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“Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.”

Stephenie Meyer,

“Grabbing a scarf off the chair, I threw it at him. He caught it, clutching it to his chest as he flew into the air. "You gave Tink a scarf. Tink is free!" He flew out into the hallway like a little cracked-out fairy, screeching, "Tink is freeeeee!"Ren looked at me. "What the actual f**k?"I sighed. "He's obsessed with Harry Potter. I'm sorry."Tink darted back into the room, holding the scarf to his bare chest. "There is no reason to apologize when it comes to Harry Potter.""You do remember what happened to Dobby, right?" I said."S**t." Tink's eyes widened and he dropped the scarf.”

Jennifer L. Armentrout,

“Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.”

Jim Butcher,

“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.”

Hedy Lamarr

“It’s always been this way. There were rumors about me even before I was born. It’s why my mother never calls me Sobachka. She says it makes me sound like a mongrel.”My heart gave a little pang at that. I’d been called plenty of names growing up.“I like mongrels,” I said. “They have cute floppy ears.”“My ears are very dignified.”

Leigh Bardugo,

“Huh, another queen,” Puck mused, an evil grin crossing his face. “Maybe we should drop in and introduce ourselves, ice-boy. Do the whole, hey, we were just in the neighborhood, and we were just wondering if you had any plans to take over the Nevernever. Have a fruit basket.”

Julie Kagawa,

“Gaia visited her daughter Mnemosyne, who was busy being unpronounceable.”

Stephen Fry,

“When a window is opened up from the inside for you to climb through, then that window isn't there to be climbed through by you”

jimmy tudeski,

“I sat on the bed. Neither of us said anything. I wasn't slick and sophisticated enough for this. What do you say to boyfriend A when he finds you naked in the bed of boyfriend B? Especially if boyfriend A turned into a monster the night before and ate someone. I bet Miss Manners didn't cover this at all.”

Laurell K. Hamilton,

“Honestly, Clary, if you don't start utilizing a bit of your natural feminine superiority I just don't know what I'll do with you.”

Cassandra Clare,

“Here," Myrnin said, his voice still gentle and low. "Amelie said you had to work. No one said you had to work alone." He picked up the next part and slotted it in, took the screwdriver from Claire's numbed fingers, and fastened it with a couple of deft, fast movements. "I'll be your hands."She wanted to cry, because it was so sweet, but it wouldn't do any good.”

Rachel Caine,

“Please tell me this is easier to take off than it was to put on.”Calla raised a brow. “You do not think Master Kell knows how?”

V.E. Schwab,

“Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, "Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.”

Rachel Caine,

“Why would I go looking for someone I know wants to kill me?”

J.K. Rowling,

“Isn’t it so weird how the number of dead people is increasing even though the earth stays the same size, so that one day there isn’t going to be room to bury anyone anymore? For my ninth birthday last year, Grandma gave me a subscription to National Geographic, which she calls “the National Geographic.” She also gave me a white blazer, because I only wear white clothes, and it’s too big to wear so it will last me a long time. She also gave me Grandpa’s camera, which I loved for two reasons. I asked why he didn’t take it with him when he left her. She said, “Maybe he wanted you to have it.” I said, “But I was negative-thirty years old.” She said, “Still.” Anyway, the fascinating thing was that I read in National Geographic that there are more people alive now than have died in all of human history. In other words, if everyone wanted to play Hamlet at once, they couldn’t, because there aren’t enough skulls!”

Jonathan Safran Foer

“She handed him a glass of water and two Aleve gelcaps. “They’re anti-inflammatories. They will dull the pain a little bit and keep down swelling and redness. Swallow the pills, don’t chew.”“Well, I thought I’d stick them into my nose and impersonate a walrus, but if you insist, I’ll swallow them.”

Ilona Andrews,

“Scrawny? Baby, I invented scrawny. Scrawny is the new sizzling hot.”

Rick Riordan,

“It's not called being gay, it's called being fabulous!”

PewDiePie

“This isn't a Christmas special! This is my life. In the real world, miracles and goodness just don't happen.”

Richelle Mead,

“I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald.”

Nicole McKay,

“And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.”

George Eliot,

“I know I'm delicious. Nummy.....nummy.-Vlad”

Jeaniene Frost,

“Hey, yummy leather guy? Can you hear me? (Amanda)”

Sherrilyn Kenyon,

“What if I was the sexual equivalent of popcorn? Suitable for light snacking only?”

Rachel Vincent,

“The Friday before winter break, my mom packed me an overnight bag and a few deadly weapons and took me to a new boarding school.”

Rick Riordan,

“Otis," I said."Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis.""I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.”

