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Doctors finished the surgery to replace the joint at the end of my femur right at the stroke of midnight last night | New year; new knee! | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you call a bottle of ketchup waiting to get it's beard shaved? | A barber-queue sauce! | Continue a dad joke: |
Was at my brother-in-law's house | He was telling us that his son is back into baseball and does conditioning 4 days a week. I said, "Why so much? The kids hair can only get so soft." | Continue a dad joke: |
630 is the best time on a clock! | Hands Down!! | Continue a dad joke: |
Operation systems used by airlines | are mostly based on cloud computing. | Continue a dad joke: |
Time magazine will do a series on high-profile fathers | It will be called Daddy Issues | Continue a dad joke: |
Why did the baseball player get arrested | He stole a base. | Continue a dad joke: |
My wife and I were married for 3 wonderful years. | Then 2 years after that we got a divorce. | Continue a dad joke: |
Why were many Soviets in a hurry? | Because they were Russian. | Continue a dad joke: |
There’s a new type of broom out it’s sweeping the nation | It's got a handle on popularity. | Continue a dad joke: |
Spiders must really like the Internet. | They are always on the web. | Continue a dad joke: |
How did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? | It was well armed. | Continue a dad joke: |
What kind of music are balloons afraid of | Pop music. | Continue a dad joke: |
Whenever I’m stuck on a problem I head to Firestone | Because where there’s a wheel there’s a way. | Continue a dad joke: |
Did you hear about the midget pyschic that escaped from prison? | Hes a small medium at large | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you call the space where a hobbit lives? | A Hobbitat | Continue a dad joke: |
Bing Crosby was great. | But just imagine how good Google Crosby could’ve been. | Continue a dad joke: |
You murder one pizza man, then you have to murder another and another and another | That's the Domino's effect. | Continue a dad joke: |
30 years ago I met a beautiful woman and asked her out on a date. | She said no both times. | Continue a dad joke: |
Found some hazardous materials during remodeling... | But I'm cleaning it up asbestos I can. | Continue a dad joke: |
I get so tired after taking a hot bath. | I find them draining. | Continue a dad joke: |
I did it TV is paused because we’re talking about the movie my and the wife just watched. It’s 11:47PM | But if you don’t unpause what we’re watching now, we’ll be watching it until next year | Continue a dad joke: |
Ah, 2021... I remember it as if it were yesterday. | And I'm pretty sure I forgot my password again. | Continue a dad joke: |
TIL: Scientists have developed a mind controlled air freshener. | It makes scents of you think about it. | Continue a dad joke: |
Usually it's Marcia Marcia Marcia | today is Jan 1st. | Continue a dad joke: |
Does anyone hear cracks when they get older? | I guess my body is audibly grown | Continue a dad joke: |
2022 is the year of the owl | Twoo-teee two-teee twooo | Continue a dad joke: |
Why did Cinderella get gender reassignment surgery | So she could have her own balls | Continue a dad joke: |
So Japan are planning to launch a wooden satellite into orbit next year. | Who'd have thought that woodwork? | Continue a dad joke: |
What did one congenital twin say to the other? | That's Mitosis. | Continue a dad joke: |
Expected more out of the Times Square NYE Party this year and was seriously disappointed. | They really dropped the ball. :( | Continue a dad joke: |
Guys my sisters pregnant! | Im finally a dad! | Continue a dad joke: |
Yesterday, I purchased some boots off a drug dealer | I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day! | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you call a fake noodle? | An impasta. | Continue a dad joke: |
I think we shouldn't make out today | Coz it's the first date | Continue a dad joke: |
My friends hates ants. | Today he saw an ants nest. He has been very antsy the whole day. | Continue a dad joke: |
Two masked men robbed a pharmacy for Viagra | Lookout for a couple of hardened criminals. | Continue a dad joke: |
Why does Superman have a lower case "s" on his chest | Because not all heroes wear caps. | Continue a dad joke: |
Did you hear about the funeral director whose car broke down | He had to re-hearse. | Continue a dad joke: |
What did the thankful German tank say to the other tank | Tanke schön | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you call a Sasquash who backtalks | A Sasmouth | Continue a dad joke: |
Why doesn't my wife ever listen to me | Because she's ear-resistable. | Continue a dad joke: |
I gave my son some advice this morning for the new year I told him, “Keep a parliament of owls with you throughout the year.” | He said, “A parliament of owls?” “Yes,” I replied. “It’s for more-owl support.” | Continue a dad joke: |
If a Tsundere is cold on the outside and sweet on the inside... and a Yandere is sweet on the outside but cold and murdery on the inside... | What do you call a girl who just wants to wash and fold your clothes? Laundere | Continue a dad joke: |
Why was the music student arrested? | Multiple miss-da-meters. | Continue a dad joke: |
I'm shattered today, my dog kept me up all night with her scratching. | I wish I'd never taught her to DJ. | Continue a dad joke: |
My wife asked | If you could change one thing about me, what would it be? I said, "Your husband." | Continue a dad joke: |
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward | that's just how I roll | Continue a dad joke: |
Did you hear about the guy that died eating dessert in Hawaii? | He was poi-soned. | Continue a dad joke: |
One of my friends started a daily dad jokes text line. | And it’s my new favorite thing. Let’s hear your best ones! | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you call a bad hair day after an accident? | A (w)rectangle. | Continue a dad joke: |
If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. | But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. | Continue a dad joke: |
