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400 | At least you know that the female urethra exists. The number of people out there who think women pee from their vaginas is too damn high. | {
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401 | A FAMILY THAT FUCKS TOGETHER STUCKS TOGETHER. | {
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402 | > I've friend zoned hotter women than you've ever banged.\n\n-- Seth Green, possibly. | {
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403 | thankfully anyone who carries around a condom in their wallet never actually uses it. | {
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404 | I watched it 10 times before I realized. I couldn't rap my head around what this was and why people were apparently giving their lives to the almighty rectangle. \n\nThen I saw the one guy in jean shorts fly 30 feet in the air and realized there is no way people wear jean shorts. | {
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405 | Sorry to hear your mom has cancer :( ~Live like u were dying!!~ .Donna | {
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406 | First name Crap, last name Bag. | {
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407 | That's the mark of a master right there | {
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408 | You can't put your awkwardness with women all on your parents. At some point you have to take charge of your romantic life and avoid thinking that you have to seek the approval of anyone outside of your relationship/friendship with the girl.\n\nEDIT: Gold?? Well, that's a great way to start off my new year. | {
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409 | Your 'friend' sucks. | {
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410 | Maybe he just loves chipotle. | {
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411 | Where do you get your weed bro | {
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412 | It's because everyone's genitals are pixelated right? | {
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413 | >A friend met him in an orgy\n\nyou mean the 38 year old Nazi-cokehead-heroin dealer your 17 year old friend met at an orgy wasn't a straight shooter?\n\nEDIT: Thanks for the gold, valiant stranger | {
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414 | Reminds of the office when they were giving sex ed advice:\n\n"whats the Safest form of Safe Sex?"\n\n"Condoms"\n\n"No, actually Its abstinence"\n\n"Oh, see I didn't realize we were doing trick questions. What's the safest way to go skiing? Don't ski."\n | {
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415 | By "coke" do you mean small children? | {
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416 | > covering your naked body with vaseline and crawling around like a slug | {
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417 | Does the carpet match the snakes? | {
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418 | 26, and I still fucking go beastly on my stairs. Even when I get to the top, I'll continue on all fours. | {
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419 | it's a blood bath in here. i'm going to go home and hug my wife. | {
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420 | That was a great Breaking Bad scene | {
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421 | I DO THIS SHIT. I am such an asshole but that fucking bitch doesn't put the cap on and it gets all weird and shit. \n\n-together for 5 years. | {
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422 | anything less would be uncivilized | {
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423 | People puttin so much Cali bud into the air it be givin the clouds cotton mouth | {
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424 | He also said in 2012 :\n"Je n'ai pas peur des représailles. Je n'ai pas de gosses, pas de femme, pas de voiture, pas de crédit. ça fait sûrement un peu pompeux, mais je préfère mourir debout que vivre à genoux." \n\n"I am not afraid of retaliation. I have no kids, no wife, no car, no mortgage. It surely is a bit dramatic but I'd rather die on my feet, than live on my knees"\n\nTruly a brave man and a great loss. | {
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425 | Mom: "Shouldn't we buy a fish that's at least the same color?" \nDad: "Na, kid's aren't that bright." \nEdit: I like apostrophe's OK! | {
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426 | 99.99% by population; not mass. \n\nEdit: WHOA, GOLD!?!? Many thanks to my kind benefactors! I promise to pay it forward! | {
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427 | I, too, work at McDonald's.\n\n*edit*\nHoly fuck! Gold, on my birthday? Thanks everyone! | {
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428 | Is that normal? I just use my hands and some shower gel.\n\nDon't even own a flannel/ washcloth. | {
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429 | I pretty much made that up. I have no idea :)\n\nThe grid fins are super important for landing with precision. The aerodynamic forces are way too strong for the nitrogen thrusters. In particular, achieving pitch trim is hopeless. Our atmosphere is like molasses at Mach 4! | {
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430 | Awww you're like the mobsters who use their drug money to look after their families | {
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431 | It's just to use a phrase you remember for some reason. Mine, for instance, is a YouTube video. | {
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432 | just about sums up my college career. | {
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433 | her huge hands didnt even feel that huge anyways. | {
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434 | I like my women like I like my oval offices \n \nNo sign of Bush | {
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435 | I have a 3in1 Epson printer. I cannot scan to file if there is no ink in the machine. I CANNOT *SCAN* IF THERE IS NO *INK* IN THE GODDAMN MACHINE! \n\nThere is a place in hell for the person who thought of that feature. | {
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436 | no, this is a megacolon:\n\n●\n\n● | {