Rick Riordan,

“girlsplease give yourbodies and yourlivestothe young menwhodeserve thembesidesthere isno wayI would welcometheintolerabledullsenseless hellyou would bringmeandI wish youluckin bedandoutbut notinminethankyou.”

Charles Bukowski,

“No,” he muttered, running a hand through his copper hair. “No. No. There are dozens.”“Kell?” she asked, moving to touch his arm.He shook her off. “Dozens of ships, Lila! And you had to climb aboard his.”“I’m sorry,” she shot back, bristling, “I was under the impression that I was free to do as I pleased.”“To be fair,” added Alucard, “I think she was planning to steal it and slit my throat.”“Then why didn’t you?” snarled Kell, spinning on her. “You’re always so eager to slash and stab, why couldn’t you have stabbed him?”

V.E. Schwab,

“Be careful you don't cut yourself. The edges are sharp enough to shave with.''Girls don't shave', Arya said.'Maybe they should. Have you ever seen the septa's legs?”

George R.R. Martin,

“I had an uneventful few days," it told her. "The most exciting thing was an hour-long lecture from the headmaster on taking our studies seriously. He said next year's exam will arrive sooner than we think.""No, they won't," Valkyrie said, frowning. "They'll arrive next year, exactly when we expect them.""That's what I told him," the reflection nodded. "I don't think he's comfortable with logic, because he didn't look happy. He sent me to the Career Guidance counsellor, who asked me what I wanted to do after college."Valkyrie stowed her black clothes. "What did you say?""I told her I wanted to be a Career Guidance counsellor. She started crying, then accused me of mocking her. I told her if she wasn't happy in her job then she should look at other options, then pointed out that I was already doing her job better than she was. She gave me detention.”

Derek Landy,

“I'm about as intimidating as a butterfly.”

Dan Howell

“I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk.”

Criss Jami,

“My brother spent a large portion of the agonizingly slow drive to school banging his forehead on the stearing wheel.”

Michelle Hodkin,

“Stick your dick in’?” I asked, my brows probably touching. “Did you actually just say that?” “Make love. I meant make love … of course. I would never just stick my dick in you. I would make mad, passionate love to this sweet, sweet body of yours for days, no, weeks. It would be beautiful, pumpkin. There’d be little angels, and birdies, and you know … all just hanging around, watching. Perverts.”

Kylie Scott,

“The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies.”

Criss Jami,

“You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.”

Cynthia Hand,

“Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.”

Mark Twain

“America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.”

Stephen Colbert,

“When I was alive, I mean the first time, Mussolini was in charge. We were at war.”“Mussolini?” Leo frowned. “Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?”

Rick Riordan,

“Oliver laughed - actually laughed."I like this new Claire," he said. "You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin. She's interesting when she's forthright."Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the finger. Which made him laugh again, shake his head, and walk up the steps.”

Rachel Caine,

“Emergency Valve Regulators," she repeated. "So you do know what your doing?"Not really," he said yanking another wire. 'I made up that term to keep you happy. I'm just pulling all the red wires because they're the pretty ones.”

Derek Landy,

“Breckin shrugs. “I’m new here. And if you haven’t deducted from my impeccable fashion sense, I think it’s safe to say that I’m…” he leans forward and cups his hand to his mouth in secrecy. “Mormon,” he whispers.”

Colleen Hoover,

“My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”

Chelsea Handler,

“And she says, “Then let’s just take the effing road and get ourselves to Haven.”I smile, a little. “You said effing,” I say. “You actually said the word effing.”

Patrick Ness,

“*Appendix usually means "small outgrowth from large intestine," but in this case it means "additional information accompanying main text." Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book.”

Pseudonymous Bosch,

“If you’re listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday.I’d like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun—I’m afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.”

Rick Riordan,

“I guess I can't blame him for feeling bitter. Going from being the terror of Bulgarian nights to a janitor would kinda suck”

Kiersten White,

“Promise me, Amelie, that you’ll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love.”“I hardly think there’s any chance of that,” Amelie said. "I doubt you have the capacity.”

Rachel Caine,

“No headboards were broken.”

John Green,

“Log Entry: SOL 118My conversation with NASA about the Water Reclaimer was boring and riddled with technical details. So I'll paraphrase for you:Me: "This is obviously a clog. How about I take it apart and check the internal tubing?"NASA: (After about 5 hours of deliberation) "No. You'll fuck it up and die."So I took it apart.”

Andy Weir,

“I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.”

David Sedaris,

“June laughs. "I have to say, you look better than most people I see. I've heard a lot about you.""I hear about you a lot too," Eden replies in a rush, "mostly from Daniel. He thinks you're really hot.”

Marie Lu,

“Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record.”

Lemony Snicket

“Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.”

Bauvard,

“...you don't care because you're all that and I'm just an artery in a dress. ”

Jeaniene Frost,

“Thou art a very ragged Wart.”

