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JOB WOES

I cannot land my dream job role and the rejection is distressing

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29948299/dream-job-rejection-distress/

SINCE I was a child, I have always wanted to be a flight attendant but I can’t get a job no matter how hard I try. I am a 32-year-old man. I have applied so many times to all the airlines but I keep being rejected. I really have had enough. I am becoming more and more stressed and my anxiety has gone through the roof. Around three years ago I did work as cabin crew and it was the greatest time of my life but without any notice I failed my probation period. I was never off sick or late. I didn’t do anything to upset anyone so I don’t understand the reason why. At the moment I can’t apply for jobs because the constant rejection is so distressing. I really want to work. It has always been my ambition to have a job in the travel industry. I feel I am missing out on life and it is so unfair.

Constant rejection can be difficult, but keep applying for roles. There will be someone who will give you a chance. It is great that you are trying to pursue a career you’re passionate about. Perhaps speak to employers face to face, or attend industry networking events so they can see what you are like. It is worth asking for feedback when you miss out on jobs as this could strengthen your future applications. My support pack, Help For Job Seekers, has useful tips.

Confused

A threesome has made me question my sexuality

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29846804/threesome-questioning-sexuality/

I always considered myself to be a straight guy and previously only ever looked at and felt sexually attracted to women, but recent events have changed all that. I have had a few long-term girlfriends and I have a daughter from one of them. I am 37 and single. I have never fancied another guy but now I enjoy watching gay and bisexual porn. I recently had a threesome with my best mate and his girlfriend. We were all at a party and at the end of the night my mate suggested I go home with him and his girlfriend for a few more drinks. I agreed but didn’t expect to end up having a threesome with them during which I was intimate with my mate as well as his girlfriend. It was thrilling for me as I’ve never experienced this with another man before. Now I can’t stop replaying the events of that night and thinking of my mate is just as much of a turn on as his girlfriend. Still, I don’t feel that I’m attracted to guys, but I do enjoy sexual experiences with both genders. I was wondering if you would be able to tell me what my sexuality is because I am now very confused.

For many people, sexuality is a complicated thing and isn’t often as black and white as it may seem. It is possible you could be bisexual. Labelling yourself isn’t always helpful. Some people see themselves as definitely straight or gay, others feel somewhere in between. Sex with a man was exciting and arousing, and it sounds as though this has added a new dimension to your sexuality that you haven’t considered before. It will help to talk through your feelings with someone who understands. Contact Switchboard LGBT+ (www.switchboard.lgbt , 0800 0119 100). My support pack, Bisexual Questions, will help you think this through.

PUT DOWN

My wife humiliates me & is manipulating our children to turn against me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29948412/wife-emotional-abuse-manipulation-children/

MY WIFE is manipulating our children and turning them against me. It seems that now they are grown up she may want to separate. I’m 62 and my wife is 56. We’ve been married for 29 years and have two grown-up children. My wife has never had much of a sex drive and whenever I took the initiative she seemed almost indifferent. She has suffered with fibroids in her uterus in the past and while I’ve always been supportive I have had to sacrifice a sex life with her. We only really got physically intimate when she wanted to conceive. I’ve talked to her many times and asked her to see her doctor but she refused. It has caused us to argue so many times. Even our family and children know we argue about it and she jokes openly about me being “sex obsessed”. It is so frustrating and humiliating. Our children seem to be the only success in our marriage, but they always take their mum’s side. Now I feel she is trying to turn our children against me, knowing they will side with her. Previously, I have never thought about ­separating but she has started to mention it.

I’m sorry. Deliberately and publicly humiliating you in front of your family and your children is a form of emotional abuse. She is demeaning you by publicly calling you sex-obsessed. Your sex life is clearly a huge source of frustration for both of you. Her fibroids (solid non-cancerous tumours) are likely to cause her pain. Sex will put pressure on her, while you in turn feel rejected. Tell your wife how miserable you are and that you are considering leaving the relationship. She needs to know what is at risk. Consider sex and relationship therapy to find better understanding. My support pack How Counselling Can Help explains more.

Dear Deidre

My flirty colleague keeps sending unwanted sexual messages

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29830377/colleague-crossing-line-relationship/

A flirty colleague has started sending me unwanted explicit videos of herself. I’ve got a girlfriend so I was really shocked. I was tasked with training this woman when she first started in my team. She’s 23 and seemed really keen to get stuck into the job. I love my job, working for a charity which supports families who have been traumatised by crime. I’m a man of 36 and my girlfriend is 31. She’s been suspicious of my colleague right from the beginning but I always gave her the benefit of the doubt, thinking she was just being friendly. She’ll sometimes send a text over the weekend and ask what I’m doing. If she has a day off, she’ll text me saying, ‘Did you miss me?’My partner would get cross about it saying, “She’s so inappropriate. She’s crossing a line.” I’d tell her she was only joking. My colleague then bought me an expensive watch for my birthday. It was embarrassing to open it in front of everyone. I didn’t dare show it to my partner. My partner was asleep when the first video came through on my phone. It was of my colleague dancing in her underwear and then she took off her bra, gave a wiggle and blew me a kiss. I deleted it straight away. Since then she has sent nude images and explicit sexts. I’ve deleted them all. My partner has a lot of insecurities and is convinced I’ll leave her for this woman but I have zero interest. My colleague has been on annual leave this week and I haven’t heard a thing from her. My girlfriend has been like a different woman - so much happier. Still I’m dreading my colleague returning to work and I don’t know how to handle the situation.

There will always be situations at work which make you feel uncomfortable but rather than ignore them and hope they will go away, it’s much better to deal with them straight away. This trainee is behaving inappropriately, cyber flashing you and her behaviour amounts to sexual harassment. She must be told to stop. I would urge you to report her to your HR department and they should make provision to investigate your allegations and support you. If she sends any more inappropriate messages, you would be wise to keep them to prove your case. You can find further support through Acas (acas.org.uk, 0300 123 1100) which helps with any workplace issues.

Put down

My toilet woes are landing me in the dirt at work

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29846807/boss-embarrassed-me-colleagues/

My boss had a go at me in front of my colleagues because I went to the toilet. He made me feel like a scolded child even though I was gone for minutes. The store where I work has recently introduced a new rule where we have to let a manager know when we are leaving the shop floor, even to use the bathroom. I am a 26-year-old man. On this particular day there was no manager on the floor, so I went and got into trouble. In a six hour shift I may need to go two or three times because I have mild Irritable Bowel Syndrome which means I have to go quickly. The managers try to say you don’t have to ask to go to the toilet or stockroom but must simply inform them. But in my case if it’s urgent, there isn’t always time. It is really starting to stress me out. I am afraid this issue could result in me being dismissed, something I don’t need.

There is no employment law specifying the number of times or duration allowed for toilet breaks. If your employer is unaware of your medical condition then it would be best to tell them because employers have a duty to make reasonable adjustments in the workplace. However, they can only do this if they are aware of your condition and specific symptoms. You can find out more through the IBS Network (theibsnetwork.org, 0114 272 3253). (259 words).

Out of time

I'm nervous about spending time with my dying friend

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29865797/spend-time-dying-best-friend/

One of my oldest friends is dying, and I’m heartbroken. My wife and I would like to spend as much time with her as we can before it’s too late, but we don’t want to intrude on her family time or upset her husband. I’m a 49-year-old man, and my wife is 47. Our friend is only 48, as is her husband. We’ve known each other since college and have always been incredibly close, even going on holidays together. Despite being a non-smoker, who ate healthily and exercised, she was diagnosed with lung cancer last year. Unfortunately, the gruelling treatments didn’t work and now she’s in a hospice getting palliative care. She has weeks to live. We want to visit to keep her spirits up and let her know how much we care. Her husband says we can go anytime we like but we don’t want to get in the way of their remaining precious time together. How do we navigate this without upsetting anyone?

Your friend is so lucky to have caring, supportive and thoughtful people like you and your wife in her life. Death can make so many of us feel uncomfortable and unsure about how behave, but your friend has welcomed your involvement so it sounds as if they would like to see you. He’s probably exhausted and stressed. Why not message him, asking when the best times to visit are so you can give him a rest sometimes, and make sure she has company. Say you’d like to be there for him too, whenever he needs you. My support pack on Cancer may be useful for you to read.

ON EGGSHELLS

I made a joke about my friend and now he won't speak to me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29948347/joke-friend-wont-speak/

MY FRIEND hit the roof when I called him by a female name in a text. It was only a joke but I think our friendship is over as a result. He was so angry. I called him and apologised and said I didn’t mean it. He kept going on about it and became increasingly worked up, so eventually I said I thought he was over-reacting. He then told me that he didn’t want to see me any more and hung up. I’m a 32-year-old female. My friend is 44. We’ve been friends for a few years and try to meet at least once a month. His reaction has left me shaken. I secretly had feelings for him but I didn’t tell him, perhaps just as well after this. He always falls out with people for what seem to me quite trivial things. He seems very sensitive. I feel as though I’ve been treading on eggshells through our friendship.

Just because something is funny to one person, does not mean it can’t be interpreted as insulting by another. Saying it was a joke does not mean it cannot cause offence. Words matter and have consequences. However, you should not feel you have to tiptoe around him and watch what you say in order to keep him happy. If you can’t feel comfortable around him, it isn’t a healthy friendship. My support pack Rows With Friends explains more.

One true love

Do I tell my ex I still love him 45 years later?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29830382/ex-love-him-45-years-later/

Seeing my first love 45 years on since we broke up was a bolt out of the blue. All my feelings for him came flooding back. He is my brother’s best friend and when we were young I thought we’d spend our whole lives together. But then he joined the army and was posted abroad. We eventually drifted apart. We both met other people and married but my marriage hasn’t been a happy one. My brother was 65 when he passed away last year and I had to go to his friend’s address to break the news. He invited me in and I met his wife. He’s 66 and as soon as I saw him again, so many happy memories came flooding back. I’m a woman of 62 now and I’m plagued by thoughts that I should never have let him go. Should I tell him that I wish I’d dated him for longer. Should I call again?

No. He’s not a single man, and you’re married too even though you say your relationship isn’t happy. You have both changed immeasurably since you dated at 17. You’re not the same people you were even though he may have traits of the young man he was. Instead, talk everything through with a counsellor to unscramble your feelings and decide what you are going to do about your situation at home. My support pack called How To Look After Your Relationship is full of further advice and will show you where to find help. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal

BIG PROBLEM

My boyfriend started faking orgasms after I told him I wanted a baby

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29925739/my-boyfriend-faking-orgasms-baby/

AFTER I told my boyfriend I wanted a baby he suddenly began faking orgasms. We’re both 32 and have been together for five years. My clock is ticking and I want to begin a family. A few weeks ago, we went out with our friends who’d just had a baby. Carrying their newborn daughter made me feel so broody. But when I brought up the subject later that night, he looked disgusted and said: “Not a chance. I don’t want children.” Ever since then, he’s been unable to orgasm. Our sex life had always been fun, and adventurous. My boyfriend was often the one who initiates sex. This change is so unlike him. I tried to bring it up, but he denied there was an issue and instead began faking orgasms. It didn’t take long for him to go off sex and now it’s not happening at all. I’ve dreamt of two young children running around playing with each other, who I can read my favourite childhood books to and go on trips to Disneyland with all of my life. Now I’m worried my dream will never come true because my boyfriend doesn’t even want to have sex any more. How do I fix this?

Your partner is feeling anxious, and it’s stopping him from climaxing. It sounds as though he’s worried about being pressured into having children when he isn’t ready or perhaps doesn’t want them at all. Anxiety will stop a man from orgasming, and can also put them off sex all together. It’s time to sit down and talk calmly about what you both want from the future. You clearly are very keen to start a family but if he doesn’t feel the same you need to determine if that is a temporary status. If it’s permanent then you have some difficult decisions to make. If it’s temporary then agree a timescale when you will both come back to revisit the issue and resist the temptation to bring it up before then. By simply talking calmly about the issue your boyfriend may feel more reassured and less anxious. My support pack, Helping Your Man to Climax will also help you both in bed.

Dear Deidre

My wife flaunted her affair with my daughter’s piano teacher in my face

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29909451/wife-flashed-affair-face/

My wife has left me for my daughter’s piano teacher. Worse, she has flaunted the affair in front of my face, telling me he knew exactly what to do with his hands! I’m 47 and she’s 43. Our daughter is 10. Three years ago, we agreed our daughter, who showed some musical talent, should start having piano lessons. We bought a piano, and I found a teacher through a local message board. He was in his early 30s. I suppose you could call him handsome. He seemed like a good teacher, and our daughter liked him. At first, my wife and I took turns to take our daughter there. But over the last year, she kept insisting on doing the drop-offs and pick-ups, saying it was easier for her and she could pop into the supermarket while she waited. I thought nothing of it. Then, one day, our daughter was off school sick so we cancelled the lesson. But my wife said she still needed to go to the supermarket, so went out at the same time as usual. Now I know it was to see the piano teacher. That evening, instead of teaching my daughter, he was having sex with my wife. Around the same time, she stopped wanting sex with me, blaming it on being tired. She started going out a lot with friends in the evenings, and suddenly having to run errands. I grew suspicious and confronted her. She admitted to having an affair, but incredibly, she wasn’t ashamed or sorry. Instead, she said that our sex life had been rubbish for years, that I was old and boring, and that, unlike me, the piano teacher was very good with his hands. Now, she’s left me, taking our daughter with her. I don’t want her back but I feel humiliated, angry and bereft.

Your wife’s behaviour is selfish and cruel. If she was unhappy with your marriage or sex life, she should have spoken to you about it, not rubbed her affair in your face. What’s most important now is to make sure your daughter doesn’t get caught up in the fallout of your split. See my two support packs, Thinking Of Divorce and When Parents Fall Out, which will help you to navigate the divorce process and explains where to go for advice. Try to stay on speaking terms and set up an arrangement whereby you get to spend regular time with your daughter.

Thief

My best friend stole money directly from my bank

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29830380/best-friend-stole-money/

I’ve had money taken from my bank account and I know who has done it - my best friend. I feel like a fool. I’m a man of 27 and two years ago, I was struggling to pay for a car loan. My friend was doing well. He ran his own business and paid off my last thousand pounds outright for me. Since then, I’ve paid him over two thousand pounds. He’s also demanded that I buy him things online and that amounted to another few hundred quid. He came to my house a month ago and demanded my bank card. He then said he was going to “look after it for me”. Then this week I went to buy some groceries using my phone and my payment was declined. When I called the bank, they told me I was overdrawn and asked if I’d given anyone my PIN - I said no, but my friend insisted I gave it to him for emergencies. He’s an intimidating guy of 34 but I thought I could trust him.

You can’t. He’s not your friend. He has taken you for one long ride and played into your vulnerable nature. I’m sorry. Cancel your bank card, order a new one and if this guy makes more demands on you, tell him you’ve paid him what you owe him and then some. If he starts to intimidate you or blackmail you, tell him it’s illegal and you’re seeking help from the police. Keep any details of his text threats to help substantiate your case.

DEAR DEIDRE

My confidante pal was having sex with my husband during breakdown of marriage

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29808873/confidante-pal-sex-with-my-husband/

WHEN my marriage hit the rocks I did what any normal woman would do – I confided in my best friend. Little did I know she was having sex with my husband all the time. I am 41 and my husband is 43. We have been married for 15 years, most of it happily. Then a year ago, he seemed to change. I thought that perhaps he was depressed or going through some kind of midlife crisis. My friend, who is divorced and 40, listened to my concerns and offered her support without giving a hint that they had just started sneaking off for afternoon sex. I only discovered the truth when I had an emergency dentist appointment after a tooth broke. I rushed into town and on my way to the surgery, I spotted my husband and best friend sitting in the window of a restaurant eating pizza together. I realised in an instant what was going on and was nearly sick there and then. I tackled my husband when he returned home. He admitted it straight away and told me their affair had been going on for 11 months. He was very apologetic and ended it immediately. No matter how many times I ask, he cannot explain why their affair started. My husband simply says she was a fun person to be around. He has promised me that I am the one he wants to be with. We are trying to make it work and he’s making a big effort but my head is not in a good place?

The two people you counted on the most have betrayed you. After such a devastating discovery, it’s no wonder your confidence in your husband has been destroyed. Be honest with him and explain how you feel – that your trust in him has been seriously eroded. With the right support, it’s possible to make it past an affair but you will both have to pull together and work out what’s been going wrong. My support pack Cheating, Can You Get Over It? will help. He says your best friend was fun to be with, which suggests you had perhaps started to drift apart. Professional relationship counselling would help too, and you can source this through tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975).

REALLY UPSET

I've been forced out of church by creepy man who makes inappropriate comments

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29808934/forced-out-church-creepy-parishioner/

I’VE been forced out of the church I love by another parishioner. There is a man there who always stares at me and often stands in my way when I try to get past him. He makes inappropriate comments too. I feel intimidated by him. None of the other churchgoers, apart from the minister, appear to be bothered by this or even notice. I’m a 45-year-old single woman. I just cannot stand it any more. This man has been at the church for 20 years and it seems he has quite an influence there. I’m disappointed and angry and can’t understand why the minister and the church put up with someone like him. I feel I’ve been driven out but at the same time it’s a relief to be away from him. I don’t belong in that environment any more but I’m really upset and angry. I miss the services and a few of the other people even though I’ll find another church in time.

