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ON THE EDGE

My wife is living beyond our means and spending money we don't have

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29366423/wife-spending-money-we-dont-have/

I’M concerned about my wife who spends money we don’t have. She works part time but never contributes towards the bills. She has a car loan and I end up paying her credit card bills now as she is behind on them. I’m 37 and my wife’s 35. We’ve been married for 11 years and have two daughters aged eight and six. As I’m the main earner my wife says I should pay the bills. She spends all her money on her nails, hair and sometimes Botox too. She says she wants to have veneers on her teeth and mentioned a holiday to Thailand, neither of which we can afford. Some months we run out of money days before pay day and yet I’m meant to provide everything for my family. I feel as though my wife is in denial. She is living beyond her means and it is really stressing me out.

You are working hard and doing everything for your family. Please talk to your wife about how worried you are. Let her know you feel under pressure and need her help. Ask her to sit down with you and sort out your finances in a way which is fair to you both. It might be best if you put your salaries into one account and pay all your bills and essentials out of that shared pot. Any funds left over could be split equally. My Family Finances support pack should help with this.

ODD JOB SCAM

I'm worried my handyman has ripped me off

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29474700/lent-money-worried-scam/

I lent some money to someone I thought I could trust but now I’m worried that I've been scammed. I’m a 86-year-old man and ever since my wife died four years ago I’ve been living alone. I had always been quite independent, but as my health has declined I’ve found it harder to do jobs around the house. So when a young lad knocked on my door offering to do handy work I jumped at the opportunity. He told me that he was 22 and was looking to make some extra cash. For months he helped me, whether that was fixing broken cupboards or cutting my grass. Over time we grew quite close, so when he told me he was having money struggles I felt compelled to help. At first, he seemed reluctant, but after promising to pay me back I lent him £3,000. But as soon as I gave him the money he disappeared and never came back. Now he won’t answer any of my calls and I feel like a complete fool.How could I be so stupid?

I’m sorry this has happened to you and I can only imagine how hurt you must feel. Try not to beat yourself up. You were being kind and thought you were helping someone you could trust. If he still continues to ignore your calls, you can find out how to take legal action through the Gov UK's website (gov.uk/options-if-youre-owed-money). If nothing comes of it you may need to see this as a learning curve and be cautious lending money to anyone again.

Dear Deidre

I'm delighted my wife is pregnant, but I can't get over her affairs

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29434742/wife-pregnant-affairs/

Although I’m delighted my wife is having my baby, I can’t get over her affairs. I’m plagued with thoughts of her having sex with other men.We’ve been married for eight years. I’m 38 and she’s 36. Last summer, we went through a rough patch. We’d been trying unsuccessfully to conceive for over a year. Sex had become routine and unfulfilling. The spark had gone out of our relationship and we argued a lot. One day, my wife told me she needed space because she wasn’t sure she loved me anymore. She arranged to go on holiday for a week with her best friend.When she came back, she said she wanted to give things another go. I was happy. But then she told me that while on holiday she’d had a one night stand. She also admitted to a brief affair with a guy from work. She said they’d meant nothing. It was simply about attention - attention I no longer gave her. She’d been feeling lost and lonely, and they made her feel attractive.I was devastated but, as I still loved her, agreed to work on our relationship. Since then, we’ve been going on dates, being more affectionate and talking a lot. We’ve also got our sex life back on track. And last month, she found out she was pregnant at last. The problem is, I’m struggling to get over her infidelity. I feel I need to know every last detail of what happened, and I lie awake at night picturing her with these men. She’s promised never to cheat again and I believe her. But I still can’t move on. And even though I know it’s irrational, a little part of me wonders if I’m really our baby’s dad.

Getting over infidelity and rebuilding trust in a relationship doesn’t happen overnight. The way you’re feeling is absolutely natural. Don’t seek the details of her infidelity - they won’t help you move on. In fact they will only provide an anxiety-fuelled distraction. She cheated, now you need to focus on why and how you can improve things. See my support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It? for more on this. It’s important you let her know you’re struggling. You’re having a baby together and they will need happy, united parents. Having some relationship counselling - alone and/or together - could help you work through your feelings. You can find support through Tavistock Relationships (www.tavistockrelationships.org, tel: 020 7380 1960).

DEAR DEIDRE

I caught cheating husband making flirty call captured on our Ring doorbell

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29353811/caught-cheating-husband-ring-doorbell/

LISTENING to every filthy word of my husband’s phone call over our Ring video doorbell I got the real reason behind our sudden separation – he’s been having sex with another woman. We separated two months ago but last week, I overheard him on the phone to her as he returned from work. He’d forgotten the motion sensors alert me whenever someone is near our front door. As soon as I saw the image of him on our threshold, I was intrigued as it was obviously a very involved conversation. I’m 50 and my husband is 55. We’d been married for 30 years before he suddenly announced he wanted a separation, saying he felt we’d grown too far apart. I was devastated and confused, I always felt our life was good.We’d always had a happy family life and I was proud of the way we brought up our three, now adult, children. Despite pleading and begging him to try and work things, he insisted on moving out of our bedroom but agreed we’d still live together until our house sold. Now I’m convinced the reason he’s pulled the plug on our marriage is this woman who he is so obviously having sex with. I’d always been suspicious of one of his younger colleagues. She’d made a beeline for my husband at the Christmas party which I went to with him. She had no qualms flirting with him even though I was right there. They were always getting lunch together and he would constantly talk about how nice she was. I once asked him if he was cheating on me with her but he just laughed it off. All I’ve ever wanted is a happy family but it’s fallen apart. I worry that I never meant a lot to my husband as he was able to move on so quickly. How do I move past this?

Finding out your husband is in a new relationship is extremely tough – especially when he hasn’t been honest with you. You can tell him what you heard and ask him to come clean but be prepared that he may still refuse to talk openly with you. Whether there is any hope of reconciliation or not, it would help to have relationship counselling, even if only to ensure you can separate with dignity. Tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960) can help you find a reputable therapist. Try to look after yourself, as you need to be as well as possible to deal with this hurtful development. My support pack called Mend Your Broken Heart has more advice.

CRUEL BETRAYAL

My husband has been sharing topless pictures of me on sex websites

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29353833/husband-topless-pictures-sex-websites/

MY husband is sharing my private photos online. We’re in our thirties and have been married for ten years. We’ve had an active sex life but recently I found out he’s been putting photos of my boobs on sex forums. Now he’s suggested I go on cam chats and get naked with strangers. He seems to think we can launch some sort of career out of it but this doesn’t appeal to me. I know he’s worried about money but I feel so betrayed that he would consider this. What should I do?

It is illegal to share private images online without your consent. Find out more about this at revengepornhelpline.org.uk. Do not go along with this idea if it makes you uncomfortable. You should not be pressured into something sexual against your will. If your husband is worried about finances, sit down and have a conversation. My support packs Family Finances and Looking After Your Relationship will help.

HAD ENOUGH

I cannot tolerate socialising with my wife's sexist and rude friend

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29366420/wife-sexist-and-rude-friend/

I DREAD socialising with a couple we’ve known for years because of the husband’s lewd behaviour. I am 54 and my wife is 52. Her friend’s husband is a pain in the neck. He is always telling rude jokes and boasts about his sexual past whenever his wife leaves the room. We see them once a month or so but I have had enough. The last time we met he commented on my wife’s figure and said she looked really sexy. He has sent my wife inappropriate videos too. I have told my wife I am uncomfortable with this sort of behaviour and don’t want to go back there. But she makes me feel bad if we don’t go and we end up arguing. I told her that if we go again I will end up punching him. So should I stand my ground or go in order to keep my wife happy?

This man’s behaviour is totally inappropriate but your wife’s friend can’t make her husband change. There is room for compromise so suggest to your wife that she sees her friend alone – without either partner getting involved. That way neither you nor your wife have to encounter this man and she can happily see her friend without needing to get either of you involved. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help you to speak to your wife without it causing another row.

Dear Deidre

My fiance has been cheating on me with his sister's best friend

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29474695/fiance-cheating-sisters-best-friend/

After months of planning my wedding, I discovered that my fiance has been cheating on me with his younger sister’s best friend. He’s called it all off now but it was going on for months. It unsettles me that this woman is so close and involved with my family so we’ll never be able to escape from her. I’m 37, he’s 39 and we’ve been together for nine years. We have two sons who are nine and four. We had always wanted to get married but when I fell pregnant with our first son it all fell on the back burner. When he decided to get on one knee, I was taken completely by surprise. As soon as I got home, I instantly started planning our big day. I was so happy. Then one day I caught a glimpse of his phone and saw a sexual message pop up from this woman. I had to know what was going on so I went through his phone. My heart sank when I saw the truth. Not only were the messages flirty and explicit, it was clear they had slept together. Showing him, he instantly came clean and promised it would never happen again. For the sake of our kids I chose to believe him, but every time I see him smiling at his phone I can’t help but fear the worst. Now I’m unsure if I can even go through with the wedding. How can I marry a man I don’t trust?

It is natural to have doubts after a shock like this. The man you love has betrayed you and coming back from that won’t be easy. You have to decide if you can overcome what he did, and if it’s possible for trust to be rebuilt. The last thing you want to do is marry someone who you’re not sure about. You need to talk to him about his affair and why he strayed. Explain how much it’s getting you down and be honest about how you feel. It may be best to consider postponing your wedding until you’re both in a better place. While you can’t control this woman’s close proximity to your family, the more you build your relationship with your fiance, the more she will fade into the background. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? explains how you can work through this together. Also, consider counselling for couples. You could arrange this through tavistockrelationships.org.

Over it

My marriage is a failure but my wife won't address our issues

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29560823/marriage-failure-wife-issues/

My marriage is a failure but I carry on pretending everything is fine because my wife simply refuses to talk about any issues. I’m 59 and she’s 57. We’ve been married for 35 years. It was a shotgun wedding because she got pregnant and our parents pressured us to marry before our daughter was born. She is a strong woman and she’s alluded to having been badly hurt in her two relationships before me. Still she won’t go into any detail and it’s made her so angry and bitter. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve tried to get her to open up. I’ve never been successful. We have been living in the same home for our entire married life pretending everything is fine when it is not. We really don’t know one another at all. I just want my wife to be at peace with herself. I want to be free of her but at the same time I don’t want to divorce.Would separating be the solution?

If you’re faking being happy in a relationship, you deprive yourself of a satisfying, happy life. There may be many reasons why your wife refuses to talk about it. It may be difficult to share the hurt and pain, making herself vulnerable, even after all this time. Some people prefer to suppress their feelings and never speak up, choosing instead to cope in their own way. But this has left her feeling angry and bitter and neither of you are living an authentic life. If she won’t talk to you, perhaps you could suggest you both talk to a couples counsellor who can help her move on and work out if there is any hope for your marriage. My support pack How Counselling Helps explains more.

Labour of love

Caring for my Mum is ruining my life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29487843/caring-mum-ruining-life/

Caring for my mum is ruining my life. I know it sounds mean and selfish but I just want to be a normal teenager and have fun with my friends. I’m 17 and my mum is 42. She has MS and is in a wheelchair. My dad left her years ago. As I’m her only child, I have to do everything for her - bathing her, dressing her, doing the housework and all the cooking and food shopping. Fitting it in with my college work is really hard. I have no social life, and my friends don’t understand why I can never hang out with them. I love my mum and want to help her, but it feels like I have no life at all.

You’re not mean or selfish. Being a young carer is incredibly difficult. It’s good that you’ve reached out for help. The Children’s Society has information for young carers on its website and can direct you to local projects (childrenssociety.org.uk). Talk to your teachers and friends about your situation, so they understand. Also read my support pack, Help for Carers.

Overgrown

I'm terrified to take my clothes off during sex because of my hairy back

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29381789/terrified-clothes-off-sex/

I’m too scared to take my clothes off to have sex because of my hairy back. I don’t think girls would like it would they? I’m a 23-year-old man and my parents are Greek so I’ve inherited their dark genes and their thick black hair. Consequently, I have hair everywhere including all over my back and bottom. I’ve never had a proper relationship but I’ve had lots of sex. I normally chat girls up in clubs or pubs and I get lucky that way. I tuck my shirt into my jeans so that no one gets a glimpse of my back. I have recently met somebody at work who I really like. She’s 25 and we get along well. I want to ask her on a date but I’m worried she’ll take one look at my back and run a mile.

If it’s knocking your confidence, you can get rid of it through laser treatment or waxing. Find a reputable beauty therapist and make some enquiries. Having lots of casual sex will raise your insecurity on this issue, as you’re navigating the same thing, over and over again. Now that you have met this woman at work who you get on well with, focus on building up the relationship to the point where sex is the next natural step. If you trust one another then, you can ask her about your back. She may say get rid - or she might just love it.

DEAR DEIDRE

My wife doesn't satisfy me so I'm sleeping with female pal to save our marriage

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29338048/sleeping-with-best-friend-attempt-save-marriage/

IN an attempt to keep my marriage alive, I’ve found myself having occasional sex with a female friend. I know it’s wrong, but I feel like it’s the best solution. Like most men of my age, I have sexual needs - but sadly, my wife isn’t interested in satisfying them. I’m 52 and my wife is 50. We’ve been married for 22 years. Our sex life was never a problem until a few years ago, when my wife completely lost interest. If I tried to initiate sex, she would say she was too tired or that I was being a pest. I have a high sex drive. Ideally, I’d like sex every day, but I’m prepared to compromise and have it only twice a week - hardly excessive. Every so often, I would manage to get her in the mood, but it was such an effort, and she showed such little interest, that I couldn’t maintain my erection. That was upsetting and stressful. Since then, I’ve hardly made any effort to seduce my wife at all. A few months ago, I caught up with an old female friend and, over a few drinks, confessed my unhappiness. She’s been single since her divorce, and said she misses sex too. The drunker we got, the more we flirted, until we ended up at her house, where she led me into the bedroom. I had no problem performing. The sex was marvellous and I felt re-energised after, if a little guilty. Since then, we have been to bed a few times. I’m now thinking I should continue with this purely physical ‘affair’ which suits both me and my lover. My wife is happier too as I’m no longer ‘pestering her’. Is this a good idea?

If you truly believed this was a good idea, you wouldn’t be writing to me. While it’s a practical solution, it can’t work in the long run. You clearly feel guilty, your lover might want to move on, and - most importantly - your wife might find out. If you love her, as it sounds like you do, you need to sort out your sexual problems within your marriage - not outside of it. Tell her how you long to feel closer to her again and ask if she’ll work on this with you. My support packs, Love and the Mature Woman and Reviving a Woman’s Sex Drive, should help. Given her age, menopause could be a factor. Ask her to see her GP.

PUTTING HER FOOT DOWN

My wife will not let me wear flip-flops on holiday and I am fed up

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29353834/wife-ban-flip-flops-holiday/

AS soon as I put my flip-flops on when we’re on holiday my wife flips out. I’m 70 and she is 65. We’re going on holiday to Greece in two weeks and I know she’s going to start moaning the moment I get my feet out. Whenever she sees them she says “no one wants to see that” but I don’t understand what else I’m supposed to wear when I’m sitting next to a pool or on a beach. I do have a couple of broken toes and dry skin but they’re not that bad. I’m fed up with the same argument on every holiday we go on.

Some people do have a genuine fear of feet – podophobia – but your wife sounds like she just doesn’t like yours. Have a talk to her and ask her exactly what her issue is – is the problem something you can resolve? My support pack Standing Up For Yourself should help you to approach your wife on this issue. You both deserve to feel comfortable so that you can enjoy a holiday.

NO PLEASURE

I underwent FGM as a child - is this why I don't enjoy sex?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29353843/sex-hurts-female-genital-mutilation/

AS a child, I underwent female genital mutilation. I’m convinced it’s affected my enjoyment of sex. Is there any medication I can take to make sex more pleasurable? My husband and I are in our 40s, we share three beautiful children aged between five and 11 years old. We moved to the UK from a country in Africa more than 14 years ago shortly after we got married. I was glad to move away as I didn’t want my daughter to experience what I did. Being cut as I was has always meant that sex has been painful but my husband has never understood why. We’ve always had problems with sex and now I don’t want to have sex with him at all because the pain is excruciating. I really want to show my husband how much I love him by being physically close but I can’t bear the discomfort. I have tried everything to ease the pain but nothing has worked. Now, I’m desperate to find a solution so I can enjoy my sex life for the first time and before my relationship ends. My husband is fed up with a sexless marriage, we haven’t had intercourse together for three years. What can I do to solve this issue?

Female genital mutilation, which describes partial or total removal of the female external genitalia for non-medical reasons is illegal here in the UK. I’m sorry this unnecessary procedure was carried out on you and has left you with lifelong limitations. Your clitoris, the ultimate sexually sensitive area of the female body, was removed, but there are other very sensitive erogenous zones in the female body. My support pack Understanding The G-spot will help you understand how you can still achieve an orgasm in the absence of a clitoris. The G-spot is an area right inside your vagina, just behind the pubic bone, if it is stimulated in the right way it may help you to achieve orgasm. I’m also concerned you write about being in pain so please go and see your GP who will be able to refer you for specialist care.

