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Neebat: TIFU: $1 bills are still money? My wife handles the bank transactions, so I never know how much cash is in my wallet at any given time. I don't actually have a credit card (I may have to correct that,) but she always makes sure I have some cash for incidentals, so I don't worry about it. Today, at Subway, they'd finished making my sandwich and I got to the register before I looked in my wallet. Took me a minute to dig through all the singles to find I only had a $5 bill and no $10's or $20's to pay with. I told them, "Sorry, my wife's been in my wallet again, and I have no money." At that point, the guy behind me asked me if I just needed a dollar or something. That woke me up to the idea of actually COUNTING those $1 bills. It turns out, I've been saving my $1 bills for vending machines for so long, it hadn't even occurred to me to count them. I had $2 more than I needed to pay. No problem at all. I was freaking out, holding up the line and creating a scene over absolutely fucking nothing. nabnob: wow, you're an idiot. Neebat: It sure felt that way. Joenobody211: its not that it "felt" like you are an idiot......it's that you *are* an idiot. Neebat: If you're not yet able to recognize that you sometimes act like an idiot, it's because you haven't found another way to act. gef21: You're not an idiot, everyone has derp moments at some point. Rude_Narwhal: Apparently not /u/nabnob or /u/Joenobody211 gef21: But anyone can be smart on the Internet, they just have to call other people an idiot for no real reason to make themselves feel better. Rude_Narwhal: What's the fucking point of having intelligence if I can't gloat about it online in front of strangers by putting others down? gef21: So, in other words, you don't know why people need intelligence other than to try and hurt people emotionally on the Internet? Any scraps of intelligence are wasted on you... just kidding, I know the feeling of making others feel bad, and it's a bad feeling unless they deserve it ಠ\_ಠ Rude_Narwhal: Isn't it? I often try to apologize before correcting someone as to try and make it seem less like I'm undermining their intelligence but more like I'm just trying to enlighten them further. gef21: Yeah, I guess that's alright, you get the joy of hurting someone, they get the joy of thinking they've been helped, everyone's a winner! Rude_Narwhal: Not quite what I was going for, but if that's how it shall be interpreted, I see no reason to argue it.

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mast0dawn: TIFU: Permanently deleted my entire music library EvoMethod: Recuva, Look it up, its made by the same people who do CCleaner. Its saved me more than once when I've deleted a file permanently by accident. Even saved my Resume after a windows Install. :) mast0dawn: Damn! thats some heavy duty software! Thank you! ive downloaded some pretty obscure stuff that ive found on the smaller music subreddits that i could never remember. Now i feel like im not going to rip someones head off :) EvoMethod: Glad to make your day better.

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SchizophrenianRedhea: TIFU Being shy at party, ending up puking on hosts parents Okay it's some weeks ago now but i wont forget it. One of my best friends is pretty popular in the local cities. He decided to invite me. By expirience i know that alcohol can make you more social. But... i came over to my friends party before everyone else. i didn't knew anybody at the party except my good friend (host). we took a couple of drinks before the other guests arrived. I noticed i few times that i was drinking a bit more than him. Anyways... The guests arrived and i said hello to them. Some of them were pretty cool to talk to, but not really the friends i would normally choose. Until about 10 pm i was just following my friend around and spoke to the same people as him. he really wanted me to become good friends with them. But one of the last things i remember was me and him talking to a girl who brought a Morgan. She asked if i wanted a bit of it and i said yes. i just drank from the bottle. She asked if it didn't taste bad because it wasn't mixed with Cola. I said no. well... From that point i really don't remember what happened. The last sight i got was a one-second memory of me laying on my friends bathroom floor with his dad infront of me with puke all over. The next day: I woke up in my own bed. Even though me and the host made a deal the i could sleep on his couch. The moment i woke up in my own bed i realised that i have really FUCKED UP. Later i was told that i've been puking all over his house and his parents. my brother came other to drive me home and my parents got the message that i passed out. My parents didn't knew i was at a party. I got the impression that everyone at the party hates me now because hosts parents shutted it down. All my fault. i don't think i can ever speak to those people again without being embaressed. ggggbabybabybaby: You sound like a young person. Kids make mistakes, especially when it comes to drinking. Own up to it, offer to make it up to your friend and forgive yourself. SchizophrenianRedhea: i'm 15. It's about 2 months since i've been at his house. (normally every 2nd week). I've been invited over for a lan-party in some days... it's gonna be awkward as fuck to meet his parents again. Though they are pretty cool. ggggbabybabybaby: If you see them, just apologize. Tell them you feel really really bad about what happened 2 months ago and you're still embarrassed to think about it now. If you feel really shitty you can offer to mow their lawn or something but otherwise just be an adult and apologize and hopefully they're adults enough to accept it and move on. SchizophrenianRedhea: My dad called his parents the next day. They said it was okay and i shouldn't be embaressed. I speak to my friend like every day, and he said that i shouldn't be afraid to come over. ConstableOdo: Just be really casual. Be like "Hey, you two, I feel really bad about last time... I'd really like to make it up to you. If you ever need help weeding or painting or something, call me and embarrass me into helping." I handle everything as casually as possible. Though, I am about to post my own TIFU

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Thetalkingcupcake: TIFU by kissing my best friend. I have a crush on my best friend. I'ma a girl and she is a girl. She doesn't like girls but I was hard headed and kissed her. All she did was through a ball at me and punch me. But the weird thing is she is texting me now. And not about that. I asked her and she said 'Forgive and Forget.' ggggbabybabybaby: One of my best friends happens to be a lesbian and she's told me that she'd get into all kinds of trouble falling in love with her straight best friends. But she eventually found someone that was excited to share in her love and love her back and it was a million times better. If your friend isn't worried then you shouldn't be worried either. We make mistakes in our youth, we learn and we move on. If you still feel uncomfortable, ask to talk about it or find someone else to talk about it to. Thetalkingcupcake: thank you. I will talk your advice.

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bigdicksidekick: TIFU by moving somewhere I don't want to be. It wasn't exactly today, it was two weeks ago. But all the same, I could use some advice. I was told to try posting here after trying in /r/self and /r/needadvice. Here's what I wrote there. Hey, I'm just looking for some advice. I moved to a new city (Tallahassee) two weeks ago, coming from a rural country town after just graduating from high school. I was living with my grandparents and now I live with my older brother who's working on his masters. My little brother who is 14 is going to visit in a week and if he likes it he might move in too. I told my older brother that I would stay here for a year, because he told me I'd have to sign a lease for that long. I haven't yet though, but I did pay him for a month's worth of rent. The problem is I hate it here. I miss how simple and quiet things were in the country. I miss all of my friends. I don't know anyone here but my brother. I don't know of anythings to do around here. My brother keeps asking me what I want to do on his days off but I don't know what there is around here so I ask him to suggest things, but all of his suggestions suck because all he ever does is play music and do homework or work at his job. I'm thinking of sabotaging my little brother's visit so that he wants to go back home and then I could use that as my reasoning for wanting to go back. If I stay, my options are to either work the shittiest food service jobs available with the worst hours for the next year with nothing else to do or to enlist in the military. I don't really want to do either of those because both would mean that I would have to stop smoking weed, which I have used medicinally for the past four years to help with depression and back pains. I've never worked a real job in my life before and yesterday I had a trial run at a pizza buffet place and I hated it. At the end of a day of being on my feet non stop I felt like someone bent my back in half. If I go back to my home town, I would need money to stay in my old house because my child support was the only thing that really kept me fed and paid for my share of utilities. I would be okay working food service jobs or whatever else I could get back at home, because I would at least have my friends and the family I've known for a longer time to keep me sane (also weed). This moving experience has been the first time me and my older brother have spent any meaningful time together in quite a while aside from visits on holidays; last time we spent much time together was almost 8 years ago I think. We just don't connect on anything. It makes this very difficult because he is almost always busy and unable to show me things to do in the city and because he is the only person I have to talk to here. I am really home sick and wishing I didn't make the quick decision to move here. Somebody give me some advice. I don't think I can stand it here just toughing it out for much longer before I start to lose my mind. Edit: I don't want reasons I should stay as much as I want ways to let my brother down easy. I don't want to disappoint him or piss him off by backing out of what was supposed to be a long term commitment. asnof: It sounds like you are home sick man. If you work in a restaurant I can pretty much guarantee that you will be able to find weed after giving people a chance and getting to know them. I understand it is a pretty serious crime in most parts of america. But if you want an excuse tell him you dont feel like you fit in, however it doesnt really seem like you are giving the place a fair chance. It takes time to meet people and it is different at first but if you are like me you just need to warm up to your surroundings. bigdicksidekick: I'll give it an extra month, and if by the beginning of August things aren't working still I'll see if I can find an out then. I already know my brother's good friend who smokes a lot of pot but since I already told my brother that I'm considering enlisting then I shouldn't smoke. I don't want to enlist but that beats working in food service for 5 years or more. He's working on his masters right now and the only job he could find is part time at Edible Arrangements. M1RR0R: The military may not be a good idea if you have back pain. Do you know if you would pass the physical exam?

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Caaaatt: TIFU when I had the first bite of my cereal. I was getting ready this morning in a huge rush. I quickly poured my cereal, and threw on a little cinnamon like I usually do. In my haste, I threw on way more than I needed, and also failed to cover it all in milk. It was like the cinnamon challenge gone wrong. I threw up all over the kitchen, and on my clothes. I ended up calling in to say I was going to be late, which I should've done in the first place to avoid all this. TLDR; Cinnamon on cereal is not as delicious coming back up. HappyNarwhal: Your first mistake was thinking you had the time for cereal and milk in a morning rush. gifforc: yeah..i thought that only happened in movies. "ALRIGHT HONEY I'M IN A HURRY, PLEASE SERVE ME MY ALLSTAR SLAM SO I CAN ATTEMPT TO EAT IT AND MAKE IT TO WORK ON TIME."

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[deleted]: TIFU: Told a guy he was the blackest guy I'd ever seen. Background. I grew up in sheepfuck, Nowhere and when I see black people, I am curious. I don't have any opinion of them, they just are interesting to look at. Anyway, I was at Wendy's today and there were some construction workers there. One of the men was so black he looked blueish where the light hit him. I was completely awe-struck because I thought blue-black was some sort of made up thing. He caught me looking a few times, and then I got nervous and then he gave me a weird look and my troll-brain was like "Just explain yourself, that always works" So I said "Sorry, I don't mean to stare. I've never seen anyone as dark as you before." I was so mortified halfway through the sentence, as I realized what was coming out of my mouth that I don't remember what facial expression he wore. I kept going to with stuff like "Sorry I am from a really white area." All his coworkers laughed, he might have, I don't know. I probably said four or five stupid things. URG. If I were a kid at least it would be my parents looking embarrassed and not me. [deleted]: Hahaha, I think that's hilarious. I don't think the guy got mad at you. Sometimes I see white people and I stare too because I think they're pale as fuck. RD_Is_Best_Pony: I am in awe with how pale my girlfriend is. She often catches me staring in disbelief. Dilseacht: No she doesn't. RD_Is_Best_Pony: See, now you just trolling me. Pale girl. Dilseacht: I have never caught you staring at me due to my paleness. RD_Is_Best_Pony: :P OldLeopardSkin: Get a room you hippies! broken_life: [Oh you!](http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/316/708/ca1.jpg)

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[deleted]: TIFU: Bought a new computer to play Diablo 3, that can't run Diablo 3. I just finished downloading Diablo 3 for 8 hours when I was informed that it will not run on my graphics card in the laptop I just bought specifically to play Diablo 3. So now I'm broke and sad. poop_monster: Dude, post your laptop specifications, I'll try to help you out! Mogoliapoopoosa: Its the graphics card I fooled around with it a bit and got it to run but it doesn't run very well. Everything in it is fine except the Mobile Intel 4 Series Express Chipset Family which is really the only thing I can't change. poop_monster: The only other thing I can recommend is if there is any way you can return your laptop and use the money to build budget gaming rig instead, that would be great. If you are in the USA, I've seen some 300-500$ custom built rigs (they are not terribly difficult to build at all, even for a beginner) that run diablo 3 decently. [deleted]: This. /r/buildapc is a great place to start. I saw a $300 gaming build the other day. Also, for laptops discrete graphics are the way to go. I have a lenovo Y470 that plays games decently, but I have to lower settings if i connect to my 1080p monitor.

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[deleted]: TIFU: Let ISP view my browsing history Asked them to diagnose my internet problem, give them permission to monitor my internet browsing. I look at weird shit while waiting for them to call back.(I was oblivious the whole time) They called me an hour later to tell me that they would be sending a technician to replace my ONT and clean up the lizards in my internet. god that was so fucking embarrassing Lorgar88: lizards = porn? [deleted]: lizard porn

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brookdalealec: TIFU: Said I'd give flowers to a lady friend of mine I used to be one of those guys who was very antisocial, but I've recently changed. I found this chick I just want to be friends with, but I wasn't sure if gender played a role in how you interact with friends. Well, she got her wisdom teeth out yesterday, and I thought that she would appreciate a gift of flowers to get well soon and all. Well, I told her I'd swing by to drop off these flowers. She immediately thought of this as some kind of move, and explained to me she was already dating. I did research afterwords with buddies and found out that giving flowers *is a sign of affection* (you wouldn't give flowers to your guy friend, would you?). Immediately regretting what I did, I apologized and said that I didn't know flowers were a sign of affection and I really just want to be friends. She hasn't responded yet. **tl;dr Don't even think of giving flowers to a friend** pianoshizzle: I feel your pain. It is very hard these days to judge an appropriate gesture of good will to someone of the opposite gender, without making it look as though you are hitting on them. How long have you known this chick for? By giving flowers, it does show a sign of affection, and she obviously just misunderstood- not your fault at all. It is a very kind of gentlemanly thing to do, so many kudos to you! [deleted]: Yeah i've known her for a couple years, that could have made a difference. pianoshizzle: I think she could've reacted a bit better and be a bit more grateful than simply thinking you were hitting on her, considering you've known her for a long time [deleted]: It's not like we were close friends, and for a year the only contact we had were friendly smiles to each other in the hallway.

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[deleted]: TIFU: My best friend's girl sucked my dick. So, this TECHNICALLY happened last night around 4 in the AM. I was getting wasty face with my friends on a Thursday night, and a girl who I've always known from my high school was there, let's just call her Megan. So, my friend Jesse and I were talking about Megan a few weeks before and how she was probably one of the few girls in the school we'd consider perfect. That next week he said he went on a date with her, but never said anything of the sort after it. I went to the party, and she happened too be there. Being the kind, outgoing, ladies man I am, I conversed myself with her, and basically told her that mine, and her friendship would start tonight. A few games of bong and bottle of wine later, I asked if somebody wanted to go on a walk to my car with me so I could get some shorts to sleep in. I was obviously talking to her, but she insisted she'd go. Ladidadida, she blew me. Today, I get a text from Jesse freaking out, because Megan sucked on my pener. Apparently, after that one date, they've been talking, but not technically dating. What the fuck do I do. DeboothOxyodious: Talk to him, say it straight out and tell him what happened. [deleted]: You see, I tried that. He's too stubborn to understand that I had absolutely no idea they were anything. :( chantistar: She blew you on a first date? Stick with your friend she is too easy. [deleted]: Agreed my friend. Too bad this kid is probably never going to talk to me again hahaha. chantistar: Sounds pretty juvenile. Best of luck. [deleted]: thanks man!

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[deleted]: TIFU by stabbing myself in the belly with a pencil immediately after breaking my ipod. For some ungodly reason I always put freshly sharpened pencils in my pocket facing upwards. Today I dropped my ipod onto hard ceramic floor. This resulted in a useless pile of electronics covering the ground. Bending down to pick everything up, the pencil dug its way into my belly. flyingmigit8: Put a little vodka on that to clean it, and wrap your ripped up shirt around it. The wound will be healed in no time. Pyromine: Or drink a little vodka, you won't give a shit about it then hahahaha. Oh, disclaimer im cocked right now, so ya. Rocketbird: How would ya like to get *double cocked?* ;) Pyromine: Wait, what? I'm confused haha, oh wait I think I get it. Is it like because he got fucked over like twice? DCBizzle: I think that man has two penises and he is offering them to you. HBecquerel: Welcome to /r/nocontext! DCBizzle: Neat! It's truly an honor and quite a special moment in my Reddit career, I thank you. GenOmega: Nocontext got me the second most karma I ever gotten in a single post. The first most was a comment about my dick.

