Datasets:

Khalida1w

/

funny_quotes

like 8

“I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.”

Zsa Zsa Gabor

“They call me, The Sharkalator”

James Patterson

“She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot.”

Sarah Mayberry,

“Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--”

Rachel Hawkins,

“Dogs have their day but cats have 365.”

Lilian Jackson Braun,

“The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.”

Flannery O'Connor,

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.”

Sam Levenson

“The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.”

Galileo Galilei

“Married?" she practically screeched, not sounding all that pleased, which left him feeling a little offended. "We're not getting married."He snorted at that. "I may have let you have your naughty little way with me for the past couple of months, but that doesn't mean I'm going to allow you to keep treating me like some dirty little boy toy. If you want to live with me then I expect you to put a ring on my finger," he said, holding up his left hand and wiggling his ring finger to punctuate his words.”

R.L. Mathewson,

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”

Groucho Marx

“In Lucy's eyes, a penis that doesn't grow, is a very ungrateful penis.”

Jimmy Tudeski,

“Simon!" Clary shouted, and seized his arm. "What?" Simon looked alarmed."I'm not really sleeping with your mom, you know. I was just trying to get your attention. Not that your mom isn't a very attractive woman, for her age.”

Cassandra Clare,

“You know how teachers tell you the magic word is 'please'? That's not true. The magic word is 'puke'. It will get you out of class faster than anything else.”

Rick Riordan,

“Two seconds later, the sound of an alarm filled my ears. ''What did you do?'' I said over the noise as he backed up towards the bathroom door. ''The girl who gave you the note?''''Yes...''''I caught her staring at my lighter.''I blinked. ''You gave a child, in a psych ward , a lighter?''His eyes crinkled at the corners. ''She seemed trustworthy.''''You're sick,'' I said, but smiled.''Hey, nobody's perfect. '' Noah smiled back.”

Michelle Hodkin,

“The cord pulled taut and she rebounded, flying back up before falling again. As her velocity slowed, she opened her eyes and found herself dangling at the end of the cord, about five feet above Jace. He was grinning. "Nice," he said. "As graceful as a falling snowflake.""Was I screaming?" She asked, genuinely curious. "You know, on the way down."He nodded. "Thankfully no one's home, or they would have assumed I was murdering you.""Ha. You can't even reach me." She kicked out a leg and spun lazily in midair. Jace's eyes glinted. "Want to bet?"Clary knew that expression. "No," she said quickly. "Whatever you're going to do-"But he'd already done it. When Jace moved fast, his individual movements were almost invisible. She saw his hand go to his belt, and then something flashed in the air. She heard the sound of parting fabric as the cord above her head was sheared through. Released, she fell freely, too surprised to scream- directly into Jace's arms. The force knocked him backward, and they sprawled together onto one of the padded floor mats, Clary on top of him. He grinned up at her."Now," he said, "that was much better. You didn't scream at all.""I didn't get the chance." She was breathless, and not just from the impact of the fall. Being sprawled on top of Jace, feeling his body against hers, made her hands shake and her heart beat faster.”

Cassandra Clare,

“Why are you wearing a T-shirt under your other T-shirt?" Livvy asked."In case one of them is stolen," Marked said, as it were entirely normal.”

Cassandra Clare,

“I want to make a memorial for our turkey. Never has a bird been so tortured to provide such a lousy dinner.”

Laurie Halse Anderson,

“There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about.”

Criss Jami,

“I was washing the dishes and the sneaky bastard crept up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. And kissed me. Right here.” I pointed angrily to my neck. “Can I not have him committed or something?”Dr. Pritchard snorted. “For loving you?”I drew back, shaking my head in disgust. “Dr. Pritchard,” I admonished softly. “Whose side are you on?”“Braden’s.”

Samantha Young,

“Who says you can’t be cute and kick ass at the same time?” Kenji winks at me. “I do it every day.”

Tahereh Mafi,

“She felt one thousand years old. She also felt like maybe she was a condescending brat. She wanted her bike. She wanted her friends, who were also one-thousand-year-old condescending brats. She wanted to live in a world where she was surrounded by one-thousand-year-old condescending brats.”

