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500
>7 inch radius\n\nThat's a pine tree, not a dick
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501
And that was the moment Vladamir Putin knew what he wanted to do for the rest of his life...
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502
Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.
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503
Thread full of exceptionally douchey neighbors, and you post your exceptionally cool one.
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504
As a lizard man living at the bottom of Chesapeake Bay, I find this comment offensive.
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505
I created my account today so no Karma...\n\nGuess I will wait to be mocked then! \n\nEdit: God I wasn't expecting the comment to grow like this and receive gold on my first day here. Thanks a lot kind strangers!
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506
Alright, I'll keep that in mind the next time I have an opportunity to be a soldier in WWI.
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507
>Poocassos\n\nWell, I'm done.
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508
In seventh grade we out hot sauce in our teachers coffee cup. Someone snitched though and he and the principal decided to fuck with us. At the front of the class he took a sip and started making pretend choke noises, fell over and pretended to die. The principal then ran in and rushed to him and said "Oh my god he's dead! It smells like hot sauce! HE'S ALLERGIC TO HOT SAUCE!" \n\nAnd we freaked out.\n\nAaaand then they started laughing.
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509
Several decimal points.
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510
> It's like Amber, but hot.\n\nFTFY because pun.
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511
GARY INDIANA GARY INDIANA NOT LOUISIANA PARIS FRANCE NEW YORK OR ROME! BUT GARY INDIANA GARY INDIANA GARY INDIANA! MY HOME SWEET HOME! \n\nEDIT: Over 2000 points and gold for quoting a song from The Music Man... I don't get you reddit, but thanks.
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512
"just like that" \n\n"I'm mid cartwheel!"\n\nEdit: yay gold! This is the first time someone who isn't my fiancée gave me gold. She only did it because I can hold a cartwheel.
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513
> privileged fucks.\n\nNobody's stopping you from sticking a bat up your ass.
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514
I feel underutilized in my current position and would like to move into a position with more responsibility.
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515
>fighting *to the death*\n\nThen the winner gets to keep the friends.
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516
Well, the way she seems to take her hygiene I bet that asshole is really clean.
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517
Of all names.. Bertha?
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518
"Hey Rebecca, I bet you $20 that you can't give the next comedian a boner."
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519
I watched that movie in an airplane and I was tempted to walk out of the theater.
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520
*thinks "This date isn't going well. We have nothing in common. How can I break the ice?"*\n\n"Hey, let's go take a shit at the same time."
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521
Tell the cops you have the recording. Tell your insurance company you havel the recording. Don't tell the other driver. Let them make their statement. Let them lie. Don't confront them. Let the charges against them pile up. \n\nEdit: Please down vote. I was never meant to have this much karma. Something's amiss.
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522
But that name didn't really work doh \n\nGold edit: I wanted to personally thank the person who gave me gold, but http://youtu.be/LvKkZhhnuFk
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523
You are making that up. Nobody can get laid in a PT Cruiser, much less a yellow one.
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524
Her: oh...\n\nMe: Was I good?\n\nHer: umm, here, have some Reddit gold
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525
Here ya go \n\nEdit: pic deleted :)
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526
Don't worry, I'll tank it out with you. \n\n/r/ShitRedditSays says reddit's shit, but they're still on it. \n\n\nEdit: My inbox is so stuffed it took me scrolling down here and reading my own comment to realise I had gold. Well, thanks.
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527
Fuck your sister than all doubts gone.
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528
People really need to do the math. One cent less per gallon, let's assume a 2015 Suburban, one of the larger cars, so a 31 gallon tank. To go from empty to full, you're saving 31 cents. People will waste a few dollars in gas to drive across town to save a few cents per gallon...
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529
*Alright class if you read page 46 it describes how Hitler, dubbed "mister grey" because of his heartlessness, tied up the Jews and fucked them*
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530
Singles Awareness Day\n\nEdit: My highest comment is SAD.
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531
You have this adult thing on lockdown.
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532
Queue up 14GB of porn torrents, fap to the first one that finishes, cancel all downloads.\n\n*Thanks a bunch!