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Ellis_Freeman: TIFU by mixing Ginger Ale and Rice Krispies I don't know why I thought that would work, but I was hungry, we didn't have any milk, and I sure as hell wasn't going to eat my cereal without any milk. So, being the genius I am, I settled on using the closest consumable liquid: Ginger Ale. Quite possibly the worst combination I have ever eaten. goblan: I tried apple juice and cheerios once. It was pretty weird. bigstumpy: for a while my dad ate apple juice and total every morning. ughhhhhh

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Pyromine: TIFU I got blasted and I walked to where my girlfriend was sleeping over just down the road Ok, you may be able to tell that I'm in high school by this haha, but I got blasted and walked the fifteen minuted down to where my girlfriend is sleeping over her friend's house. Her sister was also sleeping their too and is all pissed at me for going over piss drunk. I might have just fucked up my entire relationship with this girl, GREAT! tl;dr Got cocked, saw girlfriend, she might break up with me when I'm sober, not sure yet. ~~p.s. I'm still somewhat fucked so ya, oh and Firefox spell check is awesome, makes what I'm typing legible.~~ Not anymore, but ya. [deleted]: shut up Pyromine: Umm, why? [deleted]: shut up

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claireashley31: TIFU by throwing my mom's kindle in the lake. We're at my lake house, and I'm sitting on the dock, reading my mom's kindle. A hornet comes up and is buzzing around me, and I'm super allergic to all types of bee stings, so I swat at it hard enough to stun it, effectively smacking the shit out of it. As this happens, the kindle flies out of its case and arcs gracefully over the edge of the dock. I see it about to hit the water, and (thanks lifeguard training) start to dive in. I realize I have my iPhone on me, and throw it over my shoulder mid-dive. I'm able to grab the kindle before it hits the bottom, but the damage is done. And my iPhone glass cracked. Yeahhh. WhipIash: Wow that's terrible.. but I presume the kindle is way cheaper than your iphone, so you're an idiot. chantistar: it was his/her mother's. it means more than price to him/her. kurin: A kindle is an odd keepsake. I bet his mom is fine, and he just owes her a new kindle. chantistar: Who said anything about it being a keepsake? It's more about respecting your parent's stuff which might mean something different for them than it does the younger generation. You know how hard it is for some baby boomers just to learn how to text on a cell phone? A new Kindle being damaged would probably make them want to give up on technology idefintely. I'm sure the OP's mom is ok and realizes it was a mistake, but seriously your comment was a bit dismissive. kurin: > your comment was a bit dismissive Well, yes, I was dismissing your hypothesis. chantistar: Actually you were dismissive of the fact that people have likes and dislikes and her loss of a device might be more upsetting than if your new device was lost/ruined. That's fine If you don't agree but either "hypothesis" is plausible. Jesus fucking Christ. It's like a pissing contest on here. kurin: Yes, that was the hypothesis I was dismissing. It was a kindle. There will be other kindles. chantistar: You are so sure of yourself. Want a cookie? kurin: I thought about it, honestly, I don't want to go all the way to CVS just for that. chantistar: Lazy

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DevilWorshipper: TIFU: Drank my own piss. I admit I'm an alcoholic. Occasionally, during semi-conscious blackouts I pee in weird places, ie. the laundry basket or any other random container that happens to be nearby. The night before last I pissed in an empty 16oz beer can that was next to my bed and put it back on the nightstand, full, and promptly forgot about it. Flash forward to 3:00 am this morning. I awake (come-to) and, thankfully, make it to the bathroom and have a piss. I often take a beer with me to bed but don't drink it because I fall asleep quickly (one of the many benefits of alcoholism). I like to finish-off these open beers when I awake for my 3:00 am pee, so, yup, I picked it up and was happy because it was full. Began taking a good glug and swallowed some before I realized something was very, very wrong. It didn't take long to figure it out. The worst part was I was completely out of beer. itsmescotch: I can't believe you did that? Run out of Beer?!? This truly belongs in TIFU Moral of the story: always leave some beer for yourself in the morning DevilWorshipper: tifu- I do have two extra Earthquakes for tonight. *Never Again*. thebornotaku: I think Earthquake counts as a TIFU on it's own

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agent019: TIFU by flipping off a six year old girl. I was pulling out of a parking lot at a right turn only, but i didn't know it was right turn only, and i wanted to go left. So i was at the left side of the stop, and then realized my mistake. So as i turn to go right, a guy in a fat black SUV tries to cut inside me to turn first. Well i ended up cutting him off, because it was my turn to turn. Then he turns, and speeds up and goes flying around me. Well i gave a casual little finger, not out the window, just inside the car, right as his little daughter leans out the window and makes eye contact with me. There's a quiet pause for a moment, then he slams on the brakes and i went zipping past him as he makes the angriest face i have ever seen at me. Woops. workin2hard: You go! Teach that little bitch about respectful driving! slouched: because theres no chance the car behind him thought he was going left, even though he jumped to the right to cut the "fat black suv" off, right? it cant possibly be his fault for being unpredictable and causing hazard while driving workin2hard: I live 10 miles off this dead-end highway that's yuppies to the left, and seniors to the right (literally - at the intersection to my house). The yuppies are stupid fuckin' tree huggers, and the the seniors are 90 year old decrepit folks who don't belong anywhere near a road. I know I'll get downvoted for this - I don't hate old people - but I hate that, on a 2-lane highway, they insist on going 20mph under the speed limit in the fast lane because the slow lane scares them (with all the merging) - and the more you try to persuade them to move, the more cantankerous they become. Living across from a giant old-folks neighborhood, I've seen some truly frightening things! slouched: persuade them to move? if the traffic in the slow lane is moving faster than them, go around them. why bother with getting frustrated that they wont do as you please when you ride their ass? if the other lanes arent going faster then be happy youre moving faster than they are. people should pull over/merge over to let you pass but not everyone is as courteous as you workin2hard: Problem is, there's only 2 lanes - so the people who want to go slow and have some common curtesy stay over there, along with the trucks, etc - so what we end up with is an entire highway held hostage to 20mph under the speed limit because of these jackasses. It's law, and curtesy, for slower traffic to "keep right". slouched: it definitely is, but you have to consider that you live in an old folks area, youre the odd one out who wants to speed and are probably pissing them off just as much as theyre pissing you off. i guess i wasnt clear enough with my sarcasm. what im trying to say is youre no less rude than they are just because you want something different. workin2hard: I do have a general philosophy though - if someone wants to go faster than me, and I can let them without having to slow down (ie: there's room for me to move over and get out of their way) I always do it. I don't care if I think they're stupid - in fact, I hope they pick off the cops ahead for me so I have less to worry about! Also important in back country roads - I go the speed I'm comfortable - if someone catches up to me and stays on my tail, they're obviously comfortable going faster than I am - so when I get a reasonable opportunity I pull over... not like the other day when some old guy who looked frightening was going 25-30mph for 13 miles in a 55mph road... and he'd slow nearly to a stop when going around curves. I was truly amazed the highway patrol officer behind him didn't do anything about it! People will go around when they get the chance, and if they have to do it forcefully, it creates an unsafe environment for everyone around. It's a simple rule - slower traffic, keep right - that's it! /Rant slouched: im thankful you drive that way, i drive the same. the problem is not everyone does, you have to accept that youre a better driver than the average person, its like getting mad at people for sucking at math when you work with numbers daily. but again, thank you for being a polite driver who pays attention on the road

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[deleted]: TIFU by buying an iTunes card and not putting the code in I bought the card an hour ago, got to my house and bought an album and thought nothing of it. My mom asked how much the album cost, only 10 bucks, and then I look at the card and realized I didn't scratch it. So now I'm getting an email in a few days saying that my dad's credit card has been used to purchase it. Tomorrow is Fathers Day. kinjjibo: Now you have an unscratched Father's Day present. ToastyRaichu: Hehe.. About that.. I've entered it, but have not bought anything yet. Still usable, but my mom thinks that there are only 4-5 dollars left in the account. I was super cheap and only offered 5 dollars on a Target gift card that my mom got him.

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Dannylyons47: Tifu ghost chillies Today I was cutting up some ghost chillies to make some spicy salsa. I was doing it naked tho to save time because I was about to take a shower. I finished cutting up the chillies and without thinking I scratched my nuts. Almost instantly my nuts burst into flames I ran into my bathroom and filled my tub with cold water and squatted in to for 45 min before the pain went away. I really fucked up. The most pain iv ever been in. cookiewhistle: What you did is about as dumb as frying bacon without a shirt on. Dummy. zubasheavey: i can attest to this

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PilotTheCannibal: TIFU by killing the hamster of the six year old I was babysitting. I have always been pretty frightened of rodents, but the kid kept asking me to hold her hamster and I didn't want to seem like a lame babysitter. Things seemed to be going okay, and gradually after three or four minutes I stopped paying attention to it (we were watching a movie.) However, I think I might have started squeezing it too tight or something because it decided to sink its teeth into my finger, causing me to freak out and throw it against the wall. I don't think I'll get asked to babysit there again. neanderthalman: It didn't bite you because you squeezed it, so don't worry. It bit you because it's a hamster, and hamsters are *assholes*. Morrigane: The **worst** bite I ever got from an animal was from a hamster. Right on the pad of my index finger. CharlieTango: Last week i got bit by a rat when i fed him to my snake, that was the worst bite i had ever had. 10 minutes later i got bit by my boa constrictor... Needless to say the rat wasnt as impressive AJJihad: do boas bite? CharlieTango: Yes. All snakes bite. 5 foot constrictors just hurt more than most darthelmo: How did you get it to let go? Everything I've heard says they're quite tenacious. CharlieTango: I jump about a foot every time he strikes, never had a problem with having it hold on. Basically you wait until it lets go, if you pull it off youll have teeth imbeded only_one_contact: I've always had good results holding his little head under a stream of water (turn on the bathtub if he's bigger). CharlieTango: thanks for the tip

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blueyedlvrx01: TIFU: I drank my own toenail clippings. Last night, I cut my toenails and put them in my empty gatorade bottle. Today, I needed a drink, so I filled up the gatorade bottle with water. And drank the whole thing. I almost threw up upon my realization. [deleted]: I see talent. You seem to be able to swallow hard objects... blueyedlvrx01: Yeah. Because not everyone can swallow pills... [deleted]: Without noticeably doing so? blueyedlvrx01: Sure. But without a drink? No.

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dmfxyz: TIDFU by losing my directors mother's wedding ring Today i REALLY fucked up when i, during a scene that have, was using a ring as a prop. The next day i found that i seemed to have misplaced it. In a frantic look for it the director told me that it was not only his mothers, but also that she had passed on. To summarize, I felt like crap. pizearke: Today you fucked up the acronym for "Today I fucked up". coveritwithgas: Double-fucked up? Or maybe definitely? pizearke: Today, I didn't fuck up. darthelmo: Not sure that one applies this day. pizearke: Maybe he doesn't like the director.

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vinnie16: TIFU by showing my younger brother 9gag my life is miserable EnvyandDust: Can't you just correct it by showing him reddit? vinnie16: he thinks reddit is too "boring" then I slapped him dayman123: let him burn

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[deleted]: TIFU by letting swarms of fire ants into my new house. Oh god, why. I moved into a new house a few weeks ago and everything was awesome. I do not have a job or a car right now, and I am staying on campus this summer. My roommate is working at a summer camp for the whole summer. Due to my unemployment and lack of a car, I just stay in my room and chill. I sleep during the morning and stay up all night. I usually have low lighting in my room. Because of my extreme introversion I eat in my room. Because of my laziness I let some food around. It was not much at all, Only some crumbs and some crust of a sandwich. I left it on my backpack next to my desk. Due to my low lighting, I did not notice ants coming in until it was too late. I noticed some ants walking around and I got bit once. I started looking around, and when I lifted up my backpack, I gasped in horror. Fire ants were swarming around on the floor. I took all of the food crap out of my room and I threw my backpack outside. I spent the next hour stomping on ants and duct taping the wall where they were coming in. I tried to bake some stuff yesterday and got dough on my shirt. I did not think of it. Fast forward a few hours to tonight. My neighbor comes by and gets bit right away. I thought that I had killed all of them. NOPE. They were *covering* my shirt that I left on the ground. There is a second whole in the wall near where it turns out my roommate left some food before he left for camp. I did not notice it because some stuff fell on top of it. So begins Round Two grabbing the stuff, throwing it outside, stomping on ants, the whole thing. I duct taped up that portion of the wall as well. Tomorrow I am going to buy some ant traps. **TL:DR**- **I am a lazy dumbass piece of shit.** chlamydiadarling: I had an invasion of ants last summer. I sprayed the carpet, wall and windowsill area with ant killer stuff and hoovered up the dead and the stragglers for 3 days straight, then they actually got the hint and abandoned their war efforts. Glorious battle! awai_kakesu: I made up names for my encounters. The War for 12A. First contact/Battle for the Desk- I pushed them back and massacred their first strike team. The Flogging of the Backpack- Outside Ambush on the Plains(my carpeting near the door). Black Shirt Battle- inside Battle for the Great Plains- pushed them back to their second entrance Black Shirt Battle Pt. 2- outside Guerrilla Warfare- picking off random ants I see walking around.

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PicklesofTruth: TIFU and fell off my bicycle in a mall parking lot. Also i work in the mall. and I was drunk. recently the mall has placed several speed bumps all around the parking lot, and i hit one of these unexpectedly and lost my balance. i got up immediately and pedaled away quickly. [deleted]: Drunk bicycling is pretty dangerous, the first thing alcohol takes away is your balance. PicklesofTruth: no the first thing alcohol takes away is your drivers license NutritiousSlop: You can get a DUI on a bicycle, too. If you have one, you might need to speak to a lawyer. PicklesofTruth: yeah i know. nothing happened though so no big deal. NutritiousSlop: DUIs are kind of a big deal. In most states, you can't get them expunged, ever. They hang over you for life. Some landlords won't rent to people who've got criminal histories like that, and in some cases you'll lose out on jobs. I'm not trying to lecture. If there's a question in your mind that you might be drinking/abusing substances, get help. Don't wind up dead because you think you're "alright." PicklesofTruth: ok the whole reason i'm riding a bike is because i do have a dui already. yeah it is a big deal especially where i live here in texas. it's class b misdemeanor. now in my case i was convicted without jail time, but license has been suspended for three years, so now i've got 2 years to go. but it wasn't like i was falling all over the place. the whole reason i even made this was because of where i fell: a mall parking lot. specifically the parking lot of the mall in which i work. and it happened right in front of the biggest, busiest entrance. so not only was i seen falling, but probably seen by people who know me. and i hurt my hand and knee, so yeah i fucked up. Was it smart to ride my bike after drinking? probably not. in texas three DUI's is mandatory prison time no exception. could this hinder me from several things in life? it's possible, but most times when people run a background check, they are looking for violent behavior, drug related crimes, crimes against children, or thievery. I have a good job, and they know about my DUI, and thus far it has not been used against me. i don't have a substance abuse problem of any kind. it was all just a freak accident. just because i felt like i could try to ride my bike home does not mean i will ever get behind the wheel of a car intoxicated again. at least with a bike i've only got my own life in my hands, in a car i could hurt someone, and when i was arrested for this to begin with i am VERY VERY VERY lucky that i did not hurt anyone. burnsidelocal: You know those AA classes they wanted you to go to? Try one, and if you dont think you are an alcoholic, sign the little form for yourself like all the other people who keep getting into more trouble. PicklesofTruth: i appreciate the concern, but no.

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Hovertac: TIFU: I bought a Dell Poweredge without realizing the hard drive connections are SCSI. I don't have any SCSI hard drives. kevinwoodward: I haven't even heard of SCSI. Sticking to my sata and ide Kazinsal: Whaaaaaaaat? I'm genuinely surprised. SCSI's been around for longer than SATA, and I'm pretty sure it's been around for as long as ATA-1/IDE. Ewalk: SCSI is high cost and in the consumer market is about bringing cost down, so SCSI wasn't big there. I didn't hear about SCSI until I started working in commercial IT.

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oskarw85: TIFU by falling off my bike. Lost four teeth. I was trying to drive by man that was walking with his dog on a left side of the pavement. I was going at about 25 mph and just as I was about to drive by them the fucking dog decided to run right in front of my bike through all pavement width. In split second I braked hard and next thing I know is flying in the air. I lost 4 teeth-upper 1's and 2's. Thankfully nothing broken. Looks like I would have to spend wedding savings on teeth implants. Fuck my life. PS. Bonus points - my bike is now in possession of the dog owner because I had noone to take it after ambulance took me to the hospital. withmorten: What a fucking asshole dogowner. oskarw85: It wasn't his fault, he couldn't see me. It's just bad luck. withmorten: Oh, I thought he stole your bike. But he didn't, he was just the only one available to take care of it, right? oskarw85: Yes, exactly as you say. withmorten: Ah, good.