Maggie Stiefvater,

“How are you feeling?"I leaned away from him. "Gross."Aiden frowned. "Gross?""I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don't come near me."He laughed. "Alex, come on.""Seriously, I'm gross." I put my hand over my mouth.Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. "You're as beautiful as always, Alex."I stared at him. He must not get out much.”

Jennifer L. Armentrout,

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, the middle one is for you.”

Gena Showalter,

“She came awake, stomach rumbling, and opened her eyes to see a plate being held right under her nose. When she reached for it, Shane snatched it back. 'Nuh-uh. Mine.''Share!' she demanded.'Man, you are one grabby girlfriend.'She grinned. It always made her feel so fiercly warm inside to hear him say that- the girlfriend part, not the grabby part. 'If you love me, you'll give me a taco.''Seriously? That's all you got? What about you'll do sexy, illegal things to me for a taco?''Not for a taco,' she said. 'I'm not cheap.''They're brisket tacos.''Now you're talking.”

Rachel Caine,

“It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen.”

Philip K. Dick

“Normal? I'm not normal enough for you?" Carlos says. "You want this guy instead? Did you notice his hair doesn't move? That's not normal. You want to date him again, go ahead. Hell, if you want to marry him and be Kiara Barra the rest of your life, be my guest.""That's not want I--""I don't want to hear it. Hasta," Carlos says, ignoring me and walking away.I feel my face heat in embarrassment as I look at Michael. "Sorry. Carlos can he abrasive sometimes.""Don't apologize. The guy obviously has major issues and, for the record, my hair moves... when I want it to.”

Simone Elkeles,

“I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would agree to treat gravity as a law, rather than one of a number of suggested options.”

Neil Gaiman,

“Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child.”

Anthony Horowitz,

“Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war.""The plant war," Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?”

Rick Riordan,

“Zoey~ 'Listen to me, whinning about money and a scarf. Ah, hell! I'm starting to sound like Aphrodite.'Stark~ 'If you turn into Aprodite I'm going to stab myself.'Zoey~ 'If I turn into Aprodite, stab me first.'Stark~ 'Deal.'Zoey~ 'Deal.”

P.C. Cast &Kristin Cast,

“My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.”

Darynda Jones,

“Whatever it is," I said, "the point is moot because as long as I'm on these pills, I can't make contact to ask."Derek ... snapped, "Then you need to stop taking the pills."Love to. If I could. But after what happened last night, they're giving me urine tests now."Ugh. That's harsh." Simon went quiet, then snapped his fingers.Hey, I've got an idea. It's kinda gross, but what if you take the pills, crush them and mix them with your, you know, urine."Derek stared at him.What?"You did pass chem last year, didn't you?"Simon flipped him the finger. "Okay, genius, what's your idea?"I'll think about it. ..."***Here," Derek whispered, pressing an empty Mason jar into my hand. He'd pulled me aside after class and we were now standing at the base of the boy's staircase. "Take this up to your room and hide it."It's a ... jar."He grunted, exasperated that I was so dense I failed to see the critical importance of hiding an empty Mason jar in my room.It's for your urine."My what?"He rolled his eyes, a growl-like sound sliding through his teeth ashe leaned down, closer to my ear. "Urine. Pee. Whatever. For the testing."I lifted the jar to eye level. "I think they'll give me somethingsmaller."...You took your meds today, right?" he whispered.I nodded.Then use this jar to save it."Save . . . ?"Your urine. If you give them some of today's tomorrow, it'll seem like you're still taking your meds."You want me to . . . dole it out? Into specimen jars?"Got a better idea?"Um, no, but ..." I lifted the jar and stared into it.Oh, for God's sake. Save your piss. Don't save your piss. It's all the same to me."Simon peeked around the corner, brows lifted. "I was going to ask what you guys were doing, but hearing that, I think I'll pass.”

