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700 | Shaving Private Raya. | {
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701 | The bro was strong with that dog... | {
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702 | I gotcha bro\n\n/r/wheredidthesodago | {
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703 | "I want you to bring the cow into the kitchen and just let it stare at the oven for a few minutes and THEN serve me the steak from that cow." | {
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704 | i always figured everyone knew i fucked goats. *shrug* | {
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705 | /u/TheAustr0naut said "**There are few swords that cut so deep as the blade of unrequited love.**"\n\n/u/tbmcrowley replied "**Yeah. It sucks.**"\n\n \n\n\nAnd *that* is the difference between poetry and prose.\n\n | {
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706 | No, I gilded him.\n\n^^^^^Plot ^^^^^twist: ^^^^^I'm ^^^^^him. | {
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707 | bits of real bear, so you know it's good | {
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708 | I think your parents may be secretly buying new Goldys... | {
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709 | For your inconvenience, here is a broken link: [http://i.imgur.com/SjXmf.jpg](http://i.imgur.com/SjXdamf.pdf) | {
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710 | that man died of kidney failure 13 days later. | {
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711 | drinking the blood of a horseshoe crab will keep you alive even if you are an inch from death. But you will lead a half life, a cursed life. | {
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712 | Most accurate part of the Sims. I can have a refrigerator, a bed, a TV, a shower, and a toilet all in the same room and no single guy has an issue with it but as soon as there's a woman in the room he starts complaining. Then they all drown in the pool. | {
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713 | Wrestle sweaty dudes and punch people in the face! But no seriously I don't do any weights. Just train my butt off. | {
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714 | Put a piece of cardboard on your windshield. In the morning the cardboard will be soaked and frozen to your windshield and you'll have to miss work to scrape it off. Hopefully, your neighbors will see what a colossal dumbass you are. | {
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715 | You can also be perfect for each other and meet at the wrong time in life.... and it just won't work. You have to be the right type for each other and just get lucky enough to meet at the exact right time (when neither of you are in other relationships) and are mentally ready to start a relationship. | {
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716 | This is an uncomfortable combination of adorable and sad. \n\n \n\n*Edit: I don't think being redneck is sad; I feel bad that the little girl was upset by the jokes. Not because I thought she should be ashamed.* | {
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717 | I was in line at Radio Shack once and the cashier had the same thing going on. To my stunned amazement, the guy in front of me said "damn girl how you wipe yo ass?" She, too, was speechless and just walked away and a different employee rang up the customers. | {
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718 | Yeah, that's the Zimbab way. | {
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719 | Wait until the day you meet a trailer hitch walking full speed. | {
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720 | Police were in on it. They probably gave 50 euros to the conductor for giving them a call.\n\n**edit** Everyone is calling me a detective because I solved the case.\n\n**edit2** goddammit, Reddit.\n\n**edit3** ಠ_ಠ\n\n**edit4** I'm going to subscribe all of you to cat facts. | {
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721 | you guys sound like you were made for each other | {
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722 | Two scientists walk into a bar. \n\nThe first one says "I'll have some H2O." The second one says "I'll have some H2O too." \n\nThe bartender gives them both water as serving hydrogen peroxide at a bar would be both illogical and dangerous. | {
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723 | 2 noble gases walk into a bar\n\nBartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."\n\nThere is no reaction. | {
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724 | you're from paris, of course your'e an arsehole. | {
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725 | Yes this is dog. I am suing you for 4 pigs ears and a denta stick. | {
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726 | That is so sweet that it makes me bitter. | {
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727 | It's more of a luxury than a necessity. | {
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728 | His mom or grandma after picking him up when the school called because he wouldn't stop crying. \n\nHis grandma posted it to facebook. \n\nEdit: it was his mom that took it. | {
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729 | It's very difficult to get an accurate count of how many sheep actually get fucked in Wales each year. Any time someone tries to count, they get drowsy and fall asleep. Until the true number is known, this silence of the lambs will continue. | {
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730 | That's what she says every morning. | {