William Shakespeare,

“Dude. Hot Bozo. Best nickname ever.”

Cynthia Hand,

“It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it.”

Francine Pascal,

“Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.”

Graham Parke,

“I wish I knew how to quit you, Tumblr.”

John Green

“How art thou out of breath when thou hast breathTo say to me that thou art out of breath?”

William Shakespeare,

“The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.”

Maria V. Snyder,

“Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!”

Ilona Andrews,

“I rolled my eyes. “I feel like a zoo animal.”Travis watched me for a moment, noted those staring, and then stood up. “I CAN’T!” he yelled. I stared in awe as the entire room jerked their heads in his direction. Travis bobbed his head a couple of times to a beat in his head.Shepley closed his eyes. “Oh, no.”Travis smiled. “get no….sa…tis…faction,” he sang, “I can’t get no….sat-is-fac-tion. ‘Cuz I’ve tried…and I’ve tried…and I’ve tried…and I’ve tried…,” he climbed onto the table as everyone stared, “I CAN’T GET NO!”He pointed to the football players at the end of the table and they smiled, “I CAN’T GET NO!” they yelled in unison. The whole room clapped to the beat, then.Travis’ sang into his fist, “When I’m drivin’ in my car, and a man comes on the…ra-di-o…he’s tellin’ me more and more…about some useless in-for-ma-tion! Supposed to fire my im-agin-a-tion! I CAN’T GET NO!”

Jamie McGuire,

“Miss Vida" Liam said "has anyone never told you that you are positively the whipped cream on the sundae of life?"She glared at him."Anyone ever told you your head is shaped like a pencil?""That is physically impossible," Chubs groused."He'd be__""Actually Liam began, "Cole once did try to__ What?""Oh,I'm sorry," Chubs said, "apparently the middle of my sentence interrupted the beginning of yours. Do continue.”

Alexandra Bracken,

“A totally nondenominational prayer: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that I be forgiven for anything I may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.  Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible benefit for which I may be eligible after the destruction of my body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen.”

Roger Zelazny,

“Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.
”

Dark Jar Tin Zoo,

“Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!”

Ransom Riggs,

“The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.”

Bauvard,

“What?" she asked again.He pointed ahead of them. "See that?""What, the snow?""Beyond that.""More snow?""Stop looking at the snow.”

Derek Landy,

“You mean she doesn’t intend to blow me up before the ceremony?” said Kai, taking the box. “How disappointing.”

Marissa Meyer,

“Shh." I squeeze his hand. His palm feels clammy. "We have to keep it down, okay? We don't want my dad coming in."He grits his teeth against more shivers. "Always knew I'd end up in your bed . . . and hear you say those words one day." He manages a smirk.Jeb snarls. "Unbelievable. Even when he's at death's door he's a tool." He arranges a pillow beneath Morpheus's neck. "Why don't you keep your mouth shut while we help you."Morpheus laughs weakly, his skin flashing with blue light. "What say Alyssa"--his breath rattles--"give my mouth something else to do?”

A.G. Howard,

“So,” sneered Fudge, recovering himself, “you intend to take on Dawlish, Shacklebolt, Dolores, and myself single-handed, do you, Dumbledore?”“Merlin’s beard, no,” said Dumbledore, smiling. “Not unless you are foolish enough to force me to.”“He will not be single-handed!” said Professor McGonagall loudly, plunging her hand inside her robes.“Oh yes he will, Minerva!” said Dumbledore sharply. “Hogwarts needs you!”

J.K. Rowling,

“Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?”

P.C. Cast

“Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding”

Jesse Andrews,

“There was a small wooden gazebo built out over the water; Isabelle was sitting in it, staring out across the lake. She looked like a princess in a fairy tale, waiting at the top of her tower for someone to ride up and rescue her. Not that traditional princess behavior was like Isabelle at all. Isabelle with her whip and boots and knives would chop anyone who tried to pen her up in a tower into pieces, build a bridge out of the remains, and walk carelessly to freedom, her hair looking fabulous the entire time.”

Cassandra Clare

“Bite me, Goth princess,” Shane called from the back. “Not literally or anything.”“Maybe you should say that to Michael.”“Not funny, Eve,” Michael said.Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. “Little bit,” she said.”

Rachel Caine,

“He’s not that smart.”“She’s right,” Augustus says. “It’s just that most really good-looking people are stupid, so I exceed expectations.”“Right, it’s primarily his hotness.”“It can be sort of blinding,” he said.“It actually did blind our friend Isaac.”“Terrible tragedy, that. But can I help my own deadly beauty?”“You cannot.”“It is my burden, this beautiful face.”“Not to mention your body.”“Seriously, don’t even get me started on my hot bod. You don’t want to see me naked, Dave. Seeing me naked actually took Hazel Grace’s breath away,” he said, nodding toward the oxygen tank.”