Clinging on

My boyfriend and I broke up six months ago, but we still sleep with each other

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29434747/boyfriend-broke-up-sleep-each-other/

Since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up six months ago, we have slept together several times. He told me he still loves me but he doesn’t want to get back together, and I think he’s seeing other women. Am I being used? I’m 24 and he’s 25. We were together for six years, and were each other’s first serious relationship. Things fell apart because we kept arguing, but we have stayed friends. I would do anything to get him back, but he says it’s over for good.However, every time we meet up, we end up in bed. The sex is great - better than ever. The next morning, I always feel bad and we agree not to let it happen again. I also suspect he’s dating other women, but he denies it. My best friend says he’s using me, and I’m letting him. I don’t know what to do. I know I need to move on, but I can’t.

Getting over your first love is never easy. It’s probably not easy for him either. But while he might not be deliberately using you, sleeping together is stopping you both from moving on. It’s possible you can be friends in the future, when your feelings are less raw. Until then, the best thing you can do is to have a complete break from him - no meeting up, messaging or talking. Just space and time. This will give you time to grieve the relationship and build up your emotional strength. My support pack, Moving On, might help.

PETTY CASH

My husband makes me beg for money

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29474698/my-husband-controls-all-of-my-finances/

Since marrying my husband I’ve had no control over any of my finances. I'm 43, he’s 50 and we’ve been together for six years. Until we got married last year we lived separately, so kept our funds separately. When we finally moved in together he suggested we get a joint bank account, and since he paid all of our bills and mortgage payments, in my mind it made sense. However, since we opened it he has paid nothing into it and instead transfers most of my wages out of it every time I get paid. He says he needs it for the bills and that I’m overreacting, but every month I run short and I always end up having to ask for money. To make matters worse he constantly shames me and makes me feel terrible for asking for money, and on several occasions has refused completely. I rarely leave the house without him because most of the time I can’t afford to.

If your husband is controlling your money, then this is financial abuse. Forcing you to depend on him and removing your ability to support yourself is a common tactic used by abusers to gain power and control in a relationship. I’m attaching my support pack Abusive Partners to help you come to terms with this. Knowing where to go from here won’t be easy, but getting help is the first step. Turn2us (www.turn2us.org.uk, 0808 802 2000) is a great charity that helps those in financial need.

DEAR DEIDRE

My husband's infertile but now woman he slept with claims he fathered her child

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29319948/lover-says-infertile-husband-is-dad/

DISCOVERING my husband was infertile was horrendous but then a woman he had sex with came forward and claimed he fathered her child. It’s put our relationship under unimaginable pressure. Worse still she is shameless and has cosied up to his family convincing them her baby is related to them. She constantly posts all about it online. The worst part is that she refuses to do a paternity test. I’m 37, my husband is 39 and we’ve been married for six years. After failing to conceive, we turned to IVF three years ago. At the time we were so hopeful, but then we found out that my husband had Azoospermia, which means he had no sperm in his ejaculate. It hit our relationship really hard. I admit I withdrew from him initially and feel partially responsible for him finding comfort in the arms of another woman. After he cheated he came clean almost instantly, and while it was hard, I chose to stay and work through it. We were finally getting back on track when his former lover turned up and revealed she was pregnant with his child. We were both dumbfounded. While we insisted that it wasn’t possible, she was adamant that she hadn’t slept with anyone else and the child had to be his. Ever since she’s convinced all of his family that he’s the father, despite the fact it’s physically impossible. Now she’s demanding child support and my husband’s family are standing behind her. We’ve tried everything to get through to them, but nobody seems to believe us. What do we do?

You and your husband are working through so much; his infertility, his betrayal and now this woman’s persistence. Establishing paternity of her child is crucial. Even though your husband has denied being the father, if he has been named by the mother as the father, he will have to pay child maintenance until DNA testing proves otherwise. If she keeps refusing this, you may have to take legal action. You can get free advice through your local Citizens Advice (www.citizensadvice.org.uk). It’s clear this woman wants one thing, and that’s to be in your husband's life. While it is upsetting that his family believes this woman, you and your husband are the only two people who really matter here. Do consider relationship counselling to make sure you are working through all of these hefty issues. Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org.uk) can help.

DEAR DEIDRE

My wife said she's not satisfied in bed and wants to try bondage and swinging

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29290313/wifes-extreme-fantasies-alarm-me/

SEX with my wife has always been great - or so I thought. Suddenly, after 20 years together, she’s told me she’s not satisfied and she’d like to try bondage and swinging. Should I take part just to please her? I’m 49 and she’s 47. We have one son, who has gone away to university. Our sex life has always been active. We both have high sex drives and, aside from a short time after our son was born, we’ve had sex several times a week. We do it in lots of positions, my wife always orgasms and she’s always made me feel like I’m a good lover. But last weekend, after we had sex, she said she felt she’d missed out on a lot of experiences in bed. She told me she didn’t want to live with regret and not enjoy herself sexually before she got too old. When I asked what she meant, she said she’d been watching a lot of bondage and group sex porn in secret, and it had really turned her on. Now she wants to give those things a try with me. I was shocked, although I tried not to show it, and said I’d think about it. But the truth is, I know I don’t want to do this. I have no interest in extreme sex. The idea of bondage doesn’t turn me on and as for swinging, it feels grubby. I couldn’t bear to see her have sex with another man. It’s really knocked my confidence and made me feel I’m not enough for her - and perhaps never have been. It’s also made me question whether I know her as well as I thought. However, I’m worried that if I say no, she will go and do it anyway. What should I do?

You should never feel pressured into doing anything sexually that you don’t want to do - and your wife should understand and accept this. If you go along with it just to please her, it could wreck your marriage. Talk to her. Explain how insecure this has made you feel and make it clear that you don’t share her fantasies. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to have this conversation. Offer a compromise. Suggest exploring other ways to be adventurous in bed together. Read my support pack, 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex, which might give you some ideas.

DEAR DEIDRE

I loved being the temptress but now I'm getting a taste of my own medicine

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29261358/loved-being-temptress-getting-taste-of-own-medicine/

I LOVED feeling like the irresistible temptress when I first lured my boyfriend away from his missus. We enjoyed an intense sex life and loved spending time together so I was delighted when he left his wife for me two years ago. But now I feel like the wronged wife after discovering messages on his phone to her — proclaiming that he still loves her. It’s ridiculous. I am 31, he is 15 years older than me and we’ve been together for four years. We met through work. Although I didn’t plan on having an affair, I didn’t feel bad as his wife took him for granted so really she has to take some responsibility. It was a messy separation and I know my partner struggled with guilt for some considerable time. His wife was deeply upset, as were their children. Now I would describe our relationship as generally very happy. We are planning to move in together soon. But he still hasn’t told his family anything about me and I feel like a secret. My partner is very guarded with his phone and doesn’t know I’ve seen his messages. A part of me wished I hadn’t looked. I am afraid to raise it because if we fall out I worry he will go back to his wife. They are separated but neither of them has made any move to divorce. I am certain his wife would take him back straight away. I can’t help but wonder whether I am wasting my time. I don’t want to be hidden away. I know we can’t continue like this because my trust in him lessens every day. Am I being paranoid?

You are tucked away in a secret corner of his life and after four years together, you deserve more clarity. It’s never a good idea to read someone else’s messages, as you rarely discover anything that makes you happy. Don’t rush to conclusions. He could just have been having a momentary wobble about moving in with you. That’s natural before any big life change. Whatever the reason, you do need to sit down and talk to him. You have not met any of his family but if he wants a future with you then you need to discuss and plan for this. It could be that he fears his ex would cause trouble for him if she thought he had a new partner. My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, will help you.

TORN UP

I'm devastated after my husband walked out on me and our children

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29290312/devastated-husband-walked-out-me-children/

MY husband has walked out on me and our children, and I’m devastated. We took vows for better or for worse, but it feels like the minute things got tough, he gave up on our marriage. I miss him desperately and want him back. I’m 36 and he’s 38. We have two young kids, aged six and four. Life has been very stressful lately, with the kids and our jobs. I’m not good under pressure and I’ll admit I was moody and often snapped at him. We did argue a fair bit, mainly because he didn’t do his share around the house, which I found frustrating. But I thought we loved each other and that when this difficult period was over, we’d go back to being happy. Instead, last week, he completely blindsided me by telling me he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He said he doesn’t love me - he has no more romantic feelings at all, and isn’t even sure he likes me as a person. He was so cold, it was shocking. Now he’s gone to stay with his brother and he’s said he’s looking for a flat. I cry myself to sleep every night, wondering what went wrong. How can I win him back?

It sounds like your husband has been unhappy for a long time, but didn’t tell you how he felt. Perhaps there were signs you didn’t notice but he should have been honest, rather than springing this on you. No wonder you’re in shock. Contact him and say you’d like to talk calmly. Remind him you have children to consider, and what the impact of this will be on them. Say you’d like to work on your marriage and suggest going to a counsellor together. My support pack on Counselling will tell you more. If he won’t come with you, it might help you to talk to someone alone.

TRUST ISSUES

My husband’s flirty colleague is threatening my marriage

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29338045/husbands-flirty-colleague-threatening-marriage/

MY husband’s flirty colleague is making me jealous and threatening my marriage. But my husband is oblivious. He’s a silver fox, and I know a lot of women fancy him. But he claims not to notice that she fancies him, and thinks she’s just being friendly. I’m 46 and my husband of 18 years is 47. His colleague is a young woman in her mid-20s. A few months ago, my husband went to a work conference. In all the photos he showed me, I couldn’t help noticing a very attractive young lady. I asked him about her and he said she’s a new member of his team. I thought no more of it, until she started calling him on his mobile and messaging. When he works from home, she Zoom-calls him. I can hear him laughing when he talks to her, and it drives me crazy. He says it’s all completely innocent and they talk about work. He claims they’re just friends, she’s young enough to be his daughter, and she has a boyfriend so I have nothing to worry about. But I don’t trust her. My husband is very handsome and fit for his age, and she must know he has money. Why would a girl her age be friends with a man like my husband if she wasn’t interested in him? There’s another conference again soon, and I feel sick at the thought of my husband and this woman being away together in a hotel. What should I do?

The way you feel says more about your own insecurities than it does about your husband’s relationship with his colleague. He hasn’t hidden his interactions with her from you and he’s done nothing to suggest he’s been unfaithful or intends to be. And you don’t really know she fancies him - you just assume she does. It’s unlikely a young woman her age would be interested in someone his age. And as he says, she has a boyfriend. She probably just likes him and is learning from him. Jealousy can be very destructive if it gets out of control. Read my support pack about this. Talk to your husband and ask for reassurance. Make your relationship the best it can be. See my support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, for more on how to do this.

DEAR DEIDRE

I caught husband cheating with work colleague and I am struggling to forgive

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29366419/caught-husband-cheating-work-colleague/

MY husband has been having an affair with a woman half my age but insists it’s over and was “just about the sex”.It feels like so much more. She is a colleague who has been working closely — too closely — with him on a building project. I had a gut feeling that he was cheating on me and followed him to a pub car park out of town. I watched him get out of his car, walk across the car park and into the arms of a much younger woman. I am 46 and my husband is 48. We have been together for 24 years and have two adult children and a grandchild. His mistress is 23, the same age as my daughter. Recently he’s been making excuses to go out at odd times in the evening. He even told me he’d been called into work on an urgent matter. After witnessing his infidelity first hand, I was gutted but managed to drive home. A couple of hours went by and I sent him a text, making up a story that my cousin’s nephew had spotted him at the pub. He sent a text admitting he was at the pub, saying a client had taken him there for a business meeting. I knew he was lying and added that my cousin’s nephew didn’t speak to him because he saw that he was with another woman. With that, my husband knew the game was up and finally admitted his cheating. He has since ended their affair and changed jobs. He says he regrets everything and it was just sex. I love him but I’m struggling with the knowledge he had sex with someone else.

I’m not surprised. Betrayal is so much more than just sex. It can erode a relationship and building back that trust can take time. Be honest with your husband and explain how you feel. Tell him how much his affair hurt you. With the right support, it is possible to make it past an affair but this is something you will have to do together. Couple’s counselling can help. Contact tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960). It will take some hard work and commitment from both of you to really look at what’s been going wrong. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will also help you.

HIDDEN TRUTH

I'm worried my partner has a secret dark side

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29261354/worried-partner-has-secret-dark-side/

I THINK my partner has a dark side I know nothing about. I keep catching him looking through my wardrobe. I am 42 and my partner is 43. We have been together for over three years. When I confront him he just says he is looking for something. If I visit friends or family without him, I notice that my lingerie and other certain items on my dressing table have moved. I have tried to discuss this with one of my exes as we are really good friends. He thinks he might be a pervert and that he is no good for me but I am starting to think he is just saying that to get me to go back to him. I also recently found a sex toy under my partner’s clothes in a drawer. I don’t know how to discuss this with him. I am confused as sex with him is really good and I have no complaints. I am seriously worried he is hiding something from me.

He may be a cross-dresser. It is important to know most cross-dressers are very happy in their heterosexual relationships. Like many men your partner is in touch with his feminine side and may genuinely like the feel of silky lingerie. It is not a perversion but if this discovery has come as a bolt from the blue, it is only natural to be worried. My support pack on Cross-dressing Worries will help you understand your partner’s needs and also explains specialist support.

WORK CRUSH

Is my engaged colleague stringing me along?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29261351/is-engaged-colleague-stringing-me-along/

MY colleague goes out of her way to speak to me, making excuses to see me after she has finished work for the day. I am a 33-year-old single man. My colleague is 31 and in a relationship. Recently I have become closer to her. We have always got on, have similar tastes and seem to be interested in the same things. She is currently engaged to her partner but is always telling me about her man troubles and doubts for their relationship. She constantly asks for my advice. I don’t really give her advice or comment as it is not my business. I usually just listen but I have started to feel like I actually like her. I don’t know if she feels the same way. Am I reading too much into the situation?

Possibly – that or she may simply want someone to listen to her problems. She may see you as no more than a confidant. I’m not denying your feelings are very real, but I would resist the temptation to tell her. Be friends, but if you really care for her don’t make life difficult for her. It’s a big leap to share your feelings when she is already committed to someone else. Suggest if she has problems in her relationship to seek counselling. You will find the right woman, but waiting for someone who is committed elsewhere is a waste of your time.

Dear Deidre

One day we had video sex, the next my girlfriend ghosted me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29226450/video-sex-girlfriend-ghosted-me/

One evening we were enjoying video sex, the next my online girlfriend ghosted me. I feel completely blindsided and my brother reckons I’ve been scammed. The worst part is, this isn’t the first time this has happened. Now two women blocked me soon after I sent them money. I feel like a total mug. I thought these women were enjoying spending time with me. They both originally contacted me via Facebook. My recent girlfriend seemed particularly lovely. She said she was 28 and her profile picture showed her standing by a swimming pool and smiling. She lived in the Philippines, told me all about her family and wanted to get to know me. I’m a guy of 37 and I’ve never had a long term relationship. We had a lot in common. We both love swimming and even had birthdays in the same month. We’d talk every night via text and sometimes she'd be able to get her video camera working. On a couple of occasions she even stripped off for me and we had video sex. We even started to plan a holiday to Thailand together. When she asked if I’d send her some money so that she could buy a suitcase and new clothes, I didn’t see a problem. I sent her £500 and she thanked me. Next she blocked me. My first girlfriend was from Africa. We talked for three months and she invited me to go and stay with her family. We even talked about marriage. When she asked me to send a gift card so she could buy a dress for our engagement party I readily sent it. That was the last I heard from her.

There are plenty of genuine people out there who want to build relationships but if somebody approaches you out of the blue, that should raise a red flag. If your Facebook profile is public the first lady may have suggested you had similar interests because of the clues you gave away - your job, your family and your birthday for instance. Contact Action Fraud (actionfraud.police.uk, Tel: 0300 123 2040) who may be able to stop this from happening to somebody else. Check out ‘romance scams’ on their website which tells you more about them. My support pack called Love Online shows what to look out for. The main takeaway is it is never advisable to send money to someone you have only met online.

CUT OFF

My ex walked out after I cheated and gave her STI - she's banned access to our kid

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29353835/ex-banned-access-daughter-cheated-sti/

CHEATING on my ex-girlfriend is one of my biggest regrets and I understand why she is furious with me, but I think she is being seriously out of order by refusing to let my dying mum see my daughter. Mum has diabetes and dementia and her health has really deteriorated over the past year. I’m worried that if I can’t convince my ex to soften, that my mum will die without seeing her granddaughter. I’m 46 and my ex is 42. Our daughter is seven years old and she is the light of my life but I haven’t seen her for the last year. My whole world came crashing down when my girlfriend contracted genital warts from me. When she first stumbled across my texts to my lover and discovered I’d been having an affair she was already furious but I managed to persuade her to work on our relationship. We were going to see a counsellor together but she made it crystal clear that she wasn’t convinced she would be able to forgive me. Then she developed genital warts, which she had contracted from my affair and that was the final straw for her. As soon as she got her STI results back, she packed her bags and walked out with our daughter. I haven’t seen either of them since. I’ve been to my former partner’s parents’ home to try and find her, I have messaged her on Facebook and even tried emailing her but she won’t respond to me. How can I resolve this?