I am sorry that you feel you had no option but to leave the church you love. The reason that he made you feel uncomfortable may have far less to do with you than with him. Still, nobody has the right to harass you and you can report it to the police. They can charge someone with criminal harassment if this person has acted like this more than once and their behaviour has made you feel distressed or alarmed. You can talk this through with victimsupport.org.uk (0808 16 89 111).

WED WOES

I believe my wife has remarried even though we are not divorced - is she bigamist?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29808967/wife-remarried-not-divorced-bigamist/

I BELIEVE my wife has remarried even though we are not officially divorced. I am 47 and she is 45. We had been together for 20 years. We separated three years ago after I discovered she had been having an affair. Since then we have split up and live in separate houses, but she has turned our son against me and I am heartbroken. My son is 17 years old. Last week my solicitor told me the court still needs more information from my wife for the divorce to be processed. I then found out a couple of days after that, that my wife has remarried, to the man she has being have the affair with. I don’t know what to do because I don’t know if it was a blessing or an actual marriage. Do I tell the authorities, because if she has remarried she has committed bigamy? I have sent a message to my wife and told her she needs to contact the court but I have not received any response from her so far. Then I got a very nasty text from my son telling me to butt out of his mum’s life. I don’t want my ex to go to prison, but I don’t want to be involved in this either.

You have to prove not only your name but date of birth and address to get married – in other words produce your passport, birth certificate etc. If your wife has remarried without being divorced it is a crime so her marriage is void. Your son may have picked up on the anger your ex feels towards you, so is opting to reject you for fear of upsetting her, it’s called parental alienation. Families Need Fathers helps parents maintain contact with their children after separations and can advise you (fnf.org.uk, 0300 0300 363).

Sexuality questions

Am I gay after I kissed a trans woman?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29909456/gay-kissed-trans-woman/

The woman I picked up in my local pub turned out to be trans! We only kissed, and I had no idea, but now I’m worried this makes me gay. I’m a 34-year-old single man. When I went out with a group of friends to the pub last weekend, I couldn’t believe my luck when a gorgeous woman started flirting with me at the bar. She was tall, with long legs and lovely, long dark hair. It was dark and I was drunk, but I didn’t notice anything masculine about her at all. At closing time, she came back to mine and we kissed, but we didn’t have sex. The next day, one of my friends called me to ask me if I knew she used to be a man - and he wasn’t winding me up. His sister knows her through work. I was really shocked. I don’t have a problem with trans women - I say live and let live - but I am worried that I was so attracted to her. Shouldn’t I have known? Does this mean I’m gay or bisexual?

Given that she identifies as a woman, and you saw her and fancied her as a woman, your preferences appear to be heterosexual. Even if you did know, sexuality isn’t black and white - many believe it’s on a sliding scale. You were attracted to the person she is. If you want to see her again and get to know her, and have sex, there’s nothing wrong with this. Neither is there anything wrong if you decide you don’t want to take things further. It doesn’t make you prejudiced. My support pack about Bisexual Questions might be helpful for you to read.

CAN'T BEAR IT

I have become obsessed with cleaning my brother's filthy house

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29795951/obsessed-cleaning-brothers-filthy-house/

I CAN’T stop cleaning my brother’s house. I’m a woman of 50 and my brother is 48. Ten years ago, my mother died and my brother inherited her home, where we’d grown up. My brother is lazy and I’m convinced he’s never cleaned the house himself. Whenever I turn up, it’s filthy, with mouldy food everywhere and he never takes the bins out. I couldn’t bear to see it fall apart so I began cleaning it . . . but I’ve now become my brother’s weekly cleaner and he doesn’t pay me a penny. My friend said if he chooses to live in filth then I should let him but I can’t bear to see my childhood home in such a state. How do I stop this cycle of behaviour?

Listen to your friend’s good advice. By cleaning up your brother’s mess you’re enabling him to live in this way because he knows you’ll pick up after him. If you leave him to his own devices he may decide he doesn’t want to live in a mess after all.

STALKER HELL

I have fallen for man who has a stalker ex making his life hell

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29925738/fallen-for-man-stalker-ex/

I’M in love with a man who’s struggling with his stalker ex. We met at work two years ago, and he took my breath away from the moment I saw him. I struck up a conversation with him, and it soon led to a friendship. I’m 35, and he’s 30. As our friendship grew, he confided in me that he’d cheated on his girlfriend with another woman and left her for his new lover. Soon, however, this new relationship ended, and we began going to the gym together. He was struggling to set his life back up, so I began helping him. We found him a flat and bought furniture at Ikea together. It’s here that my feelings began to develop, and when he admitted that his ex-girlfriend was causing problems. She’d found out he cheated on her and began to send him messages online, saying she was going to ‘expose’ him. He blocked her, but she kept making new accounts to send the vile messages. He got the police involved, and she now must stay away from him or face prison, but the events have taken a massive toll on him. We speak every day, and our phone calls always end with ‘love you’ but I don’t think he realises I’m actually in love with him. However, the biggest issue is that I’m married to my 33-year-old husband, and we’re parents of sons aged seven and five. We have sex occasionally, but the reality is that I’m miserable, and I’d happily leave my husband for this man, but I’m not sure if he feels the same way.

You only know this man as a friend, and that’s it. I have no doubt your feelings are real, but it sounds like the last thing your friend will be looking for is another complicated relationship. It would be better to focus on your own marriage. It’s easy to drift apart in long term relationships so try to reconnect and get to the bottom of what is making you feel like this. Take a moment to sit down with your husband and explain that you’re unhappy in the relationship and that you want things to change. Perhaps you could suggest going to couples counselling together – my support pack on this explains more. If you do decide you would both be happier splitting up, then – and only then – would be the right time to think about new relationships.

Grief

My Mum wants to spend one night with my brother's ashes but his wife said no

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30024487/mum-one-night-brothers-ashes/

Since my brother died last year, his wife has been nothing short of cruel and coldhearted towards my grieving mum. He was 38 and died of cancer. I’m his 32-year-old sister, and I always looked up to him as my big brother. He lived with the illness with huge dignity until the very end. He was in a hospice before he died, and my mum barely left his side. He was married to his wife for five years, and much to our dismay, she kept all of his ashes after his cremation. Even when we kindly asked if she’d allow us to have a small amount just to make a keepsake like a stone or a necklace, but she refused. My mum is desperate to spend one night with her son’s ashes, but his wife won’t allow it. How do I convince her to change her mind?

When a child dies before their parents it is particularly difficult. Try to remember that everyone grieves in different ways, and it’s likely his wife is being protective of his ashes as a result. Could you and your mum create a different focus - perhaps plant a tree for him, make a water feature in his memory, or go for regular walks to a spot he loved as a child. By creating your own memorial, or ritual, it will give your mum the ability to connect with her grief and heal in a way that isn’t dependent on where your brother’s ashes are. I’m sending you my support pack, Coping With Bereavement to help you all navigate this tough time.

SEX STRESS

Sex with my girlfriend always ends up in fights - should I leave?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29808900/sex-girlfriend-fights-leave/

MY girlfriend has not been interested in sex for a while. It’s like we are just friends without the benefits. On the rare occasions we do have sex, she always complains about something. Either I am going too slow, or too fast or I climax too quickly or last too long. I can’t win. I am 30 and my girlfriend is 29. We have been together for two years. She doesn’t say a thing during sex. Her communication with me is non-existent, so I either go too fast and hurt her a bit or go too slow and she doesn’t feel it enough. We constantly fight after sex and I am at the stage where I am seriously considering leaving the relationship altogether. I have tried repeatedly to get her to talk to me but she always shuts down when I try. I just don’t know what to do. I really love her.

A good sex life is all about communication. You need to find out where the negativity is coming from and why. There may be underlying issues she is not prepared to talk about such as being traumatised by previous relationships, past guilt or shame. Calmly talk to her again and say you want to understand. Some relationship counselling could help and you can arrange this via tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960). If she is unwilling, she may not be the right person for you.

Relaxed

My partner and I are far too familiar with each other

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29865798/comfort-killed-mine-sex-life/

My boyfriend and I have grown so comfortable that we don’t have sex anymore. We used to have such a great relationship that all our friends envied us, but now I’m not so sure. I’m 30 and he’s 32. We’ve been together for 10 years. At the beginning, we had sex all the time. It felt like he couldn’t get enough of me. But over the past few years, our sex life has dwindled so much that we can go months without being intimate at all. And worse, neither of us seems bothered about it. It’s not so much the lack of sex that worries me, it’s the fact my boyfriend no longer feels he needs to make an effort with me. I’m scared that without an active and exciting sex life, we’re going to grow apart and not even realise before it’s too late. How can we find our way back to each other before it’s too late?

When it comes to sex, familiarity doesn’t so much breed contempt as boredom and lack of spontaneous desire. This isn’t inevitable, but it is an issue that affects the majority of couples. But with a little effort and some communication, you can get things back on track. Tell your boyfriend how you feel and ask him if he feels the same. Say you’re both missing out on pleasure and intimacy. In long term relationships we feel less instant desire but by cuddling on the sofa for example that desire can slowly build and return naturally. My support packs on Saving Your Sex Life should also help.

IN TOUCH

My girlfriend still speaks to her ex's family and it makes me feel uneasy

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29789755/girlfriend-still-speaks-ex-family/

MY girlfriend is still in touch with her ex’s family and it’s making me feel really insecure. She broke up with him a year ago but I’m paranoid there’s still something going on. I’m 18 and she’s 19. She was with him for three years and she ended it because he cheated. When I asked when they were last in touch, she said it was the day they broke up. But his siblings still follow her on social media – why would they do that if she’s not with their brother any more? I can’t stop wondering if I’m being lied to.

Nothing you’ve told me suggests your girlfriend is lying. She has no control over her ex’s family – maybe they just like her, maybe they weren’t happy their brother cheated. In a relationship, trust is vital. If you feel insecure, you need to talk about your feelings, and work on yourself. My Jealousy support pack should help.

DEAR DEIDRE

I thought my husband was loyal - but he's slept with hookers hundreds of times

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29771788/husband-sleeping-with-hookers-cheating/

I THOUGHT I was married to a caring and loyal family man, but then I discovered he has slept with hookers hundreds of times. I’m 52, my husband is 56 and we’ve been married for 25 years. We have two grown-up children. I knew something was amiss when I was checking bank statements and noticed some abnormal transactions. My husband often travels abroad for work but when he does he will usually use a company charge card. But this time when he was away in Amsterdam there were deductions from our joint account. I was not really worried until I noticed one of the payments included the words “De Wallen”, which I know is the city’s red light district. As soon as I realised what that meant, my heart sank. When he got home I confronted him and to my surprise he came clean straight away. He broke down crying and admitted that he’d been sleeping with prostitutes for years. When I asked him how many times he said he didn’t know but that it was more than likely in the hundreds. The worst part is that while he said he’d slept with many different women, he said he’d gone back to the same two countless times. I know that my menopause had deeply affected our sex life, but never in a million years did I expect him to betray me like this. Now he’s begging forgiveness and promising he’ll never do it again. The last thing I want is to leave him, but I haven’t been able to look at him the same since. How can we come back from this.

Your husband has betrayed you and it has clearly destroyed your faith in him. Before you consider moving forward, you must talk to him and find out what he feels he is missing in your relationship. You mentioned the menopause had impacted your sex life, so has he been missing intimacy? However, if there is any chance of fixing things, he will have to work to prove he’s worthy of your trust. Make it clear to him that he has one chance and mean it, otherwise you are resigning yourself to a depressing future. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help. Consider working through your feelings with couple counselling, which you can arrange through tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975).

Drink up

My husband would rather attend 'boring' work parties, than spend time with me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29846805/husband-work-party-spend-time-me/

My husband moans about his work annual summer party every year. He says it’s boring and full of tedious people and yet he still insists on going. I’m convinced he goes simply to get away from me for a few days.I know there are a lot of women who work at his company and even though I don’t think he’d cheat, I’m not entirely comfortable. I’ve encouraged him to stay at home, if it’s that bad, but he always goes in the end. I am 52 and my husband is 54. I think he enjoys going to escape and then talks it down so that I don’t get insecure and jealous. Now that our kids have left home, I’m often left kicking around the house and wish he’d spend more time with me.

If it is a work event he may feel obliged to go. I’m afraid to say it is likely that your insecurity is causing the problem. Overthinking often begins from a lack of trust so rebuilding this in your relationship will help to relieve the anxiety. It is important for you and your husband to spend quality time together, talk to one another openly and honestly to help rebuild your trust. But it’s also important that you both have your own individual identity and interests so that you both bring something to the relationship. So think of a new interest or activity to fill your time if you are left feeling lonely at home often. My support pack Looking After Your Relationship will help.

HE'S MISSING OUT

My husband works every hour of the day from home and has no time for us

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29795954/husband-works-every-hour-day/

SINCE the pandemic, my husband works long hours. He is based at home now, which I thought would mean he would have more time, not less. But he’s always doing overtime, eats three meals in front of his computer and is constantly on his phone checking work emails, even when he’s not at the desk. I hardly see him any more because he works every hour of the day. I’m 40, my husband is 45, and we’ve been married for 11 years. We have two young daughters. In the early years we were head over heels in love, but now we never see each other. I didn’t think it was possible to miss a man who is living in the same house as you. By 8am, he is working at his desk and when I go to bed, he’s still there. And I have noticed there isn’t much of a relationship between him and our children any more. He never asks the kids how they are doing in lessons or takes them to after-school clubs, and we have not had sex for more than a year. I’ve tried to speak to him but he brushes me off, saying he’s working hard for our future. But surely the present is just as important and he’s been neglecting us for a long time now. I worry that once my kids become more independent, I will lead a very lonely life. How can I get my husband back?

If your husband carries on in this way there may not be much of a future, not for your relationship, or with his children. It’s time to talk to him again and insist on some boundaries. Can you both agree to set aside some family time? Say no phones at the dinner table and that he turns off all tech at 8pm? And perhaps he could take your children to one after-school activity a week? Tell him you miss him and that you want to spend time with him. Living as housemates won’t do your marriage any favours. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help you get the message across to him.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

My husband has knocked my confidence by blatantly eyeing up other women

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29771663/husband-eyes-up-other-women/

WHEN we’re out together, my husband can’t help blatantly eyeing up other women in front of me. We recently went to dinner for our anniversary and, instead of having his attention on me, he spent the evening ogling a younger woman in a low-cut top. I am 44, he’s 47 and has recently developed this irritating habit. Every time it happens it knocks my confidence and I’m left wondering if I’ll ever be enough for him. I’ve tried everything to keep his attention, from getting my hair and make-up done to buying sexy dresses, but his eyes always wander. When I try to talk to him about it, he constantly dismisses me and tells me I’m being ridiculous. Now my self-esteem is non-existent, and I’m worried it’s only a matter of time before he cheats or leaves me.

Your husband is being careless and inconsiderate. You’ve made it clear that the way he looks at other women upsets you, but he still does it anyway. It’s no wonder that this is affecting your confidence and self-esteem, especially if he’s not offering you any kind of reassurance. You have to set a boundary with him and tell him if he loves you he has to stop. Make it clear that if nothing changes you won’t stick around. My support pack Raising Self-esteem will help you rebuild your confidence.

OFF LIMITS

Boyfriend refuses to speak about marriage or kids and I am questioning future

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29789757/boyfriend-refuses-speak-about-marriage/

MY boyfriend refuses to talk about our future, and I’m worried he’s still hung up on his ex. Every time I bring up marriage or kids, he shuts me down. It crushes me. We have been together for two years now. I’m 30 and he’s 42, so there is quite an age gap. Before I met him, he was married for over a decade. After his wife split up with him, he was left heartbroken. I know this was really hard on him, but shouldn’t he be over it by now? Throughout our relationship, I was very open about what I wanted. He says he sees a future with me, but then snaps at me, leaving me feeling hurt. I don’t doubt that he loves me, but every time it happens, he’s pushing me away more and more. I’m stuck wondering if I’m in the wrong for mentioning it all the time, or whether he should be more understanding. We’ve built a life together, shared so many happy memories, and even talked about moving in together. Getting married and having children are the next logical steps, and they’re both important to me. After being together for two years, I thought he’d want to talk about these things. Now, I don’t know how to approach the subject with him. I want us to be on the same page about our future, but his defensiveness makes me feel like I’m walking on eggshells. Am I expecting too much too soon?

After two years together, it’s not unreasonable for you to bring up important topics like kids and marriage. It sounds like your boyfriend, having had his heart broken before, is scared of getting hurt again. Still, that is no excuse for biting your head off. It’s important for him to heal from his past, and a counsellor can help him work through his unresolved trauma. These are serious issues that need to be discussed honestly if you’re going to build a future. So let him know how his behaviour leaves you feeling. Ultimately, if he doesn’t want the same things in life as you, you will need to go your own way. Being able to communicate is the only way you can move forward together.