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533
HEY THERE DELILAH, WHAT’S IT LIKE IN YOUR VAGINA? I’M A THOUSAND MILES AWAY, BUT GIRL I’D LIKE TO GET INSIDE YA, YES I DO, NO GIRL CAN FUCK AS WELL AS YOU, I SWEAR IT’S TRUE. HEY THERE DELILAH, DON’T YOU WORRY ABOUT PROTECTION I’M EVEN HARDER WHEN YOU’RE LONELY, TAKE A LOOK AT MY ERECTION, CLOSE YOUR EYES, I WANNA GET BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS, ‘TIL I’M INSIDE. OH, I WISH YOU WOULD DO ME, OH, I WISH YOU WOULD DO ME."
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534
I used to work on a little falafel house. This couple comes in- attractive, in their late 30's, had clearly just been exercising. The man orders a large falafel, and the woman with him orders the same. He turns and looks at her, and gives her the most scathing look. She turns back to me and says, "A small. I mean a small falafel." \n\n\n\nBut stupid me- I accidentally made two larges! Cause FUCK THAT GUY.
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535
-Adolf Hitler\n\nSee what happens when you don't credit your quotes?
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536
Holy shit, exactly how many people were married to my ex-wife???
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537
ben wyatt\n\nenough said
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538
I'm not proud of what I've done.
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539
Part Four:\n\nThe next day the PI came over to settle up. I asked him how much he wanted. He said,\n\n"I need about treefiddy."
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540
I don't get people, man. I saw this picture without any context and figured out for myself that you were memorializing Mulder, not crying out for attention. \n\nI'm sorry for your loss.
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541
First, Social stigma. Here if you are still living at home at 25-30 you're seen as immature or afraid of responsibility. This makes it harder to find a mate. So most people get out as soon as possible. \n\nSecond is most people find living with their parents to be a pain in the ass. A lot of parents here will hold their 20 year olds to the same rules as when they were 16. So people move out to have some independence.
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542
This sort of goes along with a popular saying. "When is the best time to order a pizza? 45 min ago. When is the second best time? Right now." Or maybe it was something about planting trees. Idk, I'm hungry.
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543
I'm going to have my husband do this when I die except I want to be done up more like one of those standing stuffed polar bears you see clawing and snarling.
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544
our teacher Mrs. Daniels was very brusque and upfront about it. The first thing I recall her saying was that America was being attacked and that people were dying. She had a way with words
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545
Yeah, they gave him tips to improve his distance.
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546
When you can talk about crotch problems using a foreign language, you're well on your way to being fluent.
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547
That puppy is Zeb Quinn. He got turned by a witch who left a signature on his rear windshield.
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548
*tips dick*\n\nedit: holy sht someone popped my gold cherry tnx stranger
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549
Selfie sticks are probably the least weird thing to EVER come from an Asian country.
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550
When you got there were you ever like, "Fuck, which one am I now?"\n\nEdit: I guess this is implied but, thanks for my first gold stranger! Feels good up here.
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551
Doctor/Patient confidentiality.
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552
I just look at my phone and nod before turning back. That way, people think I just got a text from a friend and I'm going to see him.
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553
this may be the best one here\n\n**get a cup of water**\n\n*aww Mister Ben, you're so thoughtful. I was feeling kind of parched*
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554
And adults everywhere would grow uncomfortable around you.
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555
Does he fear you'll enter the pro dodgeball scene?
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556
Dat Twilight money tho.
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557
And if he bangs one of them, they will *all* subsequently find out exactly how big his wiener is.
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558
that feeling when you've woken up after a long sleep in a room that's really dry, and you dig out a huge hard chunk and breathe through a totally unobstructed nostril for the first time in hours\n\nit's like not knowing that you need glasses and putting them on for the first time
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559
Flush it next time so she won't notice.
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560
Was your friend's name Oscar?\n\nEDIT: Obligatory thanks for gold
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561
How do you know she masturbates to it? Maybe she's just watching it for the story?\n\nEdit: apparently /r/watchitfortheplot
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562
Girls are temperary, sensei is forever.