It’s time to sort out access to your daughter. You cheated on your ex and gave her an STI so it’s not surprising she’s made it clear your relationship with her is over. You treated her disrespectfully and lied to her but that doesn’t mean she is entitled to block your relationship with your daughter. Children have a right to build healthy relationships with both parents – it is far better for their own development and confidence. In your case it sounds like you need a proper legal arrangement that outlines access arrangements. Please contact familylives.org.uk (0808 800 2222), which can support you. My support pack When Parents Fall Out explains the effect of this sort of conflict on children.

DEAR DEIDRE

My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship but we aren't having sex anymore

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29212316/open-relationship-sex-boyfriend/

LIVING with my partner and allowing each other to have sex with other people used to work well for us. I have a friend who I see for regular sex hook-ups and my boyfriend also has a different partner. I’m a big fan of open relationships and think they can keep your relationship fresh. But now I think we both know if we aren’t careful, we could quite easily have an emotional affair. In the last year sex with my partner has waned dramatically. Whenever I bring up the issue he brushes it off. I feel so unwanted. I am 32 and my partner is 34. We have been together for almost ten years but for more than half that time we’ve been non-monogamous. The arrangement was working brilliantly, we’d have our own separate adventures, then come back together. It was such a turn-on knowing we’d been intimate with different people. But a big shift has come over the last couple of years. We have always enjoyed a party and both started to drink more heavily. After a year of piling on weight I decided to kick the habit. I’m back to drinking a couple of times a week now but my partner drinks most nights and it’s killing his libido. I’ve started to develop feelings for my friend and I’m sure it’s because I am not getting any physical attention at home. Please don’t say the open relationship is the problem. It was working well, so how do I get our arrangement back on track?

From what you’ve written, your open relationship isn’t the main issue, your partner’s drinking is. If he is drinking heavily he might be depressed. Excessive alcohol can knock sex drive too. Tell him you love him and want to make your relationship work but that you’re finding it upsetting that he’s not looking after himself. If he is depressed or stressed, encourage him to see his GP. My support packs Problem Drinker and Reviving A Man’s Sex Drive can help. Whether you are in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, good communication is key. It is unusual for a guy of your boyfriend’s age to want so little sex. He knows it is an issue but doesn’t want to talk about it. Until he opens up, I’m afraid you won’t be able to solve this issue.

WEIGHT OF WORLD

My overweight partner's health is a big problem & is impacting relationship

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29212639/overweight-partner-health-issues/

WE should be having the time of our lives but my overweight partner is too unfit. I’m a 46-year-old female and my partner is 51. She is very overweight and is suffering with lots of health issues and only visits the doctor when I nag her. We’ve been together for three years but over that time she has been gaining weight. It is affecting every aspect of her life and mine too. I can’t get a decent night’s sleep because of her heavy snoring and this in turn is affecting my working life as I am constantly exhausted. She quickly becomes tired and out of breath. I want to help her but I feel as though I am always having a go. She doesn’t seem to be making much effort to help herself. I have suggested we join a gym together but everything I suggest falls on deaf ears. I am at a loss as to what to do.

It’s time for some hard talking. Tell her how much you love her and you want her to be with you for a long time. She is seriously heavy and it is affecting her health. Tell her you want both of you to get into healthy living. Encourage her to see her doctor. Heavy snoring can be a sign of sleep apnoea, which means the sufferer stops breathing in the night – and that can be dangerous. My support pack End Weight Worries will help too.

INTIMACY ISSUES

I've had enough of my non-existent sex life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29319947/had-enough-of-non-existent-sex-life/

EVEN though I’m head over heels in love with my girlfriend, I’ve grown tired of our non-existent sex life. Every time I try to initiate, there's always an excuse, and I’m starting to wonder if our relationship is a lost cause. I’m 32, she’s 29 and we’ve been together for two years. In the beginning, it was hard for us to keep our hands off of each other. Our sex life was passionate, wild, and spontaneous. While I expected the sexual tension to slightly wear off as we settled into our relationship, I never expected it to drop off a cliff completely. It was as if one day she decided she didn’t want to sleep with me again, and has been avoiding intimacy ever since. Every time I try to initiate anything, she either pretends to be asleep or rolls over and claims she’s too tired. At this point, I’ve given up entirely. Being constantly rejected hurts me and it’s starting to affect my self-esteem. The last thing I want is for us to break up, but she simply refuses to discuss the subject. At this point, I don’t know what to do, and I’m beginning to worry that we can’t fix this.

It’s clear that there’s something deeper going on here and the longer you both ignore it the worse it’ll get. Your feelings of frustration and resentfulness will grow, ultimately destroying your relationship. You need to find a time to sit down and work it out. Find a moment to talk to her about how you are feeling and explain how serious this is for you. Tell her how much you love her, but that you can’t stay in a sexless relationship forever. If she’s willing to work on it, some sex and relationship counselling will help. Contact the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk). My support pack Saving Your Sex Life will also help.

BAD VIBES

I love my partner but I hate spending time in her house

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29261355/love-partner-but-hate-spending-time-in-her-house/

I WOULD love to spend more time with my partner but I don’t want to go to her house because the atmosphere there is awful. She was in an abusive relationship previously and her children have had a very tough life. They are 12 and 13 and are very poorly behaved - extremely disrespectful and rude. I have two children from my previous relationship and they could not be more different. I am 44 and my partner is 42. We have been together for almost three years. She is aware of how I feel and tries to make the situation better, but ultimately no matter what she does it’s never great. She tells me not to compare my children with hers as not everyone has the stability that they had. Daily life for her and her kids is so chaotic, upsetting and stressful. We do genuinely love one another so much but the children are constantly coming between us. I simply refuse to accept their poor behaviour. I don’t see the situation improving. In fact, it just gets worse every day.

Your partner may be perfect for you, but falling in love with someone who has children from a previous relationship can be challenging. You have realised that you are struggling to accept that your partner and her children come as a package. They have been through so much and it will take time for the children to settle down. It sounds as though you have doubts about whether you can handle that. Talk to your partner about your feelings but do it without being critical, focusing on how you feel, rather her children’s behaviour. My support pack on Stepfamily Issues may help you.

HOME FRONT

My partner wants me to move in with her but I like having my own space

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29212827/partner-move-in-own-space/

MY girlfriend is desperate for me to move in with her, and although I love her, it’s the last thing I want. But I’ve got myself in a corner, making one excuse after another to duck the issue. Now we can’t go more than a week without arguing. We are going on holiday soon and my partner gave me an ultimatum, saying she wanted a moving-in date otherwise our relationship is over. I hastily agreed to move in after the holiday but now I am dreading going away, knowing I’ll spend the whole time concocting another excuse. I am 44 and my partner is 43. We have been together for almost six years. I live in the South East and my partner lives in the Midlands. She has three children and two of them have special needs and learning difficulties, the youngest being more severe. I am more than happy with our current set-up – I drive to hers on Thursday and stay over until Monday night. But over the last year she has become fixated on me moving in. I like having my own space and although I love her children, I find them very demanding. She is becoming moody and always picking a fight. I am not sure what to do.

Being a step-parent is challenging, even when children don’t have additional needs. She is becoming resentful because she senses you are putting her off, and without a straight answer, she won’t understand why. You would be far better off having an honest conversation. So take a deep breath, tell her you love her and explain you like your current set up. There is no shame in admitting that you aren’t ready to take on her family full time. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, will help you to have this conversation.

I'm worried about pleasing my new younger man after a celibate marriage

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29338039/worried-pleasing-new-younger-man-after-celibate-marriage/

AFTER a celibate marriage, I’m now dating a much younger man - but I’m worried I won’t be able to satisfy him in bed. We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months, and I’ve run out of excuses not to sleep with him. I’m 42 and my boyfriend is 30. He’s lovely - kind, funny, intelligent and really into me. My ex husband had impotence issues, and refused to go to the doctor or get help. It destroyed my self-confidence and made me feel so ugly. After five years without sex, I’d had enough, and divorced him. When I met my boyfriend I couldn’t believe anyone so great would be interested in me. He’s been very respectful so far, accepting my reasons for not having sex. But I can tell he’s getting - understandably - fed up. We’re not teenagers, or religious, and a kiss at the front door isn’t normal. I dearly want to have sex with him, but it’s been about 10 years since I had any kind of intimacy. I’m frankly terrified. I can barely remember what to do in bed, and I fear I will be a total letdown. Not to mention that his youth means he’ll probably have lots more energy than me, and I won’t be able to keep up. What can I do?

Good sex isn’t about performance, but communication. Even experienced lovers take time to get to know each other’s bodies, likes and dislikes. Be honest with him. Tell him you really want to sleep with him, but are nervous. Let him take the lead and let yourself go. You won't have forgotten. My support packs Raising Self-Esteem, and How To Thrill A Man In Bed, should help.

FAMILY FEAR

My partner won't introduce me to his family - I'm worried there's another woman

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29191669/partner-wont-introduce-me-to-family/

WHY won’t my partner of five years introduce me to his family? We met online in 2019 and are both 49. Whenever I ask to meet his relatives he gets angry, saying he likes things the way they are. He says that when he introduced a previous partner to his family, it all went wrong. We don’t live together and I can’t help but wonder if his family even knows I exist. Why else would he keep me a secret? I’m worried there’s another woman and that this whole time I’ve actually been his mistress. I’m tired of feeling this way, how I do to solve this?

Don’t be put off by his excuses and tell him you need to sort this out. Emphasise you understand that previous introductions went wrong but it’s not unreasonable for you to meet his family after five years. Tell him how this makes you feel and hopefully he’ll make concrete plans for an introduction. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help.

Dear Deidre

Steamy session with my female best friend is all I can think about

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29191617/steamy-session-female-best-friend/

AFTER a passionate night in with my female best friend, I’m worried that I’ve fallen in love with her. The big problem is I’m married and she doesn’t seem interested. I cannot stop replaying our kiss and fevered session on her sofa. I’m 40 and have been married to my 45-year-old husband for 13 years. On the outside we have the perfect life with two gorgeous children and a nice house but the reality is he feels more like a friend than a lover. As the relationship between me and my husband cooled, I became closer to my best friend. We met in primary school and she has always understood me in a way no else has. But within the last year, things have changed between us. A couple of months ago we were enjoying a couple of glasses of wine at her place. It felt very natural as we reached for each other and started kissing. It was the most sensual experience of my life. We explored each other’s bodies and then, as normal, I stayed over in the spare room. The next morning it was as if nothing had happened. I’m desperate to kiss her again but she doesn’t seem interested. I’ve thought about telling her how much I love her but I don’t think she feels the same way about me. In order to protect myself, I have distanced myself from her and she’s beginning to notice that something is up. In an ideal world I would admit my feelings to her and she would feel the same, but if she doesn’t I’m worried that I will lose her forever. I’m not sure what to do anymore, or if I can continue this friendship.

You started to spend more time with your friend because neither you nor your husband were making an effort. Married life with children is frantic and exhausting. Left untended, there is little opportunity to connect and be with our partners. Naturally, this creates an environment for distractions. Turn to your husband and focus your efforts on him. The more you invest in him the less you will fixate on your friend. If you are still struggling, talking to a therapist alone or together will help you. You can contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975). In the meantime you would be wise to limit how much you see your friend until you feel more grounded. It’s no good pretending you didn’t cross a line. Let her know you think a lot of her but need time to sort yourself out after that evening.

LOVE OIL

I have started using coconut oil during sex - but is it safe for my girlfriend?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29191747/coconut-oil-during-sex/

IS IT dangerous for a man to use coconut oil during intercourse? I’m a 25-year-old guy and I have just started having sex with my new girlfriend. The first time we did it we were struggling to get things going so I used some coconut oil as lubricant. I didn’t tell my girlfriend as it’s worked for me before with no issues. Now she says that she’s sore down there and when I told her I used coconut oil, she blamed that. Could the coconut oil have caused her to have a reaction?

Coconut oil is a safe option for most people as it doesn’t have any added chemicals. You can use pure coconut oil in a solid or liquid form. But don’t use this as a lubricant with latex condoms as the oil will degrade the rubber used in the condoms. Your partner’s skin may be sensitive and this could have caused a reaction. If the discomfort persists, encourage her to visit her GP.

VICIOUS CYCLE

My monthly mood swings are ruining my relationship

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29338049/monthly-mood-swings-ruining-relationship/

MONTHLY mood swings are ruining my relationship. I have a condition called PMDD, which makes me emotional and irritable around my periods. My boyfriend doesn’t understand, and we keep arguing. I’m 19 and have had PMDD for a few years. It makes me feel depressed and anxious for more than a week before my period starts. My boyfriend is 20. We’ve been together for nine months. Sometimes I get so angry I struggle to control my temper and even throw things. He doesn’t want to be around me when I’m like that, which makes me feel worse. I’m worried he’s going to finish with me - but I love him. What can I do?

PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) is a very severe form of premenstrual syndrome that affects up to 10% of women. Your boyfriend probably doesn’t understand what you’re experiencing. Explain it to him and give him my support pack on PMS to read. Your condition is difficult to live with, but you sound like you are aware you can be unreasonable, so make the decision to learn how to control your temper. Ask your doctor about treatments. Exercise and dietary changes can also help. For emotional support contact Mind (mind.org.uk).

TEEN TERROR

My selfish brat of a step-daughter is making my life hell - what can I do?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29191940/selfish-brat-step-daughter-life-hell/

MY step-daughter is making my life a living misery. I’m 55 and my partner is 57. We have been married for five years. We have twin sons together and he has a teenage daughter from his previous marriage. When I first met my step-daughter I was over the moon as I had always wanted a girl. We used to do so much together and her Mum even used to invite me for girls’ days out with them. Then a couple of years ago she hit the dreaded teenage years and everything changed. The sweet little girl who I knew was replaced with a selfish brat with a severe attitude problem. Just last week, I asked her to tidy her room and she screamed, “Who do you think you are, you’re not my Mum” at me. She’s even began saying that I should leave the house and that no one wants me there. I’ve tried talking to my husband about the issue but he says I’m too harsh on her and questions if I have hurt her or upset her. It is beginning to affect our relationship now and he’s even slept on the sofa on a few occasions. I do not want our marriage to end but I feel as though divorce is a possibility. I don’t want to live like this any more. I’m tempted to suggest she lives with her Mum on a full-time basis. How can I solve this?

It’s time to sit your husband down during a quiet moment and explain how you feel. Tell him you do not want to fall out over his daughter. My support pack on Looking After Your Relationship has more helpful information. It’s important you and your husband also have some ground rules when it comes to your children and step-child. Your husband is probably feeling guilty that he split up from his child’s mother and this will affect how he disciplines his children. The organisation Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222) also has advice on how to deal with this situation. My support pack on Stepfamily Problems will also have more useful information for you during this time.

TENANCY TROUBLE

My landlady is intent on evicting me after my wife's death

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29319950/landlady-intent-on-evicting-me-after-wifes-death/

AFTER more than 30 years of living in my house, my landlady is doing everything in her power to evict me. She claims that because my wife has died I’m no longer eligible to live here but I have nowhere else to go. I’m a 67-year-old man and my wife and I moved into our house when we got married. Over the years we have made so many memories here, and while we always wanted to buy it, our landlady was never willing. When my wife unexpectedly died a month ago from a stroke I was beside myself. It wasn't long after that my landlady promptly served me an eviction notice. She’s claiming that because my wife was the tenant she can ask me to leave, but I don't want to lose our house. I still pay my way and I’m a great tenant, but no matter what I say she’s adamant. How can I stop this?

After renting your property for so long, it seems very unfair of your landlady to spring this on you so soon. Unfortunately, if your name was not on the tenancy agreement then it may mean that you have no legal right to continue to live there. If she isn’t budging, tell her you need more time and are seeking legal advice. Contact Shelter (shelter.org.uk, tel: 0808 800 4444) for free housing advice and make an appointment with your local Citizens Advice for legal help.

Turned off

I love my fiancee but she doesn't turn me on

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29226456/love-fiancee-doesnt-turn-me-on/

I’m getting married later this year but I’m worried about the lack of sex in our relationship. I don’t think we are normal. I’m 39 and my fiancée is 31. We met at church and she is my first and last girlfriend. We’ve been dating for two years and she’s wonderful. We were both virgins when it came to having a sexual relationship and we’ve had sex a handful of times. I play five-a-side football and the guys always seem to be talking about sex and how many times they’ve done it. It sounds as if they are at it every week. The fact of the matter is, I don’t want to have sex as much as them. My fiancée doesn’t know how to turn me on. I do look at pornography regularly though. Could this be the problem?