John Green,

“I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career.”

Bauvard,

“Well,” said the frog, “what are you going to do about it?”“Marrying Therandil? I don’t know. I’ve tried talking to my parents, but they won’t listen, and neither will Therandil.”“I didn’t ask what you’d said about it,” the frog snapped. “I asked what you’re going to do. Nine times out of ten, talking is a way of avoiding doing things.”

Patricia C. Wrede,

“That’s us,” he said. “Those five nuts right there.”Which one is me?” I asked.The little deformed one,” Zoe suggested.Oh, shut up.”

Rick Riordan,

“Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here.”

Moira Young,

“It was an emergency!" Seth blurted. "Read my lips - emergency reading - not some demented idea of fun. If I was starving, I would eat asparagus. If somebody held a gun to my head, I would watch a soap opera. And to save Fablehaven, I would read a book, okay, are you happy?"You had best be careful, Seth," Grandma warned. "The love of reading can be contagious."I just lost my appetite," he declared...”

Brandon Mull

“His eyebrows pulled in. “You won’t leave me, right? Even when I’m a pain in the ass?”“I vowed in front of God – and Elvis – that I wouldn’t, didn’t I?”

Jamie McGuire,

“Are you two you know?" Jacob pointed at us. " Together? Together? " I didn't get a chance to answer. Cam spun me around and kissed me, right there between the two buildings. It was no friendly peck on the lips. When our tongues touched, my bag slipped off my arm and hit the frosted ground."Holy crap," Jacob muttered. "I think they're going to make babies.”

Jennifer L. Armentrout,

“The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.”

Robert Conquest

“Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.”

Groucho Marx

“He was gorgeous, and I absolutely, no question, had to be drooling. After a quick and hopefully stealthy check – big show, I wasn’t!- I found myself wonder what color his eyes were. Brown maybe. Or even hazel. Either way…wow, just wow. Deer? Headlights? Hi, I’m Ali.”

Gena Showalter,

“His fingers lightly grazed my cheek. "I didn't know you before. When you're not there, I can't concentrate. I'm wondering where you are, what you're doing...if you're there and I can see you, I can see you, I can focus. I know it's crazy, but that's how it is." "And crazy is exactly the way I like it," I said, leaning up to kiss his lips."Obviously," America muttered under breath.”

Jamie McGuire,

“I certainly hadn't expected to walk away from today's trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon.”

Richelle Mead,

“I'm tired, I'm hungry and I have a head in a bag," I warned him. "Do not fuck with me.”

Karen Chance,

“Are you okay?" I (Cassie) call up to him."Um. Define okay." (Ben)"Okay means you're not bleeding to death.""I'm okay.”

Rick Yancey,

“I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.
”

Dark Jar Tin Zoo,

“You can read minds, and you didn't tell me?” Link stared at me like he just found out I was the Silver Surfer. He rubbed his head nervously. “Hey, man, all that stuff about Lena? I was yankin’ your chain.” He looked away. “Are you doin’ it now? You're doin’ it, aren't you? Dude, get out of my head.” He backed away from me and into the bookshelf.“I can't read your mind, you idiot.”

Kami Garcia,

“But there's a juicy artery in your groin," he said after a pause to regroup, his voice as slithery as a snake on a slide."Don't you talk dirty," I told him. "I won't listen to that.”

Charlaine Harris,

“He and the girl had almost nothing to say to each other. One thing he did say was, 'I ain't got any tattoo on my back.''What you got on it?' the girl said.'My shirt,' Parker said. 'Haw.''Haw, haw,' the girl said politely.”

Flannery O'Connor,

“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally shit myself lifeless.”

Bill Bryson,

“Who cares even if I didn't?!" Conor shouted back. "They're just stupid berries. Woo-hoo, so scary. Oh, please, please, save me from the berries!"The monster looked at him quizzically. How strange, it said. The words you say tell me you are scared of the berries, but your actions seems to suggest otherwise.”

Patrick Ness,

“Never try to understand the students. They hate it. They would much rather be tragically misunderstood, wallow in self-pity, stew in their own —”“That’s enough, Phineas,” said Dumbledore.”

J.K. Rowling,

“What the hell is wrong with you, man? I thought we were cool.”“We were,” Warner says icily. “Until you touched my hair.”“You asked me to give you a haircut—”“I said nothing of the sort! I asked you to trim the edges!”“And that’s what I did.”“This,” Warner says, spinning around so I might inspect the damage, “is not trimming the edges, you incompetent moron—”I gasp. The back of Warner’s head is a jagged mess of uneven hair; entire chunks have been buzzed off.”

Tahereh Mafi,