What did the 1 Non-binary Ninja do to the other Non-binary Ninja? | They/Them | Continue a dad joke: |
What did the Scot say to his friend as they approached a herd of sheep? | F*** ewe. | Continue a dad joke: |
If you thought 2020 wasn’t getting a sequel | 2020 2 just arrived, watch as events unfold this year as we await the much anticipated sequels 2020 3, 2020 4, 2020 5, 2020 6, 2020 7, 2020 8, and 2020 9. Competing with the fast and the furious for most sequels | Continue a dad joke: |
Why do people keep talking about new year's resolution | I still play at 1920x1080 and it won't change this year | Continue a dad joke: |
Did you hear the love story about the tree huggers? | I’ll spare you the details, but it was really sappy. | Continue a dad joke: |
Deer Steaks? We have deer Christmas decorations in our front yard. My son was trying to pack them up for storage. | Son: Dad, I need some help. I can't pull up the deer stakes. Me: Deer steaks? I think that's called venison. | Continue a dad joke: |
I am going to sue Ikea | But for that I need to build a case | Continue a dad joke: |
To all those watching "Don't look up" | What's up guys!? | Continue a dad joke: |
I told my kids that we should give the next door neighbor a nice Christmas present. | That guy is always by our side. | Continue a dad joke: |
I make the same New Years resolution every year, and I break it every year. | I resolve to never make another New Years resolution. | Continue a dad joke: |
It the first thing you do on January 1st is go to a restaurant and order a starter dish, you’re having an APPY new year. | Happy new year, folks. | Continue a dad joke: |
I didn’t think my new job mending camping equipment would be very exciting. | But, guys… It’s SEWIN’ TENTS! | Continue a dad joke: |
Many people are very finicky about proper grammar. | But I could care less. | Continue a dad joke: |
You might not believe me when I tell you the Canadian Prime Minister's name | But it's Trudeau. | Continue a dad joke: |
Has everyone heard the unfortunate news that Betty White passed away at 99? | She never got to finish counting to 100 and saying “Ready or not, here I come!” | Continue a dad joke: |
2021 was an amazing year | I remember it like it was yesterday | Continue a dad joke: |
If you witnessed a robbery at an Apple store… | Would you be called an iWitness? | Continue a dad joke: |
My waiter couldn’t find my table when he was bringing me my food. | The table number is 404 | Continue a dad joke: |
What kind of stories do dogs like? | A furry tail | Continue a dad joke: |
Threw out the full diaper genie bag this morning.. | That shit was so last year | Continue a dad joke: |
My blood pressures have been great all year! | My 8y/o with a chronic illness, after taking their BP this morning | Continue a dad joke: |
My daughter's gentle wake up call. | When my daughter was around 10-11, she could be a pain to get up in the morning. One morning, I came into her room with a maniacally cheerful "Hey Katie, guess what?". I proceeded to keep this up until I get a groggy, grumbling, and finally, a sleepy-eyed "What?" | Continue a dad joke: |
I can only give you my divided a t t e n t i o n | attention | Continue a dad joke: |
I've raised and changed diapers of 2 baby girls but now I have a son. | Changing his diaper is a whole new ball game. | Continue a dad joke: |
How did the doggie day care keep the carpets clean | They shampoodled them twice dailey! | Continue a dad joke: |
I really like hot stoves I don’t know why. | I can’t put my finger on it | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you call a confused Jeff Goldbloom Ian HowCome? | I don't know, I'm still trying to figure it out! | Continue a dad joke: |
In 2022, I will finally get my back looked at. | It's my old year's resolution. | Continue a dad joke: |
There was a nasty storm over the Madrid airport | The rain over Spain fell mainly on the planes | Continue a dad joke: |
Alarm blazing early AM with hard rock music... Wife... sleeping.... is that you? pause... IS THAT YOU?? | Ummm - No I do not know how to play the gutair. Zing. | Continue a dad joke: |
What is a car mechanic's favourite show? | Braking Bad! | Continue a dad joke: |
I feel like I know of an idiom of some sort | It's at the tip of my tongue | Continue a dad joke: |
I named my dog Kobe | So when people ask where were you when Kobe died, I say “He’s in perfect health right now”. | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you call it when a search engine is lifting weights? | A google-flex. | Continue a dad joke: |
Today I accidentally sent a nude picture of myself to my entire address book. | The embarrassment of it was hard enough to handle. It also cost me a small fortune in stamps | Continue a dad joke: |
I never knew running a Panda cafè would be so dangerous | Most of my customers come in then; eat, shoots and leaves. | Continue a dad joke: |
What country is the true leaders of ‘Tomorrow’? | The country with the most PROCRASTINATORS | Continue a dad joke: |
How much did Darth Vaders Suit Cost | An arm and a leg | Continue a dad joke: |
Last year was a tough one for me having a badly broken neck | But at least now, I can look back and laugh.. | Continue a dad joke: |
My dad was telling me about this new show on Hulu/Disney+ called Dopesick | He said it was very addictive | Continue a dad joke: |
For the new year I’m sharing my resolution | 2560x1440 | Continue a dad joke: |
I don’t think vodka will keep me up | But it’s worth a shot | Continue a dad joke: |
I was planning a trip and was confused whether to go to Iceland or Greenland. | But my bank statements say that's it's going to be _*Neitherlands*_ | Continue a dad joke: |
My brother is a satanist | No wonder he likes deviled eggs | Continue a dad joke: |
Why didn’t anyone want to bet on the even-numbered contestants beating the odds in a diet competition | Because the odds were slim | Continue a dad joke: |
Catch 2022? | Was it Greg or Ian? | Continue a dad joke: |
We make it ap-parent, | but... It's really inconceivable. | Continue a dad joke: |
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… | he said maybe they’ll marry each other. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age... | Continue a dad joke: |