Yes. A good sexual relationship isn’t about the quantity of sex you’re having but the quality. That said, watching too much adult content can blunt the appetite for wanting regular and real life sex. Porn content is designed to hook viewers in. You can wean yourself off it by making a conscious effort to do something else rather than opening your laptop or tablet. My support pack called Understanding Male Pleasure will help your fiancée. If you’re still struggling, you can find support to help you change your mindset and tune in more to having great sex with your fiancée. A sex and relationship therapist would understand the dynamic between you and the College Of Sexual And Relationship Therapists (COSRT.org.uk) can help you find a reputable counsellor.

NO BOUNDARIES

How do I stop my controlling mother from moving near me?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29319946/how-stop-controlling-mother-moving-near-me/

I MOVED across the country to escape my controlling mother, but now she’s followed me here too. I’ve done everything in my power to escape her grip, but she will never let go. I’m a 42-year-old woman and ever since I was a child my mother has been incredibly overbearing. Whether it was taking my door off its hinges, rummaging through my stuff or constantly reading my text messages, there were never any boundaries. When I got married I hoped that she would finally take a step back, but if anything she got worse. She constantly calls, texts or turns up unannounced at my house and work. When my husband and I decided to move to his hometown up north, I was so excited to finally have some distance between us. Yet now she’s found a new job and a house here and says she’ll be moving up in a few weeks. How do I stop her?

Dealing with a controlling parent can be challenging and in this case may require a thoughtful approach. It sounds like she is very needy and you need to set some boundaries. Unfortunately, she is unlikely to change, and as hard as it may be, you have to stop trying to please her. Be honest with her and tell her that you don’t want her to move so close to you. Explain that you need your space and that if she decides to go through with it, nothing will change that. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself explains how to talk to her.

FIRED UP

My wife is obsessed by Fifty Shades Of Grey - and I'm worried she'll divorce me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29191851/wife-obsessed-fifty-shades-of-grey-divore/

I AM worried my wife will divorce me after she discovered the Fifty Shades Of Grey book. I’m 60 years old and my wife is 55. We have been married for 35 years and share four children. Recently, my wife read Fifty Shades Of Grey as she’s trying to complete a reading challenge. Ever since then she’s been constantly talking about the lead character, Christian Grey. This fictional character is the opposite of me – young, rich, fit and handsome – while I’m struggling to make ends meet and haven’t been to a gym in years. She does not stop going on about how she finds this fictional character attractive. To make things worse, she wants to spice up our sex life so it’s similar to the contents of the book. I have never been into “spicy” sex as it makes me feel uncomfortable but now my wife is saying that our sex life isn’t “doing it for her”. She complains that I need to be more adventurous and even shouted out at me during an argument that she would “go find someone who will do these things” with her. I was heartbroken and I’m now terrified she’ll divorce me because of this book. She has since apologised and said she didn’t mean a word of it but I can not get that moment out of my head. Whenever she is now affectionate to me, I have begun pushing her away. I feel like she’s no longer in love with me and is only trying to pacify my feelings. How can I win my wife back from a fictional man that she’s read about?

It sounds as though Fifty Shades Of Grey has ignited something in your wife: a desire to be more experimental and more energetic in the bedroom. She has communicated her new enthusiasm clumsily and has understandably upset you. Try to talk to her when you are both feeling calm and away from the bedroom. Let her know how unsettled you are by her reaction to the book and explain you’d be more inclined if she was encouraging rather than threatening. It’s important that you are both comfortable with what you are doing and that you are both satisfied. There will be ways to spice things up that feel right for you both. My support pack on 50 Ways To Add Fun to Sex and Understanding Female Pleasure will give you suggestions on how to do this.

Dear Deidre

My wife told me she was seeing friends but she was having sex with another man

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29167378/wife-friends-sex-another-man/

My wife has told me she’s been having an affair and is planning to leave me. My world has fallen apart. Finding out she’d slept with someone else would have been bad enough. But this isn’t just sex - she’s fallen in love with him. I’m 46 and she’s 42. We’ve been married for 16 years and have four children, two of whom have special needs. Life has been tough and we haven’t had much time for each other.Our sex life died a few years ago. She said she didn’t have the energy anymore. But even though our marriage has been in trouble for a long time, I truly believed we would work things out one day. About six months ago, my wife told me she needed more time to herself as she felt she’d lost herself. I agreed to do more of the childcare while she had evenings off. What I didn’t imagine was that she had started seeing another man. When I think of all the times I let her go out - supposedly with her friends - and she was going to his place with him, I feel so sick and betrayed. I didn’t suspect a thing. Two days ago, she sat me down and said she’d been seeing someone else and that it was serious. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal I was totally blindsided. She coldly told me I needed to prepare myself to move out and move on. Since then I have been constantly crying, going over what went wrong and remembering how happy we once were. My boss had to send me home from work because I couldn’t concentrate. I’m a mess. I just want to go back in time and make everything better.

Although you knew things weren’t right, it sounds like you had no idea your wife had checked out of the marriage. You’d stopped communicating. You’re in shock, and grieving for what you’ve lost, but this will get easier to deal with. Sadly, you can’t go back in time. But it would help to talk to your wife about what’s happened and see if you can get some closure - not least because you will have to parent together in the future. Think about having some counselling to help you work through your feelings. My support pack on Counselling will tell you more about this. Ask your boss if you can have a few days off. Your company may also have some occupational health support.

THE FUN POLICE

My partner has destroyed my self-esteem

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29226453/partner-destroyed-self-esteem/

I used to be fun-loving and the life and soul of the party but my partner has sucked every ounce of self-esteem out of me. I’m 36 with two kids and I’m cross with myself for going back to my ex. I hate who I’ve become since I’ve been with him. He shouts and berates me in front of others. He calls me names and if I confide in him, telling him a secret, he threatens to blow my private thoughts into the public domain. He’s a police officer and he’s been married twice. I guess the writing should have been on the wall then. He’s 41 and he thinks the whole world revolves around him. He loves his job and gets a kick out of banging people up. When we’ve split up before, he’s found every way possible to communicate with me again, begging and pleading for me to go back to him and I do, like a lovesick puppy. My daughter is 12 and this guy isn’t her dad. She said to me that I’m no fun when I’m with him. I think she’s right. I’ve lost all my confidence. I feel like I should be on my own again.

Your daughter speaks a lot of sense. Your children are your priority and they don’t have a choice about what kind of a partner you choose - but you do. He sounds abusive and your relationship is toxic as a result. This is damaging for your children to witness as they may think this is normal family life and go on to choose similar partners for themselves. Talk to friends about their relationships. You may find they are very different from yours. My support pack called Addictive Love may help you to make a stand and tell this guy he’s out of your life for good.

Parent trap

I'm sick of always being the bad cop when it comes to parenting

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29167383/partner-driven-apart-parenting-styles/

Disagreements over how to parent are driving me and my wife apart, and confusing our children. We can’t agree on anything: what time they should go to bed, what they should eat, or how to discipline them. She thinks I’m a dictator, and I think she’s a disorganised mess. We’ve been married for 10 years and have two children, who are six and eight. I’m 42 and she’s 40. Our relationship was unproblematic until the kids came along. Although she’s the spontaneous type, and I’m more methodical, we complemented each other. But now our marriage is coming apart at the seams because we bicker all the time and drive each other crazy with frustration. I’ll say the children should go to bed at a certain time, and she won’t stick to it, allowing them to play for an hour longer. Or I’ll allow them to watch TV for half an hour after homework is done, but she’ll let them sit there for two hours before they start. Once, I wrote out a timetable for the kids - to get them used to planning and prioritising - but my wife laughed and refused to enforce it. It’s the same with disciplining them. My wife never backs me up and I feel like the ‘bad cop’ all the time. The children are getting mixed messages and have no routines or boundaries, which makes them tired and grumpy too. Please help!

You and your wife have very different approaches to parenting. You think routines and boundaries are good for them, while she takes a more relaxed approach. It’s important that you find a compromise, or this will lead your marriage to break down in the long term. And your children need to hear a consistent message from both parents. The tension isn’t good for them either. Could you and your wife agree on what areas of your family life would benefit from structure and which others would benefit from a more flexible approach. By working this through together you show your children you are both a team and model constructive discussions. Find help through Family Lives (www.familylives.org.uk, tel 0808 800 2222). My support pack, Stressed With The Kids, should help too. Do talk to your wife again and tell her you want to try to resolve this.

BIG FAN

My OnlyFans addiction is bleeding me dry

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29290311/onlyfans-addiction-bleeding-me-dry/

BEING on OnlyFans is stopping me from sleeping and bleeding me dry financially - but I don’t want to leave. I feel close to a woman there and feel guilty if I don’t talk to her whenever she asks. Am I being manipulated? I’m a 32-year-old single guy. I joined OnlyFans a few weeks ago. I really enjoyed it at first. Talking to women there was exciting and made me feel less lonely. One particular woman took a shine to me and told me I was special.It felt like I’d made a real friend. But now I find myself talking to her all night - and it’s costing me a fortune. I feel rude if I say I have to go, and she tells me she doesn’t want me to leave. If she messages and I don’t reply, she says, ‘Don’t you want to be with me?’, and guilt trips me into talking. Money is tight, and I can’t afford this. I’m also exhausted. What should I do?

You have no reason to feel rude or guilty. I’m sorry to say, but this woman is manipulating you for money. It’s not you she likes, but your cash. It’s really important that you try to come off OnlyFans, or you will get yourself into bad debt. Delete your account and don’t feel bad. My support pack Understanding Guilt might help. If you’re feeling lonely, read my support pack on Widening Your Social Scene, for tips on making real friendships.

BETRAYAL

My boyfriend demands I let him sleep with other women, or he's leaving anyway

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29167398/boyfriends-ultimatum-confused/

My boyfriend has given me an ultimatum: either we take a break so he can sleep with other girls, or we break up altogether. He claims I’ve broken his trust by deleting his number from my phone favourites - but it was an accident. I’m so confused and don’t know what to do. I’m 17 and he’s 18. We’ve been dating for a year. The other day, he was messing around on my phone when he saw his number wasn’t in my favourites. He went mad and said I’d deleted it on purpose - which was disrespectful. Then he said we should take a break, and see other people or end things and just be friends. I don’t want either. I really like him and haven’t done anything wrong, but he won’t believe me.

He’s being unfair and it sounds like an excuse to end your relationship so he’s free to sleep with other girls. You don’t need someone so controlling and jealous. You’d be better off without him. I know it hurts but you’ll be happier in the long run. My support pack. Mend Your Broken Heart, will help.

PRETTY RUBBISH

My boyfriend is so hot but brings nothing else to the party

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29226457/boyfriend-looks-plays-emotions/

My boyfriend has male-model looks but no idea about how to treat a woman. He’s constantly playing with my emotions. I’m starting to question whether he’s using me. I met him when he came into the shop where I work, to try on some jeans. He is gorgeous so I was in such a flap that he left without me giving him a receipt. He came back in to ask for it and said, “While you’re at it, can I get your Instagram?” I am 21 and I fell for him there and then. He messaged that evening, then we met up in a pub, ending the evening with sex at my bedsit. He’s 25, and was sofa-surfing with various friends so I told him he could stay with me for a bit. He’s been with me for three months and I thought we would be good together. If I’m honest I feel pretty disappointed. I feel rejected a lot of the time. He doesn’t show he loves me, the sex isn’t great anymore and he never pays a thing towards the bills.

You’re right. This isn’t a partnership. He’s taking advantage of your kind nature. Don’t let his handsome face bewitch you. Ask yourself what he brings to the table and from what you’ve written, his good looks are where it starts and ends. Value yourself and accept that he’s not the one.

THANK YOU

When I was struggling after my husband's betrayal, you helped me pick myself up

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29338036/struggling-husbands-betrayal-helped-pick-myself-up/

WHEN I found out my husband had cheated on me with several escorts, I was devastated. I’d believed us to be truly happy and didn’t suspect a thing. I’m 39 and he’s 40. We’d been married for 10 years and have two children. He didn’t even apologise for his infidelities, instead blaming me for not being a good enough wife and not keeping him interested. He told me I’d let myself go. We split up but I was finding it really hard to move on. Part of me still loved him and I felt I’d wasted years of my life on a horrible man who didn’t deserve me. You reassured me that none of this was my fault. You sent me your support pack, Mend Your Broken Heart, and suggested counselling. Since then, I have started to pick myself up. I’ve moved with the children and made new friends. I’ve begun counselling sessions, looking at events in my childhood and why I fell for a man like my ex. I am so much stronger and I know the future looks brighter. Thank you, Deidre.

It takes time to get over a massive betrayal like this. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal But you are doing all the right things to be happy again.

Thank you

You helped me leave my abusive, racist husband

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29167394/helped-me-leave-abusive-racist-husband/

When my racist husband found out I’d been out with a black guy, he got angry and violent. He stopped having sex with me and said the thought of me being with my ex made him feel sick. I’m 34 and he’s 38. We were married for four years. Before we married he was always kind and respectful, but once he had me, he changed. I found his racist views repellant, but I was too scared to say anything or to leave. You told me I was right to want to escape and should seek help immediately. You sent me your Abusive Partners support pack and suggested I call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (womensaid.org.uk, tel: 0808 2000 27) for advice. Unexpectedly, you followed up several times, months later, to see if I was OK, which made me feel cared about. Things got better for a while, and I confided in a friend, who helped.But when my husband became extremely violent, I called the police and he was arrested. I’ve now left him and have rebuilt my life. Thank you for being there, Deidre.

Escaping an abusive relationship is never easy. I hope you can now have a calmer and happier life.

Making Do

Worried my boyfriend is settling for me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29133089/love-boyfriend-settling-for-me/

I love my boyfriend with all of my heart but sometimes I can’t help but worry that he’s only settling for me. Whenever I try to talk to him he assures me that he wants me but his mixed signals tell me otherwise. I’m 28, he’s 32 and we’ve been together for two years. When we first met our romance felt like a whirlwind, but I’d be lying if I said that it was easy. While we had magical dates and my feelings for him developed quickly, he wasn’t always reliable and sometimes left me hanging. Eventually, it all worked out and we’ve had a great relationship ever since. However, recently I’ve sensed that his heart hasn’t been in it. Not only has he struggled to get an erection in bed, but he’s been shying away from intimacy and affection in general. Every time I’ve tried to plan date nights or trips away he’s made it feel like a chore even though he has time to spend with his friends. Every time I try to tell him how I feel he shrugs me off and tells me that I’m being silly. Yet, my gut can sense that something is wrong.He says he loves me but how can I be sure?

While he is saying one thing, his actions tell another story. He may love you, but his actions show there is a disconnect between his feelings and behaviour. In a healthy relationship affection and intimacy should come naturally, so it’s clear that there’s an issue that needs to be resolved. Pick a moment to talk to him again. Be honest and tell him that you feel as if his words are empty and you need something to change. If he isn’t as willing to work on things, you may need to consider moving on. I’m sending you my support pack Looking After Your Relationship to help.

Dear Deidre

I caught my husband sexting other men & can't shake the worry he's secretly gay

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29133087/bank-statements-husbands-sexuality/

When I caught my husband sexting other men, he admitted he had been questioning his sexuality but insisted he had now got it out of his system. I chose to stay with him – because I thought it was a one-off. But now I’ve discovered his array of hotel bookings and I can’t shake the worry that he may be secretly gay. I’m 45, he’s 49 and we’ve been married for 15 years. We have two daughters together, one is 9 and the other is 12. Last week, he accidentally left his phone downstairs before he went to bed and I saw notifications come through on his phone. They were from Grindr, a gay dating app. I was so shocked I couldn’t help myself from looking and I discovered hundreds of explicit messages he’d been exchanging with various men. Throughout the entirety of our relationship not once had he mentioned that he was attracted to men, so I was completely taken aback. The last thing I wanted was even more secrets in our relationship so I confronted him the next day. To say that he was mortified is an understatement. He couldn’t stop apologising. He assured me that it was only online messages and I had nothing to worry about. Wanting to work on our marriage I decided to believe him and forgave him. Yet now I’ve discovered hotel bookings on our bank statement and I can’t help but think the worst. If he’s lied about this, what else is he hiding from me? I love him so much but I don’t know what to do.

It’s clear he is attracted to men as well as women, and perhaps he needs to explore that side of his sexuality more. But he is in a relationship with you. Whether he’s straight, gay, or bisexual, cheating completely undermines your relationship. Be honest with him and tell him what you found. Explain to him that for your relationship to move forward he needs to come completely clean. You also deserve a proper explanation of what is happening because your trust has been shattered. Our sexuality is a part of us - it isn’t someone you can ‘get out of your system’ and move on with. Consider getting help together. You can find support via Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, tel: 020 7380 1960). My support packs Bisexual Questions and Cheating, Can You Get Over It? will help.