Kelley Armstrong,

“Don't look now, but that's my ex over there."Surely I'm not the only one who takes "don't look now" as "there's no better time than now." I looked."Bad, Ali!" Another slap to my arm. "Bad, bad, bad Ali! Have you no self control?”

Gena Showalter,

“All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.”

Will Rogers

“The shortest horror story:The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.”

Frederic Brown

“Anthony Bridgerton leaned back in his leather chair,and then announced, "I'm thinking about getting married."Benedict Bridgerton, who had been indulging in a habit his mother detested—tipping his chair drunkenly on the back two legs—fell over.Colin Bridgerton started to choke.Luckily for Colin, Benedict regained his seat with enough time to smack him soundly on the back, sending a green olive sailing across the table.It narrowly missed Anthony's ear.”

Julia Quinn,

“Kaz reached into his coat pocket. "Here," he said and handed Jesper a slender book with an elaborate cover."Are we going to read to each other?""Just flip it open to the back."Jesper opened the book and peered at the last page, puzzled. "So?""Hold it up so we don't have to look at your ugly face.""My face has character. Besides - oh!""An excellent read, isn't it?""Who knew I had a taste for literature?”

Leigh Bardugo,

“Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me.”Natalya hissed, “Are you mad?”“What’s she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We’ve got a pact to fulfill,remember?” To Dorada, she cried, “Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here.”Regin kicked the glass. “Lemme the fuck out—”La Dorada swung her head around,peering at Regin with her one eye.“Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious.”

Kresley Cole,

“I snuck a look to see how Eric was taking this, and he was staring at me the same way the Monroe vampires had. Thoughtful. Hungry."That's interesting," he said. "I had a psychic once. It was incredible.""Did the psychic think so?”

Charlaine Harris,

“You have no finesse,” a gambler at the Silver Garter once said to him. “No technique.”“Sure I do,” Kaz had responded. “I practice the art of ‘pull his shirt over his head and punch till you see blood.”

Leigh Bardugo,

“You'll blow up a helicopter, but you won't go out with me? What is wrong with you?”

Meg Cabot,

“Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.”

John Callahan

“I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.”

Jon Stewart

“If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.”

George Carlin

“I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?”

Eoin Colfer,

“Too bad. Family members hit you by accident. Psychopathic whores tend to come back for more.”

Richelle Mead,

“Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man.”

Louis C.K.

“Wow. What'd he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn't set the building on fire in the first place.”

Richelle Mead,

“Gundar seemed to come to a decision. "Well, as my old mam used to say, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's probably a duck." "Very wise," Halt said. "And what exactly do your mother's words of wisdom have to do with this situation?" Gundar shrugged. "It looks like a channel. It's the right place for a channel. If I were digging one, this is where I'd dig a channel. So. . ." "So it's probably the channel?" Selethen said. Gundar grinned at him. "Either that or it's a duck.”

John Flanagan,

“If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged”

Terry Pratchett,

“You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab."Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it!”

Rachel Caine,

“He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?" "Like what?""Like hitting on you.""Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way." Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee."What? You think he does?""Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood.""Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?""Not enough coffee.”

Rachel Caine,

“St. Clair gets a crush on Anna. He's torn between her and Ellie, and he spends so much time running between them that he hardly has time left for Josh. And the more time that Josh spends alone, the more he realizes how alone he actually is. All of his friends will be gone the next year. Josh grows increasingly antagonistic toward school, which makes Rashmi increasingly antagonistic toward him, which makes him increasingly antagonistic toward her. And she's upset because Elie dropped her as a friend, and Meredith is upset because now St. Clair likes two girls who aren't her, and Anna is upset because St. Clair is leading her on, and then St. Clair's mom gets cancer. It's a freaking soap opera.”

Stephanie Perkins,

“Dee loves it here. Before you came, she spent most of her days here."To Daemon, my arrival was the beginning of the end. The apocalypse. Kat-mageddon. "You know, I'm not going to get your sister in trouble.""We'll see.”