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saxapwn: TIFU while be-yah-ing (the Howard Dean yell) after winning in beer pong and ended up punching a girl in the face. It was a long and excruciating game of beer pong, constantly going back and forth between my team and the opponents. Finally we ended up winning. And in a congratulatory moment for myself, I beyah'd hard and drove my fist right into a girls chin. Luckily, I didn't cause any damage besides my bruised ego and a shock factor for everyone. However it was extremely funny to watch the girls boyfriend laugh hysterically from my stupidity. He could of easily kicked my ass for it and I would not of argued whatsoever. goblan: She shouldn't have been standing there. I_dont_like_cheese: Unless they were playing in the kitchen boringOrgy: Someone had to do it. GRIMES_a_bad_BITCH: It takes a special individual to do that

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UndeadAnonymous: TIFU by joking about killing a yipping, annoying dog with a flintlock pistol without realizing that said dog's owners were RIGHT THERE Yeah, the whole family was standing by as my friend and I walked by and I said that if the dog didn't stop shrieking I would challenge it to a surprise duel and shoot it with a flintlock. It was awkward, to say the least. UndeadAnonymous: I don't have a flintlock, I simply said that I was going to surprise duel that dog with a flintlock. This is real, but the dog in question was not shot with the flintlock I do not have. Morpheus2868: Oh. Sorry for being skeptical, this justvseemed too far-fetched was all. UndeadAnonymous: No problem. It was legit, and spectacularly awkward.

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DoomAndSuch: TIFU and gave the neighbor's kid a phone full of naked pictures of me. It had been collecting dust in my drawer for a long time and he wanted it, so I just gave it to him without first thinking about all the pictures I had taken for my boyfriend on that phone. I guess I assumed that past me had been smart enough to immediately delete them. Past me was not. We got a call from his grandma. desp: Alright I'll bite, did you ever send those pics to your boyfriend? DoomAndSuch: Most of them...I'm the type to take tons of pictures and look for the perfect one :s MadeOfDust: Pics or ... never mind. burnsidelocal: I am pretty sure she is making this up, because no girl I know ever takes naked pictures of themselves on their cell phone, ever. :/ dude_4rm_gh: u dont know any girls burnsidelocal: My girl is too poor to a have a cell phone. U might have seen her on COPS before. highvoltageslacks: I think I might have seen this one. She's the one with the white guy with a cell phone and no tshirt, right? In the shitty teal, late 90's Mustang, right? burnsidelocal: Shes the one with shitty perm and the dirty wife beater. Yeah its a was a mustang but now it is several different shades of primer. We have several Pitt-bulls and a lot of relatives living on our couch, was this the episode you saw? highvoltageslacks: Yep, that's the one. That one pit had some mighty big balls, by the way. I was impressed.

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PointXIV: TIFU. I almost broke my super nice laptop. I was cleaning out my laptop for the first time, as it was getting pretty loud. So, I watched a few videos on how to dissasemble it. Everything was going peachy. Then I put it back together. The power didn't turn on. I spent hours working on it, pissing myself, trying to figure out what I did wrong. Turns out I had left two little parts not attached to the motherboard, where the power would run through. Oops. imaginemehere: TIAFU? PointXIV: Yeah. I was just super freaked out and I was tired so it was vent on random subreddit time. imaginemehere: Glad to hear everything's still ok! Count yourself lucky. PointXIV: Thank you! It was definitely a first world problem.

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[deleted]: TIFUpdate by letting swarms of fire ants into my new house. IT GOT WORSE. After not seeing any ants all day, I turn my fan on, get in bed and check my phone. My mattress is on the floor because that is the most efficient use of mine and my roommates' space. I start felling itchy and then I am getting bit. I point my phone downwards and MY BED IS FULL OF ANTS. I take my crap outside, tear apart my bed, and here I am sitting at my desk with all of the lights on at 6 AM. TL:DR FUCK ME [deleted]: You should keep updating and post some pictures. awai_kakesu: Most of my run-ins with tem have been in the dark, followed by me running around in terror, so no action shots for now :(. I will see what I can do. [deleted]: How large are they? If you live in Tennessee sometimes you'll see regular fire ants with a couple huge ass red and black furry ants. I like to call them bull ants. You can practically hear them rake their pinchers together. amychelle79: You talking about the ones as big as a fucking wasp? Yeah, them bitches. The little ones hurt more though. The tiny red ones will eat your ass up and you'll be begging for mercy for days. Edit: after some googling, they are in fact wasps and not ants and are called Velvet Ants. [TIL.](http://ferrebeekeeper.wordpress.com/2012/04/11/5048/) There isn't a good reference pic for size, but imagine this thing spanning the diameter of a dime or penny. [deleted]: "Female velvet ants are notable not just for their colorful fur but for their tremendously powerful sting which is so painful that they are nicknamed “cow killers.” From that site. amychelle79: Yeah, I read that too. I think my bad encounter with fire ants is overshadowing the cow killers and messing with my perspective. I still hate the tiny ones with all the burning passion of 1000 suns. [deleted]: Perhaps an explanation is in order. amychelle79: Not that big of a story. Stepped on a nest in tall grass while carrying a baby. Swarmed up my leg and in my shoe/sock and I could do nothing about it because of the baby in my arms. I wasn't hospitalized or anything as extreme as that. Just endured several minutes of attack my leg before I could get child to safety and worry about myself. The bites are extremely irritating and cause itchy sores. Not as bad as a bee or hornet, but worse than a mosquito. I've never encountered a swarm of velvets - only ever one or two at a time. Edit: Wiki says about fire ants "For humans, this is a painful sting, a sensation similar to what one feels when burned by fire—hence the name fire ant—and the after effects of the sting can be deadly to sensitive individuals."

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CrowCrowBro: TIFU missing a good job opportunity by not reading the email inviting me to an interview thouroughly enough. So a week ago, I recieved an email to an application that I sent 2 weeks prior to that. It was an internet marketing firm, looking for multi-lingual students for research and translation purposes. Since I've already done something similiar during an internship in france I felt like I was just the man for this job. When I recieved the mail I was pretty happy that they were considering me and all I read was "Hi. Interview. At So and So from 10 to 14 hours. Can you come?" Not literally, I replied with HELLS YEAH, and was looking forward to it until today. I had to miss one class for it but that was fine. I just had to appear at any time between these 4 hours, RIGHT? Well wrong but I get to that later. I was making myself ready, feeling like the handsome dude in ZZTop's Sharp Dressed Man, and everything was alright. Until I loaded up the email again to confirm time and location. I actually read it in its entirety for the first time and suddenly words appeared, that my brain had somehow omitted for troll reasons I presume. It actually sad "This is a selection day. You have to be there FOR THE ENTIRE TIME PERIOD" Fuck me. This wasn't an interview, it propably was some sort of test they put a lot of people through to get to the ones they really want. Now its noon and I fucked up again. I'm trying to find solace in thinking that they propably wouldn't have taken me (My language skills are superb, my marketing skills undeveloped however). Then again, even though I've propably read the same email at least 5-8 times I really have never realised the existence of this last sentence. My brain only read what it wanted to read, not what I needed to read. Is it my ADHD? Nah propably not. jacqueofalltrades: Well what are you going to do about it? CrowCrowBro: Tell my troll brain to read better next time. jacqueofalltrades: Have you tried to communicate with them and ask for another interview? CrowCrowBro: Eh it might sound stupid, but I am pretty shy when it comes to these things. jacqueofalltrades: Understandable, but for a job it's no time to be shy. One of the few times you should suck it up.

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JustNotGivin: TIFU and trusted a fart while at work with no washroom around. Today, I just got to work, its early in the morning and I have just given a buddy a ride to work. When we got there, he started to check out the jobsite and what we would be doing, and I tried to slyly let a fart out. However, when I let the 'fart' out, it didn't pop. And I said to myself "Did I actually just shit my pants?" That's when I realized there is no washroom around as the house is locked (I'm a painter), and the owner is already at work. So I have to run into the bushes and do my best to wipe my ass with some leaves before my partner comes back. It was a shitty day, pun intended TL;DR: I got to work and shit my pants basically. ssoass7: At least the owner didn't bust you dumping out in the bushes. That would have been a fuckup and a half. JustNotGivin: oh, if that happened I would have died from emBAREASSment [deleted]: I love this pun. Best original pun I've seen in a while JustNotGivin: I was on a roll earlier 1dividedby0: So was your shit. neanderthalman: Leaves come on rolls now? Awesome. Soup_bones: Trusting a fart can be a crapshoot.

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ithurtslikefuck: TIFU by infecting a wound in my knee. First off, a little background information. This is a throwaway account to describe something I did for a girl I am crazy about. When she's on my mind, my IQ drops to about five, leading me to do some dumb things. This is by far the worst. I scraped my knee by accident, and tried to make it scar for the way it would look. It all started on a longboard. I fell, as I usually do, because I am unfamiliar with the concept of balance that many of you speak of. This wouldn't have been so bad, had I not landed in front of a neighborhood home that was having new siding attached. a large nail, of the type used in nailguns, dug into my knee creating a deep gash about a two inches long and a quarter inch wide, starting towards the bottom of my kneecap and running to the top of my shin (I'm pretty tall, so it fits in that space). I cleaned the wound, treated it with H2O2, and washed it repeatedly to prevent an infection, and went about my business. Later, I checked up on it to see if it had scabbed over normally and wasn't inflamed. Suddenly, I began thinking of the aforementioned female. Some part of my brain remembered her mention an attraction to scars a few weeks back. Without further thought, I pulled out my handy swiss army knife, and carved out the scab. I was careful enough not to cut into my skin (or the flesh under the wound, for that matter), but it was still painful, and I regret it wholeheartedly. I did my best to ignore the pain, and I continued my daily business as usual. Later, I began getting hot, and my entire left leg was in extreme pain. I glanced at my knee, and Was horrified with what I saw. My kneecap was swollen to an impossible size, and it was oozing fluids of unspeakable composition. I couldn't move my leg without crying out. I removed my shirt, stuffed it between my teeth to keep from screaming, and shuffled to the bathroom to correct my mistake. I stood in the shower in agony for the better part of an hour, trying to clean out the last of the infection. I looked back on the moment where I cut the scab away and thought, *what in the fuck was I thinking? [Name ommitted] wouldn't be attracted to this.* The gash is healing just fine now, but I can't get over the fact that I did something so stupid and self-destructive to please somebody else. **TL;DR:** I cut myself and and almost got sick to please a kinky chick. Watchman304: **TL;DR**: you stabbed yourself in the leg for "that special someone." ithurtslikefuck: More or less, yes. BeerPowered: Might be not worth it. I have made an awesome arrow-shaped scar on my calf when I fell off of a motorbike. First ones to notice were other guys. I mean like duuuude that's awesome bro! It was in fact an awesome scar, from further away it looked pretty much like a tatoo. It's still visible, but not as clearly anymore. Then some girl remembered how I fell and asked me if my leg is alright. I showed her the scar. Then my other awesome scars. In fact I got so many of them, and am proud of them so much, that girls immediately think I'm crazy and a bit mentally challenged. That girl was no exception. I wasn't even atracted to her, but it still made me sad. So girls thinks scars are hot, but guys having and shoving them are retarded. Or something like that. ithurtslikefuck: I don't show off my scars, because almost all of them are from my inability to stand vertically for prolonged periods of time. The only one from a serious injury is on the bottom of my foot, and it doesn't even have a cool story. This one on my knee is just visible when I'm in shorts. BeerPowered: I'm curious about the inability to stand vertically. Is this cause by middle ear problems? Were you born like that or is it because of some illness/injury? I hope this isn't bothering you, as people who fall down for no reason are genuinely interesting. ithurtslikefuck: No it doesn't bother me at all. I'm just really coordinated with my hands, but nothing else. I've been checked by a doctor, and my inner ear is fine. I exaggerated a bit for the post, but my balance is easily thrown. BeerPowered: Maybe your feet are just small? Small contact area = difficult to balance. ithurtslikefuck: The problem stems from the opposite. I have really big feet, and they get in my way [alot](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_D_Z-D2tzi14/S8TRIo4br3I/AAAAAAAACv4/Zh7_GcMlRKo/s400/ALOT.png). BeerPowered: Just try to practice walking more. One day you won't need to suffer the pain of falling down. That day is closer than you think, if you start today!

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mcmurder: TIFU: Took the dog for some exercise, broke my arm, a toe and a thumb, and separated a shoulder. This actually happened on May 30th but since I just found this subreddit, here goes. I would often head over to the local school track to get my dog some exercise. I would be on my bike, and have a retractable leash in my hand. Dog and I would do 2 or 3 miles at around 20-25 mph. I would only do this while no one else was at the track, and always told myself I would let go of the leash if I got in trouble. This time, my dog gets distracted by another dog, jerks to the right at ~20mph, too fast for me to let go of the handlebars. Turning hard right at 20mph is a bad idea, so I flew into the ground, breaking my left arm, right thumb, left pinky toe, and separating my left shoulder (a separated shoulder is much worse, and different, than a dislocated one.) 4 screws, 3 surgeries, a metal plate and lots of time off of work, and here I am. Luckily someone else was at the track, else I would have been fucked - couldn't walk or get up, and I didn't have my phone with me. [deleted]: That sucks man, hopefully your dog learned it's lesson and no longer runs after other dogs. mcmurder: The sad thing is that my friends said they would have beat / kicked / 'disciplined' my dog, had it been them, when it was clearly my own dumb fault. Michi_THE_Awesome: I say both. It was your own stupid fault since your dog isn't trained enough to not go after another dog. Now you know. Your dog is a jerk and you put to much faith into something so faulty. Just walk your dog then ride your bike.

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ClausoZ: TIFU by keeping dog shit on the floor for a week straight, when I forgot to clean it up. My sister stepped into it. Lethr4life: Umm maybe this is a dumb question but...why in the hell would you keep dogshit on the floor for a week? ClausoZ: I forgot to clean it. [deleted]: for a WEEK? ClausoZ: It was pretty hard to see... I anyway never thought someone would comment on this [deleted]: just asking because i totally pictured a hoarders type situation ClausoZ: HOARDERS!?! God, I'm organized. I only have one dog, and she's cute.

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kllyforman: TIFU: Had a near-death experience involving an incredibly steep hill (photo included) I was going down [this hill](http://imgur.com/DaomS) to walk the beach with friends on a camping trip, and while going down it, I leaned too far forward and started running, unable to stop, down the hill until I completely lost my footing and somersaulted, hands out, nearly fifty feet. A friend watching from the beach saw it and was astonished I didn't break anything, saying it was the scariest thing he'd ever seen in his life. My entire body is bruised, though, and I have deep scrapes that cause me to resemble an abuse victim. My friends have named this beautiful place "[kllyforman] Falls."This should be great to explain at work tomorrow... A little extra: This same weekend, I lost my phone in the sand at the beach and dropped a contact and was unable to find it, so I walked around the remainder of the weekend half-blind. sativaB: I want to downvote because the title made me think I'd see your injuries - far more interesting than the stupid beautiful slope you fucking somersaulted down. asshole kllyforman: [This is the best photo I have.](http://imgur.com/RilHx) You can't really tell, but I had a huge gash along this arm, and then lots of cuts up and down both my arms and legs. I also had a gash along my side, and scratches, some deeper than others, all down my back. Luckily, I didn't scratch up my face at all. So I'm not an asshole, right? I did my best :) It wasn't really something I particularly look back on and reminisce. sativaB: Haha tbh that's the first thing I worry about, my money maker face. I was just playing about the name calling, and this'll do forman, this'll do.

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strappingyoungpeople: TIFU Got caught having a devil's threesome in the living room. Roommate hasn't spoken to me since. [deleted]: Did you get a good Eiffel tower in? strappingyoungpeople: No. [deleted]: bummer..

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[deleted]: TIFU by nearly crashing my car, causing my little sister's friend to pop her cherry in the back seat. So I received a call from my sister to pick her up from band practice, when she asked if I was able to pick up her 16 year old friend and her dad and bring them home, as their car would not start. They lived close by so I say 'sure why not' and picked them off and began driving to their place. We were going around a blind turn when a deer appeared, causing my to hit the brakes and go off the road to avoid the deer. Well apparently I turned rather quickly to avoid the deer that my sister's 16 year old friend slid across the back seat, and onto the edge of my football in some odd angle to the point where she popped her cherry. She made a loud moan in the back seat, causing her father to turn his head to see what occurred in the back seat. He then looks at me and says 'Boy, you better be hoping that I don't see you again." Turns out they were a very religious family that went on Missions throughout the world spreading the word of the Lord, and my driving deflowered their 16 year old daughter. TL;DR: Deer, Car Swerve, Football, Touchdown [deleted]: I'd have hit the deer and had free venison steaks for a few months. Carnephex: Trust me dude, when you burst a deer like that, the meat gets tainted. [deleted]: You tried it? Carnephex: No, when you kill things to eat them, you quickly learn that when certain delicate organs burst, bile and intestinal gunk make meat inedible. [deleted]: You mean like the gall bladder and colon and such? Carnephex: Yep. Gall bladder especially, along with several smaller glands around the anus and most dangerously, the stomach. The acid will begin to putrify the meat way too fast, which is why you go for a lung hit when shooting a deer. [deleted]: Fair enough, that actually makes a lot of sense, thank you.

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[deleted]: TIFU by calling the IT guy "Jeeves". I've been calling him that for 6 months. Turns out his name is "Jevens" Sorry, IT guy. fawkesmulder: Keep calling him Jeeves. Badass nickname. DoctorKeefe: Yeah. He could just say it's a nickname. OP, call other people funny names in front of the IT-guy so he knows you are some weird joker nashgasm: or just apologize, and then say something like 'well, do you mind if i keep calling you jeeves? cause i think its a pretty badass nickname, especially for a badass IT guy.'