I'M NOT GAY

I'm straight but have suddenly become attracted to men – it’s so confusing

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29212510/became-attracted-to-men/

WOMEN have always drawn my eye but lately I have found myself attracted to men which has surprised me. My normal type is women who are highly feminine but over the past few weeks I have found myself attracted to very delicate men – it’s so confusing. I am a 35-year-old single man. I’ve had many happy relationships with women and never even thought about having one with a man. But over the last year I’ve found myself eyeing up men. The ones I’m attracted to tend to be very feminine. Harry Styles and Tom Holland are the type of men I admire. I wonder if this is because I am attracted to feminine women as well. I don’t understand why I suddenly have these feelings. How can I deal with these feelings? I am not going through a midlife crisis so I don’t understand why now.

You are correct – it is not a midlife crisis. For many people, sexuality can be very fluid, and it is not uncommon to be attracted to someone of your own gender at some point. While labelling yourself isn’t always helpful, it could be possible that you are bisexual. My support pack Bisexual Questions will help you think this through. You may find it helpful to talk through your feelings. Contact Switchboard LGBT (switchboard.lgbt, 0300 330 0630).

Misunderstood

My friend ghosted me and I can't understand why

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29167391/autistic-friend-dropped-me/

Making friends has always been difficult for me, as I’m autistic. Now someone who I thought was a good friend has ghosted me, and I don’t understand why. I’m devastated. I’m 28. When I was a girl, I was always the last to be picked for the netball team, and that feeling has carried on into adulthood. I don’t really understand how friendships work - how often to call or message people, or how to interact. The result is I don’t have many friends. But I managed to make two at my last job, and we sometimes met up on weekends. Now, for no reason I can tell, one of them has stopped contacting me. She still sees the other friend but I’m not invited. If I message her, she just doesn’t reply. That hurts. I also feel like the second friend is only seeing me so she doesn’t upset me. She only has time for a quick coffee, and it doesn’t feel like she wants to be there. Should I tell her how I’m feeling?

Being dropped by a friend is painful, particularly when you feel you’ve done nothing wrong. It can affect your self-esteem, especially if you’re someone who finds navigating friendships difficult. Try not to take this too personally. Unfortunately, sometimes friendships do fizzle out. As for your second friend, perhaps she’s just extremely busy. The good thing is she still wants to meet. My support pack, Rows With Friends, might be helpful for you to read. The National Autistic Society (autism.org.uk) has advice about friendship on its website.

LAZY LODGER

I'm sick of my spoilt son treating my home like a hotel

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29290314/sick-of-spoilt-son-treating-home-like-hotel/

I’M sick of the way my lazy and spoiled son treats me. He still lives at home but treats my home like a hotel. He doesn’t clean or give me a penny for board or food, even though his millionaire dad gives him lots of money. I’m 54 and my son is 25. He hasn’t had a job since he left university. Instead, he spends all day in his room gaming or messaging, only emerging to take food from the fridge before he goes out with his friends. He has a very generous allowance from his father, my ex-husband, which he spends on designer clothes and trainers, and on numerous holidays in the sun. If I try talking to him about any of this, he accuses me of being a nag. Sometimes, he is abusive, putting me down and swearing. His father and I aren’t on speaking terms, so I can’t get any help from him. I’m at my wits’ end and feeling very miserable. What can I do?

Your son’s behaviour is totally unacceptable. You need to stand up to him and tell him that if he doesn’t pull his weight, or contribute, then he can find somewhere else to live. He’s a grown man, not a child, and he has money, so he really has no excuses. If he’s being abusive, you need support and professional advice. Contact PEGS (Parental Educational Growth Support) which helps people deal with abusive children of any age (pegsupport.co.uk).

Countdown

The mother of my unborn child is refusing to name me on the birth certificate

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29051639/woman-pregnant-birth-certificate/

A girl I’m having a baby with says she won’t name me on our child’s birth certificate to ensure I’ll have no part to play in our child’s life. I’m a 30-year-old man. I slept with this girl after we met in a club. We went back to her flat and had sex. I thought it would be a fling at the most. She claimed her period was due so we didn’t use protection. Now I think she must have been lying. When she told me she was pregnant I was shell-shocked and reacted badly even telling her I didn’t want to be a part of the child’s life.I later apologised and said I’d stand by her. But she’s hit out saying I won’t have a part in my child’s life because I didn’t want it. How do I go about actually being a father to my child if she won’t give me a chance? She is 28 and says I won’t have a leg to stand on unless she includes me so where do I go from here. Will I have to take her to court to see the baby? Do I have any parental rights if she won’t name me? She is very stubborn and I know her mum who she lives with influences her decisions. It is really draining. I am so confused.

If your name is not on the birth certificate, then you do not have parental responsibility automatically. You can apply to the Courts for parental responsibility or come to an agreement with the mother. Try to convince your baby’s mother how important it is for your child to have a relationship with you. Find out about your legal rights through Families Need Fathers (www.fnf.org.uk, 0300 0300 363). Children always lose out when parents use them in their own emotional battles. My support pack When Parents Fall Out explains more.

Dear Deidre

I supported my boyfriend financially while he was having sex with other women

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29097050/supported-boyfriend-financially-sex-women/

I did everything I could to support my boyfriend both financially and emotionally, after his redundancy, so to discover he went out and had sex with another woman was a stinging slap in the face. He had a one-night stand with one girl, and kissed another. I’m sure he’d have had sex with her too, if she’d agreed. He claims it was a mistake and he still loves me, but I can’t forgive him. I’m 31 and he’s 29. We’ve been together for two years. Until this happened, we were so happy together. I’m not the jealous type and I never once doubted his fidelity or his feelings for me. In fact, I was sure he was the one. That’s why what he did hurt me so much. His retail company let him go when they went into liquidation. He went out drinking a lot with his friends. I worried he was drinking too much and we argued. A few months later, he got a new job. I was so happy for him. Then he said he needed to get something off his chest. He confessed that while he’d been on the dole, he’d been unfaithful with two women. It was during the evenings he’d got drunk with his mates. He’d actually had sex with one of them in the pub toilets - so cheap and nasty. He said the girls meant nothing and it happened because he was in a ‘bad place’. It’s such a massive betrayal. I’ve told him we’re over, but he keeps sending me messages and gifts, begging me to take him back. I do love him but I don’t think I can trust him again. What should I do?

Losing their job can have a big impact on someone's self-esteem. Your boyfriend may have been uncomfortable about your financial support too. Perhaps he felt unattractive, and getting attention from other women boosted his confidence. Although that is no excuse for cheating. Instead, he should have talked to you about how he felt. Now you need to decide if you want to give him a second chance. You say you love him, but no relationship can work without trust. That takes time and a lot of effort to rebuild. Promises and gifts aren’t enough. He has to be willing to talk through why he strayed and work on rebuilding your relationship. This won’t be a quick fix. Read my support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It, together.

No drive

My partner says she can't have sex because of her tennis elbow

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29097061/partner-sex-tennis-elbow/

My partner claims she can’t have sex with me because she has tennis elbow. But I think it’s just another excuse to avoid intimacy. I’m starting to doubt she loves me. I’m 40 and she’s 38. We’ve been together for 10 years and have one daughter, eight. Sex has always been an issue in our relationship. I could count the number of times we’ve been intimate in the last two years on one hand. In the past, if I was persistent enough, she’d agree to sex. But I could tell she was just going through the motions and didn’t enjoy it. Now she’s been diagnosed with tennis elbow and she says there’s no way we can sleep together. She claims it will take months to heal, so it’s out of the question for a long time. I feel so rejected and am questioning whether she really wants to be with me. What can I do?

If your partner has never enjoyed sex, it’s possible she was brought up to view sex as wrong, or has she had an abusive sexual experience? Alternatively, it may be that she doesn’t have a high sex drive, or can’t relax enough to enjoy sex. Do pick a quiet moment to talk to her and tell her how much you’re missing intimacy. Tennis elbow can take up to a year to heal, but you could still give each other pleasure, without intercourse. If things don’t improve, think about sex therapy. See my support pack about this and the one on Understanding Female Pleasure.

Blue Boob

I accidentally gave a friend my sex tape

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29133097/accidentally-family-friend-sex-tape/

I accidentally gave away my sex tape to a family friend and now I can’t face the shame of asking for it back. The worst part is that it’s hidden in a Little Mermaid DVD case and I’m terrified that their daughter is going to discover it. I'm 40 and my wife is 39. We’ve been married for nine years and have always had a rather adventurous sex life. Over the last couple of years, we’ve dabbled in making homemade porn but only for us to keep. I had completely forgotten that we’d downloaded one of them onto a disk and put it in an old DVD case. Last week when we were decluttering our house a close family friend came to visit and saw I was getting rid of our DVDs. She asked if she could have them for her daughter which I happily agreed to. It wasn’t until my wife freaked out when I told her about my ‘good deed’ that I realised what I had done. Now we’re both completely mortified and don’t know what to do.What if they’ve already discovered it? I’m so embarrassed.

Feeling embarrassed is a natural response, but remember that everyone makes mistakes. Rather than do nothing and increase the risk of this child seeing your adult content, pop around to your friend’s house and explain - you have some home content on that disk. Ask if you can take it back and return with the correct film soon.Fingers crossed they haven’t tried to watch that film yet.

Tooth ache

I'm petrified of the dentist

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29133091/im-petrified-of-the-dentist/

The thought of going to the dentist petrifies me but after months of putting it off, I know I need to go. My teeth are aching and even chewing food has become too painful.I’m a 57-year-old man and I’ve always had a phobia of the dentist. Throughout my life, I’ve actively avoided going for checkups as the idea of having someone prodding around in my mouth has been overwhelming. I’ve tried my best to keep my teeth as clean as possible but the state of my mouth has become embarrassing. My smile is yellow and I can’t eat without my sensitivities causing me discomfort. Every day I wake up with a constant pain in the back of my mouth too. I know the longer I leave it the worse it’ll get but every time I go to the dentist my anxiety takes over and I can’t cope. The idea of sitting in that chair with metal tools in my mouth brings me out in a cold sweat. How do I get over this?

A fear of the dentist is more common than many might think. While I know it is daunting, seeing your dentist is the best thing you can do. They won’t judge you - and your teeth will only get worse if nothing is done. Take a look at the organisation Dental Phobia (dentalphobia.co.uk). They list dentists who have experience with phobic patients and can help you get the oral health you deserve. I’m also sending you my support pack Afraid Of The Dentist to help.

Dear Deidre

My husband shared a bedroom with a female colleague - I know they've had sex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29051632/husband-wrong-colleague-paris/

My husband took a female colleague to Paris on a business trip and they shared the same bedroom. I know they have had sex. After his trip he brazenly showed me pictures of them both on top of the Eiffel Tower and posing on the Champs Elysees. He insists he hasn’t done anything wrong. He says he takes her for business reasons only, but I can tell there is more to it. I’m 41, my husband is 42 and he has an online clothing business. His colleague is his finance manager. She’s 35. Suspicious about the trip I looked at his business email and saw he’d only booked one hotel room. When I asked why there weren’t two bookings, he started waffling about how he’d booked it so late and the hotel rooms were full, they had no choice but to share. He tried to reassure me nothing had happened and they slept in separate beds but I simply don’t believe him. He moved into the flat above his office a few months ago, saying he’d be less tired if he didn’t commute, so he only comes home at weekends now. While he was away, I had to go into hospital for an operation on my spine. He didn’t think it warranted cancelling his trip. He’s very secretive about his phone when he is home now. I’ve called him out on his behaviour, asking if he’s having an affair but he says that his colleague is a practising Christian and she doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. But if she’s sharing a bedroom with a married man, she can’t be that religious! He was here with me last night but the cat got more attention than I did. I feel I might have lost him to his work friend.

You may well have. He’s doing nothing to convince you he is still invested in your marriage. From what you have written he seems to have checked out. Find a moment to tell him that you’re unhappy and feel his relationship with this woman is coming between you. Let him know that you are going to find a counsellor to help work out where you go from here. He can decide to go with you, or leave you to go alone. At least then you will be proactive rather than hanging in limbo. Contact BACP - British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (www.bacp.co.uk, tel: 01455 883300) for help.

Cashed out

My wife spends all my hard earned money and I'm left with nothing

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29051666/wife-spends-hard-earned-money/

My wife bought a designer handbag last week with almost all of my wages. I’m now going to have to use my credit card to get to work and do the shopping. I’m a man of 39 and we have two boys who are 10 and 12. My wife is a stay-at-home mum and she’s a great mum but she says that we married “for richer, for poorer” and she takes those vows to the extreme. I work full-time as a builder and I do coaching at the weekend for the local football club but my wife insists that I transfer all my earnings to her. She pays the bills with it but she knows how to spend too and it leaves me with nothing. My colleagues have a catch-up over breakfast on Friday mornings but I can only go once a month now - on payday - and before she gets her hands on my money. She’s 37 and high maintenance.

She’s looking after the finances but this feels like financial abuse as you have no say in how the money is being spent. Find a moment to talk to her about how best to sort out the family finances, ensuring that the bills are paid for first. Any surplus money is divided up fairly so you can both enjoy it.Impress upon her that any big spend by either of you has to be discussed - you’re a team after all. You can find emotional support through the charity Surviving Economic Abuse (survivingeconomicabuse.org/, 0808 1968845) which gives strategies to help.

I MISS THEM

My wife walked out and took our daughter when I lost my job over boozing

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29016208/wife-walked-out-over-boozing/

THE school bus drops my daughter off outside my bedsit every morning, so I can see her from a distance. She’s the person I get out of bed for every day. I was married for 16 years and our daughter is 12. Our marriage broke down during the pandemic when I lost my job and we struggled financially. I got another job but my wife asked me to leave. I thought it would be temporary but despite my pleading with her, she didn’t want me back. I now have contact with my daughter twice a month, in a public place, and normally it’s with her mother there. The court decided on that. My daughter doesn’t look happy and doesn’t speak to me in English. She speaks Farsi because my wife is Iranian. I can understand a little of what she says but not everything. My ex-wife is afraid I’ll run away with our daughter but that’s not something I’d ever contemplate as I know it wouldn’t be the best for her. I’m 47 and things are out of control. I lost my last job because I turned up drunk to work. Now I’m on benefits and my elevenses is a bottle of wine. I drink to forget about everything I’ve lost. I want my wife and daughter back.

If your wife says it’s over, you can’t make her feel something she doesn’t feel, but there’s no reason why your daughter can’t be in your life. You’ll be giving yourself the best chance to see her if you sober up and try again to find a job. Your daughter needs stability, not a father who doesn’t look after himself. Read The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray to get you started. My support pack called Help For Job Hunters will give you lots of ideas about staying mentally positive without having to reach for the bottle.

Unclean

I'm disgusted by my own husband

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29030588/disgusted-my-own-husband/

My partner has completely let himself go, to the point where he often doesn’t bother to brush his teeth. He makes my skin crawl. We’ve been together for 10 years and we have two kids but I haven't had sex with him for almost three years. He’s 37 and I’m 34. I spend all my time cooking, washing, cleaning and fixing up the garden. My partner works as a lorry driver but at weekends, he doesn’t move from the sofa. We started sleeping separately after our youngest was born so that I could do the night feeds, but I’ve not gone back to our shared bed since. My partner has let himself go and he doesn’t even brush his teeth some days. He’s overweight and drinks too much. He sometimes tries to get into bed with me when he comes in from the pub but I can’t stand it and tell him to get out. I’ve told him that we’re not compatible any longer. He admits we have grown apart but says I blindsided him when I said I wanted us to go our separate ways. That’s not what he wants. But the atmosphere between us isn’t good. He rarely comes to the kids’ events. I feel like a single parent and I know I would be happier on my own.

Neither of you sounds happy. Your partner’s lack of physical care can often be a symptom of depression. Find a moment to talk to him and explain that you are worried about your relationship and concerned about his health. Suggest he talks to his GP. You also need to tell him what your needs are, as a partner and mother to his children. Allow him to say what he’d like. If things don’t improve contact BACP - British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, (www.bacp.co.uk, tel: 01455 883300) for emotional support to help him understand your need for separation.

Climax

Fantasising about my wife and mate is the only way I can orgasm

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29030591/fantasising-wife-mate-orgasm/

Fantasising about my mate in bed with my Mrs is the only way I can climax these days. It’s one of my favourite sexual fantasies but I’m not about to suggest it becomes reality. My friend knows nothing about it - it’s just something which plays over and over in my mind when I’m having sex with my partner. She doesn’t live with me and in fact, we aren’t even married but we have a few nights together every week. We have enjoyed a good sex life for 10 years but more recently, I have to really concentrate to get myself to climax. Is this a normal thing as you get older? I don’t smoke but I drink the occasional pint. I’m a fit 69-year-old who does a lot of cycling and my partner is 64.

There are some studies that suggest excessive cycling can cause prostate damage and erectile dysfunction but other research suggests there is no correlation. The theories around why damage may be caused is because your weight is focused on the perineal area which can cause numbness. As men age it takes them longer to get an erection, longer to climax and longer until they can go again. These are all part of the normal ageing process. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal Importantly, as you have noticed some recent changes, new to you, it would be wise to see your GP to ensure that there’s no underlying cause for this. If you’re given a clean bill of health, my support pack called Man Who Can’t Climax has exercises to try to increase arousal.

