used a bit of butter so mine didn't catch fire, but I have a bad story to throw in as well. I tried as well looking up online and figured it was easy as cake(which is apparently hard as well). My girlfriend at the time(now wife) and I were fighting and I figured I'd makeup with her by making her some grilled cheese. I burned about 7 or so before she came out and laughed her ass off at me, gave me a hug and in the end we made up anyways. It's been 3 years and I still haven't tried that fiasco again. hoss9424: Butter the pan and bread, medium heat, brown one side, flip and brown the other. JustALilWhale: It may be time for me to try it again, but http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjvQRerJu0g medium heat might be a key factor though >.<

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[deleted]: TIFU by saying "black person" instead of "blackboard" while giving a speech in Chinese I was talking about how someone writes on a blackboard and how they hate the blackboard. It became a very interesting context. feelsbadman.jpg EDIT: This was in my Chinese class Princess_Mango: Please don't write on me. [deleted]: Don't worry. My utensil's ink isn't permanent.

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ThePenisFish: TIFU by calling friend's brother ugly.. long story: So, my best friend..Bob has a friend..John. Me and Bob driving home, Bob sais he need to visit John for a sec just to return smth he borrowed. We're standing at John's house and John comes..he looks...different - he's wearing stupid glasses, some strange boots, also he looks like he was drinking non-stop for a week, so I say: "My, you're an ugly one!!" and start to laught out loud, I laugh and laught, then i look at Bob..he's not laughing, not at all, Bob says: "This is not John, that's his brother Matt". I'm shocked. Matt gives me a i-hate-you-look, takes that borrowed thing from Bob and goes home. sorry for mistakes, i don't speak english good enough. Heve fun. [deleted]: Even if it had been the right person... why would you say that? fenney: Yeah that's not a fuck up, op is just a dick.

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optomistprime: TIFU swinging on a pull-up bar SOOooo My parent's house kinda has this pull up bar in the basement it's not like a proper bar its just some long iron/steel bar the previous owners nailed up, and put some steel cord on to keep it there. Been using it for the last few months no problems. yet tonight, I decided it would be cool to when I go under it, swing off it and propel myself towards the door the other side of the room. You can probably guess from the sub-reddit that the support on the side I swung off just said fuck it and gave way, I crashed to the floor. I considered myself lucky for a moment I didn't take the pole to the face or seem to get hurt in the landing. That's before I looked up rediscovered that when one side goes down on side goes up, yep big damn hole in the ceiling... TL:DR tried to swing on pull up bar, learn't how seesaws work, wrecked ceiling. CaptO: >learn't ಠ\_ಠ MrBenzedrine: that'll learn him!

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Hoelt: TIFU: I accidentally poured out the gin of a customer's drink while the bartender wasn't looking, just before the bartender added the seltzer water and served it. I work as a bus person in a bar and grill. I was taking some washed shot glasses out, and after I put them away one of the bartenders grabbed one of the glasses, put it down, looked at it with what I thought could be a disapproving look, and said to the other bartender, "Okay, this needs to be rinsed. Just rinse it." In the spur of the moment, I thought that I had done something wrong and that the glass I'd brought out was dirty. I picked up the glass and noticed there was a little bit of a perfectly clear liquid in it, and for some reason, somehow thinking this was the 'dirtiness' and feeling self-conscious, as if I'd left something in there, I poured it out on the floor (there are drains behind the bar). I immediately felt like I was doing something I shouldn't be doing even though I couldn't pinpoint exactly why, so I didn't pour it out completely, nor did I take the glass away to wash it, I just left the glass back where it had been hoping no one would notice... my brain was definitely telling me I'd missed something because *nothing* I'd just did made sense. As I had gotten a bit of the liquid on my hand, and the gears in my head had started turning, I sniffed my hand while walking away and it smelled like-- just as I feared-- gin. It then hit me that "rinse" probably means "add seltzer water to" or something like that. I skedaddled back to the kitchen and just facepalmed for a good while. If anyone had noticed I would have died of embarrassment. So, I poured out someone's drink and no one noticed, for absolutely no good reason. It was like clockwork sabotage, except completely accidental. Michi_THE_Awesome: *clockwork sabotage* [](/megusta) [deleted]: I just read clockwork orange... But yeah, I could really mess up a lot of shit in this restaurant if I were evil. Michi_THE_Awesome: Isn't that a movie? Please don't be evil (at the restaurant). Whenever I go out to eat I have to will myself into thinking: They don't really spit in my food. They wouldn't drop it on the floor just b/c I asked for no onions or dressing on the side.... *Waiting* that danged movie... SHFFLE: Movie based on a book, yes.

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MrGoldenVoice: TIFUpdate: After I got fired from my first job. Okay, so after I got fired from the farm store, which honestly was not my type of store in the first place, I received a facebook message from a guy whom I had worked with at a local radio station doing sports. He tells me that there's been a new opening and it won't be a week or so before the company announced the opening. He told me to get a voice recording and a resume together and turn it in. About two weeks after I turned my information in, I get a call that I'm going to be interviewed. When I showed up for the interview, they told me that they just decided to hire me anyway. About a few months after that, having some more radio experience under my belt, I get a phone call from the Operations Manager, who is also the News Director. He tells me that there's an opening for a job within the news department and based on the nature of my audition, that I would be perfect for the job. I speak to him and schedule an interview, and then what happened was almost material worthy of another TIFU, being that I woke up ten minutes before the interview, and I live 30 minutes from where I work. Luckily I look down and he sent me a text earlier that morning saying we needed to reschedule since he was taking that day off due to sickness. (DODGED A BULLET, THERE.) I learned how to grab news from the AP, other news wires, and from press releases which get sent to the fax machine in my office. (Yeah, I have an office now. feelsgoodman.jpg) My new goals for life are to move to state-wide news with the Illinois Radio Network after receiving my Master's Degree from the University of Illinois at Springfield, and then after that, working for a national, or global news organization. I could talk more, but I have to split, gotta do a newscast. Peace! bachrock37: Wow. Um, sorry, but I guess I'm just don't understand the connection from farm supplies to radio news. I've been trying to get a radio job in the Midwest for 6 months and I graduated with a degree in journalism-- internships, honors, etc. People don't just call out of the blue. And they don't put you on air without experience. Congrats for making it, I would give anything for your luck. But I'm a bit incredulous. PrognosisWafflecone: This person posted a few days back that they got fired from a job at a farm supply store because they only charged someone for 1 unit of an expensive item instead of the actual amount. Ended up being fired over it. bachrock37: I know, I saw that post. What i'm asking is how one goes from the farm supply sector into the field of radio journalism. There are very few skills that carry over. Also, it is rare that a station will teach you how to write wire stories--they expect you to know that shit before you arrive. This guy is either related to someone at the station, it's a tiny ass po-dunk station in central IL where they have few college educated people, or this is bullshit. My vote is all three. MrGoldenVoice: I realized I wanted to be on the radio and do news while I was in high school. Want proof? go to wjpf.com right now and listen live.

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[deleted]: TIFU and lost half a percent of a file I was formatting and doing formulas on. That half a percent is almost a million dollars of info. Oops. I will have to find it before my boss finds out I lost it. Edit: I had lost more that than in pure dollars. I misplaced 3 mil... I should find it soon enough. [deleted]: Explain please. ConstableOdo: We buy and sell debt. Each row is a different person. Actually, as it turned out, somehow copy over or deleted, 3 million in people. I will find it but if i hadn't caught it, I would have been fucked. I had 548 mil where I should have 551 mil. [deleted]: If you wanted to, could you run a little scheme like in the film "office space", I assume there is a tighter leash on the likes of this. ConstableOdo: I don't know what scheme you mean? [deleted]: Taking it little by little over a long period. ConstableOdo: Pft. Except on it's own it's pretty worthless. I would have to find a buyer. It's not worth anything if you can't sell it. [deleted]: Ah its not as simple as I thought. They used the good ol' "money straight into bank" ConstableOdo: Yeah. Unfortunately.

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[deleted]: TIFU my acting test My English teacher is testing us on our ability to act. We started a couple weeks ago, and I get the act/scene that I want in Romeo and Juliet. I memorize all my lines and me and my partner make ours into a great comedy, basically mocking Romeo and Juliet. This goes over with my English teacher and we're very enthusiastic, but one thing is in my way to an easy A. I have really bad stage fright and never told my teacher or my partner, thought that I would just use a couple pointers off the internet and be fine. So this morning we do acting our acting... and of course other classes came to see us act. I do the first 20 of 30 lines fine and the humor goes over well, then I just freeze. I call for line and keep doing the same 2 over again for 15 seconds. I believe that I had my first panic attack, my eyes twitching and I stopped saying anything. I say "I can't do this," and leave. I think this kind of made all the emotions I have come out so I just cry for 45 minutes... truly the worst day of school/my most embarrassing moment. Edit: Forget to add that I needed to do well on the assignment to get a 4.0 for the year. No straight A's for this guy. afterdarks: Won't you be able to tell your teacher you suffer from stage fright and panic attacks in an attempt to apply for mitigating circumstances? At least that's how it works at some schools in the UK C0nmann: Yeah I think that he's going to give me a C or a D on it. I didn't tell him beforehand because I thought that I would get over it. I'll try to do some other assignment to make up for it. afterdarks: At least it's not a complete fail, I hope you manage to get your 4.0. C0nmann: Yeah it really disappointed me that this happened. All other classes are A's and this one was A- one quarter, B+, A, and now either an A- or B+ this one. I'm a freshman, so I'll probably make up for it with APs.