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wintertash: TIFU Took Pictures of Fake Butterflies I'm at a retreat center in Maryland for the big summer festival my company runs, starts on Wed. In addition to teaching at it and being the director of special events, I'm also going to be one of the event photographers, so I have my camera equipement with me. Believe it or not, it gets old taking pictures of people fucking (the company runs sex & BDSM events), so I was super excited when I saw some butterflies in a tree on my way to a meeting tonight. After the meeting I got my camera and *very carefully* approached the tree and proceeded to take a bunch of really lovely pictures of the butterfies just lit by the porch lights. Only when I decided to try getting really close did I realize that they were fake and held to the tree with wire. It's probably a sign of how stressed I've been lately that I quite literally began to cry. So now I'm up later than I should be (it's 3:20am here) because I was taking my time framing and exposing what would be killer pictures if they were of *real* butterflies, but with the fake ones just feel kinda tragic. TL;DR Stayed up late to take pictures of fake butterflies two days before a big sex event. thebornotaku: Pictures of the sex? mattmoin117: for science? thebornotaku: always for science mattmoin117: /internet highfive FairlyLargeLineman: Kinky sex pictures for science! mattmoin117: hell. yeah.

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moonbutton: TIFU camping. I spend a lot of time out in the wilderness, and this weekend was no different. My friends and I were chilling when I went to go take a piss. Now, I’m a girl so I tend to go out a bit compared to the boys, and as I settling my business I caught the attention of a wild pig. Our eyes met as my piss dribbled onto my shoes. Something in my soul must have seriously disturbed that pig, because it began to act threatening. Every movie I have ever seen with a wild pig flashed before my eyes, and this pig looked pissed. Oh, was I pissing? I forgot about that, and it was something I would regret when I jumped to my feet and began to run away with a pig in pursuit… And my shorts wrapped around my ankles. I made it out of the bush and into the campground before I fell face first and my ass in the air. Oh, my friends laughed at first… until they saw the wild pig. And this is when all hell broke loose. The pig, seeing that I was weakened by my state of urine-soaked undress, diverted their attention towards my friends. It began running through the camp, tearing through our tents, and causing a general ruckus. I struggled to get myself set right, but I was having trouble. The pig must have caught wind of my attempts to survive its rampage, because it refocused its attention back on me. My friend, bless him, saw that I was a target and ran forward to whisk me away… Nevermind it was upside down with my butt in the air. He really did not get very far when the pig bowled him over. But we were saved by the quick thinking of my friend who… Poured all of our fucking cooled water on the pig. The pig, disturbed by being soaked, finally did run off, leaviing the camp a mess, me and my gallant rescuer smelling like piss, and… oh yeah. Somehow in the scuffle all of our communications were either destroyed, soaked, or lost. Our cooled water was on the ground, and many of our water bottles had suffered damage. This meant we needed to high-tail it out of there since it was fucking hot, and this is fucking California, and all we have is alcohol and a bit of water between us with no way to make contact. So we leave, but guess what? It was a female pig part of a group, and we had unintentionally walked into the area, and as we were leaving we came across the entire group and their piglets. I mean like 20 pigs. 20+ to three! We made a mad dash through the wilderness. Could these cute piggies kill us? We didn't want to find out. And we did not pay attention to where we were going. We ended up lost for two hours before we found a road, and when we got back to town. This was entirely my fault. I picked the camp area and I was a bit too drunk when I went off to take a piss, that I really didn't pay attention to where I was going. All said and done, I'm not allowed to pick the next camping spot. **TL;DR: Picked the worst camping spot. Went to pee in the bush and was chased by a pig that destroyed our camp. When we left, we were chased by the entire herd, and got lost for a few hours.** Donkitphp: TL;DR misssavageone: TL;DR - Drunk girl goes to take piss in woods. Runs into pissed off wild pig. Pig chases her to the campsite. Pig destroys campsite. Piss covered chaos ensues. Campers decide to leave due to damages done. Get lost for 2 hours before making it home. Donkitphp: Bacampissocolypse? misssavageone: Yes!

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[deleted]: TIFU and most likely ruined my friendship with one of my best friends by calling him friendless I blame shark week. And myself. First off, I get supremely hurt by random little jibes. Things like playing hide and seek with people that will leave you in some musty closet. I still have some major trust issues from a difficult part of my childhood. Anyways, in this case, the teasing went overboard, and I was almost in tears. My friends just weren't taking the hint. Finally they stopped, but a while later my blood was still boiling, I was pissed (Again, I blame shark week for my overreactivity). Somewhere in the conversation, he mentioned (jokingly) that people might avoid our group because of a weirdo like himself following them around. I replied "Yeah, that's why you have no friends." And I said something like that AGAIN later. I could tell it hit him hard. Many lengthy apology texts later, with no reply, I am beginning to think our friendship is ruined. All because of my bitchy vengefulness. He looks more depressed than I have ever seen him and I know I really crossed the line. I don't know WTF is wrong with me. I love him like a brother and reddit, boy did I fuck up this time... TL;DR- Best friend ticked me off and I said he had no friends in retaliation. Ruined a friendship, the trip I was on with my friends, and depressed him more than I knew was possible. dreamfall: I know it hurts, but if he's the kind of person who thinks it's okay to tease you hurtfully then I don't think you reacted all that unreasonably. You both said things you shouldn't have, and good on you for taking the initiative to apologize. That said: If he ends a friendship over this, then perhaps you are better off. Good friends may feel hurt and angry and take a couple days away from the situation but in the end, they come back and talk it out. If/when he does talk to you about it, it's good to reiterate how bad you felt for hurting him, but it might be also a good time to let him know that you are sensitive to that sort of teasing, and it hurts you deeply. Your friendship might end up stronger and more sincere. [deleted]: Thank you, this really helps... He really is a good person though, few of my friends know about how sensitive I am to that kind of teasing. Hopefully everything will be okay in time.... dreamfall: I hope so too. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you! /internet hug.

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[deleted]: TIFU; Unleashed my 2 year old German shepherd to scare away neighbors cat, cat got obliterated. [TIFUpdate](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/vbt0b/tifupdate_my_2_year_old_german_shepard_attacked/) *back ground info* My neighbors have this asshole cat. It must be at least 12 years old and we've had several issues before with their cat attacking ours. We recently got a German Shepard (2 years old, his name is JoJo) from the animal shelter. Now JoJo gets along with our cat just fine, so I had no reason to think that he would go all out Cujo on the neighbors feline. **So this is what happened.** I let the cat out when I woke up because she was crying at the door. As soon as I did, the neighbors asshole cat came flying out of the shrubs and began swiping at her. Being sick and tired of this little fucker assaulting my cat, I yelled "JoJo! Get that little fucker!" and he flew out the door. This is where shit gets graphic. JoJo grabbed the neighbors long haired cat by its fragile little neck and started shaking it back and fourth violently. Fur was everywhere, but he wasn't done. He began throwing the cat into the air, waiting for it to land, then picking it up and throwing it again. All the while I just stood stunned not knowing what to do. I called out to the dog to come but he was having to much fun. So, I ran over and grabbed him by the collar and yanked what was left of the cat out of his mouth. My backyard is surrounded by a 8 foot tall hedge so I knew no one had seen the murder. I put the dog in the house, checked to make sure my cat was ok (only a few minor scratches) , then proceeded to dig an unmarked grave for the remains of the neighbors cat. I feel awful about the whole thing, but I'm afraid if I tell them what happened I'll have to get rid of my dog. As of right now they have no idea, but I'm sure questions will be asked. I guess it's just a waiting game now. Edit: **TL;DR** - Sent dog to scare away neighbors cat, dog turned cat into confetti. Edit: **For clarification** I am a cat lover, I have a cat and would be very upset if the roles were reversed and it was my cat that was destroyed. *However*, I will not risk having my dog put down over someone else's carelessness. I have warned them several times to keep the cat off of my property and time and time again it would wander back. Once a month *at least* my cat would be attacked by it and it was getting frustrating. When I yelled "JoJo! Get that little fucker!" it was out of pure frustration. I do not have my dog trained to kill cats, and I suspect the only reason he did so was because he saw the neighbors cat was clawing the shit out of my cat. The bottom line is I don't know what my dog thinks and I *do not* believe the incident will be repeated. My mother has cats and I have brought my dog over several times, if anything he's more scared of them then they are of him. I feel bad about the whole thing but it's over now. The cat has a permanent resting place just beyond the treeline in my backyard and I can almost guarantee they won't even notice it's gone. teroic: Is it bad I laughed at this more than I should have? TraneingIn: Cat deserved it TheManCarpCometh: The cat was a total dick but I still feel bad. I'm kind of an animal lover but I'm not exactly upset that I don't have to worry about my cat coming back all beat to shit anymore. coffeeisforwimps: Friend of my dad's had a German Sheppard that he kept on a tether in his unfenced backyard so it could run back and forth. Neighbors had a little shit of a dog that knew where the end of the tether was and would tease the German Sheppard. As you guessed, my dad's friend added a few feet to the tether one day and VOILA, the German Sheppard was no longer being bothered Edit: apparently you don't exclaim "stringed musical instruments" when something magical happens Telekineticism: Think you meant voila, friend. Violas are stringed musical instruments. just_this_thrice: Nah, Viola was obviously the German Shepherd. SpermWhale: No, viola is short for "violate". Sentence use: "i will viola your ass someday". Violadude: this gives a whole new meaning to my username :S ShivaNZ: Eternal Sonata? Viola was a great fighter and healer.

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bemusedButterfly: TIFU and lost my husband's $400+ paycheck. I went to go deposit it into our checking account but forgot that the bank closed at 4. So I got in the car and now I have NO idea where his check is. I've looked in the car, our house, my pants, his pants, and even his mom's house, and I still can't find it. PhotoshopMogul: *You looked in his pants* bemusedButterfly: Was it while he was wearing them? *The world may never know!* PhotoshopMogul: Tune in later for **THE PAY CHEQUE**

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[deleted]: TIFU by vomiting on a multimillion dollar piece of equipment. This morning, I had to do a barium swallowing procedure for an upper GI tract exam (I have bad acid reflux). Basically, they make you swallow a fluid that shows up in your guts on an xray so they can tract your digestive process. Well, it's pretty much like drinking a thick cup of old whole milk mixed with glue or cement, and to top it all off, you have to be laying on your back in this big machine while drinking it. I wasn't expecting it to be so foul, so lo and behold, after the first few gulps, I gagged and vomited spectacularly all over the monitor next to the machine. The radiology techs flipped out and immediately tried cleaning, but the machine short circuited. It was disgusting. Anyway, they told me to leave and they'd call me back in in a few days. [deleted]: If they make you drink some fucked up shit sauce while on your back and they moan if you puke... They deserve it. anamericandude: How dare they try and find out what's wrong with you. Assholes. [deleted]: Yeah but to moan when he pukes is unfair. anamericandude: Meh, as much as they expect it, it's still gotta be a pain in the ass to clean up.

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DerpinaBumbleT: TIFU; And quit my job on a whim. Seriously I am an idiot. I had a pretty cool job, I loved my profession in every way except for one thing. My boss and my manager. See I worked for a pretty small business (only 4 employees total) and everyday it was just myself, my boss and the manager working together. And my boss and the manager HATE each other. Of course leaving me in the middle. All day it was constant trash talking behind each others backs. Then it escalated. I made the mistake of one day asking my boss, "Well if you hate 'Manager' so much, why don't you just fire her?" and he responded he pays her way to much money and he couldn't afford to pay her unemployment if he fired her. He then said he was basically making it unbearable at work to force her to quit. I was stunned, after all that seems like a very immature way to run a business but I just kind of shrugged it off. I needed the paycheck. After about three months of this drama between them, and myself being placed in the middle I got a phone call one night. It was from my Manager. She was screaming and crying and claiming I was there to take her job. She was a crazy woman. I eventually calmed her down and told her I wasn't interested in her job but the damage was done. I realized I was right in the middle of some straight up high school drama. It was horribly stressful. It was also about this time that I started to throw up every morning before work. When I'm super stressed I throw up. The only other time this has happened to me is when my mother died, so it is a reaction to extreme stress. But I kept on going. I needed the money. I have a son who needs things. I can do this, right? Then about three weeks ago my boss got himself a job. Which meant at the store I suddenly had his job to do as well as mine. I was never told of this before hand, I literally walked in on Monday and was surprised. I also didn't get a pay raise for all the extra work. But I did it, I thought for sure he'd see how much I was giving to the company and be rewarded. That Friday was the first paycheck I didn't get. He simply said he was really busy at his new job and he'd pay me next week. He also during this time would call me on my days off and demand I go in to handle something on a seconds notice. When you have a child this can be hard to do during the summer. I did it though. Then came payday and I had no check again. I was angry and running low on funds. When I asked him he said he would do it asap. By the time the third Friday in a row came along and I still had no check, and was working like a mad man I was really upset. I was suppose to be up for work at 7am. My boss called me at 6am and said it was urgent I get to work right then. I said "listen, im not coming in if you don't pay me. You own me 3 weeks of pay, I'm not helping you anymore for free." and he said "I'll get your check as soon as I can, but I really need you to go in now." I responded with a quick no, and he said "OK well then don't bother coming in, I'll call you if I need you again". And that was it. He stopped answering my calls, and when I spoke to the manager she told me my boss had informed her I had just randomly quit. Um, I didn't quit I just wanted to get paid. Now I am without a job, without the pay that is owed to me and have rent to pay in 11 days. My husband hates me. He screamed at me last night for being so stupid. This is the first time he has ever yelled at me. I know it is out of frustration, I mean he knows I cant work for free but he feels my flat out refusal to work without a check has really hurt our future. There is no way we can survive off his sad salary alone. My son is upset because I had to cancel our camping trip. We can't afford it. I feel like absolute shit. Guess I should get back to filling out applications, thanks for listening guys. callmestupid: That boss begged for a beat down. I can't believe you stayed as long without pay as you did. Go on your way and sue him for what he owes you plus anything else you can think of, duress, suffering, etc. Oh, and leave you husband in the dust, what a prick. Xvapor1zerX: Stupid... callmestupid: Thanks, I needed that. Xvapor1zerX: Hey, anytime...

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ettyguy: IFU I sold a facebook fan page with over 700k fans for $100. [deleted]: Why only $100? goblan: That's like all the money in the world when you convert it to 12 year old dollars.

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Wing126: TIFU Hard: Ruined my computer Reddit, today I fucked up in an inconceivable way. I completely bricked my laptop. I was getting a lot of problems with my laptop; Couldn't uninstall programs due to missing registry keys, Couldn't install programs due to missing registry keys, The latest update for my graphics driver made playing games literally impossible (I'd get an error saying that the display driver stopped responding and recovered or i'd get a blue-screen on certain games). Don't ask how I was getting registry problems because I don't have a clue (maybe some sort of virus, but my antivirus software was up-to-date, MSE btw). In general I was getting loads of problems that made it hard to use the computer. So I thought "Fuck it, i'll restore the drive and reinstall windows 7" So, as I was reinstalling windows, I clicked the format drive option which warned me that it would delete manufacturer programs and files, I thought "Can't be that bad, Windows will reinstall the drivers I need". It didn't. So now I can't use the wireless card on my laptop, I can't use the ethernet port on my laptop, I can't change the resolution of my laptop to it's default and I can't even install the drivers by copying them from the laptop I'm on now to a USB and extracting them (Windows is having trouble reading my USB). So, i've made my laptop unusable. I'll hopefully be able to send it back and get either a fresh wipe and install of all manufactured settings (I'm still within warranty, but I don't know if it covers these kind of errors, if not i'll lie, I need my laptop back badly) or a new laptop of the same model. THANKFULLY I had the foresight to back up my important files (like pictures, films, music, college work, etc.) but I didn't have the foresight to do a system backup. I know, I'm a complete jackass and I certainly feel like one. EDIT: Well after some time and a lot of replies from a couple of guys i've got the computer back up and running like day one. :D TL;DR: Laptop went bye-bye due to my retardedness. [deleted]: [Driver Pack Solution](http://drp.su/) - Automatically detects and installs missing drivers. Wing126: Does it need to connect to the wireless to get the drivers? Or can I just install that and let it do it's thing? [deleted]: on [this page](http://drp.su/download.htm) you will need to download the full version, the full version has all the drivers that will install offline. The lite version needs an internet connection as it downloads the drivers as required from the internet. It sounds like you should use the full version. Wing126: I might try that soon enough as a last resort before returning it. Thank you. :) [deleted]: also read this which I posted yesterday, it should keep you safe http://www.reddit.com/r/microsoft/comments/v959c/thinking_about_moving_back_to_microsoft/c52f83f Wing126: Will do, thanks again! :) [deleted]: that's cool thanks for the uptokes, hope it works :) Wing126: Thanks again and more uptokes for being an ent ;) [deleted]: fkn tell me if it works cause i'm stoned and I like to know the ending to these sorts of things or I will stay awake all night wondering if that dude got his computer working. It will be a thought that will always be in the back of my mind. Wing126: Will do man, hopefully it won't take too long!