Grief

My best friend let me down when I needed her most

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29030592/dad-died-lost-best-friend/

My dad passed away and two weeks later, I had a massive argument with my best friend. I feel as if I’ve lost everything. Dad was 78 and had a stroke which he never recovered from. It was such a shock. He looked after my mum who is 75 and she has a disability. Now the responsibility has fallen to me to be her main carer. We have help coming in too. I’m a woman of 49 and my best friend worked with me for years at a firm of accountants. She’s 45 and was great while my dad was in hospital, covering some of my work and checking in on me. We had a big argument when I got back to the office. A client was sent somebody else’s tax affairs by mistake but she blamed it on me. I know it happened when Dad was rushed to hospital so I wasn’t there that day. We’ve drawn a line under it, but now I don’t think I can trust her. I feel so low right now.

Your sensitivity will be at an all-time high because you’ve lost your dad and you now have extra responsibilities on top of your job. Your friend should have admitted her mistake but some people lack integrity. If your friendship is more important than this argument, put it behind you and tell her you want things back as they were. My support packs called Rows With Friends and Coping With Bereavement will help.

SO JEALOUS

I'm devastated - the woman I have fallen for has been on date with another guy

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29016206/devastated-woman-fallen-for-date/

A WOMAN I’ve fallen in love with told me she went on a date with another man. I am so demoralised and upset. I’m a 52-year-old married man. My wife’s 48. We’ve been together for 20 years and have two teenagers aged 16 and 18. I’m studying with the Open University and am on a WhatsApp group chat with at least 80 other people on the same course. One of the women on the course was struggling so I’m helping her out. We haven’t met face-to-face but she looks gorgeous in her profile picture. She’s in her late 30s. I’ve become quite attached and feel emotional about her. We text daily but after I heard nothing back from her after one particular message, she told me she’d been on a date. I was really jealous. I thought perhaps she liked me. I was secretly hoping the messages could develop into something more. Learning about her date has knocked me. I’ve become obsessed and infatuated with her. I’m smitten.

You are experiencing a huge crush but you need to be careful about mistaking it for love. It’s normal to be attracted to other people, even when you’re committed to someone else, but it doesn’t mean you should act on these feelings. Take a step back from this woman and turn your attention to your wife. Remind yourself what you’ve got to lose.

DEAR DEIDRE

My mistress dumped me because she feels guilty having affair with married man

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29004008/mistress-dumped-me-feels-guilty/

MY green-fingered lover has dumped me because she is struggling with the guilt of dating a married man. Although our relationship is new, I’m devastated as she was the one thing brightening up my dull life. I’m 55, my wife is 50 and my lover is 45. I met her five months ago when I finally got an allotment. I’d been on the waiting list for years and was so pleased when I finally got my plot. As soon as I saw her weeding her adjacent allotment, I knew I was head over heels in love. We began chatting everyday and would often bring each other coffee, hot tea and cake. She confided she had recently got divorced. It turns out she lived just around the corner from me so we would often walk to allotments together. Our friendship became intense and I started helping out doing odd jobs around her house that she couldn’t do. I felt like a young, strong man as I was helping her fix her kitchen — it turned me on. Soon she started taking me up to her bedroom and we had incredible sex. I couldn’t believe I’d managed to find such a beautiful woman. I hated going home afterwards where my wife would moan that I was spending too much time at “that woman’s house”. I couldn’t help it, my wife didn’t fulfil my needs like my new mistress did and I no longer wanted to kiss her goodnight let alone sleep with her. But then out of nowhere my mistress called off our romance. She told me she couldn’t go out with someone who was married.I’m extremely hurt because I’m in love with this woman. Ever since then when I’ve seen her at the allotments she’s ignored me or answered my questions with one-worded answers. I believe my mistress has feelings for me but that her recent divorce has hurt her. I’m prepared to leave my wife for her but I’m so confused and don’t know what to do.

Your mistress has seen the error of your behaviour and has decided to end things before they escalate any further. You would be better off focusing on your marriage, rather than escaping with a woman you’ve only just met. Leave your marriage if it’s not working but not because you think you got a better offer. Marriage counselling would benefit both you and your wife and my support pack has more information on this. Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975) can also help you both during this time.

DEAR DEIDRE

My partner is a lying cheat who won't change but I still want him

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29016201/my-partner-lying-cheat-change/

Discovering my partner had cheated on me while I was pregnant three years ago was crushing. I’ve tried hard to put it behind me but whenever I feel unsure or we argue, my mind returns to that infidelity. He says the unstable state of our relationship is my fault and that I’ll never let it go. I’m 29 and my partner’s 31. We’ve been together for four years. I was overjoyed when I became pregnant. I thought he felt the same. But then I noticed he was increasingly secretive with his phone. Instead of reassuring me when I questioned his whereabouts too, he became really short-tempered. Being heavily pregnant at the time I felt really vulnerable. I took a quick look at his emails when he went out for a cigarette and I couldn’t believe the sexy messages between him and another woman. I tried to forgive him for the sake of our son but he regularly accuses me of being weak when I ask for reassurance. He has never apologised for straying. Eventually, I moved out of our family home as the arguments were breaking us. Having space made me see that I am with a narcissist. I can now see through the manipulation, but I can’t change his behaviour. We’ve stayed together but he recently left me after I asked if he was committed to rebuilding our relationship. Two weeks passed before he sent a text claiming he wants me and our family. I want him so badly but how do I carry on when he doesn’t take responsibility for his actions. Do narcissists ever change?

You gave your partner a second chance and he hasn’t proved worthy. A narcissist blows hot and cold, one minute declaring their love, then becoming distant the next. Don’t take him back unless he commits to therapy so he can start to understand how his behaviour impacts on you. My support pack Can’t Be Faithful explains more. If he won’t seek help, or show he wants to change, as hard as it will be initially, you’ll be happier and more secure if you start to plan for separate lives. He has a financial responsibility for his child. For more guidance, go to gov.uk/child-maintenance-service.

CUT OFF

My partner has no friends or social life and I don't think it is healthy

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29004009/partner-no-friends-or-social-life/

MY partner has no friends or social life. I’m 30, my partner is 45 and we’ve been together for five years. Over the course of our relationship, I’ve always met up regularly with my girlfriends, but my partner has no mates. He’s never once met a school pal, or even a friend from work. My partner isn’t close with his family and insists that I’m the only person he needs. I’ve encouraged him to perhaps join a club around an interest of his such as football but he’s simply not interested. How can I help him widen his social circle?

It’s very understandable that you are concerned. It is healthy in relationships for both of you to have your individual interests and friendships. Over-relying on one person can feel stifling. That said, some people are happier with a more reclusive life, which is fine as long as he doesn’t try to limit you. My support pack Widening Your Social Circle has more advice.

In the mood

Terrified my partner will stray again because of our differing sex drives

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28985235/partner-stray-again-differing-sex-drives/

I’m scared my partner is going to cheat again because I don’t want sex as often as he does. He’s told me he’s upset that I never initiate it, and that I’m not always in the mood. Sometimes, I feel I should just go to bed with him to stop him from straying. I’m 32 and he’s 34. We’ve been together for five years and have a two-year-old son. Right at the start of our relationship, he was unfaithful to me. I forgave him, but then he cheated again when I was eight months pregnant. Although I was devastated, I chose to stay with him for our baby’s sake. I don’t think he’s cheated since, and I’ve tried so very hard to rebuild my trust in him. He’s also made a real effort to show he’s changed, and he does talk to me more. But I still can’t relax. I know he gets annoyed when I’m too tired for sex. And he keeps asking why I never make the first move. The truth is, I need to feel special and loved - a deep connection - to feel sexy. I don’t always feel that. He’d be happy with a quickie, or sex for sex’s sake. I’m so anxious he’s going to find another woman to satisfy him if I can’t change. Please help.

You should never feel you have to have sex just to keep someone. If your partner loves you, he won’t stray just because you’re not having as much sex as he’d like. It sounds like you have a communication problem when it comes to sex. Be honest with him and explain how you need to feel loved and special first. Perhaps the reason he wants you to initiate it so much is because he also wants to feel desired and wanted. While men are more likely to experience spontaneous desire, women are much more likely to experience responsive desire in long term relationships, which is why you look for more cuddles, kisses and that deeper connection. My support pack, Creating A Sexy Mood, should give you both tips.Tell him your fear that he’ll cheat again, which is making you feel insecure. Let him reassure you. It might help to read my support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, together.

Over the line

My boyfriend's best friend took advantage of him

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29051664/boyfriends-best-friend-took-advantage/

My boyfriend was drunk one night and admitted that his best friend had come on to him when they lived together. His best friend is 39 and my boyfriend is 25. My boyfriend first moved into a flat-share with him when he was 16 but when he moved out to live with me, his friend made a suicide attempt. He recovered but then kept sending photos to my boyfriend of himself in his underwear. We got home from my friend’s birthday party last weekend and my boyfriend was hammered. He started telling me about a time when he’d woken up being intimately touched by his friend. He said that I came along at the right time because he was fed up with his friend apparently “sleep walking”. I called him out on it the next morning but he denied there was anything untoward between them. I’ve told him that his mate’s interest in him is unhealthy. I don’t want to be in a love triangle. I’m female, 22, and this is my first serious relationship.

This man could have groomed your boyfriend, although it seems he turned down his advances. It wouldn’t be unusual for somebody in the same situation to feel protective of an abuser. It is up to your boyfriend to encourage his friend to move on and you can help the situation by letting him see that you and your boyfriend are a strong couple. If your boyfriend confesses to something else which made him feel uncomfortable, he’ll find help through Survivors UK (survivorsuk.org).

No luck

I think I've forgotten how to have sex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29097056/forgotten-how-to-have-sex/

Since I gave birth to my son, I haven’t had a single relationship and I think I’ve forgotten how to have sex. I love my son dearly, but I feel like I have no life other than work and childcare. It’s making me feel really down. I’m a 29-year-old single mum. My son is eight. All my old friends are going out, having fun, and most are happily partnered-up. They stopped bothering to contact me when I kept saying I couldn’t go out because I needed a babysitter. Plus, we have nothing in common anymore. The result is I have no social life. While I’ve been on a few first dates, the men I met were only after sex and none of them was mature enough to take on a child. I have a demanding job as a carer. On weekends, when my son’s dad has him, I just catch up on my sleep. But I’m miserable. There must be more to life than this?

Being a single mum can be lonely, but you sound depressed. Do make an appointment with your GP and tell them how you’re feeling, so they can help. Read my support pack on depression for more advice, and also take a look at Feeling Lonely and Social Life For Single Parents. Once your son is a little older it should be easier to date. And don’t worry - when you find someone you connect with, sex will come naturally’.

Dear Deidre

I had no-strings sex with two different women - then the wrong one got pregnant

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29030586/casual-sex-two-women-family/

Within one year, I’ve gone from loving the single life and having great sex with two different women to feeling trapped by a woman I don’t want to be with. I wish I had a time machine. My life is unrecognisable from a year ago when I was enjoying no-strings sex with two different women. Then, the wrong one got pregnant. I used to love going out on the pull. I’m 26 and a baker for a supermarket. We hired a new girl on our deli counter. I thought she was out of my league. One evening she asked me if I’d give her a lift home. We stopped off for a drink and definitely started flirting. She told me she was 29 and single. She invited me back to hers for a drink. Things got steamy between us after I made a pass at her. We ended up having sex in her front room. She was everything I wanted in a girlfriend but old habits die hard and I went out a week later and met a girl in a club. She was pretty and 20. She was a total man-eater and clearly decided we were having sex that night. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t complaining. It was fun but I knew all along she wasn’t my type. Still I started sleeping with both the women and it was great while it lasted. Then the girl I’d met in the club told me that she was pregnant and I was the father. My dad left me and my mum when I was three and it was no fun growing up so I thought I should try to make a family out of the situation. She moved in with me and our son was born. He is my world but his mum, less so. There’s no spark there. I keep running into my ex at work. She’s the one who gets my heart racing. I feel so trapped.

Find a moment to talk to your girlfriend and explain gently that your relationship doesn’t feel right. She will probably be feeling the same. Better to be honest and work out a way to be amicable co-parents than bring your son up in a house full of tension. Your own childhood wasn’t good but you can still be involved and a great father even if you aren’t all living together. While the thought of living separately may make you feel guilty, consider how damaging a life of resentment - the alternative - would be. Dad Info (dad.info) has great advice for fathers.

DEAR DEIDRE

My husband's midlife crisis has derailed our marriage

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28931677/husbands-midlife-crisis-wrecked-our-marriage/

I TOOK my husband back after he had a mid-life crisis and moved in with another woman, but now I’ve found out he’s secretly on sex chat sites. I’m so humiliated. My head is telling me to throw him out, but my heart says I should give our marriage one last shot. I’m 44 and he’s 46. We have two children who are 10 and 12. Five years ago, my husband suddenly decided he didn’t love me anymore and that he wanted to leave. We separated and I then learned he was seeing a woman from work, which hurt me deeply. But we had to get on, for the kids’ sake. Then, two years ago, his relationship ended, and he said he’d realised he’d made a huge mistake. He put it down to turning 40, and questioning his life choices. He begged to come back so we could be a proper family again. I agreed to give him another chance. For a while, things were great. But recently, he's been moody, stopped making an effort and doesn’t communicate. Last week, he went out with friends and I decided to find out what was going on. I went on his laptop and easily guessed his password - our daughter’s date of birth. I discovered he’d been emailing another woman. It led to a chat site, where he was talking to several women - and sending explicit pictures. He’d been doing it for years! I felt so sick. When he arrived home, I confronted him. He begged me not to kick him out, saying he would never do it again. He deleted his accounts and the email address in front of me. But I can’t forgive him. I think it’s time to end our marriage once and for all, but how can I break my kids’ hearts again?

Your husband betrayed your trust and let you down for a second time. Not only has he cheated, he’s no longer invested in you and taking you for granted. It’s not surprising you feel like walking away. Don’t stay just for the kids - they won’t thrive in an unhappy relationship. See my support pack, When Parents Fall Out. Be honest with yourself, do you really think he is capable of proving his commitment to you? You will be the best person to decide this. Either way couples counselling would help you both work through your feelings. Contact Tavistock Relationships (www.tavistockrelationships.org, tel: 020 7380 1960).

Adult viewing

My boyfriend's Twitter account revealed his secret habit

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29097054/boyfriends-twitter-account-secret-habit/

I’ve discovered my boyfriend has set up a Twitter account just so he can look at porn. He follows hundreds of women with Only Fans accounts on there, and I’m furious. It’s not just humiliating, it’s also making me really insecure. We’ve been together for three years. I’m 26 and he’s 28. I found the account when I went on his tablet to Google something, as mine was at the repair shop. He’d left Twitter open, but it wasn’t his normal account with his name. He had a made-up name, with an avatar. Every single post in his feed was a pornographic image of a girl.When I confronted him, he told me I was overreacting. He said it was totally normal for a guy to do this. He claimed he wasn’t in contact with any of the girls - he just liked looking at the pictures because it was a good form of ‘stress relief’. I can imagine the sort of ‘stress relief’ he enjoys while he looks at them. Now I know why he always takes his phone or tablet to the bathroom with him. I’m no prude and we have lots of sex, so why does he need to do this?The girls all look the same, with big boobs and big lips - nothing like me. Is he right? Am I overreacting?

Lots of men enjoy looking at adult content - as do an increasing number of women. This isn’t an issue of right or wrong, it’s an issue of where you as a couple agree your limits lie. While some women feel their male partner watching porn is equivalent to cheating, others are comfortable with them indulging, while others enjoy watching this content together to enhance their sexual relationship. The important thing is to talk through how you feel and set out some clear boundaries together. My support pack Upset About Pornography will help you.

Blocked

So called friends abandoned us after wife's terminal diagnosis

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28985238/friends-abandoned-us-terminal-diagnosis/

Since my wife was diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer, some of our closest friends have deserted us. I feel extremely angry and resentful and don’t know how to deal with my emotions. I’m 56 and my wife is 54. Last month, after a year of treatments, we were told nothing more could be done, and she only has months to live. After her initial diagnosis, I noticed several long-term friends seemed to distance themselves from us. They stopped inviting us, or calling, and would just send the odd text message. Now, even that has dried up. If I try to contact them, I get very little response - or none at all. It’s incredibly hurtful. While I understand that people don’t know what to say, and there’s nothing they can do to help, it feels like they don't care. One of them is my best friend from school. I’ve known him for over 40 years and we used to socialise with him a lot. I’m at the point of blocking these so-called friends, because I don’t think I ever want to speak to them again. Not everyone has abandoned us - some people we don’t even know well have been wonderful. But I can’t get past my anger.