WFH MAKES LIFE DULL

Working from home in my shared house is making my life a misery

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29771235/working-from-home-miserable/

SINCE moving into a shared house and starting my new job, which entails working from home, my life has been a misery. Every day blends into one, and constantly being confined to my bedroom is driving me mad. I’m a 25-year-old man and I recently moved into a new house after breaking up with my girlfriend. We had lived together since I left home at 19, so this is the first time I have shared a house. Admittedly, I was incredibly naive going into it, and thought we’d all become the best of friends from the off. Instead, nobody is ever around and the communal areas are a complete mess. To make matters worse, I recently started a work-from-home customer service job that means nine long hours every day sitting at my computer. When I first accepted the position I thought the flexibility would be amazing, but I’ve quickly realised how isolating and limiting it can be. I often go days without seeing a single person or speaking a word. What makes it even harder is that I find it difficult to separate my work and personal life. Since my workplace is also my home, I find it so hard to switch off at the end of the day. It’s getting to the point where it’s really bringing me down and my mental health is at an all-time low.

Working from home can be incredibly challenging, especially if your working space is also where you sleep. Consider renting a co-working office space if possible. This is an environment that’s designed to accommodate people from different companies who are in the same position as you. It would be a great way to get you out of the house and also offer a space to be around other people on your working days. You can find workspaces near you on hubblehq.com/coworking/united-kingdom.

DEAR DEIDRE

I'm still having regular sex with my ex-girlfriend even though we split up

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29747527/still-having-regular-sex-with-my-ex-girlfriend/

ALTHOUGH we have split up, I’m still having regular sex with my former girlfriend. But her phone calendar suggests she’s sleeping with another ex too — and I’m jealous as hell about it. I’m 26 and she is 24. We dated for a few months before moving into a flat together. But six months in, she told me she didn’t think the relationship was working, so we should just be friends. I was gutted and moved out. When I went to collect my things, we ended up kissing, then having sex on the sofa. She said we still had great chemistry and that she still fancied me, even if she didn’t see a future for us. So why not enjoy each other? Then she suggested a “friends with benefits” arrangement. Even though what I really wanted was to get back together, I agreed. Since then, I’ve gone round about once a week for sex, often late at night when she messages me. It’s like it was at the start of our relationship — exciting, passionate and naughty. But a few days ago, she was showing me some pictures on her phone, when her calendar alert popped up announcing her ex’s birthday party that night. She was with him before we met and, as far as I was aware, they were no longer in contact. Plus, she had told me she was seeing her best friend that evening, so I couldn’t come over. She quickly swiped it away, making excuses, which seemed even more suspicious. Now I’m paranoid that she’s having sex with him, too. I know we’re not together but it feels like I’m being lied to and used. What should I do?

Stop having sex with your ex. It’s keeping you emotionally tied to her, which is why you feel so jealous. Casual sex only works if deep feelings are not involved. You agreed to this arrangement because it was a way of staying close to her. Maybe she is sleeping with her ex. Perhaps it’s her pattern. Unfortunately, she’s made her position clear, so you have no right to demand exclusivity from her. Tell her you need space, and stop going round to your old flat. Time apart will help you to start getting over her properly, which will free you up to meet someone new – someone who wants more from you than sex. See my support pack Moving On for more advice.

CLEAN UP

I'm so sick of my teenage daughters who leave bathroom a complete mess

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29747067/messy-teenage-daughters-never-clean/

I’M so fed up with my slovenly teenage daughters, who drop their underwear on the bathroom floor. They leave the loo in a filthy state every day, despite my pleas for them to clean it. I now want to find a suitable punishment. I’m a 45-year-old single mother. My daughters are 14 and 16. Even though I have brought them up to clean, tidy and have respect for our home, they live like pigs. After they have been in the bathroom, there are clumps of hair everywhere, as well as toothpaste and leaking shampoo bottles. Wet towels lie where they have dropped them, and sometimes there are even used sanitary towels. They never clean the toilet. It is disgusting. All I want is a clean and well-kept bathroom. But if I ask them to clear up after themselves, they just scoff. I am fed up being their skivvy. How can I get them to behave?

Your daughters are old enough to clean up their own mess. They are being selfish. Try talking to them again. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to have this talk. But if they won’t listen, I suggest next time they leave mess all over the floor, instead of cleaning it yourself, scoop it up into a pile and put it on their beds. They should get the message. My support pack Stressed With The Kids will also give you some advice.

STUB IT OUT

I saw red when partner said she wanted a cigarette - am I overreacting?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29747155/row-with-partner-cigarettes/

WHEN my partner said she fancied a cigarette during our holiday, I saw red. She knows I’m vehemently anti-smoking because my father died of lung cancer. We ended up having a huge row, and now we aren’t speaking. I’m 38 and she’s 36. We’ve been together for ten years. My partner smoked when she was younger but gave up after we met. By that time, my dad was already gravely ill. Last month, we went on holiday to Italy. One evening, she got out a packet of cigarettes. I was horrified. She knows how much I hate the smell, not to mention the fact smoking kills you. She said I was overreacting and being a control freak. She told me she had no intention of starting smoking regularly again, it was just a holiday thing. But I know how addictive it is. I can’t believe how selfish she was, when she knows how awful it was to watch my dad die. Now I can barely look at her. Am I overreacting?

Your feelings about smoking are valid. It is addictive and dangerous. Given what happened to your dad, it’s not surprising you feel strongly about it. Make your partner see that your reaction came from fear and love rather than anger. Tell her you want her to be around for as long as possible. My support pack Looking After Your Relationship should help you talk.

SO CRUEL

I can't forgive homophobic husband for cutting off our gay daughter

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29746916/homophobic-husband-cut-off-daughter/

MY homophobic husband cut off our daughter when she came out as gay, and I can’t forgive him. To punish him, I have now decided I will never have sex with him again. But I’m so miserable. I’m 47 and my husband is 49. Our daughter is 18. Although I am not a believer, my husband is a strict Catholic. Despite our differences, his religious beliefs weren’t a problem in our marriage. Then, three months ago, our daughter revealed she’s a lesbian. I have long suspected this, so it was no surprise and I told her I would always be there for her. But her dad said he couldn’t accept it – that she was no longer a part of our family and should leave. Our daughter was devastated, and I was horrified at his reaction. Since then he has relented, saying she can live at home, but he doesn’t ever want to know if she dates a woman. I find his attitude so offensive and cruel. I have decided if she is not “allowed” to have sex, then neither is he. But I’m so unhappy and I’m not sure I want to continue in the marriage.

It sounds like you never believed your husband would put his religious beliefs before his love for your daughter. This has shocked you and changed your feelings for him, even though he has partially relented. Keeping your anger inside and going on a sex strike is not healthy and will not help your relationship. It is important to talk to your husband about how you feel, and work out whether there is a way forward for your marriage. Couple counselling would be a good idea for you both. It will allow you to discuss your feelings and differences in a safe space. Contact tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960). My support pack on Counselling will tell you more about this.

NOT ENOUGH

My girlfriend acts like she is ashamed and embarrassed of my job

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29795952/my-girlfriend-ashamed-my-job/

AM I an embarrassment to my girlfriend because I’m not as clever as her or her family? She comes from an academic background. Her father is a lecturer at a university and her mother is a lawyer. Last year, my girlfriend qualified as a doctor and is now working for the National Health Service. Meanwhile, I’m trying to build a surfing clothing brand that has yet to get off the ground. I fund my dream by working full-time in a pub and living with my parents. I’m 27 and my girlfriend is 25. She has always said my dream is unrealistic, and that it’s about time I got a degree “like anyone with ambition would”. Her dad has even told me he would never give me permission to marry his daughter until I can provide for her. But I never wanted to go to university because I have dyslexia and struggled in school, barely scraping together a handful of GCSEs. When my girlfriend graduated, her parents decided to throw her a party to celebrate. They had hired out a nice bar and really splashed the cash. All of her university friends were invited, but I soon realised that I would not be welcome. I asked her why, and she simply said there wasn’t enough capacity for me to attend because she was prioritising her family and university friends. But the excuse was weak. I knew there was more than enough space for me when I saw how small the guest list was. I assume she didn’t want me to socialise with her friends who were also graduating with her. I feel cast aside. I shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed of my dreams. How can I resolve this?

The background to your education has nothing to do with your girlfriend or her parents. They should be encouraging you as you start up your company, not shaming you about it. Ask yourself if you want to be involved with such an unsupportive family. Talk to your girlfriend and explain how this treatment is affecting you. This is the time for her to offer you real reassurance. My support pack Finding The Right Partner For You will help you decide if you want to be with this woman any longer.

Kill joy

My needy mother-in-law is desperate to be my husband's number one priority

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29830379/mother-in-law-husbands-priority/

I thought my mother-in-law was going to punch me in the face when I asked her to stop shouting. She’s a hateful woman. She’s 67 and she’s got mental health problems. She lives alone. Her husband left her when my husband was a boy. We are both 38. I try to be kind to her and include her but she’s now pushed me to my limit. My husband prioritises his mother over me. He takes her on holiday and she loves it. She gets angry at me frequently and resents the fact that I’ve married her son. If I tell her we are going on holiday, she’ll hang up on me or shout at me that she should be going too. I’ve just found out I’m pregnant. My husband invited his mother to come around so that we could tell her together. When we explained that she’d be a grandma and that my parents were delighted with the news, she went mad. She stood right in my face yelling, “Your parents don’t deserve to know. Why didn’t you tell me first? I wish you’d never met my son.” My husband told her to calm down and that he was taking her home.I’m so angry. She took away our baby joy in seconds.

If she’s unstable mentally, then she needs some degree of sympathy but you’ve done your best. She’s jealous because your husband has found a great relationship with you, but she doesn’t get a vote in how he lives his life. He’s an adult. You may be feeling hyper-sensitive due to your pregnancy but if you still feel the same in a month or so, tell your husband he has to talk to her, otherwise your relationship with her is over. Find additional support through Family Action (family-action.org.uk/, 0808 802 6666) which helps with any family issues, all free of charge.

Dear Deidre

My situationship dumped me as soon as we had sex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29709820/situationship-dumped-me-sex/

I thought giving a guy oral sex but holding back from intercourse would make him like me, but I was so naive. Eventually, I caved and slept with him, and now he’s dumped me.I’m 22 and he’s 26. We were in a ‘situationship’ for a year. We met at a party and I instantly fell for him. He was confident, good-looking and had the gift of the gab. We kissed and he told me I was gorgeous and he really wanted to get to know me better. I was so flattered. I’m shy and not very experienced, and have only had one previous partner - my first boyfriend who broke my heart. At first, this guy was so keen. He bought me dinner and drinks, and made me feel really special. When he dropped me home, I invited him in and things got hot and heavy on the sofa. As we’d only just met, I didn’t feel ready for full sex, so I agreed to give him oral sex. The second time, the same thing happened. After that, he cooled and stopped messaging every day. Other times, he would text to say he wanted to see me. Often it was late at night. He’d come round, we’d have a few drinks, I’d give him oral, and then he’d leave. There was no proper conversation. I started getting desperate. I thought if I had full sex with him, he’d want a real relationship. So I invited him round for dinner, got dressed up, and asked if he’d stay the night. The sex wasn’t great - he didn’t seem to care about my satisfaction. And the next morning, he left really early. Then he blocked me. I haven’t heard from him since. I feel so used. He’s made me feel dirty, worthless, and pathetic.

You’ve done nothing wrong and deserve far better treatment. In future don’t be afraid to set out your stall, explain what you are looking for and ask potential partners what they want. If you want a committed relationship and don’t want sex until you feel a real connection, own that. As you’ve learned, using sex to get someone to like you almost never works. There are good people out there, but this man does sound like an opportunist. Next time, be clear about your intentions and to avoid getting hurt, stick to your guns. You’ll find it beneficial to boost your self-esteem. My support pack about this for more help.

Red flags

My narcissistic partner makes me terrified for the future

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29709821/terrified-future-narcissic-partner/

It’s finally dawned on me that my partner is a total narcissist, and I’m scared for my future. Everyone warned me about him, but I was too blinded by love to believe them. Now I feel miserable and trapped. I’m 40 and he’s 45. We’ve been together for three years, and living together for one. At the start of our relationship, he was so charming. He bought me endless gifts and took me away for romantic weekends. But there were red flags I didn’t spot: he always wanted me to stay at his place, and would never come to mine, and he had no interest in meeting or spending time with my friends. Since we moved in together, all the charm has gone. Now he is mean, puts me down and makes me doubt myself. We haven’t had sex since for almost a year. He just doesn’t seem interested. He complains when I go out, is rude to my friends and family, and has driven everyone away. Then he tells me I have no friends because I’m horrible. Things have deteriorated so much that I’m now sleeping in the spare room. He used to come home drunk and wake me up to have a go at me, so I moved out of our bedroom. I can’t take it anymore. What can I do?

From your description, he does indeed sound like a narcissist. He began the relationship by ‘love bombing’ you and now he is gaslighting you - which are typical traits. He’s trying to isolate you from your friends and family and is abusive.I’m sorry to say but things won’t get better. You need to leave before he destroys all your confidence. Reach out to your friends and family and tell them you need help; I’m sure they’ll be there for you. It would also be helpful for you to read my support pack, Addictive Love, which describes this kind of toxic relationship and has sources of help.

Hard task

Why can’t I keep erection when I have sex with my partner?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29709822/erection-sex-partner/

Whenever I try to have sex with my partner, I lose my erection, and I think porn is to blame. I secretly watch a lot of it and I don’t seem to be able to stop.I’m 34 and my partner is 32. We’ve been together for three years. Sex never used to be a problem. At the start of our relationship, we did it multiple times a week - sometimes several times a day - and I had no trouble performing. But after about 18 months, our sex life got stale. Instead of trying to work it out with her, I started watching more porn to get my thrills. For a while, it helped - I was so turned on by what I saw that our sex life improved. But over the past few months, it’s had the opposite effect. I’m watching more and more extreme videos - things I’d never dream of asking my partner to do - and normal sex doesn’t excite me anymore. The result is, when we’re in bed, I go soft almost right away.Please help.

Porn sites are designed to hook you. Watching too much can blunt your natural sexual appetite and desensitise you. It also makes you too reliant on your own touch - rather than your partner’s. Be honest with her about this, and say you’re seeking help. My support pack, Pornography Worry, shows you where to go for this. Take sex off the table for a while and focus on kissing, cuddling and massaging each other. You may find your erections come back spontaneously.

BIG MISTAKE

I am haunted by cheating on dying wife with friend, the guilt is eating me up

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29789744/cheating-on-dying-wife-guilt/

WHILE my late wife was dying of cancer, I cheated on her with a female friend. Even though I’m now 68 and it’s been 20 years since her death, I feel increasingly guilty and ashamed. How can I erase the terrible thing I did from my memory and move on? My wife of 18 years was diagnosed with a melanoma at 45 and died aged just 48. Over three years she had many treatments, which couldn’t save her. Watching her in pain, slowly getting thinner and weaker, was heartbreaking. A family friend offered me physical comfort and we regularly met for sex. As I no longer had a sex life with my wife, I justified it to myself. It didn’t feel like I was being unfaithful then – although I knew it was wrong. But two decades on, I am plagued with guilt about it. I wonder if my wife suspected me and if it added to her suffering. I feel like the most terrible, selfish man, putting my physical needs before my marriage vows. These thoughts torture me and I can’t sleep. If only I could take a pill to forget what I did.

You must be kinder to yourself. You are not a terrible man. It’s clear you loved your wife deeply, and I’m sure she knew it. Watching a loved one suffer is painful. You sought comfort where it was offered. No, it wasn’t the right thing to do, but you’ve punished yourself enough. Try to put your energy into forgiving yourself now. My support pack, Feeling Guilty, should help. Think about confiding in a counsellor, See my support pack about this too.

HARD TIMES

I'm struggling to keep an erection since I started sleeping with new boyfriend

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29771602/struggling-to-keep-erection/

I HAVE been struggling to keep an erection since I started sleeping with my new boyfriend and I’m becoming increasingly anxious about it. I’ve tried so many different things and every time, when it comes to the crunch, I flop. It’s so embarrassing. I’m 32, my boyfriend is 28 and we’ve been together for just over a month. Everything else has been perfect. I’ve never had any issues before but every time we try to have sex I go soft. At first I put it down to nerves but then it continued happening. To make things worse, I’m the first man he’s ever been with, so I feel extra pressure to give him a good time. While he’s been so understanding, I can’t help thinking I’m letting him down. I just want to give him a good experience. How can I solve this?

The issue is most likely psychological. Anxiety is perhaps blocking your sexual responses, so the first step is to share those fears with your boyfriend. This positive step will help you calm those concerns. As you’re the first man he’s been with, you might be putting too much pressure on yourself to perform. By sharing your concerns, the level of trust and the connection between you will improve. This should ease your anxiety and help your responses return to normal. For more advice, read my support pack, Solving Erection Problems.