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563
the buddhist gives him a fifty, and the vendor pockets it. The ~~monk~~ buddhist asks for change and the vendor replies 'Change comes from within.'\n\nedit: reading comprehension fail.
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564
We'll find it sooner or later dear!
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565
A grammar nazi's greatest dream... \n*"an... Mr. President... An.."*
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566
That arrow points straight at your username...
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567
It is more, "you know what would make this work better? An outing."
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568
And both were eventually got by the white man.
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569
This sounds pretty cool actually
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570
**[LAUGH TRACK INTENSIFIES]**
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571
I kept putting my hand further down the pants thinking, "where the hell is this thing?"
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572
> bizarre makeup and 30 pounds of raw meat.\n\nhttp://i.imgur.com/urdfQBx.jpg
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573
That went from 0 - 100 real fucking fast
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574
Life rule, not just sex rule: when the person you're in a relationship with seriously wants you to stop doing something, seriously consider it.
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575
Sorry, I only speak freedom.
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576
Wow, haha. This is very informative. These glasses are clearly not aesthetically pleasing, but you know, I assumed there was no other way and I'm just happy to have sight. I intend to get new glasses soon so I'll show your post to the optician. I wore contacts as a kid but they just began to be really uncomfortable.
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577
This is what desperation looks like. Who knows how she will react when she gets a call from his divorce lawyer.
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578
Most of my family members would barrage me with "what?... ummmm what?, WHAT?" \n\nUgh, I give up, just shoot me.
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579
That's an incredibly low bar you have set...
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580
I suggest the term "Halomaker", because they make sure you're remembered as an angel.
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581
"I downloaded a car. AMA"\n\nEdit: Fuck /u/Nenad1979 if he thinks this edit will be about gold.
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582
I like petting myself.
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583
/r/worldnews - Your opinion is worthless. NOW LISTEN TO ME.
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584
Found the cat.\n\nEDIT: Thank you for the gold, this will support pro-canine efforts worldwide.
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585
I'm in the pizza business...\n\nIf I see "Grape Soda" on the tag I just assume no tip.\n\nRacist? Perhaps. True 99% of the time? Yep.\n\nEDIT: Hey guys. Just got off work. No grape soda in this order but suffice to say it was 7 african americans in a 2 bed motel room who were a total pain in the ass on the phone. No tip on a $40 something order.
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586
Update 1\n\n* I make 400k a year\n* I have a bigger dick than this "Dad" guy, not comparing just saying.\n* I make her cum every time we fuck\n\n
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587
I was known as the stubborn one. I disagree.
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588
I once biked right into a lake on 4 grams of shrooms. Just fucking pedaled myself right in, dunked my head, left the bike, and walked out back to land like I was a prehistoric tadpole evolving for the first time. I ruined that bike, but it was worth it.
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589
That makes sense. I should talk like an auctioneer next time I ask a girl out.
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590
If that isn't proof of your commitment and faithfulness to a promise, I don't know what it is.
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591
Honestly, it bugs the crap out of her to use it that long and bugs me to throw it out early. win-win.
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592
that was ad libbed. nong chul is the name of the elevator guy and he is very famous comedian in korea. that is a very popular dirty move he has been doing for 6 years and i asked him to do it in my video. if i am underneath, it would be dirtier!\n\nwe only did 2-3 takes and everyone on the video set was crying from laughing. definitely my favorite scene in the video.
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593
Then sell it on Etsy as "organic distressed."
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594
Heck of a moviegoing experience.
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595
A fat, surrendering, dimwitted spy.
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596
Why do ducks have flat feet?\n\nFrom stamping out forest fires.\n\n\nWhy do Elephants have flat feet?\n\n\nFrom stamping out burning ducks.
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597
But they won't have my brand, I have special eyes.
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598
Are you the little shit who bought www.steam.com?
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599
"How is this funny?"\n\n"THIS IS /r/funny of course it's not funny!"\n\n"Yeah this subreddit has really gone downhill since I joined in 2014"
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