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[deleted]: TIFU I accidently whacked my dog in the snout while opening a door. So my dog usually sleeps in my room during the summer because it's the coolest place the house. Anyways my dog was just laying in front of my door when I left my room to go to the bathroom. My bedroom door has a habit of shutting by itself when not put in a certain position. So after doing my bathroom business, I forgot my dog was sitting in front of the door and I swung my door open really fast and door slapped my dog right in the snout. So naturally he gave a out a little cry and ran away. Now I feel absolutely terrible and my dog probably hates and won't ever sleep in my room. I also have a soft spot for animals and I will most likely never forgive myself. TL;DR Accidently whacked my dog in the snout with my door and now I'm in deep regret. GravCat: Whenever that happens with my dog I feel like shit for the rest of the day and I give her a treat every hour/couple of hours. [deleted]: That's pretty much what all be doing all of tomorrow. There's just something hurting an animal that crushes me.

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[deleted]: TIFUpdate; My 2 year old German Shepard attacked my neighbors cat yesterday, this was the outcome. [Here](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/va1hh/tifu_unleashed_my_2_year_old_german_shepherd_to/) is the original post. I got a huge response from the reddit community regarding my dog attacking the neighbors cat, killing it, and my choice to dispose of the body as opposed to telling them risking getting my dog put down. From people who supported my decision to people who thought I deserve to burn in hell for it. I worked a long 12 hour work day yesterday and had plenty of time to read the comments and think. Yesterday when I got home from work at about 8ish I decided I had to tell my neighbors, regardless of the outcome, they deserved to know. I walked over and knocked on their door. Keep in mind me and my neighbors have never gotten along, we've had many altercations in the past, several of which involved the police. He opened the door and just glared at me. I began to explain why I was there. I explained what had happened in the morning, how sorry I was, how much I wished the outcome was different. I then went on to offer to buy them another cat (A weak sentiment I know, but I just wanted to help) to which he cut me off and said *"We already have enough cats."* I offered to bury the body on their property or to pay to have it cremated or whatever they wanted. He simply replied *"Who cremates a cat? Look, if you wanna dig the thing up and put it somewhere else, knock yourself out."* **He didn't care in the least!** I was shocked. I had been thinking about it all day. What was going to happen to me, my dog, etc. He was unaffected by the whole thing. This has made me feel no better at all. Knowing that the cat was a prick because nobody gave a fuck about it is heartbreaking. I told him that I was going to bury it deeper in the woods to avoid my dog digging it up and that if he ever wanted to know where it was to just come see me and I would gladly take him there. He was totally indifferent, just kinda shrugged it off. I said goodbye and set off to move the cats remains deep into the woods. Upon arriving back home my girlfriend was just getting home from work. I explained the situation to her and she was satisfied with the way I had dealt with it. My neighbors lack of caring for their pet broke my heart and made me feel 1000 times worse about the whole situation but at least now they know. I plan on contacting the Humane Society and the local Animal Shelter to have the well being of their other pets looked into. Hopefully they take care of their other pets better then they did that cat. Reddit, yesterday I fucked up. **Edit:** Well Reddit, you gave me your 2 cents and helped greatly in dealing with this situation. I've decided **not to contact an Agency** about the well being of my neighbors other pets as I have no hard evidence of ill-treatment and don't want to escalate the situation any further. It was interesting reading everyone's opinions and once again I thank you all for them. [deleted]: I think you did the right thing, even if it wasn't what some would call the smart thing. I'm surprised the guy didn't care because, why have pets if you don't give a shit about them? I wonder if this means he'll put out less food or what. Anyway, good for you, you handled the situation well, and took responsibility for it even though you weren't necessarily at fault. 11equals7: >why have pets if you don't give a shit about them? some families have pets because the kids want one, and their parents sometimes don't care about them or even dislike them. Reddit may not understand how someone can not love cats but apparently there's not only redditors in the world... [deleted]: i don't understand why anyone would do that to ANY animal, cats included! if you don't want a fucking pet don't just give in and give it to your kid if you're not willing to look after it, too. it just makes me so sad :( 11equals7: If you want to make your kid happy and teach that kid responsibility at the same time, why not get a pet, even if you yourself don't care that much for it? The kid's responsible, and the pet can go back to the shelter if it won't be taken care of. edit: downvotes, hurray! SpaaaceCore: It'll go back to the shelter and get cremated. If you're not willing to help, even if it's mainly to teach your child about responsibility, then don't get an animal. When your kid moves out of the house or buys an animal with their own money, then they will learn responsibility all by themselves. Don't give in to your kids unless you're willing to also take on some responsibility. 11equals7: >It'll go back to the shelter and get cremated. Or it can stay there in the first place and get cremated without even having had a chance somewhere. Sure, that's better. SpaaaceCore: No, both are fucking horrible and shouldn't happen, but alas. At least the animal doesn't have to know pure rejection. And can you imagine if a family did that before you? You're taking this poor living being and just bouncing it from place to place before killing it. Jesus christ, just don't adopt it in the first place. 11equals7: Don't tell me, I am very happy with my adopted cat and I imagine he is, too. [deleted]: then you should understand that it's not okay to just adopt because you can and someone's whiny ass spoiled brat wants some pet.

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[deleted]: TIFU at the gym. I'll preface this by admitting I have horrible taste in music. I was lifting last night at around 3 AM, all by myself. Rocking out my deadlifts and listening to "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" by Meatloaf, way too loud. Decided I had to sing along at the "GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT I CAN DO RIGHT NOW" part. I guess I was setting up for the lift when the group of four Asian women snuck in and got on the treadmills on the other side of the gym......... One of them was laughing so hard she almost fell off her treadmill. They all had to stop and do the whole "Asian girl" hand on face laugh. I managed to survive long enough to finish my set and they got a free ab workout. checksum420: Screw them, who cares what they think? You should have kept singing, that would have shown them! [deleted]: I usually DGAF, but there is something very emasculating about Asian women laughing at you. Ineeni: Just remember their future is nail salon tech and they deal with feet all day. Michi_THE_Awesome: Only if they are Vietnamese.

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WolfShirtsAreCool: TIFU: By dropping, stepping on, and potentially running over my iPhone while visiting the Rocky Mountains. But hey, at least [I found it, right?](http://i.imgur.com/5AYNK.jpg) [deleted]: Have you tried turning it off then back on again? WolfShirtsAreCool: I tried that technique, I am of course referring to the one you have described above, and surprisingly the problem was not resolved. Am I doing something incorrectly? Please expand. [deleted]: Make sure you keep it powered off for at least 30 seconds.

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PilotTheCannibal: TIFU by passing out in the DMV. It was really hot and I had not drunk very much, but I was planning to drink some water as soon as I got home. However, after standing in line for about 15 minutes, I started to feel a little bit dizzy. I turned around to go to the bathroom to splash water on my face or something and then everything kind of went blurry and then it went totally black. I woke up to a group of four or five people crowded around me and staring at me. None of them offered to help me, until I started shouting at the help desk, at which point the lady there called an ambulance. I still have to go back to renew my license. greengamez: Even when someone is possibly dying DMV employees refuse to assist people. gifforc: Can we think about life from the POV of a DMV employee for a moment? When you work in retail or for any type of company, you have a certain type of clientele. When you work at the DMV you deal with everybody. Everybody and their fucking CAR shit. People get fucking RILED about their cars because now days we all commute 30 - 40 minutes a day. Without a car we're fucked. And very often, these people have no clue what type of paperwork they'll need to get that handled. I myself often forget at least one thing causing the poor DMV ladies to have to call the assessor or some other office in the tangled mess that is state government. So day to day dealing with people who don't know a damn thing about the thing their very livelihood depends on. Who just want to say "here, get this shit ready for me so I can continue my life. let me inconvenience you so that you can fucking get me back on track. and even though I came completely unprepared, now that I've waited in line and have put this off so long I need my car tagged RIGHT FUCKING NOW, I'm not going to leave you alone until you've obliged me or I've ruined your fucking day." That is some draining shit right there. So they put their guard up. They become hardened. Because right when you think a little old lady is going to make your day wonderful, you find out she hasn't assessed her property in 20 GD years. Why do I identify so much with the DMV employees? Because I work in IT. Change a few words around and you got my job. People with little to no concern for the trouble YOU'RE going to have to go through to get THEIR equipment going RIGHT THEN and no desire to LEARN what to do to expedite the process. You fucking show some respect to your DMV employees. Give them a fucking pie. greengamez: apparently someone is a dmv employee gifforc: ....apparently someone can't read? greengamez: no, i read it. im sorry you chose to work at the dmv. i work in the pizza business and when people order not knowing what the hell they want or what any of the specials are, i dont get upset and put my guard up. i act like a normal human being and respect the customer. i do respect my dmv employees. gifforc: I'm sorry you can't read. But I never worked at the DMV. greengamez: Well you never explicitly stated that. You said you work in "IT." I took that as you working at the DMV. It was vague. You have no idea how I have treated my DMV employees, I've always been respectful and had my proper paperwork ready for them. So no need to burn me at the stake man. I know my analogie(earlier comment) is apples to oranges, but it still applies. I know there are shitty people in the world, but it doesn't give people who work at the DMV the right to dismiss them. Do you work at the DOT or something?

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[deleted]: TIFU and went full blown batpoo stalker on lover/best-friend I had gotten intimate with a best friend and wanted to date, she didn't because she had just gotten out of a bad relationship. This depressed me, (I thought if I was just better she'd want too) and I started to always think she was lying when she said she loved me or that she cared. One night I was up at an ungodly hour and sleep deprived, and thought it was a wonderful idea to send her 15+ texts saying exactly how much I thought she was replacing me with other friends, and ignoring me (she had been ignoring me and stepping up friendships with others). She got mad because it echoed her crazy abusive ex. So she ignored me like she always does when mad. This easily recognizable habit of hers was the spark I needed to realize who I was becoming and what I was doing to her. Apologized profusely and sincerely and tried my hardest to get in contact and talk things out. She still ignored me. Saw on her Facebook update that she was in a relationship with some random guy she had hardly known and was crushed. Decided in a fit of unparalleled stupidity to go see her in person. She wasn't home so I stood outside of an empty house 3+ hours, and sent 20+ texts and 10+ calls. In the end she broke trust (It's been an unspoken rule that what we say with each other goes no further AT ALL) and told her new friends how crazy I'd been asking them to make me go away. In the end I was so hurt I just decided f### her. Went home yelled at the walls. **tl;dr** Went crazy and stalker on best friend/lover over little problem. Tried to fix it, and ended up being even crazier. EDIT: In no way am I suggesting or saying what I did was normal, healthy, mature, deserved, responsible, or appropriate in any way. I know that this behavior is borderline psychotic and very deplorable. I'm not looking to be told "it's ok" this was a way for me to tell someone how much of a total flaming hygiene instrument I had been (normally I'd tell aforementioned best friend). CBod: You should see a mental health professional. Your behavior is harmful to yourself and others. boredfruit: This isn't really normal behavior for me. I honestly think it was just a period of being REALLY stupid and inconsiderate. CBod: I'm not saying that it is normal but talking to a professional about the situation and what caused this behavior can't hurt. boredfruit: I'll think about it. It does sound logical, however it wouldn't be an easy thing getting help, and shrinks have been hit/miss with me. (unrelated issues) [deleted]: don't bother seeking help, continue to live your life the way you want to so you can share good stories with young adolescents so they won't be socially retarded like you

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pirtzmcghee: TIFU by busting my chin up with my Mac Today, I was doing my normal night routine of redditing and surfing the web while laying down on my bed. I decided to shift my legs a little, as my computer was a little hot. All of the sudden my computer decides to come at my face full force and hits my chin. It hurt a little, but I didn't realize the damage until I touched my face and my fingers looked like they were doused in blood. Checked in the mirror and sure enough, my chin was busted up. SO today I fucked up by thinking a Mac could not actually do damage if it hit a face. A special thanks to my stupidity and Steve Jobs. aprofondir: 1st rule of Apple users: NEVER mention your device by its accepted name, instead always mention it by it's brand name, don't ever say ''my phone'', ''my laptop'', always say, ''my iPhone'' and ''my MacBook''. Let those fuckers know you're rich. [deleted]: And don't have a clue how to use a computer. workin2hard: You'd be amazed just how many people that really do know their shit with computers are migrating to Macs - and the ones I see doing it the fastest are the smartest people around - the best engineers in the dept, etc. [deleted]: Oh I know plenty of people who use Macs and are great with computers - however, the ones who do are not usually the ones who show it off. To them, it's a tool just like a regular pc is to the rest of us engineer(s)/(ing students). The people who brag about how great they are are usually the ones who don't have a clue about how OSs and software/hardware works, and so make claims based off of a one-sided or heavily weighted bias. I apologize for not being clearer before, I figured most people would understand what I was getting at. It's been a tough week, maybe reddit will forgive me? aprofondir: That's what I wanted to say.

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Waabanang: TIFU; Threw my house keys in the trash. So earlier today I was emptying my pockets of some garbage because for some reason I shove trash in my pockets all the time. When threw a handful of old receipts, wrappers, etc in the trash I heard a clunk, but I figured it was just a quarter that ended up in there (I did consider going after it, but didn't). Flash forward to like five minutes ago when I discovered that it was in fact my house key. A couple of points that make it even shittier: *I'm 18 and living independently for a month to do a summer class *The house is rented and the owner is in Greece *There is no spare key *I'm already kind of scared in the creaky house I did get back in without breaking a window so I guess the good news is that I learned how to break into this house. Maverick21703: Call a locksmith and have them make you a new key. Anything silly you can do, someone has probably already done and there exists a service to help fix it. Don't feel too bad. Waabanang: Can I do that without a key? lightLemon: Yes. I believe it goes as this: You call the locksmith and say you believe your key is inside, and for him to open the door. Once inside, get the key and bring it up to the lock and prove to him that your key does infact open the lock. And hence, the apartment owner/resident. Pay him, and be on your way :) Waabanang: I don't have a key though. I had to break in. If I had a key I likely wouldn't be concerned. workin2hard: They can either re-key the place, or they can make a matching key - even without the existing key. There may be some burden in convincing him you live there, but you should have *something* that associates you with the place.

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bubbabloke: TIFU: Saw a customer limping today, offered to carry his heavy item to the car, saying "Don't worry, I injured my ankle 2 days ago, I know how you feel". He responds "I had a stroke a few weeks back and can't use my left side of my body". I only really noticed the limp, nothing else, and luckily he took it well. I, on the other hand, felt terrible. brown_felt_hat: Not a fuckup. Like, at all. (A) You had no way of knowing. (B) You didn't actually do anything. (C) *You had no way of knowing* NominallySafeForWork: (D) You were nice enough to offer to help him.