Jennifer L. Armentrout,

“Raffin appeared again, a floor above her, on the balconied passageway that ran past his workrooms. He leaned over the railing and called down to her. "Kat!""What is it?""You look lost . Have you forgotten the way to your rooms?""I'm stalling.""How long will you be? I'd like to show you a couple of my new discoveries.""I've been told to make myself pretty for dinner."He grinned. "Well in that case, you'll be ages."His face dissolved into laughter, and she tore a button from one of her bags an hurled it at him. He squealed and dropped to the floor, and the button hit the wall right where he'd been standing. When he peeked back over the railing, she stood in the courtyard with her hands on her hips, grinning. "I missed on purpose," she said."Show off! Come if you have time." He waved, and turned into his rooms.”

Kristin cashore,

“মিথ্যা হলো শয়তানের বিয়ের মন্ত্র। মিথ্যা বললেই শয়তানের বিয়ে হয়। বিয়ে হওয়া মানেই সন্তান-সন্ততি হওয়া। একটা মিথ্যার পর আরো অনেকগুলি মিথ্যা বলতে হয় এই কারণেই।পরের মিথ্যাগুলি শয়তানের সন্তান।”

Humayun Ahmed,

“Shane dragged Eve's suitcase into the room and dumped it on the floor beside her bed. “Hey, Dark Princess? Here’s your crap. Also, bite me.”

Rachel Caine,

“To ugly ducklings everywhere,Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They'll never get to be swans”

Zoë Marriott,

“Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed and cry," Archer offered.”

Rachel Hawkins,

“What do you think? Does this face make me look fat?”

Kiersten White,

“Shouldn't someone give a pep talk or something?' Minho asked..."Go ahead," Newt replied.Minho nodded and faced the crowd. 'Be careful,' he said dryly. 'Don't die.'Thomas would have laughed if he could, but he was too scared for it to come out.'Great. We're all bloody inspired,' Newt answered.”

James Dashner,

“Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK.- Jane”

J.R. Ward,

“Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.”

Lili St. Crow

“I'm a little bit naked, but that's okay.”

Lady Gaga

“The Ultimate Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is...42!”

Douglas Adams,

“A pause followed my greeting. Then “We’re watching you ” whispered the voice on the other end.“Yeah? Did you see what I did with my keys? ”Silence. Then dial tone.These younger demons. So easily discouraged.”

Josh Lanyon,

“People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.”

Terry Pratchett,

“Are you in a suit?" I managed at last, my voice choking up. "You didn’t have to dress up for me.""Quiet, Sage," he said. "I’ll make the hilarious one-liners during this daring rescue.”

Richelle Mead,

“And while my mind is telling me I'm flirting with her just to prove a point, my body wants to play "you show me your perky privates and I'll show you mine.”

Simone Elkeles,

“Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.”

Christopher Moore,

“It's funny. No matter how hard you try, you can't close your heart forever. And the minute you open it up, you never know what's going to come in. But when it does, you just have to go for it! Because if you don't, there's not point in being here.”

Kirstie Alley

“I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.”

Katie McGarry,

“I'm having a panic attack, you inconsiderate ass.”

Tahereh Mafi,

“Apparently the complete works of Shakespeare packed quite a wallop. To think, my mother said I'd never find use for an English degree. Ha! I'd like to see her knock someone silly with an apron and a cookie press.”

Rachel Vincent,

“May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch”

Keisha Keenleyside

“When I was growing up we didn't have a massive house and there were five women running around, so my dad and I had to stick together!”

Louis Tomlinson,

“I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.”

Michael Summers,

“What did you tell them?”“I don't recall. I think I mentioned your discipline and ability to follow orders. I may have said something about you being a team player.”Derek emitted a strangled cough.“Why?” I demanded.“It seemed like a good idea at the time.” Curran resumed hammering.“I'm sorry,” I said into the phone, sticking me finger into my other ear so I could hear. “His Majesty tends to exaggerate things. I'm not a team player. I'm undisciplined and I have a problem with authority. Also, the Beast Lord can't hammer for shit.”On the roof Derek was laughing his head off.”

Ilona Andrews,

“I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?”