Dear Deidre

My Dad’s affair turned my whole world upside down

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29684535/world-turned-upside-down-dads-affair/

My world turned on its head when I found out that my gentle, loving father has been having a passionate sexual affair for almost 20 years. All this time I thought my parents were happily married. I’m a man of 38 and I can’t get my head around this news. I’m married and have two young kids. Mum is 65 and had to have a knee replacement recently. Dad asked if I could go and help her because he was going away for the weekend. When I got there, Dad, 63, had just left and I assumed it was one of his golf trips. Later I spotted his clubs in the garage and asked mum where he was. She looked uncomfortable, then said, “Well, you might as well know. He’s gone to his fancy woman.” I was stunned but Mum said, “We’ve had this arrangement since you went away to college. I don’t like sex. Your father does, so he goes to get his fix every few weeks and that suits me. We never speak about it and neither must you.” I stood there with my mouth open. Mum said she felt better that I knew but she didn’t want to say anything more - subject closed. I knew there was tension between them when I was a teenager but they seemed to get over it. They are a lovey-dovey couple who enjoy doing things together. I thought they had the perfect marriage! I had a nice weekend with Mum but made sure I’d gone before Dad returned home. I don’t want to see him if I’m honest. How do I deal with this?

You don’t have to. You behave exactly as you did before you got this information. This is their relationship and their arrangement. Nobody can ever judge what is going on within somebody else’s marriage. It works for them. Your mother doesn’t seem bothered by him having another woman in his life. Some couples choose to turn a blind eye to affairs to maintain the status quo. Just as nobody wants to think about their parents having sex, you don’t want to think about your father with anyone else which is understandable, but interfering with something which works for them isn’t your business and will take away your mother’s coping mechanism. Becoming a dad yourself will make this news harder to digest.Instead, a good therapist will listen to your concerns. My support pack on counselling explains more.

Unpaid debts

I lent my friend money - how do I ask him to pay me back?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29684537/friend-hasnt-paid-me-car/

I sold my car to a friend but he still owes me some money. He is 42 and was going through a hard time. His wife had left him and he had to buy Christmas presents for his kids. My car was worth over a thousand pounds but I said he could have it for six hundred. He’s paid me three hundred pounds but I feel that he might think that that was all I wanted for it. We talked about it through WhatsApp but I’ve deleted my messages, so I don’t have any proof. He’s a good guy and I hate talking about money but I’ve been hoping he would start to repay me now he’s in a better job and thinks that things aren’t looking so bleak. Although I’m a man of 40, I don’t know how to bring it up.

If you ever lend money to a friend or a relative, get something in writing so that you both know what is expected of each other and it will help your case if things go wrong. In your situation, you may not have been clear about the amount you wanted for the car and all you can hope is that you can put this right. Arrange to see him and tell him you wanted to talk about the car and say that you could do with having the balance of the loan now yourself. My support pack called Standing Up For Yourself will help to get the message across.

DEAR DEIDRE

I’m worried I might be pregnant after having great sex with partner's best pal

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29669196/pregnant-father-partner-best-friend/

I’M head over heels in love and having the best sex of my life – but the problem is, it’s all with my partner’s best friend. Now I’m terrified I’m pregnant and can’t be sure who the father is. For the past year I’ve wanted to leave my partner but worry about breaking his heart. I am 32 and my partner is 33. We have been together for five years, but our relationship isn’t working. His drinking has killed us. He’s always looking for an excuse to open a can of lager. Upset, after another huge row, I turned to my partner’s best friend at a party. That was two years ago. He was so kind and we ended up having a kiss at the end of the night. My partner was none the wiser as he was almost comatose. Sex with him is boring. It is all about him. He only goes near me when he has drink or drugs inside him. It makes me feel so unwanted. After the party, my partner’s best friend checked in with me to ask how I was. We began texting regularly and then agreed to meet, which we now do regularly at his house. He is amazing and I feel so happy. I was seriously planning to leave my partner, when I started to feel queasy all the time. I’m worried I might be pregnant as I’ve been having unprotected sex with two men. I am scared now about what to do or say to anyone.

It is understandable you felt neglected by your partner, but that is not an excuse for having an affair. You will be panicking with so much uncertainty. So establish the facts – that way you know what you are dealing with. First, you need to get a pregnancy test. If you are pregnant, only you can decide how to proceed. You may be able to determine who the likely dad is if you record the dates you were with each man and talk to your GP about when the pregnancy actually started. If that’s not possible you would need to wait for DNA tests after the baby is born to determine paternity. Organise counselling to help you decide how to handle the situation. Talk to fpa.org.uk (0300 123 7123). My support pack Ending A Relationship will help you break free from your partner, but don’t assume his friend is going to be there for you.

Self-doubt

Imposter syndrome is ruining my life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29684536/imposter-syndrome-not-good-enough/

I'm a woman of 34 and I’m really struggling with impostor syndrome. The feeling that I’m not good enough has been a problem for me since I was a child. It started when my school pushed me to go to university but my parents always felt it was “too posh” for our family. I have always had self-doubt. I did go, I graduated and now I work for a bank. I’ve had two big promotions but both times, I’ve had to be persuaded to accept them. There’s a constant negative voice in my head telling me I’m going to get found out. I’m sometimes overruled in meetings. Although I speak up, I always think others have a more valid argument and give in to them. I know I am not a complete idiot but I don't have any faith in myself. I’d like to move forward feeling positive rather than always overthinking everything and worrying I can’t rise to the challenge.

People who have imposter syndrome don’t feel worthy but constantly strive for perfection. The irony is that you will be a high-achieving and intelligent individual but you feel that you don’t belong in any given situation. Your parents haven’t helped - you’ve always felt undermined. Try to counteract your need for perfection by creating a quick email to a colleague without checking. Press send. What happens then? Does the world come crashing down or do you still get the message across? All human beings have weaknesses but we have strengths too. Focus on that. Ask a good colleague who attends your meetings with you about which parts were good when you spoke up, rather than focussing on what went wrong. Write these positive things down. Stressillient is a great pocket-sized science based book by Dr Sam Akbar and includes some fantastic coping strategies. In time you’ll start to believe in yourself and realise that you are strong and worthy and you can add value to your workplace.

AFRAID OF HER

My manipulative sister is controlling our parents' inheritance plans

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29669198/manipulative-sister-controlling-parents-inheritance/

MY parents are afraid of my sister. She is so controlling and manipulative. Her behaviour is becoming more and more of an issue. I’m her 36-year-old brother, and she’s 39. I’m married with two children, and live a few miles away from my parents, who are in their early 70s. My sister, who still lives with them, once asked my parents to put the house in her name. She said she’d give me my inheritance when they died. She claimed she suggested it to avoid inheritance tax but I was horrified. I told my parents to refuse as my sister could then kick them out of their home. Undeterred, my sister continues to try to control everything and play mind games. I’m sure she does it for attention. She’s a functioning alcoholic who has never been married or had children. I’m at the end of my tether.

Whether it is out of fear or not, your parents are putting up with this and allowing it to happen. If they don’t make a stand, nothing will change. Your sister is an unhappy woman. It’s painful to watch someone we love struggle, but we cannot solve all their problems for them. Calmly tell your sister how much you love her and how worried you are about her drinking and volatile behaviour. Say your parents deserve to live their lives in peace. Reading my support pack Dealing With A Problem Drinker will help.

BEING REPLACED

My cheating ex-wife wants to introduce our kids to her new boyfriend

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29664558/cheating-ex-wife-kids-new-boyfriend/

I’M terrified that my cheating ex-wife is trying to replace me in our children’s lives. We’re both 42 and have a ten-year-old daughter and a six-year-old son. Last year my world fell apart when I found out my wife had cheated on me with a colleague of hers. I was so embarrassed. The affair had been going on for two years but I had no idea. I thought we were happy together – I didn’t know she felt “that the spark between us had fizzled out”. We separated and I moved out of the family home. We have always been civil, doing days out with our kids to try to make things as easy as possible for them. But now she wants to introduce this man to them – and the thought of it is driving me insane. I’m still in love with my wife and this man has already stolen her from me. Now it seems as though he’s trying to steal my children away from me too. Our marriage had never been perfect but we had always been a team. My ex-wife says they now want the three of us to take the children to Disneyland Paris together but I couldn’t bear it. I’ve told my ex-wife that I don’t want anything to do with him. The only reason this man hasn’t met my children yet is because my daughter says she doesn’t want to meet him. My daughter says that she doesn’t want a step-dad. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but what can I do to stop this?

Sadly, there isn’t anything you can possibly do to change her mind regarding your relationship. I would recommend you read my Moving On support pack, which can help you understand how to pick up the pieces in your life and go forwards. Your children will probably feel shocked and uncomfortable with the idea of meeting this new man because of him being involved in the end of your marriage. But it’s important to keep things amicable with your ex-wife, even if you feel uncomfortable with her, for the sake of your kids. Children of divorced or separated parents will need extra reassurance and support during this time. My support pack When Parents Fall Out explains more about their thoughts and feelings during these types of situations.

My life has been torn apart by my son being accused of rape

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29795950/son-accused-of-rape-scared/

WHEN my son was accused of rape, my life totally fell apart. He’s currently out on bail but I’m devastated. I know he hasn’t done this. Every waking moment I’m worried about what is going to happen to him. He’s only 25 and I’m 50. I’m trying to continue on as normal but I am completely broken. My husband and friends tell me to stop thinking of the worst outcome and that I need to be strong for my family. But my mind has now gone to the darkest corner it possibly can.

You will be under huge pressure and stress and need both practical and emotional support. Get in touch with the False Allegations Support Organisation (false- allegations.org.uk, 03335 779 377) which helps anyone affected by a false allegation of abuse, including their families. It can put you in contact with solicitors, help you navigate the criminal justice system and assist in finding a counsellor.

PAMPERED PRINCESS

Girlfriend is a spoiled daddy's girl who refuses to move out

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29669201/girlfriend-is-spoiled-daddys-girl/

MY girlfriend won’t move out of her parents’ house because she has it so good there. She has been brought up being ridiculously spoiled by her mother and father and is a real daddy’s girl. I’m 33 and my girlfriend is 27. We’ve been together for four years. I want to buy somewhere with her, but she insists on being pampered at home. She works but still loves having everything laid out for her on a silver platter. From washing and ironing her clothes to cooking her meals, her ­parents won’t let her lift a finger. I’ve had to work for everything I have, yet she expects me to buy her whatever she wants. It is always me forking out. She doesn’t ever treat me, other than for birthdays or Christmas. She has no idea what things cost. If she stays with me, she doesn’t help with any chores. When she buys things, she often uses her dad’s credit card. I asked her once if she is embarrassed that everything she has in life has just been handed to her. She got defensive and we argued and she says it isn’t her job to spoil me. However, I do love her despite everything.

Lasting relationships need give and take on both sides but your girlfriend expects you to do all the giving. The more you do, the more she’ll let you – it’s called “learned helplessness”. Tell her you’ve realised you are doing your relationship no favours. She won’t develop into a responsible adult unless she gets involved in the workload. When she stays, share out the tasks with her by drawing up a rota. Tell her calmly that this must change if your relationship is to last. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help get this across. If she can’t see how vital this is, she is not the girl for you.

DEAR DEIDRE

I am second best for my married lover, it hurts he will never leave his wife

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29795948/second-best-for-married-lover/

MY married lover refuses to leave his wife and only sees me for a 30-minute quickie each week. Our affair began a year ago after he’d been chasing me for six months. We met at work and he soon started flirting. I told him I didn’t sleep with married men but my refusal just made him work harder. I enjoyed the feeling of being desired but was determined not to break my morals – until we went out for some work drinks. I’m 32 and he’s 39. We began talking and I admitted that I’d been feeling lonely since my divorce. Fuelled by a few large glasses of wine, we ended the night lying together in a hotel room, exhausted after an incredibly energetic sex session. This blew my mind, and soon we began regularly sleeping with each other. It didn’t take me long to fall in love with him, but he always insisted I should meet someone else. I didn’t want to be some dirty secret, so I called the affair off and met a great guy. Things were going well until I told my lover I was dating someone. He admitted he’d fallen in love with me too and was hurt by my “betrayal”. How can I have betrayed him when I was single and he even encouraged me to find someone else? Now I’m back with my lover and I only see him for 30 minutes a week. He’s got a different job, so I don’t even see him at work any more. He’s refusing to leave his wife because she has had issues with her mental health. They have four children and he worries she may get depressed again. I long for a real relationship with passion, and don’t want to feel like I’m second best any more. We call and text each other all day long, but it just feels like a fake romance now. I’ll break my own heart if I split up with him, but I’m not sure what to do as he will never choose me over his wife.

You have said it yourself, this man will never choose you. Better to stop imagining how life might look with him because it’s not realistic. You are wasting your time. He is married with children and won’t leave his partner. This man is only thinking of his own needs, not what is best for you. Someone who loves you will respect you and commit to a proper relationship. My support pack Your Lover Not Free is about being in love with a married man. It will explain the pitfalls of this relationship and help you see this situation more clearly. Another support pack Ending A Relationship will also help you.

DEAR DEIDRE

My cheating ex wants to sleep with me again, now I want to tell his wife

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29664539/cheating-ex-wants-sleep-with-me/

MY ex is a real scumbag and I’m torn over whether to tell his new wife that he has been trying to get back into my bed. I’m 25 and he is 30. We dated for a year just after the end of the pandemic. Recently, I found out that my ex had got married and my heart sank. Only a few weeks ago he contacted me on Instagram saying he missed me and wanted to start things again, but I was too wary to jump back in. We broke up because he’d always been really flaky during our relationship. It’s important for me to spend quality time together but I wouldn’t hear from him for days, sometimes even a week, because he was “busy with work”, which raised alarm bells because he had a nine-to-five job. I’m a single mum and my son sees his dad on the weekends so I would naturally jump at the opportunity to see my ex, but he hardly ever showed up. It didn’t take long for me to suspect there was another woman, but whenever I brought it up, he would get defensive, saying he was busy and I was making an issue out of nothing. Soon, his manipulative ways took a toll on my mental health. I couldn’t bear not knowing if I would hear from him. I ended it, but we remained friends. A few weeks later he texted me saying he’d met someone else. He even told me it was fate and they were destined to be together. I was fuming and questioned why he couldn’t have felt this way about me. When he recently messaged me saying he missed me and wanted me back it felt like he was finally giving me the attention I’d desperately needed from him before. Luckily, I found his wife on Instagram so I knew he was still playing with my feelings. Now my conscience is niggling me to tell this woman to run for the hills as he will never change and she deserves so much better than him. What shall I do?

This is a terrible situation to be in but I’m glad you’re no longer with this man. I know you feel desperately sorry for his wife but it’s best you resist the temptation to contact her. She may not believe you and you would only feel bad for causing her any distress. If he is still cheating then it’s only a matter of time until she catches him. The best thing for you to do is block him and move on. My support pack Finding The Right Partner For You can help.

MOVED ASIDE

My husband's lazy mother has taken over his life and he has no time for me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29664551/husbands-lazy-mother-has-taken-over/

I’VE just lost my husband to his mother. I’m 45 and he is 50. Recently my father-in-law died and my mother-in-law has been clinging on to my husband ever since. She rings him for the smallest of things and he drops everything to help. I’ve never got on with my mother-in-law because she’s a traditional housewife while I’ve always been career-driven. She’s always caused problems and is the laziest woman I’ve ever met. My husband has vowed to make her his biggest priority, but what about me? How do I win my own husband back?

A death will often disrupt family life and change things. It sounds as though your husband feels sorry for his mother, but there is no harm in him encouraging her to start regaining independence. Take a moment to explain to your husband how you feel and allow him to explain how he’s feeling about this too. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help.

LAST RESORT

My wife says sex is now too painful and I am considering seeing an escort

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29664546/my-wife-says-sex-too-painful/

MY wife can’t have sex with me and my frustration is becoming unbearable. We’re both in our fifties and have been happily married for 20 years. Our sex life has always been difficult due to my wife having endometriosis. Her condition means that sometimes sex is painful during and after the act. Sometimes the agony has been so horrendous that she hasn’t been able to get out of bed for a few days. I hated this because I always felt guilty after sex. I felt like I was hurting my wife rather than showing her how much I loved her. In the end our sex life fizzled out. I’m beginning to find that masturbation is no longer working for me.I’m craving intimacy and passion. I don’t want to speak to my wife about it because she’ll feel insecure and feel pressured to sleep with me but I’m so frustrated that I have even considered hiring an escort. The only reason I haven’t is because I don’t want to catch an STI but I’ve considered asking them to do a test before we have sex so I can make sure I don’t catch anything. I don’t think it would be cheating because I’m only doing it to release my frustration. What can I do to help stop this feeling?

Hiring an escort is not the answer to this issue. You need to talk to your wife and explain how you’re feeling. You may even find that she misses the same things you do. There are options to make sex less painful such as using lubricants and even, on occasion, vaginal dilators. However, if it continues to be a problem your wife can be referred to a specialist who can then see if there are any surgical procedures that could help. She may find that certain positions are more comfortable than others. For example, if your wife is on top then she can control the depth and speed of penetration. Sex isn’t all about intercourse – there are activities you can do to feel close to your wife such as oral sex, massage, foreplay and using sex toys to bring you closer together.