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[deleted]: TIFU. I killed a cat with my car and oh god, does it get worse. The night slowly turns from horrible, to unbelievable, to a pure nightmare. (NSFW Death,sadness, slight gore) I would like to begin by saying that is 100% true. I wouldn't shit you Reddit. This story keeps piling on the horrible and it may be hard to believe, but I promise this happened. I wish it hadn't. I apologize for any spelling or grammar mistakes. I am open to answering any questions. It all began the night of a dance at out school, I was heading over to a friends house where I would get ready and then proceed to the dance. No, it wasn't homecoming or prom, it was more of a hip fund-raiser dance club Dance. We are in the truck driving through our neighbourhood and we pass by a parked car. A cat is hiding behind a tire on the side closest to us, on the further end of the car. It runs in a diagonal path, in front of our left side front tire, through the center and is is hit by our back right tire. It is hard to explain without a drawing, but that detail isn't that important. The cat ran in such a way that I couldn't see it is the important part. This creates a loud thud, and I get out to examine what exactly I had hit. Assuming it was nothing, I'm not in the biggest rush. I get out of the truck, turn around and slowly walk towards what I can now recognize as a very bloody cat. I assumed it died on impact. I felt awful, and I had no idea what to do. Upon further notice, I discovered that this cat had no collar on. I'm not the kind of horrible person who would just leave a dead kitty. I have to do something gut-wrenchingly horrible... I go, from door to door, asking if they own a brown tabby cat. This is one of the most horrible things a person will ever have to do. EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. didn't walk out and see if they knew the cat, they began crying and ran inside to check if their cat was alright. This is reddit, you know cats. Whenever you need to find them, they are Fucking gone. I went to about eight houses, and watched person after person cry and run to find their cat. Not one of those people knew whose cat it was. I crossed the street to ask more houses, I had a sigh of relief as I found a collar feet away from the cat. I didn't take time to figure out the physics, but that collar flung many yards. This moment is bitter sweet... Going door to door is horrible, but there is still a chance that it isn't their cat. I held in my hand the number of the person whose cat I had just killed. I pulled out my phone, walked over to the cat and stood there looking down at him. This is when an absolute nightmare happened. The cat, began having a very violent seizure. I just stood in disbelief, and watched as this cat had a horrible episode. I am CPR certified, but I have no idea what to do for a cat. I just stood and watched, horribly cringed over in pure sadness for I could not help this animal. it lasted for a minute or so, and the cat finally passed. The whole time I was checking houses, the cat was alive. There was nothing I could have done, and I am still unsure if I should have checked for a pulse even though the cat was covered in blood. I looked down at the collar... I had to call... Something occurred to me... I knew a person that had a cat that went by the same name. I shook those thoughts out, they owned an indoor cat! I made the call. A woman that I didn't recognize answered the phone. ...You never really think what you would say in a position like this... All I could manage to say was "I am horribly sorry to tell you that your cat has passed near the corner of blank and blank. I'll be here waiting for you to arrive." Minutes passed. I tried to shake the thought of the cat out even though I couldn't. I see a college age boy sprint down the street, and kneel down by the cat. A girl about the same age sprinted down and knelt beside him. They both were stunned, held hands and cried. He kept comforting her, she did the same, while they sat and wished the cat goodbye. Down the street Durring this, I see a grown man and a high school aged boy. He approaches and stared looking very shaken. The teenage boy was the older brother of my very good friend. He sat down in disbelief, and this is when I realized, he had two older brothers... The one knelt down was the one I never met and the girl was his soon to be wife. The eldest brother and this woman had purchased this cat as a symbol of their relationship. This cat had been with them for years and was very important to both of them. I couldn't describe how sad I felt. After an hour or so of watching them say goodbye, they both stood up and shook my hand. He thanked me for staying, said it meant the world to him because most people would have left it there. My good friend never showed up... He was back at the house helping his mother entertain guests that they had over and let the others go out and check on the cat. The party? A celebration of the eldest brother's (the one kneeling down) engagement to his longtime girlfriend. All of this was a complete tornado of horribleness. It wasn't my fault, and there was nothing I could of done, but It will still haunt me for a very, very, very long time. I do have an update on this story, it's not a TODAYifu because this happened months ago, but I do have an update on what happened after. I later met up with my good friend, and appogised for everything. He forgave me and we're doing alright. The eldest brother is now married to the girl I believe. They just purchased a new baby kitten a week ago and named him. tl;dr I ran over a cat that i thought was dead. A collar wasn't around, so i went house to house asking if their cat was dead. I found the collar. The cat sadly began having a seizure and i called the family. They cried for a long time, then I discovered it was my best friend's older brother's cat that he had purchased for his girlfriend as a symbol of his love for her. This entire incident happend while he was having an engagent party to celebrate how he would soon be marring that same girl. EDIT: I am on an iPad, without a tab button, whenever I return And hit a few spaces it mashes it all together. I'M AS BOTHERED AS YOU ARE ABOUT THERE BEING NO PARAGRAPHS! It will be fixed as soon as I can get on a computer. I do have an update on this story, it's not a TODAYifu because this happened months ago, but I do have an update on what happened after. I later met up with my good friend, and appogised for everything. He forgave me and we're doing alright. The eldest brother is now married to the girl I believe. They just purchased a new baby kitten a week ago and named him Joey ISS5731: I’m no expert, but there’s a chance that the cat did not have a seizure. A lot of the time, when an animal dies, after a little while it will start twitching violently and then relax, so it may have just been this natural process. Of course, I wasn’t there, so it’s your word over mine. StormySan: I've seen a cat killed by a hit-and-run before, and the only way I could explain it is as a death spasm. We were pretty sure the poor thing was dead, moved it out of the road so any other cars wouldn't smash it, and tried to check the collar. I'd swear it wasn't breathing before then, but suddenly it tensed up entirely, spasmed a good few times, then a load of blood and tissue gushed out of its mouth. Fuck man, this was half a year ago and I can still remember it perfectly. Fucking horrible. ISS5731: Yea it's called Rigor Mortis. Basically, your muscles require energy not only to contract but to relax as well (to maintain the proper ion concentration). When you die, and your cells can't make energy, your muscles can't relax so they spasm like that. EDIT: Read the comment below. What I said about rigor mortis was correct, but it apparently does not occur until 4-6 hours after death. [This](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cadaveric_spasm) is probably what happened. Retanaru: Note Rigor Mortis slowly sets in during a period of hours. Most creatures that die violently really do just spasm uncontrollably. What they call a death spasm is commonly confused with Rigor Mortis because it persists until Rigor Mortis sets in and is what causes people to still be in the state they died in (face in agony/hand still grasping for air).

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Caekman: TIFU while preparing food So I decide to bake some frozen pizza since my cooking skills are limited to doing mainly bacon and eggs and none of the two were available. Before starting I put a warm can of coke in the freezer so it can you know, freeze. Now I had a pizza warming up nicely and a coke freezing up nicely. Everything was fine.. untill I noticed my 5.1 speakers were not functionin properly. I use the best of my google-fu to find answers and consult my techsavvy friends with this issue. Good sum of time goes by when a cold "I fucked up" realization goes through my body. The pizza is all fucked up and black as I rush to get it out of the HOT HOT oven which in turn burns the fuck out of my face and eyes. Now I'm swinging around in our kitchen flapping my free hand to cool of my face with a burnt pizza in the other. As I was, and still am, very hungry I still tried to eat that carsinogenic behemoth. Halfway through I really needed some fluid to wash it down. In comes realization number 2. The coke was almost completely frozen and therefore impossible to consume. So TLDR: I tried to prepare the simplest possible edible thing and ended up with a burnt pizza and a frozen coke. Routa: You should've microwaved the coke to unfreeze it. No? Xvapor1zerX: You sir, deserve an award.

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[deleted]: TIFU by draining my transmission instead of the oil pan. I've changed my own oil no less than 10,000 times in the past 10 years but, for whatever reason, today I royally fucked it up. I had absolutely no transmission fluid and doubled up the oil. Engine was pouring out white smoke and the gears seized. Now I'm out $1200 for a new transmission and 1 man card, as mine has been revoked. dannycalamity: Protip: If the oil you just drained looks reddish, it's not oil. It sounds like the you might have been aware of this fact (at least in theory), in which case congrats on the 1200 dollar oversight! You should see if the repair shop accepts karma. wheresmyhouse: If it was a stick, it would've been gear oil. dannycalamity: Hadn't thought of that. I drive a stick myself, even, but lacking a vacuum pump means I can't do anything with my transmission myself. wheresmyhouse: I envy you for trying. Aside from replacing fluid, and maybe replacing seals in an automatic, there isn't much I would want to do with a transmission. I could tear apart a small block in my sleep, but if I were to do anything with a transmission, I'd probably end up crying in a pool of fluid and small metal parts that I can't identify. Mech1: Automatic transmissions are infinitely, more complex than manuals. Where a Manual transmission just uses gears to transfer torque, an Auto uses Hydraulic fluid and a series of break bands and fiction surfaces, to change gears. wheresmyhouse: I was worried that I phrased that wrong. What I meant to say was replacing fluid in either type, or seals in an automatic. Mech1: Transmissions are tedious things to mess with. I would rather so just about anything else but tranny work. But yes I don't think he actually hurt it, unless he went out and tried actually driving it on like the freeway or something with that little bit of fluid left in it.

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[deleted]: TIFU by not passing the NREMT (EMT certification exam) again. Today was the third time I have taken the exam and did not pass and now I have to take a refresher course to try again. I want to work in the trauma center as an EMT to gain experience before applying to Nurse Practitioner school. I feel stupid, my self confidence has taken a huge blow, and this impedes any ideal progress I want to make towards my goal. So, frustrated. McBullseye: Never be afraid to fail. If you aren't regularly failing you aren't really pushing yourself and you aren't setting goals that are challenging enough. There is no shame in failing a test there is only shame in not trying. Hold your head high because the fact that you are trying and not giving up puts you ahead of most of the population. kingkooka: I guess you're right. It's just disappointing though to see how an ideal become derailed and feelings of inadequacy take hold. Anyway, thank you.

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theflying6969: TIFU when I used the neighbor's toilet So i got off work the other day to find that I had been locked out of my house accidentally by my roommates. (They had gone out of town to a concert, but i couldn't get the day off from work). It just so happened that i REALLY needed to take a dump. I used my judgement and decided I didn't really wanna crap in our backyard like a dog, so I did the sensible thing and explained the situation to one of the neighbors and asked if I could use his bathroom. He said yes, but he was just about to leave. As soon as I sat down I new it wasn't going to be good. When I finished up, I just knew it wasn't going to flush, and of course it didn't. I looked around to try and find a plunger but no luck. I decided I wasn't going to find one and left the house hoping nothing would come of it. Later that night, after I got back into my house, there was a knock on the door from said neighbor, asking if he could borrow our toilet plunger. I got him the plunger and apologized profusely. Thankfully he wasn't too upset, and we actually laughed about the situation, but still the whole thing was super embarrassing. TL;DR Got locked out of house. Had to shit. Used neighbors toilet. clogged it, couldn't find plunger. left house. confronted by neighbor. super embarassing moment. CBod: At least you got the poo into the toilet....not all of us are so lucky every time... drukqsmora: Honestly how do you not get shit into the toilet? Barbarians I tell you Tim_Kaiser: http://www.britanick.com/videos/?id=3pyuFfKPCvY

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taygrindtay: TIFU- Accidentally exposed my penis to a female coworker. Slept on the couch at two waitresses's house without a shirt on, one left in the morning and saw me passed out with my hand down my my pants and half of my dick hanging out. Everyone I work with knows. Pretty chill. BabyFetusMuncher: i bet you feel like a real dick fragglet: Or perhaps just like feeling a real dick. Soup_bones: confucious say, "Man with hand down pants feels cocky". TheSpoonMonkey: "Man with hand in bush is not nessecerily trimming the hedges" SithLordHuggles: "Man who go sideways through airport turnstile going to Bangkok."

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RidleyOReilly: TIFU: Ate a shitton of dried fruit for the first time, then a shitton of White Castle Sliders for the first time. My insides don't like what my outsides ate. I have been sitting here for a *long* time. This sucks. darthelmo: What on Earth were you thinking? There's a reason WC burgers are known far and wide as "belly bombs"! RidleyOReilly: Known far and wide, but never in my circles. *I was never warned.* darthelmo: I *am* sorry. If you come to Georgia, avoid Krystal's like the plague, then. It's White Castle in all but name. Same square, shitty-tasting burgers swimming in a veritable sea of sweated grease. Same onions, square bun, etc. EDIT: *YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.* Jack_Vermicelli: > shitty-tasting burgers I thought you said it was like White Castle? darthelmo: Indeed I did. I would rather eat my own flesh (I think) than eat WC or K burgers.

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asnof: TIFU Realized the college course I wasted 8 months doing is useless to me. In august I started taking a college course to become a welder. It is an experimental course and when you graduate you become "certified". This is essentially useless. It was today after working 3 weeks that I realized how miserable the hob itself is(for me anyay). Learn from my mistake and job shadow someone before you decide to educate yourself in it. gifforc: Nearly everyone who went to college: TIFU Realized the college degree I wasted 4 - 8 years getting is useless to me and I owe more in student loans than most people owe on houses. Fuck that shit. [deleted]: College isn't 4-8 years. I don't think you know what the word college means in the way that this guy is using it. ehansen: Actually depending on what you're going for, it is. Certifications like this are generally 1-2 years max, associates are 2 years, bachelors 4 years, and beyond that it gets tricky. [deleted]: I'm saying that a welding certification is not likely offered by a university (or what American's call a "city college"?), but by a college ("Community college"?). Most college courses would be 2-3 years, undergrad (bachelor's) four years minimum, and then yes it gets tricky.

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[deleted]: TIFU by accidentally sending a FB friend request to a girl I just met on OKCupid. Now she thinks I'm a creep. She only had one picture on OKCupid so i did some snooping to see what she really looks like. I was using the facebook app and it didnt load the friend request icon and i tapped where the icon wouldve been and it sent the request. My FB profile pic is the same as my OKCupid profile, so she knew it was me. a few minutes later she msg me on OKCupid saying "WTF are you a stalker or something? Please dont message me anymore" mtanva: I dont understand whats wrong with sending a friend request. You are showing that you want to keep in touch. nuxenolith: >friend request >not friends MrCluelessFrog: Are you saying I have to *actually* meet people before I can *friend* them? [deleted]: Uh, yes. Unless you play online with them all the time MrCluelessFrog: You mean there are other ways to meet people than playing online games with them? [but for real now, do I really need to wave my sarcasm sign? seriously?] mamajamerson: Pardon the interruption, but I simply have to ask. You have a sarcasm sign? Did you buy/make it yourself? Or was it somehow awarded to you? You see, up to this point, I had no idea such a thing existed. Now that I know this is an actual thing which people possess, I must own one. Where is my sarcasm sign? I want it now! MrCluelessFrog: I made it myself, it's like one of those big old 70s protests signs. I hold it up and wave it at my screen whenever somebody doesn't get my online sarcasm. For just $14.99 I can send you the concept drawings! I made them myself! In paint! Limited edition! First come, first serve! mamajamerson: I do so want one! But gee willikers, that price is pretty steep. Can I put it on layaway? MrCluelessFrog: For our more savy customers we also offer a payment plan. For only 30 easy monthly rates of just $9.99 you can own your very own Sarcasm Sign or SarcSign™ tomorrow. Call now. 202-456-1414 All we need are your credit card number, your social security number and your first born as a deposit! Only 2 more SarcSigns left! Call now! 202-456-1414 mamajamerson: Why didn't you say so in the first place? I hate to haggle, but I surely did get a lower price out of you, Sucker! To celebrate, I'm going straight to /r/shutupandtakemymoney and buy myself something nice with all those savings.

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Ry_Gor: Almost flipped a County truck today. One tire width from rolling it into a 12 foot ditch Chakote: >You can see my coworker checking how big the hole is that the front tire had sunk in to. No, I can't. EDIT: Now I can, because the submission has been edited. Thank you. If that were me, I would be cleaning my poop off the seat. Is it just me, or is that an Ontario plate? [deleted]: Good eye. How could you tell? Chakote: 6 black numbers/letters on the front of the truck. Where did this happen? I live in the GTA. [deleted]: How do you know there aren't seven? But I guess it isn't too difficult Chakote: I didn't. I'm actually stalking you. In fact, I'm standing behind you right now. ... It just looked like 6 based on where the last 3 are. And I think I can see the "O" in "Ontario". [deleted]: yeah, it's eastern ontario. I figured that last letter helped too

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Pandalism: TIFU by using a coffee maker that had a dead bug in it. I'm an engineering student, and to save me from going broke over the $3 cups of coffee at Starbucks, my parents found an [old automatic coffee make](http://laist.com/attachments/lindsayrebecca/MrCoffeeCoffeemaker.jpg)r for me to use. It's at least 20 years old, and my parents don't drink coffee, so it hasn't been used since my grandparents came to visit us, which was probably 10 years ago. The first thing I noticed was that there was a dead [silverfish](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/a7/Lepisma_saccharina_1a.JPG/220px-Lepisma_saccharina_1a.JPG) stuck to the inside of the coffee pot, and several pieces of bug poop. No big deal, that's what soap is for. After washing everything out thoroughly with hot water, I decided to follow the manual's instructions of brewing hot water without any coffee to clean the insides of the machine. The water that came out had lots of small pieces of unidentified organic material in it, which was a bit odd, but I repeated the process and it was completely clear. After this, I made a cup of coffee and drank it. It was pretty good, actually a lot better than I was expecting. But when I got done and was taking the used coffee grounds out to throw them away, I happened to look through grating at the top of the machine (where you pour the water in) and there was a dead [click beetle](http://www.whatsthatbug.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/click_beetle_sb.jpg) inside. I had to unscrew the top to get it out. Starbucks used to use [beetle juice](http://articles.latimes.com/2012/apr/19/business/la-fi-starbucks-bug-color-20120420) as a dye, so this can't be too much worse, right? [deleted]: I know you're broke and all but a brand new coffee machine can be had for like $10-$15 at walmart. Pandalism: Other than being old, this one is actually really good. I'm not a coffee connoisseur but I liked it better than my grandma's coffee, the free stuff I get when I go to church, and the coffee vending machines on campus (these are not high-quality comparisons, I know.) [deleted]: case and point. don't trust church. [deleted]: At least they don't have beetles in their coffee. Probably. Pandalism: One day they served some coffee that a mission team had brought back from Nicaragua. It was sour enough that I wouldn't be surprised.