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DykeButte: ಠ\_ಠ wheresmyhouse: Well, he's technically not wrong. DykeButte: Nor is he correct. wheresmyhouse: Well he is... technically correct. DykeButte: But at the same time, he is incorrect. wheresmyhouse: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuEIsqeRR1o&feature=youtu.be&t=5s DykeButte: No. wheresmyhouse: Man, Reddit has been getting vicious with the downvotes lately. It irritates me that you're not allowed to disagree with the popular opinion anymore. DykeButte: What's ironic is that your karma score for me is -2. EDIT: Now it's -1. :D wheresmyhouse: Was that just from this thread, or have you run across me before? DykeButte: It's a total. So the latter. wheresmyhouse: Are you talking about the vote weight? DykeButte: Yeah, that's the one. wheresmyhouse: It's understandable. Sometimes my depression brings out my ugly side. DykeButte: I know that feel. I used to take ADD medicine pretty much daily and every single day I'd just be depressed and pissed off.

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Xonix1234: Dog vomit on my wall So today I was lying on my bed with my jack russel dog beside me, when all of a sudden he started heaving. He was getting ready to vomit so I picked him up and ran to my bathroom with him so he wouldnt puke on my bed or carpet floor. I had almost made it to my bathroom when all of a sudden he threw up. But instead of hitting the bathroom floor that didnt have carpet which would have been easier to clean up, he threw up all over the wall. Brisaster: That was out of your control. YOU didn't fuck up. Of course, neither did the dog. It's just life. Xonix1234: Well, if I wouldve grabbed him sooner... Haha Oh well. Shit happens. XD JustALilWhale: Speaking of dog problems on walls, my dog had VIOLENT diarrhea and I found out the bad way when she projectile shat onto the wall. I found out though that baby wipes will clean the walls 110%. IDK how sanitary but it got the mess off. Xonix1234: Hahahaha! XD Oh god, that sounds terrible but the way you said it was just hilarious! JustALilWhale: It was probably the most disgusting thing I believe I have ever seen. It was kind of like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jT6ArJJNqPE Xonix1234: http://i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/004/077/Raisins_Face.jpg

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yout1014: TIFU by trying to go golfing during a ThunderStorm and hail strike. Me and my brother were going to do some brother bonding before he goes to college. We tee'd off and al seemed normal, until my brother got hit in the head with a 1 inch chuck off ice hit his head, in the middle of summer. Me and him doubled into the tree cover, then the lightning started to strike. We were flat out on the ground trying to be as flat as we could. we saw a bolt hit the middle of the fairway. We could feel the heat. We didn't have the phones with us, so we couldn't take a picture. tugrumpler: Arnold Palmer was asked what he would do to avoid being struck by lighting, he replied 'walk right down the middle of the fairway holding a 1-iron pointed straight up at the sky, because not even god can hit a 1-iron' Erikster: This is the greatest golfing quote ever.

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Purecheetodust: TIFU and trusted a fart. Was at work in my cubicle when I was hit with what I thought was just gas. Released my sphincter and proceeded to shit my pants. I had to walk halfway across the building, afraid that the turd that had just tricked me would fall out of my fucking pants. Made it to the bathroom safely and quickly removed my soiled underwear and cleaned up as much as I could given the situation. I couldn't just flush my soiled underwear so I try to sneak out of the stall unnoticed and almost succeed. As I'm throwing my underwear in the trash, my supervisor walks in, sees me and turns around and walks out. We have yet to speak of the situation. RocketPapaya413: I always thought that these sorts of fuckups were stupid, and perhaps even falsified for some idiotic attempt at dirty humor. But then, a few weeks ago, my entire world was changed. It was D&D night and we were all hunched around the table doing our thing. We were just a bunch of dudes being generally crude and obnoxious, farting and cussing and spilling stuff all over the place. In the midst of a particularly lively combat encounter I felt a fart coming on. Judging it in advance as it passed through my bowels, I determined that it would most likely be of the "silent but deadly" variety, and so elicited to warn my companions of the forthcoming noxious odor. As I let 'er rip, I felt an unusual, uncomfortable sensation. Oddly, not entirely unlike that of an especially messy shit one might encounter at the end of some diarhea. Panicked thoughts rushed through my head. "Did I just really...? *NO*. Really? No way. *Really*?" I got very quiet and hunched down, suspiciously, over my chair. I avoided full contact so as to not squish the suspected poop, I also did not want to stand up fully as I feared that might allow it to slide further down my pants. As my initiative came and passed I weighed my options and evaluated the data. I mean, obviously I should head to the bathroom and examine the details. But it would be incredibly damning to rush to the facilities immediately after a particularly odorous fart, so I decided to play it cool for a bit before slowly lurching to the bathroom door while trying to keep my legs from fully extending. I made it inside and onto the pot and started inspecting the scene. Yup. Right there, dead center in my underpants was a relatively small lump of brown matter. I immediately set about the task of cleaning myself up, bottling up my self-loathsome shame for later. As I was finishing up and flushing away the dirty toilet paper, I noticed something. Something I perhaps should have noticed much earlier. Something hinted at by the very predicament I now found myself in. I had to go. *Badly*. Now my already lengthy stay was being protracted by an especially noisome bout of sub-equatorial evacuation. While at least I now had an alibi for why I had spent so long on the toilet, I now worried that I was taking too long and was holding up the game. Still, I finished up my business, performed a final check for any residual spillage, finished cleaning up, and made my back to the table, preparing my apologies in advance. I sat back down only to find out that it wasn't my turn yet. Not even close. The asshole next to me was still involved in some bitter argument regarding the definition of the word "immobilized". As I sat there among the fighting and stewing in my own shame-filled thoughts (not to mention the general odor of the room), I felt strangely relieved. A great burden had been lifted from me that day, and I truly learned what it means to never trust a fart. tl;dr: shat my pants, haven't done any non-professional writing in months so it all came out in this one post about shitting my pants. inflexiblemadness: 3.5 or 4.0? RocketPapaya413: I feel like I'm personally handing out the pitchforks and torches by saying this, but: 4.0 *watches comment karma plummet spectacularly* inflexiblemadness: Nah, but I can't figure out why people like it. It's just dumbed down D&D. Maybe I had been playing for too long but it was too clunky, too badly designed. That "powers" shit is idiotic. We switched back after about a year. RocketPapaya413: Ah yeah, see I thought the same thing too at first. It's important to remember that the two are different games, no matter how superficially similar they might seem. There are whole swathes of things you can do in 3.5 that you can't in 4.0, and vice-versa. The focus in 4.0 is definitely on combat, which is most apparent when you realize that *everybody* is *always* relevant in combat. Their usefulness waxes ad wanes depending on the circumstance and how strong they built their character, but every character has cool, unique, and (critically) varied powers. You almost always have a lot more options than just a Full Attack, even plain vanilla fighters. I've definitely been won over the 4.0 camp, though there is a special place in my heart for 3.5 and Pathfinder. If I had I one glowing recommendation for 4.0, it's that combat is just more fun. It's certainly not for everyone, but if you get a chance try to make a character with a lot of forced movement, usually a controller or defender. inflexiblemadness: I think that if 3.5 combat was boring, you had a bad DM and bad players. That's how I always felt. But I had an amazing 3.5 group. RocketPapaya413: Perhaps! Although I think "boring" was perhaps a poor choice of diction on my part. I am kind of having to force myself from writing out some huge poorly-though-out essay on the matter =) And, for what it's worth, combat was rarely boring in 3.5 for me personally because I was "the" wizard. It's just nice how now everyone has unique, fun things to do right off the bat without having to think about multiclassing or UMD or whatever.

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[deleted]: TIFU: Gave a stranger a ride and got robbed So this actually happened about a month ago but I didn't think of posting until now. My brother and I wanted to go out to some bars and what not for the usual 21st birthday celebration(his). His wife was our DD, driving my car. Anyway my brother and I are feeling pretty good at about 2 a.m. heading back to his place but we have to piss so we stop at a gas station. Turns out it's closed. We start to pull out and this guy flags us down. He tells us that hes down on his luck and his "ol lady" is gonna western union him some money to Walmart but its across town and he could really use a ride. I hadn't even considered that he wouldn't be able to do Western Union at 2 in the morning so being the nice people we are, we give him a ride. We are all laughing and joking in the car having a great time and we get to Walmart and drop him but we still have to piss so we figure we will run in quick pee and leave. Well as I said before Western Union was closed and this guy needed a ride to get back in his neighborhood and it was on our way so we figured ok, he seemed like a nice guy the whole trip to Walmart. Dropped him off went back to my brothers place, everything was fine, woke up the next morning and needed to head home, I live 4 hours from my brother, so I went to grab my GPS which was on the floor in the back and it was gone. Thanks for stealing my GPS Jose, tried doing something nice, turns out you are an asshole. TL;DR Everyone survived the trip, Jose stole my GPS [deleted]: how the fuck can someone steal gps coordinates inflexiblemadness: Your stupidity has actually shocked me. Nice job. [deleted]: lulz

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Kabibbles: TIFU: Getting in a knife fight with a bug Just happened, this flying roach bug or something came running down my wall (We dont have roaches so I was freaked) and I was just chillin lookin at redit. I am barefoot and had my pocket knife right next to me so I whip it out and start stabbing at it. but he was really fast. he jumped on my bed and I was trying with all my might to get him. I ended up cutting my box spring on the side, slicing open my mattress a little bit and cutting my favorite blanket open. at the last moment before he went under a pile of my cloths I say screw it and smash him with my bare foot. I blame the schools for these bad roaches. FromTheHood: You might want to check that out. A lot of times when you see one roach, there are a bunch more you don't see. Anyway, smashing it with your bare foot is badass. abelcc: If he squashes it, and the cockroach had eggs inside her, the eggs might have been absorbed by his skin, and little cockroaches are growing inside his feet. Source: *I'm a cockroachlogist* PinklySmoothfan: Except his foot and the roach were separated by clothes. JumboPatties: You're retarded. bocksocks: *I wear my shirt on my feet!* PinklySmoothfan: OP said the roach was under a pile of clothes when he crushed it. [deleted]: "at the last moment **before** he went under a pile of my cloths I say screw it and smash him with my bare foot" PinklySmoothfan: My bad. NedlytheEighth: It's okay, I was actually wondering how that sentence structure worked out. Thanks, Internet!