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731 | I'm sorry to tell you this, but Shit Breath is your Mandarin name.\n\n"I'm sorry I brought Shit Breath to dinner again."\n\n"Shit Breath dishonors our family."\n\n"Destroy Shit Breath." | {
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732 | No, it's aliens. Shut up. | {
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733 | For perhaps the first documented time in history, this women went black and went back. | {
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734 | "average person eats 3 spiders a year" factoid actualy just statistical error. average person eats 0 spiders per year. Spiders Georg, who lives in cave & eats over 10,000 each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted\n\nEdit: whoa thanks for the gold! | {
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735 | Person A and B shake hands at a business meeting.\n\nPerson A: Ding! You have unlocked [Jizz Hands!]\n\nPerson B: Ding! You have unlocked [And Your Enemies Closer] | {
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736 | Haha I saw that pic and had a laugh with a few friends in a lecture. I'm glad that I found out you're a redditor\n\nEdit: Holy shit, so many people. | {
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737 | *tips mobility scooter* | {
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738 | > We're bff now and its even more terrifying than when he ignored me.\n\nWell yeah, cause now he *has* to kill you if you fuck up. | {
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739 | I'm actually the girl lmao. Thanks for the compliment! | {
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740 | That fact didn't seem so fun. | {
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741 | You.... are not telling the truth. Please tell me this is a joke. | {
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742 | *Band kids.*\n\nI've been informed by roughly eight people that it's *orchestra* not *band*. None of you seem aware of each other. Also, nobody cares. | {
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743 | She's right behind you, isn't she? | {
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744 | You've never looked in a mirror? ☜(゚ヮ゚☜) | {
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745 | TELL US HOW YOU FUCKING FIXED IT OMFG\n\nCheers for the gold yo | {
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746 | He loves to suck on us both. | {
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747 | i think i laughed really hard when i read the meowshwitz joke, but i am sucker for holocaust jokes | {
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748 | "If Americans come from Europe then why we still got Europe?" | {
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749 | If a woman shits in the woods and a homeless man isn't around to masturbate to it, did she really shit? | {
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750 | "He's down... suspect is down... did everyone get to shoot?"\n\n"I didn't, sir." \n\n"Well step up here, Brodey, **POP** that-a boy, anyone else?"\n\n\nEdit: obligatory thanks for the gold. | {
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751 | https://i.imgflip.com/gk374.jpg *dank memes* | {
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752 | Oh, get a girlfriend? Just get a girlfriend? Why don't I strap on my girlfriend helmet, squeeze down into a girlfriend cannon and fire off into Girlfriend Land, where girlfriends grow on girlies!!! | {
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753 | I like stories like this where everyone gets a good laugh out of it all. Much better than pretty much all of the other stories in this thread. | {
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754 | Tranq everyone and drag them into lockers | {
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755 | this is an incredibly thoughtful answer | {
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756 | I saw it on an airplane. People still walked out. \nEDIT: Best monday ever. Great way to start the year, thank you mysterious stranger! | {
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757 | The TSA shouldn't even exist.\n\nEdit: Thanks for the gold! I didn't expect my short, cynical comment to garner much of a response. Glad it spurred some conversation! | {
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758 | one would assume they use their bathroom boomerangs. | {
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759 | dont worry about it 2 meters is hardly bigger than a womp rat no one could hit that | {
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760 | What?! What kind of coupon, rather than saying FREE, says the store will give you money to take? | {
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761 | You listen here meow. | {
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762 | Pizza customers are like the exact opposite of retail customers. | {
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763 | correct. and you see my point. | {
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764 | I don't know ice cream. | {
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765 | that would be fucking insane and also insanely dangerous | {
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766 | Remember: Reddit is free. | {
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767 | This is so fucking 1999 it's ridiculous. | {
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768 | That may not be the story Reddit wanted but it's the story Reddit needed. | {
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769 | Fuck the sack of grain, kill the chicken, marry the fox. | {
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770 | TIL SAS means "Surprise Anal Sex". | {