Ellen DeGeneres,

“This is America. We’re entitled to our opinions.”“Wrong. This is Texas. And my opinion is the only one that counts.”

Susan Elizabeth Phillips,

“I love how you still think if you tell me to do something, I'll just check my brain at the door and do it.”

C.J. Redwine,

“Mussolini?” Leo frowned. “Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?”

Rick Riordan,

“Myrnin, who hadn't said much, suddenly reached out and wrapped his arms around her. She stiffened, shocked, and for a panicked second wondered whether he'd suddenly decided to snack on her neck... but it was just a hug. His body felt cold against hers, and way too close, but then he let go and stepped back. "You've done very well. I'm extremely proud of you," he said. There was a touch of color high in his pale cheeks. "Do go home now. And shower. You reek like the dead."Which, coming from a vampire, was pretty rich.”

Rachel Caine,

“You okay?""Fine.""Your heart's beating really fast.""Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it."He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff."Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble.""You sound like Shane.""Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck.""Liar.”

Rachel Caine,

“She moved like water, graceful and soft and lovely. Every part of me wanted to stick out my foot and trip her, just to see her stumble.”

Cassandra Rose Clarke,

“Legion hissed like a startled cat, the noise scraping at Reyes’s skin. “Me no boy. You think me a boy?”Everyone stopped, stared. Even Aeron.Reyes was the first to find his voice. “You’re a…girl?”A nod. “Me pretty.”“Yes, you are.” Reyes exchanged a glance with Lucien. “Beautiful.”

Gena Showalter,

“You knocked the door down." Disbelief rang in his matter-of-fact tone. "I know," she answered,unable to say anything else. Unable to look away from his body."But it's solid oak.""I know." She felt the solid oak beneath her and a little shocked that she'd done it, too. If it mattered at all, her shoulder felt a little bruised. And it was the slight pain that brought some reality back into the moment. "You don't have any clothes on." Oh, God, did she really say that?”

C.C. Hunter,

“She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better.""Define BETTER with that guy.""Not all fangs and raaaaar.”

Rachel Caine,

“He flipped himself onto his side and kissed me. "You're so hot," I said, my hand still on his leg. "I'm starting to think you have an amputee fetish," he answered, still kissing me. I laughed."I have an Augustus Waters fetish," I explained.”

John Green,

“Me neither,” Shane put in. “Homie don’t play that.”“I wonder, sometimes, if your generation speaks English at all,” Amelie said.”

Rachel Caine,

“Mal snickered. "What's so funny?""I just pictured the Darkling being cornered by a sweaty duchess trying to have her way with him.”

Leigh Bardugo,

“It's funny how different people are. If I'd been this kid and someone was snarling "Ordering a pizza?" at me, without even thinking, I would have snarled back "Yeah. You want pepperoni?"-Maximum Ride”

James Patterson,

“Yeah, okay. You're right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steak, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I promised him I wouldn't tell. In exchange I asked him to gather his best undead buddies and stalk me through my friend's yard. And oh, yeah, it was totally fine if they wanted to use me as an all-night-dinner buffet, because having organs is SO last year.”

Gena Showalter,

“She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.”

Julia Quinn,

“This cat is looking at me with judgment.”“He’s not,” said Jules. “That’s just his face.”“You look at me the same way,” Mark said, glancing at Julian. “Judgy face.”

Cassandra Clare,

“I picked up the nearest weapon I could lay my hands on: a stapler. I lifted it, going for “menacing.” I admit it lacked a certain elegance, but hey. It was worth a shot. David placed his hand on my arm and pushed it back down.“What?”“Just . . . that’s embarrassing for all of us,” he replied.”

Rachel Hawkins,

“I apologized to her once for spending less time with her, but she blew it off. "You're in love. That makes you actually kind of boring to people who aren't in love. You know, the sane ones.”

Claudia Gray,

“If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for.”

Amit Kalantri

“Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.”

Shannon L. Alder

“Idiot.”“That fact is well established and adds nothing to the plot.”

Leigh Bardugo,