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Maxadax: TIFU by screwing up my school assembly and making a fool of myself in front of hundreds So it was a normal assembly today, and the last one of the week, I have delivered this assembly 4 times by now (I am that nerd who sets up all of the PA and lighting equipment for the school and sits at the back of the hall having ALL the fun). This weeks 'theme of the week' was "music appreciation" so, the assemblies were about music. This weeks assembly was also particularly complicated, there was a lot to do and my fellow nerds didn't realise that they had to show up that day so it was pretty much me doing it all (alongside a young trainee). The teacher wanted me to play music when he said but this was already going to be difficult because every things coming from one old laptop (the power points and videos etc.) and transitions are usually slow. This assembly required 7 music clips and 2 had video alongside. Nothing was labelled and it was all stored on the computers desktop without helpful names or anything. Another problem is that the computer can't run more than 1 media clip at the same time, so it had to load the videos and music each time the teacher wanted a clip to be played. So the assembly had started, I had gotten the trainee to do some of the more simple stuff like bring up the lights and I then showed him how I do my thing. I loaded up the presentation on the projector and we waited for the teacher to present this first bit before we played the first video. Annoyingly, the laptop decided to freeze and the presentation crashed when we minimised it. But it had been 10 seconds of silence and we needed to play the video, the presentation can wait until after the video. As the video played, I realised that the presentation was stored on a memory stick, we then looked all over the place for it. Eventually we found it just near the end of the video and inserted it in the laptop. The video paused as that stupid notification popped up in the bottom right of the screen and the popping sound basted through the PA. People laughed, as the do when we screw up. There were also more than a couple of hundred people in the room so this was very embarrassing. But this was only the start of the whole shit. So, the video had finished and we frantically opened the presentation again from the memory stick but in my haste I forgot to unplug the laptop from the damn projector. This wouldn't have been an issue but before the assembly someone had changed the wallpaper to a picture of Justin Bieber as a prank. People laughed again and the teacher gave us a weird look because he thought we were just having a laugh. I only assume this because he wouldn't do anything dramatic in front of hundreds of people. Eventually we found the slide we were on and the assembly resumed, but we waited for the next song. I had done this assembly 4 times before and I was quite confident that I knew my way around it. We got to the but where he names the best selling albums, the next bit was where I should play the next clip. Or so I thought. The situation wasn't helped by the fact that the trainee who I had brought his friend in and were just yapping their heads off. I said they should be quite because I don't want us to screw up again quite a lot of times (The trainee chose NOW to ask me about where he can buy PA equipment, not at break or any other time which WASN'T the middle of assembly). So anyways, I stupidly thought now was the time to play the next song, Thriller by Michael Jackson and we unplugged the projector. If the other two weren't yapping their balls off I may have heard the teacher asking if he could have the presentation back but I was opening the song already. I started the music and immediately people broke into laughter and the teacher yelled "C'mon boys, you know I don't want that now". I smacked the stop button and then realised how dumb I had been, there was another slide to go. Also, not only was I playing the song at the wrong time, but it was also the wrong song altogether. It had taken a good 15 seconds to realise my blunder and stop the music. The teacher was certain that we were fucking with him on purpose now. So I rather rudely told the other two to shut the hell up and did the rest of the assembly very carefully. I knew that I was going to hear all about it from my classes later. So the rest of the assembly went OK, the transitions from presentation to music/video were slow but that was fine. Eventually, though, the teacher wanted the last song to be played, "Ebony and Ivory". I pressed play but the music never played. I still don't know why. But because the assembly had already gone to shit I just laughed along with the jeers from everyone, there wasn't much point. The teacher shouts from the front "Where's the song, boys?" and I shout back "I have got no damn idea". It was a very stressful situation, and very embarrassing. I feel so stupid. [deleted]: TIMSF Today I Made School Fun People are pleased with this. Any type of scenario where you have to sit for hours and something funny happens, makes it better. You just became the cool kid. Let me correct that, "da koo kid." hugecatfish: Can't agree more. Don't worry OP, nobody's gonna think "hey, remember that time Maxadax made an IT error? LOL, what a loser! So unprofessional!". It's more like "haha, remember when Maxadax kept us out of class for five minutes longer? That was cool." 1dividedby0: Yeah Maxadax. Think of it this way; at least you're not a hugecatfish.

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gythorg: TIFU: By saying KONY 2012 like60bunnies: All this KONY 2012 stuff is so annoying- I can't wait until it's all blown over. Wasn't the guy who made the video siding with other African dictators that were doing like, the same thing as Kony? sponatron: I mean, I heard that on the internets just now so...

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BillMcLargeHuge: TIFU by leaving a backpack outside with my wallet and clothes in it. I work at a restaurant in a beach town. As a dishwasher, I'm essentially the bitch of the kitchen, so at the end of the night I need to take out the garbage from the kitchen doors to a dumpster across the street. After a long and exhausting shift, I grabbed my backpack from the upstairs change room so I wouldn't have to go up again after I had done the garbage. In my tired state, I shrugged the backpack off my shoulder onto the ground just leaning against the kitchen door, and then took the garbage across the road. It takes about 2-3 minutes only, but when I had gotten back it was gone. Included my wallet, clothes, shoes, and a textbook that will cost me $100+ to replace. TL:DR: I left a backpack on the sidewalk for 2 minutes and some douche took it instantly the_cryptozoologist: Are you fucking fisting me? That's terrible. I wish nothing but misfortune upon the sorry bitch who took your backpack. syscofresh: >Are you fucking fisting me? ಠ\_ಠ chantistar: Well, **are you??** syscofresh: sh...should I be? kpatterson14206: I know your tricks.

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PeesinMouths: TIFU: Instead of cumming in a girl's mouth, I was drunk and let out a short burst of piss I'm almost 100% sure she didn't notice (she was drunk too), but she SWALLOWED it and said, "all gone" - which would have been really hot should I have released the correct bodily fluid. I was in a weird space immediately afterwards trying to convince myself it was actually cum, but then she wanted to make out and her breath smelled like piss. Please tell me this has happened to someone else at least once.. Theabbalah: haha u R K'd that bitch! YouAreMike: ↑ Loved that!

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Anindoorcat: TIFU by getting coffee poured on my head & interior of my car. so I was about to head to work, poured a fresh pint glass full of hot coffee. Went to the car sat it on the roof, got in & started opening all the windows. Then I opened the sunroof that's when scalding hot coffee imploded over my head and inside of the car (bonus points: I was wearing a trucker hat, which I never wear). so the interior of my car is every bit as sticky as you would imagine & I had to reshower before work. My scalp is still pretty tender. burnsidelocal: Leaving our house one AM when I was young: My mom sets her scalding hot coffee on the glovebox fold out holder thing (which is more like a small circular divot on a flat surface) Backs out of our driveway and of course hits the curb behind us. Hot Coffee all over my nuts and thighs. Had to goto the ER for 2nd and 3rd degree Burns. thebornotaku: Volvo 240? burnsidelocal: Wow unbelievable!!! I was gonna say it was a Volvo. Yep 240 wagon. I always wanted to write a letter to them... I really wasnt that mad at my Mom, although it did hurt like hell, but maybe I thought a trip to the ER was more fun than the Day Camp we were headed to that day. thebornotaku: I drive a 240 wagon... I'm all too familiar with that deceptive divot, and passengers thinking it's a cupholder. burnsidelocal: yes you said it, its a divot, not a cupholder. Thats like calling a pointy stick a screwdriver. Sure it might work sort of but FAIL.

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Estranged_Noodle: TIFU: My mom walked into a horrifying scene of me naked, with one leg stooped over the side of my bed as my left hand was clearing dingleberry debris and the other was maintaining ballsack leverage. So much awkwardness has since ensued. So long story short, I just got out of the shower and I had a few dingleberries dangling about in the lower region. I couldn't really go at them with my towel on, so I maximize my posture (as detailed in the title) and as I'm in the field, my mom slams through the door with the laundry. After an immediate gasp and about a 1.5 second freeze-frame shock-phase, she dropped the laundry and booked it in the other direction. That was last night. She hasn't said a word to me yet. I'm 95% positive she thinks I'm a chronic asshole-fingerer. Weirder part is she told my dad and he won't even look at me. It really blows but luckily I barely see them on weekdays due to work schedule conflicts. But tomorrow (technically today) we'll all be home. This makes me terribly anxious. asnof: Perhaps you should start shaving down there to prevent berries from accumulating all together? JSBIV: or just wiping properly asnof: Even with wiping properly dingle berries dont always consist of crap, sometimes they are lint and hurt like a bitch to remove epicfailzatwork: Yeah.^^^ THIS. FUCK new underwear. Aszuul: get better underwear... I've never heard of getting lint dingleberries.

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allyallyally: TIFU by telling my co-worker she was fuckable.. Said co-worker came to work wearing a green and red dress. What I meant to say was that she looked very festive.. brain fail had me saying she looked fuckable. Now everyone in the office thinks I'm a crude lesbian. Drago6817: If you were a dude, you'd have been sued. [deleted]: Gender equality. IstheCakeReallyaLie: **'MERICA!!!** augustoPSantos: ***FUCK YEAH!*** IstheCakeReallyaLie: ...Seaking? augustoPSantos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhnUgAaea4M CodyGriffin: I've never heard the whole song till now...I love it! DukeSpraynard: ***FUCK YEAH!*** BashinBrutusXD: fake tits! AnonymousPhi: ****FUCK YEAH!*** Immigrants! BashinBrutusXD: FUCK YEAH! Bed bath and beyond! ballmierfuzzball: Band aids FUCK YEAH! BashinBrutusXD: THE GOVERNMENT FUCK YEAH!! ballmierfuzzball: Taco bell FUCK YEAH!!

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DontThrowAway2Hard: YIFU by taking a dump in my friend's garden at his 17th birthday party. His parents found the evidence and everyone that went knows about it. englanddragons7: today you fucked up your TIFU post title IDangleFreely: Yesterday? englanddragons7: ohh maybe, i just looked at my keyboard and figured he messed up seeing that the y is right next to the t

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[deleted]: TIFU: Poured HCl into a 4L jug of Na2S2O3 A few days ago (would've posted it then but I didn't think of it), we were doing a practical investigation in Chemistry class, to look at how changing the temperature of two reacting substances affects the rate of reaction. There were two bottles of liquid Hydrochloric Acid (HCl) and two of liquid Sodium Thiosulfate (Na2S2O3). The HCl bottles are clear with a blue lid. The Sodium Thiosulfate bottles were huge -- about 6L, minimum -- and brown with a red lid. I'd poured some HCl into a small beaker, which I then poured into a 10mL test tube. Here's where it gets bad. Because I only needed 10mL of HCl, I had some leftover in the beaker. A thought struck me: *Hey, leaving a beaker half-full of Hydrochloric Acid sitting around is dangerous! You should pour it back into the container.* Someone passed me a clear 4L bottle with a blue lid. *"Okay"*, I thought, *"All the HCl bottles are this size, clear and have blue lids."* So I poured the HCl away. Then I read the label. "Sodium Thiosulfate." Well, `Na2S2O3(aq) + 2HCl(aq) --> 2NaCl(aq) + H2O(l) + SO2(g) + S(s)` ...and so it came to pass that the container filled with NaCl, water and solid Sulfur, making it all cloudy, and SO2, making it all smelly. We didn't have enough Sodium Thiosulfate to finish the last of the experiments. TIFU. **TL;DR:** Today I learned I shouldn't judge a bottle by its appearance, because it's the *contents* of a bottle that matter. ssoass7: Just don't pour stuff back into containers. Won't have to do any judging that way. [deleted]: True, pour it down the drain of course brokengirl1031: In this case, yes, with lots of water depending on the concentration of the HCl. OnceInATre0n: Classroom stuff. I didn't look at the label too much, but I doubt it was too highly concentrated. We were instructed to dispose of it in the sink with water.

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EXSUPERVILLAIN: TIFU by having my GPS fly out of my car window. I was driving this morning on a busy road when I had to make a right turn. I turned pretty quickly and somehow my GPS detached it's suction cup from my front windshield, flew across my dashboard, and right out my window. I am also an Asian female...I will now get lost everywhere I go. scream2002: lol bad luck.. EXSUPERVILLAIN: It's the kind of bad luck thats almost ridiculous.

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coforce: TIFU while eating at a restaurant. I was eating in a restaurant with a group of people enjoying a meal. I noticed that a very attractive waitress (who was not serving our table) kept making eye contact with me smiling. She eventually took a break and sat at a table behind me. I turned around to look at her and as I did so I rocked the table I was sitting at forward haphazardly dumping every drink, food, plate, and condiments on our table into the floor. Most of my drink spilled directly into my right shoe and it looked as if someone just threw food/drinks randomly all over our eating section. I took my shoe off and dumped 3/4ths of my drink out of it. A flood of workers came to our section to help us clean. I'll never see her again, which is perfectly fine with me. Talk about being awkward in public. julieannjohnsonabled: Missed connections. Do it! coforce: Haha.. there is little chance she'd forget who I am, and certainly the potential is there but I am moving to a new city soon. Therefore I don't think it'd be wise to connect with anyone before I move. gbromios: DON'T BE A COWARD: MISSED CONNECTIONS. DO IT! retrobuddha: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/i/personals?category=mis DO IT!! Magicmole: How do you know they are from Los Angeles? danthemango: EVERYONE IS FROM LOS ANGELES burst_bagpipe: Dear hot waitress at the herpderp restaurant, I'm the guy who threw over a table after pissing myself ( most of which went in my shoe and I poured it on the floor ) I think you're really hot and was wondering if you wanna hook up? Call me on 555 *** *** inflexiblemadness: Why is the phone number only 9 digits? ARE YOU GIVING OUT A FAKE NUMBER?! burst_bagpipe: It's a secret.

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[deleted]: TIFU by not making a move. Me and a girl i've had a crush on and off for about 3 years. She gets her friends to scram and it's just me and her at a table at the back of a pub (outside bit). Her hand in mine and im stroking it, candles are the only light source around (and are on the table). The conversation leads to us both admitting we had feelings for each other now or in the past, the setting was undeniably perfect. And then....nothing. I did absolutely nothing. Later on she asked me to dance. I can't dance. It went less than well and now she's being cold in texts. Time to forget about this I suppose! fuckingcaptcha: Dude, this is the most easily fixed fuck-up you could have done. You didn't make a move then, but there'll be other chances to make a move. Chin up. [deleted]: I hope so. We never really see each other except through mutual friends, so if she's cold I doubt I could meet just me and her. We'll see I suppose! trouphaz: wait... you said she's being cold in texts! now, correct me if i'm wrong but doesn't that mean YOU HAVE HER PHONE NUMBER?!?!?! don't text her. grow a pair and call her. maybe say something like, "i think we have a great connection. i really wanted to ask you out or something the other night, but i wimped out... i'm correcting that now. let's go out for dinner/coffee/bingo/whatever this friday/saturday/blah." [deleted]: I'm pretty good at talking and such in real life, very confident in that sense. On the phone however, I turn into a blubbering mess (no matter who i'm talking with), so this is less than easy for me lol trouphaz: Doing what's right even when it is hard to do... Some would say that's what it takes to be a man. [deleted]: Doesn't matter now i'm afraid! As I said in another post, we got our wires crossed and misinterpreted each other. Wasn't meant to be this time trouphaz: I would change your thread to say that you continue to fuck up. It is not a one time deal with a woman who is interested in you. For all of the forever alone people on reddit, I hope you come to your senses or someone slaps you upside the head. You've got a woman who has expressed interest and you're sitting there letting it slip through your fingers like an idiot. Sorry to sound harsh, but one of the most important lessons I hope my children learn is that you should never miss out on anything in life because you were afraid because that is a wasted life. The only things I regret in life are those that I missed because I was afraid. I don't know if you've ever heard of Defending Your Life, a somewhat mediocre movie with a great message, but I recommend you find it and watch it. [deleted]: Well I wouldn't say i've continued to fuck up. I asked to see if she was interested, and she literally said that "I just meant you were always nice. Sorry if that was misleading". A friend assures me that with the setting and such, it was pretty obvious that she was interested. We were drunk at the time so maybe she is feeling something, but if she isn't interested sober, what am i to do? trouphaz: I will give you credit for talking to her again, but you could certainly have a better approach. Instead of asking if she's interested in you, just ask her out. "Hey, there is this new restaurant I wanted to try out. Want to go with me?" You can do whatever, but getting a date can always lead to more or at least let you know if there is some spark, but trying to sort out a person's interest without that is tough. [deleted]: True enough, but we've known each other for almost 7 years now. We talk every so often and sat next to each other in one of our 4 classes for a year, I think she'd have some idea if she liked me or not. But i do agree, perhaps I could have handled it better, I think I just got impatient and wanted to know what she thought NOW. We'll chalk this up to experience and next time the girl will be mine!