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[deleted]: TIFU: I stabbed myself in the pubes Earlier today I was playing with one of my knives, an assisted opening knife with a damaged torsion bar. For those of you who aren't knife enthusiasts, that means the knife stays closed until you push on a part of the knife blade and then it springs open, and the damaged torsion bar means that the knife doesn't stay closed, so if you were to flip your knife, the blade would pop out. So, I'm pretty good with catching a knife by the blade, but this time that I threw it I accidentally threw with too much force. For some reason, I thought I could still catch it, so I held my hand in position. Unfortunately, when the knife went up so high, I didn't properly estimate the distance, and I missed the knife. This wouldn't be so bad if the knife didn't fall, point down, straight into my crotch, roughly two inches from my penis. To make matters worse, I had just recently sharpened the knife to a razor edge. I don't think I've ever bled so much. **tl;dr: Threw knife into air, didn't catch it, knife landed in my pubes.** edge_of_glory: On the bright side you have a sweet ass scar to let a chick see as she is going down on you and you can make a story about it. nashgasm: simply tell the truth. the guy got stabbed in the groin by a thrown knife he failed to catch. just leave out the part where you threw it, and you were sitting down. skip to 'heck it hurt like a sonuvabitch, but the nurse sewed it up real nice.' edge_of_glory: I just like battle wound stories even if they are false nashgasm: really? at one point several years ago, almost a decade ago now, i ripped off my ear, now i have two nice scars. i like scars, they are fun stuff. edge_of_glory: Yes. Ripped it off? I have a spider shaped scar on my thigh , I got from getting beat by an extension cord nashgasm: i ran into some heavy underbrush/trees when playing some backyard football. thin vines rip through skin and cartilege rather easily at high speed. 4hours in the ER and 24 stitches = 535 bucks football and burgers = 56 bucks keeping the game tied 1-1 at great personal cost = priceless

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fawkesmulder: TIFU by eating Jalapeno Poppers for breakfast and getting food poisoning I have to drive from Los Angeles to Bakersfield and back every Saturday to work at the farmer's market. Like a fool, I only got a couple hours of sleep again. [Last time I almost swallowed my change.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/ui0er/tifu_by_attempting_to_drink_79_cents/) Around 7 AM this morning I stopped at Jack in the Box for breakfast. I was going to get a breakfast sandwich, but I changed my mind and got jalapeno poppers and two tacos. I ate the food while driving. The cheese in the stuffed jalapenos tasted a little weird, but I wrote that off to the poppers just not being as delicious as I thought they were -- the last time I ate them, I was drunk, and everything tastes better when you're drunk. I got to Bakersfield and immediately started feeling sick. I went to the bathroom and threw up a couple times. I also had severe butt-pee. The day was brutal because I had to interact with customers and pretend to be cheery. I felt so awful. I had to leave my stand twice to yak in the bathroom. On the 3 hour drive back (it usually only takes 2), I nearly crashed and had to stop several times to throw up. I didn't think I was going to make it. I'm feeling a little better now, but still going to the bathroom regularly. I also have work early tomorrow =/ I'm never eating fastfood again. inflexiblemadness: I live in Bakersfield. -_- fawkesmulder: Come to the Farmer's market on brimhall / Calloway on Saturday morning! inflexiblemadness: TIL I learned there is a Farmer's Market at Brimhall & Calloway.

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Gibs_is_anim_dom: TIFU: I pissed in the bin at the hospital. Yesterday I had an incredible brain fart that I'm still trying to understand. I badly needed a piss and rushed into a bathroom in the hospital where I work. I had a wrapper in my hand that I planned to throw in the bin after. Somehow my thoughts got scrambled and I went directly to the bin, stood on the pedal to open it, whipped out my knob and started pissing. Right into the bin! It took me about 5 seconds to realise what I was doing and, in a dazed panic, waddle like a penguin over to the urinal to finish my piss. A few moments later another person walked in, had a piss and then stood in the growing puddle of piss beside the bin as he washed his hands at the sink. I was too ashamed to tell him to watch out for the bin-piss-puddle. **For the North Americans: bin = trash can.** derajydac: Haha the other dude stood in a puddle of piss. If it makes you feel any better, i too, once pissed in a bin. I was 5yrs old, and it was the middle of the night, but i still remember. cookiewhistle: I pissed in the bath tub once when I was 7. Halfway through I was like ಠ\_ಠ what the fuck am I doing. abelcc: Some adults actually do that when having a shower(bath it'll be worse, yeah..), saves water. cookiewhistle: Nonono. Like, the tub was empty and dry and I was standing outside of it, pissing into it. calafragilistic: You must have been drunk. maliciousa: at 7? calafragilistic: Precisely. ProbablyOnTheToilet: Maybe he was at a [7]? calafragilistic: That's probably it, too. In fact, I think it was all 3, simultaneously.

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[deleted]: TIFU with a terrible hookup. This didn't happen to me today, but I just discovered this. Not for weak stomachs. I was drinking. All of the best/most terrible things happen when I drink. This particular time, I was at a small get together with some friends. Everything was fine and dandy until there was a knock on the door and a group of freshman girls walked in. One of them caught my eye. We will call her 'brandy'. Brandy and I begin to start talking, which is strange for me because I am usually very terrible with women. We start getting flirty and I suddenly realize that I might actually score tonight. Yes! I get up to go to the bathroom, and a friend approaches me and says, "dude, you don't want to do this. she has slept with the entire hockey team." I brush his comments aside because I am drunk and I need to get laid. I get back and another friend shakes his head at me. Fuck Them. I am very drunk now and it is time to leave. We separated ourselves from the group and make our way back to her room (we are in a dorm). We get into her bed and instantly start making out. She tells me that this would be easier if she wasn't wearing any pants. Score! I take her pants off and kiss her legs on my way back. As I move farther north, you can assume what happens next. After about five minutes of cunnilingus, we begin to make out again. She starts ferociously dry humping the shit out of my leg. It kind of creeps me out, but I can deal with it. Around this time, I also notice that there is a terrible taste in my mouth. It is a familiar taste, but it is quite literally on the tip of my tongue. I blame it on bad breath. We continue to make out when I realize that my fingers are stained red and I think that I must have cut my hand on something. She has a sink in her room, so I stumble over to it and begin to wash my hands, but I can't find a cut anywhere. I spit into the sink also, and I realize that there is a hue of red in my saliva. My mouth must be bleeding too? Then I put the pieces together and realize what just happened to me. Very disgusted and slightly confused, I yell out to brandy: "are you on your period?!" Her neighbors have heard me yell, so they bang on the wall. I look at my hands in disgust as she tells me that I need to go. At this point, I am more than okay with this. On my walk back, I see a friend of mine at the end of the hall. For some drunken reason, I run towards him yelling "help! help!" He turns around and looks at me and starts laughing. He asks me what the hell is on my leg. I am scared to look down, but I do anyways. There is a red smear of menstrual fluid on my upper thigh. He can see that I have had a long night, so he helps me back to my room. When I get back, I throw my pants in the garbage, brush my teeth, and sit in the shower thinking about what I just did. The next day, I see Brandy in the halls. It is very awkward. She stops me and tells me that she wasn't on her period, but even if she was I can't tell ANYONE about it. I told everyone, and now i'm telling my fellow redditors. TL;DR: Made sweet face love to a stranger on her period. Millze: had this happen to me a few weeks ago as well. i feel your pain broski. i figured it out after the licky-licky too. went in with a finger and ran into a tampon. apparently she was too drunk to remember that she was on it. not to mention that she was a fatty(i have low standards when I'm that drunk) not cool. DM:GMDS howisthisnottaken: Too drunk to remember is just asking for a rape allegation. Millze: in my defense i was much drunker than her and she was the one supposed to make sure I got home safely from the party. not to mention she's 7 years older than me and we're both in our 20's. I know there's a double standard in the fact that I'm a guy and i could never accuse her of raping me but I highly doubt any rape allegations against me would hold up in court due to the fact that we never actually had sex. And there were plenty of witnesses that knew how much drunker than her I was. howisthisnottaken: I'm not saying you're a rapist I'm saying drunk women are a problem because the system is set up to believe them and not you. Head over to /r/mensrights and review some of the false rape allegation threads. It sucks but she said/ he said means she said he did. AnonSRS: > drunk women are a problem Not if you don't rape them. Try that for a while. Rationalization: [He didn't call me back! Better accuse him of rape.](http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2012/05/25/153705668/cleared-of-rape-conviction-california-man-remains-unbroken#) [He wanted us to pay our $13 cab fair! Better accuse him of rape.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaB45iWDO9c) [I changed my mind after the fact! Better accuse him of rape](http://www.timesofmalta.com/articles/view/20120415/local/girl-s-rape-claim-wiped-out-six-years-of-my-life.415453)

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eskiimo: TIFU: and lost $500 on the ground. Now some lucky twat gets to have it. Well, I was on Alien Blue (iPhone app that allows you to post on Reddit) and on my way to the ATM. During this time, I was posting comments in /r/new when all of a sudden I began to have an argument with some Redditor about some stupid little muff. If you want to have a read it's actually in my profile and latest comments. Anyway, we started abusing one another and it gets heated. Well I like to think so, anyway. Because I keep on pulling my phone out to check whether the guy replied or not, I think during the midst of it the money must've slipped out more-or-less out of my pocket because of the constant motion of the phone going in-n-out. Karma works in fucked ways, huh? **"How can you not feel $500 fall out of your pocket?!"** - I hear the non-believers say. Well, my wallet actually can't fit that much money so I put it in my left back pocket of my jeans where I usually keep my iPhone, hence there's a slip and slide action. **"Why not the front pockets?"** - You say? I don't know I don't really think to put money in the front pockets when I have back ones. **"Why do you need $500 anyway?"** - Well if you must ask... I owe some bad people money and that was what I was going to use to pay them back. Now I've got to make different arrangements. But that's life, ay? **"You sure are dumb."** - Yep. *TL:DR*: I dropped $500 on the ground because I was in a blind rage and wasn't paying attention. rickuba: Ahh, so sad, OP. Lucky me I never lost any money, just found it alot of times. Once I saw a dollar in the sea when I was on beach hahahaha! BUT I compensated by losing things like a french watch my aunt gave to me, my favorite coat and a freaking sculpture I was working for weeks for my art class. stormtide311: Same here. Everything from 5 bucks to 150 bucks. KnowoneSmokeone: One tine when I was like 9 me and friend snuck up to the top of a highrise and found 350 dollars in mostly tens stuck inside a post that was apart of the railing to prevent falls. We just split the money and went home. I spent mines at summer camp on useless shit.