Sometimes people are scared by a terminal diagnosis, or it brings up emotions from their own lives they prefer to bury. This isn’t an excuse, but might explain your friends’ behaviour. Concentrate on the people in your life who have been there for you.Don’t block your old friends. They may come good in the end. Talking about your feelings will help. Contact Macmillan Cancer Care (macmillan.org.uk, tel: 0808 808 00 00).

NO CONTACT

My situationship ghosted me for someone else

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28931667/situationship-ghosted-me-someone-else/

AFTER months of mixed signals and constant back and forths, the man I love has ghosted me for someone else. I’m 27, he’s 29 and we’ve been on and off dating for nine months. We first met at a mutual friend’s birthday party and had instant chemistry. For months we went on great dates, had fantastic sex, and even started to meet each other's friends. I was falling head over heels for him and thought he was feeling the same way. However, he eventually started disappearing from time to time. Whether it was days or weeks, there were periods when I wouldn’t hear a word from him. At the time I convinced myself it was fine, that he must be busy. He always came back after all. Yet now, after weeks of being ignored again, he’s shared a photo online of him and a new woman. I had always had suspicions he may be seeing other people, but he had always reassured me when I brought it up. Now I feel so broken and upset. I thought we had something special. How could he do this to me?

This is really a blessing in disguise. That man was never going to be good enough for you - you deserve someone who can totally commit and prioritise you, not disappear for weeks on end. My support pack, Moving On, will help you pick up the pieces. When you’re ready to get back out there, my support pack, Finding The Right Partner For You, will aid you in finding a better match.

PROBLEM DRINKER

I'm worried my alcoholic dad is driving my mother into an early grave

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28931671/worried-alcoholic-dad-driving-mother-early-grave/

MY alcoholic dad is ruining my life and driving my mother into an early grave. Last week he had a fall and ended up in hospital. I’m ashamed to say it might have been better for everyone if he’d died. I’m a 38-year-old man, and I’m married with three young children. My father, 65, has been alcoholic for 20 years. He drinks every day, often into unconsciousness. He’s been told by his doctor to stop drinking many times, but however many times he promises to try, he never manages it. At the weekend, he drank so much that he fell and hit his head, giving himself a concussion. My mum, 63, found him in a pool of blood and rushed him to hospital, where they kept him for several days. As soon as he was discharged, he hit the bottle again. My mum is desperately unhappy but she’s scared to leave him as she fears he’ll die. She says she’s his only carer and if she goes, he’ll have no-one. But I feel she’s wasting her life on him. He doesn’t deserve it. Sometimes I can’t help thinking it would be a blessing if he did drink himself to death I worry about them all the time when I should be focusing on my children. What should I do?

Unfortunately, you can't make your dad stop drinking or seek help unless he wants to. And it sounds like he’s in denial. My support pack, Dealing with a Problem Drinker, will tell you more about this, and where your dad can go for help, if he agrees to. Let your mum know you’re there for her, but make it clear how worried you are about her. She can still help your dad, even if she leaves him. You both need support too. Talk in confidence to Al-Anon for people affected by someone else’s drinking (al-anonuk.org.uk, tel: 0800 0086 811).

DNA test

How do I tell my husband's friend he fathered my daughter?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28895263/tell-husbands-friend-daughters-father/

Despite a DNA test confirming my husband is not my daughter’s father I always believed she was. I am 63 and my husband is 63. We have been together for almost 38 years. In all that time I have only been unfaithful once - looking back I felt neglected. My husband had started a new job and was spending a lot of time away from home. I ended up having a very short affair with my husband’s friend. He was single at the time. Our affair only lasted a month and I called it off - admitting everything to my husband because I felt so awful. We worked everything through together and were delighted to discover I was pregnant. I genuinely believed my baby was my husband’s. My daughter has recently done a DNA test as she has become interested in learning more about her family. We all got a shock when the results showed she was the result of the affair. I have tried to be as honest as possible with her but we are both really struggling to deal with this revelation. We are on polite terms with my husband’s former mate but he is unaware. We have no idea what to do. Do we keep quiet?

The results of the DNA test have understandably thrown you into a state of confusion. But don’t lose sight of the happy life you’ve shared with your husband for nearly 38 years and the family you’ve built and love very much. DNA tests can be imprecise so it is important not to jump to conclusions. Talk to Cellmark (www.cellmark.co.uk , 0800 036 253322) which provides confidential, conclusive DNA tests. You could benefit from talking to someone impartial to help you cope with this process. The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk, 01455 883300) can help you find a reputable counsellor.

Pompous

My boyfriend refuses to shop in value supermarkets

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28895265/boyfriend-refuses-shop-value-supermarkets/

My unemployed boyfriend is turning his nose up at shopping in value supermarkets. He is so proud that he even looks down on people who buy second-hand clothes. I’m 26 and my boyfriend’s 29. We’ve been together for two years. He lost his job recently so he doesn’t have much money. I have offered to buy him food and suggested shopping at a cheaper supermarket but he ignores my suggestions. I also thought he could go to a food bank temporarily or cut down on luxuries but he has a real problem with this. I told him there is nothing wrong with cutting back. Most people struggle at some point, especially at the moment with the cost-of-living crisis. How can I get through to him? I find his attitude really off-putting. I have tried telling him that we should be grateful for all we have but it falls on deaf ears.

It can be devastating for many to be out of work. He may be embarrassed about asking for help but there is no shame in it if he needs it. Losing his job was not his fault. He may not be able to swallow his pride but he’s not doing himself any favours by taking this stance. Sometimes, people feel vulnerable asking for help or feel like a failure. He does sound judgemental and you will have to decide whether this is something you can accept about him because it is unlikely he will change.

HARD TASK

Sex with my wife is always over in a flash

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28931680/sex-with-wife-always-over-in-flash/

WHENEVER I have sex with my wife, I finish far too soon - leaving us both feeling frustrated. But when I want to try again, it takes hours to get another erection. I’m 43 and my wife is 40. We’ve been together for 10 years, and this has always been an issue. I have no problem getting hard. My wife is gorgeous and really turns me on. Yet once we start having sex, I always ejaculate within two minutes. This never happens when I pleasure myself. My wife says it’s OK, but I can tell she’s upset about it, as she’s not even near orgasm at that point. I say let’s go again in a few minutes, but then I can’t perform at all. What can I do to get over this problem?

So many men have this problem. In fact, about half of men only last two minutes. Unfortunately, it’s a vicious circle. The more you worry about it, the more it’s likely to happen. Take a look at my Lasting Longer support pack for self-help steps and techniques to deal with this. When you masturbate, practise delaying your orgasm by bringing yourself to the edge and then stopping. This can train your brain and body to better control your orgasm response. It’s normal not to be able to achieve an erection immediately after sex, unless you’re a very young man. Make sure you engage in lots of foreplay, so you can make sure your wife is satisfied.

FEELING CONFUSED

I'm masculine and love football - but I'm desperate to dress as a woman

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29004010/very-masculine-desperate-dress-as-woman/

EVER since I was a young boy I’ve had the urge to dress as a woman. Instead, I’m a 50-year-old straight male. Every time I pass a dress in a store, I wonder how I’d look in it. I love high heels and I am desperate to wear make-up. I’d love to be in a relationship with a woman who would let me explore these feelings and maybe even help me buy outfits but I’m worried these urges mean I could be gay. I’ve never been attracted to men but I’m not sure what could be causing me to feel this way. I’m not sure where these feelings come from, I’m also very masculine. I love football and going to the gym.

Many heterosexual men enjoy exploring their feminine side, by wearing dresses and make-up. Cross-dressing is not uncommon but if you’re worried, get support from the Beaumont Society (beaumontsociety.org.uk, 01582 412 220). My support pack on cross-dressing will also explain more.

Anniversary present

Travel plans are making me feel anxious

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28952453/dangerous-travel-budapest/

When my husband surprised me with a weekend trip to Budapest I was so excited, but then I realised how close I would be to an active warzone. Now I can’t stop worrying about my safety and I’m questioning if we should cancel our trip. I’m 37, my husband is 39 and he bought us this trip to celebrate our 10-year anniversary. I’d always wanted to visit Budapest so it was an amazing surprise. I found myself online researching trying to find things to do when I stumbled across an article about Hungary increasing their defence because of the war in Ukraine. Ever since I haven’t been able to stop worrying. My husband thinks I’m being ridiculous, but I can't help myself from spiralling. Now I can’t stop Googling and reading up about the risks. Finding out that there is a high threat of terrorist attacks on British nationals hasn’t helped. Am I being ridiculous? Or should I cancel my holiday?

I do understand how worried you are about this but Budapest is generally a very safe city for tourists to visit. Crime rates are no worse than other European cities. Although just like in London petty criminals and scammers do operate. For peace of mind, stay cautious and take the same precautions you would at home and you will be fine. As for your concerns about the war, while Hungary borders Ukraine, Budapest is over 600 miles from the Ukrainian border and even farther away from the current conflict zones. For your own peace of mind check the Foreign Office advice (gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice) before you leave.

LOST THRILL

My husband does not want to have oral sex with me and I miss it so much

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29004012/husband-does-not-want-oral-sex/

MY husband does not want to have oral sex with me and I miss it so much. I’m 35 and he is 40. We’ve been together for ten years and got married two years ago. No matter what I do, my husband never wants to pleasure me through foreplay. I’ll try and hint that I would like oral sex, but he always makes an excuse and switches the subject. Despite this he’s always up for intercourse, which never makes me orgasm. I only ever climax through self-pleasure or oral sex. He makes me feel guilty whenever I suggest he should try and get me to climax, but why should I? I want to have an orgasm and enjoy sex too. I’m certain that if I was another woman he would make more effort. It hurts that I know he’s been watching porn because I looked at his phone. I’ve asked if there’s someone else and he insists there isn’t but I don’t believe him. I can’t see why else he wouldn’t be interested in pleasing me. Our sex life used to be fun, rampant and full of love but now it’s so predictable. How can I turn things around and get my husband to enjoy making love to me again?

It’s unfair for your husband to expect you to not experience any pleasure when you’re having sex. Try to talk to him about how much you miss oral sex and foreplay when you are not in the bedroom. Many people find it really difficult talking about such intimate subjects, so be prepared to approach the subject a number of times, there is never one big chat to find the solution. Good communication over a period of time will help him open up and you express how much you miss the sex life that you had. Women do need longer foreplay in order to become aroused and, in turn, climax. My support packs on Understanding Female Pleasure and Tensions Over Oral Sex should be able to help you both move forward past this issue.

Dear Deidre

My husband is blackmailing me to have sex with him

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28864873/husband-blackmailing-me-sex/

My husband says he’ll end his affair if I agree to regular sex with him again, not only does that feel like twisted blackmail but it’s also impossible. I’m a woman of 50 and my husband is 53. Five years ago, I had a terrible accident in Majorca coming off my bike down a steep hill, breaking my leg and pelvis. I was in hospital for almost a month after an operation to put me back together with metal plates. My husband was by my side throughout it all. I had to give up my job and I’m on very strong pain medication even now. My mobility was reduced and I can no longer have sex. Sex was a big part of our relationship and I miss it. I feel a huge amount of guilt for not being able to be close anymore and my husband knows that. But he has always reassured me that he’s coping and that he’d never leave me. But last week, crying he admitted he’d been having an affair with a younger colleague for over six months. He was considering leaving for her. I was so shocked. I had no clue. Apparently he couldn’t live with the deception any longer. He told me that she is 45 and a divorcee. He said they had been meeting every week when I thought he was meeting friends in the pub. The sex has has made him realise what he’s missing. Now he tells me he will stay with me as I am the one he truly loves - as long as I agree to regular intimacy. I’m heartbroken and I don’t know how I can agree to something I simply can’t do.

He’s being selfish emotionally blackmailing you. If he truly loves you, he can find sexual relief in other ways without cheating and destroying your marriage. If you can’t have intercourse, it doesn’t mean you can’t be close and enjoy intimacy. Find a moment to explain to him that unless the medical professionals can make you pain free, then the old you as you know it is gone. As challenging as that reality is you can still reinvent yourselves as a new couple and get help from a counsellor through The College of Psychosexual and Relationship Therapists (www.cosrt.org.uk, tel: 020 8106 9635). My support pack Cheating, Can You Get Over It? explains more about counselling and where you go from here.

TOTAL FANTASY

I want to leave my husband for a man I haven’t actually even met

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29004011/fallen-in-love-husbands-friend/

I WANT to leave my husband for a man I haven’t actually even met. I’m 54 and my husband is 55, we’ve been together for over 30 years and share three beautiful children. My husband and I split up over five years ago but have continued to co-habit for the sake of our children as they all have learning disabilities. We wanted to give our children a stable life instead and we get on well. We do occasionally have sex but only to satisfy our needs. Neither of us wants to rekindle our relationship. Last year I decided I was ready to find love again. I then got talking to a man who supports the same football club as us. He is everything I want in a man and more. He lives a few hours away from me but we communicate regularly through phone and video calls. We love each other although we are yet to meet. However, it’s very awkward as while I’ve never met him, my husband has. My husband and him supported the same football team as young adults and often went to matches together with their friends. I don’t know how to tell my husband I have fallen head over heels in love with his former friend. They don’t see each other any more but I think it will hurt my husband. The man that I’ve really fallen for is obviously worried about my husband’s reaction also. He doesn’t want to meet in person if it’s behind my partner’s back. Neither of us wants an affair and he says we can only pursue a relationship if I leave my husband. I want to get on with my life but feel stuck.

Looking after three children with learning disabilities will have put a huge strain on both you, your husband and your marriage. Don’t make any rash decisions before meeting this man in real life at the very least. If you still think you could have a future with him then you would be wise to talk to your husband. As you say it would be far better to be honest and upfront with him than start sneaking around. Give him time to absorb the news and he may well accept this development. I’m sending you my support packs Ending A Relationship and Thinking Of Divorce to help you think this through.

HIDDEN TRAUMA

I have never forgotten being sexually abused as a child by my uncle

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29016207/sexually-abused-child-by-uncle/

I HAVE never forgotten being sexually abused as a child by my uncle. It culminated in me being raped by him. I am now a 34-year-old woman. My uncle intimidated me and told me to keep it a secret and I’ve never told anyone in my family. He said if I told anyone, nobody would believe me and I would get into trouble. He is my dad’s brother and used to stay with my family on a regular basis. He was a divorcee. His wife left him years before and I can understand why. He is a horrible man and I no longer have anything to do with him. Not a soul in my family knows what happened to me. I have talked to many doctors but they fob me off and tell me it was a long time ago. They encourage me to move on. They offer CBT but it hasn’t really helped. What would be the best way to find a good trauma therapist who is available sooner rather than later?

It is never too late to seek help for the awful abuse you suffered. Your uncle intimidated you into silence, keeping you in his power. It is understandable that you don’t want to be near him and nor should you have to be. My support pack, Abused As A Child will show you where to get the help you need and deserve. The pack also details where to get support if you want to bring a case against your uncle.

BAD MEMORY

My father broke my arm and wrote me out of his will

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28864876/father-broke-arm-fit-rage/

My father broke my arm in a fit of rage and then left all of his estate to my brother when he died. I’m a man of 56 and my dad was 82 when he passed away with dementia. My brother has a gambling addiction and has had money problems for years so I know all the inheritance will go down the drain.It’s absolutely gutting. Before his death last year, I’d been helping him in his greenhouse with some seedlings but when I tried to tip some compost into the smaller pots, a huge amount tipped all over the floor. Dad went berserk, yelling at me. He raised his walking stick to me and wacked me around the head then when I put my arm up to stop him, he hit me so hard he broke my arm. My father passed away nine months later. When the will was read, I had been left out completely and so had my sister. My sister lives in Spain and she thinks my elder brother coerced Dad into changing his will. My brother lives two streets away from me and got every single penny. Now he refuses to see me.

I’m sorry that the end of your father’s life was so difficult for you. If your father changed his will since his dementia diagnosis then you may have grounds to contest it but you need evidence and a solicitor to represent you. Talk to your father’s doctor to see what information they can give you. His death certificate may mention dementia. The outcome of contesting a will is by no means certain and it could be costly so talk to your local Citizens Advice Bureau (citizensadvice.org.uk). They offer free advice and may be able to recommend a law firm who will assist you on a no-win no-fee basis.

Dear Deidre

My wife's started affair with another mum at school gate, I caught them kissing

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28985232/wife-dressed-up-school-run/

My wife started an affair with another mum at the school gate. I caught them kissing and was horrified. Now I’m finding it hard to forgive her. I’m 43 and my wife is 42. We’ve been married for 12 years and have an eight-year-old daughter. Last year, I noticed that my wife seemed very distracted - she was no longer interested in talking to me, and certainly not interested in having sex. She was also suddenly a lot more bothered about her appearance when she dropped off our daughter at school in the mornings - putting on full makeup and nice clothes, instead of heading out in leggings and a jumper. I began to suspect she was having an affair, and confronted her.She laughed and said I was being ridiculous. But one day, when our daughter’s friend came for a playdate, the girl’s mum stayed for a coffee. While the kids were upstairs playing, I walked into the living room and found my wife and the other mum kissing passionately. I was so shocked - it was the last thing I’d imagined. They jumped apart and my wife made excuses. None of them rang true. She eventually admitted they’d been having a relationship for a few months. Their close friendship had grown into more. She said she wasn’t a lesbian, and couldn’t explain her feelings.I told the woman’s husband, as I felt he deserved to know. He was angry and upset too. My wife desperately wants me to forgive her. She says the affair was a mistake and she doesn’t love the other woman. Part of me feels it’s not as big a betrayal as if she’d had sex with another man. But I’m finding it hard to move on, regardless. It’s not helped by the fact this woman is at the school gates every day. What should I do?