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goner78: TIFU at my girlfriend's parent's house This weekend I took a trip to my girlfriend's house as a surprise since I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks. Today started off by me getting sick after breakfast, resulting in me throwing up all the food her mom had just spent cooking. Not the best start to a day. After dinner, I get that feeling. I have to take a shit. This wasn't any normal feeling either. I felt as though at any moment, I was going to birth a small child from my bowels. I excuse myself to the restroom and let out the most glorious, awe-inspiring fecal matter I have ever seen. The house already has somewhat shoddy plumbing, so I'm a bit worried, but I've gone there before, so I figure it's no big deal. Then I flush. It all goes down. Relief. I flush again, as a courtesy. Uh oh. It's clogged. Luckily, there is a plunger directly beside the toilet. I plunge with a fury for a good five minutes to no avail. This sucker is clogged. I text my girlfriend, who then informs me that the only thing she knows to do is call her father in to help. After mustering up the courage, he comes in and, after minutes of plunging with multiple plungers, realizes the futility of the action. By some stroke of luck, he had what appeared to be a plumber's snake in the garage. Unfortunately, the clog is not budging. After 45 minutes worth of work on the sucker, it's not going anywhere. As a result, a plumber will be making a trip to the house tomorrow morning. We are down to one toilet for five people, and I am having poop jokes flung at me from all directions. Chuckgofer: Jokes mean they're not angry. This could have been SO much... shittier. 841154ck: Pun intended. joemama19: No shit. 841154ck: Didn't see the ellipses. I feel stupid now. mach_kernel: Dipshit darthelmo: Shit-for-brains. [deleted]: what a shitty situation

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[deleted]: TIFU: on a bike I live in a large city in New York. I don't have a car. Anyway I was riding my bike to work one day, I was running late, and I decided to go down a hill that was so steep that it was hard to walk on to make up time. A branch got caught in the spokes of my tire and I took a header at literally 20+mph. I woke up some hours later, I assume because it was dark out, to a cop shining an oversized mag-light in my face. I said back "Do I f***ing look okay?" The cop told me that he called an ambulance and that my nose is probably broken and I am missing some teeth. That was a few days ago as my headaches have caused me to just stay in bed. Disasturbator: Helmet or no? Also, pics or it didn't happen. Its-Georgie: This isn't 4chan. T3hBau5: But it is the internet, so... pics or it didn't happen. Its-Georgie: You're like, 15, right?

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[deleted]: TIFU: Said "Yes." to a date even thought I have a boyfriend. This guy asked me out for ice cream after I get off work sometime, I feel weird saying no cause I have been friendly to this guy cause he comes in a lot and I was really tired (it was third shift). I dont know his last name or a way to contact him to apologize and get out of it. ojolejano: wait til his cock is in your ass to tell him you dont want a relationship cmVkZGl0: This works every time for me!

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narwhal-bacon: TIFU: And sent my 5yo sister careering down a professional ski slope Okay so, my family and I went on a weekend trip up the the mountains for snow related activities. Neither my sister nor I have ever seen snow before so understandably, we were excited. I was pulling her up this hill on a toboggan, and off to the side there was this slope. I thought great! So I gave her a massive push, and she went racing down that hill. I'm talking 20-30 km. It was only then that i noticed the signs reading "experts only" and "obstacles below"... TL;DR: Nearly broke my sisters neck by sending her down a mountain on a plastic board. gbromios: Is she okay?? (you idiot?) ANAL_SAND_TAX: haha that is pretty hilarious as long as she is ok anyway thebornotaku: ...anal...sand...tax? FlopsyBunny: the true nitty gritty

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[deleted]: TIFU by selling a bike and proceeding to lose the key. I sold a bike to a friend before leaving the country, but I needed to get some food to make in the days before the flight, so I told him I would go to the store and back and give him the key. I lost the key in the small time frame from paying to going back to the parking lot. DevilWorshipper: What? [deleted]: tl;dr sold bike, had to take it somewhere prior to giving away, lost key ijk1: People may be confused because you're talking about the "key" to a "bike". Are you talking about a motorcycle, or about a bicycle that is locked to something? (With a motorcycle, in the US, a dealership will generally make you a new key for a reasonable fee if you come by with appropriate ownership documents.) [deleted]: OH. Well it's a Japanese bicycle, and most of them have in-built [locks](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_rakbTiaBe7A/TQeUU8nN2eI/AAAAAAAADfQ/uud6ZlSlRnU/s640/photo.JPG) that go through the rear wheel and you unlock with a key. I haven't seen a Western bike in a while, lol. ijk1: Learn something new every day. In particular, apparently Japanese bicycles are like Dutch bicycles with even more accoutrements. And is that an electric motor on there? [deleted]: No, it's sort of like a guard for the chain so it doesn't get stuck to anything, I guess? [deleted]: this isn't just for japanese bikes, every single bicycle in east asia has this feature except for the cheapo ones

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ebeltoft08: TIFU by hitting a parked car while riding a bike I have a history of biking without a helmet, but my parents are strongly opposed to it. I wear one out of the house, then take it off 2 to 3 blocks away. (I know it's stupid and dangerous and not wroth the risk, but bear with me) Usually I take it off while riding, (I know, dumb) and today was no exception. As I was just about to get it off my head, I remembered to look forward to see where I was going, and slamed into a parked car. Luckily I only got some extremely painful bruises, and the car wasn't damaged. TL;DR Took off my helmet on a moving bike, forgot to look, ran head-on into parked car. SuperFlyinMonke: Good, you deserve it for setting a bad example and being an all around idiot. ebeltoft08: yeah, I know, don't worry, I learned my lesson, taking off safety gear in motion is a good way to end up hurt. [deleted]: >taking off safety gear is a good way to end up hurt. FTFY

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[deleted]: TIFU: dropped cover on hand, broke 4 bones The title says it all, only been working here for 4 days as maintenance, had the cover opened on one of the machines, was bent over checking out the lower part and had my hand on the lip when I bumped it and the lid slammed down at 2.5 times the speed of sound. Got me right on the back of the hand. Bled like someone slaughtered a pig and I just knew I lost a finger. I just hope now I don't get fired. Tldr, didn't pay attention, earned four broken bones Edit: Cover = Safty guard over the blades. It was off and I was inspecting it, I bumped it causing the guard to fall onto my right hand. It weighs 60 pounds Elouske: What is a cover? I keep thinking some kind of lid but that doesn't seem right. ConstableOdo: It's probably a large machine and a side or top panel comes off. He probably had it perched at an angle on something or on the top. It could also be something to the effect of a manhole cover.

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julieannjohnsonabled: TIFU Request: TSA agent who forgot to plug in metal detector. http://m.nypost.com/p/news/local/queens/unplugged_tsa_airhead_triggers_jfk_kKxMANCPErCWn6KLfDbbVI Shanix: [And for those who don't want the mobile version](http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/queens/unplugged_tsa_airhead_triggers_jfk_kKxMANCPErCWn6KLfDbbVI) Waffle842: god among men etc etc etc

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nado6593: TIFU by breaking a 3yo backyard jungle gym swing set Last night was one of my best friend's birthday parties. I'm in the backyard and a couple of my friends go out front to smoke and I stay behind with one other guy. After talking for a bit my eye catches a wooden jungle gym complete with 4 swings and a big slide in the side part of the backyard. I ask the guy I'm with if he wants to go over to see it and reminisce about our childhoods. We head over there and I take a seat on one of the swings and he on the opposite one WITHOUT SWINGING, just sitting there. Also, we both way around 165 pounds each, which isn't really that heavy. I say to him "I used to have one just like this when I was a kid," and right after the support beam holding up the swings snaps in half and the swing set collapses. Needless to say, I felt awful and my friend was pissed when he saw it but got over it quickly because he is nice like that. I still offered to help fix it or pay for a new one, but he told me not to worry about it. After telling his parents this morning, he texted me saying that they weren't at all mad and wanted to get rid of it for a while anyways, so I kind of did him a favor. But when his 3 yo brother saw it, he burst out crying and was extremely upset, understandably so. I still feel bad about it even though his family is OK about it. I think his and his parents reactions were worse than mine, not caring about the 3 yo being heartbroken by this, but that may just be my subconscious trying to make me feel better. What do you think reddit? TL;DR Sat on swing, collapsed jungle gym, 3yo in tears but rest of family doesn't care, feel guilty but am wondering if family is worse than me for not caring about 3yo's pains. [deleted]: had almost the same thing happen to me, except when this one collapsed, I broke my tailbone nado6593: Ouch, I wasn't that high up so I didn't hit the ground too hard. I feel for you

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throw_it_all_away_tw: TIFU: Made out with another girl at a bar. I have a girlfriend. I told her about it and not sure what to do next. Not that I deserve any advice because I'm a piece of garbage...but what have others done in this situation? julieannjohnsonabled: Don't blame the alcohol but if it played a role, take a break from it. Take full responsibility! Let her express her anger as much as she needs to and make no excuses. Send flowers... Lots of them. Good luck! saseum: So... flowers = [this?](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Get_Out_of_Jail_Free_card) julieannjohnsonabled: No, but it shows he knows what he did was wrong and he's trying to fix it in any and every way he can. julieannjohnsonabled: Flowers are good because they die. You don't want her to have an everlasting reminder of that one time you fucked up and felt bad. * forgot a word [deleted]: As a girl I confirm this. My bf took me on a shopping spree after he fucked up. Four months later I'm still reminded of it when I grab my purse, wear the clothes and use my phone.

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GravyMaster: TIFU and blew the largest load of man gravy upon my own face. (Slightly NSFW) So first a little back story. I am a guy, as you can assume from the title. I had an extremely busy December last year and this resulted in me not committing the heinous crime of masturbating for a while. After about two weeks, I realized the combo I had accidentally built and thought "*Eh, what the hell lets keep this thing going."* I successfully did so until today. All of my roommates were out of the house for a solid three hours and I decided it was time to end it. Time for my moment of glorious self-pleasure. I had the mood all set, I was comfy, the lights were dimmed, and I had my favorite visual assistance leading me on. Things were going well and I was feeling pretty good. After about 5 or 6 minutes of work, I made a huge mistake. What I forgot to take into consideration in this instant was my largely diminished endurance. Like, damn, I was on a short fuse. My huge mistake? Adding a lubricant. Within what seemed like seconds I had gone beyond my limit, there was no turning back. What's done is done, what's fun is fun. Normally this wouldn't really be that much of a problem, but, I was laying on my back with the cannon pointed directly at my face. Before I knew it, I was scrambling to scrub my face clean with Kleenexes. Mind you, I hadn't cleared the pipes for nearly 7 months so you can imagine the magnitude of what occurred. Never again. Gemini4t: 7 months? No wet dreams? GravyMaster: Nope, never in my life. Gemini4t: Son, if you can go another 7 months and get in touch with a porn producer, you may very well be able to make the best facial porn of all time. calafragilistic: Dude, make this happen. Justsomerandomgirl: This is too epic. I would seriously let you use my face just out of curiosity. I don't know anyone that can not cum for seven months. calafragilistic: I'm not OP, but I appreciate your passion for *science!* Justsomerandomgirl: Lol I meant him, I just caught that I wrote you. But hey, if you can hold it in for 7 months I'd let you do it to. calafragilistic: 7 hours is close enough, right? Justsomerandomgirl: Save it a little longer. Needs to be impressive. Like some Peter North shit. calafragilistic: I know a guy named Peter, and I live in North America. What a coincidence! ajelizalde: That's it. Internet over. You all can go home now. calafragilistic: I don't get it.. ajelizalde: Didn't you hear me? **INTERNET. OVER.** Go home. calafragilistic: I'm already home... ajelizalde: Boy. Go fetch me a switch. adh247: My mom used to make me do that... I would bring back a twig

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[deleted]: TIFU: and forgot my mom's birthday. Yup. Well, technically yesterday I fucked up. Forgot my Mom's birthday. Didn't realize it until today. Owned. RKO36: I'm sure she still loves you. Just apologize and wish her a happy birthday. saseum: Get her: A card and some ... [flowers] (http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/vjodj/tifu_made_out_with_another_girl_at_a_bar_i_have_a/c55394q)

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mrsmell: TIFU: Helped return a stranger's item at Walmart...didn't realize it could have been stolen. A stranger asked if I could help him out and said he needed to return something. He didn't have a receipt so their policy is to take down someone's ID (I guess he didn't have his ID on him). I returned the item for him. He was with me and the customer service people knew I didn't purchase the item but was returning it for him. It seemed harmless at the time but I feel so stupid now because the item may have been stolen. Does anyone know if I would get in trouble for this? Should I go back and tell them what happened? Edit: The item was some type of cleaning product like Drano (It couldn't have been too expensive)...If it was a tv or something I would have been more alarmed... faenorflame: I wouldn't really worry about it. I mean, we are probably talking, what, $5.00 or less (sorry if not in U.S.A.)? If it was clear that the employees knew what was going on anyways, either nothing will happen or it will be them held responsible. That is, after all, kinda part of their job. Nah, all said, keep it in mind for the future if it worries you, but it's not going to be an issue. mrsmell: You're probably right, it just freaked me out a little bit.

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rokimaru: TIFU: opened a bottle of wine in bachelor fashion, concussion and the need for stitches. It wasn't even mine. faenorflame: Dare I ask what "Bachelor Fashion" is for opening wine? I'm unmarried and use a corkscrew. >_< rokimaru: Dug a screw in, pulled it out with pliers. faenorflame: Ok, that is a hell of a lot better than some times I was picturing. How feasible would it be if you angled the wine bottle away from you? Then, if something like this set up to happen again, the pliers and exposed screw would not be aimed at your head. rokimaru: Well duh.

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awesomeman91: TIFU. Flooded the apartment and my shirt is still dirty. I only had one shirt to clean so I thought id just throw it in my tub in some hot water and clean it by hand. So I put the hot water on and threw the shirt in. Now its early in the morning so I'm really, really hungry. I decide to have a splendid breakfast of 3 scrambled eggs, sausages and English muffins and a beer. So I made my breakfast, began to eat and reddit. So about after an hour I'm wondering who went in the shower but again throw it in the back of my mind and continue to browser everything I missed during my sleep time. 30 minutes later I see water running into my kitchen 10ft away from my bathroom and watch it flow into the living room 20ft away. I had begun to to panic. I thought the kitchen pipes burst because they have been leaking for about a month. But I checked. They were fine. Then it hit me. The bathroom and my shirt. The shirt was halfway down the drain and floating on top of the tub waters. I quickly shut it off and yanked my shirt from the drain. My older brother who's half asleep scrambles for some towels and begins to clean up. I do the same. It took about another 30 minutes to get the floors somewhat dry and then the person who lives below me knocks on my door. I had to explain to the sweet angry old lady why there was water in her bathroom and why I was an idiot. Now I have to clean my work shirt again. TIL how much of an idiot I am. Tarkaan: You're lucky she's not making you pay for any damage. awesomeman91: That would have sucked more balls than Hitler being a dick to the world. Blake83: what

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[deleted]: TIFU by smashing my windpipe in the car door When I was putting my son in his car seat my heel snapped off and I fell from the curb and landed on my car door. Luckily for me, my windpipe broke my fall. I now have a bruise that looks like someone was choking me over the weekend. *"Hey t_hro_w! How was yo-- oh God! Sweetie, what happened?!"* Chuckgofer: And now your husband will be getting ALL the dirty looks/ass beatings. PLEASE don't joke with anyone, it's not fun for guys. [deleted]: I don't have a husband or a boyfriend so I can't even joke if I wanted to. Chuckgofer: Ah, I had a girlfriend who had a black eye once. I got the DIRTIEST fucking looks :/ gbromios: A friend of mine fell down the stairs at my house once, so her boyfriend took her to the hospital. Apparently, if you tell the people in the ER that your broken/bruised ribs are from from falling down the stairs, your boyfriend is gonna have a etc., etc. [deleted]: It took me forever to realize "etc., etc." meant "bad time." Couldn't you have just written bad time? Don't you know I just got off a 12 hour graveyard shift? *grumble, grumble* gbromios: if you try to read jokes after working for 12 hours etc etc etc

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MrBeanpod: TIFU and I take the cake I called my wife fat. jerrybob: Well what does she expect when each of her ass cheeks has its own zip code? MrBeanpod: Well fair point. But the sofa is starting to hurt my back.

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drunkenporn: Tifu Drunken porn fest resulted in the bank calling my house and talking to my Dad.... Yup. So I like wine... A lot. The other night I decided to drink about a bottle... Had a cigar and I was feeling great. In my eventual stupor I thought I'd find a little something to look at before I went to bed. The shiny pop ups clouded my judgment and I offered up my credit card to the internet gods a few times mind you because I couldn't quite figure out how to make it work. Ok, not a super big deal at this point.... Fast forward to the next day. Apparently I used two different email addresses for two different sites- two to three times each. I deal with them and get them cancelled and no one is the wiser. Out that afternoon looking at apartments with my sister to get a frantic call from my father because the bank called regarding suspicious charges on my account. Now the entire family is concerned about my financial status and asking about what the bank wanted because "they don't call for nothing". I call, verify the charges and all is well. Also can say that the customer service at moviebox.com is friendly and will offer a discount when you try to cancel... I politely declined and cancelled the account. So there ya have it. My sister got a kick out of my stupidity so I thought I would share with reddit. sleepyafrican: www.pornhub.com is your friend FelineTamer: 2012 still using pornhub lolno. [deleted]: What do you use? malachymac95: Don't listen to that fool, xnxx.com is what you want. SO MANY TAGS! SO MUCH VARIETY! [deleted]: Dat blue backround. malachymac95: I find it comforting, somewhat homely. No other sites feel the same. darthelmo: So..you like *unattractive* porn....