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437 | I'm kind of giddy and star struck, but I'm more completely at a loss that the guy that owns Tesla, the guy that owns a company that is putting a rocket into space tomorrow, just sent me a video of a cat riding a roomba chasing a duck. What just happened? I was having the worst day, and now everything seems alright. Heck yeah! | {
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438 | They didn't often survive?! | {
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439 | Nice brag.\n\nAnyone can divide by 10. But having NINE friends!?! Wow! | {
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440 | I'm the opposite.\n\nOne nuts bigger than the other? Cancer.\n\nSore throat won't go away? Cancer.\n\nStomach is upset? Cancer. \n\nSomeone asks my zodiac sign? Cancer.\n\nIt never ends. | {
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441 | Like Chihuahuas? Most definitely!\n\nThey have like 2 emotions: jealousy and vibrate. | {
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442 | I can just imagine them sat round a computer in another room.\n\n"Either this guy's fapping or we're gonna have to break out the plunger". | {
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443 | "I've done a lot of porn" is the correct response | {
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444 | "Go the fuck up stairs before I break your fucking jaw" is also a great quote. | {
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445 | Ahhhh the "I'd like to speak to your manager" haircut | {
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446 | That made me laugh! Was her belly button sore afterward? | {
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447 | HE'S SELLING CHOCOLATES!\n\nEdit: Holy shit calm down you cockos. Gold? It wasn't that funny ya fucks.\n\nEdit 2: Ha. Yeah, ya like that ya retards? | {
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448 | By home, you mean mama's house (lol). | {
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449 | Her panties probably dropped on the spot. | {
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450 | I'll buy it off you.\n\nEdit: I once bought a cum box off some guy. | {
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451 | "You were supposed to come in on Saturday, what were you doing?"\n\n"Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be." | {
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452 | You accidentally said 'and' instead of 'or'. | {
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453 | lots of ass questions. it is embarrassing to admit but this was my very first time | {
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454 | What if I'm too old to get grounded?\nEdit; Thanks for the gold. | {
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455 | They may have asked the questions about kids and spouse to see how many people in your household. When you go back with your spouse, they will know that no one is home (if no kids or kids are in school). They rob your house. I suspect that this happen to my neighbor. They were at a time share seminar when there house was "randomly" broken into. | {
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456 | Up to a month? So you're saying you wash your jeans every month? What are you, the queen of England? | {
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457 | I was sure you were going to say they were sleeping with each other. | {
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458 | Are you the guy who's been fucking my mom?! | {
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459 | I personally would rather not have the cops shoot my pool of printer ink, thank you very much.\n\nEdit: Gold! Thank you anonymous redditor who appreciated my passive aggressive comment! | {
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460 | I thought Bing Crosby was black until I was in my late 20's. I'm not sure why. Never saw a picture of him, and maybe the similarity to the name Cosby. | {
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461 | You did hear me say MARRIED, right? | {
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462 | i thought so but only for korea. | {
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463 | That's the first thing Doc told me, cock and balls suffered no major injuries. I'm very lucky. | {
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464 | The abrasiveness of a washcloth/loufa helps remove dead skin and dirt from your pores. The Romans used metal "scrapers" to achieve the same. With your hand you are just petting yourself. | {
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465 | I'm glad everyone likes it! To answer your questions, this is an original story, although obviously influenced by Lovecraft. \n\nMy wife makes me tell her a story every night before bed. I told her this one after watching a documentary on deep sea creatures. After she asked if it was true, I laughed at her and she punched me many times. | {
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466 | You know, I think Mr. Germ brings up a very interesting...uh...whaddya call...conundrum. And when I lick the fish - lick the ice cream off the fish so I can see them - it's clear that the chocolate is shaped like fish. But I believe that, lexiconically speaking, Mr or Mrs Germ points out a problem that - some kind of problem.\n\nThere's a problem.\n\nIt's not said quite right. \n\nBut the important thing to know is that when you DO lick the fish, you find the fish are smiling. | {
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467 | "I just want to say that I am not a racist. I don’t even see race, not even my own. People tell me I’m white, and I believe them, because I just spent the last six minutes explaining how I’m not a racist. And that is about the whitest thing you can do." - Stephen Colbert | {
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468 | Wow, you would make an *excellent* scientist.\n\n | {
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469 | This sort of happened to me. I was pouring milk and I wanted to stop but instead of tilting it back I poured more and I panicked. I ended up dropping the whole jug to catch the extra with my hands (smart I know) and ended up with an a most full gallon on the floor and knocking off the original glass onto the table. \n\nI still don't know what happened. \n\nEdit: who knew a brain fart like this would give me gold? Thank you! | {