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771 | "I've never been good at answering loaded questions," worked at my last interview. | {
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772 | Bakers gonna bake, man | {
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773 | We get to make fun of you but you won't know it for hours. | {
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774 | > To look like some kind of creepy, Nosferatu-like monster? (as a guy, I've always kinda wanted to get them, then walk around with dinosaur hands all day).\n\n\- Vergils_Lost\n\nhttp://i.imgur.com/x9sj5Rf.gifv | {
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775 | It was covering the secret passageway. | {
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776 | As someone who has internet access, I'm baffled by the ideas of A.) Paying money to see titties B.) Leaving the house to see titties and C.) Seeing titties *with your friends*. | {
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777 | It's like porn all over again. "Teen" my ass. This 35 year old broad has ponytails and bright coloured clothes. That doesn't equal *teen* dammit. | {
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778 | That's fucking legit.\n\nEDIT: I don't even. I've had a lot of weird things get upvoted and downvoted. I've been given reddit gold for comments with under 15 points. But my highest rated comment which nearly doubles my previous record... It contributes absolutely nothing. \n\nReddit is silly. | {
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779 | > I was level 70, I quit at level 70, before the expansion pack. \n\nYeah, the parenthood expansion pack really ruins the game, IMO.\n | {
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780 | > Eventually, everyone got tired of getting recklessly blackout drunk.\n\nYeah, that's called growing up. | {
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781 | Wouldn't have been easier to just put on pants?\n\nEdit: Wow! My first Gold! Thanks so much! | {
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782 | Because, seven eight nine lol \n\nEdit: Everyone please stop telling me seven is a "six-offender" haha. | {
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783 | I have a big pretzel tub of dryer lint. However I use it as firestarter with a slam rod for backpacking. It's light and very flammable. | {
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784 | Chief Extortion Officer\n\nEdit: Wow, Reddit gold? Thanks! | {
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785 | They ride each other's horse. | {
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786 | That's terrible. I had known he was out as gay but didn't realize he was having a hard time during Power Rangers. | {
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787 | You can also tell that the only reason they got Kate Upton for their commercials is for her boobs. | {
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788 | Bender: I'm so depressed... I'm going to go eat a bucket of ice cream...\n\nFry: Spoon's in the footpowder!!\n\nEdit: gold on my birthday?? I've never been so happy!!\n\nEdit edit: birthday ok i get it i wont use reddit terminology in a different way again | {
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789 | "James Ferrel tweeted in 2009 that "[He] wuld sooooo tap dat a$$". Can we trust him to not tap into our resources for his own gain? Paid for by Gregory Jameson for President." | {
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790 | Perhaps, at last, when time has passed, \nAnd softly slipped away - \nWhen years have spun and skipped and run, \nAs seasons, shifting, may - \n\n*Perhaps, when days have burned a blaze* \n*Of unrequited love -* \n*Or etched their scars across the stars* \n*In secret shapes above -* \n\nPerhaps I'll see the one for me - \nThe perfect love to share. \nA life to find a kindred mind... \n\nIs *so* un-fucking-fair. | {
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791 | I like my women like I like my oval offices\n\nNo sign of Dick. | {
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792 | All I can picture is Abe in the ring finishing off an opponent with a massive cock slap. | {
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793 | In their defense, you'd been married and divorced by age 21. They probably felt decision making had not been your strength. | {
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794 | I like to randomly say "Hey, that rhymes!" when other people are talking. Completely destroys their train of thought. | {
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795 | For fucks sake. Their passports should be revoked. | {
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796 | >You can't really see it unless you point it out\n\nI have the same problem OP. Don't worry, it's the motion in the ocean not the size of the ship | {
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797 | Did you teach him how?\n\nEDIT: Gold? FUCK YOU! Just kidding :) | {
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798 | You should see how much people in Colorado love Colorado.\n\nEven the paving stones are shaped like their state. | {
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799 | US: "Our government overthrew countries and spread lies of wars."\n\nUK and Europe: "Assassinations and shit."\n\nChina: "Arresting opposing party leaders to get up the ladder."\n\nIsrael: "We covered up the extend of our war, and made a huge amount of dealings to be relevant."\n\nAfrica and S. America: "Our governments are corrupt as fuck."\n\nCanada: "Our syrup is fake." | {
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