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_acheron: TIFU: By falling asleep on a train. Well, not so much today as a little while ago, but I just found this subreddit not long ago so I thought I'd share it with you all. Here's a little backstory on how this wonderful event happened: I don't get much sleep, due to bad habits and an enjoyment of reading/video games. Public transport makes me tired at the best of times. Our ticket inspectors had been getting really up-tight about tickets/feet on seat and whatnot. So, this one winters day about a year back I was on my way into the city to pick up a few things from some stores and catch up with some friends for lunch. The few nights beforehand I hadn't got much sleep and the days before were busier than usual, so I was a little out of it to begin with, but wasn't too bad in the grand scheme of things. So I left in the morning, got my ticket and caught the train into the city. Now, the ticket I had was for Zones "1+2" which was fine because I was only going through those, or so I thought. I had my day in the city with my friends, picked up a few DVD's, some new drumsticks and a new book to read. I got back on the train at around 7:30 and by then the lack of sleep was starting to catch up with me. I was a little drowsy but I could usually hold off until I got home and either had a nap or went to bed. When I boarded the train it was mostly empty except a few people heading home after late work days or whatever they were doing, so I took a two seater and put my backpack under my feet. This is when everything got crappy. About 20 minutes into the ride home I could feel myself drifting in and out of little microsleeps and tried to keep myself awake, I sat up straight and tried to keep myself occupied on my phone. Next thing I know I'm being woken up by a ticket inspector who is pretty much insulting me from the get go about god knows what. I'm being bombarded with questions about where I got on, where I was going, how old I was and all sorts of jazz. So I showed him my ticket and thought it was going to be fine... Boy was I wrong. As soon as the guy saw that I had the wrong ticket he went ballistic (I assume trying to make an example of me or something) telling me that I had the wrong ticket and that I was in the wrong zones and how I was trying to "cheat the system". He told me that I was trying to get away with it by pretending to be asleep and by acting dumb, he then informs me of the fine I would be getting and starts asking for my details. Me, still being half asleep, protested against the fine because I honestly had no idea that I was in the wrong zone (or where I was at all for that matter) since I was asleep and I would pay for another ticket to cover where I was and where I would need to go back, he ignored me for the most part and proceeded to talk over me while I asked if I could buy a new ticket and started writing out a fine. He then goes on to tell me how my feet where on the seat (which would have been impossible in the seats I was sitting in) and how that alone is a terrible thing, how I have no respect and how that is another fine on top of the one I would be recieving for not having the right ticket for where I was. 3 weeks later I recieve nearly $370 worth of fines in the mail. TL;DR - I don't sleep much, I fell asleep on a train, ended up 4 stops away from where I was meant to get off, got abused by a ticket inspector and got stuck with two fines. All because I fell asleep on a train. MarBra: what country was this? _acheron: Australia. Melbourne to be exact.

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[deleted]: TIFU: Urinated on my keyboard So, I was having this really intense dream this morning, the kind that feels more real than real life, and for some reason I felt like it was vitally important that I pee on something. In my half-asleep state I apparently got up, threw back the covers, and pissed directly and freely onto my 500$ keyboard which was sitting on the floor at a 90 degree angle from my bed. Then I apparently went back to bed like nothing happened. When I woke up, I noticed that my pajama pants and underpants were completely wet with urine and that the bed was soaked in a huge circle around my body. Keep in mind that when I woke up I was still confused about what was reality and what wasn't so I remember thinking something like "excellent, i completed my mission." Then later after I was more conscious I went back into my room to play piano and what did I see but a gigantic fucking puddle of urine, ALL over the floor next to my bed (I got out climbing over the end so I hadn't seen it yet) and all over my keyboard. I cleaned it up and it works fine but now my whole room smells like piss. Dreams are pretty powerful, I would never do something like that IRl but it absolutely seemed like a good idea at the time. TL;DR: Had a crazy dream, peed all over my home keyboard for no reason. [deleted]: Honestly I think your 500$ figure was made up to seem like more of a fuck up. musikman95: Based on what op said, I assume it is a piano keyboard, at which point $500 is nowhere out of the realm of possibility [deleted]: It is in fact a Casio Px-330 (just checked lol) Amazon says 699 but apparently my parents got it a bit cheaper musikman95: The most important question, does the keyboard still work? (I'm a musician and would cry if any of my instruments were pissed on) [deleted]: Yes it works fine (although the keys are a little sticky). musikman95: Glad to hear it, although that is disgusting

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[deleted]: TIFU: Tried to masturbate, ended up peeing all around the house. This is 4 or 5 years old, but the bin and keyboard threads reminded me of it. You have to keep in mind the computer was temporally in the hall, don't ever make this to your teenage children please. There was noone on the house, and I had masturbated like 2 times recently, was going for another while I was feeling the need to pee; but I wanted to delay it (if you pee after masturbating, it cleans it so you don't leave stains around). So there I was, trying my hardest with a youtube video. After some efforts I suddenly felt a known warm sensation, and.... a huge stream of pee started coming out. This is where the "being in the hall kicks in", I was paralyzed and my eyes instantly darted to the house door thinking "they'll come in right now, won't they?" The goddess of fortune gave me a break and few seconds afterwards I recovered my senses and walked fastly/ran to the bathroom(opposite in the house...), leaving a huge stream of pee and pretty much ending before I arrived. I knew they could come in at any moment and find the mess I made, I was in a adrenaline rush, so I started working as fast as I could. I used a mop, insane amounts of paper towel and even resorted to my bathrobe(I was in a state of panic). I think my underwear was wet and I literally put it inside a plastic bag and hided it the best I could (to this day I forgot where I hid it, noone told me about that discovery...). All of this knowing they could come in at any moment. Finally I was able to remove it before they came, I'm not sure if they noticed the floor being a bit wet/dark, or a lingering smell around the house or in my bathrobe; either they didn't tell me their suspicions or I have repressed that memory... [deleted]: With an erection, the "valve" that pee comes out of shuts off. Hence you cant pee easily with a boner. I struggle to pee after I beat off, so I dont know how you managed to go full stream with a hard-on. Hefalumpkin: Dont tell me you never peed with a boner? I do it all the time, it's hard (pardon the pun), but its possible. I smelled fish on this one too though too. [deleted]: I mean I have, but its not the asiest thing to do. Plus who gets peeing confused with cumming Evidently OP does...

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ATierney: TIFU Made reservations for Fathers Day brunch, showed up today...It's not Fathers Day. The lady laughed pretty hard for at least 5 minutes... [deleted]: I feel youre pain. I called my dad today thinking it was Fathers Day... Dad probably wishes I wasnt his son... Panderian109: Hopefully he's not that mad. It's a made up holiday and you eventually called him. It's not the same as forgetting the day of your anniversary or his birthday. The day of father's day doesn't matter, just call and love him and that should make him feel pretty good... hopefully. I don't know him, but if you were my son, I wouldn't be too mad.

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Metalhead62: TIFU my eye. So I was playing the drums. While putting my hair behind my ear (There's got to be a better way to say this and it's just completely slipped my mind...) I jabbed the drumstick into my eye. As painful as it was initially, now I'm pretty sure I have a splinter in my eye. I cannot see out of it very clearly, mostly do to barely being able to open my eye. It's not bleeding, so I doubt it will require medical attention. At least it didn't break my glasses, I don't need glass in my eye too. maliciousa: i actually hit my eye while playing one time.. i feel this deserves honorable mention..also missed the snare during a heavy roll. hit my sack. hope your eye is ok. that shit can hurt. Metalhead62: Seriously, drum sticks should be classified as weapons. Hitting your knuckles... Worse than stepping on a lego. NerdyMetalDrummer: Hey its time for a rimshot. nope time to hold my knuckle in agony.

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[deleted]: TIFU: I won an argument with my wife. So my wife decided to paint her and our daughter's finger and toe nails. She left the nail polish down and told our four year old daughter who like pretty colors not to touch them. Yea as you can imagine that didn't work at all. So my kid spilled the nail polish all over the place in her room after she stole it like a ninja. The fight started when I told my wife it was her fault, being the adult. She should have known that she couldn't trust kid with this stuff. So I told her that she was wrong, and she most likely as a consequence we have lost our $400 deposit on our place. Yea that start a whole damn evening of subtle asshole comments and the cold shoulder on her part. Edit: A bit of grammatical error. citizenreadit: Out of curiosity, what can't be cleaned by you? Mech1: About the only thing that gets Nail polish out is Acetone based cleaners. I'm not sure but I am pretty sure that it would destroy this old nasty carpet in the house. [deleted]: >old nasty carpet Doesn't seem like much of a problem... Mech1: It is when you landlord is a dick and will want to replace it.

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[deleted]: TIFU Pissing everywhere in my bedroom This wasn't today but it was a long time ago give or take 7 years old. One day I was watching tv, alas I felt the need too piss. Of course there was the bathroom, but I didn't feel like going to the bathroom. so I turned and walked straight into my bedroom and whipped it out proceeding too piss all over the bedroom floor fucking piss everywhere. My parents never knew I did it, or did they? syphiliticmind: They did. jubjubcat: Fuck!