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470 | Does anyone really bother with that? Seems like more effort than it's worth really. | {
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471 | This entire post makes me want to scream | {
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472 | Before someone fucks themselves, I want to point out that this law only applies if it's also more than 7 days before your date of travel. | {
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473 | I like how your correction actually made what Nestle did much worse. | {
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474 | It's amazing what humans can accomplish when they don't give a fuck about an entire group of people.\n\nEdit - for all of you asking, it's from his last hbo special\n\n-Louis CK | {
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475 | There is something incredibly *wrong* with your mother. | {
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476 | He's still alive, so no. | {
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477 | 'Now listen, kid: quit playing games, \nAnd save your careless youth - \nYou know the facts - we want the names; \nIt's time to tell the truth.'\n\n*He stared behind the pointed light -* \n*A shadow through the gloom.* \n*His cigarette was blazing bright* \n*Inside the station-room.*\n\nA second sighed and shook his head: \n'He'll never break, you know. \n'I've met his kind before,' he said... \n\n'We're dealing with a *bro*.' | {
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478 | Well, this fortune cookie tastes terrible, so they must've left the msg out of it. Oh wait, there is a msg written on this little paper. | {
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479 | What? 65 and she looks that good? She's a witch!\n\nEdit: I just woke up, checked reddit over breakfast and it seems I've struck gold... I'm rich, bitches, let's go burn some witches! Bring your own pitchforks but torches are on me. | {
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480 | Oh good, that is much more efficient. | {
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481 | Hey, /u/Warlizard, I'm sure you must get this all the time, but I really have to ask...\n\n... Can I have some of your fries? | {
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482 | I once bought some lean cuisines, a bottle of wine, and an engagement card for a friend and the coupon that popped out for me at the self-checkout was for cat food. | {
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483 | Please don't edit this. \n \nEdit: thank you for the gold. Amazing. | {
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484 | Thats not that unusual! Don't feel bad! On average 1 out of every 2 people don't get an erection during sex. \n\nEdit: Thank you to the anonymous stranger for popping my cherry! Much like 70% of the posts on this thread there is blood everywhere and it hurt a little bit, but I think I will recover. \n\nThe gold was nice, too! | {
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485 | Elon got the club going up \n\non a Tuesday | {
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486 | Haha! You thought your family was dead!! YOU IDIOT!! classic. | {
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487 | Alien is a better portrayal of pregnancy/birth. | {
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488 | I would LOVE to be in a restaurant where a waiter or manager tells a persnickety customer that the chef has left the building because of their order, and there will be no more food. | {
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489 | I don't know what you're talking about, [I loved it.](http://i.imgur.com/2o7Kz8b.jpg)\n\nHelp. | {
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490 | A million dollars, bro | {
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491 | this might actually be the worst kind of person in the world. like a dollar in the longest run means absolutely nothing. odds are if she wasn't weird like that, you would see-saw back over on the next shared check. \n\nlike if i go out to eat with a friend, and he offers to pay. i'll pay the next time. i don't care if its the same amount of money, its the practice or the idea that you bought me a meal, i'll buy you a meal. (unless its like mcdonalds vs a steak restaurant) | {
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492 | I pondered, pained, to see him kneel, \nAnd talk of growing old - \nI didn't think I'd like the feel \nOf water running cold.\n\n*He caught the look at once and smiled,* \n*And said: 'But nevermind -* \n*There's warmth to hold and cherish, child,* \n*In what you leave behind.'*\n\nHe wrapped me in his arms with pride, \nAnd said: 'And don't forget - \nA *hug* can keep me warm,' he sighed... \n\n'A little longer yet.'\n | {
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493 | I drink the blood of Kristen Stewart. | {
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494 | Bright light is up in sky. Will Master play today? No, Master still sleeping. That's okay. I love Master. I can wait. \n\nWhy does Master sleep underground? \n\nI miss Master. | {
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495 | Let's drive up to the Griffith Observatory on Saturday and get away from these crowds! | {
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496 | Well that ending certainly came out of left fucking field.\n\nObligatory edit: *Thanks, glorious faceless benefactor!* | {
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497 | Couldn't have been that hard. All he had to do was measure the waist of OP's mom. | {
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498 | There's a guy in their board meetings biding his time to propose his revolutionary idea of plop plop plop plop fizz fizz fizz fizz. | {
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499 | >Disclaimer: I was the first webmaster for NIN.\n \n <body bgcolor="#000000">\n \nWell, that's lunch | {
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