WIRED UP

My husband's unhealthy obsession is arguing with our electricity company

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29669200/husband-unhealthy-obsession-arguing-electricity-company/

Our electricity provider has become my husband’s unhealthy obsession. He spends hours researching the company and its employees online.If I suggest changing companies, he becomes argumentative and insists our current provider is good. He’s completely missing the point. I am 42, my husband is 44 and we have been married for ten years. This behaviour started during lockdown. He would spend hours on their website and watching ads about them. It was worse than some people’s obsession with their phones. This company is the lowest-rated in polls for customer satisfaction, but my husband seems to have been taken in by its flashy big-budget advertising. His behaviour is odd but he has no medical condition to explain it. It’s not funny but he can’t seem to understand.

Your husband needs to understand that this is more than a just a minor irritant to you. Obsessive behaviour can be an early warning sign that something else is wrong. It can often be about wanting to be in control. If he felt vulnerable during lockdown this may explain it. Can you think back to what his mental state was like then? For some people an obsession might start due to anxiety. I would suggest he makes an appointment to see his GP. My support pack Overcoming Obsessions may help too.

I WANT MORE

Sex is so dull with my husband, he acts like a robot in bed with no affection

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29664553/sex-is-so-dull-with-my-husband/

When it comes to sex, my husband is like a robot. He simply doesn’t know what passion is. I’m 50, he’s 52 and we’ve been married for 20 years. All he cares about in bed is penetrating, orgasming and getting to sleep. I’ve put up with it because I love him but I have a huge sex drive and I’m desperate to have passionate fun. I want him to appreciate my body but frankly I’m lucky if I even get a peck during sex. I’ve tried everything to spice it up, but he just isn’t interested.

Your sex drives are completely mismatched. The only way you’ll improve this is through communication. You’ve tried to spice things up and he hasn’t taken the hint so take things back to basics and tell him exactly what you need. Explain he needs to delay penetration until you are properly aroused and show him how to get you there. My support pack Different Sex Drives will help you both achieve this.

So low

My father’s reaction to a childhood trauma is haunting me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29709823/fathers-reactionchildhood-trauma/

Memories of nearly drowning as a child still haunt me to this day. I can still feel the water filling my nose, mouth and ears, and the sensation of sinking to the bottom of the swimming pool - and the dread fear. I frequently have nightmares about it. I’m a 42-year-old man now, and the incident happened when I was six. I was on holiday with my family when I got into trouble in the hotel pool. My rubber ring deflated, and I was saved by a man, who dragged me out of the pool. But my father reacted angrily, acting as if it was my own fault. He hit me and sent me to bed without supper. All these years later, I am still traumatised - as much by his reaction as by nearly dying. I can’t understand how he could have been so cruel. I’ve had some counselling, but it hasn’t helped. It feels like what happened has ruined my life. How can I get over it?

You suffered a terrifying ordeal, and your father’s reaction was shocking. He should have been there to console and protect you. Instead he compounded your trauma. Perhaps he was angry that he hadn’t saved you himself. Or he might have been so scared that he reacted with inappropriate anger. But there are people who can help you deal with this, even so many years later. For specialist PTSD support, contact Assist Trauma Care (assisttraumacare.org.uk, tel: 01788 551919).

THANK YOU

My marriage split was so painful but you helped me move on from cheating husband

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29789751/marriage-split-was-so-painful/

AFTER my husband had an affair, he was remorseful and I agreed to take him back for our children’s sake. But I struggled to get my head around his betrayal, especially as he had lied to me repeatedly – even attending marriage counselling with me while carrying on with his lover. I’m 43 and he’s 45. We had been married for 15 years. You assured me that couples could recover from infidelity if both partners wanted to make it work. Their relationship could even become stronger. And I read your support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, which was very helpful. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out because my husband changed his mind again, saying his lover gave him the sex and affection I couldn’t provide. Confused, I wrote to you several more times, and each time you quickly replied, helping me to work through my feelings and make my own decisions. Even though we did finally split, I got so much benefit from your insights and support through the last painful months of our marriage. Thank you.

I’m so sorry your marriage didn’t work out but glad I was able to help you move on.

DEAR DEIDRE

I fear my long-distance girlfriend is cheating on me with her best mate

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29789743/fear-long-distance-girlfriend-cheating/

I FEAR my my girlfriend is cheating on me with her male best mate. Our relationship became long-distance earlier this year, and I reckon he moved in on her even before our bed was cold. I’m 28 and my girlfriend is 27. We’ve been together for five years. Her best mate is 29. Earlier this year, I was offered a great job opportunity with a much better salary a couple of hundred miles away — and we agreed I should take it. We’ve been saving for a flat deposit, and doing this new job for a year will mean I can save enough to help us buy somewhere together. My girlfriend couldn’t move with me because of her job and family commitments. Since we’ve been apart, we’ve spoken every day, and visited each other every few weeks. My issue — and it’s become a serious one as the months have gone by — is that she has a male best friend, who she’s known since childhood. At first, I was jealous of him — particularly when I found out he’d been interested in her years ago and they had even kissed. But she told me that even though everyone — even her mum — said they should be a couple, he wasn’t for her, and she loved him just as a friend. Eventually, he and I became friends, too. But over the past few months, I’ve become more and more suspicious about them. I feel there’s a growing distance between me and my girlfriend, and every time I call her he is there. Sometimes she doesn’t pick up. She’s told me he’s stayed over a couple of times, and I feel really uneasy about it. It was fine when I was around, but it feels wrong now I’m not. I’m sure he wanted something to happen with her, and now I’m out of the way, he has the perfect opportunity. Am I just being jealous and insecure or do I have reason to feel this way?

It’s hard not to become jealous when your relationship is long-distance. But her not picking up the phone immediately, or letting her best mate stay over – which he’d done before – and telling you about it, should not be giving you reason to feel so anxious. This is about your own insecurity and the fact, as you say, that you sense a growing distance between you and your girlfriend. You need to talk to her and get her reassurance. Perhaps you’re feeling lonely because you’re so far away from her, or maybe you feel the job isn’t working out. Be honest with each other about your feelings and see if you can arrange to see each other more often.

Family ties

My stepchildren are a constant reminder of my husband's affair

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29636792/stepchildren-reminder-husbands-affair/

My stepchildren are a constant reminder of my husband’s affair. Although I know they are blameless, I feel very resentful towards them, and can’t cope when they misbehave. I’m 50 and my husband is 53. He had an affair 10 years ago, which resulted in two children, aged nine and six. We got back together three years ago, after he and the woman he had the affair with split. Our own children are grown up and have now left home. The problem is, my husband and his ex co-parent the kids, which means there’s a considerable amount of time when they’re staying in my home. They are lovely kids, and I fully accept that my husband needs and wants to be a dad to them, but I am becoming increasingly unhappy with the situation. The children argue and fight all the time, make lots of noise and mess, and they never help around the house. My husband refuses to be strict with them - perhaps because he feels guilty about splitting with their mum - and I feel it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to discipline them. I’ve tried talking to him about how I feel, but he just says it takes time to get used to being a blended family. I love him and really want us to work out this time, but I’m starting to question whether all this stress is worth it. Having his affair rubbed in my face all the time - albeit not deliberately - is painful - and he doesn’t seem to understand that.

Being a stepmum in a blended family is difficult at the best of times, even without the added stress of those children being the result of your husband’s affair. It’s natural that you feel some resentment towards the children, and admirable you don’t want this to reflect on your treatment of them. But if they’re staying in your house, you need to have a say over the rules and boundaries too. It’s important you talk to your husband again and explain exactly how you feel, and try to work on this together. My support pack on Stepfamilies should help you, as should Looking After Your Relationship. You could also call Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, tel: 0808 800 2222) for advice and support.

Dear Deidre

My wife's revenge sex has ruined our marriage

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29636788/wife-intent-revenge/

My wife had meaningless sex with a man she met on a girl’s night out because she wanted revenge. She was convinced I’d cheated on her so she decided to get even. The worst part is, that I never strayed in the first place. And now I know only too well, there is no such thing as meaningless sex! She jumped to the wrong conclusion after I visited my ex to pick up some belongings. At the time she was convinced I had sex at the same time. No amount of talking seemed to reassure her. So apparently in a moment of hurt and anger, she decided to even the score and had a one night stand. I’m 45 and she’s 40. This all happened ten years ago but I really don’t know if I’ll be able to move on. She kept this secret for nearly a decade, but the guilt finally got to her, and she confessed everything to me last week. I’m absolutely devastated. I’ve been nothing but faithful to her all these years, and her lack of trust and betrayal are a punch to the gut. She apologised and says she doesn’t feel anything for the man she slept with. She insists she loves me and wants to move forward, but I’m struggling to process it all. A decade of deceit is hard to swallow, and I’m not sure how to rebuild our relationship when it’s this broken. I can’t understand how she’d stoop so low and have sex with someone purely to spite me. For now, I’ve asked her to leave. I won’t have her in our home. Figuring out how to move on feels impossible. I don’t know how a relationship can survive this kind of betrayal after so many years.

This is a significant betrayal. Your partner’s confession, though late, might be her attempt to clear her conscience and seek a more honest relationship. Or she was projecting her poor behaviour onto you by claiming you had cheated first. You both need to decide if you genuinely want to make things work.If so, couples counselling can help you navigate the complex emotions and rebuild trust. Remember, it’s OK to take your time to process everything and decide what’s best for your future, even if that doesn’t include her. If you decide to make a go of things, my support packs Cheating And Can You Get Over It? and How Counselling Can Help will support you.

Thank you

When I found out my husband joined a sex site, you helped us through

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29636795/encouraged-me-husband-help-issues/

Discovering that my husband had joined a sex site shook me to the core, so I demanded a divorce. While he denied talking to any women, I didn’t believe him – I had the screenshots to prove otherwise. The betrayal cut deep - we have been together for 25 years. I’m 53 and my husband is 56. He blamed me at first, saying I had stopped spending time with him after work. But how could I when I was exhausted from supporting a family of six? He wanted me to forgive him and carry on like nothing had happened. I thought I’d never be able to trust him again, but your guidance and understanding helped me see a path forward. You encouraged me to communicate openly with my husband, and I'm grateful that he's now agreed to seek therapy with me. Although I know rebuilding what we had will take time, it's a step in the right direction. The resources you provided, especially the How Counselling Can Help support pack, showed me that speaking to a professional could genuinely help us. You provided comfort when I felt I couldn't go on. Thank you, Deidre.

I'm so glad you have found a way forward together through open communication and therapy. Good luck.

Fall out

My ex-wife has made life a living hell since my daughter was born

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29613054/ex-wife-life-hell/

Since the birth of my daughter, my ex-wife has been making our lives a living hell. Whether she’s bad-mouthing my wife, manipulating our son, or making horrific accusations, she’s intent on making me miserable. I’m at the end of my tether and I’m not sure how to cope. I’m 42, my wife is 35 and we’ve been married for two years. Two months ago we welcomed our first child together. My ex-wife is 40 and we share a nine-year-old son. Since our separation five years ago, co-parenting had always been straightforward and we managed to remain civil. However, things shifted when my wife and I welcomed our daughter.Since then she has gone above and beyond to ruin our lives. First, she started running down my wife to my son, and so he started acting up and calling her horrible names. Then she took to Facebook where she made countless posts calling us abusive and neglectful. Many people commented, believing her lies and it’s caused huge issues in our community. Now she’s accused us of rejecting my son and replacing him with a ‘new perfect family’. The worst part is that my son believes all of it and wants nothing to do with me. Now I wake up every day anxious about what she’ll do next. I’m at a complete loss and I’m not sure how to cope.

It’s clear the arrival of your child sparked some negative feelings in your ex. Whether it’s through jealousy or resentment, her emotions are driving her and she’s now putting her desire for vengeance over your son’s welfare. Regardless of her feelings for you, manipulating your son and slandering you online is cruel and unfair. Please contact Families Need Fathers (fnf.org.uk, 0300 0300 363) who can help and offer legal advice. In the meantime, my support pack When Parents Fall Out explains more about kids’ feelings and needs in these situations.

Mixed signals

My ex told me he didn't want a relationship then debuted his new girlfriend

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29585886/ex-relationship-debuted-girlfriend/

It hurts so much that I wasn’t good enough for a proper relationship. Within weeks of us splitting up, a guy who I fell hard for wanted to tell the world about his new girlfriend - someone he’s only just started seeing. I’m 25, he’s 27 and this other woman looks the same age as me. Last year, we were together for two months and we went on several dates. He even said he wanted to be with me, but then shortly after, decided he needed space. At first he said he needed to work long hours because the bar where he worked had flooded, then he said his mum was ill and he needed to help her. When I texted him to see how he was, he ignored me. I feel so rejected – it’s not fair. How can he tell me he wasn’t ready for a relationship, and then get into one with his new girlfriend? After contacting him a few times, he sent me a threatening message, telling me people would hurt me if I tried to contact him again. I’ve reported this to the police because I’m really scared. He said he had also reported me for harassment, but now he has apparently dropped it. I haven’t heard anything from the police. I’m upset he broke things off, but I'm also worried I’ve got myself in trouble with the law.

This man gave you mixed messages and now has threatened you so it’s no wonder you are upset. This rejection will have knocked your confidence, but trying to force a relationship won’t help. You would be far better off taking care of yourself and cutting contact to give yourself a chance to get over him. If he makes any further threats, you should update the police.You can find more help through the National Stalking Helpline (stalkinghelpline.org). My support packs Finding The Right Partner For You and Raising Self Esteem will help you.

Trust issues

My Mum doesn't trust me with my male friend, even though he's gay

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29636799/mum-hang-out-friend/

My mum doesn’t trust me – she won’t let me hang out with a boy, even though he’s gay. I’m going into year eight at secondary school. Lately, I’ve been spending time with a friend who happens to be homosexual. Every time I ask to go to the park with him, mum says I’m not allowed. She said his sexuality isn’t the problem, she’s just really worried about me spending time with him alone. Apparently, it’s a red flag. I get that she’s concerned, but I wish she had more faith in me. I’m old enough to make my own decisions and I don’t understand the problem. How can I reassure my mum and show her I’m making good choices, so she’ll let me live my life?

Your mum is worried about your safety and only wants the best for you. Letting her know where you are and who you are with, will make her feel better. Try suggesting your friend come to your house instead. It could help everyone get to know each other and ease your mum’s concerns.

Overly affectionate

How do I stop my husband from constantly groping me?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29613057/stop-husband-groping-me/

How do I stop my husband from constantly groping me? We’ve never had issues like this before, but in the last few months, he’s turned into a complete sex pest. I’m 52, my husband is 56 and we’ve been married for twenty-two years. While we’ve always had a good and active sex life, recently my husband has become insatiable. Whether we’re out at home, he’s developed an awful habit of grabbing me in inappropriate places. Sex is constantly on his mind, and if he’s not making crude comments, he’s staring at me with lustful gazes. I used to love that he fancied me so much but there’s no let up now and I find his approach exhausting and invasive. I’ve tried to tell him to stop, but every time he acts scorned and sulky.

You deserve to be treated with more respect. Your husband is constantly overstepping your boundaries despite the fact you’re showing no interest. Sit down with him and see if you can get to the bottom of this change in behaviour. Perhaps he’s watching a lot of porn. Even if he believes he is doing it affectionately, if he’s constantly touching you sexually without your consent, it's a form of sexual assault. Pick a moment to talk to him and explain how serious this is. Try to establish some clear limits around when it is and isn't okay for him to initiate this sort of contact. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself is attached to help you to talk to him calmly.

ANGER ISSUES

I hate the world and everyone in it

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29613058/i-hate-the-world-and-everyone-in-it/

Every day I wake up with a strong hatred for the world and everyone who lives in it. I’m constantly surrounded by rude and horrible people and it’s driving me mad. I’m a 28-year-old man and for most of my life, I’ve constantly been let down by the people I’ve cared about. Whether it’s been friends, family, or in my relationships, everyone always disappointed me and it’s left me feeling resentful and angry. I’ve spent so much time wondering how people can be so selfish and I’m yet to make any sense of it. Even in my daily life I constantly see the ways humans hurt one another. Whether it’s being rude to service workers, stealing from people in need, or vandalising property, I’m consistently reminded of the lack of care everyone has for each other. I feel so frustrated and wound up and most days I’m angry from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep at night. I’m worried I'll lose my temper and do something I’ll regret.

As hard as it may be, you cannot control what other people say or do, only your reaction to it. The truth is that many people are facing invisible battles, and this often causes them to act in ways they otherwise wouldn’t. Instead of being angry, try to be more open-minded and consider other people’s perspectives or situations. I’m sending you my support pack Managing Anger to help you find healthy ways to work through your negative emotions.