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iTrollYhu: TIFU (Yeah, really original, I know.) It was a couple days ago as school ended a while ago. I decided to do a prank on this last day of school. What could be my consequence if I get caught? So I had a spare water bottle, and a pin. I proceeded to poke a hole in the bottle. I squirted people with it for one. No one really notices until there is a lot on them. Well, that particular classroom had carpet instead of tile. So I thought "Hey! Why not draw a penis?" Teacher literally interrogated everyone in the class. Called security. Etc. Etc. (she called after she found out I did it.) My 'friend' decided it'd be hilarious to rat me out. Well, security took me to my grade-level principal. Had a nice chat. (Haha, not.) Walked out before she finished talking to me, and just got a letter today saying I'm banned (to summarize) from ever returning there again. [deleted]: What did your parents say? iTrollYhu: They were going to pull me out anyway. Not like it matters? [deleted]: Hehehe, pull you out. (Cause you drew a penis) theflying6969: I see what you did there..

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MissRippit: TIFU and accidentally deleted my friend's Skyrim character (he was level 54) I feel so awful. I also realise that for gamers, this is a floggable offence and I was hoping you lovely peeps on Reddit may have an idea as to how I could make it up to him in any small way. The problem is there isn't really the infrastructure in a modern city for a full on flogging, and I'm not going to volunteer to be hung, drawn and quartered. Any other suggestions? Always-hungry: the way to a man's heart is through his stomach; so make a cake and give him a hug. :) MissRippit: In the kitchen getting my cupcake pan out... I'll get the recipe book after I send this reply ;) [deleted]: Don't listen to him. Guys hate cakes. Make him a steak or roast chicken or such. Magicmole: no we don't :P [deleted]: sissy QuiteRadical: On what planet are cakes NOT fucking awesome? [deleted]: on the planet where guys dont die of diabeties at 50 QuiteRadical: You don't have to have diabetes to enjoy cake. Cake is delicious. [deleted]: Cake is horrible. I can't stand all the grease and yuck. Give me a grilled steak or even a boiled chicken breast over a cake any day. If you're a guy and you like cake, check if your knickers are also pink. QuiteRadical: That's preference, just like pink underwear. I don't like pink underwear, that doesn't mean men can't wear it. There's no such thing as gender specific food, you stupid misogynist. [deleted]: Yes there is, I mean unless if you are gay and feminine, I have nothing against it, but if you claim to be masculine then for fucks sake stop wearing pink knickers and eating cake. QuiteRadical: I don't think there's anything more masculine then doing whatever the fuck you want in the face of naysayers. I don't like pink underwear but cake tastes good, so if it is in the vicinity, I will fucking eat it. Deal with it. [deleted]: Go eat cake and while you're at it, put on an apron and a wig, nanny boy. And be careful about that 'doing whatever the fuck you want' thing, or next thing you know you'll be in jail for rape or shoplifting or any number of other 'doing whatever the fuck you want' crimes. QuiteRadical: I don't mean doing horrible things like that. I mean doing whatever the fuck I want if it doesn't affect anyone else. I enjoy cake. You don't. Let me eat my cake, and fuck off, you dumb bastard. [deleted]: Truth hurts QuiteRadical: You are inexplicably stupid. I don't know what gene or what about you causes you to dislike cake and people who eat it, but you shouldn't copulate with anyone. Use a condom. [deleted]: Sorry granny, I should've remembered that you don't have any more teeth and you can't eat any solid food except cake. My bad.

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finallypoopedonketo: TIFU by severely overdosing on Mylanta Two weeks ago I started doing keto to lose weight. At first it seemed too good to be true, bacon and eggs for breakfast, not really having to exercise, etc. and I was losing over a pound a day, but four days ago that all changed. In short I stopped pooping and no amount of coffee was helping. Over the next few days I all but stopped losing weight and started to get quite bloated which brings us to this morning when I woke up and thought enough was enough, I'm taking a shit today no matter what. My plan was simple, I was going to have 2 strong cups of coffee and if that didn't work I was going to chug some Mylanta as I remembered it giving me severe diarrhoea in the past. The coffee didn't help so an hour later I took 3 mouthfuls of Mylanta and then started making lunch which today was chilli and garlic prawns. Even though it took around 90 minutes for me to make and then eat lunch, there was still nothing going on with the Mylanta so I figured I would take two more mouthfuls when I took my plate out to the kitchen. Not even a minute after taking the second helping of Mylanta I knew it had just started to take effect. It felt like my stomach was gurgling and my intestines tying up in a knot at the same time. I knew that I was going to poop and soon. About ten minutes later I raced to the toilet and unleashed hell. Biological warfare was being raged poisoning both the air and water. My eyes were watering, my nose burning and it was getting increasingly hard to breathe. Thankfully the Mylanta was dependable and gave my the runs so I was only on the toilet for a few minutes, but as horrible as the experience was I was just glad to have it out of me. Naturally I washed up and then came out to tell my girlfriend about how happy I was to have finally taken a crap. She wasn't too impressed, but laughed it off and went back to looking at cat pictures. That's when it hit me. That crap was caused by the first round of Mylanta and that it might have only been the first of many, especially since I went back for a second dosing. Sure enough not even 15 minutes after finishing taking my first crap I was back taking another. 15 minutes after the second I took another. Then another. Every 15 minutes almost like clockwork I was running back to the toilet to take a piss out of my ass. I gave up spraying air freshener after the fourth time as it simply stopped working and I knew there was no end in sight. Every time I went back to the toilet it just got worse and worse. I thought after a while things would ease back a bit, but instead lunch decided to work its way through and now my ass hole was burning too. I lost count at that point, but I easily took another half a dozen craps after that which got progressively worse. My ass hole felt like it was a burn victim and about the die, my eyes were watering up constantly, my nose completely lost its sense of smell and every breath I took made me feel like I was going to spew. I had to give it all I had not to vomit and eventually through drinking copious amounts of water to keep myself hydrated things started calming down going from pooping every 15 minutes to every 30 minutes. A few hours later and I was pretty much back to normal, or so I thought. Almost without warning an hour ago I nearly pooped my pants. I thought it was a fart and was starting to gamble with it when I felt a rush of liquid go down my bowel. In what seemed like one swift movement I clenched my ass, got up and started running for the toilet and only just made it. The second I sat down I exploded like a spicy terrorist had just blown apart my ass hole unleashing a torrent of liquid shit once more. All I could do at first was think of the pain and the smell, but once I calmed down I thanked my lucky stars because my girlfriend would never have let it down had I actually crapped my pants. Since I'm currently too scared to sleep (its 2:41am here in Australia) I figured I should kill some time on reddit and share my story. I'll check up on this in an hour or so as it's feeling like I'll have to poop again quite soon and I know how reddit loves having stories come to completion, but after that I intend on hiding my shame behind my normal user name. **TL;DR: Doing keto to lose weight which resulted in not pooping for 3 days and decided to force the matter using Mylanta. I then pooped like clock work and had a spicy terrorist destroy my ass hole.** ConstableOdo: Keto often results in low poopage [deleted]: Just take some fibre supplements.

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Hovertac: TIFU: I took my iPod out of my pocket for and put it on my desk. Back one day: I was having some problems with my iPod going slow, so I disabled location services, which disabled "Find my iPhone". Today: Towards the end of my 9th period class, we were being dismissed 10 minutes early to go clean out our lockers. Right before the announcement, I had taken my iPod touch out (along with the rest of the contents of my pocket) and someone swiped it. I didn't realize this until I was like halfway home and realized it wasn't in my pocket. Fuck. So I open up Find my iPhone on my other iPod and obviously it was not located. So I decided I'll just use the "wipe" option but then I realized, I deleted that function from my iPod in case one of my friends decided to be a scumbag. Fuck. So I went back to the school to connect to the wifi and do a scan to see if my iPod was still at the school. At that point, I realized that earlier in the day, my school's IT department reset all the passwords for next year. TL;DR: I took my iPod out of my pocket, someone swiped it, no possible way of recovering. I had a *lot* of private information on it. tome101: >I had a *lot* of private information on it. How many dick pics we talking about here? Hovertac: None. I have porn. [deleted]: They won't see an ounce of porn, though, he or she will restore the iPod and make it their own Hovertac: It was in the photos app, but I got my iPod back. Check out my TIFUpdate. [deleted]: Where can I find it, I searched and no luck. Hovertac: My submissions. :P http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/uyvrj/tifupdate_i_took_my_ipod_out_of_my_pocket_for_and/

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tricky5903: T(Someone else)FU- Gave himself a black eye by stepping on a rake. We were out working in the garden at school, when this one guy decides to see if a rake will really smack you in the face if stepped on. He didn't have the common sense to hold out a hand, and the handle promptly hit him straight in the eye. Everyone laughed. Maverick21703: Why would you test that? There are so many examples on TV and they cant put anything on TV that's not true. tricky5903: Who knows.

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beenhard33: TIFU and drank diesel fuel At work today, while filling up a machine, I unknowingly let a substantial amount of diesel find its way into my jug of water. It's one of those rubbermaid gallon jugs and was only about a quarter full when the overflow from our skid-steer must have found its way down the drinking stem thing. Anyways, about a sweaty hour later I was super thirsty and took a few giant gulps before the taste hit me. So seeing as the price of diesel is super high right now, I'd be willing to pee in someones gas tank for $3.00 OBO Mech1: I work as a diesel mechanic, doing services and things you are bound to get a little fuel in your mouth occasionally, it is usually followed by a vigorous session of swearing and occasionally some mouth numbness and a minty taste, but that is about it. I have never actually drank it like that but fuck it sounds awful. brown_felt_hat: Ok, mint? What? Are you implying toothbrushing and I'm being thick, or does it really taste of mint Mech1: I have found that Diesel actually has a mint taste/smell, but I spent A LOT of time smelling it. I can actually tell the difference between road diesel and farm diesel (dyed/un-dyed). brown_felt_hat: That is really interesting. I wonder what causes the smell. And they dye diesel fuel? What purpose would that serve Mech1: One is taxed highway diesel, the other is untaxed farm grade diesel. BeerPowered: Farm diesel tastes a bit better. Mech1: Well they both suck to be honest, but yes farm diesel tastes less shitty lol.