Your wife had an affair and lied about it. The fact it was with another woman rather than a man doesn’t make it any less devastating. She wants to make amends and rebuild your marriage, but you’re understandably finding this hard - not least because you can’t get away from the other family. Some relationship counselling - alone and/or together - would really help you both to work through your feelings. You can find support through Tavistock Relationships (www.tavistockrelationships.org, tel: 020 7380 1960) who have online help available. My support pack on Counselling will tell you more.

HE'S MISERABLE

I am really worried for my grandson - he has been off school for months

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28847944/really-worried-for-my-grandson/

MY grandson has been off school for a few months and I am really worried about him. He is nearly 13, in his second year at secondary school. He seems so miserable. I’ve asked him so many times what is going on but he simply shakes his head and refuses to talk. It’s heartbreaking. My daughter is now planning to take him out of school completely and homeschool him. She was working full-time but has cut her days. I don’t think she can afford it but I try not to pry into her business. I have offered to help my grandson but he doesn’t want me there. He swore at me the other day because I told him off for being cheeky and answering me back. He shuts himself in his room and only comes out when he is hungry. I am his 65-year-old grandma. I bought some books for him to help with his maths and English but he hasn’t looked at them. He does attend a martial arts class every week which is something. I don’t know what else I can do for him.

You are naturally concerned for your grandson’s best interests. It’s entirely normal for teens to withdraw to their rooms but avoiding or refusing to go to school suggests there’s an issue. Suggest your daughter speak to her son’s school to see if they can support him. If she is adamant about homeschooling, then you have to respect her decision. Your grandson does sound very angry. Could you or his mum suggest he talks to someone completely impartial. He can contact themix.org.uk, who help young people under 25 to get essential support. Sometimes children lash out if they feel anxious or unsettled. You and your daughter can get further support through familylives.org.uk (0808 800 2222).

Dear Deidre

My wife is so blatant about her affair

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28952449/wife-hide-affair/

After months of struggling with our sex life, I’ve discovered that my wife is openly cheating with one of my colleagues - she isn’t even bothering to hide it. I’m 36, she’s 34 and we’ve been married for six years. I knew our relationship was in trouble but even still I got a shock when I walked past our local pub and saw the two of them cuddling up in our local pub’s beer garden. Until eight months ago we have always shared amazing sexual chemistry but things went south after I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Our sex life took a massive hit as I struggled to get and maintain an erection. While the doctor said it was a common side effect, it hit our relationship hard. As much as I tried to reassure her, I could tell it was getting her down, and eventually, she started avoiding sex altogether. I tried everything to reignite our spark, from organising dates to buying Viagra, but she never seemed interested. It wasn’t long before I started noticing that things were off. She started working late a lot and going out a lot with her work friends. While a part of me suspected she could be cheating, I didn’t want to believe it. But spotting them kissing in a corner of the pub’s garden meant I couldn’t deny I had a big problem. I remembered that I’d seen them chatting at my Christmas work party, but I could never have imagined that it would lead to this. I was so devastated that I left without saying a word and to this day she has no idea that I know. Where do I go from here?

Being betrayed by the person you love will feel devastating but the longer you stay silent the worse it’ll be for your relationship. Your trust has been shattered and the only way you can rebuild is by working through it together. Be honest with your wife. Let her know what you saw and how hurt you feel. With the right support, it is possible to move on from her cheating but this is something you will have to do as a couple. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you both. There is so much more to intimacy than penetrative sex and it would definitely be worth considering sex therapy as part of couples counselling. Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, tel: 020 7380 1975) can help.

FED UP

My wife is not interested in having sex, I have tried everything to change her mind

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28847943/wife-not-interested-in-having-sex/

I HAVE tried everything I can to get my wife interested in sex but nothing works. I’m 59 and she’s 57. We have been married for 30 years but lately she has no interest in sex whatsoever. My wife is in good shape for her age and I always compliment her on her figure and her appearance generally. It makes it worse in a way because I really still fancy her after all these years. I have tried cooking her favourite meals, lost a bit of weight and bought new clothes, different to what I usually wear. I’ve had my hair cut into a different style too. She noticed these changes and can see I am making an effort, but nothing changes. I even took her away to a posh hotel thinking that being somewhere different might spark her interest, but sadly it didn’t. I love my wife dearly but I am frustrated and fed up. Nothing I try works. What else can I do?

You are putting so much effort into improving your sex life but have you tried to talk to her? The thought of discussing something so sensitive can be daunting but genuinely good communication on this can make the biggest improvement. It doesn’t have to be one massive talk, but opening up this subject area will help you both hugely. Your attempts to pique your wife’s interest may feel like added pressure to her. Ask her to discuss what you can both do to improve your relationship and, in turn, your sex life.

Flat

I love my wife but our sex life is lame

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28952452/love-wife-sick-boring-tedious-sex/

I love my wife with all of my heart but I’ve had enough of our boring and tedious sex life. All I want is to feel close to her again, but every time we get intimate it feels like a chore and she refuses to talk about spicing things up. I’m 52, she’s 49 and we’ve been married for 20 years. Over the last few years, the sexual spark between us has died. We often go weeks, if not months without having sex, and when we do it feels as if she can’t wait for it to be over. Every time it’s the same old missionary position and it’s never fun or spontaneous. She even tries to avoid kissing and foreplay too. I’ve tried to talk to her about experimenting and trying new things but she refuses to even engage in the conversation. I’m at a loss. What can I do?

Keeping things fun and exciting in a marriage long term isn’t easy and can take a lot of time, attention, and love. The longer you both ignore this issue the worse it’ll get. Find a moment to talk to her about how you are feeling. Tell her how much you love her and miss the intimacy you once shared. Take a look at my support pack about Sex Therapy, and ask if she would consider trying this with you. I’m also sending you my support pack 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex to help spice things up.

Lose it all

My wife asked for a divorce out of the blue - what did I do wrong?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28864882/wife-divorce-what-wrong/

My wife has told me she wants a divorce which means I’ll lose everything I have worked for. It has come out of the blue. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. I thought things were great. We’ve been married for three years and we both have good jobs but I have been given a promotion within the company which means a move to Scotland. She was ready to start our new life but now she’s changed her tune and apparently our relationship is over. She’s 34 and I’m 37. We have a rescue labrador and he’s my world. My wife works from home so he’ll have to stay with her. If I take this job I’ll be going alone. I’m heartbroken it’s come to this.

Perhaps your wife had been thinking that things weren’t right for a while and you didn’t see the signs. The best time to tell you was when you were on a high, thinking about your exciting future. But you deserve an explanation at the very least. Find a moment to talk and tell her that you need a better understanding and suggest a few sessions of counselling with a therapist at Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975). They can help you to separate with dignity if things are truly over. My support pack called Mend Your Broken Heart will help you if you have to go it alone.

TOTAL GRIEF

My husband's sudden death during routine operation has completely devastated me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28847940/husband-sudden-death-during-operation/

MY husband went into hospital for a routine operation on his knee and never woke up again. His sudden death has completely devastated me. I am 71. My husband was 73. We had been married for almost 50 years and were going to have a big celebration later in the year. He was generally fit and well, but he had been complaining a few days before his operation that he felt a bit unwell. I blame myself for his death, for not listening to him. I would like to ask my husband’s surgeon if he could help me understand what happened. I didn’t think I could feel so heartbroken, angry and a nuisance all at the same time. My emotions are all over the place. Sometimes I think that I was to blame and should have done more. His operation was cancelled so many times, but he was in good spirits. I just miss him so much. It is a physical pain. I am so confused as to what to do next.

Guilt is a common feeling when we become bereaved, no matter what the circumstances so don’t be harsh on yourself. It will take time to come to terms with your sudden loss. This wasn’t your fault and you could not have foreseen what would happen. Cruse bereavement care will understand how you feel and give you good advice (cruse.org.uk, 0808 808 1677). My support pack Coping With Bereavement will help you too.

Screen time

I can't quit my porn addiction

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28897058/porn-addiction-out-of-hand/

I watch porn at every opportunity. It all started when sex stopped in my relationship a year ago. I am a 52-year-old male. My partner is 48. We have been together for 10 years but over the last year we have not been intimate once. Whenever I try to get close to her she brushes me aside. It is so rejecting. To satisfy my needs I’ve been viewing adult content but now I struggle to control my need for it. My partner doesn’t know about my porn addiction. I can’t tell her because she would definitely not approve. I watch it when she is at work, when she’s asleep and when I am supposed to be working. I know I need to stop because I am relying on it more and more. I have tried going cold turkey but it didn’t work. I worry that my addiction is stopping me from getting closer to my partner again.

Online porn is designed to be addictive and it is brave of you to admit to having a problem. My support packs Internet Pornography Worry? and Addicted To Sex explains more about this and where you can turn for help. You can also try the free Kick Start Recovery Programme, which provides self-help for sex addiction (www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk). A healthy sex life has huge mental health benefits. It’s completely unrealistic of your partner to expect you to be happy with the lack of intimacy and any explanation. My support pack Has She Gone Off Sex will help.

DEAR DEIDRE

I have been having great sex with my friend's mum - & now she wants a divorce

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28847932/sex-friends-mum-she-wants-divorce/

I’VE been having great sex with my friend’s mum, and she wants to get a divorce and run away with me. The problem is I don’t want to take our relationship any further. I am a guy of 34 and my friend’s mum is 51. I genuinely liked her but as time has gone on I don’t see us together in the future. I’ve realised I want to meet someone my age who I can have children with. The thought of letting her down is stressing me out. She keeps talking about how we’re going to tell her husband and daughter, who was my friend when we were younger. Her daughter was in my social group from school but we lost contact over the years. When I first ran into her mum again last winter, I couldn’t believe how good she looks for her age. I’d bumped into her when I went to a new coffee shop in town. It was great catching up on the old times and we said we would keep in touch and exchanged numbers. Not long after, we arranged to meet again, and she confided in me that she was in a sexless marriage. Her husband is 62. She surprised me by inviting me over the next day for lunch as he would be at work. I knew what was coming and agreed to go over. We ended up having awesome sex almost as soon as I arrived. Since then we have been meeting regularly at her place. Now she’s pushing to take things further but it’s the last thing I want. I like her a lot and don’t want to hurt her.

Find a time when you are both calm, and make it clear this affair can’t continue, sooner rather than later. You feel some sympathy for her but she really needs to sort out her relationship independently of you. It is only a matter of time before someone discovers what is going on. It could all get very messy. You’re in danger of being caught up in someone else’s marriage breakdown. You know what the solution is, you can’t allow this affair to drift on. Now you know what you want, it wouldn’t be right to lead her on any longer. Once you have told her, steer clear. She will be hurt and disappointed but she really does need to sort herself out without you to distract her. My support pack Your Lover Not Free? explains more.

Seduced

Married supermarket security guard was a real gent when he cheated

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28864879/sex-security-guard-local-supermarket/

I was propositioned by the security guard in my local supermarket. I caved in and gave him my number and two days later, we had sex at my flat. I’m a woman of 28 and I’ll sleep with anyone who gives me attention. Mostly it’s one-night stands. I have never had a proper relationship with anyone. This guy seemed different though. He came out with the whole, “It’s complicated…” patter but admitted he was married and said he was 31. He treated me well. He was a gentleman and was kind. Nobody has done that to me before. They normally want sex and then I don’t see them for dust. Half the guys don’t even know my name. I know this guy is married but would it be OK if I called by the supermarket again to ask if he wanted to meet up? If his marriage is over, I could have a chance of being with somebody.

This isn’t a great idea, no. This man has a wife so he’s not that kind - he’s a cheat. If you did have an affair you would always be second best, it would complicate your life and you’re worth so much more than having a no-strings relationship. This guy may have given you the taste of how you'd like to be treated, with somebody who is interested in you as a person. Please don’t mistake sex for love. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal Read my support pack called Finding The Right Partner For You which may help you to make better choices of partner.

Thank you

You helped me reignite the spark in my marriage

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28985240/helped-me-reignite-spark-marriage/

After years of feeling miserable in a sexless marriage with a grumpy, menopausal wife, I wrote to you for advice. I dreaded coming home from work to a woman who wouldn’t talk to me, but complained I didn’t listen. She wasn’t interested in affection or sex and sat silently in front of the TV watching reality programmes. I’m 56 and she’s 52. We had once been so in love and happy together, and I wanted our relationship to be good again. You told me my wife and I had stopped communicating, and we needed to talk frankly to each other. You suggested it was possible many of her problems were due to the menopause, which can affect mood and sap libido. You also sent me your Menopause and Sex Drive support packs. Six months on, things have vastly improved. We had a good talk about how we felt and agreed to make more effort with each other. We also took a holiday abroad, which relaxed us so much that we finally rekindled our sex life. Although things aren’t perfect, we’re on the way to being happy again. Thank you, Deidre.

I’m so glad things are better for you both. Often couples just need to communicate better.

OFF GRID

I’m desperate to have contact with my grandson but my daughter is ghosting us

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28835165/daughter-ghosting-grandson-contact/

OUR daughter has always been selfish and self-centred but her latest trick has really taken the biscuit. One month ago she and my grandson moved away without any warning or explanation. I’m 68 and my husband is 73. Our daughter is 48 and our grandson is 13. I’ve been heavily involved in raising him because my daughter is a single mum and works full time. I used to take him to medical appointments, birthday parties and I’ve even taken him on holiday. He is everything to me. But since she moved, I haven’t heard one word from her. My daughter hasn’t told me their new address and won’t answer my calls or emails. I’ve spoken to other family members but they don’t know where they are either. Then a week ago I spotted my grandson at a local shop. I ran in and wrapped my arms around him. It felt like I’d won the lottery and he was happy to see me too. He was with a friend but refused to tell me his new address. In the end I called up his school begging for his new address but the receptionist refused to give it to me. Hours later the police arrived at the door accusing me of harassment and stalking. I couldn’t believe it. My husband and I were both given warnings and told we could even be jailed if we had any more contact with my grandson. I’m not sure what to do any more. I’m desperate to have contact with my grandson and can’t seem to get through to my daughter. I’m terrified I won’t see my grandson until he’s 18. How can I make sure this doesn’t happen?

What a shame that your daughter is coming between you and your grandson, someone you have a close bond with. You can get advice from familylives.org.uk, who will understand the issues here. You can also contact charity grandparentsapart.co.uk, which helps people keep in contact with their grandchildren. And standalone.org.uk helps people of all ages who are estranged or disowned by family members.

DEAR DEIDRE

I almost cheated on my husband with another man - on our honeymoon

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/28835233/why-wont-lover-commit-leaving-wife/

DAYS after marrying my husband, I nearly had sex with my surfing instructor. What is wrong with me? This happened last summer, but I’m still really struggling to let go of the guilt and I feel so ashamed. My husband is 31 and I’m 29. After our wedding we travelled to Cornwall for our honeymoon — it’s our special place and we had many happy memories from great holidays there. But that fateful night we were in the pub, celebrating hard with a few drinks, when our surf instructor turned up with friends. We were all having a good time when this instructor invited both of us outside for a smoke. My husband hates the habit but I can’t resist after a drink so I went outside with him. We were having a good chat and getting on brilliantly. Then my husband came out and said he was feeling a bit ropey. He asked if I minded if he went back to the hotel. It was just around the corner so I told him I’d finish my drink then head back. But the instructor, who is in his late 30s, got me another drink before I could refuse. Then he really started flirting with me. He was so good-looking and fun, I couldn’t resist when he leaned in for a kiss. He then insisted on walking me back to the hotel, via the beach where we just about stopped short of having sex. It wasn’t the first time I’ve strayed. Unfortunately I do have form for getting drunk and having a kiss and cuddle with a stranger. How can I move on from this?

You’ve identified that drinking heavily changes your behaviour – you start smoking and put your relationship at risk. So the simplest improvement is cutting down the amount you drink so you are in control of your choices. Before you tell your husband about this instructor, ask yourself if you would be primarily telling him to alleviate your own sense of guilt. He will be incredibly hurt by your revelation. If you have genuinely learned you don’t want to stray any more, it could be pointless telling him. Perhaps it would be better to accept you behaved in a way you are no longer comfortable with and that you are ready to make positive changes. My support pack, Feeling Guilty?, will also have some useful information. However, you may feel you need to be honest to move on. In which case couples therapy will help you both come to terms with this.Tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975) will help.