AT A LOSS

My boyfriend flew back to Nigeria after I miscarried our child

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29684539/boyfriend-nigeria-miscarried/

My partner left me and went back to his home country when I miscarried our child. We met in a cafe. He’s 30 and he gave me his number and arranged for me to call at his house the following night. His housemate let me in but my soon-to-be partner didn’t show up until really late and he’d been drinking. He was cross when I was there so I left. He texted me to ask out the next week and then things were better. We had sex together and he asked me to move in. We were so happy together and after a few months talked about trying for a baby. Amazingly, I got pregnant almost straight away. At first he seemed thrilled, but within weeks he started talking to other women. I miscarried and was devastated but instead of supporting me, he booked a flight back to Nigeria. He didn’t care about me or the pregnancy. He then asked me for flight money to return, which I sent him but I’ve not heard from him again. We are both 28. Am I being taken for a fool?

Yes, I think you are. Somebody who loved you would be there for you, especially after a miscarriage. My support pack on miscarriage may help you to find some emotional help. Lean on friends and family too and try to put this experience behind you. In time you’ll come to realise that this guy wasn’t right for you and that a good relationship will be with somebody who is always there for you.

Family feud

My daughter refuses to invite her father to her wedding

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29535556/daughter-father-attend-wedding/

My daughter’s wedding day is in September, but she only wants me to attend, not her father. We are devastated. I’m 63 and my husband is 65. All of this started with a silly argument over looking after our dog when we went on holiday to Spain. We asked my daughter and her fiancé if they could dog-sit for us and they both agreed when we gave them the dates. A month before we were due to go, my daughter phoned and said that her fiancé had booked for them to go to France so they couldn’t have the dog. My husband took the phone off me and my daughter put her fiancé on the phone and they ended up having a slanging match. It was awful. I was upset. My daughter was in tears. We had to postpone our flights and it cost us a cancellation fee. She still phones me every week but her fiancé refuses to speak to us. He is waiting for an apology from my husband for shouting. The invitation has just arrived in the post but it’s only addressed to me. That means that my husband won’t be walking his only daughter down the aisle which is something we both wanted. What can we do to put things right?

Tell your husband how much this is upsetting you and ask him to swallow his pride and apologise for flying off the handle. There may have been issues from both sides but sometimes, you just have to accept that apologising is the only way to move on and it would be better if you could both go to the wedding. You don’t want this issue to become embedded and jeopardise your future family relationships. If your husband makes the call, ask him to follow it up by inviting them out for lunch to encourage everyone to put this problem in the past. My support pack called Wedding Worries may help you too.

NEXTDOOR NIGHTMARE

I'm terrified of my neighbour - how do I get him to leave me alone?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29535559/neighbour-terrifies-me/

My neighbour scares me and my children and I don’t know what to do about it. He’s a man in his 50s and I’m 35 and I’m a single mum to two little boys. This neighbour lives in our block and he is paid to maintain the garden area which we all use. We all pay him separately but if I’m ever late he hangs around outside my flat every day. He put a note through my door before saying that my contribution was a pound short, but I counted all the money in the envelope so I know it was correct. Sometimes he bangs on my door really loudly, demanding a payment and threatening that he won’t cut the lawn. Then I feel so responsible for everyone in the flats. But he frightens me too. I just wish he’d leave.

He sounds intimidating and with young children in your home you will feel understandably vulnerable. Write a polite but firm note asking him to refrain from banging on your door because your children are getting scared. As all your neighbours pay him, could you request that one of the other neighbours, someone who won’t be intimidated, collect all the money and hand it over? If this isn’t going to work out, my support pack called Nuisance Neighbours will show you what your rights are and where to turn for help. You can also find support through Gingerbread (gingerbread.org.uk, 0808 802 0925) which helps single parents/carers.

Dear Deidre

I'm pregnant but my partner is having affair - I want our family to be together

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29519280/pregnant-baby-cheating/

WITHIN a year I’ve been the girlfriend, mistress, back to the girlfriend, the mum-to-be and now – the real curveball – the wronged partner. It’s been a dizzying year and I’m struggling to make sense of what our relationship means now. I’m 36 and my partner is 38. When we met at the tennis club I was in a long-term relationship and he was married but we couldn’t stay away from each other. The sexual chemistry was strong from the start and one evening a few of us went to the pub for a drink. His wife was away and we both knew what was coming. After a few drinks we went back to his place and ripped each other’s clothes off. I finished with my boyfriend soon after, it was the right thing to do as we’d become more like friends. My lover took a couple of months to split with his wife and moved straight in with me, but there’s been no fairy tale ending. I’ve discovered he’s had an affair with a woman at work since getting together with me. The day I discovered I was pregnant was the day I found out about her. He said it was a big mistake, called it off with her and now completely blanks her. But the damage is done. Between them, they wrecked me. I used to trust everyone and everything but my faith in other people has been shattered. We have had a few months apart because I simply couldn’t drop the subject of his affair. I love my partner, I’m six months pregnant and I want our little family to be together but I cannot get over what he did to me.

I’m not surprised you feel unsettled, your email has more highs and lows than Love Island. Once the trust has been broken it can be incredibly hard to rebuild. Being betrayed can be incredibly hurtful and feelings can linger long after the event. If your relationship has any chance of surviving this, your partner needs to be prepared to reassure you – lots. You need some consistency and stability now, don’t get drawn into the drama. Talk to your partner and explain your feelings so you can see if there is a way forward together even if it is only for the sake of your baby to start with. My support pack Cheating, Can You Get Over It? will help with this.

CONTROL FREAK

My sister has learning difficulties & is in an abusive relationship

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29519347/sister-learning-difficulties-abusive-relationship/

I AM so worried for my sister’s safety since she met a horrible man almost a year ago through a dating site. I’m her 41-year-old brother. My sister’s 39 and has learning difficulties. All seemed well at first but a few months ago she started having less contact with the family. She then disappeared with her boyfriend without telling us. We had no idea where she was until my mum found out she was staying in a static caravan with no heating or water. She eventually returned home with her partner but, on the rare times we see them, he seems to relish bossing her around. She has no phone so can’t communicate with us. She only answers the door occasionally when my mum attempts to see her. She’s started to look thin and unkempt. We have tried to intervene but her partner calls the police. They have told us that as she is an adult we can’t take action against her partner.

I share your concerns. My support pack Abusive Partner? has information on organisations that can help. Pass a copy on to her if you can do it safely. Your sister’s partner is trying to isolate her to further control her. It is vital you stay in touch but in a way that is safe for her. Go slowly. She needs to know you are there to support and love her without judging her decisions. Buy her a new phone so she can communicate with you in a way that doesn’t put her at further risk.

UNHAPPY FAMILIES

Old age has turned my father into a hateful human being

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29535558/elderly-father-hateful-human/

My elderly father has turned into the most hateful human being and I can’t face visiting him any longer. He’s 87 and he’s so rude to people, he lies and thinks everyone owes him attention. I’m his son and I’m 63. His latest untruth has really hit me hard. My wife had a heart attack a little while ago. She is doing well but needs to take it easy and I’m looking after her. Yet my father has told his neighbours and my sister that there’s nothing wrong with my wife. Now the community centre that he visits is reluctant to take him because he’s been so rude there criticising everything the staff do. We have always had Dad over for Sunday lunch but apparently he’s been telling his neighbours that we never feed him. His house is now dirty and smelly too. I mentioned taking my wife on holiday to Margate and Dad asked if he could come too - it would be hell on earth. Is it wrong of me to think that way?

No - even our nearest and dearest can upset us sometimes. My concern is that your father is showing the symptoms of some cognitive impairment like Alzheimers or dementia. If he was normally a pleasant man to be around, dementia could be the reason behind why his personality has changed. He may need some extra care at this time in his life. You need a diagnosis first so talk with Dementia UK (dementiauk.org, tel: 0800 888 6678).

Dear Deidre

I don’t know if the father of my unborn child is my partner or his uncle

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29513758/father-child-unborn-baby-cheating/

WHEN I had sex with my partner’s uncle, it was meant to be a one-off, but our affair continued – and now I don’t know which is the father of my unborn child. It all began when my boyfriend lost interest in sex and I felt so rejected. Then his uncle, who had always been flirty, made a move on me and I couldn’t resist. We were all at a family wedding and my boyfriend left early because he isn’t very sociable. His uncle offered to get me home safely, which turned out to mean a heavy session in the back of a taxi. We’ve been meeting at least once a week ever since and have really good sex. He’s been asking me to leave my partner so we can be together, but I don’t have the guts to admit what I’ve been doing. I’m 25, my fella is 24, and his uncle is 32. I love my boyfriend, but I’m not in love with him. I’d started to think I should leave and set up home with his uncle. Then, a few months ago after some drinks, my partner and I had sex for the first time in as long as I can remember. Soon after, I discovered I was pregnant. Now I don’t have a clue who the dad is. I’m not showing yet, and no one knows I’m nearly four months along, despite my partner commenting I’ve gained a few pounds. My bloke and his uncle look nothing like each other, so it might be obvious who the baby belongs to when it is born. I’m also worried about the impact on my unborn child if I don’t sort this now. I don’t know whether to confess to my affair, or keep quiet and hope it sorts itself out. What should I do?

Your relationship with your partner doesn’t sound healthy. Please don’t decide to stay simply because you are pregnant. But it’s time to stop seeing his uncle and concentrate on whether you can work things out with your boyfriend. It sounds like you and your partner would both need to make big changes to turn your relationship around. But if you decide your future lies with his uncle, then you need to bite the bullet and leave. My support pack, Ending A Relationship, can help with this. At some point, you will have to tell both your partner and your lover that you are pregnant. Whoever the father is, they have a right to know and to decide if they want to be part of their child’s life – and yours. Even if they walk away, you are entitled to child support.

BODY COUNT

My girlfriend lied about how many partners she slept with

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29513978/girlfriend-lied-partners-sex/

MY gorgeous girlfriend told me she’d only slept with a couple of other people, but that was a lie. We’ve been together for six months. She is 29 and I’m 28. She knew I’d only slept with one other girl and told me her body count was two or three. However, a friend of hers recently admitted she’d slept with over ten different men. I quizzed her again afterwards but she continued lying. I was horrified not because she’d slept with them but because she’d lied. I don’t care what her number is. I’ve tried to put it to the back of my mind but I’m struggling.

It is possible your girlfriend didn’t want to upset you with the real figure. Perhaps she has been judged or has received a bad reaction before. Let her know you aren’t concerned by her past but that you want to be able to trust her. My support pack on How To Look After Your Relationship has more helpful information.

Dear Deidre

I was happily married until a holiday romance changed everything

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29613051/happily-married-holiday-romance/

Until a girls’ holiday in Ibiza earlier this year, I thought I was happily married. But since forming an intense connection with a married man who I had incredible sex with, everything at home feels so dull. I can’t shake off the feeling that I should be with my amazing holiday romance. I’m 36, my husband is 39 and we’ve been married for seven years.I had never realised that there was anything missing in our relationship until meeting my fling. He’s 42 and was on a work trip. He struck up a conversation with me at the bar and our connection was evident from the start. He’s in the music business and has a magnetic quiet confidence.After that first evening, we met on the beach every evening for a beer and watched the sun go down together. We started to go swimming and while we couldn’t keep away from each other, neither of us wanted to be unfaithful. It took all our strength to resist each other. But on the last night we agreed we’d have sex ‘just once’. It ended up being the hottest night of my life and neither of us slept a wink. I’ve never been with a man who was so keen to please. Ever since, we’ve been in constant communication, with him regularly confiding in me about his marriage problems. While I still love my husband dearly, our relationship doesn’t compare and it’s becoming progressively harder to fake it. I’m in a mess.

Your holiday fling was so intense because, away from the daily grind of chores and responsibility, everything felt perfect, ideal even. You had time and were relaxed. I’m sorry to spoil the party, but no one can stay on holiday forever.When you think of this man, you are conjuring up a fantasy of how you hope life would be, not the reality of what is. You say that you love your husband but your connection doesn’t measure up, but it is unfair to compare your seven-year marriage to the thrill of a fling. Before you make any big decisions, you owe it to your husband to try to fix things. Some counselling as a couple - or on your own - would help you put things into perspective and decide if you can make your marriage work. Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org) offers online counselling. Please don’t start another relationship until you have given your best effort to your current one.

Unanswered questions

Why am I still confused about my sexuality as an adult?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29636793/confused-sexuality-adult/

Surely, as an adult, I shouldn’t be confused about my sexuality still. I’m 31 and I’ve had a lot of ups and downs with relationships. My only serious girlfriend cheated on me the whole time we were together, which crushed my confidence. Since then, I’ve never had much luck with the ladies. It’s left me wondering if women are attracted to me, whereas guys seem to think I’m handsome. I started watching gay porn because of this confusion and convinced myself that maybe I liked men. I even hired a male escort to explore my sexuality. It was a nice experience, but it didn't give me the pleasure I thought it might. I decided it wasn’t for me. Four years later, I'm still no closer to finding love. Deep down, I know I want a long-term relationship with a woman, but lately, I can’t shake the urge to see the escort again. While for him, it’s just a job, for me the memories of our sex are what’s keeping me going. I haven’t stopped fantasising about him. I know I could use dating apps or try meeting people, but I’m torn between men and women. At my age, I feel I should know myself better. What do I do?

It's completely normal to feel confused about your sexuality. Some people need time and experimentation to understand their preferences. Remember, attraction can come from many places, like enjoying someone’s company or feeling safe with them. Keep an open mind and be kind to yourself as you explore your identity. Talking to someone who understands what you're going through can be helpful. Try contacting Switchboard LGBT + (switchboard.lgbt) and check out my support pack Finding The Love of Your Life for more guidance.

Dear Deidre

My fiancee is using our child to blackmail me into marriage

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29487837/fiance-using-child-blackmail/

My relationship is toxic and my fiancée, who has cheated on me five times, is now demanding I marry her. I know I need to leave, but she is using our child to emotionally blackmail me - and I’m not strong enough to walk away. I’m 40 and she’s 38. We have a seven-year-old son. Four years ago, while I was going through a difficult time after losing my job, I stupidly cheated on her with an ex. It was a terrible error of judgement and I confessed immediately, apologising with my whole heart. At first, she seemed to have forgiven me. But since then, it’s clear she has been set on revenge. She’s punished me by being emotionally and verbally abusive. She has also cheated repeatedly with various men - I’ve counted at least five in her phone messages - staying out all night and coming home with ridiculous excuses. Understanding that her cheating was pay-back, I asked her to stop, saying I’d learned my lesson, and five men was too many. Instead, she gaslighted me, denying the affairs, and asking why we still weren’t married. She claims it’s embarrassing for our son that we aren’t and I need to prove my commitment to him too. I think she only wants to marry me so nobody else can have me. The truth is, I no longer want to marry her. I don’t even like her. I know I need to end the relationship but I don’t know how to. And I don’t want to lose my son.

Marriage won’t fix a toxic relationship, it’ll only make it worse and more difficult to leave. You’re deeply unhappy, and if she’s honest with herself, so is she.Worse, this isn’t good for your son either, who must sense the tension between you. Tell her you need to talk and make it clear you’re not going to get married. Appeal to her love for your son and ask if you can try to end things amicably for his sake. My support pack, Ending A Relationship, should help you do this.Suggest you have mediation, which will allow you to split while putting your son’s needs first. Find out more from National Family Mediation (nfm.org.uk). You can still be a good father to your son. Contact Families Need Fathers for advice (fnf.org.uk, tel: 0300 0300 363).

Cohabit

My flatmate is sleeping with my ex-girlfriend

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29487840/flatmate-sleeping-ex-girlfriend/

One of my flatmates is sleeping with everybody in our house-share - including my ex-girlfriend - and it really upsets me. We were good friends when we moved in together, but now I’ve lost all respect for her. I’m a 24-year-old guy, and my flatmate is 23. We’ve known each other since university. As rent is so expensive in London, and we all have starter jobs, five of us live together in a four-bedroom house - including my ex. We were on good terms, so living in a shared house with her and other friends wasn’t a problem at first. But then I found out my other female flatmate had started having sex with her when they got drunk. It’s made me feel really hurt and uncomfortable. This flatmate has also slept with the other two guys in the house. I haven’t slept with her because I'm not into casual sex with women I consider to be friends - and I didn’t want to disrespect my ex. The whole scenario is causing an atmosphere in the house and making living there miserable. What can I do?

It sounds like your house needs some rules and boundaries. Call a house meeting and suggest sleeping with each other isn’t a good idea. But be aware your discomfort could come across as jealousy - particularly as you’re the only one who hasn’t slept with this woman, and she’s had sex with your ex. Perhaps talk to her first and explain how you feel. Say you value your friendship. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to get your point across. If things don’t improve, it might be time to consider looking for a new house-share.

TEXT TRUTHS

I found flirty texts from my girlfriend to her ex & they were planning to meet

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29519457/finding-flirty-texts-girlfriend-ex/

MY partner insists she has stopped talking to her ex but she was definitely flirting with him on text. I feel gutted. I’m a 31-year-old man, my girlfriend is 29. We have been together for three years. We used to have a really good sex life and had sex at least three times a week. But recently she hasn’t been bothered and our sex life has dwindled. We haven’t been intimate in any way for weeks. We recently had our anniversary but the only plans she made were to go to a gig with her friend. She didn’t even bother asking me if I would mind. Then, I found messages on her phone, from a conversation with her ex. She had deleted most of the messages but I could tell they were planning to meet from the gist of the conversation. When I confronted her, she eventually admitted her ex wanted to go to a hotel to have sex, for old times’ sake. My partner said she was never going to go but from the messages I could see that she didn’t exactly refuse. She has stopped talking to him now, but I still feel unsettled. I am not sure what to do.