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[deleted]: TIFU important stuff in my browser I just had my main computer and my old laptop running at the same time because a friend wants to borrow the laptop and I wanted to make it ready for him. I tend to save all kinds of important stuff in my browser, such as passwords, personalized links to websites and so on, all of which my friend shouldn't get his hands on. So better be safe and delete everything. Delete saved passwords. Delete active logins. Delete bookmarks. Delete history of ~2.5 years. I checked every single fucking box in Firefox' "Clear History" window. I manually deleted all the passwords. Then I felt safe. Then I realized it was the wrong computer. FUCKFUCKFUCK nashgasm: did you give them the oneyou meant to delete? i assume it left your posession? else this is an easy thing to fix. aside lost data, and even then just get chrome on the unwiped comp, import from another browser after logging into google mail on chrome (even a throw away will do). then wipe everything from mozilla, log out of chrome. get chrom on the other wiped machine, voila after logging in you have your bookmarks back.i assume you know your own passwords, and dont care all that much about history. just say you need some data on the machine, it takes just a few minutes, not long at all. questions? i hope it helps http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lpovvbrSxg1qbmf8z.gif Flazhes: Thanks a lot, bro :) but I have already fixed it. I still had a backup of most of the stuff everywhere, so it turned out good. nashgasm: well there ya go. still, a good trick to keep in mind should the issue rear its ugly head again. cloud storage is rather useful. http://i.imgur.com/2TjxO.gif

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[deleted]: TIFU: Accidentally sent an email to 1275 students, professors, and faculty. Whoops. Edit: Content of the email included a lot of things which were not ready to be released yet. Planning for the future students mostly. So I'm bracing for the shit storm of potentially 1275 confused emails tomorrow when nothing in that email actually is relevant. Barnsalot: I think most email systems have a limit on how many people you can send a single email to. I'm surprised that your email went through to that many. goblan: He probably sent it one or multiple mailing lists, each with many subscribers. My school has those.

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[deleted]: TIFU by quitting fake weed I'm fearful of the upcoming ban, so I decided to quit before it goes into effect so that way I don't have to go stone cold sober. This way I can allow my body time to adjust to sober life. But now, I hate everything, and nothing in life is fun or rewarding. I think I made a huge mistake. I think I fucked up today. ShadySuspect: Fake weed? What are you talking about? theflying6969: it's that synthetically made stuff you used to be able to buy at gas stations. i dont understand why anyone would smoke this stuff over real weed, the smoke is extremely harsh and i'm pretty sure my vision is fucked up because of it.

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neogrotesque: TIFU: I microwaved macaroni salad. I've never had macaroni salad, okay? This is the most awkward meal right now. Michi_THE_Awesome: Don't. Don't eat it. This bodes of multiple toilet visits. None of them voluntary. neogrotesque: That macaroni salad is long gone. It was awkward at first, and by the time it went lukewarm, it was just sad.

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khenson1283: TIFU: Got thrown out of my house, bit of a long story. [deleted]: I don't even know what to say... You FUCKED your SISTER. How do you even make such a mistake? Drunk or not, there's no way in hell I would even consider being remotely sexual with any of my siblings. Good luck I guess? I'm not sure you can get out of this. hardwarequestions: You seem to be overlooking the fact that she fucked him too. [deleted]: No, that is my point, or the intended one rather. They're both at fault, but she can claim rape here. He could too, but that usually doesn't work... Doctor_Loggins: Well, if he was intoxicated he was legally incapable of giving consent. Unless she was similarly intoxicated (in which case the law gets a little fuzzy) then she was the rapist by letter of the law. [deleted]: They both fucked up. Doctor_Loggins: Yes, yes they did. I'm looking at it in terms of legal culpability, since you brought up the "who can claim rape here" thing. Undeniably, they dun goofed. Unfortunately, it looks like it's only OP for whom consequences will never be the same. [deleted]: Which is shitty sense they're both at fault. Doctor_Loggins: Oh, absolutely. Sex crime laws in general are shitty because it's so hard to legislate. We have a hard enough time deciding what people are and aren't allowed to do (technically, some states - and I think my current home of Texas is one of them - prohibit oral sex), so deciding what we're not allowed to do is, of course, a problem area. It's made more difficult by the inherently private nature of sex in America (I can't speak for anywhere else) and by the difficulty in collecting evidence one way or another.

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Cookies_nom_nom: TIFU by putting sperm in my ear. So last night I was enjoying some alone fappy time while my girlfriend was playing skyrim in the other room. I was using headphones, but only one so I could hear her coming if she did, which she didn't. No, instead I got to fully enjoy my fap and finished up, had my post-fap "what the fuck am I watching" moment then cleaned up. Later that night me and my girlfriend went to bed where she passed out almost immediately, but I wasn't tired so I decided to read for a little while. I got my book and my ipod, sat down in bed, turned on some william fitzsimmons, put my headphones in and froze. I realized what the slimy squish in my left ear was almost before it happened and I was frozen in fear of what to do. I ended up pouring a nearby can of mountain dew down my shirt and slipped into the shower for a good hour of trying to figure out just how one cleans jizz from their own ear. Peregrine21591: ಠ\_ಠ ... I want to know why you were fapping in secret? If my boyfriend wants to fap he can do so, with or without my knowledge/participation Cookies_nom_nom: She doesn't care if I fap, I just have one too many bad memories of people walking in so its mostly habitual for me to fap in secret witteknokkels: The best faps are sneaky faps Stinkfist94: Ever have a danger wank? witteknokkels: If you mean with my parents seperated from me by a thin wall? Yes, of course iForcefield: I once banged my ex on a couch immediately behind my mother and her boyfriend...they didn't know, don't make this weird. witteknokkels: Of course they knew. I mean... how can one not notice people fucking two meters away? They must be deaf and blind if they didnt know..... Styrak: *squish* *squish* *squish* *squish* EDIT: How do you do *'s without it being bold or italics? [deleted]: I'm guessing you can escape them with a backslash, i.e. \\\* results in \* EDIT: confirmed Styrak: I tried that but with the other slash. Dammit I've even a programmer/IT person, should have known/tried it.

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dat_penguin: "T"IFU: Blacked/passed out after tailgating before DMB, woke up in hospital with parents 4 hours later I only just found this subreddit, so in truth this fuck up actually took place on May 25th (my sincerest apologies). I'll begin by stating the fact that I have never been to a concert before in my life. I've never really seen the appeal, I enjoy saving money, etc...whatever. This being my first concert, I was pretty pumped to really enjoy myself and the company of great friends. So, myself and six other friends got the idea to go see Dave Matthews Band in concert in Hartford for a pleasant get-together, as we had all recently gotten back from college. We took two cars, and everyone had their own supply of alcohol (I had plain vodka, with cranberry juice). Being the rambunctious group that we are, we were finding every excuse possible to take shots together (e.g. found out my buddy wouldn't be deployed in the fall, we all survived the past semester, we were really thirsty, etc.). After the 40ish minute car ride there, everyone (except the drivers, don't panic) was feeling pretty damn good - the main difference being that I, unlike the others, still had plenty of beverage left. Needless to say, I killed the rest of it over the next hour of tailgating to refrain from being wasteful. The time then came to head over to the concert, to which we all made it to intact. Before the first band was even introduced, I had my last memory of my time there: a friend leaning over me (I had taken a liking to the comfortable plushness that was the concert lawn) saying "You have to get up...are you okay...security's coming..." Let's skip forward to approximately 12:30 am, when my memory kicked back in. IV in my arm...dressed in a medical patient's clothing...inside of a hospital...PARENTS. It was about this time I began realizing that I fucked up, even though my BAC was still slammed (so I was told). As soon as I was able to lift myself out of the bed and into a wheelchair, I was taken back home by my parents, all the while racking my brains to try and piece together my night. It wasn't until about a week later that I learned what happened from 8 pm on that night, as the adventure was recounted to me by my ever- so-willing friends. Apparently, after blacking out and vomiting violently, I was taken from my friends' hands by concert security, asked if I would rather be arrested for underage intoxication or hospitalized, and subsequently shipped by ambulance to a hospital. Everyone else, being very concerned for my well-being, 20 minutes later began calling every surrounding hospital they could think of to try to find me. Not having any luck, they all piled into a car and began a three-hour escapade around central Connecticut. They stopped at various police headquarters, hospitals, you name it. Eventually they went back to the theater as a final effort before giving up. There, they finally learned that I was in New Britain Hospital. Little did they know that little bit of information was incorrect, for I was actually in Farmington Hospital. Hooray for communication. In any case, at least they thought they knew where I was, and so they went home. So at my first concert, I didn't actually get to see a single performance, but rather put on a little show of my own. My stupidity also prevented my friends from seeing any of the concert as well, which we each paid $50 for. **TL;DR:** See post title. ImRonBurgundy_: Did you ever find out what your BAC was? dat_penguin: 0.19 ImRonBurgundy_: Do you drink often? dat_penguin: Probably a little less than the average undergrad; suffice to say that this is by far the worst thing to happen to me as a result of drinking. ImRonBurgundy_: yea alcohol poisoning is never fun, glad you're ok though.

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Bumbling_idiot: TIFU: May not be able to graduate from college Well, here it is. 2 years ago I switched colleges within my university, from engineering to life science. I intended to major in Biochemistry. I failed dynamics (DAMN!), it was my own fault. Well I transfer, and meet my new advisor, who tells me that I am fine to continue, its a fresh start, yadda yadda. Fast forward 2 years, this advisor has been fired, I believed that I graduated, and thought it was over. I recently received some mail that I did not complete my coursework, so I check my degree audit. Lo and behold, a class I took was missing. In the course of fixing this issue, I find out that I should never have proceeded at all, due to being below a minimum GPA to enter the college (because of this F). Now I will probably not get my degree, and will most likely have wasted a TON of money for 2 years of difficult classwork in which I have posted a 3.0. Fuck me. Kaysol: Fight it. You paid, you were told that you were allowed to graduate. You shouldn't have to waste two years of your time and money because of someone else's mistake. Bring this shit to the top. blueb34r: absolutely!