Do you still love her? If so, it is worth seeing if your relationship is worth another chance. Ask her what you can both do to improve the relationship to repair the damage. My support pack, Relationships MOT, can help together with one on Saving Your Sex Life. She is no longer talking to him but of course you’ll watch her like a hawk because your trust has been shattered. One more sign that she is talking to her ex like he is more than a friend then it will be time to walk away.

HEALTH WOES

My partner has cancer but I want to leave him

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29514474/partner-cancer-breakup/

HOW can I leave my partner after he has been diagnosed with cancer? I’m 65, he’s 70 and we’ve been together for five years. I’d been planning to leave because we bicker non-stop when he was suddenly diagnosed with cancer. He is now in remission but we’re both desperately unhappy being together. Now I feel obliged to stay despite it meaning I’d be committed to a life of misery. How can I end this relationship peacefully?

This is a complicated situation but you must do what feels right for you both. If you are unhappy then it is likely he will be too. It’s time to talk through your relationship and see what would work best for both of you. He may also like to separate. One thing is for sure, you won’t resolve anything by bottling up your feelings and pretending everything is fine. If you decide to call it a day, my support pack Ending A Relationship will help you to move forward.

Thank you

You helped me when memories of my abuse resurfaced

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29487842/helped-me-memories-abuse-resurfaced/

When memories of my childhood sexual abuse by a family friend resurfaced, they devastated my life. I felt unable to tell anyone in my family what had happened to me and pushed everyone away, which made me look like an angry and nasty person. I just wanted to move on and heal. I’m a 52-year-old woman. You were so understanding, Deidre. You told me that what had happened to me was in no way my fault and I shouldn’t feel ashamed. Your support pack, Abused As A Child?, was so helpful. You also recommended I contact NAPAC (National Association for People Abused in Childhood) on 0800 085 3330, and HAVOCA, who help adult survivors (havoc.org), and suggested counselling. And you followed up to see how I was doing, which was so touching. I followed your advice and started counselling sessions. I also confided in some close friends and sympathetic family members. I have good days and bad days but am on the path to healing. Your kind words, understanding and guidance helped so much.

It’s so good to hear you’re getting support. Counselling is effective, but it takes time and can be painful. I hope in time the good days outweigh the bad.

HEY BIG SPENDER

My partner walked out after I discussed her out-of-control shopping habits

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29513868/partner-spending-habits-shopping/

I’M concerned about my partner’s shopping habits. We’re both 60 and have been together for five years. When we got together, I had to help her clear up several debts that her two adult children had racked up. Back then my partner worked in a cafe and was earning the bare minimum. We both worked hard to get the debts cleared. Recently she started a new job with a much bigger salary. I thought she would begin paying a fairer share of the household bills but this hasn’t been the case. She also claimed she didn’t have any spare cash, which I thought was odd until I found a new pair of Nike shoes in our cupboard. I immediately realised where all her money is going – on her grandkids, not on our household bills, which I have been struggling to pay. She did admit the trainers were for her grandson, but when I asked her what else she’d bought for them she flew into a rage. Her children constantly ask her for handouts, but surely we need to agree where our money goes together. She ended up walking out of the house and I haven’t seen her since. I’m desperate for her to come home – this was only a few days ago and I don’t know what to do any more.

While it’s normal that your partner may want to help her children and grandchildren, you two are in a relationship – and if you are going to make it work, you need to decide between yourselves how much money she should contribute towards joint bills. After that, any spare funds can be spent as she would like. In short, you both need to agree what you feel is reasonable. Can you contact your partner and ask to meet her on neutral ground to discuss what you both feel would be fair? My support pack Family Finances will help you. Explain how you’re feeling and that you want her to come home. However, if she refuses to come back, you may need to just accept it. My support pack on Mending A Broken Heart could help if she decides to end the relationship.

Dear Deidre

I’m losing my head over my escort neighbour

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29585880/russian-roulette-sleep-neighbour/

My escort neighbour makes me lose my head and I know I’m playing Russian Roulette whenever I have sex with her. I’m 31 and she’s 40. When we’re together, I want her so much I can’t keep my hands off her and end up having unprotected sex. When we first met, I had planned to use a condom, but I got so lost in the moment that we ended up having sex without one. It didn’t matter though, because it was the most amazing experience. Now, I pay to see her at least once a week and I look forward to it every time. I can’t stay away. The only problem is, we are still not having safe sex. I can’t control myself – the sex gives me such an adrenaline rush and the thrill of it keeps pulling me back. She seems to enjoy it just as much as I do. I don’t want anything to change that. I know what I am doing is risky, but nothing bad has happened, so it doesn’t feel so bad. The fear of what could happen fades away every time I see her.I think part of me is addicted to the danger and the excitement of doing something so reckless. I also love the feeling of being wanted by someone older and more experienced. I'm torn between the incredible sex we have and the fear of the consequences. I just can’t stop myself. I'm not even sure if I want to.

You are in complete denial. You are aware of the dangers of having unprotected sex but have convinced yourself STIs happen to other people. Not all STIs flare up straight away - while the incubation period for some infections is days, others can be weeks, months and even years. There were over 390,000 diagnosed cases of STIs in the UK in 2022. Having unprotected sex hugely increases your chances of being included in that club, and having unprotected sex with a sex worker even more still. Please get yourself tested - this is crucial for your health and that of any other sexual partners you might have. Don’t kid yourself - your encounters are business transactions for your neighbour. Ultimately, you only know her on a sexual level. If you are looking for casual sex, make sure it is safe, it’s simply not risking your health or the health of others. My support packs Sexual Health Worries and Addicted To Sex may help you break this destructive cycle.

Three's a crowd

My lover can’t make up her mind between me and another man

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29585898/lover-wont-choose-me/

My lover can’t make up her mind between me and another man. When I met her five years ago, I was convinced I’d finally met the one.When the pandemic happened we ended up having to stay with our individual families - it forced us apart. She took the isolation hard and ended up moving in with the wrong guy. I’m 46 and she’s 43. Her boyfriend is also in his 40s. Three years on, and she’s still with him even though she doesn’t want to be. She’s tried to end things three times, but he is violent towards her and manipulates her into staying. She tells me she misses me and will break up with him. But on the occasions she has finished with him, she then backtracks and the cycle repeats. But this latest time, she’s really hurt me. I genuinely thought we were going to be together. We even made plans for my birthday. I’m not angry or sad, I’m defeated. It's exhausting having my dreams continuously crushed over and over. I know she loves me, but she won't leave him out of guilt and obligation.

Your ex may truly want to be with you but if this man is violent and controlling, he will also have broken down her self-esteem and confidence. It is really difficult for domestic abuse survivors to break away from such a destructive relationship. If it is safe to do so, give her my support pack on Domestic Abuse which details how she can get support. But you would be wise to get on with your life because as lovely as she is, unfortunately she may never choose to be with you.

At a loss

My son has become a recluse since his uncle died

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29560825/ashamed-son-recluse/

My son is a recluse barely leaving his flat. He has isolated himself from all his family and friends since his uncle died two years ago. He was very close to him and thought of him as a father figure.I am his 58-year-old mum. My son is 27 and he only leaves his flat when he needs to go to the shops. His diet is awful, consisting entirely of junk food and takeaways. He rarely drinks any fluids, not even water and it is making me so worried to see him like this. I try to visit him regularly but sometimes he won’t even allow me into his flat. He verbally abuses me in text messages. Some of them are so disrespectful I am ashamed to call him my son. He knows it is wrong because he will apologise to me weeks later. This whole situation is making me so unhappy. I just want my son to be happy but I am at a loss as to what to do.

I share your concerns. Losing his uncle sounds to have knocked your son’s faith in life. He sounds to be both angry and depressed. He might disagree but if you feel this isn’t the case you can find help at Young Minds, (youngminds.org.uk, tel: 0808 802 5544). Suggest he looks at Cruse’s website (hopeagain.org.uk) for the young and bereaved. In the meantime my support pack Coping With Bereavement will help.

So low

Anxiety is damaging my relationship with my children

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29585906/anxiety-damaging-relationship-children/

My sons have asked to live full time with their dad because they say they don’t want to have to put me to bed. I’m 43 and they are 11 and 12. Sometimes my sleeping pills knock me out so quickly I fall asleep on the sofa, but I struggle to sleep without them because I am so anxious. My son broke down recently and said he wanted to live with his dad. But I love my children so much and would miss them. I share custody of them with my ex-husband. I’m also having a hard time with my boyfriend who neglects me. He tells me to stay away whenever his children are visiting. I have to hide in the bedroom when they have dinner together. I understand they want to spend time alone but I wish they would include me every now and again. I worry he’ll see that he’s better than me and finish our relationship. My life is a mess. What should I do?

I'm concerned because your children need you.You mention you have anxiety and it sounds like you might also be depressed. You need to put your children’s safety first, so please consider letting them stay with your ex while you get the support you need. Please contact your GP urgently for help. From what you’ve written your current relationship will not be helping your depression. Your boyfriend is treating you disrespectfully at best. Please read my support pack Addictive Love for some insight into this damaging relationship.

DRY SPELL

My girlfriend has lost all interest in sex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29474696/my-girlfriend-has-lost-all-interest-in-sex/

Sex with my girlfriend used to be amazing, but recently she has lost all interest. I’m at a loss for what to do and I’m worried that our sex life is doomed forever. I’m 53, she's 50 and we’ve been together for two years. In the beginning, we were having sex at least once a day. While I knew things would slow down as we settled into our relationship, the last thing I expected was for my girlfriend to go off of sex altogether. It’s been three months since we were last intimate and every night it’s the same thing; she seems in a race to get to sleep as soon as we go up to bed, rolling over as quick as she can. Anytime I try to initiate she’s got the longest list of excuses; she’s too tired or is worried about her kids hearing us, her back hurts or she’s got to get up early and so it goes on. I’ve tried everything to reignite our spark but nothing seems to work.She always shuts down and changes the conversation if I try to address the elephant in the room I know she was sexually abused by her uncle when she was younger, so a part of me wonders if that has recently come to the surface. The last thing I want to do is pressure her, but how can I fix things if she won’t even talk about it?

There is clearly something deeper at play here. Try not to underestimate the effect that childhood abuse has had on her. My support pack about child abuse will give you an insight into what she has gone through. Another factor to consider is that she could be experiencing menopause symptoms, which can often impact sex drive. My support pack Menopause and How to Revive a Woman's Sex Drive will help. Rekindling the intimacy between you may take time, but as long as you’re being supportive and communicating openly, things will eventually get back on track.

SECOND BEST

My wife is so busy with her career she want us to schedule having sex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29514067/wife-career-schedule-sex/

SEX only happens if my wife can fit it into her weekly schedule. I’m 40 and my wife is 45. We’ve been married for 11 years but have been together for 20. We’re both career driven but my wife has always put her career before everything. She didn’t even have a long maternity leave when she had both of our children. I’ve always known work is very important to her but now it seems there is no room for anything else. Once we enjoyed a spontaneous and fun life but now every little thing has to be plotted. Last week, we’d scheduled morning sex on the weekend until my wife pointed out we’d also agreed to go on a long hike together for the day. She made me choose one or the other as apparently there wasn’t enough time in the day for both. I ended up choosing the hike because the conversation put me off sex. I’ve now begun to feel that making love has become a chore. I’ve tried initiating sex spontaneously but my wife just gets angry. We’ve always had different libidos but it’s never impacted our sex life so badly. Our home life feels more like an office and I feel like I’m constantly being organised. I’ve never felt so rejected and I’m desperate to regain our intimacy. Can I change this?

Your wife may be scheduling everything, including sex, because she feels overwhelmed with all her responsibilities. Of course plotting your whole life in this way won’t make you feel special or cherished in life. Pick a moment to speak to her and say you want things to change, explain how this is making you feel. Ask her if you can come up with a better division of labour to help, or are there areas of your life that you need to rethink? Suggest scheduling intimacy rather than sex. Outline there would be no pressure to have sex but simply spend quality time together. So whether you go for a walk, watch a film, cook dinner together or perhaps have sex, you are making time for one another. Explain that you feel rejected and that you feel like you’re living with a friend. My support pack Looking After Your Relationship will help you both communicate better.

Dear Deidre

My wife’s troublesome best friend manipulated me into ruining my marriage

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29535553/wifes-best-friend-manipulated-me/

My wife’s best friend has played me like a fool. I let her manipulate me and now my marriage is completely dead in the water. Everything unravelled when she turned up at my door. She seemed so upset as she explained she felt morally compelled to tell me my wife was having an affair. I confronted my wife and was shocked when she admitted she had been having a sexual affair with an old boyfriend. I’m a man of 47 and my wife and her friend are both 44. My wife left that night. We were both so upset and I so regret that I didn’t take the chance to tell her I loved her and wanted to work it through. At that time my wife had been receiving stacks of hate mail but from the moment she moved out, it all stopped. Instead my wife’s friend became my confidante. She would constantly turn up and cook for me. Within six months, we became lovers. She cut off my wife completely, calling her “vile” and “disgusting”.My wife did warn me her friend could be a manipulative troublemaker but I paid no attention. Then one day my lover was having problems with transferring data to a new phone and asked for help. While I was syncing her phone I noticed a file labelled with my wife’s name. Opening the file I was shocked to see copies of all the hate mail. I haven’t said a word to her as yet. She still turns up at my house like a smiling assassin. I’ve recently discovered my wife’s affair is over and I’d love to see if we can work things through. On reflection, I can’t blame her for finding love elsewhere. I wasn’t a very considerate husband. I wonder if she’d have me back?

Have some courage. It’s got to be worth reaching out to your wife. She betrayed you hugely but if you are both willing to talk through what went wrong, your marriage has a chance. Whether you and your wife can rekindle your marriage or not, the time has come to kick this other dishonest relationship into touch. Tell your lover what you found and explain you can’t be with someone so destructive. Explain to your wife you feel you have both made mistakes but some couples’ counselling may help you to salvage your marriage. My support pack called Cheating - Can You Get Over It will help.

Falling apart

My life was destroyed when I found out I was conceived through rape

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29434745/life-destroyed-conceived-rape/

Finding out I was conceived through rape has destroyed my life. It feels like my whole existence is a lie, and I don’t know how to get over this. I’m a 42-year-old man, and I always suspected the man who brought me up wasn’t my dad - but my mum denied it. Although my parents didn’t mistreat me, I always felt a distance between us. I noticed they were less affectionate towards me than to my younger siblings. I thought it was because of my personality. Perhaps I was harder to love. Last week, my aunt - who was always very protective of me as a child - got very sick, and I went to visit her in hospital. She said she felt I deserved to know the truth before she died. Then she told me my mum had been raped when she was a young woman and got pregnant with me. Her then boyfriend, my ‘dad’, had agreed to bring me up as his.Although it explains everything - why I never felt truly loved or that I fitted in - I am devastated. I have so many questions, but feel I can’t ask my mother for fear of upsetting her. I’m also terrified that I am in some way like my father. I don’t even know how to begin to process this. Please help.

This shocking revelation has not surprisingly left you reeling and struggling to cope. It’s likely your family kept this a secret from you because they wanted to protect you. They may also have been trying to avoid re-traumatising your mother. As a child conceived via rape, you are a victim too - as the new Victims and Prisoners Act 2024 recognises. It’s known as ‘Daisy’s Law’.And you need support to deal with this. Talking to counsellor would really help you work through your feelings and decide what you want to do next.My support pack about this explains more.

JOB HELL

My boss grabs my bum and tries to kiss me at work but there is nothing going on

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29519374/boss-kiss-work-sex/

I AM scared I will lose my job if I complain about my boss. He is always trying to kiss me and grab my bum. He whispers to me in front of people which makes me really uncomfortable. I am a 28-year-old female. I work in a busy travel agency. I feel like my colleagues will think something is going on between us, which it definitely is not. He is 42 and has a girlfriend but I don’t like him in that way. What makes it worse is that I am good friends with him, which makes it harder to say something. The latest example of his behaviour is when I went to go through a doorway. He sidled up to me and made it difficult to move. I didn’t know what to say and just froze on the spot. I want him to stop being inappropriate with me. It is really getting me down and I am struggling to stay focused on my work when he is around. What can I do?

Whether he is a friend or not, this is sexual harassment. He is taking advantage of his friendship and more senior position to intimidate you. If he does it again, tell him coldly and loudly: “Please don’t touch me, it makes me feel uncomfortable.” If you have a HR department, talk to them about your concerns which they should take seriously. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help you. ACAS can give you the expert advice that you need (acas.org.uk, 0300 123 1100).

Penniless

I want a divorce because my husband doesn't pay towards our living costs

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29434746/divorce-husband-living-costs/

My husband doesn’t pay his share of our living costs, and it’s driving me to contemplate divorce. I’m left to shoulder the burden while he splashes his cash on himself. It’s making me feel resentful. I’m 36 and he’s 39. We’ve been married for five years. When he moved in with me, eight years ago, I already owned a flat, which I’d saved hard to buy. He set up a standing order to pay me for half the mortgage and bills and, when we got married, I put his name on the mortgage. We both work in the charity sector and have very similar salaries. But over the past two years, our mortgage and bills have skyrocketed - I’m now paying about £700 a month more than in the past. I expected my husband to change his standing order to reflect the increases but he didn’t. So now I’m struggling to make ends meet, while he’s enjoying the life of Riley - going out with his friends and planning a holiday. I feel like ending our marriage - but I can’t afford to!

Walking away from your marriage certainly wouldn’t solve your financial problems. If you love your husband, you need to resolve this by being honest. Make it clear his behaviour isn’t acceptable and ask him to pay his share. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself should help you get the message across effectively. Perhaps it’s time to set up a joint account for shared expenses.My support pack Family Finances would also be helpful for you both to read.

Dear Deidre

I hate my lover's wife because she has given him the family I desperately want

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29415167/hate-lovers-wife/

I hate my lover’s wife for giving him something I can’t - a family. He’s been married for 17 years. He’s 39 and the manager of a pet food store. I’m 28 and the assistant manager. From the get-go, we hit it off. He showed me the ropes and I enjoy the job. We were stock-taking one night and that’s when he kissed me. It took all our self control not to have sex right there and then, but within days we were meeting outside of work for regular sex. He has always said his marriage was dead in the water but he stayed with her for his four kids. Our affair was so passionate that after three months he moved in with me. We are inseparable. He talks constantly about his children and I know he misses them. I’ve always made it very clear I’d support him seeing his children whenever he wanted. I understand how important they are to him. So I was taken aback when one day I asked him about our future. He stopped in his tracks and announced ‘I don’t want any more kids’. I long to be a mum. We don’t always use contraception and I’d hoped that I would get pregnant easily but I keep getting my period. His kids are upset he’s with me and his wife has said that despite our affair, she’d have him back in a heartbeat. Yet, I can’t give up my dream of having children. It’s the elephant in the room which neither of us wants to address. If I bring our relationship to a close because of this, he’ll go straight back to his wife. It won’t be for her but for his kids. I love him and want this to work.

Your relationship is in its infancy so talking babies may be too soon. He’ll always have that pull to go back to his kids. If things were to work out, have you thought about being stepmum to four children? There’s no compromise - if you can’t agree on starting a family then you have to manage your expectations. If you get pregnant, you risk alienating him. Leave it for another few weeks and then bring up the subject again. If your lover is determined that more children aren’t in his remit, then you’ll have to decide which is more important to you - him or a baby. My support pack on counselling will help you to find emotional support while you work through this decision.

Abrupt ending

My son cannot move past his heartbreak

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29415170/son-cannot-move-past-heartbreak/

Hearing my grown son crying in his bedroom because he can’t move on from his lost relationship is desperate. He’s 21 and was always a sociable lad. He went to university at 20 and he met this lovely girl who was 24. They started dating and I’d never seen him so happy. After seven months she ended the relationship because he wouldn’t commit fully to her. She wanted them to get a place alone but he couldn’t afford the rent. She has moved on now. Her friends were his housemates so when their relationship ended, they stopped speaking to him. He dropped out of uni and came home. He’s brokenhearted. I’ve suggested a few different things and he’s been on dates but he comes home saying, “They’re not her”. He says life isn’t worth living but he’s promised he won’t do anything silly because he wouldn’t put me, my husband or his grandma through the upset. I’m his mum and I’m 45.

Most people endure heartbreak at some stage but it won’t be easy to hear your son so upset. Explain to him that if it wasn’t right for either of them at the time, then it was very unlikely to work out in the long term. We can all have a tendency to remember relationships as better than they were. So remind him there will have been reasons why he was hesitant to commit. He can find some free counselling through The Mix (themix.org.uk, 0808 808 4994). Their helpline is for anyone under 25. Their counsellors offer up to eight sessions for free.

Floppy

Why does everything deflate during sex with my girlfriend?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29415169/deflate-sex-girlfriend/

Reaching peak sexual excitement with my girlfriend is possible for me, but then something changes and everything deflates. I’m a man of 33 and I thought this was when I’d be in my prime. My girlfriend is 29. We are both each other’s firsts. Sex the first time was rubbish but I figured it was nerves. I had three attempts to put a condom on and then I realised I was still wearing my socks - not a great look. My girlfriend didn’t seem to mind. She said next time will be better. We met online and we live over 100 miles away from one another so right now, our meet-ups are scarce but in between we’ve enjoyed some pretty steamy video calls. Last week, I couldn’t wait to see her again. Friday night came and I met her off the train. I opened some wine and we started kissing while the dinner I’d made was cooking in the oven. I got hard enough and I thought, ‘This is it. I’m going to go the distance’, but then out of nowhere I lost the feeling and couldn’t even climax. I feel so upset and frustrated by it. What am I doing wrong?

Probably nothing. This sounds like classic performance anxiety - you worry about it once and then it happens a second time. If you’ve been using pornography for sexual relief, you can become overly reliant on your own touch, which won’t have helped. Taking your time is key so focus on your girlfriend and make sure you are doing things which make her feel good. Ask her to tell you and guide your hands. You can do the same by asking your girlfriend to touch you in those erogenous zones. Massage, kissing and caressing can all help. Asking her to put on the condom can be more of a turn on than fumbling around yourself. Only attempt intercourse when you feel ready. My support pack called Solving Erection Problems will help.

DATING DISTRESS

Why do women constantly take advantage of me?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29560829/women-constantly-advantage/

I have no problem meeting women but most of them end up taking advantage of me. I really want to have a steady relationship with someone but if I show a woman even a little bit of kindness, they use it to walk all over me. I’m a 32-year-old man. The relationships usually start off well because I’m generous and kind. I usually pay for dinners and buy nice presents for the woman I’m dating as I think it’s the right thing to do. This has backfired on me so many times and I get nothing in return and eventually the relationship ends when I become frustrated. The last girl I dated had a few problems. I listened to her and treated her with respect. She then told me I was an amazing guy but friend zoned me. I just want to meet someone to settle down with but I wonder if it will ever happen.

You don’t need to shower women with money or gifts to win them over. Resist the temptation to flash the cash and concentrate on really getting to know a potential girlfriend. By throwing money at a new date, you attract the wrong type of partner, or put off the potentially right partner. If we have no boundaries and always aim to please, we leave ourselves wide open to being walked over. Have faith in your character. My support pack Raising Self-Esteem will help you.

Dear Deidre

My girlfriend's sexual kinks have gone too far

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29560822/girlfriend-leave-me-refuse-sexual-kink/

I am uncomfortable about my girlfriend’s recent suggestions to spice up our sex life. Something has made her racier all of a sudden. She keeps asking to try S&M. I really don’t want to do any of this, but I don’t know how to refuse without making her think I am a bit of a bore in bed. I am 31 and she is 42. She’s a fair bit older than me and much more experienced too. We have been together for a year and I’ve really fallen for her. She’s gorgeous, clever and keeps me on my toes. She has always been adventurous when it comes to intimacy. She loves role play and dressing up. She says ordinary sex is too vanilla and boring. Recently her tastes have become more extreme. She says she can’t get sexually excited if there isn’t an element of risk. Previously, I was happy to indulge her. I’ve never said no to sex in public places and I find blindfolding her a turn on. But now I’m concerned because she’s even started to mention choking. This for me is another thing entirely. It scares me. I don’t want to give it or receive it. Why would I want to hurt the woman I love? And I know it could go wrong. I am not prepared to take a risk. I would be devastated if she came to harm. I am scared that if I refuse her new tastes she may get bored of me. Or that she will go out looking for someone who will be more edgy – someone who doesn’t care about her like I do – and potentially put herself in danger. Should I say yes and hope that if we try it once she won’t want to do it again?

Nobody should ever do anything that makes them uncomfortable just to keep their partner happy. You have a right to refuse and if she loves you, she should accept your decision. If she doesn’t then it suggests she cares more about her own sexual thrills than your feelings. Your concerns about choking are valid. Some believe it is a normal part of sex but it is fraught with dangers. Be clear you are happy to explore new sexual experiences together but choking is not on the agenda. Be honest with her. Explain how you feel and why. My support packs Standing Up For Yourself and 50 Ways To Spice Up Your Sex Life will help.

Frustrated

My wife won't talk to me about her refusing to have sex with me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29415173/wife-wont-talk-refusing-sex/

Trying to communicate with my wife about the impact of her refusing sex with me, is like banging my head against a brick wall. We’ve been married for eight months and together for four years. We had sex on our honeymoon three times and as soon as we got home, sex was off the cards. There’s so much love between us but something has happened and I don’t know what it is. She’s 34 and I’m 36. I’ve done lots of research into why her libido is so low but she has done zero research. She won’t see the doctor or a therapist with me. I try to instigate sex but she makes me feel like a sex pest as she pushes my arms away. She says I’m too sex-focused yet I’m not. I‘m crabby and frustrated. I just want to feel loved and be touched. We used to have sex all the time but it’s stopped.

She may have felt that now you are married, she no longer needs to put the effort in. Sex may not have been something she enjoyed but she hasn’t told you. If she won’t get any therapy, it doesn’t mean that you can’t go alone. Find a moment to tell her that you can’t live like this and go to see a counsellor who can help you. She may see that she’s going to lose you unless something changes. A counselling session would help her to open up and talk if she feels safe. My support pack How Counselling Works will help. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal

Dear Deidre

My serial cheat wife broke me when she slept with my brother

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29381786/serial-cheat-wife-slept-brother/

My wife has cheated, having sex with multiple other men throughout our marriage, but her last affair has broken me - she’s sleeping with my brother. We are both 46, have been married for almost 20 years and have three kids. We met at college but the summer we left, we hooked up for a couple of dates and our relationship slowly developed. She has always been the lively, sociable one in our relationship and I always felt lucky that she wanted to be with someone as quiet and reserved as me. I knew she cheated on me right from the start, though, and I have to take some responsibility as mostly I have turned a blind eye - for the sake of our family. When it first happened, she felt bad and confessed but she hasn’t changed. She’s cheated on me with work colleagues, men she met in the pub, men who’ve come to the house doing jobs — even the hairdresser she said was gay. I’ve even brought up our youngest, knowing she wasn’t mine.But this feels personal. I knew she was up to her old tricks when she was being secretive with her phone - but when I saw a message pop up on her phone from my brother, the penny or bombshell dropped. I couldn’t believe it when she said I was overreacting. He’s 50, married and I have a terrible relationship with him. He bullied me when we were children. My friends are all telling me to leave her but I can’t help loving her in spite of it all.

It’s easy for outsiders to take a strong line but conflicting emotions come up when it’s your home that is going to be broken. Secrets like this have a habit of revealing themselves and if your kids find out, they’ll be traumatised, never mind the wider family. If your children are aware of your wife’s infidelity, it is very damaging for them. They’ll grow up thinking her behaviour is part of normal family life. She’s repeatedly cheated on you, so I’m not sure it’s realistic she will change, unless she makes a real commitment to working through her issues. You’ll both need to be honest about what you need to rebuild your marriage. And please start speaking up for yourself. You are just as important in the relationship. If she’s willing to give your marriage a real chance, my support pack called Cheating — Can You Get Over It? details more support.

No consent

My partner stealthed me after I told him to use a condom

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29381788/partner-stealthed-me-condom/

My partner ignored me when I explained we could only have sex with protection. Despite my protests he carried on regardless. He is a man of 37 and I’m 35. We work in the same hospital. I had two ectopic pregnancies in my last relationship and was warned by my doctor not to risk another one. This colleague seduced me by saying how beautiful I was and said he wanted to marry me. As we became closer he asked me to go on the Pill but I’ve never been able to take it. He already had two children and said he didn’t want any more. I didn’t want to risk my life so I told him he had to use a condom when we had sex. We were getting intimate when I reminded him about the condom but he ignored me. I was upset and angry and shouted, “No!” at him, but he continued, finished his business and then stormed off. I was late for my period after that and terrified I was pregnant but thankfully a pregnancy test was negative. Now I miss him a lot. I have forgiven him in my heart. I really love him and would love to get married.

I’m sorry to say, but this man raped you. You did not consent to sex without a condom and if anyone says they are wearing one when they are not, or takes one off during sex, it is called stealthing. Stealthing is seen as rape in the UK and he could go to prison. This man is not worthy of you. Please reach out for emotional support. There is a lot for you to process, including whether you want to report this man which may stop him doing this to somebody else. Contact Rape Crisis (rapecrisis.org.uk, tel: 0808 802 9999) for advice.My support pack called Have You Been Raped explains more.

Self-conscious

My boyfriend is so good in bed that I feel insecure

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29487838/boyfriend-good-bed-insecure/

My boyfriend is so good in bed that it’s making me feel inadequate and insecure. He concentrates on my pleasure so intensely that sometimes I have to ask him to stop. I want to please him in return, but I don’t know how. I’m 26 and he’s 28. We’ve been together for six months, and I’m really falling for him. Until I met him, I always thought I’d had a good sex life with previous boyfriends. Now I know my past sexual experiences were decidedly average. My partner is an incredible lover. He brings me to ecstasy every time, again and again. I should feel happy and lucky. Instead, I’ve started worrying that I’m not good enough in bed. My sexual confidence has disappeared and I find myself not knowing how or where to touch him. He’s not very vocal, which makes it hard to know what he enjoys. In fact, he seems to get more pleasure out of giving me pleasure, than receiving it. I’m like a bag of nerves in bed. I feel like I’m not experienced enough for him. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal Sometimes, I worry that he’s going to tire of me and find someone else. I feel anxious that I’m not pretty enough, or my body isn’t good enough. I never used to have these insecurities about sex, and I don’t understand why I feel this way - when he is so lovely both in and out of bed. How can I become more confident in the bedroom?

Just as some people get more pleasure from giving gifts than receiving them, so it is with sex. Your boyfriend clearly loves having sex with you, as he can’t get enough. And your relative lack of experience isn’t a problem - every new couple needs time to get to know each other’s bodies and preferences. It’s always a matter of trial and error. He isn’t comparing you to his past lovers - he’s too busy bringing you to ecstasy. If he isn’t vocal when you pleasure him, it doesn’t mean he isn’t enjoying himself. Some people are just quiet in bed. Ask him to show and tell you what he really likes. Good communication is essential for great sex, and talking in bed can be a major turn on. My support pack, Raising Self-Esteem should help you to build your confidence up.

Money owed

I'm my friend's guarantor, but I can't afford his rent

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29381790/friends-guarantor-cant-afford-rent/

My friend has dropped me in it good and proper by getting sacked from his family business. His family run three shops locally. He’s a friend from school and he’s now 33. He’s never been good with money and when he moved into his flat, he asked me to be a guarantor for his tenancy agreement. I didn’t really know what I was signing up for if I'm honest. I’m a 32-year-old female teaching assistant and I thought it was a sort of reference. Now he’s been caught dipping his hands in the till so his family have sacked and disowned him. His landlord keeps writing me nasty emails and now solicitor’s letters, demanding I pay his rental arrears. I can’t afford to do that. I’ve been told I may have to appear in court if I can’t get the money together and my friend isn’t answering my calls.

As a guarantor, the document you signed said that you would ‘guarantee’ to pay the rent if your friend defaulted on his payments. Sadly, the lettings agent has had to serve notice that they’re calling in your part of the deal. Go and see your friend and speak to him face-to-face. If he can’t or won’t pay the rent arrears, go cap in hand to his family and explain the situation. If they refuse to help you out of the situation, find help about support and your next possible steps through your local Citizens Advice Bureau who should be able to help you (citizensadvice.org.uk).

BREAKING POINT

My husband punched me when he was drunk and I threw him out of the house

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29366424/husband-punched-me-when-drunk/

I THREW my husband out a month ago after he punched me in a drunken rage. I know he is an alcoholic but he is in denial and says he can stop whenever he likes. I’m 33 and my husband is 35. He hasn’t been home once in all that time but wants to come back. He says that he loves me but in the weeks we have been apart he hasn’t stopped drinking or attempted to show he’s trying to change. It is a cycle we regularly get into. He does something abusive while drunk, we argue then he promises to stop drinking. He manages to stop for a week or two then slips back into drinking again. This is the first time he has been violent and it scared me so I have been strong and I haven’t let him come home, even though yet again he says he is going to stop. He says that this time it is different. He says he is going to prove to me he can stop, that he doesn’t have an issue. I can’t commit to that due to the false promises he has made so many times before. How can I trust him when he constantly lets me down? I am so lost.

Stay strong. Nothing will change until your husband admits he has an alcohol problem. When he is sober, tell him you are worried for his life and health. Encourage him to see his doctor. If he won’t make an appointment, then there is not much you can do. As with all addicts, he has to want to change. You can’t force him. You can find help through my support packs called Abusive Partner and Dealing With A Problem Drinker. It’s time to look after your own welfare. Find support through al-anonuk.org.uk (0800 0086 811), who help the partners and families of those with a drink problem.