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Hovertac: TIFUpdate: I took my iPod out of my pocket for and put it on my desk. I looked around to see if I could figure out who stole my iPod, I asked my friend if he accidentally took it, but to no avail, it was not found. So I'm pretty sad, but oh well, I guess it was just lost and my private contents won't be compromised. **Fast forward to 4:00 PM** I'm browsing reddit and suddenly the phone rings. I answer it and the convo goes like this: **Him**: I know who took your iPod **Me**: Who? **Him**: You know that kid *name* in your class? **Me**: Yeah.. he said he took it but gave it back right after, like he was just playing around **Him**: Well, he really took it. **Me**: Shiit. **Him**: Yeah, I know. I have it. **Me**: Seriously? Where do you live? **Him**: *address* **Me**: Dude, thanks. I'll be there in less than a half hour. It was in the middle of downpour rain, but I didn't care, I went to his house and he had my iPod. This kid's a real Good Guy Greg. punkindrublicrpp: wtf did i just read m40ofmj: a product of the american public school system these fucking kids are going to accidentally the entire fucking world swiecki: wtf did i just read accidentally, a verb? m40ofmj: hahaha ill accidentally yo momma T3hBau5: This string of comments has made me laugh more than what i've read in the past 20 minuets on TIFU. Upvotes for all.

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booksandpowertools: TIFU banged a "friend's" gf and bout a pack of cigarettes This may not be the place for this particular confession but I want to get this off my chest, and as I'm not Catholic, this seems like as a good a place as any. I've been trying to do me better lately (eating better, quit smoking, excersicing, etc, etc). I've been 3 months with out smoking a cigarette after 10 years of smoking (which is a ridiculous number of years seeing how I'm 24 and all...) I've been watching a show where the protagonist breaks down and starts smoking (the Killing, it's a pretty good show) so that has something to do with it, but I think more has to do with a lot of guilt around something I did this weekend. So I've had a pretty big crush on a really cool girl I worked with last fall. I know her bf, and he's a really cool guy. Dude's a bartender in town and I've totally gotten the hook up from this guy. We're not like close or anything I know him only through his gf. Either way, he's in California this summer on an internship and me and his girl drank a bunch of jello shots and one thing lead to the other. I haven't talked to her since and really fucking hate what I did. That shit happened to me a while back and it hurt pretty bad. All that confessed, I drank a bottle of wine tonight, broke down and just bought a pack of cigs and smoked one, soon to be two, and I feel like a total bastard. I know in a few days I'm a get my shit back together and stop inhaling this fucking poison, but right now I just feel like a complete fuck. Just thought I'd share. bkwrds: Throw the cigarettes away. If you're half as miserly as I am you'll never want to start again. [deleted]: What's funny is the miser in me can't bear to accept a wasted 5 dollars. blakeh: Poisoning yourself is the bigger waste. Just think about it as a fee for the smokes. If you want a couple it'll cost you $5 every time. This is an added deterrent. Toastlove: Its $12 for 20 in the UK now. Everyone has switched to roll ups violencewithin: holy fuck thats crazy Toastlove: Thats for Marlbro, one of the more expensive (but popular) brands, and prices vary depending where you go violencewithin: marlboro is 5 and some change here

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CallMeCatman: TIFU by falling face first into boobs. Kinda self explanitory. I was walking in the halls, talking to my friend, when I tripped on whateverthefuck. Little did I notice the girl infront of me. I fell face first into her chest infront of a hallway full of kids. Accidental Motorboat. I have never been so delighted to fuck up so badly... Scotty_the_Hamster: I don't think you know the definition of 'fucking up,' because this was certainly not it. You just won. You got a face full of boob for no price and no punishment. derajydac: A walk in the halls without at least three face full's of boobs is considered a dull affair. ninety6days: it is known. PCGCentipede: It is known

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rainbow-ostrich: TIFU by accidentally giving my friends consent to have sex at my house. Me and three friends were walking home from school and stopped for about twenty minutes on the corner where we part ways when my one friend said that if you stare at someone in the eye for seven seconds it means that you either want to kill them or have sex with them, so naturally I stared her in the eye for about ten seconds. My other two friends were joking around about that I either wanted to kill her or have sex with her, and I blurted out "You can't have sex at my house!" since I have a loft bed, although it sounded like I said that they can. Now they all think they have my permission to show up at my house to have sex. Shit. StiffyAllDay: So? Real Rainbow-Ostriches embrace these things! Ostrich up! rainbow-ostrich: ...that made no sense and was basically one of the best comments ever. Thank you. StiffyAllDay: All Ostrich-play aside, how would you're friends assume that can use you're house as sexual playground just coz ya said that? Surely they forgot about it rougly 13 seconds after hearing it, no? And no, thank you :) nashgasm: seriously though, there are worse things that could happen. this could be the start of something wonderful. think fwb but... more ambitious.

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momoney181: TIFU and pissed in some random chicks dorm So this particular event didn't happen to me just now, it occurred about 3 or 4 months ago during my spring break. Me and another friend of mine were back in town from college for spring break, and had planned to go up to Madison, Wisconson and visit some friends who went to college there (they were still in school) and party it up there. We had a shit ton of fun except for the saturday night where I FU. I vaguely remember this, more of as a dream, but nontheless it happened. I got up from being passed out on my friends futon in his dorm and walked over the masses of drunk people on the floor to use the bathroom. But i was still pretty drunk at this point so i unfortunately didnt make it to the bathroom. I walked to the other side of the hall and went to a room identical to my friends (just on the other side). The door was open so i walked in, thinking it was my friends, and passed out again on a bed. I woke up soon after and pissed in the garbage can then zipped up my jeans and tried to fall back asleep in the bed. Turns out this was some random persons room and they woke up to me pissing in the garbage can. and the bed that i was sleepin in, there was some naked chick in there too. She was screaming and wondering who the hell i was. The guy who was in the room too, on the top bunk, was kind enough to tell me that this wasn't my room and that i need to leave. Since i was incapacitated still, i murmured my friends name and he led my drunk ass back to their room. When i woke up the next morning back on the futon i thought the whole thing was a dream. Even all my friends who i told the story too didn't believe me. So i laughed it off, thinking nothing of it, until later that day i see the same guy who helped me back to my friends room. I was shocked and asked him if what happened last night actually happend and he confirmed my story. At this point everyone else started celebrating cause they now had an amazing story to hold over my head for the rest of my life. Safe to say.. I fucked up. witteknokkels: Well, it ended better than i expected. You know, pissing in a garbage can and sleeping next to a naked chick and guy.... "haha dude no no problem ill just clean that piss up!" Joselini: Yes, definitely a Good Guy Greg... i think...

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captainpungent: TIFU my espressomaker & my right hand I put my fairly new espressomaker on the stove and then got lost in fixing my bike. When the smell of the molten plastic hit my room I rushed over and, out of pure stupidity, grabbed it to throw it into the sink. Ouch. kingdavecako: It's called a "moka pot"; grammatically, I don't see any reason why you would think "espressomaker" is one word. bamforeo: Wouldn't that be "mocha"? kingdavecako: No, it's a [moka pot.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moka_pot) Has nothing to do with chocolate. bamforeo: Ooh ok, TIL.

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PaleHorse94: TIFU: Spilled Nacho Cheese All Over My Man-Parts Well, I work at Taco Bell and we have to have all our Nacho Cheese on line at once. This is usually about 4-5 bags. They don't always fit in the front and the one that I tried to bring forward had been sitting in the back of our heated line for about 3 hours. The pan it was in was too hot and it ended up slipping out of my hand, and spilling all over my dick and the ground. Just for a little comparison; our beef has to be heated at at **LEAST** 165^o Fahrenheit. So needless to say it wasn't fun for me or my boys. Attach the facts that: 1.) My managers now think I'm a butterfingers. 2.) I had to clean up all that steaming hot cheese that violated my most personal area. I think it's safe to say that Today I fucked up. **TL/DR: I burned my man-burrito with hot cheese and had to clean it up.** Michi_THE_Awesome: They didn't let you go home and change? Perhaps mourn the burns of your nads? PaleHorse94: Nope. Also, I'm a minor, so it's pretty hard to get rides to and from work. I was generally fine, just lost a little pride and feeling for a bit. Michi_THE_Awesome: That sucks. TB was my first job and they actually take advantage of you alot. Read up on child labor laws and TB regulations. You'd be surprised. PaleHorse94: Believe me I know. I haven't had a break in almost a week. Very illegal, but.... It's money man. Michi_THE_Awesome: You should very discreetly email the regional manager. If that doesn't work discreetly email HQ then the department of labor. Exploitation is illegal. You can still get money w/o being over worked. It's really best for you if they follow the law. PaleHorse94: I'm gonna be off to college soon and I'm not really in the mood for all the trouble it's worth.

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yout1014: TIFU by going on reddit with my school laptop. So I was bored when doing some homework and decided to go on reddit. Being the derp I am I clicked on a couple of nswf links. Now my school has a very strict policy about going on sites like reddit and about pornography. Well, I haven't gotten called to the tech office. But I Fucked up bad. If they find out. The last 4 days of school will be in ISS and my parents will probably murder me. So theres my fuck up. EDIT: Wow, 50 up votes. Best post yet. To answer certain questions I can't delete the program that tracks the history. I'd need a MLTI passcode Plus we already gave up our laptop for the year. And also I live in Maine. thats why we have take home laptops. EDIT 2: Wow 111 upvotes! Uhhg, why can't self posts get karma, anyway I'm out of school with my hands free. Thanks for support and responses. EDIT 3: Past 120 mark. My best post yet. Still no word from the school. I'll keep you guys posted. EDIT 4: So I've been out of school for a week and no one has been at the school for awhile (Me and my friend BMX and we live in the middle of no where so the school is the only place that has curbs, so we go there about every day) I'm wondering if the IT team let it slide. SUPER EDIT: Over a year and I don't think they checked the history. ddelony1: They send you to the International Space Station? That's harsh. [deleted]: IN SCHOOL SUSPENSION but I know you knew that. shortyjacobs: I really did not know that. spazmodic-: that's why I always avoid ambiguous 3-letter initialisms Skylarity: YMT The_Vork: Ooh ooh "yeah me too"? Haha Skylarity: YGI! i_drink_corona: ISD Cunted_Cunt: DSL

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asnof: TIFU passed out instead of having sex Well last night was my best friends 20th birthday. Drinks were had and it was an amazing night, except I dont remember too much of it. I woke up in her bed and we had clothes on so if we did do it I certainly cant remember. DAMNIT! Chainmail_Danno: Was expecting a story. Was disappointed. :c asnof: A somewhat related one would be me accidentally sending a nudie picture to her sister Kind_Of_Like_Butter: Please don't ever become a writer. asnof: Haha, the difference if I was actually writing as a story would be effort, a little effort goes a long way. Kind_Of_Like_Butter: Sorry, I should have included a smiley face to make my statement seem less dickish. But come on, we want to read a story. Something entertaining. If not entertaining, at least some detail. Hell, make stuff up if you have to. Oh yeah, the smiley face: ◕‿◕

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[deleted]: sent office wide e-mail and included a different office. AyoChoice: Helpdesk giveth and helpdesk taketh away [deleted]: i do enjoy the "taketh away" part.

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Assaultman67: TIFU: Had my employee review, talked my way down in efficiency I had recently been hired on as a new engineer out of college. My boss was giving me an employee review and marked me as "100% efficient". When He got to that point he said something along the lines of "I'm very excited as to how well you're doing here and you seem to pick things up at an incredible speed. You seem to give very valid input to conversations even when only knowing the general scenario." Being the buffoon I was, I said something along the lines of "Yea, but *100*%? that's pretty much saying I do my job *perfectly*." So he marked me down to 90%. pie_monster: Next review if you keep quiet you can show a 10% performance increase; as well as being perfect. HR loves that shit. goblan: I fucking hate HR people. bbrossard: I think even HR people hate HR people. baconbum: I once hated the idea of HR. I thought they were the most useless group of people. Then I worked somewhere without HR. They honestly do make a difference. I can't believe I'm saying that. i_drink_corona: Dammit Toby. You are literally worse than Hitler. baconbum: [NOOOOO](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umDr0mPuyQc)

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CanFace: TIFU Set fire to the carpet in my house. Was walking through my house with a long strand of toilet paper I had been using to blow my nose (no tissues were present). Decided to lit some incense in my room so grabbed some and a lighter. Tried lighting the incense while walking to my room and accidentally set fire to the toilet paper, cause i'm an idiot. Tried to blow out the flame but it made it worse so I was forced to drop it. there's flaming toilet paper scattered across the hall carpet and all I can do is watch saying oh shit a million times. Now parts of my hall carpet are burnt, literally black. My Dad comes home in a few hours from work, i'm shitting my pants. Any ideas on how to hide the burnt carpet? macrovore: You should go back in time and save your parent's marriage. Then, tell them not to be so hard on you when you burn up the carpet several years from now. aprofondir: Holy shit that's from Back to the Future!

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SweetJimmyK: TIFU: Switching internet companies results in having to deal with the real world So I switched out my ISP yesterday, and was using their email system. I forgot to update my Battle.net account email before hand. Got a message saying my account is locked, tried to unlock it and it sent an email to the account that is no longer active. Phone queue is full and not accepting new calls so I can't unlock it. I have just jumped on the quitting smoking band wagon, and was going to play a game to take my mind off of it. Now I am stuck with the real world and not knowing what to do with myself. neanderthalman: You didn't fuck up by switching ISPs. You fucked up by using the ISP's email in the first place. This isn't 1994. SweetJimmyK: True, but I got the account before Gmail came out, so it was always my go to account for registering games, and I had a second battle.net account that used my gmail account that I can't delete. neanderthalman: Nobody said anything about Gmail. Hotmail launched free large-scale webmail in 1996. It's been more than fifteen years since anyone had any reason to be using their ISP email. SweetJimmyK: Meh, I had no reason not to use them. I had hotmail, but when trying to get a job, an actual ISP email address used to be preferable than hotmail or Yahoo. Times have changed, but 12 years ago no wanted to see [email protected] on a resume. [deleted]: You were just late to the party. [email protected] isn't so bad. Then again, a personal domain plus the free Google Apps is better than both.

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[deleted]: TIFU by waking up late for work, calling in saying I'll be 30 minutes late then calling in again out sick. Why? Because my alarm didn't work, oh right, and I'm fucking retarded to call in twice. TheByteBandit: "The doctor said it was the worst case of the shits he'd ever seen." No one will question it. [deleted]: I tell my boss one of my ovaries has a cyst and I could take the day off all because he'd rather not think about my reproductive parts.

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ClairdeWhimsy: TIFU by going 21,000 miles without an oil change and SURPRISE! my car gave up the ghost. My car has been making this weird noise for a couple of weeks, you see, and when I was Advanced Auto with my husband yesterday buying a new battery for his vehicle, I asked the nice man if he wouldn't mind taking a look. I turned the car on, it began making its death rattle, he popped the hood and said, "You ever seen those sludge commercials on TV?" And proceeded to show me exactly how much sludge my engine had accumulated. My husband asked, "When was the last time you got an oil change?" I looked at the little sticker in the window. "Um...last May...." The mileage when I had it changed last: about 128,000 miles. The current mileage: about 149,000. The Advanced Auto man suggested I go to Snappy Lube first thing in the morning to get everything flushed. And this morning the Snappy Lube people didn't want to touch it because the death rattle was coming from the bottom of the engine. He was nice, though; he didn't charge me for the three quarts of oil he put in my car. He said that I had bigger problems to worry about. So I took it to the garage next door where a gentlemanly mechanic with a rough face and sympathetic eyes told me that the timing belt was about to snap off and the cam shaft was totally warped. **Fuck. Me. Sideways.** *Why can't you just pay to have it repaired?"* you ask. Good question. I have a **2001 Saturn.** And because Saturn decided that GM parts simply weren't good enough, I can only use other Saturn parts, which doubles the cost of ALL repairs. My repair cost would be upwards of **$2600** for a car that is literally only worth **$500.** *But what does this have to do with an oil change?* you might ask. Well, boys and girls, oil keeps all the little parts in the engine from rubbing against each other, and when there's no oil they grind together. The heat of the friction raises the temperature in the engine and things start to warp. The bright side is that my car doesn't have enough power to pop a piston through the head. *And why are you so fucked?* you ask? Other than the fact that I'm 100% responsible, I don't have the money for another car. I make enough to buy groceries, gas, and to pay my student loans each month. My husband and I will have to empty what little savings we have to get a car. My father-in-law, who is a fucking *genius* at negotiating, is in Mexico visiting family for the next three weeks. My husband just finished the school year (he's a teacher), summer **just* started on Monday, and this is the first thing he has to deal with. I'm almost three weeks into a new internship (paid, thank God), so this looks brilliant to my employers. And did I mention this is **100%** my fault? **Tl; dr: I went 21,000 miles without an oil change; car gives up the ghost; broke as a joke.** KingKidd: 1) junkyard diving. Find a Saturn with the parts and just pay for the metal. 2) who in their right mind goes over a year without an oil change? ClairdeWhimsy: I'm not proud. KingKidd: That should help if you're willing to get dirty and find the parts yourself. ClairdeWhimsy: I honestly wouldn't even know what to look for. It's worth a shot though. Thanks :-) Edit: It would require ripping apart the engine, finding the parts, and then paying for the labor, which would run about $1500. The car is done. driftsc: buy an engine at the junk yard, have husband learn how to install an engine. ClairdeWhimsy: While he's pretty knowledgeable about cars and tools and such, I don't have that kind of time. I have a temporary solution, but I'll need something permanent relatively soon. Clegko: Engine swaps, if you know what you're doing (or learn quick as fuck) can take less than a weekend. ClairdeWhimsy: Did I mention that my car is literally worth less that $500? [deleted]: Do not listen to these people. If you don't know enough about your car to get oil changes on time, you definitely don't know enough to swap out the engine. Assaultman67: no shit LOL I think they're just trying to make the situation worse.

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bebemaster: TIFU when attempting to replace honda brake rotor... So I had a few hours and the weather was nice so I decide that I can go ahead and put new pads and rotors on (which I had previously bought) my car. I was having a tough time getting the rotor off the hub. The usual method of breaking it loose with a hammer wasn't working so I decide to use the bolt holes (which are meant for helping to pry them off) Well the normal ratchet wasn't giving me enough force to get them off so I break out the impact wrench and turn that baby up. Rip the section of rotor around the bolt holes right up and off the rest of the rotor, rotor is still stuck... http://i.imgur.com/cy6FC.jpg Only after breaking both of them did I notice the little screws (the ones with the yellow marks over them) holding the rotor to the hub... [deleted]: That really is quite a fuck up but I must ask, how in the fuck did you miss 2 silver screws on a rusty brake disk? gyanos422: I see your point but I understand his situation. None of my cars ever had screws holding the rotors on so I wouldn't have thought to loosen them either. I would have gotten pissed and had someone else do it lol [deleted]: But, it's kinda common sense to undo all nuts and screws that are on what you're trying to take off. Even if you don't do it at first and you fail a few times you've still got to think "hmmm maybe these 2 screws right here on what I'm trying to take off might be holding it on." Tarkaan: I'd love to see your face when you accidentally pull out *adjustment screws* like that... [deleted]: Been there, done that, rectified it.